Work Text
December 14, 2018
Taehyung felt his heart racing as the snippets of songs from the nominees for Artist of the Year swam on the screen in front of his eyes, registering distantly that his face was on the screen in front of him for a moment, before the screen was fading to the MAMA Hong Kong logo and the thunderous clamour of screaming girls momentarily managed to drown out the thoughts of doubt running through his mind.Sat near the stage, Taehyung cast a brief look down the line of people beside him, registering the same expressions on the faces of the six men dearest to him, hesitating on Jeongguk's face for only a split second longer before turning his attention back to the stage and the matter at hand.Just open it, Taehyung thought to himself bitterly, though he kept his expression neutral as he waited for the announcer to finish his monologue, watching anxiously as he struggled to peel open the award card in his hands, seemingly unbothered by the rising tension in the room that may or may not have been completely in Taehyung's own head.Please let us win this, Taehyung whispered to himself, the voices in his head quiet for the first time in months as he waited with baited breath for the card to be turned towards them, please let everything we went through this year be worth something."B-T-S!" the announcer shouted, adding a jubilant "whoop" of excitement to punctuate the statement as the room burst into applause, Taehyung standing on instinct and looking up to the sky like he had done every day since his Grandma had passed.I love you so much Grandma, Taehyung thought as a smile broke out across his face as the words from the announcer registered. They had won. I wouldn't be here without you. Thank you so much for everything.Stepping forward, Taehyung turned to watch the reactions of the other six men in their band, the smile on his face pulling his cheeks even farther out as he walked into the embrace of RM and Suga, their hands patting him on the back as the five men and Jeongguk, who always seemed to be running behind, quickly hugged, exchanging quick shouts of congratulations before they were turning towards the stage and Taehyung himself was leading them out to accept the award for Artist of the Year.Fuck, I don't know what to do with my hands, Taehyung thought with a laugh, shoving his right hand into his pocket as he strode down the steps and towards the middle of the stage, pulling his hand out only a moment later to gesture his arms wide, eyes beaming as he looked at the thousands of faces in the room around them, faces blurring together as he strode confidently down the catwalk splitting down the middle of the room, the announcer waiting patiently with that beautiful golden award sitting comfortably in the grip of his right hand, ARMYs screaming enthusiastically behind him.He's looking at me! Act normal. Taehyung thought to himself as they neared the front of the stage, suddenly remembering he was at the front of their group, smile still stretched across his face as he reflexively bowed his head to the older man, holding his right arm out for a handshake, placing his left underneath so the other man wouldn't notice how baldy his hands were shaking as they exchanged customary greetings before Taehyung pulled up and simply watched as RM and the others did the same.Oh, I should probably acknowledge ARMY Taehyung realized after a moment, walking forward out of the way of the greetings and looking up into the crowd, smile growing once more as he saw the many fans jumping up and down with glee, placing his palms together and nodding his head in their direction, hoping they could see the action for the thanks that it was, turning back to search for Jeongguk who was only a few steps behind him, stepping forward so he could get a good look at his face which was flushed from the excitement from the win. I don't even know why he's shocked right now, he worked so damn hard for this.As the greetings with the announcer came to a close, Taehyung placed a guiding hand on J-Hope's right arm, moving him forward with the help of RM, guiding his hyung front and center to where the microphone was waiting and ARMY attentively listening for the kickass speech that Taehyung knew Hobi was about to give."You've got this," Taehyung said quietly under his breath as Hobi stepped forward, accepting the physical trophy confidently, placing his left hand on his hip and cocking his leg which Taehyung noted with a soft grin, stepping around the other five men, trying to decide where to stand so that he could see Hobi's speech. RM said he wanted five of us to speak if we won, so maybe if I stand behind Jimin and Suga, majority will rule and the rest of us can talk. What should I say?"ARMY!" J-Hope shouted breathlessly, holding the award out as he tried to gather his thoughts. "Uhhh...""Before we...came up on stage," Hobi started, taking another second to try and wet his mouth a little, the shock from having won the award just now starting to wear off as he stared out into the crowd. We did it. We actually did it; we won. "I was really worried. I want to always show you the best side of me, so whenever we're about to go up on stage, I get nervous as we prepare.""Uhhh," No, Hobi thought weakly to himself as the music in the room seemed to change, getting more charged and heavy with emotion. No. Don't cry Hobi, you deserved this. We all did. We all worked so goddamn hard for this award this year. After everything..."This award is really..." Hobi trailed off, trying to keep his smile big as he bounced back and forth in his head between past and present, between their reckoning day all those months ago and now, winning this award, eyes welling with tears as a whimper slipped though his lips and into the expanse of the room, hand coming to his mouth as he acknowledged the emotion that was bubbling to the surface in his chest.As Jimin's hands slid around his arms and across his chest, grounding him in the moment and reminding him that he was safe, as his face crumpled from the weight that no one knew they were carrying, Hobi's eyes slid right, watching as Jeongguk burst into tears, covering up his face in surprise and turning his body away from the crowd as he quickly tried to school his features, Hoseok trying to do the same, though he knew he was failing by the fact his ability to breathe was limited by some invisible crushing force."I think," Hobi whimpered into the mic once more, sniffing loudly and allowing a sob to escape before he even attempted to continue. "This year, I think I would have cried whether or not we received this award...""We went through so many hard times, and we received so much love from all of you, so I really wanted to make up for that," Hobi continued honestly, ensuring to not look at Jeongguk who would cause him to break down uncontrollably if he did. "I'm so grateful, and I want to take this moment to thank my members who are here with me. Thank you. I love you."Relinquishing his hold on the award as he felt delicate fingers pull it from his grasp, Hobi slid his body in front of V and Suga so he could get off to the side as people cheered, doing his best to collect his thoughts and remain calm knowing the cameras were still on him, all while refusing to show weakness by wiping at his eyes. Why was that so hard? Shouldn't I be excited that we won this award?"ARMY!" Jimin shouted into the mic as he stepped forward, eyes wide with happiness and his smile wider, tilting his head as he looked out into the crowd of the thousands of supporters that were there, it felt, for only them. "Thank you.""In the past year, it's possible that there were some tough things, right?" Jimin asked aloud hypothetically, registering his face on the monitor for the announcers above ARMYs head and trying not to let his smile falter as he saw Jin gently dabbing tears from around his nose just off to his side."As we went through them, we'd gather together and talk about it, and we were able to look back on things," Jimin said, continuing on with the thought process that Hoseok-hyung had started, noticing briefly that both RM and Jeongguk were in tears beside him. Don't think about it Chimmie, don't allow yourself to go there. Not right now. Just smile. You deserve this."When we did that, we realized that there are many people behind us and beside us. We wondered when so many people came to be by our side? As we thought about that, we realized that even though it's hard, we can gather strength and be happy. So I want to say thank you to all of you."Stopping for a second to compose himself, Jimin looked at the Idols in front of his eyes, gathering strength from their encouraging smiles as he prepared to press on. You're doing good Chimmie, keep going."Also, I really wanted to receive this award again in this spot," Jimin carried on, noting that while RM, Jin, J-Hope and Jeongguk seemed to be on the edge of a breakdown, V and Suga stood proudly to his left as they smiled at his speech. "As I always say, the pride that you have for us is our pride. So next year, we will show you an even better side of ourselves and repay you again with this award.""Pass it to V next," RM whispered into his ear as Jimin finished his sentence, leaning forward so Jimin could hear it over the din of the high-pitched screams encompassing the room. "You did good.""Thank you!" Jimin shouted enthusiastically into the microphone, smiling wide for all his fans to see. "I love you!"Stepping out of the way, Jimin registered the deep tamber of Taehyung's voice as he stepped up to the mic, running his fingers through his hair as he looked at the younger man who suddenly looked incredibly emotional, despite the fact he had been fine when it had been Jimin's turn. It's okay my little TaeTae, you did good this year. Please don't cry."You okay?" Jimin asked quietly as he stepped forward to hug Jeongguk, knowing even as he asked it that their little maknae wouldn't even register what he was saying, not with V about to give his speech in front of them."To the members'..." Taehyung started, RM reaching forward to stroke his cheek in encouragement as he did so, knowing that out of all of them, Tae was the one who had needed this award the most. "...mothers and fathers who are watching this, thank you for raising us."Crap, Jimin thought self-deprecatingly when he shifted and realized that he was still holding the award, quickly handing it to V who nodded in acknowledgement before continuing on with his portion of the speech. Sorry TaeTae!"The fact that we're able to..." Taehyung started, licking his lips as he felt the tears start to well up, the screams of pity from the crowd pushing him further past the edge. Tae, breathe, it's okay. Don't go there. Just say thank you. Shit, why is Jimin crying all of a sudden?Taehyung knew without a doubt that Jeongguk was looking at him, could feel his gaze burning into the side of his face. Knowing his partner was there, was only a few feet away, Taehyung took a deep breath, pushing the tears down so he could continue speaking, knowing that if he broke down right now, the only person he'd end up hurting would be the person for who he was crying for and Jeongguk deserved better than that."I will work hard," Taehyung pushed on, actively pushing the tears away, though he wasn't sure how successful he actually was in doing so. "...so that I deserve this award. You give us these great awards at the end of each year. I really feel like even if I were born again, ARMY would be a precious gift to us. Thank you so much, I love you."I can't believe I did that without crying, Taehyung thought absentmindedly as he passed off the award to Suga and stepped out of the way, instinctively reaching for Jeongguk's hand and catching himself last second, grabbing his own hand instead and refusing to look up and make eye contact with the younger man who's tears he could see even though he wasn't directly facing him. Why is Suga the only one who never cries at these things? I wish I could be strong like that..."Thank you, ARMY," Suga said with a huff of laughter, lips spread in a smirk as he looked down at the award in his hand. We fucking deserved this award, like hell I am going to cry today."I'm so happy to receive the Artist of the Year award," Suga drawled, looking out into the crowd and relishing the neutral expressions on many of the Idols faces, knowing it was because BTS had won and not their own groups. "I think of this as an award given to us by ARMY who always look over us, and I will work harder. I want to thank our families who brought these seven brothers into the world. 2018 was a year where I wondered if it was even possible to be this happy in my life. I'll make 2019 an even cooler and happier year. Thank you."The crowd let out a cheer as Suga finished his portion of the speech, passing the award off to Jin and stepping out of the way, placing his hands behind his back as he waited to hear what Jin had to say, though he had a feeling based on how the oldest member was carrying himself that he was going to say something that would be very hard to hear said out loud. Watch out for Taehyung, he thought to himself, flicking a look at the man in red under his eyelashes and noting how close he was standing to his partner. If he goes where I think Jin is going to go with this, Taehyung will need our support.At the same time across the stage, Jeongguk took a few steps forward away from V so he could collect his thoughts as Jin stepped up to the microphone, smiling despite the fact he could hear his heart beating in his head, wanting nothing more than to pull Taehyung into his arms and out of the dark thoughts that he was sure he was in inside his head, but knowing he wouldn't even be allowed to touch the boy for several more hours. I love you Tae, you deserved this award this year my love, please be proud of yourself today."ARMY!" Jin spoke loudly into the microphone, his voice unusually devoid of the normal sardonic emotion that it usually had when it came to speeches such as these. Patting away the tears that had gathered at the base of his nose, Jin looked around at those in front of him, before continuing on with his speech."I'm thinking about earlier this year," Jin stated, seeing the reactions of the other six members and knowing that he still needed to say what he was about to say, so that it no longer sat like a deep dark secret in their minds. "Early this year we were having a really hard time mentally. So we talked together and we worried whether we should disband or not."The sounds of shocked screams echoed around the room and out of the corner of his eye, Jin saw Taehyung breaking down, knowing that he needed to have done it to relieve the younger man of his burden of guilt, but feeling the pang of pain in his chest all the same for what he had said was out there now and he knew people would ask. It's not your fault Tae, please forgive yourself for this finally. I forgive you."...and we worried whether we should disband or not." The words were echoing in Taehyung's head as the tears that he had been pushing down forced their way to the surface, spilling over and down his cheeks as he brought his hand up to cover his face, knowing it wasn't going to actually cover his tears from being posted all over social media within the hour, but feeling like his hand was acting as a barrier all the same. Why does it hurt so much? Taehyung thought to himself as he dropped his head into his hand, placing his left arm across his stomach so he could feel the heaving sobs that were pounding through his chest, entirely conscious of the hundreds of cameras that were pointed directly at him. Why does it hurt so much ten months later? After everything we went through this year, after everything we've put up with, no matter how many times they say they've forgiven me, why does this hurt so much?Standing up trying to compose himself, Taehyung turned to try and get away from the cameras he could see a few feet in front of him now that he was looking forward, briefly looking at Jeongguk and seeing the tears on his face too before suddenly feeling everything he was trying to hold up crumple as the weight of what Jin had said settled on his chest once more. We worried whether we should disband or not. As Jeongguk reflexively reached out and pulled Taehyung into his chest to protect him, defiantly saying fuck it in his head, knowing the label would be pissed for the show of affection on national television, Taehyung was teleported back exactly ten months earlier to the day when he had told his family that he wanted out.
