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1.Dazai calls up every police precint in Yokohama, leaves behind tearful and dramatic ‘missing person’ reports. He uses different aliases, of course, some of them with blatantly feminine names even, but they all have the same description. He delights in seeing Chuuya’s reaction—from a safe distance, building rooftop vantage view—as he’s suddenly chased by police all over the city.It is kind of cute that Chuuya’s first reaction, aside from kicking police ass, is to curse Dazai’s name to hell and back, screams it with maximum frustration, even. And then, Chuuya lunges for his phone and leaves a bunch of angry text messages rife with misspellings and incorrigible grammar, that Dazai can feel his eyes tearing up at the sheer passion in them. And the blatant, eye-bleed worthy misspellings too, but mostly about the passion.Dazai hums as he waits for his phone to stop vibrating from the deluge of messages. His eyes are on Chuuya’s trembling-in-rage form, as Chuuya nearly chucks his phone to the ground and stomp on it after not getting a response from Dazai. And then, Chuuya starts leaving nasty voicemails to Dazai’s number, promising very creative and painful deaths to his person. It’s kind of touching, that Chuuya even bothers to serenade him like this.And then someone beside Chuuya would ask if Chuuya would like to surrender Dazai’s number to their IT Team, so they could track Dazai down.Chuuya’s reaction is always priceless, a mix of indignation and irritation. Chuuya never gives up his number—not that they could do anything to it—and always promises that he’ll make Dazai pay personally.Ah, that Chuuya is rightfully blaming him for this…How cute.2.Dazai hacks the stoplights all over Yokohama, makes them dance in flashing red Morse Code for ‘I miss chibi hatrack’ and ‘I need a microscope to see the chibikko’ and ‘Is the little fairy Chuuya actually Thumbelina or Tinker Bell?’. A lot of traffic accidents happen that day, which is always fun to watch, but the most entertainment happens when Chuuya’s stuck in traffic and becomes late for a meeting.Because really.Chuuya should be paying attention to him and fuming at him, instead of looking so serious and boss-like while dealing with gullible subordinates who might think that Chuuya’s an actual adult when he’s just a chibi. Dazai’s chibi, to be exact.There’s also the added bonus of Chuuya sometimes just foregoing his chauffeur and runs towards his meeting destination. Seeing Chuuya not even break a sweat, with a light breeze passing by, making his hair sweep past his face and teases the possibility of his hideous hat getting blown away…It’s prime entertainment.Dazai always watches with his favorite snacks on hand.3.Dazai orders all the cheap wines, cheap clothes and cheap junk food available in-stock of the local grocery. He uses Chuuya’s card, of course, because Chuuya uses ‘shitty mackerel’ as his PIN and ‘Tsushima Shuuji’ as the answer to his security question for the online account—and really, that’s just inviting Dazai to do something with it, ne?Not for the first time, Dazai thinks about the pros of marrying Chuuya—or more specifically, Chuuya’s bank account. He can have an all-expense paid five-star hotel-hopping across different tourist destinations that has high buildings or scenic rivers! He’d be able to find the prime suicide spot with style! And he can buy all the expensive wines and then drink them directly from the bottle and watch Chuuya go positively apoplectic with rage. It’s a solid scenario that has zero cons. Dazai likes to keep thinking about it in the backburner of his mind.In the meantime, he has the grocery items delivered to all of Chuuya’s safehouses. Dazai’s being helpful, you see? The hatrack needs to be kept on his toes about the possibility of his safehouses’ locations being discovered and having them compromised. Really, this way, the hatrack will always be alert for all kinds of attacks.Of course, one of said safehouses happen to be Dazai’s dorm—because, as Dazai had proposed and Chuuya had begrudgingly agreed to, all wide-eyed, red-cheeked wonder, it’s the last place anyone would think to look at, in search of Chuuya. Everyone knows—and rightfully so—about their mutual enmity, after all.So Dazai waits for the delivery of junk food and cheap wine and happily gorges on them, humming all the while. If his hums are to beat of Chuuya’s angry tirade about his card getting hacked again, then… well, that’s for Dazai and his tracker attached to Chuuya’s clothes to know.4.Dazai prints out ‘missing pet’ notices, in full color, using the top-of-the-line printer inside Chuuya’s office. He never gets caught, unless he means to be, and when he’s busy printing these out, he never gets caught in the act. Dazai ropes Atsushi and Kenji into helping him distribute the notices all over town, dodging Ranpo’s knowing look and Kunikida’s nagging rants.Dazai then watches Chuuya encounter flyers every three meters, watches that face be overcome by a flood of red that’s bordering on purpled rage. He delights in watching Chuuya’s mind go overdrive in trying to decide whether he’s going to tear up each one of the notices—some about a missing pet cockroach, some about a mangy dog, some about a clingy, sticky pet slug—or whether he’s just going to use Corruption right then and there and take everyone out. Taking the notices down is the same as admitting that he’s Dazai’s dog, Dazai’s cockroach, Dazai’s slug. Letting the ‘missing pet’ notices continue to exist is an affront to his sensibilities.Dazai outright laughs when Chuuya opts to stomp all over the city instead, local news stations wondering about earthquakes, and Dazai looks forward to an interesting evening.5.Dazai rolls all over his futon and stares at the ring that he keeps hidden on his person at all times. Nobody ever believes him when he says that he’s married to a rich dumbass. Of course, there’s a possibility that nobody ever believes him because he always complains about Chuuya all the time. But then again, isn’t that such a good hint? Why would he incessantly talk about someone else if not because they’re married? Sometimes, Dazai worries about Yokohama’s IQ, really.Kunikida always tells him to use his poor spouse’s money to pay off all his debts. Dazai always retorts about not being a kept-husband—he has his own (empty) wallet, thank you very much! Kunikida always tells him that he’d rather him be a kept-husband if it means not having to deal with people hounding Dazai to pay up.