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“Hey. What’s going on?” Lance drops into his seat at the table, spoonful of goo already in his mouth. Pidge is typing away on both their computer and a tablet, alternating between the two. Allura is hovering over their shoulder, a pinch between her eyebrows.“Castle got a virus or something,” Pidge says idly, attention still on the screens. There’s a stylus between their teeth. “Nothing major but I’m trying to fix it.” They pull the stylus free and finally look up. “There was a glitch that sent out all our videos to their previous contacts.” Pidge shrugs like it’s not a big deal but Lance’s spoon freezes halfway to his mouth.He pales at the news, breakfast souring in his stomach and the spoon in his hand wavers.“We’ve heard back from a few people saying they have doubles of old messages and stuff which is how we found out. It should be fixed soon,” Pidge is saying but Lance can barely hear them. Blood rushes in his ears and he loses his appetite, spoon clattering into his bowl from numb fingers.Lance stands from the table, fingers white around the edge, swaying dangerously. His heart is hammering and he’s lightheaded. Spots dance in his vision.“Everything?” he breathes, staring through Pidge. “The castle sent out everything we’ve ever recorded?”Pidge nods. “Yup.” They adjust their glasses, a glint in their eyes and Lance’s ears are ringing. “Why?” they drawl. “You got a porno you filmed in there you don’t want anyone to see?” Pidge grins but Lance is still staring blankly through the wall, terror gripping him.“Yeah,” he mumbles, face ashen. His knees are shaking. “Yeah, let's go with that.” He stumbles from the room in a daze, racing for his tablet, leaving them all staring after him in surprise and no small amount of concern. Lance has to know, has to see for himself. They couldn’t all have sent right? He hadn’t actually addressed all of them. Had he?He fumbles to unlock the device, scrambling for the video messages he’s spent the past six months recording. He scrolls through all of them, heart sinking further into his knees as he goes. Sent, sent, sent, sent. All of them. Every last one of the videos he’s recorded and addressed to Keith, with no intention of ever sending them, has indeed been sent.Lance wonders if it’s too late to kill himself. Or if it’s possible to die of mortification. That airlock he’d been trapped in all that time ago is beginning to look oh so inviting right now.He sinks to the edge of the bed, head in his hands. This can’t be happening.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Kolivan? Thace said you wanted to see me.” Keith steps into the room. “Is everything okay?”“We believe so. We’ve received a number of transmissions from Voltron, all addressed to you in the past varga and assumed they were in need of assistance based on their number. After contacting them we’ve been informed there was simply a castle-wide glitch that sent the messages.” He passes a tablet to Keith.“I assumed you’d want to view them before they were purged from the system.” Something flickers across his face. “I wasn’t sure you had seen them.”Keith frowns but takes the tablet. He scrolls through them, surprised by their number, eyebrow slowly lifting. “These all came in at once?”Kolivan nods. “It seems their system did a mass purge of all previously recorded messages, sending them out to their addressed recipients.” That look Keith doesn’t quite understand crosses his face again.“Though I don’t recall you getting any such messages from them.” It sounds like hedging.Keith goes to tap the first message but Kolivan puts his hand on Keith’s to stop him.“I have only seen the first but I believe them to be of a...personal nature,” he says softly and Keith lifts an eyebrow.“Kolivan, have you been reading my mail?” he teases.He doesn’t respond but Keith hadn’t been expecting him to. The man has never smiled for as long as Keith has known him. And has never said quite so many words before.“Take some time,” he says instead and now Keith is worried.He takes the tablet back to his room and scrolls through the videos, checking the recipients, surprised to see they’re all from Lance. He was expecting at least one of them to be from one of the others considering the sheer number.He runs back to the oldest message and hits play, expecting...nothing really.~Lance sits with his arms around his knees, staring out the window of his room as music plays softly in the background. His room is dark, a soft light edging everything but leaving forms and shapes in darkness. Starlight backlights him, limning the details of his face.He doesn’t speak for a long time, just sways softly as his eyes drift closed, leaning into the stars, listening to the song.
‘Now please don't go
Most nights I hardly sleep when I'm alone’
It takes Keith a moment to realize Lance is crying. The song ends and Lance takes a rattling breath, only half uncurling from his position on the sill. He hangs his head before glancing up at the camera.“I should have asked you to stay.” Guilt creases his features before he curls back into himself, like he’s hiding inside a shell, looking so small and fragile Keith can barely believe he’s seeing it.Lance pulls his knees closer to his chest and stares back out the window as the song plays again.~Keith’s heart races and he blushes, remembering Kolivan saying he’d seen the first video. He hopes he hadn’t watched it all the way through. Not just because he’s mortified it was sent to him but because he doesn’t want to share that moment of deep vulnerability with anyone. It was wrong. Lance was never supposed to look that broken. Least of all over Keith. Knowing the video wasn’t shared willingly eats away at him.Guilt twists Keith’s stomach and his hand shakes, hesitating for a moment before he plays the next video message.~“I don’t know why I’m doing this. It’s not like you’re ever going to see them,” Lance says, reaching out to adjust the camera. “Because I’m never sending them.” His voice is firm, like he really had no intention of ever sending the videos. Somehow that hurts.“I guess, I just need someone to talk to.” He settles back, making himself comfortable and Keith doesn’t understand why. There are so many other people on the ship to talk to. Why would Lance sit and talk to Keith? Or, well, a camera that was never meant to relay the message.