Work Text
FRASIER
"The Bostonian"[1]
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
BOTH ON EDGE, FRASIER AND DAPHNE TALK OF LILITH'S COMING VISIT. DAPHNE PACES, MAKING SMALL ADJUSTMENTS TO THE POSITIONING OF FRASIER'S TRINKETS AS SHE SPEAKS.
DAPHNE
You know, I never understand why she finds so many excuses to come here, anyway.
FRASIER
Well, I suppose old friends don't always need an excuse.
DAPHNE
Old friends? The two of you?
FRASIER
Something like it. Difficult to call it an old flame with one party so cold.
DAPHNE
Suppose so. Then, hard to call it friendship, the way you --
DAPHNE'S SHOULDERS TENSE, AND SHE REACHES FOR HER PURSE.
DAPHNE
Oh, well, I should really be going.
FRASIER
Your headache's gotten worse, hasn't it?
DAPHNE
A bit of a draft, too, so if you don't mind --
DAPHNE EXITS TO THE HALLWAY, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.
INT. HALLWAY OF FRASIER'S BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
THE ELEVATOR DOORS PART, REVEALING LILITH, DRESSED IN A MEN'S SUIT, BEARING UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO ONE THAT MIGHT BELONG TO NILES. TOO HURRIED TO NOTICE, DAPHNE RUSHES TO ENTER THE ELEVATOR AND COLLIDES WITH LILITH. INSTANTLY, DAPHNE COLLAPSES FROM THE CONTACT AND IS LEFT LIMP IN LILITH’S ARMS.
STRUGGLING TO SUPPORT HER, LILITH REACHES OUT AN ARM AND KNOCKS AWKWARDLY AT THE APARTMENT DOOR, THEN TENDS TO DAPHNE. AFTER SOME DELAY, FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR AND IS AGHAST AT THE SIGHT BEFORE HIM.
FRASIER
Hello.
HE DOES NOT MOVE FROM THE DOORWAY BUT LOOKS ACCUSINGLY AT LILITH.
LILITH
Hello, Frasier.
FRASIER
What did you do?
LILITH
A minor collision. Your father's physical therapist was not so hardy as I remembered.
FRASIER
I can see what you did.
LILITH
I would ask what you hoped to achieve with that question, but you may notice my present situation.
FRASIER
Of course, of course, just... Let me...
FRASIER EXITS TO THE LIVING ROOM, LEAVING LILITH AND THE RECOVERING DAPHNE ALONE. LILITH KNEELS AND UNBUTTONS THE TOP BUTTON OF DAPHNE'S COLLAR. DAPHNE REACTS.
LILITH
I suppose you'll be using this as more reason to avoid my company.
DAPHNE STARTS TO PROTEST.
LILITH (CONT'D)
Please, spare me your kindness.
FRASIER, CARRYING CUSHIONS AND A COLD COMPRESS, RETURNS BEFORE DAPHNE CAN REPLY.
LILITH (CONT'D)
I have to thank you for your chivalry. I've become accustomed to performing such acts myself, and I have the greatest sympathy for how exhausted you must feel.
FRASIER
Yes, very amusing. Well, it may not seem like anything to -- with you having done so much, of course -- but I'd remind you that these cushions are --
LILITH
Before you further embarrass yourself with this labyrinthine attempt at wit, it may interest you to know that I was serious.
FRASIER
You were?
LILITH
Indeed. Please, I'll keep an eye on Daphne. You may wish take a moment to yourself? A drink, perhaps?
FRASIER
Well, yes, I would.
FRASIER EXITS, AND LILITH TURNS HER ATTENTION TO DAPHNE ONCE MORE.
DAPHNE
What was it we were saying?
LILITH
You were about to agree that using politeness in an attempt to appease me is unlikely to bring about the intended effect.
DAPHNE
All right, then. I was rushing out, suppose you know why that was.
LILITH
You intended to avoid me, I presume.
DAPHNE
Something like that.
LILITH
You didn't go with Martin.
DAPHNE
I have got a life outside of work, you know.
LILITH
Of course. I merely wonder why you might be so choosy with your excuses.
DAPHNE
Dr. Crane hasn't told you, then? He's out the whole week -- something with Duke in that van of his.
LILITH
How charming. Please, express my regret at having missed the opportunity to visit.
DAPHNE
Oh, I'm sure it's all right.
LILITH
Of course. I imagine the trip was planned shortly after my own. I do, however, wish to give you my apologies. Would I be able to buy you coffee this afternoon?
DAPHNE
Coffee?
LILITH
Yes. A gesture of my desire for your forgiveness and recovery.
DAPHNE
You know, I am feeling a bit better.
LILITH
Celebratory, then.
DAPHNE
I think I'd like that.
LILITH
Wonderful.
FRASIER RETURNS FROM HIS APARTMENT.
DAPHNE
Dr. Crane!
LILITH
(STANDING) Ah, Frasier. You're rested, I hope?
FRASIER
I am.
LILITH
I'm glad. It seems Daphne is recovering well. You said Niles would be coming soon?
FRASIER
Yes, returning a book.
LILITH
And your agreement is still in effect?
FRASIER
Excuse me?
LILITH
You've become a less capable liar since the termination of our marriage. I know that our interaction is to be both closely monitored and far from you.
