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"Remind me why we're doing this?" Ezor said. "As an exercise in strategizing." "Yes," said Lotor. "Thank you, Acxa." "So, what did you guys pick?" Ezor said. "Hey!" Coran snapped. "No disclosure before we've started the game!" "Well, is it gonna take you much longer? Because I wanna strategize myself to the kitchen or something right now." "Just a few more tics," said Coran. "Don't you want the full experience of one of Coran's masterpiece campaigns?" "I told you we should have brought snacks," Ezor said to Zethrid. "No need," said Coran. "We're all set up now. So, remember to keep track of your notifications, and above all, be creative!" He distributed the newly-minted game pieces. "We'll start off in the tavern," he said. "What are you all doing in the tavern?" "Eating." "Drinking." "Stealing." "Entertaining." "Excellent," said Coran. "Narti?" He checked his screen. "Narti is not in the tavern." "Hey," Zethrid said. "You never said that was an option!" "I never said it WASN'T an option." "Oh, come on," Ezor smirked at her. "Like you'd be doing anything but drinking, anyway." "Now, now," said Coran. "Remember the rules. We play as mean as we want to in the game, but in real life we play nice." "Yeah," Zethrid said. "Do you WANT to know how mean we've played in real life?" "No, I don't," said Coran. "But we're starting now. Everybody close your eyes. Yes, that means you, too. Now. It's a dark and precipitation-heavy night, and you've decided to go into Coran's Corpuscular Tavern." "Really?" Zethrid said. "What kind of a name for a place is THAT?" "A gay one," said Ezor. "Oh. Okay." "Ahem," Coran cleared his throat. "It's bright and warm in the tavern, with all sorts of people from all sorts of places. There's a large flomptoad roasting on the fire, and the whole place smells of it." "Do you have to do this when I'm already hungry?" Ezor whined. Coran kept on. "The fire's being tended by a very gorgeous man, and another very gorgeous man is serving drinks at the bar. And there's a different gorgeous man going around waiting tables." "All right, who are YOU guys picturing?" Ezor said. "Uh…" said Zethrid. "How about Flemdak the Magnifcent?" "No. The gorgeous men look like me," said Coran. "Hmph," Ezor muttered. "What happened to all that imagination stuff?" "I need you all on the same wavelength for the magic to happen," said Coran. "Are you all picturing a warm tavern full of gorgeous men?" "That's asking an awful lot from THIS crew." "Well, imagine harder. Let's begin." The tavern was warm and full of gorgeous men. Among them was a figure, darting between people and taking things out of their pockets. At the table, it stopped. "Oh my god, Acxa, is that YOU?" Acxa looked up. "Ezor. Hello." "Look at your EARS!" Acxa put a hand to one. "You picked 'human,' didn't you," Ezor sat down next to her. "That's so cute. I gotta touch your ears." Acxa sighed and put down her crust of bread. "What are YOU supposed to be?" she asked Ezor. "I'm an Ylil, which, if you'd read the MANUAL you'd know is a highly advanced reptile from Altean mythology." "Did YOU read it, or did you just like the picture?" "You know, I didn't come here to get insulted, I came here to… do other stuff." "Yes. You're trying to go through my pockets while touching my ears to distract me." "Dammit Acxa, do you have to take the fun out of EVERYTHING?" "Do you have to keep touching my ears?" "I'm not kidding that they're cute. Does EVERYTHING I do have to be suspicious?" "It's not unprecedented." Ezor scoffed and put her feet up on the table. "Well anyway, Human Acxa. What brings you here?" Acxa ripped a chunk of bread. "I was abandoned on the steps of a monastery and raised as a member of the faith." "Do you always begin conversations this way?" "Uh…" Ezor leaned back and stretched out her arms. "I came here to steal shit and get rich. Sounds a bit more fun, huh?" "But why?" "Why NOT? How else am I gonna afford my castle?" "What castle?" "The one I haven't bought yet. But once I do, I won't have ANYBODY to mess with me." She leaned forward to grab something off Acxa's plate. "So. Which one do you suppose Zethrid is?" Acxa checked the room. "Probably whichever one doesn't have a mustache." "Excuse you both, I'm right here," someone said beside them. It was an Altean, with dark skin and dark hair. "No shit!" Ezor said. "That's YOU? And you're just listening in and not having any fun?" "Who said I wasn't having fun?" Zethrid lifted her stein. "It's hilarious to watch you guys annoy each other." "Yeah, and have you seen Acxa's little HUMAN EARS? Isn't she adorable??" "Course she is," Zethrid ruffled Acxa's hair. "Didn't you want to be something taller?" Acxa folded her arms. "Didn't YOU want to be something STRONGER?" Zethrid snorted. "You haven't seen anything yet. So," she smacked the stein on the table. "Castle, huh?" "You bet!" Ezor said. "There's gonna be food and servants and really thick walls. You wanna join me?" "Depends," Zethrid said. "What's in it for ME?" "We get to hang out." "Sure. Great." "Are you two supposed to know each other?" Acxa said. "This