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jeti, through the years - part three
tiffany tries (and fails) to smother a giggle.jessica shifts on her feet, turning around to give her a playful glare. shush. “this isn’t going to work, jessi,” tiffany snorts. “you’re like, a meter tall.”this time, jessica whips around in a flash, blonde hair almost smacking sooyoung, who’s standing next to her, in the face. she glares for real this time, as tiffany laughs at sooyoung’s offended spluttering about being slapped by jessica’s hair.“oh, you’re one to talk, you’re just as tall as i am!” steph ( stage names, jessica reminds herself, use stage names now ) tiffany’s reclined on the wooden floor of the practice room (practically her home now, given how much time she spends in here) with a light pink jacket covering her legs. she tugs it up at the first sign of jessica’s glare, covering her head, still giggling at sooyoung’s dramatized offended noises.“still half a centimetre taller than you are~” tiffany sing-songs, voice slightly muffled by the material of her jacket but no less loud. jessica can practically see her grinning, even with the jacket blocking tiffany’s face from sight. jessica’s mock-glare melts into a soft gaze as she watches the pink jacket shake as tiffany continues her (now quiet) laughter. cute. she shakes her head, pulled back to attention by sooyoung insistently poking her arm. sooyoung eyes her suggestively, smirking, and jessica reacts on instinct, without thinking.jessica slaps her arm. with her hand.sooyoung gasps in actual shock this time (not pain, because jessica hits like a potato, but still , the intent!!!! was there!!) and jessica grabs her wrist, forcibly turning them away from tiffany and back towards the front door. casually. not.“hey, pay attention, you idiot,” jessica snarks, “yuri and juhyun are supposed to be here any second now.”“seohyun,” sooyoung corrects automatically, making a show of rubbing her forearm exaggeratedly. “stage names, remember. also, that was rude as hell, you shit.”jessica glares again, ready to-“oh, shush, both of you. jessi, you’re about as intimidating as a cat left out in the rain. plus, i think i hear someone coming.” tiffany pokes her head out from under her jacket, still smiling, haloed by dark hair.jessica blinks, caught in tiffany’s warm eyes (again). she’d be more than content to stay like that forever, melt into a puddle of feelings under the sheer intensity of tiffany’s gaze, and she’s sure the other girl doesn’t even know what her look alone does to her, but-but sooyoung curses under her breath, quickly dragging jessica into place, the sudden movement jarring her back to the moment.
(“you know what we should do?” “...what?” “unnie pose. you. me. kwon yuri.” “you’re on.”)
the practice room door creaks open, just as tiffany predicted.
hilarity ensues.
~
tiffany walks into the practice room, training bag slung over a shoulder. she hollers hellos at the other girls - yoonyulsoo are stretching, hyosun are already warming up, seotae are going over some of the choreo they just learned yesterday - smiling at the chaotic chorus of returned greetings. they are less than half a year from the estimated debut date (three months. three more months, tiffany can barely believe it, until they get to stand on a stage they can claim as their own), and each of the nine girls are working harder than ever. with vocal training, dance practice, acting classes, and a smattering of other assorted skills and training, everyone is stretched pretty thin. but tiffany loves it regardless, loves the feeling of found-family, practically adores the feeling of having something to call her own. it’s…. been a long time since she’s had something to belong to.tiffany pauses as she walks across the room. her eyes sweep the dance studio, unconsciously searching for a head of long blonde hair and twinkling eyes amongst the members. she catches sight of a familiar NEW YORK cap on the head of a slumped figure at the side of the room, and rolls her eyes in amusement. oh, jessi. jessica groans as tiffany gives her a shake, her cap slipping down even further over her face. tiffany just shakes her head, smiling to herself. the other girl really loves her sleep. she turns to rummage through her bag, pulling out a thermos that she proceeds to uncap below jessica’s nose. “i have your favourite caramel coffee~” tiffany whispers, waving the thermos around. jessica groans again, cracking open her eyelids.she pouts.(tiffany’s heart melts.)“you really need to get some more sleep,” tiffany mumbles, hastily looking away from jessica’s just-woke-up-what-is-going-on gaze that should definitely not be doing weird things to her chest at all, but is making tiffany’s gut swoop in reaction anyway, to ‘rearrange’ the position of her things in her training bag.“don’t need sleep when i have you to bring me coffee,” jessica’s voice is hoarse, and clears her throat, wincing, before reaching for the thermos as she sits up.tiffany’s heart resolutely does not pound even harder at jessica’s huskier-than-normal voice. absolutely not. nope. no way.“what would you do without me, huh?” tiffany snorts as jessica downs half of the contents in one go, before recapping her thermos and pulling jessica to her feet. “alright. let’s warm up, yeah? we’ve got a long day ahead of us-hey! don’t fall asleep on me now, you literally just finished half of my coffee!” she scolds lightly as jessica yawns, eyes drooping closed, before she even finishes her sentence.“you should give me more coffee, then.” is jessica’s only deadpan response, but when tiffany glances over, she’s smiling, too, sleepy eyes half-open but as warm as ever.tiffany does not think about the fact that she’d gladly buy jessica her beloved caramel coffee for the rest of her life if it meant she’d get to see the other girl’s smile every damn day. hell, tiffany didn’t even drink caramel coffee before meeting the other girl.oh, tiffany’s in deep.
