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"The night is dark and full of terrors, but the fire burns them all away."Melisandre in “Game of Thrones”, George R.R. MartinIt was almost midnight, when Leonard McCoy was finally able to leave the hospital. The doctor sighed and tiredly ran a hand over his face as he stepped out of Starfleet Medical into the fresh night air of San Francisco. The hospital’s exit area was simultaneously lit by the dim light shimmering through the milky glass doors of the building behind him and a bright, whitish light of a street lamp right across the street. Blinking to convince his tired eyes that their job wasn’t done yet, Leonard turned right and started walking into the direction of his accommodation.Since they had to move out on their first mission almost immediately after their graduation, and therefore had no real time to acquire a private flat, most of the Enterprise crew had to rely on Starfleet, or friends and family, to provide them with a place to stay until they had time and opportunity to find something suitable.Given all the meetings, hearings and councils Leonard himself had to attend after the catastrophe that was Khan, next to his ongoing duties as a doctor and surgeon, it wouldn’t be anytime soon.To be fair though, for the moment this suited him just fine. The building where he was staying was a fairly new accommodation, especially for command and medical personnel, which meant that they were close to the medical as well as the command institutions where most of those meetings took place. It also meant that he lived in the same building as the senior command crew, which allowed him to spend the few spare minutes he had in his day with people about whom he genuinely cared. Also, since he shared a flat with Jim, as per both their requests, it was easier for him to keep track of Jim’s recovery and general health- both physically and mentally.The days and weeks after Jim’s death (and the memory still sent a sharp pain through his heart whenever his thoughts strayed to all that happened since Pike’s death, which was basically every day) had been hell for Leonard.
A month prior
After Leonard realized that he had a chance to save his friend, that there was a real possibility to bring him back, he went into work mode entirely, pushing back all his emotions and turning out everyone and everything that could be considered a distraction. Basically, he turned into everything he always accused Spock of and if he weren’t so focused on his efforts to save their captain, he would appreciate the irony. Jim was going to live, he couldn’t consider any other outcome, there couldn’t BE any other outcome, and Leonard would do whatever necessary to make sure he had a chance. If it meant working on a serum developed from Khan’s blood for 72 hours straight, sustaining himself on stims and various sandwiches one member or another of the senior command crew always provided for him, then that was what Leonard would do.Leonard didn’t remember much when thinking back to his work on the serum; only failure after failure, and a desperate drive to succeed, clinging to the shrinking hope to do the impossible.And he did.3 days after Jim had climbed into the warp core and sacrificed himself for his crew, Leonard tore him back from the hands of death. In keeping with their typical luck, of course, it wasn’t as simple as Jim just progressively getting better.12 hours after Leonard injected the serum and six hours after they registered a heartbeat, Jim coded the first time. His heart simply gave out. Leonard managed to get him back but from that on there was always a new crisis.His lungs collapsed.His kidneys shut down.His heart gave out again.By the time Jim coded a third time, Leonard was a wreck. The only reason he was still functioning was because he had more stims running through his veins than blood (Nyota’s words, once she got the opportunity to give him a piece of her mind) and because he was too stubborn to admit defeat. He wasn’t going to lose another battle with the Grim Reaper over a person he loved. He might not have been able to save his father, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to lose Jim. And finally, Leonard emerged victorious. After Jim’s third cardiac arrest, he eventually started to improve.His heartbeat became stronger.He was able to breathe on his own.His kidneys started working again.But the most important thing, and the one possibility Leonard had feared the most when injecting Jim with the serum, was the concern of brain damage. They had put Jim in an artificial coma immediately after he had first shown signs of coming back to life to reduce the stress with which his body would have to deal after his resurrection. Now that his condition was steadily improving, they slowly started to take him off medication. Leonard held his breath when he got the first results of Jim’s brain activity. And then he started to laugh, so hard that he finally began crying.Because Jim’s brain was fine. There was no long- or short-term damage recognizable on the scans. Jim would be well again.It took another day until Jim showed signs of waking up and when it appeared as if he would come to any moment Leonard called for Spock so that the Vulcan could be there when Jim opened his eyes.When Spock entered the room, he looked at the doctor with tightly pressed lips and raised both his eyebrows in an uncharacteristic show of worry, yet he refrained from saying anything. Probably because he still remembered the shouting that had occurred the last time someone had mentioned Leonard’s own health.And then Jim opened his eyes.Ignoring the painful squeeze in his chest, Leonard focused on pretending everything was just as usual, grumbling a little bit to hide his tremendous relief, and Jim playing along, looking fondly at his friend. The read-outs he got from the bio-bed and the scanner also indicated that apart from some muscle weakness, Jim was almost as healthy as before, and Leonard allowed himself a deep breath of relief for the first time in two weeks.Then Jim thanked Spock for saving his life and something in Leonard snapped. He felt himself come apart, like a castle of glass through which a crack ran from the bottom to the top, splitting it into millions of sharp-edged pieces, ready to fall apart at any moment. His hands- the steadiest hands in the fleet- started to shake, and tears were gathering in his eyes. His professional self, the only remaining functional part of his, took over and he quietly excused himself to retreat to his office, so his patient wouldn’t witness his breakdown. He didn’t want to be seen in this state, not by Jim, especially not so shortly after his full return to the living.Once the tears came, Leonard couldn’t stop them. It was like his body recognized that the purpose that had kept him going had been achieved, and then decided that it was high time to shut down. As if from a distance he noticed that his breathing became short and his heart beat drastically increased. When black spots started to dance in front of his vision, his last thought was that he really should have seen that coming.He could only remember fragments of what happened after. Soft hands that gently tapped his face, a voice right above his head, but muffled and unrecognizable. The soft texture of a bio-bed underneath him. Violently shivering from fever attacks while his body felt as if it were on fire at the same time. Throwing up again and again until he felt as if he had heaved up his gullet as well. Dreams of Jim dying under his hands, again and again. Jim standing in front of him, pale as the day he had lain in this body bag, accusing him of failing. He remembered someone screaming until there was a pinch at his neck, and then nothing. Only darkness. When Leonard next came to, it was to the quiet sounds of the hospital during its evening routine, when loud activities were usually held to a minimum and the nurses and doctors on the corridors were conversing only in hushed voices; to the beeping of the machine that monitored his heart rate; and to the feeling of fingers entwined with his. It took more effort than he cared to admit to himself, but he managed to turn his head and open his eyes just slightly. The sight that greeted him caused his heartbeat to almost skyrocket again in panic.Jim was sitting in a wheelchair next to Leonard’s bed, his hand softly holding the doctor’s while he appeared to be reading something on his PADD. At the sudden increasing noise of the heart monitor, he looked up worriedly, only to be met with Leonard’s own panicked gaze. Because Jim was supposed to be in a bio-bed, resting and focusing on his own recovery. He should be worrying about all the issues that dying and being resurrected ultimately brought with them, and not sitting here, next to Leonard, bothering with him.“Sh, Bones, calm down. It’s alright, you’ll be alright!” Putting aside his PADD, Jim leant closer to Leonard, grasping his hand more tightly and at the same time brushing some strands of unruly hair out of his face. And because they knew the other better than they knew themselves, Jim immediately seemed to sense that Leonard wasn’t worked up about his own health and, after giving a frustrated sigh, he murmured, “I’m FINE, Bones! The doctors wouldn’t let me be here if that wasn’t the case and once you calm down you’ll realize that too. My body is working the same as it did … before. The only thing I need to work on is the strength in my muscles, which is why I’m sitting in this lovely chair. Spock, Uhura, Scotty, Sulu and Chekov keep me company and take care of me, just as all the doctors and nurses here.” Both of his hands were holding Leonard’s at this point. “I’m not reckless about this, I swear it, Bones. Not after the stupid stunt you pulled to make sure I have another chance. So, all you have to do is focus on yourself and your own health, for once, and let others do the caretaking.”Slightly calmed, Leonard tried to speak, only to find that his throat had turned into a desert and wouldn’t produce more than raspy sounds. Seeing his struggles, Jim provided him with some water but asked him to only take small sips as it would take some time until he could keep down much, to which Leonard only rolled his eyes. Once he had wet his throat, Leonard grumbled, “Dammit Jim, you should be in your bed, resting. You are recovering from a massive trauma, and I don’t really trust my colleagues here if they decide it’s alright to let you roll around on your merry way all by yourself and simply inform a patient of another’s medical status…”“Now hold on, Bones! First, I didn’t ‘roll on my merry way’ or whatever; Nurse Chapel actually brought me here and only after they had run every test they could think of to assure I was fine.”“I’m sure I would have administered more.”, Leonard murmured.Jim rolled his eyes. “I’m sure you would have. Second, they didn’t ‘simply’ tell me. I pestered them long enough until some poor soul, whose name shall not be revealed for their own protection, told me what happened. Or do you seriously expect me not to wonder when my primary physician and best friend doesn’t make an appearance for three days?”That made Leonard pause. “Shit, three days?!”Jim nodded. “You seriously did a number on yourself and once you’re better, we’ll have a word about that. I can’t have you as Chief Medical Officer put your health at such unnecessary risk.”Leonard wanted to defend himself, and point out the hypocrisy, but Jim interrupted him. “Not now, Bones. For now, we both need to rest, and I don’t wanna have this conversation when we’re both not up for it!” Leonard raised an eyebrow, not used to James T. Kirk being the sensible one. “Don’t give me that look!”Jim gave him a small smile and then quickly glanced at the time displayed over the door. “Nurse Chapel should be here in a couple of minutes to check on you and to bring me back to my room. I suggest you rest for a bit.”Leonard wanted to say that he was the doctor, not Jim, and he better not start pestering him now, but the exhaustion he hadn’t been able to shake off since waking up finally caught up with him. His eyelids became heavier and he started to drift off when Jim leaned closer to his ear and whispered, “Thank you, Len! I may never be able to say that again so directly because you know how I am with emotions but thank you! Thanks for saving my life, for not giving up on me! And I – I just want you to know that I would do the same. I won’t ever give up on you and as long as you’ll have me, I’ll be there.”He wanted to answer but sleep finally dragged him under.It took another four days before Leonard was allowed out of the hospital, despite his arguing that he was a doctor and would know when he was healthy enough to be discharged. To which Spock, one of his frequent visitors, coolly countered that if that were the case, he wouldn’t have been admitted as a patient in the first place. Leonard wasn’t able to convince him otherwise since emotions “were not a logical choice on which to base this decision”. He was still somewhat shaky on his legs and got slightly nauseous around food but at least he felt like a human being again.Jim had to stay another two weeks for physical training, to help his muscles recover some of their natural strength. Leonard used the time to reclaim his position as Jim’s primary physician and to use that as an excuse to avoid Starfleet admiralty. Now that word had gotten out that Jim was on the way of recovery and able to receive visitors, the admiralty was understandably interested in the procedures that had been undertaken to ensure Jim’s resuscitation. Spock had been unable to prevent some rumors from spreading; too many people had seen the captain’s body when he had been transported to medical bay. Although the facts were vague enough, two points were undeniable: James Kirk had died trying to save his crew, and his Chief Medical Officer, Leonard H. McCoy, had somehow brought him back.It was this “somehow” that interested the higher ups and kept Leonard in numerous meetings, trying to obscure and minimize what he had done. Not only because admitting to basically violating the Hippocratic Oath would cost him his career and his medical license. But once he had the time to really think about what he had created, a serum that could cure death itself, he realized what a dangerous weapon this could turn out to be. While his intentions had been private and good, ultimately there would be people trying to profit from it. The cure of death could become something like a commodity, soon only available to the rich and privileged, and maybe even only to certain races, eventually turning into another means to differentiate and divide. Not to mention the implications of what could happen if the wrong people managed to cheat death.Therefore Leonard, supported by Spock, Uhura and Scotty twisting their own reports to match his testimony and making sure to let compromising surveillance material disappear discreetly, altered the truth: he stated that Jim had been without a heartbeat only for a few seconds but that he had been able to revive him on board of the Enterprise. The following days the captain had spent in a medically induced coma during his cell therapy to counter the radiation effect.
Present
Today, after countless follow up questions, Leonard’s account had finally been approved. Which was why he was still up at twenty-three forty-five and on his way to his flat: the last meeting had taken longer than anticipated and Leonard had been the last one of the senior crew to leave the hall where his hearings had been held. After a quick check-in with his most critical patients, the doctor was now only looking forward to a quick shower, preferably with real water, and then falling into bed. Jim would most likely complain as they had planned to order some food and watch an episode of the holo-series “The Empire” but Leonard was simply too tired to care about that. He would make it up to him tomorrow.The academy grounds around him were deserted at this hour. In the distance, he could hear some faint music, probably from someone who had left their window open due to the moderate summer air. Despite the late time, it was still quite warm which was unusual for this time of the year. September evenings often were already quite chilly, so it was a nice change to still be able to walk across campus without a pullover or jacket. The street lamps along the path spent a warm, yellow light and illuminated the way before him. It was quite the peaceful atmosphere and Leonard found himself almost enjoying the short walk home. It woke him up a little bit and calmed his nerves which had been strained since the first meeting at eight in the morning. Maybe he would watch the episode with Jim after all.Leonard estimated he was only two more minutes away from his accommodation when the street lights suddenly went out. The doctor sighed. A month had passed since the disaster with Khan, but the city wasn’t back to normalcy yet. Debris was still lying around at some of the places where skyscrapers, family homes and businesses had once stood, and the public power supply was still not completely restored. Which led to occasional blackouts like the one he had the luck to experience right now. Granted, it was just a minor inconvenience compared to the human losses the city suffered that day but was nonetheless quite annoying at night.He was about to continue his way home in the dark when he heard a sudden noise, almost like footsteps, behind him. Startled, he turned around, only to see nothing. Shaking his head, he walked on. Now he was already imagining things.When he heard the steps again, this time much closer and coming from his right, he felt his heartbeat instinctively quickening. He was anything but timid or anxious, but he always had what constituted as a good gut feeling, and right now it was screaming at him that something wasn’t right here. He stopped to listen more closely and peered into the dark on his right side, but again the noise had stopped and there was nothing to see. The night was eerily quiet all of a sudden, only the silhouettes of the campus buildings discernible in the darkness. Leonard could feel cold sweat breaking out on his skin, making him shiver even in the mild air and all his senses screaming at him to leave, to get somewhere safe. To get home. Get to Jim.Jim! Struck by the sudden thought, the doctor pulled out his personal communicator to call his best friend and captain, when sudden movement behind him made him flinch and drop the device while turning around.There was a man in front of him, almost in his personal space. Dressed in civilian clothing, dark blue jeans and a black sweater, his face had a somewhat amused expression as he mustered Leonard. While the rest of the man’s body language seemed relaxed, it was the eyes that cautioned Leonard to leave his guard up. They were serious and cold, regarding him with a calculating intent.Warily, Leonard looked at him and took a step back to get some space between himself and the stranger. “Good God, man, what are you doing, sneaking up on me like that? You wanna give me a heart attack?”The man laughed and took a step nearer, placing him right in Leonard’s personal space again. The doctor felt himself tense up even more at the proximity that had the hairs at his neck standing up and his skin starting to itch. Whatever it was, sixth sense, intuition or logic, everything was screaming at him to leave, now!“I am sorry, that certainly was not my intention. After all, your services are still needed.”Leonard felt himself go cold at these words, yet he managed to plaster an annoyed impression on his face, giving the man a skeptical look. “And what makes you think ’m willing to help a mysterious stranger who doesn’t know the concept of personal space and scares the shit out of unsuspecting pedestrians?”Again, the man laughed, but instead of backing away, he leaned even closer to Leonard, grasping his upper arm tightly. His heart started beating frantically in his chest and he couldn’t avoid the violent flinch while he tried to wrestle his arm free. The stranger holding him wouldn’t yield. Instead he smiled. “Oh, I am sorry, Doctor McCoy, you misunderstood. You seem to be under the impression that we need your permission. Let me clarify: You are in possession of some very unique knowledge and skills, and we will have your cooperation. With or without your consent.”Leonard felt himself pale at this. It couldn’t be. The man couldn’t be talking about what he suspected, nobody outside the senior command crew and the medical team present that day knew what exactly he had done to safe Jim. His report had just been accepted from the admiralty and the Head of Starfleet Medical.“Despite the lack of light, I feel we are awfully exposed out here. Maybe we should take this to a more private setting?”He was still speaking when Leonard felt another sudden presence behind him. Trying to turn but hindered by the stranger’s hand holding his arm, he jerked when he felt the cold metal of a hypo on his neck. A small hiss was all the warning he received before whatever substance had been in the container was released into his bloodstream.Wide-eyed, he turned back to the man holding him, panic setting in now. “You bastards, what…” That was all he managed before a cloth was pressed over his mouth, silencing him instantly. He felt two pairs of arms grabbing him from behind, pinning his arms to his body and dragging him to the ground.Leonard tried to fight them, he really did. But while he kept himself fit in the gym and occasionally sparred with Jim or Sulu, he wasn’t a soldier. The people holding him down obviously were and were superior in their strength as well. Leonard bucked and twisted, trying everything to get their hands off him but they wouldn’t relent, and he found himself tiring. His movements became sluggish, his body obviously slowed down by the substance in his blood. In a last desperate attempt, he tried to fight the drugs, tried to remain alert, but his mind was just as affected as his body. Leonard felt his thoughts starting to drift and himself edging closer to unconsciousness. The last words he heard were “Pick him up” and he felt his limp body being grabbed roughly under the arms. Then he fell into darkness.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Some say the world will end in fire, …
But if I had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice … would suffice”
Robert Frost, “Fire and Ice”When Jim awoke the next morning, it was to the sight of his room slowly being illuminated by the rising sun, painting the walls and bookcase next to the door in a faint golden glimmer. Jim couldn’t help himself but smile while he closed his eyes and buried a little deeper into the mattress and the warm blanket covering him. It was such a peaceful moment, knowing that he still had a couple of minutes before he had to get up, and giving him the possibility to enjoy the tranquility of the morning.There hadn’t been that many opportunities to simply revel in the fact that he was still alive. That he had gotten another shot to experience mornings like this; to spend more time with his friends and his crew; to salvage the relationship with his mother and brother; to achieve all the things he had wanted to accomplish before his death. It was a gift, a gift for which he still felt guilty when his thoughts strayed to those who hadn’t been so lucky. And there had been many people, from his crew, who had at least to some extent known what could happen during their service at Starfleet, to thousands of civilians, who hadn’t done anything but going after their regular life and being at the wrong place at the wrong time. His feeling of guilt had been ineffable when he had first heard the official death toll from Spock and only after he had started to see a therapist had he been able to forgive himself little by little.Jim hadn’t wanted to see a therapist, at the beginning, insisting that he was fine, on the outside at least, and planning to deal with this tragedy as he always had: keeping his feelings to himself and working harder to prevent something like this from ever happening again. It hadn’t been until Nyota- dying had finally allowed him to be on a first name basis with the communication officer- had lost her patience and had all but shouted at him if he really were that selfish that he wouldn’t even consider what his actions were doing to his friends. He had been somewhat lost as to what she had meant with her statement; after all, he was always keeping the wellbeing of his crew, and especially his friends, in mind when acting. In his surprise by her flash of anger, he had said as much.
Three weeks earlier
Uhura looked at him for some seconds, before she sighed and rubbed her hands over her face. Then she set down on the chair next to Jim’s bio bed, took hold of his hand and looked at him with an expression that appeared soft and stern at the same time.“Jim, do you really not know what it does to us to see you like this? I don’t mean to say that we don’t appreciate what you do for us, the big sacrifices as well as the little things to show you care, but Jim- do you really think we would want you to neglect yourself in an effort to please and to protect us? Do you really think that makes us happy?”Jim furrowed his brow at that. “I- I’m not sure I understand what you mean. As captain, it’s my job to make sure the crew is as safe as they can be when we’re up in the black.” He gave her a sadly twisted smile. “Took me long enough to realize that’s my most important duty.” He shook his head when she opened her mouth to say something. “No, I deserve that, Nyota. But, I’ve realized it, so I do whatever necessary to achieve this goal. And as a friend- well, of course my friends’ happiness is important to me. I don’t see what you mean.”Uhura sighed at that, looking unsure whether to strangle or hug him. “Jim, I’m not asking you not to do your job or to stop being a good friend. But, especially in regard to your friends, think how we feel when we see you in a hospital bed, recovering from being dead or from another disastrous run-in with the natives of a new planet, and brushing it off as nothing, not taking care of yourself, physically or mentally. Do you honestly believe we’re happy when you do that?”He was quiet, not yet willing to see her point. Uhura’s gaze hardened at that, and she abruptly withdrew her hands to lean back in the chair.“Alright then, let’s switch perspective for a second, shall we? How did you feel when Leonard completely disregarded his own health to the point that he had to be hospitalized, to work on the serum that brought you back? Do you think it was necessary to go to that extreme?”Jim swallowed and had to look away. He still couldn’t decide on how he felt about what Bones had done. Grateful, of course, that he had brought him back, had given him another chance at life, but also incredibly guilty that he had worked himself to the ground on his account and that he had to deal with the admiralty’s nosiness because of it.Tensely, he growled out, “He shouldn’t have worked that hard. I still would have been alright if he had taken a bit longer, and if he had let some of the other doctors also take part in my care, once I was—brought back. But—that’s different.”Uhura rolled her eyes. “Why is it different?”“Because- he’s Bones. He grumbles and complains at every turn, but underneath, there is just this big heart of his and- I don’t know, he tends to disregard himself when he cares about people, so someone else has to do it- He’s a good person. And I- Well, I can take care of myself, I don’t need anyone to look after me.”At some point, Uhura had started massaging the bridge of her nose as if she was trying to ward off a headache. “For being such a genius in some areas, you really act as a complete idiot in others.”Jim was just the tiniest bit insulted, but before he was able to get in a protest, she continued, “Alright, then let me spell it out for you: think how you feel about Leonard being a self-sacrificing fool when it comes to his own well-being. And then accept that we feel the same about you, whether you believe me or not. When you don’t take care of yourself, you inadvertently end up hurting us sometimes. Because we worry about you.”Admittedly, Jim didn’t know what to say to that. His friends shouldn’t worry about him, he could take care of himself, always had. He was supposed to be strong, to be the leader, the captain to whom everyone could look up to for guidance. He was fine, he didn’t need help.Caught up in his thoughts, he didn’t notice how his hands had balled into fists until he felt Uhura uncurling them gently. When he looked up at her, she smiled softly and murmured, “Please, Jim. Even if you think you don’t need therapy after what happened to you, do it for us. Do it for Leonard. He’s still so scared about your health and it would help him worry less. Us all, to be honest.”And Jim looked into her eyes and found himself agreeing.
Present
So, for the last couple of weeks Jim had gone to see a psychotherapist. To be honest, his feelings towards therapy were still mixed: on one hand, he couldn’t deny that these sessions helped him tremendously in dealing with his emotions concerning his return to the living when so many others could not; on the other hand, Jim still felt uncomfortable talking about his feelings with a stranger and had difficulties accepting the help his therapist offered through their counselling. Hell, it had taken until the end of the first year at the academy before he had been able to open up to Bones to some extent. Luckily- or unluckily, he couldn’t really decide on that matter- his therapist, a female Betazoid, was as stubborn as every doctor dealing with James T. Kirk had to be, so there had been some slow progress which helped him come to terms with his revival as well as his survivor’s guilt. Not disregarding his own responsibility in what had happened but accepting that he wasn’t fully to blame for all the death. A lot, if not most, was due to Marcus and Khan; Jim had been too caught up in his grief over Pike to see how they had manipulated him. While that wouldn’t absolve him completely, it helped him to deal with it and give up on some of the feelings of guilt.The sound of his communicator vibrating roused him from his thoughts. Giving a tremendous sigh at the prospect of leaving his comfortable bed, Jim slowly sat up and stretched his arms over his head. Reluctantly, he got up and walked to his desk where here left his communicator overnight. He was somewhat surprised to see that it was a message from the new commander in chief of Starfleet, Fleet Admiral Cartwright, asking all admirals as well as present captains and first officers to meet at zero-nine hundred at Starfleet Headquarter. Even more curious than a message from the highest ranking official of the fleet was the stated meeting place: Conference Room 007, a reference to the popular secret agent of the 20th and 21st century, was equipped with extra security measures against any compromise from hackers or the like and was usually only used in times of potential or actual crises. That the admiral wanted to confer there, only a month after Admiral Marcus’ betrayal and Khan’s rampage, left Jim with an uneasy feeling in his gut. Stepping outside his room while still looking at his communicator, Jim walked over to the kitchenette. He placed the device on one of the cabinets before he started making himself a strong cup of coffee and a quick breakfast. Bones wasn’t around to bug him about his health, so he allowed himself to indulge a little bit by making pancakes, dousing them with a huge amount of chocolate cream. Based on how the day had started he figured he would need the sugar rush.While he enjoyed the heaven that was his breakfast, his gaze wandered to the closed door of his best friend’s and flatmate’s bedroom. Jim was 99% sure that Bones was already at his shift at Starfleet Medical. His working schedule was ridiculous and combined with the additional meetings, Jim was lucky to see his CMO every other day. Yesterday had at least been a success in that regard as that the admiralty had finally accepted Bones’ account on how exactly Jim was still alive after climbing into a radioactive warp core -and no amount of counselling would absolve him of the guilt he felt when he thought about all the lies his friends had to make on his account and the dire consequences it could have for all of them should they be found out. They had agreed on celebrating by ordering from their favorite Thai-place and watching an episode from “The Empire”- Jim had wanted to watch the newest one but since they were ridiculously behind, he had to admit to himself that it would make more sense to just continue where they had left. It was a highly complex plot and they wanted to understand the connections, after all.But Bones hadn’t come home last night and while Jim was a little disappointed and, if he was honest with himself, annoyed that his friend had cancelled their plans without informing him about his unavailability, he also understood. It had happened often enough in the last two weeks that Bones had come home way past midnight and left early in the morning. Medical personnel were still working hard to deal with all the wounded after Khan, and though it obviously got a bit easier as people with lesser injuries were released from the hospital, the critical as well as the regular patients kept them on their toes.But while it wasn’t unusual for Bones to come home way too late or even not at all, not calling to cancel their plans definitely was. It didn’t sit right with Jim and he planned to hunt his friend down after the meeting and give him a taste of his own medicine, namely a stern talk about the importance of rest and taking care of your health as well as informing your friends if you had to cancel a set date. Oh, he would love that, especially coming from Jim.With that thought, Jim finished his breakfast and went on with his morning routine. Checking Bones’ room gave him exactly the sight he had expected: an empty room with a made bed. It was a beautiful late September morning when he stepped outside his flat and made his way over to Headquarter. The sun was out and slowly warming the air that had not yet lost its fresh taste, and while most of the leaves on the trees were still green, there were some colorful additions to their splendor, reminding everyone that autumn had already arrived. A couple of people were already awake and filling the campus, but it was still early enough to not be as crowded as it could occasionally be during the day.It was a fifteen minutes’ walk from his apartment and Jim always enjoyed the opportunity to get out and move around. Although he had gotten the all clear from his physiotherapist, his muscles still felt stiff and weak compared to before and as much as he hated to admit it, he realized he had to slowly get them used to more strenuous work again. A short walk from their flat to Headquarter was a good start to wake up his body. Quite a lot of people were busily buzzing around when Jim entered the building and placed his hand on a sensor to grant him entrance and confirm his identity. Walking towards the conference room, he saw that most of the admirals and quite a lot of captains and their respective first officers were already present. Jim furrowed his brow on account of the apparent bustle; while it was not entirely unusual, the rush in combination with this morning’s message made his stomach clench in anticipation. He went to take his seat next to Spock, who, unsurprisingly, had arrived before him.“Captain”, said Spock as a way of greeting, inclining his head slightly in Jim’s direction.“Mister Spock”, Jim answered, smiling at his first officer. “I suppose you don’t know what all of this is about?”Spock drew his eyebrows together, the only sign that he seemed displeased with being left in the dark. “Negative, Captain, although I am sure that we will be informed of the reason behind this meeting shortly. However, I find the location to be disconcerting; conference room 007 is only used in times of emergencies, so whatever it is about which the commander-in-chief wants to inform us, cannot be of positive value.”Jim sighed. “Yeah, I thought so, too. I had just hoped that after everything that happened last month- I just hoped that we would get a short break before our bad luck struck again.”Spock looked at him blankly. “I do not understand what the superstitious belief in bad or good luck has to do with the convening of this meeting.”Before Jim could respond, Fleet Admiral Cartwright entered the conference room. Immediately all noise came to abrupt halt and the present Fleet personnel stood to attention. When the admiral arrived at his seat at the top of the long glass table, he nodded at them before gesturing with his hand for them to sit down again.Tomas Cartwright was a man in his early sixties with grey strands at his temples that were slowly spreading through the rest of his black hair. His eyes were of a dark brown and they regarded the assembled people in front of him with a serious look before he raised his smooth voice to address them.“Admirals, Captains, Officers, thank you for your attendance. I know it was of rather short notice. However, as most of you have probably already assumed by the choice of venue, we are at risk of a new potential crisis threatening the Fleet and, possibly, the entire Federation.”His words were met with tense silence. The threat of yet another threat, so shortly after the last attack on a Fleet building and the later subsequent destruction of parts of San Francisco, was deeply unsettling to all of them, and Jim saw a couple of eyes anxiously looking to their neighbor as if they were hoping to have misheard, that this new emergency wouldn’t be as bad. Jim felt the same trepidation and when he glanced over at Spock, he recognized from the tenseness of his shoulders that his first officer felt the same, although his face remained stoic.Cartwright was entering some instructions into the comm station integrated into the conference table and the pictures of three men and one woman appeared on the big screen behind him and on the small ones in front of everyone. “As you are already aware, after the traitorous actions of my predecessor, Admiral Marcus, Section 31 has been shut down until further notice and all of its personnel have been brought in for investigation, to check their involvement in the waking of Khan and Marcus’ plan to incite a war with the Klingon Empire.”His face remained impassive while talking, but the skin around his mouth seemed to tighten as if he had to keep his temper in check. “The men and woman you see before you are former Starfleet employees who had worked in Section 31 and have already been found guilty of treason against the Fleet.”The Fleet Admiral pointed to the first picture, depicting a black-haired man whose grey-blue eyes looked neutrally towards the camera. Overall, he appeared unremarkable, yet there was something - in the way he held himself, an almost smile curling around his mouth – that would have made Jim wary of him had he encountered him anywhere. “Commander Benedict Centrich was the head of the weaponry department of Section 31. He was one of the first members of Section 31 and always supportive of Marcus; it is not surprising that he would try to continue their mission. Lieutenant Commander Porter Simril”, here Cartwright gestured towards a blonde, a scar running down the left side of his face, “seems to have been responsible for security within said department; we haven’t completely established his full role yet, but he seems to have been a fairly recent addition to the department. Lieutenant Commander Nolan Wildner”, nodding towards the image of a dark-skinned man, whose handsome features looked as amused as they could be on an official Star Fleet portrait, “was the head of the engineering department whose responsibility it was to create new weapons and technology to place us in an advanced position against all possible enemies. During his interrogation, he seemed aggrieved about the death toll the entire Khan fiasco caused, yet he still considered their path of war to be the correct and only possible one.”At the picture of the middle-aged woman, red hair curling in soft waves around a pale face, Cartwright paused briefly. The commander-in-chief regarded her darkly ere he continued. “Finally, Doctor Katherina Tyrell was not only the head of the medical department but seems to have been involved in research on bio warfare and alterations of the brain as well; she had been a promising addition to Medical. This is all we could gather from the evidence we found. When we stormed the base of Section 31, the present personnel were rather busy destroying all and every proof that could incriminate them”, Cartwright finished dryly. He stopped for a second to look at the assembled people in front of him. “Starfleet Security, which has been responsible for their interrogation, has informed me that these four people can be regarded among those most loyal to Marcus and his ideals. Yesterday evening, it was found that they not only had managed to escape jail at some point during the day, which has yet to be established as they took great care in covering their tracks but were also able to take with them a number of devices developed by Section 31. Among those were bombs, small enough to fit into a handbag if need be but still able to destroy an entire neighborhood inside a radius of eight kilometers.”Cartwright paused and for a moment seemed rather tired, as if this new crisis so soon after the last made him wish he had never taken the position of commander-in-chief. Then he looked at the assembled group intently. “I think I don’t have to tell you what threat weapons like these can pose in the hands of individuals who are set in their belief that war is inevitable and probably feel a lot of resentment towards Starfleet.”Jim sighed quietly. To have another situation so soon after the last was not only disconcerting but also frustrating. Why did some people insist on the old ways, and consider war as the only way to solve any conflict? Had history taught them nothing?An image of Christopher Pike flashed before his eyes and he felt the familiar ache constrict his chest and rip at his heart. Pike, and so many others, even his father, could still be alive if people would finally cease to solve their conflicts with violence. The voice of Fleet Admiral Cartwright roused him from his thoughts. “Admirals, Captains, Officers, I know I can count on you to treat this information with the required urgency and secrecy. No word is yet to be sent to the city’s civilian population to avoid panic, but I expect you to use all of Starfleet’s resources to ensure that these individuals are found as soon as possible. This threat is of the highest priority and while the everyday workings of the Fleet cannot stand still for an undefined period of time I am sure you know without which personnel you can make do temporarily so that their skills can be utilized in this search.” To his left and right, people inclined or nodded their heads and Jim found himself doing the same while already compiling a list in his mind of Enterprise crew members that would be of valuable help.Cartwright continued to look at them for a moment longer before he dropped his gaze to the comm station and entered a couple of commands. “Very well. I have sent more detailed information to your PADDs about the fugitives as well as all the steps that have already been taken to trace them. I want you to keep me and Admiral Henry, who - as all of you should be aware of by now – is the new head of Starfleet Security, posted about all progress made in this matter. Dismissed.”As they got up from their seats, murmur rose as captains began conversing with their first officers and admirals started discussing possible steps to be taken. Jim was just about to turn to Spock when he noticed Admiral Cartwright moving towards him and the Vulcan. Out of habit, he straightened, and from the corner of his eye he could see Spock adapting perfect parade posture.“At ease, gentlemen. I would ask you to accompany me to my office. There are some special orders and information for the Enterprise crew that I would like to discuss in a more private setting.”Jim nodded curtly, feeling the hair at the back of his neck stand up; a private conversation with the head of Starfleet concerning such a serious matter was never good. “Of course, Admiral.”They quickly made their way to the tenth floor where most admirals’ offices were located. The busy activities Jim had noticed when he had entered the building in the morning had not decreased, on the contrary. Beings of various ranks were busily scurrying from one office to another, making the place feel even more like a beehive than usual.Fleet Admiral Cartwright’s office had a complete glass-front on one side, giving him a perfect view over the Academy’s grounds. From this height, the students in their cadet uniforms looked like red dots moving over a field. A large, robust wooden desk had replaced the modern model Admiral Marcus had favored. Walking around it to sit down in his office chair, Cartwright gestured for Jim and Spock to take a seat in the two chairs in front of it.“Captain Kirk, Commander Spock, the head of Starfleet Security has informed me that the fugitives might be a special risk for members of the Enterprise crew. The Enterprise played a crucial role in taking down Marcus and preventing a war with the Klingon Empire. I think we can safely assume that, as Marcus’ loyal officers, the escaped prisoners will regard crew members of the Enterprise as targets, since you thwarted their mission.”The brief silence between them was almost deafening before Spock replied in a measured tone. “May I share an observation, Admiral? While I agree that the prisoner’s ire might be directed to members of the Enterprise in general, simply because they were stationed on the ship, I would argue that it is primarily the bridge crew that raised their anger. It was us that made the decisions leading to Marcus’ failure.”Admiral Cartwright nodded. “I agree with your conclusion, Mister Spock. It is certainly the senior command crew that played the biggest part in preventing a war with the Klingons – and I don’t say that to negate the sacrifices and contributions of the rest of the crew; everybody went above and beyond their duty that day. Yet from the perspective of those fugitives, the command crew might pose the best target for any revenge they might be planning.”Jim could feel his heartrate increasing as he tried to covertly wipe his increasingly sweaty hands on his uniform. His crew was in danger, again, because he had done the right thing and stopped Marcus. Because they had just done their job. Because they had been on the Enterprise. And because Marcus’ supporters weren’t willing to see the wrong of their ways and needed to try again.Anger flashed through him and he had to restrain himself to not let his fury show on his face. He knew his eyes would convey the message well enough. “I understand. And what are your orders, Admiral?”Cartwright’s features seemed to soften and there was a smile tugging at the corner of his lips when he answered, “I know how you feel, Kirk. Don’t forget that I was Captain for a long time before I became an admiral. I know all too well how it feels to have the privilege – and burden – of being responsible for the safety of so many people, your crew, your friends, weighing on your shoulders. Then, as well as now, I despised those who posed a threat to my extended family. Your actions, Kirk, show me that you care as much as I do about the people serving underneath you. Therefore, I expect you to undertake all necessary precautions to ensure their safety.”The knot of tension which had taken residence in his chest since they arrived in the admiral’s office, impeding every breath he drew, eased a little bit at these words. Shoulders sagging on their own accord, Jim nodded. “Yes, sir.”Cartwright nodded, then leaned back in his chair. “Report to me which steps you have taken to keep your crew members safe. Apart from that, your orders are the same as I have given downstairs during the meeting. Dismissed.”They didn’t say a word on their way to the elevator. Jim was lost in his thoughts and Spock- well, who ever really knew what Spock was thinking, but Jim guessed that he was probably already considering the next steps that had to be taken to protect the crew. Jim was trying to do so too, but underneath the façade of a captain, he felt deeply unsettled.Only a month.They had only gotten a month before the next disaster.Once they stepped into the turbo lift, he turned to Spock. “Mister Spock, please send out a message to all head of departments and ask them to come to my- uhm or maybe your office at fifteen hundred this afternoon, absence only in case of emergency.” He smiled ruefully at his First Officer. “I hope it’s alright that we take your office. I don’t think meeting in my probably unfurnished and definitely unused office would give a good impression. Not to mention that I don’t have the slightest idea where it actually is. Huh, guess I should look into that,” he said, trying to appear less agitated than he actually felt.Spock raised an eyebrow. “I agree with your reasons, Captain. I have no problem with sharing my office for the purpose of this meeting. Also, I assume that the location of your office was sent to you via message two weeks ago.”Jim sighed. “Yeah, I probably saw it but forgot all about it. I’ll look through my messages and sort it out, promise.”They fell silent for a while, but just when they stepped out of the lift, Spock said quietly, “I understand how you feel, Jim. It seems illogical to target our crew due to actions carried out in the line of duty. Yet I am also assured of their ability to take care of themselves and that in unity we will come out of this situation unscathed.” Louder he continued, “As of yet, we do not even know what the fugitives’ plans are. Our worries might be obsolete. Now, if you will excuse me, Captain.”With those words, he was gone, leaving Jim to wonder when exactly Spock had started to talk about his feelings.At fifteen hundred, he found himself facing not only all head of departments of the Enterprise but also all members of his senior command crew. Looking around the room, he spotted Uhura sitting next to Spock while Sulu was wedged between Chekov and Scotty who were conversing animatedly among each other. He was startled to notice that Bones was still absent. As CMO, he should have been notified about the meeting to receive the orders concerning the security of the medical personnel.Leaning towards Spock, he murmured, “Try to reach Bones over his personal communicator. If you don’t reach him that way, send for Doctor M’Benga; we need someone from medical here.”Bones’ silence didn’t sit right with Jim. Even if he was busy, he should have checked his messages; sudden meetings weren’t unusual these days and they had all taken up the habit to check their PADDs and communicators frequently.When he felt the murmur around him turn down, he fell into Captain mode. There was still time to worry about his friend later, but for now, his crew had to be his priority.They took the news about the recent potential threat as well as could be expected: with tight nods and worried expressions. Yet there seemed to be an overall resignation, as if they had expected nothing less; as if the fact that Starfleet, and they specifically, were at risk again had become some sort of routine.It wasn’t fair that they hadn’t even gotten a full month to grieve and recover before misfortune hit them again. Jim’s gaze drifted to Sulu who looked at the table surface in front of him, lips pressed into a thin line.At least among the bridge crew, Sulu was the only one with a family. Jim couldn’t imagine the worries his husband had to endure when the pilot was out on a mission. Not knowing if he would receive the dreaded message: “Deceased in line of duty.” And now this newest threat might endanger the entire family if the prisoners were particularly vindictive in their actions.Forcing his mind away from the thought of family, he directed his gaze back towards the entire room.“I know that you are still reeling from the last tragedy we had to deal with and that we all have not fully come to terms with the loss of so many of our crew. But-. “At this point, he was interrupted from the soft noise of the office door being opened. Jim looked up, expecting Bones to enter and give him a raised eyebrow as if to question what matter was of such importance to take him from his medical duties. But it was M’Benga, giving an apologetic smile and quietly taking an empty seat at the end of the table.Jim felt his stomach tighten in knots of worry at the sight of him rather than his best friend, yet he forced himself to continue as calmly as he could. “But nonetheless I am sure that we can overcome this new crisis. As safety measures, I would ask you to inform your departments that they are to keep their communicators with them all the time. Further, I want all personnel to check in with you as head of department every day at nine, fourteen and twenty hundred. All head of departments as well as the senior command crew I would ask to report to me and Mister Spock at ten, sixteen and twenty-one hundred every day; myself and Mister Spock will report to Admiral P- Admiral Janeway.”Carried away, he had almost forgotten that his commanding officer had needed to be replaced. Jim swallowed, feeling his heart tug painfully in his chest, as if to remind him this was already the second recollection of Pike’s death this day. The wound was still open, aching when prodded. “This might seem like an overreaction to some of you, and I very much understand if you think so. However, I don’t want to risk the lives and safety of this crew any more than absolutely necessary and if they have to accept some inconveniences in their daily lives for a couple of days, so be it.” He saw nodding heads around the table and breathed a small sigh of relief at their willing acceptance.“Expect some of your department members to be taken from their current position to help in the search of the fugitives. Are there any questions?” Upon seeing only head-shakings, he continued, “That would be all. Dismissed.”As the others got out of their seats and started mumbling among each other, he waved a hand over to the doctor. “Doctor M’Benga, a word please.”The man nodded and made his way over while Jim tried to calm his strained nerves. It was fine. There would be a perfectly logical explanation for Bones’ absence, maybe even one for which he could tease him.
Just—please let there be an explanation.
“Captain Kirk, Commander Spock, I apologize for my delay. I had only received the message for this meeting minutes before it started.”Jim waved it off. “Don’t worry about it, Doctor. Spock can fill you in about the information you missed. What I would like to know is: The message was originally meant for Doctor McCoy. Why was he not responding?”M’Benga’s brow furrowed in confusion and- worry. Jim felt his stomach drop. “Erm- I apologize again, sir, I’m afraid I cannot answer that. Doctor McCoy hasn’t come to his shift today and- since he had to stay so long last night for his meetings, I assumed he had switched shift with someone to finally have a day off - God knows he deserves it - and I didn’t further look into it… I’m not responsible for the shift plan, so…” He looked at Jim.“Did he not tell you this morning? I mean, I know you two share a flat, so you must have seen him, sir?”It was as if a heavy cord was cutting into his ribcage, leaving Jim with no room to draw breath. His heartbeat became faster, and he felt cold sweat break out along his back and neck.Bones hadn’t been to work today. Bones hadn’t been home for the night. He hadn’t seen him in more than 24 hours. He- where was he??Again, Jim forced himself to even out his breath. He couldn’t panic, not here and not yet. He was captain, he couldn’t lose it in front of his crew shortly after he had told them about potentially dangerous fugitives. And anyway, there might still be an explanation for Bones’ absence and silence. An absolutely logical one. He just needed to talk with other people, check if the they had seen him, try his communicator again and-Struck by sudden inspiration, he tried to portray a confident demeanor. “No, I haven’t seen him so far, but maybe he left earlier this morning and didn’t want to wake me. Thank you for being available on such a short notice, Doctor. If you would excuse me, Commander Spock can give you the information you missed.”With a nod to both, skillfully ignoring Spock’s raised eyebrow, he turned and walked over to where his senior command crew was still standing, quietly talking with each other. They looked at him when he approached them, the atmosphere among them tense. Scotty gave him a friendly pat on the back when he stopped next to him.“Aye laddie, those are some bad news. Wish those folks would just stay where they belong and leave us alone… But I’m sure Security will find them quick enough, what with everyone looking for ‘em”, he hurried to say upon seeing Chekov’s worried expression.Jim nodded and forced himself to smile. “Thank you, Scotty, I hope so as well. On another matter though: Has anyone of you seen Doctor McCoy today, or yesterday evening? I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning but didn’t think about it since he had his last meeting, which he told me would probably last well into the night. But Doctor M’Benga has just informed me that he didn’t show up for his shift today. I mean, I’m sure there are a number of reasons for his absence, but did you see him today already by any chance?”The tension seemed to skyrocket at his words and Jim was reminded once again why his crew was among the brightest at Starfleet- they immediately recognized what the implications of his words could be.Uhura regretfully shook her head. “I’m sorry Captain; I was at the Linguistics department all morning.”Sulu also shook his head. “Haven’t seen him either, I’m afraid. Ben and I took Demora to the zoo; she’s bugged us for months that she wanted to see the monkeys,” he chuckled, and Jim couldn’t help himself but smile at the image.When he turned towards Chekov, the young Russian regretfully shook his head. “нет, Keptin. Mister Zcott and I have been in talkz regarding ze repair of ze city’s power supply all morning. It iz ztill not working zmoothly.”Jim gnawed on his lip. So, Bones hadn’t been seen by his friends, at least his work-related friends. He could still ask the medical personnel of the Enterprise, maybe he had checked in with his head nurse Christine Chapel. But something told him that his query would be just as useless and there was only one more step he could think of.“Scotty, would you be able to track his communicator from here?”His chief engineer only briefly hesitated before nodding. “Aye, I could do ‘at, although it’s certainly not legal without a valid legal justification.”Jim waved him off. “We won’t need it for anything juridical, I only want to check his whereabouts.” He hesitated, but continued, “It might be nothing, but- in the light of recent events I would really like to make sure he is alright.”Scotty nodded and went over to the comm station at Spock’s desktop. Jim could hear Uhura step next to him and turned to meet her worried gaze. “You think his absence is related to the prison break, don’t you?”Jim shrugged his shoulders and desperately tried to keep a cool expression. “I’m not sure. Obviously, I hope it got nothing to do with it and is related to something else entirely, but I need to be certain. If-. ““Captain, I’ve got him!” Scotty’s shout interrupted Jim and his heart sped up excitedly as he moved to stand next to him. “That was quick - well done, Scotty! Where is he?”“Well, it seems as if he is on the Academy grounds. The coordinates for his communicator are- well, he seems to be only some hundred meters from our living quarters.”A wave of relief surged through Jim and he seemed to breathe easier at those words. “So, he’s on his way home?” But why would he go home when he had received a message asking him to come to Spock’s office for important business? Maybe his communicator was broken? Or maybe he had seen it belatedly and was now on his way here?“Erm, I guess. To be ‘onest, he doesn’t seem to be movin’ though. His location indicates that he’s on one of the paths between Starfleet Medical and your flat, but since I track’d ‘im, he hasn’t moved ‘n inch.”Confused, Jim furrowed his brow. “Alright. I’ll go see if I find him. Good job, Scotty. Could you keep tracking him and text me in case he moves somewhere else?” “Aye, no problem.”“I’m coming with you”, said Uhura. Jim simply nodded, not caring to argue with her.The sun was still shining brightly outside and most of the Academy’s students appeared to enjoy the last days of warmth and sunshine before the rainy days of autumn would inevitably replace them. It was only a ten-minute walk but when they reached the place Scotty had sent them to, there was no sign of the doctor. There were various students walking past, but no Bones. To be honest, Jim didn’t know why anyone would stop here for a prolonged period anyway, especially if you were by yourself. There was nothing to see, only Starfleet accommodations, some green and another path crossing this one. Looking around, he didn’t see a trace of his friend. Glancing at Uhura who seemed just as confused as he was, he pulled out his communicator to ask Scotty whether he was sure this was the right place, when he thought better of it and instead called Bones’ number. Maybe he was in one of the buildings and Scotty’s search just hadn’t been precise enough.The tune of a catchy pop song from the last century startled Jim and made him turn his head to the right. It was a melody he easily recognized: He had sung that song for karaoke once at one of his favorite bars, back when he was still a cadet. Unfortunately, he had already drunk more than one beer too many that night and while he could be a decent singer at times, this had happened to be one of his less stellar performances. Bones, on the other hand, found the whole scene so hilarious that he had picked the song as personal ring tone for Jim on his communicator.The song kept playing and while he looked around to see where it was coming from, Uhura stepped to one of the bushes on the side of the path and brushed away a couple of branches.Jim heard her gasp and pick something up from underneath the bush, then turn around with an alarmed expression on her face. “Jim, you better take a look at this.”With the feeling of lead forming in his limbs and dread in the pit of his stomach, he stepped next to her and looked at the device in the palm of her hand. His own name and number blinked back at him while the tune cheerily continued to play.It was Bones’ communicator, with a crack running through the display, apparently from when it had fallen to the ground since Jim couldn’t remember having seen it like this before. And while there was the possibility that Bones had simply lost his communicator on his way home, it appeared like one more coincidence that Jim couldn’t ignore. The bad feeling, which had started when he first hadn’t been able to reach his friend, and which had intensified over the day, sent forth its tendrils through his entire chest and he had to honestly admit to himself that his friend might be in real trouble.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Do not go gentle into that good night, …
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
Dylan Thomas, “Do not go gentle into that good night”When Leonard regained some of his senses, it was to the cold seeping through his clothes and darkness enclosing him from all sides. He waited some seconds, hoping his eyes would adjust to the blackness around him. There wasn’t a single source of light, and so his surroundings remained pitch black. With a groan he closed his eyes again.Based on the cold creeping through the layers of his medical uniform, but especially from the hard, even ground underneath him, he figured that he was inside a building, maybe an old warehouse. The floor seemed to be made from simple cement, making it appear even colder than the air. Trying to sit up to at least minimize the contact to the floor, he made another discovery: His legs and hands were tied together and by the feel of it, with real metallic handcuffs which hadn’t been used in law enforcement since the end of the 22nd century. Nonetheless, they proved quite effective as his meagre struggles yielded absolutely no results. Which didn’t mean much considering his limbs felt as heavy as if they were laden with wet sand, making every small movement a strenuous act. His head was the worst though, beating like a drum and steadily becoming worse the longer Leonard was awake. There was a strange taste in his mouth, sweet and---Leonard’s eyes snapped open.He was not only tied, but there was a gag in his mouth and how he hadn’t noticed that first was beyond him. At least, the shock at this new discovery managed to clear his thoughts somewhat. His memories returning, he stiffened as he remembered the blackout, the strange man approaching him, a hypo to his neck, someone grabbing him from behind- and then nothing, only darkness. Remembering brought renewed panic and Leonard felt his heartbeat increase, his muscles tensing unbiddenly in response to a belayed fight-or-flight reaction.He had been kidnapped by some lunatic that apparently knew who he was and, worse, who might have an inkling in his involvement with Khan’s blood. Leonard didn’t want to think about what they planned to do with him to gain access to this knowledge.A screeching noise and sudden brightness interrupted his train of thoughts, forcing him to close his eyes tightly. Heavy steps advanced and seemed to stop right in front of him. Knowing that his erratic breathing would give away any pretension of sleep, he carefully blinked to give his eyes some time to adjust to the light. Once he managed to keep them open, he chanced a glance up.The first thing he noticed were the boots in front of his face. Tracing his gaze upwards, his eyes moved over unobtrusive clothing up to the face of a man. It wasn’t the stranger who had stopped Leonard earlier. Possibly one of the men who had incapacitated him. As far as he could tell, the man had blue eyes that regarded him coolly. A scar was running from his left eye down his cheek, coming to an end at his chin. Dirty blond hair hung into his face and muscles stretched the material of the jacket he was wearing.For a moment, they looked at each other silently. Slowly, a malicious smile spread across the others face and Leonard instinctively tried to recoil. He didn’t come far. Taking a hypo from the pocket of his trousers, the man knelt next to Leonard and grabbed his shoulder firmly to keep him in place.Panic was racing through the doctor’s blood. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest and despite the grip, he reared up, trying to struggle free. It was of no use and it seemed like a déjà-vu when the cold metal pressed against the tender skin on his neck and another drug entered his system.The effect was even more immediate than before. Leonard felt his limbs getting heavier and heavier. At the same time, his mind became sluggish. It was difficult to grasp a coherent thought and he barely noticed when the guy left the room, turning off the light and leaving him in complete darkness again.Time lost its meaning to Leonard. He couldn’t concentrate as his mind kept drifting from one thought or memory to another.One moment he considered what he might buy Uhura as a birthday present.The next he was looking down at Jim’s dead body.A second later, it was his father, begging him to end his pain, only to be replaced with an image of him applauding Leonard at his graduation from the University of Mississippi.On and on it went, memories of his childhood, his time as a student, a cadet at the Academy, the destruction of Vulcan.Spock looking at him with an expression that might indicate concern, in a Vulcan.And Jim.So many images of Jim, smiling, laughing, fighting, leading the Enterprise like the captain he was always meant to be.Leonard didn’t know how long he was under the drug’s influence, until finally some awareness of his surroundings returned. He groaned. His entire body hurt from lying on the cold floor, limbs restrained in one position for far longer than healthy for his blood circulation. With more perception, Leonard became aware of his growing hunger and thirst as well. His throat felt dry and raw, and he mentally cursed the gag that kept him from even wetting his lips.Hearing the screeching noise accompanied by the sudden brightness, he tried to move away without thinking. His body barely twitched, restrained not only by the cuffs on his wrists and ankles, but even more thoroughly by the drugs in his system. His eyes were unable to focus; everything appeared as if through a blurred lens or underwater.Again, there were heavy footsteps, yet this time, when they stopped, the gag was roughly ripped out of his mouth. Leonard took in a startled breath and promptly started to cough as the fresh air caught in his throat. Blearily, he looked up. Instead of a hypo, the man held a water bottle. Kneeling besides Leonard’s head, he unscrewed it and held it to the doctor’s lips.“Drink.”While Leonard objectively knew that he shouldn’t consume anything his captors gave him since it could be spiked with even more substances, his body was in no state to comply with these Academy safety drills. The second the cool liquid touched his lips, he greedily opened his mouth to drink. The water sliding down his parched throat was soothing, reviving his mind so that he could feel his thoughts untangle somewhat. “Good little doctor.”The sneer startled him and before Leonard could react, another hypo was pressed to his neck and its content released into his bloodstream.The effect was instantaneous this time. Leonard’s mind went under, his thoughts turning into a confused muddle again where nothing took real shape. He didn’t know how long it lasted this time. Just when he got the impression that awareness was slowly returning, there was another press to his neck and the cycle repeated itself.Time seemed to lose relevance as there were only memories, a stream of memories cut together like a bad movie, with no chronological order. His mind was a jumbled mess and with every dose of drug administered, reality moved further and further away from his conscious grasp. Two more times Leonard had the distinct impression that someone gave him more water to drink, but he wasn’t able to concentrate on that. He knew, in those short moments resembling minimal lucidity, that he should be worried about this while a small voice in the back of his mind, sounding oddly enough like Jim, urged him to fight it. But while his captors apparently deemed it necessary to provide him with just enough water, food didn’t seem to rank high on their scale of necessities for their prisoner. So, with every slow, brief return to consciousness, Leonard became aware of his increasing hunger, robbing him of his last remains of strength. When he finally regained a state that could be called “somewhat aware”, Leonard wasn’t sure how often the drug had been administered; he had stopped counting after the fifth time. As he slowly became capable of more coherent thoughts again, he noticed that he was alone. No-one came to inject him with another dose and the lights remained turned off.Leonard took a deep breath.First things first, he had to use this break, however short it may be, to check his physical and mental state. His thoughts were still sluggish, tending to drift from one topic, one memory to another, although slightly better than when he had been under the immediate influence of the drugs. Clenching painfully, his stomach was demanding food indignantly, and his throat felt dry from thirst; it must have been some time since he had last gotten something to drink. His wrists and ankles hurt where the metal of the cuffs had rubbed against tender skin. Moving in general seemed like a bad idea: He felt like an ice sculpture, the cold from the ground and his surroundings having had enough time to freeze every cell of his body.Deep calming breaths.He needed to take deep breaths to keep the slimy tendrils of fear from ensnaring his mind. Leonard knew that he was in bad shape, that even if he weren’t restrained, he probably wouldn’t get far as his body was simply too weak to move. Normally, he could keep a straight mind during dangerous situations; after all, he was the CMO of the flagship, captained by James Tiberius Kirk, king of foolish, hare-brained, stunningly-idiotic-but-still-somehow-working ideas. Not losing one’s mind in one of those scenarios came with the job description and was additionally a skill finely tuned during his years as a trauma surgeon. But Leonard couldn’t count on this defense. The drugs still in his system kept him from thinking clearly; and it scared him to even contemplate the prospect that he might be completely helpless against what his captors had planned for him.Another breath. Don’t you think like that, Leonard. Focus, you need to focus, and when an opportunity comes, you strike. It was all he could think. Accompanied from the steady mantra of Jim is coming, he’ll find me, they’re looking for me. The by now familiar screeching noise of a door opening tore him from his thoughts. Even before the lights turned on, he could tell that something was different. The footsteps approaching sounded heavier and- louder- out of tune. As if more than one person was walking towards him.Against his will, Leonard opened his eyes. His sight was still blurry - and Leonard couldn’t help himself but send a quick prayer to whoever deity was willing to listen that this wouldn’t be permanent -, but the two pairs of legs standing in front of him were still clearly discernible.There was a short pause before Leonard felt hands grabbing him underneath his arms and lifting him up. The change in position spiked his nausea and had he eaten anything in the hours – or days, more likely – since they had taken him, he probably would have thrown up. As it was, everything went black for a couple of seconds while his captors dragged him along, his chained feet unable to hold him. When Leonard came back to his senses, the two men next to him had stopped in front of a metallic door, entering a code to gain entry. Contrary to the previous door leading to Leonard’s immediate prison, this one hissed open quietly. Since his surroundings still looked blurred, Leonard couldn’t really decipher much. There were some tables, cluttered with various electronic devices. A comm station projecting an image of something into the air.And a chair. A chair with restraints.This one Leonard had no trouble recognizing as his captors dragged him towards it.Panic slammed into him anew with full force as unbidden images of what they would do to him came to the forefront of Leonard’s mind, and instinctively he tried to struggle free. His protests remained muffled by the gag still in his mouth and while the adrenaline rushing through his veins managed to sharpen his mind somewhat, his strength was still depleted from who-knew how many days without food and too little water.His heart was racing, his stomach churning, and he yanked on his arms to free them from the grip the two men had on him, but it was to no avail. Dragging him forward, they paid no attention to his struggles and when he refused to corporate in their attempt to place him in the chair, he heard an irritated sigh before a fist connected with his face.The pain robbed Leonard of his senses for a while, only able to feel the sharp burn on his right side, slowly spreading through the rest of his head and settling in an insistent headache, drilling behind his brow. He couldn’t see what they were doing as his vision had once again returned to black intercepted by bright stars and lightnings. Dimly the doctor felt harsh hands on his arms and upper body, forcing him into the chair, restraining and chaining his limbs none-too-gently.When he became more aware of his surroundings again, Leonard’s eyes fell on a woman standing beside him, a PADD in her hand. Unable to focus his eyes, her face remained indistinct although he could recognize the color of her hair as dark ginger.An image of Gaila came to his mind involuntary and Leonard shook his head to clear his head of the memory. Not the time, nor the place to think of a dead friend.“Doctor McCoy.” Her voice sounded gentle, almost soothing, although Leonard could still detect the undertone of someone trained and used to giving orders. “I would like to apologize for the manner in which this meeting is taking place, but I am afraid the current political circumstances, and your personal stance on our agenda, do not allow for a more amiable setting.”Oh joy, the talk of a politician if he ever heard one. Apart from the absurdity of his kidnapper actually having the nerves to apologize and justify their abduction, Leonard had never possessed a lot of patience for people beating around the bush. There was a reason why he was usually excluded from diplomatic talks.He hated that he had to cough a few times to convince his voice to produce sounds again and he winced at the pain that shot through his throat at the action. Damn kidnappers and their limited water rations! “Why, thanks, apology not accepted! I don’t know about ya, but people snatchin’ unsuspecting beings off the street on their way home make me a bit wary on principle, ya see? Same goes for restraints, druggin’ me and lockin’ me up in the dark for god-knows how long! And what about the presumption I won’t understand your cause?! I don’t even know what that would be!”Ranting helped, had always helped to soothe his nerves, to keep the panic at bay. To stall time in the hope that Jim’s crazy luck had somehow transferred onto him and rescue would storm through the door any minute.Any minute now.A snort drew his attention to one of the men standing farther away. He couldn’t really make out their shape, their dark clothes mixing with the bleak color of the walls thanks to Leonard’s compromised sight, but he tried to level a glare in the general direction nonetheless.“Well, that’s certainly true. Let me enlighten you then: momentarily the majority of Starfleet is on the lookout for four escaped prisoners, agents of Section 31.”She didn’t need to say more; muddled his brain might be but dumb he was not.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit…. Rescue would be great right about NOW!