“I didn’t realize how often we did that until you left," Lance goes on. Talked I mean.” Lance grips at his wrist, eyebrows furrowing. “Please tell me that wasn’t my fault too.” His forehead wrinkles and the fingers around his wrist turn white. Keith knows there’s more going on there that he doesn’t know about and his grip on the tablet tightens. He pauses the video and double checks the date it was filmed. It’s the only thing keeping him from messaging the castle in that moment to check on Lance. And then he flushes in embarrassment, hitting play again.“This wasn’t the solution I wanted. It wasn’t.” He presses the heel of his hand into his eye so hard Keith is sure it had to hurt. He wishes he was there to reach out and pull Lance’s hand away.“Please come back.” Lance’s breath rattles wetly, still hiding behind his hand, fingers curling into a fist. “Please.”~Keith scratches at the edge of the tablet and he runs a hand over his face. He puts the tablet down for almost a minute before picking it up again and playing the third message.~Lance is lying in bed, the little drone hovering in the air above him. His sleep shirt is partially rucked up around his waist, the sheets atangle. His arms are thrown above his head and his hair is delightfully mussed. His breaths are slow and deep and the only sound over the gentle hum of the drone. It’s wonderfully erotic and Keith finds his eyes wandering. Then he notices the dark shadows beneath Lance’s eyes and he frowns, looking closer. Lance hasn’t been sleeping.“Do you think stars have feelings?” he finally asks and Keith snorts.“Oh my god, go to sleep Lance,” he mutters to the recording, something fond unfurling in his chest.“Seriously,” Lance insists like he’d known Keith would react that way. “I mean, we met the Balmera and they’re basically giant sentient planets made of stone and crystal and were more than capable of thought and emotion.” His eyes meet the camera, fingers twitching over his head. “What if stars do too and we just haven’t found a way to understand them yet?” He frowns, voice going soft and sad. “What if we just can’t hear them? I mean we’ve met weirder,” he argues.In spite of himself Keith considers it. “You know, that’s actually a valid question.” He taps his finger along the edge of the tablet.“That’d be kind of sad don’t you think?” Lance turns and stares at the ceiling, chewing on his lower lip before the screen goes black.~Lance is smiling, salsa dancing across his room, slow and sensual. He’s in an oversized grey shirt that keeps slipping over his shoulders and part way down his chest as he moves, fluid and graceful, singing softly. His hair is mussed instead of artfully combed and it’s delightfully vulnerable. Keith can’t help thinking it’s a good look on him. Casually intimate. All the videos are and some part of Keith wants more. Wishes he’d stuck around long enough to actually experience the moment first hand instead of through a camera lense in his room stars only knew how many miles away.On the screen Lance dances on, still singing, heedless of Keith’s inner dilema.
“Hoy quiero tocate toda
Quiero hacerte mía”
Lance closes his eyes, spinning with an invisible partner and Keith doesn’t know how he keeps from falling. “Te quiero,” he sings.Lance opens his eyes as the song comes to a close and walks over to the camera. His smile is wide and he’s panting, sweat dampening his skin and making him glow in the light.“Happy Birthday Keith.” He grins, wide and bright and his eyes are sparkling. Keith finds himself grinning back before the video ends.~To Keith’s surprise there are a number of videos of Lance dancing to various things with varying levels of skill. From a faster more passionate salsa to the careless balter and bad lip synching of Love Myself which involved Lance singing into a spoon and jumping up and down on the couch, serenading Hunk and Pidge dramatically, the camera hovering in the air behind him, following as he does.Shiro had stumbled in with Allura but that hadn’t stopped Lance. He’d sung all the louder, eventually dragging Hunk up onto the couch with him, both of them singing at the top of their lungs. The biggest surprise of all was Pidge finally rolling their eyes and joining them, singing just as loudly and off key as their friends, head thrown back, wide smile on their face.Eventually they all collapse onto the cushions in a fit of laughter, tears streaming down their cheeks as another song starts to blare over the speakers one of them had somehow managed to rig up. Keith doesn't know whether it was Lance or Pidge but he suspects a combination of the two.Keith can just catch Allura behind them leaning over to ask Shiro what’s going on. He shrugs but there’s a wide grin on his face the likes of which Keith hasn’t seen for years. He can just make out him saying, “At least they’re happy.”Keith is suddenly struck by how deeply he loves and misses them. He wishes he were there.~There’s one entry that’s filmed mostly out of frame, pieces of Lance just dancing into the frame, an elbow, the slope of a shoulder, the drape of his wrist and reaching fingers. The song is full of heartache and the screen is off-kilter, the flashes he gets of Lance’s face full of pain and want and sorrow. Keith isn’t sure Lance knows the camera was recording that one. He can’t help wondering.~It’s funny, the number of videos that involve music. The Cascada he’d expected, Queen belonged on everyone’s playlist, but it’s the metal that catches him off-guard. He’d never know Lance’s taste in music was so...eclectic. Or that he could sing. Or dance.Or apparently knit??? He’d spent the entirety of one video catching Keith up on what Voltron had been doing with some kind of project in his lap, idly pulling on yarn every few sentences as he worked.The first time Keith hears Lance’s voice drop into the deeply gravelled register of a scream, singing along to whatever song he’s listening to, Keith almost drops the tablet. He stares at the screen as Lance idly folds his laundry, singing along like it’s easy and wow, that should not be attractive.Lance bangs his head briefly, ruffling his hair before turning and grabbing a handful of clothes, hanging them up in the closet. He’s still humming.Keith stares sadly at the video, stroking his thumb over the very edge, like he’s afraid to touch.“There’s so much I don’t know about you,” he says softly. “I’m sorry.”The one that really gets Keith though is filmed inside a bar and the team discovers karaoke, none of them questioning the drone that’s just become a regular staple around Lance by now. To their surprise and delight Lance finds Earth music. The drone tries to come closer but Lance waves it off with a cheeky grin as if it were Keith himself coming to hover.