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The clock in the hallway struck eleven. Ray reclined on the sofa, smiling at the conclusion of the Friday night action movie. He grinned ear to ear, quite satisfied with the way the plot had unfolded. The giant killer robots were defeated, the hero and heroine got out of the fight unscathed, and the people of the city were watching a new day dawn as they crawled out of the rubble, ready to face another day…
Yawning, he stretched as he kicked his feet up onto the sofa. He was just about ready to click the off button on the TV remote when the soft sound of padded footsteps coming from down the hall alerted him before he could even reach for the remote on the coffee table. He chose to put his feet down instead, and make space for the sleepy-eyed boy who had wandered in. “Hey, Miles, what are you doing up so late?”
“Where’s Father?” Miles reached a hand up to rub at his eyes. The pyjama-clad boy stepped around the side of the sofa and plopped himself down on it, his feet barely dangling above the ground.
“He’s working late at the office tonight. He’s taking a really big case to trial next Monday, and he didn’t let me come along this time. Told me to focus on my final exams first.” Ray sighed, stretching an arm across the back of the sofa. “It’s not like you to stay up past your bedtime, you know? Is something bothering you?” He gave his best assuring smile and lightly nudged Miles on the shoulder with the hand that wasn’t currently slung across the sofa. “You can always count on your big brother Ray to listen.”
Ray watched the young boy as he fidgeted uncomfortably. He was almost nine, but looked much younger when his face was being illuminated by the ghostly hues emanating off the TV screen.
It must’ve been something that bothered him greatly
, Ray noted silently.
He’s usually so honest about things.
They were silent for a while, but something else caught Ray’s attention and he sprung right into action. On screen, the hero and heroine of the story were sharing this big, overblown romantic moment. They came together in a passionate embrace, and he had only time to slap a hand over Miles’s eyes and slam the off button on the TV remote before the couple started kissing.
“Geez, we can’t have you watching this!” Ray almost squealed. “I’d probably get us both in trouble with your dad.”
Miles laughed. “Raymond, I know what kissing is,” he said, peeling Ray’s hand from in front of his eyes. He didn’t seem unfazed by the now-blank screen, but the moment seemed to bring up something else and he looked away listlessly. In his worry, it was easily to see the resemblance between him and his father. It was obvious, that he wore the same stern look that Gregory always had when dealing with a particularly grave case. But on the young boy it looked a thousand times more troubling; what could have happened that had affected him so deeply?
Finally, the boy took a deep breath. “Raymond, I’m not sure if I should ask such a personal question of you–“
“Just ask it.” Ray replied, confident. “It’s okay.”
Miles took another moment to think before he thoughtfully wet his lips with a dart of his tongue and started again, this time in a shakier tone of voice. “Raymond, have you ever kissed anyone?”
If it was actually detachable from his skull, Ray’s jaw would have certainly hit the floor right now. He wondered if Miles could sense his anxiety at processing the question. Words swam through his mind, yes; but he could not find any way to piece them coherently together to form a sentence. It was as if his brain had stopped in that moment, its gears jammed by the spanner that had been jammed between the interlocking teeth.
Ray felt
way
too young to be giving his mentor’s son the
birds and the bees
talk.
“Well, yeah!” He blurted, attempting to sound casual and
definitely not awkward
about it, but the hand that unwittingly clamped down on the back of his neck betrayed him. “I had a few girlfriends in high school. And then…” He trailed off, finding it too difficult to reveal the next piece of information that followed. “Oh, don’t tell me, you got kissed too?”
It was meant to be a joke, so when Miles returned with the answer he was not expecting, he almost bit down on his tongue in surprise. “Yes.” Miles blushed, displaying a smile that looked more like a grimace when paired with his worried eyebrows. “Well, I wasn’t sure if I should say that I was the one being kissed, or I was the one kissing somebody. It happened quickly.”
Ray recovered from his initial shock. “Oho, Gregory’s little boy’s already a lady killer!” he chuckled, giving Miles a hearty pat on the back. “So, is that what you were thinking about?”
The smile on Miles’s face disappeared, only to be replaced by a distressing frown. “E-except...it wasn’t a girl,” He said, his head hung low. “Everything feels weird when I think back on it.”
“Ah.” Ray’s heart nearly stopped in his chest. “I’m uh, sorry for the assumption. I really shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions, as a soon-to-be defence attorney.”
“It’s alright.” Miles did not raise his head. “It’s alright if you don’t want me to talk more about it.”
“No, it’s not that! I mean, you wanted to talk, and it’s totally fine if you want to share anything with me!” Ray changed his position on the sofa, so that he looked more at ease. “Do you want to talk about how it happened? I’m a bit interested to know.”
“It was a dare.” Tears pooled in the corners of Miles’s eyes when he looked at Ray. “Larry dared Phoenix to kiss me, and I went along with it.” He gave a small sniff, and then shook his head. “I’m still not making sense of a lot.”