February 14, 2018
"I'm sorry," he whimpered, dropping his face into his hands as he burst into deep-wracking sobs, pushing Jeongguk's hands away when he reached out to comfort him.
"What are you trying to say, Tae?" Jimin asked hesitantly, tears in his own eyes as he looked at his brother crying at the table in front of him.
"I'm saying I can't do this anymore," Taehyung said between the sobs, looking up at the other six members who were watching him with a range of expressions on their faces from anger to hurt to understanding. "I'm saying I don't want to be in BTS anymore."
A shocked gasp was sucked out of the other six members as Taehyung's words permeated the tension in the room, sniffles the only thing that could be heard outside of the sobs that were slipping uninterrupted from Taehyung's lips.
"Do you not want to be in BTS anymore because you don't want to be an idol anymore," Yoongi asked with a steely expression after a moment, not showing the turmoil he was experiencing inside. "Or because of you and Jeongguk?"
"Does it matter?" Taehyung asked quietly after a pause, refusing to look up at the aforementioned man who was still trying to come to terms with Taehyung pushing him away when he was hurting. What are partners for if not to comfort each other in times of need?
"Of course it matters," Namjoon said with a frown, sniffing himself to keep his emotions in check. "We were sitting here talking about renewing our contract and now you're breaking down in front of us. Where is this coming from Tae?"
A long period of silence settled over the group, sitting around their kitchen table in their dorm on a rare occasion where they were home for longer than three days and could sit down and talk about their future. While they had been talking for over an hour, not much movement had been made in the conversation until Taehyung had spontaneously burst into tears, bringing them to the present where six men looked on at Taehyung with curious expressions, though a few (Jeongguk, Yoongi, Jin) at least had an idea what his outburst had to do with.
"Tae..." Hoseok pushed, wiping at his eyes and waiting for Taehyung to lift his eyes and make eye contact with them which he finally did after the gentle nudge. "Where is this coming from?"
"You don't know what it's like," Taehyung whispered, sniffing loudly and rubbing at his nose with the cloth that was sitting in front of him on the table, not having seen Jeongguk drop it there when he had started crying, "to wake up every morning and have notifications from people about something they saw about me online. About how I looked at Jeongguk too lovingly, or how I held his arm too long or how our concert in Russia is getting cancelled because we're 'too gay.' Every day it's something new. If they only knew..."
"If they only knew, what?" Jeongguk asked after schooling his features, trying to stay strong after being slapped with the comment about the Russia concert, recalling the anger he had felt from their conversation with Bang PD when he had told them the news, knowing it had been he and Taehyung's fault that it had been cancelled though no one else would admit it, even if they did their best to stay away from each other in public.
"I can't even do anything with you," Taehyung spat bitterly after a moment, looking up at Jeongguk with fresh tears spilling down his cheeks. "I can't look at you in public, I can't touch you in public, I can't hold your hand or hug you or kiss you or anything that normal couples get to do."
"All I can do," he carried on, wiping angrily at his face, ignoring the pitying looks from the other five members and the closed-off expression on Jeongguk's face, "is sing and dance and make sure that I am at least five feet away from you at all times, that if I am next to you that my hands are to myself, that if I want to interact with you it has to be for a justified reason, that if I want to laugh at something you say that I make sure I laugh harder at something someone else says. I have to be conscious of my every waking second in public when it comes to you and I HATE it."
Another long period of silence stretched across the group as they tried to digest what Taehyung had said, his words holding true as nothing he had said thus far had been a lie in the slightest and they all knew that, as hard as it was to hear.
Tears slipping down his cheeks finally, Jeongguk leaned forward in his chair, placing his hands together on the table as he leaned on his elbows, catching Taehyung's attention from where he had dropped it after shouting at him, trying to stay calm as he felt his heart breaking in his chest as he spoke.
"Why does it feel like we are breaking up and not the band?" Jeongguk asked cautiously, trying his best to not let the sound of pain that had slipped through his lips get any louder as his chest started to heave and tears started to stream down his face incessantly, breaking down completely, appreciative that neither Yoongi nor Jimin, who were sitting on either side of him, had moved to touch him, pretty sure he would have thrown them off if they had even tried. "Please don't leave me Tae..."
"I don't want to leave you," Tae whispered, reaching across the table and grabbing Jeongguk's hand, squeezing hard as if it could make him feel the sincerity in his statement. "I just want to be with you without ruining the careers of everyone else."
"Wait, what?" Yoongi asked in surprise, the conversation suddenly deviating from where he had thought it had been headed. "Say that again."
"Hm?" Taehyung hummed between his tears, grabbing Jeongguk's hand with his other hand and tugging gently until the younger man looked up at him with wide eyes full of emotion.
"I thought you were going to say that you want to leave the band so you could be with Jeongguk," Yoongi said honestly, leaning back in his chair and making eye contact with Joon and Jin who also seemed as confused as he was. "But you are making it sound like you want to breakup with Jeongguk and also breakup the band and now I don't know where you are going with this."
"What?" Taehyung almost shouted in surprise and confusion, looking at the reactions around the room and then quickly turning back to Jeongguk who had burst into sobs again when Yoongi said the words 'breakup.' "No, what, I would never leave Jeongguk..."
"Then what are you trying to say?" Jin asked, smirking briefly as the room caught the "thank fuck" that had slipped uninvited from Jeongguk's lips as he tried to calm his breathing down, his reaction having pulled tears from both Jimin and Hobi who were both easy criers.
"I..."
"Just say it, Tae," Yoongi pressed. "It can't be any worse than making your boyfriend think you were breaking up with him."
"I would never," Taehyung muttered under his breath, smiling appreciatively as Jimin shifted onto Hobi's chair so Taehyung could shift closer to his partner, Jeongguk grateful for the much needed touch as Taehyung simply pulled him to his chest and murmured comforting words into his hair as he started to cry again. "I would never leave you baby, you and me remember? You and me, always."
Clearing his throat, Taehyung reached under Jeongguk's chin, pulling him up so the two were sitting up beside each other, bodies pressed tightly the other person's, looking at each of the other five men individually before deciding to continue.
"What I'm saying, is that I don't want to hide this forever..."
"Well duh," Jimin interrupted, squeaking when he realized what he had done and holding his hands up in apology before leaning back into Hoseok who had his arms around his chest and his chin hooked over his left shoulder.
"Literally everyone knows that, Tae," Namjoon said quizzically, not understanding Taehyung's point. "It's not like anyone expected you guys to keep this hidden forever."
"Being gay is illegal in Korea," Taehyung said after another pause in which he had turned to kiss Jeongguk's head and wipe the tears from his partner's cheeks, though they were quickly replaced with new ones. "I want there to be a day where I can hold my boyfriend's hand in public. Kiss him after we win an award. Not have to count how many seconds it's been since I started looking at him."
"Earlier, when we sat down to talk, you said that the contract extension was another seven years, right?"
"Yes?" Joon clarified, confused since he knew Taehyung knew the answer to his own question.
"You are asking us to keep our relationship secret for seven more years," Taehyung said steadily, face crumpling before he managed to school his features so he could finish his thought. "And i'd rather light myself on fire or jump off a building then wait seven more years to be in love with my partner the way that I want to be."
