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1. First timeAlex heard about Sasha Semin before he met him. Sasha was something of a problem child; in trouble in Russia for smoking, in trouble in America because of his ‘attitude’. Alex wasn’t sure what to expect but he knew, for better or for worse, he was going to be lumped together with him because they were both Russian. Everyone warned him. “He’s weird.” His friend told him. “He is the worst at losing of anyone I’ve ever seen. He hates it. He’s a freak, but he plays so well.”And Alex had seen the game tape, Alex knows that. Sasha can skate, can move, can see the ice in a way nobody else does. Even when he gets sent down to a lower league, he’s brilliant. Alex can’t wait. When Alex first met him, at the start of the season, Sasha was grinning at him. “Another Russian! Good. They never bother to learn the language, then get mad at you when you don’t learn theirs.” He said, a bit snarky. Alex laughed. “You didn’t learn English?” Sasha shrugged. “Why? They won’t learn Russian. They don’t even say hi.” He clapped his hands on Alex’s arms. “But they’ll like you.” “We’ll score, they’ll like both of us.” He said. Sasha smiled for a moment, before his face soured. “We’ll see.” Alex prided himself on being good with people, but he could not figure out Sasha to save his life. He expected the oddness and he was, Sasha was odd. He was mercurial and aloof. He was sullen and over-excited, often in quick succession. He couldn’t sit still, couldn’t give an interview without fidgeting with his hands so much even Alex wanted to tape them behind his back. Sasha had a lot of weird habits, the most mundane of which being that he disappeared after losses. When compared to his other mannerisms, it really didn’t seem like much; most people didn’t even notice. After wins, Sasha was ecstatic, filled with boundless energy and smiles. He was like a rare beam of sunlight, and in those moments, Alex saw how he could be likable. But they didn’t win very much, not enough to keep morale up. Sometimes there was so much going on that it made Alex’s head spin. Why was Sasha the only Russian? He wasn’t lucky enough to have someone more established around, someone who could show him the ropes. He shouldn’t resent Sasha, he was only a year or two older than Alex and obviously still learning his place. But...well, sometimes he did resent him. Sasha did have a few more years of NHL experience and he didn’t know hardly any English; or at least he didn’t let on that he did. The coaches weren’t ever sure what to make of him and frankly the team wasn’t either. Anyone trying to keep up with Sasha’s moods was subject to whiplash. They were stuck together as roommates on their first road trip. Alex braced himself, but Sasha was shockingly mild. “What do you want to watch?” Alex asked, remote in hand. Sasha shrugged. “Pick whatever.” He dug a book from his bag and a pack of cigarettes fell out with it. Alex saw it even as it was hastily put away. “You still smoke?” He asked, raising his eyebrows.“I’m trying to quit.” Sasha said, cheeks turning red. Alex nodded, eyes focused on the TV. He knew other people who had a hard time quitting, but Sasha was a professional athlete- and one that didn’t necessarily have a secure placement on his team. Surely that would be more motivating than nicotine, he thought. “I’m not going to say anything.” Alex promised. Tension drained from Sasha’s shoulders. “Oh.” He looked surprised. “Thanks.” Alex let himself get distracted by the TV for a while. When he looked back up, Sasha had fallen asleep. Maybe he wouldn’t be so bad. Or, maybe it would. The coaching staff spent morning skate shuffling lines and growing more and more disgruntled until tempers were short and everyone was discontent. After another frustrating drill, Alex playfully checked Sasha against the boards, a little physicality to pay back for the way Sasha had stolen away the puck. “Fuck you!” Sasha snapped, shoving at him hard in the center of the chest. Alex grappled with him, a little caught off guard and then growing truly angry when Sasha managed to hit his nose. He shoved him back against the glass hard, eyes stinging.