Work Text
Wednesday, August 7th 2013
''Hey, what's up you guys. It's Troye Sivan and...this is probably the most nervous I've ever been in my entire life but, I'm going to deal with it because I have something to tell you
as you can probably see by the title of this video. The date today is August 7th 2013 and
the reason why I'm telling you this is because, on August 7th 2010, I told my family that I am gay and, on August 7th 2013, I want you guys to know that I'm gay. It feels kind of weird to have to announce it like this on the internet but, I feel like a lot of you guys are like real genuine friends of mine - and I share everything with the internet. I share every aspects of my life on the internet and, whether or not that's good or not, I don't know, but this is not something I'm ashamed of and it's not something that anyone should have to be ashamed of.
When I was born I always knew that something was a little bit different about me and I couldn't figure out what it was but, the word 'gay' kind of scared me a lot when I was younger and I knew that that wasn't a 'good' thing. I remember when I was younger I used to lie in bed and picture the signs and the doors of toilets. The female sign and the male sign and I used to picture the male sign and they put a big cross through it in my head and I used to picture the female sign and put a big green tick next to it. It just kind of proves that I've always been this way and I've always known that something was up. But, yeah, basically, I always kind of put those thoughts on the back burner in the back of my mind. I didn't want to really think about it. It kind of scared me and terrified me. Maybe something was going to change.
But, then, when I was 14, I went to the park with my best friend Ariana and Ariana and I started talking about our deepest darkest secrets and I thought about it and I was like: you know what, there is this one thing but that was something that I was never ever ever gonna discuss with anyone. That was like kind of a pact that I'd made in my head. That was your thing and that was your secret to keep forever and ever and ever but, Ariana is Ariana and there is a reason that she is my best friend and she managed to kind of pull it out of me. And, I said to her: ''I think I might be... And, she goes to me: ''Troye, are you bisexual?'' and I started to cry my eyes out and hugged her and said: ''I think I might be, yeah.'' But, I freaked out because I wasn't ready. I really genuinely was not ready for this. I have never thought about it before and it was just kind of this thing in the back of my mind that I never really thought about. So...I ran home crying and we decided we would never ever ever gonna speak about it again.
But, what that did is, it kind of opened up this...thing in my head that that could be the case so, it kind of forced me to deal with it there and then when I was 14 ½. So, for about six months, I did the only thing I know I how to do which is: go on my laptop and this is the majority of the reasons why I'm doing this today is because I hope the people like 14 years old Troye are going to find this video because I watched pretty much every coming out videos there is on YouTube that has ever been posted. I watched it in between 14½ and 15 and those coming out videos and those people on YouTube, those brave, brave, brave people on YouTube- Without them I don't know where I'd be, I don't know...I genuinely don't know what I would've done because it know of showed me that it's okay, you know what I mean and that there's people out there living healthy, happy lives who are absolutely fine and they happen to be gay as well.
So, in those six months, I became happy with myself. I went back to Ariana's house this is like, six months later - and we haven't spoken about it at all. I said to her: ''I've got to tell you something'' and I told her, again, for a second time, and since then, our friendship has been like absolutely unbreakable. The strongest kind of friendship you can have and she's been so accepting and so amazing and she just hugged me and told me it was completely okay and within ten minutes we were back to normal, 100% fine.
And then, on August 7th 2010, I was lying in bed with my dad and...we kind of started talking about religion and stuff like that. I said to him: ''if there was anything about religion that you could change, what would you change? And, he said to me: ''You know, to me, the whole gay thing, it doesn't makes sense. Why a religion would kind of be against or whatever because it's completely natural and it's how those people are and everything.'' To be honest, I think he was kind of trying to pull it out of me because he knows me better than anyone else knows me. He said to me: ''Yeah, why? What about you?'' And, I was like, ''Yeah, yeah, pretty much the same. Just, the whole gay thing, it doesn't really makes sense to me'' and he was like ''Ah, okay'' and I went: ''Because, Dad-'' I don't know if this only happens to me or anyone else who has had to come out or say something really nerve-wracking, let me know if this happens to you as well but, I felt like a literal, physical locking of my throat and I couldn't speak. So, I went: ''Because, Dad- I'm gay.''
I just remember him looking over at me and starting to bawl his eyes out. I also bawled my eyes out. We hugged and I asked him: ''Dad, do you still love me?'' and he looked at me like I was absolutely crazy and said: ''Yes, of course I still love you.'' and that was that. And then we spoke until the early hours of the morning and he just wanted to make sure that I was okay. That was literally his only worry. To him it did not make the slightest difference in his life and, yeah. It was completely fine. It was completely, completely fine. I think in the back of my head I always knew it would be but it was just actually jumping over that hurdle. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.
