Work Text
crown shyness
i
"What's so special about this boy anyway?"..."Nothing." Elsa answers. Her pale hands wrapped around her warm mug of tea. The blonde's sat around the dining table after a long, hard day of lectures and seminar discussions and independent studying. University life is hard."Sugar, this isn't how you're supposed to pick a man." Lottie says.The Southern belle's remarks earns a look from Tiana. The expression on the hard-working girl's face says 'be kind'. Tiana's the more patient one out of the two (though she has her limits too)."No, I understand, it's annoying." Elsa replies, leaning into her chair.On some level, the blonde agrees with her friends; her own shenanigans is foolishness. But, Elsa's the shy, socially awkward one in the group. Tiana and Lottie are the opposite. While Elsa doesn't mind keeping things to herself; Tiana believes it's best to not beat around the bush, she likes to get work done, and, Lottie doesn't like wasting time dilly-dallying, the Southern belle is a straight-forward kind of girl.This guy Elsa's talking about – this redhead guy – is all Elsa's been talking about for the past month. Elsa knows it's getting a little ridiculous at this point because she insists that he seems familiar. She's seen him somewhere, met him once upon a time. She knows him, but she can't put a finger where. And she won't take the first step to talk to him.On one hand, Elsa's convinced that whatever this is between them is probably nothing. Most times these things don't really mean anything. The world just likes playing tricks. But, on the other hand, Elsa feels like she's sucked into this phenomenon. She's sure everyone has experienced it at some point in their lives, the one where you see a person once then suddenly you see them everywhere.She just so happen to catch his eye one day at the Law Clinic she started working at, then, BAM, suddenly he's everywhere she turns. Honestly, Elsa's lost count of the number of times she's caught the redhead somewhere she is. Not just during her shift. She's seen him standing outside the library, chain-smoking with his two brunette friends. They both look like trouble (but then again, so does he)."You say you've seen his face somewhere but are you sure it's not because you've seen him in one of your classes?" Tiana asks, hands folded on the table."Yeah, we're all third years. We've been hangin' around for forever." Lottie adds.At this, Elsa only shakes her head. "No, I've never noticed him in class. Strange since all the first years started with all the same modules. So I'm guessing he must have started a year before me and then took a year abroad during third year. It would explain things since second and third years get to pick their modules and often collide with each other.""That's a lot of assumptions for someone you haven't talk to." Lottie points out.This earns Elsa's ears to turn red. As embarrassing as it sounds, it's true, Elsa has done a lot of thinking about this matter.Waving the issue off, Tiana suggests another possibility. "Okay, maybe you've seen him durin' your volunteerin' work? You do bucket collection, right? You stand out in the open once a week, you meet dozens of people."Elsa shakes her head again. "No, I would recognise him if that was the case. I swear I see Mulan every time I'm volunteering. I think she's sick of seeing my face whenever I ask if she has any spare change.""That's because you make her feel guilty for not helpin' charity." Tiana answers back."Untrue, she's donated before." Elsa answers. Her memory isn't that bad. There have been several occasions where she was able to recall things from the past so it's really bothering her that she can't remember where she's seen this redhead guy."Oh. Then …" Tiana trails off.Lottie speaks up, "Are you sure it's not a subconscious thing? Maybe the fella's been in the background all along and it's only recently that he stood out to you?""He has bright, flaming red hair, Lottie, he's impossible to miss." Elsa answers."Okay then," Lottie sighs. "Can you just stop dancin' around the issue and talk to the guy already?" Lottie asks. But it sounded more like a demand. "You can't keep starin' at him from afar. It's getting' weird, darlin', and creepy.""No, shut up. You can't make me." Elsa says stubbornly. She's irritated too at her own dilemma but Elsa's really set that she's ruined her chances in talking to him from all the staring. He's caught her multiple times and she never looks away. She just … continues to stare. Which makes it worse. She's so awkward, and shy."Baby steps won't cut it anymore, sweet girl." Lottie continues, gesturing to Tiana who suggested slow progress is better than no progress. "You're just goin' around in an endless circle. Nothing's happenin'. Has anythin' even changed since the last time you saw him?"Even Tiana nods at this passive aggressive method which makes Elsa chew on the bottom of her lip.Elsa fumbles with her words. "Well, um, I went to the Law Clinic early this week. At my lunch and … he happened to pass by. He … willingly looked at me first.""And?" Tiana prods. "Did you smile like we said you should?""Um … no." Elsa answers, her voice now meek. "I – I looked back and then looked down at my sandwich."Lottie can only sigh again while Tiana throws her hands up in frustration. "Elsa, we talked about this!""I know but –" Elsa trails off, making incoherent mumbling sounds."Hon, this is becomin' a problem." Lottie cuts her friend off. She won't listen to any more excuses. "You refuse to talk to him –" Lottie ticks a finger. "– and you won't even throw him a smile –" Another tick. "– so you can't expect him to make the first move and talk to you. Especially, after all that starin',""You are the one who's curious about him, not the other way around." Tiana adds, pouring more guilt onto Elsa. "He probably doesn't even know you. You're goin' to drive him into a corner if you keep this up. You need to talk to him. Next week, if possible; before, during or after your shift.""N – Next week?" Elsa stutters. Does anyone even realise what next week is? Oh God, she never should have put herself out there. She just wanted to improve her social skills and polish her CV with work experience, not this bullshit. "I can't –!"But Tiana only holds her hand up. "I'm not sayin' you have to march up to him and interrogate him about his origins. I'm just sayin'; smile and say 'hi' to him.""Umm,""Elsa." Tiana's face morphs into a serious expression. Lottie's making a similar face. It's hard for Elsa to say 'no' when the duo are backing each other up."Say somethin', doll." Lottie pleads."