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He dreaded the winter. The cold, the darkness – hell, European winter was so dark, he thought the sun completely had disappeared on the day that daylight saving was announced. Daylight saving. He repeated the word internally with a bitter taste in his mouth. It felt like bullshit; putting the clock one hour back at the beginning of winter wouldn’t make it any less dark. Winter in Europe was terrible. As if you looked at the definition of depression and slapped an entire continent on it for the remaining two and a half months of the year. They got ready for a mission in the morning and it was dark. They came back the same day in the late afternoon and it was dark again.Genji hadn’t wasted a single thought on ever wanting to return to his home prefecture in Shizuoka, too many painful and anger-inducing memories were attached to it, but he missed the mild winters, the rare occasion of snow falling, the lights of the city, the romantic atmosphere that overcame Japan when it was coming close to Christmas. But Switzerland was different. The HQ was maybe officially in Geneva, but some parts of the base were far off the Canton, somewhere deep in the mountains far away from civilisation. And while the snow was beautiful, it was so dark one could barely see anything. His birthday passed unnoticed. Reyes was away on another mission with a different group of Blackwatch agents – and since that disaster with agent García back in July, Genji wasn’t getting on any that didn’t have McCree employed as well.No one else really knew about the date he was born, nor did anyone seem to care. As always, Genji was the outcast, the observer of everything around him but he never truly belonged. The American with the heavy southern accent had requested to get at least a few days off around Chanukah how he called it – Genji could barely pronounce the word, but he heard of it before. In the end, Reyes decided to give him off until Christmas, to McCree’s delight and Genji’s disappointment.According to Reyes, he had no other choice because McCree worked his ass off all year long and as long as the base was in Switzerland, he was entitled to four weeks of holidays each year which he barely had taken advantage of. For McCree, it meant to relax but for Genji, it was plain torture to be stuck on base because unlike everyone else, he couldn’t just leave. * It was the last day of Chanukah. Dr Ziegler – Angela – had asked him before if he wanted to see the Christmas market in Zürich but Genji politely declined. The three-hour-ride wasn’t what bothered him, though he used it as an excuse. He didn’t want to directly say it was the people who were the problem. It wouldn’t have helped his reputation if he had been honest. Switzerland might have been Omnic-friendly, but he wasn’t so sure about cyborg-friendly. Nor was he in the mood to be stared at. When Angela asked McCree about it that day, he seemed excited to go but Genji’s glare shut him down – and he knew, as much as he loved to go, he understood that leaving Genji alone on base while everyone else was enjoying themselves was simply cruel. McCree’s empathy was the only one that seemed to be real to the cyborg. Whatever careful words other people chose to speak to him, none of them seemed to be anything than beautifully framed lies because Genji could sense their distrust of him, the fear they had of him.They did not want him around. But McCree was different – he always wanted him around. And that was the reason why McCree decided to stay.*The HQ felt weirdly empty. Agents were coming and going, yet it was almost surreal of how the usually so highly populated building that was hidden within the mountains was almost deserted, deadly silent as most of them were either on missions or had left to celebrate the light festival with their families at home. McCree convinced Genji to at least follow him outside. He hid his intentions by just wanting to go for a smoke but once the cold air hid their faces, Genji realised quickly that McCree had lured him outside to talk. “Something’s off about you,” he began and covered the flame behind his palm to light the cigarette.It took him multiple attempts to do so, given by the clicking noise of the lighter and a curse word in Spanish following. “Everything is off about me, McCree,” Genji answered firmly. He hid his hands in the Blackwatch hoodie he was always wearing; cursing himself for not putting on an actual coat before leaving the heated rooms. The cold was biting and despite the system of his cybernetic body heating up easily, he was still freezing his ass off out there. “It’s nothing new.” The agent – his friend – had turned his back towards him, leaning with his legs against the steel barrier that separated the terrace from the steep brink surrounding it. As he didn’t add anything to his observation, Genji stood next to him and looked over the snowy mountains. McCree sighed, then offered him the cigarette but Genji declined. By all means, he could have gone for a smoke but not when it was this cold. He was thankful for his faceplate more than anything right now. “‘s not that,” he continued. “You may think you are impossible to read, but I know when something’s wrong. You’re like this for a while now and I don’t think it’s seasonal depression.” Genji couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “I just don’t like the season,” he replied with a shrug. “Doesn’t seem so.” McCree’s words hit him off guard. The cyborg looked away, his eyes focused on the Lac Genève that he could make out in the distance. But the attempt of hiding it just never worked with McCree. The man could read him like an open book more often than not and Genji was conflicted about it. At first, he hated it but he had learned to appreciate it by now. To be understood without having to speak about things that were going on with his mind, without assumptions or accusations because rarely anyone truly understood how it was to be like this. “What are you on about?” he dared to ask after a moment of silence. McCree wanted him to talk, on his own. Without any invasive questions asked that could just lead to unnecessary tension – he had learned that already the day they had met for the first time. McCree sighed and took another puff from his cigarette. “I mean, I get that you ain’t so into going into public. But when I think about how you acted a few days ago when I invited you to join us for the Chanukah celebration, saying you don’t like the season seems to be a complete lie.” Genji turned around to lean with his back against the barrier. It was awfully cold, but he didn’t pull a face. He thought about the night that McCree mentioned. It was the third day of Chanukah that his friend convinced him to join the party. The few Jewish agents that celebrated the festival at HQ had all prepared a week in advance to decorate the common room in blue and white, occupied the kitchen for hours and hours to make various dishes of delicious food.Genji had little to no exposure to Judaism before he had become a member of Blackwatch and he was very hesitant to join McCree, mainly because he wasn’t really comfortable around anyone there besides him, additionally to the cultural differences that he didn’t really understand.In the end, his friend could convince him with buñuelos and Genji couldn’t get enough of those.That night he felt genuinely happy – after months of being miserable, constantly fighting against the eternal boredom, the dysphoria and discomfort and violent fits of rage that overcame him out of no-where. “I still don’t know what you mean,” he said after a while, kicking with his feet a few blocks of frozen snow over the ground. He didn’t want to admit the lie – it was merely a half-truth if anything. It wasn’t Christmas or Chanukah that bothered him. Nor were it the people or their happiness because Genji couldn’t care less about others. McCree finished his cigarette by pressing it on the top of the steel barrier, then putting it into the ashtray nearby.