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“You can’t be serious,” Pansy breathes out in disbelief. “A divorce?”Draco is in their cottage in Dublin. He is sitting in his favorite armchair, gaze unfocused on the fireplace (a muggle one, disconnected from the floo network because Harry liked the warmth it provides), a glass of bourbon in his hand and an almost empty bottle in the coffee table. He feels lonely, this doesn’t feel like home anymore. Not without Harry beside him. Snuggling together and taking about everything and anything, sharing soft caresses and sweet kisses. He remembers teaching Harry how to dance in this living room, fun nights with friends, movie nights, even making love in this same armchair, but none of that matters now. “Yes,” Draco answers after some time, and then takes another gulp of his drink “He asked me to let him go. He wants to move on.” At first, he couldn't even register what Harry said, he couldn't give them meaning because his husband asked him to meet on a restaurant and he was over the moon. He asked, for the first time since the accident and Draco was exited. He should have known better though, he has never had the best of luck. He froze for what seemed like an eternity and felt his heart breaking, but then he agreed, what else could he do? If Harry wanted to leave, he would do it one way or another. At least he didn’t disappear on him. “What do you mean?…how? Why?” she was in shock, they were so happy together. It was just so… “I thought that things were getting better that you’ve been working on your relationship, getting to know each other again and solving the memory problem.” And indeed, what a problem it was. The memory problem, the now constant presence looming over their marriage consuming and destroying them. It has been months since the accident, when Harry woke up in the hospital bruised and disoriented, with no memory of the last six years of his life - his husband included.This situation was ridiculous, he lost his husband because of a bloody snitch. They were playing Quidditch for hours when it started to pour, the snitch appeared and Harry that idiot Gryffindor went after it trying to pull a risky manoeuvre, and one of the new players somehow put himself in the way and Harry tried to avoid colliding with him and he slipped, lost control, and fell and hit his head. He didn’t wake up for 3 days, the worst 3 days of Draco’s life and when he finally did, he wasn’t his husband anymore, they were Potter and Malfoy.Draco was so relieved to see those gorgeous green eyes again that he thought everything would be alright. The healers said he would get his memories back in a couple of days and they could continue their life. Well...it didn’t work out as plannned. His glass is empty, and he tries to reach for the bottle, but he misses. Pansy is there and she catches it before it falls and refills his glass. “I thought so, too. But how do you react to the man you love telling you he doesn’t want anything to do with you. At least he tried, he doesn’t remember our good times, but our Hogwarts years are fresh in his mind. For all I know he could hate me, but he still tried…” he admits very quietly and a tear escapes from his eye. Malfoy’s don’t cry he thinks, and he feels foolish, but this is the only way he knows he can hold himself together. “So… what’s going to happen now?” Pansy asks carefully, she only remembers Draco crying in front of her twice once when they were about four and he fell of a tree and the second after the trials when he didn’t go to Azkaban. He was the strongest person she knew, and he was breaking apart.Draco’s quiet for a very long time. “I am moving back here, he will stay with the Weasleys” he is fighting down the bitterness that’s welling up in him. He is trying to reign his emotions and Pansy can see how much it costs him “He wants to try again,” he takes a deep breath to calm himself, but his voice still breaks a little “he wants to try again with her” “What?” she can't believe it.He swallows hard because his throat’s getting thick and his eyes are starting to prickle. But he won’t cry in front of her. Malfoy’s don’t cry, Malfoy’s don’t cry, Malfoy’s don’t cryhe repeats like a mantra “Ginevra and Harry have reconnected, they are ‘in love’” Draco shrugs, looks to the ceiling and softly says. “It’s not fair. Why does he remembers being engaged to heryears ago and can't remember me! I'm his husband! Why could he fall in love with her and not with me” He can feel Pansy staring at him, and he feels himself break, he starts crying and he cannot stop, it really is over. Pansy is there in a minute holding him close and letting him cry his eyes out, carding her fingers through his hair. “I am sorry love…” is the only thing she says.
And Draco can’t even be angry with Harry, that’s… that’s probably the worst thing. Because he can sense how distraught Harry is, how guilty he felt for hurting him even though he doesn’t remember loving him. Because that’s how Harry is.
But he has to accept that Harry doesn’t love him anymore, hell he is not sure Harry was even attracted to him, they kissed a couple times, but Harry always felt awkward and uncomfortable later, and the only time he tried to take things a little further Harry had jumped as if he had been burned by his touch.
