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I. “Fuck, this is the most fucking boring interview ever”
“And you whining like a baby don’t help, you know?”
“Fuck you.”Howie is this close to roll his eyes up in the ceiling.Well- to be honest it’s a very boring interview, and even though they're supposed to be there to promote their new album, the only point they’ve reached is that Katie, the interviewer (forty-year-old, ring on her finger and too blonde to being natural) is trying to get into the pants of someone – Brian thinks is Kevin, Kevin thinks is AJ, and AJ is sure is Howie.
Nick, on the other hand, is perched on Brian's shoulder and he doesn't give a fuck.
It's not important, but Howie thinks is AJ.It wouldn't be weird, he realizes, because AJ is exactly the person who everyone would want; he's funny, charming, and a lot of other things that he can hear when he lets himself listen to what fans have to say about him.
Howie, instead, is just weird.
He's pretty sure that Katie is staring at him just because his hair is too messy – he has tried to put it in a decent way, but two hours, a full hairspray and he doesn't know how many frustration's tears, he has given up.Fuck it.
It’s not like the hair is the real problem, anyway.“Man, let it go. You’re making a nest up there” AJ comments laughing, and he does let go.Well, maybe it’s the hair, too. “Y’all seem so much better when I have caffeine in my body” Kevin announces, sitting down on his chair and smiling at every person who is passing by.It’s not a useful statement; AJ hits Brian with his elbow, just to point out that he’s right, and Brian can’t do much more that sticking out his tongue, because Katie is coming back for the second part of the interview.
Howie can’t help but sigh, nervously, but AJ nudges him, and smiles.He doesn’t know why, but he’s feeling better already. II. “Album is out, we have no schedule for tomorrow and I wanna get drunk.”AJ says it casually, but Howie knows better, and even before he can do anything about, it’s already happening.
“I’m out” Brian yawns – maybe too loud to being real – “I’m sleeping on my feet”
Kevin shakes his head: “I’m not in the mood. I’ve been seeing your ugly faces since this morning; enough for today” he says, but Howie can see a smirk.“Can I come with you?” Nick asks, hopeful.
“Yeah, of course” AJ laughs, shoving him. “There’s juice for you in your room, alright?”
“AJ...”Howie squeezes Nick’s shoulder, but it’s a mistake, because he has drawn attention and now AJ is looking at him in a way that he doesn’t like at all, and he’s just fallen into his trap.“Good! So, we’re gonna bring him with us and you can be the baby-sitter, Howard.”Howie is about to complain already, but Nick smacks a kiss on his cheek and he’s smiling so wide, so he just shuts up."Stop pouting, D. Kid here is having fun already!" says AJ, looking at Nick.
"I just didn't wanna come, that's all" Howie mutters, playing with the hem of his shirt and watching outside the window of the car.He wonders if his clothes are okay.
A lot of people keep giving him advises about how to dress himself, and thank you very much, but he's grown up enough, he doesn't need any of that bullshit.
But-
Maybe he's really not well dressed for that club (he doesn't even know where they're going, but AJ chose it, so-)."I didn't say anything! I wasn't even gonna ask you about it, anyway. What’s the point; you always say no, no matter what."This time, AJ doesn't sound sarcastic. Instead, Howie can feel something else, but he can't really place what.
When he looks up at him, AJ is staring something in his lap and doesn't seem intent to change it anytime soon.
He feels a knot in his stomach, and opens his mouth to say something, but then he realizes he doesn't have much words.Seems like he doesn’t have words for anyone, lately.But if he has to be honest – at least with himself –, there’s a part of him that can’t stand to see AJ disappointed.
Yes, Nick’s puppy eyes are so hard to resist, but AJ-When AJ is upset, he withdraws into himself and stays like that – as long as Howie doesn’t come to bring him back to the real world.Howie wonders if it’ll always be like this: if AJ will be by his side, somehow; if he’ll still trust him enough to reveal his secrets; if he’ll cry on his shoulder when he’ll need it; if he’ll still want to ask him how the day has been, even when Howie wouldn’t answer.
He wonders if AJ will accept all his silence that he can’t explain yet.Sometimes he feels so lost that he has to stop and find his breath again.
Sometimes, it works."I'm sorry" he says, quietly.He feels a grip on his wrist, and Nick is looking at him with pleading eyes: "Can I take a beer at least? It's not gonna be really funny, otherwise".
AJ, thank God, giggles. “He has a crush on Brian.”It’s not a question.Howie observes Nick dancing; he’s not a child anymore, and it seems like it’s been ages from the last time they’ve played soccer together (last time Howie had suggested it to Nick, he had replied that he had grown too much to waste time chasing after a ball – Howie spent all day crying)."I’m sorry for him” Howie comments, sighing. He takes another sip of beer, but it’s warm. “Who doesn’t, anyway” he adds, and maybe it sounds pretty bitter, because AJ looks at him, lost, then he snorts.
“Last time I checked, I didn’t” he answers, finishing his tequila. “I mean, he’s beautiful” he points out with a shrug, “but aren’t we all?”.Without waiting for a reaction, he gets up, wobbly, and he heads to Nick, surprising him from behind and whispering something in his ear. Nick gasps, then bursts out laughing.
Howie downs the rest of his beer.“Hi! Do I bother you?”There’s a girl in front of him, a little smile on her lips and two drinks in her hands.“I saw you had company, and I didn’t want interrupt, but now you’re alone and… well, this is for you anyway” she says, lightly shacking one of the glasses, "but don’t feel forced to talk, if you don’t want to”.Howie takes a lot to get all the words, but the girl doesn’t seem to care.
She looks at him uncertainly, waiting for an answer, and Howie looks at the dance floor.
Nick’s dancing between two girls. AJ doesn’t seem to be seen anywhere.He smiles: “If that drink has not tequila, I’m in”.Kayla is nice, Howie decides; she smiles a lot, speaks enough that he doesn’t have to struggle to look like he’s an interesting person, but not too much that he has to fake he’s sober. And she knows a lot of jokes, too.“I knew one as well” Howie slurs, “it was pretty funny. AJ told me some time ago, but I don’t remember it anymore” he tries to move, but then lets himself go, ending up on the couch behind him and closes his eyes. “M-maybe it wasn’t even funny. AJ is, but I-”Suddenly, Kayla is sitting next to him, and their faces are close. She’s smiling again, and her teeth are bright among the club’s lights.
She’s really, really cute.“Not a big deal” she smirks, “you’re cute enough to be serious and dark”.Then, he hears another voice, and it’s familiar.“… the limo is waiting for us. AJ has fallen asleep on the corner of the bar counter- fucking embarrassing. And they say I’m the kid. How is he doin’?”
“He has drank a few drinks, but I don’t think-”
“I’m fine” Howie grunts.And he is, but when he gets up he loses his balance, and luckily there are Nick's arms to support him (he's really strong – he's really grown up, thinks Howie, and somehow the thought doesn’t help at all the feeling of nausea that has started to attack him).“Okay, cowboy. Let’s try to get to the limo without breaking ourselves some bones, then we’ll think to the rest. He’ll call you” Nick says hastily, and he’s probably talking to Kayla.When they get to the car, Nick throws him unceremoniously on AJ and slams the door behind them.
AJ groans, but he stays still.“I think I’m gonna throw up” he says at some point, almost chocking, and Howie can hear his hot breath on his own neck.
“Please, don’t do it on me, it’d be a total mess” Howie warns him.
“Don’t do it on my car” Johnny remarks them, and Howie hear quite clearly something about drinking irresponsibly.AJ shakes his head: “Not necessarily now. But it’s gonna happen”.The rest of the trip is calm, although as time passes, AJ’s hands tightens on his tank more and more.
It’s a strong grip, but it’s nice, and Howie intertwines his own fingers with the friend’s.
His face is stuck on AJ’s shoulder, but he can easily feel Nick’s look on him from the rear-view mirror.He can always blame the hangover. It's when they get to their rooms, after Nick has left them safe on their doors, that AJ blocks his arm and looks at him.
He does not seem so drunk anymore – or maybe both are at the same level.“Brian is-” he starts, and takes a breath. “Brian is handsome. So much” he whispers.Howie feels something moving in his stomach.
Maybe he has to throw up, after all.“Yeah, I know. He’s fantastic” he nods, but AJ shakes his head again.
“You. You are- way more beautiful than him” he says.And before Howie can say something – anything, AJ kisses him.
It's a quick kiss, on the corner of his mouth, and it tastes of alcohol.Then, he’s stupidly alone in the hallway.***Howie kisses Kayla for the first time in front of her house’s door, under a summer rain.
It doesn’t taste like alcohol, but mint and flowers.It’s good anyway. III. “I could bring you something to eat. Brian has been yelling his love for the hotel’s eggs since this morning”
“No, thanks. I’m not hungry”His stomach growls loudly, but AJ doesn’t push any more.
