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방.탄.친.구 // EPISODE 1 Namjoon’s Sausage Surprise[The location is an apartment block in Seoul, inside one of the flats on the third floor up- belonging to Namjoon and Taehyung. The walls are painted a light hue of grey while the furniture and flooring tends to be wooden- Walnut being the preference. On the left wall by the door, there are two abstract paintings in the primary colours. The red brings out the similar shade of the cushions on the sofa, which is yet again light grey. Everything looks in in its place, even the bear bricks lining the shelves and the giant Squirtle plushie by the T.V. The anime discs are all stacked up neatly in the DVD rack.But then there’s a loud sound of crashing. The camera panels over to the right to focus on Namjoon. He is wearing an apron that reads: “Only Crockpots can handle my cooking.” He received it as a Christmas present from Jin last year. The kitchen counter is in a complete mess: flour everywhere, a frying pan laying face down on the kitchen tiles. Namjoon is following a tutorial on his phone. His face becomes animated with confused expressions, almost glaring the ingredients in front of him- or what is left of them. In frustration Joon unties the apron, throwing it to the side with the rest of his mess.]N: [Grumbling to himself.] Gordon Ramsay...[At that moment, the door opens and Taehyung walks in. He has a black jacket over his shoulder and is wearing a matching black waiter’s uniform. In his hands are a set of keys that he tries to place on the table by the door, almost missing it as he stares across as Joon.]T: [Mouth dropping open.] What the fuck have you done to my Kitchen!N: OUR Kitchen.T: No. MY kitchen by the time I’ve found the frying pan in that mess!N: Relax, I’ll clear it up once this is in the oven.T: Is it even edible?N: [Blinking as if taking offence.] Why wouldn’t it be edible, Taehyung? When I made those Waffle desserts that time, they went down like a storm.T: [Taehyung hangs his coat on the back of the door as he speaks.] Then that storm was hurricane Katrina.N: Hurricane Katrina? More like hurricane Namjoon.[Taehyung turns his head slowly, raising an eyebrow at his hyung.]T: I hope for the the world’s sake that isn’t tortillas you are making. And why are you trying to help me put you down?N: [Shrugging.] I was already down, might as well make the process a bit quicker for you... But those waffles were tasty.T: You made JK ill for a whole week, remember?N: Oh please, he just didn’t want to go on the field trip. That French girl he was partnered up with had him Oui-weeing himself.[There’s a loud, rapid knock at the door.]Jk: GUYS! ARE YOU IN THERE?!N: The door’s open.[Jk bursts into the room with Hobi, Yoongi and Jin. While they are all bent over, trying to catch their breath, Hobi runs excitedly over to the window, pressing his face against the glass and going on tip-toes to look down at something.]T [mumbling]: I just got back from work.....Jk: [Breathlessly.] You- aren’t... G-going to believe-what’s-happening...T: I know. I told him it was a bad idea when he made the waffles but...H: [Coming away from the window.] THE GUY’S AT 12 O’CLOCK!T: What????JK: THERE’S A HOT MIDGET MOVING INTO THE APARTMENT BLOCK!T/N: WHERE?![Namjoon drops the tray of Toad in the hole and races over to the window. All of them bar Jin pressing their faces against the glass to try and see.]Jk: Taehyungie Hyung! Move out of the way!H: I swear he didn’t have a shirt on when we saw him.[Jin is standing with his arms crossed in a huff.]J: Guys, guys, guys.... What is wrong with you all? If you’re going to be irrational gay fuckers then you might as well go insane over the right material.Y: Alright. Taehyung, uniform off.J: I meant me.Y: I didn’t.Jk: THERE HE IS!J: ALRIGHT BITCHES LET YOUR HYUNG THROUGH I GET FIRST LOOK![Jin rushes over pushing them all out of the way, staring out of the window. On the street below there is a man with blonde hair, plump glossy lip and sunglasses walking along. All 6 of them go wide eyed as they watch the man enter the building. Each of them look at each other in silence for a second. All at once they race to push through the door.]J: UGH TAEHYUNG WHY DOES YOUR ASS HAVE TO TAKE UP THE WHOLE DOOR FRAME?!T: This booty could use your shoulders as a fucking Seesaw.Y: Taehyung, that’s a trivia fact.J: HA! SEE YOU LATER BITCHES![Squeezes through the gap and starts running for the stairs.]Jk: OH NO YOU DON’T JIN![squeezes our after him.]N: A-are we really going to chase after this one guy that Hoseok was being a hoe over?Y: Well I mean that’s how we adopted Taehyung into this group.T: E-Excuse m-me?!N: [Thinking of a distraction] Hoseok was in a porn movie!H: How did you find out about that?![There’s a pause, Namjoon, Yoongi and Taehyung turn to look at Hobi. Hobi stares back.]N: I- I was making up a distraction.H: ...... I know... [High pitches voice, sweaty clammy hands].And I was joking around. I was going along with it and... HAHAHA you see? I’m laughing! I’m finding it funny because it’s completely a joke and I knew everything you said was false and-HAHAHAHAHA[Bolts it down the hallway. There’s a moments silence.]T: Lucky bastard. The only thing I get to pull on is the lever for bloody pints.[Yoongi and Namjoon shake their heads at Taehyung disapprovingly.]T: Ok, but you two don’t know my workplace. You feel more naked with pervert customers checking you out than you’ll ever feel on camera.Y: Sorry I’ll find another bar to go and sit in.N: That’s enough of this. Let’s go and see this walking Ken doll.SCENE 2:[Jimin enters the apartment block, dragging a case which seems to be really heavy after him. He stops at the bottom of the stairs, taking a breath and wiping his forehead. He doesn’t see Jin leaning over the banister glaring at him. Jin clears his throat.]J: When they said Marilyn was coming to the building I didn’t expect her to be this short.[Jimin looks about to see where the voice is coming from. Eventually he looks up to see Jin slowly descending the staircase, staring Jimin down.]Jm: [With a nervous smile.] Oh. Hello! I’m Jimin, I’ve just moved here... Do you live in the apartment block?J: [Gives a low, sinister windshield laugh.]Jm: Ummm.... Ok????J: Sorry, I didn’t expect you to be so... Jimin.Jm: Oh... I-JK: JIN YOU BITCH IF YOU BREAK THE TOY B- [Sees Jimin stood there]-admington racket then...... My cute little six year old cousin that I’m raising single handed because his parents died and I’m a saint..... Is going to be very upset.[Coughs to clear his throat and leans against the banister.]Hello. I’m Jungkook. Nice to meet you.Jm: Nice to meet you too, I’m Park Jimin. I wonder if you can help me actually, I’m on the way to my hotel, but here to meet up with someone first; I’m here for a room tour with my potential future roommate.J: [In his head]. If it’s Taehyung, his thick ass is going to take up all the room and just leave the “mate”. Then Yoongi’s going to wake me up trying to sneak across the hallway to them.[Switching to our loud.] Shit I’ll never get to sleep again.Jm: Huh?J: Nothing.Jm: Oh ok I’m looking for a Jung Hoseok!Jk: What did you just fucking say?Jm: Jung Hoseok.... Do you know him?Jk: Omg... Jimin! I didn’t recognise you!!! It’s me!!!!Jm: .... You just said your name is Jungkook.Jk: Shhhhhh! [putting his finger to his lip with a seductive smile].People’s names never matter, it’s the soul that encases them that does.Jm: Right....Jk: Jung Hoseok.... Is my um..... Stage name????[Sound of running down stairs].N: Jung Hoseok! I can’t believe you were in a porn movie and you didn’t tell us....[Jungkook looks back at Jimin with blushing cheeks and a panicked expression.]W-well.... I never specified what performances I do.....[Hobi, Namjoon, Yoongi and Taehyung appear.]H: FOUND HIM!Jm: Who... M-me?!H: Yes you! I saw you out on the street, we’ve been waiting for you.Jm: Are you Hoseok then? [Looks at Jungkook in concern]. This Jungkook person was trying to confuse me and say he was you...H: Ah, yes... Our little Kookie likes to play tricks on people, he’s like a child.J: [Folding his arms with a smirk.] A child who raises his six year old cousin single handed because his parents died.Jk: Jin, this adult-child will jump hard onto your seesaw shoulders and snap them.H: Wait, how do you know my name?Jm: I’m Jimin. I’m the guy who wants to look at your apartment. I’ve got to be out of here by 4 so is it ok if you start showing me around?H: Right this way Jimin.[Extends his arm gesturing for Jimin to go up. Jin shakes his head with narrowing eyes. He catches Taehyung sniggering at him.]J: Taehyung... You’re a butler aren’t you? Take Jimin’s luggage for him.T: No, I’m a waiter, hyung.J: [Shrugging] Meh, same thing. Both are pointless jobs.T: [Fists clenching, moving past Jungkook.] Ok say that again to my face. You tend to ramble incoherently and I’m a bit deaf.N: Guys, don’t start fighting again when we have a guest.Jm: It’s ok. My friends argue all the time too. [Trying to pick up his case.]Jk: Here, let me get it for you. [Bends down and flexes his muscles as he picks it up. Jimin try’s to avert his googling eyes from them.]Jm: Whoa! You’re really strong!Jk: Hopefully enough to distract you from that terrible start we had.Jm: Don’t worry, I’ve been trying to forget your name for the past five minutes.Jk: [Laughs with his sweet bunny smile and puts out his hand.] Jeon Jungkook. I’m the youngest here and actually an art student at College.Jm: Oh so not a muscly porn star?Jk: No... Someday though.[Both men laugh and look at each other. The camera pans in slowly, focusing on their silent stare and sweet smiles. Piano music is in the background. The camera shifts out to show the others all staring at Jimin and Jk in confusion. It zooms in again on Namjoon and Yoongi exchanging looks, Namjoon shaking his head at Yoongi.]Y: [Pointing at Taehyung]. Lucky all I want is to get on his bar table one night.SCENE 3:[Its in the evening. The apartment has been cleaned and Namjoon is sat on the sofa, changing channels with the T.V. remote. There’s a knock at the door and Joon gets up to open it. There stood in the doorway is Yoongi in a T.shirt and boxers, carry a pillow under one arm.]Y: Can I sleep here tonight?N: Why? Did Jin kill someone and use your bed sheets to hide it?Y: [Walking in an yawning.] No, but he’s driving me insane. He won’t stop talking. It’s Jimin this and Taehyung that... Well, the Taehyung that bit was great, but his moaning...N: [Closes his door.] I see what you mean. Jin’s being really hot headed at the moment... It’s ever since he got that new job at the school. It’s changed him.Y: [Moving Namjoon’s remote and curling up.]Yeah... Night Joon!N: It’s 7:30Y: And your point is?N: Have you even eaten?Y: No, but I’m not hungry.N: You need to eat something... [Goes to the kitchen.] Here, have some of this Toad in the hole.Y: Oh that’s right! Um.... My brain isn’t working. I have eaten haha...[The bathroom door opens and we can hear a deep but extremely loud voice singing opera style. Taehyung walks out with just a towel around his waist, beads of water sparkling on his chest. He walks right past Joon to his room, not noticing Yoongi sat on the sofa smirking with approving nods. The door to his room slams shut.]Y: My appetite is back.N: Good then you can have the rest of this-Y: Joon, no! There are things in this world that are meant to be parallel, that should never meet, that are polar opposites... There’s Yin verses Yang, Day verses night... Renaldo verses Messi- My point is. You and cooking is a relationship that should have ended the day you first picked up a knife.N: Alright, alright.... I get it...[Picks up the giant Squirtle plushy and squeeze it tightly in his arms, sinking into the black bean bag by the sofa.]Y: Joon... If you’re sulking because you’re not gonna be the new Gregg Raunchy-N: Gordon Ramsay.Y: Huh?N: Never mind... No, that’s not what I’m... [Sighs.] Just never mind.[Yoongi frowns and gets up from his position on the sofa. He moves a bit closer to Joon and clasps his hands resting them on his knees.]Y: I can’t believe I’m prioritising you over sleep... But I’m listening. Anything you want to say, even if you find it hard to get the words out, I’ll listen all n-N: There’s a girl.Y: Ok that was quicker than I expected can I sleep now?N: There’s a girl in my lectures.Y: Another English student???N: Yeah, but no... I mean... She’s learning to teach English literature too, but she’s fluent actually British and she’s.... So intelligent...[Yoongi presses his lips together and nods. Namjoon continues.]N: I was talking to her last week and she mentioned something about a show called the Great British Bake Off and that she really likes cooking and well....[He points to the left over tray of Toad in the hole.]That’s my practice attempt at making a dish to remind her of home.[Yoongi is silent, looking down at the floor for a second. Namjoon adjusts himself on the seat, waiting in concern for his hyung to say something.]Y: Do you think if I made some of Daegu’s blowfish bulgogi Taehyung will let me pull his trousers off?N: YOONGI![Yoongi doesn’t say anything, just chuckles with his gummy smile, still looking at the floor. Eventually one of his hands comes up to Namjoon’s hair and he strokes it reassuringly.]Y: You know I’m joking, Namjoon. You’re very sweet and I think she’ll appreciate the fact you thought of doing it.N: You think?Y: I know so... Can I sleep now?N: Of course you can.