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Her lightsaber was broken. Even looking at the charred remains, Rey wondered how it was possible to put it back together, or salvage parts from it. In Unkar’s words, this salvaged and charred lightsaber wasn’t even worth a quarter portion, really. It was useless. Just another reminder of her failure with Ben...with Kylo. There was too much Kylo in him. That was the problem. “Mind if I join you?”Finn’s voice, reassuring and deep. Calming. Rey looked up at him, feeling a surety that she hadn’t felt in quite a while. “Not at all. What were you doing?””Poe was teaching me how to play sabaac,” Finn said. A smile. “Pretty fun, actually. You’re missing out.””I’ve been training. Considering Luke’s gone...” Despite what Luke had done, Rey couldn’t help but feel a stab of regret that her last words to him had been basically that Ben, not Luke, was their last hope. “Yeah. I know. Rey,” Finn said gently, looking over the ruined saber, “You never really told me what happened.”Rey took a deep breath. “I was stupid, that’s what.””I doubt you were.” Finn placed a hand gently over hers, and Rey couldn’t deny that her heart started beating faster at the touch. “It’s...” And Rey told him. Told him about the Force Bond. Her voice shook a little bit, halted even as she tried finding the right words, but judging by Finn’s reaction, he wasn’t angry but instead, attentive, surprised. “And after I found out what Luke did, or tried to do...” Rey paused. Finn furrowed his brow. “What do you mean, what Luke tried to do?””He had his lightsaber ignited over his bed. He wanted to kill him...before he’d even done anything. Luke confirmed it. He tried explaining himself, but...oh stars, Finn. I still can’t believe he nearly did it.”Finn actually looked like an airlock had opened in his stomach. “Luke...confirmed it?””Yes.””So all this, all of it, is on him,” Finn said. “I don’t know. I don’t know if...if Luke tried to help him it would have gone differently. I really don’t.” Rey took a deep breath. “I felt everything in his head. He was so alone, Finn, and I knew what it was like being lonely. Ever since I was a little girl.”Finn paused. “You had good intentions. I don’t...agree with all of them, but I can see you had good intentions. And it’s not your fault. He chose this life.” A beat. “I bet he’s happy with it. Have you heard from him at all?””No. And it’s better off that way.” Rey hated saying it, but it was the truth. In the end, Kylo had won, not Ben. She could mourn for what could have been, but she couldn’t save him. They sat in silence for a while, Rey admiring Finn’s full lips, his expressive dark eyes. Then, “Finn...you’re probably wondering, after...Kylo, if I ever thought of you at all.””It doesn’t matter, but did you?””With all my heart. Did you?””Rey,” Finn said, and his voice was rough with emotion, “I would have crossed galaxies to make sure you were okay. And I mean every word.”Rey smiled faintly. She knew, she always knew, the moment she had seen Poe in the vision of Kylo’s future (was even that a lie? A construction of Snoke’s?) that his place was with Poe. Assuming that things could ever be all right again. “I would have too. Do you know how I won in the forest? I thought of what he did to you, and I got angry. I’m not proud of the anger, but I don’t regret defending you.””Neither do I,” Finn said. They were close enough, really, close enough to kiss. Rey hesitated. What about the girl? What if she hurt her feelings just by doing that? "Finn...” she began. “Should we do this?””We’ll find a way to tell Rose,” Finn said. “I don’t look forward to breaking her heart, but...””We’ll find a solution. Don’t worry.”They sat together, and Rey felt a certain peace she hadn’t felt since she’d left Ach-To behind.
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Saying that Rey was tired the next morning was putting it mildly. Staying up late with Finn had been comforting, but at the same time, they had stayed up quite late. And it hadn’t helped that she had felt the faintest tug — not like the strange, almost buffering sound that suggested that she and Kylo were about to meet through their bond, but the faintest sharing of emotions, the faintest leak of it.
“What is it?” Finn said.
Rey was quiet for a while. “It’s him,” she said. “He’s built the new mask.”
”What’s the purpose? It’s not like we don’t know who he is now.”
Rey shook her head. “Not all of us, I don’t think.”
”Poe does.”
Rey felt a sudden pang of sorrow for him. She had seen him, in Kylo’s visions when he’d pushed him out of her mind. Seen him over their bond when they had touched hands. “He knows?”
”Yeah. On Crait...he recognized him somehow. Why, do you know?”
Rey bit her lip. “Kylo loved him once,” she said.