…In any case, Dazai sighs and rolls all over the futon once more. It’s nearly eight in the evening and Chuuya’s still not home. Of course, Chuuya always becomes an interesting shade of red whenever Dazai tells him ‘welcome home’ when he arrives. Mostly out of anger, because Chuuya doesn’t have an eight-digit bank account just to end up sharing a cramped Agency dorm room with Dazai.“…oi, shitty mackerel.”Ah. Chuuya’s here!Dazai makes sure that he’s pouting when he turns to face Chuuya. Chuuya, who’s already in his shirt and pants, his outer coat and vest already folded neatly out of the way. Chuuya’s carrying a paper bag proclaiming the name of a very expensive restaurant and another paper bag of Dazai’s current favorite ice-cream brand.“Mm, how was your day?”Chuuya rolls his eyes so hard that Dazai practically hears it. “Really? Really? You’re asking me?”“Is Chuuya going deaf so soon? Must be because of how loud you always are, huh?”“You were following me around and making trouble for me the whole day, you shitty fuck.”“Eh, where is this confidence coming from?” Dazai feels a grin forming shape on his face. It’s impossible to stop from growing. “I was busy the entire day, you know! I didn’t have time to keep track of a chibikko.”Chuuya looks so—elegant and graceful and definitely not someone who fits right in a small dorm room with bland décor and empty cupboards. At the same time, with the way he’s cocking an eyebrow at Dazai and making himself comfortable on the tatami mat beside the low coffee table, cross-legged so that his pants draw taut on his legs—Chuuya looks so at home there and Dazai suddenly feels hungry, just looking at him.“…Is that so?” Chuuya’s grinning back at him, as he takes out the take-out boxes for a seafood triple-deck bento fit for a feast. “I guess I sensed a different stalker running after me all day then?”Dazai clicks his tongue, “Yokohama is doomed if there are more people who have the disgusting taste of falling for Chuuya.”“Really, really doomed,” Chuuya agrees, laughing openly at him. “Let’s eat already, shitty mackerel, I’m hungry.”Dazai tugs at the gloves off Chuuya’s hand, revealing a ring on the other’s left ring finger. Dazai stares at it for a few moments, then at the matching ring on his own finger.“…I was hungry waiting for you, hatrack, better make sure today’s dinner is great to make it up to me, okay?”Chuuya rolls his eyes and knocks their shoulders together, before pressing a brief kiss against his lips. “Yeah, yeah, I missed you too.”Just like every day, today’s routine of missing Chuuya comes to an end quite sweetly too.+1.When Chuuya misses Dazai, he goes about it in a completely normal fashion.He misses Dazai the moment he opens his eyes in the morning, sunlight streaming down his face because Dazai’s curtains are shitty and flimsy. Sleeping means not getting to see Dazai—aside from his dreams—so Chuuya wakes up earlier than the other so he can stare at the other’s face and make sure that it’s Dazai and not some hallucination from fatigue or delusion from alcohol or Ability sent by an enemy trying to ascertain his weaknesses.He misses Dazai even as Dazai wakes up and makes a nuisance of himself, demanding to be fed and cuddled and generally taken care of like a needy kitten. It’s more like a game between them, Dazai is able to handle himself (even if it’s sometimes done so haphazardly), but enjoys seeing Chuuya flounder about in trying to stop himself from punching Dazai for being so demanding. And it’s sometimes fun too, because Chuuya likes the way Dazai’s eyelashes flutter close when he gets today’s breakfast just-right, when he reads the other’s desire just-so.He misses Dazai the moment he slinks out of the Agency’s dorm room, the moment he arrives back at his Port Mafia office, every waking moment, really.On times when Chuuya misses Dazai the most, he walks around the Port Mafia halls with his choker loosely buckled so that the bruises on his skin are partly visible, pays for his meals using a wallet that doesn’t belong to him, the devoid of cash and instead only has the card on his joint account with Dazai. He goes at high-end dessert shops with Elise or Ane-san, picks cakes and macaroons that are in strange flavors that he knows Dazai favors. He brings Akutagawa, Higuchi and Tachihara with him as he visits Kajii’s laboratory, asks for Kajii to help develop explosives and poisons that he delivers to Dazai’s usual hang-out spots.It’s as blatant as a declaration that he can make to his work colleagues, that he’s Port Mafia’s Nakahara Chuuya, but he’s also married to Dazai at the same time. Nobody believes him when he says that he’s actually married to Dazai, but they all laud his efforts in trying to get rid of the mafia of its traitor.Chuuya misses Dazai even when he comes home to a tiny dorm room, dinner take-out on hand.“I’m home,” Chuuya says and delights that Dazai misses him all day too.