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Chapter one – The voices in my head
Harvey tried to drown out his brother shouting something after him. He didn’t turn back so he wouldn’t have to watch the disapproving headshake, the disappointment and the hurt in his brother’s eyes. He handed his suitcase to the waiting cab’s driver and got into the car.
“The airport please“, he said once the driver sat down behind the wheel and was surprised by the shake in his own voice.Harvey knew the panic attack was coming before it arrived. Something inside him tingled and without another warning, he fell down the anxiety spiral. Everyone was leaving him or pushing him away. He was all alone. His breathing got uneven and his chest seemed to tighten when the shaking started. He glued his gaze to the window, kept staring at the suburban streets rolling past. Nausea crept up from his stomach into his throat and he knew he was going to be sick. His eyes started stinging. Here he was. Harvey Specter, feared shark in the big ocean of ruthless lawyers, ready to puke into a dirty old cab. „Can you pull over for a minute, please?“ His whisper was barely audible, but the driver, who had already been eyeing him in the rearview window, did as he said and stopped the car. Harvey was out before he even thought about it. His eyes registered that they were on an empty road leading out of town when his body finally let him bend over and throw up on a grass verge. He steadied himself holding onto a light post and just waited for it to be over. When there was nothing left inside him to throw up, he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his mouth. He took a deep, shivering breath and tried to remember what his therapist had taught him. He tried not to fight the anxiety but to let it wash over him like waves that come but also go and finally calmed down enough to get back into the car.
The driver looked at him with concern. “Everything alright, sir?”
“Must have eaten something spoiled.”
“To the airport then?”
Harvey just nodded and leaned his head against the cool glass of the window, closing his eyes and swallowing the tears in his throat.Back at the condo, Harvey just threw his suitcase into a corner and fixed himself a scotch before he even got out of his shoes. The liquid burned in his sore throat, but he immediately refilled the glass, fuller this time. He moved to the window overlooking the city and stared at the glittering lights in the darkness. The streets were crowded. People had somewhere to be, something to do, someone to see. Harvey hadn’t. He checked his phone only to see that Louis and Donna had called him a couple of times. He sighed. Donna had also texted him. Twice.
Donna, 02:04 pm
How much do you think you owe me for sending you home? Thank me later.
Donna, 07:35 pm
Hate to disturb your domestic family bliss but will you be back tomorrow? Louis seems to be losing it a bit and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to calm him down.
A third one arrived just as Harvey had finished reading the second.
Donna, 11:43 pm
Are you alright? I bet you are and I know you hate texting but just a quick note would be great. Otherwise I’ll cancel tomorrow’s appointments.
He emptied his glass and texted back.
Harvey, 11:45 pm
I’m fine. Will be back at the office tomorrow.
Then he turned off his phone, grabbed the scotch-bottle and moved to the bathroom with it.The hot water running down his spine relaxed his flight-sore muscles but not his restless thoughts. He kept replaying the conversation with his mother over and over in his mind, asking himself how he could have thought that they’d ever get along again. She hadn’t changed one bit. She still thought that her behavior could be excused, that what she had done to him could simply be erased. That it was partly his fault that they had no relationship at all when she had been the one that made him who he was. It had taken Harvey years and hours of therapy to understand that his fear of letting anyone close was rooted in his mother’s abuse of his loyalty and trust. She was the one who raised him into a man doubting everything and everyone by putting him in the position of lying to his own father. By making him stand between his parents, having to choose his loyalties between two people he equally loved. He knew his father had forgiven his mother. But Harvey couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not as long as she didn’t understand that as a parent she should have never done what she did. Because she had destroyed a part of him forever. A part that could neither be fixed by apologies nor accusations. It was lost forever, tearing him apart whenever someone left him behind. How dare she still believe that he was the one who needed to be forgiven? He wanted his mother back in his life, yes. But not if she only wanted to make him feel guilty again. He’d had enough of that already.He was still lost in thought and anger when he wrapped a towel around his hips and poured himself his sixth scotch. He swallowed it quickly and avoided looking at himself in the mirror. It would only make the lump of guilt in his throat ache even more. He grabbed the half-empty bottle instead and went to bed with it.He woke up from a nightmare at the middle of the night, knocking his glasses and some paperwork he had been working through before sleep off his lap. Harvey sat in the dark, panting and rubbing his shivering hand over his face. The nightmare still sat in the back of his head, making his skin crawl. He had dreamed of Mike again. Of watching him walk inside that prison, not turning back. Harvey swallowed. Mike was out of prison now, safe. He knew that. But the nightmare still haunted him the same way it had for months. His chest ached and Harvey tried to take a deep breath to make the pain go away. It didn’t work. The lump is his throat was back and darkened his thoughts. He knew the nightmare still haunted him because he deserved it. It was his fault that Mike had gone to prison. His fault he had been mistreated and beaten. His fault that he would never be a lawyer again. His fault that Mike was angry with him for barging in with his life without even asking permission. If he hadn’t employed Mike, supported him to commit fraud, covered up proofs of him not being a lawyer, endorsed him to keep going even when it got dangerous…maybe all of this would never had happened. He should have helped him to get into law school. To become a proper lawyer. Instead, he had ruined his life. He had let him go to prison for something that should have put himself behind bars as well. He hadn’t taken the fall for Mike as he should have. And now he had lost him. Lost what they’d had. It was his fault. All of it. Harvey felt his eyes sting again, and this time, in the empty silence of his bedroom, he let the tears come. They rolled down his cheeks, hot and sticky, and he just let himself fall back onto his pillow, squeezing his eyes shut to stop them from falling. Why did he always make everyone miserable? Why couldn’t he ever do anything right? Why was he such a horrible person?He didn’t find answers or sleep that night. The tears had dried when the sun rose, leaving him with emptiness instead. He got up, got dressed and went to the office without even stopping at the coffee cart.
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Chapter two – Hate to say that I miss you
Donna eyed him with suspicion the second he neared her desk. He tried not to meet her obviously worried gaze and proceeded to his office without even greeting her good morning. The glass-door hadn't yet closed behind him when she appeared in front of his desk, watching him sit down. "What happened, Harvey?" she said, compassion written all over her face. Harvey made a waving gesture. "Nothing." "You don't look like 'nothing.'" Harvey raised his brows. "Donna, please..." "You look like you haven't slept a wink last night. Are you okay?" "I'm fine." Donna frowned. "Did you talk to your mother?" Harvey's face became a stone cold mask. "Leave me alone, Donna. I'm not in the mood." "Don't tell me you didn't even go there." Harvey swallowed, feeling his jaw tighten. "I got work to do." "Yes, Harvey you have. Work you could have done while you pretended to finally make things right with your mother. You will have to talk to her eventually. She is your family." Harvey sprang to his feet, his voice raising. "I talked to her. I followed your stupid advice that I never asked for in the first place. And it turned out that my so called mother is still the selfish, self-absorbed person she has always been. So please, Donna, keep your kitchen sink psychology to yourself and leave me the hell alone." His voice had gotten louder with every word until he was practically shouting. Donna took a step back from Harvey who had moved closer without even noticing. "I'm sorry." Harvey snorted. "Yeah, whatever." He moved to the door and held it open for her. She swallowed and left the office. "Tell Louis I need to talk to him", he shouted over to her desk before he let the door fall close.Harvey tried to listen to Louis ranting away, but his mind kept wandering back to the fight with his mother, to when she said that he should leave like he always did. Was he really that bad? Was he the problem after all? Did he leave people behind so they couldn’t leave him? His skin started to crawl and his hands formed fists without him even noticing. “Harvey! Are you even listening to me?” He snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Louis who was staring at him with a weird mixture of anger and concern. “Sorry, Louis, what did you say?” Louis threw his hands into the air, rolling his eyes. “I said I had to handle your client on my own. Which did not work out. You were needed here, Harvey. If you want to take the reins, which you clearly decided to do because you don’t see me as a suitable managing partner, you have to actually be here. I know you had something to sort out with your family, but this firm is still on the edge of falling apart and if you want me to have your back in the future, I need to be sure you have mine!” Harvey swallowed which left his mouth dry. “I’m sorry I lashed out on you the last time we spoke.” Louis lifted his brows. “What?” “You heard me.” “Alright, apology accepted. That’s not what this is about.” Harvey looked past Louis to the place on the wall where the painting of his mother used to hang. Something inside his chest stung and suddenly, all oxygen seemed to leave the atmosphere. He fumbled at his tie, trying to loosen it a bit, trying to breathe. Louis waved his hand in front of his eyes, calling his name with growing fury and then the nausea came and Harvey ran to the toilet before Louis could even get up from his chair.When he had retched up all his remaining stomach contents, the nausea finally decreased and his lungs seemed to untighten a bit. He got back up from his hurting knees and stretched his back to dispel the stiffness. Closing his eyes, Harvey leaned back against the closed door of the toilet stall. What the hell was he supposed to do now? Louis was mad at him, Donna probably too and Mike…Mike wasn’t even talking to him. He couldn’t blame any of them. He had been a dick to all three of them and he deserved their anger. Maybe he even deserved his mother’s. And Marcus’s. He would have continued sliding down the self-hate-spiral if Louis hadn’t busted into the restroom, raging with fury. “Are you seriously taking a piss in the middle of our conversation? Is that the amount of respect a name partner gets from you? Because if so, I’m not sure you are ready to be managing partner either!” Harvey adjusted his tie, flushed the toilet and exited the stall, raising his hands in defense. “Calm down, Louis.” “Calm down? Are you fucking kidding me? I didn’t even get started!” Harvey tried to keep his demeanor calm and washed his hands. “Listen Louis, I’m sorry I wasn’t here yesterday. You are right. I am wrong. It won’t happen again.” Louis looked at him, baffled. “What?” “I only left the matter to you because I trusted you. But I clearly misjudged the situation.” “Are you saying you shouldn’t have trusted me?” Harvey sighed and threw the paper towel he had dried his hands with into the bin. “I didn’t say that.” Louis snorted. “But that’s what you meant. You think you wouldn’t have lost the client, don’t you?” “All I’m saying is that I should have stayed, okay?” Louis shook his head, an angry grin on his face. “You think I can’t handle this firm on my own? Because that’s what I’ve been doing for weeks now. You are always busy with yourself or Mike or your drama of the week…” Harvey clenched his jaw. “Says the man who’s entire life is a soap opera.” “So that’s what you think of me?” “All I’m saying is you shouldn’t throw bricks inside a glass house.” Louis pouted, shaking his head. “I thought we were past this.” And with that, he walked out of the toilet, leaving Harvey alone. He stood there for another half minute before he turned to the mirrors above the sinks. He stared at himself and felt disgusted. Why had he lashed out on Louis? Why was he pushing everyone away? Probably because he wasn’t worth their attention anyway. Or because he knew that they’d leave him behind sooner or later. Just like Mike had. His eyes started stinging again and Harvey closed his eyes. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about him? Ever since their fight he felt the urge to call him, to apologize. But he couldn’t. Because apologizing meant that he would want to take back what he did but that wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted Mike back here with him. Whatever it took. But Mike didn’t want to come back. He had moved on. Like everyone did. Harvey leaned on a sink and let out a shivering sigh. He heard the door open and close again. When he lifted his gaze, he saw Donna standing behind him, arms crossed in front of her chest. “You should stop behaving like a dick or pay your therapist a visit before you destroy this firm, Harvey.” He looked at her through the mirror, seeing the barely hidden disappointment on her face. She was right. He should stop behaving like a dick. But no therapist could help him achieve that. Because he would never stop running from everything and everyone. That was just who he was. A dick. He turned to Donna and swallowed. “I’m taking the day off.” He walked past her and shook her hand off when it touched his shoulder. Harvey didn’t listen to her calling after him. He took the elevator downstairs and went back to the condo as fast as he could, never looking back.Mike couldn’t wait for Rachel to get home. This day had been a proper emotional rollercoaster. Losing the job at school first but then being offered one by an actual law clinic had been the last thing he would’ve expected to happen when he had gotten out of bed this morning. Right now, he felt like he was bursting with joy. He would be practicing the law again. That was as close as he’d ever come to being an actual lawyer. It was more than he would’ve ever hoped for a couple of weeks ago. He chuckled, looking out of the window of their flat, sipping on the celebratory scotch he had poured himself. It was the one Harvey had given him the day he got out of prison. Harvey, who had done everything to get him out of that place. Mike swallowed and turned away from the window. He was still mad at Harvey for going behind his back. What had he been thinking? That he could convince Mike to come back by acting like it would ever be possible for him to be a proper lawyer? That was impossible and it hurt to be reminded of it, to be told the lie that it could ever be different. The truth was that Mike couldn’t go back to Pearson Spector Litt again because he knew it would destroy him. He wouldn’t be able to stand being a consultant when he damn well knew how awesome it had been to kick ass together with Harvey. They would never be able to fall back into their old dynamic again. He couldn’t have Harvey’s back the way he used to. He’d always be condemned to watch from the sidelines, close to Harvey but no longer by his side. No longer his equal. He sighed. Why was this bothering him so much? He should be happy. Today had been a good day and he was about to share it with his future wife. He tried to smile, but it died before it could reach his eyes. Mike pulled his phone from the pocket of his trousers and opened his contacts. He scrolled to Harvey’s name and let his finger linger over the call-button without ever touching it. He wanted to share his good news with Harvey. Only that he wasn’t sure if they’d even be good news to the other man. Mike turned off the display of his phone and put it down on the kitchen table. He was about to pour the remaining scotch in his glass into the sink when he heard a key turn in the apartment door’s lock.Rachel and Mike went out to celebrate. He left his phone on the table, Rachel left hers at the restaurant’s wardrobe inside her coat’s pocket. None of them knew about the many calls Donna made that evening to either one of them. Mike didn’t notice Harvey’s call in the middle of the night. They didn’t check their phones that night at all. Their happy bubble didn’t burst before the next morning.
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Chapter three – Hate to say that I’m lonely
Harvey sat on the floor, leaning against the condo’s window, staring out into the fading daylight. He took another sip from the nearly empty bottle in his hand. The burning liquid warmed his chest and he let his eyes fall close. The panic had finally declined and left nothing but emptiness behind. Everything inside him seemed to hurt in a way, but pain was better than fear, he decided and took another pull from the bottle. He opened his eyes and noticed he was already seeing double. His mind told him to stop drinking, but Harvey had already decided not to care. Not today. He needed a break from being himself, from being reasonable. His foot gently moved to the beat of the Miles Davis record he had put on and he asked himself why he didn’t just do this more often. Usually he might have found it pathetic to imagine someone getting shitfaced on his own but he only felt comfort at the moment. His thoughts had finally slowed down a little and the guilt in his throat was back on the usual bearable level. The truth was that Harvey was always feeling guilty. All his life, there had been something that made him feel ashamed or wrong and he just never stopped. It was how he handled working for what idealistic people thought to be the bad guys. It didn’t bother him because he felt guilty anyway, no matter what he did. It was easy not to care this way. Every now and then, when the guilt got too much and the self-hatred kicked in, he usually lashed out on someone which made Harvey hate himself even more. There had been a time when things looked a little different though. When he had felt gradually better, less imperfect. But that was before Mike went to prison and everything went to shit. Mike had once changed the man Harvey was. Harvey never really understood why, but the other man had something about him that cracked his shell and let a bit of light float into his protective darkness. He had been a partner in crime, someone to trust, someone to laugh with and someone who Harvey wanted to protect at all costs. But he had screwed that up. He had failed in protecting Mike and he knew he’d never be able to forgive himself. Harvey squinted his eyes, trying to keep his thoughts from going down that road, but his memory reminded him of the look of Mike’s back upon entering the prison anyway. Harvey lifted the bottle to his lips and emptied it. His empty stomach burned, but he opened the second bottle he had prepared next to himself and continued drinking.A couple of hours later, Harvey woke from the buzzing of his phone in his pocket. His head and back hurt and he cursed while he fumbled his phone out of his pocket and sat up. Donna’s name lit up on the display and he hesitated a second before he send the call straight to voicemail. He couldn’t deal with her. Not now. He grimaced as he got up from the floor, feeling the world shift beneath his feet. His foot collided with the empty bottles next to him and he nearly doubled over but found stability in holding on to a bookshelf. He stood for a moment, waiting for his drunken senses to stop the room from spinning around. Harvey looked at the display of his phone. Seven missed calls and it was only 8 pm. For a second he thought about going back to the office, smoothing out things with Louis and Donna and doing his actual job. But he had to admit to himself he was way too drunk to drive, let alone win an argument or even work. So what was he supposed to do? He rubbed his eyes and looked around. He could read one of the billion books he had bought but never read because he never took the time. Unfortunately he doubted he’d be able to read as long as his vision couldn’t properly focus on anything. He’d rather shoot himself than watch television and he didn’t feel like watching a movie either. Maybe he should cook something, but he wasn’t hungry at all. The thought of eating made him nauseous again. What did normal people do when they were on their own? Harvey didn’t feel like doing anything at all. He couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t worked without any appointment or engagement to attend. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been alone without working. The only times he wasn’t busying himself with something were at night, when he slept. Harvey blinked. Was he tired? No. He had slept enough. So what was left for him to do? He looked at his mobile again and opened his contacts. His finger hovered over Mike’s contact for the billionth time this week but once again he couldn’t bring himself to dial. The condo suddenly felt too dark, too tight, too empty. Harvey put his phone back in his pocket, got his coat from the rack and hastily left the condo.Mike checked his mobile while brushing his teeth the next morning and nearly choked on his toothpaste. Donna had called him several times apparently and he also had missed a call by Harvey. His heart skipped a beat and he checked his voicemail. The first message was from Donna who sounded unusually distressed: “Hi Mike, this is Donna. I’m a little worried about Harvey. He rushed from the office today and he doesn’t answer his phone or his door at home. He has kind of disappeared. I usually wouldn’t worry, because he’s Harvey, but…something seems off about this. Call me if you happen to know where he is, okay?” Mike frowned before he pressed play on the second Message. His heart started beating faster when he recognized Harvey’s voice that sounded unusually slurred: “Mike, you know what? I’m done with you being angry with me. All I wanted was to work with you again, okay? But you just decided to change. Ok, good for you, go ahead and change. But don’t come crying to me when you need my help. I…had you listened to me and pinned everything on me you would have never gone to prison. You wouldn’t be a convicted felon. It could have all been alright. But you had to…why do you always have to be so righteous? Why couldn’t you just trust me…? I…I shouldn’t have called. You…you know what? Don’t call me back. This is stupid.” Mike jolted when Rachel suddenly put her hand on his shoulder. “Everything alright?” He blinked and nodded, forcing a smile on his face. “Yeah, all good. I’m just nervous, that’s all.” Rachel smiled. “Big first day, right? It’s going to go well, I am sure. Did someone call you?” Mike shook his head, then nodded. “Just…Donna.” “What did she want?” He shrugged. “I don’t know. “Weird.” Rachel furrowed her brows. “Donna called me too.” “Did she leave a message?” “No. Do you think something happened?” Mike shook his head, putting his hands on her hips. “She probably just wanted to know if I found a job. You know how nosy she is.” She grinned. “And today I can tell her all the good news.” “You can.” “You better get ready now, Mr. Ross. Your clients are waiting for you.” She planted a kiss on his cheek and left the bathroom. Mike let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding and asked himself why on earth he had just lied to his fiancé. Yes, he hadn’t told Rachel about his fight with Harvey, but he could have, right? None of this was a secret. Mike shook his head to himself and finished getting ready for work.Before he finally got on his bike to ride to the office, Mike dialed Donna’s number. “Hi Mike. Sorry I called you last night.” “Everything alright?” “Yeah, I think so. He resurfaced like nothing ever happened. He’s currently fighting with Louis. Seems normal to me.” Mike swallowed, hesitating. “What is it, Mike? I can practically hear you hiding a secret.” “It’s nothing.” Donna sighed. “Why do you all keep saying that to me when you know I’ll know you’re lying?” “I got to go, Donna.” “Hmh. You do that.” With that, she hung up on him and Mike finally drove to work.Meeting his new colleagues, getting to know the office, Mike only experienced it all through a filter that day. In the back of his mind, he couldn’t stop thinking about Harvey’s call. Partly angry, partly worried he asked himself what on earth had been going on and even more important, why he cared so much? This was his first day at a new job. A fresh start. A new chance. He was supposed to be psyched. Instead, he mostly just smiled and nodded and by midday, he was so worked up about the voicemail, he locked himself in his new office and called Harvey back. It took a while, but eventually, Harvey picked up. “What is it, kid?” “Good day to you too, Harvey.” “Is it? I heard you found work. Good for you.” “Yeah…Harvey, what was that call about?” There was a short pause, then a snort. “Oh that. Nothing. I went out with someone and maybe had a drink too much. I’m sorry. Did I say something that hurt your precious feelings?” Now it was Mike’s turn to snort. “I’d apprechiate it if you didn’t call me in the middle of the night.” “Heard. You know what? I can stop calling you altogether.” “Great. You do that.” There was another long pause. Mike heard Harvey breathe. Than the older man hung up on him. Mike threw his phone on his desk and decided to finally do what he had come here for: Work.
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Chapter four – Been one of those days sun don’t wanna come out
Harvey leaned back in his chair, sighing. He had really wanted to make up with Louis, but it was impossible to reason with the man while he was obviously still hurt. Harvey had tried to tell him that he never wanted to question his leadership qualities but Louis wouldn’t have it and had just rushed from his office in the middle of the conversation, mumbling something about lack of empathy. He seemed to agree with Harvey being managing partner but there was something else he seemed to be angry about. Harvey couldn’t put his finger on it. He was too tired and his thoughts were too loud and too racing for him to focus on anything at all. His mind kept going back to his conversations with his mother, with Marcus, back to the call with Mike. He wanted to call him again, tell him he was sorry for going behind his back. That he had never wanted to hurt him. That he not only wanted but needed him back at the firm, back in his life. But the more he even thought about it, the more anxious he grew and so he just tried to keep breathing, to keep going, to keep in control of the feelings blubbering beneath his surface.He checked his calendar, noting that he’d have to convince another rebellious client not to leave the firm in less than an hour. He’d have to be Harvey Specter then, not that pathetic version of himself he currently presented. Maybe he just needed a coffee. His hangover had given him a proper headache by now and the lack of sleep caused by drunkenly wandering around town all night hadn’t helped either. Harvey got up from his chair, closing his jacket and pulling his cuffs into place when Donna entered his office and closed the door behind her.
“I was just heading out.” Harvey gestured towards the door, annoyance written all over his face.
But Donna stood in front of him, not moving an inch.
“Sit back down, Harvey. We ‘ve got to talk.”
“I don’t have time for this, Donna. I’ve got to see a client in less than an hour.”
“I know. That’s why I’m going to make this quick.”
Harvey just rolled his eyes in response.
“Tell me what’s wrong with you, Harvey.”
He chuckled. “Nothing’s wrong with me. What do you mean?”
Donna let out a dry laugh of disbelief. “Ever since you got back from your family, you’re acting weird and I’m starting to be worried. What happened?”
Harvey’s smile dropped and his face darkened.
“It’s none of your business because as you generously pointed out, you are not part of my family.”
Donna’s expression changed to blunt concern. “I’m sorry I said that.”
He pursed his lips, shaking his head. “You were right, no reason to apologize. I pay your salary, I’m your boss and that’s it. So I’d be thankful if you’d let me attend my duties now, okay?”
Donna opened her mouth to say something, but Harvey just pushed past her, quickly heading for the elevators.Harvey loosened his tie once the elevator started moving down. He was glad he was alone. This way he could breathe against the panic building up in his chest without anyone watching. He felt the knot in his chest grow and his whole body starting to tingle while he broke into a shivering sweat. He pressed stop on the elevator. He couldn’t get down to the Lobby like this. Swallowing, he put his hands up and against the elevator’s wall. Taking deep breaths, he waited for the fear to decline, but it wouldn’t stop. His heart hammered in his chest and his mind kept telling him that he had no one, that he was pathetic, that he had destroyed everything. He tried to remember his way out of this maze of fear, but his brain wouldn’t let him and so he just stood there, gasping and feeling the world blurring in front of his eyes. He knew he had to calm down if he didn’t want to faint and so he closed his eyes and forced himself to focus on something other than his panic. Hadn’t his therapist said he should try remembering a moment when he had felt really good and content with himself if the panic got too bad? He tried to find the right memory. Maybe the moment he signed Michael Jordan? No. Didn’t help. The day he became name partner? Difficult. What else was there? He was still searching his conscience for any good memory to hold on to, when his mind came up with a series of moments all on its own. Mike and him in Mike’s kitchen, high on weed and laughing about everything and nothing at all. Mike and him kicking ass in court. Mike and him exchanging a grin. Mike lightly touching his arm, thanking him for something. Mike smiling at him from across the room. Mike. Harvey’s breathing gradually slowed down and the knot in his chest dissolved enough for him to relax a bit. The fear left him as fast as it had gripped him and left him with something else. Pain. Harvey fixed his tie, forced himself to bite down and pressed the button of the elevator to finally go down to the lobby and get to his appointment.Donna had an odd look of concern on her face when she entered Louis’ office.
Louis looked up from a stack of papers and lifted his brows.
“What is it? Did we lose another client? Please don’t tell me we did because this day has already been a nightmare and Harvey…”
“It’s about Harvey.”
Louis leaned back and rolled his eyes. “Of course. When is anything ever not about Harvey?”
“Something’s wrong with him, Louis.”
“You mean because he is a self-righteous asshole?”
Donna shook her head, a serious expression on her face.
“No. I mean seriously wrong.”
The anger disappeared from Louis features. “What do you mean by that?”
“I don’t know. I told you he was going to fix things with his mother, right?”
“Yeah. And I understood that. It was about time.”
“Well it seems he didn’t fix them. I think maybe it somehow even got worse between them.”
Louis raised his brows. “Oh. You mean they had a fight?”
“I have no idea, Louis, but…he just doesn’t seem like Harvey at the moment. Something happened while he was away. Something bad.”
Louis nodded. “You are right. He seems different. You don’t think we need to worry, do you?”
Donna crossed her arms in front of her chest as if she needed something to hold onto.
“I’m not sure. He’s Harvey. He has his dark days, yes, but he usually gets back up on his feet.”
“Maybe he just needs a little time?”
“I hope so. I tried getting through to him. He just lashed out on me. Twice.”
“So what do we do? I mean he sure won’t talk to me. Maybe Mike has better luck?”
Donna shook her head, sighing. “They’re not on talking terms at the moment.”
“What happened?”
“Harvey tried to find a way to get Mike into the bar, it didn’t work but backfired on Mike’s applications and now Mike is pissed because he thinks Harvey only did it to force him back into working here.”
“Did Harvey do it to get him to come back?”
Donna shrugged. “I really don’t know. Maybe. Maybe he only wanted to help him get back on his feet. All I know is that they are not really talking at the moment.”
Louis sighed again. “I say we give Harvey a couple of days, see if he gets back to normal. If he doesn’t, we talk to him together.”
Donna nodded. “I guess you’re right. Maybe I’m just being overprotective.”
Harvey smiled his winning smile when he shook hands with his client to seal their agreement.
He had won him over just the way he’d thought he would by pointing out to him that his planned merger with a smaller and by a closer look nearly broke competitor was a shit idea while his other board members only waited for a reason to get rid of him. Only that it hadn’t been half as much fun as Harvey would’ve imagined. Usually, successful missions like this gave him a shot of confidence. Today, there was nothing but emptiness inside him. Even now. They exchanged their goodbyes and Harvey left the office, heading for his waiting car. He pulled his mobile from his pocket, calling Donna. She picked up after the first ring.
“Tell Louis I handled Peterson electronics. I’m not returning to the office today. I’ve got something to take care of.”Mike poked around at the Chinese takeaway that Rachel had ordered for them, lost in thought when she suddenly called his name.
“Mike? Everything alright?”
He lifted his gaze and forced a smile on his face.
“Of course. I’m just really tired.”
“Maybe you just got to get used to working again.” Rachel grinned and Mike laughed a little.
“Maybe.”
“But your first day was good, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah. Yeah, it was great. The clinic does good work. Important work. It’s the place I need to be. And the colleagues are great too. I mean…I don’t know them that well yet, but they seem pretty skilled to me. And dedicated. It’s great.”
Rachel frowned. “If you say it was ‘great’ once more, I might start to question if you actually really like your new job at all.”
“As I said, I’m just tired, that’s all. I honestly do like the job. It just have a lot on my mind right now.”
“Burried in cases already?”
Mike nodded. “Yeah, absolutely.”
“You’re gonna win them all, I’m sure.”
He looked at her hand softly stroking his forearm and swallowed.
“Thanks. Well technically speaking I can’t win any of them since I’m not a lawyer, but I bet I can help my colleagues win them.”
Rachel’s smile dropped and she sighed. “You’re doing the right thing, Mike.”
He nodded. “I know.”
They finished their meal in silence and went to bed early.
Rachel quickly fell asleep, but Mike lay awake for hours, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the fact that he would never work with Harvey again and asking himself why that made his chest hurt so terribly much.Harvey speeded up, feeling the cold sweat run down his back and hearing his feet steadily hit the ground. His pulse was racing in his ears and he was breathing rapidly as he was running as fast as he could, trying to drown out his thoughts. His breath caught in his throat and he started coughing. He slowed down and stood, leaning against a tree. He felt a little dizzy, so he stood there for a while, waiting for his headache to stop pounding at his temples before he started running again.After two hours, Harvey practically dragged himself back into his flat. The sun had already set by now and he was a sweating, heavy breathing mess. He grabbed a glass from his kitchen counter, filled it with water and drank it in one gulp only to cough it up again a second later. He felt nauseous again, this time from the exhaustion and held on to the sink, waiting for the feeling to pass. He tried drinking another glass of water, slower this time and his stomach accepted it. He walked to the bathroom, wrestled himself out of his completely sweat-soaked sweater and trunks and turned on the shower.The warm water helped calming his body shivering from exhaustion. But his burning legs demanded for him to stop standing so he made it quick. After his shower, Harvey slipped into his bathrobe and thought about eating something, but again, only thinking about food made him nauseous even though his stomach growled. He decided to skip food and walked over to his television to open Netflix, pick a movie he had already seen a billion times – the untouchables – and lean back into the sofa cushions. For a couple of minutes, he managed to focus on the movie and his mouth curved into a small smile. But that was only until his brain reminded him of the fact that he and Mike used to throw movie quotes at each other and sadness wrapped around him like an unwanted blanket again. Harvey hastily got up and walked over to the kitchen to grab an unopened bottle of scotch from the cupboard. He didn’t bother to get a glass. The bottle was half-empty when he finally fell asleep on the sofa with the movie still running in the background.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter five – These wounds won’t seem to heal*
He woke up from the sunlight tickling his nose and blinked against the brightness while sitting up. His whole body hurt and his headache had worsened enough for Harvey to squint his eyes shut again and hiss. His empty stomach growled as he stretched his stiff, sore muscles and forced himself to get up from the sofa. He stood for a second, wiping his tired eyes and tried to remember why he ended up on the sofa in the first place. A look at the bottle on the table freshened up his memory and he sighed. His burning legs forced him to limp a bit while he made his way to the kitchen and pulled the freezer open to throw a mixture of frozen fruits and kale into his blender. He added some water to the mixture and started the blender while he trotted to the bathroom to splash some water on his face. Afterwards, he drank his green smoothie, grimacing as his stomach protested against the intake of anything nutritious. He drank a glass of water to get rid of the kale-taste lingering on his tongue and breathed trough the nausea while he checked his phone. His heart skipped a beat when he noticed the time. It was nearly ten a.m. Harvey didn’t remember the last time he had slept that long on a workday. He hurried to the bathroom and got ready for work as fast as his tortured body let him. Before he left the flat, he took some aspirin to help with his hangover and put on his sunglasses. It was a sunny day after all. No one would notice.Donna looked at her phone, hesitating. She had been willing to call Harvey for hours now. It was more than unusual for him not to turn up at the office without any appointment in his calendar. She tried not to, but she worried nevertheless. Yes, maybe she was being overprotective, but the look in Harvey’s eyes when she asked him what had happened between him and his mother had shaken her to the core. She was sure things hadn’t gone well and the fact that Harvey also wasn’t on good terms with Mike worried her even more. But then again Harvey was Harvey. He handled things the way he saw fit. And as long as he didn’t want Donna’s advice it was of no use to try and get through to him. Donna bit her lip. “He’ll be alright” she silently told herself. “You know him. He is a cat. He’ll land on his feet.” Just as she had decided not to call him, said cat strolled around the corner, sunglasses in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.
“Good morning, Donna” he greeted her, putting the cup on her counter.
She lifted her brows. “What’s that?”
“An apology.”
“For?”
He rolled his eyes and turned away. “It’s got caramel and cream, you know?”
She tried to keep herself from smiling, but her mouth twitched when he turned and smiled at her before he closed the glass door behind him and sat down on his desk.
Donna grabbed the coffee and took a sip. It was sweet bliss and she relaxed. Harvey was okay. He’d just had one of his phases. Everything was alright.Harvey sat behind his computer, staring at the display. He tried to keep his demeanor calm because he knew he was being watched. Donna might have accepted his apology and he knew she had probably stopped worrying for now. But he’d need to be careful. If she found out about the mess he currently felt like, she would lecture him again and he knew that would cause him to lash out on her again and then she’d be seriously pissed at him. Unfortunately, the numbers he was looking at didn’t exactly help with his resolution to stay calm and get back to normal. He had been avoiding to look at their financial situation for weeks, telling himself that it was going to be alright if they saved as many clients as possible.Unfortunately, it was way worse than he had expected. The recent troubles and lack of income within the last couple of months in which he had been more busy getting Mike out of prison than billing anything to a client had ripped a hole in their pockets. It didn’t look serious enough for Harvey to believe that things could not be fixed, but it didn’t look like a walk on the beach either. He hesitated. He should tell Louis about it right now. They should discuss possible solutions together. Louis was better with financial things than him anyway. But he couldn’t bring himself to pick up the phone and ask Louis to his office. After their recent fights, he felt like Louis might take everything the wrong way again and tell Harvey how much it was his fault that their numbers no longer added up. He wouldn’t be able to take that. He already knew how much it was his fault and so he decided he needed to fix this mess himself. Without anyone knowing at best. He picked up his phone and called Robert Zane.Mike smiled at Oliver. He was impressed with the man’s abilities in researching. It had taken him less than half a day to find all the necessary proof to help their client’s eviction get dismissed. Now they were developing a strategy to make sure their client got the compensation for living in a flat with a broken window for months. Mike quickly noticed that Oliver lacked experience with planning out proper reasoning for the court, but he was ready to prep him to do it.
“I’m fucking nervous, I gotta admit.”
Mike nodded. “I know. But you’re going to win this, Oliver. I am sure.”
“I get irritated, you know? And then I have difficulties staying on track.”
Mike gave him a sympathetic smile. “That’s okay. I’ll be there to have your back.”
“But you cannot interfere.”
Mike swallowed and nodded. “That’s true. But I won’t have to. Once I finished prepping you, there’s no threat you won’t be able to fight, okay? We got this.”
Oliver nodded and Mike looked back down on the stash of paper in front of him.
“Let’s go through the phone records again, shall we?”
Mike wanted to start throwing questions at Oliver when his phone started buzzing in his pocket. He froze and his heart skipped a beat when he pulled it out. But a shot of disappointment ran threw him when he looked at the display and saw Rachel’s name. He immediately felt ashamed for his disappointment. What the hell was wrong with him? What had he expected? For Harvey to call him again? What for? And shouldn’t he be happy it was Rachel calling instead? He frowned and looked at Oliver.
“I have to get this. I’ll be back in a second.”
He walked into his office, closed the door and accepted the call.
“If this isn’t my favorite lawyer calling.”
Rachel sighed. “I’m not a lawyer yet.”
“But you will be soon enough.”
“Let’s not jinx it. Anyway, I just wanted to know how you’re doing. You seemed a little insecure yesterday so I wanted to check on you.”
“You mean to make sure the other kids aren’t being to mean to me?”
He heard her chuckle. “Why, are they?”
“No. In fact, they’re great.”
“Good. Will we have dinner tonight? I just finished working on a case and the way things look now I might actually get out of this office on time for once.”
Mike checked his watch. “I’m not sure. I have to prep Oliver for trial and he’s still kind of insecure…”
“Oh I understand. I’m sure he’ll do great once you’ve prepped him.”
“Thank you. See you later, okay?”
“Of course. Love you.”
With that, she ended the call and Mike swallowed. He actually felt like he could finish working on time today. It was only midday and Oliver was doing great. Why had he lied then? Maybe because he didn’t feel like having dinner and answering questions again. Not as long as he felt this…confused. The unresolved argument with Harvey was nagging at him and he didn’t really know how to handle it. A knock on the door threw him out of his thoughts and he lifted his head to see Oliver standing in the doorway.
“I’ve got a question about the precedent, do you have a minute?”
Mike pushed himself out of his chair, nodding. “Of course, let’s go.”
Robert Zane shook his head, laughing.
“I offered to merge less than a week ago and you practically told me to stick it where the sun don’t shine. And now you suddenly changed your mind?”
Harvey’s jaw tensed up and he pulled on his cuffs.
“I just thought about it again and I think it’s a great opportunity for the both of us.”
“Well Harvey, somehow I doubt I’ll be seeing this the same way once we go into due diligence.”
“What are you implying?”
“Come on, Harvey, you can’t fool me. Everyone knows your firm is struggling to survive. If you want something from me, ask me straight to my face.”
“Who told you we were struggling?”
“I didn’t need to be told. It’s an open secret. So what do you want? You want me to save your firm?”
Harvey gritted his teeth. “We don’t need to be saved. But if you don’t think we’re worth it then maybe you’re not worth it.”
Robert Zane crossed his arms in front of his chest, a look of amusement on his face.
“Whatever gets you through the night, Harvey. But I’m not interested. I thought about stretching out my hand to you in order to help my daughter. But I’ve been thinking. If she’d ever find out I only helped your firm to secure her job, she’d never forgive me. So if your firm fails, and I’m sure it will, I’ll just offer her a seat at my table. Which would be better for her anyway.”
Harvey shook his head, an arrogant smirk on his face.
“You’ll regret this.”
“I doubt it. I think that you’ll regret not knowing when you’re beat.”
Harvey turned on his heel and exited the office. Against the protest of his sore legs and aching head, he took the stairwell down instead of the elevator.Harvey sat in the back of his car, hesitating. He knew he should go back to the office and talk to Louis, but thinking about it made his hands shiver. He would have to admit that he had failed, that he was weak and Louis would enjoy it. Harvey swallowed. He couldn’t take that. Not today.
His driver turned around to him, a question mark written all over his face.
“Mr. Specter? Where do you want me to go?”
“Give me a minute.”
He looked out of the window, looking at people passing by, smiling and enjoying the sun. They seemed so careless, so free. Harvey’s headache was getting worse. He looked away, swallowing and adjusting his sunglasses. He sure knew their bank wasn’t willing to increase their loan at the moment. They had told him they felt it was “too risky at the moment”. So he needed another way to fix the hole in their pocket.
His driver turned around again. “I’m sorry, but we have to get off the street.”
Harvey frowned, anger building up on his face. “I said I needed a minute. Just drive.”
He got thrown a slightly worried look but then the car started moving and Harvey looked out of the window again. There was only one way. He had to fix what he had done himself. He couldn’t do that at the office. Donna would notice he was up to something.
“Take me home, please.”
The driver did as he was told.Harvey barely even noticed how he automatically poured himself a scotch while starting his laptop and sitting down with it at the kitchen counter. He emptied the glass in one big gulp and felt the knot in his chest that had become a permanent ache by now untighten a bit. He quickly opened the online banking interface and started typing when his phone rang. He picked up without checking who it was only to regret that a second later.
“Where are you?”
It was Donna. Harvey swallowed.
“I’m working on something.”
“Well you missed your appointment with Stephanie Cooper.”
“Who?”
“Our head of HR. She wanted to discuss the associates’ salaries with you. Some of them have been complaining.”
“The associates are Louis’ business.”
“Yes but you are managing partner and you agreed to meet her today. Now I had to tell her you were at an urgent meeting with a client.”
“Just set up a new meeting.”
“Well will you actually attend it? Because if you don’t intend to anyway, I will hand the matter over to Louis. But don’t come whining to me if he uses that as leverage on you the next time you fight.”
“Why the drama, Donna? I will take care of it. Just not now.”
“Why not, Harvey? Because I’m starting to wonder what’s all that important business you so suddenly have to take care of. The last time I checked I was your secretary and secretaries usually now about their bosses’ appointments. But you didn’t have any this midday. So where have you been?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“You say that an awful lot lately.”
Harvey felt his jaw tighten. “Only because you keep sticking your nose into things that are none of your business.”
“Alright. You know what, Harvey? The next time you apologize, don’t buy a coffee. Try to actually mean it.”
He wanted to shout something back, but she had already hung up on him. He threw the phone on the counter and poured himself another glass. The knot in his jaw still grew. He threw up five minutes later only to keep drinking afterwards.Somewhere in the back of his head, a voice whispered to him that he shouldn’t behave the way he was. Something inside him was trying to tell him that he should really call his therapist, make an appointment. But his clouded mind wouldn’t listen. His alarm bells went off on the thought of getting back on that couch, being told for the billionths time that he should make peace with his mother when he knew he never could.So instead, he transferred a huge amount of his savings to the firm and abandoned the glass to start drinking directly from the bottle again. He closed his laptop and lay down on the couch, the bottle still in hand, only to stare at the ceiling. He tried not to think about the anger and disappointment in Donna’s voice. Or in Louis’ voice. In Marcus’. His mother’s. In Mike’s voice.
“I’m just a fucking disappointment to everyone” he mumbled to himself, rubbing his stinging eyes and taking another sip. His mind went blank. The panic left and emptiness conquered every part of him, drowning out his pain. He lay there, drinking and staring at the ceiling until it went dark.Mike waved as Oliver left the office and turned to shut off his own computer. He sighed and looked at the mess they’d made of the office. Papers were lying everywhere next to their half-eaten lunch and open pens. He ran a hand through his hair. He should go home, have dinner with Rachel, ask her how her day was. But he seemed glued to his seat somehow, unable to make himself go home.Harvey didn’t fall asleep this time. He closed his eyes and waited for sleep to come, but his mind seemed too awake to give him a break. The emptiness faded and made space for pain and fear again. Harvey reached for the bottle and brought it up to his mouth, only to notice it was empty. He threw it down, hearing the glass break on the surface of the wooden floor. His mind was fully awake again now, projecting unwanted memories of all the times he had disappointed any of the people he loved. He saw them shake their head and turn their back on him. He saw them leave. Some of the memories were real, others twisted versions of what had really happened. But all of them hurt.Harvey turned on his side, pulling his knees up to stand the pain radiating from his heart racing in his chest. Why was everyone always angry with him? Why could he never do anything right? He got up in an attempt to flee the shiver that shot through his body and stumbled over to the kitchen counter, grabbing his mobile. He dialed the number he knew by heart and was taken by surprise when someone actually picked up.
“What do you want?”
“Hi Marcus. I just…how are you?”
He heard his younger brother snort. “Since when do you care, Harvey?”
“Listen Marcus I’m sorry I just left the last time. I was…it had nothing to do with you.”
“I know. It has nothing to do with anyone but you.”
Harvey swallowed, feeling the knot in his throat grow and nausea creeping up his spine.
“Let me make it up to you. Next time you are in New York we’ll spend some time. All of us. Bring the kids. We can, I don’t know…go to the zoo.”
“Are you drunk?”
Harvey chuckled. “No, I’m not.”
“So you just forgot I had to explain to the kids why uncle Harvey just left without saying goodbye then?”
Harvey let out a shivering sigh. “Marcus, I’m sorry. Really.”
“Are you now? Because frankly, I don’t care. You never wanted to be a part of this family. Maybe it’s time for all of us to finally accept that.”
“No! No, I want to be part of the family. The…thing with…her…it has nothing to do with you.”
“You mean with mum, Harvey. Just say it. She is your mother, for fuck’s sake!”
Harvey gritted his teeth. “She’s not.” His voice was barely more than an angry slurred whisper, but Marcus had heard him.
“Call me when you’re sober. Or you know what? Don’t call me at all.”
The beeping noise of the phone hurt in Harvey’s ears and he just threw the phone on the counter again, hopelessly trying to swallow the tears in his throat. A sob escaped his tightly shut lips, then another one. He bit his lip until it hurt and wiped his eyes, slipped into his trainers without even thinking about it and left the flat without even taking his mobile with him.He tried to flee from the stream of thoughts and fear and guilt and sadness inside him, running as fast as he could without making his lungs burst. His uneven steps echoed loudly on the pavement and he blinked against the tears that wanted to fall but weren’t allowed to. He barely saw where he was heading and cared even less. He didn’t hear someone shouting for him to stop, didn’t see the light of the car, didn’t notice the squeling tires, didn’t feel the pain inside his leg before he was on the floor and everything went dark.Mike pulled over with his bike when his phone vibrated in his pocket on his way home. He looked at the number on the display he didn’t recognize and picked up with a frown.
“Hello?”
The voice at the other end sounded way to calm and collected for the message it was delivering. Mike barely understood anything it said other than “Mr. Specter”, “Accident”, “hospital” and “his emergency contact”. His world seemed to shift beneath his feet when he hung up and got back on his bike to hit the pedals as hard as he could. *Chapter title taken from "My immortal" by Evanescence this time instead of from a line of "Bad habit" by Ben Platt.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter six - We've become echoes, but echoes, they fade away*
Mike didn't care where he threw his bike once he arrived at the hospital. He just slammed it against a wall at the entrance and sprinted inside, heading for the information desk."Harvey Specter" he managed to blurt out between two gasps for air, "what happened to him?" The nurse behind the desk typed something into her computer and sighed. "Your name please.""Mike Ross. I'm his emergency contact. Someone called me saying he’d had an accident...I...how bad is it?"The nurse looked at her screen. "You'll find his doctor's on the fourth floor. They can tell you what happened." Mike sprinted towards the elevators where he hammered on the button. The seconds ticked by and no elevator was in sight. Mike’s foot was drumming against the floor and he swallowed. A few seconds later he couldn’t take the wait any longer and sprinted towards the stairs and up all the way to the fourth floor. His legs grew heavy and his lungs begged for air, but he kept going as fast as he could, finally pushed open the door to the station and looked around for another information desk. His eyes caught sight of a nurse and he ran over to her, opening his mouth to say something, but there was no breath to form any words. He bent forward, his hands on his knees and took a moment to catch his breath, noticing the worry on the nurse’s face. “Sir, do you have problems breathing?” He shook his head and forced his body to stand straight again. “I’m…” He forced another deep breath into his burning lungs. “Searching for Harvey Specter. I was informed he had an accident.” The nurse nodded, signing him to follow her. “And you are?” “Mike Ross. I’m his…” “Emergency contact, I know. I was the one who called you.” “What happened?” The nurse picked up a phone and dialed a number. “I’ve got someone to see Mr. Specter. Should I send him in or do you want to speak to him first? Okay. I’ll tell him to wait.” She hung up and turned to Mike again. “Dr. Strandman will talk to you in a second. Why don’t you sit down and catch your breath?” Mike looked around to the row of chairs she was pointing at and let himself fall onto one, feeling his body tremble as he did. If it was from fear or exhaustion, he couldn’t have said. His thoughts were racing and his heart was hammering in his chest. He silently prayed to a god he doubted existed that Harvey was okay, that nothing too bad had happened, that he was not severely injured. His mind nevertheless let him imagine a dead Harvey. The thought alone made his eyes sting and his chest ache. He bit his thumbnail to contain the feeling and looked to the floor when someone calmly said his name and sat down next to him. “Mr. Ross? My name is Dr. Strandman.” Mike shook the offered hand of the blonde woman and tried to return her polite smile. “Is Harvey…I mean is Mr. Specter okay? What happened to him?” She sighed, a small smile on her lips. “I believe he is going to be fine, Mr. Ross. He had a little accident involving a car, but he has only been slightly injured.” Mike exhaled a breath he hadn’t know he had been holding. “Thank god.” “He was really very lucky. Apparently he just walked in front of a car. Fortunately, the driver had already braked before seeing him. The car hit his knee and send him to the floor, but it ain’t that bad. He’s got a pulled ligament in his left foot, loads of bruises and a couple of fractured ribs. We checked him for internal bleeding and head-injuries because he had shortly been unconscious after the accident but we found nothing. He’s gonna be alright soon.” Mike leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes and sighing. “Thank you, Doctor.”He took a deep breath and looked at her again. “Can I ask one question though?” “Of course.” “If it’s not that bad then why did you call me?” She bit her lip. “Well. Mr. Specter was heavily intoxicated when he arrived. My guess is he only stumbled in front of that car because he was too drunk to see where he was heading. We would like to keep him here for a night as a routine to make sure he’s alright, but he insists on going home immediately. But since he clearly is too drunk and too injured to go home alone, we decided to call you against his heavy protest.” Mike frowned. “He was drunk?” “Still is. Enough for a proper headache in a couple of hours.” Mike slowly nodded and got to his feet. “Well I’ll better get him before he tries to march out of here on his own, right?” Dr. Strandman nodded. “Yeah. Just one more thing.” She sighed. “He was terribly dehydrated. We took care of that. Just…keep an eye on him, okay? He doesn’t seem to really keep an eye on himself.” Mike nodded, still frowning. “I will.” “Good.” She got on her feet, reached into her gown’s pocket and handed him a bottle of pills. “He’s not in pain at the moment because of the alcohol, but he’ll need them tomorrow. He can take them up to three times a day, but no more. We bandaged his foot and his upper body to stabilize his fractured ribs but he should take it easy for a couple of days. He might experience some difficulty breathing so he should sleep a little more upright than normal.” She watched Mike thoughtfully take the bottle from her hands and smiled. “And now get him out of here before he carries out his threat to sue the hospital for keeping him hostage. You’ll find him in room 407, down the hallway on your left.” Mike chuckled and shook her hand. “I will. Thank you Doctor.” With that, he started marching towards room 407, already lost in thought. Why on earth was Harvey drunk enough to stumble onto a street and get hit by a car? It was early night on a weekday and Harvey never got wasted. What on earth was going on? Mike didn’t make the effort to knock on the door once he found the room. He just opened the door and entered, finding a furious looking Harvey arguing with a nurse that kept pushing him back onto a bed. “I’m going to say this one more time. I am a grown man and you cannot keep me from going. I’m no danger to anyone or to myself so on what grounds...oh.” Harvey noticed Mike standing in the doorway, eyebrows raised and arms crossed in front of his chest. “See?” He gestured towards Mike. “Robin is here to collect Batman. You can leave me alone now.” The nurse shook her head and hissed something under her breath before she pushed past Mike and out of the room, throwing the door close behind her. The room fell silent. Mike cleared his throat. “Hi, Harvey.” Harvey looked at him and chuckled, shaking his head. “Let’s not do that.” “Do what?” “You looking at me like a sad puppy.” Mike snorted. “I’m not looking at you like…” He sighed. “I was worried.” Harvey made a waving gesture. “You shouldn’t have come. It was nothing.” “Harvey, I…” “No sentimental bullshit, okay? Just help me get out of here and get a cab home. I’m sure you have somewhere else to be.” Mike watched Harvey making some weak attempts to get on his feet with gritted teeth before he walked over to him and offered his hand. Harvey looked at it with raised brows and Mike rolled his eyes. “Come on, old man, we don’t have all night. I’m not going to tell anyone.” The other man hesitated another second before he grabbed the offered hand and let Mike pull him to his feet. Harvey swayed on his one uninjured foot, gritting his teeth in pain again and only weakly protested when Mike lifted Harvey’s left arm on his shoulders and carefully wrapped his arm around Harvey’s hip, helping him walk. “If you ever use that as leverage over me, I’m going to kill you.” Mike let out a dry laugh. “Be my guest.” Together, they slowly made their way to the elevators. Mike felt Harvey’s fingers dangling over his upper arm lightly brush against him and wondered about the goosebumps spreading under this touch. He felt the urge to let his own fingers on Harvey’s hip wander, to softly stroke his hand up to his back, to comfort the hissing man next to him. A part of him enjoyed the way Harvey was leaning on him but Mike was too occupied being worried and relieved and angry and amused at the same time to ask himself why. Harvey, in the meantime felt something in his chest flutter and noticed how his heartbeat sped up. He swallowed. Mike’s warmth felt so fucking comfortable. Part of him wanted to pull Mike into a hug and burry his face at his shoulder. He blinked. What on earth was he thinking? The elevator arrived and they slowly stepped inside. Mike tightened his grip around Harvey’s hips when the elevator started moving and he swayed again. “Harvey?” “Hm?” “Can I ask you something?” “That depends, kid.” “Why are you drunk?” Harvey pursed his lips. “I’m not.” Mike snorted. “You smell like a fucking distillery.” “None of your business.” Mike opened his mouth to say something but then the elevator’s doors opened and Harvey wrestled out of Mike’s touch. He staggered out of the elevator, dragging his injured foot over the floor and pressing a hand against his chest, panting. Mike grabbed his arm and tried to hold him back. “Let me help you.” Harvey hissed and pushed him away, avoiding his gaze. “I don’t need your help. Kid. Get home to Rachel. She’ll be wondering where you are.” Mike let go of him and watched Harvey make his way outside and lift his arm to get a cab. He snapped out of his hesitation and hurried outside to open the cab’s door that had just stopped next to Harvey. The older man rolled his eyes. “Leave me alone, Mike. Please.” Their eyes met and Mike flinched under the hurt and fear in Harvey’s gaze. “I promised your doctor to get you home safe and I will.” “Mike Ross – The shining knight of doing the right thing.” Harvey chuckled and Mike rolled his eyes. “Get in the damn cab, Harvey.” He helped him onto the backseat before he went around the car and got in on the other side. Silence filled the cab. Mike wanted to ask so many questions, wanted to understand what was going on, but he knew Harvey would just fight him off. The worry inside his chest grew again. Something was wrong with him. His friend seemed different than usual. There were dark circles under his eyes and even though he didn’t slur, Mike had rarely ever seen Harvey drunk enough to sway as much as he had in the elevator. And then there was the dehydration the Doctor had been talking about. Was Harvey stressed out by his new role as managing partner? Maybe a couple of after work drinks had just gotten out of hand. Maybe Mike shouldn’t worry. Harvey was Harvey after all. Mike frowned. He very well knew that Harvey wasn’t half the hard surface that he presented to everyone around him. He knew a different Harvey. One that worried and cared and always wanted to protect everyone. A man that appeared self-absorbed but was mostly the opposite. Harvey might try to act as if he hadn’t got any feelings but Mike had lurked beyond the façade more than once. He knew that he was scared of losing people. Of admitting weakness. Was this what was going on? Maybe something had happened between him and Donna again? Mike couldn’t put his finger on it, but something felt off. Something was wrong. The fear in Harvey’s eyes had scared the living shit out of him. What was he afraid of? Mike decided he was going to find out. If the other man approved of it or not, he needed to protect his friend. If necessary from himself. Mike dropped his gaze and noticed Harvey’s hand curled into a tight fist only inches from where his own hand lay on the backseat. Something inside him wanted to grab the hand, loosen the fist and slide his finger’s between Harvey’s. He would only need to move his little finger less than an inch to touch him and everything inside him wanted to do just that. Mike swallowed. What was going on with him today? Maybe it was the scare of thinking that he’d lost Harvey. He felt the lump of fear in his stomach again. He had been horrified. But it was okay now. Harvey was fine. Or at least he would be fine. Mike forced himself to stop starring at the fist that appeared to be shivering before he could lose control and give in to his urge to take Harvey’s hand. Harvey kept his eyes fixed on the window, blindly staring outside into the night full of neon lights. He was scared. Seeing Mike again kind of hurt. It reminded him of the friendship he had damaged. Of everything he missed. Mike’s stubbornness and his humor and his compassion. He was ashamed of the way Mike had gotten to see him today. He was scared of how much it would hurt once Mike went home and they went their terribly separate ways again. At the same time he prayed that Mike wouldn’t insist on guiding him all the way up to the condo. He didn’t want him to see the state of the apartment, the empty bottles and the stack of clothes on the floor. He didn’t want to be judged, to be seen as weak. To change the way Mike had always seen him. He swallowed. He needed to get rid of the kid. Before those awkward feeling from their way to the elevator would return and make everything even more complicated. He knew his hand lay only inches away from Mike’s. He wanted to touch him so badly, it hurt. What the fuck was wrong with him? Was he really that touch-starved that he wanted to what? Hit on his best friend? He could never do that. He didn’t want to. Or did he? But anyway, it didn’t matter what he wanted. Mike would be repulsed and then their friendship would be over for good. Harvey’s hand curled into a fist and he felt the well-known shiver creep up his spine while his skin started to crawl. The lump in his throat grew and nausea built in his stomach. He blinked against the sting in his eyes and forced himself to focus on breathing his way through the panic attack. *taken from the lyrics of "Silhouette" by Aquilo.
