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Something flashes thru my memory as I stand there staring at the closed door.
“You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole in the back of the neck. You’d just washed your hair and you smelled like some sort of flower. I was running late for surgery, you put my hand on my chest, and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick, kinda like a habit. You know, like we’d do it everyday for the rest of our lives.”
So much has changed since that memory, almost 20 years ago.I have an almost 2 yr old Ellis on my hip. I’m wearing an Iowa State College shirt that’s 3 sizes too big for me and sleep shorts that are almost completely covered from the shirt. I don’t have to be at work until 9 am today, so it’s my day to get the kids to school, and then I’ll drop the baby at the daycare. The nanny will pick her up before she picks the other kids up from school. My hair is only towel dry, as usual, and I still use the same lavender essential oil in my conditioner. He is running late. I feel like we’re always running late in the morning, but he prefers to make sure the kids eat a big breakfast and he’s the only one who can do that reliably without burning anything. There’s a plate of eggs with steam coming off of them and a plate of toast next to that.“Zola, Bailey, get down here and eat.” He yells in the direction of the upstairs.He puts his hand on my shoulder and leans down to kiss me. Then he kisses the baby, tells me “I’ll see you at work. Tell the kids I love them.” And he’s gone.I stand there staring at the spot where Alex disappeared out the door with my fingers on my lips until Maggie comes shuffling down the stairs asking for coffee.“Did Alex already leave? I wanted to wish him luck on his transplant before he left. I know he’s worried about it.”Alex kissed me. Soft. Quick, kinda like a habit. You know, like we’d do it everyday for the rest of our lives. ALEX KISSED ME. A decade ago just the thought of Alex kissing me would have made me laugh my face off. Now, it feels like a habit. Like something we’ll do for everyday for the rest of our lives.“Mer, are you ok?” Maggie looks at me inquiringly. I give myself a little shake and turn towards the kitchen where the kids are tumbling into their seats.“Yea, I really think I am.”
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I hate this type of surgery. It was an MVC involving a 12 yr old boy. Blunt Force trauma with damage to almost every abdominal organ he possesses. When I was younger, I craved this type of operation. It’s a surgeons dream; long, intense and the chance to use multiple different techniques. Now that I’m older, every time I see a kid on the table like this I flash to my kids. Or Mer’s kids. Whatever. I think of the kids, and I cringe. It doesn’t do well to dwell on it though. If I gave into every fear that crossed my mind about what could happen to the kids in the real world, we’d never let them out of the house. And then I think of all the poison damage from household items I’ve helped repair, and that’s not really safe either.I’m in with Kepner, since it’s a trauma case, and Robbins, since she’s bored. She saw us in the hallway wheeling him up and said that she’d give us a hand. “I like to keep my skills on tiny humans fresh” or whatever bullshit she spewed. But her department falls under my department, and I know for a fact that she hasn’t had any fetal surgeries in almost a week. Which means like most normal surgeons, she’s itching to cut. We could have been walking by with a grandma and she’d probably still have jumped in.I’m not paying much attention to what the girls are talking about, but something they say catches my attention.“That was me.” It’s the first time I’ve spoken in a while without being prompted, and they stop their chit chat to look at me.“What was you Karev? Did you do something?”Kepner starts examining the surgical field looking for what I may have messed up. Of course she does. I am the screw up after all. But not in the operating room. I give her my most exasperated scoff and answer her.“No, of course not! Ellis’s hair this morning. You were talking about how cute she looked when you dropped off Hattie this morning right? III braided her hair, not Mer. Actually, if the kids are still awake when I get home I always try to braid it before bed. It helps with the tangles ya know. She slept so solidly last night though and we were running late this morning, as usual, so we kept the braids in.”“You can braid hair Alex?” Asks Kepner.I ignore my immediate irritation and embarrassment and answer her question. “I learned when I was a kid so that I could braid my sister’s hair. Remember I had crazy parents? Don’t look at me like that. Someone had to do it! Now with the help of YouTube and 10 years of surgical training, I can do some pretty cool stuff. Zola’s hair is so thick and Ellis’s hair is so fine it took some practice to be able to do both well.” I feel a little pride in this to be honest, though I’d never admit it out loud. Shepherd could barely put Zola’s hair into a pony tail. I snuck into the daycare even way back then to do her hair sometimes when it was Derek’s day to get her ready.Kepner is staring at me like she’s never seen me before and I can see Arizona’s smile even thru her mask.“Harriet’s hair has that course texture too, with Jackson’s beautiful curls. I haven’t tried to braid it yet. I was afraid of hurting her head.”