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Dazai Osamu is a person who has more than half the contents of your mind and soul. Since knowing other feelings besides hatred, he has become a reason for you to carry out human feelings like admiration. From the dark, bottomless eyes — which can even make devils and gods fled — up all the knowledge he has given, you swallowed them whole-heartedly, and did not realize that it has shaped you like this.
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Put an End To This Uneasiness
BSD belongs to Asagiri Kafka & Harukawa Sango
You still remember the last day you met him. Dazai gave you regular portions of training, there was nothing strange at that time, you were very sure, because your mentor did not say anything odd other than 'your reflex in a continuous attack in a long time is still bad'. No, that is not the most recent comment for you, Dazai always gave the same greeting during the past week. You tried to remember the first time he said that and you found it; the day Rashoumon finally protected you from three shots from Dazai, the day Dazai compared you to Oda Sakunosuke. Hearing the name of someone known for his inability to kill made you upset. It’s impossible for anyone to be able to defeat you easily - who has been practicing under devil like Dazai – just because he is Dazai’s close acquaintance. But you know so well that Dazai never joking around, not to you. Sometimes you think about that in your spare time. Dazai when he is with you and with other people feels very different in your eyes. You have seen him bicker with Nakahara Chuuya without looking down or heart-piercing words; all you can find there was laughter that’s either sincere or half enthusiast emanating from him, you are not so sure. Other times you saw him teaching Hirotsu Ryuurou playing games on the console he recently bought and again all you can find is a no-loathing smile that you never got from him. Dazai you knew is a mysterious man with no weakness. Those reddish-brown eyes will always find something you are trying to hide. Even though you have closed it tightly and are sure no one can find out, Dazai will say it openly; making cold sweat slide from your forehead to the ground. Never once did he give you what people call 'goodness', Dazai himself confessed, he was indeed not a kind person that most people have. He can point a gun at anyone — no matter if it is a subordinate or superior — and do not hesitate to press the trigger if someone is no longer useful to him. You have forgotten how many bullets from him lodged in your body. Many people thought your reason for not bathing is because you no longer have control of Rashoumon when you do not wear clothes — that is not wrong — but there are other reasons why you do not want to; it is because the wounds Dazai gave to you always reminding you of how weak, how pathetic you are. Dazai said he would give you a reason to live. You, who were so stunned by the charisma he had, were submitting to his promise, letting his hand pull you down even deeper into hell. Day after day it has changed something inside you; your intention of getting the reason of your life turned into craving for his acknowledgement.Of course you did not realize it. Dazai was so astute in hiding his intentions. First he makes you amazed by his title as genius young executive and then slowly he train you harshly. He taught you how to attack the enemy's neck one day and then he will shoot you right in the chest with the hope that you will not die as fast as fireflies in the summer. There is still a lot of your role — maybe that was what he thinks — so Dazai will maximize your abilities even though it could kill you slowly. Never once had it crossed your mind that Dazai whose blood matched too well with mafia’s had vanished so suddenly. Without words, without letters, without anything, he left Port Mafia after his last attempt to chase his friend - Oda Sakunosuke - who was carrying out a suicide mission after Mimic. You remember the shootout when your organization fought Mimic. The enemy used stupid weapons such as gun to attack you without knowing Rashoumon can directly pierce their hearts in seconds. You did not come all the way to Yokohama art museum just to finish those weakling; you are here to find a source that can make Dazai acknowledge you. And you found it, a man who claimed to be the leader of Mimic. You do not care whether he is a fake or the real one, as long as you eliminated them in all go, Dazai surely will acknowledge your strength, right? Yet the reality is not that easy. When you let the pride swallows you completely, you can feel a bullet pierced your thigh. You were too sure victory perched on your shoulders and that makes you too arrogant to the point you did not realize the Mimic leader could predict what you would do in the next six seconds. You are the believer that sacrificing yourself when carrying out a mission is the most beautiful way of dying, so you — foolishly — close your eyes and asking the man to put this weak, disgusting self that could not do such a simple thing like fighting known as yourself, an end. But luckily, someone came and saved your live. With numbing feet, all you can do is shouting, forcing your life-saver to let go of you, but that person keeps holding you tight so the escape plan was not thwarted. You gave in, and instead asking his name. When the man answered, you forcefully let out Rashoumon and almost stabbed him if only he could not predict what would happen in the next six seconds, just like the enemy before. He is Oda Sakunosuke, the person whom Dazai considers the strongest man who cannot be defeated by you even in a hundred years, a person who cannot kill anyone, a figure you hate so much and wish his death right now. You do not understand why someone like him could occupy the first position in Dazai's heart. Did not Dazai realize there is someone behind him who willingly gave up everything for the sake of an acknowledgement coming out of his mouth? Why did not he stop and looking back just to know that you, who continue to follow him, hoping that your name can be something he can be proud to others? Curiosity makes you pressured. You are looking for various information that can leads to who Oda