“Hey, knock it off!” Chris Clark yanked Alex back by the jersey, wrapping an arm around his waist. “The hell is wrong with you?!” He asked, pulling him back. Mike Green tried to grab Sasha but he spun away from him, absolutely livid and red from his ears down to the collar of his jersey. He shook his gloves off and stormed off the ice wordlessly. Chris looked at Alex skeptically. “What the fuck, rookie?” Alex shrugged. “I don’t know.” He admitted, the one English phrase he’d really managed to learn. When Alex got back from picking up pucks (and receiving a lecture from his captain), Sasha was half-dressed and still red-faced in the locker room. “I’m sorry.” He said, stopping in front of his stall. “Whatever.” Sasha grumbled, teeth clenched. “What’s your problem?” Alex asked. People were watching, but they had no idea what was being said. Though admittedly, their tones were far from friendly. “Just leave me alone.” Sasha said quietly, closing his eyes and taking a meditative breath. Alex stalked to the showers, thinking not-very-generous thoughts about Sasha, himself, and the entire concept of being in the NHL. Fuck. 2. FlyingAlex assumed that anyone in the NHL must’ve had any fear of flying trained out of them, but Sasha proved him wrong. Granted, they’d already been warned that it would be a turbulent trip and they hadn’t even taken off, but Sasha had his hands balled up so tight his fingers were turning white. “Nervous flyer?” Alex teased. Sasha opened his eyes, looking up. “What?” He asked. His face was drawn and pale, bordering on looking ill. Alex felt a pang of sympathy for him. “Nervous?”“I- yeah. I- I don’t like the turbulence.” He admitted softly. He had his bag in his lap, an arm wrapped around it. Alex wondered if the cigarettes were still tucked away inside; he wondered if Sasha was stupid enough to risk smoking on a plane. Instead of cigarettes, he produced a bottle of pills, surreptitiously taking a few. He seemed to feel Alex’s eyes on him. “It’s only Benadryl.” He said defensively, turning the bottle so he could see the label. “The pressure changes mess with my sinuses.” Alex nodded, “Oh, yeah. That’s happened to me before. It sucks.”Sasha relaxed a bit, nodding. “Yeah, it does.” “Doesn’t that make your head all...foggy?” Alex asked, gesturing to the bottle of pills. “Better than hurting.” Sasha shrugged. Alex couldn’t argue with that. On the return trip, they were delayed in the St. Louis airport due to severe storms. Everyone was in a foul mood, either from the overtime loss, the weather, or the fact that they’d be getting home so late. Mike Green bumped his arm against Alex’s, motioning for him to take his headphones off. “Hey, you should go check on Sasha.” He said, energy drink in hand. Alex looked up. “Why?”Mike rolled his eyes. “Because he disappeared into the bathroom, like, an hour ago and I think we’re finally gonna board soon.”“Why me?” Alex asked, maybe just to be difficult. Mike huffed, looking a little frustrated and running his hand through his hair. “I don’t know, because you speak the same language?”Alex laughed. “All American guys, you in charge of them?” He teased. Mike scowled. “Fuck off, go get him. It’d be bad if he missed the flight because he was taking a shit.”Which, that was a valid point, but Alex still resented being told what to do, and definitely resented that he was now somehow responsible for Sasha. Sasha was washing his face when Alex walked in. He startled, whirling around to look at him. Alex paused; his eyes were bloodshot, his face pink. “Are you ok?”“Allergies.” Sasha said quickly, drying his face on his sleeve. “Just- it’s nothing. Why are you here?” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Alex felt impatience prickling inside him but he tried to stay calm. “Getting you. We’re going to board soon.” Sasha nodded slowly. “I’ll be right there.” Alex nodded and left slowly, lingering just around the corner. He heard a muffled cough, or maybe a sob, and kept moving. Sasha may be the only other Russian on the team, but that didn’t make them friends. Just because Sasha could talk to him didn’t mean he would. He rejoined the rest of the team, slumping back in his spot next to Mike. “Find him?” Mike asked. “Yeah.” Alex nodded. “Good.” Mike said. “Is he ok? He’s kind of...he’s not good about flying.”Alex shrugged. “Ok. Bad at flying.” Mike chuckled. “Yeah, you think he’d get used to it.” Sasha came back a few minutes later, eyes puffy and looking like he was ready to shut down. Mike pursed his lips, watching him carefully, but he didn’t say anything. Curiosity or concern moved Alex to sit beside him on the plane, though Sasha usually sat by himself. He looked at Alex out of the corner of his eye, his shoulders shrugged up close to his ears. “What?” Sasha asked, hand already in his bag. Alex could hear the rattle of pills. Alex’s uncertainty about Sasha softened a bit. “Why do you hate flying so much?” He asked. Sasha tossed back a couple Benadryl. “I don’t know.” He didn’t make eye contact. “I’ve always been like this.” Alex thought there was more to it than that but they didn’t really know each other, they weren’t really friends; they were coworkers, at best. Coworkers with an already rocky relationship. By the time they were ready to take off, Sasha was asleep, or at least feigning it, with his head leaning against the window. 