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Things have been hard.
I was lonely.
It wasn’t supposed to mean anything.
You weren’t here.
She had all these words – excuses – constructed in her mind for the day he finally learns the truth, only to swallow and wash them with painstaking guilt at the sight of his broken face from her monitor screen.It was the hardest things she has ever had to done, breaking the heart of the one person who truly loved her and taking away the excited smile from his face just at the fact he got the chance to talk to her through Skype. But that’s the thing, it isn’t supposed to be this way. He is not supposed to be content with just a few hours (sometimes just one) of online chatting – where the only way they could touch each other was from their laptop screens and even that, they’re not literally touching. He is supposed to be here with her, where he can hold her close and tuck her safe in his arms. He is supposed to here, where she could wake up to his kisses every morning and fall asleep by his side every night. He is supposed to be here, together with her.The next few moments of silence feel like death. She wants to click the small red icon and end their misery. She wants to switch off her laptop and smash it against the wall. She wants to erase the image of his crushed face from her memory. She wants to take it all back. She wants to tell him that is just a whole fucking evil joke that her dry sense of humor came up with for awful reasons.Because she is an awful person. Probably the worst kind he has ever met.But she couldn’t. Because even when she knows that it is her fault that the relationship they have built for many years has come to an end, she can’t bring herself to pull away from him. Not yet, not ever. She still wants to cling on to him – to every possible tiniest hope they might still have.“How long?”She almost jumps in shock at his sudden, quiet voice. He had remained silent for so long, she thought he might’ve lost the ability to speak. She had expected him to leave without a word and she wouldn’t hold it against him. He has the right to, he has every right.“Soojin – “ it comes out as a soft whisper and it was all it took to break her into tears. He should be shouting at her, yelling profanities that she deserves and hurling insults that would hurt her feelings just like what she had done to him. She doesn’t deserve this.“Do you love him?”She is quick to shake her head, as hard and fast as she could. Because it is true – she never did love him, not in the way she loves Minho. Never in the same way. It was just a fling, if she had to put a label on it. A stupid, short fling that meant absolutely nothing yet is strong enough to destroy the one thing that is meaningful to her.“Okay,” he says quietly and lowers his head. She looks at the screen through glistened eyes. She thinks that he may be crying but he just doesn’t want her to know. He remains in that position for a while and she just sit there looking at him, waiting for the other shoe to drop. He wouldn’t forgive her, and she won’t let him. He shouldn’t.He only deserves the best and that is not her.But that won’t change the way she feels about him. She can never imagine possibly loving someone else the way she loves him. She did a stupid mistake and it is on her that she just lost the greatest love of her life.He finally lifts his face to meet her eyes again. His are red now, yet the tears have dried. He nods absentmindedly at her and crosses his fingers together so hard she notices them turning white. His next few words take her by surprise.“We’ll talk again soon. We are both just really tired and we just need the time to think. We will talk.”He doesn’t wait for her to respond. She simply stares in disbelief at her laptop screen as the chat screen shuts off. She was really expecting for him to break things off and telling her that he never wants to hear from her ever again.She wonders then, where does that leave them? She got her answer a few weeks later. Finals are around the corner and she had been staying out late every day studying at the library till late night. Her roommate had chosen to return home for study week and is only coming back a day before examinations commence so she is usually left alone. Elkie had been worried about leaving her by herself, but she had managed to convince the sweet girl she will be fine on her own. She also knew about how Soojin is beating herself up over her apparent break up and was concerned that she would resort to questionable coping methods. She simply brushed the matter off with a weak laugh.“I swear you overthink the worst of situations. I’ll be okay, Elkie. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll send a photo of myself every day to show you that I am still alive, okay?”Which she had forgotten to do so today, after being so caught up with one of the tougher papers. Soojin quickly fishes her phone out of her bag and snap a quick, tired photo of her.Sorry if I made you worry! she types in a hurry as she slowly walks back to her dorm, with her eyes fixed on the phone screen. I was too busy studying but I’m okay! See you tomorrow!Due to her distraction, she almost bumps into the person who is standing in front of her, but thankfully he managed to grab hold of her in time.