… I'll try?" Elsa offers, but no promises."This whole situation is so dumb! What have I gotten myself into?" Elsa rants to her sister, Anna, the same night. She's sitting cross-legged on her bed in her pyjamas. It's another one of their weekly video calls."Can't you just ignore him?" Anna asks.From the view on the screen, Elsa can see that Anna's eating peanut butter out of the jar but she can't find the strength to tell Anna not to do that."After eyeballing him like a weirdo? No. That'll just make things worse." Elsa runs her hands through her hair. She's making such a big deal out of something so small. She knows. But she can't help it. She's not confident. "I can't … I can't run away because reception work lasts for the whole semester. I'll look so irresponsible if I quit now so I'm stuck seeing him around." Elsa replies, pouting at her misfortune."Okay, then …" Anna digs into her peanut butter jar for a moment while thinking, "… maybe just suck it up and talk to him?""I can't!" Her whole face burns as she exclaims this."Why not? It's not like he doesn't know that you can speak.""I – I know, which is what makes things even more frustrating." Elsa says, wanting to bury her face in her pillow and groan. "I'm the receptionist, for goodness sake, it's my job to be social. He's seen me answer the phone and talk to the staff and type out e-mails. He knows I can talk to him but instead I choose not to. I'm not just coming off as weird, I'm also rude."At all this nervous nonsense, Anna blows a loud raspberry. "It's okay, just talk to him next time.""That's what Tia and Lottie said." Elsa answers. "But …" Her blue eyes grow as wide as saucers at this. "… I can't talk to him 'next time',""Why not? You know you can't keep looking at him, right?""I know, it's just ..." Elsa shakes her head. "It's just ..." If the Math in her head is correct then ... "My next shift is on Thursday and it'll be very awkward if I were to talk to him that day because it would be –""– Valentine's Day!" Anna finishes her sister's sentence for her. Then her freckled face lit up. "Ooohh, that would be hilarious! I want to hear the drama! Do it. Do it, do it, do it!" Anna chants."A – Anna, no!" Elsa squeaks, feeling the need to hide again."Can you just try?" Anna says, waving her spoon at her laptop camera."I'd rather die than talk to him on Valentine's Day.""A little dramatic, don't you think?"Elsa only grumbles in response."Do it." Anna repeats, glee still twinkling behind her teal eyes."No.""You're no fun."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
crown shyness
ii
As the days go by, attendance starts dwindling, students struggle to keep themselves together and essay deadlines grow nearer. Elsa’s sat in a lecture she didn’t really have to attend but chose to do so. It’s some talk about careers and the future which is somewhat interesting. It’s definitely motivating, but nothing worth writing notes for.Elsa’s usually focused, jolting every little detail she thinks is important, but … the past few weeks have not been kind to her. The blonde even starts spacing out ten minutes into the slideshow, it makes her feel guilty. But, at least, Elsa’s pretending to listen; Mulan isn’t.The second Mulan had taken a seat next to Elsa, she had started doing her own thing; tearing a blank sheet from her paper pad and started doing origami. Elsa almost says something at one point but doesn’t. Mulan’s a strange friend to have – she writes reminders on the insides of her wrist, shows up to classes in onesies when it’s too cold (which is justifiable considering it’s the dead of Winter) and is constantly late for everything. But Mulan’s also the type of friend that’s welcomed and makes Elsa feel less odd for being weird.Either way, Elsa silently watches and wonders if Mulan’s a kinaesthetic learner – absorbing the lecturer’s information like a sponge while fiddling with this and that – or maybe just bored, until Mulan senses Elsa’s lack of focusLeaning to her left, Mulan whispers to Elsa, "So how was your week?"Blinking, Elsa turns her head and watches Mulan’s origami progress before answering, "I feel like I'm falling behind."A smile spreads on Mulan’s face. "Same. I don't know what to prioritise anymore. I'm thinking of just making my essays my main focus then winging my seminars."“That's a good plan,” Elsa admits because it’s true, she's been doing the opposite for the longest time, she should really switch up her approach. It's not like anyone's grading her seminar work. Keen to keep the conversation going, Elsa asks Mulan, "What courses are you doing again?""Oh, ah, Critical Thinking, that’s one. Gender, Sex and Law, umm, I'm blanking out on my other two modules, oh wait – Evidence, duh." Mulan says and smacks her head a little because that’s the one class she has with Elsa."And Law Clinic, right?" Elsa asks."Right." Mulan nods. Then out of politeness, Mulan asks back, "What about you? What are your modules? How are you finding things?""Evidence is a big blur." Elsa says while pulling a face."I hear that.""I have your Company Law notes from last year so it's okay. But, hmm, I like Intellectual Property and Family Law but it's all ...""Too much?" Mulan guesses, hands still folding.“Yeah.” Elsa nods. Wow, her conversations are really boring, no wonder Anna wanted more drama in her big sister’s life. Nonetheless, Elsa’s not willing to let the Clinic topic slide so she tries to talk about it a bit more. “But, it’s not all that bad.” Elsa starts. “I bet the Clinic module is harder than all my modules combined. That’s a hundred percent assessment based, right?”"No. I think I've got it down." Mulan answers with a shrug."Really?" Elsa hums. She's seen a few of the Law students around the Law Clinic, they always look so busy (and stressed). "I heard from a senior that it was hard, that's why I didn't choose it as a module even though I was interested."