[At that moment Taehyung’s door opens again. He comes out still singing his opera songs. Yoongi grabs his pillow and lobs it across the room, hitting Taehyung in the back of the head and knocking the toothbrush in his hand into the Toad in the hole.]T: NOOOO! HYUNG! WHY!? [He takes the battered, oily toothbrush out of the tray in disgust.]Y: That’s revenge.T: FOR WHAT?!Y: Confusing me with your duality for years on end.T: Just find yourself a girlfriend and get lost!Y: Goodnight Taehyung! [Grabbing his pillow back and curling up on the couch.]T: Argh! [Goes back to his room and closed the door again.][Namjoon gets up from the bean bag, placing Squirtle back in his usual sitting place. As he steps past Yoongi he can hear some soft snores as he fell alsleep instantaneously. Namjoon grabs a red quilt from the bay window and lays it over his hyung, smiling to himself before walking off to his bedroom.]SCENE 4:[It’s the next morning inside Namjoon and Taehyung’s flat. Jungkook has used a key to quietly enter. As he shuffles on, we notice he’s wearing an Iron Man onesie and rubbing his Bambi eyes tiredly, his black hair looking fluffy and disheveled. Jungkook opens up their fridge and brings out the milk, almost throwing it on the work surface. While all of this is going on, Yoongi is still out on the couch, arm falling off, mouth open, catching flies. Jungkook then grabs a bowl and some cereal, and to the Armys reading this distastes’, he pours the milk before adding the cereal. Once all the things have been put back, Jungkook hops onto the counter and sits there crossed legged, munching loudly. Yoongi’s eyes open and he sits up, glaring with adjusting eyes over at his friend.]Y: Jungkook? What the heck are you doing here for?Jk: [Mouth still full.] Eating cereal.Y: Huh?Jk: [Clears his mouth first.] Eating cereal.Y: Ok... but why?Jk: Because I’ll die otherwise.Y: No! I mean... Why here? Why not in your apartment?Jk: I always eat in here. Every morning. Then I don’t have to buy cereal or milk.Y: Ok... But Namjoon and Taehyung do.Jk: Namjoon’s a trainee teacher he can afford it. Me? I’m a college student. We have to make sacrifices to survive. Every time I buy a banana milk, my wallet feels the effects of the Wall Street Crash.Y: Oh ok.[The door to Taehyung’s room opens. He rushes out in a different uniform and quickly grabs a cereal bar from the cupboard, acknowledging Jungkook with a nod as he moves past him. He turns to see Yoongi’s gummy smile on him and rolls his eyes, picking up his keys from the coffee table and his coat from the back of on of the dining table’s chairs.]T: I hate early starts...Jk: Same. I have a lecture at 9.T: 9?! You’re complaining over a lecture because it’s at 9?! I’m going to be serving the first rush of people at 8:30 all demanding coffee on the go. And then they’ll start whining because it’s taking too long when I literally only started a few seconds before.Y: But you work in a pub...T: If you’re such an expert on me you’ll know I work every other morning in a Café too.Y: A man’s got to sleep. I don’t start stalking until the afternoons.T: Right. I’m going to be late, I need to go.Jk: Bye hyung!T: Bye! [Exits through the door as Namjoon walks in from the door to his bedroom.]N: Did Taehyung leave already?Jk: Yeah.N: Oh. I think he left his belt in my room [holding one up.][Yoongi and Jk exchange looks wide eyes.]Jk: So this apartment sharing is like THAT now?N: .....NO!Y: Sounds like it to me... You may want to check if this British girl is up for threesomes.N: SHHHHH![There’s a sound of clattering as Jungkook’s spoon fall from his hand into his bowl. He looks at Namjoon with Jungshook eyes.]Jk: WHAT?! There’s a British girl now?!N: For Christ’s sake, Yoongi!Jk: It’s ok Joonie hyung your secret is safe with me... Is she good in bed?N: Jesus, Kookie! No! I mean! I don’t know! Maybe. She probably is but- Look there IS no girl! Not yet.Jk: Not yet.... So it’s a working process... I see how it is.[An evil bunny smile appears on his face. He puts the bowl down next to him and crosses his arms over his chest.]What would you do if I tried to use the English you’ve taught me against you?N: Yoongi, what are you doing tonight?Y: Nothing, why?N: Suddenly I’m going out so Taehyung will be needing some company...Y: I think I can make time for that.Jk: [Biting his cheek.] That doesn’t affect me. Why would I care about that?N: No, no. It’s not what they are up to you should be worried about- sorry hyung but I think Tae isn’t having it- What you should be worried about is where I’m thinking of going.Jk: Which is where exactly?N: After the look around yesterday, Jimin and I started tal-Jk: British girl is yours.N: Good.Jk: But about Jimin-ssi, did Hobi hyung say whether he was going to say yes to the room share?N: He said he’d think about it.Jk: Oh... Ok... [Trying not to look disappointed. He moves to the fridge and brings out some more milk, pouring it into a glass for himself.]Y: Don’t worry kid, you just met this man. I’ve been trying for the past five years.N: Do you actually talk about anything other than Taehyung?Y: Yes. I talk about sleep.N: Alright. At least there’s something.[At this moment, there’s a knock at the door.]Jk: [Mouth full of milk.] I’ll get it.[Jungkook moves to the door and opens it, ready to tell Jin to piss off. Instead his eyes are gifted with great porcelain skin, a fluffy, parted fringe and sincere brown eyes. Jungkook’s mouth opens slightly, allowing some milk to escape down the front of his iron man onesie. Immediately his wipes it with his sleeve, going red in embarrassment.]Jk: H-h- hello....Jm: [Trying not to laugh at Jungkook’s panic.] Hi Jungkook! Is Namjoon here? I think I left my belt here last night and I’ve came to collect it.[The scene is left with Yoongi and Jungkook’s eyes widening in horror and then all slowly turning to look at Namjoon, belt still clasped tightly in his hand.]SCENE 5:[Taehyung is serving a woman in the café. There isn’t many people there at the moment as the rush hour is over, but as Taehyung works the bell on the door rings and someone walks in. While putting the woman’s money in the cash drawer he looks up briefly to see who has entered. It’s Hoseok, who gives Taehyung a small smile and heads over to one of the armchairs at the back, sinking into it. Taehyung carries on serving the woman and once she has gone with her coffee, he leaves the counter.]T: Alright?H: Yeah. Just came to check up on you. Are you alright?T: Now the morning-rush’s over, I am. Do you know what time it is?H: You’re wearing a watch.T: It doesn’t work.H: It doesn’t work?T: No.H: .... Then why the fuck do you wear it?T: Because! .... Well, it’s a good quality watch first of all.H: [Smiling jokingly.] Such a good quality if it’s broken.T: [Impatient.] Alright, alright. I get it.[Taehyung takes his watch off and tosses it over to Hoseok. Not expecting this, Hobi catches it at the last second. His smile dissipates.]H: Taehyung, I’m just joking around. You can still wear it if it means that much to-T: Just forget it! I’ve taken it off now anyway.H: Did you and Yoongi swap sides like night? Because you’ve definitely woken up on the wrong one.T: I said forget it![Hoseok shifts in his seat contemplating whether to get up or leave. In the end he just stares down his younger friend.]H: What is wrong with you?T: I’m sorry.H: No, Taehyung, you always do this. Stop being so private for crying out loud.[Hoseok throws his arm out and knocks over a half full cup of green tea that a customer must have left behind.]....Not the kind of tea I wanted to be spilled.T: [Taehyung makes an small chuckling sound and manages to smile as he brings over a cloth to start clearing up Hobi’s mess. Hoseok shakes his head and takes the cloth from his hand.]H: My mess. I clean up.T: Fine by me.[Taehyung takes the cup away and comes back.]Nothing is wrong this time, hyung, I promise. Well there is one thing that’s wrong, but it’s something that most people have to deal with their whole lives.H: Which is?T: Working long hours for fucking pittance.[Taehyung gives Hobi a boxy smile as he states this, both of them ending up giggling. Once Hobi is finished cleaning up, Taehyung collapses into the sofa by his hyung.]H: You just work your way up, I guess. I used to be a paper boy.T: Did you?H: Yep. You think you get nothing now. The only time I got something decent was at Christmas because some of people left envelopes of money for me as a gift. They liked me.T: Everyone likes you. That’s why we call you Hope or Hobi.H: Not because no English speaker can fucking pronounce my name right then?T: No....Hoseok. What porn movie was it?H: No, no, no. They were dark days.T: [Face lighting up.] So it is true?H: Unfortunately.T: Pleeeeeaaassseee hyung!!!!!H: No!T: Please!H: No! Nothing you say will change-T: Outback have sprite, food coupons and a whole ass Min Yoongi.H: Yoongi?T: He knows I work here now so probably. I’ll see him stood there when I’m washing up.H: Why just wash up when you can wash him up?T: He’s more fairy than the washing up liquid brand. I swear.H: So are all of us.T: I wish I could pass him off on Angela or something.H: Angela?T: One of the Saturday workers.H: Oh ok.T: She’s a nice girl...[Hoseok raises his eyebrows.]H: Is she now?T: No I don’t mean- She has her eyes on someone anyway. Like Namjoon she’s learning to be a teacher and studying at the same time sort of thing. Don’t know what subject she does, but it’s someone from her lectures.H: Bad luck.T: Not really. She’s nice but not my type.[At that moment the door opens and another customer comes in. Both Hoseok and Taehyung stand up.]H: I’ll leave you to it. I’ve got some things to move around before dance lessons this evening.T: Does that mean Jimin is moving in then?H: Yep! As well as sexy as fuck he’s really sweet. He’s going to be friend with everyone from day one.T: Don’t count Jin on that.H: I won’t. Bye![The scene ends with Hoseok leaving the café and Taehyung serving the next customer.]SCENE 5[We are back to Taehyung and Namjoon’s apartment with the characters where they were stood before- Yoongi and Jk staring at Namjoon with a mortified expression. Namjoon’s eyes widen as he looks at Jimin, almost letting the belt slip from his hands.]N: T-this i-is your belt.Jm: Yes. Sorry I forgot to take it with me when I woke up....[Jimin notices how the others are all staring at him. He gulps nervously.]Um... I’m just going to go now. [He takes his belt off of Namjoon giving him a a reassuring smile as he does so. He stood at the door and turns back to them all, his eyes disappearing behind his cheeks as he smiles brightly.]Jm: I’ll see you all on Monday!Jk: S-so you are moving in?Jm: Yes, I am. Alright. See you all.N: Wait, Wait, wait![Namjoon moves forward and grabs Jimin’s wrist at the last minute.]You can’t go and leave me to explain this!Jm: .... Explain what?[Namjoon lets go of his wrist and Jimin leaves, taking any confidence still in the room with him. The door closes.]Jk: What did I just fucking witness....N: It isn’t what you think.Y: Ok so what is it then? I was joking around about the belt thing earlier but now the hot guy from the street was here last night and happened to let his trousers go loose in your bedroom?N: GUYS! I SWEAR! IT’S NOTHING!Jk: The only time you’ve been right when saying that is when you said your cooking skills were nothing.N: I’m after the British girl remember! I’m as straight at a ruler!Yoongi: Then that ruler is a flexi ruler.Jk: Your belt was in his room!Y: As your darling Elizabeth Browning would say in her poetic tongue: you set “thy trunk all bare”.N: I set no ones fucking trunk bare! I didn’t touch his trousers at all!Jk: No it just means he whipped them off voluntarily in front of you!N: OK! OK! OK! I ADMIT IT!Y: You do?!N: I admit that he took his trousers off.... But there were no kinky condolences or intimate intertwinings involved...Y: I’ll remind you about that down the aisle.Jk: Yoongi, just listen to him.N: Ok... Look. I-it happened at about 9 o’clock last night. When you, Yoongi hyung, were fast asleep. Taehyung has gone out to buy a toothbrush. There wasn’t any sterilising fluid left in the house. Some stupid fucker misplaced it and thought we wouldn’t notice if he replaced it with Downy.Jk: Sounds like a genius plan to me.N: Well... It was then I had a knock at the door....[The scene flashes back to last night and Namjoon walking to the door. He opens it up to see Jimin stood there. For the next part of the scene, NN: stands for Narrator Namjoon while N: stands for Namjoon in the flashback.]NN: I was surprised when I saw him stood there, drenched completely through. His white shirt was glued to his torso, bare skin glowing through the opaque fabric...Jk: If you are a regular ruler, don’t draw fancy curves.NN: Sorry.[Namjoon tries to keep his eyes away from Jimin’s clothing, keeping his eyes fixated on the man’s face instead.]N: Oh. Hello... Your name was Jimin, wasn’t it?Jm: Yes, it was. And you were Kim Namjoon? Is that right?N: [Nervous laugh.] That’s me.Y: And the ruler has been snapped in half....Jm: Sorry for the inconvenience. I was wondering if Hoseok was here; I knocked on his door but he didn’t answer.N: He’s out on a dinner date at the moment... Is it anything I can help with?Jm: I think I left my room key card in his flat.N: That’s problematic... If I had a key I’d let you in, but Hobi hyung doesn’t trust any of us enough.Jm: Oh shit. What do I do now?N: [Awkwardly.] I-I would o-offer you my couch but um... As you can see it’s currently unavailable.Jm: Isn’t that Yoonji?Y: What the hell? Where’d he get Yoonji from?N: Yoongi actually.Jm: Oops, my mistake!N: Um... As he’s here you could go and knock on Jin’s door. I’m sure he’ll let you crash there for the night.Jm: I think that Jin and I didn’t get off to the best of starts...N: Oh. I don’t know what to do about that then. Errrrr......NN: And in that moment I seemed to be Jin hyung, using my last brain cell to try and think of a solution. But, it would be a lie if said his shirt wasn’t distracting me.Jm: Namjoon.... N-namjoon???N: [Snapping our of his trance.] SHIRT! Huh, sorry, what?Jm: I asked if I could use your bathroom.N: Oh... Of course. Go right ahead.NN: I stood at the open door way for a few seconds, It was at this point I realised that I never actually told him where the toilet was. I crept across the floor, making sure not to wake you, hyung. But I put my hand up to the bathroom door and it opened easily enough. There was no one in there.N: PSSST! JIMIN! WHERE ARE YOU??