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“Hyung, do you— JESUS! FUCK!” Jackson shouted, immediately lunging back out of the room and slamming the bedroom door shut again.At the same time, Jaebum scrambled to cover himself, but the damage had already been done. Jackson had — quite literally — caught him with his pants down. Specifically around his knees, with one of his hands preoccupied with his now softening arousal.“At least lock the fucking door!” Jackson hollered.He cursed and hastily pulled his sweats back over his hips, his face burning hot. He had totally forgotten about the door.“You could have knocked!” he tried to bite back irritably.A loud thud on the other side of the door suggested Jackson had punched it. “Why the fuck would I knock to go into my own room?!”Groaning, Jaebum buried his head in his hands. Normally, he took care of himself in the bathroom or when Jackson was on one of his increasingly more frequent trips to China. He felt his face grow hotter. After so many years living together in cramped dorms full of mostly teenagers and 20-year-old males, none of them so much as blinked at the sight of one of their dicks. But being caught jerking off — that was new. “Just like— text me when you’re done or something.”Jaebum gaped incredulously at the door. “WHAT—!”“Do what you gotta do, man.” As Jackson’s footsteps moved away from the door, Jaebum fell back on his bed. He buried his face into his pillow, and let out a loud, distressed moan.God, he hoped the bed swallowed him whole before Jackson came back. An hour or so later, the door opened slowly. And to Jaebum’s unfortunate luck, the bed hadn’t swallowed him.“You have your pants on?” Jackson asked, sounding somewhere between teasing and legitimately wary.Jaebum scowled. “Just come in, Jackson.”The door opened fully, showing Jackson's shit-eating grin.“All done then?”“I swear to God—”Laughing, Jackson pulled his hoodie over his head and tossed it in the corner with the growing pile of clothes that were probably some mix of clean and dirty. Jaebum's eyes caught the little bit of exposed skin as his tank rode up, and quickly darted his gaze back down to his phone.“It’s totally natural—” Jackson clambered onto his own bed. Jaebum heard him cackle before his face appeared upside down over the edge. “So what got you so hot and bothered that you forgot to lock the door?”Jaebum grabbed his pillow and hit Jackson squarely in the face, taking great satisfaction in his distressed shout as he flung back onto his bed.“That was mean,” he could hear the pout in Jackson's voice.Jaebum readjusted his position, and returned to scrolling through some Instagram that had nothing but kittens.It was nearing 1am before Jaebum finally felt his eyes and limbs becoming heavy. Sighing, he stood and briefly glanced at Jackson, who was absently scrolling through his phone. He flicked the lights off, casting them in darkness except for Jackson's phone screen and the band of light that shone through the narrow space between their door and the floor.He collapsed atop the covers with a tired sigh, the late summer heat still too warm despite the weak air conditioning and light whir of the fan at the end of his bed. Just as he was drifting off, Jackson’s voice spoke above him through the darkness.“Hyung.”Jaebum hummed to show he was listening.“I was thinking about earlier.”This time Jaebum replied with a loud, embarrassed groan and buried his face in his pillow. “I really wish you wouldn’t.”“No, listen—” he heard sheets rustling and the upper bunk creaking beneath Jackson’s weight as he wormed his way out of the small bed and climbed down the metal ladder.He turned just in time to see Jackson’s dark figure climb into the lower bunk with him.“What are you doing?” he scrambled as far back against his pillows as he could and tried to pull his knees up to his chest, but Jackson had held them down and sat on his thighs. It was a bit of an awkward position, he had been forced to hunch over to avoid hitting his head, but he made it work.“Just listen for a second,” Jackson planted his hands on Jaebum’s shoulders to keep him from sitting up and throwing him off.Jaebum glared at him, knowing Jackson probably couldn’t see it.“When is the last time you had sex?”“I— what—!” Jaebum sputtered unintelligently. “I don’t— what does that have to do with—!” he took a deep breath and tried to regather his thoughts. In a voice much more calm than his own thundering heart, he said, “What does that have to do with anything?”“You were jacking off in our room and didn’t even the lock the door,” Jackson replied, sounding as if Jaebum had asked a particularly stupid question. “Even Yugyeom locks the door and we all know what he’s doing—”“Stop—” Jaebum moaned, throwing his arm over his face, his face flaming red. “Please.”“The point is,” Jackson continued, reaching out and forcing Jaebum’s arm down. “Clearly none of us are getting much of anything these days, I swear, Mark waits until he thinks we’re all asleep but you can hear him in the bathroom—”“Jackson, I’m begging you—”“What if we just...help each other out.”The room became silent and Jaebum suddenly became very aware of Jackson’s weight on his legs. He swallowed.He choked out his next words. “What are you talking about?”With an impatient huff, Jackson leaned back and crossed his arms. Now that Jaebum’s eyes were more adjusted, he thought he could see the exasperation in his expression.“Do you want me to show you or do you really need me to spell it out?”How badly Jaebum wanted to say show me.It would be a lie to say he hadn’t thought of it before — Jackson’s rough hands wrapped around him, or maybe even his plump, pretty lips. He felt the familiar stir of interest down low and held back a frustrated groan. The last thing he needed was for Jackson to feel him getting hard while he was seated right beneath his crotch. Still, a part of him wondered what Jackson would think if he told him it was him he was thinking about when he had barged into the room earlier. His cock twitched again and this time he took a long, calming breath.Ok, he thought, yeah, maybe it had been a while…But what Jackson was suggesting was insane. It was dangerous and most importantly—“Show me,” he breathed.—Jaebum was an idiot.There was a stunned silence in which Jackson stared at him. Then, just as Jaebum thought he might back off, laughing nervously that he had been joking, he uncrossed his arms and placed his hands just above the waistband of Jaebum’s long shorts.“Yeah?” he asked, his voice a fascinating mix of disbelief, anticipation, and nerves.His fingers slipped under the hem of Jaebum’s shirt, tentative and curious. He drew in a soft hiss of breath, his skin ticklish where Jackson kept his touch feather light just below his belly button.“I didn’t—” he took a staggering breath “—someone interrupted earlier,” he finished.Jackson’s quiet chuckle rolled over him like a slow moving wave. It wrapped around him and sunk deep beneath his skin. Through the darkness, he could make out Jackson’s amused grin as his hands trailed back down to the waist of his shorts.