He doesn’t leave, though; instead, he sits on the edge of the bed and looks at him, silently.Howie would like being strong enough to send him away, but truth is that it’s the first time in two days that he’s able to tolerate the presence of someone in the same room where he is.
Kayla’s been trying to call him for days, but he hasn’t answered yet.
Honestly, he doesn’t wanna say anything – he doesn’t wanna feel anything.“I’ve asked to come with you” AJ suddenly says. His fingers are playing with a rim of the sheets.Howie tries to smile, but he can’t.“You didn’t have to. You couldn’t come anyway” he says. It's the truth, and they both know it.They’re in the middle of the tour, and as much as everyone tries to look at him as if nothing happened, Howie knows they're expecting something from him.
He doesn’t blame them.AJ makes an angry sound, then slams a hand in the bed: “Of course, that’s exactly what I’ve been told. But you shouldn’t have faced it all alone! It wasn’t supposed to go like that!” he exclaims, frustrated.No, it wasn’t supposed to go like that.
Nothing of all that, was supposed to go like that.
She had a husband.
She had kids.
She had brothers-“She was still alive”He hadn’t told anyone, yet.
Someway, it gives him relief.AJ is waiting for him to keep talking, but for the first time in so many hours, he feels the need to cry.And maybe AJ gets it – he always does –, because a second later he holds Howie on his chest, and the last person who held him hard, it was Caroline.
And Howie breaks.“She was still alive when I arrived” he sobbed, curling his fingers in AJ's hair. “She was still alive, I saw her die"
“I'm sorry" AJ exhales, rocking him, combing his hair, stroking his back gently. “Christ, I'm so sorry, "he repeats, and should be comforting, but all that Howie manages to do is cry harder.
“Cry” AJ mumbles into his ear. “Cry, it’s been so long since the last time”And Howie does.He cries for who knows how much, makes himself small in the body of his friend, and lets himself be carried away by his heartbeat. It never seems enough.
It hurts like hell, and when it looks like it cannot get any worse, it becomes even more unbearable.“I love you”The words come to him slowly, and Howie closes his eyes and tries to catch his breath.
He doesn’t reply, but his fingers release the grip from AJ's hair – not too much, because there is a remote possibility that he doesn’t want to hug him anymore, but Howie’s selfish and wants everything, even what doesn’t belong to him.“Stay with me” Howie begs him, and fuck if he sounds pathetic, but AJ pinches his hip and laughs softly.
“I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, dumb-ass” he reassures him, and for a moment Howie struggles to breathe, but it has nothing to do with tears. "Get in bed. I brush my teeth, I'll be right back"Reluctantly Howie loosens the embrace and bites his lip, because AJ's tank is soaked wet and well, it’s gross.“Yeah, look, I don’t even have to wash it” AJ nods, “you did all the work already” and he has the decency to disappear behind the door, so that Howie can be ashamed alone.AJ returns as promised a few minutes later, and he has only a pair of boxers on him.
He slips into the bed, but doesn’t turn off the lights completely, and Howie thanks him with a sigh of relief. When Howie wakes up, it takes a few seconds to figure out where he is.
You’re safe. You’re not alone.
There’s a voice inside him that keeps telling him so, but his body doesn’t seem to listen to it.
Sweat his sticking his shirt to his chest, he can’t breathe fine, and everything seems too big – or, maybe he’s too small.He doesn’t move.
His hand touch the other side of the bed, and with relief his fingers touch a leg.“Are you cold?” a sleepy and rough voice asks him. “You’re shacking”Howie just shakes his head, and AJ tucks his nose on the other’s neck, breathing slowly.“Nightmares?”He tries to answer, but what comes out is a trembling breath.“She was there” he says, then, sliding a leg between AJ’s. “She was- awake, but she wouldn’t speak. She looked… she looked angry” he reveals, and admitting is way harder than it seemed.She never got angry, Caroline. Not even when he had toppled the box of her favorite just out of spite, or when he had broken her new pair of jeans because she had decided to move in another city without saying anything to him.
She had hugged him and had promised that they’d have seen each other soon.And maybe, if he hadn’t been so busy, if he hadn’t been so selfish-“She loved you. She was proud of you” AJ says, firmly. His voice sounds muffled against Howie’s skin, and he shivers.
“I’m afraid it’ll never pass. Or that it’ll pass too fast” Howie whispers.AJ hums quietly, and Howie’s almost convinced that he’s sleeping again, but then-“You always underestimate yourself so much” he murmurs, propping himself up on one elbow and staring at him.He sounds so sorry, so honest that Howie doesn’t think he can stand it.“I don’t- I don’t know what you see. I don’t know what you wanna see” Howie says, but AJ is smiling, and he’s sad.
His hand touches Howie’s chest: “I’d just like seeing you happy” he answers, and like in a déjà-vu, his lips are on Howie’s.It lasts just a moment, then AJ steps away from him and he’s blushing.He opens his mouth, maybe to say something – maybe to apologize, maybe because it was a mistake, but Howie draws him to himself and they’re kissing again, and this time it is different; AJ squeezes his hip and groans, and Howie feels hot and at home, like he hasn’t felt for a long time.“You cannot imagine-” AJ begins, but Howie doesn’t hear the rest, because AJ is back on him, his tongue pushes inside his mouth and Howie realizes he doesn’t give a fuck about what he can’t imagine, because AJ is there, in his arms – between his legs, and it’s real, and nothing he could imagine would be better than this.“Fuck” Howie pants, raising his hips, and he's so hard that he could come into his pants just from hearing AJ's moans.
“Exactly” AJ replies, biting his lip and rubbing his leg between Howie’s.Howie can feel his cock against his own belly, and he curses loudly.“A true church boy, Sweet D” AJ comments, with a laugh that fades into a groan as soon as Howie pushes him away and throws himself on his neck, on his chin, on every inch of skin he can reach, his hips pushing hard against AJ's.
AJ fucking whines. “You’re so hot” he says, and Howie almost wants to laugh, because there’s no way that AJ can find him hot when he's doing those noises, his mouth red and swollen and his cock pressing against his own boxers.“You’re perfect” he confesses, and AJ stills for a moment, then he smiles and raises his hand, wandering on the profile of the other’s face with his finger.
“So are you. That’s what I see” he whispers.Howie kisses him hard again, and he’s aware that it’ll hurt more than before, that it’ll burn inside and it’ll never go away, but it doesn’t matter.
AJ throws his head back with a louder moan, wrapping his legs around Howie and pushing with his heels deeper, stronger, and he’s trembling.
Howie doesn’t know if it's the effort or something else, but their chests meet and he puts his head next to his friend’s, closing his eyes.“I can’t- I can’t hold it anymore” he whines, letting a messy kiss on AJ’s cheek.
“Let it go” AJ says, and that’s enough, because Howie feels a shock throughout his body and then he’s coming, stifling a groan in the neck of his friend.When he opens his eyes again, AJ is looking at him in a way that makes Howie’s dick jerk again.
Howie puts his hand under the elastic of the other’s underwear and wraps it around AJ, moving with long strokes that leave AJ breathless.“Howie-”
“Come on” Howie spurs him, increasing his pace, “come for me. Come for me, babe”And that’s it; AJ bites his own hand and comes hard, getting Howie’s hand and his own chest dirty.They stay like that; Howie slides next to AJ, wiping his hand as better as possible on a hem of the sheets.“We’ve made a mess” he states, but AJ makes a funny face.
“We already were”Howie laughs quietly, but he stops quickly. His head is spinning.“We should take a shower, at least. Tomorrow it’s gonna be gross”
“Nah. It’s not that bad. Who cares”Howie has a million reasons to get up from that bad. Then, AJ hugs him and kisses his forehead.
In that moment, none of them seem strong enough. IV. “AJ, let’s go get some ice cream?”
“I can’t, ask Brian”
“Frick-”
“No, Nick. I’m busy”Howie’s stomach makes a weird, unpleasant jolt.
Nick
Without a specific reason, he finds himself wanting to slap Brian hard.Anyway, Nick doesn’t seem to get the thing – or, maybe he just doesn’t care – and keeps pressing Brian while the other’s looks like he’s completely focused on a pretty complicated process on his hair.“Aw, c’mon! We eat in like, ten minutes, and we come back for whatever the hell you have to do!”It should be almost illegal to beg some time for an ice cream to your best friend, Howie find himself thinking, especially if your said best friend isn’t paying attention to you at all.
He’s tempted to tell Brian the shirt he’s wearing is of the same stupid color of his face, but he turns the page of the book he’s reading – well, he’s trying – and he doesn’t say anything.“It’s not just a thing; I have to meet Leigh”And to his horror, Howie finds on his own face the same disgusted expression of Nick.
