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It started to snow. Heavily. Shane streched out his arms behind his head and looked out of the window. The snow outside was calming and it gave Shane a feeling as everything was just right.Lately everything was going so smoothly that an anxious person would be worried something’s gonna blow up soon. But since Shane wasn’t much of an anxious person he took this moment to look back at the year they are just about to end today.He was smiling happily at the thought of how far he came so far – he had his own flat, amazing job, platform of fans, girlfriend and Ryan. The last ‚item‘ on his list made his smile grow even wider.
Ryan..
He turned away from the window and decided for a cup of coffee as his mind was still occupied by thoughts about his best friend. Everything about Ryan was worth hours of admiration – his knowledge, his courage, his curiosity, his laugh, his beamy eyes…Shane admitted to himself a long time ago that his bestfriend isn’t just a friend to him. He even welcomed those butterflies every wheeze of Ryan’s has caused him. He wasn’t even mad when the little guy jumped to him to hold onto his jacket anytime they were doing and investigation and something scares him. He was never bothered by any sign of Ryan’s affection clearly. However, Shane never meant to change things between them. Not yet. Maybe somewhere in the future he’ll be ready to tell Ryan about his feelings. But not today. Because it’s enough. As crazy as it may sound – it really was enough for Shane. He didn’t need to hold Ryan in his arms, he didn’t need to kiss him hello/goodbye, he didn’t need to say ‚I love you‘ to Ryan. Not yet.Shane nodded his head admiringly after he took a sip of his fresh coffee and leaned against the kitchen counter to look out of the window once again.The funny thing was that it always was enough, all Shane needed was to have Ryan around and make him laugh as hard as possible. It was enough.„Hey, big guy! You coming to the party today, right?“ Ryan poked his head to the office kitchen and interruped Shane’s train of thought right away. He was wearing grey T-shirt with long sleeves and simple black jeans as he do. Shane noticed Ryan was wearing his ghoul boots today which was odd to him but he didn’t find it that strange to actually ask about it. Shane smiled goofily, „sure I do! See ya there at 8,“ he said with strong accent.„Alright,“ Ryan cracked a wheeze and left as quickly as he appeared before leaving Shane to his running thoughts and a cup of fresh coffee. When the night came Shane slowly picked himself up from his sofa and called an Uber for Sara and him to get to the bar where they, together with his coworkers, will celebrate a new year. „Babe? I called an Uber so you better run out of the bathroom in this very moment or I will leave you here!“ Shane called teasingly after his girlfriend as he grabbed his jacket and doublechecked he has his wallet and keys. „Oh will you? I don’t think so, who else would get you back to this flat once you’re wasted?“ Sara called back, laughing, Shane heard a sound of a blowdryer being turned on – oh so we are doing this?„May I inform you that I know other people besides you and I?“ Shane laughed and stepped next to the window to look out into the night, he always liked the view.„No way!“ Sara called back, cracking a laugh right after, „like who?“ she added after she stopped laughing.„Like Ryan..for example?“ Shane shrugged his shoulders just to see his girlfriend come out of the bathroom a moment later a little sad smile placed on her pink lips. „Sure you do,“ she smiled the way you smile on a little kid.„What is it?“ Shane frowned immediately when he saw his girlfriend’s face expression, there was something like an overwhelming sadness in her eyes.„Nothing, I’m just already tired when I think about how long is going this night be,“ Sara smiled and kissed Shane on the cheek before heading for her coat. Shane really wanted to ask her again. Wanted to grab her and hug her and make sure she’s alright. Because no matter what feelings he had for Ryan, he still cared for Sara more than anything and he wanted her happy. Maybe he even felt a little bit guilty, because he would always be sure about her feelings for him and only him. But could he say the same? It indeed was a strange situation, but Shane completely forgot about it the second they arrived to the party, almost the whole squad from Buzzfeed was there. He politely chatted with everyone he met throughout his journey to the bar to order some drinks for him and Sara.When he ordered those drinks, he laned against the bar counter and let his sight wander around the place, everyone was having great time, people were talking loudly, laughing, even making out. Everyone had a time of their life.