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The meeting room was always more cramped than Namjoon remembered. Twelve chairs lined three of the four walls, with a computer desk and a chair on the remaining wall. Above the computer desk, was a mounted TV screen.Namjoon sat at the desk finalizing his lesson plan for the evening. He felt anxious, but he always felt this way when a new intensive outpatient program began. Fresh faces were always welcomed, because it meant reaching out to help more individuals. However, it was always bittersweet, because the people who came to these meetings generally struggled with depression, anxiety, addiction and other complex situations.This groups sessions lasted for three hours in the evening, three days a week, for eight weeks. It wasn't called an "intensive" outpatient program without reason. Namjoon looked at the roster and noted all six group members were men. He sighed. This was going to make things tricky. After leading numerous group sessions, all men groups tended to be more challenging in the beginning. Group therapy was all about talking and men, on average, didn't want to talk about their problems. He hoped there was at least one talkative person among them. If one talked, it made it easier for the others to open up as well.A soft knock made Namjoon jump and pulled him from his thoughts.A young man was standing at the door. He wore a beanie pulled a little too far down on his head, making his ears stick out and forward. His body was engulfed in a large brown coat, making his thin appearance seem even slimmer. The man saw Namjoon and the smile that spread across his face made the whole room feel ten degrees warmer."Hello! I'm here for the IOP group. Do I have the right room?" The young man looked around the tiny meeting room curiously before locking his eyes back on Namjoon.Namjoon stood up and offered his hand in greeting. "Yes! I'm Namjoon. I'll be leading the group sessions.""I'm Hoseok," the man said brightly as he turned and sat against the wall opposite the desk, completely ignoring Namjoon's outstretched hand.Namjoon wasn't sure if Hoseok just didn't see his hand or didn't like handshakes. He tried to brush it off by running his hand through his hair and straightening his glasses. He sat back down at the desk and clicked print on the completed lesson plan before locking his computer screen."I'll be back in a moment. I have to grab something from the printer. There are some binders on the shelf there. Please grab one. You'll need it to store your group materials." Namjoon pointed towards a neat stack of white binders on a small shelf perpendicular to the desk before leaving the room.Hoseok grabbed an empty binder and sat back down. Now that Namjoon was gone, the bright smile faded from his face. He had never been in a group therapy session before and didn't know what to expect from the session. Hoseok did fine with one on one therapy in the quiet and comfort of confidentiality. Sharing his feelings and fears and intimate details about one of the worst days of his life didn't feel like help. However, being here wasn't voluntary.Namjoon reentered the room with another young man. He had dark hair that was grown out long enough to cover his eyebrows and brush against his eyelids. His face looked sullen and pale, which was exaggerated by the all black ensemble of pea coat and skinny jeans."Hoseok, this is Yoongi. Yoongi, this is Hoseok." Namjoon introduced them cheerily.Yoongi nodded towards Hoseok in acknowledgement, but said nothing as he sat in the left corner of the room. Namjoon handed Yoongi a binder and a couple sheets of paper. He handed these same papers to Hoseok before sitting back down at his desk.Yoongi looked over the papers carefully. One sheet was a set of guidelines for the group, another was phone numbers to a crisis hotline and the direct line to the IOP room. The remaining papers were a packet for the first session containing print outs of PowerPoint slides, worksheets, and homework. He sighed and relaxed his body as much as he could into the uncomfortable chair. He thought this program was a waste of his time, staving off the inevitable. Eight weeks wouldn't change his situation, his feelings, or his mind."Oh! Hello! Welcome!" Namjoon's voice chimed, alarmed at first.A very young looking man had appeared in the doorway. He stood quietly, clutching a book bag to his chest like it was a life vest. The boy had large doe eyes that looked into you and through you. He wore jeans that were ripped at the knees and a very over-sized, black hoodie that reached down to his mid-thigh. Eyes wide, he looked around the room carefully, before settling on the seat closest to the door, furthest away from everyone in the room.Namjoon watched the boy take his seat before saying, "What's your name?"The boy mumbled something inaudible."Pardon?" Namjoon asked, leaning in closer."Jungkook," the boy said, his voice was timid and unsure.Namjoon thanked him before turning to his roster and checking another name off. It was almost time to begin the session and there were still three people missing. He hoped they would be arriving at any minute.Just as this thought filtered through his mind, two men showed up at the door, one after the other.The first man was tall with very broad shoulders. Namjoon had to make a conscious effort to keep his eyes from widening at the sight. His shoulders were so wide, they nearly spanned the width of the door frame. He wore a long tan trench coat, which was opened in the front, allowing the man's pale pink tee shirt to show through. The man's hair was dyed blonde and his eye brows were dark, giving him an intense appearance.The man entered the room confidently, waving to everyone and saying, "Hello, I'm Kim Seokjin."Hoseok cheerfully waved back to Seokjin and welcomed him. Yoongi grunted in acknowledgement. Jungkook didn't respond, as he was fussing with a loose thread attached to his book bag. Seokjin chose a seat close to Hoseok and they began chatting in hushed tones as if they had known each other for years instead of mere moments.Seokjin knew his coping mechanism for nervous situations was to over-exaggerate his confidence level. His father had taught him that even if you don't feel confident, making yourself appear confident will eventually give you confidence. Sometimes it worked and people responded well to his confidence. Other times, he could feel the room grow colder as people assumed he was an arrogant asshole. He could feel his ears burning red when the sullen man with the black hair simply scoffed at him. He pushed this anxiety down by chatting up Hoseok.The second man poked his head in from the side of the door frame and gave a long look at each group member before settling his eyes on Namjoon."IOP?" The man asked, walking in before an answer was given and sitting down in the other free corner of the room."Yes..." Namjoon hesitated, looking the man over. His hair was dyed an ashy-brown and it was pulled back with a headband, revealing a very smooth forehead. His skin was a golden, sun-kissed color which was complimented by the white button down shirt he was wearing. He sat with his legs sprawled out in front of him and arms draped over the two empty seats next to him, making himself look at ease. "Your name?""Taehyung," the man said. He ran a hand through his hair as he surveyed the room. Taehyung hadn't given the program much thought. It was recommended to him by the counselor he regularly saw once a week. At first he felt that it was just a ploy to get more money out of him, but after reading up on what the program offered, he decided he would give it a chance. He didn't have much else to lose after all.Namjoon looked at the clock and saw that it was 6:00 PM, time to start the session. They were missing one person, but this wasn't completely uncommon. Some people would just never show up to these types of programs. He understood. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to a group of strangers for several hours three days a week didn't exactly sound like a good time."Everyone," Namjoon stood up and shut the door to get everyone's attention. Seokjin and Hoseok silenced their conversation, Yoongi and Taehyung looked up at Namjoon, and Jungkook was still fixated on that thread attached to his book bag."Thank you all for coming tonight. I know it's not easy to be here. It takes bravery to come to group therapy sessions."Yoongi scoffed lightly, but tried to cover it up with a cough. Namjoon noticed, but decided not to engage."Everyone gets a binder. You will need to bring this binder with you to all your meetings. This is where you will put your lesson materials, homework, and diary worksheets." Namjoon began walking around the room, making sure everyone had a binder and the printed worksheets."Homework? I thought we just sat in a circle and talked about our feelings in group therapy," Seokjin commented."Oh, we'll do that too," Namjoon said, giving a warm smile that exposed dimpled cheeks. "The homework is to help you actively learn the skills and techniques we learn in group, versus passively listening to me telling you about them. Everyone learns differently."A small knock came at the door, so soft that Namjoon wasn't sure he heard it until a louder knock followed. He opened the door to find a small, young man nervously pushing his hand through his light brown hair. His full lips were parted and he was panting from running up the stairs."Am I too late?" the man asked, hope shining in his watery eyes."Of course not," Namjoon responded, warmly, ushering the man inside. "You must be Jimin?"The man nodded vigorously as he entered the room. The heavy knit sweater he wore slipped off of one thin shoulder, but he made no move to fix it. The large black boots he wore looked almost comical for his small, thin frame. They clunked heavily as he sat down at a seat between Taehyung and Namjoon's desk. He curled up the the chair, raising his knees to his chest and putting his feet on the seat, making himself seem even smaller. Namjoon handed Jimin a binder and paperwork, before turning to the group again."First, I would like to take some time and have everyone introduce themselves. We're going to be here a lot for the next eight weeks and it helps if everyone is familiar with everyone else. How about we start off with telling us your name and your favorite movie. Would anyone like to start us off?" Namjoon looked around the room, silently hoping someone would pipe up. He hated it when it felt like pulling teeth to get a response.Thankfully, Seokjin raised his hand. Namjoon nodded towards him. "Thank you, Seokjin!"Seokjin stood up and made eye contact with everyone before speaking, "Hello! My name is Seokjin. My favorite movie is... The Matrix."With astonishing flexibility, Seokjin imitated the famous scene of Neo back-bending to dodge the bullets from the agents, surprising everyone. Hoseok doubled over in laughter. Jimin cracked a smile. Taehyung wow-ed and applauded him. Yoongi managed a chuckle and Jungkook finally looked up from his book bag to see what the commotion was about. Seokjin sat back down, ears and cheeks turning a bright red as he joined in Hoseok's laughter.Namjoon looked at Hoseok, giving him a silent cue for him to continue the rotation of introductions.Hoseok wiped a tear from his eye and said, "I'm not even going to try to compete with that performance."Namjoon smiled broadly and nodded, "You don't have to. You can just tell us your name and your favorite movie. I do appreciate you starting us off with a good laugh, Seokjin."Hoseok calmed his laughter and cleared his throat before speaking. "My name is Hoseok and my favorite movie is Southpaw.""My name is Taehyung. I like the movie About Time.""Hi..." Jimin gave a small wave to everyone. "I'm Jimin and my favorite movie is The Notebook.""My name is Namjoon. My favorite movie is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.""Mine too!" A small voice piped up.The room shifted it's attention to the direction of the voice. Jungkook was looking at Namjoon as if he was the only person in the room, stars in his eyes and mouth agape to expose large bunny-like teeth. When he realized that all the eyes in the room were upon him, he immediately shrunk in his seat in an effort to make himself look smaller."I-I'm Jungkook and I also like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind..." he said in a small voice."Yoongi. Inception.""Good," Namjoon nodded. "Now how about your favorite type of music or your favorite musical artist?"Seokjin took the lead again without being prompted. "I like a lot of different kinds of music, but I listen mostly to pop, R&B, and rap. I like a lot of artists, so I don't think I could choose one.""Oh really?" Hoseok turned to Seokjin. "I like rap and hip-hop too, especially Drake.""I like jazz and any type of song that can bring forth emotions," Taehyung said. "I really recommend H.E.R and Chet Baker.""I like pop music mostly, but I also like music that allows you to dance to it," Jimin said.Namjoon nodded. "I like rap, but recently I've been listening to indie and alternative music.""I like all kinds of music..." Jungkook was no longer wide-eyed and balled up into his seat, he had relaxed to a more natural seated position, but his hands were still worrying at his book bag. "IU has a really pretty voice...""I don't like EDM." Yoongi had his arms crossed in front of him and he was slouched all the way down in his chair."Okay..." Namjoon said, trading lightly over Yoongi's obvious unrest. "Is there a type of music you do like?""Rap."Usually Namjoon would have three to four rounds of these ice breaker questions to help the group members connect and feel more at ease. However, it was obvious that Yoongi was becoming more agitated each round of questions. He felt it might be best to cut the round-robin short and speed through the group guidelines he was required to read in order to open the floor to the members to speak. Namjoon didn't expect Yoongi to open up today, but he at least wanted to give him the opportunity to speak if he felt so inclined."Okay, everyone," Namjoon clapped his hands together. "Before we jump into today's lesson, I am required to go over the guidelines for our group sessions. If everyone could look at the 'Guidelines for Group' sheet, we'll go over that together."Namjoon retrieved his own copy of the guidelines and read directly from it."Intensive Outpatient Programs, or IOP, are a type of group therapy that enable people to establish a foundation for long term recovery support. In this program, we use DBT, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. DBT is to help learn to be in the moment and aware of the things around you. The group facilitates self-awareness and introspection, which results in deep change. The following guidelines may help us stay in the moment and respect how each member processes their own individual challenges and will help us support in successes. 1. Speak with the first person 'I, instead of 'you'.
2. Speak from your honest feelings and thoughts. By practicing how to communicate exactly how you feel or think will increase your self-confidence.
3. Be aware at all times of your thoughts and feelings in the moment. Focus on staying present, not the past or future.
4. Read messages from your own body. These can give you insight into what emotions you are feeling.
5. Be aware of your characteristic behaviors. Some people like to withdraw, others become peace-makers.
6. Be aware of how persons in this group remind you of other significant people in your past of present life.
7. Listen actively. Don't read into or ignore things when a person is trying to convey what they are actually saying.
8. Do not speak for others. Speak what YOU are experiencing instead of focusing on what someone else is saying. Sometimes sympathizing with another is a way of deflecting your own feelings.
9. Expect periods of silence. Silence can be uncomfortable, but it can also be useful. Use it to be more aware of what's happening inside you.