“Nah. Most babies have a strong pain tolerance, and the earlier you practice on her the quicker she’ll get used to it.”“Could you show me tonight?”Tonight’s one of the few nights the whole house gets off at a decent hour, barring any emergencies.“Sure. Nanny probably already has the kids, but Mer and the sisters both had the early shift today. Do you want to bring Hattie and Jackson over for dinner? Zola loves to play tester for new designs.”“Look at You Alex, Mr. Domestic.” and “Are you sure Meredith won’t mind us all coming over with such short notice” and “Just out of curiosity, do Maggie and Amelia know that you refer to them as ‘The Sisters’?”Kepner and Robbins start talking over each other, Kepner with her usual hesitancy laced with the need to please, and Robbins is just trying to get a rise out of me.“Shut it Robbins.” Her laugh makes me smile, but I make sure to keep my scowl on top of it. “And as for Mer? You know she runs a home for wayward surgeons. I was going to tell Arizona that she should come with us but since she’s being a dick she can entertain herself tonight. Hey, someone grab my phone. In the messages, click on the group labeled home. Send a message out that the group is coming over for dinner. I’ll bring the pizza and beer”“And I’ll bring the wine” chirps up Arizona.“We’ll grab the beer Alex. Jacksons been wanting you to try this new one he found anyways. I’ll swing by the house and pick up Harriet’s hair supplies. Better grab a change of clothes too just in case. Early nights eating pizza with the kids have a tendency to turn into late nights drinking on the couch.”And just like that we have a pizza party and hair braiding session scheduled, and I find that I couldn’t be more content in my life.
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“Alex, can we talk?”He stopped in his tracks and turned to the voice behind him. Jo was as beautiful as always, even if she did look a little stressed.I really don’t want to do this now. I’m finally back at work and I was able to hash things out with Deluca. I may not ever be invited to his wedding, but at least we’re cool at work. I’m in a good place, and a conversation with Jo has a high probability of fucking all that up.Seeing her standing there, I know I lucked out that I avoided this as long as I have. I let out a deep sigh and try to push all the irritation away from me as I answer. “Sure. Of Course. What’s up Wilson?” Her face falls at my use of her surname, but I need to do it that way. We’ve barely spoken since that night except for when forced to at work. Putting her firmly back into the student category and nothing else is what’s best for both of us.“Alex” she says, and she sounds so forlorn. After looking around our environment she asks. “Can we go somewhere more private? Maybe we can meet at home tonight?”At home? Surely she can’t be talking about the loft?“Come on. Let’s go to the attending lounge. It should be quiet there.”I turn to walk in that direction, taking my phone out and sending Shepherd a message. She’s the only one that I trust that I know for sure isn’t in surgery or dealing with a patient right now. Alex: Wilson wants to chat. Taking her to the attending’s lounge. If you don’t hear from me in 15 come and rescue me.Amelia: Ooooh, sounds naughty. Ok, but tell me the deets tonight. Shaking my head at Amelia’s need for drama I put my phone back into my pocket. Doesn’t she have enough drama of her own?When we enter the room, we’re alone like I thought we’d be. “Coffee?” I ask her, pouring her a cup and doctoring it the way she likes it before she really has a chance to answer. I hand it to her then sit on one of the chairs, even though there’s plenty of room on the couch next to her.We sit there for a few long seconds. I didn’t ask for this, so I’m certainly not going to talk first. I’m trying to hide my irritation that she’s taking so long to get started, but I can wait her out. I owe her that much at least.“I never got the chance to thank you. For what you did for me.”I give her a confused look. Last time I checked I beat the guy on top of her so hard she had blood splatter on her shirt. She must see the confusion on my face.“When you went to the DA to take the plea. I know it was so that I wouldn’t have to testify. You didn’t have to do that for me. Thank you.”Oh. Well I may be an asshole, but I’m not that big of an asshole. I’d like to think anyone with any decency would do that. Mer was pissed, but she got over it.“Of course. It was the only right thing to do. I wasn’t going to knowingly put you in danger, even if we aren’t together anymore.”“The thought of you doing that, willingly going to jail to protect me; it made me sick. Like violently ill.”I already knew that. Robbins told me a few days later when everything had settled down that when they found out they had to pull over so that Jo could throw up. I was touched, I guess. But I don’t know if she felt that way from love or guilt or any combination thereof. I just want to put all of this behind me.“It was the right thing to do. I did it, I was ready to face the consequences. I just lucked out that Deluca is a better man than I am.”“That’s not true. You are a good man Alex. I want you” she trails off there, like she’s trying to gather her courage. “I want you to come home Alex.”And there it is. I knew this was coming from the moment she opened her mouth in the hallway. Come home. But that loft in the thuggy part of town isn’t home is it? I don’t think it ever was. I’ve been at the house just as much if not more since we bought the loft. And we were never going to have a home. It doesn’t matter if we could never had gotten married. Look at Shepherd and Meredith. But I hate lying. I may be an ass, but I’m an honest ass. And we never would have had the life I wanted with that dangling over our heads our entire lives.