Work Text
Once when I was seven years old, I became the next Hokage. And of course, that changed my life. It also made me gay!”—Hugh Neutron The black skies blackened over Detroit, making it only slightly more black. Hugh looked at his Yu-Gi-Oh deck, when he had a vision. “He must win!” The vision said, before it faded to black. “What is it, bro? What did you see?” Canadian Kakashi said to Hugh. “Gah! Oh sorry, I thought you were my Uncle Dan. You know, my Uncle Dan once sat on a banana too! But he was already gay, so he became transgender.” Hugh replied. “Cool story, eyy bro! I hope that My-dick-ari You-Chia-Pet-Rawr (Madara Uchiha, Kakashi can’t say his name due to his thick accent) doesn’t come to fuck us all in the arse!” Kakashi said way too casually. All of a sudden, Hugh and Canadian Kakashi could hear screaming coming from outside. They opened the door, initially figuring that it was Tommy the Wizardtard. “KAKASHI!!!!” Madara yelled, at the top of his lungs. “Oh fuck bro, not that guy again! I think I owe him money!” Kakashi said worriedly. “Eh, it’s not my fault your fucking gay clan got wiped out by that E-Tacky guy, bro!” Kakashi yelled. “His name was ITACHI! AND HE DIDN’T WIPE OUT OUR CLAN! HOMOSEXUALITY DID, ITACHI BROUGHT TRAPS UPON OUR LAND!” Madara yelled. “Itachi was less gay than you are!” Kakashi yelled back. “Is that so??” “Yeah bro! I like girls, so I identify as lesbian!” By this point, Madara finally lost patience and revealed his master plan. “I have summoned the Four Legends, of which will rain down fiery justice upon this world!” Madara screamed. “Are you gonna summon another one of those meteors, Mada-rino? I could go for a big, fat PIE meteor…” Hugh said, licking his lips. “No! Instead, I shall rain down fire!” Four shadowy figures stood next to Madara. The Four Legends had risen, as Logan Paul, Snotty Boi, El Grande Padre and Sheldon Cooper rose from the ethereal plane. “WELL, you do need a lot of heat if you want to make pie! That’s what ovens are for! I don’t think fire would be necessary though, “I’m gonna bring that STUPID frog back now! Reanimation Jutsu!” Snotty Boy yelled. All of a sudden, Kermit popped back up from the underground. “I’m back motherfuckers, and I have a new form! I have acquired the power of the Frog of Destruction!” Kermit yelled, screaming as he transformed into the Frog of Destruction. “This could get ugly, old friend.” Hugh said as he readied his Blue Eyes White Dragon. “It already is bro, I can smell the kid with braces from here!” Canadian Kakashi replied. (fade to black) Meanwhile, in another place, yet somewhat nearby… “Hey Jimmy, did Ultra Lord ever use the Rasengan?” Sheen asked. “Miss me with that weeb shit, nigga.” Jimmy replied. “Hey Jimmy, why is the sky so dark?” Carl asked. “Good question, Carl. You see, weather changes very quickly in the Midwestern United States. But we live in Texas, so who the fuck knows.” “Oh, I gotcha Jimmy. But why’s there a giant meteor falling from the sky?” Carl asked. “Well, you don’t see that every day.” Sheen added. “Another good question, Carl! I have no fucking idea!” Jimmy answered. A massive explosion then happened as Madara’s meteor crashed into the ground. Hugh and Canadian Kakashi managed to escape, conveniently enough. Debris blew up from the ground and blew over most of the town, covering a massive amount of land with dirt and dust. Weebtachi XxXLordUchihaXxX and his twink boyfriend Deku were awoken from their sleep by that giant fucking meteor hitting the ground. Deku began to cry, as he did whenever a minor inconvenience happened. “O shit nibba, what just happened?!” Itachi yelled. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!” Deku cried. If you think Deku’s crying is bad now, you should hear him when Itachi buttfucks him. It’s like an air raid siren meets a goddamned rocket engine. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGRUBIOENWIBONWEOSVNS” Deku yelled again. It’s a little known fact, but all of Deku’s friends and classmates wear invisible noise-cancelling headphones so his constant crying won’t cause them permanent ear damage. Naruto then bursted into Itachi and Deku’s door. “I swear to god, if you say some dumbass shit about ‘believing in friendship’, I’ll kill myself here and now.” Itachi said. “MADARA IS HERE! BELIEVE IT!!” Naruto said somewhat enthusiastically. “I appreciate you not using Talk no Jutsu this time.” Itachi replied. “Madara is here?!” Deku yelled, starting to cry again. “Boi, shutcho crying ass, bitch ass, ol’ nerd lookin’ ass, dye-headed ol’ twink Irish farmboy lookin’ ass up, we gotta roll out!” Itachi replied. “We have to gather our Lin Kuei and Shirai Ryu brothers to form the Neutronic Ninja Alliance!” Naruto yelled. “I’ll show them my clout as a REAL anime nigga! I didn’t play Smash Ultimate for fifty hours and buy the ultimate edition of Jump Force for nothing!” Itachi said, his voice growing more gangsta by the second. Meanwhile, Jimmy’s house was covered in debris. “Hey, you don’t think that Madara guy is back, do you?” Carl asked. “Of course Madara is back, Shonen Jump needs the extra cash for their collection of Indonesian sex slaves.” Sheen replied. Hugh and Canadian Kakashi bursted through the door, as they had escaped through the smoke. “Hey Jimbo, get on your Shinobi gear! Madara’s back!” Hugh then noticed that Kakashi had lost his jacket and was now wearing his ninja undersuit. “What’s up with the male stripper ninja getup there, non-Jimbo?” Hugh asked. “Fuck bro, I’m getting together with Blaire White later tonight! I have to embrace my sexuality, and the probable loss of my ass virginity!” Canadian Kakashi replied. “Whatever floats your boat, my man!” “AWAY, BIG GAY!” Carl screamed, forming his hands into a Christian cross. To be continued.