3. Holidays They may not have been best friends, but Sasha and Alex on the same line were like lightning. It was hard to be annoyed by his moodiness when he was making great passes and jumping into Alex after goals. On the ice, it was great. Slowly, steadily, they built up a rapport. They had a handshake. They joked on the bench. Alex didn’t have to look to know where Sasha was. Alex liked Sasha’s goals almost as much as he liked his own; when Sasha scored it was like he was momentarily pure joy. On the road, they found Russian places when they were homesick and novel places they couldn’t‘ve imagined when they weren’t. Alex might’ve grown up in Moscow, the best city on earth, but Sasha was from Siberia and there were a lot of things he hadn’t tried before. At practice, Sasha was starting to mellow out, for the most part. Two months into the season, Alex had almost forgotten that he’d nearly fought Sasha in one of their first practices. Sasha was actually sweet, once Alex got to know him. Alex liked to pretend he didn’t get homesick, but as Christmas and New Years drew closer, it got harder to manage. George McPhee and his family were welcoming, they were lovely, but Alex still missed home something fierce. “Come over tonight.” Sasha said, bumping his elbow. “What?” “Come over tonight. For dinner.” Sasha repeated. Alex wasn’t sure; sometimes, Sasha drove him nuts, but his curiosity got the best of him. Sasha texted him his address. Alex expected that Sasha would live downtown in an apartment; that’s where a couple of the other younger guys lived. But he didn’t. He was renting a small house, somewhere that actually had a bit of garden and sat on a quiet street. “Surprised?” Sasha guessed, answering the door. Alex handed him a bottle of wine he’d managed to sweet talk away from George. “Oh, thanks.” “I don’t know if it’s good or not, but…” but he didn’t want to turn up empty handed. “If it’s not, I have vodka.” Sasha promised with an easy smile. “Come in. I know it’s not downtown but...it’s loud and busy so much of the time, I just...I wanted something quiet.” The inside of the house was minimalistic but comfortable. It was clean, which Alex also hadn’t been expecting. Sudden tears stung Alex’s eyes at the familiar smell of borscht wafting from the kitchen. A timer went off and Sasha ignored Alex long enough for him to collect himself. By the time he joined him in the kitchen, Sasha had pulled a loaf of bread from the oven and he was starting to throw together a salad. “Do you need help?” Alex asked, even though Sasha looked like he had everything together. Alex had expected...he hadn’t expected this, a cute little house and Sasha being calm and organized. Sasha hadn’t struck him as that kind of person, but apparently he was. Maybe Alex was wrong. “There’s wine glasses in the cabinet.” Sasha said. “Let’s see what kind of wine George likes.” He glanced at Alex over his shoulder, a hint of mischievous glint in his eye. Alex poured them each a generous glass and then regretted that when he tasted it. Alex tried to keep a straight face but Sasha couldn’t. His whole face scrunched up and he spat it back into his glass, laughing. “It’s so dry, oh god.” He said, setting it aside. “Who can drink that?” “It’s…” Alex knew nothing about wine, other than this was a nice bottle and they were supposed to like it. “No, no, don’t lie.” Sasha giggled. “Tastes like a tree.” Alex said, smiling wider as Sasha covered his mouth and laughed harder. And so, they had salad, bread, borscht, and wine that they ended up mixing with lemonade Gatorade. Afterwards, they settled on the couch and watched holiday movies, the kind of thing Alex had grown up watching. He felt...he glanced at Sasha. Here, away from hockey, Sasha seemed so much different. He was calm, he was funny, he was…he was cute. Alex looked away, cheeks flushing, when Sasha caught him staring. Sasha might’ve been a crazy person, Alex might’ve been Stockholmed into