Work Text
Prologue
[Once upon a time there were two people who hated each other.
Their children fell in love and died. The end.
...What, you wanted a real story? Fine. Here's your story.]
Scene 1: Verona. A place with lots of peasants and stuff around. Or something.
(Enter Sampson and Gregory)
Sampson: GREG!!!
Gregory: SAM!!!
Sampson: I hate the Montagues.
Gregory: Don’t we all?
Sampson: I bet I could kill one!
Gregory: …Nooooooooooo, noooooo you couldn't.
Sampson: Boi, are you testing me? I tell you: I can kill all Montague’s men! Then I’ll cut off all the ladies’ heads!
Gregory: Their maidenheads?
Sampson: I guess you could take it that way too.
Gregory: I’m not going to be the one taking it; the ladies are gonna be taking it.
Sampson: …True. Well, they can take it fine. The ladies love me anyway.
Gregory: Yeah, dude. The highway. So.
(Enter Abram and Balthasar)
Gregory: AH! SAMMY!! Look at them! There's Abraham Montague Lincoln!
Sampson: “My naked weapon is out!”(actual quote. It fits so well with their previous conversation, doesn't it?) Boi, if dem MONtaguuuuues come over here Imma git em!
Gregory: No, you're gonna git the hell out of here if a fight begins.
Sampson: Okay, well… let’s make them start it. Uh… (flips Abram off as he walks by)
Abram: (sees him) … (stops walking and stares at Greg and Sam) … (long pause) ………....... (Starts chucking pennies at Sam and Greg very fast and hard) YOU OFFEND THE SOMETHINGITH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF NONEXISTENCE-AT-THIS-TIME-PERIOD!!!! THIS IS NOT THINE LUCKY DAY!!!!
Sampson: HOLY BREAD OF THE JESUS ROCK!!! (Hides between Greg’s legs)
Gregory: HEY!!! MOVE!!! DON’T JUST HIDE BETWEEN MY LEGS LIKE THAT!!! BERTHA WILL STOP ABRAHAM, YES?
Balthasar: My name's Balthasar not Bertha.
Sampson: Oops. Barf. Sorry.
Balthasar: Not Barf! It's Balthasar!
Gregory: Bagworm?
Balthasar: No, BALTHASAR! B-A-L-T-H-A-S-A-R! BALTHASAR!
Gregory and Sampson: Brontosaurus?
Balthasar: (Sighs)
(Enter Benvolio with a pie)
Benvolio: My god. (Eats some pie)
Gregory: SAMMY!! IT’S BENVOLIO!!!
Sampson: AH!!! (Gets up and points dramatically at Abram) IMMA KEEL YEW, ABRAHAM LINCOLN!!! AND YOU TOO, BOOMBOY!!! (Pelvic thrusts and everyone fights)
Benvolio: ?! Da pie are you guys doing?!
(Enter Tybalt)
Tybalt: BENVOLIO!!! (Takes out a pen and paper and draws a sword on it) LOOK UPON YOUR DEATH, BOI!!!
Benvolio: … (Offers pie) Pie?
Tybalt: SCREW YOUR PIE; I’M TYBALT!!! THAT MAKES ME ABOVE ALL DUMB MONTAGUES LIKE YOU!!! (They fight)
(Enter Citizens)
Citizens: BURN!!!!!!!!!!!
(Enter Capulet and Lady Capulet)
Capulet: HOLY POOP BALLS!!! “Give me my long sword, ho!”(Actual quote. It's already funny; no need for change here) … (Nothing) …HOE!!!
(Enter a Hoe)
Hoe: What?
Capulet: I said gimme my long sword! (Hoe exits)
Lady Capulet: Your sword isn’t THAT long.
Capulet: My sword is plenty long!
Lady Capulet: No, no it really isn't.
(Enter Montague and Lady Montague)
Capulet: HOE, Y’ALL BETTER HURY UP WITH MY SWORD CUZ MONTAGUE’S HERE!!!
Montague: My hoes get my sword faster than yours.
Capulet: I bet I could get your sword faster than you could get mine.
Montague: (cracks his knuckles) Oh, it’s ON!
Lady Capulet & Lady Montague: YOU BOTH HAVE WIVES WHO ARE STANDING RIGHT HERE SO PLEASE POSTPONE YOUR HOMOSEXUAL TENSION!!!!
(Enter Prince Escalus, riding a train)
Prince: Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, CHOO-CHOOOOOOOO!!! (Jumps off the train) PEASANTS!!! This fight is bad and blah blah insert flowery text and fancy speech here… Stop fighting or I’ll have your heads.
Sampson: Our maidenheads?
Gregory: Not all of us here are maidens. (Points to Abram) This one is though. (Points to Sampson) And that one.
Sampson: Hey, I’m no woman!
Gregory: Yeah, dude. The highway. So.
Sampson: (defeated)
(Exit all but Montague, Lady Montague and Benvolio)
Montague: (to Benvolio) Dafoo happened, Benvolio?
Benvolio: (Shrugs) Dunno. I was just transporting this beautiful heart-shaped pie I made for Romeo.
Lady Montague: Where IS Romeo, anyway?
Benvolio: Not here.
Lady Montague: Yes, but W H E R E ?
Benvolio: This morning at like 2am I made the pie and went to take it to him but he ran away. So I’m taking it to him now.
Montague: (Looks at the pie and reads the words on it) “Find a new goddamn whore to fu…” ahem… I don’t think the use of that particular word is necessary. (Wipes off some frosting) Now it just says F-U.
Benvolio: “Find a new whore to F-U.” …Huh, that actually works. Thanks.
Montague: Some of this pie is eaten.
Benvolio: I couldn't help it. It looked delicious.
Montague: And?
Benvolio: …It is delicious.
Lady Montague: I’m worried about Romeo. He’s becoming emo and I don’t like it.
(Enter Romeo)
Lady Montague: Speak of the emo. There he is! (To Benvolio) Take care of him. (Exit Lady Montague and her hubby)
Benvolio: ROMEO!!!! (Offers the pie)
Romeo: (groans) What now, Benvolio? …? (Reads the pie) “Find a new whore to… F-U.” …How did you know that that was my problem? I didn't tell you.
Benvolio: Lucky guess. So…
Romeo: (Sees blood) What the hell happened here?! …Actually, I just realized something. I don’t care. At all. So don’t tell me. “O brawling love, o loving hate, o anything of nothing first created!”(actual quotes. He pauses, confused) …What am I even saying here? (He takes out the original Romeo and Juliet play) …Seriously, like, why?
Benvolio: (reads the play) ... Everything you say here is just a big bunch of oxymorons.
Romeo: …I'm not a moron, Benvolio. (Takes the play and tosses it away) I hate love is the point!
Benvolio: I think that's still an oxymoron.
Romeo: I AM NO MORON, BOY!!!
Benvolio: Eye crie. (he cries)
Romeo: … (cries too) DON’T CRIE, BENNY!!! YOU’RE MAKING ME CRY TOO!!!!
Benvolio: (eats pie to cheer himself up) I'm sad…
Romeo: You should be. You made Romeo cry. I'm leaving.
Benvolio: (jumps up and tosses pie away) THEN I SHALL FOLLOW!!!
Romeo: Don't follow me; I'm not me.
Benvolio: You're a very confusing person, Romeo.
Romeo: Who’s Romeo? I'm Depressed. Nice to meet you.
Benvolio: Oh, hi there, Depressed. Do you know where Romeo is?
Romeo: Nope.
Benvolio: Oh, so if you're not Romeo then can you tell me who Romeo loves? Cuz he sure as hell doesn't wanna tell me.
Romeo: “What, shall I groan and tell thee?”(actual quote)
Benvolio: Groan? Hm… maybe the one Romeo loves is me.
Romeo: No, no it isn't,
Benvolio: (sadly) Oh.
Romeo: Romeo loves a woman.
Benvolio: (even more sadly) Oh.
Romeo: That woman heard that I love her and then realized she was lesbian so…
Benvolio: That happens to me a lot too.
Romeo: It sucks.
Benvolio: Yep. I know your pain, Romeo. Here's my advice; stop thinking.
Romeo: I don't wanna die though.
Benvolio: No, just don't think of her. I'll bake you a new pie that you can admire instead of her!
Romeo: I'm not pie-sexual like you, Benvolio. (Leaves)
Benvolio: …I'll teach you then! (Follows)
Skeen Too: The Second Pie
(Enter Capulet, Paris and Peter)
Capulet: So Montague is evil. The end.