“I can make it up to you.”Jaebum swallowed as they looked at each other. Jackson’s eyes were difficult to make out, but Jaebum knew he was waiting. Knew the silent, there’s no taking this back.He felt his cock, now hard and heavy and trapped uncomfortably in the fabric of his shorts. He thought about pushing Jackson off. Of taking care of it alone in the bathroom. Then he thought about Jackson’s hands instead, strong and steady and warm…He let out a low groan of frustration as his hips moved up just enough to make him feel the soft drag against his sensitive arousal.“What are you waiting for, then,” he gritted out.There was another, fleeting moment of hesitation before Jackson’s face broke into a confident grin as he slipped his fingers into the waistband and tugged. Jaebum lifted himself just enough for Jackson to pull his shorts down around his thighs, freeing his erection.Embarrassed again, he turned his head to the side and fought the urge to cover himself from Jackson’s intense gaze.“Are you really sure about this?” Jackson leaned forward so Jaebum could feel his warm breath against his neck.Jaebum let out a single, unsteady breath. “Yes.”He felt warm fingers wrap around the base of him and groaned at the sensation of Jackson’s hand stroking up.“Like that?” Jackson chuckled low, and repeated the movement.Jaebum turned his head to the side, too embarrassed to look at him. He couldn’t take the feeling of Jackson seeing his face screwed up with pleasure whenever he ran his thumb along the sensitive underside of the head. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, a voice was reminding him that they weren’t allowed to do this. That Jackson shouldn’t be holding him, hard and heavy in his hand, working him in slow, steady strokes. But sensible Jaebum had long been shoved aside by the one who had wondered and fantasized about what it might be like to have Jackson just as he was now — above him, his hands on him, his breath on his neck, his low voice whispering in his ear.Jackson’s free hand came up and gently touched his face, guiding it around so Jaebum was now gazing into the dark eyes that seemed as though they never wanted to look anywhere else. He saw the corners lift up a bit as Jackson smiled.“That’s better,” he breathed.Jaebum’s breath hitched as Jackson’s movements quickened. Their faces were so close now, their breaths mingling together, lips just close enough to touch, but neither closing the gap between them. Jaebum rocked his hips into Jackson’s hand, his breaths harsh and uneven.He cursed, feeling the building pressure low, tightening and begging to be released. He gripped Jackson’s arm, fingers digging into the soft, exposed skin, and hard muscle.“Fuck, Jackson I’m—” he threw his head against the pillows with a low moan, chest heaving against Jackson’s as his release coated Jackson’s fingers and the bottom of his shirt. He lay on his back, panting, his climax slowly ebbing away as Jackson’s hand stroked his softening cock a few more times before releasing.He smiled apologetically as he cleaned his fingers off on Jaebum’s already dirty shirt. “My bad.”Jaebum snorted and sat up, pulling the shirt over his head and tossing it on the floor. Jackson backed off his legs and sat, watching him from the end of the bed as he tucked himself back into his shorts. The realization of what they had just done hadn’t quite sunk in yet. Jaebum still felt breathless and languid from his release. He glanced at Jackson, his eyes dropping to his lap, where he saw his own, obvious arousal.He swallowed and looked back up. In the darkness, it was difficult to read his expression perfectly, but Jaebum thought he looked almost cautious, as if unsure what would happen next. He glanced back down again.“Do you want me to—?”Jackson let out a quiet laugh. The sound was soft but there was a harshness to it that struck through him. It was hard not to feel hurt by the sound.“You don’t have to...consider it my apology for interrupting earlier,” Jackson’s voice was light as he stood and grinned. Jaebum felt another sharp jab in his gut. “Goodnight, hyung, sorry about your shirt.”The hallway light flooded momentarily into their room as Jackson opened the door. Just as quickly, Jaebum was thrown back into darkness. He stared just a moment longer before falling to his pillows with a harsh, unhappy sigh. He turned his head and stared at his soiled shirt. The memory of Jackson’s hand on him already felt distant and unreal.He waited until Jackson returned, pretending to be asleep as their door opened and clicked shut again. Before long, Jackson’s quiet snores filled their room.With another sigh, Jaebum fell into a fitful sleep. The next morning was...weird. If Jaebum had to choose a word for the exceedingly normal way Jackson grunted “good morning,” dressed, and clamored into the van for the day’s schedules.All day he felt out of sorts watching Jackson act as if nothing happened. Everything from the casual way he threw his arm around Jaebum's shoulder as they walked into the broadcasting station, to the easy way he lounged next to him in the dressing room as he bantered back and forth with Jinyoung. Everything was so infuriatingly normal that by the time they finished their schedules for the day, Jaebum was wondering if it hadn’t all just been a very vivid dream.By the end of the day, as they trudged into their apartment one-by-one, Jaebum’s mind was splintered into a thousand different thoughts, none more sensible than the last. They each split off as usual — Mark, Youngjae, and Jinyoung beelining for their rooms, while Bambam and Yugyeom entered the kitchen bickering about which ramen to make. Jackson headed for the bathroom. After a moment's hesitation, Jaebum followed.“Lock the door,” he mocked when the door swung open easily.Jackson let out a startled shout, his hands flying away from his zipper.“DON'T BARGE IN LIKE—”Jaebum hurriedly covered his mouth, hushing him. Barging into the bathroom was probably a stupid idea.“Do you have to shout?” he hissed.Jackson glared at him over his hand. Jaebum slowly drew it back, then shut the bathroom door.“I know you have a habit of kicking people out of the bathroom but can't you at least let me piss—” “Did you mean it?” he cut Jackson off, his words leaving him in such a rush it would be a small miracle if he actually understood him.Jackson's eyes widened slightly. For the first time that day, the previous night hung between them like a forbidden secret they dare not speak aloud. He watched Jackson's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed.“I—” he stopped, then started again. “I mean, yeah…” pink dusted endearingly across his cheeks. “If...you know...you want to...we could…”Jaebum stared at him, frowning. “Do you?”It felt surreal, standing in their small bathroom, talking about...this.Jackson's eyes met his, steady and sure and full of that confidence that was so difficult to decipher whether it was feigned or genuine.“I wouldn't have asked if I didn't.”