Finn snorted. “I can’t imagine that sociopath having any love left in his body.”
”Ben Solo did.” Rey sighed as she spoke. “I guess we better not ask Poe about it unless he wants to talk.”
Finn nodded. “Good idea as any.” A beat. “Did you sense anything else?”
Rey nodded. “Becoming Supreme Leader hasn’t brought him closure.”
”No stang."
”I can pity him,” Rey said. “I can’t agree with him though, or forgive him.”
”I...guess I can see that.” A pause. “Rey...are you all right? I mean, I can stay or leave or...”
”Stay,” Rey said.
And falling asleep on his slight shoulder, Rey couldn’t say she minded at all.
“How are you feeling?” Finn said. Rey yawned. “Tired. I think staying up late took a lot out of me.”Finn grinned sympathetically. “Same. It was worth it, though, making sure you were okay.””And it was worth talking to you.”They dressed, and Rey could swear that even as she exited, dressed in dark blues, Finn was staring at her — but not in a way she would say she disliked. Instead, it was a sort of impressed look, like the clothes suited her. “You look...nice,” Finn said. A pause. “Not to pry, but is there a reason that your hair’s different?””You don’t like it?””No, it looks nice. I was just wondering.”Rey paused. “When I was on the Supremacy, Kylo...told me the truth about my parents. Or rather, he had me admit it. That they were...drunks who didn’t care about me. They even sold me off to get credits for their next drink.””He could have been lying.””I wish he was. But I just knew...” Rey sighed. “Kylo’s not the lying type. And I had snippets of memory; I must have just blocked it all out because the truth hurt too much. But the ship...” She remembered the ship in her vision blasting away. “I know both versions are true. I feel like there’s a missing piece.””I guess we won’t know until we do some searching,” Finn said. “He wanted to hurt me. Kylo. He thought Luke had chosen me while throwing him away like garbage. That was why he brought up my parents.””That disgusting, sociopathic beast...”Rey nodded. “I suppose.””You’re worth so much more of him. You’re stronger, kinder, more talented, and generally a better person than he could ever hope to be. And the fact you rose above your parents where he had everything and still fell makes you even more of a hero.”Rey swallowed. “Thank you, Finn.””We’re survivors, both of us.””Yeah,” Rey said. “Survivors.” And even that was enough to give her a sort of resolve she hadn’t even felt back on the Supremacy. They sat at the table of the main hold, and sat together. Even as they did, as General Organa announced they had reached Bespin, Rey could swear that the girl, Rose, was already casting sad looks their way, like she was wishing that she could be in Rey’s place.***They had special rooms to themselves on Bespin. It was outside Rey and Finn’s room that they spoke with Rose. Finn did most of the talking.”Rose, I...” Finn took a deep breath. “I know this is the last thing you want to hear. Believe me, I hate saying this too. You’ve got a lot of wonderful qualities, Rose, but I don’t think we...fit.”Rose’s eyes went soft and her lips parted in shock. “Fit?” she said.Finn continued. “I know you have feelings for me,” he said.”Of course I do!” Rose said indignantly. “Why do you think I fell in love with you? You’re a good man.”Rey bit her lip. Already, she was feeling sorry for Rose. To say the situation was uncomfortable was putting it mildly. You couldn’t fall in love with a man you only knew for weeks, and yet...was Rey any different with Finn?Rose continued. “What do you see in her anyway?”Even knowing Rose was hurt didn’t stop the bristling feeling Rey felt. Finn said, “She’s a wonderful, brave, kind woman and I love her.”Love. Rey supposed she should have known. She just never expected Finn to say it out loud.Rose’s eyes looked positively wounded. Then, she said more bitterly, “I should have known all along.” “I’m sorry, Rose — ””I need some time.” Rose walked away, and Rey couldn’t help but feel a tug of sympathy for her.Finn sighed. “Well, I really kriffed up this time,” he said.”You did.” Rey said. “The truth is, Finn...I feel the same way about you. The moment I met you I adored you.”Finn nodded. “I just hope Rose...will be all right,” he said.”I do too.” It wasn’t how Rey pictured confessing to Finn. Not with another girl getting hurt. Maybe in the morning she could talk to Rose and apologize for springing it on her in such a way.They entered their room. It was beautiful, Rey would say that. Suite-like. She sat on the bed. “I guess,” she said, “This is our first time sharing a bed.”Finn nodded.They changed into pajamas, and climbed into bed together. Rey couldn’t say she was used to having company in her bed, if she was to be perfectly honest. Even as she snuggled up next to Finn, she was a mixture of emotions. Happy but not quite. If she’d been in Rose’s place, it would have been a guarantee that she would have reacted the same way. “Maybe tomorrow we could apologize,” Rey said.Finn nodded. “Tomorrow then.”They drifted off to sleep, Rey finding company in someone in sleep for the first time since Jakku.
