Work Text
loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
jungkook thinks jimin loves him and takes care of him with a heavy heart. never knowing where he stands with him, maybe he can be at fault for that - he was never good with words.jungkook thinks jimin loves and takes care of him with a heavy heart because he knows that he himself loves jimin with one. everyone can see the love jungkook has for the older boy, except jimin himself. he can't see it in the way jungkook takes pictures of him, records him, purposely makes him laugh. he can't see it in the way jungkook's eyes find him naturally, or how he automatically brightens whenever he's near.jungkook sees it now as he lays on the couch with him after a long day of schedules. jimin sits close, but far at the same time and jungkook thinks it's his own mind making that up for him. jimin is never too far from him, always close incase he needs him, which is always. jimin is always willing to push aside his pain or thoughts for anyone else close to him and it seems jungkook has been the exception when that pain borders onto heartbreak.he watches jimin lock his phone, looking towards him and he already knows. the tension is always there, the air thick, waiting for one of them to say the words that always hang in the air between them but he knows none of them are brave enough to say them - not yet.and when jimin passes by him, running his fingers through his hair gently and murmuring a quiet night kookie he would be quick to follow him to sleep in his room because he can get away with it, jimin would let him in a heartbeat. but he doesn't want that tonight. lately every time he playfully pushes jimin away, jokes around with him and sees his face fall, it hurts more than it did before.jungkook would never let jimin see it, see how he carefully admires him every time he's around. how every time he picks up his phone or camera, he's admiring him through the lens, putting all his effort into creating tiny memories into a larger one. it's painful to love jimin, but that's all he can do.
but it's the only thing that i know
jungkook is young, at least by the standards of society so he thinks he doesn't know much about love.but if he were to describe love, he would put jimin's entire existence under the word as a definition just because he thinks jimin is love personified.jungkook admittedly doesn't know much about love, but jimin is the only one he learned to love despite him thinking it's wrong for him to love him as more than a friend because that's what everyone says anyways - that it's wrong to love someone in the same group as you let alone someone of the same gender. but if there's one thing jungkook learned, it's to not listen to those people that it's okay to love him and he allowed himself to.the only problem is, he may have allowed himself to love him too late. he doesn't just see the difference in their relationship but he feels it too. how jimin tries his best to distance himself, how he doesn't search for jungkook to tease and play around with like he used to and he doesn't know how to react to it. he's always gotten jimin's attention without really trying or asking for it, maybe he took it for granted. maybe he played himself like a fool because now that he actually wants it, he can't get it.how do you stop loving someone you've loved since you knew what love is, slip away from you like nothing?
when it gets hard, and it can get hard sometimes. but it's the only thing that makes us feel alive
loving jimin is hard sometimes. especially when he watches him be hard on himself for things he has no control over. it hurts more when he can't do anything about it because jimin has been so far from him for so long it feels like a wall has been built between them.so he watches the rest of the members form a group around him when he stumbles while practicing for the second time that night while he tries his best to nonchalantly gather his things. he can feel eyes on him, probably questioning, but he can deal with that and answer their questions later.jungkook tries his best to ignore everyone's eyes as he places his bottle of water next to jimin. since he can't see anyone's eyes when he turns his back he completely misses how jimin thoughtfully looks at him and how taehyung raises his eyebrows at the gesture.it's a habit - jungkook trying his best to take care of his hyungs. especially if it's jimin, no matter how hard it is to not stick around and take care of him some more.he tries to breathe through the feeling of longing in his chest as he walks back to the dorms.
