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The first thing he noticed was his t-shirt: plain black, print on the front, In The Court of the Crimson King–– Eduard would have recognized it anywhere.
He smiled, knowing that at least one other person on this god-forsaken, Katy Perry-infested wasteland had decent taste in music (just like he did, because Eduard wore the “obnoxious prog rock fan” badge with pride).
Then it was his accent, the strange ways he stumbled when he spoke swedish: fluently, yes, but with a different tone to it. His name confirmed Eduard’s suspicion: he’d never heard of anyone named Tolys before, “with a y” he made sure to say, because the first time he accidentally wrote “Toris” on his coffee. But Tolys was not mad.
He laughed, and his laughter didn’t have an accent.
Eduard realized that this was a stupid thought, but regardless, the sound of it warmed up his heart.
Then it was his hair, and for days, he just couldn’t get enough of the way Tolys’ brown curls bounced over his shoulder in the wind when he passed through the door every morning, sometimes tied into a ponytail, sometimes in a neat, short braid. And sometimes he came into the coffee shop with what looked more like a greasy mop, but
oh
!, the way he stretched his back when he decided to tie those beautiful, messy hair into a bun! Maybe his hair had never been messy at all: it was just meant to be! And his
neck
!
Had there ever been, on Earth, anything more attractive than the exposed nape of this young man’s neck? No, truly, Eduard didn’t think so.
In the pause between each shift he looked at himself in the mirror, and found his own straight, blond hair to look really plain, compared. Or maybe, it was just the bowl cut– and he really needed a change of style. Not today, though.
He washed his face, ready to go back to his last duties before he would be allowed to go back to his dorm room: cleaning tables, organizing different sizes of paper cups. Making sure that things that needed to be restocked had been indeed bought.
Just before the end of his shift, however, he realized that the display was sorely lacking in donuts. He retrieved a box of fresh ones to arrange next to the few survivors, but just then Tolys walked in: the bags under his eyes gave his gaze such depth… Eduard was sure there was a pretentious quote for this kind of cool, tormented look. Certainly, he remembered something he studied in high school about “byronic heroes”– sadly, as a major in Software Technology and Advanced Programming, poetry had never been his
forte
.
Tolys walked towards him with a determined stride, a rage in his eyes that only a coffee-deprived college students could have.
Eduard gulped. Something in his stomach stirred.
This–– this was
not
the time to think about such things.
“Hello,” he said, with that wonderful accent of his, “a cup of extra-large black coffee, please.”
Eduard couldn’t help but stutter a little.
“It’ll be ready in a moment. That will be 35 kronor!”
The loud, familiar voice came from behind him. Eduard turned, and was greeted by his coworker Erzsébet and her flashing smile.
She handled all the business deal, and he finally restocked the donuts. Tried to restock the donuts. His gaze was inexplicably drawn to Tolys’ shirt today.
Pink Floyd.
Eduard could hear his own heart thumping so loud against his ribcage.
“Eduard.”
Tolys caught him staring. He smiled.
He smiled
, before he grabbed his coffee and walked away.
“Eduard?”
It was time to restock the donuts now. Then, again, Tolys sat down on the closest table (of all places!), and now that he was reading (a thick, yellowed book) Eduard couldn’t help but notice how much glasses complimented his face. They made his green eyes look even bigger. Eduard wondered what was his prescription: how funny it would be if Tolys was actually even more short-sighted than he was, and how–
“Eduard. For fuck’s sake? Does it take so long to whip out some donuts, slap them on a tray, and leave?”
He straightened up and apologized to Erzsébet.
“That’s strange,” she said, “you’re so scrupulous, usually. Really annoying sometimes, no offense.”
“None taken.”
“Has something happened to you, Eddie? You look out of it. Did you lose your place in the charts of your favorite video game? What was it? Minecraft?”
“I play League of Legends.”
Erzsébet snorthed and waved her hand. “All the same. So what’s up?”
“I got a little distracted, is all.”