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“What. The. Hell. Is wrong with you two?”To say that Kaydel Ko Connix was furious would be like saying that Jakku could get hot at times. Rey flinched even as the blond lieutenant glared at them, practically shooting daggers at them both.”We didn’t mean it — ” Finn began.Kaydel snorted. “Right. You didn’t mean it. Do you have any idea how kriffing distraught she was? I actually had to distract her last night thanks to your love triangle bantha dung!”“Love triangle?” Rey said. “Finn was just trying to turn her down gently!””Gently, my cargo hold. I don’t know what you said to Rose, but I swear to — ””It’s all right, Kay.” Rose emerged from her room at the moment, and Rey sighed in relief seeing that the black-haired young woman seemed better than she was before. “Really.”The silence between them could not have been more awkward, really.”Hey,” Finn said.”Hey,” Rose said.”Well,” Kaydel said, “Anything you insensitive morons have to say for yourselves?”Rey swallowed. In any other circumstances, she would have snapped back at Kaydel, but she and Finn had made a terrible mistake.”We should have been less harsh about it,” Rey said. “I’m sorry, Rose.”Rose nodded. “I still need time,” she said, “But I do appreciate the effort. I suppose I was jealous.””And I kriffed up,” Finn said. “Rose...you are a good person and a very good friend. You’re brave, compassionate, selfless, and it’s an honor to have worked with you.”Rose smiled faintly. “You too. I guess...the truth is I was jealous. And I suppose I judged Rey without knowing her. You did save us at Crait, Rey. I admire that.”“You do.” Rey supposed that she still had to get used to that. In her mind, she could still hear what Kylo said just to hurt her. You have no place in this story. You come from nothing, you’re nothing. Even his addition “but not to me” hadn’t softened the blow. Rose furrowed her brow. “You don’t seem convinced.””No, I believe you. I’m just not used to people thinking I’m...somebody.””Who says you’re not somebody?” Finn said.Rey paused. How exactly did she put how Kylo had called her nothing, how Luke had explicitly asked what was special about her that the Resistance sent her, like somehow she needed to be taken down a few pegs? Finally, she said, “There were two.””Then they’re wrong.” Finn said.Rey bit her lip. Then, “I think I’m going to talk about it with Finn, really. Can you...excuse us both for a moment?”Rose nodded. “I understand.”Rey could have sworn that she heard Rose and Kaydel talking as they walked away. “I hope she’ll be okay,” Finn said.”I hope so too,” Rey said.They sat on the bed in their room, and Rey said, “The truth is, Finn, it was Luke and Kylo who believed I was nothing.”Finn grimaced. “Like uncle, like nephew, I guess.”“It’s not like that — ””They both treated you badly,” Finn said.”I know.” Rey took a deep breath. “Kylo loved bringing up the fact that my parents abandoned me. ‘Your parents threw you away like garbage,’ he said. And that...” Her voice cracked. “Even after they did that I couldn’t stop needing them. And he was right, in a way.””How cruel,” Finn said. “It wasn’t your fault.”Rey smiled bitterly. “I guess he just wanted to make me hurt like he was hurting.””What could he have to hurt about?” Finn said. “At least he had parents who loved him...before he destroyed his family, that is.””I wish I knew. But Luke...the moment I got to Ach-To, he hated me. Even when I said the Resistance sent me to find him, he asked what was special about me.” Rey sighed. “I didn’t even think I was special. I thought I could help.””You’re more special than you know,” Finn said. “Luke and Kylo are just sad, pathetic men who felt they needed to put down a woman trying to help them to make themselves feel better.” A beat. “And I think I just insulted men by saying that.””Finn — ””You didn’t deserve to be treated so horribly on Ach-To. You deserved more than both of them could ever offer. And that’s a fact.””They were broken.””Doesn’t give them a free pass to treat an innocent woman like that. Let alone a woman trying to help them. I have trauma, Poe has trauma. Doesn’t mean we take it out on the galaxy and push away people trying to help us.””You overvalidate me.””Imagine if they were treating someone you cared for like that.”Rey paused. If they had treated Finn like that, she wouldn’t have tolerated it. Not one bit. After a while, she nodded. “I just hate hearing you start to believe what they say.””I know,” Rey said. “I guess I’m starting to realize they were wrong.”They sat together a while, and Rey couldn’t help but admire the shape and shade of Finn’s lips. And his eyes. She could practically drown in those eyes, and stars willing she wanted to drown. “Maybe we could just take it slow...” she said.”Slow sounds good.”They leaned in, and Rey closed her eyes. Finn’s kiss was tentative and careful, like he was seeing how much further he could go. It was fitting; Rey had never kissed anyone before, and so in the end, it worked. She