doesn't sound like an organic conversation." "Oh, right," Ezor said. "We're 'practicing strategizing.' Hey Zethrid, what are you drinking?" "I don't know, but it's probably not something you give to children." "That would be nunvil!" somebody appeared beside them. It was a waiter who looked an awful lot like Coran. "Harvested from the early spring buds of the bafoopi tree and cured for seven phoebs in a moisture-controlled environment, it's also known as the nectar of the gods!" "I didn't actually care that much," Ezor said. "Oh, good, neither did I," said the man. "What I DO care about is a little quest I have for you all!" "Can it make me rich?" Ezor said. "Yes, it can," he said. "Intellectually and spiritually." "Oh. Nah, I'm good." Not-Coran laughed. "That's what you say now, with your lack of intellectual and spiritual wealth." "Story of my life, buddy." "Well, perhaps your adventurous friends would like to take me up on this instead." "No, they wouldn't," Ezor said. "My friends deserve way better than that. They're getting a castle." "Without MY help?" "Yeah, without your help. Hey, better go clean up that table over there. Looks like somebody broke a dish." She nicked a coin from his pocket as he left. "Man. When does this game start getting FUN?" "It's not fun," Acxa said. "We're honing our problem-solving skills." "Well, my current problem is that I'm bored," Ezor said. She looked around the room. "Who's that dork on the lyre? That's quite a rock he's got." "Ezor, that's Lotor." "What, do you have a backstory with him? Who's doing it wrong now?" "Um…" Ezor got up. "Well, come on, let's go say hi. We gotta have SOMETHING interesting to do around here." They crossed the tavern to the corner, where the lone minstrel was sitting. "Good morrow, friends," he nodded at them. "Are you here with a request?" "Sure," Ezor said. "How about 'Clargy Flizzwompers of the Morkablorks?'" "I don't think I know that one," Lotor said. "And you call yourself worldly." "I haven’t called myself anything," Lotor played a couple notes. The waiter who looked like Coran came by. "Another draught on the house, my good sir?" Lotor waved a hand. "Not for now, thank you." "Well, I'LL take it," Ezor said. "Sorry," said Not-Coran. "Performers only." "Aww, man," Ezor pouted. "I want to get a job at a gay bar." "Well, it's not quite a job," Lotor said. "I'm just passing through." "Does anybody really PASS THROUGH a gay bar?" Not-Coran made an indignant sound. "I'll have you know that this tavern is heterosexual-inclusive!" he said. "Yeah, but are there any HERE?" The fire hissed loudly with flomptoad grease. "Did I hear you say you had a quest to give?" Lotor asked the man. Ezor made a face. "Oh, come on, you want to take a quest from THIS guy? That free drink is worth more than whatever he'd pay us to do this. And I want my castle." "It may not pay much," said the man. "But it's exciting and dangerous and a story for the ages!" "I'm listening," Lotor said. "I'm not," said Ezor. "Come on, Lotor, we always do what you wanna do. What about what we wanna do?" Acxa looked between Lotor and Not-Coran. "I'm not sure that's how this is supposed to work." "Oh, loosen up, stuffy," Ezor thumped her on the back. "Can't Human Acxa be more fun than Normal Acxa?" "I think she's Lawful Good," Zethrid said. "Aw, fuck." "Someone has to do it," Acxa said. "And I didn't expect it from either of YOU." "Which 'either?'" Ezor said. "There's three of us." "I think you know which 'either.'" "Yeah," Ezor said. "THOSE two." "Oh yeah?" Zethrid scoffed. "I'm afraid I don't know what she's talking about," Lotor said. "Have you called upon divine sources for this information?" "No," said Acxa. "But I could." "Oh, that's cool," Zethrid said. "I just picked the spells that let me blow shit up to fuck." "They're both valuable skills," Lotor said. "Yeah," said Zethrid. "So, what can YOU do?" It was that moment when Ezor reached from a blind spot and grabbed Lotor's amulet. Nobody would have noticed her do it if she hadn't immediately dropped dead. "What the FUCK?" Zethrid recoiled. All the patrons looked over at the same time. "Oh no, she's dead!" And with that, they returned to their business. Lotor gently slid the body to the floor. "That is unfortunate." "What… happened?" Acxa said. "She touched something that didn't belong to her." "Yeah," Zethrid said. "Do you want to tell us about that?" "Not particularly." "Then I guess we're off to a great start. Does anybody have…" Zethrid nudged Ezor with her foot, "a way to fix this?" "NO NEED, WE'RE ALL GOOD." It was Ezor, busting in through the door. "Oh, hey, welcome back," Zethrid said. "Are you allowed to do that?" said Acxa. "Coran didn't stop me, so yes," Ezor strode across the room. "All right, gimme a tic, and then let's take this party outside." She knelt down next to her dead body and dug through its pockets. "Hey, what…" Not-Coran popped in beside her. "Sorry, I'm afraid that when you died, all the coins fell out of your pockets and under the floorboards." "I don't see any cracks in the floorboards!" "There's one right there," Not-Coran pointed. Ezor sighed. "This game sucks."
