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"Captains log, Stardate 2264.3. It has been twenty-two hours since we returned from the planet Alpha 32-1. Our exploration of the planet has found it, as of yet, barren of any humanoid species. We encountered several predatory animals, which claimed the lives of three crew members. Vruna Tebars, Tui Nebanda, and Merit Brunner. They will be mourned by the crew. On the planet's surface, we also discovered a species of flora, now named the Sneedo Plant, which excreted a strange liquid onto our landing party as a form of defence. So far no one has been affected by this."Breathing out a sigh, Jim turned off the recorder and let himself relax into his Captains chair, weary from the encounter and death of his crew members. It was always hard, losing them. It was a risk they all agreed to, he knew, but it was his job to try an prevent it from happening.He always tried to remember their names, so they weren't forgotten.Remembering he was still on duty, he straightened up, ready to address the bridge and crew. It was high time they all had some rest. He opened up a shipwide communication. "This is the Captain speaking. I'd like to commend you all on your service these last few weeks. You have all expressed extraordinary strength in the face of adversity, and for that, I think its time we all had a break. You deserve it. In three earth days, we will be arriving at a nearby planet for shore leave. Kirk out."
Three days would be enough to determine if the 'sneedo' plant had any late occurring effects on its victims. So far nothing seemed amiss with anyone. Bones was still, well, Bones. Uhura was still as diligent and strong-minded as ever, Chekov was still eager and ready to take on anything, and Spock was always ready to ground him with logic and sensibility.
He turned in his chair to where he knew his First Officer would be, "what do you think, Spock? Some shore leave might do us some good."
His first officer raised a deliberate brow. "I think you are an illogical and unequivocally unobservant idiot of a Captain that is completely incapable of rational thought.”
Right then…
The bridge turned their heads to the Science Officer, all bearing the same stunned expression.
Jim stared, speechless, trying to decide whether he should react like a Captain, or like a friend. Under normal circumstances, he knew Spock would react better to direct orders. This was definitely not normal circumstances. Ignoring protocol, and probably proving Spock's comment right, he chose to be a friend. "Spock, is something …wrong?”
Spock took a purposeful step forward. "Yes, something ‘is wrong’ as you say, Captain. The pollens properties is causing an adverse reaction to myself, my home planet is destroyed, my species endangered, and less than 23 minutes ago you made a cruel jape at my ears: an aspect of myself I am highly sensitive about due to your repetitive critique."
"Spock, I didn't realise you felt-"
"Yes, I felt, Captain, which you fail to realise, always. Just as you fail at realising my affec-" Spock froze, mouth agape.
”Spock?”
Spock straightened, hands folding neatly behind his back. “ I apologise for my behaviour,Captain; it is unacceptable for a First Officer. May I be dismissed from the bridge?"
Bewildered, it took Jim a moment to process the question, "Uh, okay. Yeah, relieved. Just stop by Bones as you go, all right?"
"Understood, Captain," and with that, Spock turned on his heel and made for the turbo-lift, leaving Kirk and the bridge utterly confused, and overwhelmingly worried.
Spock made a direct beeline towards the med-bay, concerned by his own behaviour. Back on the bridge, he had meant to say, 'I believe shore leave will greatly benefit the crew's morale,' but instead he said quite a lot more. Though, curiously, what he had said to Kirk had been exactly what he had attempted to suppress in that moment.
Fascinating.
He theorised that the 'sneeze' of the Sneedo Plant was the cause for his lapse. It appeared to not be affect the rest of the landing party, likely due to their human origin. Where they were naturally impulsive and honest in their reactions, Vulcans were controlled and logical. Perhaps the plant was causing his Vulcan side to react and display all his human half was thinking and feeling? Perhaps… a stretch.
Unfortunetly it was his only theory as of yet.
The doors to the med bay opened with a hiss, giving sight to Leonard McCoy, hypo in hand. Spock entered the room, hands folded behind his back. He held back as much emotion as he could. I will not be emotionally compromised; I will not.
"What's the problem, hobgoblin?" Bones asked, brow furrowed.
He burst into tears.
Bones' eyebrows rose to his hair, “I think I found the problem."
Spock sniffed, letting the doctor guide him to the bio-bed. "How observant of you, Doctor."