"Tae..." Jeongguk whispered, tears spilling over as his partner turned to look at him, surprised at the fire he could see behind his eyes. "You never said anything to me."
"Say what?" Tae responded angrily, his eyes ablaze with emotion. "I either deal with it for seven more years, lose you, or lose the band. Which one of those sound like good options to you kookie, cause they all sound fucking abysmal to me."
A deep cry of pain pulled Taehyung away from his thoughts as he turned to look at Namjoon who was burying his head into his crossed arms on the table in front of him, his entire body shaking with the force of his sobs, Jin releasing his own tears as he leaned forward and placed his hands comfortingly onto Namjoon's shoulders as everyone else in the room stared on in shock as Namjoon was usually one of the last one's to cry, only before Yoongi who truly never cried ever.
"Namjoon?" Tae said gently, sniffing and looking at Jimin and Hoseok in confusion. "Joon, w-what's going on?"
"I've failed you," Namjoon said between tears as he pulled his head from his arms to answer the younger man. "I thought I was trying to protect you and now I've put you into this worst-case situation."
"What are you talking about?" Jin asked, expression shifting between various emotions as he tried to keep his head straight on everything that was happening in front of him, truly too fast for him to process it all. "How did you fail them?"
"When you two first started dating," Namjoon said finally, addressing Taehyung and Jeongguk directly, scrubbing at his face, though it wasn't helping, the man too overcome with guilt to tamp down his tears. "I was worried what would happen to the band if you two ever broke up. Not what would happen to you two, to the band."
"It was selfish of me," Namjoon admitted, seeing the look on Taehyung's face and finally realizing what Taehyung had been going on about. "So I talked to Bang PD and we agreed that as long as you guys kept your relationship a secret it shouldn't matter because you were adults and you could figure yourselves out."
"But?" Yoongi pressed, having heard it in Joon's voice.
"But you guys are so good together," Namjoon said softly, looking down at his hands guiltily. "And as your relationship grew stronger and went on for longer I realized I had nothing to be worried about because you guys have been nothing but professional about your relationship this entire time. But that doesn't stop the fact that we had rules put into place to protect the band that you've been dealing with for...shit, two years now I guess?"
"Yeah," Taehyung said sadly, also having caught on to the fact that he and Joon were at least on the same page here, which somehow made what they were talking about harder.
"I was the one to put those rules into place," Namjoon whispered, so quietly that if there had been any other noise in their dorm outside of their crying that no one would have heard what he had said. "And now you are sitting in front of us saying that you want to leave the band because you can't be with Jeongguk the way you deserve to be or because if you stay you think you'll have to keep it a secret for seven more years."
"We WOULD have to keep it a secret for seven more years," Taehyung said vehemently, squeezing Jeongguk's arm, his face still pressed against his chest as he listened on. "Don't you see?"
"See what?"
"Joon," Taehyung replied in frustration, leaning back and pulling at his hair to ground him. "I don't care about MY career, I care about YOUR career."
"What?" Namjoon asked in confusion, dabbing at his eyes. "I'm not following again."
"What he's saying, if I may," Yoongi interjected from the head of the table in his deep drawl, watching both Joon on his right and Tae and Kook on his left and waiting for their nods of approval before he chimed in with his two cents. "Tae isn't mad that he would have to keep his relationship a secret for seven more years because what he's saying is he won't keep their relationship a secret for seven more years."
Pausing to look around at each man individually and hearing no objections, Yoongi continued, feeling only a little ashamed that he had never picked up on this sooner.
"What Tae's worried about, is that if people find out that he and Jeongguk are in a relationship, BTS will be over and-"
"Which it will," Tae muttered, ignoring the dark look Yoongi threw his way at the interruption.
"That BTS will be over," Yoongi continued, daring Taehyung to interrupt again with another dark look, though the younger man was smart enough to keep quiet this time around, "and he thinks it will somehow be his fault if it ruins our careers as well."
"IT WILL RUIN YOUR CAREERS!" Taehyung shouted, standing up abruptly and almost causing Jeongguk to fall over, most of his weight having been against Tae's. "I will not be responsible for my love life ruining your career Yoongi. Why the fuck should you five have to pay because me and Jeongguk have been dating for two years? It's not fucking fair."
"Why the fuck do you think you have to take all of that responsibility?" Yoongi replied just as angrily, standing up from the table and throwing his glass into the wall to his right, causing everyone to jump in surprise. "Why is that for you to deal with? If I remember correctly there are seven of us in this band, not two, stop trying to make decisions for all of us."
"But why should you suffer because of us?" Taehyung replied furiously. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"AND NEITHER DID YOU!" Yoongi shouted, balling his hands into fists as his breath came in angry puffs. "There are seven of us here. We knew what we were getting into when we got into this band. We knew what we were getting into when you two started to fall in love. We all saw it coming, if we had, had an issue with it, don't you think we would have stopped it then? In 2016? Not now two years later when you are both madly in love with each other?"
"Please stop fighting," Jeongguk said quietly from his seat, looking frantically back and forth between Tae and Yoongi as he tried to keep his emotions in check. "Please, you are both right here, please stop fighting with each other."
"This band," Yoongi seethed, waiting until all eyes were back on him, noting the fear in most of their eyes since there had only been one other time in the seven years that they had known each other that they had seen him this mad. "This band has been the best thing that has ever happened to us. It's also been the worst thing that's ever happened to us."
"Don't interrupt me," Yoongi said holding up his hand to stop the burst of protest from both Jimin and Hoseok that had occurred almost simultaneously. "Yes, you two are in a relationship. Yes, that isn't accepted in Korea yet. But don't pretend that's the only thing going on here. Don't ignore the fact that Jimin has gotten a death threat on almost every continent we've been on. Don't ignore the fact that Jin-hyung gets insulted daily by fuckheads on the internet who dare to tell him that he doesn't have any talent. That Joon has to get his lyrics approved by female academics because of the times dumbass little kids thought they could try and ruin his career by getting him labelled as sexist. That we get treated like objects instead of people. If you want to quit the band, then fine, do you, we can't stop you. But don't you dare come at us as if you being in love is going to somehow ruin our careers. If anything is going to ruin our careers, it would be us running out of good ideas, not because you kissed a fucking boy."
A long silence settled over the room as everyone took in what Yoongi had just put down, no one being able to deny anything he had said, though the honesty was a little too pointed and raw right now for much to be said in response.
"You are putting ideas of disbanding into everyone's head because you are scared," Yoongi finally continued, looking at Taehyung with fiery eyes. "Are you going to take responsibility for that? I'll admit I've thought of it before. How much easier my life would be if we just stopped doing this and went off on our own."
"But?" Tae asked quietly, hearing the truth in Yoongi's words and trying to focus on that and not the seething anger being sent in his direction by his older brother, feeling the fight leave his body in one foul swoop.
"But me wanting to leave the band on days when it gets to be too tough, has never once had anything to do with you being in a relationship with Jeongguk," Yoongi said with finality, daring Taehyung to push him and knowing he wouldn't before deciding to continue with what he was trying to say.
"And anyways. Don't be selfish. You're not the only gay person in this band Taehyung. If we go down, we go down together. All four of us."