“Oh, is that why you’re only helping out as a receptionist?”“Yeah, I wanted to get involved some way without being graded sooo … here I am once a week, answering calls and printing stuff.”“That’s actually pretty smart. You get the experience without needing to commit, wish I had thought of that.” Mulan comments.“Thanks.”"However, I wouldn’t say Clinic work is hard, we have advisors to help us students when we're stuck. It's pretty okay." Mulan answers, nonchalantly yet again.“I’m glad then.” Elsa answers. She starts listening intensely to the lecturer out of guilt until a light bulb flickers above her pretty blonde head. "Hey, Mulan?""Yeah?" Mulan's small hands pauses at her origami."Do you know everyone in the Law Clinic?""Everyone? Lol. No. There's like a hundred people there.""Oh." Elsa deflates."But I do know some people. Why?" Mulan questions. “Are you looking for someone?""Kind of ..." Elsa trails off."Ohhh," Mulan stops her folding and nudges her friend by the shoulder. "Spill the tea.""It's just someone I’ve been noticing.” Elsa admits, now feeling embarrassed. She won’t say a thing about the staring but she will describe him. “Uh, redhead.”"Merida?""It's not a girl. It's a guy. He has bright green eyes. Like emeralds.”Mulan runs through the list of names in the archives of her memory. "Oh, hmm, we don't have a large supply of redheads in the Clinic. Especially one with green eyes, so I'm guessing ... Hans maybe? Hans Westergaard? Is that him? The person you’re looking for?”Elsa looks down at her table. Ugh, why is she getting nervous at that name? "I – I don't know. I never asked his name.”Mulan hums, loud and strong, then slips out an idea. "If you want –” Oh no, Elsa sense some meddling. “– I could talk to him for you then introduce you two oh-so casually." Mulan says cheekily, eyebrows raising in a suggestive manner."What – No!” Elsa sputters, feeling heat crawl up her face. “Don't you dare!”“What? Why not? It’ll be fun.” Mulan whines. “There’s no harm done. I see him around five days a week, it’ll be easy-peasy, I’m legit never more than twenty feet away from him!” Mulan says which Elsa disagrees on. And then Mulan adds, “Plus, I’m bored. I want to do something other than my recommended reading and dread about my essays. I mean, look at me, I’m folding origami in class.”“There will be murder involved if you do.” Elsa says in a lowered voice."I can't afford to be murdered right now, I haven't caught up to all my shows yet.""I know you haven't, which is why I advise you not to say anything." The blonde says sternly.Mulan finishes folding her origami – it's a flower, complete with a stem – and sighs, "Geez, Elsa, you're impossible.""Elsa, I don't get it." Tiana says truthfully.Turning to Tiana, Elsa doesn’t prod and waits for her friend to elaborate. They’re walking home together after spending hours on campus. The sun is setting early and it’s Elsa’s favourite season, Winter.Elsa can sense the unwanted conversation but it’s not like she can ditch Tiana, they’re heading the same way. They live together for goodness sake, there’s no avoiding it, so Elsa simply buries her hands into the pockets of her coat and tries to warm up. Her lungs hurt from breathing in the snowflakes and even she gets cold.“I don’t understand why you won’t talk to this boy. You talk about him all the time but you won’t talk to him. It’s strange.” Tiana green mittens hands move as she talks. She’s the sort of person who talks with her entire body. "You do volunteer work weekly; shouldn't you be familiar with walkin’ up to strangers and strikin’ a random conversation by now?""Well ..." Elsa shrugs. "I am sort of familiar, yes, but that doesn't mean I don't get nervous sometimes at the idea of it.”“And you can’t talk to him because of this nervousness?”“No. Not exactly.”At this, Tiana cocks her head. “Is it the expectation?”“The what?”"Expectation.” Tiana repeats, tugging her coat around herself. “I don't mean to sound rude or ill-intended, but, aren't you used to low expectations?"Elsa only raises an eyebrow in response."Again, not to paint any of this in a negatively light but ... Elsa, you should be used to puttin’ yourself out there and not getting’ the answer you want.""You mean someone acknowledging my existence?” Elsa asks, watching the fading sky. “I’ve had plenty of people blank me just for asking if they have any spare change.”“No, I mean …” Tiana huffs. "To put it simply, you should be used to people sayin’ ‘no’ to you.”“Oh, you mean rejection.” Elsa says lightly.“Yup. Personally, I think rejection is the scariest thing in this world and you tackle that on a schedule." Tiana says. Translation: You're brave. Very brave. "I don't ... I don't know why you can't talk to this boy. What's so special about him? What's different?""I ..." Elsa looks down at her hands, mouth feeling dry. "I don't know either. I don’t think he’s ‘different’ or ‘special’, I'm just scared to talk to him."“Because he might reject you? The possibility that he doesn’t want to talk to you?” Tiana asks and suddenly, Elsa feels like she’s back in counselling."It's …” Elsa starts, opening her palms upwards. “It’s not that. I’m not scared of rejection or possibility that he doesn't want to talk to me. It's the fear of …” She trails off, eyes landing on the sidewalk. “I’m scared that once I do talk to him then I’ll find out that he's a rubbish person.”Tiana’s face softens to an understanding one.