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Jeongyeon wraps the silver bracelets around their wrists on their fifth anniversary. It was a shiny symbol of love for the people that held each other’s hearts.
When Jeongyeon slides the two Tiffany Blue cases across the table with her shy smile and loving eyes, Nayeon and Jihyo’s eyes light up. Jihyo’s hands move to trace the lettering of the case, a sweet smile on her lips and adoration spilling from her eyes when she lifts them.
“What is this?”
Jeongyeon nudges it closer to her, “Just open it.”
There in the cases, beaded bracelets with silver heart tags sat in the protection of its walls. After lifting the lid, Nayeon lets out a small squeal of excitement and moves to sit in Jeongyeon’s lap, peppering her face with kisses and tickling at her chin. Jeongyeon attempts to move her face away from Nayeon’s needy hands only to be surprised with a long kiss on her cheek from Jihyo who comes to her other side. Jihyo sweeps the blonde locks that got messy from the fray with Nayeon’s doting affection away. In the dim light of their kitchen, Jeongyeon still looks so beautiful, especially with all of the kiss marks on her cheeks, her nose, and her forehead.
“Thank you, baby.”
Nayeon coos a murmur of agreement in thanks.
Jeongyeon still blushes pink at the saturation of affection she receives.
“Here, let me put them on for you.”
With two wrists waiting for her, Jeongyeon knows to take this moment closer for her heart to love.
~.~ Jeongyeon takes off her silver bracelet two years after giving them. Nayeon and Jihyo quickly catches on. Jeongyeon never takes the bracelet off. While usually flexible and willing to change her appearance should the company or their stylists request so, Jeongyeon was terribly stubborn about keeping the silver bracelet on. (Her stubbornness always gave Nayeon and Jihyo’s hearts surges of love. It felt so good to see how proud Jeongyeon was to love them.) The two decide to stay quiet, looking to blame overreaction over their observation. Except, Jeongyeon starts distancing herself from them. She no longer drops random gestures of affection throughout the day, doesn’t tease them with odd but endearing nicknames. She was there, but, she wasn’t. Instead of caressing their hair and laying her sugar sweet gaze on them, she looked in love at a distance when no one was looking. Paranoia is a prickly feeling that sits in the shadows of fear and uncertainty. After reading a media post that dug a little too close on their relationship, Jeongyeon feared that the three were being too obvious. Being in a queer relationship was already something worth condemning, God forbid, being in a queer relationship with multiple people. Jeongyeon wanted to believe with all of her heart that there was nothing wrong in loving two girls—especially if the girls were Nayeon and Jihyo. If only her mind weren’t plagued with incessant fear, she could. She wouldn’t be avoiding their kisses, holding their hands, afraid to love them. ~.~ The eggshells Nayeon and Jihyo tiptoed around crushed away into tiny pieces when Jeongyeon tells them she wants space from them.
“I don’t understand why you’re doing this, Jeongyeon.”
“You stopped wearing the bracelet and started being cold with us. But-”
“But you still look at us like you’re in love. You think we don’t notice, but, we do; we’ll always notice you.”
“So can you at least tell us the reason why you want this, for the sake of our selfish desires?”
“And we don’t want to hear the ‘I don’t love you anymore’ bullshit because you clearly do. You’ve loved us too well for us to believe any different.”
Jeongyeon feels the heat of pressure on her cheeks, feels a burning light shined on the ugly monsters of fear and paranoia that clung to her.
“I- I am so afraid. I’m afraid of people finding out about us before we’re ready. And I’m so terrified of people hurting us. I’m afraid of my world falling apart under my feet and feeling hopeless. I want to be able to protect you both when things turn to shit, but, I’m so afraid. How could I be the person you both deserve when I can barely look myself in the mirror without seeing fear eating me from the inside out?”
Nayeon is the first to step towards Jeongyeon and tickle her fingertips against the former’s. Jeongyeon can’t help but to grasp her fingers and she feels her heart buckle at the security that wraps around her when Nayeon’s fingers intertwine with hers. Jeongyeon feels the back of Jihyo’s hand caress her cheeks. Her other hand desperately reaches up to lock with Jihyo’s too. Nayeon twirls a lock of brown hair in her fingers and talks with a soft voice. The atmosphere is too vulnerable and fragile for anything louder.
“Truthfully, I’m afraid too. But, I have you. I have Jihyo. I’m scared shitless at how things could blow up, but, just having you two by my side is enough for me to fight this fear. And I know I can’t expect you to the do same, or for Jihyo to feel the same either, but, I’m willing to do whatever it takes for you to know that the world can fall apart but you’ll still have our arms to fall into.”
“You don’t have to be strong all of the time, Jeongyeon. I know you feel the need to, but, let us be strong for you when you feel weak and afraid. Let us protect you. You’ve done so well at it for us. Just, afford us the same chance because we want you happy, too. We love you, so much more than words could ever explain.”
“We don’t need you to be a martyr for us. Our relationship is not a sacrifice. What we come to lose was never ours to begin with. So, let us take care of you. Let us love you. Allow for yourself to do the same because it is so clear that you do.”
That night, Jeongyeon allows for herself to cry in the arms of the two people that she loves instead of the pillow on her bed. Before falling into bed, in between the arms that will protect her, she allows for them to wrap the silver bracelet around her wrist again.
~.~ Fear is a pesky monster that whispers incessantly about paranoia and insecurity. It’s fortunate that Nayeon and Jihyo can be pretty damn loud. Their love is louder than any fear cowering away in the shadows. Their arms are the safest haven, their hearts are her safest home. She’s safe with them. The silver bracelet on her wrist reminds her of that. But, Nayeon’s abundant kisses and Jihyo’s bubbly giggle when she holds her also reminds her plenty.