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It could have been said that it was a normal day before they turned up. Well, normal is a stretch because it is an apocalypse, but that’s actually what makes the day normal now. I can’t remember what it used to be like before all of the chaos, it’s like a whole other life, even with it being eight years long. I guess this is why it can feel so good to come across someone that you used to know. For one, you know that they are still alive, and it can be a strange sense of relief for something to go back to the way it was. Back to when it was safe. Or safer, at least.I have spent so long trying not to get attached to that relief, because it rarely ever comes anymore. All of us have to get used to the fact that the faces in this world will come and go, and that is the usual now. But that doesn’t mean that we will never feel that way again, even if the moments are few and far between.And there I was, sitting in my usual dorm of Ericson’s Boarding School for Troubled Youth, babbling depressing things to myself. Again. I hadn’t even realised that I had walked the circumference of the dorm at least fourteen times, and that’s one of the many ways that I can tell that I have too much free time on my hands these days. Whenever I have a spare hour or minute or hell, even a second, I suddenly become swarmed with a thousand thoughts being poured into my brain and each thought is a droplet of rain in a storm. All of them bounce around in my head and crash against my ears, always bringing my attention to them. It’s only when I am alone that I can listen to them individually. I’m not going to lie, some of them sound better than others. Some are like a light pattering that go as soon as they have come. But others are more permanent. Some are so heavy that they feel like they could kill you. For me, that one thought is simple.People. All of the people that I have met in these deadly years have meant something to me. I may not have spoken to them all that much, and I definitely hated some of them. But they still meant something. It was a split second where you feel slightly less alone, because some people may be monsters, but they are monsters that you can talk to, maybe even reason with. In my opinion, that feels a lot better than facing the other monsters that are out there.I slowly made my way to my bed and sat on it, hearing every individual squeak of the springs as I did, and looked to the window on my left side. Despite the boards of spruce wood that covered a portion of the view outside, I could still see the sky. It was a beautiful peach. Deep yet vibrant orange streaked with the palest of pink. Didn’t pink in the sky mean that the weather would be nice the following day? I would soon find out, as this sky indicated that night was nearly upon us. I hoped that it would be nice. Maybe that would mean that there would be no rain in my mind or in real life.All of my droplets of thought entered the back of my head for a moment as I heard the sound of faint steps that were far apart, and they were coming towards my door. It was a pattern that I would know anywhere. In about four seconds, Louis was going to knock on my door.Sure enough, I was right. At exactly when I predicted, Louis knocked a little tune onto my door that only he would do. Now I knew. No one could stump me on what I don’t know about him. I quickly responded to his knock, saying, “Come in!” in an instantly lighter tone than I usually would. The creaking panel of wood swung open and revealed my boyfriend in all of his glory. Of course, his usual grin was still there.“Good evening your royal highness!” He shouted as he bowed down to me rather dramatically, waiting for me to speak so he could rise up again.“Hey, my Prince Charming,” I giggled when I said it and Louis seemed to be confident that he had pleased me, so he stood up straight and walked away from the door and into the room. He was easily six or seven inches taller than me. And I also noticed that he had ditched his signature fur lined trench-coat, leaving just his tighter green shirt and his forearms exposed. It was a look that I could get used to. Louis must have blushed slightly as he made a small side grin and looked to the ground nonchalantly, something that he always did when hiding his face in embarrassment. It didn’t look like he was speaking any time soon so I started first.“Um, is there a reason you’ve come? What’s going on?” That seemed to kick his head back into gear, as his grin quickly went down. Not all the way though. I’ve never seen Louis act completely serious, and it’s likely I never will. All he does is tone it down. “Yeah, actually,” he began in response, “some people have just showed up at the gates, a man, woman and a guy about our age. They’re saying that they just stumbled upon the school by accident, didn’t even know it was here. You wanna come take a look, see if you think they’ll start going trigger happy on us?” He added a tiny laugh at the end, but it was clear that he didn’t know what to do. I soon switched to my sort-of leader persona (I didn’t know if I was the leader, but people said that I was, so there you go) and replied “Show me.” with an intense voice. Louis gathered that I wasn’t messing around and led me out to the courtyard at a power walking pace. It didn’t take us long to reach our destination.As we walked towards the now open gates, I kept catching glimpses of our new arrival. There was a baseball bat on the floor that one of them had dropped to show pacifism. Wait...Had I seen that before?No, surely I hadn’t, it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I had seen a fair share of bats after all. But I just couldn’t get rid off the nagging feeling. I tried to ignore it as I kept on walking, but hints kept coming back to me. A baseball jersey with a large spot of old blood on the shoulder for the man. A blue puffy bomber jacket for the boy. A gold necklace for the woman. Surely it couldn’t be. That was when Aasim and Violet, who were the ones pointing guns at them and blocking them from my view, stepped to the side and presented me with the wanderers.I dropped my knife that I had subconsciously drawn, causing it to make a clatter that was loud compared to the dead silence that was in the air at that moment. All I could do was stand and stare at them, eyes wide and mouth stuck open in a permanent gasp. They also made the same expression as me. It was. It was them.After twenty seconds of nothing but standing and staring, only one word managed to work its way up my throat and out of my mouth, a word that I had so desperately wanted to speak since I had my first suspicion. Now, it was true. It sounded raspy, but I didn’t care, it was them.“Javi?”