‘Why?’ was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. Vaguely, he wondered if Jackson had thought about him while he had his own fingers wrapped around himself the same way Jaebum sometimes imagined Jackson's hands on him instead of his own.He swallowed. Nervous anticipation thrummed along his skin like a low piano or guitar chord. His mouth suddenly felt dry when he spoke.“So just…” he trailed off.“Getting each other off? Yeah...or like…” Jackson waved his hand in the air, searching for the words. “Whatever...you're comfortable with...no strings or anything...just...you know...friends...with benefits.”Friends with benefits.Jaebum wondered if that ever actually worked out as simple people planned. Still, his eyes fell to Jackson's lips and back up again.He was already beginning to reason with himself. It wasn't like they had time for relationships. He remembered how much more satisfying it had been to have someone else's hands on him after so long. A swirl of pleasure coiled low in his belly. He took a slow breath.“Ok—” be stepped forward. “One more thing.”Jackson licked nervously at his lips, the earlier confidence slowly falling away. “O-ok.”Jaebum curled his fingers into the front of Jackson’s shirt. He felt heat rising up his neck and across his cheeks. He felt so juvenile, so young and inexperienced with his heart doing little, jittery skips in his chest.He leaned forward and pulled Jackson towards him at the same time. Their lips came together and Jackson's mouth opened so easily, letting Jaebum to lick into his mouth. A small sound caught in the back of Jackson’s throat and Jaebum surged forward, kissing him deeper, spinning him around and pressing his back against the door. Jackson’s fingers tangled into his hair as he thighs parted, letting Jaebum slip between them and press their growing arousals together through the fabric of their jeans. Jaebum’s teeth caught the bottom of Jackson’s lips and he quickly followed again with his tongue. He felt like he had been waiting his entire life to kiss Jackson and this was the first and last time.His hand wandered down Jackson’s side, fingers finding the hem of his shirt and slipping under. Jackson gasped and Jaebum caught it in another kiss. He wandered lower, teasing along the waistband of Jackson’s jeans.“Fuck,” Jackson pulled back with another gasp and reached down to stop Jaebum from unclasping the button. “Wait.”Jaebum looked at him questioningly. Jackson’s breaths were coming in short, staggered pants, his cheeks flushed pink, lips red and swollen and inviting, as if begging Jaebum to taste them again…He leaned forward but Jackson’s other hand came up to rest on his chest. Seeing his confusion, Jackson smiled softly.“Trust me, I’d love to continue but…” he guided away the hand still resting at his waistband. “I really do have to piss.”They stared at each other for a moment. Then dissolved into laughter. Whatever tension had been between them eased back enough for Jaebum to take a step away so Jackson could straighten up again. Still grinning, he opened the door and shoved Jaebum through it.“I won’t be long.”He flashed another smile before the door shut between them.“Hyung?” Youngjae appeared from his and Mark's room, already changed and looking at him questioningly. He glanced behind the door he had clearly seen Jackson disappear behind.Jaebum really wished he could control the red flush coloring his face.“Uh…” he cleared his throat. “Jackson needs to learn to lock the damn door,” he muttered.Youngjae stared at him a bit longer, as if determining whether he believed Jaebum's obvious bullshit. When his expression finally neutralized, Jaebum imagined him thinking ‘not my problem.’“Yugyeom and Bambam said they made extra ramen,” he glanced behind Jaebum again as Jackson emerged from the bathroom “If you want some…”He opened his mouth to decline, when Jackson jovially threw his arm around his shoulder.“I'd love some ramen,” he grinned. Jaebum didn't miss the gleam in his eye when Jackson glanced at him, the innuendo clear in the look alone.He fought back a groan and let Jackson lead him towards the living room, where Mark was already slouched on the couch, eyes glued to his phone as Jinyoung placed kimchi and instant rice on the coffee table. Jaebum sat on the floor opposite of the couch. Jackson dropped next to him, close enough so their knees bumped together. Minutes later, Bambam and Yugyeom entered each carrying precariously full pots of ramen. Jaebum scooted back as broth slopped over the sides when Bambam placed it on the table.Predictably, their modest dinner turned chaotic and loud. The seven of them barely fit around the table and there had been a lot of arguing about how much the others were taking. By the time most of the kimchi and ramen had been eaten, Jackson and Yugyeom ended up in a fencing match with their chopsticks over the last bite of rice, only to have Youngjae quickly drag the container towards himself and finish it.Jaebum sat back and laughed along with Bambam, Mark, and Jinyoung as Jackson rounded on Youngjae, who sniped back unapologetically. It was nice, sitting around like this, he thought. He liked the normalcy of simply eating dinner in the midst of their abnormal lives, bantering and bickering loudly. They ate together often during schedules, but it was rare in the apartment.Jackson’s head fell on his shoulder as he leaned heavily against Jaebum, laughing with the rest of them. Jaebum glanced down to see his lips spread in a wide, joyful smile. A flash of memory reminded him those lips had been on his just an hour ago. He looked away again and stood.“Don’t forget we have an early schedule,” he glanced around at the rest of the group, who had paused long enough to look at him. He smiled a bit as to seem a little less brusque. “Get some rest, ok?”He felt Jackson’s eyes on him as he turned to leave. After quickly changing and brushing his teeth (and remembering to lock the bathroom), he returned to their room, where Jackson had greeted him by tugging him inside and pressing him against the door much like Jaebum had done earlier.“Ramen, huh?” Jaebum grunted as Jackson’s lips found his neck and his hands slipped under the hem of his shirt and ran across his stomach.Jackson grinned and nipped lightly at the skin. “Liked it?”Jaebum wasn’t really sure if he was talking about the joke or the jolt of pleasure that shot straight to his cock.“Very clever,” he gritted out, rolling his hips forward so Jackson could feel him already growing hard.He felt Jackson’s lips spread into a wider smile against his neck.“I thought so,” he replied, his fingers slipping beneath Jaebum’s waistband and lower until he found what he was looking for. “Anyway where were we earlier?”The slow drag of his hand was just as unhurried as it had been the previous night as Jackson worked him to full hardness. Jaebum sucked in a long breath and leaned his head back against the door.“Wait…” he muttered, reaching behind him. Jackson paused and drew back just enough to give him a confused look. Grinning, Jaebum turned the lock on their door.At the sound of it clicking into place, Jackson’s head fell to his shoulder and he shook with laughter.