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Shisui took a sudden pause from their frantic dash through the trees, a determined glint in his eyes as he took the opportunity to Shunshin to his cousin’s side, hand reaching forward.“Itachi… what..?” Shisui gripped Itachi’s shoulder and forcibly stopped him, hauling them both down to the ground as gently as he was able and fixed a single Sharingan-red eye on the younger man. So much had happened that day, that night, that it had taken him much too long to process things enough to even question what the ever-loving hell had happened. However, it did speak for his level of trust in his cousin, as well. Even so, he still didn’t know where to start, “What is going on? I… are you hurt? What— what did you do? Why are we running? My eye — how..? Danzō? The-the foundation?”A face much too old, too tired, too… bereaved, yet reservedly fond in the same way it had been for years gazed back at him, unable to meet his eyes. A familiar stranger.Reflecting the too prominent strained lines on his face, a voice too deep, too haggard and husky for someone so young, replied, a taint of blood and death on his breath , “…I— I cannot, Shisui, do not ask this of me. Not-not until it is safe for you in Konoha. Do not force me to lie to you. Do not force me to make you forget.”His voice trembled. Trembled. Shisui didn’t want to think too hard into what could have made Itachi break in such a way. There was no other way Shisui could have begun to describe it. At some point, all the fragilities, the tender spaces, in his dear friend had shattered; sometime when he wasn’t looking, and no one was there to pick up the pieces, to soothe the jagged edges. Shisui, busy, perhaps willingly blind, Sasuke too young, his parents too caught up in their troubles… They had failed him, and Shisui had to make it right, regardless of what Itachi seemed to believe of his own actions. There was little that Itachi could do that would turn him away. It kind of hurt to think that the young man didn’t seem to believe that. That he could think so poorly of himself, of their bond. Of him. Shisui refused to even consider that Itachi had, in fact, done something unforgivable. He simply wasn’t that type of person.“Itachi…” Shisui sighed, and bit his lip when he saw the expression on Itachi’s face, deciding against pushing the issue, for just then. He’d just have to do his best to help, without knowing anything, beyond what he could read off the familiar stranger’s face.“… all right, ‘tachi. Just… please. Are you… are you injured? Surely we’re far enough away for me to look you over?” Shisui pressed all the concern and hurt he could into his tone, refusing to feel guilty at his tactics as he resisted the urge to rub his still-throbbing eye. The eye that Itachi had re-implanted not half an hour ago.* * * * * * * *He had lost time earlier that night, waking up in a cave with Itachi by his side. It was some time after falling into the water, impact shocking his body like a block of ice. (In another world, another time, Shisui had given a final, parting gift to Itachi before falling to his death. Itachi had refused to allow it, not again.)His right eye had been aching when he had bolted into consciousness, but was most definitely there behind the careful wrapping around his head. Itachi was hovering above him, yet unable to meet his uncovered eye. Things had been… odd with Itachi for the past week; he had been even more reclusive than normal. He’d just surmounted it to the tough situation they’d found themselves in, with the coup, and that it could wait for a more opportune time, that they could talk about it later. Evidently, that had been a mistake. Itachi had an expression he’d wished to never see on his face, his body language defeated and weary.Itachi passed him a water skin after he was certain Shisui was able to sit up on his own before he spoke. Or attempted to. A violent cough echoed through the cavernous space as Itachi turned away, taking a moment before he spoke again in a deep, raspy tone ,”We have to go, as soon as you’re able. You need to finish healing, but… it’s not safe here”. Shisui was uncertain if he was imagining the faint scent of blood in the air, if it was just something still lingering in his nose from his confrontation with Danzō and the foundation.* * * * * * * *Itachi looked away, seeming hesitant, before rasping, “I will manage. They only scraped me. I need rest, but no more than you do. There’s a place we can hide out for a while not too far from here, abandoned by Orochimaru long ago. It still has protections that will serve us well once I get us past them…”“…I don’t like this, Itachi. You should know you can confide in me by now, surely. I won’t press, but you shouldn’t ever doubt that I’ll always be here for you, on your side. You know that, surely, especially with what’s been going on recently. I hate to see you hurting like this… I hate that you think you have to hide from me, that you’ve been hiding for weeks, if not longer. Let me help you”, Shisui responded in a rushed breath, pained. As always, the words Let me love you remained almost reluctantly unsaid, a painful lump in his throat.If anything, Itachi looked even more broken and… guilty by that admission, his bloodshot eyes looking even less focused than they had been the entire all-too-hectic night.“No questions, no lies, Shisui”, was all that he managed to reply, his eyes moist to accompany his broken tone.