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You feel a strange presence as you walk through the forest. "Anybody else getting the creeps?" Ezor said. "You too, huh?" said Zethrid. "Any idea what it is?" "Maybe," said Lotor. They walked closer together in the woods and the rain. A figure stepped quietly out of the trees, with a cloak and a hood and a strange way of moving. "Whoa," Ezor said. "Hi there?" "Are you looking for trouble," Zethrid growled. The figure didn't answer, but stepped slowly closer into the group. Its hands were out, and it turned its head this way and that as though it were listening. "The fuck is this thing doing?" Ezor said. It came up to Acxa and traced a symbol in front of her. They all watched it, rapt. It went up to Zethrid and did the same thing. "Narti, is this you?" Ezor said. "What the fuck are you doing?" "No questions out of character!" said Coran. The figure made a symbol in front of Lotor. It stopped. "Well," Zethrid said. "If this thing isn't Narti, maybe we should kill it." "It hasn't hurt us yet," Acxa said. "That we know of," said Lotor. "Acxa, can you contact a higher source regarding the nature of this character?" "I can try." "Oh boy!" Ezor cheered. "Magic!" Zethrid snorted at her. "You know, you could have been something magical, too." "Yeah, but have you seen my TEETH?" Acxa was drawing a seal on the wet ground. She placed a stone in one section and a leaf in another. For the third, she drew a knife. "That'll be one hit point," said Coran. "I'm aware." She squeezed a drop of blood over the final rune and closed her eyes. "Wow," Ezor said. "Maybe doing magic actually kind of sucks." In a flash of light, the stone and the leaf disappeared. The circle was glowing, just slightly. "That means it worked, right?" Zethrid said. "Quiet!" hissed Lotor. "Don't distract her!" Acxa took in one breath, then two. "I come with a question," she said. "Speak it, I am listening." "Right," Ezor scoffed. "How are you gonna make this sound like something you'd actually be asking in the GAME?" "Ezor…" Lotor warned. "The divine are unconcerned with such things," Acxa said. "Oh. Good, then?" "Ask it fast," Zethrid said. "The circle's fading." "Is this person who came to us someone we know?" Acxa said. "Who ISN'T Coran," Ezor added. "Yes," Acxa said. "Someone you know who is not Coran." "Well, that's good to know." The light of the circle went out. Acxa opened her eyes. "You got an answer?" "You just SAID it," Ezor said. "Look, it says so right here." "Hey! No monitor-sharing!" Coran shut off Ezor's screen. "Oh," Ezor took it back. "Nice picture, though." "Why, thank you," said Coran. "I've been using that screensaver since my much younger days." "Yeah, I can tell. Now you look like an old guy." "You know, it's dangerous to insult the game master during a campaign." "Bring it on, mustache," Ezor pounded the table. "We got Narti now, we'll spit out anything you throw at us!" Lotor looked Narti up and down. "I'm not so sure we should trust her," he said. "What," Ezor scoffed. "You got something against hooded, cloaked figures that show up in the middle of the night? You probably just offended her. You offended, Narti?" She pulled up the stranger's hood and looked underneath it and promptly dropped dead.
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"How can you keep coming back like this?" Acxa said. "Because magic," Ezor stacked up her two dead game pieces. "Pockshit," Zethrid said. "You said you can't do magic." "Well, maybe that was hasty of me." "You know, Ezor," Lotor smirked a bit, "I want to hear your explanation for this." "Explanation. Okay." Ezor put down the game pieces. "Well, I'm a lizard, so. All my new characters are from a big nest of lizards that all look the same." Lotor hid a chuckle. "So, why do they all know what you know?" he said. "Because we share a fucking consciousness, Lotor, god, do you know a THING about biology?" Zethrid grinned at Lotor. "So, what are the other Ezors doing right now?" she asked. "Don't YOU start on me!" Ezor snarled. "The others haven't hatched yet. There's only one of me at a time. Because magic." "Very interesting," said Coran. "See," Ezor said. "You're not the only one who can pull stuff out of your ass." There was a sound coming out of the woods. "Oh no, look what I've just pulled out of my ass," Coran said. "There's a big monster coming towards you!" They all tensed as the monster crashed through the trees. Its body looked like fire, coursing and black. When it opened its mouth, something that sounded like words came out. Zethrid put herself in front of everyone else. "Stand back," she growled. "I' m gonna blast this fuck to the end of the universe." "Hang on, Zethrid," Ezor called. "You don't need to do that." She snapped a branch off a tree and slipped it under Lotor's pendant. "Ezor, wait!" "Eat this, motherfucker!" she flung the amulet at the creature. The monster made a terrible sound as the amulet hit it. From the point of impact, it rippled into nothingness. "See how much easier that was?" Ezor said. The rest of them looked a little less pleased. "Ezor, I think Lotor's dead."