Eduard placed the last glazed chocolate-filled donut in place, and stole one last glance of the man of his dreams, who looked really focused, somehow really into whatever that old brick of a book contained.
He noticed that Erzsébet stared at him, however.
“Wait,” she said, “wait, wait
wait
. You know that guy?”
“No. He’s just a customer.”
“You were staring.”
Eduard sighed. “You were staring at me, and it makes me uncomfortable.”
Erzsébet gave him a cold pat on the shoulder. “Come into the back. We need to talk.”
Here’s the part where I get in trouble, Eduard thought, but once Erzsébet closed the door of the storage room, her expression changed to a mischievous smile.
“You like him. You
like
him!”
Eduard was sure that his face had turned beet-red. Like a red velvet cake, or a... his mind lacked examples of red-colored food one might find in a coffee shop, but then again, it was hard to think of anything but the fact that he had been caught. “Erzse, what is this all about?”
“So? Eduard has a crush, I see…”
“I don’t!”
“You
so
do. Look at you,” she squealed, and pinched his cheeks, “all red, like a jar of cranberry jam. So I gather that you like Tolys, huh?”
Denial was impossible now. She had him all figured out. He gulped.
“How do you know his name?”
Eduard wanted to shoot himself in the foot, for real. Stupid question. They had to ask for each customer’s nameㄧ
Except Erzsébet had not.
She rolled an arm around his shoulder. “I happen to know him quite well. Well, not
well
, but a little.”
“Is he in your same classes?”
Erzsébet was pursuing a master’s degree in medicine: somehow, that seemed like a fitting match. Both exchange students, both in medicine–– if Eduard had pinned down his accent correctly, both from the Eastern side of the EU. Simple.
However, she shook her head. “No, no, he’s a history guy. Medieval history, if I remember it right. I know him because he’s in my same support group.”
“Alcoholics anonymous?”
“No, you
gamer
!” She managed to make that sound like an insult. “The trans support group, on campus. The one organized by the GSA.”
“
Oh
.”
Eduard didn’t even know that their university had a GSA, nor he had any intention to attend now that he did know. A part of him had always been too shy to come out , publicly at least, as bisexual; so it wasn’t a secret, not to his friends– but he didn’t wear it on his sleeve, either.
Erzsébet, while he stood still to process and archive this useful information, had let go of him to snack on a packet of Oreos.
“That’s all I know, really. He’s a little shy, he doesn’t really speak much, and when he does it’s usually just about exam stress, or about his mother.”
“His mother? Are they... estranged? Because he’s...”
“No, no, his mother loves him lots. Super nice lady, super supportive, from the way he talks about her… she survived breast cancer, earlier this year, and he almost wanted to go back to Lithuania to take care of her.”
Eduard stood there in awkward silence. What do you even say to that?
He decided to say nothing.
“Hear me out, Ed. Eddy. I have an idea.” Erzsébet threw the empty pack of Oreos in the trash. “We can make a deal. I know where to catch him, out of here. I can set up a date for the two of you. I’m an excellent matchmaker. I’m sure I can do it, unless he’s dating someone else...”
Eduard’s heart skipped a beat.
A date!
But this was coming from Erzsébet, so he was sure there would be a downside, eventually.
“What’s my part of the deal?”
Erzsébet smiled. “I’m glad you asked, nerdy boy. In exchange, all you have to do is to introduce me to that cute girl in your coding class.”
“Which girl?”
The question made Erzsébet roll her eyes. “There’s maybe
two
girls in your
whole
class. All of them. Come on. The blonde one.”
Eduard couldn’t find the courage to tell her that he remembered ten girls, and all of them were blondes–– thanks, Sweden, land of multitudes of blond people... he thought, and then remembered that he was also half-Swedish, and also blond. The irony. Nevertheless, the deal was made on a chilly afternoon in Sweden: that night, walking back to his dorm, Eduard felt light-headed, light-hearted, his legs shaky. He walked on clouds, as far as the winds would carry him, to the white door of his shitty, messy room.