„So you made it!“ Ryan’s happy voice cut the air like a blazer, Shane turned to his left to spot his short friend right next to him with such an excited smile Shane had restrain himself from pulling Ryan into a hug. It was a weird night after all.„Of course I made it, why wouldn’t I?“ Shane chuckled and grabbed those drinks for Sara and him.„I don’t know, I’m just happy that you’re here!“ Ryan yelled again, excitement shining from every cell of his body, Shane gifted him a peering look jut to figure out seconds later that this lovely affectionate behaviour is a result of predrinking. Ryan was buzzed. Just enough to be cute, but not too much to stop him from talking nonstop.„Are you?“ Shane flushed his eyebrows, not even trying to cover the laugh escaping his mouth when he saw that Ryan already had a little trouble with walking but before he could say more Ryan stumbled over his own feet and almost feel down. Shane grabbed him by his elbow in the last second and laughed again.„Ryan,“ he vocalized softly, still laughing as he was watching his little friend staring at him with his beamy eyes.„Yes?“ Ryan asked, his eyes shining with sudden hope as his sight traveled from the spot where Shane was holding him back to Shane’s eyes.„You should really slow down,“ Shane suggested, the little smile never leaving his lips. Ryan’s face darkened for a moment and Shane wondered why, but it was just a split of a second before the little man’s face lighten up with yet another smile.„Has anyone ever told you that you look really good from this angle, big guy?“ Ryan giggled, alright maybe he was more than buzzed at this point. Shane froze in the moment and swallowed hardly, this was the first time Ryan said something so..intimate to him.„Let’s go,“ Shane brushed it off with another laughter, he always knew his friend was the cuddly/cute type when drunk, he would always hug Shane and force him to piggy-bag Ryan. He would always be all over Shane, but this time it was somehow different.„Where?“ Ryan screamed and then wheezed on his own loud voice, Shane just rolled his eyes and pulled his friend through the crowd while repeating „unbelievable!“ with strong funny accent until Ryan was almost crying from the laughter. They found themselves sitting on the stairs next to the bar, Shane was quietly sipping on his beer and waiting for Ryan to sober up at least a little so he would manage to stay awake till midnight, because it has always been very important to Ryan.It was still snowing, those fluffy snowflakes were slowly falling down to only add up to hills of snow by the side of the road. Shane was watching it with somewhat of a peace on his mind, he could feel the warmth of Ryan next to him, he heard his breathing, he felt his shoulder pressed against Shane’s and this all gave him those peace vibes. This was enough. The street was loud and full of people celebrating the end of this year, having the time of their lives, while Shane was sitting on those stairs with the best person ever and couldn’t wish for more. It was enough.Suddenly he felt a soft touch on his shoulder and before he knew a head full of almost black hair was resting on his shoulder. He froze again, this was something new. Something different. He only slowly looked over to Ryan’s side – just to make sure it wasn’t a dream. But really, the little man’s head was resting on Shane’s shoulder, he was hugging himself with his arms as he brought his knees closer to his chest. It was probably just because of the cold outside, Ryan’s nose was already red like Rudolph’s. Yes, it was the winter. But still, why was Ryan pressed so close against him? Shane breathed out as carefully as he could, he didn’t want this moment to end. Not now, not ever. This was enough.Ryan snorted loudly and brushed off something from his face with his hand covered in the sleeve of his jacket. Such a normal gesture, right? So why did Shane’s heart do a backflip? Ryan then sighed heavily, his sight locked on his hands. Shane could feel there was something bothering his friend. But he didn’t want to break the moment and be pushy on him.After what seemed like eternity but just a spil of a second in the same time Ryan sighed heavily again. It was as if the whole weight of the world was placed on this little man’s shoulders. This sigh cut deep to Shane’s heart. Alright.