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Chapter seven - Don't ask if I'm happy, you know that I'm not*
When the car finally stopped in front of the apartment-building, Harvey was still gritting his teeth but had succeeded in breathing through the panic. It helped that he was tired and drunk and in pain. His brain seemed occupied enough to let go of the fear at least for a moment. Harvey even managed to plaster a half-smile on his face when Mike helped him out of the car. They didn’t speak on their way to the elevator even though the air seemed heavy with unsaid words and unasked questions. At the condo’s door, Mike let go of Harvey’s hip and Harvey let his arm slide from his shoulder, even though everything inside him protested against it. They stood there for a couple of seconds, avoiding to look at each other. Harvey gritted his teeth again. The alcohol was slowly starting to wear off and pain conquered his bruised body. He leaned his back against his door and cleared his throat. “I think I got it from here.” Mike nodded, his gaze seeming absent. “Okay.” “Good night.” “Call me if you need anything.” Harvey rolled his eyes upon the honesty on Mike’s face, but his lips curved up into a small smile. “I’m fine.” “Ok. I’m…” Mike pointed to the elevator, hesitating. Harvey waved him away. “Go. You need to get some sleep before work.” Mike nodded again. “Good night, Harvey.” With that, he walked over to the elevator and got in without looking back. Harvey let out a sigh. The smile faded from his face and made space for a painful grimace as he fumbled his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door. Harvey lay in the darkness of his bedroom, breathing shallow and asking himself if the tightness in his chest was caused by fear or his bruised rips. He was so tired he could barely imagine this was a panic attack but still he had to force air into his lungs at every hurting breath. He tried to roll on his side, but a burning pain went from his ribcage through all of his body and he moaned. How the fuck was he supposed to sleep this way? He slowly sat up, groaning and wiping the sweat from his forehead. The breathing got a bit easier now and he took a few deep breaths to stop his head from feeling dizzy. The pain was hammering, but bearable – thanks to the scotch most likely – and Harvey knew his whole body would be hurting like hell in the morning. He reached for some pillows on the empty other side of the bed and stuffed them beneath his back. A sigh of relief left his lips. That was better. He wanted to close his eyes again and try to get a bit of sleep before his limps could start to ache even more when he heard his phone buzz on his nightstand. Harvey hesitated a second before he blindly stretched his arm and grabbed it. The light of the display blinded his tired eyes and reminded him of the headache that was forming beneath his eyes. He hissed and looked at the text he’d received. Mike, 00:54 I forgot to hand you the painkillers your doctor gave me. I’m sorry. She also said you should try sleeping with your upper body propped up a bit to ease breathing. Are you okay? Should I come over for the painkillers? Sorry I forgot.” Harvey’s lips twitched into a smirk when he saw that Mike was still marked as “online” probably waiting for him to answer. Harvey knew the kid well enough to know that he’d be standing on his doorstep in less than half an hour if he didn’t write back, so he did. Harvey, 00:56 I’m good. Found the thing about sleeping out myself, thank you (not). Don’t worry about the painkillers. I can get some tomorrow.” His hands hovered over the keyboard while his heart hammered against his ribcage without him knowing why. Before he could decide otherwise, his fingers typed a second message. Harvey, 00:57 Sorry for scaring you today. I told them not to call you, but they wouldn’t listen.” The answer came immediately. Mike, 00:57 Just don’t do it again. Harvey 00:58 I’m not planning on getting hit by another car anytime soon, so no worries. Mike 00:58 Maybe just don’t go for another jog while drunk. Just to make sure. Harvey 00:59 Yeah. You could be right. Mike, 00:59 We both know I’m always right. Harvey, 01:00 I beg to differ. Mike, 01:00 Which proofs that you, old man, are usually wrong. Harvey, 01:01 There’s no evidence of that. Mike, 01:01 Objection. Harvey 01:02 On what grounds? Mike, 01:02 I could make a list and make it available to the defendant, but not in the middle of the night. I’ve got a job to attend in the morning. Harvey, 01:03 Congratulations on landing that job at the clinic by the way. Mike, 01:03 What? No “you could do better”? Harvey, 01:03 We both know you could. But if the clinic’s what you want, I wish you the best. Mike, 01:04 In another life it would have been far from what I wanted. But right now it is. Harvey, 01:04 I see. They’re lucky to have you. Mike, 01:05 Drinking makes you soft. Harvey, 01:05 Insomnia makes you annoying. Mike, 01:06 I’ll be over in the morning and deliver the painkillers. Harvey, 01:06 You really don’t need to. Mike, 01:07 Don’t care if it hurts your precious pride. I will. Good night. Harvey, 01:07 Night. Harvey rolled his eyes with a smirk before slowly forcing himself out of bed to throw all empty bottles laying around into the bin and stuff the pile of clothing at the living room into the hamper. When he was finished and got back to bed, his face was a grimace of pain and he was panting. He let himself slide onto the pile of pillows again, closed his eyes and despite of his ever-racing thoughts fell asleep immediately. Mike lay awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling. Rachel next to him slept as peaceful as she already had when he’d gotten home. He fumbled with his mobile in his hands, opened the chat with Harvey again and reread it for the seventh time since their conversation had ended. This was the longest row of text messages he had ever received from Harvey. The older man usually refused to text instead of having a phone call, insisting that text messages were for “you weird millenials but not for grown-ups”. But today he seemed to see things differently, which was odd. Everything was kind of odd. Harvey being drunk on a weekday on his own and going for a run intoxicated, Harvey being clumsy enough to get hit by a car, Harvey having Mike listed as his emergency contact (even though Mike had him listed as an emergency contact next to Rachel too), Harvey being distanced and silent and kind of absent. And then there was Mike’s own oddness. The amount of horror and panic he felt upon hearing that Harvey had been in an accident. The way he worried about Harvey. And the weirdest of all things – his sudden urge to touch Harvey. The way his heart had hammered in his chest while he met his gaze. He knew this feeling. It had been sleeping beneath his surface for a while, but he remembered it. He knew Harvey’s smirks had always given him a warm feeling inside his chest and sometimes quickened his pulse. He had always missed Harvey when they hadn’t seen each other in a while – which, before prison, had never been more than a week. But now it felt more intense and Mike didn’t understand why. He lay there, frowning and tossing and turning in his sheets until the early morning, his head full of worries about Harvey. Mike got up before his alarm went off and hurried to make his way to the condo just to drop off the meds and get to work early. At least that was what he told himself. The doorbell rudely awoke Harvey and he hissed sitting up. A wave of pain flooded through all of his body and he squinted his eyes, groaning. His foot felt heavy and swollen and throbbed with pain. His broken rips ached and breathing felt like he just ran a race. On top of that, a bad headache pulsed at his temples. He tried to take a deep breath and pull himself together when the bell rang a second time. “I’m coming!” His voice sounded rough in his own ears and he cleared his throat while he slowly moved to the bed’s edge, waiting for the dizziness in his head to lessen. “Harvey? Are you okay?” He recognized worry in Mike’s voice coming from outside and frowned. “I’m fine, just give me a second!” Harvey forced himself on his one good foot and limped to his wardrobe to pull a sweatshirt over his head. It took him another five minutes to hobble to the door and finally pull it open. Mike’s eyes widened when he saw the sweating, panting mess Harvey was. The older man was leaning against the doorframe, visibly clenching his teeth and holding his ribcage. “You look like shit.” “Good morning to you to” Mike squeezed past Harvey to get into the flat and walked straight into the kitchen, grabbed a glass from the shelf and filled it with water. “Sit.” he commanded, pointing to the sofa and Harvey slowly obeyed with raised eyebrows. “Am I in trouble?” Harvey chuckled but Mike approached the sofa with a serious expression on his face. He put the water and a bottle of pills down in front of him. “Your painkillers. You can take them thrice a day. I think you should have one now.” Harvey tried to keep his lips from twitching but couldn’t hide his amusement. “Alright, nurse.” Mike let himself fall onto the sofa next to Harvey and watched him swallow the pill. Harvey turned to him, amusement still visible on his features. “What are you looking at?” “You’re not going to work today, are you?” Harvey snorted. “Of course I am.” “You’re not.” Mike shook his head before Harvey could protest. “Either you call Donna and tell her you’re sick or I will. And I won’t spare her the details.” Harvey rolled his eyes and leaned back into the sofa cushions, trying to stop a hiss from leaving his mouth. “Alright. I’ll call her.” “You need anything?” “You mean like personal space? Yeah, that’d be great.” Mike rolled his eyes but moved away a bit nevertheless. Harvey instantly regretted having said something. “No I meant like food or I don’t know…a crutch?” “Offer me a crutch again and I’ll throw you out of the fucking window.” Mike grinned. “Ok. I just thought a man your age…” “Get out of my face, you nag.” “Okay. Try not to kill yourself.” “You’ll forever remind me of that accident, won’t you?” “You bet.” Harvey sighed and rolled his eyes. “Great.”Mike swallowed, his smile fading and Harvey watched the expression on his face change with raised brows. “Harvey, can I ask you something?” Harvey shrugged, instantly regretting the movement when his whole ribcage ached. “Fire away.” “What happened last night?” Harvey shook his head. “Nothing ‘happened’, kid.” “You remember when I was in prison and you tried to pretty much safe me from a psychopath willing to kill me?” Harvey frowned. “Of course I do. Where are you heading with this?” “Hear me out. I know you like to act like you never worry but I know you do. So you know how it feels when something happens to a friend. And last night…” Mike swallowed again “had me worried.” Harvey sighed. “Trust me, there’s no need to worry.” “You got hit by a fucking car.” “It was an accident. It barely touched me.” “You were completely wasted.” “I had a drink or two too much, yes. But that’s it, Mike.” Mike looked to the floor, shaking his head. “But why?” “Why what?” “Why get wasted on a weekday? On your own?” “I didn’t…” “Why go for a run when you can barely stand, Harvey? If I didn’t know you better…” “What?” “I don’t know. One could get the wrong idea.” Harvey snorted. “Seriously?” He chuckled. “Don’t you think you’re being a tad melodramatic?” Mike shrugged. “Maybe I am. I don’t know. You tell me. Like, where do you go when you vanish from the office?” “When I do what?” “Donna was so worried she called me to ask if I knew where you were.” “What the fuck, Mike?” Harvey forced himself on his feet. “What are you now? A stalker?” “Just a concerned friend. So, if I’m just being melodramatic you can tell me, right? Where were you?” Harvey’s jaw tensed. “None of your business.” Mike snorted. “Yeah? Last time I checked we were friends.” “Well the last time I checked you wouldn’t even talk to me because you refused to let me help you get a job. But excuse me if I was mistaken, Mike. I thought you had decided to move on when you chose not to work for me.” Harvey had raised his voice with every word until he was shouting. Mike flinched. “I didn’t want to work for you because it would be different and I...” “It doesn’t matter. We’re done.” “Get out.” “Harvey, please, let me…” “Let you what? Waste more of my time? You can lesson me once you stopped lying to yourself.” “What?” “You tell yourself you should work at that clinic, do good and make up for your fraud. You tell yourself you like that pathetic little job when all you really want is to get back at the firm and kick ass again. I tell you something, Mike. It’ll never make you happy.” Mike clenched his jaw. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” “You could have had it all, Mike. I could have fixed it. But you had to take that fucking deal.” Mike shook his head and sighed. “Not that again.” “You should have listened to me! We would have won. I could’ve gotten you into the bar.” “I was guilty, Harvey. And no bar would ever have me, convicted or not. I committed a fraud.” “I could have…” “You couldn’t!” Mike was up on his feet and shouting now, anger clouding his face. “Not even the great Harvey Specter could have fixed this! So stop blaming me for the decision I made. I did it to protect you and the firm and I don’t regret it!” “Well maybe you should.” Harvey had to hold onto the cupboard next to him for support as his stand was getting wobbly. “What does it matter now, Harvey? I got out. I have a new life. I am fine.” “Good for you. Go ahead and live it.” “It’s not you we’re talking about here.” “It ain’t me either. I don’t need your help.” Mike bit his lip. “Is this about Donna?” Harvey chuckled. “Not every fucking thing is about any of you. I don’t know if you noticed, but I am a grownup. I don’t need guidance from a convicted felon.” Mike shook his head. “Why is it that you can never admit not being okay?” “Because I am okay, Mike. I am fine. I am fucking fabulous. Never been better.” He moved towards Mike, a threatening look on his face, pointing to the door. “And now go before I throw you out.” The other man looked at him, a mixture of hurt and worry in his eyes. “Call me if you’re ready to talk.” Harvey pushed him and Mike staggered a few steps back. “Go. Now.” Mike lifted his hands in defense and walked to the door. He hesitated a second, throwing a last worried glace at Harvey before he opened the door and left without saying another word. All tension left Harvey’s body once the door had fallen close behind Mike and he barely made it back to the sofa before collapsing. His heart beat rapidly and his vision blurred and he had to close his eyes to stop himself from throwing up then and there. A couple of deep breaths later, he had pulled himself together enough to put his legs on the sofa and lie down, his back popped up against the cushions. He stared at the ceiling for a couple of minutes, wondering where all the pain had gone but the meds must have kicked in and something inside him had just burned to ash and so he reached for his phone on the table and called Donna. “You had what?” Donna sprang to her feet, the phone still on her ear. She heard Harvey say something about calming down and “it was nothing really” and some chuckle she knew all too well to be fake. “What on earth were you thinking, Harvey?” “I don’t know? Certainly not ‘oh a car, let’s get hit by it’” “I’m coming over.” “What? No.” “Oh yes. I’ll move your appointments and then I’ll fill Louis in and then I’ll be over.” “Donna.” The fake chuckle again. “I got this. It’s barely more than a cold.” Donna bit her tongue not to let her worry make her lash out on Harvey over the phone. “Shut up, Harvey. I’ve had enough of your bullshit. You are going to talk to me.” “I’m not letting you in.” “Well good thing I still have my spare key, right?” “Donna.” “You better don’t move an inch until I get there or I swear you’ll live to regret it.” She hung up and marched to Louis office as fast as possible on heels. Louis sat in his chair, chewing on his lip and shaking his head once Donna finished. She could see him swallow, trying to keep the drama bubbling beneath the surface, trying to blink the glimmer in his eyes away. “He’s gonna be okay, right?” “He called from home. I think he’s not that badly injured.” “That’s not what I mean.” “I know. But I don’t know, Louis.” “You see a pattern?” Donna nodded. “I mean I hate to say it but I do. I think Harvey really has a problem. I don’t exactly know what it is but I think it’s bad, Louis. He needs us to have his back now.” “I understand. I’ll take care of his appointments. Just let me know if there’s anything else I can do.” Donna nodded. “I will.” She gave Louis a smile that wanted to say ‘it’s gonna be okay’ but looked more like ‘oh god I don’t know what to do’ and left to get to Harvey. *Chapter title taken from the Lyrics of Lana del Rey's "Hope is a dangerous thing"
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Chapter eight – The devil’s on your shoulder*
Mike sat hunched over some papers of a new case file – a young woman suing her employer for not paying her overtime as agreed upon in her contract – and reread the relevant paragraph for the third time. His brain usually remembered everything he ever read easily but today it seemed to fail at even processing anything. He couldn’t focus. The words he read never made it to his mind occupied by drifting away. He tried to force himself not to think of his argument with Harvey but the harder he tried, the more questions about it seemed to pop up in his head. He sighed and leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes. What was wrong with Harvey? Why was he behaving so strangely? Mike knew the way Harvey always tried to hide his problems from the world all too well but this time something was different. Harvey seemed kind of absent, lost even, like someone drifting about without a goal. And Harvey without a goal wasn’t Harvey. Taking a deep breath, Mike looked out of his window, asking himself what might have happened. The last time he had seen Harvey this way had been when Donna stopped working for him. But that hadn’t been the case this time. Rachel would have told him. Everyone would be talking about it and Harvey wouldn’t be jogging at nighttime but spend his time plotting on how to get her back. This weird passiveness was new and is was scaring Mike. It didn’t make staying away any easier. He had told himself that after his release from prison he needed distance from his old job and his friend to protect himself. He told himself he was only trying not to hurt by remembering the good old times, trying to do some good for a change. That hanging out with Harvey wasn’t a good idea because it would only lead to him accepting his job offer sooner or later. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew those weren’t the only reasons why he’d been pushing Harvey away lately. He was trying to forget about the nights he lay awake in prison, thinking about his former boss with some weird affection and missing him more than he knew would have been healthy for a friend. He attempted to ignore the weird feeling in his chest that had kind of always been there, ignored or disregarded as harmless fondness in a friendly way. But after yesterday night and this weird urge to touch Harvey – he chuckled at the thought now – it was getting harder to deny something inside him cared a great deal about the other man. Maybe a lot more than he wanted to admit to himself. Not because Harvey was a man, but because he loved Rachel, right? He did. And Harvey loved Donna. Harvey had been his boss, his partner in crime. And they were friends, Family even. And…it was complicated. So why worry about the weird rhythm his heart fell into when Harvey flashed him one of his signature smiles? It was leading him nowhere. The worry though – if rooted in friendship or something bigger – he couldn’t block out. Mike chewed on his pen, trying to make sense of the drunk call, the accident and what Donna had told him. His Lawyer-brain quickly presented him a conclusion he didn’t like at all. Mike swallowed. He needed to talk to Donna as soon as possible. Maybe she knew what to do. She was Harvey’s oldest friend after all. Donna found Harvey laying on the sofa, listening to jazz playing on his phonograph, his eyes closed. She closed the condo’s door with raised brows and turned the music down. Harvey immediately flung his eyes open, throwing her an angry look that nearly made her chuckle. “You must be delighted to see me.” She watched him sitting up with his jaw clenched. “Always”, Harvey mumbled, his voice dripping with irony. Donna pressed her lips together and shook her head. “We can either do this the hard or the easy way, Harvey. Your choice.” Harvey crossed his arms in front of his chest and creased his forehead. “Can we?” “Yes.” Donna sat down in the armchair opposite the sofa and crossed her legs. “You can either just tell me what happened or I’ll find a way to find out myself. And if I do, I’m going to give you hell for not telling me. So…what do you choose?” He sighed, but Donna saw the corners of his lips twitch a tiny bit. She held back a smile, cocking her head when Harvey opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before speaking. “Look, Donna, I…” He pressed the fingertips of his hands together and swallowed. “I had an accident. I went for a jog and I didn’t look before I crossed the street so I got hit by a car. But I am fine. I’ve got some bruised ribs and my foot hurts a little but that’s it.” “Okay, good. I mean the part where you’re not that badly hurt. But that’s not what I meant.” Harvey raised his brows. “What did you mean?” “Well.” Donna put her handbag on the floor next to her and leaned forward in her chair. “I want to know what happened to you, Harvey.” His nostrils flared and his brows snapped together. “I already told you. I had an accident.” “I mean what happened with you when you visited your family. With your mum?” Harvey looked away and shook his head, chuckling his fake chuckle again. “Nothing happened, Donna.” “You know if ‘nothing’ drives you up the walls like this I don’t want to know what happens if you’re ever really upset.” He threw her a questioning look and she sighed. “Look, Harvey, I know you don’t want to talk about it. And I would normally respect that. But you’ve been acting strange lately and I am worried.” Harvey snorted and grounded his jaw. “I thought I had already told you that’s none of your business.” “Except it is, Harvey. And as I said you can either tell me or I will find out. Because frankly I’ve had it up to here with your bullshit.” She gestured towards the ceiling. “So I’m going to ask you once again, nicely, what’s wrong with you?” His voice went up. “Nothing’s wrong with me.” “You look like shit, you leave work for no reason, you disappear, you run in front of cars, you are constantly on edge. Something’s clearly upsetting you. And that upsets me. I just want to help.” Harvey met her gaze. “Donna, I…” “It’s alright. You can tell me everything, remember?” Harvey bit his lip, exhaling through his nose. “It’s just been a lot lately. Mike returning from prison, Jessica leaving, having to fight with Louis about everything, making managing partner…I had to sort some things out.” Donna furrowed her brow. “And your mother?” Harvey made a waving gesture. “Just a little fight. We already made up.” “For good?” Harvey swallowed. “Yeah. No bad blood.” “Okay. So…that’s it?” Harvey forced a smile on his face. “Of course. What did you think?” “I don’t know. That you were kind of depressed?” He snorted again. “I was stressed is all. Maybe I kind of needed the accident to give me a little break.” She looked at him, searching for a clue on his face if he was lying or not, but his expression was so closed up she couldn’t detect anything. “If you say so.” “You don’t believe me.” Donna stood up, crossing her arms. “No, I do. I want to. Just…you know you can always talk to me, right? To all of us. What I said about us not being your family…I didn’t mean it. We are a family at Pearson Specter Litt.” Harvey nodded. “I apprechiate that.” She hesitated a second before she nodded. “Good.” Harvey grinned a little. “I’ll be back at the office tomorrow and then I’ll make things right with Louis so he stops bothering you. How does that sound?” Donna smiled. “Sounds fantastic.” “Okay.” Harvey gestured towards the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Donna scrabbled through her handbag and pulled out something wrapped in aluminum foil. “I got you a bagle to make sure you don’t starve.” She put it on the table and smiled when he laughed a little. “You know I’ve heard of food delivery, right?” “I wasn’t sure if you could handle the phone without the help of your fabulous secretary.” Harvey threw a pillow after her and she ducked, laughing. “Off you go.” “Alright, alright.” She held up her hands in defense. “See you tomorrow.” He watched her pick up her bag, wave and walk out the door. He waited another two minutes before he hastily got up on his feet as fast as he could and staggered to the bathroom to throw up. Afterwards, he stared at his shaking hands, breathing against the tightness of his throat and asking himself what the fuck he was supposed to do. Mike picked up on the third ring and Donna decided to get to the point quickly. “Hi Donna. I just wanted to call you.” “Mike, did you recently talk to Harvey?” “For a fact I did. Why?” “Did you get the feeling that he is…different?” “I sure did.” Donna bit her lip and nodded, exiting the elevator. “I feared that.” “Did something happen?” Donna detected the panic in Mike’s voice and frowned. “No. Or to be honest I don’t really know. Do you have any idea?” “Not the slightest. He seems…” “Sad?” “Yeah. And…absent.” “He does.” “I’m worried.” Donna chuckled. “Me too.” “Have you tried talking to him? I mean you usually succeed in uncovering his secrets.” “I tried. He lied to my face.” “Are you sure?” “Well he said everything was fine and I doubt that.” “I understand.” Donna sighed. “He didn’t tell you anything either, did he?” “No. In fact he got mad when I even implied something was wrong.” “Let me guess: He changed the subject and insulted you.” “You sure know Harvey very well.” “I think this is all my fault.” “What?” Donna swallowed, rubbing her forehead while walking down the street. “I told him to finally make amends with his mother. He tried. But I guess something went wrong because ever since he came back, something’s wrong with him.” “Donna, even if something happened between them, it’s not your fault.” “Maybe not. But I told him he should make up with his real family because we weren’t his family.” There was hesitation at the other end of the line before Mike spoke again. “Why would you say that?” “I don’t know. I just tried to make him move on. He misses you and Jessica and I just thought maybe if he reconnected with his family…I don’t know what I thought. It was stupid.” “Should I try and talk to him again?” Donna took a deep breath while waving for a taxi. “No. You know Harvey. If he feels backed up into a corner, he will only lash out. If he doesn’t want to talk, we can’t force him to. Maybe he just needs some time to deal with whatever he’s dealing with.” “You’re probably right.” “Maybe we’re overreacting. I mean he is a grown man after all.” Mike chuckled. “He doesn’t always behave like one.” Donna let out a dry laugh. “No, that he does not. But none of you does.” “Will you keep an eye on him?” “I’ll try. How are you by the way? Rachel told me you landed a job!” “Yeah, I’m good. The job’s great, really.” Donna frowned. “You don’t really sound like it is.” Mike sighed. “It’s what I want. It’s good work.” “Alright. Well, congratulations. I’m sure you’re the best lawyer they ever had.” “Technically I am not a lawyer.” “Technically I am just a secretary. But we all know that I’m not.” Mike chuckled again. “True. Listen, I’ve got to go. Said work is calling for me.” “Go get them, tiger.” “Thank you. And thanks for calling. You’ll let me know if you find out anything, right?” “I will. Bye, Mike.” She hung up and threw the phone into her bag, A weird feeling caught in her throat. For the first time in a very long time, she didn’t know what to do. Harvey pulled himself together for nearly a full week after that day. He dragged himself to work, hid his pain and the constant panic attacks, met with the head of HR and negotiated the associates’ new salaries, ended his fight with Louis, achieved a successful settlement for a client and managed not to drink in the evenings. The painkillers and the constant fear sitting at his neck made him so tired he couldn’t do anything but sleep once he got home. He was functioning, forcing a smile on his face when necessary and food down his throat whenever nausea allowed him to. He knew Donna watched him with suspicion so he put up a show for her too, behaving as normally as he could manage with the exception of a lot more toilet breaks than usually. He shivered and vomited and panicked his way through the day, his agony invisible even to those who tried to uncover it. And he didn’t answer the phone whenever Mike called. He lived as an empty shell, tormented by nightmares of his mother forcing him to lie and Mike going to prison and everyone leaving him behind every night. But it was ok. He managed. Until Rachel finally stood in his office and asked him if he’d have a minute.Assuming Rachel wanted to talk about a case he said yes only to regret it an instant later. Rachel told him that Mike had tried to call him time and time again, seeking advice on a case and told him how much of a bad friend he was. “You know whom he called when his colleague returned from court, celebrating his victory in a case where a young woman and her son had nearly been thrown out of their home? Whom he wanted to tell how much he envied him instead of being proud? Whom he wanted to tell how much he missed courtrooms and negotiations? You. Because he knew that you of all people would understand. He wanted to speak to a friend. But you didn’t even pick up.” “Rachel, I…” “No, Harvey. This is the part where you listen. He called you again the day after, hoping for some advice on a case involving an ex-client of yours. He wanted to speak to his mentor. Yet again, you didn’t pick up. I don’t know what kind of fight it is you two had and to be honest, I don’t care. But I know that you’re hurting him. He would never tell me but I can see it. Ever since he last talked to you, it’s like a dark cloud is hanging over his head and I swear if you don’t make this right again…” “Then what?” Harvey finally blared out, the vein on his forehead bulging. “The last time I checked I was your employer, Rachel, so you better watch your tone and rethink if you really want to threaten me.” Rachel snorted, disappointment visible in her eyes. “I thought you were better than that.” “Get out of my office.” “Or what? You’ll fire me?” Harvey shook his head. “I’m not going to ask you again.” Rachel raised her hands and backed away. “Okay. If this is the way you treat your friends then maybe you don’t deserve us anyway.” She left and shortly after that, Harvey threw up into the bin under his desk. Afterwards, he wiped his mouth and turned around to check if Donna had seen him, but her place was empty. He got on his feet and left the office as fast as he could. Drinking at a bar seemed less desperate to Harvey than drinking at home but on the second thought he knew he must have looked pathetic sitting in the corner on his own, sipping on his fifth scotch. He had driven all the way up to Brooklyn to make sure he wouldn’t run into anyone doing business with him. People at this part of town raised their brows looking at the suit he still wore but he was way past caring. The combination of alcohol and painkillers already had him fully intoxicated and when he stumbled out into the night a couple of hours later, he didn’t feel the pain inside his body and thoughts any longer. Finally completely conquered by emptiness, he wandered around town, his vision blurry and his step unstable. He didn’t know how he ended on the bench at the central park. He tried to tell himself to stay awake, but laying down seemed so logical. He only wanted to close his eyes for a little second. Just a minute or two. Then he’d go home and tomorrow he would fix things for sure. He woke up from someone trying to pull his wallet from the pocket on the inside of his suits' jacket. All senses immediately on full alert, he opened his eyes and sprang to his feet, the trained boxer inside him aiming for the head of the attacker without even thinking about it. The burglar went to the ground on the first punch, but anger awoke in Harvey and he wanted to hit him again when someone grabbed him from behind. Harvey resisted the grab, but was too drunk to free himself yet too strong to be stopped from raging. The struggle went on for another couple of minutes. There was shouting and someone trying to help the man on the ground. Before Harvey understood what was happening, sirens blasted through the air, something clicked behind his back and someone led him to a police car. He didn’t resist. The look on Jessica’s face showed nothing but disappointment. Harvey blinked against the brightness flooding in through the window behind her and got on his feet. “Thank you for picking me up.” He tried to grin, but only grimaced as he walked past her out of his cell. Jessica simply shook her head as she accompanied him outside. He stood in the morning sun, rubbing his head that was throbbing with a bad hangover and sighed. “How bad is it?” “I succeeded in stopping the burglar to press charges. He knows the police believes that you acted out of self-defense.” “Did I hurt him?” “Nothing more than a black eye and a bad headache.” “That bastard.” “So you walk around hitting people now?” She opened the door of her car for him and they got in. “He had it coming.” Jessica nodded, a small smile on her face. “What were you doing at the park in the middle of the night? Drunk?” “I just went for a walk.” She raised her brows as the car started moving. “What’s going on, Harvey?” “Nothing.” “You can try to fool everyone else all you want. But don’t you dare lying to me. Not after I just had to pick you up from the precinct like a goddamn rebellious teenager.” Harvey sighed, avoiding her gaze and staring out of the window. “I’m…I don’t know.” “What do you mean, you don’t know?” Harvey pressed his lips together and swallowed. “I mean I don’t know. Something is…” “Something is what?” Harvey’s voice dropped to barely more than a whisper. “It’s nothing.” Jessica nodded. “I see.” “Do you?” He looked at her, a mixture of anger and sadness in his eyes. “Have you considered seeing your therapist again?” “I don’t need to.” She raised her brows again. “I beg to differ.” “Don’t look at me like I am your disobedient son.” “Well somehow you are, aren’t you?” He snorted and Jessica sighed. The car stopped. “Well, here we are. Get some sleep and call me once you’ve sobered up. I'll let Donna know you have something to sort out for me today.” “Thank you, but I’ve got it from here.” Jessica’s expression darkened. “Harvey, you need to tell me what is going on with you.” He snorted again, angrier this time. “I’m not your son and you’re no longer my boss. So I’d rather not, thank you.” “I didn’t pull you out of that mail room all those years ago only for you to throw your life away.” He opened the door. “I’m not throwing anything away.” Jessica looked at him, concern glimmering in her eyes. “I hope you don’t.” It was that night that the voices inside his head that were his own self-hatred got too much to bear. He tried drinking again but after half a bottle of scotch, his body couldn’t hold anything inside, not even liquid. So he threw the bottle against the kitchen counter and watched the splinters spread all over the floor. Nausea crept up his neck for the billionths time and he staggered towards the bathroom when he tripped on his shoes lying around and fell to the floor, his hands hitting the splinters. He felt a shard bore into the flesh of his hand and howled. Blood ran down his arm and he struggled back on his feet to fetch a kitchen towel and wrap it around his hand. The red liquid kept dripping onto the floor nevertheless and he started feeling dizzy. He knew he needed to pull the splinter from his hand to stop the bleeding, but even the thought made his vision blur. He hated the sight of blood. Panic crept up his spine again, his chest tightened and for a second he thought he was going to faint then and there. That he was drowning without even being underwater. Hot tears started gathered in the corners of his eyes and he had to hold on to the kitchen counter. Desperation clenched his heart. He didn’t know what to do. His whole body started to shiver and his mind was racing, reminding him of all the things in life he had done wrong, of all his failures and character flaws. He staggered to the bedroom, letting himself fall onto the bed and burying his head under the pillow. He felt blood drip from his burning hand onto the soft white sheets and asked himself what it even mattered. It would stop bleeding sooner or later. And if it didn’t, who even cared? His heart skipped a beat and his mind stopped racing. This was enough. Harvey sat up, his aching ribs protesting, and forced a deep breath into his lungs. He swallowed and reached for his phone, his hands knowing whom to call without Harvey even thinking about it. Mike still sat at the office, reviewing a file when his phone rang. He frowned when he saw Harvey’s name light up on his display and despite his heart immediately hammering in his chest, hesitated to pick up. He lifted up the phone and stared at it, feeling it vibrate inside of his hand. Then he finally hit ‘accept’. “Mike?” Harvey’s voice sounded hoarse and unsteady and all anger immediately left Mike’s face, making space for worry. “Harvey? What…are you okay?” “I need your help.” Harvey’s voice nearly broke at the end of the sentence and something inside Mike’s chest started to burn at the sound of it. “Where are you?” “My place.” “What happened?” “I…have some kind of a problem that I, erm…” He heard Harvey clear his throat “cannot solve alone.” Mike’s heart skipped a beat when Harvey’s voice trembled again. Something was clearly horribly wrong. “Stay where you are. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” He ended the call and sprinted to his new bike – his old one had been stolen at the hospital last week – to ride like the devil once again. Mike grew more anxious with every second that passed while he stood in front of Harvey’s door, waiting for him to open up. He heard someone moving behind it and tried to keep calm. “Harvey?” He shouted and hammered against the door again but got no reply. Mike bit his lip and already considered trying to break the lock when Harvey finally opened the door and Mike’s mouth opened in shock. It took him a second before he could respond to what he was seeing – Harvey barely holding himself up and bleeding, blood smeared all over his t-shirt and trousers, a painful grimace on his face and fear visible in his gleaming eyes. “God, Harvey, what did you do?” Harvey tried to take a step backwards and nearly fell but Mike grabbed his wrist and held him steady. He got into the flat, threw the door close behind him and helped a shivering Harvey onto the sofa before he kneeled down in front of him. Mike gently unwrapped the kitchen cloth from Harvey’s shaking hand, his heart clenching in his chest as Harvey hissed and his breathing quickened. “It’s going to be okay, Harvey. We’ll fix this.” Harvey hissed again when Mike finally uncovered the cut in his hand, the splinter still stuck inside it and the wound still spilling blood. “Ouch. How did that end up inside your hand?” Harvey swallowed, looking away as his stomach started to rumble at the look of the wound. “Long story short: Broken bottle, I tripped and fell into its remains.” Mike sighed and got on his feet. “Do you have a first aid kit?” “The cabinet above the sink in the bathroom.” “I’ll go get it. You don’t move.” Mike’s heart unclenched a bit when he saw Harvey roll his eyes. Harvey tried to pull himself together while Mike was rummaging through the cabinet and secretely dried the corners of his eyes on the sleeve of his T-Shirt while silently telling himself to stop being melodramatic. He even managed to smile a little when Mike returned, a bundle of bandages and a pair of pincers in hand. He watched the younger man kneel down again and swallowed, trying to grab the stuff from Mike’s hands. “I can do that myself.” Mike frowned. “If you could, you wouldn’t have called me…” Harvey dropped his gaze and swallowed, staying silent. He examined the wound, gently turning Harvey’s hand in his own. “Maybe we should go to the hospital to get this removed.” “No.” Harvey shot him one of his signature death threat looks and Mike chuckled. “I kind of guessed you’d say that. I’ll try to pull the splinter out but if it doesn’t stop bleeding after I bandaged it, I’m taking you to the ER.” “It’s just a scratch.” “And yet again, I guessed you’d say that. Now hold still.” Mike watched Harvey swallow, visibly uncomfortable and he softly pushed his chin to make him look away. “It’s okay, Harvey. You can trust me. You don’t need to watch.” Harvey just nodded and Mike got to work. The splinter was easy to remove and Harvey didn’t make a sound as Mike carefully disinfected the wound, stroking it gently with a cotton ball drenched in sanitizer. Mike watched him clench his jaw and hurried to wrap the bandages around the injured hand. Once he was finished, he carefully put the hand back on Harvey’s knee, leaving his own hand on the older man’s shivering one a little longer than necessary before he cleared his throat and stood up. Harvey turned back to him. “Thank you.” Mike only nodded. “Where did the bottle break?” Harvey pointed to the kitchen counter. “Let me clean my mess up myself.” “No.” Mike threw him a look he couldn’t quite decipher and got to work. Harvey stayed put on the sofa, too scared that his legs wouldn’t carry him and listened to Mike cleaning up behind his back. He wanted to say something, but didn’t trust his voice and so he just sat there, focusing on his breathing and trying to manage his panic. Suddenly, a wet towel dangled in front of his face and he took it to clean the blood from his other hand and arms. “Thanks.” Mike walked to the bath to wash his own hands and sat down beside Harvey when he got back. Harvey forced himself to look at him and noticed the bloodstains on Mike’s suit. “Sorry for calling. And for ruining your suit. I’ll get you a new one.” Mike shook his head. “No need. As long as you tell me what’s going on.” A sad chuckle left Harvey’s mouth before he could hold it back and he fumbled on the bandage wrapped around his injured hand. “I won’t get away with saying ‘nothing’ this time, will I?” “After calling me sounding like somebody died and opening the door bleeding? Nah.” Harvey swallowed and leaned back against the sofa cushions. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this.” “What ‘this’?” “I shouldn’t have called. It was just…I’m not good with blood and…” “It’s fine Harvey, really. I just want to help.” “I know.” Harvey looked to the floor, swallowing. “I guess I’m just not really good at accepting help.” “You don’t say!” Harvey’s lips curled up and Mike smiled back in response. “Is that so obvious?” “Kind of, yeah.” Harvey’s expression got serious again. “Rachel said you tried to call me.” “I did.” “I’m sorry I didn’t pick up.” Mike nodded. “Why didn’t you?” Harvey swallowed, a knot building in his throat again. He forced a deep breath into his lungs. “I was busy.” “Doing what?” Harvey’s hands where heavily shaking by now and he clenched them into fists. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out and so he just sat there, his heart racing in his chest and sickness building in his stomach. Mike sat next to him, their legs nearly touching and watched him with growing concern. “Harvey, are you okay?” When he didn’t get a response, he reached for Harvey’s injured hand and opened the fist. “Stop. You’ll only make the wound bleed again.” Harvey looked at Mike’s hand gently holding his own and swallowed. “I think you should go.” “You’ll have to throw me out of the window to make me. I’m not leaving you alone tonight.” Harvey snorted. “I don’t need to be babysitted.” His voice was shaky. “I want to make sure you are okay.” “I am.” “You’re fucking shaking. You’re not okay.” Harvey threw his head back, blinking against the tears that tried to leave his eyes and sighed. “I’m probably not.” “Will you tell me why?” Harvey avoided meeting his gaze and tried to focus on Mike’s touch on his hand that was somehow calming him down a little. “I…” He rubbed his brows with his free hand “My panic attacks are…back. And they are way worse than the last time.” Mike gently let go of Harvey’s hand, touching his shoulder now. “When did they start?” “A couple of weeks ago.” “Out of the blue?” “Not really.” “Do you want to talk about it?” Harvey swallowed and shook his head. “I don’t think I can, Mike. I’m sorry.” “It’s alright, you don’t have to.” *Chapter-title again taken from Aquilo's "Silhouette"
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Chapter nine - But if I falter, well at least it was my mistake They sat in silence for a full minute before Mike spoke again. “If there’s anything that I can do…” “You already did, right?” Harvey lifted his injured hand and Mike frowned. “Did it stop bleeding?” “I think so.” Mike gently took his hand again and examined the bandage. It was still white and seemed to be okay. “You’re lucky. I’m not forcing you to the ER tonight.” “I wouldn’t have let you.” The smile on his face didn’t reach Harvey’s eyes. Mike mustered his face, noticing dark circles under his friend’s eyes. He felt his hand shiver inside his own and saw that Harvey’s chest was moving up and down faster than it should. Leaning a bit closer, he put his hand on Harvey’s shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze. The older man lifted his gaze and looked at him, his dark eyes glistening. “I owe you one.” Mike shook his head. “You’d do the same for me. You’d even gone to prison for me.” Harvey smirked a little. “You mean I would have found a way to keep us both out of there.” “Maybe”The older man looked at him, questions in his eyes but he didn’t say anything. He just sat there, noting how his breath had finally calmed down and the lump in his chest no longer felt like it was choking him. Nausea was on a bearable level and the shivering was slowly declining. He felt calmer. His sight wandered to the hand that was holding his and Harvey cleared his throat. Mike followed his gaze and immediately let go of his hand. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” “Of course not.” “Yeah.” They fell silent again, and Harvey felt his heart speed up in his chest again but for an entirely different reason this time. Mike got on his feet. “Mind if I get a glass of water?” “Suit yourself.” Mike wandered to the kitchen, leaving a heavy silence behind that made Harvey’s skin crawl. “You should head home, it’s late.” Mike reappeared in front of him, two glasses of water in his hands. He put one down on the table in front of Harvey while sipping on his own. “I won’t.” Harvey rolled his eyes and sighed. “Why not?” “I’m staying over whether you want it or not.” “Rachel will be worried.” “I told her I’m not coming home tonight. She’ll understand.” Harvey lifted his brows and Mike sighed. “I told her I had to work on a case.” “You lied to her?” “Thought maybe you wouldn’t want me spreading the news that you’ve suddenly become clumsy with glass.” “I forgot how clever you are.” Mike laughed a little. “Anyway. I’ll sleep on the sofa if you don’t mind.” The other man shrugged. “I don’t. I should get to bed anyway.” “Yeah. Maybe change your clothes first.” Harvey looked down on himself and sighed, noticing the dried bloodstains all over his shirt and trousers. “Carrie would blush at the sight of me.” Mike cocked his head. “You do kind of look like you killed someone, but it’s not full Carrie.” Harvey smirked and headed towards the bedroom. He ignored the burning pain his ribcage and swollen foot sent through his body while he searched his wardrobe for a blanket. Mike sat back on the sofa, put his empty glass on the table and tried to calm down. He was still beyond worried and didn’t really know what to do. The way that Harvey had been shivering and willing to admit not being okay had scared the shit out of him. He could stay here tonight, yes, but what would happen tomorrow? Could Harvey be left alone? In some dark corner of his mind, Mike worried that Harvey had not accidentally hurt himself. He tried to shove the thought away, but it lingered. He knew Harvey wasn’t the type of person to do something like that but nobody really was before they actually did it. He knew Harvey struggled, but he had no idea how bad it might be. He wished Harvey told him what had triggered his panic attacks and visible depression but he knew it was not his place to ask again. All he could do was to be there and offer to help. Accepting it was Harvey’s choice and Mike hated it. He hated how they had fallen back to banter and how he had fled from the situation when Harvey had noticed him still holding his hand. What was he doing? Why was he thinking about this now? It was more important to find a way to help Harvey than to reflect on god knows what was going on with himself. He could solve that puzzle later. Something soft touching his cheek threw him out of his thoughts and made him look up. Harvey stood there, slapping him with the pillow in his hand, frowning. “You okay?” “Yeah.” Mike cleared his throat. “Sorry, I’m just…tired.” Harvey nodded and handed him the pillow. “I’ll get you a blanket.” “Thanks.” Mike briefly closed his eyes, silently cursing before he pulled himself together and finally slipped out of the jacket he was still wearing. He hung it on the wardrobe next to the entrance door, knowing how much Harvey hated clothes on the floor, and headed back to the sofa. Harvey was throwing a blanket on it, now only wearing some sweatpants and Mike swallowed at the sight of Harvey’s uncovered upper body. “Does it still hurt?” Harvey turned around to him, frowning. “The hand? No. It’s just a scratch.” “I mean this.” Mike stepped closer, pointing at the bruises on Harvey’s ribcage that shimmered in different shades of blue, green, brown and yellow. Harvey shrugged. “Not that bad.” Mike resisted the sudden urge to pull Harvey into a tight hug and just nodded. An awkward silence spread between them again and for a brief second Mike thought he detected a little spark of amusement in Harvey’s eyes. “Are you done staring at me?” Mike let out a dry laugh. “I’m not staring at you.” Harvey rolled his eyes again, the corners of his mouth curling up. “Good night, Mike.” Mike hesitated a second. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep?” Harvey sighed. “I’ll be fine. Good night.” “Good night.” Mike watched Harvey slowly walk to his bedroom and flinched when the other man turned around, catching him staring again. “Thank you, Mike.” Mike just nodded and Harvey finally disappeared into the darkness of his bedroom. Mike stripped down onto his underwear, turned off the light and tried to get comfortable on the sofa, forcing his eyes close and waiting for sleep to come. His mind was wide awake and so he reopened his eyes to stare at the ceiling and wait for the night to pass, his thoughts racing in his mind. For the first time in more than a week, Harvey felt calm. He heard the rustling of a blanket in the living room, listened to Mike’s soft breathing in the distance and something inside him fell into place. His loneliness stopped overwhelming him and for a moment, the heart in his chest didn’t feel like a heavy frozen rock. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift into sleep before he could start to question anything. Mike woke from a rustling noise. He opened his eyes blinking against the insane brightness of the morning flooding in through the huge windows of Harvey’s apartment and sat up. Yawning and rubbing his eyes, he watched Harvey approach him, two cups in hand. “Rise, sleepyhead.” Mike reached for one of the cups and took a sip from the coffee, burning his tongue. “What time is it?” Harvey sat down on the armchair opposite the sofa, drinking from his own coffee. “Quarter to seven.” Mike yawned again, stretching his back. “I had forgotten that your sofa is a fucking nightmare.” “Maybe you’re just getting a little too old for sleepovers.” “Says the old man.” Harvey chuckled and Mike smiled at the well known grin spreading on his friend’s face. “Says the wise man, Rookie.” Mike snorted. “You didn’t call me a Rookie in ages.” “Because let’s face it, Mike. You’re not really young any longer. At least you snore like an old man.” “I don’t.” Harvey grinned again. “You do.” He pulled his mobile from his jogger’s pocket and touched the display. Recorded snorting blasted from its speakers and Mike hid his face behind his free hand. “Oh god.” Harvey burst into laughter. “You sound like a goddamn chainsaw.” The other man tried to snatch the mobile from his hand, but Harvey pulled his hand away, still grinning. “Delete that.” “Why? Are you afraid I’m gonna send it to Rachel? No offense buddy, but I guess she already knows.” Mike rolled his eyes and took another sip from his coffee. “Alright, alright. Sometimes I snore.” The recording got louder, revealing particularly nasty snore and Harvey chuckled again. “No wonder they tried to kill you in prison.” Mike shook his head but the corners of his mouth twitched into a grin and a second later, both men were laughing at the next chainsaw-like snore until the recording died out and Harvey let his phone slide back into his pocket. “I’ll use that as leverage over you one day, kid.” “Go ahead. If you want anyone to know that you’ve got nothing better to do than standing next to a sleeping man like a creep and record the noises he makes while recovering from hard work.” “Touché.” Mike grinned, throwing his blanket back and putting the half-empty cup on the coffee-table. “Speaking of work – you should get ready.” Harvey pointed in the direction of the bathroom and Mike slowly nodded. “I should.” He wanted to ask Harvey if he was going to be alright, but he felt like that possibility was off the table in bright daylight. So Mike tried a different approach. “Think I can come by after work? I actually happen to really have a case that I could use some advice with.” Harvey smirked. “Sure, rookie.” Mike rolled his eyes and got up from the sofa, stretching again. “There’s a fresh shirt in the bathroom for you so you don’t have to walk the walk of shame.” Their eyes met and Mike grinned. “You know how to treat a lady, Mr. Specter.” Harvey just grinned at him over his coffee-cup and Mike walked to the bathroom, shaking his head with a smile on his face. Harvey sighed when the bathroom-door closed behind Mike and swallowed the rest of his coffee in a few big gulps. His stomach rumbled a bit, but seemed to accept it nevertheless. Maybe he could actually eat something today. Harvey thought about a bagle from the coffee-cart and waited for nausea to come, but it stayed away. He smiled. Maybe he was okay again. This had just been an episode of devastation that was over now. He was fine. He put the two cups in his sink and went to his bedroom to choose a suit for today. It was time to get back to the office and be managing partner again. By midday, Harvey had succeeded in calming Jessica down who had called him to make sure he was back to his senses. He knew she didn’t fully believe him when he told her he’d just been stressed and needed to let off some steam, but she was ready to leave him alone for now. Louis was awkwardly polite and Harvey knew he had to thank Donna for it. She still eyed him with suspicion, her smile a little too bright whenever he caught her looking and he tried not to feel humiliated. A tiny part of him was glad he had friends that actually cared. But a much bigger part didn’t want anyone to know anything. But that didn’t matter anymore. He was fine again. He had even eaten a bagle without feeling sick. Everything was under control. He looked at the email he had just sent to a client, content with himself for a second. Then he looked up from the monitor and swallowed. Harvey chewed on the inside of his cheek when he saw Louis approaching his office, his face full of worry. He took a deep breath and tried to prepare for whatever hail of questions might be coming but Louis was already through the door and approached his desk. “What were you thinking?” Harvey put a grin on his face. “You mean when I decided to allow you to get your name on the wall?” “Harvey, I’m serious. Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” “Find out what?” “You…” Louis made that face he made when he was searching for words and Harvey hated it. The face meant that Louis really was worried instead of angry. He preferred angry Louis over the worried one. He knew how to deal with anger. “Louis, whatever your made up problem is this time, just spit it out!” “You could have told me, Harvey. I know you are managing partner and I’m okay with that. For now. But that does not mean you have to shoulder all of our problems on your own.” “Could you be a little more cryptic, please? I think a Russian spy might actually be clever enough to decipher the nonsense coming out of you.” “I just got a call from Carol.” “Who’s that?” “Our head of finance, goddamnit. Don’t you even know your own employees?” Harvey shrugged and Louis sat down, crossing his legs and taking a deep breath. “Anyway. Carol called me because she wondered where the huge amount of money in our account had come from. She said she was happy we were out of the red numbers but needed vouchers to document the source. For a second I felt like an idiot because I didn’t know anything about that money. I didn’t even know we had been in trouble in the first place. But then I checked where the payment had come from and when I understood it was your bank, it got me thinking. You’d been absent lately, running errands without telling anyone what business exactly you were attending. And then I remembered overhearing a fight of Rachel with her father, hearing her shout at him on the phone that the firm would never sink and that she couldn’t just leave. And then I understood it. It’s your money. You tried to save us without even telling anyone. When Robert Zane declined your offer to merge, you paid everything out of your own pocket.” “Louis, I…” “Why didn’t you come to me?” Harvey chewed on the inside of his cheek again, clenched his jaw. “I just wanted to fix it.” “But you didn’t. The bylaws don’t allow you to invest such a sum without consulting all partners. I implemented that clause myself to avoid a managing partner buying everyone else out.” Harvey clenched his teeth. He looked away, his gaze landing on the empty spot where the picture painted by his mother used to hang. He remembered the disappointment in her eyes when he had refused to accept her accusation that their broken relationship had been partly his fault. His fault. Everything. He was always wrong. He always screwed up. Everything he ever fixed broke again one day. Harvey swallowed as Louis rambled on. His throat was closing and all air seemed to be leaving his body. He reached for his tie, trying to loosen it, but his hands were already trembling too much for him to manage. “Harvey?” Louis’ voice sounded far away and he blinked, turned his head and tried to focus on the other man, tried to listen, but he words coming from his mouth didn’t seem to make any sense. The knot in Harvey’s chest grew and Harvey got up to his feet, staggering to one of the windows, leaning his forehead against it. He looked down on the wideness of the city’s maze of streets and forced himself to slowly suck a deep breath in through his nose and force it out through his mouth. His lungs kept begging for more air and his stomach rumbled, but at least it stopped getting worse. The panic stayed, but the wave did not bury him. He kept breathing, unable to hear Louis sounding more and more anxious. He didn’t notice that Donna was suddenly in the room, touching his shoulder and talking to him. He just closed his eyes and thought of the only thing that always seemed to help. “Mike.” It took him a while to understand that he must have said it out loud but somehow he heard Rachel – since when had she been here? – say that she had called him and he was on his way. He tried to snap out of his absence, wanted to protest, to tell them everything was fine and that he didn’t need any help but he couldn’t. The panic got worse again so he focused on thinking about better days when Mike had been here, joking around with him, having his back, looking at him with mischief in his eyes. He slowly calmed down again, hidden away from the world in his cocoon of memories. Rachel, Donna and Louis exchanged worried looks and stood next to Harvey who still wasn’t responding at all. Rachel held her phone tight to her chest and swallowed. “Mike said he’ll be here in less than twenty minutes.” Donna blinked and nodded. “Good. Does he know what’s going on?” Rachel slightly nodded, turning away from Harvey a bit and lowering her voice to a whisper. “He didn’t want to tell me but he knows something’s wrong with Harvey.” Louis sighed. “Shouldn’t we call a doctor or something?” Donna shook her head. “No. He’d never forgive us. He’d only feel betrayed. He obviously wants Mike’s help and if that doesn’t work, we can think of other options again.” Louis didn’t look convinced. “I happen to have a history with people helping you out of shit like this and I tell you, sometimes you have to force people to accept help.” Rachel sighed. “You’re probably right, but he’ll never listen to us.” “Maybe Mike has better luck”, Donna said with a shrug. “Harvey used to listen to me, but this time he obviously won’t. Mike might be able to get through to him.” Rachel nodded. “Yeah, those two…” She sighed. “They have this weird blind understanding.” Louis nodded, chewing on his lower lip, trying not to feel jealous of Mike right now. “They have. Harvey hasn’t been the same since Mike stopped working at the firm. Maybe all this has to do with Mike leaving.” Rachel snorted. “He didn’t leave. He went to prison.” Louis put his hand on her shoulder. “I know, Rachel. It’s not Mike’s fault. But…you know Harvey felt incredibly guilty, right? I mean even I could see that…” Donna nodded. “It was eating him up. I thought it would help to get Mike out of prison, but apparently it didn’t.” “You know I’m still in the room, right?” All three of them jolted upon hearing Harvey speak and turned around to see him look at them, his face hard and unreadable. “Harvey, are you okay?” Donna gently put her hand on his arm but Harvey eluded her touch. “I’m fine.” Donna snorted, anger building up on her face. “Yeah, we can see that.” Harvey clenched his jaw. “Leave me alone. All of you.” Louis shook his head. “You don’t really want that.” “I think I know pretty well what I want and don’t want!” “Get out of here?” Everyone turned to Mike who had suddenly appeared in the doorway. He was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed in front of his chest and smirked. “I’ve got some kicking ass to do and I could use someone a little scarier than me to help me threaten someone.” Harvey pouted, shaking his head. “I’m busy, kid.” “Yeah, I can see that. And I hate to pull that card, but…you owe me one.” Mike pointed to the bandage on Harvey’s hand and Harvey sighed. “Alright. Batman’s going to help Robin out.” He turned to Louis. “I’m gonna fix what we talked about earlier. I promise.” Louis shook his head. “Finance is my department, Harvey. I’ll take care of it. It won’t be a problem.” Harvey raised his brows. “You’re sure?” “Don’t you trust me?” Harvey swallowed. “I do.” Louis nodded and Harvey walked away from his colleagues, muttering “Get back to work. The meeting no one asked for is over.” Mike smiled at him and quickly gave Rachel a kiss on the cheek while Harvey was already heading for the elevators. “He’s not okay, Mike.” Rachel whispered into his ear and Mike nodded, his smile dropping. “I know.” He looked at Donna and Louis. “Don’t worry. I’ll talk to him.” He turned away and hurried to catch up with Harvey. Mike looked at his former Boss after the elevators doors had closed behind them. His tie was a mess, he was sweating and Mike could see that his chest was moving up and down faster than it should again. He let his gaze wander down and saw his suspicion confirmed. Harvey’s hands were shaking. The older man noticed him staring and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his trousers, clearing his throat. “Who are we threatening and why do you need me to do it?” “Oh, I don’t. I’m scary enough on my own.” “You’re as scary as a puppy.” “Hey, don’t forget I’m a convicted felon. Prison has turned me into a bad motherfucker.” Harvey chuckled and shook his head as they made their way through the lobby and outside the building. The fresh air flooding his lungs felt good and he relaxed a bit. This banter reminded him of better days. “Prison didn’t change your pretty-boy-face though. Maybe you should have gotten a face tattoo or something.” Mike smirked and opened the door of the black car that had just held in front of them. “I’ve taken the liberty of calling Ray.” Harvey got into the car, rolling his eyes. “Fine. As long as you finally tell me where we’re going.” Mike sat down next to him, nodding at Ray and handing him a piece of paper. Ray returned the nod and let the divider move up. The car started moving and Mike sighed. “Can you imagine how surprised I was when I called Ray and he said you’d barely used his services the last couple of weeks?” Harvey raised his brows. “I took a cab now and then, what are you getting at?” “Nothing. I was just wondering is all.” “Stop being nosy and give me the facts. What’s the case about?” “Oh, the case.” Mike smirked. “In fact, that case has been settled…” he looked at his wristwatch “two hours ago. Because I already threatened that asshole trying to get rid of half his employees with the help of Oliver. And I was very scary.” “Were you?” “I learned from the best.” They exchanged a smirk. “But what do you need my help for then?” Mike sighed. “Nothing. I mean I rarely ever need it if we’re being honest. I’m a pretty good lawyer. Without actually being one of course.” “Did you just say ‘nothing’?” Harvey’s expression changed from amusement to anger when Mike nodded. “You heard me right. I don’t need help. Instead I thought I’d do you a favor for once.” “What?” Mike swallowed. “Can we be honest for a second?” Harvey shrugged. “Sure.” “You need a break.” “I don’t…” “Let me stop you right there because I’m not in the mood for bullshit. You’re exhausted. You won’t tell me or anyone why and that’s okay but what’s not okay is you acting as if you were fine when you’re obviously not.” “Stop the car.” Mike noticed the anger in Harvey’s voice and the pulsing vein on his forehead but shook his head. “I’ve got a great plan and you’ll have to live with it.” “I said stop the car, Mike.” “And I say drop the act. I’m your friend, Harvey. And no matter how hard you try to push me or Donna or Louis or Jessica or Rachel away, we won’t let you. It’s just one afternoon off, Harvey. Just a couple of hours without thinking about work. It will be fun. Trust me.” Harvey gritted his teeth and Mike watched his jaw tense up. “I don’t have time for your childish bullshit, Mike. I’ve got work to do.” “That work will still be there tomorrow.” Harvey chuckled. “Two weeks at that clinic and you forget how real work is done…” “You had a panic attack at the office, Harvey. One so bad that Rachel called me because you said my name while staring out of the window in apathy. I’m willing to let that go and I’m accepting you don’t want to talk but I’m not letting you go back to trying to hide from me that you need a break from everything. Not after that call from Rachel and especially not after yesterday night.” “I should have never called you.” “Bullshit, Harvey. You’re my best friend. I’m disappointed you didn’t call me earlier. I can’t believe that after all we’ve been through, you’re still trying to hide from me that you are a human being.” Harvey let his gaze fall and looked down on his knees, chewing on the inside of his cheek again. When he spoke, he sounded defeated. “Where are we going?” Mike smiled a little even though his heart ached in his chest. “Don’t worry. You’re gonna like it.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter ten – There's something in the way you roll your eyes*