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"Okay, well how was I supposed to know that was gonna happen?" "Ezor, be quiet," Acxa said. "Give me some time to check the manual." "If you didn't pick the right build, you don't have the spell," Zethrid said. "Trust me, I read that part." Narti came out of the woods with Lotor's amulet. "Hey," Ezor complained. "How come YOU don't die from that?" Narti waved her empty hand. "Oh. Gloves?" She nodded. "Man, don't fuck with Narti," Ezor leaned against a tree. "Girl's a fuckin' tank." "Or she just remembered to equip a pair of gloves," Acxa said. "Well, how was I supposed to know I would need THOSE? Looks like YOU didn't prepare that well, either." Acxa kept on scrolling through the manual. Narti came beside her and knelt over Lotor's dead body. In the darkness, the amulet shone like water. Narti placed a hand on Lotor's chest, tracing a shape, then stopping, laying the stone on top of him. She took his hand in both of hers, and the symbol turned to light. In the next instant, it was gone. Everyone blinked. Lotor opened his eyes. "Hey, what gives," Ezor said to Narti. "Why didn't you do that for ME?" Acxa flipped through her book one more time before putting it away. "Shouldn't you be grateful that she's fixing YOUR mistake?" she said. Ezor scoffed and looked away. "Well, actually, I wanted his boots." "Good to see you again too, Ezor," Lotor said, putting the string around his neck. Zethrid gave him a hand to sit up. "Sir, how are you feeling?" "Like death." "Yeah, you look like shit," Ezor said. "And whose fault is THAT?" "Well hey, at least Narti's got you covered." They turned to look at her. She was huddled on the ground. "Narti, please don't tell me you're sick now." Zethrid put a hand on Narti's shoulder. "She must have used up her own life force to bring Lotor back," Zethrid said. "Cause there ARE spells like that." "What's your health, buddy?" Ezor asked Lotor. "One hit point." "Oof. Narti?" Narti didn't respond. "I'm gonna take that as 'not good,'" Ezor said. "Does anybody know any healing spells?" Zethrid scoffed. "You mean besides Narti?" "Yeah, someone aliver than Narti," Ezor said. Acxa reached again for the book. "I might be able to pray for divine assistance," she said. "No, you can't," Zethrid said. "I looked." "What about YOU, Miss Magic?" Ezor said. "My spells are all for the offensive, I don't have any healing stuff." "Great," Ezor said. "Then I guess this party's pretty fucked. Don't wait up for me, I think I'm gonna go grab a snack." "Ezor, you're staying here until we're finished," Acxa said. "We'll figure something out." "If we meet anybody, I can threaten them into helping us," Zethrid said. "I'd prefer that you didn't." "Or we could just drink ourselves to death and start a new game," Ezor said. "Ezor, this is a problem-solving module." "Yeah, and that's how I'd solve it." Acxa sighed. Some raucous peasants suddenly came stumbling from the direction of the bar. "Isn't it wonderful that there's a potion shop precisely fifteen squares to the northwest of here?" one of them said. And then they were gone.
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The rain had let up several turns ago and it was getting on toward morning. "Man, what a pretty sunrise!" Ezor said. "Oh yeah, Narti, can you see it as whatever you are?" Curled in Zethrid's arms, Narti didn't answer. "You mean with the hood on or off?" Zethrid said. "Forget I asked," said Ezor. "But can we maybe take a break or something? I'm getting kinda tired of lugging this guy around." "The longer we take, the more danger we'll be in," Acxa said. "Says you, who's hardly doing any work over there," Ezor grumbled. "Well, Ezor," Lotor smirked, "perhaps you're just too tall for your own good." "Do you want me to drop you?" "I don't think Acxa would appreciate that." "How about we trade?" Zethrid said. "I swear Narti doesn't weigh ANYTHING." "I think I'm done messing with Narti," Ezor said. "How about food? Does anybody have any food?" "Is that really all you're thinking about?" Acxa said. "No," said Ezor. She let go of Lotor's arm, and Acxa buckled with the weight. "I'm also thinking about that creepy shadow that's coming out of the woods." They all turned to face it, except Narti. It was long and dark, with the same intangible look as the monster from before. "You guys get back," Zethrid put Narti on the ground. "This time I'm ACTUALLY gonna blast it." "Name your spell," said the monster. "Revenge of the Gods," said Zethrid. "Already?" said the monster. "Yes!"
"You can only cast Revenge of the Gods once per campaign."
"Well, I'm casting it now!"
"All right. Give it a roll, then."