When I woke up in the morning, he had told my mom and my mom woke up and she gave me a hug and we sat and talked for a long time. And then, progressively, throughout the week, my dad and mom, on my request told all of my siblings. Even though they told them separately, each one of them had the exact same reaction which was to come into my room and just hug me and told me that it was absolutely okay and I'm still fine.
And, after my family, I just carried on working it through my inner circle of best best best friends and not a single one of them had a problem with it and I thin that is absolutely incredible. I'm surrounded by the most amazing, amazing people. If anything it just brought me and my friends a lot closer, me and my family a lot closer because I've never anything to hide anymore so I could kind of chill and not think about anything anymore and...just, yeah.
Life was awesome and all the time you see these 'it gets better' videos online and things of that nature where, you know, for people it's really, really shit in the beginning but, don't worry, it gets better. I'm here to say that's true because it will get better for everyone but, I'm also here to say, I guess that my message is, that it can be good right from the start. You could have a completely smooth, smooth sail out of the closet. Though this video has probably been the hardest video to make that I've ever made, I hope that nothing will change.
I'm going to put my email address in the down bar so that you can contact me questions or queries and I'm also going to put a whole lot of resources for young gay teens in the description. The kind of resources that helped me out when I was a 14 years old. I love you guys so much. Seriously, I do, I really do. Do I do the wink in this video or is it too serious to do the wink? Nah! I love you guys so much, I'll see you next week...byeee.''
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Sunday, February 2nd 2014
21:01
Whether it was by doing meetups or responding to emails,returning to his subscribers was important to Troye. Although his number of subscribers was growing rapidly, he didn't want to become one of those famous YouTubers who made content only to gain money and never gave back to their fans.Some vloggers needs a reminder of where their income came from and should stop looking at their viewers from above. Without their subscribers, content creators would most likely be working part-time jobs, just like them.What's taking two minutes of your day to respond to an email? Or take a photo with a kid who recognized you at the grocery store? While for you it's something so small, to them, it might be the highlight of their day.His connection with his subscribers has always been Troye's strong point. He
loved
meeting and interacting with his viewers. During meetups, Troye would
never
quit without meeting everybody. He listened to their touching stories, hugged and even facetimed with some who couldn't make it. He always took time to read and reply to emails - although his inbox was overflowed - and never declined a selfie with a viewer.On Sunday, after returning from Ariana's house, Troye sat on his bed with his laptop and decided to open some email from his subscribers. The first email he opened was from Frederica, a girl from Germany, saying Troye's videos brought a smile on her face during her depression and how she was doing a lot better now. Another was from a boy - Samuel - who came out to his parents a few days ago.The next one was from someone named Bixx.
TO:
[email
protected]
FROM:
[email
protected]
DATE:
Feb 1 at 10:05 AM
OBJECT:
hey
Hey, Troye
I understand that you are very busy with your life and you probably don't have the time to get through each and every emails following your coming out video but, I took a chance and decided to write to you.
I know it's been months since you posted the video but I wanted to tell you that I saw your coming out video today and you made me realize that it's time I stop lying to myself and accept my sexuality. Accept that I'm...gay.
It took me years to realize that girls don't do it for me - I'm 19 now. The day I realized I might be attracted to boys, I threw up - literally. Not because I was homophobic and felt sick about myself. I was sick because I was terrified. To some, being gay might not sound like the end of the world but, to me, it felt like my life was shattering underneath my feet. My future was ruined. Maybe I was being dramatic - scratch that, I WAS being dramatic - but, back then, in my fifteen years old mind, it felt like that.
It felt like the end of the world. So, I tried to push the 'gay-ness' away, double locked it in a box in the far back of my brain but, no matter how hot the girls were, I couldn't do it. Nothing sounded as good as a boy - which was what I craved.
As I'm writing this, I can feel my heart beating super fast under my skin. Let's hope I finish this email before it bursts.
Jokes aside, although I have a large group of friends,
I have no one else to tell right now that I feel safe telling. Beside you. But, that might be because you're on the other side of a screen and we don't know each other in real life.
And, we're in the same boat.