“You know exactly what I mean,” he said – though his words were firm, his voice was soft. Hands in his pockets, he came a bit closer to Genji, now only being a few centimetres apart from each other.“And I want you to tell me what’s going on.” Genji returned the taller man’s gaze with a glare but it didn’t really work. McCree’s whole person was melting his protective façade as if it was nothing, seeing Genji’s hidden reality without fear or disgust. It was irritating but he stopped pushing him away when he did that.Genji had learned that McCree cared about him and it was a feeling he simply wasn’t used to. The cyborg looked away for a moment, lips pressed together and the words on his tongue but unable to speak them. He thought of it being completely unnecessary to even mention it. It wouldn’t make a difference, but in the end, McCree was right – no matter how he turned the page, Genji was struggling and it was all too visible to the other. “Genji?”The warm touch on his shoulder made him flinch for a second, his mind conditioned to consider any kind of tenderness like this as an immediate attack. He closed his eyes for a moment to calm down, then put a cybernetic hand on McCree’s warm arm, signalising him to keep it there despite his repulsive reaction at first. “Birthday,” he mumbled, barely audible.He was still freezing and given that McCree could now feel that he was shaking lightly, the older man gently pulled him into a hug. Genji’s entire body was trying to resist the urge to push him away, but he forced himself to stay for the sake of McCree’s body warmth. They stayed like that for a while until he had warmed up enough to let go again, still ever so awkward about physical affection. McCree had hugged him before, but not too often out of respect of Genji’s issues. He sighed softly as they parted again, resting his back against the barrier once more. There was no point letting himself being eaten by his own torturous thoughts and if McCree wanted to hear it, so be it. “It doesn’t feel like I am really alive. Like this-“Genji raised his right arm that had been fully replaced with a cybernetic one, made out of artificial muscle, electronical nerves and metal. “I’ve been killed two years ago and yet I am still walking on this planet with a body that isn’t really mine, after being in a coma for almost a whole year. It is like… my birthday is like a reminder that Genji Shimada is a dead person.” Putting these thoughts into spoken words made his completely detached experience from the world flare-up in hot feelings of anger, slowly taking control over his whole body. He stopped feeling the cold around them as if the snow was just as artificial and fake as his existence. McCree didn’t say anything in return, but his expression answered everything that Genji wanted to know. That he could trust him.And McCree confirmed to him that he was simply understanding, non-judgmental of Genji’s personality, his bad habits and outbursts. Instead of trying to punish him, he was trying to comfort him. He listened to him.As far as their relationship had been going, those were mostly silent exchanges of McCree channelling Genji’s rage into different directions, causing him to not walk on rampant destructive paths that brought him only into more trouble than he already had with himself.But this time he wanted Genji to talk. And Genji was surprised at how much it was helping. “I don’t exist as a legal person anymore. The papers Overwatch made for me use fake names and fake addresses. Nothing of that is real except my nationality. But in their official database, I am written down as Genji Shimada, born December 4th 2040 in Hanamura-shi, Shizuoka, Japan. And my name is written in fucking Katakana.”He put the emphasis on Katakana, spitting it out like it was a dirty word. “Overwatch does not want to associate with Yakuza, I get it. But they erased my identity and made me their-“ Genji had to fight with himself not to break the barrier, one metal rod of it clenched in his cybernetic fist. He took a sharp breath, before finishing his rant.“Their puppet.”The hot rage ebbed away as fast as it had overcome him, those last words spoken with his ever so indifferent and calm voice, removed of any emotion.He let go of the barrier, stood there in front of McCree, fully exposed and vulnerable and yet the subtle feeling of regret didn’t come as anticipated.The cold came creeping back into his mind, he was freezing more than before and a small gesture from McCree made him follow back inside the heated building. Barely anyone was now on base and they found the common room empty. Genji wanted to protest as McCree threw him one of the fluffy blankets, but his friend insisted on him to warm up after spending fifteen minutes outside in temperatures below zero without anything on besides his usual hoodie.A moment later he was wrapped in the grey thing, curled up on one of the sofas nearby the big window, McCree sitting beside him. “Thank you for listening,” Genji said after a while. He sighed against the faceplate. Being able to vent it all out made him honestly feel better and he was contemplating about taking the mask off.They were alone – and the conversation they just had confirmed Genji now that he could absolutely trust in McCree, as much as his mind tried to tell him that it was a bad idea. “It’s alright,” McCree replied softly. “I mean, I can kinda understand where you’re comin’ from. Not that I can relate to your body experience and I ain’t gonna claim that I do, but I understand the feeling of being erased from history.” “I wouldn’t describe it as a feeling.”Genji removed his hands from under the blanket and took off his face mask. He could sense McCree’s eyes on the scars that revealed themselves underneath but the man knew not to stare.“It was simply brought home to me that I have lost my humanity somewhere. By taking my body and my identity.”Genji spoke those words with such a cold indifference that he could see McCree shiver from the corner of his eye.“But I still need to figure out if I want to consider myself dead. Because I clearly am not and my birthday was just a reminder that I still need to answer this question,” he continued, the face plate was still in his hands. Genji decided to place it on the wooden table in front of them. “Honestly,” McCree began after a moment of silence. “I hope that your answer is being alive. You grew on me.” He gave Genji a smile, though his eyes showed that his heart was aching. McCree’s empathy was still confusing to him, but Genji embraced it now fully.It was giving him hope, even if it was just a little. “I don’t know yet… but thank you.” * Genji found himself abruptly being kicked back to reality as the corridor near his room was filling up with the noise of people loudly talking and laughing. He let out a grunt, pressed his face into his pillow at first, then turned to the side, lying there for a moment while he stared at the wardrobe on the other side of his small room.The loud noise didn’t disappear and it was getting on his nerves. He looked at the alarm clock on his bedside table. 