Work Text
“The thing about having a best bud, a best buddy, best friend, the kind of manly man friend who you can borrow guns from and loan a few grenades to and go help him merc people on occasion--“Bad people of course. Usually. Most of the time. Because said best bud prefers it that way, even if he's a damn hypocrite who'll blow just about anything or anyone away in the name of ‘saving the world.’ Again. And again. And again. But that's the superhero anti-hero anti-villain thing for you. Always saving the world from something.“Why does the world need saving anyway? What would happen if we didn't save it? Wouldn't the villains figure out pretty fast that wiping out all the people or destroying all the power plants or eating all the chimichangas in the world just makes it a sad, sad, terrible place for everyone?”“Wade--”“Pretty soon you'd have villains turning in their masks and spandex, going off somewhere to help rebuild power plants. Raise cows. Milk elephants.”“Wade--”“Hush, don't interrupt me. I'm sure that somewhere, somehow, someone has milked an elephant. And it was an amazing and terrible thing. The villains could start a farm. Start an elephant dairy. Because how else are you going to have chocolate and coffee and Mexican food and elephant milk ice cream if no one has farms or dairies or ranches or whatever you'd call somewhere you raise elephants?“A zoo? They raise some elephants in zoos.”“Wade!”“What?”“You were saying something about having a … best buddy?”“Patience, don't rush me. I'm getting to that. The long way. You have to be willing to take the Deadpool mind train to get to your destination. Lots of stops. Lots of sightseeing. On this side, scantily clad celebrities in itsy bitsy bikinis. Doesn't Chris Hemsworth look dreamy?”“Wade…”“Don't growl, it's just an objective observation. I appreciate arms the size of my head, it's utterly unnatural and yet so hot. Don't look so smug. No, don't say anything either. I told you, you have to ride this train all the way back to the station if you want to hear my point.“Hey! I said no! I will keep this hand over your mouth if I have to. I don't care if ‘riding’ jokes are as irresistible as a good fourth wall break. Those are my lines, not yours.“The thing about having a bee eff eff, even if he does roll his eyes at you, yes I did notice and you are busted, mister, is that you have someone to talk to.”“You're doing a very good job of that.”“Hush. Verbal diarrhea is better than any other kind of diarrhea. Especially after trying that new taqueria near my apartment. I wanted it to be good, but the disappointment was as painful as the trips to the bathroom while--”“Stop. Please.”“You're trying not to smile. I can tell.”“Possibly.”“Admit it, you enjoy my rambling.”“I’ve never denied it. But if a perk of friendship is having someone to talk to, when do I get a turn?”“Uh uh, I didn’t say friendship. I said best friends. Bee eff effs only. You can’t just say you’re a ‘friend’ and then expect all the perks of serious, die-for-you, kill-for-you, stay until the end of time and meet again a thousand years later as a reanimated corpse level of friendship--”“Please stop.”“--because best buds is super-serious business. And if we’re superheroes and best buds, that would make it super super-serious business. And if you’ve got on one of your the-fate-of-the-world-is-on-my-shoulders expressions, that would make it super, serious, super-serious business. And if--”“Wade!”“.... What?”“Yes, you’re my bee eff eff. Also, I hate this time period’s slang. Can I talk now?”“Really? …… Uh …… Wow. Feeling kinda warm and fuzzy all of a sudden. Or maybe that’s this couch. Honestly, I would have expected more leather or pleather, more discomfort, less fabric, and definitely not this pleasant amount of cushiness.”“Are you cuddling?”“Of course not. Best buds do not cuddle. We’re sharing body warmth. To avoid hypothermia.”“It’s seventy degrees in this safe house.”“Shush, don’t let logic get in the way of my argument. Now talk away, best buddy. Ol’ Wade’ll be all ears.”