Present
"But I'm so relieved..." Jin carried on, seeing through the monitor that the only person not crying around them now was Suga who so rarely showed his emotions in the form of tears anyways. "...that we found our resolve again and now we're able to have these great results.""I'm so grateful to our members," Jin stated with a wet laugh, watching the exchange beside him and hoping that Taehyung could hear his words as the acceptance of what had happened all those months ago, even if he was hurting here in this moment. "...who found that resolve again and I want to say thank you to my loving members and ARMY. Thank you."Stepping back away from the microphone, Jin whimpered as he registered the tears on his members' faces, the tears on Idols' faces and the tears on the crowds faces as they digested the truth bomb he had just dropped on them all, trying to tamp down the feelings of guilt he felt as Taehyung stood up from his bow, his cheeks drenched in his own tears of guilt, but for a completely different reason. Please forgive yourself, Tae. It was never your fault brother. I forgive you.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
February 26, 2019
Jimin collapsed down onto the couch with a sigh, letting his head flop back over the top of the cushions as he sank into the feeling of finally being done for the day, having gone from one event, to another, to another."I never want to move ever again," the former informed the rest of the men as they took their shoes off at the door and followed suit, collapsing into the couch in a variety of positions, the two eldest having grabbed the armchairs before anyone else could get to them."Agreed," Hobi hummed, making room for Taehyung who sat down between him and his partner, before unceremoniously dropping his face into Jeongguk's neck and nuzzling closer, letting his lashes flutter against his skin as the exhaustion from the day started to sink in."Put your feet up," Hobi motioned, reaching down before Taehyung had time to process and pulling his feet up onto the couch so they were tucked under his own thigh, waiting for the younger man to adjust himself and get comfortable, face still buried in the crook of Jeongguk's shoulder, the latter smiling down at him fondly."I'm so tired," Taehyung sighed as his eyelids got heavier with each passing second. "Today was great, but next time, let's split up."His comment pulled a raucous laughter from the rest of the group who tended to agree with Tae's statement, three ceremonies in one day and countless speeches being a little much for even the best of them, even if it had resulted in multiple daesang's."Shh, go to sleep my love," Jeongguk cooed into his partner's hair, placing a kiss on the top of his vaguely minty hair. "You did good today.""Mmm, love you," Taehyung replied softly, his usually deep voice slurred with sleep, a few seconds passing before he added a quiet 'all of you' that was quickly caught up in the subsequent snore that slipped from his lips immediately following."Why is he so tired?" Jin asked as the men continued to watch Taehyung sleeping, a peaceful calm having settled over the group. "Is he not sleeping again?"Jeongguk grimaced before answering as he thought of what Tae had been like around this time a year previous, remembering the long sleepless nights as anger, fear and guilt coursed through his partner's body, pulling aggressive nightmares into his dreams and leaving him gasping for breath as he sat up in bed, drenched in sweat and often, his own tears."No, he's fine. Just gets weird about award shows still, you know how he is.""So you mean, 'doesn't want to cry at an award show' again?" Yoongi noted with a smirk, one which Jeongguk returned, though slightly more subdued."Can you blame him?" Jimin asked before Jeongguk could respond, pulling the attention in the room to him. "It was all over the news for weeks afterwards, lots of speculation as to why he had gotten so upset. We all know our little TaeTae still feels responsible for us almost disbanding."The silence that settled in the room was long, though the emotions circling it were complex. Each man had held a different reaction to their conversation from more than a year prior, feelings of guilt, fear, anger and anxiety having been laced with immense pressure, a lack of gratitude and a general overwhelming fear of failure and irrelevance. While it hadn't been Taehyung alone who had wanted to leave the band in that moment, wires had been crossed that had taken months to sort out, particularly the ones involving each individual man and him, a thought that left all of them with a bad taste in their mouths."I wonder if he will ever stop blaming himself," Jeongguk voiced finally, torn between his darker thoughts as he thought back over that night all those months ago and his feelings toward the gentle breaths puffing against his skin as his partner slept on in his arms, entirely unaware of the conversation happening around him."How many times do we have to tell him we forgive him before he believes us?" Jeongguk continued, eyes glassing over as he slipped into a head space other than his own."He'll get there with time," Namjoon said quietly from the end of the second couch, legs sprawled across the floor in front of him. "One thing I've learned in the last year is that we are stronger together than we are apart. But I think we've also learned each other's limits and our triggers, more than we ever had before since who we are now as adults is more like who we will be moving forward than when we were kids growing up in this industry. I don't think it's surprising we are still learning about each other.""I'm not sure I see your point?" Jeongguk pushed cautiously, his brows furrowing slightly as he tried to piece together Joon's words and the situation at hand."I'm just saying that I think we need to be patient with him. It's fair that Taehyung is still learning about himself and his wants and needs in life since we all are and our reactions to that moment I think surprised all of us. He's holding onto his feelings of fear and regret likely because there are other things in his life that are linked to that conversation that he hasn't figured out yet. So it makes sense that he needs more time, that's all.""I just want him to stop hurting all the time," Jeongguk replied softly, his words laced with a deep-aching pain that came from a lifetime in hiding. "Sometimes I think being an idol was the worst thing that could have ever happened to him. He's too pure for this lifestyle.""You are too pure for this lifestyle," Hoseok retorted from the other side of Taehyung. "You both love with all of your hearts and don't want to keep that under wraps. In fact, I think many of us do that. I'd warrant this has more to do with the being gay part than the being an idol part. He loves his job, he loves his partner, he just...""Doesn't love the fact he can't have his job and his partner at the same time?" Jeongguk suggested as Hobi trailed off, trying to find the right words while the younger man knew them intimately, a constant presence in his own thoughts."Yeah," Hobi said quietly, casting a look down at the floor. "Yeah.""You look like you have more to say?" Jin questioned when an unsteady silence settled over the group, the conversation clearly only half completed. "Can I ask you guys something?" Jeongguk asked with a small voice, a sudden pressure building up in his chest and pressing at his throat as he cast a look down at Taehyung to make sure he was sleeping, his body limp as he sagged into him, eyelids fluttering with whatever dreams had captured his sleeping conscience. "What's up Kookie?" Jimin pressed, gaze focused as he tried to suss out what Jeongguk was about to say, the other men doing the same, though they were forced to wait a long time as Jeongguk tried to gather his thoughts."There are four of us in this band that identify as LGBTQ+," Jeongguk started, lapsing into silence as he warred with himself whether he should finish his thought, knowing he couldn't take it back if he did."Your point?" Yoongi asked pointedly, instantly getting defensive, even though he had a feeling that his reaction was likely to be part of the youngest man's point."How can you guys handle it better than we can?" Jeongguk asked finally. "I feel like Tae and I are a mess when it comes to our sexuality. I feel like we aren't as strong as you guys are and that's even with me trying to be the best that I can and not telling him how freaked out I am sometimes because I don't want to hurt him.""But then you two don't do that at all. You never complain, you never use your sexuality as an excuse or a crutch. You rarely even bring up your sexuality now that I am saying this. Is there a better way to live than how we are?"Jeongguk didn't want to admit how hard his words had been to voice aloud, feeling tears pricking at the backs of his eyes as he considered what he had just said and what he had just admitted as a somewhat stunned silence settled over the group. I hate being so weak all the time. I just want to make Tae better.The silence allowed for Jeongguk to let his thoughts wander, settling on a memory from earlier in the day when they had been waiting to go onstage, his hands shaky as they always were before they went on stage, reaching out and fixing Tae's lapel nervously, the older man standing there rigidly, careful not to react to his partner's touches, though he shifted closer into Guk's space all the same, his presence calming the younger man immediately.Is it weird that just a few hours ago we were making out in the backseat of the car and now we are sitting here with Tae asleep while we talk about how fucked up things are when it comes to our sexualities and our mental state Jeongguk wondered, eyes unfocused as he waited patiently for someone to voice their opinions, though the silence continued to stretch out, even though at this point Jeongguk had no sense of how much time had actually passed."Not being in love with one of my band mates for one," Yoongi started some time later, pulling Jeongguk from his thoughts as he shifted towards the sound, rustling Tae who shifted in his arms, but thankfully stayed asleep. "It's not like you are making a direct comparison here.""What do you mean?""Think about it," Yoongi said thoughtfully, leaning back in the armchair and clasping his fingertips together as he looked up at the ceiling instead of the other men. "Tae identifies as gay, you identify as bisexual, even though you've been in a gay relationship for three years now. Just because you are in a gay relationship, doesn't make you less straight right?""I mean...I guess?" Jeongguk offered, exchanging a confused look with Hoseok who also looked like he wasn't quite sure what Yoongi was going on about."So we have two gay men, a bisexual man and an asexual gay man," Yoongi carried on, drawing Jeongguk's focus. "But of those four men, two happen to be in a band and a relationship together, while the other two are single. So even though we have two gay men in the band, each of them has different lived experiences with their sexuality. So it's not fair to say that one is handling it better than the other, because they aren't remotely living the same thing.""Technically four gay men currently if you think about it," Jin offered after a second of hesitation, face furrowed in thought. "Even though two of the four are single, both are still gay, regardless of the...sexual attraction.""Why did you pause saying sexual?" Yoongi asked with only a hint of malice in his voice, his hackles rising."I honestly don't understand all of the sexualities," Jin admitted, not making eye contact. "Not like, not like I have a problem with them, but there are so many I'm never sure I am thinking of the right one.""Hm," Yoongi hummed, even just the small noise voicing his displeasure at the eldest's words clearly, though he wisely kept his thoughts to himself."Isn't it kind of funny that we ended up with four gay men and three straight men?" Hoseok asked in an attempt to lighten the mood, his face looking amused and excited. "The minority are taking over!""Watch out Hobi," Jimin said with a genuine laugh, looking the elder man's way. "It's infectious, if you aren't careful we'll all be gay before too long!""That doesn't even make sense," Yoongi snapped, Jimin looking completely unfazed by the outburst, looking towards the armchair and sticking his tongue out childishly. "Being gay isn't some sort of disease.""True," Jimin agreed nonchalantly. "But I'm not sure why any of us would trust what you have to say on the subject Min Yoongi, you have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon."Despite himself, Jeongguk found himself sniggering at Jimin's comment, the two aforementioned men staring at each other from opposite sides of the room, one with a daring expression, while the other looked on with hooded eyes loaded with emotion. While Jeongguk had to agree that Yoongi rarely showcased his emotions openly, he had also been the one person that Jeongguk had found himself turning to in times of strife and struggle and was also the main supporter of he and Taehyung early on. While he presented a gruff exterior, Jeongguk knew that Yoongi cared immensely, which was maybe half of Jimin's point."Shh," Jeongguk shushed between his snickers, looking at Tae who had tightened his hold on him when the room had burst into laughter, despite the seriousness of the conversation. "I don't want to wake him, he needs to sleep.""Did you have something better to offer?" Yoongi asked pointedly as the room settled down, question directed at Jimin who was still watching the other man with a complicated expression."Not really," Jimin admitted, looking over at Taehyung and Jeongguk snuggled on the couch. "I imagine being single has a large part to do with the differences in how people handle their sexuality since it's easier to repress when you don't have to constantly address it all the time in the context of navigating a relationship. But unless those people were also dating someone in the same situation as them, I can't honestly say they'd understand. Which I