“We’re never gonna get off like this,” he muttered.Grin widening, Jaebum pushed off the door and pulled Jackson’s hand off him.“You think?” he teased, leaning in to capture Jackson in another searing kiss. He placed his hands on Jackson’s hips and guided him backwards.There was another awkward moment of trying to climb into the tiny bunk without hitting their heads, but through their quiet giggles and little stolen kisses on the way down, Jaebum found himself on top of Jackson, one hand tangled in his hair and the other tugging impatiently at his waistband.Jackson moaned into their kiss, arching his back, grinding their hips together. Jaebum could feel him already, hard and straining against the front of his joggers. He ground his hips down, loving the sound that caught in the back of Jackson’s throat, so full of pleasure and desire for more.And God, Jaebum wanted to give him more.He tugged, pulling the joggers down to Jackson’s ankles and dragging his briefs down his thighs. Jackson’s chest rose and fell in heavy breaths. Slowly, Jaebum dragged his eyes down to the swollen head of Jackson’s erection. He swallowed. They had all see each other naked — but never like this. Not until last night, and not again until now.Slowly he leaned forward and tentatively wrapped his fingers around Jackson. Too light of a touch to be satisfying. Jackson sucked in a hissing breath. Fascinated, Jaebum watched the way he leaned his head back into the pillow and shut his eyes only briefly, before they looked back at him, half-lidded.“Well?” Jackson breathed.Jaebum fought back a grin. Even in this kind of situation, Jackson still found a way to be endearingly cute.“And you think I’m impatient,” he muttered, tightening his grip.He stroked Jackson in a quick, steady rhythm. He didn’t have much experience with other men. Often, he still preferred the soft curves of women. But, there was a hyung once, who he had followed around blindly and who broke his heart when he had gotten what we wanted. Jaebum slowed as the memory resurfaced.He looked at Jackson, a sudden uncertainty weaving its way through him, making him wonder if the same thing might happen again. If he might get attached again and then left with broken pieces of his heart on shattered on the floor…A soft, gentle touch on his cheek brought him back and he saw Jackson looking at him in mild concern. “Are you ok?”Jaebum swallowed.“Yeah…” he breathed. “Sorry I just— got distracted.”A small smile curved on the corner of Jackson’s lips as he chuckled good naturedly. “You have your hand on my dick and you got distracted.”“Shut up.”He started moving again, dragging his hand up Jackson’s length. The low, pleasured moan at the back of his throat vibrated down Jaebum’s spine. He dipped his head down and kissed Jackson’s neck.Jackson was different.His lips moved to the collarbone left exposed by Jackson’s black tank-top. His hips jerked into Jaebum’s hand. He drew back reluctantly, just too look at him — his lips parted, eyes half-lidded and still looking at Jaebum, cheeks flushed pink…Jackson was always honest and open and kind. He wouldn’t hurt him.And anyway, he reminded himself, moving to kiss him again.He felt Jackson’s body tense against his just before his release coated his fingers. Felt the unsteady breaths and captured his soft curses in another open-mouthed kiss.This was just about sex, right? There was a part of Jaebum that had been worried — worried about ruining their friendship, worried about being caught, worried about getting attached in a way that would leave him hurting and broken again…But as the days and weeks went by, they had fallen into a rhythm. It was all so simple. So easy. There was no expectation of more. There was no awkwardness or tension between them. No secret glances or subtle touches. They still bantered and talked and bickered the same way they always had. Nothing changed. Except now Jaebum knew what it was like to have Jackson’s mouth hot and wet and stretched around him. He knew what Jackson’s fingers felt like tangled in his hair as his cock hit the back of Jaebum’s throat. He knew just where to kiss to draw out the quiet moans and breathless curses. He knew Jackson loved it when Jaebum nipped just on the inside of his hip and sucked on the sensitive skin. Knew all the subtle signs just before release…There was something comforting about the familiarity. The simplicity. The pure physical connection between them without the emotional complications that came with a romantic relationship.Until that night in Thailand... They were in Bangkok for some ad campaign again. While the others had split off for dinner or the gym or an early night’s sleep, Jaebum naturally gravitated to Jackson’s room. Taking advantage of them each having their own rooms was too tempting to ignore, and Jaebum hadn’t seen Jackson in weeks. The door opened and he was greeted with a devious grin before being pulled in.The door shut behind them as Jackson’s mouth found his. He felt impatient hands tugging at his shirt as they stumbled further into the room. Like always, Jackson’s kisses left him breathless and craving for more. He felt himself being drawn in by everything that Jackson could offer him. His lips, his soft, breathy giggles as they tumbled onto the bed, the taste of him on Jaebum’s tongue…He discarded his shirt and helped Jackson shed his before dropping down for another kiss. He wedged his thighs between Jackson’s legs and rolled his hips down, letting him know just how much he had missed this. Missed the way their bodies felt against each other, the way they reacted to one another…Just two weeks had passed but tasting Jackson again was like an addict being given an unlimited supply of his favorite vice…“Miss me?” Jackson chuckled as Jaebum’s hands worked at the buckle of his jeans.Jaebum answered with a deep, open mouthed kiss. He worked his hand beneath the waistband of Jackson’s jeans and dragged his palm over the clothed erection. Jackson moaned eagerly into his mouth and rolled his hips into Jaebum’s touch. His hands slid up Jaebum’s thighs and around until they found the swell of his ass. He jumped back with a surprised yelp.Chuckling, Jackson looked up at him with such a fond look in his eye, Jaebum wanted to melt back into him.“And you say you’re not cute,” he gave Jaebum’s ass another squeeze.Heat flared across his cheeks. “I’m not.”“You are.”Glaring, Jaebum gave him a painful squeeze.Jackson yelped and tried to buck him off.“You asshole!”Jaebum responded with an unremorseful chuckle, but rubbed his hand soothingly against the straining bulge trapped beneath Jackson’s briefs.