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PART ONE: MEETING YOU
Eren loved his mother, father and sister. He adored his friends, and was faithful to his God. When he would graduate from school, he was to become a doctor and pastor like his father, and find a beautiful girl to marry and settle down with. That was his life - it was already planned out for him by his parents - and Eren could not change it. He did desire to be free, to travel, to make his own choices, but Eren thought that it was simply a dream. He will always be confined by the walls of his family and God until he died.At least, until he met Levi, and suddenly Eren began to question every little thing he had ever been told. Even when things start to become blurred, and Eren finds himself feeling more isolated from his friends and family than he did before, he continued to follow Levi.
Levi promised Eren that he will help him be free; all Eren had to do was listen to his every word.
Eren ignored Mikasa’s calls as he sprinted through the cobbled streets of central Shiganshina, the cool Autumn wind pulling his hair off his face as his green coat flapped behind him. It was a Sunday morning, and Sunday mass had finished. Usually, as children of the pastor, Eren and Mikasa were made to stay behind afterwards. Today was different, however, as for the first time in many months Eren and Mikasa were allowed to go to the morning markets instead.As Eren rounded the corner, he was greeted by the sight of the buzzling town square. On most days it was mainly empty, except for the rush hours of morning and dusk, in which hundreds of people would cross from one side of the city to the other. At the north and south side of the town square were two large, stone-bricked archways. On the remaining two sides were the town library, with rows of marbled steps leading up to a large-doored entrance and the town’s clock tower, that loomed over the city.On Sundays, plentiful of small wooden stalls with colourful clothed roofs were set up in the square, as well as a temporary wooden stage that was nudged between the corner of the southern arch way and the clock tower. Eren was entering from the north, with his best friend Armin and adopted sister Mikasa following somewhere close behind him.The last time Eren had visited the markets was in early July. On that Sunday, Mikasa and Eren had drunk lemonade, and cheered on a band that had played on the stage. It was a happy, treasured memory for Eren. Often he had asked to visit the Sunday markets, though his parents rarely allowed it. There were many things that were banned in their household. Eren was never to speak back, never to disobey, and never to question his parent’s authority. Each morning and each night they prayed, and at each meal they said a quick thank you to their God. Visiting the markets was seen as a privilege by his parents and something that Eren and Mikasa had to earn.For the most part Eren had no issue with it. He loved his God and his family more than anything. However, sometimes, Eren wished that he could simply… do what he desired for once.A smile etched itself across Eren’s face as he began to stroll through the busy crowds, eyes diverting to the stalls that lined up on each side of him. He could hear the blissful tunes of a saxophone and clarinet from the southern end of the square, and caught snippets of passer-by’s conversations. Each stall sold different things that ranged from clothes to salted meats, baked bread, sweets, seasonal fruits, even gardening tools and carved wooden toys. The air around him was thick with the smell of food, the chatter of other people, the liveliness of the markets and Eren loved it.“Eren! Sorry- Excuse me- Eren!”Mikasa and Armin finally caught up to him from pushing their way through the crowd as Eren stopped in front of a stall selling fruits. The owner was talking to two people his age – a red-haired girl with piggy-tails and a tall blond boy – and Eren had been eyeing the rows of bright apples, lined perfectly in little woven boxes.“Eren.” Mikasa said again, calmer this time as she strolled up beside him. “What have I said about running off? It’s busy. You could easily get lost.”“You’re not my mother,” Eren snapped, and picked up a red apple idly.Mikasa had always been so incredibly protective of Eren, ever since his parents decided to adopt her after the death of her parents. It was irritating, considering they were only months apart in age. He was thankful that somebody cared, but sometimes Eren felt so incredibly undermined by the way Mikasa – and his parents – treated him. Eren was not a child, he could look after himself. Besides, it was simply the markets. Was there any real danger here? He’s surrounded by people.She let out a sigh. “I know, Eren. But there are a lot of gang-related crimes lately, especially in the inner city. I promised your- our mother that I would look after you-”Eren’s eyes rolled at the words. To him, they sounded condescending than caring, as if Eren was helpless and defenceless without her by his side. Armin stiffed beside him; Armin knew very well that Eren found Mikasa’s over-protectiveness annoying, for they have had many fights over it whilst he’s been in the same room.“I don’t need you to look after me. I am fifteen, Mikasa, not eight.”“But Eren!”“Please,” He furrowed his brows as he shot Mikasa a quick glare, putting the apple down. “Can you stop treating me like I am a little child? I can take care of myself. You’re my sister, not my parent.”Silence fell between them as he watched his sister stutter out mere sounds, before dropping her gaze to the cobbled ground beneath them. “I’m sorry.”Eren returned his focus back to the fruit, not bothering to respond to his sister’s muttered apology. His mother had given him 1000 ¥ to spend on whatever he wishes. Apples were a rare treat at this time of the year, so Eren grabbed two and turned his attention back to the shopkeeper. He was still talking to the two other customers, and laughing at some comments they had made.Armin mumbled something about going to see another stall, and thankfully Mikasa followed. For his sister who had been frustrated with him just moments ago for being alone, she was quick to leave when she knew she had upset him. That was one trait of Mikasa’s that Eren was thankful for.More often than not Eren would have spouts of blinding anger. Over the years, it resulted in many detentions at school, many screaming matches with his parents, and many, many trips to a doctor. They tried medication at first, until the doctor suggested that Eren could simply have anger-management issues. It was then that his mother and father decided it was simply Eren acting out. It was ironic in a way. His father, as well as being the pastor of Shiganshina’s church, worked as a doctor during the day. Yet when another doctor said Eren might have behaviour issues to explain his bursts of anger, none of them wanted to believe it.Now, years later, Eren had started to learn how to control it by himself. Though it was still favourable for others to simply leave him alone when he started to act out. It helped him calm.Another boy moved in the corner of Eren’s eyes, rounding the back of the stall, but Eren ignored him. His eyebrows furrowed as he thought of all the moments in his life that Mikasa had made him feel so incredibly small, and useless. It made his stomach twist inside him; Eren hated being babied, being treated as if he is incapable of being independent.His father and mother always expect Eren to be good. To do well in school, to pray every morning and night, to never sin and do wrong. It was understandable, and Eren tried his best. Yet ever since his parents adopted Mikasa six years ago, Eren had felt so… insignificant, so isolated in his own family.Mikasa was everything his parents ever wanted in a child. She was intelligent, strong, obedient and kind. She was focused, and knew when to be quiet and was always generous. Eren was not. Eren was angry, Eren wanted to travel instead of follow in his father’s footsteps, Eren was unfocused in school and his grades never matched Mikasa’s. He was obedient in most cases, but far from the perfection that his parents saw in Mikasa.It would be a lie for Eren to say it didn’t often make his blood thick with jealousy. Eren’s eyes shifted back into focus at the loud laughter of the old shopkeeper. He glanced over at the trio, rocking back and forth on his feet and letting out another sigh. I’m waiting here too…Rolling his eyes, Eren turned his attention to the back of the squared stall. There was a boy, short with swift movements. His black, middle-parted hair fell slightly over his face, framing it along with his sharp, defined jaw. Eren couldn’t see much other than that, and shifted his eyes to the fitted grey shirt that the boy wore. It had a rip at the collar, and Eren briefly wondered what it could have possibly been from, before his mind registered what exactly the boy was doing.There was a light, woven bag slung over his shoulder. One of the boy’s hands held it open whilst the other quickly shovelled apples inside. It wasn’t simply a few apples, because in the few moments that Eren had been staring at the boy he didn’t hesitate for a second before shoving another in. He must really enjoy apples, Eren thought innocently.Curious, he decided to walk over and introduce himself.“Hi,” Eren said, stopping in front of the boy. Up close, the boy seemed to be a little less short than Eren had initially thought; Eren was eye-level with the top of the boy’s head. His build was muscular though. Eren could see the way his light grey shirt was tight around his upper arms and shoulders.When Eren walked over, he didn’t even look up, and continued to shove apples into his bag, as if he either did not notice or simply did not care that Eren was in front of him.“You seem to like apples.” Eren continued. He felt the curiosity tickle under his skin. Who are you? Why are you not speaking to me? Why are you buying so many apples?“I do.” The boy said, head still down, hands still grabbing the freshest apples he could see.His voice was far deeper than Eren expected, deeper than his own. The sounds seemed to roll off the boy’s tongue, soft and firm. His accent was foreign, not one from Shiganshina.“They’re 250¥ each, you do realise?” Eren asked, taking notice of how the woven bag was thick and full. Whoever this boy is, he must have a good, wealthy family. Even as the pastor’s child, there is no way Eren’s parents would ever let him buy a whole bag of apples. They had plentiful of money of course, but those apples would all go off by the time Eren could eat them all.“How can you afford that?”To Eren’s surprise, the boy left out a small chuckle at this. Halting his movements, the boy finally glanced up, eyes locking with Eren’s widened ones.Wow, Eren thought to himself. At this distance, just steps apart, Eren could see the way the boy’s narrow eyes were a deep, stormy blue-grey, a colour so rarely seen in Shiganshina. His eyes were framed by dark circles and the thick, coal black eyebrows that curved above. Black locks fell over his face, parted in the middle, and it shaved into an undercut. His skin was smooth, soft and pale. A smirk curled on his lips; and it made a beat be skipped inside Eren’s heart.“I can’t.” He said, intense eyes still focused on Eren, unmoving.Eren’s eyebrows furrowed. “So why are you putting so many in your bag?”“Who are you?” The boy asked this time, ignoring Eren’s question as he took a step towards him. His head was cocked to the side, an eyebrow quirked. “Do you know who I am?”His heartbeat quickened. For a reason unclear to Eren, a little voice in his head was telling him it would be best for him to turn and leave now. But something about the boy – his aura, and perhaps Eren’s own stubborn curiosity – was alluring him in.With slight hesitation, Eren replied: “I… I’m Eren. Eren Jaeger. And no, I don’t know who you are. Should I? Why? What’s your name?”At the mention of his name, Eren saw the boy’s smirking expression falter for only a moment. Before Eren could dwell on it the boy’s let out a small, pondering hmm, a sly look etching itself across his face.“Eren. What a lovely name for such a cute boy,” He said.
Huh?
Heat flushed throughout Eren’s cheeks as his jaw went slack, breath hitched in the back of his throat. Eren stared back at the boy, heartbeat being felt in his ears as he tried to speak. Only a mixture of sounds pitifully stuttered from his mouth before Eren diverted his gaze to the cobbled ground instead. Cute? Is he calling me cute? Why? Eren shifted from foot to foot, fidgeting with his thumbs as a silence fell over them for a mere few seconds.“My name is Levi,” Eren’s head curved back up at this; his face blush deepening under the boy – Levi’s – unchanging stare. He wanted to ask Levi why he would call him that word, why he thought it was okay. To call a boy cute was something Eren knew was sinful, and had always been told was something that was not allowed. Girls were cute, boys however were not.A breath fell from his lips as he straightened his back, dropping his fidgeting hands to his sides. Eren’s voice came out in a struggled whisper, “Levi… Levi… you know I’m a boy, right?”Levi let out a small chuckle, cocking his head to the side with a raised eyebrow. “I do.”“Why are you calling me cute then? Boys aren’t cute, and boys shouldn’t be calling other boys cute.”“Oh,” Levi hummed in response, leaning forward ever so slightly and tilting his chin up towards Eren. “Are you not cute? What’s so bad about complimenting a boy, Eren?”For a reason Eren does not know his heart skipped a beat as the breath felt tight in the back of his throat. The heat of his blush rushed throughout his whole face, his ears and neck too.He didn’t understand why this stranger would say such a thing to him. If his father or mother was here, they would have yelled at Levi for calling Eren cute. It wasn’t okay for boys to find other boys cute, for it was a sin for man to be with man. This had been something Eren had been told his entire life by those around him. It was unnatural, it was wrong, it was a sin.Yet whilst Eren could almost hear his parents in the back of his head, telling him to scold Levi for saying such a thing, he could not bring himself too. Levi was the first person to ever call him cute that was not his mother. Lord, please forgive me, Eren thought to himself. It feels… nice.“I… well… God says it’s not okay for boys to be calling each other those things. He says that man should not lie with man,” Eren said. Subconsciously his weight shifted from side to side, and his gaze was fixated on Levi’s; those eyes were the most beautiful Eren had ever seen. “Oh? But Eren,” And if Eren believed Levi could not get any closer, he was wrong. Levi took a step forward; he was so close that Eren could feel his breath on his neck, and take in the smell of vanilla that clouded him. “We are not lying together, are we?”“N- No.”“So, when I say that you are cute,” Levi moved to whisper the latter in Eren’s ear: “It’s not a sin, right? We aren’t doing anything wrong, Eren.”Is anyone else seeing us? Eren thought frantically, breathing slightly faster as Levi leaned back, that wicked smirk once again playing on his lips. The skin on his neck were Levi breathed tingled; his fingertips shook slightly at his side. What is this feeling? Why am I blushing so badly?“I have to go now, Eren.” Levi said, turning to grab a final apple and shove it into the woven bag. Eren watched in silence, mouth agape in awe. Levi nodded swiftly at the same two customers at the front of the store, who seemed to still be in deep conversation with the shopkeeper.How long have we been talking? Eren wasn’t quite sure, but at most it must have been a few minutes. Armin and Mikasa will be on their way back to him now from wherever they went off too. I don’t want Levi to go, he thought quietly to himself. He seems so… cool. So interesting. I had always been told that I couldn’t think a boy was cute, but maybe my parents were wrong?
Levi probably calls girls cute, too. God said it was a sin for man to lie with man, but men are allowed to give compliments each other, surely? That’s all this is. Levi complimenting me. He’s being kind.
“Do you know them?” Eren said, referring to the two customers from the front of the store that Levi had nodded too. Levi had started to turn around, to leave Eren, but he glanced back over his shoulder.“Yes. Isabel and Furlan. My friends.”“Oh,” Eren weakly said, and stared as Levi began to walk away from him.He’s leaving. For some reason it made his heart sink as his stomach twisted inside him. The strange boy with a really… nice smile who said I was cute is leaving me behind.“Wait, Levi,” He said, taking a stride forward. With one hand Eren grabbed Levi’s shoulder; the touch leaving sparks dancing across his skin. It was warm and solid. Levi turned, facing him completely once more, his eyebrows furrowed with confusion.“Yes?”“Can- Can I see you again?” Eren rushed out with a shaky breath, so quick he wasn’t sure if Levi would have heard him correctly. The thump of his heartbeat drummed in his ears and felt heavy against his chest and his cheeks burned with blush.Eren didn’t want Levi to leave and to never see him again. For a brief moment of time they had met, but Eren found that it sparked his curiosity. Something about Levi made Eren want to stay close with him, to listen to his every word, to do anything to see that intoxicating smirk on his face once more. It was a feeling Eren had never experienced – the burning sensation of his own skin at touching Levi’s mere shoulder, the flush of his cheeks at Levi’s words, this odd and unusual desire to simply look at him. Eren didn’t understand what was happening to him at all. Levi smiled slightly at Eren’s words, and Eren felt a soft sigh escape his lips.“When are you free next, Eren?”“Tomorrow afternoon.”“Meet me at the southern archway tomorrow afternoon, then. Is four o’clock okay?” Levi cocked his head to the side at the question.“Yes!” Eren eagerly replied, earning a low chuckle from Levi that made his heart flip.“See you then, Eren.” Levi said. His gaze ran over Eren’s entire body for a split second before he turned, silently trotting past the shopkeeper who had no idea that Levi was there. The other two customers – Furlan and Isabel – bid their goodbyes to the shopkeeper and left also. Levi slipped out into the crowded streets, and within seconds he disappeared into the bustling people of Shiganshina.Eren's thoughts were too focused on the way Levi called him cute and his stormy, ice-coloured eyes that he completely disregarded the fact that Levi had not even bothered to pay for the apples. When Mikasa and Armin returned to find Eren gazing at the apples with a smile on his face, they didn’t seem to question it too much. Mikasa only stared at him with her narrow eyes. Eren could tell that she knew something was up, but thankfully she did not ask him any questions other then why he had yet to buy any apples. Armin didn’t say anything at all. Not even letting Eren reply to Mikasa’s question he informed Eren on all the different stalls they had seen, blindsided to Eren’s hazy expression and the blush that dusted his cheeks.However, when Eren’s face was still a bright scarlet colour by the time they had left the markets and were on the return walk home, Armin finally noticed that Eren was acting a little different.Mikasa had paced slightly ahead on the cobbled path, leaving Eren and Armin to walk side by side. The trio had rounded a corner when Armin turned to Eren with a raised eyebrow, eyes dancing over Eren’s expression for a brief moment.“Hey, Eren? Can I ask a question?”“Sure.”“Why is your face so red?”Eren felt his cheeks grow even hotter at the comment.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
On Monday morning, Eren had told Mikasa and his parents that he wanted to study at the town library that afternoon, and asked if he would be allowed to go. It was a small lie, and Eren’s heart twanged with a slight sense of guilt. He never lied. It was a sin. But Eren repeatedly told himself that God would understand in an attempt to make himself feel a little better. After all, if he had told his parents that he was going to meet up with a strange boy that he had only met yesterday, who apparently believed Eren was cute… his parents would have never let him go. At least, by telling this small and insignificant lie, it would be easier to convince his parents to let him go to the town square alone. There he could see Levi, and his lovely smile again.“Please,” Eren began to beg as he walked through the front door, ignoring the slight scoff that left Mikasa as she took off her shoes beside him. “Can I just go?”That morning, after he had asked, his parents had told him no. His mother had simply shaken her head and his father had told him to just study at home, not even bothering to look up at Eren from the morning paper. It was now three o’clock in the afternoon, and Eren was meant to meet up with Levi within the next hour. His father would be at his day job in the doctor’s office but Eren knew his mother would be at home this time in the afternoon. The sound of scrubbing plates and clashing porcelain bounced off the walls from the kitchen and he could smell the stew she had put on for dinner.“I don’t see why you can’t just study here, Eren.” His mother replied, yelling from the kitchen. Eren stomped his feet in place slightly like a child, an irritated whine leaving his throat.“But mother!” Eren said. He glared with narrowed eyes as Mikasa rolled her eyes at his begging, hiding her laugh before she turned down the hallway to the staircase, and went up to her room. It made his blood rush. Why are you acting like that towards me? “Eren.” His mother walked out from the kitchen, through the open dining room to Eren’s left and stopping in front of where he stood scowling. Her long black hair was braided to the side, wisps curled at the end. Her hazel eyes looked at him warmly, a smile gently tugging on the corner of her lined lips. She wiped her soapy hands on the yellow apron that hung over her white tee-shirt before a sigh escaped her lips. “Is it really that important that you go to the library? Do you need to do research or something along those lines, darling?”She took a step closer, brushing the bangs of Eren’s hair out of his face. “Deep breaths, Eren.”Eren had not noticed the burning anger that coiled in his stomach. It was Mikasa’s fault. She looked at me like I was stupid. Taking in a shaky breath, Eren relaxed his clenched fists at his side before he replied, “Yes. I also feel like I’ll be able to focus better. I’ll be away from distractions there.”
Liar.
His mother hummed, dropping her hand. Her eyes studied Eren’s tense stance, lips pressed together.“Okay, Eren. But I expect you to be home by half past five o’clock, alright?”Eren barely mumbled out a thank-you to his mother as a grin etched itself across his face. A quick kiss was pressed to her cheek before Eren rushed out the door. He didn’t get to see her confused expression at his eagerness, for Eren was already half-way down the street by the time his mother had noticed he’d left. “Levi!”Eren ran up to him, feet making a thudding sound against the cobblestone path, his heart skipping a beat at the sight of the other boy. Levi leaned against the bricked, southern archway, a foot up back against it and arms across his chest. Similar to yesterday, he wore a tight black shirt and jeans, and his hair this time was combed back off his face. Eren thought Levi looked amazing. I probably look like a child compared to him, Eren thought. Even with my height.At almost four o’clock, the town square was filled with bustling people as it was on Sunday morning. The sun was staring to lower in the sky, and within half an hour the town will be painted in colours of blues, oranges, pinks and yellows. It was starting to cool as the day began to end, and Eren pulled his green coat closer as he came to a stop in front of Levi.Eren was worried that it would be difficult to spot him in the crowd that surrounded him; but Levi stood out against the working class in their usual light coloured t-shirts with his dark attire.“Hey, Eren.” Levi looked up to him, a sly smile playing on his lips. His deep, low voice and foreign accent made Eren’s heart oddly flip. “So, what do we have planned today, hmm?”Oh.Eren’s shoulders fell. His gaze fell to the ground, a small laugh escaping his lips. Anxiously Eren shifted from foot to foot. “I hadn’t… planned anything. I just wanted to see you again, I suppose.”“Really?” Eren could hear the playfulness in Levi’s tone. It made his stomach twist. “That’s cute.”A pink tinge came to his cheeks, and as Eren glanced up to Levi again, biting his lip to hide the smile.“Is it?” Eren said, a hint of insecurity to his tone. A part of him was worried that Levi, a strange boy who thinks he’s cute and has really, really nice eyes would see Eren as childish. Everyone else in Eren’s life saw him as a stubborn teenage boy with an insatiable, curious hunger that was bad for him.“Of course.” Levi said. “I mean; we don’t know each other at all. So I’ll admit that I am a little bit shocked that you would even bother asking to see me again. But I think it’s cute.”Eren smiled. “Ah, well, I… you’re interesting.”“Am I now?”“Yeah. Nobody has ever called me cute before. Other than my mother.”“Well, that’s hard to believe. Let’s walk, then. To the river?” Levi turned towards the southern exit, gesturing for Eren to follow close behind him. “You can tell me all about yourself when we get there.”For a little while they walked in silence, Eren making sure to stay close to Levi. Dozens of passer-by’s still strolled by them towards the southern gate, but Eren felt like he was in his own little world. With curious eyes he took in his surroundings: the old, dark-oak buildings on the hilly road to his left, the large grocer’s store in front of him, the way weeded-flowers grew in between the cracks of the pebbles beneath him. Everything seemed a lot older and more worn-down than in the northern side.Eren had never been too far into the southern side of the town before. He had no reason to – his church, school, home and friends’ houses all belonged on the north side of the town. The only time he had ever come onto this side is to visit the grocer’s store that stood just inside the entrance. Yet this time, with Levi beside him, Eren continued to round the corner of the road running parallel to the shop, going to a place he had never been before.If his parents were here, they would have yelled at him to return home.Even so, Eren couldn’t help but keep walking.It’s not like his parents will ever find out about him seeing Levi, going to the other side of town without their permission, and lying to them, anyway. Eren felt a little bad, but his excitement and the way his heart sored when Levi turned back to look at him with a small smile was too good of a feeling for him. All his life Eren had followed what his parents had asked him to. He’s always been so obedient, always trying to live up to his parent’s expectations. Yet even with that, Eren knew that they were always, on a level, disappointed in him. So what’s the use? Why should Eren not do what he wants for once?The religious side of him, and the guilt of disobeying and lying to his parents pocked inside him, but Eren continued to push it back. Tonight, he’ll pray for forgiveness. Even though it is a sin, Eren felt sure that his God would understand. He’ll make sure that when he and Levi reach the river, he will also tell Levi that when they are to hang out, they’ll do it on the northern side.Eren felt a small hum at the back of his throat as he came to a conclusion: Tomorrow, I’ll tell my parents I made a new friend at the library, and I’ll be then able to see Levi without lying to them. No more sins.The pair began to walk down cobbled steps, the buildings on each side of them starting to give way to the view of the lake in front of them. A slight gasp escaped Eren’s lips as he impulsively began to skip down the steps, running up to the bricked, barrier fence at the edge of the river. It hung slightly over it, as if it was a balcony of a home but the ground below was the waters of the river.The dipping sun reflexed its rays of golden hues onto the waters, and Eren soaked in the view. He had never been to this end of the river, where the mountains of the edge of Shiganshina rolled behind it. At the northern end were decks and docks with small fishing boats tied up to, and a small restaurant on the edge of the bank. Here, there was simply a barrier that continued until the sands of the bank reached the land, to which it stopped abruptly, and hills on the opposite side that seemed to go forever.Levi walked up beside him and leant his arms against the barrier. “Have you ever been here?”“Only on the northern side.”Levi hummed. “Why?”“I… I’m not really allowed down here, actually,” Eren said, a sheepish smile creeping across his face. “But- But it’s okay! I’ll pray tonight, and then it’ll be okay. Thankfully God is forgiving, ha.”“Your family is religious; I’m assuming?” “We actually own the church. My father is the pastor.”“Oh?” Levi glanced at him from the corner of his eyes, brows raised slightly. “How interesting.”Another silence fell over them. Usually, the silence would make Eren uncomfortable. Yet oddly enough he didn’t mind it. Levi beside him was warm, and the river in front of them was beautiful and pristine, like it was painted. Eren noticed the sun starting to touch the tips of the mountaintops of the other side. It was probably nearing four-thirty in the afternoon; the walk had taken longer than expected.“How old are you?” Levi said, catching Eren off guard.“Fifteen, but I turn sixteen next March. You?” Eren looked to Levi. He didn’t look much older than Eren. A part of him hoped that he wasn’t too old, for a reason Eren couldn’t quite understand.A sly smile slipped across Levi’s lips. “Eighteen. I turn nineteen in December.”Okay, not too old, Eren thought to himself. At least he’s not thirty-something.“So,” Levi continued, turning his head to face Eren fully. “You’re still in school?”Eren hummed a response and met Levi’s gaze.“Do you like it?”“No.” Eren said, “I did, but my parents always expect me to do so well in my classes. They kept comparing me to my adopted sister, whose grades are far higher than mine. I tried to tell them it’s because I can’t seem to focus in school, but they said it was because I’m lazy. So I hate it now.”Silence. Eren gulped, feeling the rush of anxiety in his veins and the tightening of his chest when Levi didn’t say anything. Turning back, he looked out to the water again. “Sorry. I speak too much.”“No,” Levi said. “It’s okay. You can speak as much as you like to me, Eren. I don’t mind. I’ll listen.”Levi’s sudden soft tone and comforting words made Eren’s heart flutter. Warmth reached his cheeks; nobody had ever said something like that to him before. People had always told him to be quiet, to calm down, to do what he is asked. Nobody has ever said to speak his mind.Eren smiled. “Thank you. I still love my parents, and my sister. But sometimes, they make me feel so small. Like I’m useless, and can’t make my own choices. I hate it.”Cracking his head to look up at the orange sky above, Eren let out a nervous laugh. The wind pushed his hair off his face, and he took a deep breath of the evening air. Flocks of birds flew across, their dark wings contrasting to the background. Sometimes Eren wished he could be like them: free, to do what they want. “I’ve always had to follow what my parents ask me to. I have to get good grades, pray each morning and night, obey them. I feel like I never get to choose what I want to do.”He could hear Levi let out a small sigh.The feeling of cool fingertips touching his exposed forearm brought Eren back out of his thoughts. A deep red spread across his cheeks as he shifted his attention from Levi’s comforting hand on his arm to Levi’s soft gaze. Eren’s mouth fell agape; his skin tingled with a reason unknown at the feeling of Levi’s touch. Everything Levi seemed to do made Eren feel odd. He didn’t understand why.“Then why don’t you simply do what you want?”
Huh?
“I- No- What?” Eren stuttered out, his eyes growing comically wide as he held back an anxious laugh. He shook his head, ignoring the twisting of his stomach and the skip of a heartbeat at the suggestion. Doing what I want? Yeah, right. I can’t do that. They are my parents, and even if they’re a little bit harsh to me sometimes, I still have to do what they say. I’m their child-“It’s just, Eren… think about it. They make you feel bad about yourself, don’t they?” Levi interrupted his battling thoughts. His hand fell, and gripped Eren’s left once instead. It made Eren’s breath hitch, for Levi’s hand was so soft and so small on his own, yet brought along a wave of comfort over him.“Yes, but-”“So why should you listen to them?” Levi hummed slightly, taking a step closer to a conflicted Eren. “This is your life. You shouldn’t let them control you.”Control? Eren felt his heart sink. He let his gaze fall to the ground, his eyebrows furrowing at the word. I’m not controlled. Listening to my parents doesn’t make me controlled, does it?Levi continued to creep closer, giving Eren’s hand a gentle squeeze as he stood on his toes to whisper in Eren’s ear: “I would never let them control you, if I was there beside you.”
Oh.
Eren felt a foreign warmth rush through him, a tingly feeling that seemed to reach every inch of his body. The thump of his heartbeat reached his ears. There was the sensation of Levi’s breath on his neck, and the sweet, subtle smell of vanilla that Levi radiated of. The burning of his cheeks was so high, he feared that Levi could feel it from where he stood on his toes with his face so close to Eren’s own.Had Eren ever met someone so wonderfully peculiar as Levi? Eren wasn’t quite sure if anyone had every made him feel like Levi makes him feel, and so quickly too; except maybe that brief month in fourth grade, when a boy named Reiner in his class would make Eren’s cheeks go red. But that was nothing compared to this, and Eren had believed it was because he was embarrassed with Reiner.Eren is not embarrassed to be around Levi.Whatever feeling Eren felt now, it was something foreign to him. Foreign, but so, so good. He could feel himself almost grow dizzy with Levi so close to him; he knows that Levi was staring right at him, but he kept his gaze locked at the ground instead. He feared that if he looked at Levi, and his intoxicatingly beautiful eyes that Eren would struggle to look away.A soft thumb rubbed circles into Eren’s palm, where Levi had picked his hand up and clasped it in his own. The breath Eren held hitched itself in the back of his tightening throat. Behind him he could hear people riding by on bicycles and going on evening walks; he wondered if they watched them, and felt just as confused as to what Levi was doing as Eren did.“Think about it, Eren.” Levi said, his voice low and like velvet. As quickly as he was close to him Levi was gone, leaning back over the balcony like nothing had happened. Like Eren didn't stare open mouthed at the ground with a deep blush on his cheeks.Boys shouldn't be holding hands, a little voice in his head spoke. Yet Eren pushed it to the back of his mind. Levi’s hand was still on top of his, and it felt comforting and gentle against his own.Half of the sun had disappeared behind the river now. Eren knew it was nearing time to go home, but the thought of going home made his heart ache. It was the place where Eren had to obey, where Eren always had to watch what he said, where Eren was constantly belittled in comparison to Mikasa.Levi was confusing. With Armin and Mikasa, whilst Eren could usually feel confident in telling them about his dreams and hopes for the future, he would have never told them about how he wished he could simply do what he wanted for once. Mikasa for sure would have told him to not be ridiculous, and Armin would have probably told Eren that there isn’t much they can do. Yet Levi had simply told him to do what he liked, as if the solution was so simple and so apparent.There was also this weird tingly feeling at Levi’s touch, the sensation of his heart fluttering in his chest when Levi smiled at him, and a subtle desire inside Eren to lean his head on Levi’s shoulder.
What is wrong with me?
“Tell me about yourself, Eren. What do you like? Do you have any hobbies? I’m curious,” Levi said, prompting Eren’s attention to shift to him as their gazes met.“Ah, well…” Eren paused. He didn’t really have many hobbies, for his father and mother never really supported Eren in any of it. Occasionally, Armin, Jean, Connie and some other friends from Eren’s school would play soccer on the weekend, but that mainly was it. He liked History, however. It always fascinated Eren. He continued, “I like History, it’s my favourite and best subject at school. My favourite colour is red, and I don’t really have many hobbies…”“If you had a hobby, what would you like it to be?”“I think… soccer. I play it sometimes with my friends, but I want to be on a team. Also, piano,” Eren said. He gave Levi a smile. “What about you? What do you like? You’re eighteen, do you have a job?” “I do. I work with my uncle, and I live with him – and Isabel and Furlan – too. My favourite colour is dark blue, and my favourite tea is black tea.”“What does your uncle do?” Eren asked.“Ah, nothing exciting.” Levi gave Eren’s side a playful nudge, shifting the focus back to Eren. “What do you want to do when you’re older, Eren? After you’ve graduated school.”His heart fell and Eren leaned over the barrier, mirroring Levi, except also resting his chin on the stone wall. After Eren graduated, he was expected to become the pastor like his father. It would also be likely that Eren would be forced into medical school like his father as well. Though it was not what Eren desired for, not really. He loved his religion, and his God, and going to Church. Yet Eren was unsure about whether it would be enjoyable to follow in his father’s footsteps.More than anything he simply wanted to see the world. The sea, the deserts, the snowy mountains. All dreams of Eren, fuelled by a book that Armin’s parents once owned with drawings and descriptions of these foreign, far-away lands. In Eren’s lifetime, he wanted to see it.“My parents want me to be the pastor, and probably a doctor too,” Eren replied after a moments silence, shoulders hunched. “I- I don’t really know if that’s what I want, though.”“What do you want, then?”“To travel. I think it’d be really amazing to see all these other places. I don’t want to have to stay in Shiganshina all my life. I want to be free, Levi. I want to see everything and do everything.”He felt Levi’s thumb draw circles into his palm reassuringly, giving his hand a small squeeze. When Eren’s eyes flickered to Levi, the corner of Levi’s lips tugged up into a warm, tender smile. “I can help you. I’ll teach you things your parents won’t. Help you live a little, and feel a little free.”“Really?” “Mhm. All you have to do is listen to me.”Eren bit back a wide grin as he mumbled a thank-you, squeezing Levi’s hand back as a way to show his appreciation. To think that Levi – a strange boy who seemed to just… radiate of freedom, of life-experience, of independence – would want to help him made Eren’s heart flutter.All Eren had to do was listen to Levi, and he’ll help Eren be free. Before Eren went home, the pair had also agreed to meet up again on Thursday afternoon. Eren had originally asked Levi to meet up again tomorrow – he wanted to feel this rush that he seemed to get around Levi again – but his heart sank when Levi said he was busy until Thursday. Regardless, Eren walked home with a silly smile at the fact that in a few days, he will see Levi again.It was only a few minutes past five-thirty when Eren arrived home. Yet his father still yelled at him for staying out, and his mother still said she was disappointed that he wasn’t home on time. That evening, Eren prayed for forgiveness: for lying, for disobeying his parents, for sinning.As he drifted to sleep, cuddled under his red quilt, Levi’s words echoed in his head.
This is your life. You shouldn’t let them control you.
I would never let them control you, if I was there beside you.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was Wednesday afternoon. Since Monday, Eren had ached with the feeling and desire to see Levi again. It left him unable to focus – at home, in school – and he knew that Mikasa had noticed. She didn’t say anything about Eren’s odd behaviour, thankfully.School had always been difficult for Eren. He sat in his wooden desk in the second row, next to the window. Mikasa was in front of him, with Armin seated to his right. Behind Eren was Ymir, a girl with freckles and short brown hair who constantly made sarcastic comments under her breath about Mr Pyxis – their teacher – and whatever he was attempting to teach.Today Mr Pyxis, a bald man in his forties with lines under his eyes, had explained the geography of Shiganshina and the surrounding districts. Eren wanted to travel when he was older, and Mr Pyxis’ chalk drawings of the mountains and rivers on the blackboard where interesting enough. So Eren had tried everything to focus – he stared, fixated on the blackboard and constantly repeated what Mr Pyxis said with a mumble.More often than not, however, Eren would catch himself thinking back to Levi. Levi, and his soothing, intoxicating aura that surrounded him; the way Levi’s hand felt on Eren’s – so cool and soft; and the way he had called him cute; the way Levi said such gentle, comforting words. The thought of it had been enough to make Eren smile into thin air, a tinge of pink reaching his skin.That afternoon Eren walked home with the sun shining down on his back. Armin and Mikasa strolled with him as usual, but today Historia Reiss also skipped along beside the trio. She was the daughter of Rod Reiss, the mayor of Shiganshina. A short blonde girl with electric blue eyes and a heart of gold. She and her father have always been close with the Jaegers, ever since Eren was young.Today the Reiss family was invited to Eren’s house for a dinner, which was not something unusual. At these dinners, Historia’s father, Rod, and Eren’s, Grisha, would usually go up to Grisha’s study afterwards and have long conversations that lasted well into the evenings. When they had their secluded conversations, Eren’s mother made sure to always remind Eren that the study was strictly off limits. Their conversations were private, and not for Eren to hear. Perhaps they were about church, or politics. There was an election nearing in the coming months.Eren kicked a pebble across the ground, hands shoved into the pockets of his pants. Both Historia and Eren were a few paces behind Armin and Mikasa, who were deep in conversation. Since Monday, the words Levi had said to him have almost constantly been on his mind.
This is your life. You shouldn’t let them control you.
I would never let them control you, if I was there beside you.
For days Eren had pondered over the words, hoping to come to a conclusion over whether Levi told the truth or not. They danced around inside his head, whispered to him whenever someone asked Eren to do something, fed the irritation and starved anger that constantly lived under Eren’s skin. Yet, even after hours of thinking, Eren still had not come to a conclusion.This is why he hoped to ask Historia for advice. Historia was intelligent, kind and always helped Eren whenever he struggled with something. After being friends since they were eight years old, Eren had grown to deeply trust her; this is why he wanted to ask her opinion.“Hey, Historia?” Eren said, still idly kicking a stone across the ground. “Mhm, what’s up Eren?” She replied, playfully nudging Eren’s side when she noticed that he was simply staring at his feet. Her voice fell to a soft tone, “Is everything alright?”“Yeah,” He said. Eren was thankful Historia had lowered her tone, for he didn’t want Armin or Mikasa joining their conversation. Armin was too logical to ask for a situation like this, and Mikasa would probably tell his parents what he was going to say.To be honest, Eren wasn’t quite sure exactly how to word his next few words. Historia has been raised with similar values to Eren, so, there is a high possibility that she would simply tell Eren that he should obey his parents and do what he is asked of. That what Levi said isn’t right.“Do you ever wish you could just… do what you wanted? Instead of having to do what your parents ask you all the time?” Eren’s voice came out in a shaky whisper. He clenched his fists shut by his sides, taking in a cool breath of the afternoon air, waiting for Historia to respond.“Of course.”Eren’s head lifted up.“I’d love to do what I wanted, Eren,” Historia continued, “but I know that my father has my best interests for me. When he asks me to do something, I do it, because I know he only wants the best.”A sigh escaped his lips as he gazed down to his feet again, scoffing his shoes at the pavement.
Of course she would say something like that. What was I even thinking?
For the rest of the walk home, Historia and Eren were in silence. Even when Historia started to hum a song to herself softly, a habit of hers that always calmed Eren down, he still felt on edge. Levi was eighteen, graduated and already had a job. Out of Historia and Eren, Levi had more experience in life than both of them. But, perhaps, maybe what he said wasn’t the truth.Eren’s mother and father sometimes made him cry, but they still loved him. They only wanted the best for Eren; they wanted him to receive good grades, to be faithful to the Lord, and to control his emotions. Is that not a good thing to want for your child?Yeah. She’s right, Eren thought to himself. When dinnertime came, Eren sat at the table beside Mikasa. Historia was seated directly in front of him with Rod to her right. Eren’s father was seated at the head of the table closest to Eren, and his mother sat at the other end. Dinner was cooked potatoes, marinated roast beef, carrots and other various vegetables. It was nearing six o’clock, and Eren had not ate since lunch. His stomach rumbled.“Come, Lord Jesus, be our Guest, and let thy gifts to us be blessed.” Eren’s father said a quick prayer, the families holding their hands together for a brief moment. “Alright, everyone, let’s eat.”Dinner was had mostly in silence, except for when Rod complimented Eren’s mother’s cooking, and towards the end, when Mikasa informed the table about their results from the test last week.Eren’s heart sunk.They had received the results of their mathematics examination earlier that morning. Eren was third in the class, which was an improvement from fifth last semester. Yet he knew that was not enough.When Mikasa told his parents of her scores – first place, again – they had complimented her and told her how proud they are. Even Rod did, and Historia said that Mikasa was so inspirational. When Eren’s mother had asked Eren what he thought of his sister’s achievements, he bit back his uneasiness and had simply said: “It’s amazing.”It was, and Eren was proud of his sister. But that wasn’t the reason he felt on-edge.“So, Eren,” His father spoke, turning his attention to his son. “I expect you received second?”There was the reason.“No,” Eren’s voice was small as he hesitantly replied. “That was Armin.”“Ah, Armin’s always been so intelligent.” He heard his mother make a comment, but all Eren could focus on was his father's silence. Even when looking at his food, Eren could feel his father’s harsh stare burn into him and could almost feel the disappointment reeking off of him.“Eren was third,” Mikasa said into the silence.His gaze snapped to where she sat beside him, internally thankful that she had spoken those words and not himself. It was highly possible Eren’s voice would have shaken under his father’s intense aura, and that would have been worse.Eren dropped his utensils, moving his fidgety hands under the table to where they couldn’t be seen to grip the hem of his shorts. His stomach twisted. His heart thumped in his ears. He licked his lips as he waited for his father to respond.“You could have been second if you had tried a little harder,” was all Eren’s father said before he returned to his meal. Eren sighed a breath of relief, ignoring how his heart ached at the way his father’s words dripped with disappointment. At least he didn’t raise his voice this time.The words did hurt, though, no matter how hard Eren tried to ignore it.-After dinner had finished, Grisha and Rod had gone to the study to have their long, private conversations. Eren and Mikasa washed up in the kitchen, whilst Eren’s mother helped teach Historia cross-stitching. Occasionally Eren would turn back to where they sat at the table and watch them through the door frame, a smile on his lips. He often thought of Historia as if she was his little sister – a little sister that was a lot less protective than Mikasa.“I’m sorry if I made you upset.”Eren turned back to where Mikasa stood, soapy cloth in hand, wiping down a plate. Her voice was quiet. She stared in place, not looking at Eren. She continued, “I just thought… if I didn’t say something, then father would have only grown angrier with you.” “It’s okay.”“No.” She said, lips pressed into a thin line. Her gaze moved to Eren’s, her eyes soft. “It’s not okay. I know you get distracted easily, Eren, but you tried your best. Third in the class is an improvement from fifth, but he for some reason doesn’t see it as much. It’s wrong.”A sigh left Eren has he continued to dry the plates. Standing close to his sister, their shoulders almost touched. Even if Mikasa annoyed him, and sometimes made Eren red with anger, she still cared. She still hugged him, and supported Eren when he was upset. It often seemed that she was the only person in Eren’s family who understood him, and for that, he was thankful for her. Despite her over-protectiveness, Eren always did feel safe when Mikasa was around. That is something he had always adored in her, ever since she was adopted six years ago. “Thank you,” Eren said. Later that evening, Eren dragged his tired body up the stairs towards his room. The first room on the left was the bathroom, and then on the right were his parents, Mikasa’s, and his. A small crack of lantern light peeped underneath a door at the end of the hallway, opposite to Eren’s: it was the study.Usually the Reiss family would have left at least an hour ago. Yet tonight was different.Mikasa had offered to let Historia sleep in her bed, as by nine o’clock Grisha and Rod were still in the study. Historia had first declined, saying she will simply tell her father she is going home and walk by herself. But Eren’s mother had interrupted and insisted she stayed the night if her father was going to be late, citing the gang-crimes in Shiganshina lately as the reason.His mother had gone to bed shortly after that. Eren had stayed downstairs, going over his messy school notes for the fifth time that night. The words of his father had stung. When Eren’s mother had kissed the top of his head goodnight, he was glad she didn’t ask to see the notes herself. Or else she would have seen the way they had blurred, damp with fallen teardrops.Eren had reached the end of the hallway and twisted the doorknob to go inside his room when he caught the faint snippets of his father and Rod Reiss’ conversation.He went stiff.
Go inside, close the door – you shouldn’t be listening. That is a private conversation.
But Eren had always been stubbornly curious.Letting his door hang open, he inched towards the study with light steps, breath hitched in the back of his throat. Eren pressed his ear towards the dark oak door, glancing back at the dark hallway for a brief moment to make sure he wasn’t watched.“Those dammed Ackermans,” Rod Reiss said, his voice a low growl.
Who?
“Rod, I need you to do something.”There was the thumping sound, as if someone had hit the desk. Eren pressed his ear further against the door, leaning his entire side against the wood. With each passing second, his pulse gained speed. Beads of anxious sweat rolled down his forehead as Eren sucked in shaking breaths.“I know; I know Grisha. Trust me. But they’re Ackermans, crime and violence runs through their blood. It’ll be difficult to catch them, let alone even hurt them.”"We have an advantage on them, remember? We have..." His father’s voice went quiet towards the end, trailing off into a whisper.A shiver travelled down Eren’s spine. Crime? Violence? Hurt them? What is going on?“Eren.”At the sound of his name, Eren jumped back from the door, twisting around to Mikasa with frightened eyes. Her hair was braided to her side, and a pale blue nightgown covered her skin. Moonlight shone into her room and dimly illuminated the side of her face as she stood in the doorway. Mikasa leaned against it, a confused, concern expression written onto her face.Her brows furrowed as she whispered, “What are you doing?”“N- Nothing,” Eren stuttered out, gulping down the anxious knot in his tightened throat. Her sudden appearance had caused Eren’s heartbeat to thump widely in his chest; cheeks flushed hot at the embarrassment of being caught. Eren quickly rushed out a goodnight to Mikasa before he retreated to his room, closing the door behind him with maybe a little too much force.Lying down in his bed, Eren stared at the ceiling with his hands behind his head. He breathed deeply, his heartbeat still hammering inside him. Cool, night air breezed in through the open window above his bed. His room was dark except for the light of the moon and the stars.It was the first time in the many, many dinners that Rod Reiss has been to that Eren had listened to his father and Rod’s conversation. Whilst his curiosity had always begged Eren to do so, his mother had made it clear to stay away from the study. She had told Eren it was rude to listen to other’s private conversations, and it would be a break of trust.Eren rolled over to his side, wiggling himself under the blankets. I was just curious. It’s not like I listened to their whole conversation, he thought to himself, trying to justify his actions.Their words still were at the front of Eren’s mind. Before tonight, Eren had never heard of a family called the Ackermans. They must have been well-known, however, if both his father and the mayor were gravely concerned about them. All Eren knew now was that they were violent, but his father believed they had some sort of advantage. Whether they meant Eren’s family, Rod Reiss, or Shiganshina – that was unclear.Whatever it was, Eren shouldn’t focus on it. Guilt twisted inside of him. The words that Eren heard were not meant for him. Listening to their conversation was a betrayal of his father’s trust, was it not?
You shouldn’t let them control you.
Eren sighed, snuggling himself closer into the mattress, reaching up to pull his pillow beside him and hold it close, as if it was a person. Even with Historia’s reassurance this afternoon, Eren still kept thinking about what Levi had said. It left him confused. He wasn’t sure what to think of it.Sleep began to overtake him. Eren felt his limbs relax as he sunk into the mattress, the warmth of the blanket soothing any of his worries. The house was quiet, and the only sounds of the street outside were that of the wind. Night had always been so peaceful.Tomorrow I’ll see Levi, Eren thought to himself. A weak, drowsy smile reached his lips.When Eren finally drifted off to sleep, he dreamed of Levi. He dreamed they were at the river, with the sun setting behind him. Levi had held his hand, a small smile curled on his lips as he looked at Eren with ocean-grey eyes and told Eren that he was cute.Later, in the early hours of the morning, there was a loud, blood-curdling scream.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Eren and Levi lay on the grass underneath the bare cherry blossom tree. Sounds of the river behind and the birds above, as well as the occasional sound of a boat engine drifting by on the waters was all Eren could hear. It was Thursday afternoon, and the sun warmed his skin as he laid in a comfortable silence with Levi. When they had met earlier that afternoon, Eren had asked if they could go to the northern side of the river, instead of the southern. Levi agreed and so there they laid, hands barely brushing each other, shoulders side by side, staring up at the clouds that rolled by.Out of the corner of his eye, Levi’s chest rose and fell in deep, steady breaths. Today he wore a light red shirt, with a low collar that exposed his defined collarbones. Eren thought he looked amazing; the red contrasting against Levi’s soft, dark hair and skin tone.It had been a long day. That morning when he woke, Historia and her father had gone. Eren had avoided his father’s gaze when he stepped down to the dining room; it wasn’t too difficult, for he never seemed to look at Eren in the mornings anyway. He was always busy reading the paper, thin glass resting on his nose and sipping on a boiling mug of coffee in silence. Or sometimes when Eren awoke his father would have already left, gone to his day job at Shiganshina Hospital.When Eren had sat at the table and ate breakfast, nobody mentioned Eren’s grades, and Mikasa thankfully didn’t mention that he was standing in the hallway at nine o’clock at night.At school he had struggled to pay attention. Eren often caught himself smiling at nothing, his mind preoccupied with the thought that he would be meeting with Levi. It made his heart leap. Levi was so interesting; Eren kept thinking about him. He wanted to know more about Levi: what is his uncle like? How does he know Isabel and Furlan? Did he like Shiganshina, or did Levi want to travel and see the world like Eren did? Had he already travelled and seen the world? After all, his accent was foreign.Not only did Eren wanted to know the simple things about Levi, there was a growing part of him that wanted to know what made Levi happy. What were the things that made Levi smile, made Levi laugh, and how Eren could do those things for him? It would be a way to repay Levi for offering to help Eren.“You’re quiet. What’s up?” Levi said, ending Eren’s train of thoughts. He turned his head to the side, smiling softly at Eren. “Anything you want to talk about?”“Just… looking at the sky.”“Oh? Do you see that cloud?” Levi said, finger raising up in the air to look at a large, odd shaped white cloud floating above them. “It looks like a dog; don’t you think?”Eren chuckled quietly. “Sort of… Hey, Levi, what things do you like?”“Didn’t you ask me this the other day?”“Well, yeah,” Eren paused. “But I want to… know what makes you happy.”Levi hummed in response, hand falling and laying against his chest. There was a brief, comfortable silence and Eren fiddled with his fingers. The clouds continued to drift by, and there were the sounds of songbirds chirping away in the trees.“A lot of things.” Levi said. “Tea, shades of blues, the violin, you.”His breath hitched in his throat. With wide eyes Eren’s gaze snapped to Levi’s, a heartbeat skipping in his chest at the latter. Eren stuttered, his throat tightening around the weak sounds: “M-me?”“Yeah. You’re cute, and nice. I like hanging out with you… I mean, this is technically our third time. But it’s been lovely. I want to see you more often.” Levi’s lips curled into a small smile.A pink dusted Eren’s cheek as he shyly returned the smile, his heart flipping. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach as Eren replied, “I- I want to see you more often, too! Ah- You’re really interesting. And different from a lot of my other friends, Levi.”“I’m different? How so?”“Oh, well… all the others… I don’t think they really feel like I do. Everyone else seems really happy and okay with having to do what our parents say all the time. But you seem to understand me.” Eren said.“I’ll always understand you, Eren. I want to help you.” Levi said as his hand reached over to intertwine with one of Eren’s, resting against Eren’s chest. The tender action made the heat rise to Eren’s cheeks.He turned his gaze back to the clear sky, watching as the branches of the cherry blossom tree above swayed in the wind. A few reddened and brown leaves fell to the ground, swaying through the air. It was peaceful down by the river’s edge. Not many too people walked past; it must have been nearing five o’clock, and many of the other townsfolk would have already arrived home.Eren did not want to go home just yet. He wanted to stay with Levi, he wanted to hold Levi’s hand a little bit longer and hear Levi talk about everything and anything.“How’s your week been?” Eren asked, wanting to hear Levi’s velvet-like voice once more and to learn all about how he had spent the past few days. “Boring,” Levi said. “Just some small business my uncle and I had to do, but nothing exciting. You?”Eren wanted to ask Levi about the supposed business – Levi had never actually told him what he does for a living – but the question fell short on his tongue. Instead, he turned his attention back towards the clouded blue sky, wondering whether to tell Levi about the conversation he heard last night.
No, that’s private. You weren’t meant to hear anyway.
“We had family friends over. The Reiss family? I think you probably know them,” Eren said.“Isn’t Rod Reiss the town mayor? What is he even doing at your house?”Eren chuckled at Levi’s curiosity. “My parents own the church, remember?”“Ah,” Levi replied, “So your family are close with the Reiss’?”“Yeah. Ever since I was young, they have always come over for dinner. Usually, afterwards, my father and Rod Reiss go up to the study and talk for hours about… things.” Eren mumbled the end, the words his father and Rod had spoken last night flickering across his mind.Whatever Eren had said, it seemed to catch Levi’s attention. Levi rolled over, propping up his elbow to rest his head on his palm. He blocked out the sun in the sky as he leaned over Eren, chest flushed against Eren’s side, knee gently touching Eren’s leg. It made those sparks that Eren had felt on Monday tingle his skin. Levi was warm and firm against him. Eren’s lips had parted with awe and surprise.It wasn’t okay for boys to be this close. If someone was to see them as they walked past, they would assume things. Wrong things. Things that would have both Eren and Levi sent to a doctor.Yet despite his thoughts Eren stayed still. With each passing second the sound of his own heartbeat grew louder, thumping like a drum in his own ears. Levi’s face searched his own, and Eren couldn’t help but notice how twists of blue and grey swirled in Levi’s eyes. It reminded him of frozen lakes in the early spring, where chunks of white ice floated over the deep blue surface. Eren thought they were beautiful; being allured even closer towards Levi, Eren felt like he was sinking into Levi’s gaze.“What things?” Levi said, pulling Eren out of his thoughts.Eren pushed his lips shut, shaking his head slightly, but still keeping his gaze directly on Levi.“You don’t want to tell me?”“It’s private.”“You don’t trust me?”Eren stuttered, feeling his throat tighten. Rationally, Levi was someone Eren had only just met and Eren shouldn’t really trust him too much. Especially not with private information that Eren was not even meant to hear anyway. But Levi was kind, had beautiful eyes and told Eren that he will help him be free. So he sucked in a shaky breath, “I- Levi- I do- Levi, please, move away, if someone sees us-”“We’re not doing anything wrong, Eren. I’m just looking at you.” Levi said.Drawing in a shaky breath Eren tried to calm himself down. We’re not doing anything wrong, he repeated to himself. He’s just looking at me. Every inch of Eren’s face grew red with a warm blush; his hands tingled and his stomach felt as if it was floating, like a hundred butterflies had made their way inside him. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling – Eren liked it, a lot.“What things?” Levi repeated. Eren felt him move closer, and he subconsciously tried pushing himself further into the ground. His breath hitched in his throat. His eyelids dropped. His lips parted further.This was the third time Levi had done something like this – leaned so close to Eren it made him feel almost dizzy with a foreign sensation he didn’t know. Eren doesn’t know why he felt like this, for it’s something he’d never experienced before. But he liked it. Eren wondered if Levi felt the same.If I tell him, Eren began to think to himself. It’s not like it matters that much. Levi doesn’t know my father, and he only knows Rod Reiss as the mayor. Besides… what they said…“They were talking about some… family, I think,” Eren let out a croaky whisper. His heart leaped at the way Levi smiled, as if telling him to continue. “My father… he asked Rod to do something. Rod said… crime and violence ran through their blood, and it’d be hard to catch them, and harder to hurt them… but then my father said they have an advantage. I… I don’t know what he said after that.”“Did you hear the family name?” Levi said softly, voice low. Eren felt fingertips brush over his chest, drawing large circles as Levi looked at him. Eren almost shuddered at the feeling.“Ackerman.”Levi’s eyes narrowed slightly, eyebrows creasing as he stopped the circling of his fingers. His tone was calm and low. “I see. They said they have an advantage over this family?”Eren gulped, nodding slightly up at Levi.“Thank you for telling me, Eren.”For the second time, Eren felt his heart leap in his chest. He smiled hazily at Levi, eyes flickering to Levi’s plump and pink lips for a brief moment. Levi smirked down at him, and Eren could almost feel himself sigh at the action. Whatever feeling this was… Eren never wanted it to stop.“Do you want me to move away?”“No,” Eren whispered, voice cracking. “We’re not doing anything wrong.”Levi chuckled at that. Eventually, Levi did move away, but only to lie on the side on the ground; his right palm pressed under his head to act as a barrier between the hard ground, his left arm resting on Eren’s chest. He continued to touch Eren’s chest lightly, the action creating sparks and tingles across Eren’s skin. Every few moments he would press his hand flat against Eren’s chest, feeling Eren’s rapid heartbeat beneath it.If Levi thought anything odd of Eren’s beating heat, he did not say anything.Colours of pink and orange with tinges of blue painted the town as the setting sun began to dip below the horizon. Eren had heard the clock tower strike five o’clock a few minutes ago, and he knows that his parents will be expecting him home soon. But Eren only wanted to stay here, with the warmth of Levi to his side, and to watch the stars above with him.“You have such pretty eyes,” Levi spoke into the silence. Eren’s breath hitched.“Thank you. I- You- You have- pretty eyes, too,” Eren almost mumbled a reply, cheeks dusting with a shade of pale pink. He licked his lips, gaze still locked on the sunset above.Levi chuckled, “Do I? Nobody’s ever told me that.”“I’ve never… never seen eyes like yours.” Eren turned his head to face Levi’s. “You… you… you’re-”His throat ran dry; his pulse beating rapidly within him. Levi watched him, waiting, as Eren took in a shaky breath. Just a compliment, remember? Like Levi said. Breathe, you’re fine.“You’re beautiful.” Eren rushed it out, biting his lip as he watched Levi smile slightly.“Not as beautiful as you.”
Oh.
And there it was, the familiar warmth inside him, the rush at Levi’s words. Eren shyly turned away, hiding his smile, hiding his blush. He could hear Levi laugh quietly again, and felt the way Levi’s hands pressed flat against Eren’s chest. Eren knew Levi could feel his racing heart. A part of Eren wanted him too. He wanted Levi to see what his words did to him, how his words made his stomach fill with the sensation of fluttering butterflies, made his skin tingle, made his heart beat so quickly inside.Maybe then, Levi could tell Eren what was wrong with him.There was a shuffling sound as Levi leaned in closer, his left hand reaching up to grab Eren’s jaw and gently turn his head towards the sky. It left Eren in shock, and when Levi moved in and pressed his lips gently to Eren’s cheek, he couldn’t help the slight yelp that left his throat. They lingered for only a moment, soft and gentle.“L- Levi…” He whispered out as Levi retreated, resting his hand back again on top of Eren’s beating heart. Eren stared with wide eyes at the sky, not daring to look back at Levi. His breaths were slow and shaky. The skin that Levi touched burned and tingled with a foreign sensation.It was okay for Eren to give compliments to other boys, that he had learned from Levi. Yet Eren was positive that it was not okay for boys to kiss each other’s cheeks. It was a sinful thing to do. Levi had done it on Monday, Eren now certain that it wasn’t him simply imagining it. Yet that, he thought, was just his mind playing tricks. However, this was not his mind playing tricks. This was real.
Boys shouldn’t be kissing other boy’s cheeks.
“We… Don’t… Don’t do that…”“Why not?” Levi said, amused.“Because, Levi... we’re boys.”“Does your mother kiss your cheek?”Eren almost curved to look at him, eyebrows furrowing at the statement. Of course Eren’s mother kisses his cheek. But that’s Eren’s mother. This is Levi. Eren’s known him for barely a week. He’s also a boy, a strange boy who makes Eren feel all weird inside and his cheeks go red.“Yes, but-”“Then why can’t I?” Levi interrupted him. Eren gave in, turning his head towards where Levi laid. They were even closer now; Eren could feel Levi’s breath. “It’s just kissing your cheek, Eren. It’s a normal thing for boys to do our age.”Eren’s eyes widened. “But my friends don’t do it to me. Especially not my boy friends.”A chuckle left Levi’s lips. “I’m a little older then you, silly. Maybe not at that young, but in a few years’ time, I promise you. It’s perfectly normal for boys to be like this with each other.”He was still confused, but Eren sighed and nodded slightly. Levi was older then him, so he knew more. Eren trusted him. Levi seemed nice. Levi seemed interesting and cool, and he thought Eren was beautiful and cute and thinks his eyes are pretty. Levi is eighteen, Eren thought to himself. I’m only fifteen. He knows more about the world then me.“Do you trust me Eren?” Levi said into the silence.Eren nodded, more confidently this time. A smile fell across his face. “Of course.”“So you believe me,” Levi leaned closer, “when I say this is a normal thing for boys to do? You know I would never lie to you, Eren.”A breathless yes left Eren’s lips. His heart skipped a beat. The blush felt hot on his cheeks.“Kiss my cheek then. Prove it.”Eren didn’t hesitate too much at the request. This is Levi, he repeated to himself in his head. He would never lie to me. I trust him. Eren wanted to make Levi happy, he wanted to prove to Levi that he trusted him, that he believed him. This was an act of trust.He moved forward, watching as Levi’s pretty eyes fluttered closed, and pressed his lips against Levi’s cheeks. They were warm and soft. Eren’s eyes closed too, and he pressed a little harder. Eren could feel the butterflies inside him return, he could feel the way his chest tightened. When Eren pulled back, and opened his eyes, Levi’s grey ones gazed back at him.“Did I do it right?” Eren whispered, voice shaky.Levi smirked."You did so well, Eren, I'm so happy that you trust me." The warmth returned again. As Eren laid in bed that evening, he stared at the ceiling with a hazy smile, thoughts filled with ones about Levi. When he had left the park at the river, Levi had asked him to meet with him tomorrow afternoon. Instead of Eren asking, it was Levi, and for some reason it made Eren feel a rush of happiness. It left him wondering what they would be doing tomorrow. Eren hoped it was to something to do with Levi's personal life. He wanted to know more about him.Today he and Levi seemed to have become a little closer. Levi was teaching him new things, and he was able to prove his trust to Levi. Eren had never felt the rush he experienced when he kissed Levi on the cheek. It was not the same as giving his mother a good-bye kiss; it was different. After the first time, after Levi had said that he had made him so happy, Eren did it again. Multiple times, over and over, on each of Levi's cheeks, leaving him with such a rush he felt like giggling. Each time Levi simply looked at him with his beautiful smile and his beautiful eyes and it made Eren blush so deeply. He wondered if his father ever kissed a boy's cheek when he was younger. Levi had said it was something boy's do often at his age. Whilst Eren had never experienced or seen such a thing occur, he told himself it was simply because Levi is older than him. Levi would never lie to him, anyway. He said so himself.For the second night in a row, Eren dreamed of Levi.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Mother, please!” Eren begged with his mother’s hand in his, and looking down at her with puppy eyes. It was three thirty on Friday afternoon, he had planned to meet with Levi at four o’clock, but his mother was currently very stern on not letting him ‘visit the library’. He stood in the dining room, holding his mother in place, school bag still thrown over his shoulder and shoes still tied on his feet. Eren’s mother, Carla, simply shook her head again, wisps of black hair falling over her eyes, a slight frown placed upon her lips.“I told you Eren, no. Why can’t you simply study here this afternoon?”“Why can’t I study at the library?”“Because I said so!” His mother raised her voice. It caught Eren off guard as he took a step backwards, letting his mother hand’s go. Her eyebrows had furrowed deeply at him, a small line forming between them, and she roughly put her hands on her hips. “Did you not listen to what I said this morning?”A sigh escaped Eren’s lips. That’s why she won’t let me go.Yesterday, a body was found in the river at the far northern end, which was far past the docks and boats and cut off from Shiganshina by a thick band of evergreen trees surrounding it. Usually people would go for morning walks through the forest, picking mushrooms and wild berries, or to reach the secluded section of the riverside. Eren remembers going there when he was younger to swim.In the morning paper his father had read that the body was mutilated. There were no arms, crushed eye-sockets, tendons of the legs were cut and there were serious burns on the leg. When the body was found it was blue, cold and bloated, indicating that it had been there for at least a day or more.The body belonged to that of a woman: Traute Caven, a former member of the Military Police who worked in the government building that the mayor, Rod Reiss, resided mainly in. Military police had stated that this was not a random killing; this was death via torture.Eren knew that was the reason why his mother wanted him to stay home that afternoon. Yet, his desire to see Levi outweighed that of the fact a body was found in the river at this end of town. It’s not like murders never happened. Besides, if what the newspaper said was true than why is Eren’s mother worried? Eren is not part of the military police and nor are any of his family members.Eren wasn’t heartless. The news did leave him a little anxious, as it would anyone if a murder happened in an area of town close to where you lived, but he told himself that he’ll be with Levi. Levi was older and Eren would be lying if he had not noticed Levi’s muscular and strong arms over the past few days that they have met up with each other. Levi could protect him, right?If I just push her a little more, Eren thought. Then she’ll let me do what I want.“Please mother. It’s just the library, I’ll be home before the sun sets and there are plenty of people around. I won’t be in danger,” Eren was begging now, his tone verging on that of a whine. “I- I have to do some research, for a school project, and I can’t do that at home.”He heard his mother sigh, watching as she ran a hand over her braided hair, shaking her head slightly.“Fine, Eren! Just go then! Don’t you dare be late home.”A smile broke across Eren’s face as he leaned forward, pressing a quick kiss to his mother’s cheek. “I promise mother, I’ll be home at five thirty and not a minute late!”Eren dropped his school bag at the front door before rushing off, leaving his mother to stare at the place where her son stood moments before with a look of confusion.“Why are you leaving your schoolbag here if you’re studying…” She muttered to herself. As per usual, the town square was alive with people. Many people would be celebrating the end of the working week by going to local restaurants and bars for the evening. Eren had always wanted to do that: to visit a restaurant with his family, to enjoy dinner, to simply talk and have a fun time. But Eren’s mother always insisted on cooking dinner at home, and his father was always working late during the week at the doctor’s office. So Eren couldn’t remember the last time they went out as a family for a meal. It would have been before Mikasa was adopted, but the memory is forgotten.Light was fading earlier than it had been in the past few months. Winter was approaching, and at only four o’clock, Shiganshina was already dusted with the warm colours of a lowering sun. When Eren skipped up to Levi at the southern archway a smile pushed up his pink cheeks. Levi wore a dark grey shirt with rolled up sleeves; his hands pushed into the pockets of dark navy jeans.“Eren,” Levi cocked his head to the side, raising an eyebrow when Eren reached him. A smirk played on his lips, “You seem so excited.”He simply nodded at Levi, Eren’s heart leaping at the way Levi chuckled up at him. “Let’s go, then. I want you to meet my friends. One of them runs a café, I think you’ll like it.”Not even bothering to ask more, Eren followed Levi as they walked through the southern archway, pushing past the opposing crowd that went towards it. Levi asked Eren many questions: how his day was, how his family were, and finally how Eren was feeling that day.It brought Eren back to reality as he realised that he had once again followed Levi into the southern side of the town. He’d been too busy skipping along, loving the way little sparks danced across his skin when their hands would brush against each other that Eren had not even bothered to notice they’d already walked two streets back from the entrance.Eyes darted around him and Eren realised he had no idea where he was. He stood on his toes, but couldn’t even see the archway over the dark-oak and stone bricked houses, despite being on a hill.Eren’s heart sank as he stopped abruptly in the middle of the hilled-road, gaze falling to the ground. He listened as Levi walked a few steps ahead of him, not realising he had stopped walking.“Levi…” Eren said. Levi twisted back around to him, furrowing his eyebrows when Eren didn’t move. “My parents don’t want me this far on the other side of town. You know this, right?”Shuffling footsteps reached his ears as Levi moved towards Eren until he was right in front of him. Eren watched through lowered eyes as Levi placed a singular finger on Eren’s chin, pushing his head up from the ground to look at Levi. Where his finger touched the skin felt warm, and Eren knew that he was blushing again. It made him feel insecure as his eyes looked anywhere but Levi’s stare.“Look at me, Eren.”Levi’s stern words spoke into the silence and Eren couldn’t help but listen to him, eyes locking with Levi’s blue-grey ones; Levi dropped the finger on his chin when he did.“Remember what I said, at the river?”Eren nodded a response.“Don’t let them control you. This is not their life. It’s yours.”I know, Eren thought to himself, gulping down the childish whine in his throat as his eyes fell to the ground again, breaking away from Levi’s gaze. It’s my life, but… they only want the best for me.He didn’t want to disobey his parents. He simply wanted to be able to do what he wished for once in a while. After every time Eren has visited Levi, he had to pray to his God that night to forgive him. Yet even after praying, Eren still felt so remorseful.All Eren wanted to do was be free.Taking in a deep breath, Eren let out a disheartened sigh. His attention shifted back to Levi. “I know… but they’re my parents! I mean, I know how to push my mother a little sometimes… but completely disobeying them is different Levi! I- I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”Eren’s voice had rose a little as he curled his fists at his side, the insecure tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. “You do whatever you want, and you know so much more about this world then I do. I’m just stupid, Levi! And nobody understands! Nobody understands because everyone else always seems to just be so happy doing what their parents want but not me! I’m sick of it!I don’t know how- how I’m meant to be free like you! I want to be free! I want to be like you!”Tears fell down his blushed cheeks, his fists shaking by his side. Eren shut his eyes closed, ready to hear Levi yell at him, to tell him to grow up and to stop being so childish. It is what his father and mother would have done if they were here. Eren was a boy, he shouldn’t be crying like a little child.Wrecked sobs left him as his shoulders shook and Eren turned his head down in shame.
Crying in front of Levi, just after you told him he inspires you? Pathetic.
Warm, strong arms wrapped around his waist. Eren opened his eyes as his heart skipped a beat at the sudden feeling. One of Levi’s hand was on his lower back, pulling him closer. The other was laced in Eren’s brown locks, stroking his head softly.“It’s okay, Eren.” Levi said as he gently pushed Eren down towards his shoulder. All the air in Eren’s lungs seemed to evaporate. Still and quiet Eren stood, eyes wide open in surprise.
A hug? Why?
Levi’s embrace was warm, and even though Levi was a little shorter then Eren – the tip of his head only just reaching Eren’s nose – he felt so strong, and so… safe. Eren gave up all shame, ignoring the rapid beating of his heart and burying his head into the crook of Levi’s neck. His arms slowly silked their way around Levi’s smaller waist and let Levi pull him even closer till their chests were pressed together. Eren was thankful they were in the back streets and out of sight. It was only Eren and Levi.Salt from the tears could be felt on Eren’s tongue. Never in Eren’s life had he been embraced so warmly and openly like this by another boy. His father never hugged him, and his hugs with Armin were quick and definitely not as close as this. The sound of Levi’s steady pulse thumped in his ears as Eren’s head laid on his chest. Levi took calm, deep breaths, his fingers running through Eren’s hair and gently massaging his scalp in a comforting manner. A sweet, subtle smell of vanilla that Eren had learned to associate with Levi allured him in a little more.“Shh, shh. There, cry, let it all out Eren.”Eren tried to mumble an apology into Levi’s neck, but he was told by Levi’s soft voice to not apologise for crying and those words made Eren’s heart almost ache. It ached because Levi has known Eren for so little, and yet he seemed to know how to comfort Eren better than anyone else in his life. Even Mikasa’s hugs felt empty at times, as if it was more of a duty as a sibling to comfort Eren. Levi felt sincere, and the way he whispered so softly to him made Eren want to stay in his embrace forever, surrounded by his warmth and security.“Do you still want to go to the café with me?”Eren nodded.“Come with me, Eren. Don’t tell your mother or your father. You parents won’t understand, but I will, Eren.” He felt Levi press a kiss to the top of his head, and Eren pushed his body closer, wanting to be fully in his embrace. “I will always understand you, even though nobody else does.”
Levi will always understand me.
“But I feel so guilty,” Eren croaked out, hands fisting the back of Levi’s shirt, shoulders shuddering as he let out another hiccupped sob. “It’s a sin, it’s all a sin Levi, everything we’re doing.”Breaths became harder to take in as his chest grew tight. Eren should push away from Levi, wipe his tears, apologise to his parents, and pray to the Lord for forgiveness. Instead Eren lets Levi hold him a little tighter, and lets Levi press another kiss to the tip of his head.“Eren, if it’s a sin, then why do you feel so good when we do?” Levi said, pulling back to hold Eren’s blushing cheeks in his hands. Levi brushed the tears off of Eren’s cheeks with his thumb. Eren’s glassy eyes fluttered closed as he leaned into the touch, letting the comforting warmth of Levi pull him in, as if coating him with a thick blanket of security and relief.He didn’t know why it felt so good. Eren’s parents had always made it clear that sinning was awful, that Eren would feel awful when he sinned. Yet it didn’t. Other than the guilt, Eren liked it. The tingles in his skin, the warmth he felt, the way his heart leapt whenever Levi was around... It made Eren want to smile with the sheer happiness it gave him.“I’ve told you, Eren. We aren’t doing anything wrong.” Levi said, leaning closer. There was a soft kiss against Eren’s cheek. “They’ll try to tell you we are, but don’t believe them. Don’t let them control your life. Don’t let them make you feel like you’re wrong for wanting to be like this with me,”The warmth returned. It spread throughout his body as Levi pressed another kiss, a little further away from Eren’s ear this time. Levi’s hands had moved to rest on Eren’s neck. If Eren opened his eyes he could probably count the individual eyelashes, see every swirl of deep blue and grey-ice in Levi’s ices and the faint, dusted freckles that coated his nose.
We aren't doing anything wrong. We aren't doing anything wrong. We aren't doing anything wrong.
“Do you like it,” Levi pressed another kiss again, this time so close to the corner of Eren’s mouth that he almost let out a gasp, his toes curling in his shoes, his hands gripping at the back of Levi’s shirt again. “When I do this to you?”Eren’s heart skipped a beat. All he could do was nod, unable to form the words on his tongue. “Good.” Levi said, pulling back away. Eren opened his eyes, seeing Levi take a step back and all he wanted to do was to wrap Levi’s arms around him again. Eren had never realised that a simple hug could feel so comforting.“Still okay to visit the café? I told my friends about you. They want to meet you, Eren.”A small smile curled his lips and Eren eagerly nodded. His throat still felt tight from crying; if he spoke, Eren was sure his voice would crack.At the thought of meeting Levi’s friends, the people who may have known him for years made Eren’s heart flutter in his chest. Levi thought Eren was important enough to introduce to his friends.
I won’t let them control me anymore. We aren’t doing anything wrong.
Eren let Levi take his hand, and they continued to walk up the hill. Eren’s hand was still intertwined with Levi’s when they reached the doorsteps of the café.It had a stone bricked base with light wooden walls and wide, clear-glassed windows. Above the doors hung a large sign that stuck out from the wall. It swayed in the slight breeze with the words, ‘Hanji’s Coffee and Cakes’ painted in thick black lettering on it. Underneath the rectangular glass windows sat a small garden bed with tiny white daisies growing out from dark soil.A little bell rang throughout the shop as Levi pushed open the door, and he dropped Eren’s hand. Stepping inside, Eren was engulfed in warmth and the smell of coffee beans and vanilla icing. A grin fell across his face as his eyes darted around, taking in his surroundings.Under the windows were red-cushioned booths. Various small light wooden tables scattered around the café, contrasting to the dark oak panels that lined the floor. On the far wall to Eren’s right was the menu, painted straight onto a blackboard that hung. To the wall on his left was a burning stone fireplace, explaining the warmth inside the café. In front of Eren was the counter with stools, and behind it Eren could see the rows of cakes and baked goods that sat lined on wooden shelves.At the counter stood a woman slightly taller than Eren. When the pair walked in, her face had gone wide with a smile, and she straightened herself up from where she previously leaned against the bench. Her hair was a red-brown, tied up in a ponytail. Glasses framed her angular face, and she wore a dark blue apron over a white collared tee shirt. At the stools at the counter sat who Eren recognised to be Isabel and Furlan, the two other customers from when Levi and Eren first met.“Levi! How I’ve missed you,” the woman called, reaching out to slap Levi’s shoulder lightly as he pulled out a stool to sit down. “It’s been so long!”“A day, Hanji. It’s been a day.”Eren followed awkwardly behind Levi, standing off to his side, hands fidgeting together. He gave a nervous smile to the woman – Hanji – whose eyes went wide as she glanced towards Eren.“You must be Eren! Levi’s told me about you. The cute church boy, right?”Isabel let out a muffled laugh at the comment, and Eren felt his cheeks flush with heat. He tried to mutter out a reply, a thank you, anything. Yet the sounds kept falling short on Eren’s tongue, and he ended up only stuttering before closing his mouth and giving Hanji a simple nod instead.
Levi called me a cute church boy?
“Ah, he is adorable, look at his cheeks Levi! I could almost-” Hanji leaned over the bench towards Eren and pinched each of his cheeks, prompting a small yelp out of him, “-pinch his little cheeks!”“Come on Hanji, don’t scare him.” Levi pushed Hanji’s hands away slightly, before curving in his seat to look where Eren still stood. A small smile curled on his lips. “You can sit, you know.”At Levi’s words, Eren grabbed the stool beside him and quickly sat down. His gaze was at the ground, feet barely touching the floor, his hands twiddling in his lap. Eren had no idea what to say. In comparison to Furlan and Isabel who live with Levi, and Hanji, who on the walk Levi had said he’d known for seven years, Eren felt very out of place.Levi must have noticed Eren’s nervousness, for he leaned closer and whispered in his ear: “Don’t feel shy. They’ll like you, I promise. Hanji already thinks you’re adorable, anyway.”Eren felt his heart warm at the comment as he gave Levi a weak smile.“Eren, you’ve already met Hanji, who owns this café. Sorry about her pinching your cheeks,” Levi continued, this time speaking towards the group. Hanji let out a little giggle at the way Levi introduced her, wiggling her fingers at Eren. Levi leaned back in his stool so Eren could see the pair beside him. “And this is Isabel and Furlan, who I’ve already told you about.”Isabel had the same piggy-tail hairstyle as Sunday. When she gave Eren a wide grin, he noticed her dark green eyes and toothy smile. Levi rubbed her hair as she did so, provoking her to glare at him with a scowl, something that made Eren chuckle softly. Furlan sat on the other side, blond fringe resting above bold blue eyes. He simply gave a small wave in Eren’s direction and a muttered ‘hello’, before returning to read the newspaper that laid on the counter in front of him.When Levi glanced back at Eren with a raised brow, as if asking him how he felt, Eren smiled. When Levi returned the smile Eren’s heart skipped a beat. Levi was truly beautiful; soft black hair, a gentle smile, stunning eyes… if it was acceptable, Eren would be joyed to simply gaze at Levi for hours. He was unique in his features. Black hair-blue eyes was a rare combination in Shiganshina.“Look at them. They’re adorable! Now I want to pinch both of their cheeks.”“Truly. Levi looks so gentle for once! Imagine how Eren will react when he finds out Levi-”Eren was pulled out of his daydream by the sound of Levi slapping a hand over Isabel’s mouth, and the mixed laughter of Furlan and Hanji filling his ears. He looked at Levi with a confused face, but when Levi told him not to worry, Eren let it go. Whatever it was, it didn’t seem to matter. “Levi, you should have been there. Isabel was so drunk,” Furlan sucked in a shaky breath, as if trying to hold back his laughter. He was in the middle of telling Levi about a party that Isabel and himself had went to on Wednesday night.Over the past twenty minutes Eren had become a lot more comfortable, learning quite a bit about Isabel, Furlan and Hanji. Isabel was seventeen and had been living with Levi since she was fourteen for a reason Eren was hesitant to ask. Furlan was the same age as Levi, only a month older. Hanji, however, was twenty-one. She was the oldest out of everyone, and had met Levi when he was only twelve. Levi had told Eren that Hanji used to work for his uncle, still doing ‘small jobs’ occasionally, but now mostly runs the café.Furlan finally seemed to gather himself, raising a small finger to signal that he was about to speak again. Eren watched silently with a small smile, finding the way Furlan spoke with wide gestures and expressive faces amusing. “She fucking fell in the bathtub, whilst clothed, and tried to turn it on.”Laughter filled the empty café. Hanji was almost snorting, her face red, banging the counter and letting out a slight wheeze. Isabel snickered beside Furlan, turning to look at Levi with a raised brow as if asking him how he thought about the situation. Levi simply let out a chuckle, shaking his head as if disappointed, but Eren could still see the smile tugging at his lips.Eren wasn’t really focused on the story though. He sat in his seat, shoulders a little tense. They didn’t seem to question Furlan’s choice of words, yet to Eren’s ears it was a word that he had rarely heard. It was only something that he had heard his friend, Jean, say once; when he had stabbed the corner of his toe against the school chair, and screamed the word very loud in class. (He had received three days’ detention afterwards, and Mr Pyxis had rigorously told the class that the word was banned.)Hanji seemed to have noticed Eren’s quietness, for she cocked her head to the side in a way so similar to Levi and asked: “Is everything okay, Eren?” “Do… do you always say those… those vulgar words? The one before you said she fell in the bathtub…” Eren said slowly, nervous eyes glancing over to Furlan who looked at him with utter confusion. He didn’t want to make Furlan or anyone angry. His stomach coiled inside him, leaving Eren fidgeting in his seat. A silence fell over the group.Levi’s attention turned to him, eyebrows furrowed, lips pressed thinly together. Their gazes met. He wondered if Levi was confused, or angry, even. These were his closest friends and it probably was not Eren’s place to say such a thing like that. It’s been clear, ever since Eren walked into the café that Levi’s friends – and Levi himself – were different from anyone else Eren knows; Eren shouldn’t feel surprised that they would speak words like that. His thumbs twiddled in his lap as he lowered his eyes. Does Levi speak like that, Eren asked himself, when I’m not around him?He didn’t expect Hanji to let out a laugh at his question, with Isabel and Furlan joining her. A dark blush coated Eren’s cheeks as he looked up at her, a feeling of disbelief rushing over him. What?“Oh, he really is so innocent isn’t he,” Hanji laughed, shaking her head before looking at Eren with crinkled eyes, lips wide with a toothy smile. “It’s okay Eren! Yeah, we do say those words. Don’t feel bad for asking us a question. None of us here mind. You look like you’re about to start crying.”“I’m not!” Eren replied defensively, slapping his hands on the counter, mouth falling open. Even though Levi had comforted him earlier, it was still a little bit embarrassing to have cried. Isabel, Furlan and Hanji all are really, really cool. I don’t want them to think that I’m a cry-baby.“It’s not a bad word, Eren,” Levi said. Eren’s breath hitched in his throat when he abruptly felt Levi’s hand on his lower thigh. Eren’s eyes went wide and he gripped the edge of the counter with his hands, mouth pressing close and ignored the way Hanji snickered. Eren could hear the trio start to engage in conversation and he wondered if they saw, if they knew, what they were thinking.Warmth spread throughout Eren’s body at Levi’s touch as his hand began to inch a little further up. A part of Eren was telling him to push Levi’s hand away, to yell at him for touching him on his thigh, of all areas. Boys do not touch other boys like this, it was sinful to do so.
Don’t let them make you feel like you’re wrong for wanting to be like this with me.
Levi’s voice echoed in his mind and Eren let himself relax, let Levi’s hand inch up his thigh a little more, let himself enjoy the strange emotions that washed over him. The thoughts that screamed in his head that this was all wrong and sinful were pushed to the back of his mind.We aren’t doing anything wrong, Eren repeated to himself, over and over. It was just a hand, that’s all. It was just Levi trying to comfort Eren, in the strange and wonderful ways that he did so.“I’ve always been told it was,” Eren mumbled a reply. His white knuckles loosened his grip on the counter as Eren sucked in shaky, deep breaths. Each rapid heartbeat pounded against his chest.When Hanji had asked Isabel and Furlan to visit the back of the store, Eren could barely even focus on it. When Hanji winked at them before the three pushed their way through the swinging doors at the back of the café, Eren couldn’t even think about why it was odd of her to do that. When Levi and Eren were left alone in the café, all Eren could think about was Levi.“It’s just words, Eren, simply words.”“But my mother and father said it was immoral to speak words like that.”“They’re lying,” Levi whispered, and Eren almost leaned into his touch when he pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, loving the way the sparks pulsed throughout his body from the sensation. “They’ve been controlling you your entire life, Eren. Don’t listen to them.”“Do you say things like that?” Eren said, eyes fluttering close when Levi pressed another kiss to his cheek and hummed a reply. Lord, forgive me, Eren thought to himself. This feels so nice.When Levi’s hands reached Eren’s upper thigh, his fingers brushed slightly against an area that Eren had been told was intimate and sacred, only to be touched after marriage. A small yelp escaped him as he felt his entire body shudder, his hands back to gripping the counter, his knuckles bone-white. “Fuck,” Levi breathed out, pressing another kiss to Eren’s burning cheek, “Didn’t realise you were so sensitive. You’re shaking, and I’ve barely even touched you.”“W- What’s going on? What… what are you doing, L-Levi?” Eren stuttered.Levi chuckled, his hand giving a slight squeeze to Eren’s thigh before letting his hand finally drop. “Just showing you a situation that people would say those sort of words, Eren.”Eren muttered out a breathy okay, looking up to give Levi a small smile, trying to show him that he was thankful that he was teaching Eren so many new things. Even if those things made Eren feel like he was burning up, even if it made Eren feel like he couldn’t breathe at all.“S-So it’s okay to say those words, Levi?”“Like I said, Eren. It’s just words.”Eren paused. He wanted to argue, wanted to tell Levi that he wasn’t sure for his parents and any adult around him had always made it clear that those words were banned and not to be said. But Levi wouldn’t lie to me, Eren thought to himself. He said my parents are lying. He said they’re controlling me. I trust Levi, right? He understands me. He wouldn’t lie. It’s just words.A sudden rush pulsed through Eren at the realisation. He looked up to Levi through his lashes, small smile playing on his lips, and let out a small giggle: “Oh, okay. Uh- Ah… o-fucking-kay.”With a wide smile he watched the way Levi let out a loud, full laugh, his cheeks pushing up to crinkle the corners of his eyes. Levi looked so pretty, so happy, so carefree when he laughed, and the sound of it and the way Levi’s lips had curved up into a grin made Eren’s heart flip in his chest. He wanted to make Levi happy. He wanted to hear his laugh every day. “I guess I have to teach you how to swear, but good try at least. You’re adorable.”“I guess you do,” Eren hummed, feeling his stomach be filled with butterflies at his next chosen words: “And I’m not as adorable as you.”When Eren was around Levi, he felt happy. Levi would never lie to him, Levi will always understand Eren, and Levi was a person that Eren trusted. Together, Eren would be able to finally be free.Hanji, Isabel and Furlan returned back to the front of the café a few minutes later. For the rest of the time, the group talked about memories of their little adventures together, and asked Eren all about his life. Isabel and Furlan said they worked with Levi and his uncle, who Eren had learned was named Kenny. When Eren asked with curious eyes what sort of work they do, neither of them answered, their eyes dancing to Levi as if waiting for his orders.“Just small jobs, whatever people want us to do.” Levi said.“Oh!” Eren raised his brows, a look of understanding in his expression. “So you’re like mechanics? Carpenters? Or… something like that. People who help others out, right?”It wasn’t Levi who replied, but Hanji, an underlying tone to her voice that Eren couldn’t quite decipher, her eyes narrowed slightly. “You could say that.”Later on, Isabel had said Eren looked like he’s never even had a drink in his life, which prompted to ask Isabel why she was getting drunk when she’s underage, which then resulted in Furlan scoffing and saying, “It’s because she’s a fucking brat.”“That’s my word, brat.”“Hey!” Furlan pointed at Levi, a sly smile on his lips. “You can’t claim words.”“Yes I can, brat.”“Do you always call people brats?” Eren interrupted, “You’ve never called me a brat.”“That’s because you’re Eren, his cute little church boy that he met on Sunday. Give him time, Eren. He’ll be calling you a brat soon enough.” Hanji said, and ducked when Levi leaned over to where Furlan sat, picking up the newspaper in front of him and throwing it at her head. Her loud, deep laugh filled the air as she gave a quick wink to Eren, who sat in his seat biting back a laugh.“Okay, stop saying brat. It doesn’t even feel like a word now.” Isabel mumbled, smirking at the way Levi rolled his eyes at her, resting his arm on the bench. Eren watched as Levi reached up and ruffled her hair, letting out a low chuckle when she slapped his hand away with a smile.“But seriously, Eren,” Isabel continued, “You need to get at least tipsy with me one time. I’m curious to see how you are when you’re drunk. I reckon’ you’re one of those loved up drunks.”“Oh, I don’t drink, I’m only fifteen,” Eren muttered, diverting his gaze. The only time he has ever had alcohol was red wine in church, but it was only a sip, and for religious reasons. If Eren wanted to drink, he would have to wait until he was the legal age of twenty.“Pft, so? I started drinking at fourteen.”“I- Well-” Eren lifted his head up, creasing his brows at imagining that Isabel had started drinking at fourteen, something very illegal in Shiganshina, “I don’t think I’d like the taste of alcohol anyway.”“We can try some now, Hanji has some in the back room.” Isabel replied swiftly.“Yeah, I do actually-”“Stop.” It was Levi who spoke, interrupting Hanji who had already began to turn to presumably grab whatever alcohol she had. She raised an eyebrow at Levi, who tapped the countertop lightly, his hand moving to rest on Eren’s lower back. Eren was grateful for him, and gave him a shy smile, leaning into his touch. Levi continued, “If he doesn’t want to drink now, he doesn’t have to.”Eren muttered a thank you, watching with confusion when Levi stole a glance at him and winked. The action made Eren’s heart flutter, a slight gasp falling from his lips. There was a slight smirk on Levi’s face. It made Eren want to lean into him, touch his skin, thoughts that left Eren bewildered at the fact that he was actually thinking something like that. Is it normal? He wondered to himself.“Besides, I’m sure there’ll be a time when we can all see Eren drunk. But maybe not today. Give him time, he’s only just realising that it’s okay to say the word fuck, after all.”Eren blushed deeply at that and the way the others seemed to laugh at Levi’s comments. He wondered what Levi meant by there would be a time that they’d all see Eren drunk. But when Levi flashed a grin in his direction, all Eren’s thoughts melted away, and all he could focus on was how the light of the setting sun outside painted the side of Levi’s face with golden colours.Even Levi’s friends are different than anyone else I know, Eren thought to himself.Armin was his best friend, but he was a lot quieter and definitely would freak at the knowledge that someone was underage drinking. Though he made funny jokes, and has made Eren laugh so hard he’s been in tears and at loss of breath, there was still something that made Isabel, Furlan and Hanji so unalike him. They talked about underage drinking – an illegal act – as if it was completely normal.The brief thought of, I should probably tell the police, crossed Eren’s mind. But Levi didn’t seem too fazed, and even though he had not said it himself, Eren knew that Levi probably had drank alcohol before as well. So, Eren decided, if Levi did not care about the underage drinking, then neither would Eren. Levi knew more than him anyway. He would know whether it’s right or wrong, not Eren.After pondering to himself for a while, watching as the four people before him talked and laughed with each other, Eren came to the conclusion that the reason they are so unalike because they were free. They did want, said what they want, and didn’t seem to care. Hanji, Isabel and Furlan were just like Levi in that sense. Freedom was a feeling that Eren had yearned for his whole life; he was tired of feeling trapped in the cage that his parents… and perhaps even his religion, too, put around him.It’s okay, Eren thought. I won’t let them control me anymore. Levi will help me be free. The sun had set completely when Eren tore himself away from the conversation, heart racing as he realised it would be far past five-thirty by now. It was dark, with the only light in the street being from the café inside and the bright moon above. Eren hadn’t even noticed that at this far into the southern side of the city he would not be able to hear the clock-tower.As anxious tears started to fall, Eren’s hands began to shake. Eren rushed out a goodbye with trembling lips and a thank-you for the company before he hurriedly headed out of the front door with a racing heart.He didn’t stay long enough to hear Isabel, Furlan and Hanji’s confused farewells, and didn’t hear the way Levi’s chair scraped along the floor as he followed after him.Eren was sprinting down the street, the cool night air rushing past his skin. His mother and father would be absolutely furious with him, and Eren had to get home now. He was foolish for becoming so caught up in the conversions with Levi and his friends to not even notice the time. Tears blurred Eren’s sight as he realised his parents would probably scream at him tonight, and not allow him to see Levi (or go to the library as they believed), for at least a week, maybe more.Now that Eren had to go home alone in the dark of the evening a part of him felt scared, mainly due to the morning news. His mother probably thought Eren had been kidnapped or something, and Eren felt his stomach twist with guilt. She only barely let him go out this afternoon after the news this morning. He wondered if she was out in the dark looking for him.“Eren!”Levi’s voice calling out to him made Eren skid to a stop, eyes wide as he twisted around to stare at him. Levi was following close behind, and came to a stop in front of Eren with jagged breaths.“I’ll come home with you.”Eren shook his head. “No, it’s okay, it’s my fault for staying late, go back and stay with your friends-”“You are my friend, Eren,” Levi said, and Eren felt his heart almost ache at the comment. “And I’m walking you home. Especially after the news this morning.”When Levi grabbed his hand, Eren let himself be pulled along down the cobbled streets of southern Shiganshina. He gave up on trying to argue. It would be a lie for Eren to say that with Levi by his side, he felt a little bit safer. There was a murderer somewhere in the city, and even if Eren tried to ignore it, a little tiny part of him had felt scared to run home alone.Within ten minutes the duo had reached the town square. He stopped for a moment, resting his hands on his knees, letting himself and Levi catch their breaths.Eren took the opportunity to look up at where Levi stood tall, shoulders rising and falling rapidly with deep breaths, a pink tinge to his cheeks as he looked at Eren. The moon shone down from behind them. The streets were silent except for the sounds of their ragged breaths.“Thank you. I’m sorry for making you do this.” Eren said.Levi smiled. “You’re not making me do anything. I’m here because I want to be.”Eren hoped that he simply thought the reddening of his cheeks was due to the run.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The night air cooled the sweat on Eren’s skin as he rounded the corner of his street, hand in hand with Levi close behind him. An ache in his chest left Eren gasping for air as he stopped under the light of the street lantern, resting his palms against his knees. On most days, it would take Eren twenty minutes to walk home from the town square. Eren and Levi had run home in ten, not even slowing down when the cobblestone roads ascended on the multiple hills.Twisting around to gaze down at a panting Levi behind him, a doleful expression appeared on Eren’s face. Words couldn’t explain the gratefulness that Eren felt at Levi for walking him home. Whilst the lights of the town library were still on and there were people still eating dinner at restaurants, many of the backstreets of Shiganshina were empty and only a few were dimly lit from lantern light. Eren felt at ease, safe and secure with Levi by his side.But, despite Eren’s gratefulness, he had decided that tonight was not a good time for his parents to be introduced to Levi. Especially since after Levi and Eren’s conversations earlier that afternoon, Eren was now unsure whether it would be a good decision for his parents to meet Levi anyway. There are so many things about Levi that they simply wouldn’t understand.“I’ll go the rest of the way myself,” Eren said, giving Levi a weak, encouraging smile. “Thank you for walking me home. It made me feel…”Eren felt his words fall away from his tongue when Levi gave his hand a gentle squeeze, a soft smile tugging his lips upwards. In the pale moonlight, Levi’s skin had almost a blue-tone to it, and the way that he smiled at Eren did not help his beating heart. Eren wanted to tell Levi that he made Eren feel safe, that he made Eren feel comforted and protected. Yet his throat closed up, his skin felt hot and it seemed like Eren suddenly couldn’t even speak the sounds of the words.“It made you feel what, Eren? Tell me,” Levi took a step closer, his voice low, his other hand grabbing Eren’s free one from his side. He pulled Eren a little closer, and looked up at him with a gentle gaze.The things you make me feel, Eren thought to himself. Do you know? Do you feel it too? “S-Safe.” Eren breathed out, licking his lips, eyes locked with Levi’s. “And happy.”When Levi leaned up to kiss his cheek Eren let out a satisfied hum, feeling his eyes flutter close and letting himself be allured into Levi’s warmth and embrace. He let Levi wrap his arms around his waist like he had done hours earlier, however this time Levi was the one to rest his head on Eren’s shoulder. There was Levi’s soft breaths against his neck, causing his skin to tingle and his pulse to quicken. A familiar scent of vanilla was in the air and Eren rested his cheek against Levi’s head, arms silking around Levi’s shoulders and pulling him a little bit closer. If Eren wasn’t aware of the passing time he would have wanted to stay, there in Levi’s embrace forever.“I have to go home.”“Stay here for a little bit.”“But my parents-”“They’ll be angry regardless of when you turn up. Let yourself be happy, Eren. Stay here with me,” Levi pulled back to look at him, pressing another kiss to his cheek. “Don’t I make you happy?”Eren sighed, nodding in response. Switching his position with Levi, Eren dropped his head onto Levi’s shoulder and pushed himself into the crook of his neck like he had done before. Levi was right. His mother and father would still scream at him even if he turned up at only two minutes past five-thirty. If Eren was going to not be allowed to see Levi for at least a week, he might as well enjoy their last meeting for a while, instead of letting himself be controlled by what his parents want.
Do you make me happy? More than a lot of people, Levi.
Levi’s hand rubbed circles into the lower of Eren’s back, and he felt the sensation of soft lips pressing against the top of his head. Even in the crook of Levi’s neck, Eren smiled, and he wondered why he ever even believed that what they are doing now is so wrong. In the quiet, deserted streets, there was only Eren and Levi and the stars above. If his God was watching, Eren was sure that he would not be angry. He would not be disgusted, like his parents had told him. Levi holding him like this and giving him gentle kisses on his cheek was nothing to be ashamed of. As Levi had told Eren earlier, they were doing nothing wrong. His parents were liars. His God understood.Eren briefly wondered if Levi believed in the Lord as Eren did. There were a few people who did not, and his parents had called them heathens and sinners and said Eren was not to ever talk with them. It was the first time that Eren had thought about the possibility of Levi not being religious. He probably is, Eren thought to himself. That’s why he knows that what we are doing isn’t a sin, right? “Will your parents be angry with you for being late?” Levi interrupted the silence.“They’ll yell at me. My father might even slap me, I think, if I made my mother upset. And I’ll have to pray to the Lord for forgiveness. I might not be able to see you for a little while.”“You don’t deserve that,” Levi leaned back a little, prompting Eren to look at him, and pressed a kiss to Eren’s cheek. “They shouldn’t yell at you, or hurt you for enjoying yourself. I’d never do that to you. I’d never hurt you, I’d never let anyone hurt you if I was there beside you.”Eren hummed, sensing himself relax as he let Levi press another kiss to his opposite cheek. Eren’s skin was probably warm to the touch, but Levi didn’t seem to care. He felt Levi’s hand run through his hair and Eren let out a satisfied sigh, closing his eyes.
Levi would never hurt me.
“I don’t know when I’ll be able to see you again.” Eren said, his voice weak. He heard Levi shush him, rising on his feet to kiss his forehead gently, both hands moving down to Eren’s lower back to rub circles back into it.“Visit Hanji, ask her for me, she’ll know when I’m free. You remember where the café is, right?”Eren nodded.“Good boy. I’ll be waiting for you, Eren. I’ll miss you.”Warmth spread throughout his body as Eren opened his eyes to give Levi a dreamy smile, his eyes hazy and cheeks a pale scarlet colour. Hearing that Levi would be waiting for him, that he’ll miss him, made Eren’s chest tighten with happiness. Eren wished that he could stay with Levi all night, under the stars, watching the universe above float by.Eren loved his family, he truly did. But over the past few days, Eren had realised that Levi cared for him in a way they didn’t. Levi understood Eren, Levi knew what Eren wanted.“If they hurt you,” Levi moved to whisper in Eren’s ear, “Let me know.”He gulped, and nodded quickly. When Levi pulled back, his face was brooding and tight-lipped, his eyebrows furrowed. Tender hands moved up to touch the sides of Eren’s face, and Eren’s eyes fluttered close at the feeling of Levi softly caressing him. Eren knew that Levi meant every word that he said. Eren knew that Levi would never hurt him; the words didn’t need to be repeated, and Eren had never felt safer than he did in Levi’s presence.“Will you be safe, going home?”Levi chuckled. “Of course. Don’t worry about me, Eren. I can protect myself.”A satisfied hum left Eren as he nodded. Levi was strong.Before Eren turned to run down the rest of his street, he gave Levi a quick kiss to his cheek, and said goodbye. A part of his heart ached, begging him to stay in Levi’s embrace, but Eren knew he had to see his family. Eren couldn’t stay with Levi forever, regardless of how much he wanted to. When he reached the front doorsteps of his house, Eren had not even clasped his fingers around the door handle before it was shoved open, and he was slammed with a hug.“Where have you been?”It was his mother, her face pushed into Eren’s chest as wretched sobs left her mouth. Her shoulders trembled as Eren wrapped his arms around her, muttering apologises into her braided hair as his chest ached with guilt. As he moved his gaze to the door and hallway behind it, Eren stiffened.His father stood, arms crossed, a sardonic expression etched onto his lined face. When he took a step into the lantern light that hung just inside the door, Eren felt himself instinctively step back, anxiety rushing through his blood and quickening his pulse. His father didn’t say a single word when his mother pulled Eren inside the house and shut the door; he simply looked at his son with an unblinking face. The silence was deafening. Eren could hear every breath, every slight movement across the wooden floors. He was guided into the dining room, and pushed gently by his mother into the chair.She sat down in front of him, the moonlight from the night pouring into the room. Eren’s father grabbed the lantern from the hallway and shoved it against the table with a little bit too much force, scraping out a chair against the floor and sitting across his mother. Nobody said a word. Eren felt his throat tighten, and his hands felt clammy as he fidgeted in his laps. He wished he was still with Levi.Whilst his mother’s expression was one of worry, his father looked furious. It had never been his mother that Eren would tip-toe around; she was always a little bit kinder, a little bit more understanding, a little bit softer. It was his father, with his thin glasses that framed his narrow, unforgiving eyes and his deep voice that would echo throughout the house when he yelled. It was his father that made Eren terrified and left him frozen, muscles tense in his seat.“Do you know what the time is, Eren?” His father spoke, each sound said with precision, his tone dripping with calm – but Eren knew it was a mask that hid his fury and his disappointment.“N-No.”“It is ten minutes past seven o’clock. Do you know what time you were required to be home?”Eren gulped. “Five thirty, father.”“Will you care to explain why you are here over an hour later, then?”Eren’s gaze was downcast. With each passing second, he could feel his parents grow angrier, more disappointed, and Eren had no idea what to say to them. Could he lie? Could he say that he had been at the back corner of the library, where there were no windows, and he was so focused that he had not even realised the passing time? Or does he tell the truth?Eren ended up saying the former, the lie feeling like burning poison on his tongue. When his mother looked at him, with her grave and pained expression, Eren wanted to sink into the floor. He wanted to be anywhere but there, at the kitchen table, surrounded by the deafening silence and his parent’s disappointment radiating in the air. He wanted to be in Levi’s embrace, he wanted to be in the warmth and sweet aura of Hanji’s café; anywhere but his home.“We are both so extremely disappointed in you, Eren.”“Father… I just… just wanted to study, to be better, like you wanted me to…”Liar.A dark scoff left his father’s lips. “You’ve tried for years, Eren. Both your mother and I have accepted that you just simply can’t get better. You don’t focus in school, and it shows in your marks. Perhaps if you obeyed us and followed the Lord’s words then you wouldn’t be such a disappointment.”Each word stung like a thousand knives had been thrusted into Eren’s bleeding heart. Tears of sorrow prickled at the corner of Eren’s eyes as he scrunched them close, his fists clenching in his lap. He was a disappointment, he had always known he was, but hearing his father say it for himself made Eren sick. It made his chest throb, it made Eren want to sob out into the silence that he’s sorry. He’s sorry for being such a disappointment, he’s sorry that he is a liar, a terrible son and terrible believer. But he stayed silent, tight-lipped with his head low.“I’m a little surprised that you even had the determination to study for so long.”
I don’t. I’m just a liar.
“Regardless of what reason you were late, Eren,” It was his mother’s voice this time, a little softer, and Eren felt her reach out to touch his shoulder gently. “This isn’t acceptable. You worried us both. Especially after the morning news… darling.”The last word felt like it was almost pushed out, added only to make Eren feel a little better, but it didn’t feel sincere. None of her usually-comforting words felt sincere at all. It felt fake and forced, as if she knew that Eren was weak, that he would cry like a pathetic child if she didn’t even attempt to sympathise with him. Where she touched his shoulder burned, but not in the same way that it did when Levi touched him. Her fingers against Eren served as a reminder that he was always the disappointment of the family, always the weak one, always needed to be treated like a child.“I’m sorry, I really am-”“Be quiet! You were not asked to speak.”Eren’s eyes snapped to his father’s at the sound of his harsh, raised voice. In the lantern light, Grisha’s face was casted by shadows; and Eren could see his sunken eyes and deep-set wrinkles, and the fury in his father’s eyes at Eren’s own negligence. Under his unforgiving stare, the breath in Eren’s tight throat hitched as silent tears started to roll down his flushed cheeks.“Don’t you dare disobey us again. We have done everything for you. We feed you, give you a home, give you an education. All we expect in return is for you to do what we say, to obey us and to obey the Lord. Is that too difficult? You made your mother cry, ungrateful child!”Eren sobbed loudly, tears blurring his vision.“Do you know how embarrassing it is to have you as our child? You always are so unfocused, so ungrateful, so easily swayed away from the Lord. Colossians 3:20: Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Is that difficult for you to understand, you fool?”“I’m sorry!”“Shut up! I did not give you permission to speak!”The stinging sensation of a hand against his cheek was not even a surprise as his father leaned across the table. A loud, slap bounced off the walls and Eren remained silent, wide-eyed but without an ounce of anger in him. I deserve it, Eren thought, and let his father hit him again, a little harder this time.“Why can’t you be like your sister?”There it was. The reason that Eren was never enough, the person that Eren had to be compared to and competed with ever since she was brought home. It was never Mikasa’s fault; she had been the one to tell him that she had nothing against him. But Eren’s parents didn’t understand that. Eren’s parents saw two children, two vastly different beings and felt the need to put them against each other. Eren had always wondered if they even cared that it put a terrible strain on his relationship with his sister, that it left Eren feeling like he was unwanted in his own family and home.It hurt. No matter how hard Eren had tried for years, it was always Mikasa that received the genuine compassion, love and adoration of his parents. The words of his father, and the silence and complacent reaction of his mother at the violence stung more than the hand hitting Eren’s cheek.All Eren wanted was to be understood.His father hit him three more times, each with a little more force then the other, leaving Eren’s cheek a dark red. The last hit was with a fist, and it collided with Eren’s cheekbone and he knew that by tomorrow there would be a soft, purple bruise on his skin. The entire time his mother never said a word, she simply watched with unmoving eyes as Eren’s father hit him.When his mother told him to go to his room, that he was not to have dinner, that he was not to speak to Mikasa and he was to pray to the Lord for forgiveness, Eren didn’t argue. When his father told him that if Eren was to disobey again that he would be punished more harshly, a little voice in the back of his mind screamed that Eren deserved to be hurt. Eren felt nothing but sorrow and guilt.His father hitting him reminded Eren of his place in his family. He was the disappointment, the outsider, the different one who could never accept what he was meant to be. For years, Eren had known that his life path had already been decided for him ever since he was a child. He was foolish to think he had a chance of being able to be free of his parent’s control over him. That night when Eren had sat on his knees and prayed under the moonlight, his thoughts for once where not focused on his God and the guilt that he felt at disobeying his parents. Instead, they were focused on a blue-eyed boy with a wicked smile and the freedom that Eren felt around him.
Levi understands me. Levi would never hurt me.
Whilst Eren’s parents left him feeling isolated and ignored in his own home, Eren knew that Levi would always be there for him. The previous times that Eren had been hit by his father, Eren would seek comfort in Mikasa and Armin. Yet, tonight, Eren craved Levi’s embrace.Tears soaked Eren’s pillow as he cried. He curled his arms around his pillow, imagining it was Levi instead, doing anything to stop the painful ache in his heart. The rest of Eren’s family had long since gone to bed, and the house was dark and silent. Eren let out muffled sobs into his pillow, his entire body shuddering with each shaky breath and wretched cry. Hunger ate away inside of him and Eren knew that by tomorrow morning he would be light-headed and sick.
I deserve it. I deserve it for being a disappointment.
“L-Levi…” Eren choked out, sucking in a whiney-breath, grabbing fistfuls of the pillow beside him. He imagined Levi’s warm, strong arms wrapped around him, he imagined the scent of vanilla engulfing him, he imagined the soft words that Levi would whisper to him.All Eren wanted was to be with Levi. However, he fell asleep alone, eyes reddened from the tears, and a dull ache in his heart.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was Sunday; fourteen days to the date since Eren first had met Levi. During the past week, Eren’s punishment meant that he was only allowed to go to church and school. At home, both his mother and father had been quiet and distant towards him. They were still furious at Eren for coming home over an hour late. It had made a dull ache burn in his chest for days at the thought of disappointing his parents. Eren never wanted to make them upset. All he wanted was to feel free.Mikasa had tried to comfort Eren at school. She had told him that it’s okay, that it is easy to become lost to time when you are focused on studying. Yet Eren found no relief in her words, for it was based on a lie that he had fabricated in order to hide the fact that he was seeing Levi.On multiple nights, Eren had sobbed quietly into his pillow, wishing he was in Levi’s arms. The guilt had coiled around his stomach and choked the air out of his throat. He had begged through small whispers to his parents, telling them he is sorry, asking for them to please just look at him.Yet as the week had progressed, a simmering anger had begun to work its way towards the surface.It wasn’t noticeable at first, but the Tuesday it had begun to weave its way into Eren’s thoughts and actions. It started with Eren slamming the door a little too hard when he left for school, then it turned into Eren muttering a faint, ‘fuck you’, under his breath when his parents would look right past him. By the end of the week, emotions of melancholy and irritation had coiled around him and tainted each and every waking moment.A part of him still felt sick at guilt. Yet, that Sunday morning when his mother had sat down beside him at church without saying a single word, Eren decided that it was enough. What Levi had told him was right. His mother and father controlled Eren. They did not understand Eren like Levi did.Currently Eren sat in the first wooden row of his parent’s church. Large, glass windows filtered in sunlight from behind where Eren’s father stood at a podium with the Holy Bible laid open. A wooden cross with a marble statue of Jesus Christ hung against the glass, and candles were lit on a low-level wooden bench beneath it. On each side of the marble-walled church were more glass windows, each one stained with depicted saints. Above Eren was a high-raised roof with painted scenes of religious events from the Holy Bible.Eren sat beside his mother and Mikasa, who both looked to his father with gazes of admiration and love. He shuffled in his seat, arms folded over his chest and absent gaze fixated on the tiled floor.“Let the Lord’s love and praise fill you, for you are all his children, and you are all made in his image. Show others his love and his happiness. Follow the Lord’s words and know that each one of us has a duty to spread his teachings…” Eren’s father’s voice boomed out from the podium.When mass had finished his father pulled Eren to the back storage room of the church, out of view from the other people and his family. A disappointed sigh escaped his lips when he shoved Eren into the room, and slammed the door a little too hard.“I watched you today, son. You didn’t even bother to mouth the words of the prayer. What is wrong with you? Are you feeling distant from the Lord? Why are you acting so discouraged?”Eren wanted to laugh and roll his eyes, to spit out a bitter, I’m not distant from the Lord, I’m distant from you, but his lips were tight. He couldn’t upset his father again. Tomorrow afternoon will be the first time in a week that Eren will be allowed out of the house after school. Eren had planned to visit Hanji’s café, find Levi and fall into his embrace as quickly as possible.So he sucked in a deep breath, and lied with a monotone voice: “I’m just feeling a little unwell, father. I said it in my head, I promise, I would never mean to disrespect the Lord’s words.”For the first time in a week, Eren’s father gave Eren a small smile at his words. Resting his hand on Eren’s shoulder, his father nodded. “I’m just a little worried. You are to be the next pastor of this church, and I can’t have rumours being spread that you’re suddenly… unfaithful.”“Of course, Father. I understand.”Eren was to be the next pastor, and being his father’s son meant that a lot of people watched him. It'd be damaging to his family's reputation if Eren appeared to be discouraged and lacking belief in the Lord. People were quick to talk. Even with his bitterness towards his parents, Eren did not want his family to have a foul reputation because of him.When they left the back room, Rod Reiss and Historia were waiting outside. Rod stood tall in a black suit, arm resting on the back of Historia’s flowing, cream-toned dress. Eren’s gaze met with Historia’s and he gave her a small smile when she waved at him. A faint blush dusted her cheeks and she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, diverting her gaze after a moment.Behind them Eren’s attention shifted to his mother and Mikasa. They were chatting with other members of the church, most whom had congregated to the back where refreshments were being served. His mother’s hand was on Mikasa’s back, and the lady they were talking to was named Rico. She was a high-ranking member of the Military Police.At the sound of Rod’s voice, Eren’s focus turned back to the people in front of them.“Grisha, Eren. What a lovely service today.” Rod said, greeting them with a slight nod.“Yes, it was. Do you wish to speak to me privately, Rod?”Rod let out a rumbling hum, letting his hand fall from the curve of his daughter’s back. “It’s about that-” Eren watched as Rod’s eyes briefly met his, “-family. You know the one.”This caught Eren’s interest; his eyebrows furrowed as Rod and Grisha left them alone to go to the back room. That family? Does he mean the Ackermans? Eren has not heard much about the Ackerman family, apart from the muffled conversation two weeks ago at the Reiss family dinner. Whoever they are, they must have been important if Rod was asking to speak with his father about them right after Sunday mass.When Eren turned his head back to Historia, he noticed some of their classmates walking up from behind. Historia twisted around when she noticed Eren looking behind her.“Historia, Eren,” It was Connie, speaking in his high, childish voice. He ran his hand over his shaved head, a questioning smile curling his lips. Behind him followed Armin, his hands shoved into the pockets of knee-length denim pants, a large woollen red jumper draping off his shoulders.“Do you want to come over to Armin’s house with us?” Connie continued, Armin standing by his side. “His grandfather is going to bake sultana bread, and Armin has a new card game he wants to show us. Mikasa is already going, too.”“That’ll be lovely! Eren?” Historia replied. She turned to him with a smile that faltered slightly.Eren’s shoulder’s sunk. “I don’t think I can. I’m not allowed to go anywhere until tomorrow.”“What? Is this why you’ve been acting off at school all week? You were grounded?” Armin said, a crease forming between his furrowed eyebrows as he cocked his head to the side.“I’m sure your parents will let you go, especially if Mikasa is.” Connie tried to reassure Eren, who only shook his head.It was boring staying at home each afternoon, and Eren did want to go. Yet he didn’t want to ask his parents and accidentally annoy them. Eren had already angered them enough times throughout the week that he was surprised that they hadn’t grounded him for longer.“Just ask-”“Armin, I don’t want to make them angry-”“You can go, I asked Mother.” It was Mikasa, walking up behind Armin, a smile tugging up her lips. “She said as long as I’m there to keep an eye on you, then you can come.”Of course she has to look out for me, Eren wanted to sigh, it’s just Armin’s house. But he was grateful, and he let himself grin with a genuine smile at the thought of finally being able to see his friends outside of school. It’d only been a week, but to Eren it felt like forever.He hoped that it also meant that his parents would finally stop being so distant with him. It was around two o’clock in the afternoon. Eren and his friends had spent most of the day hanging out after mass. Around lunch they had gone down for a picnic at the river, and Eren had to hide his blush when he remembered how he had kissed Levi’s cheek for the first time there.When they had returned to Armin’s house, Armin had showed the group the new card game he had learned and they played for nearly an hour. The sweet smell of bread had filled the air when it was finally cooked and removed from the oven, and Mr Arlert had sliced it and buttered it up on porcelain plates before giving it to the teenagers.Eren, Mikasa, Connie, Historia and Armin sat in a circle on the floor, cards scattered across the wooden ground. Mouths were full of fresh, warm sultana bread, and Armin’s grandfather smiled smugly from his rocking chair. As they ate it was quiet, yet Eren felt comfortable. Armin’s house was one that felt familiar and homely to him.Armin and Eren had been best friends since childhood, long before Mikasa was adopted by the Jaeger family. Memories of Eren and Armin having laughter-filled sleep-overs, and game afternoons similar to this one, filled the majority of Eren’s youth. For years, Armin and the Arlert family have been people that Eren could always go to for comfort.Surrounded by his friends, Eren was calm for the first time in a week.Fingertips tapping his shoulder brought Eren back out of his daydream. Armin eyed him curiously, an eyebrow raised and he cocked his head to the side, gesturing for Eren to follow as he stood. The pair left the others in the living room and Eren made his way down the hallway into Armin’s room, a confused expression etched onto his face.Armin’s room was the same as it had always been. Paintings and cut-out diagrams from science books and nature books alike were pinned to the walls. His bed sat in the corner under the window, his sheets tidied and tucked into the sides. A large bookshelf sat against one wall, filled to the brim with educational books and a few fantasy ones. Eren sat down beside Armin on the bed. A brief silence fell over them, thoughts racing through Eren’s head.“I asked Mikasa why you were grounded, when we were at the riverside. She said you came home an hour late, about a week ago.” Armin said.
Of course she told you that.
“Yeah.” Eren sighed out.“Why?” Armin prompted, nudging Eren’s side with his elbow softly. “That’s not like you. Where were you? At the library again? You’ve been going there a lot.”Eren hummed a response. Nobody knew yet that Eren had been lying, disobeying his parents and meeting with a strange boy that he met at the markets two weeks ago. For now, that is how Eren wanted it to be, a secret, until Eren could gather the courage to tell Armin and hope that Armin would not tell his parents about Eren’s sins.“Is it because of your grades?” Armin said, a little gentler, shuffling closer till their shoulders touched. A small sigh escaped Eren’s lips. He didn’t really want to lie to his best friend but he feared that Armin would tell his parents about Levi. If they knew then Eren would not be allowed to see Levi again. They would not understand.So he sucked in a deep breath, and nodded. “I guess you could say that.”“You know, you’re third in the class for maths. That’s an improvement! You should feel proud.”“It’s not me, Armin, it’s my parents. You know how they are, especially when Mikasa gets first place in literally every single subject.” The last few words were bitter and Eren clutched at the bedsheets inside him, trying to calm the smouldering anger in his chest.Don’t be angry here. Armin has done nothing wrong. Deep breaths, Eren thought to himself, repeating the latter over in his head. Don’t let yourself get angry. You can control it.During weeks like this, when Eren had disobeyed his parents (something that, before he met Levi, was never intentional), anger followed him like a dark presence. His parents always distant for days after Eren had disobeyed them, and it only fed the starving rage that lived within him.Armin didn’t seem to notice Eren’s sudden tenseness. “Well, if it makes you feel any better… I think you did amazing. I’m really proud of you, Eren, and I’m sure Mikasa is too.”“You’re only saying that because we’re best friends.”“Yes, and as your best friend,” Armin draped an arm around Eren’s shoulder and gave him a squeeze, “Who has known you since we were four years old… I can see how much you’ve improved, and I’m proud. Take the compliment, Eren. I know your parents are a little harsh, and sometimes when they’re angry they might say some things they shouldn’t. But I’m sure they’re proud, too.”
They’re not.
“Thank you,” Eren muttered out. Ignoring his thoughts, Eren pushed out a weak smile to Armin and leaned into his embrace. It was different to Levi’s. It didn’t have the same warmth, the same security and understanding, but Eren appreciated it all the same. Armin had always been someone Eren could rely on. He was someone who knew exactly what to say when Eren was feeling down, and for that he was grateful. Armin gave his shoulder a quick squeeze again before dropping his arm.“Let’s go back downstairs, I’m sure the others are waiting. Want to play another round of cards? I’m sure I can beat you this time,” Armin gave him a playful smile and grabbed Eren’s arm, pulling him off the bed as Eren chuckled.“You can try!” Around four o’clock, Eren decided to leave a little bit early. Mikasa had offered to leave as well but Eren hurried out a no, telling her to stay there and enjoy herself. Mikasa had tried to argue back and assured that it was okay; but when it appeared that Eren was not changing his mind she had given up and sat back down in the circle on the floor.With a spring in his step Eren had walked back to the town square. Over a week ago when Levi had walked him home, he had told Eren to visit Hanji’s café to organise a time for them to meet again. Levi also had told Eren that he would miss him, and a pink painted Eren’s soft cheeks at the memory as he began walking through the backstreets of southern Shiganshina.The afternoon sun loomed above him and warmed the back of his neck, and the faint chatter of passer-by’s and the calls of birds flying above filled the air. When Eren reached Hanji’s café, there were a few other customers inside. Eren pushed open the front door with a gentle sigh.Hanji was notified of Eren’s presence at the sound of the bell. She whipped her head away from the cup of coffee she was pouring and her face lit up, a smile pushing up her cheeks as Eren sat down on one of the stools at the counter.“Eren! It’s so nice to see you. How’ve you been?” Her voice was as chirpy as Eren remembered it, but she diverted her gaze to someone else before Eren could mutter a reply. With curious eyes Eren watched as she pushed the cup of coffee in front of a blond man that sat two seats away from Eren, and Hanji leaned down to whisper some words in his ears.“I’m good…” Eren mumbled, voice trailing off.Whatever Hanji had said, the blond man was now looking at Eren, a gentle smile spread across his lips. The man was built; with wide shoulders, defined arm muscles through his grey business shirt and blonde locks that were combed back off his forehead. Thick, dirty blonde eyebrows framed warm blue eyes that stared at Eren, and Eren wondered what Hanji could have possibly said.The man shuffled another stool over to Eren’s surprise, pushing his coffee gently along the counter, and extending his hand towards a stiffened Eren. “I’m Erwin.”When Eren simply squeaked out his name in reply Hanji had laughed, nudging Erwin’s shoulder.“Oh, shit, sorry.” Erwin let out a deep chuckle, and Eren resisted the urge to stare at him wide-eyed. Curse words were still something Eren was not quite used to hearing, and had not heard them spoken since the Friday when he had first visited the café. Erwin continued, “I’m a friend of Levi’s. I should’ve said that when I introduced myself, huh?”Oh! Eren’s shoulders fell and a genuine smile reached his lips as he took Erwin’s hand, finally. If Erwin was Levi’s friend, then he could trust him, right?“My name is Eren, I’m… Levi’s friend too! He hasn’t told me about you, though, I’m sorry. I don’t really know who you are.” Eren said, dropping the handshake.“Ah, Eren. He told me about you. But he hasn’t said anything about me?” Erwin said, giving Eren another chuckle as he shook his head slightly. “Well that’s insulting. Not like I’ve known him since he was ten, or anything.”
Ten?
“You knew Levi as a kid?” Eren found himself replying, jaw slack as he gazed up at Erwin with widened eyes. At the mention of Levi’s childhood, a spark of curiosity pulsed out inside him. If his mother was here she would have scolded Eren for asking personal information from a strange man. But curiosity was something Eren had never learned to control.“Sure did.”“What was he like?” Eren asked, leaning a closer to the other man.“Aw, look at you.” Hanji cooed, dragging Eren’s attention away from Erwin. A slight blush warmed his cheeks when he saw her leaning on the counter, chin rested in both palms. “So curious to know about our dear Levi. Why? Do you like him?”Eren gave a sheepish smile, “I think he’s interesting. He’s my friend, too, so…”He thought back to the way Levi had run home with him, hand in hand, called him his friend and told him that he’ll be waiting for him. It only made him blush more.Hanji and Erwin both let out an amused scoff. Eren scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. “What?”“Levi wasn’t lying when he told me you were innocent.” It was Erwin, and before Eren could give him a confused reply he had continued, “As a kid he was a little bit feisty. Always angry at people.”Eren’s heart swelled, disregarding Erwin’s first comment as he gazed at Erwin with twinkling eyes, leaning his head in his palm. As a child, and even now, Eren had always been an angry, too. Knowing that Levi was the same way only made it more clear in his head that Levi would always understand him. He raised his eyebrows at Erwin, pushing him to say more.“When he was around eleven, he became obsessed with black tea. Talked about opening a tea shop one day, even. It was his biggest dream. Still is, I think, but maybe for when he’s a little older.”Eren didn’t even hide the excited wow that slipped from his lips. Tea was Levi’s favourite drink, that he knew. But Eren didn’t know that Levi liked it so much he wanted to own a tea shop, of all things. Hanji had chuckled at Eren’s dreamy expression.“So how do you know him?” He asked Erwin.“I work for his uncle.”Ah. “It seems like everyone works for Kenny.”Erwin smiled. “Well, he is the boss of the business.”Eren had opened his mouth to reply, to ask for more details on Erwin, on how he knew Levi’s uncle and whether he had more adorable stories of Levi as a child, when Hanji tapped her fingers on the counter and asked Eren a question instead.“So, are you here for some of my cakes? Or here because a blue-eyed boy told you to come visit and ask me when he’s free, hmm?” A smirk curled her lips and Eren turned to her with red cheeks.“Yeah, he did… Do you know? When I can see him again?” Eren said, voice a little higher at the end. At Hanji he tilted his head to the side, tapping his foot against one of the legs of the stool as he almost bounced in his seat. To others, he would look like a toddler begging for candy.Any shame at looking eager and overly-excited at seeing Levi again, however, was ignored.There was no denying that he had become attached to Levi and incredibly quickly. It wasn’t Eren’s fault. Levi was understanding, loving and kind. With Levi, Eren did not feel judged, and he felt like he could ask anything and do anything without judgement. Levi wanted to help him.So he let himself seem eager, and let himself be consumed by the happiness that he would be seeing Levi soon. A warmth spread from his cheeks to his ears as he let out a content sigh at his imaginations. All the thoughts in his mind were currently focused on one person: Levi.Hanji chuckled. “He’s free tomorrow afternoon, Eren. I’ll tell him to meet you at the southern gate?”Eren bit back a squeal of keenness as he nodded.After Eren had established a time and place for his next meeting with Levi it was a struggle to focus. Swinging his legs absentmindedly in the seat, Eren learned that both Erwin and Hanji had known each other for years as well. Erwin also had told Eren that Levi went to him whenever he was confused or concerned about something. This brought up a twisting, irritated feeling inside Eren that he gulped back down and pushed to the back of his mind. When Eren arrived home, ten minutes before Mikasa to his luck, his parents simply asked him about his day at Armin’s. Eren told them about the bread and the games and left out his conversation with his best friend. Happiness flowed through him as his mother and father seemed to be talking to Eren again, and he gave both of them genuine smiles. Any of the anger he had felt during the morning and previous days washed away by the joy that Eren felt.When his mother questioned Eren about why Mikasa was not home with Eren, he simply replied with a, “I left a little early.”It wasn’t a really lie. Eren had left early, so it wasn’t like Eren was sinning and disobeying his parents by saying so. When his mother simply nodded and kissed the top of his head, not sensing that Eren wasn’t telling the entire truth, he bit back a smug smile. They had no idea that Eren had met with people his parents didn’t know the names of. A rush went through him at the thought.At dinner, his father had talked to him about his future duties as a pastor, and his mother had asked if he was excited for the school year to be ending. Things had seemed to return to normal, and Eren’s punishment was over.When Eren had brought up the idea of visiting the library tomorrow morning, he was given a wary stare before his father finally told him it was okay as long as Eren was home on time. To Eren’s shock his mother had said she was proud that Eren was studying harder, and it reminded him of Armin’s words earlier in the day. It made him smile wide and his heart flutter in his chest.
Maybe Armin was right. Maybe sometimes they say things they don’t mean when they’re angry.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Levi!” Eren was running, grin wide, hair pushing the hair off his face. It was Monday afternoon, the weather a little cold, the sun already lowering in the clear sky. Levi pushed himself off where he had leaned against the southern archway and opened his arms for Eren, who ran into him with a mirroring gesture and wrapped his arms tightly around Levi’s back. He pushed his head into the crook of Levi’s neck, taking in the comforting smell of vanilla and Levi’s warmth, and let out a satisfied hum when Levi began to rub small circles into his back.Civilians walking by on their way home from work probably looked at them with curious eyes, but Eren simply could not find it in his heart to care. He had missed Levi, he had craved the feeling of Levi hugging him and he had longed to hear Levi’s deep voice and his foreign accent. Now that he was here, over a week since he last saw Levi, Eren simply wanted to stay in his embrace.He heard Levi chuckle, “Eren. I’ve missed you too.”“It sucked without you.”“Aw, did you miss me that much?”Eren pulled back to gaze at Levi with a small pout. “Of course. I thought of you every day.”“Hmm, good.” Levi let his arms drop, and Eren didn’t have time to protest the sudden lack of Levi’s embrace before their hands were intertwined and Levi was pulling Eren along through the southern gates. A laugh escaped his lips at Levi’s eagerness, and they were almost running down the path towards the river, desperate to escape the view of the bustling crowd. Levi’s blue jacket flapped in the wind, whereas Eren’s exposed arms were covered in goose-bumps in the cool, late Autumn air.Happiness rushed over him. Eren had waited for this, this feeling of sparks across his skin at Levi’s touch, and the feeling of understanding and comfort that Levi brought him. He’d waited for it for over a week, and now that Levi was here – with his beautiful smile, stunning eyes, and his smirk that left Eren feeling like he couldn’t speak or breathe – Eren felt like he was walking on sunshine.At school Eren was restless waiting to meet with Levi. A part of him worried that Hanji had it wrong, that Levi was not available on Monday afternoon. But when he saw a familiar figure in dark jeans and a low-cut white tee shirt, leaning against the bricks of the archway with his intoxicating smile, Eren had broken out into a run and did not care that he looked like a child.When Eren and Levi reached the southern side of the river, Levi continued to pull Eren along. He jumped the barricades and landed on the sanded-bank below, and looked up at Eren who leaned down with a curious face. Eren was a little hesitant, making sure to take off his shoes and socks before he jumped over, his heart hammering in his chest, and landed on the ground with a thump. As the bank was lower than the raised pathway behind them, people would not be able to see the duo unless they looked over the edge. They were secluded, away from curious eyes.“That didn’t hurt?”“No, I’m okay.”“Good,” Levi leaned in, giving Eren a kiss to his cheek. He fluttered his eyes close, savouring the feeling of Levi’s soft lips pressed against his skin. “I would never want you to be hurt.”The pair of them sat down, shoulders brushing, legs out and touching each other slightly. Between them Levi had grabbed Eren’s hand and held it in his lap, bringing out a blush in Eren’s cheeks. For a little while they sat in silence, watching the water and the occasional boat chug by.“How was your week, Eren?” Levi said into the silence.Eren sighed, leaning his head against Levi’s shoulder. “Sort of okay. My parents didn’t let me go out, not until yesterday. At church, I think my dad mentioned that Ackerman family again? Rod Reiss was there, and wanted to talk about them.”“Oh? You didn’t hear what they said?”Eren shook his head.“That’s okay. Tell me if you do, though. I’m curious.”“Of course!” Eren moved his head to look up at Levi, giving him a weak smile before he leaned his head back against his shoulder. Eren wasn’t quite sure why Levi wanted to know about this Ackerman family, but he didn’t question it. When a silence fell over them, Eren continued: “I went to Armin’s house yesterday, he’s my best friend, and we had sultana bread. It was really yummy.”“Hmm? I’m glad you enjoyed it, Eren. How long have you and Armin been friends?”“Since we were four!” Eren said, voice bright. For some reason it made him happy that Levi was interested in Eren’s life and his friends. He would tell Levi everything, if he asked.“That’s wonderful. I assume you two get along very well, then?”“We do. He’s really smart, but he’s super funny too.”Levi paused, and Eren felt his hand be squeezed slightly. Not replying to Eren’s comment Levi changed the subject; his voice softened, “And… your parents, were they angry? When you came home late?”His heart sunk in his chest, and Eren turned his gaze to the sand beneath him. His parents were not ignoring him anymore, and they had let Eren go out this afternoon. A slight anger still lingered towards them however, mixed in with a feeling of hurt and guilt. Their words still were at the back of Eren’s mind, and guilt-ridden tears already began to water at the corner of his eyes.
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.