“Allow me to introduce myself: Doctor Tyrell, former head of medical within Section 31. You’ve met Commander Centrich already, he was our head of the weaponry department. Lieutenant Commander Simril was responsible for security and- ensuring cooperation of guests unwilling to see reason. He was the one to administer your- medicine.”Leonard couldn’t keep from shuddering at her words, though he tried to cover it. Lunatics. He was in the hands of lunatics loyal to the ideas of Section 31 and the likes of Admiral Marcus. It reminded him of Khan. Another lunatic, trying to destroy the Enterprise, their crew, his friends, his…“…Wildner, who could probably put that engineering genius of the Enterprise - what’s his name? Scott? - anyways, who could put him to shame if Nolan weren’t focused more on warfare.”Shit, he needed to pay attention. His mind had started to drift, the drugs in his bloodstream only slowly releasing their grip. Weakening his concentration.“What’s that got to do with me? Seems like you’ve got all areas covered, seein’ as you’re a doctor yourself and therefore certainly as qualified as I to make the diagnosis that your harebrained schemes of whatever won’t work. They will stop you and lock you up again!”A chuckle interrupted Leonard in his rant. The woman, Doctor Tyrell, seemed to regard him with something akin to amusement. It did nothing to calm his nerves.“As amusing as your rantings are, I think we will change them in your new setting. It is highly time consuming and not very efficient, as your Vulcan officer would put it.”As panicked as he had been before, the ice-cold spear of fear that tore through his innards for an instant took his breath away.“What-what are talking about? What- setting…?”Doctor Tyrell smiled, Leonard’s blurry sight sharpening just enough to identify the green of her eyes.“Ah, you’re right, I haven’t identified our cause. We worked with Admiral Marcus, supported his path to wage war against the Klingon Empire. They have proven again and again that they understand but one language and it is time that we respond alike. Since the Admiral can’t lead us anymore, it is our duty to fulfill his mission, for the greater good of the Federation- even if the majority consists of fools unwilling to accept the only possible solution for the sake of illusionary peace!”Her face had darkened, her voice taking on an edge betraying the passion she felt about the topic.“I was responsible for any medical advances that might further our cause. My greatest success, however, I discovered quite accidentally.”She looked aside, ghosting a hand over one of the machines standing to her right.“A couple of years ago, we had organized a prisoner transport from Atlanta State Prison to one of our locations in the city. As I was stationed there, I took up some experiments in one of my pet issues, neurosurgery. I will not bore you with many details as you won’t remember them anyway once we are done, but in the end, I was able to develop a procedure which allowed me to target and alter specific memories through the smallest of electrical shocks onto the synapses activated when recalling a specific memory. First, I frequently deleted too much, as the test person forgot more than I had intended; but over time, I managed to perfect the procedure. Now, I am able to override personal memories of people, events, but leave basic procedural and semantic memory intact. By the end, my test objects even survived the intrusion.”Her smile had turned sharp, the green of her eyes boring into Leonard’s.“So far, we had no long-term results as my latest test subject was killed in the London attack. At this point, his memory had been altered for two weeks with no signs of returning. In the name of scientific research, I would like to extend my gratitude, Doctor McCoy, for agreeing to become another proband to see if my technique is finally perfected and really does delete long-term memories permanently. You should feel honored.”Leonard felt a lot of things but honored certainly wasn’t one of them. There was panic, clear and sharp, cutting through his foggy minds, making his heart race. Fear, nausea. Anger. Who had given her the right to use those people as her fucking guinea pigs?!He must have said those last words loud because Doctor Tyrell laughed.“Who gave me the right? Well, who gave you the right to develop a serum that could raise the dead? Who gave you the right to use your dear captain as ‘guinea pig’, as you call it? Who gave you the right to keep that knowledge to yourself?”Leonard felt as if all air had been pressed out of his lungs, nothing left to breathe. He had suspected that it was about Khan and the trice-damned serum, but this confirmed his fears.Doctor Tyrell smiled. “We are not so different, you and I, Doctor. We both used others in the name of science, and both got rewarded with something that could help a lot of people, could support our fight against the Klingons and others posing a threat to the Federation. The only difference, Doctor, is that I am willing to share, to give myself willingly and gladly to this cause. And you, you stick to the old values of morality and a belief in your own righteousness. But as an old German saying goes: He that will not listen must feel.”He felt like throwing up, the nausea having nothing to do with his hunger or the drugs in his system. They were not the same. Whatever this woman was saying, Leonard knew there was a difference. When Jim had lain on his table, pale, unmoving and dead, he hadn’t spared a thought about medical advances, about research. There had only been an all compassing pain pulsating from his heart, threatening to tear him apart.It hadn’t been about science or even about the Federation losing a great man.It had been about Leonard not wanting to lose his best friend, closer to him than his remaining family.It had been about love.Leonard took in a sharp breath as the realization of his feelings for Jim hit him. All those years of friendship, of trust and hardships had somehow culminated in the simple fact that he had fallen in love with Jim Kirk.Leonard’s timing had always been bad.“I will give you a couple of minutes to think about my proposal while I prepare my instruments; the drugs in your system already fulfilled their purpose to facilitate the erasure of your memories.” Doctor Tyrell’s voice raised him from his thoughts and Leonard looked at her, sight blurry for a different reason than the drugs.“Tell us how to create the serum that raised Captain Kirk from the dead. We have seen the footage that your clever Mr. Scott tried to disperse: He was already dead when he was brought to your sickbay, and no ordinary resuscitation would have changed that. Radioactive poisoning remains fatal to this day, you know that just as well as I do. So, tell us how you did it and I will only erase the memories of your stay here; Simril and Wildner will drop you at your apartment and you will never see us again.”She looked at him intently, fingers closed in a tight fist next to her. “Or you can remain stubborn and refuse us. Then I will erase everything that makes you Leonard McCoy. The memories of your crew, your family, friends. Memories from your childhood until today. Everything that is not related to your medical knowledge and your basic functions as an adult human-being will be gone. You will be a nameless doctor, leading in your profession and therefore still able to recreate that serum but with nothing else, nothing to tell you who you are and what shaped you.”She moved away, turning towards the machine again. “You have five minutes to decide.”
You only care about medicine, only care about being a doctor. I am HERE, Leonard, I have been here this entire time, waiting for you to realize that there is more than work. But then, I guess I have never been enough for someone whose only love is his job.
Leonard thought it had a bitter irony that he would finally become what Jocelyn had always accused him of.Jocelyn. They had both hurt each other so badly, destroyed so much during their divorce. He had always been resentful about it, but right now he felt nothing but regret. He would never get the opportunity to make peace with that particular part of his past.Leonard felt the tears that had gathered in the corners of his eyes slide down his temples, collecting in his ears, but there was nothing he could do to wipe them away, so he didn’t bother. He felt the fear and panic clawing at him, ensnaring his heart and mind, suffocating him, but he refused to give in to those feelings. He wouldn’t spend his last minutes as Leonard McCoy bemoaning his fate and quivering in fear!Because there was no alternative. When he had created that serum, he had taken responsibility for it, for its use and propagation.I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant: Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. Above all, I must not play at God.He had meant those words when he had sworn them. And whatever else might be done with it, Leonard was sure that Doctor Tyrell or someone else of Section 31 would use the serum as a weapon not only against the Klingons but ultimately against everyone who posed a threat to their ideals. They might have to alter it, but eventually there was no limit on how to use the cure for death to whichever purpose. And Leonard was not only a doctor, but an officer of Starfleet as well; he had a responsibility towards the peoples of the Federation.He had always known he would eventually encounter the day when he would rue his decision to join that blasted organization.Taking a deep breath, Leonard tried to focus on his breathing and to get his brain to calm down. He wanted to remember as much of his life as long as he could.He pictured his mother in their living room, working on some article she wanted to publish in a scientific journal, but interrupting her work to smile at him and ask after his day. There were memories of them hiking together, riding and gardening together. Even the smell of her shampoo came to his mind, piercing his heart in sudden longing for her.There were memories of his father as he read to him before bedtime. As he brought him to the small rural clinic where he worked so that Leonard could do his school work there and afterwards watch his father practice medicine. The first medical book he had given Leonard for his fourteenth birthday. So many memories of his father before he had gotten sick, of his gentle encouragements and guidance. Of the huge family dinners he had always prepared during the holidays, with Leonard’s help once he was old enough.His grandparents traveling to San Francisco just to see him graduate, so that he had at least some family present to cheer for him. His aunts and uncles during the holidays, always laughing and arguing loudly to ensure their voices could be heard over the overall ruckus that came with such large get-togethers.Memories of the Enterprise.Of Uhura patiently teaching him Andorii when he had gotten the idea that he needed to learn a new language.Of Scotty looking wide-eyed at him while lying on a bio-bed, assuring him that he had no idea how that blasted pipe had exploded and burned off the first layer of skin on his hands but if he refrained from mentioning that in his report, he would see what he could do about getting him a bottle of Bourbon on their next shore-leave.Of Sulu discussing alien plants and their healing potentials with him, and Chekov excitedly commenting on the healing potential of everything growing in Russia.Even of Spock arguing with him, riling him up but clearly enjoying the combat between logic and emotion. Spock looking worried, for a Vulcan, when he worked himself to the ground for the sake of Jim.Jim.Leonard felt a renewed, a deeper pain in his heart and he bit his lips to keep a sob from slipping past them.He wished he had realized his true feelings for his friend sooner; he would have loved to explore them. To see if there was even the possibility that Jim might feel the same for him. If they had a chance to become more than friends.But it was too late now, and regret wouldn’t get him anywhere at this point, so Leonard concentrated on the good times, on his memories as Jim’s best friend.On the nights they went out drinking, on the nights they stayed in to study or watch a movie. On the nights they talked about nothing in particular, and the nights they shared the burdens of their past demons. The shared classes, the hardships of working their asses off to be at the top of their respective tracks. Days on the Enterprise discussing missions, ship-talk or just spending time together.Leonard knew he would miss Jim’s smile the most, the way his eyes lost their hard edge and lit up like bright lapis lazuli.“Have you come to a decision, Doctor McCoy?”Doctor Tyrell’s voice ripped him from the refugee of his mind and with a shaking breath, Leonard opened his eyes.The machine she had looked at before had been moved closer to him so that Leonard could identify at least some electrodes connected to it as well as some form of helmet which seemed to function as a scanner and projector.Everything in him screamed to just tell her, to give in, because chances were that he might produce the serum anyway if his medical knowledge truly remained untouched. Then it would have all been for nothing.But Leonard knew that Starfleet would be looking for him and, more importantly, their escaped prisoners and he was certain that they would eventually find them. His trust in Starfleet was at least high enough to assure him of that.It was Leonard’s responsibility to stall for time so that they could find him before he reproduced the serum. He just wished that it could have been in time to save his past as well.When he looked up into her green eyes, there was just one answer he could give her.“Lieutenant Commander Leonard McCoy, Chief Medical Officer, USS Enterprise.”Doctor Tyrell smiled, her eyes dancing with anticipation.“I had hoped that you would say that. You know, I love a challenge. How about we erase some of these facts first?”
“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love,
the things you are,
the things you never want to lose.”
Kevin Arnold from the TV-series “The Wonder Years”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Like that wound of mine
Of which none knew,
For I’d given no sign
That it pierced me through.”
Thomas Hardy, “The Wound”Unsurprisingly, Jim had never wanted to know what it would feel like if someone cut out a vital part of his body. His liver, perhaps, or his kidneys. Maybe his entire stomach. It certainly felt like it for the hollow feeling that radiated from it.Maybe it was a late after-effect of the radiation poisoning and with its creator gone, the cure had stopped working so that death may claim their rightful victim. Jim wouldn’t put it past whoever held the threads of his life at the moment. Seemed like they enjoyed seeing him suffer.Bones (no, Dr. McCoy, Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise – he had to carefully distinguish the two to not go crazy with worry) had gone missing more than twenty-four hours ago. Well, technically it had only been sixteen-and-a-half-hours when they had discovered it but by the time Jim had finished giving his reports to the Admiralty and Starfleet Security, the one-day mark had passed. Wasn’t there a statistic claiming that the chances of finding clues were drastically decreased after twenty-four hours? Or was it forty-eight? Why had it taken them so long to realize that Bones had gone missing?
Not them. You. You failed him. He brought you back to life and you failed to protect him.
Jim felt like throwing up. Or like punching someone, repeatedly. He wasn’t picky what it turned out to be, although the latter choice would surely be less disgusting.Maybe he should go to the gym, find a punching bag and attack it until it was ripped to pieces. Or until Jim’s arms fell off. Again, he wasn’t picky.Stepping into the cool night air outside Headquarters, Jim forced himself to take a deep breath to get his jumbled thoughts into order.To say Cartwright had been worried about this new development was an understatement. More than once Jim had seen that neutral mask of the politician and leader slip to show a glimpse of the frustration the man felt underneath.Jim could sympathize.As a captain, he was concerned for his crew member, someone he was responsible for, who was under his care, yet he could take some comfort in knowing that his CMO was trained, had been prepared for this scenario during his training – in theory at least. He also knew that Starfleet would leave no stone untouched to not only find their fugitives but also one of the best medics they had in active duty. So, as a professional, Captain Kirk was agitated but not unduly so.As a friend – well, that was an entirely different matter. It seemed as if his mind had nothing better to do than conjure new images of what these people could do to his friend while Jim was stuck in a meeting that seemed to be going on for eternity. Every second he came up with another reason why Bones’ Starfleet training might prove to be futile. As a friend, he could barely keep the fear from showing on his face.He must have drifted off in thought one to many times because the next thing Jim knew he had been banned from the investigation, proclaimed “emotionally compromised” by the commander in chief. That he was named as Bones’ emergency contact and had nearly lost it in his rage of being excluded hadn’t really improved his situation.Pressing the balls of his hands into his eye-sockets until he saw blinking shooting stars, Jim willed his racing heart to slow down.“Captain.”Letting his arms fall next to his side, Jim blinked to focus his sight on Spock, face as impassive as ever. Somehow, he felt even more enraged by it.“Geez, Spock, show me how much you care, don’t you? The news of Bones’ disappearance seems to have hit you real hard.”The moment those words left his lips, Jim felt like an asshole. There was a small twitch around Spock’s right eye, briefly disturbing the image of serenity he was otherwise presenting. Anyone else would have missed it, yet they had been through too much together. Jim knew that those words had hurt his first officer, even if he wouldn’t allow himself to really feel it, let alone show it.“I’m sorry, Spock, that was uncalled for. I know you are worried about him.”Spock inclined his head in agreement. “Indeed. The doctor and I may disagree on a variety of topics, yet I have come to value his emotional input and our debates; it proves to be very stimulating, not to mention satisfying to advert to some of the logical lapses in the doctor’s reasoning.”Jim snorted. “Yeah, I guessed so. So, what did I miss? Did you manage to convince Cartwright to let me come back on board?”“I am afraid I was unable to argue with the Fleet Admiral’s logic. You are emotionally too involved to objectively and rationally investigate this case; your previous actions only seem to verify his opinion on that matter.”Hot rage shot through his veins, buzzing in his ears. “I’m the fucking Captain of the Enterprise, what does he think I’ve been doing the past year??!! Thinking rationally when my crew is in danger might not be my strong suit, I admit that, but if he had bothered to actually read one of my damn reports…”“Captain, you misunderstand. It is not your judgement as captain in general that is questioned; despite some rashness, you have proven yourself on countless occasions, as I pointed out to the chief in command.”Spock’s words of support threw some cooling water on Jim’s raging ire and he managed a smile in the Vulcan’s direction. “Thank you, Spock.”Spock nodded. “Admiral Cartwright agrees with me, yet Doctor McCoy is not any crew member, is he? Like Admiral Pike was not any Admiral. I could not refute this argument as it is the truth.”A physical punch in the gut would have hurt less. Obviously, Spock couldn’t argue that; Jim himself couldn’t argue with that logic because hadn’t they recently seen how far he would go in his desire for justice and revenge? The result was still recognizable to anyone bothering to look at the debris of former San Francisco buildings.Of course he was too emotionally compromised; the scenarios of what was happening to Bones kept running through his head like a bad slides show, leaving him unable to even carry on a calm conversation with his first officer.A punching bag really would come in handy right about now.“You’re right. Fuck, you’re right, Spock. I can’t participate because I don’t know what’s happening to him and that’s driving me crazy. But you know what’s even worse? Doing nothing. You can’t expect me to sit at the sideline, wondering what’s going on and if you’ve got any clues, you just can’t! You know me well enough by now, so what’s your idea? I’m open to all suggestions to get me back in the loop.”If he didn’t know better, Jim would say the Vulcan almost looked- satisfied.“I indeed anticipated that reaction and have thought of a solution that you will hopefully deem acceptable. After you had left the meeting, Mister Scott, Mister Chekov and I volunteered our services in the search for Doctor McCoy; Mister Sulu and Miss Uhura have done so as well, yet so far there is no need for their skills. Mister Scott and Mister Chekov are now working on restoring some video footage of the surveillance camera where the doctor was taken; the main power may have been disrupted, but the security system has been programmed to switch to an independent auxiliary power in case of a blackout. The night images are not in an optimal condition, which is why Mister Scott and Mister Chekov are currently trying to improve them,” Spock said, looking almost pained at the thought of something not functioning as it should be.“Admiral Cartwright mentioned nothing about information not being brought to the attention of someone who has been part of the investigation until recently and has the necessary security clearance. Therefore, until there are different orders, I see no problem in informing you about any developments, provided you do not carry out any actions that could be categorized as ‘foolhardy’.”For a brief moment, Jim wondered if it was the human side in Spock or if all Vulcans were secretly sneaky as hell when they wanted to be. Based on his interactions with the older Spock, he strongly assumed the latter.Not that he cared; he was just tremendously grateful that Spock had found a way to include him without breaking the rules- technically.Although he wasn’t so sure whether Cartwright would agree on that. “Geez, Spock, that sounds like something I would say. Nice to see that I seem to have finally rubbed off on you.”Jim would forever wonder how Vulcans managed to look exasperated without moving a single muscle on their faces.“I assure you, Captain, nothing of that sort has happened. However, based on previous experiences I have come to the conclusion that it would be better for everyone involved if you are at least informed about the proceedings. Otherwise it would probably become necessary to organize another search in case you get abducted as well in your desire to find the doctor; in fact, I have calculated a worryingly high probability of 76,68 percent for this scenario.”Now that was just insulting. He was a grown up, not a toddler, thank you very much.“Your faith in my capabilities is astounding and very reassuring, Mister Spock”, Jim answered dryly.The Vulcan raised an eyebrow yet refrained from commenting the issue further.“If I may, I have another suggestion to make, this one in the name of Lieutenant Uhura. She suggested that you may move in with us for the duration of this investigation.”Jim crossed his arms.“I don’t need you as babysitters. Despite what all of you seem to think, I can fucking take care of myself.”There was a strange softness in Spock’s eyes, the neutral mask being lowered just enough to reveal a brief glimpse at the emotions his first officer tried so hard to repress.“This is not meant as an insult towards you, Jim. You are under no obligation to prove anything. However, logically it would be of more convenience if you were to live with Lieutenant Uhura and I. In this manner, it would be far easier and more efficient to relay relevant information concerning the doctor’s abduction. Further, Lieutenant Uhura has made me aware of the emotional impact your empty apartment may have on you. She fears that you may feel Leonard’s absence more keenly when you spend the time alone in the place you usually share with him. Based on my experience with humans, and you in particular, I concur with her reasoning.”Fuck.He hadn’t even thought about that.The idea of entering their flat, looking at the door to Bones’ bedroom and being reminded that he had excused the doctor’s absence with work just this morning…
What if I had suspected something sooner? Would there be more clues already? Would it have changed anything?
The pain and worry about his friend flared again, throbbing painfully in Jim’s chest and abdomen, clawing at his innards like an ugly, hurting creature, demanding his attention.Jim swallowed against the tightness in his throat.He could insist that he didn’t need their worry, could claim again and again that he was fine.But the truth was- he wasn’t. Jim wasn’t fine at all and the thought that he had to be confronted with his failure as a friend on a daily basis by staying at their apartment was more than he thought he could bear at the moment.“Thank you, Spock. I- I would- appreciate if I could stay with the two of you until- you know… until we find Bones.”Spock simply nodded.“Would you like to collect some clothing and personal belongings for your stay with us?”The prospect of entering his apartment really shouldn’t be terrifying, yet Jim still felt as if the simple question was choking him.Forcing himself to release some of the tension in his body, he answered, “Yes, that- that would be great, thank you, Spock.”There was a brief silence before Spock made a vague hand gesture, “Very well. After you, Captain.”The next day Scotty and Chekov had edited the surveillance material just enough to confirm what everyone had already suspected: Doctor McCoy had been taken by three of the four fugitives and been taken to an unknown location. While the camera showed the moment the kidnapping took place, there were no further clues of their whereabouts; once the men had left the camera range, they had only been spotted on one more camera on campus, close to one of the lecture buildings on the southside, which didn’t really tell them much: It was the fastest way into the city where there weren’t as many security cameras and therefore easier to remain off the grid.In short, it was an impasse.Jim hit the gym after all once Spock had told him the news, laying into the punching bag as if it would reveal all answers if only he beat it hard enough.He hadn’t seen the footage, but his imagination was vivid enough to fill the blanks, driving his fists even harder into the bag’s material.His body ached all over when he awoke the next day, but at least he had slept without a nightmare.It took the admiralty another day to decide whether to release images of the escaped agents to the public or not. Those against it argued that information about dangerous prisoners seeking for revenge would create panic, so shortly after the Khan debacle. Those in favor countered that they may lose valuable time in the search without any new leads that some citizens may provide.In Jim’s opinion, the entire discussion was a waste of time.In the end, the admirals agreed to release pictures of all four prisoners yet withhold any details about their involvement with Admiral Marcus. According to the press release sent out the next morning, Commander Centrich, Lieutenant Commander Simril, Lieutenant Commander Wildner and Doctor Tyrell had stolen secret equipment belonging to Starfleet and any information concerning their whereabout would be monetary rewarded. Important enough to evoke some attention, not worrying enough to create real alarmism.That had been five days ago and so far, there had been nothing.Jim was picking in his food, hungry, but not really interested in eating. Objectively, he knew that he could at least pretend to have some appetite as Uhura had insisted on cooking herself after a day at work rather than letting Jim do it. It was one of Jim’s favorites, well intended to cheer him up.Yet Jim could only concentrate on the number.Five. Five days, almost a week and they had nothing.On a rational level, he knew that this was to be expected. This was no amateur act, these kidnappers were professionals and had clearly planned this, so of course they had covered their tracks. This was tiresome, but overall, he was confident that Starfleet would eventually find something.Were it any other crewmember, he could handle the situation. He would be worried for their wellbeing, of course, but he would be able to participate in the investigation and distance himself.Jim failed on all these accounts, just because it was about Bones.And he didn’t understand it. Bones was his best friend, sure, but this still didn’t explain the emotional roller coaster he was experiencing. Even when he managed to think about something else, there was this tight knot of worry, sitting in his stomach, pushing constantly against his mind, slowly pressing in on him until his thoughts returned to his friend, which led to an avalanche of possible scenarios running through his head.To be fair, there also wasn’t a lot of distraction to be found in other work. Cartwright still refused to include him in the official inquiry but had also put him on light duty out of well-intended, yet misguided concern, meaning that Jim barely got his mornings filled with things he had to organize before their next mission. With nothing to do, of course his mind circled around one topic.But nonetheless… nonetheless he couldn’t help but feel that his emotional response might be too strong, that Bones’ disappearance shouldn’t be feeling as if someone had taken a vital part of him and run with it, a part Jim hadn’t even been aware existed until this moment, located somewhere in either his mind or heart.“Jim!”Looking up, he could read from Uhura’s expression that it hadn’t been the first time she had called his name.Sighing, he put down his fork.“I’m sorry, Nyota. It’s delicious, really, but I’m not all that hungry.”She rolled her eyes.“That’s not what I was going to say. I had already guessed that there will be plenty of leftovers for the next two days.”Reaching over the table, she placed her hand over Jim’s. Her touch was cool, soothing against the unchanging turmoil in his head.“Jim, you worry me. Spock too, although he would never admit it. I understand that you’re anxious about Leonard, we all are. But I can’t shake the feeling that there is more to it. I’ve seen you when you’re concerned for a friend and that- that’s just not like you. The last time you were this restless was after… well, after Khan attacked the meeting.”Withdrawing his hand, Jim grimaced. “Fuck, I don’t know. I try to distract myself, but I’m basically grounded, and I can’t stop my mind from procuring new possibilities what’s happening to him while I’m busy doing nothing! Whenever something happened during the mission I was the one making the decisions, I could do something to get the situation back under control, but here? I’m not even supposed to know all the things Spock secretly told me about!”There was a strange look in her eyes, but it was gone before Jim could identify it.“Hm, I see what you mean. Well, I can’t get you back in the loop, but if you don’t mind tedious work: My assistant is on a holiday for a couple of days to visit his family and I could use some help in cataloging the data from the last mission. I know you have the experience back from the academy, so if you want to refresh your memory…?”It took his breath away, time and time again. To be confronted with the evidence that someone actually cared about him.Schooling his features, he replied, “Well, as long as I’m not distracting the other staff members. I’m a famous captain, after all. Saved the world one or two times. Handsome too, or so I’ve been told…. Wouldn’t want to stop them from working.”Uhura snorted. “On second thought, I can manage alone. Doesn’t matter if it takes me ages, I’m still faster without you.”“You wound me!”“I’m sure you’ll survive.”“You want to defraud your coworkers of the experience to meet the famous Captain James T. Kirk?”“Infamous is more like it. They’ll be grateful!”The sound of the entrance door sliding open stopped Jim from replying.Looking over and expecting to see Spock, Jim felt a jolt of surprise rush through him at the sight of Scotty.“Mr. Scott! What are you… How did you enter? Please tell me you didn’t hack the security code! We would have let you in had you knocked, you know?”Bobbing on the spot, the Scotsman glanced apologetically at Uhura. “Ah, right….’m sorry, Lieutenant, didn’ mean te interrupt! Commander Spock gave me the code seein’ as none of you two saw it necessary to check ya communicator!”Reflexively, Jim glanced at his hip where sure enough, his communicator was not hanging. Must have forgotten it in the guest room when Uhura called for dinner.Uhura shook her head. “It’s fine, Scotty. What was so important that Spock sent you here rather then telling us after his shift?”“We’ve got something!”Jim’s heart stopped for a beat, taking all thoughts with it, leaving his mind empty except for one sentence.
They found something.
“You- what? What did you… When? What did you find?”“The pictures we released to the public? Someone jus’ gave us a call. Said they saw somethin’ and asked where te collect the reward. They’re on their way to Headquarters now an’ Spock told me te – Oi Jim, where ‘re ye goin’?! Ya don’t even know which room they’re in!”Blinking, Jim stopped briefly at the door to look over his shoulder.“You were taking too long, fill me in on our way there!”Grumbling, Scotty took the lead, Jim and Uhura flanking him left and right. Ignoring the worried glances Uhura threw his way – she and Spock really had a bad influence on each other in this regard - he asked, “When did you get the call?”“About an hour ago. They…”“An hour?! And you’re just telling me now?!”Raising an incredulous eyebrow while still performing a speed walk that was just one level beneath running truly was an impressive feat.“Well, we tried te call ya, if ya remember, so not really our fault! Also, there was no hurry, they said that it would take ‘em at least forty-five minutes to get here, seein’ as they refused to be beamed. Technophobe or somethin’, beyond me in this day and age if ya ask me, beamin’ surely is safer than the public transport of…”“Scotty!”“Right, sorry Captain. Anyways, gave us time to discuss who’s gonna lead the questioning. Security claims it’s their right, considering the whole investigation falls under their field of duties. Commander Spock was still tryin’ ta convince ‘em that it’s his prerogative, seein’ as Doctor McCoy is part of the Enterprise Crew and all. The discussion was still goin’ on when I left.”Jim nodded. “Anything else about the informant? Did they already say anything?”“Only tha’ they had information abou’ one of the wanted persons, bu’ they refused te say anythin’ durin’ the call, wanted te see the money first; not the most trustful trait if ya ask me, but beggars can’ be choosers, I suppose!”Usually it took fifteen minutes to reach Headquarters from their apartment building; today they managed it in seven.Upon entering the great entrance hall, Jim first noticed the increased number of security personnel. Of course, their presence had been upped after the information about the breakout had been released to all Fleet staff, but today there appeared to be even more.“This way, Captain.”Turning right, Scotty waved them over to one of the turbo lifts. Entering, Scotty pressed a button and the doors closed behind them.“They’re gonna interview them on the fifth floor. The interrogation room there has a two-way mirror, so we should be able to watch.”Jim frowned. “Did you clear that with Cartwright? I’m really not keen on being reprimanded over that.”Uhura chimed in, shaking her head. “You are not here as a Starfleet Captain, you are here as the emergency contact of a missing person. Starfleet regulation permits Fleet personnel excluded from an investigation due to emotional involvement to observe neutral interrogations, such as the interview of a witness, provided they don’t intervene in any way.”Right. Theoretically, Jim knew that, but it was difficult to think about any regulations when his mind was clearly preoccupied with something else.The soft hiss of the doors opening drew Jim’s attention to the floor in front of them. The white-silvery colors favored by most Fleet buildings reflected the light, disguising the fact that it was already getting dark outside. Apart from two security officers standing in front of one of the doors, the floor was deserted.Falling in line behind Scotty, they walked past the two officers, who looked disapprovingly at Jim yet refrained from saying anything. Apparently, word had spread that Captain Kirk was not to be involved in this search.Willing the anticipation building in his stomach to calm down, he entered the viewing area after Scotty.Evidently – and unsurprisingly in Jim’s opinion - Spock had prevailed in the debate with the head of security, sitting across an unhappy looking Ferengi while Admiral Henry sat somewhat sullenly next to the Vulcan. Seemed as if Spock had convinced him of the logic of sharing this interview.Jim sighed. Of all the Federation members, it was the least surprising that a Ferengi witness would ask about the financial reward first, seeing as they valued monetary profit over anything else. He just hoped that this one wouldn’t go so far as to invent some information just to earn some money, possibly setting them on a wrong track. “Mister Farek, as we have already assured you, you will receive the financial reward promised for relevant information of the fugitives. For that purpose, however, we first need to hear what you have to offer”, Spock was saying calmly.The Ferengi, Farek, inclined his head, looking directly at the first officer. “Well, I’m taking the famous saying at face value: Vulcans do not lie. I certainly hope that is true, Commander Spock.”Ere an indignant Admiral Henry could reply something to that insinuation, Farek continued, “I think I saw one of them in my shop. In fact, I’m certain it was that- what’s his name? The one with the scar? Helps to remember him by.”Admiral Henry typed some command into his PADD, then turned it so that Farek could look at it. “Lieutenant Commander Porter Simril. Was he the one you saw in your store?”Farek leaned forward and slightly over the table to scrutinize the image. “Yeah, that’s him. Came to my shop two days ago and bought some food. Seemed a bit frustrated at the sum at the check-out, but quality has its price, you know.”Grinning, Farek leaned back again, apparently pleased at the memory of a deal well done- at least on his part.Before Admiral Henry could continue, Spock interrupted. “Is there a reason why you waited two days to relay this information to the concerned authorities? The respective details on the fugitives have been released to the public five days ago.”Farek shrugged. “Don’t really watch the news regularly. Just heard about these prisoners by chance today; I normally have a bad memory for human faces, they all look the same to me, but him I remembered clearly, even two days later. Scar like his really tends to stick out of the masses.”Spock raised an eyebrow yet refrained from commenting the statement any further. “Do you recall anything else about what Mister Simril purchased in your shop that day?”The Ferengi frowned, head slightly tilted right. “Puh, ya’re asking me questions! Don’t know, nothing extraordinary, as I said. Food, bottled water. Toiletries, like shampoo, shower gels, toothbrushes. Razors.”Admiral Henry suddenly sat up straight. “Do you still know how many he bought?”Looking strangely at the man, Farek shook his head. “Honestly, don’t really pay that much attention to what people are buying, it’s weird. But if you’re so interested, maybe you could count them on the surveillance footage?”The tension on both sides of the interrogation room seemed to skyrocket at that. Admiral Henry leaned forward, lips pressed into a thin line and a vein pulsing at his temple. “Do you mean to tell me that you have a digital shot of Simril and only mention this now?!”Jim had to congratulate the Admiral on his restraint; if it were him in that room, he would have been strongly tempted to strangle the Ferengi when he grinned cheekily. “You didn’t ask.”Enraged, the Admiral looked towards Spock who was contemplating the shop owner coolly. “I understand. And I presume you would want another financial reward for the release of the surveillance material. However, you are not acting logically. As you and your people are part of the Federation, Federation law applies to you as it does to every citizen. As such you are required to not withhold any material pertaining to an ongoing investigation; counteracting in this regard is considered as perverting the cause of justice and will be punished as such. Now I am aware that you consider monetary gain very highly, but I have always been of the impression that most people value their freedom even higher. Or would you beg to differ?”Farek had gone pale during Spock’s explanation, rapidly shaking his head when the Vulcan looked at him questioningly and said, “I see. Am I right when I presume that this was all a terrible misunderstanding and you will henceforth corporate willingly and release the material without any further demands?”Sulkily, Farek crossed his arms in front of his chest, but nodded. Spock briefly glanced at Admiral Henry, who inclined his head in agreement, before he continued.“Very well. Then let us proceed by you telling us where you store your monitoring equipment.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--[…]
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?”
Edgar Allan Poe, “A Dream Within a Dream” There was a sharp ache in his head when he woke up. Rhythmically, like someone attacking his forehead with a pickaxe from the inside in an attempt to break their way through, pulsating through his entire skull. Slowly so as to not further aggravate his headache, he blinked his eyes open, thereby sharpening the pain in his mind to a piercing arrow aiming for the area right behind his eyes. Groaning, he rolled to the side, trying to raise his arms protectively around his hurting head.That lead to a new discovery. His limbs felt weak, like rubber, requiring more effort than it should to move them. Exhausted, he let his arms drop beside him.He frowned.Beyond the pain, there was a strange – nothingness. Numbness. It was a peculiar combination, for his head to hurt, yet at the same time be – light, for the lack of a better word.Swallowing to get rid of some of the sour taste in his mouth, he tried to take stock of the rest of his body. Overall, he didn’t seem to be injured. His head ached the most, but the rest of him just felt incredibly weak, like- he couldn’t really compare it to an experience. At least the surface under him was soft and smooth, providing some relief. After what seemed like ages but was in all likelihood only a minute, his eyes had finally adapted to the light. Gingerly, he set up, his arms shaking slightly under the strain.The first glance revealed a nightstand, holding a cup with, what he hoped, was some water. Beyond that, there wasn’t much. A plain wardrobe, narrow and somewhat filthy. Tiles in a shady grey covering the floor, the walls in a dirty white. No windows. Fluorescent light illuminating the entire room. A door, modern as far as he could tell.Opening his eyes had led to another discovery: His eyes didn’t seem to work properly as his sight switched between sharp and blurred. Squinting yielded no results, it didn’t get any better. Looking around, he searched for any glasses. That must be the reason why he had such trouble seeing after all.He needed his glasses.He paused.Did he need glasses?His heart jumped, creating a strange feeling of shocked excitement in his chest as he scrunched his face in an attempt to remember.
Did he need glasses?
It wasn’t a difficult question, he should be able to answer that. His headache spiked as he tried to recall whether he usually needed any seeing aid.There was nothing.Fear sat in, running through his bloodstream in cold rivers, restricting his breath as he tried to think of something else.His name.His date of birth. His favorite food.His family, friends.He knew there should be something. He knew that people normally knew those things about themselves.But there was only a blank canvas where a colorful mosaic ought to be. Only a curious observation that his heart rate was too high for a male of his approximate age and that his blood pressure was probably elevated as well.He should try to calm himself, a logical voice in his head insisted. It wasn’t good for his health to work himself up. But that was only a small side. The larger part of him quickly descended into a sea of panic as he tried to find anything in his memories, but only emerged empty.The door sliding open yanked him from his agitation. Looking up, he saw a red-haired woman, carrying a tray with food in her hands and a PADD clamped underneath her armpit. Seeing the meal, his stomach growled loudly, turning his attention briefly to the fact that he apparently hadn’t eaten anything in who knew how long, and he felt like starving.Upon seeing him sitting, she smiled and stepped closer, setting the tray on the bedside table next to him.“Doctor George! It’s good to see you awake, sir. Let me tell you, you had us worried for a while. You hit your head pretty hard after all, and we were worried that the scanner may have missed some damage. How are you feeling, sir?”He frowned. Doctor George. It didn’t ring a bell at all.“I… I am sorry, but who are you? And- um, where am I?”The smile dropped from her face, being replaced with a tight frown.“Do you not remember, sir?” Seeing him shake his head, she continued, “I am Doctor Katherina Tyrell, head of the medical department of Section 31.”He must not have reacted the way she had expected because the frown on her forehead only deepened.“We are- we are Starfleet, sir. As are you. You are Doctor Steven George, rank of Lieutenant Commander within Starfleet. We are currently in a secret lab owned by Section 31 as there has been an attack on Earth. Although the entire Federation is more than likely to follow”, she added grimly.Doctor Steven George, Lieutenant Commander. He turned it over in his head. It didn’t sound familiar but then, nothing the woman had just said did.“I- I’m sorry – Doctor Tyrell, wasn’t it? I’m afraid I still don’t understand what I’m doing here. The last thing I remember-“, his breath caught in his throat at the realization, “I- I don’t really remember anything at all. What am I supposed to be doing here?”For a brief moment, her lips were twitching, almost as if she wanted to smile. But that wouldn’t make any sense.Instead, Doctor Tyrell brought her hand up to massage the bridge of her nose. Taking a deep breath, she exhaled forcefully before looking at him again. The area around her eyes relaxed somewhat as she regarded him.“I was afraid that something like this could have happened, but I had hoped the damage wouldn’t be this drastic. You have been in a shuttle accident on your way here and suffered a severe head injury. Unfortunately, you required brain surgery, but the scans indicated that there should be no lasting complications; although given the extent of your injury it is not surprising that you are showing signs of amnesia”, she finished dryly.“We will see how extensive it is after an examination. Please lie back on the bio-bed”, she gestured toward the bed on which he was still sitting.The probe seemed to be going on for ages. According to Doctor Tyrell, the newer scans confirmed that there was nothing physically wrong with his brain; all damage had been sufficiently repaired during the surgery. Yet her questioning afterwards to test the extent of his amnesia left him unsettled: He couldn’t recall a single fact about himself, not even briefly before the accident. There was a huge amount of nothing where his memories should be.On the bright side, his medical and factual knowledge seemed to be mostly intact. He had been able to answer all of Doctor Tyrell’s medical questions and most of her inquiries concerned with everyday life or general education.It was something, at least; something to hold on to in this feeling of being lost, a small reference to what kind of person he had been. It was better than having nothing at all.The questioning left him mentally exhausted and he wished to just go back to sleep after it was finally over. His headache had flared up again sharply; not surprising considering his state, but tiresome nonetheless.Doctor Tyrell seemed to be partially satisfied, partially apologetic when she finished.“That’s it then. Amnesia of this kind can be tricky as I won’t have to tell you. Your memories may come back, or they may not. They might come back all at once or by degrees.”She sighed.“I wish we could give you some time, but unfortunately, time’s the one thing we don’t have. Your medical expertise is what we requested from you and as that appears to be largely intact, Starfleet would really appreciate if you were able to help, to the best of your abilities of course. Lives- lives are at stake. Do you feel you are able to at least listen to what for we need your expertise?”He considered her request only briefly. As it was, he didn’t know anything apart from the fact that he was a doctor and a Lieutenant Commander. These were the only defining traits he could go by and he couldn’t go against them; without them, he would truly be no one. And who knew, working might jostle the rest of his memories.He had to try at least.Steve George nodded. “Very well. Let’s start from the beginning, or at least what is relevant for now. Earth has been under constant attack from the Klingon Empire for the last four weeks; it seems as if they finally decided to ignore all resolutions between them and the Federation. Earth is just the first victim of many, although I suppose we should consider ourselves grateful that they didn’t start with New Vulcan. Not like we can afford to lose more Vulcans.”It sounded strange the way she said it, but he let it slide. He didn’t really know her after all. And why New Vulcan? As far as he knew, there was only one Vulcan.Steve sighed internally. Probably one general fact that hadn’t survived his memory loss.“Originally, they started with torpedoes, yet last week they- they excelled themselves: They- I don’t know how they procured it, we had no intel that they were even working on something like that, but they are in the possession of metreon cascades. There have been four attacks so far with- devastating results.”There were medical facts running through his head at the name. A radioactive weapon similar to the crude atomic bombs of the 20th century, vaporizing those in close proximity and leading to radioactive poisoning in those fortunate, or unfortunate, enough to survive the immediate explosion, killing them in a far crueler manner. Death usually occurred three to seven days after the contamination, characterized by nausea, vomiting, high fever and electrolyte disturbance, among other symptoms.“The attacks occurred in metropoles all over the globe. The first was dropped in London, followed by Tokyo, Dar es Salaam and São Paulo. The overall death toll, including the victims of the previous torpedo attacks, has not been determined yet, although it will probably be over 50 million… Not counting those who will die in the days to follow from radiation sickness.”Doctor Tyrell’s voice sounded strained, her eyes averted, and fingers balled into fists. Steve understood. The thought of so many people having died - It left him with a feeling of mute horror and shock, unable to grasp the enormity of it; what it meant for so many people to be gone in the blink of an eye, so many lives lost. Numbness and a feeling of loss with nothing to really tie it to. No reference.50 Million. How could you comprehend such a loss?Taking a deep breath, Doctor Tyrell seemed to try to collect herself.“The declaration of war by the Klingons and the subsequent attacks were- surprising, to say the least. So far, we haven’t been able to determine how they move through Federation space without being detected. It appears that they have developed a new cloaking device, hiding them from every sensor out there meant to prevent exactly such a thing, but that’s only an educated guess. Since the destruction of London things have been – chaotic. To put it mildly.”Picking up the PADD she had placed on the table next to the forgotten tray of food, Doctor Tyrell started to enter some commands.“We don’t know how many more of these metreon cascades they have developed and frankly, we can’t afford to find out the hard way. As of yet, there has been no cure for radiation poisoning at this high a level, leaving all those who escaped the initial explosion with a death sentence nonetheless. Unfortunately, among those who already died from radiation sickness was someone who might have been able to end this war before it further escalates.”Handing him the PADD, Steve saw the picture of an elderly man with thin, brown hair and blue eyes, high cheekbones and a distinctive nose giving him the impression of a vulture.There was sudden rage, hot and bright, shooting through him as he gazed at the photograph, leaving him empty and wary when it disappeared only a moment later.Looking up, Steve met the green eyes of Doctor Tyrell, resting on him and regarding him almost- curiously.“Admiral Sucram was supposed to lead the counter initiative against the Klingons and was at a meeting in a town close to London when the first cascade dropped. He- wasn’t killed immediately but he succumbed to the effects of extremely high radiation only days later. Which was one of the reasons why you finally relented.”Steve frowned. What had he been supposed to do about the Admiral?It wasn’t like he could raise the dead.“I’m afraid I still don’t understand. I suppose it sounds reasonable that you would ask medical researchers to invest time in some more advanced treatment of radiation sickness on that scale, although frankly, I’m not sure if I’m still of any use to you at this point. But what would you have me do about the Admiral? I might be missing some general facts, but I’m pretty sure there’s no cure for death.”Doctor Tyrell laughed at that, a sound that seemed to have startled her as much as it did him when she pressed a hand to her mouth to stop herself.“I’m sorry that was uncalled for, it’s just… That you – you! – are saying this…. I know you aren’t aware of it but that’s actually quite ironic.”He frowned at her, but she continued unprompted.“I’ll try to keep it short. Four years ago, you had to testify before a medical council pertaining the revocation of your medical license. As it was, you had experimented on some substances in the wake of your father’s death who was diagnosed with xenopolycythemia half a year prior. We- You never divulged any methods or what you did, which is why the medical board eventually found you not-guilty of breaking the Hippocratic Oath and violating basic ethic laws- but you managed to resurrect him. While you tried to get rid of any evidence, there were still some traces that indicated that your father truly had died yet was among the living and healthier than ever only a few days later. What we didn’t find out was how you did it – until the attacks.”Tyrell looked at him, a seriousness in her expression that hadn’t even been there when she talked about the Klingon attacks. He felt goosebumps traveling down his arms and spine, gliding over his skin like cool waves.“Your father- he was a brilliant doctor, like yourself, and his expertise continued to be requested even after he had retired. So, when the first metreon cascade hit- he was in the same meeting as Admiral Sucram. I’m sorry to tell you this, since you don’t remember anything but- your father died only two days before the admiral.”It was difficult to place the sea of emotions he was experiencing. To know he had lost a father who he couldn’t even remember. There was grief and sadness, yet they appeared strangely distant. Muted. As if he were supposed to feel them, yet without a clear reference for whom he felt. But that wasn’t everything.There was an odd feeling in the general location of his stomach. A vice, strangling his chest, leaving him shaky.He had brought someone back from death. His memory might be gone, but violating that natural law, something that all living beings had to eventually encounter, the one fact that united them all, provided them with a reason to seize the day – creating something to cheat death was almost outrageous.Why had he done it? He knew that it must have been out of love for his father, it was the only logical explanation considering that right now he would give everything for just the smallest memory of him. Almost everything.Had his personal need really been so big that he would commit such an act, trespassing the one line the living should not ever dare to cross? Was he someone to place himself above the law of life?It left him feeling unsure, unsettled. As if he had been handed pieces of two different puzzles that refused to fabricate a clear picture.Steve must have said some of his thoughts aloud because Doctor Tyrell snorted.“It’s a good question, Doctor, one we have asked you on countless occasions. Guess we’ll have to wait a bit longer to finally get an answer now that your memories are gone. But the fact remains: You were able to raise someone from the dead. And in the wake of these catastrophes, you agreed to do it again, this time not only to save your father, but the admiral too, as well as potentially millions of living beings who might die if this war doesn’t end soon.”Steve flinched, looking at her with wide eyes. He had done the unthinkable and they asked him to do it again? Apart from the fact that he hadn’t got the first clue how to approach the endeavor, he truly believed that death should not be something to be tempered with. There was a reason for it, as painful as it could be for those left behind- as painful as it was for him, thinking about a dead, faceless father. Death gave all living beings a purpose, a drive to do better, achieve more.Fear of death was what kept them alive. He couldn’t forget that a second time.“I’m sorry, Doctor Tyrell. I’m sure you have your reasons, but you can’t ask that of me. Maybe I forgot my oath when I did it the first time, but…”“But what? Saving one man was more important than saving millions of people?!”Apparently, they had had that argument before because there was a glint of anger and frustration in Tyrell’s eyes before she was able to calm herself.“I apologize, Doctor. But right now, you only have a vague glimpse of the horrors we endured during the last couple of weeks. I remember everything, the dead, the destruction. It took you long enough to agree the first time, so we really can’t afford to convince you again! So please, Doctor George. We have limited resources and options as it is. As a doctor and as a member of Starfleet, you swore oaths to heal and protect. Can you, in good conscience, walk away from that?”He was being manipulated, and he knew it. It didn’t change the fact that she had struck a chord. Steve had sworn an oath, an oath that created the very dilemma he was in now. He had sworn to never play at God, but that was exactly what she was asking of him. Yet hadn’t he also sworn to do everything required to help those in need? Which path was the right one to walk?Pinching the bridge of his nose, he tried to calm the conflicting thoughts rushing through his mind. If only his head would stop hurting at least. It was so hard to concentrate through the steady pain tearing through his brain like sharp shrapnel.Taking a shaking breath, Steve looked at the palms of his hands.“What- Could you tell me his name? My father’s”, he asked quietly. For Steve needed to know. Needed to know at least something about the person he had been before this accident. What better way than to start with the man who he had had done this the first time for?Because if he was entirely honest with himself, there was no real option. If what she had told him was true, if he really had resurrected one man from the dead, how could he refuse to do the same for another and thereby prevent even more death and destruction? Refusal when so much was at stake was just as incriminating as the act of raising the dead itself. If only he could remember how he had done it in the first place.Not that there was any guarantee that he would be able to do the same again. With his memory loss, he couldn’t be sure that truly all of his medical knowledge had remained intact.“Your father’s name was David”, Doctor Tyrell answered, almost gently as if she knew of the inner conflict raging through Steve’s head.David.Steve let out a shaky breath.It was strange. His memories might be gone, but the underlying emotion appeared to have remained as there was soothing warmth, an innocent joy accompanied with the softest touch of grief and longing filling him at that name. As if his unconsciousness recognized what his mind could not.Placing his hands on the bio-bed to ground himself, Steve looked at Doctor Tyrell.“Alright. Where do we start?”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts.
