Work Text
yo its ur girl rose so RECAP 19 years later I'm currently married to Sirius fukishin Black and we have a daughter named Summer (who is definitely not named after the author cough)We were in bed doing the lovemaking when i got sad."What on earth is wrong mi Amor?" Serious axed me seductively."well i just miss Hogwarts and i realized there were so many things i missed out on doing. I think i have depression because it's not a chemical thing hell no. it's just when you feel sad." i cried tearz of blood and slit ma rists while moshing to mcr and good chralotte."No me love if you want to 🎵GET BACK TO HOGWARTS WE GOTTA GET BACK TO SCHOOL🎵 just use this time turner i found!" serious cried."ok thnx my depression is cured now!" i took the time turner and now WE GONNA GO BACK IN TIME .
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
So last time I was at the Yule ball, Draco is pregnant with Harry's babies and he proposed to him. Ron proposed to Hermoine and i killed lavender and ginny. also, Serious professed his undying sexy love for me and he proposed to me.At the end of the ball, Past Serious took me to a hallway."SERIOUS WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?" I asked in confuson."The Room of Requeerement!" Serious opened the door and revealed a bedroom suite! I gasped."I love you so fuxking much!" We made out on the bed passively and then we fell aslep
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The next day I was at breakfast with Luna because apparently she's a Gryffindor."Hey Lovegood!" someone yelled. "You're weird!"
Then Luna started crying and ran into the bathroom!I ran afrer her into the bathroom an asked her what was wrong."People are bullying me and it hurts my feelings!" Luna cried.I felt really bad, so I kissed her. Then I pulled away. "Shit i shouldn't have down that im sorry" I said.Then we had sex in the stall. No homo though. I'M STRAIGHT."Thanks for making me feel better!" Lyna said cheerfully. Then she skipped off.The Hermione ran into the bathroom and cried! Even with her makeup smudged, she looked so beautiful, like a goddess. (I AM A HETEROSEXUAL. I LIKE THE D.)"What's wrong, Hermoine?!?!!!?!" I asked."Im peregnant!" she cried.GASP!!!!"You need to tell Ron!" I said."You're right," she said. "bye!" Then she skipped off."What should I do now?" I thought. "Oh, i know! Quidditch!"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I went to the field and saw lots of people there. There was a banner that said WELCOME TO QUIDDITCH AUDITIONS"Up next..." Coach said, "Rose Potter!"I got on a broom and did some cool tricks."Mazel tov! You made the team as seeker!""But Harry's the Gryffindor seeker," I said."Well, you're so good, we're gonna have 2 seekers now," he said."Litty!" Everyone high fived me and said congrats.EVERYONE HATES ME I MIGHT AS WELL DIE.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hey so what's next oh right I was in Transfiguration turning a cup into a guitar. McGoogle gave me 3,264,251,325,713,417,742 points. Yayy.Later I was in the Gryffindor Common Room doodling this in my notebook:https://goo.gl/images/oNnVosI SUCK AT DRAWING!!!!I saw Hermone and Rin making out and overheard this:HERMOINE: Ron, will you love me no matter what?RON: Of course! You're the love of my life.HERMIONE: Okay... I'm pregnant, and you're the father.RON: *gets up* EW YOU SLUT GET AN ABORTION!!!!!!HERMIN: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT DO WITH MY BODY. WE'RE OVERThen Hermione stormed off. I decided to follow her cause I can't mind my own damn buisness.I saw her crying in a hallway. Suddenly, Snape walked over to her. "Stop crying you little bitch," he said.Then they kissed!!
