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REMUS
I tuck the track uniform under my arm, thanking the coach and practically fleeing to the locker room. I can’t believe I let Lily talk me into trying out for track and field. I guess it’s a side effect of being friends...I’m not sure, I’ve never really had a friend before. At least, none that stuck around after they found out I'm gay.
My old school, they didn’t like people who were different. After years of being bullied and isolated, it came to a head this past spring. I spent all summer even more isolated than normal, recovering. Still, new school, new beginnings right? So when a friendly girl with fierce red hair volunteered to be my partner on a group project the second day of school, I really tried to set aside my fears and be friends. I didn’t know she was cheerleader incarnate. Who would have thought that? She made a blatant DnD reference in our first conversation!
I change into the uniform—maroon with gold trim—and make my way out to the track. I can see the cheerleaders gathering inside the track, and though my eyes automatically start scanning for red hair, I get distracted by movement in the bleachers.
Sirius Black. Token bad boy of Hogwarts. I’ve spent my entire two weeks here trying to figure out if he’s really a living embodiment of the Bad Boy Aesthetic, or if it’s just an elaborate facade. He’s sitting at the very top of the bleachers and leaning back on his elbows like he’s surveying his kingdom. I don’t know how he isn’t a puddle of sweat in that leather jacket, but he looks damn good. I swallow and force myself to turn away.
After try-outs, I spot Lily talking with Sirius and her boyfriend, James. This shouldn’t surprise me—everyone knows that James and Sirius are practically inseparable. In fact, I thought they were brothers when I first got here, which led to some confusion. Apparently Sirius does have a brother, but it isn’t James.
Still, when I see Lily start to look for me, I panic and bolt to the water table. She’s been trying to get me to officially meet her boyfriend and so far, I’ve successfully avoided it. I can barely handle being in history class with Sirius—how on earth could I be friends with him? I grab a towel and bury my face in it, in an attempt to calm my breathing. Running doesn’t usually make me this winded. (It wasn’t the running.)
I nearly jump out of my skin when someone touches my arm. “Fuck! Lily. Jesus, you scared me!” Her bell-giggles are joined by two baritones, and I look up into the laughing faces of James and Sirius. This is the closest I’ve ever been to Sirius, and I am suddenly, acutely aware that he’s even taller than me, and broader. James claps me on the shoulder.
“I like you already. I’m James—it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He holds out his hand.
After a brief hesitation, I shake it, but I simultaneously lean over and stage-whisper to Lily.
“Why is your boyfriend acting like my dad?”
This causes Sirius to laugh even harder, and my stomach decides to take up ballet. He swings one arm around James’s shoulders and ruffles his already wild, dark hair. “Jamie’s actually 47.” He tips his head toward me, and a lock of black hair falls in his face. I clutch my towel. “He got held back a bit.”
“Hey!” They’re wrestling at my feet.
Lily sighs resignedly and clears her throat. “I have to get back to try-outs.” The wrestling pauses, and she kisses James on the cheek.
It starts back up so suddenly that I have to jump out of the way. I am about to turn away when, just as abruptly as they started, they stand up, arms around each other.
“So, Remus! Are you finished jumping over things? Do you want to grab a bite?”
I stare at James, and it takes me several moments to process that he wants to hang out. With me. Presumably with Sirius, since they seem to be tied at the hip. And without Lily, since she’s still conducting try-outs. I feel my heartbeat start to speed up again.
“Er-I have homework.”
James nods solemnly, and he grasps my shoulder like we are comrades-in-arms. Sirius is watching me inscrutably.
“Duty first, my friend.” James turns, tugging Sirius with him.
Just as he’s pulled away, Sirius touches the side of his nose and points right at me.
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JAMES
I’m buried in my notes for AP biology when Sirius collapses on the foot of my bed. It happens so often that I don’t even look up.
“Can I help you?”
Incoherent moaning.
“Sirius, I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”
More grumbling. I wonder if Sirius could communicate more efficiently if he used neurotransmitters instead of English. I turn back to the diagram of B-cell antigen receptors.
“And did you see his little running shorts? God, I just want to-”
Sirius does this a lot—start talking halfway through a sentence, then stop randomly. Sometimes I think that he’s so used to being in control of himself all the time, and around me he doesn’t have to. I close my text book. “Are we talking about Remus?”
The sigh that escapes my brother would be more at home in the mouth of a sixteen-year-old girl. “Yes.”
“You realize that he was wearing the same uniform as the rest of the track team?”
Sirius turns to glare at me, but ends up tumbling off the edge of the bed. I snort.
“But he looks cute instead of ridiculous!”
After a moment, a small whine comes up from my floor. I climb out of bed and sit next to him. When he doesn’t continue, I gently tug at the tie holding his hair in that horrid bun. I’ve known Sirius since we were eleven, and every year I’m more convinced he’s actually a dog wearing the skin of a human. He shifts to give me access, and his eyes flutter closed.
“He’s got a scar, on his arm.”
I hum, my fingers automatically twisting his hair into braids. I often tell myself that I am practicing for when Lily needs my help with her hair. (She hasn’t yet. She probably never will.)
I know why Remus has that scar—Lily called me in tears about it on the second day of school. If Sirius hasn’t Googled Remus by now, it’s not my place to say.
I look down at Sirius. My friend, my brother, my other half. Lily really wasn’t kidding when she said she’d agreed to dating both of us. My mind supplies all the scars I’ve bandaged up and down Sirius’s back.
“Lily said he goes to GSA with her.” I say this as casually as I can manage.
He cracks one eye suspiciously. I’ve finished his braids, and I tie them all together with one band. Then I unceremoniously stand up, dumping him on the floor. “Go do your homework, Sirius.”
He flips me off as he stands, and I’ve already got my laptop open when he pauses in my doorway.
“It’s punk to go to GSA meetings, even if they’re school-sanctioned, right?”