“No peeking,” he scolds and Keith rolls his eyes, smiling softly.Lance says something to a large four armed alien off to the side and Keith realizes he’s cranking the volume.Lance saunters out onto the stage, bathed in the shifting lights, looking for all the world like he belongs there, the center of attention, bold and brash and beautiful.As the first notes come blaring through the speakers Keith laughs, long and loud, the sound bouncing back to him strangely on the metal walls of his room.“Figures,” he mutters as Lance launches into the most amazing rendition of Stand Out, Keith has ever heard, complete with dance choreography; some of which is beautifully executed atop one of the patron’s tables. They’re not impressed.Keith is enjoying the video right up until Lance’s eyes find the camera, catching his and holding him there. There’s something desperate on his face and he’s staring right at Keith as he sings,“... you get the message that I’m trying to send.” And Keith knows that’s about him.He flushes at the blatant confession, fingers tight on the tablet as Lance moves into the chorus and all of a sudden Lance’s showy behavior makes so much more sense.Something deeply honest curls through his voice, desperate to be heard as he sings right to Keith.“All I need is one more chance, a half a though, a second glance to prove, I got whatever it takes-” Keith flushes under the intensity of those words, the want in them and they hit harder than any other part of the song, Lance's every expression screaming, give me a chance. When Lance turns back to the crowd, a wide grin on his face, Keith is relieved. His heart won’t stop racing.“‘til mine is the only face you see-” He gestures sharply at the camera, one fist beating out a brief rhythm against his chest, singing his heart out in an alien bar to a song from A Goofy Movie and Keith realizes maybe he’s a little into Lance too.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I hope you’re okay.” Lance darts a look at the camera, chewing on a nail. “I worry about you.”He tries to smile, head tipping sideways to rest against the corner of the wall his bed is set into. “If I was a braver man I’d just call you and ask.”Keith doesn’t know what he would have done if Lance had. Would he have brushed him off or been grateful that someone had tried to reach out?Something ugly twists in his chest and Lance’s smile goes self-deprecating.“But no one’s ever accused me of being brave,” he says wryly.Keith thinks it’s a shame. Lance is absolutely fearless and one of the bravest people he’s ever met. He wishes he’d taken the time to tell him.~There’s one video that’s longer than all the others and Lance hastily lays out the rules of what’s apparently a one man drinking game as Keith watches. The rest of the video is Lance looking into the lense at various moment mouthing “drink” every time Coran touches his mustache; Pidge is connected to a screen or uses a word with more than three syllables; Allura gets caught talking to the mice; every time Hunk has to turn down a marriage proposal after a mission, etc.There’s a whole three minute sequence of Lance walking past the training deck over and over again at various intervals, drinking from a bottle as Shiro beats the shit out of a gladiator, seemingly without pause.Lance giggles into the camera, his cheeks rosy.“Seriously, he’s almost as bad as you.” Lance giggles again, pressing a kiss straight over the lense, startling a laugh from Keith.“Miss you Red. Come back soon.” Keith’s chest warms at the open affection in Lance’s voice and the nickname.~Lance’s knee bounces on the bed and he chews on his lip, dragging it through his teeth.“So...I got a tattoo? Don’t tell Shiro. He’ll be pissed.” Lance pulls down the collar of his shirt to reveal the little horoscope symbols, one tucked just beneath his collarbone on each side.“It’s uh, Ronnie’s star sign.” He touches one. “And mine.” Then the other. “Veronica’s my sister,” he explains and his knee starts bouncing as he lets go of his collar.“We were supposed to get them together actually. She was going to get mine and I was going to get hers but at his point I’m not sure I’m gonna ever see her again so, I guess this is my way of taking her with me.” He looks away, chewing on his lip again and something inside Keith drops at the admission that Lance thinks he’ll never make it home again.“We were really close before I left,” Lance goes on. “She’s the one who pushed for me to go to the Garrison, to become a pilot when my mom didn’t want me to. I know she was scared but Ronnie pushed for it until she relented.” He laughs. “Always said I was meant for great things.” He looks around the room, his fingers brushing idly over the tattoo under his shirt.“Guess she was right.” He ducks his head for a moment. “She’s the one who backed me coming out to my parents,” he says softly, letting out a shaky breath and Keith’s heart trips. Lance shakes his head and tries to smile.“Boy was that scary.” He frowns, but somehow manages to hold the edges of a smile in the corners of his mouth though Keith isn’t sure how. “I think she always knew I was bi,” he says slowly. “Hell, I think she knew before I did.” He grins, running a hand over his mouth and settles against the wall, one leg stretching out in front of him.“My dad was furious. He didn’t talk to me for months.” To Keith’s surprise Lance laughs. “Veronica tore him up one side and down the other then took me out to the bar, held me as I cried, and then sat with me on the couch splitting a pint of ice cream as we watched reruns of my favorite show. Yes, my sister took me, a minor, to a bar and got me drunk. Do not tell her I told you,” Lance teases.And then his expression fractures. “God I miss her.” He closes his eyes with a wince, pressing a hand over the tattoo. “I hope she knows I’m okay.” His thumb runs idly over his chest and Keith gently touches the screen over Lance’s heart.“I don’t know why I’m telling you this.” He stares into the camera as if he can see Keith, or maybe just wishing he could, and his eyes are so sad.“Stay safe, Samurai. Wherever you are.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Lance peeks out the open door of the castle, looking around in the dark and Keith realizes they’ve landed. Lance grins at the camera, crossing his lips with a finger before darting for the far trees. He ducks into the shadows, panting lightly and waits, checking to see if he’s being followed.“Come on,” he whispers, “there’s something I want to show you.” Lance moves between the trees in near silence and Keith finds he’s impressed by the display of stealth. He hadn’t known Lance could be quiet. The amusement fades. He hadn’t realized a lot of things about Lance apparently.