As always, Erzsébet had chosen the worst possible moment to talk to him: while the queue of hungry students demanding a sandwich lunch from their café was growing exponentially, sweaty, drooling and hungry for anything that could contain carbs, she pulled him into the cleaning supplies room to hand him a small piece of paper.
“I got his number,” she boasted with a shit-eating grin, “and I got you a date.”
“It took you long enough, Erzsébet.”
Eduard tried to act unaffected, but his heart was bursting with joy, a joy that felt a lot like anxiety.
He stared at the precious string of numbers. Tolys did not have the best handwriting (it was spiky, narrow, a little old-fashioned) but it was the best thing he had seen in a long, long time.
“You know the meetings are every couple weeks, right? I couldn’t just corner him out of his classes and be like, hey Tolys, this friend of mine wants to date you! That would have been embarrassing. We’ve barely talked at all before.”
Eduard was puzzled. “So how did you convince him?”
“I asked him how he was doing, listened to him, shared some stories, all that. I found out he’s single, so I told him that I had a friend who is also single, and might be interested in a date. He didn’t seem too convinced, but he did give me his number and permission to give it to you, so…”
Erzsébet gave him a strong slap on his shoulder before she headed out to the counter again. “You can thank me later, nerdy boy. Text him and make sure to use all of your attack stats, roger that?”
She disappeared behind the bright green door, leaving Eduard alone with Tolys’ number.
He promptly saved it in his contacts, and opened a new blank text to send.
His fingers went numb.
He had fantasized about this for so long: and now, what?
He wasn’t sure about what would be appropriate to tell this gorgeous guy that he barely knew at all. He needed to come up with something, and quickly.
Hello! I’m Eduard. Erzsébet gave me your number.
Eduard struggled to hit send. No way! This had no personality at all!
At the same time, though, it was like every single interest he had ever had in his life had managed to sneak out of his mind, leaving only a blank space.
Hello! I’m Eduard, I work at the Toasty Bean. Erzsébet gave me your number.
Not a lot, but better. He closed his eyes before sending the message, he felt his knees going weak, his heart beating like he was the shy protagonist of a cliché teen drama series.
He put his phone in do-not-disturb mode, and headed out to meet the masses of broke, hungry college students.
If they can’t have an actual, nutritious meal
, he thought,
let them eat donuts
.
At the end of his shift, Eduard saw three unread messages on his phone.
He had to walk all the way home, to the comfort of his own room and of the pile of clothes on his bed before he could find in his heart the courage to open them: unsurprisingly, Tolys sounded as nice through texts as he had expected him to.
Hello Eduard! I’m Tolys. Erzsébet gave me your number, too, but I didn’t know if you really wanted me to text you or not. She really insisted on saying that you wanted to have a date, but wouldn’t it be nice to get to know each other first?
Tomorrow at 5? Unless you have work. That’s ok. I can wait for you!
At the Toasty Bean, of course. ;-)
The little wink made him smile. There were still people who typed their emoticons instead of using the ones in their phones. And Tolys was one of them.
My shift ends at 4.30, so I’ll be the one waiting for you. See you tomorrow!
Eduard couldn’t stop smiling as he typed, slowly and carefully, making sure there was no mistake in those two sentences. And sure enough, he checked four times for typos, but even though he found none he felt that something was missing.
Then, it dawned on him.
My shift ends at 4.30, so I’ll be the one waiting for you. See you tomorrow! :-)
Perfection.
After he sent the text, a wave of electricity ran through his nerves, brain chemicals be damned.
He tried to think of a good outlet for all this tension he felt, something that could turn all of this romantic energy into something productive. He briefly considered homework, or going out for a run. Finally he settled on League, and spent the rest of the afternoon playing, fueled by all the anxiety and anticipation, by the idea that tomorrow, he had a
date
with a man he liked.
The first and last date Eduard ever had with someone was five years before, when he was still in high school.