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“Javi?”There was that feeling again. The relief. All of us stood in silence as we relished in the diminishing of worry, stress and pain. Something had become normal again.It had suddenly occurred to me that no one had spoken for about two minutes. My old friends and I were taking our moment in, and my new friends didn’t know whether to interrupt or play it out. They decided on the latter. All that could be heard was an occasional swiping of the humid wind, and me, letting out several small exhalations that sounded like gasps, but it was actually an honest yet feeble attempt of laughter. I was still being consumed by the feeling, and growing accustomed to feeling so much joy at one time.“Clem? Is that you?” Javi asked weakly, sounding how I felt, but being more successful in getting it out into words. And it was with those words that I had found my voice again. As if I was mimicking him I replied, “Yeah. It’s me.”Ecstatic smiles showed up on both of our faces. I couldn’t see mine, but I could certainly feel it. I couldn’t remember the last time that I had lost my somewhat calmer facade. And if I was reacting this way to my friend standing before me, what the hell was I going to say to the boy that was standing behind him? It was as if Javi had read my mind, because at that moment, he smirked and stood to the side to reveal his nephew who seemed eager to move out of his uncle’s path.Right then and there, I felt myself shoot back in time when I saw him. It was obvious that we had changed over the years we hadn’t seen each other, but it didn’t matter. Nothing had ever felt more familiar. We were two kids. That’s all. Then again, that’s how I always felt when I spent time with him, like a child. And apparently, my head wasn’t in a rush to move on from that.My thoughts had ran through my head in a fraction of a second, and I was only brought back to reality when I heard him shout “Clementine!” in the happiest voice that I had heard for a while.It was all so simple. It was as if gravity pulled us off of the ground and towards each other as we finally met and slammed into one another with the biggest hug that I had ever given anyone. We collided so strongly that he lifted me off my feet and spun me around in the air whilst we both laughed at how stupid we were acting. I could hardly breathe, but I had never felt more alive.“Hey, you dork.” I was glad with my choice of words as soon as a wide smile was swept across Gabe’s face.“Hey, Clem.”A very elaborate cough that came from Violet reminded me that we still needed to address the formalities.“Are you going to stop pining and tell us who the hell these people are?” Violet spoke in a clearly exasperated tone. I knew I should listen as soon as Louis chimed in saying “Yeah, uh...how do you know these people?”“Well, this is Javi, Kate and Gabe. They run a community about thirty miles from here called Richmond. The politics there got really messy at one point, but these guys stepped up and saved it. I haven’t seen them in about three years.” I got confused when I looked over to Louis and noticed that his arms were crossed and his face was contorted, as if in utter confusion. I wanted to ask him what was wrong but I figured it wasn’t the time. Something was definitely wrong though.It was the first time that I had heard Kate speak since I had showed up, but she had a very intriguing idea for us. Something that I could have only dreamt of.“We were actually out here looking for another settlement similar to ours. We thought that we could make Richmond stronger by forming an alliance with people that we can trust.” Gabe then took over from his step-mother, “And we know that we can trust you.” All of those words gave me a new thrill of hope. An alliance? That meant that we had friends out there, we had help if we needed it, we had reinforcements, we had more supplies if we were running low. That meant that we had a team. I attempted to express all of this joy in a genuine smile and calmly said, “That sounds like something that we can discuss.” All that could be heard was a collective sigh of relief.“Well, if we’re going to be workin’ together, shouldn’t they know who we are as well?” Louis laughed nervously while giving Gabe a suspicious look. I then had a feeling that I knew what was bothering him, but again, we couldn’t get into it at that moment. I tried (and fortunately succeeded) to sound nonchalant as I introduced my friends. “Oh, yeah. Guys, this is Aasim, Omar, Willy, Tenn, Ruby, Violet and Louis.” All of them said hello collectively.“Hey, what about me?” I almost leapt with excitement when I thought about whose that voice belonged to. It only felt right to address Javi right away.“Of course, goofball. Sorry about that. Javi, this is AJ.”