deepened it experimentally, and when Finn responded by deepening back, she knew she had done something right. His fingers caressed and ran through her hair, and Rey couldn’t help but moan into Finn’s mouth. It was like they fit perfectly, like they were right where they needed to be. She cupped his cheek, feeling like a fire had ignited in her chest, and they kissed back harder, more passionately.It was the bell ringing that brought them out of their kissing session. Finn’s eyes were wide, dilated, almost reverent as he looked at her, only to look over at the ringing bell in exasperation. “Talk about bad timing...””I’ll get it.” Rey was aware, now, of what a mess she no doubt looked from their session. It was at the door she saw Aaron, who said, “Dinner’s ready.” Then, “What were you doing in there?””None of your business, that’s what,” Rey said.Aaron shrugged. “Okay then.”***It was after dinner that Rey and Finn had the bedroom to themselves, and Finn spoke. “You wanna...pick up where we left off?”Rey nodded. She wasn’t going to deny that what exactly the kiss had ignited in her truly, deeply felt good. She’d wanted to go further, but was it too soon? That and she didn’t know how she felt about sticking things in holes.”I want to go further,” she said, “But...I want to make sure you’re comfortable with it too.”Finn nodded. “I’m more than ready.”They kissed again, harder this time, more feeling, and Finn broke away occasionally to ask her if she was all right with this, if she liked this. Rey found herself saying yes, yes she did like this, she was burning for this. Clothes fell away, and for the first time, they were in their underwear together. Finn was practically a vision in his underwear, smooth umber brown skin and a slender yet strong frame. He was beautiful, and Rey swore that a fire had erupted in her belly.”You’re beautiful,” Finn said.Rey swallowed. She didn’t feel beautiful, with her sharp angles and whatnot, but Finn made her so. “So are you.”Underwear fell away, and they were completely naked together. Finn sat near her, placed a kiss to one of her petite breasts, and Rey didn’t know that her breast could be so sensitive, right there. Finn kissed and sucked at her breasts, carefully watching for how much Rey was all right with it, and Rey trusted him. This was Finn. Finn would never hurt her. He loved her, and she loved him. Even as he kissed down the flat expanse of her belly, playfully licking over the muscles, Rey gasped, bucked her hips, spreading her legs further and feeling how wet she was getting, how slick.”Touch me, please...” she said, and Finn did, and oh Ri’ia, it felt perfect. Finn touched her, his fingers stroking her clit in a circular motion, and Rey moaned. She reached through the Force, wondering if anyone was noticing. No one was noticing, thank the stars. Then, “Is it too much?””You sound beautiful,” Finn said. “Lie down.”Rey did, and Finn said, “How are you feeling?””Good. Too good...””You need more?””Please, Finn...”Finn obliged. When Rey requested he finger her, fill her up, Finn did it, and Rey could feel just how full she was, how stuffed, just from how his fingers felt. The stimulation to her clit, the feeling of Finn’s fingers inside her...A warmth filled her belly, rolling inside her like a wave preparing to crash on the shores of Ach-To. She whimpered, trembled, and her whole body shook even as she climaxed, Finn looking down at her reverently.Finn was still incredibly hard, and even as Rey lay back, coming down from her first orgasm, she looked up at Finn. “Do you trust me, Rey?” Finn said softly. “Do you want this? Me, inside you?””Yes.”They fumbled for any forms of protection (and Rey couldn’t help but wonder how condoms got in their room, but she supposed Lando and Aaron thought of everything), Finn slipping one on before slowly — and checking in with Rey all the while — entering Rey, and oh, if Finn’s fingers were bliss, it was nothing compared to how she felt now. Filled up, breached, and Finn moved gently, tenderly, treating her like she was precious as opposed to nothing. Rey’s fingers strayed between her legs where she and Finn were joined and she touched herself, the combination of Finn inside her and the stimulation to her clit almost too much.”Finn,” she gasped. “Oh, Finn...””Rey.” And how much reverence Finn could put into that one syllable was truly amazing. Their heavy breathing mingled in the room, and when Rey felt the warmth in her belly again, she felt her body shake, tremble, and her long legs clamped around Finn as Finn thrust into her. Finn came long after Rey had climaxed a second time, and he withdrew from her, both collapsing on the bed and snuggling against each other. Finn pressed kisses to her hair, and Rey couldn’t recall the last time that she had felt such tenderness and care from another being.”That was...wonderful,” Rey said.”Yeah,” Finn said. “We better get to sleep. I think we both need it.”Rey kissed him lightly. “I love you, Finn.””I know,” Finn said. “I love you too.”