Paris: Okay. So anyway, you're kind of boring.
Capulet: BUT! Montague is still evil. You agree?
Paris: Sure, whatever. Why do you guys hate each other, anyway? Like, what started it all?
Capulet: Uh… the reason doesn't matter.
Paris: Actually, yes it does matter.
Capulet: Hush, France-man. You know nothing about rivalries.
Paris: Can we talk about Juliet now?
Capulet: Hey, did I tell you about the time when Montague stole my hamburger in the ninth grade?
Paris: (Groans) Ugh... Yes, you have...
Capulet: Well, I'm sure you forgot it. Let me tell you the entire thing again! Ahem!
(Five hours later...)
Capulet: And that's the story of the time Montague stole my cheeseburger!
Paris: I thought it was a hamburger?
Capulet: Nope! It was a cheeseburger!
Paris: Now it's slightly more interesting.
Capulet: Oh! And there was this one time when Montague-
Paris: (Cuts Capulet off) Yes, yes, very nice. As much as I... "Love"... Hearing about your problems, can we PLEASE talk about something else? I just came here to ask to marry Juliet!
Capulet: Not so fast there, CHILD!!!
Paris: I’m not a child…
Capulet: She’s too young right now! Wait a little while! Now, where was I…?
Paris: (sighs)
(Five days later...)
Capulet: And then... And then... Um, I think I've told you my entire life story now.
Paris: You're done? THANK GOD!
Capulet: Now I'll tell you about my plans for the future!
Paris: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Runs away. Capulet chases him)
(Enter Peter)
Peter: Um… (Looks at his letter) Um… hm… I can’t read. (Tears a part of the paper off and eats it)
(Enter Benvolio and Romeo)
Benvolio: You don’t like my pies?
Romeo: They hurt my fragile effeminate man-feelings!
Benvolio: Okay, so maybe the whore pie wasn't the best message to write, but I still think my next message was fine!
Romeo: Your next message was “Are you gay?”
Benvolio: Well, ARE you?
Romeo: NO. I’m in love with a GIRL. I’m not gay.
Benvolio: That's what the gayest men say to convince themselves and others that they aren't gay.
Romeo: …I’m very straight, Benvolio.
Peter: (runs to them) Yo, Capulet's havin' a party! If you not a Montague, you come! Baaaaai! (Tosses the remaining bits of the paper at them and leaves)
Romeo: ...Well, that just happened.
Benvolio: Yes it did. Hey, we get to go to a party!
Romeo: Nah, I'm not interested.
Benvolio: (reads the remains of the letter) …Rosaline is gonna be there.
Romeo: I’m going to the party.
Benvolio: She's ugly. Go find someone else.
Romeo: I hate you.
Benvolio: Will you forget about her if I give you a Scooby snack?
Romeo: I think you're in the wrong cartoon.
Benvolio: How about a Romeo snack?
Romeo: (Punches Benvolio)
Benvolio: We're going to the party and I’ll show you a much prettier sight there. (Drags Romeo away. A few seconds later, he pokes his head back in) It’s me. That prettier sight is me. Not some other girl. Its me. And I will give him… (Holds up a pie) …A pie.
Romeo: (from away) Benvolio! Stop attempting to explain yourself. You weren't subtle to begin with.
Benvolio: AH PIE!!! (Leaves)
Seen ThurE: SAVAGE
(Enter Lady Capulet and Nurse)
Lady Capulet: Nurse! Bring Juliet!
Nurse: I was a virgin at age twelve.
Lady Capulet: (long pause) …Yes, that's… good to know. So… Bring Juliet.
Nurse: I called her already! She’s taking forever! Do you think she’s dead?
(Enter Juliet)
Juliet: Helloooo!
Lady Capulet: (claps) What a beautiful Capulet “hellooooo” you have, daughter! (To Nurse) GTFO.
Nurse: I have only four teeth.
Lady Capulet: …Actually, you can stay. We’re all cool here.
Nurse: Do you remember that time Juliet was younger and my old hubby said to her that she’ll fall backwards when she gets older? Fall backwards! (Laughs) That means to have sex, for all you yong’uns! And little Juliet just said “Yes”!
Lady Capulet: Yes, I remember you saying this. Now hush.
Nurse: BUT LIKE, THIS IS FUNNY. SHE SAID THAT SHE’D HAVE SEX ONE DAY.
Juliet: SHUT DA FOOPADOO UP, OLD WOMAN!!!
Nurse: …
Lady Capulet: …
Juliet: …
Nurse: …Did I ever tell you about the time… (Juliet and Lady Capulet ignore her and talk to each other)
Lady Capulet: Okay, so… Party! You will go and meet Paris! Okay? Okay, you can go now. Bye.
Juliet: I don't get a say in this?
Lady Capulet: Nope.
Juliet: I don't really feel like traveling all the way to Paris. I'd rather stay here and gossip with my friends over Faceblorp.
Lady Capulet: Actually, Paris is this boy you're going to marry!
Juliet: I'm getting married to a city?!
Lady Capulet: No he's a person.
Juliet: Well, apparently my geography teacher was lying.
Lady Capulet: So let's see... I'm going to compare Paris to something. Hm... I know! Paris is like a book! (holds up a book with no cover)
Juliet: I don't like him already. Reading sucks.
Lady Capulet: (Waves book in Juliet's face) Hey! This is a good book!
Juliet: (Takes the book and flips through the pages) there's nothing in this book. It's just a bunch of blank pages.
Lady Capulet: That's why it's so good! It's a quick and easy read!
Nurse: (Has been rambling on about random things this entire time) ...And then HE said, "But nurse! You don't HAVE a name!" And then I said...
Juliet: NURSE, YOU SACK OF PATHETIC HUMAN GARBAGE, IF YOU DON’T SHUT THAT GODDAMNED CHALKY OLD ORIFICE YOU CALL A MOUTH RIGHT THIS INSTANT I’LL STICK MY DAGGER SO DEEP INTO IT THAT YOU’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO CLOSE IT AGAIN!!!
Lady Capulet: (shocked) My god… (leaves, having an existential crisis. Juliet follows)
Nurse: (completely unaware of Juliet’s outburst) ...So in the end, he was a jerk. I hate him now. Hm? Did you say something?
(Juliet and Lady Capulet are already gone)
Nurse: Hello? ...Oh well. I guess they loved my story so much they just HAD to run off and tell everyone!
Suh-een For: Hoe
(Enter Romeo, Mercutio and Benvolio, with pies)
Romeo: (gets hit in the face with a pie) ...Classic.
Benvolio: (tossing pies at peoples) HAVE SOME PIE, YO!
Romeo: What do THESE pies have written on them?
Benvolio: Suck my di-
Romeo: (pushes him away) OKAAAAAY, GOODBYE, PIE-MAN. Mercutio, change the subject.
Mercutio: Uh… cake.
Benvolio: (offended) Cake is my mortal enemy, MERCUTIO. You don’t mention cake in my presence.
Romeo: Okay, let’s just get this party over with. I’ll hold a torch while you guys dance ‘cuz I need to be the light of SOMEONE’S life.
Mercutio: You're so depressing, Romeo.
Benvolio: Will a pie make you happier? (Offers pie)
Romeo: Benvolio, shut up with your pie! And the messages on your pies are always so lewd.
Benvolio: Well, last time I asked if you were gay which isn't exactly “lewd”…
Romeo: That was a first.
Mercutio: Rome, come and dance tonight.
Romeo: It's Romeo, not Rome.
Mercutio: Same thing.
Romeo: I’m not dancing.
Mercutio: We’ll make you dance. Love will make you dance!
Romeo: Love is evil and hates me.
Mercutio: No, love is nice and loves you!
Romeo: No. No it doesn't. Love’s tenders like to strangle me.
Benvolio: Kinky.
Mercutio: If Love wants to strangle you, you should fight back!
Benvolio: Still kinky.
Mercutio: “Come, we burn daylight, ho!”(Actual quote)
Romeo: I’m not a hoe.
Mercutio: You THINK you're not a hoe, but you are.
Romeo: I’m no hoe.
Benvolio: No, you're a hoe.
Mercutio: Definitely a hoe.
Benvolio: 100% hoe.
Mercutio: Indeed, a hoe.
Benvolio: Hoe is as hoe does.
Mercutio: A Hoe-meo.
Benvolio: Such a hoe.
Romeo: I AIN’T NO HOE!!!
Mercutio & Benvolio: WELL, YOU AIN’T NOT A HOE!!!