[Namjoon checks around the flat, starting with Taehyung’s room. He even goes as extra as to open the fridge and under the sofa. He does all of this before opening the door to his bedroom.]NN: And I opened it up to see he was using my bathroom, not the normal bathroom.Jk: Wait. You have your own bathroom?!NN: Shit! Don’t tell Taehyung about that, he doesn’t have one!Y: And he’d lived with you for how long?!NN: He’s never needed to go into my room and I’ve never need to go in his before today! We could get up to anything behind those doors.Jk: Like secretly having a turd in your own fancy bathroom.NN: Basically.[There’s a vomiting sound from Namjoon’s bathroom.]N: Oh no....[Jimin emerges, his porcelain skin now appearing sickly pale.]Jm: I’m so sorry! I think that portion of Toad in the hole Hoseok gave me was dodgy.N: EXCUSE ME?! HE PASSED OF HIS PORTION OF MY TOAD IN THE HOLE... TO YOU?!Jm: .... No.....N: That dickhead.Jm: My stomach feels terrible.....N: Your comments aren’t helping my self esteem. Are you fucking Gordon Ramsay?Jm: I’ve heard of a Gregg Raunchy but not a Gordon Ramsay....N: Forget it.[Jimin makes a wrenching sound.]IN THE TOILET! IN THE TOILET! IN THE TOILET![Namjoon essentially shoves Jimin into the bathroom. A few moments later he emerges.]Jm: Sorry-N: Did you flush?Jm: Yes of course I flushed.N: And wash your hands?Jm: Twice.N: Good. And before you flushed did you-Jm: Close the lid? Namjoon, I’m not a child.N: No. A child would get Gordon Ramsay’s name right.Jm: I can’t deal with this... [Jimin starts undoing his trousers.]N: NO, NO, NO! What do you think your doing?!Jm: Relax, I’m just taking my belt off to release some of this pressure.[Jimin starts undoing it again.]N: NOOOO![In gay panic, the images of Jimin’s semi-bare torso in his head, Namjoon lounges forward to stop Jimin from going further. As he moves, he trips over a bag on the floor and stumbles forward. His last means of support being Jimin’s belt loop. As he goes down, Jimin’s trousers and boxers go down with him.][End of flashback.]N: And that’s when I saw it, literally an inch away from my face.Jk: Was it big?NN: No.Jk: Did you suck it?NN: NO!Jk: Then why did he say “when I woke up.”N: HE WAS SICK! I couldn’t just make him go out there again. He slept on my bed and snuck out early hours of the morning. He felt much better after a few regurgitations.Y: Hold on...Jk: What?Y: There’s something that doesn’t make sense.N: What doesn’t make sense?[Yoongi’s eyes narrow.]Y: If Jimin was in your bed, and you didn’t sleep with him, where were you sleeping? On your uncomfortable, cold wooden floor?SCENE 7:[A flashback to last night. This time we are in Taehyung’s room. The walls are painted the same shade of light grey. There’s quite a minimalistic touch, just with the odd pop of colour from more art work and giant One Piece poster on the far left. The lighting is dark and you can just about see Taehyung’s figure curled up under the covers. There’s a knock at the door.]N: Taehyung...[Taehyung doesn’t wake up so Namjoon knocks again.]N: Taehyung? Are you asleep.T: [Mumbling] I was, you dickhead.[The door clicks open and Joonie slips in, closing the door behind him. He turns the light on and Taehyung shoots out of bed in surprise!]T: JESUS CHRIST! WHY D’YOU DO THAT?N: Shhhhh! Yoongi’s sleeping!T: Do I care?N: About him? No. About me? I hope so...[Taehyung folds his arms and he looks at his hyung in suspicion.]T: What do you want?N: [Holding up a pillow.]T: [Eyes widening.] No, no, no! NOT YOU TOO! One Min Yoongi is enough trouble, I don’t need a Kim Namjoon trying to sneak his way into my pants as well!N: What?! No! I’m straight!T: I’ll believe it when I see your cock in a vagina.N: I’m working on it, trust me... Now let me sleep with you.T: No.N: Whyyy?T: Are you actually insane?!N: Probably. But I don’t have a bed to sleep in tonight sooo.T: Wait. Who’s in your bed?N: Jimin.T: [A smirk appearing.] Park Jimin?N: Yes.T: You can have my bed. I’ll go sleep there.N: He’s been vomiting up Toad in a hole all evening.T: Let’s sleep together!N: What a good idea![Taehyung gets back into bed and Namjoon turns off the light, making his way over. He’s about to get in when he notices something vital.]Is there actually going to be enough room?T: Thanks for the concern. I’ll push you off if I need it.N: Ok....[He gets into the bed, seizing up when he notices that he has Taehyung’s bare torso on his back.]C-can’t you wear a t.shirt or some pyjamas... Like a normal person?!T: If you didn’t turn the heating so high maybe I could but bloody Ice King here wants Gunther to properly cook.N: No, that’s just what I wish my Sausages did.T: Go to sleep.N: Please put a shirt on...T: DO YOU WANT TO SLEEP HERE OR WHAT?!N: More than anything.T: Good. Wait- don’t ever say that sentence again.N: Ok.T: Night.N: N-night I guess...T: Why the fuck are you so nervous?N: I’m not it’s just I can feel your dick against my butt.T: Blimey. You’re more Raunchy than Gregg-N: GORDON RAMSAY! End of episode.
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방.탄.친.구 // EPISODE 2 Jungkook’s tits-up day.[We open episode two in a new location, in an apartment with a similar lay out to Namjoon and Taehyung’s. However, it’s a mirrored version. Jin and Yoongi have been living across the hall from their friends for the past two years, but in that time, the initial interior has barely changed. The walls are still the same white shade, they still use the same coffee table and sofa.The only main change is the large leather recliner Yoongi bought and often, just like he is now, ends up dozing off in. There’s also by the window a large corner desk, where two large monitors are set up, connected to a PC and electric keyboard. When the door is open, you can just about see the Mario figures lining the shelf in the right hand corner.At this moment, the door is closed, but a few seconds into the camera roll, a loud alarm can be heard going off and a voice groaning loudly.“Fuuuucccckk...”The door to Jin’s room opens and he shuffles out in a set of pinstriped pyjamas and oversized, fluffy and pink slippers. Yoongi remains flat out asleep.]J: [Drowsily.] Yoongi... You need to get up. I need help with this cake-thing I’ve got to make.[Yoongi remains in his own little dream world, where he is rapping to millions, where he has hit the billboard 200 and gone to Grammy’s and influenced many with his tongue technology.]J: [Shaking Yoongi’s shoulder.] Come on, you need to wake up to the real world now.[Yoongi is still limp. If it wasn’t for the tiny snores coming out of his nostrils, Jin would have thought he had finally died on him. As a last attempt of waking his younger friend up, he leans in, putting his lips to Yoongi’s ear. He plays with the position of his tongue in his mouth and clears his throat.]J: [In a forcefully deep voice.] Yoongi hyung, you’re making your Taehyungie wait. Wake up so we can finish what we started.Y: [Eyes shooting open.] Certainly.[He see’s Jin inches away and pulls a face half way between disgust and disappointment.]J: Did I fool you?Y: No, your voice scared my eargasm away if anything.J: Whatever. Get up, we have a cake to make.Y: Why can’t you just buy one from the store?J: I’m not spending extra money on that little shit!Y: ...Is it Jungkook’s birthday already?J: Not that little shit! The other one, Park Jimin!Y: Oh... Well that little shit came from a golden throne...J: No, he fucking came from a fucking medieval cesspit. And if I have to see him for more than five minutes at a time, I’m gonna fall right through the holes in the boards and drown.Y: You’ll stop at the shoulders.J: [Shaking his head with gritted teeth.] I absolutely hate him...Y: Why? What’s he actually done to make you angry?J: Breathe.Y: I think you need Hope to give you a check up...J: No I don’t. I’ll be ok... [Taking a deep breath.] After today, all I need to do is avoid him in the hallways... Perhaps I’ll take the fire exit to get to work....What am I even saying?! YOONGI-AH!!! SAVE MEEEE!!!Y: Do you need my love before you fall, fall?J: YESSSSS!!!! I mean! NO! I just want you to get rid of him!!!Y: Assassinations cost. How much you got to offer me?J: Personally, not much. My dad though...Y: Ugh a daddy’s boy-J: My dad’s a CEO.Y: We LOVE a daddy’s boy!!J: Seriously though, we need to start making this cake.Y: You realise that if you make a cake, it’s putting in more effort than spending some money would.J: Oh yeah...Y: What you need to do is pretty simple.J: What?Y: Jimin’s dick is small, but probably spicy.J: How the fuck do you know that?Y: Namjoon.J: Makes sense. I knew joon would come out eventually...Y: Yeah well what you need to do is give Jimin a little spice he’s familiar with.J: Spike the cake?Y: Spike the cake indeed.J: Yoongi, you’re a genius.Y: I am what I eat.J: Taehyung works in a bar.Y: But you don’t know what he gets up to in his spare time...J: ...At this point, I would feel safer as Jimin’s roommate.SCENE 2[We enter a flat on the 4th floor of the building. This one is less spacious than the other two we have seen, but the larger window spanning the entire left wall, and balcony to accompany it, makes up for the space lost. From the black rails, fairy lights are strung, which at night shine a warming yellow. However as it is currently morning. The blue tint of the sky faintly reflects itself onto the white, round rug in the centre- which Mickey is sunbathing on. Sitting on the sofa, engrossed in a book is Hoseok, lips making a pouting expression as he scans over the text.A few moments in, Jungkook emerges from the bathroom, looking very contrasting to the college boy in the Iron Man onesie. His fluffy black hair has been combed out carefully, giving it a glossy shine as the natural light beams in. He is wearing a baby blue shirt, but still being the casual guy he is, the top two buttons remain undone, sleeves rolled up. Through his belt loops, he can be seen wearing Taehyung’s belt and he is borrowing a pair of Hoseok’s black shoes.]Jk: What are you reading?H: [Not bothering to look up.] Someone’s shit explanation of the “evidence” there is for ESP being coded for by introns.Jk: Ok, while I don’t like to call myself dumb, I’m too dense to understand any of that language you just used.H: Basically there’s DNA that we’re unsure what it codes for and this dude is trying to say that it could code for Psychic abilities.Jk: Well it could, couldn’t it? You don’t know that it doesn’t.H: Do you know anyone who has superpowers like that?Jk: I know Taehyung has a way of drawing men to his rear end.H: [Rolls his eyes and finally looks up from his book. His eyes soften when he looks Jungkook up and down.]Wow, Jungkook-ah! You’ve scrubbed up nicely!Jk: I know! I’m guessing that’s the wonders of your new tub... Unfortunately, while people like me can’t afford this stuff, people like you can thrive off of it.H: Jungkook, I’m a Junior Doctor, not a millionaire who can afford a whole wardrobe of Supreme.Jk: You should try being a college student.H: I was, you idiot. What do you do with your money to make yourself so poor? Do you fucking invest in crates of banana milk?Jk: Art supplies, hyung. You heard of them? And no, I don’t mean the art supplies you used to spray paint with in that porno movie.H: I don’t know what you are talking about.Jk: I happened to be having a jog by the café when I overheard you and Taehyung discussing your “dark days.”H: If you repeat this to anyone, I’ll make your vision go “dark” permanently.Jk: I won’t, I promise. I’m the one wanting to use your apartment aren’t I?H: I still don’t understand why you can’t use your own place.Jk: Have you even been in there?H: Yeah... Just not recently. You don’t ever invite us over.Jk: With good reasons in mind.H: [Putting the book on his table and going over to give Mickey some fuss.] We’ll leave you be then. Namjoon and Taehyung need help getting the place set up for this welcoming party.[Hobi tried to coax Mickey off his space on the rug.]Jk: No, no. Leave Mickey here!H: I need to take him back to Dawon Noona this afternoon.Jk: Ok but wait until the date is over. Girls dig dogs!H: [Blinking twice.] So... You want to use my dog to make you look good?Jk: YES!H: ... Have you even took into account Mickey’s feelings about this?[Jungkook looks into Mickey’s big brown eyes as he makes a little whining noise. Jungkook examines him for a few minutes before looking up at his hyung again.]Jk: Nah. He’ll be finneee...[At this moment there’s a knock at the door. Mickey jumps off the rug and goes padding over to the door, barking in excitement. Jungkook and Hobi stare at each other with wide eyes.]Jk: SHIT! SHE’S EARLY?!H: She’s British, didn’t you say? The only times they know is extremely early or extremely late.Jk: HYUNG! GO HIDE IN THE BATHROOM!H: Or I could be a normal person and just leave.[Hobi goes over to the door and opens it to reveal a girl stood behind it. She’s quite small with large blue eyes and a freckled nose. Her hair is short with a long wavy fringe, draping across her for head so it tickles the ear on the opposite side. Her hair is naturally dirty blonde, but has been highlighted with lighter streaks.]H: Oh hi!! You must be Angela?A: Hello! Yes, that’s me. So you’re Jungkook?H: Actually no, I’m his friend Hoseok. Nice to meet you though.Jk: [Jumping up in the background to get a look at her.] NOONA, IT’S ME! I’M JUNGKOOK!A: [Looking about.] Oh hello... Who said that?