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Sehun bites back a sigh before tossing the rest of his drink back. He sets the empty glass onto the bar and debates having another but decides against it. The bartender comes by and offers to fill it up again but Sehun waves him away with a polite smile that is returned before looking down at the bar top. Too many drinks would make tonight more into a show than he wants so he opts for stepping back before he can change his mind. There is a tightness in his chest that he has become accustomed to over the past couple of months, a shaking of his hands that he has learned to hide. He can hear laughter around him, recognizable laughter, and his heart thumps painfully in his chest and he rubs at it half heartedly, hoping to ease the pain. An arm slips around his waist and for a moment he allows himself to image a broad chest pressed to his back, plush lips on his neck while the owner complains about being tired. Looking down brings Sehun out of his fantasy and he sees Kyungsoo’s curious eyes staring up into his own. A lump forms in his throat so he aims for a smile that probably isn’t as happy as he is hoping for. Kyungsoo takes it in stride, nodding to himself as he calls for the bartender. Sehun allows himself to be lulled by the slow beat of the music and laughter from Jongin’s niece somewhere behind him. A gentle tapping of fingers on his waist draws his attention back to Kyungsoo who is trying to appear normal but Sehun can see the concern there. He forces a soft laugh, curling just enough to speak into the older man’s ear. “Sorry,” he manages with an embarrassed smile, “just lost in my thoughts today.” The feeling of Kyungsoo nodding registers moments after he starts and the younger keeps himself from sighing. There is a group making their way to the floor and the two watch as Baekhyun leads Chanyeol along, both snickering and laughing while Jongdae covers his face to hide his own smile. Junmyeon is still sniffling and dabbing at his eyes while Yixing speaks softly to him, hand on his shoulders to offer support in a way that only Yixing could. Minseok is still smiling at Hani while his wife attempted to fit two cupcakes in her mouth at the same time. Kyungsoo is laughing at his side, lips in that familiar heart shape that Sehun wishes he could keep all for himself, but his eyes move on and find his best friend. Jongin is standing closely with his girlfriend, Soojung, arms around one another while they smile. The tightness in his chest grows and it is harder to breathe so he pulls away from Kyungsoo without a word. The walk to the open balcony feels like years but he manages and stands in the warm summer air struggling for breath. Fingers shakily pull at his tie while shrugging off his jacket until he feels less contained, freer to breathe as he needs. The moon is high in the sky and he wonders what time it actually is but realizes that it isn’t that important in the scheme of things. The breeze picks up and Sehun watches as flower petals from the wedding earlier being swept into the air. Memories of running through flower petals as a child enter his mind and he allows himself to smile, to remember the feel of a hand tightly holding to his own. Bright laughter had made those times much sweeter and that feeling stays in his memories, the carefree nature of children leaving him nostalgic. A different level of laughter brings him back to the presence and he turns just enough to realize his friends have followed him out. Chanyeol is attempting to untangle Baekhyun from around his neck while Kyungsoo watched them disapprovingly. Junmyeon walked out next with Yixing giggling behind him, the Chinese man already reaching out for Baekhyun who goes easily.
Chanyeol complains, loudly, but Junmyeon quiets him with a single look white Kyungsoo raises his fist to punch the taller man. Jongdae is shaking his head when he walks out, still looking dashing despite all the running he has done throughout the day to make sure his best friend’s wedding went on without a hitch. Minseok and Jongin stumble out, arms around one another as they laugh about something and Sehun feels a hitch in his chest at the sight.Turning away, he leans heavily against the railing and stares up at the moon. There had been many nights that he stood in this position at his apartment, wondering when things would change, for how much longer he would have to live like this. The timer in his head was still counting down, only hours now until he was finally free. Tears form in his eyes and he wills them away, prays that no one sees how hard he is trying to keep himself from falling apart at the seams.Baekhyun starts to laugh again and everyone seems to tune in on the tone, Sehun glancing over his shoulder when he recognizes trouble. “So, Jonginnie,” he calls out and the mentioned man stops his giggling with Minseok and Jongdae to look at the older, “when are you going to propose to Soojung? I’m sure that the ring is burning a hole in your pocket by now.”Sehun feels his breath catch in his chest and what feels like a star imploding and turning into a black hole within his heart. He turns away again, can’t bear to look at his best friend in this moment. As much as it hurts, Sehun can’t believe that Jongin didn’t say anything to him about it. They have told each other everything since they were small and yet, something like this, Jongin wouldn’t bring up? You’re keeping secrets too, a voice hisses in his head and he wants nothing more than to break right then.A hand squeezes his hip and he turns to see Jongdae’s warm eyes overflowing with concern a moment before he realizes that everyone is staring at him. Air leaves his chest in a whoosh and Jongdae grabs him just in time because his vision goes spotty and his head spins. Distantly, he wonders how long he was holding his breath, but his knees are weak and he is being lowered into a chair so carefully that he wants to scream.A large hand rubs over his shoulders and he recognizes Chanyeol’s comfort immediately, making himself small and curling into the man’s shoulder. He’s not allowed himself to let go, to be emotional, to be not okay with them in so long that the release of it makes him afraid of what will happen. Chanyeol is an expert at dealing with all things Sehun, however, and holds him close while he hums something under his breath.The tears he has been praying would disappear start to fall from his eyes but he doesn’t want to draw more attention to himself so he doesn’t wipe them away. Baekhyun’s careful touch to his neck comes next and he unfurls, breathing uneven and afraid to look at his friends. They all look afraid, concerned for him and it hurts so much more than he imagined that this would.Jongin is the one who finally speaks up, the only person that hasn’t moved closer to try and comfort him and that hurts more than anything else because Jongin is his best friend. “Sehunnie,” he starts but Sehun can’t hear the rest of his words over the rushing in his ears. Harshly rubbing his hands over his face he forces a facade of calm before looking up at Jongin.“I’m leaving.” The panic he had felt for months over this conversation rears its ugly head but he pushes it away, accepts the numb feeling that his anxiety gives him. Everyone is quiet for a long time, tense and confused at the confession. Junmyeon breaks the silence with awkward laughter, uncomfortable as he offers Sehun an out to the conversation.“Alright,” the man starts as he steps forward, “one of us can drive you home…” It is thoughtful but not what Sehun means and he immediately gets frustrated. Standing he walks away, to the railing on the other side of the balcony to breathe in hopes that it would help calm his turbulent emotions. The waves within him were roaring and it wasn’t helping and he could feel the anger building inside of him quickly.Turning around, he notices how the guys are exchanging wary looks, how Baekhyun is holding onto Yixing, how Chanyeol is stood just in front of Junmyeon and Jongdae. “I have a flight out in the morning. I’m going to New York.” Thankfully his voice is steady and doesn’t betray the tsunami of feelings that are cresting over his heart and spilling to fill his chest. Minseok seems to be the first to understand and Sehun can tell he wants to say something but is cut off before he has the chance.The one thing that Sehun selectively chose not to think about was what Jongin’s reaction was going to be. As it happens, he thinks he probably should have at least considered it instead of blocking it out entirely. “What do you mean you’re leaving?” There is a tightness in Jongin’s voice that Sehun knows but doesn’t quite know how to navigate. Jongin’s anger is a slow burning fire that is kindled and cared for before a harsh wind blows through and spreads it onto a dry field. It could become devastating if not handled correctly.Sehun doesn’t answer and Jongin pushes past Chanyeol, past Yixing who snags his wrist, until he is in Sehun’s face and they are sharing air. There is a coil in his stomach, fear and anger, that makes Sehun square his shoulders and look Jongin dead in the eye. The older seems to take that as a challenge because he moves just a hair closer before speaking. “What the fuck do you mean you’re leaving?”His voice is nothing more than a whisper but Sehun feels it like a slap to the face. This moment reminds him of the last time he was witness to Jongin’s anger. A year and a half ago Sehun turned down a position at an entertainment company as a choreographer to take up an office job. Jongin had blown up and stopped speaking to him after blowing up and telling Sehun what a coward he is. A week later, Jongin apologized then pretended that nothing happened.If only he knew how right he was.“I accepted a job offer from the New York office.” Sehun’s voice is nothing more than a whisper in the air but he feels the way everyone recoils at the information. Everyone seems to be waiting with baited breath to see what Jongin’s reaction will be and the youngest wants to leave, exhaustion suddenly weighing him down but he waits, eyes drawn to Jongin’s own gaze that flickers with a sudden eruption of flames. A sneer pulls Jongin’s lips as he turns away, pacing a few steps away before turning back to Sehun.