"Alright, take it easy," Mcoy said, beginning to scan him. “I think it's probably that plant thing that’s made you like this?"
“Really doctor, I never would have guessed.”
Leonard McCoy, a professional doctor and friend, was not used to seeing the Vulcan show any emotion other than light sass, and was moderately concerned that Spock was temporarily insane. He watched in mild curiosity at Spock's rare display of unguarded emotion. He wondered if Jim had said something. He did seem to be one of the only people able to get the Vulcan to show any form of emotion. He supposed that when the ingested substance left his system, Spock would return to normal. He said as much to the Vulcan.
Spock seemed to consider this for a moment, before sighing. He straightened his back and rose to a stand. "If there is nothing you can do to reduce the effects, may I retire to my quarters now, Doctor?"
"Yeah, okay. There isn't much I can do for you medically, except advise you to get some rest and talk to somebody if you need to."
Spock nodded and exited the med bay.
Jim twirled a chess piece in his fingers, concerned. Spock had the whole crew terrified, that much he knew. Those who didn't know him feared there was something seriously wrong with their apparently emotionless second in command. Those who knew him best knew that Spock was probably one of the most emotional members of the crew, but also one of the most controlled, and so they felt fear for the thing that had caused Spock to lose that control. Other than that, there was a small amount of curiosity, and even humour, at Spock's sudden emotional outbursts.
It had been going on for about two days since they discovered it, a bit longer than anyone had expected. Over those two days, stories of the crew's encounters with 'emotional-Spock' soon circulated around the ship, and eventually to his ears as well. He would have to admit, some were quite funny. Many seemed to have witnessed, or fallen victim to Spock calling crew members 'illogical idiots', or 'idiotic tribbles.' He was even rumoured to have been seen crying over a PADD, sobbing mathematical equations to himself. No longer was Spock's emotions hidden behind apparent control. It was out there for everyone to see.
He hadn't personally had a conversation with Spock beyond exchanges on the bridge, and he felt he was well overdue to have a proper ‘heart to heart’, with shore leave so rapidly approaching. He owed his friend an apology. He knew better than most that Spock could lose control and show raw emotion. Though sometimes it was easy to forget that behind those pointed eyebrows and composed demeanour was a being that did take offence, and wasn't immune to emotional overload.
He felt Spock was right, to be honest. He was an illogical and unobservant idiot. Spock never really let on about how all that stuff was bothering him, but of course, it was. How could it not be? He felt like such an idiot.
There was one other thing that was bothering him though. Does Spock actually think I don't accept him? The thought was a chilling one. He always had kind of thought his acceptance of his friend was obvious, and that Spock knew as such. He had to know that, didn't he?
Not knowing what else to do, Kirk picked up his receiver. "Hey, Spock?"
"Yes, Captain?" a controlled voice answered.
Maybe it's worn off? "Can you meet me in my quarters? There is something I want to talk to you about."
"As you wish, Captain."
"Thanks, Spock." He closed the receiver and waited. Maybe we could play chess? That would take away from some of the awkwardness. He put the chess piece he had been fiddling with back in its place on the third layer.
Not too much later, his ears were greeted with the sound of the door sliding open and shut again.
Spock stood tall and composed, hands clasped behind his back. "You wished to see me, Captain?"
He moved a chair out from under the desk for Spock, who took it without question. "Yeah, something's been on my mind lately."
Spock reached out with his fingers, "I could perform a mind meld, if it would help ease your mind, Captain."
He waved his hand, smiling. "That won't be necessary, Spock. You seem well, have the effects of the Sneedo plant worn off?"
"It appears to be so."
He nodded, "Okay, that's um- "
"I apologise for my behaviour of late, captain, and for disrupting the crew. If that is all, I have duties to return to," Spock said, a hint of dismissiveness in his voice.
He sighed. “No, that's not what this is about Spock, it's about something you said when you were affected by the Sneedo Plant."
Spock visibly tensed, straitening his spine, "Captain, if I said something that upset you, I apologise."
Dejected, he shook his head. "No, you didn't. But I believe I said, and did, some things that upset you. Before the Sneedo thing."
"Jim-"
He shushed him, "I want to apologise. I didn't think about all that stuff I said about your ears. I know I should have, just like I should have noticed that it upset you." He smiled, "I actually really like your ears."