“Really? You found him at the McCarroll Ranch?”AJ immediately looked to me for guidance. “Clem, how does this guy know who I am?” I gave the most straightforward answer that I could with “Well, before I found you again, I was in Richmond with these old friends of mine, and I just happened to tell them a lot about you.” AJ couldn’t hide his small smile of pride as I revealed that I had told people about him. As Javi conversed with my little goofball, I turned to Kate, who I was just as happy to see. I had just thought of an idea as I started talking. “Hey Kate, how about some of my friends give you guys a tour around here? I really would want to myself, but I need to look over some of our new fortification plans. Gotta keep this place safe, you know?”Kate’s smile revealed a sense of awe as I talked about my role as a leader. She ended up responding “Sure, that would be great Clem. I have to admit, you seem like you fit in well here.” I looked behind me at the large group of new friends meeting old friends, all getting to know one another as I said, “Yeah. I feel like I do as well.” I definitely admired Kate, there was no doubt about that, but that was the strongest our relationship had ever gotten. But that didn’t mean that I wasn’t appreciative of it.She then rejoined her family and was led off to look around. I had another idea.“Hey, Gabe?”Gabe turned around in response to his name almost immediately. Was he usually this nervous? “Uh, yeah?”“Did you want to come with me and Louis instead?” Even though he didn’t seem particularly enthusiastic about who else was going, I could tell that he was still eager to catch up with an old friend. “Okay, sure!” Well that was something at least. Without having to think, I gestured for Gabe to follow me as I took Louis’s hand and guided them both into the mostly dilapidated entrance of the place that I called home. Gabe soon noticed my fingers which were intertwined with my boyfriend’s, and the image of a fallen smile entered my peripheral vision. This was going to be a problem that I didn’t even want to think about for as long as I possibly could. Thankfully, we all made it to my office before my mind could delve deeper into the subject.My hand separated from Louis’s so that I could open the rusted, ivy-covered door to what used to be Marlon’s office. I tried not to focus on that. I hadn’t really changed anything since I had arrived, apart from a few cat skull additions. I saw out of the corner of my eye that Gabe kept making side glances at Louis. It was the same for my boyfriend too.Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all.
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It was confusing to say the least.I know that I didn’t have much, or rather any experience with dating and boyfriends outside of the apocalypse, but it shouldn’t change much. I may have been naive about dating, but I could still tell how people were feeling, and those two were really bad at hiding theirs.Maybe I was wrong. I sure wanted to be. What would happen if the two most important people in the world to me couldn’t even stand in the same room without an unprovoked glance? A near silent tutt?But the ordeal wasn’t over, as I sat on my bed in mine and Louis’s room, having the worst conversation ever. Or rather, he was having a conversation with himself from how much he was talking. He kept on saying things like “He seems a little odd, that’s all” and “I just don’t trust him”. I was fairly sure that it went on for about twenty minutes, and in that time, I was getting more and more angry. I tried so hard to not pay attention to any of the heinous things my boyfriend was saying about my ex-best friend, but it got harder and harder. I could feel my blood starting to sizzle and boil and I was surprised that I hadn’t suddenly burst into flames with how hot I was feeling. The heat threatened to murder my calm composure.I had heard him say it again. The word “trust”. It was as if it was the darkest blasphemy there was. He didn’t trust Gabe? How was that even possible? They didn’t know each other, at all. I didn’t even know that Louis had it inside of him to think the things that he had. It sent me down a whole other whirlpool of uncertainty. What if...what if he wasn’t who I thought he was? What if this was the true Louis?It was the final straw for me. I wouldn’t sit and do nothing whilst he did this, but I wouldn’t let him off easy. He needed to know what he had done, and he would. All of my internal fire plunged to the surface and out of my mouth as I suddenly stood up and screamed.“HE’S DONE NOTHING!!!”Complete and utter silence filled the room. Complete and utter surprise filled Louis’s eyes. I got what I had hoped for. Now it was my turn to talk. And he would listen.“Can you please use however many brain cells you have left to realise how stupid, and might I say, insulting, you are sounding right now? I’ll put this into perspective for you. You have known Gabe for two hours, you haven’t even said a word to him, and you think that you’ve got him all figured out? I don’t think you have even stopped yourself to notice how many awful things you have said about someone who you know means something to me! OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES!!”I definitely had more to say on the subject, but I paused to give him an opportunity to chime in. That look of shock still painted his face, and he said nothing. The rage that bubbled inside of me began to subside as I realised the gravity of the situation, and how badly he had hurt me. The fire was distinguished by the tears that began to build in my eyes and roll onto my face. I coughed before I spoke again so I was sure that I could talk, although the words were still only a mere whisper.