“You planned this.” The accusation does nothing but hurt and Sehun hesitates for only a moment before nodding. Knowing that Jongin has put all the pieces together makes him breathe easier but it starts to hurt all over again. The scoff that falls from Jongin’s lips makes him flinch but he stands tall in the face of his best friend’s anger. “You are truly something, Oh Sehun. Do I mean nothing as your best friend? Am I not good enough for you?”The words spark something within him that he likes to pretend doesn’t exist. Years of hiding in his closet while his parents fought taught him that people are capable of doing unexplainable things while angry. Both of his parents have more explosive types of anger that they release with loud words and violence. Sehun has always pretended that he doesn’t feel those same urges when he is angry.Carefully, he looks away and takes a deep breath. Sehun knows that Chanyeol is aware of those urges that he feels and can probably guess what he is feeling now but he doesn’t want to be that person. Jongin won’t accept that, however, and he marches back over and pushes himself into Sehun’s space with something to prove.Sehun grabs the front of Jongin’s shirt and hauls him closer until their lips are almost brushing. The guys are trying to calm them both down before they draw attention but Sehun knows that there is no stopping this once it’s started. There is something ugly wanting to lash out within him, lightning in his veins and thunder in his ears. “Best friends, huh?” He asks and sees Jongin’s brows furrow, his breath catch. “Really rich coming from you. How long have you had the ring, Jongin? Or was I never supposed to know?”He watches as the fight drains out of Jongin with his words, the panic that replaces it all and Sehun gets it. He has never been smart enough for his parents, subservient enough to his brother, important enough to his best friend. Pushing Jongin a step back before releasing him, Sehun laughs drily and runs his hand over his face slowly while trying to reign himself back in.A hand squeezes his arm and he looks down into Minseok’s eyes that are suspiciously wet considering he stopped crying over his wife hours ago. “When were you planning on telling us then? On your way out?” The teasing nature of the words doesn’t take the sting away and his silence is answer enough. Junmyeon makes a small noise as he crosses his arms and Sehun frowns when he looks at the man.“What about packing? It takes a lot of planning to move to another country, Sehun. You need to have your money situation figured out, somewhere to live, a plan on what you’re doing with your things…” The rant trails off and Sehun nods in response though he doesn’t add anything right away. Jongdae gives him a sad smile as he puts a hand on Kyungsoo's shoulder.“You’re already done, aren’t you?” Sehun finds himself nodding, looking at the ground. There is so much guilt piling up when he sees how sad they all look and he is barely keeping afloat. Jongin has his back turned to Sehun and that is the worst dismissal he has ever felt in his life. Minseok squeezes his arm once more before pulling him into a hug. He didn’t realize how much he wanted this until he got it.Hunching over, he makes himself smaller to fit better into Minseok’s arms, much to the elder’s amusement. When he steps back, Yixing takes his place to hug Sehun with a strong grip around his shoulders. Distantly, he realizes that he’s shaking and presses his face to Yixing’s shoulder with a miserable whine that the Chinese man instantly tries to cover with his own voice. “Our baby Sehunnie. Always looking out for your hyungs. Working so hard for us that we didn’t even know you needed help.”Tears have come back as his anger slowly falls and the misery he has been trying to hard to keep at bay for months rushes back with full force. Sehun basks in the comfort for another moment before stepping away and looking at the rest of his friends. “My things have already been put into storage, clothes have been shipped. I have an apartment already lined up and my banking situation taken care of.” Junmyeon looks crushed so Sehun hugs him next, his hyung small in his arms as he tries to hide his tears.“My apartment has been empty for a little over a week. I had wanted to tell you all then, but…” His voice trails off and he is sure that everyone remembers. A week ago he had sent a message early in the morning asking if everyone could stop by for twenty minutes or so but no one had responded until late at night, having all been together putting things up for the wedding. Sehun hadn’t known about those plans and had spent the day with movers putting his things in storage. His hyungs had been annoyed at his lack of help.Kyungsoo has a frustrated frown on his face when he steps forward to hug him and Sehun makes himself small again, shoulders curling in. Sehun can guess how angry the other is, at himself, for not being there. He and Kyungsoo have spent many nights on Sehun’s balcony quietly discussing new things that Sehun has read about, new movies and the actors in them, their friends’ recent problems, feelings and how hard it is for them both to show that side of themselves.Jongdae wiggles into the hug and Kyungsoo steps back with a stiff laugh as Sehun transfers his hug to the older man. He feels soft and vulnerable in Sehun’s arms and that puts a lump in his throat like nothing has before. Jongdae was always the one who would show up when Sehun asked even if it was only to see a movie, to try a new recipe. Feelings were something that Jongdae knew well and was able to help Sehun figure out how to explain them. He was always patient, supportive, endlessly caring and always telling Sehun how loved he was.Baekhyun steps up next once they let go and immediately makes himself small in Sehun’s hold, making sad little whines as he tries not to cry. Sehun’s hand feels abnormally large as he cups Baekhyun’s head in his hand, knowing it would settle him. Baekhyun is the one who came last into the friend group but wormed his way into Sehun’s heart the fastest. Before he knew it, his walls were down and Baekhyun was holding his hand while listening to him talk about how inferior he feels to his family.He is the one person that Sehun wants, more than anything in the world, to protect. Baekhyun has a heart of gold and though he could be a bit mischievous, he always came from a good place. Yixing separates them for another hug and Sehun curls into the Chinese man. Yixing, Baekhyun’s other half, is the person that Sehun looks up to and admires the most. There is never a day of rest in Yixing’s mind, always a new project to hash out, new ideas to write down, some new problem to solve.He and Baekhyun constantly struggle to convince the man that vacation days are good for him. Yixing is the person that Sehun wishes he could be more like with his strong work ethic and even stronger morals. Minseok snags another hug with a soft whisper of how sorry he is that Sehun shakes away. His oldest friend always had a hard time understanding Sehun’s actions when they first met, their age difference proving difficult for them both to navigate. They both like to have a drink though, and they bonded over that with long talks into the night about everything and nothing.Chanyeol ushers Junmyeon back into his arms and Sehun laughs softly, nuzzling into the older man’s hair as arms squeeze around his waist. Junmyeon is the person who showed Sehun what it is like to have an older brother. He could say the same about all of his friends, but Junmyeon has dropped everything for Sehun on occasion. He dotes on Sehun, teases him, argues with him, loves him unconditionally. Sehun learned how to love people from Junmyeon.Chanyeol comes back in for a hug and Sehun lets himself be small in his hyung’s arms. Sehun and Chanyeol grew up living across the street from one another. Chanyeol is the one who snuck into Sehun’s room at night to sit in the closet with him while his parents fought, brought extra lunch with him when Sehun forgot to pack his own food for school. Chanyeol knows Sehun’s tendencies and attitudes the best. He is the person who, while not always being happy about it, has loved Sehun despite his attitude and helped Sehun learn to love himself.Then, Sehun pulls back and looks at Jongin who still won’t look in his direction. He can’t help but remember how they met with how similar the situation is. Jongin was the new kid at school and Sehun had broken his toy on the first day. They were three months apart and Sehun refused to acknowledge that, but Jongin made him. He wasn’t one to back down and Jongin had refused to even look in Sehun’s direction until he apologized. Sehun had gone one step further and had tried to fix the toy since he couldn’t buy a new one to replace it. Jongin still had the toy sitting on a shelf at home.Jongin is always the person who doesn’t let Sehun get away with being a brat. He never fails to give Sehun everything he can but while making sure he remembers to be grateful and thankful. They keep each other humble, Sehun likes to think, with Jongin’s amazing talent he can get an inflated ego while Sehun can beat a lot of people when it comes to intellect. Jongin has always been the one to wipe his tears and shelter him from the storm but won’t hesitate to give him a reality check when needed.Jongin is the one who Sehun trusts more than anyone else. The person who understands the way he thinks, lives, loves, more than anyone else and suddenly it feels as though they know nothing about one another. They are strangers standing on a crumbling bridge, unsure whether they should save the other or not. Tears start to fall from Sehun’s eyes the longer he stares at Jongin’s back and he forces a laugh, tilting his head back to face the stars while rubbing them away.“Ah,” he groans, wincing when his voice breaks on the sound, “I didn’t know how to bring it up, you know? Like, how…” he trails off and takes another deep breath before lowering his chin to his chest, suddenly defeated by everything. “I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend that I’m comfortable here, can’t pretend that I fit in anymore.” Sadness drags his words from his chest, unwilling but still pouring out. His lisp compliments the misery in the words and the burn of embarrassment adds fuel to his fire.“You always fit in here, Sehunnie,” Baekhyun whispers, broken and sad, but Sehun shakes his head with a bitter smile. Yixing has his arm around Baekhyun’s waist, Minseok just got married today, Junmyeon recently proposed, Chanyeol and Jongdae have people they have regularly been seeing, and Kyungsoo has someone he is quietly courting.Jongin has Soojung that he is going to propose to.“Not anymore.” He comments, words final and stiff. The words to explain the hole in his chest, shaped like a specific person, evade him and he struggles to know how to tell them. “I love someone,” he laughs humorlessly and bitter, eyes on the sky above their heads, “I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me back, doesn’t see me. I can’t stay here and live like that anymore.”The silence in the air is suffocating and Sehun struggles to keep himself from crumbling under the weight of his confession, however vague it is. “I am so tired or hurting all the time.” He finally finishes and turns away to hide how angry and lonely he is. No one attempts to comfort him and for that he is grateful. There would be no chance for him to walk out of here with any pride in tact if someone did try. This job, this move, it is all a way for Sehun to run away from the pain that he faces every single day.