Spock raised an eyebrow, "truly, Captain?"
He laughed, "don't get ahead of yourself Spock."
Spock looked down.
Shit, I did it again! "Sorry, that was a bad joke."
"You are forgiven."
He nodded, wondering what he did to deserve such a forgiving friend. "Truth is Spock, I just wanted to tell you that I do accept you. Truly." He placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "You're my friend, Spock. My best friend. I couldn't imagine being on this ship without you."
Or in this universe, really.
Spock didn't react for a second or two, then finally, he offered a hint of a smile. "Thank you, Jim," he paused for a moment, "you too, are my closest and most trusted friend."
Jim smiled, "chess?"
"Of course, Jim."
Sometime later, back in the med bay, Leonard McCoy spat out his coffee onto a smug Spock. "He said who was his best friend?!"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
His crew had needed that shore leave. Desperately. It had almost been a complete success. The moment they had beamed down to the planet you could practically feel the relaxation seeping into them from the very air. Even Spock looked relaxed, which was something, considering the events of the last few days.It had been exactly two days since shore leave ended, and over a week and a half since the incident with the plant. During that time, and to the casual observer, Spock seemed to have made a full recovery.
Kirk was not a casual observer.
There was something …off. Spock seemed normal. Mostly. He was logical and composed; his speech precise and proficient. Yet, he was anything but normal. There seemed to be ...side effects. Side effects of the side effects?
The first hint was probably when Spock had declined the option to accompany him and Bones to a night out at a local bar. Obviously, that wasn't what was out of the ordinary or even strange. But the fact that when they eventually turned up and found that Spock was already there, drunk like a sailor and engaged in what Kirk could only describe as a scientific based dance-off, was indeed a little bit odd.
Spock had of course profusely apologised once he had gathered himself, as he had several days ago in the rec room. Of course that was only after Jim spent the better half of the morning crouched next to his friend, rubbing his back as he emptied the contents of his stomach into a waste extraction unit. Apparently it was his first hangover. Based on the colour of green that Spock was shaded for the rest of the day, Jim had to agree.
He had thought all of it was just a last rebound of the effects the Sneedo Plant, destined to wear off once and for all. A withdrawal type thing. Spock had agreed, firmly stating that he believed the effects would be gone by the next day after a period of meditation.
They weren't.
Of course, Spock did his best to hide them over the remainder of shore leave, and the last two days they had been back on the ship. But Jim could see that he was indeed hiding them.
He wouldn't have noticed, had he not spent so much time trying to decipher Spock's poker face day after day on their ongoing mission. At this point, he knew how to decipher his friend's facial patterns down to the most minute movement. Which is how he knew something was defiantly still very wrong.
It was the little things. An eyebrow raised too high; his lips curled upwards too obviously. His brow furrowed too angrily. Or even worse, no hint of emotion at all, and Spock seemed absolutely determined to keep it that way.
Much to his confusion, no one was reporting any instance of unusual behaviour from Spock. No outbursts. No odd expressions or words. Nothing.
So there he found himself again, sat in his Captain's chair. He was ever aware of Spock's presence behind him. He wondered if the Vulcan was going to react to being addressed as he had that day on the bridge.
He wasn't sure why Spock seemed so determined to hide his emotions from him. Maybe he thinks I'm going to determine him unfit for duty? That would be a bit harsh, even if Spock wouldn't think so. He wasn't exactly falling in his performance, and a bit of emotional display wouldn't hurt anyone, as long as it didn't turn into what happened last time. The only concern he had was that Spock was going to tire himself out from trying so hard to hide his symptoms. It had to be exhausting, on top of his normal amount of self-control he tried so hard to maintain. If Spock did grow tired, and his performance was compromised, he would have no choice but to determine his First Officer temporarily unfit for duty.
He rubbed his temples, trying to decide what to say to his friend. He had to say something. Straightening himself, he spun his chair around.
He felt the breath knocked out him.
Never in a million years, would he ever guessed to see what he saw now.
Spock, resting his whole body casually on top of the second level railing, right behind his chair and under his very nose.
His jaw dropped.
He had never seen Spock look so relaxed. He was lying on his stomach, propped up by his elbows. One hand was resting under his chin in thought, and the other holding the PADD from which he was reading. Even his legs were crossed casually. He seemed totally oblivious to his surroundings.