William Shakespeare, “All the world’s a stage”It didn’t help.Despite the information provided by Farek, there weren’t any major breakthroughs. Of course, Admiral Henry saw that quite differently. According to Spock, who had dutifully reported the content of the meeting between himself, Admiral Henry and Chief Admiral Cartwright after the interrogation, the admiral considered the information a huge progress. After all, they were now able to determine a radius in which the suspects were most likely to hide, assuming they would be somewhere close to the shop. As the admiral had pointed out, they couldn’t stay out in the open for too long without running the risk of being recognized by someone and public transport was well equipped with surveillance cameras. Using it simply was too high a gamble, but Starfleet Security was nonetheless scanning every camera in the area and in the transportation service nearby for any sightings, however unlikely they may be. Then there was the issue with the toothbrushes. The material by Farek’s security camera confirmed that there were five toothbrushes which, according to Admiral Henry, was a good sign. It meant that the kidnappers didn’t plan to despatch their hostage and seemed to have some regards for his wellbeing if they deemed it necessary to provide him with hygiene products.Jim wasn’t so sure if that was really any news. Considering the trouble they went through to abduct Bones specifically, it would be rather surprising if they planned on killing him- or at least, killing him so soon. Damn, Jim really hadn’t needed that kind of worry to add to his constant stream of anxiousness.At least, Spock seemed to have shared his sentiment that Admiral Henry’s reasoning on that account wasn’t as paramount as the former made it to be if his raised eyebrows during the recap were any indication.The next day revealed what everyone had almost expected: There was no further video footage of either the fugitives or Bones. The radius in which they were most likely to hide was still far too large, making it hard to search it. It was one of the shabbier parts of the city and was a mix of business buildings, warehouses and residential buildings, and while Jim would instinctively go for one of the warehouses, he had to admit that randomly searching them could do more harm than good, potentially alerting the former agents and forcing them to move somewhere else.Then they truly would be left with nothing.But simply because Starfleet couldn’t start knocking on doors didn’t mean that Jim wasn’t able to. After all, Chief Admiral Cartwright had left him with a generous amount of leisure time and nobody could stop him from taking a relaxing stroll through the city. If that just happened to lead him into the neighborhood of Farek’s business, well, that was just a funny coincidence.Naturally, being the responsible first officer that he was Spock had refused to disclose the information as to where exactly the presumed search radius was located, putting Jim in the awkward position of hacking the Vulcan’s PADD.Spock was so going to kill him when he found out.But that was future Jim’s problem.Right now, Jim was simply glad that he was finally able to do something to relieve the frustrated, helpless energy constantly running through his veins. Admiral Henry might have considered these results as major breakthroughs but anything less than finding Bones didn’t qualify as such in Jim’s eyes.Day seven of Bones’ absence therefore saw Jim lurking on a crossroad opposite an empty warehouse, debating whether it would be too obvious a choice and thus a useless search or not.“Funny meeting you here.”His heart momentarily located itself in his throat, choking him before dropping back to its usual spot. Instinctively, Jim flinched away, turning and simultaneously adapting a defensive posture.Only to be met with a wide-eyed Sulu, who had raised his hands as if to surrender.“Whoa, sorry Captain! Didn’t mean to startle you that much, you ‘kay?”Jim exhaled sharply. Running a hand over his face, he glared at the helmsman.“Damn it, Sulu! Warn a guy.” Then, realizing just where they were meeting and how unlikely it was to be a real coincidence, he sighed. “What are you doing here? Please tell me you didn’t follow me all the way from campus till here. You know I love spy movies, but that would be taking it too far.”Sulu grinned, stance relaxing. “No need for that. Spock had a feeling that you might try something like that and-““Spock? Had a feeling?” He knew it was simply a figure at speech, but Jim just had to jump at the expression.Sulu glared at that and Jim smirked.“How he hasn’t strangled you yet is beyond me”, he deadpanned.“Not for lack of trying.” Geez, it was almost too easy, Sulu provided way too many openings.“Fine, forget it, you clearly don’t want to know. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m gonna stick with you for the rest of the afternoon.”Jim sobered at that.“Now wait a second, you…. No, come on, tell me- how did you find me? Not like San Francisco is all that small.”Glaring at him once more, probably just for good measure, Sulu relented.“Spock had suspected that you would do something, as he called it, ‘very typical for the Captain, acting without considering all the facts and therefore placing himself in peril’. He even calculated the risk to be 76,68 percent.”This time it was Sulu who grinned cheekily and Jim sulking. He wasn’t that bad, damn it!“Anyways, Spock asked Scotty to install a tracking device in your communicator since he, correctly, assumed that you would find a way to get your hands on the information regarding the precise location of the search radius. Since Spock is still caught up in headquarters, he asked me to follow you and make sure you wouldn’t do anything- stupid. My words, not his. By the way, he told me, and I quote again, ‘to inform the Captain that I will wish to speak with him upon his return to discuss the illogical manner in which he acted in great detail’.”Oh well. He had suspected that something of the likes would happen. At least he was warned and could steel himself against the logic Spock would be throwing his way.“So, it’s a bit like a spy movie after all”, Jim said.Sulu rolled his eyes but didn’t comment it any further.“What are you planning on doing here anyway? Running from warehouse to warehouse, building to building? You do realize that as former agents of Section 31 they might be prepared for that and have a warning system or the like in place, right?”Funny, the impact words can have. The easy feeling warming Jim in one second dropped back to the constant worry in another, tying his stomach back in knots that had relaxed momentarily.Obviously, he knew that. They might be on the run and their options may be limited, but Jim didn’t doubt for a moment that the fugitives were as prepared as they could be under these circumstances. They had been part of Section 31 which meant that they were among the best of the best, trained for this kind of situations. So yes, objectively Jim knew that the chances of finding any clues by randomly searching the area by himself were close to zero.That didn’t change the fact that he had to try.“Geez, I know Sulu, I know! It’s just- right now, that is the only thing I can do! Cartwright won’t let me work, I’m not part of the investigation and my mind is going in circles around ideas of what they could be doing to him. I mean- Fuck, it has been seven days!”A week. What were the statistics for a person missing for one week? Spock would be able to tell him. Maybe Jim would ask him. Once the Vulcan had finished his lecture.Sulu looked at him, features a mix of pity and understanding.On instinct, his hands balled into fists. Jim hated pity, he didn’t need it.“Why don’t we go somewhere and talk a bit? Get some coffee? No offense, Captain, but you look like you could use one.”Jim snorted, feeling the tension drain as quickly from his body as it had built up. When he glanced back at the warehouse, Sulu offered, “We can come back later if you still want to. Promise, I’m not going to forcibly drag you back to the campus. You’re way too heavy for that.”That elicited a laugh from Jim and he relented. He really hadn’t slept well that night – the last six to be honest – and coffee suddenly sounded very good. “I don’t know what you’re implying, Sulu. That’s all muscles.”“Sure, if you say so, Captain.”Fifteen minutes later saw them sitting in a coffeeshop down the street, two steaming cups of non-replicated coffee in front of them.Folding his hands around the one in front of him, Sulu seamlessly picked up the conversation where they had left it. “Captain- Jim. I understand how you feel, but Starfleet is giving all they can- heck, the entire crew is giving everything.”Good damn it, that wasn’t the problem! Jim knew that Starfleet was taking this seriously, was looking at every possible avenue. Spock was part of the search and if he had to trust anyone else with Bones’ safety than himself, then it would be the Vulcan. He would ensure that the investigation would be as efficient as possible.But that wasn’t the fucking point!“The point is there is nothing that I can do to help him! I feel like I’m going to explode, there’s this itch, this furious energy buzzing under my skin and I just can’t make it stop because he isn’t here and there’s nothing- I fucking can’t do anything. And this way I’m at least here… He might be somewhere close, I might find something, anything…”, Jim broke off.Sulu’s gaze had softened, reflecting a certain knowledge that made Jim’s gut twist and he had to turn away, looking out of the window and at the pedestrians walking by. “This way my mind has something else to do rather than being occupied with images of how- how they might hurt him. What they want from him. It’s been seven days. What if they- the footage by Farek is already four days old. What if they don’t need him anymore? What if they went to all this trouble, hurt him so badly that they got what they wanted and have already killed him?”Because that was crucial. The agents might have cared about their hostage’s well being at the beginning, but after a week? There was no way of really knowing if that still held true. Not that they even knew for certain that the damn fifth toothbrush was for the doctor. Heck, maybe they just wanted an extra one for themselves. And Bones wasn’t a soldier, wasn’t security. He was a doctor, supposed to heal people after events liked this. Not meant to be exposed to torture.“Jim?”, Sulu said quietly. Jim looked back at the helmsman. The pity was still there, igniting brief irrational fury in Jim again, but there was a soft hesitance as well.“Can I- I need to ask you something and I want you to really think about it before you answer.”Sulu was gnawing at his lip briefly, flicking his eyes to the table before they focused back on Jim again. He was nervous, Jim thought. Never a good sign in combination with such a question.“What is McCoy to you?”Jim looked at the helmsman, involuntarily raising an eyebrow. What kind of question was that? Everyone knew who Bones was to him.“What he- He has been my best friend since the academy. What question is that, you know that.”Sulu shook his head.“No. I mean yeah, obviously, I know. Everyone on the Enterprise knows that. But that wasn’t what I meant.”Again, the lip gnawing. Jim really wished Sulu would just spit it out.“Your description, the constant worry… Maybe I’m wrong it’s just… I tried to put myself in your shoes and compare it to Chekov. We’re close, maybe not as much as you and McCoy, but he’s definitely one of my closest friends, so I imagined if it were Chekov who was taken and… I would be worried about him, of course, and I would try everything to find him. But this desperate urge to do something, like you’re describing it…. That’s more what I would feel if Ben was kidnapped.”Sulu looked at him, face calm and serious now that he had said it.“The thought of Ben being gone and there’s nothing I could do… I would feel helpless, counting every second in which I didn’t know where he was… Visualizing every hurt someone could inflict on him, feeling like some vital body part was missing…. For all the friendship, I wouldn’t feel that for Chekov. Only for Ben. And Demora, obviously, but that’s different.”A pit of icy water thrown in his face wouldn’t feel as shocking. It was a strange sensation. As if his mind had decided to provide him with another perspective for a change, one he had never considered before, and completely turn around his world view.Jim understood where Sulu was coming from, he himself had felt that his reaction seemed too strong at times. But was this the right conclusion? Did that really mean he cared for Bones more than a friend? There was a whirlwind of emotions, of thoughts and contemplations, tearing through him, being turned over and over in his head, twisting his insides and making his heart race.Of course he loved Bones. He was his best friend, the first one he had had in years. Since Tarsus. Bones had been there to wake him from his nightmares, always offered a shoulder to lean on and an open ear to listen. Crumbling and complaining, the doctor had always followed Jim’s lead, believed in him and reminded him to live up to the potential Pike had seen in him when Jim himself had lost sight of it. Whenever Spock’s logical approach had become too much, Bones had given his advice and opinion during Jim’s first year as Captain of the Enterprise; sound and thought-through, but always interwoven with the passion the doctor seemed incapable of repressing.Bones was the first one he thought of whenever something happened during the day, and the last person Jim could ever bear the thought of losing- hence his problems with the present situation. The doctor was closer to him than his mother and even his brother.Bones was family. He was home.But did this mean that he loved him as more than just a friend?“Jim?”Jim raised his eyes from where he had sightlessly gazed at the table in front of him, looking at Sulu who regarded him in mild concern.“I- I think I need something stronger than coffee.”His throat was constricted, making it difficult to press out the words, but the helmsman seemed to understand what he meant.“Well, let’s see if this lovely place serves some alcohol then. I’m not taking you to a bar; Spock would have my head.”As it turned out, the coffeeshop did indeed serve something alcoholic. It was only beer, mind you, but Jim would take what he could get.Two beers later Jim felt no closer to an answer. He kept turning over the question in his head, comparing his memories and the attached emotions to what he knew about love. Which, in all honesty, was more theory than practice. The last time he had claimed to love someone had been when he was still in high-school and he was pretty certain that this brief teenage love differed to the love Sulu had been talking about. But there hadn’t been anyone else since then. No one serious at least. Men, women, humans, different species, there had always be someone to have fun with, but no one who had mattered.There had been Gaila. Jim had cared for her more than the others, had considered her a friend outside the bedroom as well. A friend with benefits to use the old phrase from the 21st century. But he hadn’t returned the romantic feelings she had apparently harbored for him.Jim had to force his train of thoughts away from that. Thinking about Gaila always filled him with grief for her death and regret for how things had ended between them.So, Gaila had been the closest thing to romantic love he had experienced as an adult, and he was quite sure it didn’t really qualify as such.But how was he supposed to know if his feelings for Bones ran deeper than friendship?Jim gazed at Sulu. The helmsman had been exceptional company so far. Correctly judging that Jim needed time to think but unwilling to leave him alone, he had sat in silence. At some point, he had taken out his PADD, busying himself with who knew what.“How do I know if what I feel for him is love? And not merely deep friendship?”Sulu looked up from his PADD and Jim felt himself flushing. God, but he sounded pathetic.Instead of immediately answering, Sulu put down the device and hummed thoughtfully.“I think there is no easy answer. Personally, I consider friendship to be the best basis for romantic love, so I would say the foundation for a romantic relationship between you and McCoy has been there for quite some time. And no one can, and should, force you to transform that into something more if you don’t want to. I think you love him, really love him, but so far only considered him a friend as it seems to be a safer term. No pressure, no expectations, just the emotional safety to know someone has your back no matter what. And ultimately, it’s up to you whether you want to change anything about this status. If you want to find out if he feels as deeply about you. Although I have to say, before you approach him, you should seriously consider where you want this relationship between the two of you to go. I don’t really see McCoy reacting well if you suddenly changed your mind a few weeks later or something the like.”Jim grimaced. Yeah, considering the fallout of Bones’ divorce, he wouldn’t expect that as well.“So, me pointing out that you might love him as more than a friend doesn’t mean that you need to act on that, or even that it’s true. Love is not a universal constant, and everyone has a different understanding what it means to love someone. You just need to figure out what love, romantic love, the kind you want in a relationship, means to you, if that is what you feel for McCoy and if you want to act on these feelings to see if they are reciprocated”, Sulu finished.Jim snorted. “’Just’, hm?”Sulu grinned lopsidedly.“Didn’t say it was easy.”Jim nodded. It didn’t sound easy at all.Taking a sip from his beer, Sulu said, “You don’t need to find an answer now and you certainly don’t have to tell me. Just- think about it for the next couple of days. Or even weeks. In the end, it’s up to you.”Jim had to swallow.“What- what if he doesn’t feel the same?”
What if I lose him after all, this time because I chased him away by wanting more than he was comfortable to give?
Sulu rolled his eyes.“He brought you back from the dead. I would say that’s a pretty good indicator that he wouldn’t be completely averse to the idea. You don’t do that for just about anyone.”Finishing his beer, the helmsman waived over the waiter, gesturing that they wanted to pay.“So, you wanna go back to that warehouse?”Jim didn’t really think that they would find anything in the building and he was certain that Sulu thought the same. But it gave him something to do, distracting his mind from the emotional turmoil rushing through him.“It depends. Do I get to call you ‘Watson’?”In the end, they spent three hours searching not only the warehouse but checking out the entire neighborhood, marking spots that could potentially function as suitable hideouts, places that they could look into the next day. Because as long as Bones wasn’t found, Jim would keep searching the area. At some point, he had to find something.When he returned home to Spock’s and Uhura’s apartment in the evening, Jim felt emotionally wrung out. The search had been a distraction, but the new thoughts placed into his head by Sulu wouldn’t keep quiet.Jim had honestly never entertained the thought that the relationship between him and Bones might be the ground for more than friendship. They were close, yes, Bones being the first person he had been able to trust completely, no questions asked, nothing required in return. But was there romantic love?Sighing, Jim keyed in the code to the apartment. It would probably be for the best if he took some time to think about it, just like Sulu had suggested.Problem was that he hated an unsolved puzzle.When he entered, he was greeted with the sight of Uhura sitting on the sofa, nervously glancing between the holo-screen, on which a movie or a holo-series or the like was playing, and the kitchen, where Jim could hear the hissing of something cooking on the stove and materials clattering against each other as if someone was stirring something in a pot.Jim raised an eyebrow.“What’s going on?”Uhura jumped slightly, apparently too distracted to have noticed his entrance. Looking up at him, she said, “Spock suggested he wanted to cook for a change, seeing as the last couple of days you and I took turns, but he didn’t. Said it was only logical if he contributed to our meals as well since he ate our cooking too and all. It’s just”, and here her gaze drifted back to the kitchen, “as far as I know, Spock only knows Vulcan recipes. And to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure those are up to my taste”, she finished, having lowered her voice somewhat at the last part.Before Jim could answer, Spock stepped out of the kitchen, wearing - an apron of all things. Where was a camera when you needed one?!Trying to maintain a straight face but feeling his mouth twitch nonetheless, Jim said, “Nice look, Mister Spock. What is it I hear about you indulging us with some self-cooked Vulcan meals?”Dealing with Vulcans really required close mimetic analysis, but Jim was becoming rather good at it. The subtle change in his first officer’s face displayed both annoyance as well as indulgence which frankly was a strange look all together.“Thank you, Captain. I have to say this apron is a rather logical clothing for cooking. Also, you are slightly misinformed. I have indeed cooked but tried myself on some human recipes. I hope they will be to your liking. Please, take a seat, dinner is prepared.”Both Jim and Uhura looked at each other in surprise. It was oddly considerate of Spock to cook something more to their taste. Not that he wasn’t capable of being considerate it just seemed- suspicious that he chose to do so on a random day.As it turned out, Spock hadn’t just cooked any meal but smoked baked beans, smashed potatoes and meatloaf.Looking at the food, Jim felt a piercing stab in his heart and involuntarily made a choked off sound.It was Bones’ favorite food. Something the doctor had once told him reminded him of home, of his father preparing dinner for the family.During their academy days, Bones had occasionally cooked it when he had felt homesick, making Jim rather fond of the meal as well in the process. It had been served on the Enterprise once or twice per Jim’s request in the mess hall, on days when he knew his friend needed some cheering up.Spock must have noticed him ordering the meal specifically – something Jim usually never did – and come to the conclusion that he appreciated it more than others.Which led to the question why Spock had thought that preparing this dish today was necessary.Unless the food was meant to appease him. And why would a Vulcan deem it essential to placate someone?Jim raised his head and looked sharply at Spock. “What aren’t you telling me?”If he hadn’t looked so closely and didn’t know his first officer so well, Jim would have missed the light twitch of his left eye that suggested the Vulcan was feeling nervous. Or as close as he allowed himself to experience any emotion.“I don’t know what you’re implying, Captain. As I told you, I simply wished to express my gratitude to you and Nyota for preparing dinner the last few days. Considering your situation at the moment and based on Nyota’s inclination to prepare food that appears to be specifically to your liking, I thought it prudent to continue this course of action and cook a meal of which I knew that it was to your taste. Is this not correct? Have I offended you?”Jim should let it go. It sounded plausible enough and Spock honestly couldn’t have known that this was Bones’ favorite meal rather than his. But Jim had never been good at letting things be and his nerves felt frayed, the constant worry having worn them as thin as a silken thread, close to tearing at any moment.And there was this gut feeling. This sensation as if he had found a weak spot, as if something had actually happened and Spock tried to conceal it from him. He only needed to dig deeper.“I call bullshit! I know you can be considerate if you want to but why today of all…”Something else hit him. It was like a bucket of ice dropped on his head, chilling his body.“You sent Sulu after me. You had Scotty install a tracking device and ordered Sulu to keep an eye on me – not so I wouldn’t do anything reckless but because you didn’t want me to come to the campus. Why – what didn’t you want me to find out?!”The Vulcan honestly was a bad liar if one knew the signs, which really belied the whole Vulcans-do-not-lie saying. The twitch was there again, more discernible than before and when Spock briefly looked aside from Jim’s gaze, he lost it.On a rational level, he knew again that he overreacted, that he should simply talk to his first officer about it. But Jim was tired, so damn tired both physically and mentally. He wanted someone to finally provide him with some answers, to give him some clues about where his friend was, what was happening to him.It was just bad timing that Spock had to bear the brunt of Jim’s frustration finally exploding.As if through a looking glass, strangely disconnected, Jim saw himself wiping the plate from the table, not even flinching at the shattering of the porcelain or Uhura’s outraged cry. A furious energy was rushing through his body, wave after wave tearing through him, filling every nerve ending and drowning him in anger. It wanted to burst through his skin, buzzed in his ears, tilted the world out of its angles and he had absolutely no control over it. It was a terrifying feeling, being so controlled by this emotion that Jim felt like a bystander in his own body.There were words tumbling out of his mouth, words he had absolutely no saying in. Later, when he had calmed down, he would regret it. In this moment, however, all Jim cared about was alleviating his anger, his fear. The mind-numbing guilt accompanying him since the moment they had discovered Bones’ abduction. The beast gnawing at his innards had wanted out and now that it was released it didn’t care who it hurt in the process.Jim was still shouting, hurling insults at his friend. At some point he must have gotten up for suddenly he found himself looking down at the Vulcan. Uhura was standing as well, next to Spock, face pale and her hand grabbing Spock’s shoulder tightly. Spock himself hadn’t moved a muscle, his face the perfect mask of stoicism. His eyes though. His eyes portrayed a different story. His eyes told Jim that his words were hitting their mark.At some point he ran out of things to say. Breathing harshly as if he had forced himself awake from a bad dream, Jim felt empty, spent. Like he had burnt up all his emotions and was now a mere vessel.Silence reigned between them for a moment, the quietness of the room intercepted only from faraway noises somewhere in the building.When he realized that Jim had calmed down a bit, Spock finally stood up. Calmly as ever, the Vulcan looked at him before he spoke.“There has been some news concerning Doctor McCoy’s disappearance. This morning, a Security officer was caught as he tried to gain entrance to the area where Khan and his crew are held until they can be transported to a safer facility. Upon interrogating him, he soon became entangled in contradictions and lies until he finally confessed that he had been paid by the fugitives to supply them with inside information and equipment from Starfleet they hadn’t been able to take with them during their escape. Apparently, there is a secret account established by Admiral Marcus some years ago which they used to bribe the officer. It took some time, but he was finally- convinced that it would be in his best interest to disclose the information concerning the prisoners’ whereabouts. About Doctor McCoy he had nothing to say as he had never seen him since they had taken him. Admiral Henry is currently preparing a team that will storm the hideout in the early hours of the morning. I plan to accompany them.”Spock paused for a moment, looking down at his hands and then back up at Jim.“I wanted to talk to you about this new information during dinner and had hoped that the meal in combination with the good news would raise your spirit. I apologize if I misjudged the situation.”Sick. He wasn’t rid of every feeling as Jim discovered because in this moment he simply felt sick.Before anyone else could say something, he stumbled towards the bathroom, hand in front of his mouth and just managed to reach the toilet before he hurled the contents of his empty stomach alongside the poisonous words into the bowl. His stomach cramped painfully as Jim kept retching, uncontrollable shakings gripping his body. A sob tore itself from his throat before he was back to throwing up. At some point he felt a cool cloth on his head and a hand on his shoulder. Jim wished he could shake both off; he didn’t deserve any kindness after how he had treated Spock – and indirectly Uhura as well – but he knew that rejecting their help would only hurt them more. And he had done enough of that already.After a couple more dry heaves, Jim felt stable enough to lean back, resting his head against the smooth, cool material of the toilet, letting it sooth him for only a moment.“Captain?”Jim’s eyes shot open at the use of his title. He was no captain. He certainly hadn’t acted like one when he had insulted his Vulcan officer. Hadn’t acted the part since the beginning of Bones’ absence if he was honest with himself.Jim felt the anger simmer underneath the exhausted front, this time directed at himself.He needed to get out. Get an outlet, lash out at someone.Finally shrugging off the hand still resting on his shoulder, Jim pushed himself off the ground. Without looking at Spock crouching beside him, he walked out into the living room. Glancing only briefly at Uhura who had sat down at the table and looked mutely at the mess he had made of the meal, Jim paused only briefly to get a jacket, purposefully leaving his communicator on the counter, before he left the apartment.Once he stepped outside the building the cool night air helped to reign in the rollercoaster of emotions somewhat. It gave him enough presence of mind to think where he was about to go.Jim wanted to hit someone, hit them so hard until all the anger at himself, at the situation at large was finally, finally gone. But while he would have gone to a bar to pick a fight just a couple of months ago, he was aware enough to realize that he couldn’t do that anymore. Whatever he had done today, he couldn’t ruin his official reputation as captain by partaking in a bar brawl.Pike had told him to respect the chair. It was time Jim finally acted the part and be it only by not following well established habits.That left him with only one other choice: the gym.Half an hour later, Jim was running on the treadmill, speed up to the absolute maximum of what his body was able to give. Running had always helped him to clear his mind, especially running at such a speed that all his thoughts were occupied with keeping up with the fast pace dictated by the machine. Today was no different and for the first forty-five minutes his mind was blissfully empty.At some point, though, he had to reduce the speed or risk seriously hurting himself and while Jim could be careless with his health, he didn’t really fancy having to check-in into medical because of a sports accident.Unfortunately, the slower pace left room for the thoughts to return and he wasn’t ready for that yet. Stopping the treadmill and looking around, Jim saw what he had been looking for: a punching bag. The next best thing after hitting someone in a bar fight.Tearing into the hard material with his fists felt good. After some time, his hands were burning, the muscles in his arms feeling as if they were on fire and Jim relished the feeling. Hurting himself was alright, it was acceptable. Hurting his friends wasn’t. Losing his friends wasn’t. Not being able to do anything for his best friend… Jim hit the bag all the harder for that thought, immersing himself entirely into the cycle of punching the bag again and again.When his arms finally gave out, Jim had no idea how much time had passed. Panting and sweating, he weakly dropped on the blue thick mat lying on the ground.The anger had finally left him. Only exhaustion remained. Exhaustion and a strange sense of clarity regarding two things.First, Jim needed to get his act together. In its essence, the situation concerning Pike and Bones was the same. Jim had let his emotions, be it grief or frightened worry, get the better of him. With Pike’s death, it had led him on a revenge trip that had eventually cost thousand innocent civilians their lives. Concerning Bones’ disappearance, the damage at least hadn’t been as catastrophic, although the jury was still out on the situation he had created with Spock. Yet Jim had again allowed emotions to dictate his actions, to paralyze him.And it hadn’t been only these two instances. For the entirety of his brief captaincy, his decisions had, ultimately, been based on gut feelings. That they hadn’t run out of luck earlier was only thanks to the qualifications of his crew. If he wanted to be the captain Pike had apparently seen in him, heck, if he wanted to be the captain Jim himself strived to be, he needed to change, take responsibility for his actions like he should have after the Nibiru incident. He thought he had understood before, in the hospital, after he had woken up, after he had talked with Uhura. After the many sessions with his therapist. But the real revelation came upon him now, lying on the floor in a deserted Academy gym. Jim needed to finally respect the chair, own his decisions and reign in some of his more impulsive decisions- not all of them, but some.Second, Sulu had been right. Jim was in love with his best friend. If he needed any more proof that his feelings went far beyond the realm of friendship, this outburst had proven it. He still wasn’t sure how to define it, couldn’t even pinpoint the moment when friendship had shifted towards more. Jim only knew that the thought of never seeing his friend smile again, laugh again, pat him on the back, grumble and complain about new away missions, offer advice, have his back, be this solid fixture and constant in his life while Jim made sure to do the same and more in return – the thought of potentially losing all that tore out his heart and left him physically sick, pain pulsing in his chest. It was the closest thing Jim could come up with as a definition for love.Groaning as he carefully pushed himself off the ground, Jim slowly trotted back towards the changing room.First things first, he needed to apologize to Spock. If he really wanted to change, Jim needed to own his actions and although everything in him balked at the thought of going back to that apartment and confront the disaster he had created, he knew it was the only possible solution, however uncomfortable. The slow walk back to the apartment building provided just enough time for Jim to get a little anxious about the upcoming talk with his first officer. It was totally necessary, but he had screwed up. Screwed up really bad by using everything he knew about the Vulcan against him. They had gotten closer after the Khan debacle, but they were still a far cry from the close and unbeatable command team Ambassador Spock had told them about.Jim feared that he had pushed that version even further into the distant future.Standing in front of the apartment way too quickly for his liking, Jim squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. Why were the right things always so difficult and uncomfortable?There was a small spark of relief when he keyed in the access code and found it unchanged. Entering, he noted the dimmed light in the living room and soft voices coming from the holo-screen. Glancing in the direction, Jim stopped shortly at seeing Uhura curled up on the sofa, a quilt thrown over her body. Her features were relaxed in sleep and a stray lock of her black hair was hanging into her face, twitching slightly with every even breath.Looking around, he saw Spock sitting at the table, cleared from the mess Jim had made. Hot shame crept up his face as he remembered his actions and for a moment, he had to look away. Then he went over and sat down across from the Vulcan who had looked up when Jim had stepped into the flat and now regarded him neutrally.A pot of tea had been placed in the middle of the table and Spock held a steaming cup in his hand. An empty one was resting next to the pot and Jim wondered whether it had been intended for Uhura or him.“Captain, I-“Jim held up his hand and Spock quietened.“First, for this conversation I need you to call me Jim. I haven’t – acted like a captain, so there is no need to call me one. Also, it’s a personal talk, so let’s forgo the titles.”Spock inclined his head as if he agreed.Placing his hands in front of him and taking a deep breath, Jim said the first thing that came to his mind.“I’m emotionally compromised.”Huh. That hadn’t been what he had wanted to say.Spock raised an eyebrow as if to say, ‘Well, no news there’.Jim shook his head.“No that is… I mean…. Alright. Alright.”He looked at the Vulcan again who regarded him silently.“It was Bones’ favorite meal. The dinner you prepared. It was his favorite, not mine.”A spark of regret flickered in the Vulcan’s eyes and he dipped his head lightly.“I was not aware of that and I apologize for the hurt this has apparently caused you. It was not my intention.”There was a slight hesitation before he continued.“Yet I have gone through the events of the evening repeatedly, first with Nyota and then by myself. And I fail to see how my actions, however unintentionally hurtful, would warrant such a reaction.”Jim winced.“You’re right, it doesn’t. It wasn’t your fault, honestly, you did nothing to deserve my rage. You got- caught in the crossfire.”Seeing that Spock didn’t understand, he elaborated.“I’m emotionally compromised. Have been since the first day Bones was taken, I just didn’t really accept it earlier. The past week has been- hard. I could barely concentrate on my work and every second I kept thinking of what they might be doing to him. My emotions were running- havoc.”Jim snorted.“Looking back, I would say I was completely controlled by them. Just as I have been during my captaincy so far. Should have used more of your logic to balance it out. So, today, when you prepared that meal – I already had a very emotional talk with Sulu. I was so tired, and my nerves were raw and – I could just tell that you did it to conceal something. I knew there was something you weren’t telling me and all my worries – I just snapped. I wanted to hurt someone, and you were just – there. Providing the ideal target.”He sighed and looked directly at Spock for his next words. Jim really wanted the Vulcan to know that he meant them.“I am sorry, Spock! None of what I said is true, I didn’t mean any of it. I’m so sorry that I lashed out at you. It doesn’t make it better, but I really didn’t want to. I just – I had no control over it”, he finished lamely.For a while, they sat in silence, only interrupted by the quiet murmur of the voices on the holo-screen and Uhura’s even breathing. Spock looked at him, face an entirely unreadable mask. Just when the silence started to become uncomfortable, the Vulcan broke it.“Thank you, Jim. I – understand your reasonings, although I do not condone them. I have to admit, some of the words you used were – irritating. Illogical and untrue and therefore hurtful because they contained issues once shared in mutual understanding. Some of this trust has been – weakened. Yet I am certain we will be able to reclaim it.”Jim nodded, throat tight. God, he could be such an asshole! This was basically Spock pouring his heart out and still talking about forgiveness. He really needed to do better.“Thanks, Spock. I – it won’t happen again, promise.”Spock nodded.“I will hold you to it.”Pausing only briefly, he continued.“There is yet another issue we need to discuss. The operation taking place in the morning to rescue Doctor McCoy.”A jolt ran through Jim at those words, electrifying every nerve ending. Right. They had found something. He had been so focused on the fallout with Spock and his own inadequacies that for a moment he had entirely forgotten about this paramount information.Tomorrow Bones could be home.Jim nodded tightly.“Right. You mentioned someone relaying information to the fugitives from the inside?”Spock inclined his head in confirmation.“That is correct. Apparently, the lieutenant was approached by Commander Centrich shortly after he was brought in for questioning. The commander promised him monetary repayment if the lieutenant helped him and three others to escape and endow them with some medical and research equipment that had been confiscated during the search of their headquarter. It was only by chance that he heard the address of the prisoners’ intended hideout when he turned over the vehicle in which they transported the stolen items to their destination.”At this point, Spock took a short break, refilling his cup with new tea and offering Jim some as well. It was a stalling tactic, Jim could tell, but he accepted the warm liquid nonetheless.“They contacted him again approximately 5.2 days ago and asked him to procure a small amount of Khan’s blood. The attempt today was already his second try; during the interrogation the lieutenant confessed that he had already delivered one sampling.”Heat was rushing through Jim’s body and there was a strange white noise in his head.They had wanted Khan’s blood. Had wanted certain equipment. There was only one reason why the augment’s blood specifically would be of interest to them.Jim felt the color drain from his face and all his insides dropping to somewhere close to his belly button as he considered what that might mean for Bones.“They know.”Spock shook his head.“We can’t know that for certain yet. The evidence – ““ – supports my fucking theory. They kidnapped Bones, specifically. Out of all the Starfleet personnel, heck of all the Admirals or even out of all the Enterprise members they could have abducted, those four Sections 31 agents randomly decide to take the one doctor who found a cure for fucking death?! And then they coincidentally ask for samples of Khan’s blood? Do you really fucking believe that this happened by accident?”For a moment there was only silence, even the voices from the series or the movie still playing on the screen pausing.“It appears- unlikely if you phrase it in such a way. Yet that raises the question how they would have obtained the information. Mr. Scott, Nyota and I went to great lengths to ensure that Doctor McCoy would not face any problems due to his- invention.”Jim really loved his crew. It was instances like this one, when they looked out for each other unprompted, without a second thought, that he knew that they were family.“You think someone leaked images and data of what he did?”“Unclear, although I would suggest further looking into the matter.”Jim agreed. He couldn’t afford to have a crewmember who he couldn’t fully trust out in the black.Spock raised his voice again.“As I already mentioned, the lieutenant provided us with the exact location of where the fugitives are presently hiding. The team will depart for it at zero six hours in the morning. I will accompany them. As will you.”Jim blinked and simply looked at the Vulcan.“I- I will what? I- but Admiral Cartwright…?”Spock interrupted him.“I spoke to the admiral again and persuaded him that your talents would be of better use if you were to join the team. Further, we don’t know in which – condition the doctor will be when we find him and while medical personnel will be present, the face of the person closest to him will certainly be a comfort in this situation. The admiral agreed under the condition that you will be under my command for this mission and that you will not interfere with the proceedings, whatever your personal or professional opinion about it.”There were too many thoughts to process. Don’t know in which condition the doctor will be in. Fuck. It was an expression of all his fears and Jim felt sick contemplating it further.And Spock. Jim had insulted Spock so badly, and the Vulcan had convinced the commander in chief that Jim could be part of the rescue.The rescue. They were bringing Bones home. After a full week, they were this close. Jim was this close to seeing him again.Goddamn, he really needed to do amends for how he had treated Spock.Swallowing, Jim looked at the Vulcan and saw understanding in his eyes. Maybe they weren’t that far from being the amazing duo Ambassador Spock had told them about.“Thank you, Spock! Honestly, you don’t know, just… Thank you!”For the first time in one week, since the whole debacle had started, Jim felt confident that they could overcome this.Bones was almost back home.The worst was nearly over, and they could deal with the fallout once his friend was safe.It couldn’t be worse than the constant worry of the past week.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
there are mountains
in my mind
and i will never
reach their peaks
each one remains
a stranger, one
i can never meet
RD McManes, “Mountains in the Mind”If anyone would have bothered to ask for his opinion, Steve could have told them that whatever else it might be to tamper with the barrier between life and death, easy it certainly was not. Steve had never expected anything else but after two days, he had to admit to himself that his unconsciousness might have clung to the hope of quicker results nonetheless – mostly because Doctor Tyrell had told him how much faster he had been the first time.She was surely going to be disappointed.According to the other doctor, Steve had carried some samples with him when he first arrived at the facility. However illogical it may be, Steve had hoped that despite his amnesia looking at them would jostle his mind enough to remember the steps he had taken the first time when he had created the serum.And in a sense, they did. There was a sense of familiarity to them. Looking at the little droplets of crimson, magnified under the lens of the microscope, studying the cells replicate themselves faster than he had ever seen before… He had seen it before. Steve couldn’t remember, but looking at the probes, he knew with a certainty that this wasn’t the first time he gazed upon them.It was comforting, in a strange way. A confirmation that Doctor Tyrell had told him the truth and that he had indeed once been able to perform what they asked of him. But more importantly, it provided a link. A link to the past that was still obscured, shrouded in darkness and hidden behind a veil. Tingling Steve with fleeting feelings of recognition, before moving out of reach again. It was frustrating and left him with a feeling of loss. At the same time, it was almost like a challenge. Steve knew he had done this before, had been smart enough to do the impossible.Yet this time, he failed to do the same. It spurred him to do better, to prove himself.Doctor Tyrell had hinted that it had only taken him three days to produce it the first time. Which left him with only one more day to repeat the same miracle. Steve really didn’t know how he had done it the first time because as it was, he was nowhere close to producing anything usable.Steve heaved a frustrated sigh. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Tyrell look up from where she had been bent over her own probe under a microscope. She had joined him today, suggesting that two pairs of eyes might see more than one and with his memories gone, it couldn’t hurt to provide some additional expertise.Not that Steve could argue with that logic. It simply made him feel- watched on occasion. When he glanced up only to see her gaze rest on him rather than on the probe. It was unnerving, but he couldn’t really do anything about it. Due to the circumstances of possible attacks from the Klingons at any moment, they were under lockdown. Which meant that since he had arrived – or at least since he could remember being here – Steve hadn’t left their hideout once. His world for the past two days had consisted of the laboratory, the room that functioned as his bedroom and a small kitchen. And slowly he could feel how that made him feel restless. As if it were a cage, the walls meant to protect them more a means to lock him in.Maybe he would have found the solution to produce that damn serum already if only he could get some fresh air for just five minutes, god dammit!Steve shook his head. He had no idea where that last thought had come from. They were under lockdown, end of story. Complaining about it wouldn’t change the situation.“Doctor George?”Inwardly, Steve cringed. Although he had offered her to use his first name, Doctor Tyrell insisted on calling him by his surname. Another quirk that only served to antagonized him more.“It’s nothing. I just can’t get behind the idea of mixing this blood type with a human one. The regeneration is so fast, it would completely replace the human blood cells, transforming the patient into- whatever this is.”He looked at the fellow doctor.“You sure I didn’t say anything where I got this probe from? It shows similarities to humans, but there are obvious differences. Maybe if I knew what to compare it to…”Doctor Tyrell shook her head.“The only explanation you provided was that the donor was human but augmented. Which would explain the makeup of the hemogram.”She hesitated, glancing briefly down at the microscope next to her.“And what if we were to introduce the probe in very small doses so that the corpuscle of the patient can incorporate the foreign blood cells while they in turn stimulate the dead nervous system and organs?”Steve bit his lips. Of course, he had thought about that as well. They would need to test this theory obviously – Doctor Tyrell had assured him that a blood sample from the dead admiral was on its way, so they could actually start working on a useable serum - but he had this feeling that it wouldn’t work. The cells from the probe were simply replicating too quickly and might eventually replace the original ones. And who knew what consequences that would bring.No, Steve was certain that this hadn’t been his solution the first time. Which left the question, how the hell he had done it! Sometimes, when he was deep enough in a working trance and he completely forgot his surroundings, it felt as if there were some whispers at the back of his mind. Ready to give suggestions, taunting him with an answer, yet permanently out of reach and in the limbo between the unconscious and the concrete.It was frustrating, to say the least.Noticing her expectant gaze, Steve answered warily, “It needs to be tested but at the moment I don’t see it working. The donor’s cells simply replicate way too fast.”Tyrell gave a huff.“Well, then you better think of something else, and you better think of it quickly. We required your expertise for precisely that, and I for one won’t stand idly by while human men, women and children are slaughtered by aggressive aliens who don’t understand the meaning of peace! So, you better start showing some of that medical genius you’re so praised for, Doctor M-George!”Tyrell had talked herself into a rage by the end, her green eyes blazing and breath going quicker. For a moment, she just stared at Steve, anger leaking seemingly from every pore, her body as tense as a bowstring, hands tightly balled into fists.Then she blinked, once, twice, and Steve could see how she pressed her rage behind a wall of forced calmness, most obvious in the relaxing stance of her shoulders and the loosening of her fingers. Brushing a stray hairlock behind her ear, she stood up, face a conflicting puzzle of emotions before she managed to slip on a neutral mask again.“I’m sorry, Doctor. This has been a stressful time for all of us and this outburst has been- uncalled for. If you would excuse me.”Without waiting for a reply, she briskly walked past him, leaving the laboratory with a twin hiss of the door when it opened and closed behind her.Steve blinked.The accusation stung. He knew that his medical knowledge might not be as good as it had been before - although he only had Tyrell’s word that he had been as outstanding as she claimed him to be – but he still tried his best with what he had. Tyrell had basically blamed him for any further deaths because he was taking too long.Rubbing his face, Steve got up as well. There was no use in trying to continue working at this point. His mind was running down a maze, returning to the same avenue again and again or getting lost in dead ends without a map to reach the center holding the solution.The added pressure by reminding him what was at stake didn’t really help.Thinking back to her words, Steve made a face.The way she had pronounced “alien”… Tyrell really must have been upset. Otherwise she would have noticed the xenophobic undertone in her speech.Slowly leaving the laboratory, Steve couldn’t help but contemplate the people around him.There were things that made him – wary.Doctor Tyrell had said that they were in a secret hideout and that working on this serum was of vital importance. Yet so far, he had only seen her, the Lieutenant Commanders Simril and Wildner and Commander Centrich. It just seemed strange to him that such an important project was only staffed with two doctors, even or maybe especially in a time of crisis. Tyrell was competent, that was out of question, but she was just one additional mind and with his amnesia, he would have thought that they would at least send one or two more medical researchers. Then there was the matter with the other three. Steve generally tried to avoid Simril and Centrich after he had been first introduced to them. They were polite enough but something about them set his teeth on edge, making him anxious without really being able to put a finger on it. Just as with Tyrell, he occasionally caught them watching him during their shared meals. Looking at him as if he held the answer to their prayers, although that wasn’t everything. No, especially in Simril’s gaze there was a certain hunger, an eagerness and cruelty that almost made Steve recoil from him in some abstract feeling of fear and revulsion. Centrich on the other hand always seemed as if he was two steps ahead of everyone. Always calculating, always planning. Always weighing every word against a greater plan Steve was unaware of.The only one he got somewhat along with was Wildner.He was only a couple of years older than Steve and despite the seriousness of the situation, which the others seemed to exude at every waking moment, the man always carried himself with a particular lightness, as if the worries of the ever-present danger another Klingon attack presented simply rolled off his shoulders. In the last two days, Steve had spent the few hours of leisure with the Lieutenant Commander. He enjoyed his humor and confident demeanor, but most of all, he liked that Wildner appeared to be the only one who didn’t feel the need to constantly observe him.In contrast to the vigilance of the others, it was refreshing.Not really feeling like sitting in his room and simply starring at the walls – despite Wildner’s promises, Steve still hadn’t gotten a PADD – he trotted towards the kitchen.Maybe a sandwich would hold the answer to all his questions.It didn’t. Halfway through his snack, Wildner entered the kitchen, beaming when he saw Steve sitting at the table. Casually he dropped into a chair across from Steve.“Doc! Just the one I’ve been looking for!”Steve raised an eyebrow.“This is already off to a less than promising start.”Wildner laughed.“Nah, no need to worry. I just thought I might add some color to some of the side projects I’m working on. You know, instead of just keeping everything in a boring grey or silver – as long as it doesn’t impact its functionality, why not brighten up some bits and pieces?! So, what’s your favorite color?”Steve felt his throat tighten.“What?”“Your favorite color. Might as well use some you folks like.”It was such a simple question and Steve was unable to answer it. He felt his heart beat painfully in his chest and he suddenly found it difficult to draw breath as a feeling of loss momentarily overwhelmed him.Although he tried to keep his face neutral, something must have shown for Wildner abruptly dropped his smile.“Fuck, I’m an ass. I’m sorry Doc, that wasn’t intentional.”Steve waved his hand, not trusting his voice to keep his hurt hidden.Wildner still looked apologetic, but then turned contemplative.“But on the other hand: try not to think about it. Just close your eyes and tell me the first color that comes to your mind. Those things are often unconscious anyway, so it might still buzz around in that head of yours – or wherever the subconscious is located.”Confusion and hurt warred a small glimmer of hopeful excitement and for a moment, Steve wanted to refuse. It would only be more painful if he failed.But what do you have to lose? If you don’t remember, it won’t change anything, but what if you do? What if he did…. It would only be one tiny piece of the puzzle that was his forgotten life, but it was at least one more piece of information. It would be more than he had now.Subconsciously biting his lower in nervousness and feeling weird while doing it, Steve nonetheless closed his eyes and tried to think of a color he might like.The word came easy.“Blue.”Steve opened his eyes only to find Wildner starring at him, face slack in surprise.“Blue, really? That the first color you thought of?”Steve nodded, suddenly feeling excitement rush through him. It had been there, hidden somewhere in the vast sea of nothingness, and it felt right. As if it were the correct answer to a test he hadn’t even been aware he been taking but instinctively knew the right reply for.Wildner smiled again, apparently sensing Steve’s euphoria.“Well, that’s great! And what kind? Dark or light?”This time, he didn’t even have to close his eyes. There had been a flash of a picture when he had said the color, almost too brief to pin it down but Steve had recognized it immediately.“You know lapis lazuli, the stone? A blue just like that.”The look Wildner shot him was a bit baffled.“That’s- oddly specific. But it’s certainly a beautiful shade.”Steve grinned, absurdly proud about something that most people didn’t really pay much attention to. But to him, it mattered.There had been something. Some real tie to his past, other than his medical knowledge, which frankly told him nothing other than his profession. Something personal.It gave him hope that his amnesia might not be as severe as he had feared. Maybe he would remember his life after all.Shaking off these thoughts, Steve noticed Wildner staring at him, a pensive look at his face. Before the doctor could say anything, the other man shook his head and grinned at him broadly.“That’s great, man. See, I told you your subconscious remembers a lot more than you can access. I’m sure you’ll also remember how to procure that serum in no time.”Way to dampen his mood.Steve sighed, feeling his joy from just a moment ago recede a little.“Yeah, I sure hope so. Tyrell’s already giving me a hard time because I’m taking too long.”Glancing sideways, Steve concentrated on a fascinating crack running from the edge of the table to its center.“It’s not like I’m not trying; I do, dammit. I might not remember the attack, but her description was certainly horrific enough. So of course, I wanna help. It’s just- it’s so frustrating! I know that the knowledge how I did it is there. It’s like- I can sense it swimming around in my brain, but I can’t fully grasp it. The solution is always moving out of reach, which trust me, drives me crazy. But Tyrell behaves like I’m doing it on purpose, as if I’m not fully committed. You should have heard her when she stormed out of the lab earlier.”Steve bit his lip.“Basically, blaming all further deaths on me.”Steve glanced up again when he heard Wildner sigh, running a hand through his dark hair.“I know the doctor can be- intense on occasion. She tends to demand too much from others, but also herself when she’s really invested in a project. It’s both an advantage and a disadvantage; it certainly makes her a great researcher, even if she can be somewhat unfair to others in the process. Don’t worry, she’ll come around.”Almost absentmindedly, he added, “She has her reasons. We all do.”Steve sat up at that. So far, he didn’t know anything personal about the others and this provided almost an ideal opening to get to know at least one person a bit better.“What’s your reason?”Wildner looked up, clearly confused by the question.“What?”“For working on this project, for joining Starfleet and this department in particular- what’s your reason?”For a moment, Steve thought the other man wouldn’t answer. It was a rather personal question after all. Wildner blinked at him, then rubbed a hand over his face before leaning back in his chair. His eyes wandered away from Steve’s face and adopted a faraway look, as if he took a trip down memory lane, maybe replaying his memories like an old movie in his mind.“My mum was a Starfleet officer. I remember being a kid and always looking forward to new stories and adventures she had experienced out in space, meeting new peoples and establishing contact between them and the Federation. I didn’t see her in person very often, but whenever she was on shore leave she would bring me little presents from her journeys.”Wildner smiled at that, the soft lines around his eyes and mouth momentarily disappearing and making him appear younger than his years.“When I turned twelve, she decided that she had done her part for the Federation, that she would retire from active duty and ask for an assignment on Earth so that she could spend more time with her family. The ship she was stationed on was on its way back anyway, so it shouldn’t take too long for her to come home. I remember being over the moon by the news.”And just like that, the smile on Wildner’s face turned into sadness, the one that had been carried around for years and didn’t bring any acute feelings of loss anymore but would forever be tinged in grief. A sadness that one became so accustomed to, you barely noticed it until its reason was mentioned again. Steve recognized it as the same emotion he had felt when Tyrell had told him about his father.“There was an attack. Half the crew died, the other half managed to escape due to the captain sacrificing himself to protect the escaping shuttles. My mum wasn’t among the lucky ones that day.”Steve saw Wildner swallow.“When the doorbell rang, I thought it was my mum coming home. Instead I opened the door to two Starfleet officers, telling my dad and me that my mother had been killed in action.”Now he looked directly at Steve, sadness having morphed into anger as he sat up straighter.“Do you know how often I’ve had to do the same since I joined the Fleet? Ten times. Ten times I visited the families of people working under me who didn’t make it home. Sometimes it was because of an accident while working on the engines, sometimes it was due to attacks. The result was always the same. My coming always brought the end to the way their life had been until the second they opened the door.I joined Starfleet to be closer to my mother. I thought by following in her steps, I could honor her and keep her memory alive with me.I joined Section 31 because Starfleet wasn’t enough. At some point, I wanted to prevent death before it happened. The attack on the ship my mum had been on, the Kelvin, had been carried out by an enemy ship, better equipped and controlled by someone whose only aim was destruction and demise. The Kelvin never stood a chance.Starfleet is a peace-keeping armada. I joined on those principles but over time, I realized that it placed us in a disadvantage if others didn’t abide to those rules. Section 31 seemed the ideal solution to my new goals. I would do whatever it takes to spare other families the pain I had to go through when I was a kid.”Wildner looked at Steve, the fierceness in his gaze mixing with something else, something Steve couldn’t quite decipher as the other man just looked at him while the rage seemed to drain out of him.“Whatever it takes”, he murmured again before leaning back again, gaze drifting from Steve’s face to the floor.Steve found himself somewhat at a loss as to what to reply. After all, what could you tell someone who had given their whole life to the memory of a loved one? The burden of the dead could be a difficult one, no matter what it looked like. Steve felt for the kid that had lost his mother at such a young age and for the man sitting before him, still letting his mother’s death dictate his moves. It was a noble cause, for sure, but Steve couldn’t shake the feeling that it had demanded many sacrifices from the man.He coughed which seemed to shake Wildner from his thoughts.“And then the Klingon attacks happened.”For a moment, Wildner looked at him in confusion, apparently too caught up in his memories. Then recognition flittered across his face.“Right. Then the Klingon attacks happened. And there was more death than I’ve ever seen before. And there’s likely more to come as we’re heading into a full-blown war with the Klingon Empire. And for now, our hope is placed on a doctor with amnesia who is asked to do the impossible by reviving the one man capable of seeing us through this war victoriously.”Steve swallowed, throat suddenly dry.“Way to add some pressure.”Wildner’s look remained serious.“These are difficult times. It wouldn’t do to mince my words just to make you feel better, Doctor.”There wasn’t much to say to that. It was the truth after all.Steve reclined in his chair, eyes drifting up towards the ceiling. It was an awful responsibility. Being made the sole key figure in the wake of an upcoming war. Well, not entirely, but at least the only means to reach the key, which was the revival of Admiral Sucram.But Wilder’s story had brought something to his attention. Being a doctor, he naturally wanted to prevent death; Steve didn’t need his memories to know that. And in this drive to protect, he understood the other man when he had said that he would do whatever it took to achieve this goal.Steve recognized this feeling. A desperate need to succeed, an urge to achieve one outcome while everything else moved to the background, lost its meaning. The full conviction to do whatever necessary, damn any consequences. Steve knew this feeling, felt it reverberate through him. But only as a shadow. An echo of the true emotion he had once felt. An emotional reference to a point in his past that had been defined by only this desire.And it was missing. Right now, in this moment, when he thought of producing this thrice-damned serum, he felt nothing of the sort, nothing of what he could see in Wildner’s devotion to the project, to Section 31. Steve wanted to help, wanted to create it in order to save innocent beings. But for whatever reason he didn’t burn with conviction, wasn’t consumed by it.Steve rubbed his hands over his face. Maybe if he could remember the attacks it would be different. Maybe his emotions were as screwed as his memories.Glancing at Wildner, Steve pressed his lips together. Maybe he wasn’t as convinced as Wildner, but he could do it for him. As long as Steve’s judgment was impaired by his amnesia, he could base his motivations on Wildner’s urge to protect, to help.To do whatever it took.It would have to be enough for now.Getting up from his chair, Steve looked down at the other man and smiled crookedly.“Well, then I better get back to work. That serum’s not gonna develop itself.”Steve was motivated, determined when he went back into the lab.Roughly twenty-four hours later, five of which had been spent restlessly tossing and turning in his bed, he was back to frustration. The damn cells simply weren’t doing what he needed them to do in order to fulfil their purpose of reviving, but not entirely changing a dead organism. At least Tyrell wasn’t keeping him company today; he really wasn’t up to another fight. He was agitated enough as it was.Steve was just contemplating the latest results of his tests, when there was a muffled boom, followed by a loud crash somewhere above his head.Up until this point, Steve had kept the worry about a new attack somewhere at the back of his mind. A distant possibility, but nothing tangible, nothing to really concern himself with.Within the blink of an eye, the thought had morphed into a concrete threat, from abstract worry to real fear as the adrenaline pumped through his body and made his heart race, his muscles poised for an attack. Ready to strike, ready to run.Willing his body to forcibly relax, Steve slowly got up, his eyes never leaving the door.Somehow, he had expected more noise in the case of an attack. A red light signaling an intrusion, an obnoxious sound piercing the air and setting everyone even more on edge. People shouting. Instead, it was eerily quiet.In some way, that was even more agitating.Minutes went by. There was nothing.Steve felt his heart slow down and his muscles relax as the seconds ticked by and nothing happened. Maybe it had just been an accident within the facility. Maybe one of the other, technical projects had malfunctioned.There were sounds in the distance. Muffled voices. Steps. Footsteps coming closer with every second ticking by. Steve’s heart jumped into his throat, blocking his airway as he became acutely aware of everything. The sweat on his palms. The goosebumps rising on his forearms. The cold shudder gliding down his spine.Looking around, gaze jumping from one object to next, Steve just managed to grab a pen, the sharpest thing he could spot on his desk in a hurry – and why the hell wasn’t there anything sharper and more weaponlike in the lab for situations just like that?! – before he turned around at the hiss of the door, pen in front of him as a pathetic weapon.“Dammit Centrich! You just gave me a heart attack! I thought you were a Klingon, ready to cut me to pieces.”The relief at seeing the other man left Steve shaky for a moment and he grabbed for the back of his chair.Centrich on the other hand didn’t look at ease at all. On the contrary, the man appeared even more serious than usual, a rush in every move and facial expression a mask of tension.Come to think of it, the two phasers in his hand weren’t particularly confidence inspiring either.Steve swallowed.Apparently, the noises from above hadn’t been from a malfunction.In long strides, Centrich crossed the distance between them, one phaser held out towards Steve like an offering. On instinct, Steve grabbed it.“It’s not the Klingons.”The other man’s face was pale, but Steve could see the disgust on his face.“It’s traitors. Human mercenaries who put their own financial gain over any feeling of belonging. Despite the Klingons’ attack on Earth, this scum still collaborates with them. Guess they’d do everything for money, even kill their own people. They are here to support the Klingons, to weaken the human resistance which means sabotaging this project.”Pressing the phaser even firmer into his hand, Centrich’s grey-blue eyes bored themselves into Steve’s, serious and calm but for one underlying emotion. It was barely there, barely recognizable, but for a moment Steve thought the other looked almost- gleeful.“I’ve got to leave, I need to get on my post and with luck we’ll push them back before they reach you. But if someone other than us comes through this door, you shoot. No questions asked, no talking, just shoot. It’s gonna depend on who’s the fastest shot and they certainly won’t stop for a chat. So, you need to be quicker, Doctor.”Oh.It really hadn’t been an accident with one of the other projects. It was an attack. A real attack.Steve felt it difficult to draw breath.Without thinking, his fingers closed around the weapon. It was cool, smooth. Light. Efficient.The goosebumps were back in full effect while a vile taste collected in his mouth. He felt nauseous.Unable to respond, Steve only jerked his head up and down stiffly.Centrich’s hand landed on his shoulder, heavy rather than reassuring.“We’ll try to keep them from you. But be prepared to defend yourself.”With those words, Centrich turned around and, with one unreadable look back, left the room.Steve sat down on the chair. Objectively, he knew that he should take position. Should find a spot where he was covered and could easily shoot at the first person entering the lab.Distantly, Steve thought that he should feel more afraid. That there should be fear rushing through his body, flight instinct urging him to run. And there was some distant feeling of it, a faint flutter of panic. But far stronger was the feeling of resolve, getting stronger with every breath he took.He could do this. He had once been trained in Starfleet, had learned how to use a phaser. The memories of his instructions might be gone, but the instinctive knowledge, the procedural memory would still be intact.He was able to defend himself.Exhaling loudly one last time, Steve got up and looked around the room. There wasn’t much to take cover, but if he crouched right next to the desk, he wouldn’t immediately be visible to any intruder. It might provide him with the few additional seconds he needed to assure his advantage.Forcing down the thought of what it meant if he was the first to shoot – killing. He would kill someone – Steve took up his position.Then he waited.The seconds seemed to stretch longer than usual, minutes dragging like hours. There was silence. Silence only broken by the rush of his blood through his ears, the beating of his heart.The sound of phaser fire in the distance.Steve felt his mouth go dry. He gripped the weapon even harder, sweaty palm a contrast to the metal, warm in his hand by now.Silence again. Distant voices.And finally, steps. Steps coming closer in his direction, halting here and there as if their owner paused in between to look into other rooms, but never stopping.Until they did, right when they had been the loudest, in front of the door separating his lab from the corridor.Steve closed his eyes briefly and exhaled.Then he pointed the phaser at the door.There was the usual hiss when the door slid open. From his hiding spot, Steve wasn’t able to see much. The shapes of the two beings who had entered the room were definitely humanoid, both wearing the same kind of clothing, a grey uniform. Steve couldn’t see their faces but that wasn’t necessary: He could see the drawn phasers in their hands well enough.Inhale. Exhale.Steve aimed carefully and fired.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
You're gone, gone, gone away; I watched you disappear
All that's left is a ghost of you
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart; there's nothing we can do
Just let me go, we'll meet again soon
Of Monsters and Men, “Little Talks” The good thing, Jim thought, about going to bed after you completely exhausted yourself in the gym was that sheer tiredness put you to sleep rather quickly, no matter the maelstrom of thoughts and emotions trying their best to keep you awake. The bad thing was that three hours of sleep didn’t exactly qualify as sufficient rest and his sore muscles reminded him just how bad an idea it had been to push himself so recklessly the night before.Jim groaned when he rolled to the side, his entire body stiff and aching, his eyes so dry that it was almost painful to keep them open. It was still dark outside and when he squinted at the digital clock on his bedside table it displayed that it was only four thirty in the morning.Fuck. He needed coffee and a hot shower to even remotely function. Possibly the other way around, but definitely those two.His gaze drifted past the clock and to the book lying on the bedside table. It belonged to Bones, an old classic from the 20th century he had lent to Jim after he had complained one too many times about not having anything worthwhile to read. Jim had taken it with him when he had temporarily moved into Uhura’s and Spock’s guest room, needing some link to his missing friend.Bones was coming home. Finally, after seven days of not knowing, of constant worry, they would bring him back.Taking a deep breath, Jim sat up abruptly, grunting as his abs and arms protested the movement.“Lights, fifty percent.”Squinting against the sudden brightness, Jim gingerly got up and shuffled to the bathroom. Ordering on the lights there as well, he quickly undressed and ordered the temperature of the shower to a pleasant warmth. The spray hitting his muscles was a relief, releasing at least some of the tension. Jim had ordered on the water rather than the sonic – while the later might fulfil its purpose of getting him clean, it certainly hadn’t the same effect as warm water to soothe his aches and wake him up – and although he didn’t dawdle too long so as to not waste too much of the water ration, he still took his time. There was nothing like a shower in the morning, especially when you had to get up at an ungodly hour.Once he was finished, Jim quickly dried himself off, then wrapped the towel around his waist and walked back into his room. He could hear quiet noises coming from the kitchen and there was a soft glimmer of light emanating from its general direction. The scent of coffee slowly drifted down the corridor and Jim swore he felt already more awake just from the smell.Stepping into his room, he picked up the standard dark grey uniform Spock had brought with him, one most Fleet members usually didn’t have at home. It was the one usually favored for incognito missions. When remaining undetected as long as possible and nothing to point directly back at Starfleet was a priority. The later wasn’t really an issue for this mission obviously, but there was no knowing what kind of surveillance the fugitives had in their hideout.Because, to make this absolute clusterfuck even worse, of course they had to be hiding in one of Section 31’s secret locations Starfleet hadn’t even known about yet. Probably because it just had to be among the files that had been deleted before the entire organization got busted. Which meant that they had no idea what to expect. The agents could have any kind of technology at their hands, any kind of weapons, apart from the equipment they had stolen. Therefore, so as to not endanger the hostage’s life even more, they had to remain unnoticed as long as possible.