[Hoseok moves out of the way when Jk is mid jump. He lands and stares at Angela in embarrassment, clearing his throat.]Jk: Ummm... H-hello...H: [Slipping past Angela.] And this is where I leave...A: HIII!!! It’s nice to finally meet you in person!!!![Jungkook remains stood in his place, staring at the younger woman in front of him. His eyes slightly lower, following the silver-cross necklace strung from her neck. He held back the sound in his throat as his eyes met her cleavage.]Jk: [In his head.] OH. MY. GOD. BIG BOOBS ALERT! BIG BOOBS! AVERT YOUR EYES, JUNGKOOK! AVERT YOUR EYEESS! YOU’VE BEEN STARING TOO LONG!!!A: [Closing the door after her.] Would it be it be inappropriate to say that you’re more handsome than I expected?Jk: [In his head.] Would it be inappropriate to say your future kids will be well fed?[Out loud.] T-thank y-you. So are you...[Mickey starts pawing at Angela’s legs..]A: Awwwwww!!! Who’s this little guy?! You never said about having a dog!!Jk: Oh. This is Mickey.A: HELLO MICKEY!!! [Bends over to start patting Mickey’s head. Jungkook breathes in suddenly, shooting his head in the other direction.Jk: Ok you don’t need to rub them in my face.A: Sorry?Jk: [Jungshook.] I- I mean... You don’t have to rub it in my face, Mickey... [Turns to Angela.] He seems to prefer you to me, yet who has to walk him every day?A: I’m sure he loves you really, just doesn’t like showing affection.Jk: [In his head.] Yeah, he’s being over affectionate to you because you’re the one with the mother fucking, big-A: What are you looking at?[Jungkook catches himself looking at them again as she says that. He follows the necklace back up to find that her blue eyes were now clouded over in annoyance.]Jk: [In his head.] Shit! JK, play it off!!! Change the subject!!! CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!!![Out loud.] W-what’s it like being a Christian?A: Oh you know, it’s just a normal life to me... Just like staring at breasts is an everyday activity for the sexually inactive teenager.Jk: I was quite obvious wasn’t I...A: Yeah, just a bit.Jk: [Rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.] I-I’m sorry. I don’t really know what to say about that.A: Forget it, I’ll just stare at your bulge for the next hour.Jk: Out of interest, is it impressive?A: It’s nothing compared to my friends’.Jk: Are they “friends with benefits” then?A: I wish.[Jk raises an eyebrow, a bunny smirk appearing on his lips. The corners of Angela’s mouth turn up too, little dimples appearing.]Jk: You’re just the same in real life as online.A: So are you; I think you got shot at least five time during this conversation.Jk: I never get shot!A: Liar.Jk: You cheat!A: LIAR!Jk: Right, well after this meet-up thing we’re logging on and I’m going to slay you.A: If you aren’t sniped while looking at my avatar’s brassiere.SCENE 3:[We’re back in Namjoon and Taehyung’s flat, which at this current time is chaotic. Joonie can be seen running in and out from the hallway, grabbing cardboard boxes and shoving them onto the floor by the coffee table. Equally, Taehyung is darting about half-dressed, shouting: “where is it?!” Or “I’ve got work in fifteen minutes!!”In the centre of the chaos, in his natural habitat of the sofa, is Yoongi. He isn’t asleep this time, but is eating snacks and watching his dongsaengs struggle.]T: THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!!Y: What is?T: I can’t find my belt anywhere!Y: Just go to work without it.T: MY TROUSERS WILL FALL DOWN!Y: Exactly.N: [Snapping.] Taehyung, we have bigger problems than your belt right now: I ordered blue and purple banners but I’ve got brown ones.[There’s a pause. Yoongi and Taehyung give Namjoon a judging look.]...I ORDERED BLUE AND PURPLE!Y: Jimin isn’t going to care about what decorations you use. To be honest all you need is Booze and a drug dealer for a party.N: NO! Alcohol will NOT be on the premises. Vomiting is still a touchy subject after the Toad in the hole!!T: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BELT?!Y: And while everyone is hurling in your bathrooms, I’m going to be sitting in my chair, drinking a nice big glass of wine...N: SHIT! I FORGOT TO GET LAP DANCERS!!!!!T: [Dropping the pillows he picked up while searching.] WHAT?!Y: So you won’t have alcohol, just a bunch of women to make Jungkook’s cock go stiff.T: Hyung, Jungkook’s cock hasn’t relaxed since Jimin himself arrived...N: Taehyung, you’re up.T: EXCUSE ME?! DO I LOOK LIKE A LAP DANCER?!Y: You look like the three course meal to go with my wine later.N: This is a disaster...T: Look, I’m glad you finally came to your senses about your sexuality, but-N: I’M STRAIGHT! I’M STRAIGHT! I’M STRAIGHT!T: THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME TO LAP DANCE FOR YOU?!Y: JESUS CHRIST JOON! NOBODY CARES WHICHEVER WAY YOU BEND, JUST ADMIT YOU BEND!H: WHAT IS EVERYONE SHOUTING ABOUT?![They all turn to the door way to see Hoseok stood there, holding a hand full of Blue and Purple bunting.]T: THEY WANT ME TO LAP DANCE!H: TELL ME SOMETHING NEW!N: [Smiling appreciatively.] Hobi hyung... W-where did you find that?H: [Clearing his throat.] Well, if you had checked the packaging before opening that up, you would have seen that package was meant for Mrs Choi downstairs. Your parcels got mixed up.[He turns to Taehyung.]And don’t worry, I called up a few of my friends this morning. I knew Joon would forget to do that.Y: Is this your porn movie mates?[Hobi cringed at the word.]H: I honestly give up. Yes, shout it to the world if you have to.N: Jung Hoseok.... [He walks over to Hobi, placing a hand on his shoulder.]Jung Hoseok... You... You’re a smart and beautiful man.Y/T: Totally gay.N: I’MMMM NOOOOOOTTT!!!!!!Y: You are and while you work out the truth, I’m going to check on Jin and the cake.T: [Holding up the old bunting]. Who the fuck orders brown?SCENE 4:[Jin is stood in his kitchen, finishing off the details on Jimin’s cake. The entire thing is made of milk chocolate, and Jin is currently writing the words “welcome Jiminie” in white chocolate. Yoongi enters the apartment, checking no one followed him into the hallway before speaking.]Y: Did you do it?J: It was the first ingredient I added in.Y: Good man.J: But it would be a waste of cake to contaminate it all so I made him a separate slice. [Points to a plate to the side of the larger cake.]Y: Because there is nothing suspicious about that, is there?J: Ummm-Y: Jin hyung I think your last brain cell is embedded in that cake mixture. And what flavour is this... Chocolate?!J: People eat chilli with chocolate so I thought that would cover our tracks a bit...Y: No normal person eats chilli and chocolate flavourings.J: I do.Y: Exactly, no normal person eats chilli and chocolate together!J: [Holding out a fork.] Do you want to try some of it?Y: Why the fuck would I do that? To intentionally set my tonsils on fire?!J: Good point... Where’s Jungkook?Y: On a date.J: [Eyes go wide.] WHAT?! REALLY?![Yoongi nods his head.]He’s finally growing up...Y: Wouldn’t be too sure about that. It’s one of his gaming friends.J: What’s wrong with having gaming friends?[Yoongi and Jin stare at each other for a few seconds.]Y: I should have stopped questioning you when Chilli and Chocolate appeared in the same sentence.J: To be fair... I don’t eat pure chocolate, just the flavourings of Chilli and Chocolate toget-Y: Every sound you are producing is making me judge you more.J: Ok. I’ll stop then.Y: Thank you.[Theres an awkward moment of silence. A tumble weed can almost be seen travelling across the set.]J: ...I’m just going to go and put this in the other room if that’s ok with you.Y: Don’t come back.SCENE 5:[We’re back to Hobi’s apartment. Jungkook and Angela are sitting cross-legged on the floor, the coffee table between them. On the floor by the bin is a pile of empty cans; the pair of them, being too lazy to get up, had been throwing them across the room to see who could get closest. Right now, Jungkook is sorting through a pile of DVD’s.]Jk: So what sort of movies to you like watching?A: I kind of vary on genres a lot. What about you?Jk: Same, but there’s one film that I love more than anything.A: Is it S-Booby-Doo?Jk: Oh my God can you just drop it already!!A: No! You made today go tits-up in the first five seconds.Jk: [Thinning lips.] I already said I was sorry!!! Look, just pick a movie...A: OOOH! TITANIC! Now that’s my favourite...[Jungkook’s expression softens and a little smile appears again.]What?Jk: That was what I was going to say.A: Huh?Jk: My favourite movie; it’s Titanic.A: Shut up! I bet it’s something lame like Iron man or the Avengers.Jk: [To himself, quietly.] What’s lame about that...A: Let’s watch Titanic then!Jk: Ok... Let me just set the disc up.[Jungkook grabs the remote and stares at the weird buttons on Hoseok’s remote. He starts pressing things that he believes may open the disc draw, completely failing and resetting the whole system.]Jk: Oh.A: People will think you’ve never used your T.V. before...Jk: I haven’t.A: Excuse me?Jk: I mean... I-it’s a n-new T.V... I ordered it from... Amazon prime???A: Right... While you’re sorting things out, I’m going to use your bathroom. Where is it?Jk: [In his head.] Shit... I literally just used it! WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER WHERE IT IS?![Out loud.] HAHAHAHAHA! Angela! My apartment isn’t the Tardis... Use your gaming instincts you say you have...A: O-K....[As Angela goes looking for the bathroom, Jungkook fiddles with the T.V. for a bit, eventually finding the right button. The disc drawer opens the same time that the front door does.]T: JEON JUNGKOOK YOU ARE DEAD MEAT!!!Jk: What????T: I’M LATE FOR WORK AND IT TURNS OUT YOU’RE MY BELT STEALER!!!Jk: [Putting out his arms to defend himself from Taehyung’s attack.] H-HYUNG! STOP! I JUST BORROWED IT!T: AND MADE ME 30 MINUTES LATE!Jk: Why didn’t you go without it?T: BECAUSE THEN YOONGI WOULD FINALLY GET WHAT HE WANTS!!Jk: To turn into a rock?T: TO SEE MY ARSE!A: [Exiting the bathroom on her phone.] Jungkook, I’m really sorry but a colleague didn’t turn up for work and-[Just as the looks up she see’s Taehyung ripping the belt off Jungkook’s trousers.]T: Jeon Jungkook, when I’m back from work... The whiplash will be so bad that... Nevermind! Just realise Joon seeing Jimin’s cock will seem a pleasure!Jk: It was a pleasure-A: Taehyung-ah?![Taehyung and Jungkook look beside them to see Angela stood there. Taehyung’s Jaw drops.]Jk: D-did you just call him-T: Noona!!! What are you doing here?... [Turns to Jungkook.] Wait... ANGELA IS YOUR DATE?! [Turns back to Angela with a mortified expression.] JUNGKOOK IS THE GUY FROM YOUR COLLEGE?!A: What?! No! Jungkook and I are online friends... FRIENDS!!!!T: That’s not what he told me! He told me he was on a date with someone today!A: I-beg-your-pardon???[The two of them turn to see Jungkook slowly backing out of the room. He freezes, rubbing the back of his neck with a nervous laugh.]A: You said we should meet up, you said NOTHING about this being a date...Jk: I said “Meet up” presuming you knew that meant “meet up, meet up!”T: Don’t worry. He told me we should “watch Netflix and chill” one night.Jk: Which we did, hyung.T: We did nothing close.A: [Eyebrows furrowing, voice softening.] Jungkook... Did you really think this was a date?Jk: I.... Let’s watch this movie.....A: Jungkook...Jk: [Pressing the close button.] It’s just loading...A: JUNGKOOK!Jk: [Jumping or of his skin.] Y-Yes?A: Did you think this was a date?Jk: Kinda...[At that moment, some music starts playing in the background as the DVD loads. We expect it to be “My Heart Will Go On,” but we get some sort of polka tune instead. All three of them turn to the screen just as it goes dark and the film starts.]T: What... The... Fuck????[The lights go up and we see two individuals crammed into a small cage, which is jolting vigorously under their movements.]T: Oh my god... JUNGKOOK!?[Jungkook in panic tries to find the eject button again, but accidentally pressed the fast forward button. All of a sudden, Angela’s breast size were no longer a problem; quick flashes of things Jungkook’s mind couldn’t even imagine came on screen. He presses play to stop it winding on so quickly. There’s now a sexy doctor woman leaning against her desk.]A: [Snapping.] Jungkook! Give me the remote while it’s tame![A woman’s voice comes out of the T.V. As Angela struggles with the buttons.]W: Your diastolic measurement is normal, why are you here?“To get what wasn’t finished.”[Taehyung and Jungkook exchange glances as they hear the familiar voice of a guy pipe up.]T: No...Jk: C-could it be?[A younger Hoseok appears on the screen. He’s smirking at the woman doctor in a seductive way, running his tongue along his bottom lip.]T: [Smacking Jungkook’s arm and sitting down.] GET MORE SNACKS! GET MORE SNACKS!Jk: I’M GOING!A: I can’t believe this I-T: SHHHH! SHE’S UNDOING HIS SHIRT!A: TAE! Oh my! [Scrunches up her face and inspects the scene more closely.] Hold on, isn’t that... That’s the guy who...Jk: I HAVE CAKE!!!![Enters the room carrying a plate of cake. Jin comes running in a few seconds later.]J: JUNGKOOK, YOU BRAT, GIVE THAT HERE!Jk: NO! LEAVE US ALONE! WE’RE WATCHING HOSEOK PORN!!!J: Oh, Hoseok porn? Why didn’t you say that in the first place? [Sits down next to Taehyung.]Jk: Angela, here. To say sorry...