“Look Jo, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do that. Too much has happened.”“We can get past this though. You know everything now.”“Yea NOW I do. After it’s almost ruined how many lives? The time to tell me everything would have been the first time I proposed. Or maybe the second time? Or any time after I made it clear that I loved you and intended to spend the rest of my life with you Jo. But no, once again the person I choose to love screws me over.”“I” I put my hand up to stop her.“No, I’m not mad. Not really. You did what you thought you had to do. But now I’m doing what I have to do. I can’t move back in with you and I can’t try to pick up right where I left off. I have to make smarter choices now.”The silence eats at us for a minute, but I can see that she still has more to say.“Are you going to get your own place then?”That catches me off guard, but I guess it shouldn’t have. Maybe she just really thought that I could forget the last few months and come on back like nothing had happened.“No. I hadn’t planned on it. If you’re worried about my half of the mortgage, I can buy you out. I’d already made arrangements to have Mer do it for me before I went to the DA that night. Or if you don’t want to live there either you can sell it. I’m ok with either. You don’t have to make up your mind right away. I’ll keep paying my half of the payments.”“So you’re staying at Meredith’s house. Like permanently.” I shrug and take a sip of my coffee.“Well yea. Amelia is only there part time now, and Maggie is getting pretty serious with that anesthesiologist. Who knows how much longer she’ll be at the house. The kids are used to me being there now, and it’s certainly easier on Mer. It takes a village and all that.” I don’t know why I felt the need to justify myself to her. She really doesn’t need to know the inner workings of our car line arrangements.“It’s always Meredith.”And that sets me off. I’m so tired of this. I can’t keep having this same fight again and again. One more reason why we can’t get back together.“You’re damn right it’s always Meredith. Her and those kids, they are my family. SHE is my family. When family calls you and tells you they murdered someone, they don’t call the cops on you Jo. And they don’t run the other direction afraid of what trouble it may bring down on themselves. They ping your gps location and show up with a shovel and a flash flight. Mer’s been helping me dig my way in and out of trouble for most of my adult life. Every time I mess up and the person who claims to love me disappears, Mer’s always there with a bottle of tequila and a place to put me. I’ll stay there forever if she lets me. It is my home.” I emphasize the last sentence and it hits me as I say it. I would stay with her forever if she lets me. Somewhere over the course of the months and years previous, Meredith Grey has become my home. Not just the house, but her. I guess Jo had a reason to be concerned after all. Well Fuck.I take a deep breath and try to calm my emotions.“You were scared, and I get that. I understand that. Hell, it makes a lot of sense. I do stupid shit sometimes and you were afraid of the stupid shit I would do. But you should have known that I would never hurt you. And you definitely should have known that I would protect you. From anyone and anything. I will still protect you. You should have told me about Paul. You know all of my crap. You should have trusted me with yours.”And that’s it. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. If she’d just been honest with me, none of this would have happened. And I’m still not saying that if I ever run across her husband I won’t damage him. But I can’t lay next to a woman every night that doesn’t trust me. At long last, I’ve realize that I deserve better than that.“Jo” I say soft and quietly. “I’ll keep your secrets. I’ll protect you when and if you need it. If he ever has the audacity to show up on your doorstep, I’ll kill the bastard with my bare hands. You’re going to be a hell of a surgeon, and it will be my pleasure to teach you, but I don’t love you the way you need me to anymore.”Without saying a word she gets up and storms out. I rub both of my hands over my face and hair as Amelia comes sauntering in and plops down onto the spot that Wilson just vacated.“Damn” Amelia says with a look of almost awe on her face. “That was brutal.”“Let me guess, you ran here the minute you sent your text?”“I didn’t run, I power walked. And I started way before I hit the reply button. I think I caught it all, but we should recap in case I missed anything.”“Shut up.”She pulls her phone out a fiddles with it for a minute before dropping it back into her coat pocket.“Let me guess, sending out a mass text to share in my humiliation?”“Your humiliation? You were a badass Karev. You know I’m a big proponent of living your truth. Can’t stay sober without it. No. I was sending Owen a text to tell him that I was staying over at Meredith’s house tonight cause Alex needs to drink!”I let out a breath in a huff and stretch down in the chair until my head is leaning against the back.“This sucks.”“Yup. So, do you want to talk about what’s going on between you and my sister?”And on that note, I think it’s time to fake a page.