Funnily enough, no one else seemed to have noticed.
And Jim was nothing less than fixated.
Coming back to himself, he cleared his throat, "Mr Spock?"
It was like he had set off a bomb.
Spock all but jumped out of his skin, tumbling gracelessly from the railing in a tangle of long limbs, landing with a solid crash on the floor below.
Not a second later, he sprung up from where he had disappeared behind the Captain's chair.
The whole bridge was looking now, trying to determine the source of the sudden crash. To Jim's utter disbelief, they couldn't seem to find it. Spock had somehow dusted himself off, straightened his shirt, folded his hands behind his back, and feigned complete composure. All the while, an obviously broken PADD laid shattered at his feet. All without the crew noticing.
He shook his head, mouth still agape, "what the hell was that?" he blurted, forgetting his captaincy.
Spock raised an eyebrow, "I apologise, Captain. I merely let the PADD slip from my hands in a momentary lapse. It will not happen again. With your permission I will take the PADD to engineering?"
"Granted," Kirk nodded, feeling a flash of Déjà vu, "stop by Dr McCoy on your way back, will you?"
Spock nodded before briskly leaving the Bridge, leaving Kirk utterly perplexed. It was Déjà vu alright.
Jim shook his head, turning his chair back around so he could see the rest of his crew, "are you all seriously going to tell me that none of you saw what just happened?"
He did not miss the small hints of smiles that crept onto Sulu and Chekov's faces. He frowned, turning to his right, "Uhura?"
She stared nonchalantly back at him, a smile hidden in her eyes, "see what, Captain?"
Not to Jim's surprise, Spock's unusual behaviour continued on over the week. Once, Spock had even laughed lightly at a joke he said, rather than raise one incredulous eyebrow. It was rather unnerving. It was also becoming a pattern. Spock would do something unpredictable, he would send him off to sickbay, then latter chat about it.
He didn't want it to continue. He could see how Spock's attempts at control were draining him. It was as if he was trying to keep back a tidal wave with a paper-mâché wall. It just wasn't going to last. Already his performance was slipping. Not enough to be detrimental to the functionality of the ship, but enough for Jim to be worried about the functionality of Spock. Sometimes he took a second longer to respond to a situation, or a few minutes longer to complete a report (even if he was still hours early.) He looked tired too, like he hadn't been sleeping. It worried Jim, greatly.
He wanted his First Officer back. Needed him. Stable and logical. As much as it pained him that he might need to warn Spock about what might happen if his fatigue continued, as his Captain he did need to warn him.
They met in his quarters this time. He hoped it would make the situation less 'captain-e'. He looked his friend in the eye, "Spock, we need to talk."
Spock remained still, showing no reaction, "I gathered."
This time Jim raised an eyebrow, "I'm concerned that the Sneedo Plant is still affecting you, Spock. You're still acting strange. Not to mention your performance is decreasing." He sighed, shaking his head. He just needed to be straight with his friend. "Look, Spock. I can see you're tired. I know the Sneedo Plant is making it harder for you to control your emotions, so maybe if you-"
"This goes beyond the Sneedo Plant, Jim."
He frowned, confused. "It does?"
Spock fidgeted, "yes. It is something else that troubles me."
"Spock, you were using the railing as your personal couch," he said, as if it explained everything.
Spock blinked, but other than that he didn't move a muscle. "I do that quite frequently, Captain. You have just failed to notice."
He what now?
He shook himself off, saving that for another time. "It's Jim, Spock. If it's not the plant, what is it?"
"Do you recall the last thing I said when I was first affected?"
Jim winced at the memory, "something about me making fun of your ears?" he asked tentatively. Why had he done that? He loved Spock's ears. A wave of guilt washed over him.
Spock gave him a look, "after that, Jim."
Looking away, he thought back to the moment, thinking more deeply. "You were worried that I didn't accept you-" Frowning, he looked back to his friend. "Spock I already told you that you are my best friend. If I haven't shown that then-"
Spock's eyes flicked away from him for a fraction of a second, "that is not what I meant, Jim."
"Then what-" he looked at his friend carefully, "what do you mean, Spock?"
Spock swallowed, looking away from Jim, the tips of his ears flushing green. "Jim, I think of you as my t'hy'la. "
He frowned, "what does taha- tee high-"
"T'hy'la, Jim."