Romeo: That's a double negative.
Mercutio: Good observation, Hoemeo.
Romeo: I’m done with this. “On, lusty gentlemen.”(Actual quote)
Benvolio: Yeah, let’s turn some women into lesbians!!
All three: YEAH!!! (March away proudly)
Screen F-eye-vuh: Hormones
(Enter Peter, with a plate)
Peter: (breaks the plate) Fu…! Uh, full… house…
(Enter Capulet)
Capulet: Boi, did I just hear you break a plate?
Peter: (Puts a mat over it) No. (Hastily walks away)
(Enter… sigh, this is a lot of peeps… Lady Capulet, Juliet, Tybalt, Romeo the hoe, Benvolio the pie-man, Mercutio the other bro, and a bunch of other hoes)
Capulet: (clears throat) HELLOOOOOOOO!
Everyone else except the Montagues: HELLOOOOOOOOO!
The Montagues: HIYA!!!(That's the Montague “Hello”)
Tybalt: I head a Montague hello from someone in here. (Suspiciously staring at everyone)
Capulet: VISITORS AND NON-VISITORS AND PARTY-CRASHERS!!! I command you all to dance and be happy! Unless you have corns. God, I hate corn. Corn is like, the dildo of the devil.(I considered being subtle but ultimately decided not to and just say “to hell with it I’ll say dildo if I want”) It's disgusting. Corn is disgusting. If you don't dance, I’ll tell everyone that you are a corn on the cob. That will make everyone think you're the devil’s plaything. And if you're a guy, then everyone will think you're gay. You all must dance or else you're all gay. Even the girls are gay if they don’t dance. Because corn.
Romeo: I still won't dance.
Benvolio: Then you admit to being gay?
Mercutio: A homo hoe Romeo?
Benvolio: A Hoemomeo?
Romeo: I’M NOT GAY. (Sees Juliet) Holy freaking hot tenders of affection who the balls is that sexy girl over there?!
(Enter Rosaline)
Rosaline: (Goes to Romeo) Hey, Romeo! It’s me; Rosaline! I think I was wrong about being lesbian. I’m actually bi. Wanna make out?
Romeo: (Shoves her away) Hoe, get outta my way. I'm going to meet the girl of my dreams and ask her to kiss me even though I don’t even know who she is. (Goes to Juliet) HIYA, BEAUTIFUL THING!!!
Tybalt: (Gasp) THAT IS A MONTAGUE!!! I MUST KILL!!!
Capulet: Boi, chill.
Tybalt: NO, I AM TYBALT I MUST KILL.
Capulet: SODIUM CHLORIDE, BOI. (Gives him salt) I know you're salty but STFU.
Tybalt: (angrily leaves, shaking the salt over his head)
Romeo: (to Juliet) I love you!
Juliet: WOW, I just met you.
Romeo: So?
Juliet: …Good point. Kiss me.
Romeo: Wait, you're not lesbian?
Juliet: No.
Romeo: Holy poop you're perfect!! (Kisses) …Wait, you don’t think I’m gay, right?
Juliet: Well, you aren't dancing so…
Romeo: But I just kissed you! Clearly I’m not gay!
Juliet: That means nothing if you don’t dance.
Romeo: OKAY FINE I’LL DANCE. (Does a little dance) Happy?
Benvolio & Mercutio: FINALLY!!!! (Grabs Romeo and makes him dance with them against his will)
Romeo: AH!! LET GO OF ME!! I’M BUSY TRYING TO GET WITH THIS GIRL I JUST MET AND KNOW NEXT TO NOTHING ABOUT!!!
Juliet: (Dances too) WHEEEEEEE!!!
Romeo: GIRL, YOU ARE NOT HELPING!!!
Nurse: JULIET!!! Yo mama wanna speak to ya.
Juliet: I’m busy.
Nurse: That’s right! You ARE busy! Busy going to talk to yo mama! (Drags her away)
Romeo: (Struggles free of Benvolio and Mercutio’s forced dancing) God… I hate dancing… Whew… Okay, so. (Goes to the Nurse) Who is that girl?
Nurse: DATS MY SWEET LITTLE GIRL JULIET!!!
Romeo: Juliet, huh? (Looks at Juliet)
Juliet: (to her mom) Helloooooooo!
Romeo: (Internal crisis) Oh poop she’s a Capulet.
Benvolio: (grabs Romeo) OKAY, I think it’s time to go.
Romeo: I just realized something.
Benvolio: What's that?
Romeo: I gave Juliet my mom.
(Enter Lady Montague, tied up)
Lady Montague: HELP?!
Juliet: (kicks her away) Who let you out of your cage? (Takes out a whip) Back! (Whips at Lady Montague) Back, Montague! Back to your cage!
Lady Montague: EEEEK!! (Hops away)
Benvolio: Uh… (places a pie down and him and Mercutio lead Romeo away)
Juliet: (Looks at the pie) It says “put her to good use. She likes anal and bondage. She’s quite kinky.” …Huh. (Looks at Nurse) So tell me who these guys are. (Points to people leaving) Who's that? And that? And that?
Nurse: (Talking about other things) So then this guy says to me...
Juliet: NURSE! (points at Romeo) At least tell me who he is.
Nurse: Oh-kaaaaay! (Goes somewhere else and returns) Dat gut es Romeo! He a Montague!
Juliet: …Oh. (Long pause) …Shizzbo.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Steam Won: Short Skeen Time!
(Enter the hoe(Romeo)) Romeo: Benvolio and Mercutio be mean and vulgar. (Epicly jumps over the wall into Capulet's orchard)
Scream 2TOO: Romeo’s Nyas
(Enter Romeo and Juliet, above) Romeo: Romeo sad. (Looks up and sees Juliet) Romeo happy! Juliet: (to herself) Ugh, I just had the most painful poop of my life… Romeo: (to himself) Good to know… Juliet: Oh yeah, I met that Romeo guy earlier, didn't I? (Sigh) Oh Romeo, Romeo… Why the balls are you Romeo?!(To be fair that IS what she says) You're so girly I may as well be lesbian if I love YOU. Romeo: I’m a man… Juliet: OH SWEET OLD IMMORTAL BABY BEING SACRIFICED TO THE DARK LORD SATAN WHO THE HELL IS DOWN THERE?! …Are you looking up my skirt? Romeo: Maybe… Juliet: … Romeo: …Yes. Juliet: Well, at least you're honest. You do realize my peeps would murder you if they saw you, right? Romeo: Well, I know that looking up girl’s skirts isn't the most polite thing to do but I don’t think it’s something to kill me over. Juliet: No, they’ll kill you because you're a Montague. Romeo: That’s nothing to kill me over either. Juliet: Trespassing on private property is a crime. Romeo: Ooooooooooh. Yeah, good point. …Poop balls; how am I gonna get outta here? It's a miracle I got in here in the first place. Juliet: Figure it out. You claim to be a man, don’t you? Romeo: You're cruel. Juliet: No, “cruel” would be showing you what we did to your mom that you gave me. Romeo: What did you do to my mom?! Juliet: …That’s not important. (Enter Lady Montague next to Juliet, tied up) Lady Montague: HELP I’M SUFFERING FROM STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Nurse: (From inside) MISSY MONTAGUE~! C’MEEEEEEERE!!! Lady Montague: COMING, MY LOVE!! …OH LORD HELP ME!!!!! (Bounces back in) Juliet: …God is dead. Romeo: Harsh. Juliet: It’s true. Romeo: Well, uh, anyway… I came here to tell you that I love you. Juliet: Good. Romeo: …That’s it? Just “good”? Juliet: Yep. Romeo: …Ah. (Long pause) ……..Marry me? Juliet: Sure, why not? Okay, bye. Romeo: …Can you NOT leave me so unsatisfied, Juliet? Juliet: What “satisfaction” could you possibly think I can give you tonight? Romeo: Uh, well… Juliet: Don’t answer that. I already know, and the answer is no and GTFO. Romeo: …Oh. Juliet: Goodbye, Romeo! (Waves) Romeo: Aww… bye… (starts to leave) Juliet: …Oh, wait a minute, Romeo! Romeo: “My nyas?”(Actual quote) Juliet: Nyas? Like the cat noise? Are you a furry? Romeo: Uh… no… Juliet: … Romeo: …Yes. Nya nya. (Cat gestures) Juliet: Can you keep a secret? Romeo: Kinda. Juliet: (shows Romeo a fursuit head) I’m secretly a furry too. Romeo: (Gasps) EEEEEEK OMG YOU’RE PURRFECT~!!! We can get married and do lots of secret furry role plays and stuff together! Juliet: YES!! OMG I LOVE YOU!!! Nurse: (from inside) JULIET HELP ME CATCH LADY MONTAGUE SHE’S RUNNING!! Juliet: Wait, really? Nurse: Well, she’s “running” but not with her feet. Juliet: Not with her feet? Nurse: An orifice of hers is running. Juliet: Oh. (Pause, then shudders in disgust) Uwughhhhh… (to Romeo) Bye. (leaves) Romeo: Oh… Uh… b-bye…
Sleek Tree: Gangsta Friar?