[He passes her the plate. Jin, being so engrossed in Hoseok’s actions, forgets that the two of them still have the slice of cake. Angela takes a fork and goes to take her bite.]J: [Realising.] LADY! NO![Angela starts choking and her face goes red as she takes the full blow of spice.]A: J-ESUS C-HRIST! A-ARE Y-Y-OU TRYING TO P-P-OISON ME!? HOT! AGH! HOOOOOTTT!!!!T: Tell me about it... [Nodding at approval at the naked couple.]Jk: JIN?! WHAT THE HELL!J: At least I know I put enough in...A: M-MILK!!! GET ME MILK!!!Jk: W-would it be a bad time to make a joke about how you probs have a good supply of that already cos-A: YES!Jk: I’ll get the milk...W: Was that everything you’ve been wanting, Ron?T: [To Jin.] Why Ron? Of all names...H: It was everything and more, Belinda... Now let’s take this operation to a new level...T: Ooooh spicy!![The scene fades with Jin and Taehyung glued to the T.V. screen, and Jk helplessly watching Angela struggle with the heat.]SCENE 6:Jk: [Scream shouting.] TITANIC! OF ALL THE PLACES YOU COULD HAVE HID THAT DISC!!![All the guys except Joon are his behind the sofa in Taehyung and his apartment. It’s completely dark as they wait for Jimin to be bought in and to jump out as a surprise. Although unnoticed in the low lighting, the colour from Hoseok’s cheeks has disappeared.]T: Yoongi, you are sitting right on top of me...Y: Who said that wasn’t intentional?H: I’m sorry, Jungkook! I was trying to hard to hide that thing from gay fuckers in their twenties who want to watch their friends strip down to their panties!J: The acting could have been better...T: But the content was on point.H: [Flustered.] Thanks, I’m glad I have friends that can be so honest to me...T: [To Yoongi.] HYUNG, THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT![The door opens up and the lights switch on. All the members jump up and shout surprise on queue. Namjoon is stood in the doorway on his own.]Jk: Where’s Jimin?J: Evidently not here, dumb ass!![Namjoon walks into the room and crashes onto the sofa. He looks crest-fallen as he chucks his keys onto the coffee table. The members all come round to support him.]H: Hey, hey! Joon!T: Why you sad?N: [Sighing.] I don’t know...J: Nan molla...[All of them glare at Jin.]Sorry.Y: Some day that will be as overused as the “You got know jams” joke.N: I guess... I just expected him to come, you know. He dropped off his stuff this afternoon at Hobi hyung’s. I told him to meet me outside the restaurant at 6. Half an hour later and...H: Kind of worse than your date’s timing, Jk.Jk: [Shaking his head.] Tell me about it.N: [Looking at his friend in concern.] Did it not go well?Jk: Understatement, hyung.T: It probably would have gone better if she knew it was a date, Jungkook-ah.Y: Well being explicit got me no where so don’t quote Taehyung on that.T: I’m sorry, hyung. You just aren’t my type...Y: I’ll learn to move on.Jk: It was a complete disaster! She now thinks I’m some sexually immature twat...J: But you are.Jk: She probably thinks Taehyung was about to sexually harass me... And Jin nearly killed her.J: True, but she wasn’t the target.N: I think at the end of the day, if she likes you enough, she’ll let whatever happens slide and just be grateful for the time you spent together today.Jm: I’ll quote Joon on that.[All the members shoot their heads around to see a little mochi’s head pop up up from behind the sofa, waving his little hands jazz-hand style.]Jm: [With a laugh.] Surprise!!All: JIMIN!!!!!Jm: Hi... Sorry I’m late to my own party. I got caught up with something I had to deal with...N: How did you even know where to come?!Jm: Honestly I didn’t, but if you weren’t at the restaurant I presumed you would be at home as that’s the logical thing... Right?T: No, the logical thing is to go to the surgery and get what you want finishing. Isn’t that right, hyung? [nudging Hoseok.]H: I’ve said this enough today, but I give up! I 100% GIVE UP!Y: Same...T: So you won’t bother me anymore?Y: No, I was talking about life...Jm: Well... I have something to cheer up everyone’s moods... [Jimin holds up a box of lager cans.]If that’s ok with Joon and Taehyung??[Taehyung looks at Joon for approval and Namjoon shrugs his shoulders.]N: We got to do something while we wait for these lap dancers.Jm/Jk: LAP DANCERS?!H: Don’t tell them you’ve watched the film... Please...Jk: [Diving straight into Jimin’s box... Honestly this script makes everything sound dodgy.] Time to drink away any memories of that horrific morning...Jm: And I’m ready to experience something spicy...[Yoongi and Jin raise their eyebrows at each other.]J: If only you said that earlier.[The scene ends with these 7 chaotic individuals getting ready to party- The drinking line downing their first can, Jin and Taehyung teasing Hoseok about his film, Namjoon making sure everyone has a wooden coaster for their drinks. As all this happens, the lights slowly fade. The last thing we get to see is their 7 smiling faces.] End of episode.
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방.탄.친.구// EPISODE 3Yoongi’s Birthday Bash Up. [The alarm goes off in Taehyung’s room and he lets out a large groan, clutching his forehead as his headache makes the room swirl around him. He’s unable to open his eyes as the daylight coming through the blinds is already burning into his eyelids.] T: Fuck... How much did I drink last night? Y: I blame Jimin... T: Oh. Morning Yoongi... [His eyes burst open and he shoots his head to look beside him. He finds himself looking at a naked Min Yoongi, head buried under Taehyung’s pillow, one wrist handcuffed to the bed railings.] AHHHHHHHHHH! Y: OW! KEEP THE RACKET DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!!! T: D-did we... D-did I-I???? Y: [Yawning.] Dunno- where’s my birthday present? T: What?! Y: It’s my birthday. Did you forget that quickly? T: No, but- WHY IS THAT ALL THAT CONCERNS YOU?! Y: [Head still buried in the pillow.] Are you going to un-cuff me yet-? T: YOONGI!!! Y: Ok, ok... It’s cool, I’ll stay here as long as you need me too but... I kinda need to pee... T: Don’t you dare mess the bed. Y: Well by the context of this situation I’m guessing a little piss won’t disrupt the mess that is probably all over your- T: Please just stop talking!!!! [There’s a silent pause as Taehyung covers himself with a bathrobe, pacing the room.] Y: Taehyung... T: Shhh! Y: Taehyung- T: SHHHHH! Y: But Tae- T: I’M TRYING TO THINK! Y: And I’ve done something more valuable and consulted my body! T: What are you going on about?! Y: My groin’s sore. T: You’re that desperate to go to the loo that your groin is hurting? Y: NO! Oh my God, Taehyung! It hurts as in... [He made a whistling sound and tried to do the actions with his hands, which kind of failed with him chained up.] T: Fucking hell... Y: Quite literally. Didn’t know you were the bad boy type, Taehyung. Didn’t know you’d be into such restrictions. T: [Sarcastically.] Well I’m sorry disappoint you. Y: [Flirtatious look.] Who said I’m disappointed? T: UGHHHH! For crying out loud! Y: What now? Maybe I just ate Jin’s cake and have really spicy urine stored up. T: My groin hurts too. Y: ... Ok we BOTH were idiots and ate Jin’s cake. [He emerges from the covers and Taehyung lets out a little noise, tensing up.] For goodness sake, Taehyung. I know that your usually used to someone who has a little more cleavage, but there is nothing about my body that should make you feel uncomfort... What are you actually staring at? T: Does your arse hurt too? Y: Why? T: You may or may not have a little bit of whiplash... Y: [Eyebrows arch.] Well at least Taeyong’s sister will approve. SCENE 2 [Scene 2 starts where we left off in episode 2; Bangtan are all in Namjoon and Taehyung’s apartment. Jimin has just arrived with the with the lager, which Jungkook is already rummaging through.] Jk: Time to drink away any memories of that horrific morning... Jm: And I’m ready to experience something spicy... [Yoongi and Jin raise their eyebrows at each other.] J: If only you said that earlier. Jm: [Sarcastically.] Why? Did you have a chilli and chocolate welcoming cake or something? [The two eldest gulp.] J: Out of interest, where does your opinion stand with Chilli and chocolate? Jm: It’s great- Y: [Under his breath.] Ok well that’s my opinion on you decided. J/Jm: Huh? [Yoongi blinks at them both as they speak in unison and turn their heads at the same time.] Y: Didn’t think I’d spend my birthday night watching the Shining... [Everyone stops what they are doing and turns to Yoongi. In the space of a second, the room has been silenced to a pin drop, well, it takes another few for Jungkook to snap back from his alcoholic heaven. But once he realises, the room is silent, he becomes the sixth pair of eyes to be on the man.] Y: Why have I suddenly got all your attention? N: Did you just say... It’s your birthday night? Y: No... H: As in, your birthday is tomorrow?? Y: No. T: [Turning to Jin.] Hyung what day is it today? Y: 2nd Decem- J: 8th March. N: IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY TOMORROW! Y: NO! IT’S NOT, I SWEAR!!!! N: On the count of three... Y: NOOOOOO! All: 생일 축하합니다 생일 축하- Y: If you finish that, I swear.... All: 사랑하는 윤기씨 생일 축하합니다! [All the guys finish at different times, Taehyung going into some sort of opera version, extending his arm to the ceiling, Namjoon scrunching up his face and screaming as high pitched as he can on the “da.” The only person who sings normally is Jimin, looking around at the others with a startled expression.] Y: Go to hell... All: YAAAAAAAYYY! WOOOOOO! [For some reason it is in Jungkook’s muscle memory to just pick up Yoongi bridal style and carry him out of the apartment. Taehyung runs ahead and flings open the door.] Y: Jungkook, if you do not put me down... Jk: Shhh! It’s your birthday, you’ll ruin it with your voice if you open your mouth... Y: What did you just fucking say?? J: Sorry Jimin, but this is not nearly enough alcohol... I’ll be back in a second, there’s some in our flat!! Y: DO NOT TOUCH THE WINE STASH! I REPEAT, DO NOT TOUCH THE WINE STASH! N: [To Hobi.] Yoongi already looks so happy... Don’t you think? H: I don’t know about happy but he looks something. N: Yeah... I’ll bend a little. T: [Shoots around.] Did you just... N: NO! I’M STRAIGHTTTTT! LEAVE ME ALONE! I JUST GAVE AN OPINION ON LOOKS!!!! IT’S A FREE WORLD, I CAN DO THAT! Jk: Free world?? You tell that to my student debt loan. Y: Please... I’m to old and decrepit for this sort of thing... N: If you’re old and decrepit, what does that make Jin hyung? Y: It doesn’t make anything. He’s a Neanderthal in both lifestyle and looks. T: Ouch... If he was here... J: [Turning up with his arms full of bottles, which he puts in Jimin’s box.] If who was here? Jm: Ahah... No one... T: Nothing... Y: I called you a Neanderthal. Nothing dramatic happened. J: Oh ok... [Walking back to his apartment and taking a second to think.] WAIT! YOU CAN’T SAY THAT TO YOUR HYUNG! Y: Jungkook will be a hyung before you are. Jk: Taehyung, where are we actually going? T: [Leading the party down the street.] To the bar. Y: Well I can walk for myself so put me down. Jk: No way, you’ll do a runner on us. Jm: No he won’t. [Jimin out of no where whips out a pair of handcuffs. He puts one on Yoongi’s wrist and the other on Taehyung, who is walking close by.] T: Wait, wait, wait! Why are you handcuffing me?! Jm: So someone is with him at all times. T: BUT WHY MEEEE?!?!?! Y: [Standing up for himself.] Suddenly my birthday became my favourite time of year. H: Where the fuck did you get those from anyway?! Jm: I’m a police officer. [Jungkook spits out all the lager he just gulped up.] N/JK: Arrest me... [The two of them look at each other.] N: Maybe I’m not as straight as I thought I was... T/Y: FINALLY! SCENE 3 [At this point Taehyung, Jungkook and Yoongi have reached the pub, moving like a herd to the bar. A woman with short sandy hair comes from the side, waiting behind the counter. When Jungkook see’s her he tried hiding himself behind Yoongi, but she’s already seen him.] A: Jungkook? Jk: [quietly to him.] Why did all your height have to go to your hands?! [Out loud.] Um.... H-hello Angela... A: Are you avoiding me after today? Because I said I don’t mind... I mean... At least your friend was hot. H: [Going red.] Thank you... Y: May I just mention, Andria- A: Angela. Y: May I just mention, Alexandra, that things will only go further down south from here. Now I don't know what Jungkook's down south is like, but if it's anything like Taehyung's- T: Kim Jong-un your population just grew by one... A: [Just realising.] Oh, hello Tae!... Why are you handcuffed to-? [At that moment Jimin and Namjoon burst through the doors, having caught up with the other three.] N: So you're a Police Officer? Did you get Seungri banged up? Jm: Honestly, I'll bang Jeongyeon before I ever go near that man. [Both guys turn towards their friends at the bar. Namjoon drops the bag of party poppers he has in his hands.] N: ANGELA?! A: Oh hello Namjoon! Fancy seeing you here! [Turns to Jimin and her smile fades slightly, giving a nonchalant nod.] Jimin... Jm: [Nods back with the same indifference.] Hello Angela. A: How are things with you? You still working on the force? Jm: Of course... I got a promotion about a month back so it's... A lot more busy. A: That's good... [There's an awkward silence in the air, a few people clear their throats to break the silence. [At the same time]N: Does anyone know where my Seokjinnie is? Jm: So you still work here? [Everyone looks at Namjoon and he coughs at the awkwardness. Namjoon shuffles into the shadows behind Yoongi.] [While the conversation continues, whispering.] Hyung, help! This is the British chic!!! Y: Joon, you just took everyone WAYYYY up North. T: [Listening in.] I might as well go and join Hitler in the grave at this point... A: Yes... It pays enough. I'm studying to teach English Literature at the moment... With Namjoon actually. Jm: I see... A: Have you got yourself a girlfriend currently? Jm: I started dating again recently but nobody's caught my eye the way y- Nobody's caught my eye. What about you? A: Yes, I do. Jm: [Surprised.] Y-you do? A: We've been dating two months now. Jk: E-EXCUSE ME?! A: [Looks at Jungkook.] Oh... Sorry, honey. It was three months last week. Gosh I'm so forgetful... Jk: And I'm so forgetful I've forgotten the whole bloody three month period! N: [Looking between them both.] Y-you and J-jungkook?? [Angela nods uncertainly.] [To Jungkook.] T-that d-date today was with