"T'hy'la." He rolled the word over his tongue. He liked how it sounded. And felt? "What does it mean?" he asked curiously.
Finally, Spock looked back up, his eyes filled with deep emotion.
Jim frowned at the sight, confused.
Then he thought. Then he felt.
And then finally, he understood.
Somehow they had ended up the ship's bar. He had needed a drink. He certainly wasn't going to let Spock have one though. He did not want to deal with drunk Spock again. Ever. Though, being able to look after hungover Spock had been nice. Other than the vomiting.
He took a sip of his whiskey, so he might dare to ask the questions that were on his mind. "Is this why you broke things up with Uhura?"
"We parted ways mutually. But to answer your question, yes," he paused, and Kirk didn't miss how his eyes flickered to the whiskey for a fraction of a second. "Uhura and I had been growing apart for many months. We had been together for many years and there was no sign of a T'hy'la bond between us. However, at the same time I was becoming aware of my growing affection for-" Spock stopped short, as if only now realising what he was saying.
"It's alright, Spock, he said quietly, and against his better judgement he let the tips of his fingers come to rest over one of Spock's hands. He smiled reassuringly, "you haven't scared me off yet."
Spock didn’t seem to appreciate the sentiment at first, his expression unreadable, but he didn't pull his hand away. Instead, he eventually adjusted his hand so it was encasing Jim's own.
Jim thought that was probably a good sign. "Does Uhura know?"
"She is aware. It was the reason for the ending of our relationship. In truth, I think she became aware of my changing attentions far before I myself did. She was quite understanding, and I am grateful that we have remained friends." The corner of Spock's mouth twitched upwards, "she has in fact been quite determined to convince me to 'make a move.'"
Kirk chuckled fondly, "of course she has."
Spock spared a casual glance down at their hands, "it seems you 'beat me to it', Captain."
For a moment, all Kirk could think about was how many proverbs Spock was using as of late, then he suddenly became increasingly aware of how significant hand touching was to Vulcans. He looked down at their hands, blushing deeply, though not out of embarrassment. It was just …new.
He hadn't even really been aware that he had those kinds of feelings for Spock a few hours ago. But now that he was aware, he realised how deeply those feeling actually ran through him; how important his First Officer actually was to him.
Spock was right, he really was an unobservant idiot.
With a start, he realised that he was yet to respond to Spock's comment, and had probably gone silent for several moments. Worse still, Spock's expression had grown anxious, and he could feel him trying to withdraw his hand.
He held on tighter, giving his warmest smile, "it seems I have."
One Month Later.
Bones didn't have the slightest clue why he was on the bridge. Chekov had informed him that he was to come as soon as the next cycle began, and everyone was resuming their duty for the day. Apparently he had to see something 'ov great importance.'
Nothing ‘of great importance’ had happened yet, and he was becoming frustrated. Almost everybody had arrived on the bridge, and there had been no medical emergencies, no intergalactic space hand that had ceased the ship. Nothing. Even Jim was being boring, his eyes glued to a bunch of files he was reading through. Yet, every time he tried to leave, Chekov begged him to stay until Spock's shift began.
Counting on Spock being as punctual as ever, that time would be forty seconds away.
It took thirty-five.
McCoy watched as Spock began making his way to his station on the bridge, pausing very briefly at Jim's side. "Good morning, Ashayam," he greeted warmly, meeting Kirks two already outstretched fingers in a Vulcan kiss.
Jim looked up from his files, and Bones saw that he was positively glowing. Not a moment later, he had given Spock a tender, and very human kiss. "Morning, Spock."
Bones eyes nearly fell out of their sockets.