The hostage’s life.
Jim had to swallow as he remembered the official wording of the strategic plans for today Spock had shown him.Bones’ life. It was Bones’ life at risk. Bones who could be killed if they made but one mistake. Bones who might already be dead if his abductors had gotten what they wanted. Bones who had been taken because of what he had done for Jim.He had to close his eyes against the sudden burn, pressing his forehead against the cooling glass of the wardrobe mirror in front of him. The raw fear clawing at his throat made his heart race, streaming through his entire body and leaving him shaky and weak.He couldn’t think like that. He couldn’t or he would lose his mind, right here and now.Taking a shuddering breath, he straightened and looked at his reflection.Determination needed to be his guiding emotion. Determination had driven Jim into the warp core, ready to die for his crew. Determination had given Bones the strength to bring him back to life. It was the energy Jim needed today, the only thing he would allow himself to feel. Pulsing from the center of his chest and spreading to his entire body like a warm drink after too much time spent in the freezing cold, pushing back the ashy taste of fear.It would help him bring his friend home safely.Turning away, he quickly changed into his uniform and, picking up his communicator on his way out, went towards the kitchen.To his surprise, it wasn’t Spock filling a second cup of steaming coffee when he entered the room.It was Uhura, dressed in her red uniform, hair tied back into the same high ponytail she usually favored. Altogether, not a single hair seemed out of place as she carried herself with the same elegance as ever, no indication of the early hour noticeable in her demeanor.Jim had no idea how she did that while he felt like a sleepwalking zombie.Seeing her forced a kaleidoscope of memories of yesterday evening’s events to the forefront of Jim’s mind: of broken dishes lying on the floor, hateful words tearing out of his throat and the usually confident expression of Lieutenant Uhura turned into ashen shock.He stopped abruptly in his tracks, pulling her attention from the coffeepot to him.Slowly, the pot was lowered and placed aside as she regarded him.Jim swallowed.How had it been easier to apologize to his Vulcan first officer than to Uhura?Clearing his throat, Jim started, “Nyota, I’m so sorry! I…” before she interrupted him with a shake of her head.“No, Jim. Not now. I know you have been hurting because of Leonard but what you said to Spock yesterday… I want to talk about it, and I think that talk deserves more time than just in passing.”She sighed, briefly glancing down and picking up one of the two mugs.“I know Spock has given his forgiveness already, and you’ll get mine eventually, but not now. Spock wouldn’t hold a grudge against you if it could impact your working relationship, but I have no such qualms. He doesn’t express his hurt because it isn’t logical to do so, so I need to do it for him.”She smiled slightly.“Call it the prerogative of the girlfriend.”A punch in the gut would have hurt less than the impact her words had on Jim.“I’m so sorry.”Uhura nodded.“I know. But you really hurt him, even if he doesn’t tell you.”“I hurt you too.”Because he had. Some of the things he had said must have been just as hurtful for her. Not to mention that she was obviously hurting for Spock.Uhura calmly looked at him.“You have. And we will talk about it, and next time you’ll do better. But today is about Leonard. Today is about bringing him home and you need to focus on that, not worry about what happened yesterday.”Picking up the second cup of coffee, she handed it to him and when she smiled this time, it actually reached her eyes.“We will be fine eventually.”There was a lump in his throat, obstructing his voice. Jim took a sip of his coffee, the hot liquid burning on its way down.“Thank you.”Uhura waved her hand, turning back towards the water boiler and pouring hot water over some tea leaves. Jim caught the scent of some flavor Spock preferred to drink in the morning.Jim took another sip of coffee and felt how the drowsiness slowly gave way to something resembling fully awake and alert.It took him almost half of the cup before he realized what was wrong with the picture of Uhura in her uniform standing in their kitchen.“Why are you awake already and in uniform? Did they change the working hours at the Linguistics department?”Uhura snorted, rolling her eyes as she turned back to him.“Our working hours remained the same, no worries. I’ll accompany you and Spock over to headquarters and oversee communication during the mission. Chekov, Scotty and Sulu will probably be there too, just in case there’s some way they can help from here; Admiral Henry didn’t want to many of the Enterprise crew in the ‘Recover’ team.”The lump in his throat was back and Jim felt something soft melt inside his chest. His face must have shown some emotion because Uhura’s expression softened.“He’s our friend as well, Jim. We might not have been as frenzy with worry like you, but we care about him just as you do.”A smirk slowly crept on her face.“Or maybe not exactly. I don’t think the rest of us are as smitten with him as you are.”And of course, that was the moment Spock entered the kitchen, leaving Jim to flush bright red and sputter indignantly.They left shortly after, the coffee finally having fulfilled its promise of turning Jim into a real human being. His body was still sore, but Jim pushed it to the back of his mind. He had handled far worse.The floors on the ground were still quiet when they entered headquarters. Most personnel still had some hours of sleep before they had to be on duty.Reaching the meeting room was a stark contrast to the calm of the early hour covering the rest of the campus. At least a double of a dozen people was already inside the room, chatting amongst each other, pointing at one document or another on the PADDs in their hands.With a brief squeeze to Jim’s arm and a fond smile for Spock, Uhura told them goodbye, then wandered over to a human man and a female Andorian. Jim kept his gaze on them for a while, absentmindedly watching the conversation between them when a loud cough brought all talking in the room to a halt. There was silence, every face turning to Admiral Henry who stood at the front of the room, looking at all of them, brows drawn together and lines around his mouth tense.“Gentlemen, Gentlewomen. You know your mission. You have all been debriefed on the four fugitives. I don’t think I have to remind any of you how important it is to not let any of them escape.”The admiral paused for a moment, eyes flickering to Jim.Jim felt his heart miss a beat.“I also won’t have to remind you that these prisoners have taken a hostage, one of our own. Lieutenant Commander McCoy has been abducted one week ago and there has been no sign of life since. Due to surveillance footage we received, you are to act on the belief that he is still alive. As we don’t know which condition he will be in, medical personnel will accompany you.”Another pause. Henry licked his lips, then pressed them together.Jim’s stomach was tying itself up in a knot.“Saving McCoy is important. However,”Jim’s breath got caught in his throat.
However?
“However, you first mission is to detain these rogue agents. Not only is their agenda in complete contrast to Starfleet, but they are heavily armed, making them an imminent threat to Starfleet and, potentially, the entire Federation. Taking them in has absolute priority. Above everything.”There was a rushing in Jim’s head, all persistent. Like static. His chest was tightening, crushing his lungs, his heart.One moment he was hot, then there were goosebumps, rising on his arms, driplets of icy water running down his spine.He opened his mouth to say something, anything, because they couldn’t… what Henry was saying meant…Above everything. Above saving Bones. Saving Bones’ life.A hand grasped his wrist, squeezing it comfortingly, warningly. Jim looked to his right.Spock was standing close to him, eyes looking straight ahead at the admiral. His face was as passive as always, only some small lines on his brow indicating that he appeared bothered by what the other man had been saying. Glancing sideways, Spock seemed to make certain that he had garnered Jim’s attention, then he shook his head.Jim closed his mouth.“Take care and when possible, bring our man home. Dismissed.”When possible. Henry really needed to brush up his skills on motivational speeches, Jim thought, feeling shaky and lightheaded. He turned towards his first officer as people around them started to move towards the exit, a soft murmur of voices floating through the room.“Spock. Care to explain what that was?”The Vulcan still looked at the admiral, who had turned towards Admiral Cartwright standing somewhat to the side until this point, and started to talk to the other admiral quietly.“It appears, Captain, that the commander-in-chief is not prepared to ‘take any chances’, as you would say, and is willing to sacrifice Doctor McCoy should there be no other option. In case the fugitives are – hostile upon our arrival and take the good doctor as hostage a second time.”“To use him as a shield, you mean.”Spock inclined his head.Nausea made his stomach twist and Jim had to clench his fists to keep himself from shaking the Vulcan. Swallowing, Jim forced down the panicked rage crawling up his throat.“I know you two love to bicker, but I know he’s just as much your friend as he’s mine. So, I’m all open for suggestions, Mister Spock.”The other raised his eyebrow. Jim really wished Vulcans would allow themselves at least one more facial expression; interpreting this one was getting tiresome after a while.“We will make sure that these prisoners are placed in custody and won’t present a danger to anyone from now on, Captain. However, if we were to set our priorities differently, such as to ensure that the doctor remains unharmed during the operation – I have calculated the risk of endangering the arrest of the agents due to this priority shift of only two people to be 7.43%, which is unfortunate but still within an acceptable margin. Likewise, the chances of the doctor’s survival will increase by 44.78% if two of the twenty officers on this mission focus entirely on his retrieval rather than on the fugitives’ apprehension. It is therefore only logical if we ascertain that the Enterprise will not be in need of a new chief medical officer on our next tour.” Relief was flooding Jim’s body, making him almost giddy. Knowing that Spock wouldn’t really appreciate a hug, especially in public, he settled for a tight squeeze of the other’s shoulder.“Sounds like a plan, Mister Spock. Let’s go!”And with a pat on the Vulcan’s shoulder, Jim turned and followed the last of the other officers towards the hangar.The two shuttles that would take them to the hideout were already prepared when they reached them. Jim had wondered why they didn’t simply use a transporter, but Spock had argued that they would need medical equipment close by in case someone got injured and they didn’t know if beaming inside the facility would be an option – there was the possibility that Section 31 might have installed a device to block beaming directly in- or outside their buildings.Sitting down, Jim barely had time to close the safety harness before the shuttle’s engines were started, its doors closed, and a gentle thrust propelled them forward. Seemed as if he and Spock had been the last two.The journey towards their destination didn’t take long, maybe five minutes. To Jim, these minutes felt endless. It was enough time to consider any possible situation they could encounter.Of Bones being used as human shields against them, being shot by an overeager Fleet officer who regarded the doctor’s life worth the arrest of the agents.Of Bones being killed in front of Jim’s eyes by one of the fugitives.Bones being already dead when they arrived, his empty eyes condemning Jim as too little, too late. Not enough.Jim had never wished for a journey to be over, yet fear its end at the same time.The building they arrived at was an old warehouse in the district Jim and Sulu had been in the previous day. They had been a couple of streets away, hadn’t even walked past this particular building, but to Jim the sight of the rundown structure, its empty windows looking at them like dark chasms inside a mountain face, felt like a mocking reminder of his inadequacy. Maybe if he had done something different the other day, if they had looked here, they could have found Bones one day earlier.The streets were mostly empty, only a few people walking down the sidewalk on their way to work or wherever the had to be at this early hour. Most made a wide berth around the Fleet personnel pouring out of the shuttle, eyes averted to the ground, but some stopped for a moment to appreciate the break of their tedious everyday routine, gawking curiously.Since Jim didn’t have any authority on this mission, apart from the official order “Catch the bad guys” and his more private goal “Save Bones”, he remained close to Spock, trying not to be in the way to give no one any reason to make him stay with the shuttles. Moving with the others, phasers drawn, they moved towards the entrance and on the signal of the commander in charge, Commander Hughes, they opened the door.The area before them was deserted, only a few old machines having been left behind when the warehouse had been closed down, apparently not valuable enough to be used or stolen. The air was chilly and musty, carrying the smell of a building abandoned for a long time.For a moment there was only silence, their breathing the only discernible sound.“Are we sure that traitor gave us the right address?”A young lieutenant had lowered his phaser and looked around, seemingly annoyed that the former agents weren’t already waiting for them.Hughes shot him a look and he hastily adapted his stance back to vigilant attention.“Swarm out, scan the building. I’m pretty sure Section 31 wouldn’t have their secret hideout”, and here she shot another look at the lieutenant, “open for anyone to find who might walk in here. Look for hidden rooms, something underground. They must be here.”Mumbling among themselves, everyone took out the hand scanner attached to their hips, pointing it towards the walls or the ground.It didn’t take long until some shout of “Over here” brought them all towards the back of the warehouse. In front of a small niche, obscured partly by empty crates and stray materials, Jim saw one of the lieutenants from engineering kneel in front of a panel.“The scans showed some anomalies here, indicating an empty space that’s not noted on the layout. The panel’s been hidden but someone must have done it in a haste or was sloppy, it wasn’t too difficult to find.”She looked towards Hughes and pointed towards the wall next to her.“I suppose there could be a lift behind, panel here belongs to one anyway. You could start looking for a way to open it, in case I can’t hack into it or set off an alarm. Just to be safe, ya know?”Hughes nodded, then waved two other officers to her, mumbling something to them that Jim couldn’t understand. Nodding, they moved towards the wall, one already starting to rummage in one of the bags he had carried.Jim felt alternately hot and cold, his stomach one tight knot of nerves as he found himself gnawing on his bottom lip. He felt Spock’s gaze on his face, yet he ignored him, letting his eyes wander between the lieutenant and the two officers.It couldn’t have been longer than ten minutes when the lieutenant swore. Hughes stepped next to her, raising an eyebrow at the colorful language.“Well, I got as far as I could, but I can’t get past the iris scan to open the stupid door! Once the door is open, we should be able to operate the lift without any further identification of the sort, but anything else I do will set off an alarm and would give them too early a warning.”Hughes nodded, then turned towards the two security officers.“How far are we with an alternative?”One of them, an older Andorian, gestured towards the construction they had attached to the wall. It looked like a miniature explosive.Jim’s gut gave a twist. So much for subtlety and the element of surprise.“The wall’s too thick to open it without creating any form of noise that might be heard below. The fastest way to do it, giving them the smallest possible window to react would be to fabricate a concentrated explosion to blast it. Provided that we can access the lift behind immediately; the wall here’s a secret door meant to disguise and protect the cabin behind, so the lift shouldn’t be destroyed – much.”Hughes pressed her lips together and Jim could see the tension building inside her from the way her shoulders drew slightly towards her neck. He had a tendency to do the same.She turned back towards the engineering lieutenant.“Can you access the lift from outside so that we could immediately use it once the wall’s broken down?”The lieutenant hesitated for a moment, then nodded.“Give me a minute.”Turning back to the panel, she fumbled with it some more, Jim unable to see as her back obscured his direct view.“Ready, mam.”Jim could see Hughes hesitate but for a moment. He could guess what went through her head. All the possible alternatives, every outcome if she gave that order. The pros and cons and which outweighed the other. The same thoughts running through his head whenever a mission had turned sour and he needed to find a way to keep as many as possible of his crew save.Hughes was good, Jim readily admitted that. There was no alternative, no other way she could follow her orders with the lowest possible risk towards the hostage.Didn’t mean that he had to like the few minutes the agents would have to their advantage.“Alright everyone, move back. Lieutenant Ch'thesreq, Lieutenant Harrigson, ready when you are.”The explosion wasn’t very loud. It was as the lieutenants had said, it had been detained and only created a big enough rift so that they could push aside the door.But it had certainly been audible to anyone in or underneath the warehouse.The rush of adrenaline through him, making everything seem enhanced, more in focus, was familiar as they moved into the lift cabin, big enough to carry ten at a time. Jim didn’t even think to question in which team he would be in as he stepped inside the small lift cage.Jim tightened the grip around his phaser as the elevator began to move agonizingly slowly towards the ground, the smooth metal warm in his hands. When the doors opened in front of them, he was prepared for everything. An ambush, the four agents already waiting for them and ready to attack. A torture chamber. A lab.Instead the lift lead into a hallway, walls a pasty white and doors leading away to the left and right. It was eerie quiet. No voices or footsteps. Only the buzzing of some form of engine hidden behind one of the doors.Hughes gestured the others to wait, then she turned towards Spock and Jim.“Commander Spock, as far as I’m concerned Captain Kirk is your responsibility during this mission. You know our orders. The fugitives are to be arrested at all costs.”Her eyes moved towards Jim.“But I know Doctor McCoy is part of your crew. He’s a member of Starfleet and as far as I’m concerned, we do whatever it takes to bring our people home. So, while I will instruct everyone else to look for the agents foremost – and keep an eye open for the doctor should they find him, of course – your orders are to look for McCoy only and to ensure his safety.”She looked back to Spock.“Any questions, Commander?”Should Hughes ever consider a change in career and want to serve on a starship, Jim would offer her a post in a heartbeat. He could use people like her, loyal, dutybound but willing to bend the rules when necessary. Spock inclined his head.“Understood, Commander Hughes.”She nodded, then gestured for everyone to move out.With one short side glance at Jim, Spock started walking down the corridor and Jim had no other choice but to follow him.Distantly Jim was aware of the other team members pairing up as well and entering the rooms to their left and right, but his eyes were focused on Spock who seemed to have made a choice as to which door to open first. After a brief fuss at the control panel the door swished open.The room behind appeared mostly empty if it weren’t for the chair, standing in the center, leather restraints hanging down from its sides as if someone had moved out of them just a moment ago. Waiting for its next occupant.Looking at it, Jim felt like an ice bucket had been emptied over his head. Cold panic slid slowly down his body like slimy goo, images of what exactly such a chair could be used for gnawing at the edge of his mind, trying to seep through. Visions of Bones in the chair, straining against the leather cutting into his skin…Spock’s hand on his shoulder raised him from his stupor, lips pressed to a thin line hinting at his own worries towards the chair and its use.“Captain. We don’t know if Doctor McCoy was even in this room. The facility might be bigger than expected so it is possible that he has been held somewhere else entirely. It is illogical to imagine situations that may not even have taken place without any proof of their occurrence.”Jim took in a breath, his throat tight and painful at the rush of air.“Yeah, I- You’re right, Spock. Maybe he wasn’t even here.”
But maybe he was.
“Let’s see what we’ve got here.”Walking around the room, phasers always at the ready, they didn’t find much else. A machine of some sort with electrodes attached to it, lying carelessly next to it on a small shelf. Jim refused to think about it any further, steadfastly pushing down any potential scenarios flaring up in his mind.They moved on, passing through another room before stumbling into a kitchen area. There was an empty, used mug in the sink, coffee smudges still smearing the edge. Not unsimilar to the one Jim himself had left behind just two hours ago, at the apartment. To find such an everyday object here, in the middle of an operation meant to take down potential terrorists felt strangely surreal. Somehow it made them more – real, more relatable. As if there were actual humans behind the pictures they had been shown that morning, so very long ago. A week. It had only been a week.A phaser shot in the distance had both Jim and Spock turn around at the same time, weapons instinctively raised in defense.There was no one there.Spock lowered his first.“I suggest we proceed, Captain.”Nodding, Jim lowered his phaser as well and then they were moving again. Through an arch, leading to another corridor with doors leading away to the left. It had such an uncanny resemblance to the first hallway they had entered that Jim momentarily questioned whether they somehow had moved in a circle before he realized the difference to before: Most of the doors here stood already open, black windows in the sickly white walls. Only one was closed.They still had to check the dark rooms; just because they were open, didn’t mean they couldn’t be used as concealments, but after a quick search, all of them were as they appeared – empty. It didn’t take them long to force open the one door that had been closed and once they were inside, Jim got the distinct impression that they may have finally found something.It was a lab, medical research equipment Jim had seen often enough in either med bay or one of the science labs on the Enterprise laid out on desks or locked away in cabinets. The light had been turned on when they had entered and at least one of the technical devices was humming quietly, a familiar, almost soothing background noise. As if someone had stepped out for only a moment.Hoisting his phaser a bit higher, Jim recognized the familiar tingle at the back of his mind as his senses screaming at him that this was different to earlier, that there was someone in here watching them. He was about to open his mouth to introduce themselves as Starfleet when he caught a flicker of something to his left.A reflection, a shadow.As if someone had moved while simultaneously trying to remain hidden.There was a split second. A second in which he was hit with the comprehension what that meant, in which he turned his body to the side and slammed into Spock, crashing them both to the ground.A phaser shot sailed over their heads, through the space where Spock had been standing, would have been standing if Jim hadn’t pushed him aside.The long familiar rush of adrenaline had his heart beating almost painfully fast in his chest, all senses sharpened as Jim turned on his back, phaser pointed towards the desk where the shot had come from.“This is James Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise. We’re Starfleet and whoever you are, if you lay down your weapons no harm will come to you and you’ll receive a fair trial.”From his position on the ground, Jim could see the outline of a foot, peeking out from behind the desk. Glancing briefly at Spock, he gestured the Vulcan to stay put. Let the other think that he had hit him, it could work to their advantage in an opportune moment.There was a rustling of clothes as if someone tried to adjust their position.A snort.“Yeah, right. You’re Starfleet. Nice try, how stupid do you think I am?”For a moment, Jim felt like he had received a punch to the solar plexus, breath taken away in an instant. Feeling all fight drain from him like a waterfall, pouring out of every muscle, Jim lowered his phaser and stemmed himself up on suddenly shaky arms.The words didn’t make any sense, but the voice…He would recognize it anywhere.“Bones?!”It was barely more than a rasping sound, his throat suddenly filled with glass and sand, and he had to swallow against the pain. Another noise from the direction of the desk.“What the… What bones? You hit your head during that fall?”It had to be a trick. This didn’t make any sense, it was Bones’ voice but his words- he truly sounded as if he didn’t know what Jim was talking about. As if he didn’t recognize him.It had to be a trick.Biting his lip, Jim pointed his phaser at the desk again.“I don’t know what kind of ploy you’re playing, but I’m not interested. Show yourself.”A laugh, incredulous.“Right, so that you can shoot me? I don’t think so.”“We’re Starfleet, we don’t kill people just for fun. That’s more your style.”“Fuckin’ stop lying to me! If you do, at least come up with a more credible one. We are Starfleet, so why the heck should I fall for your ruse?!”What the…? This really didn’t add up. The person talking sounded like they honestly believed their words. That or they were an exceptionally good liar. And why did they sound like Bones? How could Section 31 have copied his voice so well?A thought struck Jim and he breathed easier at the new idea.“Look, I don’t know who you are- Centrich, Simril or Wildner? I’m assuming you aren’t Tyrell, that voice modification wouldn’t work so well on her, so whoever you are, it’s over. Starfleet officers are searching the entire facility as we speak and they will find your partners. But maybe you can get a head start, get a better deal if you cooperate. Where’s Doctor McCoy?”There was a brief silence after that, and Jim shot Spock a quick glance. The Vulcan had moved into a crouch, out of sight to the person behind the desk even should they stand up, so he was ready for a surprise attack should they need it.“Fuck you, keep your deal to yourself. Seriously, how can you do that? Betray your own people, work with the Klingons to kill innocents?”The venom in the voice was new and it was real. Once again laced with a conviction hinting at the true belief behind the words.Jim furrowed his brow. The briefing hadn’t said anything about one of the agents being prone to illusions or the kind. Even Section 31, those most loyal to Marcus couldn’t believe that the rest of the Fleet was actively working with the Klingons. Could they?God, but it hurt to hear those accusations in Bones’ voice, even if it wasn’t truly him.“I- don’t know what you’re talking about. No one is working with the Klingons.”Jim heaved a sigh, he really had enough of this charade.“Listen, we both know it’s over, so fucking stop that stupid game you’re playing and get rid of the fucking voice modification. You can’t manipulate me by using this voice.”The silence that followed his statement was longer and for a moment Jim hoped that they would finally relent.“What- what voice modification? That is my voice, why would you- why do you say it’s modified?”Insecurity mixed with forced confidence as they spoke again, and Jim snapped.This had to be a trick. Whatever they might have done to him, Bones would have always recognized Jim, no matter the state he was in, so this couldn’t be anything but a plot by one of the fugitives, trying to manipulate Jim to lower his guard.“Fine, fuck, you know what, I’ll put down my phaser if you at least step in front of the desk. I need to see your face, I’m done playing.”Spock could shoot the asshole once they had a clear look on him.“Alright. Put your phaser down first.”To be honest, Jim hadn’t really expected the other to still uphold his charade. But it finally got them somewhere, so he slowly put his phaser to the ground, still within reach but out of sight for now.“I’ve put it down, so your turn. Show yourself.”Clothes were rustling again, and Jim swore he heard a faint crack, as if tendons and joints had stayed too long in one position.The frame emerging from behind the desk was masculine, dressed in inconspicuous clothing, a grey pullover hugging broad shoulders, blue jeans hanging from slim hips. The brown hair was slightly unkempt, as if its owner had brushed through it repeatedly. Even before he turned, Jim knew who it was.He felt as if the ground slid away under him, didn’t understand what this meant, how this could be possible.“Bones?”Jim knew that the desperation in his voice was obvious, saw it in the flinch on Bones’ face at the sound. But apart from that, there was nothing in his friend’s mimic that suggested any recognition, any feelings towards him. Only distrust.“Seriously, what is it with you and bones? What kind of bones are you talking about?”It was this moment that Jim couldn’t deny the truth anymore. Despite all the scenarios that had run through his head this entire week, Jim hadn’t really, fully believed that something permanent, something drastic could have been done to his friend. Maybe they would have banged him up, gave him a solid beating. Jim would have hunted them down for every finger they had ever laid on Bones but in the end, he had expected his friend to be waiting for his rescue, hurt but grumbling about what took them so long when they finally freed him.He wasn’t prepared for this, the look of a stranger staring at him through the eyes of his best friend. Looking at him without any recollection of what that name, that stupid, dear nickname Jim had bestowed on him when they first met even meant. What he meant to Jim.Pain shot through his chest, ripping at his heart and filling his mouth with an ashen taste. He wanted to be sick, throw up the panic, the denial, the blank fear taking space in every part of his body as loss so all compassing it threatened to drown him swept through him. Jim opened his mouth to say something, anything, although his mind was devoid of any words that could ever voice what he had just lost, only to be interrupted by Spock. At some point during Jim’s internal meltdown, he had left his crouch to take up position next to him and Bones moved his phaser towards the Vulcan, eyes widening slightly at the realization that he was outnumbered.The face of his first officer was stoic, his reaction to this revelation hidden behind as calm a mask as Jim had ever seen him wear.“Irrelevant for the moment. You have said that you are with Starfleet and we, therefore, cannot. Yet I assure you that both Captain Kirk and I are in active duty. Would our Fleet badges be proof of that?”Bones bit his lip, eyes switching between them.“How do I know they are real? They could be forged.”Spock inclined his head in agreement.“Indeed. However, you have accused us of working with the Klingons and of betraying our people, although I assume you referred to humans in this context. I presume you suspect that we have come to kill you and your- colleagues, is that correct?”Bones nodded, looking insecure.“Then why would we go to the trouble of forging a Fleet badge if we had planned to kill you all along? What is more, why would we still be here talking to you, trying to convince you, if we could have killed you approximately 2.5 minutes ago? You were not aware that I was still conscious. I could have easily shot you the moment you left your cover.”As much as he hated to admit it, but Spock’s logic seemed to have an effect. Bones furrowed his brow, gnawing at his lip as he contemplated them. It cracked his heart even more open, to see his friend regard them with such distrust and, although he hid it very well, a barely perceptible amount of fear.“Why- why do you think we would work with the Klingons?”Jim hated the shaky quality of his voice, but he couldn’t help it. His emotions were playing havoc on him and it took all his will power to appear at least marginally in control.“That’s- that’s what Centrich said. Because of the attacks- the metreon cascades on Earth… You’re mercenaries, you would do anything for money, even accept the death of millions.”Anger crept back in Bones’ voice at the accusation, but he didn’t sound as convinced as before.A thought lodged itself in Jim’s brain, nagging for his attention, pointing at a connection but he ignored it for now. The bigger picture could wait.“No one attacked Earth with metreon. There has been a – catastrophe, in San Francisco, but that was due to- internal reasons, a rogue agency within Starfleet operating independently. They were fucking trying to start a war, accepting the death of thousands…”Jim broke off, voice breaking at the surge of hot fury rushing through him at the thought of what Section 31 had done in their arrogance, of what these agents here must have done to Bones in their belligerence.A warm hand on his wrist brought him back to the present, anchoring him in the now. Spock’s eyes flickered to his momentarily, then his concentration was back on Bones.“You say that Commander Centrich told you we would work for the Klingons. Did he also claim that the Klingons were behind the attacks he told you about?”The insecurity was back in Bones’ eyes, teeth gnawing at his bottom lip.“That’s what all of them said. I- when I woke up here, Doctor Tyrell said there had been four attacks with metreon cascades by the Klingon Empire. That’s why we were working in secret…”He trailed off, eyes getting a far away look as if he remembered a past conversation.“Why did she have to tell you at all?” Spock asked gently.Bones’ gaze sharpened again, and Jim noted how he gripped the phaser’s handle tighter again.“None of your business.”“Very well. I assume due to the secret nature of your operation that you couldn’t leave the facility?”The doctor nodded curtly.“And did you not wonder why, if it was such an essential operation as you were told, there were only four other people working on it apart from yourself?”Based on Bones’ expression, Jim guessed that Spock had hit a weak spot. That he had indeed wondered but hadn’t thought to question it further because to him it had seemed plausible.Plausible only because they must have done something to his mind, something to have him forget the events of the last few months.To have him forget his life on the Enterprise if he didn’t recognize Spock either.Maybe even his Academy years if he didn’t even know Jim.He would have to pay the punching back in the gym another visit.Bones was pressing his lips together into a thin line, apparently unable to counter that argument.“The four people you have been working with – they are escaped prisoners, former agents of Section 31, an independent agency within Starfleet dissolved in the wake of the San Francisco attack. Apart from stealing Fleet equipment and weapons, they are also guilty of the kidnapping of my chief medical officer.”Jim held Bones’ gaze at the words, willing him to believe him, to understand what he was implying. And whatever these agents had done to him, his quick mind at least hadn’t suffered from it. The doctor paled, eyes widening and his arms still pointing the phaser at them slowly lowering.“Me?!”Jim nodded and watched as Bones took in a shaky breath, one hand leaving the weapon’s handle to brush through his hair.“I- I don’ remember. When I woke up here- I didn’t remember anything and they- Tyrell told me I had an accident. And it made sense- it would explain the amnesia….”
Amnesia.
Jim’s stomach lurched and his vision distorted itself for a second as he felt tremors run through his body.Fuck, what in the world had they done to his friend to have suffered from amnesia? How extensive was it?“Show me your badges.”There was something pleading in the doctor’s voice, something almost desperate in the way he was asking them for proof.Fumbling with fingers suddenly gone clumsy, Jim fished out his badge from the pocket inside his jacket, Spock next to him doing the same.They held the small devices in front of them and Bones snapped them out of their hands before he retreated to a safe distance again, weapon still in hand, but at least not directly pointed at them anymore.Jim watched as he activated the small holograms, as images of himself and Spock flickered in the air in front of Bones’ face, mirrored in his brown eyes. He saw the doctor’s eyes move rapidly, looking over their identification and sparse personal information, although what exactly he was looking for Jim couldn’t tell. If he couldn’t remember his time at Starfleet, how would he be able to identify a badge as real or not? If felt like an eternity but was probably a minute at the most when Bones finally seemed to accept their story, leaning against the desk behind which he had hid and placing the badges on its smooth plane.“I don’t even know…. God dammit!” Bones buried his face in his hands, only to move them up and pull at his hair in obvious frustration.Jim couldn’t help himself, his worry pouring over at the sight and with a few steps, he was next to his friend, placing a hand on his shoulder.The flinch was another punch in the gut, but at least Bones didn’t move away as he looked at Jim, gaze weary.“I know this is a lot. But you’re not alone, I promise. We’ll figure this out, alright?”A small spark of gratefulness glimmered in the doctor’s eyes as he regarded Jim before he nodded slightly.A wave of relief hit him then, leaving Jim as shaky as the panic had.They had found him. It wasn’t as he had hoped, it wasn’t ideal, but Bones was here, in front of him, alive and at least bodily well. He was save, finally in reach so Jim could touch him, see him, assure himself over and over again that they had done it, they had found him alive.Tears pricked at his eyes and Jim blinked to force them back. Instead he settled for giving Bones’ shoulder a squeeze.He would probably have to drop the nickname though. Explaining it really was too complicated for the moment and it would help to take on the role of Captain Kirk for now. Put some barrier between himself and his emotions.“We should check in with the rest of the team, see if they found all of the fugitives yet.”Jim perceived Spock’s nod at the periphery of his vision and picked up their badges, putting them away.“Let’s go, Doctor McCoy.”The change happened within a blink of an eye. Jim saw Bones stiffen at the name and the careful acceptance that had started to radiate from him morphed back into open distrust, tension back in his entire frame.Confused, Jim was about to say something, but Bones beat him to it.“It’s Steve. My name’s Steve George.”Before Jim could react, he was confronted with a phaser aiming directly at his face, the one he hadn’t thought to take from his friend because it was Bones, and Bones would never hurt him. Up close, he could recognize the setting.It wasn’t set on stun.Bones’ eyes had hardened, regarding Jim coolly while constantly flickering back to Spock as well to keep him in sight.“You almost had me there, you know? Don’t know what you think to gain by turning me against the others but I’m not playing it and I’m certainly not leaving with you to who knows where!”He lifted the phaser higher, gaze not wavering from Jim.“So, unless you want me to shoot you, you’ll step aside, and you and the hobgoblin over there will let me leave unhindered.”
Hobgoblin.
Bones had called Spock “hobgoblin”, something no one else Jim knew would ever think to call a Vulcan. And while the majority of his mind was still very much concerned with the threat of possibly being killed by his best friend, there was a quick rush of electric excitement running through him at the word. It meant that things might not be as hopeless. That despite what Bones had said, his amnesia might not be as bad.A shot past his left ear brought him back to the present really quick.“I said move!”Something seized painfully in Jim’s chest at the words. Bones wouldn’t have shot. He might have bluffed but he wouldn’t have shot, at least not that close to someone’s face, ever the doctor and aware of the damage that even a phaser set on stun could do to the body.But looking in the eyes of Steve George, Jim realized he had no idea if that still held true.
Steve George.
Fuck.How much of his friend’s identity had Section 31 taken?“Very well. You may leave, we will not detain you. Captain, move aside to let the doctor pass.”For a second Jim thought that Spock would really let Bones leave without any further protest – which would be pointless anyway as there were so many other Fleet officers outside that he was bound to run into someone. His eyes jumped to Spock in surprise and that was when he really took in how they were positioned.During their exchange, Spock had carefully and slowly changed position, placing Jim between the door and Bones, the desk to his left and Spock to his right and a bit behind Bones, standing further inside the room. If he stepped closer to the table, Bones had to move between Jim and his first officer. Placing the doctor within reach of the Vulcan.Swallowing, Jim lifted his hands calmingly as he moved to the side, praying that Spock was thinking along the same lines.Frame tense and obviously not trusting them to keep their word, Bones kept the phaser pointed at Jim’s head as he slowly stepped into the direction of the door.When he saw Spock nod almost unperceptively, Jim let his gaze purposefully wander to a spot somewhere behind Bones’ left shoulder and opened his eyes wide as if in surprise, letting his mouth go slack.One of the oldest tricks in the books, and Bones completely fell for it as he reflexively turned his body in small degrees to see what had Jim react that way, taking his gaze away from his target. It was the opening Spock had been waiting for.Stepping closer, his first officer grabbed Bones at the spot between shoulder and neck before the other fully realized what was about to happen. There was a brief flicker of panic in hazel eyes before they closed, the doctor’s entire body going slack as he fell unconscious under the Vulcan nerve pinch. Spock caught him before he could hit the ground, phaser dropping from lose fingers to the ground with a soft thud.Looking at his unconscious friend, at the phaser next to him, Jim was hit with the realization of what had just happened.Bones had threatened to kill him.The one person Jim knew he could always trust, would never harm him had pointed a phaser at his head and had by all appearance been ready to squeeze the trigger.There were so many things wrong with that statement, so many emotions trying to battler their way to the surface but Jim pushed them down.Not now.He couldn’t allow himself to feel even one of them or he would lose it.Instead he stepped closer and knelt down next to Bones to place one of his arms over his shoulder. Sensing Spock doing the same on the other side, Jim felt another painful seizure in his chest when he looked at his friend’s lax face.It hurt. His chest seemed to have become one big bruise in the last ten minutes. His heart, his lungs: every heartbeat, every breath hurt.Schooling his face into as neutral a mask as he could manage, Jim stood up and together they started the way back to the exit.And the entire walk, feeling the doctor’s weight pressing down on his shoulders, Jim couldn’t help but fear that he may have lost his friend for good.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When the tears come streaming down your face
'Cause you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste…
What could be worse?