10. Do NOT give advice. You may share your experience of similar situations and how you dealt with it, but do not give out advice."Namjoon looked up from the paper. "Even as a therapist, I am not allowed to give advice to you. Instead, I will help guide you using DBT principles... Any questions so far?"He paused to survey the room. Everyone shook their heads. The guidelines were straightforward enough."A couple of remaining things then before we take our break for the evening," Namjoon continued, placing the paper down on the desk and inserting his hands in his pockets. "I've given you a sheet with our direct phone line to this meeting room. If you are running late or cannot make it to a session, please call the attendance line and let me know."Namjoon noticed Jimin dip his head a little at the mention of tardiness. "If you do come in late, just simply come in as quietly as you can and take a seat. As with any class, if you miss too many sessions or come in late too often, you will have to restart the program. It's important that you all come to every session and come on time."Jimin looked up at Namjoon with worry etched onto his face. Namjoon gave a warm, reassuring smile. Jimin returned the smile with his lips, but the warmth never met his eyes."Lastly, IOP members get first priority when scheduling individual counseling sessions. IOP isn't easy. All the staff, the therapists, and myself are well aware of this. We're here to support you. We want you to succeed. You are all strong for being here today."Everyone had their eyes on Namjoon. Jimin's looked wet. Jungkook's eyes were as big as dinner plates. Seokjin and Hoseok were nodding, intensely listening. Taehyung was leaning forward, elbows on his knees, head in his hands. Yoongi's stand-offish demeanor from earlier had softened. Instead of his arms being crossed, he had his hands in his lap and he was picking at the sides of his thumbnails. When he made eye contact with Namjoon, he quickly looked away at the ground and clenched his hands into fists on his thighs.Namjoon removed his hands from his pockets and clapped them together once, as if attempting to clear the words that were left hanging heavy in the air."Now feels like a good time for our break."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The room emptied rather quickly once Namjoon announced it was time for them to take a short break. Only two people remained in the room, Namjoon and Jimin.Jimin, still curled up into his chair, pulled out his phone and began scrolling through it. Namjoon pulled out a lunchbox from beneath the desk and began eating the food he packed from home."Aren't you going to grab some food, Jimin?" Namjoon asked, vigorously stirring his kimchi fried rice.Jimin looked up surprised, taken off guard by the sudden question. "Oh, uh, I ate before I came here.""Is that why you were late?" Namjoon asked, looking up from his food, eyeing Jimin carefully."Uh... yeah," Jimin responded, his eyes fixed on Namjoon's hand as it spooned up some of the food.Namjoon hummed in acknowledgement before putting the spoon in his mouth, eyes never leaving Jimin. "I guess no one told you about the break you get." he said through a mouthful of food. "I wouldn't let you guys go hungry. I am aware of how long and late the sessions run."Namjoon smiled with his mouth closed, while his eyes turned into little half-moons above his stuffed cheeks, dimples appeared next to the corners of his mouth."I will be better about being on time. I am sorry," Jimin said."Don't apologize to me. You're not hurting my feelings. You are the one shorting yourself by being late."Jimin could feel Namjoon's intense gaze, but refused to look at him. He turned his attention back to his phone again, not knowing how to respond. Namjoon was right after all.The other members began filing back into the room not long afterwards. Yoongi and Jungkook returned with some vending machine snacks in hand, followed by Taehyung with a bag from Panda Express, and last was Seokjin and Hoseok with bags from McDonald's. Namjoon packed his food containers away and began fussing with the mounted TV screen and computer, trying in vain to get the two to connect. Jimin was watching Namjoon struggle while everyone else was trying to quickly finish their food before the session began up again.Jimin got up and took a few steps toward Namjoon. "Would you like some help?"Namjoon turned, surprised, "Oh. Sure. Thank you. I can never get the computer to connect properly to this TV."Jimin fussed with the casting settings on the computer for a few seconds before the TV screen blinked once and connected successfully."Wow! Thank you!" Namjoon exclaimed. "You will have to show me how to do that next time, okay?"Jimin nodded and returned to his seat, curling back up like a cat.Bags began rustling as the others finished their food and began disposing of their used containers. Namjoon pulled a PowerPoint up on the screen and turned to face the room."Thank you everyone for being back here on time. I greatly appreciate it," Namjoon began, using a remote clicker to swap out slides on the screen. "Our first lesson is about learning to identify emotions and label them."Yoongi and Seokjin snickered at the same time. They looked at each other in surprise. Yoongi looked away immediately, while Seokjin suppressed a giggle."I know it sounds like a very basic thing, but learning how to describe emotions will help you speak about them clearly to others when the time calls for it." Namjoon said, looking at Yoongi and Seokjin directly, but patiently. "Another important thing to understand is that there is a difference between thoughts and feelings."Hoseok furrowed his brow and made a gesture of flicking his head to the left and then straightening it. He raised his hand."Yes?" Namjoon said, pointing to him."Can you give us an example? I don't understand." Hoseok's brows furrowed deeper."Absolutely!" Namjoon exclaimed, happily. "Take the example sentence 'I feel like you're being unfair'. What you are actually expressing is a thought, not a feeling. The actual feelings you could be having are resentment or anger or hurt. So instead you would say something like, 'I think you are being unfair. I feel hurt by your actions.'"Hoseok flicked his head to the left and straightened it again."Feelings are sensations," Namjoon explained. "Feelings are related to thoughts, but they are not in themselves thoughts. Thoughts in and of themselves don't have any power or weight. If we believe them, or act on them, then we give them power. Similarly, thoughts can be linked to bodily sensations or feelings if they are intense enough. Does this make more sense, Hoseok?"Hoseok nodded. His face looked more relaxed, so Namjoon continued on."If you look on your diary card in the packet I gave you, you will see a list of common emotions that I would like you to rate daily. Stress, anxiety, anger, sad/depressed, fear, guilt/shame, pain/hurt, insecure, loneliness, and there's a spot for you to write in an emotion you may be feeling that's not on the sheet. I want you to rate those on a scale from zero to five. Zero means you are not feeling this emotion and five means you feel this emotion very intensely. I want you to come prepared with this section filled out as we will be starting off our sessions this way from now on. Obviously, since no one has their cards filled out, we're going to take a few minutes to complete this section now."Namjoon walked around the room distributing pencils. "Don't rush. I want you to really sit with your emotions and experience what you are feeling right now and how intensely you are feeling it."Yoongi gave Namjoon a long, hard stare when he offered him a pencil to complete the worksheet. Namjoon smiled and leaned in a little."Please just try, Yoongi" he said, softly.When Namjoon pulled back, Yoongi's eyes were reproachful. He took the pencil reluctantly and began looking over the diary card and scrawling numbers in the corresponding boxes.Taehyung was bouncing his right leg violently as he stared at the diary card. Nothing was written on it yet. Namjoon pulled over a footstool, sat down in front of him, and spoke softly, "How's it going, Taehyung?""It's not," Taehyung replied, his leg bouncing more furiously. Namjoon could feel the vibrations the impact was making on the floor."Ignore the words on the page for a moment." Namjoon closed Taehyung's binder."Can you focus on a bodily sensation you are having right now?""My stomach doesn't feel right," Taehyung said quietly."Okay. Now let's associate that feeling with a number. A one might feel something like butterflies in your stomach, very tolerable. A three might feel uncomfortable, like your stomach is in knots. A five might feel like you are going to be sick," Namjoon said."Ummm... I guess it's a three?" Taehyung said, twirling the pencil in his hand."Good. There's no wrong answer, Taehyung. Listen to your body and take your time." Namjoon stood up and went back to the front of the room."Has anybody completed their diary card that wouldn't mind sharing?" Namjoon asked. He sat down at his desk chair, facing the room and looking around at the members. He was not surprised when he saw Seokjin raise his hand. Namjoon nodded."Stress, zero. Anxiety, three. Anger, one. Sad/depressed, zero. Fear, zero. Guilt/shame..." Seokjin paused, mulling the words over in his mouth. "Uhhhm... four. Pain/hurt, one. Insecure, zero. Loneliness, zero."Namjoon jotted down the numbers on a notepad as Seokjin relayed his numbers aloud. The members didn't hand in their diary cards, so he had to make his own notes to track the progression of each person in the class."Would you tell me about the anxiety you are feeling?" Namjoon asked."I've never done this before... so I'm nervous about it." Seokjin let out a couple bursts of high-pitched laughter, ears turning red.Namjoon smiled and nodded, "Understood. How about guilt? Can you tell me the thoughts that made you feel guilty?"The deep flush in Seokjin's ears began to spread to his neck, a sunburn of embarrassment magically appearing on his skin, but his expression remained the same."I'd rather not," Seokjin said, flatly. He rapped his pencil a few times against the edge of his binder and fell silent."No problem," Namjoon said, smiling. He jotted down a couple of notes. "Are you currently on any medication?""No." Seokjin's tone was again flat. He looked down at his binder, pretending to be more interested in the diary card than he was on the conversation at hand.Namjoon jotted down a couple more notes and thanked Seokjin. "Anyone else ready to go?"Jimin looked around the room and then tentatively raised his hand. Namjoon acknowledged him with a nod."Stress, two. Anxiety, four. Anger, zero. Sad/depressed, three. Fear, zero. Guilt/shame, three. Pain/hurt, two. Insecure, five. Loneliness, zero." Jimin ran through his answers as quickly as he could with the thought that the quicker he read them, the less likely he would have to answer questions about his choice in numbers."Can you tell me why you are feeling insecure, Jimin?" Namjoon peered over top of his glasses to look at Jimin.Jimin's heart sank to the pit of his stomach. He curled himself back into a ball on his chair and spoke quietly. "I-I just don't have a lot of confidence in myself. I don't like how I feel about myself sometimes too..."Namjoon was nodding, watching Jimin intently, waiting for him to say more. The silence was uncomfortable for Jimin, but he wouldn't say more. Not yet."Are you on any medications?" Namjoon asked, scribbling on his paper.Jimin's stomach lurched. "Not anymore," he said even more quietly."Not a problem. Thank you for sharing, Jimin." Namjoon looked up give Jimin a warm smile. It made Jimin feel a little easier.Taehyung was next. "Stress, three. Anxiety, three. Anger, zero. Sad/depressed, five. Fear, one. Guilt/shame, two. Pain/hurt, five. Insecure, four. Loneliness, five.""There seems to be a lot going on, Taehyung... would you like to talk about what you're feeling?" Namjoon asked, his voice soft and encouraging.Taehyung's leg began to bounce again. He ran his fingers through his hair one way and then flattened it. He did this several times before speaking. "I'm recently divorced and... I have a lot of emotions inside me and it's overwhelming."There was a short pause before Taehyung spoke again. "We were together for nearly six years, married for only a year and a half... She told me that there was nothing I could do."Now that Taehyung started talking, he couldn't seem to get himself to stop. The words were flowing out of his mouth like bile, sour and thick on the tongue. He felt dazed. Focusing on the rhythmic movement of his leg gave him a weird sense of release for the pent up energy he was feeling."We went to one, one, counseling session. I wanted to make things work..." Taehyung felt a familiar hitch in his chest. "It hurts knowing that she didn't."It felt like a balloon was expanding in his chest, crushing his lungs and hindering his diaphragm, not allowing him to take a deep breath.
'Not again. Not now. Please not now.'
The thought kept repeating itself over and over like a skipping record in Taehyung's head. This did nothing but cause his breathing to become erratic, gasping and desperate. The muscles in his neck and chest tightened with the physical effort of tying to force a full breath into his lungs. He covered his face in his trembling hands. He didn't want anyone to look at him, even though he knew that all eyes were on him. His could feel the force of his heart beating hard in his neck, head, and chest. Tears sprung into the corners of his eyes and pooled in his lashes before falling into his cupped hands.Warm hands gently gripped Taehyung's shoulders. The touch caused conflicting thoughts to arise in his mind. One was to fall into the person's embrace and sob until there was nothing left inside him. The other feeling was to push the person away and flee. Neither happened. He sat paralyzed, unable to move, unable to breathe. He just wheezed and trembled helplessly."I want you to focus on pushing the air out of your lungs. All the air, until you feel like your chest is going to cave in," a soft voice said.It took several attempts of Taehyung's breath hitching in his throat, but eventually he forced all the air out of his lungs."Good," the voice said. "Now inhale very, very slowly, like you're sipping it through a straw."Resisting the natural urge to inhale all at once, Taehyung did as he was instructed. When his lungs were about halfway full, he reflexively yawned and filled his lungs completely."Good. Now I want you to count your breaths. Breathe in for five seconds and then breathe out for nine seconds."After two rounds of counting his breaths, Taehyung finally removed his shaking hands to see the voice belonged to Namjoon. Namjoon's face was calm, but his eyes were large and conveyed his concern clearly. "Would you like to take a quick break? You can go to the restroom if you like."Taehyung nodded, afraid that if he stopped counting his breaths to speak that he would begin hyperventilating again."Keep up with counting your breaths until you feel calmer. But know that you're okay now... I know that was hard, but thank you for sharing, Taehyung."Without a word, Taehyung got up and left the room quietly, avoiding everyone's eyes.Once the door closed behind Taehyung, Namjoon said, "Thank you for your patience and understanding, everyone. That might have been alarming for some of you, but know that Taehyung will be alright... Who would be okay with going next?"A few moments passed by while the room digested the event that just happened. Jungkook seemed most affected as his eyes were wide and glassy and never left Taehyung. Even after Taehyung has left the room, he continued staring at the closed door like a loyal puppy waiting for his owner to return home. Eventually the room stirred."I'll go." Hoseok said, "Stress, zero. Anxiety, four. Anger, one. Sad/depressed, three. Fear, five. Guilt/shame, four. Pain/hurt, three. Insecure, zero. Loneliness, zero.""What is making you feel fearful, Hoseok? Is your situation at work and home safe?" Namjoon asked.Hoseok hesitated, chewing on his lower lip in the same way he was chewing on the words he wanted to say next."I am safe," Hoseok began. "I am afraid, because I think my girlfriend will leave me..."Silence followed until the door clicked open and Taehyung re-emerged. He looked calmer, but completely drained of energy and emotion. His eyes were puffy and red and his skin looked ashen. Jungkook's eyes followed Taehyung back to his seat. He looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he cast his eyes down again and ripped an offending thread off of his book bag.Hoseok used this interruption to his advantage. He remained quiet, not wanting to speak anymore on the matter."Okay, do you take any medications?" Namjoon asked."Just something to help me sleep when I need it."Namjoon finished his writing and looked back and forth from Jungkook to Yoongi. Both men were obviously ignoring him. Yoongi was biting and picking at the soft sides of his fingers near he nail bed. Jungkook was winding the book bag thread around his index finger, watching it turn white where the thread pressed hard into the skin, before unwinding it again."Yoongi?" Namjoon asked."Yeah?" Yoongi didn't look up from his fingers."Would you please read your diary card?"Yoongi remained picking his fingers for a moment longer before he cracked open his binder and read his numbers from the diary card in quick succession."Zero, Two, Five, Five, Zero, Zero, Four, Zero, Zero."Namjoon kept pace, copying the numbers quickly. "Can you explain what is causing you to be angry, Yoongi?" Namjoon said, calmly.Yoongi crossed his arms and sank into his seat. He had hoped he had thrown Namjoon off by not saying the words next to the numbers."I don't want to be here," Yoongi said, dryly."Then why are you?" Namjoon asked, leaning back in his desk chair. "We all have choices. You could decide to walk out of this room and never come back. Why haven't you?"Yoongi's head shot up, mouth opening and closing like a fish, but no words came out.
'Why am I still here?'
He felt the real reason stirring beneath the surface of his mind, like watching fish swim beneath a thick layer of ice covering a frozen pond. He could see the shape, but couldn't identify it."My individual therapist didn't give me much choice," Yoongi spat out, wanting to give some kind of answer. He down into his chair and refused to make eye contact with Namjoon."Medications?" Namjoon asked, returning his eyes to his notepad.Yoongi shook his head."Jungkook, it's your turn," Namjoon said.After a moment, Jungkook shook his head."You don't want to share your diary card?" Namjoon asked, leaning over to try and look at Jungkook's face.Jungkook just shook his head again."Since this is our first session, I won't force you to read out loud today, but I will need you to see your answers at the end of the session today... You will only get as much out of these sessions as you put into them. Okay, Jungkook?" Namjoon's tone was low and soft, emphasizing the importance of his words.Jungkook hesitated before nodding again. He wanted to participate, but no matter how many times he opened his mouth, words wouldn't come out. His stomach would tie itself into knots and a cold sweat would come over him when he thought about talking in front of people. He sighed audibly, a mixture of relief and sadness washing over him."We're going to go over one last topic before we end the session for tonight," Namjoon said as he changed the PowerPoint slide. "We'll talk about urges. Urges are actions or thoughts that are carried out when we experience an emotion. The urges we focus on are negative self talk, triggers, self-harm, suicidal ideation, suicidal intent, masking, impulsivity, procrastination, isolation, and rumination. You will see all of these terms beneath the emotions checklist on your diary card."Namjoon paused for a moment while everyone found the urges section. "There is a definition sheet in the packet I gave you for your reference. However, I'm sure you all have heard of some of these words before. So, I am just briefly going to go over this section."He changed the slide. "Negative self talk is in reference to any thoughts that you use to bring yourself down. Thoughts like 'I'm not good enough' or 'I'm stupid' are examples of negative self talk. Triggers are events that set actions or thoughts into motion. An very basic example would be that someone with a history of abuse listens to a podcast containing information about an abusive event. Listening to the podcast might trigger this person to think about their traumatic experiences and cause a negative thought spiral. Self-harm is the act of hurting yourself. Sometimes this is deliberate and other times it's not. A non-deliberate act would be biting your fingernails until they bleed and continuing to bite them past this point."Yoongi stopped biting his finger for a second and looked down to examine it. The skin was jagged around the edges and a small drop of blood began to well up near the base of his nail bed. There had been a piece of loose skin on his cuticle and it was driving him crazy, so he began to pull at it with his teeth. Unfortunately, it didn't rip off where he wanted it to and it began to bleed. The wound stung, but it didn't hurt. Deep down he knew that this pain brought temporary relief to any anxiety he was feeling, but he didn't know how to stop the obsessive picking. He tucked his thumb into his fist and refused to look up at Namjoon."There is a difference between the next two urges. Suicidal ideation is where you are thinking of suicide. Suicidal intent is you are actively planning your death," Namjoon continued. The silence that followed covered the room like a thick blanket. No one could be heard breathing, no papers rustled, no one stirred. It was always like this when Namjoon brought up these specific urges. He knew suicide was a difficult subject to broach, but he felt that the more these sensitive issues were discussed, the more normalized it was, the easier it became to speak openly about them. He continued on in the same matter-of-fact tone to help convey that speaking about these urges was normal and wanted."Masking is when you are acting in a way that is not aligning with your emotions. Put simply, if you are upset about something, you pretend it is not bothering you. Impulsivity is acting without thinking. Procrastinate is when you continuously put off an important task until the very last minute. Isolation is when you remove yourself from social situations. Lastly, rumination is when you obsessively think about an event or action over and over again without any progress on making the situation better."Does anyone have any questions?" Namjoon asked, looking around the room. Everyone shook their head. He looked at his watch. They would be finishing thirty minutes early today, a rarity that he relished."So your assignment tonight is easy. For the next session, I want you to fill out your diary card's emotions and urges section. If you are not sure about one of the urges, you can leave the space blank and we can discuss when you return. Analyzing your emotions and the urges you feel isn't easy for everyone, so I don't want you to feel like you can't ask questions. Okay?"The room was silent. They still had a long way to go, but Namjoon felt this first session went fairly well. He smiled, "We're concluding today's session early because we covered everything for today. This won't always happen though, so enjoy your evening! See you next Wednesday. Same time, same room."Jungkook began to bolt out of the door, but Namjoon called after him. "Jungkook! I need to see your diary card before you go!"He froze and slowly walked back into the room. Everyone else filed out and thanked him for the session, except for Yoongi, who kept his eyes fixed on the ground as he left.Namjoon pulled up an extra chair closer to the desk and motioned for Jungkook to sit in it. Jungkook did, pulling out his diary card and silently handing it to Namjoon, who read it aloud, "Stress, three. Anxiety, five. Anger, zero. Sad/depressed, two. Fear, three. Guilt/shame, four. Pain/hurt, one. Insecure, five. Loneliness, five."Jungkook refused to make eye contact with Namjoon, even though he could feel Namjoon's intense stare burning a hole into his brain."There's a lot of fives here, Jungkook... Can you tell me why you are feeling these emotions?" Namjoon asked.Jungkook ignored Namjoon's question. "What happened to Taehyung?"This was the first unprompted sentence Namjoon had heard from the young man and it took him by surprise. "He had a panic attack.""Oh..." Jungkook muttered. Namjoon was afraid he was going to be met with silence again, but Jungkook continued. "Sometimes I will be deeply asleep and then I wake up for no reason fearing for my life. I will usually get violently ill and then spend the rest of the night sitting up in my bed hugging a trash can... I will be cold and shaking, but I will also be sweating... My heart will beat so fast... Every time this happens I am afraid that I will be found dead the next morning..."Jungkook had placed both hands on his chest and was making intense eye contact with Namjoon. His breath was quivering, but he wasn't on the verge of hyperventilating."Is that what is happening to me?" His doe eyes were large, rimmed with tears, and pleading for an answer."Yes, that is a panic attack. A panic attack is when you abruptly feel intense fear or discomfort that escalates in intensity within a matter of minutes. You can feel symptoms such as heart palpitations, accelerated heart rate, sweating, shaking, nausea, and shortness of breath. Sometimes there will be a triggering event and sometimes..." Namjoon raised his hands, palms facing up, "It just happens.""It's nice to be able to put a name to those events..." Jungkook said, lowering his hands into his lap.Namjoon nodded. "That's the first step, next is treating it. I'll set up an appointment for you with our psychiatrist to see if you should be put on medication. There are also some DBT distress tolerance techniques, like the breathing exercise I did with Taehyung, that I will be teaching you in group... Does all of this sound okay?"Jungkook nodded vigorously, wiping away the couple of tears that managed to escape his eyes. He felt relieved when he was around Namjoon. His demeanor was so calming and informative. Jungkook felt like he could open himself up to this man... just a little."Being around people, especially groups, makes me anxious. I never know what's the correct way to act in front of people, so I just stay quiet. I don't like it when people stare at me... I feel shame and insecure because I have such a hard time talking to people," Jungkook broke eye contact with Namjoon. "All of these things makes me feel very lonely.""You're doing a brave thing coming to a group therapy session then," Namjoon said."I don't feel very brave," Jungkook said, making intense eye contact with Namjoon again. "My individual therapist recommended it and my parents urged me to do this. They threatened to pull me out of college if I didn't..."Jungkook let his words trail off. He didn't want to talk about it anymore, so he took his diary card back and stood up to leave. He made it to the door frame and hesitated."Thank you..." he whispered, before leaving the classroom.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
'Hello, you've reached Mr. Kim's voicemail. I am either away from my phone or in a business mee-"
Seokjin hung up the phone before the message finished. He didn't even know why he still called the number. It's not like his father was going to pick up anyway.