I roll my eyes, but I can’t suppress my grin. “Get out.”
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REMUS
By the time I get home, I’m on the edge of panic, hands deep in my pockets. I loop twice around my cul-de-sac, trying to calm my body down before I get accosted by my mother, and I turn my worry stone over, and over, and over. I wonder if I could play this off as nerves from try-outs.
By some mercy, she’s fully occupied with dinner preparation, so she doesn’t look up when she tells me to be back in the kitchen in twenty minutes. I bolt past the kitchen and barricade myself in my room. There, leaning against my bedroom door, I allow reality to wash over me: Sirius Black knows I exist. And he laughed at one of my jokes.
I am seized by equal parts excitement and terror. I’ve never had a crush on someone at my school before. Not that Sirius is attainable—he’s basically the living embodiment of Badass Rebel. No one like that would want anything to do with someone who looks like me.But at least we go to the same school. My last boyfriend lived two towns over.
I glare at the cuffs of my long sleeve shirt and force my hands to unclench. My phone vibrates.
Lily (5:27pm): Hope you got home okay! Skype after dinner?
Remus: (5:27): Sure, I’ll be on.
I close my eyes, and my brain is filled with Sirius’s laughter, and his hair falling into his eyes. History is going to be hell tomorrow.
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REMUS
I slide into my desk, praying simultaneously that Sirius remembers and forgets me. I’m halfway through rearranging highlighters on my desk when his face comes into view, upside down. I automatically glance toward the door-- if Dorcas sees Sirius at her desk, she will freak out.
“Hello, Starshine.” His hair is loose, the ends nearly brushing the floor.
I feel my face heating. “Starshine?”
He grins. My stomach takes up salsa dancing. “I was going to say something wolf-related, but it seemed too on-the-nose.”
“I didn’t think you’d be one for Hair references.”
He glances around us. “It’s no wonder I never noticed you before—you’re all tucked into the corner.”
I shrug. “It’s the only left-handed desk in this classroom.”
Sirius’s hair brushes my arm as he whips upright, then spins around in his chair. “You’re left handed?”
“...yes.”
He stares at my left hand. It takes all of my self control not to pull my sleeve down even further. “That is so punk.”
“I don’t think that means what-” He’s pulling me out of my chair and shoving my desk toward the middle of the room. My highlighters roll off and scatter. When the chaos settles, I sigh and make my way over. At least he picked up my things.
“Isn’t this better?” He whispers as Mr. Binns begins writing on the board.
“I moved two columns over.” I can smell his shampoo.
“But you’re next to me now!”
“Mr. Black!” Sirius bolts upright. “Is there a problem?”
Sirius winks at me. “I’ll say! Did you know there is only one left-handed desk in this classroom? It’s discrimination!”
I sink lower and lower into my chair, silently willing Sirius to shut up. But I know it’s useless—he has never shut up before, when he’s gone on a rant about queer representation in history, or how our history books are whitewashed.
“Mr. Black, this is a topic that should be brought to the school board, and not my history class.”
He falls blissfully silent. After a few moments, I chance looking over—he’s staring at me, and I feel like an amoeba under a microscope.
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LILY
Remus made the track team. He seemed really surprised, and I can’t help but wonder what horrible school he must have gone to before, to think he wouldn’t make it. I watched his entire try-out. Well, I mostly watched Sirius watch Remus, because as much as I love that boy, he is T-R-O-U-B-L-E, and Remus doesn’t need any more of that.
The headmaster told me why Remus transferred—I guess that’s a privilege I have, being the president of the Gay Straight Alliance. He thought Remus might need some extra help adjusting to being a student here. I wasn’t expecting to find myself an extra best friend, but it already feels like he’s been a part of my life forever.
I make my way toward Dr. McGonagall’s classroom and arrange the desks for the GSA meeting. When other students start arriving, I move to greet them at the door. Remus is one of the first. I have to stand on tiptoe to hug him, and even though he tenses, he looks quite pleased when I pull back.
There’s a whole group of freshmen who come in, and I want to hug each one of them—they all look half terrified, half bewildered. And then I see Sirius, leaning against the lockers, watching me. I used to think he was the living embodiment of a James Dean poster, but I know better now—he’s soft on the inside. I glance into the room to check that Remus is deeply engrossed in his book. Once the hall is empty, Sirius saunters over.
“Finally decide we were worthy of you, Sirius?”
“You know it’s not like that, Lily.”
“You only come to meetings when you’re looking to get laid.” I watch his eyes dart past me. “Hey. Stay away from Remus.”
“But-”
I press my finger into his chest. “You are chaotic good, at best, Sirius. Remus is not a one night stand. I will not let you hurt him.”
He opens his mouth, then closes it. “May I come in?”
I sigh, but step aside. “Just stay away from him, alright?”
“You can’t tell me who I can be friends with, Evans.”
“You know what I mean.” I glare at his back, but he picks a seat several spaces away from Remus, so I make my way to the front of the class to start the meeting.
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SIRIUS
I don’t listen to anything Lily or McGonagall say during the meeting. Instead, I spend the entire hour drawing Remus in my sketchbook, and my hands are black with charcoal by the time it’s over. His eyes are too bright for grey, and I get angry that I didn’t bring my pastels. His eyes make me want to pull out my oil paints. I don’t even particularly like oil paints, but their green color could only be justified with oil paints. Certainly not charcoal, anyway. But I can’t bring oil paints to the next GSA meeting.
Next time. Will I come next time? Lily was out for blood, even though she let me in. I want to be angry with her, but I know why. I was a fucking mess last year, throwing myself at anyone who looked my way, trying to hurt my parents through hurting myself.
I’m better now.
At least, I think so. James seems less worried, which is a good sign. But that might be mostly because I sleep down the hall from him every night now.
