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Abby breathes a sigh of relief into her warm washcloth.It has been a rollercoaster of a day. She had thought that she and Luka were basically on the same page: raising the baby together. There’s so much between them that’s unsaid, but she’s been trying so hard to do better, and it has seemed like he has too. That he was on board, 100%, with both of them in it. And then he’d said that word. Africa.Stupid Carter. She’s going to slap him so hard the next time she sees him, even if he didn’t know. He saw how Luka had almost died the last time. It’s not that she has anything against Luka, or Carter, or anyone for that matter, helping and caring about people. She had just thought that Luka cared about her, or at least the baby, more. Finding out that he would rather go help Carter than be here with her through the pregnancy hurt like hell. Enough to make her bare her heart and tell him how much she hated the thought.Luka had somehow already known. Because he does listen and he cares. He just often misses her meaning, and she knows that’s because she doesn’t spell it out for him. At least this time he’d read between the lines to see her need for him. If she absolutely had to, she could do this without him. It sounds awful, though. Abby wants to be independent and strong and say it doesn’t matter. But whenever she gets frantic and her mind starts twirling, Luka has this way of touching her that makes everything inside her still. It doesn’t erase the fear, but reminds her he’s there, they’re a team, and they’re doing this together. There is no one else in the world that she feels this way about.Every time Abby’s tried to give him an opening to define their relationship he’s shied away from it. So the idea of asking him to stay, knowing he still might not…she only took the risk because the words HAD to come out of her. But when she told him, he didn’t run or turn her away, he decided to stay—for her. He’s been extra attentive and affectionate since. Luka is already both of those things, at least, he is with her. Huh. Anyway, he’s barely left her side, and she is not complaining in the least.The feeling of losing herself in a relationship, of trying to fit herself into a mold that her partner wants for her, she’s always resented it. With Luka, it’s not like that. They don’t have to try to fit, they just do. The deeper into this relationship they go, she keeps waiting to feel like she’s slipping away. Instead, she feels more like herself. It’s addictive.
At this point, Abby should tell him that she’s in love with him. After today, he might know anyway. He’s still Luka, though. Despite how intelligent he is, irritatingly so at times, he can also be laughably dense. So maybe he doesn’t.Finishing up, she crawls into bed next to him, where he is sitting propped up against a pillow. He reaches to put his arm around her, but she stays facing him. She just needs to know.“About today. Are you, uh, disappointed? About not going to Africa? About staying?” The “with me” she can’t quite say.Luka tilts his head at her in question before shaking it. “No, of course not.” He stares at her for a minute. She feels her face heat as she moves to sit next to him and lean against his shoulder. He can’t see her as well there. “I didn’t WANT to leave you. I wanted to help, to…make things better, I guess.” He reaches down to caress her belly and her heart squeezes at his words. He always seems so carefree, so trusting that everything will go right. It can almost make her forget that he sees the darkness in the world at least as much as she does.“Abby, I’m sorry about today. I didn’t…when I was in Africa, I knew I didn’t die. Obviously. So I guess I never thought about what that might have been like. For you.”The memory makes her squeeze her eyes shut. Luka’s here, she reminds herself. He is right there with her, his heart beating under her hand rather than still and buried under African soil. Until his fingers rub soothingly down her arm, she doesn’t realize her nails are pressing into his skin where she’s clinging. Abby feels like she has to say something, but putting words to it isn’t going to happen. If she talks about it, she’s going to cry. Damn baby hormones. He speaks before she can try.“When I was there, when I almost died, I..I thought I’d be happy.”Fear shoots through Abby and she lifts herself up to look at him in concern. “Happy to be with Danijela and the kids again.” He meets her eyes for a second before flicking them away. “I wasn’t. I realized I wanted to live. That I had…people…who I still wanted to be around for. Even if it couldn’t be in the way I wished.”Luka draws out the last part slowly. Carefully. He can’t mean her. But why say it otherwise? He wants her to know. She thinks back to that day that she can’t stand to think about. Their hug goodbye in the lounge had haunted her. At the time, she’d just been thinking about how badly she wanted to confide in him, how much she wanted to talk to him about Eric, about Carter. She hadn’t, out of guilt. It had felt so final. Those few days, that eternity, when she had thought it was had been torture. She had kicked herself for not trying to stop him, for not saying something, anything more meaningful.Abby wants to tell him. That’s when she knew she was in love with him, when she thought it was too late. But the words stick in her throat and Luka continues.“Now, having this, with you? It’s…when I thought you had the abortion, I was heartbroken, yes. But I still wanted you.” Her throat constricts as she realizes what he’s saying, and so do his stomach muscles underneath her hand. “With every other woman, I’ve always needed at least the chance to have another child. With you, I want…I want YOU, baby or no baby.”Aaaaaand, she’s crying. The hormones can’t even be blamed, it’s totally Luka. He loves her. Not just as a friend, or the mother of his child, but as HER. This time she can’t even reason it away by saying he doesn’t know her, because he DOES, and he loves her anyway. Oh, how she loves him.“When Chuny told me…” she bites her lip against the sob that wants to come and leans her head against his shoulder.Luka’s hand runs over her cheek and she closes her eyes. “It’s okay, Abby, you don’t have to.”She knows, but she wants to stop being so afraid. After today, it’s clear that he isn’t going to just leave her hanging. Talking about when he was “dead,” though, she can’t. Not yet. It was too terrible, thinking about her world, or even THE world, without Luka in it. She can’t quite say those words yet, but there are other things she can say. To explain what he means to her. She gathers her courage again.“When I decided to have the baby, I…it was because of you.” Luka’s hand pauses in its caress of her face.“As scared as I am about my own genes hurting him or her, when I think about the fact that you’re the dad? This baby is half you, too, and I want a baby with you, but also—well, I want a baby like that.”It comes out all in a tangle. Abby’s heart is thundering in her chest, and she can’t bring herself to look up at him yet. The enormity of everything she feels for him is frightening. Then his mouth is on hers, the tenderness and urgency of his kiss telling her he gets it as much as the damp on his cheek. Neither of them is fantastic with words. At least, not with words that leave them vulnerable. They’ve had so many misunderstandings based on things they’ve said that meant something else, or things they didn’t mean, or completely missed what the other was really saying. This, though, this they both understand. It might sound shallow to others, but his hand holding her face like she’s precious and the look of pure adoration in his eyes is anything but that. Maybe someday they’ll be brave enough to say the real words out loud, but if she has to choose, she will take Luka’s love in action every time.