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Age 13 - Lose Your Mind (So Many Wizards)
Cyrus is not ashamed to admit that he has never been kissed. He is fully aware that any kiss he receives at his age would most likely be clumsy, insincere, and awkward. This is why he doesn’t feel the sting of jealousy when his friends recount the tales of their endless flings, and he is always proven right when weeks later he has to hear about the latest breakup.
However, even though Cyrus knows these things, he can’t help but lie awake in bed at night imagining the sensation of T.J. Kippen’s lips on his. Cyrus had long resigned himself to the fact that he is deeply attracted to his best friend; he has also resigned himself to the fact that T.J. will never like him back. Cyrus has never been the type of boy that gets exactly what he wants, so why would T.J. be any different? Cyrus is content to bask in the sunlight that is Tyler James Kippen for as long as he is able, which is exactly what he is doing right now. T.J. is lying on his back in the new spring grass, his arms stretched back to support his head. It’s a Saturday afternoon, and he was spending it with just Cyrus, so he didn’t bother with his hair gel today. Because of this, T.J’s hair looked impossible soft, and Cyrus has to sit on his hands to stop himself from reaching out and running his fingers through the tresses.
The pair was spending the day relaxing by the lake, enjoying the warmth and sunshine that had only appeared a couple of weeks ago after the final remnants of snow had melted. They had talked for a while about school and their mutual respect for cookies and cream milkshakes, but now they were silent, appreciating the day they were able to spend together. Cyrus’ hands were asleep at this point, so he moved them out from under him and plopped back next to T.J with a content sign.
“What’s on your mind, Cy?” T.J asked with an easy smile. Cyrus blushed pink from the nickname.
“I’m just soaking in the beauty of today.” He replied easily, running his hands through the grass at his sides. “What about you?”
T.J. turned to look at him. Cyrus loved how T.J. looked at him, always so sincere.
“I’m doing something similar myself.” T.J. said softly, not taking his eyes off of Cyrus, who was turning impossible red.
They stayed like that for a few more seconds, just watching each other. If Cyrus didn’t know any better he would swear T.J’s eyes flickered down to Cyrus’s lips. But Cyrus did know better, so he brushed the notion out of his mind. A strong breeze passed through, causing a chill to flow through Cyrus. He sat back up rather abruptly.
“Uh, that reminds me!” Cyrus began, acutely aware that T.J. wasn’t lying down anymore either, “I was thinking about what we should do this summer, and oh my god, I found this idea that reminded me of something you would do so much. It’s sort of like marco polo, but you need really big sticks-”
And then T.J. was kissing him.
T.J. Kippen, basketball god and one of the most popular (and straightest) boys in school, was kissing Cyrus.
He had ducked down midway through Cyrus’ sentence and gently placed his lips on Cyrus’. The touch was feather-light and tentative, but it immobilized Cyrus nevertheless. He couldn’t believe what was happening. The soft touch of T.J.’s pink lips, lips that Cyrus had spent the better part of the year fantasizing about, was too good to be true. The kiss couldn’t have lasted more than three seconds when T.J. jerked away as if he just snapped back to reality. Cyrus still wasn’t moving.
“Cyrus, I-” T.J. began, lost for words. His voice shook Cyrus out of his stupor.
“I’m not gay.” Cyrus blurted out. Wow, immediate regret. Way to lie to your best friend.
“Neither am I.” T.J. replied defiantly.
“Then why did you kiss me?”
“I don’t know. Trust me, I wish I hadn’t.” T.J. looked agitated. Cyrus wondered if he was mad at Cyrus or himself.
Ouch. So once again, Cyrus was right. Too good to be true.
“Okay. Then we should just-”
“Forget it ever happened?”
No.
“Yes.”
“Agreed. I’m gonna head home, I have uh, homework.” T.J. lied.
“Um, alright. See you later.” God, Cyrus hated what had happened to this beautiful day.
“Yeah.”
And when Andi asked Cyrus what he had done that day when he walked into The Spoon for dessert, Cyrus just shrugged his shoulders.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Age 14 - Dreams Tonite (Alvvays)
It’s been more than a year since T.J kissed Cyrus, and yet not a day goes by where T.J. doesn’t think about it. He still isn’t sure what prompted him to do it, and he often wondered how he could be so reckless as to threaten to expose his crush is such a big way. Despite all this, however, his friendship with Cyrus was stronger than ever. A few days after the incident occurred things were back in full swing, and Cyrus and T.J. were joking around like nothing had ever happened.
T.J. contemplated how much has happened since that day; they had survived freshman year together, and all the trials and tribulations that came with it. And now Cyrus and T.J. were walking down the street on the first day of summer, headed to Jonah’s house for an end-of-school pool party. T.J. cheeks burned with shame at the excitement that ran through him at the thought of seeing Cyrus in a swimsuit. T.J. couldn’t bear to think of how disgusted Cyrus would be if he knew T.J. thought of him like that. He just wished he could be honest with Cyrus, but every time he tried he froze up, unable to get the words out.
“Woo!” Cyrus shouted out abruptly, pumping his fists in the air in a way that totally didn’t make T.J. swoon. “Wow, T.J., I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am that freshman year is over. I feel like such a weight is off my shoulders!”
Wish I could relate, T.J. thought.
“Yeah, yeah, but we still have to suffer for three more years.” T.J. said, watching Cyrus deflate at the comment with an amused expression.
“It can only get better from here though… right?”
T.J. just laughed and ruffled Cyrus’ hair as they walked up Jonah’s driveway. The party had been going on for a while, but Cyrus insisted on being late (“It’s fashionable!”), and T.J. could never say no to Cyrus. The door was propped open, so the pair walked through the house to reach the backyard, shouting greetings to Jonah’s parents as they did so. The group tonight was bigger than usual, which immediately put Cyrus on edge. T.J. noticed this (obviously), so he leaned down to whisper in Cyrus’ ear.