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Laying in bed, I say whatever comes to me. I think we’re way past the point of trying to hedge our thoughts. And that thought makes me so incredibly happy.“I always thought you thought of us as like a Mer and Alex thing.” The rubbing on my back stops momentarily and I see him turn to look at me.“That’s ridiculous April. No friendship alive is an Alex and Mer thing except Alex and Mer.” They are exceptionally close. Uncomfortably close. Derek once said that it was cheaper to have Alex and Jo build their house on his and Mer’s property then the cost of gas for Alex and Meredith to go back and forth between each other. It’s well known they hang out in the bathroom when one is in the shower or bath and are always climbing into the others bed when their spouses are stuck at the hospital. Meredith claims she can’t sleep alone anymore. Karev says that he only does it for Mer, but Jo says that’s bullshit. I think her exact quote was that Mer’s made Alex a cuddle whore. I know for a fact that when Mer and Jo had to go to that conference last year Alex spent the whole week sleeping with either Bailey or Ellis.“Do you remember when Grey was pregnant with Ellis, and Shepherd walked into the on-call room to find Karev and Grey cuddling?”The memory makes me laugh out loud. “How could I forget? He took a picture and sent it all over the hospital.”Derek opened the on-call room looking for his wife only to find her spooned up against her best friend. She and Alex were both sound asleep, only Alex had both of his arms stretched out around her with one under her tank top so that he could feel the baby move. Instead of losing his mind because his wife was wrapped in the arms of another man, he took a picture of it and sent a mass message out so that we could take it out of Karev on how soft he’s become. And boy did we. For weeks afterwards we kept asking him if he wanted to rub our bellies and replacing his blue scrubs with the pink scrubs from the gyny squad. The more the women tried to stand up for him and say it was sweet, the worse the harassment became. I thought he was going to punch someone before it finally died down. Alex even delivered Ellis for goodness sake. He likes to say that the only one he didn't have a hand in bringing into their family was Bailey, but even then he did all the newborn testing.“April, when you saw that picture, what did you think?”“I thought they looked adorable. And I thought that Jo and Alex better get on the baby making stat. Obviously, it isn’t only women that get baby fever.”“True on all counts. Now what would people say if they saw us like that, even if you were already married and pregnant with his child?”“They would have assumed we were having an affair. Hell, they’d probably think the baby was yours. If it was Matthew that walked in, he probably would have killed you and asked for forgiveness later.”“Exactly. Derek went and found Jo so that she could see it up close. We are NOT Mer and Karev.”“Well, since I am currently naked in your bed, I guess I can agree with that.”“To be fair, I bet there’s been a fair share of nakedness between the twisted twosome. After all, they lived together off and on for the better part of a decade plus. I just doubt there was mind blowing sex happening as well. Remind me to ask Karev about that next time I see him. Watching his eye balls pop out would be worth the potential punch.”
Jackson is right. As perverse as it may seem from the outside some times, there are none others like Alex and Meredith. They're worse even than she and Cristina used to be. Derek may be Mer's husband, but Alex is certainly her soul mate.