two hours later, jessica drops.tiffany’s heart catches as a shriek rips itself from her throat.
they were going over the choreo for into the new world, the song they were going to debut with. still working out some of the kinks and refining their formation changes, they’d forgone lunch in favour of polishing up the key moves for the chorus. everything had been fine, as per usual, in the laughter-filled studio. as focussed as the nine girls were, any room they were in could never be boring, what with their teasing chatter and easy laughter.“last run through of the whole song, guys!” hyoyeon claps her hands twice, and the other eight make vaguely assenting noises and groans.“lunch! food! i’m so hungry!” tiffany laughs at yoona’s half-cheers as she moves her weary limbs into position.the familiar opening notes begin, and tiffany loses herself in the music, hyper-focussed on every push and pull of her arms and feet hitting the beats of the track. her breath is ragged, muscles feeling like they’re about to give way, but she just needs to stick it out for a couple of minutes, come on, steph, you can-
then jessica jung’s slight form hits the floor, and tiffany’s heart with her.there’s a ringing in tiffany’s ears. someone shut off the music, and she can’t hear the other girls, so-oh. it’s her. she’s screaming. she’s by jessica’s side before she knows it, knees hitting the floor with a loud thud. the other girl is just barely breathing, so slight that for a heartbeat tiffany had thought that she was going to pass out from the mere thought that jessica might-cold sweat dots the blonde’s forehead and her skin is way too cold to the touch.tiffany’s panicking.jessica is a deadweight, completely out cold as tiffany desperately pulls her into her lap, trying in vain to wake her up.“jessica? jessica, wake up, what’s wrong? jessi, please,” she squeezes the other girl’s shoulders, stunned by how small her frame is. jessica has always been naturally thin, but her shoulders have never been so pointy, and her collarbones have never jutted out so obviously, and-tiffany is vaguely aware of the other seven girls forming a rough circle around them. she looks up into their worried faces, feeling like her lungs are about to burst, half-formed sentences on her lips. “she- something’s wrong, she’s so cold, we need to- hospital, get her to a hospital- call-”taeyeon touches her shoulder gently, grounding her back to reality, “korean, fany. you’re speaking in english. what happened to her?” tiffany blinks, hands slackening around jessica before she catches herself. right. she’d unwittingly slipped into english again.“get her to a hospital. call- call manager-oppa, call for an ambulance,” tiffany forces the words out, turning back to glance at jessica’s pale face, white as a sheet. she’s never seen her look so sick. worry twists, uncomfortably tight, in tiffany’s chest. when she looks up again, seohyun is walking back towards them with a small towel and a bottle of water, and taeyeon is pacing with her phone to her ear, speaking too low for tiffany to hear. she takes the towel from seohyun gratefully, gently pushing back jessica’s bangs so she can get at the perspiration dotting her face.she’s almost afraid to touch the other girl, feeling like jessica might break apart in her hands. her porcelain skin has never been so unnervingly white, and jessica’s normally petal-pink lips are chapped and pale, almost fading into the background of her skin. tiffany has never felt such fear wrangling her heart.yoona reaches over, gently taking tiffany’s free hand once she slackens her grip on the small towel. meeting the younger girl’s eyes, tiffany almost feels her heart break as yoona squeezes her hand reassuringly between her own thin, spindly ones. she’ll get through this. sica-unnie’s a tough one. for one long, drawn-out heartbeat, tiffany loosens a breath.then the door slams open, and there’s a flurry of shouts and noise and movement and even more noise and shuffling and yelling and one of their managers has picked jessica up, scooping the girl from tiffany’s lap simply, easily. tiffany blinks once, feeling like she’s watching herself slowly lower her hands into her lap, the empty space where jessica had lain, like some kind of out-of-body experience. there’s a pressure on her arm, someone tugging her to her feet, guiding her out of the room and down the corridor to…. somewhere. tiffany can’t really bring herself to care right now.she knows, even before she tries anything, that her panicked yelling and screaming will do nothing to get her on that ambulance with jessica. she blinks, and the image of the blonde looking near lifeless, arms limp and splayed awkwardly on the floor of the dance studio, sears itself like a white-hot burn across the darkness of her eyelids.