“Tia, what if he's utter trash?” Elsa asks her friend. “What if the reason I know him from somewhere is because he's done something in the past, something horrible, and my brain is trying to warn me but I just don't know it? I'm walking straight into a fire." She knows she sounds crazy. She knows her words sounding like a ramble but she's just so unsure and afraid of that possibility."Oh, you don't know that." Tiana replies, trying to reassure the blonde with a light squeeze on the shoulder."But what if I do? What if secretly deep down, I do?""Then you'll just have to find out – the hard way." Tiana answers. "You'll have to talk to him and see how things go. That's the only way, Elsa, that's the only way.”"Okay, so here's the plan." Anna says enthusiastically the night before Valentine’s Day, her hands are raised and her teal coloured eyes are shining. "You bump into him in the supply room.""The supply room?" Elsa echoes, raising her brow as she gives her sister a sideways glance through the screen."Yeah! The room with all the pens and files and stuff!" Anna bobs her head. "You said it yourself, anybody can access the supply room and you're too shy to just go up to his desk and strike a conversation with him, sooo why not? The supply room is your best bet!""But I don't need anything, it'll be so weird for me to randomly grab a stapler when I have everything at the reception's desk." Elsa says, making up an excuse."Who cares? Mystery man obviously needs whatever since you’ve seen him in there." Anna says, earning an eye roll from her sister. "You need a motive to go in there." Anna insists. She believes in romance above anything."I don't –”"So here's what you need to do, okay? You're going to print something.""What?""Yeah, time it just right. Have a document ready, then when you see him going in to grab something, hit that ‘print’ button, walk in there and strike up a conversation. Make it lengthy, make it last.""Anna, I can't 'make it last', I'm the receptionist, remember? I have to answer phone calls. I can't leave the desk unintended." Elsa says to Anna’s wacky scheme.Anna pouts for a moment, then another idea pops into her head. "Okay, fine. So, new scenario,” She waves the old thing away like it’s nothing. “We'll improvise, yeah?”Elsa can only give herself a facepalm. Nothing can stop Anna when she’s on a roll to ramble.“Sticking to the supply room run-in –” Anna continues. “– you go print something. So you’re in the room. You see him, he sees you. The both of you exchange a smile.”Elsa sighs at this. What is up with people wanting her to smile at him?“You walk over to the printer that's still spitting your bullshit document out. You have this silver of a moment to initiate a quick conversation, it's go time, but right as you're about to open your mouth; introduce yourself and let love begin –”“Let the what begin?”“– the phone by the desk rings! Alas, you're called to your duty!” Anna drapes a hand over her forehead dramatically. She’s really into her story-telling. “You’re disrupted! It’s chaos and rotten luck! Gasp! Oh no! So you let out a curse!”"I don't curse." Elsa points out."You do this time. You have to curse, you have to catch his attention. Say something weird like, um, I don't know – 'shit titties'?""What?"Anna waves off Elsa's confused look. She's too invested in her make-believe moment. "Anyway, you curse and run off to answer the phone. Mystery man finds your cursing strange but he's intrigued, his eyes stay glued to the door where you just left. Then, the magic moment – the printer sounds! He's brought to his senses! 'That's right!' he realises, you were printing some documents before a client called!""Stop." Elsa begs. Horror crawling into her heart and writes itself on her lovely face. She’s so embarrassed. “Just stop.”Anna ignores this and continues talking, "Mystery man lowers his dreamy eyes and thinks 'This damsel is clearly in distress and needs my help! I shall bring these documents for her!’,""Oh my God," Elsa covers her face in her hands. "Please don't do this to me, I'm so shy.""Oh, come on, Elsa, it's genius!" Anna exasperates."It's silly! I'm not doing this!" Whatever ‘this’ is, it’s a suicide mission.Anna let's out a frustrated grunt. "Plan B then?""We're not –”"Plan B!" Anna hollers. There's no stopping the strawberry blonde. "You bump into him in the break room. It's lunchtime, you have all the time in the world – or, like, an hour."Elsa groans."So, picture this: he's grabbing coffee, back turned away from you. This is your chance. You go up to him and say smoothly – the key word is 'smoothly' –”"Anna –”"Don't interrupt me, I'm on a role. Where was I? Oh, right, you go up to him and say 'Hey, you're 'Doucheface', right? I'm Elsa, nice to meet you',""Did you just –! He has a name!""Which you don't know!" Anna points out. "Besides, we need code names just in case.""No, we don't need code names. I have headphones in every time I call you because you say the most embarrassing things. Your plans aren't going to work. I have one shift at the Clinic. One. I come, I answer calls, I take notes, I print stuff, then I leave. I won’t stick around for such nonsense. I just show up, do my work, then either go home or go to the library to study."“Sooo … I take it that you won’t listen to any more of my plans?”“Absolutely not.”Anna makes a face and wrinkles her nose. "Boo." “Boo.”...He scares the crap out of her. This, she means. And not just because she's afraid of talking to him. It's because she had her back turned when it happened.She didn’t see him. She didn't hear him either; she didn't expect him to approach her, ever. His footsteps were light while his smooth voice cuts through the quietness and rhythmic sound of the printer like a sword."Hi."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
crown shyness
iii
"Hi." He had said to her and the empty supply room....And her reaction was to let out a tiny scream and clutch onto her heart as she whips around, braid swinging. As she faces him, she read his expression. He, in return, gives her an alert look and raises his hands to show her he meant no harm."Hey, it's okay." He says.Elsa doesn't address him back. Her blue eyes stare outside the arc way, no door to shut the room or anyone out. Holy hell, Anna's ridiculous theory about having a conversation in the supply room actually came true? Except, it's sort of the other way around and no one's said each other's names – yet."I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to give you something." He continues at her silence and steps forward. "Here." He then takes her hand and presses a folded piece of paper into it."Um?" Her eyes flits between his face and her now closed hand. She asks, "What's this?"This whole situation … is weird? He approached her out of nowhere, didn't even bother introducing himself then just handed her some sketchy folded note?"My number." He answers.His …"Hold on." She unfolds it and sees his name scribbled in neat, bold writing – HANS. Oh, Mulan was right too. He is Hans Westergaard. Elsa blinks back in confusion and her voice