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One of the only good things to come out of Alex’s father showing up last year is that I learned that Alex knows how to play the guitar. I tried to get him to talk to me about it, but he gruffly blew me off like he does with most of the information about his childhood. He claimed it was just more useless junk that his father had saddled him with. But every once in a while when an older song came on his playlist I could see his fingers moving in what suspiciously looked like chords.Finally after talking to Deluca, and don’t I know the irony in that, I went to a local music shop and bought him an electric guitar. It’s a Fender, which I was given to understand is a good brand. I didn’t say anything to him about it. No use bringing on confrontation before I need to. I bought it when he was at work and left it on his bed with the amp and accessories on the floor next to it. By the time he got home that night the kids were already asleep and I was already in bed.I hear the quiet plop of his keys and bag hitting the table and his walk thru the house downstairs, then the quick tread of his feet on the stairs. I didn’t realize I was going to be so nervous, but his reactions can sometimes be extreme when he’s upset. My heart is thudding and there’s a small spurt of adrenalin kicking through my system. There isn’t any yelling when I hear him enter his room, so I take that as a good sign and go back to pretending to read my book. A few minutes later he comes back out again, and it makes my heart melts as he goes from kid room to kid room, checking on them and from the sounds of the baby monitor tucking Ellis back in before he comes into my room. Still without saying anything, he walks over to my side of the bed and places a kiss firmly on my forehead. Then he climbs over me like he’s 4 instead of 40 and settles onto his side of the bed. I momentarily wonder when my bed gained a ‘his’ side of the bed, but shrug it off. That’s just the side someone takes when they climb in with me, since this is my side. It’s not his side per say.I can’t deny that he looks good lying there like that. He’s in loose lounge pants that are tight on his hips and low enough that the top band of his boxer briefs are showing and muscle shirt from a pack I think I bought him. Is that weird? I know there’s got to be a rule out there that says its okay to buy clothes for your male best friend as long as said best friend lives with you. His hands are behind his head and his legs are crossed at the ankles and he looks more than just good. He put a lot of his frustrations and extra cutting energy into working out when he was on probation, and it still shows. His face is more scruffy than normal, just this side shy of having a beard, and I like it. I don’t even want to think about what Cristina would say if she saw me checking Alex out like this. I really gotta get laid. I shake my head to try to get these most inappropriate thoughts out of my head.“It’s late. Are you hungry?“Mer, are you actually offering to cook for me?” He looks at me with a twinkle in his eye and it’s so good to have this part of him back. With everything that’s happened the past year, I was afraid that twinkle was gone forever.“Well, no. But I can warm something up well enough, or make you a sandwich if you want it?”“Ha. Well, thanks anyways, but I’m ok. This was a tough one, and I don’t think I want to eat yet. I’ll wait for waffles tomorrow.”“Do you want to talk about it?”“Nope.” He follows that up with a huge yawn, and I go back to my book for real this time. Only I can’t concentrate. Because within minutes Alex’s breathing has started to deepen and even out and he’s seconds from being asleep.I lean in close to his and whisper, “Alex, get up.”“Uggghh, I don’t wanna!” He grumbles half asleep. I give him a shove and he starts grumbling even harder, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and standing up. As quick as I can I reach over and grab the blankets and pull them down to the bottom then reach over and grab him by the back of the pants before he gets too far away. “Hey!” The strangled cry he makes as he jerks backwards is hilarious. Once he’s on the bed again he looks at me like I’ve lost my mind.“What the hell Mer?!?” I pull the covers back up to tuck him in, kiss him on the forehead like he did to me, then lean back onto my side and turn the light off.“I’m sorry I woke you, I just didn’t want you to get cold. Go back to sleep.” I can still hear him bitching under his breath, but it gets softer, then non-existent, and then within minutes I’m listening to the deep even breaths of Alex sound asleep next to me once again. Surprisingly, I see the guitar in action the very next day.Breakfast was the same organized chaos that it normally is. Though in reality it’s more like brunch today. Apparently Jackson and April had made plans with Maggie and Alex to come for waffles after church, and I’d told Amelia that she and Owen should bring Leo. So our annual breakfast of 6 turned into a brunch of 12. The kids love it when Leo and Harriet come over. Ellis loves being around children smaller than herself, and Zozo always ends up asking when we’re going to have another baby. I usually just smile and say something soothing, but in my head I think it’s hard to have a baby without a daddy. I’m sad that they’ll never have that again, but proud of how well they’ve all adjusted to our unexpected reality. Today though Alex tells her that we’ll see what we can do. Like it’s an actual possibility. Maybe he’s ready to move on from Jo? I ignore the immediate panic and heart break that causes me. Of course he’s going to want to start dating again soon. And that means he’s going to want to move out again soon. It’s not like a mind it at all. He’s not mine obviously. I’ve just gotten so used to having him here. The kids will be upset when he moves out, that’s all. Just because he sleeps in my bed most nights, doesn’t mean he’s mine.After brunch we kick all the kids outside to give the adults some peace, and Alex comes downstairs with his guitar strap across his chest and amp in tow.Jackson’s eyes immediately light up at the sight of it. “Hey man! I didn’t know you had a guitar.”Alex locks eyes with me while he tells Jackson “it’s a recent addition.” All the women in the room pick up on