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When he looked at Jim’s pale face, Leonard McCoy knew that there was something wrong immediately. The young captain walked through the Medbay without noticing any nurse or patient around him. Jim ignored them all until he reached McCoy.“Can we talk in private?” Jim’s voice comes out weak, and he looked tired. McCoy knew that Jim and Spock had a meeting with the Admiral Komack that morning.“Sure, Jim. Let’s go to my office.” Jim was crestfallen, McCoy suspected the meeting has not been enjoyable. He left the Medbay under the command of Chief Nurse, Christine Chapel, and led Jim to the next room. “Bad news?”“No. Well... It depends on the point of view. Unexpected, for sure.”McCoy waited for his friend to continue.Jim took a deep breath and then began his explanation trying to sound less sad.“Starfleet built a new Constitution-class ship. Not as big as the Enterprise, but it's a beauty. It is a scientific ship, and most of the crew will be of Vulcans. The mission will be to study a Singularity that emerged on the border of the Delta Quadrant. For these reasons, the Fleet wants someone highly trained and experienced to command… They want Spock,” Jim interrupted his speech. It took five long seconds for Jim to continue almost in a whisper. "Spock will be promoted to captain.”McCoy did not know what to say. He also did not expect that. Suddenly, Jim slammed his hand on the table, startling the doctor, displaying a broad, forced smile. Jim got up and started pacing up and down."That's wonderful! To be promoted to captain. Spock deserves this. He is more than capable. So this mission is critical scientifically; I bet Spock'll love it. Also, he'll be the superior of a bunch of VSA's Vulcans. Did I tell you the story of when Spock refused the offer to study there? In the VSA? He knows how to be insolent when he wants to, oh, yes. I need to tell you this story someday. But, anyway, it's a wonderful opportunity for him, Bones...”“Jim, you're talking without breathing. Please, sit down.” McCoy felt a little dizzy, did not know whether by the unexpected news or because Jim was pacing back and forth, spilling word after word. However, Jim ignored the doctor's request and continued to repeat how Spock had a golden opportunity.“Of course, when Komak told me what the meeting was about, I was surprised. My first reaction was to say how much our crew would feel the loss of our best Science Officer. That's when I realized, Bones. Spock is the best Science Officer and Best First Officer of the entire Starfleet, the most skilled commander. Do you have any idea how much the Fleet invested in him? He should have been captain of his own ship a long time ago. So why had not this happened yet? Because I'm a selfish idiot who never even thought to point him out to the captaincy. I'm delaying his professional progress by holding him here.”"Jim, Spock once said he did not want a ship's command.”"But is that really true? Or did he never seek it out of loyalty to me? Or out of loyalty to Pike, who put me here. We know he came to Enterprise first. He deserved to be captain this ship more than I did.”“Easy there, Jim. Do not say that. You deserved to command the Enterprise; you know that. Spock knows that; that's why he respects you.”“But that does not answer the more important question, Bones.”"And what would be?""If Spock really does not want to be captain. He's a scientist, Bones; A researcher, an explorer. He's curious, like me. I know. I do not think he wants to spend the rest of his life as my First Officer on the same ship with the same people. Vulcans always want to learn more and more. Here he would only have more of the same.”“All right, boy, stop and listen a minute. First, no one here will spend the rest of his life on this ship. The Mission lasts only five years; perhaps the Fleet will extend it for another five, God forbid. So what're ten years in the life of a Vulcan? These green hobgoblins live on average of 240 years. Ten years is not enough time for Vulcans to get bored, if at all. And second, maybe Spock does not think so. I believe he likes to work with you. Have you asked him that? You see, he loves to work in this bathtub surrounded by illogical humans.”"Maybe he'll love working in his own bathtub surrounded by logical Vulcans."Jim finally sat down again. There was no apparent sadness, no simulated euphoria, only resignation. McCoy sighed."What did you say to Komack?"" I said I was happy for Spock and I am. Also, I promised to give him all the support he needs with the paperwork. Komack was not asking for my permission. He was just informing me of the Admirals' decision. Anyway, the final decision does not depend on me.”"And Spock?"" He and Komak are talking right now. I don't know what he's going to decide.”McCoy wanted to tell Jim that there