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ariana threw a picture frame face down and watched as the glass shattered on the ground. she did that one by one, hurling all the picture frames on the dresser on the floor until there were no more. she felt nothing but she wanted to feel something. not anger. not absolute rage. not sadness. not distress. she felt not a goddamn thing. and that was her fault. every single thing was her fault. she felt nothing since her girlfriend left her and for once, she wanted to feel. she wanted to make sense of something. she wanted to feel some shred of emotion. she just felt a dark void in her heart.and that was her fault.xshe hated how small the industry was. ariana always saw her around or with other people she knew. she couldn't avoid her. they always gave pleasant 'hellos' and 'how are yous?' around friends and peers. they kept the small talk up. kept up a facade that they weren't broken beyond repair. no one needed to know about them. no one needed the truth. everyone thought they just grew apart, just like friends can do but no. fuck no. it was so much more.and that was her fault.xariana saw normani leave with her new boyfriend at this event they were at and she was so blinded by rage, she shattered the wine glass in her hand. that was the first strong thing she felt for weeks. years, even.anger.and that was her fault.xshe didn't want to go down that path of drugs and hard liquor. yet she did and she spiraled badly. she smoked weed occasionally, whatever. what 25 year old didn't do it for fun? but she wanted more. she wanted to feel less. she wanted to be higher. she wanted to be numb for the rest of her life. she wanted to chase away her demons with substances. she had too much fucking trauma and pain that she faced at that age.
and that was her fault and yet none of it was.xher life was various white coke lines, pills and dark liquor since then. she fell in with the wrong crowd. did the wrong things. when she turned 30, she was a fucking parody of herself. she went to rehab twice, promising she would get better. and she did, eventually, but with losing all the good and love of her life.and that was her fault.xnormani was in the middle of it all. normani was always there. ariana and normani weren't official with their relationship but they were something. people knew they were inseparable. she was there before ariana's spiral. normani was there when ariana got too drunk or was on a bad trip or had the shakes. for three years, she stayed and she didn't know why. neither of them knew why but normani saw the good in her. believed she would get better. she stayed and ariana took blatantly took advantage of that.and that was her fault.xthe first time ariana went to rehab, things seemed so hopeful. ariana put out new music, got endorsements again, was everywhere for good reasons, not for her scandals. her and normani were seen everywhere, went vacation together, were on each other's social media. not even on just a happy level, but on a physical level. they fucked more. they fucked everywhere. they were so happy. they were so happy to see each other again. normani was so happy, she even gave ariana a promise ring and ariana bought her a diamond necklace. ariana thought she was better too.and that was her fault.xariana's mother died shortly after that and so did her sense of hopefulness. she went back to the dark place. her anger got out of control. she snapped at everyone. she drank so much. she shot up as much as her body could handle. she snorted as much as she could. she blacked out so much. she couldn't handle anything without being high or drunk.and that was her fault.xnormani was terrified. she always saw ariana like this but it was worse. everything set her off. she couldn't have a conversation with her anymore without a yelling match or normani taking a bottle or glass out of her hand. ariana looked terrible. she lost so much weight and her face was sunken in. she wasn't the same girl she fell in love with. normani cried every night while ariana was passed out somewhere.and that was her fault.xnormani left her. she couldn't take it anymore. she couldn't save her and she didn't want to anymore. ariana didn't blame her. ariana pleaded she would go back to rehab and get better for her but normani didn't want to hear it any longer. her time was done.and that was her fault.xwhen ariana heard the door slam, she saw the necklace she gave to normani after the first time she got out of rehab on the floor, next to the door. she started to sob, violent sobs that wracked her whole body. the only love of her life was gone and that was her own fucking fault. she was selfish. all she wanted to do was get high. she didn't care about anyone else.
ariana swallowed a pill. and another one. and another one. and another one. and another one. she didn't care. she just didn't care anymore.and that was her fault.xshe overdosed and normani visited her in the hospital.x"i love you, ariana grande. i love you so much. i always will and you know that but you need to get better and i can't be there for you anymore. please get help. not for me but yourself. i just... can't. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry."xso she did. she went to rehab for the second time and instead of going back to the public eye, she took a two year hiatus. she spoke to no one. she didn't contact anyone. she wanted to focus on herself. she felt like one of the cliche tropes of cutting off the world to find herself but she needed to. to save herself.it was lonely though.xariana came back home and she couldn't stop writing. she probably wrote over 100 songs about her life in 5 years. it was all bleak and solemn. she wanted people to know her pain. she wrote so much about normani too and she didn't hide it either (she wanted people to interpret it how they wanted but both her and normani knew the truth). she didn't want to mask any of it with happy, poppy beats. she wanted people to know the reality. her reality. she even learned to play guitar in that period.xshe was praised for the album, from fans, the media, and it gained critical acclaim. everyone calling it the right direction for her 30s now.xher life was falling back into place. she did drastic changes to her appearance. she dyed her hair strawberry blonde, got a full sleeve on both arms, wore darker makeup. she didn't look the same because she wasn't the same. she changed, for better and worse, and she didn't know how to feel about that.xshe contacted and reached out to all her old friends and they were all so happy and proud she was healing and seeking treatment.