I watch the other students file out, and suddenly notice that I’m alone with Lily and Remus. They are standing by the door, discussing homework. Remus has a curl that has fallen in front of his face, and I have an almost overwhelming urge to push it back. As I start packing up my charcoal, it dawns on me that they are blocking the door-which means I have to either interrupt them, or wait until they’re finished. My brain immediately starts categorizing which would pull more ire from Lily.
“Can you come by this afternoon? I’m really struggling with this Lord of the Flies analysis.”
Remus laughs, and it washes over me like hot water. “I can Skype you. You know how my parents are with unexpected plans.” I try really hard not to stare, but I can’t help but notice the way he tugs his left sleeve down. Once again, I wonder where that scar came from, and also what it’s like to have parents who care. I’ve forgotten to close my sketchbook, and the page filled with doodles of Remus rips when I shove it in my bag. Lily hugs him. I push the torn paper into the inside pocket of my leather jacket, and stomp across the classroom.
They both look up at me, and Lily narrows her eyes while Remus bites his lip. I flash them with my trademark grin, and gently tap Lily on the shoulder with my knuckles. “See you, Evans. Remus.” I can’t help but brush against Remus’s chest as I push between them, and my arm tingles all the way to James’s car.
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REMUS
By the time I get home, I regret not asking if I could go to Lily’s. My parents are arguing again—it must be about money because they stop as soon as I open the door. My mom rushes over and begins to fuss. It must have been a pretty bad argument.
I dodge her and trudge up to my room under the guise of homework, but by the time I make it, I just collapse on the bed. I can still feel Sirius’s arm brushing against my chest, and I still can’t decide if he did it on purpose. I allow myself to indulge in wondering for a few more minutes, then I haul myself up and into the bathroom. This scar cream is supposed to help with the red angry-ness, but I can’t tell if it’s working or not. My phone goes off.
Lily (5:37): Skype?
Remus (5:37): be on in a sec
I’m not supposed to put clothes on until it’s completely dry, but I can’t handle my parents’ faces when they see it. I pull on an old sweatshirt and bring dinner back to my room. Lily is already online. We slog through Lord of the Flies, and I can tell she has something on her mind. Or maybe she’s just noticed that I have something on mind. (Someone.)
I don’t know how Lily and James can function under Sirius’s gaze. It makes me feel like I’m being x-rayed, or under an interrogation lamp.
“Remus?”
Shit. She probably asked me a question. I can see her wanting to reach through the computer screen and hug me. She does that a lot—hug me. At first I thought it was some kind of pity thing, because she knows, but she’s just that way. If she likes you, she hugs you. She hugs Sirius a lot too, even though she glares at him just as much. I smile at her. “Sorry, just been a long day. What?”
She raises an eyebrow, but thankfully lets it go. “It’s alright. Boys don’t make any sense to me either.”
Is she talking about Sirius, or Lord of the Flies? I open my mouth, then close it. Then, before I can lose my nerve, I open it again. “Is Sirius gay?”
She narrows her eyes, then starts to grin, and I can feel my cheeks heating. “Why do you ask?”
I spin my worry stone on the corner of my laptop. “He’s never come to a GSA meeting before.” Even through the computer screen, I can feel her studying me. The only other person who can do that is my mother.
“He is gay. But he doesn’t typically believe in school-sanctioned programs.” She narrows her eyes at me again. “Do you like him, Remus?”
“I hear my mom calling! Got to go!” I slam my laptop shut. I can hear her calling for me as it closes. I lean my head against the back of my desk chair and close my eyes. That was a stupid thing to do. No, it wasn’t. Ugh.
My phone vibrates. I know it’s Lily, even with my eyes closed. She’s the only person who texts me, besides my parents. I open my eyes.
It’s Instagram. SiriuslyAMarauder wants to follow me.
My first instinct is to delete it. My Instagram feed is mostly terrible photographs of things I think are beautiful: a flower growing through concrete, the perfect alignment of a shadow against a curb, things like that. It took Lily three days to convince me to give her my handle. I ignore it instead, and open up my laptop to start my homework.
Skype is still open, and the moment my computer finishes loading, Lily is calling. I automatically answer it.
“Remus, I cannot believe you hung up on me!”
I stare at her. “Sorry.”
Her brow furrows. “Are you okay?”
I shrug. I don’t know if I’m okay. I can’t seem to get my brain to work right. “Sirius found me on Instagram.”
She snorts, and it’s such a shocking noise that it jolts me. I start to giggle. “Oh, Remus.” She giggles too. After a moment, we quiet, and her bright eyes turn sober. “Rem...it’s okay. Nothing is going to happen to you here.”
I nod. That was the whole point of transferring—aside from the fact that Hogwarts gave me a full scholarship. But they also have the most active GSA of any school in the city, which is why I’m not being homeschooled for my senior year. And Lily is the leader. So if she says it’s safe, then it probably is. I spin my worry stone around again.
“Last year, we had two prom queens.”
I smile. “You told me.”
She presses her fingers to her lips, then to her webcam. “Good night, Remus. Go do your homework.”
“Yes, mum.” I grin, and she sticks her tongue out at me. This time, I wait for her to hang up before I start my homework.
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REMUS
Nothing Sirius Black does makes any sense. At least, that’s the only logical conclusion. It’s been ten days since he officially became aware of my existence. There are times when I’m almost certain he’s flirting—like when he occupied fifteen minutes of history documenting all the people we had studied that were left handed, the day after he rearranged the desks. Even though he was speaking to the whole class, he kept looking at me. He showed up to the next GSA meeting, but he didn’t even acknowledge that I was there. And when he follows James to greet Lily before practice, he barely speaks to anyone. I get the feeling that the way he acts is a performance. I don’t know if he’s trying to fool us, or himself.
But it’s Friday afternoon, which means I have the whole Sirius-free weekend to think about him before he has another chance to do something else confusing. I change into my track uniform and head out to do the one thing I’m best at: run.