'Don't think about it, Seokjin. Don't even go there.'
His heart felt heavy as he entered the IOP meeting room. Everyone except Jimin was already in the seats they had previously assigned to themselves. Namjoon was sitting at the desk, typing frantically, but he immediately perked up to greet Seokjin as he entered the room.Seokjin forced a smile. "Good evening!" he chirped, voice a little higher pitched that normal. He sat next to Hoseok again, giving his new friend a small smile that pushed his cheeks up, making them look like two soft dumplings."Hey, how are you today?" Hoseok asked."I'm good... You?" Seokjin lied."I'm fine..." Hoseok replied. He smiled, but it looked forced.Both men nodded, a silent agreement to not really talk about how they were really feeling.Namjoon stood up abruptly and ran out of the room only to return a minute later with the paperwork for this session. He passed it out silently, taking a small pleasure in the warmth of the paper and the smell of the toner ink. When he made it around the room, he still had an extra copy in his hands. It was 5:59PM and he realized Jimin wasn't here yet.Namjoon sighed and was about to begin the lesson when Jimin rushed through the doorway and took his seat closest to the desk. Jimin swallowed hard and smiled. "Sorry... I... was... almost... late..." He huffed through heavy breaths.Namjoon returned the smile and then to address the room. "Did everyone remember to fill out the emotions and urges sections of your diary card?""Shit..." Hoseok muttered under his breath. He frantically opened his binder and began filling in the squares with numbers. He looked around quickly to see if anyone else noticed and saw that Yoongi was also filling in his card. At least I'm not the only one... he thought."It's alright. I'll give you a few minutes to fill things in while I pull up our first exercise," Namjoon said, turning to the computer screen. Again, he had trouble getting the computer and TV to connect. He heard music and a voice coming from the TV in the lobby, realizing he cast the device to the wrong screen. Muttering under his breath, he cancelled it and tried again.He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Jimin. "Need help again?" he asked.Jimin didn't take over the computer this time, but instead guided Namjoon through the process of correctly connecting the two devices. Jimin hoped this way he would remember so he wouldn't have to keep helping. For as smart as Namjoon seemed, he wasn't terribly great with technology, Jimin observed. He thought it was a little endearing. The therapist that had intimidated him at first wasn't as perfect as he seemed after all. With the computer and screen properly connected, Jimin sat down.A YouTube video was up on the screen. The title of the video read 'Mindfulness Meditation - Guided 10 Minutes'.Yoongi suppressed a groan. 'What in the fresh hell is this?' he thought."Is everyone done with their diary cards?" Namjoon asked, looking around the room. Six heads nodded."Good," Namjoon rubbed his hands together. "I thought it might be a good idea to start our sessions off with guided meditations to help get everyone into the proper mindset. DBT is mainly focused on mindfulness, or the ability to look inwardly and assess your feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I want you to use this time at the beginning of our sessions to calm yourself, empty your mind, and ready yourself for our sessions with a clear head. You can close your eyes or keep them open, but I would like you to relax and just listen."Namjoon sat at his desk and turned on the video. He faced the room and closed his eyes, letting his body relax in the chair."A mindfulness meditation," the video began. "During this meditation, we will focus on being mindful. Finding that point where you are completely aware of the now." The man's voice was deep and soothing. Light music played in the background: bells, a slow beating drum, and some strings. A chant rang out and Yoongi suppressed a giggle. He thought this was ridiculous."Find a time where you will not be disturbed. Sit or lie down. Whatever thoughts come and go in your mind at this point, simply observe them as if from a distance. Now notice your breathing and especially the still point between breaths..." The video continued on this way for a few minutes and then the periods of silence became longer and longer and all that could be heard was the light music.Yoongi looked around the room. He didn't buy into meditation. It felt too much like religion to him. Bored, he scanned the room. Namjoon was still in his desk chair, legs stretched long and hands clasped together on his chest. Seokjin had also stretched his legs out in front of himself, but his hands lay comfortably in his lap, palms facing upwards. Hoseok had pulled his legs up to sit cross-legged on his chair, his head was dipped so his chin rest on his chest. Yoongi could hear soft snores coming from Jungkook. The young man's mouth was slightly parted and his head cocked to the side. Taehyung had followed the advice of the video and had moved to lie down on the floor, but with his legs elevated on his chair. Both of his hands were folded neatly over his chest and Yoongi could see them being periodically lifted and lowered to the rhythm of his smooth, even breathing.Looking up past Taehyung, he locked eyes with Jimin. Startled, Jimin looked away, before making eye contact again. Yoongi pointed to the TV screen and then rolled his eyes. He saw a smile break across Jimin's face before it was quickly covered with one of his small hands. He shook his head, silently bidding Yoongi not to make him laugh, his feathery hair floated with the movement of his head.Yoongi continued miming to Jimin across the room. He rolled his eyes and imitated the other members' postures. With each new movement, Jimin's face would grow redder with the effort of keeping his laughter silent. At first Yoongi kept at it because he wanted to see if he could interrupt the session, cause a little bit of trouble. However, the more he kept at it, the more he realized he just wanted to see Jimin smile. He had looked so sad during the previous session.He had finished imitating everyone in the room, but he didn't want the miming game to end just yet. To further express his boredom, Yoongi imitated holding a gun to his head and shooting himself.Jimin's face fell. The redness from the laughter immediately dissipated past his normal skin tone to an ashen color. He looked away from Yoongi, shifted his position and closed his eyes, pretending that he had been relaxed and listening to the video for the entire meditation session.Confused, Yoongi stared at Jimin a moment longer before he heard the room stir. The meditation video was over."How did everyone like that video?" Namjoon asked, stretching his long limbs."I thought it was very relaxing," Taehyung said from the floor."I didn't like the background music," Seokjin said."Good to know, Seokjin. I try to use a variety of videos to accommodate everyone's tastes," Namjoon replied.Jungkook woke himself up with a snort. He looked around sleepily and then flushed."It's okay, Jungkook," Namjoon chuckled. "You're not the first person to have fallen asleep during a meditation session. I'm glad it relaxed you so well."Jungkook looked up at Namjoon and nodded, the flush already beginning to fade.From there they moved onto diary cards. They began with the emotions section. Seokjin's sadness had raised from a zero to a three from their first meeting and his guilt remained at a four. Taehyung's numbers remained the same. Hoseok's fear had lowered from a five to a three. Yoongi's anger and sadness were down from fives to a threes, but his anxiety was up.Jungkook and Jimin were the last two people to read off the emotion portions of their diary cards. Jimin was looking down at his card with his brow furrowed, pencil in hand. He kept erasing and rewriting portions of his card.Seeing Jimin struggling, Namjoon turned his attention to Jungkook. "Would you be able to go so Jimin can finish his log?" He smiled warmly, urging the painfully shy man to speak up.Jungkook took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. He could feel his blood pulsing through the fingers that tightly gripped his binder. His eyes flicked back and forth across the page nervously.In a voice barely above a whisper he read his card aloud, "Stress, one. Anxiety, five. Anger, zero. Sad/depressed, two. Fear, four. Guilt/shame, two. Pain/hurt, zero. Insecure, five. Loneliness, five.""Well done. Thank you, Jungkook," Namjoon praised. He made some notes. "Did the receptionist get back to you about the appointment we talked about?"Jungkook nodded. A small smile brushed his lips and then was gone. He had felt some small relief when Namjoon had put a name to his night time terrors. He knew this information wouldn't make the panic attacks go away, but now he would be able to calm himself with the thought that he wasn't dying and that the emotions would pass."Are you ready?" Namjoon asked, looking at Jimin. Jimin let out a huff as his eraser ripped his paper. The relentless writing and erasing had finally whittled down the paper fibers, tearing a hole on his diary card."That's alright. Read what you can." Namjoon talked low, trying to sooth Jimin's frustration.Jimin took a loud breath through his nose and let the exhale drop out of his mouth before reading off his paper. "Stress was a one, but is now a four. Anxiety, four. Anger, zero. Sad/depressed was also a one... but now it's a five. Fear, three. Guilt/shame, three. Pain/hurt, three. Insecure, four. Loneliness, zero.""Okay..." Namjoon said, jotting down the numbers quickly. "Would you like to talk about what's going on?"Jimin licked his lips, taking another deep breath. "I'm just thinking about something I did a little while ago and it's got me upset...""Would you like to talk it out?""No." Jimin's response was immediate."When do you see your individual therapist?""Not until next week..." Jimin said, his face fell. He looked defeated."Would you like to schedule session for later this week? Remember, you get first priority on appointments since you are in the IOP program." Namjoon offered.Jimin mulled this over for a moment. "Can I?""Absolutely. I wanted to go over everyone's homework before we took our break, but we can take it now if that's alright with everyone else?"No one objected, so Jimin immediately got up and left the room to go to the reception desk downstairs near the entrance. Jungkook and Taehyung pulled out bags of food packed from home and began eating while Seokjin, Hoseok, and Namjoon all left the room.Yoongi stayed in his chair, beside himself. What happened to make Jimin upset? Did he do something wrong? After fighting with himself internally for several long minutes, he got up to find Jimin and ask him.He didn't have to go far. Jimin was just entering the upstairs lobby from the stairwell. When he made eye contact with Yoongi, he stopped in his tracks."Hey..." Yoongi said, awkwardly."Hey." Jimin answered shortly. He began walking again, past Yoongi and towards the meeting room."Hey, ah," Yoongi tried again turning around, following Jimin's path. Jimin stopped at the sounds of Yoongi's voice, but didn't turn around to face him."A-Are you okay? I'm sorry if I-" Yoongi began to say, but the words died in his throat when Jimin finally turned around.Jimin's eyes were on fire, his normally plump lips were pressed so tightly together that all could be seen was a thin line. He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped when he saw the shock and hurt written on Yoongi's face. The fire in his eyes dimmed to a smolder. Yoongi couldn't have possibly known, couldn't possibly understand. What was the point in getting angry with him? He let his face fall completely. He felt so tired."Look... I don't feel like talking about it, okay? I barely know you." Jimin turned on his heel and walked back towards the classroom.Jimin's words hit Yoongi hard. He tried to connect with Jimin, tried to apologize if that was what was needed, and Jimin didn't even bother to hear him out. Yoongi stood there, shoulders slumped, until he heard a door open behind him. Namjoon was exiting an office, opened water bottle in hand."Oh!" Namjoon exclaimed. "Yoongi... I'm just heading back to the room. We're about to start the second half of our session. Are you ready?"Without answering, Yoongi headed back to the meeting room. When he entered, he noticed that Jungkook had moved seats to sit next to Taehyung. They were both talking quietly about something. The young man was smiling. His body language was still stiff and awkward, but the boy who barely ever spoke had managed to make a connection with someone.Sadness hit Yoongi like a wave crashing into a rocky shoreline. A million thoughts flooded his mind at once, threatening to steal his oxygen and drown him.
'you no one you just why you should are would are go anyone so likes die so want stupid just to you be kill your worthless yourself friend
.'
Yoongi stood in the doorway, frozen by his thoughts, until he heard the door shut behind him."Please take a seat, Yoongi. We're about to start." Namjoon's voice filtered down to the seabed that was Yoongi's consciousness. His feet followed Namjoon's instructions and he returned to his seat. While his body moved on its own, his mind was still churning through the intrusive thoughts.What he had really wanted to do was leave and not come back. This was all a mistake. He shouldn't be here. He didn't belong here.Namjoon clapped his hands together. "Okay. I would like us all to go over our homework now. You will read them off just the same as you do on your diary card. Who is ready to go first?""I'll go," Jimin piped up immediately. He wanted to get this over with. "Negative self talk, four. Triggers, five. Self-harm, four. Suicidal ideation, zero. Suicidal intent, zero. Masking, three. Impulsivity, four. Procrastination, zero. Isolation, two. Rumination, five.""Why did you put self-harm as a four, Jimin?" Namjoon's voice was even and soft, but he was not asking Jimin if he wanted to talk about the situation. He was being direct in asking for an explanation.Jimin had expected this. He wasn't going to get away with rating self-harm a four and not have to talk about it. He instinctively curled himself into a ball in an attempt to make himself smaller. He could feel the anxiety blooming in the pit of his stomach. He thought for a moment before speaking."Sometimes I have this urge to... not treat myself well. I know it's not good for me... but I do it anyway... Does that make sense?""It does. Does carrying out this urge make you feel better?" Namjoon pushed further. It made Jimin's stomach squirm."Sometimes... Sometimes I feel... relief... other times I just feel really ashamed... Like I know what I'm doing is bad... but I just can't stop..." Jimin resisted the urge to cover his face with his hands.Namjoon nodded. "In DBT, we call those cycles you are experiencing behavior chains. We'll learn more about how to break those types of thinking or though-action patterns in a later session. I know it sounds like I am teasing you with these techniques that will help, but some of these skills are much more difficult to learn and I don't want to overwhelm you. That's why IOP is eight weeks long. It's a lot of information to take in."Jimin nodded. He didn't care if he learned the skill or not. Right now, he just didn't want to talk anymore. Namjoon seemed to be satisfied and didn't press Jimin any further."Yoongi? Can you read yours please?" Namjoon asked.Yoongi looked at his paper and hesitated for a moment before rattling off his numbers in a subdued voice."Two, two, two, zero, zero, two, two, zero, two, two," Yoongi lied.Namjoon perked his head up from his notepad as he heard Yoongi read off his numbers. Something wasn't right. For one, he had expected Yoongi to fight him on being called out to read his card. The second thing was his numbers were too low and didn't match with the emotions portion of his diary card. He broached the subject with caution."Did you have any questions about the assignment, Yoongi?""No." He lied again. He wouldn't meet Namjoon's eyes when he spoke.Namjoon stared at Yoongi for a long while. He could tell he was lying about something, but he couldn't deduce what about. Calling Yoongi out on his behavior would only make him shrink further into the shell he had created. Namjoon knew he couldn't help someone that wouldn't open up to him. The best he could do was make himself available. Let Yoongi know he was there for him."Yoongi... if you need to talk in private, I'll stay here with you after the session, okay?"Yoongi nodded, refusing to make eye contact. Hearing Namjoon say that he would be there for him made him feel empty inside. Of course Namjoon would be there. It was his job to be there for his clients. His words felt meaningless.Namjoon continued on with the session. Seokjin rated masking, procrastination, and rumination as threes. Hoseok rated negative self-talk a four and rumination a five. Taehyung rated impulsivity, negative self-talk, and rumination at five. Jungkook had negative self talk written down as a four and isolation as a five.When they had finished, Namjoon loaded a new PowerPoint on the screen. "Today, we will learn about ineffective thinking and ways to combat these thoughts. You'll notice that these thoughts will tie in closely with the urges and emotions we previously learned about."All or nothing thinking is the same as thinking of things in either black or white, with no grey area. A lot of times we think there are only two decisions or two ways a situation can go, when in reality, there is a whole spectrum of outcomes that can happen. An example would be that you can stay miserable in a current job or try to find a new one, but what about making a sideways step in a company? What about changing your career entirely? If you think outside the box, sometimes there are more than just two outcomes."Overgeneralization generally occurs when you believe you selectively see certain outcomes to situations. A simple one is that you something bad happens to you and you think that bad things always happen to you. Mental filter is where you take a situation, phrase, or any other sort of event or interaction and only see the negative aspects or results. Let's say your professor gives you an A on an assignment, but has left a note saying that you could have cited stronger sources. If you only focus on that negative comment, you have that mental filter activated."Discounting the positive is the act of brushing off any good feelings, compliments, or thoughts. An example would be someone compliments you on a project and your reaction is to tell them that you could have done better instead of taking the compliment."Jumping to conclusions is exactly as it sounds. Example, you order a large ice cream and while you're eating it, you see someone look at you, laugh, and then look away. If your immediate reaction is to think that they are judging you, that's jumping to conclusions. They could have been thinking about a funny cat picture their friend sent them earlier. You have no way of knowing unless you ask."Magnification is where you take a small problem and make it into a bigger problem than it really is. Emotional reasoning is using your emotions to assess a situation. An example is that you are overwhelmed at work or school and you believe that because you feel overwhelmed everything is hopeless and it's impossible to accomplish anything."Should statements are statements like 'I should have done better' or 'I should have done this instead of that'. Labeling is an extreme of all or nothing thinking. A simple example, but say a dog bites you and you then come to the conclusion that all dogs are 'bad'. That's labeling. Personalization and blame is taking on everything as your problem. Everything that goes wrong is your fault, when in reality, it may have nothing to do with you... Any questions?"Yoongi stared at the paper. He realized he had thought in all of these ways multiple times within the past three days. He felt tired and discouraged and broken.Taehyung looked around the room before timidly raising his hand. "Is it bad if you have thought in all of these ways before?"Namjoon raised an eyebrow. "I think I'd be more concerned if you haven't thought in all of these ways at least once in your life.""Why are we learning about them then if everyone has these thoughts?" Hoseok asked."Because for some people, these types of thoughts can be debilitating," Namjoon said softly. "If you're unable to get past these thoughts to make decisions or they're weighing so heavily on you that you can't get out of bed, then they become a problem. Fortunately, there are ways to improve these ineffective forms of thinking..." Namjoon segued into the next set of PowerPoint slides."We can examine the evidence, take a look at all the pieces of information we have before carrying out an action or move along a detrimental line of thinking. This is good for countering all or nothing thinking, emotional reasoning, and overgeneralization. We can use the double-standard method. Think of it this way, if a friend made a small mistake, would you