was no reason to worry, that it is evident that Spock would stay on the Enterprise. However, the truth is that he was not sure. It was a unique opportunity, and Spock would have to be stupid to refuse. Vulcans are not usually stupid.He had realized how Jim and Spock's friendship had grown over the last few years, especially after the experience of almost... well, Jim's death. McCoy was aware of Jim's affection for Spock, and he knew now that Spock also had affection for Jim. The Vulcan had not spent a single day without visiting Jim in the hospital, always wondering how Jim's recovery was progressing and whether he had already left the coma.McCoy did not doubt that Spock considered Jim, his friend. What he was not sure was if Spock fully understood what this friendship meant to Jim. Because, by the heavens, stopping to think, not even McCoy fully understands Jim's friendship for Spock.No one could guess what was going on in that Vulcan's head. McCoy wondered if Spock would be able to act out of emotion and choose to stay on the ship where he had friends and a girlfriend, or whether he would be logical and rational as ever and assume the rank of captain on a new ship.If Spock decided to go, McCoy feared that Jim would regard this as abandonment what Jim would probably do." Jim, I think it's a waste of time to worry about something that has not even happened yet that might not even happen, but… What if Spock accepts?”“If he accepts, fine. It's good to he goes. Will be a new experience for him. A new challenge." Jim shrugged as if it meant nothing to him, but McCoy was not at all convinced.“hmmm... So where does all this leave you?”Jim tightened the fabric of his trousers."I'm an adult, Leonard. And a captain. I'll be fine without Spock.”McCoy does not contradict him, even if he did not believe Jim at all. Especially when Jim had returned to a reflective state, perhaps wondering to what extent his statement was true.They fell into a long silence and dared not say more...Five hours had passed since the meeting with Admiral Komack, and Jim had not bumped into Spock yet.Jim did not know if he was avoiding Spock unconsciously or if Spock was avoiding him. Alternatively, maybe it was just a coincidence, and Spock was working on some experience in the research labs. In any case, Jim has not even approached any scientific sector. Maybe he was really avoiding finding Spock.It was an illogical attitude, Spock would say. They were stuck on a ship in the middle of space, and sometime they will meet. If it were not in that day, it would be in the next morning on the bridge. He and Spock would take Alpha shift together.One way or another, Jim would have to know Spock's decision. Moreover, he told himself that he should not look sad when Spock came to him. Spock had the right to make his own decisions without any influence from Jim.All Jim's effort at hiding proved useless when Spock approached him when Jim returned from Engineering. Jim forced the usual smile on his First Officer, trying to look natural and lively as ever."Captain," the Vulcan greeted him.“Mr. Spock.” Jim was surprised to hear how his greeting sounded genuinely enthusiastic. Maybe it was a natural response to seeing his friend — the strength of habit.“Captain. Would you have free time tonight at 2100? There is something important that I would like to discuss with you.”"Of course, Spock. In my office?”"I do not object.”"See ya then.”Jim was a bit uncomfortable with the way Spock was looking at him. Also, he feared that the Vulcan would realize that his smile was beginning to appear forced."Excuse me, Captain." Spock did a slight bow and walked away.Jim released the air slowly. He stared at his friend's back as he walked away and found himself wishing the night would never come.Jim always knew someone could be promoted or transferred to another ship, but he never connected this possibility to Spock or Leonard. He liked to imagine them three always together. It was kind of fanciful, thinking now.When Spock stepped out of his field of vision, Jim became aware that he did not know what he would do without him. It would be very selfish of him, ask Spock to stay?