“Don’t call me cute.”Smirking, Jackson dragged his finger along the seam of his jeans. “Convince me.”He shuddered against the light touch and moved his hips back against Jackson’s hand. He grinned when Jackson’s eyes widened.Dipping his head he breathed into Jackson’s ear. “We have all night Jackson-ah.”The low moan that dragged from Jackson’s throat was one of the sweetest sounds Jaebum would ever hear.He dragged Jackson’s jeans and briefs from his hips, transfixed by the pale, exposed skin. Tossing the jeans to the floor, he let his eyes roam up Jackson’s calves to the hard, chorded muscle of his thighs.Their moments together had always been driven by the need to get off as quickly and quietly as possible. Jaebum had never allowed himself to fully admire Jackson’s beauty. He had memorized each sigh and gasp and murmured curse that fell from his lips, but never had Jaebum allowed himself to simply look.His eyes continued upward and landed on Jackson’s arousal, hard and leaking against the defined muscle of his stomach. He bit back a moan at the memory of Jackson’s finger dragging against his entrance. It was with great effort he pulled his gaze away and continued, gaze moving up the hard, strong muscles of his stomach and chest. There was some satisfaction in the way Jackson’s cheeks burned red when their eyes met.Smirking, he dropped his gaze and kissed up Jackson’s legs, placing long, lingering kisses against his left calf, and another on the inside of his right knee. He dragged his tongue along the hard muscles of Jackson’s thigh, and grinned at each curse hissed above him. He loved this — taking his time, worshipping his favorite parts of Jackson. He could almost let himself pretend they were something more than what they were…The thought sent a small pang through his chest and he pushed it away, distracting himself with the soft skin at the juncture of Jackson’s hip instead. He sucked and nipped at the sensitive skin, pulling out a low growl above him.“How long are you going to take?”He grinned and looked up, his lips inches from Jackson’s leaking erection. Jaebum loved seeing him from this view — above him, chest heaving, looking down at him through half-lidded eyes.“How long do you think we have?” he teased.The glare he received only made him want to go slower. To drag it out until the sun broke over the horizon...He licked his lips before gazing back down, where Jackson was thick and swollen in front of him. He started with a teasing, kittenish lick, lapping up the salty pre-cum. Jackson let out another breathless curse.Grinning, Jaebum held him with a light grip at the base, and slowly took him into his mouth, sucking in the head and moving his mouth down until he felt Jackson hit the back of his throat. Another curse above him, and Jackson’s hands were buried his hair, tugging gently as Jaebum moved back up, before Jackson’s hands gently guided him back down again.He loved Jackson like this. Inside a part of him. Filling him up. Getting pleasure from every little movement of his mouth and hands…He glanced up again, their eyes locked on each other. Jaebum wanted to give him more. He wanted to feel more of Jackson inside him. Feel everything as their bodies moved together…He released Jackson with an indecent slurp, and moved up again, straddling Jackson’s waist and grinding his ass against his erection. Jackson’s eyes widened as Jaebum leaned down and kissed along his jaw, mouth open and slack as he found Jackson’s lips again.Jackson’s hands gripped his ass, pushing his hips forward and against his cock again. Jaebum gasped into his mouth as a finger trailed down the seam of his jeans and pressed lightly against his entrance. He canted his hips back with a soft whine, wishing the cloth wasn’t in the way.Jackson pulled away, eyes a bit wider than usual. “Jaebum—”Jaebum surged forward again, but Jackson pulled back again.“Wait—” he breathed just before Jaebum captured him in another kiss. He wrapped his arms around Jaebum’s waist and rolled them over. “Wait.”“Jackson—”Jackson cut him off with a quick kiss. “Just wait here for five seconds, okay?”Reluctantly, Jaebum let him go, watching as he stumbled towards his bag and began rummaging through it. A slow smile crept to his lips. Jackson really did have a nice ass…He dragged his eyes up again as Jackson turned back around. His grin widened.“Are you always so prepared?” he teased, eyeing the small bottle of lube and condom in Jackson’s hand. The sight of them made his heart leap into his throat. He swallowed around it.“Separate hotel rooms, weeks of having to take care of yourself while I’ve been in China...I did the math.”Snorting Jaebum sat up and reached for him, dragging him back down so Jackson could settle between his legs. Jackson cupped him through his jeans as Jaebum buried his hands in his hair and kissed him, licking deep into his mouth, searching for a closeness he hadn’t felt in a long time.He was still afraid of falling deeper, afraid Jackson might hurt him, afraid he might hurt Jackson. But every caress of Jackson’s hand against his skin, the care he took as he slowly tugged off his jeans and briefs, leaving him hard and naked beneath him, chased away the insecurities.His cheeks flared red with heat as Jackson’s eyes met his. Pupils blown with want and need that Jaebum was sure mirrored his own. There was also warmth. Affection. Care. Something Jaebum wasn’t used to seeing even in such intimate moments...“Are you sure?” His hand dipped down between Jaebum’s legs.He spread them wider as Jackson’s finger dragged lightly across his entrance. If it was Jackson…“Yeah,” he hissed back.He trusted Jackson with everything…“Just…” he swallowed. “It’s been a while…”The smile Jackson gave him was so soft, Jaebum wanted to melt into it. “I know.”That’s right.He had almost forgotten…Jackson had been the one Jaebum collapsed into the night he stumbled through the door, drunk, heartbroken, and lost. And without a word, he had pulled Jaebum into his arms and held him until the tears and the curses and the words of self-loathing had dried up. Jackson held him until he stopped hurting...He swallowed, feeling the first, cool press of Jackson’s finger inside him. Slow and unhurried and gentle...so unlike the quick, careless preparation he had become used to all those years ago…Jackson leaned down, slowly working his finger in, kissing him as he dragged it back out, then added a second. The stretch was uncomfortable but not unfamiliar. He tried to relax. Tried to move so Jackson’s fingers sunk deeper until it started to feel good again. Until the slow, steady movements and soft kisses to his jaw, grew into a need for something that could sink deeper and stretch him wider.“Jackson—” he panted against his lips, swollen and wet. “Fuck—” he groaned as Jackson spread his fingers inside him. It still wasn’t enough…Another gentle smile, and Jackson’s fingers were gone, leaving him feeling empty.“You still don’t think you’re cute?” he teased, sitting back and tearing open the condom packet.Jaebum glowered up at him as he rolled the condom on with a confident smirk. He hooked his leg around Jackson’s waist and flipped them over so he was once again straddling Jackson’s waist.