“...I have the mind to disown you. To walk out of this place and never come back. So I want you to tell me...why would you say things like that?”My voice broke on the last word to make way for more tears. My legs suddenly could not handle the task of keeping me standing, so I slumped to the ground, my energy mostly going into crying and fast breathing. At least Louis had something to say for himself now. As soon as he saw me crumble right in front of him, he quickly joined me on the ground, and succeeded to cup my face with his right hand when I made no move to pull away. To be honest, I didn’t want him to be near me, but I simply lacked the motivation to stand and move away. I did, however, refuse to lift my head to look him in the eyes when I felt his hand begin to pull me in that direction. When he spoke, he sounded as if he was broken too, but not nearly as much as me. “I’m so sorry Clem. I know that you need, and frankly deserve an explanation for things that I have said and the way that I’ve felt, but the truth is that I can’t give you one. I know that you want to know why, but...I don’t even know why. I don’t know why I feel like this. Please believe me.”I could still only manage raspy whispers, but I managed to say, “There was a time where you thought twice before lying to me. And I think you’re lying to yourself as well. You do know the reason, you just don’t want to admit it.” Embarrassment and shame entered his expression. So it should.“If you can’t tell me the reason, then you’re not who I thought you were, and that would be unfortunate. Because the boy I thought I knew? I love him, and I don’t want to walk away from him.”“...Well I thought that you were going to walk away from me.”“What?”“I guess, ugh, I don’t know. I guess I felt, insecure? It’s just...”All of my emotions had combined together, so I wasn’t sure what I was feeling anymore. Right then I just needed to hear what he had to say. Even though I was positive that I wouldn’t like it. I wanted someone to say it so that I could stop feeling like I was imagining it.“I saw how your eyes just lit up when you saw him. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. And when you two just ran to each other, I don’t know why but, it just looked right. Both of you were so happy, and I didn’t need to be there to make you look like that. I’ve never seen you look like that, and it was a million questions all suddenly firing into my brain. It was things like “What has he done that I haven’t done?” and “Why haven’t I been able to make her smile like that?” I guess it was the fact that I just couldn’t put my head around it. I was never thinking about him, I only thought of you. Whenever I looked at him, it was to figure out why he was so much better than me. At least, that’s what it felt like. I felt as though I’d failed you. It felt as though I was suddenly destined to doom you to a life that you wouldn’t have been happy with. A life where you were with me instead of him, and I couldn’t figure out whether or not that’s what you wanted. I just felt unwanted, that’s all.”
...
I didn’t know what to say. Words were attempting to be combined, and in a way they actually did. But getting them out past my lips? That wasn’t an option according to my brain. I opted for the simplest response that I could. There was time for more talking later.“I-I didn’t know, you felt like that.”A sob abruptly came from Louis as he began to cry like I was, even though I didn’t know I was still doing that. I had spent many days and nights letting the tears fall, because there was nothing else that I could have done. Sitting alone all of that time, whether it was hot or cold, wet or dry, letting my soul slowly kill itself. It almost seemed normal to me, but for him, crying was all kinds of wrong. He was the embodiment of joy, a kind and gentle spirit. He brought my soul back to life. It had to be fixed.My movement resulted in Louis’s silence as I shuffled over and made my arms meet around his back, and my face bury in his shoulder. In that moment, I felt as though I could move heaven and earth to see him grin, or to make him feel wanted, loved. Because that’s exactly what he was. Loved.“Lou, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. You may find it incomprehensible, but you mean the whole world to me. I love you in a way that is new and unfamiliar, but it also feels as though something I have been missing. To actually find something like that is a special thing and I don’t want to let that go.” My hands then shifted to cup his face as I looked up into his eyes, and he looked down into mine. “Gabe is one of my friends, and he is very important to me, of course. But you, you are mine. I don’t want you to forget that.” My thumb moved to wipe Louis’s tears, though they did not seem to be tears of sadness anymore. They were relieved, and content. I soon felt the same relief when he bent down to give me one of my cheek kisses, something he only did when he wanted to. The corner of his mouth turned up, as he whispered, “I don’t think I can forget that, and I don’t want to anytime soon.”That was all that needed to be said in that moment as we sat in the room. It took mere moments for us to lose ourselves, only to be found again by one another. And from what we were feeling, we were ok with that.