As soon as Coach blows her whistle, the wind starts ripping thoughts out of my head. Every stomp on the pavement shakes another one loose, until the only thing I am aware of is the burning in my legs and the bite in my lungs-the one that says autumn is on its way.
By the time practice is over, I’m drenched in sweat. Hardly looking, I grab a towel and head to the showers. The water slowly pours the thoughts back into my head. By the time I’m heading back outside, all my walls are back in place.
I nearly knock over Lily, when I push open the door. Her fingers grip my arm for balance, and I try not to wince.
“Hey! We were just waiting for you!”
I extract my arm from her, then look up. James and Sirius are standing behind her. I smile politely. Sirius smiles sheepishly back. James throws his arm around my shoulders. “Remus! Lily mentioned you don’t get out much.”
She has the decency to look embarrassed when I glare at her. James squeezes my shoulders, and I find myself unsettled by his grin. This is a kid who is used to getting what he wants, and I know it’s going to get me in trouble one day. I wonder why I thought it was a good idea to make friends this year.
“We’re having a little gathering at my house tonight, and we would be honored if you joined us.”
I shake my head. “I don’t really do parties.” James looks like he’s going to protest. “My parents don’t really let me go out much.”
Sirius furrows his brow. “Come on, Remus! Don’t let your parents control—OW!” Lily kicks him in the shin, and I catch her signature glare. James’s arm feels hot against my back.
I close my eyes. “How many people will be there?”
James answers. “Well, if you come, four.”
This was not what I expected. I look at Lily, and the confusion must show on my face, because the look she gives me makes me feel like a kid.
“It’s just us.” She gives James an odd look.
The door behind us opens, and the Prewett twins tumble out. Gideon musses my hair, even though he has to stretch up to do so. “Just confirming that we’ll pick you up for the meet tomorrow.” I nod.
Fabian, ever the faithful team captain, sweeps a finger across James, Sirius and Lily. “It’s a home meet. Come support us!”
Gideon wiggles his hips. “You know we have the best uniform of all the school teams.”
James snorts, glancing down at Lily’s cheer uniform. “I don’t know about that.” Sirius exaggeratedly rolls his eyes.
“You’re too busy staring at Lily to notice anyone else’s uniforms.”
James releases me to hook Sirius around the neck, which is rather comical, as Sirius is several inches taller. They wrestle for a few moments, until Sirius escapes.
“Well, I know Sirius appreciates our uniform, anyway.” Gideon winks as he and his brother walk away. Sirius shrugs. After a moment, Lily looks pointedly from James to me.
James clears his throat. “My mom is happy to talk to your parents, if that would help.”
It’s clear they discussed this before even talking to me, but even so, I’m reaching for my phone. We do the phone dance-I talk to my mom, then James, then Lily (I think my mom trusts Lily more than she trusts me). Then James gives her his mom’s number, and we wait for her to call me back. Sirius is silent the entire time, and he watches us like one might observe a foreign ritual—respectful, but confused.
My mom calls back to give her approval, but is very insistent that I stay on the Potters’ property. This is odd, even for her. When I mention it, Lily starts laughing, and James looks slightly embarrassed.
“Well, we were planning on a picnic, since the weather is so nice.”
“A picnic. Like, in the backyard?”
Sirius snorts into his hand. Lily tugs on my arm, and we start walking toward the parking lot.
“We have a fair bit of property.”
Sirius, who had just gotten himself under control, started giggling again.
Lily answered, this time. “There’s a lake out back, we usually have our picnics on the shore.”
James stumbles when Sirius shoves his shoulder. I am somewhat impressed by James’s ability to glare over his shoulder while talking to me.
“We own the lake.”
I stop walking. Sirius crashes into me. “You own a lake.”
Lily tucks her arm into mine and propels me forward. She leans up, like she’s going to whisper, but she uses her regular voice. “It has an island.”
We finally stop in front of a silver Lexus. Sirius jumps onto the trunk, and James pushes him off. “It has a boat!”
Lily, who had walked around to the passenger side, stands on the running board to look over the roof at me. “It’s a swan boat.”
“Oh, for the love of Benji, get in the car!”
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SIRIUS
Because I am a respectful person, I don’t fight Lily for the front seat. If she finds this suspicious, she doesn’t say anything. James is blasting the usual Hindi pop, and I take the opportunity to study Remus. He’s staring out the window, one hand curled around the strap of his bag, even as it’s wedged between his feet. Lily does the same thing, when we are on public transportation. I wonder if he does it out of circumstance, or trauma.
By the time we get home, my stomach is in knots. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act around Remus—Lily keeps confusing me. She must know I like him. Surely she doesn’t think I’d hurt him on purpose. Does she?
Ms. Potter is on the front porch when we pull up, her gold-and-red saree shimmering in the afternoon sun. She greets us warmly, and I take a moment to remind myself that this is normal—that my family is the odd one out. Usually, when Lily comes over, I lay near her and James and draw, just to bask in the edge of their puppy love. But I’m too nervous that I’ll only end up sketching Remus, or that he’ll ask me if he can look through my sketchbook—the last few pages are filled with him. I leave my sketchbook and my bag on the stairs as we make our way to the back.
Soon, we are sprawled on the lake shore, entertaining Remus with tales of our tomfoolery. His deep laughter reverberates in my chest, and I have to resist the urge to press my ear against his stomach to get even closer to the sound. I roll onto my front and try to control my twitchy fingers. They really want to draw. He’s laying next to me, and even though we’re not actually touching, I can feel heat from his skin. Our eyes meet. James’s voice sounds like it’s coming through a wall, and I nearly jump out of my skin when he touches my shoulder.
“Mom’s packed our dinner so we can picnic. Come on.”
I rise, trying not to seem too rushed, and follow my brother back toward the house.