slowly trails off, "I don't … I … what?""You keep staring at me. It's been, what, a month now? You're not very good at being low-key." Hans says."O – Oh. I – I'm sorry. You're right, I'm not very good at pretending." Elsa replies. It's no surprise that she can't pretend to unsee things. The way Elsa has stared at Hans in the past is the same way Edward Cullen stares at Bella Swan – which is intensely.Hans looks back at her and Elsa notes how bright his eyes are. Yeah, she had guessed the shade correctly, emerald green. It would be embarrassing for her to get it wrong with all the eyeballing she's been doing."Um, thank you for … this?" She holds up the paper. God, she's awkward. What is she supposed to do with this?Hans must have sensed something amiss because he asks, "Has there been a misunderstanding?""Um," This could not be any less awkward. "Maybe." Elsa replies then chews on her lower lip. "I – It's just – You look familiar and I couldn't put my finger on where I've seen you but I was too shy to say anything so I stared and … I'm sorry?"Now second guessing himself but things are slowly clicking in his brain. "So … you're not the slightest bit interested in me?" He asks."Erm, not in that way. No ... I am, uh, curious though." Elsa fumbles with her words. "It's like I said, you just seemed familiar and … erm, yeah …" All this, and she hasn't even introduced herself.He stares at her for the longest time. Then a slow spreading smile decorates his face. His eyes twinkle with an accepting mischief. He's finding this moment funny for some reason. He lets out a low chuckle as he tells her, "I thought it was a cosmic joke when I caught you staring at me but it seems like you truly don't remember who I am."This time, it's Elsa's turn to stare. "Hold on ... was I right? We've – We've crossed paths before? So I do know you from somewhere?" She knows he hasn't answered any of her questions yet but a sense of relief washes over her. So she wasn't crazy to assume all this? "Do you know me?" She continues asking."Yeah." Hans nods slowly. "I remember you.""Oh, that's –""You're the reason I moved schools."There's another pause. And then – "Wait, what?"Elsa's hiding around a corner, standing by the teas and coffees, having a little mini-freak out as she whispers everything she's learned in the past few minutes to Mulan. She's going to have a nice long chat with Hans after he's finished up with his Clinic work. But for now, Elsa's just spilling her guts out while Mulan is sipping her tea with interest."So, it turns out," Elsa starts her story. "Hans and I used to go to the same school as kids and, um, that's why I recognised him.""Oh, rad, what are the odds?" Mulan smiles, glad to be part of the gossip. She leans against the counter that's wedged in a nook. It's supposed to be the Clinic's 'break room' but it's more like a small section with a kettle, sink and random bits to make a warm drink.Elsa's eyebrows squeeze together. "No, not 'rad', Mulan. It's the opposite.""What?"Elsa presses her lips together, peeks around the corner before turning back to her friend. "Hans was a childhood bully.""Whoa, what? That's a plot twist!" Mulan says, her brown eyes sparkle with interest. This is great banter! She even leans in to show her interest. "Did he cause you a lot of trouble when you were little? Do you want to get back at him now? It's been years but revenge is revenge.""Huh? Mulan, no. He wasn't my childhood bully."Mulan squints in confusion. "I'm ... not following.""Okay, so," Elsa throws her hands up and tries to think how to explain things. "So our school wasn't exactly big. Everyone sort of knew everyone. Back then, Hans already had a reputation before I even had my first encounter with him.""Because he was a little shit?""Not exactly. Mostly it was because he had about a dozen brothers.""That's a lot.""I know, right?" Elsa manages a small smile but her story still sounded gloomy. "But basically, what I'm trying to say is, I had heard about Hans. Also, yeah, he was a little shit. He was known to be trouble.""Uh-huh." Mulan nods. "Go on.""So, you know, Anna, right? My little sister?""Yes.""This story involved her. Hans was her childhood bully.""Oh." Mulan voices. "Oh." The realisation sunk in. "Oh, no. Oh, that's bad.""It is. I mean, it was. But … I'm not trying to justify Hans but … it happened randomly, if that makes any sense?"It didn't. And Mulan made a face to show it.Elsa bit the inside of her cheek, struggling to articulate herself. "Okay, so, to start off, Anna wasn't Hans's only victim. Um, no, maybe 'victim' is too strong of a word. What I mean is, Anna wasn't the only person Hans bothered. He never had a preference. He just bothered everyone." Elsa explains, giving a little bit of backstory before telling her tale.Mulan bobs her head, encouraging Elsa to speak more."I never thought Hans could have been dangerous. He was just known as that really annoying kid who wanted attention so he got into trouble to seek it." Elsa voices out. "I remember ignoring him a lot. He was just …" Elsa trails off, sighing. "As mean as this sounds, even then, I thought Hans wasn't much. He pretty much was nothing to me but a nuisance." She confesses further. But as Elsa says more, her short nails bit into her palms as her fingers curled into fists. "But then, one day, he crossed the line."If it was possible for Mulan to look more concern, she didn't show it. But her voice did dip low as she asks Elsa, "So what did Hans do?"A short pause came from Elsa. Then she answers, "He hurt Anna.""What happened? Did he hit her?""No, he … I know it sounds bad; what he did was intentional but I don't think he meant Anna a lot of harm. I don't … I wasn't exactly there when it happened. A friend saw everything and rushed over to tell me." Elsa says, trying to recall bits and pieces of her childhood. "If I remember it right, I think we were in the middle of changing class. Anna was running down the halls because she wanted to see a friend and it … just happened. Apparently, Hans had tripped Anna and she fell – very hard.""Did she break a bone?""