Harvey frowned at the changing scenery passing the window while the car kept driving. “What on earth are you up to?” “Good things come to those who wait.” Harvey sighed and rolled his eyes but fell silent. Mike smirked and noticed with a small smile that Harvey’s hands that lay folded on the older man’s lap had finally stopped shaking. About half an hour later, the car stopped and Harvey snorted. “You got us to the middle of fucking nowhere.” He looked out of the window, wrinkling his brow. Outside everything was green and calm. They had left the busyness of NYC behind them. This had to be somewhere at the Hamptons. Mike just smiled and got out of the car. When Harvey hesitated, he poked his head inside again, looking at Harvey with raised brows. “You’re coming or what?” Harvey got out of the car and followed Mike who was walking away from the street and heading towards a treeline, a bag in hand. “We’re not going for a fucking hike, are we?” “Nope.” Mike kept walking and Harvey hurried to keep up with him. His ribs ached, but he managed to keep walking steady once Mike slowed down a bit, waiting on him. “We’re nearly there.” Harvey pouted. “We better be. I’m ruining my shoes.” Mike rolled his eyes in return and pointed to a growing space of blue behind the treeline. “See that?” “What?” “The sea.” “Well now you say it…yeah.” “That’s where we’re going.” Mike sat down on a bench looking out to the rough sea, ignoring Harvey’s raised brows accompanied by a snort while he joined him. For a moment, both men stared out onto the ocean endlessly spreading before them, limited by nothing but the horizon. Then Mike leaned forward a bit, his hands on his knees, his gaze glued to the waves washing against the shore. “I used to come here as a kid when I felt lost. Father Walker introduced me to it one day after catching me crying after class. Some kid had made fun of me or something. He said if the sea doesn’t cheer you up, then what will?” Mike chuckled. “Ever since then, I drove here when I needed to. It’s the perfect spot. It’s too windy to attract people going for a swim or sunbathing. It has an incredible beach, the nice squeaking old bench and…this noise.” He smiled at the waves. “I came here when I thought we had been caught the first time, when I lost my Granny…Last time I came here was the day before I went to prison. I thought I wasn’t going to see this place for a while so I wanted to say goodbye to it.” He swallowed. “But fortunately, here I am again.” Harvey took a deep breath. “It’s kind of a nice place.” “Yeah, it is.” “Why did you bring me here?” “You reminded me of myself the day I first came here. I was miserable, you know? The other kids were cruel because I was cleverer than them and the whole orphan-thing…But I always tried to act as if it didn’t matter. I tried to let everyone believe that I was fine. Didn’t want my Granny or anyone else to worry or feel sorry for me. I thought that I needed to be strong and all that bullshit. Until that day I was caught crying and sat at this bench admitting to someone that I was sad and scared.” Mike looked up and met Harvey’s gaze, watched Harvey swallow and nod. “I see.” Irritated that Harvey did not come up with a snarky reply, Mike frowned. “Do you?” Harvey broke eye-contact and looked to the floor, nodding. Mike sighed. “Okay. Now imagine I wasn’t Mike and you weren’t Harvey ‘best closer in the city’ Specter and it didn’t matter what anyone thought of you. Can you do that?” Harvey chuckled. “What…?” “If you forgot about our past for a second, about the firm and about how much you want me to believe that you could never stumble or fall...could you tell me what’s bothering you?” Harvey rubbed his hand against his forehead and swallowed again. “I ‘m fine, I just…” He broke off. Mike saw how Harvey’s hands started shivering again and bit the inside of his lip, suppressing the urge to reach for them and hold them. “You’re not fine, Harvey. You’re not even okay.” Harvey snorted. “I think I know best if I…” “Stop it, Harvey. Please.” Mike got up on his feet and picked up a small stone to throw it into the billowing waves. “I’ve watched this long enough now. You’re breaking yourself and I am not okay with that. I’m not fine watching you pretend that you have everything under control, because you obviously don’t!” Harvey looked at his feet, feeling the lump in his throat and chest grow. He swallowed against the growing feeling of being suffocated and rubbed his shivering hand against his chest. “It’s just some panic attacks. They’ll disappear.” Mike shook his head, sitting back down next to him. Closer this time. “This is not ‘just’ panic attacks, Harvey.” He looked at his former boss and noted the looseness of his clothes, noticing for the first time that he must have lost a big amount of weight. “Whatever is happening to you, I am sure that you can fight it. But there is no shame in admitting that you cannot do this alone. I couldn’t if I were you. Maybe talking about it can help somehow…?” Harvey took a shivering breath and closed his eyes. “I can’t.” “Why not?” “I don’t know.” “If you can’t tell me why, can you tell me what…you’re experiencing?” Harvey blinked and couldn’t hold back a sad chuckle. “Well it’s not pleasant, that much I can say.” Mike swallowed. “You’re scared.” Harvey slowly nodded. “And I’m…it’s…” He took a deep breath and bit his tongue. “I’m sorry Mike, I can’t.” Mike nodded. “I understand. It’s okay.” Hesitating, he gently gave Harvey’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze before letting go and leaning against the backrest of the bench. “So the way I see it, you have a problem that needs solving, right?” Harvey shrugged. “Apparently.” “Why don’t you want to call your therapist then?” Harvey shook his head. “She’s…it doesn’t work for me.” “Maybe she’s just not the right therapist for you, Harvey. There are others.” “I don’t think a head shrinker can fix this.” Mike raked his fingers through his hair and sighed. “Is there anything that I can do? Anything at all…?” Harvey looked up, shooting him one of his cover-up smiles that Mike instantly identified as fake. “You can stop being such a nag for starters. And stop looking at me like I was one of your charity-cases.” “Well you are skinny enough to be one.” “It’s called ‘healthy eating’, have you heard of that?” Mike rolled his eyes, threw another stone at the sea and they fell silent. Harvey closed his eyes and listened to the waves, focused on the fresh cold air flooding his lungs and felt his body calm down. His thoughts stopped racing and for a second, he was no longer embarrassed of himself. For a second, he really was okay. When he finally opened his eyes again, he felt more peaceful than he had in weeks. “Thank you for bringing me here.” Mike smiled. “You’re welcome.” “I bet Rachel loves this spot. Very picturesque.” Mike scratched his head, feeling his cheeks heat up without a warning. “Yeah, maybe she would.” Harvey shot him a curious look. “You never brought her here?” Mike shrugged. “ I have never brought anyone here before.” With that, he reached down to his feet and took off his shoes, put them under the bench, rolled up the legs of his pants, got up and walked into the waves without saying another word. Harvey watched him with bewilderment but smiled when Mike jolted a little as the water touched his naked feet. “Are you crazy?” Harvey shouted over the constant noise of crashing waves. Mike turned around to him, his hands in the pockets of his trousers, and smiled. “You know prison teaches you to be tough. For someone like you, the water’s too cold. But I…” He beat his heart against his chest theatrically “am a warrior now.” Harvey shook his head, laughing. “You’re nothing but a freezing puppy.” Mike shrugged, kicking the water and laughing when the wind threw it back against him and made him wet. The older man watched him in amusement for a couple of minutes, grinned at Mike’s attempts to hit a wooden buoy a couple of yards away with stones of growing size. Something in his chest warmed and sent a fuzzy feeling through all his body as his heart sped up again and the smile on his lips grew wider without him even noticing. This reminded him of the day Mike and him had smoked weed together. Back then it had been Harvey who wanted to cheer Mike up and they’d had a great night. He chuckled, remembering their plot of Harvey peeing in Louis’ office. Good times. Where had they gone to? Harvey leaned back on the bench, spreading his arms across the backrest and raised his brows when Mike started kicking the water again. “Are you trying to piss off Aquaman?”“I’m just telling a fish to stop gnawing at my toe.” Harvey burst into laughter and after a second, Mike joined in. Before he could change his mind, Harvey reached down to his shoes, ignoring the jolting pain that went through his ribs, freed his feet and rolled up the legs of his trousers. Mike grinned when Harvey walked towards him, a frown on his face once the cold water hit his feet and let him jolt. “Fuck me, the water’s freezing.” “I told you it’d be too cold for you, old man.” Harvey reached down to the water and splashed it against Mike who tried to turn away without success. The water turned his bright blue shirt into a dark midnight blue and let it stick to his body. “You too, Brutus?” Mike shook his head, his smile gone but his eyes incapable of hiding his amusement. “Deal with it. You made me get into here and now I might lose my feet to frostbite.” “You did this to yourself.” Mike splashed a wave towards Harvey, making him grumble when now his white shirt turned wet. “What the fuck are we doing here?” Mike chuckled. “Nothing.” Harvey crossed his arms in front of his wet chest and tried to hold back a smile. “Adult men freezing to death for nothing. Sounds reasonable.” Mike threw another stone towards the buoy – again without success – and walked back towards the shore. “Is it a bad thing that I can’t feel my toes?” Harvey laughed and rolled his eyes. “So prison didn’t turn you into a badass.” “I am a badass.” “Sure.” Harvey followed Mike back to the shore, trying to ignore the cold creeping through his body. Mike was the first one back at the bench. He bend down to the bag he had brought with him, pulling two towels from it and throwing one to Harvey who immediately caught it and wrapped it around his upper body. “You brought fucking towels?” “To a beach? Yeah. Arrest me.” Mike sat down to dry his feet and pull his sockets back on and Harvey stood there and watched him, his feet buried inside the gritty sand. The corners of his lips twitched when his eyes landed on the shirt sticking to Mike’s ribcage and his heart somehow skipped a beat when Mike looked up and caught him staring. “What? Do you need a tutorial on how to use a towel?” Harvey rolled his eyes and joined him on the bench, following his model and drying his feet before he knocked the sand out of the towel and wrapped it around his shoulders again. “That was – by far – the most stupid thing I’ve ever done in my life.” Mike looked up from his feet, wrapping his own towel around his shoulders now as well, and frowned. “More stupid than hiring a fraud?” Harvey met his gaze and smiled. “I never regretted that.” Their eyes locked and as much as Mike tried to, he couldn’t look away. “Never?” “Not for a second.” Mike swallowed, his gaze wandering from Harvey’s eyes to his smiling lips. “Me neither.” Harvey’s jaw moved and then he cleared his throat, throwing Mike back into reality. They both looked away and Mike reached back down into the bag. “What now? Fishing?” “Nope.” Mike lifted a few pieces of firewood into the air. “Campfire.” Harvey chuckled. “Seriously?” A few minutes later, they sat next to a crackling fire on a thick blanket Mike had magically pulled from the bag. The day was slowly fading out with the sun starting to move down the horizon towards the waves that were still steadily crashing against the shore. Mike was staring into the growing flames, adjusting the wood with a small stick, his brows furrowed in concentration. Harvey chuckled. “Do you always have that bag prepared in case your inner boyscout misses the seaside?” Mike looked up and grinned a little. “I have. It’s my escape bag.” Harvey raised his brows, pouting. “Really? What else have you got in there? An inflatable boat? Fake IDs?” Mike rolled his eyes and poked at the fire again. “Snacks. That’s all.” “You’ve had food all this time and you didn’t tell me until now?” Mike grinned and reached for the bag, pulling out two small paperbags. He gave one to Harvey who opened it and pulled a bagle out of it with a smile. “So you always have emergency bagles set aside?” “Of course. What’s life without emergency bagels?” Mike chuckled. “I bought them at the truck before I came to your office.” Harvey took a bite, waiting for his stomach to rumble and nausea to arrive, but nothing happened, so he kept eating, actually enjoying the taste for the first time in weeks. “You’re a good boyscout. Very well prepared” Harvey mumbled in between bites. Mike took a bite from his own bagel and shook his head. “Never were one.” “Really? Would’ve suited you.” “They actually don’t just sell cookies and pack good escape-bags, you know?” “I know. I was one of them.” Mike coughed and broke into laughter, managing to burst out a “what?” between laughter and coughing. Harvey chuckled and hit him on his back until Mike stopped coughing. “I have sick knot making skills.” Mike laughed again. “You gotta be kidding me.” “No, seriously. I was a boyscout. Camping and fishing and learning how to survive in the woods…” “And you liked that?” “Well…” Harvey smirked, his lips twitching. “I hated it.” “Then why would you…” “My old man got me into it. I did like it for a couple of years. When I was seven or eight I thought it was cool. But the older I got, the less I liked the idea of camping and stuff. I stopped when I was thirteen.” Mike shook his head, grinning. “Wow. Boyscout Harvey. I’ll need some time to wrap my head around that.” Harvey chuckled. “If you ever tell anyone, I will have to kill you.” “You want me to sign a non-disclosure or will my word to stay silent be enough?” Harvey furrowed his brows, trying to hide away his grin. “I think the threat of being murdered should the secret ever be uncovered will be enough.” Mike laughed. “But Boyscouts don’t murder people. They help them cross the street.” Harvey gave him an eyeroll and shoved the last piece of his bagle into his mouth, chewing on it before he replied. “I can make it look like an accident. I have skills.” “Like tracking animals or baking very good chocolate cookies?” “You’ll never shut up about that now, will you?” Mike shook his head, his grin still widening. “Never.” Harvey smirked, chewing on the inside of his bottom lip. “You know that I box, right? If you don’t shut up, I might have to knock you out.” “And throw me into the sea.” “With a huge-ass rock attached to your feet.” Mike leaned back, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “There’s only one problem, padre: Not even you would get away with that.” Harvey raised his brows, smirking. “Please. I’d easily get away with murder.” “Discovering your inner Annalise Keating?” “Except I wouldn’t let inexperienced greenhorns handle my business.” Mike chuckled. “Because you never did that before, right?” “That greenhorn was exceptional.” “Was it?” Harvey nodded. “Exceptionally annoying. Which is why I will even have to get away with murder.” Mike shot him a smirk over the campfire. “You couldn’t.” Harvey sighed. “Let me explain this for you, rookie. First, there’s absolutely no witnesses around. Second, I would just hit my head against one of those big rocks, call Ray and tell him we’d been robbed. All evidence of me being the one killing you gets washed away by the sea and it would take them a good while to even find your body because I would let them believe you’d been kidnapped.” Mike shrugged, a playful grin on his lips. “Fair enough. But what about your alibi?” “I was unconscious when it happened.” “But won’t anyone discover the tremendous amount of guilt you’d be carrying around?” Harvey chuckled, but his smile died. “No one would notice. They’d assume I’d just feel guilty because I couldn’t save you. Once again.” Their eyes met and they fell silent, the crackling fire and the waves now being the only noises. Mike looked away and into the flames when he understood Harvey was no longer talking about fictional murder. “You couldn’t have.” Harvey swallowed, kneading his hands and opening his mouth without saying something. For a second Mike thought he had finally cracked the shell but then Harvey laughed. “Because I killed you.” Mike forced himself to join his laughter and decided to try widen that little admittance of weakness by returning to their banter. “Yeah. Maybe you could get away with murder. They’d call you the Campfire-Killer or something. But it’d break you.” Harvey snorted. “I’m unbreakable.” “You’d miss me terribly, you have to admit that.” Harvey rolled his eyes, but Mike noticed his lips twitching into a smile. “Miss you? You mean the tremendous amount of chaos and bad luck that follows you?” Mike held his stomach and flinched. “Low blow, buddy. Ouch.” “Told you I had skills.” “But who’s Batman without Robin? Maybe I should have recorded it when you actually admitted that you missed me.” “You don’t have proof I ever said that.” Mike grinned. “Don’t I?” Harvey shook his head, laughing. “Cause you always walk around wired now, Q?” “Q? You mean James Bond, right?” “Now that I think about it…maybe Miss Moneypenny suits you better.” “Pre or Post Skyfall?” “Post.” “Then I’m fine with that. Who are you in this scenario, old man? M?” Harvey pouted, shaking his head. “Bond, of course.” “Yeah I can totally see you failing the fitness test.” He poked Harvey’s ribs and watched him flinch. “Because I accidentally hurt you.” Harvey chuckled, but noticed Mike no longer smiled when he looked at his face. His own smile dropped. “What?” “I’m sorry, Harvey.” “What for?” “You want a list?” “You don’t have anything to apologize for, Mike.” Harvey cleared his throat and got to his feet, letting the towel slide from his shoulders. “Shouldn’t we head back anyways? It’s getting late.” Mike shook his head and swallowed. “You’re gonna have to let me say this.” Harvey rolled his eyes but Mike lifted his hands in defense, getting to his feet. “Hear me out. For once.” Harvey rubbed his eyebrows, shaking his head. “Fine. Shoot.” “I’m sorry I didn’t let you save me from prison. It was selfish, I know. But I could never have lived with you taking the fall for me.” Harvey swallowed. “I know. It’s okay.” “I’m not done.” Harvey clenched his jaw and Mike noticed that he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his trouser, possibly trying to hide away that he was starting to shiver again. “Alright. Go ahead, but make it quick. I don’t want to have to sleep on this bloody beach.” “I’m sorry I left you behind. I know I did by declining your job offer. I…” “Are you done now?” Mike noticed the anger glowing in Harvey’s eyes, the tense in his shoulders but decided against backing off this time. “Harvey, I wanted to come back and work with you again. I still want to. But I can’t and I am so, so sorry.” Harvey nodded, his jaw still clenched. “Fine. I don’t care. Whatever floats your boat.” Mike watched little drops of sweat form on Harvey’s forehead and shook his head. “Yeah, you care so little, it just gives you a panic attack for no reason at all.” Harvey blinked, taken aback. “What did you just say?” Harvey’s voice sounded like a threat, his whole body language ordering Mike to retreat, but he couldn’t. “I’m not blind, Harvey. I see that you’re hurt and I know part of this is my fault. Because you think I left you behind, don’t you?” Harvey chuckled, turning his head to the waves in the darkness. “Not everything is about you.” Mike nodded. “Sure. I just…I want you to know that not working with my best friend any longer hurts me too, okay? And I didn’t decide against it, because I didn’t want to work with him again, but because I can’t. It can never be the way it was again. I am not a lawyer and I can’t stand the fact that we’ll never be that team again. So I stay away. Call me a coward, but I don’t know how else to handle it. Because I miss working with you like hell, Harvey. There, I said it. Go ahead make your jokes about it and dismiss all this as not important to you. I just had to say it.” Mike wanted to turn away, but Harvey grabbed his wrist, holding him back. He looked down to the shivering hand holding onto him and back up to Harvey’s face, waiting for him to say something. Harvey sighed, wiping his forehead with his free hand. “I’m sorry, Mike. I…” Mike nodded, making a step back towards the campfire. “I know. It’s okay.” Their eyes met and Mike swallowed at the little glistening in Harvey’s eyes. He pulled his wrist from Harvey’s grip and let his hand wander up to the older man’s shoulder, squeezing it. “Can I hug you or will you really go full Annalise Keating on me then?” Harvey smirked. “You know she never actually killed anyone, right?” Mike rolled his eyes pulling Harvey in for a hug. Harvey stiffened a bit under his touch and clapped on Mike’s back, trying to pull away from the embrace, but Mike didn’t let go before giving him a tight squeeze. Harvey took a step back when Mike finally released him, trying to get some space between them while his heart speeded up in his chest. “We’re good?” Mike’s voice sounded a little shaky now. “We’re good.” Mike nodded and started throwing sand on the slowly dying flames of their campfire. “Alright. Lets head home. I’m freezing.” Harvey chuckled and helped him extinguish the fire. They stayed silent most of their way back to the street where Ray was waiting for them in Harvey’s car after a quick call from Mike. The car’s headlights were already nearly in sigh, when Harvey suddenly cleared his throat. “Thank you. For all of it.” Mike swallowed when he felt Harvey’s hand lightly brush against his own and nodded in the darkness. “You’re welcome.” *Chapter-Title taken from the Lyrics of Pink's "Walk me home"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter eleven - Deep down I think it's all I deserve
Mike’s phone rang, barely a second after they had gotten into the car. He rolled his eyes and pulled it from his jacket.
“Oliver, what is it?”
Harvey watched as Mike’s face turned from annoyed to worried to sympathetic while he listened to the man on the phone. “It’s alright, Oli, calm down.”
Harvey looked out of the window when Mike laughed and shook his head.
“Listen, you’re gonna be great. Our strategy is solid. Even you can’t screw this up.”
Harvey chuckled, watching the streetlights passing by in the darkness. Mike talked to the kid the way he used to talk to Mike. He bit his lip not to burst into a smile when he heard the call coming to an end.
“Alright, Oli. Go to bed. I need you in fighting-shape tomorrow.”
He heard Mike snort and turned his head to see him smile. “Yeah, we’ll see about that.”
Mike ended the call, stashing his phone back into his pocket.
“Sorry. Oli gets nervous before court-days.”
Harvey smirked. “Oli, hm? Do you two already have friendship bracelets?”
Mike nodded, his lips twitching into a grin. “Sure. And we mud on Wednesdays.”
“Does Rachel already know you’re replacing her?”
Mike shook his head. “Nah. I’m going to wait until the last minute so he can snatch me from her in front of the altar.”
“You really are the runaway bride, aren’t you?”
Their eyes met and Mike smirked. “Hopefully not.”
Harvey swallowed and dropped his gaze.
“Do you already have a new date?”
“No.” Mike shook his head. “No, we haven’t. I’m kind of…I don’t know…not ready.”
“How comes? I thought you two were eager to tie the knot as soon as you could get out of prison.”
Mike sighed. “We were. But then I got out of prison and…”
“And what?” Harvey watched Mike look out of the window and shake his head.
“Nevermind. You don’t need to listen to my relationship-bullshit.”
Harvey rolled his eyes. “I think I do. What’s going on with you?”
“You’re gonna laugh.”
“Most likely. Humor me.”
“It’s just that I…” Mike looked at his hands “didn’t come back out of prison the same man I was when I went in. I thought this wasn’t going to affect me once I got home but…”
“It does.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you okay?”
Mike chuckled. “I’m good. Just different.”
“Have you two been fighting?”
“Rachel and I? No.” Mike shook his head. “We haven’t. She’s been great. I just kind of need time. To sort me out. My life, you know? Find my place.”
“I understand.”
Mike teared his eyes from the window and met his gaze.
“You do?”
Harvey nodded. “I can’t say I know what prison is like, but I know you’ve been through a lot.”
Mike sighed. “That’s why I…”
Harvey lifted his hands. “I know. I should have never offered you that job.”
“You meant well.”
Harvey shrugged. “I wanted my best Pitcher back in the game.”
Mike smiled. “I am back in the game, Harvey.”
“But on the bench and the wrong team.”
The younger man bit his lip. “I think I am where I need to be.”
Harvey rolled his eyes and sighed. “It’s your life.”
“This is something I need to do.”
“It’s alright, Robin Hood. Just…the door is always open, you know that, right?”
Mike frowned. “Actually, I didn’t. But…thank you. It’s good to know.”
Harvey pouted and looked to the window again. Mike hesitated. There was something he needed to talk about with Harvey. Somebody had to. And now that he seemed open enough to at least let Mike scratch the surface of his feelings seemed to be the right time. Or didn’t it? He didn’t know what to say. Harvey’s appartment building appeared in the darkness. Mike swallowed. He couldn’t let him up there by himself. Not after everything that had happened within the last couple of days. Not after he’d seen today how much he was suffering.
The car stopped.
“This is me. You want Ray to get you home?”
Mike hesitated and Harvey raised his brows. “Mike?”
“I’m thinking about what strategy I’m gonna go with.”
“Strategy? So you do want to talk about your case?”
Mike chuckled. “My strategy regarding you, Harvey.”
“Me?”
“I mean…am I going to lie to you and say that I need some help with that said case tomorrow -which I absolutely don’t because we’re going to goddamn end our opponent tomorrow anyway -or…”
Harvey opened his mouth, frowning, but Mike held up his index finger to stop him.
“Hear me out. Or am I going for the truth and tell you that I think you shouldn’t be alone tonight and that I can stay because we’re friends and that’s what friends do.”
Harvey snorted. “Go home, Mike. You sound drunk and we haven’t even been drinking.”
Mike nodded. “See, that’s the thing. We haven’t. But you are going to once I leave, aren’t you?”
“What?”
Mike held his gaze. “You heard me just fine.”
Harvey’s jaw tightened. “What are you implying?”
“Nothing, just….That you’re stressed out for absolutely legitimate reasons and that you tend to go for coping mechanisms that aren’t exactly healthy.”
Harvey felt his pulse speed up and the lump in his chest grow. His lungs felt tight. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and snorted.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“True. I don’t. But I know what I saw in your flat and I…”
“What do you think you saw?”
“Empty bottles. Plenty of them. Most of them shattered. You, bleeding and drunk. Just shortly after you had been hit by a car. Drunk. Oh and how could I forget – the bail receipt on your desk at the office. With your name on it. Signed by Jessica. Stating that you attacked a man – drunk. But that’s about it, I believe.”
Harvey chewed on the tip of his tongue, his jaw tightening further so he basically spit out his answer. “You have the nerve to go through my things…”
Mike sighed. “I didn’t have to. Donna told me about it when she called me today. Begging me to come by because you were non-responsive, having a panic attack and repeatedly asking for me.”
“She had no right…”
“Oh, don’t blame Donna, Harvey. You know her and you still left it laying around in the broad daylight.”
“She shouldn’t have called you.”
Harvey turned away and climbed out of the car with Mike following him.
“Harvey!”
He turned on his heel, his gaze set to kill.
“What?”
“You need help.”
Harvey pulled on his cuffs and chuckled.
“I don’t.”
“Sounded different a couple of hours ago.”
“Oh you mean before you accused me of being an alcoholic?”
“Somebody had to say it. I…Harvey I hate to bring this up but…”
“It’s none of your…”
“It is my fucking business, Harvey. Because I’m scared shitless, okay?”
“Scared of what?”
“That something is going to happen to you. That something has already happened.”
“It’s just panic attacks, for fuck’s sake. You’re being melodramatic.”
“Am I? Because your drinking and not working and your obvious weight loss don’t make me feel melodramatic.”
“I said.” Harvey paused, swallowing. “It is none of your business.”
“It is very much my business, Harvey. Because when that nurse called me, telling me you’d been hit by a car, I freaked. I was worried sick. I imagined you badly hurt or even worse and it…I…it tortured me.”
Harvey chuckled. “Come on, man up, it was harmless.”
“You really have the nerve to…”
“To what, Mike, hm? To tell you I can take care of myself?”
“I’m not saying you can’t. But I am saying, you’re not taking any care of yourself. I don’t know why but you’re obviously not feeling great and I…”
“What do you care?”
“What do I…? Seriously?” Mike threw his hands up, shaking his head. “What do I care? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because it hurts me to see you hurt or because to me, you are family. Maybe because I am your friend and therefore, I want to help you get better.”
Harvey shook his head. “And what exactly are you gonna do,Mike? Tell me.”
They both were practically shouting by now, barely noticing that people passing by were staring at them.
Mike tried to answer, but Harvey was having none of it. He uncrossed his arms, showing Mike his shivering hands. “What are you gonna do about this, Mike? How are you going to fix this?”
“I…”
“Yeah, I guessed that. I am not a case, Mike. You cannot solve me by doing your research. I’m fucking…useless.”
Mike saw tears gather in Harvey’s eyes and he carefully made a step towards him.
“Please, let me help you. I know I might not be able to fix this but I’ll help you find someone who can. You don’t need to be alone.”
“Mike, please…”
“I don’t want you to be alone.”
“I’m better off alone. Always have been.”
“Harvey, I’m sorry, I…”
“What for? You didn’t do anything. I did. I screwed it up.”
“You screwed what up?”
Harvey chewed of the insides of his cheeks. “You going to prison…”
“Harvey, we talked about this, I…”
“Our friendship. The firm. My family. Myself. All of it.”
“You screwed none of these things up.” Mike reached out for his hands, but Harvey shoved him away.
“I did. Every single one of them.”
Mike raised his hands, trying to make him look into his eyes.
“Harvey, please. You’re not alone in this.”
Harvey snorted. “Funny thing is, a couple of hours ago at that fucking campfire, I would have believed you.”
“Sorry I said what I said. I shouldn’t have…”
Harvey swallowed.
“No, you were right.” He paused and his voice dropped to a whisper. “I shove people away. It’s what I do.”
“Harvey…”
“So they can’t shove me away.” He plastered a smirk on his face and took a step back. “You better head home now, Mike. You want no part in this.”
He pointed at himself and turned away. Mike stood on the pavement for a second, staring at his back disappearing into the building before he started running after him. He caught him at the elevator. Harvey opened his mouth, but Mike shook his head.
“Shove me all you want, but I’m not going anywhere.”
Harvey took a shaking breath and bit his lip.
They got in the elevator and fell silent.
Mike took the keys from Harvey’s hands after his third attempt to unlock the door with shaking hands. He swallowed when Harvey gave them up without even putting up a fight. They entered the condo and Mike threw the door close while Harvey let himself fall on the sofa, elbows on his knees, his face hidden away in his hands. His shoulders were visibly shaking and Mike stood in the doorframe, not sure what to do now because Harvey was right. This wasn’t a case and Mike had no idea how to fix this. If there was a way of fixing this.
“Cupboard under the kitchen-sink, in the bedroom under the bed, the bar next to the television and in the bathroom cabinet.”
Mike frowned. “What?”
“The alcohol. Where I keep it…”
Mike slowly nodded, approaching the hunched up figure on the sofa.
“You want me to get rid of it?”
Harvey lifted his head and nodded. “I can’t do it myself.”
“Consider it done.”
Harvey kept his head down and his gaze glued to the floor while he heard Mike rummage through cabinets and bottles clanking against each other. He felt sick again but tried not to run to the bathroom, swallowed and kneaded his shivering hands. His mind was racing and all of his body told him to run. He stayed glued to the sofa nevertheless. He sat there, his skin crawling, his stomach rumbling and his heart running and tried to calm down. Every part of him hated himself for the weakness he felt and - even more - for the vulnerability he was showing to Mike. He was embarrassed of himself as much as he was ashamed. Did he really have a drinking-problem? He knew he had. Maybe it had been going on even longer than the last couple of weeks. Mike was right - he did have a habit of turning to the bottle when life got tough. He had never felt like that really was a problem – until recently. He knew he had been drinking too much and too frequently. But what else was he supposed to do to stand himself? Alcohol was the only thing that seemed to be able to provide him with the numbness he needed to keep going while all those unwanted feelings bubbled beneath his surface. It helped him keep the fear at bay. Harvey bit his tongue, starting to regret that he had allowed Mike up and asked him to help get rid of his supplies. The clanking noises stopped and Harvey looked up. He watched Mike shove his obviously bottle-filled duffle bag out of the condo’s door into the hallway and rubbed his forehead. Mike slammed the door shut and cleared his throat.
“That should have been all. What do you want me to do with it?”
Harvey shrugged. “I don’t care.”
“There’s some expensive stuff in that bag.”
“Keep it, if you like, or throw it away.”
Mike nodded. “Ok.”
Harvey sighed again and threw his head back against the backrest of the sofa.
“There’s one more bottle.”
“Are you going to tell me where?”
Harvey pouted. “I don’t really want to.”
Mike nodded. “You don’t have to, but…”
“I know.” He cleared his throat. “It’s in my nightstand.”
Mike walked to the bedroom without a word, returning with a half-empty bottle a second later. Harvey expected him to add it to the duffle bag outside, but instead, Mike handed it to him. He looked up irritated but took the bottle nevertheless.
Mike sighed. “That’s no expensive shit, right?”
Harvey shook his head. “No.”
“Okay. Get up.”
“What…”
“Do me the favor.”
Harvey rolled his eyes and stood, the bottle still in his shivering hand, the brownish liquid swirling around in it seductively.
“And now?”
“Now” Mike pointed to the kitchen sink “We get rid of it.”
Harvey snorted, but walked to the sink nevertheless. He opened the bottle top and hesitated. The bottle shook in his hand and he swallowed. His mind was telling him to drown the liquid instead of pouring it down the drain. He chewed on the insides of his cheeks, as nausea started getting worse and forced him to take a deep breath through his nose. Mike appeared on his side, watching him but carefully keeping his distance. “May I…”
Harvey turned his head and their eyes met. “What?”
Mike pointed at the bottle and slowly moved his hand towards it.
Harvey wanted to hand it back to him, but Mike shook his head. He kept his eyes fixed on Harveys as he grabbed his hand that held the bottle and slowly moved it so the liquid started dripping into the sink.
Harvey wanted to break away from Mike’s eyes, but he couldn’t. His hand seemed to burn under Mike’s surprisingly gentle touch and Harvey cleared his throat in a desperate attempt to keep the confusing mixture of feelings inside him locked away.
“See? I told you you’re not alone in this.”
Harvey held his gaze without saying a word. The condo was silent apart from the dripping noise of the scotch drizzling away. After a while, the noise stopped. The bottle was empty, but Mike didn’t pull away. His hand stayed where it was, his fingers nearly intertwined with Harveys that shivered under his. Mike’s mind seemed switched off as he kept staring into Harveys eyes that showed a mixture of fear, confusion and something else he couldn’t quiet put his finger on. Time seemed to stand still and Mike noticed his heart beating faster than usually the longer they stayed frozen this way. Mike didn’t know if it was out of worry or something else that goosebumps spread on his forearms. He swallowed and his mind switched back on. He hastily blinked, cleared his throat and pulled his hand away from Harvey’s. Harvey immediately looked away, putting the empty bottle into the bin next to the fridge at the other end to the room.
“You should go. It’s late.”
“I don’t…”
“I promise I won’t be drinking.”
Mike nodded. “I know you won’t. But you’re still shaking.”
Harvey smirked. “I’m used to it by now.”
Mike swallowed. “The thing is, Harvey, my back just loves your horrible sofa so much…”
Harvey rolled his eyes. “Alright, kid. Suit yourself.”
An awkward silence spread between them and stayed while Harvey handed Mike the same blanket and pillow as the last time. Mike texted Rachel that he was staying with Harvey tonight while Harvey was at the bathroom. Afterwards, he threw his phone on the pillow now laying on the sofa and started getting out of his jacket, tie and still slightly wet shirt. He tried to calm the nervous feeling in his stomach down and ignored the aching in his chest. Mike didn’t know what to do. He wanted to help Harvey, but he felt helpless. He had never seen his this way – this hurt, this scared, this vulnerable. Mike took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead. He would think about solutions tomorrow. Maybe he’d search for a better therapist and try to convince Harvey to see one again. He could ask Louis if his therapist had any recommendable colleagues. For now all he could do was to be there. That seemed horribly little to Mike, but it was better than nothing. Leaving Harvey alone while he was obviously in constant panic seemed impossible to him. He was scared for Harvey to do something stupid again, to get into trouble, to get hurt again. A shiver ran down his spine and Mike tried to shake the thought of losing Harvey. This wasn’t going to happen. Not on his watch. He ran his hands through his hair and looked to the closed bathroom-door, asking himself if Harvey was really just brushing his teeth in there of if he was hiding away from him. He knew the older man was ashamed of the state he was in. Mike thought that was bullshit, but knew there was nothing he could do about it. He was actually surprised he was allowed to stay the night and that Harvey had actually asked for his help. Mike sat down on the sofa and looked at his hands. His gaze fell on the hand that had touched Harvey’s. Way longer than necessary. Something warmed up inside him. What was that feeling? He sighed again, confused. He was worried, that was all. It meant nothing.
The bathroom door opened and Harvey walked to his bedroom silently. Mike hesitated for a second before he went to the bathroom to get ready for sleeping.
Harvey lay in the darkness of his bedroom, his whole body tensed up and his mind a confused, scared mess. He rolled on his still hurting side, trembling and biting his lip not to let out a sob. He was pathetic and now Mike knew it. He was a hopeless mess. Nobody deserved to have to be around him. He clenched his fists. God, he desperately wanted a drink. Why had he allowed Mike to talk him out of drinking? What for? What did it matter if he drank or not? Panic crawled up his back, over his shoulders to his chest and down into his stomach. He felt sick. He rolled back onto his back and let out a sigh. This was going to be a very long night. It was the middle of the night when Mike suddenly woke from the light doze he had finally drifted into. He sat up, listening to the noise that had awoken him and immediately felt his heart burn in his chest again. He heard gagging from the bathroom and threw his blanket back to get up. After a few quick steps, he stood in front of the bathroom door and softly knocked.
“Harvey, are you okay?”
He heard another gag followed by a spitting sound and the toilet flushing. “Harvey?”
A sight, then another spitting sound. “I’m great. Go back to sleep.”
Harvey’s voice sounded weak and Mike’s hand lingered on the door handle. He knew he was overstepping a boundary, but he pressed it down nevertheless. The door was unlocked. Harvey was kneeling in front of the toilet, his hands clenching the edge of the toilet seat, his knuckles white. He was visibly shaking and Mike could hear him wheeze hectically between gags. Mike felt his eyes turn wet and he swallowed to get rid of the lump in his throat. Ignoring the big possibility that Harvey might punch him for this later, he knelt down next to the older man and put his hand on his back. Harvey flinched and turned his head to him, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Get out.” His voice was barely more than a trembling whisper and Mike just shook his head.
He let his hand gently circle over Harvey’s hunched back. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Harvey weakly tried to shove him away but there was no real anger behind it and Mike’s heart skipped a beat when he saw Harvey’s lips tremble. He was still badly shaking and rapidly heaving air into his lungs, but at least the gagging had stopped.
Mike kept rubbing his back, fixing his gaze on the other man’s eyes that were full of sadness and fear. Mike noted how his lips where starting to turn blue and felt his own fear grow. Ignoring the tightness in his own chest, he carefully moved a little closer, placing his free hand on Harvey’s shoulders. “Try to take deep breaths, okay?”
Harvey blinked and let his gaze drop.
“It’s okay, I’m here.” Mike softly pressed his shoulder. “Try to focus on me. We’ll get you out of this together.”
Harvey didn’t react and Mike felt his heart drop.
“Hey!” He softly slapped the other man’s cheek. “Look at me!”
Harvey looked up, meeting his eyes and swallowed.
“I can’t breathe.”
“I know.” Mike put both of his hands on Harvey’s shoulders now, asking himself what to do with growing panic. “Do you think you’ll need to throw up again?”
Harvey shook his head.
“Come on, let’s get you out of here.” He stood up, offering his hand and Harvey grabbed it, struggling back up. Mike saw how unsteady he was on his feet and rushed to help him.
"It’s okay, lean on me. We did this before, right? It’s gonna be okay.” Mike carefully placed Harvey’s arm over his own shoulders, wrapping his other arm around his hip.
“We’ll get you back to bed, okay? You can lie down and catch your breath.”
He felt Harvey nod beside him and they made their way to Harvey’s bed, where he let go of the other man who immediately sunk onto the bed, his chest still moving up and down way to fast. Mike stood in the darkness, hesitating, before he sat down next to Harvey and carefully put his arm around his shoulders. “Try to breathe with me, okay? Or I’ll have to make you breathe into a bag.”
Harvey nodded again and Mike pulled him closer, feeling him shiver.
“In and out, slowly. It’s okay, I am here.”
They sat there, breathing, and after a couple of minutes, Mike felt Harvey relax a bit. His breathing finally slowed down and the shivering got a bit less.
“Better?” Mike whispered into the darkness.
“Yes.” Harvey’s voice was hoarse and Mike sighed.
“Thank god. Stay here, I’ll just get you a glass of water.”
He hastily fetched him some water. Harvey took a small sip and swallowed with Mike watching him, eyes still full of worry.
“Can I get you anything else?”
Harvey shook his head and held the glass with both his still shaking hands, exhaling deeply.
“You okay?” Mike crossed his arms in front of his chest, not really knowing what to do.
The other man slowly nodded, put the glass on the nightstand and ran his hands over his face.
Mike saw him open his mouth without saying something and stayed silent, giving him a moment to find the words he seemed to be searching for.
“Thank you.”
Mike pointed to the edge of the bed next to where Harvey was sitting, still catching his breath.
“May I?”
Harvey nodded and Mike sat down next to Harvey again, chewing on his bottom lip.
“What happened?”
Harvey shrugged.
“Have you ever had a panic attack as bad as that before?”
“Rarely.”
Mike swallowed. “I see.”
He noted Harvey’s hand on the mattress next to his thigh and slowly lay his own onto it. Harvey flinched, but didn’t pull away from his touch.
“I’m sorry”, Harvey mumbled, his voice still a little unsteady.
“Stop apologizing. This shit can happen to anyone.”
“I never wanted you to see me like this.”
“This doesn’t change anything I think about you.”
“If I were you, I’d make a run for it now and never call again.”
Mike chuckled. “You wouldn’t. You would have probably slapped me out of the panic attack, but you would never leave me alone. Stop pretending, I know you better than that.”
“You wish.”
“You once volunteered to beat up someone who gave me a black eye.”
Harvey’s lips twitched. “I did.”
“And you threatened an actual murderer because he was threatening me.”
“Ok, ok, I see your point.”
“So this is my turn now, okay? Let me help you for once.”
Harvey sighed and let himself fall back onto the mattress. He lifted his free hand and rubbed his forehead. “Okay.”
Mike frowned. “What did you just say?”
“I said okay. Don’t fucking make me say that again.”
“Okay.” Mike let himself fall on the mattress as well without thinking about it. Suddenly his fingers where intertwined with Harvey’s and his heart was throbbing in his chest.
“What the heck are you doing?”
Mike flinched and tried to pull his hand away but Harvey wouldn’t let him.
“I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry.” He tried to sit up, but Harvey held him back.
“I didn’t say I didn’t like it.”
Mike looked at him, his eyes wide.
“What?”
Harvey shrugged. “You calm me down.”
Mike swallowed, unable to process this information while his hand was still wrapped around Harvey’s and everything inside him felt weird and warm and confusing.
“Okay.”
“This has been a weird day.” Harvey mumbled.
“It has, yeah. But it had its moments.”
Harvey hummed in agreement.
Mike felt Harvey’s hand now resting inside his own without a shiver. Before he could think about it, his thumb slowly moved across the back of Harvey’s hand. It was surprisingly soft.
“We’ll find you someone to make you feel better again, okay?”
Harvey sighed. “Okay.”
“Good.”
Harvey cleared his throat, pulled his hand from Mike’s and sat up.
“I’ve been keeping you up long enough. Go to sleep. You’ve got court tomorrow.”
“Will you be okay?”
Harvey chuckled. “I’m grant.”
Mike rolled his eyes and stood up. “I’m only one call away. Wake me if it gets bad again.”
Harvey made a waving gesture. “Yeah, yeah. Goodnight.”
Mike sighed and shook his head. “Goodnight, Harvey.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter twelve – I’m trying to get better, ‘cause I haven’t been my best
Mike jolted awake from the noise of his vibrating phone on the coffee table. His eyes flew open and he nearly fell off the sofa trying to reach the device. “Hello?” he answered the call still half asleep while sitting up. The voice at the other end of the line didn’t sound sleepy. It was angry.
“Where the fuck are you, Mike?!?”
It was Oliver. Mike stopped rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and suddenly felt fully awake.
“Fuck, how late is it?”
Oliver’s sigh in his ear sounded so fed up, he knew he was in trouble before he answered.
“Court starts in half an hour. You better get here or we’ll fucking lose this case.”
Mike swallowed. “I’ll be there. I promise. But listen – you got this. With or without me. I’m just moral support.” Oliver’s reply was a simple “Hurry.”
“Are you late?”
Mike nearly fell over while jumping into his trousers. He finished dressing and turned to Harvey who stood in the doorframe of the bedroom - his hair messy and his arms crossed. Mike swallowed. “Kind of. No big of a deal. I just…” He sighed. “Listen, I’ve got to go now but if you need anything, just call me, okay? I have court but it should be over by midday the latest. I can come back and we can talk and I…”
Harvey chuckled with lifted brows. “Slow down, I’ll be fine. Go do your job and kick some ass. I don’t need to be babysitted.”
Mike rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t implying that.”
Harvey dropped the smile and nodded. “I know. Believe me I received the message yesterday night.” He sighed. “I know I need help and if you’re so eager we can talk. But not now. Now you have to go babysit your own rookie.” Harvey grinned. “Just make sure he actually has a law degree. It’s kind of useful.”
Mike shook his head, laughing, and picked his bag up from the living room floor. “Yeah maybe I should ask him for a copy. You never know.” He threw his bag over his shoulder and nodded. “I’ll come back after court. Would that be okay for you?”
Harvey hesitated a second, before he nodded. “Yeah. That’d be…yeah.”
Mike walked to the wardrobe to fetch his coat. “Alright then honey, I’m off to work.” Harvey threw a pillow after him but only hit the door that fell close behind Mike. His chuckle turned into a sigh and he walked back into his bedroom to let himself fall back into his cushions. His hand wandered over his closed eyes. “Fuck.”
The events of last night went through his mind again and the lump in his chest grew. He threw his arm over his forehead and shook his head. He had really allowed Mike to watch him have a panic attack – a full-fledged, ugly episode of weakness. Harvey sat up when his stomach began rumbling. He tried to steady his breathing and fixed his gaze on his naked feet on the carpet. It was soft beneath his foot soles and he let his feet wander over the fabric. Closing his eyes, he focused on the feeling and felt the nausea in his stomach decline a little. With his heart still throbbing, he walked to the bathroom and started brushing his teeth in order to get the stale taste of vomit out of his mouth. Afterwards, he climbed into the shower and felt his tense body relax under the running hot water. His mind wandered off to last night again but this time it tortured him with a different memory than the one of his panic attack. He looked down on his wet hand and moved his fingers around. This hand had held Mike’s. A weird tingle shot through his body. Harvey swallowed. What had Mike been thinking? Hell, what had he been thinking himself – holding onto that hand and straight up telling Mike he liked it? Was he out of his mind? Harvey turned off the water and grabbed a towel. It was true – he had liked it and it had calmed him down. Maybe his body had just been exhausted enough, but after Mike had helped him through the panic attack, he’d fallen back asleep and only woke from Mike talking on the phone. It was the longest he’d slept in weeks. Thinking about this made him nervous. What did this all mean? He had an idea - one that had been sitting at the back of his head for years - but wouldn't allow himself to further investigate it. Mike was his friend. His best friend. And that was it. While getting dressed, Harvey decided it wouldn't be of any use to go to the office today. There was a headache forming in the back of his head and he felt a bit hungover from his panic-attack. The memory alone ran shivers down his spine and he tried to shake it off but couldn't. He remembered the tight feeling in his chest and how his heart had beaten so fast that his breath couldn't keep up with it. His breath had caught in his throat and his stomach had rumbled and his vision blurred. It had been the nastiest panic attack he'd ever been through. Harvey swallowed while slipping into some sweatpants and a T-Shirt. Last night had made him understand that he couldn’t go on like this. He didn’t want to go on feeling nothing but self-hatred and this ever-present fear. When he wasn’t actually having a panic-attack, he was scared of having one. He had to break the cycle but didn’t know how. Dr. Agard had always tried to tell him that he had to make amends with his family. “Well fuck that” he said to no one while pulling some socks over his feet. Maybe Mike was right. Maybe he needed help. Maybe there was a way to feel better again that didn’t include drinking himself to death. Havey sighed."Enough of that", he mumbled to himself and walked to the kitchen to force some cereals down his throat. Happy that his stomach accepted the food this time, he dialed Donna's number after breakfast. She picked up after the first ring.
"Good Morning Harvey. Is everything okay?"
Harvey hesitated before he answered. "Morning. I'm good. Just wanted to let you know I'm taking the day off."
"Alright." He heard the suspicion in her voice and sighed.
"I'm taking the day off to sort some things out, ok? With...myself."
"And you think a day will be enough?" Donna's voice sounded gentler now.
Harvey threw his head back with another sigh. "No. I don't. Listen, I don't know what happened yesterday but I'm sorry."
"Harvey, can I be honest with you?"
"Shoot."
"You scared me. And I really think that...." She seemed to hesitate. "Do you want me to make an appointment for you with Dr. Agard?"
"No."
Donna sighed. "Are you sure?"
"I am. But I get it. And I am going to talk to someone. Just not her."
"Okay. But why not her?"
Harvey pouted. He didn't have an actual answer to that so he decided to just be honest with Donna. "I don't know. I just kind of have the feeling that she is not the right person to help me."
Donna stayed silent for a minute, apparently taken aback by an actual reply instead of some version of 'none of your business'.
"You do know that Mike is not a therapist though?"
Harveys jaw tightened. "What are you implying?"
"Nothing. I just...keep in mind that he would do everything for you. No matter what it does to him."
Harvey gave his next answer through gritted teeth. "I know. And I'm not planning to be a deadweight on his shoulders."
"That's not what I meant and you know that. We are your friends. We want to help you. All I'm saying is that a professional..."
"I get it. Can you put me though to Louis, please?"
"Harvey, I..."
He rubbed his forehead. "I got it. No hard feelings. Now connect me to Louis. Please?"
"Alright. Call me if you need anything." Louis sounded genuinely concerned when he picked up and Harvey rolled his eyes but let him talk without interfering for a full minute.
"Harvey, how are you? I mean not perfect obviously. I don't mean that as an insult. Just. You know I'm here, yes? I'm taking care of our financial problem. You don't need to worry. Just. Rest. But how...how are things?"
He rubbed the root of his nose and sighed. "Thanks Louis, I'm good. You're sure you've got our finances covered?"
"I made some calls yesterday and we have two potential new clients. I'll have them signed before tomorrow and then I'll speak to the bank again. Consider it fixed."
Harvey let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. "Thank you, Louis. That's one problem solved."
Louis sounded slightly irritated, when he replied. "Anytime, Harvey. So. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
Harvey nodded to himself and sighed. "There actually is. I need a favor."
"Of course, anything. Whatever I can do to help, I will."
Harvey swallowed before he forced the words out of his mouth. "Can you ask your therapist if he can recommend any colleague? I'm...that'd be good."
"Of course. Yes. I'll ask him right away. I mean I'll call him. Today. I'll send you the contact details if he knows someone."
Harvey sat down on his sofa, feeling somewhat defeated as he let himself fall back against the cushions. "Thank you. I owe you one."
Louis chuckled. "You don't. But can I say something?"
"You will anyway whether I say yes or no so just get it over with."
"I think you're doing the right thing and that's brave."
Harvey snorted. "You have a weird concept of bravery."
Another chuckle at the other end of the line. "You see Harvey, facing your demons is the bravest thing one can do."
Harvey rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. Anything else?"
"Donna said you're taking the day off?"
"I'll be back tomorrow."
"Ok. If you need me to cover anything for you, just let me know."
"Yeah. Bye, Louis."
"Take care, Harvey." Harvey threw his mobile to the other end of the sofa and closed his eyes. He felt exhausted. The shame about his own weakness spread through his veins like toxic and all he wanted was to get himself a drink. He shifted on the sofa until he found a comfortable position to lie in and closed his eyes, trying to think of something else. His trembling hands shoved under the pillow beneath his head, he focused his thoughts on the memory of Mike on the beach, throwing rocks into the water, going full boyscout and laughing more than he’d seen him laugh in months. His lips were curved into a smile when he fell asleep again. Mike patted Oliver’s shoulder absent-mindedly while checking his watch and leaving the courthouse. Oliver was talking about celebrating before heading back to the office, but Mike wasn’t really listening. He pulled his mobile from his pocket. No missed calls or messages. Good. That was good.
“Hey Mike, are you alright?” Oliver caught up with him, poked him in the ribs with his elbow and Mike flinched, looking up. “Yeah, sorry. You did really well in there!”
Oliver smiled. “Thank you! That’s why I said I think we should celebrate. Let’s have lunch before heading to the office.”
Mike smiled. “I would love that, but I have something to sort out. I will pick up my files for the Meyer-case and work from home the rest of the day.”
“Man, come on, don’t be a buzzkill. What’s so important that we can’t even have lunch?”
Mike had to force himself not to roll his eyes at Oliver. “Another time. I’m really sorry, but I got to go.” They had arrived at Mike’s bike and he unlocked it.
Oliver rolled his eyes. “Whatever. See you tomorrow.”
After swiftly collecting his case files at the clinic, Mike went to see Rachel at the firm. She was finishing a phone call when he walked into her office and her desk looked like a genuine mess. Mike lifted his brows and pointed to the lose papers on her desk once she had put down the earphone. “That looks like a lot of work.”
She looked up at him with a smile and walked over to kiss and entangle him in an embrace. “Hello, stranger.”
Mike sighed and planted a kiss on her hairline. “I’m sorry.”
She looked up to him and took a step back. “Don’t be. Did you manage to get through to him yesterday?”
Mike shrugged and hesitated. How much should he actually tell Rachel? She was his confidant, yes, but Harvey for sure didn’t want more people than necessary to know how miserable he really was.
“A bit, yes.”
She frowned. “Meaning?”
“He’s not in a very good spot right now.”
She noticed the worry on his face and grabbed his hands. “I know. Did he tell you what happened?”
Mike shook his head, freeing his hands. He somehow couldn’t stand being touched right now without even knowing why. “No. But he did talk to me.”
His gaze dropped to the floor. “Hey.” Rachel touched his arm to get his attention. “That’s good. It’s a start.”
He looked into her eyes and sighed. “I’m fucking worried about him, Rachel.”
She noticed the slight quaver in his voice and the glistening in his eyes.
“I know.” She lay her hand on his shoulder and this time he let her. “I’m sure he’ll come around. He is Harvey after all. He always gets back up.”
Mike forced himself to nod even though he doubted if he was right.
“I hope so. But he shouldn’t be alone at the moment.”
Rachel nodded, an understanding smile on her lips. But it didn’t quiet reach her eyes that shone with worry. “I see.”
“Rachel, I…”
She shook her head. “You don’t need to apologize. You want to help him and that’s good. You are good. That’s what I love about you.” She smiled at him and he made an effort to smile back.
“It’s just for a couple of days. Until he is a little better.”
Rachel nodded and rubbed his arms with both her hands. “If there’s anything that I can do, let me know.”
Mike nodded, kissing her forehead and trying to wipe her hands from his arms in the most casual possible way. “Thank you. But I don’t think you can. Not at the moment.”
Rachel frowned a little. “Be honest with me, Mike. How bad is it?”
Mike took a deep breath. “Pretty bad.”
She swallowed. “Well go be there for him then.”
He smiled. “You’re the best.”
“I know.”, she laughed, winking at him.
“I’ll just get some stuff from home and then go back to the condo.”
“Good. Text me once you’re there.”
“I will.”
She leaned in to kiss him again, but he made a step forward to kiss Rachel on the cheek and turn away. He didn’t even hear the “I’ll miss you” she shouted after him.
Harvey was laying on the sofa zapping and wondering how anyone could actually stand afternoon television when the doorbell rang. He turned off the TV, leaned over the edge of the sofa and checked the watch on the wall behind the kitchenette. That couldn’t be Mike already, could it? He looked down on himself and frowned. He had actually planned on getting dressed before he came back. To keep a scrap of his dignity alive. “Well fuck that, I guess” he murmured to himself while the doorbell rang a second time. He heaved himself up, his whole body heavier than he felt it should be. Barely lifting his feet, he scuffed to the door. When he opened it, his eyebrows shot up.
“What are you doing here?”
“You said you’d call. You didn’t.”
Harvey sighed, crossing his arms in front of his chest and averting Jessica’s gaze that seemed to look right through him. “I’m sorry. I forgot.”
“So are you going to ask me inside or am I disturbing your” she pointed at his appearance “domestic bliss?”
He made a step aside and stretched out his hand in a gesture to invite her in.
“Come in.”
He took her coat and put it on the rack next to the door.
“I hope you didn’t come just to check on me.”
She smiled, her head tilted to the side. “I was in town researching for a case, Harvey. This is just a social call.”
He nodded and rushed over to the sofa to pull Mike’s blanket that he’d snuggled up under while watching television off and throw it blindly into the bedroom.
“Do you want something to drink?”
Jessica sat down on one of his armchairs, nodding. “I’d love a scotch.”
Harvey clenched his teeth and rubbed his closed eyes. “I’m afraid I only have water or coffee available.”
Jessica raised her brows and nodded. “Coffee it is then.”While Harvey busied himself making coffee using his French press, Jessica followed him to the kitchenette. “I went to see you at the office but Donna said you took a day off.”
Harvey cleared his throat. “Yeah.”
“See I found that kind of worrisome because since the day I hired you, I don’t remember when you’ve last taken a day of without a family member being sick or you coming to the rescue solving somebody else’s mess.”
Harvey shrugged. “I just felt a bit under the weather, that’s all.”
She tilted her head again. “Harvey.”
He met her gaze. “What?”
“I got a call from Robert Zane last week.”
Harvey snorted and murmured a quiet “that bastard” under his breath.
“What did he tell you?”
“Alarming things, considering that I left the firm to save it only for you to burn it to the ground within weeks.”
He put the French press down harshly enough to make it clang and held up his hands. “Listen, we’ve got it covered. Louis is on it.”
Jessica’s lips twitched. “As he should be. He’s better with finances than you.”
He rolled his eyes about her smirk and continued making coffee. “Maybe he is. Anyways, it’s alright. The firm is fine.”
“It’s not the firm I am worried about.”
Harvey sighed. “Please don’t be the fourth person today to dramatically reveal to me that you are worried about me, Jessica. I can’t handle another one of these conversations.”
Jessica pressed her lips together and nodded. “I see.”
He poured her a coffee and smirked. “Thanks.”
“Can I still say something about you and the firm and your ‘day off’?”
“I don’t think you ever managed not to say something you wanted to get off your chest, so go ahead.”
Jessica put her hands on the counter of the kitchenette and nodded. “Okay.” She hesitated a second and wiped a stand of hair from her face. “Don’t get mad at me for saying this but as your former mentor, I feel I have the right to say it. I think you should take more than a day of. For your own sake and that of the firm.”
Harvey closed his eyes and swallowed while he felt that familiar lump in his chest grow and tighten like a never untangled knot in a shoelace being pulled at. He sighed and opened his eyes again. “You heard about yesterday.
“Half your employees must have either witnessed it or heard the rumors, Harvey. And I’m not saying that’s something you should be embarrassed about.”
He pouted and shook his head, but Jessica kept talking. “Because you shouldn’t. We all have issues. I just think that the firm isn’t doing you any good at the moment.”
“And vice-versa, right? That’s what you mean.”
“I didn’t want to put it that way but yes. You don’t seem in the right headspace to deal with a struggling lawfirm at the moment.”
Harvey clenched his jaw. Nausea had already conquered his stomach and he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants to hide his shiver while the first droplets of cold sweat formed on his forehead. He nodded. His voice sounded calmer than he was when he answered. “You’re right.”
Jessica frowned. “What?”
He threw her the best threatening look he could muster. “Don’t make me say it again.”
Jessica sighed. “I’m sure Louis can handle the firm on his own for a while. And should he ever need any help” she shrugged “my door is always open.” She looked straight into Harvey’s eyes that seemed restless and unfocused by now. “If there is anything I can do, Harvey, whatever it is, let me know and I’ll do it. Okay?”
He nodded and looked to the floor. “There actually is one thing, now you mention it.”
“Whatever it is.”
“Can you tell Louis? I mean he’s been trying to be the bigger man about my…behavior this past weeks, but I don’t think I could handle the barely hidden smug smile on his face when he becomes managing partner.”
“Interim Managing Partner.”Harvey made a waving gesture and stuffed his hand back in his pocket. “Whatever.”
She sighed. “I’ll talk to him if that’s what you want. And I’ll tell him to handle the other partners.”
Harvey rubbed his wet forehead with trembling fingers. “What story are we going with?”
Jessica shrugged. “A sick family member…?”
His gaze darkened and his jaw clenched. “No.” She frowned, looking at his hands that had curled into fists and landed on the counter. “Okay, then you’re what? Taking a sabbatical?”