Not that Leighanne’s not nice, indeed; it’s probably just Brian’s ability to talk over something until it looks more like an obsession than an interest.“Well, she’s gonna dump you because you’re fucking annoying!” Nick answers, and he leaves before someone has a chance of reply.Brian, hands still in his hair, sighs: “Gosh” he comments, looking at AJ. He doesn’t seems too worried, anyway.“I would’ve gone with him, but it’s the only free day we have, and today Jenny should be at the club” AJ explains.It follows a weird silence.Brian’s is taken by a fold in of his pants to actually listen to what his friend is saying, AJ is putting too much gel in his hair – more than usual – and yes, maybe Howie is turning the pages too quickly to be convincing, but he can’t do any better.
While reading the same paragraph for what must be the sixteenth time, Howie feels AJ’s gaze on him.
Howie, however, has tacitly decided with himself that he’ll not look at him unless strictly necessary.
So, he snaps the book shut and jumps out of bed, walking away quickly.“NICK, GET DRESSED” he shouts, “WE’RE GOING TO TAKE THAT FUCKING ICE CREAM”.Later, before leaving, Howie makes sure to step on Brian's foot.
Not really hard, but just because he can feel it.***In the end, Nick hasn’t gotten the ice cream, but a banana shake that seems to be endless, and that he keeps turning over in his hands; Howie instead, has taken a Nutella smoothie, and they’re eating in a bench outside the bar.“I should’ve known better; your wish to go eat ice cream wasn’t really eating ice cream” Howie thinks aloud. “Sorry, I had no idea” he adds, lightly crushing the glass now empty and then throwing it in the trash.Nick is small in his fire-red jacket, looking away from him.“I didn’t- I thought you needed it, too” he admits. Howie makes a funny verse, and Nick shakes his head.
“I know that I’ve often said it and it doesn’t make effect anymore, but I'm not a child; I see things, even those whom others don’t” then snorts “especially those who others don’t”
“Nick-”
“I shouldn’t feel so bad when he talks about her, right?”It’s a question that sounds rhetorical, but it seems that Nick’s waiting for an answer anyway.And Howie would like to tell him that it's alright, that everything will settle down and they’ll be again the band they were before – before Leigh, before Lou, before AJ – but Nick’s not stupid and they’ll never be the same again.Because everything has changed and for some things, time isn’t enough.
Howie pushes Nick's head on his shoulder and lets him cry.In the last few years, Nick has been crying silently, without being noticed.
But there are times when Howie can see his circled eyes, and some shadows are deeper and darker some mornings, but Nick keeps smiling and working hard.
Sometimes, however, he only needs to place his ear in the bathroom door to hear Nick sobbing, and Howie desperately wants to be able to do something to help him.“It sucks. I wish Brian wasn’t that dumb, that he knew how much you're worth, and that he could see you as grown up and mature as you are, that he wouldn’t consider you just someone to look after, because you're not. You’re my brother, and you’re amazing”The words come out along with a few tears, and Nick clings hard to his jacket and he’s almost howling.“I c-can’t stand it” he stutters, sobbing, “I- I’m so jealous I’m almost s-sick”
“I know” Howie murmurs, kissing softly his temple, “I feel the same way”It's the first time he says it aloud.
It's the first time he says it period, but Nick doesn’t look surprised.After a few minutes, Nick is quiet again.“You should talk to him” he says, raising his chin slightly to look at Howie and wiping his own eyes with the back of his hand. Howie catches a tear on his cheek. “I think- that at least you two could...”He doesn’t end the sentence, but there’s not need.
Howie doesn’t argue with him, but he’s pretty sure of the contrary."I think sometimes we could play soccer again, anyway"Despite everything, Howie laughs.***Kayla breaks up with Howie in a cold morning of December, under the mistletoe.
Her eyes are big and hurt, but Howie is relieved that she’s taken the initiative.Merry fucking Christmas. V. Jenny is presented to everyone on AJ's birthday, in one of the many clubs that he knows.Nick makes a pretty childish grimace for his nearly nineteen years, and only shrugs, moving away to get a drink.
Howie, instead, swallows hard and smiles as sincerely as possible, extending his hand to her: "Nice to meet you, I'm Howie".Jenny suddenly widens her eyes, shaking his hand excitedly: "Oh, so you are Sweet D! Bone told me a lot about you!"Howie notes several things at once – what the hell is happening – and Jenny gets a not very gentle nudge in her ribs from AJ, but he doesn’t have time to ask questions, because Nick comes back quite cheerful with too many drinks in his hands and he makes space to get to the couch, throwing himself on it and spilling half of what looks like whiskey on Brian.“Damn, Nick!
“Don’t worry, Leigh likes you even smelling like this”It's a statement that sounds funny and sharp at the same time, and Kevin has the decency to start a conversation before Brian can argue.Howie notices that Nick is trembling."Should we go get some fresh air?" he asks him as kindly as possible, but he’s already standing and luckily Nick doesn’t need to be pressed, suddenly getting up and heading towards the exit."What are you doing, Nicky?" Howie asks when they’re out of the club.Nick doesn’t stop.
He keeps going and going, not even paying attention to the people he’s bumping into."Sorry" Howie grunts for him, earning a lot of annoyed looks.Fuck them."Okay- now it's enough" he gets tired at the end, speeding up his pace and grabbing him by the jacket. "If we keep walking like this, we’ll be home in a minute. What's wrong with you?"
"I'm not you!" Nick snaps, tugging to free himself from Howie's grip, and he's angry.
"W-what?" Howie asks astonished, but Nick snorts and leans against the wall, crossing his arms with an annoyed expression on his face.
"You know very well what I'm talking about, don’t bullshit me!”Howie has the vague feeling that something has gone wrong, but he doesn’t know what; Nick is angry at him, but it makes no sense.
And it’s frustrating as hell."No, I don’t get it!" he replies, more confused than he would like to show.Nick laughs.
Not a chuckle, but a full-blown laugh.Howie feels the need to punch him in the face."I don’t- I can’t do it" Nick exhales, biting his cheek. "Really, I tried, but I hate them. I hate her because she's taking him away from me, and I hate him for letting her do it, and I thought-" he blushes under the light of the street lamp "... lots of ways to get them parted, they shouldn’t even talk to each other, but then we'll be unhappy in three"Nick lowers his head and his jacket's sleeve gets a little wet. Before Howie can say anything, his friend looks at him with a crooked smile."I don’t know how you do it, how do you pretend it’s nothing and smile at him, all this game that’s goin’ on-"
"I'm happy for him" Howie whispers, and it's not a lie.Because if there's one thing he wants for AJ, it's his happiness; it doesn’t matter if he’ll not be part of it; they have shared many things, and that bond that has been there will not go away.
And maybe, sooner or later, he’ll be able to think about it without his stomach twisting and his heart rising in his throat.
Maybe, sooner or later it’ll pass, and he’ll laugh about it."But you're not happy!" Nick says, raising his voice, his finger against his friend's chest. "You should be a little more selfish and take what's yours for once. Just once" he concludes, walking toward the club.He doesn’t ask Howie to follow him, but it's better like this.
He sits on the edge of the sidewalk, ignoring the surprised looks of some girls obviously undecided if a guy so depressed and abandoned by the roadside can actually be a pop star.
And with a giggle he realizes that stupidly, that is the only certainty he has. When Howie decides to go back inside the club, he meets Kevin halfway."Are we already leaving? Who’s sick?" he asks, suspiciously, but Kevin simply shrugs, putting his hands inside the pockets of his jacket.
"Nobody, but we weren’t having fun. Like, not even AJ, so what's the point?" and he heads for the limo.
"Since when AJ has not fun with alcohol?" Howie yells at him, and maybe he's a little bitter but he doesn’t really give a fuck.He hears a laughter behind him, and before he can turn, Nick has put an arm around his shoulders: "There are trouble and mess, Howie; some of them with alcohol only get bigger and sadder" he says, and looks pretty sensible for someone who’s basically dragging himself to the car. He sobs."You're totally clueless, Sweet D." Nick chuckles afterwards. "And I love you for this, too"Whatever the hell it means. Sitting in the car, Howie feels like he's lost a piece of the evening.Kevin's eyes are closed, but it's pretty obvious he's not sleeping; Brian has his arms crossed and a pout that now seems to belong to his natural expression; Nick is laughing alone with a bottle of beer in his hand, and at every turn he spills a bit in the seat – Johnny will be so pissed off –; AJ, on the other hand, looks mortified.Howie opens his mouth but closes it immediately.
Mind your own business
Howie often forgets that he and AJ are no longer those people.
Realizing it there, in front of all his friends – his family – is less shocking than expected.Because, as he always suspected, AJ has found someone who can talk to him, someone who makes him laugh.
Someone who can give him everything he can’t.