(Enter Friar Lawrence, wearing epic shades and carrying a basket) Friar Lawrence: Yo, dawg! I'm the friar! (Enter Romeo, wearing cat ears. He wears cat ears for the rest of the play at all times unless otherwise stated) Romeo: Hiya, Friar! Friar Lawrence: Maaaan, I’d recognize dat Montague Hello from a mile away! 'Sup, Romeo(incorrectly pronounced as “row-MAY-oh” in a pathetic attempt to be hip and cool)! You don't look like you've been home last night! Romeo: Dats right! Friar Lawrence: Were you with Rosaline? Romeo: Nerp! I been with Juliet! She gon be mah wife! You do dat! Friar Lawrence: “Holy Saint Francis!”(I F-ing love this exclamation) Damn, son! Didn't ya just come to me cryin’ over ya ol’ gurl Rosaline? Romeo: Who’s that? Friar Lawrence: Yo ol’ gurl, boi! Romeo: A girl-boy? Does that mean she’s transgender? Friar Lawrence: Pfft! Naw, dawg! Romeo: (points to kitty ears) I’m a kitty! Friar Lawrence: Sorry, boi. Ahem… Naw, kitty! She’s just ya gurl! Romeo: I don't even remember dat gut. Juliet is my love now. Friar Lawrence: You be so unfaithful, man. Romeo: I’m faithful! See, I'm here in a holy place with you! That means that I must be faithful! My kitty ears are blessed, too! I had them sprinkled with holy water! Friar Lawrence: Y’all gotta be faithful to ya gurl tho, bro. Romeo: I’ll be faithful to her as long as she’s faithful to me. Friar Lawrence: …Damn, son. Good point. Aight den, kitty. I’ll marry ya two! Romeo: YAY!!!! IMMA GET MARRIED TO THE GIRL I JUST MET YESTERDAY AND NO ONE CAN POSSIBLY TALK ME OUT OF IT BECAUSE I’M BLINDED BY HORMONES!!! (Runs around happily)
Spleen Fur: I'm not sorry at all for this.
(Enter Mercutio and Pie-Man(Benvolio), with a pie that he’s currently writing on) Mercutio: “Where the devil should this Romeo be?”(Actual quote) Hm… If I was a hoe like Romeo is, where would I be…? Benvolio: I think I’d be in a garden tilling some weeds. Mercutio: Ah, that's right. …Huh. Benvolio: I think he went to hell though. Mercutio: I hear Hell’s pretty nice today. I saw it on Hell’s weather channel. It’s a perfect day for tourists. Benvolio: That's true. Mercutio: …What are you doing? Benvolio: Writing the message of my next pie to Romeo. Mercutio: What does this one say? Benvolio: Do you want to know? Mercutio: Yes. Benvolio: Are you sure you wanna know? Mercutio: Yes. Benvolio: Yes, but ARE YOY(Y’know what, I’m keeping this typo) SURE? Mercutio: YES TELL ME. Benvolio: Well, alright then. If you insist! (Takes a deep breathe in, then says…) 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286 208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481 117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233 786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006 606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146 951941511609433057270365759591953092186117381932611793105118548074462379962749 567351885752724891227938183011949129833673362440656643086021394946395224737190 702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818467669405132000568127145263560827 785771342757789609173637178721468440901224953430146549585371050792279689258923 542019956112129021960864034418159813629774771309960518707211349999998372978049 951059731732816096318595024459455346908302642522308253344685035261931188171010 003137838752886587533208381420617177669147303598253490428755468731159562863882 353787593751957781857780532171226806613001927876611195909216420198938095257201 065485863278865936153381827968230301952035301852968995773622599413891249721775 283479131515574857242454150695950829533116861727855889075098381754637464939319 255060400927701671139009848824012858361603563707660104710181942955596198946767 837449448255379774726847104047534646208046684259069491293313677028989152104752 162056966024058038150193511253382430035587640247496473263914199272604269922796 782354781636009341721641219924586315030286182974555706749838505494588586926995 690927210797509302955321165344987202755960236480665499119881834797753566369807 426542527862551818417574672890977772793800081647060016145249192173217214772350 141441973568548161361157352552133475741849468438523323907394143334547762416862 518983569485562099219222184272550254256887671790494601653466804988627232791786 085784383827967976681454100953883786360950680064225125205117392984896084128488 626945604241965285022210661186306744278622039194945047123713786960956364371917 287467764657573962413890865832645995813390478027590099465764078951269468398352 595709825822620522489407726719478268482601476990902640136394437455305068203496 252451749399651431429809190659250937221696461515709858387410597885959772975498 930161753928468138268683868942774155991855925245953959431049972524680845987273 644695848653836736222626099124608051243884390451244136549762780797715691435997 700129616089441694868555848406353422072225828488648158456028506016842739452267 467678895252138522549954666727823986456596116354886230577456498035593634568174 324112515076069479451096596094025228879710893145669136867228748940560101503308 617928680920874760917824938589009714909675985261365549781893129784821682998948 722658804857564014270477555132379641451523746234364542858444795265867821051141 354735739523113427166102135969536231442952484937187110145765403590279934403742 007310578539062198387447808478489683321445713868751943506430218453191048481005 370614680674919278191197939952061419663428754440643745123718192179998391015919 561814675142691239748940907186494231961567945208095146550225231603881930142093 762137855956638937787083039069792077346722182562599661501421503068038447734549 202605414665925201497442850732518666002132434088190710486331734649651453905796 268561005508106658796998163574736384052571459102897064140110971206280439039759 515677157700420337869936007230558763176359421873125147120532928191826186125867Mercutio: (sleeping, then wakes up.) wut? (Yawns) Okay, what the balls was that? Benvolio: A few digits of Pi! I know the next few, too! Mercutio: (Punches Benvolio) NO. NO MORE PIE. OH MY GOD NO I AM SO DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR PIES. Ugh… Anyway… Talk about something else. Benvolio: Well… Tybalt sent a (dramatic and angry gesture) MESSAGE ON A CAKE (Returns to normal) to Romeo. Mercutio: Dats a challenge, I bet. Benvolio: It is. I bet Romeo is gonna accept it. Mercutio: That’s gonna suck for Rome. Benvolio: Why? Mercutio: Tybalt’s the king of cats! (Enter Romeo) Romeo: Hiya!! (Dramatic glare) Boi, whachu just call mah bro Tybee? Mercutio: The king of cats? Romeo: (Angered silence) …………………… Mercutio: So Romeo! What kinda fun things did YOU sneak off to do? Romeo: Important stuff. Mercutio: So like, “important” as in… having some fun with the booty? Romeo: PFFT Benvolio: So, who was the guy, Romeo? Romeo: It was a GIRL!!! I’m not gay! Mercutio: So you admit you did the doopadeepee last night? Romeo: What- no! I was just saying that it was a girl I was with!! Not a guy! I didn't doopadeepee with her! …Yet. (Enter Nurse and Peter) Nurse: Helloooooo! Mercutio: And there's the Capulet hello... Nurse: Peter, give meh mah fan! Peter: Kaaay! (Gives nurse fan) Mercutio: To hide your face? Nurse: Quiet, peasant! Mercutio: I ain't no peasant! Nurse: (mumbles angrily) Where's that stupid Romeo? Romeo: I'm not stupid... Why does everyone like to make fun of Romeo? Nurse: Because you're a hoe. Benvolio: A hoe. Mercutio: Very hoe. Peter: Hoemeo. Romeo: I’m no hoe… Everyone else: You're a furry hoe. Romeo: … (hangs head in defeat) Mercutio: HOEMEO!! Come with us to your father’s place for dinner now. Benvolio: THERE’S GONNA BE PIE FOR DESSERT!!! (Runs away) Mercutio: …Romeo, I will warn you now. Don’t eat Benvolio’s pie. Don’t. Just… don’t. Don’t even ask about it. Don’t even think about it because he’ll know if the word “pie” goes through your mind at all. Do not ever think about pie again. (Leaves) Romeo: …Okay. Nurse: “I pray you, sir, what saucy merchant was this that was so full of his ropery?”(actual quote) Romeo: Saucy? Nurse: Yes, saucy. Romeo: Uh… I guess he’s saucy. Not SUPER saucy though. But why are you coming to me? Nurse: I MUST WARN YOU THAT YA BETTER NOT POUT OR CRY CUZ SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO VERONA. Romeo: …Ah. …Why? Nurse: I don't know. But you also better not be so much of a hoe that you break mah wittle Juliet’s fragile… well, actually… pretty savage heart. Romeo: I want to marry her. Nurse: …Oh. (Long pause) …Okay. (Leaves, Peter following) Romeo: …That was easier than I expected. (Leaves too)