think they were stupid?"Everyone shook their head."So why would you call yourself stupid if you did the same thing?" Namjoon paused for a beat, letting the weight of the words sink in, before progressing to the next slide."There is the experimental technique. An example would be, you think someone doesn't like you anymore because they keep cancelling plans to get together. Maybe ask them if they have been busy lately, see what is going on in their life that is keeping them from keeping their commitments. You can keep asking to spend time with them. If they keep putting you off, then maybe there is some validity to your thoughts and you can sit down and have a discussion with them."You can think in shades of grey instead of all or nothing thinking. Try to approach situations from every angle. Maybe someone gets unreasonably upset with you over a small comment. You could think that this person doesn't like you, but maybe there is something else going on that you don't know about that's affecting them."Jimin lifted his head to look at Yoongi. He felt terrible about snapping at him earlier. Yoongi had his head lowered, eyes fixed on his worksheet, but Jimin could tell that they weren't focused on the words in front of him. His eyes were unblinking and not moving. Jimin had seen that look before. It was a look of someone trying to sort through some intense emotions. Namjoon's voice swam back into Jimin's consciousness and he tried to pay attention."The survey method can be used to get the opinions and views of others in order to make a better decision or to get more insight into a situation. You can define terms or situations in order to combat labeling. The semantic method can be difficult to get used to, but it's using statements such as 'it would be nice to meet up with my friend' instead of "I should have gone out to see my friend today.""Re-attribution looks into the factors that contribute to a problem to help relieve the burdens of personalization and blame. Say you are let go from your job. Maybe some of it was your fault, you didn't perform to their standards, but it could also be that the company is making a downturn or the position is no longer needed in the company. Sometimes those events just aren't under your control."Cost-benefit analysis is simply looking at a situation and figuring out the pros and cons of completing an action. If you don't scoop the cat litter, the cat will go outside the box. Is it better to scoop the cat litter then? I would say, yes. Lastly, you can keep a mood log, a more detailed version of our diary card, where you document the feelings you are having and the events that are happening and what you have done to combat those emotions."Namjoon ended the evening by reviewing the assignment that was due the next session. The assignment was as simple as the previous one. They were to fill in the ineffective thinking section of their diary card and the methods they used to try and change those thoughts. When Namjoon released them, Yoongi darted calmly and quietly out of the room.Urgency seeped into Jimin's veins. He needed to get to Yoongi before he left tonight. Not wanting to cause a scene, he calmly left the meeting room; but as soon as he entered the second floor lobby, he bolted down the stairs to the main floor. When he burst out of the building, Jimin was hit with the night air, humid and thick with summer. His senses were overloaded by the sound of cicadas, thrumming loudly, and the scent of primrose blooms, cloying and sweet. Jimin looked around wildly until he spotted Yoongi. He was a few rows into the parking lot next to a beige car that was battered and weathered with rust spots."Yoongi! Wait!" Jimin shouted and broke into a sprint. Yoongi turned his head to the sound of his name being called, but after realizing it was Jimin, he turned back around towards his car.Jimin reached Yoongi just as he was opening his car door. Using his momentum, Jimin pushed the door shut with a creaking bang. "Yoongi, hold on. I want to apologize..."Yoongi stood still, hand resting on the car's door handle. When Jimin realized that Yoongi was waiting for him to keep talking, he continued, "You were just trying to ask if I was okay and I was mean and rude and... I didn't mean what I said... I'm sorry..."Jimin removed his hand from the car door and backed away slightly. "That's all... I just... You never know what someone else is going through... right?"Yoongi remained silent, eyes looking Jimin over carefully. After a moment, he nodded once and got into his car."A-are you okay?" Jimin asked through the open car window.Yoongi, who was buckling his seat belt, whipped his head around. Jimin could see fear and panic flash in his eyes before it was replaced with a profound sadness."Jimin... We're in an intensive outpatient program... Are either of us really okay?"Realizing the dark truth of Yoongi's statement, Jimin burst into a fit of giggles. He covered his mouth, afraid the laughter might be inappropriate. However, Jimin's laughter was infectious. Yoongi exposed more gums than teeth when he smiled and his shoulders rose and fell in heaving movements that were disproportionate to the volume of his laugh."Yeah... I guess that's a stupid question, huh?" Jimin said once the fit subsided.Yoongi shook his head, smile fading. "It's not a stupid question," he said softly.Jimin pulled out a sharpie from his back pocket and offered out a palm. Yoongi reached up and allowed his hand to be taken. Jimin scrawled his phone number across the back of Yoongi's hand, being careful to make the numbers legible over the man's prominent veins. When Jimin dropped Yoongi's hand, his smile fell with it."Promise you'll call if you need to talk to someone?" Jimin asked, eyes flicking back and forth between Yoongi's, waiting for an answer.Yoongi looked away. "Yeah, sure," he said.Jimin shoved his pinky through the car window."Promise." Jimin wasn't asking this time.Yoongi stared at Jimin's chubby little finger for a moment before reaching out and clasping it with his long and slender one.He looked into Jimin's eyes."I promise."
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Hoseok jolted awake to the sound of someone rapping their knuckles urgently on the glass of his car window.Seokjin was peering in, shading the sun with his hand so he could cut past the glare and see into the car. When he spotted Hoseok was awake, he motioned for him to roll down his window.Hoseok rotated the key in the ignition, the car roared to life. The A/C hit him at full blast, making him realize how hot it was inside the car. He rolled down the window and asked groggily, "What's up?""Dude, it's too hot outside for you to be sleeping in your car with the windows up," Seokjin said, fanning his hand in front of his face to dissipate the heat that escaped the car window. "What are you thinking?""I didn't mean to doze off," Hoseok said, pulling out a tissue from his glove compartment and blotting the sleep and sweat off his face. "I haven't been sleeping well lately.""Thinking too much?" Seokjin leaned into the car, resting his arms gingerly on the hot door frame.Hoseok nodded, "I've been having some terrible nightmares.""Oh? You remember any of them when you wake up?" Seokjin pressed."Yeah... unfortunately..." Hoseok shooed Seokjin's arms away as he turned off his car and rolled the widows back up. He exited the car and leaned against it. He stood with his arms crossed, brows furrowed in thought. "Have you ever had a recurring nightmare?"Seokjin pouted his lips in thought. He leaned against the car next to Hoseok. "No, I don't think I have.""I keep dreaming about my girlfriend... I can see she's trying to say something to me, but no words are coming out of her mouth... She looks angry." Hoseok kicked at a rock and watched it bounce across the blacktop. "She reaches out to me and her hands are bloody... Then she opens her mouth and... and suddenly all the sound comes back and she's screaming... just endlessly screaming... And then I wake up..."Hoseok tilted his head to gauge Seokjin's reaction. The man's dark eyebrows were raised high onto his forehead. "Well damn, I wouldn't be sleeping well either if that's what I saw every time I tried to sleep."A small chuckle escaped Hoseok's throat. He swallowed hard and then looked at his phone. No missed calls. No text messages. She usually called before he went into group therapy..."Expecting a call?" Seokjin asked, pushing himself off of the car.Hoseok put the phone away. "Uh yeah..." Hoseok replied, but not offering any more information.The pair started walking from the parking lot into the building. Seokjin paused in the process of opening the door."You know..." he said, "Your dreams are the brain's way of processing events. Converting short-term memories to long term memories. It's like when computers transfer files from one location to another. It's done in jumbled fragments, not as complete files... Our dreams are kind of like viewing our internal memory files as they're in that process."Hoseok scrunched his face, mouth twisting into a tiny frown and eye brows furrowing. "You mean there's actually a reason behind dreams? I thought it was just our brains glitching out."Seokjin chuckled as he opened the door. "Yeah there's actually some science behind it."They started up the stairs, Hoseok leading the way. Halfway up, he asked, "Where did you learn that?"Seokjin's step faltered as his brain made the connection. "My father..." he muttered."Huh?" Hoseok asked, turning his head to hear him better."Um. I must have read it online somewhere," Seokjin covered himself.Hoseok had heard him the first time, but wasn't the type to press for more information. They continued to the upstairs lobby and to the classroom in silence. Everyone had their own demons and he was the last person to question Seokjin's.The rest of the IOP members filtered into the room one by one. Everyone was on time and prepared for the class to Namjoon's delight. This was the last session for the first week and everyone was seeming to adjust to their new routine of late nights and emotional conversations. Namjoon knew that there were harder times coming, but he allowed himself to be filled with a small amount of pride for his patients. They were all showing up and making small steps towards progress.They began their session with another meditation video, progressed to diary cards, and then homework. During their homework, Namjoon noticed that Hoseok was quieter than usual. He had been engaged during meditation and diary cards, but as they reviewed the homework, he noticed the usually bubbly presence was lost in thought. He wasn't focusing on the other members as they talked, like he normally did."Hoseok?" Namjoon called out.Hoseok let a small 'oh?' escape. His eyes were wide and face drawn long as he perked up and directed his focus on Namjoon."It's your turn for the homework," Namjoon smiled.Hoseok realized that everyone was staring at him, binders closed. He was the last to read off his assignment."I... ah... I had some trouble identifying the thoughts I was having..." Hoseok said, looking down at his binder."That's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect. I can tell when the effort to complete it is there," Namjoon relaxed back in his chair."Ok... well I marked down that I had thoughts of magnification, emotional reasoning, should statements..." Hoseok shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "And I know I felt personalization and blame... I feel a lot of that.""Ok," Namjoon said, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. He laced his fingers together and rested his chin on top of them. "What did you do to try and combat those thoughts?"Hoseok looked at the courses of action on his diary card. None of them were checked off."I... I didn't mark anything down...""That's alright!" Namjoon slapped his knees and stood up. "Let's talk about what could have been done. We can use this as a refresher exercise for everyone."Namjoon walked to the whiteboard to the left of his desk. He wrote down magnification, emotional reasoning, should statements and personalization across the length of the board and separated them into columns."What can we do for thoughts of magnification? Anyone?""We can examine the evidence..." Taehyung said tentatively."Very good," Namjoon said, writing it next to the term magnification. "Anyone else?""Survey method?" Yoongi asked, surprising Namjoon a little with the unprompted participation."Yes, that could work." Namjoon wrote it on the board. "What about emotional reasoning?""Examine the evidence and mood log?" Seokjin said. Namjoon wrote them down."Ooookay..." Namjoon said, finishing the word 'log'. "Should statements?""Semantic method," Jimin said, looking up from his notes.Namjoon wrote it down. "What about personalization and blame?""Re-attribution," Seokjin replied. Namjoon turned to write the word down."But..." Hoseok began to speak, causing Namjoon to not complete the full turn."Yes?" he asked."What if it is your fault... and you can't place the blame on anyone else..." Hoseok was looking deep into Namjoon's eyes. The gaze was so intense, it made him look away."Then you should take responsibility for what happened," Taehyung responded.Namjoon sharply turned his attention to Taehyung. "Please refrain from giving advice. Remember that this is in our program's guidelines.""I was just trying to help..." Taehyung said, sourly. He shrunk in his seat with his arms crossed like a child that had just been scolded."Can we get a little more of the situation, Hoseok?" Namjoon returned to his seat, picking up his notepad and pen.Hoseok bit his lip as he thought about how much information he should disclose. He felt everyone's eyes on him."Say... you did something to someone, but it wasn't intentional... Like an accident... Is it still your fault?"Namjoon pressed his fingertips together and gestured his hands toward Hoseok. "Who do you think is to blame in a situation like that then.""If I knew, I wouldn't be asking you," Hoseok said coolly between gritted teeth.Attempting to diffuse the situation quickly, Namjoon held his hands up in a gesture of submission. "Okay, let's think of this a different way then..."Hoseok's hands were shaking. He couldn't tell if it was because he was angry or that he was scared because he was so angry. Not wanting anyone else to notice, he placed his hands under his thighs and tried to concentrate on Namjoon's words."If you're driving, and someone stops too quickly in front of you, who's fault is it if you rear end them?""Theirs," Hoseok said immediately."But if you had given enough space between your car and theirs, you would have been able to stop in time," Namjoon stated."So... Mine? Both?" Hoseok's anger was ebbing away slowly, being replaced by confusion. Namjoon didn't respond, but gestured with his hand for Hoseok to continue contemplating the situation."Both, because they shouldn't have braked suddenly and I should have given enough room... but legally it would be all my fault..." Hoseok said, shoulders slumping."Not as easy of a question to answer, is it?" Namjoon said, stealing a glance at Taehyung. His arms were still crossed and he let out a small huff when Namjoon looked his way.Hoseok brought his hands out from under his thighs. They were still shaking slightly. "What if I'm really sorry and I would never forgive myself for letting it happen?" he replied softly, staring into his hands.Taehyung's arms slackened a little and he turned his attention to Hoseok. His eyes read skepticism, but his expression had softened into curiosity."I think it depends on the situation... In my experience..." Taehyung's body was facing Hoseok, but his eyes were watching Namjoon carefully to make sure he wouldn't be reprimanded again. "You have to be more than just sorry if you hurt someone... You have to show you are with your actions and future behaviors."'I've said too much...' Hoseok kept his eyes focused on the floor in an effort to not let the panic swelling inside spill over.There were several moments of silence before Namjoon announced it was time for their break. Needing some air, Hoseok left the room and went out to his car to sit. The heat of the car felt as comforting as it felt claustrophobic. The thought of driving off and leaving crossed his mind several times as he walked out to the car, but now that he was actually in the car, he decided against it. As soon as he closed his eyes and leaned back against the headrest, he hear his passenger side door open and slam shut. Startled, he opened his eyes to see someone in the seat looking at him intensely.It was Taehyung."What th-" Hoseok began to exclaim before he noticed Taehyung's eyes. They were piercing and accusatory."What did you do?"The question was enough to make Hoseok's body to turn cold despite the sweltering heat of his car."I-I don't know what you're talking about...""You're terrible at lying." Taehyung had not blinked once since entering the car. Despite the intense stare that would make anyone blush and hide their face, Hoseok was frozen and couldn't look away. "What. Did. You. Do?" Taehyung emphasized every syllable."I-I..." Hoseok could feel his mask cracking. He couldn't keep up the facade anymore. The guilt was eating him up inside."I d-don't..." Taehyung was still staring, examining every detail of Hoseok's face.Hoseok broke under the weight of his stare."I was at the stove trying to get dinner ready before my girlfriend came home. I was trying to surprise her with a new recipe, but it was taking longer than I thought, and it wasn't done yet. She came in and saw I was still cooking. She started yelling at me, saying that the least I could do was have dinner ready for her since she had to go into work and I worked from h-home..."Hoseok's voice began to shake and his cheeks felt wet, but he had momentum now and he couldn't stop talking."I-It all happened so fast... The next thing I know she's th-throwing the dinner plates at me. They were b-breaking against the wa-wall. It was so loud... When she ran out of plates, sh-she picked up a big sh-shard and sh-She c-cut her h-hand..."Hoseok took several gulping breaths, trying to steady himself. He didn't want to say any more."The next th-thing I knew my h-hand was around her th-throat... Sh-She was pinned against th-the wa-wall and sh-she was screaming... Wh-what i-if I-I h-had sq-squee..."The sentence died in his throat. He couldn't finish it. He couldn't bring the thought that had been plaguing him, whether asleep or awake, into existence by speaking it aloud.Hoseok stared at the shape of his hands through blurry eyelashes. He closed his eyes and waited for Taehyung to speak. Waited to hear him say he was a terrible person, that his girlfriend should have called the cops, that he should be in jail.Instead, the only sound he heard was the soft rasp of skin touching skin. He opened his eyes to see Taehyung holding his hand.Surprised, his eyes darted up to Taehyung's face. The man, who had broken him with a stare, had tears swimming in his eyes. Taehyung licked his lips before speaking."You acted in self-defense..."Hoseok stared at him, dumbstruck."B-But... I could have k-killed her..." More tears rolled down Hoseok's cheeks. Taehyung pulled Hoseok's hand into both of his own large hands, completely swallowing it."Hoseok, she was coming at you with a shard of dinner plate... "Realization slowly dawned on Hoseok's face. His hands began to shake and they felt cold to the touch, despite the heat inside the car. Taehyung softly dragged his thumb across the back of Hoseok's hand in a comforting gesture."This isn't your fault."Hoseok choked back a sob. Taehyung squeezed Hoseok's hand."It's not your fault." Taehyung repeated.Hoseok turned his head to look away, but was snapped back when Taehyung grabbed Hoseok's other hand to hold it."Hoseok... It's not your fault."The sadness swallowed Hoseok whole. He lowered his head in defeat and allowed large, breath-taking sobs overcome his body. Taehyung continued rubbing the backs of Hoseok's hands with his thumbs."D-Does this make me a violent person?" Hoseok managed to choke out between sobs.Taehyung exhaled sharply through his nose. "Definitely not."He waited until Hoseok's sobs had quieted a little before asking, "Is that why you're here? Because you think you're violent?"Hoseok nodded, removing one of his hands from Taehyung's to pat a tear away."Does your individual therapist know about all this?"Hoseok shook his head. "I told my therapist that I was afraid of my girlfriend leaving me... that I had some bad habits that I wanted to change so that I could fix our relationship..."Taehyung scoffed, a few tears escaped and made their way down his cheeks. "You know... Men can be abused too...""Was your wife like that with you?" Hoseok sniffled.Taehyung bit his lip. "Not exactly... She never yelled at me or threw things at me... But she did some... very questionable things..."They sat in silence. Taehyung didn't offer up anymore information and Hoseok was too emotionally exhausted to ask."How about we go back inside? It's really hot in here," Taehyung said. He exited the car before Hoseok gave a response. Hoseok patted his face try with some tissues and looked at himself in the visor's flip-down