He wondered if they were together now, that ginger she-Weasel draped around his husband ex-husband. The Weasley’s never completely accepted him after all, and after moving away they didn’t see them than often. Now they could have the happy marriage they’ve always wanted between the prodigal adopted son and their only daughter. There is nothing else to do, Harry doesn’t remember them being happy for the past 5 years, he doesn’t remember their first date, first kiss, their lovemaking, the breakfast in bed, the lazy Sundays their anniversary, their wedding just 3 years before, going house hunting, or helping Draco open his small potions store or coaching the neighborhood kids quidditch team, or opening his bakery or how they were taking about having kids, looking at adoption agancies just before the accident and no matter how many photographs, pensive memories, love letters, muggle video tapes and many others mementos prove their love, you can't fabricate feelings, and he can't keep fighting for Harry, not if he doesn’t want Draco in his life. It would only hurt them more.
“But, Dray, are you giving up?” Pansy whispers in tears too, She can't believe it because it can't happen. Draco is back but not Harry, they are too people that against all odds are perfect together, and complement each other. Her best friend is losing his husband, but she is also losing a dear friend. Over the years she and Harry made peace with each other and arewere close. Harry is leaving everyone behind, he doesn’t now it but they will all miss him “he’s your husband, he’s the love of your life!”And now he finally looks at her, for the first time in the night and his eyes are empty, his face probably red and puffy and his voice’s hollow when he replies, “No. My husband fell of his broom and died, Pansy. This is Potter and he’s not mine anymore.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The day of the accident was a bit fuzzy, he knew he was in a hospital immediately, it wasn’t his first row. What was surprising though was to see next to the nurse taking his vitals and a very distraught Draco Malfoy. That day he woke up with a complete blank of the last six-ish years of his life, and if that wasn’t unusual enough, he had a husband, a bakery, and a house in a city he didn’t even remember visiting. Worst of all his husband was none other than Draco-sodding-Malfoy.How did that happen in the first place? Was he gay?! Why did he marry a man?! He didn’t understand the new life he seemed to live. In the last memories he has, he was engaged to Ginny, finishing auror training, and living in London. Apparently, none of that happened, there was a huge fight with the Weasley’s, and Draco told him that although they see them for holidays and festivities they aren't as close anymore. -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-It was hard to leave the hospital with Malfoy, they were awkward around each other and Harry was trying not to be so jumpy. The house was nice, he was dreading seeing something similar to Malfoy Manor, but it wasn’t. It was a beautiful house, with an immense forest behind. It didn’t feel empty or cold as Grimmauld Place was, it surprisingly felt cosy and homey, and he suspected Draco did most of the decorating, but he saw elements of himself. It was nice, unfortunately nothing ringed a bell. There were frames around, their wedding among them and he just felt out of place.They got to the master bedroom and Harry didn’t know how to tell Malfoy he wasn’t going to share a bed with him. He seemed to understand Harry nonetheless and offered to sleep in the guest room. The bed was soft, but he was never good sleeping in places he didn’t know, but he was too tired and shocked of the day’s events that he just took Dreamless Sleep the mediwitch gave him.The next day there was a small gathering of people with loads of food, apparently, he had many friends in this ‘dream life’he couldn't remember. He was co-owner of a small bakery with a woman named Juliet, even though he didn’t remember the last time he cooked something (auror training was exhausting), he coached a junior quidditch team on weekends, the neighbours knew him and greet him amicably….they all seemed like good people, and he tried to fit in but he just didn’t know them….he didn’t feel comfortable, he never felt comfortable around crowds. Draco was called to work, and Harry went outside, just trying to see the city and he got lost, he almost had a panic attack, he couldn't recognize anyone or anything, he didn’t know his way back home and he forgot the mobile phone Draco gave him in the house. He cast a patronus to get Ron and Hermione, after all they had a portkey that afternoon to come see him. He felt better when Ron, Hermione and people from his ‘old life’ visited, he felt safe; and when they suggested he came back and stay at the Granger-Weasley’s for a while he didn’t question it. He didn’t expect Malfoy too follow him back, but he wasn’t surprised either and he thought maybe this way he would understand better everything the mess that was his life. He had pictures and videos and memories to review, but it sometimes felt overwhelming to see himself and not knowing what he felt, so he focused on catching up with his friends. Ron was a fully realized auror now, Hermione worked in education laws, they had a one-year old baby Rose, Neville was a professor at Hogwarts and getting married in a couple of months, Luna was a journalist for the Quibbler…. Once in London, it was hard to keep the news out of the press. They accused Draco of using a dark magic to make Harry marry him and they expressed they relief of having the saviour back on the right track. Harry gave a statement but as always, The Prophet just feed the rumour mill, what sell the most papers. Draco surprised him, he didn’t coward form the press, or worried about his reputation. Draco was there for family dinners and reunions, it seemed he wasn’t going to give up on Harry without fighting, and he was hoping that the memories would come back. Harry felt bad sometimes because he could feel the change in atmosphere when Malfoy was there. It seemed not everyone approved of his husband, and he guessed that was part of the rift between himself and the Weasley’s.He was taking things slow with Malfoy,Draco. He’d seen glimpses of what his “other self” must have seen. Draco was…. different from the boy he knew at school. He was gentle, romantic, clever, funny and sarcastic. And Harry wasn’t blind, the guy was fit, and…when he smiled, he looked gorgeous, they had a couple dates and even kissed a few times and it wasn’t bad --but…. he just wasn’t who Harry had envisioned to share his life with. The hardest thing was reconnecting with Ginny at Neville’s wedding, he knew she was a professional Quidditch player, and she looked even more beautiful than before. He didn’t remember breaking up, getting over her, falling in love again…and it may have been years from all that, but for Harry it was like just yesterday they were choosing a wedding cake. He kissed her and she kissed him back, and it felt natural, it felt like home. The next day he was coming down the stairs looking for a hangover potion when he heard the argument.
