Work Text
i. dance the worries away
To say that Park Jimin is tired is a massive understatement. Muscles on fire, shaky legs and burning lungs, they continue to practice the same step to perfection, analysing every movement in the mirror, tilting their head a bit more to the left, it makes their jawline look better, after all.
Park Jimin is tired and it is not only because of their 4-hour dance practice followed by 2 hours of practising alone. There is something rooting much deeper in them that is pulling them down, inhibiting their mind constantly and breaking them to the point of crying on the bathroom floor at 5 AM once in a while.
When they had first joined BigHit to become a trainee, they hadn’t had a clue about themselves. Even though dance had granted them a possibility to express themselves, these expressions were still forced and regulated through choreography. Contemporary dance was beautiful but Jimin always had to maintain a strong and masculine role with sharp and aggressive movements.As time passed, they had realised that sometimes they just didn’t feel masculine and strong. And then they realised that sometimes was all the time. And then they realised that it wasn’t the pressure of being masculine and strong that bothered them, but the pressure of pretending to be male. This realisation had struck them like a truck going 100 mph, leaving them confused, lost and angry.
Angry at the world and angry at themselves for not being normal.
Angry that no matter what their body looked like, there was still a nagging feeling that it just wasn’t right.
Angry that they were stuck in the society that wouldn't accept them anyway.It took a lot of patience, work and research for them to find to their own label and get accustomed to their identity. Non-binary is what they identify as now, but even after they had accepted their new truth, the dancer still has the pressure of fame and idol-life on them. This doesn't leave them any choice but to hold back and hide their true identity even though every inch of their being is aching to be free.
Cut back to the present.
It is one of these days where their dysphoria is out of hand. Every "dude" and "he" makes their skin crawl, the hairs on their neck rising as a shudder runs down their spine. It's not the greatest setting when you're spending most of your time with people that don't know of your identity and misgender you without knowing.
Jimin often beats themselves up for being scared of coming out. Knowing that they haven't shown their friends such a big part of their identity makes Jimin's skin crawl with shame and guilt.
When Yoongi had come out as bisexual, he had been accepted with open arms; the band members hadn’t even batted an eye when Taehyung expressed the want to dress in skirts and high heels occasionally, just for the fun of it. But this was so much more complicated and delicate, it was not only a cross-dressing situation or a sexuality situation, this was a gender identity, and a different vocabulary.
So that's how Jimin ends up in the dance studio late at night. Not because the dance teacher had been unhappy about their performance, on the contrary, Jimin had received a lot of compliments on their hard work, but because of a day of pent up frustration and anxiety caused by dysphoria.
Junkook had stayed with them for a bit but had gotten tired and decided to head back to the dorm to take some rest, making Jimin promise to follow him before the clock strikes 2 AM. Jimin, on the contrary, is still burning up, channelling all the anxiety into their dance and loses track of time until their phone rings.
They snatch the phone, Namjoon’s name lighting up the screen. A look at the clock is enough to make their heart drop, eyes widening in panic: it's already 3 AM. Jimin accepts the call in a hurry, the leader’s voice booming through the quiet practice room, as Jimin scrambles to assemble their belongings in a sudden rush.
“Park Jimin, how many times do I have to tell you that you should keep your phone on loud?”
Jimin gulps while pulling their hat over their sweaty hair, ignoring the gross feeling. They’d have to take a shower in the dorm.
“I am sorry Hyung. I was distracted by working on choreography and didn’t hear the phone ringing.”
Namjoon lets out a disapproving hum, the frown on his face apparent even though Jimin can't see him.
“Are you still practicing Jimin? You know what time it is right, we have to be out early tomorrow morning and Jungkook came to me twice, telling me that you still hadn't arrived home.”
Jimin knows that their leader was asking for a clearer answer as to why they had decided to ignore Jungkook's pleas, but Jimin couldn't just go around and explain that they had tried to dance off the anxiety that dysphoria gave them because they didn't feel comfortable in the way they were presenting!
A wave of guilt overcomes them once again and they mumble several apologies before promising to be back at the dorm as soon as possible.