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Falling asleep should have been easy with Finn with her. Instead, it only left her more vulnerable to the nightmares. It left her more vulnerable to the pain that seemed to be coming off Kylo Ren in waves. Anger was just pain with it’s tough facade in place. She knew from experience. She knew that enough. She couldn’t save Kylo Ren, though. She knew that much. There was too much anger inside him, too much hatred and pain. She thought that she could sway him on the Supremacy. Even then, though, she couldn’t save him from his monsters. It was after one nightmare that she woke up, gasping for breath, and Finn held her. Finn held her close, and Rey could at least look around and realize that she was in the room that they shared. They were safe. They were all right. Even if the bond activated, it obviously wouldn’t let Kylo know where the Resistance was. Snoke’s bond was crude at most, after all. “You’re safe, Rey,” Finn said, and Rey could believe him. Yes, she could believe him. Rey took a deep breath. “He’s getting angrier,” she said. “Whatever Light in him he ever had, whatever conflict...it’s being consumed by hate and anger. I can only fear what’s going to happen to him.” “I don’t know if he had any Light in him,” Finn said. “Or conflict.”Rey bit her lip. “I know. The bond...it had special properties. I could feel everything he felt, and he wasn’t happy. I don’t think any act of evil ever made him happy.”Finn nodded — he was listening, at least. Even if he didn’t agree. “There was something I never understood about the bond,” Rey said. “I have the texts there, and I just hope they’ll answer my questions...”She picked up the texts, practically hauled them to the bed before setting them down on the bed. She and Finn rustled through the pages, until Rey said, “There it is!” There, right there, was a page on Force Bonds. Rey read over it. It was one specific paragraph, actually, that caught her eye.
Force Bonds must be organically formed. To breach the minds of others in order to create a Bond is a perversion of what the Bond means. It is mental rape, a violation. It goes against the very nature of the Force itself. The Force is not to be manipulated for one’s own ends, its laws not to be violated. To violate it is of the Dark Side itself.
The Force Bond must be formed out of kindness. To assist another, to heal another, is a unique thing, a beautiful thing that heals both parties. The Force Bond formed out of a violation of others’ minds is naught but a violation of the natural laws of the Force, and the nature of consent from both parties.
Rey felt like her chest had been squeezed in. Snoke had essentially violated the laws of the Force when he had “bridged” her and Kylo’s minds. Mentally raped them both, rather. No wonder the Bond had felt so crude. Snoke was no amateur, naturally, but he had failed to understand that you simply couldn’t control others’ minds. “Consent.” Rey said aloud. “The texts said ‘consent’. There wasn’t any consent between Kylo and I when Snoke...forced our bond.””He mentally raped you both?” Finn said. Rey nodded. It wasn’t something she wanted to come to terms with, the very idea that Snoke had mentally raped her. But it was true. She found herself holding Finn’s hand as she read through the texts. Apparently, a Force Bond could be broken. The case of the Jedi Exile and Darth Traya was one example. In that case, the Exile had wounded Traya, severing the bond. Rey paused. Would she have to wound Kylo — wound Ben? Surely there was another way around it.When she was done, she turned to Finn. “I still can’t believe it...””I’m sorry, Rey.” Finn kissed her temple. “You’ve gone through a lot, haven’t you?””I know. But...I’m here. I’m all right now.” It wasn’t okay, but Rey could at least say that she was recovering. As for Kylo...It was inevitable that she would have to face him again. She just hoped she was ready for it.
