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“count your blessings,” his mother used to say when jaebum had been eight and dying of a fever. “count your blessings,” his father used to remind him when his genes held him back from going out and being like the other boys.growing up he'd been a delicate and sickly child. it had gotten better as he’d grown up, but most of his life had been spent being careful.“count your blessings,” they'd both told him before walking him down the altar into the arms of his husband. and count them he did. everyone always told him to count his blessings, but no one ever said anything about the flaws.like right now, as he sat in the bathroom, the dim yellow bulb the only source of light, illuminating the pale pink pregnancy stick resting on the edge of the sink. the result showed negative. growing up as a double hybrid had not been easy, but he had parents who were willing to do anything to make sure he lived a normal life. as normal as he could in his condition.vaccinations, pills, therapy, monthly checkups... he saw his doctors more than he saw friends.
the frequency of it all dwindled down to a checkup every two months or a random bout of allergies once he got into college, but the damage had been done.after all it was his stellar genetics and health that rendered him unable to conceive. unlike other hybrids, who happily went along and had as many as they wanted, not giving much forethought about the after. they'd tried. more like, they had tried to try. jackson wasn't adamant about bloodlines or having children specifically made by them. he had never pressed about that at all, leaving it up to chance and jaebum. he would never risk jaebum’s or the future child's health like that and for that he was thankful. but sometimes, he wished. wished that he could be selfish like his own parents had been, like other parents were, to make life and bring it into this world. jackson enters the bathroom, just then, face red and hair ruffled from the wind, holding a carton of ice cream. it had become a ritual of theirs: any time of them was upset, the other would go out and bring home their favorite snack. they would eat it together and hold each other afterwards. jaebum had insisted on walking home by himself. jackson hadn't said anything, only nodded. jaebum always wanted to be alone after they went to the doctor and the convenience store wasn't too far from their house. jaebum had made a beeline for the bathroom, depositing the pamphlets the doctor had given him on the marble counter. and taken out another pregnancy test, despite being fully aware of what the results would be. the doctor, a kindly old man with a gravelly voice, had told them to consider ‘other alternatives.’ the edge of jackson’s coat catches on the edge of one of the brochures, sending them to the floor. jaebum looks up at him. blinks as thumbs brush away the tears on his cheeks. he didn't even realize he had been crying. expression of want was one thing but deep down jaebum had always known that he could never bring himself to put his child's life at risk like that. he would not bring risk bringing a child like that into this world for the selfish reason of wanting to do so for himself and spend the rest of his life apologizing to it like his parents had done. jackson smiles at him, and jaebum, slowly, returns it. a warm hand seeks out his, curling around his fingers to squeeze and jaebum squeezes back.even if he didn't have children he had jackson. together, they'd figure something out.gentle careful press of a mouth against his own. a steady comforting hand cradling the back of his head.for now, he thinks, closing his eyes as jackson kisses him, he would count his blessings.