“Cy, it’s okay. It’s a lot, I know, but all these people here know and love you. There’s nothing to worry about.” Cyrus nodded and took a deep breath, walking through the back door and out onto the patio. He was instantly assaulted with a barrage of greetings, all his friends looking excited at his arrival. He smiled back and waved before detaching himself from T.J. and walking over to Andi and Amber, who was sitting at the edge of the pool with their hands entwined. T.J. tries to shake off his jealousy of the pair, who were able to communicate their feelings for each other so much easier than T.J. ever could to Cyrus (not that it would make a difference). He perked up however when Cyrus shot him a thumbs up. T.J. laughed and wandered over to Marty, Buffy, and Lester, who were competing over who had the best cannonball.
“T.J., I’m glad you’re here!” Buffy called out, water dripping down to form a puddle around her feet. “You can be the judge!”
-----
A couple of hours later, the group tired out from swimming and wandered inside for pizza. T.J. started swimming towards the edge of the pool when he heard Cyrus call his name timidly.
“Yeah?” T.J. responded, looking at the dark-haired boy in concern.
“Could you… could you hang back for a minute? I need to talk to you about something. Well, tell you something.” Cyrus asked quietly as he trod the water. T.J. couldn’t imagine what Cyrus was so nervous about telling him but he smiled nonetheless.
“Of course, Cyrus.”
The two boys swam to the edge of the pool, hands clutching the stone next to them. T.J. pretended not to notice that Cyrus’ knuckles had gone white.
It was dark out now, and the pool was illuminated by soft light, framing Cyrus’ face in a warm glow. He looked beautiful. He always looked beautiful to T.J.
“What did you have to tell me?” T.J. prompted, trying to look as supportive as possible as to not scare Cyrus off. He watched as Cyrus took a deep breath, and he could practically see all the conflicting thoughts rushing through his mind. T.J. placed a hand on Cyrus’s bare arm.
“Hey. It’s okay, Cyrus. Whatever’s going on, it’ll be okay.” He reassured, rubbing Cyrus’ shoulder in a way he hoped was comforting and not creepy. Cyrus nodded, regaining his composure.
“T.J., do you remember that one day? You know which one.” Cyrus said, suddenly very interested in the water. T.J.’s breath caught in his throat.
“Yeah. I remember.” He said, and Cyrus looked at him, determined.
“Well, when I said I wasn’t gay… I lied. Big time. I’m very, very gay, T.J..” Cyrus said, rushing to get his words out. T.J. raised his eyebrows, trying to mask his shock and stomp out the spark of hope that was arising within him.
“Cyrus, that’s great. Really, I’m so proud of you. Thank you for telling me.” T.J. said, smiling as he watched Cyrus visibly sigh in relief.
“Thank you, T.J. I’m so glad I have a best friend like you. It’s been weighing down on me for a while. Andi, Buffy, and Jonah already know, but I had to tell you. You’re… you’re my favorite person in the whole world, Teej.” Cyrus confessed with a soft smile. T.J. tried to combat the wave of emotion that was flowing through him. T.J. loved Cyrus. He couldn’t pretend it was just a passing crush anymore.
“You’re my favorite too, Cyrus.” He responded, his voice no louder than a whisper even though it was only them in the pool. Cyrus laughed softly and motioned to Jonah’s house.
“Ready to go in?” Cyrus asked.
No.
“Yes.” T.J. responded. They both climbed out of the pool and toweled off. Cyrus took his towel and wrapped it around his shoulders, shivering. T.J. just stared at what was definitely the cutest thing he had ever seen. Before he knew what he was doing, he pulled Cyrus close to him and wrapped his arms around his friend. Cyrus hugged him back, burying his face into T.J.’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other. When an uproar of laughter from inside broke through their silence, they pulled apart, keeping their arms around each other. T.J. couldn’t help but smile when he saw his best friend, who was brave enough to come out to him. T.J. leaned forward and pressed his lips to Cyrus’s forehead, lingering for a second before pulling away. Cyrus looked at him with a pleasantly surprised expression.
“Come on,” T.J. began, “let’s get some pizza.”
Because tonight wasn’t about T.J. It was about Cyrus, and T.J. wouldn’t let his complicated feelings ruin the pleasantness of that night. Not again.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Age 15 - Baby it’s Cold Outside (Karmin) Cyrus hated Christmas. Not just because he was Jewish, but because Winter break means all his friends leave, either for exciting trips or boring stays with their family. Cyrus burst into his room after his last day of school before his two-week break, throwing his backpack to the floor and collapsing on his bed, wallowing in his self-pity. Buffy, Andi, and Jonah were both visiting their extended family, and T.J. and Amber were going to Santa Monica to escape the cold, harsh weather. Cyrus sighed. How he longed to be in California with T.J., relaxing on the beach, just the two of them. His gaze was drawn to the wrapped gift resting on his bedside table. He had wrapped the present he made for T.J. with emerald green paper and a golden bow. It wasn’t perfect by any means, and for a moment Cyrus regretted not having his mother help him. But it really didn’t matter, because Cyrus wasn’t even planning on giving the gift to T.J. He had been so confident when he made the gift and had spent hours and hours making sure it was perfect. T.J. deserved perfect. But T.J. was gone, and giving it to him after Christmas passed would seem like too much, too… special. And T.J. was special to Cyrus, the most special to Cyrus, but Cyrus couldn’t let T.J. know that. He couldn’t risk the most important thing that ever happened to him. As he lay on his back, he allowed his mind to wander to the memories he never allowed himself to recall. He reminisced about the light touch of T.J.’s lips on his lips and his forehead, the comforting feeling of T.J’s hand on his shoulder, his arms around him. Cyrus sighed again. He resented T.J. for ever kissing him. If Cyrus had never experienced that, maybe he would have gotten over his crush. Now, however, his feelings have grown into something that Cyrus refused to admit was love. Cyrus’ phone buzzed in his back pocket. He groaned, not in the mood to talk to anyone. He pulled it out and checked the Caller ID. Speak of the