He knew it was a matter of time. Maybe he hoped it was a little later, but it’s okay.Jenny must be perfect.Suddenly it's too hot."The window" he murmurs hoarsely, hitting Kevin's hand. "Open the window, I can’t breathe"
AJ looks up for the first time in the last half hour: "Are you okay?".He sounds worried.
Howie wants to cry.He doesn’t. "Come on, it's so obvious..."
"It would be less obvious if she had beard"
"It would be less obvious if her name was How-"When Howie walks into the kitchen that morning, it's clear they're talking about him.
Not only because they’ve stopped talking as soon as he arrived, but also because Brian is avoiding his look and Kevin has just tried to drink from an empty glass, and Nick is looking at him with scorn.
Kids.
"What did I miss?" he asks absently, pouring himself a cup of coffee and trying to ignore the trembling of his hand.Whatever it is, it doesn’t have to be serious.
When something serious happens (like the time AJ had smoked a joint just before the rehearsals, Nick who had brought a girl on the bus and she had stolen Brian's songs copybook, Kevin's bottle of shampoo that had magically turned into everything but shampoo), they had always talked about it all together, never behind each other.Well, except maybe when AJ had decided to get blond; it was quite serious for everyone's retinas, but not even Nick had had the heart to point it out."No big deal. They say we’re cute" Kevin reads.His tone is quiet, but his face is still behind the newspaper and that's what really matters."And they're right!" Nick says, stealing the jam jar from Brian's hands and putting his finger on it. Then he looks at Howie with a huge smile: "Especially Howie; Christ, you're so hot it almost hurts" he dramatically fakes to faint, placing the jar on the counter and leaning over him.Then something gets out of hand, because Nick kisses him, and Howie hears something that screams incest everywhere – or maybe it's Brian."What the f-" he starts, but then stops because AJ is still at the door, his eyes big and surprised and, Howie’s probably imagining it, awfully disappointed. Things precipitate quickly.First of all, nobody talks to anyone, and Howie doesn’t know why.
And over the years he’s learned to be smart enough to mind his own business and let things fix on their own, but being silent during the dance rehearsals is the most depressing thing ever.Maybe they’ve come to the end.No one has the courage to say it, but it’s clear that everyone’s thinking about it.
Howie thinks how to tell his mom about it, and his heart gets heavy."Can we change the song? It's like, the fifteenth time we're doing this, I'm getting bored. Even better: can we take a break?"Well, he will probably do without Nick pretty fine.Surprisingly, Kevin nods."You know what? Yes. Take a break, solve your fucking problems and then warn me, I don’t wanna waste my time" he says dryly, and before anyone can reply, he's already out.Nobody dares to follow him. If possible, AJ has reached a new level of shame.
Howie can’t think of a situation in which AJ can be so embarrassed, that’s it. The desire to shake him is so strong that his hands are itching.“Kevin has his periods again” Nick comments with a puff, lying on the ground.
Brian gives him an angry look: "This is all your fault; why did you kiss Howie, don’t you know he has a girlfriend?" he starts, and there’s so much disgust in his voice that Nick isn’t smiling anymore."Brian-" Howie tries, but the other doesn’t let him speak.
"No, it's always him! It's always you" he says, turning to Nick, "It’s you just messing around and making everyone lose patience. You don’t take anything seriously, you're always in the way and you’re not helpful at all!"Howie holds his breath, and so does Nick.
His face falls and frowns slightly, and he’s hurt.“What the fuck, Brian!” AJ says, trying to get closer to Nick, but he steps away.And Howie just doesn’t understand how Brian can’t see it. It hurts even seen from outside."It was... It was a nice way to come out, I think" Nick rises slowly from the ground. His breath is getting faster. "I like dicks, Brian. Apparently, I like dickheads, too" he murmurs, and even though he turns quickly to the door, Howie can see his face from the mirror on the wall.Suddenly, he wants to hug him and never let him go."What-" Brian stares at the spot where Nick is gone, then looks at them. "Did you know?"He’s actually upset.This time it’s AJ who laughs, but he’s not really having fun. On the contrary, he seems a step away from a hysterical crisis."Bri, I love you and I tell you from the deep of my heart" he says, with a voice higher than normal, "fuck you".There's something going past Brian's face, like some sort of awareness, and Howie takes a little breath and looks down."Excuse me" Brian says slowly, running toward the exit.AJ gives a cough and with terror, Howie realizes that they are left alone."Are you angry at me?" AJ asks him so softly, that at the beginning Howie thinks he had imagined it.
"What?" he asks, just to be sure.
"Are you angry at me?" repeats AJ, stopping playing with shoelaces and staring at him.
"No" Howie answers, confused. "Why should I be?"
"I don’t know, it seems like everyone’s looking at me like I’ve killed someone!" exclaims AJ. "And Nick has that face halfway between beaten dog and contempt-"
"I think they're just tired." Howie gives a half smile.
"Are you tired too?"Howie’s not sure what he's referring to, but shrugs."Of some things, maybe" he admits. "But they're not important," he adds, shaking his head.
"I'm fucking tired," AJ murmurs, and sniffs.He's not crying, but he looks so distressed Howie thinks he's on the verge of tears.
It's so fucking unfair, and he's so selfish.AJ has bags under his eyes, and when Howie raises a hand to pass it through his hair, there's no gel in it.
He smells like mint."I’ve missed this" AJ exhales, moving against his fingers, closing his eyes and when he speaks, his voice trembles. "I’ve missed you" he sobs, but he doesn’t dare getting closer, and Howie wonders how they’ve reached that point.“I’m sorry” he says. It’s not like it can change things, but he’s really sorry for so many things that he doesn’t even know where to start.And maybe AJ gets it. Because he smiles at him, shyly and strangely and it's so beautiful that Howie feels his breath cut off.AJ gets up from the ground and holds out a hand: "Let's go to bed". Everyone should have their own AJ to hug, Howie decides.
A copy, because there’s no way he going to share the original with anyone."Déjà vu"It’s the first word that comes out after almost an hour of total silence, and Howie shifts his head to look at the other better."Hmm?" he asks, and AJ chuckles, brushing Howie’s fingers with his own.
"Déjà-vu" he repeats. "Last time we were here..."
"Yes" says Howie, involuntarily tightening the grip on his hand.
"Well, we definitely had less clothes" he snickers, and Howie groans, blushing against his will.
"Aje!" he exclaims, looking at a hole in the covers with a sudden interest.
"You think I did it for pity"AJ has the bad habit of not asking questions. AJ speaks loud and clear, and direct, and Howie knows very well that he will never have that ability.
He will always choose masochistically the longest and least painful way."I tried not to think about it at all" he admits.AJ paralyzes, and he’s distant. Then he snorts: "Yes, I get it. I mean, you have a girlfriend and by the way, don’t tell her about it, damn. She’d hate me and we wouldn’t be able to look at each other" AJ is talking faster than usual, and it's almost unnerving.
"Aje-" Howie says, but AJ jumps out of bed like he's been burned, and everything gets colder than normal.
"Whatever you believe" AJ says, his hand in the door handle, "it's not like that. It was nice, and I didn’t regret it. It was the first time I-"He stops quietly, biting his lip. "It doesn’t matter. We're still friends, right?" then asks, unsure.
Have we ever been for real?
"Obviously" Howie attempts to smile.AJ nods and smiles back but doesn’t seem happy.
And Howie has never felt so miserable in his life.***The next morning, Kevin seems to be quite in a good mood for one who interrupted the rehearsal the afternoon before and didn’t show up for the rest of the day.Howie watches him wander around the kitchen humming and cooking something in a pan – the smell hits Howie hard and he's not really going to investigate what it is."What happened?" he asks, however, cautiously.
"I think he’s finally had sex" Nick comments, but the tone is not sharp, more like disinterested.Howie imagines it's stressful to keep the expectation high anyway.
For its part, there is no danger."No, but I could if you stopped behaving like you need the nanny. They don’t pay me enough" he grunts, moving away for a moment the happy tone.
"And why taking this privilege away from you, Kev?”
"Fuck you, Nick. Anyway, I've decided that from now on you'll be on your own. Seriously” he points out, dangerously waving a knife, " I felt guilty for a whole hour, because I hadn’t understood shit about y’all, but truth is that you’re old enough for me to mind my fucking business. I am Switzerland!" he exclaims, shaking the ladle and throwing a few drops of batter into the air.Nick curses."Who’s Switzerland?"Brian looks into the kitchen slowly, from the door, and behind him there’s AJ, who makes sure to push him to let him in."Not you" Kevin laughs, holding out a plate of pancakes. "AJ is Cuba; full of people and too fucking loud" he adds.
AJ looks up at the sky: “I’m still sleeping, dude... the one’s who’s been singing for two hours is you"
"Nick, what's Brian?" Kevin asks, ignoring him.