~
jessica has anemia. jessica has anemia?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
when jessica comes to, it’s to a fitfully sleeping tiffany, no less distraught than when she was awake. she’s in her dorm room, she realizes belatedly, eyeing the stuffed pikachu someone had placed under her arm with some idle interest. the curtains have been drawn closed, but the light streaming through the soft fabric is warm and orange, painting the room in a rosy hue. tiffany’s sitting cross-legged on the floor by her mattress, and jessica winces at how she’s slumped forward over her bed. must have been exhausted if that’s how she fell asleep … she’s going to wake up with back aches for days. jessica only realizes that the other girl’s actually wound an arm around her waist when she tries to sit up and falls ungracefully back down, surprised at the sudden resistance, eliciting a surprised grunt on her part. this has the unfortunate result of jostling tiffany, startling her from her (rather unrestful, if jessica was being honest) rest. her face scrunches together once, twice, and the look of confusion mapping across her features as tiffany blinks her eyes open, furrowing her brows, is enough to send jessica’s heart aflutter. that wide-eyed, innocent look is something jessica wouldn’t mind waking up to every day. jessica locks onto tiffany’s gaze, feeling the world dissolve to pieces around her. tension hums between them-not bad, but not entirely good, either, buzzing with something, crackling with anticipation-and jessica wonders idly who will break it first. surprisingly, tiffany doesn’t utter a word. jessica had expected… something. hysterics, panic, yelling, crying. something. but tiffany, as usual, defies all expectations, remaining silent instead.in the end, it’s jessica who utters a quiet, “good evening.” her eyes flick to the digital clock on her bedside table, nerves surfacing in the form of jittery motions, needing something to do with her eyes, her hands, her arms, her-tiffany loosens a long breath, eyes drifting shut for a moment before they snap open, once again anchoring jessica in their depths. jessica’s breath catches in her throat, but for entirely different reasons than the previous instances. her heart stutters at the sheer intensity, the rawness, the desperation pooling in tiffany’s large, empathetic eyes, suddenly finding herself at both a loss as to how to continue and in shock at how much tiffany makes her feel.then tiffany closes her eyes again, scrunching her forehead slightly, and the connection is broken. jessica blinks, surprised (again), and altogether unsure as to how to proceed. tiffany’s arm is still sprawled across jessica’s midsection, the weight warm and comforting and grounding even as jessica’s skin starts to prickle with nerves, the silence between them overwhelmingly so.“i was-”“i’m-” equally surprised eyes meet her own, and the whole situation is so ridiculous, when has jessica ever been uncomfortable around tiffany, in tiffany’s presence, what on earth are they even doing, that a bubble of incredulous laughter rises. and before she knows it, tiffany’s giggling too, her arm curling around jessica’s waist again as the other girl pulls her into her embrace.slowly, laughter subsides to snickers, to amused breaths and short exhales, and tiffany has her forehead braced against jessica’s shoulder, dark hair shielding her face from view. she hiccups, once, and jessica starts at the noise as she realizes tiffany’s started crying. if it’s even possible, her arms tighten around the usually-bright girl even more, her sternum aching with unspoken words and feelings that she doesn’t even know how or where to begin voicing.“i was so- worried.” tiffany’s voice comes out as a wrecked whisper, and jessica’s heart pangs at the catch in her words. “scared out of my mind. you hit the floor-” tiffany hiccups again, and jessica can feel her retracting her arm so she can wipe at her face. wordlessly, jessica begins tracing soothing circles into her back. “-and you just- just laid there, and the sound-”all of a sudden, tiffany draws back in a rather jerky motion that would otherwise have been fluidly smooth had jessica not had her arms looped so tightly around the other girl, not expecting this development at all. tiffany’s eyes are hard and determination lines the angles and planes of her face as she reaches up to grasp the blonde’s shoulders. jessica, long given up on ever trying to predict this girl, feeling like she’s going to be eternally surprised by tiffany at this point, merely stares on.“i never, ever, want to be that scared again.” still a whisper, tiffany’s voice is steely for all of two seconds before it wavers, near trembling with emotion. “please never do that to me again, jessi, please.” her voice breaks on jessica’s name.
please take care of yourself. please, let me take care of you. please, let me in.
jessica takes it all in: tiffany, trembling hands resting on her shoulders, grounding her. tiffany, tear tracks down her cheeks and even more shining, unshed, in her eyes. tiffany, lips folded and resolutely pressed together but still showing just the faintest hint of a quiver. tiffany, her strong, radiant sunshine. tiffany, who wears her heart on her sleeve and isn’t afraid to feel, to love, to laugh, to cry. tiffany, who jessica would put up stars in the night sky for at the bat of an eyelash.
i trust you.