devil... Cyrus thought, answering the call as he brings the phone up to his ear. “Hey, Teej!” Cyrus says enthusiastically, trying to hide his loneliness and pretend he wasn’t just thinking very gay thoughts. “Yo, Cyrus! Guess what?!” T.J. matched his enthusiasm, and Cyrus rolled his eyes at T.J’s use of the word ‘yo’. “What?” “I said guess!” “Um,” Cyrus thought, scared that T.J. would share news of him meeting a Californian girl before he remembered that T.J.’s flight isn’t even until tomorrow, “you… died? I don’t know what to guess!” Cyrus finally finished, giggling despite his nervous anticipation. There was a pause for a moment, and Cyrus was about to ask if T.J. was still there when he realized that T.J. was too busy laughing to talk. “Ah, Cyrus,” T.J. said between laughs, “You crack me up.” “Teej, just tell me!” Cyrus laughed along. T.J. suddenly stopped laughing. “I love it when you call me Teej, did you know that?” A pause, then… “T.J., seriously, stop stalling and tell me what’s up!” Cyrus said jokingly despite the blush that had arisen on his face and silently thanked the gods that this conversation wasn’t face-to-face. “Okay, okay! Amber got sick, like really sick, so we aren’t going to California after all!” T.J. said, sounding much too excited for the situation. Cyrus was immediately filled with glee at the fact that he didn’t have to suffer through two weeks of no T.J. “But… isn’t that bad news? I thought you were excited about California.” Cyrus said, trying to keep the happiness out of his voice. “Yeah, a little. But I would much rather spend my break with my best friend if I’m being honest.” T.J. said, his voice sounding much smaller than it did just a second ago. “Really?” Cyrus asked, his voice timid. “Yeah, Cy. You know you’re my go-to guy.” T.J. replied, and if Cyrus wasn’t blushing before he certainly is now. “You’re mine too, T.J.,” Cyrus began, his excitement seeping into his voice, “you can come over if you want!” T.J. hesitated. “Well, actually, I had another idea, but you’ll probably think it’s totally lame. My parents are having this Christmas party tonight, and at first they said I couldn’t invite anyone, but I think my mom feels bad that we’re not going to California anymore, so she said you can come! I would come over, but I can’t get out of this.” T.J. said, the words rushed. Cyrus smiled, trying to push away the thought that he was T.J.’s plus one! “That doesn’t sound lame at all! We can make fun of all the stuffy rich people and eat! Will Amber be okay?” Cyrus asked. “Yeah, yeah, we’ll quarantine her in her room, don’t worry about that. Can you come at 6?” T.J. pleaded. Cyrus smiled. “Of course. I’ll be there soon.” Cyrus said, fighting the urge to tack on an “I love you.” T.J. and Cyrus said their goodbyes, and Cyrus hung up the phone and wandered over to his closet to pick out an outfit.----- A couple of hours later, after more time spent getting ready that Cyrus wants to admit, he was ready to go to T.J.’s. He paused in front of his nightstand, peering down at T.J.’s gift. He picked it up. Put it down. Picked it up again. It wouldn’t be weird, right? And he could just wrap it up in his jacket and only reveal it to T.J. if he felt it would be okay. Cyrus nodded, pleased with his plan, and grabbed the gift.----- Cyrus watched as his mother drove off into the distance, peering up at the large house that loomed before him. He took a deep breath and a few steps towards T.J’s front door, trying to figure out why he was so nervous. Before he could reach the stoop, however, an excited T.J. bounded out the front door. “Cyrus!” He cried out, pulling Cyrus into a big hug. Cyrus gasped in surprise as T.J. lifted him off his feet. “Woah, big guy!” Cyrus gasped as he was dropped down to the ground. “Someone’s excited.” “Hell yeah I am! I cannot describe how boring it is in there. Everyone’s talking about investments or kids or their boring office jobs. I never want to grow up.” T.J. rambled as Cyrus really looked at him. He was wearing a horrendous Christmas sweater garnished with bells and garland. “T.J, I don’t think your gonna get boring anytime soon, not if you keep wearing sweaters like that.” Cyrus giggled. T.J. just rolled his eyes and ruffled Cyrus’ hair. “Just get inside, would ya?”----- Cyrus had a blast at the party. He and T.J. had taken the best snacks and positioned themselves on a loveseat in the corner of the living room. They spent their night poking fun at everyone and trying to entertain the drunk adults, who had really taken to Cyrus. T.J. hadn’t been surprised. Now, at nearly 2 a.m., everyone had driven home or called an Uber. T.J.’s parents were fast asleep in their room and had asked the pair of boys to get a head start on the cleanup. Cyrus, the neat-freak that he was, had sped through the task, with T.J. trying (and failing) to keep up. Cyrus collapsed on the couch as T.J. excused himself for a moment, trying to keep his eyes open. He was half asleep when he heard T.J. clear his throat. Cyrus shot up and his eyes met T.J, who was holding a red gift bag with silver tissue paper poking out. T.J. was visibly vulnerable. “Um, uh, this is for you.” T.J. said abruptly, shoving his present forward. Cyrus stood up and wandered over to T.J. “You got me a gift?” He asked, a smile creeping up on his face. T.J. ducked his head. “Of course I did.” T.J. responded. Without explanation, Cyrus ran out of the living room. T.J. stood there for a moment, stunned, before Cyrus ran back in, breathless and with his gift in hand. “I got you something too.” Cyrus said, making T.J. burst into a huge smile. “You didn’t have to-” “I wanted to.” “Me too.” “So should we…” Cyrus said, nudging his gift forward. T.J. nodded, and the pair switched their gifts. “You first.” T.J. prompted, and Cyrus pulled out the tissue paper slowly. He peered into the bag. “You got me a scarf?” Cyrus said, surprised. T.J. blushed. “Well, I… kinda made it? Most of it, I mean,” T.J. said, “My mom taught me. It’s a little embarrassing.” Cyrus pulled the scarf out, awed. It was gorgeous dark blue, and one of the softest things he’d ever felt. “No, it’s not embarrassing! I love it, thank you so much!” Cyrus gushed, winding the scarf around his throat. T.J.’s face lit up at the sight of Cyrus wearing his gift. “It was worth it. I’ll just…” T.J. began to tear into his gift in a not-so-graceful manner, which made Cyrus laugh. T.J. let the paper fall to his feet to reveal a simple picture frame, which the words “Best Friends” scrawled