FRASIER
Yes, well, memory persists about your recent indiscretion --
LILITH
There's certainly reason to worry. I'll be on my way. In any case, I apologize for the lack of conversation. I assume I've given you sufficient material for your evening bit on my inhumanity?
FRASIER
Oh, you understand it's done of love.
LILITH
Yes, well. I'll be looking forward to our dinner on Wednesday. I'm sure your adoration will by then be nothing short of Austenian.
LILITH TURNS TO FACE DAPHNE, GIVING HER A SHORT NOD BEFORE SHE EXITS.
LILITH (CONT'D)
Daphne.
FADE OUT.
BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "DIE GRÄFIN UND DIE DIRNE."[2]
FADE IN:
INT. CAFE NERVOSA - DAY
WE JOIN NILES AND ROZ MID-CONVERSATION, EACH ALREADY WITH THEIR COFFEE.
NILES
So, you've finally run out of men. I imagine the transition must be difficult for you, but Maris is a promising start.
ROZ
Better be careful saying that, Niles.
NILES
And why is that?
ROZ
You're kidding.
NILES
The terms of our separation forbid me from making more than three jokes regarding Maris in a twenty-four hour period. I'm rationing.
ROZ
So, you really don't know?
NILES
(IGNORING THIS) The divorce should dissolve the limitation. Of course, this assumes that the divorce is finalized, which seems less likely by the day.
ROZ
It'd be nice to be done with that, huh?
NILES
If you mean to suggest that this... intrigue of yours will hasten the proceedings, forgive me for being unconvinced.
ROZ
You think I haven't done it before?
NILES
Oh, no, talk of that has spread nearly as much as your -- Oh, too obvious. My point remains. Maris has already engaged in one marriage-ending affair, and you...
ROZ
Worth a shot, though, isn't it?
NILES
You want me to consider your pursuit of my wife a favor to me?
ROZ
If you can't be convinced, fine by me. Just thought you cared a little more about that pristine reputation of yours.
NILES
I'm sorry. Your fling is supposed to improve my reputation?
ROZ
Depends on how you think of improved. Rumor's out that one of you's gay, anyway. Figured it might be hard on your love life if you're out of bounds to...
ROZ THINKS ON THE APPROPRIATE ENDING TO THIS STATEMENT.
NILES
Women.
ROZ
Right.
NILES
I should really be on my way.
ROZ
Wednesday night?
NILES
Here. I'll call her right now. If she refuses, you'll know I gave it my best.
HE TAKES HIS CELL PHONE FROM HIS POCKET AND CALLS MARIS.
NILES (CONT'D)
Hello, Marta. Yes, I'm looking for Maris. Would she -- ? Oh, she's just about to start her afternoon meditation. I see. Would you please -- Yes, I realize it's dangerous, but it's important that I speak to her.
AS HE WAITS FOR MARIS TO ANSWER, NILES LOOKS TO ROZ AND INDICATES HIS SUCCESS.
NILES (CONT'D)
Maris? Yes, hello, I'm sorry to trouble you, but I had hoped -- Yes, I understand. That was actually what I wished to discuss. You see -- Yes. A woman. No. Oh, I don't know. Yes, very. No, I don't believe so. Wednesday evening. Yes. Yes? Oh, Maris, thank you! You won't regret this.
THE CALL ENDS, AND NILES RETURNS THE CELL PHONE TO HIS POCKET.
ROZ
Good news?
NILES
She's willing to consider it, given adherence to a few small regulations.
ROZ
And?
NILES
I'll have to ask Frasier.
FADE OUT.
BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "C'EST UNE BUTCH DU MONDE."[3]
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
A KNOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR. FRASIER CROSSES THE ROOM TO ANSWER IT, AND NILES ENTERS.
FRASIER
Niles. I don't suppose you saw Lilith out there?
NILES
No, no, just Daphne, but if you're looking, she did mention meeting her.
FRASIER
Well, yes, but I'd hardly call it meeting.
NILES
You don't mean -- ?
FRASIER
What could you possibly think it is? I haven't told you anything.
NILES
I mean, you know, Lilith... Daphne...(MEANINGFULLY) Lilith.
FRASIER
I'm familiar.
NILES
Well, are they...?
FRASIER
For God's sake, will you say it?
NILES
No, no, I'm sure it was a mistake. What were you saying?
FRASIER
They ran into each other in the hallway, and Daphne passed out.
NILES
Oh! If only I'd been --
FRASIER
Stop. I'm not allowing you to finish that thought in my home.
NILES
I'm simply expressing my desire to help a woman in need. Is there really something so ignoble in that?
FRASIER
You were arriving there.
NILES
Well. You saw Lilith. How was that?
FRASIER
It seems she's taken to a new style of dress.
NILES
Oh?
FRASIER
Do you remember that suit you passed on for Frederick?
NILES
I don't see what that has to do with Lilith, but -- (REALIZING) She couldn't have worn that. It wouldn't have fit.
FRASIER
Because it was so appropriate for Frederick?
NILES
I suppose it was rather premature, but what else should I have done? I had hope that I wouldn't see her until it would fit him, but…
FRASIER
What, seven years?
NILES
Call me an optimist. I just can't believe she would wear it herself. (THEN) Wait, I'm sorry. Lilith was wearing a suit this morning?