~ tiffany is on the verge of losing her mind. or, well, maybe she’s already lost it. regardless, she’s legitimately this close to pulling her hair out from frustration. she’s still pacing the room, nervous frustration practically leaking out of her pores.“it’s fine, steph.” a calm voice utters wearily, and tiffany wilts at the resignation in jessica’s voice (and at the usage of her birth name) .she turns to the blonde, who’s sat up against the wall on her bed, an assortment of blankets and pillows and stuffed toys arranged around her for ‘maximum comfort’ (or so seohyun and yoona had claimed, and tiffany hadn’t the heart to tell the younger girls that jessica… wasn’t the biggest fan of soft toys. and neither had jessica, apparently, who’d merely smiled, heartwarmingly soft, and nodded in thanks, allowing the coddling for a day).“it’s just- i just-” tiffany struggles to put thoughts into words, feelings into words, two hands gesticulating randomly in front of her, trying to pull the words out from the folds of thin air. jessica looks half-amused as she sets down her hairbrush.“how could they do this to you? ” tiffany eventually splutters, indignation straining her vocal chords. she turns, in one sharp motion, to face jessica, dark hair whipping over her shoulder. jessica almost flinches at the rawness on her face, in her voice.
“we’ve made the executive decision to pass on the role of group leader to another member. you have been deemed...unfit for the role, given your current medical...diagnosis. you will keep your position as main vocal.
that’s all. you’re dismissed.”
it’s three days after the collapse, two after her discharge from the hospital. the company had asked to speak to her; whatever jessica had been expecting, it wasn’t this. jessica had returned to the dorm completely numb, accompanied by one of their managers, and delivered the news to a shell-shocked tiffany who’d just come out of the shower, strawberry-scented shampoo and all. honestly, she just wants to take a nap and sleep forever and be done with all this mess. the stress is building at her temples, and jessica groans quietly, pushing herself further into the blankets until she’s completely lying back, staring blankly at the ceiling dotted with glow-in-the-dark stars that tiffany had so enthusiastically insisted on putting up when they were moving their things in because it’ll be just like the night sky, jessi, that way you’ll feel less lonely! to which jessica had replied teasingly with, or, because you want a nightlight? and tiffany’s responding bright laughter had resonated through the small room, making jessica feel right at home.there’s a sigh, then a thump as tiffany flops down onto the bed, right next to jessica. her body heat is nice and warm, jessica thinks, as she moves the blanket over the other girl’s body. the scent of sweet strawberry envelopes her as she breathes in slightly, comforting in its familiarity. turning on her side, jessica finds tiffany, hair messy and blouse hiked up ever so slightly, already staring right back at her, eyes swirling with a million and one things that jessica wonders if she’ll ever be privy to. she’d like to be.“you deserve so much better.” tiffany’s voice is hushed, a not-quite whisper. “they shouldn’t- having anemia doesn’t make you any less worthy.” jessica watches tiffany’s nose scrunch ever so slightly in frustration, and reaches out a tentative hand. tiffany immediately, reflexively, intertwines their fingers as she looks up again. okay, so taeyeon is technically the oldest, so it does make sense, but… jessica is the one who’s been kicking all their asses into place, and tiffany is struck by an overwhelming sense of anger. jess is the one who isn’t afraid to make sure all the girls are working hard and keeping them in line, who isn’t afraid to confront any one of them. jessica exhales, slow and deep. she glances around her room: the trinkets and photographs lining the shelves, those glow-in-the-dark plastic stars on the ceiling, the numerous worn paperbacks in a rough stack by the nightstand (ever so slightly dog-eared, just tiny tiny tiny corners, because tiffany treasures her belongings like no other but also is a sentimental sap who loves going back over her favourite moments), the various make-up products by the dresser, the unmade bed next to hers so unmistakably tiffany’s. she thinks about the slightly-creased photographs of nine smiling faces stuck to the fridge with those silly alphabet magnets that yuri had bought when they moved in; the ridiculously gigantic whiteboard on the wall between the kitchen and the living room, completely covered in doodles and scrawled handwriting with too many smiley faces, courtesy of hyoyeon and sunny; the few pink balloons reminiscent of the day the nine girls had moved in that somehow hadn’t yet delfated, happily bobbing against the shoe cabinet by the front door and never failing to give jessica the fright of her life when she returns to the dorm late at night. she thinks, and she considers, and…“honestly?” jessica breathes out, squeezing tiffany’s hand in her own. she doesn’t exactly know what she’s waiting for, until she feels an answering squeeze of her hand in return. she continues, haltingly, at the silent go on.
i trust you.