His friend Agnes, founder of the school’s unofficial Dungeons and Dragons club, invited him to hang out after class. A date for just the two of them.
Eduard had nothing against Agnes: she was cute, with soft cheeks, softer hands, and a very high pitched laugh. Yet all of this was not enough to make his heart flutter, at least not in the way he expected it to be when two people fall in love.
Agnes was a sweet girl, and she smiled sweetly when Eduard asked her to just be friends.
Eduard had had crushes before, but it had never been like this.
There was his best friend in middle school, Inaya, with her dark eyes, her bright pink headscarf and a smile that Eduard could never forget, not even after she transferred to another school before he ever had a chance to confess. There was a boy in his last year of high school, a brooding young man with dark hair and darker clothes. He always passed by him in the hallways, but Eduard had never been brave enough to ask him out, or even to talk to him at all– Eduard hadn’t told any of his friends about him, either, afraid that they would have judged him.
So even if this was not his first, really, it almost felt like it. He had never been on a date with someone he liked
this much
.
Which was stupid, really, since he didn’t know Tolys that much at all.
To add to the list of his woes, he finished his shift late, so he didn’t have the time to go home and shower. To try to fix this tragedy, he frantically scrubbed his face and hands of any possible traces of coffee and sugar glaze, and covered his entire body in body spray he found in Erzsébet’s locker.
Much to his dismay, the body spray was strawberry and vanilla scented.
Eduard tried to shrug it off, assuming that in a place that smelled so strongly like coffee and cake, Tolys would not have noticed that he, of all people, was the source of the strawberry cake scent that polluted the air. Also, being a walking, talking pie was still preferable to showing up on your first date with the stench of sweat and coffee grounds.
Eduard waited by the door, fidgeting nervously more and more with each passing minute. Somehow, the half an hour long wait seemed to last an eternity. His hands were sweating so much that he wondered if the body spray had been of any use at all.
Finally, after his mind had gone through all of the possible nightmare scenarios about how this date would go, Tolys walked into the café– straight to the counter, or so it seemed.
His brown cardigan matched his hair, and similarly brown corduroy pants.
Eduard swallowed and mustered all the courage he could find in himself to call for him.
“Tolys?” His voice broke, and he hated himself for it so much. However, it caught Tolys’ attention. “Um, well, I’m Eduard. Nice to see you.”
Tolys stared at him for a few seconds, deadpan. Eduard’s mind was filled with racing thoughts, what if his hair was too messy, what if his face looked stupid, what if the body spray was a mistake, what if, what if–– what if, Tolys put an end to all with a smile, another smile that Eduard could never forget.
“I think I have seen you before.” He sat down at the table, and placed the heavy bag that he had been carrying on the ground. “Right, what a dumb thing to say. You work in here! It’s nice to see you. I mean,
here-here
, not behind the counter.”
Eduard smiled back at him. Tolys needed to work a little bit more on his Swedish, but he thought it was absolutely endearing. Just like his accent.
“Yeah. It’s nice to see you too. Um. From the other side.”
“The
other side
! You’re a funny guy.”
“I try my best…”
The conversation seemed to have died there for a moment; Tolys asked Eduard what he wanted to drink, so that he could order something for both of them.
“Anything but coffee,” Eduard said, and Tolys seemed to find that hilarious.
He excused himself, and came back five minutes later with an extra large coffee, and a cup of matcha latte. Eduard usually hated the bitter taste of matcha, but he could swear that on that specific afternoon, it tasted sweeter than honey.
“So. Erzsébet tells me you’re a programmer. Is coding hard? I’ve always wondered. I’ve never been good at maths.”
He seemed genuinely curious, judging from the way he looked at Eduard.
“It’s not as hard once you get the hang of it,” he shrugged, “then again, it really depends on what language you’re developing for, some are harder than others. Some are really good for beginners, if you ever want to try.”
Tolys nodded silently.
“And if you ever want to see some of the things I do, I’m trying to get into game developing.”
