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He would put it all behind him.Spock grimly sat in the lotus position with determination etched on his weather-beaten face. He would not acknowledge the sand-laden desert winds of Vulcan that buffeted his body and billowed out his flowing robes. His unkempt appearance, his stomach growling for food, his throat parched for want of a cooling drink-- he would ignore them all, for he had a higher purpose that transcended the comfort of his mortal body. He needed to concentrate on wiping his mind clear of all thought. And he would do it... now!Spock jammed his thumbs roughly against his equally clenched forefingers. But they slipped past each other. Ragged nails tore at tender flesh as green blood spurted out of small lacerations. The action brought tears to his eyes, caused his mouth to drop open in a gasp, and made him see stars in the middle of the day. But no new insights came to overwhelm his mind and electrify his thirsting soul.He sighed. His thumbs and forefingers were supposed to be lightly joined to ground him, not warring against each other as if they were in some sort of power struggle between themselves. How could he ever succeed with Kolinahr if he was approaching it in the wrong frame of mind? His past must not be interfering like this!He was supposed to have cleared his mind of all outside influences so that he could receive a higher enlightenment, not using all of his mental and physical powers to erase his past. But that was what he had, alright. A past, a past that did not want to be ignored. A past that included heartache and being ostracized as a child, then finally finding acceptance and friendship in Star Fleet as an adult. And he had relished his life around humans as he had served as a Star Fleet officer.But in the background always rose up the specter of his duty to his Vulcan heritage. He had turned his back on it once as a young adult. For even Vulcan youths rebel. Look at his father who had married an Earthling! So Spock rebelled and turned his back on the prestigious Vulcan Science Academy to mingle among species of his other blood heritage, the illogical Earthlings. Damn his natural curiosity! For he had been curious about Earthlings and had found them to be utterly fascinating, albeit puzzling and unpredictable. And that only made them more intriguing to him and his insatiable desire for knowledge. It seemed that the more he learned about them, the more incomprehensible they became. Especially his two closest friends, the charming James T. Kirk and the emotional Dr. Leonard McCoy.But at the end of the five-year mission, he knew that he had to stop being a renegade and return to what he was born to do. And that meant turning his back on those glory-filled days, from attending Star Fleet Academy to serving on the Enterprise with friends tried and true. But it had not been easy, especially after that last meeting with McCoy when the doctor had offered Spock his dearest possession-- himself.Even now as he remembered that parting, Spock bit his lips in determination and clamped his digits together until they shook. Then a wild thought struck him, and it reminded him of McCoy. It was not that he thought of McCoy. It was something that McCoy would have thought. Or said. Or expounded on.He sighed again. With that much determination on his face, he probably looked like a constipated person trying to find relief during a bathroom visit. There! That was what McCoy would’ve thought of. Or said. Or expounded on. Whether anybody would have wanted or needed the crude remark or not. And it wouldn’t have helped that McCoy’s remark would cause Jim Kirk to giggle like a teenager girl with a crush on the football king. And Kirk’s reaction would cause McCoy to crow in delight or bring forth another tirade from the ranting doctor. And that would cause either more giggling from Jim Kirk or a demand for McCoy to straighten up. Spock never knew how the erratic Earthlings would act and/or react. And it had been so utterly fascinating to a straight-laced Vulcan. Earthlings could be vastly entertaining. And educational. And lovable (sigh).And how Spock missed it all now!No. Get sober, Spock reminded himself. As soon as he went through Kolinahr, he would not miss any of his Star Fleet days anymore, nor any of the people he had known then for the simple reason that he would not remember them.As if they had never existed!He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and his fingers clinched together, all thought of a specific yoga pose for them suddenly forgotten. For he was suffering.The crew of the Enterprise! Gone!Their wild adventures! The daring-do! The highs! The lows! The angst! The triumphs! The sweet taste of success! The comradeship! The glory! Never more....He bit his lips together to stop their quivering.The life he had shared with them. The love they had shared with him. Lost! All lost!Jim… How could he say goodbye forever to Jim? Jim, who needed him so much and let him know it. Jim, who loved him so much. And let Spock know it.And the other one. McCoy.Spock cringed.McCoy….The cringe relaxed. He had to face the prospective loss.McCoy….How could he forget about McCoy?Leonard McCoy, the enigmatic, exasperating, pleasing, frustrating… McCoy. The one who at last wanted only Spock’s love. It seemed like such a little thing. Spock’s love. But how could Spock give something he did not possess? What did McCoy think he was capable of?McCoy… who needed him so much and let him know it. McCoy, who loved him so much.And let Spock know it.The cringe returned.For Spock could not answer McCoy, at least not the way that McCoy had wanted him to answer.For Spock was incapable