He sighed. “I fell ill.” Shrugging, he leaned back against the kitchenette. “They don’t need to know anything else. Let them talk. I…tell them I fell ill and am recovering.”
Jessica walked around the counter until she stood in front of him.
“Are you going to be okay, Harvey?”
He shrugged, his gaze glued to his feet. “I don’t know, Jessica. I seriously don’t fucking know.”
She put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. “You’re a tough bastard, Harvey. Whatever you’re going through, you will make it out of there. Alive. You’ll be back in the courtroom scaring attorney’s faster than you think.”
He looked up, his lips curled up in a tiny, yet barely convincing smile. “Call me if you need anything. Whatever it is. Even just someone to talk to.”
Harvey nodded. “Thank you.”
She smiled with eyes full of suppressed worry and turned away to collect her bag that she had left on the armchair in the living room. “Thanks for the coffee.”
He nodded and waved. “Take care.”
Jessica nodded, and with that, she left. Her coffee on the counter remained untouched. Harvey waited until the sound of her steps in the hallway died out before he sprinted to the bathroom to throw up.*Chapter title taken from "Get better" by Frank Turner
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter thirteen - I'm still fixing all the cracks*Fifteen minutes later, after the retching had stopped for good and he had managed to catch his breath, Harvey’s face was red and felt puffy under his touch. He looked in the mirror while wiping his mouth and blinked. Tears of shame formed in his eyes and too tired to fight them, he watched them trickle down his cheeks. A feeling of defiance spread from his chest through all of his body and he sat down on the rim of his bathtub, burying his face in his hands and cringing under the sounds of his own sobs. Every cell of his brain shouted that he was a failure that failed everyone and everything and that he was pathetic, a nutjob, past saving, an asshole, broken, unlovable, a weakling, worthless. His breath turned into hiccups and he bit his clenched fist to get the sobs under control. Mike would soon be here and Harvey couldn’t bear the thought that he might see him this way. Again. He forced himself to take a couple of deep breaths and forced himself on his feet. He peeled his sweat-soaked clothes from his trembling body and dragged himself in the shower again. The warm water didn’t do the job to make him relax this time so he turned it as cold as he could, biting down a squeak when the icy water hit his shoulders. He stayed under the hard cold jet until his skin started feeling numb and his teeth were chattering. After climbing out of the shower and rubbing his red skin dry with a towel, he hastily brushed his teeth and rushed to his bedroom in order to slip into some real trousers and a proper white shirt. Adding to the costume, he even put his wristwatch on before heading back to the living room.Harvey pulled a random book from his shelf and sat down in an armchair, opening the book at a random page without any intent to actually read. His hands clenched around the book while his thoughts kept rambling and his breath seemed to barely make it to his lungs. Everything inside him wanted for something to numb his mind and heart. God, he wanted a drink. His fingernails dug into the armrest. “Think of something else” he silently told himself. But of what? He turned back to the first page of the book and tried to actually read. It took him three tries to even make his brain register the title. Of all the books he owned he had picked “Fiesta” by Hemingway. A bitter laugh got caught in his throat. The doorbell rang. Harvey swallowed and put the book on the coffee table before walking to the door.Mike needed barely more than a second to catch a glimpse of Harvey’s face over the bags he was carrying to know he was worse than the night before. The grin on his face seemed forced and his eyes looked so empty, Mike had to shake of some chills while squeezing past him.“Are you planning to move in completely? Because if so, I’ll have to charge you.”Harvey pointed on the two bags Mike had just thrown to the floor with a huff.“I just didn’t feel like another walk of shame to the courthouse. Sorry I didn’t come earlier. Something came up at the clinic and I had to speak to a new client.”“How did your trial go?”“We won.” Mike peeled of his jacket and threw it over the backrest of one of the armchairs. “How did your day go?”Harvey sighed. “Okay.”Mike lifted his brows. “Did it?”The older man sat down on the sofa and crossed his legs. “Jessica came by and I decided that I’m…” he swallowed before he had to practically force the words to leave his mouth “taking a longer time off. Louis will be interim managing partner.”Mike frowned. “And you are okay with this?”Harvey shrugged. “I guess.”“I’m proud of you.”Harvey snorted. “How so?”“I know that decision must have been a hard one for you but I believe you did the right thing by putting yourself first for once.”Harvey swallowed, looking to the floor.“Anyways. Congratulations on your first win. We should celebrate. Order some Chinese food or whatever you feel like? Maybe watch a movie?”Mike shrugged. “Yeah, why not?” He tried not to think of the unfinished case files in his bags. He could take care of them tomorrow morning if he got up early enough.“As a treat for your first win with the clinic, I’ll even let you pick the movie.”Mike chuckled. “What an honor.” He fished for the remote on the coffee table and moved to the sofa to switch the television on. Harvey subconsciously moved away a bit once Mike sat down next to him. Mike looked up at him, two big question marks in his eyes.“Everything alright?”Harvey nodded. “Yeah, sure.” His damn heart was beating faster just by noticing Mike’s body so close to his. When had this unwanted attraction become this bad? After all this years stuffing his feelings away carefully and keeping himself under control, Harvey felt overwhelmed by the sudden urge to move into Mike’s arms and what – fucking cuddle him? He got up to shake the thought. “What would you like to eat? Chinese? Thai? Mexican?”Mike thought for a second. “Feels more like a pizza kind of day.”Harvey nodded. “Okay, Pizza it is then. But we’re not putting pineapple on it again.”Mike rolled his eyes. “You’re such a lowbrow. Pineapple on pizza is culinary art.”Harvey grimaced. “It is a fucking disgusting felony and you should feel ashamed for promoting it.”“Fine” Mike threw his hands up, laughing. “Arrest me.”“Be careful what you wish for while still on probation.”“What are you gonna do? Rat me out to the taste police?”“You know in severe cases, civilians can actually arrest people. And I’d say this is a very severe case of criminal tastebuds.”“So you’re gonna put me in chains and throw me in pineapple-prison?”“Don’t tempt me.” This time Harvey’s grin actually reached his eyes and send some weird warmth right into Mike’s chest and from there to his cheeks. Mike cleared his throat, slightly irritated. What was this? Were they…flirting? No, that was absurd.“Ok, you win. No pineapple. You decide. But only if you’re actually planning on really eating something.”Harvey’s grin dissolved and Mike wanted to slap himself for having been so tactless. “I mean, if you’re hungry…”Harvey sighed. “No you’re right. I should eat. Pepperoni okay?”“Yeah, sounds good.”“Good.”While Harvey ordered their pizza on the phone, Mike threw his head back against the sofa’s headrest and silently cursed himself. He pulled his phone from his pocket and wrote Rachel a short message, telling her he was with Harvey now and wishing her goodnight, before he got up to search one of his bags for his pajamas and get to the bathroom to get changed.When he came back in a white T-Shirt and his washed-out pajama-trousers, Harvey had sat down on the sofa again and mustered him with raised brows.“What?” Mike looked down on himself. “Now my taste in fashion is a criminal offense too?”Harvey pouted. “Remind me to get you some decent pajamas for Christmas.”“Says the man wearing business casual in his own condo.”“I didn’t know we were going full ‘pajama party’ with this one.”Mike shrugged.“Why the hell not? It’s been a while since we had a fun night just for the sake of it, right? And watching a movie in full office attire is barely comfortable.”Harvey sighed and lifted his hands, defeated. “Alright, alright. You win.” He walked to his bedroom to search the drawer for another clean shirt and sweatpants, making a mental note to finally get some washing done tomorrow before he could run out of clothes without the stench of panic-attack-sweat. When he came back to the living room, Mike was already browsing Netflix. Harvey moved one of the armchairs so it was facing the television. Mike stopped searching for a movie and watched him with irritation.“What? Is the sofa suddenly not big enough for the two us anymore? You do remember we have actually sat here together watching movies several times?”Harvey nodded. “Yeah, I just…”“Get over here, you idiot.”But Harvey didn’t move.Mike sighed. “Is this about yesterday night? Harvey if I did anything at all to make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry.”Harvey panted. “No. That’s not it.”Mike raised his brows. “But?”“Nothing.” Harvey sat down next to Mike, trying to keep as much distance as the small piece of furniture allowed.Mike watched him with a mixture of worry and amusement before he focused back on picking a movie. Mike wanted something light-hearted to brighten the mood and picked Mothy Python’s “The life of Brian”, a classic he knew both him and Harvey could quote forward and backwards. Harvey rolled his eyes when he pressed play but ten minutes into the movie, he had visibly relaxed, leaning into the sofa cushions and talking along to the dialogue on screen together with Mike.They were laughing about the graffiti scene when the pizza came and Mike went to get the door. Immediately, the smell of freshly baked pizza flooded the room and Harvey felt his stomach rumble. The nervosity inside him that had just started to ease peaked again and the sigh of the pizza carton alone scared him. Mike noted his clenched jaw and put the pizza carton on the coffee table to go fetch some plates. He handed one to Harvey with a frown. “If you don’t want to eat, you don’t have to. I just think you should.”Harvey sighed, looking at the carton like it was the final boss in a videogame.“I know.”Mike opened the carton and loaded a huge piece onto his own plate. Taking a bite and groaning, he let himself fall back onto the sofa, pulling his feet up to balance the plate on his knees.“It’s good pizza” he mumbled with a full mouth between two bites and Harvey couldn’t stop himself from looking at him with a smile. Mike was wolfing down his second piece already, his fingers greasy and his eyes glowing with content. Harvey laughed. “I mean are you even sure you’ll be able to leave something for me?”Mike licked his fingers and smirked. “I mean I am trying here.”Harvey tried to smirk back, but obviously failed since Mike put down his plate and wiped his hands on his pajama trousers with a serious face. “Can I ask you something?”Harvey shrugged. “Depends on the question.”“Did you lose weight on purpose?”Harvey lifted his brows. “No. I didn’t.”“Ok. Cause, I mean not that it matters but I think you didn’t need to.”“I’m not an anorexic, Mike. I’m just…” He sighed and grabbed a slice of pizza to take a huge bite. “See? I’m eating.”Mike lifted his hands in defense. “Okay.” He put another slice on his plate and took a huge bite. “Man, they make the best fucking pizza.”Harvey kept chewing, actually focused on the taste of the pizza and felt like he had to agree. It was really good. His stomach rumbled again, but he swallowed nevertheless. Mike was right. He had lost weight. This had to stop. Even if he had to vomit later, at least he tried. He leaned back into the cushions and turned his gaze back to the movie. Brian was stumbling into the desert and Harvey chuckled. “Man, I didn’t see this in ages.”Mike nodded. “Me neither. But it’s a cinematic masterpiece.”“Masterpiece is a bit much. But it’s decent.”Mike snorted. “Decent? If this is decent to you, what is actually good?”Harvey shrugged, taking another bite from his pizza. “I mean the Pythons are fine but I’m more of a Mel Brooks man.”Mike weighted his head from side to side. “Spaceballs was amazing, I give you that.”“Nothing beats ‘Men in tights’ though. That is what I call a masterpiece.”The younger man chuckled. “I haven’t seen that one in a very long time. We should watch it next time. When you pick the movie.”Harvey nodded, feeling something inside him warm up at the thought of more movie nights with Mike sitting next to him. “Yeah. We should.”They fell silent apart from laughs and quoting dialogue for the rest of the movie until Mike started singing along to ‘Always look on the bright side of life’ and Harvey turned the movie off laughing that he didn’t want to lose his hearing.Staring on the black tv screen still laughing, Harvey noted that he hadn’t panicked for more than an hour and eaten three slices of pizza without feeling the need to retch them back up again immediately. But maybe it would be worse again later? His smile faltered and he swallowed.Mike put down his plate on the coffee table with a loud thud and pulled him from his darkening thoughts. “You should have stopped me from eating that much.”Harvey snorted and watched in amusement how Mike was rubbing his stomach.“I don’t think I could have stopped you.”“It’s just that I haven’t had pizza since before prison and it was just so damn good.”Their eyes met and Mike wanted to slap himself for mentioning prison when he saw something in Harvey’s eyes darken.Harvey cleared his throat as Mike opened his mouth to say something. “You must be tired. I’ll leave you to it.”Mike shook his head. “I’m not…”Harvey got up nevertheless. “This was fun.” He smiled at Mike. “Thank you.”Mike checked the time on his mobile. “Come on, old man. It’s not even nine yet. Let’s watch something else. Men in tights maybe?”Harvey rolled his eyes. “It’s Wednesday, right?”Mike frowned. “Yeah? And?”Harvey sat back down. “Put CBS on.”Mike’s eyes widened and a grin spread on his face. “Oh my god. You’re a ‘Suvivor’ fan? For real?”Harvey snatched the remote from his hands and switched the TV back on with another eyeroll.“It’s my guilty pleasure and I’m not going to be judged by the guy who liked the Batman-movies with Clooney.”“We’re not having that discussion again. Those movies are great.”Harvey pouted. “They’re not.”Mike leaned forward to be able to look at Harvey’s face and grinned. “You are trying to make me defend Clooney’s genius interpretation of Batman in order to not make fun of the fact that you only like survivor because you are still a boyscout at heart.”Harvey sighed. “You’re just jealous because you wouldn’t last a day in the woods.”Mike wanted to answer that he lasted in prison but bit his tongue the last second, going with a way safer “I would.”“You wouldn’t. You’re so clumsy you wouldn’t even manage putting together a tent.”Mike sighed. “Okay. Point taken. But I do remember what plants are poisonous and which are edible so I’d be amazing at finding food.”Harvey switched the channel to CBS and snorted. “Shut up, watch and learn.”They fell silent and watched as the participants solved their weekly tasks, formed alliances and argued. After a while, Harvey’s phone buzzed and he did his best to hide away the message he had received. His mood changed instantly after reading it. Mike carefully watched Harvey out of the corner of his eye. He sat there somewhat stiff and after a while, his eyes had that distant look again, like he wasn’t watching but somewhere else with his thoughts entirely.Somewhere during the first commercial, Mike folded his arms in front of his chest and pulled his feet under his legs, shuddering a bit. Harvey looked at him and without exchanging a word with him, got up to get his blanket from the bedroom. Mike smiled, expecting Harvey to throw it at him, but instead, Harvey sat down with it and spread it over both of them, avoiding his gaze as he did. Mike saw his Hands shiver quiet a bit while he did so and cleared his throat.“Are you okay?”Harvey nodded. “I’m fine.” There was no bite in his voice this time. Just a hearable lie.“What is it?”“Nothing.”“Come on, Harvey. I’m here. You can talk to me.”“I was just going through a list of clients. Thinking who will take them over while I…”He broke of and gestured into the distance.“You have plenty of time to go over that with Louis tomorrow.”“Yeah.” Harvey looked on his folded hands that lay on the blanket.Mike sighed. “Is there anything I can do to help you shut your mind off a bit? I mean I can return to singing if it helps”, Mike grinned and Harvey laughed. “Please spare me.”Mike chuckled. “Okay, your choice.” They fell silent and he watched Harvey cross his arms in front of his fast moving chest. He was obviously spiraling again.“Harvey?”“Hm?”“It’s going to be okay. Louis is going to find a solution. It won’t be as good as you, cause you’re the best, but it’s going to be okay. The firm will be fine. And when you’re ready, you can return to your seat at the table.”“I know.”“Then why are you…” Mike bit his lip. That was a stupid question and he knew it before he finished the sentence. He wanted to change the subject, but Harvey’s face had already darkened.“Why am I panicking? I don’t fucking know.”Harvey didn’t look at him as Mike slided closer to him, their legs nearly touching now. His features were barely visible in the dark room lit up only by the changing lights of the TV screen. But it was light enough to let Mike see Harvey’s clenched fists on his lap.“I’m sorry. That was stupid. Can I ask you when this started?”Harvey sighed. “You can ask, but I won’t answer that.”“Okay.” Mike looked at Harvey’s fists. “How’s your hand?”Harvey unclenched his hands and looked at the one with the cut. He had forgotten to bandage it again after showering. The cut had started healing and barely hurt, but there was a bit of redness around the wound. A mild infection probably. “It’s alright.” He clenched it back into a fist as it started to quiver before his eyes, trying to hide it away from Mike as if the other man didn’t already know how messed-up he was by now.Mike hesitated for a second before he grabbed that hand and gently folded Harvey’s fingers back to be able to look at his palm. Harvey froze beneath his touch, looking at him with a mixture of confusion and something else.“You have to stop doing this or the cut will open up again.” Mike carefully touched the scab on the wound. “Does it still hurt?”Harvey snatched his hand away. “It doesn’t.”Their eyes met.Mike noted the restlessness in Harvey’s eyes, the slight quiver in his lips and his chopped breath. Something tugged on his heartstrings. He just wanted to help Harvey so badly, but he didn’t know how. He was used to always finding a solution for seemingly unsolvable problems but in this case, his brain came up empty. Harvey tried to look away, obviously ashamed, but Mike followed his gaze. “Can I tell you something about prison without triggering your unnecessary feeling of guilt?”Harvey shrugged.“I was scared shitless. At the beginning. With Gallo and everything. I lay awake at night because I was too scared to fall asleep. About everything. But it got better. After a while.”Harvey frowned, his jaw still clenched. “Why are you telling me this?”“Because…” Mike sighed. “I can see that you’re scared, Harvey. I don’t know what you’re scared of and I don’t need you to tell me if that’s not what you want. But I need you to understand that being scared is nothing to be ashamed of. Especially not in front of me. I know you’ve seen me scared and you never judged me. And I am not judging you. I know you don’t want to hear it again but I am here. For you. Because I care.” He blinked as he felt his eyes start to burn. “And because if I could take this weight off your shoulders, if I knew how to make it better, I would. So please, stop trying to hide from me how you feel. You know me well enough to know I see through all of your charades. Just allow me to be there for you. For once.”Harvey took a shaky breath and blinked. “Shit.” He wanted to throw Mike out of the condo, find something to drink and drown every single one of his thoughts in liquor until there was nothing but darkness. But he was too tired to argue. Too scared. He felt his chest closing around his lungs and tried taking deep breaths while crossing his arms. “You really want to know why I started panicking again?”“If you can tell me, then yes.”“Because Louis send me the contacts of a therapist recommended by Lipschitz. I asked him to. And now I’ll have to actually see this therapist and let him poke around in my life again and....” He broke off.Mike sighed. “Harvey I think your last therapist was an idiot. She obviously didn’t help you but that doesn’t mean that no other therapist can.”“I know.”“You just don’t want to go through it all again.”Harvey just nodded.Mike carefully placed his hand on his shoulder and let it rest there even though Harvey flinched beneath the touch. “I’m not saying it’s not going to be hard. But it’s going to get better, Harvey.”“Oh yeah?” Harvey threw him a threatening look. “Is it? I don’t see why it would.” He was sweating by now and Mike could see him swallow frequently. He seemed nauseous again.Mike grabbed Harvey’s arms and unfolded them, letting his hands slide down to his hands. Harvey watched him with confusion as Mike let his fingers slide between his like he had done the night before.“What are you doing?”“This helped yesterday, didn’t it?”Harvey didn’t respond.“See? You said it was particularly bad yesterday but it still got better.”Harvey looked up into his eyes.Mike blinked. His heart skipped a beat. For a second, he was drowning in Harvey’s eyes before he caught his own gaze wandering down to his lips. He forced himself to let his eyes dart back up.“Try to focus on me, okay?”Mike took a deep breath through his mouth, held it, and released it through his nose. Their hands still entangled, Harvey hesitantly followed his lead. They sat there, breathing together, their knees touching and their eyes locked while Mike’s thumbs had started circling gently over the back of Harvey’s hands again. Mike lost track of time. On the one hand, the moment seemed to last an eternity. On the other hand, it seemed to last barely longer than a blink. Harvey’s expression slowly softened and his hands that had been spread out stiffly before, closed themselves around Mike’s hands. His breath slowed down. The shivering declined. Mike smiled.“Better?”Harvey cleared his throat and slowly pulled away.They fell silent with the television still blurting in the background.Mike tugged on the blanket and pulled it up a bit so it covered both of them up to their stomachs. Harvey lifted a brow. Their eyes locked again. Silent questions. Mike’s mind blanked. His heart autopiloted him to lean back, reach for Harvey’s shoulder and pull him back against the cushions with him, his arm firmly wrapped around Harvey. To his surprise, Harvey just briefly stiffened before he relaxed and looked back to the television were the candidates were nominating their opponents for elimination. Harvey cleared his throat.“Your hands are cold as ice.”Mike moved his hand, that had been lightly touching Harvey’s ear before, down to his shoulder blade. “Sorry.”“Are you still chilly?”“A bit.”“Hm.”Harvey moved beneath the blanket, sliding closer to him, shoving Mike’s arm under the blanket and throwing his own arm over Mike’s shoulder. Their sides were touching now. Mike swallowed. His heart seemed to have plans to beat its way out of his chest and he didn’t really feel cold any longer. His pinkie twitched beneath the blanket, feeling Harvey’s hand just inches from his. Without thinking, he gently let his finger wander over the back of Harvey’s hand, stroking up from his wrist to his fingers and back down. Harvey let him.Something inside Harvey felt like it had just clicked. The fear was still there, tamed for know but changed in its appearance. He wasn’t scared of his thoughts for once. He was scared of what the hell they were doing here. But not enough to make it stop. Focusing on Mike had calmed him down and freaked him out at the same time. His pulse was racing like it wanted to win an Olympic medal but there was also this warmth in his heart region again where there had only been tightness before. Mike’s hand gently wandering over his own send goosebumps up his arm, his shoulders and his back and Mike’s side leaning into his tugged on something inside of him that longed for more. More touch. More closeness. More Mike. His mind asked himself what the fuck was happening but it knew the answer all along. Deep down, Harvey had known for years that Mike was more than a friend to him. That there was a part of him that longed to protect Mike, no matter the cost. A part that wanted to touch him. Hold him. Be with him. Not as family. Not as friends. Harvey swallowed. Was he just admitting to himself that what he had always sold himself as a harmless crush on a friend was actually something a lot deeper? Mike was engaged, for fuck’s sake. And his best friend. And very heterosexual. Harvey knew he himself wasn’t. Sure, he’d mostly been with women and yes, a part of him loved Donna – he had admitted that to himself long ago but decided not to act on it for Donna’s and his own good – but during university, he had been with men too. And he’d liked it. He was bisexual, leaning towards women most of the time but Mike – he’d been one of the few exceptions for years. Even though Harvey had spent a good amount of time trying to suppress his feelings and keeping them under control, letting the cat out of the bag now was kind of a relief. If anybody asked him, he would deny his feelings. But it was kind of good to finally acknowledge them. Accept that they were there. Even though they were fucking scary. He knew he couldn’t act on them. Fuck, no. Their friendship was too valuable. He couldn’t handle losing Mike again. Even if Mike were into him (and that was a big if) he was with Rachel and Harvey would never dare to even think about coming between them. They were perfect together. And Mike wasn’t into him anyway. Right? But what the heck? Why was Mike suddenly being like this? What did it mean? Nothing at all, probably. He was being a good friend. A soft, gentle, good friend. Women cuddled all the time as friends without any sexual intent. Why shouldn’t men? This was completely innocent. And as much as Harvey tried to make himself believe otherwise – it was helpful. Mike’s presence so close to him calmed his anxiety. He liked it. How confusing and dangerous it might be. So he didn’t flinch when Mike shuffled a bit and put his head on Harvey’s shoulder with a barely audible “do you mind?” after a while.“Not at all.”Mike noticed a difference in the sound of Harvey’s voice but couldn’t quiet put the finger on it. He kind of liked it. He kind of liked all of this. Feeling Harvey next to him. This close. His hand beneath his touch. Smelling his cologne and something that Mike just identified as Harvey from the few occasions he’d hugged the man. Harvey being relaxed and weirdly okay with this. Whatever this was. It was nothing, right? Mike knew it wasn’t nothing. Had known since those nights in prison when all he could think of was Harvey, not Rachel. But he wasn’t ready to admit that. He just knew that letting his head rest on Harvey’s broad shoulders felt good. Felt natural. Like the right thing to do at this moment. So he went with his instincts and did it.They stayed like that until Survivor was long over and some late night talkshow was on. Mike felt his eyes fall close a couple of times but forced himself awake again every single time. He didn’t want Harvey to catch him falling asleep. Because then he’d get up and leave him to sleep on this sofa. Alone. Mike didn’t want that. Because he didn’t want to leave Harvey alone, of course. At least that’s what his sleepy mind insisted on. And part of this was true. He did not want Harvey to be alone. Not after what he had witnessed last night. His mind woke from its sleepy fog, forming an idea. He cleared his throat and forced himself to pull away from Harvey to look at him.Harvey’s lips twitched in amusement but his eyes looked nervous as Mike slowly lifted the blanket and slid away from him. “I have to tell you your sofa is really a nightmare for my back.”Harvey lifted his brows. “Is that so?”Mike nodded. “It’s fucking torture.”Harvey bit back a grin. “Well you could always sleep at your own apartment.”“It’s late. I’m tired.”The older man chuckled. “You can have the bed for tonight if you want to. I’ll be fine on the couch.”Mike bit his lip. That was not the result he’d been hoping for. But it was the logical one, he understood now. He silently cursed his sleepy brain for being an idiot when he heard Harvey chuckle again. “I can practically hear you think, Mike.”“Can you? Then what am I thinking, hm, you mind-reading genius?”Harvey sighed. “You’re worried and you don’t want me to sleep alone, am I right?”Mike looked away, caught and a little embarrassed. “Maybe. I mean no offense. You are really capable of sleeping on your own. It’s just that I would feel a lot calmer, if…”“Yeah, yeah. Shut up. The bed’s big enough for two people. Just don’t snore like a fucking chainsaw again.”Mike looked at him, taken aback. He would never have expected Harvey to give in so easily so for a second, he froze, watching him turn off the TV and walking to the bedroom.It took Harvey shouting ‘bring the blanket, I don’t have another spare one’ for Mike to unfreeze, pick up said blanket and head to the bedroom. He entered just in time to see Harvey pull his T-Shirt over his head and swallowed as a wave of confusing feelings crashed over his head. Mike looked away a second too late not to be caught staring and threw the blanket on the bed. He felt slightly watched while pulling his own pizza-greasy shirt over his head and tried to get into the bed without turning around to Harvey. Laying flat on his back, his hands above the blanket, he waited for Harvey to switch off the lights, but he didn’t. A laugh made him turn his head. Harvey lay next to him, grinning and shaking his head. Mike frowned. “What?”“Nothing.”“What is so damn funny?” He felt his own lips twitching.Harvey pressed his lips together to contain the laughter but failed.“I’m sorry, but…I mean…” he pointed on himself and on Mike and broke into a wave of a laughter so warm that it made Mike’s heart swell before he joined in, laughing until he teared up and his stomach hurt. He rolled on his side, facing Harvey, and tried to catch his breath. Harvey was wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, still chuckling.“Great to know that I only have to take my shirt off the next time I want to make you laugh.”Harvey grinned. “I wouldn’t mind.”Mike chewed on the inside of his bottom lip as his heart skipped a beat yet again. This was definitely flirting, wasn’t it? Dangerous territory. He should retreat. Now. But instead he heard himself reply “anytime” with a big grin that grew even wider when he caught that new unfamiliar glimmer in Harvey’s eyes. What was that? Amusement? No. Something else. By now Mike’s brain was pretty fed up with him. “Dude, you’re not that stupid. You know what’s going on here.” But he told it to go fuck itself. He could overthink all of this tomorrow. Now all that counted was that Harvey was smiling. A yawn escaped his lips and before he could say something, Harvey leaned over to the lamp on his nightstand and turned off the light. Mike half expected Harvey to turn his back on him, but he didn’t. He turned back on his side facing Mike, eyes closed and lips still curled upwards. Mike hugged his blanket tighter and closed his eyes.“Good night.”There was no reply from Harvey who was already sound asleep. *Chapter Title taken from the Lyrics of 'Arcade' by Duncan Laurence
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Chapter 14 – You’re like a puzzle to be worked out
Mike woke with a jolt and sat up, blinking in confusion. His brain took a second to realize where he was and how he’d gotten here. Next to him, Harvey’s blanket rustled. Mike shot him a look, but he had only turned on his back, still asleep. The first sunbeam of an early autumn morning fell through the thick curtains of Harvey’s bedroom onto his features. Mike’s lips curled up into a smile. Something in his chest fluttered. Mike rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand and fumbled for his mobile on the nightstand. The display informed him it was 06:30 am. He carefully got up, picking his T-Shirt up from the floor in the process, before he tiptoed out of the room. He carefully closed the door behind him and pulled his shirt on once he was in the living room. Releasing a breath he hadn’t known he was holding, Mike shook his head. What the hell? Had he really just woken up next to Harvey? It felt surreal to know that he’d spent all night next to him, but less weird than Mike would have expected. Somewhere in the back of his still foggy brain, he realized that he had liked it, that it had been just like he’d sometimes secretly imagined, but he folded that thought neatly away and put it in a box in the far back of his mind. He didn’t have time for this now. There were case files waiting for him in his bag and since he didn’t want to get to the office before Harvey woke up, he would have to look through them over breakfast. If Harvey even had anything edible in the house. But first he needed a shower.When he climbed out of the shower and slipped into a clean set of clothes from his bag twenty minutes later, his mind had cleared. While brushing his teeth, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking that he should never tell Rachel about last night’s incident. Although it hadn’t really been an incident, had it? He was just comforting a friend. But would she understand? And why on earth was he feeling guilty? Nothing had happened. Mike spit the toothpaste into the sink and rinsed his mouth with cold water. The box in the back of his mind rattled, spitting out another thought. “You held his hands.” Mike swallowed. Something inside his stomach tingled in a weird, forgotten way. He looked at himself in the mirror and silently told himself to get a grip.Of course Harvey didn’t have a single edible item in his fridge – only some rotten vegetables and old eggs that Mike cleared out – so he started making some coffee before throwing on his coat and deciding to do some grocery shopping. Mike searched the room for a piece of paper and a pen, found some on the desk in the corner and wrote a note for Harvey. He placed it next to the freshly brewed coffee and hurried outside.It was cold, but the rising sun announced that there was a sunny, halfway warm day coming. Mike climbed his bike and rode a block to the next grocery store he knew of, picked up some essentials and drove back to the apartment, glad to busy his mind with this mundane task. When he returned, the coffee was still untouched and the door to the bedroom remained closed. Mike smiled. It was good that Harvey was finally getting some sleep.Two hours later, Mike had not only finished two cups of coffee and a creamcheese bagel, but also was through with his case files. Therefore, when Harvey finally opened the door of the bedroom, he was greeted by the sight of Mike preparing scrambled eggs. Harney’s eyebrows instantly shot up and he smirked. “What the hell are you doing?”Mike met his gaze and his lips curled up. “Good morning Sleepyhead. I thought I’d thank you for your hospitality and return the favor by making breakfast.”Harvey snorted and walked over to the kitchen counter. “Hospitality.” He lifted his brows. “That’s not how I would’ve put it.”Mike shrugged and put the finished scrambled eggs on a plate in front of Harvey. “There’s also coffee and I got you some basics like cereal, vegetables and Milk. And I got you toilet paper, because you were running low.”Harvey took a bite from the eggs and poured himself some coffee. “How long have you been up housewifeing?”“I’m an early bird.”Harvey nodded, sighing. “Mike, I...”Mike put his hand on Harvey’s on the counter. “It was nothing. You don’t have to thank me.”Harvey let his tongue wander over his teeth and stared at Mike’s hand on his own before he finally pulled it away. He looked up and swallowed when he saw the disappointment in Mike’s eyes. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but you’ve been really kind and I’m thankful.”Mike shrugged. “What a dramatic thank you for a bit of grocery shopping and a movie night.”Harvey looked at him, his lips curled upwards but his eyes sad. “It was more than that.”Their eyes locked and they fell silent. Harvey wasn’t sure if Mike understood the subtext of his statement. A part of him hoped he would, while another part wished he wouldn’t.Harvey had been awake for more than an hour and had spent it lying in bed thinking about the previous night. He’d come to a conclusion he didn’t like. He had feelings for Mike and the closer they got, the more difficult it was for him to keep them in check. He had no idea if Mike shared his feelings or if his caring and touching had only been proof of his friendship. And Harvey didn’t even want to know. He knew enough. He knew Mike was going to get married to an amazing woman and he would never do anything to get between him and Rachel. But Harvey wasn’t quite sure if Rachel would be fine with what had happened last night. Because something had happened. One-sided or not, they had gotten close. Too close for Harvey’s taste. He despised nothing in the world more than infidelity and even risking that there could be the slightest chance that their friendship could ever take a different direction was far too dangerous. Rachel didn’t deserve a fiancé that spend his nights in somebody else's bed – no matter if in a friendly or a romantic way, it just didn’t seem appropriate. This had to stop. His body very much disagreed, sending shivers down his spine and making him regret having swallowed a fork of scrambled eggs. His brain tried to tell him that he would lose Mike if he shoved him away and his heart begged to keep the one person close that seemed to make his inner darkness manageable. But on the other hand, this seemed to be the only way not to get his heart broken. Mike was straight. Harvey suffered enough without adding heartache to the list of his problems. His heart whispered that there was something between them, something he didn’t just imagine. His brain told his heart to shut up. He didn’t listen to any of it but cleared his throat, breaking the heavy silence between them.“You should head home after work. Rachel must miss you terribly.”Mike swallowed and a shadow of anger flickered over his features. “She’s fine.”Harvey smirked. “It’s okay, kid. I got this.”Mike frowned. “Are you sure?”The older man rolled his eyes. “All I’m saying is that I have to stop relying on you. I have to get my shit together and I will.” Mike didn’t look convinced, so he added “I promise” with a forced smile. Mike watched him with visible doubt, seemingly searching for an opposite proof. “I don’t mind staying for a bit.”“I know. But you have to stop making me your first priority. I interrupted your life and relied on you to help me fix my mess and that wasn’t fair.”“Harvey...”“I mean it, Mike.”“Are you going to get help?”Harvey nodded. “I will. I’ll call Lipschitz’ recommendation today and ask for an appointment.”Mike sighed. “Can I be honest?”“Shoot.”“I don’t really feel comfortable leaving you alone.”Harvey shook his head. “I don’t have any plans on doing anything stupid. No drinking, no falling into shards, no running in front of cars.”Mike shrugged. “Well if you don’t want me here, I won’t intrude any longer.”Harvey lifted his hands. “That’s not what I meant.”Mike crossed his arms, nodding. “I know. I’m sorry, I’m just...tired, maybe. Just...you can always give me a call. No matter why or when. You know that, right?”Harvey nodded. “I know.”Mike checked his watch. “I have to get going, but I’ll call you later. If that’s okay?”Harvey nodded. “Of course. Now go fight capitalism or something.”Mike emptied his third cup of coffee and got his bag from the living room. He walked to the apartment door and hesitated. “Do you have any plans for Saturday?”“Not that I know of. Why?”“Have dinner with Rachel and me. Our place, we cook.”Harvey sighed. “Mike...”“Come on. You owe me one.”Harvey shrugged, defeated. “Okay.”Mike’s face lit up and he threw his bag over his shoulder. “Talk to you later.”“Bye, Rookie.”Harvey took a deep breath when the door fell close behind Mike. He felt his stomach rumble and swallowed as his heart grew heavy in his tightening chest. Everything inside him wanted to run to the bathroom and throw up, but instead he got up to get a glass of water from the tap. He slowly swallowed some small gulps and forced himself to breathe slowly. His racing mind stayed unimpressed by his efforts to calm down, but his body did him the favor to feel a little less like a dying shell. ‘You’re going to ruin your friendship‘, his brain whispered. He tried not to listen. ‚People will think you’re weak if you really take a break‘, it changed the topic. He drank another glass of water. ‚They are going to force you to apologize to your mother‘. He clenched his jaw and reached for his mobile laying on the counter and dialed before his mind could force him to decide against it.Being rich came with a large variety of advantages and privileges, many of which Harvey didn’t even recognize as such any longer. But even he knew that it took a lot of money to call a therapist and get an appointment on the same day. He hadn’t even though that he’d reach someone over the phone directly. He had been prepared to leave his number on an answering machine. Instead, a friendly voice had greeted him, listened to his stuttering about how he thought he needed a new therapist and after asking him about his insurance, invited him for a first appointment the same afternoon. Harvey had spent the rest of the day pacing in the condo, trying to calm down enough to force himself out of the house. He had thought about calling Mike twice but forced himself not to hit the call-button. He felt like this was something he needed to do on his own. By midday, he had decided he could not go and searched all cabinets for any remaining alcohol. But Mike had been thorough. There was not a single drop of liquor in the condo. He thought about going out to buy some but then he thought that if he could make it to the store, he could make it to the therapist as well. Lying on his bed, he once again stared at Mike’s contact before scrolling up to Jessica’s name. But he didn’t want to tell her about this. He checked the watch on his wrist. It was time to get ready. Harvey pulled himself together as good as he could, slipped into a shirt and jacket, put on some shoes and drove down the elevator and got into the car Ray already waited with. The vicinity in which the practice lay was very different from the neighborhood in which Dr. Agard had met with her clients. Harvey was surprised to find himself in Brooklyn, standing in the middle of a lively street and spotting the therapist’s sign among others on the wall of what looked like an office building. He rang the bell before he could chicken out. He was buzzed in and entered a hallway that hadn’t seen a renovation in obviously quiet some time. Harvey started to ask himself if Lipschitz had really thought well about this recommendation or whether Louis was trolling him, when he reached the first door on the second floor and was greeted by a young woman with a ponytail in a summer dress. “Mr. Specter?” He nodded and swallowed against the huge lump in his throat. The woman smiled and stretched out her hand. “I’m Katherine Porter.” He shook her hand and followed her inside. They walked into a small waiting area with a small white sofa covered in plushy blankets. In front of the sofa stood a glass table with a water carafe, glasses and a candy jar filled with lemon sherbets next to a pile of magazines featuring headlines about selfcare and psychology. The walls weren’t painted, exposing the blank concrete where they weren’t covered in framed pictures with various inscriptions. Harvey caught a glimpse of one reading “Walking in the rain doesn’t mean the sun does not exist.” He frowned. Porter followed his gaze and chuckled. “Take a seat for a minute, please. I’ll just finish up my notes on my last session and will be with you in a minute. Help yourself with a glass of water if you like. The toilet is down the hall.” She gave him an encouraging nod and moved to another room. He stood for a second, unsure if he wanted to stay. His whole body felt tingly and uncomfortable. He loosened his tie. Why was he even wearing one? He tried to take a deep breath but it seemed to get stuck in his chest. He cleared his throat and went to the bathroom. After closing the door behind him, he looked into the small mirror above the sink and looked himself in the eyes. “Get a grip, Specter” he silently pleaded, before splashing some water on his sweaty face and wiping it with a paper towel from a stack next to a stash of tampons and hand lotion. He raised his brows again and sorted his tie when he heard a faint “Mr. Specter?” from outside. He unlocked the door and planted a smile on his features. Porter looked at him with obvious worry. “Do you need a minute?”“No. I’m good.”She raised her brows like a silent bullshit-detector inside her had just started blaring but gestured silently towards her office. “After you. Can I get you anything? Tea, water, coffee?”Harvey felt his tongue scratch against his gums. It felt like hitting a carpet. “A glass of water would be nice.” She nodded and poured him a glass from another carafe on the coffee table standing between two large armchairs which basically had “Ikea” written all over them. He accepted the glass and took a sip. She pointed to one of the armchairs and sat down in the other one. He followed her lead and sat down watching her pick up a notebook and a pen. She smiled at him, her big blue eyes warm and sympathetic. “First of all, I’m glad we could meet so soon. I want you to know that everything you tell me will always stay between us. Today, we’ll use our time to find out if I am the right person to help you. If not, that’s fine as well and I’ll help you find somebody who suits you better. I would like to start with you explaining what brought you here, if that’s okay. At the end of our session, I’ll give you a questionnaire to fill out as a little homework, should you decide to come back.” She leaned back and made herself comfortable before pointing at a faint figure under a blanket at the other end of the room next to her desk. “I do have to admit that we do have a listener today, though. Are you scared of dogs?”Harvey shook his head. “No. I like dogs.”She smiled. “Good. That’s Bertie. He has a bit of a cold. Otherwise, he’d already greeted you with great enthusiasm.”Harvey smiled and started to relax a bit. “What breed?”“Dalmatian.”“Is he just a pet, or…”“He is a good friend and also my colleague. He is a trained therapy-dog. But enough about him. As cute as he might be, we are here to talk about you, so what brings you here?”Harvey folded his hands on top of his crossed legs and swallowed. “You have been recommended to me.”She nodded. “I am aware of that. But why did someone recommend you to me?”“You mean what is my problem?”“If you want to put it like that.”Harvey cleared his throat. “I’ve done this before. I have been having panic attacks every now and then for a couple of years.”“So you have experience with therapy already?”He nodded.She wrote something down in the book on her lap. “How was that experience for you?”He shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”“Is your old therapist no longer available or are you willing to change him for another reason?”“Another reason.”“Okay. Can you tell me what kind of therapy you have had in the past or if you are on any medication?”He shrugged again, breathing against the lump in his chest. “I had some tranquilizers, but they made me awfully tired. Antidepressants, for a while. And as for the therapy – we basically just talked about my past.”Porter made another note and looked at him. “How are you feeling right now?”“Okay, I guess.”She nodded. “I see. Mr. Specter, this is a protected space. I will never judge you. That is not what I am here for. I can see that you are in distress. And that is okay. So if you want to make yourself more comfortable or need a minute or if there is anything that you are not ready to talk about, just let me know, okay?”Harvey bit back a sarcastic reply and loosened his tie again. “Shortness of breath?”, she asked.He nodded. “Yes.”“That must be dreadful. Can you describe to me what else you experience while having a panic attack?”Harvey sighed. His eyes burned. “I…” He broke off.“It’s okay, we are not in a hurry. Have a sip of water if you like.”He did as he was told and took a second to sort his racing thoughts. “Nausea, most of the time. Shivering, sweating. My pulse usually races. If it gets really bad, I throw up.”She nodded, a sympathetic impression on her face. “I see. Have they always been this bad?”He shook his head. “No. They were manageable.”“What do you usually do to cope with them?”“I try to breathe and keep busy with something else.”“But it doesn’t always work?”He snorted. “Do I look like it does work at all?”“We will find a way for you to deal with this, I am sure.” She made another note in her book. “I know this is a difficult question, but can you pinpoint what might have triggered the panic attacks to become worse?”Harvey swallowed. His hands were visibly shaking by now. “Yes.” His jaw clenched.“You don’t look like you want to talk about it today so I’ll leave it be for now. Have you been under an unusual amount of stress lately?”He snorted. “I guess you could put it that way.”“Have you suffered any losses?”Harvey hesitated, feeling his heart grow heavy in his chest. “Nobody died, if that’s what you’re asking.”“But there have been changes in your life.”He simply nodded.“You said you spend some time talking about your past with your last therapist. Can you give me a hint as to what you’ve talked about?”Harvey sighed. “I come from a broken home, my mother always cheated on my dad and forced me to keep her secrets, forcing me to be torn between my parents and learning to lie from a very early age on.”“That must have been hard on you.”“So you people keep insisting.”She furrowed her brows. Her ponytail jumped up and down when she leaned her head to the side. “What do you mean by that?”“Therapists always just want me to talk about my mum and make me reconcile with her. But guess what? It doesn’t work. I can’t forgive her and even if I could, that wouldn’t fix me.”“So you think you need to be fixed?”He snorted, showing his shivering hands to her. “Isn’t that obvious?”She sighed, closed her notebook and placed it on the table. “That would imply that you are broken. But I think you just fell and need a hand to help you get up again. I understand that seems like a very tough thing to do and from what I can tell, it didn’t work out for you with your last therapist. I don’t know anything about your relationship with your mother but let me get one thing straight right from the beginning: I will never ever force you to reconcile with somebody. My job is to help you. Not somebody else but you. And we will find out together what you need to feel good in your own skin. If that means that you don’t want to forgive something, that can be okay, if the cost of keeping somebody out of your life is not too high on you. We will see about that. But you are the one making the calls. I am simply like a lawyer fighting for your feelings to be accepted, okay? I’m not going to lie - we will have to poke around in your past to see what fuels your anxiety. But that is not where we will stop working. I am a behavioral therapist. Do you know what that means?”Harvey shook his head. Katherine Porter got up from her seat and walked towards a flipchart. She picked up a pen and drew a circle. “This is your brain. Pardon my bad drawing skills, but they will have to do.” She drew a few dots connected by lines within the circle. “It consists of neural connections. Those connections are build by behavioral patterns, which means that your life basically influences the physics of your brain. It saves everything you go through and learns from it. That can be good or bad. Say it makes you resilient, but it can also give you anxiety. In behavioral therapy, we work towards changing the patterns that don’t do you any good. If your brain was a computer, we would speak of debugging it. It is a lot of hard work and it needs commitment, but it can be done.”Harvey slowly nodded. “Okay. And how is that going to help me?”She sat back down again. “It’s going to help you deal with the triggers of your anxiety. We will develop the right coping mechanisms that suit your needs. How do you normally cope at the moment?”Harvey bit his lip. He actually didn’t want to talk about his drinking, but something about Porter made him open up without even intending to do so. “I usually drink.”She nodded.“Would you say that drinking has become a bit of a problem?”He nodded. “Yes.”“Okay. Then that is something we will need to talk about since drinking – and I am sure you are very well aware – is not the healthiest of coping mechanisms.” She checked her watch. “Well. That’s it for today, but before I hand you the questionnaire, I want to provide you with some first aid.”She leaned forward. “Whether you decide to work with me or not, you need to understand that you are capable to get through this and that there is help available. If you like to, we can start next week at the same time. But until then: When you feel anxiety coming, try not to fight it. I know this sounds incredibly counter-intuitive, but anxiety loves attention. The more you want it to go away, the worse it gets. Try to just let it be. Acknowledge it. Don’t invite it to sit on your lap but also don’t shove it away. Try not to judge it. Just breathe and feel what is going in. Listen to yourself. And always, always keep in mind that no matter how bad it gets, it will get better again. Even the worst panic attack ends, and you can never hit anything deeper than rock bottom. The only way is up. Tomorrow is a new day. A new possibility to feel better.”He looked at her, swallowing.She nodded. “I believe in you, okay? The hardest part was coming here. Everything from here on out will be way easier, I promise.”Harvey slowly nodded and accepted the stack of papers she handed over.“Okay so these are some papers on general information I need for your insurance and the questionnaire. Should you decide that you want to work with me, just give me a call until the end of the week and we’ll make an appointment. You don’t have to make the decision right know. Sleep on it. If we start working together, I need you to answer those questions for our next appointment. I need to get to know you a bit better and that questionnaire will help me with that. Should you feel like you need urgent help, please don’t hesitate to call me, or, in case you cannot reach me, a clinic that can take you in.”“I think I can manage until next week.”She smiled. “Alright. I just want you to know that if you don’t, there is an alternative available. One last question until I set you free for today: Is the drinking interfering with your day to day life at the moment?”Harvey thought for a second. “No. I haven’t had a drink in days. It’s under control.”“Okay. Your call. If you feel like you need additional support in that area, the AA has meetings available in every area and you can attend without registration anytime.”Harvey’s jaw clenched. “I won’t be needing that.”She nodded and stood up, offering him her hand. He shook it and she guided him to the exit.“I hope to see you next week, Mr. Specter.”He looked her in the eyes. “Thank you for your time.”She smiled. “Have a good day.”He left with a “You too”, before she shut the door behind him and he found himself back at the shabby hallway, alone. Lost in thought, he decided to take the stairs down.Ray shot him a bit of a look when he opened the door for him, but was too discreet to ask any questions. Clamming the papers in his hands, Harvey got inside the car. He felt a bit shaky, but better than he had expected. Porter had been very different than he would’ve imagined her. He had thought she would be talking about the root of his problems or medication or willing him into any sort of confessions. Maybe it was because she was a therapist and not a psychiatrist. Harvey didn’t know yet if he liked her. He also didn’t not like her. She felt kind of unnecessary to be judged. Maybe because she had promised not to judge him. He smiled to himself. Not being judged had something refreshing to it. Mike waved to Oliver who was just switching off the light at his office. Oliver waved back and Mike lowered his head again to stare at the documents in front of him. He was just about done with catching up with all the work that he had been delaying the last week but it had taken him far longer than expected. His mind kept wandering off to places it wasn’t supposed to go. Something in his chest ached as he thought about not going back to Harvey later. He knew he should look forward to a peaceful evening with his Fiancée, but somehow he didn’t. Mike’s mind kept asking questions. Would Harvey be okay? Would he be lonely? Did he need a friend to be there or did he really need to do this alone? Why had Harvey sent him away? Had Mike done something wrong? And then there were those other questions. How would it feel to let his hand glide through Harvey’s hair. To snuggle up inside his arms? To touch his face? To let his lips… Mike frowned and shook his head. These thoughts would never do him any good. Harvey was his best friend. That was it. Harvey belonged to Donna if Mike was ever asked. They were good together. And Harvey was straight. As was Mike. Apart from that one tiny exception in college, maybe. But back then he had been very drunk. And stoned. Just as stoned as that one time he very nearly leaned over to Harvey and kissed him while they were sitting in his appartement, both high as a kite and grinning like maniacs. But it hadn’t meant anything and Mike hadn’t kissed his then-boss. Thank god. Mike sighed. The letters in front of his eyes kept dancing and not making any sense. He rubbed his eyes. Tired. That was it. He needed some sleep. Mike reached for his mobile and checked the time. It was just past 8 pm. There had been no new texts ever since Rachel had asked him if he’d be home for dinner, to witch he had replied that he had some catching up to do and that she shouldn’t wait up for him. Mike hesitated a second. He should head home, grab a bite and go to sleep. But the chances he would sleep peacefully without checking in on Harvey ranged somewhere below zero. He sighed again and dialed. Harvey was woken from his nap by his buzzing phone and he nearly fell off the sofa. Catching himself just a second before colliding with the coffee table, he reached for the phone and picked up without checking who had been calling.“Hello?”“It’s me.”Harvey smirked. “You’re pretty clingy, you know that?”“You promised to call.”“I fell asleep watching television. Sorry.”“Without me?”Harvey chuckled and bit his lip. “Without you occupying half the space, the sofa is actually comfortable.”“Ouch.”“Shouldn’t you be having dinner with Rachel?”“I had some paperwork to finish and just wanted to check in with you.”“Thanks, mum. I’, good.”He heard Mike sigh. “Really?”“Really.”They fell silent until Mike cleared his throat.“Well I better get going then.”“Yeah. You better.”“Talk to you tomorrow?”Harvey rolled his eyes and chuckled a “Good night, Mike” before he hung up.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 15 – Something good comes with the bad. A song's never just sad*