mirror. His eyes were puffy and still watery, but he didn't have any time to compose himself.Taehyung and Hoseok found the door was shut when they returned to the meeting room. They entered quietly, trying not to make a fuss over their tardiness, but the room was so tiny that it was impossible not to notice when anyone came in or out."Is everything alright?" Namjoon asked, noticing Hoseok's puffy and red eyes."Yeah, sorry we're late. We lost track of time," Hoseok said, offering a smile, putting the mask back on."It's alright... Just make sure to keep and eye on the time next time, okay?" Namjoon returned the smile hesitantly and continued with the lesson. "So today we're going to talk about two concepts: Acting Opposite and ABC PLEASE."Acting opposite is when you take the opposite action of what an emotion might be urging you to do. There are six steps to the process. First is to figure out the emotion. What are you actually feeling. Give it a name. Second, ask yourself if the emotion makes sense for the situation. If it doesn't, think about what else could be factoring into this emotion. Third, identify what the emotion is compelling you to do. Is it making you want to sleep? Punch a wall? Run away? Fourth, ask yourself if you really want to reduce this emotion."Sometimes emotions are appropriate. If someone hurts your feelings, you shouldn't necessarily push them away. You have every right to feel upset if someone hurts you or wrongs you. Fifth, figure out the opposite action of what the emotion is urging you to do. And finally, apply that opposite action all the way. If you don't, then the whole exercise is completely ineffective."Namjoon walked over to the white board and picked up a dry erase marker. "Let's do an example or two together. Can someone give me a time when they maybe needed to use this DBT skill?"To the room's surprise, Jungkook spoke up in a clear voice, "When I cancel plans with friends."Namjoon pointed the marker at him, "A very good example!" He wrote 'Wanting to Isolate Myself' on the board and then numbers one through five in a list underneath."Step one, what emotion are you feeling?" Namjoon said, looking at Jungkook."Anxious? Scared?" he replied.Namjoon wrote the emotions next to the number one. "Ok. So do these emotions make sense for the situation?"Jungkook thought for a moment before answering, "I don't think so..."Namjoon wrote 'No' on the board. "What could be factoring into these emotions, do you think?"Jungkook looked at his hands. "I get it in my head that I'll say the wrong thing or that I will make a fool of myself or that my friends don't actually want me around. That they just include me because they feel obligated to do so," he replied quietly to the floor.Namjoon wrote 'self-consciousness' next to line two. "So what are these emotions making you want to do?""Not visit my friends," Jungkook regretted his decision to make this exercise about him."Do you want to reduce these emotions, Jungkook?" Namjoon softly asked.Jungkook looked up, tears welling in his eyes. "Very much so.""So what can you do about it? What would the opposite action be to wanting to isolate yourself?""Go see my friends... But..." Namjoon stopped writing next to the fifth line to give Jungkook his full attention. "What if the opposite action backfires? What if everything I'm thinking is true?""How can you know unless you try?" Namjoon shrugged, fingers splaying and palms facing upward. "In the end, it's your choice. You can either keep ruminating on the what-ifs... or you can apply the opposite action, utilize the experimental technique, and see if your thoughts are really true.""B-but I'm scared..." A few tears escaped Jungkook's eyes and landed in his palms.Namjoon knelt in front of Jungkook, so he was level with him. "Putting yourself out there is scary. Trusting people is nerve-wracking. It's okay to feel that emotion, but are you okay with it keeping you from making connections with people?"Jungkook shook his head and a few more tears dropped."You know what to do then."Jungkook looked up to see Namjoon smiling in front of him. When Namjoon smiled at him, Jungkook felt like he could accomplish anything. Namjoon was warm and kind and patient. Everything his parents weren't with him. They didn't understand his aversion to crowds or why he would stay pent up inside all day playing video games. Part of it was his fault. He never told them about the ruthless bullying he endured during high school, but he didn't want to worry them. So he quietly began to shut himself off to others around him. The more he disappeared, the less he was bullied. However, Jungkook was an adult in college. He needed to start functioning in the real world now, but it was hard to get past his predispositions towards people.That's how it was until Jungkook met Namjoon. He gave Jungkook hope in the kindness of people again.Jungkook nodded and smiled, exposing his large bunny teeth. Several residual tears squeezed out from the force of his smile and the sight made Namjoon's heart ache.This reminded Namjoon why loved his job. Despite all the hardships and pain he went through over and over again with different clients, feeling like he made a difference to one person made it all worthwhile.Namjoon stood up and went back to his PowerPoint presentation. "Now we'll discuss ABC Please. This is an acronym for a list of tips you can use to help prevent emotion mind. Emotion mind is a term we use in DBT for when your brain is in a state of emotional hyper-awareness. You can use all of these tips together, or a combination of them. There's no set order or steps for these skills. So, ABC Please stands for:A - Accumulate positivesB - Build mastery in a skill or hobbyC - Cope-aheadPl - Treat physical illnessE - Balanced eatingA - Avoid mood altering substances such as non-prescribed drugs and alcoholS - Balanced sleepE - ExerciseDoes anyone have any questions about ABC Please or Acting Opposite?"Namjoon heard a few no's and the rest were shaking their heads."Great! You assignment will be to try and act opposite once in the time between now and our next session on Monday. You have a whole weekend to complete this, so it should be plenty of time. That concludes today's session!"As Hoseok left the room with the rest of the group, he felt his pocket buzz. His phone was ringing. He stopped and pulled the phone out of his pocket, confirming his initial thought.It was her.He felt butterflies in his stomach and his heart sped up to a gallop. He usually associated these feelings with a phone call from her, because he loved her.This time, the feeling wasn't love. It was dread.He stared, frozen, long enough that the phone stopped buzzing. It wasn't like him to let the phone get past two rings before he answered a call from her.Hoseok stared as the phone rang for a second time. It was her again. He cancelled the call before turning off his phone completely.He had never felt so free, yet so terrified in all of his life.
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"I want to start today's meditation off a little differently today," Namjoon began. He rummaged around in the top drawer of his desk and produced a bag of miniature chocolates.He placed a chocolate on the desk for himself and then walked around the room distributing a sweet to each person. Hoseok and Jungkook were particularly excited, extending both hands greedily to accept the small treat. Seokjin and Yoongi looked indifferently at the sweet. Taehyung looked at it nonplussed. Jimin hesitated for a moment before accepting the chocolate. He promptly placed it on the side table and would intermittently give it sideways glances."Can we eat it?" Jungkook asked, eyeing the morsel hungrily."We're going to use it as part of an exercise."Jungkook pouted. "Will we get to eat it?""Yes," Namjoon chuckled, settling into his chair. "Ok, so try to keep quite during the exercise and focus all of your attention on the chocolate. Approach this exercise with an open mind and a gentle curiosity. First, I would like you to pick up your wrapped chocolate, but don't unwrap it yet. Place it in the palm of your hand and notice the colors and shapes on the package. Feel the weight of it in your hand. Pretend like you have never seen a wrapped chocolate before and examine it closely."Namjoon watched as everyone held the chocolate in an open palm. Yoongi scrunched his face in confusion at Namjoon, skeptical of the exercise. Ignoring Yoongi, Namjoon continued."Touch the packaging with your fingers and feel the texture. Pay attention to any sound the wrapper makes. Examine the wrapper, noticing all of the colors. Look at the different sides of the chocolate wrapper and notice any place that the light reflects off the package, any shadows. If your mind starts to wander and think about other things, that's okay. Notice the thoughts and bring your attention back to the chocolate."Namjoon saw Jimin shift in his seat. His brow was scrunched together as he held the chocolate in his palm. He held it the way one would hold a live grenade, carefully and at a distance."Now begin to slowly open the wrapper. Listen for the sounds of the wrapper tearing. Notice the movement of your hand, fingers, and arm muscles as you open the chocolate. You may hear other people or other noises in the room. Notice the sounds and bring your attention back to the chocolate."The tinkling and crinkling sound of tinfoil ripping could be heard in the dead silence of the room as everyone unwrapped their chocolates. Hoseok and Jungkook were the first to unwrap theirs, doing a poor job of hiding their impatience with the exercise by ripping the wrapping apart. Seokjin, Yoongi, and Taehyung meticulously unfolded the tinfoil, watching as the treat beneath was slowly exposed. Jimin was the last to unfold his. He stared at it with careful determination first, like he was about to pull the pin on his grenade, before unwrapping the sweet in his hand."Raise the chocolate to your nose and smell the chocolate. Slowly breathe in several times and focus on the different smells. Does smelling the chocolate trigger anything else in your body? Is your mouth watering? Are you having any thoughts? If so, notice them and bring your attention back to smelling the chocolate."Jungkook smelled his chocolate deeply and let out a soft, audible hum. He was completely lost in the moment. Jimin slowly brought the chocolate towards his nose. The heat radiating off his hands had melted the chocolate slightly within the wrapper, intensifying the aroma. As the scent hit his nose, his stomach rumbled and an anxious energy spread through his body."Now place the chocolate in your mouth, but do not chew it or swallow it. Notice the feeling and taste of the chocolate in your mouth. How does it feel as it melts? Notice the taste and sensations of the chocolate on your tongue. Move the chocolate around in your mouth. Chew the chocolate slowly. Try to notice the moment where you feel like you want to swallow."With a trembling hand, Jimin placed the chocolate on his tongue and closed his mouth. He felt the confection mixing with his saliva, creating a creamy consistency as it melted. It coated his tongue, the roof of his mouth, and the back of his throat. He resisted the urge to swallow it down. When he breathed, he could smell the cocoa. He smashed the remaining lump between the right side molars to allow it to dissolve fully."Slowly swallow the chocolate, focusing on the sensations. Notice any lingering tastes or sensations."The moment he swallowed, Jimin felt a familiar urgency bubbling up from the pit of his stomach. His tongue poked around wildly, scraping the roof of his mouth, digging into the crevices of his molars, chasing the remnants of the lingering chocolate. He needed more. The craving was so intense that his body trembled. He curled himself into a ball on his seat, fearing if he let himself go, the vibrations might rip him apart."How was this different from your normal way of eating chocolate?" Namjoon asked, eyes scanning the room for an answer."It was way better," Jungkook said. His eyes were bright and a blissful smile was spread across his face.Several heads nodded in agreement."It was just okay," Yoongi said. "I don't really eat chocolate. I'm not much for sweets.""That's okay," Namjoon replied. "Was there something you noticed about eating chocolate that you haven't noticed before?"Yoongi's tongue poked inside his cheek as he thought. "I didn't realize how much I didn't like the texture of chocolate melting in my mouth. It felt too thick on my tongue.""Good observation. Anyone else?""I didn't realize chocolate had such a strong smell or taste," Hoseok offered."Any thoughts about how this exercise could be applied to eating or to other areas in your life?"The room was silent as everyone thought for a moment."It forces you to take your time?" Seokjin responded hesitantly."Yes... anyone want to add to it?""It keeps you in the moment," Taehyung offered."Precisely," Namjoon pointed to Taehyung and smiled. "Everyone understand?"Everyone was nodding, except Jimin, Namjoon noticed. He was curled up onto his chair, legs pulled in tight against his body, eyes unblinking but looking at nothing in particular."Do you have any questions, Jimin?" Namjoon asked. He didn't like Jimin's blank stare. He could tell something was off.At the mention of his name, Jimin finally blinked and turned his head towards Namjoon. "No. No questions from me," he said flatly.Namjoon let his gaze linger on Jimin for a few moments before he moved the session along. Namjoon was a very patient man, but it was maddening when he could see the wheels turning behind someone's eyes. Sometimes he wished he could physically go into a person's mind and help correct their thought process. It was obvious something was going on with Jimin. He was the last to present both his diary card and his homework. Each time, Namjoon had to prompt him to speak."How did your homework go for you?" Namjoon asked Jimin."Fine. I didn't want to come to today's session, but I did anyway," Jimin lied. He was too busy thinking, planning his next moves. Jimin couldn't be bothered with these questions Namjoon was asking."Jimin, that's really amazing...""What?" Jimin was abruptly snapped out of his thoughts. He whipped his head over to look at Namjoon. The counselor's eyes were shining. He looked proud. An immediate and terrible sinking feeling radiated from Jimin's chest down to the pit of his stomach."Coming to a session when you don't feel like it is really a huge accomplishment. You should feel proud of yourself."Jimin blushed and lowered his head. To Namjoon, the blush was the inability to see accomplishment within himself. To Jimin, it was complete and utter shame for successfully deceiving someone who was truly trying to help him.When Namjoon excused the session for break, Jimin left for his car. He took careful strides, not allowing the electricity within him to show in his step. Before he got to the stairs, he felt a hand on his elbow. He jumped and turned around to see Yoongi."Hey! You going to grab some food for once?""Y-Yeah..." It was all Jimin could muster. Today was not going as planned. His carefully constructed routine for the day was already thrown off and now Yoongi was attempting to insert himself in the mix. Dread mixed with the electricity within him, creating a swirling internal storm."I'll drive. Where do you want to go?"Jimin muttered something about not caring where they ate. He was being led outside by Yoongi to his car, he was caught up in the swirling clouds inside his head. None of this was right. Everything was wrong. The electricity crackled dangerously inside of Jimin, creating a deafening roar of thunder only he could hear.They ended up at a nearby fast food burger joint. The drive-through was wrapped around the building, meaning they would never get their food in time to be back for their session. Yoongi parked the car and they went inside to order."Do you want to eat here or take our orders to go?" Yoongi asked as they approached the counter."Here," Jimin replied.Yoongi ordered and went to the fountain drink station to fill his soda cup while he waited for his food. When he returned to the counter, Jimin had just finished ordering.A moment later, Yoongi's order was up. He hadn't ordered anything extraordinary. Just one of the combo meals off of the menu."Go get us a booth," Jimin said to Yoongi as he returned with his tray of food."You sure you don't want me to wait with you? It's no problem," Yoongi replied.When he locked eyes with Jimin, Yoongi nearly dropped his tray. The fire that Yoongi had seen in Jimin's eyes was back, but this time, the fire didn't flame hot and then smolder when Yoongi saw it. This time the fire was a raging inferno looking to consume everything in its path.Yoongi didn't say another word. He left immediately to go sit at a booth. Eating slowly, he tried to piece together the expression he had just witnessed. It didn't look like Jimin was angry with him. Jimin's eyes looked glazed over, keeping the heat and intensity within himself. Yoongi had never seen anything like it.Jimin joined the booth when Yoongi was half-way through his meal. His tray was loaded with food. A triple patty hamburger, a chicken sandwich, chicken tenders, two large fries, an apple pie, a chocolate chip cookie, and a large milkshake was crowded onto his tray. Nearly enough food for a family of three."You going to be able to finish all of that before we have to get back?" Yoongi asked, cautiously.Jimin didn't respond or make eye contact with Yoongi. Instead, Jimin was focus completely on the food in front of him. He ate with the composure of a dine diner, but with the ravenous mindlessness of a starved wolf. He would alternate large bites of food with large gulps from a large open cup of water and sips of his milkshake. To Yoongi's shock, Jimin had managed to finish his food by the time Yoongi was done eating the last half of his.Yoongi tried again to speak with Jimin. "You practicing for an eating competition or something?"Finally, Jimin offered a chuckle. "I guess I have the experience for it. Maybe I should try that some time."The internal roar of thunder had died down while Jimin was eating, but now it was back. The sensation of pain from his extended belly caused an anxious desperation to be rid of the feeling. He saw his tray littered with the mass of empty wrappers and the roaring of thunder became louder. He stood up abruptly and hid the food wrappers away in the garbage bin, unable to look at them anymore."Let's go. We'll be late," Jimin said, ignoring Yoongi's confused gaze.Yoongi threw his trash away and came up to Jimin who was waiting impatiently at the door. He was bouncing from foot to foot and looking around nervously."Are you-" Yoongi began to ask, but Jimin cut him off."Don't ask me if I'm okay. Not right now. Please."The look of discomfort and desperation was written all over Jimin's face. Yoongi bit his lip and respected Jimin's request, despite his uneasiness. The entire car ride back, Jimin ran his fingers through his hair obsessively, making Yoongi wonder how the younger man still had hair at all. It wasn't until they made it to the upstairs lobby of the counseling center that Jimin finally spoke."You go on ahead. I have to make a pit stop." Jimin jerked a thumb towards the bathroom at the top of the stairs.Yoongi nodded and continued to the room. Something was not right, but Jimin was obviously intent on not letting Yoongi know what is was. All Yoongi could do was respect his wishes, but it hurt him to leave Jimin alone with whatever he was going through.Before entering the bathroom, Jimin looked around to see if anyone was nearby. All the office doors were closed and the lobby was empty once Yoongi was gone. Jimin stepped into the bathroom, making sure to lock the door behind him.Unraveling some toilet paper, he placed it onto the surface of the water inside the toilet bowl. He believed that doing this helped avoid splashing to a degree and muted the sound, but by now, this was just part of the ritual he had created for himself. Holding onto his painfully full stomach, he hinged over the toilet bowl at a 90 degree angle and promptly vomited. He continued expelling his stomach contents until nothing was left and he was dry heaving. The milkshake did a lot to help neutralize the acidity of his stomach and coat his throat, but it never completely took the sting away. He coughed and spat into the toilet bowl a few times before tapping the handle to flush it all down.While washing his hands, he caught a glimpse of his face in the mirror. His skin was flushed a light pink and his eyes were watering from the exertion. He cupped some running water from the sink into his hands and rinsed his mouth several times into the sink. Looking back into the mirror, he pinched his cheeks and frowned. He felt disgusted with how his body looked. Disgusted with his plump cheeks, his thick thighs, and the way his behind made finding pants that fit well difficult. He could never make these areas feel like they were proportionate to the rest of his body, no matter how many times he threw up, no matter how many days he had denied himself food.The storm cloud of intense anxiety was completely gone, flushed into