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It happened a few times after Jisung returned from the hospital. Almost every night the first week he’d been back. However, it had been nearly two months since Felix was forced awake by fear and anxiety latent dreams. Even longer since one of those dreams forced him to check on Jisung.Felix had always been someone who loves fully and loves deeply. The people dear to him were instantly the most important people in his life. Initially, it was his parents and sisters. But, moving to Korea took those people away from him, added distance. The members helped shorten that distance. And of his eight brothers, three formed the steel bridge and refused to move.Chan became his brother, mentor, even father in some ways. Helped him and fought for him; cried for him.Changbin was another piece. Shamelessly, making Felix feel like he belonged. Cuddled him. Taught him. Took responsibility for him.Then there was Jisung. Who actively did everything in his power to make Felix feel included. Who had become more twin than not at this point. Jisung had stood up for him, cried with him, cried for him, and even went so far as to push himself in ways he shouldn’t for Felix’s benefit. And unlike Chan and Changbin, who were ‘above’ him in some way, Jisung was his equal; they could stand together.3racha meant the world to Felix, all him members did, but 3racha were the first and they truly meant the world to him.It sounded dramatic, but when Jisung collapsed – when Felix had grabbed his falling friend – it felt like the earth crumbled with him. Spiraled down into a mess of guilt, anxiety, and fear. Everything between grasping Jisung’s sweater and seeing Jisung conscious in the hospital bed was a blur. A blur of unease and insecurity.That night he’d slept in Chan’s room. He’d felt guilty for needing comfort. He didn’t pass out. He wasn’t sick. Yet, had he not been in the safety of Chan’s company he would have probably broken down. Sleep had been fit filled that night. He’d woken up a few times.All the nightmares he had about Jisung were similar. His sunshine twin would crumble during practice, but Felix wouldn’t succeed in preventing his friend’s head from hitting the floor. Sometimes things would continue much as they had that day. He, Changbin, and Chan would take Jisung to the hospital and despite the head injury, Jisung would come out of it relatively fine; as he had.Other times, however, things changed. Sometimes the impact would be so hard that Felix would wake up before seeing how bad Jisung was injured. Sometimes, Jisung would stop breathing between the studio and the hospital. Sometimes, he wouldn’t wake up at all.Felix had admitted having these nightmares, admitted it to Jisung somewhat shyly. Embarrassed and ashamed of adding more guilt to his friend. However, Felix had made it a point to be vague about them when questioned.Chan had figured out Felix would occasionally have nightmares, but Felix didn’t want to trouble him. And Jisung asked about the dreams at first, but Felix couldn’t and wouldn’t explain them. He didn’t want to bother his friends.Yet, Felix was currently drenched in sweat; sheets equally damp and legs tangled. He was still silently gasping for breath and could feel his heart pulsing almost painfully against his chest, in his neck, and deep within his ear. The room was silent, but his head was ringing.
They had been practicing, just him and Jisung, dancing intensely. Felix had moved towards the stereo system and a flourish of movement caught his attention in the mirror. He turned just in time to see Jisung crash into the floor. The Aussie stood stunned for four seconds, pulled back to reality by the increasing puddle under Jisung’s head. The red color glistened against the hardwood and started to seep into it; staining it.
“Jisung…” he’d called out as he ran the few steps and knelt down, shaking hands reached out and grasped his friend’s shoulder. Felix pulled away and shoved his hands frantically into his pockets to find his phone, but it wasn’t there.
He slipped as he stood, in the blood; Jisung’s blood. Felix’s knees struck the ground and he felt the contents of his stomach revolt. Swallowing desperately, he crawled to his bag and ripped it open causing everything to scatter.
He fumbled with his phone and dialed 119, but couldn’t speak Korean when the receptionist answered. Instead stringing poorly constructed English together. But it wasn’t working, the man on the other end wasn’t understanding and then the dial tone beeped.
“No...I…” Felix’s brain couldn’t focus. “They…” he opened the phone again and called Chan, “Please, please, please.” he chanted quietly, crawling back to Jisung.
Voicemail.
Felix hung up and dialed 119 again, trying to settle his brain enough to construct basic Korean. Which worked. He hoped.
Then it was just the two of them and Felix watched. Watched the breaths become less frequent. Tried to slow the bleeding. Watched the slight shake. Tried to wake his friend.