FRASIER
Your suit, yes.
NILES
And you didn't know what I meant?
FRASIER
What you meant? What are you talking about?
NILES
They're meeting for coffee. You don't think Lilith's sudden change in appearance could signal something about her... intentions?
FRASIER
Her intentions? That backless dress was clever, but she can't possibly think she has a chance of seducing me while looking like a -- Like a --
NILES
Go on.
FRASIER
Like you.
NILES
There isn't anything else she resembles?
FRASIER
I know how much you'd like to believe in your likeness to Bobby Harron, but I'm sorry, Niles, I just don't see it.
NILES
You can only avoid the subject for so long.
FRASIER
Fine. I'm avoiding the subject. Would you just tell me what it is?
NILES
Well, Lilith... You really don't know? Well, no matter. It seems she may, ah, possess an affinity for women that is not wholly platonic in nature.
FRASIER
You're telling me that my ex-wife is a lesbian.
NILES
This can't be a surprise to you.
FRASIER
A surprise? I was married to the woman for six years.
Do you think I'm in the business of prolonging hopeless relationships?
NILES
Yes. Or somehow the last to know.
FRASIER
The last to know?
NILES
Is this not the woman who once claimed that her only associations with womanhood were, quote, "political and erotic"?
FRASIER
She'd been stopped at a rally.
NILES
You're sure it wasn't a parade?
FRASIER
I'm sure, thank you. You know, it really is absurd that she would come to this.
NILES
You may wish to keep that sentiment away from the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.
FRASIER
The Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation? That has nothing to do with this.
NILES
They're cat-lovers, Frasier. You can't expect them to receive those kinds of comments positively.
FRASIER
Please. They’d never fall for such a blatant performance.
NILES
A performance? Oh, you really don’t believe it, do you?
FRASIER
Well, I just don't know what to believe. Every time she comes here, it's some new reason she's better off since our divorce. Next, I suppose she'll come with an entirely new face and tell me I was responsible for concealing her true self.
NILES
Speaking of, Maris has been in touch.
FRASIER
Oh?
NILES
I was hoping to join her for dinner Wednesday evening, but she insists upon a group. I don't suppose you'd be free?
FRASIER
As tempting as that is, I'm afraid Lilith and I have plans.
NILES
Well, you can't bring her. I may have forgiven her, but I still remember hearing Maris from across the hall after having awoken from a particularly vicious one of her night terrors.
FRASIER
And that was Lilith's doing?
NILES
Yes. She told me later that it was about our wedding. I can only presume it was Lilith's callous mockery that could have traumatized her.
FRASIER
How long ago was this?
NILES
Oh, not too long ago. We'd already been discussing all of this horrible business. Of course, I never thought it would happen, but I'm hoping this dinner will finally resolve things between us. How unforgiving could she be when love is at stake?
FRASIER
You are trying to help your case.
NILES
Oh, I know we laugh, but I'm sure even Lilith could understand the trouble I'm facing.
FRASIER
This is really that important to you?
NILES
Desperately.
FRASIER
I'll speak to Lilith.
FADE OUT.
BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "THE LOVE RAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME."
FADE IN:
INT. CAFE NERVOSA - DAY
LILITH
Daphne, I have to apologize again for your brief incapacitation.
DAPHNE
Yes, well... It had to happen sooner or later, hadn't it?
LILITH
There's no need to be kind. Were this truly an eventuality, I would have some concern for your health.
DAPHNE
Oh, well, I have got a bit of an overactive thyroid, but that's all under control.
LILITH
If that's the case, perhaps you should speak with your physician about --
DAPHNE
No, no, that really won't be necessary.
LILITH
Of course. I overstep. It seems we know very little of each other.
DAPHNE
Yes, it does.
LILITH
You're uninterested in changing this.
DAPHNE
No, no, I -- I would like to, but it's hard to think of what to say, when you don't know someone. I mean, on a first date, I've got all sorts of questions, but you're...
LILITH
Yes?
DAPHNE
You're Lilith.
LILITH
So it seems.
DAPHNE
I don't mean to say there's any reason I wouldn't go on a date with you. Well, you are Dr. Crane's ex-wife, and we did have a bit of a time this morning, but there's nothing... Would you like me to ask one of the questions I'd ask on a date?
LILITH
Please.
DAPHNE
All right. If you were to come back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?
LILITH
As charming an idea as that is, I don't understand how such a thing would be determined.
DAPHNE
Oh, I don't know. It's just the feeling you get. I always thought I'd be a rat. I know they've got a bit of a bad reputation, but that's all propaganda. Think it'd be nice, maybe a Berkshire Dumbo, velveteen maybe. Might be flattering myself a bit there, but I guess you never really know.
LILITH
You've thought about this.
DAPHNE
Oh, yes. You know, when I got my first few rats, couldn't believe how smart they were. That's really all it takes, I think, is meeting one.
LILITH
I wholeheartedly agree. I don't suppose you still keep them?
DAPHNE
No, not since moving, I'm afraid. Took me years to find good breeders back home.
LILITH
You haven't met Peter. He's selective with regard to his clientele, but, if you put together a brief history for me, I could certainly vouch for you. He thinks very highly of me.