7:34 p.m. Genji hadn’t even bothered to close the curtains because it was so dark, it could have been midnight. He needed more than one year to get used to the darkness of this place. Genji had excused himself to take a nap earlier. After not having slept well the night before, his outburst had exhausted him even more and as quickly as he had returned to his room, he had passed out. It took a while for the corridor to become less noisy. Genji figured that the group from Zürich had returned by now and they brought all their newly bought items back to their quarters before dinner.He contemplated getting up for a moment but the decision was taken from him as he heard someone knocking against his door.It was a soft knock, not the one that Commander Reyes or McCree used to get him to answer his door. “Genji?”It was Angela's voice coming from the other side.Genji had avoided her for the past days, fully aware that he had disappointed her by declining the invitation. And even more aware of the fact that he didn’t really care. The more Angela tried to get through him, the more Genji built those defensive walls up higher. Trust was difficult and Angela was his assigned doctor, first and foremost. He was hesitant about opening the door, but she knocked once more and called him with a little frustration in her voice.“I know you’re inside there, Jesse told me you went to take a nap.” “I’m coming,” he answered with a little too much-faked pleasantry in his voice, searching his dark room for one of the oversized black shirts he owned and a matching thin scarf to cover his face with because it would be a hassle to put the mask back on without taking too long.Genji opened the door a little too abruptly and Angela’s lips escaped a surprised gasp as he stared at her with glaring red eyes.“Oh sorry.” It wasn’t really an apology, the words had barely any meaning. Angela was still wearing a white winter coat with soft fake fur surrounding her cheeks that had been rosy from being out in the cold for so long. She chuckled awkwardly at herself for getting startled, then placed a small white bag in Genji’s hands.“I thought if you won’t come to my hometown at least, I could bring you something. It’s enough for you to share it with Jesse if you want to. He teased me too much recently, so I didn’t bring him something this time.”Angela winked and gave him a warm smile. “I hope you enjoy it, Genji.”With that, she left him standing there alone and confused, with the bag in his hands.Genji took a moment to come back to his senses and he felt stupid for a second because getting a gift from Angela after being such a dick to her was catching him off guard. He closed the door behind himself again and clicked the light switch with his elbow.The white bag had a golden logo printed on it, something written in German that Genji barely could figure out how to pronounce.
Läderach
He sat down on his bed again and removed the scarf from his face, eyeing the bag with distrust. Angela had asked him on his birthday about coming to Zürich with her when he was in her office for another check-up on his vitals.Genji figured out now why and it made him feel sick, almost angry again. He didn’t really know what was genuine about Dr Angela Ziegler; if she was really caring about him or if she just did it because it was her job and his general mistrust in people wasn’t helping the case.Of course, she knew about his birthday. As his doctor, Angela had to know about his actual data.But he didn’t want her fucking pity for him.After all, she was partly responsible for eradicating his identity, even though something in the back of his mind reminded him that she wasn’t in charge of that decision and he quickly forced himself to forget those intrusive thoughts. Genji let out a deep sigh before he removed the adhesive tape with careful fingers to see what was inside the bag.A red envelope was placed on top of the actual gift, his name written in Angela’s best handwriting on it. He took it out and placed it aside. She had brought him chocolate.Three big pieces of hand-made, high-quality Swiss chocolate. Genji took the translucent bag that they were wrapped in into his hands, observing them carefully.One of them was completely pink and had little bits of dried fruit in it, another one seemed to be dark chocolate with walnuts and the last was plain milk chocolate.“I don’t deserve this,” Genji whispered under his breath. He was astonished by how of all people, Angela decided to get him something like this.Angela, who had to put up with his shit the most, for the longest time. The chocolates found themselves back in the white bag and Genji’s fingers nervously opened the red envelope.Dear Genji, A happy late birthday to you. I know you have been struggling a lot in the past months and I wasn’t sure if I should bring it up on your last check-up. You didn’t seem to want to talk about it either. All I wanted is to let you know that you don’t have to feel guilty for what has happened between us. A lot of my patients have been terrible to me because of their conditions. You aren’t any different. Please enjoy these chocolates. I hope you like them! The pink one is a raspberry-blackberry mix. Yours, AngelaGuilty. Genji crumbled the letter into a ball and tossed it in the bin across the room.“You need to cut that shit out, Dr Ziegler,” he hissed at the paper and ripped the envelope into two halves before tossing it away as well. He was disappointed. The letter just confirmed his thoughts about her being just as fake as everybody else. He got up from the bed to get properly dressed for dinner, putting the face mask back on and getting his hair brushed after it becoming so messy after his nap.Genji wasn’t so sure about what to do with the chocolates. They were expensive as hell and unlike the stupid letter, he would have been a little guilty if he would just toss them into the trash as well.And he had to admit that he was curious about their taste.
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As Genji reached the cafeteria he was promptly caught by McCree and brought back to the common room which they had been sitting together at noon. Genji wanted to protest but his friend insisted – like with the blanket earlier – he wanted him around for the night. “Agent Wilhelm brought us Glühwein from Germany. You should absolutely try it,” McCree explained as they walked back upstairs.