The tears started as his eyes opened and the darkness was suffocating. Felix tried to take a deep breath, but it caught in his throat and made his chest tight and painful.He struggled to free himself from the tangled bedding, eventually escaping. The sudden gust chilled his damp body and he staggered to the bathroom. He wasn’t even able to turn on the lights before the bile started to burn the back of his throat and he was barely able to lift the toilet lid before everything came up. A sob bubbled up just behind the half-digested food.He could still see the images in his head, hear Jisung hit the ground, feel his foot slip in – and bile rose again, cascading with a new sob muffled through his closed hand.“Stop. Everything is fine. He’s fine. Just stop…” he gulped back the words, trying to catch his breath.“Felix? Mate, are you okay? What happened? Are you sick?” Chan flicked the lights and quickly knelt by the younger, “Shit, you’re soaked. Do you have a fever?”Felix felt himself blindly latch onto Chan and mutter, “I’m sorry. It’s nothing. I’m being stupid.”“Hey, it’s alright,” Chan shushed quietly, “Just breathe.”Felix shuddered lightly, refusing to close his eyes, “I…”“I said, just breathe ‘lix. Give yourself a few minutes alright. Everything is fine.”After taking a few deep breaths again, Felix tried to explain but was cut off.“Changbinnie is out for the night. So let’s get you changed into something dry and then bring you to my room, okay? Are you going to be sick again?” Chan hadn’t let go.The younger Australian shook his head silently and allowed Chan to help him to his feet. He stood and watched his leader flutter behind him, flushing the toilet and dampening a towel. Felix closed his eyes carefully and allowed Chan to slowly wash his face, “Thank you.”“Anytime ‘lix.” Chan smiled somewhat sadly, “Come on.” He gently led Felix out of the small bathroom, “I’m just glad I was awake and heard you. When did you start feeling sick ‘lix? You should’ve said something.”A flash of Jisung’s unmoving body filled Felix’s vision as he blinked, forcing him to swallow thickly, “I’m not.”Chan frowned but said nothing. Once they entered his bedroom, Chan pushed the younger lightly towards the bed and turned to the closet. “Here. Change out of those wet clothes.” He handed Felix a shirt and sweats, “I’m going to go make you some tea.” he smiled and waited until Felix started to undress before leaving.Felix changed his clothes shakily. He knew he was being ridiculous, knew that Jisung was actually fine. Or he should be fine...He was fine at dinner. He was fine when they’d bid goodnight to each other. But what if he wasn’t fine?“Felix, man you need to tell me what’s wrong,” Chan returned quickly, placing the hot mug down so that he could try and calm Felix, “you need to breathe. Deep breaths ‘lix, long deep breaths.”“Can you,”“‘Lix, really just breathe for me. Please…” Chan sounded desperate.“Can you get Jisung? Please…” Felix felt embarrassed for whining so much, whining for his friend, but he couldn’t shake his anxiety; his fear, “please.”Chan hesitated, confused, before relenting, “Okay…”Felix tried to focus on his breathing as he waited in the brightly lit bedroom. Guilt built slowly. Guilt for keeping Chan awake and for forcing Jisung to get up – but he couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling. He started to tap his foot impatiently.What if Jisung wasn’t fine? Chan wouldn’t return then, he’d have to deal with the situation. Should Felix have gone with him? Should he have gone to Jisung right after waking up?”“Felix?”The youngest Aussie snapped his head up. Chan had returned looking frazzled, in front of him stood a sleepy looking Jisung; hair tousled and hands scrubbing at his eyes like a small child.“You alright ‘lixie?” Jisung pulled his hands away from his eyes, squinting at his best friend. “Channie-hyung said –“Felix jumped forward and laced his arms around his September twin tightly. Feeling the residual heat from sleep seep into his own shirt. “I’m sorry...you should be sleeping.”“Felix, what’s wrong?” Jisung returned the hug, turning slightly to glance at Chan questioningly. “You don’t have to be sorry, just tell me what’s wrong. Chan-hyung said you were sick.”“Nightmare,” Felix muttered almost silently, hoping only Jisung would hear him. He felt Jisung sigh under his hold.“Felix. I promise I’m fine. Nothing is going to happen to me. I wish I could make you see that.”“‘Lix, are you still…” Chan started.“No. No, I don’t know. I haven’t had one in months. And it’s never been this – I don’t know.”“Yeah, ‘lix it’s alright. Remember? I’m fine. Let’s sit down and talk a bit okay?” Jisung squeezed tightly and then pulled back slowly, never removing his hands. Then led his friend back to the bed.