“I told you—” he replied, wrapping his fingers around Jackson’s cock and lifting his hips. “I’m not cute.”He sunk down slowly, planting his hands on Jackson’s chest to keep himself steady. It was a lot more uncomfortable than he remembered. Swallowing, he lifted his hips again and inched back down. Jackson let him set the pace. The hands he had settled on Jaebum’s hips steadying rather than forcing him down.This must have been what he had never gotten to experience before. The patience. The gentle, careful movements that matched his own. Jaebum sunk into Jackson again, burying him deep. There it was...He lifted his hips again.The building pleasure…He rolled his hips down and felt Jackson inside him, thick and deep and brushing against that bundle of nerves each time he sunk down.Jackson’s grip tightened but still, he let Jaebum move slow and steady. Taking all of him before slowly lifting up again. He watched Jackson’s chest heave up and down in quick, breathless pants. His brown hair plastered to his face, arms strong and secure on his waist. He dug his nails into Jackson’s chest, his movements becoming more stilted. Quicker. Jackson met each quick thrust, his fingers digging into Jaebum’s waist.A string of curses left his lips just before Jaebum swallowed them down in a sloppy kiss. He clenched around Jackson, feeling the pressure and need for release building as he drove down into him.They broke apart, lips touching, breathing each other’s air. One of Jackson’s hands wrapped around him. They matched each other’s movements, Jaebum jerking into his hand each time he sunk back down. He felt Jackson release into him, his stomach clenching, his hands digging almost painfully into his hips as he thrust up and for the first time, used his grip to drive Jaebum down onto him.“Hyung…” Jackson panted, one hand tangling into his hair. “Come for me.”Pleasure shot through him. Jaebum spilled across his stomach and fingers, coating him in his release. His movements slowed as they came down from their climax Jackson slipped out of him, but Jaebum remained where he was, straddling his waist, and looking down at him. His heart thundered in his chest. He felt so sated. So full and right and complete.His lips found Jackson’s again. It was less of a kiss than it was a lazy, clumsy press of lips. Reluctantly, he let Jackson gently push him off so he could sit up. He rolled onto his back and watched Jackson remove the condom and tie it. He waded it up in a ball of tissues and tossed it into the trash.“Shy?” Jaebum chuckled, still watching him.Jackson snorted and tossed him one of the complimentary towels that at one point had probably been part of the elephant housekeeping always made on the end of their beds.“Do you want the housekeepers to see a used condom at the bottom of my trash?”Jaebum scrunched his nose. “Not really.”After wiping himself clean, Jaebum lay on his back, limbs feeling heavy and head becoming hazy. The long day was catching up with him and he felt his eyelids growing heavy. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he should dress and sleep in his own room. But he felt the bed dip next to him as Jackson carefully climbed in. He kept a respectful distance, as if despite everything, there were still some lines that couldn’t be crossed. Jaebum tried not to be the one to cross it even though he ached with the need to pull Jackson into him again. The solid feel of their bodies pressed together had been so grounding. So comforting. So much of something Jaebum thought he had with someone else but was finding with Jackson instead…He turned to his side, just allowing himself those few precious inches closer. He felt the blankets twitch as if Jackson had tensed or thought to move away. With a heavy sigh, he shifted, this time to pull the covers over Jaebum’s shoulders.“If you’re going to stay, at least cover up so you don’t catch a cold,” he muttered.Jaebum cracked his eyes opened and smiled. “I was going to leave soon.”Jackson snorted and laid back down, a little closer this time. “Sure you were.”Hours later, a thin beam of early morning light cut across the room. Jaebum blinked groggily and buried his face in the covers, hiding from the obtrusive orange light. It wasn’t until he heard the soft sound of Jackson's breath behind him did he remember where he was.Cursing softly, he turned on his other side and carefully opened his eyes again. Jackson’s face was inches from his, as if sometime during the night, he had shifted over to Jaebum’s side of the bed. He spent several moments simply looking at him. Jackson was so often “on” lately, Jaebum was beginning to wonder if he remembered how to turn “off.”He studied Jackson’s face, his eyes tracing along his sharp jawline and along his lips. He took in the way his lashes fanned across his cheeks, which were finally beginning to fill in again after months of unrelenting schedules, harsh diets, and unshakeable illness. The relaxed expression on Jackson’s face as he slept seemed so rare in recent months. It felt like a precious gift and only Jaebum was there to see it...Something seemed to slide into place in that moment. A realization. A feeling he had buried deep for years that suddenly became impossible to deny or rationalize away. It gripped painfully at his chest and forced his eyes away from Jackson. He buried his face into the pillow and took a deep breath, cursing the feeling, hoping it would disappear. When it wouldn’t, he turned his head and looked at Jackson again. Two, painfully beautiful brown eyes stared back at him.Whatever he saw written on Jaebum’s face made his brows draw together in concern. He reached out with one hand, but Jaebum jerked away. He sat up, trying to ignore the guilty ache in his chest when he saw Jackson’s hand drop. There was confusion and hurt in his eyes, but Jaebum ignored those too.“I have to…go,” he muttered, reaching for his briefs and pulling them on. He searched for his jeans and kept his back to Jackson has he stumbled towards his discarded shirt. “Before the others are up…”He could feel Jackson watching him.“Yeah…” Jackson’s quiet voice made him glance over his shoulder. “Sure…” the smile was forced — Jackson had flipped “on” again and it made Jaebum’s chest ache more. “See you at breakfast.”Nodding, Jaebum left without another word.Once he returned to his room, he sunk to his bed and buried his head in his hands. He gripped his hair painfully tight, but it did nothing to clear away the panic and fear beginning to course through him.“Fuck,” he breathed. “What have I done…”Falling in love with Jackson had never been part of the deal…. He didn’t return to Jackson’s room that night.There was some relief in knowing that they would be on separate flights from Thailand — Jackson to Beijing and Jaebum back to Seoul. At least he would have a few days to sort out whatever feelings he had…He spent the week busying himself with recording guides for songs he wanted to submit for their next album. More than once he collapsed onto the couch in their living room and fell asleep until their manager or Jinyoung shook him awake for a day of schedules. Without Jackson, their room felt empty. Cold. He hadn’t realized how much Jackson’s presence warmed it until now…When Jackson finally returned, Jaebum still found excuses to sleep in the living room. The warmth had returned, but it came with an ache in his chest. More than once Jackson shot him a concerned look between photoshoots or video recordings, but Jaebum always slid between Mark or Youngjae or else left with some other hurried excuse.He spent two weeks like that. Avoiding Jackson. Pretending the ache didn’t grow every time they caught each other’s eye in the practice room mirror or whenever he saw the look of disappointment whenever Jaebum came up with some other excuse to leave the apartment when Jackson was there.