we keep this love in a photograph, we make these memories for ourselves
many people think jungkook isn't good at expressing himself and they're not exactly wrong. taehyung had told him once but then reassured him that the little things he does speak volumes. whatever the case, it got jungkook thinking. he figures if he isn't good with expressing himself with his words - he can with his pictures and videos.investing in a camera is both the worst and best decision he's made in his life. best because he can capture everything he wants to remember, everything he loves so he can keep it for himself forever. whenever he's with namjoon or yoongi in the studio and they're in their element and inspired, jungkook can't help but take a picture of their concentration. after all, they're two of the people he looks up to and he finds it motivating to see how hard they work.or when he's in the dance studio with hoseok as he runs through different pieces of choreography, trying to see what fits and what doesn't - he snaps pictures of his every movement almost in awe of how powerful and how he can make things look so easy through dancing and he can't help but hope he can look just as good as he does one day.and when he's with seokjin and taehyung, seeing how much taehyung loves the elder through his teasing and how seokjin responds with a light tease back or with a stare that leaves taehyung either laughing or with flushed cheeks. jungkook thinks that one day he'll have to show them the pictures he takes if they continue being that oblivious.but whenever he's with jimin, he never notices when he takes a picture of him, he never notices how drawn he is to him that he can't help but capture him in that exact moment and keep it for himself. he just finds him so beautiful, that everything he does he just has to remember and he does... remember. not only with his camera, but with his mind.when jungkook shows jimin two tickets to tokyo he wishes he captured the complete shock and happiness on his face, even though he remembers it very vividly, and how hard he tried to contain his excitement afterwards but ended up failing. after all, he'd been waiting to go on a trip with him and jungkook is nothing if not indulgent.the hug jimin gives him afterwards is something he'll never forget. he can never forget how warm and safe he felt for those two seconds he was in his arms, could never forget how he had to avoid his eyes to hide how red he was from it. jimin was grateful, jungkook felt accomplished, that's all that mattered.jungkook had his camera on jimin the entire time. after they arrived at the airport and jungkook had told him "hyung, i'm gonna record you," and jimin didn't protest, he had his lens on him for the majority if not the entire trip. jungkook could have sworn that's when and how he had fallen deeper because this is the jimin he loves the most, the jimin he fell in love with. the jimin that isn't worried about how he looks or acts, the jimin that's not scripted by the cameras that surround him, that's his jimin. and as jungkook records him walking throughout the streets of tokyo, eating food, smiling at his surroundings, all he can think is how beautiful his jimin is.it's what brings him about the worst part about having his camera. when he sits back at their dorms after their trip, looking through and trying to put together a video to show how much fun they had, how much fun jimin had with him - he struggles to decide which clips he should and shouldn't use. the problem about him pouring his feelings through his videos and pictures is that it makes him vulnerable. that's his heart out on the open for everyone to see and as he watches the videos he has, it's all jimin. jimin being happy, jimin being himself, jimin being carefree and that's jungkook saying that all jungkook can see is him.jungkook decides to share it with everyone because even though it makes him vulnerable and out in the open, it would be a crime to not show how beautiful jimin is when he's care, worry and stress free. the real jimin, his.
where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken and times forever frozen still
Jungkook-ah, if hyung kew that you would edit so cooly I would have dressed up and not acted all goofy. Hyung will dress nicer next time. Thank you for making the video, you've worked hard #JIMIN #Kkook
jungkook reads over the words about a hundred times, feeling his heart race and stop all at once. even when jimin emerges from his room, sending him his signature eye smile, he doesn't know how to react. all he knows is that jimin saw his video, liked it, saw how jungkook portrayed him - saw what's truly in his heart.jungkook wishes jimin would notice how he laid his heart out on a silver platter, but a part of him hopes he doesn't catch onto it yet, the part of him that's scared of what might happen when he finally does notice. so you can keep me, inside the pocket of your ripped jeans, holding me closer till our eyes meet, you won't ever be alone jungkook loves his camera and takes it with him wherever and whenever he can and records his memories, takes pictures of them - but really jimin is the same probably even worse than jungkook with his constant recording and keeping of his memories. taehyung constantly tells him he's just a little memory keeper. the difference between them though is that jimin doesn't always share his memories with everyone, he isn't brave like jungkook is.no. the pictures he takes, the polaroids he chooses to hang are nothing compared to what he keeps in his little box under his bed, hidden away just like he does with his feelings - his heart.when he walks into taehyung's room that night, dropping the two polaroids he took of jungkook on his bed, he already knows what he's going to say; how his eyes are going to soften when he looks at them.jimin had thought he looked beautiful. he wasn't paying attention, probably not even aware jimin was taking a picture of him. jungkook had decided to dye his hair a bright shade of red and he suited it well. he was talking about the ocean view, reaching for his camera when he snapped the picture - but he still looked effortlessly handsome. the second picture though, jungkook had looked more aware. he was looking at the camera with soft eyes and a small smile jimin liked to believe was for him only."more to add to your collection?" taehyung teases, but his voice is soft. he knows how much jimin's pictures mean to him, how he not only catches the moment but also how he feels during it."it isn't a collection," jimin pouts, taking the pictures and slipping them back in his pocket. "i just like-""having things for yourself. i know."jimin glares at his best friend but he hardly means it. the silence that follows is heavy and jimin knows it's because he's thinking so much. taehyung doesn't say anything about it, just there as a comforting presence."you know he feels the same, jiminie."jimin scoffs and it sounds painful to his own ears. "even if that were true, i can't force him to admit it."taehyung frowns at jimin's words, wishing he could tell him what jungkook has vented to him before, but he isn't that kind of friend. jimin deserves to hear it from jungkook and jungkook has the right to be able to tell jimin what he feels himself."he'll come to you soon," taehyung says gently, "he'll come back home."that night when jimin puts the two polaroids in his box glancing at the others he has briefly, he wonders to himself when exactly jungkook will come back home to him. wonders where he, they, went wrong in not admitting their feelings - how much longer he has to wait.jimin isn't a big fan of stripping himself bare and vulnerable especially when he already feels like that because of the life he lives, but he still lets himself pick a picture he took of jungkook off guard that was meant for himself to put in their summer package book with the caption Photo by JIMIN - he'd let the rest speak for itself.he figures if jungkook can lay himself bare for him, he can do the same.