“I found these the other night,” Lance whispers. “And wanted to share it with you.” He stops at the edge of a clearing, waiting for the clouds to part and Keith can see the two moons; one blue, the other white, full and bright overhead.As the light spreads across the clearing Keith sees a field of tightly closed flowers, deep navy in the dark.“I call them moon flowers,” Lance whispers. “The locals call them something that trips up my tongue no matter how hard I try so that’s what I dubbed them.” As Lance whispers the little buds begin to bloom. His eyes are wide in the dark as the drone hums softly, drifting around him.“We’ve seen some amazing things in our time out here but this is a first for me.” Lance grins, a note of awe in his voice Keith wishes he were there to hear.Soon the field is covered in navy blossoms, spreading wide under the moonlight but Keith still doesn’t understand what the fuss is all about.As if sensing his thoughts Lance turns to the drone and smiles.“Watch.” He steps out into the moonlight and lets a single note fall from his lips. All around him the flowers begin to glow, the blooms casting blue-white light across the field.Even through the camera Keith can hear the flowers humming back, matching the note faintly. Lance changes the note and the flowers follow, the light swelling as he goes higher, shifting more into white, and deepening into blue as he goes lower.Keith’s breath catches at the sight.Lance laughs and walks forward, the flowers casting dancing shadows across his legs as he weaves between them. He sits carefully in the middle of the field, flopping onto his back. He's careful to disturb the flowers as little as possible.The camera lifts into the air above him and the light from the flowers begins to dim, but only slightly. The colors pulse and dance across his face, sparkling in his eyes as he smiles and Keith’s breath stutters.“I know it can be easy to forget how amazing all of this is, to become numb to it as it becomes our new normal.” Lance hooks a finger around one of the flowers, tugging it close to him, toying with the petals. “I guess I’m just trying to remind you to take the time to stop and smell the alien flowers. Or in this case sing to them.” He laughs, rolling onto his side and the camera settles low between the flowers across from him as Lance pillows his head on his arm.Keith lays on his side, propping the tablet up on the mattress and it's almost like they’re lying side by side.Lance stares into the camera for a moment, light catching along his cheek and in his hair, his eyes. His hair is curling along his temples and Keith realizes how long it’s gotten since he last saw him.Keith is struck, not for the first time, with how beautiful Lance is. He reaches out and lets his fingers trace the curve of Lance’s jaw on the screen.“I miss you too,” he says softly and then Lance is speaking again.“Find something beautiful,” he says softly, voice warm and vulnerable. “Something worth fighting for.” He strokes one of the flowers, his eyes drifting away from the screen.“Make it personal, make the war personal.” Lance rubs the velvety petal between his fingers. “It makes the burden easier to bear.” He shrugs one shoulder where he’s lying on the ground, pillowing his arms against his chest. “At least it does for me.” He takes a deep breath and Keith can see the weight of the war on his shoulders.“I know what we’re doing is important,” Lance says softly. “but it’s so…” He rolls his hand through the air and frowns. “Big,” he finally settles on. “I need a way to make it small.“I don’t know if anyone else is like that or not or if it’s even wise to look at it like that, but I need small things to remind me of what we’re fighting for.” He boops one of the flowers, the light bobbing.“Everything we’ll lose if we fail.” His expression turns grave. “The stakes are so high it’s easy to become numb to it. Everything becomes just a number.” He plucks one of the flowers, spinning it.“But not this.” He lifts the flower to the screen. “This is here, it’s real. And if we lose...it’ll be gone.” He tucks the flower behind his ear and Keith's heart swoops.“The people are important. I mean obviously, but their homes and planets and wildlife are important too.” Lance scoots around in the grass, making himself more comfortable, the flower casting brilliant light across his cheek.“I’d like to bring you here,” Lance whispers, scooting closer to the camera. “If I ever get to see you again.” His face falls, expression hardening as he rolls onto his back, draping his arms across his forehead, all the soft vulnerability vanishing from his face.“This is so stupid,” he mutters, more to himself than the camera as he covers his eyes. “I’m talking to a camera in the middle of the night on an alien planet. Half the wildlife out here could probably kill me.” The anger in his voice makes Keith's heart ache. He sees a muscle in Lance’s jaw twitch as he grinds his teeth.“This is so stupid,” he hisses and Keith hears the self-deprecation of what he means. I’m so stupid. He falls silent for the next several minutes, the flowers slowly going dark around him in the silence.When the video ends Keith runs it back and watches it again.~The last message is the shortest, barely six seconds long and most of it is spent with Lance biting his lip, knee bouncing as his fingers twist themselves into knots. He takes a breath but it does little to strengthen his voice when he says, “I think I’m in love with you.” He winces and his hand covers the lens a moment later, the screen going dark.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Kolivan?” Keith twists the tablet in his hands. He’s downloaded all of the videos to his personal device, removing them from the public server where anyone could find them. He doesn’t think any one of the Blades will, but he wants to preserve what little remains of Lance’s privacy anyway. The videos aren’t for them.“I think I have to go.” He stares down at the tablet in his hands, hoping Kolivan will understand without him having to say it.Kolivan doesn’t look surprised, just glances at the tablet and nods. “There is already a shuttle prepped and waiting for you.”Keith’s head snaps up and he blinks dumbly. “What?” Between missions it’s taken Keith a number of days to make it through all the videos. He can’t help wondering when Kolivan ordered the shuttle to be prepped. If it’s been there for a few hours or a few days. Either way it warms his heart even as it embarrasses him.Kolivan smiles, his shoulders sloping in understanding and he puts a hand on Keith’s shoulder. Keith lifts his eyes.