I know that you're probably never going to read this but, writing this email actually lifted a huge weight off my shoulders so...thanks?
xo, Bixx
TO: [email
protected]
FROM: [email
protected]
DATE:
Feb 2 9:01 PM
OBJECT:
RE: hey
Hi, Bixx
I've read your email and I wanted to tell you that I am very proud of you and I am happy my video helped you. Admitting that you are rooting for the other team can be a difficult pill to swallow - no pun intended. Trust me, I've been there...
p.s. I feel honored to be the first person you came out to.
p.p.s. Feel free to email me if you have any questions or needs anyone to talk.
x Troye
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
August 7th 2014
18:00
Today marked exactly one year since Troye came out on YouTube and he wanted to make a special video to celebrate. The Boyfriend TAG happened to be
very
convenient for the occasion.
After
months
of keeping his relationship from the internet, Troye was finally ready to present his boyfriend, Elijah, to his audience. Relationships were the only thing Troye didn't want to sare to the world. For a number of reasons, he prefered to keep that part of his life a bit more personal.For starter, Troye was the one who decided to put himself on social media; Elijah didn't sign up for this. Sure, he knew about Troye's channel but there was no contract saying he had to show his face anywhere if they started dating. Troye left it up to him. If he wanted to his subscribers to know, he was free to reveal himself. If not, Troye would respect his choice, not wanting to force Elijah into this crazy world.''Hey, what's up you guys. It's Troye Sivan and...today, we have a very
very
special guest on my channel. One year ago, I shared my biggest secret with you and, today, one year later, I have another secret to sare. It's not as huge of a secret but, still very exciting.'' Troye looked up, catching eyes with Elijah behind the camera. ''I noticed a pattern when doing the Q&A last week - and
all
the previous Q&As too, to be honest. A huge amount of people were bombarding me with the same questions:
Are you single?
Troye, do you have a boyfriend?
Until now, I've purposely ignored this kind of questions but, today, I'll finally drop the bomb...please, welcome my boyfriend, Elijah.''Elijah made his way over to Troye's bed and sat beside him. ''Hi,'' the boy said, waving at the camera timidly.
Troye brought his boyfriend into a hug and kissed his cheek wetly. Elijah grimaced and wiped his cheek. ''As you can see by the title of this video, we're going to be the Boyfriend TAG. I hope you enjoy!'' The brunet pulled out his phone and read the first question on the list. ''How long have we been dating for?''Starting with a bang, as they say. Despite the casual nature of the question, Troye knew their answer would make a lot of noise on his channel. Their relationship itself would make a lot of noise. For starter, Elijah was older than Troye - he was 22 - and although they won't be mentioning it in their video, he knew his subscribers would play detective and lerk for his boyfriend's social media/infos on him. Secondly, their relationship wasn't anything new, they had been dating for a moment...''Almost two years, is it?'' Elijah answered, uncertain exactly how close they were to his the milestone. Troye nodded and handed the phone to Elijah so he could read the next question. ''When did we meet and where?''
''It was at the movie theater three years ago. I went to see
The Hunger Games
with my best friend, Ariana, and Elijah worked at the concession stand. Naturally, we ate the whole popcorn
before
the movie started so I had to go get a refill and Mr. Clumsy over here spilled the popcorn when handing it back to me.
Iconic.''Elijah hid his face in his hands, still embarrassed by the story. ''Shut up, it was my first day. I was
so
nervous.''''Your clumsiness is a part of your charm,'' Troye said cheesily, putting his head on the older boy's shoulder, cheek rubbing against the soft sweatshirt and Elijah rolled his eyes but still leaned his head on top of Troye's. ''What do you love about each other the most?''''Physical, I'd say his cute smile and personality wise I'd say his openness and big heart.''Troye cooed before pressing his lips on his boyfriend's for a quick kiss. ''For me it's his big
d...imples. Love me some dimples.''
''What's something that the other do that pisses you off?''
''Troye loses everything,'' Elijah declared. ''His phone, his keys - although they are attached to a massive keychain -,
everything. The other day, we literally just came back from Maccas and, not even five minutes after we got here, he
lost
his beverage... Really, Troye, how can you lose a fucking beverage?!''''I'm the Queen of losing everything,'' the brunet said proudly. ''Next question, what do we argue about the most?''''Food- no!
Movies. Finding a movie we both agree to watch is a challenge. I think we spend more time choosing a movie than watching movies.''''Elijah
hates
chick flicks...which is why we are breaking up right now. I can't do this anymore, we're over,'' the brunet said dramatically, standing up from the bed and moving out of the frame.''What?! Baby, come back.'' The older boy made grabby hands at his boyfriend and Troye obliged.''Are we watching
Dear John
after this?'' Elijah scrunched his face, clearly not enthousiast watching another Nicholas Sparks movie adaptation. ''Then I'm staying here. We can do the tag from here, can we?''Elijah sighed, giving in. ''Alright...we'll watch your dumb movie.'' Lips turning up into a satisfied grin, Troye made his way back to his boyfriend. ''You're
so
annoying.''''Or, we could watch
Mean Girls. I just got my dvd back from Ari.''