Harvey sat up, switched the TV off and then ran a hand through his hair while putting his phone down on the coffee table. He checked the time on his watch. Half past 8. That meant he had slept for two full hours. He wiped his sleepy eyes and yawned. The nap had been somewhat refreshing, but now his neck hurt. He moved his head in circles and heard something creak, reminding him of the fact that he hadn’t been able to do some sports in weeks. He stretched a bit and realized that his ribs barely ached anymore. His foot was healed up too. His gaze wandered to the window. It was drizzling a bit, but rain had never held him back in the past. He got up and into his running gear. Rachel lifted her gaze from a stack of papers in front of her, when Mike entered the kitchen. Her face lit up with a smile and she walked over to him to greet him with a kiss on the lips. “I didn’t expect you before bedtime.” He squeezed past her to fill a glass with water from the tap and nodded, looking at the half-eaten box of sushi and an unfinished glass of red wine next to the paper stack. “I see.” He grabbed one of the sushi-pieces and stuffed it in his mouth, earning a playful jab against his upper arm from Rachel. “Hey, there are still some leftovers in the fridge. I had Thai yesterday.”He chuckled and opened the fridge to get said leftovers. “Ordering food two nights in a row. I guess that means you’re buried in work.”Rachel sighed. “Don’t tell him, but Harvey taking a break is taking a toll on all of us. Louis has to handle Harvey’s clients in addition to his own so lots of his work ends up on my desk.” She took a sip from her wine, while Mike put a plate of leftovers in the microwave. “Speaking of Harvey…I didn’t think you’d be coming home so soon.” Mike scratched the back of his head, his face still turned towards the microwave. His heart hammered in his chest and every fiber of him wanted to flee the room and be alone. Being around Rachel suddenly felt weird and the pushed-away guilt from this morning was back with a vengeance. A part of him wanted to be honest with Rachel but he knew this would only open a box of problems that should rather stay sealed forever. So he bit back the urge to confess to her that he had slept in his former Boss’s bed and cleared his throat before he turned around.“He said he needs to sort himself out on his own.”Rachel frowned. “That sounds like him, but it’s not good, is it? Did you not get through to him?”“I don’t know. I think I did. He was pretty upfront. And he promised he was getting professional help. I think he just doesn’t want to a burden to anyone. You know him.”Rachel frowned. “Did you talk?”Mike nodded.“Did he tell you what happened?”Mike frowned. “He isn’t in a great place right now. You know that.”“Yes but I mean did he tell you why?”“No. I think he isn’t ready to talk about it. So it’s good if he gets help.” Mike gulped down the glass of water still in his hands and put it in the sink.“Then why are you looking so miserable?”Mike’s face twitched and he bit back an angry reply. “Thank you. Just what I wanted to hear.”“Hey.” Rachel stood up again and walked over to where he was leaning against the kitchen counter. “You just still seem worried, that’s all.” She put her arms around his neck. He swallowed, suppressing the urge to turn away. “Of course I am worried. He is…” He trailed off.“Your best friend, I know. But he knows he can always call you. He will get better, I am sure.” Rachel let her hand wander over his upper arm in an attempt to comfort him. Her touch left goosebumps on his skin. Mike’s discomfort grew, but he forced a smile on his lips.He put his arms around her hips as he usually did. “You’re right. I just worry because I’d never seen him this…lost before.” Mike remembered Harvey’s heavy panic attack the night before and shuddered. Rachel rubbed her palms over his arms again. “I understand. If you think you need to see him again, I totally understand…”Mike shook his head. “No. He asked for space. I have to respect that.”The microwave beeped, and Mike used the opportunity to flee Rachel’s touch.He grabbed his plate and pointed towards the living room. “I’ll leave you to it. I have to get over some papers for tomorrow as well.” She nodded with a smile when he planted a kiss on her forehead before leaving the kitchen. He swallowed when he was finally out of her sight. He felt thrown back to the times when he had been living with a massive amount of lies on his shoulders. The weight was back. He sat down to eat, but his favorite Thai dish seemed to turn into ash in his mouth. He checked his phone. No messages. Mike sighed and got up to get some case files from his bag. He already knew them by heart, but he had to at least keep appearances up not to worry Rachel. The fresh air and raindrops on his skin finally cleared the sleepy fog in Harvey’s head and chased the fatigue in his body away. He jogged slower than usually since he wasn’t on top of his game yet, but it felt good just to get moving again. He enjoyed the hustle and bustle around him, being reminded for the ten-thousandths time why he would never want to live anywhere else than in New York ever again. A small smile appeared on his face when he watched some tourists gaze up to the skyscrapers surrounding central park in complete amazement. He missed that feeling of complete awe for something. His brain reminded him that there was something or better someone who actually triggered this feeling inside him but he shoved the thought away and focused on his breathing. Anxiety came nevertheless. He felt its icy fingers stretching after him, his brain seemingly tensing up like somebody had just build a roadblock around his neurons. His heart speed picked up and everything inside him wanted to run faster – just to try and see if he could outrun his feelings this time. But he stopped himself. He remembered the advice his new therapist had given him a few hours earlier and forced himself not to fight the anxiety. It felt illogical and scary and made him even more miserable at first. He had to stop running and breathe for a full minute, leaning against a nearby tree. Harvey closed his eyes and for once didn’t push his thoughts away. Allowed the self-doubt and longing and fear to flood his mind unrestricted. His heart clenched and his eyes felt a little wet behind his eyelids. He clenched his jaw. “Breathe” he murmured to himself when nausea started to build up in his stomach. He withstood the urge to fight all the conflicting feelings reigning over his body, focusing on one simple truth: They wouldn’t last forever. This moment wouldn’t last forever. As scary and uncomfortable as it was, it was going to get better again as it had gotten better again all those times before. He took another deep breath and suddenly, the focus of his thoughts shifted to something brighter. To the things he liked about life. Work. The thrill of a case. Winning. His friends. And yes – Mike. Even if he couldn’t have him the way he wanted to, he was still part of his life. As were Jessica, Donna and even Louis. He opened his eyes. The fear was still rolling in like tides after a storm, but it was bearable. He let it sit in the back of his mind. Threatening, but not conquering. Another huff, and he picked his jog back up. A feeling of victory build up in his chest, making his lips part into a grin. This was as close to a win as he had felt in a very long time.It was way past 9 p.m. when Harvey returned home from his run and immediately jumped under the shower, enjoying the water relaxing his muscles and feeling as much in the moment as he hadn’t felt in months. Something inside him seemed to have shifted – at least for now. He dried up quickly and – actually hungry for once – walked over to the fridge to prepare some dinner with the stuff Mike had bought for him this morning.Mike jolted when his phone vibrated on the sofa next to him. It was late and Rachel had already gone to bed. He was zapping through the TV channels, unable to even think about sleep. He felt more on edge than in the morning. Something was off. His home felt cold suddenly. Like something was out of place. Him. He was out of place. He seemed to no longer belong. Mike shook his head and checked his phone. His heartbeat quickened when he read the message.Harvey [10:25 p.m.} Thanks to your housewifing, I finally managed to cook something for once. Just so you know I actually eat.Attached was a photo of a full plate of rice and fried vegetables with what seemed to be a huge amount of olive oil with herbs.Mike smiled and quickly typed his answer.Mike [10:27 p.m.] Remind me to invite myself over for dinner anytime soon.The answer came barely a blink later.Harvey [10:27 p.m.] You’re always welcome around here, Rookie. Just in case it didn’t sound like you were this morning.Mike started typing a reply when his phone buzzed again.Harvey [10:28 p.m.] You just have the tendency to forget about your own needs which is why I had to send you home. Hope you and Rachel are good.Mike [10:30 p.m.] I wasn’t offended if that’s what you’re thinking.Harvey [10:30 p.m.] I didn’t. But I didn’t think I’d catch you awake. Intense case?Mike pondered over his reply for a minute. Yes, his current case was a difficult one, but that had nothing to do with his unwillingness to go to bed.Mike [10:30 p.m.] Kind of. I’m pulling an all-nighter to stay ahead of things.Harvey [10:30 p.m.] Sounds like you. Let me know if I can help. It’s not like I’m having a lot to do right now.Mike [10:31 p.m.] Isn’t the sense of you taking a break that you stay away from cases and stuff for a while?Harvey [10:31 p.m.] Wrong. I stay away from my cases and clients. Not anyone else’s. So spill the beans, what’s the problem?Mike [10:32] None I haven’t already planned to solveHarvey [10:33 p.m.] Good, then I’ll leave you to it.Mike bit his lip. Harvey seemed a little more open when texting than during their call a couple of hours ago.Mike [10:33 p.m.] Can I ask how your meeting with the shrink went?The messaging app claimed that Harvey was “typing” for nearly three minutes and Mike waited tensely until the answer lit up on his display.Harvey [10:37 p.m.] I knew you’d ask, you nag. But it was good. I think I’ll give her a shot. Happy now?”Mike smiled to himself.Mike [10:38 p.m.] Happy to hear that.Harvey [10:38 p.m.] You mean read.Mike [10:39 p.m.] What?Harvey [10:40 p.m.] We’re writing, not talking. So you didn’t hear it. You read it.Mike [10:41 p.m.] *eyeroll emoji*Mike waited for a reply but none came, so he typed again.Mike [10:43 p.m.] Thanks for the update though. I appreciate it.”Harvey [10:43 p.m.] You made it pretty clear that you’re going to haunt me if I don’t check in often enough, so…*shrug emoji*Mike [10:44 p.m.] That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you use an emoji.Harvey [10:44 p.m.] That’s because I hate texting.Mike [10:45 p.m.] You could have called instead.Harvey [10:46 p.m.] As opposed to you, I have manners. It is way too late for a social call.Mike [10:47 p.m.] Why are you still up anyway?Harvey [10:48 p.m.] Had a nap before you called this evening. Am not tired.Mike smiled about the mental picture of Harvey spread on his sofa, peacefully sleeping. It reminded him of his face in the early sunlight this morning. He swallowed. Those thoughts had to stop. Mike forced himself to put the phone down and look back at the television. It was showing a rerun of last night’s survivor episode. He silently cursed. His phone buzzed again.Harvey [10:55 p.m.] Go get some sleep now, night owl. I’m sure you’ll nail your case anyway and I know for a fact you didn’t sleep a lot last night.Mike [10:56 p.m.] I got plenty.He had thought about adding a “Your bed is softer than mine” but had stopped himself last minute. His phone vibrated again and he sighed.Harvey [10:57 p.m.] Is it okay if I address the elephant in the room?Mike swallowed and felt himself break into a sweat.Mike [10:58 p.m.] What elephant?Harvey [11:01 p.m.] I don’t want things to get awkward between us after yesterday night. We’re good, right?Mike [11:03 p.m.] Why would things be awkward? Can’t a man sleep next to his former boss without prejudice anymore?Harvey [11:03 p.m.] Of course he can, if you ask me.Mike’s heart stuttered in his chest. Was Harvey flirting with him?Mike [11:04 p.m.] Are you drunk?Harvey [11:05 p.m.] For a fact, I am not. I am actually having a cup of tea. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t interpret you helping me as anything it wasn’t.Mike’s heart dropped. So no flirting. He wanted to slap himself for his disappointment.Mike [11:06 p.m.] Of course not. I didn’t expect you to.Harvey [11:07 p.m.] Good. Hey, I have been thinking. Why don’t you and Rachel come over on Friday for dinner instead of me coming over to your place? You’ve done enough for me these last weeks. I’d like to return the favor to you. And to Rachel, for lending me her fiancé so generously.Mike swallowed again. Shit. What if they went and it was going to be awkward between Harvey and him? What if Harvey brought up their sleeping arrangement? Even jokingly? He wouldn’t, right? Mike was sure it was nothing that Harvey would be too fond to speak about.Mike [11:08 p.m.] Yeah, why not. Put your cooking skills to good use for once. Rachel will be thrilled. I’ll let her know tomorrow.Harvey [11:09 p.m.] Perfect. Friday at 8 suits you?Mike [11:10 p.m.] Sure.Mike waited for a reply, but none came. He forced himself not to write again, turned the TV off and went to bed. He didn’t sleep that night. Harvey frowned, asking himself why he had started this conversation in the first place. This new positive optimism inside him had made him want to make sure Mike didn’t worry about him. But why had he brought up last night? He knew the answer was to check how Mike would react to it. Harvey sighed. “Stop being an idiot, Specter” he murmured to himself and emptied his teacup. To take his mind off Mike and the possibly very awkward upcoming dinner on Friday, he got the questionnaire the therapist had given him from his bag and started filling it out. It was 10 a.m. when the doorbell rang. Harvey was enjoying a big bowl of cereal after a surprisingly long night of good sleep and frowned when he answered the door.“Morning Harvey, it’s me!” He recognizes the voice and buzzed her in.Donna looked as beautiful as ever, her long hair slightly damp with rain but still perfect. She handed him her coat upon entering and smiled.“You’re starting to look like an actual person again.”He put her coat on the rack and closed the door behind her. “Good morning to you too.”Meanwhile, Donna had already sat down in one of the armchairs and looked at him, her legs crossed. “You seem better, am I right?”Harvey nodded, taking the seat opposite of her. “What brings you here?”Donna shrugged. “Just checking in to see how my Boss slash friend is doing. And apologizing for not seeing sooner how bad he actually was.”He sighed. “Donna…”Donna lifted her hands. “Let me stop you right there. You had me worried, Harvey. Really, really worried. But I felt like I couldn’t get through to you so I stopped trying. And that wasn’t okay. You’re my friend and I just accepted you pushing me away. For that, I am sorry.”“There’s nothing to be sorry for.”Donna smirked, but her face seemed sad. “Don’t be mad at Louis but he told me that you’re seeing a new therapist recommended by Lipschitz. I made him tell me so please don’t kill him.”Harvey rolled his eyes but remained silent.“And it got me thinking. The last time you didn’t feel good, it was my fault. I left you. And this time, I feel like I screwed up again.”“Donna, stop. None of this was your fault. These are my problems. Not yours. You did nothing wrong.”Donna blinked and Harvey noticed that her eyes were glistening. “No? So it wasn’t wrong telling you that we weren’t your family even though I know that’s not true? It wasn’t wrong to push you to see that…woman that never did you any good because of course I was arrogant enough to think I always know best? That wasn’t wrong?”Harvey sighed. “You know I am a grown man making his own decisions, right?”Donna chuckled. “As if I ever left you any choice.”Harvey met her eyes and smirked. “Donna, really. I know you meant well. And what you did is not the reason I…snapped. I had been feeling off for months. This really was only a question of time.”“But you’re better?”Harvey sighed. “I am on my way of getting there. I am getting help. And I think it’s proper help this time around. I’ll be back to boss you around sooner than you know.”Donna looked at her Hands. “That’s not why I’m asking, Harvey. There is something I have been willing to tell you for a good, long while but I never thought it was my place to say it. But now that you’re dealing with…things…I think there is something else that you need to deal with. Because if you don’t…I just don’t want you to spiral again when you find out it’s too late.”He frowned. “Could you please stop speaking in very dramatic tongues?”She sighed. “Listen, Harvey, I know that you don’t want to hear what I need to tell you and I’m fully prepared for you getting angry and dismissive, but it will still be the truth.” She paused and Harvey raised his brows, when she stared at him with the determination that he knew so well.“Harvey I think it’s time you addressed your feelings for Mike.”Harveys mouth fell open. For a second, he was speechless, before he could manage to utter a shaking “my what?!”Donna smiled. “Don’t play foolish with me, Harvey. You know I know you. And you know that I have known for years without saying anything. I would have continued to keep my mouth shut had I not seen the effect he has on you lately. When you were unresponsive to any of us, you listened to him. Like he was a liferaft in a storm. I know you’re going to deny it, but you love him. Not in a brotherly or friendly way. And I know you’ve fought those feelings for god knows what reason since day one. But you’re still losing the fight. I’m telling you now, despite Rachel being my best friend, that you have to act on those feelings, Harvey, or they are going to destroy you one day.”Harvey starred at Donna, a frown plastered on his forehead, his jaw clenched and his hands wet. His heart hammered in his chest and panic was forming in the back of his head, slowly climbing down his spine. He could feel the cereal in his stomach rumble. Harvey forced himself not to fight the panic. Forced himself not to throw Donna out of the appartement or make a joke. Because he knew she was right. She was always right. But he still was a bit shocked when he heard himself reply: “As much as I appreciate your advice, I can’t and never will tell him. There is no reason for him to know.”She raised her brows, apparently as surprised as himself about him not denying the simple fact that he was in love with his former associate. “The thing is, Harvey, that there is a reason for him to know. I had my fair share of missed opportunities. You and I both know that for some people, there is only a brief window of opportunity and when they miss it, their chances are gone for good.”Their eyes met and Harvey’s heart clenched at the look in Donna’s eyes. Donna continued.“Because somewhere along the way, they meet someone new. Someone they fall for so completely, that they forget about that other person. And for a long, long time I though that was what had happened with Mike and Rachel. But now…”Harvey frowned. “Now what?”She sighed. “Listen, I love Rachel. And I am sure that Mike does, too. But I also am sure that he has always loved you. He went to prison for you, for god’s sake. But I was always convinced that he didn’t really know what way he felt about you. Until recently.”Harvey laughed. “You’ve got to be out of your mind.”“So you’re telling me you haven’t noticed any changes in the way he behaves around you?”Harvey clenched his jaw and swallowed. Donna smiled. “I think that’s answer enough for me.”He snorted. “Even if that was the case - which it isn’t. What am I supposed to do? Ruin his life with Rachel? He is finally happy. Why would I even think about ruining that?”Donna sighed. “These are just my five cents, but I believe the two of you belong together and you both know it. You’re just too much of a coward to see that. So I thought I tell you so you can tell your therapist and she can show you that I am right and you are wrong.”“What?” He laughed again. It didn’t sound like himself but high-pitched and panicky. “What kind of a stupid plan is this? Are you crazy?”She smiled and picked up her handbag that she had left on the floor while standing up.“No, Harvey. I am Donna.” *Chapter title taken from "My silver lining" by First Aid Kit
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 16 – Heaven help me. My mind changes like the wind.*
Harvey stared at her while Donna was making her way to the door. He opened his mouth a couple of times before he finally managed to voice a “don’t be ridiculous”. She stopped in her tracks and turned around to face him, her hand on the doorknob. “Oh Harvey.” Her expression changed and she looked genuinely sad. “Do yourself the favor and stop lying to the both of you before he gets married. You would never forgive yourself if you didn’t.”Donna was out of the door before Harvey could muster an answer and so he just sat there, staring into the air. She had to be wrong. He was sure, Donna’s instincts were deceiving her for once. They had to. There was nothing but close friendship between him and Mike. There couldn’t be. Yes, Mike had gone to prison for him and Harvey would never live through a day without regretting to keep him from doing so, but that had been an act of friendship, not love. At least not love of the romantic kind. Harvey sighed and felt the urge for a drink rising inside himself. He put his face in his hands and tried to think of something else, but his brain kept him stuck on the subject. While his brain was trying to reason, to find proof that Donna’s assumptions were incorrect, his heart was pounding in his chest with a hope he didn’t want to feel. What was even the point in denying it before himself? Who was he trying to delude here? He wanted Donna to be right. He wanted Mike to love him. Because he did love Mike, that much was true. No matter how hard he fought them, his feelings for the other man only grew stronger the longer their friendship lasted. But he’d always thought that he had kept them in check enough to never let anybody else notice them. He shuddered. What if Rachel had noticed? But that was unlikely. It was only Donna, for sure. She knew him too well. And knew from her own experience what he was like when he really cared. Harvey got up and started pacing. What about Mike? Did he know? Was that why he was so caring lately? Was it pity, maybe? Or did Donna have a point and he…no. No, that couldn’t be. Mike was a straight guy in a straight relationship. But he had been different the last weeks. More…close. Harvey swallowed as he remembered the hand-holding, the cuddles, the sleeping in one bed. He rubbed his palm over his eyes. Why had he ever allowed any of this to happen? What if Mike told Rachel and that destroyed their relationship? Was Harvey any better than his own mother then? Something in his chest clenched and he had to lean against the window as he felt the panic-waves rolling in. Was he a homewrecker? Was that what Donna wanted him to be? Because telling Mike what he felt – no matter if reciprocated or not – qualified him as someone trying to come between two people who loved each other. He let himself glide down to the floor, cursing himself for throwing out all the liquor. All he wanted right now was a bottle of scotch to numb all the thoughts and feelings and all of that other clutter poling up in his mind. A shivering Hand raked through his hair and he forced himself to remind himself that this feeling was temporary. It was going to be okay again. Then he though of something Donna had said, got up and grabbed his phone.Katherine Porter had been surprised to hear from him so soon and yes, it should actually be her free morning today but yes, she could make time for an emergency session and so Harvey found himself sitting in front of his new therapist only an hour later.After getting him a cup of tea and a blanket – Harvey was soaked because it was raining and he had walked to her practice – she accepted the questionnaire he handed her and crossed her legs, sitting down on her armchair. She put the pages with his answers and notes on the small table next to her and leaned forward. “Listen, I see you are in distress. So we can go on with the questionnaire in our next regular session. Tell me what’s bothering you.”Harvey wiped a strand of wet hair from his forehead and sighed, leaning on his elbows. “I don’t know where to start.”She smiled at him, sipping on her tea. “Try the beginning. When did you start feeling the way you do right now?”He shook his head. “That’s not the point. I know the reason for my panic attack…I just…”She raised her brows. “Go on, this a protected space.”He sighed, chewing on his bottom lip. Walking here had helped a bit to keep his adrenalin in check, but now that he sat in this chair, dripping and shivering, the waves of panic seemed to try and drown him again. “Do you mind if I…?” He stood up with the blanket sliding from his shoulders and started pacing around. She shook her head. “No, if that helps, go on.”“Thanks.” He took a couple of deep breaths, running back and forth, trying to decide how to explain his problem to Porter. She watched him a few seconds, before she got up too, walking over to him, joining him in his walking around. “Pretend I am a friend. We’re having a walk. You need to vent, I’m here to listen. No judgement.”He looked at her with a chuckle but joined her in circling the room a little slower and after a couple of minutes felt himself calm down a little. He sighed. “It’s…if I wanted to start at the beginning, we would need more than a couple of hours. I explained it in the…” He gestured towards the papers on her desk and she nodded. “Just what you need to get off your chest then.”“Ok.” Harvey shook his head. “Can’t believe I’m doing this, but…” He swallowed. “To cut a long story short, I’ve had a crush on a friend for a very long time. And I really thought it was just a crush and I kept it in check.” He looked at her. “I mean I really tried. But it…grew. I think it’s more than just a crush by now.”She frowned. “Why is this a bad thing?”“I…he…it’s complicated”“Is it because he is a man?”Harvey snorted. “No. I’m not in a sexuality-crisis. No. It’s…He is my best friend. Used to be my employee. And he is…” Harvey chuckled, but it sounded sad. “Very straight. Very engaged. To a woman I have the highest of regards for.”“Hmh.” She nodded. “I understand. That must be difficult for you.”Harvey shrugged. “It’s okay. Or used to be. Until lately.”“Why is that?”Harvey stopped pacing and pouted. “It’s going to sound stupid.” She gestured to his chair and watched him sit down, before she did, too. “No judgement, remember?”He sighed again, picking up the blanket from the floor and pulling it over his legs. “Our relationship has changed. He has been there for me when I was at my worst and…” He broke off, fumbling at the blanket’s edges. “It feels different, between us. Closer.”“Did something happen between you?”“No. I mean, not really. I don’t know. He held my hand through some nasty panic attacks and we cuddled on the sofa. Once. He also did sleep next to me but that was it.”She smiled. “Just for the record, it is fine to share affection with friends. Women do cuddle a lot in friendships. If you ask me, men should, too. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”He smirked. “You have a point. But it’s not the kind of friendship we have. I…usually am a little more…”“Closed off?”“Yeah.”“And he knows that?”Harvey nodded. “He does. And he seems…I don’t know. I thought I was just imagining things. And I was going to forget about it. For his sake and mine. But then a common friend visited me this morning and said she knew about my crush and she was sure that he ‘loves’ me and ushered me to tell him about my feelings before it is too late and he marries Rachel.”“I see.” She nodded. “It’s very understandable that this gave you a panic attack. You’re scared to risk your friendship.”Harvey shook his head. “It’s more than that?”She crooked her head. “How so?”He sighed, raking his hands through his hair. “The irony. I said I didn’t want to spend therapy talking about my past again and yet here we are.”She took a sip from her tea. “You don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want to share with me or that you don’t want to share just yet.”“No. I want to. It’s just…exhausting, how everything always leads back to the fact that my mother forced me to hide her infidelity when I was a child, and when my dad found out, it broke his heart.”Katherine Porter nodded. “Infidelity is a very sensitive subject for you then?”He nodded. “I hate infidelity.”“So you’re not unwilling to talk to your friend about your feelings because you fear they won’t be reciprocated, but because you fear that he could actually feel the same, even though he is engaged.”“I didn’t say that.”She smirked. “Harvey, this is not a decision a therapist can make for you, but there is some advice that I can give you. As much as I know this is not what you want to hear: There is no point in running from your feelings. You can try to ‘keep your crush in check’ as much as you like – you cannot control what you feel for your friend and that’s okay. It is your own free decision if you want to address these feelings or not. But what’s not your decision is how he reacts to them.” She leaned forward a bit. “See, Mr. Specter, in therapy you can learn to take care of yourself and your feelings and your actions. But there is one very important thing I teach all my patients first. It’s that other people’s feelings and actions and relationships are not your responsibility. As long as you don’t harm anyone on purpose or try to manipulate people, their free will is not your business. No matter your morals, if that friend of yours does like you, he does it with or without you saying anything. And you not acting o your feelings doesn’t mean he never will.”Harvey snorted. “So you’re saying I should stay away from him, just in case?”She frowned. “No. You obviously have a strong bond and there is no reason for destroying that as long as both of you feel good about it.” She paused. “Imagine you don’t say anything. He marries that woman and in couple of years, they divorce – for whatever reason. Imagine you still feel the same for him and let’s say you’re now both single in this scenario. Would you tell him?”Harvey hesitated, staring at his hands in his lap. “I guess I maybe would.”She nodded. “Harvey, your morals are your morals and I will not impose my values on you. I will not tell you what I would do, if I were in your shoes. But I will tell you that your mother’s infidelity had nothing to do with you. And that having feelings for someone else might be a reason to end another relationship, but people can do that without cheating. They can make a grown-up decision to leave one person and be with another. Or they can decide to stay with said person and just stay friends with the other. People make decisions based on their values and their feelings and their past. It’s not for us to decide for them.”He swallowed. “I see.”“But that doesn’t make you feel any better, does it?”“No.”She nodded. “I understand. See Mr. Specter, I don’t know you well enough yet to fully understand what causes your panic attacks and your feelings of despair. But from what I know up to now I think part of the reason lays in the fact that you try to shove feelings away. No matter what kind. You’re scared of them. And that’s why the panic has that much power over you. Because you can’t control it. If you can, try to stop trying to control every feeling you have. If you want to be honest with your friend, allow yourself to. If you think you can’t do it, allow yourself not to do it. But don’t judge yourself, no matter the decision you make. There is no perfect way to live your life and I feel like learning that is something we might have to work on together in the future.”Harvey smirked with a nod. “You are good.”She smiled. “Well thank you. But do you feel like this does help you at all?”He shrugged. “The panic attacks are less shitty if I just allow them to pass instead of fighting them so maybe you are right about that other stuff too.”She nodded. “When will you see your friend again?”“This Friday.”“Alone?”“With his fiancé. We’re having dinner together.”“Ouch. You’re sure you can handle that?”He nodded. “Yeah.”“You know you don’t have to.”“I want to. They are my friends.”“And it is safe territory for you as long as you’re not alone with him I guess?”Harvey smirked. “Sort of.”“Okay.” She nodded. “When it gets difficult, try to remember that you don’t have to be perfect to be a good friend, okay? And next week, we’ll speak about how it went and how it made you feel. Do you think you can manage until then?”He took a deep breath, waiting for anxiety to rise, but he felt calm now. He nodded. “Yeah. I think I can.”She smiled. “Great. Apart from all this – how did you feel after our first talk yesterday?”Harvey thought for a second. “A bit better. I needed that reminder that my panic isn’t dangerous. It's a bit less scary. And I went for a run. That helped.”“Nice.” She took a sip from her tea and crossed her legs. “A lot of my patients do feel like physical exercise helps them. Try to find things that help you calm your mind.” She put her mug down on the little table next to her armchair. “What do you like to do in your spare time? Apart from sports, I mean.”He pouted. It wasn’t like he’d had a ton of free time on his hands usually. But there were things he liked to do and that he knew always took his mind off work and drama and his own misery.“I like movies. Cooking. Reading, sometimes. When I can focus.”Porter nodded. “Cooking is a classic. Doing something with your hands is an amazing way to give your mind something to focus on. More ‘passive’ activities like watching a movie or reading can be relaxing too but as you’ve already pointed out, need a bit more focus.” She put a lose strand of hair back behind her ear. “So, why don’t you, as a little homework until our next session, try and cook something for yourself every day – if you can manage, of course. And maybe watch something you like afterwards or go for a run? Establish some routines? That might help you not to focus too much on your anxiety.”He nodded. “Sounds manageable.”She let him off with an appointment for the next Monday and when Harvey stood back on the street, he felt cold – it was still pouring, and he had barely dried off – but way calmer than before. Taking a cab home, he reflected on what Porter had said. It was somewhat true that it wasn’t his decision what Mike did or did not feel towards him. But still – if he ever told Mike how much more than just a friend he liked him, it would change things. It could either strain their friendship and make things awkward or it could really destroy his relationship with Rachel. Whether Harvey liked it or not, whatever he did would also have consequences for Mike’s life. He sighed and rubbed his hand over his eyes. This wasn’t a problem to solve now or during dinner with the happy couple. He checked his watch. It was past midday already. Maybe he should start working on his homework today.Before getting back to the condo, Harvey picked up some groceries at his local store and walked back through the rain, still freezing. After storing the groceries, he turned to his bedroom and checked himself in the mirror. He was soaked, even his hair was dripping. He shook his head and walked to the bathroom to get rid of his wet clothes and rub himself dry before putting on some sweatpants and a knitted sweater Marcus had once given him for Christmas. A pang of guilt went through him. He should call Marcus, smooth things over with him. But he didn’t feel ready to deal with him yet. Harvey knew that in Marcus’ eyes, Harvey’s old feud with their mother was stupid and disturbed the family peace. He couldn’t take any of these accusations now, couldn’t deal with the guilt he felt even thinking about Marcus keeping him being ill hidden from Harvey. He shook his head, wrapped a towel around his head, put on some woolen socks and walked to the kitchen to get busy.The following days, Harvey established a new routine. He got up early, went for a long run and did his shopping before he took care of the mountains of laundry that had piled up during the last weeks before having a nice, hot shower. Afterwards, he’d make himself breakfast, read the newspaper and phone Louis to check if everything was okay with his clients and the firm in general. He did avoid talking to Donna though since it felt like too much of dangerous territory right now and she was kind enough to leave him alone – for now. Around midday, Harvey usually got bored and since he had identified boredom as dangerous, he then hit his lengthy Netflix Watchlist. He usually managed one or two movies before he got hungry and started cooking something nice and complicated. He tried out new recipes that kept him busy at least one hour if not longer and enjoyed his meals listening to Miles Davis and looking out the window. Eating was getting easier again - as long as he wasn’t panicking. During the day, he managed to keep his panic at bay with this new routine. It did spark up every now and then, but it was bearable. It was only when darkness fell that he found it hard to escape the anxious fog building in his brain. But every evening around the time he started feeling restless and disconnected from himself, his phone rang and made his heart jump in his chest.Mike had started making a habit of calling him every evening after work. Their calls usually lasted only a couple of minutes with them briefly asking each other about their day. But they still felt like the highlight of Harvey’s days. So he smiled when he answered Mike’s call on Thursday evening.“Hi there”, Mike’s voice greeted him and Harvey felt his heartrate pick up without permission.“Evening. Had a rough day? You sound tired.”He heard Mike sigh and imagined him loosening his tie and leaning back on his sofa. He swallowed. “Kind of, yes. I – we fucked up today.”“Lost a case?” Harvey asked.“Yeah.” Mike sighed again. “Not enough hard evidence for the judge to rule in favor of our client and now she lost her health insurance because she made a simple mistake with the paperwork when applying. It’s…let’s just not get into it.”“Shit.”Mike chuckled. “Yeah. How did your day go?”“Oh, amazing. I’m slowly boring myself to death. But I’m not going to let you off the hook that easily. Who was the judge?”The other man groaned. “Does that matter?”“You know it does.”“Richard Benson.”Harvey hissed. “I see. Not your fault, kiddo. That man is…”“Ruthless, I know. He tends to rule in favor of big companies, I know that. But I thought we had this in the bag.”“You can’t always win.”Mike chuckled. “Easy for you to say. You never lose.”“You know that is not true. I lost plenty of cases. Every lawyer does.”“But why does it have to be the ones that…” He broke off. “Never mind. Let’s just change the subject.”Harvey bit his lip but decided to do Mike the favor. “Louis thought I was Sheila when I called today and made a disturbing lion-noise answering.”Mike laughed. “Oh god. Please tell me it didn’t get worse from there.”“Let’s just say I can’t really get the mental picture of Louis wrestling naked with a hyena out of my head for good.”“He didn’t notice it was you?”“Not until I broke into laughter.”“Ouch.”“He hung up on me and Gretchen never put me through again, saying he is “busy”.”“Fighting Hyenas, probably.”“Oh god.”They both broke into laughter.“Hey, are we still on for tomorrow?”, Harvey asked, hating how his voice gave away that he was nervous. “Of course. 8 pm, your place. We’ll be there.”“You better are. I’m planning on cooking something that needs to be served on time.”“I’m intrigued.” He heard Mike yawn.“You sound like you should get some sleep.”“I need to shower first.”“Well then I won’t keep you any longer.”“I can’t get off the sofa. It’s too comfy.”Harvey chuckled. “Let Rachel peel you from it.”“She can’t. Still at work.” Mike yawned again and Harvey laughed.“You’ve got to start getting more sleep, Rookie.”“Yeah. It’s just that I can’t.”Harvey swallowed, frowning. “Insomnia?”He heard Mike clear his throat. “Sort of.”They fell silent for a moment, until Mike yawned again.“Okay, got to go now take that shower. I’ll see you tomorrow.”“Goodnight, Mike.”The nights were the worst.Mike could do whatever he wanted – keep busy all day long, have a long shower, do some sports before bedtime, read, watch a movie – as soon as he lay in bed all he could think of was Harvey. With Rachel sleeping soundly by his side, he tossed and turned in his sheets every night. Worrying if the other man was alright. But mostly just playing the memory of them cuddling on the sofa, holding hands, laughing together, sleeping in the same bed over and over and over and over again in his head. He couldn’t stop the tingling in his stomach from growing with every second he thought back to that night and all those other memories of their time working together. Eating had become difficult and he couldn’t stand being around Rachel. He felt like he had cheated on her, which he thought was stupid since nothing had happened, but he still couldn’t stop himself from having a bad conscience. It had to be wrong to always think of somebody else while he spent time with her. She seemed unsuspecting, probably blaming it on Mike worrying about his friend and getting settled in his new job. But it was only a matter of time until she would address him evading her every touch, not listening properly when she talked to him and not looking her in the eyes when she asked if he was okay. And Mike didn’t know what he’d do then. He consisted of confusion these days. Once the questions had crept into his conscience the trouble only grew. Once he had started to ask himself why he felt strangely drawn to Harvey, why he had been the one he had always thought of lying awake in prison, why he had always felt weirdly different around Harvey, why he worried so much about him, why he had even gone to prison for him instead of marrying Rachel – he couldn’t stop. Deep down he knew there was an easy explanation for all this. For him always being so eager to spend time with Harvey, to sacrifice for him, to miss him so much when he wasn’t around. But it was a complicated, confusing answer and he was scared of it. Mike wasn’t one for prejudice, but he had always considered himself a straight man. Yes, there had been experiments in his younger years but they hadn’t exceeded stoned kisses and a bit of fumbling. He had never passed more than second base with any male. So he was straight, wasn’t he? Bi-curious, maybe. But nothing more. Or was he? And was Harvey? And from there he usually spiraled back to those dangerous memories – Harvey always protecting him, looking fondly in his direction, being vulnerable with Mike the way he wasn’t with anyone else – and the questions stirred in another direction. Did Harvey like him? That usually let the tingling is his stomach grow so much Mike had to get up and get a glass of water. It was the same that Thursday night when he caught himself sipping some icecold water while staring out of the window, feeling a longing somewhere in his chest that nearly ached. He sat on the edge of the sofa, his hands wrapped around the glass and listened to the pounding of his own heart. He put the glass down on the coffee table and raked his hands through his hair, landing on his forehead and burying his face in his hands as it finally dawned on him, undeniably. He liked Harvey way more than a friend.“Fuck”, he whispered to himself. *Chapter Title taken from the Lyrics of "Waking up Slow" by Gabrielle Aplin
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 17 - Feels like as far as you and me, I've never had a choice*
Harvey didn’t sleep that night either. He kept tossing and turning, breathing through one panic attack after the other, fearing the upcoming dinner and looking forward to it at the same time. He was scared that it could be awkward, that Rachel could pick up there was something going on between them (was there? He still had no idea). He was scared of the pain he’d feel seeing the happy couple together, of the envy he’d have to hide. But he also longed to see Mike, to hear him laugh and see him smile and for that weird little fluttering in his stomach when he was around. It was pathetic, he thought, how much one could feel like a lovesick teenager as a full-grown man. Meanwhile in the back of his head the old worries of his family trouble and the firm and him being a failure rotated round and round and round and mixed with his scared anticipation of the coming day into a tornado of confusing emotions until at 5 in the morning, he had enough. Harvey threw his blanket to the side, switched on the light, got into his running gear and went to burn some adrenaline off.
By Friday afternoon, Mike was buried in new case files and way too busy to even think about the soap opera his life seemed to be becoming. Oliver was eager to make up for their one lost case. He was obviously feeling down and responsible for the loss of their client. It reminded Mike of the way he used to feel whenever he lost a case when he first got started and so he did what Harvey had once done for him: He went for lunch with Oliver and told him that they had to learn from their mistake. They made a plan of how to avoid ending up with any of their new cases in front of that hardass of a judge and by afternoon, Oliver’s head was back in the game. Mike spent the rest of the workday thinking about a strategy to get the colleagues of their new client, a woman in her thirties, to testify on the sexual harassment she had gone through before getting fired for “always being late”. He tried to call some of them to make an appointment but none of them were available before Monday, so at 6 pm sharp, he called it a day and was pulled back into the confusing fog that lived in his brain.
“Rachel?”, he called into the empty flat twenty minutes later but got no answer. Apparently she wasn’t home yet. Maybe she was doing some overtime again and they’d meet up at Harvey’s. He was thankful for having some alone-time before their dinner together. The bikeride home had helped a bit to clear his head, but he could feel nervosity building up again in his stomach already. He got out of his work clothes and went for a hot shower, trying to keep all the weird excitement about seeing Harvey in check. He felt like a complete idiot. They used to spend every day together so what was the difference now? They’d just have dinner among friends. He was going there with his fiancé, for fuck’s sake. He rubbed shampoo into his hair and silently cursed. When did everything get so tangled-up and complicated? Why did it feel so impossible to suppress his feeling all over sudden? It had been possible for years. He had to get himself together. For now. And maybe one day he could talk it over with Harvey. Clear the air. Tell him that he was sorry but maybe there was something between them but he’d do his best to not let it get to destroy their friendship. Maybe Harvey would understand. He sighed and turned the water off. Maybe he should just keep hiding it forever but it seemed entirely impossible. And dishonest. And he didn’t want any more lies between them. He pulled his towel from the hook on the door, buried his face and screamed before starting to dry his hair. Harvey checked the clock on the wall. Ten to 8 pm. Looking into the oven, he saw the lamb was nearly cooked to perfection. He walked to the bathroom and checked his look in the mirror for the seemingly billionths time. This was ridiculous. Mike and Rachel wouldn’t care what his hair looked like. It had taken him an hour to pick which pullover he was going to wear before finally deciding for the dark blue one he thought suited him best along with a rarely worn pair of fitted dark Jeans. Anything more formal seemed over the top for a dinner among friends. Damn it, he was behaving like this was a date, he thought, shaking his head. He should feel ashamed feeling that way when Mike was actually bringing his fiancé to dinner but for once, he didn’t. He couldn’t. There were too many useless butterflies in his stomach and after his run this morning he had actually sat down and thought about the things his therapist had told him. Tonight was safe territory. And what Mike felt wasn’t under his influence. Whether he decided to tell Mike about his feelings one day or not – it wouldn’t really make a difference for Mike’s relationship with Rachel. He heard the doorbell and took a deep breath before muttering a “pull yourself together, Specter” under his breath. Mike had tried to call Rachel before getting to the condo, but she hadn’t picked up. So he’d just gone there by himself, half expecting her to already be there yet. But when Harvey answered the door and let him in, there was no sight of Rachel.
“Hey”, he uttered, looking around in confusion. “Rachel not here yet?”
Harvey shook his head, reaching to take his coat that Mike handed over without resistance.
“Thought you’d come together.”
That moment, Harvey’s phone started buzzing in his pants. He hung Mike’s coat with a frown and picked up. It was Rachel.
“Harvey, I’m terribly sorry, but I need to cancel for tonight. Something came up at the firm and I’m going to have to pull an all-nighter. I am so so so sorry for the late notice. I thought I could make it but one of the associates…you know how it is sometimes…”
Harvey felt a knot forming in his stomach but sounded charming as ever answering.
“No worries, Rachel. We’ll do this some other time. Everything alright? Do you need help with a case?”
“Please don’t worry, Harvey. It’s all under control. Just a case and its usual obstacles. You boys have a nice evening, talk about sports and throw movie quotes at each other. I’ll make it up to you with a dinner at our place anytime soon.”
“Sure. Just a shame you’ll miss the lamb.”
“Ouch, mean. Please tell Mike not to stay up for me tonight. I’ll stay on the couch in the office if I can squeeze some sleep in.”
“Alright, I’ll let him know.”
“Thanks.”
With that, she ended the call and Harvey swallowed.
Mike looked at him with raised brows. “She’s not coming.”
“No. And she told me to tell you not to stay up for her tonight. She’s pulling an all-nighter.”
Mike swallowed. “Oh. Okay.”
Harvey shot him a look and walked back to the kitchenette. “Trouble in paradise?”
Mike couldn’t hold back a chuckle and tried to turn it into a cough. He decided to just change the subject. “So. What’s for dinner?”
Harvey looked at him with raised brows but pointed to the oven. “Rack of lamb with roasted potatoes and pesto.”
“Sounds awesome.”
Harvey snorted. “This is a waste on you. Rachel is a foodie but had I known it was only going to be you, I’d ordered half the menu of that Chinese restaurant down the road and worn my sweatpants.”
Mike laughed and walked over to the kitchen counter, leaning against it. “I wouldn’t have minded a repeat of movie night, but the lamb does smell good.”
Harvey smiled. “It’s not good. It’s perfect.”
He got the lamb and potatoes out of the oven and gestured towards the dining area. “Sit.”
Mike did as he was told, noticing the open wine bottle on the table with a frown. A minute later, Harvey set a plate down in front of him and sat down opposite, another plate in hand. “What?”, he said, noticing the worry on Mike’s face.
“Nothing.”
Harvey rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t planning on drinking but just because I’m trying to cut back doesn’t mean you need to spend a dry evening.”
Mike frowned at him. “You’re sure it’s okay?”
The other man pouted. “We’re adults here, right? I can handle it.” Mike still didn’t seem convinced, so he added an “I promise”.
Mike hesitantly grabbed the already open bottle of red wine – noticing it was Rachel’s favorite brand – and poured himself a glass. Taking a sip, he tried to drown the tingling in his stomach. Why did Rachel have to cancel last minute today of all days? When he was barely holding it together already? And why had Harvey to look this fucking good in this ridiculously well-fitting pullover and surprisingly tight Jeans? How was he supposed to survive this evening without doing something stupid?
“Are you okay?”
Mike noticed he had been staring at Harvey like an idiot and dropped his gaze to the plate, picking up the cutlery. He decided to ignore the question again and shoved a bit of food into his mouth even though he didn’t feel like eating at all. It was delicious. “Whoa.” He barely swallowed the bite before complimenting Harvey. “You weren’t kidding, you can actually cook.”
Harvey chuckled “You already knew that, you idiot.”
Mike was already at his third bite, answering with his mouth full. “Yeah, but this is next-level restaurant quality stuff.”
The older man shrugged. “I had some time on my hands.”
Harvey had briefly panicked when Rachel cancelled, but now he felt surprisingly calm. This was known territory. He had eaten with Mike plenty of times. Yes, there usually had been case files spread between them then and they had mostly eaten takeaway or some easy dish Harvey put together while exchanging ideas with him. But this was nothing they hadn’t done before. Even though their dynamic had sort of shifted, this felt like known comfort. At least as long as there was a table between them. It was distracting how good Mike looked, though. He was wearing a simple white shirt and modest trousers and his hair had obviously air-dried on his way here. He just looked very Mike and that fact alone made Harvey’s heart clench a little. Fuck, this was going to be a painful pleasure of an evening. They fell into easy conversation over dinner. Mike told Harvey about his first cases at the clinic and soon enough, they were sharing memories of their own cases together. They were finished eating and Mike was on his second glass of wine when he leaned back in his chair and sighed “those were the days.”
Harvey swallowed with a nod. “They were.”
Both men fell silent for a minute and Harvey felt anxiety creeping back up his spine.
“Sounds like you’re doing a fine job mentoring that new colleague of yours.”
Mike smirked. “You mean Oliver?” He shrugged, sipping on his wine. “I’m trying.”
“I mean you’re sure not as good as I was with you…”
Mike chuckled and Harvey continued “But I’m sure you’re being a great mentor.”
“I learned from the best.”
Harvey grinned. “I know. You want dessert?”
“There’s dessert?”
Harvey raised his brows. “Obviously.”
Mike pouted. “How about dessert…and ‘Men in tights’?”
Harvey turned to the kitchen and bit his lip. Damn, Mike wasn’t making this any easier.
“It’s fine if you want to get home early or something…”
“What?” Mike stood up, following him to the kitchenette. “No. I just proposed movie night and you want to…I mean if you want me to go, I can. I just thought…”
Harvey turned around and was startled noticing that Mike stood only a step away from him.
“No. Stay. If you like.”
Mike grinned, and Harvey’s heart decided to skip a beat when Mike’s lips parted with a smile. “Movie night reloaded!”
He had to chuckle at Mike’s cheering undertone but rolled his eyes. “I really should have worn my sweatpants.”
Mike grinned. “Hey, do you have some spare?”
Harvey chuckled. “Seriously?”
“Why not?”
Ten minutes later, they both sat on the sofa, spooning the chocolate mousse Harvey had prepared after his run in the morning, and watching the opening sequence of “Men in tights”. Mike had his legs – covered by a clean pair of Harvey’s sweatpants – pulled up and Harvey sat as far away from him as the small sofa allowed. He still sat close enough to feel the heat radiating from Mike’s body. The urge to move closer to him felt overwhelming. For once he was happy that he wasn’t drinking. It would have made staying responsible a whole lot harder. Mike noticed something was off by the way Harvey seemed to try avoiding even accidentally touching him. So he really hadn’t been imagining it. Something had changed between them. Did Harvey feel uncomfortable because of him? Oh god. What if Harvey was suspecting that Mike liked him, and he found it…weird? He heard Harvey chuckle about some joke in the movie and frowned. Should he address the elephant in the room? This didn’t feel right. They had been so relaxed around each other a couple of nights ago. Why couldn’t they go back to that? Maybe Mike just needed to clear up he never meant anything but to help Harvey? But how to approach the subject? Before he consciously came up with a good answer, his wine-fueled brain ordered him to speak.
“Are you afraid I have some easily transmittable disease?”
Harvey looked at him like he had hit him square in the face and cleared his throat.
“No? Why? Do you have one?”
Mike ignored the fake-grin on Harvey’s features and frowned.
“Let’s cut the bullshit for a minute, shall we?”
He saw Harvey swallow, an anxious expression on his face and for a second, Mike hesitated, but something inside him had decided that this tension had to be addressed if their friendship was supposed to survive.
“Harvey I’m sorry. I obviously overstepped some boundaries the last time I was here and I just want you to know that I’m sorry if I did anything that made you…”
He stopped as Harvey moved closer to him, closing the gap between them until their shoulders touched. “Oh.”
Harvey looked at him, his brows furrowed. “What?”
“You weren’t uncomfortable, because…”
“No.”
“Huh.”
“You want to watch that movie or what?”
Mike cleared his throat, turning back to the television. Hs voice shivered a little when he muttered a little “sure”. Harvey could barely breathe or much less focus on the movie. He felt Mike’s body slightly moving next to his with every breath, every chuckle, every shift on the sofa. Why on earth had he been stupid enough to move closer? He should have known that this were going to make things worse. Harvey felt his heart speed up in his chest and waited for the panic attack but it didn’t come. He felt anxious, yes. But in a different way. That stupid tingling started spreading from his stomach to his back and from there to his arms. It made him horribly aware of the fact that one of them was touching Mike’s arm and suddenly, he had to fight the urge to get closer, to give in to the want inside of him. He swallowed, gluing his gaze to the television and forcing himself to keep up with the movie.
Mike had seen ‘Men in tights’ often enough to know when to chuckle so that he seemed like he was actually watching. But on the inside, he was a mess. Harvey’s body this close to him made his heart beat so fast he wasn’t sure if it would stay inside his chest. His cheeks felt hot and he was glad he wasn’t one to blush or it would have been completely obvious how helplessly infatuated he was. Now that he’d admitted his crush – cause that was what this was, right? – to himself, it was way harder than before not to do something stupid. Every fibre of his being wanted to turn his head to Harvey to at least look at him. For a while, he struggled to keep focused on the television, but thirty minutes in, Mike finally turned to look at Harvey who was currently laughing about Robin recruiting some idiots to fight against the notorious Sheriff. Mike’s lip immediately curled up to a grin and then he was laughing too. Harvey’s laugh was infectious. With a sudden clench of his heart Mike thought how much he had missed to hear Harvey laugh more often in the last couple of weeks. It was nice that he seemed a little more at ease for once. Yes, his posture still seemed tense and he had his arms crossed in front of his chest, but the tiny wrinkles around his eyes were proof enough for Mike that this was real laughter. And there was no sign of any shivering either. Mike felt the stupid butterflies in his stomach do a flip. He looked back to the TV, finally noticing what Harvey was laughing about and before he knew, they fell into quoting along to the movie together.
“Your majesty, stop me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t your mole on the other side?” Mike said in unison with the Sherriff. And Harvey, throwing him a smile that would have made Mike weak in the knees had he been standing, retorted, together with the king on screen: “I have a mole?!?”**
Mike broke into a cackle and Harvey joined in. “Hands down best scene in the movie”, Mike managed between two laughs and wiped the corner of his eye. Harvey nodded. “It is one of the highlights.” They looked at each other, still laughing and suddenly fell silent. Grins turned into smiles and the atmosphere seemed to shift. Something in Mike’s mind fell into place. His eyes flickered to Harvey’s lips. Without really noticing, he shifted a little closer to Harvey, leaning forward enough so that they were less than half a meter apart. He watched Harvey swallow and shake his head with the tiniest of smirks and bit the inside of his lip.
Anxiety had suddenly become the last of Harvey’s problems. Somewhere in his brain, there was still this whisper that he should send Mike home asap and get as much distance between them as was possible. That he was making a mistake, that this wasn’t right. But it was drowned by the sound of his own heartbeat, by Mike’s beaming smile that warmed and lighted the coldest and darkest corners of his insides. Something came alive inside him and when Mike leaned closer, he finally understood something. This attraction really wasn’t a one-sided problem. He wasn’t the only one feeling the sizzling between them. He had no idea if his love for Mike was requited, but there was a cheeky curiosity in Mike’s eyes that made him grit his teeth and shake his head with a chuckle. This was absurd and nice and confusing and scary and weird. And he wanted it so much it nearly hurt. And then it was enough. Harvey was well-trained in restraining himself, in denying himself to feel, in keeping his love for Mike in check. But there was a limit to self-control, even for Harvey Specter. So when Mike suddenly touched his arm and let his hand wander up to his face with a touch as light as a feather, he cleared his throat and tried to get to his feet since that was the only way to stop himself from losing control and doing something he would for sure live to regret. But he couldn’t. Two hands had suddenly grabbed his shoulders and held him in place, turned him further towards Mike. Harvey swallowed. Mike’s grip was surprisingly firm. His gaze flickered from Mike’s shining blue eyes to his lips. God, this was torture. This had to stop. He cleared his throat. “Mike, what are you doing…”
Harvey’s voice was barely a whisper and sounded so different that it sent shivers down Mike’s spine. It made him want to lean forward and close that gap between them so desperately that this time, it was him who chuckled. “Isn’t that pretty obvious?”
“Not really.”
“God, Harvey.” Mike lifted his hands from Harvey’s shoulders, suddenly sure that he wouldn’t try to flee again and rubbed his own forehead. His voice dropped to a whisper so unsure that he barely recognized his own voice anymore. “Who are we even still kidding?”
He looked into Harvey’s dark brown eyes and noticed the small smile glimmering inside them. He could get lost in this eyes without ever being found. His gaze dropped to Harvey’s lips. They looked soft and inviting and like everything he could ever want. Mike swallowed, waiting for an answer. Waiting for something. Waiting for the universe to turn upside down. And it did.
The last bits of doubt in Harvey’s mind had been flooded away by want and longing and hope. He needed to know now. Was this what he thought it was? Was Mike really saying that he wanted something…more? He slowly lifted his hand and touched Mike’s cheek. The younger flinched, before he leaned into the touch and held Harvey’s hand in place with his own.
Harvey’s heart skipped a beat. “You’re su-“
He never finished his question because Mike leaned forward, bridging the gap between them until their faces were only inches apart. He felt Mike’s breath brush against his lips. It smelled like red wine. He checked Mike’s eyes. They still shone with that cheeky curiosity but also an insecurity he hadn’t seen inside them for years. Harvey’s heart decided it was enough. He’d go mad if he’d turn away now. So instead, he closed his eyes, leaned forward, and kissed his best friend.*Chapter title taken from OneRepublic's "Bones"** Yes this is actual dialogue from the movie and it is amazingly funny and you should all go watch it.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 18 - Happiness is a butterfly*
Donna gently knocked her knuckles against the glass next to the doorframe. She watched Rachel flinch before the other woman looked up from a pile of files.
“You seem on edge”, Donna said without a greeting and Rachel sighed, wiping a strain of hair from her face. “Louis gave me one of Harvey’s clients because he thinks that I am, and I quote, ‘ready to wear the big girl skirt now’. Which is true, but this case…” She licked her lips. “It’s a little intense.” Donna folded her arms in front of her chest, leaning against the doorframe. “Anything I can do to help?”
Rachel shook her head before burying it behind her palms, an agonized grunt on her lips.
“Transform into Harvey and handle this nightmare of a dishonest client, maybe?”
Donna chuckled. “That bad?” Rachel lifted her gaze, nodding. “I’m ashamed to admit it, but I came this close” she showed a tiny gap between her index finger and her thumb “to asking Harvey for help today.” She saw Donna’s raised brows and sighed. “Don’t worry, I didn’t. Mike and I were invited for dinner, but I didn’t go. Because I knew that as soon as he asked how it was going at the office, I would’ve just spilled the beans and then he would have worried and we’re supposed to give him space to get better. But it’s…” She threw her hands up. Donna frowned. “You two skipped dinner with him?” Rachel shook her head. “No. Mike went. Maybe it’s better if they have some time on their own. I hope it calms Mike down, to be honest. He worries about Harvey a lot lately.” Donna swallowed, looking at her feet. Of course this didn’t go unnoticed by Rachel.
“Are you alright, Donna?”
The redhead looked up, smiling. “I was just thinking…” She shrugged. “Maybe go and ask Harvey. You don’t have to share the details with him but I’m sure he’ll be more than glad to hand out advice on how to handle the client best. He usually knows their quirks and pressure points.”
Rachel looked at her with raised eyebrows. “Are you sure?”
The other woman shrugged. “You know Harvey. He won’t be able to stay away from business too long anyway. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. Maybe it even helps him to know he’s still, you know, needed.” Rachel frowned, thinking about it for a minute. “You know what? You could be right.” She checked her watch. “If I hurry up, I might make it to his place before Mike heads home. I can say I came to pick him up and just casually drop that I would love some advice on James Killner. Easy.” Donna bit the tip of her tongue, uncrossing her arms. “Or you could just call him first thing in the morning.”
Rachel shook her head. “Too obvious. He would know that I am desperate. I’ll just go and pick up Mike. That way I get to finally spend more than five minutes with my fiancé and the opportunity to casually ask Harvey for help. It’s genius.” She grinned. “Thank you, Donna!”Donna swallowed as she watched Rachel pack her bag, an eager smile on her face. She was hoping that she hadn’t just made a horrible mistake by giving Rachel this advice.
Mike’s lips against his own unlocked something inside Harvey. His heart hammered against the ribcage keeping it prisoner like a caged animal. His mind just blanked. All he could think was that Mike’s lips felt the way clouds probably would. That he tasted like salt and wine and something that was just very Mike. Before he knew, his hands developed a life of their own, wandering, pulling on Mike’s neck for better access, running through his short prison hair that was still growing back. His warm skin under his fingers felt like silk. All armor and containment and restriction seemed to melt away. Harvey felt like a junkie getting a hit from his favorite drug. All he craved was more. To his surprise, Mike happily obliged.
Mike didn’t know what it felt like to be hit by lightning, but this kiss was what he would suspect it to feel like. It was different from the classic ‘butterflies in your stomach’ kind of kiss. This was like putting on glasses for the first time in his life and seeing the world as it was. Like the atmosphere right before a thunderstorm during a heatwave. Like a tide rolling in around his body, carrying it into the sea. Like electricity activating every single cell inside him, every fibre, every last inch of his skin. Harvey’s lips felt like home and adventure at the same time. When a tongue brushed against his own in a way that Mike would have thought of as shy if this hadn’t been Harvey Specter, goosebumps spread over his body. Mike opened his lips, leaning closer, begging for more of this electricity. His hands reached up to Harvey’s face, cupping his cheeks and pulling him further towards Mike. Their lips broke apart for a second and they both breathed hard, sucking oxygen into their lungs. Mike leaned towards the other man’s neck, letting his lips wander gently from his chin downwards. He breathed in Harvey’s smell hungrily, wishing he could bottle it up and carry it around with him like a hot blanket of comfort and excitement. His lips felt the soft stubble of a single hair left unshaved and he smiled as Harvey’s hands started to move from his head to his shoulders, holding him tight. Mike placed a last kiss on Harvey’s neck, then lifted his gaze to finally open his eyes again and look at the other man.
When Harvey opened his eyes, he looked right into the stormy ocean that currently lived in Mike’s eyes. His heart skipped a beat. Somewhere in the back of his head, an alarm started to blaze. A tingling crawled over his skin and he was about to turn away when Mike grabbed his hands. Harvey looked at them and just now noticed that they had started to tremble. Mike intertwined their fingers, pulling him close again, looking at him like he was the only person on the planet worth noticing. They sat there staring at each other while the spark in Mike’s eyes muffled the alarm inside Harvey enough for him to lean in for another kiss. But this time, it wasn’t as held-back as before.
Before even fully closing his eyes again, Mike found himself in Harvey’s embrace, hungry lips sucking on his lower lip, teeth gently nibbling on it. His heart jumped in his chest as their kiss grew deeper, their breath mingled and the temperature of the room seemed to rise several degrees. Mike felt his body reacting to the closeness of Harvey, to his hands in his own, his lips discovering him. A flush appeared on his cheeks, unnoticed. Somewhere in the back of his head, a silent little voice of shame and fear whispered that this was wrong. The heat burned it away.
Time lost its meaning. The universe stopped in its tracks. They were in their own bubble, floating away, all lips and teeth and breath and hands. They were two bodies gently touching and colliding and discovering. Like beach and waves, unbothered by everything else, touching and moving against each other in unity, caught in the joined rhythm of their hearts. It was nothing but kisses and careful probing of territory, but soon enough, their hair was ruffled, their cheeks flushed and their hearts lost beyond recovery.
It was when Mike felt Harvey smile against his neck after the smallest moan escaping Mike’s lips that he knew. This was not infatuation. Not a friendship grown closer. Mike was madly, undeniably in love. There was not a single bone in his body that wanted Harvey to stop, no thought strong enough to pull him back into reality, no doubt or regret or insecurity loud enough to remind him that he had a fiancé. That this bore risks. That he had never kissed his best friend before. Mike just melted in Harvey’s arms, became somebody else. Somebody who finally admitted what had been buried for so many years. He fell harder for Harvey every second they touched and he didn’t want it to stop.
Harvey wanted to stop. He knew he should have. But he couldn’t. Not with Mike leaning against him, his lips always following if he dared to only lean an inch away. Not with this wave of happiness drowning every sane thought he tried to grasp. Not with himself realizing that this was all he had ever wanted. So he didn’t stop. He didn’t pull away. He didn’t burst the bubble.
The doorbell did.
The shrill ring exploded between them like a bomb, shredding the bubble and restarting time, throwing the universe back into its axis and breaking the waves hitting the beach. Harvey struggled on his feet, his hand brushing through his own messy hair with a tremble. Mike looked at him, a sudden terror on his features like reality had suddenly dawned on him and he had just remembered who he was. Absentminded, Harvey wiped his lips with the back of his hand, still feeling the ghost of Mike on them. The doorbell went off again. Mike just kept starring at him and Harvey pointed towards the door. “I better…check.” Mike watched Harvey walk to the intercom next to the door and rearranged the collar of his shirt, tucking it fully back into his trousers. The room suddenly seemed cooler. Without Harvey next to him, Mike felt dizzy and lost, his racing pulse no longer a source of hormonal bliss but of reappearing reality and conscience and doubt. And it got worse.
He watched Harvey’s face harden as he greeted the person at the other end of the intercom and saw his hand hover a second over the button before Harvey buzzed said person in. Mike knew it was Rachel before Harvey even turned to him, his face empty and sober and hard as a rock, telling him so. Mike swallowed all the words caught in his throat. All the apologies and promises he wanted to spill to Harvey. Instead, he ran towards the bathroom, pulling the door closed behind him and checking his face in the mirror. His cheeks still looked flushed, his lips had a slightly more rosy shade than usual and his shirt was a rumpled mess. Mike pulled Harvey's lended sweatpants from his legs and jumped into his own trousers that he had placed on the rim of the bathtub a couple of hours ago. He threw some cold water on his face while he heard Harvey invite Rachel inside on the other side of the door. Nothing to be done about the shirt now besides praying that Rachel wouldn’t notice. He heard her cheerful voice making some remark about how the food smelled wonderful and how sad she was that she had missed it. Regret hit Mike like a train. What on earth had he done? He dried his face on a towel before leaving the bathroom. There was no time to answer that question now. He had to behave as normal as possible now. No matter how much it would hurt any of them.
Harvey flinched as Mike returned from the bathroom to greet Rachel with a smile and a kiss on her cheek. He bit the inside of his cheek as Mike put his arm around Rachels hips and she leaned against him. Somewhere in the back of his brain, Harvey prayed that Rachel wouldn’t smell him on Mike. That she wouldn’t notice his deranged shirt or the storm still visible in his eyes. The worry didn’t drown the sudden pang of jealousy spreading through his veins like icy poison. But it fueled the guilt and with it, the fear. While he succeeded in making conversation and at least partly listening to Rachel who had started talking about work by now, he could already feel dark clouds moving up the sky of his mind. The well-known tingle of his skin crawled up his spine, dragging nausea behind it and letting Harvey swallow a gag with a forced smile. A side-glance to Mike and he knew the other man had already noticed his agony and was trying to force Rachel to get going. But Rachel seemed eager to ask Harvey something. He just nodded along, biting his tongue and avoiding her gaze. How was he supposed to look her in the eyes? To act like everything was normal after what he had just done?
“…any useful tips?”, he heard the end of her sentence, completely unaware what the beginning had been. Unable to really say anything, he forced a fake chuckle from his mouth, shrugging his trained Specter-way and murmuring a “you’ll have to find that out yourself” he hoped sounded like his usual arrogant self. Rachel frowned for a millisecond but then nodded with a smile and obliged as Mike checked his watch and suggested for them to get home. Harvey didn’t have the strength to put on a show anymore and did not ask for them to stay. He just went to fetch Mike’s coat, handed it to him and stiffened as Rachel leaned in for a hug goodbye. She was already out the door when Mike stood in front of him, looking like a deer in headlights, silently forming a ‘I’m sorry’ with his lips and lifting his phone out of his pocket. Harvey nodded, looking at the phone and shoved Mike out the door before he could even have the chance to try and hug him.
The door closed behind Mike and the condo fell silent.
Harvey stood there, staring at the dark wood of the empty doorframe. A second. Two.