liking him because he was the only other Russian, but something had changed and he didn’t want to shove him into the ocean anymore. A few days before Christmas, they did a team event at the local Children’s hospital. One of Alex’s favorite things about playing hockey, outside of actually playing, was interacting with kids. He remembered being that young and looking up to his favorite players; it was almost incomprehensible that he was on the other side of the equation now. So, he tried his best to make it memorable for their young fans. It was heartwarming, but also heartbreaking. Seeing the sick kids, knowing that some of them may never grow up, twisted his insides into knots. He almost didn’t see Sasha slip away. He followed him into an empty stairwell. “Better not be smoking.” He teased playfully, stopping short when he actually saw Sasha, braced against the wall like he’d been wounded. “What’s wrong?” He asked, rushing to his side. Sasha tried to bat his hands away, covering his face. “Leave me alone.” He whispered with a ragged voice. “Please.” As if Alex could just walk away from him looking like this. “No, here, sit, sit.” He said, gently helping him sit on the steps. He knelt in front of him, taking in his wet eyes and trembling lip. “What’s wrong?”Sasha rubbed at his face, looking away. “Just...it’s sad. These kids are so sick.” His voice shook. Alex squeezed his knee. “Yeah. But they like you, you make them happy.” Sasha had been playing with a group of the younger kids, making silly faces at them and making them laugh, letting the little girls put sparkly clips in his hair. “I know.” Sasha closed his eyes tight. “It’s so- I feel so bad for their parents.” Alex wondered if maybe Sasha knew someone who had lost a child, maybe something that happened in the past was making this harder for him. “We can’t make them well, but we can make them happy today, yeah?” “Yeah.” Sasha agreed. “Just a minute, please?” He said, grabbing his hand and holding tight. Alex sat with him, waiting patiently. A few minutes later, they went back. One of the older girls decided she was going to teach Sasha English, helping him fumble his way through a children’s book. It was overwhelmingly sweet and if Alex hadn’t had a crush on him before, he definitely did now. 4. Clubs & bars Sasha had a bad habit of ducking out of team activities; the older guys thought he was ungrateful, the younger guys mostly thought he had a secret girlfriend. Alex has seen Sasha’s house; if he had a secret girlfriend, she was very secret. They had a mandatory ‘you’ll like it whether you like it or not’ bonding day on their big west coast swing. Sasha had lobbied to go hiking, but they were in Anaheim and almost everyone voted for Disneyland. Disney was possibly the most American place Alex had ever been and he loved it. Mike bought him a turkey leg and a soda, Alex bought mouse ears for himself and Sasha. Sasha raised his eyebrows but didn’t move to take them off. Sasha stuck close to Alex, but he spent most of the day in a haze, bumping into him. He refused to ride any of the rides. “Headache.” He said to Mike, forcing a smile. “Yeah, ok. You can just say you’re scared of them.” Mike laughed. Sasha gave an easy grin, shrugging his shoulders and letting Mike believe whatever was easiest. Alex wanted to ask him about it, but by the end of the day Sasha was exhausted and a little sunburnt, passing out against Alex’s shoulder on the bus ride back to the hotel. Even when Alex moved, Sasha didn’t stir. “So, I don’t know what you did”, Mike started in a whisper, “but he’s completely different. When I saw him last year, he wouldn’t go to anything.” “I do nothing.” Alex said. “No, seriously, he’s so much more normal this year.” Mike assured him. “He’s...it’s good, you know? He’s actually a really good guy.”Sasha was likable, lovable even, when he was in the right mood. Otherwise, he was temperamental and unpredictable. “Maybe learning better English.” Alex suggested. “Maybe.” Mike nodded, like he didn’t quite believe that. Sasha didn’t even bother taking his shoes off at the hotel, falling face first into bed and going to sleep. Alex draped a blanket over him and turned down the lights. Sasha tried to get out of going to the bar after they won the next day, but he’d gotten 3 assists and Mike insisted he come. He grumbled, but he didn’t leave. “You ok?” Alex asked. “I’m fine.” Sasha said, jiggling his knee underneath the table until Alex placed his hand on it, stilling him. “Sorry.”