“Does that mean you make video games?”
“I’m planning on it,” Eduard suddenly felt awkward about his own work, and the fact that he barely had the energy to do his homework, let alone working on his personal projects. “It’s not easy when you have schoolwork, and a part time job, and– well, mostly I do mods for games that I play.”
“I see. I’m sorry if I’m not adding much, Eduard– I’m not much of a gamer myself, but I think that your projects are really cool.” Tolys finished his cup of coffee in what couldn’t have been more than three sips. “Mind if I get another one?”
“Not at all.”
He walked away once again, something that Eduard was so used to seeing almost every day; despite that, the familiar multiple orders that Tolys placed every single time he came there seemed so different… from the other side.
If Eduard always thought it was funny, now it was all so endearing. He wondered how much caffeine Tolys could withstand on an average day.
He came back with another extra large, so apparently, a lot of it.
“I’m sorry, I just needed an extra boost. Classes kicked my ass today..:”
Eduard was surprised to hear the words kicked my ass coming from his mouth, and he was painfully reminded (like a proper kick in the ass) that until now, he had not asked a single question about Tolys’ life.
“What classes did you have today?”
He tried. Tolys gave him a weary half-smile. “Art history, germanic philology, and slavonic studies… and I am done for the day, thankfully. I started at 8 am this morning, you know.”
“
Ugh
. Yes, I do know.” Eduard tried to find something funny to say, but he knew absolutely nothing about whatever subjects Tolys just named. Now he understood
why
the coffee, however.
“So history, huh? You said that programming is hard, but I bet I could never remember all of those dates.”
“It’s not all about the dates. It’s mostly about the culture. The context. Ah, but the dates are important too, of course.”
“What made you want to study history, if I may ask?”
“You may.” Tolys laughed, and it made Eduard’s heart skip a beat. “I always liked it, it’s all. When I was a child, reading and writing stories about knights and dragons was my passion.”
His face suddenly turned red, and his eyes wide. “Ah, I’m sorry! That was embarrassing just now.”
“Not at all, no! I mean, well,” Eduard couldn’t help but stutter a little, “the whole reason why I want to become a developer is because I liked playing Pokémon as a kid. So there.”
Tolys seemed to find that reassuring. That, and he finished the second cup of coffee in the span of less than thirty minutes. Eduard was impressed.
“I’m glad you think so. It’s just always been my favorite thing, you see. The legends about King Arthur, and Charlemagne… when I was a child, I wanted to be a brave knight. Then I settled on wanting to be a history teacher, and I guess I haven’t changed my mind ever since.”
“That’s awesome, actually. I mean, I think you would make a really good knight, too.”
Tolys laughed and tossed the empty paper cup aside. “You mind if I…”
“Get another one?” Eduard stood up to join the small queue of people at the counter. “Don’t worry, this one is on me.”
By the time they were done talking, the sky was getting dark.
Eduard realized that he had not checked his phone in hours: he was greeted by an avalanche of texts from Erzsébet, half of them yelling at him for stealing her body spray, half of them asking how the date went.
He decided that he would answer her later; in the meanwhile, he had more important things to focus on. Tolys said that his apartment was on the way, so they could walk together for a few more minutes. He really wish they could have held hands, or linked their arms, but maybe it was a bit too early for that, wasn’t it? Eduard was not sure.
His arm brushed close to his for a moment, and his heart ached desperately for more.
The apartment where Tolys lived with his host family was, apparently, on the third floor of an old building, close to the park.
They stopped in front of the gate as he rustled in his pockets to find his keys.
“There you go,” he said, pulling out a couple of keys attached to an endless strings of keychains. The sight made Eduard’s heart flutter.
“So I guess this is goodbye. Thank you for walking with me, Eduard. I had a good time.”
“Me too, actually. See you soon, then.”
“Yeah.”
Eduard couldn’t help but notice, however, that the mood seemed to have changed. Tolys avoided his eyes nervously, and struggled to keep his hands still.