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Snamione soon became the hottest ship in the school and no one questioned their relationship.One day I walked into Potions class with Jermione and she went up to kiss Snape."Hi love," Hermoin cooed. She was running her stomach because that's what pregnant people do.When Snape realized Herm was doing pregnant things, he got angry. "Bruh I'm not gonna be the baby daddy you slut." He pulled Hermione into another room. me and everyome else in the class just kinda sat there awkwardly.Hermione soon ran out crying. "He rapped me!" she cried. "Now I'm pregnant with his baby despite still being pregnant with Ron's!"Ron just stood there while eating chicken. snape killed him with avada kedavra."i forgive you severus!" hermione cooed. they kissed and made up. we cheerd.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
That might I was in my room and I rmembered I'm a Mary-Sue so I ned to be an animagus amd a metamorphasis. I blinked and my eyes turned purple and grew a beak, then i turned into a doge.Check!I stepped into the shower and started singing Perfect by Ed Sheeran.Suddenly... someone opened the door!"IMMA HEX YOU BITCH" I yelled.Then I realized it was Draco. "Your voice is amazeballs! Wanna be in a band!""Sure!"The next day, I was in an ambiguous place with Draco, Fred, George, Harry, Hermione, Neville, and Luna."Btw Luna and I are dating," Nevile sed because everyone has to be in a het relationship."Lit," we all said."So whats the band name?" I asked seductively."Its called Your Organic Hatred," Luna cheered."OMFG!" I gasped. "THAT'S AWESOME.""So," Draco said, "Fred is on guitra, George is on drums, Neville is on bass, Hermioen is on keybord, luna is on tamborine, and you and me and Harry sing. Kapeesh?""Kapash," I said sexxxily.George banged hsi sticks together and then we started playing.Me, Dravo, and Harry were singing Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift. Draxo amd Harru were looking at each other the whole time and smiling. It was sooo cute!At the end of the song, Ginny came back to life and yeled at Harry, "You love Draco more than me!""i do!" harry said. "you probably snuck me a love potion you evil complex female character!""We're over! Have fun with your gay fetishization yaoi, beeyotch!" then she stormed off.Suddenly, Dumbledore came in! "Harry, you gotta win Ginny back! You're soul-bound! If you're not together, the universe will collapse!""Oh no! I need to think of an idea becUse Imthe Mary Sue!" I gasped.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
So I told Harry my idea amd it was set for the nezt dat.At the Quidditch game I was on my broom being amazimg. I looked at harry and we knee it was tkme."EVERYONE LKSTEN!" HarRy yelld. "I HAVE A ANNOUNCEMENT! I LOVE GINNY WEASLEY! SHE IS MY FIANCE, THE MOTHER OF ONE OF MY UNBORN CHILDREN, AND SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD!"Ginny who was on her broom, flew over to Harry. "I love you so much." Then tjey kjssed. Everyine cheerd.Then Madame Pomfrey appeared. "I got news bishes! Draco since you're an unspecified amount of months pregnant but enough to have a bump, you can't play quidditch. Harry has to be controlling now.""Kay!" Draco seded.then dumblydore came back. "false alarm!" he said. "ginny made a fake soul-binding prophecy because she's evil and a woman and bc she's a woman and everyone knows that when you're a woman if you're perfect than you suck but if you're flawed then you also suck."I killed Ginny again.Then the game ended i guess or whatever.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Time for another Yule Ball! This is the part when I go into detail about what people wore!HHermoine wore this:https://goo.gl/images/1CaCrwLLuna wore this:https://goo.gl/images/8XiK7HDraco wore this:https://goo.gl/images/HuvnVeAmd I were this really boring dress because im poor and ugly:https://goo.gl/images/8LYuDDWe were all havin a good time having a good tiiime ane then suddenly..............Draco and hermion gaspe. "MY WATER BROKE!" they both cried. So Harry, Draco, Hermim, Snape, amd me (cos im the marysue) went to St. Manga
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Draco and Herpes and the boyfriends and me (don't question my presence) all ran into the waiting room."We're having babies!!!" we all yelled."Oh come in!" the receptionist said.Litty! we all wentinto a room whete tehyre were 2 beds anda dressing room wherethey chanegs into a hopsital gowns. they came back out sndgot on the beds and started screaming.The Healer came in and put on gloves. "Hi! I'm Tiffany! I'm gonna help you deliver your babies!""How am I giving birth!?" Draco cried."Through your anus duhh," Tiffany said. "Because it's not like there are men out there who give birth through their vaginas no not at all! PUSH!!!!!!!"Draco pushed through his butthole and then a baby boy with a full head of shiny blond locks started crying. Hermioni pushed until she cried so much that I covered her mouth but then she bit me. "OW MOTHERFUCKING SHITDICK!" She yelled. 2 baby girls finally came out of Hermione.The babies came out perfectly clean and without umbilical cords cos magic. they weren't weighed and were just given to the parents immediately.All the parents cried tears of joy while I took selfies and posted it on the snapchat.Draco and Herminninkahzgzg gave their kids modern american names even though this is 1997 Scotland. Draco and Harry named their son Jayden Aiden Malfoy-Potter. Hermioje namrd the babeis (yes the ones that are the daughters of Ron and snape) Rose Jr Snape and Madison Mia Snape.lots of selfies lots of tears blah blah blooh.  the end i guess? oh wait this is about me so i sang a Bruno Mars song and did a backflip and ended racism  the end.