and if you hurt me, that's okay baby only words bleed
jungkook could pinpoint exactly when their dynamic and relationship had changed.words hurt, yes. but they hurt more when they come from the person you least expect. sure, jimin was tired, drained from a long day of schedules - jungkook could forgive that. there have been countless of times where he'd snapped unintentionally at the members or jimin himself due to that. but it had still hurt, still stung him to the point that even jimin had left the studio, the heat of his words were still simmering in his heart.they had been alone and to put it simply, jimin had been tired of guessing where he stood with jungkook one day to the next. it had come right after jungkook didn't say much to him for the duration of the day but to be fair, he hadn't said much to anybody. he was battling with himself internally, wondering why he couldn't be as open with his feelings as jimin could be when he shut him out for the day. but jimin couldn't have possibly known that.so when jimin had frustratingly said, "i don't understand you. i'm not some toy to play with. you hang out with me, sleep in my bed, and then the next day i don't even exist to you. is that fun?" jungkook had responded with a raised brow and bitter laugh when he really just wanted to pull jimin in his arms and let him see what's in his heart."really? because i don't ask for you to always hang off of me. it's annoying." he hadn't meant it. but jimin didn't know that either."then i won't hang off of you anymore," jimin had sounded so defeated, jungkook just wanted to hold him until all the negative thoughts and feelings he put there himself melted away. "i'm sorry that i just like spending time with you the most. i'm sorry for being annoying. it won't happen again, jungkook-ah."even if jungkook had a response, jimin didn't let him say it. he had his bag on his arm and was out the studio right after. jungkook wondered with an empty heart if jimin knew he carried half of jungkook with him.but he didn't. how could he know?
inside these pages you just hold me, you won't ever be alone
it's tense. of course it is. jimin barley looks at him and it's worse when everyone else picks up on the tension. none of them know and jungkook selfishly wishes that one of them - any of them were there to witness it so at least then, one of them would be forced to talk to the other. but without that motivation only silence awaits. jungkook was never brave to begin with, especially when it came to jimin.so he has to watch like an outsider how everyone is able to interact with jimin but him. how everyone looks at him sympathetically but jungkook doesn't want that, he just wants jimin.when it hits the first week without him hearing jimin's voice or even being in his presence, that's when jungkook knows he fucked up. he doesn't know if it's better or worse that they don't have any schedules, he doesn't know if he'd be able to handle jimin acting like normal with him just to get the cold shoulder behind closed doors.when he's had enough, he makes his way to taehyung's room. if jimin told anyone it would be him and he's proven right when as soon as he opens the door, taehyung drops his phone to the bed and says, "you're an idiot."jungkook can't find it in him to whine like he usually would or even say anything back because this time, he agrees. this time he actually sees how much of an idiot he's been so he just accepts it, closing the door behind him. "what do i do?"if i tell you, i wouldn't be a good friend to jimin,"this time he does whine, "i'm your friend too!" taehyung laughs but he seems to ponder over it for a moment and all jungkook does is pout like a child while he waits."nice try, you're on your own for this one."jungkook continues pouting, listening to taehyung's laugh. he supposes if he messed up, he should be the one to initiate anything first.