“Did you guys know,” he starts softly, thoughts flowing through his mind like molasses, “that I gave up on wanting to gain my family’s approval for things? It almost made me disgusted with myself when I did get it because that meant I was one step closer to being like them.” Everyone listening is familiar with how terrible Sehun’s family is and he focuses on the pride his father had in his voice when Sehun explained that he would be moving to New York.“They were so happy when I turned down the choreographer position I was scouted for. So proud that I was finally giving up my dream to be ‘an actual adult’.” He’s never brought this up with any of them and knows that they are putting the pieces together much like Jongin has already done. “They have decided to graciously pay for my living expenses since I have taken the job in New York. They made me dinner and gave me a credit card, told me I could use it how I wanted, all because I am leaving.”A scoff falls from his lips and when he turns around he sees how torn his friends are by the story. No one likes his parents and he has always been thankful that Chanyeol is really the only one who knows them. “I am one step closer to becoming my parents now and, while I’m doing this to try and stop myself from hurting, I can’t help but hate myself all over again because of it.” Sehun doesn’t wait for any acknowledgement after he finishes and he grabs his jacket before walking back into the reception.Hani is easy to spot and he rushes over to catch her before her friends drag her into another dance. Knowing he looks horrible and seeing her reaction to his appearance are two different things and he apologizes despite her annoyance about it. Gentle fingers wipe away any traces of tears and he aches so much, but allows her to finish before excusing himself for the night. She seems like she wants to argue but allows him to go with the threat that if he doesn’t show up for breakfast she will hunt him down.Sehun manages to laugh, no matter how dark it is and she nods to herself before sending him off. There are too many people, too much noise and he is too focused on getting out of the room so he doesn’t notice Soojung calling out to him until she has grabbed onto his arm. Eyes watery, he takes in how beautiful she looks in her dress and remembers the way she and Jongin were smiling at one another earlier.They both open their mouths to say something at the same time and Soojung laughs before asking if he’s alright. Her left hand lifts to brush his cheek but he sees a flash and manages to catch her hand before she can touch him. The ring shines prettily on her finger and all the air in his lungs disappears as he realizes that he had probably seen the aftermath of the proposal earlier.In the corner of his eye, he sees his friends come back in the room, but he can’t focus on them and forces himself to laugh. “It’s beautiful, Soojung,” he comments softly, thumb brushing over the ring carefully before releasing her hand. The woman looks down at it with her own smile before looking back at Sehun with a giggle and a gentle hit to his shoulder.“Don’t act like you’ve not see it before!” Sehun aches in the worst of ways when tears fill his eyes at her words. He really, honestly, didn’t know about it. Soojung freezes at the sight of his tears and Sehun struggles to smile at her again, turning away to try and find some composure only to find Jongin’s stunned eyes on his own. The tears spill over and Sehun watches as Jongin’s own eyes widen in surprise. He’s sure that they’ve all figured it out by now.Soojung looks worried when he turns back to her and he squeezes her hand once. “Sorry, Soojung, but I’ve got to go.” Brushing a kiss to her cheek, he steps back and bows slightly before speaking again. “And congratulations. There is no one in this world who deserves happiness more than you and Jongin.” Without waiting for a reply, Sehun sidesteps her and makes his leave.As he runs out, he hears no calls of his name and no one comes after him. Silence envelopes his hotel room that night as he sits on the floor, wet hair dripping onto his bare shoulders without sleep as a reprieve. The ring sits at the forefront of his mind and he wants to cry, wants to be angry, but there is nothing in the silence and that almost feel worse. By the time the sun has risen, he feels numb to everything except for the feeling of the plane ticket in his hand.A knock comes just as the sun is rising and Sehun debates ignoring it but something tells him to open the door. When he does, he manages to muster a small smile for Jongin’s niece who smiles prettily up at him, arms open for a hug. He lifts the girl in his arms, comments on how pretty her dress is as her small hands play with his hair. It is a familiar action that he has always associated with Jongin but that thought only spurs on the numbness he feels.Rahee pauses in her playing and gives him a very serious look that Sehun smiles at. “Nini wants to talk to you, but he thinks that you don’t want to talk to him.” Her voice is small, quiet, and Sehun finds himself feeling angry that Jongin would get his niece involved in this. “He doesn’t know that eomma and I heard him talking about it, so don’t tell.” She adds on and Sehun bites his lip before offering his pinky.“It’s our secret, alright?” She giggles and wraps her smaller finger around his own before pressing their thumbs together. Sehun flips the lock on his door and walks into the hallway, aware of how terrible he looks and that he’s shirtless while carrying Rahee around. The girl starts to tell him about how cool their room is, with a really large bath that is bigger than her one at home.Sehun entertains her as he walks, keeping his eyes open for any sign on Jongin’s sister who is probably fretting about her missing daughter. He can hear raised voices and heads in that direction before a thought strikes him and he pauses, waiting until Rahee stops speaking to ask.“How did you know where my room was?” Rahee looks shy again and Sehun feels bad but he really wants to know.“Nini was sitting outside of it last night.” The admission makes his stomach twist but he nods and thank her for telling the truth before heading to the raised voices. A knock brings the conversation to an end and the door opens to reveal Jongin’s worried sister. She stares for a moment before sighing loudly and leaning against the door, giving her daughter a disapproving look.“Rahee!” The woman scolds and the girl whines while trying to hide in Sehun’s neck much like Jongin would. “You can’t run off like that!” Sehun smiles when her eyes turn on him, though they look pitying and he has no doubt she knows why.Rahee has fingers curled in his hair again as she leans against his chest and he sighs but shifts her weight in his arms to make her more comfortable. “Sorry, Noona,” he mumbles with a soft smile, free hand rubbing over the young girl’s back, “I figured I’d return her before any boys found such a cute girl running around.” Jongin’s sister cracks a smile and Rahee complains loudly, passionately about how she didn’t want boys.“Only Sehunnie! That’s it!” She yells and Sehun manages to laugh, ignore the thump of his heart when he spies the familiar head of hair deeper in the room. Returning the small girl, he presses a gentle kiss to her cheek and laughs when she blushes and hides in her mother’s neck. Jongin’s sister laughs but reacts the same when he gives her a kiss of her own. When he steps back the woman is back to looking sad but Sehun has nothing to offer her.“Apparently Rahee came to check on me since there was someone hovering outside of my room last night,” he comments, voice just loud enough to reach the rest of the room despite the warning look he receives, “I just hope her effort wasn’t completely in vain.” With that, he bows lowly and walks back down the hallway to his room.Glancing at the time, he starts to dress in his favorite jeans and a simple hoodie. He takes time to push his hair out of his face and put makeup on to cover the dark circles under his eyes. He packs his bag and double checks his pockets before heading down to the restaurant for breakfast. The only two that hadn’t arrived yet were Jongin and Soojung so Sehun takes the single seat next to Hani who complains about the amount of testosterone at the table while feeding him bits of fruit.Everyone is chatting aimlessly and Sehun pretends not to notice the looks cast in his direction, the sudden silences, the lingering touches from Baekhyun who sits on his left. Soojung leans down to press a lingering kiss to his cheek when she arrives, a quiet apology whispered into his ear before she walks to sit down while Jongin walks to his seat without a word.The chatter is awkward at best but Sehun does his best to ignore the silence from the other side of the table, to ignore how everyone is waiting for it to be acknowledged. Eventually, his phone rings to notify him of the time and everyone turns to him while he clears his throat. Two days ago, he had sat down and written out what he wanted to say to his friends and that paper is sitting heavily in his pocket but he clears his throat with a weak smile, looking down at his plate.“Before I leave, there are a few things that I want to say. I really don’t want one of those dramatic airport goodbyes, so I’m doing it here.” Baekhyun has already started to cry so Sehun reaches over to hold his hand tightly. “While this isn’t goodbye forever, I won’t be here anymore and want to close the door on this part of my life. So, I’ll start with Minnie-hyung,” he takes a deep breath and looks over at Minseok who has a sad smile on his face.“Thank you for spending long nights with me, hyung. I’ve learned a lot about myself from those conversations. Even if some of what I’ve learned is how much I can handle before I get embarrassing.” The statement startles a laugh out of the table and he smiles at his hyung. “I’m really happy for you, hyung. You have worked hard for this, so please make sure you enjoy it. Noona,” he mumbles as he looks at Hani who is pouting dramatically with tears already falling from her eyes.“Please take care of hyung and try not to put so much food in your mouth at once. He worries more than he actually admits to.” Hani yells but holds onto his other hand with a nod. “Junmyeon-hyung,” he lists off, glancing at the man who is staring down at the table, “thank you for being the older brother that I needed. You’ve taught me how to survive on my own and I promise I made all my banking decisions based on your advice. So, if I end up broke it’s your fault.”Junmyeon cracks a smile so Sehun turns to Yixing who looks peaceful despite the situation. “Yixing-ge,” he starts and feels a lump form when tears immediately fill his Chinese friend’s eyes, “please take some time off. Baekhyunnie and I worry about you, you know? Take him on a vacation so I don’t have to listen to him complain about seeing you naked on a beach.” Yixing laughs but Baekhyun just pulls his shoulders up as he tries to stop his tears.