Zethrid rolled the die. "Oh," said Coran. "That's not very good." The monster caught her spell and slung it back. "That's thirty damage to you, and sixteen to Ezor for standing too close." "Aw, fuck THAT!" Ezor pulled out a knife. "Get your ass over here!" She stabbed at the monster and missed. It knocked her over with a twist of its long body and pinned her down. "Acxa, thwack him!" Acxa thwacked him. It pinned her too in retaliation. The monster's body seemed to have no end. With its head on a long, dark neck, it turned to Lotor, on the ground. "Lotorrrrr," it crackled. It was but a few inches away from him. Lotor looked up at it, clutching the lyre. "So, it's one of YOU," he said. "Kindly tell me why you're here." The monster made a terrible sound like a growl. "Give us back our treasure." "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about." The monster drew even closer in. "I can hear it. I can smell it." "Would somebody PLEASE fucking hit this thing?" Ezor yelled from the ground, jabbing at the monster's body. There was heat and a cracking sound. The monster's head split open with a bright golden blade. It writhed and gargled before falling still to the ground. "Thank you," Ezor said. "What WAS that?" "Swords of Revealing Light," said Zethrid, tugging down her sleeves. "With a much better roll." "Oh, cool," Ezor said. "But I think I still did damage, so I get a cut of the loot." Acxa stood up and brushed some dirt off her mantle. "Loot." The monster's body disappeared, leaving behind a sack of gold. "THAT loot!" Ezor picked it up. "I just knew this guy's been eating people with their wallets!" The coins clicked as she counted them out. "Fifty-eight! Not bad! You guys wanna share this, or can I hold onto it for now?" "Don't complain that it's too heavy," Acxa folded her arms. "Speaking of which, I'm gonna carry Narti this time. You are still alive, right Narti?" Narti stirred when she touched her. "Awesome." "Indeed," Lotor said. "We should get moving if we don't want another encounter." "Yeah, about that," Zethrid said, shouldering him up. "Why was that thing talking to you?" "I'm not sure I know," Lotor said. "You seemed to know SOMETHING," said Ezor. She cradled Narti in her arms and picked her up. "That's a bit personal." "Yeah, well we are PERSONALLY hanging out with you and you are PERSONALLY invited to live in our castle someday, and I am very personally curious." Acxa got to Lotor's other side. He let out a breath as she took his arm. "There's a chance I might have made a certain agreement with a certain unsavory crowd." "You mean those monsters that keep attacking us?" Ezor said. "They're not monsters. They're demons." "Oh, well, excuse me, princess." "What's this treasure they're talking about?" Zethrid said. Lotor fingered his amulet. "That's what I don't understand. Our agreement was made in very specific terms, with their full knowledge and consent." "Terms like what?" Zethrid asked. "Nothing to hurt anyone but me." "But what WAS it?" Ezor said. "Just an exchange of my soul for a certain few benefits." "Well, there you go," Ezor said. "They want your soul." "Per the contract, they receive it after my natural death. 'Natural' being defined as 'not involving them.'" "Well, I don't know about the demons," Ezor said, "but speaking as ME, I would totally double-cross you after giving you something cool." "But that's the thing," Zethrid said. "Demons are bound by rules. They can't break a deal unless something else broke it FIRST." "Is that an accusation?" Lotor said. "No, better idea," Ezor said. "Lotor is technically undead and they're coming for his soul NOW." "Do I look dead to you?" "You did a few minutes ago." "Again, thank you for that." "By the way Acxa, have you been paying attention to this?" Ezor said. "THIS is how you lay down a backstory." Acxa frowned. "I don't see YOU doing a much better job," she said. "Hey, don't get cranky on me just because you're carrying Mister Deadweight over there. You had the chance to carry Narti and you blew it. Zethrid's right, she's lighter than a groffit."