“T-They yelled at me. Ignored me. And other things.”“Other things? Eren, tell me,” Levi shuffled around, moving and pulling Eren to lean against his chest, his legs parted around Eren. He felt Levi’s arms wrap around his waist, one hand moving up to run through his hair. Burning tears slipped past his closed eyes at the memories of his parent’s harsh words as his breathing became shaken and uneven, and Eren turned his head so that his cheek pressed into Levi’s tee shirt. Soft lips kissed the top of Eren’s head as he sucked in a hesitant breath.Normally, Eren would push away at a boy holding him so close like this. But this is Levi; so Eren let himself relax into his warm embrace, and let Levi’s free hand rest on top of Eren’s fidgeting ones.“My father… he said- he said I was a disappointment. That I was embarrassing to have as a child. And- and Levi- my mother, she didn’t say anything when- when he-”Eren let out a quiet sob, biting his lip to muffle the sounds.“What did he do, Eren?” Levi asked, voice soft and tender. “Did he hurt you?”Nodding into Levi’s chest, Eren didn’t even care that he was crying anymore. He let heaving cries escape his lips, let Levi lean to press a quick kiss to his forehead, his tears soaking Levi’s shirt.“I’m here, Eren, you can tell me. I won’t hurt you.”“H- He hit me! He hit me,” Eren rushed out. “Then… they didn’t even look at me for days. I wasn’t allowed to eat dinner on Friday. I thought- thought they hated me! Am I really that awful, Levi? Was what I did so bad? I- I- I didn’t mean to be late!”He felt Levi’s hands massage his hair, feeling comforted and safe in Levi’s arms. Levi would never hurt me. Levi understands me. He lets me cry. When Eren opened his eyes to gaze up at Levi he was met with a hard expression, but his next words were nothing but kind and soft.“Shh, Eren, breathe. What you did was not bad, you came home a little late that’s all. Your parents, Eren, are awful. Not you. Not you, never.” Levi pressed a finger to Eren’s chin, lifting his head up. Eren gazed at him with blurry, hazy eyes, and sighed when Levi leaned down to give a kiss to his forehead. Eren couldn’t hide the dazed expression etched into his features at Levi’s words; he wanted to protest and tell Levi that his parents weren’t awful, it was Eren’s fault for disobeying them. Yet Levi’s eyes were so gentle and his smile was so loving that Eren felt the words fall away from his tongue.“My- My parents?” Eren managed to stutter out after a moment of silence, feeling Levi’s hand move to hold his jaw, keeping Eren in place. His thumb stroked Eren’s cheek lightly.“Yes. Your father hit you, Eren, and your mother let him. They let you go to bed hungry and ignored you for almost a week. They are the ones that are awful, they are the ones you should be angry with. Not yourself, Eren, you have done nothing wrong.”Eren’s eyebrows furrowed slightly as he still gazed up at Levi. “I- I should be angry with them?”He had been angry, he’d been so angry that he had sworn at his mother in his head but after his parents were kind to him yesterday, and let Eren go out this afternoon, he wasn’t so sure if he should be. Eren’s punishment for disobeying them had ended, and his parents had not yelled at him or hit him since that Friday when he had come home late. Why would I still be angry?“Eren, they hurt you. Treated you terribly, made you cry. I’d be furious if that happened to me,” Levi leaned closer and Eren let out a little squeak when he kissed his cheek, his lips so close to the corner of Eren’s mouth, “I’m furious that they did that to you, Eren. I’d never hurt you, you’re too kind, and to know that they did that to you…” He pressed another kiss to Eren’s forehead, “Makes me angry. If I was there beside you, Eren, I’d never let anyone hurt you, I’d never let anyone make you cry.”Levi was inches apart from Eren and Eren knew that if by chance someone saw them then they would misunderstand what was happening. But Eren could barely focus on that, he could barely focus on anything other than Levi’s gentle words, and the way Levi’s free hand had moved away from where it rested against Eren’s jaw and was stroking Eren’s bare arm.“Doesn’t it make you angry?” Levi continued, “The way they treat you? The way they control you and lie to you? Aren’t you tired of them always being disappointed in you?”Eren couldn’t help but nod, feeling himself lean into Levi’s touch, thoughts focused on every word.“You did what you wanted, you stayed with my friends – you stayed with me – and they punished you for that. They punished you for wanting to be with me, Eren, don’t you understand?”Tears had dried on Eren’s cheeks now and he looked up at Levi with parted lips and glazed eyes. What Levi said made sense. He had only simply wanted to stay with Levi for a little longer, or to his parent’s knowledge, he had only studied an extra hour in the library. Was it really that bad?When Eren didn’t reply he felt Levi give his hand a gentle squeeze. “You believe me, don’t you Eren?”“Y-Yes,” Eren muttered out, feeling his cheeks grow hot, feeling himself sigh when Levi gave him a soft smile. His hands still massaged Eren’s hair and he could feel Levi’s steady heart beating in his ear as he leaned against Levi’s chest. Eren had never felt so at ease.His parents punished him because Eren wanted to be with Levi a little longer. It made sense, what Levi had said. That was the only reason they punished him – because he was out a little longer then he was meant to be. A part of Eren felt unsure at Levi’s words but Eren let those worries fade into the back of his mind, only focusing on what Levi had told him. Levi was older then Eren, he was free and knew so much more about the world than him. He had told Eren that he would never lie to him. What he said must be the truth, right? Why would Levi lie? He cared about Eren, it was obvious in the way he held him close and kissed his cheeks and let him cry into his shirt.His parents hurt him, ignored him, let him go hungry on Friday night. They hurt Eren even though he had done nothing wrong, he simply was home a little later than he was meant to be. They lied to him, they controlled him. Levi was right; Eren should be angry with them for what they did to him.“Do you understand, Eren? They want to keep us apart from each other, they don’t want you to see me, that’s what they’re doing. You should be angry with them, not yourself.”
They want us to be apart?
A feeling of panic pulsed throughout Eren’s blood, quickening his heartbeat and making his stomach twist with anxiety. He didn’t want to be apart from Levi. He didn’t want to not be able to see Levi anymore. It had only been a little over a week since Eren had last saw him and his chest had ached and he had dreams each night of Levi; if Eren was to never see him again, he felt like he would cry himself to sleep for the rest of his life. After all, Levi was the only person who understood him, right?“No… No I- I don’t want to be apart from you, Levi… I don’t want to go home today, I want to stay with you,” Eren mumbled, cheeks flushed with embarrassment at the request to stay with him. He pushed his head against Levi’s chest, breathing in the calming scent of vanilla, hiding his blush.Levi sighed softly and Eren felt him grab his hand and intertwine it with his own. “I’d love for you to stay with me, Eren, but I have a few late jobs I have to do this evening.”Eren’s shoulders slumped.“However,” Levi continued, and Eren looked up at him with pleading eyes. “You can visit me after. I’ll be free at around ten thirty o’clock.”
Ten thirty o’clock? Does he mean at night?
A crease formed where Eren’s eyebrows furrowed. “Levi, I can’t… my family will already be asleep and I won’t be allowed to leave the house past then.”“Then leave without them knowing. Stay up, and I’ll come find you. I can wait outside your door – don’t worry, I remember where you live, I made sure that on Friday you got inside before I left.”He felt his heart flip at the last comment, a shy smile tugging on his lips at the thought that Levi had made sure Eren had reached his home safe; but Eren still felt conflicted on what Levi had said. Leave his house in the middle of the night without his parents knowing? Eren can’t do that. What if they wake up? What if they notice he had left during the night and not let Eren see Levi again? It’s too big of a risk. Eren shook his head, a pout on his lips. “I can’t.”“Why? Are you worried about disobeying your parents? Eren, we’ve talked about this-”“I’m not,” Eren cut Levi off, and watched with hesitant eyes when Levi raised his brows and gazed at Eren a prying expression. Eren continued, “I just don’t want us to be caught.”Two weeks ago Eren would have never even considered the possibility of sneaking out of his own home in the middle of the night. Yet now, with Levi here beside him, Eren wants to. Besides, why should Eren listen to his parents anyway? As Levi had told him: Eren should be angry with them. They treated him terribly and ignored him for a week. Eren should do what he wants; he shouldn’t let himself be controlled by them anymore.Being angry with his parents was not the only reason Eren wanted to sneak out during the night. Simply thinking about it left Eren with a rush, an eager smile tugging on his lips, the butterflies in his stomach coming back to him once more. He’d never done something like that – lying to his parents about meeting Levi and going to Hanji’s café without anyone’s knowledge didn’t compare to this – and it made Eren feel excited. Nervous at the possibility of being caught, but excited nonetheless.It would also be an opportunity to be with Levi a little longer.Eren moved up to lean his head in the crook of Levi’s neck, twisting around to wrap his arms around Levi’s waist. His chest was flushed against Levi’s, and Eren pulse quickened at the tiny voice in his head that told him to move away, that boy’s should never be sitting like this with each other, and that it’s disgusting and a sin to do so. Yet when Levi let out a low chuckle and Eren felt his hands wrap around Eren’s back too, he abandoned his insecurities and worried thoughts and let himself sink into the warmth and comfort of Levi’s embrace. Besides, Levi would tell me if what we are doing is wrong, right? Levi knew what was right and wrong. I don’t. I only know what my parents tell me. “Eren, I’ll be with you the entire time. You trust me, don’t you?”He nodded.“So you know that I’ll make sure you’re not caught?”An insecure whine left Eren’s throat as he shuffled anxiously in Levi’s lap, pulling back just a little bit to look at Levi with worried eyes and a frown. “I- I trust you Levi, but I’m... still nervous.”“I know, angel.” Levi said softly, and Eren felt himself blush deeper, his chest tighten and his jaw go slack at the word Levi had called him. He gazed at Levi with wide eyes and parted lips, his throat dry at the sudden lack of words. Eren wanted to ask Levi why he would say such a thing – I’m not an angel, I’m just a boy, why would Levi say call me that? However, memories of their first meeting flickered across Eren’s mind, when Levi had called him cute and told Eren that it was okay for boy’s to give compliments each other. This must be another compliment, it’s not wrong, it’s just a simple nickname, Eren told himself. Maybe Levi did not know about angels, maybe that is why he called me that name.A slight warmth travelled over his body when Levi’s hands moved to his lower back as an intoxicating smile curled Levi’s lips. A shaky sigh escaped him as he felt himself he allured a little closer, his thoughts about what Levi had just called him slipping away from his mind.Levi continued, “But I’ll keep you safe. I’ll make sure you’re home before anyone wakes up.”“You promise?” Eren said, voice small.“I promise with my whole heart,” Levi’s little finger curled around Eren’s, and Eren giggled at the childish action, “I’ll keep you safe.”He pondered for a little moment, going over Levi’s words in his head. Eren had never snuck out during the middle of the night before. It was completely new and foreign to him, and he had no idea how it was meant to work. Where would Levi take him? Would Eren need to bring snacks? Blankets? Is Levi going to take him to his house? There were many things Eren had to think about.But Levi will be there with me, Eren said to himself. He said he will keep me safe. He’ll know what to do, right? And as long as I’m with Levi, I’m happy anyway. Whilst Eren was imagining the night ahead of him, Levi leaned closer to him, and pressed a little kiss to his cheek. It pulled Eren out of his daydream with a little gasp, and he felt the grip of Levi’s hand against his lower back tighten a little.“Levi?”“About your parents, Eren,” His voice was deep and low, and Eren shuddered as Levi whispered in his ear: “I can make sure they will never hurt you again.”
Never hurt me again?
Eren stared wide-eyed at the space behind Levi, another shudder rippling through his body when Levi moved to press a kiss against his jawline. His hands had found their way to the back of Levi’s shirt where they gripped, hard, as his pulse hammered in his chest and Eren’s breath hitched itself in the back of a suddenly tight throat. What is Levi doing?“H-How?” Eren squeaked out, eyes fluttering close as Levi pressed another kiss to a lower part of his jawline, a dark chuckle escaping his lips.“I have my ways, Eren. All you need to do is tell me. They’ll never hurt you again, you’ll never have to worry about them again, and you can stay with me as long as you like. Think about it, angel.”
I can stay with him as long as I like? I won’t have to worry about my parents again?
Before Eren could reply Levi had pulled away, gaze fixated onto Eren’s flushed face. A smirk played itself on Levi’s lips and Eren couldn’t help but sigh, eyes flickering from Levi’s narrowed blue-grey ones to his pink, plump lips and all Eren wanted to do is lean in. Any thoughts about what Levi had just said seemed to fall away, and now all Eren could think about was how Levi’s lips looked so soft.Eren couldn’t even comprehend what he was thinking; a dreamy haze blurring his mind. Painted in the colours of the sunset behind them, Levi looked beautiful, more beautiful than anyone Eren had ever seen. In Levi’s aura Eren felt himself allured to him, he felt himself wanting to be held by Levi, to hear Levi’s laugh and have Levi press his soft, pretty lips to his cheek.
Is this normal? What is happening to me? Why am I thinking like this?
Regardless of what was happening to Eren, all he knew is that it felt amazing. The butterflies in his stomach, the tingling warmth that rushed throughout his body at Levi’s gentle touches and tender words – it all felt good, so good and Eren never wanted the strange sensations to stop.“So, Eren, will I be seeing you later tonight?”Eren’s reply was immediate.“Yes!”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
A silence had fallen over the house hours ago, when Eren’s family had gone to bed. Yet he still laid awake, eyes-wide and heartbeat hammering in his chest. Eren was on his bed, leaning against the windowsill just above it with his head out of his window. An evening breeze felt cold against Eren’s flushed cheeks and he squinted in the darkness, gaze scanning the street for any sign of Levi.When Eren had come home after seeing Levi earlier that afternoon, he had spent dinner smiling into thin air, mind in a daze at imagining what the rest of his evening would be like. His parents had no idea that Eren was planning to leave in the middle of the night, and the thought made Eren’s heart flip. It would be the first time in Eren’s life that he has ever done something like this; outright disobeyed his parents on purpose – more than simply coming home late or telling white lies – and it would be a lie to say that Eren was not completely and utterly thrilled.As Eren waited, head lazily resting in his palm as he leaned on the windowsill, his thoughts and imaginations began to wonder. After dinner, when Mikasa and himself had been washing the dishes, Eren had briefly considered asking his sister about the foreign emotions Eren felt towards Levi. By now, Eren was sure that it was not simply because Levi was the first new friend he had in a while. There was something different about Levi, something that nobody else Eren knew had.Maybe it was his beautiful grey eyes with the twists of dark blue swirls in them. Maybe it was Levi’s gentle, warm hands and how they’d bring sparks to Eren’s skin whenever they touched him. Maybe it was his soft, pink lips and how it made Eren want to simply lean in, and feel what they felt like.That is why Eren decided it would be best not to tell Mikasa. She wouldn’t understand what Eren was feeling, anyway. Levi would. Levi would know what was wrong with Eren.When a dark figure appeared out of the corner of the street and walked into the moonlight, Eren had to bite back an eager gasp. There he was – Levi – the boy who had occupied his dreams for nights on end. He stood in the middle of the street, a backpack slung over his shoulder and looked up to where Eren waved from the window with a wide smile. A full moon was out that night to their advantage, meaning Eren and Levi would not need a lantern to see where they walked.Without missing a heartbeat Eren hurried out of his room, slowing down to gently shut his door close. Excitement flowed through him and a wide, toothy grin etched itself across his face. Even if he tried, his features would be unable to hide the sheer happiness and thrill that Eren felt. His steps were light and slow as he went down the wooden stairs, his fingertips tracing along the wall, his heart leaping at every tiny creek and crack of the floorboards beneath his weight.As he reached the front door Eren took one final glance at the dark, silent hallway behind him. There was an ounce of guilt in his heart; remains of Eren’s doubt towards Levi’s plan. He knew Levi would be waiting for him in the cold night air, just outside the door, but Eren hesitated for just a moment.
Should I really be doing this?
Memories of Levi’s words flickered into his mind and Eren let out a sigh.
Don’t let them control you.
He opened the door, let himself fall into Levi’s arms and left his home behind. “Where are we going, Levi?” Eren asked as he skipped alongside Levi, their fingers intertwined. Shivers were felt against the bare skin of his lower arms from the night breeze and the full moon above lit the surrounding streets. They had been walking for almost twenty minutes now, making small talk with each other about how the rest of their evenings had been.A feeling of contentment had settled inside Eren. He couldn’t help his dreamy smile as his gaze set itself onto Levi, who looked almost magical in the pale moonlight.“Where do you think, angel?” Levi’s tone was low and he threw a playful smirk in Eren’s direction. It left Eren with blushed cheeks and he leaned a little closer, resting his head on Levi’s shoulder and squeezing Levi’s hand a little. They had passed the town square and now the duo was heading towards the outer suburbs of Shiganshina. If Eren squinted in the distance, he could see the first set of tall, evergreen trees through the tiled rooftops.“To the forest?”“That’s right. I wanted to take you there. I’d thought we could have a little picnic.”Eren smiled. “Is that what your backpack is full of? Food?”“Food, drinks, other various things I needed earlier on.” Levi turned his head, pressing a kiss to Eren’s cheek which earned him a surprise gasp. “A spare change of clothes.”“Should I have brought a spare change of clothes?” He felt his stomach twist.Eren had no idea how this whole, sneaking-out situation worked. He had brought nothing with him but the clothes he wore and assumed that it would be all he had needed. Besides, the past times that Eren and Levi had hung out there was nothing that he needed to bring with him.“No, no, it’s okay,” Levi chuckled as they rounded another corner. “Just brought them in case we wanted to go swimming and I got these ones a little wet. You don’t need to worry, Eren.”Around the bend, the houses seemed to fade away behind them, and the cobblestone road descended off the raised grounds of the city and now led through flat farming fields. Eren and Levi continued to walk, the forest in front of them looming closer. On either side of the duo where various farming crops, such as rice, potatoes and wheat. To Eren’s left was the river, and if he listened closely he could hear the faint splashes of the water against the bank. It was open land, but they were alone and unseen in the sleeping night.“Swimming? Last time I swum in the forest side of the river was two summers ago.”“Hmm? Why’d you stop?”Eren hesitated a little, eyes diverting to the now-gravel road beneath his feet. “Well, you know… someone died there. Do you remember? That woman? She was found hanging in one of the trees.”“But that was years ago,” Levi said after a moment of silence, nudging Eren’s shoulder playfully. He didn’t seem fazed at Eren’s comment, his tone still lively. “Are you scared to be in the forest?”“N-No. It was my mother who wouldn’t let us go back.”“What about now? Since there was that woman who was murdered here almost two weeks ago. Would your mother be angry if she found out you went back there with me?”A stillness fell over them as Eren’s steps halted. Levi twisted around from a few paces ahead, cocking his head to the side, an eyebrow raised at Eren’s stiff figure. At Eren’s sides his fists curled as his breath hitched itself in the back of his tightening throat. For the past few days, Eren had completely forgotten about the woman’s body who was found in the forest side of the river. He’d been too busy focused on his parents and Levi that, even when he guessed correctly that they were visiting the forest, Eren had not even thought about it for a second.The latter half of Levi’s words – would your mother be angry if she found out you went back there with me – replayed again in Eren’s head. It made his stomach twist now that Levi had mentioned it.He felt his hand being squeezed and Eren looked up from the ground, finding Levi gazing at him with a soft smile. Moonlight from above dusted his features in a cool blue tone, his skin looking soft and his eyes – Levi’s stunning, ocean-grey eyes – looked brighter than usual in the night light.When Levi took a step forward and softly placed his hands on the sides of Eren’s jaw, his thumbs resting on each cheek, Eren could feel himself lean into the tender touch.“Don’t worry about what your mother will think, angel.”“B-but she’ll be upset-”“You won’t ever tell her, though, right? About this little adventure of ours? About us?”Eren’s eyebrows furrowed as he paused, a small sigh falling from his lips. “Do you want me to?”“Never,” Levi said, rising on his toes to press a gentle kiss to Eren’s forehead. “Don’t tell her… or anyone… about us, Eren. They won’t understand us. They won’t want us to be together like we are.”Levi sat back on the flats of his feet, chin raised to meet Eren’s hazy eyes. “Promise me, Eren?”
They won’t understand us. Mother, father, Mikasa, Armin… they won’t want us to be together.
“I promise, I’ll never… never tell anyone, Levi. About us.” Eren breathed out, loving the way Levi caressed his face; it left his skin tingling, and Levi’s hands were so warm against him.“Good.” Levi replied with a hum, and pressed another kiss to Eren’s cheek. Eren’s eyes fluttered close and he pushed himself a little closer to the other boy, his hands brushing up to wrap around Levi’s back. He let Levi kiss his other blushing cheek, his lips slowly touching his skin, and resting there for a little longer than usual.When Levi pulled back Eren opened his eyes to gaze at him dreamily, a little smile curving on his lips. He studied Levi’s face; the small freckles across his nose that were faintly seen in the moonlight, his rough and dark eyebrows that framed his eyes, and his plump, pink lips that twisted up into a smirk that Eren had grown to adore over such a short amount of time.Levi’s lips look so soft, Eren thought. I wonder how they feel? “Eren,” Levi called his name as he stepped back. He grabbed one of Eren’s hands softly, giving him a reassuring smile. “Are you scared of the forest?”“No. I have you with me.”Levi chuckled. He pulled Eren with him, towards the forest, and away from the city. The canopy of the forest blocked out the majority of the moonlight, and the air around them was thick with the smell of moss, decaying leaves and wood. Tall, dark oak trees rose above him and the over-grown, gravel path beneath his feet crackled as they walked. Eren stayed close to Levi, holding tightly onto his hand, his arm wrapped around his and their shoulders brushing against each other. At each sound of a scurrying animal or cracking stick beneath their feet Eren felt the hairs on his skin rise.When they reached the river bank Eren let out a sigh of relief. Moonlight shone down on them again as the canopy had thinned against the river bank, and Eren took off his shoes as Levi did and sat down beside him on the sand. Soft waves pulled by the gentle wind splashed against the bank, and with the sounds of the forest behind him, it was the only thing that Eren could hear. On the slow, rippling water of the lake was the reflected image of the full moon. Eren thought it was beautiful.“You know,” Eren said as Levi pulled out food from his backpack. “You remind me of the moon.”“How?”“I don’t know. You just do. The moon is beautiful… and… so are you.”Eren blushed when Levi chuckled, and a small smile curled his lips when Levi turned to gaze at him. His breath hitched in his throat as Levi leaned in, pressing a kiss to Eren’s cheek before pulling back to continue setting up their picnic.
I wonder how his lips feel.
“Well, you remind me of the sun, then. Full of light.”A deep grin flashed across Eren’s face at the comment.Levi finished unpacking his backpack. On a red blanket that he had laid on the ground was a dark bottle of something Eren didn’t know, sourdough bread, mandarins and grapes. Eren watched in silence as Levi unscrewed the bottle lid and took a sip of whatever liquid was inside.“What is it?” Eren questioned, cocking his head to the side at Levi’s smirk.“Tequila.”“What’s tequila?”“Alcohol.”A small oh left Eren’s lips. He watched as Levi took another sip, jaw-slack. When Eren had met Levi’s friends, and Isabel had told him that she frequently drank alcohol despite not being the legal age of twenty, Eren had also assumed that Levi probably did, too. Though Eren never thought he’d see Levi drinking around him, let alone being so open about it.“That’s illegal, you know. You’re not twenty.”“Nobody is here but us, Eren. Alcohol feels good; why should I wait until I’m twenty to have it?” Levi replied, and he pushed the opened bottle towards Eren with a raised brow. “Do you want some?”Eren shook his head, but a slither of interest rose within him. Before, Eren had never even wanted to know what it tasted like; but Levi said alcohol feels good. His eyebrows furrowed as he eyed the bottle that was still held in front of him, as if it was waiting for Eren to simply take a sip.
A lot of things that I didn’t think of doing before I have done with Levi all felt… good. What Levi said was true… there’s nobody else here but us. It won’t be so bad if I have just a little, right?
His hand reached out and Eren grabbed the neck of the bottle away from Levi. It was heavy and warm. Eren brought it closer and leaned down to smell it; his face scrunching up at the strong, unfamiliar scent, and he heard Levi laugh at him in the background.
Just a little sip. It’ll be fine, right? Mother and father are not here to see us. And… the Lord… he’ll forgive me if I pray, right?
As he lifted the bottle, Eren hesitated. When Eren was younger, his parents had always told him that alcohol, drugs, and sex were all selfish desires. He could almost hear his parent’s voices in the back of his mind, telling him to put the bottle down and not be selfishly sinful.“Eren?”“I- It’s- Levi- I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s… illegal, it’s a- a selfish thing for me. I’m sorry.” Eren lowered the bottle, holding it in his lap.A moment of silence passed before Eren felt Levi’s hand on his thigh. Memories of that evening at Hanji’s café flashed across Eren’s mind as his throat grew tight. Levi shuffled over, his shoulder leaning against the back of Eren’s. He felt Levi’s hand on his lower back, his leg against Eren’s thigh. At the feeling of his breath against the nape of his neck Eren almost gasped, his toes curling into the sand.“Rules are just rules. Doesn’t always make them correct. You’re fifteen, you’re not a child, aren’t you?” Levi’s hand on his thigh moved to wrap around where Eren gripped the bottle.“N-No. I’m not a child…”“So why should you let some strangers dictate what you can’t do, angel?” Levi breathed out, and Eren let out a gasp as he felt Levi’s lips kiss the nape of his neck. “Don’t let them control you.”“B-But… my parents… said those things were selfish to want…”“What things?”“Alcohol… drugs… s-sex…”“Oh no, Eren,” Levi said, his arm on Eren’s lower back moving to silk around his waist, kneading into Eren’s side. “Those aren’t selfish at all. It’s perfectly human to want those things.”“Is it?” Eren mumbled out a reply, his eyes fluttering closed.“They’ve lied to you; made you think you’re wrong for wanting to do what you like,” Levi purred, a shudder going down Eren’s spine. “Don’t you want this, Eren? Just take a sip. It’ll be okay.”
Don’t let them control you.
I want this, don’t I?
He let Levi move the bottle to his lips.“There you go, have a little sip. Good boy.”At the feeling of the unknown liquid sliding down his throat Eren almost choked, but he took a few more gulps of the tequila, wanting to make Levi happy and to show him that he wasn’t letting his parents control him. It burned, and the taste was bitter and foul on his tongue. With a choked gasp Eren finished, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as Levi screwed the lid back onto the bottle. Within seconds Eren’s stomach felt warm, and the burning sensation faded.“It’s always rough when you first drink it. You’ll get used to it with time,” Levi mumbled, dropping the closed bottle on the blanket beside them and wrapping his arms around Eren’s waist. “How do you feel?”“Warm.”“The effects will hit you soon, don’t worry. It’ll take only a few minutes.”Levi was right. They sat against each other for a few more moments as Eren felt his head grow a little hazier. A lazy smile curled his lips as he leaned back against Levi’s touch, enjoying hearing Levi’s chuckle in his ear and the feeling of his chest against Eren’s back. No words were spoken. Levi’s hands rested against Eren’s stomach as Eren let out a small giggle and pushed his head into the crook of Levi’s neck, an alcohol-induced blush reaching his cheeks.“Levi,” Eren giggled out after a few minutes of silence, dragging the last of Levi’s name on his tongue. “Everything seems so funny.”“You are a light-weight, aren’t you?”“Light-weight?” Eren pulled his head back, twisting around in Levi’s hold to look at him. “I’m big! I’m a little taller than you! I’m not light. I’m not a baby.”“Light-weight means you get tipsy quickly,” Levi chuckled, his hands resting now against Eren’s lower back. He guided Eren into his lap, and Eren wrapped his legs around Levi’s waist instinctively. His voice lowered as he leaned up, pressing a little kiss to Eren’s jawline. “Do you feel good, Eren?”Eren nodded, leaning into Levi’s touch. “I want more! Everything feels so… nice.”He reached to his side for the bottle, and Levi watched him with a smirk as Eren took a few more sips, eyes clenched close at the burning feeling in his throat.
Levi is always right… this feels so good.
After a few more minutes went past, Eren could barely focus. He leaned against Levi’s chest, the bottle once again discarded on the blanket beside them. Levi had grabbed the grapes at Eren’s request, and had been feeding them to Eren who looked up at him with a dreamy smile.“Levi, we- we should swim,” Eren said with a little hiccup, before opening his mouth and letting Levi feed him another grape. His stomach felt warm and Eren’s face was flushed from the alcohol. Minutes ago Eren’s arms had found their way around Levi’s neck, and Eren’s hands ran through his soft black locks playfully. His gaze kept dashing to Levi’s lips, and a part of Eren desperately wanted to touch them, to see how soft they’d feel.Levi had a few sips of the tequila as well, but Eren was unsure whether he felt as giggly as he did.Without letting Levi reply Eren pushed himself off his lap, his body swaying a little from the alcohol as he stumbled over to the river’s edge. Cool water washed over his toes, and Eren looked over his shoulder at Levi with a shy smile. Levi laid back, propping himself up on his hands. A sly smirk curled his lips as he raised a brow at Eren. “Are you going to swim fully clothed?”“Uh, ah… n-no,” Eren squeaked out a reply, another nervous giggle leaving his lips. He turned back around, feeling the alcohol cloud his thoughts and started to pull up the hem of his tee shirt. Levi’s gaze burned into Eren’s back as a deep blush dusted his features. It wasn’t because Levi was watching him – Eren wanted him too, oddly enough – but because of the little voice in the back of his head that made Eren worry if Levi would think he was… ugly.Even when Eren has gone swimming with his family and friends, he usually brings a spare tee-shirt to swim in, as his parents don’t like him showing off his bare skin. Yet Eren felt too happy, too giggly, too good to even worry about what his parents would think. Levi was here, and Levi clearly would think it was weird for Eren to swim fully clothed; and right now, Levi’s opinion was all that mattered to Eren.The tee-shirt was thrown behind him without a glance, and Eren’s arms defensively wrapped around to cover his stomach as he heard Levi’s footsteps come up from behind.“Why are you covering your stomach like that?” Levi said, his hands pushing Eren’s arms away.“Because- Because I don’t want you to-” Eren spun around, gaze landing on a shirtless Levi as his eyes comically widened. His jaw went slack, and a tiny, breathy wow left is lips.
Levi… is so… attractive…
He stood before Eren with a smug smirk, his eyebrow raised and head cocked to the side. There was not an ounce of insecurity in the way Levi held himself; with pushed back shoulders, a high chin, and his smirk. Levi was toned, his arms strong and muscles defined, and whilst his chest was firm and showed no abs, Eren knew if Levi clenched they would appear.Without hesitation Eren’s fingers moved to gently trace over Levi’s chest, his skin warm and smooth to the touch. At first it was only fingertips until he felt a little bolder, and pressed his hand flat to Levi’s chest, feeling the strong muscle beneath the surface. Warmth spread throughout Eren; to his ears and neck, to the pit of his stomach. His hands that touched Levi tingled and a part of him wanted to let himself fall against Levi, and feel his skin against his own.“Because you don’t want me to what, angel?” Levi’s words cut through Eren’s thoughts and he pulled his hand back, only to have Levi grab it and push it against his chest once more. “You can touch me if you want. I don’t really mind at all.”A shy smile reached Eren’s face and he bit his lip lightly, hand curiously moving over Levi’s chest as he looked at him through his lashes. He hesitated for a moment before replying to Levi’s question: “I… I didn’t want you to think I was ugly…”“I think you’re cute, did you forget that? Do you think I’d think you’re less cute with your shirt off?”“Yes…”“Well I’ll have you know…” Levi wrapped his arm around Eren’s lower back, pulling him in a little closer. Both of Levi’s hands then moved to touch the top of Eren’s chest before they went lower, slowly and gently before they reached Eren’s hips. “You’re even more cute like this. All flustered and embarrassed. Has anyone ever even seen you like this before?”“N-No,” Eren stuttered out before a sudden gasp left his lips when Levi pressed a kiss against his neck. Instinctively Eren moved his head up, giving Levi a little more room, his eyes fluttering closed as another kiss was pressed against the sensitive skin on his neck. The warmth in the pit of his stomach grew as he twisted around and let his arms lazily wrap around Levi.“Good. I want to be the only one who can see you like this, understand?”
Like… this? What does he mean?
“Y-You don’t want me to take my… shirt off… in front of others?”“Yes.”Eren let out a breathy laugh. “I- I wasn’t planning too…”It was true. A sober part of Eren was wondering why in the world he’s doing this, why he’s showing his bare skin to Levi, a boy, something that his mother and father would consider to be very, very wrong; but the other part of Eren was sinking into a feeling of bliss that rushed through his veins.Levi’s hands intertwined with Eren’s and he let out a high-pitched, giggling scream as Levi swiftly dragged him into the river, pulling him down into the cool and dark water. Any of the warmth within Eren’s stomach disappeared instantly. Sounds of splashing water and Levi’s laugh reached his ears before he ducked below the surface, dulling the world around him for only a moment until he broke through the water again and gasped for air. His hair was pushed back off his head as was Levi’s, and he looked at him with a wide grin.At the first thought of it Eren splashed Levi with the water, hitting him in the face, and it quickly became a playful fight between them. Eren laughed loudly before almost choking as the water hit his face, and he returned it to Levi by cupping the water in his hands and throwing it at him. The sounds of their laughter mixed in with the crashing water, and Eren never felt happier.After a few minutes their water fight ceased, both of them gasping and giggling into the night air. At this side of the river the water became deep quickly and they were only a few metres away from the river bank, but Eren could already not touch the river floor beneath him. He grabbed onto Levi, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Both their legs kicked in sync below them to keep them afloat as Eren leaned his head against Levi’s shoulder. The moon illuminated their faces and the world around them. A small silence fell over them.It was cold in the river, but Eren felt warm inside at having Levi next to him.Eren pulled back, his wistful gaze locked with Levi’s. There was nobody else around, just them, swimming in the middle of the night under the full moon. Eren had never done something like this before in his life, but being here with Levi: he loved it. It made a thrilling rush go through him and Eren wondered why he spent all his years only imagining the feeling of freedom. He smiled dreamily at Levi, who had leaned closer till their foreheads touched. Here he was free. Away from his parents, away from his obedient friends, away from the stern rules of his God. Here it was just Levi and Eren.He sucked in a deep breath as his hands hesitantly moved to the sides of Levi’s face. Levi’s eyes were narrowed, his expression one of calm and contentment. Eren’s gaze flickered to Levi’s lips and he watched as they curved into a knowing smirk. The thumping of his heartbeat drummed in his ears. Eren’s jaw was slack, his lips parted, his cheeks flushed and he instinctively moved just a little closer.
His lips look so soft… would they feel as soft against my own?
The sober part of his conscious was screaming at him to move away, that he shouldn’t be thinking sinful, selfish thoughts; but the better part of Eren’s judgement was blurred from the alcohol and the sheer happiness that he felt in Levi’s embrace.One of Levi’s arms pressed against his back and the other rested on the back of his upper thigh, pulling him closer to a position similar to if Eren was sitting on Levi’s lap, as he rested most of his weight on Levi’s lifted knee in the water. They were so close that Eren could feel Levi’s heartbeat in his chest, see each tiny flicker of blue and grey in Levi’s eyes, and each faded freckle across his nose.“Are you alright, angel?” Levi’s tone was low, each sound rolling off his tongue. Eren sighed, nodding his head, eyes still fixated on the tiny details of Levi’s face.“L-Levi…” Eren said with a slight hiccup. “Sometimes you- you say words funny.”“Hmm? Do you mean my accent, Eren?”“Accent! Yes… where are you from? You don’t speak like w- we do.”“Near the capitol.”He pulled back with a little wow, looking at Levi with wide eyes. “Ah! That so- so cool! Levi, Levi…”As the world began to spin Eren rested his head on Levi’s shoulder, a smile curling his lips, his arms moving to wrap around Levi’s neck. The thoughts in his head began to blur and Eren’s eyes fluttered close; anything he was going to say about Levi being from the capitol was forgotten as the warmth from Levi’s body seemingly allured him into a sleepy, dazed state.Eren barely noticed that they were waving through the water until he felt Levi’s grip around himself tighten as he was lifted out of the water. Air cooled his skin immediately and Eren shivered closer to Levi as they walked backwards onto the beach. He was laid on the spare space of the picnic blanket, his chest exposed and arms curling around himself.There was shuffling to his side before a warm sweater thrown over him. “Wear it or use it as a blanket, I don’t mind. Do you want more mandarins? Or some sourdough bread, maybe?”Opening his eyes slowly Eren looked to his side where Levi sat cross-legged, now wearing a clean navy-blue tee shirt. Between them were the left-over food and the half-empty bottle of tequila laying on the red blanket. Eren pulled himself up with a small groan, feeling the world spin, and pulled the warm, black sweater over his head. It smelled of vanilla, of Levi, and a small smile reached his face as it shielded him from the cool night air.“More mandarins! I love mandarins. They’re so… orange!” Eren giggled at Levi. He grabbed one of the mandarins and began to poorly peel it, squinting at it as he tried to concentrate. But with the world spinning Eren could barely peel it open, and he threw it on the blanket with a frustrated whine.“I can’t do it! Levi!” Eren pouted, dragging out the last syllable of Levi’s name. When he heard Levi’s chuckle and saw the other boy peel it open with ease Eren gasped in drunken surprise. “You’re so cool! I can’t do that! Levi, how- how you do that!”“You’re just a little drunk Eren, don’t worry. Here, open up,” Levi leaned across the blanket, and popped a slice of the mandarin in Eren’s mouth. Eren hummed in contentment and grinned.“Levi, my head feels so funny... I feel like I’m falling! Am I falling? Levi?”“No, angel, it’s just the alcohol.”“Ah- the te-tequila! I like it!”“You do?” Levi raised a brow, crawling over to where Eren sat. He pressed a kiss to Eren’s cheek. “You can have some more another time then, maybe? Would you like that?”“I want more now!”“You’ll have a terrible headache tomorrow if you have anymore, Eren.”Eren whined, and fell to the side. His head now rested on Levi’s thigh, and he looked up to where Levi loomed over him with a smirk. Levi continued to feed him the remaining slices of the mandarin, but Eren wanted the alcohol more than that. It made everything seem so fun, even if it also made Eren feel like he was swaying where he laid on the ground. It was odd to think that he really believed he would never have it until he was twenty years old. Levi was right, why should Eren wait to he is twenty if alcohol makes him feel so happy?
Levi makes me so happy, too.
“Next time… We should- should drink it together.” Eren spoke into the silence after he had the last slice of the mandarin fed to him.“As long as you don’t tell any of your friends about us, we will. We’ll do whatever you want to do.”“Is that- that all I have to do?” Eren paused, hiccupping before he continued, “Not tell anyone?”Levi hummed in response.“Okay,” Eren said, smiling up at Levi. “I would do whatever you- you want me to do, anyway.”“Is that so?”“Yes! I- I want to make you happy. You’re so pretty, Levi!”A low chuckle left Levi’s lips and he leaned down, kissing a sighing Eren’s forehead. When he pulled back, an intoxicating smirk was etched across his face. There was something a little different about his expression, something that Eren couldn’t understand, but he didn’t care. When Levi’s hands moved to play with his hair, the other holding his hand in his own, Eren felt the rush and tingling of his skin that he had grown to crave over the past two weeks. In his drunken state, Levi was all that mattered.“You’ll do whatever I want you to?” Levi raised a brow, his hand moving from Eren’s own to his face, cupping one of Eren’s flushed cheek. “Good boy. I’m glad to hear that.”“Y-You understand me, Levi. I feel like… nobody else does.”“It’s true. I am the only one who understands you. Everyone else are liars to you Eren, and they stop you from being free, stop you from doing what you want to do. But not me,” A sigh left Eren’s lips as one of Levi’s fingers ran over them, and he felt the blood rush to his cheeks. Levi continued, “I’ll never hurt you, or lie to you. That’s why we’re so good together. That’s why you like spending time with me, don’t you, Eren? You love being here with me.”Eren nodded, feeling allured in Levi’s presence, focused on everything he said. My parents are liars. Levi won’t lie to me. They… they want to control me… stop me from being free…Every part of Eren’s body was beginning to relax. With Levi’s sweater on and Levi so close to him he was surrounded by his comforting scent and warmth. It made the desire to sleep in Levi’s embrace incredibly desirable. His eyes fluttered closed and Eren hummed quietly.“Are you sleepy, Eren?”“Very,” He mumbled a reply, feeling Levi’s fingers run through his still-damp hair again. “Levi… so warm… so comfortable…”“Fall asleep if you want to, Eren. I’ll watch over you. When you wake up you’ll be home in your bed.”“You’ll… take me… home? Levi… but I’m heavy…” Eren giggled, turning to hide his face in Levi’s stomach."I promise you aren't, angel." "Levi… Levi so caring to me…”“Because I care about you more than anyone else.”A sleepy, small smile curled Eren’s lips. The world still spun, even with his eyes closed, but Eren knew that he was forever safe in Levi’s arms.In the silence of the night he quickly drifted to sleep, heart full on Levi’s words. When Eren awoke he was in his bed. Sunlight shone into the room and he squinted, sitting up to pull his curtains across the window hastily as a pounding in his head hammered against his skull. Memories of last night, though a little blurred, were still clear enough to remember. Late night swims, alcohol and falling asleep in a boy’s arms… things that Eren would have never thought of doing. Yet all of it felt amazing. All of it made Eren so happy that he wondered why he had never done it before.He looked to his bedside table, where a glass of water was placed over a folded piece of paper. Eren furrowed his eyebrows, and gulped down the water quickly before he grabbed the piece of paper. On the paper was a note, written in curled writing.
'To the most beautiful boy, Eren -
I didn't want to wake you up, so I let myself inside and carried you to your bed. I also grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen for you. You might have a headache still, and maybe feel a little unwell, but it'll go away by the evening. I ripped this from one of your school books that was on your desk, I hope you don't mind.
If you can, we can meet again on Wednesday at our usual time and place. I'll miss you every moment until then. I hope you had fun last night, I know I did. Please don't feel guilty for what we did together, I know you sometimes do. But remember: we did nothing wrong. Do not tell anyone about us or last night, too.
You can keep my jumper. You look cute in it, and it suits you.
See you then,
Levi.'
With a warm smile Eren gazed down at Levi’s black jumper that still hugged his features tightly. It smelled of vanilla and Levi, and Eren wrapped his arms around himself as he fell back against his bed with a happy whine. The note was clasped in his hands, and he kept holding it above his head to look at it and Levi's cursive writing. Levi calling Eren the most beautiful, saying he can keep his jumper, that he had fun last night was enough to leave Eren's cheeks a pale pink.He could hear the sounds of Mikasa walking down the hallway, and his parents faint voices from downstairs. It was a school day today, and even though Eren slept less hours than normal, Levi's letter to him left him giddily and wide awake with delight. From the moment he woke up, Eren was counting down the hours until he saw Levi again.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was Wednesday lunch time, and Eren would be seeing Levi again in a little under four hours. He’d spent each moment without him daydreaming of their next encounter, of soft kisses to his cheeks and holding Levi’s warm hand in his own. Last night he had even slept in Levi’s jumper again, imagining being snug in Levi’s embrace. It was a little bit embarrassing – Eren’s attachment to Levi – and he wondered whether anyone would understand why.He knew nobody would ever understand though. Eren had promised not to tell anyone about Levi, and besides, there was nobody else but Levi that understood him. Right? That’s what he said.Currently Eren sat in his school seat, his lunch box opened on the desk in front of him. Mr Pyxis, their teacher, sat at his wide wooden desk at the front of the classroom grading papers. Armin was to Eren’s right, Mikasa had turned in her seat to join them and Ymir, Historia, Jean, Sasha and Connie had also dragged their seats and lunchboxes over to form a circular shape around their desks.The large window above the blackboard at the front of the room, and the window to Eren’s left let enough sunlight in to illuminate the high-walled school building. His friends were deep in conversation around them, but Eren’s gaze stayed fixated on his half-eaten sandwich. A blush dusted his cheeks as he was deep in thought about Monday night.Levi was… beautiful. Though it was not the word that Eren wanted to use to describe him; in that moment at the river shore, he was different. Would… handsome be the word? Is it okay to think Levi is handsome?
I can’t believe I even touched his chest… what is wrong with me?
His blush deepened at the memory of feeling Levi’s soft bare skin beneath his fingertips and at Levi telling Eren that he could touch him if he wanted to. It made Eren even more confused at the fact that he did want to. He liked seeing Levi shirtless, he liked touching his chest, he liked feeling physically close to him. Never in his life had Eren felt such a way towards anyone, except maybe the young carpenter that used to live down the road from him a few years ago.Though that was far less intense, and Eren thought it was simply because when he was thirteen he was briefly fascinated with wood-making, and therefore he wanted to become closer with the man.
Really… what is wrong with me? Does Armin feel like this around other boys? Am I sick?
No… No… I’m not sick. Levi said we’re doing nothing wrong. He would know if I was sick.
“Eren? Are you okay? Your face is really red. Do you have a fever?”It was Historia’s voice, and Eren was pulled out of his thoughts. When he looked up he met the curious gazes of his friends, and Mikasa’s narrowed and concerned eyes.“Y-Yeah, ah, I’m okay,” Eren let out a nervous chuckle, arm reaching up to scratch the back of his neck as he gave his friends a sheepish smile.“Did you hear what Jean was talking about?” Mikasa said, gesturing to where Jean sat beside her. “You know that man who owns the blacksmith on the north side?”“Um, I think so? Why?”“He was found murdered early this morning.”Eren stiffened. He stared at Mikasa with wide-eyes. “W-What?”“It was pretty gruesome too,” Jean said, lazily resting his head in the palm of his hand as if he was simply talking about the weather and not someone’s death. “Guts everywhere, the military police said. His bloody handprints on the walls. Even the head was off his body-”“Jean,” Ymir cut him off. “Shut up. Ya’ making Historia uncomfortable. We don’t need to hear the details about the man’s murder again.”“I didn’t even get to the most interesting part-”“Seriously?” It was Armin this time, his voice raised a little. “The most interesting part? Look, Eren’s face already seems paler, he doesn’t need to hear about it.”“N-No, I want to,” Eren said, gulping back the lump in his throat. Imagining the scene that the military police must have found made a cold shiver race down his spine, but Eren was still widely curious, and he wanted to know what Jean had to say.His friends’ heads turned to where Eren sat still. Armin furrowed his eyebrows, rolling his eyes before flickering his hand in Jean’s direction to gesture him to continue.“Okay, well, there was writing on the walls.”“Writing?” Eren cocked his head to the side. “Like a message?”“Yeah, written in the poor man’s blood. Probably from whoever killed him.”Eren paused. “And? What does it say?”“Are you sure you really want to know-” It was Mikasa’s concerned tone, but her voice trailed off when Eren gave her a narrowed glare. He wasn’t an innocent child, and he did not need Mikasa to treat him like he was unable to hear of a murder without breaking down. Besides, now his curiosity was really growing inside of him. What sort of killer leaves a message?“Uh… well in the newspaper, it said… the writing said, ‘Payment must be given’. The military police said it may be related to those gang crimes.” Jean sucked in a deep breath, pausing to dart his gaze around the circle of silent schoolchildren, before continuing. “But… but why would a blacksmith be a part of a gang? That’s what has me so confused.”“Guess we don’t really know people as well as we think we do.” It was Sasha, mumbling from where she leaned against Connie’s shoulder. Her voice was strangely dull, different to her usual upbeat tone. Her brown locks fell slightly over her eyes. “I don’t think he was a part of the gang though.”“Huh? But then why would a gang member kill him?” Connie said.“It said payment right? In the message. Maybe he asked them to do him a favour, and then didn’t give the money, so they killed him.” Sasha shrugged, as if it was the simplest concept.Eren sat in silence, tight-lipped with furrowed brows. His mind wondered back to the Ackerman family that his father and Rod Reiss had secretly talked about in their study two weeks ago, and then at the church on Sunday. They had said that the Ackermans were a family of violence. Are they related to the man’s murder? Are they a gang? There were at least four gangs in Shiganshina, that Eren knows, but whether the Ackermans were simply a violent family or a fully-run gang, Eren had no idea. He knew barely anything about the Ackerman family.
Maybe Levi knows. Levi seemed interested about them. Should I ask him this afternoon?
Eren took a bite out of his sandwich, the voices of his friends now deep in another conversation dimmed in the background. It was twelve thirty in the afternoon. Lunch would be finishing soon, and their classes would resume for the day. Much like the morning, Eren knew he would be unable to focus much on what Mr Pyxis was teaching. His thoughts had been preoccupied with Levi, and now, the strange death of the blacksmith in northern Shiganshina. All simply curious distractions. Hours later the town clock-tower rang to signal that it was three o’clock. His friends quickly shoved their schoolbooks into their bags, shouting out rushed goodbyes to Mr Pyxis and the other classmates before leaving. When Mr Pyxis had let the class go for the afternoon, it took Eren a few moments to even move, as he was so deep in a daydream about his night with Levi a few days ago that he’d not even noticed his classmates standing up.Armin and Mikasa were already waiting outside the front door for Eren, and with a quick glance through the window he could see them talking to Sasha and Annie, a blonde girl from the town of Trost who had moved two months ago. Eren buckled closed his bag and swung it over his shoulder, saying a quick goodbye to his teacher without even looking up. He turned, taking only a few steps towards the door before he felt Mr Pyxis’ hand on his shoulder. Eren twisted around, gazing up at his teacher with furrowed eyebrows.“Sir? Do you want me to pass along a message to my parents?” Eren asked. Mr Pyxis was also a regular member of their church, and in the past he has asked Eren to give little messages to his parents. So Eren simply assumed that this would be the case again, but confusion rose within him when Mr Pyxis shook his head with a slight frown.“Actually, I’m here to talk to you. I’ve noticed you’ve been more distracted than usual these past few weeks.” He paused, letting his hand fall from Eren’s shoulder. “You’ve never been the one to pay full attention in my class, regardless of whether it is because you’re simply unfocused or if you really do have some… issues. But I’m a little concerned.”Eren let out a nervous chuckle. Mr Pyxis was right. He had often caught himself daydreaming about Levi or simply deep in thought about him these past few weeks. It wasn’t his fault. Levi was just simply… so interesting. So beautiful. So kind. Eren rubbed the back of his neck, and gave his teacher a sheepish smile. “I’m okay, sir. I’m sorry to concern you.”“Did you even write anything in our last lesson, Eren?” Mr Pyxis’ tone was serious and flat. He narrowed his eyes at Eren, who shifted uncomfortably from side to side.“Yes.” Barely a page. “Let me see, then.”… Fuck.“I-I really have to go, sir, I’m sorry, I don’t have time to show you.” Eren stuttered out, face beat red, gripping tightly onto the strap of his schoolbag and spinning around to march towards the door. Yet Mr Pyxis grabbed his arm with a tight grip, stopping Eren in place.Eren looked over his shoulder with anxious eyes, tugging against Mr Pyxis’ strong grip, his stomach twisting as his heartbeat quickened in his ears. “P-Please let me go, sir.”“I asked you to show me your schoolbook. That’s not up for debate, Eren.”“I told- told you I have to g-go…”“You will show me your schoolbook and the work you have done today now or I will inform your parents that you are, yet again, unfocused in my classroom and falling behind the rest of the class.”Eren’s eyes widened as he franticly shook his head, silently pleading at Mr Pyxis, whose expression was absent and harsh. If his teacher was to tell Eren’s parents about him drifting off into daydreams far too often and apparently falling behind his classmates, then he would definitely not be allowed out this afternoon, and he had no doubt his father may hit him again.
I’m… I’m not that far behind! I did write some things! Right? And… and I can just study when tomorrow or after I come home from seeing Levi! Mikasa has all the notes!
I can’t fall behind! Father would be so angry!
Burning tears pricked at the corner of his eyes when Mr Pyxis’ free hand pulled the schoolbag off Eren’s shoulder. In silence he watched as his teacher leaned against Eren’s desk, pulled his schoolbook out, and flipped it open to the last filled in page. It was from this afternoon’s legal studies lesson, where Eren vaguely remembers Mr Pyxis talking about the punishments for certain crimes in Shiganshina. The page was half empty.“S-See, I did write something, S-sir…” Eren muttered, gulping down the lump in his throat when Mr Pyxis looked at him with a raised eyebrow, unamused.“This is not enough.”“B-But it’s something! You asked if I wrote something, I wrote something!” Eren yelled, and a silence filled the air before he clamped his hand over his mouth, eyes widening as he realised what he had done. There was no way his parents would not find out about this. A sickening feeling twisted in his stomach and all Eren wanted was for Armin and Mikasa to rush in and pull him away.“How dare you raise your voice at me,” Mr Pyxis’ tone was dangerously calm as he rose to his feet. Eren cowered against the wall, feeling his knees buckle. Mr Pyxis was a lot taller than anyone else Eren had knew. He also was well aware that his teacher served in the military police as a commander for almost ten years before retiring to school teaching. It was evident in the way he moved, silent and stare forbidding towards a slightly trembling Eren.“I-I’m sorry.”“You will stay behind today, Eren. Ten hits with the cane across both hands, and then I will watch as you personally fill out the rest of the last lesson’s notes from the textbook. If you finish early, you will still stay sat in your seat until four o’clock. Do you understand?”Eren weakly nodded, biting his lip to try and stop the tears that welled up in his eyes.
But… But I’m meant to see Levi at four o’clock…
“I said do you understand? Speak, boy!” Mr Pyxis shouted in the silence and Eren flinched, scrunching his eyes close as he muttered out a rushed yes sir. Hot tears rolled down his cheeks and despite how Eren wanted to wipe them away he stayed stiff, cowered against the wall with shaky breaths.“Good. Wait beside my desk with your hands out, palms up. I will inform your sister that you won’t be coming home until later today.”His breath hitched in the back of his throat, and he weakly called out to Mr Pyxis, who stopped in the doorway at Eren’s voice. “S-Sir, please tell her I-I’m not going to be home until five thirty…”If it meant Eren had to run until his lungs burned just to not be too late for Levi, he would. Two days he had waited to see Levi. He had spent his day dreaming about Levi’s calming voice and tender touch. It made Eren’s heart ache at the thought that he would have to be late to see him.
I hope Levi understands why I am late…
He’ll understand… of course he will understand me…
“Why is that?” Mr Pyxis raised his brow at Eren.“Because I’m… I am studying at the library… this afternoon…”Mr Pyxis paused, before giving a swift nod towards Eren. “That’s a smart decision, considering your lack of focus these few weeks. I’ll make sure to tell her.”A short-lived happiness reached Eren at his teacher’s backhanded compliment until Eren began to tread over to his teacher’s desk, wiping his tears with the back of his hand, the guilt at his actions rising back inside him. He stood, palms up to the ceiling. His stomach twisted. His throat was tight.It had been years since Eren was last hit with the cane. There was still a very faint line across his knuckles were Mr Pyxis had last done it; giving him thirty lashes to his knuckles after Eren had an outburst of anger towards him when he was eleven years old. Since then, he had learned to control it, and to control himself around adults. He could still remember the splitting pain and the way he had sobbed at feeling the warm blood roll down his knuckles. Eren had never wanted to experience it again.For years he had been good. What was wrong with him now? Why did he yell at his teacher? Could he no longer control himself anymore? A feeling of furious guilt reached him. Eren had been stupid. He was foolish for disrespecting Mr Pyxis by yelling at him, and refusing to show him his schoolbook in the first place. He deserved his punishment.When Mr Pyxis returned, Eren shut his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. He bit his lip harshly as he heard Mr Pyxis rumble around in the desk’s drawer for a few moments before presumably dragging out the large, rattan stick.At the first feeling of the gruelling strike to his palms, Eren cried out into the emptied classroom. “Eren?” Levi called out, pushing himself off the stone archway. Eren drifted towards him with hunched shoulders, gaze at his feet, and hands behind his back. Tears had left his eyes blood-shot and cheeks flushed red. Dried blood coated the fresh wounds on his palms. After Mr Pyxis had hit him, he was then forced to write the lesson’s notes with his injured hands. With every word he had winced at the sharp pain, and as Levi rushes towards him and pulls him into a hug, the dull pain still remained.He could feel Levi’s hands run through his hair, and Eren shook as a loud sob escaped his lips. There were the burning eyes of strangers on them, Eren could feel it, but he only pushed his head into the crook of Levi’s neck a little more. His hands were still clasped behind his back.“Here, come along, let’s go somewhere a little more private,” Levi softly spoke, pushing Eren back a little. He held his hand out towards Eren to take it, but Eren only shook his head.An understanding sigh left Levi’s lips and Eren felt him move to his side, his hand pressing against Eren’s lower back instead to guide him forward. They continued to walk through the bustling crowd, Eren’s head low and looking at the cobbled ground beneath him instead.He realised they were going into the alleyway wedged between the southern archway wall and the library. It was dimmer there, as the parapets that hung over the edge of the library’s tall, white bricked walls blocked out most of the afternoon sun. Out of view from the crowd, Levi gently guided Eren to an abandoned crate that sat against the library wall, next to a door that was a back-entrance. Here in the alleyway, the only people that would see Levi and Eren are those that stopped to look.Eren sat on the crate, hands still hidden behind his back. It’s not like he believed that he could keep the fresh wounds away from Levi; it was simply that Eren was unsure how to bring up how he received them. A part of him was ashamed for yelling at his teacher so easily. He thought he had his anger, himself, under control. Apparently Eren did not.“Angel, look at me.” Levi pressed a finger to Eren’s chin as he kneeled down in front of him. Eren’s chin was lifted up slightly, and his gaze met Levi’s calm, gentle eyes. “Do you want to tell me why you are upset, Eren? You’ve been crying. Did someone hurt you?”Eren’s lips trembled as tears blurred his vision. He nodded.“Can I see your hands?”Hesitantly he removed his hands from his back and placed them on his knees, fingers curled in to hide the cuts on his palms. When Levi’s own hands moved to unclasp Eren’s own he let out a small gasp, the cold afternoon air feeling a little harsh on the open wounds. Around them the blood was dark and dry, but in the part that was wide and exposed it was still a deep red.The wounds were gaping yet still thin, long and horizontal across his palm. On each hand there were about three; the force of the cane against his skin was enough to break it open after only a few whacks.A sigh left Levi’s lips and he watched with glassy eyes as Levi reached around to the bag that he had over his shoulder. There was a ruffling noise as he rummaged through it before Levi pulled out a rolled up bandage and a small, silver flask.He popped open the flask, and gave Eren a reassuring smile. “This might hurt a little, but I have to make sure they are clean before I bandage it up. Is that okay?”“Y-You’ll bandage it?” Eren said with a little hiccup, feeling his heart grow warm.
Levi… you are always so kind to me…
“Of course. It’ll be protected after I bandage it.”Eren gave Levi a little nod, prompting him to continue. Levi held Eren’s hands with one and used his other to pour the flask. When the clear liquid touched his skin Eren hissed loudly, scrunching close his eyes at the burn. A pained whine left his throat.“I know, I know, it hurts. But it’s done now, angel.” Levi cooed, and Eren opened his eyes to see him begin to unravel the bandage. His gaze shifted to his hands, where the blood had partially washed away from the burning liquid. Levi ripped a length of the fabric off with ease before he began to wrap it around one of Eren’s wounded hands, tucking the end under to keep it secure. He repeated the process with Eren’s other hand.“T-Thank you.” Eren muttered, moving his hands up and twisting them around admire at the bandages Levi had applied. They were well done, and it reminded Eren of the times his father had bandaged him up when he was younger and his clumsiness had hurt him. It was as Levi had done this exact motion a thousand times before.“You don’t have to thank me, Eren. I just wanted to make sure you were safe. It’s not good to walk around with open wounds.” Levi leaned up, giving Eren a quick kiss to his cheek before he sat back on his heels. Levi gave a quick glance to the crowd out in the main square, before focusing his attention back to Eren. “Do you want to tell me who hurt you, angel?”Levi’s voice was soft and calm. Eren felt himself breathe deeply, gaze fixated on Levi. A brief silence fell over them as Eren struggled to find the words to say, licking his lips as his thoughts blurred in his head. All that Eren wanted was Levi to hold him again.“C-Can you… hug me…” He said, blushing at the desperate tone of his own voice. Yet Levi only chuckled lightly, rising to his feet and holding his arms out for Eren. With eagerness Eren stood up and let Levi pull him against his chest, his racing heart calming at the sound of Levi’s steady heartbeat in his ears. Levi was warm, Levi smelled of the same comforting vanilla that Eren had grown to want so greatly, Levi’s pure aura made Eren feel so unbelievably safe and at ease.Simply being in Levi’s embrace was enough for Eren to calm down.They stayed in a hug, silent and content as the world passed around them. Levi’s hand rubbed circles into Eren’s lower back, his other playing with Eren’s hair, and it felt so comforting and so gentle that Eren sighed with bliss. Levi gives really, really good hugs.“It was my teacher, Mr Pyxis.” Eren mumbled into Levi’s chest.“And why did he do such a horrible thing to you?”“S’ my fault. I yelled at him.”“Hmm? Eren, there obviously is a reason why you yelled at him. Doesn’t make it okay for him to hurt you so terribly, angel.” Levi pressed a kiss to the top of Eren’s head. “If only I was there with you… I’d always keep you safe. I’d never let anyone hurt you.”Eren hummed in reply, pushing his head into the crook of Levi’s neck, his arms tightening around Levi’s waist. He knew that he’d always be safe around Levi. There would be nobody to hurt Eren with Levi there to protect him.“Do you still want to hang out with me today, Eren? You can go home if you’re in too much pain-”“No! No. I want to stay here with you, Levi.”He heard Levi chuckle, giving Eren a little squeeze. “Good. My friends are all meeting at Hanji’s café this afternoon, including Erwin – who, apparently you’ve already met. Do you want to come there with me? We can have cake.”With a smile Eren pulled back, nodding at Levi. “Sorry I didn’t tell you about meeting Erwin. I forgot.”“Oh, it’s okay, angel.” Levi let his hold around Eren fall, and held one hand out to which Eren took. They began to walk back out onto the street, fingers intertwined, and Eren leaning his head on Levi’s shoulder. Levi continued, “How has the rest of your days been? Did you read my note on Tuesday?”“Yes! Thank you… are- are you sure you don’t want your sweater back, Levi?”With the click of his tongue Levi shook his head. “Like I said, you looked cute in it. How about your head? I hope it wasn’t hurting too bad. You did drink quite a lot for your first time.”Eren’s cheeks flushed at the memory of his drunken state and he mumbled a no. By Tuesday afternoon the headache Eren had mostly had faded away, though he did end up nearly drifting to sleep during class a few times if it wasn’t for Armin poking his side roughly throughout the day.Eren and Levi had walked past the southern entrance and now rounded the corner, hiking up the hill towards Hanji’s café. Already the bustling crowds on their way home from work had quietened down, and only a few passers-by’s strolled past them. Sunlight warmed Eren’s back as they continued to walk.Eren thought back to lunchtime, when Jean had told him about the incident with the blacksmith. He lifted his head off Levi’s shoulder to look at him. “Do you remember how I told you about the Ackerman family?”“Hmm?” Levi looked at Eren from the corner of his eyes, a brow raising in curiosity. ‘Why do you ask?”“Well… there was that murder with the blacksmith. My father said the Ackermans were a violent family, and I was thinking… maybe it’s related? The killer also left some really weird message.”“Ah, that blacksmith… I read about that this morning in the paper. Gruesome death... Why do you think the message is weird, angel?” Levi turned to look at him fully now.“The military police said that it was a gang crime, but why would a blacksmith be a gang member? And then my friend Sasha said, because the message mentioned a payment, that maybe the blacksmith owed them money.” Eren furrowed his brows, shaking his head slightly in frustration. “It still doesn’t make much sense to me though. Why would a blacksmith ask gang members for help?”“Why do you think the Ackermans are related in this?” Levi replied, changing the subject.“Oh, I don’t… I don’t really know. Just because my father said they were violent, I guess. But I don’t really know if they’re a gang or not. Maybe they’re just really angry.” Eren chuckled at the latter.“Are you… uncomfortable? With what happened to that man.”Eren paused for a moment before he shook his head, resting his head back on Levi’s shoulder. “I mean, it’s… horrible. But I think I’m more curious than anything. I didn’t know the blacksmith, so I’m not too upset about it. It’s a bit scary though, knowing someone out there killed him. But I’m not that uncomfortable, really. Ah- I’m sorry- do you think that’s weird?”His breath hitched in the back of his throat for a moment, his heartbeat quickening in his chest. It was a really odd thing to say; Eren hoped Levi didn’t think it was too… peculiar. But the strange circumstances of the blacksmiths’ death made the curiosity inside Eren rise. As he said, Eren did not know the blacksmith. He’s never even stepped inside his shop. So he struggled to feel truly upset. To Eren it was another death. Awful, and of course, tragic for his family. But not to him. “No, I don’t think it’s weird at all,” Levi’s arm snaked around Eren’s shoulders and gave them a squeeze. Eren smiled, and lifted his head to press a quick kiss to Levi’s cheek as a thank you.“I feel like if I said something like that to my sister or Armin, they’d probably say it’s bizarre.”“Well I’m not your sister or Armin, aren’t I? I understand you. They don’t.”Eren hummed in reply. “Yeah. They don’t.”When Eren and Levi reached Hanji’s café, loud jazz music echoed from inside. There was a large, ‘CLOSED’ sign on the door, and to Eren’s confusion, a half-eaten, half squashed blue cake thrown out on the pavement. Through the windows there was Furlan, Isabel and Hanji sitting on the stools at the counter, seemingly urging Erwin – who stood in the middle of the café, his shirt buttons halfway undone – to drink a strange, brown liquid in a clear bottle.Levi laughed, pressing a quick kiss to a stunned Eren’s cheek. “Ready to go inside?”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Eren and Levi reached Hanji’s café, loud jazz music echoed from inside. There was a large, ‘CLOSED’ sign on the door, and to Eren’s confusion, a half-eaten, half squashed blue cake thrown out on the pavement. Through the windows there was Furlan, Isabel and Hanji sitting on the stools at the counter, seemingly urging Erwin – who stood in the middle of the café, his shirt buttons halfway undone – to drink a strange, brown liquid in a clear bottle.Levi laughed, pressing a quick kiss to a stunned Eren’s cheek. “Ready to go inside?” “Oh hi there! Don’t mind the cake outside, that was Isabel’s fault!” Hanji called out in a singing tone, leaning her head on Furlan’s shoulder as Eren and Levi walked in. She wiggled her fingers in a wave before giggling loudly at something Furlan said beside her. Eren gave her a smile, gaze dancing around the café and landing on Erwin. He was gulping down the brown liquid, face scrunched up slightly and blond fringe pulled back off his face.“Haven’t seen you in a while, church boy! How are ya’?” It was Furlan, nodding in Eren’s direction.“I’m- I’m good!” He said over the music. Furlan winked at him before turning back to whisper something in Hanji’s ear, his arm hanging around Isabel’s shoulders on the other side of him. Eren shifted from side to side, feeling a little out of place in the apparent party that he had walked in on.
This is a party… right? Is this what they are usually like?
As Eren’s gaze was fixated on the trio in front of him, who were still pushing a swaying Erwin to drink, Levi lifted his hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. The dull pain throbbed out every few moments, but Levi’s touch was gentle and tender. A blush dusted his cheeks as Eren giggled a little at the action; Levi meeting his shy gaze with a smirk.Levi leaned a little closer to whisper to Eren: “Is this okay?”“Yeah, yeah… Is this all that are coming? I didn’t know there was going to be some sort of party.”“Me either. I thought it was simply a little get together. But I should have known there would be alcohol. They’re my friends after all,” Levi chuckled. “My uncle might be coming, too.”“Your uncle Kenny?” Eren’s voice picked up. “That’s- that’s cool!”He’s been curious about Levi’s family for a while, ever since Levi told him that he lives with his uncle. Levi had said his uncle can be a bit odd to some people – he wears a brimmed hat, black suspenders and dons a beard all the time. He’s also apparently loud, and that is all Eren knows about Levi’s uncle. From what Levi has said, though, they do seem to be quite close.“Ah, well, he’s been looking forward to meeting you.”A little gasp left Eren’s lips as he looked up at Levi in awe. For some reason, to think that Levi’s family wanted to meet him made Eren… ecstatic. “Really? Uh- But why? I’m not that special, ha.”“Of course you’re special, Eren,” Levi gave him a puzzled look, before cracking a smile and pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. “A strange, cute boy who asked me to see him again after we spoke for… barely five minutes? People usually find me intimidating and run the other way.”“You’re not intimidating at all.”“To you. Not to others. And, besides, you’re an amazing person. Kind, passionate, hopeful. Incredibly, unbelievably beautiful. That’s why you’re special. At least to me, anyway.”Eren’s blush deepened as he jokingly rolled his eyes at Levi’s compliments. Levi’s hand moved to silk around his waist, pulling Eren a little closer and he instinctively rested his head on Levi’s shoulder. As Levi began to walk Eren followed, and they slid into one of the red-seated booths up against the window with Eren closest to the wall.Erwin – now finished the mysterious liquid – was beginning to take off his shirt completely. The trio cheered him on, but Eren looked away, mind still focused on Levi’s sweet words.
Does he really think I’m beautiful? That I’m passionate or anything like that?
“Do you want something to drink, angel?” Levi said, a finger reaching up to lift Eren’s chin so that their gazes met. “Water, juice… or perhaps some of that tequila we had the other night? I still have some in my bag here, if that’s the case.”He paused for a moment, going over Levi’s words. The tequila had left him feeling so happy, so dazed and giggly at everything… but he did have a headache the next day. Eren was also meant to be going home in about an hour, and it was unknown to him how long the effects of the alcohol would last. Would his parents be able to tell? Could they smell it? Could they look at his face and simply know that he was intoxicated? If they found out about Eren drinking, then his punishment for yelling at his teacher – which his parents have surely already sorted out – will be made infinite times worse.Alcohol was a selfish thing to want. It’s what Eren had always been told. Yet Levi said it wasn’t, and when he had the tequila on Monday night Eren felt like he was on top of the world.
Levi knows better than me. Maybe just a sip. Maybe then I won’t be focused on the pain in my hand?
“Okay… but only a little! I can’t be… you know, drunk when I come home…” Eren said, the word drunk leaving his mouth in a hushed whisper as if he was cursing. He still did feel a little bit guilty about drinking underage, as he was technically breaking the law… but he prayed on Tuesday, and he’ll pray tonight; all his sins will be gone. So it’ll be okay, right?Levi pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Of course. Here,” He pulled out the half empty bottle, unscrewing the metal lid. Carefully Levi poured the clear liquid until it filled the top. “Just a shot, then. You’ll feel a little buzzed up, but you won’t be drunk, and your parents won’t notice. I promise.”With slight hesitation Eren took the metal lid, slowly bringing it to his lips in order not to spill any. He sucked in a deep breath before throwing his head back and letting the burning liquid slide down his throat. Eren coughed, eyes scrunching closed as he passed the empty lid back to Levi who screwed it on the bottle again. Barely a moment later and he felt the warmth in his stomach.“Hey! Levi! Is that tequila? I want some!” A shirtless Erwin yelled to the amusement of Hanji, Furlan and Isabel. He stumbled over to the booth’s table, almost body slamming against it with a hazy smile. “Shit man, why didn’t you offer me some? Gimme’ it.”“You’re so fucking wasted.” Levi laughed, shooing away Erwin’s prying hands. With a little hum Eren leaned his head against Levi’s shoulder, a little surprised at the curse word – has Levi even cursed around him before? Nonetheless he watched the play fight between Erwin and Levi, who had now hidden the bottle under the table from Erwin, with a happy smile.Their play fight ended with the chime of a bell ringing as the café door opened. Eren twisted around in his seat as did Levi, his eyes falling on a tall man in a brimmed hat. He had a closely shaved beard, lines under his eyes, and a rip in the collar of his black shirt.
Is this…?
“Ay, didn’t realise we were havin’ a party!” His voice was gravelly, words spoken in the same foreign accent that Levi had, and at his words the trio sitting at the counter stools shouted with agreement, grins etched across their faces. Eren could hear Isabel loudly proclaim: “We’re here to get fucked up, Kenny! Join us!”
Levi’s uncle!
He walked into the middle of the café with a sense of authority, slapping Isabel lightly on her shoulder and taking a swig from the half-empty bottle of strange liquid that she held. “Fucking marvellous! I’ve had a shitty day. Nothin’ like getting a little buzzed up with my family to get rid of the blues, hey?”Levi was sliding out of his seat, gently holding one of Eren’s injured hands as he pulled him along. Anticipation pulsed through Eren’s veins and his stomach twisted inside of him. Warmth from the tequila had already reached him and Eren was now thankful that he had drunk some, for it seemed to be dulling the galling anxiety that he felt at meeting Levi’s relative. Quickly he glanced back behind him as he stepped out of the booth, catching Erwin lean over the table and pull out the bottle of tequila from Levi’s bag. He winked at Eren, who gave him a sheepish smile back.
I hope Kenny likes me. I want Levi’s family to like me…
When he looked back to where Levi was he was met with Kenny’s fixated gaze. He wore a wide smile on his face as Levi assumingly introduced Eren; but the jazz music that filled the air from the record player and the thumping of Eren’s heart pounding in his ears made it impossible for Eren to focus.“Ah, Eren. I have been waiting to meet ya’! Ever since Levi told me about ya’.” Kenny held out a hand which Eren shyly shook. His hands were a lot rougher than Levi’s; his knuckles were bulky and with a swift glance Eren could see they were scarred and oddly bruised. His eyebrows furrowed at the sight – why are his knuckles hurt? – but Eren was pulled out of the thought at the feeling of Levi’s hand on his lower back, and he looked back up at Kenny with a small smile.“Yeah! Uh- it’s nice to meet you, sir!”“Pft, please, no need to be so formal kid! Kenny is just fine!” Kenny’s hand dropped from Eren’s grasp. He turned around to grab a tin can from the bench, of what Eren assumed was alcohol before he flickered open the lid and took a large swig. “So, ya’ staying for the little party?”“Oh, I- I actually need to be home by five thirty. So not for long,” Eren rubbed the back of his neck gently, letting out a small laugh. The bandage on his hand felt rough against his skin.“Damn, what a shame – whoa, kid, what happened to ya’ hands?” Kenny’s eyebrows furrowed as he gave a quick nod to where Eren lowered his hand from his neck. A reddish-brown colour had stained parts of the bandages slightly; the wounds still bled. “Why they all wrapped up?”Eren went to speak, to simply tell Kenny that it was his punishment for being rude at school, but Levi talked instead. “A bastard of a teacher hurt him for defending himself.”
B-bastard? Defending myself?
“No, ha- uh, I yelled at him, it’s my fault,” Eren interrupted, gazing at Levi with a puzzled look. When Levi glanced to him, however, his expression was soft. It made Eren’s chest flutter.“It’s not your fault. Never.”Something about the way Levi spoke those words, tone low and eyes narrowing slightly at him, made Eren almost weak in his knees. How he wanted to simply fall in his arms right now and press a kiss to Levi’s soft cheeks. To feel his warmth and push his head into the crook of Levi’s neck. Levi had a way of making Eren feel so protected, so cared for, so… adored.“Hold up,” It was Hanji, shouting a little over the music from where she leaned against Furlan, “So you defended yourself, and your teacher cut your hands open? And you feel like it’s your fault?”Eren gulped as his attention fell on Hanji, who cocked her head to the side at him.“Y-Yeah, well, it’s my punishment-”“The only punishments a cutie like you should be receiving should be ones that make you feel good,” It was Furlan, a smirk playing on his lips that made Eren confused.“What do you mean?”“Furlan, fuck off,” Levi spat out and Eren felt him silk his hand around his waist, pulling him closer.“Aw, sorry Levi, didn’t mean to make you jealous.”
Jealous? What is going on? I don’t understand.
Eren stole a glance at Levi, who glared at Furlan with creased brows and a hard expression. If Eren asked Levi later, maybe then he will tell him what Furlan meant. Right now, however, the way that he looked at Furlan made Eren almost shift with restlessness. It felt like Furlan and Levi were keeping a little secret from him; what does Furlan mean by punishments that make him feel good? As far as Eren was concerned, nothing like that existed.“Boys, boys, relax. Besides, from what I know, Eren here is a little bit… well. Inexperienced.” Kenny held his hands out, one of them still curled around a can of alcohol, as if gesturing for Furlan and Levi to back down. There was a brief pause before he threw Eren an uneasy smile. “Is that right, Eren? Or is Levi just being dramatic when he tells me you’re rather innocent?”Everyone turned to look at him, including Levi, eyebrows still creased as he studied Eren’s expression.Eren fidgeted with his thumbs, gaze flickering from the ground back up to where the others waited for his answer. He let out a nervous sigh, “Ah, yeah… I suppose…”It made him, oddly enough, self-conscious to admit it out loud. If it was only Levi there, watching him and asking him those questions, Eren wouldn’t feel as exposed and put-on-the-spot. Eren trusted Levi, and Levi was the only one who understood him. Yet in front of Levi’s friends and family, who all radiate a sense of life experience and freedom that Eren only longed for, he felt silly to admit he lacked.“And why is that?” Kenny pressed, an eyebrow raised as he took another sip of the tin-can he held.Another silence fell over the group as Eren leaned into Levi’s side, searching for the sense of comfort his presence and touch would give him. He breathed deeply, shyly shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Well… ah, I guess my parents just… They own the church, you see… and Levi said they’ve lied to me about some things. They don’t let me do what I want, too, so I don’t… get to do much…”“Damn, must fucking suck being the kid of the pastor,” Isabel suddenly giggled, sipping once more on the long-necked glass bottle she held in her hand. “Don’t worry, Eren. Levi here will show you all the things you’re missing out on.” She winked at her last statement.A range of emotions pulsed through Eren at Isabel’s words. A part of him wanted to scold her, and tell her there is nothing wrong with him being a church kid. His God was good, his God was forgiving, his God was loving. Yet, also, in a way, she was right.Eren’s life was already planned for him: he was to become the next pastor, he would most likely have to settle down and marry a woman (but only if his parents approved of her) and he’d be expected to have children and raise a family. There was no room for Eren to do simply do what he wanted.Until he met Levi; and Eren hoped that he would show him all the things he is missing out on, like Isabel said.“Well, Eren, know that here you can do what you want. None of us gonna’ judge ya’ for being a little curious. Unlike ya’ parents. Isabel can make some bratty comments, but she means no harm,” Kenny laughed, “If Levi likes ya’, then I like ya’, and you’re always welcome here with us. Got it?”His heart fluttered at the comment as he smiled widely at Kenny. A feeling of belonging pulsed through his veins and he felt Levi give his side a squeeze, leaning to whisper in his ear: “Told you he’ll like you.”Eren blushed at feeling Levi so close to him, leaning his head on Levi’s shoulder in response. The thump of his heartbeat could be felt in his throat as his skin grew hot. Levi’s low voice and the sensation of his fingertips just above Eren’s hip made his mind go hazy – though, to be fair, that could also be due to the shot of tequila Eren had less than ten minutes ago.In that moment Eren felt like he belonged there, surrounded by Levi and his family and friends. A feeling that, as the years have passed, he rarely felt around his own.The sweet moment was interrupted by Erwin drunkenly sliding off the booth’s table behind them, and smacking into the floor with a high-pitched giggle. When Eren twisted around with his mouth agape in shock at the sight of Erwin lying flat on the floor, the blond man simply looked up at him with a toothy smile and said in-between hiccups: “Ay! Always welcome – here!”Yeah, Eren thought. This is… nice. Levi and Eren had slid back into the seats at the booth. Kenny sat opposite of Eren, with a passed out Erwin now pulled up from the floor, seated beside Kenny and his head laid on the table as he snored lightly. The trio at the counter – Hanji, Furlan and Isabel, were loudly laughing, talking, and dancing to the sound of the jazz music. In the booth, however, they were in deep conversation.Unlike last time, Eren was highly aware of the setting sun outside the window. Thankfully, Kenny held a watch around his wrist. Watches were rare as they were incredibly expensive, and the only people that Eren knew possessed one was his father and Rod Reiss, and now, Levi’s uncle. Kenny had promised Eren that he’ll tell him when it was nearing five thirty, which helped ease the anxiety in the pit of his stomach.Under the table, Levi held his hand on the inner part of Eren’s thigh. It was unmoving, but nonetheless the simple feeling of the weight against him made Eren’s cheeks flush scarlet. Warmth from the second shot that Eren had sipped on and presumably from the weird, foreign feeling Levi gave him raced throughout his body. He could barely focus on Levi’s words beside him; only the feeling of Levi’s hand on his thigh. A part of Eren wanted to beg Levi to move it further up, like he had done when he first visited the café. Another part of him was begging himself to flick his hand away.“Eren.” He was pulled out of his thoughts at the sound of Levi’s low voice calling his name. With widened eyes Eren gazed at him, eyebrows raised as if asking, what?“Tell Kenny what you said to me about the Ackerman family. You know, about what your father said?”“Oh!” Eren’s attention turned to Kenny, who sipped on a metal flask. “Why do you want to know?“Just curious.” Kenny said.Eren gave him a small smile. “Well, I heard my father and… uh, you know, Rod Reiss? The mayor? His family are friends with mine. Anyway, they were over my house for dinner a few weeks ago and I heard them talking in the study. About the Ackerman family.” He paused, eyes flickering to where Levi looked at him, before back to Kenny. “They- They said it was a family of violence? And then my father told Rod to do something about it. Rod said he wanted to, but it’d be difficult to catch them or hurt them – whatever that means. Then my father said that they had an advantage over them.”“Hmm?” Kenny raised a brow, leaning on the table with his arms crossed. “What advantage?”“Ah, I didn’t hear that part. My sister caught me, ha, and so I had to go to bed…”“Aw, what a shame,” Kenny let out a chuckle. “Got me all wondering what ya’ father means now.”“Me too!” Eren replied, voice a little higher as he grinned widely. It was comforting in a way to know that Kenny, as well as Levi, were both as curious of what Eren’s father had meant as he was.As Levi’s hand inched up Eren’s thigh just a little, his throat hitched in the back of his throat. He could feel the words fall away on his tongue as his gaze snapped back to Levi, who looked at him with narrowed eyes. Eren stuttered out a weak yes, as if he already knew Levi would ask him a question.Levi’s lips twisted up into a little smirk, and Eren felt his heart flutter. Gosh. He is so handsome.“Maybe you can try and find out what your father was meaning to say?” Levi cocked his head to the side, his hand inching up even further on Eren’s thigh. If Kenny saw it, he didn’t say anything, simply agreeing with a small nod at Levi’s suggestion.“Oh- Uh- But I don’t know how… I wasn’t meant to hear it in the first place.”“You said they were speaking in the study, right? Maybe you can go look in there. See if he’s written anything down.” Levi leaned a little closer, his hand moving a little higher as Eren bit back a squeak.“B-But I’m not allowed to go in the study.”“You aren’t curious as to what your father was going to say?”Eren licked his lips, feeling his head spin and skin tingle at Levi being so close to him. His gaze flickered between Levi’s smirking lips and his narrowed, grey-blue eyes as he sighed. He was curious, it was true; and if Levi was just as curious, as well as Kenny now too, shouldn’t Eren… do what Levi asked?Yet when he felt Levi’s hand squeeze his thigh, Eren’s thoughts became blurred again. Sounds were unable to be formed on his tongue so he only nodded in reply to Levi, skin hot with blush.“So you’ll go look in the study?”“Do you want m-me to?”“Yes.”That was all Levi needed to say.“Okay.” Eren breathed out. “I- I will. Maybe. If- If I can. My father usually… keeps it locked.”Levi leaned back in his seat once more, and Eren felt his shoulders relax. “Well. If you ever find it’s unlocked, just peek inside it. See if you find anything. Do it for me, Eren.”
Levi, I’d do anything for you if you asked. You’re beautiful, and kind, and so amazing. I want to be like you. I want to stay here with you. Do you want me to look in the study? I’ll do it. I’ll do it for you.
“This could be a little secret between us. A little adventure, actually,” It was Kenny now speaking, and he paused to take another sip of the flask. “Wouldn’t that be fun?”Eren’s lips curled into a smile as he nodded enthusiastically, and when Levi’s hand moved from his thigh to grip one of Eren’s own hands under the table his stomach fluttered; pulse pacing a little faster in his chest at the tender action. A little secret, just between Levi, Eren, and Kenny. It made Eren truly feel like he was a part of the group, a part of the family that Levi and Kenny had made with Erwin, Hanji, Furlan and Isabel. It made Eren feel important.“Great. Well, I’ll leave both of ya’ alone then, seems like you’d rather be by ya ’selves then with me, ha.” Kenny stood up, head leaning back as he drained the final drops of alcohol from the flask. Eren watched as Kenny pulled up a knocked-out Erwin by his hair, wiggling past by him before gently laying Erwin back on the booth’s table. He gave another glance to the duo, “Remember, Eren. Our little secret, okay? Wouldn’t want ya’ parents to find out now, would we?”Eren nodded.Kenny gave him a wink before he strode over to Hanji, Furlan and Isabel, joining their conversation and their little dance circle that had formed. Eren and Levi were left alone at the booth, besides a sleeping Erwin, and Eren finally let himself lean against Levi’s side.“Do you like it here?” Levi said after a moment of silence.“Mhm. Everyone’s really nice.”“I wish we could see each other more,” Levi leaned over to press a kiss to Eren’s cheek. “I miss you so much when you’re not around. You’re so lovely, Eren.”If it was possible for Eren to blush more, he couldn’t tell, for his whole face was already burning. He chuckled shyly at Levi’s compliments, moving to hide his face in Levi’s shoulder. Gently Eren gave Levi’s hand a little squeeze, careful not to hurt his own.“M’ not lovely.”“Aw, but you are, angel. You have the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen, they’re almost teal in colour – do you know how rare that is? And your adorable cheeks, beautiful smile, stunning body.”Eren bit his lip, looking up to meet Levi’s gaze with glazed eyes. “Do you really think so?”He’s never had someone compliment him so much before. Never has Eren been told he was anything but an annoying teenage boy. Yet here Levi was, telling him he’s beautiful and lovely. It made his skin tingle and heartbeat thump hard against the walls of his chest.It also made Eren want to wrap himself around Levi, press themselves together and be as close to him as he possibly could make himself be. It was a very odd, very new feeling to Eren.“I do. You know I’d never lie to you, Eren. I think you’re the cutest boy in the whole world.”
Please, God, let us stay here forever. I don’t want to go home.
Levi leaned to press a kiss to Eren’s forehead before he continued, voice lowered to a whisper, “Is it weird for me to say that I want to hold you so close to me? I want to lay you on my chest, cuddle under blankets and press soft kisses to you all over.”A small whine left Eren’s throat. How he wished that the others were not here right now, for if it was only Levi and himself then Eren would most certainly do exactly that. At imagining them together, all cuddled up against each other and Levi’s soft, pretty lips pressing kisses all over him, Eren felt a warmth pool in the pit of his stomach. Instinctively Eren pushed himself closer, free hand moving up to gently rest on Levi’s arm. The comforting scent of vanilla and Levi’s warm presence allured Eren in. He knew it was nearing five thirty, but a growing part of him begged to stay a little longer.Yet, no matter how much Eren wanted to cuddle against Levi, a little tiny voice told him in the back of his head that it was disgustingly wrong, painfully sinful to desire such a dirty thing.“Boys shouldn’t b-be doing that, Levi…” Eren sucked in a deep breath. “B-but I don’t… think it’s weird.”“No, no,” Levi hushed, thumb gently rubbing circles into the top of Eren’s hand where he held it, “Who said we can’t do those things, Eren?”“My parents… and… God…”“They’re lying, Eren. Both your parents and your God.”
Both of them?
Levi continued, “It’s not wrong. We can do whatever we like together. See, people like your parents, and your God think that because it’s different, then it’s wrong. Disgusting. Sinful. But, tell me, Eren,” He pressed another kiss to the top of Eren’s head, “Do you feel disgusting when I hold you like this?”Eren shook his head. No, Levi. It makes me feel all weird, it makes me my heart race really fast and my cheeks burn but it doesn’t feel disgusting. It feels good. Really, really good.“Now, if this was such a bad thing for us to want… wouldn’t it feel awful?”“I-I guess…” Eren mumbled, face still hidden in Levi’s shoulder. Sins were meant to feel wrong. He was meant to feel corrupted when he sinned, not loved, not happy, not sweetly blissful. Is this really such an awful thing for Eren to want? Is having Levi hold him, touch him, and kiss his cheeks so awful? So disgusting? So sinful, like his parents and his God had always told him? Levi was simply holding him.“Ah,” Eren felt one of Levi’s hand move, press against the side of his jaw softly and push him back so that their gazes met. A gentle smile etched across Levi’s face. “My Eren… it makes me so mad to think they’ve lied to you your entire life… told you all of this is wrong…”
They’ve lied to me my entire life…
Levi’s thumb caressed Eren’s cheek and he leaned into the touch, eyes fluttering close. Levi’s other hand still held firm in Eren’s grip. Jazz music echoed in the background, as well as the occasional booming laughter from Hanji, but as Levi held him so gently it all seemed to fade into white noise. “All I want is for you to be free.”Free. There it was. A feeling of longing sparked inside of him at the simple mention of the word. It was something Eren had wanted his entire life; to be free to make his own choices, to be free to travel the lands, to be free to choose his own path. Yet only since he has met Levi has Eren realised how simple it is to obtain this feeling of freedom that Levi radiated off; all Eren had to do was listen to Levi.
Levi will make me free. I won’t have to be controlled by my parents anymore. He’ll help me.
He let Levi press a soft kiss to his skin, dangerously close to Eren’s own lips and he mewled, leaning into the touch, chin lifted as if begging for Levi to just move a little closer to the left. Thoughts in his head were all blurred and forgotten and all Eren focused on was this burning, aching desire in his chest. Slowly he opened his hazed eyes, looking at Levi through his lashes, gaze fixated on Levi’s plump soft lips as a small sigh left him.“Do your hands still hurt?” Levi whispered into the space between them, pulling back just a little. His fingertips gently brushed over the palm of Eren’s hand.There was still a dull pain, but the stinging sensation was gone. “Not really.”“I hate your teacher for hurting you. For making such a pretty boy like you cry.”“It’s my-”“I know what you’re about to say, Eren,” Levi cut him off, tone low. “But it is not your fault. I’ve told you this. You believe me, don’t you? He is the one at fault for hurting you. Don’t blame yourself.”Eren sighed, a small smile tugging on his lips. A blush dusted his cheeks at Levi’s words. He knows Levi had already told him it was not Eren’s fault for what Mr Pyxis did. Yet, due to habit, Eren always was ready to apologise and shift the blame onto himself.“Of course I believe you, Levi.”“Tell me he is the one at fault. That you haven’t done anything wrong,” Levi said, eyes narrowed.If Levi said it was Mr Pyxis fault, then it was. Eren believed Levi, and he trusted his words. Besides, Levi was older and more experienced than Eren. They were friends, too, and Levi would never lie to him. He gulped down the knot in his throat, pushing back the anxious feeling of doubt that poked him under the surface. “I-I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s his fault.”“Good boy.”The words went straight to the pooling warmth in his stomach.“Sorry to interrupt,” Kenny’s gravelly voice came from behind Levi, and he had stumbled over to the booth. “But Eren, it’s fifteen past five. Don’t ya’ have to head home or something?”With a slight flinch Eren pulled back from Levi, dropping his hand from Levi’s arm as his stomach twisted. If Kenny had an issue with how… close they were, however, he didn’t say nothing, simply cocked his head to the side and stared at Eren with puzzled eyes.“I’ll walk you home again.” It was Levi’s deep voice, his gaze still fixated on Eren. Eren leaned on Levi’s shoulder, walking slowly with Levi’s hand on his lower back through the quiet town square. A few people sat outside the library, and some children were dancing in a circle around daisies that had grown through the crack in the road. Sunset coloured the town in shades of orange, pink and purple-blues. As night began to fall, it started to grow colder.“When can I see you again?” Eren asked, as the duo approached the northern archway. His voice was mumbled and Levi’s hand moved to rest around his waist, giving Eren a little squeeze.“Whenever you want to, angel. Though, I do have some little jobs I need to attend to in the next few days. But if it is for you, Eren, I’ll make it.”He blushed, and as they walked through the archway and rounded a corner, out of sight from others, Eren quickly pressed a little kiss to Levi’s cheeks. “Friday? I have an exam that morning, so I don’t think it’ll be a good choice for me to see you tomorrow, as I need to study, even though I really want to.”“Friday? Sure. What’s your exam about, hmm?”“History! I think I’ll do good. It’s my best subject.” Eren replied eagerly, a little spring in his step as Levi and Eren started to walk up a slight hill. The street was empty, as most of the workers and families had already returned home for the day. Outside the houses lined bicycles, pot plants and the occasional abandoned newspaper from that morning. He shivered slightly in the cold breeze that past, which prompted Levi to tenderly pull him a little closer.“Whatever mark you receive; I’ll still be proud of you.”A warm grin spread across Eren’s cheeks and he wrapped one of his arms around Levi’s waist, his heart fluttering at Levi’s gentle words. Levi will be proud of me? Ah, Levi… I want to do good, I want to make you proud of me… I want to make you happy… “You are seriously the kindest person I have ever met; do you know that?” Eren gushed, “I mean, even Armin gets annoyed at me sometimes. Are- Are you sure I’m not annoying or something?”“Why would I find you annoying? Like I’ve told you, I think you’re lovely, and so fucking cute.”Blush burned his cheeks and Eren hid his smile, a feeling of euphoria flooding his veins. It was still a little odd to think that Levi thought Eren was cute, and lovely, or anything along those lines. After all, barely three weeks ago Eren almost freaked when Levi called him cute. Now here they were, pulled into each other’s embrace and Levi calling him lovely like it was the most natural thing in the world.“Well, I get angry sometimes, and my parents think it’s because I’m childish. Armin sometimes say I’m dramatic, too, and… and I mean, it’s okay if you do too…” Eren shrugged. “I get it.”“Anger is a human emotion, if you’re angry then there is usually a reason. You shouldn’t let yourself think it makes you childish. Besides, you’re fifteen, you’re not a little boy.” Levi pressed a kiss to Eren’s cheek, his grip around his waist tightening. “I don’t think you’re dramatic, or an angry person. I find you just wonderful the way you are, angel.”
Levi, you really do always know what to say to make me feel all funny inside, don’t you?
“Even if I’m… inexperienced?” Eren said, memories of Kenny’s words from earlier flickering across his mind. Sometimes he wondered if it made Levi frustrated; Eren’s hesitation to certain things, and his lack of knowledge in so many… areas.Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Levi shake his head with a smirk on his lips. It made his heart flip.“You’re incredibly innocent, but I think it’s adorable. I love it. Yeah, you may not have much experience, and yes, you believe all the lies that you’ve been told. But it’s okay, I’ll help you.”Eren mumbled a little thank you, a shy smile etching across his face. His heart fluttered as Levi’s words replayed in his head; hearing he thought Eren’s childish innocence was adorable made him feel ever more comfortable in Levi’s presence. Levi understood him, Levi cared for him. If Eren could, he would stay with Levi for a few more hours, enjoying the haven Levi created when they were together.As they rounded another corner, now simply a street away from Eren’s home, another silence reached them. Deep blue coloured the skies above now, the sun only a small circle of bright light in the horizon behind them. With the temperature dropping, Levi moved his hand to rub Eren’s bare forearms with his warm hands; it helped with the goose bumps that rose on Eren’s skin, and it stopped him from shivering as the evening breeze picked up.Without a doubt, Eren wanted to stay with Levi. For a moment he wondered if they could sneak out again, and meet in the forest, and go swimming as they did before. With Levi shirtless, too. Is it okay for me to want that? Ah. Is it normal for me to want to see him like that? Just thinking about it… I feel all warm… my cheeks feel so hot… he looked so… attractive.“You should really start bringing a sweater with you, Eren.” Levi pulled him out of his thoughts. “It’s almost the end of autumn. Winter is next month. It’ll be getting cold soon.”Levi was right. Last week was the first day of October. The days had become a little shorter, the nights longer and colder; but Eren wanted to hold onto the warmth and sunshine before winter fell.“Ah, but I don’t like winter,” Eren childishly pouted as they reached the end of his street. “I think, if I start wearing jumpers already, then I’ll realise that it’s really going to just be cold and dark for months.”“Aw, that’s a little harsh. My birthday is in winter. And, if I recall, you’ve worn that little green coat of yours a few times when we’ve hung out.”Eren blushed, but his face lit up at the mention of Levi’s birthday. “Yeah, but that’s just a coat! And- And your birthday! You’re turning nineteen, right?”“Mhm, well, at least wear it. Or my sweater I gave you, if you’d rather.” Memories of Monday night crossed Eren’s mind when Levi mentioned the sweater. “And, yes, I’m turning nineteen.”“What day is it? Can we hang out together? I- I want to give you a gift! What do you want for your birthday, Levi? I’ll give you anything!”Levi chuckled, hand rubbing Eren’s side as his arm pulled him in a little closer. Eren’s house was approaching in the distance, and the lantern outside was lit. But Eren deliberately slowed down his pace, keeping Levi beside him just a little longer.“Slow down, angel. You don’t have to give me a gift, simply seeing you will be a lovely gift. And,” Levi paused, stopping in the middle of the street. Eren turned to look at him, mouth agape, eyes clouded with curiosity. “It’s on the 25th of December.”Eren’s heart sank.
Twenty fifth? Why! Why does it have to be on Christmas Day? My parents will never let me see Levi on Christmas Day. I have church all day, and then a community lunch, and then a family dinner with the Arlert and Reiss family-
“Eren?”“Ah, on- on Christmas?” He nervously chuckled, hiding the sinking feeling in his chest as his gaze fell to the cobblestone street beneath them. “I- I think… I’m busy all day… I’m so sorry, Levi…”In an almost childish way, Eren wanted to cry. He didn’t want to upset Levi, or make him disappointed that they could not see each other on Levi’s birthday. With all of Eren’s friends, he makes sure to give them personalised gifts and make their birthday’s extra special. It was something Eren simply did for those he cared about, and Eren cared about Levi a lot.“Aw, angel, don’t look too upset. You can simply see me that evening.”“Evening?” Eren picked his head up. “Like… I sneak out?”“Yes. It also means we can spend a little more time together, and do…” Levi’s hand reached out to touch Eren’s exposed collarbone in his low-cut grey shirt, a finger sliding along it that left Eren breathless and in awe, “Whatever we want. Without having to worry about your parents.”
Whatever we want?
“Does that sound like a good idea to you, angel?”“Y-Yeah! Yes! Of course!” Eren eagerly replied, reaching to wrap his arms excitedly around Levi’s waist. He pushed his face into Levi’s chest, breathing in the vanilla scent, and humming as Levi’s hand found their way into his hair, the other resting on his lower back.“Well, it’s dark now, so you should get home. Before you are too late.” Levi’s hands moved to rest on the side of Eren’s face, pulling him back to look at him with a dreamlike gaze. “I’ll see you Friday.”Eren nodded, pausing as his attention fell to Levi’s pretty lips, and then back to his soft eyes. He leaned in, pressing a kiss to Levi’s cheek, a little bit closer to Levi’s lips than usual. “See you then.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Eren had arrived home yesterday, he was surprised to hear that Mikasa had said nothing about Eren staying behind after school. After dinner he had thanked her, pulled her into a hug and had laughed when she told him, “Just don’t anger Mr Pyxis again.”It was moments like that when Eren was grateful he had Mikasa as his sister.Both his mother and father had questioned Eren’s strange wounds, but believed him when he had lied and told them it was because he fell on the way to the library, and a kind stranger had wrapped them in bandages for him. It was an obvious lie; Mikasa knew it, too, but his mother and father said nothing.Footsteps of his mother thumped against the hallway floor. Eren currently sat hunched over his desk, papers of history notes sprawled out in front of him. It was Thursday afternoon and his History exam was tomorrow morning. Oranges and yellows of the sunset lightened his room, but a small candle flickered in the corner of his desk for when the night would fall over them. The wooden desk he sat at was flushed against the wall, opposite from the end of his un-made bed, and if he leaned back in his chair he could still peak out of the window at the deserted street below.There was not too much personal detail to Eren’s room; his parents never encouraged it. Apart from the almost decade-old, messy crayon drawings of Eren and Armin that were pinned to the wooden wardrobe next to his door, and the dirtied soccer ball that sat discarded on the floor next to it, Eren’s room was painfully plain. He had once stuck up photos of plants and strange animals from science books on his wall, much like Armin, but his mother had demanded Eren take it down. He had one, small brown bear that Eren used to sleep beside too; but once Eren turned twelve his parents made him shove it up on the top of his wardrobe where it still remained, collecting dust.Moments after hearing his mother’s footsteps she twisted the door open, not bothering to knock or announce her incoming presence. Eren turned around in his chair, an eyebrow raised, pencil stopped mid-sentence as his mother walked into the room.A slim, silver chain hung from her hand that she had clasped shut. Eren did not need her to open it to recognise what it was; the cross necklace that he had lost in early September.“You found it?” Eren stood up, meeting his mother in the middle of the room. She smiled warmly at him, moving her hands to reach up and lock the necklace around Eren’s neck. It felt cool against his skin, and after not wearing it for over a month, odd.It has been his since Eren was eleven years old. The only times he had ever taken it off was when he showered, and for Eren it was a way to feel personally connected to his God. For a while after Eren had lost it, there had been a small ache in his chest at not having it. Now, wearing it once more, Eren strangely did not feel much at all. He thought he would have been happier to have it back.“I did indeed. Guess where it was?”He cocked his head to the side.“In one of the old washing baskets that I had left in the storage room.” She let out a little chuckle before pulling her arms back, her hands resting on Eren’s shoulders. “All this time I thought you left it at one of your friend’s house, and it was right here instead.”“I told you I didn’t leave it at Armin’s or something,” Eren mumbled, but his mother only rolled her eyes at him as a small huff left her lips.“And I am meant to believe my son? The same son who still trips over his two left feet and daydreams far too often than he should?” Her tone was light and playful, but Eren’s heart still sunk a little at her words. “Ah, well, it is back now and that’s all that matters. You look like you’re our son again.”
Why would you say that?
“I didn’t look like your son without it?”“Don’t be sulking, you know what I mean. You look like the son of a pastor now and not just some random boy. People will know what part of the community you belong to.”“And what part of the community is that?” Eren pressed, hands curling into fists by his side.“Oh don’t be ridiculous. Why are you making such childish comments, Eren? Are you not happy that I found the necklace you lost, hmm?”“Why should I be happy? You yelled at me for a whole week about losing it and it turns out it was in a washing basket that you placed in the storage, not me.”“Is this how you show your gratefulness to your mother?” Her voice rose as she snapped back, hands falling from Eren’s shoulders as a line formed between her creased brows. Eren watched as her gaze flickered behind him. “Studying for your exam? Good. Your grades have been poor lately.”“Why are you bringing that up? I thought we were talking about the necklace that you lost.”“Don’t question me, I will talk about what I wish to.”“My grades aren’t that bad. I placed third for mathematics, is that not an improvement from fifth? I’m only behind Armin and Mikasa. What more do you want from me?” Eren narrowed his eyes, sucking in deep breaths in an attempt to calm the irritation that pulsed throughout his veins. Usually Eren would have backed off, apologised to his mother for his rudeness, and let his burning anger cool.Something had changed, however.
Don’t let them control you.
“Dear Lord, Eren, what do we want from you? Your father and I expect better from you; it is as simple as that. Why not second, hmm? Why are you still lacking in all your other subjects – English, Geography, you placed sixth in Legal Studies, for Heaven’s sake. Your mathematics mark is not impressive when you lack in every other area of your education.”His voice was low but cracked as he spoke, “I- I got second in History, though, and- and- and I’ve told you, sometimes I can’t concentrate and I can’t sit still for a long time-”“Stop with the excuses, Eren.” His mother let out a sigh, hand coming up to rub her eyes in frustration. “How did your father and I raised Mikasa, a beautiful young girl who receives first in all her classes, and then somehow we have you?”Silence fell over them.A heavy ache weighed down his heart. Eren’s jaw went slack. With glassy eyes he glared at his mother, lips trembling, fists shaking. Each tear burned against his cheek. Each quick breath felt like a struggle as his throat painfully tightened. His mother simply looked at him, a frown etched onto her face. She looked at Eren as if he was pitiful, and it made Eren’s blood flood with bitterness.“I- I- I’m sorry, okay? What do you want me to say, Mother? Sorry that I’m not as good as my adopted sister? Huh? Is that what you want me to tell you?” Eren’s voice rose to a yell, voice scratching against his throat. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry that you don’t think I’m good enough, that Mikasa is this beautiful amazing girl and I’m just your pathetic son who is too clumsy, too angry, too stupid to make you happy! Is that what you wanted me to say, Mother?”“How dare you raise your voice at me, Eren. Don’t cry, you’re not a little baby, and I am not going to sit here and coddle you because you’re upset. What I speak is the truth. Perhaps instead of getting angry at your dearest mother, who only wants the best for you, work on improving yourself. I love you, Eren, and it frustrates me that you never reach your full potential.”With that she turned away, striding towards the door. Eren stared in silence as she closed it with a slam loud enough to make him flinch, not looking back for a second at where he stood in tears.In a wrecked defeat Eren sunk to the ground, pulling his knees to his chest, and weeping into his bandaged hands. There was a painful ache in his heart. It was difficult to breathe, and the twisting of his stomach made a sickening lump form in his tight throat.
You love me? You only want the best for me? But you’re so mean, Mother. I love Mikasa. I love you. But why do you always have to compare me to her?
I wish Levi was here, I wish I could hug him. He will know what to say. He’ll understand that sometimes I just can’t concentrate in class, even if I try really hard. Levi understands me, he cares for me.
“I’m- I’m fucking sorry,” Eren choked out. In an attempt to wipe his tears, he pushed the back of his hands to his eyes, the bandages on his hands rubbing harshly against his skin. The pulsing of his aching heart could be felt in his ears, and any thoughts about his history exam tomorrow morning was gone.If Eren had only let it go, let his anger cool and apologised to his mother then he wouldn’t be crying like a child right now. She was right, however. Eren never reached his fullest potential. He was a disappointment to his family, to his teacher, to his community.Shakily Eren pulled himself up, and made his way over to his bed. Crawling under the red quilt he pulled it over his head, blocking out the evening sunlight and cocooning himself in his own misery. Salty tears dampened his pillow as he pressed a hand over his mouth to muffle his harsh sobs. The black sweater that smelled of Levi was shoved under his pillow, and Eren pulled it out and brought it to his chest; seeking the comfort of Levi’s warmth and embrace. All Eren wanted was for his mother and father to be as proud of him as they were of his sister.
Why do I still care about what they think of me, anyway? Levi will be proud of me. Levi likes me, and he said he understands me. So why do I still get upset about my parents?
I wish Levi was here.
Under the blankets, the sounds of the outside world were dulled. There was only Eren’s shaking breaths, the occasional sniffle, and his whining, muffled cries.In the darkness, he quickly drifted to sleep. In his dream, it was dark. Eren walked through Shiganshina’s forest, bare footsteps cracking and crunching the dried leaves and sticks underneath him. Cold night air made Eren shiver as he wrapped his arms around his bare torso. In front of him he could see the trees begin to give way to the river, the full moon from above reflexed on the still surface.There was also Levi, standing by the riverside, shirtless as Eren was. He was softly smiling at Eren, drenched in soft sunlight even in the darkened night, a hand out and beckoning Eren to come forward.At seeing him a wide grin etched itself across Eren’s face and he broke into a sprint. As he ran, the branches seemed to cave in around him, and thorny vines snapped out in front of him. They scrapped against Eren’s bare skin, drawing blood that left Eren hissing at the pain. Yet he continued to run towards Levi; not particularly getting any closer, as if the space between them was widening with each footstep Eren took.There were angry, ghastly whispers all around Eren, as if the trees themselves were speaking to him, but his focus was only on Levi. Eren was desperate now. His breaths were heaving as tears pricked the corner of his eyes. A thick, dark green vine lashed out in front of him and wrapped itself around Eren’s leg, sharp thorns piercing his skin and he screamed. It tried to pull him back, and the whispers around him were now ear-splitting yet Eren continued to struggle against the grip. He smacked against the forest floor as he fell, hands clawing at the dirt and decaying flora in front of him.“L-Levi! Levi! Levi!” Eren’s voice was harsh as he shrieked. He tried kicking off the animalistic vine, gaze not once breaking from Levi’s gentle, warm, soft smile. As the vine’s grip around his leg tightened Eren felt the earth beneath him shift. Dirt, moss, sticks and leaves began to move up around him as if he was swimming in it. The air was sucked out of him as it began to cover his entire body. It was like sinking sand, and Eren was being pulled into it.“Please! Levi! Help me! I need you!” Eren screeched once more, tears blurring his vision. The dirt continued to engulf him as the vine began to pull in into the ground. All he could smell was dirt and moss, and as his head was pulled under the ground he began to choke. His hand was still out in front of him in the open air, waving desperately and frantically as Eren suffocated.There was the feeling of another hand entwining itself with his own, and Eren was abruptly yanked out of the ground, the vine ripping away from his lower leg, the ground settling and hardening beneath his feet again. Levi stood in front of him with not a speck of filth on his skin; but the sunlight that cloaked him was gone now, and he was in darkness.With a desperate cough Eren scrunched his eyes closed, heaving in the fresh air. When they opened, both Levi and Eren had suddenly shifted to the river side. Eren was sitting at the river’s edge, the cool waves washing away the dust and dirt from his legs. Levi cupped the water with his hand, and used it in an attempt to wash the rest of the dirt from Eren’s torso, face, and arms. He sat behind Eren, legs on either side of him, front flushed to Eren’s back.“My beautiful, beautiful Eren. I told you not to wander too far without me.” Levi said, pressing a kiss to the nape of Eren’s neck. He cupped more of the water and washed Eren’s hands. Levi’s thumb dusted over the pale white scars on Eren’s hands. Eren thought his hands were still healing; but wounds were already scarred over.“I thought- thought you were going to leave me.”“I would never, my angel.” Levi moved to press a kiss to Eren’s jaw, hand brushing over the small scrapes and tears in Eren’s skin from the thorned vines. “Look what they’ve done to you. Everyone has hurt you, everything has hurt you, but not me, Eren.”“Everyone? No, no, it’s- it’s just my parents.”“Shh, listen to me, Eren. You believe me, don’t you?”Eren’s breath hitched when Levi’s hands moved to his chest, gliding over the bare skin and leaving tingles in their path. He stuttered out a weak, “I- I believe you, Levi.”“Of course you believe me Eren. I’ll never lie to you. My beautiful, beautiful Eren,” Levi said, and he pressed another kiss to the nape of Eren’s neck. Eren leaned into his touch, eyes fluttering close and letting the comfort of Levi’s aura calm his heart.“Stay here with me, Eren. I don’t want you to go.” Levi’s voice was delicate as he whispered into Eren’s ear, his low, sombre tone sending a shiver down Eren’s spine.“I won’t go. I’ll stay here, Levi. I want to stay here with you.”“Kiss me, angel.”Eren felt his heart flip at the request and he turned his head, looking up at Levi’s gentle gaze. There was only the sound of the waves, and Eren’s slow heartbeat that he could feel in his chest. As his gaze flickered to Levi’s lips Eren sighed. They were soft, a pale pink colour and Eren ached to feel them against his own. He’s never kissed someone before. Was it okay for boys to kiss each other?“Yes, of course, Eren,” Levi said, as if he could read Eren’s every thought. He leaned a little closer, the tips of their noses touching. “Why would I ask you to kiss me if it was not okay?”“Yeah,” Eren smiled hazily before he closed the gap between them.But there was no feeling. No sparks, no warmth in his stomach, no quick thump of his heart like Eren expected there to be. When he opened his eyes he was in his bed, sweating from the cocooned heat of his blankets. Levi was not beside him. There was no water, no forest behind them, no moon above. Eren was alone. It was Friday, and the town clock-tower had chimed to signal that it was three o’clock and the school day had finished. Eren, Armin, Mikasa and Annie, the new girl who had transferred from Trost, were walking home together. They were walking up a hill towards the district all four of them lived in, passing by houses and the occasional group of other civilians.That morning Eren had his history exam, and despite his mind drifting to his peculiar dream on Thursday afternoon, Eren still managed to focus through most of it. Many of the questions were easy and he answered them with ease; he was hoping to get second in the class again, so that maybe his mother and father could be proud of him.
No they won’t. Mother said yesterday that it’s not enough, remember?
Eren sighed, grip on his schoolbag strap around his shoulder tightening. It caused a twang of pain to shoot out from the still-healing wounds in his bandaged hand, but he ignored it. With slower steps he lingered behind the group, watching with dull eyes at the way Armin, Annie and Mikasa told jokes and laughed with each other. Usually, Eren would have joined them.Annie told another joke and both Armin and Mikasa threw their heads back in laughter. When they had started walking home, neither of them had said nothing much to Eren and simply ran a little further to catch up with Annie. She had transferred to their school a little over four weeks ago now. Much like Armin, she had bright blonde hair and light blue eyes, but also a long nose, and pointed chin. Apparently she was quite skilled, from what he had heard from Mikasa: she had a black belt in Judo, was a genius at mathematics and did competitive marathon running.Both Eren and Annie have not talked much. Personally he had found her a little bit intimidating, and so he kept his distance at lunch breaks. Eren simply sulked behind the group, a tang of jealousy weighing down his heart. Maybe that was the aching feeling he felt. Jealously over seeing his best friend and sister seemingly get along much better with someone else than him.“Hey, Eren!” Armin twisted around and waved at him, beckoning Eren over.Eren didn’t quicken his pace, simply cocking his head to the side and mumbling a monotone, “What?”Armin didn’t seem to notice Eren’s lack of enthusiasm. His wide, toothy grin didn’t falter at Eren’s absent expression before he asked Eren to come over that afternoon, saying that Annie and Mikasa will also be joining them. Often Eren went to Armin’s house on Fridays (and often Mikasa would join). They would play card games, cook baked sweets and talk for hours about school, girls that Armin liked and more girls that he thought would be cute with Eren.Most days, Eren would eagerly agree to spend time outside of school with his best friend.But seeing the way both Annie and Mikasa turned to look at him, not even half-as-excited as Armin was, his heart sank. Mikasa’s expression was blank, and Annie looked at him with a slight frown.
Do they not want me there with them?
“No.”“Huh?” Armin’s eyes widened. “What do you mean no? Are you busy? We usually hang out on Fridays. I thought you’d want to come with us.”“They clearly don’t want me there.” Eren spat, sending a quick glare to where Annie and Mikasa stood side by side. Mikasa furrowed her brows in confusion at him, but Annie’s face stayed the same as if she was not bothered in the slightest by Eren’s accusation.“Oh, stop it Eren.” It was Mikasa, taking a step forward towards Eren. “Of course we want you here. What is your problem? Last time I checked, you don’t have anything on this afternoon.”“Then why are you and Annie looking at me like that?”“Like what, Eren? I’m worried about you, because you’ve been sulking all afternoon, and Annie- that’s just her face, for Heaven’s sake, it’s not her fault you are terrible at reading people.”“Whatever. I’m busy anyway, so go have fun by yourselves.”“Busy with what?” Mikasa said, shaking her head as she regarded Eren’s tense shoulders and shaking fists. “Look, there’s no reason to get angry-”“Oh, shut up!” Eren’s voice rose to a yell as he rolled his eyes at his adoptive sister. The tone of her voice sounded condescending, and it made the fists by his sides curl in tighter around themselves. It caused his wounds to sting. “I’m not angry. Go have fun with Armin and your best friend, and I’ll go do whatever I’m doing. It’s none of your business, Mikasa, and it’s not like you’d fucking care, anyway.”A silence settled over the group. Mikasa stared at him with her mouth agape, a crease formed between her raised brows. Armin tried to stutter out a few words, and Annie’s frown had deepened. With one final scowl at the trio Eren stomped back around and back in the direction of the town square.None of them followed him, thankfully. There was only one person that Eren wanted to be around at the moment, and both Armin and Mikasa were leaving him with a bitter feeling in his gut.He’d never sworn at his sister before. Yet now that he had Eren felt a thrilling rush as he grinned to himself, ignoring the questioning looks of people that passed him by. Rationally, Eren would tell himself that he needed to calm himself, to control his anger, to stop picking petty fights with his family members and friends. It was rare that Eren yelled at them; yet in the past two days he’d risen his voice at both Mikasa and his mother (which had earned him a slap when his father came home last night).But the buzz at it; at speaking his mind, at telling his sister how Eren really felt instead of always treading over his words and watching his mouth was blissful. Maybe she will go home, cry to his parents that Eren had cursed at her and he’d be slapped again. Maybe she wouldn’t, like how she didn’t tell his parents about Eren’s detention. He didn’t know, and to be honest: Eren could care less.At remembering how she helped Eren by not telling their parents about the detention, and how now he had yelled and cursed at her, a feeling of stinging guilt coiled itself around him.But then Eren remembered Levi’s words.
Anger is a human emotion.
Don’t let them control you.
Pushing the guilty feeling deeper inside him, Eren continued to walk forward. As he rounded the northern archway of the town square there was a spring in his step, and a small blush coated his cheeks when he spotted Levi in a deep-blue sweater at the other end. Eren and Levi sat at a circular, wooden table outside a bakery on the northern side. It was on a slight hill and overlooked the town square and river below. Soft, gentle jazz music played from inside; it was different to the records that Hanji had, which were a lot more up-beat and fast-paced. A small flower pot sat in the middle of their table as decoration, as well as one coffee and two chocolate croissants that Levi had bought for them. Instead of across from him, Levi sat right beside Eren.A few other people were inside the bakery, but Eren and Levi were the only ones outside. It was painted light blue, with the words ‘Nanaba’s Baked Goods’ painted in bold lettering above the door. Their table was not in front of the window, thankfully, so Eren did not feel too hesitant at letting Levi lace their fingers together. Some civilians walked past occasionally, but they didn’t stop and stare.“How did your exam go, Eren? Did you understand most of it?” Levi quirked a brow as he sipped on his coffee. His thumb gently brushed over Eren’s bandaged one.“Yeah, it was really good. It was about the uprising in the inner districts that happened fifty-five years ago – you know, the one where they overthrew the king? It was really interesting, so I paid attention during my exam… most of the time.”“Ah, yes, I know quite a lot about the uprising. I’m from the inner districts, remember?”“Oh, yeah!” Eren’s mind flickered back to his drunken night with Levi at the river. “Sorry, I forgot about it. That’s why you and Kenny both have accents, right?”“Mhm. Well, I hope you do well on your exam, angel.” Levi said. He brought Eren’s hand to his lips, and pressed a kiss to a knuckle. “I’m proud that you did your best.”Eren tried to hide the blush that creeped across his cheeks as he shyly thanked Levi. There was a silence and Eren nibbled on the croissant, his mind drifting back to the strange dream that he had on Thursday afternoon. That was why he had been slightly distracted during his exam. It was odd, and no matter how much Eren thought about it, it didn’t make any sense.
Maybe it’s just a strange dream. It doesn’t have to mean anything.
But I kissed Levi in it. Why? Why did I do that? Isn’t that wrong?
Does this mean I’m sick?
“What are you thinking about, Eren? You’ve gone quiet.”Eren rested his head in his palm, taking another quick bite of his croissant. He wondered if it was okay to tell Levi about his strange dream. Would Levi know what was wrong with him? If he told Armin or Mikasa about Levi kissing him in his dream, they’d probably tell him to see a doctor. But they’d tell him to see a doctor if they knew about Levi kissing his cheeks and holding his hand, too.Levi would know what was right. Not Armin, not Mikasa.“I had a weird dream yesterday afternoon.”“Oh? Afternoon? Don’t you mean night?” Levi said.“No, no. I- Uh, well, after my mum gave me back my cross necklace that I- she, lost, we had a little fight, and I fell asleep.” Eren paused, pulling out the silver cross necklace from under his shirt. Purposely he skipped over the part that he had cried to sleep; Eren did not want Levi to worry. Levi eyed the necklace as he fumbled with it in his hand. “Then I had a really weird dream.”“I didn’t realise you wear a cross necklace,” Levi mumbled. When he continued, his spoke clearly again. “What was your dream about, angel? Nothing too scary, I hope?”Eren shook his head. “You were in it. I was in the forest, and there were also these vines and the trees were whispering, though I couldn’t hear what they said. And then you were at the edge of the river.”“Really? Was I waiting for you?”“I think? I called for you. A vine dragged me under the dirt, but you saved me,” Eren smiled, “And then… uh. Well, then you cleaned me off, and…”“And?” Levi took another sip of his coffee. “What happened then?”“We- oh, uh…” Eren stuttered. The blush across his cheeks deepened to a dark red. “I… It’s… sick…”“Tell me, I’ll let you know if its sick, Eren.”He sucked in a deep breath, a feeling of anxiousness flooding his veins. Eren repeatedly told himself that it was okay, that Levi understands him, that Levi would let him know if it was wrong. Yet there was still a lump forming in his tightened throat, his stomach twisting timidly inside him.“We kissed…”The words came out in a whisper and Eren closed his eyes, as if embarrassed by hearing himself saying it out loud. It was strange for him to admit that he dreamed of kissing a boy. For all his life Eren had been told that boys were not to kiss one another, that boys could only want to kiss girls, yet Eren desperately desired to feel Levi’s lips against his own in this dream. He couldn’t remember how they felt, or how the kiss itself was; perhaps that was because Eren had never been kissed before. “That’s not sick, angel.”“It isn’t?” Eren’s tone dripped with uncertainty and doubt.“Never. You believe me, don’t you?”“I’ll always believe you,” Eren breathed out, opening his eyes to be met with Levi’s gentle, warm gaze. His heart skipped a beat at the sight of Levi. Eren smiled at him, feeling reassured at knowing that he was not sick. It must have been another lie that his parents… and his God, have told him. If Levi said it was not sick, then Eren believed him. Levi wanted to help him be free. Levi would never lie to him.His attention fell to Levi’s pretty, soft lips that curled into a knowing smirk.“Do you want to kiss me?”“Oh- Uh- Levi, I…” Eren stuttered out. A nervous laugh left his lips as he turned his head, looking at the blue walls of the bakery instead. He rubbed the back of his neck with his bandaged hands, the blood rushing to his cheeks. Kissing Levi? Did… Did I want that? I don’t know.
How do I know I want to kiss someone? My parents never talk about these things. I don’t know what I’m meant to feel like. Why do you kiss someone? It’s… it’s because you like each other, right?
I like Levi. But I like Armin too, and Jean, and Historia… and I don’t think I would like to kiss them.
“Talk to me, Eren.” Levi said, thumb drawing faint circles over Eren’s palm. “I want to help you.”“I don’t know how it feels like… to want to kiss someone.”“You’ve never kissed a person before?” Levi’s voice picked up and Eren shook his head, gaze falling to the half-eaten croissant in front of him. “That’s hard to believe. You’re so cute.”“Ha, Levi,” Eren licked his lips, looking up at Levi through his lashes. He tucked a strand of his hair behind his ears, a shy smile etching itself across his face. “You’re the only person who thinks I’m cute.”“Here, let’s go somewhere a little more private.” Levi stood up after a moments pause. Eren followed, leaving the table behind and walking down the street. The sun was starting to set, colouring the sky in oranges and pinks. It would be nearing five, meaning that soon Eren would have to go home.As they passed the houses, Levi’s hand reached out to gently hold Eren’s bandaged one. Their shoulders brushed against each other and Levi pulled him into a deserted backstreet. Only the back of the dark oak houses overlooked them; there were few backdoors, and even fewer windows. It resembled the alleyway next to the library, where Levi had bandaged his hands. At the end of the dead-end street were various abandoned cardboard boxes and rubbish bags.“Why are we here, Levi? Ah- Levi!” Eren yelped out his name in surprise as Levi pushed him against the back wall of one of the houses. Leaning forward Levi put their foreheads together, an intoxicating smirk curling his lips that left Eren breathless. The beating of his heart quickened. When Levi’s hands reached up to gently pin Eren’s on the either side of his head, Eren’s mouth fell agape and an expression of pure and utter awe reached his face.Levi was smirking at him. His eyes, a beautiful grey-blue, narrowed and locked with Eren’s own. They were so close and Eren could smell Levi’s scent of vanilla, and feel Levi’s breath against his skin. When Levi took a step closer, pushing his knee in-between Eren’s legs he gasped, hips involuntarily rolling up to be closer with the other boy. Each beat of his wild heart could be felt in vividly against his chest.“Have you ever thought about kissing anyone before?” Levi said.“I- I told you, I don’t really know anything about these… things. My parents never told me about it.”“Oh, Eren. So innocent, aren’t you?” Levi purred, head moving to press a soft kiss to Eren’s neck. It earned him a small whine as Eren’s eyes fluttered, his fingertips clutching around Levi’s hands. “Do you feel it? The way your heartbeat quickens when I look at you, the tingly sensation at my touch... the warmth in your stomach that grows when I kiss your cheeks, and touch you a little too… closely.”“Ah- Yes, Levi, do you feel it… too?”“All the time. You’re so fucking beautiful. So gorgeous. So pure.”Another gasp left Eren’s lips when Levi bit softly at the bare skin of his collarbones, pulling down Eren’s green shirt to expose them. Levi’s gentle hands moved to reach up under Eren’s shirt, gliding along his bare chest. They were cold against Eren as he bit his lip, feeling the blissful sparks dance across his skin. Heat was rapidly growing in the lower part of Eren’s stomach. “L-Levi, ah, what are you doing?”Levi hummed, dark eyes flickering up towards Eren and he smirked; the sight of it went straight to the growing warmth in Eren’s stomach. When Levi began to suck on the skin, his toes curled in his shoes, his head hitting the wall behind him as Eren held back a whine in the back of his throat. It was embarrassing – the strange noises that he was making, and wanted to make. Levi continue to suck, biting gently down and pulling tenderly on the skin. With every slight nip and gentle kiss of the sensitive skin on Eren’s collarbone, Levi’s hands continued to explore his chest.His breath hitched in the back of his throat and the ground beneath him swayed. Nothing in Eren’s head made any sense. The only thing that Eren could think about was Levi, and Levi’s touch. Any concerns about the strange dream, whether someone would see them, whether this was even okay for Eren to be doing or his fight with Mikasa and his mother melted away.It felt painfully good. Levi’s tongue licked the reddening skin once before he pulled back, hands falling out of Eren’s shirt again and he rested his and Eren’s foreheads together once more.“It’s a hickey. Don’t show anyone. It’s for us only, okay Eren?” Levi said, kissing Eren’s cheek.“O-Okay, Levi.” Eren opened his eyes to look at Levi. He shyly bit his lip to hold back a small smile at seeing Levi’s cheeks a pale pink, his irises full-blown. “W-Why did you do that?”“Because I like you.”
You… like me?
“Do p-people do this when they like each other?”“This, kisses, and many, many other things, angel.” Levi’s hands reaching up to intertwine with Eren’s once more above his head. “Did you like that, hmm? Or was it painful?”“It…” Eren licked his lips, sucking in a deep breath. “It was really nice… Levi…”Eren wanted to tell Levi that he thought he liked him too. Levi made Eren happy, made Eren’s cheeks blush and any of the worries Eren held fade away. When Eren was around Levi he felt safe, protected and comforted in his embrace. Levi was kind, beautiful, smart and free.Yet a part of him begged Eren to twist out of Levi’s gasp and run away. After all, Levi was a boy. Was it okay for Eren to feel like this around other boys? It was okay for boy’s to apparently kiss each other, that Eren knew as Levi had said it was okay. So, surely this should be okay too?“What are you thinking, hmm? You’re quiet. Are you uncomfortable?”“N-No!” Eren replied quickly, a spark of anxiety rising in his chest. He didn’t want Levi to think that it had made Eren uncomfortable, because it was the exact opposite. A part of Eren wanted Levi to touch him like that again. He continued, “I… I’m not! I liked it! But… Levi… I don’t understand.”“Don’t understand what, angel?”“I… I like you too! You make me happy! But I like Armin, and Sasha, and my other friends. But they don’t make me feel all… weird inside. With you, Levi, I just want to hug you… and stuff… all the time.”“That’s because, Eren,” Levi kissed his cheek, “It’s different between you and me. We understand each other, right? You wouldn’t do these things with your other friends because I’m not like your other friends. They believe all the lies people have told them, but not you, and not me.”“Ah, Levi…” The words fell short on Eren’s tongue when Levi smiled at him, his heart skipping a beat at the sight. Instead he leaned forward, kissing Levi’s cheek, achingly close to the corner of Levi’s lips. It was okay for Eren to kiss boys; he knew that now. It was a lie that his parents had always told him, a lie that Eren had foolishly believed. Still, he held himself back. Anxiety still pulsed through his veins at the thought of… doing that with someone as beautiful as Levi.Eren’s hands wiggled out of Levi’s grip and moved to wrap around Levi’s neck, pulling them closer together so that their chests touched. It is different between me and Levi. He’s not like my other friends. Several booming dings ringed throughout the district. It was five o’clock. Eren had to go home.“When can I see you again?” Eren said.“Whenever you’re free, Eren.”“… Tomorrow afternoon? My parents are visiting the mayor at the Government building, and I think my sister is spending the night at our friend Ymir’s house. So I’ll home alone,” A shy smile etched across his face at the latter. It’s not like Levi had never been in Eren’s house, as he had brought him home on Monday night. However, this time Eren will be awake, and alone with Levi.Unlike all the other times they have met up with each other, there will be nobody else around to watch them with prying eyes. Eren could do… anything he wanted with Levi.The thought made his heart flip. Maybe we can cuddle? Like Levi said he wanted too…“Of course, angel. I can meet you at your house? Will two o’clock be an okay time, or will your family still be there by then?” Levi replied, hands moving to rest on the side of Eren’s face.“Yes! Two o’clock is fine, Levi.”“Well, I better walk you home now, shouldn’t I?” Levi pulled back. Eren’s hands fell from around his shoulders, and he intertwined one with Levi’s instead. Together they walked out of the back-street and into the main one, where a few late civilians were still on their way home. Sunset had fully begun to set now, and the sky above was a deep blue and purple with fading oranges.“You really don’t have to keep going,” Eren chuckled as they passed the bakery. It was closed now, the tables from outside packed up and put in the shop. “I can go by myself. It’s not that far.”“What sort of friend would I be if I didn’t make sure my lovely Eren did not get home safe?” Levi said with a cheeky grin, playfully nudging Eren’s shoulder with his own.Eren blushed at the comment.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was two o’clock on Saturday. When Eren had come home after seeing Levi the day before, Mikasa ignored him. As far as Eren knew, his mother and father did not know about Eren cursing at his sister. It was odd - Eren did expect to be screamed at for cursing as soon as he walked through the door. Even though it made him a little guilty at the way Mikasa had looked right past him and refused to say a single word, Eren was far too focused on the fact that he'll finally be alone with Levi to care too much.
Perhaps she knew that it was her fault for pushing me. If she had just let me go to see Levi without asking questions, I wouldn't of cursed at her.
Storm clouds dimmed the afternoon sun, and the cobbled street outside was damp from brief bursts of rain. Both Eren’s parents had been gone since eleven in the morning, and Mikasa had left to go to Ymir’s house an hour ago. Eren was home alone. All morning Eren’s stomach had been light with butterflies. Nobody else in the Jaeger family knew about Levi coming to their house that afternoon. His mother and father assumed that Eren would be simply studying or relaxing inside during the storm. To think that the amazing, beautiful Levi would be in his house, and for the first time they would be truly alone made Eren giddy with joy.Eren wanted to hug Levi, cuddle with him under blankets, and let Levi press soft kisses to him all over like Levi had said he wanted to. Thinking about it made Eren’s heart skip.When the doorbell rang, echoing throughout the empty house, Eren jogged down the stairs with a toothy grin. Levi’s black sweater hugged his figure, and when he opened the door it was a shield from the cold breeze. At the sight of seeing Levi before him, in a dark red sweater and jeans with his hair parted down the middle as usual, Eren happily sighed.
Finally, we’re alone now.