wait for me to come home
although jungkook has been and spent more of his time in jimin's room rather than his own, he feels like he's disrupting his privacy right now and he has the sudden urge to just walk away and wallow in his own self pity. maybe it's the knowledge of how he shouldn't be in his room in the first place - but if he needs to make it up to jimin he should do it his own way, he just needs some hints-he feels himself kick a box near jimin's bed, it's a small little thing, something he thinks jimin keeps his rings or some of his necklaces in. so when he picks it up to give it a little shake and barley hears anything, he's confused. he doesn't think much of it, opening it and oh.oh. he really is an idiot.pictures of him, of them. all in that little box that jimin keeps. most are recent but he sees some that have been taken two years ago, pictures he doesn't even remember seeing him take and he kept them all for himself, why?then taehyung's words you're an idiot ring in his head and jungkook just realizes.so jimin does love jungkook with a heavy heart. he never knows where he stands with him and all of the pictures he takes, the memories he keeps for himself are for him to try and decipher on his own. and jungkook has been oblivious this whole time.
wait for me to come home
when jungkook thinks back to the days where they were all just trainees, not knowing how far they'd go, where they'd end up, he remembers jimin always being there for him. always being his rock, his home away from home.that hasn't changed. jimin still has the same comforting aura he did from years ago, he's still the same person jungkook would go to whenever he's feeling homesick or just needs to feel safe and now he wants nothing more than to go back - go back home.
wait for me to come home
so the difference between him and jimin is that jimin keeps his memories for himself, just so he can try and find out what those memories exactly are for him and what they were for jungkook. jungkook keeps all his memories, captures all of these moments because he knows exactly what they are to him. he leaves himself bare for everyone and the one person he left himself bare for, didn't even know.
wait for me to come home
jungkook does what he does best: capture memories. except, this time, he isn't hiding anymore. he isn't keeping everything he feels inside anymore. if he's going to leave himself bare for jimin, he'll have jimin himself see it.but after an apology."where's jimin?" he asks knowing one of them will answer. they're all trying to help taehyung and namjoon with one part of the new choreography that they just can't get and jungkook can't even blame them because it took him a few tries to at least not want to blow his head off because of it."uh, he's in the studio recording something," namjoon answers, frowning when hoseok readjusts his arms and tells him to fix his posture. jungkook bites back a smile watching them before walking down the next hall over to find jimin.he hears him before he sees him and the smile that makes its way across jungkook's face is only a natural reaction to the sweet sound. he opens the door and lets himself in before any of the staff walk down and find him smiling like an idiot outside jimin's studio.jimin stops singing right away and he looks exhausted. "tae, i told you-"jungkook drops a bag of food (jimin's favorite sweets) on the nearest couch and jimin doesn't need to know he literally ran down the street to get them even though he hates going out unless it's necessary, that's his business. the surprise on his face is worth it though."i'm sorry," jungkook awkwardly says, nearly stumbling when jimin's face hardens for a second. "for what happened a week ago and for not saying anything until now-""you hurt me." jimin's voice is soft. jungkook would much rather he yell at him than softly tell him that he's hurt because he doesn't know what hurts more, his heart or the stinging at the back of his eyes. "i thought we got past this love hate relationship thing.""we did! hyung, we did. i promise.""then why?" jimin doesn't look mad anymore, but confused. like he's ready to right all the wrongs he ever did, he thinks he ever did.leaving himself bare. "i'm not good with words." jimin just stares at him, jungkook cowers a bit. "i'm still not the best at responding to all your affections and when we were arguing, i didn't mean anything i said i just... don't like being put on the spot. but the truth is, i'm really just not that great at expressing myself but i'm trying. i'm sorry." he takes a shaky breath, "i like you a lot, hyung."jungkook hopes jimin doesn't understand the extent of his confession, but he wants him to at the same time. but when jimin just slouches with a sigh and says, "okay." jungkook knows he doesn't, he feels both light and heavy.
oh you can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen
jungkook's apology goes a long way. when jimin randomly backhugs him, he doesn't do anything but stand there with warm cheeks and a warm heart. when he coos over him on stage or in front of the members he just whines a quiet hyung until jimin is smiling at him with those beautiful eyes that jungkook sputters. when he picks up the camera, he automatically focuses it on jimin. sometimes he's too obvious to the point namjoon has to nudge him but it isn't unkind, whenever he turns to look at him he has a teasing but encouraging smile on his face and when he looks at the rest of his members, they have the same face and jungkook is left to wonder; how long have they known?
