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When she came to, Mindy was sitting in a rather uncomfortable chair in the pitch dark, but she couldn’t seem to move her body.An eerie voice sounded out of the darkness. “And now, the six merry murderers of the Bad Place Jail, in their rendition of the Hell Block Tango.”Music started to play, seemingly out of nowhere, but was quickly replaced by a soft percussion.
Click-click click click
Click-click click click...
A second voice spoke.“Boots.” Then another, this time female.“Chicks.” “Sting,” said yet another voice. This continued, the random words all spoken by different voices.“Uh-uh,” another declared, seeming confused. “The Palace.” “Demons.” “Boots.” “Chicks.” “Sting.” “Uh-uh.” “The Palace.” “Demons.”They sped up, the words coming in rapid succession. Then a spotlight slowly lit the area in front of Mindy, so she could see the silhouettes of six people. More music began to play as the people repeated their words. Mindy was beginning to think that this tune seemed familiar but she couldn’t quite place it. “Boots!” “Chicks!” “Sting!” “Uh-uh!” “The Palace!” “Demons!” Suddenly, they all began to sing, and Mindy remembered where she had heard this song before. “They had it coming!
They had it coming!
They only had themselves to blame!
If you’d have been there,
If you’d have seen it,
I betcha you would have done the same!”It’s that fucking musical I went to see in the ‘70s, she thought.The spotlight fell on one of the people in the chairs. Mindy could actually see his face now. To her surprise, it was Chidi, sporting his usual sweater vest ensemble but in all black, sitting with his elbows on his knees.
What kind of fucking fever dream...
“You know how people have these little habits that get you down?” He began, the other five whisper-singing the chorus behind him. “Like Henry. Henry liked to talk about his shoes. No, not his shoes. His boots. So I come into his office this one day, and I’m in quite the moral quandary and looking for a little sympathy. And there’s Henry, sitting at his desk, grading his papers. And as soon as he sees me he starts blabbering on about his shoes. No, his boots. So I said to him, I said, ‘Henry, you talk about those boots one more time.’”He chuckled dryly, the music and voices going silent. “And he did. So I took the antique shotgun off of his wall and I fired two warning shots... into his HEAD!”They all broke into song again.“He had it coming!
He had it coming!
He only had himself to blame!
If you’d have been there,
If you’d have heard it,
I betcha you would have done the same!”Next was what Mindy thought was a Bad Janet until she realized that this was just a non-smiling Janet clad in leather. It was kind of terrifying, seeing the usually pleasant entity completely stoic. Janet stepped forward and began speaking.“I met Jason Mendoza from Jacksonville about 800 reboots ago, and he was single, and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd wander off, he'd come home, I'd summon him a drink, I’d watch him have dinner. It was like heaven in a boundless void. And then I found out. “A ‘chick,’ he’d been calling me. ‘Chick’, my ass! Not only was he calling me a chick, oh no, he was calling me a robot!” She clenched her fists. “One of those dumbasses, you know,” Janet said, deadly calm once again. “So that night when he came home from wandering around, I summoned his drink as usual.” Janet giggled. “You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.” The music kicked back in again, and everybody sang once again. “He had it coming!
He had it coming!
He took a flower in its prime!
And then he used it!
And he abused it!