Damn you. Damn you, Itachi, and damn your martyr complex. You’re killing yourself, I know it. Damn your parents, for forcing your pacifistic ass into Anbu. Damn this world for being so unfair, for not allowing someone so inherently pure and wonderful, someone with so much to give, to live without tarnishing his hands and soul. Without being forced into hating himself for what he’d had to do. Damn me for not noticing and helping sooner. Damn it all.
Shisui fought back the words from surfacing, fingers digging into Itachi’s shoulder unkindly, before he forced a nod. Something about Itachi’s almost-amused huff, the most he’d seemed like himself in much too long, told him that the younger man had picked up on at least some of the things that went unsaid. (Shisui wouldn’t have been surprised if he had. For all his lack of social grace, at times, Itachi was still a genius, and they had had at least one or two conversations of a similar nature in the past.)“Lead the way”, Shisui finally managed, giving up on meeting Itachi’s gaze in the silence. Whatever was going on, whatever had happened, he’d help Itachi. He wouldn’t allow the man he loved resign himself to his self-loathing, to his belief that others hating him was inevitable. Shisui was making a tactical retreat on the issue, though he would never give up. He’d just have to combine his years of reading Itachi with his experience with his ability to subtly needle Fugaku into spilling sensitive information. Shisui was determined. He would bring back Itachi from the precipice of no return he was wavering on, regardless of whether it was on purpose.* * * * * * * *Shisui had been in this abandoned lab for… a week and a half, he supposed. For all that Itachi had claimed to need rest, he had disappeared that first morning, some time before he’d woken up. Needless to say, that really put a damper on his plans to figure out what the damn hell was going on, how Itachi was holding up, what with his concerning cough.That period of time had been filled with high amounts of stress, anxiety and concern. Itachi had left him supplies, and a brief note to stay put as he ‘needed to take care of some urgent business’ and ‘there was no need to worry’ and he’d ‘be back as soon as he was able’. Even so, even having no clue where Itachi could have gone, that the grotty lab was the most likely place for them to intersect again, he was getting restless in his urge to leave. Shisui was ready to tear his hair out, and just fucking bolt in search for his wayward cousin. In fact, he was making his way out of the hideout when he spotted the limping, battered Itachi.He inhaled sharply, dropping everything before he Shunshined Itachi inside, carefully manoeuvring him onto the only bed that was in a passable state as he looked the younger man over.Itachi was… unwell would be the understatement of the century. Shisui felt numb as he tried to figure out the best course of action, fingers already shining with the green of healing chakra. While hardly the most skilled, Shisui had very good chakra control, as was a necessary for his mastery of the Shunshin, and he was able to substitute for a field medic, in a pinch.It had been touch-and-go for far too long as Shisui worked, Itachi fading in and out of consciousness. For his poor condition, Shisui found it very concerning that he could trace little back little of the damage to any external injuries. He had to hope that it was simply his lack of experience that prevented him from determining the cause of the internal damage, the blood building up in both lungs, despite no apparent evidence of a puncture, the damage to his kidneys and liver.Shisui had been wiping the bloody tear-like streaks caked on Itachi’s face with a gentle hand when he finally awoke, after hours of too-hesitant chakra manipulated healing.“Oh, thank the Sage. Itachi, you’ve worried me sick. Haven’t I told you not to vanish on me..? I’ve had over a week to think all this over… nothing to do but think, really. And I still don’t understand what you think could be so horrible that you decided to avoid me to hide it. I would never turn my back on you, I swear it. I lo— You mean the world to me, you’re family. I just want you to heal. You’ve been hurt, and I don’t know why or how, but I’ll make it better.”Itachi seemed overwhelmed, and strangely pained at the barrage of words, as if they were poised to cut and maim, rather than reassure. Disoriented from just waking up, he hesitated for several beats too long, long enough that Shisui finally had hope for the first time in over a week that things would truly be okay, that Itachi would open up, let him help. They weren’t, though. Itachi clammed up the moment he realised they’d made eye contact and he flinched away, like a kicked puppy.He stiffly sat up, reaching into his tattered robes, as-if to retrieve something, “Before anything else, it is safe to return to Konoha, now. However, perhaps, more importantly, I… I am