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“How come you only want what you can’t have?”Pamela’s words echo in Dean’s mind. It’s all he can think about whenever he manages to ignore Michael bashing at the walls of his mind. He knows what he wants, what he’s always wanted. But he’s kept it locked up so tight, and shoved down so deep for so long that not even Michael, who thought he’d had access to all of Dean’s mind, had been able to see it.Dean wanted
Cas. Always had. Always would. No matter how hard he tried to suppress it.
Billie gives him the book. It says the only ending in which he beats Michael is the one where he tells Cas how he feels, what he wants, and Cas kisses him back for a glorious moment and Dean forgets all about his worries, his pains,
everything
because Cas is kissing him backAnd that’s when Michael breaks free, finally able to wiggle the screwdriver out of the door handle and kick the door open.He kills Castiel. Picks him up by the throat, slams him against the nearest surface, and smites the life out of him. Castiel’s eyes glow ice blue and his wings imprint on the walls.Dean screams Castiel’s name watching as his own fingers squeeze Castiel’s throat, his own palm presses against Castiel’s forehead.He knows this is his only choice. It’s this, or let the world die. And as much as he wants to let the world die so he can live the rest of his life with Cas as his best friend, and only his friend, he knows he won’t. He knows Cas wouldn’t want him to.And so he gives in. Gives himself some time to work up to it. Lets a few months go by where all they do is hunt monsters and rid the world of Michael’s creations.But the time comes.They’re on a run of the mill hunt, after a few errant vampires, and Dean vows that he’ll be strong enough. Strong enough to resist the urge to kiss Cas after he almost gets killed when he fumbles his angel blade and the vamp he’s fighting recovers it. Strong enough to hold Michael in for just a little bit longer, so he can have more time with Cas alive.He’s not strong enough. Cas is bloody but whole and alive and vital, and they’re drawn together like the earth to the moon and when their lips meet, universes explode into life in an instant. Cas kisses him back, and Dean forgets. Forgets Pamela and her words, forgets Billie and her book, forgets Michael and the goddamn screwdriver.By the time he remembers, it’s too late, and all he can do is mumble,
“I’m sorry, I love you, Cas.”Michael escapes.Castiel dies.Dean, blinded by rage, finally has the strength to shove Michael back into the cage and crush it.Michael is gone for good.Castiel is gone for good.Dean might as well be gone for good. He starts drinking and going on hunts alone, pushing Sam and Jack away. He loses control. He dies on a hunt not three months after Castiel’s death.In heaven, he lives with a facsimile of Castiel and sometimes it’s enough to let him forget.Sometimes he’d rather be in hell...........The last thing Castiel sees before he dies are Dean’s beautiful golden green eyes taken over first by a look of pain, then by the glowing blue of Michael’s grace. He’d kissed Dean, and something had happened and Michael had broken free. And now there was nothing but black.“Well, well, well,” a voice says from the darkness, “welcome home, Castiel.”