“What’s wrong?”
Sasha sighed and shrugged. “It’s just loud here, that’s all.” He admitted. “You wanna leave?” Alex asked. Sasha snorted. “I didn’t want to be here in the first place.” “C’mon, we can walk back.” Alex said, sliding out of the booth and pulling Sasha along with him.Outside, out of sight, Sasha looped his arm through Alex’s, grinning at him. “Thanks.” Tension drained out of him as the fresh air washed over them. “It’s no problem.” Alex said, returning the smile as butterflies fluttered in his stomach. They walked back in silence, taking in the vibrant downtown area. A car drove by with a group of girls inside and they shrieked in delight, which made Sasha wince. Alex wasn’t sure what it was that made Sasha so different, but the question was always been at the back of his mind. Maybe he was gifted and had heightened senses, which would explain his tendency towards quiet. Maybe he wasn’t gifted and he just didn’t like loud noises. It seemed like a very personal question and Sasha was rather private already. But…“Are you gifted?” He blurted out. Sasha rolled his eyes. “Gifted? No.” He shook his head. Something caught his eye up ahead. “Do you want ice cream?”Ice cream was very much not part of their diet plan, but Sasha was grinning at him and well, Alex had a pretty big sweet tooth. “Always.” He said. There were only a few other people at the ice cream shop and no one would recognize them. Sasha didn’t let go of Alex’s arm and it made his cheeks flush pink. They finished their cones as they arrived at the hotel, tossing the evidence in the trash outside. It felt very much like a date, even though it wasn’t, and the idea of kissing Sasha lingered long after the other man had let go of his arm and fallen asleep. 5. StressThe end of the season was approaching and the Capitals were still a few points out of a playoff spot. Alex was trying as hard as he could, but he couldn’t will the team to win. Everyone handled the stress differently. Some of the older guys got even crankier than they’d been during the season, Chris Clark started trying to keep people after practices, Mike bought a couple cases of beer and issued a standing invite to Alex and Sasha to come drink it. Sasha bit his fingernails down to nubs and was dropping weight at a concerning enough rate that the trainers started giving him extra protein shakes. Alex thought he was handling things ok, but maybe he wasn’t. Or, maybe there was no good way to handle your team failing to make the playoffs. There was a lot of blame to be doled out and his older teammates had no problem assigning it to everyone besides themselves, especially when they lost in overtime. “We needed that fucking point.”“Yeah, no shit.” Alex said, rolling his eyes at the obviousness of it. He should’ve kept his mouth closed, but he was too heated to care. “Knock it off.” Chris snapped. Sasha slipped out of the locker room and Alex stalked off to the showers. He stayed in there long enough for most of the team to leave. He was standing under the spray, water turned up as hot as he could stand it, when Mike’s voice echoed in the tiled room. “Hey, hurry up, I need you for a sec.” Alex sighed and turned the water off, wrapping a towel around his waist and sauntered in barefoot. At first, the locker room was empty. “In here.” Mike called from the bathroom. Alex hastily threw on some shorts and sandals, following him. “What?” Alex asked, rounding the corner. Mike was squatting just outside one of the stall doors, a hand on Sasha’s shoulder. Sasha was pale and clammy, shirt soaked through and sticking to him. “I can’t get him to answer any questions.” Mike said, worrying at his lip. “Can you?” Alex slipped in beside Mike, resting a hand on Sasha’s back. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Sasha shook his head, eyes closed. Alex snorted. “Obviously something’s wrong.” “Sick.” Sasha whispered. “S’fine.”“Let me drive you home.” Alex offered. “How long have you been sick?”