“Drink some tea Felix,” Chan passed the still hot liquid over.The hot felt good, though now that Felix could see the worry and guilt in Jisung’s eyes it settled uneasily in his gut, “I shouldn’t have woken you up, Ji.”“‘Lix stop. It’s not your fault. I’m really sorry that I didn’t pay enough attention that day…”“Both of you stop,” Chan spoke, though not unkindly, “It’s not your fault you passed out Ji. you were sick, you didn’t know and neither did we. You can’t blame yourself.”“I don’t blame you,” Felix’s voice tightened.“And it’s not your fault for being affected by it Felix. It was scary. Period. You are close to Ji and it scared you. That’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that, you understand me?”Both the boys nodded at their leader’s words.“Good. Now Felix, what happened? You said it was worse?” Chan tried to lead so that Felix could answer.The younger Aussie’s eyes flickered to Jisung, who simply nodded, “His head, it his the floor. We were alone...I normally wake up when…”“When my head hits the floor?” Jisung offered, receiving a nod, “We were alone? You had to deal with it all by yourself. I’m sorry. That must have been even worse.”“What. No!” Felix squeaked, “It’s not your fault –““Stop!” Chan chastised quietly, running a frustrated hand through his already disheveled hair, “Guys, please. It’s neither of your faults,” his voice sounded desperate and sad; lost.“But…” Jisung started slowly, “It is my fault. Wait. Stop ‘lix listen. I should have mentioned something and if I had, I wouldn’t have needed to go to the hospital and no one would be so worried. Felix wouldn’t be having nightmares, Changbinnie-hyung wouldn’t be trying to treat me like a maknae so much. Hyung you wouldn’t feel so obligated to watch everything I do…” he sighed exasperatedly, “All of that ‘is’ my fault. Even if it was unintentional, and I am sorry for that.”Chan muttered something under his breath, clearly annoyed, “Okay...let’s talk about this tomorrow. Felix, do you think you can sleep? Jisung can stay in here too.”Felix stiffened and Jisung tightened his hold. “Okay Hyung. We’ll share Changbinnie-hyung’s bed.”Chan nodded, then ruffled Jisung’s hair followed by Felix’s, “I’ll be right back. You two settle in, alright?” he waited for them to get under the covers and shut the door quietly behind him as he left the room.“Come here ‘lix,” Jisung pulled his red-eyed friend closer, burying them deep under the blankets. “What else happened ‘lixie?” he slowly ran his hand up and down Felix’s back, “You said you’d stopped having dreams about it.”“I did…” the slightly younger admitted shyly. The anxiety from earlier had already receded and was being replaced by warmth, “I don’t know. You stumbled today before our signing.”“Yeah. Because I missed a step on the stairs. Felix, you know that had nothing to do with my health. I’m a scaredy clutz!”“I can’t explain it, Ji,” Felix paused, “I think you died...in my dream, I mean. I’m, I was too stupid to do anything –“ “You aren’t stupid –““Stupid, so stupid. With my shitty Korean and –““‘Lix. Your Korean is not ‘shitty.’”“But, if I’d been better, you’d of been okay.”“Felix,” Jisung tilted his head to get a better look at the other, to look in his eyes, “I am fine. You were dreaming. You are great at Korean and,” he paused, “if something like that ever did happen, you’d be able to help.”“You don’t –““I do know that. You just need to know that,” Jisung yawned, “You can’t get rid of me that easily anyway. Have you felt my head? It’s as thick as a brick. I’d need to jackknife into the concrete to dent it.”Felix snorted despite his best efforts not to, “It’s not that thick, Ji.”“And, I already promised I’d tell you if something was wrong. Remember? So, even if that soft hardwood floor could hurt my impenetrable head we wouldn’t have even been there in the first place.”“I guess,” Felix dropped his voice, hesitating for a moment before continuing unsurely, “But, you’re – you said that,” he gave a frustrated sound in the back of his throat, “You’ve always been hypoglycemic. Always felt off and never said anything…”“Felix,” Jisung tapered off pained. “I didn’t know. I don’t know how to convince you or help you, but I swear I’ll tell you. Even if we are on stage or, I don’t know, you’re flying home to Australia. Alright? I won’t keep it from you. From anyone.”“Okay.”“Okay,” Jisung cuddled closer, “Now sleep.”“Idiots…” Chan muttered after he was certain the duo was asleep, he’d been listening outside the door waiting for them to drift off. Chan affectionately ran his hand through Felix’s hair and then Jisung’s once again. “The sunshine idiots.” He grabbed an extra blanket from a nearby chest and pulled it over the two. Then shut the light off and climbed into his own bed.