the sewer along with the contents of his stomach. Replacing that anxiety were deep feelings of shame and exhaustion. He had started this cycle of binge, purge, fast, and repeat during the summer between middle school and high school. Sometimes he would go a month without engaging in any of these destructive behaviors. Other times, it would be every day, sometimes multiple times a day. He was vaguely aware of what would trigger these cycles. Sometimes it was intense stress or a break in his normal daily routine, other times it would happen when he was around what he deemed to be 'bad' food choices. Then there were the other times when he wasn't sure why he did it at all.Jimin tried to recall the delirious elation he felt when he began noticing changes to his body. The first thing to change was his collar bones. He felt like he was a step closer to accomplishing his goal of becoming thinner when he could flaunt them prominently above the neckline of his tee shirts. His most recent milestone was being able to see the outlines of each individual rib along his sternum. In the past whenever he hit a new milestone, he felt that same elation return and it added the fuel that he need to keep the fire burning inside him. However, this past milestone felt different.Instead of elated, Jimin only felt tired and sad. He willed his mind to think about other things. He couldn't allow himself be consumed again.This time was going to be different. He was going to change. He just didn't know how.After making sure he looked clean and presentable, Jimin made his way back to the room for the remainder of the session. Unfortunately, it was already well under way by the time he had returned. He entered quietly and sat at his seat, refusing to make eye contact with anybody, and slightly grateful for his tardiness. All eyes were on Jimin, but Namjoon did not stop the lesson."Boundaries are a really important thing to learn about yourself," Namjoon said, switching to the next slide. "A boundary is a limit or space between you and another person; a clear place where you begin and the other person ends. The purpose of setting a healthy boundary is, of course, to protect and take good care of yourself. Our boundaries might be rigid, loose, somewhere in between, or even non-existent. A complete lack of boundaries may indicate that we don't have a strong identity or are enmeshed with someone else."There are different types of boundaries and each can be either too rigid, too loose, healthy, or nonexistent. The different types of boundaries are sexual, physical, emotional, intellectual, time, and material boundaries. Can anyone give me examples of what each of these boundaries might be?"No one raised their hand or made a move to speak. Sensing the mood drop in the room since Jimin entered, Namjoon made the executive decision to simply continue with the lesson for this evening."Ok, no problem. A physical boundary refers to someone's personal space or physical touch. Some people are more open to having others touch them, others are not. An intellectual boundary refers to someone's thoughts and ideas. Having a healthy intellectual boundary means that you can accept that other people have their own opinions and thoughts. Belittling or shaming someone for their opinions means you might not have a healthy boundary line."An emotional boundary refer to a person's feelings. These boundaries can be breached if someone's emotions or feelings are invalidated or criticized. A sexual boundary refers to the emotional, intellectual, and physical aspects of a person's sexuality. Having a healthy boundary means you are able to respect other's sexuality and another person's wants and desires. Pressure to do certain sexual acts, unwanted touch, or -"There was a sudden bang as Taehyung's chair slammed against the wall. He had shot out of his chair and was sprinting towards the door. Three steps in, he realized he wouldn't make it all the way to the bathroom. Choosing the next best option, he collapsed in front of the trash can next to the door and began dry-heaving into the bin.Namjoon was next to Taehyung in an instant as the rest of the room broke out into concerned murmurs. "Hey-hey-hey... Taehyung, are you okay?"Taehyung was hyperventilating, tears streaming down his face. He heaved once more, but still nothing came up from his stomach. Namjoon put one hand on Taehyung's back and another gripped on his upper arm, coaxing him to stand up."Everyone, I will be back in a moment. Please stay here," he said as he helped Taehyung to his feet.He led Taehyung, who was still clutching the trash bin to his chest, to an empty meeting room and sat him down on a couch. Namjoon knelt in front of him like he did previously and spoke in soft tones."This is just a panic attack, Taehyung. It will pass, okay?"Taehyung opened his eyes, but he wasn't looking at Namjoon. His gaze went over Namjoon's shoulder to the doorway. Namjoon turned around to see Jungkook hovering in the doorway nervously."Jungkook, please go back to the room. I'll be-""It's... Okay..."Namjoon turned his attention back to Taehyung.Between hitching breaths, Taehyung repeated, "He... Knows..."Understanding washed over Namjoon and his defensiveness eroded away. He motioned for Jungkook to come closer."I'm going to speed through the rest of the session and I'll be right back to check on you," Namjoon said to Taehyung before turning to Jungkook."Come get me immediately if he gets worse or if you feel you can't handle this, understand?" Jungkook had never seen such a serious expression on Namjoon's face before."Okay," Jungkook made sure to use words to respond instead of his usual nodding. "I will."Using quick, powerful strides, Namjoon exited and returned to the meeting room to finish up the lesson.Taehyung looked up at Jungkook, his eyes bleary and his face flushed from the dry-heaving. Jungkook knelt in front of Taehyung and placed his hands on the trashcan. Taehyung was reluctant to let it go, holding it made him feel more grounded, like he wasn't going to disappear.When Jungkook had finally wrestled the trashcan away from Taehyung's tense grip, he opened his arms wide, invitingly. Taehyung sniffled, momentarily forgetting his panic in the confusion of seeing Jungkook opening himself to him."You... Sure...?" Taehyung asked, breath still hitching painfully in his chest.Deliberately choosing words over body language, Jungkook said, "Yes. It's okay."Taehyung collapsed into Jungkook's arms with heaving sob, knocking them both to the floor. Jungkook, momentarily stunned, hesitated before wrapping his arms around Taehyung's trembling frame. It had been a long time since Jungkook had allowed himself to be so close to another human being. He expected the interaction to feel wrong, but he felt quite the opposite. He saw a reflection of himself in Taehyung. He couldn't understand everything that was going on, but he understood the suffering and the anguish, and he empathized with that.Jungkook simply wrapping his arms around Taehyung was doing little to calm the man down. Taehyung was still heaving and gasping against him, his hands balled into fists, clenching the back of Jungkook's shirt. Jungkook needed to try something, anything, or Taehyung was going to pass out.Jungkook held Taehyung tight against him, one hand splayed between his shoulder blades, the other at curve where his neck and head met."I need you to breathe with me, Taehyung.""I... Can't..." Taehyung's words were forced out with each short exhale.He pressed Taehyung's back tighter to him. "You have to try."Jungkook inhaled through his nose for five counts. He felt Taehyung rise against him as his chest puffed out. Jungkook then opened his mouth and exhaled loudly for the count of nine. He felt the weight of Taehyung press against his chest again as all the air was expelled from his lungs. He repeated several rounds of this before he felt Taehyung's breathing begin to change.Taehyung's sobs finally began to quiet and Jungkook allowed himself to feel a little more at ease. As he encouraged Taehyung softly to match the rhythm of his breathing, he continued to soothe Taehyung using touch. Jungkook pet the back of Taehyung's hair down with one hand and made circles on his back with the other using the flat of his palm. He was suddenly aware of how closely their bodies were pressed together when he realized he could feel Taehyung's heart beating against his chest. It felt like a tiger trapped inside a cage, restlessly testing the bars, looking for an opportunity to escape.He didn't relax his hold until he could feel Taehyung breathing in time with his rhythm.Taehyung's death grip had finally released itself from the back of Jungkook's shirt. He pressed himself back gently to look at the man who had sat with him through this incredibly vulnerable moment. Neither party knew what to say, so they just stared at each other.Jungkook broke the silence first."Do you feel a little better?"Taehyung nodded and sniffled. "Thank you... You didn't have to stay the whole time.""Yes, I did. You needed someone..." Jungkook sighed. "You needed someone who understood..."For the remainder of their time together, Jungkook told Taehyung about his night-time anxiety attacks. He laid bare his reasons for being in group therapy, the social anxiety and the difficulty making connections with people. By the end, Jungkook had tears in his eyes, but they were from relief. Relief that he felt he had someone who could understand now. It made him happy.Their conversation was interrupted when they heard a soft knock on the door frame. It was Namjoon. "The session is over if you both want to grab your things out of the meeting room," he said gently.They got up from the floor to leave. After Jungkook left, Namjoon stopped Taehyung at the door. "Are you alright?"He nodded."I'm very sorry I didn't stay with you," Namjoon said. "I'm supposed to stay with the group..." Taehyung could see the worry and regret in his eyes.Taehyung shook his head and offered a small smile. "Don't be. Jungkook helped me a lot."Namjoon allowed himself to feel a small amount of relief. "Will you be okay to drive home? Can you keep yourself safe tonight?"Taehyung's mouth pressed into a line for a moment at the last question, but knowing Namjoon was asking out of concern and not fear, he let his face relax. "I can keep myself safe tonight. I promise."Namjoon searched Taehyung's face for any sort of lie before nodding and allowing him to leave.With a heavy sigh of someone experiencing a long, exhausting day, Namjoon made the way to his office through the lobby. He still had paperwork to file before he could go home tonight. He reached for the doorknob to his office when he heard a small voice behind him."D-Do you have a minute?"Namjoon turned around to see Jimin standing in front of a chair in the lobby."Of course," Namjoon said, pushing the office door open and extending a hand for Jimin to enter first.As soon as Namjoon closed the door, Jimin let out a hard exhale."I lied about my act opposite assignment..."He told Namjoon everything.Jimin wanted to get better.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
'The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected. Please try dialing-'
Seokjin's fingers trembled so violently that he lost his grip on his cell phone. It bounced, unharmed, onto the carpet. He knew this day would come, but he thought he had more time."You dropped this..." Hoseok extended Seokjin's phone towards him.Seokjin put on a fake smile and forced out a face laugh. "How clumsy of me..."Hoseok noticed the strained sound in Seokjin's voice and the slight shake in his fingers when he accepted the phone. He sat down in the lobby chair next to Seokjin. IOP didn't start for another fifteen minutes and the room was currently occupied.Hoseok pursed his lips and pushed air out through his teeth, making a squeaking noise, before saying, "You're always calling someone, but you're never talking to anyone... Who are you trying to get a hold of?"Seokjin looked at the dark screen of his phone. He could see his reflection mirrored on the surface. His mom always said he looked so much like his dad, but he never saw what she was seeing. Now, any time he looked at his reflection, his dad was the only thing he could see."Seokjin? Did you hear me?""Huh?" Seokjin turned his head. Hoseok was staring at him. "What?""I asked who you were trying to call. You're always calling someone, but I never see you talking with anyone," Hoseok repeated, concern creeping into his expression."Oh uh... just trying to get a hold of family," he said evasively."Are you close with them?"Seokjin closed his eyes and took a breath. He knew Hoseok was just trying to make small talk, but he didn't understand why it had to be about this subject in particular."It's complicated," Seokjin replied after some thought."Are you alright?" Hoseok asked suddenly."What? Why do you ask?" Seokjin felt his smile falter a little bit.Hoseok shrugged and looked at his hands. "You don't talk much in group about how you're feeling. You're always deflecting. I only recently opened up because someone started prodding. I was wondering if you just needed someone to ask you directly-"Seokjin's ears began to turn a bright red. "I'm fine," he snapped."Really?" Hoseok said, his face was strained with concern. "Then why are you here?"Seokjin stood up and rounded on Hoseok, towering over him as he sat."I said, I'm fine."The door to the IOP meeting room opened and a group of teenagers flooded out into the lobby, ending the conversation.Seokjin stared at Hoseok, a mixture of hurt and confusion on his face. One of Hoseok's eyebrows was raised in confusion, but otherwise, was not moved by Seokjin's sudden outburst.The teenagers filtered out of the lobby. Seokjin was still standing over Hoseok. They stared at each other for a few more moments before Seokjin's massive shoulders slumped."I'm sorry..." he muttered before turning to walk away.He felt Hoseok grab his wrist."No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed."Seokjin didn't turn around. He didn't want Hoseok to see the tears in his eyes."I just... I want you to know that you're not alone..." Hoseok said before letting go.Seokjin's only response was a nod before he left for the IOP meeting room.Hoseok sat in the lobby for a few minutes after Seokjin left, head in his hands, wondering if he said the wrong thing.Namjoon opened his office door. He saw Hoseok sitting in the lobby, much like Jimin had two nights before."Did you need to speak with me, Hoseok?" Namjoon asked.Hoseok perked his head up. "Oh! No. I'm alright..."Namjoon walked across the room. Closing the gap between them, so he could speak softer. "You know my office is always open.""No, really. It's not me... I'm a little worried about Seokjin..." Hoseok began twisting his fingers together."Did something happen?" Namjoon looked concerned."Nothing bad happened. He just... I wish he would open up.""You can't force that sort of thing," Namjoon shrugged. "Sometimes people don't want to talk about their problems. It could be that he feels he will 'burden' others by asking them to listen or maybe he's just not comfortable opening up yet. There's still a great deal of stigma associated with mental health and seeing therapists. Please try not to take it personally."Hoseok nodded, still rubbing his hands together nervously."Let's go," Namjoon said, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. They walked to the IOP meeting room together.The session began normally. Everyone was on time and Namjoon started the session with a meditation video. This one featured a female voice speaking over the tranquil sounds of the ocean. The general consensus was everyone liked this particular video, which Namjoon noted for future reference.Another thing Namjoon noticed was that Yoongi was looking particularly morose today. He kept his binder closed on the seat next to him as the others began to read their diary cards. At closer inspection, Namjoon noticed that Yoongi was picking at the sides of his fingers with his fingernails. He had managed to pick away so much skin that it was raw and pink in places. His right thumb began bleeding halfway through Jungkook's diary card.Yoongi did not wince at the wound. He stared at it for a few moments before popping the digit in his mouth to suck off the blood. When he pulled it out, he immediately began pressing the nail back into the skin next to the open wound."... And I used Cost-Benefit Analysis," Jungkook finished. He closed his binder, having completed his diary card.Namjoon looked away from Yoongi and jotted down the remaining notes he had for Jungkook's diary card."How is your medication going?" Namjoon asked Jungkook."I think it's going well. I've only been on it for a week, but I already feel a decrease in my anxiety... I feel hopeful..." Jungkook said in a soft voice. He was participating a lot more in group, but he was still very soft spoken. It was still an impressive progression that Namjoon never let him forget."That's great. Keep taking note of any changes you feel so you can talk about it with your psychiatrist," Namjoon said. "You're doing a great job, Jungkook."Jungkook ran his fingers through the back of his hair. "Thank you," he replied, softer than before. A flush blossomed across his cheeks and set his ears aflame.Namjoon turned his attention to Yoongi. "You ready Yoongi?"Yoongi did not open his binder. "Zero, Five, Zero, Five, Zero, Zero, Five, Zero, Five," he rattled off.Namjoon wrote them down. "Okay... What about your urges?"Again, Yoongi rattled off a series of numbers without touching his binder. "Five. Five. Five. Five. Zero. Five. Five."Namjoon began writing down Yoongi's numbers, but paused when he got to the end. He looked down puzzled at his paper."Yoongi... that's not enough numbers.""I know that." Yoongi dug deeper into his left thumb with the nail on his ring finger."Did you skip the ones at the end?" Namjoon asked, confused.Yoongi did not reply."Yoongi... Which ones did you skip?" Namjoon's voice was quiet."Which ones do you think?" Yoongi raised his stare from the fixed spot on the floor to look directly into Namjoon's eyes.The room went silent, as if everyone was holding their breath."Yoongi. If you are having thoughts of self-harm, suicidal ideations, or suicidal intent, you have to tell me." Namjoon aimed to sound serious while using the most gentle voice he could muster."Why?" Yoongi snapped back. "So you can have me committed?"Namjoon was prepared for this type of defensive response."Yoongi, it's my job to make sure you are safe.""Yeah... Your job. You only pretend to give a shit about any of us because you get a fucking paycheck off of our misery," Yoongi spat.Namjoon was not prepared for that type of response."You know that's not true. I care deeply about everyone I see." Namjoon said, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice.Yoongi scoffed and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. "How could I possibly know that?""I'm trying to help you. That's why you're here-""You want to know why I'm here?" Yoongi's stare was ice cold as he leaned in to rest his elbows on his knees.Namjoon kept his face calm and attentive, despite the near threatening tone of Yoongi's voice and posture. His years in graduate school and internships prepared him for these rare hostile encounters, but it never stopped his heart rate from spiking when they happened.The tension in the room was suffocating."I'm here, because I made the mistake of trusting my therapist," Yoongi licked his lips. "She said that I would learn some new skills to help me deal with my depression and I actually got my hopes up... but... meditation? The difference between emotions and urges? Types of boundaries? All of these things are common sense..."He scoffed, realizing how little he cared to keep things a secret any longer."When I entered this room, I told myself that if this program didn't work, I would kill myself..."It was out now. Yoongi's terrible secret. He thought he would be more terrified by admitting his thoughts, but an unnerving sense of calm came over him. Now, he didn't feel the need to wait until the program was over any more. He had had enough.Yoongi turned to grab his binder off of the seat next to him and when he moved to stand up, he was blocked into his seat by a figure. Expecting Namjoon, Yoongi shot his gaze up angrily.It was Jimin standing above him. Yoongi's anger pivoted to confusion. Jimin squat down in front of Yoongi and began to speak."Less than a year ago, I was hospitalized for my eating disorder and went through an inpatient treatment program. Before I left, the doctors prescribed some antidepressants. Not long after, I noticed that I wasn't feeling right and my mood was fluctuating dramatically. I told my psychiatrist and he said that was normal, that it would take time for me to adjust to the new medication. I waited it out, thinking that the doctor was right... Unfortunately, not long after that, I found myself in a spiral of dark thoughts and I decided to take the whole bottle of antidepressants at once."Yoongi's eyes were wide and he was barely breathing, hanging on to every word that Jimin said. Jimin gently took Yoongi's hands in his own and continued his story."Now, I