Then he ran to the bathroom, vomit already rising in his throat. *Chapter title inspired by the Lana del Rey Song
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 19 – You ain't got to be so blind*
He retched until there was nothing left inside his stomach. His thoughts were one big spinning spiral of regret and shame and fear and self-hatred. His mind kept asking him the same question over and over and over and over and over and over: How could he? Harvey felt his heart racing in his tight chest and heaved air into his lungs. His breathing was hectic and shallow and everything seemed to be spinning. He gripped the toilet below his head for something to hold on to, but his hands were shivering badly enough to let him slip. He let himself fall to the side and rolled onto his back. Wiping the sick from his mouth, he closed his eyes. But behind his eyelids, only memories of those damn kisses awaited him. He gasped and opened his eyes again, as an unknown weight started to settle in his chest. It felt like it was pinning him to the floor.He knew he should try to get up, try to breathe normal, try to pull himself together. But he had forgotten why to bother. The world felt like somebody had switched out all light in a massive power outage and Harvey didn’t even have it in him to reach for a flashlight. He knew he was spiralling and he knew even this panic attack wouldn’t last forever, but in that moment, he didn’t care. His whole body tingled and ached and sweated and begged him to stop the thoughts that turned everything into a sharp-edged nightmare he couldn’t wake from. “You’re a horrible asshole”, his mind whispered to him. “You’re no better than your mother.” He swallowed, blinked against the acidic sting in his eyes. “Rachel is your friend, you disloyal piece of shit”, he thought. “You lost your best friend because you can’t control yourself.” A sob escaped his trembling lips. He curled his legs up and rolled on his side, his knees pulled up to his chest. The bathroom floor felt cold and hard beneath his hipbone, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Mike’s throat felt like something had gotten stuck inside it and was trying to suffocate him. He forced himself to nod along to Rachel rambling about her new awful client and wondered how he even managed to respond with advice and a smile. It was like he was watching himself walking on the sidewalk next to her, climbing the stairs to their appartement, getting inside. He felt like he wasn’t really there. His head was clouded with shame. He could barely even look at Rachel without a pang of guilt shooting through every fibre of his body. All of him wanted to tell her what happened straight away, come clean, admit what he had done. But his tongue refused to form the words. How would he even begin to explain what had happened if he didn’t even know what exactly had happened? He had kissed his best friend. Mike could still feel the ghost of his kiss on his lips and hated how his stomach tingled and flipped just remembering it. The confusion that had been expanding inside him seemed to grow into a giant demanding attention. He knew he would have to deal with his feelings sooner or later, but now the guilt was too overwhelming and drowned everything else out. And then, as Rachel walked to the bathroom to get ready for bed, there was relief. For a second, he was glad that she was in another room, unable to see his face. His fingers wandered up to his lips, tracing the shadow of a kiss lingering on them like a tattooed memory. For a moment, his racing heart won against the shame. A little smile appeared on his face without him even noticing and goosebumps spread over his arms. But before he could relax to much into the memory of feeling Harvey’s body close to his own, another feeling emerged within him. Worry. He heard the shower being turned on and walked to the bedroom, closing the door behind him and pulling his mobile from his pocket. He dialed Harvey’s number without giving a thought to what he’d actually say. He just knew he needed to speak to him. Listening to the familiar beeping noise, he silently begged Harvey to pick up. He needed to make sure he hadn’t done too much damage on this end. He was worried his rushed departure might have led to Harvey returning to the darkness that had been surrounding him within the last weeks. Having no idea what he’d do if he was correct about this, he continued to wait for Harvey to pick up. Harvey heard his phone go off, but he didn’t care. Answering phones was something for people with a grasp on reality. But he’d let go of that for now. Staring at the ceiling, he lay on his back, heaving air into his lungs and losing the interest to do anything but lay right there on the cold bathroom floor for the rest of his life. The phone kept ringing. Somewhere in an outer corner of his mind, it started bothering him. His forehead formed a frown, when the noise didn’t stop after what seemed like an eternity to him. He reached into his pocket and pressed ‘decline’ without even looking and turned the thing off in one swift motion. He knew it would be Mike calling. To apologize, most likely. To ask him to forget about it all. To end their friendship for good. Harvey didn’t want to hear it. Since he had already destroyed everything now, he’d rather lie in his own ruins and wallow in the few memories he had managed to make. The waves of shame still crashed against his insides, letting the panic rise and decline over and over. But a part of him clinged to the happy seconds of those kisses. He wanted to fully regret what he’d done, but he couldn’t. It was too late. If Harvey Specter knew one thing, it was that you could not turn back time. Not even if you really wanted to. And if he was being honest to himself for a second, he didn’t really want to in this case. “Pick up pick up pick –“ Mike stopped in his mumbling. Harvey had declined the call. He swallowed and dialed again, only to be send to voicemail. He took a breath to leave a message but found he didn’t know what to say. Two seconds passed, before his tongue started forming words. “Harvey it’s me. I…we need to talk. Soon. Sorry I left. I had no idea she would…Fuck, Harvey, call me when you get this…” He hesitated. “I hope you’re okay.” He hung up just as the shower was turned off in the bathroom. Mike walked back to the living room and fished some papers out of his bag, spread them on the table and grabbed the nearest file to bury his face in just in time as Rachel entered the room. She was wrapped in a towel and rubbing through her hair with another one. “Don’t tell me you are working again.” She pouted at him and he had to bite the tip of his tongue not to give a snarky reply. Anger bubbled inside him, but he knew he was angry with himself, not her. He just didn’t want to talk to her now. He needed to be alone with his thoughts, needed to sort himself and decide what to do about…well, everything. But Rachel, unknowing that her fiancé was busy deciding whether he should tell her that he’d cheated on her, sat down next to him and started rubbing his shoulders. Mike tensed under her touch and she frowned. “What’s going on?”“Nothing.” He tried to smile. “Just a lot on my mind.”She put her head on his shoulder and looked at the file in his hand. “Don’t tell me you’re still brooding over the lost case.”Mike swallowed and nodded. “I just really wished Oli and me could have done more for that poor woman. It feels like we failed her.”Rachel sighed. “The system failed her, Mike. The system is what’s broken.”Mike threw his head back against the backrest of the couch and hummed in agreement.Rachel lifted her head from his shoulder and looked at him, a question in her eyes.“So how’s Harvey doing?”Feeling caught off guard, Mike sighed and rubbed a hand over his closed eyes.“I don’t know, honestly.”Rachel rubbed his upper arm in sympathy. He wanted to evade her touch but knew too well how awkward that would be, so he just sat through it.“I’m sure he’ll get better again, Mike.”He snorted before he could stop himself and Rachel lifted her brows. Mike pulled his arm from her touch. “How are you all so sure he will be?”Rachel chuckled, apparently more amused than worried by his sudden change of tone.“He’s Harvey. Of course he will be fine.”Mike felt the bubbling anger rising in his throat. “You sound like he’s a robot that just needs some fixing. He is a human being, Rachel.”“Come on, you have to admit – most of the time he doesn’t seem like he is a human being.”Mike’s brows furrowed and he let out a snort. “You should know him better than that by now.”Rachel sighed. “I’m sorry. I know you’re worried.”“Damn right I am. After all the shit that happened…”Rachel chuckled. “You were the one going to prison, Mike. Not him.”“Exactly. Have you never thought about how difficult that might have been for him? He could have saved me from it, but I just didn’t let him.”“I was busy worrying about my fiancé.” She started sounding angry now. “I was busy asking myself if our relationship could survive that. So no, Harvey’s feelings didn’t exactly cross my mind.”Mike chuckled. “You’re still angry with him.”She shrugged. “Maybe I am. He is the one who got you into this mess in the first place.He shook his head. “No. We both did it.”“But you paid the price alone.”“Because I owed him, Rachel. He gave me a life.” Mike was nearly shouting by now and Rachel got to her feet, shaking her head.“I don’t know why we’re even still talking about this.”“Because I thought he was your friend too.”“He is. God, Mike, what is it with you lately?”“Excuse me?”“Nothing. Just…” She sighed, rubbing her forehead. “I’m sorry. I just wanted you to worry less but I understand you. Harvey is our friend and it’s horrible to see him in pain. I was shocked at the state he was in at the office last week. It…it’s just weird to understand that Harvey ‘the best closer in the city’ Specter isn’t always just strong. That’s it.”Mike shrugged, feeling the anger decline slowly. A little voice at the back of his head whispered that he had no right to be angry with Rachel right now anyway. She sighed and offered him her hand. “Come on, let’s get you to bed. You look like you could use a good night of sleep.”Mike didn’t want to go to bed. If there was anything he wasn’t right now, it was tired. “I’ll just…I need to get some fresh air, clear my head.” He took her hand and pressed it, feeling ashamed by the intimacy of it that suddenly felt like a lie. “Is that okay with you? I’ll just take a walk around the block.”She rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand and her face changed from slight anger to loving worry. “Are you okay?”“I’m good.” He wasn’t.“I didn’t even ask, but, how did the evening go? You both were a little weird when I turned up. Did you get into a fight?”Mike’s heart dropped into his gut. “Something like that.”Rachel sighed. “You two…” She rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you’ll make up again. And even though I understand that he is in a dark place, I am sure he will pull through. He has a great friend by his side and the firm and he is getting help. Have some faith in him, Mike.” He forced a smile on his lips, planted a fast kiss on her forehead before he grabbed his jacket and walked to the door, leaving with a “don’t wait up.”Mike had really wanted to just walk around the block for a bit but when Harvey still didn’t pick up his phone, his legs just decided that he needed to go back. Knowing how small things had send Harvey spiralling within the last weeks, he didn’t dare to imagine how badly this weird evening must have shaken him up. Also, they needed to talk about what had happened. Mike knew that the longer they left this unspoken of, the weirder it would become. He needed to know what it all meant. Was this just a little out of control flirtation or did Harvey…Mike chuckled to himself. No. Harvey didn’t have actual feelings for him. That was absurd. And even if Harvey did. Mike was with Rachel. They needed to fix this and be friends again. Right? As he entered Harvey’s building and decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator, he wondered if that was even possible. Could they be friends again after crossing this unspoken line? He knew they had both felt the electricity between them. This tension had been there for years without them acting on it. Would it recharge now that they had? Did he want to uncross the line? With every step he walked upstairs he understood that he didn’t. There wasn’t a bone in his body that regretted kissing Harvey. Touching him. Feeling his body move against his own. Mike felt heat crawling up his neck and something deep down awakening. The truth was that the only thing he regretted was that Rachel had put a sudden stop to it. That he didn’t get to undo every button of Harvey’s shirt one by one before trailing down his chest with shivering fingers. Mike swallowed. Fuck, all he wanted was to find out what it was like to discover the other man’s body. He wanted him. Badly. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The worst was the fluttering in his chest when he thought about afterwards. Laying together, entangled, together. He wanted that more than anything. One floor before Harvey’s place, the dominoes in Mike’s head fell into place. He wanted to be with Harvey. Permanently. For good. Mike stopped in his tracks. He needed to break up with Rachel. His heart clenched in his chest at the thought, but he immediately knew that there was no way around it. He still loved her. But ever since prison, it had been difficult. They had lost their ease, their fun, their common vision of a life together. Prison had changed him and he didn’t know how to be the Mike she had once fallen for again. And besides the fact that his feelings for Rachel had cooled off over the months spend apart there was the little detail that he had been in love with Harvey for years. There was no reason in denying it any longer. He was utterly and completely in love with his former boss. Had been for the better part of a century. Somehow, admitting that to himself made him feel lighter. The only question remaining now was if Harvey felt the same. Anxiety crept up Mike’s neck. Was it even okay to ask such a question in Harvey’s current state of mind? Didn’t the other man have bigger problems to solve? Would Mike admitting his feelings worsen his condition? Mike swallowed, understanding that he had started walking again without even noticing and was now standing in front of Harvey’s door. He didn’t have to ambush Harvey with his feelings. Not tonight. But they still needed to talk. Mike knew Harvey’s stance on infidelity. He needed Harvey to know that he was going to break up with Rachel. Not because Harvey had gotten between them, but because their split-up had long been overdue. It hadn’t been fair to Rachel to pretend for so long like things hadn’t changed. Like he hadn’t changed. The shame won the upper hand again and for a second, Mike hesitated. He knew he should be going home, wake Rachel and rip off the band aid with one swift motion. But his body wouldn’t move. He wanted to speak to Harvey first. Needed to. It would tear him apart if he didn’t at least check on him.Mike took a deep breath and pulled his spare key from his pocket, unlocked the door and entered a silent flat. Harvey flinched and sat up at the sudden noise coming from the hallway. Like waking from a trance, he understood that he was still lying on the ice cold bathroom floor and with that realization, his back started hurting. “Fuck”, he swore under his breath and stumbled up to his feet. The panic had finally drowned away but left him exhausted and gloomy. All he wanted was a drink and a week, or a month or maybe even a year hidden away in bed, sleeping and ignoring reality. But the shuffling noises in the hallway had him guessing that peace and quiet weren’t going to be something he’d be getting anytime soon. With a sigh, he decided that hiding in the bathroom was too pathetic. Even though he felt like shit, he needed to draw the line somewhere. Harvey checked himself in the mirror. He looked pale and his hair was a mess. He swiftly washed his face and cleared it of any trace of vomit, dried himself off and raked his hands through his hair.“Harvey?”Mike’s voice from the hallway shattered something inside him, but he stood straight, took a deep breath, and left the bathroom.Mike froze, when Harvey appeared at the other side of the hallway. Neither of them said a word. Mike just stared at his friend and instantly knew he was barely holding it together. His posture was classic distanced ‘what do you want from me’ Specter, but his eyes had a weird glimmer and his hands were stuffed away in the pockets of his jeans. Mike felt water welling up behind his eyes. All the shame and confusion and worry searched for a way out, but he knew he couldn’t crumble. Not now. He cleared his throat. “Harvey, I…”Harvey shook his head, walking over to him. “You’re sorry. I know. It’s fine. I take the blame. Rachel will never know. I sincerely apologize for pulling you into this. It’s on me.”Mike frowned. “No.”Harvey looked at him, puzzled. Speechless.“It’s not on you”, Mike whispered, fighting the urge to touch Harvey who stood in safe distance, barely out of reach. “It’s on both of us.”Harvey licked his bottom lip and looked to the floor. “I made you do something wrong. That is on me. Rachel is my friend and I shouldn’t even have considered…” he trailed off.Mike hesitated. He didn’t want to make this complicated. He knew he couldn’t just dump his mixed bag of feelings on Harvey. But he needed him to understand that what had happened was not his fault. That Rachel would’t get hurt anymore than she had to.“Rachel and I were doomed long before this.”Harvey looked at him, a frown on his forehead. “You love her. She loves you. I don’t see the problem.”Mike chuckled. A “but I love you more” stuck unspoken in his throat. He sighed instead, looking to the ceiling, blinking against the sentimentality flooding his eyes again. “I loved her. Maybe still do. In a way. But not enough. I have been knowing it for a while, but I told myself it was just a phase. Turns out it wasn’t.”He looked at Harvey and knew he had said the wrong thing. His eyes had this faraway look they always had when fear was taking over. Mike made a step towards Harvey, but Harvey took a step back. “You should go.”Mike shook his head. “I’m still your friend. I’m not leaving you when I can see that you’re…”“I am fine.”Mike took a step forward. This time, Harvey didn’t move away from him.“You’re not.”“I don’t care, Mike. About what you think you have to say or your friendly chivalry. I need you to leave me alone.”“Because alone has been working so great for you lately.”Harvey’s jaw tensed. “I want you out of here. Now.”Mike lifted his hands. “It’s alright. I’ll go. But we have to talk about this. You know we do.”“There’s nothing we need to talk about. It was a mistake and we’ll forget about it.”Mike frowned. “A mistake?”Harvey nodded. “Plain and stupid.”The former attorney chuckled. “Yeah, of course. Just a mistake.” He shook his head. “I know what you’re trying to do, but it won’t work.”Harvey lifted his brows and crossed his arms in front of his chest.“Enlighten me, Mike. What am I trying to do?”“You’re shoving me away, because you’re scared.”Harvey’s face froze. He looked like Mike had slapped him. “Get out.”Mike came a step closer. They were now standing toe to toe.“I will give you all the space you need. I will wait. As long as it takes. But I won’t let you act like this,” he pointed at Harvey, then himself “has no meaning. Because I am tired of lying to myself or to you or to Rachel. I…” he bit his tongue to keep it inside. “It wasn’t a mistake to me. It was something I desperately wanted.” His gaze wandered to Harvey’s lips and he couldn’t help but smile a little. “Hell, I still want to kiss you. All of the damn time.” He threw his head back, blinking again and had to clear his throat before he spoke again. “But I won’t, unless you let me. And I know you have shit to sort out. I respect that. But I don’t accept you standing there, putting on your mask and brushing this off as nothing. If this really all means nothing to you, it’s fine. But I won’t believe it unless you say to my face that I am nothing other than a friend to you and will never be anything else.”Harvey threw him a look that was usually reserved for opposing attorneys. “Is Rachel still your fiancé?” Mike opened his mouth and started to stutter. “I…she…I need to…”Harvey nodded, his features hard and his lips a thin line. “Good. So we don’t need to have this conversation.”“Harvey, I am going to end…”“But you haven’t yet, have you?” Harvey was practically shouting now and Mike flinched.“I will in the morning.”Harvey shook his head. “Because of me?”“Because Rachel and I…we were good for a while but we no longer are. I changed. She changed. It’s not what I want. Not anymore.”Mike noticed a quiver in Harvey’s bottom lip and reached out a hand to touch him, but Harvey evaded him. “I need you to go now.”Mike looked him in the eyes, worry on his own features.“Promise me we will talk once I spoke to Rachel.”Harvey sighed. “I don’t think we should.”Mike nodded and looked to the floor. Beaten. “Okay.” He pulled the spare key from his pocket and put it on the kitchen counter. Then he grabbed the opened bottle of red wine still on the dining table and walked to the cupboard under the sink, checking for other bottles. Harvey watched him with an angry frown. “What the hell you think you’re doing?”Mike turned around, jaw tightened. “I am still your friend and just because I wrongly assumed I was maybe more than that, I am not going to let you throw away your sobriety.”Harvey snorted. “I’m not going to drink.”“Because this is all a joke to you?” Mike laughed. “Don’t dare to treat me like I don’t know you. Just…” he shook his head and checked the other booze hiding spots he remembered. Harvey let him. He just stood there, frozen in place, silent. Once Mike was done without finding anything, he brushed past Harvey in the hallway and opened the door, the wine bottle still in hand.In the doorframe, he hesitated for a second.“Just so you know.” His voice shivered. “It were the best few minutes of my fucking life.”Before Harvey could answer, Mike walked out and into the elevator. Harvey watched him with a puzzled face until the doors had closed. *Chapter title taken from "To love somebody" by Beyries
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 20 – Things fall apart, but nothing breaks like a heart*
Mike just noticed that his hands were curled into tight fists, after the elevator had already started moving. Anger was still bubbling beneath his surface as he unclenched them and took a deep breath. Harvey’s on brand denial had made him way more furious than he’d ever expected. Maybe Harvey really wasn’t into Mike the way he was into him. But acting like that kiss had meant nothing? That was brutal. As much as Mike accepted that Harvey was in a difficult place, enough was enough. He shouldn’t have come here. Not before settling things with Rachel anyway. He rubbed his forehead. Rachel. A pang of guilt shot through him and his heart grew heavy. Mike swallowed as he got out of the elevator and the building. How was he going to explain it to Rachel? He hated the thought of hurting her but knew he had own up to his mistake. He knew this was different from that time Rachel had kissed her ex-boyfriend. What Mike had done was worse. Because it hadn’t happened in the heat of a moment. It had been a long time coming and he had done nothing to stop it. Mike was scared that Rachel wouldn’t understand. That she’s hate him for it. That she’d hate Harvey for it. But she deserved the truth. She deserved better than a relationship dwelling on a past that was long gone. Even if Harvey never came around to at least let Mike find out if there was something more than just sexually tensed friendship between them: Tonight had showed Mike that it would be wrong to stay with Rachel. The thought of a life without her by his side pulled on his heartstrings nevertheless. She had been his friend and companion for such a long time, it would be tough to let her go.
But he had to.
Walking back to his own place with too much on his mind, he pulled out his phone to make a call. Maybe Harvey didn’t want to speak to him and maybe he really was okay and wouldn’t spiral. But Mike just wanted to be sure someone would be there for him if he needed a shoulder to lean on.
Donna picked up after the first ring.
“Please tell me Rachel did not walk in on you two doing god knows what.”
Mike was so thrown by that blunt entrance that he didn’t give an answer.
“Oh my god. Please tell me I’m wrong.”Mike sighed. “Rachel didn’t walk into anything.”
“But she could have walked into something?”
“How do you even…what the hell, Donna?”
He heard her sigh. “I told Harvey it was about time you two admitted that you are…” She stopped, apparently rethinking what she was about to tell him. “Nevermind. I’m Donna. I know everything. And that tension between you two has been obvious from day one. I knew it would explode right into your faces one day.”
“Well thanks for no warning at all.”
“Oh Mike.” She had that rare motherly tone reserved for the times when he really fucked up. “I thought it wasn’t my place to say something. Do you care to tell me what happened?”
Mike chewed on his bottom lip. “I don’t.”
“But it didn’t go well, I assume?”
Mike sighed. “It’s difficult. I worry about Harvey. I just…can you have an eye on him?”
“Of course. Always. But what about you? And Rachel?”
“I’ll talk to her in the morning.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
Mike chuckled. “What would you rather have me do? Pretend like we’re a happy couple?”
“Are you not?”
“Not anymore, no. I’ll…I’m going to end things with her.”
“Have you thought this through?”
“I have. Longer than I’d want to admit.”
“But you won’t tell her about whatever it is between you and Harvey, will you?”
“Of course I will. She deserves the truth.”
“Ok I’m going to tell you something as Rachel’s friend: She doesn’t need to hear it. It will tremendously hurt her. You just want that weight off your conscience and she doesn’t deserve you dumping that on her.”
“I won’t lie to her.”
“That’s funny since you’re so good at lying.”
“What the hell? You knew about this and apparently told Harvey he should do something and now you antagonize me?”
“I told him to talk to you, Mike. Talk. I didn’t cheer him on to make you cheat on my friend.”
Mike rubbed his forehead.
“I…we didn’t. It was only a kiss.”
“Only a kiss?”
“Well more than one if you must know. But that was it.”
Donna sighed.
“It’s going to tear her heart into shreds, Mike. She loves you. And Harvey is her friend. Try putting yourself in her shoes.”
“So what would you rather have me do? Stay with her and make her even more unhappy?”
“Of course not. I’m not telling you not to end things. But don’t tell her about that kiss.”
“But she will want to know why I so suddenly decided that we shouldn’t be together anymore.”
Donna sighed.
“I’m not saying don’t be honest about your feelings. I’m just saying spare her from knowing that you betrayed her trust. She doesn’t need to know about that kiss.”
Mike swallowed. “How does that make anything better?”
“By showing her some goddamn respect.”
Mike sighed. “I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I am. But Mike, I can’t clean your mess up on both ends. Rachel will come to me, and I will be there for her. I won’t tell her anything, but I can’t deal with Harvey at the same time. You two will have to sort your mess yourself this time.”
“I see.”
“But I’ll check on him tonight. You do think I need to?”
“I don’t know. He seemed better, but you know he hates infidelity, so…”
He heard Donna sigh. “I’ll go to his place right now before he can do anything stupid.”
“Thank you, Donna.”
“This is the last time I’m cleaning up after you, Mike. You hurt the two people I love the most. You better don’t break Harvey’s heart too.”
Mike snorted. “Me? Break his heart?”
“I won’t get in between you two. This is…Harvey wouldn’t want me to…just talk to him after you sorted the mess with Rachel. Let him calm down a bit and then have an honest, open conversation like grown-ups. But don’t go all ‘gay panic’ on him.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.”
With that, she hung up on him and Mike was left alone with his thoughts again.
When Mike returned to their flat, Rachel was already sound asleep. He lay down on the sofa in the living room and spend the night staring at the ceiling, thoughts racing through his head and shame fighting hope within himself. Harvey didn’t hear a key pushing into the door’s lock this time. He sat at one of the floor-to-ceiling windows of the condo, staring out into the night. To his own surprise, he hadn’t crumbled into another panic attack when Mike left. He had just been sucked in by a black hole that drained all positive thoughts from his brain and left him feeling hollow. His shame was eating him up faster than it could scare him and so he was busy just staring at the city lights, his thoughts running in circles that barely even made sense anymore.
It took his mind a moment to notice the hand pressing his shoulder and the familiar voice gently saying his name. When Harvey finally turned his head, Donna was kneeling next to him. Looking at the worry in her eyes somehow through him back into reality with a bang and he felt tears forming in his eyes. “I fucked up”, he whispered, his voice trembling. Donna rubbed his arm up and down. “You’ll fix this.”
He let out a sad chuckle. “How on earth would I fix this?”
She smiled. “You’re Harvey. There’s nothing you can’t fix.”
Harvey shook his head. “You don’t know what I’ve done.”
Donna looked at him, a knowing smile on her lips. “I do.”
He frowned. “How…?”
“Mike called. He didn’t want you to be alone. And I think he was right.”
Harvey looked to the floor and let out a shivering sigh. “I’ve turned into the person I never wanted to be.”
Donna put her hands on his shoulders and gently shook him. “You’re not your mother, Harvey. You own up to your mistakes. And you don’t force people to lie on your behalf.”
He looked at her, a pain in his eyes that she had last seen when Mike had gone to prison.“Rachel is my friend.”
Donna nodded. “I know. But friends fuck up sometimes. It happens.”
“But not this…”
She sighed. “Come on, let’s get you off the floor. This is a tad too dramatic for you.”
They shared a chuckle and Harvey nodded, getting to his feet, and wiping the corners of his eyes.
“Thank you for coming over.”
Donna snorted. “And here I was, thinking you’d throw me out before I could even step through the door.”
Harvey nodded. “I’m working on that.”
Donna sat down on the sofa with a frown. “So. Do you want to tell me what happened with you and the puppy? Because as complicated as this might be, I’m dying to know the details.”
Harvey pouted. “It’s…” He sighed. “You were right.”
“Oh I know I was right. Just skip to the part where you realized that I was.”
“I always knew that I…liked him. I just told myself I didn’t. But him always being there for me made it more difficult.”
Donna crossed her legs and leaned against the cushions. “Not that I absolutely hate that you did whatever you did while he was still with Rachel, but would you mind spilling the tea on what ‘being there’ implies exactly. Because you can’t tell me you just kissed out of the blue.”
Harvey rubbed his chin and leaned against the kitchen counter behind him.
“Something’s changed since he came back from prison. There have been…” He let his tongue wander over his back teeth, asking himself how to put this. “It has been a little weird between us lately.”
“Come on. Weird how?”
He sighed. “Ok, if you must know…” he shrugged “There has been holding hands, fucking cuddling even. Shit like that.”
Donna gasped. “Oh my god. Has this been going on for weeks?”
Harvey shook his head. “I thought it meant nothing. He was there for me when I was…I thought this was just him being a friend.”
Donna let out a laugh. “Okay. But then?”
Harvey shook his head, his gaze glued to the floor. “But then we had dinner tonight and he suggested watching a movie together afterwards and he sat so goddamn close and then…I don’t know. He just stared at me and mumbled something like ‘who are we even still kidding’ and one thing led to another.” He looked at Donna, who was barely holding back a grin, his own face serious. “I tried to stop myself. I really did. But he…I had to know.”
“So you let him kiss you?”
Harvey shrugged.
Donna’s grin grew. “How was it?”
He snorted. “Donna, please.”
“Oh come on, don’t be a prude. Was it what you expected it to be?”
He didn’t answer, but his lips twitched into a half-smile and Donna nodded. “I knew it. You are madly in love with him.”
“I’m not…”
“Oh please. Enough with the bullshit. You don’t only want to get into his pants, you want him to be yours. And as much as I think you should have given him the chance to talk to Rachel first, I am rooting for you idiots.”
Harvey let out a surprised laugh. “What?”
“Listen, Harvey. I love you. You’re family to me. So is Mike. And I have been watching you two dance around each other from the sidelines for too long. You belong together. You love each other, even after all the shit you pulled through, side by side.” She shrugged. “I say go get him.”
Harvey stared at her, puzzled. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
Donna rolled her eyes. “I didn’t mean right now. But when he’s settled things with Rachel and you feel ready, you should finally tell him how you feel. Because the way I see it, he is infatuated with you but completely unsure if you’re just flirting with him or are in it for real.”
Harvey blinked, swallowing. “I think your Donna-senses might be betraying you this time.”
Donna smirked and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “See I know what you’re trying here, but I’m not biting. I am not going to explain your own feelings to you. And I am not going to explain Mike’s to you either. This shit is between you two. It is your job to sort it out and your job to work on your trust issues and self-hate and whatever it is that has been bothering you so much lately. I am your friend and I want you to be happy. But I am still angry with you.”
“Donna, I…”
“No.” She stood up. “You have to work on letting people in, Harvey. You must work on your relationships. I can’t always do it for you. It never works.”
For a second, Harvey looked like he was going to snap at her, but then his jaw relaxed, and he nodded. “I know.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. And I’m working on it.”
“Good.” She smiled. “That’s good.”
Harvey sighed and sat down on the sofa, raking a hand through his hair.
He took her hand and she sat down next to him again. “Thank you for being here. I needed this.”
She smiled. “I know.”
They both chuckled and Harvey cleared his throat.
“You should go home, get some sleep.”
Donna pressed his hand. “Are you going to get some?”
He shrugged. “I’ll try.”
“Okay.” She let go of his hand and stood, turning to him before walking to the door.
“One last thing. I know your stance on infidelity, and I am angry because Rachel is my friend, but the thing is: You didn’t split them up. They were over the minute Mike was discovered a fraud. Hell, they were over the minute Mike met you which means they were doomed right from the start. Don’t beat yourself up about this. You are not your mother.”
Harvey just stared at his feet, silent. She looked at him, smiling.
“Call me when you need me.”
He nodded. “I will.”
“Goodnight, Harvey.”
“Goodnight, Donna.”
Harvey rubbed his hands through his hair with a sigh once Donna had closed the door behind her. He felt drained. Like he had run a marathon with a bag full of stones on his back. The happiness that had briefly exploded within him just a couple of hours ago seemed like a distant dream now. There wasn’t even fear left inside him, only exhaustion. He was too tired to even think about any of the things Donna had said. He just wanted to sleep. So he walked to his bedroom, crawled under his blankets, closed his eyes and checked out from reality for a bit.
When the sun rose, Mike had already made coffee, cleaned up the flat and texted Donna to clear Rachel’s schedule for the day. He felt stupid for preparing a breakup like an anniversary, but those were the only things he could think of to make this any less horrible for Rachel. He had also already booked himself a hotel. In any other scenario he would have crashed at Harvey’s after breaking up but that didn’t seem like a good idea right now, and he wanted to give Rachel space. Pacing up and down in the living room, Mike flinched when Rachel’s alarm finally went off. His stomach was a bag of knots, and his heart was racing in his chest, but he was still sure about the decision he had made. But when Rachel turned up at the doorframe to the living room in the blue Pajamas that he had given her for their first Christmas, a sleepy smile on her face, his heart broke. “Good morning.” She walked over to him, a smile on her lips and wanted to kiss him, but he held her back on her hip and swallowed. “Rachel, we need to talk.”
She frowned. “What happened?”
He sighed and pointed at the chairs around the dining table. “Let’s sit.”
She followed him to the dining area with a wrinkled forehead. “I’m not liking the sound of this. Are you okay? You look like you haven’t slept a wink.”
They sat down, and Mike nodded.
“I didn’t.” Rachel’s worried expression let the knots in his stomach grow and entangle further. He focused his gaze on the tabletop. “Listen, Rachel, I…I am sorry. I never in my life planned on ever hurting you. When we fell in love, I thought we were going to be endgame. You have always been the most wonderful, supportive partner one could ever hope for. You are beautiful and smart and funny and thoughtful and I…” His voice quivered. “I am the biggest idiot in the universe for doing this, but I…we…” He looked up and met Rachel’s eyes. They were already swimming in tears. “No.” She shook her head. “Don’t, Mike. Please.” Her voice was barely a whisper but her words still cut like a knife. Mike bit his bottom lip. “Rachel, I loved you. I loved the idea of us. And we were great. But prison changed me. I no longer am the man that you fell in love with. I thought it was just because I needed to find my place in the world again, but it’s more than that.”
“What the hell, Mike?” There was a hint of anger in her voice now. He knew he deserved it.
Mike sighed. “I don’t know how to say this. I…” He rubbed at the corner of his eyes. “I’ve been lying to myself for years.”
“About loving me?” The anger in Rachel’s words was dominant now.
“No.” He looked at her, a tear streaming down his face. His gaze was met by a furious expression in her eyes. He knew she was going to get really angry once he told her what he was about to confess. But she needed to know that it had nothing to do with her but everything with him.
“I loved you. I did. Still do. But I…” He took a deep breath. Forcing the actual words out of his mouth was so much harder than he had imagined. “I tried to fight it. I really did. But I…” He shook his head. Why was this so hard?
“What, Mike? Why would you throw away what we have? Is it some other woman?”
Mike swallowed. “It’s Harvey.”
“What?”
Her eyes widened and she looked like he had just told her cats could fly. “Is this some sick kind of joke?”
He shook his head, kneading his hands on the table. “I’m sorry. It’s not.”
“Then what are you saying?”
Mike too another deep breath and got to his feet. He started pacing up and down. Sweat formed on his forehead. He knew that if he didn’t say it now, he’d never be able to admit it. He stopped in his tracks and forced himself to look Rachel in the eye. “I have feelings for him. Have had them for years. And I didn’t want to accept it. Because I was in love with you and because I thought I was straight and…it doesn’t matter. I hurt you and I’m so, so sorry.”
Rachel blinked. Tears fell from her eyes. She just sat there, silently staring at him.
“Rachel,” he begged. “Say something, please.”
She just kept staring at him.
“I’m sure you must hate me now. So please, shout at me. Throw things at me. I deserve it.”
She wiped her eyes in one swift motion and got to her feet. “You do.” She took a shaking breath. “I’m going to stay with my parents until I’ve found a place.”
He took a step towards her and wanted to put a hand on her shoulder, but she pushed him away.
“Don’t fucking touch me.”
“Rachel, please. I’ll leave. You can stay as long as you like.”
She shook her head. “I don’t want to have to see this place a second longer.”
Rachel pushed past him to the bedroom and started pulling a bag from the cupboard, frantically throwing clothes into it. Everything inside Mike wanted to follow her and try to talk to her, but he knew he had no right. He just mumbled another “I’m sorry’, grabbed his own bag from the wardrobe and left to give her space.
He walked a full block before he stopped in his tracks, leaned against a wall and let himself slide to the floor, a sob escaping his lips.
*Taken from the lyrics of "Nothing breaks like a heart" by Miley Cyrus
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 21 – I will walk your way, and call your name, and wait for your reply*
Harvey woke from the early morning sun falling on his face. He groaned, vaguely remembering that he had forgotten to draw the blinds before going to bed, and rolled on his stomach. His face buried in his pillow, his mind slowly surfaced from the fog of sleep. Harvey‘s one minute of peace was over as his brain dutifully reminded him of the things that had happened last night. He groaned again, waiting for anxiety to rise in his stomach and send him running to the toilet. It didn‘t come. He rolled on his back, blinking against the cold light of morning. His whole body felt heavy. It seemed to him like he was sinking deeper into the mattress as he lay there, staring at the ceiling and asking himself when exactly his life had started going off the rails. His arm resting on his forehead, he tried to stop his brain from replaying every wrong decision he had ever made, but it didn‘t do him the favor of obeying. Harvey swallowed against the dryness of his mouth and tried to remember what his therapist had told him. No feeling lasted forever. No bad day lingered longer than 24 hours. He already sensed this was going to be a bad one, but that didn‘t mean all coming days would feel the same. Even though it was hard to imagine things ever going back to normal after last night, Harvey forced himself to get out of bed and into his running gear. If he was going to pity himself, he could at least do that while getting some fresh air.
It was a beautiful and crisp early fall morning and the streets of New York were crowded as ever. Harvey tried observing his surroundings rather than focusing on his inner torment, but it was trickier than it had been last week. His brain kept switching between memories of those damned kisses and all to well known burning self-hatred. It made the useless butterflies in his stomach rise and flutter and fall to ashes over and over again. He tried running from his thoughts, jogging his usual round through central park, stopping at the pond to do some stretching and when that didn‘t do the trick, he picked up the pace and decided to keep moving. The exertion helped enough to at least make him feel a little less heavy than earlier and so the thought of returning to his condo seemed rather horrifying. Harvey left the park and continued his run, aimlessly turning on one corner and continuing straight on at another. Soon enough, he was panting and his feet were hurting, but the pain in his chest drowned everything out. By now, his mind was stuck in a loop of questions. All of them were about Mike. Had he lost him as a friend? „Of course you have, you idiot“, he silently told himself. „You destroyed what you had because you were greedy for more and now your best friend will never speak to you again.“ But what if what Mike had said last night was real? What if the younger man really wanted more than that friendship? His mind had another nasty answer for that one. „He has a fiancée. One which used to be your friend. You should be ashamed.“ And ashamed he was. Ashamed enough to keep running when his legs started cramping and his toes felt like they would soon be falling off. A part of Harvey desperately wished for Mike to explain to him how he really felt about Harvey. There had been answers in the man‘s eyes last night. It was more than curiosity, Harvey could tell. But was it simply attraction, loaded with friendship and a pinch of pity? And did it even matter? Even if Mike had actual feelings for Harvey that exceeded friendship – and to Harvey, that thought still seemed absurd – what difference would it make? He was to be married to Rachel and he was better off that way. But hadn‘t Mike said he was going to break things off with her? His brain had a dark reply for that one, playing the memories of his mother promising to him that she would stop cheating on his dad. Harvey stopped, clenching his teeth and forcing himself to take slow breaths through his nose. He suddenly felt like kicking something, but held his anger back, unsure how well his recently healed up foot would take an encounter with the hydrant on the street corner. A side stitch made him bend forward and lean on his knees. He took a couple of deep breaths and decided to head home. All vigor seemed to suddenly leave him and all he wanted was to get back to bed, pull the covers over his head and wait for the day to pass him by. Harvey wiped the sweat from his forehead and looked around, asking himself where his aimless run had even lead him. For the first time in an hour, he actually focused on his surroundings and rolled his eyes when he recognized where he was. His subconscious had led him to the district of Mike‘s and Rachel‘s place. The will to run returned to his extremities and he headed in the direction of his condo before he could accidentally run into Rachel and just die of shame on the spot. Two street corners later, his heart nearly stopped. A crouched figure sitting on the steps of a building caught his eye and his insides felt like he had been hit by lightning. Before his mind could come up with reasoning, worry made him walk over to said figure.
„Mike?“
The man lifted his head. His eyes were red and glistening with tears. Once he recognized Harvey, he wiped the tears from his cheeks and got to his feet. Mike cleared his throat. „No use in saying this is allergies, I guess.“ He tried for a chuckle, but it didn‘t look very convincing. „What are you doing here? Isn‘t this a little far away from your usual running track?“
Harvey frowned with worry, ignoring his question. „What happened?“
Mike looked at him with his brows raised as if he wanted to ask him if he was joking. „Oh, nothing in particular, really. Just the usual.“ The anger in his voice was barely covered by half-hearted sarcasm. Harvey touched Mike‘s upper arm before he could think about it. It was pure instinct. Mike looked hurt and he needed to make sure he was going to be okay.
„I mean it. What are you doing here?“
Mike‘s attempt of a smirk died halfway on his face. He shrugged, brushing Harvey‘s hand off in the process. „I just had a bit of a morning.“
Harvey swallowed. „You didn’t tell her, did you?“
The younger man clenched his jaw and shook his head, avoiding his gaze. „Depends on what you mean by ‚it‘.“
Harvey took a step back, rubbing his forehead. „Fuck, Mike, tell me you didn‘t.“
„That I didn‘t what, Harvey? Don‘t worry, I did not tell her that we kissed.“
Harvey looked like he had slapped him, as if even the mention of a kiss was enough to make him run. He didn‘t say a word.
„Fascinating that you can‘t even say it. It was only a kiss, Harvey. We didn‘t…“ He swallowed. „Nevermind. I told her we were over. And yes, I told her why because I am done being a liar.“
„So you did tell her? Why would you do that, you idiot?“
„As I said, I did not mention the kiss. I just told her that I…“ Mike shook his head. „Fuck this, I‘m not having this conversation. I‘ve got to get to work.“
Harvey followed when he started walking.
„I‘ve got a question for you, Mike. Why? Why would you throw the one good thing in your life away?“
Mike stopped in his tracks, facing Harvey. „The one good thing? Are you kidding me?“
„Rachel loves you. She truly does. Do you even know what that means? Having someone you can trust to be there no matter how bad the mistakes you make? Why on earth would you risk that? For what?“
Mike stared at him, his jaw clenched and his face rigid. He seemed to hesitate what to answer to that. Harvey frowned at him, a helpless and lost expression on his features. Mike‘s face softened. He let out a sigh. „Listen, Harvey, I have my reasons. But I‘m not sure you‘re ready to hear them.“
Mike put his hand on his own chest. „I know that I did the right thing. For me. That doesn‘t mean it was an easy choice because yes, I did love Rachel. But not enough. Not anymore. She is not what I want and I‘m not selfish or cruel enough to keep her in a relationship I‘m not really invested in anymore.“ He looked into Harvey‘s eyes. „Come find me when you‘re ready to really have this conversation. I for one know that you know that I…that this…“ he pointed at Harvey and himself „is really something other than a friendship. And there are a million things that I want to tell you that I bottled up for years. But I‘m not throwing them at you if you‘re not even on the pitch to catch them.“ Mike sighed. „You have stuff to sort out and I respect that. I can wait. But once you‘re done denying this weird thing between us, give me a call and I will explain myself. Just…give me some space as long as you‘re still figuring out what you think this is.“
Harvey‘s puzzled expression had changed to understanding and he nodded.
„Are you going to be okay?“
Mike chuckled. This time, at least one corner of his mouth truly lifted. „Am I ever not okay?“
Harvey raised his brows, but Mike shrugged. „I‘ll manage. It‘s not my first breakup after all.“
„If there‘s anything you need…“
„You know damn well what I need.“
Harvey wanted to protest, but Mike lifted his hands. „I really have to get to work now or my boss will have my head. Just…“ He walked away from him, backwards. „Take care, Harvey.“
Then he disappeared into the busy mass of commuters on the other side of the street.
Later, Harvey didn‘t really remember how he had made it back to the condo. The whole walk home had been a bit of a trance. His mind didn‘t seem able to process anything anymore. It was like he was too overwhelmed to even form one coherent thought, so when he finally returned to his flat, he walked straight into his bedroom, drew the blinds and buried himself under the blankets. The heavy sadness in his bones let him fall asleep before the panic had a chance to jolt him awake again. When he woke again, it was already getting dark. He checked the watch on his nightstand. Late afternoon. Harvey sat on the edge of his bed and stared out of one of his floor-deep windows. The streets were busy as ever with people getting home from work, on their way to catch a drink with coworkers or to have dinner with their families. God, what he‘d give for a drink now. Harvey swallowed and walked to the kitchen sink to get himself a glass of water. It clenched his thirst but not his desire for that burning in his throat, the blurred filter on his torturing thoughts. He sighed. Everything inside him ached for just one drink, but he knew it wasn‘t an option. He remembered his messy drunken self just a couple of weeks ago and knew it wasn‘t worth it.
His mind was a tangled chaos. He couldn‘t manage to hold a thought longer than a couple of seconds. Shame and confusion and that same heavy sadness from earlier where battling against each other inside him and made him weirdly calm, but also unable to focus. He sat on one of the stools at the kitchen counter, slowly sipping his water. A sudden ache hit him. He wished his father was still alive. He had always been the one to call in situations like this. Had always been Harvey‘s guiding light when it came to things concerning the heart or conscience. Even after everything…his Dad had been there for him without question. Always. He had been the one Harvey spoke to when he first understood that he wasn’t only into Women. And he’d been nothing but supportive. A sudden wave of long abandoned grief hit him and before he knew, he was on his way to the small storage room where a load of dust and nearly forgotten boxes awaited him. It only took him a minute to find the one box with important contents. Opening the lid, he uncovered the past he so often longed to forget. An old baseball glove lay atop a bunch of photos. He pulled them out and sat down on the floor between the boxes, crossing his legs. The first photo was a classic family portrait. Marcus standing next to him, Harvey holding bunny ears up behind his head and their parents next to them, smiling for the camera. A pang of pain shot through him. Harvey was twelve in this picture. When it had been shot, his mother had already started to bang their neighbor and had Harvey lying to his father about it. He swallowed and tossed the picture aside. The second one showed him practicing baseball with his Dad. A warmth spread through him. He remembered that day. He‘d been sixteen and studying for a test all week when his Dad peeked into his room, demanding he‘d get some fresh air. It had been a hot summer day, way too warm for sports, but Harvey knew they‘d had fun nevertheless. He shuffled through the pictures until he stopped at one of the rare pictures only showing his younger brother and him. Marcus was grinning like an idiot, Harvey‘s graduation hat put on his own head, his elbow resting on Harvey‘s shoulder. Harvey remembered Marcus making fun of „smart-pants Harvey“ all day but he also remembered seeing the pride in his brother‘s eyes. They‘d had plenty of differences over the years, but there had always been love between them. Harvey sighed. He knew Marcus‘s anger with him wasn‘t completely unreasonable. Yes, Harvey didn‘t like that Marcus never understood why he couldn‘t make up with their mother. But he very well knew how much his younger brother hurt because Harvey tended to keep to himself completely. Avoiding his mother had meant avoiding Marcus most of the last years and Harvey was aware of the hurt this caused his younger brother. He had always been the more sensitive, open, heart-on-his-sleeve one of the brothers. In contrast to Harvey, he had learned to deal with his demons by now. After dealing with his gambling addiction and cancer, Marcus had grown up tremendously. But Harvey hadn‘t really been around enough when he struggled. Old guilt tore in his heartstrings, reminding him of their last encounter. A tingle washed over him and fear was back with a vengeance. The memory of his escape from his brother‘s house wasn‘t something he was proud of. He swallowed. A part of him wanted to throw the old photos back into the box, but another, suddenly stronger part, longed for connection. He pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed Marcus‘s number.
His younger brother picked up after the third ring. *Chapter title taken from the lyrics of Runaway by Jess Ray
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Chapter 22 – And [when] you‘re under fire I will cover you*
„Harvey?“„Hi, Marcus.“Harvey swallowed against the lump in his throat, his fingers still holding the picture of Marcus and him. „Did something happen?“ Marcus‘ voice sounded way softer than the last time they had spoken when Harvey drunk-dialed his brother only to get into a fight. Harvey hadn‘t really thought about what to say before. He just knew he wanted to end their fight and that he missed talking to his little brother. So he forced himself to some honestly for once.„No. I mean, yes. But that‘s not why I…“ He sighed. „Listen, Marcus, I know I should have called sooner and I know you probably still don‘t want to speak to me. I just...I want to apologize.“„Are you kidding me? I tried calling you for weeks. I thought you didn‘t want to speak to me.“Harvey frowned. „Are you sure you dialed the right number?“„I called your office, but your secretary said you were taking time off. Since you never take time off, I thought it was your way of telling me to fuck off.“Harvey couldn‘t hold back a chuckle as he felt a weight lifted from his chest. „It wasn‘t. I am actually taking time off. I had no idea you tried to reach me or I would‘ve called you back.“He made a mental note to ask Donna later why she had kept this from him though he had his suspicions. „Anyway, I was a total drunk asshole the last time I called and also when I just left after my fight with mum. I have been a shit brother to you for a long time and I don‘t know if I can ever make up for that. I‘m sorry I left you alone with so much shit. It was unfair to you.“„Dude.“ Marcus voice sounded genuinely worried now. „Are you okay? You‘re not sick or something, right?“Harvey smiled. „No, I‘m not. I‘m just…going through some stuff at the moment. And starting to reflect on things I fucked up.“„So this isn‘t a ‚before I die‘ call or something? You just wanted to apologize?“„Yes. And just, you know. Speak to my brother.“He heard Marcus let out a sigh. „Thank god, you had me worried, man! First you take time off and now this…Are you sure nothing happened?“Harvey hesitated a second. „A lot happened. But I didn‘t call to dump my troubles on you. I just went through some old photos and…“ He swallowed. The Harvey Spector of a couple of weeks ago wouldn‘t admit to this, but this version of him was past acting like a distanced asshole. „I missed my little brother.“Marcus snorted. „Who are you and what have you done to my brother?“Harvey chuckled. „I‘ve taken him to see a therapist.“„Oh.“ He heard Marcus swallow. „Good for you. I…are you really okay? I had no idea…“Harvey sighed. „As I said, I didn‘t call to dump my stuff on you. I‘d rather know how you are doing.“„I‘m good, but…“„Kids alright?“„Yeah…“„And the wife?“„We‘re all fine. Stop changing the subject. You can‘t admit to me that you‘ve finally gotten into therapy and then not tell me why.“„I take it you‘re not that angry with me anymore?“„Man, you have a nerve. I stopped being angry with you twenty minutes after our last phone call. My wife busted my balls for not reaching out to you sooner than I – unsuccessfully – did. I know your quarrel with mum has nothing to do with me but I just…“ He paused. „It‘s tough to see past your façade sometimes, Harvey. I didn‘t understand your hurt for a long time.“„But?“„Well my therapist and I talked about this.“Harvey laughed. „Look at us, being grown-ups and talking about our shit with professionals.“Marcus chuckled. „Yeah, about time, huh? I‘ve been seing mine since rehab, to be honest.“„I‘ve been to therapy before, too. Didn‘t really work out great, but I‘m trying again.“„So will you tell me why?“Harvey put down the photo in his hands and rubbed his forehead. „It‘s a bit of a long story.“„I have the evening off. Katie and the kids are visiting a friend of hers. Some Mommy-Playdate stuff. I have time.“Harvey hesitated for a second. „I‘ve been having problems with panic attacks and anxiety for a couple of years. I thought it was under control but then the attacks flared up again when I visited you and mum. As a matter of fact, I had one when I fled your home. I was too ashamed to admit it back then, which is why I didn‘t even stop to say goodbye. I was being an idiot.“„Fuck, Harvey, I had no idea.“„Yeah, I made sure about that. I‘m good at hiding them. Or was. Before they escalated. I went into a bit of a spiral and I drank too much and…uh…“ He sighed. „I was in a bit of a dark place.“„Shit, I‘m sorry to hear that. Why didn‘t you call?“Harvey chuckled. „I did. But you were angry with me, so…“„Oh fuck.“ He heard something that sounded like Marcus had kicked something. „Harvey I‘m so sorry. I should‘ve known something was off when I noticed you were drunk.“„It‘s okay. How should you have known? But that‘s why I didn‘t try speaking to you again on this. I thought you hated my guts.“„What the…? You are my brother, for fuck‘s sake. I know we‘ve had our differences, but I could never hate you.“Harvey swallowed against the water welling up in his eyes. „Thank you.“„That‘s nothing you have to thank me for.“Harvey bit his lip to swallow a sob that was building in his throat, but it escaped him nevertheless.„Hey…“ Marcus‘ voice suddenly sounded softer than Harvey remembered it to ever have sounded. „What‘s going on? Are you crying?“Harvey let out a weird crossing between a sob and a chuckle. „I could say I‘m not but it‘s a little to obvious of a lie. Even for me.“„Is there anything that I can do?“He wiped his eyes before he answered, his voice dropping to a whisper. „I fucked up, Marcus. Big time.“„Tell me you‘re not going to prison or something.“„I‘m not.“„Is it Mike again? Something to do with the fraud-thing?“Harvey hid his face behind his free hand, trying to calm down enough to answer. „It has nothing to do with the fraud-thing.“„But with Mike?“„Uh-huh.“„Shit, something happened to him?“„No. I…it‘s complicated.“„It sure sounds like it. Listen. I don‘t like this. You sound fucking depressed and I just want to give you one of those hugs you hate so much. Let me get over there. Katie can handle the kids on her own for a couple of days.“„No, you don‘t have to…“„I think I do. Do you remember how you saved my ass the last time I fucked up? You were angry with me, yes. But you still helped me out. Let me return the favor and be there for my big brother, alright?“„You don‘t have to travel all the way to New York. I‘ll be fine.“„Dude, you admitted stuff to me that you‘ve been hiding for god knows how long and you started crying. The only time I ever saw you cry was at Dad‘s funeral. You‘re scaring me so I‘m checking on you, whether you want it or not. Either you let me come to New York, or you‘ll have to get your ass over here.“„I can‘t really leave right now. And I‘m not ready to…“„Run into mum. I get it. So I‘m coming to you. I‘ll book the first flight I can catch and book a hotel so you don‘t have to bother playing the host. I think it‘s about time we do this being brothers thing right, okay?“Harvey swallowed. „Okay.“„Good. I‘ll text you my flight once I‘ve booked. Keep your head above water in the meantime, yeah?“„I will. Safe travels.“„See you soon, brother.“„Marcus?“„What?“„Thank you. I mean it.“„Yada yada yada. I‘ve got to book that flight now. Laters!“They hung up and Harvey sat on the floor, the box of photos on his lap, a mixture of embarrassment, relief and pride in his brother on his mind. He looked at a photo of his dad, smiling brightly and warmth flooded his cold limbs. His dad would have loved his sons being vulnerable and open with each other. Maybe it wasn‘t to late to become the son he should have been all along.Donna was typing away on a memo of a meeting when she heard the angry clicking of heels. She braced herself with a sigh and looked up. Rachel stood in from of her desk, her eyes red and glistening, her lips a thin line. She banged her fists on the desks, anger tensing her jaw. Donna didn‘t even flinch. She stood up with a compassionate look and opened her mouth to speak, but Rachel was faster than her. „Did you know?“Donna looked around, alarmed by the volume of Rachels quivering voice that had already turned heads.„Let‘s go somewhere quiet.“„So you knew? Since when?“Donna swallowed, rounding her desk and putting her hand on Rachel‘s elbow. „Rachel I know you‘re upset and I will answer all of your questions. But let‘s not air our dirty laundry in front of the entire firm.“„Oh, fuck you. Still protecting Harvey‘s reputation, right? Because he‘s the only one who matters to you!“„Rachel, please. This has nothing to do with Harvey. I want to protect you.“„What from? Gossip? I don‘t give a shit if everybody finds out my fiancé for whom I waited when he was in prison ditched me for a stupid…“„That‘s enough.“ Donna grabbed her by the arm and dragged her all the way into the archive. Rachel fell silent, but looked at her as if she wanted to kill Donna.She locked the door, checked that the room was empty and sighed. „I am so so sorry, Rachel.“Her friend stood there, anger still burning in her wet eyes, arms crossed.„How long have you known?“„About what specifically?“„What the fuck do you mean by that?“„How long have I known that Mike had a crush on Harvey or how long have I known that he finally understood that himself? Because the answer to the second question is yesterday.“Rachel sobbed and leaned against the copy machine behind her for support. „And to the first?“Donna folded her hands and dropped her gaze. „Day one.“„And you never cared to warn me?“Donna looked her in the eyes, a sad smile on her lips. „In my defense, I thought it was nothing more than a crush. I had no idea Mike even was bisexual. I think he had no idea himself. And also, I thought his crush was so obvious that you knew and didn‘t mind.“ She sighed. „I mean I thought about speaking to you when Mike made the deal to keep Harvey out of prison because since then I suspected it was more than a simple crush, but…I guess I didn‘t want to hurt you. You had already been through enough.“„Yeah.“ Rachel snorted. „I have been through enough.“ A tear fled her eye. She wiped it away with a shaking hand. „I just don‘t understand this. Why this sudden revelation? I thought we were happy…But if he always felt this way…“ She started stuttering incomprehensible until her words fully turned into sobs. Donna crossed the short distance between them and pulled her into a tight hug. Rachel didn‘t resist for a split-second but held on to her like a drowning person to a life raft, crying into her shoulder. Donna‘s heart broke for her friend. She held her, stroking her back, until Rachel had calmed down a bit and only let out a few little hicuppy sobs and pulled away.„Did something happen between them?“Donna swallowed. „I wouldn‘t know.“„Of course you would. You‘re Donna.“„Rachel, even if I knew: What‘s the use? It wouldn‘t hurt any less, would it?“The young attorney shook her head frantically. „Oh my god. All those times Mike went over there to ‚help‘ Harvey…“Donna shook her head. „No, don‘t go there. It‘s not like that. Mike was really just trying to help Harvey as a friend. Nothing else.“„But Harvey…he…“Donna shook her head. „He tried to shove Mike away as hard as he could. So hard it nearly broke him. He never wanted Mike to break up with you. None of this was him trying to steal Mike from you, I swear. He was – is – in a horrible place and just accepted help from a friend. That‘s it.“„From a friend that he is in love with.“Donna bit her lip. „So you know?“Rachel snorted. „I didn‘t find Mike as obvious as you seemingly did. But Harvey? Even I could see it. It seemed like a crush at first but the longer they worked together…he was never very subtle in hiding it. But I didn‘t think anything by it. I even…“ She shook her head. „I kind of pitied him because I thought it was unrequited. At least romantically. I thought Mike saw him as a brother and mentor. But romantically? I was clueless…“„I think Mike was pretty clueless himself.“Rachel sighed, running a hand through her hair. „But what changed so suddenly?“„That‘s something you should ask him, not me.“Rachel shook her head. „I can‘t. I would only get angry and…this is stupid, but I still love him. And this…understanding he is different than he thought he was, must be hard for him. I don‘t want to hurt him. Even though he… I saw in his eyes when he told me that he never wanted to hurt me either, but…“ She swallowed, her lips quivering. „He broke my heart, Donna. I wanted to marry him in a couple of months. He was my whole…everything. And now…my life feels like I have been living a lie.“Donna took Rachel‘s right hand and pressed it. „I understand this must hurt like hell. But you and Mike – that wasn‘t a lie. He loved you. Maybe even still does. But prison changed him. I can‘t tell you why he lost faith in your relationship. But I know he didn‘t make his decision lightly. He wanted to be as honest with you as he could before he did anything to hurt you even worse.“„Does it ever get better?“Donne frowned. „What exactly?“„The pain from understanding that the man you fell for fell harder for his best friend than for you.“„Ah.“ Donna smiled a knowing smile. „It gets easier with time. And Wine. And dating new men. And for me, understanding that Harvey had already given his heart away was kind of liberating. I spend years asking myself if we were ever getting our chance.“„But? When did you know it was hopeless?“„Mike‘s trial. I had little hope before then but witnessing first hand what Harvey was ready to do for him without hesitation? All the final proof I needed. I know Harvey does also love me, to a certain degree. And I love him. But sometimes, things are not meant to be because somebody else is just…I don‘t know…it‘s a different kind of love that Harvey has for him. I accepted that and now he‘s just my best friend slash boss and we‘re good. But yes, it hurt like hell at first.“Rachel nodded. „I understand why you couldn‘t tell me.“„I‘m still sorry.“ She sighed. „Let‘s get out of here and get some drinks. I already cleared our calendars.““Mike asked you to, didn‘t he?“„I‘m afraid so, yes.“Rachel rolled his eyes. „His fucking consideration makes me even more furious. I wish I could just…““Punch him? Let‘s discuss that over Martinis in detail. Plot some revenge. Trust me, just getting it out of your system is cleansing.“„Can I…“„Stay with me for a while because you‘re not ready to tell your parents yet? Absolutely.“„Thank you.“„Don‘t mention it.“Mike flinched when Oliver‘s pen hit his forehead. „What the fuck…?!“ He stared at the attorney with visible anger but only got an irritated raised brow as an answer. „What was that for?“Oliver frowned. „I‘ve been trying to get your attention for full five minutes.“ Mike shrugged. „I‘m trying to crack this case. I need to focus.“„You memorized that stupid file three days ago, yet you keep staring at it like it held the solution for world hunger. So what‘s really going on?“Mike rubbed his hand over his eyes. „It‘s nothing.“„Dude, you‘re so off your game today that you misquoted a paragraph in the opening speech you were writing for me. That is not like you. So tell me what‘s going on so I can cover for you once the boss notices.“Mike‘s jaw tensed. His thoughts were running in such complicated roundabouts it was giving him a headache and multiplying layers of guilt weighted down his shoulders so much he struggled to sit up straight. „I told you, it is nothing.“„Come on, you can talk to me.“Mike‘s fist landed on the table without him intending to. „Shut up and do your actual work for a change, Oliver. Maybe I won‘t even have to write your opening speeches for your trials anymore one day then.“Oliver stared at him, hurt. „At least I can legally call myself a lawyer.“Mike bit his tongue. The insult stung nearly as much as the pain already residing in his chest.His reply was as bitter as his mood. „Yeah, but only legally. We both know you don‘t have what it takes and it will forever bug you that the fraud could kick everybody‘s ass way easier than you‘ll ever even have the skill to.“Oliver shook his head. Got to his feet. Grabbed his back and started packing up.Mike sighed. Shit. „Listen, Oli, I‘m…“„Fuck you.“Oliver left before Mike could finish his apology.He let his head fall onto the file he‘d been staring at all morning without even noticing that he had already read it, and closed his eyes. Just when he was asking himself if this day could get any worse, he heard somebody clearing his throat behind his back.He looked up. His boss. Fuck.„Who gave you the right to talk like that to my employees, Ross?“„I‘m sorry. He hit the wrong note and I lashed out. I shouldn‘t have.“„No. You shouldn‘t. You also shouldn‘t come and go whenever you please or ‚work from home‘ as much as you do. You seem to be forgetting that you‘re still on probation here.“Mike chuckled. „Come on, my results are amazing. That‘s what counts.“„At your old firm that might have been correct. But here, we actually care about the way we get those ‚results‘. And how we treat each other. And about one another. So: What the hell is going on with you lately?“Mike swallowed. He felt his eyes burning and blinked. He was not going to cry in front of his fucking boss. Not in this pathetic law clinic. Not after everything. „Nothing.“„You‘re sure.“„Positive.“The other man shrugged. „Then pack up your shit and go. You‘re fired.“„What?“„Because I cannot trust you. You might have what it takes to win a jury over. But that doesn‘t matter because I can‘t put you in a courtroom. You‘re not a fucking lawyer. And you clearly don‘t understand that at this clinic, we treat people with honestly and respect. If your shitty behavior has no other reason than you thinking you‘re better than us while you‘re a convicted criminal, then get the fuck out of here.“ Ten minutes later, Mike stood in front of the clinic, a carton with his belongings in hands. A weird numbness took hold of him as he put the carton on the back of his bike and started cycling. How had his life gotten off the rails so much so fast? Barely noticing the busy afternoon traffic around him, he got honked at more than once before he arrived at what he too late noticed as the wrong destination. The appartement building that had been his home for years suddenly loomed over him like a heavy shadow pressing him into the ground. He looked up to the row of windows behind which he had spend so many great moments with Rachel. The woman he loved. The woman he betrayed. The woman he hurt. The tears gathered in his eyes before he could even blink. For a minute, he stood on the pavement, considering going in. But the thought of the space he had shared with her without her presence intensified the burning in his chest so much that he knew he couldn’t bring himself to go upstairs. Not now. He couldn’t bear laying in that bed that still smelled like her. Looking at the furniture that she had chosen. Drinking the wine, she had bought. It hit him then and there. His bike leaned against his hip; gaze glued to his appartement’s windows. He had just thrown away his life. Last night, his decision to break up with Rachel had seemed the only logical consequence, the right thing to do. He had been so sure of it that he never stopped to consider what this breakup might mean for him. Rachel had been the only part left of his normal life before prison. The last puzzle piece remaining of the life he used to love. Now there was nothing. Pre-Prison Mike Ross was gone. Now, he had no job, no partner, no family. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he had friends anymore. Donna was mad with him, Louis would kill him once he found out he left Rachel, he had successfully alienated Oliver, and Harvey, well, he seemed to be out of the picture, friends-wise. He was back to square one. Only that this time, there was no Grammy who’s shoulder he could cry into. No Trevor to get stoned with. He was, for the first time, really, truly alone.He shoved his bike away from his home, sick of looking at it. The weight on his shoulders seemed to grow, to press down into his chest and make it harder to breathe. It was like prison all over again. But this time, there was no cellmate to talk to. Just he, his thoughts and himself. Because he had done again what he was best at. Meant well and hurt everyone in the process. The words of his prison therapist came back to him. Was he really part of the problem? Still? Even after coming clean and stopping to be a fraud? Was lying second nature to him? Mike didn’t notice the people staring at him while he kept walking, his face wet with tears. He didn’t know where he was going until he found himself at the steps of the hotel, he had booked the night prior. On autopilot, he parked his bike, went up to his room, and drowned everything the minibar had to offer before he buried himself under his blanket. He had nearly fallen asleep, his eyes swollen and red-rimmed, when his phone buzzed. Once. Twice. A third time. Curious who’d even care enough to message him, he got up to check and pulled his phone from his jacket.