… No. She lost them.""What?""She didn't brace herself and she fell on her face." Elsa says, reacting to Mulan's hanging out with a cringe. "When I got to Anna, she was crying from the pain. It was quite a horrific sight. There were teeth on the floor and blood was pouring out of her mouth. It was … bad. It was really bad.""Oh, ouch." Mulan answers and makes a face like she's swallowed a whole lemon.Elsa's words came slowly after. "Anna doesn't remember it, which is good. And all of the teeth that got knocked out was baby teeth so there weren't any long-term damages." Elsa swallows something that felt like guilt at the back of her throat. "I truly think Hans didn't mean to cause Anna to lose teeth. That's kind of extreme. But, at the time, I wasn't thinking that it could have been just a freak accident. I remember being so mad that I tattled on Hans to the teachers. I could have just asked him to say 'sorry' but I didn't. I got him in trouble because of it instead."Mulan blows a low whistle."The teachers made a public announcement of what Hans had done the next day. Some talk about respecting others and anti-bullying. Didn't work because kids started picking on him after the news spread that Hans had caused a little girl to cough out blood and teeth.""Oh, instant karma.""No." Elsa only shakes her blonde head. "He was annoying but he didn't deserve to be bullied for it.""Why does it feel like you're defending him?""I'm not. I just feel …" She struggles for the word. "… guilty for what I did.""Why?""What Hans did was bad but what I did was worse. I …" Once again, Elsa trails off. "Hans had to move schools because of the bullying. It got out of hand.""Out of hand? How bad was it?" Mulan presses."Just bad." Elsa answers, she's heard rumours of how they belittled Hans but she doesn't know the full story. "I feel responsible."Reading the blonde's face, Mulan raises a question she doesn't want the answer to, "Are you going to apologise to him?"Elsa fiddles with her hands, a sign that she still felt guilty for what happened. "I should."Mulan takes a sip out of her tea, making a sound like she didn't entirely agree to that decision before asking, "So what's going to happen now?""Hans says he wants to talk? So I'm waiting but I don't know if I want to talk to him. What should I do? I'm scared. What if he yells at me?""Why would he yell at you?""I told you I got him in trouble.""That's sort of on him for being a little shit.""Mulan –" The sound of a door swinging open and Mulan's hushed "He's coming" clams Elsa up immediately. "Shit." Elsa whispers. She's cursed so much in this conversation. Now she wishes she had fled long along."Hey." Hans greets the blonde, his hands stuffed in his coat pockets."Hi …" Elsa tugs on her braid.Hans's eyes glances over to Mulan who wordlessly raises her cup then leaves the area. His green eyes don't stop looking around the room though, like he doesn't want anyone to eavesdrop. He doesn't spare a moment before asking Elsa, "Can we talk outside?""Um," Well, it's better than being contained in a small nook. "Sure."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
crown shyness
iv
It's the 'perfect day' for confrontation.Despite it being freezing cold just days prior, now the sun has suddenly decided to peek out from behind the clouds and offer some warmth, some sunbeams and light. They're sat on a bench; it's the sort of day one should just sit outside, close your eyes, let the warmth of the sun on your face and listen to the birds.They don't speak and Elsa watches Hans hand roll a cigarette. She notes how it's more work, but, at least, it gives him more reasons to be outside with her. For a moment, he lights the damn thing and his face glows a comforting red from the lit flames.It supposed to a comfortable kind of silence between them but Elsa can't handle it. Her conversation with Mulan plays back and rings in her head. "It got so bad that he had to move schools." "How bad?" "Just bad.""How bad were you bullied?" Elsa asks, out of the blue. The question comes flying out of her mouth before she can even consider the consequences of asking such a thing.And Hans's response is to instantly cringe. It looks like the past still haunts him."Sorry. Sorry. Was that too forward?" Elsa apologises, her pale hands now interlocked like a prayer.He takes the cigarette out of his mouth, between two fingers, and exhales. So much for a 'smoking break'. "A little," Hans admits, his reply slow. "I can't really answer you on how bad I was bullied. I've …" He shakes his head, trying to recall the events. He looks like he wants to chain-smoke before answering, but he doesn't. "I've blocked out most of the trauma."Oh, Elsa can relate. She's blocked out Hans's name from her mind for the longest time. So much so that she didn't even recognise it after Mulan had suggested it. If Hans hadn't said it himself and if it were only up to Elsa to figure it out, she wouldn't have been able to guarantee that Hans was indeed Hans. Even if Elsa were to say his full name over and over again, it still wouldn't ring any bells. His face, however, haunts her just as much as Hans's past actions."It has been a few years now so … I understand," Elsa answers and it feels like she's a counsellor.Hans hums, putting the cigarette back into his mouth. "But," He speaks, just barely. "I think I remember having water poured down my backpack, if that comforts you."'Why would that comfort me?' Elsa wants to ask but doesn't. Instead, she mimics his earlier cringe face, even looking away to spare him any pain. She asks, "Your stuff?""Ruined my books." Hans says, "It sucked because people stopped lending me their things. I couldn't borrow anything. Most people were afraid if they had anything to do with me then they would get bullied too.""Most people?""I remember an incident where some kids took advantage of my misfortune and told the teachers they couldn't hand in their homework because they lent their book to me and it got ruined."And all Elsa can think is – Crap. Crap. This is sad. This is not what she was expecting.He tells her, almost nonchalantly, "So, yeah, not 'all', but 'most' people didn't want anything to do with me. Thought I was unlucky. They avoided me like the plague. They acted like I was an instant game over."Elsa winches. Not knowing what to say, she voices out, "That's awful.""It is." He then smiles ruefully. "But, it's not the worse."Oh no. Elsa