“Just now.” Sasha panted. “Maybe...Maybe something I ate.” Alex found that hard to believe, given that Sasha had mostly subsisted on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and protein shakes the last few days. “Sick or stressed?” Alex asked; he knew guys who would throw up before every game they got so nervous. It stood to reason the end of the season could have the same effect, especially since some of the veterans weren’t exactly fond of Sasha. “I don’t know.” Sasha whined, shrugging his shoulders. “Is he ok?” Mike asked, brow furrowed. “Too much...too much stress, maybe.” Alex translated. Mike nodded slowly. “Is there anything I can do?”“No.” Sasha shook his head. “I’m ok.”“Bullshit you’re ok.” Mike grumbled. “I’ll go get some water.” He decided. Sasha leaned against the stall partition, nearly gray in the face. Mike returned a moment later with a towel and a bottle of Gatorade. “Figured you need the calories.” He said, a grim look on his face. “Thank you.” Sasha said weakly, taking the bottle. On their last road trip, Sasha couldn’t sleep, despite the heavy bags under his eyes. In the hotel room, Sasha paced back and forth until Alex grabbed his wrist and pulled him to the bed. “Gonna drive me crazy.” He said, trying to smile. “Sorry.” Sasha whispered. Alex sighed. “S’ok. Just...stay here, watch TV. Stop pacing.” Sasha watched the TV but fidgeted with the blanket until Alex hugged him tight. “Stop it.”“Sorry.” “What’s wrong?” “Stressed, I guess.” Sasha said, avoiding eye contact. “I can go-““No, stay.” Alex felt unsettled, like Sasha, but this- Sasha pressed close, heavy against his chest- this helped. “I...I’m stressed too.” Alex admitted. Sasha stopped resisting, deflating slightly. “I know.” He said. “We’ll be ok.” Alex snorted, burying his nose in Sasha’s hair. “Yeah. We’ll be ok.” He tried to believe it. Sasha this close, hugging him back, he almost could. +1 Finally They weren’t ok. Their season was over in devastating fashion and Alex didn’t know what to do about any of it. Alex would like to pretend he figured it out on his own, but he didn’t. Instead, he followed Sasha because he needed- he needed something. He’d never felt so foreign, so out of place, as he did with their team after the horn sounded. Sasha had hidden himself in an empty room of the arena, and Alex pushed the door open to expose him mid-breakdown He didn’t seem to notice Alex coming in. He was on the floor, leaning against the wall. His hand was over his mouth but it was doing nothing, absolutely nothing, to muffle the wounded sobs escaping his lips. His face was flushed cherry red and even from the door Alex could see him shaking. Panic struck through him- was he hurt? Sasha jerked to look at him and, seemingly realizing things couldn’t get much worse, did nothing himself. Alex dropped down beside. “Are you hurt, what happened? Who hurt you?” He asked, hands searching for injury. He hadn’t seen anything, but he must’ve missed it. Sasha sounded like he’d been shot, wounded through and through. Sasha shook his head. He was too distraught to speak, a sound that was nearly a wail slipping through his spit-slicked fingers. “Did someone die?” Alex kept asking. Sasha shook his head and covered his face with both hands, shaking his head again and again. Alex stilled him with hands on his shoulders. “Sasha, Sasha, it’s ok. It’s ok, whatever it is, please, just tell me.” “Too loud.” Sasha choked. “Me?” Alex dropped his voice. “Do you- are you concussed? Do you have a headache-““Everyone- It’s- oh, fuck, everyone’s so upset.” Sasha’s distress was a palpable thing between them. “It’s too loud, it’s too much.” He pleaded, kicking his feet a bit like he was in agony. Alex felt helpless, utterly helpless. “What’s too loud? Tell me, I’ll fix it, just tell me.” “Everyone! It’s all- it’s too loud. I can’t, I can’t!” Sasha was a mess, with tears and snot and spit on his face. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, scratch marks on his cheeks from his nails.