Coldplay, “Fix you” The air smelled differently.It was the first thing Steve registered when he slowly gained awareness of his surroundings again.Something soft covering him up to the chest. Voices not too far away, yet muted, as if in another room. A soft mattress underneath him.Slowly, Steve blinked his eyes open, only to close them immediately and groan. Light. There was bright light coming from his left, raising the dull headache he had barely noticed when waking up to a raging one, threatening to split his skull open.Damn, it hurt.Groaning again, just about holding back the whimper that really wanted to escape, Steve turned away from the light source, putting his hands over his face and curling into himself.For a while, he just concentrated on his breath pattern, on the air streaming into his lungs, on his chest rising and sinking with every breath. Steve didn’t know how long he remained in this position but after a while the pain receded to a bearable level again.After a while of blocking his eyes with his hands, Steve tried to squint through his fingers.He was in a sort of bedroom, not dissimilar in its practical functionality to the first one he had woken up in after his accident. As far as he could see, there was a bedside table and a wardrobe to his right as well as two doors. But while his room before had been somewhat dull, this one appeared brighter and modern. The white on the wall seemed fresher and there were a few pictures on the wall, which gave the entire space an inviting feeling, even though Steve couldn’t quite see what they depicted.The smell was peculiar though. It was familiar, a smell of antiseptics and something else. Something unique to hospitals.Hospital.He was in a hospital.Forgetting himself for a moment, Steve sat up, clutching his head in pain as the headache returned full force at the movement. Resting his forehead on his raised-up knees, Steve sorted through the memories hitting him all at once.The attack on the research station. Centrich putting the phaser in his hand. Hiding behind the table, feeling anxiety and resolve running through him as he aimed at the door. Shooting at the intruders. A man telling him they were Starfleet, that he had been part of his crew – which was absolutely ridiculous, and Steve should have never fallen for their ploy, but there had been something. Something in the man’s blue eyes, imploring him to believe and damn, but their story had poked at all the questions Steve himself had had but never dared asking, had explored the insecurities and uncertainties about his past. If it hadn’t been for the name slip up, making it clear that they didn’t know him after all, he truly would have fallen for their ruse. The Vulcan in particular had been convincing in –Steve’s eyes shot open.The Vulcan. That sneaky bastard had nerve-pinched him, and while he had been passed out, they had abducted him to god-knows where.Well, apparently a hospital if the smell was anything to go by but Steve needed to see. He was in the hands of the enemy now and he had already wasted enough time trying to piece together what had happened. Taking a deep breath to brace himself against the pain, Steve lifted his head from his raised-up knees.The light made him tear up and Steve found himself blinking repeatedly, cursing as his headache skyrocketed again, yet he didn’t close his eyes again. Grabbing the bedsheets around him in a tight grip, Steve concentrated on breathing, forcing himself to keep his eyes open longer and longer.After what felt like hours but in all probability was only minutes, Steve was finally able to keep his eyes open and while the dwarf that had apparently taking up residence in his head and happily tried to break his way through his skull still persisted in causing him pain, Steve was able to ignore it for now in the face of his newest discovery.For the light source from hell was a window.Steve’s heart missed a beat.He hadn’t seen the outside world since he had come to in the secret research station one week ago. Why would his captors place him in a room with a window? Did they want to torment him by showing him the freedom he couldn’t have? Showing him the devastation the Klingons had wrought – if they even were in one of the cities that had been attacked. They could be anywhere; Steve had no way of knowing how long he had been out.Feeling shaky with excitement and nervousness, Steve moved aside the blanket and put his feet on the ground. The cool floor was a mild shock to his bare feet, but Steve ignored it in his effort to stay upright, the world spinning slightly around him as the vicious dwarf inside doubled his effort to crack his skull open. Gritting his teeth, Steve slowly shuffled forward, hand out in front of him in case his knees made true on their threat to give out underneath him and send him to the ground.Reaching the window and bracing himself against the wall next to it, it took a moment for Steve to take in what he was seeing. It was a city at the sea, the ocean, only just noticeable in the distance, glistening in the sunshine and the blue sky creating the picturesque image of a perfect sunny day. Skyscrapers reached towards the sky, the glassy outside reflecting the rays of sunlight. If he looked down, Steve could make out shuttles flying between them and people, no bigger than ants, scurrying on the streets. It could have been any city, were it not for the sight of the iconic Golden Gate Bridge Steve could see to his left when he strained his neck a little.It was shocking in its normalcy. Whatever else, Steve had expected to see either total destruction or at least a city on alert, the military present in case there was another attack. Tyrell and the others had certainly painted a dystopian enough picture of the entire planet whenever they talked about the attacks, but it clashed with what he looked at now. Everyday life, peace. It left Steve stunned from the difference between the truth he had been told and the apparent reality he was seeing.It had to be trick. Maybe it was some sort of hologram, projecting this image in front of the window to lull him into a false sense of security, weakening his defenses.There had to be a purpose for why they had taken him alive, why they were trying to bring him on their side. The two men had already started this approach when they had tried to convince Steve of their story, though for what purpose exactly he couldn’t fathom. He was a doctor, dammit, not some sort of secret agent or wonder kid that needed to be won for a specific side! Whatever their intention though, he had to remain vigilant. For now, these people might try the nice way, but Steve knew the truth about them.He wouldn’t, he couldn’t waver; lives depended on it.The sound of a door opening had him turn quickly. Holding onto the wall even firmer to stop the world from spinning, Steve squinted at the figure who had entered. It was a dark-skinned human doctor, dressed in the white of the medical profession and carrying a PADD underneath his arm. Upon seeing Steve standing by the window, his eyebrows raised, either in surprise or annoyance, before he schooled his features back to professional neutrality.Smiling, the doctor entered the room further and the door slid close behind him, locking Steve in with the other man. Without meaning to, Steve licked his lips, eyes flittering to his bedside table to see if there was anything he might be able to use to defend himself in case the doctor turned out to be more malicious than he appeared.Unsurprisingly, the table was empty; seemed like his captors didn’t want him to have any sort of weapon.“Good morning. I’m Doctor M’Benga, the doctor assigned to your case. The two officers who brought you in informed me that you show signs of amnesia, so that’s what I would like to focus on before we do a full physical. Is there anything else you feel you need medical attention for that I should be aware of before we begin? How are you feeling overall?”Steve blinked, taken aback by the question. He had expected the other to continue what the other two had started, namely convince Steve that they were Starfleet. He hadn’t expected to be simply asked how he felt.“I- fine. That is…”, he cut himself off. This was the enemy. However nice he asked, this man was still part of the group who had abducted him, still a part of the mercenaries working with the Klingons. He couldn’t let his guard down.Pressing his lips together, Steve directed his gaze towards the wall next to the doctor, doing his best to ignore the dizzy spells shaking his equilibrium.The other man sighed, then stepped next to the table to put down the PADD he had carried.“I know this must be difficult. You don’t know me and considering the circumstances how you got here, you don’t know who you can trust. But I’m first and foremost a doctor, like you. I took an oath to help people. And I know that a Vulcan nerve pinch isn’t pleasant at the very least and I assume that you must have had some form of head injury that caused your amnesia, which might still be bothering you. So please, will you at least allow me to examine you, to help you?”Damn, this man knew how to play his buttons. He shouldn’t even think about giving in, should simply continue to stare at the wall, but something told him that he could trust the other man. Maybe because he was a doctor as well; maybe he felt a sense of professional kinship. Maybe it was the headache that threatened to split his head open and happily continued to make the world dance in front of his eyes. Whatever the reason, Steve directed his gaze back to the other man.He didn’t have to trust him, but if he offered medical help then he should take it. He would be of no use to Tyrell and the others if he couldn’t even walk straight.“Ya well, if you must know… my head feels like a troop of elephants took their refuge there and are now trying to find a way out. Makes me feel dizzy”, he grumbled. No reason to play nice with the enemy just because he needed their medical help.The other man, M’Benga, acknowledged that with a movement of his head. “Did you receive any medical attention in the last week, regarding your headache or other matters?”Steve furrowed his brow but nodded slightly. “I see. I assume it was mostly concerned with your amnesia or did you need any other treatment?”“No, just an examination of my head and a test to see how far my amnesia extended.”If he had blinked, he would have missed it, but Steve swore he saw the other close his eyes for a second in a gesture that seemed much like relief before the face of the professional doctor was back in place.“Very well. What were the results of your test?”Steve opened his mouth reflexively to answer, then closed it again. It was a normal question of a doctor to ask a new patient, yet it was more information this group gained about him. More information they could use to fabricate their story and confuse him.M’Benga must have picked up his hesitancy because he raised his hands pacifyingly, a move that had Steve grid his teeth. He wasn’t some spooked animal that needed calming, damn it!“If you feel uncomfortable, you don’t have to. I would suggest another examination of your head anyway to see if there is any indication for your amnesia and if there’s any medical reason for your headache. You can keep the extent of your amnesia to yourself if you feel better about it, but considering you are a doctor, I would have liked to let you have a look at the results yourself. I was just curious whether this would be of any use to you or if your medical expertise was effected by your memory loss as well.”The suggestion threw Steve completely. Why would they let him see the results? He hadn’t even seen the results of the first examination conducted by Tyrell. Due to the stress of the situation she must have forgotten to show them to him. Admittedly, Steve himself had been too overwhelmed by everything to ask for them. But now that the doctor mentioned it, he would actually love to see for himself what was wrong in his head.“Why- why do you offer that? What do you gain from it? What’s your angle here?!”Steve knew he sounded paranoid, but the other’s behavior was just- confusing. Why did they have to play mind games on him? Steve would have rather they tie him down and physically hurt him. It would have been much easier to resist than this show of normalcy and compassion.The other doctor flinched slightly at his words, yet his voice remained cool and professional.“There is no angle. It’s just a courtesy, from one doctor to another. I know that if I were in your shoes, I would like to see any tests done on me for myself.”He hesitated, then continued, “If it makes you feel any better you can check the equipment before we use it.”To be entirely honest, that would be tremendously reassuring, to check that these people weren’t playing any other tricks on him. But there was something else that had just come to his attention.“How do you know that I’m a doctor? I didn’t tell you or the two clowns that took me.”M’Benga coughed at that and didn’t fully manage to cover the smile that wanted to spread across his face.“One of your companions- Lieutenant Commander Wildner I believe? He told us.”Feeling his heart rate spiking in his chest at the mention of the other’s name, Steve was about to ask for his whereabouts but M’Benga beat him to it. “Commander Centric, Lieutenant Commander Simril, Lieutenant Commander Wildner and Doctor Tyrell are in custody. They are all unharmed and that is about the extent of my knowledge and what I’m allowed to tell you. My priority”, looking Steve straight in the eyes “is your wellbeing. Once I have conducted the examination and deducted that you’re in good health, someone will come and will be able to answer all the questions I’m sure you have.”He pointed towards the bio-bed.“But for now, let’s focus on you.”Balling his hands into fists but knowing that it wouldn’t do him any good to reject the medical help he actually needed, Steve slowly shuffled back to the bed, gritting his teeth against the pain in his head. Leaning back against the soft mattress, which the other doctor had kindly raised so that he was in only a slightly reclined position, was relieving and Steve sighed softly. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Doctor M’Benga busy himself with setting up the scanner for the examination.After a couple of minutes in uncomfortable silence, M’Benga offered him the instrument.“As I said, you may have a look at it before we start.”Taking it from the other’s hands, Steve quickly went through all the settings the doctor had entered. Once again, his amnesia surprised him. He couldn’t remember when or where he had learned to read a scanner, but he knew how to do it without a problem. Steve took his time, checked the damn thing three times over but in the end, he had to admit that there was nothing wrong with it. The doctor had set all the correct settings and as far as Steve could tell, the scanner hadn’t been tinkered with.Begrudgingly, he handed it back, then leaned against the bed, letting M’Benga do his work. The whirring sound of the instrument was almost soothing as the other man mover it around his head and Steve closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing and the steady drum of the pain his skull.The minutes passed yet again without a word spoken between them, Steve not willing to give anything away and M’Benga apparently content to let him remain silent. It didn’t take long to finish the exam and once the doctor appeared happy with the readings he had gotten, he projected them as a three-dimensional model so that they could both simultaneously look at it.Steve choked on a breath, feeling like all air had suddenly been punched out of him. Tyrell’s words from just a few days ago rang in his ears: No physical damage visible. Everything repaired during the surgery.Next to him he saw Doctor M’Benga stiffen as well, the professional mask slipping to reveal the shock about the image before them, but Steve couldn’t pay him any attention, busy as he was trying to comprehend what he saw.How could Tyrell have claimed there was no physical damage? Even to the untrained eye it was plainly obvious that something was clearly wrong. As detailed as the scans were, the loose and apparently torn synapses between the neural cells weren’t difficult to detect.Steve took in another shaky breath. That certainly explained the recurring severe headaches he had suffered from during the last week. As far as he was aware of, the only medical area in which a similar practice was common was in trauma therapy, where synapses or neural cells related to events responsible for a certain trauma were occasionally temporarily blocked as part of the treatment. But even then, they were never fully separated. The patient ideally should have the option to access them again as the therapy progressed. What he was seeing here – it was unheard of in medical circles. It would too deeply affect a person’s psyche, their personality, without any chance to reverse the process should the patient wish to reclaim those memories.Yet maybe it was more common than he thought, though Steve couldn’t conceive a reason as to why it would have been necessary to carry out such a procedure on him. Perhaps he had just forgotten the reason, just like he forgot everything else concerned with the life he had led?“Is – is this common? To completely …. separate the synapses? Erase memories entirely? Is it - Did medical ethics change, is this accepted?”Steve was aware that the other doctor could easily lie to him but based on the shock on M’Benga’s face he truly believed him when he murmured, “No. No, this is not common at all.”Distantly, a small part of his brain whispered that the damage might as well have been done by the doctor himself, but Steve knew that this wasn’t a real possibility. Apart from the fact that some of the cells already showed signs of mending, indicating that the damage to his brain must have been done considerably earlier, it certainly explained his extensive amnesia. The way the scan highlighted all the separated neural connections, it was a miracle that he still remembered his medical education.Why had Tyrell kept this from him? It must have shown on her scans as well, there was no way she could have missed something this glaringly obvious.“Did the previous scans on your head show the same results?”M’Benga’s calm voice pierced the foggy numbness starting to spread through him and Steve tore his eyes from the image of his brutalized mind, feeling more and more dazed by the minute.“I- I don’t know, I didn’t see – a colleague, Doctor Tyrell? She conducted the first scan. Said there was no physical damage visible to explain my amnesia…”, he drifted off.She had lied. That was quite obvious, no reason to sugarcoat it. But why? Why would she withhold this from him?Steve felt chills run through him as one answer tried to force itself to the front of his mind, but he pushed it down. He focused on M’Benga again, who still seemed to struggle to get his face professionally neutral again. If Steve had to name it, he would say that the other locked stricken. “In your expertise: when was this done?” He was quite certain of his earlier estimation, but Steve wanted another confirmation.“It’s difficult to give a precise date, but I would say a bit over a week ago based on the degree the cells started mending already. I take it you’ve had headaches repeatedly during the last week?”Steve only nodded. “Quite understandable considering the damage to your mind.”The doctor’s eyes softened, showing more understanding and pain than Steve would have expected from a stranger towards his situation. Pressing his lips together in a thin line, his gaze drifted down to the white bedding. Nothing exciting there to distract him from the panic persistently rising with every second.“I know you didn’t want to answer before, but I need to ask you again: have you noticed any regularity to your amnesia? Considering these scans, it would certainly help to determine whether this was done as a random experiment or if there was some – reason to it. Some method.”
Done as a random experiment. Some method.
Breathing became painful as M’Benga voiced what Steve had already known.That such extensive damage, and especially the manner the neural connections were severed, couldn’t have been the result of a natural occurrence. Like an accident, a hit to the head. Meaning that it must have been done on purpose.
A regularity to your amnesia.
Wasn’t it convenient to have an amnesiac doctor at hand who could still miraculously perform medical research? Who could still, say, create a serum to raise the dead but wasn’t able to question your agenda because he had forgotten everything about the world that wasn’t related to medicine? Who wasn’t a human being with a personality anymore but just a simple puppet, ready to play doctor at your bidding?Distantly Steve became aware of the shallowness of his breathing, the way his hands clutched at the bedding as if to find something, anything to ground him in the face of the complete nothingness that his life had become once again.Sick. He had been ready to commit an unspeakable ethical violation at the order of apparently the same person who was responsible for his predicament to begin with, someone who had first destroyed and then manipulated him, and he was going to be physically ill.Pressing a hand to his mouth, Steve tried to stumble out of the bed to the bin in the corner, but a cool hand pressed him back against the mattress, then placed a tray in in front of him. Just in time, the acid bile rushing up his gullet leaving a burning feeling in its wake as Steve threw up in the container.Chills racked his frame as he kept retching and retching, ice cold fear turning his innards inside out until it finally receded to dry heaving. Sweat clung to his forehead, his entire body suddenly sticky with it as shivers uncontrollably ran through his entire body. Closing his eyes for a moment and concentrating on his breathing to get his stomach to settle down, Steve flinched when he felt something cool and wet touching his forehead.Looking to the side, his gaze caught M’Benga’s. The doctor had seemingly procured a washcloth out of thin air and had placed it on Steve’s head. If he weren’t so busy freaking out, Steve would appreciate the gesture more.“Feeling better?”Snorting, Steve turned his head fully to look at the other doctor.“Not really.”How could you explain to a stranger how it felt to have your entire life erased and then have the bits and pieces you were told, and you believed to be true, to be torn from you again? He had trusted Tyrell and the others. Had trusted and even liked Wildner in particular, had come to consider him as close to a friend as possible in the short amount of time they had spent together.Apparently, the feeling wasn’t reciprocated.He had trusted the first people he had been with and they betrayed him. Steve knew nothing about the world. How was he supposed to know who to believe? Tyrell and the others had claimed that the people who had attacked the research station were working with the Klingons. Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t. Maybe there hadn’t even been a Klingon attack.Steve didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. And this time, the loss felt even more devastating. Feeling his eyes starting to burn and wetness gathering at his lashes, Steve turned his head to look straight at the ceiling.The doctor had asked him a question, he thought dazedly. M’Benga had been nothing but courteous to him. Least he could do was answer.“My medical knowledge seems to be mostly intact. Doctor Tyrell – she asked me to create a specific serum and although I couldn’t fabricate it, my medical expertise seemed to be as extensive as before. At least according to her.”Steve swallowed, his throat tightening painfully against the lump forming in it. A tear slid down the side of his face and he wiped it away angrily.“I – I don’t remember anything about my life before I came to the research station. The first thing I remember is waking up there in a bio-bed one week ago. Before that there is – nothing.”Blinking rapidly against the ever-increasing burn and wetness in his eyes, Steve turned his head towards the window.It was such a beautiful day. At night he had longed for the sun, to leave the station if only for a minute or so to get some fresh air. Now it felt like a taunt. Maybe they would let him leave the room, would let him go outside but Steve knew less than before about the world, about the person he had been before than he did a week ago, locked away in a windowless lab.Maybe Steve wasn’t even his name.He pressed his eyes together and wished for a moment to be back. At least there had been some security there, however wrong it had turned out to be. Distantly, he heard M’Benga talk to him, but the fog that had begun to cloud his mind when he had first seen the image of his destroyed brain grew stronger by the second, blanketing his mind in blessed numbness, muting the pain, the fear, the grief, the fury that begged to be recognized at this new revelation, and Steve welcomed it. He felt his lips moving, saying something to the doctor; maybe telling him to go away, maybe cursing him. Steve didn’t really care.Then he turned to his side, never taking his gaze from the sunshine outside the window.Maybe even that wasn’t real. Maybe it was an illusion, a lie just like everything else had been, but at the very least it was comforting.Breathing in and out, Steve thought only of the sun.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Just promise, you won't let me go
Say you'll catch me when I fall
Wrap your wings around my body
When I'm lost in the storm
Hurts, “Wings” Jim stared at the glass, looking through at the woman behind, red hair framing her face in gentle curves falling over her shoulders, expression a cool, unreadable mask. Doctor Tyrell had been in interrogation since yesterday and so far, she had said nothing. When they had read her the Miranda rights, she had snorted and declined the right to have a lawyer present before she had fallen in complete silence. Neither Admiral Henry nor Spock had been able to get her to speak since.Her confession wasn’t entirely necessary for the case. Not only was the evidence overwhelmingly strong, but Centrich and Simril were talking quite freely, defending their actions and portraying themselves as heroes of the federation, claiming that Starfleet would call for them once the Klingons or others inevitably attacked. Wildner on the other hand had locked down as well once he had given his statement.So no, regarding the indictment of prison break, conspiracy against the federation and its citizens, intended terrorism as well as the kidnapping and torture of an active member of Starfleet, Tyrell’s statement wasn’t needed. But she was the only one who could tell them what exactly she had done to destroy Bones’ mind so completely.Jim had talked to Doctor M’Benga after the doctor had examined Bones, pacing in front of his friend’s hospital room until the other man had finally emerged, and hadn’t that gone just splendidly. According to M’Benga, the brain scans were a complete mess. His precise words had been, “In all my years as a doctor, I’ve never seen such a focused intentional damage to the brain.” The news hadn’t really gotten any better after that. While Bones still seemed to have retained most of his medical knowledge, by his own words all his memories about himself and his past were completely gone. Erased.The story Tyrell and the others had told him still hadn’t been completely clear at that point – the bits and pieces Bones had mentioned when Jim and Spock had found him didn’t give the full picture and Centrich’s and Simril’s interrogation had still been going on at that stage – but whatever it had been, Bones must have realized it as the lie it was. Jim still felt the sharp pain in his chest when M’Benga had told him about his friend’s reaction once he had seen his brain scans and coming to the inevitable conclusion who must have been responsible for it. After that, Bones had apparently shut down. Just turned towards the window and ignored every other question the doctor had asked.Unsurprisingly, M’Benga had denied Jim’s request to see his friend.“Not only is he completely overwhelmed by everything and probably mourning the loss of his memories for a second time, but you are the one who brought him in. We don’t know exactly what he was told and what exactly is going through his head at the moment, so for now I would like to reduce any additional stress, if possible. It must be difficult enough for him already.”So, Jim had backed off. Reluctantly, feeling as if he was failing his friend once again, and cursing Tyrell and the others excessively, but he had backed off.Only to take up new residence in front of the interrogation rooms. Admiral Cartwright wouldn’t let him be part of the questioning, but he wasn’t barred from watching them from the other side of the see-through mirrors. Which was why he was observing Tyrell now, willing her with his stare alone to crack down and tell them what she had done already. Spock and Henry had left the room to give her, and themselves, a short break and it was eerily quiet in both rooms. For the last few minutes, Tyrell’s gaze had wandered between the table in front of her and the walls, but now her eyes were trained on the mirror behind which Jim was standing, head slightly cocked as if she tried to figure out if someone was actually standing behind it.Then she smiled and Jim’s heart skipped a beat. The doctor hadn’t shown any reaction whatsoever in the last thirty hours or so and all of a sudden, she felt inclined to smile? It couldn’t be directed at him, she couldn’t know that he was here.“I know you’re there, Captain Kirk.”Apparently, she could.“Why don’t you come in for a little chat? I’m sure you must have a lot of questions; maybe want to throw a few insults at me.”Her smile grew bigger, showing white teeth.“Don’t you want to hear his last words before I took his final memory?”She was baiting him. On a rational level, Jim was completely aware of that, knew that it was the final rebellion of a trapped animal, trying to go down fighting.It didn’t stop the red haze that momentarily blinded his vision, didn’t stop the fury rushing through his body, making his entire body shake with violent energy.His last words. How dare she? How dare she talk to him as if Bones was gone. As if there was no way to get him back, as if he had died.There had to be a way.One second Jim was standing behind the mirror, the next he was in the same room with Tyrell. If someone other than Spock found him in here, he was so screwed, but Jim didn’t really care at the moment. Looking at the woman in front of him, all he cared about was finally getting answers. Finally learning what had been done to Bones and then passing it on to the doctors so they could fix him.Jim needed this to be fixable.Tyrell was still smiling that infuriating smile.“I knew you would be there. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person, Captain Kirk. Your reputation precedes you.”There was the wish to lash out against her. To hurt her for what she had done to his friend. But funny enough, it also cooled his temper, her taunting words all of a sudden soothing the anger raging inside him.She had lost. Tyrell had lost and she knew it. This was her trying to take him down, to gain one final victory before she was locked away. To get the answers he needed, Jim had to play her game, but he wouldn’t let her win. She might tease and taunt all she wanted, but Jim wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of a violent reaction.Taking a deep breath, Jim took on the persona of captain. This was a Starfleet matter. Private feelings had to be dealt with later. At this point, he had rather good practice at repressing his emotions.“Doctor Tyrell. I have to say, before this entire debacle your name had never been brought to my attention.”Jim saw the doctor’s smile tighten at his words and he smirked internally. Oh yes, two could play this game.“So far you refused any statement. Why would you confess to me?”Moving further into the room, Jim walked towards the table, sat down opposite Tyrell, hands placed in front of him, one over the other.The smile dropped slowly from the doctor’s face. Clearly, she had expected him to react in a different manner. Hands still bound together by magnetic handcuffs she shook her head to move her hair behind her shoulders.“I know where I’m going. These fools have ruined Starfleet, have convinced themselves that there can be any kind of truce with the Klingons and the like of them, and they are going to destroy the Federation in their aspiration for peace.”She huffed.“Suppose I should be grateful I won’t be part of it anymore.”Her gaze became intense, green eyes boring into his, as if she wanted to make sure Jim understood.“But you know, I don’t regret anything. When Admiral Marcus first told me about the purpose of Section 31, all these years ago, I knew I would find kindred people there. In a world so blinded by its prosperity and seeming unity, it was so hard to find people who understood the threat to our way of living. Who understood that the high moral path wasn’t always the best one for the good of the many and who knew sacrifice was necessary to keep us strong. Working for Section 31 gave my life true purpose, true meaning. It gave me a home, if you want to be sentimental about it. And in my foolishness, I believed that when the time came, when the talents and genius of our shared work was needed, Starfleet, the Federation would be grateful and finally see things for what they were.”Tyrell laughed, a harsh sound devoid of any humor.“Guess I was still too naïve. In the end, we were depicted as the dangerous ones, while it should have been the Klingons, and it should have been you who’s declared as the true enemy of the people. This idealism to see the good in people, to believe in a moral codex when dealing with beasts will be the Federation’s downfall, and this time there will be no one to prevent it.”Her bound hands, lying in front of her on the table, balled into fists and Jim could see the fury blaze behind her eyes, betraying her otherwise cool expression.“Starfleet destroyed everything I had ever worked for, my entire lifework when they closed down Section 31. When you opposed Marcus, when you refused to turn over a goddamn criminal and then made it look as if you were once again the Federation’s golden boy, Earth’s savior… It might have been Cartwright who was ultimately responsible, together with all the other admirals who supported his decision, but you were the catalyst, Kirk. Your actions took everything from me.”Taking a deep breath, Tyrell leaned back in her seat, hands moving from the table to her lap. The smile was back on her face.“That’s why I’m going to tell you everything you want to know about what I did to your friend. I know the game is over, I lost, and with me the entire Federation, even if they haven’t realized it yet. Because I promise you the day will come when you would need us and there will be no one to save you from yourselves. But what I can still do is make you pay by telling you how I destroyed McCoy’s mind bit by bit, took away every memory until there was nothing left but an empty shell, just like I needed him to be. I can still do that. And I know you’re going to ask because you need to know that it’s not forever. That you didn’t come too late.”By now, the malice in her eyes was shining brightly.“So, ask away, Captain. I’m all yours.”For a moment, it was completely silent in the small room as Jim paid careful attention to not move a single muscle on his face. To only show Tyrell the neutral expression he wanted her to see, for showing her even a glimpse of the tornado currently overwhelming him on the inside would give her more than Jim intended to concede to her. And it truly was a tornado, a tsunami of emotions clashing over him again and again, threatening to tear him apart and drown him in a mixture of guilt, anger and fear.Later. There was time for that later. For now, he needed to learn as much as possible. Cartwright would probably lecture him about disobeying clear orders, but the entire conversation would be recorded automatically by the surveillance cameras installed in every interrogation room. There would be proof that this was their only opportunity to get Tyrell to talk, so Jim didn’t worry about the admiral.Not that it would have stopped him if there were potentially more serious consequences. Tyrell was right in one thing: Jim needed answers.“What was your intention when you kidnapped Doctor McCoy? What did you need him for?”Tyrell grimaced.“I’m sure you know the reason from the others already, but very well. As you of all people are most certainly aware, Doctor McCoy used Khan’s blood to create a serum to resurrect you. Our demands were simple: Tell us how you did it and you can go. It’s truly not my fault the good doctor remained as stubborn as he had been during his trials with the admirals and refused to cooperate.”That annoying grin was back on her face. Jim on the other hand felt sick at the confirmation that this was all his fault after all, though not in the sense Tyrell had been talking about. Bones had risked his career to bring Jim back from death. And as a reward, he might have lost even more than that.“Doctor McCoy was cleared from all accusations of this sort by the admirals and the medical board. Your reasoning was based on nothing more than rumor.”Jim felt a weak sense of pride that he had managed to say the words that would keep his crew out of trouble for basically going against all regulations without betraying anything in his voice.Tyrell snorted.“Of course, if you say so.”She leaned forward, dropping her voice in fake conspiracy.“But you and I know the truth, don’t we, Captain?”Jim just looked at her.“What would you have wanted to do with such a serum? Admiral Marcus had been dead for more than a month at this point, and his head had been pushed in. You wouldn’t have been able to resurrect him anyway, even if your assumption about such a miracle cure were correct.”Anger flew over Tyrell’s face for moment, yet it didn’t fully cover the grief at the mention of the admiral’s name. If she hadn’t hurt the person most important to Jim, he would have felt sorry for her; after all, he knew how it felt to lose a mentor and friend. This way, however, he only felt shallow satisfaction that he had been able to rattle her.“It wasn’t about Marcus; it was for the future of Section 31 and thus the Federation. With the basic formula for such a serum, I’m sure I would have been able to modify it. Cure not only death by illnesses like your radiation poisoning, but by fatal wounds as well. Why shouldn’t that be possible? And then, even further, adapt the serum to slow the process of aging. Giving us more time to carry out our plans without the threat of only having a single lifetime to achieve them.”Jim could only gape at her, professional appearance be damned.“So, what you’re saying is that you would have used Khan, and his crew, as your personal blood bank and turn yourself into your own version of augments?”He felt sick at the thought. Despite everything Khan had done and however much Jim hated him, no one deserved this. To be used as an unwilling blood donor while being unconscious, unable to defend yourself, to be used to give other people life while your own was slowly drained from you.It was unimaginable.Tyrell snorted.“Well, they are criminals, a lethal threat to the Federation. They wouldn’t treat us any differently. This way they would at least contribute to final peace.”Her eyes blazed, face twisting into an annoyed grimaced.“And don’t you lecture me about turning into an augment! You already have Khan’s blood running through your veins, so you shouldn’t be talking about turning into one of them. And even if you were right: we would be nothing like them! Khan and his people wanted to enslave the Federation to their will. We would lead it into final peace, defend it against its enemies!”She’s was leaning forward in her seat by now, her entire body thrumming with the energy she seemed to feel at those words, at the idea.Then she sacked back against the chair.“Not that any of this is going to happen now. Once again, Starfleet shot itself in the foot.”It sounded crazy, and yet Jim knew without a doubt that Tyrell believed in what she said. That their plan of using the serum to artificially extend their life was entirely justified by their imagined upcoming war against the Klingons. That they would be different to Khan once they had left human limitation behind.Bones had been right to withhold the information from them.The realization tore through him, stopping his heartbeat for a second. Faced with such objectives, his friend, who underneath all his grumpy attitude was a softie and pacifist at heart, truly didn’t have a choice. Hell, even more, in his capacity as CMO of the Enterprise, an active member of Starfleet, there hadn’t been any other option. It was either sacrifice himself or potentially the future of the Federation.Jim wasn’t surprised to find out that he wasn’t the only one willing to give his life for others, even if it wasn’t literally in Bones’ case. He just wasn’t prepared for the pain those left behind had to face.He cleared his throat, swallowing down the spikes of hurt in his throat.“You implied before that Doctor McCoy refused to comply with your wishes to create any such serum. Is this correct?”Stick to protocol. He had to stick to the protocol, confirm any minor details so that Tyrell could be pinned down in court.“Yes. When I gave him a final chance to tell me how to create the serum, he only started to quote his rank.”“And how did you react?”Tyrell smirked.“I told him maybe we could start by erasing some of these facts first.”Icy chills ran down his back, his arms, and Jim found it once again difficult to breathe. They were getting to the main reason why he was enduring this conversation.“And how exactly did you destroy his memories?”“Have you seen his brain scans?”Jim just raised an eyebrow at her, and Tyrell snorted.“Oh, come now, of course the doctors would do a brain scan. Should show you in detail what exactly I did.”Tyrell leaned forward a bit, voice dropping lower.“Took me years to perfect the procedure. First, you have to prepare the patient’s mind. I created a special drug cocktail which would affect the Hippocampus and, to some extent, the Amygdala, weakening the synapses between the neurons through overreaction by evoking countless memories. It needs to be administered roughly six times every four hours.”She sighed theatrically, throwing her head back to get some hair strands out of her face.“You wouldn’t believe how long it took me to find the right balance of not too much and not too little. Too few dosages and you only erase the memory partially, too many and you end up with a gibbering mess.”Tyrell’s green eyes flashed with fake benevolence.“But don’t you worry. I’ve had enough practice to use exactly the amount needed to deal with your doctor.”Clawing his fingers into his thighs to keep himself from reacting, Jim needed a moment to steady his breathing.In. Out. This was just a simple interrogation. A simple questioning to get the details of a crime. Nothing else.“And after the drug cocktail?”Jim was proud that his voice only cracked a little bit.“After the brain is sufficiently weakened, I ask specific questions that would stimulate the relevant brain areas where the memory is located. Again, took me years to practice how to formulate them so as to activate only the specific memory I want to erase. Requires sufficient research into a person’s past; not that this was any problem with McCoy, what with him being a public figure and Starfleet conveniently storing all his personal data in one place, ready for a skilled hacker. While that part of the brain is active, I send a small electric jolt to severe the synapses between the neuron cells.”“And how did you…?”Tyrell smiled sweetly.“By inserting a fine needle into my patient’s skull, thin and flexible enough to maneuver accordingly. Of course, sometimes I need to relocate to have access to another brain area.”Her smile turned sharp.“I have to say, the dear doctor took longer than my previous patients until he screamed.”
Until he screamed.
There was a rushing noise in his ears, his heartbeat pounding loudly, almost drowning out Tyrell’s condescending sneer. Jim felt his body shake under the force of the fury, the anguish for his friend as he pressed his lips tightly together, forcing himself to swallow the words he wanted to spit at the woman in front of him.
Breathe in, out. Dammit Kirk, keep it together. Don’t give her the satisfaction!
“Anything else?”Jim didn’t recognize the voice coming out of his mouth, the blandness in it. Didn’t remember actually giving his body the order to say anything.Tyrell was watching him closely now, her eyes narrowed while the corners of her mouth puckered up in displeasure. Jim felt nothing at her apparent disappointment.“That’s it. It took me roughly a day to erase McCoy’s memories; we had to take regular breaks to avoid his heart giving out under the strain. Happened to the first three or four of my test subjects.”Fuck. Every single cell seemed to hurt by now, his body feeling like it was flowing apart like a river after a damn break, the fundaments holding him together being washed away by the strength of his pain. Clawing his fingers even firmer into his thighs, Jim desperately tried to cling to the distant discomfort to distract himself from the chaos within. “Is it reversible?”His voice had gone soft, the strength to speak louder leaving him just like the rest of his energy, drowned by the battle of emotions inside.“Wouldn’t you want to know?”Tyrell leaned forward in her chair, moving as close to Jim as possible.“To tell you the truth, I don’t know. My latest test subject died in the London attacks and at that point he had been without his memories for two weeks, no sign of them returning. Doctor McCoy will be the first long-term test subject, although I personally doubt that it can be reversed. I designed my method to be permanent, you know. And I’m usually quite successful with my creations.”She cocked her head slightly.“But would you mind reporting back should there be any changes? I would really love to see what becomes of Steve.”Tyrell drew out the vowel, her mouth playing with the name.“After all, you could say I’m his Maker. Steve’s that is. Your CMO, your friend Leonard McCoy is gone. There is only Steve left, and all he knows about this world he learned from me and the others. In a sense, we were his entire world. And now he’s out of his cage and released into the wild. A puppet without its master. What do you say, Captain Kirk? Do you think he’ll be able to cope?”Jim felt something snap inside of him and within the blink of an eye he was on his feet, standing up so abruptly that the chair flew back against the wall behind him. His hands were balled into fists, shaking at his body’s side at the blaze of fury consuming him.All Tyrell did was to smile at him, sunnily, as if they were having a lovely chat in the park.“There is always a tipping point. A moment when I have already taken a good part of a person’s past, but there are still enough pieces left for them to realize what’s happening. And then, after only one more memory being taken away, they turn into a blank slate. Doesn’t matter that there are still some parts left I need to erase before they truly become one. At some point, I assume the brain just gives up.”She kept looking at him, the green of her eyes boring into his. “Do you want to know, Captain Kirk? Do you want to hear McCoy’s last words before he disappeared into the void, before I took that one memory?”Jim didn’t. He really, really didn’t want to hear, felt the walls coming closer, suffocating him as the air suddenly felt hot and thin.“It wasn’t much. A bit disappointing, maybe, although I’ve had worse from others. One begged for his mother. Pathetic. McCoy only said, ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.’ And then, your name. Jim.”Tyrell laughed, a shrill sound in the otherwise quiet room.“Yours was the last name he said. And then he was gone. Next time he was able to speak again, he knew nothing. A perfect puppet named Steve.”Jim launched forward, hands reaching for her, ready to punch her, hurt her, make her suffer for what she had done, for how could she? She had taken Bones, had hurt him and taken him from Jim, and it was just too much, he couldn’t accept that his friend was gone, truly gone, it couldn’t be true, she had to be lying, …Strong hands grabbed him by the shoulders, pulled him back from Tyrell who was still laughing, almost manically by now, and instinctively Jim turned around, ready to swing his fist at the person holding him back.Only to be met with the calm dark eyes of his first officer, regarding him stoically as he blocked Jim’s fist, then grabbed his arm and started to maneuver him out of the room. Distantly, Jim was aware of Admiral Henry, standing next to Tyrell, talking to her, the doctor laughing still and glancing around the other man to apparently get a final glimpse of Jim. There were two security officers standing in the door, which certainly hadn’t been there when Jim had entered, and now that he thought about it, wasn’t that strange? To leave a suspect already known for breaking out of prison once without any surveillance apart from the cameras?And wasn’t it convenient that Spock and Henry had come back just in the right moment to stop Jim from truly harming the doctor?They were out in the corridor by now and Spock still dragged him along to some unknown location. By now, Jim saw black spots dancing in front of his eyes, mixing with the red that had darkened his vision in fury, but he still managed to rasp, “You planned this. Me, talking to her. You set her up.”He swallowed, tried to catch his breath.“Without telling me.”Spock didn’t ease his firm grip on Jim’s arm, but he slowed his pace a bit.“I did. The admiral and I had arrived at a standstill in the interrogation and I had hoped that maybe speaking to you would prompt the doctor to open up. She had shown some reaction when your name was mentioned, and Admiral Henry agreed with me to attempt a different approach.”Through the dancing spots, Jim saw Spock glancing at him.“I apologize not informing you before, Captain. We had feared that by doing so, your reactions would not be as natural, and the doctor might not be as forthcoming.”Jim nodded, to dazed to really care about being kept in the dark. He had wanted to speak to Tyrell anyway, and right now he didn’t mind that it had been instigated by his first officer. His head was swimming, his lungs somehow incapable to perform the one job they had, namely breathe, and at some point somebody must have turned his blood into razor-sharp shrapnel pieces; it was the only explanation why his entire body hurt with every step Spock forced him to take.“Bones.”It was nothing more than a rasping sound, tearing itself from Jim’s throat because he needed Spock to reassure him. To point out all the illogical claims Tyrell had made, all the mistakes that she might have made during the procedure that would result in its eventual failure because she couldn’t possibly be right. Bones couldn’t be gone. Jim couldn’t have possibly lost the one person he cared about the most, couldn’t imagine being without, not now. Not after he had finally, fully realized what his friend meant to him.Jim couldn’t have lost him like that.Distantly he was aware that he was wheezing and that they had finally stopped walking, although he hadn’t got a clue where exactly in headquarters they were right now, then Spock’s face suddenly filled his narrowing view.“Captain. Jim.”Jim looked at the Vulcan, the dark spots from before taking up more and more of his vision, the iron fist tightening its grip around his lungs firmer, suffocating him.“Jim. It is essential that you calm yourself. Your brain demands oxygen and that requires you to breathe. Breathe, Jim.”It sounded so easy when Spock said it, just breathe, but the simple task seemed impossible to carry out when the only thought dominating his mind was Bones.Vaguely, he felt warm fingers encircle his wrist and then suddenly, the raging emotions slowed. Like a cooling stream, he felt a calmness spread through him, soothing his panic, his fear and grief, releasing their grip on him as Jim felt every single cell in his body relax.As if breaking through the surface of stormy waters, Jim took a deep breath, gasping as his lungs finally seemed to have decided to work properly again and make up for the lost time. Gulping in air, Jim leant back against the wall behind him, body feeling shaky after the panic attack.For a moment, he simply allowed himself to calm down, to feel his heartbeat settle and his thoughts slow down, eyes closed. Then he looked at Spock, whose slender fingers were still wrapped around his wrist.“You are melding with me?”Spock cocked his head.“Not as such. I am merely transferring my thoughts of calmness onto you to help you reach your mental equilibrium again.”Jim breathed a faint laugh.“Mental equilibrium. Right.”Taking a final deep breath, Jim detached his wrist from Spock’s hand. The agitation of his own mind clashed over him for a moment, like a fiery flame, before he managed to calm himself and put his frenzied worry into a box, storing it away. Equilibrium after all.Spock was still regarding him as if he expected Jim to faint any minute, and to distract himself from the stare, Jim gave a quick look around to see where they had ended up.Apparently, it was simply an empty office, desk and workstation all being abandoned at that time; it was already after nine in the evening and reasonable people didn’t stay that long at headquarter if there wasn’t an immediate emergency. Turning back to the Vulcan, Jim asked the question he dreaded the most.“Do you think she’s right? About… Bones. Do you think what she did to him could truly be permanent?”The question sounded childlike to his own ears and Jim hated how pathetic he sounded, but he couldn’t help himself. He just needed someone to reassure him.Spock’s prolonged silence certainly didn’t help in that regard.“It is – difficult to say at this point, Captain. The doctor appeared very certain of her procedure, yet she herself admitted that there had been no long-term testing yet. There will have to be further research into it and I’m certain once neurological experts had a look at Doctor McCoy’s brain scans, we will receive a more precise prognosis. It is simply too early to say anything for certain at this stage.”“But what if she is right? What if his memories will never return?”For moment, the Vulcan simply looked at Jim, face as calm as ever except for his eyes. Spock’s eyes gave away the worry he felt at the same thought.“Then we will do what we have always done, Jim. We will find hope in the impossible.”Jim couldn’t help smiling at that.“Look at you, Mr. Optimist. We certainly have some experience with seemingly impossible situations.”“That we have, Captain.”For a moment, they were silent, both lost in their thoughts.“I can’t lose him, Spock. Not like this. To see his face and only have a stranger look back, remembering nothing of our friendship. It is…”, searching for the right word, Jim looked up at the ceiling, ignoring the burn that started to build behind his eyes.“It would be like a constant reminder that he’s not the same anymore, that he’s gone. And right now, that just feels – like my body can’t take in enough air, as if there is a hole in my chest sucking out all energy, constantly hurting like a big painful bruise…”His laugh sounded watery to his own ears.“God, I don’t know what’s wrong, I’m getting all sentimental and fed up about something that can’t be changed.”Rubbing his hands over his face, Jim took another breath, trying to steady himself, trying to reign in his emotions because there was no reason to share them, certainly not with Spock. Illogical, that’s what it was.“I understand, Captain. Although I would not share my emotions as you did, I am certain I would feel the same if it were Nyota who had been harmed in such a manner. I believe this to be a natural reaction to someone you love being hurt, even though as a Vulcan I would not find it necessary to express these emotions.”Oh. Maybe his first officer was the right person to speak to after all. Who would have thought that he would have an emotional heart to heart with a Vulcan one day. Or what passed as emotional for Spock.Then the words fully registered.“I never said anything about love.”The only person he had talked to about his potential feelings for his friend was Sulu, and back then he himself hadn’t fully recognized them as such yet.Spock inclined his head.“Indeed, you did not. However, over the years and my prolonged contact with humans I have come to the realization that it is not just what someone says that needs to be taken into consideration to fully understand a relationship, but also their actions – a most peculiar characteristic of humans that leaves overmuch room for misunderstandings. Your behavior since Doctor McCoy’s disappearance, and especially during the last two days, seems to correlate more with the reactions of a lover rather than a friend.”His first officer raised an eyebrow.“Am I wrong in my conclusion?”Being seen through by a Vulcan of all people concerning emotions and relationships really was a little bit embarrassing.“I – no, I suppose you’re right.”Jim sighed.“I don’t really know. Before all of this I would have laughed even at the suggestion because I truly saw Bones as just my best friend, nothing else. And now – I can’t even pinpoint what exactly changed. It’s just – my entire perspective on our friendship, on my feelings for him did like a one-eighty and suddenly everything is different. The last couple of days I’ve only been able to think about him, about him being back, needing him to be save, needing him with me.”Jim stopped, blushing. He didn’t need to tell Spock the other things he had thought about since his talk with Sulu and the following epiphany. How right the thought of holding, of touching Bones suddenly felt, like finding a missing piece of himself. Of holding his hand, caressing his face and the light freckles on his nose which were barely noticeable except if it was just the right light. Of how curious he was whether his friend’s lips truly felt as soft as they looked.And now he might never find out whether Bones wanted the same.The thought made his chest contract in pain, piercing his heart and threatening to suffocate him again, and Jim pressed his lips tightly together to keep his face from showing the grief he felt at the realization.“Why do you think he wasn’t able to recreate the serum? I mean, Bones managed to do it in three days when he did it the first time and from what I gathered from the other interrogations, they had provided him with exactly the same equipment. If Bones’ medical knowledge truly remained the same, then he should have been able to recreate it, or at least come very close, in the time he was missing.”Looking at his first officer, Jim saw the other furrow his brow.“A good question, Captain, one I have asked myself as well. I cannot answer that as I agree with you; Doctor McCoy should have been able to recreate the serum within these days based on the previous timeframe.”There was a brief hesitation before Spock continued.“It is too early to give a definite answer, and possibly there will never be one. However, thus far I have considered two possibilities. For one I believe that although Doctor Tyrell claimed that all personal memories were erased in the procedure, it is possible that some fragments may have remained attached to Doctor McCoy’s medical experience and that he therefore in his, as humans would name it, subconsciousness realized that he shouldn’t create such a serum. The doctor was possibly still trying to sabotage them, even if he was unaware of it.”The second pause was longer, and Jim felt his stomach tighten at the sudden feeling of dread that washed over him. “The second possibility might be more – personal. As you are aware, Doctor McCoy is a very emotional human, and although I would still argue that he would benefit from a more logical approach on occasion, I can and will not deny that his emotions are what make him an outstanding professional in his field. It is certainly what lead him to the discovery of the serum that eventually revived you as I had never before seen him as determined to find a cure. Based on what I know about Leonard’s character and my observations of his behavior during your – absence, I believe that it was ultimately the pain of your death that drove the doctor to ultimately create the serum. Therefore, with such an essential part of the process missing, Leonard was unable to create it a second time, at least in such a short timeframe. Certainly, his inner drive wasn’t as high as before.”“They told him that we were at war with the Klingons, that they had already killed millions, hell, they even claimed that one of the attacks killed his father. You said it yourself, Bones is emotional, and he cares for people. Don’t you think that would have been enough of an incentive?”The world was spinning and once again Jim felt he needed the wall for support as his mind instinctively shied away from what Spock was implying. This really wasn’t his stellar day.The area around Spock’s eyes had gone almost comically soft; comical because it was so unusual to see. Jim hated it.“Even faced with such horrors, it might not have the same power as when you lose somebody you love. And may have the chance to bring them back.”For the second time in a day, Jim found his blood suddenly pounding in his ears, rushing through him and leaving him alternately hot and cold while his stomach contracted, threatening to heave up its contents.“Fuck you, Spock.”The words tore out of his throat, for how dare Spock even suggest that. How could he hint that Bones might have, could have possibly felt the same as Jim when it seemed that now these feelings were gone forever. It could not have been, Bones could not have already felt like that even before all of this, the universe could not be so cruel.His body was shaking again from the emotions having once again enfolded him in their grip, his fingernails cutting into his handballs, the pain barely registering. Everything hurt, every breath, every cell, the world spinning around itself in circles.Through the darkness that was creeping in, Jim felt soft fingertips against his temple and then there was another presence in his head, cutting once again through the storm.
Jim. You have to calm yourself. If you continue like this, I will be forced to admit you to Starfleet Medical.
He should feel enraged at the violation, but oddly, having another presence in his mind helped to take a step back and focus, only for a moment. Through their link Jim could feel Spock’s emotions, the ones he wouldn’t let anyone see, except possibly Uhura. The anger at the prisoners. The worry for Jim. The fury and sadness about what had been done to his colleague and friend. The gratefulness for Uhura’s support and strength. All the events of the previous days, yet through the logical eyes of a Vulcan. Getting another perspective helped to sooth his reaction, calming his inner turmoil once more.
“I’m fine, Spock. You can let go now.”
Jim both thought and spoke the words, and after a second he felt Spock retreat from his mind.Blinking to get his eyes to focus again, Jim concentrated on the Vulcan in front of him who looked almost embarrassed.“I apologize for the intrusion, Captain. I would not have instigated such a meld had you not been entirely unreceptive to my words.”Jim stopped him with a wave of his hand.“It’s alright, Spock. It was justified and certainly helped.”“I am glad.”Still feeling shaky, Jim slid down the wall, resting his head against his knees. Distantly, he felt Spock sit down next to him.“May I make another observation?”Jim shrugged, not yet ready to look up.“You’ve already made plenty today. One more can’t hurt.”He heard Spock move slightly.“I appreciate that the situation must be difficult for you. During the brief meld, I tried to restrict my insight into your mind as much as possible, yet I could still feel your emotions and the pain they are causing you. I am sorry for transgressing like that.”Jim laughed faintly.“As I said, it is alright, Spock. You did what you thought was right to get me out of my head. Not your fault I’m currently a mess and can’t deal with my own shit.”There was a brief pause.“As I have said before, your reactions are entirely understandable given the current circumstances. I find myself to be deeply troubled by what happened to Leonard and will have to mediate on it to acquire my own equilibrium again.”At that, Jim had to smile slightly. However much the two argued, it was moments like this that he realized the friendship that had formed between Bones and Spock.“And if I may suggest, it would only be logical to confide in your friends and seek their advice to sooth your spirit. However, this is not the issue I wanted to address.”That finally made Jim raise his head, looking at Spock quizzically.“While our own emotions may be painful, we must not forget Leonard’s situation. He is without any knowledge of the world he lives in, betrayed by the very people he thought he could trust. His situation must be – desperate.”It was something Jim barely dared to think about. If he himself was already this freaked out about the entire situation, how must his friend feel, suddenly finding himself in a world with no clear reference to what was right and wrong, who to trust. Without even knowing who he was.It made his hatred towards Tyrell burn even brighter.“You’re right, Spock. As always. Well, almost always.”Spock raised an eyebrow yet refrained from commenting.“Doesn’t matter how screwed this entire clusterfuck may be, Bones is back with us. He might not know it, but at least he’s safe now. And however long it takes, we will help him regain his memories and assure him there are people who care about him, even”, taking a shuddering breath, Jim forced himself to swallow the painful lump in his throat, “even if his recollection of us never returns. We will just have to make new memories.”He was talking to himself as much as he was talking to Spock, trying to convince himself that this had to be their focus. If they were lucky, Tyrell’s procedure could be reversed, but they had to be prepared for the possibility that it was permanent. And if that was the case, Jim would do everything possible to help his friend set up a new life, whatever that may look like and however painful for himself it might be. Bones’ happiness came first.Spock regarded him solemnly.“I agree. And as I have said, we will find hope in the impossible. We must not give up hope, Jim.”Jim nodded, feeling shaky and determined at the same time.That’s what they had to cling to, after all.Hope.It was all they had left.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley, “Invictus: The Unconquerable” Apparently, having a mental breakdown guaranteed you twenty-four hours of peace before important looking people decided it was high time to start questioning everything you ever did in your life. Or, as it was in Steve’s case, during the last week. It amounted to the same thing, really. Not that the last twenty-four hours could be considered peaceful in any regard. After it had become clear that Steve wouldn’t answer any more questions, M’Benga had finally left, leaving Steve to pursue his new favorite hobby, namely window gazing, with full passion. After all, watching the sun pass in front of his eyes, the sky slowly changing its color from bright blue to orange to pink to dark violet and finally to almost black was such a fascinating thing to do, he really should do it more often. Maybe he had liked to do that in his previous life, when he had a job, friends, family, dreams and goals to contemplate while watching the night sky above his head. Admittedly, Steve doubted it; even now, the thought of the vastness of space, never being more obvious than during the darkest night, sent chills down his spine, making him grateful that at least, despite all the fucked-up-ness of the situation, he was on solid ground. But who knew. He couldn’t even remember his name, why should he claim to know what he would have liked in his non-existent past? It had been at some point during the night, between midnight and who-cares-but-definitely-too-late-to-be-still-awake, that his body had apparently decided to finally give him a break and let him fall asleep. He awoke sometime later, sitting upright in bed with a gasp, hands clutching the blanket which had become entangled with his legs. The sky outside the window was a pale blue, hinting at the freshness of the morning, the earth still at the beginning of a new cycle around the sun. The sun. There had been something in Steve’s dream about the sun. The more he became aware of the room around him, the more the ghostly images of his dream disappeared, chased away by wakefulness as was distinctive of them. Closing his eyes to hold onto them only a moment longer, Steve tried to force them to the forefront of his mind again. It hadn’t been a particularly nice dream. There were snatches of fire and chaos, of people screaming and everything falling apart into pieces, like fractured shards of a mirror disappearing into a dark nothing. The last part Steve didn’t need to analyze; it seemed as if the anxiety about the nothingness that was his life and past now followed him even into his dreams. The screams, though, the flames. Steve didn’t know where those came from. Maybe it was his brain trying to dress into images the story Tyrell had told him. The lies Tyrell and the others had told him. Instinctively, Steve shied away from the thought. He wasn’t ready yet to be reminded of that. There had been something else at the end, when he had felt the barrier between sleep and wakefulness becoming thinner and thinner, the dream not yet ready to release its grip on him, but reality slowly taking shape around him. A brief image of gold and blue. Like the sun high in the blue sky, although Steve could swear it was meant to represent a person. As quickly as it had appeared, the image was gone again, disappearing into the void like everything else, leaving him in complete darkness and finally able to tear himself out of the dream. Shakily, Steve rubbed a hand over his face, the weariness and anxiety of the previous day crashing over him again now that he was awake. As he waited for his heart to settle for something more resembling a normal rhythm, Steve bent his legs to rest his head on his knees, eyes almost automatically searching for the sky again. It really was a soothing sight. After some time, however, Steve realized that he wouldn’t be able to escape his thoughts as he had yesterday. The blessed numbness of the previous day wouldn’t come and the longer he remained still, the more agitated he suddenly felt. Sitting up straight, he pushed aside the blanket, grunting against the chilliness of the floor ere he found some soft slippers to bury his feet in, which he must have overlooked yesterday when he first left the bed. Getting up almost felt as much as an ordeal as yesterday, though thankfully not due to his head this time. Some kind soul must have given him a pain relief during the night, although it might just be that it had receded on its own. That’s how it had been at the research station at least. Steve pressed his lips together. Not a research station. A prison, a hideout for people with who knew what agenda. Not a research station. Forcing his body to move and ignoring the muscles protesting after a full day spent lying in bed, he moved over to the small bathroom. A hot, old-fashioned water shower would help. It was something innocent and normal, not to mention that it would help him to focus on something else rather than his life right now. He needed a shower. Half an hour later, the skin on his fingers already turning wrinkly while the water drumming against his back became cooler and cooler by the minute due to the water ration system that allowed only a certain amount of hot water in an effort to keep people from wasting it, Steve had to admit that maybe it wasn’t as easy as taking a shower to jumpstart normal emotions again. Although it certainly was soothing. Getting lost in the feeling of water touching his skin in rhythmical pattern, sliding down his body, hugging him in an, admittedly, rapidly cooling cocoon. Almost hypnotizing. It took him fifteen more minutes, and the water to become almost painfully cold, to finally turn off the showerhead and clumsily stumble out of the cabin. By now he really started to feel chilly and he was more than a bit grateful for the bathrobe that was hanging next to the small sink. Rubbing himself dry and then slipping into the warmth of the robe, Steve stopped in the middle of the doorframe at the sight of a blonde woman placing a tray on the small table. She didn’t appear surprised by his sudden appearance in the slightest, simply turning around to look at him, mouth turned in a professional and friendly smile. “Good morning. My name is Christine Chapel, temporary nurse at Starfleet Medical. I apologize if I startled you. It’s the usual time to bring patients their breakfast before the first round, and I didn’t want to risk you missing out on breakfast simply because you were busy trying to drown yourself in the shower.” There was a sense of dry humor in her voice, her eyes twinkling with gentle amusement while her face remained professional. “After all, I know how important coffee is to a good start into the day.” Her eyes softened slightly as she continued. “You also didn’t eat anything yesterday; you must be hungry.” As if only waiting for its cue, his stomach gave a loud rumble, reminding Steve that, yes, he was actually damn hungry. He wanted to thank her. Even if he was still undecided whether to trust these new people he was with or not, she was just doing her job and the least he could do was be polite. But the words wouldn’t come. Somewhere between the order of saying “thank you” and his mouth producing the sounds, they got lost. His body remained unresponsive to his brain giving it a clear task, making him incapable of doing more than look at her. Seemed as if sleep and a shower hadn’t been enough to break the dazedness after all. The silence between them became longer, longer than it would have been normal for such a short exchange and Steve watched with distant fascination as the mask on the woman’s face started to slide, moving from friendly professionalism to disbelief and sadness. It was only a moment before Chapel got herself back into control, but it made Steve wonder. Wonder why she would react to his lack of a response in such a way. “I’ll simply leave that here. Don’t wait too long. The coffee is best hot, and the porridge doesn’t get any better when it’s cold.” With those words, she moved towards the exit, a brief pause in her step when she left the room, then the door closed behind her, leaving Steve all by himself again. Turning his gaze back to the table, Steve slowly moved forward, then stopped in front of it. The dark, rich smell of freshly brewed coffee hit him at once, filling his nose and eliciting an appreciative grunt. He had only gotten replicated coffee during the last week and while it fulfilled its purpose, it certainly didn’t taste anything like the good stuff. And by the intense smell, this had to be real coffee, not replicated one.Feeling his mouth water in anticipation, Steve reached out a hand, then blinked, paused. Retreated his hand.This was supposed to be a hospital, not a luxury hotel. Why would they offer him real and, based on the smell, high quality coffee?Steve gnawed at his lower lip.It was another trick. Had to be. They wanted to win him over by beguiling him with food, lower his guard by being understanding and sympathetic. Who was to say they weren’t as bad as Tyrell and the others? Wasn’t it simply an exchange, one prison against another?He felt his stomach twist as another thought popped up.What if they had drugged the food? What if they pretended to be nice so that he would feel secure enough to eat and drink their spiced drinks or meals?His stomach gave another rumble. God, he really was hungry.Taking a deep breath, letting the aroma of the coffee wash over him one more time, Steve stepped back and went back to the bathroom, where he bent down to drink enough water from the sink until his stomach felt almost uncomfortably full.It wasn’t a long-term solution, but it would have to do until he had come to a decision about these people.Back in the main room, Steve went back to the table, picked one of the chairs and moved it over to the window, placing it in such a way that he could comfortably look outside while simultaneously also keep an eye on the door. Then he waited.That was how he spent the whole morning. At some point, Chapel returned to collect the breakfast. There was an interesting little dance of emotions on her face when she registered the untouched food and although Steve turned his head swiftly so that she wouldn’t catch him starring, he felt her sharp gaze on him. Concentrating at the skyscrapers in front of his window, Steve forced himself to ignore the clanking of the cutlery and only felt the tension leaving his chest after Chapel had left the room.It was probably around midday, his stomach just getting ready for another round of complaint against the lack of food, when the door to his room opened again. This time it was Doctor M’Benga, accompanied by a man in red uniform, black hair lying flat against his head and already thinning. The expression on M’Benga’s face was one of apparent displeasure and it made Steve immediately tense. He might not know anything about this situation, but he knew that the other doctor had at least treated him decently. And if he looked unhappy about something, then it was almost a guarantee that Steve wouldn’t like it either.Turned out he was right.“This is Admiral Henry. He has been overseeing the… search and investigation during the last week and he would like to ask you some questions. I have strongly objected”, and here M’Benga threw an annoyed glance in the direction of the admiral which the other skillfully ignored, “against questioning you at this point and to give you more time to settle. However, for legal purposes and for the investigation to come to an end as efficiently as possible, apparently it needs to take place sooner rather than later.”M’Benga focused on Steve again, eyes looking understanding and apologetic.“You are under no obligation to do this now. If you still need to take your time, then it can wait”, and now it was M’Benga’s turn to ignore the look of protest the admiral was giving him, “your health is my priority as your doctor.”