“You obviously love him, and you think you’re going to get him back. But the thing is, he outgrew you. What makes you think that won't happen again?”
“Thank you for that advice. I will mull it over while I’m in bed with your husband” Ginny said as it meant nothing.
Harry tried, he really tried to…understand and accept the life he apparently built with Draco, but at the end of the day he just couldn’t, he couldn’t seem to wrap his head around… around anything… He couldn't do this anymore, he couldn't keep hurting Draco or anyone else for that matter so, a week later he asked Draco to dinner.
“Let’s be realistic, my memory is not coming back”
“We can start over again…”
"I don't think we can...."
"I am a stranger to you..."
“I want a divorce, I need to move on” He ruined dinner, he hurt him, and he hated that. But he had to be honest and he wouldn’t change his mind.
Draco looked incredibly sad, but also resigned. Resigned to accept what Harry wanted even if it destroyed him, because he loved him. He didn’t make a scene, he just stood up, ready to leave. And Harry didn’t want to end the night like that…
“Draco, I hope one day I can love someone the way that you love me”
“You figured it out once. You’ll do it again”
He left.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It had been two years since he last so Draco, and almost three from that-time-when-Harry-lost-his-memory, or as the media liked to call it The Return of the Saviour. After Draco left, he tried to make himself fit in the life he once knew. His divorce was finalized, he sold his half of the bakery, and just retrieved his personal belongings from a life he didn’t remember. He returned to the Aurors and with Ginny, he had Sunday lunch at the Burrow every week and lots of paperwork. But…the longer he stayed…things just started feeling wrong.When Draco was there Harry couldn't understand why he left auror training when he was so close to finishing, why he broke up with Ginny when he was the one that proposed. He was so focused on the idea of the life he pictured for himself that he wasn’t paying attention to all the things that even if couldn't remember precisely made him quit in the first place. Auror training was unrewarding, filling him with a familiar sense of hopelessness, guilt and anger that even after he fought a war there was so much evil still around. He was stressed and he felt every muscle cramping. He hated how some people at the ministry treated him with distrust or pity. Yes, he married Draco Malfoy and ex-death eater, but the guy changed, and people should stop judging him only based on the worst mistakes of his life. And just because he doesn’t remember the last few years it doesn’t mean he is crazy or whatever they think! And worst of all is the media, trying to get to know everything and feeding the most ridiculous rumours. He started having nightmares again, almost every night and it was because he couldn't shut down his mind, there was always someone to save, something to do…so he spent most nights awake alone or with Ginny peacefully sleeping by his side. After a couple of weeks, he just couldn't stay still, and he remembered Juliet taught him how to bake a simple chocolate cake during that short time he spent in Dublin. The first few tries ended bad, the cake wasn’t cooked enough, or was too cooked, it wasn’t sweet enough or he forgot to add the eggs and…let's say he got better. So, he baked to calm his mind and the smell of fresh baked goods make him feel safe, at home. Ginny was an enigma on its own, he remembers being happy with her, and the spark of that feeling was there now too. But the longer they stayed together the most he realized they weren't meant for each other, they had separate lives now and the Ginny he was with, was and wasn’t the one he remembered. Ginny could be very manipulative with a passive aggressive attitude. It reminded him of a much younger Ginny following him around like a lovesick puppy, but also a confident Ginny taking control like she knew better like when she kissed him in the room of requirement all those years ago. And there lay the problem, she acted as though she knew better, how Harry should act and feel. She wanted him to be an auror, she wanted him to be the saviour and she wanted him to move on and didn’t seem to care that much of how Harry was coping with that.She would say “I support you love…” “I am here for you…” “Wake me up if you have a nightmare to be with you…” But when Harry tried to talk about leaving the aurors, she wouldn’t budge. “Harry but you love being an auror…” “It is your destiny…” “You are the best in the job…” “You wouldn’t forgive yourself if something happens and you knew you could do something about it and you didn’t…”and the last one was the worse because she made him feel guiltier, and not only that but he felt…trapped. He remembered having fights like this before, and he suspected part of why he broke up with her was that she wanted to control him too much. He realized it was not only him that was more in love with the idea of the together than the reality. When Harry fell for Ginny, he saw himself as an official member of the Weasley family, finally getting his happily ever after, living the life his parents would have if given the chance. For Ginny it was different because she had “fallen” for the idea of Harry Potter Saviour of the Wizarding World even before she met him. They both had preconceived expectations and they both were holding the other back. He had to break up with her, he had to quit the aurors and he had to find himself, who he was and what he wanted. At least this time he didn’t have a huge falling out with the Weasleys. He remembered Draco’s last words to him.