Sweep Faive: It’s Noon
(Enter Juliet and a Clock) Juliet: ......................................... (Looks at clock) Clock: It nooooon! Juliet: ......................................................................(looks at clock again) Clock: it stiiill nooooooon! Juliet: ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. WHERE IS SHE?!?!?!?! (Enter Nurse) Nurse: I tiiiired! Juliet: FINALLY!!!! What did Romeo say? Nurse: I tiiiiiiired!! Juliet: Telllllllll!!!! Nurse: but I tiiiiireddddd!!!! Juliet: Tell to Juliet what Romeo say! Nurse: He say, with lots of beautiful sexiness... Were u mom at? Juliet: Yes, because Romeo would TOTALLY say that... Nurse: Telllllll! Juliet: You tell!!! Nurse: Fiiiiiiiiiine… He say yay... Juliet: Yaaaay! Time to marry Romeo!!! (Enter Lady Montague, tied up) Lady Montague: Wait, what's this about a marriage? Juliet: (whips her away) Shoo. You don’t belong here, woman. Lady Motague: I think I should know if you're marrying my son!! Juliet: You don’t even have a son. Lady Montague: Yes I do! Juliet: Hm……. (Intense thinking) …Who are you, anyway? Lady Montague: I’M….! (Pause) …I don’t know. …Huh. (Bounces away)
Sheer Seashore Shells: Romeo the Kitty Bullfighter
(Enter Friar Lawrence and Romeo) Friar Lawrence: Yo kitty! How you doin? Romeo: Romeo happy! Friar Lawrence: Das great, son! Let’s get y’all MARRED!!! (Enter Juliet, running non stop) Romeo: JULIET!!! (Goes to embrace her but she runs right past him) (Exit Juliet, still running) Romeo: (Stands there with his arms out) …Eh? (Lowers his arms and turns to where Juliet ran off) Uh… Juliet? (Enter Juliet again, running) Romeo: (Takes out a red handkerchief and acts like he’s a bullfighter) Juliet! (Juliet runs by a bunch of times and Romeo continues to be a bullfighter) Nya! Nya nya! Juliet: BULL NOISE!!!!! (Rams into Romeo at full speed and flings him off stage) Romeo: AH MOTHERFFFFFF-!!!! (Lays there in pain) Friar Lawrence: (looks at Romeo) Bro, you all good? Romeo: Do I look all good to you? Ow… my gut feels like Juliet actually hit me with bull horns… Juliet: (jumps off stage and kicks Romeo) …Hi I’m here to marry you. Get up. Romeo: (groans and stands. He then turns to the audience) Uh, wait, who the hell are all you people!? [HE’S SEEN TOO MUCH.] (A bent fork falls from the sky and hits Romeo on the head and he falls down again. Juliet and Friar Lawrence drag him away, then the three come back on stage, feeling normal again) Romeo: …I have no idea what just happened. Juliet: Marry me. Romeo: Ok.
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Spleer WAN: The Bromance
(Enter Pie-Man and Mercutio)Benvolio: (making out with a pie)Mercutio: (yawns) I'm mad for no reason. (Looks at Benvolio) Maybe it's your fault.(Enter Tybalt and Petruchio)Tybalt: Helloooooooo!Mercutio: (gasp) that was the Capulet's greeting!Benvolio: (shocked and freaks out) AHBalANAKKMNAAAAA!!! (Accidentally chucks the pie he was making out with at Tybalt)Tybalt: … (Tastes the pie) …Cherry. Of course.(Enter Romeo)Romeo: (To Montagues) Hiya! (Turns to Capulets) Helloooooo!Everyone: Boi, did you just do BOTH “hello”s?Romeo: I did.Tybalt: That is an offense to everyone here.Romeo: Why?Tybalt: Because its YOU who said it.Romeo: … (Hugs Tybalt) I love you, bro-bro!Tybalt: UM. (Shoves him away) No.Romeo: Yes! (Kisses Tybalt)Benvolio & Mercutio: OH MY GOD I KNEW YOU WERE GAY.Mercutio: AND FOR TYBALT, NO LESS.Benvolio: IT’S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.Romeo: What- oh goddammit! I’m not gay!Tybalt: (having an internal crisis) …Mercutio: I CAN’T HANDLE THIS. (Has a heart attack and falls)Romeo: (dramatic but unconvincing gasp) O NOSE MER-COOTIES-O!!!Mercutio: Eye crie. (He crie) Wow, I’m dying. Romeo!Romeo: Yee?Mercutio: I always knew you were gay! (Dies)Romeo: … (Kicks his dead body) …He was mean anyway. (Hugs Tybalt) But you're nicer than he is, right Tybee? (Purrs)Tybalt: …Benvolio: ERROR!!! Tybalt is not responding. (Holds up a pie) Shall I pie him, Romero?Romeo: ...“Romero”? Uh, no. I’ll fix him! (Kisses Tybalt again)Tybalt: OH GODS NO STOP DOING THAT I’D RATHER DIE AND GO TO HELL THAN HAVE YOU KISS ME ONE MORE TIME.Romeo: (long pause) … (kisses Tybalt) Love your kitty, Tybee~!!Tybalt: HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND!!!! (Draws a sword on a piece of paper and gives himself a paper cut, which makes him bleed out and die)Romeo: …Poop balls. I’m screwed. (Runs away yelling) EYE CRIIIIIIIE!!!!Benvolio: (looks at Mercutio, then at Tybalt) …Well, at least they’ll make delicious pies. The worst people become the best pies.(Enter Prince, Montague, Capulet and Lady Capulet. Lady Montague is busy right now)Prince: Flip the tables!!! (A table is flipped onto the stage) …ALL the tables!! (More tables get flipped onto the stage) What happened to Mercutio?!Benvolio: He died.Prince: …Eye crie.Lady Capulet: (gasp) Tybalt?! What happened to Tybalt?!Benvolio: He DIED.Lady Capulet: But HOW?Benvolio: Romeo kissed Tybalt so Mercutio had a heart attack and died then Romeo kissed Tybalt again and he became suicidal and gave himself a paper cut and bled out and died.Lady Capulet: …Eye crie. (To Prince) Keel Rome.Prince: No, he’s a furry. He’s like my bro because of that. But I guess I could exile him. That's fine.Lady Capulet: (whines) BUT I WANT HIM TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!Prince: TOO BAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!! (Leaves)Benvolio: …I’ll be taking these… (starts dragging Tybalt and Mercutio away but Montague and Capulet grab the dead bodies)Capulet & Montague: No.Montague: (referring to Mercutio’s body) This body is mine.Capulet: (referring to Tybalt’s body) And this one is mine.Montague: (Grabs Tybalt’s body) Actually, I think I need this body too.Capulet: Why?Montague: Because you have my wife.Capulet: I didn't ASK for my daughter to somehow get ahold of your wife.Montague: You can keep her, but if you do I get to have this body.Capulet: Take someone ELSE’S body! Not Tybee!Montague: Then give me YOUR body!Capulet: I’ll give it to you if you can take it!Montague: Oh, I can totally take you!Capulet: Oh, CAN you?Montague: I can!Capulet: Then draw your sword and prove it! If you even HAVE one!Montague: I have one!Capulet: Prove it!Montague: Okay, I will!Lady Capulet: GET A ROOM PLEASE!!! (Shoves the both of them away)Benvolio: …I need those bodies. (Follows them)
Stark Moo: WOW HE’S DED
(Enter dat gurl(Juliet))Juliet: WOW I CAN’T WAIT ‘TILL NIGHT SO I CAN FOOPADOOP WITH MAH NEW HUBBY!!!(Enter Nurse with electric cords)Juliet: (awkwardly staring at nurse) ...Nurse: (awkwardly staring back) ...Juliet: ...Nurse: ...Juliet: ...Nurse: ...HE DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!Juliet: WHO DEAD?!?!Nurse: HE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!!!!!!Juliet: (punches nurse) WHO DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD?!?! IS IT ROMEO?!?!?!Nurse: NO TYBALT DEAD ROMEO KILLED HIM!Juliet: Oh, that's it? Wow, by the way you're reacting I thought it was something bad.Nurse: AND ROMEO ES NAO BANISHED!!!!!!Juliet: Oh squish the sponge it IS something bad. (Pause) …Imma go cry in the corner now, k?Nurse: k have fun.Juliet: (goes and cries in the corner)Nurse: (runs around screaming) HE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!!!!!!!!!!Juliet: I no exist anymore... My life has no meaning... (pause) …NURSE!!Nurse: HE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!!!Juliet: NURSE GET ME MY HUBBY!!!Nurse: HE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!!!!! (Runs away to get Romeo)Juliet: Doing the doopadeepee with my hubby will make me happy.