While neither of the films thrilled him, Mean Girls sounded less of a torture than
Dear John. At least it was funny. ''I guess we could watch
Mean Girls...''
''I guess we could watch Mean Girls,'' Troye mocked, trying to hide the smile on his lips. Elijah shoved his lover gently, making Troye laugh.
His favorite thing about he and Elijah was how playful they were with each other. They always had banters between them and
loved
mocking each other. Like that one time they went to a chinese restaurant for a date and Troye asked why they put an asparagus in the middle of the table. It was
bamboo. Elijah didn't let him live that down for
months. It was hilarious.Back to business, Troye continued with the questions. ''What color are my eyes?''
Troye used his hand to hide his eyes from Elijah's sight so he wouldn't peak and cheat. The latter rolled his eyes at the question. As if he had to look at Troye to tell his eye color. He
knew.''That's an easy one. You have the bluest eyes in the beauty community.''Troye blinked cutely, leaning closer to the camera for a close up of his irises.
''Where was our first date?''''The beach, duh,'' Troye replied, mimicking Karen Smith's facial expression.
''Because Troye's a basic bitc-''''Am not!'' the brunet defended, cutting his boyfriend off. ''I just really,
really
love the beach.''''Do we have a tradition?'' Elijah continued, knowing arguing with Troye was a losing battle. It was best to move on and change subject.Troye clapped his hands together excitedly. ''We actually do. Every time Elijah sees a teddy bear grabbers, he wins me a small plushy. He's actually really skilled and I'm starting to have a nice collection on that shelf over there.'' He pointed to the shelf over his next where colorful plushies lined up against the wall. ''Who said 'I love you' first?''''I did,'' the blond said.
''Bullshit. It was me! I wrote it in your birthday card,'' Troye argued.''No offence but, no one reads birthday cards, babe.''
''I spent
hours
crafting that card for you and you
never
read it?! Elijah!''
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Wednesday February
4th 2015
20:01
While the sun was shining bright in Troye's side of the ocean, things weren't as bright for 'Bixx'.
TO:
[email
protected]
FROM:
[email
protected]
DATE:
JAN 28 at 11:21 PM
OBJECT:
RE:
hey
Hey, Troye,
I don't know if you remember me but, when you returned my email one year ago, you said to email if I had any questions or needed anyone to talk to...well, I just came out to my parents and- Let's say they
didn't take it well. I thought they'd be accepting, tell me they
still loved me but-
When I dropped the G-bomb,
my mom said she was disappointed in me, that she didn't want this for me. 'This' as in being gay. I understand that she wants to 'save' me from the pain - let's be honest, the world has been really shitty to the gay community - but, it's not her decision - neither was it mine. She also said, and I quote her ''How am I going to get grandchildren now?''. As if that's all I am for her: a grandchild producer.
As for my dad, he gave me an angry look and said I better be joking or else I wasn't his son anymore. He said I better not repeat it to anyone or else he'd stop paying for my schooling. Truth be told, he can cut the payments as I'm not that interested in what I'm majoring in. English was his choice, not mine.
It's almost midnight as I'm typing this and it's been a long day so, pardon me if I don't make sense - or if I'm being a bother, I seriously have no one else to turn to. You might not be able to see me but, I'm currently bawling my eyes out in bed as I'm writing this, heartbroken and not knowing what to do with myself.
I know some people has had it worse that I but, I'm feeling pretty knocked down right now.
You're so lucky to have an accepting family.
Why can't they accept me for who I am?
xo Bixx
TO:
[email
protected]
FROM:
[email
protected]
DATE:
Feb 4 at 8:01 PM
OBJECT:
RE: hey
Hi, Bixx
I want to start this by saying: yes, I remember you and
I hope your tears have stopped as I'm returning your email. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.
Secondly, I am so sorry that your parents
are struggling so hard to understand you and can't accept your 'choice'. It infuriates me to know that there's still people on this earth who can't accept all kinds of love. Gay love, straight love...love is love and that's all that should matter.
Alas, not everyone has the
same perception of things.
Coming from your parents, their reaction must hits closer to the heart but, you have to stay strong and remind yourself that there are people in the world who 1,000% will love you just the way you are. So no matter what, keep that in mind.