Sakunosuke is. There is not much you can get, but somehow you can manage to dig up some information. He raised some orphaned children by entrusting their lives to his acquaintance. All the money he made from Port Mafia — which of course dirty money originating from money laundering or fraud — was immediately given to these children. A mocking laugh came out of your mouth. Does not that look so hypocritical? Maybe from the perspective of the normal people what he does feels so noble, but is not he himself aware that one good he does is the result of one bad thing he does? He may argue he did not kill anyone, but he is a mafia. The black stains from this organization will not disappear no matter how noble your behavior is. Many people thought his departure on a suicide mission was solely because of revenge. The children he cared were killed by Mimic right in front of him, making him lost his mind and leaving with intentions to kill them all with a gun. You really hate him, but there is something you can tolerate about Oda. Revenge is an instinct every human being has. The turmoil will appear after the person you valued was killed by someone. You are not a person who will hold back the desire to stop and forget the intention — if only Dazai did not kill your prey first — so you are more or less supportive of what he does.Could it be just because that sentimental he had could change Dazai heart? You never forget even one day to analyze what Dazai thought when he left Port Mafia, leaving you, just like that. You are stuck, unable to find the most likely reason, until finally you conclude maybe Dazai was carried away with what the man did. The day goes by and you could not find the answer. His existence still remained firmly in Port Mafia. Everyone knows that running away from this place is a form of betrayal so anyone - even though the executive - who dares to disappear will be a fugitive to be captured either dead or alive, yet at the same time everyone knew Dazai is a special case. He vanished just like a wind. You always checking all the places he often visits. Starting from Pachinko store to the bar he loved, you looked in various corners of the place to find items that giving you a clue of his whereabouts. You never found it. Many mafia members give up and continue their other mission which is far more important than chasing after Dazai, even Boss gives you a big mission that can last for a months. You begin to think the whole world forgets the existence of Dazai Osamu. You do not accept that. How could they forget him, the great man who brought Port Mafia to its glory, the great man who was so evil to the bone, the great man who has turned you into this monster? You cannot count since your first mission just how many lives were lost in his hand. Mori once told you, when you just came back from a mission that made all of your clothes look worn along with your sour face, you asked him to keep everyone hunting for Dazai, but what you get from him nothing but piercing words. You just do not want to admit Dazai-kun left without thinking about you, right? Even though you do not agree with that statement, you know Mori has a point. Deep down you have a little thought that maybe Dazai left without thinking about you. Maybe he just laughed while forgetting what he had done in Port Mafia, what he had done to you. And forget you, someone who is most obsessed with him, completely without blink an eye. The answer that never existed and accusations from Mori made you have emptiness in your heart. The truth is your heart was always empty, but for this time it is different; you feel hollow, everyday runs like a torment even for you who can now breathe normally. Nothing can replace Dazai in your heart. Sometimes you question yourself why you are still here even though Dazai has left you. His departure gives you many reasons to leave Port Mafia — following him — but you do not know if you really plan to go, which destination you want to go. You do not want to see tomorrow any more. You can guess everything from today; tomorrow morning you will wake up from sleep and Dazai is still not in Port Mafia. You aware, very aware that the day goes by and your efforts are even more in vain because Dazai will definitely not leave any proof.Hunger and other desires are shrinking from within you. What you have seen lately is a gray world full of nothing. The fresh blood coming out of the victim's body has no longer looks red in your eyes. You don't understand why you still do this routine. You began to doubt whether Dazai is still alive. There is no way human can just disappear without trace. An idea flashed and you thought maybe finally Dazai found a partner to commit a double suicide together with him. Yes, you are one of few people who know about his habit. Dazai did not say anything to you, but from his behavior you knew that your mentor liked to commit suicide attempts. Having an idea about Dazai is no longer alive makes you anxious. Disappearing with the sign that you are still alive is much better than truly vanished entirely. You're not sure about such a prospect — you want to believe Dazai is still alive and well — but the lack of his form convinced you with that prospect further. Your steps become uncertain. You can no longer tell whether something is wrong or right. Dazai may be hiding near Port Mafia, intending to fool this entire organization, or drown and be buried in the sea. Lately you can hear his voice when your mind is empty. You are weak. That cynical voice made you jumped, looking for a brown-haired figure with a bandage covering one of his eyes, but you never found anything. Even though the voice often insults you, you do not care, as long as he can appear and assure you that he is alive. Your anxiety is getting worse; you can no longer do the mission properly. Mori scolded you but his voice did not reach your ears. Dazai's voice that mocked you was enough to block all the voices outside who intended to enter. At first you were bothered by that, but over time you got used to it so that voice gets bored and then change his attitude. In the early summer when you were spending your day off in the apartment, Dazai whispered. Stop chasing after me. You begin analyzing the meaning of his words but you failed