Angela? And it wasn't a blind date? Jk: Namjoon I- Y: Backtrack a second. Woman, is there anyone here you haven't had a sexual past with? H: Me. Y: You had your trousers down quicker than Barry fucking Allen in that movie so you can keep you mouth shut. A: You make me sound like a hoe; I dated Jimin for two years and for the past few months Jungkook. I didn't know they knew of each other, let alone that they were friends. [Jungkook notices how pale Namjoon has gone, how defeated he looks.] JK: Hyung- N: No, Jungkook. Why would you keep something like this a secret? I trusted you. Jk: You never even mentioned her name and- A: What's going on? [Namjoon lets out a huge sigh.] N: Ok fine. I like you, Angela. A: [Quietly.] W-what? N: [Laughing.] And I thought I was being too obvious... Turns out I wasn't explicit enough. Jk: Namjoon, I- N: Forget it, Jk. It can't be helped. I'm going to go and find Jin and then... [Turns to Yoongi] Happy birthday, hyung. Y: Cheers. [Namjoon turns and leaves. The others all watch in silence, Jungkook's eyes fall and Jimin bites the insides of his cheek, wavering on the spot.] Jm: I'm going to go after him. [Looks especially at Jungkook and Angela.] But I give you my love and wish you both a happy life together. [Just as Jimin’s about to turn and leave Jin storms through the door in a bright pink feather bower and a tacky children’s tiara.] J: GUESS WHAT BITCHES?! Tae, Yoongi, you better be ready to become Repunzel and Flynn Rider cos I have a feeling we’re going to get TANGLED up in some wild business tonight! [See’s everyone missing.] Where the fuck is Joon and Jimin? T: They went back... J: But... I’VE BEEN PREPARING THAT PUN FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES! Y: Well IF you were here instead of getting your little princess gear on, you would have noticed the situation at the moment is no happy ever after! J: What's the drama? Jungkook, why do you look like you've just had your last ever banana milk? Jk: [Extremely quietly, brushing past Seokjin to the door.] I-I’m going too... A: [Touching his arm.] Jungkook, Wait- Jk: YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH! [The whole bar goes quiet as Jungkook shakes off her arm. He notices everyone staring at him and clears his throat, lowering his tone.] You’ve done enough... [The scene ends with Jungkook walking through the door after Jimin and the five left over exchanging glances. The lights fade.] SCENE 4[Yoongi, Jin, Hobi and Taehyung are in his flat. Namjoon's location is unknown, but his coat and keys have been taken, suggesting he's gone out somewhere. At the current time, Taehyung is perched on the arm of the chair, Yoongi slumped into the chair next to him. Taehyung is using a hair pin to try and pick the lock on his wrist while Jin is lying on the sofa, picking at the pink feathers around his neck. Hoseok is in the kitchen area, trying to open a wine bottle.] J: Taehyung, do you know what you're doing? T: Yes. H: You don't break into people's houses do you? T: No that's Yoongi into my apartment. Y: THAT WAS- One time... T: It's just a party trick. It's came in useful though. When I was eleven, my dad accidentally locked me inside the farm house and I used this paper clip to escape through the side entrance into the field. Y: Because I'm Namjoon and I would casually just have a paper clip on me. T: You just use whatever you have. J: [Pointing at Tae’s hand.] Did you keep hair pins you had during your mullet days or something? T: Haha... Actually my friend Rani came over here a few weeks back and she left a few of them in the bathroom. She hasn't been at work all week so I haven't had the chance to give them back. Y: How do you know so many people? T: Because I don't sit in my apartment all day listening to "Rap God". Y: I'll let that slide as I like you, but for your information, I compose music and I have a job, I'm just self-employed. [There's a sound of popping as Hoseok finally gets the lid off.] H: Right, who wants wine? T: Should we really be celebrating? Y: Obviously. H: I mean... Probably not, but we can't all this go to waste so... T: I'll just have one then. J: Why? There's loads here! T: No, no. It's ok... H: Now I think about it... I don't think I've ever seen you drink more than one at a time. Y: Are you a light-weight? T: You tell me Min-stalking-Yoongi. J: I bet you are. T: No, it's just... [See's Yoongi chucking down his wine.] Hyung, if you do that you'll poison your body. Y: Really? T: Yeah- [Yoongi grabs the bottle Hobi's brought over and starts gulping it down excessively.] J: Relatable... H: A Disney princess shouldn't be thinking suicidal; kids aren't shown such dark themes. J: Well... Somebody clearly hasn't been reading the theories. Y: Sounds like your sort of field, Hobi. Porn and oppressive Disney films. H: I like how everyone decides to forget I’m a doctor; I save lives. Y: If only you could have saved Joon’s arse back there... T: Done it. [His cuff unlocks and he throws the hair pin on the coffee table, jumping up and rubbing his wrist.] Y: Hold on, what about me? T: The hair pins there, help yourself out. Y: Why do I like you again? T: Serious question though. Did anyone else know that Jk’s been dating this chic for so long? Y: Nope. H: No idea... J: [Sitting bolt up upright.] I nearly killed Jk’s partner with spice! T: Wait so you all believe it? Just like that? No questions? This is Jungkook for crying out loud! If you’ve been dating for three months, you’ve done things... And I can’t picture our international playboy, who couldn’t even talk to her properly today, being like that. He’s an art student, not a naked muse. H: He didn’t deny it, Taehyung. T: He didn’t have chance to! Not with all the drama about Namjoon and about Jimin... Did you guys not see that he was as confused as us?! J: Taehyung... Calm down, your shoulders are all tense. T: I’m sorry. It’s just... Too much drama for a third episode. J: [Rubbing his back.] I know... Here, come and sit down and have a drink and forget about it. You’re not working tomorrow so think about that. You have time to relax and just enjoy a drink. T: I’m only having one. J: That’s fine, you only have one then. [A few hours later...] Y: Who’s crappy idea was it to let Taehyung on the alcohol? [Taehyung almost trips over as he stumbles over with yet another bottle. Hoseok catches him last minute.] T: Oooh! Thank you doctor... Oh wow, you’re face... It’s the cure to all my problems... [with a large, drowsy box smile.] H: That’s because when you’re drunk you can’t tell what’s symmetrical or not. My face looks more symmetrical so you think I look prettier. T: I have no clue what you just said but your voice... Can you be my Anpanman? Y: No he can not. Now sit down before you cause more accidents. [Pushing Tahyung onto the sofa.] T: Oooh! There’s strength in this kitty’s hands... I likey, likey, likey... J: [With a confused and weary laugh.] 두근두근두근... T: Jin hyung, are those your shoes or mine over there? J: [More serious.] If you vomit in them... T: No... I just want to... [He leans over and grabs one of them, looking right inside.] HeLLoooooOoooOooOooOOOO?! [He starts laughing like a little child.] Y: What is he doing? J: Looking for the old woman who lives in the shoe??? T: DING! DING! DING! YES HYUNG, PRECISELY! H: How did you even get that? Y: You see, a Neanderthal’s dialect is pretty similar to the dialect of someone with a low capacity for brain cells. T: Don’t you think that’s funny though?! Someone a long time ago invented the rhyme about the old woman in the shoe... What were they on?! It makes no sense! [He laughs again, throwing the shoe across the room.] How could a little woman live in the shoe and who has the imagination to come up with that?! H: People who like you have had too much to drink... Now come on, have some water and let’s get you to bed. T: [Pouting like a child and crossing his arms over.] NO! Y: Taehyungie... Don’t be a naughty boy, do what the nice doctor man says. T: No! J: You can go to sleep to Hobi’s porn fil- T: OK! Y: Bad parenting makes things so easy... H: Don’t make promises you can’t keep! I threw that disc out remember! [Yoongi and Jin exchange glances.] ... It’s gone! Y: We’ll carry on letting you believe that. SCENE 5: [It’s later on in the night and Namjoon is seen unlocking the front door, slipping quietly into the flat. The first thing he notices as he switches the lights on is all the bottles on his kitchen work surface. Then his eyes are drawn to the sofa where he see’s Taehyung fast asleep, remote on the floor from where it had been in his hand, a sick bucket by the sofa just in case his drinking was that serious. Namjoon frowns and closes the door behind him, taking off his jacket and putting his keys on the side. It’s once he’s done this that he hears some sounds, quiet, but still loud enough for him to freeze on the spot. He listens again, hearing the sound of springs bouncing up and down and some groaning noises.] N: What the- [A little bit out of it himself, he makes his way over to Taehyung’s bedroom and flings open the door. Although the camera angle does not let us see in, we get to see the horror on Joon’s face as he stuffs a fist in his mouth, trying not to make noise and wake up Taehyung.] Y: [Poking his head around the door.] Jesus Joon! Knock before you burst in like that on us! N: [Whisper shouting.] Oh I’m sorry! Because you’re fucking someone in MY apartment in TAEHYUNG’S bedroom and it isn’t TAE?! Y: Sorry. We’re nearly done! N: Nearly d- [The door to Taehyung’s room slams shut.] You wouldn’t think I lived here, would you? T: AHHHH! SHIT! [As Yoongi slammed the door, Taehyung stirred from his sleep, turning his head too suddenly that he thumps face first to the floor.] N: That look like it hurt... T: My Shrine!!! My Holy Shrine! N: Sorry if you think I’ll do a Juliet and “smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss” T: I’m drunk don’t go Shakespeare on me. N: [Mumbling.] You started it... T: What do you mean? N: You know, you said “holy shrine” and so... Nevermind. I’m afraid your bedroom is preoccupied, Taehyung... [There’s no response.] Taehyung? [Taehyung is out cold again. Namjoon sighs and heads to his bedroom, shutting the door after him. The camera rolls on to early morning hours. The door to Taehyung’s room is now open. Moaning and groaning, Taehyung wakes up again, dragging himself towards his room and slamming the door shut. He takes all his clothes off and collapses onto his bed. He doesn’t seem to even acknowledge the fact there’s a naked Yoongi there. He just falls fast asleep, leading us back to the present moment.] Y: My groin’s sore. T: You’re that desperate to go to the loo that your groin is hurting? Y: NO! Oh my God, Taehyung! It hurts as in... [He made a whistling sound and tried to do the actions with his hands, which kind of failed with him chained up.] T: Fucking hell... Y: Quite literally. Didn’t know you were the bad boy type, Taehyung. Didn’t know you’d be into such restrictions. T: [Sarcastically.] Well I’m sorry disappoint you. Y: [Flirtatious look.] Who said I’m disappointed? T: UGHHHH! For crying out loud! Y: What now? Maybe I just ate Jin’s cake and have really spicy urine stored up. T: My groin hurts too. Y: ... Ok we BOTH were idiots and ate Jin’s cake. [He emerges from the covers and Taehyung lets out a little noise, tensing up.] For goodness sake Taehyung, I know that your usually used to someone who has a little more cleavage but there is nothing about my body that should make you feel uncomfort... What are you actually staring at? T: Does your arse hurt too? Y: Why? T: You may or may not have a little bit of whiplash... Y: [Eyebrows arch.] Well at least Taeyong’s sister will approve. T: This isn’t funny, Yoongi! This isn’t funny at all!!! If we’ve slept together after all the Namjoon-Jk drama... Y: Oh shit, yeah. I forgot about that. T: Exactly! I just hope that one of us remembers eventually if we did or not. [When Taehyung isn’t looking Yoongi swallows, letting his façade drop to a guilty expression. Taehyung turns back just as he recovers himself.] T: I’m getting a hair pin... And then... You’re getting your butt out of my room. Y: It was nice while the moment lasted. T: Did you already send my travel bag to North Korea already? Thanks hyung... Y: Whatever, just unlock me. T: Fine. [Taehyung grabs a hair pin and starts working on the lock. As he does so, Yoongi stares into his face silently.] Y: Taehyung? T: Mmmm? What? Y: Nothing... T: No, go on. Y: It’s a silly thought really. Nevermind. T: Just say it! Y: Well if we did do it, that means I got my snack to go with my wine, which means my mission is accomplished; I got my birthday surprise... T: You disgust me.... Y: [Wiggling his eyebrows.] And do I care? End of episode.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
방 . 탄 . 친 . 구 // EPISODE 4
Hobi’s Hot Tub
[It’s been a few months since Yoongi’s birthday disruption and it’s now a Sunday in June. The sun is shining brightly and Seoul has been hit with a heat wave. The windows in Jin and Yoongi’s flat are wide open, the breeze making the curtains flutter slightly. Equally, as Jin leans out of the flat’s window, his brown hair appears fluffy in the wind. Yoongi is sitting like a vampire away from the sunshine, his back arching over a stack of paper he’s filing through. Jin makes a little laughing sound at something outside, catching Yoongi’s attention with an intense stare.]
Y: What’s so interesting about the garden?
[Jin turns towards Yoongi and gestures for him to come and have a look. Reluctantly the man gets up and moves over to the window to stare down at Mini and Namjoon in there swimming trunks, having a conversation in the water. Yoongi’s eyes screw up in confusion.]
J: Two bros chillin in a hot tub, five feet apart cos they’re not gay.
Y: [Shrugging his arms.] And?