“Baekhyunnie,” he starts but the older man refuses to look at him. “Hyung,” he starts and Baekhyun whines but looks at him with a miserable pout. “Hyung, please take it easy on the kinky stuff. You and Gege are aging and I won’t be around to unite you two anymore.” Minseok groans but Sehun reaches forward to carefully wipes the tears off of his friend’s face who whines again and holds onto his hands tightly. “ I love you, hyung, and I know that you’re going to beat yourself up for this, but this is my choice, okay? You’re such a good friend, hyung. Don’t forget that.”Jongdae looks like he is ready for war when Sehun finally looks in his direction. “Chen Chennie Chen Jongdae-hyung,” he mumbles, smiling whe, Jongdae laughs in response, “thank you for helping me put words to what I feel. I wouldn’t know how to talk about it if it weren’t for you. I’m glad that I have you in my life, hyung.” Chanyeol is shaking his head and Sehun nods in response, knowing that Chanyeol is going to be the hardest to talk to.“Channie,” he mumbles, feeling the lump in his throat getting in the way of his words, “I don’t think I need to tell you anything, hyung. You already know everything, right? You were there for me when I hid in the closet, when I didn’t have any lunch, when I was locked out of the house. You were there when I made mistakes and when I did good things and you’ve always been my number one fan.” Chanyeol shakes his head and Sehun nods again even as his hyung threatens to throw food at him. “Love you, hyung.”Kyungsoo is carefully looking at him when Sehun turns in his direction and he blanks on what to say. The older man must see the confusion because he laughs and something in Sehun’s chest eases. “Hyung, you know that I love you. I don’t have to tell you what I’m thankful for because you already know.” Kyungsoo nods his head, smile still in place and for the first time in months, Sehun feels like he’s doing the right thing. “I know you don’t like mushy stuff, but we’ll still be looking at the same moon no matter where I am.”Kyungsoo grants him another smile, a secret between the two that no one else knows and Sehun musters whatever courage he has left in his body to turn to Soojung who is looking frustrated by the tears that are falling down her cheeks. “Soojung,” he starts and she huffs, carefully wiping her face with a tissue, “I told you last night but I’ll tell you again. It’s beautiful and there is no one who deserves happiness more than you and Jongin.”The table freezes and Jongin looks angry when Sehun finally looks at him but he can see the fear, the sadness in his eyes and there is something freeing about finally saying these things out loud. “Jongin-ah,” he starts softly, tears finally spilling onto his cheeks, “I trust you more than anyone else in this world and I know that my secrets have hurt you. I’m not sorry for not telling you, but I’m sorry that I hurt you. This isn’t a toy I can haphazardly glue back together and things won’t be the same anymore for us.“You need to promise that you’ll take care of Soojung. You need to promise that you will love her more than anything else in this world.” Jongin looks more miserable the longer that Sehun speaks and he can see how confused the woman is but no one is daring to interrupt them in this moment. “I’m not going to thank you for being my best friend. I want to thank you for calling me your best friend because it has been an honor.” Everyone looks at Sehun and he stands, wiping his tears away with a deep breath before laughing lightly.“I’m not saying goodbye to the hyungs, but I’m saying goodbye to you, Jongin. I think you know why at this point so I won’t spell it out. Thank you for teaching me how to love, Kim Jongin. I hope that I can love someone as much as you love Soojung.” Jongin finally starts to cry and Sehun feels his heart thump painfully in his chest but he smiles and turns away.Waving over his shoulder he takes a deep breath before feeling he can speak again. “I’ll let you know when I land!” There is a car waiting for him out front and he immediately gets in, thanking the driver. He has a few things to do before he goes and lets the man know, smiling when he agrees readily. After mailing a few things and paying his last couple of bills, they pick Vivi up and head to the airport.A coworker is waiting for him just inside and the man spots him, waving and greeting Vivi before leading him along to check their bags in. Once Vivi is settled and their bags are gone, the two make their way through the airport, chatting idly until they get to security. Sehun finds himself pausing, the reality sinking in that he is finally leaving.The man understands, claps him on the shoulder once before walking forward and giving Sehun time to come to terms with his decision. Part of him is being left in Seoul and he was going to have to rediscover it or learn to live without it in New York. The thought makes it hard to breathe but he powers through with wishful thinking and he swears he can hear his name being called but he blames it on wishful thinking. A heavy weight lands on his back and he yelps, stumbling forward a few steps before righting himself with a disbelieving laugh.Baekhyun drops to support his own weight and allows Sehun to turn around before pulling him into a bone crushing hug that makes tears return to Sehun’s eyes. He sees the rest of his friends heading their way and presses his face to Baekhyun’s shoulder to hide how happy he is but the tremble in his laugh probably gives him away. He was prepared to leave quietly, alone, and hadn’t let himself hope that this would happen.As the group comes to a stop, Sehun and Baekhyun pull apart but stay close together. “You didn’t let us say anything before you left and we couldn’t let you go without telling you how much we love you.” Jongdae explains as he steps forward to pull Sehun into his arms. This hug feels more promising than the ones from last night and Sehun sinks into it, sniffling as Jongdae tells him how he loves Sehun, how proud he is.Junmyeon goes next, telling him that he always has a home to come back to, a family to come back to. Minseok tells him how proud he is that Sehun is finally doing something for himself instead of for someone else and that Hani wants to visit when they go for their honeymoon. Kyungsoo mumbles about how they should buy a star and name it together while adding that he’ll find some easy recipes for Sehun to try.Yixing promises that his vacation will be used for he and Baekhyun to visit and make sure he is settling in. Baekhyun grumbles about how much he is going to miss having a gaming buddy but how he has an excuse to stay up late regardless of what Yixing says. Chanyeol promises to send him new music clips and that he isn't anything like his parents, no matter how proud they are of his decisions. Hani sends him a watery smile from where she stands just behind the group and Sehun prepares to turn away but one last person catches his attention.Jongin isn’t looking at him, hands fiddling nervously with a small box in his hands. Air catches in his chest and he glances at Chanyeol who urges him forward with a smile. As he steps closer, he can see that the box is a bit worn around the edges but still fairly new and his interest is piqued. Jongin doesn’t look at him, but still reaches out to grab the edge of Sehun’s hoodie like a small child does.The lump in his throat grows and he can’t find a way to speak around it, struggling to make his mouth work while Jongin fidgets. “Does,” the older starts and Sehun bites his lip at how small his voice sounds, “does this really have to be goodbye?” The tears become impossible to see through and Sehun drops his chin, reaching forward for his best friend’s hand but stops himself from touching at the last second.“I can’t be here for you like you want,” he confesses softly as he drops his hands back to his sides. Jongin makes a sad little noise and looks up at him just enough for Sehun to see the tears steadily falling from his eyes. Seeing his best friend cry brings forth a strength he liked to pretend came from platonic love despite knowing otherwise. Pulling the older into his arms, he slides his fingers into Jongin’s hair to hold him against Sehun’s neck while the other wraps around his waist.Sobs wrack Jongin’s body and Sehun holds him through it all, not telling him that everything will be okay because he didn’t know that. He couldn’t tell him that Jongin could make it through the end of the world if he really wanted to, because he knew that would be revealing far too much. The hand that had been holding his hoodie now clenches the back of his shirt tightly while the man cries.The others are watching them, pity plain on their faces even as they try to ignore it. Sehun feels Jongin start to pull away and panic flares in his stomach at the thought that this is the last time he will be able to hug Jongin. The other doesn’t go far, just enough for them to look at one another while Jongin’s hand settles on Sehun’s cheek. His thumb sweeps under Sehun’s eye, catching tears as they fall and he laughs brokenly while the younger watches him.”The only thing I’ve ever wanted was to see you happy, Sehunnie,” he starts and Sehun furrows his eyebrows while dropping his chin again, “and yet I’ve caused you so much pain.” The hand slides to his neck and pulls him forward until he is the one hiding in Jongin’s neck, sobs spilling from his mouth. A testament to their friendship, he thinks, how they pushed and pulled, how they worked together. A constant give and take that balanced them out that Sehun would have to learn to give up.Jongin suddenly squeezes his neck once and Sehun pulls back, desperately wiping at his face with his sleeves. “Sehunnie,” the older called and Sehun looks at him, looks at how beautiful he is even now when he looks so crushed, “promise me that you won’t find anyone.” There is a gasp from their friends and Sehun can only image who it was as he tries to wrap his mind around the request. “Promise me that you won’t find anyone else.”Sehun tries to pull away, confusion and hurt burning through him as he recognizes how desperately Jongin is speaking to him. “How could you?” He stammers, fighting to get out of Jongin’s hold. The hand on his neck squeezes again and he stops struggling just enough for Jongin to press the box into his hands before grabbing his chin harshly.“Let me selfish one more time, Sehun. Promise me.” He hisses and Chanyeol steps forward to pull them apart, Minseok grabbing him from the other side. Jongin gets pulled back by their friends despite his attempts to break free. Baekhyun steps between them and pushes at Sehun, urging him to go. Jongin cries out again as Sehun turns practically running to security who watches him carefully as he drops his things into the bin before going through the detector.As he rounds the corner, Jongin’s calling of his name finally quiets and he looks down at the box in his hands. Carefully, he opens it and sees a plain black ring along with a note. He pulls out the ring first, shoving the box and note into his pocket as he looks it over nothing the day’s date on it. He shakes his head with a bitter laugh, exchanging the ring for the note so he can look it over.