so, so sorry, Shisui. No questions, n—““Damn you, Itachi, damn you!” Shisui snarled, tears of irrational anger burning down his face as he made to box Itachi in the ear, only to stare in stunned, pained disbelief as the man he loved dispersed into a flock of crows, leaving behind only a scroll, and a whisper of I’m sorry. Not even a vague imprint of his chakra remained in the air. It felt like goodbye, like I’ve done what I need to, and now I’m ready to die. It felt like a ‘don’t look for me’, it felt like a betrayal of trust. It was a visceral, indescribable pain.An inhuman noise tore its way from Shisui’s chest as he collapsed on the bedding that would forever be stained by Itachi’s sweat and blood, unable to do or feel anything beyond the painfearangerdesperation.* * * * * * * *It was probably hours later that Shisui finally hauled himself into a sitting position, though it had felt like an immeasurable eternity. He was stiff and sore, face sticky and sore from crying, eyes burning from a Mangekyō he wasn’t able to de-activate. He tore at his own hair, hoping the stabbing pain would distract from the ache in his soul, and forced his attention onto the scroll, laying deceptively innocent, now on the floor.Shisui hesitated for a few moments, biting his lower lip raw, before he lifted the scroll, rolling it open. A familiar seal greeted him, and a pang, somehow deeper and more painful than the pervasive ache, struck him. He brought a thumb up to his raw, sluggishly bleeding lip, and smudged it onto the base of the seal, speaking in a broken, stuffed up tone, wavering, “No questions, no lies.”The familiar feeling of Itachi’s chakra caressed him for a moment before vanishing, leaving him with a sheaf of papers, neatly bound, and another, smaller, yet more intricate seal that he didn’t recognise. Setting it aside, after a cursory glance, he turned his gaze to familiar, if rushed, handwriting. He felt himself go strangely numb the further he read, starting to shed tears he’d thought he no longer had.
Shisui. Shi-nii… Shi-chan…
I hope you find this legible, as my sight has been fading as quickly as my health, as of late.
Oh, Sage. I do not know where to start. Much as I hope my letter finds you well, that you will not despair over one as undeserving as I, I know better than to hope. And for that, I am sincerely sorry. I am so very sorry, for so many things. Alas, I am too much of a coward, too selfish, too tired, too torn, to have the strength to face you as I share the deepest trenches where my soul used to reside.
Until then, please, allow me one last bit of completely unfair, harmful selfishness. Much as someone as you is undeserving of my taint, I love you. I love you more than the air that is a struggle to breathe.
I still love you, even though I shouldn’t be permitted, after all I’ve done. I no longer deserve to, and yet. And yet. I loved you ever since we were small children, though I suppose it was different, back then. You were ‘just’ family. ‘Just’ my big brother. You did so much for me. You not only put the effort forward to understand, but you actually did.
It meant the world to me, back then, when I could not express myself to save my life. It still does, now, no matter how needlessly difficult it had made the past few weeks, hiding my darkness from you.
Time passes for all of us, however, and, well, over the years, you grew to mean so very much more to me. I think I realised that night, on the roof, under the stars… I am still deeply mournful I was unable to tell you before I was no longer worthy of earning your love.
Before I delve into the brunt of this retelling, please know, none of the blame is with you. It is my choices, and the choices of people beyond our control that have led to this. Nonetheless, I have done things that are unforgivable, and I wish not to taint anybody else with. I know that you’d try to forgive me, spin my actions in a way they are redeemable, but I know better. I don’t want for you to taint yourself, your morals, your soul, with forgiving such a creature as I. You were my heart once, and I do not wish to force you down such a dark path.
I must be cruel once more here, my heart. Please care for Sasuke, like you once did for me. With my actions over the past month, he will be having a very tough time.
The brief of it, well. I am from the future. One where I did many unforgivable things. One where I massacred our entire clan, save Sasuke, after you fell down that cliff, eyeless, and drowned. One where I forced my brother into madness to gain enough strength to kill me in revenge for his actions, to end my guilty existence.
I will not try to excuse or explain myself, explain what happened, as I know it, lest I manage to make you see myself and my actions in a brighter light than they deserve. I have sealed my most important memories of the years that should never again come to pass in that scroll. You can activate it the same way you did my storage seal.