J: Not gay my arse. It might just be the angle, but Jimin’s eyes are looking somewhere where they shouldn’t right now. The little pervert...
Y: He might just looking for what he’s been missing the past 23 years.
J: No that’s Joon. I can almost hear there voices right now.
Y: Please don’t do a-
J: [Trying to sound like Namjoon.] “Angela was nothing compared to you, Officer Park. I know we’re in the garden right now, but if you want to show me some of your.... Lawn and Order...”
Y: And you threw a joke in there. Weh hay! Excuse me why I go and drown myself in the tub.
J: [Making his voice high pitched.]
“Oh Joon, with your voice and the greenery around us, you’re making me feel all thorny.”
Y: If you don’t fucking stop that I’ll make you leaf the apartment.
[Jin almost pouts as the shuts the window and moves away from it. His hands come to fold under his arms in a huff.]
Seriously, you’re more of a child that Jk at the moment. In the last month, he’s actually learnt to grow up, bud off and blossom into a new guy-
J: [Grumbling.] Now who needs to leaf the puns alone.
Y: Let me finish, Jin! [He takes a step closer to his hyung, patting him on the shoulder.] I think I know what’s wrong.
J: What?
Y: You’re lonely.
J: Excuse me?
Y: It makes so much sense!! Joon was your best friend before Mini came along. It’s not that you don’t like him, you do. That’s what the problem is. You like him a lot, and that makes it harder for you. And now Jk’s got Angela so you can’t turn to him anymore... And Hobi is busy with work, and so is my Taehyung-
J: Taehyung isn’t your “my” anything unless it’s “delusional dream”.
Y: [Ignoring him.] That just leaves you. I know we haven’t seen eye to eye in the years we’ve shared an apartment together...
J: Where are you going with this? You aren’t going to start stalking me are you?
Y: No. I got bored of stalking you within a week of meeting.
J: Sorry?!
Y: [Ignoring him still.] I know we haven’t seen eye to eye, but perhaps we should spend some time getting to know each other... Bonding time...
J: [Eyes narrowing in suspicion.]
You’re still trying to work out who you were fucking that night, aren’t you? It wasn’t me.
Y: [Wiping his brow.] Thank the lord.
J: Tuesday maybe.
Y: [Shooting a look of confusion.] Huh?
J: For our bonding session?
Y: O-oh... I just realised... Haha... Stupid Yoongi... I h-have to practice for the Daegu R-rap Rodeo all this week... Oh dear... M-maybe try Namjoon????
J: [Shaking his head disapprovingly.] You’re such a seedy prick.
Y: Stop throwing Garden puns at me and perhaps I’ll allot some time for you in my schedule in the next thousand years.
SCENE 2
[We join Minjoon down in Hobi and Mini’s garden, relaxing in the hot tub on the spring day. Mini has his sunglasses on, head resting against the side stretch out his neck. His Adam’s apple appears prominent under the glowing surface of his pale skin. He sprawls himself out, taking up a lot of the room while Joon perches nervously in the corner, quite like an innocent little bird. However, there is nothing small or innocent about this man.]
Jm: Do Hoseok and I really own this garden bit? He said he’s a junior doctor; they get paid nothing. How did he find the money for a hot tub, a piece of land....?
N: He had money once. When I first met him a few years back, I thought it was rich parents. But, as we all know now, where he was getting his money was anything but what his mum and dad would approve of.
[Namjoon picks a cocktail up which is resting on the side of the tub by him, taking a little sip.]
Jm: I got scouted for porn once, to be fair.
[Namjoon’s cocktail now intermingles with the tub water.]
No, no! I didn’t do it, Joon! Police officer remember, I’ve got to keep my record clean!
[Mini’s cheeks turn a tinge of pink as he gives a small smile, picking up his drink.]
It’s kinda nice they wanted me though. I always thought I looked like a frog.
N: [Under his breath.] If that’s the case, your girlfriends’ kissed you like a princess.
Jm: [Overhearing his comment and covering his face with his tiny hands.] Stoooop... I could have dropped my-
N: [Eyebrows quirking.] Croissant?
Jm: [Giggling.] Cocktail... I’m guessing your a vine guy too then.
N: Jin hyung and I used to watch vines all the time together.
Jm: Used to?
[There’s a change of mood. The sky darkens slightly as a cloud comes to cover over the sun, plummeting the two into a a slightly blue filter. Joon frowns, propping himself up more in the hot tub.]
N: Yes, used to. Jin and I are... In a awkward situation at the moment.
Jm: Why? What’s happened?
N: Jin was my close friend and Jin’s other close friend was Jk. He’s always taken it upon himself to tease Jk badly, but also defend him, sort of be that parenting figure away from home.
[Joon sighs.]
He got really defensive over Jk and Angela, which made us sort of... diverge in the past few weeks.
Jm: [Nodding with an understanding frown.] I know it’s upsetting for you to see. I can relate a lot to what you’re feeling right now, after all, she’s my ex.
N: Who broke up with who if you mind me asking?
Jm: Her with me. She just stopped messaging me one day. I had to go over to see what was happening and here we are.
N: Sounds bitchy to me.
Jm: It is from a sideline, but it wasn’t just me she isolated herself from. It was everyone she knew. Her dad had just died and she partially blamed herself for it. He died of lung cancer. I can understand how his death had that effect; I blamed myself when my own dad died too. Anyway, Angela would watch her take drag after drag on tobacco. Her sister tried to stop him, ended up falling out with the family and moving out. Angela saw her dad’s habit as his own choice and for family’s sake didn’t try questioning it.
N: [Awkwardly sipping again.] Ok not so bitchy then.
Jm: I guess, she broke up with me because she didn’t feel like she deserved anyone. I remember before I left her apartment for the last time, she turned to me and asked: “do you think I’m an annoying bitch?” And I remember thinking “yes.”
N: Well I guess honesty is the best policy...
Jm: [Taking off his sunglasses and making eye contact with Joon.] She’s an annoying bitch and always has been. I think the instability in her family lead to her trying to seek attention. When she first met me and my mates, she wouldn’t leave us alone, following around, flirting constantly. I hated her. But then...
N: Go on.
Jm: I found out my friends were using me. They didn’t care about me, at all. And that was when I realised that Angela does, in fact, care. While people were laughing, she turned up to all my dance classes (my hobby at the time). She cheered me on like the slutty idiot she is and we became friends, just friends. I learnt over that next year she was actually quite thoughtful. For Christmas, she bought me this pair of sunglasses amongst other things and she said, and I’ll quote this: “Some people seem to get all sunshine, and some all shadow.”
N: That’s a quote from Little Women.
Jm: [Eyes widening.] Really?! The little bitch told me she made it up.
[He shakes his head before continuing.]
So she said: “Some people seem to get all sunshine, and some all shadow.” And that from then on, every time I met up with her, I had to wear these sunglasses because she was one of those people who lived in the shadow and wasn’t used to the amount of light that reflects off my... eyes...
[Mini’s face goes completely red as he finished relaying the story.]
N: [Quietly.] That’s the Angela from my lectures.
Jm: [Nodding.] Yeah. She’s a lying, slutty little cow but she has a sweet mind hidden in there somewhere... Or did. I don’t know now. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her. I just hope Jk likes her because he got to know the Angela I knew, not the outside shell... Oh well, there’s nothing we can do about it now.
N: [Sounding jealous.] Mmmm....
Jm: [Putting his hand out to mine holding a skull like Shakespeare would.] “Oh beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”
N: I appreciate the effort, Jimin. But, it doesn’t change the fact that green-eyed monster is Jeon Jungkook and the meat it feeds on is a lot of breast, which people his age shouldn’t be given.
Jm: [Getting out off the hot tub and grabbing a towel from the patio.] Joon?
N: Yeah?
Jm: There’s a finer cut of titties lying no further than that hot tub.
[Namjoon looks down at himself in confusion, only looking up again to see the back of Jimin’s toned thighs padding through the entrance to the building, cheeks raised as if he was smirking to himself.]
SCENE 3
[We’re in the hallway to the apartment building and see Jungkook descending the stair case in a bit of a hurry. He’s wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve, looking paler than Yoongi- hard to imagine, I know. At the same time, Namjoon passes down the hallway in his swimming trunks, towel hanging off his shoulders as he moves to the staircase. They freeze as they meet each other in an awkward silence, Jungkook trying to step left while Namjoon takes the same direction. This happens a few times before they give up with a sigh.]
Jk: [Nervously, trying to hide his tearful face.] L-lovely weather we’re having... I-isn’t it?
N: [Leering] Of all the conversation starters you could have used, you picked the most stereotypically British one.
Jk: Don’t even go their Joon...
[Jungkook shakes his head, turning so that Joon could properly see the redness in his eyes. Amongst he looks helplessly tired. Joon tries to hide the frown appearing by rolling his eyes.]
N: What’s the matter with you? Have a falling out with Angela?
Jk: For fuck’s sake, hyung. I told you this, Jin told you this, she was lying. I hadn’t even met her before that day in real life. We are gaming buddies, well, WERE gaming buddies. That girl has a more explosive personality than Junkrat...
N: Ok fine. Angela is a flirt. We all know that. However, Mini was just telling me her background story...
Jk: Mini? So it’s at THAT stage?
N: [A little to quickly.] Straight.
Anyway, my point is, maybe Angela is a bit of a psychopath after everything that’s happened to her. Maybe she can’t control it. But you, you could have told me sooner it wasn’t true. Jeon Jungkook, you are in control of yourself.
Jk: Tell that to my loose bowels after that Toad in the hell.
N: I followed the recipe, that’s all you can ask from me.
Jk: No, I can ask from you to stay the fuck away from a kitchen in the first
N: If you didn’t like her, why didn’t you just say. It’s fucking June now and we’ve barely spoken even in the hallway. I’ve noticed my cereal boxes aren’t going down as fast either.
Jk: I couldn’t be bothered with any of this shit. I had work to do, projects to finish...
N: That isn’t an excuse.
Jk: [Almost snapping.] Ok. Fine. I was being a coward.
[Namjoon raises an eyebrow in surprise.]
N: Jeon Jungkook being a coward?
Jk: [Sighing.] Yes. You’re fucking scary when you’re angry. You make me shit my pants worse than that snake at the zoo made Hobi soil his.
[Namjoon sniggers to himself Jk’s words, which catalyses Jungkook’s own bunny smile to appear. They realise what’s happening between them both and frown again, going back to that initial state of awkwardness. Jungkook sighs after a few moment, rubbing his tired eyes.]
N: If you’re not with Angela, what are you crying about? You look terrible...
Jk: Thanks for that, hyung.
N: No, seriously, are you alright? There’s something else going on, isn’t there?
JK: It’s not important- But, where does this go from here hyung? You and me I mean.
N: [Rubbing the back of his neck.] Honestly, you’re so young and inexperienced, all I can do is believe you. I overreacted anyway. I admit it, I liked her, but it was someone that wasn’t there I liked. Mini blames it on an all that was going on which broke them up, but part of me feels like that still isn’t true, that he’s hiding something from all of us still...
Jk: He’s a mysterious man. I got to admit. I can see why he has you under his spell.
N: Just shut up-
Jk: But seriously. I’m fucking fuming with Angela and even if she has Mini under her control too then looks like I’m going to have to deal with her.
N: [A little surprised.] Jk, what are you talking about? You’re not going to do anything stupid are y-
Jk:[Ignoring his hyung.] Jimin told me the background story too and even so, she’s still a bitch who will spread her legs for any puppy she can lap up. She had Mini, she had you, she had me... And I don’t like the fact someone we knew five minutes could impact us all like that. It’s been months and we all haven’t spoken properly to each other.
N: True but Taehyung isn’t even capable of speaking properly. [Joking. Love you Tae!]
Jk: Ouch... That is harsh.
N: [Shrugging.] The truth hurts sometimes.
[Jk looks back behind him towards the apartments before returning to his hyung.]
Jk: D-do you by any chance want to have lunch with me? My treat?
[Joon thinks about it a second, the tension in his jaw as he pouts while thinking.]
N: Sounds fancy. Go on then.
Jk: Can’t get fancier than watching Ronald McDonald sitting little kids on his knee with an evil clown grin.
N: Definitely. Got to love Maccy D.
Jk: Besides, it’s just been monopoly season. A student’s life gets no better than using the their free McFlurry stickers.
N: [Laughing and touching his shoulder to get past.] Ok let me just go and get changed into something more appropriate.
Jk: Nah... I think good old Ronald would prefer bouncing you on his knee like that.
SCENE 4
[Jin must have gone into his room for a bit for we start this scene with Jin entering the main living area, carrying what seems to be some carrier bags with old junk he is getting rid of. He pays little attention to Yoongi as he stacks the bags by the door to take out later. While this is happening, the younger is at the coffee table, evidently craning his neck over some work. Once Jin has put down all the bags, he pays more attention to what is going on, moving a few paces into the room with his hands shoved in his pockets, craning his head in the same way to try and read what Yoongi is writing.]
J: What are you doing?
Y: Writing.
J: Writing what?
Y: Words.
H: [Sighing.] I know that! But what is this piece of paper for?
Y: [Putting the pen down.] If you must know, I’m doing Namjoon’s assignment. It’s due tomorrow, so if you would just leave me alone for one second.
J: Why are you completing Joon’s homework? Do you know anything about literature? Did you even ask to do it?
Y: No.
J: [Screwing up his eyes.] Yoongi, you’ve confused me.
Y: Like that isn’t easy to do. I thought it’ll be funny, ok? Look at my first answer.
[He shuffles the papers around and clears his throat in his fist.]
“If performing this piece, how you you act the part of Iago.” And I put: “Bent.”
J: Joon can’t act though.
Y: Exactly.