along the border in Cyrus’ handwriting. It was a picture of the two that the had taken on T.J.’s fifteenth birthday. Cyrus was smiling brightly, facing forward, while T.J. had his whole focus on the boy next to him, smiling fondly. It was Cyrus’ favorite picture of the two of them (his favorite picture of anything, really). “Wow, Cyrus. This is my favorite picture of the two of us… thank you, Cyrus. Really. I’m gonna put this on my desk so I can look at it every time I get sick of my homework.” T.J. said with a smile. T.J. placed his gift on the coffee table gently, before gazing back into Cyrus’ eyes. They stayed like that for a moment or two, just appreciating the company, when T.J. noticed something. His face turned a deep red before he whispered something, so quiet that Cyrus almost missed it. “Look up Cyrus.” Cyrus’ gaze shot up to the ceiling, where a small piece of mistletoe hung down. He let out an unattractive squeak, and when he looked back down, T.J. was much closer, looming over Cyrus in a way that made him feel both safe and incredibly nervous. “T.J…?” Cyrus whispered. “Just,” T.J. began, grabbing Cyrus’s new scarf and using it to pull him impossibly closer, “tell me to stop.” T.J. moved one hand up to cup Cyrus’ face. T.J. moved his other hand up to cup Cyrus’ face. Cyrus didn’t tell him to stop. T.J. lips met his with a force unexpected for such a soft moment. Cyrus gasped, his hands grabbing T.J.’s back for support. The kiss was completely different from the last. They were both absolutely sure, absolutely happy. If Cyrus loved that first kiss, he adored this one. Everything fit together perfectly, and the silence of the night meant nobody could interrupt their sweet moment. They pulled away after a while but kept their foreheads pressed together. “Wow.” T.J. said, his voice strained. “Wow is right.” Cyrus responded, and the two burst into a fit of giggles. “Okay, I am definitely not straight.” T.J. said between laughs. Cyrus pulled back a little. “What?” He said, curious. T.J. shrugged. “That... kiss just solidified things for me. About my sexuality, I mean. That’s why I did it. Thank you for letting me. You’re a good friend.” Cyrus felt like he had been punched in the gut. “So you kissed me… just to… to make sure you weren’t straight?” Cyrus asked, trying and failing to keep the pain out of his voice. “Well, yeah. That’s okay, right?” T.J. said like it was the easiest thing in the world. No. “Oh, yeah. Of course! No problem. Glad I could help… buddy,” Cyrus was fighting tears, “I should probably go. My parents are probably worried. Uh, I’ll see you around.” Cyrus blurted out, running out of T.J.’s living room. He grabbed his jacket and burst out the front door into the cold December air as the tears started to fall. He sprinted down the street, ignoring the desperate cries from T.J. to come back.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Age 16 - Fake Happy (Paramore)It was Cyrus’s 16th birthday party, and he felt miserable. Although T.J. had apologized for ‘making Cyrus uncomfortable’ by kissing him (which, hello, so wasn’t the problem), there was still a rift between the pair, an awkwardness that hadn’t been there before. The group was sitting in Cyrus’s basement, chatting amongst themselves and enjoying the food Cyrus’s mom had spent the day preparing. Cyrus sat between Jonah and Buffy, who were arguing about… baseball? Football? Cyrus didn’t have the faintest idea. He had been silent for the last 10 minutes, and he was pretty sure nobody had noticed. It seemed as though everyone was having fun but him. “Okay, Jonah, I’m tired of talking to you about this. Can we play a game or something?” Buffy announced abruptly, walking over to the cabinet that contained all the board games. “I’m pretty sure none of those games are for seven players,” Cyrus said, breaking his silent streak. Buffy huffed and walked back over. “So let’s do something else. Paranoia okay with everyone?” “How do you play?” Asked Andi, who had been cuddled up with Amber, T.J. occasionally shooting disgusted glances at his sister. “It’s easy. You sit in a circle, and someone whispers a question to the person next to them. It has to be about someone, like who’s most likely to end up in jail or something. Then the other person has to answer the question to the entire group. After they answer, someone flips a coin. If it lands on heads, you have to say what the question was. If it’s tails, you don’t, hence the ‘paranoia’.” Buffy explains. The group expresses a mutual agreement, and they form a circle. “Okay, I’ll go first,” Buffy says, whispering a question to Jonah. He rolls his eyes. “I guess… Amber?” Jonah responded. Amber sat up straighter, curiosity written on her face. Buffy flipped the coin, and it landed on heads. Jonah blushed. “Buffy asked me who I would… switch bodies with for a day.” The rest of the group laughed, including Amber, at Jonah’s embarrassment. “I just want to know what it would feel like!” Jonah said, his face a burning red by now. A few rounds later, Andi leaned over to ask T.J. a question. T.J. smiled as she spoke, then looked up at Cyrus confidently. “Cyrus.” He said, sure of himself. Cyrus felt his face heating at the tone of T.J.’s voice, while Andi looked pleasantly surprised. Buffy shot Cyrus and questioning look before flipping the coin. She looks down, then back up at T.J. “Its tails.” She announced. Cyrus noticed that T.J. didn’t look annoyed nor relieved.A little while later, the group came to the consensus that paranoia was out, and truth or dare was in. Cyrus hated truth or dare. The truths always embarrass him, and dares usually require standing up. After going around the circle twice, it was Andi’s turn to ask someone. “Cyrus, truth or dare?”“Truth.”“C’mon, you picked truth the last 2 times.”“Ugh, fine, dare. Your dares are always lame anyway.” He muttered the last part under his breath, still in a bad mood from paranoia. What could Andi have possibly asked T.J.? Andi just ignored his comment. “I dare you, our birthday boy, to kiss T.J.”T.J. head shot up, his eyes tearing away from the piece of lint in his hands. Cyrus looked horrified, while the rest of the group looked confused (aside from Buffy, who knew about Cyrus’s crush). “No,” Cyrus said, panicked and defiant.Jonah, oblivious as ever, laughed.“Cyrus, it’s truth or dare. You have to do it.”