of loving.Is that why he had not answered McCoy’s request for a simple declaration of love at what was to be their final meeting? McCoy had confronted him about feelings, all kinds of feelings which had grown around them for five years. Feelings which they had never examined. Feelings which Spock thought they would never have to examine. He'd thought that the two of them could just go on as they always had-- needing each other, frustrating each other, protecting each other, contradicting each other, relying on each other.And then it had all suddenly come to a grinding halt. Oh, they had both known that there had been a five-year boundary on their mission of discovery into the universe. Five years. It had seemed so long when they were at the beginning of that time and staring down the length of it. But then it had suddenly ended as if a barrier had snapped shut in front of them. Forever done. Forever over.And McCoy could not walk away without some closure. There were too many loose ends for him. And none as far as the Vulcan was concerned.But McCoy could not let it rest on that note. He had confronted Spock and had bared his defenseless heart. He stood ashamed of himself for groveling, but knowing that the rewards would be so boundless if he could just get Spock to admit to feelings that had surely grown between them.Then, when all seemed lost and Spock had not responded the way that McCoy desired, he hoped to salvage some small crumb. His pride was gone. McCoy had lost that in the gamble he took to win an acknowledgment of Spock’s devotion.“Tell me that you love me so I can have that memory to sustain me.”But Spock had denied him even that small crumb. At least not so McCoy could hear him.For Spock had said it when McCoy could no longer hear him, after a closing door had separated them forever. “I love you, Doctor.”He was safe. McCoy had not heard the proof of the Vulcan's weakness.But Spock had heard. Even if he had not voiced it for McCoy's ears, the vow was not lost. For it had burrowed into Spock's heart where it had taken root and grew. No, it was more like his betraying words had caused a cyst which caused his heart to ache. None knew of the cyst but him. And it ate at him with the teeth of self-reproach.He could keep the truth from McCoy, but he could not keep it from himself. He could not ignore that seed of doubt which McCoy had planted. Therefore, he could not face Kolinahr as pure as he needed to be.For he loved, and there was no denying it. And when he faced Kolinahr and failed, he told himself it was because he had heard Jim Kirk calling to him for help. But he knew that he was lying to himself. He knew that he had a weakness for McCoy. Could a Vulcan succeed in lying if it was to himself? Or was he only setting himself up for a big fall? When Leonard McCoy arrived back on the Enterprise after all of those years, his beard was full, but he was wearing the uniform of a Star Fleet officer as he knew he should be. He snorted and fumed until Jim Kirk bared his heart, unashamed, to him.“I need you, Bones.”And McCoy melted, grousing the whole time, anything to cover his excitement of being needed again, of facing adventure again, of seeing the Vulcan again. But he told himself that he would keep his distance. He had belittled himself once, groveling in front of someone who seemed to ignore his humiliating pleas. If McCoy had pleaded with an Earthling for the same stakes, he would’ve accepted that all was lost. But he’d been dealing with a Vulcan, a principled Vulcan. That fact was both bad news and good. Spock couldn’t be manipulative, either. If McCoy ever got Spock to change his way of thinking, he could win it all in their high-stakes poker game.All McCoy had to do was to give Spock time. Be around him and let him remember what it had been like to be plagued by McCoy and also befriended by him. Let Spock realize what he’d been missing.What McCoy did not know was that he had planted a seed of doubt in Spock at their last parting, a seed of doubt that had rooted itself down into Spock and had been working all the time that they had been apart. As far as McCoy realized, their relationship was a blank slate. He did not know that Spock had all of their previous time together clearly charted on that cluttered slate. They had a history which Spock was ready to acknowledge, but which McCoy was not.What a turn of events!For McCoy did not want to pressure Spock. It was enough that they were together again, together for a seemingly long time. The future stretched ahead for McCoy who was content.Spock floundered at first, then easily assumed his familiar place in their old relationship. He almost sighed in relief and paid no attention to the nagging fear that he should be pushing for more intimacy from McCoy. The good doctor had always kept him guessing before; he was doing it again. It was unsteady at first, but Spock found that he was quite content with the way they were together.Then McCoy took it a step further. He decided that he could do anything he wanted, because Spock would not respond to it. McCoy got flirty with Spock and used looks and words filled with innuendo. What difference did it make? It went over Spock’s head anyway.The stalemate might have gone on forever, but nothing lasts forever. A fact that they all would learn all too soon.For Spock had died saving the ship and the crew, and McCoy had felt hollow inside. Then he had felt crowded inside as Spock’s katra became stronger and more assertive. And McCoy could not understand his strange behavior until Kirk had solved the mystery for him.“Bones, it's Spock. He’s inside you.”