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Can I help you, Mr. Spock?" Christine Chapel asked as the Vulcan entered the Medbay. She took a step closer, placing herself in his personal space. Spock stepped back.Miss Chapel was transferred to the position of Chief Nurse on the Enterprise two years, a suggestion from Dr. Marcus, who she is a friend. The previous occupant of the post had died in the incident with Kahn."I'm looking for the Captain. I heard he's here.""He's in the office with Dr. McCoy," she replied. The nurse pointed the way unnecessarily, Spock knew precisely where the Doctor's office was.Spock thanked the information and felt relieved when the nurse walked away from him to check on a patient. Chapel's insistent closeness was not the only thing that bothered him, but also the way she looked and smiled at him. Nyota had explained to him, with some disgust, that Chapel had "a fall for him."Illogical!That was no problem, according to Nyota, as long as Chapel didn't become bolder. Spock wondered if that would be cause for disagreement between the two women; however, after six months, Nyota and Chapel seemed very friendly to each other. Spock saw Nyota and Chapel having lunch and talking together in the mess room on several occasions.Spock approached the control panel next to the office door to request the entrance when he caught the Doctor's voice through the door."Jim, I think it's a waste of time to worry about something that has not even happened yet that might not even happen, but… What if Spock accepts?”Spock realized they were talking about him. Out of politeness, he wanted to back away, but Jim's voice kept Spock frozen there.“If he accepts, fine. It's good to he goes. Will be a new experience for him. A new challenge." The Captain sounded calm and unconcerned. Is that true? Does Jim think Spock should leave the ship?“hmmm... So where does all this leave you?” The Doctor again."I'm an adult, Bones. And a captain. I'll be fine without Spock.” Kirk sounded irritated. Captain, Jim... He didn't care if Spock left. He did not need him. Also, why Jim would need him?Spock considered immediately refusing the proposal by Komack. However, then he thought it would be improper and foolish to reject such an offer without first stopping to reflect upon it. Moreover, Komack was not willing to receive a no.He wanted to talk to Jim first, before making any decisions. Spock concerned that his sudden departure might affect the captain, or rather the progress of the ship. However, he began to see that his concern was illogical. Everything he does for the ship and your captain any other first officer could do it.Spock left without speaking to Jim...."Jim, can we talk?"Carol Marcus entered the captain's office at about 2040. Jim was finishing the latest reports of damage sustained on the last mission."Sorry, Carol. Not now. I'm expecting Spock for a meeting." His fingers typed quickly, and his eyes fixed on the monitor in front of him. He heard the woman make a sound of displeasure and found it prudent to look at her."I've been trying to talk to you for a week, and there's always something more important for you to do. Do not you have at least ten minutes?"Scratching his forehead, Jim rose from behind the desk and facing Carol."If this is about spending more time together again, I promise to check with Spock when I can take another shore leave, okay? I promise to leave it on schedule. However, I do not understand this; we were on leave a few more than two months ago.""Six weeks exactly. But I do not want to go on another license with you. The latter did not work well.""I thought you had fun. You insisted on going in the first place," Jim said, struggling to understand what the problem was.Jim was not quite sure how or when, but sometime in those three years after the fight against Kahn and Admiral Marcus, Jim and Carol started to get very close and eventually started dating. In secret, of course. For as a captain, Jim can not have a romantic relationship with any hierarchically inferior crew member.Maybe, the trauma brought them closer. Carol lost her father, and Jim lost Pike.Solitude was also a reason for them to have approached. In the first year on the Enterprise, Carol felt very alone. She felt the detachment from the crew. Alternatively, maybe it was she who felt like she did not belong there.In Jim's case, he felt a little abandoned by his two best friends. Leonard had become very busy and excited about the training of the new Chief Nurse. Also, with the other new nurses too, to be fair. Moreover, the Chief Medical Officer of a starship does not usually have much time off. So Spock...Spock was a contradiction. A mystery. The friendship between them had improved, yes. They had fewer misunderstandings and worked better than ever at the helm of the ship. Jim played with Spock and laughed at the Vulcan's dry mood, even Spock denying any sense of humor. They spent hours and hours playing chess and talking. However, that was changing.In the first year of the mission, Jim and Spock spent most of their time together. In the second year, Spock pulled away. Jim thought it was because new tasks came up to keep everyone constantly busy. However, later, Jim realized that it was something of Spock himself. In the last twelve months, Jim noticed that Spock spent more and more time with Uhura and less time with him. What should not be weird, after all, Uhura and Spock are boyfriends. However, Spock began to close and withdraw every time he was with Jim, more than