our silent communication, and turn to look at me. All I can do is shrug. I follow the conversation between the guys, remembering that Own can play too. He’s already talking about bringing his acoustic over next time they come as Alex starts tuning his Fender. I try to blend into the back ground with my hands around my coffee mug and just enjoy the sight.The amp is loud at first, and he reaches over to turn the volume down to a more manageable level.I’m more excited to see him play than I think is healthy to admit. I have little butterflies in my stomach and my coffee cup is soothing to my hands that itch for something to do. Before Derek, I always had a thing for the bad boy, and Alex with an electric guitar strapped to his chest is the ultimate bad boy look. I have remember to take a video to send it to Cristina.He’s rough at first, but his confidence is building with every strum of his fingers. He picks out the lines from Sweet Home Alabama and I love Rock and Roll. Smells like Teen Spirit, Smoke on the Water and what I think is Johnny B Good. The kids have long since come in from outside, drawn in by the music and the excited noises of the adults, and are dancing and yelling around him. They keep yelling out requests, but I get the feeling his repertoire stops sometime around the 90’s. Next thing I know he’s blasting out AC/DC’s All Night Long and the whole house has busted into song. Jackson leaves the room and comes back in with 2 kitchen spoons and is using the end table as a drum set. Own is pretending to strum against Leo’s belly. And all we’re missing is the tequila, but somehow this is even better with the kids and minus the booze. It’s been a week since the unexpected dance party at our house last weekend. It’s Friday night, and I once again find myself in my living room watching Alex play in front of a group of people.Tonight’s party wasn’t planned, it just sort of happened. Zozo and Ellis are both at Arizona’s house for a sleepover with Sophia, and Bailey is with a boy from school. When we realized we were going to be kid free for a night, word started spreading thru the hospital like we were teenagers and our parents were going out of town. April came up to tell me Hattie was going to Catherine’s house and they were in. Amelia quickly followed with news that they had a sitter for Leo and that Owen was bringing his guitar too. My head was spinning when Warren told me in the ambulance bay that He and Bailey were in too and what do they need to bring? I felt like I was flashing back to our intern year when Izzie threw that massive party that she didn’t even go to! By the end of the day, Arizona came into the gallery to ask me thru the speaker if it was ok if she had Beth come over tonight to sit with the girls so that she could come over too.“I heard about last weekend. It sounded like it was a blast. I want to come to the party too! And it seems only fair since the only reason you can have a party is because the girls are going to be at my house.”“I don’t even know how this party happened!”“Well I heard about it from Maggie’s anesthesiologist.”“Who’s all coming” I ask her“Ummm, everybody? Come on Mer! We need this!” Arizona sounds both needy and petulant, and I know there’s no point in trying to stop this ball rolling. It’s already gotten too far to control.“Fine! But ask Beth if she’ll spend the night if we pay extra. I’ll split it with you. And bring more tequila!” And now here I am. The party went wild for a while. Cars parked on the street in both directions, ubers forming a line outside. We had everyone here from scrub nurses to day care attendants. We’re lucky the neighbors are fairly used to our craziness and didn’t call the police. Alex and I facetimed with Cristina and had a 30 second dance party while she was in surgery. I’m sure her employee’s in Switzerland think we’re all freaks.But now it’s just the core group again. Our own little family. And I am completely and incredibly drunk. Bailey and Warren disappeared almost an hour ago. I can only hope that they took a Lyft home and aren’t doing it on one of the kid’s beds. Jackson and April are slow dancing in the kitchen even though there isn’t any slow dancing music on, and Amelia, as one of the only sober ones here, is watching Owen strum away in the corner, keeping an eye out for anyone that needs assistance.And Alex. Oh god Alex. He’s been sitting in the middle of the room all night long, just strumming on that guitar. Sweat is pouring off of his skin, and his top shirt has long been removed for the comfort of his wife beater. He’s got his jeans on, snug and low like I like them with his buckle undone, and he’s barefoot. There are few things sexier than a man barefoot. He has a beer bottle under his seat that he occasionally picks up and takes a long pull from. Everyone has taken turns to make sure he never sees the bottom of his bottle tonight. He has his phone hooked up to the amp (I didn’t even know you could do that) and he and the guys have been picking songs all night long to play with. Sometimes it has lyrics with it and sometimes it’s just a backdrop. It wasn’t hard to realize who planned the party tonight once they got set up in the living room. Jackson has been playing DJ with his very own live band. Of a sorts. But now the other guys have cornered off with their respective lovers, and it’s Alex alone in the middle of the room.Temporary insanity is the only plea I can claim for the way I’m watching him tonight, and my only defense is he seems to be watching me just as closely. At first I can chalk it up to his protectiveness of me. After all, he is my person. But somewhere in the night his protective gaze turned into possessive. I’d like to blame it on the alcohol. I need to blame it on the alcohol. But I’m starting to sound like the lady who protests too much, even in my own head.He starts up a new song that I don’t think I’ve heard before. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeZGqvbp8Ac) It’s certainly more recent than a lot of the other stuff he and the guys have been playing. It has a nice beat and I immediately find myself swaying in my seat along with the rhythm. There’s a drum set coming out of the speakers from the phone, but when the lyrics start, it’s all Alex. If I had known Alex could sing like this, I’d have bought him a guitar a decade ago.