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The potion shop was run by a familiar-looking gorgeous man. "Welcome, travelers," he said. "How might I be of assistance?" "Hello, potion seller," Lotor said. "Pray, tell us about your wares.” "Oh, I'm so glad you asked!" said the shopkeeper. "I've got a fine little number right here that heals half your missing health on an odd roll or one quarter of it on an even roll, with a deduction of two points for every creature in the current encounter, or for every active party member if NOT in an encounter, with a four percent bonus for every magic item in your inventory, one bonus point for every previously defeated enemy, ten percent penalty for every resurrection, fifty percent chance of removing magical effects whether harmful or beneficial, has no effect on party members with over ninety -" "Ow! Fuck!" Ezor hissed. "And all of my goods are concocted to cause damage if touched when not paid for!" "Fine," Ezor grumbled. "This one probably sucks, anyway." "Oh, that's what YOU think," said the shopkeeper. "It's a very rare healing potion that can bring you to a hundred and fifty percent of your health capacity! Now with only a twenty-five percent chance of causing you to explode!" "Uhh," Zethrid looked around. "Do you have anything else?" "Why, yes!" said the man. "I also have a Maklanna leaf potion that will heal everyone in your party to full health!" They waited. "And that's it?" Zethrid said. "Of course," said the man. "What kind of a shop do you think I'm running here?" "Whatever," Ezor held out her hand. "We'll take it." "Oh, wonderful!" said the man. "That'll be fifty-eight grogs." "Are you SERIOUS?" Ezor gaped. "I swear, this game is RIGGED." "Fifty-eight, no adjustments." "Eugh," Ezor rolled her eyes. "Anyone else have any gac on them?" "Grogs, not gac," Lotor said. "WHAT EVER." "I've got, like, four," Zethrid said. "I've taken a vow of poverty," said Acxa. Ezor sighed. "Fine. I'll cover you all this time, but you owe me when we get that castle. You could still live in a castle, right Acxa?" "Probably not." "Well, you would break rules for ME, right? You love me." "Ezor," Zethrid growled. "People are dying right now." "Fine, fine." She handed the money to the shopkeeper, who gave her the potion. "Notice how it doesn't burn you once you've paid for it," he said. "Yeah, I got that," Ezor sneered, uncorking the flask. She took the first hit and passed it to Zethrid. Zethrid gave it to Narti. "It's a good thing you all managed to get here safely," said the shopkeeper as they shared the potion. "What with an evil sorcerer ruling the entire land." "Oh great, there's an evil sorcerer," Ezor said. "Maybe he has a nice castle we can inherit." "Maybe he does," said the shopkeeper. "Would you like to have a look at my patented Mean Potion?" "No, I wanna hear about the sorcerer's castle," Ezor said. "Does it have nice drapery? Can I SELL the drapery?" "Don't you want to hear about the Mean Potion? It took me nine deca-phoebs to perfect it!" "Come on, you KNOW we're broke! Just tell us about the sorcerer!" "I'd prefer talking about things I like." "CORAN, stop it!" "Who?" Ezor growled into her hands. "How do we make this guy talk?" Lotor looked a bit thoughtful. He took out a die. "I roll to seduce the shopkeeper." "WHAT?" "Do you want the information, or don't you?" "Yeah, I want it, I just don't want to see you NAKED." "Fear not. Seduction is but an art of aesthetics." "Clothes on, I hope." Lotor flipped his hair and leaned on the counter. "It's a shame you won't tell us more about the sorcerer," he said, taking out his lyre. "It's as if I've been practicing this song for nothing." Ezor stared. "Dude, are you SPARKLING?" "It was a high roll." Lotor played a chord. "Well…" the shopkeeper tugged his mustache. "I suppose I could go on a bit. What do you want to know?" Lotor played another chord, and a few single notes. "What is the sorcerer's weakness?" "A well-kept secret," said the shopkeeper. "All right. Where does he live?" "In a place where life itself is broken." Lotor tucked his hair behind an ear, playing the next chord before the rhythm broke. "And what is the sorcerer's name?" The shopkeeper drew a long sigh. "Afraid I'm not at liberty to say." "What if Lotor takes his shirt off?" Ezor said. Lotor shot her a look and stopped playing. The sparkles disappeared. "All right, you win," the shopkeeper put his hands up and closed his eyes. "His name is Evil Sorcerer Moran. That's your last question." Acxa checked her notifications. "Apparently I've heard that name before." "Yeah, of course," Ezor said. "It's obviously Coran." "No. I mean in the game." "Oh yeah?" Ezor tried to get a look at Acxa's monitor. "What else does that thing say?" Acxa scanned the note. "The name used to come up very rarely among the Order of Tann-Marri. But every time it did, we were told not to speak of him." "Great," Ezor said. "So you don't know jack about this guy." "No, but somebody in the Order must." Zethrid snorted. "After HOW many generations of not talking about him?" "I don’t hear you offering any ideas." "You guys never like my ideas anyway." "So," Lotor said. "Where is the Order of Tann-Marri?" "About ten units to the east of here," Acxa read. Narti put a hand on her shoulder. "Narti?" "I think she's saying she wants a piggyback ride," Ezor said. Narti crossed her arms and shook her head. "You're bad at this," Acxa said.