“Gu- Guruwain?” McCree couldn’t help but chuckle at Genji’s attempt to pronounce the word properly and the glare he received seemed to be absolutely worth it for him. “You’ll get there one day. It took me quite a while to learn some basic German,” McCree laughed. Genji raised an eyebrow but let the topic slide. He had learned foreign languages in the past, the Shimada clan had been persistent in Hanzo and him being fluent in Mandarin, Korean and English. But after his near-death experience and a year-long coma, Genji was lucky that he could still decipher some phrases in those languages. Being around English speakers for the majority of the time now was helping his command of it certainly but he hadn’t bothered learning either Swiss German or French, which had been recommended to him as long as he was stationed on the Swiss base. The common room was packed, unlike the other day McCree asked him to come and Genji felt the discomfort creeping up again.A menorah with all its candles lit up was placed in the big window nearby the big table that was fully set with plates of different kinds of food. The room was so warm that Genji regretted putting on his hoodie on top of the black shirt.Not to mention that the smell of the freshly cooked food was overbearing. Too much noise of people chatting and laughing and music playing in the background. The last time he went, there weren’t so many of them. At least McCree chose to sit with him at the end of the table and as far as Genji could make things out in the dimmed light, there weren’t any plates nearby their own. “I made sure that you’ll be comfortable,” McCree said to him by leaning close to his ear so Genji could understand him through the noise. “If it’s too much, just tell me and we’ll leave.” The people slowly started to sit all around the table. Genji could see Angela between them, handing out big teacups filled with hot drinks. In the background, he could make out agent Wilhelm – a hulk of an old man who was surely over two metres tall and took an entire couch for himself. He was talking loudly in what seemed to be German with another old agent. Genji was observing the people in the room to keep himself distracted from the sheer discomfort he felt being around so many, but his thoughts were disrupted by someone handing him and McCree two cups with hot drinks. “Good evening, agent McCree, agent Genji,” she said with a soft smile on her lips. It was no one else than Captain Amari. The two men took the drinks, wishing her a good evening as well and thanked her. “May I sit with you?” she asked, a hand on the chair next to Genji’s. McCree looked at his friend, who then nodded at Amari. “Of course, Captain.” Ana Amari was one of the few people that Genji actually liked and paid respect to. She didn’t take any of his bullshit, just like McCree. “Thank you. It is rare to see you attend such events as today, Genji,” Ana began and sat down next to the cyborg. “Not that McCree has given me another choice,” he replied jokingly, overplaying his discomfort, which was punished by the older one punching him gently with his elbow in the sides. Ana let out a short dry laugh. “It was good that he didn’t give you one,” she said and made a gesture for them to drink. “Reinhardt made sure to get enough for everyone. But please don’t get too drunk tonight, I need you at the training range tomorrow morning. Both of you.” “Huh, what’s up?” McCree asked, blowing at the hot drink inside the cup before taking a sip. Ana gave him a concerned look before she explained: “We got a new range of rifles to try out and even if you love your gun, I want you to practice with them. Genji as well.” “I’m on break, Captain,” McCree complained but his laugh indicated that he wasn’t so serious about that. He looked at Genji who was fumbling with the mechanism of his face mask, eyes hushing over the crowded room to make sure no one was watching them. Eventually, he removed it, this time keeping the hood off that he usually put on when he was eating in public.“It sounds like fun to me,” he then said, looking at Ana. He took the cup in his hands and sniffed at the beverage. It seemed to be something sweet, barely having the aroma of an alcoholic drink. He took a sip and almost burned his tongue. Genji cursed in Japanese under his breath and put the cup back on the table. It had a sweet taste but it was too hot for him to drink yet. “Fun to you, maybe,” McCree teased him and had to hold back to not laugh at Genji’s cussing. “Careful, it’s hot.” Genji shot him a glare, then turned his attention back to the Captain. “My family had always preferred more traditional kinds of weapons but I had also been taught how to shoot. I wouldn’t say that it is what I am most skilled at but it wouldn’t hurt to try again,” he told Ana calmly.The thought of getting to try new weapons sounded all too promising for Genji. Ana smiled at them both before getting up again. “Good to know that I can at least count on one of you guys. I’ll see you in my office at 8 a.m. tomorrow.” She gave Genji a light pat on the shoulder before vanishing in the crowd again. “Damn adrenaline junkie,” McCree teased him again when Ana was out of sight and took another sip from his cup. “Enjoying the mulled wine?” Genji furrowed his eyebrows at the comment, ignoring what he said about the wine.“If you could experience my reality for a single day you’d know damn well why I need it.” He was back at his serious tone. This wasn’t the place and the time to explain himself. It was certainly too loud and Genji didn’t want anyone to eavesdrop on them, though the chances were low anyone would try. The atmosphere of the room was way too cheerful for such things and if anything, nobody would really dare to come close enough to hear them. McCree shrugged and brought his attention back to the wine. They sat there together in shared silence, Genji still observing the people with distrustful eyes as he tried to drink some of the wine again. The warmth of the alcohol was taking the tension away from him slowly and its sweetness was delightful. Genji enjoyed it. It was something completely different from the stuff he used to drink in the past; he wasn’t much of a wine person and rather chose the alcohol with higher volumes that could knock him out and forget the world. This drink made him think of better times. Of being lulled into the warmth of an ingle at a cold winter night, the comfort of being embraced by someone who cared about him… about him. Genji caught himself staring at McCree and he wanted to punch himself in the face for it. Don’t go there. He cursed internally at himself, not even realising that he downed the hot drink within less than a minute and his body protesting against him being way too overdressed. “Want one more?” McCree asked him, either willfully ignorant or blatantly dense to Genji’s eyes resting on him for the whole time. “Sure,” he said. Not loud enough to be heard against the noise but McCree understood. He got up from his chair, leaving Genji alone to brood over those confusing thoughts. One of the Jewish agents he didn’t know the name of announced for everyone to be silent for a moment so he could wish everyone a wonderful last night of Chanukah and ordered them to start with their meals. Besides the traditional dishes, a group of Angela’s colleagues from the medical department had organised Swiss fondue, which explained the overwhelming smell of cheese and fresh meat in the room. Genji observed the people happily chatting and putting pieces of different meats on the small spits and put them in pots with boiling fat to fry before dipping them into the fondue. He didn’t recognise how hungry he had been, his new body partially being at fault for it. It didn’t take long for McCree to return with more mulled wine and a plate of food that he brought for them to share. “Everything okay?” he asked carefully when placing the wine next to Genji’s plate before taking back his seat. The cyborg nodded vaguely, his eyes resting on the plate that was filled with various meats and bread. One of the smaller pots to fry their meat was close enough for them to have it just for themselves and Genji asked himself if McCree organised this while he had been asleep. Those little things he always did seemed so insignificant and yet they had so much impact on his life on the base and as an agent, but more importantly as a person. Genji thanked McCree with a glance that only they both could understand, then brought his attention to the food. He would have been lying if he thought of this place as comfortable, too many people being around that had their eyes on him despite trying their best to not make it