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She couldn’t reconstruct Anakin’s lightsaber. Even that knowledge — how was she supposed to explain that to Maz, that she had effectively destroyed Anakin’s lightsaber? (Kylo had too. They both had) She could take out the parts, though, that weren’t fried. Things like the blue kyber crystal, for example. Even taking apart the parts that weren’t fried, she wondered, absently, if Anakin had ever felt the reverse when putting his lightsaber together. Before he had effectively doomed his bloodline. Lando was happy to help. So was Maz, when she landed on Cloud City after coming back from a union dispute. “You think I never came prepared, dear child?” she said. “I always have.”Rey nodded.”Let’s see what you have so far. Ah. You have the kyber crystal, yes, but you also need the power cell, the emitter matrix, the lens...””So I need more parts,” Rey said. “Fortunately for you, child, I have them.”Even putting the lightsaber together, Rey couldn’t help but feel a certain sense of mourning for Anakin’s lightsaber. It had been a useful weapon, while she had wielded it — more than that, it had been like an extension of herself. The old legends said that this weapon was your life. Rey knew what it meant now. She made it different. A double blade, like her staff. It might as well be an integration, of the scavenger she was, and the Jedi she was now. It was afterwards that Rey ignited the lightsaber, careful to not harm Maz. She spun it above her head, experimentally, and she felt, for the first time, like a Jedi in her own right. The first time she had used Anakin’s lightsaber, she had mostly been a scavenger wielding a new weapon. This...This was different now. One by one, she was moving away from her past. She deactivated the lightsaber, put it down. Maz smiled. “You are coming into your own, child.””Thank you.” Then, “Maz...there’s something I need to ask you. About my parents.””It was a lie,” Maz said bluntly. “What do you mean?” Rey said. “When Kylo told me I already knew, on the Supremacy — ”She cut herself off. She could still remember what exactly Kylo had said. I saw who your parents are. Had that been some sort of illusion created by the bond, like the visions of Kylo’s future? It had to be. And it had been funny that she had hidden that away...that, of all things. She almost expected the reveal to be more massive...Maz continued. “I doubt it was Kylo who lied to you. He was always usually a bad liar. His previous Master, however, had a talent for creating visions that weren’t true. He did that with both you and Kylo over your bond, creating visions of the future that turned out not to be.””So it was a trick of Snoke’s.” Rey couldn’t help but feel sick. “On Kylo’s end, yes,” Maz said. “And on yours. The future is always in motion, naturally, but Snoke was skilled at planting false visions. Everything Light and everything Dark, he knew. And when he planted that vision in Luke’s mind to make him kill Ben Solo...well, he knew what he was doing then too.”Rey could swear she felt acid creeping up her throat. To think she had blamed Luke for creating Kylo Ren that rainy night on Ach-To, when he had been good as taken in and tricked. Maz continued. “Don’t blame yourself, Rey. Snoke...I knew Snoke long ago, back when he was Aldric of Milara. When he was spiraling into darkness, he said that the strategy of the dejarik player was the best means for victory.””So it didn’t matter who got hurt.””Exactly.””Who are my parents, Maz?””Think about it, child. Remember the ship. The silver ship. Did that look like the ship of a junk trader?”Rey could still remember. The silver ship. Flying far away from Jakku, into a too-sunny sky. And herself, only five at the time, screaming for it to come back. Herself, in the cave. The silhouettes of the man and the woman, the woman shorter than the man. Something about the wind on Ach-To, whispering to her. Words that she couldn’t quite make out. Except a name. Qi’ra.”Who is Qi’ra, Maz?” Rey said.Maz closed her eyes. “The first woman that Han Solo ever loved.””He never even mentioned her.””Did he mention anything of himself to you, child? At least while you were traveling with him? I’m certain there were some things he would have preferred to forget.”Rey nodded. “Qi’ra...”“...was a very important member of your family.” Maz said. “She wanted me to give you this.” She held out a leather bound book. “She was a former apprentice of the Sith Lord Darth Maul who managed to escape and hide from him for many years on end. She had you, at one point. The rest...she may want to tell you herself.”Rey swallowed. So this was her mother, Qi’ra. She finally had a name. “Thank you, Maz. I...never thought I’d find at least one half of my parents. I truly didn’t.””You deserved to know,” Maz said.Rey walked towards her room, bound leather book in hand. “Finn,” she said to Finn even as she walked inside. “I found out about my mother.””You did, huh?” Finn said. “That’s amazing!”Rey nodded. “I know.” She beamed at Finn. “Maybe now I can get some answers. On what happened to her.”She opened the leather-bound book and began to read.