“Hey, angel… enjoying my sweater, hmm?” Levi said, a wicked smirk tugging on his lips.“Ah, it’s warm. Come in!” Eren stepped to the side, beckoning Levi to step in. Levi gave a smile in reply, following Eren’s request. Inside the house it was warm, as the large stone fireplace in the dining room was lit and burning all morning.In the hallway, Eren’s gaze was fixated on the boy before him. Levi took in his surroundings, eyes settling on some paintings that hung on the wall of the hallway. They were ones that Eren’s mother and father commissioned from a high-class artist when he was a young child. In it Eren wore a black suit, and sat beside Mikasa who wore a white dress. His mother and father stood tall behind them in corresponding outfits. Small, modest smiles were painted across their faces. The colours were dull, and the background was a bleak, block grey colour.“You looked adorable as a kid.” Levi commented. “Your family must be well off if you could afford to pay someone to paint all of you, right? Portrait paintings are rare among the middle class.”Eren nodded, leaning against the wall beside it. “Yeah. My father’s day job is a doctor, remember? So he is payed quite a lot of money, I think.”“Probably gets a lot of money from being the pastor, too.”“Maybe. I don’t really know. My parents don’t talk about money.” Eren said.Levi continued to look around the house, stepping through the large arched doorway to the left and into the dining room. In there were large, squared windows alongside the right wall, with a window-bench and white pillows underneath. In the middle of the room was an oval-shaped, dark oak dining table. Placed on it were several half-burned candle wicks, and the newspaper from this morning that his father had read. At the far end of the room was the burning fireplace, with two rows of filled shelves on either side. On the right wall was the open doorway into the kitchen.Eren stopped just behind Levi, whose fingertips brushed over the table lightly.“Uh, Levi, I don’t really have… anything planned today. It’s cold outside, though… so… I was thinking, maybe… you know how you said the other day…” Eren fumbled over his words. His still-bandaged hands rubbed the back of his neck lightly and he sheepishly diverted his gaze to the ground as a pink blush rose to his cheeks.“Do you want to cuddle?” Levi turned around to look at him, cocking his head to the side. “Is that what you’re trying to ask me, angel? Because I would love to.”With a small chuckle Eren met his gaze, blush deepening. “Y-Yeah. Ah, do you want tea first? I have some, and I know tea is your favourite drink. We only have lavender, though.”“Oh, lavender? How fancy.” Levi took a step forward, resting his hands on Eren’s jawline. When he leaned forward Eren’s eyes fluttered close as his breath hitched in the back of his throat. Levi’s lips pressed to the corner of Eren’s mouth, not quite on it. It was gentle, soft, and made Eren’s heartbeat skip and tingles spark across his skin. Eren bit back the childish whine when Levi pulled away with a smirk. “I’d love some, Eren.” About ten minutes later, Eren and Levi were in Eren’s room. A boiling pot of lavender tea and a half-drunken cup sat on the bedside table, where Levi would take sips from it whilst his other hand ran through Eren’s hair, massaging his head gently. The patched-red quilt was brought up to their chests and cocooning them in warmth. Under it, Levi’s and Eren’s legs were tangled with each other. Eren had one of his legs over Levi’s as he laid his head on the boy’s chest, with one arm wrapped around his waist. Levi’s steady heartbeat was thumping in Eren’s ear and his eyes fluttered close at the sensation, a feeling of comfort and safety pulling him down to a dreamlike state.It was the first time Eren had done something like this with someone in years. As a child, his mother used to hold him this close and read him stories from the Holy Bible, such as Noah’s Ark. Yet as he grew older, Eren was told it was childish for him to want to be cuddled by someone.Levi, however, understood Eren. He was different from everyone else.Being wrapped in Levi’s touch and embrace was a feeling Eren knew he would grow to crave. It was more than simply a hug; lying in bed with Levi meant Eren could hold their bodies close. Their heartbeats would sync as if they were one person, alone and protected from any harm. He never knew that someone could feel so safe, so comforting, so gentle. It made Eren’s heart ache.“Are you tired, angel? You can sleep if you wish to.” Levi said, tone soft. His hands continued to run through Eren’s locks. A clink sound reached him, presumably Levi placing his cup down before Levi’s other hand wrapped around Eren’s shoulder, pulling him a little bit closer. Eren’s chest almost laid directly on Levi’s now. A hum formed in the back of his throat when Levi’s other hand began to draw circles on Eren’s shoulders and upper back.“I’m not… that tired… You’re just really gentle.” Eren mumbled out, eyes still closed as he breathed in the vanilla scent. With a yawn he said, “Levi, I think I like you more than some of my other friends.”There was a silence, with Levi leaning to press a kiss to the top of Eren’s head before he continued. “Really? That makes me so happy to hear you say that. Which other friends, may I ask?”“Mhm, like… Sasha, Connie, Jean, Historia and stuff… they’re nice too, but not as nice as you.”“What about Armin?”“Oh,” Eren licked his lips, snuggling closer to Levi. “Armin’s my best friend. You and him are both really different. I like Armin a lot, but I also like you a lot. Maybe… you can both be my best friends.”“You think of me as your best friend?” Levi’s voice picked up, and he gave a squeeze to Eren’s side. “That’s cute. You’re my best friend, too. But, we’re still different than you and Armin, don’t you think?”“Yeah. Armin doesn’t understand me like you do, and he believes in lies.”“Good boy,” Levi said, and it made a rushing warmth reach Eren. “That’s exactly right.”Eren had decided that Levi calling him good boy, and praising him in general, was one of his favourite things. Unlike others around him, Levi always seemed sincere. And his deep voice and foreign accent is… really attractive to listen to. I didn’t realise someone could actually sound attractive. After another few minutes of silence, with Levi switching between sipping on lavender tea and delicately drawing odd shapes onto Eren’s body, Eren opened his eyes. From where he laid, snug into Levi’s chest he could see the other side of his plain room. The crayon drawings of Armin and Eren on the wardrobe and the red quilt on his bed were the only real pieces of colour.“I’m sorry if my room is boring. My mother and father don’t like me having too many personal belongings, they say it’s a waste of space and money.” Eren said, a frown tugging on his lips.“How awful of them. You know, if you lived with me, I’ll let you have whatever you want,” Levi replied, before sipping on his tea once more.“Really? I’d love to live with you. My parents would be upset though, they’d never let me leave, ha.”“Then leave without them knowing.”Eren snickered, hand moving to playfully hit Levi’s chest. “Don’t be silly. I can’t do that.”“You can do whatever you like, baby.” Levi’s lips curled into a smirk as Eren glared at him with creased brows and a small pout, biting back the giggle that threatened to spill.“Hey! I’m not a baby!”“Aw, I mean it in a cute way. You’re adorable like a baby, and it makes me want to kiss you all over.”“You want to kiss babies?”Levi’s eyes widened as he choked on his words, causing Eren to laugh and hide his wide grin in the crook of Levi’s neck. After a moment Levi stuttered, “W-what? No! No! Oh fuck, definitely no. That’s-that’s not what I mean, shit, you really don’t understand pet names do you? Ah.”“Ha, it’s okay! I was just teasing you, Levi. You should have seen your face!” Eren sucked in a deep breath, holding back his laugh, “I’ve never seen you look so shocked.”“You really are something, aren’t you?”Eren hummed, pulling back and propping himself up over Levi’s chest with his elbows. Leaning in, he pressed a small kiss to each of Levi’s cheeks. “You can call me baby if you want to. Just… just don’t treat me like one, please. Everyone already thinks I’m unable to make my own choices.”“Hmm? And why would they ever say that, Eren? You’re not a little boy.”“My mum thinks I trust people too easily, and my sister says I’d never be able to tell if someone’s bad because I trust others quickly. Whatever that means. So they treat me like I need to be protected all the time, and I hate it.” Eren rolled his eyes.Over the years there had been many arguments with Mikasa and his mother over Eren’s apparent naïvetés. It always left a heavy weight over Eren’s heart. They acted like Eren could never be trusted, as if he was a weak, stupid body and nothing more. When Eren had turned fifteen he had briefly hoped that perhaps they’ll start treating him like a young adult; yet alas, they didn’t.“Baby, I’ll never treat you like that. Your parents are so awful to you, Eren. I hate seeing you be upset because of them.” Levi leaned forward, planting a kiss on Eren’s forehead. “You’re capable of making your own choices. They’re terrible for treating you as if you’re weak.”“Maybe I am.”“No, you’re not. Don’t let them make you think that you are, Eren. They’re fucking bastards for ruining your self-esteem, and it makes me furious. I’d never make you feel that way.”His breath hitched at hearing Levi call his parents those words. Eren bit his lip as his gaze locked with Levi’s narrowed one. When he shook his head – my parents aren’t fucking bastards, they’re just a little mean – Levi sighed, reaching up to wrap his arms around Eren’s neck.“They’re not that-”“Yes, Eren, they are. Listen to me, they’re horrible people for making you feel so insecure about yourself. Doesn’t it make you angry? Irritated? I know it does, because you’ve told me before.” Levi cut him off, hands reaching to tangle through Eren’s locks in a way so tender that Eren subconsciously leaned into the touch. Doubt coiled around his stomach and throat, choking the air as he continued to focus on Levi. Levi was someone that would never lie to Eren. If he said that Eren’s mother and father were horrible people, then maybe he is right? Levi was the only one that understood.“Don’t you believe me, angel? You know I only want to help you. I only want you to be free, and to be happy. I hate seeing you upset because of your mother and father. They’re awful.” Levi said, pulling Eren towards the crook of his neck. Mirroring Levi’s actions Eren wrapped his arms around Levi’s neck, snuggling into the warmth of his embrace. His pulse was high at Levi’s words, yet he nodded, waiting for Levi to continue to speak.“Tell me you believe me. I want to hear you say it. Your parents are awful.”“I… I believe you…” Eren shifted his head to gaze up at Levi. “My parents… they’re awful…”“That’s it. See, Eren, they want us to be apart. If they knew about us, they’ll never let you and I see each other again. Nice parents don’t cut their children off from their best friends, don’t they?” Levi’s hand drifted to the lower of Eren’s back, rubbing circles into it tenderly.“I- I don’t want us to be apart! I won’t let them do that to us, Levi…” Eren said.“You’re such a good boy. Always’ making me so happy…”A gasp fell from Eren’s lips as Levi’s hand moved a little lower, fingertips slipping beneath the wasteland of Eren’s pants. Sparks of bliss tingled his skin at the touch as a warm, red blush reached his cheeks. His eyes fluttered close and Eren muttered out a weak, “I like making you happy…”“I know, baby. I want to… thank you for that. If you’ll let me.”“What do you mean?”“I want to make you feel good.” Levi’s hand fully moved under the fabric of Eren’s pants, his hand resting on the curve between Eren’s lower back and his… ass. Fingertips massaged into the soft skin and a choked, sudden whine fell from Eren’s lips.He pushed his face further into Levi’s neck and the pillow Levi leaned on, skin feeling hot at the noise that left him. “Ah, that’s so embarrassing. Levi, I’m sorry-”“No, no, don’t apologise baby. Make as many noises as you want. I want to hear you.”Without waiting for Eren to reply Levi’s hand slipped out for only a moment before it grabbed onto the top of Eren’s pants, pulling them down. Not needing to be asked, Eren lifted his hips and squirmed around to let Levi remove his pants. Both of them were still under the red quilt. It was a little bit of a struggle for Eren to kick off his pants, and he held back a small laugh before they finally were removed. Nobody could see Eren’s bare legs, not even Levi.A part of him did not understand why Levi wanted Eren to take off his pants, but he did not question it. Levi was older and knew more than Eren. He said that he wanted to make Eren feel good, and so Eren trusted Levi and his actions. It still made the blush spread to the tips of his ears, however.Hesitantly Eren rested himself back against Levi. The only thing that separated the more… intimate areas and Levi were the thin, black fabric of Eren’s boxers, and it made his pulse race. Nobody had ever seen Eren so barely clothed, nor had anyone touched Eren in such a way that Levi had.
But this is Levi, and he is unlike everyone else, he’s free. It’s different between us.
“L-Levi,” Eren mewled, choking on his breath when Levi’s hips rolled up against him. Sparks of pleasure pulled another gasp from his lips as a rapid heat started to build in the pit of Eren’s stomach.“Does that feel good, hmm?” Levi asked as his fingertips playfully trailed down to the lower part of Eren’s ass, cupping it in his palm.“Ah- yes- oh, L-Levi, is- is this okay?”“We’re doing nothing wrong baby, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Everything is okay. We’re doing nothing wrong.
Another whining gasp left Eren’s lips as he tilted his head to meet Levi’s gaze, back arching towards the roll of Levi’s hips. The cross necklace around his neck hung down, touching Levi’s red sweater. His boxers grew tight and every slight movement created a blissful friction. He had no idea what was going on; Eren’s never felt like this in his entire life.“M-My pants, ah- Levi, why- why does it feel so- ah, weird?”“Your cock is hard, baby. Have you… never felt like this?”Eren’s heart skipped a beat; cock? What is he talking about? Eren shook his head, gulping down another gasp when Levi’s hips grinded against Eren. Each inch of his skin felt tingly and hot. The heat in his stomach coiled around him, leaving his thoughts racing as Eren’s hands moved to grip on the front of Levi’s red sweater.“Really?” Levi said, lips twisting into a smirk. “You’ve never touched yourself before?”“Ah- Fuck, Levi, ha- no, no I’m not allowed to- ah,” Eren gasped out, a deep, croaky moan forming in the back of his throat. It was a sin for Eren to... touch himself in such intimate areas. That was meant to be saved for marriage, and it would be unholy and impure for Eren to do it before.Yet if this was unholy for Eren to do… it felt so fucking good. Besides, if Levi said it was okay for them to do, then it was. Moans, whines and gasps left Eren’s lips as his hips buckled against Levi’s, desperately searching for that sweet, blissful friction that Eren craved.“Aw, that’s why you’re so sensitive baby. It’s okay, you’re allowed to touch yourself. It’s another lie they’ve told you. Deep breaths, just let yourself feel.” Levi said, hands gripping onto the curve of Eren’s ass, kneading the soft skin beneath his fingers.
It is another lie. Just feel.
As the heat in his stomach grew stronger Eren’s legs started to shake. With each passing second, with each roll of Levi’s hips against Eren his mind became more blurred and blank. All that Eren could focus on, and all that mattered in these moments was Levi.Levi’s touch was still gentle and soft, and Eren could barely register the whispered words of praise in his ears. “You’re doing so well for me, Eren. Such a good boy. There, make yourself feel so good.”With a loud, desperate whine Eren pushed harder against Levi, grinding against his touch, his heartbeat loud and quick in his ears.“Levi, Levi, ah, fuck, Levi!”“Does your cock feel good, baby?” Levi said, words travelling straight to the pooling heat in the pit of Eren’s stomach. He grabbed the sides of Eren’s face to press a kiss against the corner of his mouth as Eren continued to roll his hips up against the other boy.“Yes! It- It feels so good, Levi!”“Do you want me to stop?”“No. Don’t- Don’t-” A low groan left Eren’s lips, his eyes rolling back into his head as the friction against his lower half – against his cock - engulfed him in a feeling of warmth and pleasure, “-Don’t you dare stop touching me, Levi.”Levi chuckled at that, pressing another kiss to Eren’s cheeks. His hands shifted to rest on the curve in Eren’s back, pushing him down so their hard, aching cocks rubbed against each other. “Fuck, Eren, you feel so good. Sound so fucking pretty when you’re begging.”“I-I’m making- ah, making you feel good?”“Yeah baby, you feel so hot, such a pretty boy you are, grinding against my cock like this,” Levi leaned forward, pressing feather kisses to Eren’s neck and one to the bruising hickey on Eren’s collarbone.Levi’s hips buckled up, the blissful friction overwhelming. Unable to think of anything else he rolled against Levi’s clothed cock, aching for something Eren didn’t know. Pleasurable heat wrapped around him as Eren’s arms shook and he fell against Levi’s chest, continuing to rub against him at an increasing pace, searching for that friction. The cross necklace around Eren’s neck slapped his chin a few times from the frantic movement, but Eren paid no attention to it. All that was on his mind was Levi.Quick and sudden; a blinding, blissful heat overtook him. Eren yelled out Levi’s name repeatedly as he shook from his orgasm, a strange liquid dampening the fabric of his boxers. Shaking hands grabbed fistfuls of Levi’s red sweater as he choked on his breath. Levi continued to grind against his sensitive cock for a few moments until Eren’s name fell from his lips in a whisper, Levi tensing up beneath him.Together they laid on top of each other in silence. Their ragged, panting breaths filled the room as Eren lazily wrapped his arms around Levi, hiding his blush in the crook of Levi’s neck.That was nothing like Eren had ever felt before.“W-What happened?” Eren said, voice cracking, body still shaking a little.“Shh, you came, that’s all.”“I don’t think I’ve ever done that.”“I figured,” Levi said, and it made Eren chuckle shyly and push his head further into the crook of Levi’s neck. “You okay, angel?”He hummed in response, still too shy to show Levi the deep blush that painted his cheeks. Eren felt as if he were in a daze. A slither of stinging guilt weighed down on Eren’s chest. Eren had been told that he should never give into sexual desires before marriage, yet as soon as Levi’s hips had rolled against him Eren gave in. Levi’s words and his touch was all it took to make Eren sin.Yet, even if it was sinful, there was no doubt that Eren wanted Levi to touch him like that again. Besides, Levi had told him that it was not wrong for them to do this, and that it was another lie that Eren had been told. It was in the Holy Bible, however; perhaps Eren’s God and his disciples were wrong, too? Levi would never lie to him.Levi’s touch and his hips rolling against Eren’s had made a blissful heat reach every inch of his skin, and now that Eren had experienced the pure pleasure, he wanted to feel it again.“What are you thinking, Eren? Talk to me.” Levi said, his hand resting on the lower of Eren’s back.“I’ve always been told I shouldn’t… do these things before marriage. Especially with a boy.”“It’s not wrong for us to desire these things,” Levi paused. “All of them are filthy liars, and even so… it felt good, didn’t it baby? I only wanted to help you, to thank you for being so kind to me.”“Yeah,” Eren pulled back, hazily smiling at Levi before he pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “I know. It’s just… so weird to think they’ve always lied to me about everything. Even things that feel… really… nice. If it wasn’t for you, Levi, I’d never know. I would have just listened to them.”“Aren’t you lucky to have me?” Levi said, cocking his head to the side with a playful smirk.Eren sighed. “Honestly, what would I do without you?” After both Eren and Levi cleaned themselves up (with Eren putting back on his discarded pants), they returned to their cuddling position under the red blanket. Eren laid his head on Levi’s chest again, his heartbeat having returned to a steady pace. With Levi’s arms wrapped around his waist, a warm feeling of comfort and belonging cloaked him.It was nearing three o’clock in the afternoon. A soft, pitter-patter of rain could be heard against the rooftops, and there was the occasional loud boom and crackling of lighting and thunder in the distance. Levi had questioned Eren about the soccer ball next to his wardrobe, which then spiralled into a conversation about sports and hobbies.“We should play a game together, sometime.” Levi said, fingertips idly drawing shapes into Eren’s side.“Really? I don’t know how soccer would work with just the two of us, but if you want to, we can try.” Eren replied, gaze meeting Levi’s as a smile curled his lips.“Well, we can always ask Hanji and the others to join, too.”Eren hummed in response, snuggling in a little closer to Levi’s embrace. Hanji, Furlan, Isabel and Erwin were all so kind to Eren when they had met; Eren now considered them to be friends of his, too. It felt nice to have friends outside of school and church. They were people that were free; unlike his own friends. With them, with Levi, there was a weight lifted off of Eren’s shoulders.“Can I ask you a question, angel?” Levi said into the silence.“Of course.”“Have you managed to look in your father’s study, yet? I’m curious.”“Oh…” Eren diverted his gaze, biting his lip. Since Wednesday, Eren had been busy on both afternoons. Realistically he could have checked in the study that morning, but knowing his father, it would still be locked. As well, Eren had simply forgotten about it. He’d been too focused on the strange dream, his anger issues and Levi that he’d completely forgotten about Levi asking him to see inside the study.What would they even find? All they knew about the Ackermans was that they were allegedly dangerous, Rod and Eren’s father wanted to catch them and that they had some advantage over them. Would there be documents that had details of the family? Perhaps Eren’s father wrote about them in the daily diary that he kept? Eren had no idea what they were even meant to be looking for.Yet he wanted to look in the study. At Levi bringing his attention back to it, curiosity had begun to cloud Eren’s thoughts. It was growing inside him, poking at him like an eager toddler, whispering in Eren’s ear to go out of his room, stand in front of the study door, and twist the knob open.“Eren?”“S-Sorry, I haven’t. It’s… probably locked, anyway. My father never leaves it without locking it.” Eren replied, shoulders sinking. Levi clearly wanted to see the study, and Eren only wanted to make Levi happy. Why does my father have to lock the stupid door all the time anyway?“That’s okay, angel. Does your mother or sister own a hair pin, perhaps?” Levi said, hand resting over where Eren’s ones fidgeted in his lap. “I can use that, and we can get inside.”“Really?” Eren’s head lifted up, widened eyes meeting Levi’s. “H-How? It’s a hair-pin, not a key. Ah, and yes, yeah, they do have one…”“I’ll show you. Go grab the hair pin for me, and we’ll meet in the hallway.”Eren nodded in agreement. Both of them left his room, with Eren sneaking into Mikasa’s to grab a metal hair-pin off her bedside table. When he met Levi in the hallway, the other boy was leaning against the wall beside the locked study door. He raised an eyebrow at Eren, hand reaching out and gesturing Eren to give him the hair-pin.With an awe look, Eren watched as Levi flattened out the hair-pin till it was a singular, long metal strand. Then, as if it was something he had done a thousand times, Levi slit it into the little crack of the lock in the doorknob. There was the faint sounds of clinks and clanks as he twisted it around, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.A singular click; and then Levi twisted the door open to the study with ease.“Wow! Levi! That’s so cool, how did you learn to do that?” Eren gushed, a wide grin etching across his face as Levi shot him a smirk. It was a little strange that Levi knew how to unlock a door with something as mundane as a hair-pin, but Eren did not rest on the thought.“Oh, just something I picked up over the years. Here, want to go inside?”With an eager nod Eren followed behind Levi as they stepped inside the study. There was a twang of guilt in his heart at disobeying his father, and going behind his back, but Eren pushed it down. After all, they had lied to him his entire life. Why should Eren care about disobeying his father?The first thing that caught Eren’s attention was the large, squared window behind a wooden desk in the centre of the room. As storm clouds darkened the afternoon sky, the study itself was cloaked in shadows. On each side of the wooden desk were ceiling-length bookcases that rang along the entire length of the left and right-side wall. Both were packed full with books, documents and miscellaneous binder folders. There was a cushioned chair pushed into the dark-oaked desk, and on the desk itself was various half-burned candles, papers and ink pens.“Have you ever been in here, Eren?” Levi asked, reaching to grab Eren’s bandaged hand in his own. “Or has your father hidden this from you your entire life?”“I think I went in here when I was a kid,” Eren said, recalling a faded memory. “But my father yelled at me to leave, and so I’ve never seen it since.”Levi’s fingertips brushed over the papers on the desk, a crease forming between furrowed brows as Eren watched his eyes dance around the room. Eren and Levi were looking for anything about the Ackerman family, but with hundreds of documents and books in the small space, it could be anywhere.Eren had been looking over the names of the books and binders on the shelves when Levi had muttered ‘ah’. He twisted around, curiosity rushing through his veins and eagerly went to stand beside Levi at the desk. In Levi’s hands were aged, brown-cornered paper documents, pulled from one of the open drawers. There were paragraphs of cursive writing, and strange sums of numbers all over it.“What is it?” Eren asked, leaning his chin on Levi’s shoulder. “I can’t read the writing.”“Offerings of money. From your father to Rod Reiss. Did you know that your father has been sending quite… large sums of money to the town mayor?”Eren shook his head, wrapping his arms around Levi’s waist. “No. Does it say anything about why?”“Not really. These paragraphs are just talking about loans, payment due dates and such. Nothing that really states what they are for.”“Do you think it has something to do with the Ackerman family?”“Who knows?” Levi turned, kissing Eren’s forehead. “Ah, remember not to tell your father or mother about this, angel. Just our little secret, okay?”He smiled. “Of course! I’ll never tell them about this, or us. They’ll just keep us apart if I do.”After putting the documents back in the desk’s drawer, Levi faced Eren once again. A small smirk tugged on his lips as Levi’s hands moved to rest on Eren’s jawline. As Levi leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth Eren squeaked. Blood rushed to Eren’s cheeks as he hid his face in the crook of Levi’s neck, adoring the way Levi’s touch left tingles across his skin.“That’s exactly right, Eren. Good boy.”A few more minutes passed before Eren heard the front door swing open. Swiftly, Levi packed away any remaining opened-documents and pulled Eren out of the room by his arm before Eren could even speak, locking the door on their way out. On tip-toes they rushed across the hallway and into Eren’s room, with the door being shut softly behind them. Eren’s pulse ran high as his mother and father’s voices could be heard downstairs. The hairs on the back of his neck stood as he looked to Levi with wide eyes and trembling hands, a painful knot forming in the back of his tightening throat.If his mother and father saw Levi, they’ll never be able to see each other again.“Ah, Levi- they’re downstairs, I don’t know how to get you outside- maybe you can hide-”“Shh, shh, baby. Deep breaths,” Levi said, giving Eren a smile and gently squeezing his hands. “I can jump from the window. It’s not that far, I’ve jumped from further.”Flickers of worried thoughts, of seeing Levi fall, hurt himself terribly and cry out in pain crossed Eren’s mind. He frantically shook his head, a frown tugging down on his lips as he reached up to cup Levi’s face in his hands. In a whisper he said, “No! What if you get hurt? I don’t want you getting hurt!” “I won’t. Trust me, okay? Listen,” Levi paused as the sounds of thumping footsteps up the stairs could be heard, “I have to leave now. I’ll meet you in our usual place on Monday, okay?”“Yes, please- please don’t get hurt!”“I’ll be fine angel. You can watch and make sure I land but I really have to leave now.” Levi rushed out, pressing a swift kiss to Eren’s cheek. “I’ll see you then.”With seconds to spare Levi jumped on Eren’s bed, hastily throwing open the window. Outside rain dampened the streets, and thick grey clouds blocked the sun. Large, booming thunder rumbled in the clouds and there was a flash of crackling lighting that filled the sky behind Levi, bringing light to his features for only a second. He shot one last, gentle glance over at Eren. Then he jumped.Eren rushed over to the bed with shaking breaths, his heartbeat pulsing out of his chest.When his gaze connected with Levi on the ground, who was looking up at him with a smile, Eren breathed. The cool wind blew in the open rain, but Eren’s mind was only focused on Levi. Levi blew a kiss at Eren, a smile curling his lips as a final goodbye. Already the rain soaked Levi’s clothes and hair, but Eren still thought he looked beautiful. Levi winked at him, before turning and sprinting down the street and out of sight.A deep blush dusted Eren’s cheeks as he sighed happily, and fell back to rest on his bed. He kicked the window shut, closing himself off from the rain outside and stared at the ceiling with a dreamlike smile.The metal cross necklace felt cold against his skin under Levi’s black sweater. Eren’s heartbeat began to return to a steady pace, but his blush continued to deepen as he remembered the events earlier in the day, when a blissful heat had over-took both of them, and they had cuddled under the very red quilt that Eren currently laid on.
Levi is so amazing. I miss him already… I want us to cuddle again... I want him to touch me like that again...
When his mother swung open Eren’s bedroom door, and saw him staring at the ceiling with a dazed smile and soaked hair she had yelled at him.Yet, for the first time, even her anger did not dull Eren’s mood.For the rest of the stormy afternoon, Eren’s mind was only focused on Levi.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was Monday afternoon. The autumn sun sat low in the sky and Eren strolled side by side in silence with Armin. Mikasa was not with them today, as she would be walking in the other direction towards Annie’s house. Since Friday, when Eren had cursed at Mikasa, she had not said a single word to him.At home and at school she avoided Eren like he was sick with an infectious disease. Not once did Eren catch her looking at him, and whenever he wandered a little too close to her she stormed away without hesitation. More than heartless, it was frustrating, and left Eren with a bitter feeling. Never has Mikasa ignored him for more than a day, even when they had screaming matches fuelled by their parent’s little competition between them. Usually one of them would end up apologising, they’d hug a little and then everything will be fine.But it was not fine.He had waited all weekend for her to apologise to him. Yet she said nothing, and it grew a petty anger in Eren. She’s so childish. All I said was the word fucking, it’s not like I told her she’s awful.
Maybe if I told her about all the lies that our parents and everyone has been telling us, she can be free then too, and Armin as well. I’ll help them be free, like Levi is helping me.
“Hey, Eren?” Armin said, interrupting Eren’s thoughts. “Do you want to go to my house this afternoon? You can ask your parents before, but do you want to meet there at around four thirty?”A sigh left Eren’s lips as he idly kicked a pebble across the ground, shoving his hands in his pockets. It would be nice to see Armin this afternoon, for maybe then Eren could ask him how to make Mikasa stop avoiding him. But it was Monday, and Levi would be expecting to see Eren at four o’clock. Since Saturday Eren had been filled with anticipation for this afternoon. Saturday… was amazing. He cuddled with Levi, they did things that Eren had never done before, and they even broke into his father’s study – something Eren thought he’d never would be able to see.Armin was his best friend. Usually, if it was anything else, Eren would have ignored it in order to hang out with Armin. But Levi was his best friend now too, and Eren had already planned to see Levi today.“I’m sorry,” Eren paused, giving Armin a weak smile. “But… I’m busy this afternoon.”“Going to the library again?”“Yeah.” Eren shrugged his shoulders, idly staring at their surroundings. People passed by on their way home from work, and some small children kicked a soccer ball down the street. A faint smell of baked bread from one of the houses reminded Eren of home, and the children reminded him of Armin and Mikasa. It hurt, to know that others around him would never understand. It was only Levi that did, and Eren hoped that one day Armin and Mikasa would be able to break free from the lies that others have told them. He wanted them to be free as well. He wanted everyone to be free.“We don’t have another exam for a while. I’m sure you’ll be fine to spend the afternoon at my house. If you have questions about school, I could maybe help?” Armin continued, playfully nudging Eren’s shoulder. They rounded a corner. On this street stood the bakery that Levi had taken Eren to a few days ago, and when it caught Eren’s attention a light blush dusted his cheeks at the memory.There was still a faint bruise of the hickey that Levi had given Eren on his collarbone. Luckily, as it was reaching winter, the sweaters and coats that Eren wore covered it and nobody else saw it but Eren. It made his heart flutter; it was a little secret between him and Levi.“Eren?”“Ah, yeah, uh,” Eren stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck as he let out a small laugh. His hands were no longer bandaged, meaning it no longer felt rough when he rubbed his neck. He sucked in a deep breath, forcing a smile. “I know, I just… had something planned, that’s all.”“Well can’t you just do it later? I’ve missed you, Eren,” Armin’s lips tugged down in a frown. “You’ve been acting weird lately. And… what happened on Friday, it made me really worried. I don’t want you thinking that Mikasa and I have abandoned you or anything like that.”“I’m not acting weird,” Eren said, rolling his eyes. In an attempt to reassure Armin, Eren playfully nudged his shoulder, cocking his head to the side with a grin. “I’m fine! Really. And… on Friday, I was just a bit… stressed, that’s all! I didn’t mean to make you worried, Armin. You’re my best friend. But seriously, I really do have to do something this afternoon.”“And that can’t wait until tomorrow?”Eren shook his head.Armin sighed, “You are acting weird, Eren, even if you say you’re not. You’re oddly distant in school, you keep going to the library – I get it, you want to make your parents happy, but we don’t even have that many exams. You cursed at Mikasa, for Heaven’s sake, and… you haven’t even apologised yet!”Roughly Eren kicked a lose pebble along the road, his fists curling by his side. A small silence fell over them with Armin standing a little further away from Eren, a frown etched into his expression.“Listen,” Eren stopped, turning to Armin with furrowed brows and tightly pressed lips. He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, a hand resting on his hip. “Why should I apologise to her? She is the one who wouldn’t back off and let me do what I wanted. She always treats me like I am unable to make my own choices, Armin, and you know that I grow tired of it. And what’s the problem with me going to the library? Aren’t you happy that I’m trying harder?”“Why should you? Eren, you cursed at her and yelled at her all because she was worried about you! She’s just looking out for you! And, yeah, of course I’m happy about you trying harder but it seems like you’re…” Armin sucked in a deep breath, shutting his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he grabbed Eren by his shoulders, locking their gazes together. He continued, this time speaking in a softer tone, “It seems like you’re hiding something.”
Fuck.
Eren’s stomach twisted. He shook his head frantically at Armin, gulping down the lump that formed in his tightening throat. A small chuckle left his lips as Eren shoved Armin’s hands off his shoulders, ignoring the other boy’s frown, and biting his lip as he glared at the ground beneath him.“You know you can always tell me anything, Eren. Is something wrong?” Armin continued.
I can’t tell you about Levi. You would never understand us. If people found out, they’ll keep us apart, they’ll tell me lies again, Armin. They’ll control me again.
There was a chime of the clock tower’s bells in the distance. It was fifteen minutes to four o’clock. Their conversation had slowed their walking, meaning now Eren would not be able to go home before he left to see Levi. Not that he particularly wanted to go home at the moment, anyway. Not when Mikasa still was being childish and ignoring him for something that was her fault.“I’m not hiding anything, Armin, and I’m not grateful that Mikasa treats me like I’m some little breakable doll, either. Anyway, I have to go now, so why don’t you walk the rest of the way home by yourself and stop worrying about me for no damn reason,” Eren spat out, narrowing his cold eyes at Armin. White-knuckled fists shook at his sides as a starving anger boiled up inside him.“I- My gosh, Eren, calm down! I’m not trying to angry you, just-”“Just what, Armin? You think I’m some stupid little boy, too, huh? Well I’m not!”“No, of course you’re not stupid or a little boy, Eren, but- but we all know that you do seem to trust others so quick and you’re terrible at reading people, so it’s reasonable that Mikasa gets worried sometimes, especially when you’ve been sneaking off to the library and acting so distant!”Eren took a step closer, sneering down at Armin. He roughly poked Armin’s chest, sending the other boy flinching as he stepped back towards the wall of a stranger’s house behind him. “And what are you trying to say, huh? You think I’m lying about going to the library?”“I- I don’t know, Eren! Please can you just calm down?”“Stop telling me to calm down!” Eren’s voice rose to a yell, and a sick satisfaction rushed through him at seeing Armin cower away from him at the sudden noise. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw the passer-by’s in the street give quick glances, faces full of concern and shock, but it did not bother Eren.He was sick of others trying to control him. Armin was his best friend, and there will be a day when Eren can tell Armin about all the lies and set him free; but for now he had to make sure Armin didn’t control him, too. Right now, Levi was the only person who understood Eren.Taking a step back, Eren continued: “You know what? I hate it when you and Mikasa try to… try to control me. I’m leaving, like I said I would. Go home by yourself.”“Eren,” Armin’s eyes glassed over with tears, his voice cracking, “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you so angry. I just miss you. That’s all. I just wanted to hang out with you…”“Whatever,” Eren tried to ignore the way his throat tightened and heart sunk at seeing the first tears roll down Armin’s cheeks. He had to go see Levi. One day, Armin will understand.Yet, he was still Eren’s best friend. It still hurt to see him upset.A sigh left Eren’s lips as he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Armin’s shoulders and pulling him into a hug. “Please don’t cry, Armin. I just… I just have to do something important. We can hang out tomorrow, okay? And play card games, and you can tell me all about your little crush on Sasha.”The latter comment pulled a small laugh from Armin as he pulled back from the hug, cheeks a pale pink, a shy smile curling his lips. “I-I don’t have a crush on Sasha!”“Sure you don’t,” Eren winked, letting his arms fall to his side. He continued, shifting his gaze to the ground as his voice fell to a whisper. “I… I’m sorry for yelling, or making you worry.”“It’s fine,” Armin said, sniffling and wiping his tears with the back of his hand. “See, it’s not that hard to say sorry, right? Now go… do whatever you have to do, and when you get home, promise me you’ll apologise to Mikasa too.”With that Eren’s gaze met Armin’s again, and he shook his head as a bitter feeling wrapped around him. “No. She can apologise for treating me like I’m stupid.”“Eren, she’s just worried. Please can you two sort out this little argument? At least for me? I hated seeing my two best friends not even look at each other today. I want it to go back to normal.”“Fine,” Eren bit back a bitter, but only if she apologises, too, and gave Armin a smile. “See you later.”Without waiting for Armin to reply, Eren left. At a quick pace he skipped down the street towards the town square, and within moments he was gone and out of Armin’s sight. Eren’s head laid on Levi’s chest, his hand pressed against the beating of his heart. They were at the southern end of the river, lying in the white sand of the riverbank and secluded away from the crowd by the stone barrier above them. The river was still, with the warm rays of the afternoon sun painted across the top of the water.Levi’s hand was on Eren’s lower back, his other behind his head. In the silence, Levi leaned down and pressed a small kiss to the top of Eren’s forehead. “You’re quiet again. What’s wrong, angel?”“I had a little fight with Armin earlier, that’s all.” Eren mumbled, eyes fluttering close at the sensation of Levi’s fingers running through his hair. “But we sorted it out, so it’s okay.”“What was your fight about?”“He… he thinks I’m acting weird. Said he thinks I’m hiding something from him.”Levi’s hands stopped. There was a slight pause before he said, “And? What did you say?”“Nothing. I said nothing about us, if that’s what you’re worried about.”“Good boy,” Levi said, and a blood rushed to Eren’s skin as he felt the other’s soft lips against his cheek. “They can never know about us. They won’t understand us.”Eren nodded, yet his heart sunk. I want them to understand us, Levi. I want them to be free, too. I hate knowing that they still believe in the lies that we’ve been told since childhood. As the cool breeze picked up Eren snuggled a little closer to Levi, arm sneaking around his waist as their bodies pressed firm against one another. It reminded him of Saturday, when they cuddled in comfortable silence whilst Levi drunk lavender tea. It reminded Eren of the way that Levi then touched him, made him feel good, and how they moved against one another in a way unknown to Eren before.Faint warmth began to coil in his stomach. Since Saturday, Eren had begun to crave the feeling of pure bliss that he had experienced with Levi. The desire for Levi to touch him like that again grew with each passing day, and Eren hoped that he would not have to wait too long for it to happen again.“You’re blushing.”“It’s your fault,” Eren said, licking his lips as his clouded gaze moved to Levi; his ocean blue eyes with their flickers of ice grey that stared at him, the faint freckles that dusted his nose and his youthful, soft skin with his pretty, pink lips were enough to deepen Eren’s blush. “You’re really beautiful.”“And you’re such a pretty boy.”
I still can’t believe you, the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, think I’m pretty…
Eren’s heart fluttered in his chest as a small, shy smile tugged on the corners of his mouth. Every few seconds his attention would differ from Levi’s warm eyes to the smirk on his lips. His lips, so soft and pink and plump, that felt so gentle and tender against Eren’s skin; I want to feel them on my own.Memories of the day at the bakery crossed Eren’s mind. Levi had said he felt the same warmth, the same tingles, the same loss of breath whenever they became too close. On that day Eren had told Levi about his strange dream, and the kiss that they shared in it. Levi had then told him it was okay for boys to kiss other boys, and then gave him a hickey on Eren’s skin. Does that mean Levi wanted to kiss Eren?
Do I want to kiss Levi? I like being around him, and he is the most beautiful and perfect person I’ve ever met. That means I want to kiss him, right? But how do you kiss someone?
“Eren?”“Levi…” Eren breathed out, propping himself up on his elbows as he leaned over Levi’s chest. It suddenly felt difficult to breathe, as if his tight throat stopped any air. There was a loud, quickening thump of his heartbeat in his chest and the blush on Eren’s cheeks spread to his ears. Gosh. Levi, you’re so… so pretty.Levi cocked an eyebrow as a smirk etched itself on his face, causing Eren’s heart to skip a beat. “Do you want to sneak out this evening again? There’s a lovely little park up on one of the hills on the southern side, and you can look out at the city. I want to take you there, is that okay?”Eren licked his lips, nodding along to Levi’s words, a flutter in his chest at the thought of sneaking out and being alone with Levi once more. If it was anything like last Monday, when Eren had alcohol and Levi gave him his sweater, the tiredness he would feel next morning would be worth it.
Anything for Levi would be worth it. I like him so much.
“You know, Eren, you’re so lovely to me,” Levi wrapped his arms around Eren’s neck. “You’re always wanting to make me happy, don’t you?”“Yeah, Levi… I like seeing you smile,” Eren said, pushing his head into the crook of Levi’s neck to hide the creeping blush across his cheeks. Mumbling, he continued: “I’d do anything…”“Really?”“Mhm… You’re my best friend, remember?” Eren’s head rolled to rest on Levi’s shoulder as he gazed up through his lashes at Levi. The other boy’s pretty lips were curled into a soft, small smile, and Eren sighed at the feeling of Levi’s hand reaching to rest on his cheek. He leaned into the touch, heartbeat calming at the comforting sensation.Around them were the simple sounds of gentle waves crashing against the riverbank, the muffled conversations of strangers on the boardwalk behind them, and the occasional call of birds in the sky above.It was peaceful. With Levi, Eren felt at ease.“How’s your hands? They’re not bandaged anymore. Did they heal well, baby?” Levi’s voice dropped to a whisper. One of his arms snaked around Eren’s waist and pulled them closer, the other still resting gently on his cheek. At his words Eren turned his palms to the sky, and held them up for Levi to see and to take into his own. Levi’s fingertips brushed lightly over the reddened, thin lines on Eren’s skin.“Yeah. They don’t hurt that much anymore, unless I press on the scars.”“I still hate your bastard of a teacher for making you cry,” Levi said. Leaning down, he pressed a soft kiss to the healed wounds on Eren’s hands.“I can’t do anything about it now.”“That’s not true,” Levi replied, eyes flickering to meet Eren’s dazed ones. “I can make sure he’ll never hurt you again. You’ll never have to worry about him. You’ll be safe.” A shiver travelled down Eren’s spine, his heart skipping a beat in his chest. With furrowed brows Eren shook his head slightly, gaze still fixated on Levi, and he asked: “How?”“I have my ways, angel. All you have to do… is tell me,” Levi said. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the corner of Eren’s mouth. It earned him a small gasp and Levi chuckled at Eren’s reaction, arms pulling him more firmly onto his lap. Instinctively Eren’s hands moved to grip Levi’s shoulders, toes curling in the sand beneath them. The position reminded him of Saturday afternoon, and it left his cheeks burning with blush and breaths quick and shaken.
What if people lean over the barrier and see us?
Levi lips lowered, pressing gentle kisses on Eren’s jawline. When they reached his neck Levi pressed a little harder, and when they reached Eren’s collarbone he started to suck and nip on the fading hickey. It caused a warmth to travel straight to the pit of Eren’s stomach as he sighed.
Ah, it’ll be fine… nobody will see… this feels so nice…
“Do you want me to, Eren? He won’t hurt you anymore,” Levi purred, kissing back up Eren’s neck and pulling back to lock their gazes together once more. “You won’t ever have to see him again.”“I’ll… never see him again?”“That’s right, baby. Won’t it be easier for you to do well in school if that bastard is no longer there?” Levi cocked his head to the side, lips tugged up into a smirk. His hand moved to rest on Eren’s cheek once more, thumb brushing against the blushed skin lightly.Eren wasn’t sure that not seeing Mr Pyxis anymore would improve his grades – his teacher was not the reason Eren always seemed to drift off into daydreams – but if Levi said it will be easier for him, then surely that must be true. Levi knew more than Eren did.“I-I think…” Eren said, words barely audible. When Levi smirked at him; so wicked and beautiful, it was enough to leave Eren breathless and lips parted in awe. Levi’s other hand sat barely above the curve in Eren’s lower back. He pushed Eren a little bit forward so he was sitting directly over Levi’s crotch. Now the position was identical to those few moments on Saturday; Eren let out a squeak at the feeling, his hand flying up to cover his mouth.“You don’t want him there, anyway,” Levi said.“I don’t- don’t hate him.”“Yes, you do.”Eren wanted to shake his head, tell Levi that Mr Pyxis – although sometimes mean, and sometimes scary – was not somebody Eren hated, and he was good at teaching. There were moments where he told the class jokes, made funny faces and told fascinating stories about his travels outside of Shiganshina. But flickers of Levi’s words crossed his mind; Levi would never lie to me, Levi understood me. If he said I hated Mr Pyxis, then surely it is true? He was the only person who understood me.Now that Eren thought about it, maybe it was true. Mr Pyxis yelled at him, and made Eren’s hands bleed. When he was twelve years old, and the doctor first said that Eren had emotional issues that could explain his bursts of anger and lack of concentration, nobody believed it, and that included Mr Pyxis. On the day that he gave Eren detention, he had asked Eren if he had written any notes from the Legal Studies lesson. Eren did, he wrote half a page, yet Mr Pyxis had said it wasn’t enough.
Levi is right. Levi is always right.
A bitterness coiled around Eren. “Y-Yeah, I do, I… hate him.”“That’s right, baby. You do. Now, wouldn’t it be so much easier if he was gone?” Levi said, pressing a tender kiss to Eren’s cheek. “I can make him simply disappear. Wouldn’t that be nice?”“Mhm…” Eren’s eyes fluttered closed as he leaned into Levi’s embrace, “Yeah… it’ll be so nice…”“Tell me. Tell me you want him gone.”“I…” Eren’s eyes opened to meet Levi’s. They were narrowed, unmoving and clouded with an unknown emotion. His touch was still tender on Eren’s skin, a warm smile curling on lips. Everything made sense, now. It was so odd to think that Eren even doubted a word that Levi said. “I want him gone, Levi.”“Good boy. He’ll never hurt you again, baby, I’ll make sure of it,” Levi said. Gently his hands moved to wrap around Eren’s neck. Eren breathed deeply, the flush across his cheeks deepening at Levi’s words. A smile etched itself across his face, matching Levi’s.In that moment the civilians on the boardwalk behind them did not matter. The setting sun, and the distant chime of the clock tower’s bells did not matter. Eren paid no attention to none of it, focusing solely on Levi’s pretty eyes, soft smile and pink lips.Every word that Levi said was always right. Eren hated Mr Pyxis, and he wanted him gone. That evening Eren and Mikasa washed up the dinner plates in silence. It didn’t bother him anymore; Eren was too giddy with eagerness at the thought that in a few hours, he will be sneaking out and meeting with Levi once more. Before he left to go home, Eren made sure to ask Levi to bring more of the tequila that they drank last Monday. It left him feeling happy and buzzed, and it would be a nice way to distract him from the fact that his sister still ignored him.Armin had asked Eren to apologise to Mikasa, and truth to be told that Eren had planned to. Until he arrived home, and Mikasa sat on the other side of the table at dinner except next to him as she always did. Then she refused to look at him, and now that they stood in silence in front of the kitchen sink, Eren decided that it was useless to even try.Their mother and father were upstairs, leaving Eren and Mikasa alone. It was a perfect opportunity to apologise for his actions without his parents accidentally finding out, yet Eren stayed tight lipped.He dried another plate, listening to the way the dishes clashed and scraped against each other each time Mikasa harshly shoved them in his direction. Frustration built itself inside him.“Can you stop being so rough with the plates? You’ll crack them.” Eren spat out, sending a narrowed glare in Mikasa’s direction. It did not falter her movements. She stayed focused at the blank wall in front of her, idly washing the cup in her hands with the soapy rag.“Are you going to stop being stubborn and apologise to me, Eren?”
Okay, I didn’t expect that.
Eren looked up again, meeting Mikasa’s blank stare. Her movements stopped, and she leaned against the bench. She cocked an eyebrow at Eren, waiting for his answer. The frustration inside of him cooled and left him staring back, jaw slack at his sister’s break in her silence. It was the first time in almost three days that she had said a single word to Eren.The shock at her words didn’t last long, as Eren went over them in his head once more.“S-Stubborn?” He stuttered out, throwing the drying rag onto the bench. “I’m not being stubborn! You are the one who hasn’t said a single word to me all weekend!”“No thank you for not telling mother and father about how you cursed at me?”With a frustrated sigh, Eren rolled her eyes. Mikasa put her hand on her hip, the other tapping the bench. She continued, “Well? Or do you want me to go upstairs right now and tell them-”“No!” Eren said, voice a little too loud. Both of their eyes snapped to the dining room doorway. A silence fell over the siblings as they listened for any footsteps or sudden voices, but there was nothing. Eren breathed out, clenching and unclenching his fists by his side, shifting his weight from foot to foot.Armin wanted them to apologise, and it would be a lie for Eren to say that he didn’t feel a little bit lonely and bitter at Mikasa ignoring him. If he apologised and fixed things now, then that night when he goes to see Levi, he won’t have to worry about it.“Fine. I… I’m sorry for cursing at you, Mikasa. I was just frustrated,” Eren muttered, avoiding her gaze.Mikasa paused, before stepping over and wrapping her arms around Eren’s shoulders and pulling him into a hug with a sigh. As if the past few days had not happened at all, Eren followed, putting his head on her shoulder and joining the embrace. In his ear she said: “I know. You were upset, and you were jealous, I get it. I should have backed off, so I’m sorry, too.”“I wasn’t jealous.”She chuckled. “You were, it’s okay. Annie’s really nice, I’m sure if you just talked to her… then you both can be friends too.” Mikasa pulled back, resting her hands on Eren’s shoulders. A frown slightly tugged on her lips. “But… Eren. You know we shouldn’t be saying curse words. Remember when Jean had detention for three days for saying it? They’re bad words.”Eren shook his head, Levi words coming to the front of his mind. So many things that Eren had once believed were wrong were all lies told to him; they were said to control him, to stop Eren from being free. It was not fair that Mikasa still believed in lies. He wanted her to be free too. “It’s just words.”“Eren. We can’t say them.”“Why not?”“Because they’re bad! Do you really think it’s okay to… to say…”“Fuck? To say fuck?” Eren said, snickering at the shock that weaved itself into Mikasa’s face, “Yeah, it is. It really is not that big of a deal. It’s just a lie they’ve told us!”“Look, Eren,” She paused, a sigh leaving her lips as she shook her head. Mikasa turned back towards the sink, resting her hands on the edge of the bench, face hidden from Eren. There was a hint of concern in her voice when she continued, “I don’t… know why you suddenly think it’s okay, but it’s not, and I’m not going to agree simply because you say it is. Please … don’t say those things anymore.”At her words Eren’s heart sunk. A sick feeling twisted in his stomach as his face tugged down into a frown, his shoulders falling by his sides. In silence he watched as Mikasa picked up a plate and continued to wash the dishes. It didn’t make sense why Mikasa was not listening to him, or believing what he had said. Levi had told Eren that words like fuck were simply that; words, and that those words being bad and rude to say was simply a lie. So why does Mikasa not believe Eren?“What’s the point then?” Eren spat out in the quiet, fingers curling into fists by his side once more. “If- if you won’t listen to me then why don’t you tell mother and father about what I said!”
I just want you to be free, Mikasa. I want you to understand.
That caught Mikasa’s attention. Her gaze returned to Eren’s, a crease forming between her eyebrows. “Seriously, Eren- you’re so confusing! I… I didn’t tell them because I knew they would simply yell at you and not bother to figure out why you think saying such unholy things are okay!”“It’s not unholy! Listen to me, Mikasa, our parents have been lying to us-”“No they haven’t! Who’s told you that, Eren?” Mikasa said, putting down the soaped-up plate on the counter. She took a step towards a flushed Eren, softly resting her hand on his shoulder. “Did… you meet someone? At the library, maybe? Have they been telling you these things?”
No… you can’t find out about Levi. You’ll keep us apart.
Frantically Eren shook his head, a breathy chuckle escaping his lips. Both Armin and Mikasa have told him today that they think Eren is hiding something, or met someone knew; it left his heart pulsing fast in his chest, a nervous sweat breaking out across his skin. Levi had told him that if anyone was to find out about their friendship, they will never be able to see each other again. Whilst Eren wanted Mikasa and Armin to both be free, he had to make sure they’ll never know about Levi.“N-Nobody has told me that,” Eren gulped down the lump in the back of his tightened throat, avoiding Mikasa’s gaze. Her hand on his shoulder felt like it burned; an increasingly heavy weight that left his stomach twisting. Each word felt bitter and sharp on his tongue. He continued, “I haven’t met anyone.”“You’ve always been a terrible liar,” Mikasa’s voice dropped to a whisper. In the sudden quiet, the sounds of their parents muffled voices upstairs could be heard. Mikasa’s hand squeezed Eren’s shoulder lightly, her lips pressed into a thin line as her eyes danced over Eren’s features. “Whoever it is, Eren, they’re lying to you.”“No he fucking isn’t!” Eren snapped, almost growling at his sister as he slapped her hand away from his shoulder. A sudden fury boiled up within him, cloaking him in anger. Mikasa flinched at the sudden low growl, stepping back with widened eyes. Yet Eren paid little attention to it. The anger inside him was like a fire; the steam from it clouded his thoughts and left him snarling at Mikasa. All the muscles in his body were suddenly tense. Fingernails dug into the skin of his fists. Eren saw red.It had barely crossed his mind that he’d indirectly told Mikasa that Eren had indeed met someone.
How dare she say Levi is lying to me! Levi would never lie to me! He understands me!
“Please, just listen to me,” Mikasa said in a pleading tone but Eren shook his head, turning his back on her. “Eren, whoever he is… is he the reason you’ve been acting so weird lately?”“I told you!” Eren tried to backtrack, “I haven’t met anyone!”“But you just said-”“Children!” It was their mother’s voice. Her footsteps could be heard down the hallway. The harsh reply towards Mikasa stayed stuck on Eren’s tongue as his breath hitched itself in the back of his throat.Both the siblings returned back to washing and drying the dishes as if nothing had happened; heads were down, rigid expressions were etched across their faces. Eren’s heart beat pulsed against his chest. When his mother walked into the kitchen with their father following close behind, Eren gulped down any bitter fury and shoved the angered thoughts to the back of his mind.“Yes, mother?” Mikasa said beside him. “What is it?”
I hope they didn’t hear. Please tell me that they did not hear. If they find out about Levi, I’ll never see him again, and if Mikasa tells them about me cursing, they’ll hurt me.
Anxiety rushed throughout Eren’s veins. His hands trembled as he awaited his mother’s answer.“We just came down to say goodnight, that’s all.” She paused, gaze flickering over Eren and Mikasa’s stiffened stances before chuckling softly. “Why do you both look so stressed?”
Mikasa, please don’t say anything.
“Oh, nothing mother. It was simply a long day at school.”A sigh of relief escaped Eren’s lips. His mother and father accepted Mikasa’s words and bid them both goodnight, before they left to go back upstairs to the bedroom. Once again, a silence fell over the siblings. Together they finished washing and drying the dishes without another word spoken between them. With their parents back upstairs, the spiting anger returned to Eren.Why would Levi lie to Eren? He was so kind, gentle, and loving. Levi made Eren feel so many things that were unknown to him before, and taught Eren so much about the world. Alcohol, kisses, cursing, touching himself… all these things that his parents had lied to him about. Levi had promised to help Eren be free. All Eren had to do was listen to Levi.
I want you to be free, Mikasa. Why can’t you listen to me? Why do you have to think Levi is lying to me? You don’t know him like I do, Mikasa. You don’t know how lovely he is. Please, understand.
As soon as Eren finished drying the last plate, he turned on his heels and stormed out of the kitchen without waiting for Mikasa to speak. Whatever she wanted to say was not important to him. Right now, Eren simply wanted to be gone out of her sight. If he stayed by her side any longer, the bitterness that coiled around him would become overwhelming and it would cause them to have a proper fight.Today he had tried to make people around him understand. At least Armin did not pressure Eren too much about his frequent library visits. However Eren knew he had to be more careful around Armin (and Mikasa) now, to make sure that they would never find out about Levi. It was clear now that, at least, Mikasa would never understand. Eren tried to make Mikasa aware of the lies that their parents have told them. Yet she still did not believe Eren. She even tried to tell Eren that Levi lied to him. When she had dared to say those words, Eren's knuckles had turned bone white, and if it was not for his mother and father coming down stairs, Eren may have lost control. Now that he had calmed down the thought had left him with an anxious, fast-beating heart; until Eren remembered what Levi had said to him before. Anger was a human emotion, and there was always a reason for him to be angry.Mikasa had said Levi, the beautiful, kind, amazing Levi would lie to Eren. Surely, that was an understandable reason. She did not even know who Levi was, she simply concluded that Levi must be lying. She doesn't want to accept that our parents are the real liars, and that they're stopping us from being free.
She's letting herself be controlled. I won't do that. I won't let them control me.
As long as Eren is careful and nobody finds out about Levi, then soon enough Eren will be finally free. All he had to do was listen to Levi. Later that night, when everyone else in the Jaeger household was deep in sleep, Eren waited in his room for Levi. At seeing the familiar figure walk up to his front door a large grin crept across his face. In a rush Eren pulled Levi’s black sweater over his head and skipped down the stairs.In the darkness, Eren did not hesitate to slip through the front door this time. He let Levi lace their hands together and pull him out into the street, a soft giggle leaving his lips at the warm touch. Any worries about Armin or Mikasa melted away the moment his eyes landed on Levi.Together they walked down the abandoned street, leaving Eren’s family behind.For hours that night Eren would be gone.Nobody else but Levi would know.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Eren and Levi had been strolling through the dark, empty streets of southern Shiganshina for nearly twenty minutes now. Unlike last Monday, there was no full moon to light their path. It made Eren’s heart beat a little faster in his chest, and each time a nocturnal creature would scatter across the cobbled path in front of him a squeal would leave his throat. However, it also meant that Levi pulled him a little closer, and the familiar, comforting scent of vanilla immersed him in a sense of safety.Starlight dimly lit their surroundings, but it was enough for Eren to see. Together they walked in a comfortable silence, ascending onto a hill full of thick forest trees and a few isolated homes. At the top of the hill the trees gave way to a clear meadow full of wilted wildflowers. At the edge stood a tall cliff-face with a brick barrier, and wooden picnic benches and chairs sat close to the edge. It was the perfect look-out to the sleeping city below. Up on the open meadow of the hill, the night wind was harsh against Eren’s face, bringing a cold blush to his cheeks.The long stems of the flowers tickled his exposed lower legs as Eren let Levi pull him through the meadow. A wide grin etched across Eren’s face and they sat on one of the wooden picnic benches, bodies sat so close together that they were touching. Levi was quick to pull out various food items – mandarins (to Eren’s delight,) chocolate cupcakes, and blackberries – as well as mango juice and a circular, thin glass bottle with a red cap. It was different to the tequila bottle Eren had seen before.“What’s that?” Eren said, pointing to where it sat upright on the table in front of him. A pout formed on his bottom lip as he looked up to Levi’s gaze. “I don’t think that’s tequila. I wanted tequila.”Levi chuckled at him, unscrewing the lid and taking a sip straight from the bottle. He then offered it to Eren with a wicked smirk. “It’s vodka, baby. I thought we’d try something different today.”“Vodka? Does it taste like tequila?”“Well, no.” Levi paused, his hand reaching up to pat Eren’s cheek. “But you’re a light-weight, and very new to drinking. All alcohol will taste the same to you.”“Will it make me feel like the other stuff did?” Eren asked, grasping the bottle in his hands.Levi hummed in response, gently nudging the bottle a little closer to Eren. Unlike last time, Eren did not hesitate in bringing the bottle to his lips and gulping down the burning, bitter liquid. He scrunched up his face, forcing himself to take another sip, wanting to feel the sweet warmth in his throat and stomach and the weird, happy effect that alcohol seemingly gave him.Once he’d taken three large gulps Eren slammed it a little bit too hard on the table, choking at the heated, burning sensation in the back of his throat and the odd taste in his mouth. Levi’s hands rubbed his back as he coughed into the silence, and a few seconds later Levi nudged the glass bottle of mango juice towards him.“Drink this, angel. It’ll help wash down the taste.”Eren did exactly what he was told, and as soon as the bitter taste was gone from his mouth he reached for the bottle of vodka and took another large sip. There was Levi laughing to his side and Eren smiled, gulping down the remaining alcohol in his mouth as he looked at Levi with a blush.Whenever Levi laughed, his cheeks would push up and crinkle the corner of his eyes. Happiness looked so lovely on him, and his laugh – deep, a little bit loud, and like velvet – was a sound that Eren wished he could hear on repeat.A few minutes passed. The warmth of the vodka had settled into Eren’s stomach now, and it had already begun to blur his thoughts. Eren and Levi talked about the view of the city below, and Eren gulfed down a mandarin and more mango juice whilst Levi took more sips of the vodka. His face didn’t scrunch up when he drunk, and unlike Eren, Levi was not in a rush to slide the liquid down his throat. It was a little weird to Eren. He wondered when he would be able to enjoy alcohol like Levi did.The city below was dark, though there were few patches of lantern street lights that lined the streets. It made the city appear to be intertwining streaks of light. With the lack of trees there was a cool breeze, and it was only an excuse for Eren to cuddle a little bit closer to Levi’s embrace. Combined with the dark, clear sky above, where Eren could see every individual star and the faint colours of blues and purples against the black, everything seemed to be like a dream.He never imagined he could be here, away from the stress of his family and friends, and be with someone so amazing and beautiful as Levi. There was no judgement or fear of being wrong; Eren simply existed with Levi by his side in this moment, and that was enough for him.Eren’s focus shifted to the faint blue wildflowers on the ground around them. In the dark, it was difficult to tell the difference between their stems and the grass, and Eren giggled loudly at the thought that they looked like floating blue orbs.“The flowers! So cute, they- they float, Levi!” Eren said with a hiccup, turning to Levi with a grin. His blush deepened as Levi pressed a kiss to his cheek with in reply, and Eren pushed his head into Levi’s chest as he bit his lip to hide the shy smile. I want him to kiss me. Can he kiss me already? “Aren’t you so adorable?” Levi cooed. With a swift movement Eren was pulled onto Levi’s lap, his back pressed against the table, legs instinctively moving to sit on either side of Levi’s hips as his arms snaked around Levi’s neck. A loud squeak fell from his lips followed by a drunken giggle. Eren’s hands made their way to cup Levi’s face, lips parted in awe at Levi’s beauty.“Did you miss me this evening?” Levi said, leaning into Eren’s touch. “Because I missed you.”“I missed you so much! Levi, I want- want you to cuddle me! All the time! I want to see you every day! Please, please, I like you…” Eren childishly whined, hands moving down to wrap around Levi’s waist as he leaned his head on Levi’s shoulder. A pout curled his bottom lip, his heart fluttering at the sound of Levi’s chuckle and the sensation of fingers running through his wavy locks.“Aw, baby, one day we’ll be able to see each other all the time, I promise.”“Yay!” Eren giggled again, nuzzling his face into the crook of Levi’s neck. “I’ll be so happy then!”“Do I make you happy?”“Mhm! You do, Levi,” Eren said, turning his head to gaze up at Levi. His next words were soft, spoken in a voice so quiet, so vulnerable, as if he was telling Levi his darkest secrets. “I feel… safe with you. Like- Like I’m never going to be judged. You make me feel all warm inside… and- and you understand me. You’re like nobody else… nobody else I have ever known.”A very faint pink dusted the other boy’s cheeks. Fondness curled in Eren’s chest at the sight of it – is Levi blushing? Is it because of me? – as he caressed Levi’s face tenderly. The alcohol had made its way through Eren’s body now, warming his skin, leaving his head dazed.“Fuck,” Levi muttered out, eyes a little wide, mouth a little open. “I- I- Shit, yeah, ha, you make me happy too, Eren. So fucking happy. You’re so fucking cute.”“You curse so much,” Eren said, cheeks flushed from Levi’s compliment and he giggled at the way Levi’s pretty lips tugged up into a smile. When Levi pressed another quick kiss to the corner of Eren’s mouth he childishly pouted. There was a desperate ache in Eren’s chest. He was tired of Levi only kissing his cheek, or the very corners of his mouth. Eren wanted more.“Levi,” Eren whined, dragging out his name. Leaning forward he pressed their foreheads together, heart leaping at the gasp it earned him from Levi. It was enough for Eren to continue going, a smirk tugging across his face as he licked his lips. “Why- why won’t you kiss me already?”“Do you want me to kiss you?” Levi was quick to reply, matching Eren’s smirk and cocking his eyebrow playfully. It left Eren’s breath hitched in the back of his throat, the ache in his chest growing and engulfing him in a sudden desire and need.Flickering his gaze between Levi’s eyes and his plump, pretty, pink lips Eren bit back a sigh. Never in before had he felt this desire; the tingles in his hand and skin wherever Levi touched him, the high pulse of his anxious heart, the warmth – that, in this moment, Eren could hardly tell if it was from the alcohol or the feeling that Levi gave him – it was all something so new to Eren. Yet, he loved it.With a breathy sigh, Eren nodded his head. He whispered, “Please.”Levi’s hands found his face, resting on his jaw. Levi’s sweet aura pulled Eren a little closer, lips so achingly close that it left Eren whining. The desperate desire to feel them overwhelmed him. It was all Eren could think about; Levi’s teasing eyes, however, told Eren that it wouldn’t be so easy.“I want you hear you say it, Eren. I want to make sure,” Levi purred, his low tone and velvet-like words sending more heat to the pit of Eren’s stomach. He wiggled impatiently in Levi’s grip with a pout.“Please, Levi. Please. Please kiss me. I want you to kiss me!”There were no clear thoughts in Eren’s intoxicated mind. No worries about whether this was right or wrong weighed on him, nor were there any about whether his God would approve of Eren begging a boy to kiss him. It didn’t matter – none of it did – the only thing that mattered was Levi, and the need to put out the burning wish to feel Levi’s lips against his.Over a month ago, when Eren and Levi first met, never would he imagined that he’d ask the stranger to kiss him. Levi was a boy, after all, and Eren had been told for years that doing anything intimate with a boy was sinful, disgusting, horrific. Yet it was all lies that had been pushed onto him to stop Eren from being free. However, with Levi’s help, Eren was going to be free.Kissing boys was okay. He knew that now.“Close your eyes, baby,” Levi said, and Eren obeyed. He obeyed Levi like it was the most natural thing in the world. Anxiety mixed with pure anticipation flooded his veins, clouded his thoughts and in the darkness he waited. His breaths were shaky and uneven. Patiently, Eren was still, eyes closed and hands fallen to rest on Levi’s shoulders.And then, touch.Levi’s lips were soft, gently pressing to Eren’s own.Nothing could have prepared Eren for the sudden sparks, the tingles that spread across each inch of his skin, the blissful warmth that coiled around him and pulled him closer to Levi’s embrace. Feeling Levi’s lips fully for the first time was odd, different, but wonderful. They were as soft as they looked, fitting against Eren’s perfectly.Air fell away from him as his hands moved to curl in Levi’s silky hair, grabbing fistfuls as Eren rolled his hips closer to the other boy. The kiss was desperate, filled with a burning need. Eren never wanted it to end. Each inch of his skin tingled and burned with desire, and when Levi finally pulled away Eren whined. His irises were full blown from lust even in the dark; his head spinning as he gripped onto Levi.It had been his first kiss, and it had been with the most beautiful person Eren had ever seen.“Is it okay?” Levi whispered. Eren bit his tingling lips, memorising the feeling of Levi’s touch. He leaned into where Levi hand’s still rested on the side of his jaw, eyes fluttered half-close as a small smile curled across his blushing cheeks. He nodded, unable to form words in the dream-like state.
This is what kisses feel like?
They’re so lovely. So lovely. Levi is so lovely.
“Do you want me to give you another kiss?”Eren nodded again, smiling into the gentle kiss that Levi gave him. It was quick, but it left his heart skipping a beat nonetheless. For almost a week Eren had been desperate to learn how Levi’s lips would feel, and now that he finally had, Eren never wanted it to stop. He wanted to kiss Levi, over and over until his own lips were numb and he could think of nothing else but the blue-eyed boy.“K-Kiss me more, Levi, I want more,” Eren begged in a croaky voice, eyes fluttering close as Levi pressed another kiss to lips. It was more urgent this time, Levi tilting his head and wrapping one arm around Eren’s neck, the other resting on the curve of his lower back to pull him closer. When Levi’s tongue licked Eren’s lower lip he gasped at the sensation, and when Levi’s tongue then slid into his open mouth Eren mewled, toes curling in his shoes as his grip on Levi tightened.Butterflies formed in his stomach as a hot heat burned within him. Levi let out a groan against Eren and he pulled the other boy closer to him, grip tightening. Eren could get drunk off the sounds Levi made, and the feeling of Levi's tongue in his mouth. It left his head spinning as he pushed back into Levi's touch, craving more.Desire ached in his chest. He needed Levi to kiss him. In this moment, Eren need it more than anything else.The air around them was filled with the sounds of their gasps, sloppy kisses, Eren’s low whine and Levi’s quiet groans. Even though the night was cold Eren’s skin felt hot. He continued to move against Levi, head spinning at the strange sensation of Levi’s tongue exploring his mouth. It felt odd, weird even, but so fucking amazing that Eren couldn’t help the sounds in the back of his throat.Loudly they panted as they pulled away for air. Levi’s cheeks were flushed a deep red, irises full blown and Eren shyly smiled, a part of him satisfied that he made Levi feel good. Like a jackhammer Eren’s heartbeat thumped widely in his chest. He never wanted to go home. He wanted to stay with Levi. “Don’t kiss anyone else, okay?” Levi whispered into the silence, a smirk etching across his face as he brushed the wisps of hair off of Eren’s forehead. “I want to be the only one who can kiss you.”His heart skipped a beat. Eren nodded, smiling into the quick kiss he gave Levi. “You- You the only one I want to kiss. Don’t worry! Levi, my lips only are yours!”Levi chuckled, patting the top of Eren’s head playfully, his fingers running through Eren’s hair. Eren leaned into the touch, heart warm with satisfaction. “You’re such a good boy,” Levi said. When he kissed Eren once more, Eren’s heart bloomed, and he wondered whether it was possible to stay by Levi’s side until the sunrise peaked over the horizon. Eventually, all the food had been eaten, and Eren and Levi had managed to drink nearly half of the vodka bottle and all of the remaining mango juice. It was reaching the early hours of the morning, and it was time for Eren to go home.For the past few hours Eren and Levi had talked about anything and everything – school, the future, favourite books – and kissed until Eren’s lips were swollen and bruised. There were more hickeys on his collarbones now, and his skin still tingled at the memory of Levi’s tender touch. His cheeks were strained from smiling so widely and for so long; but Eren didn’t mind. Being with Levi had made his heart so full with happiness, safety and comfort that he feared it would burst. Kissing Levi had made Eren’s pulse race and skin hot with blush, but he’d do it again, and again, and again.Alcohol spun his head around and walking felt near impossible, as if the alcohol had chained weights around his feet. So Levi offered to carry Eren on his back, and that is how they ended up strolling through southern Shiganshina with Eren resting his head on Levi’s shoulder.“Are you sure I’m not too heavy, Levi?” Eren said, kissing the reddened skin beneath Levi’s earlobe, alongside his jawline. Earlier in the night he had learned that it was sensitive spot for Levi, and after hearing how pretty Levi’s hitched gasps and low moans sounded, it was impossible to resist the urge to place a large, purple-red hickey on the tender skin. “I- I can walk! Maybe…”“You’re not heavy at all, angel.”“Mhm, okay,” Eren mumbled out a reply. Sleep had begun to catch up to him, and having Levi’s alluring scent and warmth so close to him pulled him closer to rest. Unable to keep his eyes open any longer Eren closed them, sighing deeply and letting himself fall asleep.After only a few minutes of sweet sleep, however, Eren was roughly yanked out of it.One moment he was sleeping on Levi’s back; the next moment the pavement made contact with him. A loud throbbing drummed in his head from where he had fallen, and in his drunken, sleepy state Eren sluggishly rubbed it, blinking open his eyes as confusion flooded his senses.Before him were two strangers that Eren had never seen before.The dimmed light of their surroundings made it difficult for Eren to decipher who they were; one was a slim-built man with short black hair, and the other had red hair cut into a bob and glasses resting on her face. Both of them wore the tan jackets of the military police with the unicorn symbol stitched proudly into the arms of the jackets, representing their loyalty to the law, the mayor and the King. When Eren’s eyes drifted to the guns held firmly in their hands, a cold shiver ran down his spine.
What is going on?
Levi stood in front of Eren, stance defensive, locked legs blocking part of his vision. They were shouting at each other, voices loud and tones dripping with fury, but the ringing in Eren’s ears and the pounding of his head fuzzed all their words. Their words were not what held Eren’s focus, anyway.There was a steal pocket knife gripped in Levi’s hand, flicked out to reveal a sharpened blade.
Why does… Levi have a knife?
“Levi, we’ve been looking for you for quite some time,” The woman said. “Funny how when we finally find you, it’s whilst we’re on parole. We weren’t even looking for you today!”Eren cowered, crawling backwards until his back was pushed against the wooden wall of a stranger’s house. Each breath was quick and fast, sucked through his chattering teeth in an attempt to calm the anxiety that bled into his veins. Each heartbeat was loud, slamming against the ribcage of his chest. Each second passed by agonisingly slow, and tears of panic pricked at the corner of Eren’s wide eyes.
Why are they looking for Levi? Are they trying to hurt him?
“Not going to speak, hmm?” The woman continued. She cocked her head to the side, and when her harsh gaze met Eren’s trembling form he stiffened. Her eyes flickered back to Levi after a moment, her thin lips pressed into a line. “Give the boy over, Levi.”At the woman’s words Eren’s muscles unfroze and he grabbed onto Levi’s leg, a silent plea, begging Levi to not let Eren go. He didn’t know much about the military police, but if they were to take him then his parents would find out about Eren drinking alcohol and sneaking out. They’ll scream at him, his father will hit him, and Eren will never be allowed out of the house by himself again.“No. I won’t,” Levi said, and Eren’s heart fluttered as he breathed a shaky sigh in relief. Levi won’t give him over. Eren will be safe, and his parents won’t find out.The two strangers’ hands lifted their guns, pointing straight at Levi.Eren’s heart stopped.His blood ran cold.“Give that poor boy over now, Levi, and nothing will happen to you. Come with us, and I promise that we’ll treat you well and no harm will come to you as long as you listen,” The male officer said. Both of the strangers took slow steps towards Levi, who only kept inching backwards towards Eren.
Why do they want me to go with them? Should I tell them I want to stay here? I want to stay with Levi!
Are they going to hurt him? I don’t want him hurt!
“Baby,” Levi whispered, quiet enough so the two officers couldn’t hear, but loud enough so that Eren’s insides flipped at the pet name and his gaze snapped up to where Levi towered over him. Levi still looked straight ahead at the soldiers in front of him, the knife still gripped in his grasp. He continued, “Close your eyes. Don’t open them until I say so.”“What are you saying?” The woman barked, taking another step closer, but Eren could only focus on the gentle and soft tone of Levi’s voice.“Whatever happens, you have to keep them closed. I’ll make sure you’re safe, but you cannot open your eyes until I say it is okay to do so,” Levi kept talking, ignoring the woman’s demands.Eren’s grip on Levi’s leg tightened, as a way to silently say he understood. He obeyed Levi, scrunching his eyes closed, gulping down the anxious knot in the back of his throat.“Listen, all you have to do is follow our orders-”A sickening thump followed by a painful yell ran through the air. The woman stopped speaking, and Levi’s leg was no longer in his grasp. There was another whack, the sound of bones cracking and a man’s desperate cry. For the next few moments, the only sounds were the repeated punches and kicks.Eren pressed his hands over his ears, hot tears trailing down his cheeks.“You- You monster!” The woman screamed, voice coarse.Another whack. Another sound of flesh hitting the pavement below.Then, a gunshot, loud and deafening.Eren flinched. The sound echoed off the walls of the surrounding houses and sliced through Eren. Each part of him shook, trembling in the darkness as his mind started racing – is Levi hurt? Was that gunshot for him? What’s going on? I want to go home!An overwhelming, bitter metallic smell reached Eren’s nose. There was another scream, another groan of pain, and then the sound of a body smacking down right beside him.“L-L-Levi?” Eren stuttered, voice weak. His eyes were still firmly closed, as Levi had asked. He brought his knees to his chest, biting his lip to hide the sob that threatened to spill. For the next few seconds there was nothing but silence and the faint breaths of someone in the distance.“I’m here, Eren. Everything is going to be okay. Keep your eyes closed for me, angel.” Levi said into Eren’s ear. At his low words and velvet-voice Eren relaxed. Levi’s soft arms bounded around Eren, pulling him off the ground, and holding him against his chest. Ignoring the metallic smell Eren pushed his head into the crook of Levi’s neck. His legs wrapped around Levi’s waist, and he breathed deep.The tears still burned his eyes, but knowing that Levi was right beside him and that he was safe calmed the speeding of Eren’s heart and the panic that tightened his chest.He felt Levi’s lips press against the top of his head.“W-What happen? Why…? Why… why they look for you? L-Levi?” Eren said, unable to hold back the croaked sob. His hands grabbed fistfuls of Levi’s tee-shirt as he cried.“Remember the day when we first met, Eren?” Levi replied, and Eren nodded. “Do you remember those apples I took? I didn’t pay for them.”Flickers of the day that Eren and Levi first met each other crossed his mind. In his chest Eren’s heart skipped a beat; he had completely forgotten about the apples Levi had been oddly shoving into his bag. It was the reason that Eren went over to the boy in the first place. After Levi had called him cute, Eren’s mind had been too focused on that to remember that Levi had stolen the apples.
Stealing is a sin, isn’t it? It’s wrong. Why would Levi do that?
Levi took the silence as a signal to continue. “That’s why they’re angry with me. Because I stole some apples, and now they’ve been looking for me ever since.”“B-But stealing is bad! Why would you- you do that?”“It’s not, angel. That man has hundreds and hundreds of apples, he can afford to lose a few. Besides… it was for Isabel’s birthday. She really wanted some apples,” Levi said. One of his hands moved to lace through Eren’s hair, the other still holding firmly under Eren’s thighs.Eren sniffled. “I-It’s not bad?”“No.”“It was for Isabel’s birthday?”“Yes, baby. I wanted to make her happy. Do you understand? Isabel is like my little sister.”Everyone had always told Eren that stealing was not only illegal, but a sin to do. It was bad, rude, and financially hurt the owners of whatever was stolen. But if Levi said it was okay, then it must have been simply another lie. Right? Levi would never lie to Eren. It was his parents, his God, his friends that lied to him and kept freedom away from him.Isabel’s loud laugh, toothy grin and bright green eyes flashed in Eren’s mind. If those apples were for her birthday, and Levi only wanted to make her happy, then surely it is okay, right? God would understand. God would want Levi to make Isabel happy.
And if God didn’t, I can just pray for Levi. He’ll be cleaned of his sins.
Eren muttered, “Can I open my eyes now?”Hearing Levi hum in reply, Eren pulled back, eyes half-open as he rested his hands on the sides of Levi’s face. There was a cut just above Levi’s eyebrow, and blood trickled down and stained his skin. An ache spread throughout his chest at the sight and Eren leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Levi’s lips.“They hurt you because you wanted to make Isabel happy?” Eren said, pushing the strands of hair off of Levi’s forehead. Even with the blood, and the faint purple bruise around the wound, Levi still looked beautiful. “That’s… that’s so mean. Why don’t they understand?”“Because Eren, the military police have always been awful. They’ll never understand.”
I hate them. I hate them for wanting to hurt you, Levi.
Eren’s eyes flickered behind them. They were no longer in the street where the two military police officers had attacked Levi, and instead they were starting to walk through the southern archway of the town-square. The sky above had lightened a little now, and was a solid colour of navy instead of black. When they passed the clock-tower, the large handles sat on five minutes past four o’clock.“What did you do to them?” Eren asked in a whisper. He leaned his head back on Levi’s shoulder, eyes closing once more. In a few hours, Eren would have to wake and go to school. His head still spun a little, but Eren’s thoughts were mostly sober.“What I had to do. They were going to hurt you, Eren. They would have told your parents about us, and then we would have never been able to see each other again,” Levi paused, “But they’ll be fine.”“You were protecting me?”“Of course. I told you, I’d never let anyone hurt you when I am with you.”A warm, tender feeling stretched throughout Eren’s entire body. He smiled softly as his gazed at Levi, focused on each little detail – the freckles on his nose, the swirls of grey in his ocean eyes, the peach colour of his lips; he sketches it in his mind, saving it in his memory as if this was the last time they would ever see each other. Even in the dark, even with the blood, Eren’s heart still soared at the sight of Levi.It was odd how quickly Eren had become infatuated with the other boy, but it didn't matter.As long as he was with Levi, Eren would be safe. “Thank you,” Eren whispered.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The first thing that Eren noticed when he walked into school was that Mr Pyxis was not there.The second thing – and most surprising thing that Eren noticed – was that instead, Erwin sat at the front desk of the classroom. Unlike the previous times that they have met, Erwin’s fringe was styled off his face, and he wore a tight-fitted white business shirt and red tie. There were stacks of papers in his hands, and he didn’t look up as the rest of Eren’s classmates hesitantly strode in and sat down.It was vastly different from the last memory Eren had of Erwin, which was when the blond had begged Levi for tequila and then passed out on the floor Hanji’s café, shirt buttons undone and hair a mess.I didn’t know he was a teacher, Eren thought to himself.The class had gone silent, each student now sat at their desks as they waited for Erwin to speak. None of the others knew who he was; a sly smile tugged on Eren’s lips.“Hello, everyone,” Erwin said, standing up and glancing around the room. When his gaze met Eren’s there was the hint of a smile that made Eren’s heart leap. Unlike everyone else, Eren and Erwin were friends. They knew each other outside of school, and a thrilled rush sparked inside Eren at the thought. This was another little secret that Armin and Mikasa didn’t knew about. Eren briefly wondered if school would be easier too, now that Mr Pyxis – who he hated – was gone.Erwin continued, “I am Mr Smith. I’ll be replacing Mr Pyxis, who unfortunately, had to go on leave. He’ll be transferred elsewhere, so I hope you don’t miss that old man too much.”There was a hushed gasp at the latter half of Erwin’s words; nobody expected him to slyly insult Mr Pyxis. It evolved into a collective chuckle as soon as Ymir had burst into laughter, smacking the desk behind Eren as she pushed out a wheezing: “That’s a good one, Mr Smith.”For the rest of the day, things went rather smoothly. A few times Eren caught himself dozing off, eyelids heavy from the lack of sleep, his daydreams of Levi’s kisses and tender touches incredibly alluring. That morning Mikasa had commented on the dark circles under his eyes, and now the little sleep had caught up to him as he struggled to stay awake through some of the lessons.Maths was probably a lesson that Eren should have tried to focus on the most. Erwin introduced the class to the topic of polynomials today. It was new and difficult, yet he ended up deep in thought, idly staring out of the window, lazily tracing the clothed hickeys on his collarbones with blushing cheeks.When lunch came about, Eren decided to sit outside in the sunshine. He pulled his knees to his chest, leaning against the bricked wall of the school and staring at the clouds that rolled past the blue sky above. It was peaceful and quiet, a perfect opportunity for Eren to go over what happened the night before. Levi’s lips were as soft as they had looked. His tongue was memorising – Eren didn’t even know that kisses with tongue could feel as head-spinning and heartfelt as they did.When Levi had gripped his ass, pulled him closer to his chest and moaned into Eren’s mouth, it had brought on a blissful shiver of pleasure that reminded him of the Saturday before. It didn’t matter if it was sinful anymore. Whether his God watched with a frown, Eren did not mind at all. Levi’s touch and kisses and simple presence felt all too good to worry about whether it was religiously right.Eren and Levi had planned to meet on Thursday afternoon, and an aching desire to kiss Levi until his lips were bruised already had blossomed inside of him. The thought of having to wait another two days till he could kiss Levi again weighed down on his heart.
And to think that people believe that kissing boys is wrong… How? How is it wrong? I loved it.
Kissing Levi was not the only thing on Eren’s mind, however. There were the two military police officers too, who had threatened Levi and hurt him. Guilt and panic twisted around his heart when Eren thought back to the incident. It happened all because Levi stole some few apples to make sure Isabel was happy, and because he refused to give Eren over to them. Looking back, he wished that he hadn’t cowered and shook so childishly whilst they hurt Levi. He should have told the officers that he wanted to stay with him. It was a sickening to think; but in the end, Eren was glad that Levi had injured the officers. A part of him felt… shocked, at knowing that Levi was able to take down two military police officers and only have a small scratch on his forehead. In a way it intimidated Eren to know how strong Levi really was. He had noticed Levi’s muscular build, and Levi had promised to make sure nobody would harm Eren, but there had been a tiny, burning slither of doubt at the statement. Last night, however, was proof that Levi did mean everything he said to Eren.Levi wouldn’t lie to Eren, and he’d protect him always, just like he had promised. “Eren, can we talk?” Armin said, popping his head out of the school doorway. Eren’s gaze snapped up at the sound of his voice, meeting Armin’s. His blue eyes glassed over, and his eyebrows were furrowed with concern. Mikasa stood beside him, her face as blank as it had been that morning.Rolling his eyes, Eren nodded. In silence he watched as Armin and Mikasa sat in front of him, crossing their legs as they fixated their gazes onto Eren. An irritated feeling pulsed out from within him and Eren resisted the urge to glare back. He knew that they would want to talk to him sometime today. No doubt, Mikasa had already told Eren about his little slip up yesterday afternoon. “What is it?” Eren asked, knees still pressed to his chest as he leaned his chin on them.“Mikasa told me about some things you said on Monday… and we’re just a little concerned. That’s all,” Armin said. He paused, glancing between where Mikasa stared and Eren’s faint scowl. “You know, Mikasa’s your sister, and I’m your best friend, and you can always talk to us-”“Just tell me what’s the issue,” Eren snapped.Mikasa shook her head at him, lips pressed into a thin line. “Eren, we love you, and we’ve noticed that for over a month now you’ve been acting strange. You’re going to the library often, yet… your grades aren’t exactly improving. And then you curse at me, then you tell me that cursing is somehow okay, of all things, and that our parents are lying!”“They are!”“No, Eren, be quiet and listen to me for once!” Mikasa shuffled forward, pressing her hands on top of Eren’s knees, prompting him to sit up straight. Beside her Armin sat still, a frown tugging down on his lips. Eren huffed, rolling his eyes at the concern. There is nothing strange about him.She continued, “You said… you said that you’re not seeing someone, but I know you are. Because when I said they’re lying to you, you yelled at me that he isn’t.”Eren’s pulse rose as he sucked in an anxious breath, gaze darting to the grass beneath where he sat. That morning at breakfast, Mikasa had said nothing about their fight, and that morning Eren had even prayed to his God that she would forget. Yet, alas, she didn’t, and now Armin knew about it too. If they were to find out about Levi, Eren would never see him again.
I’ll never hold his hand again; I’ll never see his smile again… I’ll never kiss him again…
“Who… who is he, Eren?” Armin’s voice is soft, almost a whisper. He shuffled up to beside Eren, back against the wall and so close their shoulders touched. “Is someone hurting you?”His throat tightened, and Eren gulped down the anxious knot in the back of it. Frantically he shook his head, hands curled into fists by his side as he sucked in shaking breaths. Levi would never hurt him. Levi would beat other people up in order to keep Eren safe – he proved it too, last night, when those military police officers wanted to steal Eren away from Levi.Eren wanted Armin and Mikasa to give it up, so that they can go back to being friends without them having to worry. Yet, when he spoke, his voice failed him. “I- I’m not seeing anyone.”“We know that you’re lying, Eren,” Mikasa paused, cocking her head to the side to try and catch Eren’s lowered gaze. “It’s okay. You can talk to us. We’re… we’re not going to yell at you, like mother or father will. Armin and I just want you to be safe.”Eren’s heart sunk. I have to lie to them. I can’t let them find out about Levi.“I am safe, Mikasa! Please just listen to me,” Eren said in a pleading voice, finally glancing up to meet Mikasa’s eyes. Her eyebrows furrowed, but she nodded – a silent agreement that she will listen. A sigh slipped past Eren’s lips. He continued, “I’m not seeing anyone. Nobody at all. I’m simply going to the library, alright? You must have heard me wrong last night.”Once, lying used to make Eren sick with guilt. He’d pray to his God whenever he even spoke the smallest lie, and begged for forgiveness. Yet now, after meeting Levi, lying came to Eren so easily. It was almost natural to tell made-up stories to Mikasa and Armin. As long as it was to protect Levi, then Eren would do it without hesitation.“I’m almost certain that I didn’t hear you wrong, Eren.”“You did,” Eren pestered. A weak smile etched itself across his face. “I’m fine, I’m safe, really. You heard me wrong, okay? I never said there was person I’m seeing.”“Are- Are you sure?” Armin said. His hand reached up to rest on top of one of Eren’s curled fists. “Eren. If anyone is hurting you, or threatening you, you know - Mikasa - she could probably beat them up with ease. She’s pretty strong. Stronger than us!”Eren chuckled at the latter statement, a genuine grin curling his lips. A warmth reached his chest, filling his heart with a sensation of belonging. Taking a deep breath, he relaxed his fists, grabbing one of Armin’s and one of Mikasa’s hands into his own.
Even if I cannot tell them about Levi, Armin and Mikasa are still my friends. I love them. One day, they’ll get to be free, too. I’ll make sure of it.
“I know, Armin. I- I’m really grateful for you two. But I’m serious, there’s nothing wrong! Okay?” Eren chuckled again, shaking his head. Armin beamed at him, and the first sign of a small smile tugged on Mikasa’s lips. He continued, “You guys are just over-protective, ha.”Mikasa sighed, running a hand through her black locks. “Well… okay. I suppose I believe you. But- But if anything happens to you, Eren, I swear, I will-”“Nothing will happen to me!” Eren said, cutting Mikasa off. His sister's eyes danced over him, as if studying to see if there was any uncertainty behind Eren’s words.
Levi would never let anyone hurt me when I’m with him.
“Okay,” Mikasa said. The conversation was over. The familiar sound of the clock-tower’s bells rang once it reached three o’clock. Eren’s classmates hurriedly gathered their belongings, rushed out a goodbye to Erwin and left. Armin and Mikasa said a goodbye to Eren as well, their looks longing on him for a few seconds before they left as well.Before lunch had ended, Eren had told them that he would be staying behind that afternoon in order to ask for extra help from Mr Smith. Both of them had gave him a suspicious glare; which was understandable, after the conversation they had earlier in the lunch time, but once Mikasa said a mumbled okay, Armin followed and accepted it.After the bells rang throughout Shiganshina, and the classroom was finally empty except for Erwin and Eren, he skipped up to the front desk with a wide grin etched across his face.“Erwin! I didn’t know you were a teacher?” Eren said, leaning his palms on Mr Pyxis’ – Erwin’s – desk. Erwin still sat in his chair, papers of schoolwork scattered out in front of him, with the blackboard behind him covered in mathematical equations. There was a small spinning globe in the corner of his desk, as well as a half-drunk glass of water. A red pen was in his hand.Erwin looked up, meeting Eren’s gaze with a smile. “Hello, Eren, I was expecting you to stay behind today. And, well, sort of. My father was a teacher, so I know the basics from him.”“So… you don’t actually have a degree?” Eren’s eyebrows furrowed, and he tilted his head to the side. He bounced on one leg, eagerly awaiting Erwin’s reply.“No.”Turning around, Eren dragged one of the chairs from the front desks and scraped it along the ground up to where Erwin sat. Sitting beside the man, Eren’s eyes scanned the papers on the desk. They were the mathematics quiz that they had after lunch, and Eren felt his stomach twist. He ignored it.“Then how are you teaching?” He asked, as Erwin continued to mark the quizzes in front of him.“Oh, just through some mutual contacts I suppose.”“Why are you teaching? Aren’t you working for Kenny?”Erwin nodded. He sipped on the glass of water before putting his pen down, turning his attention to Eren fully. “That I am. I still work for Kenny, if that’s what you’re curious about. It’s simply that now teaching will be my day job, as well.”“Are you even old enough to be a teacher?” Eren continued to ask. Neither Levi or Erwin ever mentioned Erwin’s age. He knew Hanji was twenty-one, Furlan and Levi were both turning nineteen, and Isabel was seventeen. But Erwin seemed older, more mature than the others (even though he did get blindly drunk and begged Levi for tequila like a whining toddler). Or, perhaps, he seemed more mature simply because he was teaching now, and all the other times Eren and Erwin have met have been outside of school.“I’m twenty-three. About four or five years older than your Levi.”Blood rushed to Eren’s cheeks, painting them in a rose colour at Erwin’s usage of the words, your Levi. He gulped, nodding his head, fingertips fidgeting in his lap. Levi was not Eren’s, but nonetheless his heart still skipped a beat at Levi being called his. They were best friends, yes, but that was it. Right?Eren opened his mouth, wanting to ask Erwin about whether him becoming a teacher at his school had anything to do with Levi, but the question fell short on his tongue at the sound of the school door opening. The outside breeze pushed a few autumn leaves inside and Eren watched as they danced across the wooden flooring, before his eyes reached the person at the door.“Speaking of which, here he is,” Erwin said.Eren was already out of his chair, feet rushing over to where Levi stood at the door with open arms. A wide, toothy grin etched itself across his face as he flung himself into Levi’s embrace. As if it was instinct he pushed his head into the crook of Levi’s neck, arms wrapped around the boy and pulling him close. Levi was warm, though the exposed skin of his neck a little cold from the cool breeze outside.“Levi, I didn’t know you would be here!” Eren pulled back. It'd been only a few hours since they'd last seen each other, but Eren had missed him deeply. There was still a cut above his eyebrow, now covered up with a band-aid. Eren's heart sunk at the sight of it.“Mhm, I wanted to see how Erwin was on his first day. I didn’t know you’d be here, too, angel.”For a moment he forgot Erwin was even there at all, before he pressed a kiss to Levi’s cheek. An ache inside his chest poked at him to kiss Levi properly, but he didn’t know if Levi would appreciate it. Should Eren ask? Were the kisses only a one-time thing? When do you kiss someone? His mother and father never kissed – or, at least, he never saw them kiss – so Eren had no idea how it worked.All his questions were answered when Levi’s hand found his lower back and pulled him in again. His lips met Eren’s, and a loving warmth stretched throughout Eren at the sensation. He sighed into the kiss, hands finding their way into Levi’s hair as their lips moved against one another. Thoughts in his head spun and muddled with one another until all that Eren could focus on was Levi.
I could never get tired of this feeling.
“Ahem.”With a jump Eren staggered back, eyes wide and cheeks a deep red with embarrassment. Spinning around he met Erwin’s quirked brow and curious stare.“I-I’m sorry! We-We were just-” Eren stuttered out, but was cut off by Erwin shaking his head and telling him that everything is fine. It calmed the sudden panic that had twisted itself around him, and Eren breathed out in relief. A part of him was worried that Erwin wouldn’t understand, that he’d be disgusted and ask Eren and Levi to see a doctor. Though, Erwin was one of Levi’s best friends. Mentally Eren face palmed himself – Erwin was free, of course he wouldn’t believe in lies.Levi’s began to walk over to where Erwin sat, and, as if in trance, Eren’s feet began to follow.“Erwin, how’s the day been?” Levi sat on the corner of Erwin’s desk, gaze flickering over the quiz papers in front of him. “These brats aren’t being too difficult?”Instead of sitting back in his seat next to Erwin, Eren chose to stand right beside Levi. Hesitantly his hand found Levi’s, and their fingers curled around one another. Levi’s hand was a little smaller, his knuckles hard with callouses but nonetheless, it was still soft, comforting and warm.“Ah, Eren’s classmates all seem to be fine. I’m marking their maths quiz now, actually,” Erwin said, answering Levi’s questions. He shuffled the papers in front of him, before continuing: “Eren, your sister – Mikasa Jaeger – she’s quite smart, isn’t she?”Eren stiffened. Now that Erwin was their new teacher, he would learn that Eren truly is… nothing compared to his sister. Would he think differently of him? Would he tell Levi about the extent Eren’s poor grades and lack of focus? Would Levi then think differently of him?“Yeah, yeah, she is…” Eren mumbled.“What about Eren’s quiz, Erwin?” Levi said, nodding towards the pile of papers on the desk. Hesitation choked the air out of Eren and he bit his lip, waiting for Erwin to tell Levi how disappointed he was in Eren’s poor marks. The quiz that afternoon had been on the polynomials they had learned earlier in the day, as well as some basic algebra revision. Eren had done terrible. Usually, mathematics was not his weakest point – he was third in the class – but he’d been so focused on the taste and feel of Levi’s lips that he’d barely focused. Levi would be so disappointed.Erwin pulled out Eren’s quiz from the pile. “Well, not… the greatest. But, Eren, if you’d like, since we’re friends, I could perhaps give you a slightly better mark.”It was as if he’d been slapped in the face. Eren stared, dumbfounded with widened eyes at Erwin’s calm expression. He held his quiz in his hand, the red pen in the other, and quirked an eyebrow at Eren as he awaited his answer.“Is- Is that even allowed?” Eren choked out. An anxious knot formed in the back of his throat as he licked his lips, pausing to go over Erwin’s offer once more. “Isn’t that… cheating?”“Oh, Eren. Erwin’s your teacher, now. He’d know what is right, don’t you think so? It’s not wrong,” Levi said from beside him. His arm curled around Eren’s waist, and Eren relaxed into the touch. His pulse ran high in his chest, heartbeat thumping hard against his ribcage as his gaze flickered between the two people in front of him. To think that perhaps Eren could receive a slightly better grade… maybe then, his mother and father would not be so disappointed in him…“Do you think it’s wrong?” Eren turned to Levi, gaze fixated on the other boy.“I don’t think so,” Levi purred, his grip around Eren pulling him closer. “You have connections now… why don’t you use them? You can get exactly what you want. All you have to do is tell us…”A shiver ran down Eren’s spine as he subconsciously moved closer to Levi, feeling pulled in by his intoxicating aura. The knowledge that Erwin was right there beside them left him as Eren felt his head become clouded, and he felt himself nod along to Levi’s words.“If you tell Erwin… he can give you a better mark than your sister. Wouldn’t you like that?”“B-But Mikasa works hard for it.”“So? She makes you feel less, remember? Always treating you like you’re a child, and cannot make your own choices. That makes you so angry, doesn’t it?” Levi tilted his head to the side, one hand coming up to run through Eren’s hair.Eren’s throat ran dry, his stomach twist and flip inside him. Morally, it was wrong, it was so, so wrong that even a tiny part of Eren even considered agreeing to what Erwin and Levi were offering him. Mikasa worked and studied hard for her grades, and always supported and was always proud of Eren despite his grades. It was his mother and father that constantly compared them, that constantly put them in a little competition against each other. Not Mikasa. Never Mikasa.But as always, Levi was right. Mikasa did treat Eren as if he was less able than her. She babied him, was so over-protective that sometimes it’d make him see red, and never believed that he could make his own decisions. It made him so angry, so frustrated and hurt. This could be pay-back for it, right?Would she ever find out? If she didn’t, and if she simply thought that she made some mistakes… then maybe it would be okay. It’ll be only one time, just so Eren could maybe understand what it would be like for his mother and father to be proud of him. That wasn’t wrong, right? It wasn’t wrong to want to feel like his parents were proud of him. “What mark will you give me?” Eren whispered out, hesitant eyes meeting Erwin’s.“Hmm… what about twenty-eight out of thirty? Does that sound good?” Erwin said, picking up Eren’s quick in his hands again and tapping the pen against the edge of the wooden table.It was as if he'd swallowed bricks. They weighed down in his chest, a sinking feeling that made Eren almost sick with anxiety. Never in Eren's life had he'd received twenty-eight out of thirty on a math's quiz - the highest grade he'd received had been twenty-four. Ignoring the anxiety that pulsed in his veins Eren nodded, gulping down the knot in the back of his throat. He asked, “What did my sister get?”“She received the twenty-eight. But, I can give her a mark of twenty-six instead, if you’d like me too.”Only this once, Eren repeated in his head. Just so I can understand what it feels like for mother and father to be proud of me. Levi said it was okay, and if he thinks it is okay… then it must be…After a pause, Eren nodded again.Levi seemed to be satisfied, for his choice earned him another quick kiss to his lips that left Eren breathless. Briefly Eren wondered if Erwin didn’t appreciate the touches and kisses that Levi gave each other, until he remembered when Levi told him that that boys that age often kissed each other’s cheeks. They were doing nothing wrong. Erwin was free, too, he didn’t believe in lies.“Good boy,” Levi whispered in his ear and Eren gasped at the sensation of Levi’s breath on his neck.After Eren had agreed to letting Erwin increase his grades, the conversation had changed to Eren’s classmates. Levi had moved to the chair beside Erwin and Eren sat on his lap, face pink with blush at the feeling of Levi beneath him. Strong arms wrapped around Eren’s waist as he leaned into Levi’s chest, a blanket of safety and comfort cloaked around him.“Ah, so you’re quite close with everyone?” Erwin asked, and Eren nodded.“Yeah! I mean, our class isn’t that big. We’ve all been in the same class for a few years too, so we know each other well. And mostly everyone goes to my family’s church.”“Tell me more about your friends, angel. I only really know a little about Armin,” Levi said from behind him, his chin rested on Eren’s shoulder.“Well, I’ve known Armin since we were four. He was getting bullied by some kids, so I decided to stick up for him, and we’ve been best friends since. Then there’s Ymir, she sits behind me and she’s really funny and sarcastic. Her, Historia and Sasha are all really close, but Sasha is also close with Connie too, and they sit together at lunch,” Eren paused, hands moving to rest over Levi’s. “Jean is another one of my friends, though sometimes… well, Levi, you’d probably think he’s a brat.”Levi chuckled, the sound heavenly to Eren’s ears. “Would I now?”“What about your sister?” Erwin said, taking a sip from the glass of water on his desk, and tapping the pen in his hand against the edge of the wood. “Are you two twins, since you’re in the same grade?”Eren shook his head. “No, she’s adopted. Her… ah, her parents died about six years ago, and one day my parents said we’re adopting her and now she’s my sister I guess.”“Hmm, I thought so, you two don’t look alike at all.”“You don't think they look alike?” Levi asked.“No. I think she looks a lot like you, actually,” Erwin said, tone low, words slow. Eren’s heart skipped at the feeling of Levi stiffening underneath him. Furrowing his eyebrows in worry he twisted around in Levi’s lap, looking over his shoulder to Levi’s blank gaze. Did he not like that he looked like Mikasa?Now that Erwin had mentioned it, the similarities started to pierce together like puzzle pieces in Eren’s head. As he studied Levi’s features, Mikasa’s mirroring ones flickered in his mind. Their eye-shape was similar, even though Mikasa had dark brown eyes and not blue. Their facial structure was almost the same – similar noses, high cheekbones and sharp jawlines – and they had the exact same hair colour. Levi looked older, with blue eyes and a more masculine and less-flat face, but other than that Erwin was right. They did look oddly similar.“Huh? Weird,” Levi said. When his gaze shifted to meet Eren’s, his eyes softened. He leaned up, kissing Eren again, and muttered: “Do you want me to walk you home, baby?”Eren smiled against Levi’s lips, a silent yes. Together they walked, hand in hand, shoulder touching shoulder. The clock-tower showed that it was nearing four o’clock in the afternoon. A cool breeze pushed Eren’s hair off his forehead, and as they passed the town square, there were trails of autumn leaves twirling around in the wind. Children played with soccer balls in the street, and the bustling workers had started to make their way home.“Eren, on Thursday, I want to take you to my house,” Levi said into silence, and Eren almost tripped at the sudden words. His heart leaped, head spun and he glanced up at Levi with lips parted in awe with a pink blush rising to his cheeks.
Levi wanted to take me to his home?
“R-Really?” Eren gasped out, voice high-pitched with eagerness. “Will we… will we be alone?”Levi smirked, squeezing Eren’s hand. “We will, angel, and we can… have a repeat of Saturday, if you’d like. My uncle won’t be home, and neither will Isabel or Furlan.”Eren’s blush deepened. For the past few days he’d dreamed of Saturday, and woken up desperate for Levi’s touch and for that blissful, blinding heat of pleasure that they’d experienced together. A little part of him had been hoping for Levi to tell Eren that it would happen again. Though, Eren had originally thought it would have been weeks of waiting. He didn’t know that they would be able to be alone so soon again.He bit his lips, tucking a strand of hair behind his ears as he nodded. Not only would he’d be able to feel good again, but he’d be seeing Levi’s home. The place that Levi spent each night, where he’d made so many memories with Kenny, Furlan and Isabel. For some reason, Eren saw it as much more serious than when Levi came to the Jaeger house. The Jaeger house was boring; their family was modest, religious and strict. But that was not the case with Levi’s family. Would they have colourful blankets and paintings? A couch? Sweet smelling candles that Eren loved but his mother loathed?“I’d love that, Levi…”“Good, baby, because fuck, how I’ve wanted to hear you beg again,” He whispered in Eren’s ear, earning him a playful push as Eren diverted his blushing face to the ground. Levi laughed.It still was a little odd to think that someone as wonderful as Levi found Eren interesting or attractive at all, but they were best friends now, and their friendship was different to anyone else.When they reached Eren’s street, Levi placed a hand on his chest to stop him.“What is it?” Eren turned, eyebrows furrowed. At this time in the afternoon his street was mostly empty, though if people looked out of their window they’d spot them. Behind them the sun had started to lower in the sky, and the temperature began to drop slowly.“Is… is it possible, Eren, that you could look in your father’s study again, for me?” Levi took both of Eren’s hands into his, and rose on his toes to press a kiss to Eren’s cheek. “I’m so curious, you know…”Levi’s face looked soft, gentle, and he looked up to Eren with a pleading face. It made Eren’s heart twist and flip inside his chest as he sighed, guilt coiling around his gut. Ever since Saturday, when they’d learned that his father had been sending large sums of money to Rod Reiss, curiosity had eaten away inside him too. But… Eren didn’t know how to break into the study, like Levi did.“I- I want to, Levi, but I don’t know how to do that weird thing you did with the hair-clip…”Cold reached one of Eren’s hands as Levi dropped it, and shuffled around in the pockets of his sweater. Moments later he pulled out the bumpy, singular metal strand of the hair clip – the same one that Levi had used a few days ago to break into Eren’s father’s study.“Push this in, wiggle it around and it should click open,” Levi said, bringing one of Eren’s hands up and placing the clip in his palm. Eren’s fingers curled around it, and he eyed his hands for a few seconds before his gaze flickered back to Levi. The other boy was looking at him, eyebrows creased and eyes hard with an emotion Eren couldn’t decipher.Levi continued, “Try tonight, see if you can find anything, baby.”“About the Ackerman family?” Eren asked.“Yes, that and the money your father sends, and just- just anything that seems odd. You’ll do that for me, right, angel? You’ll make me so happy if you do.”Eren nodded. If it’d make Levi happy, then Eren would do it. He’d do anything to feel the warmth that spread throughout him when Levi said he was happy or proud with him, or whenever Levi smiled and laughed. The feeling was addicting, and Eren had grown to crave it.Besides, Levi was helping Eren be free, too. He knew better than Eren did. This could be a way to repay Levi for teaching Eren the truth, and helping him break out of his parents control over him.“Thank you, baby. You’ll tell me what you find on Thursday, right?” Levi said, hands reaching up to cup Eren’s cheeks. “We’re still fine to meet then?”“Yeah, yes, of course,” Eren rushed out, mouth breaking out into a grin as he realised that in a few days’ time he’d be seeing Levi again, and going to Levi’s home for the first time.“Well, I hope you enjoy Erwin as your teacher. If he’s rude, tell me, I’ll knock some sense into him,” Levi leaned back. “I’ll see you Thursday, Eren.”Eren chuckled. “Erwin’s my friend, I don’t think he’s going to be mean to me.”“True. Erwin’s like a puppy once you get to know him.”“Just like you!” Eren snapped back, laughing at the scowl that flashed across Levi’s face. When the other boy’s hands wrapped around him and started to tickle his side and stomach he screamed, giggling and begging through gasped breaths for Levi to let him go.“I’m not a puppy,” Levi growled, but there was a grin on his lips. He halted his tickling after a few more moments of listening to Eren plead. Holding Eren close to him, Levi pressed a kiss to the boy’s lips, earning a small yelp from Eren. They were still in public – anyone could walk outside or look through a window and see them in the street. Yet Levi didn’t seem to care, and if he didn’t, Eren didn’t. So he let Levi kiss him again, this time a little slower and with a little more passion.“Go home, before your parents get angry. I’ll see you soon,” Levi took a step back, finally letting Eren go. At the lack of touch Eren childishly pouted, his heart sinking. He didn’t want to be away from Levi so soon. They were not even meant to see each other today, it was pure coincidence, yet now Eren knew it would be more difficult to wait until Thursday.“Bye-bye, Levi,” Eren said, before forcing himself to turn around. Each part of him yelled to stay with Levi, to kiss him again, to enjoy Levi’s soft embrace but Eren knew he had to go home. His mother, father and Mikasa would be waiting for him, and if Eren was late they’d grow worried and angry.When he reached his door he heard the loud, booming laughter of Rod Reiss from inside. It had been almost a month since they last came over to dinner, and as Levi had taken up so much of Eren’s attention the past few days he’d barely even talked to Historia, or thought about the Reiss’ family coming over tonight. It would be difficult to break into the study whilst they were there. Eren would probably have to wait until Wednesday night, when the Reiss family were gone.Eren’s gaze flickered back down the street, hoping to catch a glance of the boy he’d grown so infatuated with and who made his heart beat fast.Levi, however, was gone.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Idly, Eren pushed the steamed vegetables around his plate. He’d taken a few bites of the grilled fish – a rare, expensive delicacy that his mother only cooked on special occasions – before giving up. It wasn’t that his mother’s cooking had tasted bad, or that Eren wasn’t hungry. It was simply that his mind was preoccupied with what he had to do that evening. Not a slither of doubt existed inside Eren about his decision to sneak behind his father’s back. Levi said it would make him happy, and that was all Eren needed. However, he still felt nervous - this would be the first time Eren would do something like this alone.“Did you read that new medical journal, about the new treatments for those who are sick, Grisha?” Rod said, raising a brow. Historia glanced up at her father from beside him, and all the members at the table turned their attention to Rod. “They have found electrocution to be very effective.”Eren glanced between the mayor and his father, face scrunched up in confusion. Never had he heard of electrocution being a medical procedure; his father had taught Eren a lot about medicine, but this was something unknown to him. Picking up a glass of water, Eren took a slow sip.“Mhm!” His father put his utensils down, dabbing the corner of his mouth with the napkin before he continued. “I did indeed, it was quite fascinating! Nearly all of those who experienced homosexual tendencies were cured once the treatment was finished.”He choked on the water.Everyone’s eyes snapped to him, and he felt Mikasa rub his back as his mother asked in the distance if Eren was okay. A painful knot formed in his throat as it tightened. It felt as if he had been punched in the gut, the words his father spoke leaving him winded.
Electrocution? Wouldn’t that be painful? Is it even humane?
Cold covered each inch of his body. Even with eating so little, it felt as if he was about to throw up.“Are you alright, son?” His father asked, and through his glasses his eyes were narrowed and stern. Eren drunk the rest of the water before he nodded, forcing a weak smile on his face.“I-I just choked,” Eren said. There was a pause, a deathly silence and Eren’s heartbeat banged against his chest, adding to the sickening panic that twisted around him and suffocated him. His nails dug into the skin where he gripped his utensils. The pain helped him focus on his breathing.“Alright… well, as I was saying,” His father’s attention turned to Rod Reiss, who looked at Eren with thinly pressed lips for a second too long. “I think it’s wonderful. It’s amazing that we can help these people, and let them see the light of God again.”“I do too, darling!” Eren’s mother said from the other end of the table.At hearing her agree, panic began to drown Eren. Through his teeth he sucked in quick, desperate breaths, hands trembling from where he dug his nails into his skin so harshly. He didn’t understand why he was reacting so strangely. It wasn’t the first time his mother and father had mentioned how doctors can cure homosexuality. After all, all his life Eren had been told that these people were sick and could be fixed, and that they simply were giving in to sinful desires. So why did his chest painfully ache? Why did his muscles tense to the point it hurt? “On this topic, Rod,” His father spoke again, tone serious as he placed his utensils down to give the mayor his full attention. “Carla and I have discussed this, and alongside our church we’d like to open a new business – one I’d think you’d like.”“Well, what is it, Grisha?”“As I said, I did read that new report, and it sparked something in me. I’ve always loved to help others – hence why I became a doctor, and then a pastor, in the first place. But I feel like we can do something more. Carla and I, we wanted to ask your approval first, however.”Eren stared at his feet underneath the table. He had bit his lip so hard that the metallic taste of blood filled his mouth. Every instinct, every part of him screamed at him to leave; it weaved through his fragmented, pacing thoughts and the panic could be felt in his bones. His father continued, “We’d like to open a new clinic, right across from my medical practice, so we can help those who are sick. At our church, we often receive asks for help from those with homosexual thoughts or concerned parents of their children, however we believe we can help more with a proper clinic, and proper equipment.”
A… clinic?
“That’s wonderful news, Grisha! We only currently have one doctor who does this sort of treatment in Shiganshina, but I’m sure people will feel more comfortable with you as you’re the pastor as well. You have my utter support,” Rod Reiss replied, tone light as if the topic was butterflies and not electrocution.A painful ache spread itself out inside his chest, and his fingers and feet were pricked with a thousand tiny needles. The air around him became thin, as if it wasn't there at all. He wanted to run, to go find Levi and fall into his soothing embrace. Levi would be able to calm the suffocating panic. Levi would be able to make him feel better.
That’s sick. This is sick. It’s so, so, so sick.
When the conversation topic changed Eren relaxed his fists, hissing at the sensation of cool, evening air on the new crescent-moon wounds. The other occupants at the table continued to eat their meals, with Historia complimenting his mother's cooking in a sweet voice that Eren usually found comforting; but after what he had heard it sounded far too sweet, and a part of him wanted to yell at her for being so nice in a moment like this.“Eren,” His father called his name, and Eren’s head snapped up at the sound of it. Grisha took a bite of the fish, gesturing with his fork to Eren’s uneaten meal. “Finish your food, it is a gift from God and your mother worked hard to prepare it. Don’t be ungrateful.”He wanted to protest, to throw the plate across the room; to scream and cry and beg his father and mother not to do something so horrific.Yet Eren stayed still. “Yes, father. I’m sorry.”The words burned like poison on his tongue.After dinner had finished, Eren locked himself in the room away from his family and the Reiss’ family. The words that Rod, his father and mother had said made Eren cold to the bone. They kept replaying in his head, taunting him and echoing in the background as memories of Levi’s gentle touches and kisses flickered in his mind.Was Eren sick? No. No, he wasn’t, he couldn’t be, for Levi had told him that he was not sick, and Levi would never lie to him. It was his mother and father who believed in lies, wasn’t it? Levi, however, had promised Eren to help him be free, that he'd teach Eren the truth. Together, they were doing nothing wrong. Right?Eren wasn't like those people. He wasn't sick.The women in the house had long since gone to bed. Eren laid awake in bed, staring at the plastered ceiling above. With each ticking second, restlessness grew, and it left Eren clenching and unclenching his jaw as he waited for Rod Reiss to leave already, for even now his father and Rod were still speaking in the study. “For Heaven’s sake, Grisha!”Rod’s voice echoed throughout the house. Eren sat straight up in bed, the red quilt falling to his sides. At the sound of the mayor’s irritated words his pulse heightened, and before he could register it his feet were already taking him to the door of his bedroom. He twisted the doorknob, opening the door and wincing at the creaking sound of the wood as he pushed it. Out in the dark, empty hallway, the only light came from the crack underneath the study door opposite from Eren’s.This was not like last time, when Eren had accidentally caught snippets of his father and Rod Reiss’ conversations. This was intentional, and it didn’t bother Eren a bit. He needed to hear something, anything so he could tell Levi, so he could make Levi happy. So I can focus on something else.“I have had six members of my police force killed in the past month. Two of them just a few days ago! And yet you’re saying we should do nothing?”Eren leaned his head against the study door, sucking in deep breaths as his heartbeat pounded in his ears. Rod was talking about the Ackerman family – Eren had figured that out quick.“Listen, Grisha, they’re just selfish heathens who are holding a grudge over something that happened a decade ago. We need to get rid of them, and it’ll be fine again.”“And how in the world do you plan to do that? Did you forget who exactly the Ackermans are?” His father snapped back, his voice sounded strained, a bitterness edge to it.His fingertips, pressed gently against the study door, shook as Eren held his breath.“No, I didn’t, and neither have you since you hold one of those bastards so close to you!”Eren jumped back at the sound of a fist hitting wood, eyes staring wide at the door in front of him. A painful ache wrapped around his chest, pushing any air out of him and restricting the beating of his heart. Gulping down the knot in his throat Eren rushed back into his room, slowing down to gently shut his door and close himself off from the outside.Heaving, he leaned his hands on his knees, legs shaking from the words he had just heard. It all was too much, and Eren wanted to run out of his house and find Levi as soon as possible. After all the horrible things he had heard his father and Rod say about the Ackermans – that they’re criminals, with violence running through their veins – apparently one of them is so close to Eren’s family?If they were so dangerous as his father had said, why would he put his family in danger?He needed to tell Levi. Levi would know what to do. “Eren,” Levi asked from beside him, as they walked through the southern streets of Shiganshina. There was a cold breeze on Thursday afternoon, and the surrounding streets were mostly empty in this side of town. Eren had never been this far away from home. The town square had long been passed behind them. Decaying autumn leaves twirled in the wind beneath their feet, briefly reminding Eren that it was already the start of November. Levi squeezed his hand, and continued to ask: “What’s wrong? You’re quiet, angel.”Eren scuffed the top of his shoes against the cobbled street beneath him, his heart sinking at Levi’s concern. He leaned his head on Levi’s shoulder, unsure where to start. So much happened during Tuesday evening – his parents believed electrocuting people would cure them, and now there is apparently an Ackerman member close to his family – and it left his thoughts fragmented, like pieces of an unsolvable puzzle.“At… dinner, on Tuesday, the Reiss family were there,” Eren decided to start. At recalling their words his heart began to pace, and Eren gulped down an anxious knot in his throat. Tears blurred his vision and he scrunched his eyes closed, breathing deeply to try and calm the storm of panic. “They- they’re so awful, Levi! I- I- I can’t-”Warm, strong arms wrapped around him and pulled Eren into a tight hug. There were Levi’s fingers running through his hair, the other hand on the curve of Eren’s back. He breathed in the comforting scent of vanilla – of Levi – and let himself cry quietly into Levi’s chest.“Breathe, angel. Did they hurt you, hmm? What happened? Talk to me,” Levi murmured. Gently he guided Eren backwards until they were out of the middle of the road.“They said… Oh, Levi, it’s so horrible, they said they can cure people…” Eren sniffled, pulling back to gaze up at Levi. “They can… they can cure people of homosexuality by electrocuting them. And my father wants- wants to open a clinic so he can fix people and-”Levi’s hands reached up to cup Eren’s face, and he leaned in to press a soft kiss to Eren’s forehead that left him sighing. The tender touch calmed the pacing of Eren’s heart, and he rested his head on Levi’s shoulder once more. For a moment the pair of them were silent, unsure what to speak.“Eren.” Levi said, arms curling around Eren’s waist. His voice was soft as he spoke. “There’s… nothing wrong with these people, and you can’t cure them or change them. Sometimes, boys feel attracted to boys, and girls feel attracted to girls, and it’s okay. It’s healthy, normal, natural.”In Levi’s embrace Eren shook his head. His stomach twisted, and tears burned his eyes as he sucked in heaving, shaking breaths. Painful, bitter memories of his childhood flashed to the front of his mind and Eren wanted to scream and cry at the possible thought that it had all been for nothing.
“Boys don’t do those things with other boys, Eren!” His mother yelled from where she crouched in front of a crying, eight-year-old Eren, and harshly yanked on his wrists. “Do not do that again.”
Eren’s eyes flickered to where his father stood behind them, arms over his chest and a scowl across his face. He didn’t understand why they were so angry. All he did was hold hands with a boy from church.
To think that they were wrong, that they had always been wrong… it felt as if Eren had been dunked in a lake full of ice-cold water, waking him up from this false dream that he’d been living in. Why did they lie to him? Why did they keep him from the truth? Why do they hate these people?Was Eren like these people?"It's... okay?" Eren's voice cracked as he whispered, and he leaned back and gazed up at Levi with reddened eyes. "You can't fix them?""That's exactly right, angel.""But the Lord says it's wrong, and my parents-""Your God and your parents have lied to you your entire life, none of those things are true," Levi said, hand reaching up to brush the stray tears off of Eren's blushing cheeks. A strong gust of wind left Eren shivering in Levi's embrace, and the other boy noticed. "Here, let's go home. My house is just up the street. We'll get you out of the cold."Eren let himself be pulled by Levi down the rest of the street, wiping the way the rest of his tears with the back of his hand. Whatever his mother and father had told him in the past did not matter anymore. It still hurt, and it still made Eren want to hide away - for how could his parents support something so cruel? - but Levi said they were wrong. But it was written in the Bible - it was an abomination, punishable by death - but Levi said his God was wrong, too.But how could God be wrong? Eren had always been taught that his God never made mistakes.However, over the past few months, Eren had learned one thing: Levi was always right. If Levi said his parents, and his God were wrong, then it must be true. Right? After all, sins were meant to make you feel bad and make you want to ask for forgiveness. Eren never felt gross, or sinful around Levi, and he never felt the need to ask for forgiveness, either. It was everyone else that lied to Eren, but never Levi. Levi only wanted Eren to be free.The two boys stopped in front of a house. From the outside, it looked the same as any other in the street. A little older, a little more run-down than the house Eren lived in. It had been built with dark oak, white plaster with a stone brick base. A large square, Georgian-style window was next to the door that Levi pushed open, and he pulled Eren inside.Inside was warm, with a faint smell of fire smoke. The hallway was painted a shade of light blue, and there were large, strange plants that hung down from the ceiling. Eren reached out to touch it, but recoiled when Levi said they were Isabel’s plants that Hanji had given her for her birthday, and can only be touched with gloves. He didn’t understand why Isabel would have plants you cannot touch with bare hands, or why anyone would have them in their house, but he ignored it.The hallway went left, and the window from outside lit it up. In awe Eren followed Levi down it and into a large, open room. There was a fireplace burning on the left wall, with a large, blood-red couch decorated with colourful cushions placed in front of it. Next to the fireplace was a wooden door with a large lock and metal bar over it, and Eren wondered where it could possibly lead to, but he didn't ask. More strange exotic plants hung from the ceiling, and some were lined in pots underneath a large window directly opposite of the entrance doorway.A square table sat behind the couch, and behind the table were stairs to what Eren presumed was the bedrooms and bathroom. Opposite the table was an open kitchen – it was different to Eren’s house, which had the kitchen closed off to the living room – and it had wooden details with a marble bench-top. On the walls hung posters of plants, animals and the occasional drawings as well. Eren had never seen so much personality in one house in his entire life.He followed Levi who sat down on the red couch, and a small squeak left his lips when Levi's arms curled around his waist and pulled Eren onto his lap. Heat rose to his cheeks at the feeling of Levi’s toned body beneath him – and possibly also because of the warm fireplace – and a shy smile etched itself across Eren's face. “About what you said earlier, baby,” Levi said. He pressed a finger to Eren’s chin, prompting the boy to meet his somber gaze. “Don’t let your mother and father, or your God, make you feel like you’re sick, or wrong, or anything like that. It’s perfectly okay to want to be with boys.”He wanted to ask. He wanted Levi to tell him if he’s the same.“Am… am I like them? Am I the same as those people my parents think they can cure?” Eren whispered, voice cracking at the anxiety rising in his stomach. In his chest there was a painful throbbing at his question, and hopeless tears glassed over his eyes.A part of him already knew the answer to that question. Eren had known it for years, but he’d pushed the answer so far down inside of him, to the darkest and most isolated areas where he believed that nobody – not even himself – would find it. Bitter memories of his parent's disappointment, their harsh words and vile threats were wrapped around the cage he kept this secret in, serving as a reminder to Eren why he could never let it out. A long time ago he had learned to be ashamed of this feeling.He knew the answer.He’d always known the answer.“Maybe. It’s not my place to tell you who you are, Eren, that’s for you to realise,” Levi’s hands caressed the sides of Eren’s face, brushing away the single tears on his cheeks.“Are you like them?”The question hanged in the air, the words having rolled off Eren’s tongue before he could catch them. He watched as Levi’s eyes widened ever so slightly, his lips falling open before he shut them again. They curled into a small smile as one of Levi’s hands moved to rest on the back of Eren’s head.“Yes.”With that simple word, his heart cracked. It felt as if Eren had been stabbed with a thousand burning knives and they all twisted inside of him at once, ripping him into pieces. He knew then that his mother and father would loathe Levi. They’d demand that he would be electrocuted – no, tortured – until Levi believed he was someone else. They’d want the beautiful, kind, wonderful Levi to change, to become someone different. It made him burn with a underlying hatred towards his parents. He didn't want to understand why they could be so cruel, he didn't want to know their reasons; for there was nothing, in Eren's mind, that could justify it. It was inhumane. He bit his lip, taking in the boy before him as if Levi would suddenly disappear. He didn't want Levi to change. He wanted to protect Levi, to keep him safe from his mother and father who would only demand that he'd be hurt.“I- I don’t know if I am,” Eren said in a small voice, ignoring his thoughts. The answer was there – dangling on the tip of Eren’s tongue – yet he still pushed it down, pretended that it didn’t exist. After all, perhaps it was only Levi. It didn’t mean Eren have to be like that. He didn’t have to be different, right? He could like girls. He continued, “I don’t know how… how I’m meant to know.”“Do you want to kiss girls?” Levi asked.Silence.Eren thought about all the girls in his life. There was Ymir, and she made Eren laugh and had pretty freckles across her nose like Levi did. Then there was Sasha, and she gave good hugs, but they weren’t as warm and comforting as Levi’s. Historia was also a good friend of Eren’s, and she had really beautiful eyes, but they were in no way as beautiful as Levi’s eyes. Nothing sparked in Eren when he thought about kissing Ymir, or Sasha, or Historia. No warmth, no giggling happiness, no tingles that left him breathless. Nothing.After a moment, Eren shook his head.“Do you want to hold their hands? Be their boyfriend, and have them as your girlfriend?”“Why would I want a girlfriend?” Eren said, eyebrows furrowing at the thought. Jean and Armin talked about dating girls all the time, but Eren never understood why. Girls were pretty, and kind, and made Eren laugh but the thought of kissing them or being their boyfriend never occurred to him. It seemed boring, bland, something that Eren would have no interest in at all.“Don’t ask me,” Levi chuckled, thumb stroking the silent tears on Eren’s cheeks. “I don’t want one.”“You… you want a boyfriend?”“Perhaps. But I’ve never had one.”“Why not?” Eren’s hands curled around Levi’s neck. He blinked away stray tears, “You’re really cute.”“My work, I suppose. It gets in the way,” Levi said, before softly pressing his lips against Eren’s. Eren leaned into the touch, eyes fluttering close, heart skipping a beat at the feeling. Even without kissing a girl, Eren was certain it could never feel this good.Levi pulled back, a smirk playing on his lips. “But, there is one boy I’d let be mine.”Eren's gaze fell to the ground, mouth agape in a silent oh. He wanted to know who the boy was, and he lifted his gaze back up to Levi. Yet, Eren couldn’t ask for a second later Levi kissed him again, taking advantage of Eren’s open mouth to slide his tongue in. They moved against each other, and Eren’s heart leaped at the way Levi cupped the sides of his face as they kissed. Eren sighed into the kiss, and a begging whine left his throat when Levi pulled away.“Is it not obvious?” Levi said, pressing their foreheads together. “It’s you.”
Me?
Without thinking about it Eren’s lips curled into a grin. His heart blossomed with such warmth, happiness and love that it filled each crevice and corner inside him. It felt as if was a beautiful spring day, and there were wild flowers all around and the sound of gentle music in his ears, but it also felt as if he had been hugged with such warmth, care and comfort that all his worries had melted away. Most of all, it felt better than anything else Eren had ever experienced. Pure joy wrapped itself around him and any thoughts of his mother and father left his mind completely. Biting his lip to hold back the sudden giggle that threatened to spill Eren pushed his head into the crook of Levi’s neck, his cheeks a rose red as he became almost overwhelmed with a lovesick feeling.
Maybe I am like those people.
Pulling him out of his racing thoughts Levi grabbed his chin, forcing Eren to look up. A small blush painted Levi’s cheeks a pretty pink, and at this far away from Levi, Eren could see each freckle that dusted his nose and reminded him of stars, and the hues of blue and grey that twirled in Levi's eyes and reminded him of sapphires. The only reason that Eren sat on Levi’s lap, in Levi’s house is because he had asked about the apples Levi had been shoving into his bag. It was something so coincidental, so simple and yet here they were. It had been well over a month now – they met late September, and now it was early November – and Levi had weaved his way into Eren’s heart so quickly.What was life before Levi? Eren could barely remember.“Eren,” Levi said, still holding Eren’s face firmly in his hands. “If you want me to… I’ll be yours.”“Y-You’ll be mine?”“Yes. I’ll be all yours, and nobody else’s,” One of Levi’s hands left his cheek and intertwined with Eren’s instead. He pressed Eren’s hand against Levi’s chest, Eren felt Levi’s strong muscles beneath the fabric of his shirt and the steady beating of his heart. Levi continued, “And I will do… anything that you want me to. All you have to do is tell me.”Levi let his hand go, but Eren still pressed it firmly against Levi’s chest. Slowly he inched it further down, a warmth beginning to coil in his stomach. He wanted to feel Levi’s bare skin against his, he wanted to kiss Levi and feel the same, blissful heat that they did last Saturday. It didn't matter whether it was sinful or wrong anymore. “You’ll do anything I-I want you to?” Eren breathed out, head hazy with the sudden desire to press himself against Levi and to kiss the boy until their lips were bruised. “What will I be? To you?”His gaze flickered back up to Levi’s, and he watched as the corner of Levi’s lips tugged up into the wicked smirk that Eren adored. The other boy leaned forward, gently kissing Eren.“It’s simple. I will be all yours, and you’ll be all mine,” Levi mumbled against Eren’s lips and Eren sighed, kissing Levi again as his hand gripped the front of Levi’s shirt. “We’ll belong to each other. You’ll do anything I ask, and I’ll do anything you want me to. Would you… like that?”
I am like those people. It’s pointless to deny it anymore.