It contains memories of our clan, of my time as a missing-nin with a rebel group, of the upcoming war. I have dealt with Madara, and delayed Zetsu’s plans to the best of my abilities, so you have time. Once again, I am sorry to push this on your shoulders, dear heart, for I am cruel. You are the only I can trust to take action. Please, don’t make the same mistakes as I. Don’t go it alone. I’m sure you’ll be able to rally the people to prevent the darkness of the future. You could always achieve anything you set your mind to.
Ever since I had returned, into my younger body, around a month ago (I am still uncertain as to how it happened. One moment, I was dying to Sasuke’s hands, the next, waking up in the compound), I put forward my best efforts in an attempt to even slightly redeem myself, to prevent the darkest happenings of the future in any way I can. Danzō is dead, as are my father and many of our elders. The details of what occurred since my return are also enclosed in the seal.
As I’m sure you’ve been picking up on, I have not been completely well for some time. At this age, I already had the early signs of my illness, though I was not aware of it, at the time. The deterioration seems to be occurring faster in this timeline, than originally. My organs are under strain, my eyes failing, both from illness and Mangekyō use.
Even if I were not tainted beyond saving, beyond redemption, I would not want others to see me like this, make them suffer for me as my body shuts down. If I were not a minder unto this world, I would wish for people to remember the good times. As it is, I would rather they did not remember me at all.
Much as I acknowledge what I am doing to you is unforgivably cruel, I hope you can begin to understand my reasons. Please be well. Continue to be happy and smile. You only deserve the very best things in this world.
I have left to die, Shisui, do not search for me. I do not deserve your forgiveness, I do not deserve healing. Please. Move on from this, be at peace. That is the best thing you could ever do for me, dear heart.
With all my sincerest apologies and remaining soul,
Itachi
* * * * * * * *
It had been just a fortnight since Itachi had vanished, and plans were very well underway for the future, based on the memories Itachi had left. After all, a determined Shisui was a productive Shisui, scarily so. Many of the pitfalls of Itachi’s future-past were unlikely to occur, with all their contingency plans, upon contingency plans. It doubtlessly helped that many of the key players were dead, or had changed allegiance.Many, including Shisui, himself, were angry with Itachi, but not for the reason the man himself likely thought. Shisui was so very inexplicably hurt by Itachi’s choice to leave, much as he understood it, in a way. He hated the fact that the man had been so hurt, so consumed by the family madness by the time he’d returned, that he no longer put any stock in himself, causing him to push everyone who cared about him away, feeling undeserving; unthinking of the harm he was doing to those that found him dear. There would be much to talk through, much to heal, the both of them, but for all his hurt, Shisui couldn’t blame Itachi. And he found it even more painful that the young man had thought his actions irredeemable and unforgivable, considering his forced hand, and less-than-sane mental state at the time of many of these choices. He just wanted to wrap up the man in a stifling hug, and never let him go. It ached. He refused to think about the possibility of Itachi already being gone, of it being too late. He hoped that Itachi felt the need to resolve more things before death caught up with him, that he hadn’t killed himself, or just lain down somewhere to die.Shisui had managed to convince Tsunade to return, for all she claimed it was temporary. Hiruzen was hoping to convince her to take over the hat, but that was hardly Shisui’s main concern — she had agreed she’d tend to Itachi, if— when they found him. While she couldn’t promise anything, due to the unreliable nature of the details Shisui had told her, she was convinced she could reverse most, if not all of the damage, if it hadn’t tipped over to the point of no return.He had gathered the best tracking teams in Konoha, and they were finally ready to depart. Each person had a Hiraishin seal, and access to a messenger summon so that Shisui and Tsunade could appear on location as soon as Itachi was found, and get him stabilised, and to Konoha as soon as possible.Hiruzen had felt a great deal of guilt over the Uchiha, and Itachi’s fate, specifically, both in the man’s original timeline, and this time around, which allowed Shisui to press a lot more than he would have been able to otherwise, considering the differences in their station. Namely, this allowed him access to the forbidden scroll of the village, allowing him to learn the Flying Thunder God Technique.And here they were, setting out, two weeks after he’d last seen Itachi, the moment the situation was stabilised and he felt confident enough in his new jutsu. Much as he had been antsy to leave in pursuit immediately, he knew his frantic searching would have done little good without any ability to help Itachi, or bring him back safely. Shunshin was amazingly useful, but it could cover only so much distance, and was very rough on passengers. Not to mention that his healing ability would only go so far.Shisui was determined, hopeful as he watched the teams quickly advancing through the forest. There was no way the greatest trackers in Konoha, supported by Jiraiya’s lauded spy network, would be unable to find Itachi. If he was still out there, he’d be brought back, no doubt about it.