obvious. The meat was delicious, even better with the molten cheese on top. Something that Genji had never tried before, he hadn’t been given the chance to try all those different kinds of European dishes before and while they were working, most of what they ate was rather quick and nutritious meals if anything. He tried to focus on the food alone and on his friend who was watching him with careful eyes, trying to figure out when there was a point between being full and being too uncomfortable to leave this place behind. He had almost forgotten about the chocolates. From what Genji understood, at Chanukah, the people exchanged gifts after those meals. He hoped for nobody to occupy McCree that much again after they were done eating, he just really wanted to leave as soon as possible but he also didn’t want to be by himself. Genji truly enjoyed the presence of the man and it had taken him a while to admit it because there was certain discomfort he had with getting attached to others. There was more of that mulled wine and more food. The alcohol was what kept him mostly in a mindset of somewhat peacefulness, making him able to soon ignore what was bothering him so much. Genji started a conversation McCree, his taciturnity slowly disappearing the more of the delicious hot drink he had but he couldn’t remember exactly about what they were talking about just an hour later. He was able to ignore the people around them for the time being, just having a good time with that one man who was bringing light back into his life. Both of them did not notice how about thirty people started looking at them, being so casual and friendly to each other. Both of them did not even care. Genji felt light and warm – the alcohol was only partially the reason. He watched his friend who kept talking about some of the past missions that Genji had been curious about, but he didn’t really listen. His focus was entirely on McCree’s voice, how comforting it was to him. Time seemed to have been flying. They both had been a little drunk when leaving the common room together and once its noise was muffled behind doors, Genji could sense the layer of subtle discomfort disappearing once they were alone. He was leaning on McCree who had an arm resting on his shoulder, walking back to their quarters. As they arrived at Genji’s room, McCree turned towards him and put both his hands on the smaller man’s shoulders. “Thank you for coming…” he said softly, a smile curling up on his lips. His brown eyes were still a little hazy from the alcohol. “I know this was probably stressful for you, but I am happy that I could spend time with you.” Genji – his face mask back on – nodded softly. The alcohol was wearing off on him but McCree still seemed to be intoxicated. “It was… good,” he commented, unsure if he should just leave. He didn’t really want to. Genji decided to wait if McCree would say anything in return but they just kept looking at each other for a while without saying anything. “… McCree?” The older man suddenly pulled him into a tight hug. A soft gasp came over Genji’s lips, muffled under his face mask to be barely audible. None of the hugs that he had received before was this close and he tensed up immediately, overwhelmed by how he could smell McCree’s scent, a mix of tobacco, spice and mulled wine. But the other didn’t let go. McCree rested his head on Genji’s shoulder, his warm cheek touching the cold metal plate that covered most of the cyborg’s face.It was… oddly comfortable to be like this. Genji could feel himself slowly relaxing into the hug and he closed his eyes. For this moment being too soothing for his tortured soul, it didn’t matter to him if they were caught like this. As McCree eventually let go of the hug, he apologised with hushed words and tried to take a step back but Genji grabbed his wrist and looked into his eyes. Stay. His friend understood and he followed him inside Genji’s room. The space was barely enough for the two of them. As the door closed behind them, McCree apologised again. “Don’t.” Genji gave him an almost too sharp look as he pushed the taller man gently into the back of the room. “I don’t want you to apologise for this.” He could see the confusion in McCree’s eyes but he chose not to explain himself, grabbing the white bag with the chocolates from his desk instead and asking him to sit down on the bedside next to them. “You make no sense,” McCree whispered with a light, confused chuckle. “And you’re drunk,” Genji replied nonchalantly, artificial hand resting on the bag. He sighed softly. Genji himself was still lightly affected by the alcohol, he could sense it by how relaxed and talkative he was. “Seems like ya got a high tolerance,” his friend mused. “But really… I overstepped your boundaries, I-“ “You didn’t,” Genji interrupted him, eyes still not meeting his. Bewildered on what to add, he opened the bag and took out the chocolates. “Here, try some,” he said and broke a piece off the pink bar. “You’re avoiding again…” McCree replied, his voice serious but he took the piece Genji offered him, observing it for a moment before looking back at him again. “Sober up first, McCree.” McCree almost dropped the chocolate at the sudden fierceness in Genji’s voice. The cyborg removed the faceplate in front of him and put it aside, then broke himself a piece of the pink chocolate as well but he was hesitant to take a bite. There was the tension again, the same one that appeared on the day they met. It wasn’t as intense – and a moment passed and they both could feel how it shifted to something else rapidly. “You…” McCree began, but the words died in his throat. They both knew what he was about to say. Genji nodded slightly. There was a smile curling up on McCree’s lips, who quickly turned his face away from him but Genji could see the tears in the corner of his eyes – the alcohol was making him even more emotional than he already was and Genji couldn’t help but find it endearing. He figured that despite all of what they had been going through together in the past months, McCree still had doubts about their friendship. And Genji removed those doubts finally from him that moment, even if it had alcohol involved to make it happen. You make no sense. McCree had said it so often. Genji made no sense because his words were conflicting with his actions – most of the time, if not always. His words had no meaning because most of his feelings weren’t genuine. They were a façade, complete lies to fool people and bend them to his will. But this was real. Genji had wondered how long it would take McCree to notice after he himself had been oblivious to it for so long. He shifted on the bed to sit more comfortably and took a bite of his chocolate. It was fruity, not too sweet and overwhelmingly good. He watched McCree take a bite as well and him making a surprised noise about its taste. They kept silent, Genji breaking more of the chocolate into pieces to share them. McCree smiled at him, one tear eventually rolling over his cheek and he excused himself which was shut down again by Genji telling him to stop, gently. “You’re drunk… and even if you weren’t, don’t apologise for your feelings,” he said with a soft tone, one that clashed with everything that he usually portrayed. “I’m just… overwhelmed,” McCree replied, his voice cracking. “This fuckin’ amazing chocolate aside, you’re… I dunno how to describe it.” Genji offered him another piece, observing his friend with careful eyes. After a moment of silence, McCree seemed to have figured it out. “Intense. You’re intense,” he