wants to do something. Maybe reach over and give him a weird, reassuring pat on the shoulder but he's still talking and his cigarette is burning and this conversation feels all wrong."Kids even stole my homework and flushed it down the toilet." Hans recalls.Elsa wants to ask, 'How did you know? How did you know it was them? How did you know it was your homework?' but knows she'll instantly regret her curiosity. Instantly wince as soon as the question leaves her mouth like before. She doesn't think she wants to know, but Hans must have read her face and told her anyway."I had to hand in my essay that day but couldn't find it. I made a big show about it because I remember spending hours on it. Someone later told me one of the toilets was clogged with paper. I went to see, recognised my handwriting instantly.""Oh ..." Her voice trails off."Yeah, it was bad." He answers, an unreadable expression painted on his handsome face."I'm so sorry.""You weren't the one who bullied me." Hans shrugs and takes a long drag out of his cigarette. "Though, I did wish someone did something; the teachers, my parents or my brothers. But, I was an exhausting kid, I was a little shit, always getting into trouble. People probably didn't believe me. Looking back, I won't disagree that I didn't deserve it in some way."Why does it feel like everyone's saying that?"What about now?" Elsa asks, fiddling with her hands."What? You mean, do I deserve to get bullied now?" Hans raises a brow. "I'm a grown adult, Elsa. It would be petty and childish to bully someone at this age.""No, I mean, do you think you're still trouble now?" She rephrases. The warm sun and pleasant atmosphere are doing very little to reassure her of his conversation. Hans had just spewed his guts out. "What did it? What made you decide to turn a new leaf?""You mean, why did I stop being a dickhead?" He asks back, trying to soften the mood now that they're moving slightly away from what he had to endure. The way he reacted, he never wanted to tell but said it all anyway.Elsa cracks a tiny smile. "Pretty much."Now, this talk, this seems to be the one Hans had wanted to voice out, the reason he wanted to talk to her like he's been planning to do so after recognising who Elsa was from all the staring.Hans straightens his back, looks at the view then back at Elsa. "I realised it wasn't doing me any favours. It got me into more trouble than I would have liked." He answers honestly. "It's still getting me into trouble." Then his green eyes soften and he asks her, "Why aren't you a dickhead?""What kind of question is that?" She makes a face. Elsa's this close to laughing and letting out that weird chortle noise she's slightly embarrassed about.He shrugs, "A genuine one."She kicks a rock away with her shoe then shrugs back. "I don't know.""Oh, come on." He coaxes her."I don't like confrontation." Elsa admits after a moment because he's telling her all these things so she feels like she should be telling him things about herself too."I can see that." Hans answers.She resists the urge to roll her eyes, and then adds, "I just don't see the point in being unkind. What do you even get in the end? What's the reward?""I wouldn't call it 'reward' but I'd say hell. Or oblivion if you don't believe in heaven or hell, still sounds shit."Elsa rolls her eyes. She's been around enough students to get stuck in this sort of limbo. She's not falling for this bait-y debate, but she does ask, "Are you scared of that?""What? Hell? No. I just want to be a better person." He confesses.But it's hard for Elsa to accept that fully when he has that damn cigarette dangling from his mouth. A part of her just wants to slap it away. He might want to tone down the swearing too.He breathes in a deep sigh before saying more, "I know I'm no saint but I am trying to be a better person. It's just ... difficult. It's difficult for a person like me. I can be a jerk sometimes. I lash out when I know I'm being treated unfairly. I don't like people stepping on me, I don't know how people just slap on a smile and suck it up." Hans confesses and takes in another deep inhale.Elsa stays quiet, absorbing his words. She doesn't understand fully on what he's trying to say to her. He's resembling a house chimney now with all that smoke. She's looking at him and wondering if he's just that; all smoke (and mirrors). A trick, of some sort."I'm not like you, Elsa." Hans says in the same small voice he used when he was telling her of all the things his bullies had done to him.He may have not wanted her to hear that part, but her ears perk up and she looks at him, just the side of his head, a little to the left, because she doesn't want to stare at him the same way he's staring at her."What do you mean?" She asks."Oh, come on. Don't play coy. I've seen you behind the reception desk, you often wear a hoodie with the logo of a charity on it."Elsa doesn't answer Hans immediately, choosing to only shrug. "It's Winter, it's cold. I didn't mean to show off.""I'm not saying that you are.""Then what are you saying?" She asks."What I'm saying is: you're nice. You're a good person." He tells her then adds, "And I'm not."Whoa, this conversation just turned itself around."You're trying to be, though." She says without any hesitation.He only hums back in response, sounding uncertain. The dying flame from the cigarette in his mouth flicks.It feels like he's putting her on the spot. On a high pedestal. If this is his way of making himself feel bad for being shitty in the past, then Elsa's not having it. Is this what the talk is for? For him to tell her she wins for being a better person than him?Licking her lips, Elsa explains herself. "Look, I appreciate that you're trying. I don't know what compelled you to think I'm better than you in any way. I'm human. I'm not all that noble. I know I help around a lot but these things I'm volunteering for, it's mostly to build my confidence and to learn to talk to people.""You're a little shy. You definitely do need to work on that," He admits. "But there are hundreds of other ways you could have done that. You could have done the minimum and attended a lecture about it or listen to a bunch of TED-talks online. But instead, you're devoting hours of your time helping