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LILY
I’m quite certain Sirius hasn’t been listening to any part of our conversation—the only time he’s this still is when he’s too stuck in his own head to be aware of the real world. Sometimes, it’s something bad, like his parents. But judging from the way he keeps staring at Remus, I don’t think that’s the case tonight.
Remus keeps glancing at Sirius, too. So, when they were distracted by laughing, I whispered to James that he’d promised me an island picnic.
He’s really rather ridiculous. He has these completely over-the-top ideas about how romance should be, and his family has the money to back it up. It bothered me a lot, when we first started dating. I’m not one for grand gestures. Still, he’s been mentioning wanting to take me out to the island for a while now, and jumped at the opportunity to text his mom that we want a picnic dinner.
As soon as James and Sirius are out of earshot, I roll onto my stomach. Remus is still watching Sirius walk away. I clear my throat.
“So. Anything you’d like to share?”
His eyes widen and his skin pales slightly under his freckles. “What?”
I grin. And wait. It only takes a few moments before he curls up, covering his face with his hands.
“Oh my god, was I that obvious?”
“Probably only to me.”
He peeks out from behind his fingers. “You sure?”
I pat his shoulder. “He likes you too.” Then I push myself up and dust off my knees. “James and I are going to have a romantic island picnic, so you two play nice.”
Remus is still gaping at me when James and Sirius come back, carrying two picnic baskets. I wait until James has loaded up the swan boat with ours, then I lean in to give Sirius a hug. “He likes you,” I whisper in his ear.
I can feel Sirius and Remus watching me from shore all the way to the island.
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REMUS
I can’t decide if I love Lily, or if she is the devil incarnate. I can see her outline in the gazebo, allowing James to fuss over her.
Sirius clears his throat. “Right. Food?”
He’s holding a blanket, so I help him spread it out, and then unload the picnic basket. I don’t recognize any of the dishes, and Sirius names and describes each one for me. They taste even better than they smell.
Sirius has taken off his jacket, and when he gestures, I notice circular scars on his arms. He doesn’t seem to care about exposing them. I fight the urge to pull my sleeves down over my hands. The wind carries Lily’s laughter across the lake, and I smile at her silhouette.
“They look like they should be in a movie.”
Sirius flops back on the blanket. “James is a living rom com. He gets it from his dad.” He gestures around us. “Fleamont built all of this just for Effie. Because Potters show their love through ridiculously grand gestures.” He pauses a moment, and when I look over, he’s staring up at the first stars. “They took me in, you know. Last summer.”
I feel like I should point out that I didn’t know Sirius existed last summer, but I’m afraid if I speak, he’ll stop. This is the first time he hasn’t sounded like he’s performing.
He points at the sky. “That’s my star.”
I lay down, shifting so my head is level with his shoulder. I think it’s so I can look exactly where he’s pointing, but I can’t convince myself. His arm brushes my cheek.
“I’m supposed to be the leader, right? The brightest star. But my family would only let me shine if I followed them. But they’re pretty shit, so I left.” His voice is quiet, and I’m not really sure if he’s telling me, or himself. I wonder how anyone who goes to such a wonderful school could have a horrible family, but then I remember the group Lily warned me about. The old money families, who send their kids to Hogwarts because of tradition and elitism. I turn my worry stone over in my pocket.
Sirius shifts beside me, and I freeze. He must have felt my fingers move in my pocket. “What are you doing?” His voice sounds like he’s smiling, at least. I sheepishly pull the stone out of my pocket and drop it on his chest. Then I sit up, so I can watch his finger trace the carved letters while pretending to stare at the ground. “Hope?”
“When I was in second grade, I used to pull the stitching out of my shirts when I was nervous, so my mom gave me this stone in hopes that she’d stop having to mend my clothes. She thought she was being funny—her name is Hope.” He grins at me, and I can’t help but smile back. His fingers brush my palm as he returns the stone. I wonder if it’s possible for skin to spontaneously combust.
I hear him shifting. As I look up, I’m enveloped by the weight and scent of leather. He’s grinning sheepishly, and I can feel my heart speeding up.
“You looked cold.”
His shoulders are broader than mine, so when I put my arms through the sleeves, they come down partially over my palms. Then he’s tugging me down, tucking my head into his shoulder. I can’t think of any reason to protest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LILY
It really was a lovely island picnic, and I feel a little guilty for fighting with James so long about it. He rows me back across the lake, and as we pull up to the dock, I see that Remus and Sirius have fallen asleep. We climb out of the boat, and James wraps his arms around my shoulders as we look at the boys—I almost feel like a proud parent. I shake my head and bend down to wake up Remus.
“Rem, come on. It’s time for James to take us home.” He blinks up at me, and I get to watch his brain come to life in real time. He stretches and rubs one eye, then stares down at the leather sleeve. Sirius grumbles a protest, and curls tighter around Remus.
Eventually, James and I manage to extract Remus and herd him into the car. Sirius stumbles into the back seat at the last minute, and flops himself over so his head is resting on Remus’s thigh. I pretend not to notice Remus carding his fingers through Sirius’s hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REMUS
I don’t notice that I’m still wearing Sirius’s jacket until I wake up in it the next morning. The sun is shining through my window, so I know Mom has been in to open my curtains. I debate on whether I should take off the jacket before I head downstairs, but at the last moment, decide to keep it on. She probably already saw it, anyway, and it makes me feel safer somehow.
Mom is humming while she’s making pancakes. I slump into a chair and she places a glass of orange juice in front of me when she kisses the top of my head.
“Good morning, pumpkin. Did you have a nice time last night?”
“Mmhmm.” I take a sip of juice, and it starts to wake me up a bit.
She starts plating the pancakes. “You know, Ms. Potter is on the board of that homeless LBGT youth group downtown.” She’s made the pancakes into zoo animals, like she used to do when I was a kid. I grin as I dunk an elephant’s ear into my dish of syrup. “Are you still interested in volunteering there?”