Harvey [22:36]I’m not sure if it’s okay to write you, so tell me if I should stop.
Harvey [22:37]I know this is all a mess. And I heard what you said this morning. But I still want to ask if you are okay. I’m not in the position to judge if you made the right call leaving Rachel. But I know it must have been hard for you. So, just in case you need to hear it: I am still your friend. Harvey [22:38]Didn’t mean that as ‘just your friend’. But still. Whatever this is we need to sort out, in the meantime, you can always talk to me.
While he was still reading, Mike’s phone buzzed again.Harvey [22:40]I understand that I am the last person you’d want to talk about this. I know you don’t want me to say it, but I am sorry. I should have pulled the brakes just as much as you. Because we both knew you were committed to somebody else.
And again.Harvey [22:41]For the record: I’m not drunk. Just trying to be honest. And while I’m at it: I’m also sorry how I handled things when you came to check on me yesterday. I know you meant well. Sorry for the chain of gibberish. This isn’t anything law school or my questionable upbringing prepared me for.Mike stared at the display and walked backwards until he hit the bed and let himself fall backwards. His head was spinning from the alcohol and too many thoughts and his chest bursting with too many conflicting feelings. He pulled a pillow over his face and screamed. The phone in his other hand buzzed again. He wanted to ignore it, but couldn’t.Donna [22:50]Hey there, just checking in. Rachel is staying with me for the time being. She is heartbroken and angry, but she sees reason. Give her some time and she will be ready to speak to you again. She also hasn’t told her parents until now, so Robert will probably not be on his way to murder you yet. Nobody at the firm knows, not even Louis. But he will probably find out soon as he always does. Harvey is keeping his head above water. I just spoke to him after Rachel went to bed – we had a couple of breakup drinks, but she’s fine – and he is really trying to pull himself together. Give him time, Mike. I know he will come round. As I said, I am rooting for you idiots. Which brings me to my most important question: How are you holding up? Can you also please just text Harvey back that you’re alive? You know him, he worries about you more than anyone else. Anyhow, keep your head up, kid. It’s all going to be alright again. <3Mike rubbed his eyes and swallowed before he started typing a reply to Donna:Thank you for being there for Rachel. I’m so sorry. For everything. Will text Harvey. Donnas reply came immediately.Donna [22:54]Don’t think I didn’t notice that you ignored my question regarding you. Are you doing okay?
Mike [22:55}Don’t worry about me.Donna [22:55]That does not answer my question.Mike [22:56]No. I am not okay. But it’s my own fault.Donna [22:56]Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes.
Mike [22:57]Not as frequent as me.Donna [22:57]Promise me to go to bed, get a good night’s sleep and not do anything stupid. Mike [22:58]Promise.Donna [22:58]Good. I can’t babysit on three fronts at the same time. Now text Harvey and get some sleep. Mike rolled his eyes, but smirked a little. It helped to know that Donna was angry with him, but still cared. He scrolled back to the chat with Harvey and hovered over the letters with his fingers. He truly didn’t know what to answer and deleted his message five times before he finally sent it.
Mike [23:15]Thank you. I’m ok. I know I fucked up in every way possible and I apologize for ambushing you like I did. Yesterday and this morning. I have stuff to sort through myself. Just, for now…this isn’t helping. I know you mean well, and I think you can guess how much I wanted to simply call you when I got your messages. But this complicated thing between us will only get worse if we act like it’s not there. I’m not ready to talk about it and neither are you. I think it’s better if we don’t talk. At least for a while. Until we both really have something meaningful to say.
Harvey [23:16]Understood. Harvey [23:17]That sounded harsher than intended. You’re right is what I meant.Will leave you be now.Let me know if you need anything. I’m here and not going anywhere.Mike [23:20]You’re a big old softie. Talk to you soon.Take care. I’m one call away if you need me.
Harvey’s answer was the middle finger emoji, followed by a thumbs up. Mike chuckled before he turned off his phone, rolled on his stomach and fell asleep. *Lyrics taken from Kodaline‘s „Brother“
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 23 - And I never minded being on my own // Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home*
The following morning, Harvey got ready for an appointment with his therapist. He would pick Marcus up from the airport in the afternoon. As nervous as he was about seeing his brother again after their fight that ultimately triggered his downward spiral - he was more scared of speaking to Katherine Porter again. He knew therapists were taught not to judge their patients. But he still was ashamed nevertheless. After telling her how much he hated infidelity in their last session, he felt like a hypocrite admitting what he had done since then. His heart raced in his chest while he walked up the stairs to her practice and he had to go to the bathroom and breathe against a panic attack before she called him in for his session. He still trembled when he sat down opposite her.
Katherine Porter smiled her open, affectionate smile and put her notebook on her lap.
“Hello, Harvey. I hope it is okay if I address you by your first name.”
He nodded.
“Great. You can also call me Katherine if you wish. But Miss Porter is fine too. I looked through the questionnaire you filled and emailed over. Before we dive into it, I’d like to know how you have been doing since our last session. How did your dinner go?”
Harvey couldn’t hold back a dry laugh. “Like absolute shit.”
She raised her brows, but quickly returned to a neutral face. “Can you elaborate on that a little more? You seemed rather confident when you last left me.”
“Too confident. I screwed up.”
She looked at his foot that was tapping against the floor. “If you want to stand while telling me, go ahead. I can see you’re uncomfortable, so it’s also totally fine to face the window instead of me.”
He nodded and got up, wandered in a tiny circle, his gaze glued to the rug beneath his feet.
“I’m a fucking hypocrite.”
“Since we’re still getting to know each other I’m not going to ask you to stop describing yourself in deprecating words. Why exactly do you think you are a hypocrite?”
Harvey kneaded his hands before he crossed his arms in front of his heaving chest.
“Remember, this is a judgement free place, Harvey. No matter what you tell me: You are still my patient and will still help you. It won’t change my opinion of you as a person.”
“I…”, he took a deep breath, forcing the words out while exhaling. “We kissed.”
Since he didn’t look at her, he didn’t catch the flicker of surprise twitching over her face.
“You and your friend you told me about?”
Harvey nodded. “His fiancée didn’t show because she was doing overtime, which, ironically, she had to because of filling in for me. So Mike and I had dinner alone. It was going great. We were talking and joking around. Like before all the prison-mess. But then he again suggested we watch a movie together. I should have said no after what happened the last time. But I…” He stopped, swallowing.
She nodded. “Go on.”
“We watched a movie we both like and started quoting things to each other. It’s a thing we do. Somehow, the atmosphere shifted. We moved closer until we were touching and then …I…I don’t know who started it. We kissed. Intensely.”
“And now you’re ashamed because he is in a relationship.”
“Oh, it gets worse. I don’t know what would have…if we’d…but the doorbell rang. It was his fiancée, who wanted to pick him up. He went home but came back later to talk. He meant well, but I tried to push him away. We fought and he left. I told him not to, but he broke up with Rachel the day after. We only spoke briefly when we ran into each other yesterday and…things are complicated. But the worst thing…” He looked up, trying to decipher what she thought of him by staring into her eyes. “The worst thing is that Rachel was my friend, and I still did this. I kissed the man who had promised to marry her. I destroyed what they had. And believe me when I say they had something great. She is an amazing woman. They used to be happy together. But I…” He felt his chest tighten and rubbed over it, trying to force some air into his lungs. “I destroyed it. I hurt them both and I had no right to do so.”
“Harvey, stop. Look at me.”
He stopped in his tracks and blinked as she got up to stand in front of him.
“Breathe with me. In through the mouth. Hold. Release through the nose. Slowly. And again. Good.”
He followed her lead, breathing on her command until his pulse slowed down, his chest widened and the panic declined. “Thank you.”
“Do you think you can sit down with me again?”
He nodded, and they both sat back in their chairs.
“I know your moral stance on infidelity and I understand you are distressed. It is great that you are speaking to me about it, even though you are ashamed. That is very brave. Especially since you knew it would most likely trigger a panic attack. That is progress and you just started therapy. So you should be proud of yourself. As for the rest: You know I am not here as a moral compass or to judge anyone or anything. From my neutral standpoint, two people have understood that they want to be close to one another. There is no harm in that. The relationship of your friend is also not your responsibility. I understand that you didn’t want to hurt his fiancée – especially since you are friends with her. But we all hurt people we like from time to time. It’s human. I know this is difficult, but try putting it into perspective. If Mike…, that was his name, wasn’t it?”
Harvey nodded.
“If Mike kissed you – or kissed you back, whichever exact way it happened doesn’t matter – that means that he wanted to be intimate with you in that way. Knowing he was with someone else. And as I understood you, he then left his fiancée because of his feelings for you. He solved the triangle, so to say. I know that doesn’t make anything any less complicated. But consenting adults are allowed to try things. To change their minds. To grow out of relationships. To develop new feelings. It’s not a crime.” She made a note in her notebook before she continued. “What worries me is that you think you ‘destroyed’ something.” She leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, fixing her gaze on his eyes. “Intact relationships rarely break because of an external force. They break because the people in the relationship evolve or change or don’t try to make it work. It is not your fault.”
Harvey’s jaw tightened. “If I had kept Mike out of prison, their relationship would have never been unstable. They would have long gotten married and be happy forever. Mike deserves happiness. As does Rachel.”
Katherine sighed. “Okay. I see several complex aspects to unpack here. I read about the trial and Mike going to prison in your questionnaire. It is pretty obvious that you still feel guilty. I’m not the law so I’m not here to judge if what you did was right or wrong. But to me, it is clear that what you did, you did out of love. Mike deciding that he wanted to own up to what he did was his decision. He didn’t ‘take the fall’ for you as you phrased it in your notes for me. Yes, you hired him and helped him pretend. But posing as a lawyer was ultimately his decision. You both made a mistake and I get why you wanted to take the bullet for him. I’m not saying employing him under false pretenses was a good decision. I’m saying that you are too fixated on feeling guilty about other people’s decisions. It starts with you feeling guilty about not sharing your mother’s infidelity with your father immediately after you found out about it, it continues with you feeling guilty for Mike taking the deal and it ends with you thinking that it is your fault that your friend’s relationship failed. You focus very little on judging yourself by your own actions and very much on not being able to influence other people’s actions. That is not healthy and I think you already know this.”
Harvey avoided her gaze and blinked against the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. It was like Katherine was looking right through him. Her analysis was so spot on that he felt something inside himself untangle. It hurt and felt like a relief at the same time to be this exposed in front of someone who was basically a stranger. “You’re good at your job”, he managed, before the first sob escaped his lips.
She reached for a box of Kleenex and handed it to him. He accepted one with a chuckle, wiped his nose and tried not to focus on the shame rising into his blushing cheeks. Harvey hated crying in front of anyone. It was the kind of weakness that made his skin crawl.
“I’m feeling very cliché crying at the therapist.”
Katherine smiled. “I rarely ever come across a patient that doesn’t ever cry during a session. It’s healthy. There is a reason that our body has the ability to cry. It helps releasing tension, connects us with our emotions. Helps us express what we feel. All of those are good things and nothing to ever be ashamed of, no matter what society has told us.”
He sniffled and wiped his eyes while taking a big breath. She gave him a minute to calm down before she asked him another question.“I poked a pain point, right?”
He nodded.
“How do you feel understanding that you cannot control what other people decide or what happens to them?”
Harvey shrugged, fumbling with the wet Kleenex between his fingers. “Useless.”
“You don’t like not being in control.”
“It’s not like I want to control other people.”
“You want to protect them.”
“I guess.”
“Protect them from what?”
“Stupid decisions.”
“You think somebody protecting you from harm or wanting to be intimate with you are stupid decisions?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“But it’s what you’re saying. When you say ‘Mike deserves happiness’, it sounds like you find it impossible that he could ever be happy with you. Why is that?”
Harvey sighed, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms in front of his hurting chest.
“You’re really only bringing the big guns out today, aren’t you? You would have made an amazing lawyer.”
She smirked. “As much as I sympathize with your deflecting humor, it doesn’t really help you getting better. Ask yourself – and you can take your time with this – why do you think you’re not worthy of Mike reciprocating your feelings?
Harvey swallowed. He knew the answer to this question all too well. He thought he wasn’t good enough. But he didn’t feel ready to admit this out loud.
“I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for me to…start any kind of relationship.”
“Why is that?”
Harvey chuckled. “Me being who I am? The state I’m in?”
Katherine sighed. “It is okay to figure things out. Everybody is constantly figuring something about themselves and their life out. Most people don’t admit it, but life doesn’t come with a manual. It gets difficult. You going through a growth-process by working on your trauma is not a reason to stop making new connections. It might be wise to take things as slow as you feel necessary and to be open about the process that you’re in with a potential partner. But just because you have trauma, just because you are learning how to deal with anxiety and panic, doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of love. Just because you make mistakes – as every human being does – that doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of love. You are always worthy of love.”
The last sentence hit Harvey like a punch to the gut. He felt his eyes turning wet again without really knowing why.
She handed him the Kleenex box without comment again and he took it without hesitation.
“Can I ask something about your mother, Harvey?”
He nodded.
“Did she ever give you the feeling that being loved by her was bound to the condition of keeping her secret? That if you revealed it to someone, she, and maybe even your father and brother, might love you any less?”
Harvey swallowed. Looked to the floor. Blinked against a tear that fell from his eye. And nodded.
“Did your father or brother ever imply that you knowing about your mother’s affair or revealing it was what broke the family apart?”
Harvey nodded again.
“I see.” He heard Katherine’s pen scratch over her paper. “I am very sorry you had to go through that. It must have been horrible. I understand that you are still angry with your mother and that there have been tensions between you and your family in the past. I am angry with your parents for putting their child through all of this. It’s cruel and you did not deserve it. You do not deserve to be made responsible for other people’s mistakes.”
Harvey looked up, blunt surprise on his face. “You mean I’m not an asshole for holding a grudge?”
“Of course not. If our parents do something that hurts us, it is way harder for us to recover from it. It takes a lot of work to unlearn the patterns build by something like your mother did. It’s one of the things I’d like to work on with you. It is going to take time, but my goal is to make you see that you deserve happiness as much as the next person. You need to learn to own up to your own actions, not those of other people.”
Harvey squirmed. “Sounds like a lot of work.”
“It will be. And I’m going to be frank with you: it will hurt and feel uncomfortable and counter-intuitive at times. But it’s worth it. To heal, we sometimes need to have the courage to wade through the hurt we piled up inside ourselves first. I’m here to guide you through it. You are not alone in this process, and I am confident that I can help you feel more comfortable in your own skin – faster than you might think.” She gave him a warm, reassuring smile and he instantly felt a little less like shit.
“Alright.” Katherine made a note in her notebook. “That was more of a deep-dive into your trauma than I intended for today’s session, but it’s great progress that you were willing to share this with me. Before I let you off for today, let’s get back to what is on your mind at the moment: Your relationship with Mike. How are things now between you two? You said you fought and talked again afterwards. Can you explain to me what exactly happened?”
Harvey talked her through the confusing conversations he’d had with Mike since the kiss and answered a series of questions about how everything made him feel. Katherine listened to him, calmly reassured him that all his feelings were valid and that it was alright to be confused.
“No one expects you to always have everything figured out. I understand that you have feelings for Mike. But you want to give him – and yourself – space. That is very healthy. As long as you both communicate openly, I think your relationship will benefit from it – wherever it might go from here.”
“No advise on how to fix this mess?”
She chuckled. “I’m not a love-coach. I’m afraid you’ll have to figure out what you both want yourselves. But I’m here to listen and help you figure it out. Though I do believe that you already know pretty well what you want from Mike. You’re just not willing to admit it to yourself yet.”
“Ouch. Shots fired. Again.”
She lifted her hands. “Sorry. I’ll stop dropping truth bombs on you for today. I can see you’re exhausted, and we don’t have to uncover everything in one session. Before we close for today, I would like to ask you if there’s anything else that you would like to discuss.”
Harvey sighed and hesitated for a second. “My brother, who loves our mother and was angry with me in the past, is visiting. After speaking with his therapist about me and…a phone call between us. I think he worries about me. Says he wants to be there for me.”
She smirked. “That sounds like a positive thing. But you’re worried it is going to be triggering for you?”
“I’m worried we will end up fighting again.”
“I understand. If he crosses a line in conversation that you’re uncomfortable with, let him know. Try to be open about what hurts you. Tell him about your struggles if you feel ready to do so. Are you two close?”
“It’s complicated. I think we would like to be better brothers to each other than we used to be.”
She smiled.
“It’s great that you two are talking and that he wants to be there for you. We can speak about how you felt around him next week too. If there’s any emergency, you can of course still call me during my hours. But I’m sure you got this.”
Harvey chuckled.
“What exactly?“
She winked at him. “All of it. Just trust your gut a little. I’ll see you next week.” It was nearing noon when a knock from housekeeping finally woke Mike from a nightmare-filled sleep. He sat up with a groan just as the maid pulled her head back from his room and closed the door again. For a second, he was worried about having overslept. Then the realization that he no longer had a job dawned on him.
„Fuck.“
He threw himself back into the pillows, pulling his forearm over his eyes. With absolutely no idea what to do with the day or his life in general, he lay there, hoping to fall asleep again. But his body wasn‘t tired enough, even though it felt heavy and raw.
He dragged himself into the shower. Getting rid of the nightmare-sweat on his skin did the trick of making him feel more like himself again. After drying himself off, Mike skipped through the channels on the television, thinking about which of his many messes he should attempt to solve first. His stomach grumbled. Mike smirked. Feeding himself was one of the easier tasks on his list, so he’d tackle that one first.
Taking his bike to ride to his favorite bakery felt like a wise decision. The crisp fall air helped battling Mike’s light hangover and the cinnamon roll he inhaled with a couple of bites calmed his stomach. Unsure what do to next, Mike found himself getting back on his bike, going for an aimless drive. As long as he moved, he felt like he was doing something, even if in truth, he was trying to run from his problems.
His mind was racing with so many thoughts that he could barely focus on the road. Which is why he stopped when he noticed that his subconscious had led him to the place he usually visited when he had fucked up.Father Walker lifted his head when Mike knocked against the doorframe. His face lit up with a smile. “Mike! It’s good to see you!” He stood from his desk, gesturing to the chair opposite of himself. “Please, sit.”
Mike shook his head. “Would you be up for a walk?”
Father Walker looked at him with a frown. “Did something happen?”
“Do I ever end up here without anything having happened?”
The other man chuckled. “A walk it is then.”
The leaves of the trees in the churchyard were already turning the golden kind of orange Mike had loved since being a kid. He smiled, thinking for a second about how beautiful fall in New York always was and a quick thought about going on a lengthy walk with Harvey passed his mind. He swallowed. That seemed an unlikely possibility.
Father Walker, who had been following him in silence for a couple of minutes, eyed him with a worried face. “What is going on in that stubborn head of yours today?”
Mike sighed. “Too much.”
“Maybe start with what brought you here.”
Mike swallowed, kicking a tiny chestnut that must have fallen from its tree early.
“I fucked up. Again.”
“Do you have another conflict with the law?”
Mike shook his head. “That’s not it. Although I am unemployed again.”
“But I thought the clinic…”
“Yeah.” Mike ran a hand through his hair. “They fired me.”
“Because of your record?”
“No. They knew about that. They fired me for being unreliable.”
Walker frowned. “That doesn’t sound like you.”
“I’m not really myself at the moment.”
“What happened?”
Mike stopped in his tracks. “I’m not sure you want to hear what happened.”
“Why is that?”
“It might collide with more than one of your beliefs. And I’m not sure I’m ready to be hated by you too.”
When he saw a glistening in Mike’s eyes, Father Walker put a hand on his shoulder. “Whatever it is, Mike, I will still be there for you.”
“But you might no longer respect me.”
“Why would you think that?”
Mike threw his head back, swallowing, before he shook his head.
“The catholic church doesn’t approve of what I did.”
“Did you cheat on Rachel?”
Mike nodded. “Yeah. But that’s not all.”
Walker frowned. “Of course I disapprove of infidelity Mike, but I also think that people make mistakes and do deserve forgiveness if they are willing to change their behavior.”
“Change their behavior?” Mike felt a sudden rise of anger inside his stomach. “What if someone is unfaithful because he found out that he has feelings for somebody else? Real, deep feelings that have always been there?”
“That happens. And it’s human. The pope might disagree with me on this, but you should know me enough to know that I think love is what matters in the end. If you’re in love with another woman and no longer love Rachel, ending your relationship might be the right thing to do.”
Mike couldn’t hold back a laugh. “See, there’s the problem.”
“You don’t want to break up with her.”
“Oh, I already did. It hurt. But I had to. For both our sakes.”
“That must have been difficult. But your feelings for that other woman must be very strong then.”
“There is no other woman.”
Walker frowned so deeply that Mike wasn’t sure the wrinkles wouldn’t imprint on his forehead forever. “I don’t think I understand. You said you had developed feelings for somebody else.”
“Yeah.” Mike nodded. “I did.” He swallowed and looked away, trying to escape Walker’s gaze. “I know you won’t approve or even understand if I tell you so maybe I just…I should go.”
He had already nearly reached the edge of the churchyard, when Father Walker’s voice caught up with him. “It’s Harvey.”
It sounded more like a statement than a question and Mike froze on the spot, his heart hammering in his chest. He didn’t dare to turn around as he heard steps behind him. Didn’t want to see the disappointment on the face of the man who was the closest thing to a relative he still had. Didn’t want to hear that he was wrong.But then Walker was in front on him and before Mike could give in to the bubbling anger and start ranting about how it was the 21st century, the priest pulled him into a hug. Mike was so perplexed he just stiffened in the short embrace and took a step back when the other man released him. Walker’s expression was something between compassionate and worried. Mike opened his mouth to say something, but the priest shook his head.
“I’m very sorry you thought you couldn’t come to me with this.”
Mike swallowed. “Please don’t tell me that there are ways to overcome my feelings. Because I assure you – there are none.”
“I would never do that. It is a shame that the catholic church mostly disagrees with me on this, but I for one do not love or respect you any less if you are gay.”
“Bisexual.”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s not like I’m sure it’s the right label for me yet, but I think I’m bisexual.”
“Okay.” Walker put his hand on Mike’s shoulder again. “I just want you to know that I respect love between two men or two women the same way I respect it between a man and a woman. A lot of my colleagues are stuck in a horrible past, but I am not.”
Mike nodded. “I didn’t see that coming. I was prepared to get into a fight and never speak to you again.”
“Is that why you came here? To find an outlet for your anger?”
Mike shrugged. “Maybe. I’m just…” He shook his head. “I wish I knew what to do.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened? The whole story?”
“I don’t want to take up your afternoon. You probably got things to do.”
Walker chuckled. “Come on, let’s sit down at my office and you can tell me what’s on your mind over a cup of coffee. It’s the least I can do after making you think that you’d ever have to hide who you are from me.”
Mike frowned. “You didn’t.”
“I did. I failed in ever showing you that you could be who you are around me. I just assumed you were heterosexual and that was wrong of me.”
“If it makes you feel any better: I also assumed I was heterosexual until a couple of weeks ago.”
Walker smirked and guided him to his office, where Mike quickly spilled all of his tea.
After telling the whole story of how he had always had a crush on Harvey and quickly brushing past the admittance that there had been a bit of sexual exploration in college that he had never put any label on, Mike explained how his feelings towards his former boss had dawned on him in prison. How he had fought against them while he worried about Harvey and tried to piece his life with Rachel back together. How they had gotten closer, and how he ultimately couldn’t act like he didn’t love Harvey. Walker just listened to him, asking a careful question here and there, nodded and let him speak without ever intercepting. Once Mike was finished, he felt drained, but a little relieved.
“Thanks for taking my confession. I think I kind of needed that.”
Walker smiled. “That’s what I’m here for.”
“Any advice? Sixty Ave Marias and I’ll feel better?”
“Mike.” The priest looked more serious now. “I think you have been in love with Harvey for years. It's nothing you can pray away. It’s something you can act on or not. I can tell you what I think you should do. But in the end, it is your decision.”
“You know I’m dying to finally have somebody tell me what to do.”
Walker laughed. “Aren’t you always?”
“Hey, just because I mostly did the opposite that doesn’t mean I don’t value your input.”
“You did take my advice when it came to owning up to the crimes you committed. And I’m still proud of you because of it.”
Mike shrugged. “It was just good advice. I needed a moral compass back then.”
“I don’t think you need one now. I think what you need is a nudge.”
“A nudge to do what?”
“To stop being scared of your own courage. You were honest with Rachel. Now go and be honest with Harvey.”
“But he…I don’t think he is ready. I don’t think I am.”
“Mike, have you considered that Harvey maybe needs to hear what it is you feel about him? That it would be easier to accept what is between you two if you just named it?”
Mike laughed. “Harvey’s not an idiot. It’s obvious that I’m in love with him. Even Donna said so. Hell, even you just guessed it based on…what exactly?”
Walker looked at him, his gaze honest, ignoring his question on how he guessed that he was in love with Harvey. “Are you sure it is obvious to Harvey? Are you sure he knows what exactly it is you feel for him even though you yourself only understood it a couple of days ago?”
Mike made a mental note to one day ask Father Walker again if even he had always secretly guessed Mike was in love with his boss, before he sighed “I mean I kissed him.”
“And there is no way he could mistake that for a crush or a heat of the moment action or a slip-up? Because if what you told me about Harvey is true, he might be pretty clueless about how much he actually means to you.”
Mike opened his mouth for a snarky reply, but out came nothing but a quiet ‘oh’.
“Maybe you two should talk. I mean really talk. I understand that you want to keep your distance, but don’t put too much distance between the two of you or you might lose him to his or your own doubts.”
“But Rachel…”
“Do you still love her?”
“In a way, yes. I used to really love her. It changed. But breaking up with her still hurt.”
“You don’t have to hop from one relationship to the next. But I think you still need to face the music here, kid.”
“Meaning?”
“If you wait too long, you might make this thing between you and Harvey even more complicated.”
“What if he doesn’t reciprocate what I feel?”
Walker shrugged. “You’d want to know that before you fall even more in love with him, wouldn’t you?”
“Wow, sometimes I hate your wisdom.”
“You asked.”
Mike nodded. “I just…it’s a lot.”
“I know. If there’s anything I can ever help with, you know where to find me.”
“Thank you, father. I mean it.”
They finished their coffees, and Mike left with a heart slightly lighter than before. Maybe Walker was right. Maybe Harvey and him really needed to finally sit down and actually say out loud was going on between them. Mike promised himself to sleep on it and suggest a meeting sometime soon to Harvey tomorrow. Then he got back on his bike and just drove. *Chapter title taken from the lyrics of Florence & the machine's "Wish you were here"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 24 - I've got my mistakes on loop inside my head, inside my head*
After his session with Katherine, Harvey had felt significantly calmer. The anxiety and shame had both dropped to a bearable level. He had spent his day cleaning the appartement and working on some paperwork that Donna had sent over to his place. Finally being able to focus on something work-related was a relief. Harvey had felt more like himself than in a good while. Until it was time to go to the airport. He was more nervous about seeing Marcus again than he wanted to admit. Harvey was still making up his mind on what he wanted to share with him and what he didn’t. It was okay for Harvey to share his mental struggles. He was past feeling ashamed about them. But the thing with Mike? First of all, Marcus would find him, the usual moralizer when it came to infidelity, a hypocrite. And second of all: Marcus had no idea his brother was bisexual. It was a fact that Harvey had only ever shared with his father. And he wasn’t sure he could bear any less than supportive reaction from Marcus. Harvey was waiting for his brother at the arrival gate with a nervous stomach. He lifted his hand to an awkward wave when he spotted him. Marcus immediately frowned and made his way towards him, his expression unreadable.
“Hey, how was your flight?” was the last thing Harvey managed to say before his brother had made his way over to him, dropped his luggage and pulled him into the tightest hug since the day their father had died. Harvey was perplexed for a second before he hugged back, hitting Marcus on the back as a sign that he wanted to be released. But Marcus held on tight for a moment longer before he finally let him go. His frown deepened as he looked Harvey up and down. “You look like shit.”
“Yeah, I’m happy to see you too.”
Marcus picked up his bag and evaded Harvey when he tried to take it from him.
“You lost a lot of weight. Are you sure you’re not sick?”
Harvey sighed, his jaw tightening. A voice in his head told him to deflect with a snarky reply, but he bit back the urge. He knew deep down that Marcus was just concerned and as little as Harvey liked people worrying about him, he was glad that his brother even cared. After their last fight he had doubted meaning anything to his younger brother anymore.
“I am sure. It’s just a side effect of…you know.”
Marcus nodded. “If you say so. Honestly, you look like you should see a doctor.”
Harvey rolled his eyes as he walked to the car. He nodded to Ray as he opened the door for them and slid onto the backseat. Marcus handed his bag over to Ray before he joined him.
An awkward silence fell over them as the car started moving towards the condo. After a couple of minutes, Harvey cleared his throat.
“Everyone alright at home?”
“Uh-hm. Kids wanted me to give Uncle Harvey a big hug.”
Harvey smiled. “I’d say you made good on that promise.”
Hs brother chuckled. “It’s good to see you, Harvey. I mean it.”
“Likewise.”
“You had me fucking worried, man.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Marcus shook his head. “No more apologies, okay? We’re both sorry and that’s that.”
“Okay.” Harvey sighed. “I booked you a nice hotel but I thought we could get to the condo first. Found some old photos I thought you might like to see. We can catch up, I can cook something. That alright with you?”
“Yeah. Sounds good.” He chuckled. “I don’t remember when I last had anything you cooked for me.”
Harvey thought for a moment, frowning. “When you were in 8th grade probably?”
“You mean the horrible Mac & Cheese you used to make?”
“Come on, it wasn’t that bad.”
“It was a box recipe and you still managed to always make the sauce too runny.”
Harvey elbowed him and they both laughed.
“I like to think I’ve become an above average chef since then.”
“I sure hope so or I’ll drag you to the nearest burger place and have you pay.”
“I guarantee you, my food’s better than some fast food place.”
They got to the condo and Harvey made good on his promise, cooking a simple but elegant pasta dish that his brother inhaled within minutes, cursing Harvey playfully for being ‘too fucking good at everything’. They looked at the photos Harvey had discovered in his old boxes, sharing childhood memories, and slowly aired out the weirdness that had been hanging between them for months. Harvey relaxed into the conversation, glad that Marcus wasn’t trying to confront him about either his mother, the fact that he wasn’t drinking while his brother had a beer, or the problem he had hinted about on the phone. They just bickered, talked about the kids, Marcus’ job and soon enough, Marcus said goodbye with a yawn and a promise not to show up again before noon the next day. He wanted to get a present for Katie’s birthday the following month while he was in town. They agreed to have lunch at a place that Marcus had always frequented when he was in New York and said good night. Harvey did the dishes after he left, had a cup of tea watching an episode of his newest binge – Mr. Robot – and went to bed. He fell asleep immediately, too tired for another thought spiral. Meanwhile, Donna held Rachel’s hand. She was sitting cross-legged on Donna's sofa, her mobile on her lap.
“If you’re not ready yet, you don’t have to call them.”
Rachel looked at her friend and swallowed. “I do. If my father finds out by accident, he’ll kill Mike.”
“How would he?”
“I don’t know. But I know that as soon as Louis knows, I am doomed. He cannot keep a secret for the life of him. And he was eyeing me suspiciously already today. He asked me if I was okay twice and only scolded me mildly when I handed him some overdue paperwork. He is onto me.”
“Even though Louis is the worst scandalmonger that ever walked the earth, I doubt he would call you father to tell him about it. Robert and him aren’t exactly friendly…?”
“You know how our world works. Louis gets agitated when he finds out about it, has one of his usuals fits and the whole office knows. From there it’s basically only two steps until every lawyer in New York hears the rumor that Robert Zane’s daughter and her ex-felon fiancé broke it off.”
Donna sighed. “So what are you going to tell them?”
Rachel swallowed. “I’ll say that I ended it” she shook her head, chuckling sadly “my father will be overjoyed. My mother probably secretly too. They never saw Mike and his lack of a degree as my equal. They won’t ask too many questions.”
Donna pressed her friend’s hand. “I admire you being the bigger woman and all that. But are you sure you don’t want to tell your parents the actual truth?”
She shook her head at Donna. “We both know my father. . If my father finds our why Mike and I really split up, he’s not only going to kill Mike. He would declare a vendetta against Harvey and the firm. And I won’t let that happen. I won’t do that to you or Louis or Jessica.”
They hugged and Donna rubbed her hand over Rachel’s back. “I always admired your loyalty. I know women who would be hellbent on revenge if they were in your place. But just so you know: you don’t have to do this. I will always be your friend, no matter what.”
“Thank you.” Rachel swallowed. “In case something actually becomes of…Mike and Harvey…” she had to take a breath to fight back the tears gathering in her eyes “you should probably advise them to lay low if they don’t want my father to add two and two and come to stomp Pearson Spector Litt into the ground.”
“Don’t worry about it. This is not your mess to take care of. You have every right to be angry and take care of yourself first.”
Rachel blinked and a tear fell from her eyes.
“I am angry and sad and hurt. But…” She shrugged. “This isn’t like he cheated on me with a random woman. He just…understood something about himself and ended things before he could hurt me more than he needed to. And Harvey is my friend. As angry as I am that Mike didn’t have the courage to tell me sooner than he did, I can’t hate them. It would be easier for me, but I just can’t.” She shrugged and a sudden sob escaped her. “I just want Mike to be happy.”
Donna squeezed her shoulder. “You want me to leave or stay while you speak to them?”
Rachel swallowed, looking at her with pleading eyes. “Stay?”
Donna nodded. “Of course.”
After telling her parents – which were barely able to hide their joy about getting rid of Mike – Rachel took a day off and handed the task of telling Louis to Donna. They had agreed on telling him some milder version of the truth, but Donna still knew he was going to find it out eventually. He reacted calmer than Donna had expected when she told him that Rachel and Mike had called it off.
Louis leaned back in his char. “This came later than I expected. How is Rachel holding up?”
“She is devastated but trying to keep it together.”
The lawyer nodded. “Please let her know that she can take as much time off as she needs. She has worked enough overtime in the past to lick her wounds as long as she wishes.”
Donna nodded. “That’s very kind of you, Louis.”
His eyes narrowed into slits. “Rachel is my friend and I know how much she has been through with Mike. Why should I not be kind? I am a kind person.”
“Of course you are. I just expected you to be more busy cursing Mike.”
Louis shrugged. “I mean it’s his loss. But if you ask me, the two never made the most sense.”
Donna looked at him quizzically and Louis threw her a knowing smile.
“Come on, Donna. Even I’m not that blind so I’m pretty sure you know what I mean when I say that Mike always loved somebody else at this firm way more than Rachel.” Since Donna didn’t answer him but just stared at him, speechless, he leaned forward. “In an ‘I’ll go to prison for you’ kind of way, you know what I mean?”
Donna tried to keep a poker face but could not hold back a smirk. “I had no idea you knew.”
Louis chuckled. “I didn’t. But I had my suspicions.” He crossed his arms. “Is there something going on between them?”
Donna sighed. “Keep you nose out of other people’s business.”
He grinned. “Well I think that’s answer enough.” He laughed, but then his expression suddenly changed to anger. “Mike didn’t cheat on Rachel, right?”
Donna shook her head. “He ended it before anything serious could happen with…anyone else.”
Louis nodded. “I see.” He scratched the back of his head. “Well it’s going to be awkward when Harvey and Rachel are both back at the office. I mean…poor Rachel.”
“About that…” Donna folded her hands in her lap.
Louis threw her a threatening look. “No. Don’t say it. Don’t say my favorite associate is leaving us. Don’t you dare say it.”
“She is thinking about it. It would make things easier for her. Not only because she wouldn’t have to see Harvey or the office in which everything reminds her of Mike. But also because the bar would see that as a sign that she cut ties with her past. It would make it way more unlikely for the ethics committee to question her motives. She’d pass the bar with flying colors.”
“Damn it.” Louis threw his head against the backrest of his chair. “She’s fucking brilliant. And we’re losing her because of that idiot fraud and his failure in self-awareness.”
Donna threw him a look. “Keep this quiet, Louis, or I promise I will end you.”
He chuckled. “No worries. I know you might expect me to be a hot-headed asshole about this, but these are our friends we’re talking about. I learned my lesson when my anger pushed Harvey over the edge.”
Donna frowned. “I don’t think it did, Louis. Your argument might have been a tiny puzzle piece, but he was in knee-deep beforehand.”
Louis shrugged. “Maybe. Anyway, my lips are sealed.”
She got up with a frown. “They better stay sealed, or I’ll put my stapler to good use.”Louis watched her leave. His smile dropped the second she was out of his office. He grabbed his phone and started dialing. Mike hesitated. He had put the key into the look but lacked the courage to turn it. This morning - after a sleepless night full of questions he couldn’t answer - he had decided to check out of the hotel. He knew it was only a waste of money since Rachel didn’t want to stay at their flat either. And since he was now unemployed without any idea what to do about it, the last thing he needed was to keep wasting money. That was the reasonable argument. But his feelings didn’t much care for it. Every fiber of him resisted entering the appartement that he had spend so many happy hours with Rachel in. He would maybe have spent a good portion of the forenoon standing in the hallway neither leaving nor going in, when his phone started vibrating in his pocket. Not keen on having his neighbors listening in, he finally unlocked the door and went inside before he picked up. He regretted not checking who it was calling him after just a split-second.
“What the fuck were you lowlife thinking hurting that amazing woman you never deserved in the first place? Are you out of your goddamn mind?”
Mike swallowed. “Good Day to you too, Louis.”
“Shut up and listen. I don’t care about your relationship drama. I don’t even judge you. But you will fix your mess and make sure she stays with the firm, or I will end you. Is that understood?”
Mike sat down on the couch with a frown. “Wait, what? Rachel is leaving the firm?”
“Yes, you genius. Can’t imagine why. Must be such an idyllic idea to keep working alongside the man your fiancé chose over you.”
“How…?”
“Oh I just know. You might all think me an idiot, but I’m not blind.”
“Please tell me you didn’t give Harvey a friendly call like this.”
“What? No. Harvey is my friend. And just as a warning: If you break his heart too, I’m coming for you.”
“What exactly do you want me to do?”
“Talk Rachel out of quitting. She belongs with the firm. She worked too hard for her place with us to throw it away because of you.”
“I don’t think she’ll listen to me.”
“You owe her to at least try. You put that woman through hell for nothing.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. But I can’t ‘fix’ this. How would I, of all people, make her stay?”
“By making sure that Harvey stays away until she has had the time to move on.”
“What?”
“He’s still taking time off. Convince him to turn it into a sabbatical or whatever.”
“How on earth would I do that? You know he only took time off because he was miserable. The minute he gets better he will come racing back to work.”
“Not if he gets to spend time with you instead. It’s all he wants.”
Mike couldn’t hold back a laugh. “I think it is you who is out of his mind. Harvey isn’t even speaking to me at the moment.”
“Seems like another thing for you to fix.”
“I’m sorry, Louis, but I can’t.”
He heard Louis make a sound that reminded him of an angry dog.
“You have to try. What you did wasn’t only stupid. It has consequences for Rachel’s career. For the firm. For Harvey. Own up to it, you asshole. And do it fast.”
Mike wanted to reply something, but Louis had already hung up on him. He let the phone sink from his face and stared at its black display. Why on earth did Louis know what was going on? Had Rachel told him? Would Louis tell others? Would this be a danger to Harvey’s career? What if clients heard about the rumor? Harvey still being friends with the fraud he had allowed to work right under his nose was one thing. But the suggestion that there was more than that. Mike could only imagine that some of them would not take that lightly. Especially the more conservative ones. And what about Rachel’s career? If she really was planning on leaving the firm, she would have to start over again. Climbing the ranks, winning over trust. Everything she had build with Louis and Donna and Harvey would go to waste. Mike swallowed, closing his eyes, wishing he could take the kiss back. Wishing he could switch his feelings for Harvey off. Wishing he wouldn’t constantly hurt people.
A clicking sound made him flinch and reopen his eyes to another person entering the apartment. His heart caught in his throat. It was Rachel. He stumbled to his feet, catching her gaze. She looked awfully tired and her whole posture screamed of a broken heart. Something clenched in Mike’s chest while she kept staring at him.
“I should go.” Her voice sounded unsteady and rough. It put another nail through Mike’s hurting chest. “No, please don’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were coming.”
Rachel stood in the doorway, her key still in hand. She seemed to consider her options. “I am going to my parent’s place for a while and just wanted to collect some of my things.”
He nodded. “I – can I help you with anything? Or…I can go if you want.”
She looked at him. Her lip started quivering. She closed the door and made a step towards him.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
She took a deep breath as if she was gathering courage.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why wait this long?”
Mike’s mouth felt as dry as the desert as he tried to swallow the bitterness of the question.
“I just…” he hesitated. “I know it must sound like a lie, but I didn’t understand it until recently.”
“But how? Donna knew. How couldn’t you understand it yourself?”
He shrugged. “I just told myself so many times that I didn’t have feelings for him that I had started to believe it. And I didn’t want to see the truth. I didn’t want to lose you. So I just…pushed it down.”
“You love him.” She said it like a statement, not a question. Mike evaded her gaze by staring at the floor. He nodded. “I wish I didn’t. But I do.”
Rachel let out a sigh. “Don’t.”
He looked up, puzzled. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t wish for that. I don’t wish I didn’t love you. We had…” she cleared her throat to stabilize her voice “I am grateful for what we had. And I don’t regret it.”
“But I regret ruining it.”
She shrugged. “You are just staying true to yourself. Maybe I should be angry, but I can’t. I’m sad. But I understand you had to do this.” She crossed her arms in front of herself like she wanted to hold herself physically together. “I am glad that you were honest with me instead of going behind my back.”
Something in Mike shattered. Donna’s voice echoed in his head, telling him that sharing the full truth with Rachel would only hurt her further. But he felt like a hypocrite keeping it a secret. Before he could stop himself, the confession started tumbling out of this mouth.
“You have every reason to hate me. I should have told you the truth sooner. Before anything happened. But the truth is that I…” He stopped himself. Rachel looked at him, brows raised.
“That you what?”
“I kissed him the night we were invited for dinner.”
She opened her mouth, but no words came out.
He made a step towards her, regret written all over his face. “I’m so sorry, Rachel. I didn’t plan on it. It just happened and then you came to pick me up and I couldn’t immediately tell you because I was so confused…”
She raised her hands, taking a step backwards. “I don’t need to hear this.”
“I’m so sorry.”
She bit the tip of her tongue, anger showing on her features. “You know what, Mike? I am not. I’m glad. Because now you know how I felt when I kissed Logan and you were all righteous anger and resentment.” She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you no longer believe in the two of us. There’s nothing to be forgiven or discussed. You want my absolution? You can have it. We are over and you are free to do whatever you want.”
He swallowed another apology waiting on his tongue and nodded. “Please don’t quit at the firm because of this. You worked too hard to get to where you are.”
Rachel chuckled. “Who told you I was leaving?” She didn’t give Mike the opportunity to answer her question. “You know what? Nevermind. I don’t care. But I won’t stay because you ask me to. I’ve done too many things out of love for you and it stops now. I need to get away from all of this.”
“But all your hard work…”
“Will be valued elsewhere. How am I supposed to look Harvey, my actual boss, in the eye after what you just told me? How am I supposed to act normal working for him?” She shook her head. “How am I supposed to stand the gossip once word gets out that you are together?”
“We are not together.”
She frowned at him. “So you ended things between us for what exactly?”
“I…it’s complicated.”
“You either love him or you don’t. There is nothing complicated there.”
Mike wanted to tell her that he wasn’t sure if Harvey reciprocated his feelings, but he bit his tongue and just nodded. She watched him, head tilted to the side.
“Oh my god, you blind idiot.” She rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe I am the one telling you, but he is infatuated with you. It is so obvious I can’t believe you still haven’t realized it.”
Mike clenched his jaw, tried to process what she was saying without asking her any insensitive questions. “Whatever happens, your career should not be impacted by it.”
Rachel snorted. “Oh, what you have done in the last years has impacted my career plenty already, thank you very much.” Mike squirmed under her sarcastic smile, and she sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be cruel. I just…I cannot stay at the firm. I need a fresh start. Somewhere away from Harvey’s shadow. And yours.”
“Please don’t take my mistake out on him. He tried to push me away. He really did. I didn’t let him. It was my fault.”
She rubbed her hand against her forehead, the keys still dangling between her fingers. “I don’t hate him. I know that Harvey and I were never actual friends. I was the girlfriend of his friend and that’s it. Other than that, all I ever wanted was his respect.”
“He does respect you.”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, Mike. How often do you want me to say it? I can’t stay. It hurst too much. You must let me move on and get over this. Maybe, someday, I will see things differently. But for now, I have to leave.” She looked at her wristwatch. “And I need to start collecting my stuff. My Uber is picking me up in twenty minutes. Can you maybe take a walk in the meantime? I can’t…” She swallowed. “I would like to do this alone.” Mike left the flat to give her the space she needed and started an aimless walk around town. Thoughts were once again racing in his head. A part of him was relieved that Rachel knew the truth now. But he knew that relief had come at the price of hurting her – again. He sighed, hating that the question how everyone could be so sure about Harvey’s feelings about him was the one at the front of his mind. How could everyone think that Harvey actually loved him? Even considering the possibility made him nervous. He didn’t even dare to hope that Harvey ‘I don’t do feelings’ Spector would ever allow the possibility of an actual relationship forming between them. But he started to ask himself if maybe he was wrong. If maybe everyone else was right and he really was the idiot in this (AN: HE REALLY WAS). Father Walkers advice popped back into his head. He stopped in his tracks and looked up to a cloudy sky, wishing he had his parents or granny to talk with. But he knew that even then, the decision was ultimately his. After a moment of hesitation, he pushed the doubts in his mind away and pulled his phone from his pocket to start typic.
Mike [12:15]
We need to talk. I know I said I would wait, but I can’t. There is too much at stake for me to keep living in this limbo. Please call me when you get this. I need to see you.
He switched his ringtone on, pocketed his phone again and kept walking. He had nothing better to do anyway.
A couple of blocks later, his phone buzzed in his pants. He hated how his heart jumped in his chest as he fumbled it out of his pocket, checking with trembling fingers for the message he had received.
Donna [12:45]
What the fuck, Mike? Why did you tell Rachel about the kiss? She called me and wanted to know if I knew about it. You have no idea what shitty situation you have put me in. I had to admit that I lied to her. She is furious and hung up on me. Friendships might be expendable to you, but they aren’t to me.
Mike felt another pull on his heartstrings. He quickly texted back.
Mike [12:47]
I am sorry, Donna. It slipped. I didn’t want to make things awkward between you two.
Donna’s reply came immediately.
Donna [12:48]
You just wanted the weight off your conscience. You didn’t care it would hurt her. Or me. Or anyone. You know why? Because you’re a selfish prick, Mike. You drag other people in your exploding life decisions over and over and over. I’ve had enough of babysitting you or solving your messes. God help you if you screw things up with Harvey.
The message stung like a knife. The dark cloud living in Mike’s head doubled in size, weighting his shoulders down and prickling in his eyes.
Mike [12:51]
I deserve this. I am sorry. If there is anything I can do, let me know.
Donna [12:51]
You can shut up and leave me out of your bullshit from now on.
His phone rang while he was still reading Donna’s message. Hoping it would be Harvey, he picked up. It was Louis again.
“Rachel just called to hand in her resignation. What the fuck have you done, Mike? She was just thinking about quitting, but now she has made her decision. What on earth did you tell her?”
Mike swallowed, searching for words, but none came. “I’m sorry Louis.”
He ended the call and switched his phone off. Everything after that happened on autopilot. Buying the booze and drinking most of it on his way to numb all the pain and shame and confusion, he was already drunk out of his mind before he arrived. Going for a swim seemed like a fun distraction to him at that point, so he dove into the sea headfirst, in full clothing, paying no mind to the fact that it was autumn or that he was alone and drunk in the middle of nowhere. The waves dragged his phone out of his pocket and him further out with the tide.
It was a brief flicker of survival instinct that had him swim back to shore after a wave collapsed over his head and send him into a water-coughing fit. He stumbled out to the beach, his legs shivering under him the minute his wet clothes met the gushing wind. He reached for the bottle he had stashed under the bench, lay down and took a sip with shaking limbs. His thoughts made no sense anymore. He smiled and kept drinking. *Chapter tiitle taken from the lyrics of "Why am I like this?" by Orla Gartland
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 25 - There was a cold wind blowin' when I left that night*
After Marcus took way longer than expected to pick out a gift for his wife Katie, Harvey and him agreed to change their lunch to an early dinner.
It went much better than Harvey expected. Harvey felt completely at ease in his brother’s company which hadn’t happened in years. Marcus seemed to sense that Harvey needed nothing more than a distraction and indulged him in easy conversation. They talked sports and movies and stories about Marcus’ children, sharing laughter over good food. Two hours passed without Harvey even thinking about the firm or Mike or his mother. It was like taking a mental holiday from the chaos in his life and Harvey was thankful that his brother had given it to him. Therefore, he wasn’t angry when his brother finally addressed the elephant in the room during dessert.
“So, uhm.” Marcus shifted in his seat, visibly uncomfortable. “Do you want to talk about what has been bothering you lately?”
Harvey put down his spoon and pulled the napkin from his lap. He took his time folding the piece of cloth neatly before putting it on the table and placing his sweaty palm over it. He let out a deep sigh. “It’s complicated.”
“Try me”, Marcus smiles, “or don’t. If you don’t want to tell me, it’s fine. Just…on the phone it sounded like you wanted someone to talk to. Someone other than your therapist, I mean.”
Harvey hesitated. It was true. He craved to tell someone about his dilemma. Someone who wasn’t professionally obliged not to judge or hand out moral advice. And part of him also really wanted to be honest with his brother.
“I don’t really know where to start.”
“You mentioned it having something to do with Mike. Maybe start there.”
A chuckle escaped Harvey’s lips. “That doesn’t make it less complicated. But I can try.”
Marcus just gave him an encouraging nod and Harvey leaned back on the soft leather bench he was seated on. “Alright”, he rubbed his forehead. “I guess I should just rip off the band-aid first.” Chewing on the inside of his cheek, he gathered his courage and forced the words out of his mouth. “I never told you this before, but I am not exactly heterosexual.”
Marcus watched him with a neutral expression and looked at him like he wanted him to go on.
“To be more specific, I am bisexual. Meaning I am both into women and men.”
Marcus let out a snort. “I’m not an idiot, Harvey. I know what bisexual means.”
“Anyway, it’s what I am.” He shrugged, hoping for and dreading a response at the same time.
Marcus leaned on his forearms and smiled at him. “Thanks for sharing this with me. I’m sorry you thought you couldn’t tell me this before.”
Harvey lifted his brows. “That’s not the reaction I anticipated.”
“Why?” Marcus crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Did you think me a homophobe?”
Harvey shrugged. “No, but…I don’t know.”
“Hey.” Marcus reached across the table, placing his hand on Harvey’s arm. “You’re my big brother. We might not always see eye to eye, but I would never judge you for who you feel attracted to. And besides, I might already have had my suspicions.”
Harvey raised his brows. “How?”
“We grew up together. I notice things. I just wasn’t sure if my observations were correct.”
“You could have asked!”
“I thought that would be insensitive! I thought maybe I was wrong or you didn’t know yourself or didn’t want to share it.”
“I once shared it. With Dad.”
Marcus nodded. “I see.” He let out a sigh. “See, old me would get angry now, but therapy, right? I get that you didn’t tell me. We weren’t exactly close for a long time.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m glad you told me now. But back to topic. Am I right thinking that you might have the hots for the dude that nearly had you end up in prison?”
Harvey rolled his eyes. “That’s not how I’d phrase it. And he went to prison because of me, not the other way around.”
“But I am right?”
After brief hesitation, Harvey shrugged. “I like him.”
“Like him or like-like him?” He narrowed his eyes. “Or worse?”
“Worse.”
“Oh.” Marcus slowly nodded. “I see.” He blew up his cheeks and let his lips make a plopping sound. “My big brother. In actual love. Now that’s something I really didn’t see coming.”
“Yeah.” Harvey fumbled with his napkin. “Me neither.”
“Do you want to tell me the story there?”
“If you want to hear it.”
Marcus chuckled. “Of course I want to know how anyone was able to crack your hard shell.”
“I’m not sure if you’ll like all parts of the story. Some of them will make me sound like a hypocrite.”
“Dude. I’m an addict. I of all people know that nobody’s perfect. Just spit it out.”
So Harvey did. And Marcus listened, asking a question here and there, nodding along and smiling when Harvey admitted that he’d had feelings for his friend for the longest time. When Harvey got to the part of the story in which Mike took care of him during his recent darker episodes, his brother apologized for not being there for him, even though Harvey protested.