said and took another bite. “And I don’t know what you think and it’s so… I dunno, I thought you’re gonna rip my head off when I hugged you but instead we’re just… we’re here.” Genji scooped a little closer to him, a little hesitant at first, but then put a hand on McCree’s arm. “I was surprised by it but… by all means, I appreciate how careful you are.” McCree shifted on the bed as well, slipping out of his shoes so he could welcome the little intimacy that Genji provided him and a moment later he found the cyborg back in his arms. He gasped at the sudden touch, hadn’t expected the sudden affection from the other. “I enjoy your presence, McCree…” Genji whispered softly. He could sense McCree’s smell again, it was soothing. It took a moment for the other to return the hug, wrapping his arms carefully around Genji’s waist. McCree found himself a second later buried in the sheets, Genji resting his head on his chest, eyes closed and breathing softly. They were lying like that on the bed together in silence. Genji could sense that McCree was shaking a little and he sought out the man’s hand with his left, still human hand to hold it, squeezing it softly. “Surreal,” McCree whispered against Genji’s hair. “You’re… surreal. I am dreamin’ this, aren’t I?” “I’m afraid not,” Genji chuckled. “You’re just drunk.” McCree hummed at that, still not convinced – or still overwhelmed, Genji wasn’t really sure about it. “Could we repeat this when I’m sober?” he asked carefully. The cyborg sighed softly, moving his head slightly so he could look up to McCree. “Just ask… when we’re alone.” Genji knew that the wine was partly responsible for him to be so casual about this but he silently thanked the alcohol to be able to enjoy it. The cravings he had for so long… “I.. thank you. Honestly, I need… some time to process,” McCree murmured. “It just feels too good.” “I’m glad,” Genji replied, resting his head on the other’s chest again. He could hear his heartbeat, how fast it was. Both of them kept silent, no words existent that could describe anything that went through both of their minds. The peacefulness and comfort they had found in each other seemed surreal for both of them, though alcohol kept them away from doubting it and let them embrace it fully. Genji shifted away from McCree eventually, afraid he was getting too heavy for him to breathe properly and be comfortable and pulled him back into a hug, now being face to face, only a few inches apart. He kept his eyes closed, though he could sense McCree having his eyes on him for a while. Genji wanted to kiss him. The moment was perfect, the comfort and warmth. McCree was everything he needed, everything he wanted. But something in the back of his mind told him not to and he agreed with this inner voice to stay in his lane, the other being still too affected by the alcohol. So he settled to just resting his forehead against McCree’s, keeping one of his hands in his own, the artificial arm wrapped lazily around his waist. He wished for this moment to never end. * It was very early in the morning when Genji woke up. His throat felt dry and he turned on the bed to grab one of the bottles under his desk when a strong arm wrapped around his waist held him back.He grunted against the restraint, tried to wiggle himself out of the embrace but McCree didn’t let go and something inside him was thrilled by it, but the hurting throat was disrupting the cosiness that the arms of the other gave him. Genji somehow managed to grab the bottle eventually, trying his best to not wake his friend up. Friend? He wasn’t so sure if the descriptor was really fitting anymore after last night. He took a few sips from the water and put the bottle back under the desk before diving back into McCree’s arms. Genji snuggled up against his chest, the buttons of his shirt had undone themselves in their sleep and he could feel some of the soft hair brushing against his cheeks. McCree shifted a bit as well and sighed in his sleep, nuzzling into Genji’s hair. The cyborg wrapped his arm around his waist again and hold him close. It was perfect, almost too perfect to be real. The memories from the night before slowly started to appear again and he could sense a certain warmth slowly making its way through his entire body, the cybernetic parts whirring softly. He rested against him, eyes closed and trying to fall back asleep when he could feel McCree’s lips on his head, placing a soft kiss onto his hair. Suddenly Genji was wide awake. “Mornin’”, McCree whispered into his hair, casually, as if the kiss just didn’t happen. Genji could feel his pulse rising, his heartbeat drastically increasing. His entire body trembled and he took in a sharp breathe to not snap, to not become the victim of his fucked up mind again that reacted to any kind of comfort he found in others with violent rage to protect him from potential danger. “Hey… hey,” McCree whispered, stroking with one hand over his back to calm him down. Genji buried his face in McCree’s chest. “Sorry,” he said, barely audible. He was still shaking, but the careful touch was slowly making him able to relax. “’s okay, darlin’,” McCree replied. Darling. Genji’s heart was about to burst. The mix of comfort and rage flaring up in him was unbearable and he held on tighter on McCree, he was so tired of his brain being like this. He just wanted to enjoy being like this with someone, was that too much to ask? As fast as the hot anger had come upon him, it disappeared just a moment later and Genji could hear himself panting softly, eyes pressed shut. “No, really. Sorry for me being so fucked up,” he almost cried. Without being intoxicated, everything was a threat to him again. He wasn’t sad. He was just tired. Tired because McCree had proven to him more than once that his distrustfulness was out of place with him. “Genji… You know that I don’t mind. It is just how you are… no matter how ‘weird’, ‘fucked up’ or ‘inappropriate’ you may describe yourself… I like you the way you are,” McCree whispered into his hair and kissed it once more. Genji flinched at the touch, but he forced the screaming voice out of his mind, propped himself up on the bed to lean over McCree, to look at him and his beautiful face. The man under him gasped at the sudden movement, at the powerful, intimidating aura that surrounded Genji in the darkness of the room. As if time had stopped. Genji kissed him. McCree’s lips were rough but tasted sweet. He locked their lips onto each other, both of their bodies trembling lightly at the sudden, so intimate touch. McCree returned the kiss, one hand shyly finding their way into Genji’s hair and playing with it as he invited him to deepen the kiss until they were both out of breath. As they broke away, Genji opened his eyes and saw McCree’s face under him, the man’s cheeks were burning, his expression a mix of confused and pleased. “Wow,” was the only thing he brought over his lips. The comment left the cyborg a little irritated and he looked away, still having to fight the screaming in his head. But he would get what he wanted, no matter what his psyche was trying to convince him of what was right and wrong. Genji knew this was right. His thought process was interrupted by McCree’s hand on his cheek, which seemed awfully cold. It made him realise that his own face was burning, but the feeling hadn’t reached him. “Genji…” he whispered. He looked back at McCree, who propped himself up on the bed as well, then pulled him closer again to kiss him too. The kiss was gentle, yet really hot. Genji closed