“I’m already yours,” Eren whispered, and he gasped when Levi kissed him suddenly. There was a passion, a burning desire in the kiss that left Eren’s skin tingling. He let Levi’s tongue slip into his mouth, both his hands gripping the hem of Levi’s shirt as Levi’s hands moved to rest on the curve of Eren’s lower back. He moaned into the silence, savouring the taste and feel of Levi. At the feeling of Levi’s hand slipping between the waistband of Eren’s jeans he whimpered, pushing into the kiss, letting the warmth that pooled in his stomach grow. When Levi started to pull down his pants Eren lifted himself up. After a moment of moving around Levi’s lap, not once breaking the kiss, the pants were off and discarded somewhere along the floor.The only sound was that of their kisses, their hitched breaths and the occasional crackle of burning firewood to their side. Nothing else mattered in this moment, and Eren couldn’t help but drown himself in the feeling of happiness, of arousal, of Levi.He tugged on the ends of Levi’s shirt. The other boy pulled back and Eren pouted at the loss of contact, but when Levi swiftly pulled of his shirt to reveal his toned torso, the first signs of a smile tugged on the corner of Eren’s lips. He panted and gulped down the cool evening air to try and cool himself down; but it failed as his eyes fell to Levi’s chest, the sculpted muscles and the beautiful, pale skin. Warmth grew, and Eren knew his face was flushed pink at the sight. Few scars covered Levi’s torso and Eren frowned, fingers reaching up to trace the faded white marks.“What happened?” He whispered, voice coarse.“Just some things from work,” Levi said. He pulled Eren down into another kiss, and any further questions were lost as Levi’s tongue slid into Eren’s mouth once more. On instinct he rocked his hips against Levi, toes curling at the shiver of pleasure that sparked. Eren’s boxers were tight again, and as he continued to grind and move against the other boy he could tell that Levi felt the same.They moaned, gasped and groaned against each other, chasing the heat and pleasure that they desired. There was a blissful feeling that sent him trembling at the friction, and Eren couldn’t help but smile into Levi’s kisses. Everything felt so good. He didn’t want it to end.“Let’s… Let’s go upstairs, baby,” Levi said, ending the kiss. His hands gripped around Eren’s thighs and together they stood up, Eren’s legs wrapping around Levi’s waist. Desperately Eren kissed Levi’s lips, and then his cheeks before working his way around Levi’s jawline. He found the sweet spot just below the upper part of Levi’s jaw and kissed it tenderly, before nibbling on the sensitive skin and drawing a large, deep moan from Levi. He sucked and bit softly on the area, wanting to leave a mark, wanting everyone to know that Levi was all Eren’s, and nobody else’s.Eren barely noticed that they had moved up the stairs until Levi kicked open a door. Curtains were drawn over the window, showering the room in dim light. Levi walked forward until they reached a bed, and he gently let Eren down onto the soft mattress. When Levi crawled over him, his knees on either side of Eren’s legs, his heart began to pound widely in his chest. He stared up at the boy on top of him, eyes-wide and hands trembling a little by his side. Never has Eren been in a position like this. He knew Levi would never hurt him, but a part of Eren wondered whether Levi would find Eren terrible, ugly, too innocent.His breaths became short and quick. Panic rose up in the back of his throat.“Hey, hey, shh,” Levi said, fingers reaching up to trace Eren’s jaw. “Deep breaths. Do you want me to stop? We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”Eren shook his head, his heart fluttering at Levi’s gentle words.“W-What do… do you want to do?” Eren said, voice small and weak as his arms wrapped around Levi’s neck, pulling the other boy closer to him. “I don’t know what we’re meant to do…”“We can go slow, angel. There’s no need to rush,” Levi pressed a kiss to Eren’s forehead, his hands coming up to pull at the bottom of Eren’s shirt. “We don’t have to do everything today.”Levi’s hands brushing against the lower part of Eren’s torso sent sparks and shivers dancing across his skin. Without needing to be asked he put his arms up, letting Levi remove his shirt. He pushed his head to the side, scrunching his eyes closed and throwing one arm across his face to hide the deepening blush. Eren didn’t want to see Levi’s reaction to his body. He’d already seen Eren shirtless before, at the river two Mondays ago, but this time it was different.“Don’t hide your face, I want to see my boyfriend,” Levi said, and Eren's heart skipped a beat at being called boyfriend. Levi's fingers wrapped around Eren’s wrist gently and pulled it away. Levi smiled, soaking in the view before him before he leaned down, gently pressing a quick kiss Eren’s lips. “There. You’re so fucking beautiful, Eren.”Eren whimpered.Levi sat on Eren’s hips. Silently, Eren watched as Levi unbuckled his pants and pulled them off, leaving both of the boys in only their boxers. Levi’s were white, and Eren bit back the shy smile at the sight of the hard, thick length beneath the fabric.“Do you want me to suck you off, hmm?” Levi cocked his head to the side, hands running up and down Eren’s bare chest. One hand found Eren’s nipple and when Levi twisted it between his fingers Eren gasped, pressing his head further into the mattress at the sudden jolt of pleasure.“I-I don’t know what you mean, but- but okay, ah!”Levi’s hand found his way to Eren’s hard cock, and he palmed it through the boxers. Eren choked, holding back a whimper as his eyes rolled to the back of his head. His skin tingled at the blissful feeling, and the warmth in the pit of his stomach grew. There was Levi’s deep chuckle in his ear and Eren gripped the sheets beside him, desperately needing to hold onto something.When Levi slipped his fingers beneath the waistband of his boxers and pulled them down Eren hissed at the sensation of cool air. He pushed his head to the side again, one hand coming up to cover his eyes. Nobody had ever seen Eren naked before. He didn’t know what to think of it.Ba-thump, Ba-thump, Ba-thump. If Eren looked down, he was almost certain he would be able to see his heart beating against the skin. Everything was so new, things Eren had never even thought of. But Levi was gentle, and Levi would never hurt Eren. Levi thought Eren was beautiful. It would be okay.Levi’s fingers wrapped around his wrist and pulled his arm away once more. Eren’s eyes flickered down to see Levi hovering over the lower part of Eren’s body, legs on either side, Eren’s hard, leaking cock resting against his stomach. Levi smirked at him, and Eren’s hips jerked upwards when he felt Levi press a slight kiss one of Eren’s hipbones.“I told you not to cover your eyes, angel,” Levi said. Eren had no time to reply before suddenly Levi’s lips pressed a kiss to the head of his cock. A tremor of pleasure traveled down Eren’s body as a whining, loud gasp left his lips, and he scrunched his eyes closed once more.When Levi's lips wrapped around the head of Eren's cock he resisted the urge to thrust up into Levi's mouth. It was warm and wet; Eren didn’t know what Levi was doing, but it sent shock-waves of arousal throughout him as he arched his back off the bed. His hands found their way to Levi’s hair and he grabbed fistfuls of it, a low groan leaving him as Levi took more of his cock into his mouth.“Fuck, fuck, ah, Levi- Oh, ah!” Eren gasped. Levi began to suck, hollowing his cheeks as he took Eren’s entire length into his mouth. Levi moaned around the length, his tongue pressed flat against the underside. He bobbed up and down before pulling off with a pop, chuckling as it earned him another high-pitched whimper from Eren.“Do you like that, hmm?” Levi asked, a hand wrapped around the base of Eren's cock, slowly going up and down to draw out a whine from Eren. “Please,” Eren croaked out, opening his glassy eyes to stare down at Levi. “Do it again.”Levi smirked, remaining eye contact as he licked the underside of Eren’s length, the sight so arousing Eren's mouth fell open in awe as he watched Levi press kisses along it. He swirled his tongue around the head of Eren’s cock and Eren moaned, hips jolting up at the touch, a silent beg for more, more and more.He took Eren’s cock in his mouth again, sucking a little bit harder, the friction so wickedly good that Eren pushed up into the heat. Levi’s tongue ran along the sensitive underside of his length, adding to the blissful pressure in Eren’s stomach. His legs shook as Levi pulled back again, only press soft kisses that earned another broken, desperate whimper from Eren.Eren’s hands went limp in Levi’s hair and dropped to the side as he struggled to maintain a grip on anything. It wasn’t like last Saturday – this felt better, the heat was hotter and quicker and all Eren wanted was for Levi to take him in his mouth fully again. Eren needed it, craved it, and he couldn’t resist the urge to thrust his hips up at every small touch. Levi licked along up Eren’s cock, before his gaze flickered to where Eren struggled to keep his eyes open. He looked to Eren through his lashes, a smile curling his lips. “Do you want me to keep going? Want me to make you feel good, hmm?”“Yes, ah, fuck, yes,” Eren groaned out. When Levi sucked Eren’s length into his mouth again his back arched off the mattress, a gasping Levi falling from his lips. The other boy moaned around it, the vibrations giving him another spark of pleasure.Levi pulled off again, but continued to press kisses up and down Eren’s sensitive, leaking cock. He chuckled at the way Eren trembled under his touch, “You taste so good.”Eren threw his head back, hands grasping at nothing by his side. Levi kissed the top of his cock before placing his lips around the head once more, hallowing his cheeks as he took Eren’s length fully into his mouth. His pace quickened, his hands finding their way to massage Eren’s balls that made Eren start to beg.“Please, please, Levi, ah, fuck- I need it! Please! Go- Go faster!”Levi obeyed, sucking, kissing and licking Eren’s cock as he whined and gasped underneath. Within moments Eren’s entire body shuddered. Blinding pleasure turned his vision white and he arched off the bed, the pure arousal becoming too much as he chanted Levi’s name in a broken cry. The other boy continued to suck around his cock through Eren’s orgasm, each jolt of pleasure making Eren shake. He groaned, silent tears of pleasure rolling down his cheek as the sensation of Levi around him became overwhelming. When Levi finally pulled away Eren sighed, panting into thin air as he relaxed his curled, trembling fists by his side. His body went limp, and Eren wondered where in the world Levi learned to do something like that. Levi crawled up over him, kissing his forehead as Eren continued to inhale in heaving, panting breaths. The other boy pressed kisses all over Eren’s face quickly and gently, murmuring soft phrases of praise and making Eren giggle as he opened his eyes.“You okay?” Levi asked, hovering over him and Eren nodded, smiling as Levi nuzzled his cheek into the crook of Eren’s neck for a moment before giving Eren another tender kiss. "You did so well, baby." Eren’s gaze flickered to Levi’s clothed, hard cock. He bit his lip, eyeing Levi again as his hands hesitantly found their way to Levi’s hips. “Do you… want me to… uh, ha, suck you off?”“Do you want to?” Levi quirked a brow, his lips curling into a smirk when Eren eagerly nodded. He’d never sucked someone off before – but if it felt as good as it had just felt for Eren – then he wanted to make Levi feel that, too. He wanted to feel Levi’s cock in his mouth, he wanted to see how he tasted and he wanted to hear Levi moan and groan because of Eren.From downstairs, there was the sound of a door being pushed open.Eren tensed. Levi sighed.“That’ll be Kenny, probably.” Levi said. He winked at Eren, "We'll have to finish this later, I suppose."Levi left Eren blushing and stuttering over his words, rolling over and standing up from the bed. Eren pouted, disappointed that he won’t be able to feel Levi in his mouth. Levi leaned down to the floor, picking up his discarded pants and putting them on with slight effort. “I’ll go get your pants, wait here for me.” Levi said, and left.Eren hazily nodded, mind still clouded after his orgasm. He took the opportunity to look around the room. He assumed it was Levi’s, and he felt his heart fill with happiness at knowing he was in Levi’s – his boyfriend’s – room. The quilt underneath him was a dark blue cover, and the bed sat alongside one wall with the window beside it. Next to the bed and under the window was a wooden table, with a lantern and… silver knives?
Levi does live in the southern side of town. Maybe he’s worried someone might break in?
Opposite the bed was a desk, and a dark leather jacket hung over the chair. Piles of neatly stacked books were against the wall on the desk, and a half-burned candle sat in the corner. Next to the desk stood a large, blue-painted wardrobe. In the wall opposite from the end of the bed was the door to the hallway. Pinned around the door were more posters of plants, as well as a large, worn-down map of Shiganshina.A few minutes later Levi came back. After both of them were properly dressed they made their way downstairs, and Eren shyly said hello when his eyes landed on Kenny sitting at the table. Three cups of boiling tea were in front of him and Levi sat down. Eren followed, with Kenny looking up from the newspaper on the other side of Levi. Levi’s hand rested on Eren’s thigh, thumb gently brushing over it.“Heya’, Eren, long time no see!” Kenny said, sipping on the tea. “How ya’ been?”Eren replied saying he had been good, and leaned in a little to Levi’s side. He took a sip of the tea, the warm liquid sliding down his throat. His cheeks were still flushed pink from the previous activities, his head still buzzing from the blinding pleasure.“Mhm, that’s great, kiddo’. Hey, Levi told me ya’ found some things in ya’ father’s study?”
The study.
Fuck.
Eren gulped down the mouthful of tea, letting the cup fall against the table a little bit too hard. With widened eyes he looked at the two men before him, sucking in an anxious breath as his mind replayed the words he had heard from his father and Rod Reiss on Tuesday night.“Eren?” Levi furrowed his eyebrows at him, one hand reaching out to rest on top of Eren’s. "You remember what we found on Saturday, right?"“Yes, but - sorry, I forgot to tell you - but that’s the other thing that happened on Tuesday,” Eren paused, taking in a deep breath to calm the pacing of his heart. “I didn’t get to break into the study again – I’m so sorry, Levi, but – I heard them speaking, and they were talking about the Ackermans again. I’m sure of it.”Both Kenny and Levi’s gazes narrowed.“What they say?” Kenny asked, sipping slowly on his tea.“I don’t really understand it. Rod was angry, he was talking about military police being killed and saying they have to basically do something now,” Eren said.“Hmm? Anything else, baby?” Levi pushed, squeezing Eren’s hand.Eren bit his lip, gaze falling to the steaming cup of tea in front of him. It still had not sunk in what his father had said next. It made no sense, and after all Eren’s father had said about the Ackerman family it made Eren’s stomach twist with worry. Why would he do such a thing?“My father said they won’t hurt my family, and then Rod said something about getting rid of them, so… so then… then my father asked Rod if he’d forgotten who the Ackermans are, and… and…”“Eren, it’s okay. You can tell us,” Kenny said from beside Levi.“He… well, I don’t know what he meant. It’s weird,” Eren looked up, catching Kenny and Levi’s gaze. “Rod then said he hasn’t forgotten, and that my father hasn’t too because one of them is close to us.”He whispered the last few words, eyes flickering between Kenny and Levi’s, a knot forming in the back of his throat. Since Tuesday afternoon Eren had pondered for hours about what his father had meant. He’d gone over every single person that was close to his family – Armin and his grandfather, his classmates, Rico from the military police, and basically every other person that attended their church – but still, Eren had no idea who his father meant. Nobody Eren knew had the last name Ackerman.Levi stiffened, his jaw clenching. “Is that all he said?”“Yes. But- But he didn’t say it in a way that made it sound like this Ackerman person was… threatening them, or something. I don’t understand it at all! Aren’t they meant to be dangerous?” Eren said. He gripped onto Levi’s hand, his nerves making his stomach twist.Kenny took another sip of his tea before he asked, “Did they say anything about who it was?”Eren shook his head. “Nothing. But, I think, whatever it is… it’s mutual.”“Someone’s betrayed them,” Levi said, voice low like a growl and he clenched his fists until the knuckles turned bone white. Confusion crossed Eren’s mind at the sight and he squeezed Levi’s hand in his own. When his boyfriend looked up to him with furrowed brows Eren smiled; he didn’t know why Levi seemed so irritated, but Eren wanted to help ease it. It made his heart sink whenever he saw Levi upset or irritated.“Thank you for telling us this, angel,” Levi breathed out, face relaxing as he leaned over to press a kiss to Eren’s forehead. “Maybe next time, when you’re free, you try to look in the study again. See if there’s any more information about this… strange Ackerman person.”“Of course! I’ll do anything for you,” Eren said, before his eyes widened at the realisation of his words. He blushed, stuttering over random sounds as his gaze flickered to Kenny. The man chuckled, shaking his head as he smiled. Eren relaxed. It was okay. “Ah,” Kenny checked his wrist, where a watch had been tied around it. “It’s nearing five o’clock. Don’t ya’ have to get home soon, Eren?”Eren sighed, and nodded. He didn’t feel like going home, but he knew he had too.“I’ll walk you home,” Levi said, standing up and pulling Eren with him. Eren smiled, and said his goodbyes to Kenny before they left through the front door. Outside the sun had started to set in the sky, painting it colours of gold and pink that bled into hues of indigo and deep blue. The two lovers walked hand and hand through the deserted streets, enjoying each other's company and the view of the setting sun. Each time Eren looked over to Levi his heart blossomed with love. He couldn’t hide the grin on his face, or the lovesick tone of his voice whenever he talked. He’d never felt so happy.How could something that made Eren smile so wide till his cheeks hurt, and made his heart feel full, be sinful? "Do you want to meet again on Sunday?" Levi said as they passed through the southern archway of the town square. "Can't I see you earlier?""Baby," Levi chuckled, stopping mid step to turn and face Eren. "I'm just a little busy for the next few days. What, do you think I won't be yours by the time I come back?" At those words Eren's heart flipped, and he childishly rolled his eyes before pushing his face into the crook of Levi's neck, hiding his smile. He wrapped his arm's around Levi's waist, enjoying the warmth and the comfort of the embrace. "No...""Will you still be mine when I come back?" He pulled away. Eren's hands reached up to rest on the side's of Levi's face, and he glanced around them to see if anybody was watching - the town square was empty, to his delight - before kissing Levi softly. It was gentle and slow, and against his lips Eren mumbled: "I'll always be yours." He was lucky to have Levi with him. Without Levi, Eren would have been controlled by his mother and father for the rest of his life. A little over a month ago he believed in their lies - that cursing was wrong, that alcohol was terrible for him and that kissing boys was disgusting. They controlled him like a little puppet, trying to mold Eren into the perfect son they always desired. They had expected him to become a doctor, marry a pretty woman and follow in his father's footsteps as the next pastor without ever asking what Eren wanted to do. Eren believed that that was his fate, his future, and he would be unable to change it. Until he met Levi.Perhaps Eren did feel a little bit lonely – he hadn’t hung out with Armin as much as they used to, and he’d fought with Mikasa a lot more than they used to – but that didn’t matter. It was not like Eren had stopped seeing them completely, for he still saw Armin at school, and he still saw Mikasa everyday. But there was Levi now too, and Levi was only trying to help Eren. He wanted Eren to be safe, and to be happy. That's all.It felt as if Eren had finally reached a turning page in his life. Knowing that for all these years, ever since he was a child, the shame and guilt he felt for this hidden secret he kept was because of lies made himself feel a little bit lighter. He walked with a spring in his step, a grin on his face and love in his heart. With Levi by his side, Eren felt okay. Maybe sometimes his parents, and also his God, were wrong. He wasn't sick, there was nothing wrong with him, and slowly but surely Eren was breaking free from the chains draped around him. It was so simple.He would finally become free.All Eren had to do is follow Levi’s every word.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
PART TWO: LOVESICK
Eren and Levi are lovers now. Every night Eren dreams of Levi, he craves his touch, and wants nothing more to spend as much time by the older boy’s side. With each passing day, Eren is more certain that they are doing nothing wrong. Besides, if it was so wrong, then why did it feel so good?
His sister and best friend both tell Eren that he’s distant, yet Eren continues to say no to spending time with them in order to see the blue-eyed boy and his beautiful smile. When the lines between right and wrong start to become blurred, a fading part of Eren knows he should be concerned.
After all, Eren loves his family, his friends, and his God more than anything, and he doesn’t want to make them upset. He would hate to see them hurt. Right?
Two Weeks Later
On Monday, almost two weeks after Eren and Levi had become lovers, Erwin released the mathematics results. Eren knew that Mikasa would be frustrated. Confused, upset, and perhaps she may have even asked what had gone wrong. Yet, what Eren did not expect, was for her to stand up in class and defy Erwin in front of all of her classmates.“I believe you’ve made a mistake, Mr Smith,” Mikasa said, “I thoroughly checked my quiz before I handed it in. I don’t think I made any mistakes, I studied over all the topics.”Eren sat cold in his seat, stiff as concrete as he stared wide eyed at his sister. Moments before there had been a rumbling chatter among his classmates over the test results. He’d been twisted in his seat, chuckling at Ymir’s eye rolls at her eighteen out of thirty. Then, there was the scraping of the chair against the wooden floor as Mikasa abruptly stood up, and pushed the class into silence.“Are you questioning my skills as a teacher, Miss Jaeger?” Erwin’s voice boomed over the classroom. He sat at the front of the room, an eyebrow raised as he took a slow sip on a glass of water on his desk.“Well… Sir, I just… don’t think that…”“Don’t think what? Use your words. You are not a child.”Inside his chest Eren’s heartbeat pounded, and the air had been choked out of his throat. He knew what Mikasa had been thinking. The stares of his classmates – Jean, Ymir, Connie, Armin – all burned into him. They knew, as much as Eren did, what Mikasa was about to say.I know the results aren’t true… but I still thought she would be happy for me. At least. Mikasa sucked in a deep breath, pressing her hands firmly against the desk. “I simply do not believe that Eren would receive a grade higher than me, and especially in mathematics. That is all.”He clenched his fists, biting hard down on his lip to stop the childish tears. It felt like a stabbing pain, making Eren almost wince when he heard his sister talk. For some time, Eren had believed that Mikasa was different than his parents. He believed that she truly thought Eren could do better, could be better, but alas it wasn’t true. She, and Eren’s parents, were the same.Levi would have known that.A moment of agonising silence passed. By now, everyone in the class had turned their eyes to Eren – except for Mikasa, who stood as still as before – and Eren felt the need to run away build up inside of him. Out of the corner of his eye who could see the looks on their faces, and it made him want to cry out and tell them to go away. It was not stares of embarrassment, or humour that were fixated on their faces. It was pity. They pitied Eren, and Eren hated it.He didn’t need their pity, or their empathy. He knew that deep down inside, all of his classmates silently agreed with Mikasa. None of them truly believed Eren could ever be as good as his adopted sister. She always topped every class, every test, every examination. Eren’s lacking achievement in comparison to Mikasa had been the punchline of many jokes over the schooling years.Eren’s mind snapped back into focus when he heard Erwin stand up. The blond man’s eyes scanned the room, a crease formed between his brows. When their gazes locked, the need to defend himself against Mikasa’s words rose up inside of him.“Do you really think that lowly of your brother? How harsh,” Erwin said. He shook his head, walking around the desk and towards Mikasa. A harsh gasp could be heard from the collective students, and Eren almost – almost – wanted to smile. Erwin stopped in front of Mikasa’s desk. “You made some mistakes. Deal with it, and move on. Eren received a higher grade than you. It’s as simple as that.”Mikasa stuttered for a few moments, and at this Eren couldn’t hide the small smile that tugged on his lips. Even though Mikasa was right – Eren technically did not receive a better grade than her – seeing his sister, for once in his life, be told that Eren can achieve better than her filled Eren with such a satisfaction that he loved it.“I’m- No- No! Of course I don’t think lowly of Eren, but-”“If you don’t think lowly of him, then why are you questioning me about your grades and Eren’s? If I were you, Miss Jaeger, I’d apologise to your brother for insulting his intelligence like this.”With that, Mikasa mumbled a weak apology and sat down in her seat. She didn’t turn around to Eren, and for the rest of the day she had sat in silent bitterness. Eren, however, felt over the moon. At first he thought it would be upsetting to see his sister feel disheartened, but the feeling that Eren was better than her, even if it was fake, overpowered it.Besides, what Levi had said two weeks ago was right. Mikasa always made Eren feel terrible about himself. Why should he feel sympathy for her, when she finally receives at taste of what Eren had been feeling like for years? “You… what?” Eren’s father stumbled out, dropping his utensils on his plate. “A… a twenty-eight? Are you sure that your marks and Mikasa’s were not switched?”Outside it was dark, night having fallen. The fireplace was lit and crackling in the living room, heating up the bricked house. Mikasa, Eren and their parents sat at the dinner-table, candles lightening their faces and the plate of cooked beef and roasted vegetables in front of them.When Eren had mentioned his grade he’d expected his parents to be delighted, to smile in joy and tell him he had done so well. For the past days he’d imagined it – his father’s hug, his mother’s warm smile – yet when he had said those words with pride, they stared at him like he’d slapped them.This was not how he imagined this evening to go. Later tonight he was seeing his Levi again. Eren was going to tell his parents about his mark, they would be happy with him and proud of him, and then that evening Levi and Eren would see each other and they’d kiss under the stars. That is what Eren had imagined his evening to be like – full of happiness, pride and love.At his father’s words, frustration began to twist it way up inside Eren. He sighed, a weak smile on his lips as he nodded his head. “Yes, father. I already told you that. I received first place in mathematics!”“How?” His mother said. Eren looked to her, where she sat with creased brows and a slack jaw in disbelief. “You’re not as intelligent as Mikasa. You’ve never been.”An ache spread throughout Eren’s chest. He stuttered over weak words, feeling the embarrassment paint his face a dark red. A silence fell over his family and Eren almost wanted to shout at them, to ask them to say something even somewhat kind to him. Mikasa stared at the plate beside him, not speaking a word as his father and mother glared down at him. Distraught tears pricked at the corner of Eren’s eyes and he started to frantically shake his head, forcing a weak grin across his face.“I- I studied, remember? I’ve been- been going to the library a lot to practice, and-”“I think you two should ask Mr Smith tomorrow to double-check your grades, and make sure your marks haven’t been accidentally switched. I wouldn’t blame him, you both have the same last name,” His father said, taking another bite of his food. Eren watched with glassy eyes as his mother nodded, and finally – after remaining silent for most of the evening – Mikasa looked up.“That’s what I asked him about, but he told me he was sure that the marks weren’t wrong.”With that blinding anger shot up in Eren and he turned to his sister, snapping back: “He told you to stop thinking so lowly of me, since you obviously think I’m stupid and can never do better than you!”“Eren Jaeger, how dare you yell at your sister!” His mother gasped, slamming her hand down on the table hard enough that Eren could feel the vibrations in the wood. “Apologise right now.”The first bitter tears rolled down his flushed cheeks, and Eren shook his head. He breathed in harshly, and spat out through clenched teeth: “She should apologise for thinking I’m stupid.”“I don’t think you’re stupid! I just think that Mr Smith made a mistake-”“You only think he made a mistake because you think that you’re the best at everything and I could never do as well as you!”“But- But I am! I’m not trying to sound arrogant but I always achieve first place, you know this Eren!”Eren’s voice rose to a scream. “Shut the fuck up!”A loud bang echoed throughout the house as his father slammed his fist against the table, shocking the siblings into silence. Eren jumped, a shivering fear running across his skin as he realised what he had said. In the next few moments it was deadly silent. He could hear his own struggling breaths and his sister’s quiet, quick ones beside him. Eren stiffened, staring wide eyed at the table in front of him. Where his father stared at him it burned, but Eren did not dare to meet his gaze. In his ears his heartbeat hammered, pounding so fast and so hard he could feel a sickening knot form in his throat.“How dare you,” Eren’s father started, voice deep and growling. Each word shot through Eren, destroying any small flicker of hope he had for his mother and father’s sympathy towards him. There was a scraping noise as his father stood from his chair. A shadow fell over Eren from behind him. He cowered in on himself, scrunching his eyes close, holding his breath.He made a mistake. This was his punishment.“First, you yell at your sister, secondly, you defy your mother’s orders and accuse your dearest sister thinking you are stupid, and then, after all of that, you say such vile words in our household.”Silence.In his seat, he trembled, fingers digging new crescent-shaped wounds into his palms.A painful blow hit the back of his head, so forceful it knocked Eren forward. Stinging pain shot out from where his father had smacked him, replaced a few seconds later by an aching throb. He whimpered soundlessly, the taste of salt from his tears on his tongue.Only a few moments were given for Eren to recover. His father hit him again before he painfully yanked a handful of Eren’s hand in his grasp and shoved Eren against the table. The mashed potato and roasted carrots squashed up against his face, making Eren want to wail out in humiliation.“Where did you learn to say such vile, unholy words? How dare you speak like that to your sister, in our household, disgraceful child,” His father spat, pushing Eren further into the plate. “Your sister was right. You are stupid. Is this how you rebel against the people who clothe you, who feed you, who educate you and protect you and love you?”Eren sobbed, shaking his head in his father’s grasp.“If anyone else could see you right now, and see the way you act, it would bring such shame upon our family. You are to be the next pastor of our church, and I cannot have you acting like such a heathen.”“I-I’m sorry-”“Do not speak when your father is speaking!” His mother yelled from the head of the table. Eren bit his lip, the stench of potato and the sick sensation of guilt that coiled in his stomach enough to make Eren want to gag. He cried, loud and clear, unable to keep it in any longer.This was not how he thought his evening would go. Not at all.“You have always been such a problem. Ever since you were young. You’d always be so, so childish, so emotional, so ignorant and foolish. Always so easily strayed from the Lord. Shameful.”His father’s painful grasp yanked Eren up out of his plate, only to slam him back against it. Under his father’s force it cracked, the pieces of white porcelain piercing the side of Eren’s cheek. “You are to come straight home from school for the next month. On weekends, you will study and you will pray and devote yourself to the Lord. In three weeks we have a ball with many other influential families of Shiganshina, and Eren, you will still be attending and you will be on your best behaviour."His father leaned down, and snarled in his ear, “Remember, I’m doing this because I love you Eren. You are my son. I can’t have you acting like this. Do you understand?”Eren pushed out a weak, “I- I- I understand, f-father.”The tight hand in his hair pulled Eren back up. His father let go, and he almost sighed at the relief from the tugging, burning feeling on his scalp. With shaking hands Eren reached up, wiping the mushed vegetables and blood off his face with the back of his hand. Next to Eren, his sister and mother were quiet. Nobody said a word until his father sat back down in his seat, and resumed eating as if nothing had happened.“Apologise to your sister,” His mother said, a sharp edge to her words. Her eyes were cold as she stared at her sobbing son. There was not a flicker of concern or pity etched across her face.Eren’s father was right. He was stupid. He was so, so, so stupid to even think that for a second he could win his parent’s approval and have them finally be proud of Eren.Achingly he turned his head to Mikasa. It felt as concrete had been poured around him, sinking through his skin and right down to his bones. It hurt to move; all Eren wanted to do was be still. Yet he pushed through, tearing his eyes away from the cracked plate in front of him and the drops of blood on the table to meet his sister’s eyes.A crease formed between Mikasa’s brows where she frowned, but Eren couldn’t tell if it was because she felt sympathy for his wounds or because she was upset at his actions. Eren couldn’t blame her if it was the latter, his parents were right; it was wrong of Eren to scream at his sister. She rightfully received a higher mark than him. She rightfully had been confused, and upset, at her result. Eren was a liar, a cheater, a terrible brother. Nothing more. He could never be as good as Mikasa.He blinked away tears. “I’m sorry.”
I just wanted you to be proud of me.
When his family had gone to bed, leaving Eren alone and awake, his lover finally came.Eren wiped his tears, pulled on his treasured black sweater that Levi gave him, and snuck out the front door with speed. He needed to leave his house. Bitter memories of what happened earlier repeated in his head, and Eren had to go. Being around his family and in the walls of his house left him feeling exhausted, pained and aching.Outside, the light from the full moon above dimly lit the street. Levi waited, wearing a thick blue jacket and jeans, with open arms. Eren could see the small smile on his face, and the way his brows furrowed at Eren’s tearful expression. He stumbled out of the house, biting his trembling lip, and let Levi rush forward and pull him into a tight hug.He cried, choking back a loud sob. The wounds on his cheek had stopped bleeding but they still stung, a reminder of his father’s assault on him and how he’d never be proud of Eren. With every beat of his heart his head throbbed, and a heavy, dull ache spread throughout Eren’s chest. It hurt, and all he wanted was for Levi to take it all away. He needed Levi’s touch, his kisses, his kind words.It seemed that as the days passed, Levi was the only one who could truly comfort Eren now.After dinner he’d counted down the minutes for his lover to appear. Over the past two weeks, Eren and Levi had not been able to see each other often – only four times – and none of those times were they truly alone again, in the privacy of a home. Levi had told him that he had been extra busy with a few jobs that his uncle asked him to help with, and so when they did meet up it was usually in the dark. In the dark where they kissed, hugged, talked for hours, drank alcohol and ate the sweet fruits that Levi always brought along in his backpack.Eren didn’t mind that they weren’t alone – and couldn’t do the things that a part of him ached for – because being with Levi was enough. Whether that be in the public view, in the dark, or under the warm covers of the bed. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Eren was by Levi’s side.“What happened, angel,” Levi said, hands brushing through Eren’s hair. He gently pulled Eren back, his hands resting on the sides of Eren’s face. “What… what happened to your pretty little cheeks?”Eren didn’t reply, simply leaning forward to kiss Levi. The tender touch calmed the wild beat of his heart. He sighed against Levi’s lips, arms lazily wrapping around the other boy’s waist. After that evening, he really needed Levi. Resting his forehead against Levi’s, Eren murmured: “I did something. And it made my father really angry.”“My baby,” Levi cooed, pressing a kiss to Eren’s forehead. He laced their hands together, and stepped back into the street as he pulled Eren along. “Walk with me. I’ll take you somewhere nice, away from your parents. Then, you can tell me what happened. Does that sound okay?”Eren nodded, agreeing to Levi’s words without a second thought.In silence they strolled hand and hand. The tears had stopped, and a small smile tugged on Eren’s lips when Levi started talking about his day. Apparently he’d gone to Hanji’s café that morning, and the woman had almost started a fire when cooking chocolate cake. At that Eren had asked if the cake still turned out okay – and to his delight – Levi had said he had some wrapped up in a cloth in his backpack.They reached the riverside, and sat underneath the same cherry blossom tree that they’d sat at when they first met. Eren’s heart lifted at the memory of kissing Levi’s cheek, and how it left him with a rush and an irresistible smile. Sitting against the tree with the river flowing by behind them, Eren’s eyes drifted to the night sky above.Beside them he heard Levi ruffling through his backpack, but his mind was elsewhere.The sky above was dotted with twinkling stars, and the faint hues of purple and lighter blue that were painted across the sky. Once, years ago, he had asked Armin what the faint colours where. He had said that his mother told him it represented a galaxy, which was a collection of millions of stars and planets. On nights like these, when Eren felt lonely, sad, and out-casted, he would look up to the galaxy above and dream of a better life. A life where he could be free, where his parents were proud of him, and where Eren was truly happy.For a long time, he’d told himself that he was happy doing what his parents wanted. He’d convinced himself that he only wanted to make his own choices some of the time, but after meeting Levi, Eren wasn’t sure anymore. Each day the desire to obey his parents in even the most mundane of asks grew weaker. What was the point of obeying them if it only made Eren feel sorrowful?“Eren,” Levi said from beside him, and he smiled as the older boy kissed his cheek, just above a small, thin cut. He felt push a glass bottle into his hand, and in the other place two small, white pills. “I figured that you might have a little bit of a headache from crying, and… whatever happened to your cheeks. These are painkillers, and water. Take them, and you’ll feel a little better.”Eren looked down at his hand, and then back up to his lover. “Aren’t painkillers expensive? My father is a doctor, and even he rarely lets us have them…”“I have my ways, angel. Please, have them, I don’t want you being in pain.”Eren did what Levi asked him. His head pounded, so the painkillers would help. After swallowing them he weakly smiled up at Levi, and laid his head on his shoulder.In front of them, Levi had laid out lychees, two mangoes, a bottle of what Eren now recognised to be tequila, and two pieces of chocolate cake, all on the red-stripped cloth on the grass. He picked up a lychee, peeling off the hard skin and popping it into his mouth.For a little while, they ate in silence. Levi told Eren not to have any alcohol until his pain had faded, so he stuck with drinking the rest of the water instead. Having Levi by his side comforted him, making him forget a little about what had happened earlier that evening.“Are you going to tell me what happened, hmm?” Levi said after a few minutes of silence, turning to press a soft kiss on the top of Eren’s head. One of his hands found Eren’s, and he intertwined them.A sigh escaped Eren’s lips. He swallowed the rest of the lychee, pondering over his thoughts for a few moments before he said, “Erwin gave out the results for the math quiz. I knew Mikasa would be upset, but she… she stood up in class, and basically said in front of everyone that she thinks I’m too stupid to get a mark higher than hers.”Anger pricked beneath the surface, but Eren continued, furrowing his brows as he angrily grabbed the bottle of tequila from Levi’s grasp, flicked off the lid and took a large gulp of the burning liquid. “And then when I told father and mother, I thought they’d be happy. That they’d be so proud of me – their dumb, useless son – for getting a good mark. But all they said is that they didn’t believe me!”“They’re bastards,” Levi said from beside him, pressing a kiss to Eren’s temple.“Yeah! Fucking bastards, both of them!” Eren shook his head in frustration, grip tightening on the bottle. Out of the corner of his eye he watched as Levi’s gaze flickered between the bottle and where Eren took another long sip of the liquid. He winced around the liquid – it still stung his throat – but he wanted to feel the happiness, the care-free blurriness that the alcohol would give him.Eren put the bottle down, and screwed the lid back on. He turned, facing Levi, and continued: “My father said I should check with Erwin that the grades were right, and Mikasa said that is what she asked him. And then, ugh – then, we ended up fighting, and I told her to shut the fuck up. So my father hit me over it and told me I can’t go out for an entire month.”Levi’s hand came up to rest on the crook of Eren’s neck, and he leaned in, gently kissing Eren. “They’re so horrible to you. None of them understand you. Grounding you all because you defended yourself from your sister’s cruel, cruel words… they don’t deserve you, Eren,”Eren sighed against Levi’s lips, eyes fluttering close. He let Levi kiss him again, let himself be slowly pulled into Levi’s lap. The bottle of tequila rolled somewhere onto the grass but it was gone from Eren’s mind, and he instead rested his head against Levi’s chest. Levi’s heartbeat thumped steadily in his ear, and Eren closed his eyes.“I just want to stay with you,” Eren whispered, pushing into the touch of Levi’s hands in his hair. There was another hand resting on the curve of Eren’s back, rubbing circles into his skin. Bitter tears slipped down his cheeks, and he drew in a shaking breath. “I really thought that they would be proud of me.”“I’m proud of you,” Levi said, and Eren felt his heart leap at the words. “I’m so proud of you. They’re just angry because they don’t understand you, they don’t understand that you won’t let yourself be controlled by them any longer.”“I- But- But... But I want them to be proud of me, Levi…”“What they think of you doesn’t matter at all, Eren.”At that Eren shifted in Levi’s lap, looking up to meet his lover’s gaze. He furrowed his brows, shaking his head slightly. “They’re my parents. I don’t want to upset them, Levi, and… and I love them, still…”Levi smiled, soft and small, his hand reaching up to gently trace around the cut on Levi’s cheek. “I know, baby. They’ve always told you that what they think is so, so important, and because of that you’re scared to upset them. But… the only reason they tell you that, is because… they want to control you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”Eren hesitated, biting his lip. Somehow, what Levi said did make sense. His parents wanted to control Eren, they wanted to keep him from being free, and so by making Eren believe that their opinion was the most important would help them in making sure Eren did everything they wanted.He nodded. Levi kissed him.“Don’t care about what they think. They don’t matter. I think you’re wonderful, Eren, and I’m so proud of you. I’m not like your parents, I wouldn’t hurt you like this,” Levi’s gaze flickered to the cut on Eren’s cheek. “But they do. And they will continue to hurt you, they will continue to control you and make you feel terrible about yourself the longer you believe that their opinion on you is the most important.”Eren sighed, pushing into Levi’s touch. “Yeah…”“Do you believe me?”“Of course.”“Tell me, then. Tell me what I just said to you,” Levi brushed the stray hairs off Eren’s forehead. A small smile tugged on his lips, his eyes gentle and soft and it made Eren’s heart ache. It ached, but it was different to the ache he felt earlier. It felt more loving, more tender; less painful. He felt himself smiling at Levi, his head spinning from the alcohol and with Levi’s words.“As long as I care about what they think of me,” Eren whispered, “They’ll control me, and hurt me, and… make me feel terrible about myself. So… I have to stop…”He added the last part by himself, but Levi smiled wide, and Eren’s heart did flips at knowing he made Levi happy. He felt pushed to continue, and Eren added: “But you won’t. You’ll never hurt me.”“That’s exactly right, Eren. Good boy,” Levi said, and kissed Eren. A spark shot through him at Levi’s words, and Eren wanted Levi to tell him he’s good again, that he’s proud of Eren, that Eren is making Levi happy. This desire – to please Levi, to be praised by Levi – was something Eren didn’t really understand, but he craved it. Whenever Levi praised him it made Eren feel weak in his knees, and all he wanted was to push into Levi’s embrace and stay with him forever.“I missed you so much, Eren,” Levi said. The food and alcohol was long forgotten. Eren’s head felt a little clouded, his stomach warm from the effects of the drink. He hazily smiled at Levi.“You saw me last Thursday.”“And it’s been a long, long three days,” Levi mumbled and Eren giggled, kissing the top of Levi’s nose and adoring the way Levi chuckled. He wrapped his arms around Levi’s neck, leaning back to take in the beautiful boy before him. The beautiful boy, who had now been Eren’s for two weeks. “I can’t believe you’re my boyfriend,” Eren said. “I never thought I was allowed to have a boyfriend.”“Because your parents lied to you,” Levi replied, hands lazily resting around Eren’s waist. Eren hummed in agreement. His parents had made Eren feel so ashamed of this attraction he’d felt, but Eren knew the truth now. He knew there was nothing wrong with him. Levi told him that.“Please be my boyfriend forever,” He whispered, kissing each of Levi’s cheeks. Heat rose to Eren’s face, a feeling of insecurity dragging down his heart. When his gaze met Levi’s he sighed. More than anything, Eren wanted to keep Levi safe. He wanted to protect Levi, to kiss Levi, to please Levi. Whenever Eren thought of a possible future without him his heart painfully twisted. Levi had only been his life for a little less than two months, but Eren didn’t want to imagine life without him.It was a childish request. But Levi smiled, pulling Eren even closer.Levi's gaze flickered once again to the cut on Eren’s cheek, before he met Eren’s eyes. “Stay with me, Eren, and I promise I’ll be yours forever.”“I… I'll be by your side, always.” Eren stuttered out, heat rushing to his face.. Butterflies filled his stomach, and his heart bloomed in his chest. When he had told Levi that he wanted to be his boyfriend forever, he wasn’t sure what the other boy would say. But as usual, Levi always said exactly what Eren wanted to hear.With that Levi smiled. Eren leaned forward, kissing Levi, sliding his tongue into the other boy's mouth and enjoying the taste of fruit and alcohol. His hands found their way into Levi's hair and he sighed happily at the way Levi made small, whimpering noises into Eren's mouth. After a few minutes of heated kisses Levi pulled back, and chuckled at the way Eren pouted. "Do you want some of Hanji's cake?"Eren smiled and nodded, and twisted around until his back was against Levi's chest. One of Levi's arms curled around his waist, and the other fed him the cake. It was a dark brown with thick icing on top, sweet with a melted chocolate center. It was the first time Eren had any of Hanji's baked goods, and she was truly a magnificent chef. He made a mental note to compliment her cooking the next time he would see her. Within minutes, both of them had finished eating the cake.When Levi put his fingers into Eren's mouth and made him lick them clean, a deep, rose-red blush painted his cheeks. They felt odd in his mouth, and Eren didn't understand why Levi put them there, but Eren sucked around them, tasting the chocolate frosting. It reminded him of two weeks ago. At the memories of Levi's lips around there and the pure arousal he had felt, heat rushed to the pit of his stomach. Intentionally Eren moaned around Levi's fingers, almost laughing at the way he felt Levi hold his breath behind him. Next time they saw each other, Eren hoped that they would be truly alone, so that he could touch Levi in all the places he had been daydreaming about. For the rest of the night they talked, laughed, kissed till Eren couldn't breathe. By the time Eren finally went home, over half the bottle of tequila was gone and all the fruits and cake had been eaten. With each step through the cobbled streets Eren stumbled and giggled, latching onto Levi's arm to keep himself upright. Eventually Levi ended up picking Eren up bridal style, and carrying him the rest of the way home. "You're so.... cute," Eren hiccuped, head rolling to rest on Levi's shoulder. "It's... impossible to ignore you..""I'm not as cute as you," Levi winked at him and Eren gasped, drunkenly smiling and giggling into Levi's shoulder. If Eren was heavy, Levi didn't complain as they started to walk up a slight hill. Around them the streets were dark and empty, with the rest of the town long since gone to bed. But not Eren, and not Levi. They were awake, together as they longed to be, with the moonlight above shining their way home."You know what," Levi said, and Eren raised a brow. "You're even cuter when you're drunk.""Yeah?" Eren giggled, shifting and reaching up in Levi's arms to press a quick kiss. "I wanna' see Levi drunk!"At that, Levi laughed. It was beautiful and deep, leaving Eren's heart blooming and his lips parted in awe. He had decided that Levi's laugh was one of his favourite sounds in the entire world. It was more beautiful than songbirds or a violin. If he could, Eren would listen to it all the time. "Maybe one day, angel." He woke up the next morning in his bed with a pounding head, and winced at the morning sun. A bottle of water and two little painkillers sat on his beside table. He didn't remember coming home - he must of fallen asleep in Levi's arms - and he smiled softly at knowing his boyfriend tucked him into bed. Under the glass of water was a little note. Eren picked it up, recognizing Levi's writing.
My wonderful Eren. You'll have a little bit of a hangover today, so take these painkillers I left you.
You're asleep as I write this. I hope you don't mind that I stole paper from your school book again. You're really cute when you sleep, by the way.
We can meet again on Wednesday at our usual time and place. I'll make sure to give Erwin healing cream, so tomorrow (or, today, as you are reading this,) make sure to take it from him before you go home. Put it on the cut on your cheek, it'll help you heal.
Remember. I'm so proud of you, always. Don't worry about what your parents think of you. It doesn't matter, anyway.
Love, Levi.
Eren blushed, smiling as he read the note over and over again. He opened the drawer on his bedside table and placed the note inside, on top of the other one that Levi had left him weeks ago. Downstairs he could hear his family talking, and there was the smell of fresh pancakes in the air. When he remembered last night - the way that his mother and father looked at him in disbelief, and how Mikasa had said she couldn't believe that Eren received a higher mark, - his heart sunk. The aching pain of longing twisted around him, and already Eren felt bitter tears blur his vision. Eren bit his trembling lip, pushing his hands up to his eyes to try and stop himself before he cried again.All Eren wanted, for so, so long was for his mother and father to be proud of him. He had done everything they ever asked. He had always sacrificed his own happiness, his own want to try and please them but it never worked. Why couldn't Eren be what they wanted? Levi's words from the night before repeated in Eren's mind. Eren sniffled, rubbing away the few, fallen tears. Levi was right. Why should Eren care about what his mother and father think about him? They've lied to him, and controlled him. His mother and father would never understand Eren. Besides, Eren had Levi. Forever. It didn't matter what his parents thought about him anymore.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
On Wednesday afternoon, the temperature had fallen, and Eren shivered as he walked in silence with Mikasa and Armin on the way home from school. Since Monday, Mikasa had tried to talk to Eren. She had walked up to him, cowered him in a corner of the house and rushed out a mumbled apology. Eren didn't accept it. He shoved off her hand and pushed past, tight-lipped with a stone-cold expression. He didn't want Mikasa's apologies, for they didn't mean anything at all.The belief that this had all been Mikasa’s fault had already cemented itself in his mind. If she had only been happy for him, if she had only accepted what Erwin said and then defended Eren from his parents, then none of this would have occurred. Everything that happened on Monday afternoon narrowed down to Mikasa not accepting that she won't always be the best at anything. In all honesty, it only made Eren want to ask Erwin to permanently keep his grades above hers. He wanted to see her upset, he wanted to see her feel useless in comparison to him. Eren wanted - no, Eren craved, - to see the look of sorrow across Mikasa's face as she realised she is not the perfect little child. Never in Eren's life had he felt this way towards his sister. But something had changed.As Eren refused to talk to Mikasa, it created an uncomfortable situation for Armin. Pity weighed down on his heart at seeing his best friend give him frowns and plead him to talk to his sister. At lunch, Armin had tried to make the siblings talk to each other, yet his efforts were useless. Only Mikasa agreed and went up to try to speak to Eren, but he’d ignored her until she had given up and left him alone.Even now, though, Armin still tried.“Please, whatever is going on, can’t you two fix it?” Armin sighed, kicking a lone pebble across the cobbled path as he walked in-between the two siblings. He had his hands shoved into the pockets of his red sweater, and his blond locks fell across his eyes. A frown tugged down on his lips when neither of the siblings said anything.“I’ve tried, Armin, but he’s being as stubborn as always,” Mikasa said.“Shut up,” Eren snapped, picking up his pace, footsteps stomping harder against the ground than before. At his words, Mikasa paused for a moment, and irritation crept up inside him at it. He knew that she was calculating her exact words to try and twist the situation around. She had done it hundreds, and hundreds of times. Eren would not let her do it this time.“I don’t see why you are still blaming me for what our parents did.”“In case you forgot, you were the one who sat and watched and did nothing whilst they called me stupid and then father pushed me into the plate so hard, it broke and cut my cheek!” Eren spat, stopping mid-walk to glare at Mikasa on the other side of Armin. With a finger he pointed to the cut on his cheek that had been covered by a band-aid that morning, and lathered in healing cream that Erwin had given to him. By his side, his hand curled into a shaking fist, knuckles turned bone-white. Through the air around them Eren's voice echoed, and a few civilians walking by stopped and stared for mere seconds.“You did curse at them! Even though I told you it wasn’t okay to say!”“Oh, and because of that, because I was upset that nobody in my family believes I could ever do as well as you, I deserved to be hit so hard my head rung for hours?”“I- Eren- I’m not saying what father did is okay, but, you did do wrong-”“I’m allowed to be upset!” Eren screamed out, voice scratching against his tightening throat. Armin’s widened gaze flickered between the two siblings as Eren took a step forward. A painful silence fell over the trio. “Do you understand how it feels to always, always be treated like the useless version of you? Fucking terrible! I hate it! You don’t get to pretend that you had no part in this when you just let them! Every fucking time, you let them call me useless and a disappointment. I thought- I thought…”At the end of his words, his voice cracked. Eren’s head fell to the ground as bitter tears welled up in his eyes. Armin reached out, resting a hand on his shoulder, but Eren shrugged it off. He didn’t want his best friend’s pity. He didn’t want Mikasa’s half-hearted, self-interested apologies. All Eren wanted was to feel as if somebody truly believed in him. All Eren wanted was someone to be proud of him.
Levi is proud of me.
Hot, burning tears rolled down his reddened cheeks. Eren sucked in a heaving breath, lifting his head to stare at his sister with glassy eyes. An ache stretched out inside his chest. It felt as if barb wires had twisted themselves around his heart, piercing into the bleeding flesh, and shredded it into pieces.Beside him, Armin had stayed quiet. In front of him, the first signs of a pitiful frown flicker across Mikasa’s face.“I thought you would be proud of me. I thought mother and father would finally be proud of me,” He gasped out through a broken, muffled sob. “It’s… It’s all I wanted.”Nobody said a word. Mikasa opened her mouth to speak, stumbling over muttered sounds, before she closed it, and turned her head to the ground instead. She crossed her arms, shifting from foot to foot, and Eren wanted to beg her to say something, say anything at all, instead of stand there in a suffocating silence.After a moment of stillness, Armin wrapped his arms around Eren. Eren pushed his head into the crook of his best friend’s shoulder, ignoring the pulling, stinging pain when the reddened wound on his cheek rubbed against the fabric. Each time Eren sobbed out he shuddered, gripping tight onto the back of Armin’s sweater. Mikasa was mute as Eren cried, and he decided that he preferred it that way. He didn’t want her to speak. There was nothing she could say that could make Eren feel better at all.For a long time, Eren knew that his family did not believe in him. They wanted him to be the perfect son, they wanted Eren to do everything they ever wanted and he tried so, so hard to make them happy. He had wanted so desperately to think that they still on a level were proud of Eren. It’s only natural for children to want to please their mother and father. All these years, Eren had been prepared to sacrifice his dreams, his happiness, his hopes, in order to be the perfect son that his mother and father adored and could say they were proud of. Yet, it was never enough.Eren was never enough.And that thought crushed him.Since Monday, he’d done everything not to think about it. Levi, and his gentle touches and soft kisses had managed to help distract Eren for only a little while. But now away from him, it all came rushing back – the daunting, dreadful realisation that Eren was a burden on his family. Not simply a disappointment; it was too light, too soft, too gentle to call him that. It felt like a suffocating weight, sitting over his chest, pushing any air out of his lungs. Even when Eren bit his lip so hard he could taste the metallic blood in his mouth, the tears continued to well up in his eyes. It physically hurt; the anguish he felt left him choking, gasping, sobbing into Armin's embrace.“If it means anything, Eren,” Armin whispered in his ear, low enough so that Mikasa – still standing stiff and silent beside them – could not hear, “I’m proud of you.”With that, Eren only cried harder. Dinner had been quiet. Eren sat, ridged with fear in his chair. When his father and mother asked Mikasa questions about how their day had been at school, Eren was not included in the conversation at all. They did not glance at him, and his mother purposely did not set the table with his plate and utensils included. Eren had to serve himself food – which was fine, and he did not mind at all – but it stung when his mother did it for herself, for Mikasa, and for their father, and said not a word to Eren.His parents did everything they could to make Eren feel as if he was invisible, and Mikasa did nothing. She didn’t speak out against it, she didn’t mention Eren’s name in their conversations, she didn’t protest when Eren was ordered to go to his room for the rest of his evening whilst they had a ‘family night’; as if Eren was no longer included in their family at all. It had felt like Eren did not exist at all. As if he was no longer their son, their only biological child, and was simply an extra mouth they had to feed. Each painfully long second until Levi came to meet him hurt. Eren cried alone in his room, muffling his sobs in his pillow for if his parents were to hear him they would grow furious. A part of him felt numb, another part of him wanted to cry until his eyes burned and his head pounded. It felt as if he’d been shot, and instead of helping rid him of the bullet lodged into his heart, his family and his sister only shoved their hands into the open wound and twisted the bullet further into his chest.Each sob came out as a silent cry. At school, he had managed to push the overbearing sense of isolation down. He’d managed to put on a weak, trembling smile for Armin and his friends, and have a small conversion with Erwin about his lover. Yet, at home and away from the peering eyes of others, Eren broke down. For so, so long, Eren had truly believed that he could become free and still gain the love and pride of his parents and sister.Now, Eren knows that it was wrong. They would never be proud of him.When Levi finally came into view from his bedroom window, Eren rushed out of the house. He didn’t bother putting on a sweater, or cared when the door closed a little bit too loud. Almost tripping over his racing feet Eren pushed himself out into the darkened, abandoned streets and into Levi’s arms.The other boy’s hands rubbed soothing circles into his back, and Eren could feel the gentle kisses Levi pressed into his hair. Shakily Eren breathed in, biting back another cry, his eyes burning from all the tears. Levi felt solid; warm; comforting; something Eren desperately craved. With trembling hands, he gripped onto Levi’s blue sweater, fearing that if he held on too loosely Levi would slip from his palms.Eren did not have the support of his family. But he had Armin, and he had Levi, and Eren never wanted to lose either of them. Armin was proud of him, and so was Levi.“Deep breaths, baby,” Levi mumbled, gently pulling Eren back to hold the sides of his face. His thumbs brushed away the salted tears as he leaned in to press a soft, slow kiss. The moon above dimly illuminated Levi’s features in a blue light, and Eren sighed at the pure beauty before him. There was something about Levi that made him so different to anyone else Eren had ever met. He comforted Eren, listened to Eren when he rambled about the odd things that fascinated him, and treated him with such tenderness it left Eren’s heart full.If Eren’s mother and father could never love him the way he wanted them too, and if Mikasa always picked their adoration over him, then maybe that would be okay.There are other people Eren could go to, to find comfort and safety.“What did they do to you now, my love?”“N-Nothing,” Eren stuttered, blinking away tears. He pushed his head into the crook of Levi’s neck, wrapping his arms tight around his lover. “I just feel so sad.”“Because of them,” Levi said. It wasn’t a question, but a statement, and Eren nodded in his embrace.“Eren, I told you many weeks ago, but I’ll tell you again. I can make them go away… if you want me to. All you have to do is ask. You’ll know I do anything for you. I’ll make sure they can never hurt you,” Levi continued, kissing Eren’s temple as he held him close.His bleeding heart picked up its pace. Eren shook his head in Levi’s grip; he didn't want his parents to go away. He loved them, still, even if they were mean and don't always believe in Eren. How would Levi even do that? How could he convince his parents to leave their children?With Mr Pyxis transferring schools, that would be easy enough to organise. After all, Levi could have maybe talked to Mr Pyxis, and told him about another school in the district with better money or that was a little bit closer to home. But this was Eren’s mother and father, and confusion flooded Eren’s mind as he tried to imagine how Levi would make sure they could never hurt him again.He believed Levi, of course. Eren didn’t need to know how he did things, but he knew Levi so well. They had promised each other that they would do anything for one another. Levi told him the truth; he would be able to make sure Eren's parents could never hurt him. Yet, Eren knew he would be heartbroken if his parents were gone.“I… I don’t want them to go, Levi, I love them,” Eren said. He leaned back from the embrace, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. Levi stared at him with unmoving eyes and Eren forced a smile, rocking forward on his toes to quickly kiss his boyfriend. “But… but thank you, for... offering…”“I hate them.”“W-What?” Eren choked out, stilling as he watched Levi’s eyebrows furrow. “I know they’re mean to me sometimes, Levi, but-”“They hit you, they cut you, they scream at you and make you cry.”“But that’s because I make mistakes!”“Eren,” Levi paused, taking a step forward to lace their hands together. Eren vaguely remembered that they’re still outside the front of his home, and if one of his parents woke up and looked outside – or if anyone in the neighbourhood looked outside – they would be in plain sight under the moon. But he let Levi kiss him again, hard, full of passion. His heartbeat skipped and he whimpered into the kiss, letting Levi’s tongue inside and letting a burning heat ignite in the pit of his stomach.Eren wrapped his arms around Levi’s neck, pushing himself closer to his lover.They pulled away after a few moments. Blush had painted Eren’s cheeks a rose colour, and he panted with breathlessness as he glanced at Levi with half-lidded eyes. Weakness from the kiss left Eren’s body a little limp in Levi’s arms. For some reason, under Levi’s touch, Eren always felt so weak.“They are terrible people, and shouldn’t hurt you. Ever. I don’t care what you have done. It’s so cruel of them to make you, such a wonderful, pretty little boy, cry…” Levi whispered the latter half, finger coming up to trail Eren’s jawline. “Listen to me, baby. They’ve told you all your life that you must love and respect your parents, but I know you don’t. Not really. You don’t like them that much.”Eren shook his head, biting his lip. “That’s… that’s not true.”“Would I ever lie to you?”He paused, eyes flickering to the cobbled street beneath him.“No.”“That’s exactly right, angel,” Levi said. “I would never lie to you. I only want to protect you, and to keep you safe. I’m not like your parents, and they don’t deserve your love or adoration. They deserve your hatred, and nothing else.”“I guess…” Eren mumbled, before letting out a tired sigh and leaning his head against Levi’s chest. Through the fabric he can feel Levi’s heartbeat, matching his own, and he breathed in the calming, gently-sweet scent of Levi. The other boy’s arms pulled him a little closer around his waist. For a moment Eren and Levi stay there, still under the moonlight, comforted in each other’s presence.There were times that Eren despised his parents; but he didn’t hate them, nor did he want them gone out of his life. All he wanted was for them to be proud of him. All he wanted was to feel like he belonged in their family, and was loved and cherished. Right?
But Levi must be telling the truth. Levi is always right, and he’ll never lie to me.
Together the two boys started to walk down the street, and away from Eren’s home. Levi made a comment about going to Hanji’s café, but Eren had only been half listening to it.The more he thought about it, the more it made sense what Levi said.Eren’s mother and father made him cry, made him feel worthless and useless in their family. The crushing weight of feeling like a complete and utter burden to them made him breathless and left him aching. For years, Eren had done everything they had ever wanted him to. Yet it was never enough.Perhaps, Eren didn’t really like them that much at all. Eren sat next to Levi in one of the red booths of Hanji’s café. Furlan and Isabel were across from them, and Hanji had gone behind the counter to grab slices of blueberry and vanilla cake she had baked earlier that day. Laid out on the wooden table of the booth were shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey, and music played from the record player on the counter. Inside the fireplace had been lit, basking the room with warmth and shielding them from the cool air outside. Never before had Eren had whiskey. Buzzing excitement coiled around him. Eren seemed to enjoy alcohol, and he wanted to taste all of it as soon as he can. So far, he’d only had tequila and vodka, and eagerness pricked beneath the surface at being able to taste whiskey. All alcohol still burned and tasted mostly the same to him, but Levi had said that soon enough Eren would be able to notice the difference. The more he drinks, the quicker he will learn to notice. Eren wanted to learn to taste the difference; he wanted to be able to relate to how Levi said he preferred vodka over tequila, or red wine over white.Levi’s hand sat on his thigh, and he watched with curious eyes as Levi poured the brown liquid into the glass. Isabel leaned her arms on the table, staring at Eren with a large grin etched across her features. When Eren had arrived at the bakery, she’d made it clear that she was eager to see how Eren was when he was truly, properly drunk. He’d told her he didn’t remember being any different; but Levi had said Eren when drunk was much more affectionate then he is sober, and it made him blush a deep shade of rose pink.“Okay, it might burn-” Furlan said when Eren picked up the glass, but he cut him off.“I’ve drunk alcohol before.”“Oh, shit, yeah, sorry mate,” Furlan chuckled, leaning back into the red-cushioned booth seat. He draped an arm around Isabel’s shoulders, and gave Eren a wink. “Forgot you aren’t that innocent anymore.”A smile curled Eren’s lips. It made him oddly satisfied to know that he wasn't the innocent, naïve boy that he was when he first met Levi. Once, it was embarrassing to know he lacked in so much experience to his lover and his friends, but now Eren slowly was catching up to them.He leaned into Levi’s shoulder subconsciously, breath hitching when Levi’s fingertips slowly inched their way up Eren’s thigh. Levi's touches were something Eren had grown to love; Levi didn't need to be asked to touch him, he simply did, and oh how it made Eren feel adored. Hanji came out from behind the counter at that moment with plates of cake balancing on her arm, and she squealed when she saw the full shot glass in Eren’s hand.She stumbled over, swiftly placing five plates of cake on the counter (Eren had no idea how she was able to balance them on her arms, but it was impressive), before she slid in the booth beside Levi. With Hanji sharing their seat, Eren had been pushed up against the window – but Levi’s leg had also moved to rest over his own, and blood rushed to his cheeks as he realised his boyfriend was almost sitting on him. The others didn’t speak about it if they noticed it.“Are you going to drink, Eren?” Hanji gushed, leaning on the table to look around Levi.“He was, before your loud-mouthed self-ran over here and interrupted him,” Levi said, glancing over at Eren out of the corner of his eye. There was a smirk on his lips, and Eren returned the smile; spare hand hesitantly reaching out to curl around Levi’s waist and rest on his lover’s thigh.“But I brought cake!”“Come on, let’s just all do shots, it’s kind of weird that we’re all watching Eren like he’s about to do a circus act, or some shit like that,” Furlan commented, reaching out to grasp the bottle of whiskey in his hand and pour four other shots for everyone else.The whiskey did burn, like Furlan said, but Eren noticed a slight different taste than the vodka and tequila. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it tasted like, so he poured himself another shot – to the shock of Furlan, Hanji and Isabel – and had another one.When he still couldn’t understand the different taste, Eren poured another yet again.“Damn, he really is going for it!” Hanji cackled, slapping the table as she turned to stare at Eren pouring shots with widened eyes. A smirk curled his lips and his gaze flickered to Hanji’s slack jaw and stunned expression. Locking eyes, Eren drowned the other shot, enjoying the slight burn of the liquid sliding down his throat, and the way his stomach grew warm with alcohol.“You think I would wince or something?” Eren gasped as he finishes the shot, cocking a brow at his friends and slamming the glass down on the table a little too hard. Isabel laughed, swallowing the rest of the cake she had been eating before she nods in agreement to Eren’s question.“Well, you’ve had three shots in about a minute, which is more than I was expecting,” Furlan said.“The first time he drunk, he paused for about thirty seconds before he had another large mouthful of tequila, of all things. I’m not that surprised.” Levi said, hand snaking around Eren’s waist and pulling him a little closer. “Are you going to have another one, baby?”“Do you want me to?”“Yes.”Eren nodded, a small smile etched across his face. He reached over the table to grab the bottle, and poured himself another shot without hesitation. It had gone deathly-quiet, and nobody said a word as Levi leaned over to kiss Eren’s cheek. As he brought the shot to his lips, Levi whispered a low, “Good boy,” in his ear that made Eren’s heart flip. He loved Levi praising him. He’d do anything to hear it.“Did- Did you call Eren baby?” Isabel muttered into the silence that had fallen over the group.Fuck.Inside his chest, his heartbeat stopped and Eren stuttered over mere sounds as his gaze frantically switched between Levi and Isabel. A shy laugh left his lips, the blush rising to the tip of his ears and he almost spills the whiskey as his hand begins to tremble.Eren and Levi had been together for two weeks now. Eren knew that Furlan, Isabel and Hanji would be free as Levi was, and didn’t believe in the same lies as his parents did. Yet, his heart still started to pace in his chest, and butterflies still begin bloom inside of him. The words his mother and father had said to Rod Reiss two weeks ago cross his mind, as well as the harsh memories he had hidden away inside of him from when he was a child.Everything would be fine, yet Eren still feared that Levi’s friends would hate them for what they are.“Yeah, what about it?” Levi said, and turned his head to press a kiss to Eren’s temple. His hand on Eren’s thigh started to rub soothing circles into the skin, aiding in calming the anxiety that raced through Eren's system. From where he sat, Eren watched as Levi’s eyes narrow, and a crease formed between his furrowing brows. When he spoke again, his voice was deep, words slow. “None of you have an issue with us being boyfriends, I hope?”“Not at all!” Isabel rushed out, and both Furlan and Hanji nod to her words.Eren sighed. His muscles relax a little, and his heartbeat begins to return to a normal pace.“Good.”The topic was dropped. For the next half an hour they ate Hanji’s cake, talked and drank whiskey with the moonlight shining in on them. Everything was at peace, and Eren was safe from judgement. If this were his classmates, they would have told him to see a doctor. It felt comforting, and he felt protected to know that Levi's friends were fine with Eren and Levi being together. They were free, like Levi, and Eren smiled to himself at knowing one day he will be free too.When the moon sat high in the midnight sky, Eren had become very, very drunk. Hanji had put on a record of up-beat jazz music, and brought out more cake that she was unable to sell during the day. At first Eren had only planned to drink a little, only to relax his nerves and to make sure he focused on something other than his family. Yet Isabel was very persuasive, and the two of them ended up having at least twelve shots in the span of twenty minutes.Currently they danced to the music in the middle of the café, arms around their shoulders and grins etched across their faces. Hanji and Furlan clapped and hummed along to the song from the booth. The café had been filled with laughter and happiness. Each time Levi and Eren’s eyes met, and there was that intoxicating smile on Levi’s lips, Eren felt as if he was walking on sunshine itself.It felt so good to be surrounded by people who knew Eren’s secret, and didn’t fear him or tell him that he was sick. It felt so good to be able to talk to Isabel, Hanji and Furlan about his dreams to travel the world without worrying that they’ll shut him down. It felt so good to be here, with Levi and his friends, and away from his classmates at school and his family.For a little while, Eren had forgotten completely about Mikasa and his parents. In these midnight hours, they didn't matter at all. A drunken giggle left his lips when Isabel’s hand found his own, and she swirled him around the café. He threw his head back, and let their weights stop each other from tumbling to the ground. Soft tunes of a saxophone could be heard from the record player on the counter, and as the beat quickened so did Eren and Isabel’s swirls.Eventually they did stop, falling to the ground with gasping laughter and blushing faces. The world around him spun, even on the floor, and his cheeks had begun to hurt from smiling so wide. But Eren didn’t mind, and he didn’t want the night to ever end at all.“I can’t believe Levi is actually dating someone! Dating the church boy, of all people!” Furlan shouted in a drunken tone from the booth. “I thought he only was hanging out with you because you were-”“Oh shut up Furlan, let Levi have a love life!” Hanji cut him off.“But doesn’t this change the-”With that, Levi leaned over the table smacked Furlan over the head. “Are you done being a prying little brat? I’ll answer any of your questions later, Furlan, not now, for fuck sakes.”From the floor Eren giggled, leaning his head on Isabel’s shoulder. He didn’t really understand what Levi and Furlan were talking about, but hearing the way Levi’s voice dropped an octave send heat straight to the pit of his stomach. Shakily Eren pulled himself up from the floor, and stumbled over to the booth. Alcohol had blurred his vision and his thoughts, and the ground swayed beneath his steps. Hanji and Levi sat next to each other, with Levi closest to the wall.Usually, Eren would mutter a thousand apologies for having to climb over Hanji to reach his lover. But with his mind in a haze from the whiskey, all Eren could really focus on was Levi’s deepening smirk and how wonderful it would feel to sit on his lap. Hanji’s laugh reached his ears as he crawled over her lap, and into Levi’s opened arms.Sitting on Levi’s lap Eren sighed, satisfaction filling him, a small smile curling his lips. It felt right to sit in Levi's lap. It felt good, warm, safe. Levi’s hands found their way around his waist and he leaned his back against Levi’s chest, reaching up to press a kiss to Levi’s jawline.“Hey, angel,” Levi murmured, turning his head to meet Eren’s lips in a quick kiss. His gaze flickered to the bandaged cut on Eren's cheek. “How’re you feeling? Did you get the healing cream from Erwin?”“A lil’ sleepy… and-and yes, I did, ha, Levi, you look so good,” Eren said, biting his lip. His gaze flickered between Levi and Isabel, still sitting on the floor, but now staring at the pair with a wide grin. With a smile Eren leaned back to look at her more clearly, and said: “Hey, Izzy!”Isabel tilted her head to the side, awaiting Eren’s answer.“I think… think you- you were right!” He said, hiccuping, world spinning from the alcohol. His hands find their way to Levi’s and Eren gripped them tight, fearing that without Levi he’d fall down to the floor. “Ha, I think I am… a… affectionate drunk.”“Mhm, you’re also so much fucking cuter like this,” Levi purred in his ear. Eren laughed, twisting around in Levi’s lap so that he faced his lover. He ignored the way Hanji gasped and giggled at his actions, and didn’t even care for the looks on the others faces as he nuzzled his cheek into Levi’s chest. It didn’t matter what they thought, anyway. All Eren wanted was to be in Levi’s arms.“You know, Eren,” Furlan said. Both Levi and Eren lifted their heads to meet Furlan’s narrowed gaze. He sipped slowly on a shot of whiskey, gently placing it on the wooden table to give his full attention. “Levi told me you heard somethings about the Ackermans.”“Furlan,” Levi’s voice is low in his ear, but a wide grin etched itself on Eren’s face regardless and he sat up a little straighter in Levi’s lap.“Yeah! My dad- dad said some weird things about them, do- do you know them?”“We all know them,” Levi answered for Furlan. Resting against his chest, Eren lifted his chin to meet Levi’s eyes. His lover continued, “I was a little surprised… that hearing your father talk about them was first time you heard about them.”“Why is that?”While they were talking, Isabel had moved from the floor and slid in the booth beside Furlan. She leaned into his side, eyes fluttering closed, and Eren had thought she had fallen asleep until she mumbled: “Everyone in Shiganshina knows the Ackermans.”“Everyone knew them,” Hanji corrected. “You younger kids probably don’t.”“Anyway,” Levi said, running his hands down Eren’s back. “It doesn’t matter. I didn’t realise Furlan would even bring up this topic,” His gaze shifted to Furlan, and then back to Eren, “But now that we are talking about it… Have you managed to hear anything else, my love?”Eren blushed at the new nickname, but he shook his head, heart falling at the way Levi mouthed an oh and nodded. He wanted to please Levi, to make him happy, but the past few days Eren had not had time to break into his father’s study, or to try and hear anymore secrets from his father.
Maybe I can try later this week, and I’ll be able to make Levi happy then.
“I’m- I’m sorry, Levi, I’ll look in the study later! Would-Would’ make you happy?” Eren said, a slight tone of panic to his voice. When Levi’s lips curl into a soft, small smile his heart leaped. Satisfaction filled him – Levi was happy with him – and he sighed as Levi leaned to press a kiss to Eren’s cheek.“It’ll make me so happy, baby, I’ll be so proud of you if you do that for me.”
Proud?
Eren’s heart flipped in his chest. He grinned at Levi, nodding eagerly. His arms wrap around Levi’s neck, and he almost jumped in Levi’s lap. “Yes! I’ll- I’ll do it! Do… do you want me to do anything else?”“Hmm, perhaps. But I’ll tell you that a little later. I should get you home now, however.”“Aw, can’t he stay here a little longer, Levi?” Hanji said from beside him, leaning her head in her palm. “Eren’s so adorable when he’s drunk.”“You’re cute too, Hanji!” Eren giggled.“See? What a little angel,” She cooed, and the blush across Eren’s cheek deepened. He pushed his head into the crook of Levi’s neck, loving the feeling of Levi’s strong arms wrapped around him.“It’s really late, and, besides,” Levi said, “When I get back, we have some other things we need to talk about.”“It’s okay! I go home, ha, Levi want me to go home, I will go,” Eren mumbled, the sounds starting to slur together. If Levi wanted Eren to take Eren home, then he would let Levi do it. He’d let Levi do anything, at this point, if he wanted to. As well, even with the alcohol leaving his head in a daze, sleep began to call for him. If Eren would not be home soon, he’d fall asleep in Levi’s soft embrace. Not that it would be a bad thing - he dreamed of cuddling up in bed with Levi again.His head still spun, and he giggled at nothing in particular when Levi kissed the top of his head. “Levi,” Eren drew out his name, clinging onto his lover. They were walking through the empty, darkened town square, and for the past ten minutes Eren had been aching to touch Levi. Perhaps it was the alcohol, or perhaps it was because his drunken mind had been telling him that this was the only time since two weeks ago that they were truly alone. In the dark, there were no other people in the town square. Nobody would be able to see them.“Yes, baby?”“You’re so fucking hot,” He giggled, reaching up to kiss along Levi’s jawline. Abruptly Levi stopped walking, and Eren chuckled at hearing Levi’s breath hitch. He wrapped his arms around Levi’s neck, pushing his leg in-between Levi’s to grind his knee up against Levi’s crotch.Eren had no idea at all what he was doing. Pure instincts drove him to move, to grind up against Levi, to suck gently alongside Levi’s jaw. Without thinking he reached under Levi’s shirt, and ran his hands up against the bare skin of Levi’s chest. Eren wanted to feel his chest against Levi’s, he wanted to kiss Levi until they couldn’t breathe. He wanted Levi to mark him in hickeys and love bites, and to fall to his knees and suck Levi’s cock into his mouth. Eren had no idea why, but he did.It left a burning warmth in his stomach as his heart began to pace. Anxiety welled up in his chest but Eren pushed it down, continuing to bite and suck gently on Levi’s neck, being fuelled by each small moan and gasp that fell from his lover’s lips.“We’re in public, Eren,” Levi said, but it only made Eren giggle, and start to move lower on his neck. He wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist completely and pulled him close. When Levi’s hands grasped Eren’s ass a sudden moan slipped past his lips; he wanted Levi to feel him up. He needed it. He craved it.“I… don’t care, it’s dark, nobody's here and I- I want you to touch me,”“Fuck,” Levi gasped, "When did you become like this?"Levi took a step back from Eren only to kiss him. Eren sighed into the kiss, letting Levi’s tongue slide into his mouth. His hands moved to rest on the nap of Levi’s neck, fingers running through Levi’s undercut. A small, fading part of Eren’s mind screamed at him to step back, to stop doing this for anyone could see them and it would be a terrible, horrible thing to explain to his parents if they found out.Yet, the thrill of being caught edged him on.Levi broke the kiss, moving to suck on a fading hickey on Eren’s neck. He gasped at the sensation, before stuttering out a: “I’ve been dreaming about you.”“Hmm? And what have you been dreaming about?”“You… you touching me,” Eren moaned as Levi’s hand reached down to palm him through his tightening jeans, “And- And- sucking you off, ah, it makes it hurt… down there.”“Does it hurt now, baby?” Levi cooed. Eren gulped, nodding frantically, gripping onto Levi and thrusting his hips up into Levi’s touch. Heat had rapidly started to pool in the pit of his stomach, and all Eren wanted was the friction against his cock and arousal he craved so desperately.Levi’s hand started to move, rubbing him faster and faster through the fabric. Sinful sounds slipped past Eren’s lips and his knees buckled from the building pressure he felt. “How you do you make it stop hurting, hmm?”“Oh, I- ah- I wait for it- to- to go away.”“Aw, we can’t have that, can we?” Levi said. Eren furrowed his brows in confusion, but whimpered when Levi’s hand moved away. His hips jolted up, searching for Levi's touch, but there was nothing at all. Levi chuckled in his ear, and continued: “Touch yourself, baby, like how I touch you.”“M-myself?” Eren stuttered out, heart skipping a beat. He’d never done those things to himself before – he never really thought about it, in all honesty – and when he was with Levi, Levi helped him.Yet his hand reached down, and Eren started rocking up into his own touch without needing to be told twice. It wasn’t the same as Levi, but the sweet, blissful friction was there, and it was enough.“I would let you suck me off, like you wanted to,” Levi purred in his ear, sending shudders through Eren’s entire body. “But perhaps maybe not out here. Wait till Sunday, and we’ll be alone again.”His words barely register in Eren’s mind. The thrusting of his hips are now frantic, low groans and gasps falling from his lips. He moves his hand, palming the hard length through his jeans, shuddering at the sparks of intense arousal that make his entire mind a little bit blank. The heat is growing, and all Eren wants is release.“You’d look so pretty with my cock in your mouth,” Levi’s lips pressed soft kisses across Eren’s jawline. His words pulled out a whine from Eren as he nodded, resting his head on Levi’s shoulder. “You want it so bad, don’t you? Been dreaming about it, even. So fucking desperate, aren’t you?”“Yeah, yeah, I’d- ah- fuck- I’d look so pretty sucking it, Levi, I want it so bad, please!”“Even willing to do it in such a public place. You’re so naughty.”Eren whimpered. When Levi’s knee moved up in-between his legs Eren removed his hand, instantly changing to grind against Levi's thigh. Whispered begs fall from his lips as Levi starts to speak words of praise into his ear. The hard friction against his cock leaves his skin hot and tingling, and all Eren can do is gasp and groan and thrust against Levi, not caring where he was or who could see. It didn't matter. He didn't care, in this moment, if some lone person walked out in the middle of the night and saw them. He needed Levi's touch, and it was all his mind could focus on. Lust and Levi, nothing else mattered.He gripped onto Levi’s sweater. Pleasure wrapped around him, and when Eren orgasmed he shuddered, "Fuck, Levi, yes, oh- oh, fuck!" Through his orgasm he continued to thrust slowly against Levi’s thigh, not wanting the arousal to slip away and the moment to end so quickly. Levi’s name fell from his lips in a whine until Eren finally stopped, legs shaking. He stilled as he panted against Levi’s shoulder, exhausted, the ground below still swaying from the shots of whiskey. “You did so well, angel. Do you feel better now, hmm?” Levi whispered. He paused, and continued when Eren nodded. “Good... listen, baby... there is one other thing I need you to do for me. Can you do that?""Ah, of- of course," Eren said with a gasp, still catching his breath."While I’m gone, I want you to do something. Be a good boy for me, and look in your father’s study. If you do, we can do whatever you want on Sunday,” Levi purred the latter half, pressing a kiss to Eren’s temple as he fell limp against Levi’s arms. “And if you want to suck me off, we can do that too…”A weak smile reached Eren’s lips. Pink had painted his cheeks and his heartbeat thumped widely in his chest from the intense lust he had felt minutes before. He swallowed, pausing to suck in a deep breath, before he said: “I’d look in the study… even if we did nothing on Sunday. I’d- I'd do anything for you, remember?”“Mhm, I didn’t forget, but I thought it’d say it as a little motivation, my love,” Levi’s hands trail down Eren’s back. “You make me so proud, you know… I’m so happy when you do these things, for me.”He turned his head to meet Levi’s gaze. A small smile curled on Levi’s lips, and Eren returned it.“I like making you proud,” Eren said, voice weak.“That’s exactly right,” Levi leaned down to kiss him. “You do.”If Eren couldn't make his parents proud, then that was fine. He'll make Levi proud. Maybe Levi was a little - only a little - more important then his parents, anyway.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Sitting in church, Eren said not a single word.Over the past few days, he had not spoken much at all. Not to Mikasa, not to Armin or his friends. There had only been a handful of times that he’d talked to his parents, and they were all muttered words said with a bitter undertone. Usually, Eren would grow restless with the lack of conversations and interactions with the people he held dear to him. Yet, there was nothing but an emptiness that weighed down on his shoulders. It wasn’t that he didn’t speak much out of anger, or hurt; Eren simply did not feel like speaking much at all.Unless that person was Levi. He craved Levi’s presence; he desperately wanted to see his lover again, to cuddle up to him, to tell him anything he wanted to hear.After the events earlier in the week, Eren’s father and mother had kept their eye on him. They watched his every move like a hawk, and made Mikasa report back to them on how Eren behaved as if she was a soldier. As a result of the increased supervision, it made it more difficult than before to sneak into the study. That, and because his father – for a reason still unknown to Eren – had spent the last few nights locked in the study, awake into the midnight hours. Rod Reiss had not visited, so Eren could not even listen to any conversions. The only thing he could see was the flicker of lantern light from underneath the study door, and occasionally he heard his father sigh through the wall.There was nothing that Eren could find to tell Levi. It had left him on edge throughout the week. Eren wanted to please Levi, to make him proud of him. He needed to find at least something.So, that morning as the family made the way to their church on the hill, Eren finally came up with a plan to sneak into the study whilst nobody was around. Whether it would work, he had no idea at all.His father stood tall at the front of the church, reciting the words of the Lord to the worshippers around Eren. His mother sat beside him, with Mikasa on the other side. Eren had been a little shocked that his mother sat beside him. With the way he had been treated that week, Eren would have expected to be sat by himself in the back corner. “That is the conclusion of our Sunday mass,” Eren’s father said, voice booming from where he stood. “But, I would also like to ask one last thing.”At that moment Eren’s father nodded in the direction of the family. Out of the corner of Eren’s eye, he saw Mikasa stand up and walk to the front stage. Whispers of other churchgoers could be heard around them. With curious eyes and a pacing heart, he watched as Mikasa picked up a woven basket from the wooden bench behind her father, and returned to stand beside Grisha. Eren recognised it immediately - at the end of every month, the basket would be passed around and people gave donations to the Church. Beside him, his mother clasped her hands together, a grin etched across her face as she flicked her braided black locks off her shoulder with the whip of her head. Confusion flooded Eren's senses at the sight. Over the years, he'd learned to become attuned to his mother's facial expressions and emotions. She felt excieted, Eren could tell, and that left him wondering if there was something happening that he had been unaware of. What is exciting about asking the other members of the community to donate to their church? They’ve done it hundreds of times over the years of owning it.Grisha cleared his throat, and the whispers came to a stop. “My wife, Carla, and I, have decided to open a new clinic.”
Please, no.
In an instant, the world came to a standstill. His heartbeat stopped, and all the air evaporated from his lungs. The warm blood rushing through his veins turned cold.Eren couldn’t even hear the next few words his father spoke. Each fiber of his being turned to stone as if concrete had been injected directly into his bloodstream. Sitting stiff in his seat, Eren felt unable to move, run or protest against what he knew was going to happen. A low hum filled his ears, as if he had been plunged under water, suffocating him. Pure panic pulsed through him, right down to his bones. His chest ached, his skin burned, and yet Eren could do nothing but stare. The ache felt worse than when he had first learned of his father's plans to open a clinic. It felt more real, more close to him than it did before. A collective clap interrupted the silence, and pulled Eren back into reality.Mikasa smiled beside their father. Eren wanted to throw up, to cry, to choke on his own breath.She made her way down the aisle, and with horror Eren watched as people eagerly tossed handfuls of coins into the basket. People were congratulating his father, thanking their family, saying words of praise as his father followed behind Mikasa. His mother stood up beside him, and when she turned around and glared at Eren with a cold expression, thin lips and furrowed brows, he knew he had to follow. It would be a shame to their family if Eren stayed behind. People would spread rumours. Rumours that would hurt. With each step Eren’s knees buckled. Fingernails dug into his skin where he clenched his fists at his sides. The stinging pain that shot through him when they broke the skin, tearing new wounds over the healing, faded ones, was enough to stop the tears that blurred Eren’s vision from rolling down his flushed cheeks. He couldn’t cry. Not here, not in front of his entire community. If he cried, then they would know, and Eren would be tortured until the secret inside him was locked away for forever.In front of him, his mother and father shook hands with the people standing in the aisles. Mikasa bowed as people gave her money, occasionally shaking hands with some churchgoers. The wide, toothy grin on her face made the world around him spin as if the ground beneath his feet had turned to water, and Eren was falling into the lake, ready to drown in his own fear and suffering. The girl before him, with her beautiful, long black hair, gentle dark grey eyes and smile that Eren had once found comforting was no longer his sister. She couldn’t be.
How could she support this? It’s torture.
She would hate me. Mikasa would hate me, just like mother and father would.
When his gaze locked with Armin’s in the crowd, it took all of Eren’s remaining strength not to sob. His best friend frowned at him, his hands still in his lap. Both Armin and his grandfather did not stand. No coins were held in their hands to give to Mikasa, and out of the corner of Eren’s eyes he saw as she hesitated as she walked past their row. Armin’s grandfather stared at his feet. He shook his head and waved his hand, disinterested when Eren’s mother asked him a question that Eren was unable to hear.Concern had weaved itself into Armin’s expression. Panic must have been weaved into Eren’s, then, if Armin had noticed the way Eren was not as eager as the rest of his family. The thought sent his heartbeat racing, pounding painfully against his ribcage. From the look alone Eren could not tell how Armin felt – but he knew that if Armin learned the true reason why he struggled to keep up with his family in front of him – then his best friend would look at him in shame. Only Levi could ever understand Eren.
If Armin has noticed, then others will notice too. I can’t let them. They’ll be disgusted in me.
It felt agonising to turn his pleading gaze away from his best friend as Eren forced a shaking smile. He pushed his shoulders back, let his trembling fists relax, and managed a small wave. Each movement felt as if Eren was swimming in quicksand. Each movement sent him sinking, further down into fear and panic and sorrow, but it was the only thing he knew how to do in this moment.As he gazed out at the rows of people before him, Eren wanted more than ever to sink into the pit of quicksand. It would be dark, cold, silent; but at least, he would not have to see the sickening smiles etched onto the people’s faces, and hear the way they clapped at the thought of torturing the sick. At the thought of torturing people like me. Waiting behind his father, Eren's heart pounded painfully in his chest. Many people had left the church now, or at least gone outside to help themselves to complimentary food and drinks that were always offered after Sunday mass. A burning question sat at the tip of Eren's tongue as he waited for his father to finish speaking to another man. He had only heard snippets of their conversation - it had been about the clinic - and it almost made Eren start to panic once more.The anxiety rushing through his system had calmed, yet a dull ache still weighed over Eren's heart. Over the past few days, he had tried to not feel too hurt by his parents actions. After all, as Levi said, they were not as important as Eren once believed. Yet it still hurt. They would be disgusted in him if they ever found out the truth. “What is it?”Snapping out of his thoughts, Eren glanced up to meet his father's glare. The other man had left. His father stood tall, his arms crossed over his chest. Beneath his glasses Eren could see the crease between his furrowing brows. Not a flicker of love, empathy or comfort could be seen in his father’s eyes, as if speaking to his only son was an inconvenience for him. Eren sucked in a deep breath, gulping down the knot in the back of his throat. “I-I’m not feeling that well. I feel really sick, and… my head hurts very bad.”It wasn’t a whole lie. After the surge of panic through his system, Eren felt drained of all energy. All he wanted was to fall into bed and sleep.“And?”“I- I- Can I-” Eren stuttered out, his cheeks growing hot under his father’s unchanging stare. “P-Please go… go home… so I can- can rest?”His father ran a hand through his hair, pinching his nose bridge as he closed his eyes and sighed. Between them there was silence, and Eren bit his lip as he waited for the yelling, the slap, the disappointed words that would be thrown in his direction.When a hand rested on his shoulder, Eren nearly jumped out of his skin.“Fine. Go home, sleep, recover,” His father said. Eren blinked at him, taken back at the sudden softness in his father's tone. “You’re…. not making me stay?”“Your mother, Mikasa and I have been invited by the Leonhart family to go to a lunch,” His father, glanced around the emptying church, before locking eyes with Eren again. He recognised the last name, and his smile fell. “You were not asked to come, so I was planning on telling you to go home, anyway.”Knives stabbed into Eren’s heart.“I wasn’t asked to go? But… but I’m your son, and-” Eren paused. Not being asked to go is a good thing, he told himself, now I have a chance to break into the study without father being home. “You’re my son, yes, but with the way you have been acting lately I do not think it is appropriate that you are allowed to go out to his lunch and enjoy yourself. Besides, did you not say that you are sick?” His father raised an eyebrow at him. Ignoring the sinking feeling in his chest, Eren nodded. “Then go home. This isn’t up for argument. Now, get out of my sight before I change my mind and make you stay behind to clean up instead.”Eren mumbled a thank you, before turning around and almost running through the open, large church doors and out into the sun. He didn’t stop to say goodbye to his mother or sister – not that they had noticed Eren’s lacking presence – for now that he had his father’s permission, the task that Eren had been focused on all week filled his mind. He need to go into the study. He needed to find something on the Ackerman family to tell Levi. That is all that mattered now.With his back turned, Eren missed the way Armin’s eyes followed him as he ran down the hill.The houses had become a blur as Eren ran home from church. By the time he reached the Jaeger's house, burning fire filled his lungs and his breaths became quick heaves. He sprinted up the stairs without stopping for even a moment, mind completely focused on what he had to do. Eren estimated that there would be at least an hour until his parents arrived home - only an hour to find something for his beloved Levi. Skidding into his room, Eren grabbed the small hair-pin Levi had given him out of the drawer on his bedside table. Eren had not had a chance to try it by himself yet.Hands trembled with excitement and from a thrilling rush as Eren pushed the pin into the lock of the study door. It wiggled around for a moment before the satisfying clicks reached his ears, and the wooden door slowly fell open with a long, high-pitched creak. Behind the door, sunlight filtered in from the half-closed curtains and illuminated the room. As it was before, when Eren had last been inside, unsorted paper, letters and documents had been scattered across the desk. The bookcases that lined either side of the wall were still neatly filled with binders and books. A half-melted candle sat in the corner of his father’s dark oaked desk. Nothing had changed.Walking around his father’s desk he sat in the chair, and quickly began shuffling through the items. His heartbeat pounded fiercely in his chest to the point Eren almost felt sick, and with every slight creak or small sound it leaped. If his parents found him, Eren would be beaten, no doubt. Frustration began to boil up inside him after a few minutes of searching. His father’s small, cursive writing proved to be difficult for Eren to read. All he found were bills, letters to other influential families of the town that Eren could barely understand, and papers filled with paragraphs of indecipherable words. Nothing in front of him said anything about the Ackermans. Nothing in front of him gave any clues, nothing in front of him seemed to be enough to please Levi.Tears of defeat blurred his vision. Eren had nothing to give Levi.With a sigh, he sunk back into his chair, and wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. His eyes scanned the cluttered desk before him, waiting for something to pop out at him. Ignoring the sinking weight in his chest, Eren shuffled the papers he had already looked over into one pile, and the others that he could not read into another.All that was left on the table was one thick letter. It had already been torn open, and written on the front of the browning paper was his father’s name in cursive letters. Curiosity poked at him, and Eren picked it up gently. With trembling fingers he pulled out the letter from inside the envelope.
Grisha,
We have organised extra security for the Mayor’s Ball next Friday, as per your request. Fifteen more guards have been scheduled that evening. As well, ten small groups of our finest soldiers are to be patrolling the city at the same time, searching for them.
We have gathered some information that the family have been increasing their activities and movement, however, none of the civilians that we have interrogated gave any information on their whereabouts and where they stay. But, we do have reasons to believe that they could possibly be targeting the ball on Friday. You were correct in your suspicions.
In regards to your clinic, if you consider a payment, we could offer up our services to promote it to the town and our own soldiers. We will always support your family, Grisha, but do understand that these are changing times, and due to changing opinion on these certain individuals, we believe that a payment will be a good… thank you, for putting our reputation on the line.
Kind Regards,
Mr Leonhart.
Eren read over the message, again and again. It felt as if his heart had stopped beating as the world around him came to a slow. A part of him celebrated at finally finding something worth showing Levi; but the bigger, more dominant part of him sat confused and stiff in his father’s chair. The family mentioned in the letter must be the Ackermans, that Eren had been sure about. But, the latter half of the message left a chill running down his spine.He recognised the last name. It was Annie’s father, the newly appointed chief of the military police. Eren wondered if his father and Mr Leonhart were talking about the situation in the letter, at the lunch that his own family were having with them right now. What did Mr Leonhart mean by offering up his services? Folding the letter, Eren pushed it back into the torn envelope. Standing up, he made sure to mess up the two piles of paper again in order to leave the desk as it were when he found it. With the letter held firm in one hand, Eren pushed the chair back in behind the desk, left the room, and shut it closed.The letter was what Eren needed to find for Levi. Now that he had found it, there was no use pondering over it further until he was with Levi again. Night had fallen. The crescent moon sat high in the midnight sky, leaving only limited light to guide Eren and Levi’s way through the southern streets. As Levi had promised, they were walking back to his home, where – if Levi found the information Eren gave him good enough – they would do… things.In all honesty, Eren had completely forgotten about that part of the promise. Pleasing Levi was all that Eren had been thinking about when he broke into his father’s study. Holding Levi’s hand, however, a blush had crept across Eren’s cheeks at the touch, and at the thought that later that evening they could be doing things that he had only dreamed about these past weeks. He wasn't quite sure if he wanted to, however, now that the alcohol no longer clouded his mind. The week had been long, stressful, and a little bit painful - except for those few hours where he had been with Levi. All Eren really wanted to do was be held in his arms. On the way to Levi’s home, both the two boys talked about their week. Eren talked about how he spent a lot of time talking to Erwin during school lunch instead of Armin or Mikasa, and how it didn’t bother him as much as it used to that his parents were a little bit distant. Levi told him that he was proud of Eren for that, which only made his heart feel full with love. Levi's week had apparently been far too busy. His uncle had more jobs than usual, so Levi hadn't had a lot of spare time. Eren didn’t tell Levi about the incident at the church that morning. Perhaps he would mention it when he gave Levi the letter, but, in the dark silence, he simply wanted to be at peace. Every few moments he caught Levi smiling at him, and Eren would smile back, and each time his heart would grow bigger in size. A feeling of utter lovesickness had consumed Eren, but he didn’t mind at all. Levi’s touch, Levi’s smile, Levi’s kisses had so quickly become Eren’s favourite thing in the world.Inside Levi’s home, Eren was confused to find that Isabel, Furlan and Kenny were not there. It had been nearing midnight - where in the world could they be? But when Levi kissed him hard in the doorway, all of it washed away, and he smiled into the tender touch. His hands came up to curl around Levi’s neck, his legs around Levi’s waist, and he let his boyfriend carry him through the house and up to his room.As it was before, Levi’s room was dark, with only the dim moonlight gently lighting their way. His back hit the bed and Levi crawled up over him, resting over Eren’s hips. That intoxicating, beautiful smirk that Eren adored curled Levi’s lips, and he sighed into the silence. Gently, Eren's hand came up to trace Levi's jawline.“I missed you,” Levi said, hands running up and down Eren’s chest. “Did you do what I asked, baby?”“Of course,” Eren whispered.“What did you find?”Sitting up, with Levi still in his lap, Eren fished the letter from the pocket of his red sweater. The corners were a little crumbled, but he smoothed it with his fingers before handing it to the older boy in front of him. His heartbeat thumped a harder in his chest, and with curious eyes he watched as a small frown etched itself across Levi’s flawless skin as he read the letter in his hands.“D-Do you understand what it means?” Eren said. His question was left hanging in the silence.After a moment, Levi hummed. “Your father wants to catch the Ackermans, I suppose. He thinks that by intimidating innocent civilians who have done nothing wrong but simply... asked for their services, that they can gather information. It's pathetic.”He held his breath. "Pathetic?""Mhm. Don't you think it's pitiful to order the military police to make these innocent people cower in fear? They're desperate, and for that I pity them."Eren paused, watching as Levi re-read the crumbed letter in his hands. Since he was young, his family had been close with other influential families of the military police. The Braun family, and the Hoover family, were two that Eren often visited as a child. His father and mother always talked highly of the police, and said that they protected Shiganshina from gangs and violent families. Yet, Levi was saying that his father was pathetic for... well. What was his father doing, exactly?Eren had not forgotten that his father said a member of the Ackerman family was close to them. Right now, as he learned more about the Ackermans and the secrets that his father kept, the lines between right and wrong seemingly became more blurred. Levi must be right, however. It must be pathetic that the military police are intimidating members of the public to gather more information. Perhaps, they were not as heroic as Eren had thought them to be."Yeah. It is pathetic." Levi's eyes flickered up from the letter to meet Eren’s. A smirk tugged slightly on his lips. "That's exactly right. And thank you, for finding this for me, Eren. You’re always so good to me.”Eren gave a small smile and leaned forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Levi's waist to pull his lover closer. “It’s okay, I just wanted to make you happy.”His heart skipped a beat when Levi pressed a kiss to the top of his forehead. Eren sighed, finding comfort in Levi’s embrace and his warm words, and closed his eyes. His mind drifted back to the events earlier in the day, and he mumbled absentmindedly: “I think my father is asking others, not just the Leonhart family, for support for the clinic. But I don’t understand why.”“Perhaps he needs money.”“But our family is already… wealthy enough. He doesn’t need money for it. He asked the people at our church to give us donations, even though I know we can afford it.”“Really? How odd. Maybe he’s using it for something else.”Eren chuckled at that, and shook his head slightly. “There’s nothing else he could use the money for.”“There’s an election coming up soon. People always use a lot of money during elections," Levi replied.“I guess,” Eren said. He lifted his head, meeting Levi’s gaze, and pressed a small kiss to his lips. Even after weeks of being together, and hundreds of kisses, Eren still adored the way it made his chest grow warm with love and sparks dance across his skin. Talking about his father and the strange letter made Eren grow a little anxious, a little too confused, and all Eren really wanted to do now was be close with Levi. He wanted his touch, his softness, his warmth.“About my little promise, baby,” Levi trailed kisses alongside Eren’s jawline. The letter had been discarded somewhere along the bed, and his hands trailed up and down Eren’s back. “I didn’t forget.”“L-Levi,” Eren bit back a moan when his lover started to suck hickeys on the sensitive area of skin, just above his collarbone. His hands came up to run through Levi’s undercut, and shocks of bliss ran through his body. It felt good, amazing, wonderful; yet, as well, a stronger part of Eren… simply did not feel like doing anything, in that moment. The week had been too long. All he wanted was to hold Levi close to him. “Can… we... ah, maybe, not today?” He stuttered out.Levi’s movements halted. Pulling back, Levi’s hands found the sides of Eren’s face. Hesitantly Eren met his gaze, worried that he would be annoyed at Eren for not wanting to do this in this moment. Yet, Levi’s eyes were soft, and in the dark Eren could see a small, gentle smile etched across his face.“Of course, angel. There’s no need to rush,” He leaned in, pressing a kiss to Eren’s forehead.“If you want, we can, I just-”“No, no, Eren. We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want us to. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, alright?” Levi whispered, thumb gently rubbing Eren’s cheek, careful not to press too hard over the still-bandaged, healing cut beneath Eren’s cheekbone.“But if it’ll make you happy, then-”“You giving me that letter made me happy enough, Eren,” Levi said.Eren breathed out, closing his eyes. Leaning forward to press their foreheads together Eren smiled, tightening his grip around Levi’s waist. “Thank you… and, I’m happy that I made you happy.”Levi would never hurt Eren. He’d never try to make him upset, or push him to do something that he didn’t want to. That was what separated him from everyone else in Eren’s life. With him, Eren always felt safe. Comforted, cared for, and protected; feelings that Eren ached for, and desired more than anything else. This is what real love felt like. Not the love that his mother and father gave him; that was love based on expectations, unrealistic promises of better grades and sinless actions.His lips found Levi’s, and gently and slowly they moved against each other in the dark. No rush or desperation could be felt in the kiss. It was simply there, soft and delicate, calming any remaining worries that lingered in Eren’s mind. It felt as if Eren and Levi were the only people in the world. Levi stopped, and mumbled against Eren’s lips: “Are you going to that ball, on Friday?”Eren nodded.“I want to see you in a suit, you’d look hot,” Levi purred, “Meet me at Hanji’s café afterwards, perhaps?”A low chuckle could be heard from Levi when Eren eagerly nodded again. Warm hands reached up under Eren’s red sweater to trail up and down his back, sending sparks dancing across his skin and his heart beating fast in his chest. Levi continued, “Do you know what this… ball is about?”“Rod Reiss will be talking about the election, I think. Usually, there’s other influential families from all over the city and the entire Maria district that come, too.”“When you see me again, tell me what Rod Reiss says, hmm?” Levi raised a brow. Eren nodded, gazing at Levi with half-lidded eyes. He rested his head on Levi’s shoulder, heart beating a little faster than it was moments before. Eren didn’t really understand why Levi was so interested in what Rod Reiss would say about his election, but he didn’t question it. After all, Levi was older than Eren, and he was free. He would know better than Eren did. If he wanted Eren to do this, he would."Remember, angel, this is a little secret between us, okay?" Levi said. "Your parents and friends would keep us apart if they found out.""I'd never tell them!" Eren rushed out, feeling his heartbeat skip a beat at the thought of never seeing Levi again. It would break him."Good boy." Together they laid with each other in silence, hands slowly exploring each other’s skin, small kisses being pressed against foreheads, collarbones, cheeks, and slightly swollen lips. Nothing else mattered as they laid there on Levi's bed with the moonlight shining in on them. Not his mother, or father, or Mikasa or Armin. Eren soaked in Levi's warmth, breathed in the gentle smell of vanilla that lingered on his skin, memorised the outline of Levi's body in the dark.At seeing how Levi smiled brightly when Eren showed him the letter, and how he had been so happy, Eren knew that it was the right thing to do. Lies had always been told to Eren by his father, anyway, and so no guilt remained at stealing the letter. Since Wednesday, Eren had pondered over what Levi had told him earlier in the week, and he had decided what Levi said must be true. Eren didn’t really love his father and mother as much as he thought he did. They were always so cruel to him, and hurt him until he cried and begged them to stop. Why should Eren listen to them? Why should he obey them?Listening to Levi, however, made sense. Levi was Eren’s boyfriend, and weren’t couples meant to listen to, and support each other? Eren didn’t know a lot about love, or how relationships worked. His mother and father never bothered to teach him much about it, other than that he was expected to have a wife one day. Yet, even with his lack of experience, he knew that with Levi, everything felt right and good. They were doing nothing wrong. There were no sins, no lies between them, no hurt or broken promises. Unlike his parents, who were so cruel and unkind, Levi would never hurt anyone. The only people Levi would hurt are those who wanted to hurt Eren.Memories of weeks ago, when Levi had protected Eren against those military police members who wanted to take him away, crossed his mind. For the first few days after it had happened Eren had been confused, and perhaps even a little uncomfortable at knowing how strong Levi truly was. But now Eren knew that the military police weren’t really to be trusted – Levi had told him that – and that he was only protecting him. Now, it comforted Eren to know that Levi could protect him against soldiers, even.“I… like you, a lot,” Eren mumbled, nuzzling his cheek against Levi’s chest. Levi's steady heartbeat matched his own, and having his lover so close to him relaxed Eren right down to his bones. After the week he had, Levi was the remedy Eren needed.“Hmm? Even more than… your parents?” Levi said, his hands reaching up to run through Eren’s locks.“Yeah,” Eren sighed, not missing a beat. A few months ago, he would never admit to liking Levi more than his own mother and father. His family were everything to him. There was nothing more in this world that mattered more than his kin, and a fading part of him still felt that way. But Eren also knew better now. “I do.”“Good,” Levi’s voice had lowered to a deep whisper. His lips pressed a gentle kiss to the top of Eren’s forehead. “I like you too, Eren. More than your parents, or your friends, or your sister do. Remember that, angel. Unlike everyone else, I'll never hurt you.”With that, Eren leaned up to kiss Levi once more.Until early morning, Eren remained in Levi's embrace, and they cuddled under the light of the moon.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Something is wrong, Eren.”At the soft words spoken by Armin, Eren stilled. Each hair on the back of his neck raised, his eyes widening a little as his heartbeat began to pace. It was Wednesday lunch, the air crisp and cold on his skin, and the sun peaked out through thick grey clouds that covered the afternoon sky. Armin sat beside Eren, where they leaned against the bricked wall of the school house. Mikasa did not sit with them – she sat with Annie inside, but Eren preferred it that way.“What do- do you mean?” Eren stuttered out, stifling an awkward laugh. He could see the way a frown pulled down on Armin’s soft features, a line forming between his furrowing brows. He fiddled with his fingers in his lap, cocking his head to the side.“You know what I mean. I saw how you acted on Sunday.”Sunday. The day Eren realised that his sister was just as vile as his mother and father. Since then, being around his family made his throat tight and his heart ache. Each word Eren spoke to them had been perfectly calculated and pre-planned in his head; the fear of his secret being found out had started to consume him.He wasn’t a fool. Eren had seen the way Armin looked at him on Sunday at church. Though, after waiting a few days for his best friend to ask the burning question, Eren had figured that maybe he would not ask at all, and let Eren’s panicked behaviour slide. Alas, Armin noticed everything. “I- I- I was just a little sick.”“You looked like you were going to cry.”“My eyes were dry!” Eren snapped back, twisting to face Armin with widened eyes. His voice picked up in pitch, his hands frantically waving in front of him, dismissing whatever Armin had theorised. “Listen, you- you just read into things a little too much, why would I cry during… during… during-”“During your parents asking for donations for their clinic?” Armin raised a brow, cocking his head to the side. Gently, he reached out to rest his hand on Eren’s thigh, making Eren shudder from the cool touch. “It’s okay, Eren. You can cry. I found it horrific, too, and so did my grandfather.”Inside his chest, Eren’s heart throbbed so fast it hurt. It felt as if it had turned to stone, a heavy weight resting underneath his ribcages and on his lungs, leaving him without any air to breathe at all. Lips began to tremble as Eren shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut so Armin did not see how they welled up with frightened tears.“You… you found it horrific?” Eren choked, each sound coarse in his tight throat. Repeating the words Armin had said hit him like bricks; he was sure, certain, and utterly convinced that Armin would had been disgusted with the way he reacted. After all, his parents were trying to cure these people. Is that not a good thing? And yet, Armin’s words were spoken so soft, without a flicker of hatred in it at all.“Of course I did, Eren. What they described isn’t medicine, it’s torture, and inhumane!”Eren shook his head. No. No. Armin must be lying. Levi said only he will understand me. Armin isn’t free yet, he’s not like us, he can’t… he can’t think it’s okay.“Do you not think it’s disgusting?” Armin asked.Again, Eren shook his head. He sucked in a deep breath and opened his eyes, looking at Armin’s blurred figure before him. The same frown from before had been etched into Armin’s features, only a little deeper this time. Eren mumbled, “I…. But- But- You- You’re… not…”“Gay?”The racing thoughts in his head stopped. “What?”“I’m not gay? Okay. But, I can still understand that it’s wrong to treat them that way.”“No, I mean, what- what is… gay?” Eren whispered the latter word, the sounds foreign on his tongue.“Oh… It’s… another word for homosexual,” Armin said, his hand gently rubbing Eren’s knee in comfort. “A nicer one, though. I think most people use homosexual as a way to define it as some sort of sickness, but gay is not a word used for that. They’re still the same thing, though. Just a sexuality.”Eren blinked in silence, jaw slacked as he stared at his best friend. Armin spoke of these things as if they were normal, and not something most parents refused to talk about to their children.It left his mind clouded with pacing thoughts; is Armin free, too? Had I made a mistake in thinking that he was like Mikasa, my parents, and everyone else?There was also this new, strange word. Gay. As Armin said, it did feel nicer than homosexual. Eren mouthed the words repeatedly, becoming familiar with the way it felt.“What I think is disgusting, Eren,” Armin started, and the panic came rushing back to Eren like storm waves. It crashed into him, soaking him in fear, and suddenly every inch of his body internally trembled as he awaited Armin’s next words.
It’s me. He thinks it’s wrong what my parents are doing, but Armin must know, he’s smart, he’s figured it out, he knows that I’m- that I’m- that I’m gay, he knows it, he’ll think I’m gross, he’ll-
“Is how Mikasa just… looked so damn happy up there with your parents.”Eren stilled.
Oh. He doesn’t hate me.
With a deep sigh, Eren let his muscles relaxed. He blinked away his tears, gulping down the knot in his throat, and hesitantly nodded a reply. “Y-Yeah…”His best friend leaned his head against the brick wall, hand slipping off Eren’s thigh and into his own lap. The dark circles under his eyes became more visible in the shade after leaning out of the afternoon sun. No smile sat on Armin’s face, not even a small one, but no frown was etched into his features either. His face was blank. Something Eren found unusual to see in his best friend.“I just always thought… that she wouldn’t agree to something like that. I don’t understand how she can listen to what your father said and thought it was good. You know, Eren,” Armin’s gaze flickered back to him, “I thought I knew her better. I guess I don’t.”“I knew she would,” Eren said.Armin paused. “There’s something different between you two now.”“Yeah, well, I think… I think I’ve sort of realised that, even though she’s nice sometimes… she prefers our parents love and attention over anything I give her.”“I’m sorry,” Armin said, hand once again resting over Eren’s knee. But Eren simply shrugged, a sign that he didn’t want to dwell on the subject – if he did, then he wasn’t sure if he could control the tears – and turned his gaze to the ground beneath him. Outside the school house were paved pathways circling the building. There Eren and Armin sat, and through the cobbled stones Eren could see the small flowering weeds struggling to poke up into the sun.A sigh escaped his lips and a silence fell between the pair. Inside, he could hear the mumbled chatter of his classmates. Outside, he could feel the cool wind on his skin, and the faint singsong of birds. Winter was fast approaching, and as each day went by it became more cold and often overcast. Today was one of the rare days this week in which the sun had been out.“Can… Can I ask you a question?” Eren asked, eyes still focused on one of the small yellow flowers.“Always.”His heartbeat picked up in his chest. A tremble was to be heard in his words, as Eren said in a whisper: “Would you be… disgusted, if… perhaps, someone you knew… was like those people. The sick ones.”Hesitantly Eren’s gaze met Armin’s. A small, soft-hearted smile had curled Armin’s lips, and even in the cold his blue eyes held only warmth in them. When Armin’s hand reached up to grab Eren’s he almost jumped at the sudden contact, with his heart blooming in his chest a second later at the realisation of what it meant. No words need to be spoken – Eren knew Armin’s answer – and it created a blanket of safety, belonging, comfort, that draped over him. No longer did he need to feel scared. Armin would accept him. Levi accepted him.If nobody else did, then perhaps that would be okay. He didn’t need anybody else.Armin spoke, anyway, his words barely a whisper. “No. I wouldn’t be disgusted at all.” “Eren, please stay behind. I have some things to discuss with you.”The bell had rung, signifying the end of the school day. His classmates had begun to pack up and leave when Erwin asked him to stay behind. Eren had to bite back a grin – he knew why he was staying – but when Mikasa’s head snapped around to face him, his expression turned into a scowl.“I’m sorry, sir, but Eren needs to come home with me,” Mikasa said, eyes still locked with Eren’s.A few of his classmates stopped to stare. Eren’s fists began to curl by his sides as his starving anger bubbled up inside of him. His sister had no expression on her face, but he could hear the faint mockery and smugness to her tone that left him seething. Ever since Erwin had secretly told him this morning the reason why he would be asked to stay behind, it’d been the one thing Eren had looked forward to all day. He would not let his sister try to stop it.“Well, tell your mother and father that I apologise on Eren’s behalf but I have some things to discuss with him. He’ll be home by four o’clock, I can assure you.”“And what are those things to discuss?” Mikasa snapped, tearing her eyes away from Eren to glare at Erwin. A hush fell over the room, with now all of their classmates stopping, their attention snatched up by Mikasa’s resistance. Out of the corner of Eren’s eyes he saw the way Armin’s gaze flickered between Mikasa and Eren, another frown tugging down on his lips.Erwin seemed unfazed by Mikasa’s irritated tone. He leaned against the desk, taking a slow sip of a glass of water. His lips curled up to a smirk and he lightly chuckled, the sound echoing throughout the quiet classroom. “His grades, that’s all.”“Well, too bad, because he needs to come home with me!”“Seriously, Mikasa,” Eren spoke up, slamming his fists onto his desk, making his school book and pencils jump from the impact. “What is your issue? Just tell mother and father that Mr Smith needed to talk to me! It’s fine! Go home!”“Yeah, it’s not like Eren’s five,” Connie snickered from the corner of the room.Mikasa stuttered, letting out a huffed sigh before pressing her lips into a thin line. She gathered her books from the desk and shoved them into her book bag. Nobody spoke as she moved. When she stomped past him, her shoulder hit Eren’s, forcing him to stagger back a step. At that his heart twisted, pained with the knowledge that she must be frustrated with him. Even though a part of him wanted to yell at her, to tell her to leave him alone and to scream in sorrow at why she would support their parent’s clinic, her cold actions still stung.
Dear God, why did you have to make me so damn soft?
Eventually the rest of his classmates left the bricked building. Eren sat in his desk again, leaning into the chair, biting his cheek to stop himself from smiling. Erwin had his back turned to him as he dusted notes from the day’s lessons off the blackboard, but when he spoke the words were as loud as if he was right beside Eren.“You know; your sister really does get on my nerves.”Eren snorted, kicking back in his seat to rock back and forth in his chair. “Tell me about it.”“Why was she so adamant about you coming home with her, anyway?” Erwin said, putting down the duster and turning around to lock gazes with Eren. “She didn’t act like that before.”“Because I’m in trouble. Still. It’s been weeks, though.”“What did you do?”Leaning forward to rest his elbows on his desk and head in his palm, a sigh slipped past Eren’s lips. “Oh, I told her to shut the fuck up. It was after you gave us the higher grades. Neither her or my parents believed me. Remember when I had the cut on my cheek?”“What a bitch,” Erwin commented, walking around his desk and over to Eren. His heart leaped at the word, but he ignored it, internally telling himself to grow up. “That cut healed nicely, though. Did the cream help?”He hummed, nodding. Erwin stood to the side of him, resting against Armin’s desk. A brief silence fell over the two, before his teacher spoke again. “I’m sorry they don’t think you could get those grades.”“Yeah,” Eren muttered. His gaze drifted to the wooden slabbed floor beneath them, the familiar ache spreading throughout his chest. Over the past week he’d tried to ignore the burning realisation that he would always, always be seen as lesser than his sister, yet it still had been at the front of his mind.Perhaps, if Mikasa had never been adopted, then his parents would be proud of him. He’d be their only son, the perfect golden child. If Mikasa was never adopted, then Eren could at least be first in a few of the classes at school, and maybe that would be enough to win over their adoration. Sometimes, in his darkest dreams, Eren wished that Mikasa would just disappear.But that’s only when he’s upset at her. He would never willingly want her to be hurt, or disappear. After all, he’s his sister, his family, still. Eren is certain that he would be heartbroken if she left him.The door of the schoolhouse creaked open. A cool breeze drifted in from the outside, and Eren twisted around in his seat. At the sight of his beloved before him, a love-sick grin etched itself across his face.“Levi!” Eren leaped out of his chair. His lover walked towards him with open arms, pulling him into his embrace. Levi smelled the same; of vanilla, and as always he felt warm, even with the cold wind outside. Eren nuzzled his cheek into Levi’s moss-green sweater, feeling his heart grow with every passing second. There was no reason to worry about Mikasa anymore. That didn’t matter.“Did Erwin tell you I was coming, angel?” Levi murmured, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Eren’s head.“Yeah, yeah, I did, just like you asked,” Erwin said. From behind him, Eren could hear his teacher’s heavy footsteps drifting away from them. “Alright, I’m going to the back room to… uh, store some papers, or something. I’ll leave you two alone.”In Levi’s arms, Eren turned his head to the side, watching Erwin make his way to a door at the back of the room. “You aren’t staying?”“Honestly, I’m not in the mood to watch you two make out. But thanks, Eren.”Blush rushed to his cheeks at Erwin’s comment, and he buried his head into Levi’s chest, listening to the sound of his lover’s deep laughter. Together the two of them sat at Eren’s desk, with Eren sitting comfortably in Levi’s lap. He rested his head on Levi’s shoulder, letting his hair be played with by the other. Levi’s other hand gently ran up and down the bare skin of his back underneath his school shirt. Erwin had closed the door of the back door behind him, and as soon as he had left they kissed until neither had no air. It had only been a few days since they had seen each other, but Eren craved Levi so much at this point it felt like years; and he knew that his lover must have felt the same.“School was fine?” Levi asked, gently kissing Eren’s temple.Eren nodded, mind drifting back to his conversation with Armin earlier. A sigh escaped him, and he leaned back to meet Levi’s gaze. “I talked to Armin at lunch.”“Mhm? What did he say? Did he talk about some weird science thing, again?”A smile tugged on Eren’s lips. “No, no.” He paused, eyes falling to the floor. “He… said some things. About how he feels about my parent’s… clinic.”Levi’s hand squeezed his side. “Go on, baby. Tell me.”“Just… Levi, do you think, maybe Armin could… understand. Us,” Eren said, words hesitantly spoken on his tongue. He knew Levi would never grow angry with him, yet he still felt cautious bringing it up with the older boy; Eren didn’t want Levi to feel that he had been wrong.
No, Levi’s never wrong. Don’t think like that.
Levi cocked his head to a side, an eyebrow raised. “Why do you think that?”“He said he doesn’t… doesn’t… doesn’t that people like us are disgusting.”Before him Levi’s expression remained still, absent, showing no emotion at all. A silence fell over the lovers, and Eren felt his heart twist as he awaited Levi’s reply. His hands trembled against Levi’s shoulders as the anxiety began to fill his blood; Levi was so lovely, wonderful, strong and smart, Eren would be devastated to upset him. Levi had told him that nobody else would ever really understand them, would understand him. In the entire world, Levi was the only person that understood Eren.
And yet you’re telling him that he is wrong. He said he’ll never lie to you. You’ve insulted him.
Armin was Eren’s best friend. Childhood memories of skipping stones along the beach, or reading books in the sun with the blond boy drifted across Eren’s mind and he felt his heart ache; would Armin lie to him? Would Armin really, truly, understand him, like Levi would? Armin made Eren laugh, Armin told him that he was proud of him, Armin didn’t feel the same as Mikasa and his parents did about the type of people Eren secretly was.Surely, Armin and Levi could understand Eren. Right?“That’s… kind, of him.”Levi’s words cut the silence like a knife.Eren bit his lip, watching as Levi’s eyes narrowed, as his eyebrows furrowed only just a little; barely noticeable, but Eren noticed it. Levi’s hands moved to rest on the lower of his back, drifting up underneath his school shirt. The touch sent shivers dancing across Eren’s skin.“But he won’t understand us.”With that, Eren’s shoulders slumped. The ache in his chest became stronger, spreading out through his body, weaving its way through his ribs and lungs. A small sigh slipped past his lips but he said no words, waiting for Levi to continue. He wanted Armin to understand them, he wanted – so desperately to the point it hurt – for Armin, his childhood best friend, a person he had always been able to rely on, to understand them. Yet, alas, he wouldn’t. Levi told him that. And Levi spoke only truth.“I know it hurts, angel,” One of Levi’s hands slipped out of his shirt and brushed away a stray tear on Eren’s cheek; he’d barely realised that he had been crying, or that his vision had become a little blurred, “But you believe me, don’t you? I’d never lie to you. I only want you to be free.”His throat began to tighten. It felt raw, painful and harsh. Eren nodded, blinking away tears.“Armin is a nice friend to you, and for that, I’m glad… perhaps he won’t hate you for your secret, but he’ll hate us. He won’t approve of you and me, being together like we are.”“But- But Armin is… is… is my best friend, I don’t just want to- to tell him I’m… I’m gay, I want him to know about you, he’ll- he’ll be happy for me,” Eren choked out, shaking his head. He sucked in shaking, heaving breaths, his heartbeat beginning to pace inside his chest.“You can tell him you’re gay, and maybe he’ll be happy for you for that. But you can’t tell him about us. You can’t. He won’t understand us, Eren. He will never understand.”“I want him to understand!”“Shh, shh, I know, I know love,” Levi cooed, pressing a soft kiss to Eren’s cheek, “It hurts, doesn’t it?”Eren nodded, scrunching his eyes shut. He pushed his head into Levi’s chest, shoulders trembling with each muffled sob. When Levi had told him that his friends would not understand, Eren had believed him. Yet he also believed that, one day, they’ll be free, too, and eventually, they’ll learn to understand.But Levi had said they never will.Armin will never understand him. He’ll never really, truly, accept the love Eren felt for Levi.“My poor little Eren… it’s okay, cry, I’ll hold you,” Levi said, his grip around Eren’s waist tightening.A feeling of loneliness draped over Eren, drowning him. Nobody – not his mother, not his father, not his sister, not his best friend – would understand Eren. Would he really walk through his life alone? Would he really only have Levi to understand him? It felt impossible that someone could be misunderstood by everyone but one other; yet, this is what Levi told him. And Levi had promised Eren that he would never lie to him. There was no reason for Eren to doubt Levi’s words.“I- I- feel like I have nobody,” Eren sobbed, pulling back to meet Levi’s gaze through tear-filled eyes. A frown etched into Eren’s face was polar-opposite to the small, gentle smile on Levi’s. He sniffled, hiccupping through his cries as one of Levi’s hand smoothed down his hair. His finger trailed Eren’s jawline, and he lifted his chin to press a soft kiss to Eren’s lips.“You have me, you’ll always have me, my love. Even if you have nobody else,” Levi said against Eren’s lips. He kissed him again, soft, gentle, tasting the tears on Eren’s tongue. It helped soothe Eren’s worries and calm the racing of his aching heart. He melted into Levi’s touch, craving it more than before. A part of his mind screamed at him to hold Levi closer. What if he held him too softly, and then Levi slipped through his hands? Then, Eren would be truly alone. Forever.“Don’t leave me,” Eren whispered, kissing Levi again before dipping his head to rest on Levi’s shoulder. He sighed, going limp in Levi’s arms. “You’re… you’re the only person who understands me.”“That’s exactly right, angel. Don’t worry, I’ll never leave you. You can always depend on me, okay? You’ll never leave me, either, right?”Eren closed his eyes, feeling the warm tears slide down his cheeks. He shook his head. “Never.” Sitting at the dinner table, Eren mindlessly pushed the vegetables around on his plate. His parents and Mikasa were deep in conversation, but Eren had drowned them out long ago.All evening his mind had been filled with Levi’s words. During the walk home Eren had finally ceased crying, and hugged Levi so tight when they reached the end of his street that his arms began to hurt. Now that it had truly sunken in that there was only one person in the whole world who understood him, Eren feared to be without him. He wanted Levi to stay by his side. What if something terrible happened to his lover whilst Eren was at school, or home? Eren still did not know a lot about Levi’s job, but sometimes he had strange cuts or bruises that would appear on his skin.On the walk home, Levi had reassured him that Armin can still be his best friend. He said that if Eren wanted to tell him that he’s gay, he can. Levi would support him with that. It was simply that Eren was to never tell him that Levi was his boyfriend. Levi had said not only will Armin not understand their relationship, but that it could put Levi in danger.At hearing that it would put Levi in danger solidified Eren’s decision in an instant. There was no information on how it would put Levi in danger, or why, but Eren did not question his lover. He’d do anything to protect Levi, and to keep him safe.He may tell Armin he’s gay. In the future, once Eren is certain that Armin will tell no other person. But he’ll never tell Armin, or anyone, about Levi. Nobody can know, for Levi’s own safety. For as long as Eren breathes, Levi will be his own little secret.“Eren, on Friday is the Mayor’s ball,” His father spoke, interrupting Eren’s thoughts.Lifting his head, he met his father’s narrowed gaze. His other family members had gone silent. From the flickering light of the lanterns, he could see the deep lines in his father’s skin, and the way he frowned as he looked at Eren. During the past few weeks, Eren had almost forgotten the way his father would always look so exhausted, so pained whenever he talked to Eren. He’d been expecting to be ignored throughout dinner once again. Hearing his name said felt as if he’d stepped in cold water.“I expect you to be on your best behaviour. Hopefully, you’ve resolved your… behaviour, over these past three weeks, and prayed for the Lord’s forgiveness for your actions, hmm?” His father said, raising a brow, and Eren nodded.Yet, in all honesty, he’d forgotten to pray at all since Sunday, and on Sunday it had been the first time he’d prayed in almost a week. As the days have gone by, he’d been thinking about his God less and less. Eren didn’t know what to do about it. He still wore the silver cross necklace around his neck – and felt empty whenever he looked at it. Levi sometimes commented on it when it came into view, but other than that, Eren had forgotten that was there, too.He would never tell his father that he hadn’t actually prayed for forgiveness, however.“Good. We’ll be making some important announcements on Friday, to the community and to you. I don’t want any issues. Rod Reiss will also be talking about his upcoming campaign, and as supporters of his family, if anyone asks you about it I want you to be in full agreement with whatever he says.”Eren furrowed his brows, going over his father’s words in his head. It made him uneasy to think that he would have to agree with whatever Rod Reiss would say, though Eren didn’t dwell on it. After all, Rod Reiss was the mayor, and a good man. As Eren represented his family, and his family are well-known good friends of the Reiss Family, it would be odd of him not to agree with the campaigns.But the former part of his father’s words repeated themselves in Eren’s mind. Hesitantly, Eren said, “Announcements to me? Do you mean about the… the clinic? I already know about that.”“Other things,” His father said, raising his glass of wine to take an agonising, slow sip. “But I’m glad you mentioned the clinic. As my son, I want you to help volunteer.”It was as if Eren had been slapped, or his entire body had been frozen over in ice. He sat stiff, unblinking as he stared at his father. “V-Volunteer?”“Don’t act so shocked!” His father chuckled, but the sound sent his skin burning cold. “You are to be a doctor one day, Eren. You must know about these sort of treatments, too.”“But Father, I-I don’t know what to do!”“I know, but that’s okay. I will teach you,” His father met his eyes, the beginnings of a smile curling on his lips. “I think you’ll learn quite quickly. These treatments aren’t too difficult to master.”Eren let his head hang low, fringe covering his eyes and the panicked-tears he quickly kept blinking away. Inside his chest he could feel the rising fear, the sickening knot forming in the back of his throat and the banging of his pacing heart against his ears. He had no idea what to do – protesting against this would not look good to his father and mother – yet, would Eren be able to handle being in a place like that? Would he be able to inhumane things to others like him? Simply hearing about it made Eren’s eyes gloss over with tears; being in the clinic would be a quick trip to pure panic.
Yet…
Eren’s gaze flickered back to his father. The man was talking – though Eren couldn’t focus on the words – but a small, rare smile had sat itself on his aging face.
He seems so happy. He seems happy for me to work with him.
“We’ll be able to spend some quality time together as father and son, wouldn’t that be nice, Eren?”
As father and son?
Everyone’s eyes had started to burn into him. Eren hadn’t realised he’d been sitting there, mouth agape, eyes a little wide and glassy. Inside the ache in his chest turned less painful, more warm, like the aches he felt when missing Armin or Levi. It was an ache for belonging, love, comfort; and as his father raised a brow, a silent cue for his growing impatience, Eren nodded.He nodded even knowing it was far too wrong, even knowing that the second Armin found out – and he will find out – that he’ll be horrified in Eren. He nodded without thinking too much about it, only chasing after the approval from his father that Eren craved. He nodded even as Levi’s words – that he should not care too much about what his parents think, that he doesn’t even like them as much as he believed – echoed in the furthest parts of his mind.But the way his father’s small smile broke out into a grin and the way he leaned over, playfully grabbing Eren’s shoulder made his heart swell up with pride and happiness. It felt so, so good, to win at least a slither of his father’s happiness and attention. It felt so good Eren couldn’t help but grin back, ignoring the prickling guilt inside that sat just below the surface.“That’s my son, for a moment there I thought you were going to say no!” His father chuckled, and Eren shakily laughed along, tears swelling up in his eyes as he repeated the words my son in his head, over and over.
Armin will be so disappointed in you.
You're no better than Mikasa.
But Father looks so happy.
“You’re so lucky, Eren! I wanted to volunteer, but Father said no,” Mikasa said from beside him. At that Eren’s heartbeat picked up again, the realisation of what he really just agreed to hitting him like a wall of bricks. He twisted in his seat, turning to face Mikasa. A small side curled her lips but it couldn’t hide the disappointment in her eyes, and once again the sickening knot rose up from his stomach.But Eren pushed through, only letting his grin falter to a small, pained smile.Behind her his mother smiled too, softly tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She leaned her head in her palm, a flicker of love in her eyes that Eren had rarely seen this past month. “Oh Mikasa, don’t be too upset. Your father just wants his only son to follow in his footsteps, that’s all.”
He wants to control me. That’s all.
What would Levi think of this? He’ll be so disgusted in you. Was it worth it?
“W-When will we… start?” Eren said, turning his gaze back to his father.“Well, it’ll be a little while yet. Your mother and I are still working on opening the clinic, but possibly just after Christmas. It’ll be easier for you then, too, because school will have finished.” His father replied, before taking another bite of the steamed vegetables and roasted pork from his plate.Christmas. It would Levi’s nineteenth birthday.Days after celebrating his boyfriend’s birthday, Eren would help his father torture people like Levi.Eren weakly nodded. He moved his hands to his lap and fiddled with his thumbs, feeling his heart begin to sink after the rush of winning his father’s attention and pride had begun to fade. Christmas was still a few weeks away, but Eren knew the time would slip by so fast. He knew that when the time came to work alongside his father, that the panic at being found out would overcome him. What if the others in the clinic recognised him? Is there a way to tell if others were the same as you?
I have to keep my secret safe. Nobody can find out about Levi. Nobody can find out about me being different.
For the rest of the dinner Eren bit his cheek till the point he could taste the bitter blood on his tongue. The sickening knot had sat itself comfortable in his tight throat, not leaving, not even after the subject had changed to the Mayor’s ball and then to a sleepover with Annie that Mikasa had planned. It sat heavy, like the stones that weighed down on Eren’s guilty, aching heart.He’d made his choice. It had been a selfish, impulsive one. Yet all Eren could do now was live with it.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Eren stared at himself in the mirror, not quite recognising who stood before him. Both his mother and father had fussed over his clothes and hair for the past thirty minutes, doing their best to make sure Eren looked pristine and modest for the mayor’s ball.His grey suit had been fitted to his body, showing off his broadening shoulders and figure. The deep blue tie around his neck had been tied a little too tight for Eren’s liking, only gently restricting his breath, but his mother refused to have it loosened. His brown locks, usually falling over his forehead had been combed and gelled back by his father. In these clothes and style, Eren looked nineteen, not fifteen. Most teenagers his age would be happy to appear older, but Eren didn’t like it at all.“Eren!” His mother yelled from downstairs, tone light and happy.Since Wednesday, when Eren had agreed to volunteer alongside his father at the clinic, the rest of his family had been acting… kinder, to how they were the previous few weeks. Mikasa talked to him a lot more, seemingly believing that all was well (though Eren still hung back, not quite letting his guard down around her, not yet). His mother complimented him, gave him hugs, prepared him special sandwiches for school. And his father – oh, his father, with his usual intimidating aura and scowl – had smiled at Eren, and last night he talked with Eren for hours about medicine and religion, the things that he believed Eren loved and enjoyed just as much as him.It felt nice to be included with his family once more.But it was still different, now.The guilt of Eren’s impulsive, selfish decision had begun to eat away at him. Each smile was false, each second was spent thinking about what he would be made to do, each breath was shallow, forced, a silent sigh. He couldn’t sleep both Wednesday and Thursday night. Armin had told him the dark circles under his eyes were more prominent than usual when Eren came to school on Thursday; but when Mikasa skipped up beside Eren, and gleefully told Armin the news, any concern weaved into Armin’s face vanished. He hadn’t talked to Eren since.It hurt. It made his heart painfully twist around inside his chest, the pain burning as if a thousand hot knives had marked his skin with the words liar. He had caught Armin looking at him in class with glassy eyes and a deep frown and Eren wanted to cry; he wanted to reach over, pull his best friend into a hug, tell him the truth. He wanted to tell Armin that he didn’t agree with it all, it was just that his father looked so happy and all Eren wanted in that moment was to make his father happy. To make his father proud.And if Eren had said no, then his father would have yelled at him or beaten him. His parents would have been so angry, so disappointed in him and maybe they would have found out his secret. What was Eren supposed to do? Let himself be yelled at, let his parents become suspicious of him? Let them, once again, see him as a burden?So if this was any other day, or any other point in Eren’s life, he would be glowing with happiness. But alas, the approval and love and attention of his family now only fuelled his guilt and underlying anxiety.When Eren came down the stairs, his mother had her arms wide open for him. He let himself be pulled into her embrace. No smile sat on his face, and her arms felt ever so empty.
You’ll hate me once you find out. You’ll never hug me again.
Behind his mother, his father stood tall, his arm draped around Mikasa’s shoulders. His sister wore a modest, long, midnight blue dress, and it mirrored his mother’s sky blue one with puffy sleeves. His father’s suit was a dark grey, the same as Eren’s.Both of them smiled at him. Eren struggled to smile back.The mayor’s ball happened once every November 26th, and always occurred inside Shiganshina hall, opposite the town library. When the Jaeger family arrived, they waited outside in a small queue. There were armed military police outside the entrance, checking everyone’s bags, pockets and identification before they were let inside. Eren shoved his hands in the pockets of his suit, glancing around the bustling town square before gazing up at the darkening sky. The large, aging clock that had been nailed to the top of the tower on the hall, loomed over him. It was a quarter to six, and the first few stars of the night already were appearing in the sky.Eren had not said a single word to his family. His thoughts had been preoccupied – with Armin, with the clinic, with the strange letter he found a week ago in his father’s study – and he barely noticed that Mikasa had clicked her fingers in front of his face several times until she shook his shoulder.“Eren? Is everything alright? You look lost.”He blinked at his sister, head slowly processing her words. A small smile curled his lips and he nodded, gulping down the heavy weight in his throat. “Yeah. Everything’s fine.”It really wasn’t.Behind Mikasa, his eyes flickered towards the military police soldiers. Outside the entrance alone were five of them, each with heavy, large guns hanging from a strap around their shoulders. No smiles sat on their faces, and all of them would occasionally glance out at the emptying town square, waiting. Whilst the five were the only ones Eren could see, his family passed a group of another five on their way down, and Eren was near certain that more were hiding around the premises.He’d almost completely forgotten about the letter until he’d seen the random group of soldiers, and the way his father gave a curt nod at them as they marched past his family.If what his father believed was true, then the Ackerman family might come to the ball that night. Eren might be able to see one of their faces. Maybe he’ll learn more about them, and be able to tell Levi.