"Dunno, I’m not inspired" Nick replies between bites, grabbing another plate from Kevin and bringing it in front of himself.Kevin doesn’t even scold him because he's talking with his mouth full.Brian, on the other hand, looks at him hurt and slightly offended, but Nick is too busy swallowing quickly, before smirking at Howie: "I know what he is, though".Howie has the sensation that he should’ve stayed in his room, but it's too late now."Please, let me out of this" he moans, but obviously Nick doesn’t consider him.
"He’s Iran; hottest in the world, makes you sweat just thinking about it"Nick says it with the dirtiest voice that may have ever come out of him, and he doesn’t even have the decency to blush."Fuck you" Kevin howls, and he’s this close to cut his own finger, trying to slice the vegetables while trembling with laughter.
"I didn’t do anything wrong" Howie complains, hiding his head in his arms. Brian pats his shoulder, but it's not so comforting.At his side, AJ tries to hold back a grunt, but without really succeeding.
Howie tries hard not to look back at him."I still don’t understand" AJ announces, with a slightly confused voice.
"Kevin decided that we’re fucking old, and we all can be on our own" Nick explains. "And this makes him Switzerland, so no matter how much we're in love with people whom don’t love us back, or how stupid we are in being the only ones who don’t understand when they do" he says, raising his voice, "he loves us equally".
"I couldn’t have said it better" Kevin nods, giving him five.Brian tightens imperceptibly his lips, and AJ doesn’t seem satisfied enough.Fuck, this is hell. VI. Howie is sitting on the edge of the pool, and has given up avoiding the splashes that come, especially Nick’s ones.It's a beautiful day of August, sun is high in the sky, and lots of other bullshit.
Above everything else, tomorrow it’s his birthday.Nobody does anything to not remind him of it."Come in!" Nick shouts across the pool, and Kevin waves his hand. "Show us the new swimsuit, Sweet D!" Howie only grimaces, and Brian whistles: "You're only twenty-six and you're already boring!"
"I was born boring!" he says aloud, although he’d have preferred to keep it to himself.
"A little bit, yes"AJ is in front of him, his eyes half-closed from the sunlight and his hands are tight on his knees. He smiles, amused."Yeah well, I'm sorry" Howie murmurs, but AJ shakes his head and leans his chin on his knees, looking at him placidly.Howie suppresses a chill and the temptation to touch him."When we want a clown, we have Nick" AJ reminds him. "Where did you get this thing?" then asks in a critical tone, pulling the elastic of his costume and making it snap. "It sucks even for you, Howard"
"Nick’s bought it, and don’t call me that!" Howie exclaims, perhaps with more annoyance than he’d like to allow himself. "My mom only calls me so when she’s angry at me"
"I'm not angry at you" reasons AJ. "But Nick sucks in fashion, otherwise he wouldn’t have those pineapples on his ass".
"There’s nothing wrong!" Howie insists, despite his awareness that a green, purple and golden swimsuits has so many wrong things.
AJ laughs slightly and nods: "Okay, okay, sorry. I forgot that you and Nick-"
"It’s not like that"And Howie curses himself because fuck, he shouldn’t give any explanation.
It shouldn’t feel so bad every damn time, it shouldn’t be that hard.
And every time AJ looks at him so wounded, he loses a piece of soul."He's still lost for Brian" he says, watching Nick try to get on Kevin's back. "He’s clinging to me because he cannot have what he really wants"
"And you? What do you want?" AJ asks quietly, and it's a simple question, but it comes like a tornado.Because it doesn’t matter what Howie wants.
No matter how much he wants it, how strong he wants it.
He simply can’t afford it.So he swallows, and his throat burns with unshed tears, but when he speaks his voice is firm: "We can’t be friends".And if there's one thing that Howie will never forget, it’s AJ's lost and hurt gaze."W-what?"
"We can’t" Howie repeats slowly, and this time he wobbles and breathes quickly, and everything turns dark. "We're not friends, we'll end up just like those two, and we'll stop talking and we'll have so many regrets. And we'll say it was a good cause, and that we did it because we hated trouble. Instead, I love them, maybe too much" he laughs, but it sounds so sad that he has to bite his lips to hold a sob in.
"And what's the point in deluding ourselves? We're only hurting each other. I can’t do it, you know. I can’t do it to others; friends do not do that, we've never really been"There is a constant buzzing inside his head, the same one that’s making him open his mouth and spit what he hasn’t said in six years.
What he didn’t say because sometimes AJ was too close to take his breath away, or too far that physically hurt."Okay "AJ is looking at him, and his hand takes Howie’s and squeezes hard, strong as he’s never done before.
His expression is too painful to stand it, but it’s safe. And so is his voice when he speaks."If that's what- okay, we’ll not discuss it”For the first time in his life, as AJ comes out of the pool and walks away from him – again –, Howie struggles not to fall apart.***That night, everything is gray.
Howie crumbles.Someway, he's still fine.***"Happy birthday, Sweet D"
"Fuck you"
"And that's it, I told you we had to let him sleep"Howie doesn’t bother himself to correct Kevin, nor to take his head off the pillow.
His throat aches like hell, his eyes hurt so much that he has a migraine, and his chest is heavy with every breath."Okay, okay; go out, you two" a voice, calm but dry. “This boy and I have something to discuss"
"But-"
"Get the fuck out, Brian"This is not nice, Howie thinks, but it seems to work, because silence falls around him and the mattress lowers with a slight creak."So" Nick begins, with a sweet voice that isn’t his – but it’s fine and it’s always better than the arrogant tone that he had proudly brought up a few months before, "the others wanted to organize a surprise party, but I’ve decided that you don’t need one"Howie emits a verse of thanks, or at least he tries.
What comes out, however, it’s a screech that he hopes not to do ever again."Yeah, I figured. So; would you like to get out of there and tell me what happened?"His voice is hopeful, and Howie hates to disappoint him – he hates to disappoint anyone of them –so he slowly appears from the covers, and Nick winces."Oh, AJ?" he simply asks, and Howie only manages to nod slowly, before finding himself tightly hugged in the arms of his friend.Nick smells like oranges and honey, and it's good."I think someone got you the cake, actually. Nothing big; just a depressing, small cake. It's pretty sad to skip birthdays, dude"Nick is sitting next to him in bed, and he’s staring at the wall all the time, even while talking.
Howie lets him do it without complaining."Who cares. It's just a birthday" he murmurs, torturing his nails.
"You're a moron!" Nick huffs, throwing a pillow straight in his face.
"Ouch! And why this?"
"I’ve just said it, why!" Nick retorts, taking the pillow back. "I thought we had overcome all the ‘I’m worthless’ stuff for at least two years now. Stop saying that, that's why AJ always gets angry"
"What?"Nick rolls his eyes theatrically, but crosses his arms and he’s obviously embarrassed: "Well, it's not just AJ" he hurries to clarify, "but he’s… AJ, you know... This is pathetic, that you think you're useless. It's even more pathetic because you really believe it, and we do nothing but make you understand that without you we wouldn’t be- I shouldn’t explain it to you, you know?" he concludes, frustrated.Howie looks at him as he talks, and can’t help but smile all the time, because Nick’s always so expansive, so extra, so-everything that it’s almost impossible."I should have fallen in love with you" he laughs at the idea. "Maybe we could have done something better" he sighs, ignoring Nick's surprised look.
"Yes, you're right, it would’ve been nice, I bet; we’d probably be super romantic and we’d do a lot of sex, and you’d be very good, too" he pouts, as if it’s personal.Howie laughs hard this time, and his chest still gives him some twinge."I'm good in bed, and you say a lot of bullshit" he contemplates. "You gotta stop kissing me, by the way” he remembers, and Nick grins.
"Ah yes, that. Sorry" offers, but it’s clear that he’s not sorry at all. "I think there's a part of me that likes seeing Brian upset" he admits.
"Nick-" Howie begins, taking his hand, but Nick shakes his head.
"I know it’s not forever" he whispers, resting his head on his knees. "I home. That's what I said to him, you know" he reveals, nibbling at his thumb. "I want my best friend back, I'm sorry if I kissed you" he repeats, but this time it's full of shame. "I didn’t wanna use you; I just wanted him to see that I’m fine even without him, that I can do it, and that- I really don’t know"Howie smiles: "It’s okay. And, you know” he sighs, because that’s really weird, “if it can help for the cause, you can kiss me, sometimes. Not always!" he adds, seeing Nick's smirk. "Only now and then, and keep your tongue in, please" he says, slightly desperate.Nick laughs and starts jumping on the bed, making it creak dangerously."You're the best non-boyfriend in the world!" he announces, coming down from the bed and heading for the door.