his eyes after being caught off guard by it at first and relaxed into the kiss, deepening it almost too hungrily, pushing his tongue against McCree’s lips who only invited him to indulge into Genji’s eagerness. The cyborg suddenly found himself on his back, pressed into the sheets by the man he longed for so much. McCree kissed his forehead, nose and cheeks, his beard tickling his skin. He wandered back to Genji’s lips, who tugged now with both his hands on the half-opened shirt the other was wearing, kind of begging him to take it off. “Hey now,” McCree whispered against the younger man’s lips. “Let’s not rush things, okay?” Genji hadn’t even realised that he was indeed aroused by all those hot kisses they had shared and he nodded, playing it as if he was a little embarrassed but if he was honest to himself and now made aware of it, he wouldn’t have been against being fucked into the sheets by McCree right away. “Sorry,” he chuckled and placed a kiss on the man’s cheek. He didn’t know if McCree actually believed his words. None of the things he said ever made any sense anyway. It was kind of hot though, how he never got his way with him and it didn’t help his situation, being locked under him sitting on his legs and giving him that smug look. Genji was just intrigued and hungry for more. “I know you’re not being serious, but apology accepted,” McCree answered and gave him a fleeting kiss on the lips. “Damn you.” Genji actually had to laugh out loud at him reading him so well. “Adrenaline junky, oblivious to danger or completely uncaring of it, touch-starved and horny as fuck as well? You’re living on the edge, Genji,” he chided with a playful, absolutely not serious tone. Then he got off of him, pulling him upright and found his way to Genji’s lips once more. Genji resisted the urge to deepen the kiss too much. It was hard to fight against his arousal and how hot McCree was, it was absolutely not helping. He was playing with the buttons of the other’s shirt again, this time silently allowed to open it fully. Genji opened his eyes, looking at McCree’s face, then let his gaze wander to his chest. He was scarred. Not as much as Genji, and differently. Bullet wounds here and there, stab wounds. Surgery scars just underneath his chest. He licked his lips but then was immediately distracted again from staring by McCree kissing him again. “You’re not getting more than that for now, sorry,” he mused against his lips. “Fine,” Genji replied and smiled into the kiss following. McCree was right, rushing things would be especially bad for someone like him, who completely lacked any impulse control. He decided to just enjoy the moment, the closeness and safety he found in McCree’s affection. Genji kissed the other’s forehead and then let go of him, just to look at him. He was so attractive. Genji had never thought much about the type he had, he couldn’t really tell because all of his relationships in the past had been messes that derailed into him losing interest far too quickly, focused too much on sex because he could not get invested into someone emotionally. But this now with McCree, it was different. It wasn’t something that sparked out of a few drinks at a party without barely knowing each other first. They had been working together now for around six months and despite that not being a lot of time for men their age, they went through so much together. It only had tightened their bond and McCree never giving up on Genji, no matter how hostile his words had been and Genji learning to work with him, perfecting his abilities to match those of his partner and eventually being able to protect him just in time from devastating enemy fire – it formed a strong friendship. A bond of mutual trust.A friendship, trust that Genji had never experienced before and he wasn’t so sure if this was even friendship anymore. This was much more. But his crippled feelings made him question the reality of it. How a person like him could fit into such a dynamic. McCree noticed that something was going on but he seemed to either ignore it or to let Genji speak for himself if he wanted to. Instead, he cupped his face with both his hands. “You’re difficult and confusing but… I think I have never fallen so deeply for someone,” he whispered with a smile on his lips. “Like… I don’t ever want to miss you. I don’t want anyone else by my side but you.” Those words were warm. Genji could just stare at him. Hesitant to wrap his hand around McCree’s wrist because he wasn’t sure how to reply. He realised that, while his body reacted to all the love that he was given by him, he didn’t actually feel anything. It was irritating because he normally didn’t give any thought to his lack of emotion but McCree made him question it all the time by now. How broken he was. “Tell me… tell me, how does it feel?” he asked carefully. Genji realised that he sounded cold. “What?” McCree raised an eyebrow, the question catching him off-guard. “How does it feel to be in love?” They both fell silent. McCree removed his hands from Genji’s face, wandering with them to his shoulders. He sighed, looking away for a moment and then back to him. “It’s like when you are with the person you love, you feel warm. Everything is perfect, you are comfortable and happy. As if the sun was shining but the sun is them. They warm your heart and soul. You feel protected and light as if you were walking on clouds around them. Their touch is like a spark going through your entire body, their voice is the sweetest tone you ever heard in your life. Kissing them is like a dream becoming reality… and yes, this is how I feel about you. You’re… overwhelming, in the best way possible.” McCree smiled at him, then took Genji’s left hand in his and placed a kiss on it. But he could see how the other seemed unmoved. Genji bit his lip because he knew that he made McCree uncomfortable like this and he was about to apologise again but chose not to. It wouldn’t help. “I know that I just… want you around,” he started to explain himself, without looking at him directly. “Like… I enjoy your presence. I enjoy to work with you and… I want you like this. Kissing you is amazing and I want to lose myself in it but… I don’t feel something like that… But not because I don’t want to return it, you know?” He realised how awkward he made the entire situation, how he was completely derailing McCree’s confession into something dark. The self-awareness was appalling. McCree sighed, readjusted himself on the bed and Genji did the same. The man was still keeping his hand in his and squeezed it lightly. “Honestly, I had a small crush on you for a while now but I didn’t act on it because I didn’t want to risk our friendship. And I never expected you to return my feelings because I know you are… different. But I never judged you for it and I ain’t gonna start judgin’ you now. I fell in love with you because you are you. With or without feelings. And even if it’s just a little that you feel or nothing at all, it’s okay,” he said firmly but Genji could sense that there was something off about the things he said. That McCree was… hurt by it, no matter how toughly he reacted. He put his cybernetic hand on top of McCree’s that was holding his other one and looked him in the eyes. “Please don’t hurt yourself. We shouldn’t be doing this if it’s going to destroy you eventually,” he said with concern. McCree let out a short, dry laugh. “Am already in too deep, ‘s alright,” he replied and gave him a weak smile. “I know that we both want to be together, don’t we?” Genji looked at