“Jaebum—” Jackson caught him just as he was leaving the recording studio. His and Youngjae’s sessions were over and Jackson was arriving with Mark for theirs. “Can we talk?”Jaebum glanced at Mark, who was watching him with that blank expression Jaebum could never decipher. He looked back at Jackson and tried to ignore the desperate need to reach out at touch some part of him.“I can’t—” he replied gruffly, sidestepping Jackson. “Besides, you’re late.”He didn’t look back as he hurried down the hall, but he could feel Jackson’s eyes burning into him.Jackson tried one more time to talk to him after that, but he managed to escape with another excuse. Finally, he gave up. They barely saw each other, even in the apartment, with Jackson either quickly retreating into their room or Jaebum spending as much time in his little basement studio.As another week passed, more than once, Jaebum thought he saw Mark frowning at him, but his gaze averted so quickly, he convinced himself he imagined it.After another busy day of photoshoots, interviews, meetings about a new variety show, and finally being shuttled off to practice choreography for their next album, by the time they arrived back to the apartment, Jaebum was too tired to remember he was avoiding Jackson and fell into bed instead of the couch. He fell asleep immediately, still dressed in the clothes he started his day in. The next morning, he woke to the achingly familiar sound of Jackson moving quietly around their room, gathering the last of his things before yet another flight to China. Jaebum lay still, pretending to be asleep as he listened to the quiet rustling. Minutes later, the door opened, then clicked shut as Jackson left.Sighing, he tried not to let the guilt and the loneliness consume him. He was such an idiot… A week later, Jackson trudged through their bedroom door, looking exhausted and half a step away from collapsing. Jaebum sat up, concern washing over him as he took in his haggard, pale face and drooping eyelids. Jackson dropped his bag on the floor and made his way to the bed, feet dragging. He didn’t even glance at Jaebum.All week, Jaebum had been trying to will away the ache in his chest, but it only grew each time. Wordlessly, he reached out and grabbed Jackson’s wrist before he could talk himself out of it. Too tired to argue, Jackson let him tug him gently down to his bed until they laid spooned together with Jaebum’s arms wrapped securely around Jackson’s waist.He swallowed, acutely aware of the way his heart thumped rapidly against his chest. They had never really done this. Before, there had been brief moments when they would lay together, catching their breath and languishing in their own releases, but it had never been this...intimate. Jaebum had never simply held Jackson as if they were together in deeper ways than simply finding release in each other’s bodies…Jackson’s body lifted as he took a long, deep sigh.“I missed you,” he muttered.Jaebum’s heart leapt to his throat and he held Jackson tighter.“Me too,” he murmured back.Moments later, Jackson fell asleep. The next morning was...complicated.Jaebum had woken up with Jackson in his arms, his face inches away. It reminded him so much of that morning in Thailand. His eyes traced over every line and red blemish and bit of stubble on Jackson’s pale skin. He looked thinner than Jaebum remembered. The dark circles under his eyes seemed more prominent too. Worry gnawed at him, knowing they had another week of full schedules ahead of them before Jackson jetted back to China…When his eyes lifted from where they had been roaming across Jackson’s lips, reminding Jaebum of how they felt against his skin just weeks ago, he saw Jackson staring back at him, dark eyes still glazed with sleep, but still watching Jaebum as if waiting…Swallowing, his gaze fell back to Jackson’s lips. How badly he wanted to have them pressed against his own again. The ache inside his chest became almost unbearable…Before he could decide what to do, two sharp knocks on their door gave him just enough warning before it opened. Mark stood in the entrance, eyebrow raised as Jaebum flung himself away from Jackson (for all the good it would do, he simply ended up stuck to the wall).“Manager says we’re late,” he said, watching Jackson roll out of bed and onto the floor.His eyes moved to Jaebum, who felt like crawling under his covers under the expressionless gaze. He couldn’t tell if Mark was judging him or surprised or if he even cared that he just saw Jaebum and Jackson in bed together. And somehow that just made the situation even more embarrassing…“Right…” Jaebum mumbled, not looking at him. He felt his cheeks burning as he rummaged around his bed, pretending to look for something. “We’ll— I’ll— uh...yeah we’ll hurry…”Mark’s eyebrow arched higher in response before he turned and left, closing the door behind him.Jackson spared him a single glance before he stood. They dressed in silence. Jaebum stole quick, worried glances whenever he thought Jackson wasn't looking. As they left, he fought back the urge to grab him and pull him back into bed. How badly he wished they could have just stayed wrapped up in each other for the day... That night, a bottle of beer slammed down on the coffee table in front of him, startling him from his mindless scrolling through his phone. Mark threw himself down on the couch next to him, sipping his own beer.“No one is here so you're going to tell me what's been going on.”Jaebum sat up a bit straighter. “What?”Mark's eyes narrowed. It was rare for him to confront any of them so directly. He usually let them go to him first. Whatever it was — Jaebum had a dreadful guess — had been on Mark's mind long enough that he couldn't keep it in any longer. Which meant Jaebum was probably going to need more than one beer to get through this.“How long have you and Jackson been together?” he asked bluntly.Jaebum winced, as if the words physically stung.“How did—” he cut himself off with a sigh when Mark raised an eyebrow at him. “Jackson told you.”“He didn't have to, but yeah.”“We're not...” his weak denial died from his lips when Mark’s eyebrow arched higher. His shoulders fell and he felt himself physically deflate.He reached for the beer and took a large gulp. Too bad it wasn't something stronger, he thought morosely.“It’s not like that,” he muttered, unable to meet Mark's gaze.“But you want it to be.”His heart jolted and heat flared across his cheeks. Mark had said it so matter-of-factly.“It's not like that between us,” he repeated, miserable.Mark replied with a sigh, “It's none of my business but maybe you should think about changing that.”