DAPHNE
Thank you. (THEN) You know, when you mentioned Jane Austen... It's silly, really, because I know it was a joke, but... Did you ever read Emma?
LILITH
Some time ago. Perhaps you could remind me.
DAPHNE
Well, I was just thinking... You know.
LILITH
I'm afraid I don't.
DAPHNE
(QUOTING) "Why did we wait for anything?"
LILITH
You'll need to be more specific.
DAPHNE
"Why not seize the pleasure at once?"
LILITH LEANS ACROSS THE TABLE, NEARING DAPHNE.
DAPHNE
"How often is happiness destroyed by -- "
LILITH
"Preparation."
DAPHNE
You remember, then?
LILITH
Well enough to know that you've taken it terribly out of context.
DAPHNE
I have.
LILITH
This was intentional?
DAPHNE
It was. Suppose you know why?
LILITH
I suspect you wish to engage in -- What euphemism would you prefer?
DAPHNE
I wouldn't. I mean, I would, but you don't have to --
LILITH
I see.
DAPHNE
And you -- ?
LILITH
We'll need to maintain the appearance of cordiality.
DAPHNE
That's a yes, then?
LILITH
It is.
FADE OUT.
BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "NO QUALS ABOUT IT."
FADE IN:
INT. LILITH'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY
A MINIMALLY ADORNED ROOM, ALMOST ENTIRELY WHITE. ONLY DAPHNE'S VIBRANT CLOTHING MARS THE SCENE, HASTILY THROWN TO THE FLOOR, CONTRASTED WITH LILITH'S MONOCHROMATIC SHIRT AND PANTS NEATLY FOLDED BESIDE THE PHONE ON THE NIGHTSTAND. PLAINLY POST-COITUS, DAPHNE AND LILITH LIE TOGETHER IN THE BED AT THE ROOM'S CENTER, ENTANGLED BUT AVOIDING CONVERSATION. DAPHNE GLANCES NERVOUSLY TOWARD LILITH. AFTER SEVERAL MORE LOOKS, LILITH FINALLY MEETS HER GAZE.
DAPHNE
I haven't been staring at you this whole time, if you thought I was.
LILITH
Why would I expect you to stare at me?
DAPHNE
Oh, I don't know. Something people do, isn't it, staring? Not something I do, mind you, but you wouldn't know that yet, so I thought I might clarify, or else you might think I do.
LILITH
(STRUGGLING TO FOLLOW) And that was your clarification?
DAPHNE
Oh, I'm so glad you understand.
DAPHNE LEANS AGAINST THE HEADBOARD, AWAITING A RESPONSE, THEN LOSES PATIENCE.
DAPHNE
You know, I've never had sex with a woman before.
LILITH
I see. (THEN) It's a first time for us both.
DAPHNE
Really? I hope you don't mind my saying, but I never would have thought with the way you...
DAPHNE GESTURES TO INDICATE JUST WHAT SHE MEANS, EASILY OBSCENE WERE IT NOT HALF-FORMED AT BEST. AS THEY SPEAK, DAPHNE STANDS UP, COLLECTS HER CLOTHING FROM THE FLOOR, AND GETS DRESSED.
LILITH
I've never had sex with anyone without a PhD.
DAPHNE
You haven't?
LILITH
Hadn't. Unless I missed your defense. You hadn't?
DAPHNE
Which was that?
LILITH
Defended your thesis.
DAPHNE
Oh, I've never been a PhD candidate.
LILITH
A little joke of mine. I was inquiring about your previous statement.
DAPHNE
Oh, yes. Well, I suppose it would be present tense the way Dr. Crane talks about you, but no.
TASK COMPLETED, DAPHNE SITS ON THE BED, FACING AWAY FROM LILITH.
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
All that time surrounded by men, and you hardly have to do anything for one to be interested. Not to mention how much harder it is to even find women like us, let alone normal ones.
LILITH
Ah. In that regard, you remain unsatisfied. That is, if you're still listening to Frasier.
AT THIS, DAPHNE STANDS, THEN TURNS TO FACE LILITH.
DAPHNE
I didn't mean any offense. You know, I never sleep with someone on the first date either, but I did that today as well, because -- Oh, never mind that. Think you'd like to do this again sometime?
LILITH
I'm here through Friday.
DAPHNE
Long trip. Usually it's only a couple of days you're here.
LILITH
If your invitation was one of courtesy alone, it may serve you to remember --
DAPHNE
No, no, I'd --
LILITH
If you believe what you hear, I don't have feelings to be hurt.
DAPHNE
Well, I can't go on believing everything, can I? (THEN) I ran into Dr. Crane on my way out earlier. Not the way I ran into you, of course, trying to keep it to one corridor crash a day now, but, he told me something else about you.
LILITH
I can imagine.
DAPHNE
Told me not to expect an apology. D'you know what that meant?
LILITH
Something childish, surely. You didn't ask him yourself?
DAPHNE
Didn't think to, was already running late. I have got to apologize to you, though.
LILITH
Oh?
DAPHNE
Yes, I'm afraid -- Well, you know, this afternoon... I'm afraid I may have... It's always what happens with a man. Decides he's done before you're so much as halfway there.
LILITH
Daphne --
DAPHNE
And, mind you, it's not because I didn't want to return the favor, but you'd just... And then as soon as you... I...