“No, I don’t! I-”“I’m down if you are.” T.J. interrupted with a soft smile on his face. “It’s just a game, right? No big deal.” Cyrus didn’t miss the hidden meaning behind his words. It’s not like we haven’t done it before.Cyrus was floored. He couldn’t believe this was his life. He couldn’t believe T.J. had the nerve to mess with his feelings like that. Cyrus staved off the tears forming his eyes as his anger intensified. “Fine.” He spat out. He noticed someone of the surprised looks at his tone and schooled his face into a more casual expression. “No big deal. Let’s just get this over with.” He moved over to where T.J. was sitting. Cyrus could say with complete confidence that this was the one time he didn’t want to kiss T.J. It shouldn't be like this, so unromantic. “Cyrus, are you sure-” Buffy began, a worried look on her face. “Yeah. It’s just a dare.” Cyrus interrupted, and shot her a smile, completely fake. Buffy backed off. T.J. still had that stupid smile on his face as he cupped Cyrus’s cheek, transporting him back to that winter night. Cyrus didn’t move. Didn’t close his eyes, didn’t lean in. He didn’t have it within himself. He felt too hurt. T.J. leaned in slowly as the group giggled and cheered them on around them. Cyrus’s stomach turned. T.J. had barely placed his lips on Cyrus’s before Cyrus yanked away. T.J. shot him a concerned look, placing his hand on Cyrus’s shoulder. “Dude, are you okay?” T.J. asked. Cyrus shook T.J.’s hand off. “Yeah, dude. I’m fine. We kissed. It’s over.” He said, scooting back to his original spot in the circle. By now, everybody had caught on to the fact that something was up. Andi was looking especially guilty. “Let’s watch a movie or something,” Buffy said, ever the lifesaver. Everybody scrambled back to the couch, eager for the awkwardness to end. "Uh, I actually think I have to head back," T.J. said, pulling his keys out of his pocket. Amber shot him a confused look.“Why? Mom said we could stay till it was over.” She said. T.J. glared at her.“I just have things I have to do, okay?” He said.“What kind of things?” “Amber please!” He spat at her. Amber just rolled her eyes and went to go help Jonah and Andi pick a movie.Cyrus stood up.“Uh, I can walk you up.” He said stiffly.“Okay.”Cyrus and T.J. climbed the stairs slowly and silently. When the got to Cyrus’s front door, T.J. turned to look at him. “Hey, Cy, I’m really sorry about today. I shouldn't have pushed you to do that, especially after last time. I just didn’t want to make it awkward.” “Which… kind of happened anyway.” Cyrus said, the tension leaving his shoulders. T.J. chuckled. “Yeah. We’re good, right?” He asked, looking into Cyrus’s eyes. Cyrus swallowed. “Yeah. We’re good.” He confirmed. T.J. smiled that damned soft smile again. “Cyrus… you know you're my best friend, right?” Cyrus almost melted. “I know. You’re mine, too.” T.J.’s smile was blinding. “Are you sure you have to leave? You can’t stay to watch the movie?” Cyrus asked, in a much better mood. “Hmm… maybe for a little bit. Just for you, Underdog.” T.J. teased. Cyrus just rolled his eyes and dragged T.J. back down the stairs, where they plopped down on the couch right next to each other. T.J. stayed for the whole movie.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Age 17 - Tungs (The Frights)
T.J. gazed at himself in his bathroom mirror, remnants of shaving cream still lingering on his face, as he soaked his washcloth in lukewarm water.
“Cyrus,” he began, clearing his throat, “I’m so glad we’re here together. Tonight.”
A pause.
“Cy, you look perfect.”
A beat.
“Cyrus, you make me so happy.”
A rest.
“I know you don’t feel the same way, but I love you.”
T.J. sighed, wiping off the last of the shaving cream.
“Cyrus, I’m not ready for you to break my heart.”
-----
As Cyrus took in the crime scene of rumpled shirts and pants on his bedroom floor, he groaned. He was never going to find the perfect outfit. He had already texted eight options to the GHC group chat, but they were being no help today.
It was Cyrus’s first real party, and he wasn’t at all prepared. He’s only going because it’s an end of season party for the basketball team and T.J. invited him. He had the feeling T.J. didn’t really want to go either, but the varsity team captain couldn’t exactly miss it. Nevertheless, Cyrus was pretty excited. Any opportunity to be with T.J. was well worth it. All had been well between the two for a year now, and Cyrus couldn’t be happier. Well, he could, but that was beside the point. T.J. didn’t like Cyrus like that, and he just had to live with that.
Cyrus’s text tone interrupted him from his pity party. He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and opened his messages.Thomas Jefferson: we’re on the way :)Shit. Cyrus scrambled back into his closet, grabbing an emerald green button up and a pair of black jeans and slipping on a pair of converse. He glanced in the mirror to make sure his hair was still as perfectly styled as it had been 15 minutes ago. He saw Amber’s old Hyundai roll up to the front of Cyrus’s house and bounded down the stairs. T.J. flashed Cyrus a big smile as he climbed into the backseat.
“Hey, Teej! Amber, thank you so much for driving us,” Cyrus said, slightly winded but trying to conceal it. T.J. leaned over to ruffle Cyrus’s hair from the front seat.
“Aw, you guys are cute,” Amber said, making Cyrus blush. “I don’t mind driving at all! Just text when you guys are ready to be picked up and don’t throw up in my car.”
“I still think I could’ve driven, I’m probably not gonna drink that much,” T.J. grumbled. Amber rolled her eyes.
“Better safe than sorry.” Was all she replied.
The ride to T.J.’s teammate's house was relatively quiet, with Cyrus making small talk with Amber and T.J. and her arguing back and forth. When they arrived, Cyrus realized that he was feeling more nervous than expected. T.J. seemed to notice this and squeezed Cyrus’s shoulder as the approached the front door. They walked in and were immediately greeted with the smell of liquor.
“Holy God, it’s not even 10 yet,” Cyrus said with a wince.
“Yeah, these boys like to get it started early,” T.J. responded, beckoning Cyrus towards the kitchen.
Cyrus noticed that there were a lot more than just the basketball team here. He wasn’t prepared for this, but he didn’t plan on ruining T.J.’s night.
“Want a drink?” He heard an unfamiliar voice say. He turned towards the source and saw a tall boy with dark skin and incredibly white teeth. Cyrus couldn’t help but return the smile this boy was giving him.
“It’s cool Cameron, I already got him one.” T.J. stepped in, handing Cyrus his favorite drink.