"Oh, I forgot: Kevin has offered to prepare whatever you want for breakfast, as long as the ingredients are at home. So, what do you want?”I wanna die for a while, it’s the first thing he thinks, but Nick smiles even wider, and he shakes the idea away.Maybe for Nick, he can do it, after all."Pancakes would be great" Nick is, above everything else, a dirty liar."You said-" he begins, but then decides to let it go; arguing with Nick is stupid and harmful – and then Kevin's pancakes are fucking good.Fuck Nick."If I’d told you that we had prepared the party, you wouldn’t have left your room" Nick explains with a wink. "And I know that's the point" he adds annoyed, when Howie tries to open his mouth.
"Traitor" is the only thing he grunts.
"There's only us, anyway. Maybe Leigh’s gonna come tomorrow, she's busy today" Brian says, and Howie only nods.No one asks Brian what his girlfriend may have so important to do that she can’t be near him for a whole day, and he doesn’t inform them.
Nick coughs softly.The perfect balance between them is beautiful. If there's one thing that Howie thought he'd lost along with AJ (his heart tightens a little), it's the insistence on how he should dress.
Clearly, he hasn’t thought of Nick."Seriously, just because you can’t bother Brian anymore, you don’t have to start with me" he protests, but he regrets it immediately. "Sorry" murmurs, but Nick smiles at him and arranges the collar of his shirt, lingering on his shoulders.
"You're fucking cute. No, you’re smokin’ hot" he says, and Howie feels his cheeks turn dangerously pink.Nick and his bad habit of looking people in the eye."Thanks, Nick"
"Can I kiss you?"Howie looks at him confused: "Brian isn’t here, Nicky"
"Yes, I know, but-" Nick is hasty, and holds lightly his fingers on his arm, and looks terribly embarrassed, so Howie shakes his head slightly and sighs, bringing his face close to the other and catching his lips.It's strange, but not unpleasant – thankfully, since he gave him a free pass to do it over and over again.
Nick's breathing is accelerated, and a hand moves behind Howie's neck, in his hair."Don’t cut it" he breathes against his mouth. "It’s fucking sexy, and it’ll make AJ go crazy” he smiles, licking his lips.It’s not a gesture as sexy as critical."And keep putting lipstick on" he says "it’s good, you know".Then he hugs him, and even though Nick is taller than Howie by several inches, his head still falls under the other’s chin.
It's kinda cute, actually."If with AJ wouldn’t end well, will you think about me?"
"Obviously, I'm already doing it" Howie says, pinching his ass.Nick yelps and squirms, but he doesn’t move away, so they’re forced to stay in front of the closet like two total idiots.But who cares. The music is too loud, and Howie has drunk more than necessary, and it's all the several toasts’ fault; the first was ‘to Howie’, the second ‘to twenty-six’ and he doesn’t remember the third, but it may be to Michael Jackson."This here is to the twenty-seven that will never come" he mutters, trying to hold the glass as steadily as possible and sitting in the most hidden corner he can find."The secret is ignoring panic and pretending to be having fun"Kevin is standing in front of him, and he's smiling, the asshole."Is it so obvious?" Howie asks, and Kevin shakes his head unconvincingly.
"It's your fault!" the other complains. "You said we were only us, and yet there are at least thirty people!" he accuses Kevin, making him look up at the sky.
"We are fifteen, D. Four of which it’s us, “he points out. "Stop being Nick".Four.Howie hasn't seen AJ all day but doesn't dare ask where he is.
Maybe it's better this way, but it's the first time since he’s in the band that he celebrates a birthday without AJ.And no, it's doesn’t make him feel good.The mood drops fast, and Kevin seems to notice, because he wraps his arm around him and takes the glass out of his hand."I think it's enough for tonight? You have to blow out the candles in a while, we don’t want you to get your hair burned" he jokes, giving him a kiss on the cheek.It's strange, with Kevin. It's not like he doesn’t love him – he does, really, but if Kevin kisses you, it's because something has happened, more or less serious.
And Howie doesn’t believe he's ready to endure any bad news."Listen" Kevin starts, and Howie sighs.Exactly."I know I’m not here enough for you guys, trying to organize everything and following you is complicated, and unfortunately the band comes first" he continues, and it's bitter.
"I know"Howie actually knows it.There’s not much to discuss, because it’s just like that. It’s been like that since he signed the contract, perhaps without too much awareness, and with a slightly lighter heart in knowing that he wouldn’t had to take care of three little boys of his own.And there are times when Howie wants to be back in Florida so hard that it's almost annoying.
Days when he’d only be a son, and a brother.
Days when he looks in the mirror and the reflection he sees makes tears come to his eyes.Sometimes he lets them fall."It doesn’t have to be like that all the time, you know that, right?”
"What?"Kevin runs his hand across his face, and Howie feels his weariness."What I mean is... Hell, I don’t want your life ruined by the band, okay?" he says. "You're twenty-six, not seventy; you cannot sacrifice yourself"
"Kev-"
"No" Kevin interrupts him, and this time it's strong enough for some heads to turn around.
"You have to stop doing that" he adds, under his breath. "Damn, Nick told me you left Kayla; I didn’t even know there was a Kayla in your life!"
"I didn’t think we had to confess ourselves" Howie says softly, but he doesn’t have the bravery to tell him while looking him in the eye.
"Nobody has ever asked you to choose either him or the band"It's like a slap.Howie has a stupid desire to laugh and cry and scream at the same time, but he only shrugs his shoulders: "There was no need" he murmurs. "You're not the only one responsible here" he says, getting up and heading towards the porch.Kevin follows him, grabbing him by the shoulders and turning him towards him: "I don’t want you to be responsible! Okay, that, too" he corrects himself with a sigh at the look of Howie. “Because if you stopped, I’d be alone and fuck, I already anxiety. And it's not a metaphor, Howie; I really have anxiety, and it drives me crazy"Kevin takes a deep breath, and Howie doesn’t believe he’s ever seen him so nervous in his life.
That's not the Kevin he's used to be around – but on the other hand, it's not as if Howie has really shown all of himself."It’s not a problem, I am responsible. I don’t get lost in the way"Logically, it's true. But Kevin isn’t happy anyway."That's the point" he says, annoyed. "I only wish that you’d do it, sometimes. That you wouldn’t shut up, that you’d say what you want. That you’d take it”Just once in your damn life"Everyone keeps telling me so" recalls Howie. "Nick told me, too, and- fuck, I'm not like you, okay? I'm not like you, I'll never be, and I don’t even want to. I don’t really give a fuck of what you do. Honestly" he points out, and he’s more poisonous than he should, he’s aware of it, but it's hot, Nick's shirt is irritating his skin and Howie feels the need to tear it away, and his brain doesn’t seem to have brakes anymore."Because if being you means to take all your things well, thank you very not, I'm fine as I am. I'm fucking tired of you being tired for doing stuff other people is paid for, and of Brian that now exists only as a reflection of his wife – because you know that they’re basically getting married, don’t you? And Nick- Christ" he laughs, out of breath, but it's not funny. "Nick kisses trying not to think about him, or maybe while thinking about him, I don’t even know… and I let him do it anyway, because it can’t be more fucked up than already is, right? Do you realize how much we suck? Fuck, right now my life seems so much better I don’t know what I’m complaining about"Kevin, fortunately for both, doesn’t say anything.
Maybe because there's nothing to say – for once, Howie took care of it –, but from the look of his friend, Howie realizes he’s said a little too much.He tries to find the voice: "Sorry... No, I don’t apologize at all" he says anyway, trying to ignore Kevin's expression.A part of his brain realizes that he’s been standing in that position for five minutes."And since you’ve asked me what I want, I'll tell you right away: I want those people out of the house, whoever they are" he sighs. "When I said I didn’t want to celebrate, I meant it. And I guess it's my fault; I never say things clearly and when I do..."Kevin only nods, picking up the glass from the ground and heading slowly toward the house.
It’s when he notices his low shoulders, that Howie calls him without wanting."Kevin?" he says, uncertain, but he bites his lip because maybe he’s exaggerated, and maybe Kevin will be angry for a long time, and-
"Love you, Howie" he says without looking back, and shakes his hand before closing the door behind him."Man, only you can stay here depressed, while at home there’s a party for you"Howie jumps; AJ is in front of him, swinging on his feet, something in his hand that quickly disappears behind his back.
He's not really smiling, but he's not even totally serious. He’s not wearing glasses, and his eyes seem sincere.
Howie feels something move in his stomach, and perhaps partly is the alcohol that has drained, but there's more.There’s that AJ is the most beautiful thing that Howie has ever seen, and it’s not something he can fake his feelings about.
He’s long been accustomed to the fact that no matter how much time it’ll pass, he’ll never stop making that effect to him."There should be cake, I haven’t turned off the candles yet" he shrugs, like an explanation. "And I don’t even intend to" he adds.This time, AJ's lips pull in a real smile, but he doesn’t answer.Howie doesn’t blame him.
AJ is a good person, but he's still a twenty-year-old anyway, and Howie knows he doesn’t deserve anything he's willing to give him.