“When the vao calls, it is our duty to respond,” Kolivan says and his voice manages to be both soft and firm. Like Keith doesn’t have a choice but to go. Maybe he doesn’t.Keith doesn’t know exactly what vao means but he thinks he can guess. He nods slowly, cheeks warm but grateful.“Thank you.”Kolivan’s hand is heavy where he squeezes his shoulder. “You will always have a place with the Blades should you want it.”Keith nods again, ducking his head to hide a smile, his heart beginning to race at the thought of seeing his family again. Of seeing Lance.“If you need me, you’ll know where to find me.”~When they receive a message from Kolivan a few days after the castle-wide incident, saying Keith is on his way, none of them think anything of it. Other than Lance who is still hiding in his room and slowly dying of anxiety. None of them have really probed too deeply about what’s bothering him and what questions arise he easily deflects, letting them come up with their own ideas no matter how embarrassing or wildly outlandish. They can’t be any worse than the truth.He takes a shower, paces his room, tries to knit and ends up having to rip out half of what he does, dropping a number of stitches before giving up and setting it aside. He tries to read one of Keith’s books, toying with a dark blue flower pressed between the pages before he feels weird about it and sets the book aside. And the next thing he knows his door is hissing open and Keith is standing there staring at him.Lance is frozen, every part of him tense and ready to run but there’s nowhere to go. He hadn’t even known the shuttle had docked. No one had told him. Gods why didn’t anyone tell him!?“So…” Keith says slowly and Lance’s heart trips over. It’s been months since he last heard Keith’s voice, deep and rough and his body flushes at the sound. “I think we need to talk.”Lance nearly swallows his own tongue as Keith passes over his tablet and Lance sees the plethora of video messages he’s sent, staring up at him. He’d been hanging on to the last vestiges of a desperate hope that maybe they’d never arrived, that maybe they’d somehow miraculously gotten lost along the way and were just ping-ponging around in space instead. Better some alien who didn’t understand them find and see them than what’s happening right now.Lance wonders where the nearest collapsing star is so he can throw himself into it.“Please tell me you didn’t watch all of those,” he chokes, mortified to remember everything he’d recorded. And the squeak in his voice.Lance can’t lift his eyes from the tablet now in his hands. The screen keeps vibrating and it takes him a moment to realize it’s because his hands are shaking.“Why?” Keith frowns sounding genuinely confused. Like he can’t actually wrap his head around why Lance would want them to stay buried forever.“So I can hold on to what little remains of my pride right now,” Lance begs, tears of humiliation in his eyes.Keith’s silence is answer enough and Lance whines, utterly mortified, burying his burning face behind a hand. Shame burns all the way up his neck and across his face.“All of them Keith? Really? There’s like thirty.” He waves the tablet desperately in Keith’s direction without looking at him.“Yeah.”Lance makes another garbled noise of suffering, flopping back onto the bed and dragging a pillow over his face, half hoping it’s possible to suffocate himself.“What is there to talk about,” he grumbles from behind the pillow. “I made a colossal ass out of myself. There is literally video evidence to prove it!” He slaps a hand in the general direction of the tablet on the bed.“I don’t know,” Keith says softly, shrugging and Lance can hear his suit creaking. “I thought it was kind of sweet.” A small smile pulls at the corner of his mouth that Lance doesn’t see but he can hear. His heart beats faster, regret making his bones grind and his stomach twist. He never should have recorded them in the first place.Lance groans, pressing the pillow harder over his face, trying to claw his eyes out through the material.“God, don’t make fun of me,” he begs, tears pricking his eyes. “Not now.” He doesn’t think he could handle that.“Pidge and Hunk have done it enough over my crush on Allura, I can’t-” His breath shudders out of him. “I can’t deal with this too.”The bed dips beside him and Lance goes rigid, fingers curled painfully tight in the pillow and he trembles. He can’t remember ever being so scared. Keith is so quiet Lance would think he’d left if it weren’t for the solid weight sitting next to him.“I’m not,” Keith finally says, soft and confused but like he’s trying to patch the distance. “I mean the drinking game was a little absurd,” he teases and Lance can hear the tentative amusement in his voice.Lance snorts, his grip slackening briefly, as memories begin to surface. “I forgot about that one.” He smiles a little fondly through the panic.“Did you think I was going to be angry?”Lance drags the pillow off his face which is bright red. “Actually I was expecting you to laugh in my face, mock me relentlessly, and never speak to me again,” he says, voice deceptively blithe.Keith looks hurt, shoulders tensing. His fingers are curled into his lap. “Do you really think that little of me?” he asks.Lance plucks at a seam on the pillow as he pulls it into his lap, still lying on the bed. “It’s more like how little I think of myself,” he says slowly.He huffs. “Look, I’m all flirt no follow through okay? I wouldn’t know what to do with someone who was genuinely interested in me because it doesn’t happen. So yeah, I fully expected you to like, make fun of me or something.” Lance pouts, his frustrated grumble toeing the line of a whine. “Everyone else has.”Keith looks angry and for a minute Lance thinks he’s offended him.“Then they didn’t deserve you,” he snaps, brows drawn in a dark scowl. “Whether it was someone you were in a relationship with or your friends.” His expression darkens and his shoulders curl tight. “I don’t get it, why do people make fun of others for liking someone?” he snaps. “It’s humbling enough as it is to admit you feel that way to the people you’re supposed to be able to trust just have them turn around and mock you for it.” He looks at Lance, his expression dropping into something a little more defeated.“You don’t deserve to have the people who are supposed to care about you humiliating you over having a crush on someone, no matter who it is. It isn’t funny.” Lance gapes at him and Keith flushes, his voice softening as the tension in his shoulders begins to ease.