LILITH
It may help to recall that I was present for this event.
DAPHNE
See, that's why I'm so embarrassed. You were there, and I fell dead asleep. Just like a man.
LILITH
My sexual history aside, I can assure you that this would not have transpired were that the case.
DAPHNE
Well, maybe not just like, but you did give them up for a reason, and I can't imagine it was to put all the work in and never get anything out of it.
LILITH
I did agree to see you again.
DAPHNE
Suppose I owe you, then.
LILITH
I'm aware that you may not be wholly familiar with such an experience, but --
DAPHNE
I know, it's no excuse.
LILITH
If you allow me to finish --
DAPHNE
I can, you know. And not just let, either. I've had plenty of time to pick up a bit myself.
LILITH
You miss my point. Have you considered that it's nothing to excuse?
DAPHNE
You don't mean...?
LILITH
I do.
DAPHNE
My god, I should've started this years ago.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "IN OTHER WORDS...."
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
DAPHNE, WEARING A SILK ROBE, EATS A CHOCOLATE-COVERED STRAWBERRY, HUMMING "FLY ME TO THE MOON" TO HERSELF. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR STARTLES DAPHNE JUST AS SHE MAKES HER WAY TOWARD HER BEDROOM. BEFORE SHE CAN REACH THE DOOR, NILES HAS ALREADY STARTED OPENING IT.
NILES
Forgive my intrusion, but, when I called earlier, I couldn't help but notice you sounded different, and I had to make sure you were all right.
DAPHNE
Oh, it's nothing to worry over. I suppose I've been a bit off since Monday, but I'm sure it'll be gone before the week's out.
NILES
Your headaches, of course! Lilith's had you in bed all week, hasn't she?
DAPHNE
Yes, I suppose she has.
NILES
(DRIFTING) Keeping you up all hours of the night...
DAPHNE
Yes, she has...
NILES
You know, Daphne, I could always speak to her about --
DAPHNE
(URGENTLY) No! (THEN) I mean, that really won't be necessary, Dr. Crane.
NILES
It wouldn't be any trouble.
DAPHNE
Well, that's very gallant of you, but sleep's probably my best option right now, so I'll just be...
DAPHNE STARTS ONCE MORE TOWARD HER ROOM, WALKING BACKWARD, AND NILES FOLLOWS.
NILES
You know, why don't I come with you? It's a very long hallway. Another fainting spell could be disastrous.
AT THIS, DAPHNE STOPS WALKING, AND NILES FOLLOWS, STOPPING FAR CLOSER TO HER THAN HE BEGAN.
DAPHNE
Oh, no, I'll be fine. Better to rely on myself anyhow.
NILES
No, don't be silly! I'd be glad to help.
DAPHNE RESUMES WALKING, FORWARD THIS TIME.
DAPHNE
Please, Dr. Crane, I really can manage on my own, so if you'd just--
AS NILES SPEAKS, SHE QUICKENS HER PACE.
NILES
I can't leave you in good conscience, please, let me --
DAPHNE, WITH SEVERAL GREAT STRIDES, ARRIVES AT HER BEDROOM DOOR AND PRESSES HER BACK AGAINST IT.
DAPHNE
Ah, well, here we are. Record time. Suppose you really were a help to me.
DAPHNE TURNS THE DOORKNOB AND SLOWLY BEGINS TO OPEN IT.
NILES
Oh, you've exhausted yourself, allow me --
IN A FLASH, DAPHNE SLIPS THROUGH THE DOOR AND SHUTS IT BEHIND HER.
DAPHNE (O.C.)
Well, goodnight, then!
NILES
Goodnight.
INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
LILITH
You shouldn't be rushing through doors so hastily, given our history.
DAPHNE
Hardly my fault, though, is it?
LILITH
As flattering as I find your eagerness, some restraint would --
DAPHNE
Dr. Crane was here.
LILITH
That was your concern?
DAPHNE
Well, isn't that worrying to you?
LILITH
Niles? He's hardly in a position to criticize either of us.
DAPHNE
And that's stopped him before? If Dr. Crane finds out, he'll tell Dr. Crane, and I'll have to explain to both of them why I'm...
LILITH
Yes?
DAPHNE
That's just what I mean. I don't even know what I'm doing. I mean, I know what we're doing, but I don't know what it is. D'you know what I mean?
LILITH
Should I?
DAPHNE
I told you I never had sex on the first date, and I went and did it anyway, and now we're right where we should've been before, but --
LILITH
Where is that?
DAPHNE
Where's what?
LILITH
Where we should have been.
DAPHNE
I mean, it's just me, really, but, you know. Trying to figure all of it out.
LILITH
All of what?
DAPHNE
You can't just keep asking me questions without answering any of mine.
LILITH
What answers would you like from me?
DAPHNE
See, there you go again. I mean, I know it's in the job description, but I'm not one of your patients, and I don't care to be treated as one.
LILITH
Of course not. I'm simply -- In my previous -- and I use this term in its broadest sense -- relationships, it seems I've had something of a pattern of... a lack of understanding. I wish to remedy that.
DAPHNE
We're calling this a relationship?
LILITH
In its broadest sense, yes.
DAPHNE
And the narrower one?
