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“By the way, how did that talk with Jace go?” Magnus asked later that night.
Alec sighed, feeling a headache mount up behind his eyes. And he’d been so relaxed just a second ago. “I don’t know. I mean, I think I accomplished my goal, anyway.”
Magnus was silent for a moment. Alec knew that his boyfriend could recognize that tone in his voice, and he also knew that Magnus was annoyingly good at getting Alec to spill without having to say a word himself.
“I don’t think we’re in danger of Jace trying to kill himself,” Alec said bluntly. That, after all, had to be the top priority. The rest could wait. Pulling Jace out of this dark hole of depression wasn’t going to be easy, and the whole thing would be useless if Jace decided he was done living in utter despair and checked out before they could get him help. “But I think I really screwed up that conversation.”
“How so?” Magnus prompted gently.
“I… well, I went for the guilt angle. I didn’t mean to, I swear. I was going to be all gentle and kind, and then…”
“What?”
“He brushed me off! And then when I pressed him, he told me I should have killed him to save Clary.” The words made Alec’s blood boil with anger even now, hours later, and he took a couple of deep breaths to cool off before continuing. “So I tried to make him feel like shit about dishonoring Clary’s memory, and about wasting the risk and sacrifice we all went through, and when he just kept on staring at me I… I made it about myself. I told him what losing him would do to me. And I could tell that’s the one thing that was getting through to him, so maybe I did right, but I just feel… I feel like I’m failing him again.”
Alec hadn’t been looking at Magnus while speaking. It was always difficult to confront those understanding eyes when he was in the middle of feeling sorry for himself. But, as was generally the case, Magnus knew how to force the issue. He sat up in the bed and shifted around so he was sitting in front of Alec, straddling his legs but sitting far enough away that their faces were a foot apart. “Alec, listen to me. Are you listening?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re not failing him. Jace is going through unimaginable pain right now. He’s not thinking clearly. And if he’s not thinking clearly, then neither are you. You’re scared for him, and that’s alright. The important thing is to let him know you’ll be there always - no matter what.”
Alec let himself be comforted for a moment, staring into those eyes he loved so much. He lifted his hand and brushed it along the side of Magnus’ face, feeling gratified when Magnus leaned in to the touch almost by instinct. “I appreciate the encouragement,” he said finally, his words a little croaky. “But the truth is, as much as I’m worried about Jace, as much as he’s scaring me right now, I’m also - I’m also angry with him, and I can’t…” he looked down, feeling a lump in his throat. “I can’t help it, I know it’s not fair of me to make all of this about me, but how could he - how could he be thinking about - ” he hadn’t been aware that he’d started crying until Magnus rose himself up and wrapped his arms around Alec, pressing him close and making comforting shushing noises into his hair.
They sat like that for a while, Magnus wrapped around Alec, Alec’s face pressed into Magnus’ bare shoulder. Eventually, Alec took a deep breath, then another, letting his body relax into the embrace. He was surprised to find that he wasn’t done talking about this, even after the somewhat cathartic crying. Saying it all out loud and being met with only love and understanding was actually helping him. “I try to put myself in his shoes,” Alec said. “I can’t even imagine it, Magnus, what it would feel like for me if I lost you. I don’t even like thinking about it. And that’s what Jace is going through. My Parabatai lost the love of his life, and there’s nothing I can do to help him.”
“And on top of that,” Magnus pointed out, a hint of his reasoned tone firming up under the sympathy, “he’s dealing with the consequences of hurting people while possessed. I know you’ve got some idea of what that’s like as well.”
Alec nodded, dully. “I know. And it sucked. And after what I did to Jocelyn, I felt like giving up. I was miserable, and self-destructive, all of that. And Jace tried to be there for me, and I didn’t want to let him at first. I can see what this is like from the other side, and I know he’s in pain. But…” Alec wasn’t sure if voicing the next part out loud was going to hurt Magnus’ feelings. He wasn’t sure if saying it would make the situation better or worse. But he’d come this far, and he found that he wanted to voice it, damn the consequences. “Magnus, I would never, never be willing to die, I would never think about killing myself, as long as Jace was still alive.”
There’s an unspoken second half to that statement, that if Jace was dead, Alec’s state of mind might have been quite different. Alec could almost hear Magnus realize this, tense himself to discuss it, and then let it drop away for another time.
Alec continued - “If I died, I know what it would do to Jace, because I felt it myself when Jace died at Lake Lyn. And even if I hadn’t felt it personally, I… I know what losing me would do to him, and I love him too much to ever put him through that. The physical pain alone was unbearable, and the rest of it is just… it’s too terrible to think about. But he was thinking about it. He was really - he was in such a bad place that he thought about taking his own life, and he wasn’t thinking about me at all. Does it make me a monster if I’m angry with him for it?”
Magnus was quiet for so long this time that Alec wondered with a spark of fear if he’d crossed a line, if Magnus was disgusted with him for his selfishness. But finally, slowly, Alec felt Magnus raise his head to press a kiss against Alec’s forehead, and his boyfriend’s voice came to him, a balm of benediction.
“You love Jace. He knows you love him. And for now, Alexander, that’s going to have to be enough to get on with. You’ll talk to him again tomorrow. You’ll make sure he knows you’re here to support him. And when you feel yourself feeling angry at everything that’s happened, you’ll come home and you’ll rant and rave to me, or to Izzy, or whoever you want, and then you’ll go back to Jace and you’ll do it all over again, until one day things don’t seem so bleak.”
“You make it sound easy,” Alec said, trying to shake off the wobble in his voice.
“On the contrary, It’ll be extremely difficult and painful. But I know you, and you’re more than up for the task.”
Alec wasn’t sure if he could believe him, all things considered. He was still berating himself for the way that talk with Jace had gone. Jace had apologized to him for feeling suicidal, and Alec knew the part of him that felt relieved at the apology was in the wrong. He needed to be stronger for his grieving Parabatai, just like he needed to be stronger for Magnus, given what he was going through without his magic. And Magnus’ words, whether Alec believed them to be true or not, were a boost to Alec’s flagging morale. At this point, he’d take whatever help he could get.
With a sigh, Alec blinked back the last bit of moisture from his eyes and sat up, disengaging from Magnus slightly but keeping their faces close together. Slowly, deliberately, he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss against Magnus’ lips. He made himself focus only on that sensation, pushing all thoughts of guilt and grief and anger from his mind for a blissful few seconds.
“Enough about that,” Alec said as he pulled back. He made himself smile, and was surprised to find it wasn’t as difficult as he might have imagined. “You and I are going to hit the gym in the morning.”
“Excuse me?” Magnus said, quirking an eyebrow at the abrupt change of subject.
“You heard me. I know you’re still processing losing your magic, but it’s high time you learn other ways of taking care of yourself.”
“And you think you’re going to be the one to teach me?”
“Sure. You have a problem with that?”
“I’ve watched you Shadowhunters train. I’m more a creature of comfort and leisure, you know - decadence is the name of the game when you’re a centuries-old society icon. All that sweating and running around punching things is hardly dignified.”
“Alright, fair enough,” Alec said. “It’s your choice - you can train with me, or…” he paused for effect, “I can always hand you off to Izzy.”
Magnus’ eyes widened in only partially exaggerated horror, and Alec barely rolled out of the way of Magnus’ tackle in time. “I’ll show you how capable I am of taking care of myself, Mr. Lightwood,” Magnus growled, and Alec, letting his own laughter carry the last of the day’s stresses away, began his first informal training session with his wonderful boyfriend. He had a feeling the Clave wouldn’t approve of these particular tactics, and he didn’t care a bit.