“You figured it out once. You’ll do it again”
He left London.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o For the next 5-months Harry travelled a bit through Europe, moving from place to place trying to find where he belonged. And every time he felt homesick, sad, happy, or angry, he baked. He found among his things many books with recipes, notes and even notebooks written by himself with tips and experiments. Everywhere he went he tried a different pastry and learnt a how to prepare it. He baked more than he could it so sent pastries to the Weasleys and to his friends or to shelters, or orphanages where he was at the time. After a while though, he felt lonely and he wanted to settle down, of all the places he could choose he chose Dublin. At first, he had avoided the city all together but now he wanted that connection he wanted to get to know this life. He rented a small apartment not too close but not too far from what used to be his bakery, he met Juliet again and with a bottle of whisky they became fast friends. They talked about everything and anything but Draco. Harry was curious but when he ‘subtly’ tried to ask she changed the topic immediately. She told him that the business next door was leaving, and she wanted to buy the space to expand the bakery into a café. It felt right to invest with her and start working again. He was surprised at how easy it was to start his life there and how fast he had a new routine, he felt calm and well rested.o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o He had been living in Dublin for 6 months and not once had he crossed paths with the blond and he somewhat hoped for and dreaded the encounter. That’s why he was surprised when one afternoon Draco was there standing in front of the counter, looking just as stunned as Harry felt.“Draco…”“Ha..Harry?” Draco said shaking his head as if he couldn't really believe his eyes. “What are… what are you doing here?”“I work here,” Harry said unsure of how to speak to this man. This beautiful man “I sort of co-own it again”“I can see that…I just…I though you…I heard you were going back to the Aurors…” “Yeah, I did, but, um…”Some lady behind Draco huffed in annoyance, and Draco glanced behind him quickly. “I’m sorry. I should… It was good seeing you again.”That was a flat out lie. He sounded absolutely distraught, and looked more pale than usual and slightly panicked, as he moved to dart out of the line. Harry felt panic swell up in his chest for reasons he couldn’t totally explain. “Juls, take over,” he said, and he didn’t even look back to see if she heard and he was moving, he couldn't let Draco leave. The closest apparition point was two blocks away, and Draco moving fast towards it. Harry run and caught his forearm before he crossed the street. “Draco, wait”“Hey! What do you want Harry?!” and there it was the signature Malfoy scowl that he missed so much. “I’m back,” Harry said, desperately, as if that meant something. He saw a flicker of hope in Draco’s eyes and he had to clarify “I still don’t remember, but I'm starting to understand better why things ended up the way they did….I..I didn’t know if I’ll ever see you again but…you are here!....I just want to, I.. I’d like the chance to understand more.”Draco just stood there, with a guarded expression and try as he may, Harry didn’t know what that meant, but Draco was still there and that had to mean something…right?Harry just couldn't stand the silence, so he blurted out the first thing that came to mind “Merlin, you’re taken, aren't you? Of course, you are, you are perfect. I know it's been years but I though... I…”Thankfully Draco stopped his verbal vomit. “No, but what about the Wesalette?”
“We’re friends, we never were a good match. She is seeing Dean they seem happy…”
Draco shuffled where he stood but he looked a little more relaxed. “What does that mean? Wanting to understand? Understand what? Why you’d marry a guy, a death eater?”Harry felt butterflies, because he may just stand a chance, Draco wasn’t leaving, he just had to explain himself. “No… I want to understand us, how and why I fell in love with you. I can’t… promise anything, but… if you’d just give me another chance – and I know you’ve already given me more than I deserve, but maybe you’d give me one more… We could start with... cake... I’ll bake you my famous chocolate cake!” He saw more of the walls falling and Draco was looking at him with those big silver eyes and a lopsided smile. Harry knew that look, it was the “you’ve just said something you said to me before” look. Before, he had hated that look, it confused him and just reminded him of his missing memory, but right now, right now it felt like hope. “What do you say?.. You can't say not to chocolate cake” Draco swallowed before nodding slowly. “You know I can never refuse cake”