know isn't what you want to hear Kookie, but I don't know if you want to be getting advice from a bunch of single old men.""I'm not old," Joon muttered under his breath in response to Jimin's comment, cheeks colouring when he realized that he had voiced his thoughts out loud and not in his head as he intended. "Sorry, that was my second head talking.""I don't even want to know," Jin groaned, pulling another smirk from Jeongguk. "But he's right, Jeongguk. None of us, regardless of our sexuality, have any idea what you and Tae are going through since we're all single and not really in a position to be dating anyways. Unless we all started dating each other, it wouldn't work with the schedules we have now.""Have you considered talking to other groups to see if other people are in similar situations?" Hobi offered a moment later. "I'm sure with how many groups there are out there that you guys aren't the only two who have people from the same group dating.""But then we'd have to admit to being gay," Jeongguk countered. "Once that leaves our immediate circle it amplifies the chance for the information to get leaked. I don't want to take that chance right now, especially not with a new album coming in two months.""Wow, Kookie, look at you using big words," Jin replied teasingly as he looked in Guk's direction. "'It amplifies the chances.'""Shut up," Jeongguk said with a laugh, genuinely unbothered by the elder's comments and also hearing the sincerity and reality of what everyone was saying. It wasn't that they didn't want to help him and Tae, they just didn't know how to help them. And, Jeongguk thought to himself, I feel Jimin's comment about just repressing it is probably pretty spot on."What about Jackson?" Namjoon asked sometime later, pulling Jeongguk out of his thoughts once again, his head a scatter-brained mess tonight."Hm? What about him?""Well, aren't he and Mark in a similar situation?" Namjoon asked genuinely. "I mean, I know he likes Mark because he's told me and I know Mark is bisexual with a preference for men because he's told Tae, but they've been running circles around each other for years. If you are looking for advice, you might want to start there.""How is two people who aren't even together supposed to help them?" Yoongi asked with a huff, face flushed with annoyance. "That doesn't even make sense.""I barely even talk to Jackson anymore because we've been so busy," Namjoon admitted, looking guilty. "I barely talk to anyone outside of you guys these days to be honest, not unless they work for BigHit and have something to do with the new album. I really should reach out more, they could be together by now for all I know.”“I actually haven’t spoken to Yugyeom in a while either,” Jeongguk added, thinking of his friend and suddenly missing him more than he had realized.“Maybe you aren’t the only ones repressing things,” Jeongguk noted to no one in particular. “Sounds like we all need to be a little bit better about talking to each other and admitting when we need help.”“Wow,” Jin responded loudly from across the room. “I’m so proud! Our youngest son is growing up right before our eyes Namjoon!”“Why are we parents in this situation?” Joon asked genuinely, casting a displeased look around the room. “And who is the mother here?”“Tsk, tsk, Namjoon,” Jin retorted, shaking his head and clucking his tongue. “We just finished talking about all of the gay men in the room, why can’t we be two gay dads with five children? Hm? HM?”“There are so many things wrong with that statement,” Namjoon started after dropping his face into his hands, “that I legitimately don’t even know where to start in responding.”“Perfect! No response needed since I’m right anyways!” Jin replied gleefully, the pair drifting off into a heated debate about the merits of being father’s to five adopted sons. “To be clear,” Hobi raised after a few minutes of watching the two with an amused expression. “Jin would be the mom in that hypothetical situation right?”“Definitely,” Jimin agreed.“Namjoonie-ah would make for a much better mother,” Yoongi countered. “Much better at discipline, just like my eomma.”“Agreed,” Jeongguk noted with a nod of his head, feeling Tae shift in his arms again and looking down to find him gazing blearily up at him. “What did I miss?” Taehyung asked, throat scratchy. “Nothing important, let’s go to bed,” Jeongguk replied with a gentle smile, leaning forward and kissing him softly on his plump lips, enjoying the taste despite the dry texture. “Let’s get you some water as well.”“Mmm,” Taehyung hummed in agreement, allowing himself to be pulled up and tucked under Jeongguk’s arm as the pair readied to go to bed. “Goodnight everyone, love you, proud of us all.”“Love you too TaeTae!”“Love you loser.”“Love you sleepyhead.”“Sleep tight Tae, love you too.”“Love you brat, come see me tomorrow.”“Will do,” Tae responded with a yawn, eyes closed though he directed his response to the approximate area he had last seen Yoongi sitting. “Thanks for everything.”“Come on, let’s get you to bed” Jeongguk said softly, grabbing Tae’s other hand and pulling it across his own body so his boyfriend was wrapped completely around him as they began to walk towards the kitchen, turning back just as the pair started to go through the doors. “And thank you guys. I love you too. 22 daesangs and counting. Fighting!”"Fighting!" the remaining men echoed jubilantly, smiling at each other as they sunk further into the couch."It was a good day," Namjoon said finally, just as a yawn escaped through his lips."Yeah," Yoongi agreed. "Let's do it all again next year too, eh?"
February 16, 2018
Jeongguk slipped from their bed, careful not to disturb Tae who was miraculously sleeping for a change, something there had been very little of over the last few days.
It was hard not to admit that he was angry because of course he was, but his anger wasn't directed at his boyfriend, but at himself. Why had Taehyung wanted to disband the band over their relationship? Was he not doing enough to make their relationship worthwhile, even though it was hard sometimes? Did he make Taehyung feel bad about their relationship, is that why Tae hadn't told him about what was going on?
His thoughts plagued his mind as he padded down the hall to the kitchen, catching sight of the time and groaning quietly when he saw the numbers on the stove reading 3:34 a.m., much too early for him to be awake still considering the day they had later, but knowing very well that his mind was racing far too fast for him to be able to sleep anytime soon.
Flicking on the kettle, Jeongguk busied his hands with preparing himself a hot chocolate, eyes adjusting to the light in the kitchen before he noticed that the light under Yoongi's studio was also on, the room just off the kitchen. Turning back to the cabinets, Jeongguk grabbed down a second mug, hastily preparing a second cup as the kettle neared completion.
Pouring in the water and stirring thoroughly, Jeongguk wandered over to the pantry in search of mini marshmallows which he was happy to find, placing some on top of each cup and then grabbing some chocolate shavings for Yoongi's cup and chocolate syrup for his, liking the sweetness that would infiltrate his mouth when he took a sip.
Grabbing a cup in each hand, Jeongguk approached Yoongi's studio, realizing absent-mindedly that he couldn't open the door if his hands were full, causing him to hesitate briefly before eventually nudging the door with his foot gently, both so as to not scare the man inside, but also so that he wouldn't wake anyone else up in the dorm.
"Coming," Yoongi called from inside, opening the door with a confused expression before registering the tired look on Jeongguk's face and the mugs in his hands. "Ah, Jeongguk-ah. Come in."
"Thanks," Jeongguk replied gratefully, waiting for Yoongi to grab two coasters from his desk drawer and lay them out so he could put the drinks down, careful not to spill any around the thousands of dollars of production equipment that Yoongi had collected over the last few years.
"Can't sleep?" Yoongi guessed knowingly, though it was obvious by the bags under the younger man's eyes and the emotion that floated behind them. "What time is it anyways?"
"Just after 3:30," Jeongguk responded as he sank down into the other chair in the room, pushing back so he could lean his head against the wall. "So both too late and way too fucking early."
"Ah, I lost track of time," Yoongi said wistfully, though on the whole he seemed rather unbothered by that fact. "I was working on a song."
"Which one?" Jeongguk hummed, opening his eyes and frowning as he watched Yoongi devour his hot chocolate. "Do you even have feeling in your mouth, hyung? That drink is super hot."
"It's good, I like the burning feeling as it slides down my throat," Yoongi drawled, pulling his jacket tighter around his body. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, hyung," Jeongguk responded, letting his eyes fall closed, though it was more to avoid Yoongi's knowing gaze than it was to fall asleep.
"You have a lot on your mind I see," Yoongi noted, turning back to his screen and pushing a few buttons which Jeongguk watched with hooded eyes. "Is Tae sleeping finally?"
"Yeah," Jeongguk replied quietly, not directly answering either question. "I don't know how to help him."
"Do you need to?" Yoongi retorted, looking at him directly. "I know you are his partner, but you can't just magically make his feelings go away. You understand what he's going though to an extent, but I know you. I said some things I shouldn't have said the other day, but he needed to realize that his fear was directed at him, not us. It wasn't fair of him to put those thoughts into other people's heads, regardless if we had all been thinking of it."
"Have you really thought about it, hyung?" Jeongguk asked around the blockage in his throat, leaving the rest of Yoongi's comment for later, not sure what to say in response at this exact moment.
"Leaving?"
"Yeah."
Sighing, Yoongi turned away from the computer fully, pulling his feet up onto the chair to mimick Jeongguk's position, reminding the younger man of his hot chocolate who startled when he realized it was there, pulling it into his hands and cupping both sides of the mug as Yoongi carefully watched on, waiting until he had taken a sip and let out his telltale sigh before he continued.
"There are many things I like about being an idol," Yoongi started. "I've always loved music and the way it made me feel and doing that for other people and giving them something they can lean on, it helps me."
"But?"
"There are many parts of being an idol that sometimes make me question if it's worth it," Yoongi continued openly. "The grueling hours, the objectification, the change to our lifestyle. I can't remember the last time I walked down the street to get a coffee late at night. I used to do that all the time when I was younger, now I have to get someone else to do it for me or just stay inside. For people like me, sometimes these four walls can be more a curse than a blessing."
"Even now?" Jeongguk asked, alluding to the mental health issues he knew Yoongi faced, though the older man had never really gone into great detail about them.
"Even now," Yoongi confirmed. "Over the years I've learned how easy it is to get lost in your head if you are left alone for too long. Once you get it into your head that things are bad, it's so easy for your thoughts to spiral and morph unless you pull yourself out before you get too deep or before someone else pulls you out for you. At the end of the day, that's why being an idol IS worth it to me. I don't think I'd pull myself out most days otherwise."
"Do we help you with that?" Jeongguk asked quietly, surprised by Yoongi's openness, but not willing to disrupt it.
"Of course, Kooks," Yoongi said with a soft smile. "There are many times I've gotten so lost in my head that I can feel myself spiraling and then someone is knocking on my door asking me to go to lunch, or someone has a question about a song or are just coming to say hi with hot chocolate in the early hours of the morning. If I wasn't an idol, I'd probably be very alone having shut everyone I cared about out. You guys don't let me do that, you being here a perfect example."
"I can't see how I help you that much," Jeongguk answered sadly. "Lately it doesn't seem like I can help anyone."
"Guk," Yoongi called, waiting for the younger man to make eye contact before he looked up. "Two days ago I yelled at your partner because I disagreed with what he had said. And yet, here you are two days later sitting in my studio in the early hours of the morning, even though I yelled at him because you trust me and know that I will always look after you, right?"
"Yeah," Jeongguk admitted. "I always come to you."
"That means more to me than anything, Gukkie. Reasons like this make me want to live in the real world as much as possible because I have something to live for. This is why I write music, because I know that somewhere, someone is listening to my words and it makes a difference because it's what they needed to hear in that exact moment. Much like you coming to me when you are struggling," Yoongi replied quietly, leaning forward and placing a hand on Jeongguk's thigh. "You being here is enough for me."
"Wow," Jeongguk said wetly, furrowing his brows as he tried to swallow around the sincerity of Yoongi's words which had evoked an incredibly strong emotional reaction in him, one that he knew he wouldn't be able to explain.
"I know you are struggling right now," Yoongi continued. "You are wrapping up your feelings with Tae's feelings and you aren't sure how to differentiate them and that's okay. Obviously his feelings have to do with you and that's really tough. But unless his fears are legitimately your fears, then you need to find a way to keep them separated."
"Do you think I am enough for him?" Jeongguk asked after several minutes had passed, trying to find his voice again to voice his number one fear, one that had started creeping up a few weeks back as Tae's fears had started presenting themselves. "Do you think I make him happy?"