Sehunnie -
I didn’t think that you’d leave before me but here we are. I’m in front of your hotel room right now and I’m feeling something I’ve never felt before. I’m afraid of seeing you, Sehun. I’m afraid of seeing how sad you look, how miserable, especially knowing that I’m the cause. I bought this ring when I bought the one for Soojung which is why I never brought it up. I think I spent more money on this one, but that can be our secret. I was going to give this to you and ask you to be my best man but that would be really horrible right? No one else knows that I bought you a ring, but it feels right. Remember this day? We met fifteen years ago on this day, can you believe it? And now you’re leaving me.
Please don’t choose anyone else, Sehun. Please don’t and allow me to be selfish for a little longer. I’m sorry.
Jongin
He sighs and pulls out his wallet, slipping the note inside carefully after folding it back up. The ring sits heavily in his palm and he shakily slides it onto the ring finger on his left hand and bites back a sob when it fits perfectly. The box easily goes into the trash and he escapes to a bathroom to clean up his face before finding his coworker who gives him a long look before jumping into a rundown of a video game he recently started playing.Sehun knows enough about games that he is able to contribute enough to not feel like an asshole. He is thankful that the other doesn’t ask, but he is also thankful that he isn’t being ignored. Slowly the tears completely subside and he is able to talk without struggling around the lump in his throat. The flight takes fourteen hours and by the time he gets to his new apartment, bare expect for basic furnishings, he barely manages to let Vivi out, send off a message saying he arrived safely, before falling headfirst into a dreamless sleep.
xXx
Sehun likes New York. It isn’t Seoul, but it is fun and there is always something interesting going on. He misses his old apartment, the quietness of the neighborhood he lived in, but finds himself falling into a routine quietly within the busy city. The woman from down the hall invites him over twice a week for dinner and complains about her son who pays for her nice apartment but never calls and never visits. He does small chores for her and finds himself enjoying her company more often than not. They’ve spent every holiday together since Sehun moved in two years ago.Work comes easily to him and he starts taking on larger project, bigger deadlines, more pressure. He works almost every weekend and rarely takes time off. Vivi likes spending time at the park down the street and manages to find himself a girlfriend poodle that reminds Sehun of Jongin’s puppies. The ring hangs on a chain that he keeps around his neck at all times. He had hidden it away after first moving in, finding a place under his mattress to hide it but after the fourth failed first date he pulled it out and hasn’t taken it off since then.Baekhyun still doesn’t know about it despite how many times the older has come to visit. Being a blogger/gamer gives him a ton of free time and Yixing’s job gives him a ton of money to spend despite Sehun’s protests. Minseok and Hani stayed for a week after their honeymoon before flying back to Korea. Yixing did indeed take a vacation and brought Baekhyun to take up space in his bed while leaving the guest room empty.Planning ahead never brings Sehun any joy, now, so he tends to just accept things as they come. It is something that Baekhyun has gotten used to and the others have learned to work around. Junmyeon made him promise that bi-monthly skype dates were a thing that happened on weekends, Jongdae has taken to writing letters, Kyungsoo sends care packages and Minseok sends daily emails. Chanyeol occasionally sends music clips and pictures of Toben, but Sehun knows that the man feels guilty still.His lack of commitment to plans is the reason he is so surprised when Baekhyun sends him a strongly worded email about taking a week off from work so Sehun can actually show him around New York instead of them sitting in the darkened apartment every night. Sehun considers ignoring the man but knows better so when he goes into work the next day, he goes to talk with his boss who seems ecstatic that he is taking vacation.“Are you going anywhere fun?” Nancy was a very stereotypical soccer mom with the twist that she was a whiz at data analysis. She brought food in for Sehun on Fridays, usually with cookies that her two kids have helped her make, drawn pictures decorate her office, and numerous phone calls throughout the day when her kids try to convince her into letting them go out. It is drama that Sehun enjoys hearing about.“Not really. My friend is complaining that since I moved here I haven’t actually shown him around New York. Apparently that time has come,” he sighs as he slouches in the chair across from Nancy’s desk. The woman smiles at him, pushing the candy dish in his direction. With a smile he grabs a chocolate and pops it into his mouth to let it melt.“You haven’t really explored either, have you?” She asks gently with a kind smile. Sehun often wishes that his mother was more like Nancy and less like herself. “Other than the park and that tattoo shop you love so much.” The tease makes color bloom in Sehun’s cheeks but he doesn’t deny the statement. Shortly after the failed first dates (not to mention how many failed one night stands he has had) Sehun began wandering around at night. During one of his outings, he found a tattoo parlor run by a couple of bad ass looking Chinese men by the names of Kris and Tao who have the worst jokes known to man.The first of many was the snake tattoo on his thigh. It had been days since Sehun had truly slept and he wandered into Anatares. Tao had scared him but he jumped into the idea of a tattoo and walked out with a snake and the word ‘rebirth’ spinning in his mind. Baekhyun had freaked out when he saw it but Nancy had been ecstatic when he spilled the information to her. “I haven’t done much. It will probably be fun.” He commented idly, smiling when Nancy starts to laugh.The woman nods by watches him closely, hands folded carefully on top of her desk and Sehun knows that she means business. “How is that friend of yours doing? The one with the dance studio that you speak so fondly of.” About eight months after Sehun left, Jongdae had told him of Jongin finally achieving his dream of opening a dance studio. Sehun remembers them at fifteen, curled together in Jongin’s bed after a night of gaming. They were half asleep, lazily sprawled over the blankets and giggling blearily.Jongin had urgently whispered his name, turned onto his side so he could talk directly into Sehun’s ear. It had taken time for Sehun to understand his best friend’s confession, too busy focusing on not getting hard from the feeling of Jongin’s breath on his neck. His dream to open a dance studio wasn't surprising but what took Sehun off guard was that Jongin wanted him to help. “He’s doing well. Apparently they went with Two-Min Studios because he didn’t want his name involved despite being the primary financial backer. The two guys he works with both have ‘min’ in their names so…” he trails off with a small bout of laughter that Nancy joins in on before excusing himself.He plans to take off the times that Baekhyun indicates but Nancy gives him a few extra days off with a kind smile before sending him on his way. The rest of the week passes by in a blue so when Friday rolls around, he feels a bit off kilter knowing that he is going to be off of work for a while. Around two he receives a message from Baekhyun requesting the building code. Sehun rolls his eyes but sends it off (088-094) without much arguing because Baekhyun never remembered the code. When work ends just a few hours later, Nancy meets him at his desk and they walk out together, discussing possible things to see during the tour.With a promise to bring Baekhyun around for dinner next week, they part ways. Sehun stops on the way home and picks up some food for dinner since he didn’t feel like cooking, knowing that his friend would probably want food after the long flight. The doorman greets him when he gets in the building. Sehun smiles, slides him a container of his favorite chicken, before heading to the elevator. He is too busy playing a game on his phone as he walks in the apartment that he doesn’t immediately notice that something is off.It isn’t until he empties his pockets into the dish and kicks his shoes off that he notices the scuffed shoes sat nicely next to his own. The shoes he is used to seeing kicked halfway across the apartment aren’t in sight and in their place are old All Stars, well worn and soft. They feel so familiar, nostalgia squeezing around his heart as he stares at them in disbelief before turning his gaze to the couch.Jongin is stand in the middle of the room, fingers fiddling together as he nervously watches Sehun. The younger notices how soft Jongin looks in his pink sweater that is almost the exact same shade as his hair. Sehun steps into the kitchen just enough to put the food down without ever taking his eyes off of Jongin. The older still looks nervous but more hopeful the longer Sehun just stares. The younger isn’t sure what to do though, and feels tears pooling in his eyes as he tries to convince himself that this is real.Jongin takes that as enough permission to cross the room, Vivi hot on his heels, to pull Sehun in for a hug just as the younger crumbles. Fingers run through the short hair on his nape and hold him close as he presses his face to Jongin’s shoulder, hands clutching desperately at Jongin’s sweater. The older manages to walk them the through the apartment until they get to Sehun’s room, flopping onto the bed and pulling Sehun along with him.They end up with Jongin lying on his back with Sehun tucked into his side, legs tangled as he hides his face while Vivi makes himself comfortable on top of Jongin’s stomach. It takes time but the fingers moving through his hair bring him more comfort than he wants to admit, settling into hiccups then to small sniffles while Jongin speaks to Vivi about how cute he is. Eventually, Sehun finds the ability to speak again and he leans up ever so slightly to finally look at his best friend.Jongin has lost some weight, he notices sadly but his eyes are bright and he seems relaxed where he is. His hair is longer which isn’t typical of him but the pink is especially shocking though he has to admit how nice it looks. “What are you doing here?” Sehun’s voice is soft, a little broken from crying so much but Jongin doesn’t mention it as he brushes his fingers through the short hair on the back of his head. There are some soft snuffling sounds as Vivi wiggles closer to Sehun’s side while on Jongin’s chest.