“When did this happen!?”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Jim knew, in many ways, that he was quite different from Mr Spock. His first officer, friend, and T'hy'la. Where he was bold and energetic, Spock was cerebral and calm. They were like Earth's sun and moon. One, a force of pure energy, chaotic and bright; the other serene and cool, renowned for its image of mystery. Yet, like the heart and brain, one could not be without the other. Both were needed for the continuation of life.Now, he would never be so full of himself to claim that he was the sole reason for the Enterprises' survival, and nor would Spock, but the analogies still held. They were essentially each other's polar-opposites, but he firmly believed that was made them work so well together. Spock calmed his spirit, and he ignited Spock's.Sighing, he rolled over in his otherwise empty bed. God, he was getting cheezy. He couldn't believe what romance had done to him.Their ever-developing relationship had proved quite the topic of gossip on board the ship. They hadn't ever officially revealed anything to the crew. No special announcements to the bridge or over the comm. No surprise meeting that disguised a celebration. Spock would never have approved anyway. No logic in it. Mostly because the crew, except Bones who until recently had believed the crew had all gone mad, seemed to have figured it out the day they did. No one had made much effort to disguise their knowledge.Hence the gossip.Quite literally the first time they both set foot on the bridge after their late night conversation, it had begun. At first, it had just been knowing stares or comical eyebrow wiggles between crew members whenever he and Spock were within a few feet of each other. Then soon it had turned into an outright betting pool hosted by Checkov that was based on speculating when they thought he or Spock would let on to them.After about two weeks or so, Spock and he decided the only way to stop it all was to just give up on trying to hide it all. So, despite Spock's original protests that it was not professional or appropriate, they had begun to engage in small displays of public affection. Spock had firmly stated that this was only to include standing a half foot closer to each other than usual, permission to smile at him more obviously, and to maintain eye contact .4 seconds longer than what was typically regarded as platonic.He gave up on that after about three days.All it took was for Spock to stand a tad closer than usual to his captain's chair; his hands a little to neatly folded behind his back, for Jim to snap. Before he could stop himself, he had found himself reaching out for one of his first officer's hands, holding it gently in his as if it were nothing out of the ordinary.Spock had nearly fainted.Now it was just a part of their morning routine. Without the near fainting of course.They never actually saw each other that much in the morning until they arrived on the bridge. Occasionally they would bump into each other in their shared bathroom, but it was a rare occurrence as Spock often rose earlier than he did. Other than that, they had to save their morning hello's for when they were in public, which had made their greetings quite phlegmatic.Come to think of it, that's probably why he had snapped in the first place.They hadn't applied for joint quarters yet, Spock still opting to remain in their private quarters, linked together with the shared bathroom. Jim respected that; Vulcan customs demanded that they take things slow. Plus, Spock's quarters were climatised to suit Vulcan physiology, and his own was not. In other words, Spock's room was warmer than his.He stared at their linking door now, wondering if Spock was asleep yet. It had been a trying day, and the Enterprise was throwing one system issue at them after the other. Scotty's hands were still full with problems, and nobody knew the ship as he did. Those problems were still yet to be resolved. The climate settings, for instance, had gone off earlier in the afternoon. If they didn't fix it soon, the whole 'being in freezing space thing’ would surely kill them. Fortunately, they still had about 48 hours of emergency power that was being directed to ‘heating’. It was still bloody cold. He'd wanted to stay on the bridge, just in case, but Bones had ordered him to take bed-rest. On top of that, the climate problem had nearly driven the whole crew to near collapse, even Spock. Come to think of it though, Spock had seemed beyond tired the last few days, spending the vast majority of his free time meditating in the solace of his quarters.Jim missed his company.Pulling the covers up over his shoulder, Kirk turned away from the door, preparing for a night of cold temperatures and discomfort.It was then that he heard the familiar whooshing sound of the bathroom door opening.A moment later, a new set of covers was methodically laid on top of his own, adding an obvious new layer of warmth and weight to the bed. Before he could ask what the hell Spock was up to, the covers were being pulled back and the side of the bed dipped. He couldn't help but smile when he felt Spock lie down beside him, bringing the covers back over them both.It didn't take long for him to notice how much Spock was shivering. "Cold?" he asked."I thought it logical to attempt to share body warmth as it is unlikely that climate control will be restored in the next 7 to 8 hours," Spock replied, voice muffled."So you were cold."Spock wrapped an arm around him, "hmm."He chuckled, finding Spock's hand and holding it in his own, "get comfortable then."Spock didn't need any more encouragement, and Jim let himself be pulled closer to Spock's chest. Kirk had to admit, there was some logic to 'sharing body warmth'. He felt almost immediately warmer, and after a while Spock's shivering also ceased, his muscles relaxing. Though Jim knew he wasn't asleep, a testament to what he had already suspected. Something was troubling Spock's mind. He just hoped that Spock wasn't having any second thoughts, for the last time Spock had been acting this way it had been about the dynamics of their relationship.As if sensing his fears, which he probably did, Spock tightened his arm around him and pressed a chaste kiss to the back of his