Levi. Oh, Levi…
Eren hadn’t seen his lover since Wednesday. Levi didn’t know about how Eren agreed to volunteer alongside his father at the clinic, yet. They were meant to meet with each other later that evening, and Eren dreaded having to tell Levi. A growing, tender part of him feared that perhaps Levi would yell at him, hit him, hate him. After all, that is what people you love do when they are angry with you, right? His mother and father loved him, and whenever they were furious with Eren they hurt him. Surely, Levi would be angry with Eren. The thought had solidified itself in Eren’s mind, and for the first time since he met Levi, he felt anxious to see him again.“Eren, seriously, you keep zoning out,” Mikasa said, clicking her tongue at him. They had moved further up in the queue now, and Eren sheepishly chuckled and skipped his way back up the stairs to where his parents stood. His mother shook her head at him, but a smile curled her lips.“I’m sorry, really. I just have a lot on my mind,” Eren said, sighing as he waited beside his sister.“Are you curious about Mr Reiss’ campaign?” Mikasa asked.Eren shook his head. “No, not really. Just… school. And stuff.”“Well, I’m curious. Do you think he will mention Father’s clinic? I hope he does. It’ll be good for more people to learn about it,” Mikasa paused as their parents started to walk up the stairs. The siblings followed, waiting behind as their parents talked to the military police soldiers, showing their identification. She turned her head back to Eren, “Because then more sick people can be cured.”A shiver trailed down his spine, but Eren told himself it was due to the cold breeze outside. Hesitating for a moment, he nodded, not trusting his voice to speak. When his parents shuffled aside so the soldiers could check Eren and Mikasa over for any weapons in their pockets, his throat closed up.The soldier that checked over him was tall, brunette, with piercing blue eyes; his shoulders were wide and Eren could see the outlines of his biceps through the tight-fitting tan jacket he wore. Whatever he smelt of, Eren could not tell, but it was good, and he had to stop himself from leaning into the man.Blood rushed to his cheeks and he turned away, gulping down the sudden knot in the back of his throat. The man looked attractive – though, to be fair, he was nothing compared to Eren’s boyfriend. Regardless, a peach-toned blush still dusted Eren’s cheeks as the man’s strong hands trailed down the sides of his abdomen. He wanted to wiggle out of the soldier’s grasp, for it felt wrong to be touched in this way by somebody that wasn’t Levi. Though, that would look really, really bad to the soldier.He sighed in relief when the soldier stepped back.His mother turned around and smiled at the children. “Alright, let’s go inside,” She paused as her eyes landed on Eren. He shifted uncomfortably, glancing around as an underlying fear began to bubble up to the surface. I’m blushing too much. She thinks I’m sick. She’s noticed. She’s going to hit me.She took a step forward. Eren flinched.Her fingers were cold against his skin as she pushed under his collar, and pulled out the silver cross necklace that still hung around his neck. When it sat against the fabric, not inside, she stepped back and placed her hands on his shoulders. Once again, she smiled. “That’s better.”As they walked through the large, dark-oak arched doors, Mikasa snickered beside him. She playfully nudged his shoulder, bringing up her hand to cover her mouth as she whispered to him, “Why are you blushing? Excited to see all the pretty girls in dresses?”At that, Eren shook his head, biting his lip. If only she knew the real reason.Inside the hall, large candle lit chandeliers hung down from the tall ceiling. Round tables with white tablecloths were situated throughout the room, with a large dance floor in the middle and a wooden stage towards the right end. Large, deep red banners hung from the ceiling at the back of the stage.On the stage stood tall a lectern, where within the next thirty minutes Rod Reiss will announce his campaign for the new election. In the corner of the stage sat members of an orchestra, who played soft tunes that echoed throughout the space. At the left side of the hall was long tables full of refreshments and small entrée foods such as biscuits, fruit and pastries. Several children of influential families had gathered around the biscuits, causing Eren to smile fondly.Throughout the hall, many other families had already gathered and sat at their designated tables. Eren could see the Leonhart family, the Hoover and Braun family, as well as several other military families. Historia stood with her father near the stage, and Eren followed his parents as they weaved through the tables towards them.“Ah, Grisha, Carla, it’s so lovely to see you. And you too, Mikasa,” Rod Reiss smiled, shaking hands with Eren’s father. His suit was black, a shade darker than Grisha’s. When his gaze flickered to Eren’s, his smile faltered for a second. “And Eren.”Eren smiled weakly at the mayor, before letting his head fall low. He knew that his father must have told Rod about how Eren’s behaviour had been… not the greatest, these past few weeks.“Hello, Eren, and Mikasa,” Historia said, voice small compared to her fathers. Their parents had already stepped to the side to talk among themselves, leaving the children alone. Eren raised his head at Historia’s voice, lips turning up into a genuine smile as she stepped forward. She wore a pale pink dress with long sleeves, and a modest v-cut. It contrasted against her light blonde hair, and it would be a lie for Eren to say that she did not look gorgeous.“Historia, you look beautiful! I love your dress,” Mikasa stepped forward, engulfing the girl into a hug. “Did you put on make-up? It really suits you!”“I did, and thank you!” Historia stepped back, looking over Mikasa’s shoulder to smile at Eren. “You look… good, too, Eren. I mean – the suit – it looks good on you.”“Thanks,” Eren shrugged, gazing down at himself. “I can’t wait to get out of it.”“Oh come on,” Mikasa laughed, rolling her eyes. “Take the compliment.”“I did!” Eren said, grinning as he playfully shoved his sister. His eyes fell on Historia, standing still beside them, and he stopped his movements. He felt bad for not returning a compliment, and so he said: “You – ah – you look pretty, Historia. I like the dress.”A fiery blush spread across her cheeks as she turned her head away. “Thanks, Eren…” She paused, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before she gazed back up at Eren through her lashes. “By the way, has… your mother and father told you, yet?”“Told me what?” Eren cocked his head to the side.“About the arrangement?” Historia spoke slow, raising a brow in Eren’s direction.But he didn’t have time to ask what she meant, for his father and mother called for Mikasa and Eren to sit down. The speech would be starting soon, and they had places to be. The Jaeger family sat at one of the front tables. Dinner had been served – grilled salmon, vegetables, and warm soup as an entrée – and now, the people waited for Rod Reiss to speak. Eren’s father sat to the side of him, his sister next to him, and his mother in the other seat. Historia sat with them as well, whilst her father was backstage preparing for his speech.So far, there had been nothing out of ordinary. For the past thirty minutes, the strange letter and threat that the Ackerman family would break in somewhere and wreak havoc was on the back of Eren’s mind. But there were no gunshots, no screaming, no reason to panic at all.He wondered what his father would do if the Ackerman family did attack the ball. Eren hadn’t forgotten how Rod Reiss said one of the Ackermans were close to them, either. Did his father know what they looked like? What would the Ackermans do? They were supposedly violent; would they hurt someone? Would they demand money, perhaps?Loud cheering and clapping interrupted Eren’s thoughts. Rod Reiss smiled and waved as he walked onto the stage, standing behind the lectern with a head held high as he waited for the crowd to calm.“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. It is an absolute pleasure to have all of you here with us today!” Rod's voice boomed, and the crowd once again erupted into cheer. Eren stayed still as both his parents, Mikasa and Historia clapped along. Rod continued, “Well, should I get to the part that we are all here for? The upcoming election, to be held on January 3rd!”More cheers. Eren wanted to escape to somewhere quiet.Rod Reiss talked for a few minutes about promises, and mostly his vision for the future of Shiganshina. Eren had tuned it out, his mind drifting instead to memories of Levi’s soft touch, deep laughter and the way his eyes would crinkle when he smiled.Another collective clap passed before Rod Reiss said, “Additionally, we will make sure to put more funding into the military police, as well as promote it to school leavers in order to recruit more people. This way, we will have a stronger, tougher military force and will be able to successfully rid Shiganshina of the heathens that walk our streets!”Eren watched as Rod’s lips split into a grin as the crowd erupted into cheer. To the side of him he could see the Leonhart family and Annie. Their faces mirrored Rod Reiss and he watched as they clapped, smiled, nodded along. His gaze drifted between Annie, with her long blonde hair, ice blue eyes and pristine pale blue dress, and her father – who sat tall, head back, with military medals proudly pinned to his moss green suit.There was nothing out of the ordinary with Annie’s father, but Eren knew a secret she and his sister did not. He knew that Mr Leonhart had talked with his father, and offered to promote his parent’s new clinic if his father paid him enough money. Eren didn’t know what to think of it; he had always been told to be honest and stick to his beliefs. Is promoting another business simply because the owner paid you being honest to the people? Did things like this happen often?He didn’t have time to think on it, however, before the noise of the crowd quickly faded from a collective hum to silence. Turning around in his seat Eren glanced behind him to find what everyone’s eyes had focused on – a familiar brunet boy with a long nose and tan skin – who had lifted his hand up tall. Eren knew who he was: Bertholdt Hoover, son of two sergeants in the military police. He had been in Eren’s fourth grade class for a few months. They had been good friends before his parents switched him to home school.“Yes?” Rod Reiss spoke, an uncertainty to his tone.The boy stood up from where he sat at the table behind Eren, pressing the creases out of his suit. A low whisper could be heard from others throughout the hall. Bertholdt pushed his shoulders back and said, “On behalf of my family, and other members of the community, we would like to know what your strategy is in regards to the rising gang crimes that have been witnessed around Shiganshina.”“Ah, well, of course –”“And specifically in regards to the Ackerman Gang.”Eren’s heartbeat jumped. He gripped the edge of his seat a little tighter and moved just a little forward as his senses were set on fire; he could feel every inch of his skin, and hear the way his father held his breath beside him. Ackerman Gang. So they are a gang?
But if they are a gang, why did Rod Reiss say my father knows one of them? Why would my father know gang members? Aren’t they all evil?
Eren’s head whipped back around at the sound of Rod Reiss stuttering. His face had gone a lighter shade of pink, and he awkwardly laughed as he composed himself. The mayor took a few deep breaths, before he replied: “Well, we have of course been in close talks with our military police, and specifically Mr Leonhart, the new commander.”Rod Reiss nodded in Mr Leonhart’s direction, and the man briefly stood up, turning around to make himself known to the rest of the families in the room.“Yes, but,” Bertholdt continued, “They’ve literally murdered people. Six military police members, including that poor woman who was found tortured in the forest, and there’s been more robberies and beatings and strange disappearances than before. A school teacher went missing, and nobody knew about it until a few days ago! What are you going to do? Don’t just tell us that you’ve been talking, we want strategies, plans, actual progress!”A few people clapped, the sounds of their hands echoing off the walls throughout the mostly-silent hall. Eren sat dumbfounded, jaw slack as he blinked mindlessly at the table in front of him. He could hear his father mutter something under his breath, and a few people in the audience coughed – signalling their awkwardness – as Rod Reiss said nothing, frozen in place behind the lectern.Eren, and everyone else knew of the increasing crimes in Shiganshina. He just didn’t know it were the Ackermans, and that the said family were a gang. It left his head spinning, his fingertips shaking a little as he remembered the stolen letter between his father and Mr Leonheart. If the Ackermans, and their clearly murdering-capable members were to ambush the ball, would Eren and his family be in danger?As well, what school teacher went missing? There were five schools in Shiganshina, and the last Eren heard of, no teacher had suddenly stopped turning up to school.“Ha, come on, those are- those- those are only rumours. We cannot confirm nor deny whether the Ackerman Gang actually… committed those crimes!” Rod Reiss cleared his throat, his grin having faltered. “Listen, I can assure you that we are doing everything in our power to catch the Ackerman Gang. It’s just… the working class citizens, for some reason, find these… heathens, useful.”“And why is that?” A random woman yelled out from the back, and there were a few hums and nods in agreement. Eren’s attention shifted back to Rod Reiss, who rubbed the back of his neck as he hesitated to reply.“Well, they- uh, we have evidence to…”“We have evidence to believe that the citizens pay the Ackerman Gang,” Mr Leonhart stood up, changing the focus away from the town mayor. He smoothed the crinkles in his suit, and flicked his blond fringe out of his face. “In order for their wishes and deeds to be done. An example would be, paying the gang to take out a rival, I suppose. That is why many citizens refuse to corporate with the military police in regards to the investigation.”Maybe Sasha was right, Eren thought to himself, when she said that murdered butcher could have owed somebody money. He felt his skin grow cold, his chest become tight. What inhumane person would murder somebody because they owe them money? Eren twisted back around in his seat, watching as Bertholdt talked to his father and mother before standing up back tall once more. Bertholdt’s gaze flickered to Eren’s own and the corner of his lips curled up into a smile, barely noticeable, as if he was acknowledging Eren’s presence. The mutter in the crowd died down as he started to speak.“Well, what are you going to do about –”
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Everything happened slow. Windows shattered, glass falling down onto the refreshments table at the back of the hall. The blood, the ripping of his skin and the shattering of his skull. The piercing, breaking screams of the people around him and the way Bertholdt began to fall, his lips having parted into a silent cry and his hands having begun to violently shake. Deep red blood had splattered vast and wide and it dripped from Bertholdt’s shattered skull and eyes, it poured out from the wound in his chest, rapidly coating his suit in red and suddenly Eren felt his own chest aching, as if he had been hit himself.“Eren!”The intense smell of blood was thick in the air and Eren lifted his trembling fingers to his face, touching his cheek delicately, feeling the warm liquid on his skin. His fingertips were covered in blood – in Bertholdt’s blood and Eren suddenly found himself screaming. Everything around him became dull, even when his father grabbed his shoulders and violently pulled him under the table.All Eren could see was the gaping hole in Bertholdt’s head, where his eyes and forehead were only a few seconds ago. He could see the way his skull had been shattered into pieces and the skin had been ripped apart to reveal torn muscle, wounded eyes and blooded bone. Bertholdt’s mother and father screamed in heartbreak and grief, clutching onto their son, begging and praying through their panicked screams. Yet God was not listening; he was not watching them, and Eren knew that, and he knew that there was nothing they could do.Within moments, Bertholdt fell, and all life had escaped him.“Eren, Eren, Eren, hey!”Eren blinked as his father pulled the tablecloth in front of him, blocking their family off from any light and any sight of the outside. Part of the tablecloth had been stained red and Eren whimpered, feeling his eyes burn from the salted tears. His entire body violently shook and he started to scream again, the sounds scratched in his throat. Every time Eren closed his eyes all he could see was the way Bertholdt’s head exploded and the blood came gushing out.His father’s grip around his shoulders tightened and he felt himself being pulled into his lap as his father slapped his hand over Eren’s mouth, muffling his screams. “Breathe, Eren, breathe, don’t scream, you have to be quiet.”“What – What – What is going o-on?” Mikasa stuttered, and Eren's frantic eyes met hers on the other side of the table. Tears had ruined Mikasa’s makeup and Historia had huddled beside her, their shaking hands intertwined with one another. Eren’s mother was on the other side of Mikasa, one arm wrapped around the two girl’s shoulders, and the other gripping Eren’s hand – he had barely noticed it.“We don’t – don’t know, Mika, just – let’s just lay low until the police says it’s all clear,” His mother whispered, a tremor to her voice.Eren continued to whimper, unable to push the sight of Bertholdt’s sudden death from his mind. From behind him he could still hear Mrs and Mr Hoover’s screams. He wasn’t sure if they were under the table as they were, or what anybody else was doing. But other than their cries, the hall was silent.“Eren, you’re still hyperventilating,” His father spoke into his ear, “Listen to me, Eren. Try to match my breathing, alright? Everything is going to be fine. Deep breaths, in and out, in and out.”He gulped down the sickening knot in his throat, nodding along to his father’s words. Twisting around in his grasp, Eren pushed his head into his father’s chest and wrapped his arms around his father’s waist so tightly that it ached. Still trembling, Eren searched for his father’s heartbeat, and focused on the steady rise and fall, the in-and-out, the calming breaths.Bang, Bang, Bang. There were more screams this time and the entrance door was forced open, slamming against the wall of the hall. Eren pushed himself further into his father, biting his lip to the point it drew blood to try and stop himself from screaming.He could hear footsteps, heavy and quick, edging towards their table. With each step, Eren’s heartbeat continued to pace until the point it felt painful, thumping hard and violently against his ribcage. His gaze flickered to his mother, and she shakily held a finger to her lips as the footsteps became louder and closer towards them. Under the table, everyone held their breaths.The slither of light underneath the tablecloth had been partially blocked as somebody stood in front of it. There were vague, muffled whispers that Eren could not hear, distant screams and fading cries, before the lights went out.In pitch darkness, all Eren could hear were the shuffles of people quick on their feet.His father gripped him closer, his hands holding onto his waist so tight that there would be bruises in the morning.Another few gunshots left his ears ringing loud and painful. Through the ringing, Eren was barely able to hear another scream and a woman’s yell.“Ah! Please don’t take him! Stop! Stop-”From the table next to him Eren could hear Annie shouting before she was cut silent with a loud, sickening wack, followed by a thump. A man’s pained groaning could be heard in between the sounds of bones cracking, glass shattering and objects slamming against the ground. A woman – Annie’s mother - began to beg before her voice too was cut quiet. Outside there were more gunshots, and with each one memories of that night weeks ago with Levi and the military police flickered in Eren’s mind, bleeding into ones of Bertholdt’s damaged skull.Through the blood-stained fabric of tablecloth Eren could hear the low thumping of something being dragged along the wooden panels. For the next few minutes, time ticked slow, and Eren struggled to breathe through the thick, overwhelming terror. Nobody spoke, nobody screamed anymore, and slowly the footsteps began to retreat to the other side of the wall.The lights were flicked back on, the door was slammed shut, and the strangers were gone.Hesitantly, Eren pushed himself away from his father. In the ringing silence, the shuffling sounds and panicked words of the other families echoed throughout the hall. There were a few more screams, and Eren was about to poke his head out through the tablecloth when his father grabbed a fistful of his hair and yanked him back, a yell slipping past Eren's lips from the sudden pain.“Don’t go outside. What are you, an idiot?”Any comfort in his father's tone had gone, and Eren shook his head, sniffling as tears blurred his vision once more. On the other side of him Mikasa hugged Historia tight, and his mother shuffled over to beside his father, leaning her head on his shoulder. Eren sat alone in the middle, his body still shaking.“H-Hey! Hey! They-They took him!”Annie’s loud voice screamed, breaking the silence, her words rough and voice broken.“They took my father!”At that Eren pushed himself out, ignoring his father’s hushed yell and shoving off the tight grip on his shoulder. He blinked as his eyes adjusted to the bright light, the floor cold and wet with blood beneath his hands. Directly in front of him Eren could see Bertholdt’s legs poking out through the tablecloth – Mr and Mrs Hoover must have pulled him under. He almost gagged at the sight of the blood-soaked suit pants and he forced his head away, but the strong, thick metallic smell that lingered in the air still left his stomach twisted and flipping inside of him.“Eren, get back under here right now for Heaven’s sake!” His father said, words dripping with a sense of urgency. A hand gripped onto the back of Eren’s leg but he kicked it off, and continued to crawl over to the table beside him. More blood was on the floor, but it wasn’t Bertholdt’s.Annie sat against the table, screaming and crying frantically into her hands, yet nobody else but Eren had come out to see. A small, gaping hole gushed from her arm and a cut on her forehead caused blood to trickle down over her eyes. Wine glasses had been broken on the floor and Eren hissed as he cut his hand on a piece, the blood mixing in with others unknown.“E-E-Eren?” Annie stuttered out, her frantic, wide eyes now locked with his. “They-They took him- him, my- my father, my father, they- they took him!”She screamed the latter half and Eren flinched at the sound of her coarse throat. Slowly he etched forward, ignoring how the glass dug itself into his thighs, knees and hands. It didn’t matter that it stung – Eren needed to go to Annie, he needed to help her calm down.Around him, others began to slowly crawl out from the tables and chairs that they had hid themselves underneath. Other than this corner of the hall where Eren’s family had been seated, most of the other tables were perfectly in-tact. No shattered glass, no pools of blood on the floor.When Eren reached Annie he wrapped his arms around her, pulling the shaking, crying girl into his arms. One of his hands gripped around the bullet hole in her arm; it didn't bleed terribly, which meant that no arteries were severed. She pushed her head into his shoulder, her breaths ragged and quick, her lips quivering as she tried to hold back her sobs. Blood had coated her hair but Eren still ran his fingers through it, trying to calm her down from a state of dread.He trembled as well, and every time he closed his eyes the sight of Bertholdt being shot flashed through his pacing, panicking mind.But Annie was crying. Even though Eren didn’t particularly like her too much, her father had been taken, she'd been shot in the arm, and her mother was still unconscious underneath the table. She need somebody.“Eren Jaeger get back underneath this table right now!” His father said again, voice rising to a low shout. But Eren shook his head, using the back of his wounded hand to wipe the mixture of tears and blood from his face.“She’s- She’s- crying,” Eren stuttered out, “Her father is… Her… father is… gone.”Annie wailed in Eren’s arms. He leaned his head on her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her waist.“We can deal with that later, but we don’t know if they’re still here, get back under-”“Historia? Historia!”The sound of Rod Reiss calling his daughter’s name from behind lectern interrupted his father, and for once Eren had never been so thankful that he spoke. Three tall, built men hunched around Rod Reiss when he shakily stood up, head frantically twisting around the room as he looked for his child.“Father!” Historia replied, crawling up out under the table. She ran over to him, her knees buckling and arms wide as she fell into his embrace with a whimper.With the mayor now back out from hiding, the rest of the members took it as a cue to come out as well. Slowly, more people hesitantly stood up from under the tables. Eren’s gaze flickered throughout the hall; many people were crying, but more had blank, emotionless faces as they stood, dazed and in a state of pure and utter shock.Were those the Ackermans? Eren thought to himself. Did they do this?Glass crunched behind him and he turned back to see Mikasa, making her way slowly over to Annie and Eren. Mascara ran down her flushed face and she sniffled, whimpering and blinking away more tears as she crouched down beside them. She held her arms out, wrapping herself around them.“D-Don’t cry,” Eren whispered, reaching up to wipe away his sister’s tears. His thumb trembled.“I… could- could say the same to y-you,” Mikasa said, the very corner of her lips only slightly tugging up into a smile. She leaned her head on his shoulder, and behind her Eren could see his mother and father starting to pull themselves up from underneath the table.His father had wrapped his arms around his mother’s waist, and he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head as she hid her face in his chest. When Eren’s gaze locked with his, his father only sighed. In the early hours of the morning, Eren still sat awake and alone in his bedroom. It would be another sleepless night.After the shock had faded at the mayor's ball, the remaining military police took turns escorting people back to their homes. Annie and her mother - who was still unconscious underneath the table - were the first to be taken away, where they were immediately sent to the local hospital. Eren and Mikasa had stayed by Annie's side until she left. His father had taken an emergency first aid kit from the back room of the hall, and used it to bandage Eren's wounds, wrap Annie's arm tight, and had spent time talking Mr and Mrs Hoover down from their state of shock. Bertholdt had been covered with a fire blanket. When it was the Jaeger's turn to be escorted back home, Eren had gripped harshly onto Mikasa's hand for the walk back. Every scatter of a night-time animal sent his heart racing, and every corner had become a possible place for some ambush. His father and mother walked either side of them, and there were four other soldiers that surrounded them, but Eren still felt unsafe walking through the darkened streets of Shiganshina. They'd also learned that other than Bertholdt, five other military police soldiers were killed, and eleven others were seriously injured or knocked unconscious. Whoever the Ackermans were, they were clearly more dangerous than Eren had expected, and a larger group of people - not just a mere few. The only thing (or person) that had been stolen was Mr Leonhart. No money, no objects or goods were taken, just the commander of the military police, and for that Eren felt puzzled. He didn't quite understand what they would need the commander for. If they wanted him dead, to stop the apparent investigation on their family - no, on their gang, then why didn't they just shoot him? Why did they shoot Bertholdt, an innocent sixteen year old boy, and not the commander of the military police? Whatever the reason was, Eren had no clue. When his family had arrived home, his parents decided that they would pray as a group for the Hoover family. But when Eren prayed, the words felt empty, as if there was nobody listening there at all, as if praying would fix nothing. He'd never felt that way before, so he told himself it was because the overwhelming numbness that had begun to sink into him after the earlier events. No longer he felt like screaming and sobbing into his hands; now, his emotions had dulled completely. If his God was watching, Eren hoped that they felt awful. Many people died or were killed in Shiganshina, but this was the first time that one of those people had been someone Eren knew. Not just vaguely, but it was someone Eren had been friends with, that a much younger Eren had laughed with and found comfort and friendship in. Life felt unfair. It felt so, so unfair and Eren wanted to yell at his God - why, why would you do this to Bertholdt? Why didn't you stop it?In the midnight hours, the temperature had fallen. The first and last snowflakes of autumn began to gently sway down from the black sky, coating the ground in a thin layer of white. Eren laid his head in his palm, waiting at his window for his lover to appear. One arm wrapped around his waist, hugging Levi's black sweater closer to him. The silver cross necklace felt cold against his skin, and only for a brief moment Eren considered taking it off. The thought of seeing Levi - and falling into his warm, safe embrace - was the only thing that kept Eren from crying, that kept the dread at bay inside of him. Levi would keep him safe from the Ackerman Gang. Levi had promised him that he'd keep Eren safe.Yet even when his lover appeared out from the shadows and into the pale moonlight, a part of Eren still feared walking in the night.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Eren shook as he walked out into the snow, unable to tell whether it was due to the freezing weather or the flashing memories of the horror earlier that evening. He gently shut the door, his eyes squeezed closed to hold back tears as he stepped blindly down the stairs. The snow crunched beneath his feet and Levi’s as the other stepped towards him. A few seconds later his lover had wrapped his warm arms around Eren's waist, pulling Eren into a tight hug. The cross necklace that hung around his neck pressed cold against his skin.“Are you chilly, my love?” Levi murmured, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Eren’s head. Eren sighed, shrugging, feeling too exhausted and overwhelmed to find the words to speak. His heartbeat began to rise as they stayed still in the quiet street; he feared what would happen if the Ackerman Gang found them, or if one of the military police saw them and reported them to his parents.“What happened to your hands?” Levi spoke again, gently pulling one of Eren’s arms away to inspect the bloodied bandages wrapped around his wrists. “You’re always injured, baby. I get worried about you.”Eren lifted his head up, gazing at Levi’s gentle expression with worried eyes. His heart ached at Levi’s words, but he shrugged again, shifting the focus away from the question. His eyes drift away, and he shifted his weight from foot to foot. Eren didn’t want to talk about it right now. He whispered, “We should… go somewhere safe.”At his words, Levi’s eyebrows furrow.“Do you not feel safe?”“No.”The sounds hurt, scratching against his throat that had been stripped raw from his screams.“And why is that?” Levi asked.Eren hesitated. His heart skipped a beat, his breath caught in the back of his throat as the bloodied memories - of Bertholdt's gruesome death, the blood, the glass on the floor, the loud gunshots that left his ears ringing - slammed into Eren. For a moment he merely blinked, mouth fallen slightly agape as he tried to push the reminiscences of earlier that evening out of his head. Shakes began to overcome his body, his skin colder than before.“S-Someone- Someone killed a- a boy, and… took Mr Leonhart,” Eren said, resting his head back on Levi’s shoulder. His lover cooed and Eren blinked away unknown tears, staring bleakly at the snowy road beneath their feet. Levi’s hands move to run through his freshly-washed hair, another resting on the lower half of his back. Eren continued to shake, the desire to scream and cry into the silent night starting to weave its way to the front of his mind, but Eren stayed silent, biting his lip hard.“But they didn’t hurt you, did they?” Levi murmured, “So there is nothing to be afraid of.”“B-But what- what if they- they do?”“They won’t. I won’t let them,” Levi replied, and even though Eren wanted to ask how Levi could manage to protect him when they spend so much time apart, he didn’t air his concerns. Instead he weakly nodded, closing his eyes and taking a deep, calming breath of Levi’s comforting scent, letting his aching muscles relax into Levi’s arms.Levi would keep him safe. Levi would protect Eren.“Do you know who did it, love?”“I think,” Eren started. He wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist, pulling the older boy a little closer. “I think… you know, how- how my father said, in the letter. I think it were… the Ackermans.”The name is bitter on his tongue. There’s an underlying anger, hurt and grief in the pit of Eren’s stomach. In the past few hours, his interest in the Ackermans had changed. It was no longer something he wanted to find out purely to please Levi; it now felt personal. He wanted to bring them to justice, to have them pay for their crimes, to have them suffer for what they did to Bertholdt.“They killed someone I knew,” Eren said. He lifted his head up once more to meet Levi’s gaze. “I was friends with him when I was younger. They- They- They shot him. I saw… his head, it… it… fuck,”Tears rolled down Eren’s cheeks. His throat hurt, as if it had closed up around his words and he struggled to suck in a deep, shaky breath, holding his eyes closed for a brief moment to compose himself. It felt as if his heart was bleeding out, making his chest ache with sorrow, and it was painful and raw and fresh and Eren begun to sob, loud and harsh into Levi’s embrace. With each cry his shoulders shake, but Levi continued to soothe him, pressing soft kisses to his forehead and flushed cheeks, wiping away the salted tears with his thumb.“I- I hate them,” Eren choked out, “Why did they do- do that? Levi? Why? Why? I- I don’t understand, Bertholdt did…. did nothing wrong, he- he was my age, and they fucking shot his eyes out.”“Eren,” Levi’s voice is deep, smooth, warm. His hands come up to rest on the sides of Eren’s cheeks, brushing away tears before he leans in. The kiss is soft and tender and Eren pushes into it, wrapping his arms around Levi’s neck and harshly yanking him closer. There’s a feeling of desperateness, a desire to ignore everything that happened earlier in the night and so Eren lets Levi’s tongue slide in, and lets the older boy’s hands trail down his back as his own hands run through Levi’s undercut.“Forget about it. It’s done. You can’t change what happened,” Levi spoke into the kiss. Eren replied by kissing him again, doing exactly what Levi asked him to – trying to forget about it.After another minute they pull away, breathing heavily into the air, both of their cheeks a lighter tinge of pink. Levi’s hands rest on his waist, his gaze locked with Eren’s. “You shouldn’t hate the Ackermans, either.”It was as if the air has been knocked out of him. Eren blinked, a deep crease forming between his brows.“What?”The word came out harsher than intended, and Eren was quick to mumble an apology for the rude tone. But then Levi laughed, the sound comforting and soft and Eren abruptly stopped.“Listen, baby,” Levi’s hand comes up to trail his jaw. His voice dropped, “You trust me, don’t you?”Eren nodded. His heartbeat begun to pace.“Sometimes, people have to die… it’s just how life works, Eren. Whether your little friend was killed tonight or not, he would have died eventually,” Levi paused, kissing Eren again before he leaned back, resting their foreheads together. “Don’t mourn it. It happened. You can’t change the past.”
He would have died eventually.
But he didn’t have to die so young, and so violently.
No, it’s done. Levi said not to mourn it. Bertholdt can’t come back.
“Y-Yeah,” Eren breathed out after a moment’s silence, his eyebrows furrowed. Closing his eyes he took another shaking breath, repeating Levi’s words in his head. It didn’t really make sense, and he wasn’t sure how he could not mourn the death of somebody he knew. But there was no reason in questioning Levi. After all, he was older than Eren, and knew more than him. If it would make the ache in Eren’s chest go away, then he would listen to Levi.His lover’s fingertips came to rest on the nape of Eren’s neck. Levi’s lips ghost over his cheek, before he moved to whisper in Eren’s ear: “Good boy.” Silent tears still rolled down Eren’s cheeks as they walked through the southern side of Shiganshina. He held Levi’s hand close to him, and whenever an animal would scurry past or the wind would make strange noises in the dark his heart would race, fear filling his veins with panic. Each time a patrolling group of military police marched down the streets, Levi would yank Eren into a nearby ally and hide them away from the soldier’s eyes. His lover would listen to their heavy footsteps in the snow, and if it was too close Levi would pick Eren up without a word and hide. It was a good thing – the military police would definitely tell his mother and father that Eren was out so late, and with a strange boy – so with Levi being so on-alert, it aided in creating an aura of safety, of calmness, of protection.They’d been walking back to Levi’s house for the past thirty minutes. Usually they’d arrive there in twenty, but with the patrolling soldiers it had been a slower process. Eren had found his mind kept drifting back to the shattered glass, the loud bangs, the vibrant and splattered blood. Whenever he found himself thinking about the hours earlier, he shifted his focus to Levi instead; Levi’s warm hands, the dark blue sweater that hung off his shoulders, and the way the moonlight would reflect in his eyes.When they finally arrived, no lights were on in the home.“Are your family not here?” Eren asked, referring to Isabel, Furlan and Kenny. From where Levi stood, unlocking the front door, he shook his head. “But it’s so late at night?”“They’re doing a late job,” Levi said. He pushed open the door, pulling Eren inside with one hand.The house was the same as it was before – light blue walls, hundreds of plants, and a warm, burning fireplace. Eren wondered why the fireplace sat alight if nobody was home, but he didn’t question it. It made the house warm, and he dusted the fallen snowflakes off him from outside.Eren let himself be dragged up the stairs and into Levi’s room. Darkness shrouded the room, with only the light of the moon peeking through barely-pulled back curtains to light up the room. From what Eren could see nothing had changed, and the knives that he had thought were odd from before still sat undusted and glimmering in the moonlight on the desk. A smile curled his lips as he fondly remembered the last time they were there; followed by a blush that creeped across his cheeks. Sitting on the bed beside Levi, Eren let a sigh as he leaned his head on the other boy’s shoulder.“Are you feeling better, angel?” Levi hummed, wrapping an arm around Eren’s waist.“A little…” He said, sniffling as he blinked away the start of tears. A growing part of Eren only felt numbness, but he did feel safer in Levi’s arms. Nobody would hurt him here.“I’m sad I don’t get to see you in a suit. Kept imagining you in it,” Levi said after a moment’s silence, and pressed a kiss into Eren’s hair. “But your pyjamas are cute, I suppose.”He knew Levi was only trying to lighten his mood, to make him feel loved, but the words made Eren’s smile falter. He shrugged, “The suit was covered in Bertholdt’s blood.”“Oh, you poor little thing,” Levi cooed, “You must have been so terrified.”At that, the grief slammed back into Eren.Tears blurred his vision and his lips trembled as he nodded his head, shifting around so he could nuzzle his cheek into Levi’s shoulder. Behind his eyelids all Eren could see was the blood, pouring out and soaking the ground, and the way the glass cut into his skin as he had crawled his way over to a shaking Annie. He shoved himself closer to Levi, desperate to seek the warmth of his lover, desperate to push this immense, indescribable sadness and numbness from his body. Levi held him closer, one hand rubbing circles into Eren’s back.“Don’t worry, my love. You will always be safe when you’re with me.”“A-A-And when- when I’m not? I- I don’t feel safe, anymore, what- what- what if-”“Shh,” Levi mumbled, a hand reaching up to run through Eren’s hair. Levi’s steady heart beat in his ear as Eren laid his head on his chest, arms wrapping around Levi’s waist. “Are you scared that the Ackermans will hurt you?”Eren whimpered, nodding.“They won’t. They won’t hurt you, Eren, you’ll be fine. I promise.”“How do- do you know?”“You believe me, don’t you, baby?” Levi said, barely above a whisper. “I’ll never lie to you. Not like everybody else. You have nothing to fear, my angel. You’ve done nothing wrong. Why would the Ackermans ever want to hurt you, a pretty little boy?”Blood rushed to his cheeks and Eren shook his head, tightening his grip around Levi, blinking away more tears. He didn't understand how Levi knows these things, how Levi is so sure that the Ackerman Gang would never hurt him. Yet, Levi must be right. Levi would never lie to Eren, he never had before, so why would Eren need a reason to question what he told him? It must be right.Eren had done nothing wrong. Maybe Bertholdt, and Mr Leonhart had done something wrong.“I-I believe you,” Eren ended up saying, earning him a kiss to his forehead. His cheeks feel hot under Levi’s nicknames and affection, but Eren is thankful for them, for only a brief moment does he forget everything that had happened. For minutes they sit there in silence, Levi gently tracing circles into Eren’s back and running a soothing hand through his hair as Eren nearly sits on his lap. Eren sat back, gaze locked with Levi’s once more. There’s a small smile on his lips and one of Eren’s hands reached up to trace Levi’s jawline, so alike to what he had done to Eren many times. Looking at Levi made Eren forget, thinking about Levi made Eren forget, and slowly but surely the ache and the grief begun to subside once more.“I wish I could stay with you,” Eren whispered, eyes flickering down to where Levi’s lips tug up into a smirk. He kissed them, soft and slow, before pulling back to rest his forehead against his lover.“You could if you wanted to. You don’t have to go back to your mother and father, you can just stay here with me, my love. For as long as you ever wanted to.”Eren chuckled, the sound scratching against his throat. “Oh how I wish that could be true.”“Would I ever lie to you?”A sigh slipped past his lips, and Eren shook his head with a smile. “No…”“Stay with me,” Levi whispered, “Your parents will never hurt you again.”“My hands aren’t hurt from my parents,” Eren replied, thinking Levi was talking about the wounds from the shattered glass that still stung underneath the bandages. Levi’s hand – still resting on his lower back – stopped for a moment, and Eren opened his eyes to see Levi’s lips twist into a smirk, his eyes as narrow as ever and barely visible in the dim light.“But they’ll hurt you eventually, won’t they?”“It’s only when I misbehave –”“When you don’t obey their strict rules, and believe in their false truths,” Levi cut him off, “When you don’t conform. When you embrace your own freedom, Eren. That’s when they hurt you.”
Freedom.
That’s when they hurt me.
Eren’s throat grew tight, his skin hot as the blood in his veins ran thick with a feeling of desire, of need, of want. Eren wanted to be free, more than anything; and whenever he got close to tasting that sweet, heavenly feeling, his mother and father hurt him.The more Eren remembered, the more Levi’s words ran true. When he cursed, they hurt him. When he came home late, they hurt him. Whenever Eren even attempted to disagree, they hurt him. His father would hit his skin so hard it’d turn it shades of purple, and his mother would ignore him and look him with empty, disappointed eyes that would make his heart shatter like broken glass.“Isn’t that true, baby? You believe me, don’t you?” Levi quirked a brow, gaze trailing down to Eren’s lips, where his thumb ran over them. “I’m always right, aren’t I?”“Y-Yeah,” Eren breathed out.“So, if I’m right now, I’m also right when I tell you that you shouldn’t fear the Ackerman family, hmm?”His breath hitched in the back of his throat, stomach twisting around inside of him but Eren nodded, for Levi was right, he was always right, and he’d never lie to Eren.
But Bertholdt.
But Annie’s father.
No, no, no, ignore it, ignore it, don’t mourn. Levi said to forget it.
“You don’t hate them, do you, my love?”Tears start to blur his vision as bitter memories from earlier cross his mind, but Eren blinked them away, pushing the memories back. A part of him wanted to argue, wanted to tell Levi that the Ackerman family killed someone he knew, and took his classmate’s father – but his tongue felt tight, the words fell to dust on his tongue and Eren said nothing, for why would Levi ever lie to him? Levi was always right, he told him so, and Eren had no reason to ever question what he said.After all, they were boyfriends. Eren had not ever experienced romantic love, and he knew little of what relationships were like. But Levi was kind, and gentle, and soft, and so surely this was how relationships worked, and lovers would never lie to each other.Right?“Eren. Answer me,” Levi said into the silence, shaking Eren from his thoughts.His heart thumped widely in his chest, ringing in his ear like the gunshots from the earlier hours and Eren nodded. Few, isolated tears slipped past, rolling down his cheeks and Levi wiped them away, cooing softly before he kissed Eren tenderly.“Say it,” Levi mumbled against Eren's trembling lips. “Say you don’t hate them.”“I-I…” Eren tried to speak, the sounds coarse. But he couldn’t. All he could see was Bertholdt’s fading smile as the bullets ripped through his skin, and all he could hear was Mr and Mrs Hoover’s violent, ear-splitting screams as they watched their son die. He could see the bleeding, gaping wound in Annie’s arm, the shattered blooded glass, and her tears as she wailed in his arms over her missing father. He could hear his own screams and could feel the uncontrollable shakes that shook his entire body, and for that Eren could not speak.“You’ll make me so proud if you say it, angel. I want to hear it. I want to make sure.”
Proud. I’ll make Levi proud.
Say it. Say it. Say it.
There was nothing but silence as Levi awaited Eren’s answer, eyes focused on Eren’s own. Outside the snow continued to fall, lining the streets with white. Faded in the silence Eren could barely hear the crackling of the firewood downstairs, but the heat did not reach Levi’s cold, dim, room.His lover traced his lips, a silent beg, a silent push for Eren to say the words Levi wanted him to.“I…. I d-don’t…” The blood, the shattered bone, the ringing shots, the pure panic pulsing through his veins, “I don’t h- h- hate –” Annie’s cries, the way Bertholdt’s body fell limp, his father’s tight grip on his own body as he pulled Eren under, “I don’t… don’t. I don’t- hate- hate- hate them.”Eren looked at Levi through blurred vision to see Levi beaming at him, the moonlight dancing in his eyes, smile wide and gorgeous and radiating with happiness. It instantly filled him with a feeling of calm, easing the beating of his heart. He sighed and the panic began to leave him with every breath. Levi kissed him, passionate and loving, his hands moving to rest on the sides of Eren’s face.“You’re such a good boy for me,” Levi whispered, “You always make me so proud.”
He’s proud of me.
Tears began to roll down Eren’s cheeks once more. He couldn’t tell if it was because of the bliss of making his lover proud; or the dull, aching pain that lurked within him, only briefly pushed aside during these moments with Levi. Perhaps it was both, however, and the numbness that sat over him like a blanket, overcasting everything else he felt, left him unable to decipher his own emotions.Whatever the reason was, the smile on Levi’s face had made it worth it.“Oh baby,” Levi’s thumb brushed his cheeks. “You’re crying again.”“I-I know, I don’t know w-why,” Eren said, stifling a small laugh, feeling his heart drop.“You’ve had a long day, love. It’s alright to feel a little overwhelmed.”“I don’t feel o-overwhelmed. Just… a bit numb.”“Hmm? And why is that?”Eren turned his face, his smile faltering. He can hear Mr and Mrs Hoover’s screams echoing in his mind again, and the cuts in his hands ache as if they were freshly opened once more. “From… you know,”“Seeing that boy die.”“Y-Yeah,” Eren sighed, gaze drifting to the bedsheets beneath him and his lover. He shifted closer, letting Levi’s arms wrap around his middle and hold him a little tighter against his chest.“It’ll fade. Eventually,” Levi said. “Find something else to focus on, if you need to.”“I just feel so… hurt. For his family. They saw their only child die. They must… must be feeling so much pain right now, and I- I feel so bad, I can’t do anything about it, and yet I want to.”“Don’t dwell on it. It’ll make it worse, love. You’re right, there’s nothing you can do, so don’t waste time trying to think of something,” Levi said, and pressed a soft kiss to Eren’s head. He started to fall back and Eren followed, laying on top of Levi with the moonlight gently lighting their bodies.Underneath him Eren can feel the rise and fall of Levi’s chest, the steady beating of his heart, the warmth from his body radiating through him. Blush gently dusted Eren’s cheeks a lighter shade of pink and he bit back a smile, snuggling a little closer to his lover. The irony in Levi telling him to focus on something else – had he not noticed that he was the other thing Eren focused on? Whenever Eren was around Levi, everything else had the ability to fade out.With Levi beside him, Eren could focus on his presence, his beauty, his gentleness, instead of the horrid memories that flash behind his eyes.“Have you found something?” Levi asked, just as the thought drifted into Eren’s mind.He smiled fondly, lifting his head to gaze at his lover. “You.”Levi smirked, twisting around until he laid beside Eren, arm resting underneath his head and the other draped around Eren’s waist. “Good. Focus on me, then. Whenever you’re unhappy, or scared, or sad, I want you to think of me, okay?”Eren reached up, gently brushing the locks of hair out of Levi’s eyes. “I already do, silly.”A faint blush creeped across Levi’s cheeks and Eren’s heart swelled up with adoration. Leaning forward he kissed Levi softly, hand running through his hair and undercut, the other resting on the lower of Levi’s back and pulling the other boy closer. He wanted to feel him, wanted to be as close as possible. Eren wasn’t sure when they would see each other again, and so he wanted to imprint the feeling of Levi’s curves, skin and touch into his mind.As it was nearing the end of November, school would soon be finishing for the year. Exams were to take up nearly a full week of Eren’s life, and so it would be a full week of most likely not being able to see his lover. It was still at least a fortnight away, but Eren was dreading it.The kiss turned heated, their breaths becoming quicker, heartbeats pounding, skin burning as they gripped onto one another, pulling each other closer. The heat in the pit of his stomach begin to rise and he smiled into the kiss, loving the way it made all his other thoughts drift away. With Levi by his side, there was nothing to worry about, nothing to fear anymore.“Make… make me forget it all,” Eren said in-between kisses, and Levi replied by kissing him harder.Their touches were desperate and Eren shuddered and whined when Levi’s hands ran up underneath his shirt, spreading out across his bare chest. Levi twisted one nipple between his fingers and Eren groaned, sparks bolting throughout his body, hips instinctively rocking up against Levi’s hard length. The friction sent arousal straight to the pit of his stomach and Eren’s hands pulled on the ends of Levi’s shirt, a wordless beg for it to be removed. All Eren wanted was to feel skin on skin.Levi obeyed the silent wish, pulling back from the kiss for only a second to tug the shirt over his head, and then grabbing Eren’s and doing the same. His eyes trailed down Eren’s chest, a smirk curling his reddened lips. “Fuck. You’re gorgeous, baby.”“L-Levi,” Eren breathed out, hand touch his lover’s chest. They stopped on the buttons of his jeans, “I… I want to- Can I –”His cheeks burn when Levi quirks an eyebrow at him, the expression so mundane yet so arousing in the moment. “Yeah? What do you want to do, hmm? Use your words.”Eren wiggled himself a little lower on the bed, heartbeat throbbing in his throat. He’d never done something like this before, and even though he had faint memories of asking – in the middle of the town square, of all places – alcohol did not cloud his thoughts this time. A part of him really wished Levi had offered him some, for perhaps it would make the entire situation less daunting, and made him feel far less exposed then Eren did.He stopped just above Levi’s hipbones. Cautiously, and slowly, Eren pressed kisses to the bare skin of Levi’s stomach, drinking in the way Levi shuddered underneath his touch, and his hands came to rest on Eren’s head, brushing the locks out of his eyes.Through his lashes, Eren looked up at his lover. “Can… can I suck it?”“Y-Yeah, fuck, yeah, okay,” Levi rushed out.Eren took his time unbuttoning the jeans, feeling his own grow increasingly tight. Beneath the denim he could see Levi’s hard cock through the thin black boxers and a shy, timid smile curled his lips. His attention flickered back to Levi for a moment, heart shuddering at the way his lover watched him intensely, eyes focused on his own.With shaking hands Eren reached out to rub the length through the fabric, it warm and hard beneath his touch. Levi sucked in a harsh breath when his fingertips traced the leaking tip. Adrenaline and arousal flooded Eren’s veins, urging him to go on, to remove the boxers, to take Levi’s cock into his mouth just as he did in his own dreams. But Eren was slow, anxiety mixing in with the adrenaline and arousal as self-doubt begun to creep up on him. When Levi had done it, Eren saw stars, his body had felt numb from pleasure and Eren was unsure if he could do the same.Had Levi had experience? The thought made Eren’s heart sink, but Eren was not like Levi in many ways. He was too innocent, too young, too naïve. More than anything Eren wanted to make Levi feel good and feel pleasure but he had no idea what he was supposed to do. Until he met Levi, Eren didn’t know so many things – like how good it felt to kiss boys, how much he wanted to touch Levi sexually, that doing sexual acts before marriage wasn’t as sinful as he thought. Levi never told him the latter, but Eren had figured that his parents and his God had lied about that too, for it felt too good to be a sin. Levi seemed to notice, for one hand came to rest a finger on Eren’s chin, lifting his head.“You don’t have to,” Levi said.“I-I want to,” Eren was quick to reply, “But I- I don’t know how,”Levi fondly smiled. He sat up, leaning forward to cup Eren’s face and kiss him softly. “You’re still so innocent. How adorable. It’s okay, I’ll guide you.”Eren breathed out an okay, grinning as he kissed Levi with an open mouth. Levi smirked into the kiss, his expression darkening and Eren almost whined as Levi bit his lip, one hand trailing up his back and tugging on the chain around his neck. Eren was positive Levi can feel his heartbeat thumping beneath his skin, the adrenaline pumping around his veins leaving a rush jolting through him. Any patience seemingly evaporated when Levi started to trail kisses down his jawline and neck, sucking onto faded hickeys, shooting pleasure right down to his cock.“L-Levi,” Eren gasped out, his lover biting and licking and sucking on the sensitive skin of his neck with desperateness. His hands gripped onto Levi’s undercut. The heat in his stomach had begun to coil, wrapping around him, the arousal rising with every second.Levi tugged on the chain again, “Take the necklace off.”His grip around Levi faltered. Eren pulled away, catching his breath before he stared at Levi with furrowed brows and said: “Why?”Eren never took his necklace off. The only time he had been without it was when he had showers, or when he lost it for a few weeks at the end of October. It was special to him – it symbolised his God, his faith, his family. The three things that Eren loved and adored the most, the three things he had always been taught were more important than anything else in the world. Why would Levi want to take it off? It wasn’t like it was in the way, it barely hung off his neck.“Do what I say, baby. Take it off. You can always put it back on later.”
Listen to him. It’s just a necklace.
With trembling fingers Eren reached up around his neck, unclipping the necklace and placing it down on the bedsheets beside them. It earned him another wicked smirk from his lover and Eren’s eyes were half-lidded with lust as he drunk in the sight before him. Levi’s hair was a little stuck up at the ends from where Eren ran his fingers through it, and his lips were plump and bright pink from their kisses. He was gorgeous, stunning, the most beautiful person Eren had ever seen in the world, and he forgot all about the necklace as he kissed Levi again, sliding his tongue in to taste as much as possible.Moments pass of more passionate kisses and of more hickeys being placed on each other’s necks before Eren felt Levi’s hands in his hair, gently pushing him down. He followed, lowering himself to where he had been minutes earlier. A shy smile tugged up on his lips as he nervously reached out to rub Levi’s cock through the fabric of his boxers, feeling satisfied when his lover let out a deep groan.Eren stilled as Levi shifted around, grabbing the hem of his boxers and pulling them off.“O-Oh,” Eren stuttered out. He breathed in harshly as he took in the sight before him; Levi’s cock was big, thick, and Eren’s mind went a little blank as he shakily wrapped fingers around it – they barely fit – feeling the warmth beneath the touch. “It’s so big.”Levi laughed, loud and unexpected. Eren looked up at him through fluttering lashes, cheeks flushed a deeper shade of red. “D-Did I say something wrong?”“Not at all. It’s cute,” Levi’s hand reached down to brush the hair off his face. “You going to suck it, baby? Make me feel good? Hmm?”A grin curled his lips and Eren nodded, earning him another smile. Levi’s hand moved to the back of his head and gently edged him forward as Eren continued to stroke the hard, dripping length, loving how each time his fingers ran over the head his lover would gasp and whine underneath his breath. The bandages on Eren's hand made it difficult for they covered part of his palm, but Levi didn't seem to mind, for he had said nothing of them. Hesitantly he licked a stripe up the underside, remembering what Levi did to him and copying. Levi’s cock twitched in his palm and Eren smiled, repeating the action, over and over. Levi groaned loudly from above him, the grip in Eren’s hair tightening.He licked over the slit of the head and Levi whined, the sound fuelling the increasing pit of heat and pleasure inside Eren and he did it again, tasting the salted pre-cum on his tongue, desperete to hear another whine slip past his boyfriend's lips.“Fuck,” Levi gasped, “Y-You’re doing so well, baby.”Eren hummed, satisfied at hearing his lover’s sounds and praise. He wanted to make Levi feel good, feel the best he ever had, so that anybody else before Eren or after him would never be able to compare.Well, there would be nobody after Eren. He and Levi would be together forever, like they promised.Taking a leap, Eren wrapped his lips around the head, feeling his mouth stretch as he sucked it into his mouth. Levi’s hips jolt up and he cursed under his breath, “Fuck, yeah, just like that,”Eren pushed his head down, his tongue pressed up flat against the underside as he continued to suck. The feeling was strange and unusual, brand new and different but Eren was quick to like it. Each sound Levi continued to make made his heart race, made his skin grow hot, made his own cock twitch and grow increasingly hard and painful in his jeans. Eren bobbed his head up and down, pulling off with a pop only to then lick the length again, holding it in his palm.He pressed a kiss to it, copying Levi from weeks earlier, and looked up at his lover through his lashes before he said: “Am I doing okay? Do you like it?”Eren's voice was a little quieter and higher in pitch than he was used to, the words slightly scratchy in sound. Levi met his gaze, cheeks a bright, pretty pink as he nodded.“Feels so good, Eren.”Eren hummed in satisfaction before taking Levi’s cock into his mouth again, pushing himself down further, feeling it hit the back of his throat. A high-pitched, pretty whine left Levi’s mouth and Eren’s shoved his free hand into his jeans, rubbing his own cock to the noises, feeling the pressure in his stomach build quick.Pulling off again Eren pressed it against his cheek, licking it and sucking the sides, earning him more gasps and moans from his lover. He doesn’t know what had overcome him but suddenly Eren felt bold, confident, for Levi was feeling this way because of him, for he was making Levi whine and gasp and quietly beg and Eren felt powerful. A smirk curled his lips as he said: “Don’t I look so pretty, Levi?”Levi’s eyes fluttered open. “Gorgeous, baby. Love sucking my cock, don’t you?”Eren took it back into his mouth, sucking only on the head whilst his hand stroked and twisted around the length. “Mhm,” He hummed around it, knowing the vibrations would feel good. His own hand continued to palm his cock, increasing in pace as he chased the heat, the pleasure, the pure arousal.“Ah, fuck, go- go a little harder,” Levi moaned, hand in Eren’s hair pushing him further down. He almost gagged as Levi’s cock hit the back of his throat repeatedly, Levi’s hand forcing his head up and down at a faster pace. His cheeks had begun to hurt, stretched around the thick length but Eren continued. It felt good, it felt wonderful to know that he was making Levi feel pleasure and so Eren obeyed Levi’s wishes, sucking a little harder, letting himself be directed by Levi as his cock thrusted in and out of Eren’s strained, drooling mouth.Eren’s own cock twitched as he palmed it quick and fast, the pleasure in his stomach becoming almost unbearable. He moaned and whined around Levi’s length, still sucking it into his mouth. A part of him felt used, exposed, dirty, sinful but Eren was too far into bliss to care if he was being used, if it was a sin, if his God thought it was dirty. If someone was to walk in right now, Eren wasn’t even sure what he would do. The blinding pleasure was right there, just beyond his reach, and Levi’s noises were so fucking pretty that he could barely stop himself from pulling off to kiss his lover senseless.“Eren, I- Ah, fuck,” Levi whined, “I’m going, I’m… ah, I’m gonna’-”Seconds later the heat became blinding and Eren came, his body trembling and jaw going slack as he whined and groaned around Levi’s cock. But Levi’s hips continued to thrust up into his mouth, his cock slamming into the back of Eren’s throat almost painfully and tears began to prick at the corner of his eyes. His lover gasped and whined, hands tight in Eren’s hair.“E-Eren!”Hot, salty liquid pooled in Eren’s mouth and Levi stopped, cock twitching around Eren’s lips as he pulled off. Eren swallowed, gasping and taking in a deep breath of air as he tried to calm his racing heart. Licking his lips, Eren wiggled himself back up to where Levi laid, panting, lips parted and cheeks red. Little wisps of hair are stuck to his forehead with sweat and Eren brushed them off, pressing a kiss to his lover’s temple. Levi’s eyes were closed but he found Eren’s waist regardless, pulling him closer until their bodies were flushed against one another.“Was… was that good?” Eren whispered.“You’re amazing; you know that?”His heart flipped, butterflies blooming in his stomach and Eren let out a breathy laugh, kissing Levi’s cheek. “Not nearly as wonderful as you are.” You’re the best person in the whole world, Levi.Together in silence they laid for a few minutes, listening to nothing but each other’s steadying breaths. Eren snuggled a little closer to Levi, laying his head on his lover’s chest, listening to the slowing beating of his heart. Levi’s hands played with his hair, another resting around Eren’s waist. After the adrenaline has faded from Eren’s veins, drowsiness took its place, and his eyes begun to fall shut.“Can… can I sleep here? Will you take me home before morning?” Eren said, hand stretching out to rest across Levi’s chest. Eren’s skin felt a little cold in the night air, but Levi was warm.“Of course, my love.”“Thank you,” Eren replied. He paused, a sigh escaping his lips. When he spoke next, it was quieter, for he feared that if he spoke any louder the memories in his head would hear, and bring themselves to the front of his mind. “Thank you for distracting me, too.”“Think of me whenever your mind wonders back to it,” Levi said. He stretched his neck, pressing a kiss to Eren’s forehead. “That doesn’t matter anymore. I do. Remember that.”
That doesn’t matter. Levi does. I only should focus on him.
A feeling of calmness and safety wrapped around him tight, protecting him from any worries of the military police or any fear that he would be hurt as Eren fell asleep in Levi's embrace. The memories of the night earlier stayed far away from his mind, and he dreamt of a blue-eyed boy and his pretty smile.The necklace was left, forgotten somewhere between Levi’s bedsheets as the night hours’ drift by.Eren didn't wake up from the strangled screams below the ground, and Eren didn't wake up when Levi carried him home as the sun began to raise. Not until he was in his own bed, the Saturday sun streaming through the curtains, did he awaken with a sore jaw and heart full of a lovesick feeling.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was Monday morning. Eren laid awake in his bed, holding the notes that Levi had written for him over the past few months above his head. The weekend had been long, tiring, difficult. On Saturday he had slept most of the day, and on Sunday at church he had sobbed into silence as his father spoke a memorial for Bertholdt. Posters of Annie’s missing father had been pasted around the city, and more military police than before guarded the streets.Following Levi’s words, whenever Eren felt too sad, he thought of him.With his feet dangling in the air and a love-sick smile twisted onto his face, he read over the most recent letter – given to him some early hour of Saturday morning – as the sun filtered in through his windows and dusted his room in warm hues of orange.
My love,
I hope you sleep well. A part of me wants to keep you here, sleeping in my arms. My heart always aches when I have to leave you. I wish I could see you every day.
Do not worry about anyone hurting you. The Ackermans won’t, I promise you that. If your mother and father hurt you, or anybody else hurts you, let me know, Eren. You know I can always make them go away if you wanted me to. You’ll never have to see them again, and you could be with me forever and ever, as long as you wanted to. I’ll keep you safe. I’ll protect you from any harm, angel.
I won’t be able to see you over this weekend. I might be able to come visit you after school on Monday – if Erwin asks you to stay, then you know I’ll be seeing you soon. If not, then the latest I could see you is Thursday. My uncle needs me for work a little more than before, so most of my time is spent helping him. I hope you understand.
Remember, nothing else matters but me. Don’t focus on anything else.
Love, Levi.
“Don’t focus on anything else,” Eren whispered to himself, fingertips brushing over the words, a silly smile stretched across his lips. He reminisced the touch of Levi’s kisses, how it felt to have him in his mouth, the pretty sounds that left his lover and how lovely and soft and safe it felt to fall asleep in Levi’s arms. Blush rushed to his cheeks and Eren bit back a giggle, heart leaping at the possibility of being able to see Levi that afternoon.Thinking of his boyfriend whenever the dull ache would spread out in his chest made it easier. It made Eren able to forget, to shift his focus onto something else. He didn’t have to think about Bertholdt, Armin, the clinic – he could just think about Levi, and feel himself be at ease.“Eren! Breakfast is ready!” His mother’s voice broke his train of thought. Eren sat up in his bed, neatly and gently putting the precious letters away into the drawer of his side table. Over the weekend it had snowed, and now even as the fireplace burned overnight the house still felt cold. He pulled Levi’s black sweater closer to him, slipping on a pair of woollen slippers and trudged his way down the stairs.Downstairs his family sat around the table. The fireplace made the room smell faintly of smoke, and Eren could see the thick layer of untouched snow on the outside windowsill in the dining room. When Eren sat down beside Mikasa his mother gave him a warm smile, pushing a served plate of toast and warm porridge towards him.“So, Eren,” His father spoke from the other side of him. As usual he sat at the head of the table, thin glasses perched on his nose bridge, hair a little stuck up at the sides from when he slept. A newspaper sat in front of him, flicked through and already read. He took a slow sip of steaming coffee, adjusting the crooked collar of his stripped, woollen night shirt. “Are you feeling better, today? Your mother and I have talked – we already discussed this with Mikasa, whilst you were still asleep upstairs – and we have decided that, if you wish, you could stay home from school today.”Eren paused, half-way through chewing a piece of toast. He blinked, processing his father’s words as a silence fell over his family. Never did his mother or father allow Eren and Mikasa to stay home – not unless they were terribly, irrefutably ill – and so Eren’s mind froze as he struggled to form the words to speak. Staying home sounded nice, he’d be able to sleep all day, maybe read some of the anatomy books that his father had given him a few weeks ago. But there was also the possibility of Levi waiting for him after school, and so Eren swallowed the rest of the toast and shook his head.“I’m okay.”“You don’t want to stay home?” His father raised a brow. Eren shook his head again, and his father sighed, shrugging slightly as he took another sip of his morning coffee. “Alright, then.”“I’m staying home,” Mikasa said from beside him. Eren rolled his eyes.“And?” The word was spat from his mouth with a bitter undertone.“I’m just saying,”“I don’t care that you’re staying home. It’s not going to change my mind.”“Eren,” His mother interrupted, placing a pot of coffee on the table a little too loud. “Stop it with your attitude. Apologise right now.”
Don’t. You’ve done nothing wrong. Levi wouldn’t want you to apologise. Why should you?
Eren gulped back his thoughts, sucking in a deep breath. His lips twitched into a small smile, “I’m sorry, Mikasa. I’m… just a little on edge. Sorry, again.”She smiled at him, hand reaching out to rest on Eren’s fumbling ones. It was meant to be comforting, but it felt like simply a dead weight. A part of Eren pricked at him to shove it off, to go back up stairs and to re-read Levi’s letters and re-live his touches. After all, Levi was the only person that could really, truly comfort Eren anyway. Mikasa’s attempts always felt so empty, compared to his. “It’s okay to be on edge, son,” His father spoke, words soft. Eren’s gaze flickered back to him, heart flipping at his father’s unusual tone. A small smile rested on his lips. “It’s…. been quite a long few days. But remember, your sister doesn’t deserve your little outbursts – even if, in this situation, it’s understandable.”Eren merely blinked. After a moment he cleared his throat, nodding, turning his head back down to the table in front of him. He wasn’t used to his father being so kind. It made Eren’s stomach coil, his chest grew tight with unease. It was weird. It was different. Eren wasn’t sure if he liked it, anymore.Besides, if Eren had said no to volunteering at his father’s clinic, would he be so nice now?His mind drifted back to Levi. His lips twitched up into a smile, heart fluttering at the memories. The clock tower stroke ten times, signalling that it was ten o’clock in the morning. Erwin finished writing the remainder of his sentence on the board, placing the piece of chalk down on his desk as he turned around, and scanned the classroom.Many of Eren’s classmates were not in school today. Mikasa, Annie, Marco, Ymir and Historia had all stayed at home. It was only Jean, Connie, Armin, Sasha and Eren. The class remained still as Erwin looked over them. His gaze lingered on Eren’s just a little bit longer than the others; Eren bit back a smile when he saw the faint hint of one on Erwin’s face. He knew what that meant. His heart soared in his chest as Eren sunk back into his chair, a blissful sigh escaping his lips. At least Eren would be reunited with his lover soon enough.“After lunch, we’ll go over quadratic functions once more,” Erwin spoke, pulling out his chair and sitting down. Once he was seated, Eren’s friends started to talk among themselves. Jean pulled his chair over to Connie and Sasha’s, the trio instantly going into deep conversation about the weekend, no doubt, leaving Eren and Armin alone.Eren twiddled with his thumbs, unease beginning to fill his veins once more. Armin hasn’t spoken to him since Mikasa told Eren about the clinic. There was no doubt that Armin felt betrayed, hurt, disappointed – after all, only that day had Armin told Eren how he truly felt about the clinic. To hear that Eren had agreed to work alongside his father must have felt… awful.But still, why didn’t Armin talk to him? Why did he ignore him? Why wouldn’t he give Eren a chance?
Stop thinking about it. Think about Levi.
But what would Levi think?Eren hadn’t told him on Friday about the clinic – he’d been too upset, too focused on wanting to forget the horrible memories in his head – but if Levi was to see him that afternoon, then Eren would be able to tell him about it then. Would his lover be furious? Disappointed? Hurt?
What if he didn’t love me anymore?
His heart twisted, stomach coiling around a heavy, thick knot of anxiety that rapidly formed inside of him. It weighed him down, squishing any slither of happiness and excitement he felt for the upcoming hours. Eren sunk back in his seat, tears prickling the corner of his eyes as a hopeless sigh escaped his lips. Involuntarily he shivered – but it must have been simply the cold – and he closed his eyes, only to see the blooded remains of Bertholdt’s head flashing in front of him.Once more the sounds of Mr and Mrs Hoover’s screams and Eren’s own ripping through his throat filled his ears. The air around him seemed to leave as each breath became more difficult and Eren vaguely felt his fingernails digging into the skin of his palms, opening the still-healing wounds from where the glass had cut into it. The glass – all over the floor – shattered from when the Ackermans had kidnapped Annie’s father. The blood pooled around it, gushing out from Annie’s arm, gushing out from Bertholdt’s head, gushing out from the cuts on Eren’s hands and –“Eren, hey, Eren!”A loud bang echoed throughout the classroom when Eren jumped from the sudden warmth of Armin’s hand on his shoulder, his knee hitting underneath the desk. His throat felt dry as he heaved, unable to suck in enough oxygen. A painful ache began to sink into his chest, into his bones and no matter how hard Eren tried it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t breathe, and even as Armin began to shake his shoulder and Erwin stood up from his chair, all Eren could do was panic and silently cry as everything began to hurt. It felt as if the walls started to close in on him, suffocating him, stopping any air from reaching his lungs. Eren began to claw at his own chest as if begging for it to rip open. The sounds of his own croaked whispers barely reached his ears.Erwin rushed over, thick eyebrows furrowed. Through glassy eyes Eren watched his teacher mouth something – perhaps his name – but Eren couldn’t hear anything, nothing at all except the loud gunshots, the screams, his own cries, Annie’s broken voice.Nothing but pure terror and panic pulsed through Eren’s veins. He needed to leave. He needed to get out of the classroom; the classroom that, with each ticking second, seemed to become smaller and smaller around him. His fingernails began to dig in at his throat as his mind screamed at him – open it, open it, let the air inside of you – and it stung, hurt, ached but Eren continued to scratch, desperate to breathe clearly and openly.“Eren! You need to breathe, take deep breaths!” Erwin’s voice mixed in with the screams, “Think about something else. Think about something that calms you.”
Something that calms me?
Through blooded images and sounds of gunshots, memories of Levi’s gentle touch, his warm smile, his deep, beautiful voice began to seep into Eren’s mind. He closed his eyes, leaning back into his chair, hands dropping from where they clawed at his chest and his throat. Tears rolled down his flushed cheeks, tasting salted on his tongue as Eren sucked in shaking, heaving breaths.Levi’s hand was reaching out towards him, intertwining with Eren’s own. In his memories he could feel the warmth of it, the comforting weight. Flashes of his most treasured moments with his lover – drinking for the first time at the river, kissing his cheek under the cherry blossom tree, falling asleep in his arms – overpowered any of the terror, the panic, the trauma.After a few moments, Eren took his first deep breath.He opened his eyes.Erwin stared back at him, creased formed between his brows. Jean, Connie and Sasha had stood up from their chairs, crowding around behind their teacher with expressions of concern weaved into their faces. Then, to Eren’s side, was Armin.His gaze flickered to his best friend. The light reflected in Armin’s glassy eyes, mouth slightly agape as his hand gripped tightly onto Eren’s own. So that was the warmth on my hand, Eren thought.“Are- Are you okay?” Armin asked, voice soft, as if he feared that speaking too loud would send Eren back into a whirlpool of panic. When Eren said nothing, Armin spoke again. “Eren?”He gulped, his throat dry. “I… I’m fine,” Eren said. Looking at Armin’s hand, Eren’s stomach twisted. He shoved it off – Armin was angry with him, and Eren didn’t want any fake pity – pulling his hands under the desk. With the panic subsided, the stinging pain from his scratches on his throat made Eren bit back a wounded hiss.Armin’s frown deepened at Eren’s action. Eren tried to ignore how it made his heart ache.
It doesn’t matter. Remember? Levi said only to focus on him.
“Do you need some water, Eren?” Erwin spoke, already half-way standing. He nodded, hand reaching up to rub at his sore throat. Going back to his desk, Erwin poured a glass of water from a jug, and took it to Eren. He mumbled a thank-you before taking a large sip, feeling relief at the cool liquid sliding down his throat.“Damn, Eren,” Jean said, running a hand through his hair. “I thought you were going to pass out.”“Jean!” Sasha nudged his side.“Ha,” Eren coughed out, “I would of preferred that.”“You scared me,” Armin mumbled. It was low enough that the others could not hear, soft enough that Eren thought it was genuine. He kept his gaze at the half-empty glass of water in front of him, hands still shaking as a side effect of the panic. Eren wanted to snap at him – why would it scare you, when you hate me right now? You ignored me for a week, even this morning, when you knew what happened on Friday, – but kept quiet, for yelling at Armin in front of his classmates and Erwin would make everything more complicated, and all Eren craved right now was rest.So instead he shrugged, and said with a whisper: “I’m sorry.” At the end of the day, Armin tried to talk to Eren. Erwin was organising papers at his desk, and the others had already left the classroom and began their walks home. The classroom was at peace, and Eren was drawing love-hearts into his book as his mind was filled with thoughts of Levi. Armin stood in front of Eren’s desk, and said: “Are you leaving?”“I’m staying,” Eren said, reply short, words bitter. He leaned over his book, attempting to cover the hearts with his arm and head.“Why?”“Why are you talking to me?” He snapped, slamming his book shut onto the desk and standing up. His hands curled into fists as he stared, eyes narrowed and fixated on his best friend’s frowning face. Frustration coiled around him. Eren wanted to be left alone, to daydream about Levi as he waited for him without any interruptions.“I…” Armin started, before his gaze fell to the ground. He shrugged his shoulders, holding his school bag tight to his chest. “I wanted to. About… last week. What Mikasa said. Friday. About this morning.”“After you ignore me last week?” Eren words were low. He leaned closer, feeling anger boil inside of him. Armin weakly nodded, biting his lip. A bitter laugh left him. He shook his head, sitting back down. “Fuck off, Armin.”“Eren,” Armin choked, “I’m sorry, okay? But- But- But I was angry! You- You said, you told me that you didn’t agree with the clinic, and then the next day your sister happily tells me that you are volunteering! What- What the fuck, Eren?”Eren’s gaze flickered back up. He raised a brow, a smirk curling his lips. “Wow, I thought I would never hear you say the word fuck. Sounds weird, coming from you.”Frustration began to weave its way into Armin’s expression. His eyebrows furrowed deeper, mouth parted in shock as he stuttered mere words. “What- What is with you? Why are you acting like this?”“Oh, I don’t know,” Eren rolled his eyes, “I have to volunteer at some torture clinic because if I said no, my father would beat me, then my best friend ignored me for a whole week without even letting me try to explain myself, and- and –” Eren paused, breathing deep. His next words were significantly louder, almost a shout as he said: “And I saw someone get shot in the fucking face!”“Boys!” Erwin said from the front of the classroom. He had stood up, a brow raised. “I don’t know what’s going on, but please, take it outside.”His gaze lingered on Eren’s a little longer, and Eren already knew what Erwin was thinking. Levi will be here soon. Armin cannot be here when he comes. Get him to leave.Armin’s hand gripped onto Eren’s arm, and before he could protest his best friend was dragging him outside the classroom. Out in the open, with the clouded-sky above and the wind harsh against their skin Eren shivered, wrapping his free arm closer around himself. As the school was sat on top of a hill, the wind was ruthless – not hindered by buildings as it was down below in the city. The first few snowflakes had begun to dwindle down from the sky, but Armin’s expression alone would melt them.“Listen, Eren,” He spat, still gripping tight onto Eren’s arm. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ignored you, but I was hurt! Because I trusted you, and I thought you- you wouldn’t do something like that. I thought, that maybe my two best friends weren’t really as good as I thought they were and it hurt!”Eren opened his mouth to reply, but Armin shook his head. “No. Don’t speak, I’m not finished. You don’t get it, Eren. Your parents are the owners of the church. And when you came into school, and your sister told me that, I thought for a while there that you told them about what I said. Do you know how much- how- how bad that would be, for me, for my grandfather, if people learned that I think this whole clinic is awful, and that I don’t think gay people are sick?”Armin’s cheeks were flushed red, but he continued to ramble, “My grandfather is a fisherman. He relies on other people buying his fish. What if they found out about that, and then, stopped buying it in protest? We’d starve! You know people in this town aren’t friendly to those who don’t agree with the church – with your parents. My grandfather was already taking a risk when he didn’t donate. I was scared, Eren, I thought you went behind my back, I was hurt, and I thought you had lied to me.”“I…” Eren blinked. Armin dropped his arm, but on instinct Eren reached out for it again. His heart twisted, aching at the thought of having hurt his best friend. For the past week he had believed Armin was angry with him, but to know that he was scared – that he thought Eren had betrayed him – it made everything ache.He wanted to speak, to apologise, but no words came through. So instead Eren stepped forward, wrapping his arms around his best friend. Snowflakes had begun to dust their hair with white, cooling their skin, leaving them shivering. Armin hugged him hard, hands gripping onto the back of Eren’s shirt.“But,” Armin’s voice cracked. “I didn’t realise that your father….”“It’s okay,” Eren said. Armin’s shoulders shuddered, and beneath the sound of the wind he could hear his faint cries. Just as Levi had done to him before, Eren softly shushed him, rubbing circles into his back. Blinking away tears, Eren leaned his head on top of Armin’s. It felt good to be hugged, to have Armin not ignore him anymore. Guilt began to coil around him after hearing Armin’s words – he never wanted to make Armin afraid or feel betrayed. Never again.“No it’s not! It’s not okay that you felt like you couldn’t say no!” Armin shook his head, peering back from the hug to glance at Eren with teary eyes. “What- What are you going to do?”“I… I don’t know,” Eren said. “I haven’t thought about it.”“I missed you,” Armin blurted out, switching the topic of conversation. He felt grateful – Eren didn’t want to talk about the clinic, anymore. He didn’t want to think about it at all.Eren’s lips tug up into a smile. A few tears roll down his cheeks, “I missed you too. I… I’m sorry. Please don’t ignore me again, though,” His smile faltered. “Everyone always ignores me. I hate it.”“I won’t, I promise.” Armin sniffled. He let out a nervous laugh, wiping away tears with his hand, “And… about this morning, Eren, I- I was saying the truth when I said you scared me. I’ve never seen you like that. You were shaking, and it sounded like you couldn’t breathe at all.”“I felt like I couldn’t, either.”“Was… Did- Did it happen because of… you know,” Armin trailed off, eyes drifting to the ground. A sigh escaped past Eren’s lips – he could already hear the distant gunshots in his mind, the intense smell of blood reaching his nose. His arms dropped from around Armin, and he shoved his hands in his pockets. Shifting from side to side, Eren nodded.“Yeah.”“I’m sorry.”“Stop apologising so much,” Eren half-heartedly chuckled. “It’s not your fault. I’m fine, anyway.”It was true. Eren was fine – as long as he remembered Levi, he could ignore the ache, the pain, the trauma etched deep into his brain.“Eren,” Armin reached out, resting his hand on his shoulder. Their gazes locked; a frown was weaved deep into Armin’s features. He smiled, gently, as if to try and reassure Eren. “It’s… okay to not be fine. You’re allowed to grieve. It’s a lot to take in, and to try and- and recover, from.”“I’m- I’m fine,” Eren said again, blinking away the tears that welled up in his eyes, a shaking smile on his lips. “I’ll be okay, Armin, don’t worry.”“Well,” The gentle smile still sat on Armin’s lips, and his hand slipped off Eren’s shoulder. “I’m always here. If you ever need anything. Do… do you want to walk home, with me?”Eren shook his head. His mind suddenly remembered Levi – beautiful, wonderful, Levi – and his cheeks grew rosy with blush. “I’m staying behind. I have to… uh, ask Mr Smith some questions.”His best friend’s face was bleak, eyes suspicious but he nodded, reaching forward to pull Eren into one last hug. It was warm, and something Eren needed so bad after the past week. Armin gave another smile he said his goodbyes, before he turned, walking down the cobbled stairs of the side of the hill.After talking to Armin, Eren felt lighter. The ache in his chest was a little less, and as he walked back inside of the classroom his mind was a little clearer than it was before.
Everything will be fine.
“If you two were out there any longer, you would of ran into Levi,” Erwin commented as Eren slipped inside, taking his seat at his desk once more. “You know Armin can’t meet him, right?”Eren sighed, resting his head in his palm. “I know.”
I want him to. I want him to meet Levi.
Yet Eren knew that Armin couldn’t. That none of his friends or family could ever meet Levi, for they wouldn’t understand their love, and they’d try to keep Eren and Levi apart. That’s what Levi had always told him. It hurt; it made Eren feel a little alone, for he couldn’t talk to anyone about how much he was infatuated with his lover without risking their relationship or Levi’s safety.Perhaps Armin would understand Eren liking boys, but he wouldn’t understand his love for Levi.When Levi walked through the door only minutes later, Eren sighed in relief. He let his lover stride over to him, leaning down to kiss the top of his head from where Eren still sat in his seat. Normally he would have jumped up at seeing his lover – but Eren felt tired, exhausted, and all he wanted was to be hold, for Levi to kiss him softly and tell him everything is okay.“Hi, baby,” Levi whispered, before glancing up at Erwin – still at the front of the room – and said: “A lot of kids stayed home today, I’m guessing?”Erwin nodded, shuffling the last remaining pages into a neat pile, before sliding them into a drawer. “Yeah. Only about four or five of them. I suppose the rest were too scared to come to school.”Levi scoffed. “Do they think they’ll get shot, or something?”Eren stiffened.“Sorry,” His lover mumbled, noticing the sudden tenseness in Eren’s shoulders, where his hands laid gently on. Eren weakly smiled at nothing in particular, bending his head back so he could look at his lover. His hands reach up to rest on top of Levi’s as the older boy pressed a soft kiss to his lips.“If you two are going to start making out again,” Erwin’s voice echoed off the walls of the classroom, “I’m going to leave. Again.”“Oh, don’t be dramatic,” Levi rolled his eyes, the beginnings of a smirk curling his lips. He stood back, pulling out Armin’s chair from the desk beside Eren’s to sit down on. Noticing it was too far away, Eren pouted, causing Levi to simply raise a brow at him, and shuffle a little closer before he said: “Better?”Their chairs were so close now that their thighs touched. Eren smiled – fully this time – and nodded. He let his head fall to rest on Levi’s shoulder, his hand placed shyly on Levi’s inner thigh. The warmth from Levi radiated off of him, and Eren’s skin tingled from where they touched. He adored being close to Levi, a lot more than anyone else; perhaps it was because besides Armin, Eren rarely was hugged, or shown affection to, by others in his life.When Levi came into his world, it was no wonder that Eren became so infatuated with him.Even now, with so much happening in Eren’s life, Levi still preoccupied most of his thoughts. Each night he dreamed of him, each spare moment was spent remembering their time together or daydreaming of future adventures, each time Eren felt that all familiar, dull pain in his chest he simply thought of Levi’s wonderful smile and felt calmness seep back into him again.“How was your day, Eren?” Levi said, turning his head to press a kiss to his temple.He shrugged, “It was okay. I… I talked to Armin, today.”
Do I tell him about the clinic?
“Oh? What about? Wasn’t he ignoring you, my love?”
Will he be angry with me? Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should say it was about something else.
“Yeah, he was… but now he isn’t, anymore.”Eren’s eyes flicker upwards, meeting Erwin’s steady gaze. If the man had heard their conversation earlier – and with Eren’s raised voice in the midst of his frustration, there was no doubt that he did – then Erwin probably already knew the truth about Eren and Armin’s conversation.
Don’t lie to Levi. He would never lie to you. Just tell him. If he hits you, you deserve it.
Eren’s eyes fluttered closed, his muscles tensing under Levi’s gentle touch as he prepared himself. Breathing deeply, he muttered with quiet sounds: “It was about my father’s clinic.”In his hair Levi’s fingertips gently ran through it, before falling to rest on Eren’s far shoulder. “Hhm?”Without even looking, Eren knew what Levi’s expression looked like. He’d have that slightly raised brow, his gorgeous, tired eyes a little bit narrowed, his lips pressed thin.
Tell him. Don’t lie to him. He only deserves the truth.
“Please…” Eren spoke, his hands curling into anxious fists. “Please don’t be angry with me. I’m sorry.”There was a pause, a deafening silence in the air. Nobody spoke – not Erwin, not Levi – and all Eren could hear was his own heartbeat, thumping loud and fast in his chest, so loud he was certain that his boyfriend could hear it beside him.“Eren,” Levi said slow, voice lower than before. His arm dropped from around Eren’s shoulder, instead clasping one of his curled fists, prying the fingertips apart. The touch was soft, warm, comforting, everything that Levi was. Even without sight he could feel his lover move closer, his lips skimming over his cheek, just below his ear. When he spoke again, shivers travelled down Eren’s body. “Tell me what happened. What did you do, angel?”His stomach coiled around him, leaving a sickening feeling in the pit of his abdomen. The only time Eren had ever heard Levi speak to him with that tone before was when the two military police soldiers stopped them during one night many weeks ago, and Levi had told Eren to keep his eyes closed.He licked his lips, letting Levi’s hands clasped in his give him comfort and ease.“My father… wanted me to volunteer,” Eren said. He drew in another hesitant breath, noticing how Levi’s stayed the same – steady, and calm, as always. “I… I just wanted to make him happy, Levi, and… and… if I said no, what- what if he hit me? So… so I- I…”“You said yes, didn’t you, Eren?”Shamefaced tears pricked at the corner of his eyes. He shut his mouth, squeezing his eyes further closed, and nodded. There was a painful twang in his throat as it tightened, and it seemed that with each passing second of Levi’s silence his heart continued to sink further down.Eren waited, unspoken, unmoving. He waited for the familiar sting of a hand hitting flesh, he waited for Levi’s gentle words to turn loud, violent, furious. He waited, and waited, and waited, but there was nothing at all. No slaps, no shouting. Nothing.“I told you not to care about what your parents think,” Levi finally said after minutes of silence. His voice was unchanged – portraying no new emotions, no anger that Eren could tell. “Didn’t I, baby?”Guilt stabbed into Eren’s heart. The first tears began to roll down his cheeks as the blush – the embarrassed, shameful blush – rushed to the surface of his skin. He bit his lip, and nodded.“And if you listened to me,” A finger on Levi’s spare hand reached up, tracing Eren’s jaw. “Then, perhaps you wouldn’t have had to volunteer for this clinic?”“But- But what if he hit me?” Eren choked out, squeezing Levi’s hand hard.“I’ve told you, angel, that if your parents hurt you then I can always make sure that you never have to see them again, and you can stay with me, too… forever, and ever, as long as you ever wanted to.”A shaky sigh left Eren’s lips. It’d be so lovely to live with Levi, to wake up each morning beside him, to spend his days with him. But Eren loved his parents – his family meant everything to him – and the thought of never seeing them again made his heart twist and ache and bleed with hurt. His mother and father hurt him sometimes, but it was only when Eren deserved it.
But if you said no, and he hit you, did you deserve it then?
They only hit you when you try to be free. When you disobey them. That’s what Levi said.
“I’m so sad,” Levi cooed, his lips pressing a kiss on Eren’s rosy cheeks. “I thought you trusted me. When I told you not to care about your parents… I thought…”“I- I trust you!” Eren rushed out, opening his eyes, turning his head in a frantic panic to lock eyes with his lover. “I do! I do, Levi!”“But, if you did… then you wouldn’t have wanted to make your parents happy, would you?” Levi cocked his head to the side, a small pout on his lips. It made Eren’s heart skip, and he leaned forward, pressing plentiful of small kisses over Levi’s cheeks and lips and forehead.“I… I trust you,” Eren mumbled, hands reaching up to cup Levi’s face. “I want to make you happy.”“Is my happiness more important than your parents?” Levi whispered.Eren faltered. His hands remained holding Levi’s face but his lips barely form any sounds, as if the cogs in his head have stopped working. It took a few seconds for Eren to register exactly what Levi was saying, and so he only blinked, mouth slightly agape as he stared at his lover’s empty eyes and faint frown.To Eren, Levi was important. Perhaps more important than Armin, even, but his parents – his lovely parents, who gave Eren food and a bed and an education – he’d always been taught that they were the most important people in his life. His God would tell him to obey his parents, to respect his parents, to want to please his parents for their love was the most important.
But… maybe God is wrong.
Levi told me that I don’t even like my parents that much, anyway.
Eren’s gaze flickered over Levi’s face. This close, he could see the faint dark circles under his eyes, the faded freckles on his nose, the slight pink to his cheeks from the cool wind outside. Levi always made Eren happy, he always made Eren laugh and smile and feel adored and beautiful.His parents?His parents… they hit him. They’ve made Eren cry more than he could remember. When a doctor told them that Eren had a sickness with his head, that it made his anger difficult to control and his mind unable to focus for too long on one thing, they told him that Eren was simply lazy, that he was simply stupid. Since Mikasa was adopted, they always put Eren second.Levi would never put Eren second.Why should Eren put Levi second?A small smile curled Eren’s lips at his realisation. Ease seeped back into him, drowning out any worry or anxious panic in his veins. He nodded, pressing another kiss to Levi. “Yeah,” He mumbled against them. “Your happiness… it’s more important, Levi.”Eren felt Levi smile, his lover’s arms coming to wrap up around him. “That’s exactly right, baby. I’m so glad you understand. Don’t worry about your parents, Eren. Don’t try to make them happy. They don’t deserve it. They’re awful. Nothing but bastards, aren’t they?”“Yeah,” Eren agreed, tightening his arms around Levi. “Bastards.”“I’ll help you with this clinic situation,” Levi leaned back, thumb reaching up to brush stray tears off Eren’s cheeks. “I’ll make sure you’re safe. Nobody’s going to hurt you.”Tingles dance across his skin, radiating out from his heart, leaving his head spinning and heart flipping inside of him. Eren kissed Levi again, letting his tongue slide in, letting his hands explore Levi’s chest and move up to run through the boy’s undercut. Suddenly Eren didn’t feel like thinking anymore; all he wanted was to hold Levi close to him, to listen to his deep voice and the way his words would have a twang of a foreign accent to them. Eren wanted to listen to Levi talk – about his day, about his emotions, about his dreams – as he laid his head in his lover’s lap.That’s all Eren felt like doing in that moment. He giggled into the kiss, heart fluttering at the way Levi chuckled at him, his hands coming up to reach underneath his skirt.Seeing Levi so happy before him, Eren knew he had said the right thing. He'd made the right decision, this time.Unlike ever before, the strange feeling of pure euphoria and adoration that pulsed through Eren’s veins ran right down to his bones. It overwhelmed him, made him unable to think of anything else. He’d never felt it before – this intense infatuation. He didn’t know what it was, but Eren couldn’t care to name it.“I leave for five minutes to pack some things away in the storage room, and I come back and you all are basically ready to fuck. Can you all relax your hormones for a little longer? At least until I go home?”Erwin’s voice cut through Eren’s thoughts. With a shy smile he pulled away from the kiss, shoving his head into the crook of Levi’s neck to hide his blush. Erwin was standing behind them, hands on his hips, eyebrow raised. Eren hadn’t even noticed that he’d left – and neither did Levi, from the way he chuckled and shook his head – and now that his mind had registered Erwin’s words, Eren wanted to laugh again. If Erwin had actually gone home, perhaps Levi and Eren would have gone a little further.Even in my classroom? Eren questioned himself. He’s too attractive. It’s his fault.“Sorry, Erwin,” Levi said, hands sliding out from under Eren’s shirt. “Couldn’t help myself.”“Yeah well, aren’t you two meeting again on Thursday? Save it until then,” Erwin shook his head with a smile, before walking past them and back up to his desk at the front of the room.Eren leaned his cheek on Levi’s shoulder, hand reaching up to trace circles on his lover’s chest. He whispered, “I’ll miss you so much.”“Don’t stop thinking about me until then,” Levi said. He kissed the top of Eren’s head.“I promise,” Eren looked up through his lashes, a soft smile on his lips. “I won’t.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Thursday had finally arrived. Throughout the school day Eren had been restless; unable to sit still at his desk, daydreams constantly at the front of his mind as he would lazily stare out the window. By the end of the day, Eren had no idea what they’d even learned in class.Not that it mattered too much. Erwin would give him better grades regardless.Since their talk a few days ago, Armin had somewhat returned to his usual self. He gave Eren hugs as the boy walked into school, talked to him at lunch. Yesterday afternoon they’d spent hours alone in Armin’s room, meaning to have revised for an upcoming exam but instead they talked, played games, strummed Armin’s grandfather’s guitar aimlessly.It was nice to be with Armin once again. Still, Levi always sat in Eren’s mind. A part of him always focused on the older boy, yearning for the moment he could be held in Levi’s arms once more. Everything was going just as Levi had told him to – whenever Eren would grow empty, stricken with guilt as the horrid memories of last Friday came to the front of his mind – he thought of his boyfriend, and let the reminiscences of Levi’s smile calm him.Even as he had laughed with Armin as they sat up in his room, Eren had felt himself to be distant. Always his mind drifted – back to Levi, back to the Ackermans, and back to Levi again. There had been multiple times that Armin had been chatting to him but Eren’s mind had been full of thoughts of Levi instead; he’d had to ask Armin to repeat his words, or would awkwardly laugh off whatever his best friend had said.But, there was nothing wrong with that. Of course Eren would be distracted by Levi. The older boy was his lover – it was perfectly rational to be thinking about him always. That’s what Eren told himself; he was certain that if he asked Levi if it was okay, Levi would say the same thing.At dinner, Eren couldn’t stop his legs from jittering under the table. Every few minutes he had to consciously remind himself not to smile, for smiling would make his parents suspicious, and they could never find out about Levi or about Eren sneaking out during the twilight hours.The table had drifted into silence when his mother spoke.“Where’s your necklace?”It was a simple question. Eren’s hands immediately went to his neck, feeling around for the cool, thin metal chain. Mikasa had turned to study him; eyebrows furrowed, lips pressed into a thin line as her eyes drifted over Eren’s bare neck.Memories of his night with Levi last Friday came to the front of Eren’s mind. His beloved had told him to take off the necklace. It had been forgotten somewhere, tangled within Levi’s sheets.The heat rose to his cheeks as the memories bled into one’s of Levi’s tender touches, the firm skin beneath him, the feeling of his length in his mouth. Eren began to rub his thighs together, digging his nails into his scarred palms to stop the heat from rushing to his stomach.His mother cleared his throat. Eren’s eyes snapped up to where she stared at him, head tilted to the side, fingertips tapping the table. “Well? Don’t tell me you’ve lost it again.”“I’ve lost it again,” Eren rushed out. His mother sighed, rolling her eyes, but Eren relaxed his palms in relief. Nobody could ever find out the truth.That night when he sees Levi again, he’ll get the necklace back. Tomorrow Eren will tell his mother that he had found it again, and all will be okay. They will never know. Levi will be safe.“Seriously, Eren, you’re always so forgetful.” His father commented from the other end of the table. “I don’t know how your grades have improved so much when you can’t even remember where you left your most precious possession.”“My most precious possession?” The words slipped past his lips before Eren could catch it.His father rested his wrists against the edge of the table, still holding his knife and fork delicately between his fingers. He raised a brow, “I didn’t realise that it was up for debate?”The heat burned into his cheeks. With every ticking second Eren’s heartbeat paced faster, pulsing the anxiety in his blood quicker around his stiffened body.“You look like some random boy on the streets without it,” Eren’s mother spoke.“I-I still- look like your son without it,” Eren let out a breathy laugh, trying to ease the choking atmosphere around him, but nobody laughed. They all stared at him, blank faced, eyes full of disappointment. Out of the corner of Eren’s eyes he could see Mikasa fumble with her identical cross necklace around her neck. It made his stomach twist. Fucking brat.“I can’t believe you lost it,” She mumbled. “I don’t go anywhere without it.”A familiar sting could be felt in Eren’s palms. Through clenched teeth, he hissed, “Well, it’s been a long week. Sorry that I was distracted.”“Nothing should distract you from our Lord and your family.”None of his parents said anything, silently showing their agreement. The knuckles in Eren’s fists turned white, his shoulders stiff, jaw clenched as he drew in shaking, slow breaths. Yet the anger, the bitterness in the pit of his stomach crawled up within him, tightening his throat, leaving his head spinning and thoughts disconnected from one another.“Not even seeing Bertholdt’s head be split open?”Eren didn’t yell. He didn’t need to; the cynicism of his words portrayed everything.Whilst the words were not wholly the truth – Levi distracted him – they were enough. They were what Eren needed to say, to twist the situation around, to stop everyone from picking on every little thing that Eren did wrong.His mother sucked in a harsh breath. “Eren, sweetheart, Mikasa didn’t intend it like that.”“Oh, I’m sure she didn’t. I’m sure she just meant it as a sarcastic little comment to remind everyone that she would never forget God or family or whatever, that only I would because I’m the useless child,” Eren spat, narrowed eyes glaring down at Mikasa’s empty expression.“Eren Jaeger, watch your mouth!” His father hit the table, sending the vegetables on Eren’s plate jumping. But the furious fire in his gut made Eren turn, a deep creased form between his furrowing brows as he unclenched his trembling fists, revealing his bloodied nails and the freshly open wounds on his scarred palms.
Don’t let them control you.
You don’t even care that much about what they think, anyway.
Caring about what they think, obeying them is what got you into volunteering at the clinic.
Levi would tell father to shut the fuck up. You should to.
“Or what?” He said.“Or you’ll be sitting out in the cold for the rest of the night, ungrateful brat! How dare you speak back to your father. Do you have no respect for your elders?” Eren’s mother raised her voice, words dripping with frustration but it only made Eren’s lips twitch up into a smirk.“Then I will! I’ll sit out in the fucking cold and freeze to death. I’m sure it’ll be doing everyone a favour. It’s not like I’m that much wanted in this family, anyway!”“Eren, you need to calm down,” Mikasa said from beside him. Her hand rested on his shoulder; it felt like it burned, being touched so gently whilst nothing but pure, violent anger started to run through his blood.Twisting around in his seat, Eren gripped her hand and shoved it off. Mikasa recoiled in her seat, her usually-calm and bleak expression finally turning into a frown as her lips parted in shock. It made a sick, unforgiving satisfaction fill him at seeing his sister visibly upset.From behind him there was the sound of a crack, a shattering noise that interrupted his thoughts. Eren turned back around to see his father having grabbed his glass of wine and thrown it against the wall of the living room, the glass being smashed into thousands of tiny shards. The red colour of the wine stained the wall, dripping down the bleak, white paint to where it would soon reach the wooden floorboards.His father’s thin lips were pressed incredibly close. As he left his hand in the air, still from where it had been as he threw the glass, Eren could see the way it trembled. Slowly, the older man lowered his arm, resting it back against the table.“I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt,” His father said, each word spoken with precision, each sound stressed as his voice dropped low. “And assume your foolish, childish behaviour is due to what has happened these past few days, and the reason you’re acting like a complete burden is because you’re traumatised.”Eren bit his lip, bracing himself for the inevitable slap, punch, or fistful of hair that will be painfully yanked. Being called a burden stung, but Eren pushed the feeling away – he shouldn’t care about what his father thought of him. Eren didn’t. He only cared about Levi.“Get up from this table now, and clean up the glass from the floor.”Eren blinked. Once again he spoke without thought, a muttered what slipping past his lips.“Don’t question me,” His father said. “Do what I say and clean up the glass.”
Don’t do what he says. Don’t listen to him. Don’t let him control you.
Gulping down the knot in his tightened throat, Eren licked his lips, feeling his mouth dry. Whispers from unknown, bitter voices taunted him in his mind; telling him to scream back, to grab the knife from his plate and throw it at his father, to let out all the built up hidden anger in him and yell until his words were sore and raw.Then there was Levi’s sweet, gentle voice, telling him softly that he could get rid of Eren’s mother and father if Eren asked, that he could make them unable to hurt Eren ever again, and then Eren and Levi could be together, forever and ever.“No,” Eren said, barely above a whisper. He was tired of obeying his father.“Excuse me?”“No,” He repeated, raising his voice a little louder this time. Mikasa gasped beside him and it fuelled Eren on. Slamming the table, he stood up, narrowing his eyes as he focused on his father’s faltering expression. “I’d rather you beat me then have to listen you ever again!”“What is wrong with you?” His mother said, voice breathy and barely audible as her mouth gaped in shock. Eren twisted around, a bitter smirk curling his lips.“Nothing at all.”He had barely time to blink before his father smacked him hard in the back of his head, the sheer force enough to send stars across his vision. Levi held his hand firmly in his. They walked through the northern side of Shiganshina, with the full moon above lighting the city streets. When Eren had seen his lover waiting for him in the streets, he greeted him without any words, kissing him softly before falling exhausted into his arms. Levi had seemed to understand – he didn’t pressure Eren to talk, and instead had taken his hand into his and started to pull him away from his home and family.There was no telling where they were going. It could be anywhere, but Eren trusted Levi.Luckily there were no bruises on his skin, for his father had only hurt his scalp. The faint cuts on his hands from where he had dug his nails and eventually – after being slapped and hit multiple times – picked up the shattered wine glass, could have passed as the fading ones from last Friday. Wrapped under bandages, stolen from the kitchen whilst everyone slept, Levi didn’t even see them, anyway.Eren wasn’t sure if he was going to tell Levi about his father hitting him. At the moment, every time he tried to speak it, his mouth wouldn’t form the words, and so Eren let it go. For now. Later that night Eren had to make sure to ask about the necklace, too. Surely Levi had it in his room somewhere.His lover spoke softly into the night air, talking about his day. “I’m so tired, baby. Work was exhausting. People just… don’t want to make things easy for themselves, do they?”It was a rhetorical question, but Eren wanted to answer anyway. It was the first real thing he had said to Levi all night. Eren muttered, “What do you mean?”They stopped walking.Levi turned, and Eren’s eyes met his. A warm, gentle smile sat across his face and he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Eren’s lips. “Oh, it’s nothing particular. How are you feeling, love?”“I got into a fight, again. With Mikasa. And my parents, too. I think.” The words left his mouth too quickly, as if his subconscious was desperate for Levi to know. “I was just so angry, Levi. I’m tired of listening to them. I don’t want to. I don’t want to care about what they think.”“Good boy,” His lover said, the nickname sending heat through Eren’s body. He leaned closer, letting his head rest on Levi’s shoulder. Eren’s arms found their way around Levi’s waist, pulling the older boy closer, desperate to feel his comforting warmth.“But I… feel kind of bad for getting into a fight with them,” Eren muttered. The words weren’t entirely accurate; there was a dull ache in his chest that weighed over him. Eren couldn’t figure out what it was, why it sat over him like a storm cloud, or when it would leave, so he assumed it was due to the argument with his mother and father.“You shouldn’t. Fight with them all you want. Tell them about how angry they make you feel, how you don’t even like them that much. You’re just being free, Eren.”Free.“I don’t feel like I’m free, yet.”“You will be, soon.”“Soon?” Eren looked up, lips apart as he gazed at Levi’s face, soaked in the pale moonlight.“As long as you keep listening to me, baby,” Levi kissed his forehead. “You’ll be free. You’ll be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want. You could go anywhere in the world; be anything you ever want to be.”“All I have to do is listen to you,” Eren said. His stomach twisted, his heart thumping hard in his chest but Eren pushed it down. He shifted his focus to the way Levi’s lips parted into a grin, his fingertips coming up to run alongside Eren’s jaw.“That’s exactly right, Eren. Listen to me. Don’t care about anything your parents say. You don’t even care about what they think.”Eren bit his lip, ignoring the rapid beating of his heart. “Father hit me again.”“That fucking bastard,” Levi said, an edge to his words despite the whisper they were spoken in. His fingertips reached up to brush the locks of hair off Eren’s forehead, his eyes unclear but narrowed and dark. “Hurting such an innocent boy like you, and for what? Expressing yourself? For refusing to bow down to what they say?”Levi leaned in, a soft kiss being pressed just below Eren’s ear. “I can make him go away. Forever. You won’t have to be hurt by them, anymore.”“I know,” Eren whispered, eyelids dropping half-closed. He sighed into the kiss Levi gave him, his grip around Levi’s waist tightening. Even in the middle of the street in the stillness of the night, Eren felt so protected, so safe being in Levi’s embrace.Levi pulled away, pressing kisses alongside his jaw. “I can make them suffer.”“S-Suffer?” Eren stuttered out, feeling his heart flip inside of him, his stomach coil.“For all the pain they’ve caused you. For every time they’ve hit you, or made you feel worthless. I’ll make them suffer. I’ll make them feel the suffering you felt.”His breath hitched in the back of his throat. Eren’s hands gripped onto Levi’s jacket, heart continuing to race as Levi kissed his neck and ran his hands through Eren’s hair.“I-I don’t- want them to suffer. I just want them to stop.”“You do. You want them to feel the same pain, as a way to pay for what they’ve done,” Levi’s voice was low, and Eren gasped as his lover began to suck on his neck, biting new hickeys into his sensitive his skin. Familiar warmth began to bloom in the pit of Eren’s stomach, and any resistance to Levi’s words began to melt away.After all, Levi said that to be free Eren had to listen to him.“Y-Yeah,” Eren stuttered out, feeling his cheeks grow hot as Levi’s hands began to move under his sweater, trailing across his bare chest. They were in the middle of the street – anyone could see – yet Eren couldn’t find the words to protest. It felt good.“If they were to get hurt, you wouldn’t even be that upset. It’s what they deserve.”Eren bit back a whine as Levi’s thigh slotted between his legs, the friction against his lower half fuelling the growing warmth inside of him.“Isn’t that right, baby?”“Yeah, y-yeah,” Eren gasped out, unsure about whether he was answering to Levi’s words or to the friction as Levi moved against him. His stomach dropped as a feeling of shame and guilt reached him at doing such a thing in a public place, but Eren rolled his hips up regardless.“It’s what they deserve.”“It’s- it’s what they deserve, L-Levi,” Eren pushed his head into the crook of Levi’s neck, hands reaching up to grip on Levi’s shoulders. “N-Not here. Anyone could- could see us.”“Wouldn’t that be so thrilling?” Levi nipped at his ear and Eren could hear the smirk in his words. Yet his hands pulled out from underneath Eren’s shirt, instead resting on his lower back. A small laugh left Eren’s lips – he wasn’t sure if thrilling would be the right word – but being with Levi in public, even if it was in the safety of the midnight hours, did make his heart race, and it felt so damn wonderful. “Let’s go, my love. Want some alcohol?”Eren grinned, lifting his head to kiss his lover’s cheek. “Is-Is that even a question?”At the back of his mind Eren vaguely remembered having to ask Levi about something else, about something he left or lost, but whatever it was Eren figured it wasn’t that important. Levi was here, and he wanted to soak in his presence and remember every second. Together the lovers walked hand in hand, Levi swinging his arm, a large grin etched into his features. Eren barely paid attention to his surroundings, too entranced by Levi’s breath-taking smile, his soft features, the way his hand felt so fitting in Eren’s own.His gaze drifted down Levi’s neck to where faded hickeys bruised the skin. It continued further, admiring his slight curves, his built frame, his – and not in a million years did Eren think he would ever admire something like this – but his ass, and all Eren wanted to do was to press his body up against Levi. To feel the warmth beneath him, the hard, solid body, to remind him that Levi was real, that Levi was not leaving him that Levi would keep Eren safe.It seemed that more often these days Eren craved Levi. The same, familiar but foreign feeling came back to him – it prickled beneath his skin, making his heart beat a little faster, his cheeks blush deep, his fingertips tingle from Levi’s gentle touch. It made him unable to think of anything else, filling his head with thoughts of Levi and Levi only.When Levi came to a stop in front of an unknown stop, Eren almost slammed into him, too busy focused on studying his boyfriend’s physique to realise they were no longer moving.“We’ll get some alcohol from here,” Levi said, nodding into the direction of the store. There were no lights on inside, and the window blinds had been pulled shut and door closed. A large sign swayed softly in the night wind – Local Liquor.“I think it’s closed,” Eren tilted his head to the side, standing beside Levi so that their arms touched. In the reflection of the glass window he could see themselves in the street, illuminated by the moonlight. Eren smiled softly, leaning his head on Levi’s shoulder, burning the image of them together into his memories.“And?” Levi turned to him. “I can pick a lock in under a minute.”Eren’s brows furrowed. “But- But nobody’s here. We can’t buy anything.”“We’re not buying anything, love.”“Then what are we doing?” Eren said, voice falling to a whisper as if anybody could hear them. He didn’t understand it, nor did he understand why Levi’s lips twisted up into a smirk.“So innocent, baby. It’s cute,” Levi pressed a kiss to Eren’s blushing cheek.“Levi,” Eren drawled out his lover’s name, childishly rocking on his feet. A pout formed on his lips and he leaned his chin on Levi’s shoulder, gazing directly at his lover. “I don’t get it.”“I’ll pick the lock, we’ll go inside, and you pick something that catches your eye.”Levi took a step forward, pulling out what looked like a crooked, thin piece of metal from the pocket of his leather jacket. He slightly crouched in front of the door, shoving the metal into the crack of the lock – similar to what he had done to Eren’s father’s study – and twisted it around for a few moments. Eren remained still in the middle of the street, dumbfounded.When the lock clicked open and the door was pushed back with a creek, Levi turned back around. He gestured for Eren to come forward, winking at him. It made his heart skip.“How are we going to pay, if nobody is here?” Eren whispered as he stepped inside, squinting in the darkness. Pale light from the moon filtered in through the open door, dancing off the shelves full of glass bottles, but it was barely enough to see a few steps in front of him.“We won’t.”Eren stopped in his steps. His hand fell from where his fingertips had trailed over an oddly-shaped glass, and he turned around after a moment’s hesitation. In the darkness Eren could barely see Levi leaning against the counter, the moonlight just enough to make out the deep smirk written into his features. Arms had been crossed over his chest, an eyebrow slightly raised and it made Eren’s lips part in awe. He’s so handsome.Mentally shaking his head at his distracted thoughts, Eren sucked in a deep breath, gaze falling to the ground beneath them. From the outside breeze, a few isolated leaves had whirled inside, laying on the floor in the light of the doorway.“Levi, we can’t- can’t steal things. That’s illegal, and a sin.”“Drinking alcohol underage is also illegal. And, probably a sin – though, I honestly don’t keep up with all of those things. Yet you still did it,” Levi pushed himself off the counter, taking a stride over towards Eren.His mouth ran dry as Eren fumbled over his sounds. That was different, he wanted to say, but he knew in reality it really wasn’t. Yet his mouth fell closed when Levi stopped right in front of him, raising a single finger to Eren’s lips with a soft, shush, sound.“Kissing me is illegal. And a very, very bad sin, isn’t it?”A gasp that left him was muffled as Levi leaned forward, kissing Eren gently. It was short, sweet, with his hands coming up to hold Eren’s jaw.“And yet you still do it,” Levi continued.He let his eyes flutter closed as Levi kissed him once more.“Do you pray, every time you come home? Ask your God – no, beg your God to forgive you? Do you ever wonder if he watches us as we kiss?” Levi whispered, words thick with an accent, his voice having dropped. Eren’s skin burned; it felt humiliating, and yet he shuddered under Levi’s touch, pressing himself up closer to his lover. Levi’s hands trailed down Eren’s sides, moving around to rest on his lower back. “So many things that you’ve prevented yourself from doing to please this almighty God. What a shame.”“A-Ah, Levi,” Eren stuttered, ignoring Levi’s words and the way it made his insides coil with guilt. “But- But they worked hard for their-”“The man who owns this owns six other stores in the various districts. He probably won’t even notice that he is missing a bottle or two. He doesn’t make these, poor folks from the capitol do, and this bastard pays them shit all for it.”Levi’s arms move away from him, resting again on Eren’s shoulders. “You trust me, don’t you?”Eren sighed, licking his lips as he gazed at his lover. “Yes. Always.”“Steal one of the bottles. Whatever you like – vodka, tequila, whiskey – and let’s go somewhere pretty, and enjoy ourselves. Stop caring about what this stupid God will think.”Eren’s eyebrows furrow. “He- God isn’t stupid.”“Then why doesn’t he want you to have fun? To feel pleasure? To be free?” Levi scoffed. He rolled his eyes before his features soften, his hand reaching up to brush the locks of hair out of Eren’s eyes. “Just do it, Eren. You want to be free, don’t you?”
Free.
He nodded.“What do you feel like having, baby?” Levi said, leaning forward to press another kiss to Eren’s cheek. He sighed, head turning to glance over the darkened store. Guilt twisted around him, weighing down on his chest. But nonetheless Eren lifted a finger, pointing at a strange green bottle on the corner. Levi said to trust him. If Eren wanted to be free, he had to do this.Besides… Eren could always pray to be forgiven. His God was forgiving. It’ll be okay.A whistle slipped past Levi’s lips as he strolled over to the other shelf, picking up one of the bottle in his hands. “Strawberry vodka. A classic. Good choice, Eren.”The praise left his heart racing. Eren was drunk.They’d walked out to the farming fields, with the town behind them and the looming, thick forest above them. In the quiet night they could hear the water of the river distantly to their right, hearing the waves ripple and crash against the bank. The fields were different to the last time Eren had been there – the crops of corn and wheat were near fully grown, rising up beside them alongside the path. The full moon casted over them, lighting their way as they drunkenly stumbled along.Only a few minutes after they had left the store did Levi offer Eren the first sip. He’d taken an entire mouthful, and then another, and then another, remembering the numbing feeling alcohol gave him and craving it desperately. Levi didn’t have nearly as much. By the time they’d gone down the steps to the fields from the city streets Eren’s world already spun.He laid down on the gravel, weeded path, laying his head up to the sky. It seemed to move and swirl, faster than Eren had ever seen before. “Look at all the stars, Levi,” Eren said, pointing a finger at the night above. “It so… so pretty, huh?”There’s a crunching, gravelling sound as Levi laid down beside him, resting his chin on Eren’s chest. “Not as pretty as you, my love.”Blush rose to Eren’s cheeks. He always blushed so hard around Levi – it seemed that the smallest compliments sent his heart racing, his skin tingling.One hand rose up to run through Levi’s soft hair and his undercut, the other moved to rest around his boyfriend’s waist, pulling him closer. There’s a feeling of love, of gratitude, of thankfulness that settled right down to his bones. Without Levi, Eren had no idea what he would do. At this point, Levi was such an important part of Eren’s life, deeply ingrained into his every thought and action that he’d fall apart without Levi holding him together. Levi helped Eren accept himself, helped him be free, helped him mourn and move on from what had happened last week; it’d only been days but as long as Eren kept himself focused on Levi he felt fine, whereas his father had originally told him it could take months to recover.“What you thinking about?” Levi mumbled, interrupting Eren’s thoughts.His eyes were half-lidded as he gazed up at the sky, a small smile curled on his lips. Eren breathed in deeply, appreciating Levi’s warmth against him.Up above there was blackness, mixed in gently with hues of a deep blue and faint, lighter purples as the stars twinkled in with what Armin had always told him were galaxies, far, far away from their own Earth. Eren never quite understood how galaxies came to be – they were never mentioned in the Bible, in the story of Creation. But Armin had told him that it must have been left out, for scientists said that they existed.Eren’s father said scientists were liars.“Do you think scientists lie?” Eren said as the question crossed his mind.“No. Hanji loves science, and anything weird she says about it always turns out true.”“But God lies. And my parents.”“Mhm,” Levi hummed, stretching his neck to fixate on Eren. “They do.”“Can I have some more of the drink?” Eren asked, pushing himself up with his elbows, forcing Levi to sit up in the process. He nodded in the direction of the bottle, laying on the gravel a few feet away from them. Another smirk curled Levi’s lips, one that Eren adored, as he reached over and handed Eren the bottle. Unscrewing the lid Eren drunk down mouthfuls, feeling the liquid burn as it slid down his throat, but being able to taste the slight tinge of strawberries under the liquor.“T-Thanks,” Eren gave it back to Levi, who only took one sip before letting it lay back down. They returned to their previous positions, this time with Eren laying on Levi’s chest.“Have you heard anything new?” Levi said. Eren shook his head, knowing even without it being spoken that Levi was referring to the Ackerman Gang.“M-Maybe I can look in- in the study,” He hiccupped, closing his eyes as the alcohol started to once again seep into his blood, fading his thoughts. “Maybe they sent letters again.”“Really?” Levi quirked a brow, his fingertips coming up to trail Eren’s jawline, thumb gently swiping over his lips before returning to resting on Eren’s head. “That’d make me so happy, baby. Try doing it when everyone is asleep. You can spend more time, then.”“S-Should we do it- it tonight? Levi?” Eren said, arching his neck. His lips part into a grin, “Then we can spend so much more time together!”His lover’s expression is blank; but not harsh, or judgemental, like Mikasa’s was. After a moment of pause, a smirk etched itself onto his face. “As long as you’re not too loud.”“I never!” Eren gasped before he giggled, moving up to cup Levi’s face in his hands as he begins to straddle him. “I don’t- don’t want us getting caught.”“Will you even be able to stay up that late?” Levi chuckled, stretching his neck to give him kiss him deeply. Eren melted into it, letting his chest lay flat against Levi’s, his heart swell and flip as the steady beat increased with each passing second.The alcohol had definitely clouded his thoughts – Eren couldn’t really focus on anything, and even with his eyes closed and laying on top of Levi it still felt as if he was falling, spinning and about to crash down into the harsh ground. He let Levi bit his lip, his lover’s hand becoming entangled in his hair as one trails down his back, resting in the curve of his spine. Levi’s tongue slid over his as the familiar heat rose in the pit of Eren’s stomach.When they pull away their cheeks are flushed pink, small gasps of air leaving them as they try to regain what they lost. Eren was the first to smile, his thumb gently brushing Levi’s cheek.“I’ll stay up that late for you.”“Are you sure about that?” Levi mumbled, but there was no edge to his words, no sarcasm pushing him on. It was spoken softly, his eyes half-lidded as they locked with Eren’s.“Yeah,” Eren said, a small smile on his lips as he spoke. “I’d do anything for you.”“Anything?”“Anything. You’re my entire world, Levi. I’d do whatever you asked to make you happy.”“Good boy,” Levi mumbled, “You shouldn’t worry about making others happy. I’m the most important thing in your life, remember?”Eren nodded, still smiling, his head in a daze as his heart swelled twice its size at Levi’s words. Whilst Eren loved his God and his family, he couldn’t deny that Levi was perhaps, in some way, a little bit more important. After all, they were boyfriends. They were going to be together forever – just like Levi promised him – and so, it made sense that Levi would be more important than anything else in Eren’s life. Right?Even if Levi never said it Eren knew that he must have felt the same about him; after all, Levi always helped Eren when he was hurt, and told him the truth. He kissed him, made him feel loved and safe and desired. He helped him feel free, helped Eren see through the lies of his mother and father and his God. The thoughts running through his head and the soft, delicate smile on Levi’s face made the unknown, but ever-so-familiar feeling rush back to him; it felt like his heart was going to burst as his mind could only focus on one thing: Levi.“You’re the most important thing in my life,” Eren repeated.Even in the dim moonlight, he could see the way Levi’s blush deepened. In the early hours of the morning, after spending the time before laying in the path between the fields, kissing and drinking and talking until their voices were raw, Eren arrived home.Yet, this time, just as he said he would, Eren was wide awake. He still let Levi carry him, for Eren was a bit too drunk to walk in a straight line, and he always wanted to be awake when his lover would carry him home. When Levi had offered Eren had shook his head, said he was too heavy, but then Levi picked him up regardless. They’d walked home with one of Levi’s arms under his knees, the other on his back, and Eren’s arms wrapped around Levi’s neck.The blush burned his cheeks. Levi was strong – Eren already knew that – yet being carried by him made his heart grow, his cheeks redden, his heart pace. Maybe being carried by a strong, handsome boy was something that Eren had always secretly wished for, and when his dreams came true that was why he’d been unable to hide his smile the entire way home.Walking through the door, Eren bit his lip to stop himself from giggling. In his drunken mind all he felt like doing was kissing Levi till they were breathless, taking his lover up to his bedroom and then touching each other all over until the pleasure overwhelmed them.Of course, Eren couldn’t do that. Not at this moment.Eren’s entire world spun. Feeling like he was about to fall over, he clutched himself closer to Levi, hiding his face in the crook of his neck. Levi wrapped his arm around Eren’s shoulders, letting him lean into the older boy as they ascended the stairs. They kept to the side of the stairs – not the middle – to avoid making any creaking sounds. At the top of the stairs, Levi was quick to pull out the strange crooked piece of metal that he had used early in the evening at the liquor store. He twisted it into the lock of the study, and gently pushed it open as to avoid it croaking.Once inside, Levi shut the door.“Why’d’ close it?” Eren mumbled, swaying on his two feet.“So if they wake up they won’t see it’s open,” Levi whispered. He put the piece of metal in the pocket, before shifting around to behind Eren. Two hands were placed on Eren’s shoulders, holding him steady as Levi guided Eren towards his father’s desk chair.“Sit down, baby. I don’t want you falling and hurting yourself.”Levi pulled out his father’s chair as they rounded the oak desk, and Eren obeyed him. He let his head lean back into the soft fabric, his eyes barely keeping themselves open as he watched his beloved move around the room. The world still spun, his head had begun to ache a little and sleep was calling out to him in it’s sweet, entrancing voice.But Eren forced himself to stay awake, continuing to pinch his arm as the minutes ticked by in order to stay awake. He didn’t want to fall asleep whilst Levi was still here.“Do you see anything?” Eren whispered.Levi shook his head.For the next ten or twenty minutes Levi checked the bookshelves, opening large files, flicking through them before slotting them back into place. He went over to the desk, looking at the various papers with furrowed brows before returning back to the bookshelves. Eren continued to stay awake, his arm now bright red with pinch marks.His eyes had fluttered closed, the desire to sleep overwhelming him when he heard his lover say a quiet, “Bingo.”In an instant Eren was awake again, sitting upright in his chair, staring at Levi in the corner of his room. There were papers in his hand, aged and worn down, pulled out from a thin blue file that had been placed on the floor. Levi’s lips were twisted into a smile.“What is it?” Eren asked, leaning further forward.Levi stepped towards him, eyes still focused on the papers. When he reached the desk, his eyes flickered up towards Eren’s, his smile deepening into a smirk.“Oh, it’s just a letter from the mayor to your father, confirming that he’s loaning him a hundred and fourteen million yen.”Eren gaped, eyes going comically wide. He gripped the edge of the desk, falling silent as he struggled to speak. “A-A hundred and fourteen million yen?”“And,” Levi continued, reading off the paper, “Saying that’s he’s deported several heathen families, just like your father wanted to.”All Eren could do was blink, his heart pounding hard in his chest but his body stiff as stone. He knew his parent’s didn’t like heathens – they didn’t believe in the Lord, after all – but why would his father want to deport them from Shiganshina? Did they do something wrong? As far as Eren knew, it wasn’t illegal to not believe in God.
And the money…
“Is the money for the clinic?” Eren whispered.“Nope.” Levi placed the paper on the desk, twisting it around and flicking it in Eren’s direction so he could see it. The edges were a little torn, browned from age. The mayor’s writing was scribbled and Eren could barely understand it except for the visible date at the bottom.
19th of August, 1824.
“It’s… eighteen-forty-six,” Eren muttered, “Eighteen-twenty-four was… seven years before I was even born. Why- I- I’m so confused? What- What does this have to do with the Ackermans, Levi? Maybe… maybe it’s just some weird letter.”“Eren. Why would your father want a hundred and fourteen million yen? Why is he asking the mayor to deport heathen families? Your father isn’t a politician. He’s just a pastor, and a doctor,” Levi whispered, leaning over the desk. “Aren’t you curious?”Eren bit his lip. “Maybe.”“Your house doesn’t cost a hundred and fourteen million yen. Maybe around thirty or forty million since you’re in the northern community, but nowhere near that much. A hundred and fourteen million yen…” Levi clicked his tongue. “Could do a lot of things with that kind of money. Bribe people, manipulate people, threaten people.”“My father wouldn’t do those things,” Eren said, putting the paper down.“Are you sure?” Levi glanced at him. “He’s lied to you your entire life.”“But-”“Do you know where heathens go, Eren? When they get cast out of the cities, sent away? They put them in asylums,” Levi muttered. “Because the Church, for decades, spread this belief that if you don’t believe in God you are sick. They used to put people like us in there, too. A lot still do. Only some go to clinics like the one your father wants to build.”Cold water splashed over him. Shivers tingled his skin. Eren felt frozen, unable to move.“Did nobody ever tell you that?” Levi whispered. He stood up right, snaking around the desk to stand over Eren. Crouching beside where Eren sat, one hand ran through his hair whilst the other lifted his chin, coxing Eren to meet Levi’s gaze. There was a soft smile curled across his features, his head tilted slightly to the side as one thumb brushed over Eren’s lips.Eren shook his head as an answer to Levi’s question.“I wonder what all that money was for,” Levi hummed to himself, leaning forward to press another kiss to Eren’s lips. “Well, maybe it’s time for you to go to bed, love. You look so sleepy. I don’t want you feeling tired tomorrow at school.”“Y-Yeah,” Eren muttered.Levi held him up as they walked out of the study, holding onto his lover as the papers were put away. Levi relocked the door behind them, guiding Eren back over to his bedroom as the world around him swayed, and tucked Eren underneath the red duvet. The room was dark, the moonlight shining in just enough to illuminate Levi’s face.“I can see you on Sunday? At night, of course,” Levi said, brushing the locks of hair out of Eren’s eyes and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Take you to the café, again, if you’d like.”“I’d love that,” Eren sighed. “Please stay with me. Until I fall asleep.”Levi simply smiled, letting Eren wiggle over in the bed before sliding in under the covers next to him. His body was warm and firm, and Eren found comfort in curling up beside him, gripping onto his shirt tightly and taking in the faint smell of vanilla that always lingered on Levi’s skin. Everything still spun as he laid in bed. Tomorrow his head would be pounding and the dark circles under his eyes would be ever-so prominent, but Eren didn’t mind. To be with Levi made it all worth it.As he drifted off to sleep, thoughts about the strange letter from twenty years ago was at the back of his mind. All Eren could focus on was Levi, and as far as he knew that was all he really needed to focus on, anyway.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Eren awoke next morning, it felt as if concrete had been poured over his body. Levi no longer slept soundly beside him. Each ticking second sent a throbbing, pounding wack against his skull, a punishment for staying up till the early hour of the morning and drinking so much strawberry vodka that Eren couldn’t even walk. Sunlight poured in through his curtains, illuminating his room; but with as much strength as Eren could muster he pulled himself up in his bed and rammed them closed.Blinking his eyes in the dimmed light, Eren’s gaze fell on his side table. His lips curled up into a smile at seeing the familiar note and Levi’s curved handwriting. Picking up the piece of paper, he ignored the faint noises of his family’s voices downstairs and skimmed over the letter.
It pains me to have to leave you. I wish I could be by your side as you awake, my love.
Drink plenty of water when you do awake. It’ll help with your headache. I hope your week goes well, Eren. I’ll be thinking of you every moment until we see each other again – will you be thinking of me, too?
“Always,” Eren muttered aloud to himself, biting back a grin.
Your parents are so awful. They deserve to suffer for all that they have done towards you. I couldn’t help but notice your hands as you slept. You’re always injuring them, my love. If you still have that cream Erwin gave you, keep rubbing it on your palms. It’ll help the wounds heal.
If you’ll let me, I’d make sure they’d never hurt you again. I’ll make them feel all the pain that they’ve ever given to you. All you ever have to do is ask. I’ll make all your worries go away, Eren.
Before we see each other again, do me a favour. Ask your father about the Ackerman family. I want to see how he reacts. Tell me everything he says. Try to make him speak as much as he can, my love. You’ll make me so proud if you do that for me. Don’t you want to make me happy?
I can see you on Sunday, at the town square. Until we meet again,
Love, Levi.
An increasingly familiar twist was felt in his stomach; his heart slowing as he read the last few paragraphs of Levi’s letter, over and over, speaking the words out loud under his breath. Pulling the red blanket up to his knees, Eren leaned against the headboard of his bed, eyes skimming once more across the lined paper. One hand absentmindedly traced the bandaged wounds on the other, as the letter rested against his knees. He’d never asked his father directly about the Ackerman family. In fact, outside of accidentally hearing them speak, and sneaking into the study, last Friday was the first time in Eren’s life that he’d heard someone mention the Ackermans.
Last Friday.
Images of deep red, scattered memories of cracked bone and the shattering sound of wine glasses fracturing against the ground flashed through his head.Breathing in deeply, Eren brought Levi to the front of his mind again; focusing on his lover’s smile and touch, letting Levi calm him, letting Levi shift his focus away from what happened.“Eren! Breakfast is ready!” His mother’s voice boomed from downstairs. It surprised Eren that she talked to him; after what happened last night, he assumed that he would be ignored once more.Pulling himself out of bed, Eren slipped the letter into his side drawer before trudging himself downstairs. Even with the sun beaming down on the city, the house still felt cold, and he thanked himself for leaving his socks on as he made his way to the dining table and took his seat.Nobody glanced at him when he sat down. His father’s head was shoved into the morning newspaper, a hot steaming cup of coffee by his side. Mikasa pushed eggs and roasted vegetables around on her plate, eating them slowly and delicately – like a lady, his mother would say, - as his mother placed a plate in front of him. There was no warm smile rested on her face. But it didn’t bother Eren that much; Levi had told him not to worry about what his mother and father thought.
He also said he’d make them suffer for everything they have done to you.
Wouldn’t you want that?
Warmth reached the pit of his stomach as Eren took a few sips of his own cup of coffee, closing his eyes and relaxing back further into his seat. He wasn’t quite sure exactly what to ask his father. There was no telling if his father would say anything at all. As Eren grew older, as he grew more free, he had come to realise that his father and mother held many, many secrets.“Father,” Eren asked, swallowing a mouthful of food. His father put down the newspaper, raising a brow at him in a silent answer. Ignoring the quickening pace of his heart and the rapid tightening of his throat, Eren continued: “Do you know anything about… about… about the Ackerman family?”Slam.The rough sound of a mug hitting the wooden table hard behind him made Eren flinch, his hands flying up to his ears, his eyes scrunching close as he expected for and waited for the screams.There was nothing.“Why would you ask such a thing?” His mother spoke, voice sickly sweet. Shifting his gaze to her and lowering his hands, the whiteness of her knuckles as they gripped the mug caught Eren’s attention, and the tension in her jaw as she clenched it shut.Gulping, he shrugged. “J-Just curious.”“They’re a horrid family. Full of sinners and heathens,” She spat, shaking her head. A crease formed between her brows as her face twisted into a deep, fowl frown.“What would you like to know?”Eren twisted back around his seat. His father stared down at him, a finger gently pushing up the bridge of his glasses before he rested his forearms on the table. Unlike Eren’s mother – expression conveying her every emotion – Eren’s father seemed calm, and bleak.“A-Anything,” Eren said.
Anything for Levi.
“They’re a gang, Eren. Been around in Shiganshina for a long time, though we managed to get rid of a lot of them. They’ve… come back in recent years, however,” His father spoke with a sigh, taking another slow sip of coffee. “But, hopefully they’ll be gone again soon. Nothing to worry about.”Under the table, Eren fumbled with his fingers, hiding his jittering anxiety. “How did you get rid of them? Did- Did they go to jail, or something?”“Perhaps you could call it that.”“Were they a big family? Was there a lot of them?” The words slipped past his lips.“Not all of them are blood related, Eren,” His father said. “As far as we know, there’s the main Ackermans. The true, real ones, with Ackerman blood in their veins and heritage. Then there’s others. They’re not Ackerman by blood, but… but by choice, I suppose. They choose to join the gang, to be referred to as an Ackerman. Quite odd, I find it.”Eren jittered his leg under the table, biting his lip as his head swum with thousands of fractured thoughts; he’d simply assumed that the Ackermans were one, big family. Had Levi assumed that, too? He didn’t understand why anyone would want to join a gang, or how that would even work. Did they get paid? Was it similar to a job, where they each had duties given to them by some sort of boss?Ask another question. This isn’t enough for Levi, his mind whispered at him, edging him to press his father further. Eren needed to know more – he needed to make Levi happy.“How… are- are you going to get rid of them again?”There was a pause, a thick silence that fell over them and choked the air out of Eren’s lungs. He grew restless; his fingers fumbling with one another, his foot tapping against the wooden floor beneath him. Out of the corner of his down-casted gaze he could see his mother’s ridged expression and the way Mikasa placed her utensils against the porcelain plate, as if wanting to shift her full focus onto Eren.Once more his father raised a brow, slightly tilting his head to the side. “Why do you ask?”“I… I…” Eren fumbled over his words. “I’m curious.”“Hmm,” The man hummed, gaze skimming over his son before he continued. “Well. We need to find out where they are staying, first of all. We’ve been talking to some people who are suspected to have… used their services.”“Services?”“They’re criminals, Eren,” His father said. He took another sip of his coffee, and cleared his throat. “They’re the ones that… well, did those things last week. Kidnappings, murder, theft – nothing is off their table, if you have enough money.”“Do you think someone paid to- to- to take Annie’s father-”His father cut him off, waving a dismissing hand as he shook his head. “No, Eren. That most certainly was their own doing. But, alas, back to your question. We’re investigating quite a few people. So far, not much has come out of it, but we do suspect that there is some sort of café on the southern side of town that they use as a base.”A shiver shot down his spine. Eren gulped, feeling his cheeks grow hot. “Some… sort of café?”“Well, allegedly that’s what it is.”Eren’s throat went dry, his stomach twisting into knots for a reason unknown to him. Shifting in his seat, he decided to change the question. “What… will you do to them once you find them?”Another slow sip of coffee was taken. His father’s voice was low, words spoken slow and precise as he said: “You’re asking a lot of questions.”“Ha,” Eren breathed out, recognising the underlying frustration in his father’s words. Under the table, his hands shook. “That’s- That’s the last one. I promise.”His father sighed deep, before letting the mug rest against the table once more. When he spoke again, his eyes were locked with Eren’s, and his face was as bleak and calm as it was before. “They’ll be taken away. Away from Shiganshina, like they were before they decided to come crawling back. But it’ll be different this time, and they will stay out of town. Nobody will have to worry about them ever again.”“Away?” Eren spoke, unable to stop himself. “Away to where?”“That’s enough questions, Eren,” His mother said, a harshness to her tone. Twisting back around in his seat, Eren’s gaze fell on hers. She sat upright and stiff in her seat, her hands still gripping the coffee mug in front of her. Beside her, Mikasa stood just as stiff, her jaw clenched.Eren furrowed. In a whisper, he asked, “Mikasa, why are you so-”“Finish your breakfast,” His mother interrupted. Nodding her head in the direction of his plate, she continued. “It’s going cold. No more questions.”The sickening feeling in his stomach grew.
What are you hiding?