He never said my name.
The thought came out of nowhere and hit Steve completely by surprise. The moment he had first entered and introduced himself, M’Benga had never called him by name. Neither the name Tyrell had provided, nor the name one of the two officers had said when they had taken him in. Something with “M”; Steve couldn’t remember. Instead he had been focused on Steve’s health, seen him as the person he was right now, not the one he supposedly had been or the one that had been created. Just a human being without a name, but with a lot of insecurities that needed to be addressed, and questions that begged to be answered.A wave of gratitude swept over him at the realization, his throat all of a sudden tight with emotion. He had a feeling that normally, this kind of treatment would have annoyed him to no end. Because there was some flicker of annoyance at being treated like an invalid, as someone incapable of speaking for himself. But it was small, barely noticeable in the thankfulness that filled him up.Maybe he could at least trust the doctor.Not completely, not fully. But just a little bit.
Or maybe that’s their angle. Making you trust one person, so that you do their bidding. Doesn’t that sound familiar?
Steve pressed the balls of his hands into his eyes at the new thought, the softness of gratitude replaced with the iciness of dread and paranoia.God, he just wanted it to stop. How was he supposed to know what to do? There was no reference for right or wrong, his own judgment so compromised he couldn’t even trust that the fucking scenery outside the window wasn’t an illusion.He just wanted this to stop.“Alright, as I told you it’s too soon, we can arrange for another time…”Steve only heard the words distantly, but it crystallized one thought amidst the chaos in his head.It was a questioning. Admittedly, the admiral probably wanted to question him, but why not the other way around? He needed answers. Maybe this was his chance to get them.“No.”His voice sounded rough to his own ears, and he had to cough a bit as it caught in his throat, but it silenced the other two men immediately.“No. I mean- no we don’t need to rearrange. We can do this now.”Looking the supposed admiral – because seriously, everybody could dress up and pretend – in the eyes, Steve tried to project a confidence he didn’t feel in the slightest.“Under one condition.”Henry raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything.“This questioning – it goes two ways. If I answer your questions, you’ll tell me your version of events. Your truth.”And then maybe this entire thing would make more sense.For a moment, Henry almost seemed surprised by the request. Then he looked at M’Benga, inclining his head as if to ask for the other’s agreement.“If you are sure. Medically speaking, I don’t think it should be a problem for now.”Steve nodded and then asked, “Will you stay?”Steve felt as surprised as M’Benga looked at his words, but the question had been out before he could think about it.His brain-mouth coordination really wasn’t up to speed at the moment.But despite all his doubts, there was this feeling in his gut. This feeling that he could trust the other doctor. That he had been honest with him so far.Maybe he could still rely on that.“Of course. I will stay, if you want.”There was a small, but kind smile on the doctor’s lips as he nodded. Admiral Henry coughed, then clapped in his hands, almost making Steve jump.“Great. If you don’t mind, I would like to get started then. Seems like both sides have questions that need some answering.”Taking chairs from the table, the two men joined Steve in his office, namely the spot next to the window.“If it is alright, I would like to ask my questions first. Not”, Henry hurried to say as Steve opened his mouth to protest, “because I think yours are less important. Trust me, I appreciate how urgently you want answers and you deserve them. But from a legal standpoint, I need your statement as neutrally as possible, from the perspective you had during the last week and without any influence from information you might obtain once I answered your questions and which could impact your judgment. Do you understand?”Begrudgingly, Steve nodded. It was annoying but he understood the reason behind it.“Why don’t we start simple? Tell me about the last week.”Steve threw a quick glance at M’Benga, unsure where to start, but the admiral apparently sensed his unease and continued, “You told the doctor here that you woke up in the research station roughly a week ago without any memories of who you are. Maybe start from there.”And so, Steve told him. About waking up in unfamiliar surroundings, not knowing how he got there or who he was in the first place. About Tyrell, the testing she did on him and the results which he himself had never seen. The story she had told him. The serum he was supposed to create to help end a war and Tyrell’s frustration at his inability to do so. Every interaction he had had with either Tyrell, Wildner or one of the other two. The attack on the research station and his capture by the two officers.Henry was a good listener, and he only interrupted Steve occasionally to clarify something or to get more details on one matter or another. M’Benga was silent for the most part, only once or twice throwing in a question concerning Steve’s health during the last week.When he was finally finished, Steve felt as if he had run a marathon. Retelling everything that had happened, trying to remember as many details as possible was exhausting, and he had felt his mouth getting drier and drier the longer he talked. To top it all, his headache had returned, not as strongly as yesterday, but still strong enough to make him slightly cranky.But he could deal with that if it meant finally getting answers.“I have answered your questions. Now it’s my turn.”Henry looked at him closely, studying his face as if to discern if he truly had told everything there was to it. Then he nodded, leaning back in his chair and dropping his folded hands in his lap.“You’re right. You’ve given us a pretty detailed account of your perspective on what happened, and I really appreciate it. It will make nailing these bastards much easier.”One of his hands moved to his face, rubbing it tiredly, whereas Steve felt a twist in his stomach.Had it been wrong? Tyrell and the others had manipulated him, true, but maybe he was in the hands of worse people? Maybe telling them even something as simple as his days of the last week had created more damage than he could have imagined.“What happened? You said my account would help nail them. What for?”Henry’s hand dropped back to his lap as the admiral regarded him. The right corner of his mouth lifted in a small lopsided smile. It wasn’t a happy one.And so, Steve was told another story. About an attack on San Francisco which initially resulted from a rogue agency within Starfleet, Section 31. About four prisoners, former officers of said agency. About their escape from jail and their kidnapping of a Fleet doctor, the Chief Medical Officer of the Starship Enterprise. Of a weeklong search for the fugitives and the missing doctor, of assumptions made and discarded about their plans, of fears about potential terrorist attacks. Of finally finding their hideout, moving in and arresting the four officers without a loss of life.About a doctor without any memories.Turns out Steve was a good listener as well. He had asked some questions at the beginning. What kind of attack? What sort of agency? What proof was there?The last was the hardest. Henry had shown him images of Tyrell, Wildner, Centrich and Simril, their position within Section 31 and what they had been accused of before they had escaped.It could have been forged, of course. The information about the others, the entire story. Henry sounded convincing and logical in his recount, but hadn’t Tyrell as well? There were pictures and documents to support the story this time, but could he trust those?And the longer Henry talked, the quieter Steve became, just listening.They said he had been a doctor. That part he fully believed; it was the only part of both stories that aligned, and he had his knowledge to prove that, so at least one thing remained a fucking constant.They said he had been the CMO of a starship. The flagship, apparently, if he understood Henry correctly. Steve didn’t know how that was supposed to make him feel.They spoke of a search, an investigation. Of so many people looking not only for Wildner and the others, but him as well. Trying to find him alive.Alive.There had been an assumed risk that they might kill him the longer he was missing.And people had been looking for him. Why would they look for him? Because he was a CMO? A member of Starfleet?One question hit him at that, a thought he hadn’t fully contemplated before. What about any friends? About family? Had they been looking for him as well? Had anyone been looking for him because they cared? Or was it all only about duty, about work?Steve felt himself shaking at the inside, getting lightheaded. Had anyone missed him? Did anyone care for him as a human being and not someone fulfilling a certain profession, a certain purpose?“…and then Commander Spock and Captain Kirk carried you over to the shuttle, which then transported you to Starfleet Medical, our current location.”Henry had continued talking, unaware of Steve’s inner tumult.The admiral paused for a moment, looking over at M’Benga and smiling slightly.“I have to say, whatever else you hear about Kirk and his crew, they are certainly loyal. Don’t know many captains who would be THAT involved into the wellbeing of their CMO.”M’Benga glared back at the other man, expression both reproachful and firm.“Captain Kirk and Commander Spock make a formidable team. It’s why the crew is as supportive and loyal as they are.”Henry raised his hands.“I didn’t mean any offense by it, it’s certainly admirable. It was just an observation.”Steve looked at him, not being able to take everything in. The captain and a commander of the ship he was apparently stationed on had been looking for him. Was that normal?Hell if he knew.“Captain – Kirk, was it? And Commander – Spuck?”There were two names. Two names that were part of his past.Or his supposed past.Fuck it all, was this the truth? Another lie?It was M’Benga who answered this time, brown eyes warm as they fixed on Steve.“Commander Spock, yes, and Captain Kirk. They as well as the rest of the crew have been very determined to find you. There are a lot of people who care about you.”The last part was said softly, gently, and it completely undid Steve. Feeling the walls around his emotions crumble like melting wax, sensing them shiver and break, ready to unleash another wave of abstract grief for what he had lost, for all the things and people he didn’t remember, Steve turned his head to the side, looking once again out of the window. The sun had wandered, indicating late afternoon, as clouds moved in from the west, obscuring its rays from time to time. They looked bright enough but who knew? Maybe they would get rain.Rain was good. Rain washed things away. Steve wished it could undo the past week, this entire situation as well.Absently, he heard the two men talking, getting up and moving the chairs away, not really paying attention to them anymore. Until he heard Wildner’s name. His name and a request.Steve’s head jerked to look at the admiral again, his chest tight all of a sudden.“What?”Both Henry and M’Benga flinched, apparently thinking that Steve hadn’t been listening anymore.“It is nothing, just something that he asked during my interrogation with him…”, Henry started, but Steve interrupted.“No, you said something about No-Wildner. What? What did he want?”Henry looked at M’Benga questioningly, yet the doctor’s face was painted in indecision as well.“I’m not sure this would be a good idea, you have only been here…”This time it was definitely annoyance that rushed through him as they continued to treat him like a child. Like something fragile, someone who could break at the lightest pressure. Well, tough for them. He at least wanted to know what he was supposedly going to freak out about again.Annoyance also was a nice change to all the grief and panic he had felt since waking up, so he clung to it almost in desperation.“Good lord, I’m an adult, although you seem to have forgotten that part. Why don’t you two tell me what he wants, and I can tell you myself where he can shove it?”Steve had gotten out of the chair as he spoke and for a second, it was silent. Then M’Benga choked out a laugh, covering his mouth quickly and turning to the side, hiding his face. Henry furrowed his brow in confusion. It was only a moment, then the doctor turned back, face looking appropriately apologetic, but Steve could swear he had seen a crack in the mask. A crack showing weirdly enough both hope and loss. A strange combination.M’Benga nodded and Henry turned back to Steve.“During his interrogation, Wildner asked if he could talk to you. Even tried to bribe us, can you believe that, saying he would tell us everything about more secret locations and the like if only we would let him talk to you.”Henry sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.“Not that this information wouldn’t be helpful if it’s true. But we’ve got enough to lock him and the other three away for good. There is no reason you need to put yourself through his manipulations, doctor.”It was said kindly, but Steve barely noticed.Wildner wanted to talk with him. Of the four of them, he had only really considered Wildner as someone who could, under different circumstances or if they had known each other for longer, have become a friend. Whose betrayal somehow hurt a little bit more.Steve had liked the other man. And if he hadn’t completely misread him, Wildner seemed to have liked him too. Maybe that was enough. Maybe it was enough to trust one of the only four people who could truly be able to tell him the goddamn truth of what was going on.“I want to talk to him.”The protests didn’t take long.“I don’t think that’s sensible at this point…”“He’s a criminal, doctor, you can’t trust…”Steve interrupted them, the annoyance almost morphing into anger, and wasn’t that a liberating feeling.“I don’t care what you think! You ask me to trust you, to believe you, after I’ve just spent a week with people who demanded exactly the same and turned out to be the ones who destroyed my mind in the first place. You claim they are criminals, showing me documents, which can easily be forged; it’s not like someone like me can tell after all, right? You moved me from one prison to another, locked me into this room, and yet demand I trust every word you say!”Steve heaved a breath, blood rushing in his ears.“Well, I’m not having it. You want my trust? You need to do more other than not torture me and tell me adventurous stories about secret agents and kidnappings!”It was quiet in the room, Henry and M’Benga simply looking at him, one in sudden confusion, the other in sadness and guilt.Heart pounding loudly, Steve tried to reign in his temper, willing the hot anger to cool down.“Please. Let me speak with him. You don’t understand… So many people have told me different things by now. Please, let me find out the truth.”It was more heartfelt than he had intended, but apparently, it had been the right thing to say.Admiral Henry’s expression softened and, looking at Doctor M’Benga who gave a sign of agreement, he said, “Alright. Alright, if that is what you want, then that can be arranged.”Inclining his head, he continued, “We are not the enemy, doctor. And I have to admit, I probably can’t understand what you’re going through at the moment. But I hope, I can at least help you in regaining your trust in us.”Steve let out a shaky breath, the furious, annoyed energy streaming through his body leaving as quickly as it had come. Unable to speak, he nodded, then fell back into his seat, combing a hand through his hair.They would let him speak with Wildner. Maybe, maybe he would get some answers.
And then?
Steve pushed the questions down ruthlessly. He would cross the bridge when he came to it and not a second earlier. “When will I be able to speak to him?”Henry shrugged.“Not today, I’m afraid, but I will have it arranged for some time during the morning tomorrow.”Steve nodded. He would have preferred today but the next day was also acceptable.“Right. Great. I’ll be here and make sure to clear my schedule.”For a moment, the other two men just stared at him before they apparently realized it for the joke it was meant to be and chuckled. Henry nervously, M’Benga warmly.Steve rolled his eyes. Being treated like glass truly was becoming tiresome. After that, Henry bid his goodbye with the promise to be back tomorrow. M’Benga lingered a bit longer, asking him some more questions about his amnesia and his headache while performing another scan on his brain before he left as well. However, correctly anticipating that sun gazing could only occupy one for so long, the doctor left a PADD with some reading material and pointed out the movie library on the TV that might have some movies he would like. Then he was gone as well, leaving Steve to his thoughts.Movies, books. He hadn’t watched or read anything during the last week. How was he supposed to know which genres he preferred?In the end, he settled for some mindless, but mildly exciting Science Fiction movie of the late 21st century. The plot was plausible enough to not have him roll his eyes every second yet carried exactly the right amount of incredulous disbelief to safely assume nothing of the sort could ever happen in real life, ever. It provided such a great distraction from his cycle of worries that Steve immediately watched the second part and then the third one.Turned out the series consisted of six movies, followed by numerous sequels and prequels. Steve was delighted. Focusing on someone else’s problem and their wars and domination of the galaxy was a welcome relief to his own situation.In the end, he fell asleep to the sounds of explosions on the screen and the fight of good against evil, a last fleeting thought rushing through his mind asking himself why the sides could never be as clear in real life and if they were, which side he was on at the moment and how the hell he was supposed to figure it out.Waking up to a churning stomach the next morning reminded Steve that he hadn’t eaten anything in the last two days and that he definitely needed to remedy the situation today. And he would. As soon as he could trust that it was safe to do so. After his talk with Wildner.Once again, he drank enough water from the bathroom’s faucet until his stomach was admittedly uncomfortably full, but the cramps of hunger had eased a bit at least. Taking up residence next to the window again, Steve ignored Chapel when she brought, and about an hour later, took away his breakfast and the glances she threw in his direction. Even without knowing her, he could practically feel the disapproval radiate from her, yet she refrained from saying anything. Steve wondered if she had orders to leave him be for now.Time was passing as slowly as it was wont to do when one was waiting for something. At some point his right leg started to bob nervously and Steve forced it to calm down, not wanting to show his agitation. Not ten minutes later his stomach decided it was high time to practice getting tangled up in knots as tightly as possible, leaving Steve to take slow breaths in an attempt to soothe it. He was only mildly successful.The moment he had finally enough and was about to get up to demand they bring Wildner to him right about now, the door to his room swished open, M’Benga stepping in. Although the other man concealed it well, the tension around his eyes revealed the nervousness he seemed to feel and for a moment Steve wondered what he was nervous about. Nervous for his patient and his mental stability? Or nervous that the careful charade he and the other actors of this play had constructed was about to be torn down?One way or another, Steve would find an answer today. He would listen to Wildner and then, hopefully, finally, he would be able to decide whose story was the truth.And then he would reclaim the life he had lost.Easy. Simple. Walk in the park.Steve took a deep breath, hoping he at least looked more resolved than he felt.“Good morning. Did you sleep well?”Steve shrugged his shoulders.“Was alright. Watched some movies before going to bed.”The other doctor smiled.“Anything good?”Steve shrugged again, looking aside.“They were enjoyable enough, yeah.”The silence after that stretched for a moment too long to be still comfortable and when Steve glanced back at the doctor, he saw the smile slowly slipping from the other’s face, showing a brief glimpse of the sadness Steve was growing strangely accustomed to before the look was all professional again.“Good, that’s good.”Moving towards the small table, the doctor put his PADD down before he said, “Admiral Henry will be here shortly with Lieutenant Commander Wildner. He and I won’t be present during your talk with him, but there will be two security officers at the door to assure your safety and to prevent any escape attempts from Wildner.”M’Benga pressed his lips together as he fiddled with the technological device.“I tried to argue for your privacy, but the admiral was adamant that two officers stay in the same room. Given the previous escape of Wildner and the others, I can’t even blame him for his caution.”Looking back at Steve, there was an apology in his eyes when their gaze met.“I hope this is still acceptable for you. The officers are under orders not to interfere in any way other than to make sure no harm comes to either of you.”M’Benga looked truly guilty as he was talking and somehow that helped to quell the annoyance that started to rise again in Steve’s chest. The other was just a doctor; he probably didn’t have much say in any of the decisions that were made concerning this entire situation. It wouldn’t be fair to vent his frustrations on him.“Sure. As long as I get to talk with him without any interference.”M’Benga nodded.“Of course. You’ll have all the time you need.”A soft knock on the door made Steve’s heart beat faster in his chest, the palms of his hands getting sweaty from one second to another.It was time.The first thing Steve noticed when Wildner entered, flanked by two men in red uniforms, was the absence of bruises, at least on any visibly part of him, and the apparent pain free movement of his body. There was no hidden wince as he stepped into the room, no shuffling or stumbling. His stride was as assured as it could be while being handcuffed and held at both arms by two men, who looked like even sneezing would lead to being pressed against the wall with a phaser pressed to your head.Something unclenched in his chest at the sight of the other man, seeing him unharmed.The others hadn’t been hurt, at least. M’Benga hadn’t lied to him.The second thing Steve noted was Wildner’s sudden incapability to look him in the eye, something he had never had a problem with. During the last week, Wildner had always carried himself with the assured confidence of a professional who knew what he was doing, a man with a vision.That image had disappeared. There was still a sense of self-assurance around him, sure. But overall, it was the picture of a man who carried a strong amount of guilt with him.It made Steve wonder what had happened to lead to such a drastic change in only a couple of days. Maybe these talks with the people who held them had been more trying that he had assumed. Maybe they hadn’t hurt him physically, but what about psychologically?The two men pushed Wildner down on one of the chairs around the small table, then locked his handcuffs to the chair’s legs. After checking that he was secured, they stepped back, taking up their residence next to the bathroom door.“Thank you, Lieutenant Hendorff, Lieutenant Jones.”Admiral Henry had entered behind the trio, giving a brief nod to the two officers. Steve couldn’t read his face when their eyes met.“I apologize for not being able to grant you full privacy, but we simply can’t take the risk of another escape attempt. I hope you can understand our situation.”To be frank, Steve didn’t really feel like being understanding about it, but he refrained from saying anything. He just wanted his talk with Wildner and beyond that, he didn’t really care about any political games or whatever this entire thing was.“Yeah, sure. Guess I should be thankful I get to talk with him at all.”Henry winced but didn’t say anything. Instead he gestured to the doctor to join him in leaving and said, “Physical contact of any form is not allowed between you and Wildner, and you are not to get closer than one meter distance between you; the two officers will interfere if you do. We’ll be back in one hour.”With that, he followed M’Benga outside and with a soft hissing noise, the door closed behind them, leaving Steve and the three others in awkward silence.Turning towards the two officers, Steve rubbed his head as he gestured at them.“Well, ahem, I would say make yourself comfortable but I’m fresh out of drinks.”The two men didn’t react – which yes, made Steve think of a secret spy organization more than anything he had seen here since his capture – although Steve could swear, he had seen the mouth of the one addressed as Hendorff twitch.Steve sighed. This left him fresh out of deflection options. Which was ridiculous. He had wanted to speak to Wildner, had demanded it. Heck, he only had one hour, probably less already. Steve thirsted for these answers. So why was the mere thought of finally getting them twisting his stomach into even more knots then before?“This talk won’t get any more pleasant the longer we wait. So, why don’t you sit down, and we get it over with? For both our sakes.”Wildner’s voice made Steve jump a little, unprepared for the other to break the silence first. Cursing the other quietly under his breath for being right, Steve finally went over to the table and sat opposite the engineer.Up close, Wildner looked tired, dark circles lying under his eyes. But more than that, he looked resigned. He appeared like a man who had given up, accepted that whatever his plans had been, they were over.Steve felt something twist inside at the sight.“What happened to you?”The words were out before he could stop them. Steve couldn’t help it; he was first and foremost a doctor.Wildner snorted.“Fuck.”He made a move with his right arm as if to rub his face, then was quickly reminded that he was currently chained to a chair.“Fuck. Fuck you for being you, Steve, really. Couldn’t you have been an asshole? It would have made it so much easier to simply forget about this part of the entire clusterfuck.”Giving a dry laugh, Wildner’s eyes still hadn’t found Steve’s once since he had entered the room. Instead he was focused on the window.It really was a fascinating window, Steve could sympathize.“But no, instead you were a fucking good human being, who actually cares about people losing their lives, and a decent person to talk to. Definitely a much better conversationalist than the other three. Never really got along with them all that much even before that, don’t know why I agreed to their stupid stunt.”He sighed, gaze dropping to the table.“God, you have no idea how much I wish I could go back in time and tell my past self to just say no. To not go with them. Fucked up my life for good this time.”Steve didn’t know how to react. Wildner was throwing a pity party for himself and while Steve didn’t know what events he was referring to, it was enough to make the hair on his arms stand up and his innards twist painfully together.It also snapped the very limited amount of patience he had right now.“Goddamn, Wildner, don’t speak in riddles! I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about, apart from the fact that you apparently made some bad life choices recently. Which, yeah, alright, I figured as much already considering we’re all locked up.”Steve glared at the other man.“What I want to know is why.”That made Wildner finally look at him directly. For a moment, Steve saw a spark of anger in the other’s brown eyes, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come, leaving once again only resignation behind.“Yeah, I can imagine that you don’t know.”He looked aside again.“Fuck, the entire plan was a crazy idea to begin with but you…”Wildner trailed off, then took a deep breath before meeting Steve’s gaze head on.“You are collateral damage now. And for that I’m so sorry.”His face twisted, cracking to show true remorse as he repeated, “I’m so goddamn sorry.”There was a buzzing sound in his head, his ears, his chest constricted all of a sudden, taking away his breath and crushing his frantic heart.They had told the truth.“They told the truth.”He didn’t fully register the words, his own voice coming to him only as if carried away by a raging storm.Wildner nodded.“Yeah. If by the truth you mean them being Starfleet and us being rogue agents hellbent on still achieving a lost goal, then yes, they were telling the truth.”The rushing in his ears only increased, the air way too thin and his lungs still incapable of taking enough of it in.“Was anything you told me real?”Wildner almost smiled at that, his mouth giving a sad twist.“I told you my story. About my mum and why I joined Starfleet. I didn’t lie about that. I always wanted to safe people, to prevent families from having to go through the same loss and pain mine had to. I just followed the wrong ideas how to achieve that.”Distantly, Steve noted how the other’s hands balled into fists.“I was so obsessed with saving Earth and the Federation from our enemies that I lost track of the prime goal. Tricking myself into believing that sacrificing a few was justifiable to save the many.”He hesitated for a moment, then continued.“Fooling myself to believe that taking someone’s life only entailed killing them. That erasing memories of a whole life was merciful compared to what else we could have done, was justified in the face of what we could achieve.”Someone or something was sucking the air out of this room. It was the only explanation for why he still didn’t get any, the world starting to dance in front of his eyes.They had been right. M’Benga, Henry, the two officers who had brought him in. They had told the truth while he had almost committed an unimaginable ethical violation, might have helped to start a war rather than prevent one, for people consumed by their own agenda of righteousness and grandiosity.“Why me?”The words sounded faint, but he didn’t care. Wildner smiled sadly.“Tyrell wasn’t lying about that either. When she said that you created a serum that had revived someone from death. It just wasn’t your father you had brought back. He had already died a long time before that. But the fact remains, you resurrected someone from the dead. And if you had been able to do it once, you could do it again, and then Tyrell would have been able to modify it to prolong life in general, not just restore it.”It was like two different puzzle sets coming together, one piece fitting with the other, creating a new, a different picture, completing each other. There was just one question left.“Why destroy my memories? Why leaving behind…”He trailed off, but Steve needed to know. He needed to hear it from Wildner.“Because you refused to do just that. You wouldn’t cooperate, although you had already played God once. You didn’t want to do so again. So, Tyrell took away everything that hindered our purpose and left only what we needed you for: your brain, your expertise.”Wildner’s voice had gone quiet as well, his eyes once again looking everywhere but at Steve. His face displayed honest regret by now, his entire posture radiating guilt.Steve couldn’t bring himself to care.“I believed that it was justified, that by only harming one more person, you, we would finally have the upper hand against the Klingons and whoever else is out there planning the destruction of our way of living.”Pressing his lips together briefly and taking a deep breath, Wildner finally managed to look Steve in the eye again.“I lost my way and I screwed up my own life in the process. And while I can’t make undone what already happened, I at least want to help you regain what you lost, McCoy. See it as some form of a small redemption on my part.”
McCoy.
It was the name the blond-haired man had used only three days ago. The name he had assumed Steve would react to. Because it was his name.McCoy. It meant nothing to Steve George.Steve George.He wasn’t Steve and he wasn’t McCoy either. He was no one.Something snapped, broke inside his chest as a torrent of emotions streamed through his body, drowning him, lapping over him in crushing waves of grief, anger and pain. So much pain for what he had lost. It hurt, it hurt so much, ripping through his breast, splitting him in two and he just wanted it to stop. Wanted, needed a release.The world became a collection of fragmented snapshots after that, sometimes blurry, sometimes crystal clear in its sharpness.There was Wildner in front of him. Wildner on the floor, blood streaming from his nose, his face turning red and swollen before his eyes, his own fist hurting as he punched the man beneath him again, and again, and again.Hands on his shoulders, tearing at his clothes, pulling him back, away from Wildner whose brown eyes didn’t even look accusing, only apologetic. So apologetic.The fury in his chest roared.Apologetic wasn’t enough. It didn’t take away the pain, didn’t bring back his memories. Wildner didn’t understand what it meant to be left with nothing, to be left in a world without a single fixture, one anchor to ground you, to guide you. To be left in the night without a compass of any kind. To have been ripped apart on purpose for the misguided goal of what? Immortality? Superiority?Wildner didn’t get to be apologetic about that. He only got to suffer.There were voices around him, shouts, and he was still struggling against the hands holding him back.Then there was M’Benga in front of him, speaking, forming words but they were lost to him, unable to hear anything in the onslaught of emotions.More hands, moving him, and now he didn’t just want to get back to Wildner. Now he wanted to escape, wanted to break free. He didn’t want to be held down.Blinking, and he was on the bed, hands still holding him as he shouted, cursing the people around him, all of them, struggling to move away.Blues eyes looking down at him in worry, a gentle hand brushing away hair from his brow as he focused on the blond-haired man above him, the one who had brought him here. The one who had called him by his name.Then there was a soft pinch at his neck, the hiss of a hypo spray and as his eyes closed, he knew that whatever else happened when he woke up, Steve George had just given his last performance.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I should not dare to leave my friend,
Because—because if he should die
While I was gone—and I—too late—
Should reach the Heart that wanted me—
Emily Dickinson, “I should not dare to leave my friend” In retrospect, Jim really had more sympathy for Nero.Not the whole destroying Vulcan as a form of misguided, psychotic revenge and then planning to do the same with every other Federation planet, of course. But the urge to end the ones who had hurt the person he cared about the most in this world, make them pay for what they had done.Also, he wouldn’t say no travelling back in time to prevent the entire thing from happening in the first place. Without the entire “landing in and messing up a different timeline” thing. Of course.Fuck, he really didn’t make any sense, even in his own head. Maybe he should have taken some sleeping pills the night before, rather than follow the tried and tested approach of tossing and turning. Yeah. That one had never helped before and unsurprisingly it hadn’t done much good this night either.Based on Spock’s gaze as he was following Jim’s nervous pacing in front of the hospital room, the Vulcan was either contemplating admitting his captain into the medical facility himself or finish what he had started on the bridge two years ago and strangle him. And right now, Jim really couldn’t tell which option was the more appealing one to his first officer.Just when Spock opened his mouth to most likely tell him for the umpteenth time to sit down, the door in front of them slid open and M’Benga stepped out. Jim was next to him in a second, only just refraining from immediately bombarding the doctor with questions because he still remembered that he was the doctor’s superior and should maybe act like it.Also, Spock appearing next to his side only another second later proofed once and for all that Vulcans do, in fact, care and behave like mother hens. “How is he?”Because that was the most important question. Seeing his friend completely lose it, screaming and trashing after he had apparently punched Wildner’s face repeatedly had shaken Jim more than he would have thought possible. Bones didn’t hit people, never even indulged in bar fights besides pulling Jim out of them. He took the entire “do no harm” part of his oath too serious for that, even when off duty. But the man behind the door wasn’t the same person he had known for five years. For now, nobody could tell him how the forced loss of his memories and the crash of his entire support system all within the span of a week would affect Bones’ psyche. Having to hold him down in order for M’Benga to sedate him also was an experience Jim could have lived without. After learning that his friend would talk with Wildner alone this day, he had taken up residence in front of the door. M’Benga had been adamant in not letting Jim pose as a security officer to be in the same room as his friend, saying that it was important to remain in the same roles they had introduced themselves to Bones when they first met, to not only create much needed stability, but hopefully, eventually, also gain his trust. Due to Henry telling Bones the entire story of what had happened, even if it was unclear whether the doctor believed it or not, his friend was at least told that he had been, was still part of Jim’s crew. And as such, it might raise more questions than necessary when the captain of the flagship did the duty of a security officer. Again, Jim had begrudgingly yielded to the doctor’s advice and had instead started to wear a hole in the ground from where he paced in the corridor. For some time, everything had been going well; or so Jim assumed. At least he hadn’t heard anything from behind the door. Of course, things had to go south and when M’Benga had rushed into the room once they had heard shouts from behind the door, Jim had simply followed. There had been chaos, the security officers holding his friend back as he had strained towards the still shackled Wildner, his arm held tightly by Hendorff to apparently prevent him from lashing out again. M’Benga had crouched in front of Bones, talking to him, trying to calm him down but the other had seemed incapable of hearing him, screaming curses at Wildner the whole time. Once they had moved to transfer him to the bio bed, the curses had stopped and switched to begging for them to stop and that was the moment Jim couldn’t restrain himself any longer, M’Benga’s advice be damned. He had stepped in to help carry his friend over to the bed and considering his struggles, no one had complained about an extra pair of hands. While M’Benga had gotten a hypospray with a sedative, Jim had finally looked at his friend, and the sharp, piercing pain in his chest could have only been the feeling of his heart breaking.There had been so much stark panic in his friend’s eyes, so much fear, and without a thought, Jim had reached out, brushing away a stray piece of hair that had fallen into the other’s eyes during his struggles, wanting to comfort him at least a little bit. It had almost taken him by surprise that Bones had reacted to that, his eyes focusing on Jim for the first time since he had entered the room. Jim wasn’t sure if he had recognized him, but for a moment, he had calmed down.Once Bones had been sedated, M’Benga had shooed all of them out, instructing Hendorff and Jones to take Wildner to one of the examination rooms so that his face could be looked at for damage, and unceremoniously ordered Jim out of the room as well to do another scan of Bones’ brain “in peace and quiet, Captain”. Not five minutes later, Spock had materialized at his side, making Jim wonder who on the medical team had snitched on him and told his first officer what had happened.“He’s still unconscious. The sedative should wear off in about an hour, although I hope that he’ll fall into a natural sleep after that. Leonard needs the rest. His brain is fine though”, he continued when Jim opened his mouth, “or rather, it’s unchanged. There is no new damage visible.”“Why would he react in such a manner? What could have prompted such a strong reaction?”, Spock asked next to him, his voice as neutral as if he were inquiring about the weather.M’Benga sighed.“I don’t know yet, I haven’t spoken to the security officers yet as they are still with Lieutenant Commander Wildner. For now, I can only assume that he must have been told something that provoked a strong emotional overwhelm and consequently made him lash out against one of the people who are responsible for his current predicament. Maybe Wildner taunted him, although I doubt that; he didn’t seem like the type to do that when I interviewed him before this talk. Maybe he provided some answers that Leonard wasn’t ready to hear. Whatever the reason, I would suggest no further contact between Dr. McCoy and any of his former captors, however well the intention. For now, we can only hope that the encounter at least helped in a way that gave Leonard some closure and will make it easier for him to trust us again. Without that, a recovery will be even more difficult than it’s going to be already anyway.”Jim nodded, feeling his insides shaking with nervous energy, barely keeping himself from tapping his foot.“Can I see him?”Because while of course he cared about his friend’s health and any prognosis regarding any possible recovery, right now Jim only truly needed to see him. To remind his brain that Bones really was here, back with them, safe behind this door. Apparently, his brain had become rather forgetful in the last forty-eight hours and needed a constant reminder of that.M’Benga took his time to answer, looking at Jim with a contemplating frown.“Well, overall this should be acceptable. Leonard has been with us for two days now and while his reaction towards the admiral’s story was understandably still doubtful, he didn’t outright refute it. Based on his reaction towards Wildner, he might be even more responsive to hearing the truth now and slowly learning about his past, actually believing what we’re telling him.”The doctor shrugged, hands tucked into the pockets of his white uniform.“How we proceed all depends on his reaction towards us when he wakes up; if he is more trusting or more hostile. For now, my recommendation remains the same: don’t address him by name and don’t bring up moments from his past without Leonard prompting you first. For one week, he had lived the life of Steve George, a persona however wrong it had been, still provided something to cling to. Having that ripped away must have been like a second trauma, loosing himself twice within only a couple of days. So, I would like to leave the choice up to Leonard in which speed he reclaims his true identity and in which manner, without anybody forcing something on him.”His gaze was sharp when he focused on Jim.“Can you do that, Captain? Can you sit with him, talk with him and see the man that he is now, not the friend you still want to see in him? If you can do that, then I would like to include you in his healing process; you were an essential part of his past and spending time with you might spark some emotional recognition, even when the corresponding memories are no longer there.If you don’t think you’re able to do that, then I don’t think it would be advisable for you to have contact with him, at least not in the beginning.”M’Benga’s eyes softened as he continued, “There is no shame if you can’t immediately deal with the situation, Captain. Amnesia doesn’t just affect the patient; it affects everybody in their social circles as well. Sometimes it can be even harder on friends and families than on the patients themselves, since there is this colliding picture of how someone was before and how they are now. It is difficult to adjust to that. But my responsibility right now is Dr. McCoy. If there is to be any chance of rehabilitating at least parts of his life, we need to treat every encounter with the necessary care and precaution.”The doctor’s voice was serious when he asked, “I need you to be honest with me, Captain: Are you able to do this?”It was a justified question. After this week of an emotional rollercoaster, after the revelation about his feelings for his friend, could Jim sit there and accept that the man he had called best friend, the man he had slowly grown to love, didn’t exist anymore, at least not in the way he had before?The answer was easy.“Yes.”For as he had told Spock before, this wasn’t about Jim, this was about Bones. It was about what was best for him, how they could help him reclaim or create a new life for himself.Jim’s own feelings had to come second.“Thank you for honesty, Doctor, and for your care towards Dr. McCoy. I can assure you it is appreciated both professionally and personally. But to answer your question, yes, I think I’m able to do that and I will follow your advice on this matter. Dr. McCoy’s health is the priority and my personal feelings have no room here.”Taking on the role of Captain Kirk rather than Jim was easier, helped him to distance himself appropriately. They were talking about Dr. McCoy, CMO of his ship; not Bones, best friend Jim had ever had.M’Benga nodded.“Alright then. You may see him.”The room they entered looked like every other hospital room Jim had ever been in, simple and functional. There was a small table surrounded by three chairs next to the wall opposite the bed and without a second thought, Jim went over and grabbed one to sit beside his friend.On first glance, Bones looked exactly like he always had, face relaxed as if he were merely sleeping, breath coming softly. It was only on second glance that Jim noticed the rings underneath his eyes, the pallor of his skin and the slight shallowness of his cheeks. Feeling something starting to throb painfully in his chest, Jim grabbed his friend’s lax hand. As if he was the one who needed some grounding. Tracing his fingers gently over the other’s knuckles, he frowned when he noticed their slight redness.Looking up at M’Benga, the doctor simply said, “His skin split and bruised when he punched Wildner. I had to run the regen over his hand.”Nodding absently, Jim pulled the chair closer and sat down, eyes back on his friend.“You can sit with him for a while if you want, Captain; as I said, he should still be out for some time. I will also bring you some reading material on how to deal with amnesiac patients. If we start to include you into Leonard’s circle of associates, and more importantly, if he is eventually, hopefully able to come home with you, you need to know how to behave towards him. Call me if he wakes up earlier than expected.”With those words, M’Benga left the room. For a moment, Jim wondered where Spock had disappeared to, but he supposed his first officer hadn’t seen the logic in watching a sleeping man and was probably busy doing all the things Jim had been incapable of doing during the last week. He should really think about some sort of gift to show his gratitude.For the first time in over a week, he was completely alone with Bones and seeing his still form on the bed shattered one final barrier inside Jim. Tears started to run down his cheeks as Jim absently wondered if he hadn’t lost it often enough in the last couple of days. Yet this time, it felt different. Instead of the frustrated fury and sadness of the days before, he felt relief slowly flow through his body the longer he looked at his friend. Bursting from his chest like a well in spring, it rushed through every limb, leaving him shaky and almost lightheaded. And grateful. In the wake of this huge relief, there was also a growing sense of gratitude.Bones was back. He was alive, he was safe. He wasn’t unharmed, not unchanged, but he was alive. And considering the fact that only four days ago Jim hadn’t even known that for sure, the fact that he could sit here and just look at Bones, hold his hand, felt like a gift he had never appreciated before.The tears kept streaming down his face, but Jim didn’t care, didn’t bother to wipe them away. He knew that the next weeks or months wouldn’t be easy, but right now, in this moment, he breathed easier for the peace that finally, after a week of anxiety and worry, started to settle within.Making himself more comfortable, Jim settled for a long wait.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If I should disappoint the eyes
That hunted—hunted so—to see—
And could not bear to shut until
They ‘noticed’ me—they noticed me—
There was someone with him when he woke up.How he could tell without opening his eyes he wasn’t sure, but there was this feeling of a presence next to him, someone sitting beside him. He heard movement, the sounds of a body moving after sitting still for too long, joints cracking and clothes rustling. Taking stock of his own body, he only felt a slight headache, located right above his eyes, but otherwise no injuries. Nothing or no one holding him down.The thought of being restrained released an avalanche of memories of his talk with Wildner. The other’s admission of all the crimes Henry had accused them of. Wildner’s apology as he tried to ease his conscience. And while there was a refreshed sense of muted fury over what had been done to him glimmering in his chest, he also managed to look at the information Wildner had provided more objectively.The engineer had honestly seemed remorseful about his part in the entire situation. And while this didn’t absolve him, he could now acknowledge that it provided him with a sort of closure at least. Wildner had explicitly given him confirmation that the story Admiral Henry had told him had been correct, something he had no reason to do. Quite the opposite actually, considering he was now held prisoner by the same people he asked him to trust.A shaky breath left his mouth as he was hit with the realization of what that meant.He could trust the people here. He could trust M’Benga, Kirk, and Spuck, or Spick, or whatever his name was. They weren’t the enemy. They meant what they had said, they wanted to help him.It wasn’t another game, another twisted plot. No stories about war and millions of people dead, the responsibility of preventing even more from dying resting on his head. He was safe. Maybe this time, he would actually learn who he had been.Shivering, he felt his eyes starting to burn, wetness catching in his lashes before it slid down sideways, leaving a wet trail behind and catching in his ears. It tickled, and annoyed he rubbed over his face, destroying every and all pretense of sleep for good. A hand settled on his ankle, squeezing, then was removed just as quickly. Someone coughed, a man, then he heard a soft rustle.“Bo- … Are you alright?”He recognized the voice, although he had heard it only once, and since his attempt of feigning sleep was screwed anyway now, he blinked his eyes open. It took them some time to adjust to the light of the late afternoon or early evening, but then he was met with the sight of a blond, blue-eyed man next to him, perched at the edge of the chair, one of his feet jumping nervously up and down.He had seen him before; he had been one of the two men who had brought him in. “Captain… Kirk?”He was actually quite certain that he remembered the man introducing himself with that name, but he still wanted to check.The man blinked, then slowly moved back in his chair, hands coming to rest on his thighs.“I… Yes. Yes, I’m Captain Kirk. How are you feeling?”He furrowed his brow.“Good. Exhausted.”The captain smiled slightly.“Yeah. Yeah, I can imagine that you are.”There was a moment of silence between them, as if neither knew what to say next. Feeling awkward looking at Kirk while he was still lying on his back, he sat up and raised his pillow against the head of the bed so that he could lean against it.“What are you doing here?”Because it was unusual for the captain of a starship to sit next to the hospital bed of one of his crew members. Right? Or was that usual?Kirk laughed, a comical shrill sound, and rubbed over his thighs, eyes moving to the side. Funny. He hadn’t seemed that insecure when he had threatened him with a phaser, although the captain had certainly lost his footing once he had seen his face.A second later, Kirk had collected himself and looked at him again, eyes more serious than he thought such a simple question demanded.“What did Wildner tell you?”That threw him for a moment. Wetting his dry lips, he murmured, “I… He told me that the story Admiral Henry told me was true. That…”, he cleared his throat, “that they kidnapped me, wanted me to create a serum for them and erased my memories when I wouldn’t do it.”Even telling the facts in as dispassionate a way as possible didn’t mince the pain that welled up in his heart again. Trying to ignore it, he focused on the man opposite him again.“Is that why you are here? You and Henry… you both said I was part of your crew. Are you checking up on me?”He hated how vulnerable he sounded, but what else was he supposed to ask?This time, the laughter was warm, the blue eyes crinkling with relief, and for a moment, he was captivated by them. It was just such an intense color, shining even brighter in contrast to the pale face.“Yes. Yes, I’m here to check on you. Can’t have my ship lose the best CMO in the fleet.”The last was said in a warm and, if he had to guess, teasing tone that somehow gave him the impression that this wasn’t just about checking if he was still able to perform his old job.As Chief Medical Officer. On a fucking starship. Christ, whose stupid idea had that been?Brushing it aside for later contemplation – and it would have to be contemplated because why on earth would he trade good, solid ground against the danger and disease of space travel?! – he asked the next question at the forefront of his mind.“Can you tell me my first name?”The laugh lines disappeared as quickly as they had come, Kirk’s frame suddenly as tense as a bow string.He didn’t know what he had done wrong this time, but frankly, he didn’t care.He certainly wasn’t, couldn’t be Steve anymore. Steve had only been a puppet created by Tyrell and though it had helped to lose himself in this persona, it just didn’t feel right anymore, knowing that it wasn’t real after all.“I know- Wildner told me my last name, and I remember you calling me by it as well when you and the Vulcan found me in the research station. McCoy.”The words felt unfamiliar in his mouth, his lips rounding the o and flattening the y. Kirk flinched at the name but didn’t interrupt him.“But no one- no one used my first name so far. Doctor M’Benga hasn’t called me by any name at all and although I appreciate his caution… It’s not necessary.”He took a deep breath, concentrating his gaze at the blanket covering his lower body.“Wildner… Of the four of them, he was kinda – he was nice. I trusted him. And I can’t live in uncertainty forever. So, despite everything, I’m going to trust him one more time and believe you. You and the others.”He gnawed at his bottom lip, wishing Kirk would have interrupted him and simply answered the damn question.“So. Can you tell me my name?”For a moment, it was silent again, then Kirk softly said, “Leonard. Leonard Horatio McCoy.”He blinked, then grimaced. Horatio? Really?“I don’t feel like a Leonard.”Because the Horatio part could be ignored, nobody introduced themselves with their first and second name anyway. But Leonard didn’t feel quite right either. It still felt – empty.Kirk’s laughter ripped him from his thoughts and confused he looked up at the other man. The captain was leaning back against the back of the chair, one hand on his belly as he laughed wholeheartedly. For a second, he was annoyed but then he felt his irritation soften to something unnamable. Taking in the lines of worry, the tense posture even as Kirk laughed his ass off, he somehow couldn’t begrudge him that. It looked like he hadn’t had much reason to laugh in some time.After a minute or so, Kirk got himself back under control, looking almost upset at himself for laughing.“I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. It’s just – there is a certain irony and I couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry; it won’t happen again.”The captain seemed so remorseful, face twisting into an unhappy frown, and somehow, he felt the need to reassure.“Don’t worry your head about it. Not your fault I can’t remember a damn thing that’s longer than a week ago.”Based on the other’s flinch, it had been the wrong thing to say, but before he could apologize, Kirk asked, “Who do you feel like?”At his frown, he clarified, “You said you don’t feel like a Leonard which I understand. But who do you feel like then? We have to call you by a name eventually.”It was a good point; constantly being referred to as “he”, “you” or “doctor” was getting a bit tiresome.He wasn’t Steve anymore, but he didn’t quite feel like Leonard or Doctor McCoy either. Maybe he could settle for something in the middle for now.“Len. I guess you can call me Len for now.”As if to confirm it for himself, Len nodded.Len. Len felt good, felt right. He could live with being Len. Kirk’s face cracked open, revealing something soft and vulnerable as he simply looked at him for a long time. Just when Len started to feel uncomfortable, the other man nodded, mouth twisting into a lopsided smile.“Alright, Len. Then call me Jim. Since this is not a work setting, being called ‘Captain Kirk’ just makes me feel old.”Len snorted, but before he could answer, the door slid open and M’Benga stepped in who, upon seeing Len being awake, casted a disapproving glance at Kirk. Jim.“Captain. I think I remember asking you to call me if he awakes.”Before Jim could say something, Len said, “It’s alright, Doctor M’Benga. Jim and I were just talking. And he didn’t say anything about my past I didn’t already know.”He paused, then smirked at the other doctor.“I suppose those were your instructions?”Again, there was a short break; people really seemed to be unsure how to react to a joking, teasing amnesiac. But then M’Benga laughed.“Yes, those were my instructions. I apologize for continuing to keep you in the dark, but I didn’t want to upset you anymore than necessary at the beginning. It was already stressful enough.”Len nodded.“Thank you. I – before my talk with Wildner I didn’t really believe anything you told me anyway. At least not fully and without looking for a hidden agenda.”M’Benga regarded him curiously, one eyebrow raised in question.“From your words I take it that this is different now?”Len shrugged.“It – helped, I guess. At least in that sense that I could make a decision who to trust. For now.”The other doctor smiled, the lines next to his eyes smoothing out in relief.“Good. I’m glad to hear that. Is it alright if I call you Leonard then? Or do you prefer Doctor McCoy?”Shooting a quick glance at Jim who had been silent during the exchange, he said, “As I told Ca- Jim here, I don’t really feel like Leonard right now. Maybe Doctor McCoy a bit later but for now I would like to go with Len.”And before the other could say something, Len continued: “When can I go home? I mean, assuming I still have a home?!”He had spent the last week locked up in a windowless station and although he had been upgraded to a room with a view, it still felt like a prison to him. Now that the most pressing question about farce or reality was answered, Len suddenly was desperate to leave. Wanted to walk through San Francisco, explore his apartment or house, his home, in the hope to jostle some of his memories.There had to be a way to get them back.M’Benga managed to look both amused and exasperated by the question.“What is it with patients, who should really know better, always wanting to leave the hospital so early?”As it was clearly a rhetoric question, Len didn’t bother to answer and rather waited for the other man to continue. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jim grin.“Well, physically you are in good enough health to leave. The last brain scan I performed showed further signs of your cells mending, so your headaches should improve as the healing progresses. And mentally… I understand your reason for wanting to see things that were familiar to you in the past, things and places you called home.”Throwing a quick glance at Jim, M’Benga continued with a gentle tone, “But you need to prepare yourself for the fact that it very likely won’t help you remember your past. At least, not immediately. Over time, maybe some of your memories can be restored. Doctor Tyrell herself said that her longest – trial before you lasted for two weeks. Maybe the process will be reversible over time in one way or another. But you need to consider the possibility that this might take years or maybe even can’t be undone at all.”The words hit Len straight in the heart, a punch straight to the chest, pushing the air out of his lungs. Goosebumps rose on his arms as he felt himself going cold at the brutal honesty and he had to look down.Of course, he knew that. M’Benga had just voiced his deepest fear and although he knew that the doctor had to say it, had to make sure he didn’t cling to a false hope which in the end would only do more damage than good, it still left Len shaken. What if that was the case? What if he would never remember his past? His friends, his family? Would they still accept him? Would he have to start from scratch all over again? Could he do that?“Was that really necessary, doctor?”Faintly, he heard Jim’s disapproving voice but before M’Benga could answer, Len jumped in to defend the doctor, voice thick with emotion, “No, he’s right. It wouldn’t do to leave me to false hopes.”Taking a deep breath, Len looked back up at the compassionate face of the doctor.“I know that. I know it won’t be easy and maybe – maybe my memories will never come back. But I at least want to try. And I want to do so from my home.”M’Benga smiled.“Very well. Seeing as you didn’t eat anything since your arrival here and in light of your – reaction towards Wildner, I would like to keep you here at least one more night before I release you into the tender care of Captain Kirk here.”Seeing Len ready a protest, M’Benga quickly continued, “I know you want to go home as soon as possible, but you’re a doctor yourself. You know I can’t release you in good conscience after what happened today and after you basically starved yourself for two days.”Feeling his cheeks burn in indignation, Len countered, “I don’t need a babysitter. I’m sure Captain Kirk has better things to do.”Because whether he remembered it or not, Kirk was still his superior, and the thought of being monitored by him was kind of embarrassing. M’Benga raised an eyebrow, casting a glance over at Jim who shook his head. The doctor sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “Alright, that’s on me. I thought you had already talked about… Captain Kirk wouldn’t be your ‘babysitter’. The two of you were sharing an apartment.”Len blinked, letting the words sink in for a second, before turning to Jim who studied the back of his hands with sudden interest. Quietly he asked, “So, we lived together?”Glancing up, Jim nodded.“Yes. When we – returned after the last mission, we were pretty – occupied with work and didn’t have time to look for flats. Starfleet offered shared housing and so we moved in together.”A soft smile spread over his face as if he remembered something.“We had already shared a room in our last year at Starfleet Academy, so we definitely knew each other’s quirks.”Len starred, taking in this seemingly insignificant information. So, they had lived together more than once. Had been at Starfleet Academy together. But why? Looking at the other man, Len couldn’t help but note the age difference. Not by much but still enough that he would have expected to have finished his education a bit earlier than the captain. Maybe he had started his training later? And why would the captain of a starship agree to house with a subordinate? Wouldn’t that create issues of potential favoritism among a crew?Feeling a headache building at this new series of questions, Len shook his head. Later. There was time for that later. For now, all he wanted was to go home.Looking back at M’Benga, Len asked, “Alright, but tomorrow I can go home?”Smiling, M’Benga nodded. “Depending on how you’re feeling tomorrow, I will discharge you in the afternoon. I would still like to monitor your brain over the next couple of weeks, so I would ask you to come in once a week for a brain scan. Also, I must insist on therapy. Not only to help you deal with your kidnapping and your memory loss, but it might also be beneficial in trying to see if your memories are still there. We will just have to wait and see which developments we can achieve.”Len nodded. The suggestions sounded logical and considering his mental breakdown only two days ago or this morning, he couldn’t deny that therapy might be a good idea.“Alright then. I will set up the discharge papers and bring them back with me tomorrow.”Gesturing towards the door, M’Benga said, “Captain, I think we took up enough of Len’s time. I would suggest we leave him to his rest; Nurse Chapel should also soon be here with an early dinner.”Glancing back at Len, he continued, “You have to make up for lost meals after all.”Based on the look on Jim’s face, the captain was less than happy with being asked to leave. Surprisingly, Len felt a small jab of disappointment as well. He didn’t know anything about Kirk other than that he was his CO, and they certainly had a less than stellar first meeting, but somehow sitting here with him had been calming. Soothing a longing he couldn’t give a name to, hadn’t even been aware of until it had vanished. He didn’t want the other man to go.On the other hand, they had dumped a lot on him in the last couple of minutes. His name, where he lived. And while Len was grateful to finally have gotten information, it felt a bit overwhelming as well.Maybe a bit of solitude couldn’t hurt.So, Len nodded to M’Benga’s suggestion. “Yes, I think I need some time to just… take everything in. Thank you.”Turning towards Jim who had gotten out of the chair by now he said, “And I guess I will see you tomorrow? That is”, suddenly feeling unsure, he backpaddled, “if it is still alright for you that we share an apartment? If you don’t want that anymore now that I’m… I understand, you’re the captain. I can find something else. Or if you have something else to do tomorrow…”Jim was looking at him as if he had lost it and Len felt his cheeks blush. Then the blue eyes of the other softened and he placed his hand on Len’s left ankle. The contact felt oddly reassuring.“Len. Stop talking nonsense. Of course, you’re coming home; it’s your apartment just as much as mine. Hell, your medical journals certainly take up enough space of the living room to proof that.”The tone was teasing, but kind and Len felt the tension drain out of him.He nodded, more as a way to reassure himself than to agree with Jim.“Alright. Then I will see you tomorrow afternoon.”There was a strange look on Jim’s face when he said that, an emotion he couldn’t really name before it was replaced with a kind smile.“Yes. I will see you tomorrow.”With that he followed M’Benga outside, leaving Len to himself.About half an hour later, Chapel entered, carrying a tray with her with enough of what must be an early dinner to feed two rather than just one. Setting it down on the table, she lifted an eyebrow at Len.He really had to hand it to the medical professionals here. They really were skilled in expressing their displeasure or skepticism simply by looking at you.“So, I have been told that you will be eating today?”Her tone was as dry as a desert and how she managed to convey both her displeasure at him not having done so earlier, and her relief that he at least did so now in one single sentence certainly was nothing more than astonishing.Len felt his cheeks heat again. They certainly did that a lot today.“Ahem, yes. Yes, I guess so.”She scowled.“Don’t just guess. Two days are certainly long enough to go without eating anything at all. You’re a doctor, you should know that.”Her facial features derailed for a moment as she faltered at the last words. It was only a momentary lapse, for a second later she straightened, looking at him in a way that allowed no contradiction.“I expect the tray to be empty when I come back.”Not really sure what he had done to be scolded like a toddler, but not really feeling like getting into an argument with the nurse over something as simple as eating his dinner, which he had planned to do anyway now that he had decided to trust that it wasn’t drugged, Len nodded.Chapel looked at him sternly one more time, then turned and left the room.When she arrived an hour later to collect the tray, her eyes softened at the almost empty plates of food. Len really had been hungry, but it had simply been too much.“I’m sorry for the way I talked to you before. I might have been a bit too – outspoken. But I don’t like it when my patients behave like fools. Especially when they should know better.”Warmth flooded his body at her words, amusement mixed with gratitude, and Len smiled. He might not know her, but he got the impression that in a working context, he would appreciate that attitude.“I understand. I’ll make sure to behave a bit more reasonably from now on.”Chapel snorted, her face changing from pained to sad to amused all within a second. Len didn’t know what he had done to warrant the first two.“You do that. You do that.”She starred at him a bit longer, then picked up the tray and, after another brief hesitation, left the room.With her gone, Len was left alone with his thoughts once again. And although he had said before that he wanted solitude, he now felt like being in the company of only his thoughts wasn’t really what he had wanted after all. They were too confusing, too dark. Too painful. He knew that he shouldn’t let the grief and the pain fester, but for now, Len simply didn’t feel like dealing with it.Instead he decided to continue watching the movie series he had started yesterday. He had only managed to watch three of them after all, and there were still three more of the original series. Not to mention all the sequels and prequels. He better got to it now.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Howling ghosts they reappear