Still, AJ is back there, in front of him. It almost seems like a fucking joke."I don’t want the cake. Sousa told me that I’ve gained weight in the last year, and though she didn’t say it explicitly, I think I'm on a diet" he says, grimacing.
"Why are you doing this?"AJ looks at him curiously: "I'm doing what?".Howie doesn’t want to clarify. He doesn’t want to nothing, because it's a perfect moment – AJ is there, and he's talking to him, and he's joking – it's all fucking perfect, and he risks ruining it again.
So he lowers his eyes, takes a breath, and asks quietly: "Do you sit down for a while?""You're really stupid, sometimes" AJ says, sighing, but still comes closer and sits next to him, and Howie can’t help but stare at their shoulders that touch each other in a contrast of colors.Fuck his sentimentalism."This is for you" AJ says, placing on his lap the box Howie had seen before. "It's not wrapped because I suck at wrapping things, you know"
"I know, I know. Denise still calls me to make sure I wrap yours" Howie giggles. "Not the last time, anyway" he frowns at the thought.
"I could have told her to leave you alone for a while, a few months ago. I wasn’t sure how wide the line you wanted to draw was" AJ admits, looking in the distance. “Well, I know, now”Howie allows himself to look at him for a moment, but it's a mistake, because AJ is an inch from him, and his expression is broken, and it's all his fault."Alex" he tries, touching his arm. AJ twitches but doesn’t move.
"I didn’t know what to give you-"
"You didn’t have to give me anything" Howie replies, but AJ shakes his head.
"Yes, I know you think so... I’ve told Nick not to prepare anything" he snorts, pointing to the house with a wave of his hand, "but he hasn’t believed me, or maybe he just wanted to go against Brian, who knows. Fucking hormones" he mutters, but in his tone there’s an amused note. "It’s not a real gift, anyway. Jenny had the idea, actually"And Howie knows he has no right to feel jealous. So, he keeps his feelings and smiles, instead."She looked fantastic, the day I met her" he murmurs, and it’s true.In some ways, it’s even more nauseating.
There's probably something funny in his face, because AJ stares at him for a while, then laughs."She is" he agrees, nodding. "C’mon, open it, I'm getting old"AJ's gaze burns at him as he opens the lock, and Howie hopes it's not a stupid jumping animal or anything else, because otherwise-"What- AJ” he exclaims, and he doesn’t know what to say.There are pictures, of all sizes and types, and Howie notices that some of them have writings in the back."I couldn’t remember all the situations" AJ says apologetically. "I thought that probably the boys can help you and you can always add them"Howie doesn’t answer, but with a lump in his throat realizes that they are all of them two."We’ve taken that while I was doing the nostril" AJ holds a picture in front of Howie. "I wanted it so much and I was fucking scared, so I asked you to come with me"
"I held your hand the whole time, and I threatened to tell everyone that you had cried while doing it" Howie smirks, and AJ groans, hitting his shoulder.
"Sweet D ain’t so sweet" he laughs.
"I am sweet"
"You are, indeed" AJ says softly. Howie tries to ignore the fact that his ears are burning and keeps looking at the other things."What’s this?" he asks, picking up a plastic ring.AJ opens his mouth but closes it quickly and blushes."Oh, that’s stupid" he mutters, then he rolls his eyes at Howie’s face. "You gave it to me on the first day as band"Howie tries to remember, but it's been a long time, and there are things – and people – of those years that he prefers to forget."I can’t remember" he admits, turning it over his fingers. "Do you?"AJ smiles like he’s never done before, and Howie needs a few seconds to really listen to him."Right after introducing us and all that shit of initiation, Lou told us to get to know each other better in front of a hot chocolate, but Nick complained because he wanted to eat salty or whatever, so we went into this shitty bar and you bought a pack of chips for each one. You two won the rings, and I had a fucking trashy tattoo and fuck, that ring was great, so I asked it to Nick, but the kid made a huge show, really, and then you took yours off and put it on my finger, and you said 'keep it, and when you’ll grow up we'll do things seriously' or something, and I knew you were kidding, okay? But still I believed it, for a while"In the end, AJ's voice is barely a whisper, and his fingers are nervously tapping on his jeans, until Howie holds them in his and keeps them on his lap. The usually perfect black nail polish is eaten away. Howie's heart sinks a little."Guess I knew what I had in front of me" he observes, smiling, but AJ doesn’t answer.
“Bone” Howie murmurs, but AJ doesn’t seem listening to him.
“Was it true? All the stuff you said yesterday at the pool; did you really think that?”
“No. Fuck, no” Howie breathes, closing his eyes and trying to find the right words. God knows if there’s any. “I thought- I didn’t think, actually. I know it’s not an excuse, but please, try to understand. What we have, I can’t- God no, don’t cry”But it’s too late, because AJ breaks out in tears, and all that Howie manages to do is hug him and stay like that, with his friend's body shaking with sobs, and Howie can physically feel AJ's pain – maybe because they're feeling the same thing – that hurts like a bitch."Please, don’t do that. Don’t leave me behind" AJ exhale. "I don’t want anything, nothing more than that, but I need you. Please" he begs, leaning his head against the other, and Howie can’t stand it anymore.He just wants AJ to stop suffering because of him, and the words of Nick and Kevin persistently resound in his head.
Take what’s yours
For once
"I love you" he says simply, as he looks AJ straight in the eye and holds his stare on him; and it’s only in that moment, while the knots in his stomach, and in his heart, and in his throat loose, that he realizes how true it is. "I’ve never left you behind. I don’t think I wanna do a single step without you by my side”And the next moment, when AJ's vehemence makes its way to his mouth, and on his neck, and on his chest, everything stops, and behind closed eyelids, Howie sees the world in color. Howie is fully aware that he’s awake, and he’s pretty sure that AJ knows it, too, but still keeps his eyes closed, his face close to his boyfriend's chin. AJ smells like sweat, and sex, and cigarette."I'm not complaining, you know. I'm fucking grateful to have you naked and sticky on my bed, but I gotta say that maybe I should have reserved it for December, or at least for fall; it's fucking hot here. So, can you stop pretending that you’re sleeping, so that we go in the shower, alternate soap and sex, and then go downstairs optimistic that someone has already made breakfast? And I think I have to thank Kevin, too. Like, for the amount of hotness that now I have right next to me"Fucker."You have no respect" Howie moans annoyed, untangling himself from AJ and opening an eye just to glare at him. "I wasn’t pretending, I was just relaxing before actually start our last day of peace"And he's not lying: if on one hand he’s sure that being with AJ is his plan for the rest of his life, without even go too crazy about it, on the other he’s not sure he can deal with everything that comes with it.
And this, at least for now, Howie prefers to keep it to himself.But there is one thing that still itches.And if sex – that magnificent, long and perfect sex – has sent it away for a while, in the dark Howie had kept wondering if it was right to bring some things to the surface.
The conclusion had come about four and a half hours later, and Howie believes he has procrastinated enough. So, with an effort, he forces himself to ask: "Could you… tell me about Jenny?".AJ laughs again, and it's the same laughter he did the night before."Jenny... Fuck, Jenny is awesome" he says, trying to stay serious. "Chocolate eyes, rebellious curls, sense of humor almost to zero, but still laughs at my jokes. And she’s Latina; when she dances, she can move those hips very well"Howie slowly registers what AJ is saying, then-Oh
He's so idiot.He realizes he’s said it aloud when AJ laughs even louder."Don’t worry, Brian also took a while to get it" he says after a minute, but he's still grinning too hard for having really done. "But Kevin- ha! Dad always knows everything!"Howie shakes his head, and everything is completely messed up inside."I’m not sure I’ve understood" he says.
"Well, not your first time" AJ replies, but there is no rage or negative feeling in his voice. "How many times do you happen to meet a person whom looks so much like the one you really want, both inside and out? Fuck, that sounds really bad!" he laughs, but he's nervous, and he avoids Howie's eyes.
"Sounds really like you" Howie says, and try to play as neutral as possible.For AJ it must be reassuring, because he relaxes and when he starts talking again, his voice is back to the same as always."She knew it. She got it in a fucking second, don’t even ask. They feel all that shit, women" he mutters. "And she is the one who told me that I had to give you something you couldn’t get on your own; something that you couldn’t buy in stores, and I thought- memories should be shared with someone…" AJ swallows. "If you couldn’t remember what was beautiful between us, what was beautiful in you, maybe... Maybe I could had done it for you"
“Alex-”
“You know” AJ inhales hard against his chest, “I shouldn’t even say all this stuff right now. You’re fully unaware that people love you-”
“I just don’t care about people”
“- but you know that I love you. And I think it’s enough”Howie agrees. "So" AJ murmurs five minutes later, under the water stream, "we’ve finally made it clear that no matter how much fear we have, we have to tell things to each other"Howie tries to nod and follow AJ’s train of thoughts, but the other’s hands make their way on his hips, and Howie distractedly wonders if AJ can’t find better use for his mouth than to speak.