"I KNOW you make him happy, Guk," Yoongi said with a disbelieving shake of his head. "You aren't the only one that comes here late at night sometimes."
"That doesn't answer the question though, Yoonz."
"Guk, Taehyung loves you more than literally anything in this entire world. More than being an idol, more than Tannie as hard as that may be to believe, more than himself sometimes I think. You are more than good enough for him. Taehyung's fears, what he said the other night. That has more to do with his own self-love. He knows you love him, he's happy in your relationship. But he reads what people say about him and he gets into his head. Honestly sometimes I think we should just ban him from going online, he gets so insecure about it. His self-worth needs to be defined by him, not the people around him. But loving him, complimenting him, being there for him. At the end of the day that will help him because he'll see that he's worth that love. The rest of it, that will come with time."
"I just wish there was a magic button I could push to take all of his fears away," Jeongguk replied after some time, his voice quiet, but his thoughts deep. "Or like, a special place I could take him for just me and him to be together so he didn't have to worry, a place of happiness and magic and togetherness. A magic shop."
"Sounds like a song," Yoongi noted, slowly reaching into his desk and grabbing out a pad of paper and a pen, pushing it gently down the desk until it rested in front of Jeongguk, seeing his mind racing and knowing full well what was about to happen.
"It does, yeah," Jeongguk answered. "I have these lyrics in my head, they don't really make sense on their own, but I like them."
"What are they?" Yoongi asked, catching the younger man's eye and subtly looking over at the pen and paper, watching as Jeongguk turned and after a moment of hesitation started scribbling.
"I always have this thought in my head that I want to show Tae the love he needs and he'll show me his love. Same with his struggles. If he shows me his then I can show him mine and we can be stronger together."
"Mhmm?" Yoongi pushed, moving closer to see what Jeongguk was scribbling, though currently it was just words, more prompts than actual lyrics.
"I'd want the chorus to be followed by those words. So show me, I show you. They'd probably repeat a few times. But not in a sad way, I think the song would be really uplifting, like a love story I guess? Or more like, hey I get it, thanks for showing me? Does that sound stupid?"
"Not at all," Yoongi said with a smile, reaching out and touching the back of Jeongguk's head. "Okay, so does that come before or after the main chorus?"
"Hm, after I think," Jeongguk decided after looking back down at the lyrics he had written out. "The chorus should be about those struggles I think."
"Well, start writing," Yoongi said with a gummy smile when the younger man turned to look at him, his eyes lighting up for the first time in days, both men finding solace in their song-writing.
"Will you help me, hyung?" Jeongguk asked. "If I write it, would you help me turn it into a song, even if it doesn't make it onto the album or anything?"
"I'm already creating a new file," Yoongi said with a wink, turning back to his computer and opening up a new project in the software he was working on, titling it "JEONGGUK LOVE SONG," before saving it to a folder on his desktop for easy access. "When you're ready it will be in here okay? You can come work on it whenever."
"Thanks Yoonz," Jeongguk said with a smile, his eyes alight with excitement. "I needed this."
As the hours ticked by and both men started to yawn, Yoongi found himself leaning over Jeongguk's shoulder every now and then, making suggestions for phrasing and order, but generally sitting back and waiting for the lyrics to write themselves. As the clock struck six, Yoongi smiled when he saw the words written towards the bottom of the page, a beautiful closer to a beautiful song that brought a warmth to his heart that he would deny if anyone ever asked.
"You gave me the best of me
So you’ll give you the best of you
You found me, you recognized me
You gave me the best of me
So you’ll give you the best of you
So I’ll find you, the galaxy that’s inside of you"
This will make the album for sure Kookie, Yoongi thought as he read the lyrics over and over. It's a great song. You did good.
February 28, 2018
"Gukkie," Yoongi called as they entered into the dorm, Namjoon and Yoongi having just gotten home from BigHit studios."Hello!" Jeongguk called from down the hall, appearing a moment later with Tae in tow, the two wearing each other's clothes. "How was the studio?""Good," Joon answered for both of them, "I think the album is shaping up really nicely. Tae, wanna come to my studio for a bit? I wanted to show you something.""Sure," Tae answered in a gruff voice which caused both Yoongi and Namjoon to smirk, knowing exactly what that voice was usually from. "You good babe?""Yup," Jeongguk said with a smile, leaning forward to give his boyfriend an Eskimo kiss. "Have fun!""Actually, Guk," Yoongi said after Namjoon and Tae had turned to leave. "I had something to show you too. Are you busy?""Nope!" Jeongguk replied happily, happier than Yoongi had seen him in awhile, though that may have to do with what had just occurred before they got home than genuine happiness."Come on," Yoongi motioned, kicking his shoes off before waltzing into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water for each of them as he led the younger man into his studio, sitting down at his computer in silence as he booted everything up, having just gotten permission from Bang PD a few hours previous."What is it?" Jeongguk asked excitedly as he leaned forward, bouncing up and down in his seat, tilting his head as Yoongi pulled open the file they had been working on, brows coming together when he recognized the multiple layers of sounds that hadn't been there the last time he had looked."Wait," Jeongguk started, realization dawning on him. "You finished it?""I think so, yeah," Yoongi said with a smile. "I had everyone record their lines without giving them any context the other day, I've spent the last few nights putting it together based on all of the notes you had for the song and the melody you came up with. Actually, you had so many notes you basically produced the entire thing.""Oh my god," Jeongguk whispered in disbelief, staring at the screen with a complicated emotion. "Can I listen?""Of course.""What's it called?" Jeongguk asked as he pulled the offered headsets over his ears, waiting for the older man to do the same and settle down."It's called Magic Shop, Gukkie. And as of an hour ago, it's going to be on our next album."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
March 1, 2019
Taehyung [5:52]Hi hyungMark [6:15]Taehyung?Hi! Hey man, it's so good to hear from you!It's been too longTaehyung [6:17]It has, I'm sorry hyungHow are u?Mark [6:21]I'm good! Really good. Tired. But good.How are you?Taehyung [6:23]Erm. I'm ok?Mark [6:25]Is something wrong?Taehyung [6:26]Erm.Yeah. Can I...Can I call u?Mark [6:27]Yeah man, give me like...5-10 minutesWe are just finishing upTaehyung [6:28]Ok, thank u...Mark [6:47]Sorry, call wheneverHeaded to the car now ***"Taehyung!" Mark answered enthusiastically the second he picked up the phone, pulling a grin to the younger man's face as he tucked his feet up underneath him on the bed."Hi Mark-hyung," Taehyung laughed, smiling despite his foul mood. "It's nice to hear your voice.""Same man!" Mark replied cheerfully, rustling something in the background. "Fack, hold on, let me get into the car and then I can connect you to Bluetooth."While Taehyung waited for the older man to get himself sorted, he found himself looking around the room, eyes falling on Jeongguk's sweater which had been tossed haphazardly over the chair earlier that morning, long before the two had gotten into an argument that had pushed the younger out of the room and away from the dorm for the remainder of the day."Sorry about that, can you still hear me?" Mark asked, his voice slightly tinnier than it had been before, evidence enough that he had switched to the in-vehicle speaker system."Yeah, I can hear you hyung," Taehyung confirmed, leaning back against the wall and letting out a sigh that he hoped the elder hadn't picked up. "Tell me about your day.""When you texted earlier it sounded like you had something specific you wanted to talk about," Mark noted astutely, though there was no accusation in his tone."I do," Taehyung agreed, voice contemplative. "But me wanting to talk about what's going on doesn't mean I want to hear about your day any less, you are still my friend. So tell me, how are you? Tell me about Mark.""Well," Mark laughed, voice still light. "Mark is good. We are having another comeback in about two months so we've been doing a lot of recording, a lot of studio work changing up some songs that aren't quite right and then more dance practices then I care to admit. You know how it is of course.""I do," Taehyung laughed, closing his eyes as he tilted his head back over the top of the headboard. "Is it just me or does practice just never end?""It just never ends! I'm pretty sure when they bury me my tombstone's going to say 'Here lies Mark Tuan, he died in practice, 1993-2072.""Morbid," Taehyung chuckled, shaking his head at the image of 79-year-old Mark at dance practice that had just popped into his head."But true," Mark countered. "Hopefully I still get to be doing what I love when I am that old.""You will, you're a passionate guy.""Says the guy who said that with about as much enthusiasm as a rock," Mark deadpanned, tone teasing. "Whatever's going on really has you weighed down, hey?""A little," Taehyung answered quietly, closing his eyes and looking away from the phone, though it did little to quell the uneasiness that was spinning around in his stomach. "It's all just...been a bit much lately.""Hm," Mark hummed, settling into silence on the other end of the phone. "I know this is a little last minute, but have you eaten yet?""No?" Taehyung answered, sitting forward a bit, curiousity piqued."Alright, get dressed, I'm about 35 minutes away from your dorm. I'm coming to get you and I'm taking you for dinner, my treat. I haven't heard you this serious in a long time, so I'm staging an intervention.""I don't need an intervention," Taehyung huffed, pouting dramatically. "But I am hungry.""Yeah, yeah, whatever you say big shot," Mark laughed. "Get dressed, we'll order some food and go back to my apartment for the night. You can tell me about whatever is going on when I get there, how does that sound?""That sounds nice hyung," Taehyung admitted after a moment, swallowing down around the blockage in his throat, not realizing how much he had missed the elder until that moment. "Thank you.""No thanks needed, I'm excited to see you when I get there. I'll call when I am close. See you in a bit Tae!""Bye hyung," Taehyung replied, ending the call and standing from the bed, smiling to himself as he got himself ready, coming back into the room 20 minutes later after a quick shower and a shave, pulling on a pair of pants and a t-shirt before last second grabbing Jeongguk's sweater off the back of the chair and tugging it over his wet mop, breathing in the scent of his partner, comforting even in the disarray that was their last conversation."Hey Namjoon-hyung?" Taehying called out as he walked down the hall, having heard the older man busying himself in the kitchen a few minutes previous."Hey Tae, what's up?" Namjoon smiled as Taehyung entered the room, the younger noting the cut up fruit on the counter before him and chuckling to himself to see his hyung making yet another smoothie, one of the only things in his very short repertoire of food items he could actually put together."I just wanted to let you know I was heading out," Tae started, keeping his face neutral when he caught the look of surprise that spread across Namjoon's visage. "Mark-hyung is coming to pick me up, we are going to go back to his apartment for the night.""Wow," Namjoon replied, nodding more to himself as he carefully lifted the cutting board of fruit above the blender lip and using the knife in his other hand to push the ingredients in. "It's been awhile since you've seen him.""Too long," Taehyung agreed, looking away awkwardly. "Jeongguk told me that you had suggested reaching out the other day when you were all talking while I was asleep. I wasn't going to do it...""But?""Jeongguk and I got into an argument this morning," Taehyung sighed, leaning against the fridge and dropping his head back. "We fight so infrequently too that whenever it does happen it's just so draining. I feel like I'm going crazy some days hyung, I hate it.""I know Tae," Namjoon answered soothingly, putting everything in his hands down on the counter and walking over to place a comforting hand on his shoulder, forgoing finishing his smoothie to take care of his younger brother. "You and Jeongguk will be fine and you know that. I think it's a really good idea to get an outside perspective, especially from someone like Mark who is both your friend and someone who is possibly going through the same thing. Have you told Jeongguk that you are going out with him?""No," Taehyung admitted, looking down abashedly. "Do you think I should?""Yes," Namjoon replied simply, walking back over and starting up the blender causing Taehyung to jump, laughing when he did so. "You know he worries about you. I'm not asking you to make up right away or anything, that's between you two, but at least let him know you are okay and where you are. I'm sure he'll appreciate it.""Yeah, you're right," Taehyung sighed, pulling out his phone at the same time that the device started to vibrate indicating an incoming call, Namjoon watching as the younger answered quickly, conversing with the person on the other end and then smiling lightly as he agreed to meet his friend downstairs by the gate so the elder didn't have to get through security."Have fun, yeah?" Namjoon encouraged as Taehyung turned to start walking away, hesitating for a moment before stepping forward and half-hugging the taller man. "Let me know if you plan to stay over, we don't have anything scheduled until 10 tomorrow so I don't mind if you end up spending the night, just keep me posted and make sure to get a good night's sleep, okay?""Thank you hyung," Taehyung smiled in response, pulling away from the hug, though his eyes looked brighter than when the conversation first started. "I'll let Jeongguk know where I am if you can tell everyone else? Goodnight hyung.""Will do, be safe!" Namjoon called as he watched Taehyung turning and leaving the room, waiting until he heard the younger closing the front door behind him before he started the blender up to finish making his smoothie as he muttered to himself. "Ah, what a strange one that Taehyung. What a strange one indeed." *** Taehyung [7:25]Hi.Going out with a friend.Might be staying the night.Love u Kook.Let me know when u are ready to talk.