him, in disbelief. But he nodded eventually. “Not… not in the face of others, but… I want to be with you like this, too,” he confirmed. They sat there on the bed in silence again. Genji removed his hands from McCree’s grip and crossed his legs, resting his chin on one hand and staring at a point in the darkness of his room. “My words may not mean anything… but actions do. All of them,” he said after a while. McCree looked at, he could feel his eyes resting on him. Genji scooped closer to him, wrapping his free arm loosely around McCree’s broad shoulders. “I don’t know if you noticed it or if you chose to never ask me about it but-“ He hesitated. “Every time we were on missions, I did my best to protect and enable you. I cannot count how many of our enemies I have killed that could have harmed you. Of course, I know that injuries or even death cannot be avoided on those missions… but I disobeyed a lot of Reyes’ orders to support you. And even when we were off duty and just here on base… I might have been irritating as fuck with my words, but the things I did, I wanted to show you that I enjoy you. Secretly wished that you would understand because my head didn’t let me tell you any other way. McCree, you were… you were saving me. Reyes assigning you to me was literally saving me from going fucking insane here. And I got… attached. I was ignorant of it for a long time but now I just can’t help it. I need you and I want you.” Genji didn’t notice how those words spilt out of him, how his voice started to sound desperate. He was close to McCree’s face again, he wanted to kiss him, push him back into the sheets and just devour him, completely lose himself in the only man on this damned planet that he cared about. But it didn’t happen. “When will you actually drop the McCree and call me Jesse?” McCree asked, nudging his sides. He was smiling and there were tears in his eyes again like the night before, tears of happiness. “Are you not… not confused or upset or… hey, I don’t understand-,“ Genji replied, totally confused by him changing the topic entirely. “I am not,” McCree replied softly. His voice was so warm. “I am actually really happy to know that I read it correctly. That… you love me in your own way.” “McCree-“ “It’s Jesse. Call me Jesse, please.” “Jesse.” The name felt nice on his lips. Genji wanted to say it again, it was… weird not calling him by his first name, even though he knew that in English it was totally fine to call people with their first name. He was so used to saying McCree. McCree – Jesse – pulled him back into his embrace and placed a kiss on his cheek. “I love you, Genji,” he whispered into his ear. “And hearing you say my name is the sweetest thing I ever heard.” Genji couldn’t help but laugh at the comment, which earned him a knock on his head. He laughed even more, then fell back into his arms and kissed Jesse gently on the lips. Now he remembered why Jesse felt so comfortable. A song that he listened to when he was younger played in his head, the lyrics coming to him so vividly that it felt like it was playing right now in his room. It was a song that was comforting Genji, from an anime he got invested with as a young adult, shortly after his father had died. The anime had kept him afloat while everything around him was falling apart, the abuse he suffered from the Shimada clan growing worse and Hanzo growing distant from him, being drawn even deeper into the clan business. The song reminded him of Jesse. How the lyrics fit perfectly onto how Genji thought of him for a while now. How Jesse was a person who could comfort him now when everything else was absolute shit. “There’s this song,” he began. “I just remembered it. It reminds me of you, it was even in English.” Jesse tilted his head a bit, curling his lips. “Tell me about it,” he asked. Genji hummed the melody for a bit, figuring out if he got the tone and lyrics right. Jesse didn’t seem to know it, maybe because it was a song from the last century, far too old for both of them. Oddly enough, Genji’s taste in music was a wild spectrum of everything. Whatever could inspire him because music was very distracting. “Come stand a little bit closerBreathe in and get a bit higher You’ll never know what hit you when I get to you Ooh I want you, I don’t know if I need you butOoh I’d die to find outOoh I want you, I don’t know if I need you butOoh I’d die to find out” He didn’t care if he got the tone right, just the lyrics alone were explanation enough of why it fit so well. “Oh,” Jesse made. They both chuckled. “It really fits,” he added shortly after. “Kind of old the song, ain’t it tho?” “Doesn’t matter if the music is great, don’t you agree?” Genji replied with a smile. Apparently, Jesse seemed to have heard it before. Jesse nodded to that. “Where did you pick it up though? Like, you don’t seem to be the person to dig in such old stuff at all… like, Morrison teases me all the time about my own hobbies which are also kinda… old.” “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Jesse,” Genji hummed and pecked his lips. “Oh damn you, don’t make me even more curious than I already am,” Jesse complained with a laugh. “Dare to find out?” Genji teased him, gently pushing him back onto the bed. “Maybe later,” Jesse replied and kissed him back. “Am still kinda tired from last night. How late is it even?” Genji hadn’t bothered to look at the alarm next to his bed and he turned around to check. “5:23 a.m.” “Hell no. I want to sleep a bit more before we’re gonna help Ana,” he yawned and wrapped his arms around Genji’s waist again. “I thought you didn’t want to go,” Genji replied as he turned back to his friend. Boyfriend, actually. “Changed my mind,” Jesse mumbled into his shoulder. “You being the reason.” He couldn’t help but smile at that. “Sure then… It would’ve been not even half as interesting if you weren’t there with me,” he whispered. “Love.” “Te amo,” Jesse whispered back, half-lidded eyes resting on Genji’s face. 「俺もあなたが大好きだよ」he hummed against Jesse’s lips, kissing him softly. Neither of them could really fall asleep, too occupied with being affectionate with each other. There was so much need for the other, it was too comforting to feel the kisses and light touches. Genji realised how overwhelmingly good it felt to be open about how he cared for Jesse, how important he was to him. And being assured that, no matter how different he was and how little he actually could experience on the emotional spectrum, the fact that Jesse loved him regardless, believed that the way Genji felt, even if it was all cognitive, was real – it gave Genji some sense of humanity again. That his cyborg body was not exposing him as a monster. Jesse did not reject him. Jesse saw him as fully human. Different, but someone worthy of love. * They both agreed to keep their relationship behind closed doors. It was no one’s business after all, but Genji secretly found himself thinking about how thrilling it would be to kiss Jesse in front of all those people who despised him yet loved Jesse. The two were polar opposites. Jesse was hyper-emotional and empathetic. Genji completely lacked empathy and most of his feelings were only the surface level of the actual thing, yet they were perfectly compatible. Commander Reyes noticed how their performance improved drastically on their next mission. When he asked, Genji and Jesse just looked at each other, then shrugged it off. “We just practised a lot more with Captain Amari,” Genji commented. They both understood that it was a complete lie. A good one though.