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Jared lies in bed. It’s around 10 p.m. on December 31st. He’s listening to whatever song on his depression playlist, his go-to when the overwhelming feeling of dread, self-hatred, and guilt gets the best of him and he’s so down-hearted that he doesn’t know what to do. His phone is resting on the nightstand next to him, along with the abandoned bong. He thought smoking would make him feel better, but it only made him more depressed. It was fine. Jared was good at making mistakes.He begins to think about every little mistake he’s made over the course of the shitty fucking year.He thinks about Evan.
Evan was the first boy Jared ever dated. Evan was his way over overcoming the bullshit that was internalized homophobia. He was grateful for their relationship. Things went so well. Until 4 months into the relationship.
Evan had texted Jared one night, asking to talk. Jared was confused, as he was vague, and he thought vague “we need to talk” messages would be something that Evan would avoid. He guesses no one is completely immune to that.
Of course Jared agrees to talk. There’s nothing he can do. He feels his heart pounding out of his chest. As he sees the three dots indicating that Evan is typing, he finds himself in a silent frenzy. He’s breaking up with me hes breaking up with me he's breaking up with me he's breaking up with me he’s-
His spinning thoughts are interrupted by Evan’s message appearing. He sent two, simply saying: “I like someone else” and “but I still love you and want to be with you”.
Jared completely disregards the second message. He’s already crying, and his glasses are off, so he can’t see very well.
That was way fucking worse than a breakup.
“Who is it?” He texts back, and he’s sure there’s a typo in each word. But he doesn’t care. Why would he care when he feels this terrible?
“It’s Zoe. But I promise, I don’t want her. I want you.” Liar. Jared internally screams. If this were face-to-face, he’d be a bigger mess than he already was. He can’t find it in him, however, to be angry. He should have expected this. He knew he wasn’t adequate. All he did was text back with a lie. “I love you.” Jared realizes he’s crying when he comes back to reality.
He’s tempted to retaliate and do something to punish himself for being such a wimp, but he continues to lay in bed and act like a pathetic, helpless, little kid.
He wants to forget, but the play-by-play breakup not even a week after still haunts his mind.
“Jared, I am so so sorry. But I need some time to myself. Things aren’t going right and you’re just…”
“Dragging you down?” he says, refusing to look up from his bitten nails. “No. I don’t know if I’m making you happy, Jare. I can’t tell and it’s stressing me out. I-I can’t do this,” Evan began to tear up.
Jared is suddenly furious. He begins screaming at the top of his lungs, yelling about how Evan is a victimizing piece of shit, how he was so selfish, and how he fucking hated him and never wanted to see him again.
But all that came out was a pained sob, tears beginning to drip down his cheeks. He says nothing and runs past Evan, head down and-
He quickly pushes Evan out of his mind and finds something else to grasp. It’s not positive, simply because he’s not in the positive mindset. As Unhappy Birthday comes on, he’s reminded of his parents.Jared’s parents didn’t hate him, per se, but they were never around. Sometimes he found himself wishing they’d hate him and be around. That’d be better.He didn’t hate being home alone either. It was more the fact that after losing Evan, he really didn’t have anyone else.His mind shifts to his birthday.
He wakes up at noon, yawning loudly as he sits up out of bed and stretches. He smiles wide, realizing what day it was. He slips out of bed and quickly runs upstairs to the living room. It’s empty. He refuses to let his smile fade, but as he checks the kitchen, it drops and he gets the chills, despite it being around 90 degrees outside.
He realizes there’s a note resting on the counter.
'Happy birthday, Jared. We’re sorry we can’t be here with you today
. We got caught up in business. Call us if you need anything. We love you.’
That was all they wrote? After leaving him? Jared snatches the note from the counter and crumples it up, ripping it to shreds. He ignores his pounding heart and tosses the shreds into the garbage can.
He ignores the tears beginning to spill from him. He takes his glasses off and tosses them to the side, sulking back to his room, also ignoring his breathing beginning to pick up. He collapses on his bed and heaves into the pillow.
He snaps out of his daze, bitterly sitting up. He’s used to his parents being absent ninety-nine percent of the time, but on his eighteenth birthday? What the fuck kind of vendetta did life have against him to make things so fucked up?He can’t have a boyfriend without him ditching him, leaving him in the dust for Zoe Murphy. His parents’ don’t give a shit about him. They’re gone all the time. They barely even visit each month! Why does he care so much about people who don’t even know he exists?Jared stares at the wall across from him. Everything he does, everything to keep people from abandoning him is all for nothing. He doesn’t get anything out of it.Would they even notice if he.Just.Dropped out of sight?Certainly Evan won’t. He kicked Jared out of his life. He doesn’t have any regard for him anymore. And his parents. They could sell his car if he did. If Jared drops fucking dead, they could get rid of everything Jared owns. Then they could have more money.And even Alana. Sure, they aren’t friends. Not at all. Alana just. Talks to him sometimes. But it’s not like they’re close. Alana probably doesn’t like him.He gets out of bed. He’s done. Not going to do this any longer. Why would he stay? When he could get rid of the root of the problem?Him. He’s the problem.His calico stretches, staring up at him with big green eyes.He gives her one last pet. “This is ridiculous,” He mutters. “But I love you, Susan. Take care, baby.”As soon as the words leave his mouth, he's guilted into staying.Susan needing care was a stupid reason, but a reason to stay nonetheless.Maybe he could wait out a few more months. Just for her.Maybe it's not over yet.