“Thanks, Teej,” Cyrus said with a grin before turning back to the boy, Cameron.
“I’m Cyrus.” He said, taking a gulp out of his cup. He needed to relax if he was gonna deal with this crowd, after all.
“Cameron, but you’ve probably figured that out.”
T.J. was still standing in between them.
“Hey, Kippen, some of the guys were looking for you. I think they’re in the dining room playing some stupid game.” Cameron said, without any edge in his tone. T.J. shot him a blink-and-you-miss-it glare before schooling his face back into an easy smile.
“Alright. I guess I’ll go check it out. Be right back, Cyrus.”
“Take your time T.J., I want you to have fun,” Cyrus said, worried he would come off as too clingy if he followed him. T.J. just nodded curtly and left.
“So, Cyrus, what classes are you taking this year?” Cameron asked, pulling himself up so he was sitting on the kitchen island. Cyrus relaxed against the counter and prepared himself to launch into a rant about his AP Stats teacher.
-----
T.J. was sitting on the living room couch with some of his teammates, 3 beers and two shots deep. He was trying to listen to his teammate's conversation, truly, but his head was spinning and he couldn’t stop staring at Cyrus, goddammit. Beautiful, perfect, uninterested Cyrus talking to Cameron, who not even T.J. could criticize, other than the fact that he’s a ball hog during games. T.J. buries his face in his hands and tries to slow down his brain, currently going a hundred miles a minute.
“Uh, T.J.?” He hears someone say.
“What?” He responds, his voice muffled by his hands.
“Is Cameron really trying to make a move on Cyrus right now?” The same voice says.
T.J. sits up and addresses his teammate.
“It’s not my business what Cyrus does. Or Cameron. Besides, they’re just talking.”
His teammates glance into the kitchen again.
“Uh, I’d look again, man.” One of them says.
T.J. looks into the kitchen and sees that Cameron has Cyrus pressed up against the counter, and is leaning in for the punch. T.J. also sees Cyrus clearly say the word ‘stop’, and yet Cameron’s actions do not cease.
T.J. is moving before he can even process what he’s doing. He storms into the kitchen, the world around him rolling off it’s axis. By the time he gets to Cameron, Cyrus has already pushed him off.
“Cameron, get out.” T.J. seethes, every part of him working to keep T.J. from punching Cameron in the nose. Cameron tries to laugh it off, but T.J. isn’t backing off.
“When someone tells you to stop advancing on them, you stop. Period.” T.J. says, pointing towards the door (or at least he thinks he is). Cameron rolls his eyes, trying to play off the awkward situation.
“Dude, it’s no-”
“Big deal? Actually, I think it is,” T.J. says, shaking with anger.
“Teej,” Cyrus says, grabbing T.J.’s arm. “It’s okay. Just let it go.”
The feel of Cyrus’s hand on him bring’s T.J.’s heart rate down.
“Cameron, just leave, man. Barely anyone has noticed what happened, and if you leave now no more attention needs to be drawn to you. Do you really want a whole basketball team to kick you out?” T.J. asked, his voice calmer but still stern. Cameron weighed his options, glancing between the party and the door, before storming out, muttering something unintelligible before slamming the door.
T.J. turned his attention back to Cyrus, who looked uncomfortable.
“Are you okay?” He asked, concerned. Cyrus nodded.
“Yeah, but can we go someplace a little quieter?” He asked, sounding unlike himself. T.J. nodded and led him to a cushioned loveseat on the deck. Nobody else was out, probably due to the chill in the air. Cyrus shivered as they sat, almost imperceptible. T.J. immediately shrugged off his black jacket.
“Take it,” T.J. said. Cyrus opened his mouth to argue, but backed down after a stern look from T.J. and slipped it on. It was a little big on him, and T.J. almost couldn't bear how adorable Cyrus looked.
“I’m sorry I dragged you away from your friends,” Cyrus said, his voice small. T.J. just smiled.
“Please. I’d much rather be out here with you. How much have you had?” T.J. asked, the winter air not doing anything to sober him up.
“Uhh,” Cyrus giggled, leaning his head back to look at the stars, “enough”.
“Me too.”
Cyrus looked back down at T.J., and T.J. realized just how little space there was between them.
“Teej,” Cyrus said, now whispering.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“Of course.”
“And, Teej?”
“Yeah?”
Cyrus leaned in just a fraction, but enough for T.J. to notice.
“I just…”
“Yeah?”
Cyrus scooched forward a bit more, officially invading T.J.’s private space.
“I would rather be out here, freezing cold, with you, than be anywhere else with anyone else,” Cyrus said, his voice serious if not a little slurred.
T.J. felt like he could sing, or maybe cry.
“God T.J., it’s like you don’t even know,” Cyrus said, frustrated.
“Know what?”
“How much I want you.”
And then T.J. broke.
He grabbed Cyrus by the collar of his own jacket and pulled Cyrus to him, his lips slotting into Cyrus’s perfectly. Cyrus fell into the kiss immediately, grabbing T.J.’s face and pulling him impossibly closer. T.J. melted into Cyrus, his heart going a thousand miles a minute. They pulled away for air, breathing deeply.
“God, Cyrus. You don’t know what you do to me.”
“I’ve been wanting this forever, T.J.”
And so they continued, holding each other as they kissed. Eventually, after T.J. stopped feeling like he was going to cry from the sensation, he swiped his tongue against Cyrus’s lip, asking, no, begging for entrance. Cyrus groaned and opened his mouth, and T.J. deepened the kiss. Every once in a while, when they had to come up for air, T.J. and Cyrus would whisper things against each other’s mouths.
“I couldn’t stand to see you talking to him. God, I was so jealous.”
“There’s never been anyone but you, Teej.”
“Cyrus, you’re so perfect.”
“I could do this forever.”
After god knows how much time, T.J. and Cyrus were broken apart by the sound of the sliding glass door opening. Two girls walked out but paused once they saw what they had interrupted.
“Oh,” one girl said, “we’re sorry!”
T.J. smiled sheepishly.
“It’s all good.”
“Do you want us to leave?” The other girl asked.
