Work Text
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With A Smile
“P’Saint!”
“P’Saint! Look this way, please!”
“Waah, P’ I love you!”
Screams and a flood of camera flashes greeted me the moment I stepped out of the van on the afternoon of February 14th. I waved back and posed a bit for pictures for the fans waiting for me, which was met by more screaming and more camera flashes.A young-looking girl walked with purposeful steps towards me and P’Chen, introducing herself as a member of event organizing team. She asked us to follow her through the maze of the crowd, her frail frame surprisingly agile and lithe as she led the way.“P’Saint, the event will start in two hours. Shall we start with hair and makeup now?” She asked again once we have shrugged the throng the closer we got to our destination.We were all brisk-walking towards the designated dressing room near the activity area where N’Perth and I are to work together to promote a certain beauty brand. By any standards, P’Chen and I were both early but since there were two of us and a limited crew, it definitely makes sense to start the preparations as early as possible.“If it’s not much to ask, P’.” I agreed, smiling lightly with a small wai. “I will be in your care, then.”The girl opened the door of the air-conditioned room for us, and I was greeted by a familiar sight: people running around with hangers of different costumes and clothing ensembles, makeup artists cleaning their brushes, technical crews going in and out carrying all sorts of wires and cables and other heavy-looking equipment, and assistants doing odd errands here and there.Born through years of practice, I greeted everyone with a polite wai to acknowledge all their efforts, however seemingly mundane, just to make today’s event a potential success. They wai’ed back, and P’Pupae even walked up to us to give me a welcoming hug before she and P’Chen retreated to one side of the room where they discussed the program flow with the program director.ChenPae is real, my mind supplied, and I have to swallow a giggle from coming out. I will be sure to tease P’Chen about it later, and definitely rope in N’Perth into teasing P’Pupae as well.Speaking of, where is N’Perth?Another girl approached me. “P’, we won’t be able to start hair and makeup in another thirty minutes; you might want to take this time to rest for a while?”“Thank you, I will.” I responded, looking around for a particular someone. I may not be as active on social media as the rest of the LBC boys but I am always updated with what’s happening, especially with all the social media unrest aimed at my favorite junior. “Is Nong’Perth here?”“Ah, he finished picking out his clothes for the event no more than five minutes ago, P’.” She mimicked my actions and looked around as well, trying to locate the subject of our conversation. “I don’t know where he is exactly, but the last I saw of him was when he asked for permission to go outside.”Ah, I think I know where he is. Perth Tanapon may be an enigma for many, but I know the boy like the back of my hand.“Thank you, I think I know where to go.” I responded to the girl, giving her my best smile to get myself into her favor. “I have thirty minutes, yes?”“Actually, you can go and add another thirty.” She said, leaning over conspiratorily. “P’Perth looked a bit downcast when they arrived, it won’t do to have him attend the event looking like a kicked puppy.”We shared one last meaningful smile before she allowed me to leave, but not before handing me a disposable mask to cover my face and avoid being identified by the crowd.***My fingers moved deftly along the strings of my guitar, strumming idly to an unfamiliar tune. Everything has been a total mess lately, what with all the hate coming my way. I looked at my phone again, where a song I need to learn before the FM on the 17th is displayed. The chords seemed easy enough, even if the notes aren’t.“There’s a rainbow always after the rain…” I sang tentatively under my breath, my lips slowly getting used to the lyrics. I continued on to the succeeding stanzas, trying to remember my English lessons and constructing the meaning piece by piece in my head.
Life's full of challenges
Not all the time we get what we want
I paused, the lyrics getting to me that my eyes started stinging. I remember how the hate poured in when it was publicly announced I couldn’t come to the Line TV Awards due to a prior commitment, and how they still came even if I announced I would be going. P’Saint kept mum through it all, and I couldn’t muster the courage to ask him what he thought about the entire ordeal.
You'll take each trial and you'll make it through the storm
Cause you're strong, my faith in you is clear
The rest of the Attractor boys assured me that everything will be alright, and even the introverted P’Plan tried his best to cheer me up. I am grateful, yes, but I am still a bit apprehensive. I know some of the fans still hated me, some of them were unimpressed even if I had eventually gone to the event in the end.I know some of the fans are still mad at me for being insensitive to P’Saint, who will be left to receive our award alone had I not tweaked a few things in my schedule to accommodate him.We interacted with each other like it was nothing but I could tell something was amiss. P’Saint seemed to be bothered by something that night, and he was stealing glances at me when he thought I wouldn’t notice. It was as if he wanted to tell me something, but couldn’t find the right timing to do so.Was he thinking about ending our partnership? Does he share the same thoughts as that of my haters? Does he also think I’m selfish and insensitive?
Does he hate me now, like everyone does?