“Huh? Oh. Yeah. Maybe over break?” My phone starts vibrating, and I fish it out of my jeans pocket. It’s my alarm—My meet is in an hour. I finish my pancakes, and head upstairs to change. I slip Sirius’ jacket on over my uniform and call goodbye to my parents as I shove my hands in the pockets.
I feel a piece of paper next to my phone, and without thinking, pull it out and unfold it. There are nearly a dozen sketches of my own face—in profile, looking up, looking down, and a pair of eyes near the bottom. Need color is scrawled underneath them. I stare for several moments before I remember I’m supposed to be walking to meet the Prewett twins. Their bright blue jeep turns the corner. I shove the paper back in my pocket just as they pull up beside me.
Fabian cranes his neck from the passenger seat, staring like I’ve grown a second head. I buckle in. “What.”
“Is that Sirius Black’s jacket?”
Gideon, who had started to pull away, slams on the breaks and whips his head to look at me. “It sure is, brother.”
I can feel my cheeks heating, and I pretend it’s from the wind. After several beats, Fabian holds out a fist. I bump it with mine. They turn around.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIRIUS
I can’t sleep. Of course, I slept fine out on the picnic blanket, tangled up with Remus. When we get back from dropping off Remus and Lily, I bolt to my room. Ten minutes later James knocks on my door. I pretend to be asleep—I know he wants to talk about feelings and I’m terrible at that.
By 4AM, I’ve entered every track practice and meet into my calendar. I close my eyes, and I can feel his curls tickling my nose. Red-and-gold running shorts dart behind my eyelids.
Fuck.
The sun streams through my window, and I untangle myself from my sheets. I go through the motions of Saturday morning. Without ever consciously deciding, I make my way to school. My eyes immediately find Remus’s curls in the huddle. I watch Fabian bully him into doing a bizarre hand shake that seems to be a team ritual. Remus lines up and bends over. I should sit on that end of the bleachers next meet. I can’t believe I never noticed how long his legs are—how is he that much shorter than me? He comes in first. I have to resist cheering.
James (9:27): Dude. Where are you? Mom said you went to school. It’s Saturday.
Sirius (9:27): track meet
James (9:33): :D ;D
I miss the whole second race because Remus is stretching on the side of the track. He runs twice more. I wonder if they rank high school students like they do for the Olympics. I lose track of him while the spectators file out, but then I hear his laughter coming from near the school.
He’s still wearing my jacket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REMUS
For three weeks, Sirius is at every practice and every track meet, but he spends the whole time doing something in a notebook—I assume drawing. He sits high on the bleachers, and every time I look up, he’s looking at his lap. Still, I can’t help but feel like his eyes are glued to me when I run. Fabian and Gideon keep grinning and winking at me.
It took me several days to figure out that they think Sirius and I are together—I can feel my cheeks heating just thinking about it. I certainly wouldn’t say no—what kind of gay would I be if I did? This boy looks like he walked out of a magazine. But still...it’s a bit overwhelming to exist in a space where people know I’m gay and...well...almost celebrate it. It’s more than just not caring.
I fall into a friendship with James, and spend Friday nights hanging out at the Potters’. I make sure not to fall asleep again. Sirius hasn’t asked for his jacket back. It’s tucked under my pillow, and when I lay down my bed smells like Sirius.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LILY
Sometimes, I am surprised at my own brilliance. Remus fits so perfectly into our group, it’s like he’s been with us for years instead of just this semester. Everything is going perfectly until the end of September—that’s when Homecoming insanity hits. I should know this, I have been on the Homecoming committee every year—but somehow, I always forget. Still, I manage to wrangle Remus into joining our group outing plans. He even fits in one of James’s old suits.
I know I’m kind of being a homecoming-zilla but this is our senior year and it has got to be perfect. So it’s not really surprising when I go off on Sirius the weekend before. And really, I was justified—just because the dance theme is “Fly Me To The Moon” does not mean he should cosplay Ziggy Stardust. Halloween is in two weeks.
Just because I was irritated doesn’t mean I didn’t notice the way he kept glancing over my shoulder, and I know he wasn’t looking at James. They’ve been doing this weird flirting dance and I can’t decide if I want to set them up, or forbid them from ever speaking. Still...Remus fits so nicely. My inner rom com would love this happily ever after—four best friends, two couples. So I hold my tongue.
I’m trying to make sure everything is loaded for the game tonight, but my brain feels like it’s scattered across the quad. I stare blankly into the back of the bus. All at once, I am overwhelmed by the scent of pine and chai a moment before arms wrap around my chest. I turn instinctively toward James, and bury my face in his shoulder.
“Hey.” He rubs his thumbs across my shoulders, and it’s like he’s wiping away the tension. “How can I help?”
We stand in silence for a minute, and I just breathe. Then I pull back and gesture toward the bus. “I’m sure I’ve forgotten something.”
He grins at me. “Go get your list.” He’s already climbing into the bus. I dig out my list, and he climbs around, confirming that I’ve packed everything my brain insisted I’d forgotten. Then he climbs back out and kisses me on the cheek. “You’re going to be great, love. I’m so proud of you.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REMUS
I don’t know how Lily talked me into going to the homecoming game. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a football game in my life. But at this school, they recognize not just the seniors on the football team, but the cheerleaders and members of the band too. It’s like some bizarre high school alternate universe where different cliques still respect each other. Still, I love Lily. So I am enduring this antiquated teenage tradition for her.
Or, I will be, if James ever shows up so I could get a ride to the game. I didn’t change out of my track uniform, I just rushed out here—and now he’s not here. Should I go look for him? No. I should just stay here, by his car. Anxiety is twisting my stomach as I turn the stone in my pocket. Well, Sirius’s pocket. I wonder if Sirius has an extra coat, or if he’ll be cold. I should have brought my own coat, and his to return. Why didn’t I think about that this morning?