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The monastery of Tann-Marri was inside a great stone wall, with vines that wove between the rocks and moss that covered each one. There was a single door in the wall, over a couple of stone slats that may or may not have arisen naturally. Without them, the door would have been impossible to discern through the moss. "Nice bungalow," Ezor said. "Looks about as hard to get into as a castle." "Well, I can't let you in," Acxa said. "We don't allow any outsiders." "Well, you're welcome for inviting you to my castle, then." "I don't make the rules, Ezor." Acxa reached for the door. She stopped when Narti took her hand. "Narti? What is it?" Narti squeezed a bit tighter and shook her head. "This is what we're doing," Acxa said. "Unless you have another idea." Narti waited, then let her go. Acxa opened the door and stepped through. They all waited and watched. "Acxa?" Ezor said after a bit. "What's going on?" She poked her head through the door. "Oh, shit." There were bodies all over the ground, with their robes and their staves and their books open in the wind. Ezor crossed the threshold and stood beside Acxa. "These were people that I knew," Acxa said. "Yeah, that really blows. Coran, what did you DO to this place?" Zethrid followed in after them. "Shit, this is pretty awful. What happened?" "Maybe there's some evidence here," Ezor bent down to a dead body. "And maybe some jewelry, too." Acxa frowned. "Ezor, if you loot these bodies, I'm going to kill you." "Whoa. What happened to lawful good?" "With all respect, Acxa," Lotor came up to them, "Ezor's right that we should investigate these." "Well I'll tell you what I see," Zethrid said. "No injuries and no signs of a struggle. Look, that dude's still sitting on the BENCH." "Wait," Ezor said. "What was that joke I keep hearing about the Kool-Aid?" "We do not have Kool-Aid here," Acxa said. "Well, you definitely have something magical," said Zethrid. "To kill that many people at once with no way to tell why." Acxa pulled a handful of grass from the ground. "We'll ask the spirits in the temple." The ceiling of the temple was vaulted like a ribcage. Every footstep echoed through the hall, ca-chook, ca-chook, ca-chook. "You guys keep it dark enough in here?" Zethrid asked. "No torches allowed," Acxa said as she led them through the room. "Who's gonna stop us?" said Ezor. "Ezor," Lotor said. "Just stating the facts." "Unkindly." "Says the guy who talks to demons for shits and gigs," Ezor scoffed. "Hey Acxa, if you wanna drop more backstory on us, now's a good time to do it." "Okay then," Acxa said. "So normally the Order doesn't welcome people from outside." "Unless it's YOU, apparently," Ezor said. "An infant isn't an outsider. An infant hasn't learned to belong anywhere." "Yeah, tell that to my nest of clones," Ezor said. "I'm pretty sure they're all watching the video of my life as we speak." "Yeah, about that," Zethrid said. "Do you guys hatch naked, or with clothes?" "Zethrid," Lotor said. "We're listening to Acxa right now." Acxa took a stone from atop a wooden table. "The Order has been in decline for years. We're the last connection." "That last connection to what?" Lotor asked. "Nobody remembers anymore." "Oh, great," Ezor said. "You sure there was gonna be anything here to help us in the first place?" Acxa pointed to the floor. There was a pattern in the tiles. "Oh," Ezor said. "Okay?" "It's how we contact the other side." Acxa placed the stone and the grass on the seal. "Oh, I think I've seen this jazz before," Ezor said. "Did you want me to explain anything or not." "Keep at it, girl." Acxa put a hand to the floor. "To contact the other side takes a sacrifice of that which the Order holds sacred." Lotor scoffed. "Sacred. That's lovely, but I'm afraid nothing is sacred anymore. All that's left is power." "That's pretty pessimistic of you," Ezor said. "Are you disagreeing with me?" "No." "Maybe you guys should shut up?" Zethrid said. "I think Acxa's already having a bad day." The tile under Acxa's hand was loose. Underneath it was a knife made of green and red stone. "Oh, that is NICE," Ezor said. "It's a holy artifact, and if you steal it, you're going to regret it." "Man, someone's REALLY not having a good day today." "If I may hazard a guess," Lotor said, "that knife has a stat bonus when used for divination." "Glad I'm not the ONLY one who read the manual," Zethrid said. Ezor scoffed. "And you want me to NOT steal a magic knife?" "It's not magic," Acxa said. "It's crafted from the Order's favored stone." "Okay, this is the part where you can stop giving us the backstory, because rock talk is boring." "No, please go on," Lotor said. "God dammit Lotor." "It represents our three sacred materials," Acxa said, kneeling in the center of the seal. "The flesh that grows from the vine, the vine that grows from the earth, and the earth that grows from itself." "That's interesting," Lotor said. "How is that INTERESTING?" said Ezor. "It's interesting because my demon compatriots are specifically allied with destruction. With fire in particular." "I'm not following how that's interesting," Ezor said. "It's possible that the demons and the Order might be opposing forces of some kind. One that favors creation and one that favors destruction." "Okay, that might be TRUE, but I don't think it's INTERESTING," Ezor said. "I think you're just a nerd." Acxa shot her a look. "Are you acting in character, or just being mean?" "I'm being mean in character. Coran said I could." "Be careful, Ezor," Lotor smirked. "She might want YOUR blood for this ritual." In the center of the seal, Acxa held up the knife. "I can't in good conscience use any but my own." Zethrid moved in and clenched a hand around the blade. "There. You didn't." When the blood hit the tiles, the circle began to glow. Acxa put down the knife, breathed, and closed her eyes. "I come with a question," she said. The stone glowed too, and the grass, and the blood. They streamed with light, as though they were dissolving into the air. Outside the circle, the knife dirtied the floor. Her hands clutched into fists. "It was an accident!" she cried. "I didn't know! I don't want to talk!" Ezor moved in to touch her, but Lotor held her back. "Hey, calm down there," Ezor said. "Don't talk to me," said Acxa. She curled up on the seal. "I don't want to talk right now, stop making me talk. I swear it was an accident." Narti came up to the circle, took her by the shoulders, and pulled her off. The glow of the seal disappeared, with the offerings of earth and grass and blood. Narti sat with her until she was quiet. "Okay," Ezor said after a bit. "That was freaky." "What?" said Acxa. "Did you get an answer?" "Answer? Girl, you didn't even ask a QUESTION." "Really?" "No, you just kind of had a screaming fit and that was it." "Yeah, please never do that again," said Zethrid. "They should have given me an answer," Acxa said. Narti helped her off the floor. "Thank you, Narti." "Well then, that was a major bust," Ezor said. "Is that what they call a 'critical miss?'" "No, in fact, it wasn't." "Great, then," Ezor crossed her arms. "Now I have even LESS of an idea of what we should be doing. Anyone else have any ideas?" The door slammed loudly across the vaulted temple. There were footsteps that made them all turn around, ca-chook, ca-chook, ca-chook. "Hey, you guys," somebody said. "I THOUGHT I might find you all in here."