next to your heartbeat where i should be, keep it deep within your soul
"'s not a necklace like you wanted, but... happy birthday, hyung."they're both sat in the studio, it's past midnight, jungkook doesn't know. he watches as jimin gingerly takes the little velvet box from jungkook's hand, opening it to reveal the simple silver ring that matches jungkook's own that he wears on his finger. that finger doesn't go unnoticed to jimin as he glances at said finger before taking the ring out of the box and sliding it onto his own.jimin looks up at jungkook with stars in his eyes, jungkook could count the eyelashes on his eyes with how close he is. he feels a sudden warmth on his hand and it only takes him a second to figure out that jimin took his hand into his own."thank you for the gift, jungkookie."i love you he wants to say. "anything for you." is what he actually says.
and if you hurt me, well that's okay baby only words bleed
"you have to tell him.""why?"taehyung sighs from where he stands next to jungkook, sparing a glance at the younger boy. he looks conflicted, like he knows this can go both ways. "honesty? ever heard of it?"jungkook rolls his eyes but his shoulders slump. "he's going to be mad. those pictures were for him. he's going to think that everything i did was out of pity or that it wasn't real." he lets out a sigh. "if he ever saw the pictures of him that he already didn't see, i wouldn't be able to live it down either."taehyung understands, of course he does. he takes pictures, loves to as much as the other two do. which is why he's left stumped on how to respond. he lays a comforting hand on jungkook's shoulder, hoping it's enough for him to feel the sympathy radiating off of him - to feel the encouragement and motivation he needs to tell jimin what he needs to.
inside these pages you just hold me
jungkook's nervous. how is he supposed to tell jimin he literally saw what's in his heart. those pictures might as well have been a diary since that's jimin - just like how his own pictures are just him, what's in his heart, what he feels. and if jimin had even had a look at the memories he saves that he doesn't share, he'd feel betrayed.but despite all of the doubt and fear jungkook holds, he'd rather have jimin honestly. with nothing influencing his decision.that's why as soon as he walks in through the door the first thing jungkook says is, "i saw your polaroids."jimin freezes, trying to process what jungkook just blurted out but when he does, his eyes widen in realization. "w-what?""it was an accident, i didn't mean to i-" jungkook falters at jimin physically deflating, his face in a carefully neutral mask, as best as he can do it at the moment. "i'm sorry."jungkook wishes jimin wouldn't put his emotions second to everyone else, because now he's watching as jimin tries his best to mentally shake it off when they both know he's feeling all types of uncertainty, confusion. "hyung," jungkook tries, voice small, "i'm sorry-""it's okay, jungkook."jungkook is at a loss as he allows jimin to walk past him without another word. he walks away with every piece they have of each other left and it hurts for him to think how he could lose so much in a matter of five minutes.it hurts, jungkook thinks. loving jimin hurts but it's all he wants to do.
and i won't ever let you go
give him time taehyung had told him. you saw how he feels without him knowing, how would you feel if someone knew about the things you've never told them before?jungkook didn't need taehyung to tell him that - he knows, he understands. but if it doesn't hurt more than anything, being away from jimin. acting like he's okay with not having him close, tired of putting on a mask, he does enough of that.if time is what he needs, he'd wait an eternity.
when i'm away, i will remember how you kissed me
jungkook is watching his video he made of jimin in tokyo wondering how he could mess it up when taehyung walks into his room. he didn't try to cover up anything as the older just walks towards where he sits, allowing jungkook to have the silence he silently wished for."let him come to you," taehyung says gently after awhile, patting his leg comfortingly. "wait a little longer."
under the lamp post back on sixth street, hearing you whisper through the phone
jungkook had sworn everyone had been out when he had decided to go to his room to sleep the rest of the evening away just to enjoy the luxury of doing so. when he's awoken with a bright flash behind his closed eyes successfully waking him up, he's confused.jimin is standing above him with the polaroid he just took, looking down at him with a look so fond, a look jungkook can see how vulnerable it makes him feel through his eyes, it makes a wave of relief and hope rush through him. the silence is deafening and jungkook had always prided himself in knowing jimin the best, especially now when he sees how bad jimin wants to be close to him. so he does exactly that and pulls the older into his bed with him, having an arm on his waist.jungkook knows that there are a lot of unsaid words, thoughts - feelings between them. that they need to be said at some point. too much happening to continue to harbor them for longer, but jungkook doesn't need to worry about that right now. because he's sure that everything he feels, jimin feels the same way. if he wasn't sure before, he is now.taehyung had told him to let him come to him - and he did. with jimin falling asleep beside him and knowing that, he's okay right now. it's enough.
wait for me to come home.