Don't let yourself be knocked down by some homophobic folks regardless who they are - family included.
Although I've made my coming out story sound 'perfect', it wasn't - not all my family were all okay with my sexuality. My close family as in my parents, siblings and grandma loved me the same but, my mom had to cut ties with one of her sisters because she and her husband were being extremely disrespectful to me and sending me bible verses on Facebook, claiming I was a sinner and deserved to be cleansed and some shit like that. Even one of my teacher demanded I get switched classes after he saw me kissing my boyfriend in town.
You might be feeling like your parents hates you but, don't jump to conclusion - yet.
Without taking your parents's side, I think you should give them
time to proceed the news. It must've shocked them and, maybe they'll come around. Gotta keep a positive mind.
If not, you'll have to
remove yourself from the negativity. Living in an environment
where you aren't feeling accepted isn't healthy for the
mind.
Please return to me, I'll be waiting for your
response.
p.s.
Where are you from, Bixx?
x Troye
This time, instead of just sending the email, the Australian entered Bixx's email in his Outlook contacts so it would pop up in his priority box instead of getting lost with all the other fanmail.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Wednesday, February 9th 2015
1:30
For today's video, Troye decided to go with a light hearted one, aka a classic #AskTroye. He hadn't done a Q&A in quite some time - the last one went back to
November. So, it was time for a new one.
After returning from Elijah's on Tuesday- well,
Wednesday, Troye sat on his desk chair and started the camera. ''What's up everybody, my name is Troye Sivan and last night I went on Twitter and asked you guys to ask me questions with the #AskTroye...and this is what you came up with.''The brunet pulled up his phone, going through the hashtag. ''Are you doing a meetup soon? I'd
love to! I miss seeing you guys. Tell me in the comments where my next meeting should be.''The last meet up went back to Playlist Live of last year and Troye wasn't proud of himself. He used to do meetups around Australia pretty often a two years ago, why did he stop? He needed to get back on that.''Can you tell us about your first kiss?'' A memory of the said kiss flashed in his mind. ''Absolutely
not
except for the fact that it was terrible,'' he said with a mild grimace. ''Who's your celebrity crush? Matty Healy from The 1975.'' Troye leaned forward, a hand on the side of his mouth to whisper: ''Sorry Harry, you've been replaced.''Although he will be going to their show in Perth on the 20th, his love for One Direction wasn't as strong as it was in 2012. He still
loved
them but, didn't fangirl as much for the boyband.
''Are you and Elijah still together? Yes, we are.''Presenting his boyfriend to the internet didn't mean Troye was ready to post loads of pictures of him all over social media and include him in his videos all the time. On the contrary, it made him want to keep his relationship on the private side even more. When he came clean about his dating life and addressed that he was indeed dating someone, some people wrote nasty comments about Elijah and made Troye feel sad. Elijah said it didn't get to him but Troye knew it wasn't true.
''What's your most embarrassing moment? I don't think I'm allowed to say this story online... All I can say is that my most embarrassing moment is far too embarrassing to say on the internet. Dig a hole, take the embarrassing moment because now it's a physical thing apparently. Put it down there, cover it with dirt, bury it, put it away and never to be seen again.
That
kind of embarrassing.''A shiver ran down Troye's back, the moment fresh in his memory.
No one
knew about this embarrassing moment - beside his best friend because she knows
all
his dramas - and he planned it on staying that way. It included some nudity other things he'd rather not tell the world about.
''Who was the last person you texted? My best friend, Ariana. Katy asked: are you planning on uploading more covers on your channel? You have an amazing voice! Well, Katy, I'm actually working on a secret project,'' Troye said with a double wink at the camera. ''But, I can't say any more. Will you do a collab with Tyler Oakley? Yes! We are planning on filming a video when I go to America to visit this winter...well, it's gonna be summer there but, you get it.''It wasn't confirmed yet but, Troye had planned on going to Vidcon in July and, hopefully, the two will have time to film a video or two for their respective channels. Their subscribers loves their dynamics in vlogs and social media and kept demanding for collabs.
Talking about the beast...''Tyler Oakley asked, if you're from South Africa, why are you white? Oh my god. Tyler. You
can't
just ask people why they're white,'' he said with an attitude, mimicking Gretchen Weiners. ''This is all for today's #AskTroye. Stay tuned on twitter to know when the next one will be.
Before I end this video, I want you to know that I genuinely love you all and the fact that some of you are not feeling so great at the moment really really upsets me,'' Troye said in a more serious tone before finishing with his classic wink and 'bye'.