In mountains that are stacked with fear
But you're a king and I'm a lionheart…
Of Monsters and Men, “King and Lionheart” “Where the heck are my clothes?”Len knew that the whining tone was more befitting a sulking teenager than a grown-up man in his thirties, but he was sure it was justified. For the last three days he had only been wearing some sort of pajamas and he sure as hell wasn’t going to leave the hospital in that. He wasn’t even going to leave his room in that. It was simply undignified, that’s what it was.Jim snorted and Len glared at him. The captain had arrived half an hour ago, wearing a smile that threatened to split his face in half, blue eyes sparkling with excitement. Len didn’t know if the captain of a starship was always this excited when one of his subordinates was released from the hospital, but it had certainly helped to wipe away the feeling of abandonment and loneliness that had started to form at some point during the night as he had watched the finale of the movie series. Turns out that even if he refused to acknowledge his feelings, they still found a way to weasel their way through his mental barriers – which at this point consisted of tiredly watching the third movie in a row, so maybe not the best defense. “I think M’Benga mentioned that they put the clothes you had on you when we brought you here in the wardrobe, after a run in the laundry.”Len bit back another comment and simply settled for nodding in thanks. He didn’t know what it was in the other man, but he simply felt – at ease with him. Relaxed. Now that he knew that he could trust the people here, the feelings of distrust he had held towards all of them, including Jim, were melting like ice in the heat of summer. Every friendly exchange he had held with Chapel, M’Benga or Jim since his talk with Wildner felt like reassurance that he had chosen right. That this truly was reality, a better one than he had expected. A reality without bombs and millions of people dead, where the fate of a war rested on his shoulders. Just a reality where his captain turned out to be a good enough man to personally care whether his crew was taken care of. Or at least the ones he lived with. Len hadn’t really thought further about that particular information. Just like he hadn’t thought about the fact that nobody had mentioned any worried family members so far.Forcing that thought back into the black box labelled “to-be-contemplated-later/never”, Len got up and walked over to the wardrobe, then stopped awkwardly in front of it when Jim didn’t make a move to get up.“Ahem, do you maybe mind… Could you wait outside while I get changed?”Because even if he liked Jim’s company, he really didn’t fancy changing into his clothes right in front of him.Jim blushed as if he had just come to the same awkward realization. Getting up, he put the chair which he had dragged next to Len’s bed again back towards the table before walking towards the door. “I’ll wait outside for you to get changed.”True enough, his clothes were hanging in the wardrobe, smelling of fresh citrus, and Len quickly slipped into them, feeling much better for finally wearing real clothes again. Afterwards he spared one more glance to look around the room as if to check he hadn’t forgotten anything – although what exactly he was looking for he didn’t know, it wasn’t like he had even been conscious when he arrived here and certainly hadn’t packed a suitcase. Then he took a deep breath, telling the anxiety in his stomach to calm down, and for the first time since his arrival set a foot outside the hospital room.Jim was already waiting for him, the excited grin back on his face. Len felt both soothed by and simultaneously even more anxious because of it. Why was Jim so enthusiastic about his release? It felt as if he expected something of Len, something Len didn’t know how to give. What if his captain decided that he wasn’t worth the time when he couldn’t do his job anymore, couldn’t do whatever Kirk needed him to do? What about any friends or family members? Would they eventually realize that he wasn’t the same man as before and would take their leave?Len was a doctor, that much at least was clear. But apart from that, what did he have to offer to the world?Distantly he felt his teeth clench together tightly as the thoughts tumbled around in his head, nausea gliding through his body like oily slime. He must have starred into space a bit too long for a tentative touch on his right forearm brought him back to the present. Blinking, Len focused on Jim in front of him, excited smile replaced by a concerned frown.“Are you alright? We can- you don’t have to leave if it’s still too early for you. I’m sure you can stay a couple more days here in the hospital, they wouldn’t mind.”Len smiled weakly. He was sure if he just said the word, M’Benga would happily agree to have him stay a bit longer. But while it was tempting to stay in his bubble, in the safe space the hospital room had come to represent a bit longer, he knew objectively that it wouldn’t change a thing. He would always feel anxious about entering the real world and confronting his lost past. If anything, it would probably only get more difficult the longer he waited. So no, staying wasn’t an option. He would just have to grit his teeth and deal with all eventualities as they occurred.“No, it’s fine. It’s just- I haven’t left this room since I’ve come here. Before that I was only at the research station and before that… well, I don’t know what was before that. So, it just feels – strange to see something else and fully realize there is a whole world out there. Not just four walls and a window.”Len laughed quietly.“But I guess there’s no way around that eventually. I will be fine.”Jim didn’t really look convinced, yet he seemed to agree with the sentiment because after a final squeeze to his arm that was probably meant to be reassuring, he stepped back.“Alright then, if you are sure. M’Benga is waiting downstairs for you to sign the discharge papers.”The discharge didn’t take long, M’Benga already scheduling the time and dates when he would come for his brain scans and giving him the number of a psychotherapist whom he should contact to set up an appointment.“And I’ll ask the captain if you really did that.”Len simply nodded, feeling more and more overwhelmed by the minute. The anxiety that had reared its ugly head the moment he had stepped outside his room hadn’t gotten any better, despite his best efforts to relax. On the contrary, the more he took in of his surroundings, the higher his unease rose. They were standing at the reception, designed as a bright, welcoming area and people were constantly coming and going, both patients and medical personnel alike. Especially of the later, Len saw more than one person throw hidden glances at him. Only briefly, clearly not wanting to be caught staring, but nonetheless unable to not look at all.And he supposed it would make sense. He had been – he was a doctor, working for Starfleet, and they were in one of Starfleet’s hospitals. Maybe he had worked here before he had become CMO? Or maybe he worked here between missions? Some of these doctors and nurses might be his colleagues.His gaze drifted to Nurse Chapel, who spoke to another patient just a few meters away, and he remembered her shocked expression when he hadn’t been able to speak to her. Her disapproval when he hadn’t eaten and her relief when he had finally done so. Then he remembered the strong empathy on M’Benga’s face on occasion, how he had felt that the doctor had seemed more emotionally involved than seemed normal for a common doctor – patient relationship. It led to one conclusion and Len was faintly surprised that he hadn’t thought to ask the question sooner. “Did we work together?”He must have interrupted the other because for a moment M’Benga looked completely bewildered before he seemed to catch up.“Yes. Yes, we did.”Hesitatingly, the doctor added, “We worked together on the Enterprise. I stepped in for you as acting CMO after your – disappearance.”Len nodded. He didn’t know what else to say for he was simply taken aback by the realization of people knowing him, apparently working with him, and he couldn’t remember a single one of them. His palms felt clammy as nausea spread through his body. Next to him, he heard Jim ask whether they were finished and after a dismissal by the other doctor, and one last worried glance in his direction, they finally left the building, Jim carefully steering him by the elbow since his body didn’t really feel up to the task of walking by itself.It was around midday when they left, the sun standing high on the sky, its rays carrying the warmth of a late autumn day, the colorful leaves on the trees sparsely lining the path leading to the hospital supporting his initial assumption. The real, unfiltered warmness of the sun felt like a shock to his skin and at its first touch on his face, Len had to stop. Breathing deeply in and out, closing his eyes, he focused on the feeling of sunshine, the sheer, simple joy that welled up inside his chest at the natural light finally caressing his nose, eyes, brow in soothing warmness, making him feel as if he could finally, finally breathe for real. For a moment, he enjoyed the freshness of the air, the quiet murmur of people milling around in a lazy, relaxed way, birds chirping here and there.It was normalcy. It was such a normal situation, Len knew that. Nobody ever stopped to really appreciate something as simple as being outside, enjoying a warm midday, knowing they had nothing to do, simply being present in the moment. It was just a given that it would always be there, so people never consciously thought about it. But Len hadn’t had that for over a week; couldn’t even actively remember the feeling of the sun on his skin, the fresh wind around his nose until he had stepped outside the building. So, for only a second, he was content with simply breathing and taking in his surrounding with all his senses, making sure to store this experience in his memories.When Len opened his eyes again, he found Jim looking at him anxiously. And alright, Len knew he hadn’t given people much reason to have faith in his metal state lately, but he could enjoy the outside without anybody having to mother hen him.“Don’t worry. If I had another mental breakdown coming, you would definitely notice.”Jim was quicker to react to the joke this time, which Len really appreciated. The captain laughed, rubbing the back of his head.“Alright, guess I deserve that. It’s just…”He shrugged, apparently unwilling to continue the statement.“How about we just go home?”Home, as it turned out, was just a fifteen minutes’ walk away from the hospital. In fact, they didn’t even have to leave the campus. His way to work must have been so damn convenient.Their flat was located on the tenth floor of an apartment building. Their walk had been spent mostly in silence, Jim apparently feeling unsure what to say and Len too busy taking in his surroundings to think of anything. It was a quieter area of the campus, designed for staff rather than the study body, or so he assumed at least. There were big patches of green, trees, even a small pond and benches to relax on. Nothing seemed familiar but it was a welcome, almost soothing sight, nonetheless. It certainly looked like a nice spot to live.Entering their flat washed away this brief feeling of calm. Looking at the furniture of the living room, Len realized that despite his reassurance to M’Benga, he had still clung to the hope of recognizing something, anything in here.He didn’t.Not the worn-down sofa in the middle of the room, nor the shelves filled with old fashioned paper books. Not the model of a starship sitting atop a small coffee table.Moving further into the room, Len kept looking around, taking everything in. It could have been anyone’s apartment, really, had it not been for the pictures. On the wall to his left between two doors, assumingly leading to two bedrooms, he spotted picture frames and without conscious thought, he stepped closer to inspect them. The first look already revealed what they were.Memories. Memories of the apartment’s occupants and his brain was already greedily taking everything in before he could consciously decide to do so.There were photographs of Jim and himself at a ceremony, wearing awful red uniforms, but both of them looking proud. There were medals pinned to both their chests, but he didn’t know what they were for. Another picture showed them in front of a fucking floating mountain – and it was a mountain, the thing filled almost the entire background! – Jim grinning excitedly, himself looking rather grumpy. If they had been about to climb the damn rock, Len could sympathize with his past self. Another photo was clearly taken as a snapshot in a bar, neither of them looking into the camera. They appeared to be in deep talk, Jim gesturing wildly, one arm above his head, blue eyes sparkling with excitement even in the still. He himself seemed to regard Jim with fond interest, beer in one hand and gaze focused on the other man. They looked relaxed, carefree. Close.Other pictures displayed people that seemed to be related to either himself or Jim. He recognized a picture of two young boys, blond hair almost golden in the bright sunlight, blue eyes glittering with mischief, one arm over the other’s shoulder. There was another picture of himself at the end of his teenage years he supposed, flanked by a man and a woman, all of them smiling proudly and happily into the camera. He held a diploma in his hand and while he couldn’t read the details, Len could make out the official insignia of a university. His parents. The realization tore through his heart, leaving a burning feeling behind and Len pressed his lips tightly together as he felt an accompanying burn in his eyes. He was pretty sure those were his parents, seeing bits and pieces of their facial expressions in himself, but he didn’t know. Theoretically, they might as well be his uncle or aunt. Len didn’t remember. He didn’t even recognize his own parents and the realization just about brought him to his knees.Later. He wanted to get as much information about himself for now before he would allow himself to process all of it.Finally, his gaze drifted towards the picture in the middle. It must have been taken on the bridge of a starship; at least the big window in the background giving a good view at the nothingness of space seemed to be a good indicator. He recognized Jim in the middle, wearing a golden uniform shirt, grinning from ear to ear. Next to him Len could make out himself, wearing a blue shirt, arms crossed over his chest. His face was frozen between a scowl and a fond smile. For a second, his eyes froze on the image of his past self, as if it would reveal all its secrets if he just stared long enough. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t and so his eyes wandered over the rest of the people displayed there. There was the Vulcan who had been with Jim when they had found Len at the hideout on the other side of the captain. Spuck, no, Spock. Spock looked as impassive and neutral as any Vulcan would on a picture. Or at a birthday party, or a funeral. If there was anything else there other than professionalism, Len couldn’t tell. Next to Spock stood a woman, long black hair tied in a high ponytail, red uniform dress accentuating her slim figure. Her eyes shone happily even as her face wore the same professionalism as the Vulcan next to her, although she had allowed a small smile to grace her lips. On her right was a kid with curly hair, looking barely old enough to be out of high school. His green eyes sparkled with clear excitement and his grin could give Jim a run for his money. Len moved back to the other side of the picture. Next to himself stood a young man, black hair falling into his face, wearing the same golden shirt as Jim and the young kid. His smile was simple, but happy, tearing the line between professionalism and the overflowing excitement Jim was showing. And finally, there was a man in red uniform, light hair already thinning a bit, grinning proudly while one of his hands held a wrench or something similar.In their own way, all of these people looked happy to be there. To Len, it just felt like the next punch he hadn’t seen coming. He was on the picture with them and despite the scowl, he could see that his past self was content to be there. This was the crew M’Benga had talked about in the hospital, his colleagues who had been looking for him. Maybe even his friends. And just like his parents, just like the doctors and nurses in the hospital, he didn’t remember a single one of them.“Are you alright?”Len flinched, having momentarily forgotten that Jim was still there, and tore his eyes away from the collection of happy memories. Jim had waited next to the front door, arms rising in a non-threatening way when Len turned towards him.“I…”Coughing to clear his voice of the sudden roughness, Len glanced back at the picture of him and Jim in the bar. There was so much he didn’t know, so many people, so many relationships he didn’t remember, but at least he could get an answer to one of them right now.“What were we? To each other? Apart from captain and CMO… what were we?”This time it was Jim who flinched as he wasn’t quick enough to hide the pain that flew over his face at the question, clearly struggling to contain it as he avoided Len’s stare, face looking at the ground. It did nothing to soothe Len’s strained nerves. After a seeming eternity, but probably only after one or two heartbeats, Jim brushed a hand through his hair, then took a deep breath and looked back up at Len. The pain was still in his eyes, even if his face tried to remain stoic.“Friends. We were… we were best friends. Since our time at the Academy.”There was more in the way he said it, a hint of something that pointed at a closer relationship than the term “friend” could ever compass, something closer to family.It was abruptly too much to deal with for Len.He cleared his throat, letting his gaze wander over the furniture, looking for something to distract him.His rumbling stomach provided the perfect excuse.“I- ahem- do we have something to eat? I’m actually getting kinda hungry. Should have waited for lunch at the hospital, I guess, before leaving.”Len purposefully didn’t look in Jim’s direction, feeling his skin prickle under the other’s gaze while he moved over to the small kitchenette.“Mmm, not really. I didn’t really – live here the last week. Stayed with – friends.”The slow manner in which Jim was speaking, the short breaks in between indicated that he clearly filtered what he was saying to not give Len any more information than he asked for. It was both infuriating and considerate.“The food replicator broke two weeks ago and we – I didn’t get around to have it fixed yet. I – I can order us something. And tomorrow we can go grocery shopping.”It was a logical suggestion. Yet somehow, even that small decision increased his heartbeat even more, his anxiety climbing even higher. Feeling his palms get sweaty again, he wiped them off on his trousers.“Len?”The worry in Jim’s voice almost undid him, but he forced his emotions down. Len just needed some time alone to deal with everything, to get himself back under control. He only needed some time alone, then he would be fine.“Yes. Yes, sounds good. Could you maybe”, Len blushed, feeling guilty for asking Jim to leave his own freaking apartment, but he just needed the other gone, “could you maybe go and get it though?”Len coughed, still not able to look at Jim.“I – I just need some time to digest – everything.”He laughed, the sound sounding humorless even to his own ears.“I know, ironic, considering I just had days mostly to myself but I just – being here is so… different than I expected.”Finally, Len forced himself to look at Jim, regretting it a second later. Jim gave the expression “looking like a kicked puppy” a whole new meaning.“Len, I don’t… I don’t know if that’s a good idea. M’Benga said…”The stammering excuse suddenly felt like a fuse to the simmering anger he hadn’t even been aware of. Anger at what had been done to him, anger about all the people that had been taken from him by destroying his memories of them, and it needed an outlet. Jim’s stutter provided the perfect excuse as Len bristled at the implication. “I’m not a toddler, Jim. Despite what all of you seem to believe, I can take fucking care of myself! I don’t need someone to hold my hand all the time, especially not in my own apartment!”Jim flinched at his outburst and Len immediately felt guilty about it, the anger leaving as quickly as it had flared up. The entire situation couldn’t be easy on Jim either. The man had just admitted that they had been close friends. Best friends. It had to be hard to look at a friend’s face but find a stranger starring back.Len swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat. Whatever he did, he just couldn’t be good enough. Not the doctor Tyrell had wanted him to be, not the friend Jim clearly still craved him to be. For now, he was trapped in the limbus in between and Len hated it.He needed more information. If he ever wanted to be able to build on the life he had led, Len needed to learn more about his past, more than what Jim and M’Benga had been ready to carefully disclose.“I’m sorry Jim. That was uncalled for. I know this must be … difficult for you too. To suddenly live with someone who can’t even remember where we stow the towels.”His lips twitched but other than that, Jim still simply looked sad. Incredibly sad. And even without really knowing the other man, Len hated that he was the reason for that.“It’s just… I just need some time to get my head straight. To get familiar with the apartment. And doing it while you’re watching me is just – awkward.”Len swallowed, his throat feeling tight.“I’m sorry.”For a moment, Jim didn’t say anything as he kept starring at Len, hopefully thinking about what he had said. The he sighed, shoulders dropping.“You don’t need to apologize. I get what you mean. Guess I wouldn’t like being watched all the time either.”Gnawing at his bottom lip, he finally managed a small smile.“I can go to get takeout if it makes you feel better. Should give you some time to just have a look around.”His smile became more honest as he said, “The towels are underneath the sink in the bathroom, by the way.”Len laughed, sounding relieved to his own ears. “Thanks. That’s good to know.”There was a brief moment in which the silence between them threatened to become awkward again as Jim didn’t make a move to leave. Finally, he sighed and turned towards the door. “Did you have anything specific in mind you wanted to try?”Considering that he had no idea what he liked or not, Len didn’t particularly care what they ate. “Surprise me; it’s not like I would know what my favorite cuisine is after all.” He hesitated briefly, then added, “Although maybe you could avoid anything with coconut? Don’t really feel like trying that right now.”Jim nodded, already almost through the door. Just before he stepped outside the range of the sensor, he paused, turning back halfway as if he had just thought of something.“Your room is the one on the left. In case you already want to have a look.”Len nodded, feeling both excitement and tension rise in his gut at the mention of his own room. “Thanks.”“Len?”Jim’s voice sounded thin, lacking any of the steady confidence he had displayed so far. Instead, he seemed unsure, lost. It was unsettling.“Yes, Jim?”“You will be here when I’m back, right? You’re not going to leave while I’m gone?”There was so much insecurity, so much barely concealed fear in that question that for a moment, it literally took his breath away. Jim sounded honestly worried, scared that if he only blinked too long, Len would be gone again. It told him a lot about the kind of friendship they must have had before all of this and lead to even more questions. How had they gotten so close? Why would Jim care so much about him? Because that he cared was so painfully obvious in the way he had asked, it had to be the truth. Either that or he was a brilliant actor.Len coughed, trying to get rid of the lump that seemed to be permanently lodged in his throat.“No, Jim. I’m not going to leave, I promise. I’m still going to be here when you come back.”He could almost see the tension leave Jim’s body and Len breathed easier for it as well. Trying for a joke, he said, “Hell, if it makes you feel better, you can also lock the door, just to make sure I don’t go on my merry way.”Based on the violent flinch, it had been the entirely wrong thing to say. Jim wheeled around, face a mixture of horror and repulsion.“The fuck, why would I…?! No”, Jim shook his head, eyes shining fiercely, “no, I would never lock you in our apartment. I’m not them and…I trust you, Len.”The ferocity of Jim’s response took him somewhat aback. It had been meant as a joke but apparently, he had hit a nerve. But still, somewhere deep down it was reassuring to see this reaction and to hear the words. To the part of him that was still doubting, still questioning everyone’s motives, it was a soothing balm. Slowly, Len nodded.“Alright. I – I was only joking, you know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”Sighing, Jim’s eyes drifted down, looking at the floor in what looked a lot like guilt.“Yeah, alright. Guess I’m still a bit – sensitive myself about all of this. Sorry about the outburst.”Before Len could respond to that, the other shrugged and said, “I’ll go get the food”, moving outside the sensor’s range to let the door slide shut behind him.The silence felt almost stifling in its suddenness and self-consciously, Len coughed just to disrupt it. Then he moved around the small kitchenette towards one of the rooms. The one Jim had said was his own. Stopping just in front of it, Len took a steadying breath, trying to calm the nervousness spiking in his veins and gut as he looked at the silver color. Then he entered.The first thing his eyes fell on was the bed standing on the right side of the wall, a quilt in dark green thrown over it. On the opposite side stood an old-fashioned wardrobe, a full body length mirror covering half of its side. A bookshelf with real paper books filled the rest of this side of the room, a human skeleton in the corner next to it, an old-fashioned stethoscope hanging around its bony shoulders. The walls were in creamy white, reflecting the incidental light of the sun streaming through the window above a meticulously clean desk in a warm, yellow manner.It all looked unpretentious but not unwelcoming. More as if the inhabitant of the room simply hadn’t had the time or patience to decorate the room in a more personal manner, but clearly having made the effort to put at least a minimum of personal touch there by placing the skeleton in the corner. Frankly, it didn’t tell Len anything more than what he had already known, namely that he was a doctor. Feeling frustration replace nervousness, Len moved further into the room, sweeping a more thorough glance around the room. Maybe he had missed something. There had to be more, something that could finally give him some answers.And he found something.On one of the shelves of the bookcase, he spotted a flat disc, easily overlooked at first glance due to the thick books towering over it. It was a PADD and Len felt his heart speed up at the realization. He hadn’t had access to a PADD since he woke up in the research station. Tyrell and the others clearly didn’t want him to get any information that would contradict their story, and M’Benga so far had been adamant in his opinion that Len would only get the pieces of his past that he asked about in an effort not to overwhelm him. Which meant that he didn’t get access to any PADD either that would allow him to do some independent research. And while he knew that the doctor had only his best interest at heart, it was nonetheless frustrating.But the PADD was lying here now. They must have forgotten to check his room for one or maybe they had overlooked it. It didn’t really matter. All he cared about was that he could finally start to dig deeper, unearth some of the secrets he just knew M’Benga and Kirk were still trying to hide from him. Grasping the PADD with almost shaking hands, Len sat down on the bed. Considering that the device had been lying in his room, maybe it even held some more personal information than just a general sweep of the public archives of the Federation and Starfleet would have provided.Trying to squeeze down the nervous excitement pulsing through him in electrifying waves, Len powered up the PADD and opened the first file he found.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And in the sea that's painted black
Creatures lurk below the deck
But you're a king and I'm a lionheart…
Jim tapped his foot, eying the line in front of him with disgust. Who would have thought so many people fancied a Southern dish for a Friday lunch?Admittedly, Jim could have just gone to another restaurant or food stand when he had seen the queue of people waiting to order. It wasn’t like there was a tragic shortage of food options in San Francisco. But he had been determined to bring his friend some comfort food and even though he didn’t remember his childhood and youth in Georgia, Jim still hoped that the meal would do the trick and conjure some positive feelings at least.They could use some positivity.Taking a step forward as he got closer to his goal, namely the counter, he recalled his encounters with Bones. Len. God, he really had to start calling him that in his head too or he would slip up again. And he didn’t think that Len would react well to yet another name.Len.It still sent a spark of excitement through his body whenever he thought about this choice of a nickname. It was Len, not Leo. And while admittedly the chance had been fifty-fifty for either name if he only decided to stick to his original name, it still meant something to Jim. Because everybody else who had gotten close enough to Bones to dare give him a nickname had gone with Leo. And as far as Jim knew, even his family had referred to him as Leo. Jim was the only one who had called him Len and even then, he had only done it a couple of times, when Bones simply hadn’t been enough to carry the amount of gratitude or worry he wanted to convey. Like when he had thanked Bones for saving his life, sitting at the doctor’s bed in the hospital, or when they had that disastrous run in with the natives that left half of the landing crew dead and the other half barely clinging to their life, with Bones scarcely sleeping in an effort to save all of them, considering every additional death a personal failure.And maybe it didn’t mean anything that Bones had decided to go with that nickname for now, but somehow Jim couldn’t stop his traitorous heart from hoping. Hoping that there was indeed a deeper reason for it, some bits and pieces of his past still clinging to his mind. Something they could try to restore.Jim shook his head, taking another step closer to the counter. In the end, it didn’t really matter why Bones had chosen that name, even if there were some leftovers of his memories. The majority of them was still gone. And based on the talks with his friend, it didn’t seem likely that they would come back any time soon.Another step closer. It was frightening, seeing his friend look at him without any recognition, speaking to him as if they hadn’t shared everything between each other. Jim thought he had been prepared for it, especially after the situation during Bones’ rescue, but the reality was so much worse. It just about broke Jim’s heart.Another step closer. But at the same time, Jim realized that he was egoistic. Of course, it was frightening for him, but it had to be downright terrifying for Bones. He had seen it in the other’s eyes when he had contemplated the pictures of their friends and families. The complete devastation that they were all strangers to him now. Just like their apartment, their home must have been as foreign and new to him as any other place would have been.One more step closer. And still, Jim couldn’t help himself but feel a small glimmer of hope as well. The way they spoke with each other, the way Bones, even as Len, couldn’t help his sarcastic comments. He wasn’t as grumpy, as vocal in his opinion, but some mannerisms still reminded Jim of the man he had called best friend. And for that reason, he dared to hope that maybe, Bones’ memories would return. Or if they didn’t, that he could at least form a new friendship with the man that had taken his place, a friendship that over time could become as strong as the old one.As Shakespeare had said, ‘The miserable have no other medicine but only hope’. And you couldn’t argue with a centuries-long dead writer of his genius. Especially on the topic of hope.A gentle touch to his shoulder brought Jim back to the present. Blinking in confusion, he realized that he must have been in thought too long, for it was finally his turn to order. Feeling his cheeks heat, he stepped to the next available automat and made his order.No fifteen minutes later saw Jim finally on his way home, the bag with their food held tightly in his right hand. It wasn’t a far walk back to the campus, Jim hadn’t wanted to venture too far and leave Bones alone for long, even though queuing had taken longer than expected. Thinking of his question before he had left, Jim felt embarrassment bubble in his chest. It had been such a childish inquiry, but he hadn’t been able to stop himself. The thought of leaving Bones out of his sight, now that he was out of the hospital where no one could keep an eye on him anymore, had pierced him with such sudden dread, he just had to ask. The last time Bones had left their apartment, he had only gone for work and never come back. He still wasn’t back, not his mind at least. So yes, the thought of leaving his friend left him with a feeling of icy fear. Still, the question had been a kneejerk reaction, he knew that, and he couldn’t ask that every time one of them left their flat. But considering that it was still the first day of Bones – Len being back home, Jim hoped he could be forgiven.Sighing, Jim typed in the code to their building, the door opening with a quiet beep. He really needed to stop thinking of the man up in their apartment as Bones. It wasn’t Bones and it would probably be best to start considering them as two different people. Len didn’t have all the past memories of their friendship, all those years of knowledge about Jim’s quirks. Len had only known Jim for roughly twenty-four hours, too early to have formed any real opinion on their relationship. And Jim had to start seeing him like that.The living room was empty when he finally entered their flat, and although his heart settled somewhere in his throat at the absence of his friend, Jim immediately scolded himself for it. Len had probably gone to his room; it was the first place Jim himself would check out if he had forgotten his life and wanted to learn more about his past. Placing the food on the counter separating the living room from the kitchenette, Jim shrugged out of his worn-out leather jacket and threw it over the back of the couch, then stood in front of his friend’s door in indecision. It was ridiculous. Jim and Bones had never had any boundaries between them, mostly because Jim had never respected them anyway and Bones had simply stopped trying to teach him after the first semester, so under normal circumstances, he would have just stormed in there, not even bothering to knock. Yet with Len it was different. Len didn’t know Jim, didn’t trust him yet, so it was unclear whether he would react with as much patience as Bones had in the beginning of their friendship.Gently, Jim rapped at the door. There was a muffled thud on the other side, followed by a quiet curse. Before Jim could get worried, the door in front of him swished open. Hesitantly, he stepped in. Jim hadn’t been in Bones’ room since that day a bit more than a week ago – and how could it only be a week since his life changed entirely? It felt more like a year for all that had happened in those days. Nothing looked different to the last time he had been in here, the morning he had checked the room and assumed his friend had already left for work. At this point, Bones had already been missing for at least eight to nine hours. Shame and guilt gnawed at his gut at the thought. Logically – and Jim could just hear Spock saying it – he knew that it wouldn’t have changed a thing, that even if they had discovered Bones’ disappearance in the morning rather than in the afternoon it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. But stepping into this space, seeing the skeleton in the corner, with the historic stethoscope Bones had gotten from his father as a gift for his early and distinguished graduation from university, felt like another small dagger to his heart that he hadn’t seen coming.Forcing his eyes away from the corner, Jim’s gaze came to rest on Len. The other man was sitting on the bed, a PADD lying on the floor next to it. Seeing the device froze Jim in his steps and for a second, his heart stopped. M’Benga had insisted that Len shouldn’t have a PADD yet, that giving him the option to read everything about himself within minutes would simply overwhelm him. It would be better to let him learn things about his past on his own pace and in small chunks rather than a tsunami of impressions. Jim remembered that talk, remembered agreeing. Remembered checking the apartment for any PADDs his friend could easily have access to. And he remembered that he hadn’t checked in here because he had been in a damn hurry to get back to the hospital and because the thought of entering the room had still hurt too much.And of course, that’s where Bones’ old personal PADD had been lying. Of fucking course. Based on the way the other man was sitting, it was too much to hope that he hadn’t read anything of the files that must be stored there.Taking in Len’s posture, Jim’s heart pretty much plumped to his feet. Legs drawn to his chest, head resting on his knees, face hidden from Jim’s view, Len simply looked defeated.“Len?”His voice sounded loud to his own ears in the quietness of the room, so he wasn’t surprised to see the small flinch of Len’s shoulders.“Are you alright?”It was a lame question considering Len’s entire posture screamed the exact opposite but right now, Jim didn’t know what else to say to assess the situation.There was a sigh from the general location of Len’s head, his legs drawing in a bit tighter. After a breath or two, he turned his head sideways, red rimmed eyes focusing on Jim. His cheeks were blotchy, tear tracks clearly visible as they had made their path down his face. Jim found he had breathed easier after a punch in the gut from a particularly angry Klingon than in this moment. He had really thought he had gone through all emotional spectrums during the last week but seeing Len cry over whatever he must have found out made him physically ache for his best friend. Slowly, Jim moved closer to the bed and, upon hearing no objection, finally set down on the edge, making sure to still leave enough space between them to not crowd the other.“What’s wrong? I mean”, he hastily added, “apart from the obvious. What happened while I was gone? I fully expected you to have hoarded all the towels for yourself by now.”It was a weak joke, admittedly, so Jim felt gratified that Len’s mouth twitched at least a little bit.“Yeah. Sorry to disappoint. Got distracted.”His voice sounded hoarse, but Jim took the opening. Pointing at the PADD on the floor with his head, he asked, “You wanna tell me what you found?”For a moment, he really thought Len would deny that anything was wrong. He might not have his memories, but the body language was still unmistakably Bones and the look on his face clearly spoke volumes, weighing the decision if he could get away with a distraction. Seeing Jim’s raised eyebrow, Len apparently thought better of it, shoulders sacking even more.“Nothing you don’t know about, don’t you? Captain?”The title was said without heat, but Jim was still surprised by its use. Had there been anything that could have made Len angry towards him?Before he could say anything, Len continued, “Why do you even bother with me? As a captain – I saw my achievements. I was – I was really good. That spinal surgery on Admiral Pike, the research… I know it’s sounds like I’m bragging but I understand why I would be posted on the flagship; just by having a look at the commanding crew I would say it’s a band of overachievers.”There were traces of a faint smirk in his voice as he said the last part, but the dejection wouldn’t leave his frame.“But now – I’m not sure my current knowledge can compete with that. I – I don’t think I can be that – inventive again. Something’s missing. And without that – I don’t think I’m still worth my position on the Fleet’s flagship.”His voice broke on the last word and Len closed his eyes, turning his face further into his knees as if to hide.Jim honestly didn’t know what to say. Because yes, his crew consisted only of the best in their field and it had never been doubted that Dr. McCoy was among the best in the medical area, but that had never been the reason why Jim had selected him as his CMO. Professionally, it had never been questioned whether Bones was the right one for the position, yes, but most importantly, Jim couldn’t have imagined anyone else up there with him, making sure Jim lived to see another day after another reckless stunt. It had always been Bones who had done it at the academy, and it would always be Bones on the Enterprise. Just the thought of someone else taking his friend’s spot simply felt wrong.Jim took a shuddering breath. Of course, objectively, Len was right. Even if his medical knowledge was untouched from the intrusion, there was no telling how the change of personality would affect his ability as a medical researcher. It might very well be that he wouldn’t be as successful as before. But it was simply too early to tell and more importantly, it certainly wouldn’t help the situation to point that out.“Len, I – I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, you’re right,” Jim huffed a faint laugh, “you were incredibly good at your job. Not that I got the faintest clue about medicine but the way I had to fight with other captains and outdo other lucrative research opportunities to get you for my ship was a pretty good give-away. But that’s only what justified you taking the job in front of the admiralty.”Jim looked over to the desk, feeling too exposed to look at his friend as he continued, “It has never been about any qualifications between us. It wanted you as my CMO because you were the best AND because I knew you. I knew I could trust you and you might not know that now, but that was damn important to me. To know I had someone I could trust completely, who I could always rely on to call me out on my shit. That’s what qualified you as CMO.”For a heartbeat it was silent as Jim let the words sink in, hoping that he had conveyed some reassurance that he wouldn’t simply dump Len on his ass because of his temporary lack of expertise and ignoring the flashes of hot and cold that rushed up and down his spine.“So, I’m even more useless than I thought.”The words were barely above a whisper, but they made Jim turn back to his friend quickly.“What?!”How had he managed to make the situation even worse?“You said I was qualified because you trusted me, because you relied on my judgment. But I can’t do that anymore, and you can’t know if you trust me because I’m just not the same person anymore, am I right? So, in the end, even if all I know is medicine, I don’t even have that.”Jim felt the blood drain from his face at the words, because that wasn’t what he meant, but before he could say anything to correct his friend, Len continued, “Not that it matters, really. There is no one left anyway.”This really felt like a beating, Jim just didn’t know where all the punches were coming from.“What?”It was more a croak than a normal sound, but Jim was too busy trying to remain calm to really care about that.Len just stared at him, a tear slowly running down the side of his face.“I said there is no one. My grandparents died two weeks apart while I was away in space last year. My parents are dead and apparently, I even lent a helping hand to my father. I’ve got an ex-wife. I failed my marriage when I was just 27 and I must have been such a terrible person that she literally got everything in the divorce.”More tears ran down his face as Len laughed, a harsh sound that was painful to listen too.“Ever since I woke up in that thrice damned research station without a memory, I had wondered who I was besides a doctor. Turns out there wasn’t much to forget after all. I was just an asshole who happened to be good at medicine and who managed to kill or chase away everyone else in my life. And now I don’t even have medicine.”By now the tears were constantly streaming down his cheeks and as if he had just become aware of it, Len buried his face back in his knees, hiding from Jim.Jim was stunned. For once in his life he was completely speechless. This assessment was so completely askew from the image he had of the man sitting in front of him, he needed a minute to gather his thoughts and digest what Len had said. M’Benga had said that learning everything about his old life too quickly would be overwhelming. Based on what he had just heard Jim considered that an understatement.Honestly, it was heartbreaking. Because yes, on paper it might look like Bones had no one left, but that simply wasn’t true. They had both found a new family in their friends on the Enterprise and with each other and while Jim knew the loss of his last remaining grandparents had hit his friend hard, it also hadn’t been surprising considering their age. The assisted death of his father still haunted his friend, but Jim was no stranger to daddy-issues himself, and they had helped each other circumvent these sharp cliffs to finally reach safer, more peaceful waters. And yes, the divorce from Jocelyn had been brutal but it had happened mostly due to the devastating grief and spiral of self-destruction Bones had fallen into after his father’s death and the discovery of a cure only a month later, so he certainly hadn’t been himself during that time. It just wasn’t as black and white as it appeared on paper, but Jim wasn’t sure how to voice all of that in a way that would convince the stranger sitting in front of him.Carefully, as one would do with a spooked animal, Jim placed a hand on Len’s shoulder. He didn’t know how well it would be received but regardless of what he would say, he needed to give comfort. Seeing his friend in so much obvious emotional distress created a pull in his chest, demanding that he relieve some of the pain. Unsurprisingly, there was another flinch but since his hand wasn’t shrugged off, Jim felt more encouraged to move closer. Up close, he could sense his friend shaking, silent sobs rattling his frame, yet it was clear that he tried to keep every sound in.It was too much to look at and gently, slowly, Jim wrapped his arms around his friend, pulling him closer. He felt the other man stiffen, clearly unsure how to react to the proximity but as Jim continued to hold him and rub small circles on his back, Len incrementally relaxed against him, arms falling away from where they had closed around his legs to allow himself to press more closely to Jim.They sat like that for a long time. At some point, Jim had picked up a litany of soothing words, not even fully aware of what he was saying.“It’s alright, Len, ‘s alright… I’ve got you, you’re not alone. I know on paper these facts can look bad but you’re so much more… you still have friends, you still got family, you’re my best friend, I’m not going to leave you, no one is, we are all here for you, we care… You’re not alone, I promise you, you’re not alone, we’ll figure this out, together, I promise you, we’ll figure this out.”Jim kept up the stream of reassurances, his hand steadily rubbing circles on his friend’s back until finally, he felt the remaining tension leave, Len fully relaxing against him as he pressed his face into Jim’s chest, arms coming around his back. First weakly, then gripping tighter and tighter by the second until he seemed to cling to Jim for dear life. The wet spot in his shirt kept growing as the tears kept coming, violent sobs tearing themselves from his friend’s throat who seemed to be incapable to hold them in any longer.Jim didn’t mind. If anything, he tightened his embrace even more. M’Benga had warned him that an emotional breakdown might come once Len left the security and neutrality of the hospital behind. And in a way, it made sense. From what he had heard, Len hadn’t grieved for what he had lost, not really. There had been violent attacks and the retreat into his own mind, but nothing like this. No crying, no mourning the life that had been taken from him. And Jim was no expert, but he was sure that after something like this at least one good round of crying was almost mandatory.Looked like they had come to this point.He didn’t know how long they sat like this. At one point, Jim had moved them a bit further up the bed so that he could lean a bit more comfortably against the wall, but other than that they hadn’t changed their position. Len had cried for a long time, the sobs occasionally interrupted by a strangled “why?”. Jim had been incapable of answering that. So, he had settled for holding, for comforting and for keeping up a soothing stream of words, his own face resting against Len’s head.Eventually, the sobs died down, the stream of tears finally receding to single drops. Jim didn’t move a muscle, staying silent but keeping up the steadying circles.“I’m sorry.”Len’s voice was raspy, muffled from where he was still pressed against Jim.“Don’t be.”Before Len could ready a protest, Jim continued, “I meant what I said. You’re my best friend. The fact that you don’t have the memories as a proof doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t change anything, for me at least. As long as you want me, I’ll be with you.”Moving his right hand to cup Len’s nape and starting to rub small circles with his thumb there, he murmured, “You don’t have to go through this alone, Len. You have friends here. We’ll help you through this, no matter what it takes.”He felt Len sigh against him, warm breath tickling softly against his collarbone.“Thank you, Jim. I – thank you.”Jim nodded, his throat feeling too tight to say anything.They stayed silent for some time, not yet separating from each other. Jim had a feeling that they both needed the physical contact right now.Another sigh.“Tyrell was right, wasn’t she?”Jim blinked.“What?”Quietly, Len said, “She said I had created a serum that had raised someone from death. And when I looked at my Starfleet file – something happened on the Enterprise on our last mission. I didn’t look into the details, but I remember reading that I had to go to several meetings, that I was accused of exactly the thing Tyrell said I had done. What she had wanted me to do.”Jim felt his heart speed up at the words, apprehension building in his gut and feeling almost disoriented with the sudden change of topic. He didn’t know where Len was going with this, but he had a feeling he wouldn’t like it.“Tyrell said I had done it to resurrect my father. Only that’s not possible because my father died years ago and he’s still dead. Yet the Starfleet files about this incident claim that all I had done on the Enterprise was resuscitate the captain who had climbed into the warp core to safe the ship from crashing into San Francisco and treat him for radiation poisoning.”Jim’s arms hands had stopped moving and he swore his heartbeat had to be audible in the entire room for how loud it was throbbing in his chest.“Only I’m sure that no one could survive climbing into a radioactive warp core. The radiation is simply too strong, the cells would be breaking apart too quickly for a doctor to stop it. Death is inevitable. So, the only conclusion I can come up with is that I had indeed created such a serum and that it was later decided to keep it secret. Which considering what Tyrell’s plans had been was probably a good idea.”Len stopped and Jim felt him wetting his lips from where he was still pressed against him, before he said quietly, “So yes, Tyrell has been right. I created a cure for death. It just hadn’t been for my father. It was for you.”Jim didn’t know why the realization left him feeling hot and cold alternately, his face suddenly glowing like an oven. All he knew was that somehow, he felt like he was standing in front of a cliff and not sure in which direction the scale would tip.“What I don’t understand is how I was able to do it. I mean, I tried in the research station, I really tried. The way Tyrell and the others talked about it, the world really sounded like it was in a dire situation and there had been so much death, so I really wanted to help them. But I couldn’t. I looked at the blood sample Tyrell had given me but even with her help I wasn’t able to figure it out. And yet I had done it before. I broke my oath by playing at God, I committed an ethical violation. For you. And I don’t understand how I was able to do it and why I would go this far for a single man.”Len didn’t sound angry or accusing. He simply sounded confused.“I get that you’re saying that we were best friends and I believe you, really. It’s just – god, Jim, please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m glad that you’re alive even without really knowing you, I’m glad my past self managed to safe you, but I just can’t comprehend… how deep was that friendship for me to completely ignore my oath and temper with the line between life and death? Because even if I barely know you, I like you, Jim, but – I just don’t understand. Why I would go this far.”Jim had wondered the same. In the days after his resurrection, especially when sitting next to his friend who had put himself into the hospital for Jim’s sake, he had asked himself the question repeatedly. Why would anyone go this far for him? Back then, he had finally attributed it to them being as close as brothers and hopelessly codependent. Now, with Spock’s words from only two days ago still ringing in his ears and Len scrutinizing the depths of their friendship, he was hit with a thought he had forcibly refused to contemplate when Spock had first addressed the issue.What if Spock had been right? What if even back then, Bones had felt more for Jim than friendship, however unaware he himself had been about his own feelings? Because confronted with all these facts, it seemed like the only plausible solution, the only factor that had changed. Bones had been able to do the impossible because it had been for Jim, whose survival surely wasn’t as important as the chance of preventing possibly millions more from dying by resurrecting one admiral. And yet Steve had been unable to do the trick. Because he hadn’t remembered Jim. His possible feelings for Jim.A hand of iron had wrapped itself around his lungs, his heart in the last couple of minutes, steadily increasing its pressure. His view was tunneling as Jim felt himself starting to shake.Distantly, Jim thought that he should leave, that he should come up with some lame excuse, anything, because he had no right to fall apart in front of Len. He was supposed to be his pillar in the chaos, his support. He couldn’t break down himself. Yet that was only a small voice, growing quieter and quieter as a sea of panic flooded his mind, his lungs somehow struggling to take in enough air as if he were really fighting against incoming waves leaping over his face.Bones might have had romantic feelings for him. And he had lost that before he had even known about it.“I’m sorry.”The words tore through the frenzy in his mind, out of his mouth. At some point, Len must have detangled himself from Jim because his face was suddenly hovering in front of him, brow furrowed in concern, and Jim felt a hysterical laugh bubble up in his chest.“I’m sorry, I don’t… I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s just…. I wondered, wondered the same, why you would do that for me, and I just thought… I thought we were friends, just friends, best friends and I… I didn’t know.”Jim was bubbling, he knew it, but he couldn’t stop the words flowing from his mouth as he kept saying “I didn’t know, god, I’m sorry, I didn’t know, didn’t know” as if it would somehow change anything.At first, Len simply kept looking at him, his eyebrows rising higher and higher as his face pinched more and more with worry the longer Jim talked until finally, he must have had enough. In a surreal role reversal, he moved back in, his arms coming back up behind Jim’s back, yet this time it was clearly him holding and Jim clinging to him as, for the hopefully last time, his emotions overwhelmed him, that final ounce of grief at the realization what exactly he had lost breaking through the fragile walls of self-control, finding its way to the surface in the form of mumbled apologies and tears running down his cheeks.Len didn’t say a word, simply holding Jim, mimicking the gentle movements of reassurance but otherwise remaining quiet. Jim wished he could read his mind, wanted to know if he made everything worse by letting Len be witness of this emotional breakdown but he couldn’t help himself. The tears, the words just kept coming and so they stayed like that, holding each other, neither of them knowing how to make this better.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marchin' on