LILITH
No.
DAPHNE
Oh, thank God.
LILITH
Thank you.
DAPHNE
I don't mean -- I mean, you were the one to say --
LILITH
My ego is hardly so fragile. And that returns us to Frasier. Your concern is that he learns of these developments?
DAPHNE
Yes. You're not worried about that?
LILITH
I doubt whether any of my sexual pursuits could further lessen his respect for me in that regard.
DAPHNE
Right.
LILITH
It's splendidly archetypal. Of course, I'd expect a Freudian to be more conscious of his blatant madonna-whore complex, but I suppose Frasier has never been one for self-awareness.
DAPHNE
I know it's not my place, but he does love you. Course, not in quite the best way, but I think a part of him looks forward to having you here.
LILITH
If it was his hourly countdown to convince you, I'm afraid the sort of anticipation is of a different kind.
DAPHNE
No, no, I just mean... I can see why the two of you were married. I know that's a bit strange of me to say, with you in my bed and all, but it's true. Not many people who can match him where he's comfortable.
LILITH
You're being kind again.
DAPHNE
Am I?
DAPHNE KISSES HER. DISTANTLY, WE HEAR THE FRONT DOOR OPENING.
FRASIER (O.C.)
Daphne?
LILITH
I need to leave.
DAPHNE
He's not going to come in here, if that's what you're worried about. Bit of a rule of ours for a few years now.
LILITH STARTS TO SPEAK, BUT FRASIER'S VOICE, NOW CLEARER, INTERRUPTS.
FRASIER (O.C.)
Is there anything I could get you? I ran into Niles, and he was convinced your headaches had gotten worse.
LILITH
You should answer him.
DAPHNE
No, no, I'm asleep. Have to stay consistent.
LILITH
Ah. So, you won't be able to leave your room.
DAPHNE
Not for an hour or two, no.
LILITH
And you won't be able to shower?
DAPHNE
No.
LILITH
And all of this is until when?
DAPHNE
Well, figured Dr. Crane's going to dinner, so -- Oh. That's with you, isn't it?
LILITH
Yes. In two hours.
DAPHNE
I see.
LILITH
Do you hear -- ?
DAPHNE
Yes, that's him.
LILITH
He's preening.
DAPHNE
Well, go on. I don't mean to rush you, but I don't want to get caught in another explanation.
LILITH
Of course. If you could -- We should have taken more care. Are my -- ?
DAPHNE
Right here.
DAPHNE TOSSES A PILE OF CLOTHING NEAR THE DOOR TO THE BED.
LILITH
And my -- ?
DAPHNE
Your side.
LILITH REACHES TO THE FLOOR FOR HER SHIRT.
LILITH
Thank you.
LILITH FINISHES GETTING DRESSED, THEN REFASHIONS HER BUN.
DAPHNE
Are you ready?
LILITH
Yes. I'll see you tomorrow night?
DAPHNE
Yes, but you can't walk out there on your own. How would you have gotten in without someone?
LILITH
I didn't intend to be seen.
DAPHNE
Yes, well, intentions don't mean much. Come on.
DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND GESTURES FOR LILITH TO EXIT. SHE DOES SO, AND DAPHNE FOLLOWS.
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND LILITH MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE DOOR, SILENT, AND LILITH SUCCESSFULLY EXITS THE APARTMENT. DAPHNE WAITS IN THE DOORWAY.
INT. HALLWAY OF FRASIER'S BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
LILITH PRESSES THE ELEVATOR'S DOWN BUTTON.
LILITH
If you'll forgive my unwillingness to repeat this incident, perhaps it would be best if you come to my hotel tomorrow.
THE ELEVATOR ARRIVES, AND ITS DOORS SLIDE OPEN, REVEALING ROZ.
ROZ
Lilith?
ROZ STEPS OUT OF THE ELEVATOR, BUT LILITH DOES NOT STEP IN.
LILITH
Hello...
ROZ
Roz.
LILITH
I recall. I was merely surprised by your arrival this evening.
DAPHNE
You know, I'm a bit surprised, too.
ROZ
Daphne! Oh, thank God. There was something I needed to talk to Niles about.
LILITH
This is Frasier's apartment.
ROZ
Gee, and to think I'd been going here for six years. He said he was heading here, so I figured it was easier to catch him now than deal with that creep of a doorman at the Montana.
DAPHNE
You're going to have to anyway, I'm afraid. Left a while ago.
ROZ
Guess I could ask Frasier, if --
DAPHNE
No, er, he's a bit busy at the moment. In fact, that's just why Lilith's on her way out.
LILITH
Yes. I, much like you, am unfamiliar with the practice of calling a residence prior to my arrival, and was disappointed to find that Frasier was indisposed.
ROZ
Right. (THEN) So, going down?
LILITH
Yes.
DAPHNE
Roz! I don't know what you think --
LILITH
First floor, too, I assume?
DAPHNE
You're doing, not stopping in to say hello.
ROZ
It's kind of a -- Did Niles say where he was going?
DAPHNE
You know, he was probably going back home. What is it you want to ask him about anyway?
THE ELEVATOR RETURNS.
DAPHNE
Ah, well, if you have to be off, that's that.
THE THREE EXCHANGE GOODBYES, AND LILITH AND ROZ ENTER THE ELEVATOR.
INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
ROZ
Frasier told me you were having dinner later tonight.
LILITH
Yes, we are.
ROZ
And you decided to come here two hours early?
LILITH
Yes, I did.
ROZ
I was asking why.
LILITH
I'm not sure that it's wise to ask that question, being, as you are, in a similar position.
ROZ
So, you don't have an explanation.
LILITH
I have nothing to explain. I was visiting.
ROZ
So, how's Daphne?
LILITH
We didn't speak.
ROZ
You were visiting.
LILITH
I was visiting Frasier.
ROZ
Wouldn't have been leaving if you were talking to him.
LILITH
I intended to visit him.
ROZ
You left.
LILITH
That is correct.
ROZ
Daphne seems pretty healthy for someone who's been in bed the past two days.
LILITH
How fortunate of her.
THE ELEVATOR REACHES ITS DESTINATION.
LILITH (CONT'D)
It's been a pleasure.
FADE OUT.
BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: "DON'T DRESS FOR DINNER."[5]
FADE IN:
INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
DAPHNE, HUMMING AGAIN, LAYS OUT A SELECTION OF DRESSES ON HER BED. EACH TIME SHE PICKS UP ONE OF THE DRESSES, SHE HOLDS IT UP TO HERSELF FOR CONSIDERATION. SHE REPEATS THE PROCESS WITH TWO OF THE DRESSES, SETTLING ON THE SECOND.
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
FRASIER, NILES, AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE HALLWAY, MID-CONVERSATION.
ROZ
How long were you going to keep it from me that Daphne and Lilith were sleeping together, anyway?
NILES
Excuse me?
ROZ
What, they're not? Some coincidence, both of them finally getting laid in the same week when they're spending all that time together.
NILES
Please! This is nothing more than a pathetic attempt at satisfying your need for some kind of sexual balancing of accounts. How you would even know such a --
FRASIER
When hasn't she known, Niles?
ROZ
Come to think of it, Niles, all that's left is you, and that makes every sex-starved shut-in in Seattle.
NILES
(SHOCKED) Daphne?
ROZ
You haven't heard her policy?
NILES
Oh, her policy! Her policy? I -- Well, I know that I know it, but perhaps Frasier, for the sake of understanding --
FRASIER
For God's sake, if this is true, I have news for you about that policy, Niles: It categorically excludes you.
NILES
If you're referring to my sex, it's entirely possible that she's interested in --
FRASIER
(IGNORING HIM) But Daphne, a lesbian, well -- I can understand Lilith --
NILES
Hold on.
FRASIER
Yes?
NILES
The last I spoke with you, you were insistent that Lilith was simply performing as such in an assertion of her continued dominance over you. Your dinner can't have been enough to override such --
FRASIER
Is this the time? Daphne could be falling prey to the same seduction that has engulfed two too many of this family already.
ROZ
Hold on.
FRASIER
Yes?
ROZ
Is it really appropriate for you to be speculating about Daphne's sexuality?
FRASIER
(DEFENSIVE) It's appropriate for you!
ROZ
It's not speculation, and I'm not her boss.
FRASIER
And why isn't it speculation?
NILES
She wasn't -- ?
ROZ
God, no. Look, maybe I shouldn't have brought it up.
NILES
But now that you have, from a strictly academic perspective...
ROZ
Fine. Whatever you plan on getting from this, go ahead. You're clearly desperate enough.
NILES
I am.
ROZ
Well, you can't tell me you haven't seen her.
NILES
As a matter of fact, I have. Why, just yesterday, I came to check in on her. Practically at death's door.
She was barely dressed and desperate to get to get back to bed. She could hardly walk, let alone --
FRASIER
Niles.
NILES
I'm sorry, I think I may need to sit down.
FRASIER
As pleasant as whatever you're imagining must be for that deluded head of yours, you can't actually believe that Daphne would have undergone a conversion --
NILES
Roz did.
FRASIER
Yes, well, Roz isn't -- Excuse me?
ROZ
Great job keeping up that deal.
NILES
I'd hardly call it a deal when --
ROZ
Yeah, some deal not getting Maris within --
NILES
It was really more of a favor, so really --
FRASIER
Maris?
DAPHNE ENTERS, WEARING A ROBE AND DRESS SHOES, AND THE CONVERSATION HALTS.
DAPHNE
Hello, all.
FRASIER, NILES, AND ROZ SHARE AN EXTENDED LOOK, UNSURE OF HOW TO PROCEED.
FRASIER
(CAUTIOUSLY) Daphne.
DAPHNE
Would you mind telling me what you've been arguing about, when, for all I can remember, you were meant to be at dinner for, what, another three hours?
FRASIER
Well, you see, Daphne, Maris couldn't make it, and -- (REALIZING) Roz?
ROZ
Yes, Frasier, Maris couldn't make it, and they wouldn't seat us without a fourth member of the party, so I --
NILES
Entered into a battle of wits with the maître d', which, naturally, she lost, forcing us to retreat.
ROZ
Right. And because Niles -- Oh, well, you know Niles, Daphne. Such a fragile --
NILES
My delicate constitution has nothing to do with this!