Have you got color in your cheeks'
Do you ever get the feeling that you can't shift the tide
That sticks around like something's in your teeth
And some aces up your sleeve
I had no idea that you're in deep
I dreamt about you near me every night this week
How many secrets can you keep' '
Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow
When I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
Spilling drinks on my settee
He’s staring straight at me as he sings, and I feel the impact of it deep within my core. There’s a pulling sensation starting at my throat and ending at my clit. Every nerve ending I possess is on fire. Needing some way to break the tension, I take a swig of the tequila in my hand, but that just makes the fire burn brighter.
If this feeling flows both ways (Sad to see you go)
Was sorta hoping that you'd stay (Baby we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for
saying things that you can't say tomorrow day
Without my knowledge or permission, my hands have started rubbing lightly against my skin. My belly, my chest. Up and down my jean covered thighs. I rub my hand across my mouth a few times then bite hard on the outside of my finger. I see his eyes roll into the back of his head before he opens them again and continues to stare into my soul. All without breaking his song.
Crawlin' back to you.
Ever thought of calling when you've had a few? '
Cause I always do
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new Now I've…
I know at one point there were other people in this room with us. People with whom it would be inappropriate to get on my knees and actually crawl over to where Alex is singing, but for the life of me I can’t seem remember their presence.
Crawling back to you
So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart's still open and
if so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I'm sorry to interrupt it's just I'm constantly
on the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don't know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together, if you wanted to
Wasn’t that just what I was afraid of? That Alex was ready to move on? This is killing me. I can’t think straight with him looking at me like this.
If this feeling flows both ways (Sad to see you go)
Was sorta hoping that you'd stay (Baby we both know) T
hat the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day
I don’t know what’s flowing from his direction, but I can guarantee that I’m flowing just fine. It’s going to look like I wet myself when I finally stand up. And the only person I can blame it on is him. He made me wet.
Crawling back to you
Ever thought of calling when you've had a few? (calling when you've had a few) '
Cause I always do ('cause I always do)
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to
fall for somebody new Now I've thought it through
I don’t need to call him. He’s always with me. He’s my person. Fixing this ache in my soul would be as simple as rolling over.
Crawling back to you, (do I wanna know?)
If this feeling flows both ways (Sad to see you go)
Was sorta hoping that you'd stay (Baby we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day
I want to crawl to him right now more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life.
Too busy being yours to fall (Sad to see you go)
Ever thought of calling darling? (Do I wanna know)
Do you want me crawling back to you?
By the time the song ends, I’ve made my decision. It will either be the worst decision I’ve ever made in my entire life, and I’ve made quite a few, or it will be the very best. I take a swig of liquid courage and stand up.“Everyone’s that still here now is staying here. It’s too late and we’re too drunk to go home. There’s enough beds and couches for everyone who’s left. I’m going to bed.” I get a few responses but everyone is too caught up in their own little worlds to pay much attention to me.I look Alex straight in the eyes and tip my head towards the stairs. He takes his guitar off and swallows the rest of his beer, then takes me by the hand and leads me up the stairs. Amelia catches my eye on the way and I shrug. At first I think she’s going to make a scene, but then she winks and turns her attention back to Owen.Do I Wanna know? You're damn straight I do.