But he’s not rude, so he lets his tongue run down his neck and then falls down on a nipple, and Howie promises to himself never to make such embarrassing sounds again, but AJ trembles against his chest and falls to his knees, watching him closely while his hand wraps on his dick."Talk" he says, huskily. "I’m gonna listen to you"And since it's obvious that AJ knows how to listen, Howie talks.Or well, at least he tries. "Take a fucking picture, Bri, it will last longer"
"AJ!""Sorry" Brian jumps, settling in the chair. "There's something weird I don’t understand- oh"
"Got it!" AJ says rather pleased to Howie, letting his hand go and sitting on his lap. "You worried about nothing, I told you it was pretty simple!"
"If it was simple, you two would have been engaged for years, now" Brian considers, but the middle finger that AJ reserves to him closes any possibility of dialogue.Kevin nods, satisfied.Howie silently watches Nick pouring the syrup into the pancakes, trying not to get Kevin's favorite tablecloth dirty; he doesn’t seem particularly shocked, or interested at all (Howie imagines he knew more than he said, the not-a-kid-anymore), but every now and then, when he thinks Howie isn’t looking, he raises his eyes slightly, then lower them again quickly."Are you okay, Nick?" Howie asks him, bringing his head close to the other’s.Nick just nods, putting a huge bite in his mouth and getting up from the chair."Frack, let's play soccer tonight?"Brian's tone is not the usual; he's more hopeful, and Howie can’t help but feel a bit of satisfaction."I don’t know, man, I'm busy" says Nick, looking around. "Have you seen my jacket somewhere?"
"If you mean the yellow one, I put it to wash" Kevin sighs. "Really, just because you're nineteen, it doesn’t mean that your armpits have become less lethal"Nick rolls his eyes: "I was talking about the green and purple one"
"I'll throw it away as soon as you're distracted" AJ promises. "There’s no such thing as having produced such a bad brand. And you really spent money on it"
"Said the one using girly t-shirts" Nick replies, making everyone laugh – and Howie tries to be serious, but not enough."Come on, I’ve convinced Leigh to have an evening with her girlfriends just for it" Brian complains, grabbing his wrist and hugging his legs.
"We could play a little bit, go to any club you like and order whatever drink you want and then sleep together, like old times"
"I don’t-"Nick bites his lip, looking at Brian's head and brushing his hair.The 'old days' are tempting, Howie can just look at AJ to get it. And then there's Nick's broken heart.
Howie gets that, too."That’s embarrassing" AJ says, winking at Nick, and he moves so fast that Brian almost fall off the chair."I'll let you know, okay?"And before anyone can say anything, Nick is gone.While everyone is busy to shut their mouths, Brian has the decency to look guilty, and with his puppy face he rests his chin on the bench and decides to stay like that.Howie loosens the hold of AJ's hand: "I need to talk to Nick before he leaves, come to me when you're done here?"AJ nods, and that's enough. "I knew you didn’t have to go anywhere!"Nick gasps, looks up, and snorts: "Damn" he mutters, moving away from the wall on which he’s leaning, and the reaction hurts Howie just a little bit."I thought you wanted to be found" he apologizes. Well, he could avoid stopping at the corner, anyway.
"No, really" the other blurts out, kicking a pebble. "I really have stuff to do, but I prefer to calm down before I get there. And I didn’t think you would have bothered yourself to follow me, anyway" he adds, indifferent.Howie looks at him stunned: "What was that?"
"Fuck, sorry" Nick breathes quickly, sitting on the asphalt and sinking his face in his hands.And it’s in these moments that Howie appreciates to know how to keep his mouth shut and not be impulsive, because the first instinct (really small, almost non-existent) is to kick Nick’s ass, the second is screaming at him and then leave.The third, however, is by far the most useful, so he sits by his side and waits patiently."I can’t stand it again" is what comes out after a few minutes; Nick’s voice is suffocated by his clothes.
"You can’t stand what? I think the big thing is already done, Nick" Howie sighs, placing a hand on his back in a sort of comforting way. "Although, I have to tell you, it’s gonna last... I was almost hoping the contrary, honestly. I think it’s Brian's fault, but if I hear him another time talking about that girl-"
"It's not that"So, Howie feels dumb.
And also a bit of an asshole for criticizing one of his best friends’ girlfriend, but whatever.Then something clicks in Howie."Nick" he says, seriously "I will not stop being your friend because of AJ, you understand?"
"Okay"But obviously he doesn’t sound convinced (Brian must have really broken him), so Howie forgets all his good intentions and lifts Nick’s head, making sure that he has eyes and ears wide open."I am not Brian” he says, "and- AJ is not Leigh, Nicky. He loves you”
"He said the same" murmurs Nick, sniffling. "He seemed so convinced"
"Yeah well, he's a dick" Howie blurts, surprising himself – and Nick, who’s looking at him in awe.
"Has Kevin finally given you the speech?"
"But why you all talk behind my back?" Howie groans, standing up and offering his own hand to Nick. "And look, Brian is a dick; but he's a head-over-heels in love dick. And he’s trying. So stop being stupid and fucking go out with him tonight”
"Whoa" Nick exclaims, hitting softly his chest, "there's no need to be rude"
"Nick-"
"Okay, okay" Nick raises his hands, "tell him I’m down for it, okay? I'm already late and... uh. Is our contract still on?" he asks, nervously.
"Thinking about it, it's pretty unhealthy, can’t you ask Kevin?" Howie suggests.
"Kevin is also taken!"
"Not with AJ" Howie grunts, still approaching. Little fucker, he’s gonna ruin him. "Promise me that when all the ‘broken heart’ thing ends, it will end this, too.Nick seems offended: "And you just said that nothing would have changed!"Howie opens his mouth to argue, but Nick is still a nineteen-year-old who takes advantage whenever he can, so he anticipates kissing him – maybe a bit too strong, but it could be the last, so Howie doesn’t care."And what the fuck is this?"AJ is inside Kevin's car, and he's looking at Nick so badly that Howie is impressed he's not running away yet."A contract?" he tries, looking into the window. If AJ is going to beat Nick, at least Howie can slow him down.Instead, AJ is thoughtful: "A contract" he repeats. "And how far does this contract go?"
"A kiss every once in a while. Like, when Nick is lonely and depressed" Howie reassures him.
"It had to be a secret, by the way!"
"Shut up, Nicholas!" Howie and AJ snap together, and Kevin seems totally wrecked."I don’t-" he begins, then shakes his head. "Switzerland" he says, firmly. "Remember, Kevin: you’re Switzerland. Are you going downtown, Nick? I can give you a ride"
"Where did you leave Brian?" Nick asks, curious.
"We ran off as soon as he started talking about Leigh. Again” AJ grumbles, stepping out of the car. "I love the boy, but if I hear another thing about her again-"
"Yeah, yeah, we already know" Nick says amused. "Looks like I'll have a lot of fun tonight" he sighs. "You know" Howie says when they leave, taking AJ's hand, "I don’t wanna go home if there's Brian"
"You're the worst."AJ laughs loudly and doesn’t stop for a while, not even when Howie wraps a hand behind his neck to kiss him, and laughs a little louder when Howie doesn’t care they're in the middle of the road, and grabs the back of his knees and he wraps them around himself; but he’s a little more breathless when he finds himself with his back against the wall and perhaps the irregular plaster might have broken his tank, but AJ groans anyway, with the other’s tongue touching his ear, and Howie decides that’s what he wants to see and hear for the rest of his days."Maybe- fuck" AJ groans, "maybe we should go home, after all"
Or we could stay here and I would fuck your brain out right against this wall
"Much better" Howie murmurs, trusting his hips against him, "we go to the lake, and you make me hear some more of those pretty sounds you can do"AJ nods eagerly, moaning into his mouth. "We have years to make up for" he agrees, pressing his fingers hard into Howie's shoulders.Howie lets him go slowly, but he keeps kissing him."I fucking love you" he says he is from the blue, and it’s honest in a way that makes Howie shiver, but the smile he gets from AJ it’s totally worth, damn.
"Yeah, me, too."And it’s as they walk through grass and foolishness, that Howie stops listening to AJ and a strange feeling swells his chest dangerously, but Howie realizes he’s not afraid anymore, and chuckles happily."What?" AJ stops. "You weren’t listening to me at all, weren’t you?"
"No" Howie admits, laughing. "Sorry" he offers.
"Ha, who cares. It wasn’t important. What were you thinking about, anyway?”
I have so much love for you into me that I could explode
Howie smiles: "You show me colors that I don’t think exist"AJ looks confused, but it doesn’t matter. He'll get it, sooner or later.Howie smacks a kiss in his cheek, and grabs his waist: "Forget it. You were saying?".