I need to find James. Maybe there’s enough time to swing by my house. Is Sirius coming? He wasn’t at my practice this afternoon. Not that he has to be at my practice. Obviously. But he always had been before. I wonder if I did something to upset him? I need to find James.
I take a breath. James has been glued to Lily more than usual the last week. Lily is probably getting the cheer squad ready for the game. I cut through the school to get to the back parking lot.
As soon as I open the door, I hear Ed Sheeran. I pause. James and Lily are slow dancing beside the cheer bus, Perfect pouring out of the speakers of his phone. I back into the building and close the door as quietly as possible. I’ll just wait for James by the car.
On the other side of the school, I open the door to a torrent of homophobic slurs. My heart immediately starts pounding, and I wipe my hands on my jeans.
“You’re just a fucking kiss ass.”
Wait—that sounds like Sirius.
“I’d rather kiss someone else’s ass than take a dick up mine.”
At the end of the sidewalk, Sirius’s back is to me, and it’s almost as if he’s standing in front of a mirror—the boy in front of him looks so much like him. He’s a bit shorter, though, and the bone structure that makes my knees weak on Sirius makes this boy look like he’s eaten a lemon.
I am torn between backing up and running to Sirius’ defense. They’re still arguing, but they’ve switched to another language. I can see the tension in Sirius’ back as the other boy spits at his feet. Sirius half-cocks his fist just as a car pulls up. He slinks behind a pillar. My whole body tenses as our eyes lock. The car door slams. I flinch and drop my gaze.
“I’m sorry, Sirius, I-” His boots move into view. I swallow. His fingers brush the lapel of my—his—jacket.
“It looks good on you.”
My face burns. I wipe my hands on my jeans again.
“You coming to the game?”
I nod, and I can almost feel him smile. His fingers run down the sleeve of the jacket and tangle with mine. I stare at our contrasting fingers with a mixture of awe and horror. His hand is so warm. There’s no one around, I tell myself. It’s okay here. But my mind keeps replaying the scene I just witnessed and the words swirl around—
“Come on. We can wait for James by the car.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIRIUS
I don’t know what I was thinking, holding Remus’ hand. But as my hand starts to fall away, he recaptures it, so I pull him up onto the hood of James’ car.
“Told you my family is shitty.”
“Was that your brother?”
I talk to the sky so I don’t have to face him. “We have the same bio parents.” I can feel his heartbeat where our wrists are pressed together. “They thought they could beat the gay out of me.” His breath hisses through his teeth, and I smile a little. “It’s okay now, though. I have the Potters.”
In the silence, it feels like my blood is rushing in my ears. I’ve never actually had to tell this story before—everyone I’ve known until now was there when it happened.
“I was attacked, last spring.”
I prop myself up on my elbow, and when my shadow falls across him he opens his eyes. It dawns on me suddenly—his eyes match Monet’s The Water Lily Pond. I stare at a print of it every morning at breakfast. My jacket has pulled at the collar of his shirt, and I can see the end of a red scar on his collarbone. He fingers it absently.
“The school I went to before...the people there were really shitty. I got outed, and some of them decided that I was trying to hit on them. They attacked me with a knife.”
My mouth opens and closes. I stop half a dozen versions of “I’m so sorry” and “that’s horrible”—all the things people said to me when I ran away from home that just made me more angry and embarrassed. Instead, I brush a curl away from his forehead, and press my hand against his cheek. “I really want to kiss you.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REMUS
My heart starts pounding again. Most of my brain screams yes! While the rest wonders who can see us and what will happen. I can’t seem to make my mouth move—or pull my eyes away from his lips. I nod.
The last corner of my brain shuts up as I’m surrounded by Sirius and warm and wonderful. I sigh against his lips and he chuckles. My thumb brushes over his wrist, and I find one of the circle scars I noticed before. He presses his forehead against mine.
“I’m glad you transferred,” He mutters, and I nod again.
“Me too.”
There is a shriek of “James!” from across the parking lot, and we sit up to see James carrying a squirming Lily princess-style across the parking lot. I slide off the car, and feel almost cold after being surrounded by Sirius. James sets Lily down, and she brushes off her uniform indignantly.
“Well, now I will walk all the way back to the bus. Thank you, James.” Though she is clearly suppressing a smile.
James waves his hand as he unlocks the car. “Nah, I’ll drive you around. Come on.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JAMES
Remus and Sirius are nearly silent as we drive to the stadium. I try to gauge what’s going on at stoplights, but it isn’t until I park that I piece together what I’m seeing. Sirius looks happy. Not the terrified excitement of moving in with me, not the euphoria of pulling off a good prank. Just...content. Relaxed, almost.
It starts to make me nervous until Remus gets out of the back seat, and my brain lights up like a carnival game. Remus is wearing Sirius’s jacket. I rush ahead of them, and when I reach the end of the line, I glance back. Their pinkies are linked. I might vomit. Instead, I text Lily.
James (5:19): They are holding hands
Lily (5:27): Who?
Lily (5:27): SIRIUS AND REMUS???
James (5:28): yeah
She sends back way too many heart eye emojis. I make my way to my regular spot, right in front of the cheerleaders. When I catch Lily’s eye, I blow her a kiss. She rolls her eyes at me, but then she blows one back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REMUS
For the first time in my life, I am looking forward to attending a school dance. My mom seems to have let go of her fears and fully embraced the embarrassing-weepy-parent role. She’s spent the last hour making me walk around the yard and taking a zillion photos. Blissfully, James pulls up just as I reach my limit.
Lily looks stunning in her navy sequined gown, her long hair pinned away from her face and spilling down her back. She steps away from the car to hug my mother just as Sirius climbs out.
He buttons his charcoal jacket and shakes his shoulders to settle it back into place. He runs a hand through his loose hair, and I gain a sudden appreciation for fitted suits. He grins when his gaze settles on me, and my heart thumps against my chest.