“What’s too loud?”
“They’re so- so mad and upset and-“ He hiccuped, covering his mouth as though that could contain his emotions. “Did someone...did they blame you?” Alex would personally kill whomever it was at this point. “No!” Sasha shook his head again, letting in fall back against the block wall with a hard thunk. He did it again and again, until Alex slipped a hand behind his head. “Stop it!” He said sharply. Sasha stilled, staring up at him with glassy eyes as he held his breath. “What’s wrong?” He was irritated and worried and they’d just played their last game of the season. He just wanted to go home but-Sasha pitched forward into his chest, with renewed despair. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You don’t have to be here. It’ll be better once everyone leaves.” He babbled, crying. “Why?” Alex asked, bewildered. “It won’t be...so loud.” Every sob sounded like it hurt, it sounded like it was being pried out of him. “I don’t know what else to do, once everyone’s gone- it’ll be ok.” Finally, it clicked. Everything, every stupid quirk made sense, because Sasha was entangled in a disruptive vortex of emotions and there was nothing he could do about. It sounded like torture, it sounded horrendous and, judging by the sounds Sasha was still making, it was. Alex wished he could fix it, and maybe he could. When he’d been younger, his mother had taught him to keep himself safe. “There are people in the world who might want to mess with your mind.” She’d told him. “You can’t let them.”It had been hard at first, but he’d been doing it for so long it was second nature. Just like he didn’t need to think to skate, he didn’t need to think to protect himself. Protecting Sasha couldn’t be much harder. He pushed at the edges of his boundaries, where firm walls stood, and expanded outward into the quiet. It didn’t hurt, but he could feel the strain of it. It was unfamiliar but not wholly uncomfortable either. He paused when Sasha suddenly froze.
“What? How-”
“Did it work? Is that better?” Alex asked. Sasha nodded slowly, tears still welling up in his eyes. “Yeah. How...how?”“My mom taught me. Yours didn’t?” Sasha shook his head. “I can teach you.” Alex said, though he wasn’t sure that was true. He would try, though. God, he couldn’t even begin to imagine how miserable Sasha had been this last season, when nothing seemed to go their way. “Thank you. Thank you.” Alex kissed the top of his head, rocking him side to side. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He murmured. “People...people don’t like it. They...they avoid me.” “I’m sorry.” He pet his hand across his head, brushing his hair back. “I won’t go anywhere.”Sasha nodded. “Thank you.” His voice cracked and fresh tears started to fall. “I’m sorry, it’s...no one’s ever been...ok with it.”“Just sorry you’ve been hurting and I didn’t know.” Alex said. They stayed there a long time. Sasha was shaky and he needed time to adjust to the absence of anyone else’s feelings. Alex wondered if he’d always been like this, if this was the first time he’d only had to process his own emotions.Finally, he gently coaxed him to his feet. ”C’mon, come stay at my place tonight.”Sasha nodded, leaning against his chest and catching his breath. “Thank you.” He whispered, a hand still clutched to Alex’s arm. “It’s ok.” Alex promised. “Did you know...could you tell I liked you?” He asked, curious. Sasha smiled softly at him. “Yeah. Sorry.” He took a breath, steeling himself. “I like you too, if it makes you feel better.”Alex chuckled. “A little.” He teased. Sasha wrapped his arms around him, hugging him. “I liked...I liked being around you. Even before I knew...you make everything so much better. Like...like you balance everything.” He admitted slowly. “And...I don’t know, you just make me happy.”“You’re not so bad.” Alex said playfully, grinning when Sasha giggled and ducked his face to hide the smile.