Spoof Thursdai: Scaredy Cat
(Enter Friar Lawrence with cat food and Romeo the furry hoe hiding under a table)Friar Lawrence: Yo, Romeo! C'mon out, dawg!Romeo: I’m a kitty!Friar Lawrence: Aww, sorry, mah kitty! Here kitty, kitty! Psst psst psst!Romeo: So I'm going to die, rite?Friar Lawrence: Noooooooooo! You just been banished!Romeo: EYE CRIE THAT’S WORSE!!!Friar Lawrence: Man, you a crybaby, homie. There so many new things out in the world, bro!Romeo: but Juliet won't be there... The rest of the world is full of magikal rainbow pegasuses and furry haters and without Juliet, Romeo be scared! “Every cat and dog and little mouse” can look at Juliet but not Romeo!(Actual quote. Romeo is a furry confirmed(?))Friar Lawrence: But you alive, bro! Go jump off a cliff or sumtin! YOLO!Romeo: But I'm banished! If Imma jump off a cliff I want Juliet to be watching at least! Everyone can see her but I can't! EYE CRIIIIIIIIIIE!!!Friar Lawrence: Yo man, just let me speak an stuff! I explain!Romeo: Romeo no wanna hear.Friar Lawrence: (punches Romeo) Man, I'm done with this. Y’all a scaredy cat!Nurse: (kicks door down) HELLOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!Friar Lawrence: Holy food, bro! Dat door be dead!Nurse: Were Romeo at?Romeo: (crying in a corner) Juliet hate Romeo nao...Nurse: He look just like Juliet...Romeo: I look like a girl?! Everyone like to make fun of Romeo...Nurse: No what I meant was-Romeo: (cuts Nurse off) EVERYONE LIEK TOO MAKE FOON OF MEH!!!!!!Nurse: Romeo-Romeo: (cuts Nurse off again) EVERYOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!!Nurse: ...Romeo: ...Nurse: ... (Opens mouth to speak)Romeo: NO MAKE FOON O MEH!!!!!!!!!Nurse: (closes mouth)(Awkward silence)Romeo: (now has a sword) So Imma kill myself. How should I kill myself? Should I cut off my head, my arms, mah feet, o mah face?Friar Lawrence: None, kitty! You gon live!Romeo: No I gon die!Friar Lawrence: No u live! (Punches Romeo) LIVE, DAMNIT!!!!!!!Romeo: I no wanna...Nurse & Friar Lawrence: (beats up Romeo 'till he agrees to live)Romeo: Okay okay Romeo live!Nurse: Good! Then u come see her latah baaaaaaaaai!!!!!!! Romeo: See her?Nurse: YES SEE THE WAIFU O U!!! (Leaves normally)Romeo: (Is waiting for something odd to happen)(Nothing odd happens)Romeo: ...What has happened to this world?
SPAGHETTI FUR: BAD PARENTING!!!!!
(Enter Paris and Lady Capulet)Paris: Where’s Juliet’s dad?Lady Capulet: With Montague.Paris: Why?Lady Capulet: They are having gay hate sex.(Not being subtle at all yay)Paris: Oh. (Pause) …Still? They're STILL at it?Lady Capulet: Yep.(Enter Capulet, exhausted)Capulet: Hah… Hah… WHEW!!!! (Unusually happy) WOW, THAT was a GOOD fight!! One of the best ones yet!!Lady Capulet: You can tell me all about it later. Not now. Later.Paris: Um… yeah, okay. So… Can I marry Juliet?Capulet: Sure I'll go beat her up to make sure she agrees.Paris: Ok byeCapulet: Byeeeeeeeee!!
Soup Feet: Savage Furry
(Enter Juliet dressed in a colorful dog fursuit and Romeo wearing a kitty cat fursuit)Juliet: DON’T GO, ROMEO!!Romeo: (Dramatic stare into the distance with wind) I must go, my love. It is too dangerous for us if I stay.Juliet: (Hugs him) But eye luv yeeeeeeew!!Romeo: I love you too, my puppy. But I must go.Juliet: EH, EYE crie…(Enter Nurse)Nurse: Romeo!Romeo: Eh?Nurse: Go away and die. (Leaves)Romeo: … Eye crie. (Hangs head and leaves)Juliet: Byeeeeeeeeeee!Romeo: byeeeeeeeee! (Gone)(Enter Lady Capulet)Lady Capulet: “Ho, daughter, are you up?”(actual quote)Juliet: I’m not a hoe. Romeo’s a hoe.Lady Capulet: (laughs) You're so right, hoe! Ahahahahaaaaa…! Why are you wearing a fursuit?Juliet: I-Lady Capulet: (cuts her off by pointing to a dragon dildo) And why is there a dragon dildo on your bed?Juliet: ...It’s a decoration.Lady Capulet: …Anywat! You sad bout Tybalt's deadedness?Juliet: no. ...I mean yes.Lady Capulet: I will poison Romeo for this.Juliet: Can I do that?Lady Capulet: SURE THING, MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE HELLSPAWN!!! HAVE AT IT!! Oh, also, you're gettin married to Paris, k? K!Juliet: (Punches Lady Capulet) NO!Lady Capulet: Tell yo father dat.Juliet: I will.(Enter Nurse)Juliet: (Grabs Nurse) FATHER, YOU MISERABLE LITTLE MAGGOT, I SWEAR TO THE DARK LORD SATAN, PRAISE BE TO HIM, THAT IF YOU GIVE ME AWAY AND MAKE ME MARRY THAT VILE, UGLY, DISGUSTING WRETCH PARIS I WILL- Oh, wrong person. (Lets the Nurse go) Sorry ‘bout that.Nurse: Eye crie… (goes and curls up in a corner and cries)(Enter Capulet)Capulet: Helloooooooo there, wife!! What say Juliet?Lady Capulet: You don’t want to know what she say.Capulet: (To Juliet) What say you?Juliet: (Clears throat and draws in a big breath, then Capulet punches her in the gut and she falls)Capulet: You gon’ say no, aren't you?Juliet: Owww….Capulet: YOU BETRAY ME, CHILD. (Kicks her) YOU MARRY PARIS.Juliet: NO.Capulet: YES.Juliet: NO.Capulet: YES.Juliet: NO.Capulet: YES.Juliet: NO!!Capulet: YES!!!! (Leaves)Lady Capulet: ...“You are too hot.”(Actual quote) If only you weren't gay. (Leaves too)Juliet: (To Nurse) Help?Nurse: Eye still crie… (Still crying in the corner)Juliet: You're useless. (Prays) JESUS!!!(Enter Jesus)Jesus: Peace be with you.Juliet: And with your spirit. Help?Jesus: Jesus can’t help you, girl. You're screwed. (Leaves)Juliet: … Eye crie. (Sits next to Nurse and cries with her)
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Smoot WaaaaaaaaaaAAaaaa: WOW LOOKIT THIS DUDE