„What is it?“ Shane asked for the second time today. Ryan just shook his head after a while and laughed almost bitterly. Then he straightened up creating a sudden wave of grief to Shane when he realized Ryan’s head is no longer on his shoulder. Ryan’s eyes were watching the street almost as if he was looking for the answers there. After a while he finally managed to look at Shane. No it wasn’t just a look. It was such a deep gaze Shane’s heart started to beat like crazy. Ryan opened his mouth a little as if he was about to say something but changed his mind at the last second. Suddenly he stood up, breaking the moment.„ I’m gonna head back inside,“ Ryan mumbled as he brushed of some imaginare dirt off his jacket, you coming?“ he asked when he realized Shane’s not following him back inside.„Nah.. I’ll.. I’ll stay here, enjoy the atmosphere,“ Shane laughed nervously, rubbing his hands together. Ryan was watching him for maybe a minute before he chuckled and rolled his eyes. „I love you, man,“ Ryan smiled before he turned and dissappeared into the bar. Shane’s soft smile over his friend’s statement was a slightly disturbed by the fact Ryan’s eyes were glassy before he dissappeared. And no not the ‚drunk-glassy‘, no. Rather like ‚seconds before cry-glassy‘. Hours later Shane found himself standing by the wall of the bar, sipping on his beer and still trying to figure out what’s going on. It seems almost as if everyone close to him knew something no one bothered to told him at all.It was maybe five minutes to midnight when Shane noticed that there started some noise by the bar counter, however it wasn’t fight as Shane thought at first, it was cheering. Who for?Ryan.That bastard was standing on the bar counter and with a bottle of beer in his hand he was trying to make everyone silent. He was heavily drunk at this point and Shane couldn’t understand how the fuck did he managed to get there at the first place, but beofre he could go and take Ryan down before he hurts himself, Ryan started his speech.„Psssss! People! Shut up, please! I have-I have an anouncement to make,“ Ryan called and everyone cheered again, except Shane who was waiting to hear more, because Ryan would never do such a drama if it wasn’t something big. And if it was.. why didn’t he told him at the first place?„People! As y’all already noticed I’m wearing my special ghoul boots!“ Ryan started of with a light joke and pointed to his shoes. Shane laughed a bit at the dramatic way of announcing things when it came to Ryan.„Which as most of you know, can mean just one thing… I promised I will wear them the day..“ Ryan did a dramatic pause. But he didn’t have to. Shane’s heart sank to his stomach. That stupid bet they made. All the blood has drained from his face. No…NO!„I am getting married!“ Ryan shouted and the noise that happened after this statement would make one deaf. Except for Shane. He felt as if he was deaf already, he felt as if someone ripped his heart out of his chest. His jaw dropped and all he could do was stare stupidly. Shane knew what he has said – that it was enough. Bullshit! Yes it was enough because he still had the hope that somewhere in the future he’ll be able to tell Ryan how he feels. It hurts double, because for some reason Shane thought Ryan feels pretty much the same. Stupid. So stupid.Ryan’s eyes found Shane’s over the heads of celebrators, he was staring at him as if he was trying to say something. He seemed like he’ll come down and right to Shane to at least try and explain. He seemed so overwhelmingly sad for a second. He seemed like he’d do something. But then he just smiled a little bit saddly with those same glassy eyes. Then they pulled Ryan down from the counter and Shane no longer saw him over those people. Not that he’d like to.„Let’s go,“ Sara’s soft voice brought him back to the reality just to realize he was standing like this for solid 5 minutes, just staring at the spot where his best friend annouced his weeding just moments ago.Shane did not protest when she pulled him out and into the Uber, he did not say a word when she got him to their flat and he didn’t even flinch when she placed him to bed. Everything has ended. This was it and Shane knew it. He damn sure knew he said it was enough but obviously not.„It was Helen,“ Sara whispered before she kissed him goodnight and turned the light off.Shane did not understand why did she tell him. Not at first. Not until many months later.Right now he had enough. Enough of drinking. Enough of people. Enough of this damn year. Enough of Ryan.