“I never told you I was struggling. There’s no way you could have known.”
But Marcus wouldn’t have it. “That’s not true”, he stated, shaking his head. “I grew up with you. I know that you get defensive and angry when you’re hurt. And I should have guessed something was up when you visited. You were so tense, and I never even asked you why. I never even considered that my big perfect brother that always had everything and himself under control might have feelings. And that was on me. I should have cared enough to fucking ask.”
“I admit that I wouldn’t have told you anyway.”
“But you would have known that I fucking cared.”
Harvey swallowed as he saw the regret glistening in Marcus’ eyes. “It’s okay, Marcus. I-“
“No”, his brother interrupted him. “It is not. You scared the shit out of me on the phone. Why do you think I flew here? When I say that I was worried, I mean it. I hadn’t seen or heard you cry since dad died. You’ve gotten way too good at hiding your feelings. But only because me and mum and even dad let you. Because we didn’t bother questioning the picture perfect life you appeared to have. And for that, I am sorry.”
“No need to.”
“I want to apologize, so just accept it. And finish your story.”
“You said ‘no more apologies’. Let’s keep it at that.”
Marcus rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Anyway: Mike and you got closer. What happened then?”
Harvey let out a sigh before he continued his tale of how Mike and him had ultimately moved into dangerous territory and finally shared the kiss that complicated everything. Once he had finished, he watched his brother take a sip of water and lean back in his chair.
“You thought I’d call you a hypocrite because of mum.”
It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.
Harvey shrugged. “I know you never understood my anger towards her.”
Marcus shook his head. “I don’t. And I never will. Doesn’t mean I can’t accept it.” He rubbed his hand over his face. “It’s about time I come to terms with the fact that we will never be the happy family I’d like us to be. With dad gone and you and mum estranged…it is what it is. If you don’t want to forgive her, that is your decision. And I…” he took a deep breath. “I’m tired of holding a grudge. There are more important things. Life is short. And you…” Marcus chuckled. “You’re not a hypocrite. You’re just a fool in love. Happens to the best of us.”
Harvey raised his brows. “But I know his fiancé. She is a friend.”
“And?”, Marcus asked, shrugging. “You do remember how I met Katie?”
Harvey frowned before the memory came back to him. “Oh…”
“Yes, oh. She was Dan’s girlfriend. Did I like falling for my best friend’s girl? No. Do I regret fighting for her? Also no. Because she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Harvey frowned. “I thought they had already been broken up when you two got together.”
His brother chuckled. “Guess why.”
“Because of you?”
“Yep. Call me a homewrecker if you like, but I was exactly where you are now. Katie and I shared a kiss after months of unresolved tension, so she broke it off with Dan. Next thing I know we’re happily married.” He shrugged. “Dan never forgave me. And understandably so. But I still wouldn’t do it differently if I got the chance.”
Harvey stared at his hands. “This is different.”
“How? How is this any different? Because it means that you have to put your own happiness first for once?”
“Ouch.” Harvey answered with a laugh. “You’d get along well with my therapist.”
“Stop deflecting.”
“Yeah, she’d definitely like you.”
“Harvey.”
“Alright, I get it. You made your point.”
Marcus sighed. “If you love the guy, you should let him know is all I am saying, okay?”
Harvey rubbed his face. “Maybe. I just…”
“Don’t wait too long. Life’s too short for that.”
Harvey squinted his eyes. “You keep saying that. Everything okay?”
Marcus leaned back and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not here to talk about myself.”
Worry threw a shadow over Harvey’s face. “What is it?”
“My bloodwork came back a little off. It’s nothing major. Simply gave me a little scare.”
“Is it cancer again?”
Marcus shook his head. “No. Nothing too serious, honestly. Just a reminder not to take things for granted.”
“But it will be alright?”
“Yeah. I’m working on it. Doing more sport, eating healthy, getting more sleep. Enjoying life. That kind of stuff. You should try that last one sometime.”
“You’re sure you’re okay?”
“I promise I am.” Marcus smiled. “And you’ll be too. If you stop being a chicken.”
Harvey chuckled at that and threw his napkin. Marcus caught it and checked his watch.
“I think I’ll get back to the hotel. Speak to Katie and the kids and call it an early night.”
Harvey nodded. “I’ll drop you off on the way home.”
“Or”, Marcus leaned forward “you could make use of the night, call Mike and get your shit sorted out, before it hits the fan.”
Waving for a waiter, Harvey let out a huff. “Tomorrow. Maybe.” He pulled his phone from his pocket to call Ray, only to notice he had several messages and missed calls. All of them from Mike. He got up with a frown and mumbled only a short “excuse me” to his brother, before he made his way towards the toilets.
Marcus rolled his eyes. “I guess this is my treat”, he mumbled and pulled his wallet from his pocket as the waiter approached the table.
Harvey closed the cabin door behind him and opened his chat with Mike.
Mike [12:15]
We need to talk. I know I said I would wait, but I can’t. There is too much at stake for me to keep living in this limbo. Please call me when you get this. I need to see you.
Mike [12:59]
Ignore my last message. I don’t know what has gotten into me.
Mike [13:05]
Maybe don’t ignore me. Ignore I said you should. Because everybody is mad at me and you said we’re still friends, right? I could use one.
Mike [13:15]
Fuck, I sound pathetic. Sorry.
Mike [16:45]
Hrv I dnno how
Mike [17:19}
Cn u cm pi ub? Kindo lsst.
He frowned and dialed his mailbox to listen to the messages Mike had left, his heart pounding in his chest. Something seemed off. And Mike’s voice messages proved him right.
“I’m just calling to tell you I get it. I get you don’t want to waste your time with a fuckup like me. I’m just…trouble. Always. Trouble. Sorry.”
His voice sounded slurred. The second and last message had been recorded even after his unreadable last text message. Harvey could barely make out a word. There was something swooshing in the background and Mike’s voice was more of a mumbling.
“I think I shouldaaaa…sorry. Can…can u maybe. You know where.” Was the only thing he could make out between hiccups and that loud noise drowning the drunken words. He frowned and dialed Mike’s number. “Come on, pick up.”
The phone made a beeping sound once before an automated voice told him the number he called was not available. Mike must have turned his phone off. “Fuck.” He dialed again. This time, a voice answered after the second ring.
“Harvey can I call you back? I’m kind of in the middle of something.”
“I just need a second, Donna.”
“You sound worried. What happened?”
“I’m not sure.” He rubbed his forehead with his fist. “Have you spoken to Mike by any chance?”
Her voice cooled down immediately.
“Why?”
“He left me some messages and he seemed…way off.”
Donna huffed. “No wonder. He fucking told Rachel that he kissed you.”
“He did what?”
“Ask him. I’m busy trying to convince Louis not to kill Mike because Rachel quit because of him.”
“Rachel quit?”
“I’m sorry, Harvey. I didn’t want to tell you like that, but since Mike can’t keep a secret for the life of him, I thought I might as well fill you in.”
“Fuck.” Harvey felt nausea creeping up his throat and tried to breathe against it.
“This is not your fault. She isn’t leaving because of you. She wants a new start, that is all. Please don’t try to pin this on you.”
“I guess she wouldn’t want me to try and talk her out of it?”
“If I were you, I’d stay away from her right now. She’s handling it very gracefully, but I don’t think it would help if you’d impose your apologies on her right now.”
“Shit.” He leaned his head against the closed door.
“But this isn’t why you called. You said Mike was being weird?”
“Yes. He left me some messages. Seems confused and pretty drunk. And now I can’t reach him.”
“Fuck.”
“What was that?”
“I’m sorry, Harvey. He… as much as I am trying to be Rachel’s friend and yours and Mike’s at the same time…I snapped at Mike. And I guess that might have tipped him over the edge. Have you tried his appartement? I can also give you the address of the hotel he had booked for Rachel after breaking up. He might be there. I’m sure he’s just a little drunk. He’ll just be a bit hangover tomorrow and then…”
Harvey frowned. “I don’t think he’s at his place or the hotel.”
“You’re sure?”
He closed his eyes, tried to recall the noise in the background of the second call and the slurred ‘you know where’. His eyes flew open.
“I got to go, Donna.”
He hung up without waiting for her to answer and stormed out of the toilet. Shouting over to a confused looking Marcus that he would call him the next day, he hurried down the stairs and out of the building, waving for a taxi and jumping into the first car he could get to stop, praying that he was going to be right.
His anxiety rose and fell during the drive out of town. A part of him tried to calm himself down, telling himself that Mike might just be a little drunk and that there was nothing to worry about. But a little voice in the back of his head whispered that something was severely wrong. It was the same voice that had told him to hurry the day he failed in stopping Mike from taking the deal that led to him going to prison.
The flashlight of his phone didn’t provide as much light as Harvey would have liked, but it was enough to stop him from tripping over driftwood in the darkness. The taxi driver had done his best to get him as close to the exact spot as possible, but Harvey wasn’t sure how far from Mike’s safe place he stumbled through the darkness. The wind picked up and send chills down Harvey’s spine. He let the beam cut through the silk of the night like a pair of scissors, scaring off sleeping insects and searching for any sign of that damned bench. He had been walking around rather clueless for nearly half an hour when he saw something flicker a little further down the shoreline. He squinted his eyes, trying to make out if it was a fire, but it looked more like another flashlight. His heart skipped a beat. Maybe it was him. He quickened his pace, skipping over stones and nearly slipping on some algae that the tide had washed up the shore. He didn’t care but started running when the darkness finally revealed the contours of a figure laying on a bench. “Mike”, a whisper escaped his lips. “Mike!”, he called out. The figure moved slightly. He picked up his pace.
His pulse was racing when he finally reached the bench, pushing the tiny flashlight that had fallen from Mike’s hand to the side. “Hey.” Mike lay on the bench, his eyes barely open, his wet hair and clothes sticking to his body like a second skin. His skin was pale, but his cheeks and nose red from the cold. He was awake, but his body trembled in the chilly autumn wind. Harvey gently shook Mike’s shoulder. He opened his eyes a little more, but he didn’t respond. Just stared at him with unfocused eyes. Harvey’s foot hit something in the dark and when he directed his light towards it, he discovered an empty bottle of whiskey. “Fuck.”
His hand wandered to Mike’s wrist, checking his pulse. It was fast, but steady. But when Harvey gently wiped a strain of hair from his face, Mike’s cheeks were cold as ice.
“Shit, we need to get you warmed up.” Fumbling at his phone to dial 911 with one hand, he slipped out of his jacket with his other arm. A cold hand wrapped around his wrist, startling him. He froze and looked up to meet Mike’s gaze. It was still unfocused, but the other man had at least sat up and seemed to recognize him.
“Hey.” Harvey finally got out of his jacket and threw it over Mike’s trembling shoulders. “What the hell are you doing out here?” He rubbed his hands over Mike’s arms, hoping to warm him up a little. Mike opened his mouth to answer something, but his lips trembled too much to form an understandable word.
Harvey hesitated only a second before he reached for his phone again, deciding that calling an ambulance was the reasonable thing to do. But the ice-cold hand closed around his wrist again and this time, Mike managed to whisper “don’t” between chattering teeth.
“You’re freezing. We’ve got to get you warm.”
“’m fine.”
“You’re a fucking Popsicle, you idiot.”
Mike held on to his wrist, shaking his head. “Just need a blanket or somthng”
Relieved that Mike was at least getting more responsive, Harvey pocketed his phone.
“Can you get up?”
Mike nodded. “’m just drunk, not injured.”
Harvey lend him a hand and pulled him to his feet. Mike swayed a little, so Harvey wrapped his arm around his hip to steady him.
“Let’s get you to the car and warm you up.”
“k.”
Mike didn’t resist when Harvey heaved his arm onto his own shoulder, pressing their sides together in an attempt to warm him at least a little while they stumbled through the darkness towards the street. He didn’t comment on Mike’s hand that gripped his shirt at the small of his back. He just focused on dragging Mike back to where the taxi had promised to wait for him to get back – for a generous tip in advance – and breathed a sigh of relief when the car’s headlights came into vision.
Getting Mike into the car was a bit of a struggle because he didn’t want to let go of Harvey, but after a gentle push, he finally sat in the back and Harvey ran around the car to get in on the other side. The driver was clever enough not to comment on his new, soaked and shivering passenger when Harvey held up another bundle of cash. He simply turned up the heating to the maximum and started driving towards the address Harvey gave him.
Meanwhile, Mike was still shaking beside Harvey. For a minute, Harvey hesitated, but then Mike moved closer, practically begging for him to share his body heat and Harvey pulled him into a side-embrace. Rubbing his hand up and down Mike’s arm that was still covered by Harvey’s jacket, he pressed the other man as close to himself as possible. Mike made a weird little noise that sounded a lot like a sigh of content and put his head on Harvey’s shoulder.
Harvey swallowed, all alarms inside him blazing. “He’s drunk”, he told himself. “This doesn’t mean anything.” But his heart still sped up in his chest when Mike’s head moved down to come to rest on his chest and his arm shot up to hold onto Harvey’s shirt just above his heart, his fingers clenched around the fabric as if he wanted to make sure he couldn’t go anywhere.
“What the hell where you thinking, you idiot?”, Harvey mumbled as his hand absent-mindedly landed in Mike’s short wet hair.
“Jst wanted to go for a swim. Clear m-head.”
“Drunk? In fucking fall? At night?”
“Yeah ok I’ve had better ideas. But…”“But what?”
Mike shrugged inside his embrace, snuggling closer and burying his icy nose into his chest.
“this ‘s nice.”
Harvey threw back his head, silently cursing the universe for making his stomach all tingly and fuzzy and warm, even while panic shot through him.
“Let’s see how you feel once you’re sober.”
Mike let out a disapproving moan, as if he’d just insulted him terribly by assuming that he was drunk and Harvey couldn’t stop himself from laughing.
“You’re such a dumbass, you know that?”
Mike smirked against his chest.
“Your favorite dumbass.”
Something fluttered in his chest and Harvey pulled Mike even closer, an unspoken ‘you are’ stuck in his throat. He had to practically drag Mike out of the comfortable warmth of the car and into his building up to his condo. The whole way, Mike clung to him like his life depended on it.
After throwing the door close with a sigh, Harvey pointed towards the bathroom.
“Get yourself out of those wet clothes. But don’t get into the shower. We need to warm you up slowly. I’ll get you something dry to wear.”
For a second, Mike looked at him like a puppy kicked out of his crate and held onto his hand.
“Once you’re dry you can use me as a radiator as much as you want, okay?”
Mike stared at him like he wanted to make sure that he was telling the truth, then he finally nodded and stumbled to the bathroom.
Harvey threw his head back with an eyeroll, cursed a whispered ‘lord help me’ towards the roof and got busy searching for some dry clothes.
Once Mike finally came back from the bathroom – fully dressed in a clean set of Harvey’s clothes featuring dry underwear, sweatpants, a t-shirt, a sweater, woolen socks and cardigan – Harvey had already made him a pot of hot tea and prepared a thick blanket on the sofa.
Mike didn’t even wait for him to say anything before he sat down and pulled the blanket over himself up to his chin. He accepted the cup offered to him with still slightly shivering hands and took a sip from the steaming liquid, letting out a sigh.
Harvey raised his brows. “Better?”
Mike looked at him, his eyes a little more focused than an hour ago. He was still shitfaced, but obviously starting to sober up. He nodded.
“Thanks.”
Harvey sat down next to him with a sigh. “Don’t you dare to ever scare me like that again, you idiot.” He threw Mike a serious look. “You could have frozen to death.”
Mike snorted. “Don’t be dramatic.”
“Says the man who went for a swim drunk and fully clothed in the dark just to take a nap in the middle of nowhere afterwards.”
Mike rolled his eyes. “Okay, fair point.” He slid closer to Harvey and put the mug down on the coffee table. “I’m still a little cold, you know?”
“Drink your tea.”
Mike held his gaze, a challenge sparkling in his eyes as he lifted the blanket.
Harvey groaned. “Seriously?”
“You said I could use you as a radiator once I am dry.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake.” He scooted closer to Mike, pulling the blanket over himself and wrapping an arm around the other man. “Happy now?”
“Uh-hmh”, Mike mumbled, snuggling closer and resting his head on Harvey’s chest again with a content yawn.
Harvey swallowed. His heart felt like it was about to explode in his chest. He checked the temperature of Mike’s face with his free hand. It was closer to normal, but still a little colder than it should have been.
“Don’t fall asleep on me yet. Finish your tea and warm up properly. Then I’ll let you sleep.”
“But ‘m tired.”
“Come on.” Harvey pointed to the mug. “Drink up.”
Mike sat up after short resistance, wrapping his hands around the mug and taking a big gulp.
Harvey watched him, still a little worried. “You’ll have some explaining to do tomorrow.”
Mike looked at him like he had no idea what he meant and kept drinking his tea. Once he had finished, he showed the empty mug to Harvey. “Can I go to sleep now?”
Harvey frowned. “Do you feel warm enough?”
Mike shrugged. “If you stay.”
“Oh no. I’m not sleeping sitting next to you on the sofa. My back is too old for this shit.”
“So the bed it is.”
Harvey threw his head back, asking for assistance from a god he didn’t believe in a second time that night. Then gave up his resistance.
Five minutes later, he found himself in bed, a smiling, sleepy, warmed up Mike cuddled up in his arms, his head resting on his apparent new favorite spot – Harvey’s chest. Harvey’s pulse was racing in his own ears.
“Are you happy to see me or are you developing a heart condition?”, Mike asked, a smile in his sleepy voice. Harvey couldn’t help himself but laugh.
“Both.”
“Hmh. Same.”
And with that, Mike fell asleep.
For half an hour, Harvey kept staring at the content figure lying in his arms in utter disbelief. Everything about this made him anxious and confused and led to more questions than answers. But after a while, a smile formed on his lips and his eyes closed, his body succumbing to the coziness of it all. Fatigue and comfort won over his racing thoughts, and he decided that answers could wait until daylight before he too, fell asleep.
*Chapter title taken from The Gaslight Anthem’s “Red at Night”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 26 - You make me feel like I'm floating off the groundMike woke with a throbbing headache and the dawning realization of what had happened last night. Before he had even opened his eyes, his cheeks flushed with shame. Forcing his eyelids open, he carefully probed around with his hand, checking the mattress for somebody next to him. But the sheets were cold and there was nobody but himself. He turned his head and blinked against the brightness of the day. His headache intensified by a million. He threw his forearm over his eyes with a moan. A million thoughts came flooding into his slowly waking brain and made the throbbing behind his brow even worse. Cursing under his breath, he forced himself to sit up. His bladder that was at fault for waking him up begged for him to go to the bathroom, but the last thing he wanted was to get up and leave the room. Not only because even the tiniest movement worsened the mind-numbing pain in his head. More importantly, he couldn’t stand the thought of having to speak to Harvey. Embarrassment creeped up his spine, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind. What on earth had he been thinking being as pathetic as he had been last night? Getting drunk was one thing. But it was another to be dumb enough to go for a swim and nearly catch hypothermia only to then be rescued by the man he had the feelings for that had even driven him to drink in the first place. Mike squinted his eyes shut at the memory of him cuddling up shamelessly to Harvey. He cringed. Not because he hadn’t enjoyed it. But because he felt like his drunken Self had been taking advantage of Harvey.The other man had just wanted to help, and Mike had basically thrown himself at him. Yes, he suspected that Harvey probably didn’t mind being close to him after, well, everything. But he also knew how difficult things were between them. He knew they had tons of things to talk about before any of this would work without the potential of more people getting hurt. Mike buried his head in his hands with a sigh. His bladder really demanded his attention. There was no way around this. Admitting defeat, he forced his hangover-tortured body out of the comfortable warmth of Harvey’s bed.Harvey was standing at the kitchenette, already fully dressed, and busy making coffee. Mike attempted to sneak past him, but failed miserably.“How are we feeling, sleeping beauty?”, Harvey asked, leaning against the counter, his expression closed off and unreadable.“I just…” Mike gestured towards the bathroom and Harvey nodded.“Extra Toothbrush and Towels are…”“In the drawer next to the sink, I know.”He made his way to the bathroom, locked the door, had a piss and dragged his sorry ass into the shower. Harvey’s coffee had already turned cold when Mike finally – after a very long shower spend washing his self-pity off – returned, once again dressed in Harvey’s clothes.He joined Harvey at the dining table. When he didn’t look up from the paper he was reading, Mike cleared his throat.“I think we need to talk.”Harvey neatly folded the paper away and met his gaze.“We do. But first.” He shoved a glass of water and some tablets towards him.Mike took the painkillers with a big gulp of water and massaged his temples.“No wonder you have a massive hangover. You were hammered last night.”“I know and I’m sorry. For being drunk and weird and stupid and…did I leave you messages?”“You did.”“Oh god.” Mike let his head sink onto the table. “Please, let the ground open and swallow me up whole.”Harvey ignored his attempt to make him laugh and stayed on his line of more serious questions.“Why were you out there? And why on earth were you wet?”Mike lifted his head from the table propping his forehead up on his hand, his elbow on the table.“I was…I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking.”“Did you try to hurt yourself?”Mike looked up and met his gaze. “God, no. I mean I did intentionally get drunk, but everything after that was…idiocy getting the better of me.” He shook his head. “I think I just wanted some distraction or something and the water seemed like a good idea to my boozed-up brain for whatever reason.” He took a loud deep breath through the nose. “Thanks for rescuing me. If it hadn’t been for you, hypothermia would have been nasty.”Harvey stared at him, his gaze hard. “Don’t ever do something this dangerously stupid again, you hear me? If you feel overwhelmed, talk to me instead of doing something reckless.”Mike chuckled. “Well in all fairness: I did write you that I wanted to talk.”He saw Harvey’s jaw clench and immediately realized he had taken the wrong approach.“About what? That you told Rachel everything and that she resigned because of it?”“You spoke to Donna.”“Damn right I did. What were you thinking telling her about…”Mike felt anger pooling in his stomach. “The truth? Do you really want to lecture me on why I should have kept lying to her? You, of all people?”Harvey looked at the table to avoid having to look at him.“I didn’t mean to…”“You didn’t mean to what? To tell me how I should be dealing with my Ex-Fiancée? To leave me on read? To avoid every single conversation about the mess that we maneuvered ourselves into? To fucking kiss me? Please, share which of these things exactly you didn’t mean to do.”When the other man looked him in the eye, Mike knew that he had finally gotten through to him, so he kept pushing. “You’re not the only one for whom this is difficult. I know I said I’ll wait for you to come round. But I can’t anymore. This…”, Mike gestured between them, “thing between us is driving me insane. I can’t function in this limbo.”Harvey took a deep breath and sighed.“Me neither.” He unfolded his hands that had been lying on the table and lifted them for Mike to see them trembling. His face softened and he met Mike’s gaze. “I know we need to have that conversation. But it scares the living shit out of me.”Mike chuckled. “Don’t you think it’s the same for me?” When Harvey frowned at him, he kept talking. “I am not saying that I had to go through what you have been through within the last months. I understand that you are working on yourself. I am proud of you for it and glad that you are getting better. But you always act like you are the only one questioning himself and his decisions.” He sighed. “When I got out of prison, I thought I was going to get my life back together. But instead, it exploded in my face. I have left the woman I thought would be my wife, I have lost the only law-related job I could ever work in as a convicted felon, I alienated Donna, ruined Rachel’s career, made Louis hate me again and on top of all of that, I ruined my friendship with you. And I keep asking myself if it was worth it. If you will ever feel what I feel. If Harvey Spector will ever even consider accepting that this thing between us will not just go away, that it is real.”“You lost your job?”Mike threw his hands up with an eyeroll. “Of course that is the one thing you pick up on.”“I am serious. What happened?”Mike got to his feet, no longer capable of sitting still. His throbbing head hated him for it, but he didn’t care.“You happened.”“What do I have to do with it?”“You make me incapable of functioning like a normal human being.”Harvey frowned. “Then maybe it’s better that you ‘ruined’ our friendship as you call it.”“Maybe.” Mike shook his head. “I can’t stand this friendship anymore. Not like this.”Harvey looked at him like he had fired at loaded gun at him, a brief flicker of hurt showing on his features before they hardened. “Good to know.”“It’s about time you understand that.”“Alright.” Harvey raised his hands, defensive. “Maybe you should stop leaving messages or turning up at my place or fucking…”“What? Say it.”“Fucking cuddling me like it means something.”Mike chuckled, a bitter smirk on his lips.“You are way too clever to be this stupid. How on earth can you not…” Mike rubbed his forehead with his fist. “I can’t be your friend anymore because it does mean something. To me, at least.” His voice broke and he swallowed. “To me it means entirely too much.”And there it was. The look of utter confused surprise on Harvey’s features that made Mike realize that even though he had basically been shouting his feelings for him from the rooftops, Harvey had no idea he was in love with him. The penny dropped. He needed to spell it out. Risks and dignity be damned. He ignored the doubts piling up in his mind and started wandering up and down. Harvey was still staring at him in disbelief until he also stood up.“Stop pacing. You’re driving me nuts.”“Likewise.”Harvey leaned against the dining table. “I don’t know how to…” he thought for a second “be vulnerable. Not with you. Not if it means that I could lose you. Because not even having you as a friend anymore…” he swallowed and left the sentence unfinished.“Oh Harvey.” Mike stopped in his tracks and took a hesitant step towards him. Swallowing against the tears building in his throat, Mike looked him in the eyes and saw his own conflicted feelings reflected.“I think I owe you an apology.”Harvey frowned. “For what?”“Thinking that I was being clear.” He shook his head. “Harvey I didn’t kiss you in the heat of the moment. I didn’t end things with Rachel because kissing you didn’t mean something. I did all of that because it felt right. And I do not want to take any of it back. I don’t regret a single fucking thing we did.”“You don’t?”“Do you ever even listen to me? I told you I didn’t. Days ago. But apparently, you can’t get into that thick skull of yours that I have feelings for you. And here I was, thinking I was being obvious.”Something in Harvey’s mind fell into place with a little mental ‘oh’. His heart seemed to jump in his chest and the butterfly colony in his stomach somehow doubled its population within a second. He felt dizzy.“Hey, everything okay?” Mike looked at him worried, checking him for signs of a panic attack. But Harvey’s lips curled up into a smile. “I’m an idiot.”“No news there. Some reaction to what I just said would be nice for a change. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I just laid my heart bare here.”“In all fairness? You could have been as obvious as you’d have wanted. I would never have guessed. That you…”Mike couldn’t hold in the laughter bubbling in his chest anymore. The situation was so absurd and tense and weirdly hopeful that he needed some relief. So before he could stop himself, the laughter died and made space for the words that came tumbling out of his mouth. Words long overdue. Words that had always been there at the tip of his tongue but never had the courage to make it past his lips. But there they were. In the light of day, in Harvey’s kitchen, sponsored by a massive hangover and years of stupid suppressed pining.“It took a while for me to admit it to myself. Years of telling myself that I was straight be damned. But I think it was always there. From the second I met you.” He breathed. “I can’t fight it and I don’t even want to anymore. And I don’t care if it’s too much or if you don’t feel the same because it is the truth. I love you. And to be perfectly clear so you don’t form any wrong conclusions in that tangled up head of yours: I mean I am in love with you. Romantically.”Time froze.A second stretched to eternity.“I love you too.”Mike bridged the gap between them so fast that their lips crashed against each other. They both snorted with laughter before their lips met again, gentler this time. Harvey pulled Mike closer until their chests were touching, sinking deeper into the kiss that robbed him of any rational thoughts. It was better than the first time. There was no shame in this kiss. No doubt. No open question. Just silent confirmation of the obvious. Harvey’s heart hammered so heavily against his ribcage that he wasn’t sure it wouldn’t explode. The tingling in his stomach spread down his spine down into his feet, making his toes prickle. A warmth exploded within him, washing the reminder of any lingering misgivings away. Everything felt lighter, easier and everything demanded more. His lips kept hungrily discovering the ones he had spent too many wasted hours of his life thinking about and his hands tenderly wandered from Mike’s chest up his neck to his cheek, only to discover it was wet. He broke the kiss and opened his eyes to look at him.“Hey. What is it?”Harvey’s voice had a new level of gentleness that made Mike woozy. His body was overwhelmed. He wanted to laugh and cry and touch and kiss all at once. For the first time in forever, everything seemed right and clear as day. This was it. It was real. It was now. It was goosebumps on every last inch on his body. It was longing and fulfillment at once. It was too much to stand without an outlet. So when Harvey lifted his hand to wipe his cheek with a touch as light as a feather, a sob escaped his lips. “Are you okay?”Mike let out a shaky breath. “This is just bottled up…everything.”Harvey looked him in the eyes, searching for a sign to give him space, but Mike reached for his forearms and held onto them, worried Harvey might let go of him again.It was all the endorsement Harvey needed to pull him closer. “Come here.” His arms wrapped around Mike like a cocoon of warmth and safety. Mike buried his face in his shoulder and breathed in his smell. His heart jumped in his chest with happiness. He sobbed again as Harvey planted a kiss on his head and a hand began drawing gentle circles on his back.They stayed like this for a while. Some water trickled down Harvey’s cheeks into Mike’s hair. Some of Mike’s tears sank into Harvey’s shirt. Neither of them minded.When they both felt grounded enough to stand on their own, Harvey let go of him and wiped his own eyes with the back of his hand.“Fuck.”“Yeah. That.” Mike chuckled, wiping some snot on his sleeve.They both smiled.“I’m a little…” Harvey made a face and blew up his cheeks. “This is not how I expected this conversation to go.”“Same here.” Mike shook his head, laughing. “Is it just me or were we the two most oblivious idiots in existence?”Harvey returned the laughter. “Probably.” He let himself fall back onto his chair as if he was exhausted and scratched the back of his head. The gesture was so insecure and so un-Harvey that Mike couldn’t help but smirk. He leaned against the table, his knee touching Harvey’s, and took a deep breath. “Now what?”Harney snorted. “Fuck do I know? You just ambushed me with a love confession out of nowhere.”“Objection. I’d put in doubt that it came out of nowhere.”The other man let out a chuckle. “Granted. Maybe there was some circumstantial evidence that I may have overlooked in the past.”Mike reached for one of his hands and Harvey didn’t only let him, but intertwined their fingers. Mike’s heart fluttered in his chest.“Can I ask how long?”, Harvey asked, his voice low and raw.Mike shrugged. “It just happened over time.” He smiled at him. “I mean I thought you were hot from day one, let’s get that straight. Maybe I even crushed on you pretty instantly. Falling for you wasn’t something that happened suddenly. It just took me far too long to realize it. If I had to name an exact point in time, I would say that I started understanding what you meant to me in prison.”“I see,” Harvey smiled. “It does explain the whole thing of you being very touchy all over sudden.”“And yet you never looked at the evidence and formed the right conclusion.” They both laughed until Mike cleared his throat. “To make this equally embarrassing for both of us: When did you fall for me?”“Oh you’d sure love to know that, wouldn’t you?”Mike nudged his shoulder. “Come on, play fair.”Harvey tried to bite back a grin, but couldn’t. “You really want to know?”“Duh. Because let’s face it: You have a way better poker face than me. Until the night we watched Survivor together, I wouldn’t even have dared to suspect anything romantic from your side. At all.”“Well.” Harvey licked his lips and lifted his gaze to look into Mike’s shining blue eyes.“I fell for you the minute you walked into my office, that suitcase full of weed dangling from your hand, and started quoting law books at me.”Mike’s eyes widened. “Holy shit, you’re kidding me.”“Nope.” Harvey rolled his eyes. “I know you want me to indulge you telling how much I have been pining for your stupid ass over the years, but I won’t give you that satisfaction.”Mike squinted his eyes. “Why not?”“Because”, Harvey looked at their intertwined hands, “as overdue as this conversation was and as surprised I am by the outcome, I am not sure what it means.”“Oh.” Mike rolled his eyes. “You want to make this complicated again.”“It already is complicated.”Mike shook his head, pulling his hand from Harvey’s and staring him down. “It isn’t.” He kneeled in front of Harvey, placing his hands on his knees. “Not if we don’t make it complicated. I love you. And if I didn’t hallucinate the last twenty minutes, you love me. What more is there to it?”“What if this goes wrong?”“Too late. I’m past saving. We either at least try to make this work or you break my heart here and now.”“Mike, I am a mess. You’ve seen me these past months. I’m not…” He tried to collect his thoughts. “You cannot fix me. The parts of me that are broken aren’t broken because of you. I was confused because of the thing between us. But even if I let myself…if we try this, I won’t stop being a mess. Are you sure this is what you want?”Mike smirked, reaching a hand up to Harvey’s face and cupping a cheek.“I love all the parts, you idiot. The broken ones, the whole ones, the shards. I understand that you will not be magically cured from your anxiety and that you will always stay a stubborn piece of work. But that’s the person I fell for. I know you better than most of the women you dated. I know what I’m signing up for. That is if I am what you want. And when I say want I mean a relationship. Not friends with benefits or some bullshit. We can date if you insist, but I want this to become something serious.”“What about Rachel?”Mike sighed. “We are over. She knows what I feel for you. And as much as I know that you want to take the blame for it: It isn’t your fault. Rachel and I ran our course long before you kissed me. We outgrew our relationship.”“She’s leaving the firm because of it.”Mike swallowed. “I know. And I…it’s my fault.”Harvey stood up, grabbing his hands and pulling him to his feet. “That’s why you got drunk last night.”“That and Louis and Donna being angry with me for ruining the career she had built for herself.”“You didn’t ruin her career.”“I did. And I wish I could change it. But I can’t. I tried to talk her out of it, but she made it very clear that she wanted a fresh start.”Harvey frowned, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Well you made sure she will definitely not be able to face me as her boss anymore.”“It’s not just that. Rachel has been through the whole fraud-ordeal with me at the firm. She stayed on as long as she did in part because of me. I think she wants to finally move on. From me. And that, to her, means that she needs to move on from the firm too.”“There’s nothing I can do to convince her to stay?”Mike shook his head. “I don’t think anything could convince her.”“I’m sorry.”Mike shrugged. “We both know she’ll be kicking your ass in court soon enough. She’s too smart to let this set her back.”“She is”, Harvey smirked. “I’d still understand if you need some time. I mean you were engaged to her until what? Three days ago?”Mike wrinkled his nose. “Am I an asshole if I say that I don’t care?”Harvey huffed, walking to the kitchen counter to pour himself a glass of water.“Not to me.”“Good. Because I think we wasted enough time already.”Harvey sipped on his water, his brows raised.“You really mean it, don’t you?”Mike walked over to him, a challenge in the grin tugging on the corners of his lips.“I do.”Harvey leaned on his arms placed on the counter. “I’m running out of objections here.”“Good.”They looked at each other. Harvey’s lips twitched until they formed a grin that lit a spark in Mike’s chest and let him move closer like a magnet was tugging on his core.Harvey crossed the rest of distance between them, his tongue flicking over his upper lip briefly before he leaned forward, his mouth nearly touching Mike’s ear as he started to whisper.“If it is what you want, then let’s stop wasting time.”*Chapter title (once again) taken from "Can I lean on you" by Ben Platt
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Chapter 27 - So put your lips on my scars and teach me to love*
His whisper sent shivers down Mike’s spine and before he could respond, Harvey’s lips gently nibbled on his ear. He threw his head back. Harvey moved his mouth down to his neck so slowly that Mike’s insides immediately caught fire with the sweet agony of it.“Shit.”“Hmh.” Harvey’s voice vibrated against his throat between kisses. “Why the profanities?”Mike let out a hiss. His hand pulled on Harvey’s hair. “Bedroom. Now.”Harvey looked up to him, his pupils dilated and a relaxed grin on his lips. Mike’s breath hitched in his chest at the view. A part of his brain couldn’t comprehend what was happening as the other man’s hand landed on his chest and pushed him backwards.Harvey could barely believe how willingly Mike let him take control. He watched with a disbelieving grin how he landed on his mattress and started fumbling on the buttons of his shirt with trembling hands. A pang of love shot through Harvey. He followed Mike onto the bed, gently taking his hands and holding them until they stopped moving.“Are you sure?”Mike snorted. “Isn’t that obvious?”Harvey rested one of his hands on Mike’s arm. “There’s no need to rush anything. I’m not going anywhere.”“You’re not?”Harvey shook his head. “You made a compelling case. I’m down to try this.”“Really?”“Can’t promise I’ll be very good at the whole boyfriend stick. My reputation in this area could be better. But I‘ll do my best.“Mike stared at him, a radiant grin on his lips, and nodded. „I‘m sure you‘ll excel in this department. You‘re the best closer in the city after all.“Harvey saw the challenge twinkling in Mike‘s eyes. He moved his hands down to his shoulders and pressed the other man down onto the mattress. Leaning over him, he stopped short barely a breath away from his lips. Hovering there, watching how Mike‘s grin turned into something else, how want conquered his eyes, Harvey felt his whole body come to life in a way it hadn’t in years. „Tell me if you want me to stop“, he whispered, surprised about the hoarseness of his own voice. Mike shivered beneath his touch, as Harvey let his thumb wander gently over his throat and moved to unbutton the rest of his shirt. „Not going to happen.“That did it.Harvey closed the gap between their lips.There wasn‘t much space left between them for the rest of the morning.Hours later, after they had taken the time to discover every inch of each other‘s skin, moved in unison, discovered new noises and feelings and wants, they lay next to each other. Out of breath, tired, sweaty and sticky. And bursting with comfortable happiness. Harvey turned his head to the side, watching as Mike pulled the blanket over both of them with a small sigh that sounded so content it made Harvey‘s heart clench in sweet agony. In the light of early noon, Mike‘s hair glowed in a golden shade that he had never noticed before. Maybe because before, he had forced himself to keep the sappy thoughts at bay. But now, as the man he‘d been longing for all these years lay next to him, the blanket barely covering anything at all, Harvey couldn‘t stop thinking how beautiful he was. Without thinking, he reached over to let his hand wander over his upper arm gently. Smiling at the goosebumps that immediately spread over the soft skin beneath his fingertips, Harvey turned on his side to have better access. Mike turned his head and their eyes met. Not sure if his heart would ever stop jumping in his chest whenever Mike looked at him with so much never before known gentleness, Harvey smiled. A little voice in the back of his head warned him that he was being ridiculous. He didn‘t listen to it, as Mike wordlessly opened his arms and gestured for him to move closer.A little hesitant, he raised his eyebrows, but Mike snorted. „Oh now we‘re suddenly a reserved cuddler?“„I‘m in no way any kind of ‚a cuddler‘ and if you ever dare to suggest anything of the sort in public, you will be punished.“Mike laughed. It sounded like a giggle. „Is that so?“Harvey put his arm around Mike‘s stomach and lay down his head on his shoulder, planting a kiss on his collarbone. „Hmh.“Mike immediately wrapped his arms around him, pulling him as close as he could. „Fuck“, he sighed. „This is…“ He let his hand wander through Harvey‘s hair. „You know you‘ll never get rid of me now, right?“Harvey looked up to his face, smiling. „I don‘t mind.“Mike‘s face got a little more serious. „You really don‘t?“„No.“ He moved up a little until his head came to rest on the pillow next to Mike‘s face. He leaned forward for a slow and gentle kiss. His hand rested on Mike‘s cheek, a thumb stroking it slowly until he pulled away. Looking in Mike‘s eyes, he cleared his throat.„Now we have this sorted…did you say you got fired?“Mike groaned. „Oh come on.“ He threw his head back. „Do we have to burst the bubble right now? I‘m just…“ He sighed, looking at Harvey with that soft expression that the other man feared might actually be his new favorite drug. „I‘m happy where I am now. The rest…I can deal with later. Let‘s not give a shit about anything out there for a minute. I have waited too long for this. For you.“Harvey rolled his eyes, but with a smile that softened the blow. „Do you get sappy after every orgasm?“Mike gently punched against his shoulder. „You nearly drove me insane the last months. I am allowed to enjoy this for a minute.“„I‘m sorry.“ Harvey rubbed his hand over Mike‘s arm. „I made things way more complicated than they were.“Mike hesitated. „Maybe it just wasn‘t the right timing before.“ He saw Harvey‘s expression darken. Guessing his thoughts were going down a path towards Rachel, he grabbed his chin. „But it is right now. And I don‘t give a shit if it‘s sappy but I…“ he swallowed, „am happier that I thought I would ever be capable of. I never dared to dream that you and me could ever…“ He laughed. „Fuck, I really am sappy.“Harvey chuckled. „It‘s surprisingly refreshing.“Mike kissed him on the forehead, wrapping his arms around him again. „Can we stay in bed? Just for today?“„Why? Did you think I had any intention of allowing you to get dressed?“Mike snorted. „I don‘t have anywhere to be but here.“„Me neither.“ Harvey hesitated for a second, then he moved to lean on his elbow. „How would you like protecting the bubble for a couple of days?“„Harvey, your bed is comfortable, but some time soon, we will need to get food and fresh air…“The older man rolled his eyes at him again. „I meant getting out of town for a bit.“ His expression turned serious. „I doubt we should shout the thing between us from the rooftops right now. For several reasons. But I don‘t feel like hiding. If we get out of town, we can be together. Openly. Outside of the house. To take time to define what we want this to be. If that‘s something you‘d…“„Yes.“„Can I finish my sentence?“„No. I‘m already in.“Harvey frowned. „You‘re sure? I know you considered yourself straight until a couple of days ago, so it‘s fine if you want to take this more slow.“Mike shook his head as if he‘d never been more sure of anything in his life.„I‘m done pretending. You‘re right, being out in the open in the city is a little much for now. I don‘t want to hurt anyone or run into Donna or Louis. But…somewhere where we can just be a random couple? I‘d love that.“„Good.“ Harvey smiled. „I‘ll make a few calls later, I already have a place in mind.“„But can you leave city so easily right now? Isn‘t your brother in town?“„I wrote him earlier that I was having ‚the talk‘ with you. I guess he knows I‘m busy today. I‘ll call him later, maybe meet him for lunch tomorrow. He was merely here because he worried about me. He‘ll be happy to head back home.“Mike‘s expression darkened. „What about your therapy sessions?“„I‘ll ask if we can do some of them digital for a week or two.“„Are you sure?“Harvey took his hand and let his fingers glide between Mike‘s. „I promise I‘ll keep working on my shit. You don‘t need to worry.“„If I‘m going to be your boyfriend, you have to allow me to be worried. It‘s what people do when they love each other.“„Boyfried, huh? Is that what you want to call yourself?“„Any objections?“„It has a bit of a middle school ring to it.“„You are about as emotionally mature as a middle school student, so…“Harvey gently punched his upper arm. „People who sit in a glass house…“Mike sighed. „I can‘t believe we nearly fucked this up.“„Doesn‘t matter. Because we ultimately didn‘t.“ He pressed a kiss on Mike‘s hair. „I mean it. All the shit we went through to get here…I don‘t worry about you withhout a reason.“„Okay.“ He lifted their joined hands to kiss Mike‘s knuckles. „You‘re allowed to worry. But you don‘t need to. I learned my lesson and you don’t need to be scared that I’d ever expect you to fix me.“„You don‘t have to do this alone.“Harvey shook his head. „I know. You proved that point more than once. But I still have issues and they are not yours to work though with me. I‘ll keep going to therapy, I promise. No more drinking, no more weird calls in the middle of the night. No more running in front of cars. I‘ll take better care of myself from now on.“Mike looked at him, pride visible in his eyes. „Did I mention that I love you?“„Once or twice. But I‘m not tired of hearing it yet.“Mike leaned forward, pushing his lips against Harvey‘s ear. Smiled, as Harvey drew a sharp breath.„I love you“, he whispered and let his hand wander under the blanket. „And I think I should definitely make sure to check if you‘re alright. Just once more. To be sure.“ Harvey moaned as Mike‘s hand slid further down. And then they stopped speaking for a while. *Chapter title taken from the lyrics of Jaymes Young‘s – „Don’t you know“
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Epilogue – Can I lean on you?
3 Months later
Harvey was so lost in thought that he nearly dropped the bottle of red wine in his hand when the doorbell went off. He shook off the irritation, and placed the bottle on the set table where it belonged.“Can you get the door, please?”, he hollered, sticking his head into the hallway of his condo, wiping his hands on his apron before walking back to the stove where the gravy had started to bubble dangerously. “On my way”, an answer echoed back just as the bell went off a second time, while Harvey stirred the gravy and reduced the heat under the pot.“Tell me you finally managed to get dressed”, Harvey shouted with raised brows, hoping that their visitor wasn’t up for a surprise. Mike popped his head into the open plan kitchen with a grin. “Fully dressed. And don’t complain, it’s entirely your fault I didn’t make it to the bathroom earlier.”“I can agree to taking 50 percent of the responsibility. If I may remind you that it was you who thought, and I quote ‘the turkey doesn’t need to be stared at while it cooks’.”Mike chuckled at that. “Fifty percent of a punishable offence is still, well…punishable”. He wiggled his eyebrows and Harvey rolled his eyes. “Go and welcome our visitors, you moron.” Mike walked to the door with a grin, just in time to let Louis and Jessica in. He swallowed as he caught the grumpy expression on Louis’ face but relaxed a little as Jessica lightly elbowed him and he lit up. “Good to see you, Mike”, she shook his hand and handed him her coat with a smile. “Especially without the responsibility of being your boss”, she added with a smirk while Mike collected Louis’ coat. He grinned. “You can complain about the joys of being my boss to my current one later. He’s joining us together with a colleague of mine.”“Can’t wait”, Jessica smirked. “Is Harvey in the kitchen?” Mike nodded. “Be warned: If you dare to suggest helping, he will scold you.”“I think that only applies to you, kid”, she replied before walking towards the kitchen. Which left Mike alone with Louis. Mike cleared his throat. “Thank you for coming. I know you weren’t sure if you wanted to.”It had been awkward between them lately. Ever since Harvey had sat Louis down to explain that Mike and him were together, Mike had tried to avoid him. He knew that even though Louis had reacted understanding and supportive (and suggested, in typical Louis fashion, to increase the firm’s involvement in pride month next year), he was still irritated with Mike for having hurt Rachel. Louis looked at him and sighed. “Of course I wanted to, you idiot.”Mike raised his brows.“Did you get a talking to from Donna?”Louis chuckled. “Close, but no.”“Gretchen?”“Also no.”“So you just randomly decided to no longer hate me?” Mike squinted his eyes. Louis backing off without reason rarely ever meant anything good.“I never hated you.”Mike raised his brows and Louis gave up, throwing his hands up with a shrug.“Maybe I did for a second. But I’m over it now.” He placed a hand of Mike’s shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. “You make him happy. How could I be mad about that, right?”Mike smiled. “You think so?”“I’m not blind. Of course I do. And it was Rachel who gave me a talking to.”“I had no idea…”“You don’t deserve her. Not even as an Ex.”“Yeah, I know.”“But she said it’s water under the bridge. So who am I to hold a grudge on her behalf?”“So we’re good?”“Come here, asshole.” He hugged Mike briefly, before waving him off. “Now go hang these damn coats and get me a drink.”Mike nodded, gesturing towards the open kitchen / living room area “I’ll be with you in a second.” He shot a quick text to Rachel before he joined the others.Thank you. You didn’t need to speak to Louis. I owe you. Her reply came as he hung the coats on the wardrobe and strolled back to the living room.You don’t owe me. We’re even. It’s what friends do. Have a great friendsgiving!Mike smiled at the screen as a picture popped into the chat. Snow-covered mountains in the background of a steaming mug.And you your holiday!, he texted back.After Mike’s and Harvey’s initial talk, the two men had stolen some bubble-time outside the city, hiding away from the real world in the Hamptons for a couple of weeks. They had spend a lot of time in bed, indulging in each other. But they had also gone for many walks, talked a lot of unresolved things over. Had spoken about the missed chances in the past, the fights that suddenly had a different meaning, the things they had previously bitten their tongues about. And they had agreed to the terms of their new relationship. Harvey vowed to continuing therapy and staying dry and Mike promised to make up his mind about his career. And they both decided to sit down and speak to their friends to fill them in. To apologize, where apologies were needed. When they returned to the city, Harvey and Mike had become an unshakable union. Mike moved in with Harvey immediately and things fell into place easily. Donna had been the first on their list of people to speak to and she had fully embraced them as a couple (‘Oh god, finally!’). Her anger had long burned off, and she only told Mike that she was going to murder him if he a) ever hurt Harvey or b) ever had her lie for him again, stating that she had ‘done that enough for one lifetime’. Louis had also reacted mostly with love and Jessica had given Harvey the first hug he could remember. Harvey’s brother Marcus reacted excited and loved having ‘a new brother’ to bicker with. And then Mike had finally met with Rachel again, giving her the explanation he felt he owed her. After a couple of weeks of distance, she was okay with him sharing with her why he had never dared to tell her about his feelings before. And while she didn’t forgive him for lying to her and cheating while they were still together, she agreed to staying friends. Since then, they had been in loose contact and Mike knew she was currently dating someone new. He was happy for her and Rachel was happy for him. Things between her and Harvey were still weird, but there wasn’t any hate between them. She still insisted on moving to a new firm and had recently moved to Seattle to chase a new job opportunity and get some distance from everything. Which is where she had met her potential new boyfriend. The only person still holding a grudge was Robert Zane, but Rachel had promised Mike that she’d keep him in check. As of now, he hadn’t made a move to ruin Pearson Spector Litt at least. Mike walked to the living room with a smile on his face, pouring drinks for both Louis and Jessica, before the bell rang again. He let in Donna, who gave him a big hug, before she hurried to the kitchen to put the dessert she had brought into the fridge. Shortly after that, Marcus arrived, followed by Oliver and Nathan – who had agreed to give Mike his job back after he’d admitted to having had some personal issues which lead to him behaving like an asshole – and Father Walker. Everybody mingled while Mike finally convinced Harvey to let him help with finishing the Friendsgiving dinner spread (“I am capable of putting a casserole in the oven, thank you very much. Yes, this needs that many marshmallows. Get off me!”).Mike enjoyed watching Harvey fully in his element. Cooking several different dishes at the same time seemed like nothing of a struggle for him. He was smiling and joking around with Donna who sat at the counter, sipping on her martini. It warmed Mike’s heart to see Harvey at ease like this. The lasts months had been weighing heavily on his shoulders for so long, it was a blessing to see the weight lifted so much. Harvey still had darker days. His depression hadn’t magically vanished and his anxiety, even if lessened, sometimes still came to visit. But he wasn’t going through it alone anymore. If a therapy session was particularly exhausting, he had Mike to come home to. When he didn’t feel like getting out of bed, Mike was there to remind him of food and water and to help him get back out in the world once he felt better. When panic came to visit, he had his new medication to help, and Mike and friends to reach out to. And even if it still didn’t come easy to him to ask for help, he finally did if he needed to. “Donna, can you do me a favor and tell everyone to sit down? We’ll be ready in five minutes.”, Harvey asked.Donna lifted her hand to a mock salute. “Shepherding the flock to the table. Aye.”Mike exchanged a grin with Harvey. “You made her a stiff martini, huh?”“She asked for a mean one and I delivered.”“I take it her date yesterday didn’t go great then?”“He told her theatre was pretentious.”“Ouch.”“Yeah.”“She’ll find someone eventually.”“You mean now that you’ve stolen me from her for good?”Mike rolled his eyes with a laugh. “Is it stealing if the stolen one comes so willingly?”“Debatable.” Harvey leaned to him for a kiss, pulling him closer by his hip. “Why did we invite all these people again, instead of watching the game and committing a couple more punishable offenses?”Mike wrapped his arms around his neck, grinning. “Because we love them and they saved our asses this year.”“See, I knew there was a reason.” He wrapped his arms tighter around Mike’s hips, kissing him gently. “I love you.”“Love you too. Will love you more if you finally feed me though.” He indicated his head towards the stove. “You cut the turkey, I dish up the sides?”Harvey gave him another quick peck with a smile. “Deal.” Dinner was all smiles and laughs and happy faces. Harvey had outdone himself – having started the cooking three days prior – and all except him were at least a little tipsy when they got around to dessert. Jessica and Nathan were gossiping at full volume about the struggle of keeping cocky employees in check, Harvey and Marcus were mock-arguing who was the better baseball player (reminding Mike he really wanted to see Harvey play, if for the outfit alone) with Louis as their chuckling audience, Donna and Father Walker were in deep discussion about some HBO show and Oliver shared a story about a recent awkward date with Mike. When Oliver got pulled into the television discussion, Mike leaned back in his chair, rubbing his full belly. He let his gaze wander from face to grinning face, feeling the warmth radiating from all these people he’d come to love. These people felt like family to him. And sometimes families fought. But they always came back together. He swallowed against a tide of gratitude welling up behind his eyes and caught Harvey looking at him with eyes so soft it made his heart hitch in his chest. They exchanged a look and Mike nodded. Harvey beat his spoon against his glass and stood.The table conversations died down and soon, all eyes were on Harvey, who put his hand on Mike’s shoulder. Mike placed a hand on Harvey’s, giving it a little squeeze. He knew Harvey had felt a little anxious about doing this, but really wanted to use the opportunity.Harvey cleared his throat.“I know we’re a little late to thanksgiving and it’s a very debatable holiday. But it’s a good opportunity to say thank you. And Mike and I have plenty of thanks to give this year. Without all of you, we wouldn’t have made it through the last months. To be fair, without you and my therapist, but there’s this rule you can’t invite your therapist to dinner, so, in absence, thanks to her too.” That earned him a couple of chuckles around the table and he smirked. “Seriously though. Thank you all for having our backs. For granting second chances. For giving advice. For being there as our friends. And for telling us when we’re being idiots. We owe you all a lot and we’re happy to call you all our friends. Our family, really. Because I recently learned - and Marcus, don’t get mad with me now – that there is the family you’re born into and then there is the family you chose. And we’re glad you belong to the latter.” He grinned towards his brother. “Yes, you too, so you’re basically a double-family-member.” Marcus laughed. “Hear hear!” Laughter around the table. Then Mike stood, wrapping his arm around Harvey’s hip. “This idiot and I wouldn’t have managed to finally get our shit together without all of your nudges. Thank you. Really.”Harvey nodded. “And before we finish this long-ass toast, I’ve got one more thing to say.”Donna grinned. “You’re getting married?”Mike laughed. “We’ve been dating for three months. Hold your horses.”“Yeah, my therapist says it’s too soon.”, Harvey grinned.Mike turned his head to him. “Does she now?”“Oh shut up. Anyway, it’s way smaller than a wedding. It’s that I’ll be returning to work come January. If you’ll still have me.” He looked at Jessica and Louis, who both smiled and nodded. Jessica had returned to the firm permanently while Harvey had extended his leave of absence. Her and Louis had secured enough new clients to keep the ship safely afloat. The firm was slowly recovering from the recent crisis.“I can’t wait for you to take back over”, Jessica said and lifted her glass. “To a bright future.”“To a bright future.” Mike echoed. “And to all of you”, Harvey added.It was late when all of the guests had finally said their last goodbyes for the night and they both were tired, but happy.Harvey stood on his balcony, sipping on a nightcap – alcohol-free gin & tonic – when Mike joined him after having finished loading the dishwasher. He stood behind Harvey, wrapping both his arms around him. Harvey leaned into the touch. To his own surprise, Mike had found out over the lasts weeks that Harvey enjoyed giving up control every now and then. That he liked being fussed over, being the one to be caressed and taken. And Mike had also found out that he quite liked that. That he enjoyed watching Harvey letting himself fall so trustingly. He placed a soft kiss below Harvey’s ear. Harvey hummed with content. “This was good.”, he murmured, and Mike nodded against his neck, continuing to create a path of kisses on his smooth, warm skin.“I liked having them all around. But I also like having you back to myself now.”“Is that so?” He felt Harvey’s cheek move as he pressed his own face against it and mirrored the grin. “Very much so.”Harvey tugged on the arm that rested on his hip, wrapping Mike’s arm closer around himself.“Are you cold?” Mike asked, resting his chin on Harvey’s shoulder and looking out to the city’s sparkling lights. Harvey shook his head. “You’re like a walking space heater.”Mike chuckled. “Wait how much you’ll enjoy that in summer.”“I can always send you back to that sofa you love so much.”“Oh you mean the thing that nearly slipped my disc?”“Did I ever say sorry for that?”“For what?” Mike frowned, turning his face to see that Harvey’s expression had changed from playful to serious.“For, you know, putting you through all that. Leaning on you.”“Harvey.” Mike pulled him closer, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Both arms firmly wrapped around his stomach, Mike sighed. “I want you to lean on me. As I want to lean on you. That’s what partners do.”“But I…”“You did apologize for it. About a million times. And just because you enjoy your newfound skill of asking for forgiveness, you don’t have to keep saying sorry. You were in a dark place and you didn’t know how to ask for help. It’s okay. I’m glad you allowed me to be there for you at all. And I’m happy that now you are learning how to cope. You’re doing great, babe.”Harvey snorted. “Did you just call me…?”“Yeah, I regretted it the second it slipped out. It sounded wrong.”“So wrong.”“Maybe…baby?”“So you do really want to go back to the sofa, hm?”“Yeah no, also sounds wrong. How about da-““Don’t you dare finishing that word.”“But you are older than me. And you were my boss. So technically…”“Did I just uncover an unknown kink there?”“I wouldn’t call it that.”Harvey turned around, his nose brushing against Mike’s.“What would you call it then?”“Heightened interest in a certain male demographic.”“I best don’t let you loose at a bingo hall then, huh?”Mike grinned. “Oh I’d ravage the place.”Harvey poked him between the ribs. “For the record, I am not in bingo age.”Mike squinted at him. “Aren’t you though?”“Aren’t you past your bedtime?”Mike chuckled, his face softening from grin to gentle smile. He placed his hands on Harvey’s cheeks, gently rubbing his thumbs over his barely detectable stubble. “Truth be told, you’re the only guy in that demographic that ever piqued my interest.”“And here I was thinking you had a thing for authority.”Mike laughed. “Authority? You do realize all I ever did was talk back to you?”Harvey shrugged. “Point taken.”“So your type is cocky as fuck and not afraid to stand up to you, hm?”“Yeah yeah, Doctor Freud, I confess, I like my boyfriends smart and sharp and too cheeky for their own good. Satisfied now?”Mike grinned, leaning forward to whisper in Harvey’s ear.“Not yet, but I’m sure there’s something you can do about that, da-“Harvey cut him off by kissing him, pushing him slowly backwards inside the apartment and into the bedroom.