The thought pierced a sudden inexplicable pang in my chest that I hugged my guitar and sniffled against its body.Before I knew it, the tears have escaped my eyes one after the other, slowly trickling at first until it became wracking sobs.I can take the hate from the entire world, but not from that of a Saint Suppapong Udomkaewkanjana.***The van was heavily tinted, but I could surmise what my junior was doing inside, especially when the strumming stopped and the sobs started.My hand stilled halfway through opening the door, but my heart went out to him, heaving and hurting with every strangled cry that it also made me tear up a little.I know how that feels. I know how it feels to have the whole world turn its back against you, even when you've done nothing wrong. Even when you're just a victim of your circumstances, and you cannot do a single thing about it, no matter how much you desperately wanted to.I know how devastating hate can be, I've experienced it first hand. I know how it is, how to fake a smile and plod on even when what you want to do the most is curl up in a corner and cry. I know how every stab leaves you physically unharmed yet emotionally dying.I know how it feels, how desperate one is need of an anchor in the midst of the tumultuous sea of emotions.Perth doesn't deserve to feel like this. No one does.With a shaky sigh and a tiny teembling smile, I slid the door open."Hey." I said, trying my hardest to keep the smile when all I want was to cry with him.Perth looked at me like a deer caught in headlights, quite understandably so. This lovable junior has always taken PinSon so seriously, instilling in his mind that he should be the one taking care of me, protecting me from the world.He forgets that it can go both ways, even with me insisting almost every time that SonPin can be a thing, too."P'Saint." The boy croaked out weakly, hastily wiping traces of tears with his jacket sleeves. "Is it time already?"I invited myself in and sat beside him. He scooted over, still hugging his guitar close to himself like he was trying to hide his face from me."Nong." I started, then stalled, startling even myself. What do I say when things are obviously not okay?"Hmm?" He did not look my way, taking to fiddling with his guitar instead. I placed a hand over the fretboard to capture his attention, however bedgrudginly given.His bushy brows furrowed into a cute frown as he turned to me in confusion. I smiled the brightest I could, watching in amazement as a very noticeable blush crept up over his face, coloring his cheeks and the tips of his ears."May I, Nong?" I asked, gesturing to the instrument, which he handed over after a few more clueless blinks.My fingers fell into position as I tried to put my words in a song, the words I had wanted to tell him ever since the hate began."I came across this song while trying to practice 'Rainbow', just like what you're doing earlier." His eyes grew as wide as saucers I couldn't help but laugh at him and give him a playful boop on the nose. "Listen to me, and only me, Nong. All of them don't matter for now, okay?"I started the first few chords and began to sing.
Lift your head
Baby don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You'll get by with a smile
You can't win at everything but you can try
I reached over and pinched his cheeks playfully, to which he responded with a small smile.
Baby, you don't have to worry
'Coz there ain't no need to hurry
No one ever said that there's an easy way
When they're closing all their doors
And they don't want you anymore
The lyrics must have resonated to him because his smile instantly turned sad and his eyes became glassy. I stopped singing and placed the guitar down."Why did you stop, P'?" He asked, tilting his head to one side like an adorable pup. "It was a good song."I opened my arms in an unspoken invitation for a hug. Hugs heal, right? Hugs provide warmth when the world turns cold.I can see the hesitation in his eyes but he eventually gave in and leaned onto my embrace. I whispered the next lines of the song to him.
This sounds funny but I'll say it anyway.
***I unashamedly melted into P'Saint's arms, not even trying to stop the tears from flowing, even if they stained P's sweater."Perth, I'll stay through the bad times..." He whispered, planting a soft kiss on the top of my head. I closed my eyes and hugged him tightly, not caring if the words tumbling out his mouth are just song lyrics. I need him and his reassurance that he will stay, despite everything. I'll take whatever he is willing to give me, no matter how small.
Even if I have to fetch you everyday
We'll get by with a smile
You can never be too happy in this life
"I am happy with you, P'Saint." I whispered over his song, which made him smile. I don't know what our status is, we never got round to that conversation yet. All I know is that I like him and he likes me, but for now, that is more than enough.He wiped away my tears before continuing with his song.
In a world where everybody
Hates a happy ending story
It's a wonder love can make the world go round
But dont let it bring you down
And turn your face into a frown
You'll get along with a little prayer and a song
"I'm here, okay? PinSon can also be SonPin, Nong'Perth. I am as capable at protecting you just as you do with me."***Perth nodded against my chest. "PinSon, SonPin, it doesn't matter, P', as long as it's you." He said earnestly, looking up to gauge my reaction and we shared a small smile the moment our eyes met."Is that the end of the song?" He asked after a while, and urged me to sing the last stanza when I shook my head as a response.So I did.
Lift your head, baby, don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You'll get by with a smile
Now it's time to kiss away those tears goodbye
Perth pulled away from the hug and planted a quick soft kiss on my lips, laughing tearfully at my surprised expression."Nong!" I exclaimed, hitting his lips lightly as punishment for being naughty. (The little devil kissed the palm of my hand the moment it came in contact with his lips too.)"What?" He asked playfully, already sounding like the Perth Tanapon Sukhumpantanasan I know and love dearly. "I'm just doing what the song said!"We stayed for a while inside that van, cooped up in our own private bubble until P'Pupae called, wondering where we were as there was less than an hour left until the Milky Lover event starts.Perth clasped my hands one last time before we were called out to greet the fans, smiling at my nervous expression."Lift your head, baby don't be scared." He smiled as he recited the first few words of the song I sang to him earlier."You goddamn tease."終わる 「Fin」***