It was a murder but not a crime!”Janet receded into the shadows, and the spotlight followed a tall man in a black suit dragging his chair forward. He sat in it, crossing one leg on top. “Now I’m standing in the architect’s office," said Michael, "drawing up my latest torture plan, minding my own business, when in storms my partner Val in a jealous rage. 'YOU'VE BEEN SCREWING SHAWN!' she says. She was crazy, and she kept on screaming. 'YOU'VE BEEN SCREWING SHAWN!'"Everything went silent. "And then," Michael laughed," she ran into my bees with teeth! She ran into my bees with teeth TEN TIMES!"“If you’d have been there,
If you’d have seen it,
I betcha you would have done the same!” they all sang as the light faded and repositioned itself onto Jason in a tight black t-shirt. He slumped in his seat, looking sad.“I don’t really know why I’m here. Everybody’s saying that I murdered Janet, but I didn’t! Actually, I’m pretty sure that she murdered me. I walked to press that big red button and then Chidi dove in front of me and Janet fell on the ground. And jail isn’t as fun without Bloodhound from my 60 person dance crew back in Jacksonville. Nobody wants to dance with me here.” “Yeah, but did you do it?” Michael asked lazily. Jason’s response was simply delivered with a shrug. “Uh-uh, dawg. Not guilty.” “He had it coming...”The shadows descended once again and the light came to rest on Tahani, wearing an elegant black gown that hugged her figure before spilling out over the floor around the chair she sat on. Mindy thought that the dress was actually kind of hot, and made a mental note to remember it. “My sister Kamilah and I had these charity auctions, and my husband Larry Hemsworth used to travel around with us.” Tahani was leaned back in her chair, legs crossed. “Now for our last few lots, we had these figures of acrobats, doing splits, spread eagles, backflips, flip flops, one selling right after the other. Now this one night, we were staying at The Palace, where my good friend Queen Elizabeth II had graciously offered to put us up for the night. The three of us were drinking some champagne, having a few laughs, when we ran out of hors d’oeuvres. So I went out to find a maid to fetch us some. And I come back, and I open the door. And there’s Kamilah and Larry, imitating lot number seventeen: the spread eagle.” A drum sounded and everything else fell silent as Tahani took a breath. “Why, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out. I can’t remember a thing. It wasn’t until later, when I was washing the blood off of my hands that I even knew they were dead! “They had it coming!” she sang with a vengeance, “They had it coming!
They had it coming all along!
I didn’t do it,
But if I’d done it,
How could you tell me that I was wrong?” “They had it coming,” she sang, now backed up by the chorus.
“They had it coming (they had it coming)!
They had it coming all along (they took a flower in its prime)!
I didn’t do it (and then they used it),
But if I’d done it (and they abused it),
How could you tell me that I was wrong? (it was a murder, but not a crime)”As the singing died down, the spotlight fell on the final figure: Eleanor. In true Chicago fashion, she was wearing sky-high black stilettos, fishnet tights, and lingerie. “I loved Trevor more than I can possibly say. He was a straight-up hottie, surprisingly sensitive, and an artist of torture. But he was troubled, always trying to find himself. He’d go out every night trying to find himself. And along the way, he found Vicky, Gail, Nina...” She paused, her lip curling with contempt. “And Todd.” She smirked. “I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive, but I saw him retired!”“The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!The dirty bum, bum, bun, bum, bum!”The six began to sing again as they rose from their chairs. “They had it coming! (they had it coming!)
They had it coming! (they had it coming!)
They had it coming all along! (they had it coming all along!)
’Cause if they used us, ('cause if they used us)
And they abused us, (and they abused us)
How could you tell us that we were wrong?” They whirled around each other while they sang, striking pose after pose in rapid succession before weaving in and out of the chairs.“He had it coming! (he had it coming!)
He had it coming! (he had it coming!)
He only had himself to blame! (he only had himself to blame!)
If you’d have been there, (if you’d have been there,)
If you’d have seen it, (if you’d have seen it,)
I betcha you would have done the same!"“You talk about those boots one more time,” Chidi threatened.“Chick, my ass!” Janet scoffed. “TEN TIMES!” Michael shouted. "Nobody wants to dance with me here," Jason sighed.“Lot seventeen, the spread eagle,” Tahani scowled. “Artistic differences,” Eleanor quipped. “I betcha you would have done... the same!” They all sang the final line in unison.The music cut out with one last flourish as she shot upright in bed, heart pounding.Goddamn, Mindy thought, maybe I need to stop with the bedtime cocaine. Then she realized what a completely ridiculous idea that was and passed out again. Here is a link to the picture this fic was based on.