ROZ
Oh, right. Because of Niles's inhuman strength, he couldn't make it home without stopping back here, and I wasn't about to miss out on a night that crazy, so... here we are.
DAPHNE
And what was all the shouting for?
FRASIER
Daphne, are you sleeping with Lilith?
DAPHNE
Are you really asking me that?
NILES
Of course not.
ROZ
I am.
DAPHNE
Well, if you really want to know the answer, go ahead. Search my room. Call her. Whatever you like. Seems my word isn’t good enough around here anymore, so go on. See for yourselves.
FRASIER CALLS LILITH AND WALKS AWAY. BEFORE HE EXITS, WE HEAR HIM ADDRESS HER.
FRASIER
Fräulein Geschwitz.[4]
DAPHNE
Geschwitz?
NILES
Oh, just an overdue joke of his.
DAPHNE
I understood. Just a bit soon, isn't it?
NILES
Daphne, I am so sorry for these vicious attacks on your privacy.
DAPHNE
No, no. I heard you shouting, too, Dr. Crane, and if that’s what this was about, go ahead.
NILES, NEEDING NO FURTHER ENCOURAGEMENT, BOLTS OFFSCREEN TO DAPHNE’S ROOM, AND ROZ SETTLES INTO THE COUCH.
ROZ
So, you and Lilith.
DAPHNE
You can't be serious.
ROZ
Who else are you wearing those shoes for?
DAPHNE
I'm breaking them in.
ROZ
Right. And you're testing out that lipstick to see if it really does last twelve hours.
DAPHNE
I am! And even if it were for someone, I don't know what makes you think it would be her.
ROZ
Come on. She's got those legs... Those hands. That whole air of superiority. And you only see her once a year. She's the perfect man.
DAPHNE
Well, that's just it, isn't it?
ROZ
What, that she's a woman?
DAPHNE
It wouldn't be for you?
ROZ
It'd be different.
DAPHNE
Bit of an understatement, that.
ROZ
Could be. You haven't said no.
DAPHNE
You haven't asked me anything.
ROZ
Then ask me.
DAPHNE
If you're sleeping with Lilith?
FRASIER REENTERS, JUST CATCHING THE END OF THE SENTENCE.
FRASIER
Roz?
ROZ
Take it you got ahold of Lilith?
FRASIER
Yes. I didn't expect to say the same of you, but if that's where you've turned your preferences, I can't say --
ROZ
God, it's always me, huh? What, Lilith told you I was her fling?
FRASIER
She didn't tell me anything. In fact, I've never heard her laugh so much, save that -- Well, it's no matter what.
ROZ
She laughed?
FRASIER
Well, it was some sort of mangled sound, but, yes, I believe so.
DAPHNE
You can leave her be sometimes, you know.
FRASIER
Daphne?
DAPHNE
What? Just because you can't show a little empathy to someone who's not sleeping with you doesn't mean none of us can. You know, for a psychiatrist, you really ought to --
NILES REENTERS, CUTTING HER SHORT.
NILES
(BREATHLESS) I found a tie!
DAPHNE
A tie?
NILES
Yes. Your closet.
DAPHNE
And just what were you doing there?
NILES
I had to look everywhere. For integrity's sake, of course. And I know that the closet might be a bit on the nose given circumstance, but you can never be too thorough, so I opened it, and there it was.
DAPHNE
And that's supposed to prove something.
NILES
Well, perhaps not prove, but --
DAPHNE
You do know I do the laundry here.
NILES
Yes, but this tie is dry-clean only!
DAPHNE
That argument follows, may as well be sleeping with you.
NILES
Oh. I, ah, I suppose -- Is that -- ? Yes, that -- That makes sense. Thank you, Daphne. I hadn't considered... just how many people... Well, if you'll excuse me, I really should be getting home.
DAPHNE
No, stay, if you're that much more comfortable here than I am. You know, I just might spend a day or two on my own. Remember what it feels like.
FRASIER
Daphne, please --
DAPHNE
No, no, I'm just going to have to take a night or two to myself, come back when I'm feeling a bit more a person around here.
FRASIER
Daphne, we didn't -- Even if you were, we wouldn't -- It was Lilith!
DAPHNE EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR.
INT. LILITH'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
LILITH SITS IN BED, READING ORLANDO, UNTIL SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY A KNOCK. SHE MARKS THE PAGE, THEN GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR. UPON ITS OPENING, WE SEE DAPHNE, DRESSED TO THE NINES, CARRYING HER ROBE.
LILITH
Daphne. I appreciate your punctuality. I admit, I cannot fully appreciate your choice in outerwear this evening, but I haven't kept up with women's fashions for some time. Is this...?
DAPHNE
Oh, no. It's a bit of a long story, really, but if I could just leave it here, we can be on our way.
LILITH
Of course. My jacket will suffice?
DAPHNE
More than. Though you are missing a tie.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. CAFE NERVOSA - DAY
BEGIN CREDITS
AS DAPHNE SITS OPPOSITE ROZ, DETAILING LILITH'S SEXUAL PROWESS WITH WILD GESTURES. ROZ SLIDES DAPHNE A PEN AND NAPKIN, AND DAPHNE ILLUSTRATES THE SCENE. ROZ LEANS ACROSS THE TABLE, WATCHING INTENTLY.
END CREDITS
FADE OUT.