usual. Daily chess games happen now only three or twice a week.Spock was distant, Carol closer.Having Carol was a relief.Ever since he started his sex life, Jim has always been dating or sleeping with someone. However, since becoming Captain of the Enterprise, the romantic side was not going well.Captain's life is not easy. Sometimes he felt lonely and in need of affection. Some company at the end of the day was already comforting.Dating with Carol gave him new life, even though they could only really be together in the Shore Leave. So Jim really liked her. The first six months were great, but then the small misunderstandings began. Curiously, about the same time that Spock had gone back to spending more time with Jim.Occasionally, Carol was throwing him in the face that Spock knew very well to share the time between Jim, the ship and the girlfriend. While Jim only divided his time in two, in which Jim did not include Carol. Jim knew very well what Carol was insinuating, but did not say anything, because she was not so wrong. So he tried to compensate by spending time with her, like the romantic night that they had on their last leave. They had gone to an exquisite Andorian restaurant and had a lovely night of love. It seems that was not enough. Jim did not know what else to do."But that's not what I came here to talk. I came to inform you that I requested my replacement for a ground search station. When we get to Earth, I'll disconnect from the Enterprise."Kirk was still sitting at his desk, arms folded. He was looking at her with frowning brows, trying to process the information."You want to leave the Enterprise? You cannot leave. Had to be fair now?""What's the problem with 'now'?""Spock will be transferred. It's still not 100 percent right, but...""Commander Spock is leaving the Enterprise?" She interrupted in surprise."They're going to promote him to captain. If Spock leaves, I'm going to need you with me...""For what? God, do you hear what you're saying? What if he goes? What do you want me to do? That I play chess with you? Maybe I even put a Vulcan ear prosthesis to look more like him, maybe you'll pay more attention to me."Jim looked away from the woman's face."You're cruel, Carol."The woman closed her eyes slowly, regretfully. "Excuse me. Excuse me. Look, the Microbiological Research Center is already awaiting my arrival.""Right... Well, it's going to be harder to keep in touch if you stay on Earth.""That's what I'm trying to say, Jim. We'll not keep in touch. I'm ending our relationship now."Jim frowns. "Carol, why?""Because you're not ready to take on a serious relationship. At least not with me.""We've been dating for a year. One year, Carol. So I've only been with you all along. It's more time than I've ever been with anyone.""It turns out we were not truly together all this time, Jim. And we've already started to argue.""I like you sincerely. I love you. If it bothers you to keep our relationship a secret then I... So we got married, and you can stay here, and we will not have to pretend."Carol looked at him in surprise."Oh, Jim!" She reaches up to cup his cheek. Jim took her hands and kissed them fondly. Carol noticed that his hands trembled slightly. She had not imagined that it would be so difficult for Jim. "I love you too, Jim, and I believe you love me, but I think we love differently.""That's silly...""No, it's not. It's easy to see. I'm not the priority in your life. I understand your duties as Captain, but that's not the only problem, you know." Jim was uncomfortable. "I'd love to marry you if I knew that's what you really want, but I know it's not. And I cannot stay here, Jim. I have my research about Terraforming, and you know that. I've been working on this for years, and I cannot do this project out here on the ship.""Then I leave my position as Captain; I get an assignment ashore, vice admiral, perhaps.Carol smiled at Kirk's optimistic mood; it was the first thing that drew her into him. She knew he was impulsive, trying to figure out how he could handle the problem."I could never allow you to do that. Let's be frank, James Kirk. You are as committed to your work as I am to mine. This ship is your home, your life; if you left it for a bureaucratic job on land, in five years or less, you would hate me for getting you out of your destiny. You'd hate yourself for making the wrong choice. We would be unhappy.""Fate..." Jim mutters bitterly. "You have no way of knowing that.""I know. You know too. You know you don't love me enough to spend the rest of your life with me. Your heart does not belong to me. You know that, don't you, Jim?" At that moment, a tear trickled down her face. Jim did not answer. "We'd better finish now while we're still friends."Jim just nodded his head in agreement. She walked to the door and stopped."Thank you for saving me from Kahn, for