[Jin rolls his eyes and moves over to the window, looking down at Hobi and Jimin’s garden. His eyebrows raise when he finds himself staring at an empty tub.]
J: Well, Jimin took being a fish out of water on a literal level too.
Y: Nah. The real fish is YG; all those years he was squatting in that office.
[Yoongi is prompted to get up and join Jin again, noticing the irritation in the older man’s glance.]
You need to get over what you have wrong with that man.
J: It’s not just Jimin, I’m angry with Namjoon as well; you know we had that argument.
Y: Yeah, but it’s mainly because of the cop, admit it
J: COME ON, YOONGI! He’s all like: “hi I’m Jimin. I’m going to give you the marshmallow cheeks and wave my tiny hands around- totally measuring them up to see how easily they fit around Namjoon’s Cock-“
Y: Geez... Why have you been spying on them from your bathroom? Is your name agent James Wand? You enjoy watching Jimin enforce things?
[Yoongi stops teasing when he notices Jin staring at the empty tub below them.]
You’re not even listening to me, are you?
J: Nope.
Y: You’re considering becoming one of the gay fuckers and jumping in there for when they get back-
J: [Suddenly.] It’s not becoming a gay fucker if your name’s James Wand.
Y: [Smirking.] That’s right. Happy pride month. Show Sunmi who’s the real pride queen. And while you do that, I’ve got more of Joon’s essays to fuck up.
J: You not going to come then?
Y: No.
J: Come on... We’ll be over 10 feet apart- and the distance is even longer for you cos your short sooo...
Y: I presume this is my turn to say how I would “rather jump in with YG?”
J: I’m going to presume that as a joke. If you said that I would lose all the respect there is between us.
Y: What respect?
?: WAHOO!
[Yoongi and Jin exchange looks before peering over the ledge into the hot tub- a wet, tanned, boxy-smiling man popping up in a pair of blue trunks, shaking the excess water out of his fringe. Taehyung looks up and locks eyes with Jin at the window.]
T: Hyung! Come and join me! Where’s Yoongi hyung?
[Jin turns to exchange looks with his dongsaeng, but finds himself staring at the white framing of the window, the ramming sound of feet pounding down the flights of stairs and echoing through an open door. Jin turns back to Taehyung with a smirk on his face.]
J: I think Yoongi’s about to throw a pride party with you.
SCENE 5
[The camera panels across the Seoul’s skyline before zooming in on a particular street. We see cars pass by a drive-through place, the giant yellow “M” stood outside the building. The camera makes no pit-stop, zooming in on the interior to focus on a long line of people by the counters. At the front, the men holding up the queue, JK and Joon. The latter is looking wearily around at the line, getting impatient looks while the maknae argues with the manager.]
JK: Look here, sir. I’m a student. S-T-U-D-E-N-T! And as a student, we have to cut ends where we can money wise. Now if you can pleaaaasseee just accept this token, this one little, little token.
M: And I’ve already told you, “student”, the token has expired. I’m just doing what my job tells me to do... Now, I’m going to leave you to pay for your order. Perhaps then some of the people behind you could be served.
[JK looks around to see what the manager means, landing on the glaring eyes of giant family. It’s surprising to know how much more aggressive the children appear next to the adults, all in unison folding their arms over as Joon swiftly moves away from the queue. JK is equally quick to cough up the cash, taking his receipt and waiting for his order over at the stand with the ketchup and napkins. JK looks up at the board to see their number is miles down the list, having to take a step backwards in order to get a better view of their position in the queue. As he does so, his heel catch the toes of a small figure behind him, letting a small squeal from a girl escape.]
Jk: [Panicking as he helps the girl collect the straws she dropped.] AGH! I’M SO SORRY! I should have been looking where I was going! You’re not hurt are you?
G: Spitting.] Yeah! And no thanks to you, arsehole!
[Namjoon chokes on his own saliva while the makae’s doe eyes widen in shock.]
JK: Hey, whoa! That isn’t the language a small girl like you should be using!
G: [Hissing through the gaps in her baby teeth.] Who are you to judge someone small when my eye level allows me to see your package is smaller than my chicken McNuggets.
JK: [Grabbing his crutch in horrified defence.] Ok, this is getting personal now. How old are you? Like five? How do you even know words like that?
G: [Huffing.] I’m seven actually. And how old do you think you are with the iron man socks... And that T.shirt- “America’s Ass?” Seriously? This is Korea and I don’t see anything great about the your arse, just the arsehole bit.
JK: This isn’t my shirt, Yoongi hyung bought it for Tae- Never mind, you don’t know them. Can you just go off and play in the play area or whatever and leave us in peace? Please, little girl?
G: If you call me a little girl again, the next person to count the ball pit is going to count two extra.
JK: Ok then, “Not so little girl.” What is the name I get the pleasure to call you?!
?: AIMEE! ARE YOU BOTHERING PEOPLE AGAIN?!
[JK and Joon look around the restaurant to see where the voice is coming from. Soon enough they see a pale hand waving from amongst a queue of people. A woman with short sandy hair pops out from the crowd, walking over and grabbing the hand of the small girl, trying to guide her back to the queue.]
?: [To the men, not paying much attention as she rambles.] I’m so sorry about my cousin here; I hope she wasn’t bothering to too mu-
[The woman cuts herself off as she finally looks up to meet the maknae’s eyes. Simultaneously, Joon and JK gasp, facing themselves with the one and only Angela. She swallows the lump in her throat and seizes tight grip of the girl’s hand in nerves.]
An: H-hello. J-jungkook... Hello J-j-oon...
Ai: [Looking at JK up and down.] Jungkook? The geeky arsehole in the marvel gear is the “cute guy” you play games with?
[Angela blushes purple, clamping her teeth together into a small smile.]
An: Haha... You’re so funny Aimee...
Ai: [Scoffing.] I wonder what I’ll head next: “Oh Angela... The thigh fat from all those Big Macs you’ve eaten... “I’m lovin’ it.”
JK: [Almost sweating with embarrassment.] Ok kid. That’s enough of that...
Ai: [Nudging the woman.] Bet you didn’t know you’d be picking up a bloke at Maccy’s. Screw their claims of making things 100% chicken breast; it’s all “fun no food inside this happy meal.”
An: [Trying to drag the girl off.] OK THAT’S IT! WE’RE GOING HOME!
Ai: [Words being muffled as Angela drags her off.] At least I know who left the handcuffs on the couch now!
[Joon and JK stand in shocked silence for a few seconds, keeping their glance on the door Angela hurried out of. An employee in the background starts to shout “Number 32!” Which is the number which corresponds to JK’s ticket. Neither person react to the call, slowly turning at the same time to stare between each other.]
N: What. Just. Fucking. Happened?
[Joon leaves a few seconds gap before he blinks, swallowing the saliva accumulating in his mouth.]
JK: I think the writer's had too many frappés
SCENE 6
[We're back, yet again to our featured hot tub. Things are started to look crowded, all bundled against the circular sides, drinking to their hearts content. From left to right, we can see JK, Taehyung, Joon and Yoongi. Hoseok, Jin and Jimin are not present- the former on a shift at the hospital while the latter two’s location are unknown. Everyone seems to look cheerful and sun-kissed in the weather- particularly Taehyung and JK who had worked their way through one of Yoongi's wine bottles within a ten minute time frame.]
T: [Holding the neck of the empty bottle loosely in his fingers.] I have a question for everyone: do you all play this game? So, you're going up or down the escalator at the tube station, just waiting behind a line of people at the side. And as you go up, you're looking at the opposite flow of people. And by the time you get off, you have to pick one person that you would spend the rest of your life with...
JK: [Lip quivering at one side in judgement.] Tell me you don't actually play that game.
T: I play that game every time. It's a lot more tense of a game than you think because you never know whether to claim someone nice straight away or to wait near the end, just in case someone nicer comes along. And then you're judging them on if they look wealthy etc...
Y: After a Suga daddy?
T: Your jokes are getting old, hyung. Just piss off and find out which of these were the Indiana Jones' to whoop you.
N: What's this?
Y:Nothing that should concern you-
JK: [Butting in on everyone.] Look, I don't know what any of you are talking about, but none of you got a better whooping than I did from that girl in Maccys today. She threatened to chop off my balls.
T: Well, they’re not going to come in any use for you soon- not with your track record. Might as well go in the ball pit.
Y: These kids... Now in our time, kids were a lot tougher, emotionally and physically. Our balls were harder, something you’d find while ten-pin bowling. And it strikes you hard if you got some T-bagging action.
T: Hate it interrupt your flashback grandpa, but we’ve just entered the film: “Raiders Of The Lost Park". Maybe he’ll know who whooped you.
[On queue, bangtan’s Indiana Jones pads into the garden, still in his trunks and sunglasses. However, the audience will be able to sense some pace in his steps, some urgency. This is soon to be confirmed as the voice of a deranged budgie squawks through the open door. Jin appears from the shadows, red-faced and with the infamous angry neck shaking in a frenzy.]
J: YAH YOU LITTLE BITCH! YOU GET BACK HERE!
Jm: [Backing up, keeping his hands out in protection.] Jin... Hyung... I know that I’ve made you angry but-
J: [Steam spouting from flared nostrils.] Angry?! I’M FUMING! MEGA MEGA FUCKING FUMING!You better keep you eyes on your truncheon, sergeant because if I get my hands on it...
N: [Leaning in to whisper to Yoongi.] I think your theories right. It seems the elders have shot-put balls hidden in their trunks.
[Not knowing whether to laugh or cry, Mini stumbles backwards into the garden chairs, picking it up and holding it out in front as a shield. The scene is very much a reminder of what Captain America would look like as a garden gnome- the height adding extra realism.]
Jm: [Begging.] No, no, no! It was wrong of me, I understand, but please Jin! Spare me some mercy!
J: I’m giving you no mercy, but I may give you a “Ta Gueule”!
Jk: [With a wince and an Oof sound.] Tu cherches des ennuis...
Jm: Ok, if you’re going to hit me, I’ll let it slide this once. I won’t arrest you for it because it’s entirely my fault.
[Jin starts forward and Jimin raises his chair more.]
Jm: WAIT! Can I not make some final prayers?!
J: Why the fuck do you want to do that?
Y: Praying only help if you want your opponent to throw scissors. Taehyung will tell you that.
N: [Looking weary.] Jk, Yoongi hyung, please just shut up for a second. You’re both making things worse.
[Jin turns with a glare towards Namjoon as he speaks up, his eyes igniting quicker than Yoongi could say “ 불타오르네 .”]
J: YAH! YOU CAN TALK! NO ONE DUG AS DEEP AS YOU WHEN YOU INSULTED MY AUNT!
N: I didn’t insult your aunt, I insulted those awful triangular sunglasses you own.
J: Which are the the SHAPE of my AUNT’S awful sunglasses! And the only living memory I have of her!
Jm: [Looking sorrowful.] You’re aunt is dead?
J: No, she works at SM so she’s as good as dead.
Jm: [With a small nod.] Oh... Ok.
[Jimin puts the chair slowly down as Jin stared at the man for a few seconds. A few seconds turns into a minute- the only sound being Jungkook’s ASMR session as he drums his fingers on the side of the wine bottle. As everyone shoots him glares, he realises what he’s doing and stops.]
J: Jimin...
Jm: Yeah?
J: OF COURSE SHE’S DEAD!
Jm: Whoa, whoa! Relax! I’m sorry, I didn’t realise! I give my respects to your aunt... My dad died when I was young so I know what it’s like, to lose family, I mean...
[As Mini says this last statement, he looks even more saddened than we have seen him before, the light going from his smile while the June weather intensifies. Jin’s face starts to return to it’s usual colour, round eyes softening and his neck no longer throttling itself, but swallowing regretfully. Jin readjusts his suckable toes on the patio’s tiling and takes a few, cautious steps forward. His hand comes to rest on Jimin’s shoulder with an awkward patting action. This was all before Mini grabbed the man’s shoulders and pulled him in for a proper hug. At first overwhelmed, Jin finds himself settling into Mini’s green mould- quite literally green as that was the colour of his trunks. Eventually the two men part, Yoongi and Namjoon exchanging wiggling eyebrows at the sight of the bromance.]
J: [Grabbing Namjoon in his eye contact.] I owe an apology to you-
N: No, you don’t.
[Joon shakes his head, standing up suddenly in the water so a lot of it soaks through Yoongi’s hair. He embraces it by slicking the strands back Draco style.]
N: Everything is my fault, Jin. I said some really offences things to you... And you’re aunt, I guess- I’m sorry. Really sorry. And I hope that we still have this great bond, that we can continue to be friends, watch vines together.
J: Joon, I love you. Bitch. I’ll never stop loving you... Bitch.
N: Really?
J: [With snort like a very dry windshield.] Really. You’re the man, Joon.
Y: Right, well if you’ve all finished with your apologies, Jungkook has became wasted in these past few minutes, if you haven’t noticed. So I think you two should get in here before Hoseok comes home and chucks us all out his garden.
Jm: [Already climbing in.] He won’t do that.
T: What makes you think he won’t?
Jm: Because Hoseok isn’t the one who needs to keep “lawn and order” to the neighbourhood’s gardens.
J: [Spitting out the wine he just drank.] PAH! No way did you just use that joke. I call that plagiarism thank you very much... That’s the second thing of a long list you’ve done to annoy me this week.
Jm: What’s the first?
Y: [Shrugging.] Apparently breathing. But I would like to hear what the thing is I didn’t know about.
[Mini hides his smirk behind his hand, catching Jin’s warning look as he contemplated whether to spill.]
T: What is it?
Jm: Nothing... Lets just say Jin’s aunt will be the only woman swiping right on Jin’s tinder now.
Y: Oh. He’s gained one woman from his original then.
End of episode.