March 2, 2018
A singular tear slipped down his cheek as he listened to the melody serenading his senses, the lyrics on the page in front of him blurring through his continued tears as his emotions began to wash over him, quietly bringing his hands up to his eyes to block out the rest of the room, the lyrics too poignant, though he knew he couldn't say anything to bring attention to that fact.
You know that I can't
Show you me
Give you me
I can't show you my weakness
So I'm putting on a mask to go see you
But I still want you
He wanted to believe that he was too overtired right now, that the nightmares that had been plaguing his mind for the last few weeks were what was causing his quiet breakdown at the back of the room.
In reality though, Taehyung knew that it was just the lyrics themselves, that the story being told on the page before him was one that hit too close to home, that the pain he felt in his heart whenever his hyungs cast a furtive look in his direction, when Jeongguk nestled down beside him with no intention of closing his eyes until Taehyung himself had fallen asleep, when everyone went out of their way to not only not talk about their conversation, but also to not talk to him, suddenly it was all too much if the tears tracking down his cheeks were any indication.
I'm afraid
So pathetic
I'm so afraid
In the end, will you leave me too?
So I'm putting on a mask to go see you
Taehyung was glad for the grainy nature of the connection as he pushed back quietly from the table, Steve's eyes closed on the other end of the Skype call as his fingers flitted through the air in time with the beat drops, a composer at the front of the room as he led the band through their latest collaboration.
On either side of him, Jeongguk and Jimin both lay with their heads leaning on their arms which were crossed in front of them on the table, eyes enraptured with the words that flashed across the screen, so focused on their own parts of the new song they didn't notice as Taehyung fled from the room, barely suppressed sobs bubbling just under the surface.
"What do you think, hyung?" Jeongguk asked some time later, frowning in surprise and standing abruptly when he turned to address the empty seat between Jimin and he, eyes frantically searching the room, barely registering the words of concern being directed at him from the other end of the call, heartbeat pulsing loudly in his ears as he looked to the others for any indication to where his partner was.
"Sit down, Jeongguk-ah," their manager called harshly, stepping forward to draw his attention to him. "I'll go find Taehyung-ah, sit, we don't have much time with Mr. Aoki, please don't waste his time."
"But-"
"No," their manager cut in harsher than before. "We are incredibly lucky to be given a second chance to work with Mr. Aoki, he could give this song to anyone, but he chose to give it to you guys. Mr. Aoki doesn't have all day and Taehyung's meltdowns will not interfere with the rest of you learning this song, do I make myself clear?"
Jeongguk tensed as his manager finished scolding him, his gaze sharp though he wisely held his tongue, partially because of Steve who had gone quiet, but largely because of the other five gazes that were being directed his way, knowing that opening his mouth would only make things worse than they already were.
"I'll go find Taehyung-ah," a voice broke through the tension that had settled over the room a moment later, a frown pulling on Jeongguk's lips as he turned to look at Yoongi who had a thoughtful expression on his face while he waited for everyone to focus on him.
"As you said nim, we don't want to waste Steve's time and this is a rare song in which I am not involved, so my need to be here is less than yours. Please, carry on, I'll go and return with Taehyung-ah."
"Ah, thank you Yoongi-yah," their manager said appreciatively, bowing in thanks, already apologizing to Steve as he straightened up, though Jeongguk distinctly caught the "little brat" that he had muttered under his breath before he did so, hands curling into fists at his side instinctively.
"Gukkie, sit down," Jimin hissed, grabbing at Jeongguk's fist and pulling him down into the seat beside him. "You'll just make it worse for him if you don't, just try and pretend to pay attention, okay? I'll update you when we get back to the dorm if you can't."
"Mhmm," Jeongguk hummed darkly, ignoring the daggers Namjoon was throwing at him from the adjacent table, eyes focused forward as he scanned the lyrics on the screen, thinking back over the last few weeks over the remainder of the meeting as he thought of what it had been that had triggered his partner, though his eyes settled heavily on the "will you leave me too" on the page in front of him as his mind wandered off.
***
Despite their growth, the BigHit office building wasn't the biggest in the world and was shared with enough other businesses that there were only a few places Taehyung could or would realistically go while upset, which is why Yoongi headed directly for the alcove on the 17th floor to start, unsurprised when he heard sniffles as he neared.
The alcove, a favourite of Taehyung's, lay nestled against the side of the building, an open space in front of a floor to ceiling window that Taehyung had been found at enough times that the company had eventually been forced to install a bench against the window, though Yoongi largely believed it was more for appearances sake of taking care of their artists than it was any actual form of goodwill.
Frowning to himself as he neared, Yoongi allowed himself a moment of frustration before carefully schooling his features just before the younger man came into view, shoes tucked neatly under the bench and legs pulled to his chest as he sobbed into the tops of his knees, completely unaware of Yoongi's impending arrival.
"Hello Taehyung-ah," Yoongi hummed quietly to alert the other of his presence, sitting down on the other end of the bench and leaning back against the wall so that he was facing Taehyung completely, the window on his left which he spent a few minutes looking out of as Taehyung continued to cry, the younger not having acknowledged his earlier greeting, though Yoongi knew to just wait him out.
"How much trouble am I in?" Taehyung sniffed, looking up with red-rimmed eyes some time later.
"We'll deal with that when the time comes," Yoongi said evasively, not meeting the younger's gaze. "Can you explain to me why you suddenly decided to run from the room Taehyung-ah? That's not like you at all, what were you thinking?"
"I'm sorry hyung," Tae whispered, flinching at the obvious anger in the elder's tone. "I....I'm sorry."
"Tae," Yoongi sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back to look up at the ceiling. "I'm frustrated at you right now, but I'm not mad at you. I need you to talk to me."
"Everything I say makes things worse."
"That's not true and you know it," Yoongi reprimanded coldly, hearing the ice in his tone and sighing loudly, taking a few seconds to warm up his words before continuing. "Okay, that's not fair, but saying that is only you feeling sorry for yourself Taehyung. I can be frustrated at you and still want the best for you, it doesn't have to be two mutually exclusive things."
"I'm sorry hyung," Taehyung repeated, pulling his face out from between his legs and sitting up straighter, though his body was still mostly curled in on itself.
"I..." Yoongi sighed, biting his tongue before scolding the younger. "Just talk to me okay, brother to brother. Why did you leave Taehyung-ah?"
"'s stupid," Taehyung mumbled, dropping his head back between his knees, his voice thick with emotion, tone deep.
"It's not stupid if it matters to you, Taehyung-ah," Yoongi replied gently, leaning forward and placing a hand on the other's knee, hoping the gesture would come across as comforting. "I didn't see you leave, how about we start there. Can you tell me what happened?"
"The lyrics," Taehyung noted quietly, Yoongi almost missing them entirely.
"What about the lyrics?" Yoongi asked, lapsing into silence as he waited Taehyung out, seeing the pensive expression on the younger's face from his vantage point leaning over him, remaining where he was as Tae seemed to be leaning into his presence slightly.
"It's so hard," Taehyung answered some time later, after the silence had stretched so long that Yoongi was scared to lean back in case it broke the connection his hand on the other man's knee had somehow created. "I just want to be with him hyung. I just want to hold his hand, kiss him when he's being cute, stand next to him and not have to worry all the time."
"Mhmm?" Yoongi pushed, the 'him' in question coming to mind as the elder considered the hurt expression on the maknae's face when he had left the room, eyes following.