He wondered if maybe, Tolys expected something from him: a confession, maybe a second date? A kiss, maybe? Maybe his own hesitation had been a mistake. Before he could even begin to speak, Tolys’ voice interrupted him.
“Eduard, I’m so sorry, there is something I need to tell you.”
Oh, shit.
Eduard gulped.
“Sure. Go ahead.”
There was a moment of awkward silence. It was hard to tell which one of them was more nervous. Eduard's knees felt shaky: he blamed it on the chilly evening breeze, but he knew that it was a lie. A comforting one; still, a lie.
Tolys' voice came out just as shaky.
"
I really should have told you first, I’m sorry. I was not sure about this date thing, but Erzsébet insisted so much… Eduard, I do like you, I haven’t had this much fun in a long while. ”
Somehow, Eduard was not surprised.
Here’s the part where he rejects me
, he thought,
just like I rejected Agnes back then.
He wondered how Agnes had managed to smile at all.
“Not too long ago, you see, I was engaged. I had a fiancé in Vilnius. Feliks and I have been together for five years… we've been through so much together, both of us. I don't think anyone else knows me better than he does. But the, the distance, you see, we couldn’t keep it up. We decided that it was best to break up, at least while I am studying here.”
The lonely, forced smile on his face actually broke Eduard’s heart.
“So while it’s possible that he will never want to be with me again, and maybe I’m just being stupid, and naive… I don’t think I’m ready for another relationship, after him. Not right now, at least. I just had to tell you, Eduard, so that you can know what to expect from me, from now on.”
Eduard had never been the sentimental type. He never cried during mushy, tear-jerking movies; he considered himself a pretty rational guy, all things considered.
Right now, however, while it wasn’t hard to hold back tears, he found it extremely difficult to speak. He didn’t know what he even expected from this date; after all, it was the first time the two of them had spoken to one another at all, save for the daily orders of extra large black coffee, with no added sugar, and an occasional chocolate cake.
Had he fallen for the cliché romcom tropes? Had he really thought that the guy on the other side of the counter could be the love of his life?He didn't know the answer to those questions now, and maybe he would never know.
“I understand.”
Stupid, stupid, stupid response
, but it was all he could come up with.
That didn't seem enough. Eduard coughed to clear up his voice.
“I suppose we can be friends, though?”
Even worse. He really messed this one up.
Yet, Tolys seemed to feel more at ease now, and he adjusted a loose curl of hair behind his ear. “Yes, of course. You can teach me how to code, maybe?”
“It would be awesome.”
“Thank you so much, Eduard! Next Friday, maybe? I am free all day.”
“Next friday sounds good.”
Tolys waved as he walked into the building, a brown shadow disappearing in the white light of led light bulbs.
He was not wearing a band shirt today
, Eduard thought.
Maybe Tolys was all dressed up for their date; the fact that he probably considered corduroy to be somewhat elegant made Eduard wonder whether this guy really came from another age- or at least another decade.
Since the next date was not going to be a date, not a date-date, at least, maybe next Friday Tolys would show up in one of his shirts, and Eduard would pretend to notice it for the first time, and ask him about King Crimson, and compliment his taste in music, and… the thought was enough to make him smile.
Knowing Tolys, being able to talk to him about everything he ever wanted to ask him was enough to make him happy, at least for now.
This time, not only he knew the name of the guy he liked, but he had asked him out, and now they were going to be friends: wasn’t this what people would call “progress”?
He thought so, yes.
Yes
, he thought,
this is enough. More than enough.
He took his phone out of his pocket, and sent a text to Erzsébet.
Sorry for the deodorant. Thank you so much, Erzse. I don’t tell you often, but you’re the best.
He locked his phone screen, and noticed a pigeon looking down at him from a street light.
“You’re right,” he said, and didn’t ask himself why he felt the need to talk to a bird. “It’s time to go home.”
Tomorrow was going to be another day, and the next another, and until next Friday would come… yes, until the time would come, que será, será.