He frowns, and strides over. My brain starts supplying things that could be wrong-that I might have done wrong.
“Remus, you can’t wear a four-in-hand knot to homecoming.” I blink at him. He is undoing my tie, and retying it. He runs his hand down my chest, presumably smoothing out the silk. It makes my skin tingle. I can’t help my smile. “It needs to be at least a half Windsor.”
Sirius is brushing off my shoulders now, and I can’t help but lean in to mutter, “Are ties punk rock, Sirius?”
He swats my shoulder gently just as my mom demands more pictures. Lily winks at me as she walks over, and I roll my eyes, then sling my arm around her shoulders. After group pictures, solo pictures, and couples pictures (enough, Mom!), James begins to complain about being hungry, and my mother finally releases us from her tear-stained camera.
Sirius holds my hand in the car on the way to dinner. We don’t touch as we walk in, but he pulls his chair over so our legs brush throughout dinner. James knocks over his water glass. It’s so normal—two couples out to dinner before the homecoming dance. We are back in the car and halfway back to school before I even notice that I hadn’t panicked at all. Everything just felt...right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIRIUS
Everything is not alright, and it’s all I can do to keep my cool. Regulus and a couple of his friends were in the parking lot of the restaurant, and even though I can’t see their car anymore, the pit of my stomach is filled with rocks. I watch the streetlights illuminate Remus. The blue in his suit really brings out his eyes. For the first time, he looks completely relaxed.
We arrive at the dance, and I hook Remus’s hand. “You look great,” I whisper, looking over his shoulder to see if Regulus is in the parking lot.
His fingers brush against my knuckles, and he whispers, “you, too” back. We make our way inside, and Alice Fortescue and Frank Longbottom accept our tickets. The gym has been bedazzled with stars and rocket ships and a giant full moon.
Remus doesn’t want to dance, but if I sit on the bleachers I’m going to go insane trying to figure out if my brother is here. I manage to drag him out under the guise of teaching, and we soon get lost together, stepping on toes and laughing. A slow song comes on, and just as I settle us into a rhythm, someone taps me on the shoulder.
“I don’t allow cut-ins.”
Remus chuckles into my shoulder. We turn slowly, and Alice Fortescue comes into view.
“As much as I would love to dance with Remus, I’m a taken woman.” She leans in and whispers in my ear. “Frank saw what happened yesterday. He just barred Regulus from attending the dance.” She smiles and walks away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REMUS
I pull back slightly, and try to decipher the look on Sirius’ face. “Everything okay?”
He nods, and pulls me back in. Just when I think he isn’t going to explain, he repeats Alice.
“Can Frank do that?”
Sirius shrugs. “He’s student council president.”
We dissolve into giggles, and I can see Lily raising her eyebrows at me from where her head is resting on James’ shoulder. I allow Sirius to dip me at the end of the song. I even manage to not claw at his arms, and he doesn’t drop me. He tugs me over to the refreshments table, and we get lost in laughing and talking and brushing against each other.
We watch Frank and Alice be crowned homecoming king and queen, and dance some more. I even manage to stop stepping on Sirius’ feet so much.
By the time we are back at my house, I feel giddy and half-drunk. Sirius walks me up the front steps, his fingers brush the inside of my wrist. I press my forehead against his.
“I really want to invite you to stay. I don’t think my parents will allow it.”
He kisses the corner of my mouth, and I close my eyes. After a few more kisses, I open them again.
“May I take you on a date, tomorrow?”
“Yes, please.” He kisses my cheek, and I fumble to unlock the door. “Goodnight, Sirius.”
“See you tomorrow.”
As I shut the door behind me, I hear him walking back toward the car. “Hey! James! I need to borrow the car tomorrow!”
I lean against the doorframe, and I can’t help my grin. Everything isn’t going to be okay-it already is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REMUS-7 MONTHS LATER
I finish packing my overnight bag and throw it in the trunk of Dad’s car. My graduation robes billow around me, and I feel like a wizard.
“Mom, will you please stop crying?” I groan as I slide into the back seat. She tuts and dabs at her eyes with a tissue.
Thankfully, she’s stopped by the time we get to the stadium. I immediately spot James, Lily and Sirius—they are being fussed over by both Ms. Potter and Ms. Evans. We push our way through students and family members, and Ms. Potter immediately pulls Mom in for a hug. All the mothers start crying.
Lily kisses my cheek, and then nudges me toward Sirius. He automatically reaches toward my tie, grumbling about tie knots. I allow him his fussing, and then kiss him.
“All graduating seniors, please make your way to the field.”
Sirius squeezes my hand. He and Lily go one way. James and I head the other. Dumbledore makes a cliched speech about setting off on new, grander adventures. James’s salutatorian speech makes everyone laugh, and part way through Lily’s valedictorian speech, I start tearing up. I never dreamt that I would be sad about the end of high school, but here we are.
I cheer for Sirius, and Lily, and a few other people I’ve become friendly with the last few months. Alice Fortescue brought literal gallons of ice cream to a track meet because three of us made it to the state championships. Rumor has it that Frank Longbottom reported Regulus for harassment, and that’s the reason he was gone for two weeks.
“Lupin, Remus John,” Dr. McGonagall calls out. I can hear Sirius whistling over the rest of the clapping, and my face heats, but I can’t stop smiling.
Later, at the Potters’, Mom will spill her wine when Ms. Potter offers her a job at the LBGT youth foundation. Mr. Potter will present Sirius with a motorcycle (and two helmets). James will row Lily across the lake and they will end up falling asleep in the gazebo. Sirius will present me with a series of portraits with trembling hands, and I will try not to cry when I get to mine—I’m at the finish line, holding a trophy, and Sirius is lifting me up in the air.
But right now, I’m walking across a platform, shaking hands with teachers and accepting a diploma from Dumbledore.