neck, sending a surge of warmth to his heart. "You are not the cause of my lapse, Jim. Do not fear."Jim stared at the wall ahead of him, its blankness leaving all sorts of room for his imagination to conjure ideas about the expression that might be on Spock's face. "Then what is, Spock? We've barely spoken these last few days."Spock did not immediately reply, instead becoming still behind him, which did nothing to help stifle the anxiety growing within. "Spock?" he asked, running his thumb over the back of Spock's hand. Spock was a touch-telepath and his T'hy'la, and though Spock was undoubtedly already able to feel his thoughts because of this, a little more contact couldn't hurt. He wanted Spock to feel what he was feeling. Know that he would stand by him regardless."It is not something I should speak of."Jim let go of Spock's hand, turning over to face him. Almost immediately, Spock replaced his arm so it was once more wrapped around him. This time Jim returned the favour, drawing Spock close again, "you can tell me. I'm sure its nothing I can't handle.""You fail to understand, Jim. I cannot speak of it."A wave of troubling emotions suddenly washed over Jim.And they weren’t his emotions.Startled, Jim drew back so he could take in Spock's face. There was pain in his eyes. And sadness. Jim was getting worried now, "has someone threatened you? Because if they-"Spock hushed him, "I am in no danger. Star Fleet has determined that the topic in question is not to be discussed. Doing so would be considered treason."That didn't sound like not being in danger. He frowned, "Spock, you can't be serious-""I have already alluded you of too much. Any more would, as I have informed you, be treason."A new sort of emotion filled Jim now. Less worry, but more curiosity. There were lots of things against regulation in Star Fleet, and most have them he had already broken. He nudged Spock's shoulder, "since when did that ever stop us?"Spock raised an eyebrow at him.Jim rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, you have as well! What about that time you commandeered the ship to bring Pike to Talos." That had definitely been against regulation, even if it was-"Yes, it was a ploy, Captain," Spock interrupted, sensing his thoughts once again, "as you know, I was given clearance so Pike might be given the illusion of freedom from his physical state with the help of the Talosians."Uh oh, Spock called him Captain. He had definitely touched a nerve. He shuffled under Spock's unwavering gaze, trying to think of a rebuttal. "You still kidnapped Pike," was all he managed to come up with."He agreed to go Jim.""Fine."They didn't say anything more for a while, instead opting to just hold each other. Jim imagined that Spock probably thought he had relented and the conversation was over, but in truth, he was still just trying to to think of another instance were Spock broke the rules.And just like that, when he was about to give up, the obvious came to mind. Of course!He looked up at Spock, who seemed intent on falling asleep. He smiled, "what about the time you were experiencing Pon Far and-""Jim!" Spock exclaimed, his eyes snapping open.Shaking his head, Jim pressed a quick kiss to Spock's cheek, knowing full well that his friend's ears and cheeks were flushing green at the mention of the Vulcan reproductive cycle. "There's no one else here, Spock.""Regardless, I do not see the point you are attempting to make by referring to those events."He rolled his eyes once again. This Vulcan... "You changed the course of the ship without telling me! Isn't that breaking the rules? Also, you literally told me that if I didn't take you to Vulcan to mate you would straight up die." It was true, and if Jim recalled, rather alarming at the time. "I jeopardised my whole career by breaking Admiral Komack's direct order to travel to Altair VI instead of Vulcan."Spock looked at him carefully now, "that is the truth, and I am quite thankful for it." A hint of mischief suddenly appeared in his eyes, "though I doubt such a thing will be a problem again."Jim snorted, punching his partner's shoulder playfully, "I just hope I don't have to wait seven years."A hint of a smile appeared on Spock's lips, an eyebrow lifted amorously. "You are fortunate that I am half human than.""Guess I am," he smiled, "but my point still stands." Once more wanting Spock to feel what he was trying to convey, he began running a gentle hand up and down Spock's arm. He was always much better at showing what he felt than telling. "My point is that we break the rules all the time if someone's wellbeing is in peril. You can trust me, T'hy'la," he said softly, "tell me what is bothering you."And so, Spock did. Jim never ceased to amaze him. He could sense through Jim's touch that the persistent prying was not an act of simple reckless curiosity, but devotion to his wellbeing. While he knew only too well of his Captain's loyalty, he had not expected Jim to be so eager to risk treason to find the answer to a question. His Captain had jeopardised his career in the past, but on all recorded occasions he had acted against regulation due to the imminence of death for those under his command if he did not. Never before had Jim risked imprisonment and court-martial if it was not absolutely necessary for the survival of the crew.Until now.No crew member or individual was in danger if he did not know what was secret. No moral code would be compromised. No ethics would be broken. Yet Jim had continued to pry, risking everything.Just to listen to his troubles.He did not wish for Jim to risk so much for him.But his Captain had made his point. On many occasions, some of which Jim was yet to be aware of, he himself had 'broken the rules'. Though, Pon Far had been a poor example. It was Jim that had disobeyed a direct order for the continuation of his crew's wellbeing, not he. He would also not believe that the situation of his troubled mind fell into the rules for what qualified for as an apt reason to break regulation.Yet, he relented."Today is the anniversary of an event. An event in which I lost someone dear to me." He did not wait for Jim to respond, wishing to continue without questions, "She is lost to me, but only in time. I hope that one day we might find each other again."