“You deserve better than that.” His posture turns self-conscious. “You’re not everybody’s cup of tea,” he admits, voice fond and almost shy. “But you are mine. You always were.”Lance sits up, not sure he’s really hearing him right, still trying to process the vast number of words Keith has just said. And the possibility he could be speaking from experience. That doesn’t sit well with Lance.“Excuse me?”Keith runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “Lance I’ve been into you since the whole Sendak thing happened.” He meets Lance’s disbelieving gaze boldly. “You’re the one who pushed me away.” He loses his nerve after a moment and looks away, feeling Lance’s eyes on the side of his face.He stares stubbornly at the wall and the silence stretches, Keith’s skin beginning to itch under Lance’s observation.“Then why did you leave?” he asks softly, almost afraid of the answer.Keith runs a nail into the pad of his finger, his knee beginning to bounce. “So you wouldn’t have to,” he admits, still talking to the wall instead of Lance.“I had somewhere else to go.” He lifts one shoulder and lets it fall. “You didn’t. And the team needed you more than me, no matter what you might think.” He looks at Lance and there’s a weight to his gaze, his voice going soft. “You have the capacity to be an amazing leader Lance. You just have to be given the chance.”Lance feels his heart beginning to skip with something other than horror, something more like wonder and hope.“I didn’t think you ever would if you were always stuck in my shadow and I wanted you to have that chance.” His brows furrow. “You deserve that.”Lance stares at him, a tear sliding down his stunned face. No one has ever done something that stupidly self-sacrificing for him outside of his family. The fact that it was Keith has him reeling.Keith reaches out to wipe the tear away, his hand lingering and all Lance can do is stare, a single thought surfacing through the white noise in his brain.“I’m really glad the castle glitched,” Lance says, mouth running ahead of his filter as he gapes at Keith.Keith laughs quietly, pulling his hand back. “Me too.”He stands, rubbing his hands down his thighs.“Please don’t go.” A note of fear works its way into Lance’s voice as he clutches the pillow again and a small smile lifts Keith’s lips.“I’m not. I’m back for good.” Something in Lance’s chest lifts at the words, hope dragging the weight viciously away until he’s dizzy with it. “I’ll be right next door.” He crosses the room and Lance still can’t make his legs work.“Keith?”“Hmm?” He stops, one hand on the door and Lance reaches for his courage while he’s still half-numb and Keith is still right here.“If I asked you to kiss me...would you?”Keith’s eyes are warm and sincere, a gravity to them Lance isn’t expecting and for a moment they just stare at one another.“Yes.”Lance’s stomach flips, his heart leaping into his throat and he struggles to get the words out before Keith leaves.“Please kiss me.”Keith pauses, his eyes never leaving Lance and slowly he turns and walks back towards him. Lance feels like he’s dreaming. He’s clutching the pillow to his stomach as Keith leans down, one hand on the edge of the hollow of the wall Lance’s bed is recessed into, looming over him. His eyes are dark but there’s a sparkle of mischief there Lance hasn’t seen in months. It makes his stomach flip and his heart do stupid party tricks in his chest.“Not sure that was a question.”Lance scowls, his grip on the pillow tightening. “Keith-” He shuts up as Keith kisses him, cutting him off, the fury spiraling loose inside him. Lance tilts his chin up, pressing into it. Keith’s dark hair brushes against his cheeks and Lance reaches up to gently brush his fingers over the strands. It’s gotten long while Keith was away.Keith’s mouth is soft and warm, tender and full of apology. When he pulls away Lance can't quite open his eyes.Keith’s nose brushes along his, each of them just savoring being this close to the other. His thumb rubs a small circle into the side of Lance’s jaw where it’s still cupping his head.“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Keith promises and Lance nods.Keith kisses the corner of his mouth. “Goodnight Blue.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The blue flowers in the meadow Keith has come to call Lance’s Meadow glow, casting soft light. Every sound they make is caught by the flowers, answered with flicks of light from the flowers.“Lance,” Keith murmurs from where Lance is sitting in his lap. His eyes are soft and warm, touched with an edge of uncertainty. His hand slides further down Lance’s back, pressing where his spine meets his pelvis. “I want…” Keith’s breath hitches and he opens his eyes, biting his lip like he’s afraid to say it. He rocks his hips up into Lance’s, making his breath catch. Lance shifts his weight, lifting one hand to cup Keith’s cheek. “Are you sure?”Keith sighs, pressing into Lance’s hand. “Yeah. I’m sure.” He bites his lip again and that trepidation is back. “I’ve just- I’ve never…” He takes a steadying breath and holds Lance’s gaze. “I’ve never done this before.” Lance feels his insides go all soft and gooey and light at the same time. He’s so overwhelmed for the amazing man beneath him he nearly cries. He lowers himself further down and Keith spreads his legs, cradling Lance’s body between his knees. Lance kisses him, slow and sweet until he feels Keith relax again. He rolls his hips just slightly, adding pressure more than friction between them and Keith whines, arching up as Lance kisses his way to Keith’s ear. “Want you so bad,” he whispers, breath dancing across the shell of Keith’s ear. Goosebumps ripple down his arms and Keith shivers. “Want you inside me.” Keith bites his lips around a groan and Lance sits back, running his thumb along the bitten bloodless skin. “Don’t,” he pleads. Keith’s eyes are hazy and dark when he opens them. “Wanna hear you.”Keith releases his lip with a whine, and flushes. His lip swells, blossoming pink and Lance catches it with his own teeth, sucking on it, soothing away the tenderness with his tongue. Keith’s fingers find their way into his hair, holding him like he’s precious and Lance feels that urge to cry again. He’s never felt so wanted, so desired, or so trusted before in his life. When he pulls away Keith lifts himself off the ground, chasing his mouth, lips parted and wanting. “Come here.” Lance takes Keith’s hand, pulling them both upright until Keith is sitting in his lap, knees bracketing Lance’s hips. He feels his jeans growing damp from the soft ground but can’t bring himself to care. “If this gets overwhelming,” Lance says softly, tucking Keith’s hair back, the other arm around his waist, “I want you to tell me.” Keith’s hands flex on Lance’s shoulders. “We can stop. At any time, for any reason. I'm not gonna be mad.” He strokes his thumb over Keith’s cheek. “I just want you to feel safe and enjoy it. Okay?” A smile pulls at his mouth. “It’s supposed to be fun.” Keith blushes, ducking his head to hide against Lance’s shoulder. Lance’s hand strokes up Keith’s back under his jacket and he can feel the heat trapped in the material, like Keith has been in the training room instead of lying in the damp grass. He feels the warmth of Keith’s shuddering breath against the side of his throat as he sighs. “Okay.” “Okay what?” Lance prods gently and Keith sits back.