At lunch, Eren decided to talk to Armin.Pulling his best friend by his arm they left the classroom, sneaking around the back of the brick building in order to be far away from Mikasa, or anyone else that could hear their conversation.Eren’s stomach twisted. His heart pounded, and his skin grew hot, but there was an itching feeling lingering on his skin – he needed to talk to someone. Levi wasn’t here, and it’d be suspicious to ask Erwin, so Armin was Eren’s other choice. He would of asked Historia, but her being the daughter of the mayor and one of his father’s closest friends made it difficult.Anything about Levi would be concealed from Armin. Eren wouldn’t tell him that. But his parent’s behaviour – and Mikasa’s – left Eren feeling… odd. Different. As if they all were hiding secrets from him, not just his mother and father.“What’s going on?” Armin’s words were spoken in a harsh whisper as he gripped onto Eren’s shoulders, eyebrows furrowed into a frown. “Eren? You- You look worried. Tell me what’s going on.”“I think my parents… and Mikasa. I think they’re all hiding something from me,” Eren breathed out, leaning against the brick wall and tilting his head up to the sky. Contrasting from this morning, deep storm clouds had now rolled over the sky, leaving them in dim light.Armin stood next to him. “Why? What do you mean?”“I asked them about the Ackerman gang. I mean, I knew they’d act a bit weird. But they were all so quiet, and Mikasa – Mikasa looked so stiff that it was as if she’d sat in concrete. It was… odd.”“The Ackerman gang?” Armin peered at him.“Ah, shit, sorry,” Eren turned his head to the side, briefly catching the quick flash of surprise in Armin’s expression at the language he used. Ignoring it, Eren continued. “I forgot you didn’t come to the mayor’s ball. I guess you didn’t know what- what- Bertholdt was talking about.”“It wasn’t that we didn’t want to go. Our family wasn’t invited.”His heart dropped in his chest. Biting his lip, Eren breathed out a quiet apology. After being friends with Armin for years, he’d forgotten that there was still a social divide between them. Armin’s grandfather barely managed to afford food sometimes, whilst Eren’s mother splurged on all the different types of salted meats that most could only dream of having five nights a week. The mayor’s ball was only for the upper class; the haunted memories of that night had become so blurred in Eren’s head, that he had barely remembered Armin wasn’t there.“They’re a gang. In Shiganshina. Father said they’re criminals, and they’re at fault for Annie’s father going missing. I think,” Eren paused, glancing back up at the sky. It had become darker, the air around them dropping in temperature. Gusts of wind whirled around them, picking up leaves and making goose-bumps arise on Eren’s skin. “I think my father knows a lot more about them then what he would tell me. When I asked… they seemed so… odd.”“Odd?”“Mikasa looked like she had seen a ghost,” Eren said, clarifying himself. “She looked so damn stiff. I don’t understand it – why? Why would she act like that?”“Eren, you- I mean, you asked them about a gang. That’s probably why.”“Yeah, but… mother snapped at me to stop asking questions. What don’t they want me to know?” Eren huffed out, turning his attention back to Armin. His best friend’s brows were furrowed, his eyes studying Eren. The wind left his hair a mess; wisps of blond sticking up and falling into his eyes. Eren continued, “They’re hiding something. I thought they were, but I know for sure now.”“Why do you think they’re hiding something?” Armin questioned, leaning his head against the wall.“I…” Eren paused. He couldn’t tell Armin too much. The more Armin knew, the more danger that Levi would be in. Nobody could know about them. “Just… just a hunch, I suppose.”“I think you’re a little bit paranoid, Eren. Most people wouldn’t react kindly to the mention of a gang, especially one that’s… kidnapped a family friend of yours.”Eren scoffed. “I’m not paranoid. And the Leonheart’s aren’t a family friend, they’re business partners with my father.” Armin raised a brow at that. Eren continued, “My father might be giving them money so they can promote his new clinic to the soldiers.”The words slipped past his lips before he could stop them.“What the- what? Huh? You’ve- Eren,” Armin stuttered out, slowing down to stress Eren’s name, “How do you even know that? Are you sure that’s true?”Shit.“It’s true. Don’t ask me how I know," Eren lied through his teeth. He couldn't tell Armin about the letter Levi and Eren had seen in the study. It was too dangerous.“Huh? And am I meant to accept that as an answer? We’re best friends, Eren, tell me-”“Oh shut up,” Eren interrupted, ignoring the twang in his heart at the way Armin’s expressed faltered. He rolled his eyes, “Listen, I just- Armin, I do think something is wrong. They’re hiding something from me. I know it,” Eren said, kicking himself off the wall as the school bell – signalling the end of lunch –rung throughout the building. He ignored the deepening frown on Armin’s features, turning his back to his best friend.Inside of him his stomach coiled, the bitterness rising in his blood at Armin’s questions. Eren didn’t need to be questioned. After everything Levi has told him, and from what he learned last night, he knew that there was something wrong. Levi would believe Eren, even if Armin didn’t.Footsteps were heard as Armin jogged to catch up to Eren, placing his hand on his shoulder to stop the boy in his tracks. “Listen, I don’t mean to upset you, but maybe you’re just over-reacting-”“I’m not over-reacting, Armin!” Eren shouted back, feeling his fingertips twitch as the sudden anger rose up in his throat. Low, hushed whispers in his mind left his head spinning and pounding. Shoving Armin’s hand off his shoulder, Eren took a step back, his eyes falling closed as he breathed deep.
Levi wouldn’t question you.
Who fucking cares about what Armin thinks? It doesn’t matter, because Levi would believe you.
Shout at him. Do it again. Louder.
“Eren, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Armin’s voice dropped to a whisper. A brief silence fell over them before he heard the sound of weight on gravel. The wind picked up, and the first cold, delicate snowflakes melt on Eren’s burning skin.When he opened his eyes again, Armin was gone. Eren spent the days leading up to Sunday in a daze. At school, Armin kept his distance; not fully ignoring Eren, he still spoke to him when talked to. But each lunch was spent with Connie and Jean. Eren was left alone with his sister, who continued to drone on, and on, and on, about the clinic and the Lord and whatever Erwin was teaching that day. It made Eren’s head hurt. Multiple times he came close to pure frustration; his mind begging him to scream, to flip the table, to tell his sister to shut the fuck up because if she talked about church or their parents once more Eren would snap.For the entire week, Annie had not gone to school. Eren couldn’t blame her; her father was still missing. No sightings, no information, nothing at all was heard about what happened to him. In every street, on every store was a missing poster glued to it with her father’s details and a rough sketch of him.At dinners, Eren didn’t speak a word. He let his parents and Mikasa talk and kept to himself; only seeing his family members when absolutely necessary. It didn’t feel right to be around them. It didn’t feel safe. It felt odd, like a wall had been placed between them. Eren, once again, felt as if he didn’t belong in his own family. For a while there had been a distance growing between them, but only now has Eren realised it. At church, they prayed for Annie’s father. Eren muttered the words so that he would not be slapped, but his expression was nothing but bleak. The prayer felt empty. These days, each prayer Eren spoke felt empty, as if nobody was listening to them at all.He’d completely forgotten about asking Levi for the necklace. Nobody had brought it up since Thursday night, and as the hours ticked by Eren began to care less and less about its whereabouts. He’ll find it eventually. Until then, it didn’t matter that much.When the mass had ended, Eren mumbled an old excuse about going to the library to study. His mother had seemed pleased, and told him to be safe; not even questioning about what Eren was planning to study, or where his school books were.Walking through the city square, Eren smiled softly at the surrounding markets. He hadn’t been back since that day he met Levi, many months ago. Soft jazz music could be heard above the collective hum of civilians talking, and as Eren squeezed his way through the bustling crowds he could smell sweet honey and freshly baked bread. Nostalgia washed over him as he passed a stall selling apples; he could almost see Levi in front of him, shoving apples into his bag behind the store-owners back.Deciding to see what the strange boy was doing was the best thing Eren had ever done.Without meeting Levi, Eren would be hopeless. Locked away in chains of order and never able to be free, to love, to accept himself. Bertholdt’s death would have left him a wreck, if he didn’t have Levi to focus on and to guide him through it all.Seeing Levi waiting for him under the archway of the southern gate of town, Eren’s lips broke into a smile, and he began to run. His lover wore a deep, red jacket, his hair slicked back with that wonderful, ethereal smirk curled on his lips. It left Eren’s blood rushing, his heartbeat pounding ever so fast in his chest. He let himself be pulled into Levi’s arms, and sink into the comfort of feeling his lover’s hands run through his hair before resting on the curve of his back.“I want to kiss you,” Eren whispered, pushing his head into the crook of Levi’s neck. It ached not being able to be as intimate as he wanted to. But there were hundreds of people around, and Eren couldn’t risk someone noticing them and then his mother and father finding out.Levi chuckled, the heavenly sound making butterflies bloom inside of him. “That makes two of us, baby. How has your week been?”“I did what you asked me to. I asked my father about them, and- and I kept asking, even when he started getting annoyed. Just for you, Levi,” Eren said his lover’s name delicately, as if it was the most precious thing in the world, letting the sounds fall off his tongue.Levi’s hands pulled him closer around his waist. “And what did you learn, my angel?”“Father said he got rid of them before. And that he wants to do it again, but he said… this time, they’ll be sent far away, and they won’t be able to ever come back.”“Is that so?” Levi kissed his forehead. “What a cocky man, your father is.”Eren huffed. “Yeah… I tried to ask him where they’d be sent, but he didn’t tell me. Mother yelled at me before I could ask. But, there was another thing… he said that they think the gang have some sort of base at some random café. In the south-side.”Levi stiffened beneath his touch. Eren ignored it, and ignored the way his stomach coiled.“Is that all they know?” His lover whispered, lips skimming over his ear, sending shivers through Eren.He nodded. “I think so. But, I’m not sure. They were so strange, Levi. I think they’re hiding something from us.”
Us. The both of them, together. Not just me.
“Hmm? Sneaky little bastards, aren’t they?” Levi squeezed his waist, before leaning back to gaze down at Eren. The crowd still passed around them, and the jazz music still played in the streets. Eren had barely noticed it; too infatuated by Levi’s presence that everything else had droned out. Even now, Eren found it hard to think of anything else. All he wanted to do was to please Levi, to make him happy, to do anything that he ever asked.He half smiled in response. “Yeah, they are.”Eren’s smile faltered, however, at remembering Friday morning. “When I told Armin that I think they’re hiding something from me, he said I was paranoid. And over-reacting.”“Oh, my love,” Levi cooed, clicking his tongue. He looked around them at the bustling crowd, before slipping his hand into Eren’s and pulling him into the alleyway nudged between the library and southern gate. The sunlight didn't reach there, leaving the surroundings dim and the two boys out of sight from the markets.Levi gently edged Eren towards a wall and kissed him, softly and gently as his hands reach up to cup Eren’s face. Eren's knees buckle as sparks dance across his skin from the tender touch. Leaning up into him Eren gripped Levi’s waist, pulling his lover closer, craving his touch.When Levi let him go, Eren sighed. “Do you think I’m paranoid?”“Not at all. You’re right. Your parents are hiding something from you. They’ve hidden so many things from you, Eren,” Levi’s finger trailed alongside his jaw as he stared at him, smirk deep, eyes half-lidded and irises full blown. “They’ve lied to you all your life. You shouldn’t trust them.”Eren’s breath hitched. “I shouldn’t trust them?”“No. And fuck Armin for suggesting you’re paranoid. A real friend wouldn’t say that, Eren. They’d support you. Help you find out the truth.”His heart skipped. Cold pricked his skin, and butterflies in Eren’s stomach left him feeling sick.“But Armin’s my best friend, and-”“I know, I know baby,” Levi said, hushing him with a finger to his lips. “Next time, my love, don’t tell him about anything like this. If he won’t support you, he shouldn’t know.”“I- I’m sorry,” Eren breathed out, shameful tears leaving his vision blurry as he turned it to the floor. His entire chest ached, his stomach sinking at Levi’s words. You disappointed him.“Don’t apologise. You didn’t know. But now you do. Aren’t you glad that I’m here? Without me, you’d be doing all these little silly things,” Levi kissed his cheek.Eren smiled, leaning forward to rest his head against Levi’s chest. His lover’s heartbeat is steady and slow, and Eren melted into Levi’s touch when his arms snake around Eren’s waist. Together they embrace in the cold, darkened alley, hidden away from view, hidden away from peering eyes.“I’m sorry I couldn’t find out much.”“Oh, baby. You did your best. You make me so, so happy. I’m so proud. Thank you for listening to me,” Levi said, rubbing circles into his back. It made Eren’s heart swell, blush dusting his cheeks pink.He bit his lip, hesitating before he spoke again. He wanted to hear Levi say it; he wanted to be praised more, he craved it, and craved the rush it gave him at making Levi proud. In a whisper, Eren asked: “Did… did I do good?”His cheeks burn hot as he awaited Levi’s response.“Mhm, my love. You’re such a good boy for me,” Levi hummed, his voice low and sending shivers through Eren’s body. He sighed, gripping tighter onto his lover, knees buckling under the thrilling rush of Levi’s praise. Eren loved it. Nobody else in his life ever told Eren he was good.“You love making me happy, don’t you?” Levi continued. Eren nodded, unable to hold back his smile. “Love listening to everything I say, doing everything I ever ask… would you do anything for me, baby?”“Anything,” He breathed out, feeling his heartbeat continue to race, beating hard against his ribs. His fingertips shake, but Eren told himself it was because of the cold.“Do… you know if your parents keep any other documents anywhere, other than the study? I’m so curious, baby, I want to know more about what they know,” Levi nuzzled against him, his warm hands sending shivers against Eren’s skin as they move up under his shirt, exploring his back.A gasp slipped past Eren’s lips. “I- Ah, I think they keep- keep things in the church, too.”“Oh?” Without looking, Eren knew a brow was raised on Levi’s face from the sound of his voice alone.“Perhaps we should look there, Eren. See if there’s anything else we could find out.”Levi moved closer to him, their hips against one another, their body heat mixing in with each other.“If you want to, I’ll-I’ll take you there, Levi.”His lover chuckled low, moving up to bite softly underneath Eren’s jaw, drawing out another soft gasp from his lips. “Are you free tonight? Let’s go then. When nobody is around.”“O-Okay,” Eren said with a stutter. His hands move up Levi’s back, pulling him closer.“And maybe whilst we’re there,” Levi paused, slipping his knee between Eren’s legs, “We can have a little bit of fun. Will you like that?”“Ah, L-Levi,” Eren’s skin was hot. Everything was hot, and his head was spinning, and Eren can barely hear the jazz music in the background. Snowflakes fall around them but he barely noticed it, too focused on the warm of Levi’s body and the touch of his hands as they move to his front, running up his shirt. Fingers twist around Eren’s nipples, making him whine and his hips buckle up.Levi’s lips ghost over his mouth. “It’d be so damn cute to suck you off in a church.”“It’s-It’s a holy p-place.”“Ah, and that’s what makes it so fun, baby,” Levi pressed kisses to his open mouth, “I’ve missed you so much. Missed touching you, hearing all your pretty noises. Have you missed me, too?”“So much,” Eren replied without missing a beat, kissing Levi firmly, letting Levi’s tongue slip into his mouth. His whines and pants and low moans become muffled as they kiss. He ignored Levi’s previous words, and the guilt that pinched at his skin at even considering doing such a sinful thing.“If there weren’t so many people around us right now,” Levi moves to trail kisses down his neck, sucking softly and biting at the sensitive skin, “And if you weren’t so loud, I’d fuck you right here.”“F-Fuck me?” Eren repeated, not quite understanding the language.“Yeah, baby. Fill you up with my cock. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”Levi’s knee rubbed up against Eren’s hardening length and he bit back a groan, the pleasure quickly building up in the pit of his stomach. Levi’s vulgar words make his blush deepen and all Eren can do is nod, not even understanding fully what Levi meant, but knowing it must be good if he knew Eren would like it. His hands shake as they grip Levi’s red jacket, his knuckles white.Yet before anything can escalate, Levi stepped back, leaving Eren panting and leaning against the wall for support as his head spun.“Sorry,” Levi chuckled, resting his hands against the wall above Eren’s head. “Got a bit carried away.”“You… tease,” Eren breathed out, gasping slightly, the heat in his stomach slowly going down.“I know, I know,” Levi kissed his cheek, a smirk on his lips. “It’s not my fault. You’re just so damn pretty, and I only see you a few times a week. It’s not enough, baby. I want us to be together all the time.”“If only my parents would allow it,” Eren laughed softly, linking his arms around Levi’s neck and pulling his lover down for another kiss. “Then I’d stay with you forever.”He felt Levi’s breath on his neck as his lover nuzzled him again, lips ghosting over his skin. It made Eren chest ache; but not with pain, or sorrow, but love. It’s full of love so much that it almost hurt, and all Eren could do is kiss Levi’s cheeks, and neck, and forehead, and lips; again and again, desperate to ease the desire and craving and ache for Levi that left him overwhelmed.“I’ll make them go away, and then we can be together forever,” Levi whispered into the silence.Eren half-smiled, letting Levi kiss him all over, and his hands once again roam his body.“I’ll wait for you tonight. And then we can pretend that the world is just us.”“I’d kill everyone on this world to make sure it was just us,” Levi replied, sucking another hickey onto Eren’s collarbone. The words were violent in nature but spoken so softly that all Eren could do was sigh, his hands moving to grip Levi’s hair as he let his lover use him.They wouldn’t have to hide anymore, if the world was just Eren and Levi.Perhaps, that wouldn’t be so bad.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Eren left home that evening, hand in hand with Levi, heart twisting and flipping and overflowing with excitement and adoration, Eren was already praying for the night to never end.Moonlight shone down upon them, illuminating the streets. The light casted faint shadows across Levi’s face, highlighting his cheekbones with darkness lined underneath his eyes, showing how sunken in they truly were. Eren never thought he would find the deep circles under anyone’s eyes appealing – he hated how they looked on himself – but this was Levi. By now, Eren was certain that he’d always find Levi attractive. He could be covered in blood and Eren would still be overwhelmed with the desire to kiss his lips and press himself up against Levi’s body.Over the past few weeks, Eren had found himself thinking about Levi more often. It had reached a point that he had no clue what Erwin was teaching in class – the school hours were all spent fantasising about Levi, his lover’s voice and tender touch. Not that it was a bad thing, however, for Erwin gave Eren the best grades in the class regardless of how bad he performed on exams.Sometimes, Levi would be all Eren could think about. His chest would ache, his body would grow hot and all Eren could do was touch himself in his room alone to the thought of Levi, and pray that nobody could hear the muffled moans and whines and that nobody was watching through the breezy curtains. It’d relieve the pressure that sat on him, but only for a little while, until it came back in full force and Eren would find himself thinking solely of Levi once more.Was it obsession, the feeling that overwhelmed him?Did Levi felt that way about Eren, too?Caught up in his thoughts, Eren blindly stepped beside Levi. He’d dazed out, not focusing on where they were going at all, but trusting his lover nonetheless. When they reached the hill that the church sat upon, it loomed over them, blocking out the moon above.From the outside, the church was old. Its roof curved into a point, the once cream-coloured bricks now a dulling grey. It was made out of white stone, with stained-glass windows that depicted scenes from the Holy Bible on each side of the rectangular building. Flowering shrubs lined the outside, and a gravel path led them all the way up to large, heavy oak doors. Plastered on the doors was a poster of the church’s opening hours, as well as a missing poster for Mr Leonhart.It had been a week since the incident. Nobody had heard about him.“Levi,” Eren whispered into darkness, following close behind his lover as the other boy fiddled with the lock on the doors. Knowing Levi couldn’t see him, yet Eren still nodded in the direction of the missing poster. “Do you think he’s okay?”“Who?”“Annie’s father.”Eren’s stomach twisted at the silence that followed, his heartbeat picking up and skin giving rise to goose-bumps in the late autumn air. There is only the sound of the faint wind, and the clicking and clanking sound as Levi wiggled one of the strange pieces of metal into the heavy lock.“I don’t really care,” Levi said, before twisting his wrist and letting the lock fall open. It swung to the ground, the chains on the door coming loose before Levi kicked it open. “It’s his fault for getting involved in something that he shouldn’t have.”Eren gulped. “Do… you mean him investigating the Ackermans?” Eren said their name as if it was the name of ghosts; falling off his tongue in a harsh whisper.Levi glanced over his shoulder. A smirk was twisted onto his lips. “Exactly, my love.”Stepping forward, Eren took the hand that Levi extended out towards him. They walk through the heavy doors into the darkness of the church, with only the light of the moon shining through coloured glass to guide their way. His fingertips tremble with every step down the aisle, his eyes glancing outwards to the rows of wooden benches on each side.“Do you think he’s dead?”
Bertholdt’s head splitting open. The deep red blood, the taste of metallic copper. Shattered glass, shattered screams. Annie’s begs, and the gaping, bleeding wound in her arm.
“Yes.”He almost hunched over, knees buckling between a sudden heavy weight as an undecipherable feeling wrapped around Eren’s throat, choking the air out of him.But Levi kept walking forward, and so Eren pushed himself to follow.
Don’t focus on it. Focus on him.
They reach the front of the church. The lectern that his father had stood behind hundreds of times stood tall on the elevated stage. Behind it were unlit candles on a bench, and above loomed the carved marble statue of the Lord’s son, pinned to the cross, the statue itself balancing on a small ledge in the middle of the wall. On either side were two glass windows, the moonlight shining in on them.At the sight of the statue, Eren’s heart twisted.
I’ll pray. It’ll be fine. I’ll be forgiven.
Absentmindedly he reached for his necklace, seeking comfort in his faith at the actions he was about to undertake, only to find it not around his neck. He’d forgotten that it was lost.“Where does your father keep those papers, Eren?” Levi said, glancing around the room.“O-Over there, in the- the back room,” His words were spoken with a tremor, Eren not meeting Levi’s eyes as he pointed to the wooden door on the right side of the church. Every second his heartbeat grew faster for a reason unknown; but Eren repeated in his head that it was because of the news that Annie’s father might be dead. There was no other reason. There couldn’t be.The last time he had been inside the back room, his father had yelled at him for being so distant from his faith, and told him that he was responsible for upholding the Jaeger name. It had been a few weeks after he’d first met Levi, back in early October. Now, it was days away from winter.If his father knew what Eren was doing, and what he had done, he’d be ashamed.“Thank you, baby,” Levi leaned over, kissing Eren’s cheek. Pulling back, his eyes scan over Eren’s face and his lips tug down at the stiffness in Eren’s features. “Don’t be so afraid. Nobody will hurt you.”“This is a holy place,” Eren breathed out, looking away from Levi to the marble statue above.Guilt – that was the feeling that left him breathless, that caused the tremor in his fingertips. Guilt.“And?”“All of this…” Eren gestures with his hand, the other one still clasped in Levi’s. His voice echoed throughout the silent church. “Is sin.”Levi sighed, a small ah leaving his lips. He stepped a little closer, his arms wrapping around Eren’s waist and pulling him towards his chest. A hand reached up to run through Eren’s locks, the sensation ever so comforting. Eren didn’t need to see his lover to know that his head had turned, gaze locked at the same marble statue.“Do you think he is watching us?” Levi whispered, tone deep. There was no need to define who he was; Eren knew it instantly. It made Eren’s heart flip.“Most certainly.”“And, do you think…” A hand moved from his waist, slipping under Eren’s jumper. Fingertips are cool against his back, tracing up his skin, making him shiver. A gasp slipped past Eren’s lips but Levi continued. “That he is disgusted in us?”Eren’s eyes flickered closed, his lips pressed into a thin line as the familiar sensation of tears pooled up. His throat ached, as if raw and strained. Wrapping his arms around Levi, Eren gripped onto his lover’s shirt, a shaking breath falling past his lips. He nodded, unable to speak.Earlier Eren had told himself that he could pray for forgiveness. But when was the last time he prayed? When was the last time the words that would fall from his tongue felt real, not empty, not something he only said for it was seen as an obligation by his family, and not because he wanted to?“But you don’t really care that much about your God, anyway.”A whimper rose up from the back of Eren’s throat. Levi’s fingers fall down, the touch so intoxicating that for only a moment Eren forgot where he was, what he was doing, why there were tears that slipped down his cheeks. Another gasp fell from him when Levi’s hand tugged itself under the waistband of Eren’s pants, resting over the curve in his ass. Blood rushed to Eren’s face and he began to cry, shoulders shaking, shoving his face into the crook of Levi’s neck in a desperate attempt to avoid being in view of the statue, as if it was a real living thing that could see right down on them.“Do you want me to stop, hmm?” Levi’s words were gentle and soft.Air had become harder to breathe, leaving his lungs in huffed breaths.Everything that they did was sinful. Sinful – a word he’d heard his mother used thousands of times to describe heathens, criminals, homosexuals – each time spoken in a bitter tone, as if it was poison.Yet, Levi’s touch felt so, so, so good.His lips press a kiss to Eren’s forehead as he repeated the question, waiting for Eren to answer.What was more important? His faith, something that Eren had held dear to himself since he was a small boy, something that had used to bring him so much security and comfort; or Levi?If to sin was such a horrible thing, something that went against the Lord and righteousness, then why did it feel so good?“Listen to me. We’re doing nothing wrong, remember?”
We’re doing nothing wrong.
“Everyone else has lied to you. But not me. I’ll never lie to you, Eren.”A familiar heat spread throughout Eren’s limbs, pulling him down into Levi’s embrace. His knees buckle as he breathed in Levi’s scent, lips ghosting over the skin of Levi’s neck. He kissed it, soft, gentle, feeling the tears roll off his chin. There was so much guilt in Eren’s gut, it twisting around him like chains.His father and his mother had lied to him. His God had lied to him.But never Levi. Levi would never lie to Eren – he’d promised him that.Why should Eren put his faith over Levi? His faith – something that had been used to justify the harsh words of his mother, the bruising punches of his father, the constant twisting of the truth that left Eren unable to be himself and to be free.Eren opened his eyes, blinking away tears. He leaned back just enough to take in Levi’s face before him. A soft smile was on his lips, a smile only for Eren.“P-Please,” Eren stuttered out, words hoarse. “Touch- Touch me. More. Levi… I- I need it.”Within seconds, Levi’s arms move, reaching underneath Eren’s thighs and picking him up. Instinctively Eren wrapped himself around Levi, finding Levi’s lips and slipping his tongue into the other’s mouth. Arms curl around Levi’s neck and pull him closer as the familiar heat inside him grew, spreading out to each limb, to each inch of his body. Vaguely Eren recognised Levi walking backwards towards the first bench, his head spinning as every part of him screamed to touch Levi. More, more, more.One of Levi’s hands reach up to rest on the back of Eren’s head before he placed him down onto the bench. Straddling over Eren’s hips, Levi’s lips twist up into a smirk, one hand reaching up underneath Eren’s jumper and trailing across the tanned skin of his stomach.His chest rose and fall steadily, cheeks flushed a deep shade of pink. A part of him felt exposed, his heart beat racing so incredibly fast for at the back of Eren’s mind he was partially aware of the fact they’re in a church – his church – and anyone could come in and see them. Yet all Eren could do was smile up at his lover, hands grasping at Levi’s shirt, head blank with nothing but thoughts of Levi. Heat rushed to the pit of his stomach when Levi grabbed the end of his own shirt and pulled it over his head, revealing the toned, sculpted muscles beneath. Eren bit his lip, holding back a shy giggle as his hands trace over the skin, heart skipping, body desperate to touch Levi and to feel him.“Look at you, baby. So fucking cute,” Levi leaned down, kissing Eren’s lips. His hands trail continued to push up Eren’s sweater, leaving him more exposed to the night air. “I’ve been waiting to do this to you for so, so long. Months and months.”Kisses reach Eren’s jaw. For a split moment Levi leaned back to tug off Eren’s jumper completely, pulling it over his head and discarding it somewhere along the tiled floor. A hand reached up around Eren’s neck as Levi bit softly just underneath Eren’s jawline, drawing out a soft gasp from his lover.Memories of earlier that day in the alley drift into Eren’s head.“Are-Are you going to fuck me?” He gasped out, words falling into a whine when Levi’s hips suddenly roll against his, the friction sending sparks of blinding pleasure throughout his body.“Ah, fuck, Eren,” His lover groaned. “Want me to fill you up with my cock, huh?”Eren’s eyes meet Levi’s. They’re full-blown with lust, his cheeks a faint shade of pink. Eren wasn’t sure what Levi meant, but he nodded with a shy smile, the arousal and excitement making him feel hazy.Another low groan left Levi’s throat as he pushed down against Eren’s lower half once more, making Eren whine as his hands move to fling themselves around Levi’s shoulders and pull him closer. Everything felt so incredibly hot. His legs wrap around Levi’s, a frown forming on his face ever so briefly at the knowledge that they both still had their pants on. Can he take them off?“Bet you’d look so damn pretty, fucking yourself onto me, unable to think of anything else. Wouldn’t you like that, baby? You’d love it, wouldn’t you?”Eren moaned, pushing his face into the crook of Levi’s neck. “Yes, ah, yes, I’d love it, I’d- I’d look so pretty, Levi, with your cock in me, please-”“Fucking hell, Eren, keep talking like that and I really am going to fuck you tonight,” Levi leaned back, words falling off his tongue in gasped breaths. His hands fumble with the belt on his jeans and he undid the buttons quick, pulling his pants down to around his knees.Taking the lead, Eren followed, wiggling himself out of his own pants until both of them are in nothing but their strained underwear. Eren’s eyes trail down, the arousal building at the sight of Levi’s thick, muscular thighs and the outline of his cock, pressed hard against the fabric.Eren sat up, making Levi fall back into his lap. A finger slipped under the waistband of Levi’s underwear and his gaze flickered up, a small smile on his face at seeing Levi watch him with hooded, dark lust-blown eyes.“You’re not going to fuck me tonight?” Eren said, teasing, trying to hide the slight disappointment in his voice. “We’re- We’re already undressed.”Levi bit his lip. “Didn’t you say this was a holy place? Didn’t think you’d want me to do it here.”He shrugged, slipping his hand into Levi’s boxers, heart flipping at the gasp that fell from his lover’s lips when he took his cock into his hand. “Why stop now? We’ve already sinned.”Levi’s hands wrap around his neck and he kissed him, tongue slipping into his mouth. Both their moans become muffled as Eren started to stroke Levi softly, smirking into the kiss when Levi’s cock twitched under his touch. Pulling back Eren leaned his forward against Levi, still moving his hand ever so slowly.“Have you fingered yourself before?” Levi asked.Eren shook his head, a shy giggle slipping past his lips.“You know, a part of me wants to keep you like this, so naïve and innocent,” Levi smirked, kissing Eren’s cheeks, giving another strained grasp when Eren’s thumb moved to brush over the slit of his cock. “But it’s so fucking fun, corrupting you. You used to be a little church boy who blushed when I called him cute, and now you’re begging me to fuck you.”Staring at him with half-lidded eyes Eren smiled, moving to ghost his lips over Levi’s ear. His chest tightened, his stomach coiling inside of him, an unknown anxiety rising in his blood.His lover’s hand slipped beneath his boxers, pulling them down. Levi moved, pushing Eren back down flat against the bench as once more he straddled on top of him. Two hands push Eren’s thighs apart, one leg moving up to rest over the back of the bench. Levi’s fingers trace down his stomach, stopping just above where Eren’s cock rest hard against his skin. “Keep your legs spread,” Levi’s lips break into a smirk, and he leaned down to kiss down Eren’s chest. He licks over a nipple, making Eren gasp and whine as his hands grip into Levi’s hair. But before Eren can make too much noise, Levi’s fingers move to slip into his mouth.Kissing his chest, eyes flickering up to lock with Eren’s, Levi murmured: “Suck.”Eren obeyed. He obeyed Levi so easily, even when unaware of what was happening. He sucked Levi’s fingers into his mouth, eyes falling closed as his tongue swirled around them as if it was Levi’s cock.After a minute, Levi pulled them out of Eren’s mouth. When his fingers move down, tracing an area Eren didn’t think anyone would ever see, he jolted, hips thrusting up into nothing and hands holding tight fistfuls of Levi’s hair. His heartbeat stopped as his lips fall agape, eyes widening at Levi above.“What- What are you doing?”Levi’s smirk deepened. He leaned a little closer to whisper in Eren’s ear, “M’ going to finger you. Fill you up with my fingers, spread you open, make you feel good.”His head continued to spin. The air around him felt cold against his flushed skin, and Eren’s eyes drifted back to the marble statue as Levi spoke. It still loomed over them, watching them, and Eren knew that he was being judged for his sins. His filthy, disgusting sins.But Levi wanted to make Eren feel good.All he wanted was to feel good.Nodding, Eren drew in a shaking breath. “Okay, Levi, I- I trust you.”“Tell me at any time if you want me to stop. It might sting a little, baby,” Levi kissed just below his earlobe before his fingers brush over there, and another jolt ran through Eren’s body at the foreign, unfamiliar sensation. Biting his lip, Eren closed his eyes.And then it happened. Levi was right – it stung, a dull stretching pain and he winced. Hands moved, slipping through Levi’s locks, brushing over his undercut, locking around his neck. Eren buried his face there in the crook between Levi’s neck and his shoulder, feeling his cheeks burn as Levi pushed his finger further in, up to the knuckle. With every breath Eren shook, his heartbeat drumming so fast in his ears it sounded like one continuous beat.He became hyperaware of where they were; in his father’s church, where in years’ time he would be expected to work. His back was pressed against the bench that he had sat at thousands of times, and a statue of his Lord stood watching them with it’s cold, stone eyes.Gasping when Levi’s finger reached its full length, the first sparks of the pleasure making his toes curl, Eren’s gaze shifted to the ceiling. Levi continued to move inside him, slowly, in and out; each time the pleasure building, the arousal making him shiver and buckle and tremor.He felt full. It felt odd, weird, foreign, something that was most certainly sinful and a part of Eren was still aware of the fact that he should feel disgusted in himself. Yet a moan slipped from his lips when Levi’s finger moved just a little, brushing against a part inside that was so sensitive that Eren’s moan bled into a low scream. His nails dug into Levi’s skin, his cock twitching against his stomach, his entire body falling limp when Levi did it again, and again, and again.“Feels good, doesn’t it?” Levi chuckled, kissing the corner of Eren’s lips. “Want me to add another?”“Ah, y-yes,” Eren said in a stuttered, whined reply, his entire body hot. “More, Levi, please!”When Levi pushed another finger inside of him Eren yelled, his lover’s name and curses falling from his lips as he hit his head against the bench, the impact only being softened by Levi’s hand coming up to hold the back of his head. Wrapping his legs around Levi, Eren pulled him closer, mewling at the blissful friction when their cocks rubbed against each other. His hips moved up, grinding his cock against Levi’s. Each time he relaxed, he would sink back against Levi’s fingers again, having them hit that sweet, pleasurable spot inside of him that Eren never knew existed.Levi was groaning above him every time Eren’s hips would thrust up. Eren’s name was spoken softly, repeatedly, in a low strained voice that Eren found completely and utterly intoxicating. One of his lover’s hands had moved to the sides of his head, palm pressed flat onto the bench to support him up and muscles flexed as Levi hovered over him. The other’s fingers were deep inside of him.Eren’s heart twisted; he wanted to feel Levi against him. All of him.“Levi,” Eren whined, hands touching Levi’s arm, gently pushing it, “Touch me, ah, hold me. P-Please, I feel… so… untouched, ah- fuck,”Without speaking, Levi moved, wrapping his arm underneath and around Eren’s back and pulling him closer. Their stomachs touched, their chests touched, and all Levi could do was push his head into the crook of Eren’s neck. Eren’s lips parted into a smile as he sighed blissfully. Having Levi against him felt wonderful – it reminded Eren that his lover was real, that this was real, that he was wanted.Obsession. Perhaps that wasn’t the right word to describe what Eren felt for Levi. Was it love?Another whine from him bled into Levi’s moans as his lover continued to move his fingers. The arousal was building – Eren could feel his orgasm nearing, just below the surface of his skin.
I want him to love me.
I want to be the only thing he wants at all.
“Tell me you- ah, tell me- you love me,” Eren gasped out, his eyes blurring over with tears as he stared at the ceiling once more. His gaze drifted to the left to the marble statue, but it made Eren’s heart twist and chest ache and he closed his eyes instead. When Levi didn’t reply, his heart continued to twist up inside his chest. Hot tears trailed down his cheeks. Levi continued to finger him open, grind against him, but he spoke nothing at all.“Levi,” Eren pushed again, words croaking, “I love you, I love you, tell me you love me, please.”Another moment of nothing but their panted breaths, and the sound of the bench creaking softly underneath their weight. Tears continued to build. Eren’s throat felt tight.
Did Levi not love me?
It was as if Eren couldn't breathe, his lungs unable to contract and exhale. Everything came crashing down upon him, but all Eren could do was grip tighter around Levi. Salt could be tasted on his tongue as he continued to cry, quiet sobs trapped in the back of his throat. A low, buzzing sound filled his ears. His breaths came out wheezed, shallow and coarse. An ache, so painful that it made Eren gasp, spread throughout his chest.
I just want to be loved. Love me. Love me. Love me.
Please. I'll do anything.
Why does nobody love me?
When Levi stilled, stopping all movements and leaning back to stare at Eren – he felt the entire world around him still, too. His lover’s cheeks were flushed a deep pink, something so rare yet so beautiful. Irises were full blown with lust, and his lips a little plump and swollen from Eren’s kisses. In silence he watched as Levi’s features soften, mouth falling apart ever so slightly. His free hand reached up to Eren’s cheeks, thumb wiping away the bitter tears.Leaning down, Levi kissed him.Eren was desperate, pushing back into the kiss, only to have Levi pull away and kiss his forehead.Their gazes locked.“I love you, Eren.”And with those words, Eren’s world was complete again. Lips were parted into a splitting grin and he kissed Levi, feeling his heart completely burst. It felt as if there were a thousand butterflies fluttering inside his chest. The feeling – the overwhelming, adoring feeling – washed over him in waves, sinking down to his bones, soaking in his blood. Eren couldn’t help but kiss Levi repeatedly, pressing soft pecks to his lips and giggling in-between each one. He blinked away tears, holding Levi’s face in his hands. In this moment, the world was beautiful, and there was nothing that could ever possibly go wrong.“I love you,” Eren repeated, kissing Levi’s lips, and then his forehead, his nose, his cheeks. “I- oh,”A smirk had etched itself onto Levi’s face and he moved again, his fingers curling up to brush against the sweet spot inside of Eren and he fell apart with a groan, eyes fluttering closed. He leaned his forehead against Levi’s, letting his lover press kisses to his open mouth.Whines and gasps and moans mixed in with Levi’s as his lover’s fingers gained speed, and his hips continued to grind down against Eren’s. It was overwhelming. So incredibly blissful, intoxicatingly arousing that all Eren could do was make sounds, clinging onto Levi desperately as he reached closer and closer to his orgasm. He wouldn’t be able to resist Levi, even if he tried.“I love you so much, Eren. I’ll do anything for you, my love,” Levi whispered in his ear. Tears were blinked away as Eren smiled, letting Levi kiss him again, so desperate to feel Levi.He told Levi he loved him again, and again, and again as he chased the blinding pleasure.When it reached him, Eren went limp, almost screaming Levi’s name as his fingers thrusted in and out of him. Everything felt completely and utterly overwhelming, and Eren was motionless as Levi continued to grind against him, reaching his orgasm shortly after.Moments past. Eren giggled into silence, running his fingers through Levi’s undercut. “Weren’t we… weren’t we meant to go into the back room?”“Oops,” Levi chuckled, his face pressed into the crook of Eren’s neck. “Guess we got distracted.”Together they laid against each other, panting, naked in the house of God. Levi stole a cloth from underneath the table at the front of the church. It was usually used during ceremonies, to clean up any spilt wine or blessed water. He used it to wipe themselves down, and when he was done, Eren watched with a slither of guilt as he pushed open one of the panels of the glass windows and threw it outside to the shrubs. Both of them dressed themselves, and then made their way over to the back room. Eren’s knees continued to buckle with every step.Raising a brow in Eren’s direction, Levi said: “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”He shook his head, smiling softly as he kissed his lover’s cheek. “Not at all. I think… I’m just shaking. From before, ha. Not pain. It felt good.”“I'm glad. I would never want to hurt you,” Levi murmured, eyes lingering on Eren for another second before he turned his attention back to the door in front of him. Pulling out the crooked piece of metal from the pocket of his jeans, he twisted it into the keyhole of the door handle.Eren leaned his head on Levi's shoulder, watching him. He felt complete.In the future, Eren would not become a doctor or a pastor like his father. He wanted to be like Levi - intelligent, wonderful, strong, free. For as long as Levi allowed it, Eren would follow him.The door was pushed open with a loud creak that echoed throughout the silent church. Inside it was completely dark. It took a few seconds for Eren’s eyes to adjust, but by then Levi had already found the lantern candle sitting on the oval desk in the middle of the room. Matches were laid beside it, and he lit one up to then light the candle lantern.“How could you even see? It takes me ages,” Eren asked. His eyes scanned around the room, noting the cabinets and the bookshelves against the wall, and the large cross that hung on the other. Light danced off the walls, casting shadows in the corners. Cobwebs dusted the corners of the room with their owners nowhere to be seen in sight.“I’m used to being in the dark,” Levi said. He moved to the bookshelves and cabinets, fingertips running along the spines of books and folders. Pulling it off, he inspected the grey dust. “Seems old.”Eren pulled out a chair, taking a seat and leaning his elbows on the table. He watched as Levi leaned down, looking over the folders on the bottom shelf. “I don’t think my father usually puts any documents here. It’s probably just church things, not anything about the Ackermans.”Levi shrugged, a brow raised. He pulled out one thick, vanilla folder. “This one seems clean.”He placed it on the table opposite Eren, and flicked open the cover. Inside was a large, folded blue sheet, with strange lines and scribbled notes on it. Leaning further over the desk, Eren squinted.“What is it?”“A blueprint,” Levi pulled it out, and unfolded it across the oak table. Grabbing the candle, he hovered it over the paper, lighting up the image clearer. From Eren’s point of view, it looked like a large rectangle, with multiple squares inside.“What’s a blueprint?”“A map. For a building,” Levi said, his eyes flickering over the paper. There were large, curled letters in the top right corner, written in thick black ink. The candle hovered over it, “Princess Sina Asylum.”Eren’s eyebrows furrow. “Isn’t Princess Sina the youngest daughter of the King?”His lover hummed, placing the candle down. Wax dripped onto the wooden table, but neither payed attention to it. “The asylum is located in the capitol."“Does it say that on the paper? I can’t read it. The writing is too messy.”“No,” Levi said. Eren’s heartbeat skipped.The sound of the wind outside picked up. The window panel that Levi had pushed open let the wind drift inside, sending high pitched echoes that sounded like distant screams and swirls of air throughout the quiet church. From the candlelight, Eren could see the blankness in Levi’s face.Eren gulped down the cold air, soothing his tightening throat. “You were born in the capitol, right? That’s- ha, that’s why you know that. Right?”“I was born in Shiganshina, Eren. But I lived in the capitol for many years. That’s right.” “I… I don’t see why this blueprint is important,” Eren sat back in his chair, rubbing his arms. Everything felt oddly cold. A voice in his head was whispering to him, telling him to leave and to run and get out of the dark but Eren told himself it was his own childish fear of the night. Besides, Levi was here with him. Levi would always keep Eren safe. There was no reason to feel uneased.“See the date, underneath the name?” Levi pointed, picking up the candle. With one hand he twisted the paper around so that Eren could read it with ease.Under the black writing was the date: October 11th, 1824.Eren blinked. “I don’t understand-”“Remember that letter we found? About your father receiving a large sum of money from the mayor?” Levi said, a brow raised as a smirk curled on his lips. “Well, actually, at the time Rod Reiss wasn’t even the mayor – his brother was. Do you recognise the date, Eren? 1824. This was made a few months after your father was given that money.”A twisting feeling in his gut made Eren breathless, head filled with fragmented thoughts. Leaning back, Levi stood tall and made his way around the table. No longer could Eren see him, the bookcase behind where Levi had been seconds before now in sight.
Did my father...?
When Levi’s hands rest on his shoulder, Eren shivered.Lips were pressed softly just below Eren’s ear. His lover’s fingers dug into the skin of his shoulders, forcibly relaxing him, pushing Eren back into his chair. The heat from Levi radiated off him, contrasting to the cold that had seeped into Eren’s bones.“What do you think, my love?”“I...” Eren paused, eyes fluttering close as Levi continued to press soft kisses to his neck, making his mind a little more blank, making it a little more difficult to focus on anything at all. “I don’t- don’t understand how this has to do with the Ackermans.”“Ah, Eren,” Levi chuckled softly, the sound one that Eren adored. His insides twisted but his heart still bloomed, as if the cold, dark surroundings and the boy’s soft touch left Eren’s brain confused. It was as if his body didn’t know how to react – one half telling him to run out of the dark, and the other telling him to stay, to soak up Levi’s touch, to ignore the prickling sensation under his skin that something was terribly, terribly wrong.“I have a little secret,” Levi said. Eren’s breath hitched. “Do you want to hear it?”“Y-Yes.”“I know… that the Ackerman family actually served quite some time in this asylum. Even the little children. They were beaten, and chained up, and stripped of any freedom,” Levi’s words were said slow, echoing throughout the dark room. Eren stood still, his shoulders tense once more, eyes burning into the sight of the wick of the candle slowly disappearing.Time seemed to tick more slowly.Each heartbeat pounded in his ears.The sound of blood rushing through his veins could be heard.
Stripped of freedom.
"You... you know that because you- you lived in the capitol, right?" Eren breathed out. His throat felt tight. His stomach twisted tigheter.A soft kiss was pressed against his jaw. “You could say that," Levi whispered into his ear, hands drifting from his shoulders to Eren’s neck and dragging shivers across his skin. Fingertips rested along his jawline, and there was no doubt that Levi could feel Eren’s beating pulse. “Do you know what, Eren? I think... that your father built that asylum.”Until wet tears rolled down his skin, Eren hadn’t realised he was crying. He drew in a shaking breath, voice cracking, “My father?”“Yes, baby. He built a place… that didn’t allow people to feel free.” Levi kissed his cheek. Eren’s lips parted in a silent cry, his heart twisting and flipping and aching for a reason unknown. “You… understand that, right? The feeling of not being free. It hurts, doesn’t it?”Stuttered sounds fell from Eren’s lips. He squeezed his eyes closed, hands gripping the handles of the chair. Levi cooed softly behind him, thumb wiping away tears before he wrapped his arms completely around Eren’s shoulders. He pressed his lips to Eren’s hair, sighing softly as Eren shuddered beneath him, before moving to kiss Eren’s temple.“Oh, Eren. My beautiful, beautiful boy,” Levi said. A small, muffled whine slipped past Eren’s lips as he pressed up into Levi’s touch. Hands came to rest over Levi’s. “Perhaps… the Ackermans and you have some things in common, don’t you think?”“They- they’re criminals,” Eren hiccupped.“So are you. You broke into this church, even if owned by your parents, it’s not owned by you. You stole that alcohol, and then drunk it all with me in the farmer’s fields despite being only fifteen. And you kiss me, let me touch you and, if I asked and you wanted – you’d let me fuck you, strip you of any innocence you have left. You’ve broken quite a few laws there, correct?”A pause. Shakily, Eren nodded. It felt as if vines had wrapped around his heart, pulling it down, making him want to sink into the ground below him. Before, when Eren had done these things, he’d never really thought about what it made him. He was a criminal, now.And so was Levi.Sobs fall from his lips. Levi continued to hold him, a hand coming up to run through his hair. A part of Eren wants to push him away and run, but the growing, stronger part of Eren melted into Levi’s touch, seeking his comfort and his love; to use it to dull the guilt of his actions, to make him forget.“But, even if you didn’t do any of those things. You’d believe me, right? That you have some things in common with these vile heathens that your parents despise. I’d never lie to you, baby. All I want is for you to be free.” Levi said, removing his hands from around Eren. Silently he mourns the loss of contact, reaching out into darkness for his lover, only to have Levi pull back his chair. He snuck around, leaning down in front of Eren, who opens his eyes to see Levi down on his knees.Glowing light silhouetted his head. A small smile sat curled on his lips. Hands rested on Eren’s knees.“I believe you, Levi. Always,” Eren whispered. His hands reach out, resting on his lover’s cheeks.“I know. You’re such a good boy for me. You’ll always listen to me.”Levi stood up. Briefly Eren pouted, panic spiking in his blood at the thought Levi would leave. But then Levi stepped forward, straddling Eren’s laps, looping his arms around Eren’s neck. He gasped in surprise, only to have his mouth claimed by Levi’s lips, and once again Eren melted into the touch.“You and the Ackermans… both of you only want freedom,” Levi mumbled between the kisses. “Is that such a crime, Eren? I don’t think it is.”A sigh fell from his lips. Eren shook his head.It was not a bad thing, to want to be free.It was human instinct. Nobody wanted to be kept in a cage, to be confined to another’s will, to be controlled by something else. Freedom was a sensation – no, a goal – that Eren had always wanted. He’d craved it since birth, had desired it and dreamed of it his entire life. Surely, the Ackermans wanted that too – and it would be hypocritical for Eren to deny them that desire.Though, they were still evil. Levi and Eren might have done things wrong, but his lover and himself were not cold-blooded, gruesome killers like the Ackermans were. They were different. All Eren and Levi did were be in love. Neither would ever be so vile as to kill another human being. Never.“I love you so much, Eren. More than anybody else could ever love you.”A smile fell across Eren’s lips. He leaned his forehead against Levi’s, watching as his lover’s deep eyes met his. In the dark, Eren could still see the faint blues that he adored.“I love you,” Eren repeated, the words spoken with so much ease, as if there was nothing more natural that he could say. “More than anything else in the world.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The fork scraped against the porcelain plate as Eren pushed his food around, uninterested in the salted meat and the mushy vegetables. Others around the table talked and laughed, drinking wine and acting as if a man wasn’t missing and there was still no news about where he was.It was Wednesday evening. Five days since Eren and Levi snuck into the church. Five days since Eren had disobeyed his Lord, sinned in the filthiest way possible in the holiest of places. Five days since Eren had learned, truly, that perhaps his father was much viler than he had thought.If his father was to found out about Eren’s sins; about how he begged for another man’s touch, drunk alcohol stolen from a merchant, let his teacher give him higher grades than Mikasa just for the sheer thrill of the thought at being better than her, would he send him to an asylum?As a child, Eren learned about asylums. Large, enclosed prison-like buildings that people were sent to when they were sick and full of sins. But they’d had always felt like a myth. Something that wasn’t real and simply made up to scare the children into behaving.It made his heartbeat race at knowing his father had hidden so many secrets from him.Around the table sat the mayor Rod Reiss, his father and mother, Historia and Mikasa. Eren was next to Mikasa as per usual, with Historia and Rod across from them. The girl wore a pale pink dress, with her blond locks braided to the side and cheeks a rosy colour. When the Reiss family had entered their home, Eren said a meek hello and a rushed compliment. He didn’t want to be around them – or anyone, really – and instead had hoped to retreat to his room, and then complain of a stomach ache so he did not have to eat dinner with the two families.But his father beforehand had told Eren that he was to be on his best behaviour, grabbing him by the ear and yanking him harshly in an attempt to get it through his thick skull.
“It’s going to be an important dinner. Some announcements will be made, and when they are you are to deal with it and smile, regardless of how you feel. Do you understand me, son?”
Eren winced as his father pulled harder, fighting to keep his hands by his side for if he tried to push his father off it would not end well. He nodded with glazed eyes, the pain pulsing in his head.
“Historia will be here. She’s a lovely girl. Do not disappoint us.”
Even now, Eren stomach twisted at his father’s words. It made him uneasy, on edge. Why would his father tell him that? Since childhood, Historia and Eren had been friends. There was no need to remind him that she is lovely. Eren knew that. She had a warm smile, a kind voice, and gentle eyes. Historia was someone that Eren trusted.Then there was the latter half – don’t disappoint us. With his father having said through clenched teeth, it felt like a threat more than anything. Not simply Eren being told to be good, to do what he is told, to let himself be controlled. An underlying, tense tone laid beneath those words. A silent threat that if Eren messed up and disappointed his family, he’d be punished for it.Eren ate his dinner in complete silence. Nobody spoke to him, or asked for his opinions when the conversation shifted to politics and social issues. With each ticking second, his throat grew more tight and dry. The thumping of his heartbeat against the bones of his ribcage ruined his appetite. By the end of the dinner, his fingertips had begun to shake and beads of anxious sweat formed on his forehead. There had been no announcements made. Paranoia began to sink in.It was a feeling that still felt new and fresh to Eren. He couldn’t remember the panic in his younger years; he only had ever felt sorrow and a depressive guilt at being the lesser one in their family.Now, Eren grew paranoid often. Whenever his parents would say, “Can I ask you a question?”, Eren’s throat would close up and his knees would buckle; until his mother or father would ask about school or undone chores, and then Eren felt that he could breathe once more.Standing up after, Eren gathered the dishes himself, arms and hands moving by pure muscle memory. Rod gave a compliment, but to Eren’s ears it sounded like white nose. He walked to the kitchen with tense shoulders and stiff muscles as the itch to leave their presence grew ever so stronger.Eren had only just put down the plates when Historia stepped up beside him.Placing his palms face down on the counter to steady himself, Eren raised a brow in her direction.“Have your parents told you anything yet?” She spoke in a whisper. As always, it was soft, matching perfectly with the small smile on her lips. Twiddling with her fingers as she shifted her weight from side to side, the blushing cheeks she donned reminded him of her younger age. Historia was only fourteen. In her pink dress, with her pink cheeks, and with a pink bow in her plait that Eren only now noticed, she looked childish. In a good way, though. It was innocent.Remembering her question, Eren shook his head. “They said there was going to be an announcement.”Her smile faltered, before her eyebrows then furrow in. “Your father didn’t even tell you?”“No?”“Oh,” She said, stopping her movement. “Well, I… hope you aren’t angry. Or upset.”A few months ago, Eren would have probably scoffed at her. Rubbed her head and told her that there was nothing to be angry about – for what announcement that his father could make be that bad?But it early December, and Eren was no longer the same boy he was before. Paranoia – with its dark, oil-slicked claws – sat over him, twisting his heart at Historia’s words.“Why would I be mad?” The words were said so quiet as he became hyperaware of their families in the next room over. Eren gulped down the knot in his throat, gripping onto the edge of the kitchen bench. His eyes felt strained as he focused on Historia and the way she nibbled her bottom lip.Her shoulders shrugged. “There’s not much choice. And I know you like choice.”Shivers crawled down Eren’s spine. Paranoia breathed into his ear, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand straight. Knees buckled under the weight of Historia’s cryptic words; but Eren never had a chance to ask her about them, for their names were called from the living room.When they walked in, everyone stared. Mikasa and Eren’s mother had sat down at the table, but Rod and Grisha stood tall, with chins high and shoulders back. A small smile curled his mother’s lips and she stood when she saw them, stepping over with a sigh.Her hand rested on Eren’s shoulder; cold and heavy. She guided him into the middle of the room, where Historia had already crossed over to stand by her father. Behind him was a scraping sound of the wooden chair, signalling to him that Mikasa had stood as well.“Eren, my darling. We know you both are still so young, but as… as two families, we have come to a decision and we believe this is the right choice,” His mother said, glancing between the people.It was as if concrete had been poured over his bones, leaving Eren stiff as stone.“We had originally planned to announce this at the Mayor’s ball… however, that didn’t work out.”“What is going on?” Eren breathed out shallow gasps of air, feeling his hands shake as cold sweat ran down the back of his nape. The walls around him seemed to move, enclosing him in a cage.Something was not right.His father stepped forward. The smile on his face was meant to be warm, but it brought nothing to Eren but a freezing shiver. “As two families, we have long been united in politics and views. Even my grandfather – your great-grandfather – was close friends with the Reiss’. However, we’ve never been united by the law. We’d like to change that, finally.”Dryness in his throat and mouth made it even more difficult to breathe.Paranoia gripped harder on his shoulder, baring it’s rotting teeth.Mikasa came into view, standing to the side near Historia. His gaze snapped to hers, and for once there was something other than smugness or bleakness in her expression. Her lips had tugged down into a frown, brows furrowed and hands fidgeting by her side.“It’s not legal yet, as you both are still young, just like your mother said. But once you turn seventeen, and Historia sixteen, we have decided that you two are to-”No.Eren looked to his father. He seemed so happy. Lips twisted into a smile, words spoken with ease and something that perhaps could have been mistaken for pride, if Eren was a fool.The world spun around him, the walls closing in in a suffocating manner as his surroundings grew bleak and cold. In his fright Eren took a step back, knees buckling, head shaking as the fragmented thoughts in his head fell together like puzzle pieces. Eren knew what his father was about to say.It felt as if a hand had dug its way into his chest, ripping through flesh and cracking bone to get to his pulsing, bleeding heart, and then twisted it out with a snap, crushing it in his hands.This wasn’t right. Eren was meant to be with Levi, his boyfriend, forever and ever. Eren didn’t even like girls. Why would he want to marry one? He’s only fifteen. Why is marriage important to him? Even at seventeen, Eren should be finishing school and looking forward to entering medical school like his father and mother had always asked him too. He’s just a kid. At seventeen, he’s still a kid.Had Eren not done enough? Was that the reason they were asking this of him?For years, he had done everything they had ever asked of him.This can’t be happening.He’s meant to be with Levi. Beautiful, ethereal, perfect Levi.Before Eren can realise it he was bending over, gripping tightly onto his shaking knees and dry reaching as his stomach continued to twist and flip inside of him. Tears have left his eyes bloodshot and soaked his pale cheeks. Nobody spoke, but Eren could feel their burning gazes on him.“No,” He croaked out, staring at the ground. “No, no, no!”“Eren Jaeger,” His father said, voice deep in a warning tone.“I’m not- No! I’m not going to-”His mother laughed sheepishly beside him, rubbing his back. “Sweetheart, I- I know this may be a little bit of a shock, but you have two years yet before your wedding, and Historia is a lovely girl.”Eren shook his head almost violently, head pounding as the blood rushed to it. He clenched his teeth with knuckles turning bone-white as he gripped harder onto his knees. Another bitter sob slipped past his lips as his father repeated his name again, taking another step closer.Paranoia, sat perched on his shoulder, cracked its bones as it turned a bloody red. Steam sizzled off its skin as the familiar, hidden anger in the pit of Eren’s stomach flickered alive.“Eren, you do not have a choice in this,” His father said. The boots he wore stopped in front of him.He breathed through his clenched teeth, lifting his head up to glare at his father with glassed eyes. “I am not going to marry anyone.”A brow twitched. His father’s shoulders rise as he sucked in a deep breath. Nobody else spoke, and his mother’s cold and bony hand slipped off his back.“You will.”
Don’t let him control you. So what if he gets angry? You don’t even like your father that much.
Let him hit you. Soak in the pain. It’ll be another reason to let Levi get rid of them.
“I will not fucking marry her,” Eren spat out.Out of the corner of his eye he saw Mikasa shake her head; it made his lips twist into a smirk. Historia’s frowning gaze met his for only a second before she looked away, casting her eyes downward. Eren was expecting yells. He was expecting his father’s anger to bubble to up, to bear its ugly head as he slapped and punched Eren, calling him a disappointment and a burden and every other insulting name that he could ever think of. Yet it was quiet; apart from his mother’s harsh gasp and Rod Reiss clearing his throat as he glared down at Eren, eyes narrow and fists shaking by his side.Moments past.With a sigh - slipped from his father’s lips as if this was some repetitive, boring routine to him - his hand launched forward and grabbed a painful fistful of Eren’s hair. It twisted as he began to step back, leaving Eren scrambling to his feet as the shots of pain stung and ached throughout his head. A pained groan was the only sound Eren could make before his father spat a low, bone-chilling, “Shut up,” in his ear.“Please, excuse us. My dearest apologies,” His father said, the words spoken in a lighter tone to the ones a second ago. It was as if he was apologising for Eren spilling wine or talking too loud, and not for Eren telling the mayor and his daughter that he refused to be married to her.Stumbling by his side, Eren followed his father as he was dragged outside of the house. Snow had fallen, coating the street in pristine white with the temperature so low Eren could see his breath. Goosebumps rose to the top of his skin. Out in the street, the only light that could be seen was lantern light, dim through the windows of the houses.As soon as the front door had been kicked closed, Eren was thrown to the ground, hitting the back of his head against the few stairs as he tumbled down them. Wet, cold snow soaked into his clothes, making his skin red and limbs shake. Before he could speak, his father stood over him, teeth gritted and a thick crease in-between where he frowned. The muscles in Eren’s body tensed as he braced himself for impact, knowing full well what would happen.Thump.
Thump.
Thump, thump, thump.
His father’s boot connected with his side, then his stomach, making Eren heave over and choke on air as it was squished out of him. The boot bruised the flesh, sending sharp twangs of hurt throughout his entire body. Tears welled up in his eyes as he continued to dry-heave, rolling over to his side and curling his shaking legs up against his chest. Coldness bled into the pain, and all Eren could do was whimper, suffering under his father’s cruel anger.“Why can’t you just do what I tell you too? It’d make it so much easier for you, Eren!”Nobody watched them. Mikasa nor his mother came out to beg his father to stop, not even when Eren started to taste blood in his mouth from biting his tongue so hard to hold back his sobs of pain. Compared to his father, Eren was helpless, unable to do nothing for each kick drained the energy from his system completely. His body felt numb – but whether that was pain or coldness, Eren couldn’t tell.“I told you not to disappoint us,” His father seethed, kneeling down to lift Eren’s head off the ground by his hair. “Why do you always have to bring shame to this family?”“I-I don’t want to marry her,” Eren stuttered out, feeling his throat close up as the hot tears rolled down his flushed, cold cheeks. All his muscles ached, but with his father no longer abusing his body Eren took the chance to suck in deep breaths, watching the air swirl around in the night when he exhaled. At his words, his father gripped his hair tighter.“You have no choice!”
Levi’s smile was kind. He reached out to him, brushing the tears from his cheeks. “Don’t let them control you. I’d never let them do it if I was beside you.”
His kiss was gentle, contrasting to the cold. “There is always a choice.”
Eren knew Levi was not really beside him. When he blinked, the boy was gone.He breathed deeply, letting his limbs go still. Inside his chest, his beating heart slowed, as Eren focused on Levi’s words and his touch and his smile. The memories gave him the strength to twist his head, glaring up at his father who still loomed about him. A smirk curled across Eren's features, showing his bloody teeth. In satisfaction he watched his father’s eyes grow wide, his frown falter.It was enough of a break in his father’s anger for Eren to lift his leg from under him and kick – hard, violent, with the impact a harsh slap, the sound akin to when his mother would beat the salted meats – and his father gasped, falling back onto the ground.Eren crawled out from under his father, ignoring the harsh pain in his ribs and hips. His father groaned, hand pressing onto his stomach as his gaze turned to Eren’s. Shock was weaved into his expression. It made Eren smile, a delerious laugh falling from his lips, even though it made the ache in his chest worsen.“You can’t control me anymore!” Eren laughed, bitter and bloody. The words cracked, raw in his tightened and dry throat. Tears tasted salty on his tongue, mixing with the bitter metallic blood. The laugh – broken and irrational – was loud in the silence of the street, ringing throughout the night air. Snowflakes had started to fall again, hiding the marks in the snow where he’d been abused. “You fucking bastard! I’m not going to get married!”Blinking, his father stared back at his son, before the anger seeped back into his expression once more. He shook his head, baring his teeth, pulling himself to his feet. “I am your father. How dare you disobey me! Who do you think you are? You are nothing more than my son!”When he took a step forward, Eren crawled back. “Fuck you! I’m not going to listen to you!”“You do not have a choice!”“Liar! Liar! That’s all you fucking are! I have a choice! I always will!” Eren screamed, the sounds ripping through his throat. His father launched forward at him, a low growl escaping his lips but Eren dodged him. He scrambled to his feet, stumbling down the street and away from his home. Pain could be felt in each limb of his body, deep in his chest and bones but Eren pushed for his body to move.Eren waited for the footsteps to chase after him. There was nothing.“Do you not understand how you are making Historia feel?”In his tracks, Eren came to a holt.Historia. With her kind words, pretty smile, soft eyes. Her long, golden blond hair that reminded Eren of the sun, her warm hugs and delicate laugh.
“I… hope you aren’t angry. Or upset.”
He could hear his father sigh, footsteps slow behind him. “I understand it’s shocking, Eren. But Historia is a lovely girl, and you’ve probably hurt her quite badly back there. Aren’t you friends?”Eren shivered, knees buckling and skin glowing red in the cold. He shrugged, sniffling as tears continued to blur his vision. “We… we are.”“She’ll make a good wife; you should be grateful.”He closed his eyes, biting his lip to hold back the ugly sob that rose up at the back of his throat. It wasn’t that Historia was a bad person, or that she was ugly or mean or anything like that. She had done nothing wrong; there was no reason that Eren didn’t want to be her husband other than the fact that she was a girl. A woman. Would Eren be happy, living alongside a woman for the rest of his life?Would he be happy kissing a girl? Holding her hand, calling her his wife. When the inventible comes, and they were expected to start a family, would he be fine giving her children? Or would it make him sick, would it make him panic and feel numb?Would his heart race, his cheeks blush, his skin tingle as it did when Levi held him, and kissed him, and touched him?Levi.Lovely, lovely, Levi.That was why Eren did not want to marry Historia. He had already found the person he had decided to spend the rest of his life with, and it wasn’t Historia. It would never be.His shoulders shook as he cried. Everything ached, and when his father’s hand rested on his shoulder Eren flinched so hard that his muscles tensed up, strained and pulled tight.“You should apologise.”“You kicked me,” Eren said through a choked cry.“Then perhaps you should have done what we expected of you.”Shaking his head, Eren turned around, glaring up at his father in the dark. “Well you should have at least told me, father! What did you think would happen? I’m fifteen! I don’t want to get married!”His father clicked his tongue, rolling his eyes as he turned and started to walk back to the house – seemingly expecting Eren to follow. In the dark, he said: “You will want to when you’re seventeen, and then you and Historia will become married. You’ll grow up and realise that everything is okay.”It felt as if he’d been kicked again, the air leaking out from his lungs and making it hard to breathe. Fists shook by his side, and Eren stayed still. He would not be going home.“Nothing is okay!” He shouted back, lips trembling. “Annie’s fathers still missing, you know that? And you act like everything is fine! It’s not fine! You- You are a liar!”For a moment his father halted, before looking over his shoulder with a raised brow. “I know he’s still missing, but he’ll be found soon, and why in the world are you calling me a liar for, Eren-”“He’s fucking dead!”The words ripped through his throat, rolling off his tongue before Eren could stop it. His father’s frown faltered, lips parting and shoulders relaxing; but Eren continued, letting his fragmented thoughts and paranoia come to light.“Annie’s father is dead, they’ve killed him, they’ve- they’ve killed him and nobody wants to admit it because we all know it’s true!” Eren stepped back into the dark blindness, the snow crunching beneath his feet. “I’m not going home. I’m leaving. I’m not getting married, and you can’t make me.”Neither of them spoke. Snowflakes fell onto Eren’s skin, melting. His heart twisted, his stomach coiled so tight it made him sick. His father’s face, for once, looked blank. No more anger – simply an empty face, with a parted mouth, slightly downturned brows. If Eren wasn’t a fool he would have mistaken the glistening in his eyes for tears.“You can’t control me. I’m not going to let you. I’m going to be free, Father. You can’t punch me and kick me until I do what you want anymore. I’m not your punching bag, I’m- I’m not your fucking perfect little boy, and I’m sorry, I am so sorry,” Eren choked, heaving through tears, letting his entire body tremble and shiver in the cold and the pain. His father took a step towards him, fists relaxed into palms, but Eren kept speaking.Visions of Levi’s smile, the ringing of his laugh, the warmth of his touch flooded his senses. In his delirious pain and aching sorrow he smiled. “He’s going to help me, Father.”At the word, his father’s steps stopped. He titled his head to the side, raising a brow, his muscles having gone stiff. “Who? Who is he, Eren? What are you talking about? Armin?”Eren shook his head. He continued to smile, drunk on the memories of Levi. “He’s so much better than Armin. You don’t understand. He’s going to help me be free.”Slowly, his father moved forward, reaching out to gently touch Eren’s shoulder. “What’s his name? What has he been telling you, Eren? Who is this person?”
Does he want to know about Levi?
Maybe he cares. Maybe he cares about how I feel. About my love.
A sigh slipped past him. Continuing to shake in the cold; yet Eren felt warm.“So many things,” Eren said in a murmur. “About the world.”“Tell me what he’s saying. Is he why you’re acting so strange?”Eren bared his teeth, brows furrowing as he shook his father’s hand off his shoulder. “I’m not acting strange! I’m just not letting you control me anymore.”“I- Eren, please, what is he telling you?”“You wouldn’t understand even if I told you,” Eren said, stepping further back from his father. “You’re too ignorant. You would refuse to accept the truth. To accept freedom.”“Whatever he’s saying, Eren, please, just tell me, is he lying to you?”“He’d never fucking lie to me!” Eren spat, heat rising in his veins at the mere suggestion that his most beloved, most adored, most ethereal Levi would ever lie to him. “You don’t understand! He’s perfect. He’d never hurt me. Unlike you!”His father took a step towards him, arm outstretched but Eren shook his head, stumbling back into the dark. To be touched by his father now would feel like poison, ice-cold and heartless on his skin, something that provided no love or adoration – something only given in this moment in an attempt to convince Eren to betray Levi. But Eren would never. Levi is more important than his mother, than his father, than his God – he’ll always keep their secret.“I am not coming home tonight. Don’t fucking look for me,” Eren said, voice cracking. His father’s face fell, and he shook his head at Eren as he continued to stumble forward.But Eren turned, and began to run. Ignoring the pain in his muscles, and the piercing stinging in his bones, his feet continue to hit the ground. The cold, night air raced past his face, pushing the hair off his forehead. His tears began to dry, cooling down his flushing cheeks.“Eren! Please! Come back!” His father yelled behind him.Even when everything ached, Eren was still faster than his father. Nearing the northern gate of the town square, Eren finally slowed down. Heaving, he leaned over, hands on his shaking knees as he sucked in the cool, night air. Lungs in his chest were burning, starved of oxygen, but the breaths soothed the stinging. It felt like a relief against the raw skin of his aching throat. Yet now that he had stopped moving, focused purely on continueing forward, the aching pain in his muscles were flooding back. Tomorrow morning, Eren would be covered in bruises, no doubt.But if everything went right – he’d also be able to wake up in Levi’s arms.Looking up at the night sky above, there were barely any stars. Snow clouds left it black, like an unpainted canvas, giving Eren barely any light to see ahead of him. It had been almost two weeks since the Mayor’s ball. Despite Rod Reiss having promised the townspeople of Shiganshina that police would be patrolling the streets throughout the night until Annie’s father was found, Eren had yet to see a single person. Nobody around. It was deserted.Until he stepped through the gates, focus shifting to the front of him.In the dark, he could barely make out what was happening. He blinked, squinting his eyes at what seemed to be figures in the middle of the town square. His heartbeat began to race, fingertips trembling as a heavy, thick knot formed in the back of his throat. A large, black figure laid on the ground, it’s silhouette faint in the dark. Two others stood over it.
I need to leave.
But I can’t go home.
Who are they?
In his rising panic, his legs turned to stone.One of the figures turned to look in his direction.Eren choked on his beating heart.It was as if the ticking of time had stopped. Nobody moved, no words were spoken. Air had vanished from his lungs and around him. Paranoia grew again, once more perching on his shoulder with slicked-up, bony claws and hallow eye sockets, injecting nothing but fear into Eren’s bloodstream. Even if Eren wanted to, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to run; muscles so tense the fibres could snap.Then, they moved.Not towards him, but away – scurrying through the town square, through the southern gates and out of sight. All except the figure on the ground. It stayed still, unmoving, unbreathing.Sobbing, Eren’s knees began to tremble. Inching forward his eyes darted around the dark, empty town square, waiting for someone to jump out in front of him. Falling snow made it even more difficult to see, but it also gave Eren comfort – he’d be able to hear it if anyone walked up behind him. The hair on the back of his neck stood as he slowly sauntered over to the figure, hyperaware of every tiny noise, the feeling of the cold snowflakes on his skin and his shallow, shaky breaths.“H… Hello?” Eren said with a cracked whisper as he neared the figure. He could make out pale, sunken features, and knotted blond hair. Stones forming in his stomach weighed him down, and he struggled to continue forward. A part of Eren knew. With tears, a sob escaped him as he stood in front of the lifeless, bloodied figure. He knew who it was.Levi was right.Sobs evolved into a raw, shattering scream as his knees buckled. Falling to the ground, Eren gripped at the cold snow in front of him and the edge of the man’s arms, not even noticing the melted and burned raw skin as Eren shook him in a pitiful attempt to awake him. Closer up, Eren could see the blood soaked through his clothes and the rips in them. Every heaving breath made his entire body tremble. Choking on his cries, Eren’s gaze skimmed over the dead man. The leg was twisted sickly, with white, bloodied bone jutting out at an odd angle around his ankles. No nails were on his toes or his fingertips, and numerous fingers and toes were missing – cut off bluntly, leaving uneven bone and muscle exposed.His mind was blank. Eren could hear himself screaming, but it sounded far away, like white noise.Bruises coloured the skin around his eye sockets and jaw. A split lip – down to the muscle – revealed cracked teeth. What looked like burns on his neck made Eren gag; the skin was boiled up, peeling off, melted. It smelt foul, as if he had been dead for much longer than hours. One eye was more sunken in than the other, the eyelid split, but too bloody for Eren to see if anything was underneath.What made Eren throw up on the ground, however, was the eerie, cruel smile that his lips had turned up into. It wasn’t cut into the skin, but it sat on the man’s face regardless. It looked foreign, uneasy, something that should not be on this man’s dead, beaten, broken body.A dead man should not be smiling.Everything began to spin. His brain and muscles felt starved of oxygen, but no matter how hard Eren breathed it wasn’t enough. In his delirious, panicked state he leaned forward, pressing down on the man’s chest, trying something his father had taught him as a child to restart his heart.Yet, to Eren’s sheer fright, instead of finding hard solid flesh beneath – there was nothing.His hands fell through.Cold blood gushed around his hands, soaking them, up to Eren’s arms. It overflowed the sides of the walls of the man’s body, staining the white snow with red. Bone stuck up against his hands. He could feel thick, solid organs beneath his touch.If Eren was not screaming before, he was now. It ripped through his raw, aching throat, a desperate plead to anyone around to save him, to help him; to knock him in the head so he could pass out and not have to look at the pure, utter horror before him and the smell the foulness of rotting flesh and blood.Pulling back, Eren thumped against the snow as he fell. Small, panicked yells left his lips as he scurried away, feeling his entire body tingle and tremble as the blood continued to soak the snow. It was no longer simply slipping out, it was pouring, like a running sink that couldn’t be turned off. It spattered up into the sky and all around him. It coated his skin in red, making Eren scream louder and louder and louder, barely able to focus on his blood-red hands as he lifted them to his face.“H-H-Help me!” Eren begged into the silence. Yet nobody was there at all.The man’s body began to violently shake, muscles stuck in spasms as the spine arched off the ground at a sickly angle. He could hear the cracks of bones, taunting and haunting.When the man stopped, and his head turned to Eren with that unnatural smile and dark, blooded eyes, his vision started to turn black.The world around him moved.Before passing out in the cold, the last thing Eren saw was the dead man’s smile.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Eren awoke, blinding white walls stared back at him.The room was cold, void of colour. Shiganshina Main Hospital – his father’s work. This was where Eren was. Eren was laid in a bed, with white cotton sheets pulled up under his shoulders. He blinked around the room to find nobody there with him, a wooden chair in the corner empty and the curtains to the outside world drawn closed. But sunlight trickled in beneath them, giving the blank room a soft warm glow.Each muscle of his body ached; a reminder of his father’s beating the night before.Oh.When he blinked again, flashes of red stained snow flicker underneath his eyelids. The smell of burnt skin and copper blood fill the air around him as he gagged on it, hands flying up to his throat. Cracking bone and the sound of his wretched screams ring in his ear, drowning out the white noise of the hospital, and all Eren can see before him is Mr Leonhart’s body, twisted and blooded and broken, crawling up the bed towards him. The corpse left blooded and burnt marks in its path as its eyes – hallow, blood-shot eyes – connected with Eren’s, and the deathly smile on his face twisted upwards.“Help! Help me!” Eren screamed, his throat still raw. His back hit the wall as he kicked his feet down, trying to push the corpse away from his trembling, cold body. The world around him began to spin as Eren grew sick on the smell of rotting, decaying flesh.The door to the hospital room slammed open.His father stood in the door frame, mouth falling agape as his gaze landed on Eren.Within moments he had strode over to the bed, hands gripping Eren’s shoulders tightly and shaking him. Eren watched as his father’s lips move with unheard words, eyes wide beneath his thin-rimmed glasses. Thick lines creased in his forehead as his expression turned down into a frown, but Eren continued to scream, continuing to see the dead body of Annie’s father on his bed.“Can’t you see it?” Eren gasped out, pointing behind his father, tears blurring his vision.More nurses had entered the room, syringes in their hands. When they rush to the bed Eren jolts back, eyeing them with suspicion, his fogged mind wanting to ask why nobody else had seen the dead man on his bed. But his tongue was unable to form the words, and all Eren could do was shake.“Eren, Eren, you need to breathe, you’re panicking,” His father murmured, reaching over to run a soothing hand through Eren’s hair. He nodded in the direction of a blonde nurse, who then gripped Eren’s arm and held it out straight. Another one behind her – with long, braided brown locks and thick rimmed glasses held a syringe up, holding it close to Eren’s skin.He thrashed around, another scream ripping through his throat.
They’ve found out. They’ve found out about Levi and I. They’re giving me medication. They’re going to try and fix me. That’s what this is for. This what – this what – what… what it for.
“I’m not sick!” Eren ripped his arm away, holding it close to his chest as he glared at the nurse’s face, watching as she anxiously glances between Eren’s father and him.His father shook his head, curling his fingers around Eren’s wrists in an attempt to pull his arm back. “Eren, you’re panicking, this is to help you feel calm!”“I’m not sick!” Eren repeated, his father’s words not processing at all. “Can’t you see him?”“See who?”“Mr Leonhart! He’s- He’s- He’s –”Eren tried to speak; fragmented thoughts made it impossible, however, as the words failed to form between his lips. The cracking bones and smell of burnt skin filled the room once more, echoing in Eren’s ears. The sounds and smells did not come from anywhere in particular – it was all around him, and the sounds pounded in his head as if not heard from outside at all. But Eren knew Mr Leonhart was behind his father, with his blooded eyes and dead smile. Maybe Eren couldn’t see the corpse right now, but it must mean that it had slithered off the bed, gone to hide in the darkness underneath.Where else would the dead man be?His father clicked his tongue, before reaching out to brush the fallen locks of hair out of Eren’s eyes.Eren flinched.A sigh fell from his father’s mouth and he shook his head, mumbling something to the nurses that Eren cannot catch. The two of them leave the room a moment after, and Eren relaxed a little in his seat. He was not going to be given medication. Levi was safe. Eren and Levi were safe.Levi… his lovely, lovely Levi – where was he?“Eren… do you remember what happened? After- After you ran away last night,” His father said in a soft tone, sitting down on the edge of the bed. A frown created creases between his brows.
Snow makes the world hazy. The body before him violently shakes, the blood spraying into the air, raining down on him and coating his skin in the cold, wet liquid. The man is smiling – a sick, dead, smile – and all Eren can think of is Levi as he slips into darkness.
“Eren?”“I found Annie’s father,” His words shake as he spoke. Arms come up to curl around his own chest, hugging himself tightly as flashes of the night before flicker across his eyes. Eren felt sick.“I need to leave,” He continued, thinking of his lover’s smile. Just as Levi told him – whenever Eren felt sad, angry, hurt, afraid – he had to think of Levi; Levi would make his world better again. “I have… to go find somebody. Discharge me.”The man before him sighed, shaking his head. “Eren… we- we found you passed out cold in the snow. You were lucky you didn’t catch frostbite. You’re clearly shaken up, and I think it is best that you stay here for maybe a day or two, to make sure your condition doesn’t worsen –”“I’m not sick!” Eren spat back, voice raised and gaze narrowed at his father. “Let me go.”His father ran a hand across his face, before staring up at the ceiling. “You are, Eren. Tell me – did you see Annie’s father before? In this room.”A shiver travelled down his spine. Eren gulped down, nodding slowly.“He’s not in this room, Eren.”“No, he is, I saw him.”“His body is in the morgue. He’s dead, Eren. He’s been dead for a few days, they believe. He was tortured and then poisoned by a hemlock plant. The only people in this room right now are you, and me. Nobody else.”Eren shook his head, pressing his back into the wall. Annie’s father was under the bed, waiting for his father to leave to choke the life out of Eren. Yet… at the same time, what his father said – it made sense. There was no way Mr Leonhart had survived his injuries. When the police found them, surely, they would have taken the dead man to the morgue.But he’s still under the bed. He has to be. Why wouldn’t he be?Levi would believe Eren. Levi would take him out of this place, and keep him safe, and tell him that he’d kill anyone who would ever try to hurt Eren.“Eren, you’re unwell. You’re hallucinating. It’s… it’s okay, it happens to a lot of people who see things that you saw last night. But you’ll be okay, we’re going to give you some medication and pray to our Lord. Rest a little, and in a few days you'll be feeling better.”“I’m not sick,” Eren repeated again, gaze falling to the white sheets on the bed. Before there had been bloodied hand marks and scruff marks of where ash from burnt skin had rubbed against them.Now, they were crystal clean. White. Untouched.“I know it can be difficult to accept, Eren.”The words, I’m not sick, were on the tip of his tongue. He held back, avoiding his father’s gaze as he brought his knees to his chest. No matter what Eren said, his father would not believe him. Of course he wouldn’t. Eren’s father hurt Eren, and he did not love him like Levi loved Eren. He was a liar.His father sighed, letting his gaze fall to the ground. "Eren... did- did you see anyone? When... when you found him. The military police needs to know."
Figures hovering over the dead man. They turn to face him. Nobody does anything, and then they move, running into the darkness.
"No. I saw nothing." Four days after the incident, Eren was finally allowed to go back to his family’s house. Each night he had awoken with screams, dreams of Annie’s father crawling through the snow haunting his sleep. Each night he had been forcibly medicated by his father into a dazed, sluggish state. It was only then that Eren was able to rest.Still, his father was right about Eren feeling slightly better. The hallucinations of Mr Leonhart had stopped. There were only the nightmares, now. Two days after returning home, and almost a week after the incident, Eren decided to find Levi.There had been no news from his lover. In fact, Eren had heard… no news about anything, except for what his father had said about Mr Leonhart’s body (though, a part of Eren was still certain that the corpse waited in the hospital, hiding under the beds). Mikasa had let it slip to him that Annie’s family were having a funeral on the Sunday. It wasn't clear if Eren had been invited, or not. He wasn’t sure if he could manage to go, anyway. His mind conjured up nightmares of Mr Leonhart crawling out of the coffin, stumbling his way over to Eren and drowning him in blood. Sitting in the funeral service for hours – Eren did not think he would manage not to panic.Throughout the days at home, Eren was treated as if he was a doll. Barely spoken to. Any touch was soft, delicate, gentle, as if he’d crack if they were too rough. It frustrated him. It made Eren feel weak. Untrusted. Being treated as if he was a naïve child had always made Eren grow red with anger.At home, Eren felt like he was sufforcating. Nobody allowed him outside the house - not even to visit Armin - making the place feel like a giant cage. Historia and Rod Reiss' names were not mentioned once, but by his mother's hesistant glances and wary eyes, Eren knew she wanted to ask. Eren wished she would just do it, so he could tell her how thinking of marrying a woman made him want to be sick.Then it was with how his father was soft and gentle with him, as if Eren still did not have the deep, black bruises across his skin from where he’d been beaten days earlier. It was all fake, done as if only to make sure Eren didn’t slip into a emotionally unstable state and hallucinate once more like his father had claimed he did. To make sure Eren didn’t slip out the door during the middle of the night and leave.It was at dinner on the sixth day – the day that Eren had planned to go find his lover – when his father said something that finally made Eren snap.“Eren,” His father started, putting down his utensils and dabbing the corner of his mouth with a napkin. “I have been wanting to tell you something.”In return, Eren raised a brow, but his gaze still stayed fixated on the untouched plate of soup and bread in front of him. His sister and mother were silent beside him, as if his family had already discussed whatever his father was about to say beforehand, and now they were waiting for it. Lantern light flickered on the table as the snow fell to the ground outside, coating the city in white, reminding Eren all too much of a week ago.“Your mother and I have talked. Whilst… we were, of course, glad that you originally agreed to work alongside me at the clinic –”Eren bit his lip hard enough to draw blood.Knuckles turned white where they clenched the utensils in his hand.The clinic. After all that had happened in the past month, Eren had forgotten about it completely.“With your current condition,” His father continued, clearing his throat as he drew in a harsh breath. “We have decided that perhaps it is best that you do not. For now, at least.”
I don’t have to work there?
The corners of Eren’s lips tugged up into the first genuine smile of the week. Relaxing his shoulders, he breathed out in relief, swallowing the taste of metallic blood in his mouth.“Oh thank fuck,” Eren muttered.His father blinked. “Excuse me?”“Sorry,” Eren stuttered, glancing up at his father from the corner of his eye. He hunched over in his seat, twiddling with the utensils in his hands. “I… didn’t mean to say that.”From the other end of the table, his mother said: “You sound like you’re relieved.”“It’s… not that,” Eren shook his head. Liar. “Like… like you said. I’m sick, aren’t I?”Mikasa reached out to rest her hand on top of hers, a small smile across her face. She shook her head lightly, a frown causing her brows to furrow. “You’re going to be okay, Eren.”The gentle touch of her hand made Eren's toes curl as an urge to shove her off him got under his skin like an itch. He gritted his teeth, breathing harshly through his nose.“But father said I keep seeing things that aren’t here. Like Mr Leonhart’s body.”The man drew in a hasted breath. “Eren… let’s- let’s just focus on the positive.”“Really? Wow, that’s a first. What do you usually say, father?” Eren twisted in his seat, cocking his head to the side. The irritated, bitter side of him edged him forward, whispering him to keep talking, and so he did with a sly smile across his lips. “That God has a plan for everyone. I guess this is just his plan for me. To get sick, to see things that aren’t real, to be treated like a freak by my family!”“Eren!” His mother gasped. The sound of the chair scraping against the wooden floors could be heard as she stood from her seat, mouth agape as she pushed her hands flat against the table. “Do not say such foolish things. Stop being so quick to be angered. Nobody… nobody is blaming you for being sick, sweetheart, and nobody is treating you like a freak! You’re just unwell. We just want you to recover as soon as possible.”
They’re lying. They just want to control you.
They think you’re sick because you are becoming free.
A bitter laugh left Eren’s lips. He shook his head, leaning back in the seat. With a narrowed, resentful gaze he looked to his mother. The woman’s hair was frayed and un-brushed, messily braided to the side. Deep circles underlined her hazel eyes, and with the frown she wore it showed her age – the creases in her forehead becoming visible. Her tired, distressed expression pulled at Eren’s heart; it was almost as if she was worried for him, as if she really did just want Eren to feel better.But then he remembered Levi’s words, and what he had been telling Eren for months now.The only reason his mother would be worried was because Eren was no longer following their orders. He was no longer obeying them, no longer fearful of the consequences of his actions.Slowly, Eren had broken the chains they wrapped around him, and now it made them regretful.“Listen to your mother, Eren. We just want you to feel better. You worried us sick when you… when you left. I looked for you for hours. When they found you in the square… When I saw you there, I…” His father stuttered, choking on his words. Eren watched as the man closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he dragged a hand down his face. Alike Eren’s mother, his father had dark circles. Wrinkles were etched into his skin, showing his age – something Eren had not noticed before.His father met Eren’s gaze. His eyes were glassy, reflecting the lantern light.“I thought you were dead, in the snow. I was terrified, Eren. You scared me.”It seemed like the world slowed around him. Eren blinked, unable to form the words on his tongue that ran through his racing mind. Mixed in with the white noise of his own thoughts he could hear his mother saying something with thick words, as if she was holding back tears.He watched as his father’s lips trembled, and he turned his head to the ground beneath them.Mikasa’s hand returned to its previous position – on top of his, holding tightly.“Dead?” Eren muttered. The only response was his father’s brief nod.“We were so worried, Eren,” Mikasa’s words were soft, spoken quietly beside him.
Worried?
The word made a bitter anger creep up inside him.If his family were worried, then his father would have never beaten him. They wouldn’t have told him to marry a girl, to marry his friend without asking Eren how he felt about it. Mikasa would have stood up for Eren, like Eren would have defended her if his mother and father told her to marry someone she did not want to. Various opportunities have passed in which Eren’s family could have shown their supposed worry for Eren, and yet, they had done nothing.How could they lie to him so openly? Did they have no shame?A family that worried would never have yelled at Eren. His father beat him, kicked him into the snow until it hurt to breathe. Mikasa and his mother would have heard his cries, his yells, and they stayed inside and did nothing to stop it. And there was no doubt that Mikasa knew about the arrangement with the Reiss family before Eren did, and she stood by and let it happen.Eren rolled his eyes, clutching the utensils till his knuckles are bone-white.Worried about him?
What a joke.
“Liar,” He spat, standing up in his seat. “Worried about me? Really? Am I supposed to fucking believe you? I’m sorry. You’ll have to come up with something more believable.”“Eren!” His father snapped.“What? What is it, father? Are you going to punch me again, hey? And then cry to me about how you were so scared seeing me laying in the snow?” Eren cocked his head to the side, a delirious smile curling on his lips. Whispers of his subconsciousness echoed in his head, praising him for his actions. The heat of the anger warmed him, curling around him, edging him on. It no longer felt cold; Eren felt hot, as if he was about to burn everything he touched.He needed to leave. He needed to find Levi.Levi would understand Eren. Levi would make Eren feel better again.“Don’t speak to your father like that!”“Or what?” Eren twisted around, raising a brow in his mother’s direction. “What about you, mother? Will you slap me too? Tell me how disappointed you are in me because I’m the burden of this fucking family, and then cry on my shoulder because I’m sick and it’s embarrassing for you?”“It’s not embarrassing!”“Then why has nobody come over?” Eren shouted, slamming the table, making the plates jump. “Why haven’t I been able to go to school? Why haven’t I been allowed to see Armin? Why did nobody visit me in the hospital except that first day? Why are you treating me like I’m about to break any second? I’m not some fucking doll! I’m your son! Tell me the truth!”“We are just worried about you, Eren!” Mikasa gasped out, rising from her seat as well. Her hand came to rest on Eren’s shoulder in a gesture that, perhaps in the summer he would have found comforting. But he shook it off now, the touch too heavy and too pitiful.“Listen to your sister. Please, calm down, Eren. There is no need to be so angry. We are just worried. Remember what the doctors told you, in regards to your anger?” His father said in a hesitant tone, his hand reaching out to grasp at Eren’s arm. “Control it –” Not holding back, Eren rolled his eyes, flicking his arm to get rid of his father’s touch. He stepped back from the table, narrowing his eyes at his family before him. “Shut the fuck up.”With glistening eyes, his mother shook her head. “Eren, stop this.”
Levi kisses his forehead, holding Eren’s hand in his. “You’re allowed to be angry. Anger is good. Anger is a human emotion. You should never feel punished for it.”
“They’ve told me I need to control it,” Eren sighs, leaning his head against the older boy’s shoulder. The leaves of the cherry blossom tree fall down, and sounds of bicycles and children laughing by the river fill the air. The light is dimming. Eren would need to go home soon.
“Because they want to control you,” Levi says. “Listen to me, Eren. Don’t you want to be free?”
Eren shouted, “Why should I control my anger, anyway? You just say that to control me!”Continuing to step back, Eren ignored the words of his parents. He turned his back, stepping out to the hallway and rushing towards the door. With clenched fists the door was slammed open, letting in the cold breeze from outside. Snowflakes dusted the floor, making Eren shiver in the night air.The street was dark, isolated, quiet.Rushed footsteps came from behind him. “Eren, sweetheart, what are you doing? Get back here!”His mother’s grip on his shoulder was harsh, her nails digging into the skin, making Eren wince. “Don’t leave, darling.”“Can you really stop me?” Eren mumbled, gaze still fixated on the dark street. His breaths were heavy, hot; breathing out the steam from the fire that burned inside of him.He needed to leave.He would not be safe until he was with Levi again.He was not understood here.There was no reply to the question Eren asked. The sound of Mikasa’s and his father’s heavy footsteps come from behind him, and the man’s frustrated gaze burned into his back. Goosebumps rise on Eren’s skin as he stood in front of the open door, stiff, waiting for someone to make a move.“Eren, just close the door. You’re letting the cold air in. Come back to the table, and we can sort this all out,” Mikasa said. Her words are said in a desperate tone, a silent plead for Eren to listen. It was so motherly, like she had always been. It made Eren want to laugh at her. It made his hands shake. But why should Eren listen to Mikasa? She would never accept the truth. She would never protect Eren like he’d protect her. In her eyes, and in the eyes of their mother and father, Eren would always be second. Why should he listen to any of them?For years, Eren had tried to be everything they wanted.He was tired.So, so tired.Taking a step forward, Eren took notice of the way his mother’s grip tightened.“You are not going anywhere,” She said, breath tingling the skin on his neck, words dripping with venom. It was a warning, a threat; vastly different to the soft pleads and sweetheart’s of before. “Eren, you are sick. You’re not thinking properly.”“I’m thinking fine,” Eren hissed. It was clear what Eren had to do. He had to find Levi. He had to go back to the café, or Levi’s home, and find safety in Levi’s arms. Levi would keep him safe. Levi would protect him. Levi wouldn’t drug him to stop the nightmares, he’d comfort him until Eren fell asleep again. Levi wouldn’t keep him hidden from the world, stuck inside the cage of the house until Eren was well again. Levi loved Eren.And Eren loved Levi.More than anyone else in the world.“Who is he, Eren? That person you mentioned the night you ran away,” His father asked. The floorboards creak as his weight shifted forward. “I’m guessing this man has something to do with your behaviour. Perhaps he’s the reason you’re being so disobedient.”“He mentioned a man, too?” Mikasa said with a slight gasp.Eren’s fists begin to shake. His throat tightened.“Months ago,” His sister continued, speaking of those moments shared between them as if they were not private, “Eren said a man told him it was okay to say cursed, sinful words.”He gritted his teeth. Betrayal twisted around him, making his chest ache. He blinked away quiet tears, feeling his nails ding cresent-shaped wounds into the skin of his scarred palms. Whislt Eren had known Mikasa would always chose their parents over him, to see her say something they had kept a secret for months so easily stung, as if his entire body had been pricked with a thousand needles.“That explains... many things. Eren,” It was his mother who spoke, leaning forward to whisper in his ear. “Tell us who this man is, sweetheart. What has he done to you?”It was difficult to speak, for his mouth had run dry. Each part of him begged to run away now, to push his mother’s hand off his shoulder and to run out into the snow. Yet alas, his bitter anger burned at his mother’s words; and anger had always controlled Eren.“Nothing. He’s done nothing.”“What’s his name, Eren?”“I’ll never tell you,” Eren whispered, the words tight in his throat. “You’ll never understand.”“You said this man is helping you be free,” His father said.“Because he is. He understands me. Nobody else does.”“Sweetheart,” The harsh grip on his shoulder loosened. His mother instead leaned her head against it, wrapping her arms around her son’s waist. It made Eren want to squirm; feeling uneasy at the sudden affection. His mother never hugged him. She was not the touching type. The woman continued, “Please just tell us his name. I promise nothing bad is going to happen.”Tears welled up in Eren’s eyes. Swallowing down a knot in the back of his throat, knees buckled under the ache that spread throughout his chest, limbs, body. When he spoke, the words croaked. “But how am I meant to trust you? You’ve lied to me.”“We’ve only ever wanted the best for you.”Eren bit his lip, shaking his head as a bitter laugh rises up in his throat. “That’s not true. You didn’t even believe me when I received higher grades than Mikasa. How many times have you called me a disappointment, mother? I can’t even keep count.”“It’s just to motivate you,” Her reply is quick and brisk. Eren did not miss the annoyance in her tone.“Bullshit.”Her grip around his waist tightened.“You’ve never let me be my own person,” Eren muttered. “I’ve always had to be what you wanted me to be. And now that I’m finally trying to find myself, you hate it.”“Enough with this,” His father snapped. “Just tell us the man’s name! He’s clearly the reason you are acting so childish, disobeying us and the Lord! Tell us now, Eren!”“Or what?” Eren snarled, taking a step forward. Roughly he grabbed his mother’s hands, ripping her off from him and twisting around to face his family before him. “I’ll never tell you his name. I would rather be killed then tell you who he is!”“Is he really more important than us?” Mikasa’s voice is small. A frown is etched deep into her expression. She held her arms close to her, her body shivering in the cold air. Eren’s face remained blank, even at seeing his sister blink away tears. The sting of her betrayal blinded any empathy that remained for the girl. Her lip quivered, “More important than your family?”It was meant to be upsetting. It was meant to get Eren to confess. It was meant to make him stay.A sly smile curled Eren’s lips.They didn’t know Levi like Eren did. They didn’t know about their love, and how they’d promised to be by each other’s side forever. They didn’t know about how gentle Levi was, and how soft his kisses were, and how loved and needed Levi made Eren feel. It would be foolish for Eren to say his family were more important than the boy who made his world feel complete, who made Eren feel so overwhelmed with love that it was all he could think about.He could tell them the truth. He could say yes, that Levi was more important than them. But what was the point? It would not achieve anything. All his mother and father and sister would do then was try to tell Eren that Levi had lied to him, that he had changed him or some other lie made up to make Eren doubt his most beloved.Glancing over his shoulder, the street outside was dark. It was nearing eight thirty in the evening. The Jaeger family would be going to bed soon.In the dark, resting against the stairs of the house across the street, Eren can barely make out the outline of a bony, decayed corpse. A sick, dead smile was casted in Eren’s direction.He shivered.Perhaps, it would be better to wait.Nobody could stop him when they are all asleep.And if needed, Eren could bring one of his mother’s knives. The dead man can’t hurt him then.His parents and sister mistook Eren’s retreat back into the dining room as them being more important. It wasn’t true; but Eren would let them believe that it was, if it meant it made things easier for him. It was quiet when he sat down at the table. The others followed, and nobody spoke a word when Eren started taking sips of the now-cold pumpkin soup, as if nothing had happened at all.“I think we should continue this conversation in the morning, right, Eren?” His mother’s voice was sickly sweet. The smile on her face was forced, not reaching her tired eyes. But Eren nodded, deciding for now it was best to let them think everything was okay.“We love you, Eren. You know we just want the best for you,” His father said from beside him.Controlling the urge to roll his eyes, Eren hummed. “Yeah, I know.”Liars. It was well past midnight when Eren creeped down the stairs, keeping to the side to avoid the creaks of the floorboards. Stopping in the hallway, he hesitated before sneaking to the kitchen and pulling out the largest knife that his mother owned. Earlier was the first time he had hallucinated since he had returned home. Whislt Eren knew that Mr Leonhart was rotting in the morgue, paranioa still left him on edge. Just in case.Wearing the black sweater Levi had given him weeks ago, hands tremble as they open the door to the quiet street outside. The snowfall has stopped. No dead man rested against the stairs of the neighbouring house. No footsteps were seen in the snow.Taking a deep breath, Eren stepped outside, and closed the door quietly behind him. He wasn’t sure when he would be returning home, but he brought no belongings with him apart from the knife.Perhaps it would be in some hours of the morning. Or a few days from now.As long as Eren saw Levi. That’s all he needed. Even if it was only for a few hours.The trip to Hanji’s café on the southern side was one taken in haste. Each sound seemed to echo, making Eren clutch his knife and hold it outwards as he swung around, constantly checking behind him as his heart pounded heavily in his chest.Reaching the gates of the town square made him unable to breathe, his throat tightening up and flashes of haunted memories appearing behind his eyes every time he blinked. Eren scurried through the town square, tears rolling off his chin as paranoid thoughts crept up beside him with every step.When Hanji’s café finally came into view, Eren breathed in relief, letting his shaking hands fall to the side – one still gripped tightly onto the kitchen knife. The café had the glow of soft lantern light peaking through the curtains and grey smoke contrasing against the black sky, telling Eren that at least somebody was inside. Maybe it was a little odd that they’d still be there at this late of the night, but Eren had recalled Levi telling him they often spent nights drinking inside the café, so he did not dwell on the thought.Every limb shook – from cold, exhaustion and fear – as he knocked on the door.Having Levi open it before him a few minutes later, eyes narrowed and hair pushed back, Eren immediately felt his body relax at the sight of his lover. The knife dropped to the snow beneath his feet. Adoration washed over him, numbing his senses, and Eren pushed himself forward to embrace the boy, wrapping his arms around Levi's waist. He didn’t even notice the gun in Levi’s hand, or the empty table behind them with half-drunken shots.“Eren? What- What are you doing here?” Levi stuttered out, expression softening at seeing Eren. “I… I didn’t know you were coming?”“Levi,” Eren spoke his name gently, leaning back. He ran his hands up through Levi’s hair, leaning his forehead against his lover’s. He kissed him, soft and tenderly. Tears started to well up in his eyes again, and Eren couldn’t hide the quiet whines and cries that formed in the back of his throat. “It’s… been such a horrible week.”“Damn, fuck- Eren,” Levi took a step back into the warmth of the café, pulling Eren inside with him. There was a clanking sound as he placed something down on one of the booth tables next to him, but Eren didn’t pay attention to it. “You’re freezing. Come inside, sit… sit down.”“Eren?” Hanji’s voice called out. Eren looked up from Levi’s shoulder to see her leaning against the counter. Behind her, Furlan, Isabel, Kenny and Erwin all push through the swinging doors from the back kitchen. “Why are you here? Wait- you’re crying? Is everything okay?”Levi guided Eren to a seat. “Sit, baby. Tell me what’s going on.”Eren’s lip trembled, his chest aching as tears continue to roll down his cold-flushed cheeks. The others join the table, looks of confusion and furrowed brows being casted his way. Kenny gathered papers from the middle and shoved them in his lap, and then grabbed an empty shot glass and poured brown liquid – whiskey – into it. He pushed it towards Eren with a nod. “Have some, kid. Looks like ya' need it.”Levi sat next to him, his arm draped around Eren’s shoulder. Taking the alcohol with a muttered thank you, Eren drowned it down, wincing at the burn of it. He need the alcohol, however. He needed something to help him forget everything that had happened.“What’s wrong? Something must be bad if you’ve turned up here unannounced at one in the morning,” Isabel said from where she sat across from him. She wore a thick blue jacket, and leaned against Furlan’s shoulder. She raised a brow in his direction; not in a frustrated way, but simply curiously.“Did… did I interrupt something?” Eren asked, sniffling as he looked over the messy table. Kenny had removed the papers, but there were pencils and markers skewed all over.“Nothing to worry about, angel. Now, tell me, what’s happened?” Levi leaned forward, kissing Eren softly on his temple. He whispered in his ear, “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. I missed you.”Blush rose to Eren’s cheeks. Under the table, his hand found Levi’s.“I don’t know where to start,” Eren said. “Like I said. It’s been a long week.”“We’ve got the time, Eren,” Erwin spoke. He sat tall next to Kenny, a cigar burning between his fingertips. In a thick, leather jacket, Erwin looked different to all the times Eren had seen him in school.“Just start from the beginning, baby. Tell us everything.”Levi’s hand rubbed circles into the palm of Eren’s hand. Breathing in deeply, relaxing into the warmth of the café air, Eren listened to the crackling of the fire as he let himself gather his thoughts. The others watched – waiting, but patient – lazily draped in their chairs as if they knew Eren was coming all along.At Levi giving his hand a reassuring squeeze, Eren started to speak. “Well, it started when my mother and father invited Rod Reiss and his daughter to dinner.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“They- They fucking what?” Levi gripped his hand tight, brows furrowing into a frown. “What the fuck?”Eren nodded, a sigh leaving his lips before he leaned against Levi’s shoulder. Sitting around the table, the others were quiet. Lanterns flickered throughout the café, leaving them in dim, yellow light. “Yeah. Nobody even said anything, they all just looked so… happy. Like I’d be happy for this.”“How old is this Historia girl?” Farlan said, before drowning another shot of whiskey.“She’s fourteen.”“Fucking hell,” Hanji spoke, shaking her head as she pushed herself back into the wooden chair.Eren shrugged, glancing around the table at the faces before him. Kenny looked blank, having not spoken a word at all. Breathing in smoke from a cigar Erwin had lit for him, Kenny had leaned back in his chair, kicking his feet up to the table. Beside him was Eren’s teacher, and from the frown in his expression and the slight scowl, it seemed he was just as disgusted as Eren was at the thought of Eren having to marry Historia.“What’d you do?” Isabel said.“I… I told them I’m not going to marry her,” Eren replied, his leg jittering under the table as the memories came forward. The bruises were still faint on his skin, a reminder of that night, even after a week had passed. “And then father dragged me out of the house and kicked me in the snow until I couldn’t breathe.”“I fucking hate your father,” Levi muttered beside him. His lover reached out to grasp the bottle of whiskey, unscrewing the cap and filling up two shot glasses. He drowned one, before nudging the other to Eren – which he took with a small smile. “If I ever see him I don’t think I could stop myself from breaking his jaw.”“I wouldn’t stop you,” Eren muttered.“And what happened after he beat ya’?” Kenny spoke up, nodding in Eren’s direction. Smoke blew from his lips, twirling around before disappearing into the air.His shoulders fell. Leaning further into Levi’s warmth, Eren bit his lip, down-casting his gaze as he remembered the moments after. The moments between the beating and finding the corpse were blurred, barely pierced together in Eren’s memories. All he could focus on was the moment that he saw Mr Leonhart. The dead man’s smile, and the figures that surrounded him. “Kenny, you don’t need to ask that –”“No, it’s okay,” Eren cut Erwin off, giving his teacher a half-smile. “It’s… it’s just… awful.”“How so?” Kenny raised a brow.“I…” Eren sighed, gaze falling to where Levi held his hand beneath the table. The group had gone quiet, all waiting for Eren to speak. With trembling lips and a shaking heart, he continued to speak. “I wanted to go find you, Levi. So I left. But… but in the town square…”Isabel bit her lip, gaze shifting between Kenny and Levi. Out of the corner of his eye, Eren could see the way Levi clenched and unclenched his jaw, his spare hand gripping the edge of the table with white knuckles.“So, what did ya’ saw?” Kenny pestered again. Eren squirmed in his seat, rubbing his arm with a spare hand, jittering his leg underneath the table. The eyes of the others burned into him, silent and anticipating Eren’s answer. But what could he say? What could he say that wouldn’t spiral him into panic? What if he started hallucinating again?“There were people in the square, looking over this… person,” Eren mumbled.“Did ya’ see their faces?”Eren looked up to Kenny. The older man drew in a dragging breath from the cigar. When he exhaled, the smoke twirled around, clouding Kenny’s face. He seemed calm and content reclining in his chair, whilst everyone else in the room was stiff and silent with straight backs. It was vastly opposite to all the other times he had seen Levi’s uncle, and had been greeted with a grin and cheeky winks.Realising that the older man was still waiting for Eren to answer, he shook his head. “No. It was too dark and the snow made it hard to see that far.”“Did the police ask ya’ about them?”“My father did,” Eren said. His lover gripped his hand closer. “But I said I didn’t see anyone.”“Hmm?” Kenny leaned forward in his chair, elbows rested on the table. The cigar was placed, burning, between his lips. He raised a bushy brow in Eren’s direction, and gave a quick nod. “Why?”“Well…” Eren started, shifting his gaze to where Levi sat beside him. A small smile curled on his lips as he looked at his lover. “I… I was wondering if it were the Ackermans. I didn’t think Levi would want me to tell my father about it, if it was them.”Levi let out a small hum, turning his head to look at Eren with that same, wicked smirk that made Eren’s heart race and cheeks go red with blush. He leaned forward, and for a split second Eren thought his lover was about to kiss him in front of his family and closest friends. It made his heart beat like a jack hammer in his chest, sparks of anticipation jolting out from under his skin.Yet at the last second Levi moved, whispering in Eren’s ear: “Good boy.”Eren pushed his thighs together, drawing in a harsh breath. Every time Levi praised him in that low voice, with the same half-lidded eyes and delicious smirk, Eren felt his entire body grow warm. “Was that the… right thing to do?”Perhaps Levi noticed the changes in Eren’s behaviour. His hand slipped from Eren’s grasp, and instead slid between his upper thighs. It didn’t move, but the heat made Eren’s stomach coil and cheeks grow even more flushed. “It was.”“What else did you see, Eren?” Kenny asked, leaning his chin in the palm of his hand. “Just figures?”“Kenny, we don’t need to ask him,” Erwin said in a harsh whisper, but Eren shook his head.“It’s okay, Erwin!” Eren said, letting out a nervous chuckle. “It… I just… saw some… bad things… That’s all. Just… I- Well. All the figures left, except the one on the ground. But they looked at me. Before... before they left. They knew I was there." Beside him Levi stiffened suddenly, his head lifting up sharply. “Holy fucking shit.”Shutting his mouth, Eren looked to his lover. Levi’s jaw was clenched; knuckles bone white as narrowed eyes glared straight ahead at Kenny. Brows had become furrowed, forming a deep crease between them. His teeth were gritted and bared in a snarl. His entire demeanour had shifted from a moment ago, where he had slipped his hand between Eren’s thighs and praised him quietly.Kenny raised a brow, a soft smirk curling his lips. “What is it?”With a slam, Levi stood. Hands were slapped against the table, the sound loud enough to make Eren flinch in his seat. “Are you fucking kidding me, Kenny?”Levi wasn’t yelling, but his voice was that alike to a growl as he leaned over the table, fists shaking. Each part of him was tense, defensive, but Eren could not figure out why. Beside him Hanji stood, hands up in a calming gesture. “Boys, boys, calm down-”“Did you know about this, Hanji?” Levi’s head snapped to the direction of her voice. Apart from his shaking fists, there was little movement in his body; face blank but still showing the fury that burned inside of him. It made Eren sat stiff in disbelief. Never before had he seen Levi furious, so livid and burning with rage, and now he can see it all before him – laid out for the world to see – with nothing at all to hide. “Tell me you didn’t fucking know about this!”“I didn’t! I swear I didn’t!” The woman begged, rounding the table. She stood behind Levi, hands hesitantly resting on his shoulders. “I wouldn’t have allowed it to happen if I knew.”“Don’t get soft,” Kenny muttered.“Shut the fuck up, Kenny! That wasn’t part of the plan!” Levi shouted, and shoved off Hanji’s touch with a rough shrug of the shoulders. With a shaking fist Levi slammed the table with enough force to make the glasses jump. No longer did Eren’s heart race from adoration and lovesickness, it now beat with fear, confusion, and uncertainty. Was it Eren that made Levi so furious?Tears blur his vision as his heart twisted in his chest, the familiar ache spreading throughout him as if he’d been pricked with a thousand needles. After all, it was after Eren spoke that Levi became so angry. It must have been something Eren said. There was no other explanation that Eren could figure up in this situation, with the shouting around him making it difficult to think.Pointing a finger at Erwin, Isabel and Farlan, Levi spat out words with a venomous tone. “Did you three know about this? Tell me the fucking truth, now!”“L-Levi…” Eren stuttered, reaching up to tug on the sleeve of his lover’s leather jacket. It caused him to stiffen, face snapping in Eren’s direction at the touch. “I’m sorry…”His lover’s face fell, but it was still hard – firm, blank – only showing in a flicker of emotion in his eyes and the way his lips tugged up into a small, comforting smile. Moving his hand to hold Eren’s instead, he gave it a squeeze.“Don’t apologise. I’m not angry because of you. You’ve done nothing wrong,” Levi’s words were strong, spoken with a sense of authority and confidence. It didn’t seem directed entirely at Eren, spoken too loud and too precise, as if he wanted everyone at the table to hear what he had said.In the background Kenny shook his head, letting a sigh escape his lips before he took a long drag of the burning cigar. Nobody else moved or spoke a word, still too stiff as if they’d sat in concrete. But Eren cried, sniffling and hiccupping over seeing his lover so furious and hot-blooded over something Eren saw as his own fault. The alcohol running through his veins didn’t aid in stopping his tears; he always felt more emotional when intoxicated with liquor.“I-I saw Mr Leonhart,” Eren gasped out, squeezing his eyes closed, feeling his limbs shake. Flashes of the memories flickered behind his eyes, making his heart beat fast. “That is what I was going to say. I saw him on the ground. There- There- There was so much blood, and it smelt so awful.”Beside him, Hanji took a shark intake of breath. Levi’s thumb brushed over the palm of his hand, and the chair scraped against the floor as he took a seat once more. With Levi pressed to his side, Eren pushed even further into the touch. Tears still slipped past his closed eyes, sliding down his flushed cheeks, but with Levi next to him, it reassured Eren that he had done nothing wrong.A hand reached up to brush away the tears. Levi spoke soft into his ear, “If I was there, I would have made sure that you didn’t see that. It’s too graphic… for you.”“I was just trying to- to find you,” Eren hiccupped.“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know,” Levi kissed his cheek, holding Eren’s hand with both of his.Kenny sucked in the smoke from his cigar, tapping the ashes on the table. His lined lips are pressed into a thin line, eyes narrowed and unblinking as he looked in their pair’s direction. “Must have been a little bit shocking for ya’. Guess ya’ haven’t seen a dead body, before?”Gulping down the knot in his throat, Eren shook his head. It was an odd thing to say, an assumption behind the words that everyone else in the room had already seen a dead body before. But Eren didn’t air his thoughts, passing it off as simple paranoia. “I- I- I saw Bertholdt, though.”“Don’t think about it,” Levi said in a whisper, before turning his head and sending daggering glares to the others around the table. “I can’t believe none of you fucking told me. Didn’t you think that perhaps it would be a good idea to fucking tell me that you knew Eren saw a goddamn dead body?”“Fucking hell,” Kenny rolled his eyes. He grabbed the neck of the bottle of whiskey, and poured himself a shot. Taking out the cigar from between his lips, he drowned the alcohol. Putting down the empty glass with the smack of his lips, he said: “I mean, if I knew ya’d be such a wuss, yeah.”Eren felt his body shake.“He’s my fucking boyfriend, Kenny!”“I didn’t think ya’ two were serious!” The man slammed the glass on the table. It cracked, sending fine shattered lines throughout the glass. “I thought it was just some sort of joke! Didn’t think you’d actually be all lovey-dovey with him!”“For fuck sakes, Kenny! Damn, did you need to see them suck each other’s dicks to believe it was serious?” Hanji snapped back, slamming her hand on the table from where she sat. Eren blushed at the vulgar words, trying to hide his face behind Levi’s shoulder.“Hanji and Levi are right,” Erwin said, voice deep and calm unlike the others. His cigar was burned out, reduced to a tiny stub. Clearing his throat, he glanced around the table, momentarily locking his eyes with Eren’s. “It was a bit too far. He’s going to be quite traumatised, now.”I’m right here, Eren wanted to say.The words they spoke made no sense, and no matter how many times Eren went over it in his head he didn’t understand why they were so furious; why they were shouting, why Eren was involved in it. It seemed as if a piece of this puzzle was missing, and without it Eren was left in the dark.Regardless of any attempt from Erwin or Farlan to calm Hanji, Kenny and Levi, the trio continued to snap bitter rebuttals in each other’s direction, voices quick to rise to a shout once more.Their voices were loud, snarling and spoken with venomous tones. It reminded Eren of his father, and the mere thought made his chest tighten so painfully that it felt that he could not breathe at all. In a panic his gaze darted around the table, and he gripped Levi’s hand so hard he knew it pained his lover.Abruptly slamming her palm against the table, Isabel stunned them into silence. The sound echoed throughout the café, silencing the shouting trio. She sighed, running a hand through her fiery red hair, before sending a glare in no particular direction. “Can you all shut the fuck up? You’re scaring Eren.”Blinking away tears, Eren sucked in a shaking breath. “I’m sorry to make you fight…”“It’s not your fault, Eren,” Farlan said with a dismissive hand gesture, “Everyone is just a little on edge, I suppose. They’ve been snapping at each other all day. It’s nothing you’ve done.”Erwin let out a sigh, finishing off his cigar and tapping the ashes into a pile on the table. He raised a brow in Kenny’s direction, before replying. “Some people just need to work on their communication.”The old man rolled his eyes at Erwin, cigar still between his lips as he crossed his arms over his chest. But he didn’t speak, and didn’t shoot a sarcastic comment in Erwin’s face.Beside him, Levi exhaled deeply, relaxing his tense muscles and the tight grip on the corner of the table. He pulled their intertwined hands into his own lap, leaning towards Eren and pressing a soft, gentle kiss on his cheek. With his spare hand, he reached up to wipe away the silent tears that rolled down Eren’s flushed cheeks. “Don’t cry, baby. I’m sorry. I was just a little… frustrated. Nobody told me about what happened to you.”“Ha, yeah,” Kenny coughed, leaning up from his chair. For the first time that night, he cracked a grin, reminding Eren of the first time they met. Reaching out to grasp the bottle of whiskey in his hands, he poured another shot into the cracked glass, filling it to the brim before drinking it straight. “It was in the newspapers. Levi don’t read the news, but we- uh, we knew, and I guess we just forgot to tell him. We shoulda’ though. Since ya’ his… boyfriend, and all.”Eren nodded slowly. Letting his muscles relax, he leaned into Levi’s side, and rested his head on the older boy’s shoulder. A little confused, Eren asked: “About… about Mr Leonhart being dead?”Farlan scrunched up his face, making a sort-of gesture with his hands. “About you being there when the body was- ah… about… about you finding the body. Levi didn’t know about that.”Eren’s mouth fell open into a silent oh, eyebrows furrowing as he went over Farlan’s words. For an unknown reason, his stomach fluttered sickly, and his fingertips continued to tremor. But Eren pushed down the feeling, and continued to speak. “They said… in the newspapers that I found Mr Leonhart?”“Yeah,” Farlan replied immediately, expression tight and blank as he did so. He raised his brows, breathing through his teeth as if uncomfortable with the situation, before he leaned over to rip the bottle of whiskey from Kenny’s possession. Pouring himself a shot, he offered Isabel one – who nodded with a smile, and nudged her glass towards him.At that, Eren simply nodded, and decided not to comment any further. Whilst his family had told him they were keeping everything very quiet, and that his name would not be mentioned in any newspapers, Eren figured that they must have been wrong. If they were right, and Farlan had lied to him, then Levi surely would have spoken up about it. Perhaps his mother and father did not read every single newspaper in the town, and so maybe one did in fact report that Eren Jaeger had found the body of Mr Leonhart, head of the Military Police.Eyeing the bottle of whiskey, an urge to drink until his senses were blurred and he couldn’t stand straight filled him up. With the shouting and fight now having ceased, Erwin was already diving into a conversation with Farlan and Isabel. Kenny still leaned back in his chair, quiet and watching.Tenseness cemented his muscles, and all Eren really wanted to do was drink alcohol and then leave with Levi, and kiss him senseless in the snow. Unfortunately, the latter did not seem to be happening now, and so Eren had to settle with enjoying the tender touch of Levi’s hand in his, and his thumb rubbing circles into the scarred skin of Eren’s palm. “Hanji,” Eren asked, shifting his gaze to the woman next to him. Her dark reddish-brown hair was tied up off her face, and she patted down the black button up she wore. She smiled softly in his direction, a silent reply to continue. “Can I have another drink? Multiple ones, please.”She laughed, pushing up the glasses that sat on her nose bridge before reaching over and retrieving the whiskey bottle from in front of Farlan. She lined up three shot glasses, and said: “Whatever you say, Eren.” A few hours later, and it was as if the fight had never happened.Eren swayed drunkenly, arms wrapped around Isabel’s shoulders as she twirled him around the café. Jazz played from a record player on the counter top that Hanji had put on, filling the air with beats of a saxophone and a deep male voice. Left over cakes from that day had also been brought out from the back room, left in the open on the counter top for people to take when they pleased. Erwin, Farlan and Hanji sat at the bar stools, drinking tequila – the whiskey had been finished hours ago – and talking and chuckling with each other over the music.Right now, Eren felt worlds away from the worries of the past week. There were no hallucinations of Mr Leonhart’s dead body, and no screams from Annie as she gasped at the bullet wound in her arm echoing in his ear. When Eren closed his eyes, he didn’t see Bertholdt’s head splitting open, or the way Historia’s face had fallen when he exclaimed through tears that he would never marry her. Everything felt fine. Everything was fine.Except Levi had gone twenty-five minutes ago to the back room with Kenny, giving Eren an excuse of, I just need to talk to my uncle in private, and saying he’d be back soon. With each ticking second of Levi not being by his side, Eren felt a little more skittish and exposed, a little more unhinged and worrisome. When Eren had decided to go to the café, it was to see his boyfriend. Whilst Levi’s friends are nice, funny, and people Eren would consider his own friends too, being swung drunkenly around by Isabel to jazz was not what he wanted when he knocked on the door.He wanted Levi to be there with him, too. Everything was only okay if Levi was there beside him.“Eren! Want some more cake?” Erwin called out to him from his slumped position on a bar stool. With a bare hand, he reached behind him and grabbed a handful of chocolate cake. Hanji must have thought it was the most comical thing in the world, for she started to laugh so hard she snorted, slapping her knees as she did so. Erwin nodded in Eren’s direction, a grin wide on his lips. “Ready to catch?”Isabel stopped spinning him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “Open your mouth, Eren!”With a giggle, Eren listened, letting his swaying body lean against Isabel. The pair of them move, up and down, left and right, preparing for Erwin to throw the messy, crumbled, chocolate cake.As Erwin threw the cake, it landed perfectly in Eren’s mouth.The group erupted into loud cheers and laughter, clapping and congratulating Eren. He smiled with his mouth full, swallowing the delicious cake before pumping his fists in the air. He mumbled around the mouthful, “I did it!”As Eren laughed and drunkenly celebrated over his achievement, the door to the back area of the café swung open. Kenny and Levi walked through, their expressions blank and hard. It was only at seeing the crumbs of cake all over the floor and chocolate icing on Erwin’s hand (that he was currently licking off), did Kenny crack a smile. Isabel told him to have some of the cake before it was all gone, to which he laughed, and Eren found himself relaxing at seeing Kenny finally return to the person he was all the other times Eren had met him.Whilst the conversation around them dived into pure nonsense, Eren pulled himself out of Isabel’s grasp and made his way over to Levi with a spring in his step. The other boy had leaned against the counter top, sat on top one of the bar stools. The record player turned and belted out music next to him. A glass of liquor was already in his hands, and as his gaze fell on Eren making his way over, his lips curled up into a delicious smirk.Eren stopped in front of him, pushing up to wrap his arms around Levi’s neck and push his leg in-between his lover’s thighs. Nobody else in the room seemed to matter anymore, drifted to the back of Eren’s mind and priorities as he leaned up to gently kiss Levi’s lips. “Levi,” Eren mewled, drawing out the last syllable of his name. With a lovesick smile he gazed up at his lover, pressing another soft kiss to Levi’s jawline. “You were gone so long… I missed you! You- You didn’t get to see me eat the cake Erwin threw…”With a hum, Levi’s hand slithered around his waist and pulled him closer. Mirroring Eren’s actions, Levi pushed his left leg – currently in-between Eren’s thighs – further up. The intimacy made Eren blush as he rested his head on Levi’s shoulder. Levi then said, “Yeah? What a shame. I reckon you look so cute with your mouth stuffed full.”He playfully hit Levi’s chest, a shy giggle escaping his lips. “What does- does that mean, huh?”Levi stretched his neck to press a kiss to the top of Eren’s forehead, his hand pressed into Eren’s lower back. “Come back home with me tonight and maybe we’ll find out.”Blood rushed to Eren’s cheeks. Wrapping his arms around Levi’s waist, he breathed in deep, relaxing at the soft vanilla that always lingered off Levi. He was strong against Eren, solid and warm; something that made Eren feel so reassured and so safe. Now, Levi was right beside him. Everything was fine.Pulling away, Eren moved to whisper in his lover’s ear, “I’m sorry- sorry I didn’t find anything new about the Ackermans... My father, he has not- not had Rod Reiss over since… you know, and his study door is- is always locked.”There was no reason to mention the Ackermans. Perhaps, in his subconscious, Eren was waiting for Levi to tell him it was okay, and to give Eren something to do. An order; a wish of his that Eren could obey and listen to, and do his best to follow through so that he could make Levi happy. Something that would shift his focus away from the haunted memories that robbed him of his sleep.“That’s okay,” Levi said. “What about your parents? Anything strange about them, baby?”Eren bit his lip, giving a slight shrug. “No… other than that- that marriage thing with Historia… But my parents said they were worried- worried about me… ha… and… that’s it.”“Worried about you? After everything they’ve done to you? What a joke.”With a chuckle, Eren nodded. Lips parted into a grin as he gazed up at Levi, somewhat elated to hear that Levi thought the same thing as Eren – that his mother and father claiming they worried about him was ridiculous. “Yeah! So stupid. They - They don’t care about me at all!”“That’s exactly right.” Levi smirked, spare hand reaching up to brush the locks out of Eren’s eyes. There was a silence between them as Levi kissed him softly, before pulling away. His smirk had fallen, and his brows had turned down into a frown. Quietly, he said, “How do you… feel about marrying Historia?At the words, his stomach dropped inside of him, and his heart started to ache. “I really… don’t want to. Levi- I- Levi, it makes me want to cry, and be sick, and to run away. All- All at once!”“I know I’ve said it before, but, Eren,” Levi said, his hand slipping down Eren’s lower back to rest just above his tailbone. In the background Hanji had started to drunkenly dance with Erwin, her head falling back as a loud bellowing laugh tumbled off her lips; but it all seemed hazy, far away and out of reach from Eren. Levi continued, gently lifting Eren’s chin up with a finger. “I can make them go away.”Eyelids fluttered closed at the sound of Levi’s voice dropping in pitch and volume. Weakly, Eren nodded, feeling himself lean in a little closer to Levi’s warmth and touch. Whenever Levi spoke like this – low, quiet, husky in tone – Eren felt his cheeks grow red, and his heart beat a little faster. He couldn’t help it. Everything about Levi was so attractive. It was all Eren could think about.“You’ll never have to see them again. You won’t have to marry Historia. You won’t have to put up with being treated less all the time. They’ll be gone, out of your life, and then we can be together, forever.”Lips were pressed to his jaw, making Eren’s breath become caught in the back of his throat. He gripped the benchtop, the tender action causing a peak in the beating of his heart. An unknown anxiety swirled in his chest, but Eren pushed it down in favour for focusing on the warmth spreading throughout his body, for the slim fingers of Levi’s that pressed gently into the skin above the curve of his ass.“Wouldn’t you like that, Eren?”Would he like that? Would he enjoy no longer having to be subject to his father’s beatings, his mother’s harsh words, his sister’s disappointment? He could be with Levi, then, for as long as he desired. They’d fall asleep in the same bed, wake up and eat breakfast together, and spend their lives together as lovers; away from the judgement that his religious upbringing would bring them.The thought was lovely. Heavenly, even; for the closest thing to Heaven that Eren would ever experience was being held in Levi’s arms. If Heaven existed at all. Eren wasn’t quite sure, anymore.Thoughts in his head were hazy, blurred and incoherent due to the alcohol running through his veins. With a pout he pushed his head into the crook of Levi’s neck, wanting to be touched and held instead.“Baby,” Levi said, bringing Eren back into the present.“I… I don’t know,” Eren shrugged, cowering in on himself. Hiccupping, he said, “It… it’d be nice to- to see you! All the time. I wouldn’t miss you anymore, ha… but… but what if I miss them?”Drawing in a harsh breath, Levi was quick to reply.“You wouldn’t. Not a little bit. Not whilst I’m with you.”Muscles became rigid at the comment. Reigns of panic start to tighten around him, forcing him to become short of breath, however Eren couldn’t really understand why. After all, Levi had told him so many times that he would never lie to Eren. Levi was older, more mature, more free, and so if he said Eren wouldn’t miss them, it must be correct.Right?Why would Eren miss them, anyway? They told him to hide his anger whilst Levi told him to express it freely. They told him it was disgusting to desire another man’s touch whilst Levi told him that they were doing nothing wrong at all. They told him who he was meant to be, whilst Levi told him to not let them be in control. Was that really something Eren would miss?With his head spinning, Eren found it hard to think. All he could do was agree with Levi’s words, for there was no reason to disagree, anyway, as Levi would never lie to him. Even though Eren didn’t understand it, nor did he understand the unease that settled in his bones, Levi was always right. “Yeah,” Eren gulped, the words dry in his throat. He looked up to his lover with a drunken smile, nodding at his words. “I wouldn’t miss them! Not at all!”“I’m always right, aren’t I, Eren? I’d never lie to you. You wouldn’t miss them,” Levi kissed his cheek softly. Eren drew in a harsh breath, smelling the alcohol, cake and faint scent of vanilla that always lingered on his lover. He nodded along to Levi’s words, internally telling himself to calm – to ease the racing of his heart, the slight tremor in his fingertips, the uneasiness that coiled around him – for nothing was wrong at all. Levi was right. He always was.“Let me get rid of them, baby. Just tell me and I’ll do it.”“What… what would I do once they’re gone?” Eren asked, opening his eyes to see his lover looking down at him. A soft smirk tugged on the older boy’s lips, before they kissed his own. Up this close, Eren could see the freckles on Levi’s nose, the faint lines under his eyes, and the deep blues in his eyes.Beautiful. Levi is always so beautiful.“Anything you want, angel.”“Can we… live together?”“Of course.”"Have... sex?"Levi's smirk deepened, his hand on Eren’s back dipping to grab a handful of Eren’s ass. It made him gasp, jolting at the touch as blood rushed to Eren’s cheeks. "Whenever you want."With a shy smile Eren looked away, a giggle slipping past his lips before he glanced up at Levi through his lashes, and asked, “Would we travel?”Within seconds Levi’s expression shifted from before – smirking, cunning, sexy – to soft, gentle, something that Eren knew in his heart was reserved for him only; an expression that was new and one that Levi had not given him many times before. At least, not until recently. Not until November.“Wherever in the world you want to go, and I’ll take you,” Levi said softly, eyes sparkling from the flickering lantern that sat on top of the bench.“And we’ll be in love forever?” Eren spoke in a small voice, unsure whether Levi heard over the loud music and chatter of the others in the room – others who had long since been forgotten from Eren’s mind. But he watched as Levi’s eyes widened a little, and the corner of his lips tugged into a fond smile.“Forever and ever. As long as you want me to be here, I’ll be here.”Not missing a beat, Eren asked, “And you love me?”It was a peculiar feeling that had overcome him. An underlying insecurity that always lingered beneath the surface, one that told him that perhaps Levi didn’t love him as much as Eren loved Levi and that everything they was doing was a mistake. He needed Levi to tell him that they were doing nothing wrong, that he was good, that they loved each other, for without it Eren felt panicked. Paranoid. Alone.“I love you,” Levi said, kissing the top of Eren’s forehead before chuckling softly.Letting out a sigh, Eren let his heart go wild. It bloomed in his chest as the butterflies in his stomach took flight, making him helpless to the desire to gaze up at Levi with a trembling smile, tears welling up in his eyes as he took in the man before him. Perhaps, Eren reacted so strongly to Levi’s kindness because not many people in his life had been so kind to him before; so interested in him, so defensive of him, so loving to him.Soft fingers came up to caress Eren’s face. “Let me get rid of them, Eren. I don’t want them hurting you anymore.”As before, the same unease settled over him within an instant.Hesitating, Eren felt his limbs go numb.“I’m not sure.”And maybe that was not the right thing to say, for Levi’s gentle expression faltered for a split second, barely long enough for Eren to catch it. But he had no time to say anything, before Levi spoke again.“Think about it, Eren.”His lips are then on Eren’s once more. The sun had started to peak over the horizon. Colours of red, orange and light blue bled into the dark sky, bringing light to the world once more. Eren giggled as he leaned against Levi’s side, still drunk on liquor. They swayed together as they walked through the quiet streets in the direction of Levi’s home, footsteps crunching underneath the snow that covered Shiganshina in a blanket. It was cold, and Eren shivered in the slight breeze that brushed the locks of hair off his face.“Levi,” He said with a hiccup, wrapping his arms around the other boy’s waist before pressing a haste kiss to his cheek. “Let’s cuddle when we get home! Ah… I want to cuddle… and kiss! Give me kisses!”“Anything you want, baby.”The others had remained behind in the café, making excuses of having to clean up, to bake cakes for the day ahead, or not being sober enough to walk back. Eren had immediately gone to offer Hanji help with picking up the shot glasses, cake crumbs and empty alcohol bottles, but she had dismissed him with the wave of her hand and told him to spend some time alone with his boyfriend.When they reached the door of Levi’s house, Eren was struggling to keep his eyes open. He let his lover pull him inside, guiding him through the quiet and empty house. Nothing had changed since the last time he was here, except for the fact that some flowering plants Isabel grew no longer were blooming.Eren hung off Levi, dragging his feet across the floor. It seemed like within seconds they were in Levi’s room, with Eren being lowered onto his lover’s bed and having his shoes wiggled off by the other. It was dark with the curtains being closed, and so Eren could barely see the silhouette of his lover. Feeling his head spin from the alcohol, Eren let himself sink into the mattress, and stared at the ceiling.“Levi…”“Hmm?”Twiddling with his fingers, Eren shrugged. His mind drifted to the week before, and all that had happened since. “Do you think Mr Leonhart is really dead?”The shuffling sounds of Levi’s movements stopped. Flickering his eyes down, Eren watched as Levi frowned from where he had crouched at the side of the bed, pulling off Eren’s shoes. He raised a brow, tilting his head to the side slightly. “What do you mean? You… you saw his body, didn’t you?”“Yeah,” Eren said with a huff, closing his eyes when the spinning started to become too much. “But! But I saw him in the- the hospital, Levi! And you- you know what, my father said… said I was seeing things.”“Like, hallucinating?”“Mhm,” Eren nodded his head.In the dark his lover moved, shifting to sit beside Eren on the bed. His hand reached up, gently brushing the locks of hair off Eren’s forehead. The frown was heavy on his face, tugging down his lips and furrowing his brows. Leaning down, he kissed Eren softly, before he asked, “Are you still seeing things?”“I- I don’t think so.” Eren reached out for his hand, clasping their fingers together and bringing it close to his chest. He smiled up at Levi, soaking in the view before him. Beautiful. So beautiful.For a long time, Levi did not speak. Instead he gently caressed Eren’s face, thumb brushing over his cheekbone with a feather’s touch. After a moment he had leaned down to kiss Eren again, and then again, and then again – shifting from his lips to his cheeks to his forehead. It made Eren giggle, blush dusting his skin in a rosy colour. He wrapped his arms around Levi, and pulled him down on top.“Let me stay here, tonight?”“You don’t need to ask, angel. Stay here as long as you like,” Levi murmured, before kissing Eren again. There was no sexual desire in the kiss, for it was simply soft and gentle, slow and sweet.Eren hadn’t really thought about the fact that he was not going home. In his drunken state, it didn’t particularly matter to him at all – and neither did it matter to Levi, it seemed, for he had not asked about it. In a few days, school would also be ending, and by next Friday Eren would be finished with his final exams, and would not have to go back to the classroom until late January.Sometimes, Eren thought about the start of the school year. Mr Pyxis had hated him, and no matter how hard Eren had tried he could never be the best. Now, with Erwin as his teacher and Mr Pyxis gone, Eren was receiving the best grades in each subject and he no longer had to study extra hard.“Levi? Do you know where Mr Pyxis went?”“He’s gone,” Levi said quickly, hand still gently resting on Eren’s face. “That’s all you need to know.”“I miss Armin,” Eren then blurted out. It seemed that whenever he was drunk, he couldn’t help himself from talking. But it was true, and for an unknown reason Eren had the urge to tell his boyfriend about it. Armin and Eren had not seen each other in over a week, and Eren had no idea whether Armin knew about Historia and his alleged planned marriage or how Eren had found Mr Leonhart’s body.Lately, he’d been so distant from the blond boy – whether that was intentional or not. He’d been so distant from all his friends on school, with Levi taking up most of his thoughts and his parents keeping him trapped inside. It aided in the loneliness he felt in his gut that only eased up with Levi near him.“You can see him at school, soon. Tomorrow is Saturday, though. We can spend it together.”“Can we kiss? Many times,” Eren asked with a shy giggle, running his hands through Levi’s undercut. His lover smiled softly at him, nodding along to his words. But after a moment Levi’s smile faltered, making Eren’s heart clench up and start to ache. With a frown, he tilted his head to the side, a silent prompt for Levi, a silent ask, why did you stop smiling?“I’m worried about you, Eren.”Resisting the urge to playfully roll his eyes, Eren flashed a drunken grin at the confession. He moved his hands to rest them on the sides of his face, and said, “Huh? I’m fine, Levi!”At that, Levi simply sighed.“If it was up to me, you would have never seen Mr Leonhart’s body. You didn’t need to see that. If… if I was there, it wouldn’t have happened. Things that need to occur can still occur without you seeing….” Levi said quietly, hand still cupping Eren’s cheek. Abruptly he stopped, pressing his lips into a thin line. “Ah… anyway. What’s done is done.”Levi’s words swum around in his head. Eren couldn’t focus on it; couldn’t make understanding out of what his dearest beloved was saying with the alcohol pumping through his blood. So instead he simply shook his head and giggled, straining his neck to kiss Levi softly.“I’m okay, Levi. Really! I mean… I feel a little sick, ha, but that’s because of the- the alcohol! As long as I have you with- with me, then… then I will be okay!” He said with a chuckle, pressing another a haste kiss to Levi’s lips. It must have taken his boyfriend by surprise, for Levi blinked a few times before smiling in return. A hand reached up to ruffle Eren’s hair.Nodding at him, Levi hummed, acknowledging Eren’s words. He then leaned forward, kissing Eren’s lips as an arm wrapped around his neck and pulled him even closer towards the younger boy. They stayed like that for what seemed like hours in Eren’s head, kissing and touching each other’s body with drunken movements. Hands wandered under shirts, gently grazing over soft, warm skin. It wasn’t desperate, and it wasn’t sexual – it was affection, an aching desire to be close to each other.“Do you promise to tell me if you start seeing things again, Eren?” Levi said after a while.Eren sighed. “I’m not sick, Levi.”“Promise me.”There was silence between them. Levi stayed still, gaze fixated on Eren's as he waited for the answer. Eren's hands were halfway up Levi's shirt, still but pressed flat against his chest, and there was a low heat in the pit of his stomach. Eren simply wanted to take off Levi's shirt and cuddle against his bare chest, and fall asleep in his lover's arms. He didn't want to talk about these things. He didn't want Levi thinking Eren was sick, because he wasn't. Yet alas, Eren nodded, for he wanted to make Levi happy. That was the most important thing. “Okay. I promise.”As the sun rose up in the sky, Eren and Levi slept soundly beside one another. The alcohol still ran through Eren’s system, making the world sway beneath him even as he laid underneath the covers. But with Levi by his side, Eren knew that he’d hold him close, and stop him from falling over the edge.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Sunlight gave warmth to the cold room. It melted the snow in the streets, which gave way small streams of water that trickled down the stoned roads. The house was still quiet, still asleep; but Eren and Levi had been awake for a while. Apart from the sounds of their hushed giggles, the blankets moving around the bed and the occasional, quiet moan, everything was still and sound.Eren’s entire body felt hot. His skin tingled under Levi’s touch, his hips rolling up against his lover. It was Sunday morning, the holiest day of the week, and here Eren sinned without a thought to his God at all. Both of them were naked, curled up against each other, their hands roaming their bodies freely.“Levi,” Eren panted, kissing his lover again, slipping his hand between them to grasp at each other below. The pleasure was blinding, building up in the pit of his stomach, making his legs shake. “It- It feels so good, Levi, ah!”“Shh, baby. Quiet,” Levi said with a chuckle, stealing another kiss from Eren’s lips before kissing down his jaw and neck, sucking over the bruised skin and creating new, darker hickeys.“I- I have to see Armin today- ah, no- no more hickeys –”“Wear a scarf,” Was his lover’s reply, before he continued to suck and nip at the sensitive skin just above the dip of Eren’s collarbone. Eren’s lips fell apart in a silent groan, his head hitting the pillow behind him. Levi moved to straddle above him, legs either side of Eren’s hips. Hands reached around Eren, resting on his shoulder blades as Levi thrusted down on him, pressing kisses underneath his jawline. The pleasure Eren felt made his heart hammer in his chest, his skin tingling and toes curling at his feet. Everything felt so good, so wonderful, that for a moment Eren forgot where he was.“Levi! Levi! Ah, I- I’m going- fuck,” Eren mewled, running his hands through Levi’s undercut and pulling the other closer, kissing his lips and licking into his mouth. His hips buckled up, meeting the roll of Levi’s own. “Ah, ah, I love you, I love you- you so much, Levi, please!”A smirk curled on Levi’s lips as he rested his forehead against Eren’s. “Love you more, angel.” An hour later, and the sun had sat itself high in the sky. Despite the light, the air was still crisp and cold. Eren shuddered as he tightened the scarf around his neck, and pulled the hood of the green jacket Levi had given him over his head. Levi had told him to wear it, in case anybody was to recognise him. Since it had been a few days since Eren went home, there was no doubt his family were looking for him. The hood would help mask his identity. It would keep him – and Levi – safe. Walking through the town square, it was as busy as always, with the markets bustling full townsfolk and families.Fondly he smiled over in Levi’s direction when they passed a fruit stall, the memories of when he first saw his beloved coming back to him in a rush. He squeezed Levi’s hand, and watched as Levi looked back to him, a brow raised in a silent question. With the crowd around them and with the band playing in front of the town hall, Eren had to lean a little closer to talk.“Do you remember when we first met?”“I do.”Eren sighed, feeling his heart flutter in his chest. Whilst they were in public, Eren couldn’t get too close to Levi – holding his hand, partially hidden by the fact they stood so close and the sleeves of his sweater were too large – was already risking it. Yet, nonetheless, being beside his boyfriend was enough. In a soft tone, close to that of a whisper, Eren said, “I’m so happy to have met you, Levi.”Beside him, Levi stilled. People weaved around them, some sending glares in their direction from the middle of the path. The world seemed to slow down in Eren’s eyes, sounds dulling to a white noise as he fixated his gaze on his most beloved. Had he said something wrong?Levi’s face was blank, but his hand was still firmly grasped in Eren’s.Inside of him, his stomach twisted into knots, his throat squeezing around the air as the familiar doubt and paranoia creeped up to the surface. It hung off his shoulders, the paranioa digging into his skin; it felt real, it ached. It whispered in his ear sounds that Eren couldn't understand, and yet he knew what it was saying. Perhaps, Levi was not as happy to have met Eren as Levi was to have met Levi. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
No, no, Levi loves you. Stop it.