Arrived at the dorm they are met with Yoongi and Namjoon sitting on the couch, their gazes already meeting Jimin's when they enter the room. Jimin purses their lips as they greet their hyungs, head lowered in shame, hurrying to get past them to avoid any further confrontation. The lock of Jimin's door snaps shut before either of them can speak up. Jimin knows they can't keep avoiding their hyungs and lying to them hurts more than anything, but they shove the thoughts to the back of their mind.
They have to wait a few agonisingly long seconds until their hyungs head to their respective rooms before they go to shower. The hot water overshadows the sting of guilt they feel for having ignored their hyungs obvious concern.
ii. can I join?
It's a different day, a different week and Jimin desperately needs to find a way to be less masculine because dysphoria is obliterating them. Instead of leaving for the dance studio, a daily occurrence by now, they decide to go to Taehyungs room.
In the morning Taehyung had announced that he had just received a new package of feminine clothes, skirts, dresses, as well as some new make-up articles and would do a runway, a tradition established shortly after Taehyung had started dressing up, in the evening to show off the clothes.
Years of being idols means that the members of BTS know how to apply basic make-up, but Taehyung’s skills go above and beyond that. He often takes the place of the make-up artists when they are sick or not available. Maybe Taehyung could help Jimin out with their dysphoria, even if he doesn't know that Jimin is dysphoric?
Jimin feels like they are out of their mind, absolutely bonkers. Taehyung might ask questions or even work everything out by himself and they're definitely not prepared for that.Am I really going to do something as bold? It just takes one unintentional look in the mirror and an ice-cold shudder running down their spine due that makes Jimin decide: Absolutely. They wouldn't be able to last a second longer in their skin without getting some relief.
“Taehyungie?” Jimin shakily knocks on Taehyung's door and hesitantly peers into his room.
Tae is sitting at a make-up vanity, halting mid-eyeliner application and smiles at his friend.
“What’s up Jimin-ah? Are you bored?”Jimin rubs their neck and laughs and shrugs, his face converting into an awkward smile.
“Uhm- Not really? Can I join you for a minute?"
Taehyung invites them in and looks at them, arms crossed and fingers tapping on his brush expectantly.
"Could you make me look like- I mean- Can you also do my make-up? But in a feminine way, like yours? Sometimes having to be all masculine and strong is exhausting and I don’t know if I’m making any sense but I just wanna take a break from it all and feel like-“ Tae lets out an excited yes and engulfs Jimin in a hug, cutting them off mid-ramble. Jimin is left dumbfounded, mouth slightly agape and hugs back hesitantly after a short period of processing what had just happened.
“Of course you can join. I’m just gonna finish my make-up and then I’m gonna do yours, okay?”
Taehyung flashes them a happy boxy smile and all of Jimin's nerves disappear. That was easier than expected? They sit back as they wait for Taehyung to finish, then they sit down in front of his vanity. Taehyung entertains Jimin while doing their make-up, rambling about toxic masculinity and how silly it is that society shames boys who want to wear make-up and skirts. He scolds Jimin several times for moving and fidgeting, claiming that he has to do a perfect job because this is Jimin's first proper make-up look. After what feels like an eternity, Jimin is allowed to look at their face in the mirror. The sight Jimin is met with takes their breath away. Their face is still naturally masculine, the jawbone could cut paper but there's a rosy tint on their cheek, as well as an eyeliner wing and a burgundy smokey eye accentuating their dark brown eyes. Jimin slowly traces their face with their fingers, analysing the make-up Tae had done on them. He had applied some clear lip-gloss to Jimin’s lips and also lightly curled their hair, to make it fit better, as Taehyung claims. The silver hair is on the longer side and softly frames their face. Jimin looks exquisite and beautiful and gorgeous. And they feel the exact same way.A rush of happiness runs through their body and with a wide smile, Jimin’s turns back to Taehyung. Tae lets out a spurt of compliments, clearly infatuated by the way his best friend is looking. Jimin rosy cheeks turn red and they hit the taller boy while pretending to frown.
The comfortable silence that follows is disturbed by Taehyung's “Sooo...,” as he raises an eyebrow and elbows Jimin in the side.
“Do you also want to put on some clothes with that? As you know, I promised Jungkookie, Hobi-hung and Jin-hyung to show them my new clothes and you could gladly assist with that.”