but she wanted praise from one person and one person only.x"mani? please don't hang up but i wanted to see if you wanted to get lunch with me sometime? i just miss you," ariana choked out the last word, feeling like an idiot after it came out her mouth.
it was silent for a few moments before normani spoke.
"i would like that, ari."x"oh, fuck!"
ariana whined out while grinding and riding as hard as she could on normani's strap, digging in normani's back with her claw-like nails. she missed normani and everything about her, especially her body in general. her moans were the most beautiful music she's ever heard. they were in sync, once again. she missed all of this in the past almost 3 years they were apart. they felt complete again. "mani! i'm almost there!"
ariana came hard with normani not far behind her, both breathing heavily. ariana got off the toy and normani's lap. normani took off the harness and they both held each other, missing their embraces.x"i'm sorry, normani. i'm so, so sorry. for every single thing."
"i know, ariana."xnormani told ariana how she was dating someone. a nice, well-respected man now and how they could never do this again. ariana felt like her world was crashing down.but that was her fault.xafter ariana broke the wine glass, she stormed out the prestige place, not caring about anything or who was calling her name. she sat outside of the wall of the building, with her head in her hands. she fucked up so much. so, so much.but that was her fault.xnormami called her a few weeks later after the event."ariana, i miss you," she paused. "i want you."
ariana was a little repulsed, but she wouldn't or couldn't say no, even though she didn't want to be fuck buddies or be an accomplice with her cheating games.
"i'm not a toy, normani. you know how i feel about you. i love you but i'm not gonna be here just because you want to fuck. you want me then you need to have me 100 percent. i'm tired of acting courteously in front of everyone when i just want to love you freely and again. don't play with me!" ariana practically spat.
"just like you disregarded my feelings when you were strung out on heroin every night and only god knows what! you hurt me, ariana, but i still haven't stopped loving you! i tried to get over you, but i can't," normani's voice rising with each word. they both needed to have this conversation but they didn't think it would happen at this moment.
"i broke up with him. all my boyfriends and even girlfriends, i only saw you in them. i can't move on! i can't--" normani started choking out heart-wrenching sobs and ariana started crying too. when normani eventually calmed down, she said something that gave ariana hope again.
"you broke my heart, ariana, but i can't be with anyone else but you. i don't know if we'll ever be the same again but i need you so much. i cry out for you every night. please. just be with me. i'm not even sure if this is healthy but you are my everything. life isn't right without you. when you left the country for two years, i wondered if you were okay; if you were getting the help you needed, if you were finding peace with the world and within yourself, if you faced your demons yet. i never stopped loving you and i never will. i don't know what you have done to me but you complete me so much."ariana didn't know what to say but she couldn't stop crying. when she left, she thought normani would have moved on or gotten married. she wasn't expecting this confession. her heart felt like it was caught in her throat.it took her a few minutes to get herself together and say something back to normani's confession."i love you so much, normani. when i was in europe, i thought of you every day. i was hoping you would find someone better than me, i--," ariana felt herself get choked up again. "you know what songs are about you and what songs reflect you. the album is practically you personified," ariana laughed, and normani joined in. "i... just don't know what to say but i haven't stopped loving you either.""we probably aren't going to be the same. but i won't give up on you. i couldn't even if i tried. let's just take it one day at a time.""okay. i would love that."xnormani was right. they weren't the same. they were better. ariana was finally sober and went to extensive therapy and a psychologist. they were different people than they were 5 years ago and that's perfectly okay. normani liked the grown-up version of ariana very much. she was wiser, sexier, more mature, and a little more dangerous. she fell in love with her all over again. she joked that ariana should learn how to ride a motorcycle to match her current look (and ariana did and normani found that so hot).
ariana bought normani a ring this time around. not a promise ring but an engagement ring.
they were soulmates. very mismatched soulmates but they belonged together.
and that was no one's fault. it just was.x
end.