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Acxa gripped her staff. "This is a sacred space you're entering." The figure across the room spread its arms. "Girl, don't you recognize me?" "Wait," Zethrid said. "That's Ezor!" "No shit!" Ezor said. "Come on over, Ezor Number Two!" "Ezor," Acxa said. The second Ezor was already swaggering through the temple. Ezor caught her by the shoulders when she got close. "Damn girl, you look AWESOME!" she said. The second Ezor grabbed her right back. "YOU look awesome!" "You look RICH!" "I AM!" "Rich AND sexy, wow, you're amazing!" "You're amazing too!" Lotor cleared his throat. "Ezor, would you kindly introduce us to… whoever this is?" "Oh, I have no idea who this is," Ezor let go of her. "But she looks awesome." "Oh, great," Zethrid grumbled. The second Ezor tossed a hand. "Of course you don't know who I am!" she said. "Because I hatched after you did! So you missed the whole little dream sequence of my life!" Ezor lit up. "You're from my nest!" "You mean you're from MY nest!" the second Ezor said. Ezor squealed. "Oh my gosh! I've always wanted a sister!" "Hmph," Zethrid grumbled. "What are we, sliced kidneys?" Ezor pat her quickly on the arm. "I love you, Zethrid, but there is no family resemblance." "Hey, she's not THAT ugly," the second Ezor said. "I've seen way uglier." "Really?" Ezor said. "What have you been DOING?" "Living my BEST life," said the second Ezor. "What have YOU been doing?" "Bitch, you KNOW what I've been doing, you watched it all from the egg!" "Yes," Lotor said. "If I may interject, I was under the impression that there was only one of you at a time." "Yeah, me too," Ezor said. "Whatcha got for us, Coran?" "Oh, nothing too confusing," the second Ezor said. "I just hatched a bit early is all." Zethrid scoffed. "With clothes, or without clothes?" "Not with THESE clothes, that's for sure," Ezor Number Two pulled on her shirt. "You think this nice stuff comes out of an egg?" "I'm not sure WHAT comes out of an egg in this world," Zethrid said. "It looks EXPENSIVE," Ezor tugged on her clone's fancy sleeve. "Who did you rob, girl, who did you rob?" "Nobody!" the second Ezor grinned. "Well. Not for THIS, anyway." "So where did it come from? Are you seriously rich?" "I am seriously rich," said the second Ezor. "I made a few connections and bang! Rich as our old man Groggery!" "I would never say that, Coran." "You didn't say that," Coran said. "SHE did." Acxa looked starkly at the new Ezor. "What are you doing in the temple of Tann-Marri?" she said. "Oh, just business," the second Ezor said. "Your business doesn’t happen here." "Are you telling me to leave?" "Acxaaaaaaa," Ezor whined. "Come on, she's so much FUN." Acxa frowned. "One of you is more than enough." "Well, someone's gotta make up for all the fun you never have." "And someone else has to be responsible." Lotor chucked at them. "Sounds like you two have a rather long history." Acxa stayed still. "You wouldn't believe what I go through, sir." "Perhaps not," Lotor said, "But I admire your willingness to do it anyway. Especially when it comes to our darling Ezor." "Why is it we never have this conversation in real life." Lotor patted Acxa on the shoulder. "Remind me to tell you again later." Acxa's frown lessened a bit. "Wow, Ezor, your friends are BORING," the second Ezor said. "Don't I fucking know it!" Ezor agreed. "Hey, can I call you Ezoran? I think that sounds clever." Narti made a sound. "What? You don't think that's clever?" "Nobody thinks it's clever," Zethrid said. "Ugh. Don't be like that, or me and Ezoran are gonna go off and live in our rich person castle by OURSELVES." The second Ezor laughed. "I'm sure it'll have enough space for all your boring friends. Or at least most of them." "Are you rich enough to buy a castle?" "Of course I am!" the second Ezor flipped a golden grog into the air. "I just need one little thing before I get it!" "Hmm," Lotor said. "And what would that be?" "Oh," said the second Ezor, pocketing the coin. "You're gonna laugh."