“it’s almost… a relief.” jessica watches tiffany blink in genuine confusion, gently squeezing her hand once more in encouragement, and ploughs on, needing to get all of the mess in her head out into the swirling air. “i never wanted? to be the leader anyway. it was...too much, i think.” the reluctant admission, at long last, drains away a sliver of tension binding her shoulders. jessica blinks twice and looks away, afraid to watch tiffany’s reaction play out over her face because the other girl is an open book and never holds back around her and jessica… jessica doesn’t know if she can take that right now. doesn’t know if she can take the disappointment that would surely be painted across her features right now. she continues, nerves building in her chest. “i’m not like you. the rest of the girls. i don’t… i want us to do well, yes, i want us to succeed, but this... isn’t my lifelong dream, you know?” she winces as the words come out, not entirely right but not entirely wrong, either. the words are falling out of her mouth now, like the gushing water of a running river, and jessica can’t stop until the tangled mess of writhing thoughts occupying her brain is dumped out. “it’s like- you guys live through this. i just- don’t…”
“do you know you’re so good at singing, and you don’t even know it?”
jessica trails off, memories of tiffany’s past words flashing through her mind like a crackling radio, her gut twisting in what can only be vague shame. she remembers lying down on her bed in their dorm room, exactly as they are now. she remembers slowly drifting off to sleep, bones weary from exhaustion. she remembers feather-light touches as tiffany, ever the kind soul, arranged the blanket over her, remembers soothing fingers carding through her hair, brushing back her bangs from her face. jessica remembers cracking open tired eyes and fumbling for the other girl’s wrist, clumsily yanking tiffany down beside her, snorting at the other girl’s surprised squeak. she remembers bits and pieces of whispered conversations, fragments of confessions and admissions and too-raw honesty captured in a soap bubble of time, fragile and temporary and-jessica’s jolted back to the present as she feels tiffany take both of her hands in hers carefully, squeezing gently as she whispers, “jess, look at me?” jessica has to fight back the immediate urge to shake her head. the fact that tiffany had dropped the i from her nickname isn’t lost on her; if anything, the moment feels all the more fragile and intimate and jessica is at a loss.
can you trust me?
i trust you.
tiffany’s heart sinks at the nervousness, at the worry that flits across jessica’s expression. she meets her in the middle: using a hand to push off the wall, moving herself slightly down the bed so that’s she’s looking up into jessica’s face, meeting the other girl’s eyes and- oh. and the slanted, meandering trails of tears from the inner corners of her eyes across the bridge of her nose, the curve of her cheeks. the words on her tongue vanish in a fleeting second, any reassurances tiffany had wanted to say melting away like cotton candy on her tongue. instead, she releases jessica’s hands from her own, faltering as the blonde’s face falls ever so slightly.tiffany drops her hands and draws jessica in close instead, holding her tight as the other girl falls apart in her arms.
“you never have to explain yourself to me, jess. never.”
(i understand you without words; i know you without doubts)
jessica feels the feather-light press of tiffany’s lips against her forehead, and something in her lets out a contented sigh. finally.
i’m home.
later, after all sobs have subsided and soft, tentative kisses have been exchanged, the corners of jessica’s eyes crinkling as tiffany peppers her whole face with chaste presses of her lips, jessica tells tiffany this (well, jessica tells tiffany several things), and this time, she meets the other girl’s gaze straight on, losing herself in the ocean of swirling depths yet again. this time, jessica notes the small surprise in the slow blink of tiffany’s eyes, in the slight parting of her lips; she watches the simple happiness bloom in the apples of her cheeks, pushing her eyes into slight crescent curves that make her heart pound (oh, steph) .
(“you make all of this worth it. even if it’s not my lifelong desire, my lifelong dream; even if i have no greed when i’m amongst the members, you make everything worth it.”)
(“i love you.” “i know.”)
i’m home when i’m with you.
T: u KNOW?? what do u mean u kNOW who sAyS tHAT
J: ,, are u ,,, rly going to ruin the moment rn
T: wh- i’ll ruin this moment as much as i want, we’re going to have an ETERNITY of moments
T: i can see u blushing, dont roll ur eyes hA HA
J: shut up
J: i love u too, steph
T: i know.