“You know we can't.”“Right,” Mark rolled his eyes. “Because clearly fucking is far less risky than an actual relationship.”Jaebum stared at the drink in his hands. The way Mark said it made it sound so simple. He had destroyed Jaebum's false excuse with a single sentence.After a long pause, Mark spoke again, his tone softer than before. “It's not just that, is it?”Jaebum bit his lip. There is was. Sometimes he forgot how intuitive Mark could be…“You know Jackson isn't that asshole, right?”Jaebum sighed. “Yeah, I know…”Mark took a sip of his beer and set it on the table, as if knowing Jaebum would need it more than him.“Then stop running away from him.”As if on cue, Jackson walked through the door.Jaebum really wasn't ready for this…He took a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh. Avoiding Jackson forever wasn't an option. Not when they lived and worked together…The only indication Jackson gave Jaebum that he had seen him was a small glance as he passed the living room. Mark tossed a significant look over his shoulder, as if saying, ‘Don't fuck up,’ before he disappeared down the hall to his own room.Jackson made to follow, but Jaebum managed to find his voice before he could.“Want a beer?”He watched Jackson's shoulders tense, as if readying himself for a fight. It made Jaebum's chest ache. Even after actual fights, Jackson had never seemed so hesitant to be alone with him…“Please?” he added quietly.That seemed to do it. Jackson turned to look at him, expression unreadable. They stared at each other, the air so thick Jaebum felt as if he would choke on it. Finally, Jackson broke his gaze and approached, his movements still careful, as if he was afraid Jaebum might suddenly attack. The ache grew.“Cheers,” he muttered once Jackson sat and picked up Mark's discarded beer.They tapped their bottles together and he tried not to think about how much distance Jackson put between them.After several long minutes of silence, Jaebum finally spoke.“You told Mark...about...what we were doing…” he almost said ‘us’ but something about that word seemed too much of what he wanted and what they didn't have.He watched Jackson lick nervously at his lips from the corner of his eye.“I—” he stopped his excuse. “Yeah.”Swallowing, Jaebum tried to find the words that so desperately wanted to escape. Jackson spoke instead.“Are you mad?”He sighed and placed his bottle on the table before leaning back. “No.”They fell into silence again.
“Hyung…”
Jackson's voice made Jaebum turn to look at him. He was staring at his hands, which were still clasped around his beer.“Did I do something?”Jaebum felt a lump stick in his throat. Of course, he thought. Of course Jackson would wonder if Jaebum's behavior had been his fault. Of course he would blame himself before Jaebum…“No…”Jackson finally turned. Their eyes met and Jaebum felt the feeble walls he had desperately tried to build around himself for weeks, crumble.God…Why was this so hard…Jackson had always been so easy to talk to. A person Jaebum knew he could confide in, fight with, and break down in front of without fear of judgement. And now, the words wouldn't come. Fear of jumping head first into a risk that could one day rip Jackson from his life kept the words locked tight in his throat. He felt like he could choke on them.Stop running away from him.Mark's words echoed in his ears.He reached forward, his fingers threading through the hair at the back of Jackson's neck. When Jackson drew back in confusion, Jaebum leaned forward and gently pulled him closer until he could feel Jackson's breath against his lips.“Just...hold still...for a second.”They had kissed so many times Jaebum could never count. He had felt what it was like to have Jackson inside him and had run his hands over each dip and angle of his body, but none of those moments had felt like he had been baring the rawest piece of himself. The piece that loved every breath and laugh that came from Jackson's lips. It was the piece that would end the world for him if he asked…“What was that for?” Jackson chuckled when they parted.“I'm sorry,” he breathed. “For avoiding you…”Jackson sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and dropped his gaze. Jaebum's heart lurched painfully again.“I was scared,” he rubbed his thumb in slow strokes against the back of Jackson's neck. A gesture that was probably more to comfort himself than Jackson.Jackson's eyes snapped up again. “You know I wouldn't hurt you—”Jaebum leaned forward and kissed him again. “I know…” he sighed and released Jackson so he could drop against the back of the couch. He tilted his head and stared at the ceiling.“So?” Jackson settled next to him, setting his beer on the table and sitting so their thighs were pressed against each other.Jaebum felt a small smile tug on the corner of his lips. He had nearly forgotten how comforting Jackson's presence was...“What now?”Jaebum chuckled and turned his head to look at Jackson. His smile fell as they stared at each other.“I love you, Jackson…” the words he had kept trapped for months finally escaped. He had run from the reality of them for years…“I don't want to just…” he trailed off and looked away again. “I want it to be more than just sex.”There was a long silence. Jaebum could feel Jackson's eyes on him, but he couldn't bring himself to look back.Finally, Jackson snorted back a soft laugh.“Idiot,” he muttered. “Why didn't you say that before?”Jaebum turned to look at him again but Jackson had reached forward and pulled him into a kiss. Jaebum responded eagerly, surging forward until Jackson's back hit the couch. He parted his thighs to allow Jaebum to press closer, their tongues tangling and licking into each other's mouths. Jackson's hands buried and twisted into his hair and tugged. Jaebum moaned into his mouth.He had missed this. Missed Jackson. Missed the taste and feel of him…“FUCK!” Bambam's shriek broke them apart so violently, Jaebum fell off the couch, only narrowly missing concussing himself on the coffee table.“Can you at least do that in your room?!” he had his eyes covered as if he had walked in on something more indecent than simply kissing.Face burning red, Jaebum did his best to fix Bambam with his scariest glare. “Go to your room then!”Bambam lowered his hands and looked as if he wanted to argue, but to Jaebum's great satisfaction, he snapped his mouth shut. He turned to leave, whining loudly as he stormed down the hall that he didn't want to have to burn the couch and that he didn't have a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…Jackson chuckled from above him and shot Jaebum a devious grin. “Should we give him a reason to burn the couch?”Heat raised to Jaebum's face again and he buried his head in his hands with an embarrassed moan. Now that Bambam knew, Yugyeom almost certainly did...Bambam was probably texting him now.A gentle hand carded through his hair, making him look up. Jackson smiled down at him before he leaned down and kissed him softly.“I love you too, hyung.”