because your mind stopped working since long time ago. All you can do is turning your head to the left — in the direction where the sound is most coming from — and replied. "Why should I stop?" What are you looking for? "You, Dazai-san." Did you forget? Now I am here. Why keep on chasing those who are already here? Right. Dazai is right. You don't need to chase people who are already here. If Dazai is beside you — even if you unable to see him — doesn't that mean he doesn't go away? After the conversation, you feel much better than before. You can do the mission correctly and Mori is no longer scolds you. Dazai stays next to you, watching you, whenever and wherever. You don't feel your privacy has been ignored by him; you never questioned trivial things like that. Gin is worried about your ‘odd behavior’. You do not understand why people think you are weird when you doing your job — like killing — properly. You realize maybe the way you whispered something to Dazai (which nobody can see) might be too flashy, but you do not care. As long as there is Dazai by your side, you could care less about everything. "I want to meet you, Dazai-san." You do not know how many times you said the same thing to him. Usually Dazai will ignoring you for a few minutes and then change the subject, but today is different. I can show myself to you.Your expressionless face surprised with the sudden confession. The feeling of longing and emptiness that fills you mixes together and produces a very deep desire towards Dazai's words. You begged, with a very humiliating face, hoping Dazai reveal himself right now. Dazai tells you to close your eyes and never open them before he tells you to, you obeyed. You can hear the screech of a chair being moved around the room. The screeching stopped as a hand touched your hand and guided you to follow it. You feel like you're climbing a stairs. After climbing the stairs twice, the hand releases its grip from you. Dazai tells you to open your eyes and the scenery you meet is no longer a hollow room without decoration, instead a stretch of garden filled with various kinds of flowers greeting you.It's not the scenery makes you surprised, your eyes widened when finally the mysterious voice that haunted you lately revealed its true form. Dazai Osamu, still with a long black coat and bandages covering his right eye, stood before you with a smile that was so sincere. "Dazai-san." Your voice shaking, your heart is not quite ready for this meeting. Dazai gives you a laugh but is not cynical enough to be considered an insult. You still haven't changed, Akutagawa-kun. "Where did you go?!" You finally found your voice. "I've been looking for you all this time—!" Dazai doesn't give you the answer you want, he changes the topic. Instead of that, do you want to come with me? "Come ... with you?" Yes, come with me. Dazai stretched out his hand, his gesture was so soft to you who felt a softness for the first time. I just realized that leaving you was the wrong choice I ever made. My friend taught me many things and this is one of them. You weighed many things after Dazai said that. My friend, his friend, Oda Sakunosuke. Once again the name came out of his mouth. Dazai did inviting you to come with him, but in the end it was all because of Oda's advice, the person who always occupied the first place in Dazai's heart. "It's useless for me to come with you if that person is still inside you, Dazai-san." Now you are no longer afraid to give your honest opinion out, no matter if it's very rude. And now you are being jealous? You should have told me a long time ago. "I'm not—" You're lost on words. The reality is true, he was very jealous of Oda, envious of people who did not have any power but got everything from Dazai such as attention, kindness, even gut. So do you want to come or not? I do not have much time. Dazai should have known whatever words he said, you would obey it immediately. No, Dazai might already know and deliberately testing you. You do not want to lose him again, he knew it so well. Your restlessness for tomorrow without Dazai and the emptiness in your heart is already too big and just spilling out of your head. You can't control it anymore, everything feels meaningless. But now everything can change. Dazai is here, reaching out to you once again, intending to take you away from Port Mafia with him, and maybe this time will spend forever. "Where are we going?" You caught his hand very firmly. It is enough to be a sign you have agreed to follow him. Of course to the most suitable place for fugitives like us. But before that- Dazai draped a yellow rose crown on your head. Its oversized size makes the crown go down to reach your neck. Your left hand that doesn't hold Dazai's hand you use to feel the object. Let's start a new journey, Akutagawa-kun. And then you reply it with a smile, feeling that everything will be fine because Dazai is beside you, forever and ever. "It's a pity, huh." A middle-aged man enjoys a black tea at the beginning of the night while sitting in a comfortable chair. He was not alone, there was a young man standing in front of him. The young man's feelings were unhappy, but he managed to cover it with an unreadable expression. "You're right, Boss." "Dazai-kun has to pay for all of his actions." Mori Ougai put the tea he had just drunk on the table. "We got a heavy blow." "Damn Dazai." The young man—Nakahara Chuuya—swore angrily, he clenched his hand strongly. "Just you wait. I—no, we will definitely catch the traitor." "Yes, I look forward to it, Chuuya-kun." The leader of the Port Mafia put on an irritated face for a split second. "I don't want any of my assets lost anymore."Chuuya bowed to his boss and left the room. Mori closed his eyes while recalling what had just happened to this organization. "Are you really serious about fighting Port Mafia, Dazai-kun? Or is this his own choice?" Mori is well known for his fast, logical analysis technique, but in this case he still could not guess what really happened. He is sure Akutagawa was a strong young man, physically and mentally. Dazai's departure should not make him like that - Well, how much Mori made speculation in the end was useless, because the object he made as an analysis material was no longer here. In this world.
END