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“Okay,” Foggy says, unpacking onto Matt’s living room table. He’s breaking up the stale, pervasive atmosphere of disappointment surrounding him: from Matt, wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, his arm in a sling; Jessica, next to him, slumped on an angle to keep her broken ribs from cutting into her lungs; Luke is relaxing in the arm chair, his head held perfectly still to stave off post-concussive symptoms; meanwhile, Danny sits at the bottom of the stairs, his own body such a mess of injuries that he can’t muster the strength to save his friends from theirs. Karen smiles at him encouragingly from the kitchen, waiting for her cue. Foggy nods to her and then begins: “Look, I know you’re all upset to be cooped up in Matt’s apartment recovering. I know you’d all much rather be adding to your currently massive lists of bodily injury by roaming the streets looking for superpowered villains to fight.”
“Saving people,” Matt grumbles. “Not listening to you,” Jessica adds. “Guys,” Luke says. He’s clearly heard enough of their backtalk today. Matt and Jess also seem to have rehearsed their apathetic shrugs, since they do theirs one right after another, a continuous motion from one side of the couch to the other of rolling eyes and shoulders. Foggy continues speaking to the at best despondent room. “I came here to say that I have found a solution to all your problems!” “What is it, Foggy?” Karen asks from the kitchen. “I’m so glad you asked, Karen!” “So am I,” Matt says, “Given how well your rehearsals of this bit went in the hallway.” “Oh, then you know how this goes,” Luke sasses right back at him. “Stop interrupting so the rest of us can find out.”
“This is ridiculous –“
Foggy points at Matt and picks up from there, improvising, “Ridiculously fun!” He yanks a weathered hardcover out of his satchel and presents it to the room. “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Dungeons & Dragons! The exciting roleplaying adventure game that your parents thought promoted Satanism back in the 80s!”
“Wow, Foggy!” Karen is still feigning excitement. Badly. “And here I was thinking Dungeons & Dragons was just a terrible movie!” “A terrible movie trilogy!” Foggy corrects her. “Can you cut it with the Vaudeville schtick?” Jessica groans. “I haven’t had a drink today, and Vicodin is shit against this level of enthusiasm.” “That’s a dollar for the jar,” Luke tells her. Jessica gives him the finger. Luke, without looking at her, holds up two fingers, then points at the swear jar they’ve established on the counter. The one loaded with slips of paper indicating IOUs from Jessica and a handful of pocket change Matt threw in there pre-emptively in anticipation of a shitty day. Foggy clears his throat. He starts assembling the coffee table for gameplay. “D&D is about ragtag teams working for the greater good.” Matt shakes his head. “Everybody knows it’s about the loot, Foggy.” “Loot you collect by working for the greater good!” Foggy says. He pulls out character sheets. “I’ve made all your profiles. I will be your DM. Er…I will be your Dungeon Master. I will guide you through the world, its dangers, its excitements!” “Please, stop,” Luke begs. Foggy spins on his heel to address the whole room. “You all have a chance here to do some real good! In a fictional, fantasy landscape!” “That does sound great,” Karen agrees with false, hopeful cheeriness. She strides forward into the living room and collects a character sheet. Matt scoffs. Jessica scoffs too. “Yeah, I’m with you,” she says.
Luke resists the urge to roll his eyes at the both of them. He’s still too dizzy. “I think I’m going to sit this one out.”
“What? No, Luke!” Foggy shuffles through the sheets to find the one he made for Luke. “Look, I’ll even read your character stats to you! All you have to do is occasionally roll some dice! Oh, and describe what your character does!”
“Nelson –“
“Please?” Danny clears his throat from the stairs. He’s crept into the living room slowly, humbly, his aching body one more shameful display amidst his injured friends. He should be able to help, but he can’t, and the disgrace is a fitting punishment. Still, he risks lifting his eyes from the ground to meet Foggy’s face. “I’ll take one.”
Foggy beams. “You are going to love this one!” He hands off a sheet to Danny, who takes it in his shaking hands and proceeds to read through it. “Jessica? Matt?” Foggy asks. “Out,” Jessica declares. “Pass,” Matt says. “You can drink in the game,” Karen notes. Jessica is unimpressed. “Fake drink.” “Better than not-drinking though, right?” Silence. Jessica considers her options. She tosses her head between her shoulders, not wanting to be as interested as she clearly is. “Can I swear in the game?” Karen looks at Foggy. “Dungeon Master? Is there a swear jar in-game?”
“No swear jar,” Foggy says. “UGH, FINE.” Jessica leans forward slightly, extending her arm when her body fails to move more than an inch. The second she has her sheet in her hand, “Fucking right – no swear jar.”
Luke eyes her from across the room. “Can my character create a swear jar?”
“You’ll have to roll for it, but yes, you should be able to create a swear jar,” Foggy says. “Don’t you fucking dare,” Jessica snarls. “We aren’t even playing the game yet!” But Jessica holds up her sheet to prove that yes, yes, they most certainly are. Foggy leaves them to argue it out across the room. “Matt?” He shakes the remaining character sheet in his hand. Matt steels his expression in a way that would be intimidating if his big, brown puppy dog eyes weren’t showing. “I made you a neutral good Rogue!” Foggy says. Matt directs his eyes at the ceiling in a show of exasperation. And a prayer for strength. “Let me guess: with heightened senses?” “Heightened constitution,” Foggy replies, beaming. “So basically the opposite of what you have in real life,” Jessica mumbles. “Wait, what does constitution mean?” Danny asks. “And why does Jessica know what it is?” Luke adds. Jessica glares at all of them. “There were some nerds who played at my high school.”
“Were you one of those nerds?” Karen prods like a good investigative journalist. “I was the one who saved them from getting shoved into their lockers.” And just like that, Jessica is very interested in her stats again, refusing to say more. Matt sighs. “Fine.” He holds out a hand and snatches the last character sheet. Foggy claps his hands together. “Awesome! Let’s begin!” Happy Reading!