“I wanted to see all that New York has to offer,” Jongin mumbles softly, lips barely moving as his hand traces over Sehun’s cheek, “and I’ve got my two favorite boys right here so I think I accomplished that.” He finishes and Sehun feels his heart thump in his chest while air catches in his lungs. Jongin seems to notice the difference because his smile turns sheepish but he doesn’t stop petting Sehun’s hair.The light from the window is throwing shadows over their faces but Jongin still looks stunningly beautiful. It hurts to see him, to feel him there, but the fondness oozing from Jongin’s entire expression has him relaxed and happy. The pain could always be felt and dealt with later, another tattoo on his skin to tell his story. “I wasn’t sure how much space to give you but figured since you’ve waited so long already you could last a little longer.” His words bring a wave of confusion and Jongin laughs softly before raising the hand that had been petting Vivi.Sehun catches sight of the band on his finger and chokes up again. “It took me some time to get my head on straight,” he confesses softly, showing off he black band that closely matched the one Sehun currently wore around his neck, “or not straight I guess.” Jongin giggles and eventually breaks into loud laughter that upsets Vivi from his perch. Sehun allows himself to groan at the sound, each individual ‘ha-ha-ha’ sounding in time with his heart. The younger whines loudly, hiding his face against Jongin’s chest even as he is smacked repeatedly.The smile curling his lips is noticeable and he tries to fight it, to fight the butterflies building in his stomach, to stamp down the Hope blooming within him. Fingers slowly trail up his arm and over his shoulder to tease the edge of his smile and he pouts, snapping his teeth at the questing hand. Jongin giggles again but it sounds a little breathless, a little awed, maybe even loving. A glance at the other’s, face reveals that he isn’t wrong, can see the blush staining Jongin’s cheeks as he smiles, eyes focused on Sehun’s mouth. “Jongin,” he whispers and feels more than hears the hitch in the elder’s breath.Fingers trail along his cheek and hover just over his lips. Sehun notices that Jongin’s eyes are scanning over his face as if it is the first time seeing him and he feels hope bloom in his chest despite his best efforts to tamp it down. Shifting his weight, Sehun takes a chance and leans up and over Jongin who welcomes him into his space with a shy smile. “Would it be crossing a line if I asked to kiss you?” Sehun asks softly and is rewarded with surprised happiness as Jongin giggles. Finger slide through his hair again, scratching over his nape once before squeezing gently.“Definitely crossing a line, but it’s one I want you to cross,” Jongin whispers before pressing up to connect their lips. Butterflies erupt in his stomach and he smiles against Jongin’s lips before pushing into it. It is a bit like trying something new and coming home. The nervous energy in his body is making his hands shake, making him want to giggle and blush and hide his face, but Jongin is warm comfort and steady hands that hold Sehun closer until they are pressed together from their shins to their chests.Chaste kisses make way for something deeper, hotter, as Sehun nips at Jongin’s lips. The older man’s breath hitches and Sehun pulls back, worried that he stepped too far. Jongin whines but surges up, pushing Sehun to his back and pressing close with a heated look in his eyes that has embers glowing in Sehun’s stomach. He wraps one arm around Jongin’s shoulders, pulling until their lips meet again, while his other sits on his side, over his sweater. Slick lips slide against his own, catching his bottom lip and giving it a suck before doing the same to his top lip.Sehun is weak to the actions, whines falling from his lips as he desperately pushes closer. Jongin has just gripped Sehun’s hip when Vivi gets annoyed and jumps off the bed, the thud startling them apart. Jongin is the first to laugh, breathless giggles spilling from his lips until they are both rolling across the blankets, bodies close even as they struggle for breath. A cloud moves in front of the afternoon sun and Sehun takes the moment to really appreciate Jongin and how beautiful he is, bright smile and shining eyes all for him.A disbelieving laugh makes its way from his lips and he shakes his head, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling. Two years had felt like an eternity apart and yet the moment they see one another they fall together like no time had passed at all. A body presses to his side and he turns to look at Jongin who seems nervous again. “Too much?” He asks softly and Sehun shakes his head because there could never be ‘too much’ of Jongin for him.Taking his turn to really look at the other he traces his fingers over Jongin’s hair, the shell of his ear, over his jawline, under his lips. Finally, he relaxes, allows himself to just be in love. Laughter spills from his lips, tongue caught between his teeth as his eyes squeeze, hands fumbling for Jongin’s anything to keep him close. A hushed swear draws his attention and he looks into Jongin’s eyes, noting how he looks as though he has seen the sun for the first time. The thought that he has warranted such a look makes him shy and he ducks his chin down only to have Jongin touch his chin to lift it again.“What are you thinking about?” Sehun’s voice is small, shy, but not unsure and Jongin seems to notice with a shy smile of his own. They settle on their sides, legs tangled together and hands dancing between them.“I’m wondering why it took me so long.” Jongin admits softly, something sad in his eyes. Sehun shakes his head with a smile, thankful that they are even here in this moment. There were many times that Sehun has woken up in the middle of the night, tears staining his pillow after dreaming of Jongin. This is real and he knows that and that makes all the pain worth it.“Don’t beat yourself up,” he begs and Jongin frowns, a tick in his jaw showing how upset he is. Knowing how stubborn Jongin is, he presses their lips together carefully, pulling back just enough so that he can speak. “Don’t do that now. Not now that you’re here.”“Sehun,” Jongin groans and fits their lips together with force that Sehun readily returns. He ends up on his back again with Jongin looking down on him, fingers drawing patterns on his cheek and trailing sweetness down his neck until they reach the collar of his shirt. “I already walked Vivi,” the older whispers and Sehun blinks once before laughing. Nodding he shoves at the older until he can sit up, carefully pulling at his tie until it comes loose in his fingers.“Go make sure dinner is still warm then put a movie on. I’ll take a shower and join you.” He leaves no room for argument and Jongin seems to see that, heaving himself off the bed with a dramatic sigh before leaving to do as he was told. Sehun grabs clean clothes to change into before heading into the bathroom, smiling when he sees Jongin teasing Vivi in the kitchen. The shower he takes helps clear his head and gives him time to sort his thoughts on everything. They needed to talk about what happened and, despite not wanting to ruin the wonderful way things were going, decide where to go from here.When Sehun walks from the bathroom, he doesn’t think about being shirtless while drying his hair until he sees Jongin’s gobsmacked expression, red creeping up the older’s neck. Jongin had changed in the meantime, old tee shirt that Sehun vaguely recognizes and a pair of sweats, and he looks good. But Sehun stands a bit straighter, might flex more to show off knowing how good he looked.Sleepless nights came often enough that Sehun decided to do something useful with them and the gym became his new best friend. He has always had trouble putting weight on, but muscle clung to him like a second skin. Abs were never something that Sehun thought he would work for, but the ones he had now were a good boost to his confidence and Jongin seemed to enjoy them.Feeling bold, Sehun walks over to the couch, dropping his towel on the edge before stopping in front of Jongin. The man looks like he isn’t sure where to look but settles his eyes on Sehun’s face eventually, beckoning him closer with a nod of his head. Settling a knee on the couch next to Jongin, he catches the hitch in his breath that makes himself grin, before straddling him and spreading his thighs wide to settle comfortably. Hands touch his knees and he encourages the touch by pushing into it slightly, shivering when they slide heavily up his thighs and to his waist.“When did you get so hot?” Jongin hisses, eyes scanning over his chest and waist that he seems to really admire. “Fuck, what am I going to do?” For a moment, Sehun worries that he has gone too far but Jongin seems to make up his mind and lean back into the couch and lazily look him over. Heat curls in his stomach and he feels confident with the way he is being looked at, admired.“Two years have passed, Jongin,” he mumbles softly, hands sliding up his own thighs until reaching Jongin’s hands. His words bring tension and he can see it in the way that his friend shifts his shoulders as if accommodating the weight of it. “I’ve changed. You’ve changed. Things have changed.” He continues softly, urging Jongin’s hands to move, to follow his lead. Dark eyes bore into his own but Jongin allows Sehun to control his hands, moving them up his ribs and over his chest.The chain he wears is around his neck, ring ghosting his spine as he moves. “I’ve spent many nights, sleepless and wandering. I’ve tried dates,” he sees Jongin wince but keeps going, “tried hookups. Nothing ever works because I can’t even allow them in the apartment.” Their hands slide over his chest and he allows his head to fall back, Jongin’s warm palms squeezing over his pecs before moving on. Sehun looks back just in time for Jongin fo focus on their hands, brows furrowing as he searches for the ring.