“I…” Levi said, and it drew Eren back into reality. The sounds around him came back, and the world around him began to move once more. Paranioa's grip on his shoulder faded, and once again his mind was clear. Levi’s lips were pressed thin, brows furrowed ever so slightly. Another moment passed by, with only the music of the band and words of the crowd being the only thing Eren heard. They continued to walk, silent, still, and Eren let his gaze fall to his feet.Kicking at the loose stones in-between the pavement, he felt his heart fall.“You don’t have to say it! It’s… okay,” Lips trembled as Eren spoke. It’s okay. It’s okay. Levi loves you, don’t cry. Swallowing the knot in his throat, Eren’s free hand came to tug on the scarf around his neck. It was hiding the love-bites Levi had given them this morning during the daybreak hours, when they kissed and explored each other like it was their first time. Mikasa had once given him a similar scarf – a soft red colour – but as Eren had grown older, he had hidden it. “Eren, I- I’m glad to have met you, too.”Tears blurred his vision, and Eren shook his head with an earnest, quiet laugh. “Levi, I’m sorry –”“Don’t apologise,” Levi cut him off, stealing a glance at Eren. His eyes flickered with emotion, but Eren couldn’t quite understand what it showed. His lover smiled gently at him, before leaning down to press a quick kiss to his forehead.It was a risk. Eren felt his heart jump, kick-starting into a racing rhythm. Eyes widened almost comically and he whipped his head around, eyes darting around the crowd to see if anyone had seen.But nobody looked in their direction. Everyone continued to weave past, immersed in their own worlds. Nobody looked at them with a scowl; nobody was covering their children’s eyes; nobody was yelling at them to see a doctor and to pray to the Heaven’s about their sickness.Levi’s chuckle was close to his ear. When Eren turned back, his lover had leaned ever so closer, a beautiful smirk twisted up on his lips that made Eren’s cheeks rosy with blush. “I was just a little distracted, love. I didn’t mean to take so long to answer.”A finger came up to rest underneath Eren’s chin. His lips parted ever so slightly, eyelids falling to half-mast as he let out a lovesick sigh. Levi simply hummed, as if satisfied with the effect his touch had on Eren’s heart. He continued, then, words spoken in a deep tone, “Meeting you was the best thing that had ever happened to me.”
Oh.
Eren couldn’t hold back the smile that curled on his lips. He let out a breezy, relaxed laugh, before squeezing Levi’s hand even tighter. Butterflies bloomed inside of him, and once more his eyes glossed over with tears – but not out of paranoia or hurt, but out of love, a love that seemed to reach deep down to his bones, spreading out to the tips of his fingertips and toes. There was not a part of Eren that wasn’t completely and utterly infatuated with Levi. It was as if he was sick on love. There was nothing, at this point, that Eren wouldn't do for Levi. Even if nobody was by his side, as long as there was Levi, Eren would be okay.“Are you serious?” He said with a whisper.A smirk deepened on Levi’s face. “Would I ever lie to you, Eren?”And at that, Eren couldn’t help but laugh again, and shake his head. “Never.”Levi leaned back a little, his hand moving to rest on Eren's lower back as he guided him through the town square. They made their way to the northern gate, when Levi spoke again in that same, deep voice that always made Eren feel a little weak."You cannot tell Armin the truth about us. Ever," Levi reminded him. With the crowd now behind them, he pressed a kiss to Eren's temple. "It'll put me in danger.""I know," Eren said, giving Levi a soft smile. "Do you really want to see him that badly?" Levi then asked, stopping in the middle of the road. Yesterday morning, when Eren had first asked to see Armin, Levi had told him no. He said it was too dangerous, that Armin wouldn't believe anything Eren said (and yet, despite Levi's words, Eren still held onto the hope that he would,) and that Levi was the only person Eren needed (which was true, yet alas, Eren still wanted to see his best friend). Eren had begged Levi until his lover gave in.With a light-hearted laugh, Eren then said, "It'll be fine, Levi!" Standing outside of Armin’s house, Eren felt sick.As he had walked up to the bricked, old house, Eren began to doubt everything he was doing. Maybe Levi was right when he said that it was not a good idea to see Armin. There was no guarantee that Armin would be there. The day was still early, and morning service at his family’s church had not yet begun. But maybe they had left early, and Eren had missed his chance. It had been long – too long – since Eren had seen his best friend, however, so Eren pushed down the anxious feeling in his gut and walked to the front door.Similar to Levi's house and many others on the southern and older parts of Shiganshina, the oak planks of Armin's house were cracked and aged. The bricks were covered in moss that had grown over the years. Armin lived in a different part of town, closer to the riverside than Eren. The door was also run-down; it looked as if it could fall apart if Eren kicked it gently. After knocking, Eren waited. Levi was not beside him, having told Eren that instead he will wait around the neighbourhood. Eren understood why. It was not safe for Levi to be seen with Eren. For now, their love and their connection with each other had to remain a secret. It could be dangerous for Levi. His stomach twisted in on itself, and his heartbeat started to race and hammer in his chest as Eren heard the faint sound of footsteps behind the door. Fingers trembled by his side, and in his mind he repeatedly told himself to be calm. It was just Armin. There was no reason to feel so on-edge.Yet when Armin opened the door, Eren’s throat closed up, and he struggled to speak.“H- Hi, Armin, I –”“Eren? Eren!”Armin’s lips split into a grin, and he hastily slipped on red slippers before he leaped forward. Wrapping his arms tight around Eren’s shoulders and pulling him closer, the hood off Eren’s head was knocked off. With a sigh, Eren returned the action, letting his arms snake around Armin's sides as they hugged tighter and tighter. Armin was warm – wearing a thick, deep blue sweater – and Eren smiled as he leaned his head on his best friend’s shoulder.“Where have you been?” Armin’s shoulder shook as he spoke, voice cracking. “I haven’t seen you in so long. Mikasa- Mikasa said you were unwell.”
I guess my family has not told the Arlert’s that I’m missing…
“Ah, yeah. I was… a little sick,” Eren said. He wasn’t sure whether to tell Armin about the fact that he had slipped out of his home in the middle of the night and had not been home in two days. Yet, if he was going to church that morning, Armin and his grandfather would find out eventually.“Are you feeling better now?” Armin pulled away, letting his hands fall from around Eren’s waist. Tears reddened his eyes and he wiped them away with the back of his hand, using his other to grip Eren’s arm and pull him inside their home. “It’s cold outside, even with the sun. Let's go in.”Inside the Arlert’s house, the fireplace burned alight. The last time Eren had been here was well over two months ago. But nothing had changed, and the walls still felt like home. He moved into the living room, taking his seat on a wooden chair with Armin across from him. Empty plates were still on the table. Half-opened, half-read books were stacked on it as well. Photographs of Armin and his parents were nailed onto the wall. Next to the door rested his grandfather's fishing rods, but Mr Arlert was nowhere to be seen.There are deep, dark circles underneath Armin’s eyes. His hair was a little knotted – perhaps he had just woken – his cheeks looked a little more sunken in than Eren remembered. With a frown, Eren reached out, gently resting his hand on Armin’s shoulder.“Are… you okay?” He said.Armin let out a sigh. “Eren… I will be honest. I’m worried. About Mikasa. About you.”He gave his best friend a half smile, doing his best to reassure him. “Oh, I’m fine, don’t worry –”“Eren,” Armin cut him off. The chair scraped along the wooden floors as he pulled himself closer, to the point that their knees touched. “I’ve known you my entire life,” Armin continued. Up close, Eren could see the faint worry lines on his forehead, and the paleness in his skin. He looked sick. “And these past few months… you’ve changed. You’re different. You’re not the same Eren that I knew before.”It hit Eren like knives. Thrown into his skin, ripping the flesh deep, making his heart ache and bleed.His first reaction was to defend himself; shaking his head, muttering fragmented excuses and rushed, “I’m okay,” “Nothing is wrong,” “Everything is fine.”. But Armin didn’t budge, he didn’t relax, he didn’t give Eren that half smile that made Eren feel at ease.Instead his lips tugged down, brows furrowed deep, eyes glassed over.“You can’t lie to me, Eren,” Armin said in the softest of voices.“I- I’m not.”It was true. Eren was fine, Eren was okay, Eren was happy. Right?Whilst maybe not being able to see Armin, Jean, Sasha, and his other classmates made his heart twist, and maybe a very small part of him missed Mikasa’s antics and lectures on how she had to look after Eren (even if it wasn’t true), and maybe another part of him craved the feeling of his own bed and his mother’s cooking and –No. No.He hated his parents. They beat him, they hurt him, they would never let Eren be free to be the person that he deserved to be. Now that he was gone, Eren was happy. He had Levi. That was all he needed.“You can tell me. Anything. Anything at all. I’ll believe you.”Tight rope wrapped around his throat, making it hard to breathe. Eren swallowed down the lump in it, shaking his head as he forced a weak, trembling smile. “I told you, Armin. I’m happy.”Armin pursed his lips. With narrowed eyes he studied Eren’s expression, as if waiting for Eren to break and tell him all of his secrets. Yet alas, after a moment, Armin let out a sigh and relaxed back into his seat. He crossed his arms over himself, not breaking gaze from Eren.“You’ve still… changed.”“How so?” Eren challenged.“Well, first of all, you haven’t been at school for… what? Almost two weeks. You’ve missed all of your final exams. Did you know the last day of school is on Monday? Are you going to be there?”Shoulders became tense. Eren hesitated, guilt reaching up inside him at missing so much school, at being away for so long from his friends. But he shook his head, regardless – for Armin had to believe that Eren was happy. Eren was, he really was, for he was with Levi – and Levi was all that Eren needed.Eren would not go back to school for the rest of the year. It was too risky, Levi had told him, for Mikasa would surely let his parents know, and they could possibly follow Eren and find out the truth.And perhaps it was a little sad that Eren had not seen his friends much at all these past few months; choosing to be with Levi instead of them, or being punished for his actions that resulted in Eren not being allowed out; but, if he had to be free… then this was the choice he had to make.Right?“Don’t you miss us, Eren?”“Of course,” Eren muttered, avoiding Armin’s gaze. An ache continued to grow in his chest at Armin’s soft words, his concerned tone. Dropping to a low whisper, he said, “Of course I miss you…”“Then there’s the cursing at Mikasa. Don’t think I haven’t forgotten that. And then saying your… your parents are hiding something from you? I’m worried. And then after that, it was like you completely disappeared. I didn’t see you much at all. What happened?”“They are hiding something –”“Eren... You’re- Listen to yourself. These are your parents, your sister. What would they hide from you? I… you’re – it just sounds like you’re a bit paranoid, Eren.”Gripping the edge of his seat, Eren gritted his teeth, and shook his head. Still staring hard at the ground, he felt a bitterness grow. “I’m not paranoid! They are hiding something from me!”“And what would they be hiding, Eren? Come on. I know they’re harsh sometimes, but –”"No, they are, Armin, please!""Eren! Stop!" Armin raised his voice, "They aren't hiding anything! There's nothing to hide!" Standing up, Eren let the rising anger overcome him. It controlled him, taking the reigns as he stepped forward, grabbing Armin by the collar of his sweater. The strange sounds in his head came back, urging him to keep going, to yell, to scream. His fists shook; tears glassing his vision, knuckles turning white. Not even the fall in Armin’s frown, the slight widening of his eyes, the twitch of his shaking lips stopped Eren. With his words rising to a shout, Eren spat with the utter most venom, the hurt dripping from words.“I thought you promised me that you’d fucking believe me!”The silence that followed was deafening.Eren’s fists still gripped a handful of Armin’s sweater. Hot tears burned as they slid down his cheeks. Teeth ached from the clenching of his jaw. It hurt; it ached, it stung, it was bitter and raw and painful as if he’d been burned, as if he’d been sliced open, as if he’d been slapped across the face. But this time it was not his father who hit him, it was Armin. Armin. Fair-headed, empathetic Armin, who had promised Eren moments before that no matter what, he would believe Eren.Liar. Liar. Liar, his mind chanted."You're a liar!" Eren spoke the words in his mind, the words ripping through his throat.Truly, Levi was the only one that Eren could trust. Levi was right. He was always, always right. Still trembling, Eren let Armin go. Breathing in deep, he relaxed his jaw, and let his hands fall to his side. When he turned, and walked towards the door, there were no sounds of footsteps following. No protest from Armin, telling Eren to stay and that he had made a mistake.Oh, how Eren had been a fool. Foolish to believe that Armin was one of the few people in his life that he could trust, that wouldn’t lie to him, that wouldn’t betray him like this.Stopping in front of the door, Eren hesitated as his hand rested over the door handle.“You asked me what happen,” He said soft, throat aching and raw around the words in his throat. With each blink, tears pushed past, rolling off his chin and dropping onto the wooden floors beneath his feet. “Why I have… changed.”When Armin did not reply, Eren continued. “Do you have any idea what has happened to me in the past few months, Armin? Do you… have any fucking clue at all? No. No, you don’t.”“Eren –”“I saw Bertholdt’s head split open. I can still hear the screams of his parents in my head, and I still see Annie crying and clutching the bullet wound in her arm. I can still smell the blood so thick in the air that it makes me want to throw up,” Eren let out a shaky breath, clutching the door handle. “And then not even two weeks later, my parents decide to tell me that I am to marry Historia Reiss when I turn seventeen years old. They didn’t even care about how I felt.”As he spoke, it seemed to rush back to him in waves. First, the smell of the blood. Then the sounds of the gunshots, and Annie's cries, the sounds so close it was as if it was happening right before him all over again. But it wasn't. There was no blood, Eren knew that, despite the smell lingering in the air.Behind him, he can hear Armin have a sharp intake of breath, but before Eren could even let his best friend speak, he continued himself. “When I said I would never marry her… my father beat me. He beat me so hard that I saw stars, that every part of me hurt, that I had bruises covering my stomach, arms and legs for weeks. They are still there. Fading.”All over him he could feel the hands on his skin, hitting and bruising beneath the touch. Yet when Eren glanced down for the shortest of moments, there was nothing.“And, and- you know what the icing on the fucking cake is, Armin?”Eren turned around. He let out a delirious laugh, tears making the world blurred. With each silent cry his shoulders shook, but Eren pushed it down – he pushed down his emotions as he had done his entire life; for Eren was far too emotional, too angry, too hurt.“I left. I left them. In the middle of the night. And instead of letting me get to where I wanted to go safely, this awful God of ours let me come across Mr Leonhart. Dead. Cold in the streets.”“Oh- Oh, Eren, I’m so –”“Don’t you dare say you are sorry! Shut up!” Eren’s words rose to a shout. Armin flinched. “I saw him, dead and rotten. So – So don’t you fucking ask me what happened, Armin! Because a lot happened. So much fucking happened and nobody seems to care, nobody seems to notice that – that I’m a mess, that I’m scared all the damn time and – and – nobody but –”
But Levi. Nobody but Levi cared.
Eren stopped himself. He took a deep breath again, feeling his heart thump in his chest, and his fingers tremble by his side. Closing his eyes, he didn’t give Armin another glance. Armin didn’t deserve it. For so many years, Armin had been the one person that Eren could trust. The one person that Eren really did believe would be beside his side for the rest of his life, that would be the one person Eren could go to for advice, for comfort, for reassurance. Yet alas; life has proven to him once more that Levi was the only one. Armin lied to him. Armin was a liar – a filthy, rotten liar – who never believed Eren.It hurt.Behind him Eren could hear Armin start to speak. No doubt he was back-tracking what he had said, apologising and telling Eren that he cared and that everything will be okay. But Eren did not listen. He couldn’t listen. How could Eren trust a single thing that Armin said to him?Levi had told him yesterday morning when Eren asked to see his best friend that it was not a good idea. Yet Eren had begged, and begged, and begged, until Levi let him go.He should have listened to Levi. Levi was always right. Levi wasn’t a liar.Pulling up the hoodie, Eren opened the door. Levi would be waiting for him somewhere in the streets. Outside it had begun to snow, painting Shiganshina in white. Snow clouds had covered the sky, and the sun was no longer shining bright. Through tears and a heavy voice, Eren then said in the most sorrowful of tones. “Goodbye, Armin.”Whether Armin had heard it or not, however, Eren didn’t care to know. Back in the safety and warmth of Levi’s bed, his lover ran fingers through his hair as Eren cried into his chest. He heaved in-between loud, wretched sobs, arms wrapped tight around Levi’s waist as he sought comfort, warmth, safety – all the things he had believed he could find in Armin.One hand rubbed circles gently into Eren’s back as Levi hushed him softly, whispering words of comfort into his ear as he kissed Eren’s forehead and cheeks repeatedly. They were underneath the covers as they were that morning, but there was no pleasure this time; just sorrow.“I’m here, Eren. I’m here. I won’t ever leave you,” Levi kissed his temple, “I would never lie to you.”“I- I- I trusted him,” Eren sniffled. Every time he blinked his eyes hurt, as if the tears had left them raw. “He is… was… is my best friend, and- and I really thought that he’d understand.”A finger was pressed under his chin, gently lifting him up to meet Levi’s gaze. It was soft. Lips were ever-so-slightly curled up in a smile, and to anyone else Levi’s expression would look blank and emotionless. But Eren knew Levi better than that. He saw the fondness in his eyes, the tenderness in the way he held him so close to his chest."Forget about him. Don't ever talk to him again. Just think of me, Eren," Levi said, tracing his jaw with a finger. "I'm the only one that matters, right?"His heart sunk deep. Eren nodded, still blinking away tears that welled up in his eyes. "You're... the only one, Levi."
Forget about Armin. Armin doesn't matter anymore. Only Levi. It'll always be only Levi.
Levi kissed him, slow and lovingly. When he pulled away he remained close, their foreheads leaning against one another. Eren had managed to be pulled up and on top of him, his arms finding their way to the sides of Levi’s head to help him stay up.“Armin is just a liar. He would never understand you. He would never let you be free.""I know," Eren said. "I... I should of listened to you, Levi."When Eren started sobbing again, Levi only pulled him closer, kissing his cheeks and gently brushing locks of hair behind his ears. "It's okay, it's okay. I understand you. I'm the only one that does. Listen to me, Eren, and you'll be free, I promised you that, right?"Repeating himself, Eren said, “I know," the sounds coming out like a defeated whine. "You don't need him. You only need me."Eren rested his head into the crook of Levi's neck. His lover's hands moved up to intertwine with the ones rested beside his own head. For a moment Eren simply breathed, calming himself down, relaxing his racing heart. Everything ached, as if he'd been beaten until he was blue."I only need you, Levi." Even without seeing it, Eren could tell by the tone of Levi's voice that his lips had curled into a smirk. "That's exactly right. You’ll never leave me, right?”Eren hummed, giving Levi's hands a squeeze. Why would he leave Levi? His most wonderful Levi. The only person in the world who truly cared about Eren, who believed Eren, who Eren could trust. He lifted his head slightly, looking up to meet Levi's gaze. “Never, Levi. I’m yours. Always. I’m here, forever.” As he had thought, Levi smirked at him, moving to press a gentle kiss to his forehead. "Good boy."The praise made Eren's heart flutter. He'd do anything to be told that he was good, especially by Levi. Whilst perhaps now Eren did feel a little more lonelier, a little more isolated from his friends and his family than before, he had Levi with him. And that was enough.Right?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was the 24th of December, sometime past ten o’clock in the evening. Snow drifted down from the dark sky above, coating the streets in a thick blanket of white. It had been over a week since Eren had ran away from home, and he wasn’t sure when he would go back; if he would go back at all. The house was quiet – Isabel, Kenny and Farlan had all left for a night job – and so, Eren and Levi were alone.It was dark and cold in Levi’s room, but Eren felt nothing but warmth.He’d decided to give Levi a gift, as tomorrow would be his nineteenth birthday. As Eren was not able to go outside the house for the past week – Levi had told him it was far too dangerous – Eren could not buy Levi a physical gift.So he chose another gift. Not materialistic, but important nonetheless.His skin burned as Levi’s hands grazed over his body. Bruised hickeys covered the skin of his neck, his chest, his inner thighs. Eren was shaking, fingers grasping handfuls of the sheets beside him. They’d kissed until he was breathless, undressing each other with haste, desperate to be closer to one another. When Levi had come home and Eren had first told him of his idea, a little part of him did not expect it to actually happen. He still did not know a lot about… sex. Yet alas, here they were, and Eren couldn’t hold back the smile as they kissed.Sex before marriage was a sin. Sex with another man, as a man, was also very much a sin.But Eren didn’t care. If it was so sinful, and wrong, and awful, then why did it feel so good? Why did it feel so good to be kissed, touched, to be called beautiful and pretty by Levi?Eren had already sinned before. As Levi had said weeks ago – Eren was… a criminal, now. He stole liquor and drunk it under the night stars, despite being not even near the legal age. He’d done things that months ago he never even thought of; all because of Levi.If Eren was to burn in Hell, then at least he’ll burn with Levi.“Ah, oh, fuck- Levi!” He mewled, resisting the urge to close his thighs as Levi kissed the sensitive skin between them, biting and sucking new hickeys. With Levi’s hands spreading his legs apart, Eren felt extremely exposed – the cold air touching each part of him. Flat against his stomach, his cock twitched when Levi’s oil-slicked fingers reached underneath and behind him.Moving, Levi pressed a soft kiss to the underside of Eren’s cock, making him almost jolt at the pleasure that ran through him. He looked up to Eren through his lashes, a smirk written on his lips. “Tell me if you need me to stop, baby. This next part might sting a little… but it’s nothing we haven’t done before.”Giving Eren a wink, he planted another kiss to the top of his cock before fingers were pushed in-between Eren’s behind. They circled the sensitive skin, the cold of the oil making Eren shiver. And then they were pressed inside of him. It stung, Eren biting his lip as he squeezed his eyes shut. But unlike before, the oil made everything slick and wet, and Levi’s fingers went in with a little more ease.One, two, then three – and Eren was a shaking, moaning mess. Levi’s fingers were long, reaching inside him and nudging against that one sensitive spot that made pleasure spark through him like electricity.When Levi’s lips wrapped around the head of his cock, swallowing him in his mouth, Eren bit his lip so hard he could taste blood. But it didn’t stop the whine in his throat, the sound desperate and begging. His hips thrusted up into Levi’s mouth, concurrently causing Levi’s fingers to hit deeper, the heat building rapidly in the pit of his stomach.Eren couldn’t take it anymore.“Levi, Levi, I’m- Please, I- I want us to- to- I want you to –”Levi pulled off his cock with a popping sound. He licked the underside, removing his fingers before reaching up over Eren. He pressed a kiss to Eren’s forehead, a smirk returning to his lips.“Shh, baby, tell me what you want, hmm?”“You know,” Eren muttered, panting. His cheeks were flushed red with blush, his heartbeat thumping hard in his chest. Reaching up, he wrapped his arms around Levi’s neck to pull his lover closer for a proper kiss. “Do… do I have to say it?”“I want you to tell me,” Levi said, before kissing Eren again.It was embarrassing. Vulgar and vulnerable. Eren pushed his head to the side to avoid Levi’s gaze; but at that Levi only kissed down his neck, his hands running down Eren’s chest, fingers pinching his nipples hard enough to make Eren whine.“Say it,” He whispered into Eren’s ear, one hand reaching up to brush the locks of hair off Eren’s dewy skin. “Say it for me, Eren. I just want to be sure.”“I…” Eren said with a whisper. He turned to Levi, looking up at him through half-lidded eyes. With a shaking hand he rested his fingers against the curve of Levi’s cheek. As it was with Eren, a faint blush had dusted Levi’s skin. His lips were reddened from the kisses, the skin on his neck deep purples and reds from the hickeys Eren had placed. He was gorgeous – wonderful, loving, kind – and, in this moment, Eren couldn’t really think of anything else.“Don’t you want to do this, hmm?” Levi said, edging Eren on. “Wouldn’t you love it?”Insecurity bled through Eren’s veins; a hidden guilt, a hidden worry that perhaps everything they were doing was wrong. But it felt so good. Too good.“We’re not married,” He blurted out, reciting another sin burned into his mind since he was a child – sex before marriage was wrong. But at his words Levi laughed, shaking his head, lips curled into a grin.“And we will never be. There’s nothing wrong with sex, Eren.”“We’re both boys.”“Alas, we are,” Levi tilted his head to the side, gaze fixated on Eren. “Which is why it’s going to feel so good when I fuck you. A lot better than any sex with a girl. We’re both boys, but there’s nothing wrong with what we are doing.”Eren gulped. “Nothing?”“Not at all. Remember what I told you, baby? Everyone has lied to you, except me,” Levi leaned down, kissing him softly. “But I would never. Now… tell me, what do you want me to do?”Hesitating, Eren licked his lips, a sigh caught in his throat. Everyone had lied to him, so he shouldn’t trust what they say at all – only Levi. Wrapping his arms around Levi’s neck, Eren then said, “I want you to fuck me.”The words were so vulgar in nature that they felt odd in his mouth. It made his face burn with blush, but Levi only smiled, finding whatever part of Eren’s embarrassment enduring.“You’re so adorable,” Levi then said, giving Eren another kiss. “I’ll fuck you, fill you up and make you feel so damn good all you can think about is me, huh? You’d like that?”The room seemed to grow hotter with Levi’s words. Frantically and desperately Eren nodded, arching his back to try and get closer to Levi. It made the other boy chuckle, leaning to kiss Eren’s cheek one more time before sitting up. Two hands grabbed Eren’s legs, pushing them even wider apart.“As you wish, baby.”Both of them were naked, slightly breathless, hard and eager.Reaching for the bottle of oil that had been left abandoned somewhere in the midst of the clothes and blankets on the floor, Levi flicked the lid off of it. Touching himself, he slicked up his cock with the oil, not once breaking eye contact with Eren.“This might hurt at first –”“I’m ready.”Levi gave a small laugh, rolling his eyes. “You’ve only ever had my fingers in you. My dick is a lot bigger than that.”Eren’s heart skipped. His lips shyly broke into a smile, hands reaching up to rest on Levi’s hips. “Levi… hurry up, please, I want- to- to feel you.”“I know, I know baby. Don’t worry, I do indeed plan on fucking you tonight,” Levi winked.Everything was so exposed, so open; Levi was the only person that Eren would ever let see him naked. Levi was the only person Eren had even thought about having sex with.With one hand Levi pressed back Eren’s thigh, and with the other he held his cock as he steadied himself. As every second ticked by, Eren’s heartbeat paced faster – the blood rushing around his body, burning red into his cheeks, making his stomach flip and twist with anxiety. His hands gripped a little tighter onto where they were resting on Levi’s hips, trembling ever so slightly.
We’re doing nothing wrong. There’s nothing wrong with this. I want this. I want this. I want this.
When Levi pressed into him, it stung. It hurt a lot more than fingers; it was like a low burn, but it felt good, in a way Eren struggled to understand. Levi’s hands were intertwined with his own, and with each slow inch forward he’d glance up at Eren to make sure he was okay.It was soft. Intimate. Loving.“Ah, ah, you- uh- you can go a little faster,” Eren breathed out, squeezing Levi’s hands.Finally, the head of Levi’s cock was all the way in, stretching Eren open. Levi was right. Eren felt full, very full. And when Levi pushed forward, all the way in till the hilt, pleasure bled into Eren’s veins, filling every part of him. Levi pressed himself against Eren’s chest, wrapping his arms around Eren’s waist and tugging him closer. It still burned, but the fullness and gentle pleasure dulled it out. Then, slowly, Levi pulled out, before snapping his hips forward and fucking back into Eren, deep and hard.Letting out a whine, Eren started to pant, hiding his face into the crook of Levi’s neck. His hands rested in the curve of Levi’s back, nails digging into the skin. Heat and pleasure wrapped around him, dulling the stinging pain. “Levi! Ah, I- I feel so- fuck, I feel so full…”“Ha,” Levi moved, kissing Eren’s forehead as one hand brushed the hair off Eren’s face. “Yeah? Want me to slow down, or is this okay?”“It’s – It’s okay, ah!” Eren moaned loudly as Levi thrusted back in, cock hitting that sweet, sweet spot deep inside of Eren. He felt drunk on the pleasure, gripping onto Levi with a desperate need and craving. He wanted to be touched, to be kissed, to be fucked all night long. A low groan fell from his lips as Levi hit the same spot, over and over, filling Eren with nothing but lust.It was so good.How could he ever think this was wrong?“So beautiful, baby. You’re fucking gorgeous,” Levi murmured, rolling his hips. “Such a good boy for me, huh? Giving me such a special gift. You love this, don’t you?”“Ah, ah- y-yes, I love it, I love you, ah!” Eren panted, eyes rolling into the back of his head. He could feel his orgasm building ever so quickly, his toes curling as his legs wrapped around Levi’s legs; pulling his lover closer and deeper inside of him. The praise Levi gave him made his heart flip, a lovesick smile spreading across his lips.“Feel so good, Eren,” Levi said, slowing his pace. With long, gentle thrusts, Eren mewled. He breathed heavily, feeling his lower back ache ever so slightly.Looking up at Levi, Eren rested his hand on his lover’s cheek, “I’m- ah, I’m all yours, Levi,”“Fuck,” Levi’s hips snapped up at that, his cock hitting the right angle and making Eren whine loud, his hand dropping to grip Levi’s wrist. “Yeah, baby, you’re- ah, all mine, only mine, nobody else’s.”Levi pressed kisses to the hickeys on Eren’s neck, licking and biting gently on the sensitive skin as he still kept his pace. Each time he’d fuck into Eren the bed would creak slightly, and Eren’s cock – hard and leaking, almost painful as it rested against his stomach – would twitch.Pressing a kiss below his ear, Levi then whispered in-between thrusts, “You are mine, Eren. You belong to me, don’t you, baby? I’m the most important thing in your life, huh?”With a whine, Eren nodded, gasping as he said, “Yes, I’m yours, I’ll be so good for- ah, for you, Levi! You’re the- the most important, oh, ah!”He didn’t even know that sex could feel this good. Eren’s legs began to tremble, his whole body numb apart from the blinding, near exhausting pleasure that filled every crevice of him. Levi’s cock was so big, filling him up so nicely, fucking him so deep and well that Eren couldn’t hide the whining, gasping moans that fell from his lips. It was like he’d become dumb, only being able to think of Levi.Levi picked up the pace of his thrusts, slamming him to each time.Oh, was Eren going to be sore tomorrow.“You’d do anything for me, wouldn’t you?”“Yes!” Eren almost yelled out, hands shifting to grip Levi’s hair, “I would! Ah! Levi! Faster!”With each thrust, Eren almost screamed, voice cracking and body trembling as the arousal began to build. The bed frame slammed against the wall, no doubt waking up any neighbours – but Eren couldn’t care, all he could think of was Levi, and Levi’s thick cock inside of him, and the impending orgasm they both chased. Levi continued to moan, the sounds so beautiful to Eren that he continued to buck up to meet Levi’s thrusts, making Levi struggle to hold back.“Such- ah, such a good boy for me,” Levi said, leaning down to press a soft kiss to Eren’s lips, still fucking into him at the same pace. “Fucking hell, look at you. So gorgeous. You look so fucking pretty like this, fucked full of my cock.”“Ha, ah- yeah? Aren’t I pretty? Oh, I- ah, I love you, so much, so much Levi, you’re everything to me,” Eren started to babble, his heart full of love, his body full of lust, his mind full of Levi. “I- I don’t want anyone but you. It can’t be anyone but you! Levi! Fuck me, ah, oh, Levi!”Eren vaguely thought that his hands gripped tightly into Levi’s hair might be painful, but with another final thrust into him, his thoughts became blank.“I love you, Eren.”Near screaming Levi’s name, Eren threw his head back, entire body trembling as he reached his orgasm. But Levi continued to fuck into him, pressing kisses to Eren’s neck, chest, lips, his hands curled up under Eren’s back and holding him up against him.“Levi, ah, Levi,” Eren said, repeatedly mumbling his name as he rested his head in the crook of Levi’s neck. Sitting in Levi’s lap now, he felt one of Levi’s hands grip on his ass, pushing him up and down on Levi’s cock. The overstimulation stung, but it wasn’t unwelcomed.“Do you want me to stop? I’m close.”“Keep going,” Eren breathed out, looking up at Levi with half-lidded eyes. “I want to feel you. Inside.”Riding Levi’s cock, experimentally Eren rolled his hips. It made Levi groan in his ear, gripping tighter onto him, his cock thrusting up inside of him. Eren could feel it twitching, and he pushed back down against it. Stretched out around it, Eren couldn’t help but whine at the slight burn.Another final thrust and then Levi was moaning his name, the sound like heaven to his ears. Hot liquid filled him up, Levi’s cock still deep inside even minutes after they’d both finally reached their orgasm. “You okay, baby?” Levi broke the silence.Lifting up his head, Eren couldn’t hold back the weak smile draped across his bruised and swollen lips. “Mhm. I… ha- I can’t believe – no, no, that’s embarrassing.”Adverting his gaze, Eren shyly wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist. But his lover was curious, kissing his cheeks all over, a childish tone in his voice as he asked what was the matter.“Well,” Eren started, giving a quiet giggle. Looking up through his lashes, he said quietly, “I can’t believe I just had sex.”“You did.”“With the most amazing person in the whole world.”Levi’s eyes widened a little, smug expression faltering for only the split of a second. It returned before Eren could blink, and a gentle smile rested on his lips. “You’re so lovesick.”“Lovesick?” Eren titled his head. “What’s that?”“You love me so damn much you can’t even think.”Before Eren could reply, Levi had started to lift him up. Hissing, Eren let himself lean back against the bed, Levi’s cock sliding out of him, the air cold on his exposed skin. Reaching over to the floor, Levi picked up a towel he’d prepared before, wiping down their skin. It made Eren blush as Levi touched him gently, softly, lovingly; almost so much that he forgot what Levi had just said.Furrowing his brows, Eren shook his head in protest. Cupping Levi’s face, he said in the most serious of voices: “I can think. You’re the most amazing person. I know that for sure.”“I’m not that amazing,” Levi rolled his eyes. Shrugging his shoulders, he threw the towel somewhere in the dark room, keeping his gaze adverted. It made Eren’s heart sink.“You are. There’s nothing I don’t love about you.”“You don’t know everything about me.”Sitting up, Eren wrapped his arms around Levi’s neck. Both of them were still naked, but Eren paid it no mind at all. “Then tell me everything about you. I want to know everything.”The air had fallen quiet. Moments passed, no words spoken, Levi’s gaze still away from Eren. A howling wind outside broke the silence. Eren’s glance flickered to the window outside – snow had fallen – and then back to his boyfriend.“Levi –”“Let’s get dressed,” Levi then said. Standing up to gather the clothes that had been tugged off in haste, Eren followed suit in silence. There was a heavy stone weighing on his heart, despite what had just happened. He struggled into his pants, and then shoved on his shirt.Levi had put his pants back on, and was currently resting on the edge of the bed and buttoning up his shirt. Taking the lead, Eren moved forward to stand between Levi’s legs, not giving his lover any time to protest. Resting one hand on Levi’s shoulder, he used a finger to lift Levi’s chin, attempting to force the other to look him in the eye.“What’s wrong?” Eren asked, gulping down the knot in his throat. A frown etched into his features when Levi still avoided his gaze. “Did… Levi… did I do something wrong?”“Not at all, angel.”“Then why won’t you look at me?”Letting out a sigh, it was only then that Levi finally looked at Eren. He smiled softly, the sight relaxing to Eren, and reached up to brush loose locks of hair from Eren’s eyes. “It’s nothing. Are you cold? Sore, anywhere? I can grab you some water before we go to sleep. If you want to sleep, that is.”Eren shook his head, leaning closer to Levi. His lover wrapped his arms around Eren’s waist, his chin leaning against Eren’s stomach. He couldn’t help but smile, then, loving the way Levi touched him, loving the way it made him warm even in the winter night.“I want to know everything about you,” Eren said quietly, running his hands through Levi’s undercut. “What you like, what you don’t like. Your childhood, your hopes, what makes you angry, what makes you sad… I want to know it all, Levi. I love you. You know that, don’t you?”“Mhm.”“We’re boyfriends. I’ve…” Eren hesitated. Closing his eyes for a moment, he bit his lip, feeling the welling of tears. When he opened them, there was no doubt that the moonlight from the window reflected in his glassy eyes. He spoke with a heavy heart, an aching voice. “I’ve given up everything for you, Levi. My friends. My school. My family. I ran away from them, for you. I sinned, for you. I went behind my father’s back, snuck into his study, tried to learn his secrets for you.”Levi’s face went rigid, his jaw tight, but Eren kept talking.“And yet, you still are insecure around me? Do you think that I would ever hate you?”“I don’t know.”“I’ve told you. You’re the only person I want; the only person I ever need. Everyone else has lied to me my whole life, has… has only wanted to control me, to keep me from being free. Except you.”“I want you all to myself,” Levi then blurted out, his eyes widening and his grip on Eren’s waist loosening as he released what he had just spoken. But Eren only laughed, leaning down to kiss him on the forehead, thumbs rubbing gently over his cheeks.“You have me all to yourself, Levi,” Eren said, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”Levi stayed silent for a moment, and Eren could see in his eyes and the clenching-and-unclenching of his jaw that a million thoughts must have been running through his mind. He wanted to calm it down, to ease any insecurity that Levi had, yet Eren was unsure how.How could Levi – after everything Eren has done for him – be insecure about how much Eren loved him? Levi said it himself. Eren was lovesick. Even now, if Levi was to tell him he’d killed five men, Eren wasn’t sure if he’d be horrified or if his first reaction would be to simply ask why.“Eren,” Levi said, “Your mother and father aren’t good people.”
Well, that was not what I was expecting him to say.
With a smug chuckle, Eren nodded. “I know. They’re awful. And I hate them.”“You can’t go back to them.”“I don’t plan to.”“Stay with me.”“Levi,” Eren soothed, leaning down to kiss him. “That’s all I want.”“Even if… if I do something that… you don’t expect?”Eren furrowed his brows, rolling his eyes. “And what would that be? Just tell me.”“Eren, I- I’ve said it before, but I don’t think you understand,” Levi said, gaze finally meeting his. With a frown, he reached up to kiss Eren, hands trailing up Eren’s back and pulling him into his lap. Pulling away from the kiss, he pressed their foreheads together, an aura of importance around him.“Your parents have reported you missing. They’re looking for you all over. If they find you here… it can be dangerous, for me. They’ll want to hurt me, Eren, and we’ll never be able to see each other again.”
Oh.
Gulping down the anxiety, Eren shook his head. With his arms wrapped around Levi’s neck he secretly clenched his fists, trying to stop the fearful tears that watered up at the simple thought of never being able to see Levi again. Levi was his everything - Eren wasn’t sure if he could breathe without him. What was his life without Levi? Eren couldn’t even remember, anymore.“I won’t let them.”“Eren,” Levi breathed out, gently caressing his cheek. “You love me more than them, don’t you?”“Yes,” Eren said without missing a heartbeat.“And you want me to be safe, right?”“Of course, more than anything, I’ll do anything to keep you safe.”And then, with a sigh, Levi said, “They can’t be around anymore, then.”Whilst these past few weeks, a little tiny part – that Eren refused to acknowledge – did miss his parents, and his sister’s laugh, Eren knew it was only childish to do so. They hurt him, hated him, and would never let Eren be free. They would never understand his love for Levi, and would try to take Levi away from him, and so of course Eren understood that they could no longer be around.If Eren was to be with Levi forever, he couldn’t see his parents and sister anymore.And whilst that stung, and whilst his fallout with Armin also made his chest ache, Eren ignored it all. He ignored it all to focus on Levi, instead, just like he was told. Levi would make everything better. Levi would ease the aching of his heart. Levi was all he needed.“I know.”“I want them dead.”At those words, Eren felt his skin grow cold despite Levi’s touch. A shiver, caused by a feeling unknown, ran down his spine, his muscles growing stiff where he sat. His breath hitched in the back of his throat, as if his lungs had squeezed so tight that there was no air at all.“Huh?” Was all that Eren could manage to say, blinking and blank.He knew that his mother and father were dangerous to Levi. But… was it… needed for them to be dead? Was that not too much?“Can’t- Can’t you just make them go away,” Eren said, voice cracking, “Like you did with Mr Pyxis?”“Eren –”Before Levi could speak further, Eren shook his head, and stood. “Levi, can… can we talk about this later? Please? I- I’m tired. And sore. And… and I just…” Using the back of his hand, he wiped away the tears he hadn’t released he’d shed, “And I just want to cuddle with you! Please… please.”Letting out a sigh, Levi then softly, “Of course, Eren.” His hand curled around Eren’s waist, pulling him back into his lap simultaneously as Levi rested his back against the bed. They shifted to under the covers, Levi not even bothering to button up the rest of his shirt.Laying against Levi’s chest, Eren felt his heart calm down. He didn’t want to think about his mother or father, or the possibility of them hurting Levi and Eren never being able to see Levi again. Perhaps Levi didn’t truly, really, understand how much Eren adored him – there was nobody else, not even Armin, that Eren would give up everything for. There was only Levi.Snow continued to fall outside. Together they laid in silence, chests rising and falling to the beating of their hearts. Beneath his hand, where it laid on Levi’s skin, Eren could feel the heartbeat. He could hear it beat in his ear, making his lips curl up in a smile because Levi was here; he was still here, he wasn’t leaving. Eren wanted to cherish every moment with him.An ache had spread in his lower back, no doubt being from having sex with Levi a little less than an hour ago. Simply thinking about it made blush paint Eren’s cheeks a rosy red.“What you smiling about, my love?”“Nothing,” Eren said softly, before letting out the faintest of giggles. He looked up to Levi, a shy smile on his lips. “Did… you like my gift?”Levi hummed, leaning down to give Eren a kiss. “Very much.”“Levi,” Eren said, “We… can do that again. I liked it, ha.”“Shh, watch your words,” Levi chuckled, running a hand through Eren’s hair, “Or we’ll do it again right now.”At that, Eren laughed loudly, pressing an open kiss to Levi’s mouth. He grinned into it, his heart flipping and butterflies blooming in his stomach at the thought. “No… I’m too sore.”“My Eren is sore?”Eren pulled back and pouted, nodding his head childishly. Clicking his tongue, Levi let out a soothing sound, resting his palm on Eren’s cheek. “Do you need medicine?”“I need cuddles,” Eren said. “That’ll make me better.”Responding, Levi squeezed his arms a little tighter around Eren, resting his chin on the top of his head. Under the blankets, and in Levi’s embrace, Eren felt warm and safe. Drowsiness began to sink into his muscles, his eyes fluttering closed as he let sleep began to take over him.Levi’s words – I want them dead – echoed in his mind. It made his stomach twist, an uneasiness settling inside him, but Eren knew there must be a reason. With his parents… gone, it would be much safer for them to be together. And, besides, his father was not a good person. His father lied about people like Eren and Levi, he wanted to try and cure them with sick remedies, and perhaps even helped build some sort of prison to keep people like them away from the public.Would Eren really miss his mother and father that much if they were dead?There was no doubt in Eren’s mind that Levi was good. He was kind, strong, protective. If Levi said that his parents must die, then, maybe… maybe, it is because he knew more than Eren. He was older, after all, and more free than Eren had ever been. And- And- And-Eren sighed. What was he trying to do? Justify Levi’s words? Levi is always right. If he wants Eren’s mother and father dead, then that’s it. He wants them dead, and Eren should trust him that it was the right thing. He’s always right, isn’t he?
He’s never lied to you. He loves you. That’s why he wants you to be free.
Even if you’re a little lonelier than before, and you don’t go to school anymore, and you haven’t seen your friends in a month, and Armin is no longer your best friend, and your family think you are missing and dead in a ditch somewhere.
Levi is here. Levi is all that matters. Trust him. He’s always right.
It was quiet, when Eren spoke. "I trust you. Always.""Mhm," Levi said, hand still gently brushing through Eren's hair."Whatever you... want to do, to my parents," Eren said with a shudder, voice breathy and cracked. He gulped, hiding the tremor in his words when he spoke again, "I trust you. I- I just want to be with you, Levi. That's all I want. Please... don't ever leave me. I don't think I could take it."Outside, the faint sounds of bells rang. It was midnight. The clock had struck twelve, the first minute of the 25th of December arriving. Eren snuggled closer to Levi, focusing on the steady beating of his heart. He curled his fingers around one of Levi's hands, his leg thrown over Levi's. A frown pulled down on his features, but it faded when Levi kissed the top of his forehead. Levi was all he had, now. Eren should do everything to protect what they have.With a whisper, he said, "Happy birthday, Levi.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Weeks had passed since Eren’s disappearance.
He had spent Levi’s birthday cuddled in bed, drinking liquor with Levi’s family and friends, and then had been fucked throughout the evening despite his muscles and body already quite sore.
Paranoia had begun to seep into Eren’s everyday life, despite the bliss at being able to fall asleep and wake up in his lover’s arms. He wasn’t allowed to leave the house, except for on the rare occasion they went to Hanji’s café – and that was way past midnight, and they walked in the dark and quietly.
In those night hours outside the house, Eren saw his face everywhere. Missing posters with a drawing of him, a description of his appearance and last known sighting were on every corner lamppost, every store, every street sign. There was a 500,000¥ reward for anyone who had solid information or knew where Eren was. Farlan had said that his mother and father had spoken in front of the town hall, his mother’s face full of tears and his father’s voice heavy, begging for anyone who knew what had happened to their
darling son
to come forward.
Constantly, Eren felt his heart ache ever so little. He felt scared to look out of the window during the day, now, fearing that somebody would see his face and then his relationship with Levi would be all over, and Eren would have to return home to the people that constantly hurt him.
Maybe he missed his sister, and his mother’s hugs, but Eren told himself repeatedly that soon enough he will forget it all. Soon enough, Levi will be truly the only thing that mattered to him.
He’d taken to thinking of his boyfriend whenever the guilt and the ache would get too much. If Levi was there, he’d kiss him all over, hold his hand, cuddle him closer. Anything to distract Eren.
When Eren had asked Levi a week ago when he’d be allowed outside during the day again, Levi had told him that it would have to be after his parents were dead.
So, until his parents died, Eren had to stay hidden. It was not safe for Eren to be out in the sun.
Other than missing posters with his face all over town, it was also nearing the election. Campaign posters and slogans for Rod Reiss were often stabled right next to Eren’s missing posters. Last Tuesday, when Eren had visited Hanji’s café some early hour of the morning, she had told him that Rod Reiss kept mentioning Eren’s name in his speeches, too.
“Oh, I saw one of his speeches. The old man said that, since your dad is his right-hand man I guess, that everyone must pity them in this time. Or something like that,” Hanji said, waving her hand dismissively. Empty liquor bottles and half-eaten slices of cake were scattered around the table, as the group continued to talk about the upcoming election.
Eren furrowed his brows, leaning back in his seat. “Why would he say that? My father isn’t running for mayor. And I don’t have anything to do with the election.”
Beside him, Levi scoffed, finishing up his shot of whiskey and placing the empty glass back on the table. “They’re using you for sympathy. To get more voters to pity them so they’ll vote for that bastard.”
In the present, it was the eve of the new year. Eren lazily circled an empty shot glass with his finger, a low sound being emitted as he did so. Levi sat to his left at the table in their living room, a hand resting on Eren’s thigh. Farlan and Isabel poured cocktails in the kitchen, laughing and chatting to themselves about topics Eren didn’t care for. Hanji, having placed one of her favourite records on the player, took a sit at the table across from them. A cake, three layers tall and layered thick in vanilla icing, sat in the middle. Opened bottles of alcohol were around it, along with various empty glasses.
It seemed, that a lot of what Eren did in the past few days was drink. Drink when he woke up, drink when he ate, and drink before he slept. Alcohol, at least, made him feel a little numb, a little happy.
Not that he wasn’t happy. Of course he was. He finally had time alone with Levi – and that was all he had ever wanted. Wasn’t it?
Parts of him still ached from where Levi had touched him so intimately. He’d only just first had sex a few days ago, the day before Levi’s nineteenth. And yet, since then, they’d had sex another four times. It was as if as soon as Eren finally let Levi fuck him, Levi had suddenly wanted it almost every night. Eren didn’t complain though – it felt nice. He felt loved. The ache in his lower back the next morning, however, was the only thing he didn’t quite like.
“Eren,” Levi said, squeezing his thigh. “The election is in twelve days.”
“And?”
Levi raised a brow at Eren’s lack of reply. “And your mother and father, and that old bastard Reiss are going to continue using your disappearance to earn sympathy. Doesn’t that bother you?”
“Levi,” Eren sighed, rolling his head to rest it on his lover’s shoulder. He picked at the decaying, chipped wooden table, and said, “I just want to be with you. I don’t really care what they speak of me.”
“I…” Hanji started to speak, using a knife to cut a rather large slice of the cake. She picked it up with her hands, “… heard that your father is building some sort of clinic. Said at a rally a few days ago that it’ll be open in two weeks, just after the election is finished.”
And then she spooned the cake in her mouth, as if what she had just said didn’t make Eren’s skin cold.
“Oh?” Eren breathed, hands moving to clutch at his pants instead, and then to clutch at Levi’s own. His father’s words rang in his mind, a panicked memory of when he’d asked Eren to volunteer. To help cure people like himself, with sick and painful memories only a cruel man could think of.
When was that? It seemed so long ago now, but, in reality, it must have only been in October. Or was it November? Eren couldn’t remember that well. All his memories of the past few months have seemed to twist around each other, mixed and fragmented.
“Eren,” Levi kissed his skin gently, just below his ear, and said in a quiet voice, “I won’t let him hurt you. Everything is going to be okay.”
“But- But he’s going to hurt others like us.”
“We can burn it down.”
“What?” Eren looked to Levi, feeling himself grow breathless. “Burn it?”
“Down,” Hanji added, a smile on her face as she said so. Maybe, if there was air left in Eren’s lungs and they were not talking about burning down a building his father owned, he would have laughed.
“Why would we do that?” Eren said.
Levi moved his hand, intertwining their fingers together. He brought it up to his lips, and pressed a feather soft kiss to the knuckles. “Why not? It’ll stop him from hurting people like us.”
“But he already paid a lot of money for it. And- and some of it isn’t his! It’s Rod Reiss’.”
“More of the reason to burn it down!” Hanji laughed.
“What are we burning?” Isabel perked up from the kitchen, standing on the balls of her feet. A grin had etched across her face, her wild red hair pulled up into two buns. A cocktail was in one hand, and in the other was a bottle of alcohol. She seemed excited at the suggestion, whereas Eren couldn’t help but feel his stomach tighten, his breaths shallow; wasn’t burning something so big dangerous?
“Eren’s father is building some weird, anti-homosexual clinic. So we’re going to burn it.”
“What’s a homosexual?” Isabel furrowed her brows, head tilting. Farlan let out a laugh, playfully slapping her over the head. “Hey!” She pouted. “What were’ that for?”
“It’s people like Eren and Levi, dumbass.”
“Eh? Men?”
“No!” Farlan spat out, ears going red. “I’m not like them!”
“Men who fancy other men, Iz’,” Hanji said, waving her hand dismissively in their direction before turning her attention back to Eren and Levi. “Anyway. I think it’s a great idea. It’ll be fun!”
“What if we get hurt?” Eren asked quietly, squeezing Levi’s hand tighter.
A small smile curled on Levi’s lips, as his thumb traced circles into Eren’s palm. There wasn’t a flicker of uneasiness on his face; Levi always seemed so calm, so collected, so assured of what to do next. Eren wished he could be like that. He wished that he could feel safe in a place other than by Levi’s side.
His lover leaned to him, his lips pressed soft against Eren’s cheek, and he murmured in the gentlest of tones, “I’ll keep you safe. You will never be hurt with me, Eren.”
“Will we bring Kenny?” Farlan called from the kitchen. He had a tall glass of whiskey in one hand, his blonde hair swept off his face and leather jacket littered with stitch marks.
“Nah,” Levi said. “He’s busy anyway. Him and Erwin got’ a job that’ll keep them busy for a few days.”
“What job?” Eren asked.
“Nothing important.”
Even though Eren and Levi were boyfriends, and loved each other more than anything, Levi still never talked much about their job. For the past almost-two weeks that Eren had been staying with them, they often left during the night, and would come back strange hours of the morning. Levi would always shower before he climbed into their bed, smelling freshly of vanilla soap. Curiosity had started to eat up Eren inside; he wanted to know what they did. After all, Eren and Levi were to be together forever, weren’t they? Shouldn’t Eren know what Levi’s job was?
In the mornings there would be no newspapers for Eren to read. Kenny read them, and then would burn them in the fireplace. All that Eren knew about what was happening outside the house was what the group had told him. He itched to go out in the sun, to go down to the river with Levi like they had done so many times before. To see his friends (what was left of them), to play soccer in the park. To kiss Levi at the lookout on top of the mountain, where he had done for the first time many weeks ago.
Eren felt as if he was kept in the dark. Puzzle pieces surrounded him, but he couldn’t figure out which connected to which. He wanted to know more. But Levi didn’t think he should.
And so you should respect that. Levi knows more than you. Levi knows what is best for you.
“I still don’t see why we have to burn down the building,” Eren said in a small voice, head down, spare hand gripping the ends of his shorts. His stomach dropped as his thoughts began to wander to what Levi had told him after they first had sex, and with a tremble in his voice he said with a whisper, “Aren’t… aren’t my parents going to die, anyway? Why do we have to burn down the building?”
Hot, stinging tears pricked at the corner of his eyes as he spoke. Blinking them away before they could fall, Eren tried to swallow the stone that had risen up to the back of his throat with no success. It felt as if his stomach was twisting inside of him, a low, aching pain forming in his chest.
To be truthful, Eren knew that Levi must be right. If Levi said his parents must die, then, his parents must die, and Eren shouldn’t question it. With his mother and father dead and gone, Eren could stay with Levi forever. He could be safe. He could kiss Levi whenever he wanted. He could travel outside of Shiganshina, outside of the place where he had felt trapped and stagnant his entire life.
But… why couldn’t they just leave? Leave the city, and travel to a faraway place where nobody could find them?
Why did his parents have to die? If they left Shiganshina, wouldn’t they be safe?
Perhaps they could travel to Trost, or Stohess. They could buy a small house near a forest, and raise some animals. Eren would grow a garden, and they could sell excess food at a market. His parents would be far away, and Eren would be completely safe, falling asleep in Levi’s arms each night.
“Eren,” Levi’s voice came close to his ear, “Did you hear what I just said?”
A sigh fell from Eren’s lips. Once again, he’d been thinking too hard, and the world around him had disappeared. He shook his head, gaze still fixated on his lap.
“What are you thinking about?” Levi asked; alas, he knew Eren too well.
“Ah… it’s just….” Eren said, words shaking. Levi seemed to notice the unease that settled over Eren, and within moments he’d taken Eren by the arm, pulled him out of the chair and started to ascend the staircase. Isabel called out after them, but Levi waved his hand dismissively.
In Levi’s room, the curtains were pulled back to reveal a glowing moon. Blue night light shone in through the windows, but the room was still dark, with shadows dancing off the walls. Levi shut the door behind them, cutting them off from the rest of the world. It was quiet. Eren stood still in the middle of the room, fingers fidgeting with each other by his side.
“Eren,” Levi repeated his name, stepping over to the front of him. The gentle scent of vanilla loomed in the air; a scent Eren had long learned to associate with safety, comfort, Levi. His lover’s hands reached up to rest on his neck, the action drawing a sigh from Eren. He closed his eyes, letting himself fall forward to press his face against Levi’s chest.
“What’s wrong, angel?”
“Do they really have to die?”
Eren’s voice was small. He did not say who they were, but Levi knew. The hands around his neck moved to his waist, pulling him closer in an embrace.
“Yes.”
“Why?” Eren mumbled. A part of his consciousness told him to
shut up, to accept what Levi wanted, to trust in Levi’s choice
. But he feared the uncomfortable, heavy stone that sat on top of his chest would not leave unless he spoke, and so, speak he did. “Why do they have to die? Why can’t we just leave? We can leave Shiganshina, and - and go somewhere else, far away from my parents. Won’t we be safe then?”
A sigh. A pair of lips pressed softly to his forehead, and then a gentle, “No.”
“We can only be safe when they are gone. Your mother and father are not good people, Eren. They will hurt others if they are still alive. Isn’t that why you will burn down this clinic with me? To protect others?”
“We - We can just go to the police,” Eren stuttered. “And tell them my parents are hurting people. And - and that they hurt me! It’ll be okay then. They’ll be arrested.”
Next to him, the sound of a low laugh made Eren’s stomach drop.
Am I stupid?
“Angel, we can’t trust the police. The police are paid by the mayor, and the mayor unfortunately is best friends with your father. It won’t work.”
“But - But Levi -”
“Stop,” Levi said, and Eren felt his limbs freeze. Hands cupped his face, bringing his gaze up to Levi’s. His lover’s brows were furrowed, lips pressed thin into lines and eyes as unreadable as ever. “You hate your parents. Why do you care about them?”
“I - I -”
“Say it after me, Eren,” Levi said, thumbs resting on Eren’s cheeks. “You hate your parents. You don’t care about your parents. Your parents hate you, and they don’t care about you, and they are awful people.”
Rocks quickly built up in his stomach, reaching the top of his throat, making Eren unable to breathe. He blinked away the tears as quickly as they formed, not wanting Levi to see. Mumbled, incoherent sounds fell from his lips as he struggled to talk, struggled to think, struggled to obey.
“Eren,” His name was repeated, a sense of urgency in the tone.
“I- I- I hate my parents,” Eren stuttered out, breaths quick and shallow as the imaginary chains wrapped around his body seemed to tighten, making him unable to move. “I don’t - don’t care about them! I
don’t
!”
The last few words came out in a cry, a pathetic broken sob as the tears began to form quicker than he could blink them away. They rolled down his flushed cheeks, hot and full of shame and guilt and emotions Eren couldn’t even decipher.
Why was he crying? Levi was right. Wasn’t it? He
had
to be right. Levi never lied to him. He was always correct. Always so much smarter than Eren had ever and could ever be. So why was he crying?
“Shh, shh, that’s right, keep going, my love.” Levi soothed him, pressing kisses to his cheeks and hands moving to rub his back.
“They
hate
me,” Eren wailed, wrapping his arms around Levi and pushing his face into the crook of Levi’s neck, hiding himself from the world. “They hate me! They hate me so much! They don’t care about me, I - I don’t care about them!”
“Good boy,” Levi praised. In the midst of the tears, Eren felt his heart skip; and then immediately felt disgust, for a reason he couldn’t understand.
“They’re awful people,” Eren sniffled, “Oh, Levi, I feel so -”
“Don’t you want them dead?” Levi cut him off. “Everything will be so much easier once they are gone. We can stay together forever. We’ll be safe.”
Eren struggled to breath, sucking in desperate, shallow breaths. He cried, shoulders shaking and chest heaving as he leaned his entire body weight onto Levi. The tears burned behind his closed eyes. They didn’t stop. They didn’t slow.
“Tell me you want them dead.”
“I- I-” Eren shook his head, feeling his entire body ache, “I don’t know!”
“Tell me,” Levi repeated, grip around Eren tightening. “Just say it. It’s all you have to do, baby, just tell me. I know you want to.”
“But I’ll miss them!”
“You’ll have me,” Levi said a little louder, kissing Eren’s cheeks, “You’ll have me and that’s all that matters. Aren’t I the most important thing to you?”
“Levi!” Eren cried out, loud enough so that those downstairs could hear the desperateness in his voice. “You’re - You’re the most important. I promise! I - I don’t want anyone else but you! I love you,” Eren said, voice breaking as he did so.
“I love you too, angel,” Levi whispered, “I love you more than anyone else could ever love you. I just want to keep you safe. I just want to let you be
free
.”
Free
.
“Don’t you want that?”
“Yes,” Eren said with a whisper, feeling himself drained of energy. “I want to feel free.”
“When they’re dead, you can finally be free.”
Moments ticked by and the pair stood embraced in silence. Eren continued to sob, hiccuping occasionally, the stones in his throat slowly fading. Levi’s hands rubbed his back, and his lips kissed his cheeks softly, his touch wrapping him up in comfort.
Pulling back, Eren rubbed at his eyes, before his gaze flickered back to Levi’s.
With a hand resting on Levi’s cheek, Eren kissed him with no words or no warning. It was slow, gentle, but desperate. With thoughts fragmented and racing, Eren begged for himself to calm. Levi was here. Eren was safe. He was only safe with Levi.
“I…” Eren hesitated. But the warm smile that curled on Levi’s lips edged him forward. He sighed, relaxing his shoulders. He rested his forehead against Levi’s, and closed his eyes as he breathed in.
“I want them dead.”
Hours later, in the early morning, Eren stood close to Levi. Heat warmed his skin, and bright colours of oranges and yellows reflected in his eyes. Before him, flames danced high in the night sky, the wood crackling and lighting with ease.
Isabel laughed when the building collapsed. Eren couldn’t understand what was funny about it. His face was blank. Unmoving. Unsmiling, even when Levi kissed his forehead and told him that everything was going to be just fine.
Because, in reality, it didn’t feel fine. Nothing felt fine.
Eren felt uneasy. Paranoid. He walked around with a constant weight over his chest that had yet to go and yet to elevate, not even when he’d done everything that Levi had wanted him too.
He was so in love. So why did he feel so… unsettled?
“Levi,” Eren called for his lover’s attention. When he looked over, Eren kissed him.
Whatever. It didn’t matter. Once his parents are dead, then the weird feeling inside of him will leave. It must. It only appeared when Levi told him his parents must die.
Soon enough, Eren will only have Levi.
Finally, he will be free.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hands clutched at his skin, burnt and blooded. They ripped him bare, tearing off pieces of his flesh like pieces of cooked meat, passive to the sounds of his scratching screams and the panicked sweat that drenched him. There was only darkness that surrounded him; no light, no comfort, no gentleness. Gunshots echoed in the background, and in front of him Eren could see Bertholdt’s head split open, his eyes go blood-shot as the crimson liquid splattered all over his own body. The hands continue to move, grabbing at him all over.
He was standing somewhere, though he could not tell, and all he could see was Bertholdt’s head crack down the middle, again and again, splitting and then stitching back up only for the gunshot to be heard and it all to be repeated. He could hear his father’s shouting voice - but the words were all too muffled. It seemed so close, as if his father was right next to his ear, and yet at the same time it seemed so far away, as if Eren was far beneath the ocean waves and someone was calling to him from the surface.
A body walked around in the shadows, skin covered in welts and boils with its intestines dragging across the floor, leaving blood streaks in its place. It turned to him, a sickening smile etched onto his features, his eye sockets empty and hollow.
There was a deep, physical pain, all over his body, all right down to his blood and bones; and yet, Eren did not scream from the pain, that seemed to be all but numbing to him - he screamed from the nothingness. The air was turning into smoke, the heat of invisible flames choking him. The shouting in his ears started to ring louder and louder until all Eren could do was beg in a broken whisper for it all to be quiet.
Historia’s gentle voice could be heard muffled, calling his name. Then there was Armin, begging him to just listen, and Mikasa, telling him not to go anywhere with strangers.
Strangers. Like Levi once was.
“Levi,” The boy’s name fell from his lips, so natural at this point. Whenever Eren was scared, or hurt, or afraid, he called for Levi. Levi - the person he went to for comfort, for knowledge, for love. Who was there else? Nobody. Everyone had gone, left and discarded. There was only Levi, now. There was nobody else that he could turn to.
But Levi wasn’t there. He wasn’t there, and Eren felt the hands start to rip at his bloodied muscle, pulling it harshly from the bone and tendons, taking him down to nothing at all.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
“Eren! Eren!” Someone was shaking him, shouting at him. Suddenly, everything became cold. Eren felt himself suck in a deep breath, as if it was for the first time. Blinking open his eyes, the pain slowly subdued, and Levi’s form came into view above him. His brows were creased together, and his lips were still moving - Eren’s name being said, over and over. “What?” Eren said. His hands felt like heavy weights as he tried to rub his eyes, finding them tear-stained and sore. Sniffling, he wiped his wet cheeks with the backs of his hands. “Sorry.”“You were thrashing around in your sleep,” Levi muttered. He moved from on-top of him, sitting instead beside. Eren sat up, leaning his body against Levi’s shoulders. The bedroom was cold, and outside snow was falling rapidly in the darkness. The sheets had been ripped off the bed - probably Levi trying to wake Eren up from the temperature change. “It was just a bad dream.” “What about?”A sigh slipped past his lips. “Nothing.” “Tell me,” Levi said, his hand curling around Eren’s waist. “I want to know.”“What is there to say? I felt like a million hands were stripping me down till I was a skeleton. I kept seeing my old classmate’s head be shot open, and then sewed shut, and then shot open again. Mr Leonheart was there, walking around in the distance, still… fucking smiling, and there I was, all alone, and I couldn’t move at all,” Eren said with a shudder, turning his head away to hide the visable drop in his expression. There was a silence. Then, gently, Levi pressed his lips against Eren’s cheek, and said with a slow breath, “It’s… just a nightmare. It’s okay. I’m here.” “But it happened. Those things I dreamt of. So is it really a nightmare?” Eren said, flickering his gaze towards Levi. “If it’s just me remembering what happened to them?”Levi’s brows furrowed, his lips pressing thin as he paused for a moment. Eren could see him thinking, his eyes - dark in the night light - moving as they looked all over Eren’s face. In all honesty, Eren probably looked horrible - sweating, with blushed cheeks, hair stuck up in a hundred different places - but Levi still looked, studying him for a while. “Are you… seeing things again?”“No,” Eren said far too quickly. “Are you sure?” Levi pressed, his hand moving to rest on top of Eren’s, soothingly holding it gently. “Have you ever had weird dreams like that, before?”Eren shook his head. “Not really,” He paused, and then continued. “I’m sure I am fine, Levi. It’s just… just a bad dream. I’m not seeing anything. I… I just - yeah, I’m fine.”“What?” Levi asked, picking up on the hesitation. “Nothing.”“Tell me, Eren. Don’t hide anything from me,” Levi said softly, leaning a little closer, caressing the side of Eren’s face with his other hand. It was tender, the action, and Eren pressed his head into it, savouring the touch and the comfort. “I feel like a fucking mess,” Eren admitted, muscles tense. His voice was quiet and low, as if what he said was shameful to speak of. His mother and father never gave Eren the right environment to be open when he was struggling; they always responded by telling him to pray, telling him it was because he is distant from his God.Well, Eren hadn’t prayed in weeks. “You’re not,” Levi said, and kissed him. Eren’s heart fluttered, and then dropped, deep into the pit of his stomach. He felt like crying. He wrapped his arms tight around Levi’s neck, pulling him closer, and deepening the kiss. “Levi,” Eren spoke against his lips, “If you ever leave me, I think I’ll die.” “I’m not leaving you, Eren,” Levi said, hand reaching to tuck the wisps of Eren’s hair behind his ear. “Never. I’m yours, and you are mine, don’t you remember?” “I’m yours, and you’re mine,” Eren whispered, studying the faint freckles across Levi’s nose, the dark circles underneath his ice eyes, the shade of pink on his lips. “Mine, mine, mine.” Levi’s hands played with his hair, occasionally kissing the top of his head as his spare hand rubbed up and down the exposed skin of Eren’s back. They embraced, naked in the cold. Hickeys sucked into the skin from the past night’s sessions of sex were dark in the dimmed light, looking like bruises all over their bodies. It must have been sometime around early morning, for they only went to bed past midnight. The moon was no longer so high in the sky.Eren pressed a kiss to the sensitive skin of Levi’s neck, continuing to speak softly, “What was that word you said I was? When I think about you.”“Hmm?”“Lovesick…” Eren muttered, fingers tracing Levi’s collarbones as he leaned his head on Levi’s shoulder. “Levi, you could do anything, and I’d still love you. Please don’t ever leave me.”“My love, I already said I will not leave you.”“Everyone else has left, Levi. All I have is you.” He felt Levi press his lips to his forehead, before resting his chin on top of Eren’s head. Tears slipped past Eren’s eyes, trailing down his cheeks. His heart twisted and turned and flipped, never settling inside of him, continuing to pace. The feeling of horror, of sickness and fear still lingered in his bones, and when Eren closed his eyes he saw flashes of blood and split skin. Will he ever heal? Will things ever become easier? “I miss the sun,” Eren muttered.“You can go out during the day when your parents are dead.” “But I want to go out now,” Eren half-whispered, half-whined. “All day, every day, I am stuck inside. And when you’re home it’s okay. But when you are gone, I feel so bored, I get so lonely and then all I can think about is all the horrible things that have happened,” he admitted.He didn’t know why he was speaking so much. Everything was just falling from his lips, his mouth forming words before Eren could think, and without letting Levi speak he continued. “The most I have gone outside is when we burned down my father’s clinic. Feeling the heat of the fire and the light of it in my eyes was the closest I have come in many days to feeling the heat of the sun and being in the light of it. I want to go outside.”“Eren,” Levi sighed, running his hand through Eren’s hair. “I… I understand -”“I know you would.”“But it’s dangerous, angel. Your face - it’s everywhere. Literally on every shop door, every lamp post. The mayor has used your disappearance as part of his campaign, trying to get some fucking sympathy… don’t you understand? What if someone sees you?” Eren pouted. “I know it’s dangerous but… but I could wear a coat. I’ll keep the hood up and make sure nobody talks to me. You will be there, won’t you? We’ll be safe.” “Where would you even want to go?” Levi questioned.“The look-out,” He replied quickly, and looked up to Levi through his lashes with a small smile on his lips. “Where we had our first kiss.” Levi’s face changed, then. His expression loosened, lips partening ever so slightly, pupils growing wider in his eyes. A few seconds later and Eren’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of the fainted, rosiest blush across the bridge of Levi’s cheeks. Beautiful .“Oh,” Levi muttered, still staring, still blushing. Eren wanted to kiss him all over, squeal at how adorable he looked and then kiss him even more. Levi was strong, Levi could protect Eren against anything and everything, Levi could carry him all the way home from the forest by the river and yet Levi still blushed when Eren mentioned his first kiss.“What did you think I was going to say? I know it’s dangerous. If I wanted to go outside, it's somewhere special. Somewhere special with you.”“You really are going to be the death of me,” Levi muttered, giving Eren a second to react before he kissed him, biting his lip, holding his head closer. Eren’s heart fluttered and he smiled into the kiss, letting Levi guide him and take the lead. No matter what happened - at least Eren had Levi. “Levi,” He pulled back, licking his lips, his body shivering from the touch and the cold. “Once my parents are dead, we should travel somewhere. Outside of Shiganshina.”“Yeah?” Levi said, a smile curling on his face. “Where do you want to go?”“Anywhere. Anywhere with you.” “Hm… let’s see the ocean,” Levi said, leaning their foreheads together. Eren smiled, and nodded, wrapping his arms around Levi’s torso and letting their bodies rest against one another. Months ago he longed to travel, to see the world, to be free; once he had hoped he could do it with Armin and Mikasa by his side.But alas, they’re gone now, and all Eren had was Levi. Which was fine, Eren continued to tell himself, over and over. Despite the growing empty feeling in his chest, the itch to see the sun and to feel the winter wind on his face, it was fine, everything was fine , because Levi was here and Levi was all that mattered anymore. His friends, his family, his God were once the most important things to Eren. He held them close, scared to be left and forgotten. Now, Eren had none of that. No friends, no family, no God to follow. There was just Levi. There would always be just Levi. He was the most important thing, now. He was the one Eren wanted to follow for the rest of his life. He’d do anything that Levi asked of him, if it meant that he could see Levi’s smile, that he could kiss Levi’s lips, that he could fall asleep each night in his bed. Lovesick truly was what Eren felt when he thought of Levi. Stupid, foolish, and lovesick. Not that Levi ever would - Levi was kind, gentle and sweet - but if he’d slapped Eren, like his mother or father slapped Eren, Eren would probably just smile, and apologise for making him angry. Levi could do anything and everything and Eren would continue to follow him.For Heaven’s sake, he’d bluntly told Eren he wanted to kill his mother and father and yet Eren was still sitting in his bed, naked and embracing him close. What was his life before Levi? Eren couldn’t even remember, anymore. Days ago, when they had burned down the clinic, it seemed that the whole world had slowed down for a moment. Eren remembered watching the building alight into flames, hearing Isabel laugh at the destruction. He remembered the way the light illuminated Levi’s face - casting shadows into each dip and crevice of his skin. Levi had told him that night that his parents must die, convinced him that it was what needed to happen and that is what Eren wanted.Which must be true. Eren wanted his mother and father to die. Levi told him so, and Levi was always right, he never lied to Eren, and he always knew so much more than Eren could ever. After all, Levi was nineteen now. Eren was still fifteen and young and stupid. To be as wise and knowledgeable and mature as Levi was, was only a dream to him. The clinic was burned to ashes. They had to leave before it came crashing down, because people in the surrounding neighbourhood woke up to the bright light and crackling wood, alerting the authorities. Levi had held his hand as they raced through the alleys and back streets, hiding to avoid the military police and firefighters that raced in the other direction.Eren’s entire body had shaken, and yet he smiled as Levi pulled him along, as they raced back home. It was scandalous, and dangerous, and oh, oh so criminal - arson, burning down a building that his own father owned and built with money loaned from the mayor - and yet Eren loved every single second of it. “Did they say anything in the paper… about the clinic?” Eren said, interrupting the silence.“You’d know if they knew it was us, baby,” Levi chuckled, and Eren felt his heart skip. “They did, though. Said it must have been a gang, or a group of angry homosexual criminals. But I guess that explains us pretty well, huh?” “Angry homosexual criminals,” Eren laughed quietly, looking up at Levi from where he snuggled against his chest. In part, Eren already knew too well that they’d broken various laws over their months together. But still… it hadn’t quite sunken in. It seemed far away. As if that was another him. “It still feels… fake. That we’re criminals.” “Eren, us just being together like this - naked, cuddling - is enough to be seen as breaking at least one law. Our love itself is criminal, so why should we care about any other laws?” “Some laws are there to stop people from doing bad things.”“What is bad and what is good is subjective. People will do things that others consider bad anyway, regardless if there is a law or not. I don’t think murdering another person is bad, if they’re a terrible fucking person, or if they make me angry.”Eren bit his lip, mind flickering back to the time Eren and Levi had come across the two military police officers in the alley. It was months ago now, and his memory is a bit faded. Levi had told him to close his eyes, and told him he had to do what he did to protect Eren. Back then, Eren had assumed he’d just knocked the officers out. But, if he recalled, there were mentions of two dead military officers found in the newspaper that next day. A knot swelled up in his throat. He gripped onto Levi tighter.“You killed those two police officers,” Eren said, voice quiet, eyes blank. “In the alley. When you told me to close my eyes… it was so I didn’t see you kill them.” He heard Levi take a sharp intake of breath, hands pausing for only a moment.“I did. I did it to protect you.”“But… God… God said killing is -”“Who cares what your God thinks, Eren?” Levi interrupted him. His hands shifted, resting on the sides of Eren’s face and lifting his chin to lock their eyes. “If he was real, and if he could see us right now, he’d be fucking disgusted. Is that a God you want to love?” Blinking away tears, Eren went to shake his head. “Ah, you’re - you’re right, Levi,” He said, pressing a haste and shaky kiss to his lover. “I’m sorry. I just - yeah, sometimes, I still feel bad for… yeah. I’m sorry.” “Don’t apologise, my love,” Levi soothed him, running a hand through his hair. “You’ve been lied to your entire life. They tried to mold you into something you’re not, and so now it’s hard for you to be truly free. But you can’t be free until you stop caring . Who cares about any of these laws? They are all made up, fake and useless anyway. I say… we should do what we want.”“Yeah, they all lied to me,” Eren repeated, closing his eyes as he rested his head on Levi’s shoulder. “Except for you. Never you.” “No, I’d never lie to you, I’m only helping you, aren’t I?” Levi spoke, his tone of voice gentle and soft and sweet enough to make Eren sigh with a small smile on his lips.“You are,” Eren said, “Which is why I should only ever listen to you.”Levi’s lips twisted into a smirk, then, and he pressed a kiss to Eren’s forehead, a small chuckle in the back of his throat that brought warmth to the pit of Eren’s stomach. “That’s exactly right. You’re such a good boy, always doing exactly what I tell you to do…” “I trust you,” Eren whispered, blinking away the stray tears that continued to fall. He didn’t quite understand why he was crying, or why his stomach was twisting itself into knots. It was only Levi, and if Levi killed someone, there must be a reason for it. “You’re always right.”His boyfriend smiled at him then, a sight so beautiful in the moonlight. Eren wanted to cry, sob out and scream his throat raw all at the same time - but he was quiet. The knot in his throat slowly un-tied itself, and his heart settled into calm again as Levi continued to rub circles into his back, and press kisses to his cheeks, whispering words of reassurance into his ears - “ I’d never lie to you ,” and, “ I just want to protect you. I just want you to be free .” “But isn’t it scary?” Eren whispered.“What is, my love?”“Killing someone.”Levi sighed, shrugging his shoulders at him. “Not at all. It’s exhilarating.” Eren tightened his grip, and closed his eyes. He breathed deeply, feeling Levi all around him. “Will I be there when you kill my parents?”“Ah…” Levi’s voice trailed off, his movements stopping. “I… I don’t know. Sweetheart, I - ah, I haven’t really thought about - about where or when… that would happen, yet.”Almost apathetically, Eren said, “You should do it before the election. It will be easier that way.”“That’s… soon. Very soon,” Levi said, furrowing his brows. Eren simply shrugged. Sure, the election was a little over a week and a half away, but if Rod Reiss was re-elected, his mother and father would also be very much in the public eye - due to them being integral to Rod Reiss’ campaign. Everything would be more complicated by then.But if they are killed before the election, nobody would know. There would be no dinner parties or celebrations they were at, so Eren and Levi could easily sneak into their house, and do it quietly. It would be over so quick, and then Eren would finally, truly, be free.“Do the others know that we are going to kill them?” He asked, referring to Kenny and the group. Eren wouldn’t be surprised if they did. They helped burn down the clinic with them, so, surely, they were aware of the crimes Eren and Levi had committed before. “Mhm,” Levi nodded his head, “I told them that you want your mother and father dead. They said they are going to help us.”“I think we should do it,” Eren said quietly then, feeling his heartbeat quicken. “Together. I don’t want anyone else to do it, I don’t think it would be right.” Levi smiled, and kissed him softly. “Alright,” He said, and wrapped his arms around Eren’s waist. “We’ll kill them together. Nobody else.” In the very early morning, Levi and the others had to leave. It was for errands, they said. A rare day-job they had to attend to. So Eren stayed inside, like he was supposed to. All the windows were shut, and the house was dark and cold. The clock on the wall ticked past seven o’clock. Levi had told them they’d be home just after seven in the morning, so Eren was happy as he waited, knowing that quite soon he’d be back with Levi. After his talk with Levi last night, they had fallen asleep quite quickly. He fell asleep feeling safe. He fell asleep knowing Levi would go as far as murder to protect Eren, and strangely enough, despite how wrong it may be in the eyes of law and morality, Eren felt sickenly comforted by it all. With Levi, Eren would never be hurt. Together they will kill his mother and father.Once they are dead and gone, buried in some unmarked grave, Eren and Levi could leave Shiganshina. He will grab his birth certificate from his father’s study, as well as his clothes and favourite pair of shoes. Then, they will catch a carriage to outside the city, past the mountain range and all the way to the ocean. In a town by the sea, Levi and Eren will buy a small home. A garden will be grown, full of plump fruits and vibrant vegetables. They’d sell them at the market for money, and spend the rest of their lives together, in a home they built full of love.At least, that is what will happen - in Eren’s dreams. Whether it will become a reality was uncertain yet, but whatever the outcome will be, he knew it will be with Levi.In the living room, Eren had taken to counting all of Isabel’s plants to pass the time. She had shown him a botany book that she owned, and Eren was currently using it to try and find each plant species. After about an hour, Eren realised Isabel owned a lot of poisonous and toxic plants. Almost every single one. Currently he was sitting cross legged in front of a pot. It held a plant blooming with small white flowers and stubby leaves. Flicking through his book, Eren gaze was switching from the plant to the drawings on the page, trying to figure out if this one was the correct species. No , he thought to himself, not this one , and turned over the page. On the page read, “Hemlock Water Dropwort plant”. Without reading the description, Eren looked at the watercolour paintings, and then to the plant before him. With studious eyes, he leaned in, looking at the individual flower petals and the undersides of them.“Ah, it’s this one!” He muttered to himself, feeling satisfied at identifying another plant. His gaze flickered to the description, and he started to read it out-loud to himself. “Most species grow in damp ground...are a genus of plants in the family Apiaceae… are extremely poisonous.” Another poisonous plant , Eren wanted to laugh. Are they all Isabel owns? He continued reading. “It is one of the most deadliest plants in the plant kingdom. If consumed, it is enough to kill a human. One of the common signs of Hemlock Water Dropwort poisoning is the way the victim, when they die, is left after death due to the poison.”Eren read the next sentence, and felt his entire body stiffen. The book dropped to the floor as he scrambled back, heart racing in his chest and throat tightening. He stared at the plant in front of him, and every time he blinked, he remembered that night. The blood that drowned him. The empty chest. The hollow eyes. The sickening smile. His screams, his pleas for help.
When poisoned by this plant, the victim is left with a smile on their face in death.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Shakily Eren scrambled to his feet, his heartbeat steadily soaring. His limbs began to tremble, his breath ragged and quick as if half of his lungs had suddenly turned to stone and he could barely breathe at all. His eyes were fixated on the plant in front of him - flickering between it and the page of the book scattered on the floor.
Why would Isabel have this plant?
Did they know?
Did they know what happened to - to - to…
The stench of blood filled the air. It was as if he was choking on it, and Eren grasped at his chest, hunching over and begging himself to just breathe. Everytime he closed his eyes he saw white snow stained with red, hollow eyes and a sickening smile staring right at him. He was never able to escape the memories of what he saw. They followed him, haunted him, gave him no mercy as they mocked him in his sleep and in his wake. All around him was cold, as if any warmth had drained from his body. In his panic Eren tripped over his feet, falling to the ground with a thumb. He continued to scramble back, arms frantically reaching behind him and grasping hold of the table leg, pulling his body closer to it as if that would keep him safe from the unmoving, still, plant.
Maybe it is just a coincidence.
It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine.
I’ll ask Levi. He will tell me the truth.
Levi will keep me safe. Levi will protect me. Levi will save me.
In the distance is the sound of bells, ringing throughout the quiet morning, signalling the clock had reached the hour. They’ll be home any minute , Eren thought to himself, his fists clenched by his sides. He begged himself silently to breathe, but each shallow and shaken breath felt as if it was being dragged through rocks and solid cement; his chest barely rising and falling with each intake. Panic - the emotion ever so familiar, at this point - rested on his shoulder, it’s sharp claws digging into his skin, it’s sicken smile sharp and cunning, it’s words whispered and cracked as it spoke into his ear, “ They killed him, they killed him, they killed him .” Levi killed those police officers, his hands were not clean from blood.Eren gulped, feeling his throat grow dry, his vision spotted and spinning from the lack of air.But Levi had done that to protect him.Why would they do something like that to Mr Leonheart? Why - Why - Why was Eren already assuming that they had, in fact, killed him, ripped out his chest, burned his skin, carved his eyes out, poisoned him with the mysterious plant staring at him in the face? There was no reason to assume such a violent thing was done by the people he currently lived with; Eren was running to conclusions, yet again, desperate to make sense of the world.
That’s it. You’re just over-reacting.
Closing his eyes, he pushed his hands into his chest, feeling his body rise and fall. “It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, I’ll just ask Levi, Levi will keep me safe,” Eren muttered to himself. As he spoke, he tasted tears on his tongue, and that is how he learned that he was crying. When had he started crying? A key being pushed into the door lock alerted his senses. The doorknob was twisted open, letting in the sound of howling wind outside. Footsteps were shuffled and as quick as the door was opened it was shut again and double locked. Eren didn’t move from where he sat curled up on the floor, head hung low and eyes squeezed shut as tears continued to fall down his face. Not even when the others stepped into the room, not even when Levi called his name, not even when Levi’s hands came to rest upon his cheeks. His head was spinning, running so fast he could barely decipher the fragmented, panicked thoughts that rushed into his head. He was too busy trying to remember to breathe to even listen to what Levi was saying before him. “Eren, Eren, breathe,” After a moment the words finally became a little clearer, and Eren unconsciously moved even closer to Levi, craving a feeling of care and warmth. But the panic still consumed him. It wasn’t dramatic; he didn’t scream, heave in desperate gasps of air. It was quiet, silent, hanging over him like a storm cloud that loomed in the sky all day and refused to leave. It seemed into his blood, rushing around his body, but to the outside world it was unseen and unheard. “What’s wrong, love? Did something happen?” Eren tried to speak, tried to move his lips, but the nerves in his body and the signals in his head did not seem to connect. Instead he shook faintly, his breaths still quick and shallow, his tears still hot and quick, rolling down his skin. “Kid, we ain’t gonna be able to help ya’ if ya’ don’t tell us what's wrong,” Kenny’s gravelly voice spoke somewhere distantly in the background, a tone lacking in empathy; sounding simply frustrated at Eren’s lack of response. Swallowing the heavy stone in his throat, Eren forced his hands off his head, letting them rest over Levi’s cold ones instead. His lover’s fingers moved to lace their hands together, bringing them down from Eren’s face to his lap instead. “Oh, wait - fuck, shit, guys-” “Shut it,” Farlan cut Isabel off. Their words were faint in Eren’s ears. “Can you all leave for a moment,” Levi spoke. It wasn’t him asking - he spoke it like it was a command, and as soon as the words left his mouth there was a shuffling of feet around them. Footsteps ascended the stairs, leaving Levi and Eren alone on the floor. A kiss, soft and sweet, was pressed to his temple. Hands left his own and arms snaked around his waist instead, gently pulling him onto Levi’s lap, his head moving by itself to rest in the crook of Levi’s neck. He was cold from the winter air outside, but Eren still felt warmth in their embrace. Levi smelt of snow, smoke, and vanilla. His voice was tender as he repeated Eren’s name, a hand running through Eren’s hair as another rested on his lower back. “I’m here, Eren, you’re safe with me,” Levi soothed him. “Tell me what’s wrong. Are you seeing things again, my angel?”It took him a moment to reply, but Eren shook his head.“Did someone come by?”Again, he shook his head.“Eren, you need to speak. You need to tell me what is wrong.”Shakily, Eren sighed, letting out a hopeless sob as his shoulders began to shake. What could he say? That, a part of him, believed that someone in this house killed his classmate’s father, and left the body in front of Eren to see? That someone did it in this house, or at least knew who did it, and everyone had kept the secret from him whilst knowing that it left him awake with nightmares each night? His stomach dropped. Eren almost dry-heaved as flickered, fragmented memories of that night flashed behind his eyes - the blood, the burnt, boiled skin, the stench of it all filling his nose. “Breathe,” Levi said, “In and out. In and out.”Desperately, Eren tried to follow. But a feeling of unease crept up within him, no matter how hard he tried to push it down.“What’s wrong-”“Why do you have that plant?” The words slipped past his lips so quickly and Levi physically stiffened beneath his touch just as quick. It did nothing to ease the panic rising in Eren’s blood or ease the feeling of the rock stuck in the back of his throat.“Ah… the one you were looking at in the book,” Levi said. He took a breath, his hand - having stilled - resuming its course of rubbing gentle circles into Eren’s back. “Isabel just likes poisonous pants. It’s nothing to be afraid of, as long as you don’t eat it.” “The book says the poison causes your face muscles to stiffen when you die, leaving you in a smiling position,” Eren whispered.“Creepy, isn’t it?”“Mr Leonheart was smiling when he was dead.” There was a pause. A deathly silence, words unsaid left in the air. Eren could tell Levi was thinking, calculating his next words and it left him with unease; and yet, he still pushed himself closer to Levi’s body, arms wrapped a little tighter around his waist. If Levi was to tell him today that he’d killed and tortured Mr Leonheart with his bare hands, which would mean he also knew or contributed to or maybe even killed Bertholdt right in front of Eren, would he even leave? Where could he go? Would he crave Levi any less? Levi was all Eren had. There was nobody else to run to anymore, nobody else to give him love and safety and comfort. And so, despite the panic that clawed in his stomach, Eren hugged Levi even tighter.“Was he?” Levi said quietly.“And burned,” Eren said. “Cut open. Tortured.”Bile came up in his throat. Eren felt as if he was about to throw up rocks.
If Levi and the others had… done that, then.. What else have they done? Wait. Stop. Stop panicking. It’s not like you know Levi hasn’t killed anyone. He killed those military police officers, remember, when they wanted to seperate us? But he just shot them. This is torture. They wanted to seperate us. What did Bertholdt do? What did Mr Leonheart do? And Annie - she was shot, and -
Eren’s thoughts came to a halt, a sudden memory flickering into his head.
“Levi, Do you think he’s okay?”
“Who?”
“Annie’s father.”
They were outside the church, the moon high in the night sky.
“I don’t really care,” Levi said. “It’s his fault for getting involved in something that he shouldn’t have.”
“Do… you mean him investigating the Ackermans?” Eren said.
Levi glanced over his shoulder. A smirk was twisted onto his lips. “Exactly, my love.”
And there it was, the panic again, choking him with its clawed hands, leaving him breathless and gasping. The tears once again fell, hot and bitter, and Eren pushed himself off Levi’s lap in the midst of it all. He couldn’t breathe. His skin felt cold. His body shook. “Did you kill him?” Eren accused, mouth wide in a silent cry. “Oh, Levi, what - what have you done? What - Fuck ,” Levi crawled towards him but Eren scuttered back, despite half of him begging himself to go back to Levi and let Levi soothe him, kiss him, convince him everything was going to be okay. Is it true? Eren wanted to throw up. No, no, no, he told himself, you’re just jumping to conclusions, Levi hasn’t even said anything, stop it, stop it, stop it, calm down, let him hold you, he’ll tell you everything is okay-
Is he lying?
Shut up. Levi would never lie. He would never. Calm down. Levi will protect you.
“Eren, you need to calm down, stop, you’re just overthinking, let me explain,” Levi’s words were rushed, his eyes wide and panicked, a look Eren had never seen from him before.“You said he died because he was investigating the Ackermans,” Eren gasped out, “But- But- But why would that- that plant be here if- oh, Levi, who are you? What- fuck , what have you done to me?”He was rambing, the words spoken on his tongue before he even thought of them. He continued to crawl back towards the wall, and Levi continued to follow. “I love you, I love you, I love you, don’t do this, oh- Levi, I- fuck, I can’t breathe, I can’t- I can’t even think,” Eren sobbed. He stopped moving, falling over himself in a cowardly embrace. Levi’s hands were on his shoulders, and then wrapped around his back. He spoke in his ear, cooing at him softly, “Eren, just breathe, you’re overthinking,” But beneath his words was a slight tremor, a flicker of anxiety that Eren could only faintly make out. For once, Levi didn’t quite make him feel at ease. The panic still consumed him, right down to his bones, and his breath was still so shallow and quick that his head spun wild. Get out, get out, get out, his brain screamed from the back of his mind, a corner of his conscious he had pushed away and away and away for so long. It was as if Eren was split down the middle - half of him aching to fall into Levi’s touch, to let Levi kiss him all over and soothe away his worries, and the other half, a new, untouched half that screamed at him to run out the door, into the light, and as far as he possibly could.“Let’s go up to my room, baby,” Levi’s voice dropped low as he spoke after a moment of silence. “I’ll help you forget it all. You won’t have to worry anymore, hmm?”As he talked, his hands fell lower, resting on the curve of Eren’s back, and his lips pressed into the crook of Eren’s neck, causing his heartbeat to spark in his chest.
Just let it go. Levi will make it all feel better.
No, no. Run. Get out.
Levi kissed his neck again, biting softly at the skin, sending a slither of heat straight through Eren’s body. He was panting from the panic but the sound reminded him far too much of the heated nights they spent in bed, and it didn’t help make his thoughts less foggy. “I missed you whilst I was gone,” Levi muttered.“Did- Do you know who- who killed him?”“Shh, shh, stop thinking about it baby, let’s think about something else…”Levi’s hands trailed around the front, slipping underneath Eren’s sweater and moving all over his chest. His fingertips were cold, making Eren shiver and gasp from the touch. He felt the blood rush to his cheeks, his thoughts become even more and more foggy; but the screaming in his head continued, and the sick feeling in his stomach grew.
Get out! Get out!
“Don’t ignore me,” Eren pleaded, a dry sob hidden in the back of his throat. “Please… tell me… don’t ignore me, don’t- don’t- please, Levi, it’s okay, just- tell me.” “Eren, we can talk about it later, love, it’s cold, let’s just enjoy some time to ourselves.”His lover continued to touch him all over, kissing his neck, kissing his jaw, kissing the corner of his lips and whispering sensual words in Eren’s ear that he barely registered.It would be so nice to just let Levi take over, let Levi carry him upstairs, place him down on their bed, lock the door and drown him in pleasure and happiness.It would be so easy to just let him. Levi was right, they could just talk about it later… right?
Get out!
Get the fuck out!
As if awoken from a dazed dream, Eren’s hands moved without thinking. Before he could process it, Levi had been pushed off him and Eren was scrambling to his feet, legs shaking as he turned and stammered towards the doorway. His heart ached at the sound of Levi calling his name behind him, but the hidden part of Eren was in control, telling him to run and nothing else. There was no time to think. There was no time to talk.
Levi, Levi, oh, hold me…
Pausing at the door, his hand on the locks, Eren turned just in time to see Levi grab him, wrapping his arms tight around his waist, eyes widened and cheeks flushed. Eren’s heart hammered in his chest, twisting at the sight of Levi’s worry.
Kiss me, please…
No. Keep running!
“What are you doing?” His words were rough, spoken in a rush. “Eren- Eren, fuck, stop, you’re just panicking, okay? What are you doing? Going outside? They’ll find us if you go outside! Stay. Stay with me, okay?” Levi’s voice dropped at the end, spoken almost in a whisper. He had twisted Eren around, Eren’s face held tenderly in Levi’s hands. He’d never seen Levi look so panicked. His eyes frantically searched Eren’s, his mouth parted slightly, brows furrowed in a frown. “Stay, Eren, stay with me,” He whispered, moving closer so their bodies were flushed up against one another. “I’m all you need. Stay here.” “Levi,” Eren breathed, blinking away tears, “Tell me. Just tell me.”“You don’t need to know,” Levi said.“I want to know,” Eren replied. “I love you. I want to know everything.” “Why do you want to go outside?” Levi said, and Eren’s gaze flickered to the side of him, where the light streamed in through the thin gap in the window next to the door. He felt Levi kiss his cheek. “There’s no need to leave.” Get out , his head continued to yell. Stand in the sun. His emotions were battling with one another. One second, Eren wanted to follow Levi back into their room, take off their clothes, kiss each other naked and let all his worries fade. And then the next his legs were itching to run, to open the door, to feel the wind and sun on his face and scream into the air just because he could. Plants hanging up in the doorway seemed to mock him, mocking his panic and his discovery of the poisonous plant that must have, somehow, reached Mr Leonheart before his death. Levi knew something. He had to. Why wasn’t he telling Eren? Did he not trust Eren like how Eren trusted Levi? His gaze shifted back to Levi. “Do you love me?”It seemed to take the other by surprise, his expression faltering for only the briefest of moments. “What? Eren… of course. Of course I love you.” “Why aren’t you telling me? I can handle it. Whatever it is-”“No.”“I know you killed those policemen,” Eren’s voice raised, and his hands pushed back on Levi’s chest as he took a step forward, “And I am still here! Tell me! Please! Tell me so I can stop being so- so- so stupid and thinking you actually killed him! Please, Levi!” It was the first time he’d ever raised his voice at Levi in frustration. All the emotions that swirled inside him made Eren confused, anxious, and panicked. He wanted to scream at Levi’s face, tell him to stop hiding secrets from him because they love each other, and if they love each other, why is he so afraid to tell him the truth?
What if he does tell you that he killed Mr Leonheart? Burned and carved into his skin? Poisoned him? Wouldn’t that mean he knows who killed Bertholdt, too?
But it’s just Levi. And Levi’s never hurt me.
He’s a murderer. A killer.
But you already knew that.
When Levi had told Eren he’d killed those police officers, he didn’t react in this way - with his mind screaming, head full of opposing thoughts. Perhaps that was because Levi had told him that he was protecting Eren, keeping him safe from those who wanted them to be separated and hurt, and with this… Eren couldn’t really figure out why - if Levi was involved in this - why he would do such a thing. Why he would torture someone. Why he wouldn’t tell Eren that the reason Eren wakes up with nightmares and sees things in the dark is because he killed this man.Memories of the men in the snow that night crossed his mind.Was Levi there? Did Levi leave the body there for Eren to see, stayed silent as Eren screamed and cried and begged for help in the darkness?Levi did not reply. He stared, blinking, eyes searching Eren’s face. “Please,” Eren cried, tears hot on his skin, “I love you so much. I love you. I love you so much it hurts and I can’t ever think of anything else, please, just tell me.”Levi’s eyes fell to the ground. Eren’s heart fell in his chest. “Do you not trust me?” The words were pitiful, spoken with an ugly sob, his chest heaving as he cried and cried and cried. He wanted to be held, kissed, told everything was fine, and yet he wanted to run and run and run until his feet could not take him anymore.“Eren,” Levi said his name softly, tenderly, and Eren almost sighed at the sound, his panic only easing for the slightest of moments. “I… I- fuck, Eren, I don’t want to upset you.” “It upsets me when you won’t tell me.”“It’ll upset you more if I told you what happened. You're too innocent.”“Please,” Eren begged again,”Do- do you know who hurt… killed… him? Just- Levi, please, my head is too… too busy, and- loud, and I just need- I just need you , please, tell me, make it all okay.” It was as if his entire world was falling around him. A part of Eren, one he never wanted to acknowledge or think about already knew. He already knew what had happened to Mr Leonheart, that the people in this house that he lived in had hands soaked in blood. But he never wanted to let himself accept it, he never wanted to believe it because that’d mean Levi was like that too. His beautiful, wonderful, kind Levi, who made his cheeks blush and his heart feel full of love and acceptance… his beautiful, wonderful, kind Levi who had probably killed more people than those two police officers. What was the reason Levi had asked him so much about the Ackermans? Told him to sneak into his father’s office without permission, looking through confidential documents for information?Was it simply because Levi was curious about one of the most well-known, violent gangs in Shiganshina? Why?Eren felt as if he was about to throw up, his head spinning, chest aching so terribly as if a cruel hand had ripped it open, shoved itself inside and grabbed his beating heart to crush it in two.He tried to speak, cry Levi’s name, but the words could not be spoken.
Run. Run. Run.
Did Levi really love Eren, like he told him?Or was this all a game to him?A cruel, wicked game. The silence between them was deafening. Eren felt like he was choking. The tears did not stop. The panic gripped tight onto him. The air around him felt far too thin.“Levi,” He tried again, “I love you.”No reply. There was only the quiet.“Do you love me?”It was such a pitiful question. Eren ached as it was spoken on his tongue. His hands, still resting on Levi’s chest, gripped his shirt, a silent plea for a reply.“Eren,” Levi heard his plea, “I just want to protect you. I- Fucking hell… it wasn’t meant to reach this far. To get like this.”“What does that mean?” His voice broke. Did he not want to be in love with Eren?“It’s better if you don’t know,” Levi said. “You’ll be safer that way.”Eren bit his lip, shaking his head as frustration rose up in his gut. “Do you think I’m stupid?” He laughed half-heartedly, “Do you think that- that- I can’t- figure it all out?” “If you have figured it all out then pretend you don’t,” Levi’s reply was sharp. “Why don’t you trust me?”“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Eren!” Levi raised his voice, eyes once again meeting Eren’s. They were glassy, sparkling in the dim light. Eren had never seen Levi like this. “It’s that if I tell you the truth, I’m fucking- fuck! If I tell you the truth how can I keep you safe from other people who are currently prowling the fucking streets for the truth! How can I stop you from running out of the fucking door and never seeing you again?” “If you want to see me again you’ll tell me!”“What do you want to know?” Levi’s voice lowered a little, but his hands had come up to cup Eren’s face, his body closer than it was a moment ago. “You won’t love me anymore if I tell you everything.”The world became silent again. Eren sighed, his heart sinking, his eyes glazed over with tears. A sob rose up in the back of his throat as he shook his head, wrapping his arms around Levi’s neck desperately and pulling him closer, “How can you know that if I don’t know everything?” “I love you so much,” Eren continued, “I’ve given up everything for you. My family, my education, my friends, my faith… I’ve let you see me so intimately in a way nobody has ever before, I’ve still slept beside you and held you even after you told me you killed someone.”“This is a little different than shooting a police officer in the neck.”Eren grimaced at the vulgar language. He breathed in deep, closing his eyes for a moment to hold himself together, begging himself to stop crying for only a moment. “A part of me is screaming at me to run out the door,” Eren admitted, eyes on their feet below. “And a part of me wants to do that. I don’t really understand why. I want to run in the sun, feel the snow beneath me, the wind in my face. I want to scream, and scream, and scream until I cannot. I want to kiss you all over and over and over until my lips are numb, and I want to bury myself in the dirt and lay in the Earth.” Levi paused before he replied. “Then why don’t you. Run. Run out the door, Eren, and see how far you get down the street before someone makes the connection that your face is the same as on every fucking missing poster on every fucking lamp-post. Count how many minutes of freedom you have before the military police grab you by the arms and take you right back to your mother and father. And later that night, count how many bruises are on your skin after they fucking beat you half to death!” The words were harsh, juxtapositioning from Eren’s gentle, vulnerable ones. He almost winced at the sound of Levi’s voice, his heart only further aching. It didn’t help with his desire to stop crying, his sobs turning silent. Hurt spread throughout his body, weighing him down, and Eren wondered if he should do what Levi had told him and run out the door.
And when father and mother beat me, all I will think of is Levi’s face.
“Why are you so angry?” He said silently.Levi sighed. “Why? Why can’t- can’t you just… let this go? Please, Eren. Trust me. It’s better for you to not know. Stop thinking about it. Stop talking about it. I can keep you safer that way.”“Do you love me?”“Why do you keep asking that?” Levi’s hands fell from his face. “Do you think I’d do everything that I have done if I didn’t love you? I don’t just fucking kiss any damn boy that’s pretty and in my radiance, Eren.” “I’m sorry,” He said.
Run. Run. Run.
Another sigh fell from Levi’s lips. He stepped back, body half-turned away from him. “It’s fine, angel. Let’s… let’s just go upstairs, relax a little. It’s cold. I’m tired. I don’t want to- to argue with you anymore. I love you, okay?” “I’m sorry,” Eren repeated again. Levi had turned his back completely to him, and was running his hands through his undercut. There were two locks on the door. Difficult to unlock from the outside without a key, easy to unlock from the inside without one. Eren had seen how it was done many times now, as he’d watched the door be locked after everyone had come home from work.
Just do it. He told you to do it, anyway.
Why would he love you when he told you to run out the door?
“I’m sorry,” He said for a third time. At that moment, the sound of a howling wind outside and the crackling of the fireplace covered the smallest of sounds. His hands slid over the lock. Pulling the chain, twisting the knob.
Run. Run. Run.
“I’ll go away,” Eren said, voice cracking, tears slipping down his skin. “If that’s what you want me to do…”“Why do you think that’s what I want you to do- Eren? What are you doing?”“You told me to run, didn’t you?”His hand was on the doorknob, it already twisted open. All he had to do was push, and then he would feel the coldness of the winter wind on his face again. “Baby,” Levi’s voice was rushed, “Stop, you’re just overthinking things, I love you, okay?”His hands came up to wrap around Eren’s waist. “I love you,” Eren sobbed. “I think I’m sick with love. Lovesick. Is that the word?”
Push him away!
“I don’t understand my head. It’s all… so confusing.”“Step away from the door, angel, and tell me everything, I’ll make you feel alright, everything is going to be just fine, hmm?” The words were meant to be comforting, but Eren could sense the slight shake in Levi’s voice, and feel the thumping of his heart against Eren’s back. It was so close - the outside. Could Levi come with him?Could they run away together, through the snow and the streets, steal a boat from the river and ride away from everything?Nothing will matter anymore in a town three mountains over.
Push him away! Now!
His body was split in two. He didn’t think about what he was doing before he twisted in Levi’s grip and pushed his lover away. He didn’t stop to feel the way his heart shattered as Levi’s face fell. He didn’t stop at all, pushing open the door and running out into the air.
What the fuck was he doing?
Levi was here. With him. Levi was all he ever needed.
He was running before he could even process it. It was mid-morning. The streets weren’t that busy, as it was too far out of the town square, and most people were either at home for lunch or working somewhere else.But there were a few people, who stopped and stared as he sprinted widely down the street, tears drying his eyes, head screaming at him to turn back and fall to Levi’s feet and apologise over and over and over until he could not speak anymore. Oh, if only his head and his body and his mind worked together. If only they made sense. If only his emotions stopped flickering every second, his decisions stopped changing every moment, his body slowed down enough so Eren could think.There were so many words inside his head. It was all far too loud.A memory of Levi’s smile flickered behind his eyes.Eren skidded to a stop in the middle of the street, snow skidding up around him.Levi’s smile… oh, how it made his heart bloom. It was wicked, but kind, gentle, sweet.What was he doing? Why was he outside? How did he even get here?Had he really run out of the door?Why wasn’t he with Levi?Levi - where was Levi?Heavy footsteps came from behind him. Eren’s heartbeat spiked and he spun around, only having a moment to see Levi come rushing forward towards him. A smile curled on Eren’s face; a sob falling past his lips. Levi’s arms wrapped around him. Eren was being dragged through the snow as if his feet had forgotten how to move. Levi was quick, fast and strong, lifting Eren only a few inches off the ground so they didn’t take too much time.It was a sight that to strangers must have been so incredibly confusing.Hopefully they thought they were relatives, and Levi had caught Eren after he’d run out into the cold and was now disciplining him in the side alley.Hopefully nobody recognised their faces.What had he done?Why was he here, again? The side alley where Levi had dragged him was dark, the overhangs of the buildings on either side blocking out most of the winter sun. Levi pulled him behind a boiler, roughly pushing Eren down so he was sitting on the ground, and kneeled down in front of him.Eren’s head felt so dizzy. His thoughts were too frantic to think clearly. He smiled stupidly at Levi, the tears that he had cried for so long burning his eyes.Levi’s hands were firm, but still gentle as they gripped Eren’s shoulder.“What the fuck are you doing?” He asked, but it wasn’t in a yell. Levi’s eyes were wide and frantic, his breath falling in quick gasps, his cheeks flushed red and brows furrowed deep. “Anyone could have seen you, Eren!”“I wanted to feel the wind.”“Did you want to leave?” Levi asked, eyes searching Eren’s face. Eren sniffled. “I’m so cold,” He said, arms moving up to grab Levi and pull him closer. “Hold me. Hold me - my head hurts, Levi.”“Fucking hell,” Levi muttered. He wrapped his arms around Eren’s shoulders, and pulled him in close. A kiss was pressed to Eren’s temple. “You scared the shit out of me. Don’t ever do anything like that again. Why is your head hurting? Are you okay? Are you seeing things, again?”“Ah,” Eren said, letting his head fall on Levi’s shoulder. “I don’t know. No… I’m not seeing anything. All my thoughts are just too fast. It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know why I was running. I don’t… I don’t really remember getting out of the door. It happened too quickly.” Why was he panicking in the first place, anyway? Eren couldn’t remember, anymore. The memory was shoved into the back of his head, mixed into the void of all his other memories that were currently bouncing around at a speed too fast to see.Levi kissed his temple again, and sighed, rubbing Eren’s back. His hands were shaking.“You’re- you’re just a little unwell. Everything’s going to be okay. You’re going to be fine. I’ll take you back home and we can cuddle and you can drink some tea and everything will calm down, okay? Just- fucking hell, don’t run out like that again.”“Did you kill him?” Eren replied in a blank voice, completely ignoring what Levi had just said.“I told you to stop thinking about it.”“Bertholdt hadn’t done anything wrong. I saw him die. His parents were crying.”“Stop thinking about that, Eren,” Levi’s voice was rushed. “Hey!” A voice interrupted them, deep and gravely from the entranceway of the valley. Eren felt Levi stiffen, and grip him tighter. “What are you two doing back here?”Eren, from where his head was hidden in Levi’s shoulder, could only just see the boots and pants of the three strangers that had walked up to them. They all wore the same clothes.
Military police.
Oh, oh no…
When there was no reply, the policeman spoke again. “Stand up, let us take a look at you two. You’re not out here trying to break into any of these buildings, huh? That’s quite a crime. Lots of hours of hard labour for you both.”“Don’t speak,” Levi’s voice was so low Eren almost didn’t hear it. Snow was kicked at their bodies. “I told you to stand up!” Too fast, Levi did exactly what was told . Everything seemed to move too slowly, and Eren watched as Levi’s arm was thrown with a fist, and collided with the jaw of one of the three police officers. It was all hazy as he watched, his mind barely processing it, as if he was watching it through paintings and it was not happening right in front of him.Staggering back, the police officer let out a pained groan, hand coming up to clutch his reddened jaw. The two others - a blonde, built man and a slightly shorter tanned skin woman. They went to reach for the guns secured in their belts, but Levi was light on his feet. He kicked the woman in her knees, and then the man in his chest. When they were hunched over in agony, his leg rose up and smacked their hunched backs, knocking them down to the floor.Eren’s skin felt hot. The other policeman had enough time to grab his weapon whilst Levi was assaulting the other two. “Put your hands up, right now!” He screamed, holding his gun shakily and pointing it at Levi’s face. Pausing, Levi’s shoulders rose and fell steadily as he stood tall, eyeing down the other man. The two others were getting up from the floor. Eren’s heartbeat was thumping so fast in his chest, he wondered if he would die.
They’re going to shoot him.
Levi. My Levi. What are you doing?
Oh, oh, this is all my fault.
If they shoot them, I will snap my neck.
The woman stood up, rubbing at her back. “Hey,” She spat out, putting her other hand on her gun, “I know you. Bastard, we’ve been looking for you for so damn long.”Tears were cold on Eren’s cheeks. He bit his lip, shaking on the floor of the snow. He had to do something. Scream, yell, get up - anything, anything to distract them.If he lost Levi, if they killed him, what would he do?
I can’t live without him.
I love him.
He’s all I love.
Who cares if he killed Mr Leonheart? Who cares if he shot Bertholdt?
As long as I can stay beside him.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
If I could, I would stab those military police soldiers until they choke on their blood.
Eren’s thoughts came to a halt, then, and for the first moment in many hours his mind was quiet. He’d never thought something so violent. He stared at the scene in front of him, watching as the soldiers continued to shout, pointing their guns with fingers on the trigger.Levi was calm, his back facing Eren, hands in fists by his side.The main policeman was speaking when Eren came to his senses, rising to his feet even though his body felt stiff as concrete, and screaming out even though the words seemed so far away when he spoke them.“Leave him alone!” “Or what?” The officer then turned to him, lips curled in a snarl, but at the sight of Eren’s flushed cheeks, wild hair and teary eyes, his expression fell. Eren had been sitting with his head down, quiet and out of the way. Nobody had really paid attention to him, nobody had really bothered to look at his face.There were posters in the street of a drawing of him, plastered all over. He’d seen them - quite briefly - when he was running, but his mind had been too cluttered to focus on it.Eren felt his heart snap, his limbs beginning to shake, knees buckling beneath what felt like the weight of a thousand suns.His lover’s face was full of pain when he turned to Eren, brows furrowed and eyes panicked. He mouthed in silence, what the fuck are you doing , and to which Eren could only scream in his head, I’m trying to save you. “Oh Heaven’s,” The police officer muttered, “You’re Mr and Mrs Jaeger’s missing son.”And it seemed that the whole world stopped then. Eren couldn’t help the quiet whimper that fell from his throat, his eyes focused on Levi’s falling face, his body frozen in place. This was it. It was over. They will take him back home to his mother and father, put his lover in a prison cell until he is old and grey. Eren will be forced to marry the mayor’s daughter, to become a pastor as his father has always intended. He will never kiss Levi again. He will never be free.The faintest tears slipped past Levi’s eyes when he blinked.Eren’s entire heart shattered into pieces like fractured glass, falling all over the floor into the tiniest, sharpest pieces, with an ache so powerful he felt as if he could not breathe spreading throughout his chest. His Levi, his everything - he’d never seen him cry. It was sorrowful. It was a sight Eren never wanted to see. All he wanted was to see him smile.“I knew you criminals had kidnapped him!” The woman snarled, arm reaching out to grab Levi by the shoulder. For once, Levi was too slow, too distracted, too focused on Eren that he didn’t react in time. He was forced into a chokehold. Eren started to sob.“Stop it! Let him go!”“Kid,” The blond officer said blankly, almost shaking his head in disbelief, “What? He’s kidnapped you! Do you not know who he is? He’s hurt you, hasn’t he?”“He’d never hurt me!” Eren screamed out, the words ripping through his throat. He leaped forward, shoving his hand on the woman’s officer's face. She faltered, loosening her grip just enough for Eren to grab Levi’s arms and pull him out of her grasp. He stepped back, holding Levi tight, their backs facing the light of the street with the officers in the dark of the alley. Levi was behind him, with Eren standing in front. “Eren, Eren, let’s run,” Levi whispered, his hand gently curling around Eren’s wrist.“And then what? They’ll follow us. They’ll shoot you. They’ll find the others, and then they’ll just take me back home anyway,” Eren muttered, sniffling and lacing his hand through Levi’s. “Get away from him, you heathen!” The main officer shouted, gun raised, body slowly moving towards the pair. Eren pulled back his lips in a almost-snarl, and spat, “Shut the fuck up!” “Eren,” The woman officer said, “You’ve been missing for weeks. He’s probably manipulated you, told you all these lies, but- but you need to trust us. Come here, you’re safe now.”“I’ve never been safer than I am when I’m with him,” Eren replied, only just above a whisper.“Eren, we need to run, now,” Levi’s voice was urgent in his ear.
They won’t shoot me. They won’t hurt me at all.
But, if we both run, and they chase after us, they’ll think Levi is taking me away against my will. They’ll shoot him from behind as we run up the hill.
Levi will get hurt.
Levi can’t get hurt. I can’t let that happen.
“No,” Eren muttered, and turned his head slightly. Only the faintest of tears glossed over Levi’s eyes, but Eren could sense the sorrow in them. He wanted to kiss Levi. Wrap his arms around Levi’s body, hold each other close. But they couldn’t. Not here, not now. It was dangerous. A panic settled into Levi’s features. He gripped Eren’s hand tighter.“Don’t you want to stay with me?” He whispered.“More than anything in the world,” Eren replied. Levi’s lips tremoured. “Then let’s run, my love.”Eren shook his head gently.The officers' boots crunched under the snow. The woman yelled out to them, only a few meters away now. “Step back now, Levi. Let Eren go. We’re armed, you’re not.”“Run, Levi,” Eren whispered. He squeezed Levi’s hand, forcing a shaking smile across his lips. “They won’t hurt me. I’ll tell them to take me back to my mother and father, and you can run. I’ll make sure they won’t follow you. You’ll be safe.”“I- Eren- what- no,” Levi stuttered. He shook his head, stepping closer to Eren, inches apart. “No, no, we’re going together, I am not leaving you here, I am not letting you go back-”“This isn’t something we have time to argue about,” Eren pleaded. One of the officers shouted again, but Eren paid it no attention, his full focus on Levi. “You need to run.”“But- No! No, Eren, please, we’re staying together!”“You’ll know where to find me,” Eren muttered. The footsteps were closer now. He glanced over his shoulder, locking eyes with the three soldiers who all had their guns raised. He turned his eyes back to Levi. His free hand rose up to rest to caress his face gently, whipping the lone tear that had slid down his cheek. Levi was beautiful, even in these moments.The shouted, abusive words of his mother and father came into his mind, along with the memories of their harsh touches and wicked, cruel ways.He will go back to them. If it means that Levi can go home. If it means that Levi can live.“I love you,” Eren whispered, voice cracking. “Eren, please-”“We’ll find our way back to each other. Don’t worry. I promise, Levi. I’ll be fine,” Eren tried to smile for him.“We’re giving you another five seconds Levi. Step back from Eren, right now!” The blond officer shouted. The wind howled around them. The air was cold. The commotion in the alley had seemed to scare people away, for the street behind them looked emptier than before.A black bird sang from above, flying overhead of them. “Run, Levi,” Eren said more forcefully then, removing his hand from Levi’s grasp and shoving his chest gently enough to make Levi stagger back, “Run, go! They’re not going to hurt me, but they’ll hurt you! Now! Just fucking run!” “What are you doing-” The officer muttered.“I’ll find you,” Was Levi’s last words. He looked behind Eren, and then to Eren again, before turning around in the snow. His footsteps were rough, fast, kicking up snow each time he moved. The soldiers immediately went to follow him, but Eren put up his hands.“Stop!” He shouted. “Take me home to my parents! Leave him! Take me home, now!” To call his mother and father’s house home stung like poison in his tongue. It was no home. Levi was his home. The officers skidded in their tracks, blinking blankly at him. “But- Eren- he kidnapped you, and-”“Just take me home!” Eren cut off the blond officer. His voice was rough. He was holding back a sob, heavy and thick in his throat. He wanted to follow Levi. He wanted time to turn back, before he stupidly ran down the street in a moment of delirious panic, and just let Levi soothe all his worries away with kisses and gentle touches.But now he will have none of that. And Eren wasn’t quite sure when, or if, he’ll ever have it back. At least Levi ran away, he thought to himself as the officers surrounded him, holding onto his arms, and walking him out into the street. At least he is safe. “Your parents have been so worried looking for you,” The woman officer said. She looked at him. There were lines under her brown eyes, and streaks of grey in her curled hair. A small smile settled on her lips. It filled Eren with unease. “You did the right thing by getting out.” Eren turned his head to the ground so she wouldn’t see the tears swell up in his eyes.The wind was cold against his exposed skin.Whether it was by coincidence or by fate, he was wearing the black sweater Levi had given him so many months ago. It still faintly smelled of him - a sweet, gentle vanilla. The ache in his body was unbearable. His mind screamed at him to run back to Levi.He glanced over his shoulder.Snow was beginning to fall from the snow clouds above.There were only a few passerbys in the street. Levi was nowhere to be seen.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Part Three: Ruin
His life is slowly unravelling, falling apart; and yet, Eren cannot help but clench tighter onto Levi, and the hope that when it is all over - and his mother and father are long dead - they can travel the world, and find a place far away from Shiganshina. It'll all be worth it in the end. As long as Eren did everything Levi asked, they'll be fine. They'll be free. They can be together, safe and sound, at last. All he has to do is kill his parents.
And then everything will be okay.
Right?
. When Eren woke up the next day, his head was pounding. His ribs ache, his legs were sore, and his stomach rumbled with hunger. He’s back in his childhood room. The doors were locked shut, the curtains pulled tight. The room was in darkness, despite it being mid-morning. The sounds of his father and mother yelling at each other echo throughout the house.Memories of the day before are blurred together, clouded over and ripped apart - Eren remembers the moments in pieces, not necessarily connected together, leaving him confused and him unable to think.How did he get here?He remembered telling Levi to run. He remembered the plant, and the sinking realisation that his most beloved Levi may not be who Eren had believed him to be. Then there was the cold wind on his face and the winter sun on his skin; soldiers with their fingers on the trigger pointing to him. And then the stinging pain as he was greeted with his father’s fist when he finally came home after weeks of being gone.Oh, and something, something he had said, but Eren's head hurt too much that he could barely remember it. He wasn’t hit as soon as he walked through the door, that he knew as much, so how did his skin become covered in bruises?His mother had asked him who had stolen him.Eren had said he was not stolen. “He’s sick! Grisha, he’s sick, we can’t keep him here!”His mother’s voice was broken, words spoken through gritted teeth, almost growling. Eren’s feet touched the floor as he stood up, stretching his hands high above his head, feeling the coolness of the wooden floor beneath his bare feet run up his legs, making goosebumps arise to his skin.The door was locked, that Eren remembered. But why? Did his mother and father fear that he would leave, again?Of course he would leave. He had to find Levi. His Levi. “I’ll fix him, Carla! Just- We have to get rid of that filthy heathen first, and then Eren will be fine! Until he’s gone I don’t know if Eren’s sickness will go away so quickly.”“What do you mean?” His mother screamed, and the sound of a hand hitting the wall made it’s way down the hallway. “You’re a doctor, for Heaven’s sake! A pastor, too, a man of our Lord and a man of medicine and you are saying we cannot fix our son right now?” “Yes! That is what I am saying, Carla! It’s fine, we’ll lock him in the house of the Lord for a few days, let him be surrounded by purity, and by the end of the few days that heathen and their entire family will be gone.”Eren pushed his ear up to his door. He can hear his mother loudly scoff.“Their entire family? All of them, or just the ones you hate?”“She’s different,” His father’s voice is low. “Blood is stronger than anything.” Eren swayed on his feet as dizziness rushed over his body. When was the last time he ate? It must have been almost a full day by now, if not longer. Shakes trembled his legs and he decided to slump down to the floor, a rush of heat shooting all over his skin as his breathing quickened. Everything ached. His parents believed he was sick. Was that the reason he was feeling so faint? So in pain? So lightheaded?Where was Levi? He needed Levi. All he wanted was Levi. It would be better if he was here.Eren’s eyes flutter to half-closed, his cheek pressed against the door. The floor is cold against the exposed skin of his lower legs. It was soothing, relaxing the heat beneath his flushed skin. Hands wrap around his waist, and for a moment Eren wanted to believe Levi was with him. The touch feels almost too real, gentle and yet strong. In his head, Levi rested his chin on the top of Eren’s shoulder, pressing soft kisses to the skin of his neck. His eyes fell to a close and he leaned into the touch. “You’re not sick,” Levi whispered into his ear. “There’s nothing wrong with you, my love. The only thing wrong in the world is them.”“Father said they’ll get rid of the heathen and his family,” Eren whispered into the silence.“Not unless you kill them first.”A rush of adrenaline spiked his heart rate. Eren shivered, wrapping his arms tighter around himself. Levi continued to kiss his neck, gently nipping on the sensitive skin, pushing his body closer to Eren’s. “It’ll be so easy. Just… take the knife from the kitchen - the one your mother uses to prepare the meats - and stab it into her heart as she sleeps. It’ll be so easy, so quick.”“I’m afraid of blood.”“I’ll be so proud of you if you did it.”Another rush of adrenaline, another skip of his heartbeat. “I want to make you proud,” He whispers back. Eren went to move his head, to look into Levi’s eyes, to kiss him deeply. He wanted more than anything to feel each part of Levi’s skin, to let Levi take him. Right there on his bedroom floor; letting everyone hear his sounds, letting everyone know how filthy he was.That’s what his mother and father thought of him, right? Eren was filthy. Touched all over, impure and dirty, ruined beyond repair. He’d been fucked over and over, kissed and loved by another man and now his mother and father cannot even look at him. He’ll never be able to be a husband to Historia. He’ll never be able to make his mother and father proud. They’ll cure him, and then send him to a village far outside of town, only writing letters every now and then to make sure Eren is still well . Eren wouldn’t even care if they heard, because to him Levi was the only thing that mattered, and he’d always give Levi everything he ever wanted, his only desire to please him and do what he said. Levi was all Eren had left.He went to look over his shoulder. All he saw was his empty room. Eren had fallen asleep, slumped against his door. When he awoke it was from hunger, his stomach in pain and empty. He had half-expected Levi to be there, cuddling him, kissing him, but alas Eren was alone. Levi wasn’t there. He must have been dreaming. The house was quiet now. Eren trembled as he stood. His hand tried to turn open the door, but it was still locked. How had he known it was locked? Eren couldn’t remember. The world suddenly started to spin and Eren fell down again, hitting his knees against the hard wooden floor, sending sparks of sharp pain up through his bones. With a wince he let out a muffled cry of pain, barely holding himself up before he collapsed on himself. His head hit the wood, and his eyes fluttered close.Weakness seemed to sink into each part of his bones. He had no idea what time it was, but he assumed by the dim light that filtered through his curtains that it was late afternoon. It had been well over a day since he’d last ate or drank anything at all. That, and with the strange injuries that he had seemed to gather over the past day, Eren felt as if even standing up might be too difficult for him.As he did earlier in the day, Eren fell back asleep, letting hunger and pain soothe him to rest. Unlike the time before, Eren’s mind conjured up dreams - or memories, but who could be sure - that lure Eren into sleep. The soldiers were walking beside him and guiding him home, the sun high in the sky but the world still cold and blanketed with snow.It then flickered, the scene beneath his eyes changing to when Eren was sitting at the dining table. His mother was beside him, his sister across from him, his father to his left. They are eating lunch in silence. The soldiers have left. Eren was alone with his family for the first time in over a month. There was a thick tension in the air.