“No, we were just going,” T.J. said kindly, grabbing Cyrus’s hand and leading him back through the house and out the front door. He shot a quick text to Amber letting her know to pick them up, and they sat on the top porch step to wait.
“So,” Cyrus said, picking at a shrub next to him.
“Sooo…” T.J. replied, not knowing what to say.
“I think we should talk tomorrow. About what happened. I think we’re both too drunk to have the conversation now, but I do what to talk about what it meant. That is, if you do.” Cyrus said, sounding shy.
“Of course I do!” T.J. said quickly, mentally cursing himself for sounding so enthusiastic, but Cyrus just giggled.
“Great,” Cyrus said. T.J. nodded.
There was a minute of quiet before Cyrus spoke back up.
“I watched this thing on the Discovery Channel last night…” Cyrus launched into a passionate description of the documentary, with T.J. hanging on to every drunken word. T.J. always listened. And if T.J. and Cyrus both slipped into the backseat of Amber’s car, and if Cyrus leaned his head on T.J.’s shoulder during the drive home, then Amber never said anything about it (until she and T.J. got home, of course).
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Age 18 - Warm Glow (Hippo Campus) After that fateful night at the party, T.J. and Cyrus do talk, something incredibly rare for the two boys. They meet up at the swings before noon, still slightly hungover and deliriously happy. The boys make small talk for a few minutes, neither one knowing how to breach such a topic as this. Cyrus is the first one to speak, although T.J. notes that he seems nervous before he begins, a look of guilt that T.J. doesn’t remember ever seeing. “Look, T.J.,” Cyrus begins, eyes cast down at the mulch, or up at the sky, looking everywhere that isn’t near T.J., whose guard immediately goes up at Cyrus’s tone. Can anything go right between these two? “I like you, a lot,” Cyrus says, and T.J. perks up a little bit. Cyrus’s tone is still of, however, and T.J. knows better by now than to do anything stupid like hope. “I like you too!” T.J. blurts out, sincerely and desperate, silently begging Cyrus not to say anything T.J. won’t want to hear. Cyrus smiles at that, and wraps his arms around himself shyly, savoring the feeling of pure bliss that washes over him. A moment later and he comes crashing back to reality. “But, Teej, we’re going to college in a few months and-” “So?” “So? T.J., you’ll be playing basketball in California, and I’ll be across the country in D.C., and we’ll get busy fast. We can’t maintain a long-distance relationship if you’re gonna be practicing and going to class all the time while I’m also up to my neck in work.” “But, Cyrus-” “T.J.,” Cyrus said sternly, “You know I’m right.” T.J. deflated. No, he thought to himself, you aren’t right. You don’t realize that I would drop everything to be with you. “What if we just date now? And see if you still feel the same way after college.” T.J. offered up, panicked at the thought of coming so close to being with Cyrus just to have it torn away. Cyrus just shook his head sadly. “I know I’m not going to change my mind, though. And I don’t think I could bear to let you go after knowing what it’s like to have you.” He said, and the butterflies in T.J.’s stomach would be going buck wild right now if his heart wasn’t too busy breaking. T.J. pressed his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he willed the stinging in his eyes to subside. Fuck Cyrus for always being so damn irrational. The thought of college approaching hadn’t even crossed T.J.’s mind. All he could think about was Cyrus, and how soft his lips were and how he was more confident out there in the cold than T.J. had ever seen him. Overall, T.J. was just happy that is was finally over. Years of questions and arguments and misunderstandings and so much goddamn pining. T.J. thought he would finally be able to put that behind him to be with Cyrus, who T.J. loved more than he ever thought possible. And now what was T.J. supposed to think? He wanted to hold Cyrus’s hand and call him his boyfriend and meet his parents and take him on dates and kiss him until they were both breathless and… T.J. couldn’t handle this pain anymore. “Fine,” he said, not bothering to stop his tears anymore. “If you don’t want to be with me, then that’s fine.” Cyrus looked like he was about to interrupt, but no, it was T.J.’s turn to speak. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending that we’re just friends, that you don’t mean anything to me. So, go to college, Cy. Live your life. I want you to be happy, but I can’t sit back and watch you fall in love with some college guy while I’m stuck across the country without a fighting chance. Just,” T.J. quieted down, wiping his tears off his face and onto his sweatshirt sleeve. “Just leave me alone, Cyrus.” He finished, hollow and cold. Now he was the one refusing to meet Cyrus’s eyes. Cyrus wasn’t saying anything, and T.J. wasn’t about to stand around waiting for him to answer. So he walked away. From the park, from the swings, and Cyrus’s life.----- Cyrus and T.J. hadn’t spoken in almost 6 months. This is something T.J. realized as he was out shopping with his mother and Amber at Shadyside’s local discount home goods store. Amber and T.J. were shopping for their dorm rooms, while their mother was on the prowl for new potholders. T.J. wandered away from the rest of his group, desperate to get away from Amber, who wouldn’t stop talking about how excited she was to be going to the same school as her perfect girlfriend Andi. It hurt too much. As T.J. wandering into the bedding section, his eyes skipped past the ugly paisley bedspreads and overpriced sheets and instead landed on the boy standing less than 10 feet away from him. T.J.’s brain screamed at him to turn and run, but it was too late, as Cyrus had already noticed him. T.J. scolded his breath for catching in his throat as he takes the boy’s appearance in. Cyrus had gotten tanner over the summer so far, and maybe even taller. He looked breathtaking, of course, which was no surprise to T.J. However, he didn’t fail to notice that the boy looked more tired than he had ever seen him, the energy drained from his face and his shoulders slumped. T.J. wondering if he looked that tired to Cyrus. He certainly felt it. T.J. also realized that he and Cyrus had been staring at each other for a good 30 seconds without either of them saying a word. “Hi,” T.J. breathed, surprised he even summoned the courage to say that. It was painfully awkward. Of course, he had seen Cyrus around school before graduation, but they had always just walked past each other silently, only exchanging longing glances when the other wasn’t looking. This was different. They were alone and completely vulnerable. “Hi,” Cyrus said in return, fiddling with the bottom of his button-down. God, T.J. thought, he is so fucking cute. “So-” “I miss you,” Cyrus blurts out, taking one big step towards T.J. Huh. T.J. definitely didn’t expect that. “I miss you so much,” Cyrus repeated, taking another step forward. “Cyrus,” “No, just listen to me, please,” Cyrus begged, and T.J. felt his already weak resolve crumbling. Of course. He would always be there to listen to anything Cyrus had to say, even after months of no contact. T.J. nodded slowly, pushing his growing smile down and keeping his face neutral. “Okay, but not here. Alright? Let’s meet at the swings later tonight.” He said, impressed at himself for not letting his enthusiasm sneak into his voice. Cyrus released a deep breath and smiled genuinely at T.J., whose heart rate immediately spiked at the sight. “Alright. Thank you, T.J..” He said, taking yet another step. T.J. allowed himself to smile back, just a little, before saying goodbye and return to his mother and sister.