“Leaving made it easier to breathe because I didn’t have to see you happy with someone else.” His words are a whisper just barely above the sound of the movie menu in the background. Jongin snaps his eyes back to his face and Sehun rolls his hips as he moves to draw attention to the chain. “The loneliness still kept me awake, kept eating me alive. So I caved.” Without prompting, Jongin reaches up to the chain, fingers spanning over his throat causing Sehun’s breath to catch.They stare heavily at one another for a moment before the older moves his hand, fingers catching and pulling the chain forward. “I gave up and allowed you to continue being selfish.” Sehun helps him by pushing the ring over the edge of his shoulder until it falls directly above his heart. Jongin’s eyes fill but he stays silent as he stares. “I never told anyone. I kept our secret and kept you close to my heart.”Jongin’s hand grabs the chain and pulls until it snaps, the ring safely in his palm and Sehun gasps. The gasp turns into a moan as Jongin pulls him in, immediately sliding his tongue into Sehun’s mouth. He grips desperately to Jongin’s hair, licking into his mouth filthily before Jongin breaks the kiss to trail his lips down Sehun’s neck, sucking and biting enough to leave marks. There is something desperate, wild, about the way Jongin is pulling him in, keeping him close and Sehun revels in it.Lips close over a nipple and he whines, arching into the feeling even as Jongin clasps their hands together. When he pulls away, Sehun looks down, breath shaky as it falls from his lips, at Jongin who has a hint of a smile on his face. The younger swallows and looks down to their hands just as Jongin does. The shakiness of his hands betrays how nervous he is and Jongin smiles at the sight but squeezes his hand a little tighter in comfort. “I didn’t think you would wait, to be honest. You were so angry so I got scared.”Jongin’s voice is rough, soft, but Sehun feels the fear in it as he speaks. “I think I went crazy after you left. I was never home, always at the studio or working for my brother-in-law. I even rented your apartment because I couldn’t stand the thought of someone else being there.” The older is vulnerable and Sehun wants to comfort him but he knows that this is something that his friend has to reveal and talk about on his own. “Soojung called everything off. We were having dinner with the guys and she suddenly exploded in the middle of dinner, telling me how horrible I was and how she couldn’t even stand to look at me anymore.”“They managed to calm her down but I just sat there and took it.” A burst of humorless laughter falls from Jongin’s lips as he traces Sehun’s fingers carefully. “She wasn’t even angry about how she and I fell apart. She was angry that I had let you down, you know? You’re so loved, by everyone. I don’t think she could ever look at me again, but I know that she would love to see you.” The reveal of Soojung’s feelings surprise Sehun and he frowns, feeling awkward under the sudden insight to his friends.Jongin looks up into his face and gives him a teasing smile, poking him in the stomach gently. “Bet you didn’t even realize that any one of us would drop everything for you. I’m sure that everyone could safely say that they have been or are in love with you to some degree. You don’t even notice it, thinking that you’re not special or important.” Sehun winces because it is all true but Jongin isn’t done, leans forward to brush another kiss to his bare shoulders before leaning back and licking his lips.“So, Soojung kept the apartment, which was fine. I moved my things into yours and made a plan on how to make it better. Baekhyun and Yixing wouldn’t talk to me for a while so Kyungsoo and Jongdae came around a lot. I think I understand the thing about the moon you said before you left.” He reveals and Sehun nods carefully. There was a lot of history between his friends that he wasn’t privy to. Baekhyun always liked to boast about the things that the group were doing without him, how they had parties and hung up his pictures on the wall when they missed him.Sehun had called bullshit but Baekhyun insisted. He had assumed that Jongdae would have told him, or even Kyungsoo in the small notes that arrived with his care packages, but he never knew. “Chanyeol doesn’t really hang around much anymore. He and I went to see his parents one day and when we got out of the car, your parents were home.” A stone forms in Sehun’s stomach and he frowns, understanding what happened.“Chanyeol went over and screamed about what terrible people they were, how they didn’t deserve a person like you in their lives. Your brother was mentioned in it but I was too busy trying to get him to leave. They knew who I was though and had some things to say to me.” Sighing, Sehun shakes his hands free to wrap his arms around Jongin’s shoulders and pull him close, petting his hair and rocking them back and forth.“We don’t have to keep talking if you don’t want.” He mumbles but feels Jongin shaking his head, releasing him to see his face. The man is determined, angry but Sehun can only assume what his parents said. Probably had something to do with blaming Jongin for Sehun being gay and a failure. Nothing he hadn’t heard before.“I want you to know everything. It’ll take time, but I want to tell you.” There is nothing that Sehun wouldn’t grant his best friend and he nods, allowing him to continue while he traces patterns on Jongin’s clothed chest. “Chanyeol basically hasn’t spoken to me since. I talked to Jongdae and Kyungsoo about what I did, the ring and the note, and they were both pretty angry with me but they understood. Well, they also helped me realize that it isn’t exactly normal to spend more money on matching rings with your best friend than on your fiancé’s engagement ring.”Sehun snorts before he can stop it and shakes his head in response. Only Jongin would think that it was a normal thing. “They told me that I had to find a way to make it up to you. There was only one thing that I could think of and that was the studio.” Jongin cuts a glance up at Sehun who is still just watching the emotions play out on Jongin’s face. “You do know about it, right?”Nodding, Sehun brushes the pink hair out of the man’s eyes and smiles down at him. “Jongdae-hyung told me. ‘Two-Min’ though? Come on, Nini,” he complains, smiling when Jongin laughs and hugs him tightly around the waist.“Yeah, well, they insisted when I wouldn’t give them a name.” They giggle some more until the tension eases and Jongin gives him a softer smile, one that Sehun remembers being on the receiving end of quite often. “Besides, I still haven’t given up on my dream.” The mention brings confusion again and Sehun frowns while trying to understand, much to Jongin’s amusement. “I still want you to be a part of it. That is the dream; doing what I love with the person I love.”Sehun’s breath catches in his throat, eyes wide as he looks down at Jongin. Thinking and assuming Jongin’s feelings have given him a sense of comfort but having them said out loud gives him such bursting happiness that he can’t help but giggle. Jongin is watching him fondly, reaching for Sehun’s hands again. “So, Yixing and Baekhyun started talking to me again and I told them that I wanted you back, but this time as mine. They forgave me immediately and decided to help.” He explains, voice soft as he runs his thumb over Sehun’s knuckles. “I always forget how scheming Yixing-hyung is.”A weak laugh falls from his lips again and he watches as Jongin’s attention turns to their hands, palm opening to reveal the ring. Sehun understands and feels something tight wrap around his heart, trembling in Jongin’s hold. “So, this isn’t me proposing to you, yet,” he whispers and Sehun bites his lip to stop himself from making any embarrassing noises, “but this is me promising to you that I will propose to you one day. I still gotta date the fuck out of you first.”It startles a laugh from Sehun who feels giddy and weepy and so fucking soft for this man that he can’t help himself when he kisses him. It is wanting, open and wet, and Jongin appeases him with slow slides of their tongues until Sehun finally leans back and offers his hand. This time, its Jongin’s turn to laugh and he takes Sehun’s hand carefully. The ring still fits as well as it did when he tried it on two years ago, still makes his heart beat a little harder in his chest.Jongin looks so happy, so pleased, to see his ring there and Sehun can’t help but want to kiss that smile off of his face so he does. Fingers slide into his hair and a hand slides to his back, pulling his hips closer until Sehun gets the idea and rocks their hips together with lazy rolls. The smolder will be the one thing that actually kills him, he realizes when he looks down into Jongin’s dark gaze.Sehun takes a deep breath and reaches back to push Jongin’s hand until he slides it down to palm at his ass. The grip makes him groan and he rocks his hips into the touch, arching his back as he moves. Jongin’s other hand slides down to join the fun, tugging him forward to help Sehun roll their hips together. Resting their foreheads together, Sehun whines at a particularly smooth slide of their hips together, arms hanging over Jongin’s shoulders.The older pushes himself forward on the couch, securing an arm under Sehun’s ass as he stands with his other arm carefully around his waist while the younger scrambles to wrap his legs around Jongin’s taught waist. As they head back to the bedroom, Sehun spies Vivi asleep in his bed so he catches the door as they walk in and manages to push it closed before Jongin has enough and drops him