“Do you know who stole you?” His mother spoke.
“I wasn’t stolen,” Eren muttered. He has not touched any of his food. He doesn’t trust it. He could only trust Levi.
“You were,” His father let out a sigh, letting his utensils fall against his plate a little too loud. “I know this might be difficult for you to understand. They’ve probably done all sorts of awful things to you, made you believe things that aren’t true. But we are your blood, Eren, we will always care about you more than anyone else can.”
“That’s not true,” Eren frowned, “He’s never lied to me. He cares more about me than you.”
Another sigh left his father’s lips in response. “Eren, do you know who… you were with, for this past month and a half?”
Eren stayed quiet. He could not tell his mother and father about Levi. They would take him away, they would forbid each other from ever being in each other’s arms again.
“The man that the police found you with, he’s- he’s not a good person,” His mother started.
“Shut up.”
“Eren!”
“You don’t know him like I do!” Eren rose to his feet, slamming the table down, an uncontrollable anger rising up to his throat. How dare they say Levi is a bad person? His Levi, his beautiful, gentle, wonderful Levi, who has only ever given Eren love and freedom?
“Eren, darling, we know more about him than you do!” His mother pleaded, but Eren only let out a bitter laugh in response, shaking his head with sarcasm.
“Oh, and I’m sure you think you do,” Eren snapped, “You always think you know every little thing, that you can do nothing wrong, and that’s- that’s bullshit!”
“Do not curse!” His father’s voice rose to a shout, but Eren’s head snapped towards his without a single hint of hesitation. Eren was scowling, fingernails digging into the skin of his shaking palms. He could not let his mother and father, of all people, disrespect Levi.
“I’ll say whatever the fuck I want,” He spat out.
“Eren Jaeger!” It was his mother’s turn to rise to her feet, and she yanked him back by his shoulder, forcing him to look at her. “Do not use that sort of language in our household! I understand the past few months must have been so terrible to experience, but, that is no excuse to be so unholy!”
And at that, Eren only laughed again. “Oh, really? You have no damn fucking idea how unholy I’ve been. I think you’d faint if I ever told you. You wouldn’t know what to do. You’d kill me yourself, you’d be so damn ashamed to even look at me! You’re horrible! Not Levi! Never him!”
“Oh, so you know his name?” His father said in a mocking tone. “Wow, so you must know every little thing about the man who kidnapped you!”
“Eren.”
His eyes turn towards Mikasa. She had been sitting across from him, silent and meek all the time. Her long, jet-black hair fell down her shoulders. She was pale, with hooded brown eyes, thin lips, and high cheekbones. She looked nothing like Eren or his mother and father. They were all brunette, tanned in colour, hair slightly curled at the ends.
In reality, maybe Eren always hated Mikasa.
She, despite not fitting in with their family, despite not being related at all, was so adored and loved and cared about, especially by their father, who only ever saw Mikasa as the perfect little child, with perfect grades, perfect personality, perfect obedience.
He fucking hated Mikasa.
Will Levi kill her, too?
“Please, mother and father just want to make sure you’re okay-”
“They aren’t your fucking parents,” He spat out, “They’re mine. They are my mother and father, and yet you’re always the one who is so fucking loved by them! Don’t fucking talk to me like you care, I bet you’d think I was disgusting too if I ever told you what I’ve done!”
There’s a ringing in his ear as his mother slapped the side of his head, before tugging on a fistful of Eren’s hair and pulling him down so he is below her. “How dare you!” She screamed, “There is no excuse for that sort of language! You are my son, and I will discipline you as I see fit, have you suddenly lost all faith in the Lord? How could you say something that rude?”
He laughed, despite the pain in his head.
“Yeah,” Eren breathed out, staring at the floor. His arms reach up above his head, grabbing onto his mother’s wrist. He twisted it, creating a sickening crack and a pained scream from his mother’s throat. Eren’s foot kicked her in the stomach before he jolted to the other side of the room, placing himself on the corner. He’d managed to grab the food knife off his plate before running, dodging his father’s flying fists.
“What in the world is wrong with you?” His father’s voice boomed throughout the room. He wrapped his arms around his wife, coddling her quietly as she held her wrist in pain. “How dare you beat your mother! Do you want to burn in Hell?”
Eren’s first is shaking. He’s high on adrenaline, the blade of the knife grasped tightly in his hand sinking into his skin. He never wanted to come back here. He had wanted to stay with Levi, forever and ever. But he had to keep Levi safe, had to tell him to run, and so here he was.
It would be okay. Levi will find him.
Levi will find him, and then his family will die, and Eren will finally be free.
Eren jolted awake by the door opening on him. He fell to the floor, body limp, head burning with a fever. His father stood before him, tall and cruel, glasses pressed high on his nose bridge. When he stepped into the darkened room, Eren immediately curled in on himself, his body so used to fearing the man before him.“We’re taking you out of this house.”“Will you let me go back to him?” Eren’s words fell from his lips before he understood them, but he knew it was a mistake to ask. His father’s brows furrow and the scowl on his lips deepened. He went to kneel, the wooden floorboards creaking under his weight as he became level with Eren’s eyes. “You will never see that man again. You will forget him. You will repent.”“I don’t want to,” Eren breathed, his heart pulsing in his ears.“You have no choice,” His father sneered, hand reaching up to painfully yank a fistful of Eren’s hair a little bit closer. “You will be locked under the house of our Father and Lord until you are no longer overcome with this sickness.”His body shook; from hunger, from weakness, from pain and fear. “I am not sick,” Eren persisted, a feeble anger burning up in his throat. There was nothing sick about him. Eren was in love, Eren was kissed with nothing but beauty, held with nothing but softness. Is their sin, so gentle, so sweet, truly so awful? The pain stung across his skin when his father slapped him, the metal of the wedding band on his finger cold and hard. There was only a brief moment of relief, for Eren to understand what had happened - he’d been hit, yet again - before his father’s hand struck him on the opposite cheek, redding the skin beneath his palm.“He’s completely ruined everything about you,” His father said. His hand grabbed onto Eren’s chin, forcefully making Eren look towards him. “You no longer look like my son, anymore.”“Have I ever been your son?” Eren muttered.His father’s fingers dug into his chin. “You have always been my son, Eren, and that is why I am doing this. You are my blood. You will not understand it now - in your mind, it is love, it is… warmth, what you do with this heathen. But that is how these illnesses work, how demons control you and get you to do their bidding.”“I’m not sick, I’m not possessed, either.”“And alas, those who are sick never want to believe they are,” His father’s words were spoken with a whisper, but were still cruel, without a slither of gentleness in them. A cold silence sat between them. Eren swallowed the stone in his throat, and said, “I love him. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel okay.”His father only sighed, then, and dropped his hand. He blinked, and the flash of pity and hurt and regret that had washed over his features were gone.“He is a man. It is one of the greatest sins, Eren, to lay with a man. You are no longer pure, do you not understand?” His father’s words are stressed. “And if anyone was to ever find out, it would bring so much shame and hatred to our family, how could your mother and I ever show our faces in public once more if the entire town knew that our son was…. Was-”“Homosexual,” Eren said the word. “Do not worry, Eren,” His father’s hand went to rest on his shoulder. Eren tried not to notice the way that it trembled. “We will fix you. We have been good to the Lord, he will bring us a cure for your illness. And in time, you will wonder why you ever desired something so rotten.” “I love Levi,” Eren said again. His lips trembled, and his eyes glazed over with grief. “I love him so much, Father, please, you don’t understand us…” The grip of his father’s hand tightened.“I don’t want to be fixed,” Eren almost cried out, only just holding back the heavy sob in his throat. “I just want to go back to him, Father, please, let us leave together, we will go far away and you will never have to see us ever again, please- please don’t take me away from him-” And then Eren was pushed back, thumping hard against the floor, cowering in on himself instinctively against what he feared would be his father’s rage. His limbs shook, his stomach ached, and his head throbbed against his skull.“You will not!” His father stood from his knees with a shout, and sent his booted foot into Eren’s side. “Do you not listen to me, boy? Have you strayed so far from our Lord?”“I can’t be fixed,” Eren said with a cracking voice, hot tears welling up in his eyes as his lips trembled around the words. “Of course you can!” His father kicked him again, and sneered, “Do you doubt me? Do you doubt our Lord? I will fix you, whether it takes a day, or a week, or a month, or a year. You will never see that filthy, depraved human again. You will tell nobody of what you have done. You will be a good, perfect son, you will be normal, I will not let you succumb to this vile sickness!” Eren closed his eyes, feeling the tears fall down his trembling body. Behind his eyes, he could see Levi’s smile; Levi’s deep, blue eyes, the soft freckles on his nose, the faint scar just beneath his left eyebrow. It seemed so real, that Eren was almost tempted to reach out to touch him, to feel Levi’s undercut beneath his fingers as he ran a hand through the hair, to press himself close to Levi’s warmth, to feel his solid self beside him.A pained sound left his mouth when his father kicked him again, and then punched his shoulder before he grabbed a fistful of his hair and yanked Eren’s upper body off the floor by it.“Do you think being a filthy sick heathen will make you any less of my son? Do not be fooled, Eren, I will do everything to fix you. You are not going to be able to just run away with that brat and swim in your sickness together in some isolated village. Do you not understand? There is nothing you can do. You can go back to him, over and over, and we will keep finding you.” His father leaned a little closer, his lips upturned in a scowl as he spat out the venomous words, “But that disgusting man and his heathen fellows will be long dead before you can get out. And by the time you are done in the house of the Lord, you will be thanking us, and wondering why you even believed that the thing you are experiencing is love.” And it was then when Eren’s body went cold, his heartbeat stuttering to a fault, his limbs overcome with a violent, trembling shake. It was as if the world had spinned to a stop, as if the seconds on the clock had stopped ticking; all Eren could do was repeat his father’s words in his head.
No, no, no.
He wanted to panic, wanted to scream and run and cry out but Eren’s body was solid, as if each part of him had been filled from the inside out with stone.
I can’t let - no - I’ll kill Father, I’ll kill them all first before- before- before he-
Levi’s strong, he’s stronger than Father, it’s going to be okay-
But Father is taking me to the Church. What if Levi comes here?
What if Levi doesn’t ever find me?
“I understand,” His father spoke again, voice nothing like the growl he had spoken with moments earlier, “That it might be difficult for you to understand it now. But we love you Eren, and we are doing this to protect you. To keep you safe. To make sure you make it to the house of the Lord once your time in this world has ended, and you can reunite with us, your family, your blood.” A metallic taste stung his tongue. When had he been cut?“Whatever that bastard-”“Levi,” Eren said his lover’s name so gently, so quietly he wondered if his father had heard him.There was a sigh. His father knelt down. “Levi,” He said, and looked to Eren. “Whatever Levi has said to you, or told you, or made you do, I- You- You can be forgiven, my son. Our Lord is so kind, so sweet, and all of our sins can be forgiven thanks to the sacrifice he had done.”“He kissed me,” Eren said. He could not miss the flash of disgust on his father’s face - the way his lips twitched slightly, how his brows furrowed, the clench in his jaw.But Eren kept talking; he did not care for the disgust. Perhaps, his father will hit him again, and again, and again, until Eren will not wake up from the slumber no more. Eren whispered, “I loved it, I loved it when he touched me, it was so gentle-”“It’s sinful.”“But so sweet,” Eren persisted, a delirious smile curled on his lips. He could almost feel it - Levi’s arms around his waist, Levi’s lips on his neck. The warmth in the pit of his stomach, the stretch and the burn, the feeling of them being so close and intimate and connected. Levi’s gentle fingers clasped around his own, and the sound of Levi’s heartbeat in his ears as Eren laid against his chest. He continued, not even thinking about the words that he spoke. “Why does it have to be so wrong, Father?”Tears glazed over Eren’s eyes as he lifted his gaze. “Why? I don’t understand. Why would God make something so wrong and sinful and disgusting so… so… so gentle? So kind? So wonderful?”“It is none of those things,” His father’s voice was hard, face ridgid. “You are just sick. Delusional and thinking things that are not true at all.” Eren’s shoulders fell, and he sighed, then. There would be no convincing his father. Levi was right - as he always was, and always will be - his mother and father would never let them be together. If Eren was to ever be safely in Levi’s arms, his mother and father had to be killed.Even though the thought of it created a dull, uncertain ache in his chest, Eren knew that it must be the right choice. After all, Levi was the most important person to him, right? There was no reason for Eren to be concerned with his mother and father. It was only Levi that was important.
But he might have killed Mr Leonheart.
And others, too.
“Eren,” His father interrupted his thoughts. “Enough of this talking. There is a carriage outside. They will be taking you to our church. Overnight you will sit there, praying for the forgiveness of our Lord. In the morning, once the final preparations are complete, we will be taking you elsewhere. But you cannot stay here in this house any longer.” Time seemed to pass slowly. Though he was somewhat certain he had not lost consciousness, Eren could not remember how he ended up inside the carriage. How he’d been sat down, with only a tiny, tiny leather bag of personal belongings that his mother and father had packed for him by his side. Eren lifted the leather flap. It was a Bible, a paper drawing pad, and a pencil. How sad.It didn’t bother him, anyway, for he would not be using it. Levi would find him. The road was bumpy and steep. They were trudging up the hill towards the church, now. His father and mother sat across from him motionless. Mikasa was next to him, but pressed firmly onto the other side of the carriage as if she was attempting to be as far away from him as possible. The rider out the front of the carriage made a small yelling sound as he motioned for the two horses pulling the carriage to pick up the speed. Outside the sun was setting, and the chill winter air was creeping in. Clouds rolled over the sky. Everything looked dim and grey.How long had it been since Eren had eaten? When they reached the front of the churchyard, the air became still as the carriage stopped. The door was opened. His father left first, before reaching for his wife’s hand to lend her down, and then Mikasa. Eren was the last left, but nobody reached to help him down as he exited the carriage, holding the leather bag next to him. The churchyard surrounding the building was eerie. There were a few gravestones - mostly of the past preachers and their families, which meant most of them were of Eren’s grandparents and great grandparents. They walked through the yard to the side church door, not a word being spoken at all between them.Unlike the front, main entrance that was enshrined with stained glass, and wooden engravings of the Lord, the side entrance was plain. It was a thick, wooden door, locked tight with chains. When his father opened it, the creaking sound echoed throughout the church. Inside was the main hall; they were just behind the stage, the door semi-hidden so you could only see it from certain angles in the seats. The church was dark, apart from the light that filtered in through the stained glass windows. A marble statue of the Lord, pinned to the cross, hung above on the wall behind the preacher’s stand. Eren gulped as he saw it. “You will sit here until morning,” His father said. When his arm snaked around Eren’s back, he’d thought for only a moment that he was to be gently guided in. But his father was rough, almost pushing him inside. The weakness in his body from hunger and his injuries only made Eren fall, hitting his knees on the ground, making him whimper in pain.“Shut up,” His mother sneered. It was the first thing she had said to him since the day before. A bandage from where Eren had injured her was wrapped on her wrist.“People will come by in the morning. They’ll take you to somewhere that can help you,” His father said.Eren turned, looking at them with a confused expression. “Aren’t you going to fix me?”“I still have a job to do,” His father said, backing away from the door. Eren could see him start to wind the chains back through the metal loopholes that were sunken into the wood, preparing to lock it back together, leaving Eren inside.Panic rose up in his throat.Were they really going to leave him all alone?“I’m hungry,” He spat out, desperately trying to stall his father.His mother gave him a look, and then a scoff. “You won’t die.”“I don’t like the dark.”“You’ll be okay, Eren,” His father said without a slither of emotion.“Please,” He said with a pant, feeling his heartbeat start to pace, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please don’t leave me here, Father- Mother, please, I’m sorry!” Eren started to crawl back over to the door, but his knees were weak and pained. He winced with each movement, feeling his muscles ache. It was as if his body was made of stone, everything becoming far more difficult.“Your apology means nothing!” His mother yelled, so loudly Eren flinched. “You should have thought about the consequences before you let that filthy heathen ruin you! You will stay here! And in the morning you will be taken to the asylum where you belong, until you are no longer sick! Do you not understand?”
Asylum?
A foggy memory of when Eren had first taken Levi to the church flickered behind his eyes. It had been darker than it is now. They’d snuck in, and then went to the back room that his father usually kept documents and other important things.Didn’t they find a blueprint for an asylum to be built, years before Eren was even born? There was a shiver down his back. His heartbeat thumped hard and heavy in his chest, pounding against his ribs to the point it was almost painful. Eren’s fingernails dug into the skin of his palms as he tried to distract himself from the panic boiling beneath his skin. His hands stung. He knew he was bleeding red. Levi will find me, he told himself. Levi will find me, Levi will find me, Levi will find me .It was all Eren could repeat to himself to feel calm. The sounds of the metal chains rubbing against each other grew louder in his head, and the walls around him seemed to close in on his bruised, tired body.The setting sun behind his family made themselves look shadowed and dark.Eren’s lips trembled as he looked at them. “Please,” He said with a small sob, “I’m sorry, I’ll be better now - just- just- just don’t leave me here in the dark…” There was a sigh, quiet and emotionless, from his mother. Mikasa stood next to her, hair braided neatly by her sides, hands tucked tight and still into the pockets of her plain white dress. She looked pure, sweet, dressed in all white; a child of God, something Eren could never be.And his mother, with her long brown hair, and the gentle lines on her forehead - Eren as a child once looked to her for comfort, but now she sneered down upon him as if disgusted to look.His father’s hand rested on one of the doors, pushing it to a close. The panic then, became unbearable.
They’re going to leave me here, Levi will never find me here, they’ll kill Levi-
It seemed that his body moved before Eren could even think. Despite the weakness in his bones, he attempted to stumble to his feet, placing his hands to fight against the other half of the door that his father was trying to close; trying to close in on Eren, locking him in the dark.“Please, please, I can’t! I can’t stay in here!” He cried out, choking on his breath, sobbing so pathetically as if he was a little toddler afraid of sleeping in his own bed.“Shut up!” His father’s fingers dug into the skin on his palm, and violently shoved Eren back with his other hand, letting Eren stumble to the ground.It was hard to breathe, as if the air had thinned around them. Panic choked Eren, wrapping around him like thick chains. He blinked up his family, who stared down at him as if he was worth a little less because of his love. Tears made it hard to see and focus, and the fear rising up within him made it hard to speak.“Don’t-don’t leave me in - in the dark!” “You will pray for forgiveness for your sins,” His mother spat.Eren’s eyes frantically searched them. Out of all of them, it was only Mikasa that stood without emotion. He fixated on his gaze, and moved a little forward on his knees. He said quietly, “Mikasa, please, I’m sorry.”She did not speak, only pressing her lips tighter. Alas, Eren’s heart sank, shattering into a million pieces as he stared hopeless at his family before him. Levi was right, he had always been right. His family did not love him. They could never understand him. They don’t love me, he thought to himself almost in shock - as if the realisation that had slowly creeped up on him was brand new, as if he had not secretly thought it for many months now. But despite Eren knowing that he did not love them, he only loved Levi, it still stung so deep. “Please,” The desperation started to creep in.And it was then that his father decided to slam the door, showering Eren in the dim darkness of the church. The sun had setted beyond the mountains. He could barely see beyond his face.You’re alone, you’re alone, his mind started to scream. You’ll die here. They’ll kill Levi. You’ll never be found. You’ll never see Levi again.A scream ripped through his throat as Eren ran forward, the pain in his muscles overcome by the fear. He banged his bruised knuckles against the thick wooden door, again and again, continuing to let out hopeless screams.“Let me out!” He cried, and hit the wood again. His legs shook beneath him and the world seemed to spin, but Eren kept going, even when he could not tell whether his face was hot with tears or with the strange hot flush that had overcome him.“Let me out! Let me out! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please! Please let me out!”There were no replies, only the faint sounds of clanking noises of the metal locks being tightened. They were ignoring him.“Help me!” His throat was raw, the sounds screamed with so much pain and desperation and fear that if anyone passed by, surely they would think there was a murderer inside. “I’m not sick!” Eren cried out, lips trembling, knees buckling under his weight. With no reply, Eren grew silent. He sobbed into the darkness, letting the weakness overcome him as he slid down to the floor.“I’m not sick,” He said in a cracked whisper, leaning his head against the door. “Please… Mother, Father, Mikasa… I’m so sorry.” Why was he so alone? Why did he always end up alone?His heart ached. He missed Armin. Did Armin miss him?Maybe it was a mistake - cutting Armin off, in that way. Isolating himself from his friends at school. From his family. Maybe it all was a mistake. Maybe he should have just ignored the strange boy shoving too many apples into his bag at the Sunday markets.A sob ripped from his throat.Was it all worth it?“Levi,” He whispered, “What have you done to me?”But of course, even if it was a mistake, what could Eren do now? His family hated him. Surely, Armin would be furious with him. Did his classmates at school even remember Eren?What was left of his life, if it wasn’t Levi?He harshly bit his lip, trying to prevent himself from crying in the dark. He did not want to make more of a fool of himself in front of the Lord than he already has. Warmth spread around his waist, as it had done in his room hours before. He could feel Levi’s chest pressed against the back, his faint smell lingering in his air. “You’ve done nothing wrong,” Levi said gently into his ear. Eren wanted to believe it so desperately; he wanted nothing more than to end the ache inside of him.Levi kissed his neck softly, “They’ve hurt you. They don’t deserve your love, your forgiveness, your apologies. Isn’t that right?”Eren weakly nodded, speaking a soft yes into the silence. “Look how they’ve bruised you, made you bleed… I would never hurt you, Eren. I would never lie to you like they have. I’ll always protect you.”“I hate the dark,” Eren whispered, sniffling, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. “I’m right here, my love,”“Are you?” Eren said, “Please, I don’t know anymore.”“I’ll never leave you.”Eren could taste the bitter blood in his mouth. It seemed that he was always injured in some way, whether from the bruises on his legs, or the little crescent wounds on his palms.Will he ever heal? Will it ever end?Eren turned his neck. All he was met with was marble statue of the Lord, the paleness of it barely standing out in the dark.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
A sob ripped through his throat, raw and exposed, broken and jarred. Darkness overwhelmed Eren, hindering his senses. Shivers trembled beneath his skin as he cowered in on himself on the cold floor. It was the middle of the winter, and his mother and father had left him inside the deserted building with nothing more than the clothes on his skin. There was hardly any warmth that stayed with him, leaving his body as if disgusted by it. In his delirious, starved state, Eren could only mutter half-hearted prayers to himself.It was strange, for he’d almost given up completely on his religion, his God, his beliefs. He’d been so consumed by Levi, and Levi’s touch, and Levi’s words, that he did not see the reason for anything else. And yet in the blackness of the night and the silence of the house of the Lord, Eren prayed, afraid that the marble statue of the Lord that hung above him would bring judgement down upon him if he did not.His eyes were clenched shut, too afraid to look at the looming statue that hung upon the church’s wall. Levi was not here, now. Levi was looking for him - no doubt - but he was not here, and Eren’s mind took his lover’s absence as an opportunity to conjure up all horrible dreams. A stabbing, tearful ache had settled deep within his stomach and chest. There was too much hunger inside of him, making him weak, delusional and stupid. Tears burned his eyes as he cried, and Eren wondered if they would ever stop.The ache was not hunger alone. It was the heavy, painful burden of abandonment. His mother and father had abandoned him here. He’d been left here to rot quietly and slowly, alone with nobody but the Lord, laid bare and helpless on the ground to be judged with His wrath. “ Please ,” He whispered, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so- so- so sorry !”Fear, with it’s vile, sharp claws dug into Levi’s skin, bleeding adrenaline and exhaustion into his veins, leaving him nothing but tearful, shaking, begging to be saved. “Levi,” His most beloved’s name fell from his chapped, parched mouth. His head throbbed with a pounding noise, so loud in his ears it drowned out the howling wind outside. “I’m here… please… find me, find me, find me …” A fake warmth wrapped around his shoulders. He breathed in the faint, but oh-too familiar scent of Levi’s clothes - the vanilla with smoked undertones, the whiskey Eren sometimes could smell on his lips, the metallic taste that sometimes could be tasted when he licked his lover’s skin in a moment full of intimacy. “You’ve found me,” Eren’s lips cracked into a faint smile. He leaned back into the warmth, chasing the sensation of Levi’s strong arms holding him closer. “Don’t pray,” His lover spoke into his ear, pressing a gentle kiss to the delicate skin beneath his lobe. “Don’t pray to him. Pray to me. You need me, my love, not anyone else.” “Mhm” Eren mumbled, letting his head lay to rest on the cold concrete. “I’ll help you forget,” Levi’s voice sounded as if it was spoken right beside him; when Eren opened his tired, glazed eyes, Levi’s figure seemed to loom over him, legs on either side of his hips, hands running up Eren’s chest. He’d just been behind him… but… wasn’t Eren on the floor?A kiss could be felt on the skin of his collarbones, his shoulder, his neck. “Do you remember what I told you, Eren? To make you forget everything else that could ever bring you pain?”Head rolled to the side, Eren’s eyes flickered up to the dark ceiling above him. Only the gentle, pale moonlight that slithered in through the windows brought vision to his eyes. Everything else that the moon did not see, Eren did not see either.On the ceiling was a painting of the prophets surrounding the Lord, their hands open in a prayer.His eyes fell back down to the blurred figure on top of him, that donned Levi’s voice, and vaguely showed his features. Another smile slid across Eren’s lips, “Just think of you,” He said, answering the question given to him. “Such a good boy for me,” Levi spoke to him, running a hand underneath Eren’s shirt. He leaned down, kissing Eren softly. “I’ll never leave you. I will always find you.”“Find me,” Eren whispered. And then, once again, he was alone. When he awoke, it was still dark. Still quiet. Still cold.His mind drifted for a while; memories of violent fights, screamed words, vicious insults flickering in and out of his head, bleeding into ones of Levi’s softness, his gentleness, his kindness. He’d wondered where Levi was now. Perhaps he had made his way to his mother and father’s house, gunned them down, tied them to a chair in an attempt to find Eren.Or maybe he’d been hurt. And Eren had been here the entire time, far away, helpless. The image of blood, of his mother covered in bruises and his father bleeding from a gash in his skin made its way into Eren’s head. Would killing them feel good? Would it make Eren feel safer? Or would he throw up? Would he scream, trembling in complete fear, like he had been when he had discovered Mr Leonheart, dead in the middle of the town square? He didn’t remember much of that time, other than the paralysing terror that had overcome every part of his body, and the screaming pleas for help that had ripped through his throat.There was a very, very likely possibility that Levi at least knew who had killed Mr Leonheart. That Eren knew, now. Perhaps Levi had partaken in the act himself. Had he been the one to burn the man’s skin? Remove his organs? Cut off his fingers?A strange feeling sat in the pit of Eren’s stomach.Despite knowing this, he felt no fear towards Levi. He needed Levi.
What if he killed you? He’s killed others.
Then , Eren thought, answering to the morbid curiosity inside of him. I would thank him. What reason is there to live, anymore, if it was not for Levi? Levi was his everything. Levi was the only person he loved. Levi was the only person who could save him. Levi, Levi, Levi, his mind thought, drifting to the gentle memories of his lover. His mother had said something cruel about Levi, vile and sickening the night before. But Eren couldn’t really remember it. The past two days had been too… blurred, as if the lines of reality, memory and delusions had become so intertwined with each other Eren could not escape them.His parents knew that he had kissed a man. They knew that Levi had held him so softly, pushed his way inside him, and made Eren ache for days. It disgusted them. They wanted to make sure that Eren would be disgusted with it, too. That’s why they took him here. When the sun will rise upon Shiganshina, Eren will be taken away. Forced into an asylum on the outskirts of the city, where nobody would know his name, and nobody would know he was there but those his mother and father trusted most. What had Eren said to his parents? His head throbbed with each beat of his heart, pain radiating underneath his skull. The memories were not there, no matter how hard Eren tried to force it to the front of his mind. It was as if they’d been beaten out of him completely. Or perhaps they were so hurtful, so full of grief and sorrow that his mind was trying it’s best to save him from it.“I love him,” He said, into the judging quiet. The cold of the tiled floor seeping through his clothes brought some relief - despite it’s inconvenience - to the pain in his muscles. Turning his head, he looked to the statue of the Lord, coated faintly in moonlight that hung above him. “I love him,” He said again, as if saying it directly to the statue above. “I’m sorry.” A stab of pain in his stomach made Eren wince. But there was no food here, nothing to drink either. He was suffering. He was being left to starve, to fast, as if it would draw the sickness out of his ruined, impure body. He needed Levi, Eren had decided, more than anything else in the world. He could only feel safe with Levi, he could only feel loved with Levi, he could only feel whole with Levi. There was a gentleness to their love, a softness and warmth that Eren felt nowhere else. His only regret was not meeting Levi earlier. That, and perhaps, not killing his parents earlier.Eren had never felt more himself than when he was with Levi. Visions of his mother, covered in blood, beaten and bruised, drifted into his head once more. His father would scream as Eren would tear into her flesh, letting the anger that had accumulated inside of him for years reach the surface. He’d never killed anyone. He’d never really even thought about it, before Levi made the suggestion that his parents were better six foot underground. And now, with as much time alone with his thoughts as he did in this place, Eren couldn’t stop fantasizing about their murders.That, and Levi. The blood would feel warm on his hands, Eren thought. It would feel good, maybe, to make his parents feel so much pain. He’d kiss Levi in front of them, staining each other’s skin with the blood of Eren’s parents, letting them watch in disgust and shame. If they shouted at them, he’d kiss Levi even more, laughing into the kisses, satisfied with the feeling of making his parents squirm. A warmth settled in his stomach. Eren’s thighs pressed together.The image in his head turned to dust. As soon as the warmth was there, it had already been chased away. Not now, he thought to himself. Stop it . His stomach rumbled. A sigh slipped past his lips.Once again, he drifted to sleep.
“Don’t leave me here,” Eren cried out, hands shaking, lips trembling. He reached out to the figure in front of him. “Please! Please don’t leave me here! I hate the dark!”
“Disgusting.”
Panic made Eren choke. He shook his head, crawling towards the figure's back. “No, no, no I’m not, please- please stay, I don’t want to be alone, I hate being alone!”
The figure refused to look at him. It was basking in golden light, robes white and pure. Everything around it was darkened. Overgrown forest surrounded both Eren and the figure, trapping them in together. Eren’s legs winced with piercing pain whenever he tried to move them, as if the bones had shattered inside. But the figure could move. He could get out.
“How could you love a man? How filthy,” The figure sneered, peering over its shoulder. There were no features on the figure’s face, apart from two hollow eye sockets. Blood spilled from them, running down the pure white robes, staining them in red.
“I need him,” Eren choked. “I love him. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!”
“Did it really feel that good? So good to give up everything?”
A choked sob left him. He shook his head again, digging his hands into the soil beneath him. “I- I haven’t given up anything! I have- have Levi, I have Levi, it’s all I need!”
“But where are your friends?” The figure mocked. “You gave up your education. Your morals. Your friendships, your family, your dignity and purity - it’s all gone. Tainted. Ruined.”
“I’m not ruined,” Eren cried out. "It's not my fault I had to leave things behind! They would have never accepted our love!"
A heavy thump echoed throughout the forest as the figure stepped towards him.
“So many children have been abused,” It spoke, “And yet, they don’t destroy their own innocence in a desperate, pathetic attempt to feel free from the chains of abuse their mother’s and father’s have wrapped so tight around-”
“I am not abused!” Eren screamed, then, digging his hands into the ground, blinking away the pitiful tears. His voice cracked, his throat raw, his heart heavy as if pulled down by stones. He was not abused. His parents hurt him, but they did not abuse him - to say they abused him was to admit they had power over him, control over him, and Eren refused to even think of that anymore. “I’m not! They’re- they’re just bad people, but- they- they don’t-”
“What has he done that is any different to them?” The figure continued, as if not hearing anything Eren said at all. There was another, heavy thump, so loud it shook the trees and the ground, as the figure stepped towards him again.
“He kisses me,” Eren choked. “He loves me. He- he’s helping me, and- and- he doesn’t hit me! They hit me! They’ve hurt me so much! You wouldn’t understand!”
“Oh, so he doesn’t hit you,” It spoke.
Another loud, thundering thump.
“But he tells you what to do, whispers in your little ear to just follow him and everything will be okay. Does he love you? Or does he just love how you make him feel?”
“Shut up!”
Thump, thump, thump - the figure’s steps were faster, now.
“Where is he now, then?”
Thump.
“Stop it!”
Thump.
“He’s not coming for you.”
Thump.
“Please stop!”
Thump.
“ He’s ruined you .”
Thump.
“Shut up!”
A loud crash echoed throughout the church. Splintered pieces of wood went flying in the air, dust swirling around as the large door his father had locked Eren inside with came crashing down to the floor. He jolted awake, crawling back from the open space.His eyes squinted at the lantern lights , barely registering the shadowed figures that held them - only their hands were illuminated by the dimmed lights. Did his parents change their mind? Eren thought he had at least until the morning until they took him away.But Eren was not given time to think, because before he even opened his mouth to protest his punishment, one of the figures ran forward towards him. The hunger made him slow. He only let out a surprised yelp before arms wrapped around his shoulders; a head pushed into his neck, and the smell of vanilla overcoming him.Time seemed to slow around him. His heartbeat quicked, his hands trembling as he rushed to grip onto the person before him. Words and thoughts in Eren’s head were fragmented and racing, flying by so past he could barely speak a word. “L-L-Levi,” Eren managed to gasp out, holding back the heavy sob in his throat.His lover moved back, grasping Eren’s face in his hands. With the limited light, Eren could only barely see the features on Levi’s face. Yet he could still see the panic written all over him.
He was worried about me...
Levi’s thumbs wiped Eren’s tears, and he spoke with a gentleness that only thinly veiled the tremble in his voice. “I found you .”“You found me,” Eren whispered in reply, and sat in silence as Levi’s hands searched his body. His shoulders, his stomach, his legs, his arms, his hands - looking for signs of serious injury. His actions were frantic, repetivive too, as if he didn't believe his eyes. When he found no deep wounds or visibly broken bones, he cupped Eren's cheeks in his hands, and leaned forward to press a kiss to his lips. It was hard, as if Levi was scared Eren would fade from beneath him.Blush had spread across Eren's cheeks by the time Levi pulled away. The kiss was quick, but Eren could sense the meaning in it. He found me. Eren's hands reached up to shakely caress Levi's face, feeling the warmth from his skin beneath his fingertips. His lips trembled, tears building up in his eyes as he suddenly began to doubt everything around him. With a whisper, he asked, "A-Are you really here? Is t-this real?""I'm here," Levi whispered back, kissing Eren's forehead softly. "I'm real. I'm here. You're safe, now."A sigh left Eren's lips. "I m-missed you." “Ah, thank fuck ya’ here, kid,” Kenny’s raggedy voice came from the door, interupting the pair. The others stepped inside out of the hallowing wind. Eren looked up, watching Kenny peek around the church in the darkness. The older man continued, “Any longer and I think Levi would have burned the whole city to the ground to find ya’.” “Are you alright, Eren?” Hanji’s voice came from beside him, where the woman knelt down with one of the lanterns. Her hair was tied up tight, and all her clothes were black. Eren did not miss the large gun hanging at her hip. He nodded, swallowing down his cries; it felt as if his throat was stripped raw.“W-Water,” Eren choked out. Levi was onto it quickly, pulling a water bottle from the backpack swung over his back. Untwisting the lid, Levi held the bottle to Eren’s lips.The water was winter-cold on his lips, but it was much desired. Eren drank quickly, and fast. Too fast, to the point Levi was pulling the bottle away and soothing Eren with his hand rubbing his back, as Eren choked down the rest of the water. “I don’t mean to interrupt the reunion,” Erwin spoke up. Eren’s head turned to find his teacher standing at the doorway, looking over his shoulder, down the hill where the church was built on. “But we took out a bunch of military police on our way to get here. They’re going to change shifts soon, and find a bunch of their soldiers taken out. We need to get out of here.” “He’s right, love,” Levi spoke. There was a rush and unease to his voice - something Eren was not used to hearing. A haste kiss was pressed to his forehead, before Levi returned his gaze to Eren. “Are you badly injured? Can you walk?”Hunger seemed to eat away at his muscles. But Eren nodded, nonetheless; he did not want to be a burden; he did not want to be stuck in this damned building for any longer.Levi’s arms wrapped underneath his own. He leaned close, to whisper quietly to Eren, “I should have never let you go. I should have killed those soldiers.” A shiver ran underneath his skin. He told himself it was the cold. Eren’s eyes fell closed, and he let Levi pull him up to his feet. It was all too fast; his head swayed from the lack of energy, and Eren ended up slumping against Levi’s chest. Levi caught him. “Eren?”“I haven’t eaten,” He said.“Oh?” Isabel interrupted the conversation. Kenny, Erwin and Farlan had wandered off around the church, but Hanji and Isabel had stayed close to Levi and Eren. She took a step forward, pulling what seemed to be a wrapped piece of bread out of the pocket of her jacket. “Here!” She held it out towards Eren, a smile small on her lips.Nothing had changed in Isabel’s appearance. She still wore her red hair in two ponytails. She still had freckles across her cheeks. But Eren could not help but think of the poisonous plants that she had collected, and the possibility she may have poisoned Mr Leonhart to death.
Did she do it?
“Why the fuck do you have bread?” Levi scoffed. He took the bread for Eren, nonetheless, ripping a piece off and holding it up to Eren’s mouth. “Eat it slowly. Not too fast, you’ll be sick.”He hurried it down anyway. It was slightly stale, but it didn’t matter - it was the first thing Eren had eaten in almost two days, so he was thankful. “Alright,” Kenny’s voice came from behind them. His footsteps were loud as he walked past, with Farlan and Erwin following. “We got to get a move-on. It’s still dark out to our advantage, but the sun is going to rise in about two hours. It’ll take us an hour to walk here back to home, but probably more because of all the damn military police.” Eren’s stomach rumbled. Kenny looked over his shoulder, directly at Eren. He’d never seemed to be super fond of him, but in this moment a small smile cracked upon his lips. “And then ya’ can stuff ya’ face full of cake if ya’d like, kid.” It took them a while to walk down the mountain that hosted the church. Even longer because of Eren’s injuries. There were no broken bones, but his muscles were aching, covered in deep welts and bruises. Lack of food over the past days had made the healing process even slower.Levi’s arm was wrapped around his shoulders, letting Eren lean on him for support. In the other was a heavy pistol, fully loaded, with Levi’s finger dangerously close to the trigger.“I’m glad you are safe,” Eren whispered. His lover looked at him. His eyebrows were furrowed deeply, a tiredness under his eyes, as if exhausted. But he smiled softly, nonetheless. “Don’t scare me like that again.”Eren’s heart sank. He nodded, and looked to the ground beneath them. They were walking through a back-street, now. It was far too risky to go through the main road that connected the church to the city. The sky above was clouded over, with no stars, and a dimmed moon. Wind ruffled Eren’s hair, and only made him shiver more than before. At least inside the church it was sheltered from the winter weather. He bit his lip. “I don’t know why I did that. Before. When I left the house.” “It doesn’t matter anymore,” Levi said. “I’ve found you. I’m never letting you go again.” “Levi, you know how you asked me to tell you if I started seeing things again?” Eren said with a whisper, gaze shifting from the ground to his lover beside him. Erwin and Hanji were in front, with Farlan and Isabel on either side of the pair, and Kenny behind them. He didn’t want them to hear, so he leaned a little closer into Levi’s body. “Are you?” Levi raised a brow. Eren nodded.“I’m sorry for leaving,” Eren said. “My head… it was… just too loud. I couldn’t think right. I was scared and- and- I felt that I needed to run.”“Are you going to leave, again?” Eren shook his head. He leaned in a little more, kissing Levi’s cheek softly. “I’ll never leave you. I think I was just sick. But I feel okay now. I have you.” “You’ll always have me.”“Oi, lovebirds,” Farlan scolded. “Ya can kiss and make up when we get home. Stay focused.”“I can kill five men before the first man hits the ground,” Levi sneered, sending daggers for looks in Farlan’s direction. “Don’t tell me to stay focused. I’m not letting anyone near Eren.” “Alright, alright!” Farlan let out a quiet chuckle, and threw his hands up in the air. “Sorry.” They walked for a little bit longer. The street they were on was long and narrow, but at the end it split off into three different directions. When they reached closer to the intersection, Erwin put his hand up to signal a quiet stop. Hanji took a few steps forward, pulling out a golden monocular. She held it up to her eye, and looked at the intersection in the distance.Other than the eerie howls of the wind, it was quiet. And then, in the darkness, were the sounds of pounding footsteps.“Shit,” Hanji cursed, “Everyone, hide! Now !”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Fucking hell,” Levi cursed beside him, as the sounds of the soldiers down the street became louder. It was a continuous, heavy thud, their footprints echoing loudly in the quiet night. Eren shivered from the cold and from the hunger, his arm tightly linked with Levi’s.Everything seemed to slip by and blur around him. He was running - Levi was dragging him - and the others were by his side, fingers on the triggers of their guns, spare hands gripping blood-stained daggers. Eren didn’t want to think about where the blood came from. Had they hurt someone to find him?No doubt, Levi had told him plentiful of times, that he’d do anything to keep Eren safe. Yet it still felt odd, a sinking feeling settling in his stomach at the realisation that people had been wounded. All because of Eren. All because of his selfishness, his foolishness - why would he run out that door? Why had he ran through the street, after Levi had drilled it into him that it was dangerous to go out into the sunlight?
I wanted to feel free.
Levi wasn’t caging you, he was protecting you.
I wanted to see the sun again. Armin. Mikasa. My friends.
A heavy wind blew in the winter air. His mind ran loud, thoughts drowning into chaos as Eren’s physical body drowned into pain and weakness. The group sprinted back the way they came, eerily aware that they were being followed. The pulse in his veins beated fast, muscles in his legs burning like fire and lungs cold as ice from the winter air that he sucked in; so desperate to breathe, and yet no relief from the oxygen. All he wanted was food, warmth, rest, and in the moment he had none of that. The world continued to zip by, and Levi’s hand continued to grip into his so tightly. Fingers laced together for the first time since he’d told Levi to run away, back in the alley after Eren had so foolishly left the house. He never wanted to let Levi go. Not again. Turning into another alley that connected two streets, the group all gave each other a quick nod. The soldiers shouts were a little further behind now. It was safe, only for a mere minute, to catch their breath. “Levi,” Eren panted out, bent over and crouching down as they stopped. His voice was coarse, as if the winter air had stripped his throat raw with it’s icy wind. A feeling of bile stuck in his throat was hard to ignore. Eren felt weak, sick, and acheful, all at once. The world around him spun, even as he’d come to a short rest. He didn’t know how he was running. It felt as if his muscles were on fire. Levi must have almost dragged him along. What a burden must I be, he thought pitifully. Kneeling down hurt his ankles. With a wince, he tugged on Levi’s sleeve, interrupting the whispers between Kenny and Levi, who’d been deciding on what to do next. The group were huddled together, with Hanji’s eyes peeled on the lookout for the soldiers. “We should head out to the farmer’s fields, we can hide-” Levi’s head turned to his. His brows were deeply furrowed, a slit just above his eyebrow coated the fine hairs with a dark red. “What is it?”“I think I’m going to pass out.”“I’ll carry you,” Levi’s response was simple. And so he did. Eren’s arms wrapped around Levi’s neck, his legs around Levi’s waist, and merely a minute after they had come to rest they were off again. Despite the weight on Levi’s back, he was still fast, keeping up with the group. Eren squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop his tears from falling down. He felt like a burden. Everything was all his fault. He should have just listened to what Levi had told him and never left the damn house. Down by the fields, it was a little easier to hide. There were no tall crops of wheat or corn due to the winter, but in their absence, tall weeds had replaced them, still managing to crawl up out of the snow that coated the frozen ground. Even in the worst of conditions, life still grew. It was stubborn in that way.Soldier’s torches lit up alongside the cobble stairs that descended down into the fields, taking them away from the walls of the city. Fearing that a large group would hinder their escape, they’d decided to split up - with Eren still beside Levi, of course, for he would refuse to stay with anyone else. They crouched behind weeds in the darkness, with only the moon and the dim, far-away yellow glow of a soldier's torch light to guide them. Even when crouching down Eren was still trembling, barely managing to keep his body upright. His mind raced with the same thoughts - Levi, food, pain, food, Levi - over and over, like a broken record stuck on the same few notes of a song. He remembered this place. The fields, back in the autumn when he and Levi had first met, were filled with crops. Pumpkins, rice, wheat, all waiting to be plucked and then stored for the upcoming winter. Levi had once taken him through these fields and into the forest beside it. They’d walked to the edge of it, where the trees met the water, and drunk in the moonlight. It was Eren’s first time drinking, and not his last. He’d felt so free, so grown, so disobedient. There had been a rush every time Levi had smiled at him, or called him beautiful, or told him to not listen to what his parents were telling him. Back then, he’d wanted to kiss him. So, so badly, so deeply, the feeling nagging him behind his eyes but Eren was too afraid. The chains that his parents had wrapped around him were still locked tight, and he couldn’t even bring himself to imagine a world where he let himself feel love for another boy. Life, since then, had changed. As the weeds still grew through the frozen soil and snow, life continued to go on. Even if sometimes Eren wondered if it would all be worth it. “Can’t we just go around them? It’s dark. They won’t see us,” Eren huffed, gulping back the dry cough that itched his throat. He leaned against Levi, trying hard to still the shake in his legs. Levi’s hand slid around Eren’s waist, pulling him a little closer. “No, baby. They’ll hear us,” His words were quiet, spoken softly against Eren’s ear. Levi pressed a kiss to his temple, then, making Eren sigh in relief. He wanted to go home. Home to Levi’s, where they could kiss in the nightlight, and Levi could make Eren forget everything wrong and painful in his world. “Then where do we go? If we stay here, won’t they find us soon enough?” Eren said with a tremor in his voice, barely masking his own fear. The wind howled around them and he shook with cold, nudging his head into the crook of Levi’s shoulder and neck. He wrapped his arms around his lover, desperate to feel his warmth. “The forest, probably. It will give us enough cover, it’s thicker and more dense. We can go around them a little easier then.”“And the others?”“They’ll meet us at home.”Eren bit his lip, eyes glancing up to Levi. The blood on his eyebrow had dried. There were deep, dark circles under his eyes, even visible in the night. His lips were pressed thin, brows furrowed, eyes narrowed and focused. “What if they don’t?”His lover’s response was quick, and simple.“They will.” It seemed that an hour had passed, and yet, the soldiers were still there. Their torches still burned bright, moving slowly throughout the fields. No gunshots had been fired, and no words had been shouted. Despite the quietness of it all, the soldiers still seemed certain that the group were hidden in the fields. At the edge of the forest, Eren looked to them. The pair had managed to slip by in rush, with Eren pushing through the burn in his legs and ache in his stomach. His lips trembled as his eyes welled up with tears; the bitter memories of the days before coming to the surface. Why was he so foolish? Why did he leave? What was happening in his head?“Eren,” Levi said his name, grounding him back into the present. His hand was warm in Eren’s. “We need to move. Don’t worry about the others. They’ll be fine.” “This is all my fault.”Eren’s words were ridden with guilt. He turned his head, glancing up at his lover beside him. Levi looked so calm, so gentle, so confident with his head held high and shoulders broad and pushed back. Eren was the opposite - hunched in on himself, trembling from the cold, the hunger, the pain, trying to not let the pacing and frantic thoughts in his head get to him. The pitiful tears fell down his cheeks. He continued, biting back a cry, “It’s all my fault. I’m so stupid.”
Don’t cry, don’t you dare cry, they’ll hear you.
It’s all your fault. You ran away from him. He told you to stay.
Why didn’t you listen to him?
Levi’s hand gently wrapped around Eren’s waist as he stepped forward. He silently shook his head, nudging Eren a little closer to him, away from the open air. As if his body moved under Levi’s control, Eren followed, letting Levi guide him to a thick, wide evergreen tree. Eren’s lips parted to speak, to apologise again, eyes so fixated on Levi’s calming, quiet demeanor. But the small shake of Levi’s head stopped him still. When Levi kissed him, then, wordless and soft, Eren let himself go. His knees buckled as he gripped his arms tight around Levi’s shoulders. He pulled the other boy closer to him, seeking his warmth and touch. He felt his chest open up, the butterflies in his stomach blooming. There were no words spoken, and yet, it felt like forgiveness. Levi’s hands parted each other. One rested on the curve of Eren’s back, the other on the back of Eren’s head. A small gasp parted Eren’s lips when Levi pushed forward, pressing him into the bark of the tree, Levi’s thigh nudging up between Eren’s legs. Tears continued to fall. Eren continued to kiss his lover as if it was the last time.“Please,” He muttered in-between, “I’m so sorry, it’s all my-” “Don’t,” Levi said. The silence returned between them. Warm hands roamed Eren’s skin, drawing tingles up his spine and his chest. A heat started to build, and Eren started to wonder if they were really going to do this here . Here? Right now? Perhaps, for Levi’s thigh came a little too close, and his lips started to travel down Eren’s neck, and it became increasingly difficult for Eren to remain quiet.“L-Levi, not here, we have to get home, p-please-” It seemed that that was all it took, for Eren’s body became a little colder after he spoke.Levi had stepped back quite violently, in a way, as if having to peel himself off. With tired eyes Eren watched as Levi’s hands ran down his face, the rise and fall of his chest a little faster than before. The apples of his cheeks were a coral pink when Levi’s eyes flickered back to Eren. They were full blown, darker in the black of the night. Eren shivered, blinking away the silent tears from his eyes. “Never, ever, leave me. Never again.” Levi’s hands curled into fists by his side. “I told you, over and over, to not leave the house. It was the one thing that I made sure to remind you of, Eren. And yet you disobeyed me.”He felt his throat close up. With a defensive step forward, Eren shook his head, “I’m so sorry, I- I don’t know why I did it! I promise! I don’t know, I wasn’t thinking, everything was so fast and-”Levi’s body shifted back towards him as he grabbed Eren’s wrists, gentle despite the harshness of the situation. “I could have lost you. What if I didn’t make it in time?” “I’ll never leave you again,” Eren choked out, stepping into Levi’s space, rocking onto the balls of his feet to get a little closer. “I wasn’t thinking right. I’m sorry.” Levi’s brows furrowed at the latter. He spoke with a softer tone this time, asking, “Have you been seeing things again?”What was he to say? Eren bit his lip. He wasn’t quite sure if he was seeing things. But he felt paranoid, on edge, anxious and desperate to run and run and run until he couldn’t anymore. “I love you,” He chose to say instead. Levi’s face remained still. A silence fell between them. Only the trees and the creatures of the night, hidden under the leaves and in the branches could hear them now. Gentle fingers came to caress Eren’s face, resting on his jaw. “Answer my question,” Was the only words Levi said.His heart faltered. He didn’t say he loves me, he doesn’t love me anymore, I fucked up, he hates me, Levi hates me, I can’t- “I love you, Eren,” Levi said, as if reading his mind. “Answer my question.” “I saw you,” Eren said. He chose to divert his attention, looking at the frozen leaves and snow on the ground. When Eren didn’t answer, and his legs started to shake again, Levi’s arms came up and wrapped around his waist. A sigh slipped past Eren’s lips. “Tell me about it.”“Shouldn’t we leave? What if the soldiers-”“We are hidden behind the trees. They won’t see us here. Tell me,” Levi said with warmth. With hesitation Eren looked to meet his lover’s eyes again. There was a tenderness in his features, expressed even through the blooded cut on Levi’s brow bone and the deep circles that curved under his tired eyes. Levi leaned in to kiss his forehead, a silent word to continue . “In the church, I kept seeing you. They left me there all alone, Levi,” Eren’s voice cracked at his name. “I was so hungry. They kept hurting me, I don’t remember what I did. But they know about us, they know, and it’s all my fault, they’ll hurt us-”“Shh, shh, my love,” Levi hushed him, hand reaching up to hold the back of Eren’s head. Eren leaned into him, muffling his cries in his lover’s chest. “I saw you, you were there with me, right there, I swear,” Eren cried, shoulders trembling, hands grasping at Levi’s sweater. “I was so scared, everything was dark, everything hurt !” “You saw me?” Levi asked. Eren thought back to it. Lying cold on the floor, crying into the empty building, staring at the statue of the Lord and apologising over, and over, and over. Levi coming to him - he was right there, he was, he had to be - and saying he will never leave him. And then the dream.The dream. The figure in his dream, white and basked in gold, saying Eren was abused, that Levi was no different to his mother and father; just a little kinder on the outside, showering him in love and kisses and sex but still making sure Eren was obedient as his parents desired him to be.
“What has he done that is any different to them?”
“He kisses me,” Eren choked. “He loves me. He- he’s helping me, and- and- he doesn’t hit me! They hit me! They’ve hurt me so much! You wouldn’t understand!”
“Oh, so he doesn’t hit you,” It spoke. “But he tells you what to do, whispers in your little ear to just follow him and everything will be okay. Does he love you? Or does he just love how you make him feel?”
Eren let out a shaky breath.
“So many children have been abused,” It spoke, “And yet, they don’t destroy their own innocence in a desperate, pathetic attempt to feel free from the chains of abuse their mother’s and father’s have wrapped so tight around-”
“I am not abused!”
“I’m not ruined!”
Levi was kissing his cheeks, his forehead, muttering sweet words into his ear. Eren was crying, trembling more than he had been before. “Eren, it’s okay, I’m right here.”His stomach felt twisted into knots, tied down by heavy stones. His entire body ached. The wind was cold. The trees were tall and loomed down on him, haunting him, laughing at him. “It was just a stupid dream,” Eren whispered. “What dream?” His lover asked.“Am I being abused?” Eren spoke; completely disconnected from what Levi had said. With innocence and naivety he looked up at Levi, lips parted softly, tears cold on his hollowing cheeks. He needed Levi to tell him no. He needed Levi to kiss him again, tell him none of it was real, tell him that soon his parents will be dead and Eren will be free and his life will be okay again. Again? As if anything had ever been okay. His question seemed to puzzle Levi, leave him without answers for a moment. “In my dream,” Eren tried to explain, “It said my parents abused me. I didn’t like it.”“Why didn’t you like it?”Eren paused. He looked around, at the snow on the ground, the darkness between the trees, the faint light of torches in the fields behind them. “It makes me feel small. Powerless.” “You’re none of those things.”“Are you sure?” He spoke back, trying to ignore the heavy knot in his throat. “Look where we are. It’s all my fault. I needed you to save me, like you’ve always done.” “Needing me doesn’t make you powerless,” Levi said, wiping Eren’s tears with the back of his palm. “Your parents will be gone soon. There’s no need to worry about them anymore. I’ve got you, and I’m not letting you leave me ever again.”
He tells you what to do, whispers in your little ear to just follow him and everything will be okay.
Does he love you? Or does he just love how you make him feel?
He tried to ignore the voice in his head, and the sinking feeling of his heart. Levi loved him. Everything he has done for him must have been love. Why would he kiss Eren? Why would he lay with him? Why would he risk his life, coming to find him, if it was not love? Rocking onto his toes, Eren leaned in, and kissed him. “I love you,” He muttered, holding Levi’s face in his hands. Levi kissed him back. Talking against his lips, he said quietly, “We need to get moving. Is that all you wanted to talk about now? Anything else?” Eren rested back on his feet. Turning back, he watched as the dim lights of the torches were still faded, far back out in the fields. The soldiers had yet to give up on finding them, but they were far. Should he say why he was locked up? Did Levi already know? “They know about us.” And with that, Levi stilled. Time seemed stilled with him.“You told them?”Eren bit his lip, hesitantly shaking his head. “I don’t know. I can't remember. But they know. They- they- hurt me, and wanted to take me to some… some asylum. In the morning. They left me in the church and someone was going to take me in the morning.” “The one in the capitol…” Levi muttered after a moment’s silence. Eren nodded, lifting his head to look up at Levi. His lover met his eyes, brows furrowed deeply. “Do you remember a while ago, when we visited that church together in the dark?” Ah , Eren thought, cheeks flushing as memories of Levi touching him in such a holy place came across his mind. Why did he want to talk about that now? Nonetheless, Eren nodded. “We found that blueprint.” Oh, the blueprint, Eren stifled back a shy smile. Yeah. The other thing that happened in the church. That was definitely his first thought. Still, Eren’s memory was quite fuzzy. He frowned, prompting Levi to tell him, “About the Princess Sina Asylum? The one near the capitol. Built in 1824, a few years before you were born. The one your father built, and the mayor gave him money to build it.” His heart sunk.“I don’t understand what you’re saying,” Eren whispered.“He was going to take you there, like he took the Ackerman family there, because they dared to defy him, to be free. Don’t you see it, Eren?” Levi’s voice was pleading. His hands shifted to cup Eren’s face. In the dim moonlight, Levi’s skin was white as snow. “It’s all connected. The Ackerman family, you, your parents, the mayor, everything in this filthy town is connected.” The wind howled. Eren gripped tightly onto Levi’s arms. In his ears, he could hear his beating heart, and in his chest, he could feel the knots growing inside of him. These were things that Eren had already known, but, with it all placed so clearly in front of him, Eren felt sick.Levi continued, “Your parents are the reason so many members of the Ackerman’s are dead. The Reiss family gave them money to build this asylum, to put in people that defy them and the Jaeger’s family’s power and influence. It’s all corrupt. It’s all connected.” “And where do I place? In all of this,” Eren croaked out with a quiet whisper.“It’s simple,” Levi said. “You’ll be the reason they die. And the chains of control they have wrapped around everyone will be broken.”
They’ll die.
My parents.
And I will be the reason.
Shouting from the fields interrupted their peace. The dim lights started to move faster, and faster, getting brighter and closer together. Levi cursed behind him, hands that gripped his own tightening. The wind continued to howl and scream, and in a large gush that froze Eren to the core, several of the torch lights darkened completely. Shit . Another member of the group must have been caught, and running towards the forest for cover; bringing all the other soldiers with them. And now, the wind blew out the only thing that illuminated their threat in the dark. Without a word, Eren turned, and let Levi pull him deeper into the darker forest.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Blood rushed through his veins, full of adrenaline, pushing Eren onwards. If he stopped, he feared he would never move again, each muscle and bone in his body aching. “Stop! Stop running!” Someone yelled behind them. The trees rushed by, barely visible in the dark. Owls sung in the trees, bats dashing above through the clouds. The forest floor was unstable, dipping without warning and holed, branches and trunks having fallen over the snowed ground that hid whatever was underneath. They weren’t on the cobbled path, meaning it was easy to be lost, and far easier to be injured by whatever awaited them. “Don’t let go of my hand,” Levi said in a stressed whisper; Eren locked their fingers tighter, fearing that any stumble would split them apart for good. Flickers of light were in the surroundings, barely illuminating the soldiers that held it and the trees that surrounded them. Cold seeped through Eren’s clothes, numbing his skin. Snow had dampened his holed-shoes and he wondered how far they’d have to run and how far he could go before his body gave up on him.The crumbs of food that the group had given him wasn’t enough to replenish the emptiness that sat in his stomach. Emptiness of food, of love, of family, of any sense of identity outside of Levi.Despite the winter air, fire burned deep in his lungs. It ached throughout his muscles, making him feel as if he was breathing in smoke and ice. He gripped onto Levi’s hand, letting his lover push him through the forest - dipping and weaving throughout the trees - and tried to swallow down the burn with the cold. “P-Please, I need to stop,” He coughed out into the quiet, but Levi dismissed it, pushing him further and further into the deep web of trees and vines and scattered leaves on the frozen floor. A gunshot ripped throughout the air, sending sleeping birds screeching and animals scurrying. “We can’t stop,” Levi grunted, his fingers digging deeper into Eren’s skin. And so they did not, continuing to run, swerving to the side and turning whenever a gunshot sounded too close. The soldiers continued to fire, scaring them further into the dark. Perhaps they thought that in the thick of the forest they’d get lost, and eventually, when night turned to day, they could essentially trap them in, and wait for the time that they had to leave the boundaries of the trees. Was it all worth it? Eren thought to himself. Is this what my life will be like now? In front, he could make out the shadowy shapes of two, thick trees that rested on uneven, snowy ground. His mind told him to go left - but Levi yanked to the right. In the confusion, Eren felt his ankle twist in a sickening way, slipping on a branch that had been hidden by a thick blanket of snow. Their hands fell apart, and Eren fell down. The uneven ground turned steep; rolling down to a ditch. A yelp slipped past his lips involuntarily, echoing throughout the forest. Eren’s body smashed onto rocks, tree stumps; branches stabbed into his skin and rotting leaves, vines and dirt coated him in filth. “Fuck!” Levi cursed out. Soldiers shouted in the distance, signalling they’d heard the accident. A few gunshots were fired off as if warning the pair that the soldiers were coming for them. Tears pricked at Eren’s eyes and panic settled deep into his throat as he scrambled around in the dark. Blinking open his eyes, there was only the faintest of surroundings that he could see. Rocks, shallow pools of water - it was a dried up stream. Trees grew thick on each side of the ditch. Crawling around, feeling a terrible, stabbing pain in his lower right leg, Eren bit his lips hard to hold back the wincing tears and cries. The ice cold water of the shallow pools stung his hands that were covered in fresh wounds. Rocks and dirt crumbled from the riverbed’s walls behind him as he heard Levi whisper out his name in frantic panic. “I-I’m fine,” Eren muttered. He turned his head to look for his lover in the dark. A figure seemed to be against the wall of the riverbed, but Eren could not make out any features. He crawled towards it, not realising how far away he was from where he’d originally fallen from; nor realising that Levi was still climbing down the wall. The world spun. Blood gushed out of a wound on his forehead, stinging his eyes, leaving a taste of metal thick on his tongue. It hurt; he hurt, everything hurt, he needed to find Levi - Levi would protect him, Levi would kill the soldiers, Levi would hold him and make him forget every sorrowful cry and painful memory he’d ever have. Creatures of the night howled around him. Rocks dung into his knees, sticking into the ripped skin from his fall. He felt like throwing up the water and scraps of food he’d been given during his rescue as a stench of blood and rotten flesh reached him. But he kept going, he kept crawling forward, trying so hard to focus on the figure through his dazed, spinning gaze. “Levi,” He cried out, breathing shakily through the immense fear and pain that ripped through his body. With each warning shot fired off in the distance, his heartbeat only grew louder in his ears - a continuous, pacing thump, blending in with the rushing of blood in his body. The figure in front of him stayed still, but Eren continued to crawl towards it - Levi, Levi, please help me, please save me, please hold me , he thought. “Eren, stay there, don’t move!” His eyebrows furrowed. But you’re right here? It was so close now. Levi continued to yell out his name, the sound seeming to come from all around him. The figure continued to rest against the wall; did Levi not see him? It must be Levi, there was nobody else here. With a shaking hand he reached forward to the still body, but held himself back. Eren cried out, “Can’t you see me?”“Eren, stop, I’m behind you, don’t go any further!” His head tilted to the side, the words having no effect on him.
Go forward. What is it? Touch it. Who is the body in the riverbed?
Eren reached out again. The pungent, rank smell was all around him. Levi’s frantic footsteps blended in with the humming sound of blood in his ears and the continuous bang and thump of heartbeats and gunshots. Eren’s breath had slowed to a hushed, heaving whimper. The skin was cold. It felt like stone; no softness left at all. With trembling fingers he traced over the face; in the dark, he could barely see anything, but his sense of touch told him what was there. Eye Sockets were empty, turned into hollow and broken holes. Pieces of flesh seemed to almost fall off under his touch, and some parts felt as if they were picked clean down to bone. Fingers traced down to the neck. He could feel thick rope still wrapped around it.It’s dead. Someone was left here to die.“L-Levi,” Eren whispered. Arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him back with a thud. A groaning whimper of pain left his mouth but Levi’s hand clamped over it. Cold water from the pools splashed around them as they rested in a bed of rocks and half-melted snow. Eren laid on top, unmoving, eyes wide as he stared at the starry sky above. “I told you to not go any further!” Levi said, spare arm wrapping around Eren’s chest. “There was somebody there,”“There is nobody there.”Eren shook his head. He breathed out, “There’s something. I felt it. Their bones. The frozen skin. Can’t you smell how it rots?” A gunshot was let off, much closer this time than before. “Be quiet,” Levi hissed. “Don’t move.” Birds and bats screamed out into the night. Sounds of scurried footsteps, rocks and leaves being trampled over and the sound of snapping sticks, it all seemed to pound inside of Eren’s head. Everything was too loud. The scent of rot was too pungent and strong. Levi’s body underneath his was too solid and stiff. “We know you’re out here! We saw you with the boy - give him back to us and you’ll get out of here alive. Nobody has to get hurt here today!” A bitter taste of metallic blood made Eren want to choke. He squirmed around, feeling shots of electric pain run up his legs and his spine. With the movement, Levi only gripped him tighter - a quiet, wordless warning to stay still. Any movement, any tiny crackling noise could send the soldiers in their direction. Then it could all be over. The empty eyes of the body seemed to burn into him. Eren couldn’t watch it. The tears he was barely holding back might just slip past if he thought about it too long.When he saw Annie’s father - rotten, burnt, gutted in the snow - he’d screamed with such horror that it seemed to rip through his throat, scarring his vocal cords, a cry out to let everyone in the whole of Shiganshina know what he had just seen.And now, in the dark, Eren pulled his lover’s arms even closer in an embrace, swallowing back the violent scream that threatened their safety. But the smell was so strong. It rotted, a lifeless corpse just mere feet away from him. Did it suffer? Who brought it here? Did Eren know them? Did it look down upon them now from the Heavens, venomous words falling from it’s tongue as it saw the way Eren laid so close to another man, as it saw the way Eren let himself stay in the apparent safety of someone he knew to be so violent. Levi had killed people before, that Eren knew painfully so; did he know this body in the riverbed? Did he kill again? How many people has he killed? Will he kill you? Questions sat in his stomach like bricks. He ached to cry, ached to scream out all the fear, anger, suffering that had built up inside, ached to run and run until collapse.“Come out! We’ll find you! You can’t hide from us!” Love me, save me, save me, save me, Eren wanted to sob. Levi, Levi, why are you like this? Why am I like this? What am I becoming? “We will shoot on sight if you don’t surrender now!” Despite the harsh grip of his lover trying to pull him back to reality, Eren felt himself grow unstable. Breath continued to pace, body continued to squirm in a desperate attempt to escape whatever invisible fear creeped up onto him. He was being judged by a being above; he could feel it. As the men continued to come closer, Eren started to plead and to pray.
Save me, save me, I’m sorry, I don’t want to die like this.
Will he end up like the body? Will he burn? Imaginary hands grabbed at him, the body seeming to laugh into the night. The trees, even, seemed to mock his suffering. Eren, who’d shut his eyes moments before in desperation to quieten his mind, began to twist and turn against Levi’s body, causing splashes of the shallow rock pool they’d hidden in. He kicked out his feet, hitting the body’s cracked legs, causing it to fall down and smack against the rocky, unstable edge of the riverbed’s wall. Rocks began to tumble, clanking and smashing against each other in the dark. “Stop fucking moving!” Levi’s words were whispered harshly into his ear, his grip tightening around Eren almost painfully. Bruises painted his stomach and body from the fall and the abuse of his parents in the past days, and with each second of Levi’s once comforting arms wrapped around him, the pain only became more unbearable. He gasped for air, heaving loudly, desperately seeking the coolness to come in and sooth the hot burn of panic and ache that settled in his lungs. A whimper, helpless and childish, slipped from his lips. The tears were hot and burned the wounds on his face, but Eren couldn’t stop no matter how much he tried. It started as a quiet break in the facade, before the walls burst open and the floodgates shattered completely. Rambling through tears, Eren sobbed, “Please, please, we- we- have- leave, leave, let’s-”“Stop!” “Levi, Levi, save me!”Another gunshot. “We can hear you! We’re coming!”“You need to shut up!” Eren started to sob uncontrollably, heaving and crying and thrashing against Levi’s body. He needed to move . He needed to run. Away from the rot, away from the riverbed, away from the forest. It wasn’t safe here. He’s not safe. He’s never been safe. Levi’s hands couldn’t contain him anymore. Eren rolled off him, splashing into the shallow water. He tried to stand but came crashing back down as a scream ripped through his dry throat; it felt as if the bones in his leg were grinded down to ash, with nothing there to hold him up at all.Gunshot. One, two, three; the third splatting into the ground a few meters in front of him, digging into the soil as rocks and debris flew into the air.
Run, run, run.
Hide from the rot. Hide from the body. Hide from it all.
Soldiers stumbling down the walls of the riverbed behind him, splashing into the shallow pools. With a glance Eren looked behind him to see Levi already on his two feet, fist raised with a gun that fired off hastily. The torches that the soldiers had held were dropped to the floor; with time seeming to still for just a moment, Eren watched with frozen horror as they went out in the snow, one by one.“Levi!” He screamed out, then, as the world became even darker than before. “Fucking run , Eren!”The gunshots were painfully loud, rocking his ears, making his head spin. He tried to run, but his legs failed him each time, stumbling down and hitting the floor after each step. There was no logic in time as the seconds raced past. They’ll kill him, they’ll kill him, he panicked, sobbing hysterically with sorrow and fear as he reached the other side of the riverbed wall. He turned around, seeing dark figures of lifeless bodies in the shallow pools. He can’t leave Levi. He can’t leave him.
It’s all your fault. Everything is your fault. Why couldn’t you have stayed quiet? He’s going to die.
You should be the one that dies. Not him. Never him.
Yells, screams, agonising cries of pain; so different from the usual stillness of the forest.Three figures were left, in the corner of the riverbank. Punches were thrown over and over as the gunshots died down; perhaps, all bullets had been wasted, or the guns had been dropped in the fight. One of them must have been Levi - if he was already dead, the soldiers would have started running towards him. Eren stumbled forward. He ignored the pain, almost crawling forwards on all fours over the dips and rocky shallows. Blood hung thicker in the air than before. If he could get close enough, let them take him, they’ll leave Levi alone. Levi will be safe.“Take me!” His voice cracked as he screamed out. “Leave him alone!”His voice seemed to hush them, only for a moment. “He's under arrest-”In the dark Eren watched Levi lunge forward, stabbing the figure in a moment of distraction. A gasping sob could be heard, and then, the figure dropped to the floor.And then were two - Levi, the one closest to him, and the other on the riverbed. “Nicolas!” A woman screamed at the dying soldier. Her head turned to Levi as she reached for a gun that had been discarded on the ground. “I’m going to fucking kill you!”Time slowed as she raised it.
No, no, no, she can’t!
Save him.
Save him.
Levi laughed, cockily, his arm that gripped a bloodied knife pointing at her in pure mockery. “Your gun is fucking empty-”A loud, heavy bang echoed deep into the night.One of the figures dropped to the ground, rolling into the bloody, shallow water. It choked, gasping, wheezing as blood inevitably filled the lungs and obstructed the air. It crawled in desperation, but alas, coming to a still within moments. It had joined the other bodies in the riverbed. With it’s death, the forest returned to silence once more.No doubt God looked down upon them now. “L-Levi,” Eren cried out. His lover turned to him in the dark. Pale moonlight illuminated his bloodied face. His lips had parted, fallen open in shock, brows creased and eyes glazed over. Eren, still standing with his arms deadlocked and raised, held a shaking gun.“Eren,” Levi breathed. “It’s over. Put down the gun.”It dropped to the ground with a clang, and Eren followed along with it. But Levi leaped forward, catching him before his bruised knees slammed into the ground. “I’ve got you,” He soothed Eren, hand holding the back of his head, the other reaching under his arms to hold him up on shaking, injured feet. “We’re safe. They’re gone.”“She-she’s dead,” Eren hiccuped, and looked to the ground around him. "I killed her. Oh- fuck, I- I killed her, Levi, Levi!" Bodies laid still. Dark blood coloured the water red, it finally still enough again to reflect the pale light of the moon and shadows of the trees above. Soldier’s uniforms, covered in dirt and blood, ridden with holes from wounds. And then the oldest body, the original man in the riverbed. He laid against the wall, shrugged over on himself. The rope was still wrapped tight around his neck, and now that everything had seemed to still again, Eren followed the rope with his eyes, seeing it wrap around the base of a tree at the top of the riverbed. His skin felt cold as he continued to heave, feeling panic claw at his skin. "I killed her! She-""Breathe, Eren," Levi hushed, "I've got you, baby, it's okay, you're okay." "She's dead, she's dead, I- I killed someone! I- Levi? Levi? Oh, it's all my fault!""Shh, baby, shh," Levi continued to hum, kissing his forehead, his ears, his cheeks. His hands rushed through his hair, trying to soothe him as Eren trembled and heaved in his arms. His hands were bloody, but it did not matter - Eren was covered in blood, too, and he wasn’t sure anymore who it belonged to. “It's not your fault. I should have kept you safe. I could've killed them faster. It's not your fault at all." His stomach sank at the latter. Eren whispered, “No, no, you- Levi, it’s all-all my fault. They found us because I couldn’t stay- stay quiet. There was a gun right there. I… I just wanted to keep you safe, and… and I-” Levi shook his head at him, kissing him soft and gentle - oh, how Eren needed it right now. "You were scared. You’re not used to this kind of life. But everything’s going to be okay now. I’ve got you. We’re going home.” In the darkness they embraced, a different emotion lingering in the air to the embrace they’d shared before on the floor of the riverbed. Eren nearly clinged onto him, pushing his face into Levi’s neck, running his hands under Levi’s shirt and up the barred skin of his back, desperate to touch him and reassure himself that Levi was real, Levi was okay, Levi was alive. An unsettled feeling continued to linger. She was dead. He’d killed someone. Everything they had ever once been - maybe a sister, a daughter, a mother, a friend - it was all gone. Their dreams, their hobbies, their hopes had all disappeared. One bullet that had sliced through her skull, ripping and tearing flesh and thousands of connections was all it took. It seemed too easy.
What have I become?
“Will it feel like this…” Eren began. He stood back on rocking feet, looking at Levi through tears, “When I kill my parents?” Levi stared, face firm and untelling. He paused, breathing in quick, shifting his hold on Eren to link their fingers together. Avoiding the question, he simply said, “I’ll carry you home.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The night was quiet. Owls screeched in the distance, wind brought shivers to the bruised skin on Eren’s body. When they reached Levi’s home - Eren’s home - the warmth of the inside met him like a hug. After Eren and Levi had… killed those soldiers, the group had found each other alongside the backroads. Any other soldier was storming in the other direction towards the forest, ignorantly believing that was where the fighting was. But the only thing that will meet these soldiers are the dead bodies of their comrades, bleeding out, blood seeping into the dirt where it will nurture the undergrowth. Gently, Levi placed Eren down on the couch in the living room. A fire still burned under the mantle piece, the heat a welcomed change from the winter air in the night. He winced as he sat down, letting his tired and aching body sink into the cushion. It hurt to breathe, his ribs no doubt cracked with the rising and fall of the pressure in his lungs. The hours before were fragmented in his mind like shattered glass. Blood still was heavy in the air, and Eren wondered if he'd ever get the stentch of rot out of his nose. He thought maybe after seeing Annie's father on the snow that cold night he'd be used to it. After all, he and Levi were to kill his parents one day. But his stomach and gut twisted inside of him at mere rememberence. It felt childish. He was childish. Compared to the others - and to his dear Levi - Eren was inexperienced. He'd never seen a gun before he met Levi. Never kissed anyone, never drank liqour, never stepped out of line for the pure fear of the punches that'd be thrown in his direction if he did. Slowly, that was changing. That should be good. It was good. Right? Isn't it good for Eren to be a little more like Levi, and a little less like the son of a pastor that the town knew him to be? “Let’s clean you up,” Hanji spoke from behind him. She gathered a box from a shelf, and poured herself a bowl of water. When she kneeled in front of him, Eren shut his eyes shut in anticipation for the sting. He was never good with wounds. He’d had so many bruises and small cuts growing up, but it still hurt the same each time. Pain does not dull. The nerves still burn. She dipped a cloth into water, and began to gently rub the blood and dirt off his skin. Would it wipe him clean of his sins, too? Maybe if he prayed hard enough, Eren could go back to before he ran out of the house. Back before everyone had to come save him again like he was a little lost child in a big wide world that just wasn't made for him. “Man, our faces are going to be plastered all over the town tomorrow. Do you reckon they’ll draw my nose wrong again?” Furlan snickered. Isabel commented something in reply, to which Eren wasn’t paying attention to at all. Something was off. Where was Levi? Why wasn't he holding his hand, kissing his temple, telling him how brave he was and how strong he was as Hanji cleaned his wounds? He'd carried Eren all the way home without a complaint. Shook with fear as Eren raised that gun. But Eren did it, he did it for Levi, he'd do it again for Levi, even if it meant having to deal with how horrible his chest felt, how his body seemed to fill up with cemement as soon as he pressed the trigger, how Eren could almost feel the burning, raging eyes of his God peer down into him.Hanji must have noticed Eren. “Levi and Kenny went upstairs.”“Why isn’t Levi down here?”It was pathetic, the way his voice was small. After everything the group had done for Eren, not just tonight but in the past, and yet he still felt so alone when Levi wasn’t right there next to him. Those hours in the church alone had been so haunting. He’d never felt so afraid, so isolated. It had gone on for seemingly days and weeks in his mind; he’d been left alone to rot in the dark. Did he deserve it? Oh, most definitely - Eren had done everything wrong, betrayed his kin and his morals and his God, he deserved to rot until his bones fed the pigs. But he wanted to be saved. He wanted Levi to sweep him off his feet, press kisses to his aching joints, tell him how wonderful and kind and lovely Eren was. Nobody’d ever treated him like that. Not even his God. For a moment in the darkness Levi was there right with him. Kissing him, holding him. Eren would blink and his beloved was gone; blink again and he was back. Hanji did not answer his question. “Just going to put a bandage around your knee, Eren. You must’ve hit it pretty bad.”
My knee?
A roaring, stinging pain jolted through his body. Recoiling into himself as if it would shield the pain, a harsh curse slipped past his lips. Opening his eyes he looked down to where Hanji kneeled, sheepishly smiling as she held up a bottle of alcohol. It was only then that Eren felt the sensation of liquid dripping off his skin onto the floor. “They used to do this in the war, you know - said it stopped people from dying of all kinds of things. I don’t know what kinds of things they were. But I’m not letting you die on me - I value my life and I would prefer to not die by Levi’s hand.” “What war?” Eren muttered, desperately pushing the words out through the pain that hung over him.“Fuck, you make me feel so old,” was Hanji’s only comment before she resumed.Fire burning under the mantle did not only bring warmth but also light to the home, allowing Eren took a good, long look at his legs, his arms, his feet for the first time. The wound on his knee was wide and deep, showing pink muscle and yellow fat, red blood dripping and staining the floorboards. The other knee was simply bruised, no cut, but painted in dark greens, yellows, black. More bruises were spotted across his arms, and his fingertips had been gnawed down and ripped down to the nailbeds - the sight eliciting a blurred memory of the dark church, and Eren scratching on the doors as a begging scream ran through his throat. Maybe he should have been left to starve and rot in the House of God. Maybe God would have been kind, and let him live. Maybe a few more hours and God would see how lonely, how afraid, how desperate Eren was. Would that man be alive if Eren had done what he was told? He’d killed someone. When Eren had raised that gun and pulled the trigger he had killed someone. He had killed someone, taken their life and everything they had ever been from the world. Violently stole it from them. He’d held that gun in his hand and pulled on the trigger, letting the bullet fly and rip through flesh, bone and brain, cutting apart blood vessels and skin and tissue and letting it destroy everything that person had ever been and ever was.
You killed her, you know this, you knew it would kill her as you grabbed the gun. What's more important? Levi or that soldier? Who will mourn more? You or the soldier's family, no doubt still asleep?
She was gone now. And for what? Levi could have just as easily taken that soldier down. He'd taken down all the others.
Did Levi kill the first body in the riverbed?
“I killed someone,” Eren blurted out, letting his shoulders relax as the words slipped by his lips. Tension had built in his muscles and body without notice. When Levi had carried Eren home, he had told Levi there was no guilt in the shooting. Levi was the most important person in the whole world - what is so important about a measely soldier? Alas however, here Eren sat, feeling his bones rattle and his teeth grind down on each other to bite back the screaming in his throat. The constant chatter in the background of Furlan and Isabel went silent. Hanji stopped bandaging his knee. Erwin, from where he’d sat at the kitchen counter sipping on straight whiskey, stood up, made his way over, and sat down next to him. The couch dipped. The fire continued to burn.“Are you okay?" Erwin's hand reached for Eren, but Eren pushed it away. You're not Levi. Don't touch me. Where is Levi? “He was going to kill Levi." The words were bitter. Where was Levi? Why wasn't he here with him? Eren had killed someone for Levi, and Levi left him the second they were home safe. Did Eren do something wrong? He stared straight ahead, at the fire behind Hanji’s head. The flames danced, the soot spitting out, tiny flickers of amber giving their last, desperate breaths of heat before their light ran out. “He- I couldn’t- I couldn’t let him.” “Hey,” Isabel spoke from behind him. She rested her body against the back of the couch, arching her back and letting her head dangle down. “That’s good. You kept Levi safe. What’s important, Eren, is that all of us - right here, this group - we look out for each other. You looked out for Levi. That’s good.” “Is it?” His voice fell to a whisper. It didn't feel good. The dancing flames blurred. His eyes stung. Did Levi only love Eren when Eren was clinging onto him? Did Eren taking control of that situation scare Levi? Why? Why can't Eren do anything right?“Death is just a part of life,” Erwin began. “We all die. It’s how it is. Some of us die earlier than others.”“But I killed her,” Eren said with emphasis, turning his head to stare down at his former teacher. “I am the reason she’s dead. Not disease or old age, but me, it’s me, I took that from her.” He didn’t know why it was hitting him now. They’d managed to come all the way home and Eren had been just fine, holding onto Levi and staring at the sky. Why was it hurting so much now? Why here? Why was he crying? Why did he fall? It was all his fault. If he hadn’t fell, Levi would have been fine, those people would still be alive, he wouldn’t have sinned, he wouldn’t have seen the body-“Eren, deep breaths,” Hanji spoke.“The body-” He spat out. Hands clasped on the edge of the count as if it would stop him from spiraling, his throat burning like the fire under the mantle. Isabel’s cool fingers gripped his shoulder but Eren continued to pace inside of his mind. Everything felt too hot. Tugging on the collar of his shirt Eren gulped deeply, struggling to let the air move in and out. Gunshots sounded over and over, pounding on his skull, full of anger and torment and reminders of his sins. A million thoughts and a million regrets were running through him, but all that managed to be spoken was, “There was a body there.”“Uh, yeah, that’s how it works. We all got bodies.”“Furlan.” Erwin’s tone was sharp. His eyes returned to Eren. “What do you mean? Another body, outside the group of soldiers?”
A dark figure rested up against the sides of the riverbed. Sulfur, rot, metal hung in the air. A rope hung off the body. Moss grew over the shoes. Soldiers shouted in the distance. Levi called out to him - "Don't move, I'm right here Eren, don't move!"
“Yeah,” His fists clenched again. “I don’t know who it was. It- They- they had been there for a while, I think. I didn’t see the face.”Erwin’s lips were pressed thin. He sighed, taking a sip of the whiskey in his hand, and resting his head against the couch. Nobody else dared to speak. Erwin stared ahead, eyes full of thought, before he glanced back to Eren. “Sometimes people go to the forest to commit suicide.”His breathing faltered. “Oh.”“Oh.” Silence settled over them. After a while, Hanji stood up, saying something that Eren didn’t quite hear through the buzz that ringed in his ears. She left somewhere behind him, and Eren settled his gaze on the flames of the fire once more. Suicide wasn’t really something that had been discussed much in his life. Except for being told it was sinful, and if you did it you were betraying God and his plan. But if God planned everything, then did God plan for death? Was it God’s plan for Eren to kill that man tonight? Was it God’s plan for Eren’s parents to beat him breathless, to lock him in a dark building, to scream at him and call him sinful and disgusting and foul and-
“How dare you betray us like that! You filthy child! What have you done to yourself?”
“You’ve ruined yourself! You’re ruined!”
What were his parents so angry about when he was home? He’d said something, done something, told them something, but Eren can’t quite remember. Suicide seemed so lonely. Did the body die alone? Did they regret it in their last breaths? Were they afraid? Eren had never thought about it, never even flickered across his mind that he could take his life into his own hands and control it by simply ending it. But then again, perhaps that would be God's plan after all. “Eren could have fucking died, Kenny!” Well, that most definitely was not his parent’s voices in his head. Turning around, Eren looked to the staircase behind him, having the same idea as everyone else in the room. The sound of his name made his heart leap, and he gripped onto the back of the couch and waited. Waited for Levi to come down stairs and sweep him off his feet. Eren would smile wide as Levi came downstairs, face beautiful as ever, strong and tall enough to keep Eren safe from the world around him. He'd grab Eren by the hand, pull him upstairs, and heal every bruise and cut and shattered bone no doubt somewhere in his body by a kiss alone. Life would be fine, and Eren could forget that rotting body and the sound of the soldier hitting the ground and the splitting, pounding gunshots that rang and repeated in his mind. There was none of that, however.“Listen, I get ya’ like the kid, but we coulda’ died too! And for what? We got what we needed!”“You know damn fucking well we don’t!”“What’s so important about-”“You finish that sentence Kenny, and I’ll fucking rip your guts out!” With a whistle Furlan shook his head, stepping back from where he’d leaned against the stairway entrance for a better hearing. His eyes met Eren’s, and a childish grin curled across his face. His mouth moved, no doubt saying something, but Eren’s mind was too fuzzed to process it. Levi and Kenny were fighting. It was all Eren's fault, as he feared. Levi didn't want to come downstairs and Levi didn't want to see him because Eren had done something wrong, ruined something, made someone upset, killed that soldier when Levi did not want Eren to move and now Eren was going to be punished for it.
What is the difference between Levi and your parents?
I am not abused!
Do you think it is love because he doesn't hit you? Because he fucks you? Because he calls you sweet words when you obey him?
I am not abused!
You're always obeying someone. You're never going to be free.
Eren blinked, pushing his eyes closed, trying to prevent any tears. Everything hurt, and he couldn't be sure if the seering pain in the middle of his chest was physical or only in his head. The words were just in his head, he knew that for sure. But it wasn't anyone else speaking. It was himself, as if a tiny part of his concious had split from the other and was determned to make Eren question everything he's ever done. Levi loved him. Levi would always love him. Levi was nothing like his parents at all, and any sort of doubt was just his own sick mind wanting to ruin the one, good thing Eren had in this life. Levi would protect him, Levi would save Eren, Levi would make Eren free.
Then where is he?
Twisting his body back around, Eren pushed his arms into the couch, trying to lift himself up. Pain ran through his body and the new bandage around his knee the joint difficult to bend. But Eren made it with the sheer will to try and fix whatever he has done wrong, and he started to limp towards the staircase. Eren could not sit and listen to the fighting. All he did was sit and wait whilst the rest of the group worked, cared for him, saved him, protected him. “Just let them fight it out, Eren,” Erwin warned, but Eren continued to step forward.“Seriously-”“Stop, stop, let me go see Levi,” Eren said, giving a quick glance and a dismissive hand. WIth a sigh, they left him alone. Maybe they knew that Eren was stubborn, and he'd only sit in silence as the panic ate at him. Knowing that Levi and Kenny were fighting because of him made Eren freak. The staircase was a traitor. How did it seem so impossibly long and steep, when Eren had walked up it a thousand times before? Every step had him biting back pain in his knees, and the wincing only hurt his stomach, which only made him feel sick, which only then made everything a whole lot worse. Circles it seemed to run around, with everything only making Eren feel more like shit.
It's fine. You can apologise. Levi will forgive you for what you've done wrong, and you'll feel better.
What have you done wrong?
Eren stumbled down the hallway, head spinning from the pain - he felt his shoulder slam into a wall and the knees beneath him buckled in a desperate plea for Eren to please sit down, you've already walked and ran so much on such little food. But Levi's door was so close, and their shouting only became louder, more violent, more vulgar in words.“I just think ya’ve gotten a little soft!” Kenny’s voice was loud, gravelly as always, but tinted with concern that Eren had never heard before in the man’s voice. “Soft? I fucking stabbed a guy through the throat barely an hour ago and it felt fucking great! The hell do you mean soft? I protect what’s mine, that’s all!”“So he’s yours?”“Damn fucking right he is!”Eren made it, eventually, to the door of Levi’s bedroom. It was shut with only a slim slither of lantern light reaching out from under the crack. Resting his hand on the doorknob, he breathed out, trying to let the pain breathe out with it. It was all his fault. All of this - the fighting, the deaths, the pain in his body. Everything was his fault. Everything Eren touched, he ruined."What are ya' going to do once it's done? Huh? Discard your little toy to the ground?""He loves me. Why would I give him up when he loves me?""Because he makes you vulnerable-"Opening the door, it took the pair a moment to realise they’d been intruded on. Kenny continued his sentence before it trailed off into silence when his eyes fell on Eren, who leaned agaisnt the doorframe with a twsited face. He felt like he was going to throw up everywhere. Levi’s followed until his eyes were set upon Eren’s. They were hard, dark in the dimmer lantern light. He shivered under Levi’s sight, lips pressed thin in anxious worry as he took another step inside. “Kid,” Kenny started, but Levi cut him off by telling him to get the fuck out. The tone was sharp. And as any sensible person would do if Levi spoke to them in that way, Kenny did exactly what he was told, stomping past Eren and shutting the door closed just a little bit too hard. The sound rang in Eren's ears as he recoiled away from the source, shifting gaze around the room to avoid the way Levi seemingly hadn't moved a single inch. His stare burned into Eren. “Did you listen to us?”“We could hear you downstairs…” Eren muttered. His arms hugged his sides, eyes moving to stare down at his battered body. A silence followed his words. Say something, say something, say something, he begged quietly. The silence ate at him. The panic took at an opportunity to dig it's nasty claws into his bag. Footsteps made Eren cower. “Eren,” Levi’s hands were soft as they rested on his shoulders. “You’re fine. We’re fine.” A held breath fell from Eren's lips.
So we're fine? Is Levi not angry at me?
Fingertips rested under his chin, lifting his gaze. Levi’s eyes were warm, a smile small but enough to make Eren’s heart flutter. Dark circles curled under his eyes, dried blood on his forehead that Eren wasn’t quite sure if it was Levi’s own or not. The kiss that followed was gentle, sweet, and short. Levi’s lips moved to his temple, and then Eren’s cheekbone, and back to his lips again. Muttering against him, he said, “You should have stayed downstairs." “I can't. Not when you're fighting about me,” Eren replied.Levi clicked his tongue, shaking his head as he took a step back. Eren stepped forward to replace the space. "Baby, it's not about you. I promise. Kenny's just... well, he doesn't really understand some things." “Did I do something wrong?” Eren asked quietly, eyes flickering back up to Levi. “Not at all.”
Then why was he yelling so loudly? Why was he not with you, downstairs, caring for you? What is the difference between him and your parents?
“Are you lying to me?” He asked even quieter.Levi’s lips were pressed thin. Eren watched as his eyes traced over him. His thumb rested on Eren’s jaw, his other hand slipping behind his head. “Eren,” Levi started, “You know I never lie to you. Why would you think I’m lying?”And instantly, guilt settled inside of him. Words started to fall from his mouth as he rambled on, shoulders shaking as sobs left him violently and without hesitation. How could he question Levi like that? His dear, wonderful, kind, perfect Levi? What a joke Eren was - thinking that just for a split, harsh moment Levi could have lied, could have been anything other than the gentle and sweet man he's shown Eren. “Eren, sweetheart, calm down, you're okay-""Tell me what I did wrong!""Nothing, nothing sweetheart, please calm down-""Where were you! Why weren't you with me! I needed you! I always need you, I can't do this by myself!" His voice rose but not to a shout, just a desperate and pathetic cry into the night air. Fists shook by his sides as a pitful blush rose to his tear-streaked cheeks. Everything broke inside of him then. His shoulders shuddered, his lips trembled, and he collapsed into Levi’s arms. This was where he felt safe. This was his home; not just the roof and walls. This kiss was deeper. Longer. Intense. Levi’s hands found his way to the hem of Eren’s shirt, discarding it on the floor alongside his own. His lips found the way to every bruise on Eren’s body. His throat hummed as Eren’s hands curled into his hair, as a cry fell from Eren’s lips, as his name left Eren in a whisper. Everything felt desperate, from the way Eren was carried to the bed to the way Levi's name left his lips like a beg. He didn't know what he wanted, and he didn't know what he needed. Sex felt good, though, and Eren needed something good. He wanted to be loved. He wanted to be held and protected and have all the bad things in his life and the world kept away from him.“I’m not leaving you,” Levi spoke in his ear, and Eren crawled at his back. “You’re mine. You’re all mine, and I’m not letting anybody else have you.”“I killed someone,” Eren choked. The tears were hot on his cheeks. “For me,” Levi cooed, “For me, baby, you were just protecting me, isn’t that right? Hmm?” Eren nodded, and Levi kissed him. “You made me so proud.” Proud .Eren’s heart leaped. A pathetic, lovesick smile split his face wide open as he gazed up at his beloved Levi. He cried, hiccuping and spluttering out his words, "For you, it's all for you, everything is for you, I'd do anything."Levi hummed in response, rolling his hips up against Eren, the sensation delicious and warm and eliciting a low groan from Eren's lips. It hurt to move, it hurt to have Levi on top of him, but Eren needed him. He needed Levi to love him, kiss him, hold him. All he ever wanted was someone to be proud of him. To love him, to treat him softly.
Why did his parents never love him? Why were they never proud of him?
"Tell me you love me," Eren panted, pushing his body up, wrapping his leg around Levi's to pull him even closer. His knee stung, the pain almost blinding, but Eren pushed it to the side. All he cared about was Levi. "I love you," Levi said, and Eren moaned. "I love you, I love you, I love you." Levi’s thighs moved between his, pressing against soft flesh. Heat burned in his body. Eren let him, moaning around his tongue, hands gripping into Levi’s hair. He wanted to forget. Make me forget . Pants were discarded onto the floor and soon it was just them, no fabric to separate. It stung when Levi pushed into him. His wrists were trapped under Levi’s hands and Eren whined, wincing around the pain as Levi praised into his ear, “I know baby, I know, you’re doing so well for me, just relax.” Sleep begged for Eren. He wanted to cry, and scream, and run until his bones shattered, and then collapse on the floor in a pile of exhaustion and agony and sleep until the tree's roots grew over him. But Levi was here now, and Levi wanted this, so Eren wanted this. Anything Levi wanted, Eren was to give, because Levi was the most important thing in Eren's life. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else can matter. This was love. "Tell me you'll never lie to me," He whispered, gasping as soon as the word's left him as Levi's hands wrapped around Eren's hardened cock, twisting and running up and down the shaft as he thrusted in. "I'll never lie to you. You can only trust me, Eren, only me, nobody else will ever love you like I do."He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, Eren's mind repeated. Levi was nothing like his parents. Levi will always love him. Those thoughts were just thoughts, and meant nothing at all. This is fine. This was love. Levi’s lips pressed into his neck, teeth biting gently and tongue flickering over the fresh bruises. He pulled on Eren’s lip before trapping them in an open-mouth kiss, cock pushing in and out with a rhythm so slow it made Eren mewl. Eyes closed shut at the sensation, pushing the tears down his cheeks. Silently he cried, pushing Levi's head down to his neck and chest.He was so tired. Everything hurt. But Levi felt good, and Levi loved him, and for Heaven's sake this must be love, because what else could it be, and what else could Eren accept it to be if not beautiful, senseless, sickening love?Pain blinded him, made him numb, and the low heatful lust was the only other thing. It was disgusting, like Eren was going to throw up and moan at the same time. Fingernails dug into Levi's back. A heavy stone expanded in the back of his throat, mind racing with flashbacks of the bodies, the gunshot, the church, the beatings of his parents. But he kept going, he kept calling Levi's name, he kept moaning at the feeling of Levi's cock fucking him so slowly. Eren was fine. He'll forget. He'll forget it all. Let Levi touch him all over and make him forget by making Eren warm."I'm not letting you leave again," Levi near growled, hips rolling, teeth biting softly onto Eren's neck."Don't let me," Eren begged. Levi kissed him again. Blood, gunshots, a wounded animal crying into the night. Levi’s hands gripped into his hair as he pushed back in. The body left to rot, all alone in the forest. A moan slipped past Levi’s lips. You killed him, you killed him, you killed him! Would he rot? Would he burn? Would he suffer? Did the Earth know that these bodies, no doubt no rotting into the snow and the soil, had been taken so harshly from life? Did it weep at the loss? Did it scowl at Eren's still-beating heart? Was this God's plan all along? When a child was to run through the forest in the summer playing the games that Eren, Mikasa and Armin used to play, and stumble across the bodies that were left scattered across the floor, would it be noticed? The Earth was going to reclaim them all, in the end. Their blood will feed the trees. The only one to remember it will be God, all watching, all listening.And after all, Eren couldn't keep the pain all inside. A pitful sob fell from his lips, his breath catching in the back of his throat. His eyes drifted to the ceiling like they drifted to the statue of his God in that dark and lonely church and he cried out, "I- I- I feel so awful!"Levi stopped still, pulling away from where he’d been placing hickeys on Eren’s neck to catch Eren’s crying, trembling gaze. “Eren- Eren, do you want to stop? We can stop,” Levi asked him, and Eren shook his head - no, no, it’s already done, I want to forget, maybe this will make me forget, I can't remember it, I can't remember it, I killed him, I'm going to rot! “Love me,” Eren cried, “Please, my life is so awful, Levi,” He hiccuped, catching Levi’s stare. “You’re the only thing that’s good in it.”Gently Levi pulled out of him, and Eren only cried more - what did he want? Did he want sex? Did he want to just be held? Did he want to run? A deep panic settled into him, gnawing at his bones and his chest and his heart desperate enough to eat it raw. Tears and lungs burned like the dancing flames downstairs and Eren felt himself be pulled up into Levi’s lap, his head falling so naturally into Levi’s chest as if they were meant to always be this way.“Breathe, breathe baby,” He was soothed, back being rubbed, hair being stroked. “I got you, I got you, I’m sorry, I thought you wanted-”“I want you,” Eren hiccuped. “Anything you want, I want.”“I…” Levi stilled, eyes looking over Eren. “I want you to be happy. We don’t have to do this. I’m sorry, you’re- you’re probably in pain and I’m just- just- fuck, I don’t know, I wanted you, and I don’t really know how else to show it sometimes, and- I’m sorry.” “Stop it,” Eren whimpered, pushing himself further into Levi’s embrace, seeking his warmth and body. “Stop apologising. I don’t like it.”Levi was silent for a moment. “Why?”With his whole heart, Eren said, "You're never wrong. Stop apologising."He was expecting a witty reply, but there was nothing. It caught Eren's attention as he lifted his head, catching his lover's hard eyes. A faint blush, no doubt from their activities moments earlier, still was settled across Levi's star freckled cheeks.So instead of letting the gnawling silence grow, Eren spoke again. “You’ll stay with me?”He knew Levi was going to stay, but Eren needed to hear it.With a gentle kiss on his forehead, Levi replied, “Always.” In the morning, Eren and Levi were asleep in each other’s embrace, right where Eren felt like he belonged. His parents were woken to news of his escape, and the town had woken up to news of the death of 16 soldiers by the notorious Ackerman Gang. And a wife of a missing school teacher was woken to news that her husband’s body had been found, burned, dismembered and half-hung in the forest, months after his disappearance.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Eren’s eyes drifted to where the light gently pressed through the curtains. Sun rays illuminated Levi’s sleeping face beside him, tinting the room with a warm glow. Maybe to everyone else, Levi was a dangerous, heathen killer. But to Eren, he was just Levi. His Levi, who kissed him softly, bandaged his wounds, taught him more about the world than his family ever did. There was no killer when Eren looked at Levi. Levi was sweet, kind. He opened Eren’s eyes to the truth and the reality of the world and helped Eren feel freer than ever.
What is the difference between him and your parents?
Stop it!
Death was preferred over going back to the chains of his parents. Freedom was like a cold, ice wind on his face, waking him up, showing him sunlight and melting snow. Levi gave him that. Levi was different. Levi never hurt him, never lied, never yelled. It was love.
You don’t know what love is. You’ve never had it.
Shut up!
His head pounded with each heartbeat, distracting him from watching Levi sleep. Yesterday morning Eren had awoken with red eyes, swollen muscles, bruising feet, and spent the entire day in bed - being doted on by Hanji and Levi and Isabel, who checked up on him so often that Eren never actually was able to fall back asleep and rest. Would Armin have done the same? Historia? Sasha, Connie, Mikasa? Sometimes he still thought about them. Eren wondered if they missed him, if when they sat in class they looked to Eren’s empty seat and their hearts sank. Mikasa barely looked at Eren a few days ago when he’d returned home. She was just like how she had always been - only loving and gentle until the moment their parents were in the same room. What about Armin? Did he mourn the death of their friendship? Did Eren? No, no , Armin had to go. Eren only needed Levi, and Armin was too dangerous. He would have seen Levi in the same way everyone outside the group did, as a dangerous killer. He would have never understood their love, and never forgiven Eren for letting himself be touched by a man so tenderly.
But you never gave him the chance to understand.
Eren’s mind drifted back to Historia. Back to what could have been, what was so close to happening if Levi hadn’t saved him. Would he have been a good husband to her? Would he have grown up, taken up his role as pastor, married her and had plenty of children? Perhaps it would have turned him cold. Perhaps he’d have no idea of the real world, of what life is really like, and lived just like his father - a child beater who could never tell his children that he loved them.It made Eren shiver.Historia was pretty. She was kind. But she was not Levi, and Eren was forever grateful he avoided that fate. He would have been miserable. He’d never kissed a girl, but he was certain that kissing anyone else but Levi was awful.Did her heart hurt for him now? Did his old friends lay awake and think about if Eren was safe, believing the rumours and the lies of everyone around them? Did they really believe that Eren was trapped with some awful, heathen killers, that Eren was unable to leave, that Eren had no choice but to follow along with every little thing they said or did? Eren was happy. This was happiness. Levi was happiness. He followed Levi because he wanted to. It’s his choice. “You’re staring,” Levi mumbled, voice layered with sleep. A blush tinted Eren’s cheeks at the fact of being caught, and he held a giggle back to lean forward and press a kiss to Levi’s forehead.Levi’s arms wrapped around him, eyes open in slits as he searched for Eren’s lips. Sleep seemed to hug him, making Eren’s heart twang with guilt; he’d woken thrice in the night from nightmares of bloodied muscle, dark churches and empty forests. Each time Levi had held him, soothing him from his cries, encouraging him to drink more water to replace the tears. Today, Eren’s muscles were a little less sore. His knee was ok after Hanji added in some stitches yesterday after the bleeding had stopped - making a comment to him that she had to search high and low for good enough thread. That hurt. Eren made Levi promise that he’d never have to get stitches again. “What're you thinking about?” Levi asked, hand resting on the side of Eren’s jaw with his thumb brushing over the low bruise softly. Biting his lip, Eren shrugged slightly. “My.. old friends. How my parents wanted me to get married. How we burned down that building my dad owned. The elections that are happening next week. Everything.”“None of that’s important,” Levi said nonchalantly. “But it’s still a big thing. Like Bertholdt. Annie’s father. My father’s study. Those blueprints in the church. It seemed all so important at the time and now it’s like I’ve forgotten it all - like each day I wake up and another big thing has happened, so all the other things get a little smaller.” Levi hummed, a sigh escaping him. His eyes search Eren’s face, no doubt the clogs in his mind thinking for the right words to say. Eren’s heart lurched and panged, waiting for Levi’s reply, waiting to be told that it’s true - none of those are important - and Eren was silly for pondering over such small things whilst Levi was here. “It can be a big thing. But as long as you don’t let it consume you. If you feel like it’s too much,” Levi started. “Just think of me, baby. Nothing else has to matter. I’ll keep you safe, I’ll make sure nobody hurts you. Your parents can die and then we will finally be free. Just wait a little longer.” Eren sat back, knees on either side of Levi’s waist. Pain ached in his wounded knee, but he’d become numb to it over the past day.“Everything…” Levi’s finger trailed Eren’s thigh as he continued to speak. “That’s happened - Bertholdt, burning down that building, Annie’s father… they’re for a reason. You can’t be safe if these things didn’t happen.”His heart twisted. Eren frowned, “But can’t we just leave? Why can’t we leave, Levi? I gave up everything. Why can’t we go now? We can- we can just kill my parents like you want, tomorrow, tonight, right now. And then go.” “There’s other things that need to happen,” Levi whispered.“What things?”“Eren,” Levi’s tone shifted, his hand resting fully on Eren’s thigh, the other sitting comfortably on Eren’s waist. “Why so many questions, baby? I thought I told you already - these aren’t important for you. What’s important is that we are together, sweetheart. That you’re mine, and I’m keeping you safe from what’s out there.” Smouldering guilt settled in him. Eren sighed, pressing his hands on Levi’s chest softly, a shrug in his shoulders as he did so. Why was he thinking about it all now? Perhaps fearing that he was going to forever lose Levi - that he was going to watch him die - made Eren worried. When that soldier had raised their gun in the forest, there was a split moment where Eren believed that it would be the last time he’d see Levi. There was so much that he didn’t know, so many things that he didn’t understand at all. Why did Bertholdt die? Why did Annie’s father die? Why are his parents involved in this asylum - why is this asylum so important to Levi - Eren didn’t understand any of it at all.“Say what you’re thinking, sweetheart,” Levi almost cooes at him.Eren’s brows furrowed, brain fogged over with flickers of shattered memories. His father yelled at him. The door was locked shut. They called him filthy. They told him he was ruined. Mikasa said something. Eren bashing on the door until his knuckles were bleeding and his throat was ripped raw. It was as everything that had happened over the past few months had started to blend, pieces of memories ripped apart and mismatched back together with older ones. Nothing made sense. Eren couldn’t even remember when Annie’s father died. Did that happen last week? Last month? Before the winter? Eren sighed, shaking his head, but then sputtering out a “I don’t know,”.
“In the morning you will be taken to the asylum where you belong, until you are no longer sick!”
Bertholdt’s head cracked open, blood spilling over the ripped muscle like a pot coming to boil. The audience’s pitched screams rung in Eren’s ears as Annie falls to her knees.
Like a swarm, the feeling of butterflies in his chest made Eren sick, and he started to nibble on his lip in an anxious fashion. The words shouted loudly in his head and Eren closed his eyes, trying hard to remember the colours of the moment - was it real? Did he dream of this? He couldn’t tell, and he couldn’t trust himself.
“Do you think being a filthy sick heathen will make you any less of my son? Do not be fooled, Eren, I will do everything to fix you… there is nothing you can do. You can go back to him, over and over, and we will keep finding you.”
In the snow lay a body, burned and ripped open. He wanted to find Levi. All he wanted was Levi.
His father’s building came crashing down, the wood aflame with fire so bright it burned to watch. Smoke stuck to his lungs, making him choke, and hid away into Levi’s chest.
It was sickening the way Eren started to panic as he ran through his memories, heart pulsing in his chest and blood gushing through his brains, making his skin hot and reddened with fear. Levi spoke to him, but the words never registered, and when Levi’s hands come to press their cool palms against Eren’s flushed cheeks the sensation is lost against the rapid thoughts in his mind. Maybe Eren knew all along what he said, and hiding away from his own reality to pretend for just a moment that everything could be okay was what his sanity needed. Or maybe these memories and voices in his brain are just like the part of some terrible and woeful play that he can’t walk away from, and none of it was real, and Eren is just a fool who cannot escape his dreams.
“He is a man. It is one of the greatest sins, Eren, to lay with a man. You are no longer pure, do you not understand?”
The halls of the church are cold and unwelcoming. They loom over him, paintings of God and Saints with judging eyes all glaring down as if they know about his sins. Eren’s cries echo through the air, falling on deaf ears.
A soldier standing between the trees. The gun is heavy in Eren’s hands. The trigger pulls far too easily.
His eyes, glazed and unfocused, shift back to Levi’s, and Eren feels his stomach sink like a rock in rapid, gloomy water. He was guided closer to Levi, his head finding the crook of Levi’s neck where everything felt safe and quiet, his arms reaching up to wrap themselves. Shoulders shook with every pathetic sob and Eren found himself almost screaming, each blink of his eyes showing memories of pain, blood, beated bones. “They- They- they think you ruined me,” Eren cried out.“Nothing about you is ruined. We’ve done nothing wrong.” “They said I don’t know you,” He hiccuped, pulling back to gaze at Levi with teary eyes, “that you’re dangerous. They said that you’re a gang member. Levi,” Eren’s voice dipped low, tone desperate, “I feel so lost, please, please tell me it’s going to be okay,” Pain moves throughout his chest, the panic restricting the air to his lungs.“Eren, you’re panicking, you’re freaking out, it’s okay,” Levi soothed, “Whatever you’re thinking, my love, it’s okay. None of it matters.”
They’ll find us, they’ll find us, they’ll find us.
I can keep going back to him but they will find us.
“Why are all my memories so messed up? ” Eren’s lips tremble, struggling to say the words stuck in his throat. He pushed through the panic as if it was a wall of crumbling rocks, “Everything hurts. My body. My head. It’s all so painful.” “You’ve gone through so much, my love,” Levi said with a sombre tone, “Sometimes it makes our memories all fuzzy, mixed up in our head. They hurt you and maybe your mind just doesn’t want you to remember it. And.. you don’t have to. You have me.” “How do you know that it’s because they hurt me, and I’m not just sick like my parents said?”“You know what they mean when they say you’re sick,” Levi’s words are slowly said, eyes falling to Eren’s lips. “I was called sick once too. There’s some things that I can’t remember, either.”His heart panged, and Eren’s word’s faltered. The rush of panicked sentences ready to leave his mouth all but disappeared at hearing Levi’s words. With furrowed brows, Eren took a deep breath, shaking his head with desperation. “You- you’re not sick.”“And neither are you, my love,” Levi’s hand moved to rest on Eren’s jaw, pressing a soft kiss to tender lips. When he pulled away, an expression of calm rested on his features. “What’s all this worrying about, baby? It’s going to be okay. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you again. And you’re never leaving my side again, aren’t you?”Eren shook his head. Levi rewarded him with a kiss.“There’s nothing wrong with you. If this was wrong,” Levi murmured, “It wouldn’t feel so good, hmm? Don’t listen to them. Don’t listen to your parents, or your God, or anyone but me. I’m the only one who is never going to hurt you. I’ll never lie to you. I love you.” Nobody else but Levi could give him this love. Not his parents or his sister, not Armin or any of his other friends. Eren felt his body tremble under Levi’s arms but there was no fear. The words of reassurance wash over him, repeating in his head over and over, as if pushing out any of the bad memories. None of it matters. None of it .“You’re the only person…” His words slow, eyes falling to Levi’s mouth. His lover's hands are warm where they touch Eren’s bare skin, resting on his thighs, making his heart skip. “...I should listen to.”Levi’s lips curl into a smirk. “That’s right, angel. So why are you letting all these other things get in your head? I’ve done everything to protect you. All these other memories aren’t important. Your friends, your family - forget about them. They don’t matter.”
Forget about them. Forget. Forget. Forget.
Eren bit his lip, nodding his head softly, ignoring the knot that sat in the back of his throat, making him feel like he needed to hurl. Levi was right. Of course he was. How silly of Eren to think about the past? It doesn’t matter. Levi was here. Levi will keep him safe.His lover leaned up, kissing his neck tenderly. “I was so proud of you when you killed that soldier. So proud.”
Proud. He was so proud of you. Levi loves you. You did the right thing.
You’re a killer. A murderer. Your parents are right. You’ve been ruined.
Eren almost squirmed, as if physically struggling against the thoughts in his head. The tears in his eyes sting. With trembling lips Eren said, “But isn’t it awful?”“They were going to hurt me,” Levi cooed, eyes gazing up at where Eren was sitting in his lap. “And you kept me safe. Didn’t you, baby? We kept each other safe.”
You can’t let anyone hurt Levi. Levi is everything. Levi is your whole world.
That soldier was just doing their job. You ended everything they ever were.
“But it’s a sin to kill-”“Shh,” Levi hushed him quickly, thumb reaching up to wipe the soft tears off Eren’s flushed cheeks. With a sigh his eyes almost roll, hand them dismissing Eren’s words.“It’s a sin to kill, a sin to kiss you, a sin to fuck you… all these silly rules, Eren. What did I just tell you? Don’t listen to your God.”His chest rose with anxiety and uncertainty, arms shakily wrapping themselves around Levi’s chest. Eren pushed himself closer into the warmth and softness, leaning his forehead against Levi’s, nibbling on his bottom lip. A blush spread across his cheeks at Levi’s vulgar language.“Just listen to you,” Eren replied. Like a reward, Levi kissed him on his cheek, his lips, his neck. He sighed into it, craving the touch. Of course Levi was right. There was no reason for Eren to become so anxious over such silly things that didn’t matter. Levi always knew what to say. The thoughts and memories in Eren’s head had already started to fade again, getting pushed to the side in favour of taking in everything Levi had to offer. His heartbeat started to calm, his body sinking into Levi’s touch as his lover’s hands cheekily touched his body. Maybe the warmth settling in his stomach was all just a distraction. But it’s what Eren needed, and he didn’t care if it was wrong. Eren just wanted to feel good. He wanted to feel safe.The sun was high and the day had begun. Bells rang downtown, signalling the start of the school day. Eren’s old friends and his sister would be sitting in that classroom on top of the hill. Perhaps they didn’t think of him at all anymore. It was more of a reason to stop thinking about them in return.“When your parents finally die,” Levi mutters. “I’ll take you to the sea. I’ll build us a small house just for us. You’ll be all mine - forever - and free. I promise you.”“I’m already all yours,” Eren muttered. Grips of panic started to loosen themselves around him, and he let Levi's hands roam his back. His shoulders fall, muscles relaxing into the feeling as Levi’s fingers knead the knots in his shoulders. They stay like that for a moment; time stilling. Levi’s lips move and press into the dip of his collarbone.“Not fully. Not until I get rid of everyone else.”Levi’s words are so quiet that Eren barely heard them. But it doesn’t matter. Hands make their way to Eren’s front, pushing down on the brim of his pants. Levi’s lips start to kiss down his chest, making Eren forget what he was even crying about before anyway.
“Eren, eat your food.”
The table is set perfectly. The plate in front of him is full to the brim with the finest meats, root vegetables and spices anyone could afford. The candles are lit, filling the room with dim light and warmth. His father is wearing priest’ clothes; he’d just come home from Church, saying that he had blessed a family’s newborn today. He had said it with such pride, as if blessing the child would prevent any harm.
It was ironic, considering the deep bruise setting in under Eren’s left eye.
“I’m not hungry.”
“I’m sure those heathen’s didn’t feed you enough. Eat.”
Eren’s brows furrow, and he shakes his head. Mikasa is sitting to his side, and she slowly rests her cutlery against the edges of the plate. “Eren, please. Mother and father made this especially for you, to welcome you home.”
“I’m not home. I want to leave.”
His father’s fist slams down on the table. “Don’t be so ungrateful. We saved you!”
“I wasn’t saved!” Eren’s voice raises. He stands up, both hands gripping the edge of the table. “You never saved me! You lied to me, you kept me away from the truth!”
A scoff leaves his father’s mouth. “And what truth do you think that is?”
“”I’m not sick,” Eren muttered. “I love him. It’s not wrong.”
His father’s face falls. There’s a shatter on the floor as the glass his mother was holding slips from his hands.
“Eren,” Mikasa starts. “What do you mean? Who is he?”
“Oh, God,” His mother’s words sputtered from her mouth, horrified. “What did he do to you?”
Eren’s body jolted awake, heartbeat throbbing in his head. The light of the morning had dimmed, leaving Eren slightly cool even under the blankets. Levi was not with him.
Where is Levi?
He blinked himself awake, pulling himself up. There was a dull, lingering ache at the base of Eren’s spine as he did so; a faint reminder of what they had done in the morning. He gulped, feeling his throat dry, his lungs feeling like they were full of freezing air. His hair - a little too long for his liking - fell over his eyes. Downstairs, Eren can hear the faint words being spoken. Looking to his left, a glass of water rested over a folded piece of paper. Eren picked up the glass, drowning the thirst, unfolding the paper with his spare hand.
Eren, I hope you rest well. If I’m not here when you wake up, don’t panic. I’m downstairs. Or I’m out with Erwin - just grabbing a few things. We have to go sort some business out tonight. If I’m out, I promise I’ll be home as soon as I can. You’re safe here. I love you.
The unease slowly rising in his throat at the thought of Levi not being next to him started to settle. Eren put the note and empty glass back on the side table. With a painful wince leaving his lips, he swung his legs off the bed, and shakily stood. His knee was still fragile. The stitches were fresh and the cut was deep; Hanji had told him it could take almost a month to properly heal. Walking was a struggle. Sex was a struggle too … A blush blooms across his cheeks. They made it work. It made Eren feel better, anyway. The hallway felt impossibly long as Eren staggered down it, hands pressing into the wall. Each step down gave him a deep, burning pain. He tried his best to keep his injured leg straight, almost waddling down, but it still had to bend. The stitches pulled at his skin and the muscle, and Eren bit his lip harshly to avoid crying out. “Is it really worth going back there? They probably have the whole neighbourhood on lockdown. A thousand guards surrounding the place.”Isabel’s voice was lathered with concern, a hint of frustration pulling through. From the angle, Eren could just make out where she stood at the end of the kitchen bench. Erwin and Farlan were on either side of her. Kenny and Hanji stood at the opposite end. Levi wasn’t there; Eren’s heart sunk.“The documents we have right now aren’t enough.” And just like that, the panic that lingered under his skin leaves. Levi’s voice was warm, calm, contempt, as if he was stating the obvious facts that nobody else seemed to remember.“We need more evidence. These two families are loved by the town. Blueprints and statements of money loaned to each other just aren’t enough.”Eren made it to the last step, and his lips split into a grin. Levi came into view. He’s leaning against the couch, dawning a dark leather jacket, arms crossed over themselves. His hair is slicked back and his brows are furrowed deep. “Well,” Kenny spoke up. “Maybe ya’ should've thought about that and got some more when the kid was showing ya’ around.” “Eren.”It took him a moment to realise that Levi simply wasn’t just saying the name of the kid Kenny referred to. His lover’s gaze lifted, eyes locked on him. Eren felt himself breathe deeply, lovesick at the sight of Levi. Pushing himself off the couch, Levi made his way over, arms reaching around Eren’s shoulders at first for a swift hug, and then moving back to rest his hands on his cheeks. His brows relax, the hardness in his expression leaving. It was replaced with a soft smile as Levi said, “Did you sleep well? Any nightmares?”
“Oh, God,” His mother’s words sputtered from her mouth, horrified. “What did he do to you?”
Eren shook his head. “No.”“Good.” Levi kissed his forehead. “You should have yelled or something, I would have carried you down the stairs. I don’t want you hurting yourself, sweetheart.”He blushed, gaze shifting to the floor. Levi’s hands now sit on his waist, shirt just a little lifted as thumbs circling the soft skin. “It’s okay-”“Enough of this,” Kenny puffs, annoyance shining through his gravelly voice. “We got work to do. Go back upstairs kid.”Levi’s face turned into a scowl, but Eren replied first, “Can I do anything?”“Ya’ no use to us so busted up. Ya’ can barely walk.” “Watch your tone,” Levi growled. His hands slid around Eren’s waist completely, pulling him against his chest. Eren’s chin rested against Levi’s sternum, and he looked up through his lashes. Levi’s heartbeat played in his ear. The vibration tingled his skin when Levi talked. The small cut above his brow from a few days ago was scabbed over, healing well. But Levi looked tired. He’d always had deep circles, but they looked worse. It was my fault. My nightmares… Eren never wanted to inconvenience Levi. He never wanted to be a burden. All Eren could ever want was Levi to need him as much as Eren needed Levi.He sighed, still gazing at Levi. “You need more documents?”“It’s none of ya’ business-”“Kenny,” This time, it was Hanji who cut him off. She glared at him; her face softened when it looked towards Levi and Eren. “Yes. We do.” Eren’s eyes shift to her. “Why? Where from?”“Remember,” Levi started, “When we snuck into your father’s office? And then when we found those blueprints in the church?”A finger comes to rest on Eren’s chin. He nodded in response.“More of that stuff, baby.”“Wasn’t it stuff about the Ackermans?”There’s a noticeable shift as the words left Eren’s mouth. He didn’t understand, though. With confusion, he looked to the others - Hanji’s eyes fell to the floor, Erwin rubbed his arms with thinly pressed lips, and Kenny was staring dead at him, hands gripping the bench.“What?” Eren asked with innocence. “Levi said he was curious to know. My dad has lots of stuff about them. That’s why we broke into my father’s office.” “Ya’ dad has a lot of stuff about them,” Kenny scuffs a laugh, shaking his head. He took a step over to Eren, head cocked to the side. “Does he talk about them? What’d he say?”Eren squirmed, pulling his arms around Levi. His lover’s hands still rest on his lower back. Eren can feel Levi squeeze him, just a little; a silent gesture that meant so much. But the unease still pricks at his skin. He shrugged his shoulders in response to Kenny’s question, and said, “Just stuff. Probably the same stuff everyone says.” “And what does everyone say, kid?”“Stop it, Kenny.” Levi’s warning was clear.Kenny’s footsteps stop. The mocking grin on his face made Eren want to turn his face into Levi and hide. He didn’t understand any of it. Kenny had always been a bit strange, but never so cold. Did Eren do something wrong? Why was everyone looking at him?In the end, Eren’s cowardice won. He hid his face in Levi’s neck, hands anxiously grabbing at the back of Levi’s shirt. He could hear Kenny scoff and start to walk away at that. The blush burns his cheeks red, and Eren squeezed his eyes shut to stop the humiliated tears.“Eren’s just trying to help, Kenny,” Erwin tried to say, but Kenny’s response was swift and harsh.“We should have never gotten involved with the kid. He almost got Farlan killed, ya’ know? Those soldiers were too damn close.”Eren bit his lip, feeling his body start to shake as his mind chanted over and over, don’t cry . Guilt settled its cloak over him, heavy and cold. He didn’t even know that Farlan had almost died. Nobody really had said anything to him once they came home. Hanji bandaged him up and after Eren had come upstairs, it was the first time since then that he came back down.“I was fine, really!” Farlan spat back. There’s a loud noise - presumably Farlan slamming the kitchen bench. “Eren’s part of us, now. We had to save him.” Levi cooed reassurances into Eren’s ear, rubbing his back. Levi was warm, and Levi’s strong embrace was the only thing stopping Eren from falling into a pitiful, embarrassing sob. He didn’t understand. He was just trying to help. He didn’t mean to run away or get caught. Eren was just scared . He got scared. Everything in his head was messed up. Levi said it wasn’t his fault. Eren won’t do it again.“Is he, Farlan?” Kenny mocked. He laughed, gravely and bellowed. “Is he fucking really? He doesn’t even know who we are! After all this damn time. He’s not even smart enough to put the pieces together.”“Shut the fuck up, Kenny!” Levi’s shout makes Eren jump a little. It’s loud, making his ears ring, and no doubt anyone who was walking past the house at that moment could hear it too. “He’s just trying to fucking help us, don’t be such an ungrateful jackass,” Levi’s voice lowered. Levi’s heartbeat where it drummed in Eren’s ears quickened just a little. “The only fucking reason we got all the documents in the first place is Eren. The only reason we knew where Mr Leonheart would be is Eren. The only reason we have hope of - of - of fucking setting things right is him, so you best watch your damn fucking mouth!” The room fell silent. A small cry escapes Eren’s lips.
They killed Annie’s father. They did, didn’t they?
Don’t be so stupid, Eren. You knew that already. You just chose to ignore it.
There’s a painful pause. Eren shoved a hand over his mouth to stifle his cries as he tried to push himself even further into Levi’s embrace. His head spun, every shake in his body pulling at his injuries. The burning feeling of everyone’s gazes locked into him made Eren want to scream. “Don’t let your emotions get the best of ya’, Levi. Just cause ya’ having the whore’s mouth around ya’ cock doesn’t mean he’s one of us and it doesn’t mean he’s important at all.”
Oh.
It’s quiet. Isabel gasped. Eren felt his face burn.
Whore. Is that what I am?
Levi was still. “Fucking hell, Kenny, you- you- Jesus Christ, you don’t have to say that,” Hanji spits out. Her footsteps are solid, making their way over. Eren can’t see her - face pressed into Levi’s shoulder - but he hears her sigh. Her hand came to rest on Eren’s back. “L-Listen. Kenny’s just in a bad mood. Don’t take what he says to heart right now, it’s been a difficult few days.”“We’ve all had a difficult few days. Kenny better get the fuck out of my sight before I cut his tongue out.”Levi’s words were sharp. Eren whimpered, heart fluttering, and Levi’s firm grip only tightened. Not painfully - the pressure felt relaxing. With the back of his hand, Eren wiped the tears off his cheeks. Part of him wanted Kenny to apologise. Part of him wanted Levi to walk over and beat the life out of Kenny’s eyes. How fucking embarrasing was all of it. Eren just wanted to help . Actually, all Eren wanted to do was go downstairs to see if Levi was still home, because he loved Levi, he wanted to be around Levi all the time. And yes, they had sex. Eren loved sex. He didn’t understand why he had to be called a whore in front of the entire group. He didn’t understand why Kenny was angry, he didn’t understand why he was called stupid and told that he wasn’t important at all.
Maybe it’s all true. You’re not important to anyone. Your friends have all left. Your family hates you. And you make Levi soft. That’s what Kenny had said when you came home. You make him soft and you make him vulnerable.
“We all heard ya! I’m telling ya’ the truth-”“I told you -” Levi’s voice was ice cold and it rose, but not to a shout. “- to get the fuck out of my sight before I cut your fucking useless tongue out of your throat and I wasn’t damn joking.” Kenny scoffed again.Levi continued, and Eren could picture the expression on his face - brows deeply furrowed, those lips Eren loved so much turned up into a mocking smirk. With a huff, Levi said, “Maybe I’m the one who likes having my mouth around Eren’s cock.”Eren feels his head swirl with lovesickness. That’s right. You love me. “And maybe,” Levi laughs without humour, “I am imagining all the damn ways I could kill you. You call Eren a whore again, and I’ll rip your teeth out one by one. You say he’s stupid again, and I’ll pour you in gasoline and drop a matchstick on you. If you say, or imply, or even fucking think about Eren in a way that I find to be rude or cruel or mean I will tie you down in the basement. I will cut you open but only shallowly so all the nerves are exposed and you wither in pain. I will burn you, I will stab your damn eyes out, and then I will cut off your jaw so Eren will never have to listen to your sickening words ever again.” Hearing Levi talk so violently - hearing all the things Eren knew Levi was capable of - shouldn’t make his thighs shake, his abdomen grow warm, his heart race. But it did. Eren tried to hide his smile, but he loved it. Tell them , Eren thought to himself. Tell them how much I mean to you. I’d kill for you. I killed for you before. You’d do the same for me. You need me. Tell them that. “Eren is mine . He is mine, and he is staying, and I don’t give a damn what you think about it because this isn’t your fucking choice.” For the first time in a while, Eren lifted his head. His face is flushed, tears having made his lashes stick together and his eyes a little bloodshot. I love you. I love you, he thought, gazing up at Levi. His lover’s eyes flicker to him, and Levi softened. “No doubt ya’ just scared the shit out of the kid! Go ahead, rip my tongue out and Eren will go crying back home to his mommy and daddy!” Kenny’s attempt at retailating is futile, because Eren can barely focus on anything else except the freckles on Levi’s cheeks, the feeling of his chest rising and falling against Eren’s, and the shape of Levi’s lips.Erwin walked over to where Kenny stood, and patted his back. He then shook his head, and said with a heavy sigh. “Take a walk, Kenny, fucking hell. Get out of here. Apologise when you get back.” “I don’t need to apologise!”“Yes!” Isabel said with frustration, throwing her hands up. “You do! Just get out of here, man, burn off some steam. Fuck off for a while!” Levi’s eyes have rested on Eren. He went to loosen his grip, to step back - but Eren pulled him back closer, rocking onto the balls of his feet. A door slams somewhere, no doubt Kenny taking the advice and leaving for a while. The heavy sound made Eren flinch; Levi’s expression faltered for just a moment, his hand coming to rest on Eren’s cheek.The touch was so gentle. Levi would never hurt Eren. Levi would kill for Eren. That must be love, right? Love was when you go to the end of the world for each other. His words to Kenny were proof that Levi needed Eren as much as Eren needed Levi.It was as if a million butterflies began to fly. It made him feel almost dizzy - this overwhelming feeling of, Oh my god, I really do love you. I’d do anything for you. I’d die for you. “I love you,” Eren muttered. Levi’s answer was surprisingly small, spoken so softly. “Yeah?” His brows raise, lips parting just a little. His eyes glistened, as if he thought that maybe Kenny was right. He’d scared Eren off, made him afraid, made him want to run away.“Anything you want from me,” Eren started. “It’s all yours. What you want - I want. If I can help… please. I’ll ruin myself over and over for you.”The others seem to give them space, excusing themselves to the backyard, and leave through the kitchen door. The house was quiet again. It’s just them. Eren and Levi, as it should be. “You’re not ruined,” Levi frowned. “Your parents only said that to hurt you.”“But maybe I am. It’s okay. If it’s with you, it’s okay.” Levi’s lips pressed together. He paused, hesitating before he said, “I didn’t scare you? What… what I said. Fuck… he made me so fucking angry, sweetheart. I don’t know why he’s like this.” Eren shook his head. He leaned in, kissing Levi softly. "You don't scare me. Ever." “I meant every word,” Levi’s hand moved to rest on the back of Eren’s head. “I want to kill everyone that ever hurt you. I- I want- I want to take you away, keep you all to myself. I don’t know why. I’ve never felt like this before.”“You love me.”“I love you,” Levi said. The kiss that followed was soft, sweet, gentle. Levi’s touch was light on his skin, shakily cupping Eren’s face in his hands. It was delicate. For a moment, it was as if Levi was fragile.They pull away, foreheads coming to rest together. Eren spoke first. “You said there was business tonight. I want to help.”“You can’t walk far. My love, it’s okay, stay here and rest.”“I don’t want to be a burden,” Eren persisted. Levi frowned. He moved in again to press kisses to Eren’s cheeks. It’s then that Eren’s stomach rumbled, loud enough to make both of them laugh quietly. His lover’s hands move down to his thighs, and with ease Eren is picked up off the floor.“Eat first. We’ll discuss business later.”