“I’ll tell you. If I get overwhelmed or we need to stop.” He flushes as he says it and Lance kisses his burning cheek. “Promise?” he asks, lifting his pinky up in the air between them and Keith laughs. He rolls his eyes but loops his pinky with Lance’s. “Yes, I promise,” he says, fond exasperation in his voice. He kisses his own thumb, watching Lance over their entwined hands while he does. He turns bashful a moment later. “You’re gonna have to guide me,” Keith manages, throat tight with embarrassment. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” The corners of his mouth pinch like he’s afraid of disappointing Lance. “I don’t want to hurt you.” Lance kisses him until the tension bleeds away, sliding his tongue against Keith’s lazily. “You won’t,” he promises. “I know what I’m doing. I know what I like.” He pets Keith’s hair back, marveling at how soft it’s gotten. “Trust me,” he whispers against Keith’s lips. “I do.” Lance cups the back of Keith’s head, tipping it and kissing him, long and languid. His other hand slides over Keith’s chest, slipping under his jacket to his shoulder and pushing at it gently. “Can I?” He asks, waiting for Keith’s nod before kissing him again, slowly pushing the jacket from his shoulders. Keith shivers under the touch when Lance’s fingers drop past his sleeves, meeting skin. The air rushing in to touch him is warm but Keith still shivers, goosebumps rippling down his arms, leaving him cold as the jacket slips down his elbows. Lance kisses along Keith’s throat to the hollow, Keith tipping his head back, encouraging Lance with a hand to the back of his neck. The jacket partially restrains his movement but Keith doesn’t care. He hums and makes little noises as Lance dips down to kiss along his collarbone. His fingers abandon Keith’s jacket to stroke over his chest, seeking out a peaked nipple from the cold. When he touches it Keith whines, rocking in his lap and Lance’s hand on his back holds Keith firm as he sucks a hickey into his throat. The noise he makes when Lance pinches his nipple, rolling it, is embarrassingly loud, tapering off into a whine in his throat. It makes Lance’s cock twitch in his jeans, heat pooling in his belly. He does it again, a little harder and Keith makes that sound again, body shuddering as he rises up on his knees, body arching. “Fuck, Lance,” he cries and Lance takes his hand away, wrapping it around Keith’s waist, crushing them together. He rolls his hips up into Keith, face still buried against his throat. “God I love the way you sound,” he groans and Keith’s fingers finally ease in his hair, soothing along his scalp. “‘m glad it’s you,” he breathes, pressing his nose into Lance’s hair. He smells warm and sweet and like the flowers around them. “Never wanted you so badly,” Keith murmurs and Lance’s fingers fist in Keith’s shirt. “You have to stop talking like that or I’m not gonna be able to take it slow.” His breathing stutters against Keith’s throat and he takes a minute to calm down, pressing soft kisses against Keith’s skin. “You okay?” Keith asks, stroking his fingers through Lance’s hair. “Yeah. I just really love you.” Keith flushes, lifting Lance’s face from his shoulder to look at him. No one’s ever looked at him like that, like he was a star or a supernova, something to be marveled at and admired. It makes his stomach clench and his heart skip. “I love you,” Keith chokes, kissing him. He kisses Lance until they’re both dizzy, fingers dragging Lance’s jacket off him and throwing it to the side. He yanks on the bottom of Lance’s shirt, trying to pull it off without making Lance let him go. “Thought you were nervous,” Lance teases and Keith nips his bottom lip scoldingly. “Never was very patient,” he mumbles and Lance lifts his arms, allowing Keith to remove the shirt. “Why are you still dressed?” Keith grumbles, reaching for Lance’s belt. “Wanna touch you.” Lance grabs a fistful of his hair and yanks, dragging a guttural sound from Keith as he does. His hands freeze in place, hovering above Lance’s hips as he trembles, lips parted and god he looks so beautiful. His lips are kiss swollen and his throat works over another moan as Lance ducks his head, leaving a bruising kiss there. “Lance-” he whines and Lance growls. “So impatient.” He finally eases his grip in Keith’s hair, letting him raise his head. “You’re supposed to be better behaved,” he scolds. “Make me.” Lance grinds his teeth against his knee-jerk reaction to throw Keith to the ground and fuck him senseless. Next time. “Should have known you’d be a brat.” Keith grins. “I don’t know what that means but probably.” Lance cradles Keith’s weight as he lowers him down, using his own jacket as a kind of blanket against the grass. “Fuck, I don’t have-”“I do,” Keith cuts him off, fishing into his back pocket for a small packet of lube and a condom. Lance’s eyes widen in surprise. “You planned this,” he accuses. Keith rolls his eyes. “Of course I did. This video was the moment I realized I was in love with you. Of course I’d want you to fuck me out here.” Lance groans, his head tipping down to rest against Keith’s sternum. “Why is that romantic? Damn you.”