“What the hell are you trying to tell me, Jim?!” His frown looked quarrelsome, but frightened, too. “What are you saying?!” he demanded, although he had a sneaking hunch what Kirk was going to say.“I’m saying that Spock’s soul, his essence, whatever, is in your head. The part of him that cannot die is being kept safe by you.”“Why would he do that?! Why would he leave himself with me?! Scotty was there! They always liked each other! He could’ve housed himself in Scotty’s brain!”“Don’t be scared, Bones,” Kirk said softly. “You’ll be enough for what Spock needs. He trusts you.”McCoy squeezed his eyes shut. “He must love me after all,” he whispered.“Of course he loves you. You guys always did love each other. Everyone could see that except you two.”“I never took you for a damn romantic,” McCoy snapped.Kirk grinned gently. “I just know a sure thing when I see it.”“Okay. Granted he’s housed in my brain, rent free. How do we get him outa there. How do we find him another body?”“Do you believe in miracles, Bones?”“I believe in logic. Oh, hell,” he said softly, his eyes suddenly wild but awe-struck, too. “That damn Vulcan IS inside me. I’m talking like him. Believing in logic! That’s something that little green piss-ant would say! Why doesn't he just come out and try saying that to my face?!”“I miss him, too, Bones. So very much. Take very good care of him for all of us.”“I sure as hell can’t be doing anything else now, can I?!” McCoy sobered. “I want him back in the flesh, too, Jim. I want another chance at him.”Kirk squeezed McCoy’s arm. “If it’s at all possible, we’ll make that miracle happen.”McCoy tried to smirk to show his old spunk, but it didn’t quite come off. Somehow, it just seemed sad. “Maybe living in my head will cause some of me to rub off on him.”“That happened a long time ago. You’re such a matched set now, it’s pitiful.”“Don’t go getting mushy," McCoy snarled. "It ain't manly.”But Kirk knew that McCoy’s feelings were just too tender to express, not absent. He knew what McCoy was really feeling.Kirk kneaded McCoy’s arm as he gave him a soft smile. “We’ll find a way. For both of you.” “Take Spock,” Kirk said as he stepped off the transporter pad. He'd saved the newly reincarnated Spock, only to have him nearly die on him again.McCoy grabbed the unconscious Spock and led him away.He had Spock back! In body and form! But was it really Spock? Was Spock truly there in more than body and form?“Help me to help you,” McCoy pleaded. He did not add, ‘Because, darlin,’ I need you.’ McCoy did not know if he could ever add what he really wanted to say to Spock. He did not know if Spock would want to hear that. He did not know if Spock would ever be able to cope with such a responsibility of nurturing another person’s emotional well-being. Spock had been incapable of it before because he’d had another agenda. Now could Spock do it, even if he wanted to? Who knew what problems would appear because of what Spock had gone through with his death and resurrection? “He has to relearn everything,” Kirk explained to the impatient McCoy.“Can we bring him back to what he was?” More than anything, that’s what McCoy realized that he wanted now-- the old Spock they had once known, warts and all. For that was the person he had loved. Even if he couldn't ever have an intimate relationship with him, McCoy just wanted the old Spock back.“I don’t know, Bones, I just don’t know. We’ll keep him with us and hope for the best.” McCoy could tell that Spock felt frustrated. “Having trouble with that math table, Mr. Spock?” “It does not seem logical, Doctor.”“Well, whether it’s logical or not, we have to assume that it is correct.”“We do not,” Spock asserted. “We do not have to take anything at face value.”McCoy frowned. Hadn’t they been in this argument before, dozens of times? But hadn’t they been on opposite sides than they now were? But he must not let Spock stew uselessly about it. It wasn’t good for the recuperating man.“Don’t worry about it, Commander,” McCoy advised with a flirty face. “Nobody’s perfect.”Spock seemed to chew that prospect over. McCoy swore that he could almost see the wheels turning in Spock’s mind. McCoy knew that something was going to come out of Spock’s mouth, and it did.“Oh, yeah?”But McCoy understood Spock's bluster for what it was: a defense mechanism. He gently touched Spock’s arm and leaned into him. “Don’t worry about it, sweetie. You can be whatever you want to be with me, as long as you are you. I’ll make certain that nothing harms you.”Spock’s restless eyes seemed to settle. “Is that true?”“I wouldn’t lie about something like that, darlin.’ Jim and I and the rest of the crew are your friends. We’ll protect you.”“Somehow, I believe that I need more than protection.”For Spock's sake, McCoy controlled his wildly beating heart. It was close, so close. But not yet.“When the time comes for more, I will be here to tell you all about it," McCoy told the still confused man. "I will be here," he repeated. "For whatever you need.”Spock’s eyes grew mellow. “Thank you.” He studied McCoy for a long moment. “I believe that you have a powerful feeling for me.”McCoy straightened but did not release his hold on Spock’s arm. “In it’s own good time, I will tell you more about that, too. For it is a glorious story, indeed.”Spock’s hand settled on the hand that gripped his arm. “And I will try to prepare myself to hear what you have to say. For you are a good man. I have been inside your mind, and it is a good place to be. I want to know that contentment again, Doctor.”Now if only Spock would place McCoy in his heart, McCoy would be happy to reside there forever. But McCoy would give Spock time for that acceptance, too. The future was their friend now.McCoy smiled softly. “In our own good time,” he reassured Spock, and himself.