If. Oh Sage. No, no, no, he had to still be alive, right? Such a bright flame couldn’t go out without any noticeable change to the world, surely. He had to still be alive.
…right..?
Shisui startled as a gentle hand was rested on his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. Tsunade didn’t offer empty platitudes, but her steady presence helped settle his spirit. He wouldn’t allow himself to wallow in despair at what if. He had to have hope, especially when Itachi didn’t.* * * * * * * *The next time Shisui saw Itachi, he was… in surprisingly good shape, considering his state the last time he’d seen the man, though he was much too pale.According to Kakashi, Itachi seemed to have been in the middle of tracking someone, who he’d later found out was Black Zetsu, before he found himself restrained by Konoha-nin. While initially panicked, and intent on escaping, Kakashi ended up talking him down, after he had convinced his team to leave them to chat.While not as close as Shisui and Itachi, Kakashi had played an important role in Itachi’s life after he’d entered Anbu, as he’d been the young Uchiha’s commanding officer. Being similar in many ways had helped them bond.In the time that it took for Kakashi’s ninken to deliver the go-ahead to Shisui, Kakashi described what had been happening ever since ‘his little vanishing act’, and started to explain why Itachi was wrong to believe he was unforgivable and irredeemable for his actions.While Itachi was visibly reluctant to agree with Kakashi’s words, he was listening, and it was oddly plain to see that he was starting to take the words to heart. Kakashi had imagined it helped that he, himself, was notoriously allergic to feelings and speaking honestly, and that he’d shared some of his own deep wounds and failings.
My actions aren’t unforgivable, according to you. Your situation isn’t much different than mine. What makes you so tainted? Learn to forgive yourself, kid.
Itachi had leapt to his feet the moment he felt Shisui’s chakra signature, seemingly uncertain for a moment whether he wanted to bolt away from, or towards Shisui. His innate impulse, built over many years took over, however, and he Shunshined straight into his cousin, following him in his fall to the ground.He clung tightly to the feeling of warmth, safety, home, for the first time in a long time not pausing to question if he deserved it. Silent tears trailed down Itachi’s face as his half-blind eyes met Shisui’s, willingly, for the first time since he’d returned from the future, “I— I’m so very sorry, Shisui. I have caused you so much —““Oh, shut the fuck up, you utter dingbat”, Shisui near-sobbed into Itachi’s shoulder. “I can’t believe you thought, for a moment, you didn’t deserve me, that you deserved to die in a ditch somewhere. I fucking love you, too! Did my feelings not matter in this..? If you dared die, I’d have found a way to bring you back, just to kill you myself. You… you…. I’m so happy and relieved you’re okay… I just… you… we have a lot to talk about, but please. You deserve to live, and heal. Please, at least, try for me, even if you don’t think you deserve it for yourself yet.”Itachi shifted the sniffling Shisui so that the man was positioned in his lap, happy to note that Kakashi and Tsunade had chosen to give them some privacy. He paused, looking at Shisui’s face, and, once he was certain of his welcome, kissed the corner of the other man’s mouth, before pressing their foreheads together.“For you, anything. I have not been in my right mind for a long time now, as you probably know by now. But, after a long conversation with Kakashi, and some searching within myself, I know I should trust in you, if nothing else. I should have, from the start. If you believe I’m worth saving, I will try my hardest. I love you, and you are my heart. You have been for a very long time. I will endeavour to never hurt you again in this way that I have. I pushed you away for one of the things I love most about you, and for that, I will do my best to earn your forgiveness.”Tsunade, Kakashi, and the rest of the tracking group found the two half an hour later, exchanging soft words and gentle kisses, reluctant to be more than an inch apart at any given moment. They were already starting to heal, as they affirmed themselves, their relationship, in one another, though it would take time for the cracks in their souls to be sealed with gold, making something different, yet just as beautiful as it once was.
Together.