Jimin freezes, they hadn't thought as far when they asked Taehyung for a make-up job. Their heart is screaming yes, but their mind is sounding all the alarm bells and trying to pull on the breaks. They look at themselves in the mirror and they have to admit that they look good and it would be a shame for such a look to go to waste. Still, the worry takes a toll at them.
“I don’t know Tae, won’t they find me weird? I mean, I’m always all masculine and maybe they’ll laugh and-,“
Tae sighs and shushes Jimin by softly running his hands through Jimin’s hair. It was typical for Jimin to worry about what their friends were thinking and what society would say about their every action.
“Jimin-ah, they were more than supportive to me and they will be with you, no doubt. You’re clearly overthinking it. Still, don’t feel forced. If you don’t feel comfortable, you don’t have to do it.”
Jimin nods hesitantly and takes a deep breath.
“Go big or go home I guess? And since I'm already home, let's go big! C'mon show me some nice clothes that will fit me.”
Jimin is met by a devious grin on Tae's face as he drags Jimin to the pile of clothes laid out on his bed.
This is how Jimin ends up trying a lot of clothes until Taehyung is finally satisfied with four different outfits they will have to show off in a few hours. What first should have been a show for Jungkook, Hoseok and Seokjin soon has turned into a full-blown model runway for all of BTS. Namjoon and Yoongi decide to join after Seokjin guilt trips them for not attending Taehyung's special surprise. This surprise being Jimin. The other band members are oblivious about it. Jimin has not been seen since early morning by the other band members and Tae explains that they have gone to the dance studio to work on a song. The worried glances exchanged between Namjoon and Yoongi stay unnoticed. iii. It’s showtime
To say that Jimin is a nervous mess before the "show" is a lie. They drop their clothes several times and constantly need to reassure themselves that they slay and that nobody will say anything bad.
It's nearly showtime and Jimin is putting on their first outfit, a white silk blouse that shows off their collarbones paired with high-waisted leather skinny pants with embellishments that define their waist beautifully and pronounce their feminine curves. The stylish black dress-shoes and make-up make Jimin feel like they could take over the world at any moment and make both girls and boys go to Hong Kong, as their hyung had once beautifully said. Jimin has to wait for Tae to show off two stunning outfits before it to be his turn. With each measure of the song passing, Jimin's heart beats faster as they wait for Taehyung's cue to enter the living room. Tae remains hidden from the other band members as he grandly announced his “magnificent surprise.” The bass of Lady Marmalade rings through the living room and the other boys start cheering as Jimin gathers all their courage and take a deep breath one last time.
“Now or never,” they think as they enter the living room with a provocative half grin plastered on their face. The lights dim to a dark red as Jimin struts towards the middle of the room. Every move they make hits a beat and it takes them bending and snapping and gathering all their courage to be able to look into their friends' faces.
All of their eyes are fixed on Jimin; Jungkook’s mouth left agape, his hand frozen in the bowl of popcorn in front of him. Jimin meets his eyes and winks while running their hands along their body, a sudden burst of confidence surging through them. Jungkook chokes on the air as the rest of the band comes to life again and hollers at the bold move.The grin on Jimin’s face grows as they bathe in the attention that their friends are giving them. All eyes are on them as they keep dancing in flowing movements to the music and leave the room with a twirl, applause still ringing through the corridors as they enter Taehyung's room to change into the next outfit..
As the show goes on and the songs change, Jimin starts feeling more and more comfortable in front of their friends and they even ditch the planned pants for skirts and switch from the seductive femininity to a softer feminine, with sweaters and high knees. No matter what they enter the room in, they leave it feeling more empowered again.
Time flies and it doesn't take long until Taehyung and Jimin are wearing their last outfit. They’re both rocking backless skater dresses, the colours matching their respective make-up looks. The last part of Taehyung's show has always been Jimin’s favourite to watch, and it was even more fun to participate in it. The music is turned up totally and Taehyung’s grin is the cue for both of them to start dancing crazily.
It’s only when the song ends that the friends stop, chests rising and lowering rapidly while laughing happily, twinkling eyes meeting seconds before being pulling into a bone-crushing hug. Their giggles ring through the room as the rest of the band members somehow end up joining the hug, creating a huge pile of happiness.
In the middle of all of their friends, Jimin feels their heart swell. They can’t help but think that they haven't felt this free in a long time.