----- T.J. couldn’t focus on anything for the rest of the day. All he could think about was what Cyrus was going to say, and what T.J. was going to wear. By the time, 6:50 rolled around and the sun was starting to set, T.J. settled on a T.J. that Cyrus had gotten him for his 17th birthday. The shirt was white and big and has a little stegosaurus on it. Cyrus had a matching one. T.J. secretly hope Cyrus would wear it tonight, too. Wishful thinking, he was sure. He paired the shirt with a pair of blue jeans and went on his way, alternating between a slow crawl and a speedwalk on his way to the park, still unsure of whether he was nervous or excited. Cyrus was already there when T.J. arrived. He was dragging his feet against the mulch as he swung slowly, his head down. Upon further inspection, T.J. realized that Cyrus wasn’t wearing the dinosaur t-shirt, but rather a sweatshirt. T.J.’s sweatshirt, one that he had let Cyrus keep years ago. Cyrus was still too small for it, and T.J. couldn’t deny how adorable he looked. The summer night was cooler than usual, and T.J. was envious on Cyrus’s smart decision to wear something warm. “Hi, Teej,” Cyrus said, his voice small and nervous. “Underdog,” T.J. responded, unable to control the nickname that slipped out. “Please, sit,” Cyrus said, sounding so formal that T.J. almost laughed. Almost. T.J. sat on the swings as all the memories, good and bad, rushed backed to him. But, god, he wouldn’t trade them for the world. “What did you want to say to me?” T.J. asked, preparing himself for anything. “I just-” Cyrus began, then cut himself off, shaking his head. He stood up and walked over to T.J.’s swing, positioning himself right in front of it. T.J. dug the toe of his old converse into the ground to keep the swing from hitting Cyrus. “Cyrus?” He asked, bemused. Cyrus just smiled at him, reaching his hand up to entangle his fingers in T.J.’s soft, gel-free hair. “T.J..” He whispered like a promise as his other hand traced the side of his face, moving next to the curve of T.J.’s nose and finally over the plump skin of his lips. Cyrus threw himself forward then as if having lost all self-control. He caught T.J.’s bottom lip with his own, pulling back for a moment to nip softly at the pink skin before diving back into the kiss. Cyrus was confident but gentle, taking his time exploring T.J.’s mouth. T.J. opened his mouth immediately, giving in to every nerve in his body. He stood from the swing without disconnecting their lips, pulling Cyrus into his body by the hips, holding him like he was breakable. All the pent up emotions from six months of no contact were poured into the kiss, and T.J. felt his entire body light up with hope, love, and pure joy. Cyrus pulled away, and T.J. immediately pulled him into a tight hug, dropping his head down to Cyrus’s shoulder. Cyrus melted into the hug, burying his face in T.J.’s t-shirt. “I’ve been thinking about doing that for months,” Cyrus said, his voice muffled but still clear enough for T.J. to understand. “I’ve thought about nothing but you this entire time, Underdog. Even at graduation, I spent the entire time staring at the back of your head. Cyrus pulled away to look at T.J. His smile was blinding. “T.J., I love you. I love you so, so much, and this time away from you had been just absolute torture. I’m sorry, so sorry, for what I said the last time we were here. I didn’t want to say what I said, I promise but… I was scared. I was scared we were going to break up and you were going to hate me. I was scared I would hold you back from happiness in college or leave me for someone better, or-” “Cyrus, stop,” T.J. began, entwining his hands with Cyrus’s, “First of all, I could never hate you. Ever. I am madly in love with you, Cy. You are my best friend and my favorite person in the whole world. Never doubt that I would love you forever. Second of all, how can you hold me back from happiness when you are what makes me happy? These past few months have been torture without you. And third of all, there is not a person on this planet I would choose over you. My heart has belonged to you since we were 12, and it’s yours for as long as you want.” Cyrus was crying now, happy tears. T.J. let go of his hands for a moment to wipe the tears away, then picked them right back up again. “But, Cyrus, what you said about college still stands, we’ll still be so far-” “I know, I know, but I don’t care. Fuck social convention,” Cyrus said sternly. T.J. rose his eyebrows in pleasant surprise. It was rare to see Cyrus curse like that. “We are too strong together to ruin it all just because of stupid school. So fuck it! Fuck what everybody says, fuck the distance. I love you and I know we can do this.” Cyrus was more sure of this than he’s ever been of anything. T.J. smiled and kissed him again. “Okay.” He said. Cyrus grinned. “Remember the first time you kissed me, right over there?” Cyrus mumbled against T.J.’s lips. T.J. nodded. “Think about all the years we could have been together if I had just told you how I felt,” Cyrus said, slightly saddened. T.J. kissed his frown away. “Don’t think about that right now. We have the rest of our lives to make up for it,” T.J. said, and he meant it. He had Cyrus now, so who cares how long it look to get them there. Cyrus nodded happily and took his seat back on the swing, T.J. joining him. As they began to swing, Cyrus realized something. He wasn’t even a little bit afraid to swing high. When he relayed his thought to T.J., the other boy just smiled softly. “We make each other braver, I think,” He said, reaching over to grab Cyrus’s hand. Cyrus agreed. “One,” T.J. said, a mischievous smile on his face. “Two,” Cyrus continued, closing his eyes. “Three,” They cried together, T.J. squeezing Cyrus’s hand. We’re gonna be fine, T.J. thought to himself, happiness overflowing inside of him. And then they jumped.