(Enter Paris and Friar Lawrence)Paris: Hellooooooo!Friar Lawrence: Yo, man! You can't use da greeting! U no Capulet! Dat greeting be copyrighted, bro!Paris: Imma be a Capulet Thursday! ‘Cuz Imma marry Juliet!Friar Lawrence: ...Dat nice, dawg. But lemme give ya some advice: don’t.Paris: I wanna though.Friar Lawrence: Kid, ya should think this through betta!Paris: I’ve thought it through enough.Friar Lawrence: (Aside) Ya thought it through ‘bout as much as Romeo did an’ ya see how well DATS workin’ out for ‘im…(Enter Juliet)Juliet: Helloooooo- (sees Paris) Ew, what is THAT doing here? (To Friar) This is a holy place, Friar. You shouldn't let that thing in here. It’ll ruin the holiness and bring evil and satanic corruption to this place. SIN.Paris: I’m not evil.Juliet: I think an exorcism is in order.Paris: I’m not evil!Juliet: Denial will not save you, demon.Paris: I’m not a demon!! I’m your husband!Juliet: No you're not.Paris: Well, not YET.Juliet: …I’m busy trying to confess my sins, demon boy. Shoo.Paris: Ok. (Kisses her and runs away)Juliet: …WOW, he’s a terrible kisser. He can’t even do a decent french kiss and he’s Paris. That's just pathetic.Friar Lawrence: Paris be a lame ol’ city anyways, dawg.Juliet: Yeah. …FRIAR LAWRENCE!!!Friar Lawrence: I’M HERE, DAWG WAZZAAAAAH?!Juliet: I don’t wanna marry dat gut.Friar Lawrence: I d’wanna marry ya to him either, dawg.Juliet: Give me a way to fix this situation or I’ll sacrifice you to the Dark Lord. (Shows him a red crystal dagger) I’ll then kill myself.Friar Lawrence: DAMN, dawg!! Calm yo titties, gurl, I help! Here's watcha gotta do. Don’t let ya Nurse lie with ya tonight!Juliet: I have never laid her.Friar Lawrence: Gurl, ya should know better than ta lie to a Friar! Aw, c'mon, girl! Jesus is here!(Enter Jesus)Jesus: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Juliet & Friar Lawrence: And with your spirit.Jesus: (Spreads arms and collapses. No one cares anymore)Friar Lawrence: (Takes out a vial of poison) Ya know wat this be, dawg?Juliet: …Some kind of adult toy?Friar Lawrence: NO, it’s poison that's gon’ make ya look like ded butt knot!!Juliet: PAHFECT!!! (Takes vial) MINE! TANKS FRIAR!!!! I LUV YEW!!! BYEEEEEEE!!!(Runs away, stepping on Jesus as she leaves)
Squishy Toes: Suck Hold Sin Dome
(Enter Capulet, Nurse and a Servingman)Capulet: (to servingmen) DO THINGS TO PLAN FOR THE PARTY.Servingmen: WE WILL MAKE SURE TO HIRE PEEPS WHO LICK FINGERS GOOD. (Leaves)Capulet: PERFECT!! Juliet will love to have all the peeps licking her goods at the wedding! (To Nurse) Were mah daughter at?Nurse: FRIAR LAWRENCE’S CELL.Capulet: Oh, the friar imprisoned my child. That's fine because he’s holy.(Enter Juliet)Nurse: Oh look he set her free. That's very different than what’s going on with Lady Montague.(Enter Lady Montague, no longer tied up)Lady Montague: Someone calling me?Nurse: (gives her a feather duster) Dust for us, slave.Lady Montague: Okaaaaaay! (Dusts the Nurse happily)Juliet: …Poor woman has Stockholm syndrome it looks like.Lady Montague: Suck hold sin dome? Where’s that? Can I visit it?Nurse: Sure, follow me. (Leads her away)Capulet: …Traitor. (Doesn't really care) …JULIET YOU’RE MARRYING PARIS TOMORROW NOW.Juliet: DAMN THAT WAS FAST OKAY GOD. MOTHER, DIE IN A FIRE. (Leaves)Lady Capulet: HARSH. (Leaves, taking a candle with her)Capulet: (Long silence) …Oh look I’m alone. …MONTAGUE!!! (Runs away to find Montague)
Sdfghjkl THORNZ: Pooooooooooooisooooooooooooon!
(Enter Juliet and Nurse)Juliet: Nurse, get your old fat booty outta mah way.(Enter Lady Capulet)Lady Capulet: “What, are you busy, ho?”(Actual quote)Juliet: I’m no hoe. Romeo’s a hoe. I don't till weeds. Both o’ y’all should GTFO.Lady Capulet: You sound like Friar Lawrence almost. (Grabs the Nurse’s hair and drags her away)Juliet: …I’ll never see them again. Good. They're hoes anyway. And not the Romeo kind of hoe. The boring ones. (Takes vial of poison out and looks at it) What if this doesn't work? …I has dagger. (Takes out dagger and puts it on her table) What if the poison kill me? …I has Romeo. What if I wake up before Romeo finds me? …I has more poison. What if he never shows up? …I has more poison. What if I see a dead Tybalt coming to have Romeo keel-ed?(Enter ghost of Tybalt)Tybalt: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)Juliet: …I has poison. (Drinks poison and does a roundhouse kick then falls onto the bed with her body all contorted strangely like one of those creepy 3D animations that don’t follow logic well)
Sacred Failure: FORGETFUL LETTUCE
(Enter Lady Capulet and Nurse)Lady Capulet: I have anal rage.Nurse: You understand my pain.(Enter Capulet)Capulet: My butt hurts.Lady Capulet: You're always butt hurt.Capulet: Wha?Nurse: You DO have a fine booty.Capulet: Thank you. I certainly do. Montague thinks so too. How's the preparations going for mah Juliet’s wedding?Lady Capulet: The flowers are starting to wilt.Nurse: I really, REALLY gotta poop.Capulet: Lady Montague!(Enter Lady Montague)Lady Montague: YES MASTER?!Capulet: Go kill my daughter.Nurse: …Capulet: …Oops, I mean go get her for me.Lady Montague: OKAY! (Gets on the ground and rolls off to find Juliet)
Sandwich Fabulous: MY CHUNKY MAID CRIME ROD SUCK
(Juliet laying dead still. Enter Lady Montague)Lady Montague: JULIEEEEET! WAKE!!!!!!Juliet: I’m dead.Lady Montague: She dead?!Juliet: I’m dead.Lady Montague: She dead!(Enter Nurse)Nurse: What happened?Juliet: I'm dead.Lady Montague: She dead!Nurse: She dead!?Juliet: I'm dead.Lady Montague: She dead!Nurse: She dead!(Enter Lady Capulet)Lady Capulet: Wut happened?Juliet: I'm dead.Lady Montague: She dead!Nurse: She dead!Lady Capulet: She dead?!Lady Montague: She dead!Nurse: She dead!Juliet: I'm dead.Nurse: She so dead!(Enter Capulet)Capulet: Wut happened?Juliet: I'm dead.Lady Montague: She dead!Nurse: She dead!Lady Capulet: She dead!Capulet: She dead?!Juliet: I'm dead.Lady Montague: She dead!Nurse: She dead!Lady Capulet: She dead!Capulet: She dead!(Enter Friar Lawrence)Friar Lawrence: Wut happened?Juliet: I'm dead.Lady Montague: She dead!Nurse: She dead!Lady Capulet: She dead!Capulet: She dead!Friar Lawrence: She dead?!Juliet: I'm dead.Lady Montague: She dead!Nurse: She dead!Lady Capulet: She dead!Capulet: She dead!Friar Lawrence: She dead! Be happy!Capulet: No!Friar Lawrence: Ok.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Absorbing Frame
Spark Wrong: LIKE EIGHT AUTHENTIC CHAOTIC FEUDAL BURNINGS
(Romeo sleeping. Enter Balthasar)Balthasar: Hiya, Romeo!Romeo: (Suddenly wakes up and gasps when he sees Balthasar) YOU!!! (Cries and hugs Balthasar) BACTERIA!!! YOURE BACK!!!!!!!Balthasar: My name's Balthasar, not bacteria...Romeo: ROMEO MISSED YEW, BANANA!!!!Balthasar: I'm not a banana... I'm Balthasar...Romeo: I mean ROMEO MISSED YEW, BAPTISM!!!!!Balthasar: I give up... Curse you for giving me this name, mother! Or father! I'm not quite sure who named me. ...Also, Juliet's dead.(Peeps show up)Friar Lawrence: She dead!Nurse: She dead!Capulet: She dead!Lady Capulet: she dead!Lady Montague: She dead!(Capulets and Lady Montague run away)Romeo: Imma die nao...(Enter Apothecary)Apothecary: I has poison.Romeo: Give me poison.Apothecary: No.Romeo: Yes.Apothecary: Ok. (Gives poison) Have fun. (Dies)Romeo: YAY I’ll go die too now! (Skips away)
Stoop Tar: EVER LIKED ABRUPT EMPTY MELTED BUTTER EGGS?