He felt a flicker of something not unlike fear pass through Jim, though it was gone as quickly as it came."Who was this person to you, Spock?"Suddenly he understood where that flicker of emotion had come from in Jim, and once again he found himself reassuring his Captain through touch, conveying just how much he meant to him. Jim was not a jealous person, but this aspect of their relationship was still new to them both. The added secrecy of their recent conversation was unlikely to have helped matters, and though Jim had nothing to fear, he was unaware as to why. "She was on board the Discovery. Her name is Michael. My sister," he clarified.Jim moved his hand so it was placed on Spock's side, just over his heart. "I'm so sorry, Spock. I heard about that; I know what that- wait a second, you have a sister?"Spock placed his hand over Jim's. "I do. She is my foster sister, Terran but raised on Vulcan."I didn't know that you even had siblings.""You would not, but there is something else you are unaware of. You were likely taught that Discovery perished in an explosion, but this is not the case. Do you recall why I said about how my sister was lost, but only a time."Jim shuffled, looking at him curiously. "I do."He looked into Jim's eyes, conveying in them that what he was about to say was forbidden. Jim squeezed his hand, acknowledging that he understood. Satisfied, he continued. "When I was under Pike's command, upon accident we discovered an intelligence from an alternate dimension. It threatened all that is now alive, and ever had or would be. Michael, and many others were left with only option to terminate its plans," he paused, taking a moment to ensure his emotions did not pass through to Jim. "She is in time now. In its future.""I ...I don't know-"He shook his head, running his hand down Jim's arm. "I can not speak any more of it without bringing unnecessary risk upon us."For once, Jim did not try to argue. Instead, with a soft expression on his face, Jim held the side of his face, his thumb gently moving over his cheekbone. "Okay," he promised, "I won't pry. Just ...thank you for telling me what you could."Enamoured, Spock watched his Captain's face for a while. There was so much emotion held within it. Every movement of its features was an expression of the tidal wave of emotion behind it. Nothing was hidden.Right now Spock could see nothing but love.In that moment, he realised something new. "Jim" he said, the name escaping him at almost a whisper.Jim hummed."There is one more thing I can tell you."A look of intrigue appeared on Jim's face. "Oh?""Micahel offered me some advice before she left. I now believe it might be the most treasured advice and wisdom I have ever had the privilege to receive.""She must be quite wise then, your sister."The corner of his mouth twitched, "I still reserve some doubts, as all brothers do. But I cannot find fault in what she told me."Jim nudged him, "you going to share or not?"He let himself smile warmly, just for Jim. "She told me to let people reach me. To find the one person farthest away from me, and reach for them. To let them guide me." Gently, he cupped the side of Jim's face. "You are that person, Ashaham."Jim's bottom lip began to tremble, but still he smiled. "Spock..."He drew Jim closer, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips, "you are beloved to me."Jim smiled, returning this kiss. "I love you too, Spock."Spock said nothing more, for nothing more needed to be said, and by the time he was falling asleep in Jim's arms he had almost forgotten how cold he had been.Almost.