could easily blame my actions on the medication and poor communication between my therapist and I, but that wouldn't be the entire truth... I've been battling disordered eating for nearly a decade and had been through inpatient treatment several times before. Every time I was released, I hoped that it would be the last time I was hospitalized. I would do well for a few weeks, sometimes a month or two even, but I kept relapsing..."Jimin took a shaky inhale and his eyes became shiny. "When I tried to end my life, I was so tired... tired of the hospital stays, the destructive rituals I created for myself, my parents and friends looking at me suspiciously if I said I wasn't hungry or if I had to use the bathroom after dinner... It all became too much... Before I swallowed all those pills, I realized how tired I was of being alive..."Yoongi's eyes never wavered from Jimin's face, not for a moment. He felt his nose twinge as he fought back tears.Unexpectedly, Jimin smiled. The force of the smile turned his eyes into little crescent moons above his cheeks and caused the tears he was holding back to release."I'm so glad I didn't die that day.""Why?" Yoongi asked."I never would have met you."Yoongi let out a choked laugh of disbelief and pulled his hands away. Jimin's face fell at the sudden rejection and he scrambled to fill his empty hands again."I'm serious, Yoongi. You inspired me to get better."Yoongi allowed his hands to be held again, but he poked his cheek with his tongue and looked away from Jimin, not sure what to say."I relapsed the other day, when we went to get lunch together..."Alarmed, Yoongi turned back to face Jimin. "Did I cause you to relapse?" he asked, fear sinking low into his belly.Jimin's eyes grew wide, "No! I was already in the planning process by the time you asked me to go with you... What I am trying to say, is despite knowing something was wrong, you tried to make me laugh. You were there for me in a way no one had been before... You didn't make me feel like I was a freak that needed to be fixed... You saw me for me and not my disorder..."Yoongi lowered his head, but Jimin hooked a finger underneath his chin and raised it so they could be eye level with each other."Yoongi, you are more important to people than you realize..." Jimin smiled, sweetly.The ice had long melted from Yoongi's eyes and the pool of water it created was finally overflowing. He hid his face in his hands and cried. Jimin pulled Yoongi in and rubbed his back.At some point during Jimin and Yoongi's conversation, Namjoon had quietly dismissed everyone for a break. They were the only three in the room when Yoongi finally lifted his head."I'm sorry," Yoongi mumbled, wiping his tears away with the heel of his hand."What's to be sorry for?" Namjoon asked, stepping a little closer to the pair."For lying... for always being a pain in the ass... for saying you didn't care..." Yoongi wouldn't look Namjoon in the eyes. He was too ashamed.Namjoon chuckled. "Don't be sorry... I mean... Yoongi, you opened up and that takes guts. I'm proud of you."Yoongi finally raised his eyes to Namjoon. He couldn't be sure, but it looked like Namjoon's eyes were glassy and red as if he was holding back tears."I'm very proud of you," Namjoon repeated.Tears stung Yoongi's eyes again. He blinked, allowing them to escape, no longer wanting to hold his sadness back. He turned his attention back to Jimin and looked deep into his eyes."I understood what you said... that feeling tired of being alive... There are days where I struggle to shower or eat properly... It's like I'm going through the daily motions of life and every day is the same and it's all..." Yoongi's voice broke. "It all feels so meaningless...""What made you want to live again?" Yoongi asked, searching Jimin's face.Jimin ran his fingers through his hair. "Promise not to make fun of me?"Yoongi nodded."My cat..." Jimin started, cheeks flushing. "She's a little strange. People say she's a brat, but... she's mine and I love her so much... I realized that no one, not my friends or my family, would love her as much as I love her... and if I died... I don't know what would happen to her. If she would be taken well care of... So, I decided to try and live for her.""I think that's really sweet..." Yoongi said, giving Jimin the smallest smile."Not to interrupt, but I would like to have a word with Yoongi alone while we're still on break. Is that okay, Jimin?" Namjoon asked, placing a hand on Jimin's shoulder."Of course," Jimin stood up. "Would you like me to get you any food, Yoongi?"Yoongi thought for a moment. "Okay... Just no burgers, alright?" He winked.Jimin wiped the remaining tears off of his face and let out a sarcastic bark of a laugh. "You got it."All three left the meeting room and went their separate ways in the lobby. Jimin out the door to the stairs and Namjoon and Yoongi into the counselor's office."Don't be so nervous, Yoongi," Namjoon said, offering him a seat on one of the plush chairs in the corners of the tiny office. Yoongi sat in one and Namjoon sat in the other so they could be seated next to each other without a desk in between them."A-Are you going to have me committed?" Yoongi said, nervously picking at the sides of his fingernails again."Do you still feel that you want to take your own life?" Namjoon answered back with a question.Yoongi thought for a moment, carefully considering his answer. "Now? No... but I don't know how I might feel later tonight or tomorrow even...""It's good to hear that you are feeling better now, but you are very correct..." Namjoon stood up and opened a drawer in his desk. He took out a piece of paper, a clipboard, and a pen and handed them to Yoongi."What I would like to do with you now is create a plan of action," Namjoon said, sitting back down in the chair opposite Yoongi. "This is a series of steps you can take to make sure you stay safe when you're having suicidal thoughts or ideations."Yoongi looked at the paper. It was a worksheet with "Prevention Plan" written at the top. Beneath it were five steps."Step one," Namjoon began. "Identify that you are having these thoughts or feelings. It could be something like 'I am tired of being alive' or 'I wish I was dead'. Step two is to use coping strategies that don't require contacting anyone else. Some of these strategies we're learning through IOP, but what else makes you feel good?"It took a few minutes, but Yoongi finally responded. "I like writing lyrics and listening to music.""Great, write those down on the lines under step two so you can remember."Yoongi wrote down his positive activities and they continued to step three."If step two isn't enough to calm you, you should move on to step three. Step three is to contact people who provide distraction and relief. This would be someone you enjoy being around, but may not want to open up to about your suicidal thoughts. Do you have anyone like that?"Yoongi nodded. "I have some friends who are good at making me laugh... However, I think they would freak out if I told them I was suicidal..." He wrote the names of these friends on the lines under step three."Step four is for when step three fails. This is when you should contact a friend or family member to tell them you are having suicidal thoughts so they can help you move to step five if it's needed. You should write a couple of people's names down."Jimin was the first name Yoongi did not hesitate to write down. He thought about the night Jimin wrote his phone number on the back of Yoongi's hand. Jimin made him promise to call if he needed someone to talk to. Yoongi realized Jimin probably knew what he was going through even then and it made his heart swell with emotion. After much internal deliberation, he also added his mother and brother to list."The last step is where you should contact your therapist or an emergency crisis line," Namjoon said. "The number to this therapy center is on that sheet and the national crisis hotline. Even though our offices are closed, we have an answering service that can forward calls to us in case of an emergency."Namjoon leaned in closer to Yoongi. "I don't want you to feel like you can't talk about thoughts of suicide, Yoongi. Most people don't know that being committed is an extreme step that's only enacted upon if we believe your life to be at serious risk..."Yoongi began picking at his nails. "Am I at serious risk to you?""Have you thought about how you would kill yourself?" Namjoon asked, relaxing into the chair. Yoongi couldn't believe that they were talking about this subject so openly and easily."Not really... I mean there were a couple ideas that have flitted in and out, but I haven't been able to decide what's best..." Yoongi responded candidly."Do you own or have access to any weapons that you could use to kill yourself?""No, I don't...""I don't believe you are at a serious risk then... but should that change, you have a safety plan, and friends that understand, to help you through it." Namjoon eased Yoongi's tension with a warm smile.Yoongi let a couple tears of relief slip down his face."Thank you, Namjoon... Thank you for giving me hope..."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Hello? Who is this?" A women's voice was on the other end of the line."S-Sorry... Wrong number..."Seokjin hung up the phone immediately. His head felt like it wasn't attached to his body, as if it was floating somewhere above his shoulders. He sat perfectly still, eyes unblinking, until he felt a tap on his shoulder."We can go into the room now..."It was Hoseok. He was looking down at Seokjin with big, soft eyes. Seokjin suspected that he had been lurking in the hallway during the phone call. His ears burned as he gathered his belongings and got up from his lobby seat and followed Hoseok without a word.It was week four of IOP and most members had adjusted to the taxing hours of group therapy. Some days were harder than others depending on the techniques that were being taught, but Namjoon had marked some signs of improvement for most of the members. Last week, Hoseok shared that he had broken up with his abusive girlfriend and moved in temporarily with a family member. Jimin spoke more openly about his eating disorder, which helped in discovering some triggers and adopting some coping skills when he felt these urges. Jungkook was making an effort to reach out and connect to people more. He even began sitting next to a small group of people in his college class and regularly engaging in small bits of conversation. Even Yoongi's attitude during therapy was remarkably better. He could be seen chatting with the other IOP members and Jimin was able to get him to smile on more than one occasion. Each of them still had bad days, but Namjoon could tell that they were beginning to adopt some of the coping skills they've learned even without their diary cards.This couldn't be said of everyone, however. Namjoon was particularly worried about Taehyung and Seokjin. During diary cards, both would speak in cryptic terms, trying to skirt around direct questions. One small relief for Namjoon was that Taehyung's panic attacks during sessions had become much less disruptive. Since the day Jungkook helped Taehyung, they had been inseparable during sessions. Whenever Jungkook sensed a change in Taehyung, he would reach for Taehyung's hand and begin taking slow, deep breaths loudly. Much like a Pavlovian response, Taehyung would begin to match the rhythm of Jungkook's breaths and it would calm him enough to prevent a major panic attack.The support system that Namjoon had seen develop between Jimin and Yoongi and Taehyung and Jungkook was a rare thing to happen in IOP. He thought he may never get to experience something like this again in his career.Seokjin was an enigma to Namjoon. By all accounts, he seemed to be a very well adjusted individual. He laughed regularly and chatted fervently during breaks with everyone in the group. He paid attention and always had an answer or suggestion to help move sessions along. However, when Seokjin would give example situations, they were basic and detached. Usually when someone offers an example, they are drawing from personal experience. Allowing group members the opportunity to speak their own issues through a hypothetical scenario out loud can usually bring relief and allow the counselor and the group collectively think of coping skills. Seokjin didn't do this. The only tip off that something was wrong was his diary card. The score for masking never went below a four and guilt was always ranked a five.Being nearly halfway through their time together, Namjoon wanted to make sure that Seokjin was able to gain something from his sessions. This meant opening him up and getting him to speak about why he was in therapy. He hoped today's skill would help crack his shell, even just a little."This lesson is called turning the mind or willingness. It's to help us learn to accept reality," Namjoon began. "There are four steps that must be done in order. They're fairly simple. First is to notice you're not accepting reality. Second, you make an inner commitment to accept the reality you're avoiding. Third, you keep recommitting to yourself to accept this reality. Lastly, you should plan for when you drift out of this acceptance. Turning the mind and willingness are different from radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is where you sit with the uncomfortable feelings that come with accepting reality. In sitting with these feelings, you are focusing on the fact that urges are separate from actions and learning to sit with these urges, if you experience any. Now... has anyone here had a time where they couldn't accept something as a reality?"As always, Namjoon paused to give everyone an equal opportunity to speak up before singling someone out to help facilitate conversation."My dad is dead."The room went silent and all attention cautiously focused on Seokjin. He was sitting statue still with his hands limply placed in his lap, he stared unblinking and vacant at the floor. Everyone waited calmly to allow him time to continue.After a breath, Seokjin scoffed. "I think that's the first time I've ever acknowledged that aloud..." He began running his hands down the lengths of his thighs in a sliding motion. Repeating the action, feeling the fabric beneath his hands, kept him there in the moment."It happened about four months ago," he continued. "I was in a residency program at the hospital where my dad practiced. There is this important annual conference that the hospital sends staff to every year. Normally, my father is one of those people. This year, he offered up his spot to allow me to go in his stead."He licked his lips and broke his empty stare with a momentary flutter of his eyelids. "I didn't want to go... I felt that I wasn't earning my experiences, that my father was handing everything to me. I realize that it might sounds entitled of me to be upset about being handed a good start at life, but... it's more complicated that that. As much as I know my father wanted to help me, it felt suffocating. So, I told him that I wasn't going to go. His immediate response?"Seokjin let out a dry cough of a laugh. "He called me an ungrateful bastard and threatened to kick me out of the residency program. My father said that I had to do as he said, because he was my father and I was his child. I am a twenty-four year old adult."He shook his head. "I was so furious. I was angry at him and at myself for always falling into the trap of accepting his help. I just always thought it would be different the next time... you know? I love my father... but we have... had a complicated relationship. He needed to control everything and everyone in his life.""The last thing I ever said to my father was 'I don't need you anymore.'.." Seokjin's throat felt raw as if he had been screaming. He tried to swallow, but found his mouth was dry, creating an audible clicking noise."He never made it to the conference. On the way there, his car was struck by a semi on the highway... I guess the best thing I can say is that he died instantly."Seokjin felt numb, devoid of emotion. "After his death, I lost my place at the residency. Not because my father died, but because I wasn't showing up on time and I was messing up patient charts... I don't know what happened, but I couldn't concentrate and I just wanted to sleep all the time. I became a liability to the hospital, so they let me go..."Seokjin paused to gather his thoughts, still rubbing his palms against his legs. They felt warm from the friction, but he couldn't stop himself from repeating the action."I didn't feel anything when he died or even at the funeral. I never cried. Not once. During my father's funeral service, my mother noticed I wasn't crying... She... She had understandably been a mess ever since she received the news. She lashed out at me, trying to direct her anger at something, anything, for the injustice she felt of losing the love of her life... She told me that it should have been me who died in the car crash..."Jimin sharply inhaled and Yoongi was shaking his head disapprovingly. The rest of the room continued to sit in a stony silence, eyes either fixed on Seokjin or at the floor, unsure of how to respond.Not wanting to leave an uncomfortable silence, Seokjin continued hurriedly. "She realized what she said and apologized immediately afterwards, but... some days... I can't help but think how things would have been different if I had just gone to the conference. Maybe he wouldn't have been killed in that car crash..."Seokjin stopped rubbing his hands against his thighs, unable to take the heat and irritation any longer. He shot his head up to make eye contact with Namjoon."I just keep pretending like everything is okay, like nothing happened... Am I... broken?"Namjoon's face twisted into a pained frown, unable to hold back the sinking feeling in his heart."No, Seokjin... You're not broken. Not at all. Everyone grieves differently and it sounds like you had a complicated relationship with your father. Denial is a common stage of grief. What you are experiencing is completely normal."Seokjin nodded slowly, digesting Namjoon's words before speaking again. "I call his cell phone every day... hoping he would pick up. Today..."He tamped down a pang of emotion, compacting the heaviness in his chest with a dry swallow. "Today... the phone didn't go straight to voicemail and it wasn't disconnected... A woman answered... His phone number was reassigned to someone else... It's like he never existed...""That's not true you know..." Seokjin turned to see Taehyung staring at him. "Your memories of him will always be with you...""Have you lost a parent?" Seokjin asked."No..." Taehyung shrunk in on himself a little. "But... I've experienced what I would consider loss...""What was your experience like?" Seokjin asked, sitting forward in his seat with interest.Regretting his decision to speak up, Taehyung put both of his large hands out in front of him and waved them back and forth slightly. "I don't want to take away from what you were saying. You should continue. I'm sorry I interrupted.""No, please, I want to hear." Seokjin further inched to the front of his seat to express his interest. Part of him wanted to hear what Taehyung had to say, but there was another part of him that was grateful for the interruption. He couldn't take the sympathetic stares from everyone in the room any longer.Taehyung fidgeted in his seat, uncomfortable with the idea of sharing, but feeling like now was the time. He sucked his lips over his teeth and drew out his tongue to wet them."Firstly, I want you to know that I am not comparing my loss to yours, okay?" Taehyung looked directly at Seokjin, staring him down until the man nodded that he understood."So I've mentioned that I'm divorced... and... uh... I didn't take it well... at all," Taehyung took in a deep, deliberate breath and slowly let it out. "Honestly, I'm still not taking it well. My wife was my first love, my whole world... and when she asked for a divorce... I stopped functioning for a while."Taehyung reached up and began twisting small sections of his hair between his fingers. "I barely ate anything for the first two months after the divorce. If it wasn't for my family giving me meals, I probably wouldn't have eaten at all. When I wasn't at work, I was either sleeping for 12 hours at a time or playing video games until 3:00 AM, because my mind wouldn't shut off. I couldn't maintain a normal sleeping schedule no matter what I tried. Once, I even slept through my alarm and was two hours late for work... I was just so completely exhausted in every sense of the word. Daily life felt like a chore."Taehyung stopped fidgeting with his hair and instead favored biting his bottom lip, hands now clasped together. "While I know she isn't dead... I tried to reach out to her once a couple of months after... but that was a mistake. She made it very clear that she never wanted to be contacted again and that hurt. She was the person I turned to when I needed comfort and now... that connection is gone forever."Seokjin nodded. "I can see how you related our situations. Death isn't the only way you can lose someone."Taehyung blinked and a couple of tears rolled down his cheeks. He