to the mattress. He has only a second to shiver before Jongin is on him again, lips connecting as Sehun’s hands explore the now bare skin of the man’s back and shoulders.Jongin shudders in his hold but doesn’t move away, hands grabbing Sehun’s thighs and pulling them around his waist while he rolls their hips together in tight little circles. Breaking the kiss to moan, Sehun lets his head fall back, feeling spit slick lips trailing down his neck and to his chest where they linger over a nipple. Sehun knows he is a goner the moment a tongue flicks over the pebbled skin and he shakes in anticipation. His nipples are sensitive and if Jongin is already into playing with them, he would never be safe again.Immediately the older starts lapping at his chest leaving trails of spit on his chest as he moves to the other side while Sehun whines and groans, arching into and away from the sensations. His eyes are squeezed tightly closed and he tightens his hold on Jongin’s hair, hearing a responding moan for the action. Breathlessly he laughs, looking down to see the other blinking back the haze of arousal to return Sehun’s gaze. For a moment, they just breathe the same air, still touching but not moving to break the moment.Sehun takes a deep breath and drops his head back to rest on the bed, smiling at Jongin who sits up a bit. The older grabs Sehun’s arm and twists so he can look closely at the inside, peering at the small line of moons on the inside of his elbow. A glance at the look on Jongin’s face makes Sehun giggle and he reaches up to run his fingers over it. “I was up late one night and went wandering. I found a tattoo shop as company and have been going back since.”A nod is all he gets in response but Sehun isn’t concerned. “Was this the first one?” Shaking his head, Sehun pushes at Jongin’s shoulders to get him to move. The man seems reluctant but sits up and crosses his legs like a child. Sehun rolls his eyes with a smile and eases himself off the bed, hooking his thumbs in his waistband and tugging. “Oh,” Jongin mumbles softly, eyes on Sehun’s hips. He moves them in a little circle before tugging them down then pushing them off his hips. The jockstrap he is wearing is a pretty plain one but Jongin can’t stop staring so Sehun kneels on the bed in front of him and smiles.“Fuck, you’re hot,” Jongin whines while Sehun laughs and throws himself onto his back, right leg stretched out to show off the snake tattoo. Gently, Jongin trails his fingers over the ink, focused look on his face as he traces it a few times before looking up at Sehun. “What’s it for?” For a moment, Sehun debates not telling Jongin the real reason but decides that he would find out eventually.“Tao thought it was a good one for a first tattoo. Since snakes shed their skin, they are a symbol of rebirth and transformation.” Jongin nods once more before leaning over to press a kiss to the middle of the tattoo, sucking the skin into his mouth with a cheeky smile. A moan falls from Sehun’s lips, unbidden, at the action and he curses breathlessly, shivering when Jongin blows over the area. “I didn’t know my thighs were that sensitive. Fuck you,” he spits, grumbling when Jongin laughs. The elder continues to tease his fingers over the area while Sehun finds his train of thought, batting his hands away to present the moons again to those dark eyes.“This was the second. Kyungsoo had just sent me the second care package and it had a bunch of pictures in it. I cried for like, two days, then got Tao to give me the tattoo.” Jongin treats this one the same way, lingering kiss to the skin with a little suck that makes Sehun start. Narrowing his eyes, hesitates showing off the others but caves when Jongin pouts up at him. “This one,” he mumbles, bending his right leg to rest his left on, “I got to match with Baekhyun who was pissed I didn’t get a tattoo for him when I had one for Kyungsoo-hyung.”Jongin laughs but leans over Sehun’s body to see, fingers tracing the ‘2P’ just above his ankle before kissing it. Sehun is prepared for the suck this time but he still flinches, smacking Jongin’s arm when he laughs. As the older sits back, Sehun wonders how Jongin will take the next one, what he will think about it. Dark eyes look back at him and he takes a deep breath before straightening his right leg out and stretching to rest it in Jongin’s lap.The action makes him shiver, the air cool on his perineum. Jongin’s hands immediately fall to his leg, one on his shin and the other cupping the underside of his thigh. Carefully, he stretches Sehun out until he is groaning, neck straining as he breathes through the stretch. He can only imagine what the sight looks like to Jongin right now, obviously enjoying the view if his gaze direction is any indication.“My ankle,” he says softly and those dark eyes snap to his face where they stay for a heated moment before turning to his ankle. Sehun watches nervously as Jongin’s face goes carefully blank the longer he stares at the small bear that sits just over the bone. He wonders if this is too much but Jongin ducks his head, shoulders shuddering as he takes a deep breath, before pressing a lingering kiss to the area. Their eyes lock as he sucks over the bone, never straying even as Sehun whines.Slowly, Jongin lowers Sehun’s leg and crawls up his body, smolder on full effect as he locks onto his prey. Sehun is boneless under him, hands desperate as they grasp his shoulders. Jongin presses his weight onto Sehun’s body, trapping him there but keeping his face just far enough away so their lips won’t brush. “Sehun,” he mumbles, voice low in the quiet room, “do you have any others?” The question takes a minute but Sehun realizes that he has saved the best for last without really intending to. He wasn’t sure if Jongin would understand or if he even wanted the other to, but with a sigh he rolled onto his front.Immediately there were fingers trailing from his right shoulder down to the ribs on his left side where they splayed out until Jongin’s hand was pressed against the skin. Sighing softly, Sehun turns his head just enough to see Jongin’s chest which is rising and falling rapidly. “Jongin?” The name falls from his lips carefully and it seems to be the last straw. Jongin crumples, falling to Sehun’s side with a whine and curling close.Sehun wastes no time in putting his arm over Jongin and pulling him closer, confused over how upset the other seems. “How didn’t I see it?” The older asks and Sehun shakes his head in confusion, attempting to soothe the other as he pushes the hair from his face and caresses his cheeks. “How didn’t I notice how much you love me?” Sehun feels his heart trip over itself as he struggles to wrap his head around what has Jongin so upset when the other sits up and heavily strokes his hand over Sehun’s side where the tattoo was visible. “Do you know what flower this is?”“Chrysanthemum.” Sehun answers obediently and Jongin continues to stare at him as if he’s completely lost his mind. “The first flower you gave to me. From your sister’s wedding.” The additions make Jongin nod but Sehun is still so confused over what is so upsetting. Jongin crawls off the bed to pace and Sehun sits up, pulling his knees up and hugging them while he waits.“Do you know what they mean, Sehun? Do you?” Jongin rants, hands tugging at his hair as he continues moving, eyes not meeting Sehun’s anymore.“White ones mean loyalty and honesty. Red ones mean love and passion.” Jongin turns to stare at him as if there is something he just really isn’t understanding. Sehun frowns at the other, tilting his head to the side. “I got this knowing full well what it meant, Jongin. It is the same reason that your sister chose them.”“I know!” The older yells and Sehun rolls his eyes as he gets up from the bed to put his pants back on. When he looks up, Jongin looks upset as he stares at the pants but Sehun is done trying to navigate the odd pool of confusion with his ass hanging out.“Okay, big guy, enough fun for you.” Sehun comments as he walks around the bed to grab Jongin’s wrist. Vivi is still asleep in his bed, thankfully, and Sehun drags Jongin over to the couch before sitting down and grabbing his food. Jongin is still watching him so he sighs and look back, brow raised in question. “Why did you give me the flower then? Knowing what it meant, why did you give it to me?” He challenges before popping open the box and digging in.His eyes return to Jongin easily, watching the stunned confusion spread across his features as he really thought it through. It was funny for a couple of minutes but Sehun was a bit worried as it continued. As he was debating whether to comment on it, Jongin finally threw himself onto the couch next to Sehun with the most frustrated expression on his face. “How the fuck didn’t I notice how much I loved you then?” Sehun immediately chokes on the noodles in his mouth, floundering to clear his airways while Jongin stares at nothing in complete wonderment.After a minute of struggling, Sehun rolls his eyes and unpacks the other box of food, putting it in Jongin’s lap with a huff. “Eat your fucking food. No more feelings talks for you tonight.” He declares and ignores when Jongin pouts at him, leaning heavily on his shoulder for attention. Taking another bite of food, he gestures that the other start eating and once he does he finds himself relaxing slightly. “You obviously can’t handle feelings on an empty stomach. I feel like I should know that.” Jongin huffs but mimics Sehun’s position, legs crossed as he starts to eat.“It’s a new thing.” He comments idly between bites. Sehun groans and drops his head back, eyes closed as he breathes. Jongin snickers at his side but doesn’t comment.“What have I gotten myself into?” He complains lightly but picks his head up and continues eating. There is a nudge to his side and he glances over at the other man who has a pretty triumphant grin on his face.“Best thing to ever happen to you, that’s what.” Jongin’s words are teasing but there is some nervousness still lingering and Sehun narrows his eyes suspiciously for a moment before smiling down into his food.“Yeah, best thing to ever happen to me.”