Ray reached for the tissue box on the table and handed the whole box to Miles, who accepted it with a nod. “Well, I can help you figure it out.” Ray suggested. “Well, I’m not as good as your dad when it comes to all this logical stuff, but we can work out some sort of explanation, I guess.”
“I didn’t know what to expect, so I just closed my eyes and–he was very warm.” Miles tucked his knees up to his chess and rested his head upon them. “And the weirdest thing is, I think I
liked
it.”
“There’s nothing wrong with liking kisses,” pointed out Ray. “After all, I love giving people hugs, and it’s just almost the same thing. And yet it’s kinda different. I don’t know.” He shrugged. “But did he ask first? Phoenix, I mean.”
“Yes, he did, and he was so shy.” Miles recalled. “I get a jumpy feeling in my stomach thinking about it.”
“Well, Miles, that’s called a crush.” Ray announced cheerfully, as if he had just struck upon an epiphany moment. “So, you really like Phoenix, don’t you?”
“He’s very loyal, and he’s the only person who’s been nice to me since I’ve come to this school. I think he’s also very curious too. I enjoy it when we read books together in the library.” Miles hid the smile that crept upon his face behind his knees. “He likes it when I read to him.”
“Aw.” Ray cooed. “See, it’s not that difficult! We got it sorted out already!”
The space between Miles’s eyebrows creased again. “It’s not as simple as that, Raymond. Just after the kiss happened, Larry just started laughing and pointing at us. I didn’t hear anything he was saying, because just then Phoenix started crying too and I brought him away, to the other side of the field.” He blinked away tears. “Then the other kids started whispering things and they wouldn’t tell me what they said about us. But I know it’s about how boys like girls and girls like boys. T-they don’t think boys should like boys.”
“Oh.” Disappointment clouded Ray’s voice as he rested his hand on Miles’s back and started to rub circles into it. “I’m so sorry.”
By now, the sniffing had escalated to a full on emotional breakdown. “It’s weird, isn’t it, Raymond?” Miles sobbed, crossing his arms and hiding his face amidst them. “
Please
tell me I’m weird.”
“You’re not,” Ray insisted. “You’re just normal.” But Miles continued to cry, and Ray felt his heart break. It was as if he had stumbled upon his younger self when he had the absolute
biggest
breakdown he had ever had. He remembered locking himself in the toilet cubicle, his knees buckling as he slid down against the tiled wall and sat on the floor and cried over a truth he couldn’t accept.
But there’s no denying the truth, isn’t there?
“Hey, hey–Miles, I like boys too! And that’s totally no big deal.” Ray proclaimed, putting on a brave smile to convince Miles.
The boy cried for a while more before his sobs died down. He raised his head and watched Ray with watery eyes, not wanting to believe in his words. “How do you know it isn’t? I don’t understand.”
“Well, some people hate people like us and it’s for absolutely no reason. Like my folks, that’s why I was kicked out. But I’ve found people who accept me now, and that makes it okay. I like both boys and girls, and that’s the truth about it. If it’s the truth, it just is the truth,” Ray shrugged, hoping that he was putting it across in a way Miles could understand. “You can’t be someone you’re not.”
“But what about my father? I don’t wish to disappoint him.” Miles gingerly reached for a tissue, and blowed his nose. “I’m not sure what he would say, and as I am his only child, I would be very disappointed in myself too if I were not able to match up to his expectations.”
Ray comfortingly ruffled Miles’s hair. “I don’t think that would be a problem with your dad at all. He knows about my sexuality, and he’s fine with it. I told him that just before I moved in, and I was
trembling
as I told him because I was so scared of being kicked out before I even moved in. But he just smiled and told me that he was going to accept me regardless.”
“He was fine with it?” A slow smile started to emerge on Miles’s face. “Does that mean, that if I tell him…”
“I’m sure he’ll be as supportive as ever. He loves you
so
much, Miles. He could never be unsupportive. He could never be disappointed in you.”
“Is that what you really think?” Miles questioned once more. He was growing tired by now, his eyelids were drooping and he stifled a yawn. “Do you think my father will be alright with it if I tell him?”
“I’m absolutely sure.” Ray beamed, his pearly white teeth showing in his smile. “But you don’t have to rush to tell him. It’s okay if you want to wait for a while before you tell him. I’ll even help you think of ways you could bring it up to him.”
“Thanks so much.” Miles closed his eyes and hugged his knees closer to himself. “I think that cleared up my worry for the night.”
“You’re welcome.” Ray stood, and watched as Miles too climbed off the sofa. “Do you want a good night hug?”
Miles’s smile was completely genuine when he gave his response. “Yes, Raymond.”
He surged forward with tears of joy rolling down his cheeks, and that was the warmest hug he had ever given.