wasn't sure if the tears were of sadness or relief that Seokjin understood. "I don't know if you felt this way, but... It's like I saw my life going one way and then, with four little words, everything I knew to be true in my life was gone. Except it was all the hopes and dreams I had involving her, like starting a family and growing old with her... Everything was gone and I was devastated."Seokjin cleared his throat. It was becoming difficult to hold back these new feelings that had begun to seep into him ever since he heard that unfamiliar voice on the phone a few hours ago."Yeah... Except..." Seokjin paused, trying to gather the right words. "I didn't feel like I was allowed to grieve when my father died... Because I kept thinking it was my fault.""You know it's not your fault... right?" Namjoon interjected. "You couldn't have known there was going to be an accident."Seokjin's ears were a bright red and his eyes were glassy. His Adam's apple bobbed several times as he tried to swallow down his emotions enough to respond. In the end, he could only manage a nod."I'm really glad you're opening up, Seokjin." Namjoon said. "You took a big step in moving towards accepting your father's death today."Namjoon turned towards Taehyung. "Thank you for sharing as well, Taehyung. I think you brought some real insight to what it means to lose someone, whether it's death or the end of a relationship."Taehyung nodded, poking his tongue out to wet his lips again. "Yeah... but... I'm still struggling with accepting some things about what happened in the relationship.""Well, now is a good time to talk about it, as we are talking about learning how to be willing to accept reality," Namjoon encouraged, attempting to gently turn the conversation back to the lesson for the day.Taehyung looked nervously around the room, wetting his lips again before speaking quietly."I... I think my wife may have raped me?"Taehyung didn't want a long silence, but he took a moment to process his next words carefully. He felt the weight of the accusation that crossed his lips heavy on his tongue. "Let me clarify that until recently, I didn't know you could be raped by your significant other. It sounds like common sense now, but I always thought sex was something you had to do in order to keep a relationship together." Taehyung paused to wipe the mostly dried tears off of his cheeks. Heat began to rise from his abdomen. He wasn't sure if it was from anger or shame."However, when I think back on it, she was always pressuring me into doing things sexually I didn't want to do. She constantly asked if she could insert... sex toys in me..." Taehyung squirmed in his seat as if the memory of it alone caused him pain. "I kept telling her no and she listened... for a while..."Taehyung looked up at Namjoon, unsure if he should continue. Namjoon leaned forward in his chair to show his interest and gave a reassuring nod."After we were married, her requests became more persistent. At first, I held my ground and continued to say no, but she would keep asking me over and over again... I began to worry that she would cheat on me if I didn't give her what she wanted. I wanted to do it to make her happy, so I let her stick toys inside me and experiment... We didn't have sex like this all the time, but after those times we did do the things she wanted, I would go into the bathroom and cry. I would feel sick, like I was going to throw up and I would shake. At the time I didn't understand... but now..." Taehyung inhaled shakily. "I think the worst of it was towards the end of our marriage... I fast asleep one night, but I woke up to her trying to get me hard... It was so jarring and uncomfortable... I felt like my body wasn't mine anymore..."Something Taehyung had said several weeks ago came rushing back to Hoseok. Before his brain had a chance to catch up and stop him, his mouth was already speaking the words."Men can be abused too..." Hoseok echoed the words said in his car back to Taehyung. Taehyung nodded somberly and looked at Hoseok, a quiet understanding flowing between them."You've been bottling this up for that long?" Hoseok couldn't restrain himself from asking.Taehyung shrugged and stared back at the floor. "I think I knew, but I was still trying to figure out if rape was even the appropriate word... I just knew that if your partner was hurting you in any way, I didn't want you to feel like you had to go through those feelings alone... like I had."Hoseok reached out a hand to Taehyung. Taehyung graciously accepted the warm gesture."You are not alone."Hoseok turned to Seokjin and extended his other hand to him."I hope you know you are not alone either."Seokjin heaved a heavy sigh, and clasped Hoseok's hand. "I know that now," Seokjin said, eyes glazed with tears that he still couldn't allow himself to shed.Namjoon sat back in his chair, watching. He had never seen a group pull together like this before to help one another. They each felt their own pain, had their own problems, but they would put those aside to allow room for each other to open up in their own time. An emotion was welling up inside him and he was having difficulty trying to put a name to it. The sensations this emotion was giving him felt uncomfortable as he sat in front of this group he was meant to lead. It started in his chest, a swelling feeling, like his heart was suddenly too big for his chest. The sensation rose up to his throat, threatening to choke him. It continued up to his face, feeling his skin burn as if the sun was shining brightly on him for too long.When he focused back on the room, Namjoon realized the group was now looking at him. They weren't staring, but quietly observing him and looking for direction on how to continue the session.Namjoon cleared his throat. "I think we have made some good progress for now. We should take a break, recoup, and come back and finish the lesson."A few members filtered out of the room before Namjoon picked himself out of his chair. He walked back to his office, careful not to rush his steps. When he finally entered his office, all of the careful composure he cloaked himself in collapsed when the door closed.He leaned against the office door and slid down to the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees. Namjoon unleashed his emotion in the form of quiet sobs against his arms. As he wept, the tightness in his chest lessened to a dull ache. The lump in his throat was replaced with a slight restriction as he struggled to keep his crying quiet, not wanting anyone to overhear. His face still burned, but it was only from the heat of his tears.Namjoon leaned his head back against the door as his body began to relax. The intense unnamed emotion began to subside as his head cleared enough to find the name of that emotion. He wiped the tears away with the heel of his hand and smiled.The emotion was happiness.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Namjoon entered the group therapy meeting room to find it completely empty.Confused, he turned and looked at the clock on the TV. The time was 6:00PM, time for his IOP meeting to start. He sat his messenger bag on his desk, paused, and rechecked the TV screen to view the date. It was indeed the correct date and time, but none of the six members were in the room.Namjoon felt a sinking feeling in his stomach and his thoughts began to churn, one bubbling over the next.
'Did I not make it clear that there was more to learn today?'
'Did I say something wrong at our last session?'
'Did they think I wasn't a good counselor?'
The sinking feeling turned into knots as the last thought played in his mind several times. Each replay louder than the next. Lost in thought, he didn't hear the footsteps come up behind him. It took a soft tap on his shoulder to startle him out of this intrusive thoughts. Reflexively, he gasped and his shoulders shot up to his ears. Turning around, he saw Seokjin, Hoseok, Yoongi, and Jimin standing in the room near the doorway.The anxiety in Namjoon's stomach was replaced with a shameful warmth to his cheeks.Namjoon blurted, "I thought you all weren't going to come today..."The four looked at each other quizzically."You're kidding, right?" Hoseok asked, face twisted in confusion."We wouldn't miss our last day with you," Jimin followed, giving a smile so big that his cheeks swallowed his eyes.The four parted to reveal Jungkook and Taehyung walking carefully through the doorway together precariously balancing a small cake on top of a box."Surprise!" The six said in unison.Namjoon's brain stopped functioning for a moment. He checked the date again on the TV to be sure, but he confirmed it definitely wasn't his birthday. His brows furrowed deeply in confusion and he pouted."W-What is this? It's not my birthday," Namjoon stuttered. The cake now in close view, he was able to see it was decorated with simple white frosting and pieces of sliced fruit rimming the edge of the top. In the center, "Thank You!" was written in chocolate piping.Namjoon said nothing, still unable to comprehend what the cake in front of him meant."It's our last day of group therapy together and... we..." Jungkook began to speak, but panicked when all eyes turned to him. He looked at Taehyung for help finishing his sentence."We wanted to thank you for everything," Taehyung finished."You helped us all a lot and... while it isn't much, we wanted to show you how grateful we are for these past eight weeks with you," Seokjin said.Jungkook and Taehyung handed Namjoon the cake. He stared down at it, his vision becoming blurry."Thank you," Namjoon said, taking a moment to look at each of their faces. "Thank you... You have been a very special group and it's been incredible working with all of you.""I bet you say that to all your groups," Yoongi said, exposing a smile that showed more gums than teeth.Namjoon let out a sharp bark of laughter and tilted his head upwards, trying to keep tears from falling. One slipped out and made a wet trail down his cheek."See what you did Yoongi, you made him cry!" Jimin said, rushing to Namjoon to take the cake and sit it on the desk.With his hands free, Namjoon wiped his face hurriedly. "No, no, no... I just... I've never had a group come together like this and... It's just a very special thing to have experienced."Taehyung whispered something in Jungkook's ear and his large doe eyes went wider for a second. He then ran into the hall to retrieve his backpack. After a moment of rummaging, Jungkook pulled out a card and handed it to Namjoon."It's just a little card we all signed. You can read it later." Jungkook said. He stepped next to Taehyung near the back of the group after handing Namjoon the envelope. Namjoon stared at the envelope for a moment, before sitting it on the table unopened."If you all want to take a seat, I'll go grab some plates and we can cut this cake!" Namjoon said, offering the widest smile any of the members had seen from him before.The cake was cut and passed around and everyone ate as the last session carried on as any other session would. Diary cards were read with mostly moderate to low numbers reported for each member. During break, everyone spent the time talking about what they were going to do with the extra free time each week now that therapy was ending. Seokjin had convinced his mother and brother to go to grief counseling with him as a family. Hoseok decided he was going to join a dance team, hoping it would help boost his self-esteem and allow him to meet new people. Yoongi had started a regular medication program to help with his cycles of depression and had scheduled to meet with a counselor once a week to monitor his progress. Jimin had already lined up a retreat focused to help those struggling with eating disorders to help heal his relationship with food. Taehyung had taken up painting as a way to release the lingering feelings about his failed marriage. Jungkook shocked the room by announcing that he had drummed up enough courage to ask someone out on a date and they accepted. As a rousing cheer erupted from the room, Namjoon noticed Taehyung and Jungkook make the briefest eye contact. He would have passed it off as nothing more as friends being happy for each other, but the large smiles glued to their faces were louder than the cheers.After the talk had settled, cake was eaten, and break time was over, Namjoon silently commanded the attention of everyone in the room by standing up. He held a small black bag in his hands."At the end of IOP, it's customary for the counselors to give a a small gift, a memento, to remind you of your time spent in IOP. It's a symbol of all the things you have learned." Namjoon walked to the left side of the room nearest the door and began with the first person seated there."Seokjin," Namjoon reached into the bag and let his hand settle there as he spoke. "You came into this room masking pain and guilt with jokes and self-confidence. You've come so far in being able to accept events in your life that were unfortunate and out of your control. I can see now that your confidence and jokes are no longer hiding the pain. They are becoming genuine moments of happiness. Congratulations on completing the Intensive Outpatient Program."Namjoon's hand exited the bag and held it out for Seokjin. When Seokjin extended his hand, Namjoon pressed something small and hard into the palm of his hand. Seokjin opened it to find a small gold medallion. In the center of the medallion was a simple line drawing of a heart engraved into the surface along with a phrase around the edge of the coin. Seokjin rotated the medallion to read the inscription.
I am my own salvation.
Seokjin's ears and neck flushed a deep red and his eyes watered. "Thank you," he managed to say out of a throat strained from holding back tears.Namjoon nodded and walked to the next person."Hoseok... I will never forget the very first day you walked into this room. You gave me a smile so bright I thought I might have gotten a sunburn." Hoseok covered his mouth and laughed loudly into is hand. "Somehow, you managed to keep that radiant energy, even through the hardships you were facing. I think this energy helped you in improving your situation in a very short eight weeks. Whenever I think of the word 'hope', I think of you. I hope you continue to radiate that energy to everyone you meet and that you always keep smiling. Congratulations on completing the Intensive Outpatient Program."Namjoon handed Hoseok a medallion and moved to the next person. Hoseok looked over the medallion and clasped it firmly in his palm, a smile spreading across his lips despite the pressure behind his eyes."Jimin... When you first came here, you were always the first to step up to help someone. Always there to listen to everyone else, but afraid to open up yourself. You learned a lot of things, but above all else, you learned it's okay to fall down when you are learning to walk that path of self-healing. You know that the people who rise up from those falls are stronger than they were before. Even if you find yourself stumbling along that road again, you know you have the skills you learned in IOP and friends to help you back to your feet again. Congratulations on completing the Intensive Outpatient Program."When Namjoon handed out the medallion to Jimin, he held onto Namjoon's hand for a long moment and said, "Thank you..."Jimin looked up into Namjoon's eyes. Namjoon felt like his heart was being squeezed in a tight hug as he felt Jimin's eyes staring deep into him. It was a comforting and warm feeling."For everything..." Jimin finished, letting go of Namjoon's hand and lowering his eyes, breaking the intense connection."Yoongi..." Namjoon said, walking to the next seat over. "You used anger as a defense mechanism to hide the deep well of sadness inside you. While your journey will have steep hills and sloping valleys, you have come such a long way from the frustrated man I saw in front of me eight weeks ago. I watched you develop friendships and allow yourself to be vulnerable in font of them. You have even learned how to talk about that overwhelming sadness you feel and I am so proud of you for continuing to work on yourself through therapy. Congratulations on completing the Intensive Outpatient Program..."As Yoongi reached out to receive his completion medallion, Namjoon spoke one last thing."I am so glad that you are alive to receive this medal, Yoongi."Not expecting those words, Yoongi was overcome with emotion. He covered his mouth as tears freely flowed down his cheeks. Jimin reached over to give his knee a small squeeze of comfort and reassurance. Namjoon smiled, handed Yoongi his medallion, and continued on, not wanting to embarrass Yoongi by making a fuss over his tears. If Yoongi needed to cry, then he should be allowed to cry."Taehyung, you have worked so hard in managing your panic attacks and come to terms with the end of your marriage. In just eight weeks, we watched you grow from someone unable to catch their breath to someone who took our breath away with your strength. You are one of only several people I have seen pick up IOP skills so quickly. You are on your way to healing and becoming a braver and stronger person. Congratulations on completing the Intensive Outpatient Program." Namjoon handed Taehyung his medallion."Thank you..." Taehyung muttered, softly. He turned the medallion over in his hands and used his index finger to trace the heart and the words etched into the metal warmed by Namjoon's hand.Namjoon pulled the last medallion out of his bag and stood in front of Jungkook. He sighed heavily, knowing that once he passed this medallion to Jungkook, the session would be over. Namjoon wanted to prolong the moment as long as possible, but after a couple of moments, Jungkook reached out his hand and placed it on top of Namjoon's.When they made eye contact, Jungkook nodded in silent understanding, his eyes bright and shining with stars."It's okay," Jungkook said quietly, placing his hands back in his lap.Namjoon took a deep breath to compose himself before speaking. "I am so proud of you Jungkook. Eight weeks ago, you would barely make eye contact with anyone in the room. Today? You spoke about your dreams and a new relationship. I have never seen someone change so much in such a short amount of time during IOP. Not only are you more confident in yourself, but you reach out to people now. You speak up for what you want in your life..." Namjoon paused, feeling the weight of the next sentence already before it left his lips. "Congratulations on completing the Intensive Outpatient Program."The medallion passed from Namjoon's hands to Jungkook's open palms. "Thank you, Namjoon," Jungkook said, galaxies dancing in his eyes as he stared up at his mentor.Not trusting his voice, Namjoon nodded. He bit his lip and stepped back to survey everyone in their chairs. Namjoon made a mental snapshot of the group and each of their faces in that moment. They all had various expressions of grief or relief on their faces. Eight weeks is just enough time for it to hurt when it was all over. Namjoon thought he would be used to good-byes by now, but this one was harder than the rest.Composed enough, Namjoon ended the session by saying, "Thank you all for attending the Intensive Outpatient Therapy Program. Please remember that refresher sessions are available if you need additional help with a skill or you find yourself slipping back into old habits... You are dismissed."First to exit was Hoseok, he gave Namjoon one last bright smile before stepping out into the hallway. Yoongi followed him out. His eyes were tinted red, but he also managed one last small smile and a wave before leaving. Jungkook's doe-eyes were still sparkling unnaturally as he looked at Namjoon and said his good-bye, giving him one last large-toothed smile before disappearing out the door.Seokjin shook Namjoon's hand as he was leaving and said, "I hope to never have to see you again."Namjoon couldn't help himself from laughing. "Likewise..." Namjoon said, keeping in line with Seokjin's humor. He clapped Seokjin on one of his broad shoulders. "But seriously, if you need a follow up session, my door is always open."Seokjin nodded and smiled, glad he was able to lift a little bit of the sorrow from Namjoon. He left the room with one last wave of his hand.Taehyung smiled, and nodded at Namjoon before slowly exiting the doorway. Less than a half-second later, his head popped back into the room."Thank you, Namjoon. I will never forget what you have done for me," Taehyung said, and then he was gone again, not waiting for a response.Last to leave was Jimin. He cautiously walked up to Namjoon and opened his arms invitingly. They embraced in a tight hug for a few heartbeats and then broke away. Jimin had tears on his cheeks, but he was smiling."Are you okay?" Namjoon asked, tilting his head to the side.Jimin threw his head back, clutching his chest in a hearty laugh. Namjoon smiled, puzzled at the reaction. He waited patiently for Jimin's laughs to calm down.Wiping tears off of his cheeks with his the long sleeves of his shirt, Jimin explained, "It's just so funny that I'm going to say this, but... for the first time in my life, I'm not lying when I tell you this... Really..."Jimin took a deep breath and sighed, "I'm fine."