One Republic, “Marchin’ On” Although it was only the early afternoon, they must have fallen asleep eventually, still clinging to each other, tears painting both their faces, for the next thing Jim really became aware of was the yellowish-golden light of the early evening bathing the room in its warm colors. Blinking to get rid of the remnants of sleep still numbing his mind and making his eyes heavy, he tried to move as little as possible. Len was still holding him, his arms lax as they rested on his waist and underneath his ribcage. Which, yes, now that he became aware of it, was a little bit uncomfortable but Jim couldn’t be bothered to care, instead mesmerized by his friend’s face. His breaths were still coming evenly, his features more relaxed than Jim had ever seen when his friend was awake, the almost permanent scowl replaced by softness. His heart squeezed painfully as the thought popped up that he could have had that every morning, but Jim shoved it aside. It didn’t matter what could have been. No one could change the past, what happened could not be undone and regardless of whether Bones had had feelings for him before, the man opposite him now barely knew Jim, even if he had come to slowly trust him.Jim allowed himself a small smile at the thought. Len had said he liked him and that was the best start to build a new friendship. And that was all he could hope for now. Rebuilding their friendship. Len had lost too much and a romantic relationship was simply not an option at the moment. There would be too many expectations on both sides, the shadow of Jim-and-Bones hanging over Jim-and-Len and he had the sinking feeling that this would eventually drive them apart. It would already create tension in their new friendship; even without a psych diploma, Jim could see how the lost memories would eventually come to haunt them. But a friendship would be better equipped to withstand that test than a new and still fragile relationship.And so, Jim forced the feelings of longing, of want back into a small box, locking it, yet keeping its key close to his heart. Still, he continued to lie motionlessly, not wanting to wake his friend and selfishly wanting to enjoy the one and only time he could have this closeness a bit longer.Eventually, Len started to stir. Jim ignored the flash of disappointment rushing through him, concentrating instead on the face in front of him and smiled slightly when sleep heavy brown eyes settled on him. For a moment, Len simply looked confused until the memories of the previous hours caught up with him. Jim felt him stiffen as tension almost visibly moved through his frame and this time, he couldn’t quite manage to quell the hurt that welled up in his chest. Len looked down briefly, gnawing at his lip in a move Jim knew from Bones represented indecision before his eyes settled once again on Jim. Strangely, Jim felt himself calm down at that, resolve slowly blooming. Nothing had changed. Len was still a stranger lost in an unfamiliar world and he needed someone to rely on. It was Jim’s job to be that someone.“It’s okay. Guess we both needed a good cry.”Jim spoke quietly, for some reason unwilling to break the calmness of the room by speaking too loudly. Len still looked unsure, but he smiled carefully.“Yeah. Guess so.”Encouraged, Jim said, “Look, I – I don’t know why you decided I was worth saving and sacrificing your medical oath. And the way I see it, right now, it doesn’t matter. You don’t remember and I can’t give you the answers you want since everything I come up with is simply based on speculation in the end. What’s done is done and while I understand your desire to learn more about your past, I honestly think that we should start thinking about the future.”Seeing panic flicker in Len’s eyes at the mention of future, Jim hurried to say, “It’s obviously too early to say anything specific right now. We still don’t know if your memories might come back, so for now, I guess it’s enough to take one day at the time. But if you don’t want to get completely lost, I think we need to accept that this is the new reality now and we have to live with that.”Softly, he murmured, “I meant what I said before. You’re not alone in this, Len. I’m not the only one who cares about you. Even without your biological family, you managed to find a new one aboard the Enterprise. And they are all more than willing to help you in whatever way you need them once you’re ready.”Emotions flew over Len’s face at these words, indecision and anxiety among them, but most of all gratitude. When the brown eyes fixed on Jim, they swam in thankfulness.“Thank you, Jim. I – I don’t know what to do, honestly, I don’t even know what the next steps should be, but – thank you!”And more softly, he added, “I’m glad I discovered the serum that brought you back to life. Despite everything. I don’t regret that.”Jim hadn’t realized how much he needed to hear those words until Len said them. Relief the size of mountains collapsing into each other rushed through him and he almost felt lightheaded for a second as an invisible hand he hadn’t even been aware of until this moment released his grip on his heart and lungs, allowing him to really, truly breathe in over a week.Len didn’t hate him for what had happened although it was, in the end, Jim’s fault; if Bones hadn’t created the serum to bring Jim back, none of this would have happened. That Len readily gave his acceptance, didn’t blame him was an absolution Jim had needed to hear, however unaware he had been of that.Clearing his throat, Jim simply nodded, unsure how to voice the immense relief flowing through him. Instead he asked, “You up for some food? Don’t know about you but I could eat and there’s still the takeout I got for us.”Based on the enthusiastic nod, Len was just as glad to leave the emotional talk behind them for some time.That had been the first day. After they had eaten, they settled on the sofa and continued to watch one of the prequels to the movie series Len had apparently started to watch while at the hospital. Jim tried to not put too much into the fact that it was one he had introduced to Bones during their second year at the academy. It was a relaxing evening, both of them occasionally throwing in comments about the plot or the characters while they each drank from their bottle of beer Jim had gotten from the fridge at some point. It was comfortable, it was soothing, and it was so freaking normal and them that for a couple of hours Jim let himself belief they could return to their old life.The first week, it was mostly just them. The day it had become clear that Len would be going home soon, Jim had asked for a short leave from the minimized duties he had still held during the last week, claiming family reasons. That he had been listed as Len’s emergency contact had helped this time, and Admiral Cartwright had granted him a two week leave to help Len settle in his surroundings. Knowing Spock was more than capable to hold the fort, Jim hadn’t felt guilty to relinquish command to the Vulcan for the next fourteen days.So, after Len’s first night in their apartment, their first trip took them to a supermarket for grocery shopping because Jim hadn’t been lying when he had said there wasn’t much in the apartment, besides the left-over beer bottles. Throughout the week, they took several strolls through San Francisco, Jim showing Len the areas they had frequented during their time as cadets. While Len seemed to enjoy the stories of their shenanigans, there was always a sense of sadness around him, even while he laughed at the retelling of Jim’s more embarrassing one-night stands. The same mournfulness was present when they visited bars, shops or restaurants they had enjoyed before, and although Len liked them well enough, Jim noticed that he was withdrawing a bit more after every visit. Halfway through the week, he changed tactics, planning trips to areas they hadn’t often visited while at the academy, giving them the opportunity to both discover them together. Based on the way Len started to open up at that, it had been the right thing to do and it gave them the chance to make new memories rather than chasing old ones, giving them moments to connect anew.Len made an appointment with the psychotherapist M’Benga had recommended at the beginning of the second week. It had been just enough time to make him feel more comfortable with his new surroundings and to accept the idea of speaking to a stranger about what had happened to him. Although there were still occasionally some moments where he doubted if all of this was real and he felt himself anticipating the crumbling of this new reality, he found himself more and more relaxing around Jim. There was just something around the other man that made Len feel safe, made him trust him. When he contemplated it during the dark hours of the night, the hope would sneak in that this was some kind of emotional recognition. That even without the accompanying memories the feelings of trust of their old friendship had somehow survived Tyrell’s cruel experiment. Len still didn’t fully understand why he had created the serum to bring Jim back to life. Why he had thought that saving this man validated a violation of all ethical guidelines as a doctor. But Jim was right. For their imminent future, it didn’t matter. It was done and Len simply had trust that he had had a good reason to do that.His first appointment with the therapist could be considered a disaster or a breakthrough, depending on how you looked at it. Halfway into the session, Len had felt so exposed and rubbed raw by the smartly aimed questions of the female Napean sitting opposite him that he had to break off their meeting to calm down. When he returned, red faced and an apology on his lips, she had simply smiled and gestured for him to take his seat again. In the end, Len spoke for more than two hours, leaving exhausted but feeling calmer and more settled than he could ever remember feeling – which was still only roughly three weeks of his life, but still.Week two also saw his social circle slowly increasing. The first to visit were the Vulcan, Spock, and the woman from the picture who Len learned was called Uhura. Len had been anxious about their visit the moment Jim had mentioned that they would come by, although what exactly he had been nervous about, he couldn’t say. It was just the thought of meeting more people who had known him before, who could judge him to be lacking worth now that he wasn’t the same as before, that had his stomach tied up in knots.In the end, he needn’t have worried. When Uhura first saw him, her face softened, lips stretching into a gentle, friendly smile and before Len knew what was happening, she pulled him into a firm hug. Surprised, he simply let her hold on to him and after a brief hesitation, he hugged her back. He had no idea whether they had been close or not, but from the way her eyes were shining in bright relief when she pulled back, he could take an educated guess that she was one of the people Jim had been talking about when he had mentioned a new family.“It’s good to have you back”, Uhura said kindly, before squeezing his arm and stepping aside to let Spock take her place.The Vulcan regarded him neutrally, his face giving nothing of his thoughts away. Or if it did, Len couldn’t tell. It was somehow vexing him, although he couldn’t put a finger on why exactly the calm façade would create such a reaction.Then Spock slightly inclined his head, mouth curling into a small smile as he said, “It is good to see you again, Leonard. Len”, he corrected himself. And Len might not know much, but he remembered enough of Vulcan society to recognize the rare smile as the sign of friendship and respect it was meant to convey. The feeling of annoyance slowly dissolved, and he offered both Uhura and Spock a smile in return.“Thank you. I would like to say the same but since I can’t actually remember our first meeting I’ll just go with ‘it’s nice to meet you’.”Len had found that joking about his amnesia made it sometimes easier to bear, taking away at least some of the power it held over his life. Uhura snorted, her face torn between sad and amused, while Spock inclined his head in agreement.“A very logical conclusion, Len. Perhaps this time we will have a more amicable first impression of each other then.”Len nodded, then stopped as the words fully registered, frowning.“Wait, what? What the hell…?”Jim’s laughter interrupted the tirade he was about to start, blue eyes sparkling as he leaned against the kitchenette. Even Uhura grinned while Spock simply raised an eyebrow in question. After that, the ice was broken, and they spent a companionable evening eating Jim’s home cooked lasagna and playing cards. Len felt immense satisfaction at the fact that although they had to explain the rules to him, he still managed to beat all of them. Based on Jim’s sour expression, he didn’t share his delight.The next visitors came in the form of the black-haired man on the picture, Sulu, together with his husband, Ben. Sulu greeted him with a wide grin and a firm grip on the shoulder. “Good to see you, Len”, he said, and Len felt absurdly relieved that everyone seemed to be aware of his preference to be called by his nickname rather than his full birthname.Extending a hand to Ben, the other gripped it firmly as he said kindly, “It’s good to finally meet you, Len. I wish it had been sooner, but I understand that saving earth once or twice with that crew of overachievers can leave your timetable pretty full.” Next to him, Sulu snorted and rolled his eyes, yet he also shot a quick anxious glance in Len’s direction as if he was afraid that the casual reference to past events would unsettle him. And a week ago, they might have, but Len had spent some of his time talking with Jim about the more prominent events in his life and during his service on the Enterprise, and though it hurt a bit to not remember any of these things, he still appreciated the ease with which Ben referred to it, as if it were normal to bring it up. It made Len feel less like a fragile china doll.The words also told him that Ben at least hadn’t known him personally before his abduction. To Len this meant that he didn’t have old memories and expectations to compete with. He could simply get to know Ben as Len without Doctor Leonard McCoy, CMO of the Enterprise, hovering over every word they exchanged. It was a feeling that left him almost giddy with relief and excitement.It was a pleasant evening they spent together and when they left, Len and Ben had agreed to go to one of the exhibitions in the museum quarter that both Jim and Sulu didn’t really have any interest in. That night, belly still full of food and beer and thoughts buzzing with memories of the evening’s talk and laughter, Len felt that maybe Jim had been right. Maybe they could figure this out.There were other visitors, or they paid visits to other people’s apartments. The man with the wrench was a Scotsman called Scotty, the kid with the curly mob a Russian by the name of Chekov. They both pulled Len into a hug when they saw him, both wearing equally wide grins. This evening he learnt that Jim actually knew a lot about engineering, enough to engage in lively discussions with the two men about some modifications to their ship. Len didn’t understand even half of it but sitting on the sofa with a glass of Bourbon, courtesy of Scotty, he didn’t really mind, simply content with letting the energetic clouds of words envelope him in comfort.M’Benga dropped by once, in company of Christine Chapel, both never fully able to discard their medical concern for him but trying their best. Other crew members stopped by for a short visit, mostly just to say hi and check in on him as they said. There were members from medical but also from engineering or the science department. Just small chats of people wanting to show him that they cared and that he hadn’t been forgotten. Every single one of these talks was another reminder that maybe he really hadn’t lost everything.They hit the first wall in week four. As per M’Benga’s order, he had come into the hospital for regular brain check-ups. The first week of his release there had still been some improvement; while his memories didn’t come back, his neural cells were still actively mending themselves, trying to cover the brutal swaths Tyrell’s procedure had left behind. The same was still true for week two. When Len came for his scan in week three however, his cells had apparently come to a standstill. At this point he had gotten rather good at reading M’Benga’s expressions and the frown on his brow showed nothing else but worry. They tried to remain optimistic, arguing that maybe the process was simply slowing down and that it would be necessary to compare it with next week’s scans. Still, Len felt anxious throughout the entire week. Unfortunately, the development collided with Jim going back to work which meant that most days, Len was left alone, trying to fill the emptiness of the day with something productive to do. It didn’t help his strained nerves one bit.Coming back in week four and seeing no change to his brain scans ripped away the sense of security he had managed to establish for himself in the last month. Suddenly Len felt like he was back in the hospital bed on day one, seeing his scan for the first time. Nothing was changing anymore. His neural cells had repaired what they could, but the damage was simply too great. His memories wouldn’t come back.“We knew that might happen, Len. And I’m still arguing not to give up hope. It is a completely foreign procedure with no case study on which we could rely on. Maybe your memories will come back in a couple of months, or even a year or two.”M’Benga’s gentle voice pierced the fog of hopelessness blanketing his mind and when he looked up, the doctor’s worried face swam into focus.“We will keep monitoring your brain and I would suggest you keep seeing your therapist. But overall, I think the time has come for you to make a decision where you want to go with your life, at least for the immediate future.”Feeling a squeeze on his shoulder that was probably meant to be encouraging, M’Benga continued, “Regardless of whether you want to remain in Starfleet or not, I would suggest that you meet with a career advisor. They can tell you which steps you would have to take next.”Numbly, Len nodded, feeling despair wail inside him. It wasn’t that his life as it was now was bad; after four weeks of regularly meeting and interacting with the crew, he got more and more confident that they wanted to uphold the former friendships even if he didn’t remember them. But there were so many moments of his life that couldn’t be replaced with new memories. His entire childhood and youth, his family, especially his parents and grandparents. He wasn’t able to make new memoirs with them. And now he might never remember them at all.The rest of the day he spent in foggy numbness, wrapping himself in a blanket on the sofa and starring at the holo-screen emptily where some mindless reality show was running. When Jim came home, he threw one glance at Len and immediately discarded his shoes to climb on the sofa next to him. It was a tight fit the way they were positioned as the sofa wasn’t really big enough to accommodate two men lying next to each other, but they made do, Jim behind Len, arms around him.They continued to watch the show until way past midnight, until Len was finally able to share the conversation he had with M’Benga. Jim listened, not saying a word even after Len finished speaking. He didn’t say anything on what he thought Len should do next and Len was grateful for that. His mind was still in uproar, his thoughts scattered all over the place as he was unable to focus on one of them. In the end, they fell asleep on the sofa without saying another word.When Jim woke the next morning, his entire body felt stiff and painful from sleeping into a too narrow space the entire night. Yet when he opened his eyes and they settled on Len’s face watching him, his discomfort moved to the background. He barely dared to breathe as his friend kept looking at him intently as if he was looking for an answer on his face. Eventually, he seemed to have found it as the scrutiny was replaced with softness.“I’ll stay. I don’t know if I will even be able to come back to the Enterprise with you, but I want to try at least.”Len released a shuddering breath, the warm air ghosting over Jim’s face.“You and the others – you’re all I have left. And I don’t want to give you up. Not willingly at least. I want to try”, he repeated.Relief and joy the size of a huge tidal wave crashed over him and it was all Jim could do to nod and pull Len even closer to him, hugging him tightly and awkwardly in the narrow space. Len would stay in Starfleet, and if Jim had any say in it, he would come back on the Enterprise with them. He wouldn’t lose his friend after all.Talking to a career advisor revealed that it wouldn’t be as straightforward as they had hoped. Len would have to retake all the classes related to Fleet politics and regulations to be cleared for service again and his medical knowledge would have to undergo thorough testing as well to assure it truly was as comprehensive as it had been before. The advisor had been sympathetic but firm, declaring that although Len wouldn’t have to do the full three years, he would certainly need at least one and a half at the academy to take all the classes and exams. Which was simply unacceptable. While the Enterprise would obviously still need some time to be rebuilt, it wouldn’t take that long. When Jim had last talked to Scotty about the ship’s progress, the other had been confident that they would be able to ship out in around ten months.Which meant they had ten months to get Len ready for service.Len had been discouraged and grumpy after the talk, but Jim wasn’t ready to give up yet. What was saving Earth good for if it didn’t grant you some very valuable favors? So, after he had deposited Len with Ben, who readily agreed to take on the arduous job of cheering the doctor up, Jim called in an impromptu meeting with the bridge crew. Explaining the situation, Jim didn’t have to say the words before the other’s offered to throw in all their weight as the crew that had saved the Federation twice to fight for their former CMO. Jim thought his heart would burst from the gratefulness that pulsed through him at the willing show of support.In the end, they came up with a suggestion and a plan of execution for Len to be reinstalled as doctor on the Enterprise which Jim and Spock presented to Admiral Cartwright later that day. Cartwright was less than happy with their ambush considering he had been about to leave his office, but he agreed to listen to their suggestion. Afterwards, he regarded them both closely, eyes narrowed in thought.“If it were anyone else, I would be annoyed by the special treatment you’re always asking for, Kirk. But I guess it is somewhat deserved after all.”Cartwright huffed, fingers ghosting over the PADD holding their plan.“You know he can’t be reinstalled as CMO immediately, even if I go along with this?”Next to him, Spock inclined his head in agreement and Jim nodded. He was aware of that and although it would be a setback career wise, it didn’t matter for now. Len could work his way up to being CMO again, he was sure about that. For now, all that counted was that they got him ready to serve on the Enterprise once the ship was ready.“We are aware of that, sir. But we truly believe that in the interest of Doctor McCoy’s further mental improvement…”Cartwright waved him off.“You already explained that rather thoroughly and I see your point.”For a moment, not a word was spoken as Cartwright continued to go over their suggestion, finger swiping up and down the surface, sometimes stopping to take a closer look at one point or another. Jim had been less nervous when he had to stand trial for his cheating on the Kobayashi Maru.Finally, Cartwright nodded.“I can’t make any promises as I will need to speak with the respective teachers of the classes McCoy would have to take and whether they would agree to set him on an individual, faster track. But I will strongly advocate for it. Concerning his medical qualifications there isn’t much I can do but I’m sure Boyce will want the situation sorted as soon as possible as well. He likes McCoy, as far as I know, so the sooner he can be sure of his qualities as a doctor again, the sooner I can imagine he will agree to reinstall his work as a fleet doctor.”Feeling all the tension drain from his body at the words, Jim barely managed to quell his excitement to a professional level in front of the admiral. Once they were outside his office, he pulled Spock, who bore the emotional ambush stoically, into a hug before he rushed to the next turbo lift, unable to repress the grin that threatened to split his face in two.Seeing Len’s eyes overflow with gratitude and disbelief as Jim told him the news convinced him that it had been the right thing to do, even as Len good naturedly complained later in the evening that Jim shouldn’t meddle with his affairs. It was said without heat though and considering the big hug he had received when he had first told him about their success, Jim simply grinned and called it captain’s prerogative.In the end, the instructors agreed to the idea of faster classes and earlier exams for Len, some more readily than others. Jim had the feeling that Cartwright had gotten help from Boyce on occasion to convince some of the less willing teachers. Now that it had become official that Len would stay in Starfleet, Boyce had barely waited a day to send Len a message, asking him to meet him in his office to discuss his “future in the medical field” as he had phrased it. Jim knew Len had been nervous about the meeting, unsure what the other would say and worried that he might veto against his reinstatement as a doctor considering they were still largely in the unknown to the full extent of his medical qualifications. Tyrell might have tried to leave it untouched and claimed it was intact but there simply was no telling, what with how thoroughly she had destroyed everything else.He needn’t have worried. When Len returned home after his talk, he was grinning. Boyce was more than ready to take him back, claiming that “even something like this couldn’t destroy your medical genius, McCoy, and don’t you be modest with me and deny it.” Len had blushed when he retold the events to Jim, but the captain simply nodded. Bones had always been brilliant in his field and he was sure Len would pick up the reins, even if it might take some time to get back to his old level. Continuing, Len said that Boyce wanted to create various written tests as well as practical simulations over the next few months and compare it to data they had of his previous performance to determine without a doubt if his medical knowledge truly was as encompassing as before and if he was medically qualified enough to take up his duties as a doctor and surgeon again. Jim raised an eyebrow at that yet refrained from commenting. He knew Len worried that he might make a mistake in a critical situation that could cost someone their life in case Tyrell had destroyed some small part of his expertise after all, so if that gave him some confidence in his own skills, Jim was all up for it. Privately he thought that in combination with his other classes, Len would be in for some very busy months.He had been right. Once they really got started on getting Len ready for service before the Enterprise’s launch, his friend either spent his days in the hospital taking tests, doing simulations or occasionally even working in the emergency room, though under the supervision of another doctor – something that annoyed his friend to no end, even if he understood the reason behind it. Or he took up residence in the library or at his desk, bending over books or his PADD filled with reams of Fleet regulations. The first time Len started complaining about them, Jim got a laughing fit. It was so similar to the way Bones had complained about the myriads of regulations they needed to study during the academy, Jim hadn’t been able to help himself. And like every time when he found a similarity between his old friend and his new one, he felt his heart break a little bit at the reminder of what they had lost. By now, Jim was used to it though and these small acts barely knocked him out of his stride.Until he slipped up. They were mock arguing about a specific regulation, Jim privately agreeing with his friend that it was a rather unnecessary one. However, it was simply too much fun to see his friend complain about it so thoroughly, so he purposefully riled him up a bit – it was the simple things in life after all that brought the greatest joy, or something like that. It had been so similar to thousands of scenes from their time as cadets that at some point, Jim said, “But Bones, man, think of all the fun we will have, me breaking the rules and you helping me do it while constantly yelling at me for every single regulation I’m violating.”When there wasn’t a response, Jim looked up and saw Len looking back. Len, not Bones. And the difference had never been so clear as in this moment when his friend regarded him with confusion and insecurity, two emotions so foreign on Bones’ face, Jim could count their occurrence on one hand. Len on the other hand had worn them often in the beginning, and although he was gaining back a lot of confidence, there were still moments like this that reminded Jim painfully that his friend simply wasn’t the same man as before.“Bones.”Len lengthened the vowel as he repeated the nickname.“I remember. You called me that when you found me at the hideout. Back then I thought you must have hit your head because why would you constantly talk about bones in this context, and then there was so much going on I completely forgot about it.”Len gnawed at his lower lip, gaze flitting to the pictures of them on the wall.“What does it mean? I guess you’re not throwing in a reference like that for nothing, so why Bones?”Jim closed his eyes for a second, rubbing his hands over his face. Fuck. He shouldn’t have used the nickname, Len was still struggling with his identity, he didn’t need another name thrown in the mix. But their arguing had been so normal, it had been like before and caught up in the moment, it had slipped past his lips.Hoping that Len wouldn’t react badly to it, Jim explained, “It’s a nickname. My nickname for you.”At Len’s raised eyebrow, he elaborated, “When we first met, you said that your ex-wife got the whole planet in the divorce, and all you had left were your bones. I don’t know, I thought it was funny at the time, so I started to call you Bones and you never complained too much about it, at least not when I used it, so the name kinda – stuck. Also, Leonard is simply too old fashioned a name for a guy your age, so I had to find an alternative.”“And the best you could come up with was a depressing reference to my divorce?”Len’s tone was dry as he said it and Jim winced.“Ahem, yeah, kind of. If it makes you feel better, most people understood it as a reference to the old sawbones, the ah…”“The barbaric surgeons of the past who sawed off people’s limbs. Thanks, Jim, that’s much better.”Jim shrugged, unsure what to say.“Don’t know what to tell you. I was the only one you allowed to use that name and at some point, it was just – your name. Without any hidden meaning or reference to it.”Len pressed his lips together, but his shoulders lowered from the defensive position up his neck and he let out a slow breath as he looked back at Jim.“I’m sorry. It’s just – whenever I feel somewhat settled, there’s a new information about my past, some small detail that carries a lot of meaning. And it’s just – I wish these reminders would finally stop. It’s so exhausting.”Sighing, Len smiled tiredly at Jim.“On the other hand, I guess it’s a good thing that you called me that. Means I’m doing something right.”Jim furrowed his brow. What the…?“Len, you – there is no right or wrong. I, we like you for who you are. Now.”Len shrugged, eyes once again avoiding contact with Jim.“I know, I guess. Or at least I try to tell myself. But even after three months, I can’t shake this feeling of having to compete with a ghost. That everything I say or do is measured against my past self. It’s almost as if we are two separate people, which is just ridiculous, I know. But some days I can’t stop asking myself if I’m good enough to fill his space.”His voice had gone soft at the end, arms coming up to wrap themselves around his torso.Stunned, Jim just looked at his friend, before he almost jumped out of his chair, hands coming up to clasp his friend’s shoulders.“Len. Trust me when I tell you we like you for you. For who you are now. I get why you think of yourself as two different people because honestly, I guess all of us do so to some extent. But I wouldn’t necessarily call that a bad thing. It allows us to distinguish between your past and the way you’re now, and it diminishes expectations. It offers the chance to see you as you are now. At least I feel that way.”Jim squeezed the shoulders underneath his hand.“And I for my part like you just as much as I liked you as Bones. There’s not that much of a difference between you. You both like to complain about regulations, for starters.”Len laughed, a wet sound, his eyes shining a bit teary in the apartment light.“What if I can never be Bones again?”Jim shrugged.“As I said, you already have more of him in you than you realize. And even if you never feel like being called by that name and there are some obvious differences to your previous behavior, it doesn’t matter. All of us like you either way. Tyrell didn’t manage to take you away from us, memories aside.”Len nodded, moving closer to pull Jim into a hug, head resting on his shoulder. That was certainly a change. While Bones hadn’t minded occasional clasps to the shoulder, he hadn’t really been the touchy kind of guy. Len was more open in that regard, more readily reaching out for reassuring touches or hugs like this one.Jim didn’t mind that kind of change one bit.“Thanks, Jim. It’s just… good to hear, I guess.”Breaking away from the short embrace, Len said, “But for now – let’s stick with Len, ‘kay? I don’t really feel like Bones yet.”Jim smiled softly.“Okay. There is no hurry, no pressure. It’s just a name, not a big deal.”And even though saying this felt like giving up on the man he had called best friend for so long, Jim entirely meant it, the assurance hurting less than it would have one or two months ago. Though the differences between Bones and Len were still noticeable, more and more aspects of their behavior and mannerism became similar. Bones’ sarcasm and occasional cynicism certainly made more and more appearances, although Len was less grumpy than Bones had been. His dry humor and especially his passion for medicine and all forms of life also turned out to be consonants. Over the last months, it had given Jim the confidence that even without the memories, he might be able to eventually have the same sort of friendship with Len as he had had with Bones.The more romantic feelings simply had to take a setback. Which was occasionally difficult. Once Jim had become aware of them, ignoring them was more challenging that he had thought. It was mostly small moments, times when they were both relaxed and enjoying each other’s company that made Jim crave more. Like holding Len in his arms while they watched a movie, kissing the freckles on his nose and tracing the small lines on his brow. Becoming aware of his changed feelings had created a longing for closeness that wasn’t easily filled by normal friendship again.But it didn’t matter what Jim wanted. It simply wasn’t the right time to spring a romantic relationship on Len, even if he were open for one. He was already preoccupied enough with rebuilding his life and finding the confidence to trust himself as well as others again. Jim wouldn’t complicate the situation more for his own selfish wishes and needs.Time passed on. They spent Christmas Eve and Morning at Uhura’s and Spock’s apartment, enjoying the small celebration in their group of four in the evening and the merry chaos the next day when most of the command crew dropped in for a collective lunch and dinner. That day Len believed for the first time that Jim had been right. That his lost memories didn’t matter so much as long as he was with these people.In February, Jim and Len went skiing for a week, although how exactly Jim had talked him into that Len still didn’t know. He was sure he had said “NO” to Jim’s enthusiastic suggestion repeatedly, so how he ended up in a place that froze off his nose as soon as he made the mistake of poking it out was anyone’s guess. Or how he ended up on a lift, freezing off his butt as the cold wind whirled around them while Jim pointed at the beautiful mountain scenery around them. Len would appreciate it once his eyes weren’t frozen up anymore and his wasn’t too busy shivering to retain some warmth. The thing was, he must have learned skiing once in his life because standing on the slats and carefully making his first moves down the slope, he felt his body immediately adapt accordingly to keep its balance, something you could only do if you had years of practice. In the end, he enjoyed it more than he would have thought. Quietly asking Jim about it when they were devouring their deserved dinner, Jim blushed and murmured, “We went skiing every year during the academy after you told me how important it had been to your mum and that you always went on a family skiing trip at least once a year.”Len didn’t complain about the cold again during their whole stay.In April, Len was finally cleared for medical duty without supervision as Boyce considered his medical qualifications as “over the top as they were before; which is good because the next lunatic is probably already plotting our doom and with your captain always in the center of things, you bet we will need more medical miracles”. In April, he also stopped his weekly brain scans with M’Benga. There had been no significant change in the last five months. At this point, it had only served as a weekly reminder of what had happened to him and one day, Len simply had enough. It had been six months since his rescue, and he couldn’t keep hoping that his memories would be coming back any time soon. If they did, they did, but he wouldn’t expose himself to the fragile hope of finally seeing change every week only to have it knocked out of him once he saw the scans.At the beginning of May, the trial against Centrich, Porter, Tyrell and Wildner finally came to an end. All four of them had been found guilty of treason against the Federation, terrorism, theft and kidnapping as well as torture of an active member of Starfleet. Centrich, Porter and Tyrell got several lifetimes for that, which meant they wouldn’t be seeing the outside of a prison cell ever again. Wildner hat gotten the same sentence, yet his cooperation after his arrest which led to a dozen more secret files and accounts of Section 31 offered him the chance for mitigation and even possible release for good behavior after twenty-five years. The Fleet attorney leading the charge had come to Len first, inquiring if this would be acceptable for him and assuring him that he could argue for a more severe punishment for Wildner as well, but Len had been strangely okay with Wildner receiving a lighter sentence. He still didn’t forgive what the other had done, and he never would, but thanks to Wildner’s admission he had finally been able to trust the people around him. What was more, he felt somewhat sorry for the poor life choices the other had made and didn’t want to stand in the way of a possible second chance. Jim of course saw that quite differently and would have liked to see Wildner looked away just like the others, and though they almost had a fight about it, he relented in the end.June saw the end of the repairs of the Enterprise. Crew members who had left San Francisco for work or to visit friends and family slowly returned to the campus as the launch date got closer and closer. Scotty knew no other topic, every interaction concerned with one thing or another that still needed to be fixed or updated before the big date. Since he was preaching to the choir in Jim’s case, Len mostly excused himself when the engineer visited, not really interested in hearing even more about the ship in his off time.The closer the launch came, the more nervous Jim got about whether Len could really join them on the five-year mission. Cartwright had been confident about it, but he also hadn’t made any concrete promises, and while that had been alright in the beginning, Jim finally wanted some answers. Medically, Len was cleared, so it all rested on the test results of all the classes he had been taking during the last months and Jim barely managed to restrain his agitation. Talking to Len about it wasn’t really an option since the other wore his own nervousness for all to see and snapped at everyone who made the unfortunate mistake of asking him about it, so Jim didn’t want to add to his stress. He also didn’t really care to receive a sharp tongue lashing, so it was also partly self-protection.Two weeks before the Enterprise would start on her five-year mission the crew came together for a “saying-goodbye-to-Earth” kind of party. It had been Sulu’s idea, arguing that they wouldn’t really have time to celebrate in the immediate days before the take-off, considering how busy they were already, and Jim had happily agreed. They had almost spent a year on Earth and although they were all looking forward to their next adventure, he was sure there would be a lot of homesickness in the beginning. Hell, Jim himself felt a little bit sad when he thought about leaving San Francisco and the routine they had created here behind, although that was only a small part. Mostly he could barely contain the excitement of going back up, felt his blood pump faster at the mere thought of all the new cultures and planets they would get to see and visit. So, the party was both a way to celebrate and to say goodbye to their homes, friends and families.It was a joyful, relaxed evening from the beginning. They had rented a big event location with a bar and organized some catering and a band. Crew members could bring friends and families and soon the entire hall was buzzing with talk and laughter, the sound of the music drumming pleasantly in the background, quiet enough to enable easy conversation.Jim mingled among his crew, making sure to speak to every single person and ask about how they had been doing, how they felt about going up again and if there was anything they still needed from him as captain. His crew had always been important to him and Jim wanted to be the kind of commanding officer who was approachable, someone his crew could trust to have their back. In return, he wanted their best efforts and they readily gave it. Being on the Enterprise meant you were among the best of the best and you had to keep earning that spot, but if you had it, support was always given.At some point in the evening, he ended up in a circle with the bridge crew as well as Sulu’s husband Ben, M’Benga and Len. The mixture of voices and music around them meant they had to speak a bit louder, but the conversation was flowing steadily among them. Looking to Len who standing next to Chekov and Sulu, Jim frowned when he saw his friend clearing his throat, then look around to see if he had everyone’s attention.“Sorry to interrupt like this. I promise to keep it short.”Raising his glass, Len rubbed his neck as his gaze wandered around the circle.“I’m not normally one to get all emotional, but hell, I thought the occasion seemed right and some things have to be said. I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for the support you’ve shown me these last couple of months. It couldn’t have always been easy on you and well, I know I can be a bit difficult sometimes.”Len chuckled ruefully at that.“But, well, what I want to say is … I couldn’t have done it without you. All of you. You believed in me when I couldn’t, and you took me back as your friend when I couldn’t even remember your names. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you, so thank you.”He raised his glass a bit higher to say cheers, and the others immediately followed.“Here’s to five years in space. And I’m telling you, you all better keep up on your vaccinations! I swear to god if any of you catches an utterly preventable alien disease and spreads it among the crew, I promise the disease will be the least of your worries.”There was a beat of silence, the words taking some time to sink in.Uhura was the first to grin widely, her eyes shining even brighter in sudden excitement.“Len, does this mean you passed your exams?!”Len smiled, nodding.“Got the results this morning. As of today, I’m officially reinstated as medical officer on the Enterprise, with the option to be reinstated as CMO after a year.”For a split second, it was quiet before a chorus of cheers and congratulations erupted, making heads turn their way to see what the noise was all about. All of them pulled Len into a hug, the happiness in the group almost tangible with how wide their grins were. Even Spock offered a small smile and stated how “pleased he was to hear that there would be no drastic changes to the crew”.Jim watched them, standing a bit aside, letting the others go first to congratulate the doctor. He needed a moment to himself.Len would come with them. He would be back onboard the Enterprise, joining them for the next five years. Jim would get to see him every day, would be able to go down to sickbay and drag his friend away for shared meals, make plans for shore leave and come to him for a glass of the good stuff after a bad mission.He hadn’t lost his best friend.The happiness and sheer joy that crashed through him was almost overwhelming, pulsing through him like a glowing river as warmth spread from his core to all his limbs. His lips couldn’t stop smiling as his eyes sought out Len. The doctor seemed to be unable to restrain his joy as well, grinning in such an enthusiastic way that was normally unusual for him. He laughed at Sulu’s and Scotty’s comments, scowled good naturedly at Spock and gripped M’Benga’s shoulder in gratitude. He let Uhura pull him in a hug, then turned back to Chekov as the young Russian excitedly congratulated him. Jim felt his heart swell at the sight. These were his friends, his family, and he was so damn grateful for all of them.He raised an eyebrow in question when Uhura stepped out of the group and stood next to him. She nudged his shoulder, her grin slightly mischievous.“So, now that things are going back to normal, when are you going to have ‘the talk’ with him?”Jim’s heart skipped a beat as he felt his face getting hot, the question hitting him somewhat unprepared.“I, ahem, have no idea what you’re talking about, Lieutenant.”Uhura laughed. It had taken some time to build up the trust and the friendship they had had before Jim’s emotional assault that evening, Uhura being of the firm opinion that even though he had been suffering, it wasn’t an excuse for his aggressive behavior against them. Jim had agreed on that and they had had a long talk about personal responsibility one day in November. It left Jim with a clear view on the kind of leader he wanted to be, on the kind of man he needed to become for that. It was also the beginning of an even closer friendship with the communications officer.“’Course you have. Just because you ignore them doesn’t mean that your feelings will go away, Jim.”Her smile softened.“I understand why you didn’t address it in the beginning, Len needed the time to heal and to rebuild his life. But he’s much better now and though his memories are still missing I think he’s as close to the McCoy we knew as he will ever be again. And five years is a long time to deny your feelings for someone you’re going to see every day.”Jim pressed his lips together, refusing to look at her sympathetic face by looking straight ahead at the others. A part of him knew that she was right, that it would become only more difficult to ignore the longing for his friend once they were back in space; it was already painful to do so now. But an even bigger part of him was afraid that he would drive the doctor away. That revealing this secret would be the thing to make him lose the best friend he had ever had.Jim couldn’t bear the thought of being the reason that made Len turn his back on him.“I know what’s going through your head, Jim, and I think you need to trust him more. He might not have been aware of it, but Leonard loved you. And I’m sure this love is still there, somewhere, even if Len doesn’t know it yet.”“How can you be so certain of that? You don’t know what he’s thinking.”His voice sounded way to rough and Jim coughed to get rid of the lump in his throat.“Because I see the way he looks at you sometimes. And it’s not how a friend would watch you.”With that, she gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze, then moved back to the group. Jim didn’t have much time to contemplate her words for when he felt another presence next to him, he turned only to come face to face with Len. Trying to get order into the chaos Uhura’s comments had created in his head, Jim struggled to give the other a genuine smile.“You’ve been holding out on me, doctor. How come I as your commanding officer only hear about this now, the same time as the plebs?”Len laughed, the skin around his eyes crinkling.“Sorry ‘bout that, Jim. But I wanted it to be a surprise so I asked Cartwright to hold back the papers with the official posting for twenty-four hours so I could tell you all in person this evening.”His laugh softened to a genuine smile.“I meant what I said before, to all of them, but especially to you. I couldn’t have done it without you, Jim. You were there from the beginning, helping me sort out this mess in my head and getting my life back.”Jim shrugged, trying for nonchalance.“It wasn’t just me, as you said, the others played their part too.”Len nodded.“And that’s why I thanked all of them, but I need you to know that it was you who saved me when fear and frustration got the best of me. I’m going back up there because of you, Jim. Not for Starfleet, not for science, not even for the others. Only for you.”There was something in the way he said it, something in his eyes that made Jim suddenly wonder if Uhura might have been on to something with her observation. This was more personal than they had ever been, brushing an area they hadn’t talked about since that first evening in the apartment and both their breakdowns, yet Jim didn’t feel ready for it. Not here, not now. Not when the outcome of this talk was more important than any diplomatic mission he had ever been sent to.But apparently Uhura had been right. It wasn’t something they could ignore for much longer; definitely not for five more years.He could ignore it this evening though and so Jim put on the most genuine smile he could muster, letting it convey all the gratitude and deep friendship he felt for the doctor.“Then you’re welcome, Len. And I meant what I said all those months ago: you’re not alone in this, and never will be. I won’t ever give up on you and as long as you’ll have me, I’ll be there.”For a moment Jim was taken back to a different time when he had said these words, sitting at Bones’ hospital bed when he had overdosed on stims in his efforts to save Jim, but he brushed it aside. It might as well have been another life, even if the words still rang true.Len smiled, then raised his glass in salute and took a sip of his bourbon.It was some time after midnight when the party finally dissipated. The news of Len’s return to the Enterprise had spread among the rest of the crew like wildfire and many of them had left their own congratulations to the doctor before going home. Seeing as he saw it as his responsibility to stay as long as possible to give his crew ample opportunity to speak to him, Jim was among the last people to leave, and Len had simply stayed behind as well, arguing that he would wake up anyway when Jim got home. Which didn’t really hold true considering they had two different bedrooms, but Jim didn’t really want to question it, happy that his friend stayed as well. Once they finally arrived home, both men immediately bid each other good night before disappearing into their respective rooms.Jim woke to the clock displaying the unholy time of 0345. Turning over onto the other side and burying deeper into his blanket, Jim had almost fallen back asleep when he heard a soft noise from the living room. A quiet hiss as if a door had opened and closed.Instantly, he felt more alert, the sudden rush of adrenaline at the unexpected noise doing a good job of waking him up. Sitting up, Jim quietly slid out of bed, then moved to the door and stopped in front of it, listening. The only discernable sound was his own breath and the fast pounding of his heart in the quietness of the bedroom. Maybe Len had simply needed to go to the bathroom and that’s what he had heard. It was plausible enough, but Jim couldn’t quite shake the feeling of strangeness that had settled somewhere in his core. Not necessarily the feeling of someone else being in the apartment with them, but a bizarre feeling of something happening. Some sort of restless energy he couldn’t really put a name to but that wouldn’t let him go to sleep without checking for himself that everything was alright.Stepping into the living room revealed nothing at first. The dark silhouettes of the furniture stood as they usually would, some odd lights of one kitchen machine or another casting a pale light onto the immediate surrounding area. Throwing one more glance around, Jim was about to head back to his bed when his eyes stopped on the glassy door next to the bathroom that lead to a small balcony; a small luxury both he and Bones had agreed on when they picked the flat. From where he was standing, he could make out the shadow of a human figure. Normally, that would have been enough reason to raise some red flags, but Jim figured that a burglar normally wouldn’t take a seat on one of their lounge chairs outside to enjoy a drink.Going back into his room to slip into his shoes and pull over a sweater, Jim carefully maneuvered around the obstacles in the living room, somehow unwilling to disrupt the quietness of the night by ordering on some light. Opening the door, he stepped outside, the sudden coolness of the night making him shudder for a moment despite the sweater. Len didn’t turn his head to look at him, but there were enough lights casting their glow up to their apartment level that Jim could make out a twitch of a smile on the other’s lips.“Hey Jim.”The words were soft, Len apparently as unwilling as Jim to disrupt the night. It only added to the strange energy Jim could still almost physically feel waving through the air, that peculiarity unprompted night meetings like this usually seemed to carry.“Hey.”Not knowing what else to say, Jim sat down in the chair next to his friend, not taking his eyes off him. Len didn’t seem sad or agitated or upset in any way. Rather there was a strange aura of confusion and indecision around him, similar to the one he had often worn after his release from the hospital. Jim had learned from previous experience that simply offering an ear was most often the best approach.Len sipped on his glass, apparently having decided that whatever was bothering him required a drink. For some minutes, they sat in silence, Jim eventually joining his friend in looking over the quiet campus before and underneath them.“I had a dream.”Breaking the silence like this made Jim flinch slightly in surprise, yet he tried to cover it and turned nonchalantly towards his friend.“Yeah?”Len nodded, eyes still focused on the apartment complex opposite theirs. Jim was sure he saw something else entirely.“Yeah. I was in a hospital, wearing a white uniform. Spock was there, standing in a corner, looking at me, and you. You were there too, lying in a hospital bed.”Jim swore his heart stopped at the words while the air suddenly seemed to be stuck in his lungs.“You seemed to come to after some sort of surgery or treatment because you were pretty confused. I – I ran some tests on you, and we spoke but I – I don’t remember the words. Then Spock stepped closer and you thanked him for saving your life. And in this dream – I don’t know why, but somehow this broke my heart it was so upsetting. So, I went into an office and just – fainted.”Len laughed, trying for humor but sounding hopelessly insecure.“And then I was suddenly in another room, and I was the one in the hospital bed with you sitting next to me in a hover chair. You seemed – worried, and upset, but even though we talked, I don’t remember what we said in the dream; I’m not even sure I heard us. It was like watching one of these very, very old movies from the early 20th century, where they didn’t have sound for the pictures yet, so you were left wondering what these people on the screen were actually talking about. Only towards the end of the dream… Suddenly I could hear you. You thanked me, for saving your life. And,” Len’s voice shook, his grip around the glass tightening, “and you repeated today’s words. That you wouldn’t ever give up on me and as long as I’ll have you, you’d be there.”Taking a shuddering breath, Len finally took his eyes away from the apartment and looked at Jim. His eyes looked wide and scared in the darkness.“It was just – it was such a strange dream. Nothing like – I haven’t dreamt much so far and if I do, it’s nonsense, something that clearly represents my subconsciousness trying to work through an issue or something. This was – different.”Len pressed his lips together before he whispered, “It felt so real.”At some point during Len’s words, Jim’s heart had decided to take up its job again, making up for lost time by beating twice as quickly in his chest. The adrenaline of before was back with full force, making Jim aware of the goosebumps that spread on his body.He remembered. He didn’t know it yet, but Len had dreamt of their conversation in the hospital, the one where Jim had finally thought to thank his friend for all his sacrifices.That memory had still been there and somehow, after months of nothing, his brain had finally managed to access it in his sleep. Jim didn’t know how, and he wasn’t a neuro specialist, so he didn’t really care. All he knew was that Len had dreamt of that scene, had accessed this memory.Len had remembered something. Jim felt like he might burst into tears for the sheer mind-numbing happiness that swept through his body at that realization, feeling almost lightheaded from its intensity.“Jim?”Blinking to get out of his own head, Jim focused on Len sitting opposite him, eyebrow raised in question. His entire body almost seemed to vibrate with nervous tension, his left leg nervously jutting up and down. Seeing his friend’s distress put a small damper on Jim’s excitement and he reigned in his own exhilaration. It was exciting, yes, and he was sure Len would see it the same way, but right now, he obviously needed reassurance.Biting his lip, Jim said softly, “You overdosed on stims when you were working on the serum for me. That first part of your – dream… that was the first time I woke up. It was also the day you collapsed from all the stimulants in your blood, which is why you ended up in the hospital yourself. The second part… that was the first time in three days you were fully cognizant.”Jim let the words sink in, taking in the way Len’s eyes widened and the shuddering breath that escaped his mouth.“I… This was – real?”“Yes”, Jim nodded.“I – remembered something in my dream.”The words were barely above a whisper, both a question and a statement.Jim smiled.“Yes.”Taking a deep breath, Len placed the glass on the table next to him before bending over, head between his knees, his hands burying in his hair.“Fuck!!”The exclamation startled Jim and he was out of his chair in a heartbeat, crouching next to his friend. This close, he could see and sense the tremors that ran through Len’s frame. Slowly so to not startle his friend, he placed a hand on his back, rubbing small circles in an attempt to soothe the anxiety away.They sat like that for a while, Jim’s joints slowly starting to ache from the crouched position he was in; he carefully moved his legs a bit but otherwise he remained motionless, his focus on his friend. At some point, the shaking got less pronounced and with a grateful grunt and a sigh, Len pulled away as he sat back up, right hand brushing through his hair as if to get it back in order. He laughed faintly.“Sorry ‘bout that. It’s just… it’s just a lot. It has been ten months since, well… since everything. And there has been nothing so far. So why now??”Jim shrugged, remaining in the crouch next to Len for now.“I don’t know. I’m not an expert in that matter, you’d be better qualified to answer your own questions. Maybe it’s because all the routine and seeing your old friends every day somehow managed to activate your memories again, or at least this one? Maybe it’s because we’ll be back on the Enterprise soon? Maybe it’s because of what I said? I don’t know.”Jim squeezed the doctor’s knee reassuringly.“But this is good news, Len! You remembered something! Even if it was only in a dream, it’s still a memory!”Len laughed, his face a mix of happiness and uncertainty.“I know! I – I don’t get how or why, but geez… I remembered something! I can’t believe it, I didn’t think anything would happen after all this time… what if that’s the only thing I’ll remember? What if it stops there?”He tried to cover it, but Jim could still hear the fear in that question. The fear of finally having hope again, only to have it ripped away brutally. It was the cruelest kind of fear because it was difficult to counter in its wide uncertainty.“I don’t know, Len. I’m not going to make promises that I have no control over, so I can’t tell you that all your memories will come back now. What I can tell you is that it is enough reason to have some small hope again. And that we should go to the hospital tomorrow to scan your brain again.”Jim made sure that he had caught Len’s gaze when he said, “Whatever happens, we will see it through together.”Len smiled, clasping his hand over the one Jim had on his knee.“Thank you. Honestly, thank you, Jim.”Jim smiled and was about to pull back his hand, when he saw Len hesitate to say something else. He raised an eyebrow.“What is it?”Len shook his head, leaning back in the chair and looking out again at the campus, so Jim moved back as well, finally sitting back into his chair to give his friend some space.“There was… something else.”Gnawing at his bottom lip, Len threw a quick glance at Jim, then looked down at his hands.“After you said that, in the hospital…. I could slowly feel myself become more awake, but I was still sleeping… you know, when you feel yourself waking up, but you’re still dreaming, you know that feeling?”It wasn’t really a question but Jim nodded nonetheless.“It was a strange scene. I – I was in a chair, but I couldn’t move my legs and arms. It was dark around me, I couldn’t really see, but Tyrell was there. She was leaning over me, saying something, but as before, I couldn’t hear her.”Jim felt his blood run cold. A chair. With restraints. Like they one Tyrell had used to secure the doctor while she destroyed his memories all these months ago.He felt sick.“Jesus, Len….”Len shook his head and continued talking, still not looking at Jim.“I couldn’t hear her, but I was aware of my own thoughts at the time. And I remember that I thought about you.”The words were said softly, but they didn’t need much volume to hit Jim straight in the heart.“What?!”His voice sounded strangely squeaky, but Jim didn’t really care. Neither did Len, apparently, for he simply continued talking.“I thought about why I had created that serum and that it hadn’t been about science or the Federation, or even about friendship. It had been about love. He did it because he loved you.”The following words were so quiet Jim barely understood them. “I did it because I loved you.”Jim’s mind was completely blank, his heart located somewhere in his throat by now. There wasn’t a single idea that came to mind what he could say to that.“What were we to each other? When I asked you before, in the beginning, you said… you said we were best friends, and then later you said you didn’t know why I had done it… But – if this truly was a memory, then we were more. So, what were we to each other?”The words were said fiercely, desperately, and when Jim dared to look at Len, his friend stared at him intensely.Jim swallowed, trying to get his heart back into his chest where it belonged.“Everything. Even if we didn’t know it yet.”The words were difficult to get out, Jim’s brain still stuck on the fact that everyone, Sulu, Uhura, hell even Spock, had been right in their assumption. Bones had loved him. He had apparently realized it minutes before Tyrell would take away his life, and Jim forcefully shoved that thought aside. Later. He could hurt for that later.But Bones had loved him. And he finally needed to find out where he and Len stood in that regard.“We never talked about it and nothing ever happened between us. When you disappeared… I wasn’t lying when I told you we were best friends. We were and at the time they took you, that’s how I saw you. You must have realized your feelings sooner. I,” Jim swallowed, forcing himself to finally say the words, “I only realized I loved you as more than a friend once you were gone.”Len stared at him, his face for the first time this evening completely unreadable.“You loved Bones?”It would provide an out, sticking to the name Len hadn’t responded to since then, clearly turning them into two different people, but Jim shook his head. He doubted there would be another chance to speak about their feelings this openly and he was exhausted by the thought of having to hide them any longer.“No. I loved you. I still do.”Jim smiled weakly, trying to ignore the panic that shouted at him to take it back, that this might drive away Len for good, trying to ignore the feeling of raw exposure that left him naked and vulnerable. Without a thought, Jim crossed his arms in front of his chest as if that would somehow stop the rejection that was about to come.“Told you there isn’t much of a difference between your past and present anymore.”Len didn’t say a word after that, simply looking at Jim, his face still that unreadable mask.Then he smiled.“Jim?”“Yeah?”His voice cracked even on the short word, but considering how his heart fluttered in his chest, Jim felt he could be forgiven.“I think I’m okay with you calling me Bones again.”Before Jim fully realized what the other was saying, Len – Bones, he said you can call him Bones again! – moved forward in his chair and after looking for something in Jim’s face, leaned closer and kissed him softly.It was short, it was sweet, and it was the best kiss he ever had in his life.Reaching out to take his friend’s hands in his own, Jim smiled.“Alright.”They would be fine.
We put one foot in front of the other
We move like we ain't got no other
We go where we go
We're marchin' on