and volunteering."God, what does she have to say to him to make him stop? This conversation is heading in a different direction from what she was expecting. She expected him to be a little full of himself, maybe even irritated of her from being a little weird. But, instead, he's just beating himself up. So, what? This big talk is just about him feeling guilty about himself?She's seen him around the Law Clinic, seen him work his ass off. Hans doesn't waste time chit-chatting or on his phone. Yes, Elsa doesn't know him well enough but she's been looking at him and she's noticed things about him. He's not all that bad. He's hardworking, he pushes himself harder than anyone else. He's better than he was years ago."Hans?" She finally says."Yeah?""I'm sorry." Elsa apologises again, hoping her words sink in this time."For what?"She raises her palms up, "About everything. I didn't have to tattle on you."He lets out a small sound that could pass as a laugh. "Yes, you did." Hans says reassuringly. "Someone would have said something. Anna, for instance. I wasn't an absolute idiot back then, but I was still an idiot. I planned to be horrible that day. I knew what I was doing. I chose that hall because it was fairly empty. I chose to hurt someone that day. I chose to be bad. And Anna happened to be there. I chose her because she was smaller than me. She looked so happy, without a care, I got jealous. And it happened. I can't take it back. I paid for it."Elsa doesn't say anything, only shifting in her seat. Then she asks, "Did you plan to hurt her that badly?""No." He answers then inhales his cigarette like he's trying to kill the feeling in his chest with poisonous nicotine. What kind of self-punishment bullshit is this? He's beating himself up. "I just wanted to see her cry over some bruised knees. I didn't want any blood spilt."A heavy feeling sits in her stomach. "But, you're also choosing to be a better person now, right?" She asks, wanting things to change. "You're nice now.""I'm …" His green eyes dive to the ground. He's contemplating on something, then he flicks his cigarette out of his mouth and stomps it out."You're nice, Hans." Elsa repeats her statement because he won't say it. "You're getting better. You're improving yourself.""Do you think I should reach out to Anna and apologise?" Hans asks after a beat.Elsa chews on the bottom of her lips first, the shrugs. "Depends. Do you want to?""Of course, I do." Hans says like he's thought about this a thousand times over. "It's not the root of my want to turn a new leaf but it's something I feel like I should do. Face to face, if possible.""So ... like a video call?" Elsa offers."Maybe." He says because would be so odd to reach out of the blue and demand a video call. What if Anna doesn't want to see his face or hear his apology? But then Hans settles with saying, "Yes, a video call would be fitting. Do you think you could help me?"Thinking, Elsa considers his question. The way Hans talks really reminds her of the people she talks to on the phone in the Law Clinic. Total strangers just entrusting their shit situations onto her and wishing for the best even though a tiny part of them know nothing could happen and things can get worse.She's lost count on the number of times she's felt overwhelmed over a phone call when a client tells her the mess they're in and begs to know when they can get help. Some of the cases break her heart, she wants to tell them they'll get justice right away and everything will be fixed. She wants to thank them for reaching for the phone and asking for help because that's really hard sometimes, but the Clinic requires professionalism and it's in the agreement to say, "We'll call you back and let you know" because the truth is, there aren't enough helping hands. The world's mean and it doesn't get better because often people are meaner and that slows things down.Then she answers, "Sure."The corner of his lips lifts in a smile. "Brilliant. When are you free?""I only have Thursdays off.""After I finish my work at the Clinic? I usually stop around four PM."Her eyes start wandering. "Uh, maybe a little after?""Do you have class?" Hans blinks then recalls. "Wait, you just said it's your day off."Now Elsa is the one yanking her gaze downwards to the ground. "Um, it's not class, no. It's counselling.""Counselling?""Yeah." She nods her head, afraid to see the look on his face as she says this.Elsa isn't embarrassed to admit that she needs help, she just doesn't like the reaction she gets afterwards. The pity stares and the pats on the shoulder of 'there, there'. Brushing it off as nothing, Elsa continues talking, hoping some storytelling would lighten the mood."I went to the well-being centre after a particularly hard week. I was having nightmares and found myself grinding my teeth a lot. I was ridiculously anxious. I told my friends and they suggested I go there. I also had a senior tell me how useful it was for her when she was in her last year, I thought I would try it." She wrings her hands together. "I figured I would go in and get a pep talk, but instead I was handed a clipboard and told I would be seeing them next week. It just ... happened. I guess I was more stressed than I thought I was.""Hmm," He hums. "It's nice to know that I'm not the only one self-improving."Her blue eyes immediately lift from the ground. Wait, he's not pitying her? "Self-improving?" Elsa echoes."Yeah. Isn't that what you're doing? Bettering yourself? You knew you wanted to be more, so you did it. It's good.""Good?" Elsa echoes again, more to herself than anyone. She wants to ask, 'So you don't feel bad for me?'"Isn't there a cheesy saying? Something about taking the first step? Asking for help?" He tells her and Elsa would never imagine Hans to be the sort of person to hang inspiration quotes around his room about self-improvement but the fact that he's thinking about it means something."Yeah … Yeah, there's a saying." Elsa says, blinking at the freckles on his high cheekbones. "Thanks for saying that. It's … nice."Hans only lets out a low chuckle and snuffs out the cigarette on the ground even more. He jokes to her, "Good. Because I'm trying to be nice now."And she jokes back with a similar smile on her face, "Yeah, I heard."