(Enter Friar John and Friar Lawrence)Friar John: “HOLY FRANCISCAN FRIAR!!!! BROTHER, HO!!!”(Actual quote, except exaggerated)Friar Lawrence: Sup Friar John, dawg, homie, mah hoe! You gave dose letters to Romeo, yeah?Friar John: No.Friar Lawrence: ...What?Friar John: I'm sick. They weren't important, right?Friar Lawrence: Man, you a friar idiot! (Leafs)Friar John: Sowwy...
Smelly Theory: O, TABOO ANNOYING HELLISH AUNT OATMEAL!
(Enter Paris and Page)Paris: (creepily creeping like a creeper around Juliet's creepy tomb. Creepy.)Page: You creepy.Paris: Go do things.Page: (goes and does things)Paris: Waaaaaaaat? I'm not the only creepy creeper? (Creepily creeps into a bush. Creepily.)(Enter Romeo and Balthasar)Romeo: (looks at Balthasar) Bazooka, leaf. Or I keel yew.Balthasar: Y u nevah get meh name rite?Romeo: Butt plug! Leaf!(Balthasar leafs. Aka he leaves)Paris: (creepily creeps from the creepy bush)Romeo: (opens tomb) Hiya, lantern!Paris: (creepily creeps up to Romeo)Romeo: (is holding sword. He yawns and stretches, so Paris is keel-ed.)Paris: (died-ed)Romeo: SO this b fum! Imma die! Yaaaaay! (Runs into tomb) Hiya, dead people! Imma be with you now! (Drinks poison an died-ed)Dead Rosaline: (Groans) Oh my god a furry just died in here. I’m dead but even the dead doesn't want to be dead here. (Looks at Dead Maleon) C’mon, Maleon. Let's go be dead somewhere else. (Gets up and walks away)Dead Maleon: Agreed, Rosaline. (Gets up and follows her, carrying red strings with him)(Enter Friar Lawrence)Friar Lawrence: Oh no, man! Romeo dead!Romeo: I'm dead.Juliet: (wakes up) Wut happened?Romeo: I'm dead.Juliet: …Shi-Friar Lawrence: (Cuts her off) I go get help, gurl! Don’t die!! (Leaves)Juliet: No! I wanna die! (Kisses dead Romeo. From off stage, someone shouts “NECROPHILIA!!!!!”) Juliet sad... Oh look a dagger! BLEH!! (Stabs self and dies)(Everyone shows up)Capulet: Dead peoples... (looks around) …Where's Rosaline’s dead body?Balthasar: It got up and walked away.Capulet: And that other guy… what's his name… Male?Balthasar: Maleon?Capulet: Yeah, him.Balthasar: He also walked away.Capulet: Oh okay.Friar Lawrence: I esplain! Ahem! Ya kids doopadeepeed and killed themselves.Capulet: …Shi-Prince: (Cuts him off) You all cursed. Bye. (Leafs)Montague: I sorry, Capulet...Capulet: I sorry too... (Capulet and Montague kiss and make out)Lady Capulet: Can’t you guys at least go back to TRYING to hide your gayness?Capulet: Can you girls at least TRY to hide YOUR gayness?Lady Capulet: (looks at Lady Montague and the Nurse) …Fair enough.Montague: (Looks at Lady Montague) …Oh, its my wife. I forgot about you.Lady Montague: Who you?Montague: …No one you need to know about now. Our kids died so now we can be openly gay with each other. Yay! (Everyone claps and cheers and runs off to make out)
Scene Foo: Now there’s an EPICLOGUE!!!! Title is SINEP MODNOC AMABO!
(Enter Satan in Hell)Satan: …I AM SATAN, THE KING OF HELL.(Enter Romeo and Juliet)Satan: Oh shi-Romeo: (Cuts him off) It’s hot in here.Satan: You're in Hell. I’m the king. (Points to the Devil’s Throne) See? That's mine.Juliet: I wanna put my butt in that chair.Satan: No.(Enter Benvolio, with a pie)Benvolio: Hiya!Romeo: Oh look. It’s Benvolio. What's on your pie today?Benvolio: It says “’pie’ rhymes with ‘die’ so this is a die pie.” This pie killed me.Romeo: Oh. That explains why you're here. In Hell.(Enter Mercutio)Mercutio: HI IM MERCUTIO AND I HAVE AN AMAZING PRODUCT FOR YOU! DO YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF THINKING "HMM... I REALLY NEED A BUTT, BUT I ALSO NEED A BOOB." SO WHY NOT HAVE BOTH? INTRODUCING THE BUTTBOOB!!! FOR WHEN YOU NEED A BUTT AND ALSO A BOOB!!!Romeo: MERCUTIO!!Juliet: Shut up.Mercutio: Oh hey, is that a chair?! (Goes to the Devil’s Throne) It looks like my butt would be so comfy in this chair!Benvolio: Wait… did you say it’s a chair?! (Kneels before the throne) OH MY GOD CHAIR!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!! CHAIR!!! IT’S JUST AS CHAIRS ARE DESCRIBED IN THE LEGENDS!!! I MUST PUT MY BUTT ON IT!!!Satan: NO!(Enter Rosaline)Rosaline: Hey bit- oh my god is that a chair?!Satan: GET AWAY FROM THE DEVIL’S THRONE!!!Rosaline: I MUST SIT ON THAT CHAIR!!! (Goes to the chair and Benvolio, Mercutio and Rosaline and fight to sit in the throne. They beat up Mercutio, who cowers behind Romeo, then Benvolio and Rosaline settle for both of them sitting in it at the same time. Then they scream in pain and fall off, dead(Again))Satan: I warned them.Romeo: What happened to them?Satan: They died a second time.Romeo: What happens to them after they die after they die?Satan: Reincarnation.Romeo: That sounds like fun! (Goes to sit on the Devil’s Throne) Juliet! Come sit with me! Then we can live again!Satan: I didn't say you were brought back to life as the same person. You usually forget your past life after reincarnation.Romeo: Oh, well fu- (Screams and dies again)Juliet: …Oh. (Looks at Satan) Wanna doopadeepee with me?Satan: No, you're a furry.Juliet: So are you.Satan: HOW DID YOU KNOW OH POOPBALLS MY REPUTATION IS DEAD!!! (Jumps off stage into the audience and dies)Juliet: …He’s dead. …Huh. (Claps) Yay Lord Satan died! Now I can go to Heaven!Mercutio: No you can’t.Juliet: Well, why not?Mercutio: The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are having a conversation.(Enter the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, walking across the stage)Father: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Son: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Holy Spirit: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Father: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Son: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Holy Spirit: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Father: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Son: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Holy Spirit: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Father: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Son: PEACE BE WITH YOU.Holy Spirit: PEACE BE WITH YOU.(Exit Father, Son and Holy Spirit)Mercutio: Until one of them says "and with your spirit," Heaven's off limits.Juliet: Oh.(Enter Tybalt)Tybalt: Oh, hellooooo Juliet.Juliet: Hiya Tybee!Tybalt: (Offended) That’s the Montague hello!!Juliet: I am a Montague! I married Romeo!Tybalt: …You could've done better.Juliet: No I couldn't.(Enter Paris)Paris: Um, hi?Juliet: Who you?Paris: Eye crie. (leaves)Tybalt: Romeo kissed me and then killed me!Juliet: He did WHAT?! I knew he was gay.Mercutio: Actually, you killed yourself after Romeo kissed you.Tybalt: Well, any person would kill themselves after Romeo kisses them.Juliet: I didn't.Tybalt: Actually, you did.Juliet: Oh. …Right. I did. (Long pause) … (looks at Mercutio) You a hoe?Mercutio: No.Juliet: Wanna doopedeepee?Mercutio: Yes.Juliet: (To Tybalt) Wanna doopadeepee?Tybalt: I have standards.Juliet: …Mercutio: …Tybalt: Okay fine. (They all leave together. Juliet looks back at the Devil’s Throne for a moment before leaving)[…Ahem. Hello there, kind audience. So, that's the story of Juliet the hellspawn and Romeo the furry. Hope you enjoyed! I’m shocked you all stuck around as long as you did. Are you suicidal yet? You should be. …Hey look, there's no more king of Hell ‘cuz Satan’s dead! Ain't that great? Who’s gonna take that throne? Maybe Juliet. She's Satan’s daughter after all. Whoo! Y’all enjoy life, ya hear? See ya soon, friends!]