“Sorry – “ she begins and looks up at the person she was about to knock over. But the color drains from her face and her voice is caught in her throat as soon as she meets the familiar pair of warm eyes. Minho is standing there, in flesh and blood, looking down at her with an amused smile on his face. The hands that are holding onto her shoulders slowly pull her into a long, overdue embrace.She remains stiff in his arms, too shock to register what is happening and by the fact that he had really flown across oceans and continents to be standing there with her by her old dorm door, in the same time-zone and cold autumn air. He still smells the same even after all these times of being apart, that familiar scent of mint aftershave and for a moment she forgot that he had ever left. She even almost forgot about the incident that destroyed them and as soon as she remembers, she is quick to break away and pushes him as though it was wrong for them to be in any intimacy.She watches guiltily as his arms drop to his sides awkwardly, before shoving his hands into his front pockets. For a moment, they simply stand there in silence, each gauging the other’s thoughts and feelings as they desperately search for the right words to say.“I’ll start,” he finally says after a while and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. “I’m sorry for springing on you like this. I contemplated whether I should tell you that I’m coming but I figured – “ his voice trails off for a second, before he clears his throat and continues again. “ – it’s best that I come back so that we can talk about it and resolve things between us.”“Minho – “He holds up a hand to stop her and says, “Not here though. Is there some place else that we can sit down and talk?” So, she brings him to the only café that is open for 24 hours. He ordered a hot chocolate for her and an Americano for himself before they settled down on the farthest booth in the relatively small shop. She drums her fingers lightly on the table while her drink remains untouched. Minho, on the other hand, had taken a few nervous sips as he arranges the words in his head.“Soojin,” he begins softly and leans forward in his seat. It appears as though he is making a move for her hand but changes his mind at the last minute and instead chooses to let his hand linger on the table. He takes in a deep breath. “This is not easy for me, but I just really want to be honest with you.”She holds her own, bracing herself for the wave of pain that is about to come.“I would be lying if I said you didn’t hurt me, because you did – and it really, fucking hurt.”She bites on her bottom lip to stop the choking sound that is threatening to come out.“I spent days trying to wrap my mind around it. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else, especially my studies so I had to take the semester off.” He distractedly traces a finger around the rim of his cup, perhaps as a way of avoiding directly looking at her. “I was trying to understand why you did that. Why you would risk throwing everything that we’ve built all these years just for a fling.” It sounds as if he spat the last word out and she couldn’t blame him.“But I guess I finally understood,” he says with a sigh and finally looks up to meet her gaze. “I just never realized or cared enough to take you seriously every time you tell me how much you missed me that sometimes you felt like dying inside. And for that, I am terribly sorry. I should’ve been a better partner. I should’ve been more sensitive to your feelings. I should’ve realized just how badly you needed me to be here with you. And it wasn’t fair of me to ask you for two more years when we only agreed for three initially. I am so sorry, Soojin.”Her head is spinning with all his apologies. It feels like he really did finally understand her and her loneliness, even though nothing justifies her cheating.“No,” her voice cracks after trying to hold back her words and tears for so long. “It still doesn’t excuse what I did to you. Nothing will.”He reaches out for her hand and squeezes it tightly. “But you chose to be honest and tell me, instead of leaving me in the dark. And that is okay enough for me to forgive you for it and move on with our lives. Together.”She shakes her head adamantly. “But I can’t let you do that – “He interrupts her gently, “I asked if you loved him and you said no and honestly, that is all I need. Physical cheating is still a pain in the ass,” he laughs a little. “But I feel like if you had felt even the slightest thing for him – it would’ve killed me. So, we’re okay.”“Minho – ““Soojin, we are. I love you and I want to be with you. That is all you need to know. And that I have put in my transfer request to complete my final year here at a local university that is tied with them, so all’s good. Just like we are.”She doesn’t know what else to say. For so many times in her life, Minho had rendered her speechless but this one takes the cake. Her heart is swelling with so much love for this amazing man who is sitting in the booth across from her. He forgives her when she least deserves it. He understands her pain when she doesn’t expect him to anymore. And most importantly, he made the biggest sacrifice by returning home just so they wouldn’t spend any more time apart and they can finally be together.She gives him a small smile and he returns it with a grin. Perhaps he’s right.Maybe, they will really be okay.