"It's such a beautiful song," Taehyung continued, sitting up properly and looking Yoongi in the eyes. "But the lyrics feel like someone is grabbing my heart and squeezing it in my chest."
"Oh Tae," Yoongi cooed softly, moving properly across the bench to pull Taehyung into his arms as a fresh bout of tears paraded down his cheeks before he had even finished speaking, a quiet sob slipping past his chapped lips. "Let it out tiger, it's okay."
As the younger man started to cry, Yoongi shifted the two of them so that he was leaning back against the glass, Taehyung's face borrowed into the crook of his neck, one hand grabbing onto the elder's chest, while the other was wrapped around his waist, the younger shifting until his legs were also in the elder's lap, Yoongi only moving to pull them closer as he whispered sweet nothings into Taehyung's hair as he cried.
"You haven't called me tiger in such a long time," Taehyung whispered many minutes later, sniffling loudly and making Yoongi jerk in surprise as hair tickled the top of his collarbone, exposed through the V in his neckline, a quiet chuckle escaping both of their lips when Yoongi realized what it had been.
"Sorry," Yoongi sighed, though his voice was fond and he wasn't really sure which part he was apologizing for. "You're right though. It has been a long time."
"Jeongguk's birthday."
"Hm?"
"That was the last time you called me tiger," Taehyung said quietly. "We were waiting to surprise him with my gift, you told me 'go get em, tiger.' Then you laughed for being so cheesy and using my nickname."
"You remembered," Yoongi replied in awe, brows furrowing slightly.
"It makes me happy to hear you say tiger," Taehyung admitted. "It makes me feel safe. You've been calling me that since I was a kid."
"You're still a kid," Yoongi huffed, though his laugh was tinged with fondness. "You'll always be my little kid brother, even when we're 80."
"Will you still be around me when we're 80 hyung?" Taehyung asked genuinely, pulling back slightly so that he and the elder could make eye contact, his eyes glassy as he waited for Yoongi to speak.
"Far beyond that too, lil tiger. Brothers for this life and every one after it too."
"Oh hyung," Taehyung whimpered, throwing himself back into Yoongi's arms, clutching him so tightly it hurt, though the elder didn't have the heart to ask him to loosen up, content to hold him through his tears as long as he needed.
"Now are you going to talk to me about everything or am I going to have to bribe you?" Yoongi asked cautiously a few minutes later, casually carding his fingers through Taehyung's messy locks.
"Everything feels so raw lately," Taehyung started with a sigh, jumping right into the story much to the elder's surprise, though after casting a quick look at his wrist as he shifted he realized he had already been with the younger for over 15 minutes.
"Since the fight?"
"Longer," Taehyung whispered, ashamed to admit as much. "It's been bothering me since Christmas."
"What happened at Christmas?" Yoongi questioned, furrowing his brows as he tried to think back a few months, though nothing immediately came to mind which made him think it had happened when Taehyung had been alone with his family.
"It's-"
"I dare you to say it's stupid," Yoongi interjected, flashing a steely look down at the younger in his arms who at least had the decency to flush at his words before turning to look away. "If it matters to you, it's not stupid. Now spill."
"Yes hyung," Taehyung muttered, pulling out of the elder's grasp so he could sit up, legs still in place over top of Yoongi's own, rubbing at the eyes with the backs of his sweater covered hands, drying the leftover moisture there while he gathered his thoughts.
"There was this one day," Taehyung started, looking up at Yoongi briefly to make sure he had his attention before averting his gaze. "My brother was being really annoying so I was texting Jeongguk to cheer me up. Not long after my niece came over and she was so cute and she was playing with me all afternoon and it really cheered me up."
"Mhmm," Yoongi hummed, just to show that he was listening.
"A little bit later we were eating dinner and I was helping my niece with her food. My brother...I don't really know what got into him, he was being so mean the whole time hyung. I asked him to stop and he told me to mind my own business, so I went back to helping my niece. But then later, just as dinner was about to finish up, he told me I shouldn't get so excited around kids since I'll never have my own and then he ran off to his room."
"He didn't..." Yoongi said disbelieving, his body tensing despite actively trying to keep himself calm.
"It was so uncalled for," Taehyung whined, his voice cracking with emotion, though his eyes stayed clear. "I tried to play it off, but then that night when I went to bed it was all I could think about. The next day too, he made another comment about how it's dumb to keep texting Jeongguk all day because we could never spend Christmas together anyways so what was the point if our lives were so separate and...it really hurt hyung..."
"Your brother is a little shit," Yoongi retorted, eyes flashing red briefly, though the younger missed it as he winced away from the harsh words. "I know he's your blood, but if he doesn't support you what good is he to you?"
"That's-"
"True," Yoongi bit off, stopping Taehyung in his tracks. "Your entire family is supportive of you and Jeongguk, so are Guk's. What's your brother's problem?"
"He's always been like this," Tae admitted after allowing his jaw to drop open several times before settling on his answer. "Whatever I think, he thinks the opposite."
"That doesn't excuse what he said though Tae."
"Maybe not, but he said it anyways. So..."
"And why do you believe him?" Yoongi asked astutely, watching the younger carefully.
"It's not that I believe him," Taehyung said evasively, not meeting his elder's eye. "But he's not wrong either."
"About what exactly?"
"All of it," Tae whispered, voice going raw once more with emotion. "We aren't out. We'll never be out as long as we are still idols. Which means no kids. No shared holidays. I don't want to be 45 and just starting to have kids hyung. I want a family with him. I want a life with him. A real one, not a behind the scenes one. My brother is right about that at least, that's not something I can have with Jeongguk. Not right now."
"But not right now doesn't mean not ever," Yoongi replied quietly, shifting on the bench to extradite his left leg from underneath his right thigh, shaking it to regain feeling after it had gone numb from disuse. "I still don't agree with you on a lot of what you said last month. It's not my place to make a decision for you two..."
"But?"
"The world is changing Tae," Yoongi said seriously, reaching out to lift said man's chin higher so the two were making direct eye contact. "I have to believe that things are changing, for your sake, his sake and for my own. Jimin's too. Even if we're not all in relationships right now, I know you're about to say that even the others have it hard being in the positions that we are and that's true. But at some point you need to just live, no matter the consequences."
"It's so selfish," Taehyung whispered in response, lip quivering. "I want to believe you hyung, I do. But I can't risk everything we worked so hard to build. Not yet. Not now. You heard our manager, he thinks we might do a stadium tour next year. A stadium tour hyung! Can you imagine that many people all in one place? For us??"
"No, I can't," Yoongi admitted, the corner of his lips turning up at the light that had returned to Tae's eyes as he spoke about the larger concerts they were rumoured to be planning.
"As much as I want to just say, 'it's okay, this is the real me,' I can't hyung. Not now. Maybe not ever."
"You need to promise me something," Yoongi replied more seriously than before, lapsing into silence long enough to know he had Taehyung's full undivided attention before he continued. "Not now...that makes sense. I get what you are saying with that. But don't you ever tell yourself that you can't be who you are fully one day. You deserve more than behind the scenes kisses and dorm dates and you will have that one day. Maybe not now, I can see why you might want to wait, but you should never live life thinking that it's a not ever situation. It's not. It will be okay Tae. I promise tiger. It's okay. Maybe not now, but it will be."
"Do you really believe that hyung?" Tae questioned, face full of complex emotions.
"I do Tae. Not now, but one day. We WILL find our way out where we can be happy and in the meantime, you still have Jeongguk. He's next to you. Maybe not always, but you wake up to him every morning and go to bed with him every night. I know you want those inbetween moments too, but let's get you there okay? Like you said, it won't be today. But it will happen."
"It's just hard hyung," Taehyung muttered. "I feel so fake hiding from our fans. Just think of how many people we could help coming out."
"Hurting yourself in the process doesn't make it worth it though Tae," Yoongi chided gently. "Will you be okay to wait, until at least next year if that's what you want?"
"I think so," Taehyung answered finally after a long period of deliberation. "Like you said, not now. But not, not ever."
"Exactly," Yoongi smiled, rubbing Taehyung's hair fondly. "Also, that made my brain hurt."
"Everything makes your brain hurt," Taehyung teased, jumping off the bench to avoid Yoongi's deft fingers, already curled into pinching formation.
"Yah, you brat! Come all this way to talk some sense to you and all I get is sass!"
"Thank you hyung, I love you," Tae retorted, though for the first time in days a genuine smile graced his lips as he did so. "Thanks for coming after me."
"I'll always come after you, you brat," Yoongi said as he stood and stretched, placing his hands on his hips, pushing out his lower back, much like that of an elderly woman. "Though at least give me a head's up next time."
"Yes hyung," Tae replied softly, smile softening with it. "I'm going to be in so much trouble when we go back."
"Most likely," Yoongi conceded. "But i'll see what I can do to get him to go easy on you."
"Thank you, hyung."
"And Tae?" Yoongi called, the younger turning back from where he had started to walk down the hall, hands shoved deep into his pockets.
"Yes hyung?"
"The song really is beautiful," Yoongi said carefully, keeping his tone neutral. "Maybe this song could be a good thing for you. Even if you cry every time you sing it."
"I really think I would," Tae admitted, eyes widening a bit at the thought.
"Like I said, maybe it will do you some good, get some of that pent up emotion out."
"Why is that a good thing?" Tae asked curiously as Yoongi fell in line with him as they started to make their way back to the meeting room.
"You might have to hide your relationship for a bit longer, but you don't need to hide your emotions completely lil tiger," Yoongi hummed, more to himself than to the younger. "You never know which of our fans you'll help just by being moved by your own lyrics."
"I see," Tae said understandingly, having gone back to his usual short responses, expression thoughtful. "Maybe it will hyung."
"Yeah tiger, maybe it will."
"Hyung?"
"Yeah Tae?"
"We should call it The Truth Untold. I think that would be a good name for the song."
"I think that would be a great name Tae. A great name."
Present
Jeongguk [11:47]goodnight Taehave fun with MarkJoon told melove ucome home soonmiss uOhu took my sweatersleep tight handsometalk tomorrow