“I hadn’t planned on actually using the condom to be honest.” His cheeks flush and Lance lifts his head, his own cheeks warm. “Keith,” he gasps with delighted surprise. “Did you want me to raw you?” he teases. Keith’s face goes bright red in the dark. “Yes,” he admits and god that does things to him. Lance groans. “God that’s hot.” He sits up, taking both from Keith and straddles him. “Next time,” he promises, kissing the tip of Keith’s nose. “Right now I want you to make sweet, sweet love to me while I ride you.” Keith’s hands fall to Lance’s hips, squeezing and Lance grinds down into him, rocking his ass against Keith’s cock. He wastes no time stripping them out of their remaining clothes and opening the lube packet. Keith watches intently as Lance covers two of his fingers, setting the packet within easy reach and reaches down to slowly slide a finger over his hole. He keeps one hand on Keith’s chest for balance as he slowly presses shallowly inside. His cock twitches in the air and Keith’s mouth waters at the sight. “Can I-?” The words come out gravelled.Lance opens his eyes, following Keith’s gaze. “Yeah.” Keith swallows thickly before reaching for Lance’s cock, fingers touching him carefully. When Lance groans, rocking his hips, Keith grasps him fully, giving a slow drag. Lance’s mouth falls open, face distorting with pleasure as he presses deeper, fucking himself on his fingers as he presses another inside. “Tighter,” Lance gasps, stomach clenching when Keith tightens his grip. He works himself open, scissoring his fingers until he can press a third inside. He wants more stimulation but it’s hard to press against his prostate from this angle.Keith’s free hand slides up and down Lance’s thigh, feeling the muscle quiver and tense. “Lance.” His voice comes out dry and he has to clear his throat, still watching as Lance pumps his fingers. Lance opens his eyes, looking down at Keith. He sees him watching and presses as deep as he can. “Wanna try?”Keith groans, the hand on Lance’s cock tightening as he nods. Lance pulls his fingers free, feeling empty as he does. He takes Keith’s hand and coats his fingers with the lubricant, guiding them boldly to his entrance. Keith flushes as he presses them against Lance. His body gives, drawing Keith’s fingers into him and Lance groans, hand still holding Keith’s wrist as he rocks.“Curl your fingers,” he gasps, cock bouncing in the air as he lifts and drops his hips. Keith does and Lance’s body arches like a drawn bowstring, quivering and tight. “God, right there. Again.” Keith does, sliding his fingers down and back up until Lance is whining and desperate. He doesn’t let up, other hand stroking Lance’s cock until he collapses into Keith’s chest with a shiver. “Stop,” he begs. “Stop, Keith-”Keith immediately freezes.“What did I do?”Lance shakes his head, sweaty hair sticking to his face. “Nothing,” he gasps. “Didn’t do anything wrong.” Keith pulls his fingers free and Lance whines again. “God, gonna cum,” he pants. Keith grins. “Yeah?”Lance nods, pressing his cheek to Keith’s chest. His thighs are burning. “Want you inside me.” Keith reaches for the condom, tearing open the package and rolling it on as Lance grabs what’s left of the lube, slicking him up. He shuffles forward, until they’re aligned, guiding Keith’s cock to his hole and pressing against it. He bites his lip, slowly sinking down a little at a time. Keith’s nails dig into Lance’s hips, leaving red lines behind. “Perfect,” Lance moans, “so perfect. Dios mio you’re so perfect .” He’s flush in Keith’s lap, their bodies pressed together and quivering as Lance adjusts. Keith strokes him slowly, trying to chase off whatever pain Lance might be feeling with pleasure. He slowly begins to rock, hands on Keith’s chest for leverage. He opens his eyes, staring down at him as he bounces on Keith’s cock, alternating pace and rhythm, repeating what makes Keith’s eyes roll into the back of his head or his breath hitch, clenching around him again and again. He pulls back far enough the head of Keith’s cock catches along his rim before dropping back down, hard, making them both groan. Keith arches up off the ground, forgetting to breathe and Lance does it again and again, pounding into his prostate as he does. Precum drips from the head of his cock over Keith’s fingers and his thighs burn. He bends forward, trying to ease the pain and Keith grabs Lance thighs, knifing up into him. Lance’s body clenches with a cry, his hand covering Keith’s on his cock and guiding it as Keith buries himself in Lance and cums. Lance squeezes the head of his cock with Keith’s fingers, Keith still thrusting into him shallowly, his other hand coming to cup Lance’s sac. He rolls his balls and Lance shudders, body twitching and shaking as he finally cums. It’s been too long since someone touched him and he never thought it would be Keith. His legs hurt as he lays across Keith’s chest, blinking back tears with a jagged gasp. Keith’s hand strokes up Lance’s sweat slicked back. “Lance?” “Ngh,” he manages, blinking back tears. “Hey.” Keith pushes at his shoulder and Lance props himself up, both of them groaning as Keith finally slips from him. “What’s wrong?”Lance shakes his head, wiping at his tears. He can’t get the words out so he just kisses Keith. “I love you,” he finally chokes. “More than I’ve ever loved anyone.” His features crease as he pinches his eyes shut. “God, you’re my whole heart Keith.” Keith feels tears prick at his own eyes and he forces himself to sit up, carrying half of Lance’s body weight with him. Lance shakes his head, his face buried against Keith’s throat. His chest aches with how much he loves Keith. It’s overwhelming. Keith kisses his shoulder, holding him close and cradling Lance. “I never thought you’d be mine,” Keith whispers. “You’re so out of my league.”Lance snorts. “You’re such a dumbass.”“I’m serious.” Lance sits back, pushing Keith’s hair out of his face. Keith searches Lance’s eyes, the lights from the flowers reflecting in his already impossibly blue eyes. “You could do so much better than me,” Keith whispers. It hurts to say but it’s true. “Bullshit,” Lance chokes, anger thick in his voice but more on Keith’s behalf than at him. “There is no better than you.”Keith’s heart flips and he feels tears wet his lashes when he blinks. Lance cups his face in his hands. “You make me happy,” he whispers. “Happier than I’ve ever been. You make me feel less alone. You’re the balance to all of my weaknesses.” He shakes his head slowly. “God I could take on the world if you’re with me,” Lance breathes. “You make the impossible possible. I’m so much stronger and braver when you’re with me. You make me confident. Not just fake confident but the real thing. I know you’ll always have my back.” He runs his hand over Keith’s hair. “When I reach for you, you will always be there. Always. That’s who you are.” Tears slip down his cheeks and Keith brushes them away. “You mean so much to me,” Lance cries. “I don’t think you’ll ever know-” Keith kisses him and holds Lance tight. “You’re my whole heart too,” he manages and Lance cries harder, overwhelmed with love and relief. ~They help one another dress, Lance blushing as Keith does his belt for him. Somehow it feels more intimate than the sex. Lance pulls him into a kiss, Keith dropping another to his mouth before he pulls away. They walk back to the castle ship hand in hand