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The first thing that Rey noticed about her mother’s handwriting was the fact that it was incredibly fancy, with its fine loops of cursive. She doubted she had ever seen anything more beautiful in terms of handwriting, even as she began to read.
It’s been years since I escaped Maul, and I still have nightmares about it — nightmares about all of it, in fact. Trying to escape Corellia, to begin with, and being dragged off. Lady Proxima. Everything in my life I can think of, I still have nightmares about. And then there are the things I did. You do what you can to survive, and yet I doubt I can forgive myself. There have been things I doubt I can forgive myself for, no matter how much I try.
Han’s found someone else. I should be happy for him — he seems happy, at least, with Leia Organa. I can’t help but be jealous, though. What a life we could have lived — I suppose, though, I only have myself to blame. I wonder if Han knows the rest of what I’ve done. I can’t bear to think of it.
“Maul?” Finn said. “Like...Darth Maul?”Rey nodded. “I guess we’ll find out as we read more.” She continued reading.
There’s a man who came to me with the promise of rebuilding the Jedi Order. He seems charming enough, I will admit that, but I don’t know if I’m ready to participate in such a huge project. Maul trained me in places in the ways of the Force — I doubt I am ready, actually, to be trained again. Light, Dark — what is the difference? They both abuse power in their own way. I’m not ready to embrace my Force potential again. I doubt I’ll ever be.
Still, this Luke seems charming enough. I like him. He almost reminds me of Han, back in the day. I don’t feel the same way I did for Han — the sort of love that was passionate and all-consuming — but I could be his friend. I could use a friend, actually.
***
I still can’t sleep. Sometimes, even though Maul is dead, I wonder if he’s going to be standing over me with a lightsaber. Condemning me for running away. It’s absurd, naturally; I’m not twenty-one anymore. I’m older, stronger. And yet, I am scared.
***
Han seems happy enough, with Leia. And yet...I feel like there’s something that’s not what it seems. He seems at least happy with their son, Ben.
Ben seems like a sweet young boy. Even if he does seem more than a bit odd. There’s something about him that seems shy and sad at times, though I don’t know why.
Leia seems charming enough as well. Friendly. I just can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t been separated from Han that horrible day at the spaceport. I still have nightmares about that too. There’s nothing that I don’t have nightmares. But I am stronger. My name is Qi’ra, and I am not going to be cowed by the monsters in my head.
Rey continued reading through the journal. Apparently, Ben had had...perhaps not a perfect childhood, but generally one where Han and Leia both tried to make sure that he didn’t go through the same pains that they had. Han with his childhood on Corellia (which apparently didn’t sound too different from her childhood on Jakku), Leia with what her birth father had done to her. (And Rey still wondered who would even do that to their own daughter) It was when Ben was eight that everything changed. When Leia had sent him to his uncle. Rey couldn’t say that she saw that coming. So Ben had been good as abandoned...just like she had.
I still can’t believe it. It’s not like Leia is a bad woman, likely far from it. But the poor boy needs both his parents. He needs to be nurtured, not just thrown away like trash.
At least he’s being sent to someone he trusts. But Han...Han was so devastated. He actually came to me that night, with that look in his eyes, like something had been torn from him.
“I didn’ even get any say in it, Qi’ra,” he said. “He’s just...gone.”
I know that Han loves his son with all his heart. And really, why would Leia want her son to control his Force abilities? He shouldn’t be doing that! He’s an eight year old boy! He should be playing outside and going to parks and doing what normal eight year old boys do.
Stars willing.
I shouldn’t be acting like this. Luke is a good man. And yet...the idea of this poor boy having to embrace his Force Powers...I went through that. Maul was not kind to me. I have the scars to prove it. Sith, even former Sith, aren’t kind to their apprentices, and monsters love no one.
The journal continued. Qi’ra talked about visiting the Academy over the course of a year, and noticing Luke getting crueler, colder, angrier.
I know the look in his eyes. The Dark Side has poisoned his heart.
There was a knock on the door. Aaron’s voice sounded from behind the door. “You two okay in there? It’s time for dinner.””Okay.” Rey said. Perhaps after dinner, she could keep reading, and discover who her father was.