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Four hours laterIt seemed like everything was falling back into place. In fact, it was better than I could have ever hoped for. After we met up with Javi and Kate again, we started talking about our future as potential allies. Both of us had something that the other needed, so an alliance was almost too good to be true. However, I had to admit, that alone was not the only source of my euphoria. Louis and I were able to push everything under the rug and it seemed like it was better than before. We truly knew how we felt and all of our walls came down, revealing things that we would have never imagined having to share. I realised that talking to him would never be as difficult ever again. Well, except for when we would debate over cantaloupe.Louis also did something that surprised me entirely, even when I considered the way that we had fought about it, which was only a few hours ago. I had turned a corner and I discovered him actually talking to Gabe. It seemed like quite a deep conversation as they didn’t notice me listening intently until I was about three feet away. But I did start laughing uncontrollably when they both refused to tell me what they were talking about. It was probably something gross, knowing those two. I was sure that I would find out later.Despite the fact that I had fixed things with Louis, I couldn’t help but keep thinking about why he said that he was insecure in the first place. He said that my eyes had “lit up when I saw him”. I didn’t even know whether that was true or not, and I was worried about that. Louis must have been watching extremely closely to catch it. Or was it that obvious? I didn’t have a clue, but I knew that I had to find out as soon as possible, or Louis might have been right about me taking a certain path and not being happy with it. After we had made up, he left me alone in the room for a while, and it was the perfect opportunity to take a moment to breathe and think.I thought back to when I was with Javi and his group, and I just tried to figure out what Gabe and I actually were back then. I certainly didn’t know then, and it wasn’t any clearer now. We used to spend so much time together, talking about teenager stuff, playing euchre, or just walking and generally being each other’s company, even if the mood of the apocalypse didn’t compel us to talk to one another. Happy was all that I felt when I was with him. Kate used to say that we were two kids falling for each other, and when I thought about it, that much was almost inevitable. He was the only person my age that I had encountered in almost two years, so it wasn’t surprising when I grew attached. Is it possible that I was just desperate for someone to understand me? Maybe I misconstrued my overwhelming relief and hope as a form of love. That thought grew even stronger and more certain when I considered Louis, and the way that I felt about him. I definitely cared about Gabe more than the usual amount for a number of reasons, but it was different with Louis. He made me feel safe, and loved, because he loved me. And I loved him. I felt no fear when I had fully admitted that to myself, so I knew that it must have been true, and it made everything so clear.Gabe wasn’t meant for me, but Louis was.We eventually came to an agreement with Javi and the people of Richmond, and we were both ecstatic. Under the terms, both sides would prosper and become greater than they ever have been. We had all shared a meal and a joke, and finally, Javi, Kate and Gabe were ready to return home.I gave both Javi and Kate a quick hug as I always did, and then I turned to Gabe. As we hugged, he gave me a light pat on the back, and I gave him a playful punch on the arm, and we both giggled. When that subsided, he said something that I never would have imagined coming out of his mouth. He gave me a warm smile, and said, “Make sure you take care of each other okay? I want you to be happy, and Louis is a pretty good guy.” I returned his smile and voice as I replied, “I will. Also, I was curious. Have any girls back in Richmond caught your eye yet?” Gabe’s life in Richmond should have been something that I had brought up earlier, so I felt compelled to do it then.“Oh,um...Not in that way, but I met a girl named Melanie, and she’s awesome. She’s an expert at euchre now, and she’s teaching me how to throw knives! I guess you could say she’s my best friend.”“Well that’s great Gabe. She does sound cool, I’ll have to come and visit sometime.”“You really should, I think you’d like her.”Hearing that he was happy with where he was brought me some relief. We could have talked for quite a while longer but we got the hint when Javi took his shoulder and started coaxing him back towards the gates. We shared a smile and walked back to our groups. When I was back at Louis’s side he took my hand as he always did, but after today, we knew that it was now so much more. We all smiled and waved as Javi, Kate and Gabe walked back out into the woods, leaving the school behind them.All of us were on cloud nine, but I knew that I was the happiest. At that moment I just took a minute to be glad that I had so many loving and supported friends, the sweetest guy anyone could ask for, and a good home that is now even safer. Pure joy flooded through me, and it went all the way to the tips of my fingers and toes.And it still has yet to fade.