taking me in your ship and for not judging me for my father's mistakes. Thank you for being a friend when I needed you and for loving me the best you could. I'll try to remember that."Jim heard the door chimes open and close. He looked at the time in his PADD and realized that Spock would arrive in a few minutes.He did not feel able to talk to Spock now. He could not.Not now.He left the PADD and the communicator on the desk and fled the room...."I think I arranged to meet you in your office at 20 minutes ago."Spock found the captain on the Observation Deck, sitting on one of the benches, staring at the stars. The captain's golden shirt made him stand out in the dark background with bright spots. It was as if Jim was sitting in the middle of the stars. A sun with its system. A very nice sight.Jim flinched when Spock spoke and grimaced at see him."Spock, I'm sorry. I completely forgot," Jim explained. Spock could not tell whether it was true or not."Is something disturbing you?" Spock approached but continued in his perfect posture. Straight backs and arms bound behind the back."Why do you ask?" Jim kept his back to Spock."You're in the habit of coming here when you're anxious about something."Jim glanced at Vulcan over his shoulder, but he could not catch anything of his cold expression."And how do you know that, Spock?""For a scientist, observing facts and how often they occur, and arrive at an obvious conclusion, is a natural behavior."Jim smiled shyly."Don't worry; I'm just... resting a little. You know, our last mission was quite exhausting.""I'm sure no other Romulan ship will attempt to overtake the Neutral Zone. I believe those were only rebels. Your diplomatic solution was very wise and logical, Captain, if I may say so.""Thanks, Spock." Jim smiled minimally. It was not the smile that Spock was accustomed to.Silence fell on them, an unpleasant silence. It was weird. Jim is always very eloquent, Spock thought."I think it best to leave our conversation for tomorrow if you want it. ""You don't have to go, Spock. We can talk now. I suppose it's about Komack's proposal.""Indeed."Jim indicated the space on the bench, and Spock came and sat down beside him."Look, it's a wonderful opportunity, Spock. Captain! I do not know anyone who deserves it more than you do," Jim said. His words were genuine. He truly believed that Spock deserved to be promoted, and much more."I am honored with your consideration. It is not the position that attracts me, however, but the scientific potential of the mission in question.""I thought you'd be interested."After a moment of silence, Jim added:"I want you to know that if you want to go, you have my full support. I do not want you to feel obligated to stay here. We all have the right to follow our dreams. Or we may regret not doing so. This is something humans say, but I think it applies to all species. After all, we all have a goal, a purpose. We all have something we long for, more than anything else. It's almost uncontrollable.""Uncontrollable..." the Vulcan murmured so softly that Jim almost did not hear.Spock was silent, his gaze strangely unfocused."So what was your decision?" Jim tried not to look so anxious or apprehensive for the answer.Spock was silent for another few seconds. Jim saw the Vulcan's brown eyes turned to him. A warm and familiar sensation spread through his body when Spock looked him in the eyes."I decided to accept it."Jim was aware of how empty and cold the room was. He felt her heart fail for a second. Despite this, he pulled energy did not know where and grabbed Spock's shoulder."In that case, congratulations, Captain Spock!"The Vulcan stiffened, surprised at the contact. However, he did not move away from the touch of the human."Thank you, Jim. I must confess that I am gratified for the opportunity to be your First Officer."Jim smiled genuinely. The smile Spock knew.When he realized they were looking at each other again, Jim cleared his throat and stood up."Well, I think I'm going to retire." He gestured toward the door and smirked."Would you let me accompany you, Captain?" Spock asked, standing beside Jim."Of course, Spock."Their footsteps were in sync. They did not say anything else, but it was all right. The silence was comfortable now....When he was in the safety of his room, Jim ordered the computer to leave the lights at 10 percent. He got rid of his captain's uniform and lay down on the bed.Staring at the ceiling, listening to the sound of the ship's metal creaking, Jim sighed in defeat. It seemed too unlucky to know that he would lose Spock and Carol the same day.The images of his mother and his brother going away came to mind."Why are you surprised, James? Nobody wants to be with you." Jim repeated one of his stepfather's favorite phrases, Frank."Nor can I force anyone to love me," Jim said to no one.He is alone. Again.